#it's not hard to be kind and considerate

[inkskinned]

today i love the red metal crane in her long neck arching her body over the boston skyline, which means i am okay for a moment. when i am unwell, everything is a little ugly. i always tell myself look for the beauty but when it is bad, i will look at birds and sunsets and little ducklings and feel absolutely nothing.

when my brother got his puppy, i was in a deep depression. what kind of monster isn't affected by a puppy. i was gentle and kind to her - i just didn't have an emotional reaction. she's five now and i feel like i spend all of our interactions apologizing to her - i don't know why. i just didn't feel anything. how embarrassing. i feel like if i admit that, i'll seem cruel and jaded. it comes in waves. like, two months ago when i went out into the world - it was like that. life behind a pane of stormglass. a firework could go off over your head - nothing. like dead skin, no reaction. not to ice cream or rainbows or baby chickens. life foggy and uninteresting.

i love goslings again. i love their little webbed feet splayed over grass. i love good food and live music and long walks. i like puppies. i feel like some kind of my soul has been starved - i keep staring at everything with wide eyes, trying to burrow the sensation into my stomach. it's real. beauty is real. when it's bad again, remember this. i stop and smell the flowers, feeling cliche in the moment. i like the white-to-red ombre of my neighbor's roses. i like colorcoding and yoga and cold drinks. i try to pass my hands over every moment, feeling like i'm squeezing joy out of every instant. remember this. for the love of god, it's real - just remember this.

[allaboardthedissociativetrain]

Things People Have Said To Us

Okay, so, to be honest, sharing this (relatively small) list is why I created this blog, because the Things that’ve been said to us is wild, and I wanted to vent. 

(List under the cut).

TW: Some of the things in the list are a bit vulgar, and #6 contains a rant where I mention why and how DID isn’t “fun,” and some alters wanting to commit suicide. It begins with “Isn’t it fun?” 

As a little context/backstory: I fucked up and shared with the wrong people what I was experiencing and then the eventual diagnosis in an attempt to find support. Long story short, they “spread the word,” so people I didn’t know well ended up knowing. I tried to be open minded and educate and spread awareness to these people after realizing I fucked up, but a lot of it was wasted breath. We live and we learn. I just feel badly for the rest of the system, because those that have slightly different mannerisms would get pointed at, asked questions, etc. and couldn’t get by on people not noticing they’re not me (the host) because they don’t know there’s a system to look for. (Kudos for them for pretending not to know what people were talking about. Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss, am I right? /lh).

The majority of this list was said by the same person.

                                                         ******

“I want to teach the littles how to swear!”

Why tf is that the first thing you think of when learning about the existence of littles? What’s wrong with you?

“I want to fuck you to make you more punk-rock.”

I don’t remember this one. Someone I actually don’t regret telling, who didn’t spread the word or etc., who’s a friend of mine, told me this one since they were in the room when it happened. It was said to a caregiver who has trouble disguising the slight vocal change between us. He happens to like rock music. 

I have no idea what this even means btw.

“I wish I could trigger out someone whenever I wanted.”

Said after learning about “positive” and negative triggers and how they can pull someone forward whether they want to or not, and how certain people can be one of these triggers for certain alters. 

Fun fact! This isn’t cute. It’s disrespectful and comes off as manipulative, like you think this is a game, and like it’s a power-play. Believe it or not, no one would like you for this.

“No! Don’t come out! Let (host) stay!”

Not said by the same person but someone who’s openly said I’m (the host) am their “favorite,” and, if they notice or think they notice a switch happening, they tend to say this. 

Switches are very, very rarely planned, and even rarer is when a wanted switch actually happens. For us, switches in general don’t happen too often recently, maybe like once or twice a week- more if we’re in a new environment with a lot of activity or in an old, trauma-associated one. Likewise, there are a few in the system where switches are “easier” between me and them but are more gradual and fluid, so we end up blurring for a little bit and getting confused on who’s who, etc. We basically co-front/co-con for a hot sec before fully switching. This is when this would be said. 

We tried explaining once not to say this because it hurts feelings and isn’t helpful or conductive, but this person doubled down, so we gave up.

“(Insert-name here) is my favorite.”

Okay? I don’t know what to do with this information. This comment has usually been made about me (host), but also, by the person who a lot of these comments are from, about someone, a host-turned- persecutor-turned-protector, who’s never introduced himself to them because he doesn’t like them and also doesn’t like being acknowledge as being out. (He’s actually pretty good at speaking and acting like me but is not a people-pleaser like I am and is chronically “I’m too tired for this shit”).

“Isn’t it fun? It’s like having a built-in best friends in your head!”

No. It’s going through repeated trauma throughout your young childhood where the people who were supposed to love and protect you didn’t and either hurt/violated you or didn’t protect you from being hurt/violated repeatedly. It’s, realizing at a young age without realizing it, that you need to be All The Things to protect yourself to the extent that your identity was disrupted from integrating into a whole, single identity (singlet). It’s a survival technique that your subconscious chose. It’s something that remains with you, in many cases, forever, even when you’ve escaped from the environment that made dissociating integral for surviving. It’s not remembering years of your life and chunks of your time. It’s having to share one body and one life with up to dozens of others and realizing you can’t just do whatever you want because it could hurt or upset others in the system. It’s learning that there are some in the system who don’t like being alive and think not being alive, overall, would be the best for the system. It’s having some in the system who perpetuate your abuse because they don’t know anything else and believe it’s needed. It’s having flashbacks and believing nothing is real. 

Yes, there are funny moments and some of us are friends. But we’re basically roommates in one head that didn’t choose to be roommates. 

“Damn it, I want to talk to (insert-name here).

Gee, thanks. Don’t know what you want me to do about that, bud.

“I don’t like (insert-name-here).” 

Listen, you’re allowed to not like someone. But you don’t need to tell me or any of the others. Every one of us exists for a reason, even if we don’t know what that reason is. Even if I don’t get along with someone, I will still get irked if you try to shit-talk them. That, and this will catch our gatekeeper’s/protector’s (I call them “the manager” for reasons you can guess) attention, and you’ll be put on what’s essentially a system-wide “unsafe” list, where, even if we don’t know why, we all know you’re not a person to talk to. 

“*Interrogates an alter once they think they’re a fictive.*”

 This is annoying. Fictives aren’t a perfect replica of their source and exist because something in the brain was like “Hey, this person has xyz quality that this system needs.” Sometimes, yes, they come in not knowing they’re an alter or what have you, but, especially in our system, many consider themselves “adjacent” from their source. As in, “Yes, I have their name, looks, and similar behavior, but I’m not That Person, and I can (and will) end up liking things or talking in a certain way that doesn’t ‘match,’ because I’m not That Person.” 

Fictives don’t exist to live out your fantasy. Fictives don’t exist to be determined whether or not they’re “accurate.” Fictives aren’t consciously chosen by someone else in the system. 

“Are you an introject of Luke Hemmings?”

From what I was told, the response was: “No, but you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” 

“(Insert-name-here) is my type. Is he into guys? I want to fuck him.” 

Believe it or not, none of the comments about fucking one of us is said to me; it’s said to the earlier mentioned caregiver for some reason. My brother in Christ, what do you expect to get out of this? Do you think this info won’t be shared? Do you not realize we all share a body? Why do you feel the need to share this information? 

El Fin. Thank you guys for coming to my TedTalk.

[ryllen]

alex who is good at heart & said  “good luck” when he rejected you after  “nah... I'm gonna ask someone else” on flower dance festival

and actually care about having friends,

that he has been acting friendly to u even at 0 hearts, in seek of new friend opportunity.

[loveserum]

ok but what if I never fall in love like that again. what if I never love like that again

[torawro]

you guys i discovered this last night and haven’t stopped thinking about it

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[impossiblepluto]

Hello bonjour I reread Adversary + Antigen and ignoring the fact that I am now screaming in every possible way except physical (and, even though I knew what was coming this time, I still had a physiological stress response to your words (<- big big compliment)), I am also gnawing on my laptop thinking about McClain and Reese's reaction and response to seeing Mac.

I am just. I am thinking about how much do they know??? Has Yasmin radioed over and given them the scoop?? Does Yasmin even know what went on in the back there (😱)?????? Like despite (or maybe inspite of) the fact that Mac's got about a thousand different reactive molecules moving through his blood stream right now, he's still somewhat combative I imagine. Or at the very least, I'm sure there's a good chance that some of those drugs are going to wear off before everything is sorted out 😬

Anyway whilst thinking about this I inadvertently made a chart in my head and thought it would be funny to share with you:

pros of epi wearing off: less wired mac who can breath without his entire body vibrating and causing panic on top of panic

cons of epi wearing off: anaphylaxis comes back and says hi!!!! because it is annoyed it got pushed off of metaphorical center stage

pros of sedative wearing off: mac feels less betrayed, more in charge of his body with more autonomy

cons of sedative wearing off: PANIK

...I'm not sure what this ask is anymore at this point. I just need you to know that my brain is entirely occupied thinking about what the future has in store for Mac and I am wondering if there is any hints or thoughts that I can have to munch on in my brain <3

Bonjour friend (I cannot read that word without seeing the polar bears peeking their heads out of dens or into portholes memes, and I am delighted to realize that)

I am also delighted to hear that you reread Adversary + Antigen. I was completely spoiled by the comment you left on that fic and now I get another one + more Vi thoughts. Ah! Amazing. An embarrassment of riches.

Not sure if it's the worst thing I've done to Mac but it's the most in depth I've gone. I got a little tightness in my chest and throat while writing it.

Reese and McClain hearing about what happened to Mac, the panic attack, and getting to witness one of their own is a moment that I am anxiously awaiting to share (and finish writing) Originally, Mac was going to make it all the way to Phoenix Med, where he would again stubbornly insist that he was not laying down, not riding into the building on a gurney, and mostly unsuccessfully struggling through the halls with his entourage, before his facade completely broke. I was as shocked as Jack and Ed when Mac began fighting for his life in the back of the ambulance.

I think I might have to do Mac's attempted escape from someone else's POV. Yasmin does know some of what happened and has radioed ahead so McClain and Reese have an idea of what's coming through the doors. Also, everyone is putting the puzzle pieces together a little quicker and confirming what they suspected. And Jack is struggling for many reasons.

One of the things that has me stalled is getting Mac's headspace right- and portraying so it feels genuine. The epi, adrenaline, and emotions are still thrumming under his skin, but the sedative is making it feel strangely distant even though it's right there. The loss of safety, security, autonomy, he expects that from Murdoc but from his friends and the people he trusts, that betrayal feels like a sinking pit. If he expresses his needs who would listen? Even his anger feels muted, but will be making an appearance that I'm very excited about. Regulating his emotions and his responses are beyond his ability so he's oscillating between this betrayed, submissive compliance, seething anger, embarrassment about his outburst and shame that he allowed Murdoc to do this to him. Everything that anyone says or does feels so patronizing. There's a detached clinical part of him too, and while he wants to lean into that part, that's worse for everyone else watching.

I love your chart because it's all the same stuff going through my head. I'm trying to fit a little bit of everything in there. The half-life of epinephrine is very short (epi is just to stem the reaction and keep you alive long enough to get additional treatment) so he might start feeling the foreboding, prickly sensations growing again before this is over.

Thanks for the ask, friend! It has reawakened my excitement for this fic when I was starting to get too in my head about it! If there is something specific that you've been like "i hope she does This!" feel free to share because there are a lot of directions that I'm still trying to decide on

[petrichormore]

I think today’s encounter with Ron could be a hallucination but the only thing that makes me hesitate to agree is Ron’s info on the federation. Info that we as an audience know is probably accurate but that q!Bad would have no actual way of knowing. He can’t hallucinate new information. Also, said information was exactly what he didn’t want to hear. If he was hallucinating a fantasy world where he didn’t accidentally kill/eat Ron, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me for his brain to include made-up federation info that actively upsets him. If it was a scary, negative hallucination maybe - it wasn’t though. Buuuut you never know I suppose. Either way I’ll enjoy it.

[snixx]

life went forward and the world moved on but I never got over among us (2018)

[dallonwrites]

actually making my tags from my last post into their own post. writers who struggle with grammar, spelling, typos, errors etc i love you. writers who struggle with rereading their stuff thoroughly no matter how much they try, who don't always have access to other people to help them read i love you. whilst reading through and checking for these things is good practice i really believe that the weight of it should not be put wholly on the writer's shoulders. especially writers who are neurodivergent, disabled, have any condition that can impede their reading + comprehension, are overworked and overtired, are not writing in their native language, list goes on....because grammar mistakes/language mistakes/typos have nothing to do with your abilities as a creative. this is where editors should be uplifting writers, helping them, not scrutinising them for something they cannot always control

[ghostzzy]

also my mom called me the gentlest most sensitive creature to walk the earth and i’m like. you’re not wrong

[blooky8]

with all these weird-blink-moments where characters go "huh well isn't this weirdly convenient" happening more and more i'm kind of scared that they'll catch on to us💀

[moderndaybrando]

I have got to become the me I used to be.. or rather now, I have always wanted to be. The best. Inside and out. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Entirely. I need to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. The person I always knew I am. Soon. A complete burn out and rebirth. I need to set it all alight and watch it build and morph into something new and beautiful. I am determined to. I have to. I need to.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

on that note had also been thinking about the hilarious classic maneuver of taking things i go "smh always doing that weird/wrong" & instead putting it in the context of like oh i dunno my life experiences. like going "smh once again in one millisecond i noticed something was about to fall & just sort of Tensed instead of instantly going to catch it & in the next milliseconds hash out like 'oh but could i catch it. oh but now it's in progress am i too late' etc" but like well hang on. first of all the Tense Up / Brace For Impact approach can have its strengths too. second of all like why just kick myself when Of Course the vastly more frequent & relevant experiences of having to stifle reactions & tense up to Brace For Impact / Weather The Situation means that's the standard approach. sure tends to be the case that like "okay test your reflex time :)" type things when i Know It's Coming, i.e. preemptively Tense Up, i turn out quite slow. throwback to a true classic [my roommate that said my cat was performative while their cat did things out of true emotion] at my doctor's appointment at like age thirteen when the ol Knee Bonk Reflex Test would make me Tense/Seize That Knee Up and Then kick. and then afterwards my "big fan of unprompted criticisms / declarations about your internal experiences or true intentions" mom was like you were faking those reflexes. i'm like well i wasn't. she was like yes you were. consider the camera jimmed

secondly i was also thinking like, always been the case that when Talking, often even if in writing format, i can't really avoid mirroring the characteristics of the other person's Style / Patterns lol. was thinking about it in my Relative ease of adopting pronunciations for different language's phonemes when it's like, i guess i do have experience in Doing Voices not b/c i really often Did Voices (sometimes lol, as like, direct quotes or whatever. echoing....) but b/c like i'll just be picking up all kinds of mannerisms / tendencies / ways of speaking, including accents slightly (my default accent being disney channel) not b/c i'm messing with anyone or trying to do anything, in fact trying Not to do this is generally unsuccessfully & This Is What Happens Naturally & always has & it's like yknow what i think it might have to do with the fact that i don't think Talking in general is oh so "natural" for me / a matter of "just being myself" (things virtually never are lol) like. i think that time i had that friend in second grade where i'm like ummm i'm not sure we spoke the same language b/c i'm not sure we spoke hardly ever? but we had fun & played & amused ourselves etc til the teacher as usual went Biggest Time Sicko Mode on our "not paying attention" like nobody else's got & then didn't give a fuck abt "intervening" again when we didn't feel like we were Allowed(tm) to interact at all. & like i'm pretty sure i'd be "supposed" to feel like omg we don't talk (almost) at all?? that's SO weirrrd i remember that soooo welllll

and when i Do talk most "naturally" / "just being myself" it's all at once, wordy, and Theatrical, and even then. i did it some the other day and was Sweating, literally, less so figuratively but it does still feel demanding, and of course even when it doesn't Feel thusly, doing a Lot a lot of verbalizing can really still be draining to Taxing. and i've noticed better like yeah sometimes i'm markedly struggling to speak when i'm already extra wearied. and another thing i put into context better was like "when i'm being put tf through it why do i tend to cry through interactions. b/c i'm being a PUSSY????" like lol just on principle was like okay well who cares, i'm sure you, by which i mean i, have my reasons b/c so too would i think someone else does, like. and i remember like, i tend to Not "directly" cry of stress or sadness virtually ever. while i Do tend to be simply keeping that shit contained but Exactly When i have to try to speak? is when i happen to start crying. hmm. Hmmmm. talking Always this performance that i may often not be up for. similar to [personal visual style / Look / clothes] like my default is "basic outfit i'd want to wear every day" & my ideal is "i do not want to be perceived" & (this &) everything else is performance / drag to me, Would That that always be on my terms

another banger is my till oh so recently kicking myself like "aah [pathologization time] i'm sooo slow to be at ease / comfortable around people even when they're surely being nice, what a hassle for others" like well it can be viewed as a hassle for me but it's also like, wait, i end up having stayed uncomfortable around people who weren't being That nice by putting in That much [any effort from any Consideration] and often turn out like. ultimately not that Safe. and i look at "oh right yeah and also i sure Can be like instantly quite comfortable / at ease around people, including people i literally just met. so" &/or my not being at ease either is still way less of a deal than having to literally/figuratively sweat it while i'd feel so much more Okay avoiding detection much less interaction

[junipersoup]

I like it when giants are scary not only because they're enormous, but because they are normal people who are capable of great and terrible things.

[opheliac]

i think that a ton of the people at my university are just former mean girls and it girls (gender inclusive actually). i've never before encountered such an environment absolutely chock full of people with unending mean streaks. does projecting your bitterness really make you feel good? do you only derive confidence from a sense of superiority? do you even want to have close connections with anyone? i'm sorry you're feeling insecure but this is not the way. please show compassion to yourself then extend this to others and you will be awarded your angel wings, i promise. you can all be such lovely people who are truly happy with themselves, don't be like this please.