#it's more just me venting into the void

[fayeandknight]

Personal post in which I am processing old trauma.

It's weird how you can clearly recall an experience but have no emotional response/true comprehension of it until many years later.

My relationship with my ex fiance happened during my first three years of college, if you don't count the stalking and harassment that went on for several years after. I'm in my 30s now, that was a long time ago.

It took me a few years after breaking up for the last time to realize that the relationship wasn't just "really shitty" but had in fact been extremely abusive. To this day when I think of him I think of screaming and crying, breaking glass, blood, absolute terror, and the inability to breathe.

Over the years I've been processing the truth of things he'd normalized/minimized/gaslit me on and trying to give myself grace for the long term effects it's had on me. And for a while I thought I'd acknowledged all of it. But recently (last year or two) it's hit me like a sack of bricks that he tried to murder me. I don't mean going too far in a fit of anger, I mean he planned out and followed through on a deliberate plan to kill me that I survived by sheer luck.

That day has always been a cold, stop motion memory since it happened. I can recall it in a series of snapshots, each clean and neat and utterly detached from each other.

He tells me we'll have the house to ourselves.

He's drawn me a bath in the big Jacuzzi tub with rose petals in the water.

I undress and get in.

He is sitting on the side of the bathtub.

He is cupping my face for a kiss and whispers something about Ophelia.

My head is underwater.

I am flailing and grabbing at his hands, the side of the bathtub. Water is going everywhere but I can't get out from underneath his hands.

I can't breathe. My lungs are burning. I am beyond terrified. This is the inevitable end. This is how I die.

His hands are off me and I am able to get my head above water.

He is taking keys off the counter and handing them through the cracked open door.

I am soaking wet and holding my clothes against me in a bundle that mostly covers me.

I shove past the person on the other side of the door and run barefoot back to my dorm.

He gaslit me hard about this that it never happened. I didn't even get a chance to bring it up. He just showed up the next day to take me on a date (which he very rarely did) and complained about how outside of sex we never had one on one time because there were always people in the house. I was still in shock I think and don't really remember what happened in between my running out of his house and him showing up at my dorm apartment. I do remember being in the living room of his house after the date and having a very public fight that he pulled out of nowhere.

For a long time that memory has been something I shied away from even thinking about. It was a cold spot in my brain that gave me mental frost bite.

And then when I did acknowledge it, it was framed as 'I almost died' in my mind. But the more I think about it, the more clear that this was a planned murder becomes.

We were in college and he lived in a busy frat house/known party house with four other guys. He either dedicated significant time to tracking people's coming and going to find a long enough window of time to drown me and dispose of my body. Not a small feat considering the near constant foot traffic in the house. Or he engineered having that house be empty.

The tub, which wasn't normally used due to being disgustingly dirty, had been spotlessly cleaned.

He never got undressed or into the tub with me. He was wearing a short sleeved shirt with shorts and angled his legs away from the tub.

He referenced Ophelia, who dies via drowning. I was a theatre major at the time.

He very much intended to murder me by downing me in that bathtub.

The only reason I survived is because someone forgot their keys on the bathroom counter and had to come back for them. That's it.

It's so wild to me how long it's taken my brain to feel, I don't know safe??? enough, to really put the severity and full implications together. I didn't repress the memory, just avoided it. And I'm not even shocked that he tried to kill me, more that he tried to murder me - though I'm not sure how much sense that distinction would make to anyone else.

Seeing romantic gestures between couples makes me feel cold and frightened and grief stricken. And for a long time I attributed that to my most significant/serious relationship being an epic shit show and a half. But I'm starting to realize that it's also because one of the few romantic gestures I've received was actually part of the plan to murder me. So I'm trying to be gentle with myself when I experience those feelings.

I'm not some bitter shrew who hates seeing happy couples. I am experiencing the fallout feelings of an extremely traumatic and very nearly fatal event.

Anyway I'm not really expecting for anyone to have read this whole mess. But if you did, here's a picture of Forte snuggling me from this morning as thanks for sitting with me for a bit.

[goldeelocks]

I know its been said on here again and again but investing in your hobbies really is sooo helpful. I used to be excited to get home from school so I could eat and now I'm excited to get home so I can paint or draw or bake and I don't even think about eating

[moonchild-in-blue]

I think it's funny how most of us here went from Sad™ and Depressed™ as children/teens, only to end up ✨Sad and Depressed✨ adults.

Funny in the way that, we thought things would never get better, and they did. And funny in the way that they actually never DID get better - we just learned how to cope.

Except that we actually *didn't* learn how to cope, we just got used to it. Which really means, we didn't got used to it - we are just too tired to care.

Going through my worse depressive bouts before felt like fighting teeth and nail for a way out. It was hell, and it burned, and I cared. Now I simply shrug and be thankful there's fire to make some coffee. Does this make sense?

It was so loud and shrieking before, and now is more of a constant heavy hum, always there just out of reach, clinging to my legs and feet, dragging itself on the floor like a old dying beast. Once in a while it remembers it's alive and rips by flesh with its teeth, without any warning. Then back to playing dead. It bites less frequently now but my God, does it hurt.

I'm glad to not have to constantly fight for my life anymore, but I miss the days when that was something I wanted. I'm afraid I tipped the nihilistic scale too far and now I'm just sort of drifting away, little by little.

It's too quiet now and I don't like it.

[deostyx]

I say this as an artist who has been trying to make artists friends for years, we really need to get better at finding community with other artists again, instead of sticking to one fandom and to stop interacting once they/you leave it.

Fandom friends are just that, they are fandom dependent and though not required to make them more than that, some of yall need to see that the option exists.

I still follow people that made amazing fanart for a fandom i left ages ago, but i still love to see what they are working on and supporting them on it.

Shit ill say it, ive followed artists that were still beginners at the time, just because i was curious to see how their style would develop. And it pays off, the amount of pride i feel to see people working on a skill and growing is fucking beautiful and profound to witness.

“Thats parasocial” DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF!!! THAT PERSON HAS 300 FOLLOWERS ITS NOT PARASOCIAL TO FEEL HAPPY FOR THEM THATS JUST KNOWING A PERSON AND LIKING THEM!!!!!

And if you want it to feel LESS parasocial ACTUALLY COMMENT!! i Know that sounds backwards but its better than you feeling that way and then lurking about it when the art only has like 3 notes. Girl what!!!!!!!! Say something!!!! You could have an art friend RIGHT NOW IF YOU JUST SAID SOMETHING

[dimonds456-art]

Maladaptive daydreaming.

[miiiwu]

.

[entirelysein-e]

To be negative on dash for a second; my asks have been so terribly empty it makes me feel so lonely.

Ive gotten bad with answering them because I rarely ever get any and it's just idk. Isolating?

I'm not fishing for any asks here I'm just saying how it is so don't bother running over there now.

The amount of hate I get daily for breathing is overwhelming yet no one takes the time to yap about their - or shared - faves or anything and it's one reason that made me leave last month to be quite honest.

[brucenorris007]

knocknocknocknock

Rouge groaned and sat up; going by the rapid tempo, she had a good guess on who was knocking even before she opened the door to the house.

Sure enough, Sonic stood on the other side of the threshold, one hand raised in greeting.

“Shadow,” Rouge called over her shoulder. “It’s for you.”

“Actually,” Sonic said. “I’m here to borrow Omega.”

Rouge blinked. Twice. Raised an eyebrow and called again.

“Omega, it’s for you!”

She could hear the bemused, off-kilter beat of silence. She looked back at Sonic.

“Since when do you make house calls for Omega?” She asked.

“First time for everything, right?” He said with a shrug. “We’re in kind of a hurry and I don’t wanna play Shad’s guessing game about whether or not he’ll sucker punch me before he’s willing to have a conversation.”

Rouge opened her mouth. Closed it. Considered the point.

“SHADOW HAS ENGAGED IN MORE ERRATIC, INCONSISTENT BEHAVIOR RECENTLY.” Omega commented, stomping up to stand beside her at the door.

Sonic smirked.

“At least we know what we’re getting with Omega.”

“Fair.”

“Okay,” Sonic said, turning on his heel. “Let’s go, Omega!”

“NEGATIVE.”

Sonic choked in a false start and nearly tripped over their front stoop. He looked back, bewildered.

“Huh?”

“EXPLAIN YOUR OBJECTIVE AND WHY MY PRESENCE IS REQUIRED.”

Sonic blinked.

“Right, yeah, okay,” he said. “We’re figuring out where Eggman is.”

The borderline silent whir from Omega’s chassis got louder by a fraction of a decibel.

“TO DESTROY HIM?”

“We’re trying to find him first,” Sonic said, smoothly avoiding saying one way or the other what would happen when they did find the doctor. He scratched his head, fingers parting his quills. “We can’t tell where he’s doing his evil thing from. Tails can explain it better, but whatever tech he’s using isn’t connected to the same network as the rest of his bases.”

Sonic raised both hands in a shrug.

“Something like that, I think.”

Rouge digested the information silently; depending on what the doc was up to, she might get called in.

“Anyway, that’s where you come in,” Sonic said, pointing at Omega. “We’re gonna pull a con on Eggman.”

“You came looking for Omega to pull a ruse?” Rouge asked skeptically.

“He works with you, doesn’t he?”

“AFFIRMATIVE.”

Rouge smirked and patted Omega’s arm cannon.

“It does mean a paint job,” Sonic said. “Temporary, I swear; you ‘capture’ me and bring me in to one of ol’ Buttnik’s bases. Doesn’t matter what he’s up to, he’ll pay attention to that.”

“AND THEN I EXTERMINATE HIS INFERIOR MODEL ROBOTS?”

Omega, as usual, posed the question more like a statement.

“Ahh,” Sonic hedged. “You’d have to hold off on that; just until he gives up where he is!”

“UNACCEPTABLE. IT IS OBJECTIVELY MORE EFFICIENT TO ELIMINATE INDIVIDUAL BASES UNTIL HE IS FORCED OUT OF HIDING FOR LACK OF RESOURCES.”

Sonic’s mouth twisted into a borderline grimace. He glanced at Rouge; she shook her head. She wasn’t in the mood to help mediate, especially not on her day off.

“That’ll take ages, though,” Sonic said. He paused a second; a sly grin stretched across his face. “Besides, think about it; how ticked off will Eggface be when he figures out he got tricked?”

“. . .”

Rouge recognized the hum of Omega’s CPU; he was considering it.

“Even better,” Sonic said, thumbing his nose. “How ticked he’ll be when we bust down his door and break all his toys?”

“EXTREMELY.”

“He’ll blow a fuse; so, you in?”

Omega’s engines revved in lieu of an answer and he blasted off from their porch. Sonic send Rouge a backward, two-finger salute before tearing off ahead of him.

She watched them go for a moment before closing the door. She backtracked to the living room and flopped backward across the sofa; gracefully and accurately landing with feet over the armrest and her shoulder against Shadow’s, eliciting a halfway resigned grunt.

“Omega should be in a good mood when he gets home.” She said idly.

“Hrm.”

Rouge shifted to grab a cushion and reposition her wings.

“You could’ve gone with them if you wanted.”

“I didn’t.” Came the slightly too snippy reply.

Rouge rolled her eyes and snatched the remote out of his hand.

“You have been sucker punching a lot lately.”

“Shut up.”

@generic-sonic-fan

[cartoonghosts]

genuinely people need to tag triggers. Love all the 'not my responsibility to tag stuff the way you want it' shit but that is for fandom and weird kinks and whatever not LITERAL PICTURES OF SELF HARM AND BLOOD EVERYWHERE like I'd be fine if it was tagged 'tw blood' (which I don't have blocked!! I'd still be triggered as fuck but hey you tried idc) but when you don't tag it at all I have to assume you are actually trying to hurt someone. Yeah I block immediately but thst doesn't change the fact that I'm triggered and the sh urges are back. This is true for text posts too, although I try to block words (I genuinely hate it so deeply when people sidestep other people's word blocks with 'sewerslide' or button mash numbers in the word like. I am going to fucking kill you. 'Oh noo it's triggering to me uwu' bitch you made me actively suicidal for the first time in months. Fucking die. Don't post that shit if using the actual words triggers you). You ABSOLUTELY ARE responsible for what you put out into the words. People saying 'oh ur not responsible for other peoples triggers and emotions' are genuinely heartless and have never felt human empathy. You ain't responsible for how I react to your content, but you NEED to try your best to give people the bare minimum of warnings when you post triggering shit. Look at ur vent post and be like 'hey I'm gonna tag this as tw vent/ tw si' and you genuinely might save someone's life. Probably not but the chance should be enough for you to care and if it isn't, block me. Don't argue, just block me now.

[maudiemoods]

Trying to reconnect with old friends and oh my gosh they're such dry texters

[charlataninred]

Sometimes I worry my sister is getting a bit too close to some terf rhetoric

[moonchild-in-blue]

Oh.

[pink-pumpkin-princess-bitch]

DNI lists are stupid and dangerous

Ok now I have your attention and your pitchforks pointed at me, let's clear the following:

I'm not an expert in internet history or internet theory, although I do have an extended diploma in Creative Media, which lends itself to audience theory and thus fandom theory, which helps base some of my thoughts here.

I have no issues with people who use DNI lists for whatever reasons they have. My issue is more with the culture surounding it and the reasons these practices exist.

This is a rambling vent on my general complex feelings regarding the topic. This is (at least currently) unresearched.

So, why do I think they're stupid and dangerous?

Well, I'm not quite old enough to remember this, but there was a time when if you where on the internet, you hid your information. You guarded it. Because the internet was dangerous. People online are, for the most part, strangers. People used to, and still do, keep their information close to their chest.

So my main concern is, of course, that safty that many people have tossed to the wind. DNIs don't inherently force people to give out this information, but it does create a culture and expectation to give out this information or be pushed away by the people requesting this information.

Age might be the most obvious piece of information to come to mind, and it is the most common. "Minors DNI" is everywhere on +18 blogs. And that's absolutly fine at first glance. Someone showing mature content may not want kids around their content. But this is the internet, and this is where I think it's stupid as well as dangerous.

Kids lie. Lots of people lie, not just kids. And there's only 2 routes to go regarding this. Either you trust everyone is the age they say they are, effectively invalidating the point of the DNI in the first place, or you confirm it somehow. Well, every way they could confirm it is, from what I'm aware, legally dubious at best and legally illegal at worst. I might be wrong here tho. I'm not in law. But even if it's not illegal, requesting proof of age is extremely bad for multiple reason I think are pretty obvious.

But more and more, kids aren't lying. Instead they're out here putting down how young they are and blowing the whistle for any predator to come walking in and give them reasons to have DNI lists. And that's the exact opposite of what DNI lists seem to want to achive.

Specifically with "Minors DNI", it also perpetuates this culture of having to curate our own audience, be aware ourselves of who is interacting with us, and make sure the children don't hear things they shouldn't. To be blunt, I hate this. I hate this in the same way I hate Unalive and PDF file and Seggs. I'm not on Tiktok. I'm not on Kidsbop. I'm not advertiser friendly. Remember how they added strict laws on how kids are to be advertised to? Yeah me neither.

Expanding now to all DNI lists, and various other limits and boundaries, when did Tumblr stop being the place you Curated your own experience? Yes, I fully understand tag blocking works very little at times and is a chore if it's a genuine major trigger for you. But I'd argue it's even less effective to hold a big sign saying exactly what you don't want to see and crossing your fingers people will be nice enough to read it and listen.

Overall they're simply ineffective and encorage the sharing of details many other people may not want to share. We're all strangers on the internet. We don't need to know eachother's takes on x y or z. If it becomes relevant it will, and if not, who are we to demand that of eachother.

This is why I say I have no issue with people who use them. It's when my place in those boxes then falls into scrutiny just for passing by your blog does it becomes an issue. If I see your DNI, and I still interact with you, it's safe to assume I do not fall into that DNI. If you are still paranoid about this, you genuinely may need help working through whatever may be going on in your life to make the place someone falls into that box for you so important. This is not to say it isn't important, but it is to say paranoia is not the default you should act on. If it's truly that important and you must act on it, block the person rather than interogate them.

Now, as a closing word, I do have to mention I am in a position of privlage from my own standpoints on this. I was, to an extreme fault, very open about myself online growing up. Not only that, but with my father (may he choke on his spit) made me a Facebook account at around 12. So, for the past decade, possibly even longer, all the information someone could want about me has been out on the internet. This lead to obvious things. I've been groomed. I've been in some truly horrible circles. And I've had a very odd perspective on things growing up. For me, this information cannot be put back. Pandora's box has already been opened for me. So regrettably, I'm still fairly open about myself. Not nearly as much as I used to be, but it means I personally don't have issues providing the information requested of DNIs.

The only reason I haven't provided my age on this blog until now has been because I don't want to give the wrong impression. I don't want to encorage people the same way I feel DNI lists do to share information. At the bottom of it all, I don't want people to grow up without the safty and security of private information like I did.

For now, that's most of my thoughts. If you want to senselessly argue about the right to DNI lists existing, please don't bother. I don't care. I'm already fine with that and it just tells me you didn't read this. If you wanna correct me on certain bits, I'd love to know, long as you have some sources or something to help. As I said, this is currently unresearched. I'm sure there's some older internet historians and anthropologists out there who know far more than me. For now, that's it. Thanks for reading this longwinded vent.

[my-mom-named-me-duck]

oh damn maybe I do got issues and my life isn't funny sad its just sad sad and I'm using humor to cope

nah I'm fine I've just maxed out my depressing relatable humor stat

[void-with-a-keyboard]

curse u fandoms and shame and being scared to admit u ship something bc u dont want ppl to judge u or criticize and try to find a way to make it wrong then shun u for ever thinking of it

im gonna eat a fucking wall

[junos-cacophony]

Why the fuck do I exist? Did God create me just to ruin others? I’m the cause of so much problems. If I didn’t fucking exist maybe things WOULD be better. Why the actual fuck did I do this. I’m a terrible fucking person. I wish I could just go to sleep & never wake up. Everything I fucking do ruins others. I ruin everything. Literally. How the fuck did I even get here? How am I still alive? Fear of death? Spite? I’m not sure. But I don’t want to be here anymore. I wish I could jump from the school rooftop & never look back. It’s so tempting. One day, I’ll try. Maybe by then I’ll have fixed all my mistakes.