#just lots of me rambling and running off on tangents from confusion and early morning hours

[jestersdlc]

The Apl panic.....Or apl+autism panic....??? (rambling vent...? Titles irrelevant)

Who do I tag for a thing...who CAN I tag for a thing, there is many a person I could tag....at least in theory, but that doesnt mean I CAN

I don't like assuming things.....and dislike the chance of making anyone uncomfortable....why can't things be straight forward and direct

The Council are ok to...

as are a few outside them....I THINK some familiars are....but some are unknown on this

And anyone not counted as a familiar are entirely unknown...

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Why can't thinks ever be easy, neat and tidy and straight to the point....

But no, nothing is. I don't want to make people uncomfortable or push boundaries unintentionally, but i'm too anxious and awkward to outright ask people things (ESPECIALLY when I know it could come across as rude or such cause I suck at social cues and people just...know these things??? or it feels like it)

....And I'm realizing more and more how much I 'censor' myself, so to speak...not in the sense of swearing or vulgarity!!! Nothing like that

It's "easier" (its not, but its 'less' anxiety....usually) to follow the rules provided, to watch to listen, to learn and mimic what another does first to see what is and isn't ok, match the level of affection of the other, never exceed it as to not make them uncomfortable

compliments, endearments, nicknames, expressions of virtual physical affection, saying you love them, ANYTHING outside of simple statements of appreciation or silent shows of affection and appreciation that may not be noticed as such, censored. Held back, never done unless the other person does them first so to not overstep, to make the other uncomfortable unintentionally...

I don't understand people, I suck at social cues, I lack attraction and dont even understand certain emotions people feel AT ALL. I'm awkward and an ambivert (because anxiety, to both...and Autism™️ otherwise I'd maybe be more of an extrovert.....) And overly affectionate even if it doesnt always show because I CENSOR IT.

I don't get a lot of things, no amount of reading or observing or mimicking or learning information makes me be able to understand things so many people do and in a lot of ways I'm what some people would consider a 'scary autistic person' which is STUPID for one thing, but why do some traits have to be considered 'scary' at all??? thats a tangent for another time....or never.

All in all, I dont UNDERSTAND a lot of things that feel like most people do know or can learn to know (but learning the information and patterns and trying to apply them doesnt help me understand????) I don't like making people uncomfortable or funking stuff up cause I dont get stuff....

I wish things were straightforward, I wish it was easier to know what is and isnt ok and not feel like i need to censor my self, my affection and appreciation and love of people in my whatever the funk way it is that simply IS. I wish it was easier to ask people stupid questions without having to worry it could come across as rude or seem obvious or upset people unintentionally cause I want A DIRECT ANSWER on stuff because I cant read between the lines, I dont know what isnt told directly. I dont like assuming, assumptions can be incorrect, they arent facts.

Maybe im just rambling nonsense at this point, it IS 4am, all over a lack of understanding, confusion and masking and getting overwhelmed over trying to do a tag thing....I'm not ready to come back to tumblr fully, but simply wanted to do the tag chain to save as a draft....only to be paralyzed in the reason I'd been avoiding it....friendship and tagging friends....but who is and who isnt ok to tag in this?....unless its been directly stated, Idk who considers me a friend, and unless I've outright asked, I in turn dont know who is ok with me addressing them as friend...

And theres no non abrupt and jarring way to ask people things like if they consider me a friend cause i genuinely dont know if you dont tell me??? or stuff like if a persons ok with being told 'love yous' kinda deal without it maybe seeming rude or just possibly weird???

....and frankly asking people directly if they're ok with being called friend in general is stressful but i just bite the bullet with that one......eventually......and exceedingly awkwardly (..........tho the anxiety is moreso not wanting to make someone uncomfy and...........to put it as bluntly as possible, aphobia is a constant worry in the back of my head...a worry with good reason...unfortunately)

Andddddd I think thats enough early morning ramblings of stress and gloom, back to the void I go, off to feign sleep and continue my slow recharge (tho this....whole failed attempt at doing the tag thingy has drained my battery a bit so....another day to the void for me mayhaps some lurking which fruits will be seen at a later time)

Tho, I suppose this one gets to be seen....unlike the few that will be eaten by drafts, nonesense or organized chaos whatever this stream of conscious thoughts....more or less...can be considered!

To the void for me! at least for another day or so mayhaps......