#it's honestly more hurtful to me to be left out unintentionally on account of my skin color and my appearance

[thaeonblade]

Okay MHA...I’m tired...

I know I’m going to get hate for this and I don’t care. But can My Hero Academia go five minutes without romanticizing a fucked abusive unhealthy, destructive or terrible relationship? Because right now, the heroes look like self-righteous dumbasses who should not be trusted nor have any good sense of reason, logic or frankly a consistent sense of morality, ethics and justice. And every time the story pulls out that “the villain is a child inside” crap or goes on about how life was unfair to the mass murderer, it makes the villain look more and more unintentionally unsympathetic. Can heroes like Izuku and Ochako be allowed to set boundaries and priorities to let horrible people hurt them without being considered bad heroes or bad people? Is it really bad for them to not let themselves get hurt just to validate some asshole’s feelings? Ochako doesn’t owe Toga shit. Toga isn’t entitled to shit. But the story is basically absolving Toga of all of the shit she’s done so that Ochako looks heroic for bleeding to death to reach out to this selfish murderous psycho bitch with a stalker complex. It doesn’t make Toga sympathic, it makes her look even more selfish. It doesn’t make Ochako a better character, it actually makes her kind of pathetic and hard to respect. I’m not sorry, I can’t respect people who disregard lives lost, families destroyed and can actually look a mass murderer in the eye and say that she has a lovely smile and admires how carefree she is while attacking her and her friends. This is Ochako’s big moment apparently. Enabling and coddling a fucking murderer because holding her accountable for her crimes and telling her that she mad bad choices and she’s responsible for them is “bad”. Society may have been unfair to Toga, but Society didn’t make Toga kill Saito (yes he’s dead per the databook) or any of the people she left to bleed to death, Himiko Toga choose that for herself. However, when I say Toga’s responsible for her choices I also state that she has the ability to make the right choice and do the right thing. Same goes for Shigaraki, but that requires taking personal ownership and responsibility for your actions. This is why the Toga and Ochako storyline sucks so much because it acts like Toga’s entitled to sympathy and patience and completely ignores all of the horrible and shitty things she’s done or been apart of. When Ochako says that she “can’t forget Toga’s actions”, this is empty protest and her actions and other words like “have my blood for the rest of my life” don’t add up. And no, Toga being bisexual does not excuse shit. She’s still a psycho murderer and deserves consequences. She sure as shit doesn’t deserve Ochako after nearly killing her and all of the harm she’s caused against her and her friends. I won’t change anyone’s mind here, but wanting TogaChako canon is basically saying you support a fucked up relationship between a selfish psychotic murderous borderline-sexual predator and the girl she’s trying to murder. If you want to support a Yuri ship, at least pick one that isn’t romanticizing or enabling abuse and romantizing suffering for an abusive or harmful partner like for example Momo x Kyoka. If Toga was a male, ya’ll would agree with me and you know it. I halfway wonder if some of you only ship TogaChako despite all of the objective red flags because you’re that desperate or thirsty for some kind of validation. Well sorry folks, you’re picking the wrong hill to stand on because canon-wise it sucks. Fanon wise, you can make it whatever you want, I mean it. I’ve read plenty of good fanfics where Toga got the help she needed before she went off the deep end and I enjoy reading about her relationship with other characters like Ochako and Izuku. But just like how Fanon Aizawa or in some cases “Dadzawa” is very different from the objectively asshole Canon Aizawa, Fanon Toga is a sweetheart compared to the psycho murderer Canon Toga is. I honestly wouldn’t care what you ship because it’s your business. I highly question your choice of ship, but feel free to ignore me and enjoy your warped fucked up ship as you please. With that said, I’m free to dislike said ship and use evidence from the story to point out how this is the worst possible cruelty you could inflict on Ochako. But please stop pretending like Canon Toga wouldn’t be a constant threat to anyone she was with. She fucking stabbed the first guy she had a crush on and he died (again databook) and even if he didn’t die, that’s still not someone who should be shipped with anyone. And after reading all of that, if you think I’m some kind of sexist, homophobic asshole because I don’t absolve or excuse murderers regardless of race, sex or sexual identity then we have nothing to discuss because I’m not wasting any breath on you. Fuck off. For the record, I already had this problem with the Bakugou and Izuku dynamic where Bakugou basically gets no consequences for his objectively bad actions and attitude. No justice for ten years of abusive bullying; No accountability for trying to kill Izuku during the training exercise; Izuku holds Bakugou on a pedestal he doesn’t deserve and basically does all of the suffering and giving for their messed up relationship; and the story doesn’t even do the bare minimum to make Bakugou’s “redemption arc” passable. The story ignored it for almost 300 chapters and then puts in a few grand gestures then acts like that’s all that’s needed and goes no further. I also have this issue with how Izuku is lionized for acting on blind idealism and emotionality to try and “save” Shigaraki despite the thousands he’s chosen to kill; the path of villainy that he’s chosen to take; and how he’s going to kill everyone if he’s not stopped. Society didn’t make Shigaraki become a villain; attack USJ; attempt to murder the Class 1-A students and teachers multiple times; send an attack against the Camp; try to make Bakugou join him or die; make an alliance with Overhaul whose torturing a child; or willingly take AFO’s quirk to be even more destructive and evil. That was Shigaraki’s choice. Tomura Shigaraki made that choice. Tenko Shimura made that choice. The little child within Shigaraki is irrelevant. It’s not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you. If Izuku and Ochako really respected Shigaraki and Toga, they’d respect their choices and stop holding back. Take off the kiddie gloves and defeat them however they have to. If the villains have to die so that no one else is killed at their hands? So be it. Nope, instead the story treats Shigaraki and Toga like children who can’t be held responsible for their actions because it’s all society’s fault. Which is insulting to them as characters, insulting to the many they’ve killed and Izuku and Ochako are also disrespecting their friends, teachers and comrades who’ve died or almost died including Midnight who was killed by one of Shigaraki’s men on Shigaraki’s command. What is heroic about disregarding the families destroyed? How will Ochako and Izuku explain themselves to the families of Shigaraki and Toga’s victims? Will they have any answer that doesn’t involve blind emotionality or idealism? I doubt it. What’s wrong with holding the villains accountable for their actions and giving them deserved consequences and acknowledging that society is flawed and wrong them? They are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to scream at the audience about how you’re ignoring the problem if you don’t absolve these unsympathetic people because you know murder is wrong. And while we’re at it, if Horikoshi really wanted a story about Izuku and Bakugou repairing their relationship, then he needs to hold Bakugou accountable and responsible for his shit. Izuku needs to be allowed to love himself, knock Bakugou off of his “symbol of victory” pedestal, and learn that he doesn’t need to tolerate shit from Bakugou nor prove anything to him. Instead, Horikoshi’s portraying his characters as emotional pushovers and I’m sick of abusive horrible harmful people being treated like they’re entitled to sympathy, empathy or whatever. All because society wronged them and that apparently validates their chaotic emotions and how they’re lashing out and killing thousands of people. Yet, the story expects us to treat them like they’re the victims and they’re therefore entitled to infinite patience, forgiveness and empathy. They’re not. They’re entitled to a punch to the face. And I’m done here. Note: If you disagree with what I said then do so with respect. I don’t care if you agree with me, but harassment, threats and bullying will not be tolerated. Note: Just because I’m critical of MHA, doesn’t mean I’m any less of a fan. I just will not ignore its major problems as I’ve outlined. So if anyone wants to tell me that “I’ll have no peace in this fandom”, then just know that I don’t give a damn if you think I belong here or not. PS: Despite my harsh and blunt language, I really have nothing personally against TogaChako, BakuDeku shippers or whatever. I just hate these ships because of the unfortunate implications within them due to the canonical actions and attitudes of Bakugou and Toga. I strongly and fundamentally disagree with anyone who’d support or defend these ships and it honestly annoys how much some fans desperately force their interpretations over other fans, but otherwise you can like what you like. I just reserve the right to hate what I want to hate and sadly, your ship checks off all of the wrong boxes.

[nightsjod]

honestly i really truly want to fucking move on and let it go and enjoy myself after removing the crazy toxicity out of my life but since i cannot stop having panic attacks every single night this week trying to go to sleep because you wanted to go around aiding in spreading probably one of the most disgusting worst lies anyone has ever spread about me im actually going to not turn my head away because i know the type of person you are and i know how obsessed you will remain with me "Taking Accountability" that even though ive demanded you leave me and my friends alone i know you are most likely never going away so im going to let it out truly and honestly to give it to you straight and i hope afterwards you take the hint and never try something like this again. So to you:

I genuinely do not give a fuck anymore.

I would sincerely have liked nothing more than to apologize for anything ive done that hurt you in the past that youve brought up i didnt know about. even though i have never had any malicious intent or ill feelings that doesnt change that i could have said something in passing that made you feel a certain way and i am trying to rectify my behavior to pay attention to my language of who im talking to and how to not be Unintentionally hurtful anymore. The thing is tho, is i do not think you deserve me saying that and not because you dont deserve to have your pain acknowledged but because you will NEVER acknowledge mine in return. i have no interest in a one sided friendship and apology where i am constantly controlled, told how to act, told MY behavior needs to change when every single time i have brought up something YOU do that is wrong its "its how i cope" "its how i see things" "its just how i relate" because you can say that all you want but the truth is you made me feel miserable and you made other people around you miserable and you are so self absorbed and obsessed with the actions of everyone else around you and think youre better than them you will never be able to apologize for any of your actions and how toxic and emotionally manipulative you have been since we were children.

I have no interest in taking any sort of "accountability" you have claimed, or will claim in the future. im tired of your obsession over me. i dont WANT this to keep going back and forth. i want to be left alone. i want you to leave me alone. i want you to move on with your life and stop wallowing every single day in misery and drama over me and bringing it to me even after ive long cut BOTH OF YOU OFF because i am just not fucking interested anymore. actually leave me alone.

Since your "Friends" want to check up on this blog instead of you facing up to your own actions of bringing this up and proposals for "discussion" yourself and see i actually did message you PRIVATELY like this should have been. here

you are one of the most self centered emotionally controlling and manipulative friend i have ever had. the fact you keep COUNT of every time youve "helped" me through my "Troubles" and act like i have never once done anything for you is utterly insane behavior. i am EXHAUSTED from it. you wanted to end the friendship and im simply trying to honor that. im not fighting it. there is no point in fighting because i refuse to bend over and allow you to control every fucking thing i do again and you will not give in to see your own behavior EVER.

sorry i didnt want to TRAUMA DUMP on an anon like you so much like to do and try to remain optimistic and positive on my public blog but since you want to air out my own PERSONAL LIFE ON TUMBLR which you are very much in the wrong for doing so, ESPECIALLY using it as a weapon against me, fine. and especially since you want to go into fucking discord servers to claim i was lying about getting help after your messages, and publicly trying to call me a fraud then fine. i will also be public and honest like you want.

i tried to kill myself over this. i sincerely could not take it anymore and i felt like everything fcking shattered because no matter what i did no matter how hard i tried and what i did it was never good enough for you. you could never accept that i had a full time job, i had other friends, i had my own issues THAT DONT INVOLVE YOU and my own ENTIRE life and it was NEVER good enough for you. mad at me because i "dont follow through with plans" like we arent 24 years old and i work 50 hours a week? when have u ever once texted me "lets play this together tonight. lets see a movie tonight" you didnt. you are mad i didnt make the effort for YOUR life. i DID go to therapy because of it. you want to see the hospital and medical bills ive been paying because of it? because i will. call my fucking mother and she will tell you what SHES had to go through from this because she is also done with you and you airing out every issue youve ever had on her every time youd come over and never ONCE asking her how she is doing after losing her husband. call HER and tell her i was "obviously lying" when i said i would get help.

i wasnt going to fight it. i didnt want to bend over and "Just listen and change my behavior" because i didnt need to change. i was DOING my best. friendship isnt a transaction, unlike you keeping count every time you helped me apparently i didnt bc it wasnt things i Expected returned or expected PRAISE for. i bought games for you i WANTED to play together so wed have something else to talk about other than Negative Topics because i wanted you to desperately feel better and happy with something but you COULDNT because you could not stop being obsessed with your own misery and nobody likes being around that. thats the bitter truth. so i said bye because it wasnt worth it and if ending our friendship was something you TRULY thought was the best course of action then like fine. whatever.

so please continue telling everyone you meet every day the rest of your life about the horrible bad friend you once had. who never did anything for you ever because i know you are going to. and continue to surround yourself with equally controlling people who validate your feelings. i will be enjoying my life and continuing to ignore any further messages as well. ok, bye

[d1anna]

hummmmmmmmmmmmmm

[thebeautyoffanfics]

Can I request Hanako (or Amane Yugi), Teru Minamoto, and Akane Aoi (the male) with a female s/o who is literally invisible to people. (This totally not based on events that actually happened to me-)

Like some people, even her close friends, won’t even notice she’s there and if she’s has to asks something she tends to repeat it or stutter. She also tends to get forgetting or lost on school trips, etc.

This has happened for as long as she could remember and she’s use to it by now but sometimes it still hurts when they forget her

Headcanons please!

hanako x f!reader, teru minamoto x f!reader, akane aoi x f!reader

a/n: sure thing!! I feel like Hanako would understand that as a ghost, so I think I’ll write for him in his ghosty form! I hope that’s alright :)) thank you so much for requesting, and I hope these turn out alright!!

I’m really sorry if these are shorter or poorer than normal, and if they’re formatted strangely- I’m doing my best to get requests done on my phone (´ε｀”)

warnings: none?

word count: 1,414

Hanako <3

He understands, he understands more than anyone- so he thinks. I mean, he’s a ghost. He literally cannot be seen by anyone who isn’t an exorcist, near death, a fellow supernatural, or bound to him in some way.

Still… honestly, he gets pretty defensive over you-

They can’t hear him, but you can. (They can’t hear you, but he certainly can.) It’s honestly somewhat humorous, Hanako standing behind you, shouting that they’d better listen up!!

“IF YOU GUYS MAKE (Y/N) REPEAT HERSELF ONE MORE TIME?? Are they deaf, (Y/N)?? I think they’re deaf?????”

His reactions like that are half-joking-half-serious. He’s genuinely upset that they treat you like that- but he hopes that all his ranting and going on helps you to feel better somehow?

He can’t exactly follow you on trips, but! He makes Yashiro “Honorary (Y/N) Defense”! Meaning, since he can’t, she’ll defend you in his place!

You get interrupted or ignored? Hanako tells Yashiro to help you out, and (though she would any way) she’s raising her hand somewhat shyly- explaining that you were trying to talk.

Getting left behind on a field trip? Yashiro is sticking by your side! She turns around constantly, making sure that you keep up with her, and especially making sure that you get on the bus with the rest! As per Hanako’s request, and her own care for you, she’ll let you sit next to her.

Hanako is always very talkative, but he’s still very patient with you- he loves to have conversations with you, which is a big reason he doesn’t get why they treat you like that. You’re such a great person-! You’ve got such a cute voice-!!! Why don’t they listen-?!!!

To be honest, he finds your stutter kind of cute… he’s quite bold, so you being timid is something he doesn’t mind! Hanako doesn’t mind listening out for you- even if the other people aren’t in a relationship for you, isn’t it… basic human decency?? What happened to that???

“It’s really alright, Hanako. Things like this have happened since I was little- it hurts sometimes, but I’m mostly used to it.”

Hanako would then grab your shoulders gently, looking in your eyes with some determination!

“You shouldn’t have to be used to that!! I’m used to it because I’m dead, but you’re… alive. You can be heard and seen by everyone, yet they choose to not listen- it’s… ridiculous. I’m sorry that you have to deal with that, (Y/N)... really.”

Uncharacteristically soft moment, but it simply hits different for him due to personal experience. I’m sure as a human, the only time people saw him were when he was bullied, and now he’s- obviously- not seen by nearly anyone. It’s such a lonely feeling, and he genuinely hates that you can relate to it.

Teru Minamoto <3

It’s hard to not garner attention as Teru Minamoto’s girlfriend- so, people certainly acknowledge you once your relationship is made public/becomes obvious.

But! Before the entire school knew about the Prince having a girlfriend, Teru was… quite defensive over you- even before the two of you were a couple, he’d notice the way others seemed to step all over you. Ignoring you, interrupting you, forgetting about you.

Like Hanako, he doesn’t get it? You’ve got his attention, how do you not have anyone else’s? You’re so cute… and really do have a lovely voice, appearance, and overall are really pleasant to be around?? If anything you deserve more praise than he does-

He also doesn’t get it due to the fact that people acknowledge him a little too much-

Anyway, he tends to give that praise he thinks you deserve to you!

Meaning, he brags on you so much. Compliments you to your face, telling you how nice it is to converse with you- telling his family how lovely of a person you are. He even mentions it to classmates, which does start to earn others being more noticeable of your presence.

Not afraid to stick up for you in the least!! Who wouldn’t listen to Teru?? The moment someone interrupts, he’s politely making his way into the conversation- offering an “I’m sorry, I don’t think (Y/N) got her chance to speak.”

“Th-That’s okay, Teru. I appreciate it, but I’m used to things like that,” You told him after class, slightly embarrassed.

“Used to things like being ignored?”

“Yeah..?”

“...you shouldn’t have to be. I’d never be upset with you, but it does upset me that people have been so willing to pretend you aren’t there? I think you’re lovely, and nearly impossible to ignore. It’s simply confusing, I suppose.”

BRO if he, for some reason, isn’t on the field trip and you get forgotten- it’s game over for the chaperones will get their heads chewed off. Except he’ll be calm and collected while doing so- however, on the inside, he can’t express how upset he is.

“Is it not your job to make sure all the students are accounted for? What if (Y/N) had gotten lost? Do you not realize she could have been kidnapped? Should some low-life had decided to try anything strange, the blame would have been on you, and therefore our entire school. What would that do for both your’s and the school’s reputation?”

If he’s on the trip? You won’t be getting forgotten <3 Even you were to get distracted for a moment, he’s grabbing your hand and making sure you stay caught up with the class. Sits with you on the bus, and makes absolutely sure that you’re safe and with him!!

Akane Aoi <3

He worships the very ground you walk on. We all know how he treated Aoi? Well, now that’s how he treats you- maybe a bit less exaggerated and dramatic, but all that love and more is there!

So, he’s admiring you, and sees that you keep opening your mouth in an attempt to speak- only to have someone interrupt you, not even acknowledging that you’re there??

“Hey, (Y/N), what’s up?”

“O-oh, I was just trying to ask them something…”

“Oi, you heard her. Shut up for a moment and let (Y/N) get her question in.”

Most are somewhat aware of how scary Akane can be, so they’ll certainly listen whenever he’s there. Heck, people occasionally keep an extra eye open if they know he’s around- making sure they don’t unintentionally look past you.

If you dislike his very direct method, he’ll try to be nicer to others about it. But, he can’t help but get defensive- like our other boys, he admires you so much, and enjoys talking with you so much, that- by this point- others are simply missing out?? Like, it’s basically their loss for treating you like that. And it’s his mission to shower you in love and admiration to a point where others do the same- platonically of course, and boys better rethink anything that isn’t strictly “wow (Y/N) is cool, it’s cool that she’s taken by Akane.”

Cos, as we all know, if someone even says “oh, (Y/N) probably makes a cute girlfriend” it’s game over. RIP unknowing student, he had no mercy bashing their skull in </3

“Akane, it’s really fine, you know? Things like this happen been happening since... forever. I’m just not easily noticed, I suppose. I’m used to it!”

“Hmm... well, get un-used to it. You’ve got the most beautiful presence and voice of anyone I know! And, I want the class- for everyone- to be able to acknowledge that. You shouldn’t have to repeat yourself constantly, nor be ignored like that. Not on my watch, at least.”

You won’t be getting forgotten. He’s ahead of Teru, ahahahaaaa!!! If he isn’t on the field trip, he’s telling someone who will be to keep an eye out for you “or else <3”. The person wouldn’t even bother to question it- just nod and keep an eye out for you constantly. They even offer to have you sit with them! How sweet! Glad to know they value their skulls!!

If he’s on the trip, like the others, he’s keeping an eye out for you constantly. He’ll hold your hand the entire time, stopping as you pleased, but keeping an eye out for the group. He wants you to see what you want, so you will- all while staying with the class, or at least close to the class. If he, for some reason, were to lose sight of the class, he takes comfort in the fact that you wouldn’t be lost alone.

[klixxy]

Genshin Fic Recs

so... i ventured into the vast world of Google looking for some good GI fic recs... only to find such a pitiful amount that i was promptly devastated. therefore, the solution is to make my own! :D

keep in mind most of these will be ChiLi or XingYun, and yes, i will try not to include smut unless it was one i really really liked. if anyone wants a separate list for just smut (though that will most likely be shorter) i can try to make one later.`

ft. my bookmark comments :)

CHILI

wrapped up in pure gold by beyondwinter

(chili; accidental marriage; chili/childe-centric; 22k words; ongoing)

"Do you understand its meaning, Childe?" He finally asks. There's a hard glint in his eyes, like he's trying to steel himself for his answer.

"Yeah." Loyalty and devotion, right? Between business partners? "I do. It's traditional, isn't it?"

Zhongli's eyes glow a warm amber in the near darkness, reflecting the soft shine of the lanterns. He studies his face with a strange intensity, as though Childe were a piece of high quality Nocticulous Jade being sold for suspiciously small sum and he's trying to find the blemishes that would explain the price. The weight of his gaze should be uncomfortable, boring into him like he can see into the very depths of his abyss-tainted soul, but Childe finds himself preening under the attention instead.

Childe accidentally proposes to Zhongli. Zhongli accepts.

The World is Water by Millereflets

(chili; smut; hurt/comfort; chili-centric; 7k words; oneshot)

Childe doesn't visit Zhongli until it's almost too late.

(my bookmarks: HOW DO YOU MAKE A SMUT SCENE SO POETIC HOLY SHITTTTT)

Set in Stone by seredemia

(chili; fake dating au; angst; some smut?; chili/chiilde-centric; 55k words; ongoing)

What do you do when you write about a certain six thousand year old consultant so much in your letters that it somehow convinces your entire family you're not only dating each other, but that you're also engaged?

In Childe's case, the answer is plain and simple: he goes along with it, of course. Absolutely nothing can go wrong if he makes a contract with the God of Contracts, vowing that the two of them will pretend to be lovers for the duration of his family's stay in Liyue. Afterwards, they'll return as normal and speak no more of this mess. No feelings or complications involved whatsoever.

Contract accepted. A fool-proof plan set in stone. Right?

Private Ledger of the Eleventh Harbinger by JuHuaTai

(chili; humor; getting together; chili/ekaterina-centric; 5k words; oneshot)

“So guess what I did next?”

Ekaterina contemplated not answering, but Harbinger Tartaglia was just… grinning and waiting. It’s honestly rather creepy the longer time passed.

In the end, she gave a long suffering sigh that seems lost on him, “You bought him the Erhu—“

“I bought him the antique, cor lapis based Erhu,”

-

When she first left her homeland for the unknown nation of Liyue, Ekaterina was ready to be many things: To be a soldier, to fell Tsaritsa’s enemies in her name, to bring glory to Snezhnaya and her leader.

Being a receptionist in a cozy bank wasn’t so bad in comparison, but she absolutely can do without the front row seat to Harbinger Tartaglia’s (expensive) love life.

i know i'm where i'm meant to go by paperclips (pastel_paperclips)

(chili; humor; fluff; chili-centric; 12k words; ongoing)

"Childe," Zhongli says suddenly. "I am enjoying myself greatly." Childe’s face breaks into a grin. "Then-" Zhongli gasps, grabbing his wrist and tugging him over to an unsuspecting peddler with a cart full of rocks. "Is that an intrusive igneous pegmatite formed in the Inazuma regions?" Childe’s grin smooths into a small, adoring smile. He has all the time in the world to figure the other man out.

OR: Finding the Geo Archon is on Childe's to-do list but hanging out with Zhongli is significantly more fun.

CHILIVEN

Crumbling Stone by avtorSola

(chiliven; ANGST; PAIN; mind control; zhongli-centric; 74k words; ongoing)

When Morax unleashes his plan to test the Liyue Qixing and his adepti, he does not take into account the stirring of the Abyss Order in the north and the corruption of Dvalin - for why would he fear an organization that works in such shadows? He is secure in his power, after all, unlike his flighty ex, the absentee archon of Mondstadt who rises only when his people are in danger.

But, somehow, the Abyss Order discovers his plan. Somehow, they capitalize on it. And he, the God of Stone who cannot sicken, is struck down - taken by an order bent on destroying all of humanity as Liyue crumbles around him. For even Archons aren't immune to Durin's blood, and Morax is no exception. But then the question becomes - if even Archons may fall to the agony of this corrupting burn - how is their traveling friend Aether immune?

The answer comes from beyond the stars - an ancient malice that knows no kindness or mercy. A malice whose legacy the Abyss Order now bears, seeking to topple all the Archons and their people into the void of utter destruction. And they have begun in Liyue.

Fortunately, it takes a long time to erode stone.

(my bookmarks: IM SCREAMING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

PLATONIC ZHONGVEN

left-behind city by trixstar

(platonic zhongven; angst; ANGST; venti-centric; 1k words; oneshot)

"An associate of mine has just informed me that Rex Lapis, the Geo Archon has been assassinated."

Venti blinks.

Or: Venti and how he copes with finding out he is all that remains.

i circle ten thousand years long; and i still do not know if i am a falcon, a storm, or an unfinished song by birdsofpassage

(platonic zhongven; angst; hurt/comfort; zhongven-centric; 4k words; oneshot)

Venti and Zhongli, and the vignettes of a much-needed vacation around Mondstadt.

(my bookmarks: ; - ;      ;  -  ; )

oh ye with little faith by air_fried_air

(platonic zhongven; angst; hurt/comfort; zhongven-centric; 2k words; oneshot)

Two former archons do a little tour around Mondstadt.

(my bookmarks: why are all genshin angst fics so melancholy.... i feel so empty)

the wind through the mountain tops by glassdrachma

(platonic zhongven; humor; hurt/comfort; zhongven-centric; 21k words; finished)

Boredom brings Barbatos of Mondstadt to bother a certain ex-Archon of the Earth.

(my bookmarks: venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship-)

XINGYUN

the art of exorcism by Agried

(xingyun; ghost au; hurt/comfort; chongyun-centric; 9k words; oneshot)

On the road back from one of his jobs, Chongyun runs into Xingqiu, the wandering swordsman. And then they keep meeting, over and over again. or, alternately; how a ghost and an exorcist learn how to love, one step at a time.

Bane of All Evil by tzitzimeme

(xingyun; humor; romance; chongyun-centric; 24k words; hiatus)

When Chongyun unintentionally offends Liyue's second most powerful adepti, he vows to mend the thorny relationship between Adeptus Xiao and human exorcists-- even though no one has succeeded in currying Xiao's favor for over a thousand years.

His best friend Xingqiu offers to come alone, mainly because he's worried about what kind of trouble Chongyun will run into. Along the way, they receive help from others: Xiangling packs them meals for their journeys, while Zhongli gives them advice on what demons to track.

Childe is just there because he thinks the whole thing is hilarious.

[On indefinite hiatus due to burnout; sorry!]

kiss me slowly (so i don't forget) by xiwangmu

(xingyun; humor; romance; light angst; xingqiu-centric; 8k words; oneshot)

Wangshu Inn Bulletin Board

Guest Message: My best friend whom I harbor affections for kissed me last night, but due to his special condition he does not recall a single moment of it. I am quite conflicted about whether to disclose these events to him or not, because that would most certainly require me to confess my feelings as well. If anyone has experience in romancing boys with excessive positive energy, this one humbly asks you to share some advice.

Reply: Our greatest apologies—although we would like to offer some words in response, we simply cannot decipher your handwriting. Perhaps you may return with a neater message next time?

time trials by idlestars

(xingyun/many ships; humor; modern au; xingyun-centric; 2k words; oneshot)

A modern social media AU.

Xingqiu Teases Demons. Chongyun Almost Cries. [The clip shows Xingqiu, lit by the sickly green of night vision, as he stares bored into a dark room. He’s alone - Chongyun left to see if Xingqiu could lure out the ghosts. Xingqiu glances at the camera, smirks, and then opens his mouth.

“Hey demons, it’s me, yah boy.”]

OTHER/GEN

woe be the wallet of the god of wealth by glassdrachma

(gen; humor; identity reveal; keqing/zhongli-centric; 12k words; finished)

Or, the story of how the Yuheng of the Qixing came to idolize, befriend, and discover the identity of the God of Geo, in that order.

(personal comments: hilarious, made me burst out into laughter multiple times, and was just a masterful piece of writing)

to dream of dust by miao_x

(guili/gen; ANGST; hurt/no comfort; zhongli-centric; 5k words; oneshot)

Some nights, Zhongli dreams.

He dreams of soft light, golden song, and a gentle breeze whispering tales of millennia past. It is warm, familiar, and comforting.

It feels like home.

And then he opens his eyes, and awakes to reality.

(my bookmarks: oh zhongli... made me cry)

To drown in your own tears by C_rin_nyan

(guili/gen; ANGST; TEARS; PAIN; zhongli-centric; 2k words; oneshot)

As Rex Lapis, he had never shed a tear, even as he slaughtered hundreds, destruction following his every step. As Zhongli, he had shed much more than he would like to admit, however.

Or, “Zhongli’s soul gave its last scream long ago, yet even now, the echo of said sound was still strong enough to reach Rex Lapis.”

[scintillate-stars]

She wasn’t expecting him to reply, honestly. Nor was she expecting him to be outright rude. Some courtesy would have been nice.

Upon being called ‘stupid’, which earned him a frown, she couldn’t argue against his point. It was careless to give out her location so easily, and she is aware of the risk. But she had a valid reason, she did not have a cat-like sight in the dark.

“Even if curses were to be ‘summoned’ by my flashlight, it wouldn’t be much work to exorcise them. Smarter ones don’t rush into offence” she answers, nonetheless. “And there’s none on this floor” she added, unintentionally saving the man from some trouble.

‘Babysit?’

Her eyebrows raised as she questioned, “What makes you think you’d have to babysit me?”

For all the care in the world, he could simply leave. Even if she found herself in unexpected circumstances, that had nothing to do with him.

“Just so you know, you’re not accountable for whatever may happen to me,” she said.  She is sure he knows, but a reminder wouldn’t hurt. It was just a coincidence that they were on the same mission.

Or, heeding his earlier implications, he might not believe that she will make it out alive. "And I can hold my own ground, if you’re worried about that” Nonetheless, Whatever little interest, or curiosity she had for the man had vanished after a few exchanges of words. ‘Difficult to deal with’ was the opinion she had of the man.

Now,

Coming to the situation at hand.

‘Ah, that’s right’, turning to facing forward. She was about to go up to the first floor.

She focused her gaze ahead but struggled to see anything in the dark

‘Introduce?’ That caught her attention but didn’t turn to face him, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to see him anyway. “Formalities are not on my mind when I sense a potential threat, but you are just a hindrance” she replied, her voice monotone and steady. “The feeling is mutual, you are in my way as well” She added, she wasn’t trying to pick a fight with him, saving herself from unnecessary trouble. They were sent out from different organizations, and that was the simple truth.

Simultaneously, At the tip of her left index finger, she creates a miniature star, a size resembling that of a pea. It glowed brightly, and floated along the direction she walked, illuminating a comfortable radius of area that surrounds her making it much more visible. It made up for the flashlight that gave up.  She walked past him, heading to the nearest stairs, which were behind the man. Without engaging in further conversation, she climbed up, leaving the man alone.

The echo of her steps was soft, yet audible in the absolute silence. One set of stairs ascended, now onto the next.  Five steps were all she took before she realized something was off. Her feet froze just before reaching the floor, her lips parted, and her eyes widened in disbelief. Only a few steps from the surface, she spotted a familiar figure, and that was unsettling.

"Oh lord," she exclaimed loudly enough for the man to hear. She was supposed to reach the first floor, not return to the ground, from where she had climbed up. ‘Is my mind playing tricks?’ For a moment, she questioned her own sanity. 

She turned abruptly and climbed down the stairs in a rush. Yet, at the bottom, the scene remained unchanged. The man was still where she had left him.

‘What’s happening?’ Akemi’s mind was in a state of alarm, as she slowly descended the last step. She momentarily closed her eyes, ‘calm down’ trying her best to not let panic get the better of her. Opening her eyes, she found herself facing the man. ‘Oh, what an unfavourable turn of events,’ she thought.

This could, hopefully, only mean one thing, that they have been trapped inside the curse’s barrier. Barrier as such wouldn’t be a problem to deal with, this would be the most favorable outcome, yet there’s something off.

Was she jumping to conclusions?

Things could be worse, as such, this could very well be the curse's abilities, and if it did possess such abilities, to manipulate spaces then…. Surely, the curse wasn’t just a second grade.

Ah,

“Damn it,” she mumbles.

Since he has no way of knowing what she’s thinking, the only thing he’s bothered by is the fact that he’s been interrupted. He’d left those people so long ago by now, and yet, there was always some Sorcerer who came and fucked with him every single time he found himself getting comfortable. It can’t be coincidence at this point, even though he has no way to tell if it’s purposeful or not. That just makes everything much more aggravating, though, because if it is coincidence, when the hell is it gonna stop being so? He wants out of this fucked up cycle.

Since he can’t know what she’s thinking, though, he can only be focused on the present, and as the flashlight putters out, he gives a derisive snort. Not prepared and not being careful, this new era of Sorcerers was really gonna have some problems on their hands. He almost pities the kid, but his annoyance weighs out instead, so he doesn’t. Tough luck.

“Clearly.” He says, tone clipped, as he drops his raised hand, weapon going with it. “And a damn good thing it did; d’ya have a habit of summoning Curses to you by flashing a damn light everywhere, or are you just that stupid?”

He’s not expecting an answer, nor would he really care if he got one, so he only scowls; while he’s not entirely bothered by her studying him, it’s not like he gets annoyed by every little thing (and he’s doing the exact same thing, so he may as well let her do it to him), he does grow even more annoyed as she points out that he didn’t answer...but then immediately follows herself up with acknowledging how he isn’t willing to. If she knows that, why point it out? There was a million other things they could get to the point of, one namely being her leaving him the hell alone.

“Smartass,” he continues on, both exasperated and aggravated, “if you know so damn much, then you know to get the hell outta my way. I don’t have time to play babysitter.”

In his own brief observance of her, Toji finds nothing of particular merit—she’s just another student, nothing inherently special popping out and making itself known. There was no shortage of non-impressive Sorcerers out there, sure, but it was still a major let-down. He knows the requirements for getting into the Jujutsu schools don’t really take that sort of thing into account, but still. Kinda kills the vibe, and kinda makes him not want to be around if she finds herself in trouble. Far be it from him to be responsible for some kid.

One thing he can give her some personal credit for, though, is not trying to immediately kill him, which he generally appreciates out of a person; the fact that she’s able to concede to him not telling her anything is confirmation that she doesn’t know who he is, too. Out of some deference to that, he doesn’t mind leaving her be, for now. Since the light likely hadn’t been on him long enough to where she could get a good look at him, either, he’ll let her run out and go back to whatever Window brought her over to this place. It’s better for literally all three of them.

“People normally introduce themselves when asking who someone is, anyway,” his tone has now become slightly bored, though only out of the hope it’ll make her leave, “but it’s your lucky day that I don’t give a shit, and that I’m willing to let it slide. Let’s say we skip the formalities and head our own way ‘cause of it.”

He really hopes that’s enticing enough that they’ll be able to separate, because he really does not want to stand in place any longer; he can sense how the Curse is now on the move. While it’s still fairly far from them, he doesn’t doubt it could get the jump on them real fast, and while he’s not currently sensing a Domain, this is still the Curse’s territory. He knows his skills well-enough to travel around in it with caution, but he has no damn clue if she knows that—at least, he has no damn clue if she knows how to do that right.

He’s not eager to stick around and find out.

[themonotonysyndrome]

The Queen’s Lynchpin

We’re getting to part 3 of the ‘Successors of the Future”! This week has gone back to being hectic so I could only write this part here and there for only a few hours. Still, I’m happy that I could finally finish it. 

And we have the names of MC’s and Yandere!Malleus children as well as his second wife and the other prince! Any piece of info from @tri3tri Second Wife AU is always fun to read! With that said, I’ll be adding their names into the 2 previous oneshots after this is posted so it’s all align. If you want to know more about this AU, please drop by at @tri3tri blog. Their content and drabbles are amazing!

Lastly, I think it’s alright if I don’t add the link and summary of the previous oneshots of this series in every new piece. The intro is just gonna be super long otherwise. But if you guys think that a link and summary it’s a good, please let me know I’ll be sure to add them in. 

-

“Uh Mama? Have you been hearing... noises in the middle of the night?”

“You mean your sister talking to her mirror in her room in the dead of the night? Then yes, sweetie.”

MC smile, deeply amused, when her son let out a huge sigh of relief. “Oh, it’s just her talking to Ren.” 

“I’ll tell her to keep it down if she’s talking to Renata at night, don’t worry.” MC assured him with a pat on his head. 

“Thanks, Mama. Say, do you have any plans for today?” Lucien’s sudden question was a little odd to MC. The three of them have been staying in the house - only going out for a grocery run - lately, and she didn’t have any plans to change it. 

“Not really. I was thinking to catch up with some leftover work from the office before Monday comes. Why? Do you want to go anywhere?” MC inquire curiously.

Lucien is quick to shake his head. “Oh, no, no. Umm... Mama, you often look so sad lately. We know that having Ren away at Twisted Wonderland has been hard on you, so I just thought maybe we could all do something to help make you feel better.” He explains with a bit of hesitance, wringing his hands. It’s clear to MC that this is one sensitive topic that he didn’t want to unintentionally hurt her with. 

MC couldn’t help but smile at how thoughtful her little one is. Really, all of her children can be rowdy in their own way but at the end of the day, she always noticed that they tried so hard not to make her worry. But as the parent, it’s her honour to protect her children - not the other way around. Which is why seeing the hesitant expression on Lucien’s face tugs her heart. 

“Oh, Luci. I didn’t mean to worry you and your sisters. It’s just that...” MC paused for a moment to think on how to properly express her feelings. “None of you has ever been separated from me. The issue with your father is one thing, but I can’t help but fret about your oldest sister. Is she eating well over there? Sleeping early on a school day? Oh, but then again, she does have a habit of waking up around 2 in the morning looking for a snack if she sleeps too early.” MC bit her lower lip, she should have told Renata during their last talk to keep some snacks in her room in case she gets hungry. 

Ever since Renata had first contacted Sherrie and taught her the communication runes and she in return, taught her and Lucien on how to draw them on any mirror in the house, they all have been talking to Renata through the large, hanging mirror in the living room every day. 

“We can ask her if she’s been waking up in the middle of night after our dinner, Mama.” Lucien assured their mother. He took her empty tea cup and pour some tea from the still hot pot and push the porcelain cup back to her. They were having tea and a light meal in the kitchen after he had woken up from his nap. 

Sherrie passed on their invitation since she’s too busy livestreaming her latest game in her room. From below, they could hear her muffled voice. 

MC took a sip and hums thoughtfully. “You’re right, Honey. I’ll be sure to do that. Anyway, you mentioned a family activity - what do you have in mind?” Perhaps a distraction is just what she needed to get her mind off Malleus and the inevitable danger he’ll bring. 

Lucien’s eyes brighten in delight. Happy that he could do something to cheer her up. 

“I found this recipe recently and I was hoping that we can all cook together? It’ll be fun I promise!” He pleaded. Among all her children, Lucien is the only one with the knack for cooking. Sherrie can make simple meals whenever she wants. 

Renata, however, needs to be supervised even if she wants to boil a pot of water. 

“Sure! I’d love to. So what’s this recipe you want to cook?” 

Much later when it’s almost dinner time and Sherrie wrapped up her livestream, MC and Lucien are already in the kitchen preparing to cook. Curiously, she glances at the list of ingredients and steps for dinner that was left on the kitchen counter and her eyes bugged out at what they were going to make. 

“I feel like there are things that mankind should never attempt lest the price be their sanity. And this? This is it!” Sherrie shrieked, flapping the flimsy paper incredulously at them. MC is preparing the dough while Lucien makes sure they got all the ingredients out and ready. 

“What? Boba pizza sounds delicious!” Lucien rebuke with a small frown. “And beside, you won’t know if you like them if you haven’t try.” 

Sherrie just slap her forehead at his words, as if she couldn’t believe this. “I know you’re pretty crazy for boba teas but this is ridiculous! Pizza dessert for dinner? Can’t we have something normal, Mama?” She pleaded their mother. 

MC toss her a playful smile as she rolls the dough. “Well honey, it does sound pretty exciting when you said it. Pizza dessert!” When Sherrie’s face scrunched up in disgust, she tries to coax her daughter, “Aww, c’mon, honey. Look, you can order a delivery for yourself but come have fun with us! I’ll even let you toss the dough if you want.” 

Sherrie folded after that. Honestly, making pizza - of any kind - is always messy process, but her children are having fun with smudges of powder on their faces and MC felt her heart lighten just hearing them laugh. Dinner might be unconventional tonight, but it was worth it to see Lucien enjoy eating his pizza and Sherrie reluctant admittance that it tasted alright, if a bit weird. 

Once the kitchen is all cleaned up and their stomachs full, they settled in the living room. MC and Lucien watched as Sherrie used her old, red lipstick to draw the runes on the mirror. The surface rippled once, sinking the runes and reveal Renata in her pyjamas beaming at them. 

“Good evening everyone! How are ya’ll doing?” 

“Hi sweetie. We just had dinner.” MC said, glad that her eldest daughter still looks healthy and happy. 

“You wouldn’t believe what we had for dinner.” Sherrie interjects dryly. The 3 of them are sitting on the couch with MC in the middle. “It’s so weird!”

“But you liked it!” Lucien countered with a smug grin before turning to his oldest sister. “We had boba pizza! It was amazing!”

“Boba pizza!? Nooo! I can’t believe you all ate them without me! I’ve been wanting to try them!” Renata whines. “I wish we can pass stuffs through the mirror. Wait - I might be able to do something about that actually.” She goes on to mutter about needing to bully the headmaster again.  

The family traded what they did during the day, Renata assuring them that yes, she had a storage full of snacks in her room and that her favourite lesson so far is Flying class. Once that’s out of the way, MC asked her daughter, “How are your assignments? Is Leona-senpai’s son helping you out?”

When Renata told them that her History’s assignment partner is none other than Leona’s son, MC was a bit worried if he carries his father prejudice against Malleus towards her daughter, but Renata assured her that other than his funny attempts at posturing and warning growls, Bakari Kingscholar has been nothing but civil and helping out with researching and editing their papers. 

“Yup! We’re nearly done with our homework and I think we’re friends now? He’s a bit of tsundere which makes teasing him so much fun!” Renata giggled. “You know, just today we decided to have lunch together after our assignment and when I went back to my room and check my bag, there was a candy bar inside. He must’ve slip it in when I told him that I snacked often.” 

Sherrie immediately drop her phone. She was mindlessly browsing through her Twitter account while they talked, but her attention perk like a hound dog. “Whoa, whoa wait - he bought you food when you told him that you eat often? Me thinks he might like you, dude.” 

MC’s eyes widen and Lucien gape. Could that be true!? 

But Renata just rolled her eyes. “Oh please, I think he was thanking me for not making him do all the work. You know those tough guy acts? Yeah, it’s nothing special.” 

Sherrie tilt her head, clearly not believing it, but keep it to herself for now. 

“Being the only girl in a school for boys must be tough.” Lucien mused sympathetically. “I’m glad that you have a friend with you, Ren.” 

“Well, Diasomnia students has mostly been friendly yet distant with me so far. Probably because of this,” Renata twirl her fingers beside her horns to emphasise her point. “But it’s cool. So far, no one tries to bully me or anything. And by the way, I’ve been staying out of trouble, Cherry. I haven’t even landed myself in detention so far.” She proudly announced. 

“Yet.” Sherrie snickers. 

Lucien frowns at her. “Ren has been working hard, Cherry. She’s been sticking to your plans, right? I seriously don’t think she will mess it up.” 

“Nah, it’s all cool Luci. I’ve mostly been blowing off steam during Magishift. It’s super fun! I wish you guys could play too.” Renata said and then proceed to explain to her siblings what Magishift is all about. 

That’s another thing that MC had picked up as Lucien grew up. Despite how close her daughters are, they do bickers as sisters tend to and Lucien usually act as the mediator and peacemaker between them when things get too heated. 

MC couldn’t help wonder if her sweet boy would ever be like this if he was raised in Malleus’ castle.

The family talked a little more until it was getting late. After bidding each other goodnight and MC telling her daughter to keep herself safe, she ushered Lucien and Sherrie to their bed and tucked herself in. 

That night, she dreamt of a past memory. However in her dream, all 3 of her children are laughing and free as they grow in her world. 

-

Now that Lucien thinks about it - he doesn’t really know what Sherrie plan is exactly. He’s aware that they’re doing their best to help Renata avoid being discover by their father as long as they can and Mama told her to make friends with the children of her old friends since they helped her out a lot during her school life in Night Raven College but other than that? He doesn’t know what they would do once father found out about their oldest sister. 

That particular though came back in his mind when he woke up from his sleep because he heard Sherrie giggling in her room. With blearily eyes, he checked the time on his phone and groan. 

It’s 3.15 in the morning. 

He push himself out of his warm bed with great difficulties and slowly padded towards Sherrie’s bedroom. 

He knocked twice and groan, “Sherrie? It’s seriously late. Why aren’t you sleeping yet?” 

“Shit, Luci-chan? Sorry, did I woke you up? You can come in if you want. The door is not locked.” 

With a tired grumbled, he swings open the door and zombie-walk to her sister who is sitting in front of her vanity table, talking to Renata. 

“Hey Luci! Sorry that we woke you up!” Renata apologised quickly, guilty that they’ve disturbed their little brother. “I was just reporting to Cherry that I found several hidden and unmarked paths that connects to father’s castle and to the outside world of the Valley of Thorns. I thought it might come in handy so I wanted to share it with her.” 

That sounds interesting to Lucien. He’s a little more awake now. “Did you use your spells to scout the area?”

“I sure did! Haven’t been caught by anyone or any bat so far.” 

“What... what does father’s castle look like?” Lucien couldn’t help but asked. It’s hard to believe that he and his family are actually royalty. That his Mama and sisters used to live in a castle. 

It’s still hard to accept that he’s actually a prince. 

“Gloomy.” Was Renata immediate reply. All her previous good humour vanishes and her hard glare surprises him. “We hardly get any sunshine because father controls the weather with his temper tantrums.”

“Not to mention that we had to live with basically strangers.” Sherrie added. “I never really feel comfortable around the castle’s staffs. Sure we got the family wing all to ourselves but we still had to deal with them.” Both Lucien and Renata understand her unspoken words: having to deal with judgemental strangers is difficult. 

“What are you going to do once father founds out you’re in Twisted Wonderland, Ren? Are you going to go hiding?” Lucien asked. 

It’s Sherrie who answered him, “No. We’re going to make sure that he can’t forcefully take Mama or any of us back to the castle. I just need a little more info and we can act once the 3 of us are in Twisted Wonderland.” She explains. 

“We suspect that once Cherry hits sixteen, the Ebony Carriage will also pick her up and by that time I’ll be in my second year as a student here. If that’s the case, we just need you here and then it’s the second phase.” Renata took over explaining here. “Rumours spread fast in Night Raven College, but it’s not going to reach to father. He’s in an isolated country. Well, not until he’s here.”

Lucien blink, now lost. “He? Who’s he?” 

“We have a halfbrother - Victor. He’s the same age as you, Luci-chan. Looks like father didn’t waste any time getting his second wife pregnant.” Sherrie said with a smile that honestly send cold shivers up his spine. It’s sweet with a poison laced underneath. Lucien seen this smile only once. A girl from school tried to blackmailed and bullied her into doing her biddings. 

He heard that the girl was transferred to another school in a different state soon after when news broke out that she was selling drugs with her boyfriend to the students. 

Lucien would like to believe that the incident had nothing to with his sister, but he’s seen what she does for Renata whenever she lost her homework or to the English Literature teacher that had an issue with her. 

So Lucien needed to asks this. “Are you... are you going to hurt him?” His voice is soft and careful. 

Through the mirror, Renata eyed Sherrie in which his second sister leans into her chair and relaxes. ���I won’t, don’t worry. After all, he’s not at fault.” 

Words are Sherrie’s favourite playthings and at that moment, Lucien hopes she means it. 

-

Funny enough, I’ve been calling S/N (Lucien) as Luciel because it means light and I HC that MC sees him as the unexpected light that Malleus gave her. Her daughters are a treasure but Lucien serve as MC’s light. It’s fate! 

So far for Lucien, my main reference for him are two people actually. Dead Master from Black Rock Shooter and Nisha Labyrinth from Elsword! 

Will expand more on them as I continue to write. Also, I’m shit when it comes to timeline and ages so here’s my rough idea so far:

Renata = 16 years old (first-year student)

Sherrie = 15 years old

Lucien = 13 yeard old

I’ll change the kids’ age if Tri reveal them on their blog.  

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X8

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I freakin’ loved this episode! It was so so good! Which surprised me considering what they focused on. Based on the promo I knew that this would be DeLuca’s goodbye episode and so I expected to like the other parts of the episode we were shown in the promo such as Hayes talking to Meredith at her bedside, Richard’s storyline, and Derek’s return. However, I was not expecting to enjoy any part of DeLuca’s farewell storyline and I was pleasantly surprised. I think that’s because they focused on the effects of grief and guilt and how everyone processes those emotions differently.

It was a really interesting character study on how each person feels a loss in their own way. Despite not liking the character I actually found DeLuca’s memorial service quite moving. I think it was because they found a creative way to do it and because funerals in the real world like we normally do aren't possible right now. My grandfather died last summer and while he didn’t want a funeral my family and I weren’t able to get together to mourn his loss as we usually would and that’s been hard.

I wasn’t particularly close with my grandfather, but the loss of traditional grieving rituals in this time of COVID-19 has been frustrating. I liked that they found a creative way to have the characters mourn the loss of a fellow staff member. I expected to see Carina more, but as I understand it her storyline played out more on Station 19 which makes sense. I felt like they did a good job of showing the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) and how everyone experiences them differently.

Teddy and Owen displayed survivors' guilt and frustration that they did everything right and he still died. At the end we see Teddy in a catatonic state and it made me think that she might be sick with COVID herself or that there was something else wrong. While I've never been a Teddy and Owen shipper I did like the moment at the end where Owen noticed something was wrong and came over to her and told her that he would take her home and when she didn't respond he picked her up and carried her.

It reminded me of the Season 2 episode where Denny dies and Izzie refuses to leave his side so Alex picks her up and carries her over to a chair in her prom dress. Very different relationships, but a nice parallel in my opinion. This episode had a lot of those. Teddy seeing DeLuca in other people’s faces was freaky! I have to say that guy is way more interesting as a ghost then he ever was alive.  

I totally got Helm's reaction. I understand why she said and thought those horrible things about DeLuca. He was an ass for a really long time. I probably would have done the same thing myself, but that doesn't mean she wanted him dead. I thought what Maggie did for her was wonderful. My heart broke for Schmitt when he described his emotions. Richard was angry and Bailey went overboard trying to figure out what happened. Everyone's experience of a loss is different and I like that they showed that.

I’m glad that Richard told Bailey what she needed to hear. It was painful, but in trying to find an answer or a reason for what happened she was unintentionally hurting the people around her who were suffering too. The strength of Richard and Bailey's relationship is that they can tell each other the truth when no one else can or will. I loved his monologue to Catherine about trying to find a meaning in the puzzle of life and questioning his faith which is such a big part of his sobriety. James Pickens Jr. did a beautiful job in that scene.

Say what you want about Catherine, but I loved her response. Richard was trying to find meaning in the meaningless and in response she shared with him that her latest scans showed that the cancer hadn’t grown. Logically it should have, but it didn’t. Sometimes there are miracles and sometimes there are senseless deaths. Life is a puzzle. We don’t always understand it. That was exactly what Richard needed to hear in that moment.

On a more upbeat note, I loved the beach scenes this week! They were perfect! They were everything I dreamed of for my favourite characters and more! We got to see Derek and Meredith get closer and talk about the kids. When Meredith is heartbroken that Derek never got to meet Ellis or to know her he tells her all of these wonderful things about her. How she’s just like Meredith and makes it clear that he’s watching over them always.

He talks about Zola and how she writes to him in her journal and how Meredith taught her to ride a bike. I teared up! I've been waiting for them to discuss the kids and here it is! Hearing Derek talk about Ellis and knowing that he watches over Meredith and the kids was so emotional for me. I loved hearing him describe who she is and getting to learn more about her. I'm glad he encouraged her to go back. As much as Derek and Meredith miss each other she's needed back in the land of the living.

Her kids need her and so does everyone else. I loved Derek's gentle teasing. His facial expressions. And then there are her scenes with Hayes! God they were perfect! I've been waiting for this! I loved how Meredith kept joyfully asking him what he did to make Ellis smile so wide and laugh so loudly. She knows he can't hear her yet there she is dying to know what he said or did. The sound of her voice when she said that was everything for me. They already feel like a couple. So much in sync.

I love that Derek, who was shown to be extremely jealous in life, encouraged her to hear Hayes out. I really felt like he was giving her his blessing and the fact that they established that Hayes has met the kids virtually and they know who he is sealed the deal for me. Hayes has now received Cristina’s approval, Derek’s blessing, and is shown to have positive relationships with Meredith’s friends and family in Seattle. I loved that Hayes told Meredith to fight and talked about how her kids were doing and how everyone needs her.

I loved that he came and sat at her bedside and begged her to fight and not give up and that he talked to her even though he wasn’t sure if she could hear him. I love that he sat with her through the virtual memorial even though he wasn’t close to DeLuca and didn’t like him. The cheerful greeting and familiarity with which he greets Amelia and Zola and the stories he tells Meredith indicates that he’s been having regular video chats with Amelia, Maggie, Link, and the kids and that he’s chosen to stay by Meredith’s side when he just as easily could have left while she was on a call with her kids.  

It will also make the transition easier when do start dating because the kids will already know him. The music in this episode was really beautiful. Especially the songs that played during the beach scenes. I really enjoyed the drunken Link, Jo, and Jackson scene. I felt it brought much needed levity and humour to the episode the same way the beer scene with Jackson, Link, and Winston did in the previous episode. Their scenes were funny and raw and provided a good balance for the episode.

I also loved seeing more of Jo and Jackson's friends with benefits relationship and more of Jo and Link and Jackson and Link's friendship. I'd actually forgotten that Jackson and Link were friends so it was cool to see that dynamic again and that Link is supportive of their situation. The drinking game to me felt like a throwback to the Season 2 episode where Meredith and Cristina are at Joe’s Bar playing a game of whose life sucks the most and she tells them that Derek is married and Cristina tells her she’s pregnant. These revelations eventual lead to Cristina scheduling an abortion and declaring Meredith her person.

It was cool to see Maggie and Winston working together at Grey Sloan Memorial. Winston living in Boston was only going to go on for so long because as we've all found out this past year there's only so much you can do virtually. I knew he'd be moving to Seattle at some point and I'm glad to see him working at the hospital and hanging with Maggie's family. The scene where he danced it out with the kids was too cute! I'll be interested to see more of their dynamic moving forward as Maggie used to be his teacher and is now his boss. I'm also glad that both Winston and Hayes are finally getting the proper screen time they deserve.

Their storyline with the naked guy cracked me up! My two favourite lines of the episode were when the guy freaked out because he realized he wasn’t wearing his mask and Maggie said, “You’re not wearing much of anything.” And when Maggie and Winston went looking for him and Zander Perez, the resident from Pac North, told them, “If you’re looking for a naked guy he went that way.” I laughed so hard!

The scenes with Zola got me. She is a real trouper. She definitely is Meredith Grey's daughter through and through. I'm a big believer in found family and one of the things Grey's does really is show that there are many different ways to be a family and that family is what you make of it. True family is made up of the people who love and support you unconditionally not genetics. I really love that they've shown the strength of that bond between Zola and her family.

My favourite hidden moment of the episode was Tom! He appears in the background at DeLuca's memorial which means he's getting better. If he's well enough to be outside at the memorial then his condition has greatly improved since last we saw and that's great! Tom's a wonderfully complex character and I'm glad he's doing better. He appears in a bunch of deleted scenes that were released through the Grey’s Anatomy Twitter account which I highly recommend. The writing in this episode was excellent!

This episode was written by Adrian Wenner whose previous credits include the Season 16 episode ‘A Hard Pill to Swallow’ in which Meredith and Hayes work that vaping case together and get to know each for the first time. Honestly, my only complaint about this episode is that I wish they’d done it sooner! I wish they had bumped this and the previous episode up. The Mid-Season Finale felt very anti-climatic to me and was poorly received by a lot of fans. I wish they had just scrapped that episode or combined it with what we saw in the Mid-Season Premiere and then jumped into this episode after the break. But we’re here now and that’s the important thing.

Onto next week’s promo. Damn does it look interesting! We see that Owen has brought Teddy home and she’s not eating or speaking and he’s worried if her condition does not improve he’ll have to admit her. I’m sure he’s having flashbacks to when Cristina did the same thing after the plane crash. She appears to be experiencing some kind of nightmare sequence where she sees DeLuca as a ghost and Meredith speaks to her. Looks intense!

Until next time!

[cloudykaii]

Care

pairing: bts x eighth member!reader [platonic]

summary:  omg i just real some of your eight member scenarios and eveerything was so good!! i wasnt into eight member things before but now.. im super in! 😭 can you do a scenario about compilation of the members little caring act on stage, backstage, when theres camera or not, something like that to the eight members?? if you make it then i would be so delighted. than you !!

warnings: none, it’s just really fluff :( some of it might not make sense, but i really love this

A lot of things could be said about your brothers. Each and every one of them had their moments and mistakes, just like you did. Some people would call them rude, or selfish amongst other things, but the one thing they could never say, is that they didn’t care about you. ARMY pointed it out all the time; they even had compilations of moments the eight of you cared for each other, but your favorite were the ones titled things like: “six minutes of proof that bts’ world revolves around y/n.”

Jin jumped as your head fell against his bicep. You were at an afterparty for an awards show the eight of you had been asked to present at. The music wasn’t too loud- you used to joke that it was because everyone knew rich people liked to brag. You had no idea where the rest of your brothers were but you and Jin had been perched on the oddly comfortable sofa as he socialized. He could feel your hairpins digging into his shoulder. 

“Y/N, are you okay?” You didn’t answer and he moved slightly so that he could reach across and tap your arm, but you moved with him. He felt your even breathing and sighed. You still had around two hours left before they could leave. 

One of the girls he had been talking to chuckled as you gave a tiny shiver in your sleep. “She must be tired.”

He smiled at her before slipping off his blazer to cover you with it. “She works hard, sometimes I think she works harder than the rest of us,” he chuckled, pulling you closer so that he could make sure she was comfortable. 

No one knows how a fan account had that video trending on twitter under the hashtag #BabyY/N three days later. 

✦✧✦✧

One bad thing about being the only girl in an idol group, is that sometimes you get the least amount of consideration. Not because they didn’t respect you or anything like that, it’s just that after styling for seven boys, you think sometimes the staff tends to forget you are not a guy, or maybe they had never seen a girl in real life.

Or at least that’s what the short dress you were wearing had you feeling like. It’s not like it wasn’t pretty, a black skirt and connected by a thin, white lacy strip that wrapped around your abdomen. It was gorgeous, and the silky ribbon of a choker around your neck made it look even better, but it was just.. so short. 

You powered through like a trooper, despite the fear in the back of your mind that you were flashing the entire audience while you danced. The minute the song stopped and everyone moved to get a drink of water, Yoongi was taking his jacket off and tying it around your waist. 

Not speaking into the mic, you let him do as he wanted but asked, “Are you even allowed to do that? Won’t the stylist say something about how you ruined her outfit?”

Tightening the knot of material, he rolled his eyes. “Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what the stylist has to say right now. Not only is your outfit not okay, but it’s obviously making you uncomfortable. You can wear this until the next outfit change.”

“Thank you,” you hugged him briefly, glad he had your back. 

✦✧✦✧

There was a time where you guys were recording a live during a long break while at practice. Fans talked about it for ages afterwards. Taehyung sat against one of the mirrors, holding his phone, while Jimin was in the picture beside him. 

“Basically, that’s it. We haven’t really-”

“Y/N, stop running around, you’re going to hurt yourself!” Jimin’s voice cut in, making the other man look over. 

“What is she doing?”

Jimin huffed, “I have no idea, but she’s going to- Y/N, at least t- no actually come here, I’ll do it for you.”

And when you bounced into the view of the camera, only for all the fans to see Jimin pulling your foot to him so he could tie your shoe. “Be careful this time, even if you’re playing tag.”

✦✧✦✧ 

Jeongguk laughed at the camera, the comments being ridiculous. He was doing a live, answering questions about the embarrassing moments he chose to talk about. “No, it was funny! He fell, but then he tried to play it off by doing pushups, but he feel while trying to do that, so-”

He heard the door open in the background, and the camera saw him turn to the side just before he let out an “oomf.” The side profile of your face was visible to the viewers as you moved to curl against him on the bed. You rubbed your eyes sleepily, and he frowned. “It’s really late, you’re supposed to be asleep.”

You mumbled, “I was, but then I got scared and woke up. I didn’t want to be alone.” He pouted at that. You tended to have nightmares whenever you were stressed, and since he was the one who found out about them first, he was usually the person you ran to. 

“Do you wanna sleep in here?” He asked softly. Everyone tuned in could hear everything, but your brother barely remembered that he was even recording as he fussed over you. You nodded, already drifting off on his shoulder. He smiled down at you before turning back to the camera. He read the many comments of everyone cooing over you. “Yeah, she’s alright. I’ll tell her to tell you guys herself tomorrow. Anyways..” 

✦✧✦✧

Of course, there were incidents that were more serious. 

The sun was setting, which made the perfect picture for the shoot you guys were about to do. The rooftop everyone was on was beautiful and stone, the kind of background you saw in movies. The sun seemed to glitter, and the wind made everything sway until the lake’s seemingly glittering waves caught your eye. “Whoa,” you gasped, moving closer to get a look.

“Y/N-”

You waved off Taehyung’s warning. “I’ll be careful! I just want to get a closer look!” You walked back over to the edge, admiring the way the sun sparkled on the water. You subconsciously leaned closer, moving your body a little too far against the thin railing, but before you could topple over, a hand grabbed the back of your jacket with a tight grip, yanking you back until you were a good distance away from the railing. 

Your back hit someone else’s and you recognized Taehyung as you turned to see him. He stared down at you. “I said be careful!” 

“I’m sorry,” you said a little shakily. Taehyung sighed before pulling you back into a hug. “Having a little sister is so hard, you’re not leaving my sight for the rest of the day.”

✦✧✦✧

Another moment fans loved to talk about actually happened at a fansign. You smiled brightly as the next fan came up to you, following the line. “Hello!” you greeted happily. 

Something about this girl threw you off though, and the look in her eyes had you unintentionally leaning away from her. You couldn’t decipher it, but when nothing happened, you told yourself you were just overthinking it. She was probably just excited to meet what could have been her favorite artist group, right? 

You stood by Hoseok as the fansign ended, moving to follow him out of then venue. He chuckled as he looked at you. “You have that look.”

You wrinkled your nose. “What look?” 

“The one that says you’re hungry,” he teased, poking you in the stomach, making you whine. “Well, maybe-”

“Y/N!” You turned around, cutting yourself off mid sentence, to see the fan from earlier. “I found you.” Her smile was a little too bright as she reached for you, only for Hoseok to push you behind him as you stuttered out, “I’m sorry, we really have to go.” 

You moved to attempt to leave after that, but her demeanor quickly changed. Her face changed from too happy and delighted, to dark and angry. Her eyes narrowed, and she reached for you more aggressively this time. “Don’t be son ungrateful,” she squeezed your wrist painfully and you cried out as security finally made their way over. 

Hoseok immediately pulled you to him, looking at the rapidly forming bruise on your wrist. Even though at the moment, it was just a large red mark, his face still tightened. “This never should have happened,” he cursed when he noticed tears in your eyes. 

He pulled you into a hug as he waited for the rest of your brothers to show up. “It won’t happen again,” he promised you. 

✦✧✦✧

The moment that was probably the most talked about, was when a talk show host felt the need to ask you how it felt. Namjoon shared a glance with you. 

“Excuse me?” you asked timidly, straightening up. 

The interviewer turned to you. “Oh, you speak English! I was just asking how it felt to be so similar to a child all the time.” The man’s tone of voice didn’t even change, but the idea that he had expected Namjoon to translate this to you, and now casually asked you as if there was nothing wrong with the question. “You know, they’re always taking care of you, it makes it seem like you can’t do anything by yourself. Does it ever irritate you?”

You tried laughing it off, the chuckle leaving your lips as you ticked a strand of hair behind your ear awkwardly. “Not really. They’re not doing anything to be condescending, and I know that.”

“Do you feel like that is because you need their help?”

“That’s enough,” Namjoon cut in, his jaw clenched as he slid forward a little in his seat as if to help get his point across. “Y/N is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. We pitch in to check on her because we love and care about her, and she does the same for us. She is not a child but a grown woman who we love and care about enough to make sure she’s okay and gets the nice treatment she deserves. With all due respect, if you insult our sister again, we will be forced to cut this short.”

You looked over to him, offering a silent thank you as the interviewer coughed, trying to recover. The bad news was that this interview was live, so he really couldn’t do anything but sit there and realized he had just embarrassed himself. 

Honestly, what else is there to say? You loved and cared about your brothers, and they loved and cherished you. 

[dragimal]

now that s5 is over and I’m starting to wind down from the high of the finale, I think I can finally grasp *exactly* why I have mixed feelings on s5. to be clear, I absolutely ADORE TMA as a whole, and still consider it one of the best pieces of horror media I’ve consumed. but s5 left me feeling... not bad, but off, even when there’s plenty I still rly like abt s5

it mainly comes down to 2 things for me: 1) the severe tone shift, and 2) Martin being Fucking Weird for a lot of the season

a lot of ppl have talked abt how s5 just wasn’t as scary as the previous seasons for various reasons. one kinda inevitable reason was simply that a lot of the mystery of the horror had been revealed at that point, and a monster is never as scary once you can see it clearly. but I think the bigger reason is that the format shifted from horror anthology to.... sociology anthology. like, every statement of s5 felt like a sociology paper on fear and systemic abuse, rather than something meant to chill the reader

this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, honestly-- like I said, much of the mystery had been revealed, so I think it was an understandable move to try to shift the narrative somehow. also, I love sociology papers! I think they’re interesting to read, and s5 gave us some rly creative frameworks for some of them (the poetic carousel, Oliver’s professional assessment, Jared’s garden--)

however, I do think the tone shift was still a bit jarring, esp considering what the audience was used to up to that point. perhaps that’s an appropriate move, to match a plot point as game-changing as the literal apocalypse. BUT that doesn’t mean the tone shift still wasn’t a bit of a let-down, in terms of horror and tension

like, yeah a lot of the mystery was gone, but Hill Top Road ended up being the big mystery of s5... and we weren’t even fully aware of it til almost the end of the season? sure, there was plenty of fan speculation, but we were also considering SO many other possibilities, Hill Top was never rly a core theory until VERY late in the game. like, the mystery seemed to take a backseat to the sociology papers, if that makes sense, lmao

literally the ONE episode to give me chills down my spine like the good ol’ days pre-s5 was MAG196: This Old House. Annabelle vaguely threatening Martin, and ending on, “You have no idea who’s listening, do you?” fucking SUPERB, I was absolutely DELIGHTED by the possibilities of that one line! like, what did it mean? were we gonna go full meta??

but the last few eps after that were... frankly kind of a letdown from that spike of tension? I think those last eps are what rly cinched this idea for me-- that s5 was literally like reading a sociology paper. it rly all was just, arguing about the possibilities, considering the consequences, and making decisions. which, again, isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s not horror-- it’s a thought exercise with an apocalyptic garnish

EDIT-- I forgot to say, I think this is part of why MAG200 simply didn’t hit me the same way it hit others. it was intellectually satisfying-- it tied up loose ends, closed character arcs/relationships, left some delicious ambiguity-- but not emotionally cathartic, if that makes sense? like, I was expecting to cry, but I didn’t even rly get teary? I was grinning and delighted by all the satisfying conclusions, but I didn’t feel that emotional RELEASE that I was expecting and hoping for

as for jonmartin, I want to be clear here. I am NOT one of those ppl that thinks jonmartin came out of nowhere in s4-- I think the buildup pre-s5 was excellent, and their finally being together at the end of s4 was so so earned and rewarding. I’m also NOT one of those ppl that thinks arguments = abuse. I think when I briefly criticized jonmartin in s5 in the past, ppl got this impression that like, I think that jonmartin miscommunicating and having bad coping mechanisms... means that they’re bad for each other and abusing each other? and that’s just not the case?? 

I admit that my initial response to some of the jonmartin weirdness may have been a bit harsh, but even at the time I still loved jonmartin and was simply looking at their relationship with a critical but loving lens

what I have a problem with is that Martin pulls just as much bullshit as Jon in s5, and NEVER gets called out for it

this post I made a while back gets more into the details that bother me, but essentially, there’s always been this rly uneven “accountability scale” (idk what else to call it) for Jon vs. a lot of other characters-- in that, Jon always gets called out for his bullshit, while a lot of other characters don’t. now a lot of this is perfectly explainable as Jon being the main character, so we simply see his fuck-ups AND the subsequent consequences more often than any other character. and there are plenty of characters that I absolutely do NOT blame for going a bit overboard (I give Melanie and Tim in particular a ton of leeway here, given their respective situations. they more or less have full rights to bully Jon imo)

but, the problem is, there are also a LOT of moments where other characters say something absolutely horrific to Jon (namely Basira and Georgie in s4), like imply that he’s responsible for problems he had absolutely no control over, or fucking blame him for literally being groomed into an Archivist by people/powers he couldn’t even grasp... and those accusations are just left to sit and fester in Jon, completely uncontested

the nice thing abt s5 is that most of this is addressed-- like Basira’s completely unfair double-standards for “monsters”, and Georgie unknowingly blaming Jon for his trauma, etc.-- in very satisfying ways.

.... except for Martin.

without rehashing that linked post too much, Martin’s main problem in s5 is that his go-to response to trauma is denial. he denies the fact that he wants to kill avatars for his own satisfaction (which is a completely reasonable desire on its own tbqh!), and instead continues to lie to himself (for quite a long time) that killing avatars is actually helping anyone but Jon and Martin. he denies that Jon’s become a real full-fledged “monster”, and refuses to acknowledge all the baggage that comes with that

this denial unintentionally projects a lot of rly fucked-up messages at Jon, like: Jon is now a freaky horrorshow (even when he’s doing something completely innocuous, like talking casually about his powers); Jon’s fears over losing his autonomy/identity to the Eye, and his fears over his proven abilities to hurt others, are invalid; monsters inherently deserve to die, despite Jon technically being one; Jon not being able to use his powers “well enough” is some failure on his part

now, none of this is to say Martin’s characterization on its own is a bad thing-- I actually think it could’ve been interesting! it’s a perfectly reasonable trauma response, it tracks for Martin’s character pre-s5, and could have been a rly interesting perspective to explore.... if it was ever actually challenged by the narrative or other characters

I think the closest we got was Martin’s conversation with himself in his own domain, when his double calls him out for fantasizing a happy ending where Jonah is dead and Jon and Martin kiss (OUGH.... JONNY YOU HURT ME..), but that still never rly addresses the hurt that Martin’s denial causes Jon

and god, I was rly holding out-- Martin seemed to chill out on the denial a lot after the first third of the season, and I was hoping it might go a similar route as Basira, where it would just take a while to rly address Martin’s issues. but then Jon and Martin have their argument in MAG194, and I was fully on Martin’s side of it, UNTIL he said, “You weren’t meant to enjoy it this much!” (in reference to Jon killing avatars), and when Jon calls him out, Martin just brushes over it! 

BOY when I tell you I went BALLISTIC.... FUCK YOU Martin, YOU’RE the one that went all Kill Bill and PUSHED Jon to feel the same way!! JESUS. like I get that that wasn’t the core of the argument there, but oh my god that one bit...

and once again, to make myself perfectly fucking crystal clear here, this is coming from someone who relates heavily to both Jon and Martin. I can see exactly where Martin is coming from for many of his decisions, and the trauma that’s led him to mentally protect himself like this. so it only makes me more frustrated to see him refuse to face his own issues, while still (understandably) expecting Jon to face his issues. yes, Jon pulls a LOT of bullshit in s5 that he deserves to be called out for (and called out he is!), but accountability goes both ways, Martin! you can’t demand responsible behavior from others if you’re not willing to extend the same courtesy!

[soulwillower]

narcissist  • bill denbrough

(bill denbrough x reader)

(title taken by the song narcissist by no rome)

requested:  hi i was wondering if you could do another fan-fiction of bill denbrough x reader and bill used to be friends with the reader until he became popular and started bulling the reader also the other losers are popular too so the reader has no other friends. when ever she comes home shes ussually crying or blaring music oh and her parents only care about there job then there daughter but you can do whatever you want from there

warning: swearing, mentions of shitty parents, mentions of bullying, lil angsty, fluffy ending, unedited and poorly written 

[losers + reader are 16+ in this.]

hi i may come back and edit this bc i think its choppy, also the user that requested this deactivated their account sometime since i last talked to them :( i hope they’re okay <33 this is for them!

2.2k words

♡

it was one of those days that really should have been fantastic. 

you woke up happy and not tired, you had the chance to actually make it to school on time and grab an apple on your way out the door, your parents even said good-bye to you as you left. and then today at lunch, you were eating on your own and you didn't quite feel as lonely - after that, nobody had come towards you and shoves your shoulder in the hall or knocked your books out of your grasp.

so yeah, it wasn't much but you take what you get, honestly.

and now you're walking home, headphones in your ears and drowning out the world around you as music blares at you from all sides, consuming your thoughts and creating a sense of security that you never found within the walls of your own home nor the halls of your school.

"y/l/n!" a voice barks, and you turn your head quickly, startled as you pull a headphone out of your ear. your stomach falls to your ass as you lock eyes with the only face you didn't want to see staring back at you.

bill denbrough.

he looks completely hazardous as he walks towards you, a teasing smirk on his lips. you already want to cry and he's not even opened his mouth yet - but you know when he does you'll loose the tiny shred of hope you had left for a good day, because he made your life a living hell.

well, you suppose it wasn't really just him, but he certainly didn't help whenever he would snicker at the words uttered by your peers, or the way his mouth seemed to tease you just as much as his eyes did.

and if your life was a silent film, bill had the means to force your world into an array of technicolor screams and and an endless, torturous laugh track that started with a joke at your expense and continued through your day until you ran into your indifferent parents as they stared at their laptop screens and barked work orders into their phones. everything you did, bill's domineering laugh haunted it.

and you know bill could take your silver screen tragedy and turn it into a major motion picture film starring you, the sad delinquent without a caring family and a disputably unappealing social life, and him - the star boy of the town, the dream boat, the handsome devil himself.

he could do that, but instead he just continues his ways, every day hurting your already smashed-out heart and stomping it into a messy pulp on the ground he floats upon.

although despite this, you know he wasn't ever really the one saying it. it doesn't matter, because he stands there and watches as you're berated and sometimes even cracks that brilliant smile of his at a real funny jest at your expense - and that was the most painful part of every day. because you used to be friends. you used to bring that same smile out all the time.

but in a much, much different way.

you and bill had a falling out so long ago that you barely remember what it was like to have him always by your side. all you can remember is feeling the complete opposite of how you now feel - you used to feel so powerful. but you'd gone and lashed out at bill after the stress of your absent parents, resulting in you doing some very terrible things that caused him to abandon you and find new friends.

"d-did you hear me?" he says with a lifted brow, staring down at you with a boldly irritated look. your throat feels dry and you shake your head, "leave me alone, bill." you squeak out, your legs starting to carry yourself faster down the sidewalk towards your neighborhood. but of course, there's that damn laugh again and his long legs carry him back to you effortlessly.

"i s-said, m-mrs. graham told me she lent you a copy of the s-scarlet letter. i need it."

you swivel your head to stare at him. "what." you say, completely unsure of the complete lack of animosity behind his words. is that why he's here? he needs something from you? you want to scream as you let your feet fall against the pavement, nearing closer and closer to your house.

"you r-really are a d-dumbass, aren't you? i said i n-need the book." he says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. what's he doing, walking with you right now, asking to borrow a book? he's not your friend, as he reminds you every day, so why is he suddenly trying to act like it? "well i don't have it." you say honestly, "it's in my room. get it from one of your friends." you utter, mind flashing to the faces of the losers who, really, were absolutely not considered losers by a popularity standpoint.

the losers were the life of every party, they were the 'cream of the crop,' they were the most popular kids in school. and as much as you hated to admit it, they were the reason that you weren't friends with bill anymore. you and him were the best of friends when you were younger; your moms had been friends for a long time and when they both had kids the same age, it was like a match made in heaven. so for the first fourteen years of your life, you and bill were close to the point that you somehow fell for him along the way.

which is why it hit even harder when you went to high school and the losers started to pull bill away from you unintentionally. and even the losers didn't mean to do it. other people loved bill because of his charismatic, gently leading nature. they loved him because he was handsome and funny and caring.

and they hated you, so bill had to start conforming to that stereotype. and now, almost four years later, you still flinch when you catch a glimpse of the losers in the hallway or when you meet a certain pair of green eyes.

"n-none of my friends have it, y/n. that's wh-why i'm asking y-you." he insists and you swear you're about to scream or cry. maybe both.

in the end, he follows you to your house and you dig out the scarlet letter.

"fine, i gave it to you, will you leave me alone?" you mumble as you turn to meet bill, who hasn't moved a muscle since grabbing the book. bill huffs beside you, a strange and unexpected silence falling over you as the air changes in the room.

his eyes are swimming over your empty walls and you're suddenly embarrassed because you have no photos of you with friends to hand up. and he can see that. "you ch-changed your r-room." he says next, rocking on his heels.

you're so nervous about what he's going to say that you almost stutter like him. "y-yeah, of course i have since middle school." you reason, looking around and noticing all the ways it's changed since he and you were friends. now the walls are a new color, posters of your favorite bands hanging up, covering the spots where photos of you and bill and even georgie used to hang proudly. you aren't sure where those photos are anymore, but you know they're not here. it still hurts too much to look at them.

"why? i liked it b-before." he says, sounding honest. your heart drops and you look up at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“you’re joking.” you say, arms crossed. he glares at you, the animosity obvious in his green eyes. “you know why i changed it all.” “what, y/n? i don’t know what you want from me.” he snaps and you nearly scream at the irony of his statement. “you’re a narcissistic dick, you know.” you mutter, crossing your arms. and you believe it, which makes it even worse to realize that you still love him, despite that. you sigh, sitting on your bed and dropping your face into your hands.

slowly, the mattress dips beside you and a warm body slides next to you. you look at him out of the corner of your eye suspiciously.

“y/n.” he whispers, but this time his voice is soft and you’re just confused. he looks at you, eyes flickering downwards a few times and confusing you. until he’s leaning forward and his eyes are closing and... oh god -

you jerk your head away from him like he's a hot pan and he opens his eyes and stares at you. you want to fucking sob. "bill, are you kidding?" you whispering, noting how broken you sound to yourself.

your mouth continues before your brain can filter it. "come on. i can put up with the incessant teasing, the rude remarks, the dirty looks. whatever. but if you're going to try and make fun of me in this way..." you trail off, afraid that if you keep going you'll actually cry. he looks lost and nervous.

"can you just leave?" you whisper, avoiding his eyes and picking at the hem of your sleeve.

"y-y/n, but-" he starts but you let out a half sob, "no, bill, this is not funny. this is really fucked up." you say, the words slicing through the air like a sizzling knife.

"its n-not a j-joke." he says quietly, but he stands up and scratches his neck. your eyes snap up to watch him with an apprehensive feeling of hope blossoming in your chest. as he turns to leave, you catch his wrist. he looks at you, cheeks red and a defeated look across his features. "what did you say?" you ask quietly. he just looks at you, as if he doesn't want to say it again.

and you can’t believe he won't willingly say it - because he’s that ashamed.

"you've made my life hell, bill. you can't just act like everything's changed because you tried kiss me just so you could make fun of me." you say, tired of his shit, "you're a terrible person for what you've done, especially if you know that i still have feelings-" you try to cut off your frustrated ramblings but it happens too late and you sigh. "leave." you say simply, dropping his wrist.

he kneels down instead, though, so he can try and meet your downward tilted eyes. "p-please, y/n. i'm s-sorry. i don't want to h-hurt you any-more." he whispers, tears welling in his eyes. you look at him, shocked to hear him sound so vulnerable. you realize you aren't sure when the last time was you heard him sound so sincere.

"i kn-know you can't f-forgive me. i don’t d-deserve that. b-but maybe, one d-day, you'll s-see that i feel r-really awful. a-and i need to make a ch-change." he's saying these words and it's like your world is clicking by one still frame at a time and you realize fleetingly that he's done it - bill denbrough has finally turned your life into a major motion picture.

"so... that-what was-" you stammer and bill shakes his head, leaning closer and gently placing his hand on your jaw. you don't flinch this time.

"i w-wanted to kiss you for r-real, b-because... because i've w-wondered what it would f-feel like for y-years." he says, staring into your eyes. “so i’m s-sorry to put you in th-that situation. i-it’s just a crush, y-you don’t have to w-worry.”

your heart starts flipping as you stare at him, lips parted in shock. "what?" you ask, feeling dumb because no way is this happening.

no way is bill denbrough, the boy who learned just how to make your bad days just a little worse, confessing that he's wanted to kiss you for a while. and no way are you admitting to yourself the same thing.

“i l-like you, i think. i w-want to know you a-again. i hate not talking to you e-every day.” he says, staring into your eyes. you smile lightly, resolve breaking and he beams, happier than you’ve ever seen him.

so yeah, it was one of those days that really should have been fantastic. and as you sigh a shaky breath and lean forward, bill closes the gap with a soft press of his lips to yours and you suddenly dont care what the day should have been, because you have a feeling that what's happening is going to change the course of the rest of your life.

his lips are a presence against yours; a force that knocks the wind out of your chest as his hand caresses your cheek and lightly licks your bottom lip. you’re putty in his hands, and you both know it.

you just have to trust him.

as you pull away, though, you take one look at him and realize that yes, he will wait for you because this is bill, and he will show you how much he cares.

"c-can i stay? p-please." he asks, looking insecure and making you smile softly. "yeah, bill, of course you can."

he smiles fully, pulling you into his chest before rising up to flop on your bread, star fishing and tugging you to lay with him. you laugh slightly, heart pounding just as hard as his own

"we have homework, bill." you state, knowing the boy despite all that you'd been through. he grumbles, nuzzling his nose into your shoulder with red cheeks. your stomach flutters with nerves and butterflies.

[chelledoggo]

Coming Clean

The past few days for me have been...eventful, to say the least.

But it's a new day, I've cooled down from the panic, and am ready to make my final, no-BS statement on this whole controversy. I feel like it needs to be done, and a few tweets on the subject isn't enough.

CW: Transphobia, Ableism, Suicide, Anxiety, Panic attacks, Depression, Rape and Murder mentions

On Sunday, July 12, 2020, I made a meme and posted it to Twitter. Essentially, the meme was comparing issues of mainstream trans and nonbinary people (being killed, being raped, being made fun of, being denied health care under Trump, etc...) to the online xenogender community, a community which I had not previously properly educated myself on.

Xenogenders, as I understand now, are gender identities that are used by some people, typically neurodivergent people, because they feel that these terms describe their gender identity better than the predetermined labels that are more commonly used. (cis, trans, nonbinary, agender, genderqueer, etc.) These identities are often based on unconventional factors, such as aesthetics, creatures, mythical beings, natural phenomena, and so on, and often use pronouns specially coined to compliment them.

In the meme, I depicted a very unflattering stereotype of xenogender youth, and used some tasteless terminology to describe how they present their developed gender identity to the world.

I won't bullshit you anymore. Here is the meme. (CW for Transphobia and Ableism; Rape and Murder mentions)

I posted it to Twitter, closed out, and took a nap. I didn't expect much to come out of it except for a few likes and retweets. I was obviously very wrong.

When I woke up and pulled up Twitter again, I was greeted to my notifications being flooded with replies upset by what I'd posted. Many of them were calling me out for ableism and transphobia. Some of them were just flinging insults and mocking me for my age/appearance/etc. Some of them were just fancams.

I'd finally seen the true impact of my actions.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a fear of angering others or becoming hateful and ignorant. I would never want to intentionally hurt innocent people, especially those of marginalized groups such as the trans and nonbinary communities. And as someone who is neurodivergent herself, I certainly wouldn't want to be willfully ableist. I've faced ableism in one form or another for my entire life.

People could also tell you that for pretty much my entire life, I've suffered with mental illnesses. I've been professionally diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD, and bipolar disorder. As such, I'm prone to panic attacks, outbursts, and suicidal ideation when under extreme distress.

As soon as I saw all the anger and hurt I'd caused, I started spiraling into a severe panic attack. I didn't realize how much this meant to a lot of people. A lot of young, neurodivergent people.

I felt like the scum of the earth. I fucked up, just like I've fucked up and made people hate me so many times before in the past. This is my life. Acting without thinking, and then unintentionally hurting people.

I immediately deleted the tweet and made an admittedly hasty apology.

When I'm in this state, however, I don't think clearly. My immediate reaction was that I was just too much of a fuck-up to go on living. I made a tweet saying I wanted to kill myself without any thought as to how that might be interpreted as guilt-tripping after I fucked up instead of taking responsibility.

Again, I was called out on it. So I deleted my suicidal tweets, too.

I then started posting tweet after tweet after tweet claiming that I was sorry and wanted to “be better.” But this barrage of tweets, as sincere as I thought they were at the time, came off as shallow damage control.

Once again, I was called out on this.

The next day, I tried once again to make a no-bullshit apology. I stated in plain english that I was indeed transphobic, ableist, and 100% in the wrong to make that meme, and that, while I still didn't fully understand xenogender identities, I would be respectful of them from now on.

There were plenty of people who were glad I apologized and learned from my mistakes, and I honestly felt a lot better for it.

I was hoping this would just be a fresh start, and things could slowly go back to normal for me and my friends.

However, there were also people angry at me for “bending the knee,” as they put it. I hid their replies to my apology because some of them (not all of them) were friends of mine, and I didn't want them getting attacked.

Some of my friends took this as “throwing them under the bus,” and were angry at me for it. A few of them decided they didn't want to be my friends anymore.

My friends, whether I agree with them on everything or not, mean a lot to me. They are really the only emotional support I have. I suffer from abandonment issues and my mental illness symptoms spike whenever I lose people I consider close friends.

So I lashed out at them for not respecting my decisions. I felt like they didn't really care about my mental health or my emotional wellbeing. I was hurt. Hurt just like I hurt everyone with the meme that started this whole nightmare.

I then, once again, started posting suicidal tweets. I talked about wanting to “chug a bottle of pills” and “go out like etika.” I actually attempted to strangle myself with a bathrobe belt. But, of course, I'm an all-talk-no-action coward when it comes to suicide.

After this, something just kind of fizzled out inside of me. I came to the conclusion that as much as I wanted to just make everyone happy, I couldn't. I couldn't make everyone believe that I was sorry, and I couldn't make everyone stop seeing me as just someone who wanted to “bend the knee” to avoid backlash.

So I was done. I gave up. I didn't care anymore. I was numb.

I made one last series of tweets stating just that, announced I was taking a break from twitter to heal, privated my account, and left. (I also made a tweet asking for people to report the person who screenshotted my meme and got people on me, but then I got called out for targeting a minor, and deleted this tweet as well.)

That brings us to right now.

I decided that I needed to really sit down, gather up all my thoughts, and recount the entire series of events. I just want everything that happened, including my words and actions, to be understood.

I'm not a bad person. I'm not an ableist or a transphobe. But I am a human. A human who makes mistakes. And when I make mistakes, I want to learn and do right by the people I've hurt.

I'm also a person with an extremely fragile mental and emotional state. A person who doesn't think clearly under pressure. A person who's had to put up with a lifetime of feeling like a failure who should honestly just cease to exist.

The bottom line here is this: I've gone through the suffering that I needed to go through. I realized the consequences of my ignorance. I've tried and am still trying my best to do right by everyone. I need to get this thing off my chest, confess to my sins, and finally let this whole thing go. So I can heal. So that everyone I hurt and everyone who got caught up in this can heal.

I would be lying if I said I completely understood xenogenders at this point. I probably never will. But I don't need to understand. I just need to be respectful. Because at the end of the day, no one's hurting anyone by identifying with a xenogender identity. They're just people trying to find themselves, just like I am. Who the hell am I to put them down? I'm neurodivergent. I've been young. I should know better.

I sincerely apologize to the xenogender community, to the LGBT+ community, to my friends, and to everyone that got caught up in this.

I love you all.

TL;DR: Made a shitty meme. Didn't do my research on xenogenders. Was ableist/transphobic. Had a severe mental health breakdown. Alienated everyone. Am genuinely sorry.

NOTE: At the time of posting this, my Twitter is still on private, and I’m afraid to unprivate it just yet. I would appreciate it if my friends could share this so it can get out there.

[partyinthemysterymachine]

On Purpose

Harry wiped his hands on the dish towel. He leaned back on the kitchen counter and took his time rubbing his fingers dry, pushing the damp terrycloth fabric into the webbing, and rotating it over his knuckles. There was a man seated at the table that he wanted to watch fiddle with his smartphone. It’s been three years since they got home, took off their jackets, and packed them away into a box that went directly into the furthest corner of the closet. Those three years have been a hell of a bumpy hayride for the Mason family of two and the Sunderland of one. Honestly, Harry wouldn’t trade it for anything.

His hands were clean and dry. He tossed the bunched up towel back and forth, and inclined his head. “You good over there, babe?”

The wrinkle of his nostril answered that question. Harry smiled wide and warm. “What’s got you in a tizzy now?”

“I think I deleted my email,” James mumbled, distracted. “I dunno what I did.”

“You deleted your email,” the aging patriarch repeated, dumping the terrycloth on the granite top island. “From your phone or from forever?”

“Phone first, forever second,” he replied, the frown wrinkling his brow deepening. Harry strolled over and bent over the back of the chair, laying his arms around James’s neck. He tucked his dark head against the side of the one of blond and snuggled into his lover’s pale, and perpetually cold skin. James’s head was forced to tip to the side by the enthusiasm of his partner’s lion-like nuzzle, yet he had no intent to fight it. From there, Harry observed his frustrated swiping and fumbling.

He pressed a little kiss to James’s cheek and extended his arm, pointing at the phone. “Hold up, stop stop,” Harry spoke against him. “Go into setti— no, babe, go back. .. go back.. okay. Scroll down to ‘Mail.’” James felt the little frown pressed into his face. It caused his own to bear a soft smile. “Uh.. scroll back up. .. scroll down? Uh.. okay, what the hell did you do with— hang on.”

James patiently did as he was told while Harry patted his legs, then maneuvered his phone out of his pocket. All the while, he chose to tuck his face into James’s neck. Then he sighed and nuzzled up on his partner’s cheek again, wrapping his arms around him to hold the device out for both of them to see. “Okay. Let’s see here.”

He wasn’t so sure if he’d get over the strange initial discomfort he got when Harry unlocked his phone to a picture of Heather trapping James in a bear hug. She got caught mid-laugh, and he noticeably embarrassed, though his shy smile and the affectionate way he looked up over the camera at the person behind it always settled that discomfort pretty quickly. James liked that memory a lot, though getting to have it as a visual memory meant even more. He wondered, as he often did, if Harry knew what he’d captured.

It’s the little things that mean the most.

The picture was only there for a second, the settings menu being all there was to see now. Harry lifted his chin a little off his shoulder, moving the phone a little further down. “Maybe I should have my reading glasses for this.”

“Then go get them.”

“No. I don’t wanna move.”

“Put your accessibility settings at AARP member.”

Harry incredulously inclined his head, staring at his boyfriend’s profile. “Excuse me?” he inquired a younger man whose deadpan wasn’t holding up like it used to. James tried to withhold his smile, but it was no use; the only thing he could hold back was his laugh. A partial grin crept onto Harry’s face. “That voice sounds like James, but what I’m really hearing is Heather.”

It was war to keep the smile from becoming a full blown grin, but there’d be no sure victory from trying to keep it out of his words. “You might want to call an audiologist, then. Or tell your psych. You saying that worries me a little, Harry.”

James flinched and uttered an ‘ow!’ from the righteous flick at his ear. “Stop hanging out with Heather. She’s a bad influence on you.”

He leaned slightly to the side to look at handsome tyrant-in-training at his shoulder. “Why? She just says what we’re all thinking.”

“You’re a brat,” Harry told him matter-of-factly. “And she’s a brat. And he’s a brat - we’re all brats, hey!” he chanted under his breath at his ear, making James shake his head and return his attention to their little project. There were many reasons why he and Heather liked to complain about Harry, and this ranked in the top twenty of the endless list. “Okay, so,” the middle aged annoyance continued, “you should have ‘mail’ here under ‘passwords and accounts,’ and that kind of shit just doesn’t up and disappear, so.. what’d you do with it?”

“I don’t know, Harry,” James replied. “I thought it’d be a fun prank to see what I could delete from this phone and forgot to consider that I might not be able to get it back.”

“Look at you, Mister Technology Wiz,” Harry mocked. “I knew you were smarter than you let on.”

“I like to keep you guessing. It gives me a sense of superiority.”

“Wow, no shit?” He smiled at the soft chuckle from the former conduit and pecked another kiss on his cheek. “Okay. Restart your phone. If it’s still fucked up we can take it in to the Apple store and get it checked out. If you somehow unintentionally jailbreaked your phone, I’m gonna fucking die laughing.”

James held the appropriate buttons and watched the screen blacken. “Okay. Still want the cookie jar, or did you change your mind?”

“Nah, still married to the cookie jar idea,” he confirmed. “Just put it on somewhere on the counter to horrify guests when they come over.”

The phone lit up and James punched in his passcode. “We’ll keep it unsealed and put some cookies in for you to munch on in the afterlife.”

“Oh, James,” Harry sighed dramatically, smiling down at the picture he’d chosen as his wallpaper. It was a simple snapshot of Harry’s work desk. The yellow lamp light illuminated his spread of books, papers, and his open, but dark laptop, and cast dark yet peaceful shadows where they were meant to be. He’d known about that picture for a while. James has had it since he learned how to set a custom wallpaper on the same day he got the phone. Every time Harry saw it since, he nearly burst with the strain of resisting the urge to drown his boyfriend in kisses. “It’s like you know me.”

It’s the little things that mean the most.

“Not willingly.”

“Preaching to the choir. Okay, let’s see what you’ve got now.”

James leaned his head on Harry’s for the rest of their futile tinkering. Eventually he checked out of the the whole business and nudged his forehead to Harry’s warmth. He smiled ever so softly at the gentle caress on his neck from Harry’s heavy hand, and the kiss planted on his brow that followed. His eyes slid closed when it became evident that Harry had decided to work with one hand and left the other where it’d landed, lazily brushing sweet touches over his throat and behind his ear.

There was no solution to the email problem, and they’d both lost interest in it awhile ago. Now Harry folded his left arm across James’s chest, holding the sleeping phone to his shoulder as he combed his fingers up through blond hair that no longer smelled of lake water. He nestled his nose into the plainly styled cut and closed his eyes. James, in general, was a plain young man; always had been, always will be.

He loved that about him.

The dull thunk of the smartphone being set on the table didn’t affect him. In fact, he smiled so blissfully when James’s cool hands loosely found a place clasping his arm and hand that nearly all the lines of age on his face deeply creased. James felt it in his hair how happy that smile was. He loved to see it. He loved to feel it. It made his heart do Olympic gold medalist acrobatics, as it did now knowing it was there at all.

But lately within the last year, while his heart still leapt with joy to see that genuinely adoring smile on a daily basis (truly, he couldn’t recall a day where he didn’t see Harry beam like that at some point), he’d realized how many more lines there were. February had passed a few months ago. Harry’d turned fifty-three this year. And no, it wasn’t that he thought fifty-three was anywhere near being a senior. James had trouble explaining it to himself. All he knew is that his heart had begun to hurt while it celebrated seeing that look on Harry’s face.

The hurt was different than the way it hurt because he was loved, and because James loved him, too.

He idly stroked his thumb back and forth on Harry’s hand. The pressure against his head meant another kiss. James reached up and took Harry by the back of the neck, pulling him down as he tilted his head to get a proper kiss out of him for once.

You can’t say that to me, Harry! James had angrily spat at him at the time. I don’t want to hear it! Okay?! Just don’t— even start to even fucking think it—

Why? implored the distraught, heartbroken man. Why can’t I say I love you? I’ve said it before, James, and if you really want me to I won’t say it again, but I’m just— I’m trying to— I just want to understand why—

Because I can’t fucking hear it. I can’t fucking hear it from you. It drives me fucking insane.

But.. why?

His shivering, barely beating heart had sunk like an anchor from the pure agony that dripped from that simple word. Why? Why, he’d dare to ask? Why? James had hated that question from Harry Mason since day one. Today, that goddamn question made him burn so red hot that he wished that Red Pyramid Thing would come along and skewer him right through.

Because I don’t want to fucking hear it, Harry!

James had suddenly lost all that fury in a single breath. In one swift blow, he’d murdered a tired man who he’d caught smiling at him countless times already; who liked to take his hand and kiss his fingers; who liked to talk to him even though he had no obligation to respond; who fought with him, for him, and had almost given his far more precious life for his safety; a man that held him just because he wanted to.

I just.. I can’t take how sincere you are when you say it, he’d tried to explain, as weak and deflated as Harry looked. It’s like you really mean it, and—

I do really mean it. I love you. I don’t think I can even apologize for it.

But you shouldn’t, Harry, James had protested. You really, really shouldn’t. I can’t have it. I can’t deal with it.

Why shouldn’t I? the grief-stricken author had asked. Is it because of what you are? Is it because of what you did? Because of how depressed and hopeless you are, how sometimes you’re barely functional and a drag and kind of a shitty person and you hate yourself so goddamn fucking much that you can’t imagine why anyone would even care enough about you to pick a piece of lint off your shoulder? Is that why?

The had words hit home, and from Harry, wounded and shamed him to the point that he’d pathetically hung his head and stared at the floor.

“Sorry we couldn’t figure out the case of the missing mail,” Harry slurred on James’s parted lips. “Maybe we can ask Heather to figure it out later.”

A smile and a light breath from the other man was caught between another slow kiss. “You find a new way to disappoint me every day.”

“I have to get creative.” Harry’s palm pressed firmly into the back of his lover’s head to briefly strengthen their kiss. “Because I know you like it.” His nose was often described as a beak for the way it curved, and James thought it handsome, especially when it touched his own sloped one in what was known as an Eskimo kiss. “And what sort of bullshit would that be to disappoint you for me being unable to find a new way to disappoint you?”

That’s just too fucking bad, James. I’d say sorry to disappoint you, but I’m really not fucking sorry at all.

“Mm. But wouldn’t that have been a new way to disappointment me?”

“Oh, shit.”

What do you think this is? Tell me honestly, really, I’m very interested to know what you think. Because I’m going to tell you my side of things, so listen up, okay? This is not going the first or last time I’m gonna tell you this, either. I’ll say it every goddamn hour and every fucking day for the rest of my life even if you ever start to believe me. I’ll say it until the sun goes down for the last time and even then I’ll figure out a way to keep saying it to you.

Are you listening?

“Mmhmm.”

I love you. I am choosing to love you, because loving you is something I want to experience no matter the outcome. That’s it. Full stop. I know what you are. I know what you’ve done. I know who you are, even just a little bit, and I swear to fucking god, James, I love you. I’m not brushing off all the bad shit you’ve done or what kind of monster you think you are. You’ve done some pretty terrible stuff. I’m not forgetting that.

But even knowing that, even despite that, I have seen it for myself that you want to hear me say it. I hear it when you say my name. I feel it when you do something as little and thoughtless like grabbing my sleeve, Harry’s voice then broke and thickened, trembled with the beginning sobs of a desperate, begging heart. James covered his eyes behind his hand and had tried to clench his jaw to beat back an intense, once-foreign feeling that wouldn’t allow itself to be repressed any longer.

Harry loudly hummed and encased James in a strong bear hug about his shoulders as best he could from behind him. James’s exaggerated groan that sounded a lot more irritable than he actually was, which was not at all, got somewhat stifled against the author’s hairy, meaty forearm. His older boyfriend then transformed his hum’s pitch to match his groan, and together they raised their voices, swiftly building a challenging crescendo, a duel of lung capacity and stamina.

You never have to say it aloud, James. I know. You tell me all the time. You tell me all the time and yet you still think you don’t deserve to feel that way or have anyone give a rat’s ass about you. I love you because you’re you. I’m aware of everything you are and did and all that crap, and I love you.

Do you fucking understand me, James Sunderland?

James won the battle.

Harry forfeited with grace and maturity. Of course, that meant that when James decided he’d like to get up, the Mason patriarch used his bulky weight and strength to try to keep him in the chair and make it as difficult as possible for James to escape.

“Get— ugh, Harry! Get off me. Come on, don’t be a sore loser.” That groan he emitted at Harry’s decision to tighten his arms was a mite more sincerely annoyed than the last time. “God, come on. Why are you such a pain in the fucking ass—“

“Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”

Disgust distorted his face as the fact sank in that such a well-respected piece of ancient wisdom got turned into a crude double entendre. “Oh, aw, what the fuck— that’s gross, Harry. And blasphemous. And before you say it, yeah yeah, pot calling kettle black, whatever, don’t wanna hear it, I know, now let me up, old man.”

“Mm, mean, but not yet,” Harry both scolded and vetoed with a kiss to his ear. James sighed and sank his bodyweight onto the chair, still holding his boyfriend’s arm in both hands. He dropped his head the slightest bit back onto Harry’s soft shoulder.

He was wearing that cable knit sweater he’d gotten him last Christmas. It was a handsome, rusty orange, like if autumn were a color. Heather had laughed and called it a ‘dad sweater.’ Even though Harry agreed with her, and James sheepishly acknowledged the accuracy though he hadn’t intentionally chosen it with that in mind, he had actually blushed when Harry pulled off the navy blue he wore and donned himself in knitted fall.

Do you fucking understand me?

Harry wore that sweater often.

James smiled.

He didn’t reply.

“Hey. Harry.”

Listen to me again, James:

“Mm?” he mumbled on his pretty, pale neck.

I am choosing to love you. Because loving you is something I want to experience no matter the outcome. You need to internalize that. Someday, I want you to believe it.

“I love you.”

I want you to believe that you are so goddamn worthy and deserving of my love. I’m going to love you, or die trying.

James closed his eyes to soak in the emotional, radiant smile against his skin, and tightly squeezed Harry’s forearm to try to replicate the fiercely adoring way he wrapped him up in his embrace, even though the couldn’t at the moment hold him like he wanted to.

Everything I do, James - protecting you, caring for you, loving you, I do it all, and I do it fucking all--

“On purpose?”

His eyes opened, his head turned, and lake greens met deep, earthy browns. James loved the color of Harry’s eyes; perhaps even more than Harry claimed to love the color of his, too.

It’s the little things that mean the most.

“On purpose.”

[yanderedbh-moved]

In this scenario, you’ve become fed up with your life as the yandere’s glorified captive. Deciding you can’t take another day of this, you attempt to just get up and walk out. Much to your dissatisfaction, though, you are stopped at the door by the yandere. After a heated confrontation, you make a split-second decision to just try and force your way past them. However, in a blind panic, the yandere grabs you and throws you with full force away from the door, accidentally throwing you up against the wall. The unexpected strength of the attack was faster than your reflexes. After your head collided against the wall, you were unable to catch yourself before landing on your back. Knocking the wind out of your lungs, leaving you stunned and practically immobile.

Connor

For a brief moment here, Connor might unintentionally have a bit of a "blackout" moment. On account of all the stress and peril of his current situation, Connor loses full control over himself and his instincts as a hardened police Android take over. Resulting in Connor reacting with such force.

After he's apologized to you and after you've allowed him to scan and assess any possible damage caused, he will do his best to explain the cause of this outburst. Partly for your own sake of understanding and partly so you won't blame him later.

Though he might not want to do this, Connor can't help but notice how he has your full attention and that you undeniably view him as a threat he will use fear to get his point across towards you. He'll explain that he's powerless to stop this shift in his own behavior, and it'd be in your best interest not to test him again if you don't want this to happen.

Markus

He knows there's no way to prevent himself from feeling guilty over what he's done; he must admit to himself this choice was made with the both of your well-being in mind. Although this hurt, it really was a necessary evil.

Before he does anything, Markus will allow the silence and fear to fully set in for you to really learn your lesson here before he even does anything. After this, he will give you a choice. Apologize for leaving and swear you'll never do this again and he'll help you out here, or you can try your little escape again and see where that leads you.

After everything, though, you know there's no way you physically have the strength left and you to try and run again. With no choice but to admit defeat, you let Markus carry you back to the bed where you'll have an awfully long time to think about what you've done.

Kara

Before now, Kara always saw herself as a protective figure to you; it just didn't make any sense to her why you would try to run from her. What made even less sense to her, however, was how could she let herself bring you harm after she promised so long ago to do nothing but love and protect you.

To make up for doing this to you, Kara swears to look after you with the utmost attention while your injuries repair themselves. No matter how minor any of those injuries might be to her, this is her fault, and she must atone for this.

Kara might really beat herself up over this because, on the one hand, she really does feel guilty over doing this to you. However, this might also be a slight manipulation tactic to convince you to forgive her over all of this.

Hank

He's barely even able to fully process what has happened before he's a cursing mess. Not exactly hard to understand why it would cause Hank so much stress to see he directly caused someone he loves so much physical pain. As he's likely become so smothering over you to cope with the way he blames himself for Cole's death. So even a rather minor incident like this has his stress levels at a maximum.

He'll start swearing before doing his best to quickly bend down and get beside you. (As swiftly as he can though unfortunately his knees just aren't what they used to be.) As a lieutenant, he has at least the vaguest of medical knowledge to check to see if you have any significant damage on the back of your head or on your neck.

For a long time, he wouldn't know what to do other than to just hold you in his arms and whispering in your ear to you over and over how sorry he is. Needless to say, this stuck with him, and he actually is more hesitant to strike out in the future or to even so much as raise his voice.

Luther

To say he was regretful was an understatement. Honestly, there were no words to describe the shame and regret he felt as he watched your body slumped to the floor, and the way your eyes wide nearly tearing with fear stared up at him. No doubt, fearing that he was about to strike at you again.

It was nothing short of heart-wrenching to watch as all his efforts to convince you he was more than the attack dog he was programmed as were crushed with one regrettable outburst. Unable to stop himself, Luther would fall on his knees at your side, pulling you into his arms, careful not to bring any further strain to your harmed body as he wept and apologized.

Simon

It's difficult for Simon to decide what to do here, and seeing the way you're too afraid to move as you look up at him isn't helping. However, considering there's no way you're planning to try and escape from him for the rest of the night, Simon would likely take off to be on his own for a little while.

Simon knows he's a strong guy. However, he knows he's not exactly the toughest around, and any injuries you suffered by his hands will likely need no more than a night to recover from. That's isolation is best for you both.

It wouldn't be until much later into the night when you think you're all alone in bed that you would feel him crawl up beside you. Only after a long time alone to think about his actions, would you get a proper apology. Even here, though, Simon wouldn't waste his breath and promising not to do this again.

North

Like many yanderes here, it's genuinely tough for North deal with what she's done or by extension to fully comprehend the pain she's caused. Because of that North will try to cover the feelings of guilt and shame with anger.

She'll say things like, "See what you've done! I warned you not to get in my way or to leave me and look at what you've done! How could you do this to us? You must really hate me, even after everything I've done for you!"

Make no mistake though these words of harshness of hers are nothing more than a front North is putting on. There is no one here she's more angry with then herself no matter what she might say. The one thing which would eventually break through to her though it would be the site of you curled up on the floor at her feet and pain.

Josh

He was angry at you before for trying to leave him like this but, once he fully realizes what he's done, there is no one Josh is more upset with that himself. Josh wanted to show you there was no reason to fear or hate him, but what did he do instead? Nothing but prove your fears to be true.

Despite the intensity of his own emotions at the moment, Josh wouldn't immediately rush to your side. He knows you're already afraid in the last thing Josh wants is to further scare you or stress you out.

All he wants to do right now is hold his beloved as he brushes away your tears and rocks you gently to calm you down enough to stop crying and to stop fighting his affections.

Kamski

Despite the situation, there's a chance Kamski might feel a touch of pride in reducing you to such a pitiful fearful, and helpless state. Kamski might fancy himself in intellectual over a fighter any day, but he loves to see your reactions of all kinds. No matter the emotion, he can't get enough.

Because of this, Elijah can't help but chuckle and taunt you here. "My love, you really ought to know better than to try and test me like this, have you really learned so little about me?"

He would leave it up to you to get up by yourself, heal up, and decide where to go from here. After all, if there's anything Kamski finds more interesting than how you react to stimulus, it's watching how you'll decide to counter this and grow. It's all so fascinating, and he can't wait to watch more from you in the future.

Chloe

To be completely honest, it's tough for Chloe to even understand how she managed to get in this position in the first place; however, but she knows this is all just a big mistake. Just some freak accident, and the sooner you can understand that as well the better.

Even though she wants to make sure you aren't hurt too badly, the shock of realizing she's why you're in so much pain has Chloe immobile with fear, and she's paralyzed with shock for a few moments.

Entirely beside herself, Chloe is all but bawling her eyes out at she's hugging you as tight as she can, exclaiming again and again how sorry she is. As well she begs you for forgiveness chillingly, also asking you never to make her have to do something like that again... Because she can and will at the end of the day do this if it means keeping you by her side forever.

Gavin

Despite his initial shock over the whole ordeal, Gavin may have a rough temperament. Still, he really didn't mean to do this and is just as surprised as you at the fallout. He would be sure to try and hide his alarm and would try to use his own anger to cover what he's done.

Completely out of his element here when it comes to assessing your injuries even though there's a chance you're concussed, he will drag you back to the house to check your injuries.

Even though he wouldn't say sorry to your face or anything like that, you can tell that deep down, he wishes it didn't have to be this way, and he might even try harder to be more careful in the future.

Zlatko

"You're going to have to be smarter than that if you want to escape me, my sweet." Yeah, don't tell me you thought Zlatko would feel sorry or apologize to you after what he's done. Unfortunately, that's not precisely Zlatko's style. He never used pet names with you and only would really break them out if he was trying to scare you or get under your skin. And now that you're lying helplessly At his feet, your mind can't help but race as you tremble thinking of all the possible ways this man could hurt you punish you for running.

In his mind, this is nothing short of a valuable learning opportunity for you, after all, what fun would you be to keep around if you are a dull, predictable pet. Zlatko has androids he can use, which were programmed to do that for him. What he wants from you is something more interesting.

Ralph

Since the shock of everything caused the wind to knock from your lungs and you to see stars for a moment, you're actually unable to move. In that time, Ralph's is horrified, wondering if he's actually accidentally killed you.

Ralph would never be able to forgive himself if this were to actually happen, so without missing a beat, he's hands and knees over you begging to wake up and answer him.

Eventually, when you do come to your senses, and you're afraid of him on a whole new level, unsure if you'll ever be able to predict his next mood swing.

Daniel

Oh boy, the unfortunate overwhelmed android. He thought things were going wrong when you tried to leave, but now that he's done this to you, things are looking all the bleaker for the two of you.

Before now, Daniel felt scared and full of awful impulses, but he knew he could count on you to help him calm down in times of anxiety and not do something stupid. But now that you were the one responsible for these feelings. How could he ever hope to keep his emotions under control? It was a lost battle, to say the least.

A part of him couldn't help but feel genuinely angry with you, though. After all, you knew better than anyone how Daniel had such awful memories of being replaced and abandoned. However, still, you did this to him.

Nines

A far cry from the more smothering types of yanderes Nines isn't afraid to show you who's really in charge here; however, just because he's hard on you doesn't mean he's doing this because he wants to see you suffer. Nines might say he's testing you like this as a way to make you stronger like he's helping you here.

Nines wasn't surprised to see he was physically strong enough to do something like this to you. What did alarm him is how he struck out and hurt you at all, considering how he usually has much better control over himself and isn't so prone to outbursts like this.

Nines realizes fairly quickly the notion of you walking out on him or by extension, ever losing you in general causes him great fear and weakness. Something he doesn't want you to see. Nines wouldn't apologize or express how he hates to see you in pain; instead, he would warn you not to test him again and to leave you alone for the rest of the night.

[mywrittingwonderland]

She comes first (Shawn x Sophia)

Soooooo, Sophia is Back!! A quick follow up to Shawn’s birthday series, should I make a part 2 of this?

P.S. Sorry for any mistakes, Its 2a.m. but my body does not want to sleep :(

Enjoy :)

Word Count: 3,524 Part 2  Part 3  - - - - - -

"Fuck you, Andrew! Why did you post that video before I talked with her?" He shouted, visibly stressed out. He got the phone and tried to call his girlfriend for the 3rd time.

"Shawn, you knew we would post the video. You should have talked with Sophia before. Don't put this one on me." Andrew said, making Shawn turn his eyes.

"Yeah, a heads up would be nice, you know?" Shawn answered. "Pick up, pick up…"

"Her team asked for us to synchronize with her new clip."

"Yeah, I got that. But I didn't know that before you know? Just please leave me alone? I need to find a way of talking to my girlfriend now." He asked, and Andrew left the room. He tried one more time without success. "Fuck!" He started to panic, thinking of how she was handling the awful video he didn't even want to record in the first place.

He lay down and looked up at the ceiling for a while, trying to think what he should do next. He was about to reach his computer and look for airplane tickets when he received her call back.

"Baby, please let me explain," Sophia made a confused face. She had just wake up, but of course, Shawn didn't think of the time difference.

"What's going on, Shawn?" She asked and yawned later. She could sleep a few more hours since she had gone to bed pretty late to talk with him.

"Were you sleeping, Phi?" He asked a little bit relieved she hadn't seen the video yet.

"Yes, it's very early here. Time difference, remember?" He nodded, forgetting she couldn't see him.

"Are your parents home?" He asked because he genuinely didn't want her alone. And he knew she would end up seeing it sooner or later

"No, they just come back next week from their trip," She said. "What's going on?" She asked one more time.

"We recorded a video some months ago, and Andrew posted it on my Instagram account a few hours ago." He explained.

"Okay? Do you want me to see it and give my opinion?" She asked, making him wanting to kill himself a little bit more.

"No! Please don't open that." She frowned but waited for him to explain himself. "I am buying tickets to go see you now, I will be there in 6 hours. Don't open before I am there, okay?"

"Shawn, just tell me, how bad is this?" She asked, knowing by now that it has something to do with the PR.

"Very bad, I swear I didn't want to record that. I am so sorry Sophi" He listened as she whispered.

"I am to FaceTime you, and we will see it together, okay?" She asked. "Shawn, you can't just fly to me every time something goes wrong. And you have a studio session today, remember?" She said, making him close his eyes for a second and let the tears fall down.

"Baby, please let me go. I can't do this with you." He said. Of course, she would propose for him to not go, because she understood that it would be all over soon. And she just spent a long time seeing photos of them she didn't think it would be that bad, but he knew this was way too much to just throw in her at a video.

"Are you crying?" She asked, hearing his voice muffled.

"Yes? Baby, don't see it. Please, I am so sorry," He said, desperate, trying to stop her.

"Shawn, we are good, it's okay." She said, trying to soothe him.

"It's not…" He said, making her change the call for a video call.

"Hey, look at me." He looked in her eyes on the screen of the phone. In other circumstances, he would have noticed how cute she was in her harry potter pajamas, and also how unintentionally he had his harry potter pajamas also on. And he would have teased her that they were such a couple goals, and finally, he would say that he shipped them. "We are fine, I don't want you to ruin your studio sessions by coming here. Because we both know that if you do, Camila will have to come, and you will have to pretend to do something here in London. And honestly, I don't want that." She said, making him nod, he knew she was thinking ahead of him. But still, he didn't want her alone with that because he would rather fuck everything up from the PR and go hug her through it, and remember her that she was the only one always.

"Baby, I am scared." He admitted. He was terrified, since the beginning. But he knew it wouldn't be fair to her for him to say that out loud. Because she was probably more scared than him. She was probably as scared as he was now in the entire process. When he realized that, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I am so sorry I am making you feel this way during this entire thing."

"Shawn, we have talked this one out before," She said. "And it is okay to be scared, I am too. But we are here together in this video call, okay? I promise I would never break up with you over a video call." She said, making him smile.

"That does not make things better, because what if you come here tomorrow and do it in person?" He asked.

"Shawnie, not happening." She said, and took a deep breath. "Can I open Instagram now?" She asked and noticed how he just closed his eyes and nodded without a word being said.

He bitted his lips when he heard the first sounds of the video over his phone, and he focused intensely on her face to catch all her reactions to it. The beginning had nothing, and he knew that. But he could sense that it would be weird to have a video of her and someone else about their feelings being hurt because someone said something about the way they kissed. And he knew that if it were the two of them, she would never agree in posting anything closer to that video with him. They would be mostly like Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart, even less them. Shawn noticed how she simply closed her eyes when the second part of the video began.

"Is it over?" She asked with a chuckle. And then she laughed. He looked at her, surprised by her reaction. "I am sorry… that's just so fake that I can't even be pissed about it. Even though I am at the same time." She said, making him chuckle nervously. She took a deep breath. "What the fuck where you thinking? I am like.. embarrassed? Sorry, but I am." She said, and he was relived in a sense.

"I didn't plan that, believe me. Never would." He said, and she nodded. "Are you gonna shout at me now or later?"

"I am not going to, I think your mom will do that later and also your sister. And your entire family." She pointed out, making him blush. "I mean, Shawn, this is not something you would ever do." She pointed out.

"I know it's embarrassing to see it. And honestly, if it were us, I would never do that with you," Shawn said.

"Okay, first of all, if you ever thought about even in your deepest imaginary to do this video with me, I would honestly call your mom and tell her you broke your head." She said, making him laugh. That was not the reaction he was expecting at all from her.  

"Are you okay?" He asked, not really sure of what to expect anymore. "Do you want me to catch that flight to hug you, I will go now." She took a deep breath, trying to organize her thoughts about the unbelievable video she had just seen. Honestly, if he hadn't called her crying about that, she would have thought someone hacked into his account. "Tell me, what are you thinking, please?" He asked, biting his lower lip.

"Okay, so I am not gonna say I am completely fine or happy with this because that would be lying," She said, and he nodded, waiting for her to finish. "It's just, I honestly am having a hard time understanding the purpose of this one." She said and sighed. "And please don't be mad, but are you sure you feel nothing about her?" She asked, her insecurities kicking in for a minute. She had to confess at least to herself that after thinking his account was hacked she would have realized that the video was not fake, and even if it was posted by a hacker he did record that, and she would probably have cried, but she would have hidden that from him when he called.

"Baby, I don't feel anything for anyone but you. I am sorry you had to see that, I am sorry this is on the internet. I am sorry I kissed her." He said, finally getting a little closer to what he expected.

"Okay." She picked up in her mouth this time, taking some deep breaths and looking back at him. He could tell she was sad, and it broke his heart. "Please don't do this again?"

"I pinky promise it won't happen ever again, never ever." He said. "I am sorry."

"I know you are. I just need some time to process, okay?"

"Okay, can I stay in the call with you? Or do you want to be alone for a while."

"You can stay," She said, finally letting go and letting some tears down her face. He noticed that, and his heart clenched so tightly that he forgot how to breathe for a second. "I am sorry I shouldn't be crying. I just had the worst day ever yesterday. And this, it is just so much like the nightmare I had last week. I…" She said, making him frown. She hadn't told him any of that before. "I am mad at the video, but this is the first time I can actually see you don't really like her, I know you told me that tons of times, it's just hard sometimes to put in my head. But this is so out of a fictitious movie that, wow. I don't even know." She tried to explain.

"First of all, you have every right to cry. And second, every other picture we have and video is fake, just like this one. And I felt as uncomfortable as I felt in this one every other time." He said, wishing he hadn't listened to her and had caught the plain. He knew he had fucked up badly, agreeing to that video.

"Shawn, I think I need some time." Sophia said after a while in silence.

"What… What do you mean? I thought that was what we were doing?" He asked his heartbeat, already picking up.

"Yeah, but I need some alone." She said. "I am not breaking up with you, I just need some time alone to put my emotions in the right direction again."

"Baby, I don't understand."

"I am gonna stay on my grandma's farm for a week," She said, the think about her grandma's farm was that it was like in another world. One without the internet. Shawn loved that place so much, but he always went with her since they moved in together. "It means I won't talk to you for a week. It's not really about the video is just… I…"

"What's going on, Phi?" He asked, concerned. He didn't know all that was happening in her life at that moment. Mostly because of him. She didn't want to add her problems to the plate when they already had so much going on.

"Between PRs and moving to Canada, and coming back, and writing my book. I think I lost myself at some point. And I can't find it back." Sophia tried to explain, a few more tears dropping in her face. "My anxiety is back, and I don't know how to deal with this. For some reason, I never felt so insecure about things that I am now. I just need some time, because right now I can't really see the purpose of me being a part of this world." She said honestly, she was struggling in multiple ways, and this entire PR thing was just crunching her anchoring system altogether, and even if for him she was pretending to be okay, she just wasn't for a while.

"Oh, Baby, why didn't you tell me this before?" He asked, dropping a few tears of his own.

"Didn't want to add it to your plate." She said, making him feel the worst person in the world.

"Sophia. It doesn't work like this. I know this is very fucked up and that we just need to do 2 more weeks of this mess. But I am catching an airplane now and going to see you. I promise you they will not extend this by any means." He pleaded with his eyes.

"Shawn, I need to be alone… I need time from you too." She said, making him nod and close his eyes. He knew she would at some point, and he couldn't blame her for that. He understood she also had a limit, and she was very close to it.

"When are you going?" He asked, deciding on not fighting for this one.

"Tomorrow morning," She said, and he nodded. They probably talked twice a day, so he would be lost without her calls for one week. But again, he was in no place to argue.

"Okay, I will miss you. I love you."

"I love you too," She said sniffing. "Bye"

"Wait, Princess, you are the best part of my world." He said, remembering her words, and wanting her to know that she was essential.

He looked at the phone and at their picture on the lock screen, and he just cried for some time, he was ruining the best thing he had, and over nothing.

"Andrew?" Shawn asked, confused as soon as he picked up the phone.

"Did you talk to her? Is everything okay? I am coming to your room now." Connor said, for some reason, in Andrew's phone. Before Shawn could answer, he heard the knock on the door.

"Hi"

"Hi, how was it?" Connor asked, noticing Shawn's red eyes.

"You are not gonna scream at me to make your best friend lost? I am sure you talked about it." Shawn asked, waiting for Connor to say hurtful things to him. And he would actually like for him to do that because he felt like he deserved that.

"In fact, we didn't, I tried, but she said she needed time to figure out on her own." That made Shawn feel even worse. If she was not talking to Connor either about her feelings, it meant she was not talking to anyone about it, she was all alone in that.

"She was not mad about the video, I mean she was mad, but she was also understandable. As she always is. I just think I haven't been understandable the way I should." He said, looking down.

"I think she needs you." Connor said, sitting on his bed beside him.

"I think she does too. But she just asked me to stay away for one week. I don't know what exactly should I do." Shawn said, even though inside him, he knew she was just shutting himself out to protect him.

"I think you know what you have to do, Shawn." Connor said, Calling Brian that was with Andrew and asking them to come into Shawn's room.

"Don't you think she will be mad if I show up? Like I would be breaking her trust when she asked to be alone?" Shawn asked, taking a deep breath in the end.

"I think she will at first, especially because you know how she is. She is going to think she fucked up everything, and if anything, she will be madder at herself for not taking everything a little bit longer, you know? She will also be mad because you didn't go to your studio sessions. But I am a little worried about what happens if you don't go." He said, and Shawn nodded because he was thinking the same.

"She told me her anxiety is back… did you know that?" He asked, and Connor shook is head.

"She hasn't been talking at all with me about her feelings or problems since this started. I really tried, but she always says she is fine, and she rather talks about Aurora and me." He explained.

"I really fucked up big this time."

"You did, but like I said, she really needs you. And you owe it to her to keep your head straight." Connor said, and Shawn nodded. He knew that.

Andrew entered the room after that, with Brian beside him. Shawn gave a quick look at Connor before saying what he did next.

"Andrew, I am calling off the PR." Andrew looked at him as he was pranking him, but quickly noticed he wasn't.

"What the fuck Shawn? You can't just do that, Camila's album, remember?" Andrew asked, trying to reason with him.

"Yes, I do remember. Can't we say we were in a friend with benefits relationship? I don't know. Andrew, I can't do this to her anymore." Shawn said, not really thinking about Camila's problems.

"For God's sake Shawn, of course, you can! Camila also agreed with this, remember? No one is forcing her." Andrew shouted, clearly frustrated with his entire marketing strategy going to the trash.

"I am not talking about Camila, I am talking about Sophia." Shawn explained.

"Unbelievable!" He said, clapping his hands and making Shawn turn his eyes. "She asked you to drop it? Really?" Andrew asked, shocked by Shawn's sudden lack of responsibility.

"She didn't ask me anything, I think we all know she would never do that. Because I come first for her, always."

"If she didn't ask who did?"

"I did. Like I said, I come first for her always. But I feel like I haven't been putting her first at all lately. I am actually making her life hell now. And she needs me now, and I can't do that anymore with her." Shawn said, not wanting to waste more time explaining his decisions.

"Shawn, let's talk about this before you just jump here, saying you won't do anything anymore."

"There is nothing to talk. I am not doing this anymore. I am going to spend the rest of the break-in London with my girlfriend in her grandmothers' house. No one will find me there, so don't worry about it. You will have time to release Camila's album. You can put some comments on Instagram and like her pictures. Limit the comments to mostly emojis, and don't say anything that could sound like we are really together. When I go back to the tour, I won't be doing anything for this shit anymore. Do you hear me?"

"Fucking hell Shawn, I can't believe you are doing this because your girlfriend is having some bullshit existential crisis now." Andrew shouted.

"Watch your tone when you speak about her. And to be clear, I want this, she never asked for me to do this." Shawn said. "Andrew, remember this every time you even think about PR again or any other contracts you have in mind, Sophia comes first."

"Shawn…"

"She comes first. End of discussion." Shawn walked to the door and held it opened.

"Okay, now you young men will have to listen to me. You can't just say PR is over and expect me to say nothing. Okay, you will not take any pictures together anymore, but are going to Asia and come back still dating her."

"Andrew…"

"No, Shawn, go see your precious girlfriend. I will take care of it, but I can't do miracles." He said before leaving.

"Fuck, why on earth can't I have control over my like again?!" Shawn shouted, punching the door closed.

"You know you did the right thing," Brian said.

"I know I did, just wish I had done it sooner before she…"

"I know, you fucked up. But you are a human being, and you are kinda dating the most comprehensive person ever, so she will not kill you or something like that." Brian said, trying to calm him down.

"I know that. I just need to understand what is going on with her. Because something is seriously wrong, and I can feel it inside me. And I don't like it."

"I am sure it will be okay." Connor said. "She will be fine, she just needs some time, and you," Connor added.

"Yes, I will go help her figure that out." Shawn said, going back to his phone and calling a private plane company as he wanted to avoid any kind of issue with Andrew.

- - - - - -

General Taglist: @arypesanchez @turtoix

[evien-stark]

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 80

Once the adrenaline faded, the last shock of the night- Rhodey walking up with a nervous President Ellis- was enough to spike what was left in your system. You practically collapsed in his arms as you hugged him tight. Glad to see him. Happy to know he’d been with Tony through most of this. And then that glow that had been consuming you from the start seemed to burst, and with it went most of your energy. 

Things became a little bit of a blur after that. You just remembered feeling hot. Too hot. Sweating profusely. Rooms shaking. A whisper of a cold breeze that left too soon. Too many voices speaking just above you. Hands touching you. Poking. Prodding. Lovingly caressing- 

Ah, that was always Tony. Even in your hazy state, you felt him. And more than once you heard him, not just speaking to you, but speaking to you. In that way only he could. You’re alright honey. You’re gonna be alright. I love you… 

His voice reassuring you, hypothetically holding your hand until the next time consciousness actually returned. The room was soothingly dark, not overly so. And you weren’t alone. Turning your head, the first thing you saw was an IV in your arm, steady drip- a spike of panic touched your awareness- because the last time you’d been hooked up to something like that-

“Hey, there she is.” A warmly familiar voice put your fears at bay, and you looked up to see Bruce, turning half away from a screen, tablet in hand. He slipped his glasses off his nose, putting them in his shirt pocket. “How are you feeling?” 

For a moment you had no idea how to answer that. “I’m okay… I think…” Sure, why not. You didn’t currently feel like you were in immediate danger- or pain, which was nice. “What are you doing?” 

“Checking your levels. Most of it is out of your system by now, I was just making sure things are on the straight and narrow.” Moving, he took a seat on the side of your bed. Lifting his hand, he placed the back of it gingerly on your forehead. 

You gave him a curious look. “As far as I know you aren’t that kind of doctor.” Smiling lightly at him.

He took the jab with relative ease, smiling right on back. “I’m not. But I can make do.” Patting your forehead once, he returned his attention back to his tablet, making a few scribbles on it with his pointer finger. “You’ve had a hell of a fever for the past couple of weeks… spiked more than once... but I think you’re out of the woods now.” 

“Weeks?” You felt your voice weakening at that. “But… I’m fixed now, right?”

“I told you.” Tony’s voice entered the room as the door opened. He came in, rolling up his sleeves, dressed in a handsome white button up shirt and black vest complimented with a purple tie. “That’s what I do.” Bruce moved to allow him to sit next to you on the bed, setting a hand on the back of your head and easing you closer to press a kiss to your forehead. “How are you feeling, honey? All good news, I’m sure.” 

You practically melted into him, eyes closing. “You look so nice… dressing up just for me?” Unintentionally avoiding his question. 

He sat back, hand sliding to cup your cheek in his palm. His grin was sure. “Not entirely. Somebody’s gotta do work around here.” 

“Usually that’s me.” Teasing right on back. 

“Yeah. Well, I guess I don’t mind, while you’re still under the weather. We have a new initiative going on.” 

Shifting, you rested your head against his shoulder. “Tell me about it…” 

His arm came around your shoulder, and you noticed Bruce slipping out of the room to give the both of you some privacy. Tony’s hand spread out as he labeled his proud moment, “It’s called Maimed by AIM- with a question mark.” 

A dissatisfied noise escaped you. “Maybe you should have waited for me to come to…” 

“Don’t like it? I thought it was catchy.” 

“Are there still people left? That Killian hurt?” Used. Abused. Maybe there were some out there… that hadn’t bought in to the Mandarin nonsense. Maya had been talking about that. Briefly, in the time that you knew her…

“Yeah…” His voice got quieter. “Seems Maya had a dead-man’s switch in the event of her death. All her research, all the information of their test subjects, the families… it all got transferred to the Stark Industries’ servers a week back. I thought I may as well try and clean up where I can. Now that I have the answer they were so desperately looking for.” 

“Maya is-” 

“Yeah.” The arm around you squeezed you tighter. “I watched Killian put a bullet through her. When she decided she’d seen enough.” 

Though it was small, the bloom of sorrow was impossible to miss. You moved your hand up over his chest, and snuggled closer. “I’m sorry, Tony.” 

“Couldn’t do anything about it.” His free hand rose, holding over yours. “Doesn’t matter now. All I can do is try to fix what she wanted me to fix.” 

“Did she have family?”

“I already made arrangements. Funeral was a few days ago. There was uh… a lot of red tape.” 

You felt like you were so far behind. “Did you go?”

“Not invited. As I’m sure you can imagine.” He didn’t allow a lot of time to marinate in this. Clearly wanting to move past it. He drew a quick breath in. “Anyway. Tell me. Honestly. How are you feeling?” 

“I don’t know…” Murmuring, as you closed your eyes. Almost like one of his machines, initiating a self check of some kind. How did you feel? “Tired, I guess. Groggy, but… I think everything’s okay.” It should be, right? If you’d spent two solid weeks in bed sweating out this stuff? 

“You’re really sure?” But him asking this again made you wonder. Were you okay? 

It occurred to you what he may have been getting at. Maybe he could fix regular people that had been injected with this stuff. But hadn’t Killian been going on and on and on about something… you dropped down into that space that should have been dark. Because that’s how you always remembered it. But now… it was still alight. Aglow. Orange sky above you. 

Instantly you knew. You were in one of the upper levels of Stark Tower. There were currently two thousand or so people in the building- and… so many… in New York City… for a moment almost a million voices rushed by your ears, causing you to sit away, put your hands over them, and force your eyes open. The calming low-light of your room found you again. “I’m not- ...I thought you said you-” No, no. This wasn’t his fault. You couldn’t blame him. He was standing again, when you looked at him, standing where Bruce had been at that screen by your bedside. “That stuff is still in me?” That had to be it, right? 

His hands were a flurry of motion, opening windows, typing things. “No- ...by all accounts you’re completely flush. ...there were- ...Maya’s notes, on you… pretty sensitive stuff. I can account for the physical reaction, for the most part. But…” 

But there was something about you that he just couldn’t fix. Because how could you fix a-... “You can’t fix the thing.” Eyes lowering. 

“That’s what’s wrong?” He took a seat by your side again. “Talk to me.” 

Did it matter? He couldn’t fix it. It was going to be like this forever now. But, when he put his hand over yours… you remembered you were not so alone. And keeping all of this bottled up, hadn’t that been what had gotten the two of you in trouble in the first place? “When I want to… I guess- like- super concentrate the thing- I go to this space. I don’t know how to describe it. But the floor is covered in water. And usually- usually I could only see one person. The person I was concentrating on. And it was dark in there. Just me. And them. And whatever they were feeling. But now… now it’s like it’s supercharged. I can see too many people. And it’s not dark anymore. It’s so bright.” Oddly finding some catharsis to letting yourself talk. 

So when he didn’t interrupt, you continued, laying your head on his shoulder. Closing your eyes, but not going. Basking in the darkness behind your lids. “When he put that stuff in me- Extremis- I think I really did burn up… and I tried to drop into that space to- I don’t know- make the guards help me or something- but it just all lit up. Like it was on fire, too. And now it’s still that way. And I’m sorry- this probably isn’t making any sense.” 

You felt him shrug. “Makes sense to you.” Then he drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Superpowers are not really my forte. Not those kinds. I wouldn’t even know where to begin- doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try- but…” But how on earth could he even begin to imagine cooking up a solution to a problem he couldn’t physically understand? Literally. So far beyond him. Something science couldn’t make sense of. Injecting a super serum into someone’s body? Great. He could work with that. 

Talking about warping emotions and some dark-bright space where somebody’s- … essence? - wandered around? Yeah. He had no idea what to do with that. And you couldn’t fault him for it. So, you decided, “I’ll be okay.” And when you heard the murmur of discouragement from him, you cut him off, shifting to just look at him. “Really, Tony. I’ll figure it out. It’s not life threatening- that I know of- don’t make that face at me-” Because he was giving you one hell of a dry look. “I just have to get used to it, I guess.” You didn’t always even have that space. Coulson helped you unlock it. Maybe you should talk to him about it… 

“I have to take your word on this one. But. If it gets better or worse. Both. Either. Neither. I wanna know about it.” Because he wanted to keep track. Check up on you. Make sure you were doing okay. And after having communication shut down for so long… what a relief that thought was. 

Leaning in again, you rested your forehead against his, and lifted your hand to his chest. Although his current clothes were killing the light from the Arc Reactor, you felt its faint shape underneath. “No surgery yet?” 

“Like I was gonna go have- let’s be honest- pretty intense open heart surgery while you were laid up. Please. I have more courtesy than that.” His smile was wry. “One of us needs to be full capacity at a time to take care of the other.” Duh. 

At this, and the teasing after thought, you couldn’t help a little giggle. But it died down, and you found yourself just looking at him. “When, then?” 

“Whenever I’m ready. Doctor I met at- wouldn’t you know it- that same science convention in Switzerland. Seems like everybody I met that one night is suddenly important. You believe in coincidences?” Among the massive amount of sarcasm, there was a flutter of sorrow here. And you waited for him to continue. “Friend of Yinsen’s, actually. Took a few days to put a name to that blurry face.” Quieter still, “And realized I’d even met him that night.” He sniffed a breath in, moving past it. “Luckily for me, turns out he called the house. Before it blew up.” 

While just about every part of you wanted to ask what that was about- you didn’t want to give him too much opportunity to slip away. The fact was, they’d connected. And apparently now whenever he decided the time was right… “Are you ready?” Asking him as gently as possible, hand reaching up to touch over the side of his face. 

“Tech’s there. I developed a high powered energy magnetizer that’ll assist with the removal and keep the shrapnel at bay while the Arc’s not in my chest and I’m under.” But he was nervous and scared. Because that’s how a reasonable person would feel. If the surgeon didn’t perform right, or he missed a one or a zero somewhere, or … or anything-

“It’s okay if you’re not ready, Tony. It’s not now or never. This can wait.” Trying to just let him know that you understood. You very much understood his fear. 

“I’m done waiting.” It surprised you, how strong he said this, paired with the determined look in his eyes. His hand rose up, holding yours over his cheek. “I’m ready to move on.” 

So this this, you could only step beside him, and follow him wherever this led. “Okay. So we’ll move on.” Together. “What’s the recovery time look like?” 

Finally he smiled again. “I think, all things considered, I should be fine to take you on a date for Valentine’s.” 

“You’re thinking about that now?” He was such a goof sometimes. But that did pose an interesting question. “What day is it even?” How long did they say you were out again? 

His arms came around you then, with an appropriately tight squeeze. “January seventh. Honey, I’m sorry to say, the new year came and went without you. I promise I did very little partying to start 2013 off.” 

Your arms wrapped around his middle, burying your face in the crook of his neck. “What a change for you.” 

“Which is why I’m looking forward to Valentine’s.” 

“We’ll see.” 

                                                    --------

Things happened almost too fast after that. The rest of the night you drifted in the comfortable presence of Tony, who had settled on the bed with you, although his fingers seemed to never stop moving atop his laptop keyboard. The next morning, as he confirmed appointment after appointment, you worried he was speeding along this process for fear if he put a stop to it in any way now, he may never do it. 

It was hard to know what to make of that. But that very next afternoon you were shaking hands with Dr. Wu and his assistant Jiayi. Fine people, really. You didn’t get any terrible feelings from either of them. Which was important, for sure, but… 

This done waiting attitude may have been more harmful than helpful. But if he wanted to go then what choice did you have but to follow him? So, the appointment was made. And it was a done deal. You put your current energies into make sure he was comfortable, that his room was secure, air tight, and private. And that none of this leaked to the press. This was not meant for them. Not yet. If ever. 

Rhodey met up with you that evening, and you spent perhaps too long a time giving him a squeezing hug. And also apologizing for practically- probably- scaring the living daylights out of him the last time the two of you were together. And while the room was being prepped for surgery- same as Tony- you and Rhodey stood outside, gazing in the observation window. You weren’t exactly sure you were strong enough for this, to watch this- but… 

“He’s ready to go, huh?” Rhodey crossed his arms. 

You gave a weak shrug, as they wheeled him in and started wiring him up to machines. “He said he didn’t want to wait any longer.” 

“I’ll say. Twenty seconds after you return to the land of the living- no offense-” Holding a hand up briefly to you before recrossing his arms, “-he’s going under. Was this something you two talked about before?” 

He was probing. Looking for something. It put an unease in your heart. “You worried?” 

“When am I not? Who knows with him. He acts out when he’s stressed. I just wanna make sure a life changing surgery isn’t gonna be a major regret.” As always, heart in the right place. 

You lowered your eyes as they brought in the anesthesia. “We talked about it. Very briefly. He made consultation appointments for himself. But it all kinda got put on the backburner.” 

“Yeah. I get it. Seems like we’re forefront now, though.” 

In the room, Tony gave you a thumbs up, and you put your hands to the glass in the shape of a heart. Perhaps a little too cliche, considering what was about to happen. But you were sure you saw the corners of his lips lift up around the mask. You felt Rhodey put his arm around you, and only realized then you were shivering. “We’re gonna be okay.” Even your voice was wobbly. 

There just wasn’t enough time to process this. Rhodey pulled you closer to him. “We’ll be okay.” 

The surgery took a grueling five and a half hours. Dr. Wu was probably the best- and only- person for the job. He was careful. Meticulous. Each piece of shrapnel extracted took a long time, as you were sure he was making sure he did everything precisely. Some of it was hard to watch. Like the beginning. And somewhere in the middle you were glad there were just too many doctors in the room standing on the side of his table blocking your view. 

Rhodey took to pacing, but never left. Which was good. It was very nice to have a shoulder to literally lean on every now and again. But where you thought five and a half hours was the longest amount of time you’d ever spent doing anything in your life, it then seemed all too short as Dr. Wu starting sewing him up. It was over? Just like that? Just like that. 

Just like that. You were almost left in a state of shock as they wheeled him out of the room. Rhodey had to shake you a little. “You okay?” 

“He’s lived with that shit in his chest for almost five years- I think-” Time was a little beyond you at the moment. “And now it’s just- gone. Done. Finished. Over.” 

“And this is… a good thing, right?” He had his arms half crossed, one hand sitting just over his mouth as he watched you. “Are we on the same page here?” 

“I just… can’t believe it. It’s hard to believe. You understand, right?” Turning away from the window, the now empty room, looking back at him. 

You found relief when he nodded. “Yeah. I get it. I think we’ll all have to work on believing it together.” 

His hand reached out to take hold of yours, leading you finally out of that wing and upstairs into the room where Tony was getting situated. Still out cold. Probably would be for a while. And, in fact, was. So long a time that eventually Rhodey gave you a pat on the shoulder and told you he needed to head out. That was fine. He had other things to do. You understood. 

So you waited. And tried not to look at the bandages peeking out beyond the neck of the hospital gown he was wearing. Though you did. More than once. Dr. Wu came in eventually to debrief you. You took everything to heart. All his instructions. The details. The important things. And then… he got a hug, too. Even though he didn’t seem like he enjoyed it that much. But that was okay. 

It was when he left, and that you sat down again, that you saw Tony groggily opening his eyes. Leaning over, you brushed some of the stray bangs away from his forehead. “Hey, handsome…” 

His smile was one of relief. “Hey yourself…” Voice a low murmur. “Still here?” 

Laying your hand over his on the bed, “You’re still with us. Everything went perfect.” 

Closing his eyes, he huffed out a noise. “I meant you… if you’ve got other things to do…” 

“Nothing more important than you.” 

“Can’t argue with you there.” It was easy to tell how foggy he was. Not up to his normal speed. Which you imagined must have been frustrating for him. Because in the next breath, “When we gettin’ outta here?” 

“Give yourself a little while, Tony. You just had serious surgery. And, by the way, even when we go home, you’re not allowed to like- even put your arms above your head for the next four-to-six weeks.” Already starting in with the list of important things to know from the doctor. 

He scoffed. “Back in that cave I was building a suit almost immediately after-” 

“Well I don’t care about what went on in strange caves after forced surgery and while you were under duress. Here and now you’re taking it easy. Got it?” Laying down the law. And that was that.

He stared at you, eyes a little glassy, half-lidded. And then a beautiful loopy grin appeared on his face as his eyes closed all the way again. “Yes, ma’am… your way or the highway…” He sounded like he was drifting, as he let his head fall to the side. You sat forward to brush his hair back again and he murmured out a soft pleased noise. His hand turned over, taking hold of yours. “Thanks… for staying…” 

Leaning in, you pressed a delicate lingering kiss to his temple. “Just relax, Tony. Rest. I’m here. I’ve got you.” 

“Got you first.” Through his daze, he got this out pretty quick. 

You smiled, nuzzling that spot at his temple. “We can debate about it later.” 

“I love you.” He was on his way out. I love you, too. 

                                                    ----

You really did make sure to law down the law and make sure he took his time with recover. When he was ready to go home- ...well… not home, which was already a pain, but the Avengers Tower would do, as the penthouse basically acted as your second home- now primary- but, when he was ready, you made sure to take him yourself. Loaded him into the car yourself. Drove him yourself. Took him upstairs yourself- and put him to bed, yourself. 

There was a lot of that, in the coming weeks. But you didn’t mind. It was easy work. Making sure he rested, and when he was back on his feet, making sure he didn’t do anything crazy. “I’ll do all the heavy lifting. Literally, lifting of heavy things.” Unable to help getting in a few sassy snarks here and there. He seemed to appreciate them, anyway. 

In true Tony fashion, he was unable to sit still. And even doing normal things was taking a toll on him. It eventually led to the both of you heading down to the labs. But you made sure to be his hands and arms, and found some strange pleasure as he guided you through building what were essentially non-essential things. Not that he didn’t trust you, you were sure. But probably just getting the tizzy out of his brain by going from one easy thing to the next to the next to the next… 

As February rolled in, he really did seem to be doing much better. And the few check-ins from Dr. Wu suggested he was making excellent progress. And as the second week dawned, you caught Tony more than once giving you thoughtful glances, that eventually turned into, “So. Valentine’s?” 

An offer you were having trouble refusing. Even if you made a show of being slightly off put by the idea, a small sigh escaping you. Aside taking him, there of course was always work to do. “You really have something in mind?” 

“I do. So I’d appreciate it if you could just take one night off. I don’t think I’m asking too much, really.” Playing at being offended as much as you were playing unsure. He came around your desk as you were humming in long mock thought, putting his arms around your shoulders from behind. “You’re gonna make me beg? I’m not above begging. Just say the word.” 

A playful roll of your eyes came next as you gave in. “Oh… alright. Valentine’s. What should I wear?” 

He pressed a kiss to your cheek and, immediately after gaining your approval, seemed to be on his way out. Like he’d completed his mission and risked blowing it by staying any longer. “Something classy. I’m gonna take you out.” 

“Hey- before you go- we have to go back to the… site in Malibu- and collect whatever’s left-” A task you’d been trying to keep him on track for for a little while now. Now that he could handle it. 

But he just waved you off. “We’ll talk about it after.” 

One more thing to put away for now. Couldn’t have everything. 

But a night out? Suddenly seemed like a thing you weren’t sure how you lived without. Something classy really wasn’t saying much. But knowing Tony’s inclinations… you decided on a slinky black dress, which somehow matched his all white suit. It was a good look on him, you had to admit. Really, though, you wondered what had gotten into him. 

The entire night he looked at you like you were the only person on planet earth that mattered, and for one reason or another, it flustered you. He was just emanating love from every pore. So much that you may have been drowning in it. He took you to a fancy restaurant for dinner. And then an even fancier and more exclusive one for dessert. But it wasn’t the food or the locations that were important. 

It was him. And the two of you. And it hardly mattered that paparazzi were being quarantined by Stark security on the opposite side of the street everywhere you two went, or that people around you were looking around and trying to sneak pictures… you understood, really, why he was looking at you the way he had been. It wasn’t because you really were the only person in the universe. 

But to him you were the most important one. For sure. And on a night like tonight, you’d never questioned it less. Maybe near death experiences did that to a person. Maybe he felt more alive than ever. It was hard to say. 

After dessert he strangely took you back to the Tower, and led you hand in hand for a slow dance on the desk, as fireworks bloomed in the night sky behind you. Just as you laid your head on his shoulder, he spoke up. “I uh… at the risk of being overly cheesy, I got you something. I think that’s standard protocol, right. Gift on Valentine’s day.” 

You couldn’t hide your smile if you tried. “I didn’t get you anything.” 

“You’re enough.” Smiling as the two of you gazed at one another. But he seemed a little anxious. “Anyway- here- uh-” Reaching into his suit jacket pocket, he pulled out a long, thin black velvet box. “Turn around.” 

“Jewelry on Valentine’s day. You are going for cheesy.” Teasing him only in the most harmless way possible. Obeying his request after that. You heard the lid creak open, and the tinkly sounds of a chain and some other metal… your eyes closed briefly, lulled by a warm thrum that appeared while his fingers brushed the sides of your neck as he laid the necklace over your skin. Once you heard the clasp close, you reached up to touch your hands over it- feeling a heart pendant, small but no doubt encrusted with something expensive. But on the sides- 

...all along the sides of the chain, there were these… soft yet edged pieces of… something. Something. And almost immediately, for one reason or another, you knew what they were. “Tony-”

His voice was warm in your ear, “Our future started here.” 

As if you needed more confirmation. Half turning to cast quite a look at him- “Tony these are-” 

“Technically speaking- pieces of my heart- yes-” 

“Pieces of shrapnel from a bomb that almost killed you-”

He held a hand up, palming the side of your face. “Now, honey, you can’t say I never gave you anything nice. Or personal.” 

Sitting pretty around your neck were pieces of metal that had been literally sitting in his heart for years- and that had been extracted only five or so weeks ago in a surgery meant to heal him. And now… now he was gifting them to you. Like a sentimental piece of art. How were you supposed to handle that…? 

Evidently, with a crack of a smile, and a reach of your arms up to wrap them loosely around his neck, drawing him closer. “I love it. And you. You’re so weird and dramatic sometimes. You know that?” 

His head craned back, not lulled in, arching a brow. “How is that dramatic?” And at this you mirrored the look he was giving you. The mutual eye brow raising went on for maybe ten seconds more before laughter bubbled up from him, and his hands came to settle on your hips, bringing you in as close as he could get you. “Oh- I’m very sorry- Ms. Our Future Started Here. What was that about glass houses and stones again?” 

Giggles were all too soon leaking out of you. Maybe you two deserved each other. It was right. He was right. Laying your head on his shoulder, as the two of you swayed, “At least I can say I own a Tony Stark original.” 

“I mean. You own a Tony Stark. But if the jewelry thing is what really does it for you…” 

“I own the Tony Stark, thank you.” Only one. Only one man in the world like him. Only one man in the universe that was him. And you were forever grateful. 

His arms lifted, and you felt a slice of worry, but it dissolved as he wound them around your shoulders as yours dropped to wind around his middle, laying his head atop yours. Having no trouble at all. Your eyes closed. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too. Thank you… for the necklace. For tonight. ...for everything.” Was this an appropriate time to start spilling all that out? You were sure he knew, but… it never hurt. 

“If we’re about to start throwing out gratitudes, you’re gonna be out here all night listening to me go on.” Serving it right back to you. “Let’s just keep it simple, shall we?” 

“Mn.” Agreeing in a murmur. “We shall.” 

So, instead, in the way only he and you could, 

I love you. You let him know again. And in a space that contrasted the night you were sharing, bright as you went to him, and sort of just… laid your head on his shoulder there, too. Close as two people could be, you imagined. In whatever that was. You put your hand over his heart, and heard him inhale just somewhere over you. 

His voice returned to you, full, flush, and warm. I love you, too. 

For a brief moment the two of you not only existed together, but all together too fleeting, you seemed to share a space. And his heartbeat fell in line with yours. 

A night had never been so perfect.