#it's hard to stay focused on 4 hours of sleep

[serejae]

IF BY CHANCE ? | BND

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p2

WHAT ? - BND AS EXES WHO WANT YOU BACK (bnd realizing they messed up after you end things)

WHEN ? - (warning) this is not a REAL display of the members im just doing this for weeping entertainment:) attempt to unconsented kissing in jaehyuns, drinking in sungho’s, mentions of throw up/throwing up in leehans, major angst ��

WHO ? - (a/n) i love angst but not like death but yearning and groveling, pls tell me yall relate. lowk went hard on jaehyun and leehans from personal experience 🤔🤔

uncapitalization intended and not proofread

theres a theory that you will always meet the same person twice

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P.SUNGHO ; he was too focused on his career.

! - you knew and understood thst sungho’s job was very important to him but it started to feel like you werent his partner anymore. you started to feel like decoration in your guys apartment that he would just ignore when he got home.

! - to try and help your relationship you made him dinner, cleaned up the place, asked him about his day to which he blew up. his cold demeanor suddenly dropped as he yelled at you about constantly bothering him when he just wanted to sleep. you knew your intentions and knew you didnt want to bother but help sungho. you then realize you werent valued in this relationship and were pulling the whole weight by yourself, so you ended things.

! - it took him about 4 days to realize that he messed up. those 4 days his mind was constantly fogged up about work, after those 4 days he walked into the house and how he realized was when he alerted you (or tried to) that he was home with a “honey im home”, only to be met with silence. a bit confused not realizing his brain hadnt catched up yet, he walked into your twos room, or use to be. only to be met with the mess he left for himself in the morning. there is when he realized you weren’t there anymore. to shake his mind off of it, he decided to eat before doing anything ,he went to the kitchen to heat up some frozen dinner. as the meal heated he realized the house was so empty, cold, and quiet. the only sound was coming from the spinning microwave.

! - it’s safe to say the soulless house took a toll on him. everyday he dreaded going home, which is funny cause he couldve said the same thing before he realized how important you were. his friends who were tired of seeing him so lifeless decided to invite him to go to the bar to hang out…he wasnt much fun there either. that was until he caught a glimpse of you from the reflection of his empty shot glass. his eyes light up and he turns around to make eye contact with you. .

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L.RIWOO ; trust issues.

! - you understood where riwoo was coming from, you knew that trust issues are normal , but it got to a point where his trust issues started to make you question him.

! - and it didnt help that each time you did try to reassure him that it somehow made it worse. “ri, of course im going to stay late, my boss asked me too. you have my location, i send you photos of me working, what else do you want?” maybe your approach wasnt the best but the way he snapped was when you knew no matter how much you tried to protect both you and his peace, he will try to tear it down again. “oh, so now your getting defensive. i shouldve known, especially from you.” he said it with no remorse or thought behind it. and to him he thought he was winning this argument but in reality he was going to make the biggest loss of his life.

! - it took him 5 hours to realize he messed up. when you left and packed your things he thought you’d run back and it’ll make him feel better about himself. but after 4 hours it was already 3 am and he realized maybe…you wouldnt come back as soon as he thought. but that last hour before he realized he messed up, he had a dream of you and him. you two were living that exact moment, before you left. you standing pacing back and forth as he sat on the couch. except this time, he talks to you about why he thinks the way he thinks and vows to do better. in that dream he sleeps with you in his arms. when he woke up he stared at the ceiling, and it was like it was talking to him. thats when he realized you werent coming back. you wont be in his arms again, you wont tell him about your day, and you wont constantly tired of arguing with him because of his doubts.

! - after trapping himself in his house and thoughts he decided to go on a walk, but to his suprise once he opens the door you stand there staring at him with a box of his things in your hands. his mouth goes dry

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M. JAEHYUN ; girl bestfriend

! - you were the never the type of partner to care too much about the opposite gender best friends as you were very secure in your relationship, but in this case it wasnt him but rather her. you knew from the moment she laid her eyes on you she was no good. but you decided to give her the benefit of the doubt as this was jaehyuns childhood bestfriend, and if you didnt like her you could at least pretend for your boyfriends sake.

! - you were always calm and reserved around jaehyun and his bestfriend even on those dsys you wanted to push her off him. but today it was like a flip switched. you walked home soaked from the rain after not being to reach your boyfriend to pick you up. you get it he’s busy, but your blood boiled when you saw both of them sitting on the couch peacefully. she looked up at you and grinned as jaehyun ran up to you worried. “jaehyun lets talk in our room please” you simply asked. he followed you to you and his shared room with a towel drying you off as you spoke. “i really hate to do this to you but its either me or her.” he paused his movements of drying your hair “you know i cant do that. ive known her for so long do you not trust me?” he said defensive. “i dont trust her” you said blandly, he stared at you and started lecturing you on how his bestfriend gave you no reason to not trust her. you didnt argue back, you were too tired for it you just said “she likes you jaehyun”. he paused and continued lecturing you about how thats ridiculous. you shake your head and pack your things “clearly i know your answer.” he continues on and on on how youre being ridiculous. once you leave the door he puts his hand in his face.

! - it took him like 5 minutes to realize he messed up (bye.) his friend came into your room and sat down by him as he listened to him rant. “you know…” she said slowly “y/n’s not wrong” his ears perked up at that “ive always liked you jaehyun, your just too silly to realize.” he freezes at her words, feeling his blood run cold he feels her fingers on his chin and her leaning in. he backs up and kicks her out despite her protest. once he locked the door and is left in the empty haunting house alone he scrambles for his phone. after finding it he opens it to all your messages asking if he can pick you up. it made him nauseous at the thought he left you alone and cold for his ‘friend’ that was the cause of your breakup. he calls you to which you dont answer, he starts panicking at this point and paces in the house as he mass text and call you just wanting a answer. he pauses in front of him at the only room he hasnt stepped room in since pacing. your bedroom. he walks in and lays down only to be reminded of your scent when he lifts the blankets over his head. thats when he starts crying and realized you weren’t there to hold him like you normally did

! - he didnt have his safe space anymore.

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H. TAESAN ; distant

! - you hated to admit it but one of the things that drew you into taesan was the thing that made you end things. his cold demeanor was what made everyone so curious about him, fortunately or unfortunately you were the one he picked to be into his very small circle to which you became his partner. during this you learned he loved his alone time which you were fine with, what threw you off was the way he signaled to you he wanted to be alone. he would ignore you in public and not reply to your messages as if you didnt know each other. you were okay with it at first since you loved your strange boyfriend but after a while you grew tired of it. tired of breaking down his walls and when you finally feel accepted by him only to be shut out again

! - and clearly it was a mistake bringing it up to him because it lead him to being the loudest you ever heard him, arguing back and forth. “i dont get why you just have to pretend you don’t know me. im fine with you needing your alone space but why do you have to act like you hate me?”

“im starting to if thats how your gonna react to me needing my time every so often.”

you couldnt argue anymore, especially when he just admitted he was close to hating you for communicating your feelings. the room went quiet, taesan looks over his shoulder to see you staring at the ground before walking off. after that day you didnt text first or initiate anything to see if he would, unfortunately to you. he didnt.

! - it took him about a month to realize he messed up (sorry taesan lovers:c). but dont get me wrong, its not like he went on with his life like normal. everyday it felt like he was missing something but he could never put his finger on this feeling so he just dismissed it. until one day by instinct he sat at your twos spot alone and your guys song started to play in his headphones. he was never one to communicate his feelings too well but that didnt mean he didnt care for you. he would dedicate songs to you and one just fit perfectly with you two. when the song played he looked around and realized where he was with what song was playing only to see something is missing

you.

and thats when it hit him, he didnt get his usual messages, his hugs, or his sneaky looks from you. he was alone, but wasnt this what he wanted?

he wanted to be alone right?

he loved it.

right?

he then realized

he loves you more then he loved being alone.

was it worth it to lose one thing you love more to prioritize the other?

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K.LEEHAN ; too friendly

! - from the beginning you knew dating leehan came with a price. everyone wanted him. some more bold than others that would go up to him and ask him out even when he had a partner. his reaction to these admirers was a stranger then how a boyfriend would react to girls hitting on him. he’d entertain the girls in front for you just to see your reaction. you knew he loved seeing you jealous which was cute at first but after a while it got old. it started to make you doubt whether he really loved you or not. if the girls would compliment leehan he’d start asking for details, “oh yeah? how much do you like me?” “my arms are pretty strong arent they?” or he’d start teasing “calm down my partners infront of me, maybe later” to which the girls, including him would laugh as he looked over to see your fuming face.

! - but this one time, you couldnt take it anymore. if this is what dating someone admired upon was like, you wanted no part. it was like normal. girls would swarm around you and leehan and start flirting, but his one comment ticked you off. “yeah of course we can hangout, im sure my partner wont mind” he winked, he looks over at you expecting to see your puffy angry face but is met with you leaving the table. he follows behind you calling for you. when he finally catches up to you thats when you spew everything youve been feeling. “i can understand if your admired i get it your handsome! but your taken and you should know that, no normal boyfriend flirts back with girls who flirt with him. i have to deal with this closing feeling in my throat and chest all because you want a little enjoyment for your day and im done.” he looked at you confused with a hint of being offended. “youre overreacting yn.” he said before being cut off with you walking away.

! - he realized he messed up 6 days later. its not like he didnt care, but he was in his state of mind that youll run back like any of his fangirls would. during those days he continued to flirt back with them now that his flock was much bigger now that he was single. but this time he flirted back much less enthusiastic as he would before, because he had no reason to, no reaction, no partner to coddle after. he now felt sick with the thought of flirting with anyone to start dating if it wasnt you. he got up from the table to which he recieved a bunch of whines and pleads to stay. he just needed fresh air. he continued walking around campus until he heard a familiar laugh. he turned his head over and seen you with another person, laughing and getting all close like you and him use too. now staring from afar he understood what you meant. he felt his chest and throat closing at the thought sight of you reliving what you and him would do with someone that wasnt him. and his words replay in his mind

“you’re overreacting yn”

“your overreacting”

“overreacting”

in fact you were not overreacting but he knew he had no right to be jealous, when his urge for you to be jealous tore you two apart.

he was on the verge of spilling his guts and you looked happy. not angry, and thats what you deserved

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K. WOONHAK ; always mad at you

! - woonhak has always been very open about his anger issues and you knew that. he was just a teen living his first life and you acknowledged that. on certain days he would hold grudges against you and not tell you why he was angry, leaving you alone to figure out and trace back to see what you had done. and it was always something small like giving him only 2 hugs instead of 3 for morning, afternoon, and night. and forbid you try to get him to communicate why he is mad at you. he’ll turn into a big angry ball yelling at every reason he should be mad

! - this one day you were so tired from school. you just wanted to walk home with your boyfriend and hopefully cuddle at home. but he wasnt waiting for you outside your class, instead you already saw him walking out of the school. catching up to him you say hi and start asking him about his day to which you recieve a mean face ignoring you. deciding to avoid that you talked about your day to which he paid no attention to. thats when you snapped “hey im talking to you!” no reply “why do you always do this, you just get mad at me and expect me to read your mind!” he turned over to you and yelled back “i dont know why you can never just think, is it that hard to realize what you did?” “no i cant read your mind woonhak!”. he just turned away and started to walk “woonhak if you keep walking were over!” he paused, to which you hoped he’d come to his senses but he kept walking

! - he realized he messed up 1 days after. day 1, he completely forgot about the night before as it was so normal for him to go back to not being mad at you when he felt like it. when you didnt walk to school with him he decided that was his reasoning for being mad you today. and when you didnt run up to him or walk up to him after school to walk together he started to be a bit confused. here is when youd start to cave but as he walked home he retraced his memory with each step and remembered what you had said when he was being petty.

‘ “woonhak if you keep walking were over!” ‘

he just kept walking, and now you werent his to walk anymore.

-

“is it so wrong of me to hope she breaks your heart, is it so wrong for me to pray she tears you apart?”

[1-800-local-slut]

Word of Advice...

Spencer Reid x Black! Fem! Pregnant! BAU! Reader

Spencer Reid Masterlist <3

Spencer and his fiancée are having a baby, and everyone has some advice for them.

I based this on JJ's pregnancy in season 4. This is basically the three times someone gave Spencer some advice about being a dad and his fiancé some advice, I cried writing this because of hormones y'all

Warnings: pregnancy, brief mention of sex, mention of a daddy kink, nothing really, fluff, twins

Request are also open if anyone wants to send anything!

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"You know, no matter how much you research it won't help when you have to actually hold the baby."

Spencer's head jerked up from his computer, no longer fidgeting with his nails and glanced over to Derek. Tabs upon tabs of information distracted him for the past hour. 'What to do as a first time dad', 'When to Start Expecting Cravings', 'How to Prevent Diaper Rash', 'Baby-proofing 101' and more.

The office buzzed softly behind him, other agents bustling around. It was a cool morning, nice and bright but had all the cold spring air Spencer had grown to love with the early call time of his job. Hotch was up in his office, Rossi was currently in the bathroom attempting to battle some sort of meal his stomach didn't agree with, Emily called in sick, JJ had a doctors appointment and wouldn't be in until later and Penelope was busying herself with some random task.

"Sorry, what?" Derek chuckled, his eyes ran over the mess on Spencer's desk. All of his case files, the parenting books he'd bought, the cups of coffee littering the area. How was this guy gonna keep his house clean with a kid running around in it?

"Morgan is right, even though he should be focused on his work. A word of advice, its good to get into the habit of picking up as you go along. Helps in the long run, you know." Hotch appeared from nowhere, in typical Hotch fashion with words of wisdom.

It was true. Spencer Reid, at the age of 27, got his girlfriend fiancée (he was still getting used to the title) pregnant. He got her pregnant, and then all the initial joy and imaginary world where everything would be perfect everything came slightly faded for him. He suddenly remembered him and his fiancée work a hard job with hard hours and an even harder toll on the mind. But he'd been trying not to focus on that, instead just trying to stay on the constant upside.

"Well yeah. I guess coffee cups all over the place aren't gonna be helpful in trying to keep the place tidy." Spencer chuckled, tapping one of the coffee cups on his desk with a random pen.

"I’ll say. You know your girl isn’t down with the nonsense, you better keep that house spick and span if you want to keep your ass clear of a beating. And if she's gonna be the one stressing with child care it'll be safer is you just stay clean and out the way.” Derek lamented. Hotch chuckled and Spencer glanced down at his hand while he grinned.

While he wouldn’t normally wear his engagement ring to work, they weren’t in the field today (hopefully) and he may have forgotten to taken it off this morning when they decided to stay in bed for an extra 45 minutes to sleep soundly. So what was the harm in wearing it? It was a little bit of his home life he would let seep into his daily life.

"Isn't it a little bit too early for you to be looking at all of this anyways? I mean I guess it's technically never too early but she's only what a month a long?" Derek asked, settling himself to sit on the corner of Spencer's desk.

Derek pushed an empty chip bag out the way, as he had settled on the one clear part of the desk. Spencer instinctively grabbed the bag and tossed it into the small trash bin he kept under his desk.

"It's never too early! I figured the better I prepare, the better I'll be able to help out when I'm home. I want to take as much paternity leave as I can, I want to be helpful when I'm home with her." He really should be attempting to clean. A stack of papers straightened, coffee cups gathered into one hand and tossed into the bin two at a time.

"Word of advice..." Hotch grimaced, as he tapped a coffee cup that sloshed and Spence had to grab to keep it from spilling all over his desk. "If you keep your desk as clean as you intend to keep your house, she'll be sending you back to work faster than you can imagine." With a ghost of a smile, Derek chuckled and ruffled Spencer's hair. Hotch smirked, seeing Spencer's mouth hanging open, and the two decided to take their leave to go back to doing the jobs they get paid so much for.

It was true, Spencer is usually a very clean guy but sometimes things get a bit messy. And usually, his fiancée wouldn't mind as long as it wasn't too outrageous but pretty soon those pregnancy hormones would come in full force. A shiver went down his spine as he imagined facing her anger at him leaving piles of books and coffee mugs all over the living room with a chubby baby sat on her hip. Picking up the last few coffee cups, Spencer straightened up his desk once more and finally tried to focus on work.

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"Morning JJ, you want some coffee?" Of course, I was joking. The joke was that JJ (who had recently returned from her maternity leave) was pleased that she could drink coffee again. If anyone bounced right back from pregnancy it was Jennifer Jareau. She looked flawless, glowing even more after her pregnancy. I can only pray to have that same miraculous recovery.

I couldn't drink coffee, the smell making me sick now. Of course I already couldn't have it, you know growing a baby, but it was far easier to resist the temptation.

A job like this has you running on caffeine, quitting cold turkey was like stopping cigarettes over night. Now I settled for some decaf tea, like peppermint or lemon and ginger.

"So, how's things going for the first term?" JJ chuckled, as I placed my spoon down on the counter and blew on the tea. This morning was some hot apple cider with cinnamon and I had a nice everything bagel on the side with some cream cheese spread over it.

"Well I've had too pee every sixty seconds, my tits are expanding with every second, and everything I eat makes me gain forty pounds thanks to bloating. So, great." The happy mood I had this morning was gone. I got to work and suddenly I wanted to put my fist through the steering wheel. And for some reason, Spencer's aftershave was making me want to cry. He just smelt so good, and he looked so good driving us to work, and lately he's just so handsome. Maybe it's knowing that we were about to have a bundle of joy?

"Mood swings getting you, huh?" JJ chuckled, turning around and heading to her desk as I followed behind.

"I'm ready to stop coming in now, I don't know how you were here up until you gave birth. You literally went into labor, I'm ready to go home now. Right now." I scoffed, and grumbled in irritation. I was even ready to stop wearing heels to work.

It felt like at any moment, I would just explode. That extra 45 minutes of sleep helped very, very little.

"Well, a word of advice, positive self talk is so helpful. I don't know why but when I was pregnant everything Will did drove me up a wall, I'm talking I wanted to take down his side of the bed only." JJ chuckled as we approached our desks. I slid into my seat, chuckling. JJ threw down her jacket, a push present from Will, and stretched.

Across the bull pen, Derek and Penelope walked past giggling about something. The two of them thick as thieves like always. The Sun had fully risen, and the world was wide awake. Cars honked outside, the team was wondering around on the floor and of course with no reason to be in the field today it was time to hunker down.

Sit down, do some paper work, the whole 9-5. I couldn't focus on the 9-5 though, hormones driving me to run into my fiancé's arms. To smell him, to hug him and remind him just how much I love him by showering him with hugs and kisses.

"How would you even take down his half?" I laughed as a blew on the cider and opening the file on my desk.

"I was looking at chainsaw's on Amazon, I had a plan I just needed to do it." JJ shrugged, opening her own case file and looking up at me through her lashes.

"Listen, my point is, you just have to try to talk to yourself. You're mind is vulnerable right now to all sorts of crazy emotions. You might suddenly hate everything about Spencer. You can randomly wake up and decide you hate him, you hate yourself, you hate the way your house looks, and that you should just take your baby and run away but you have to remember to keep yourself grounded in reality." With a soft sigh and took a sip of my tea, glancing over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't about to hear what I was about to say.

"I'm having the opposite issue with Spencer. I want to like, live in his skin." Was I ashamed to admit it? No. Was it slightly embarrassing to say it out loud? Yes.

"Oh! Okay! I mean, if that makes you happy!" It would make me very happy. Happier than this bagel was presently making me.

"No but I mean it. The mood swings will get worse as your first trimester goes on, you have no idea. Just try talking to yourself as often as possible, journal. Take care of yourself."

"Okay okay, I will. Thanks JJ, you're the best." With a shared smile, it was finally time to get some work done. Or just finish my bagel. Yeah, I'm just gonna finish my bagel.

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"No, mom you need to stay in the house. Yes, she's home with you, you will be fine. I saw my fiancée this morning, I don't miss her that badly in the two hours I've been outside. I'm at Target mom. Okay. Love you, bye mom."

Finally off the phone, Spencer slid his phone back into his back pocket. Diana was there for a visit, something she begged Spencer enough that she wore down his negotiating skills. So she got out of the ward for a fun few days.

And yes, Spencer did love the time he got to spend with his mom. He was more than happy to have her. But preparing for a baby, his fiancée either soul crushingly sad or horny or showing him things for their baby because in four months she'd be forcing it out of her body, and keeping your mom on her meds and your fiancée on her prenatal meds...sometimes a man needed to go to Target.

Sometimes a man needed to make breakfast, intentionally finish the milk and eggs, and suddenly have other errands that needed to be run outside.

Pushing through the aisles of Target, they all blended together. Everything just seemed crazy now. His fiancée was pregnant. She was pregnant, and their baby was coming in four months. She was nesting now, according to JJ.

When they found out she was pregnant she remained logical. She mapped out each important date, each doctors appointment, and left major shopping for a bit later. Spencer was the one buying mountains of books, crying over the minuscule things. Now though, she was crying over the little things, waking up with insane cravings (his favorite one to be woken up at 2:47 in the morning over? Buffalo sauce. Not like, buffalo wings. Buffalo sauce by itself but it needed to be hot and in a bowl and when Spencer protested she looked ready to rip him in two), and each day was filled with 'Spencer look at this, Spencer we need this, Spencer we HAVE to have this for our baby or we're shitty parents, Spencer, Spencer, Spencer.'

He was in heaven.

His wife couldn't get enough of him, literally sniffing him like he was a big ass pile of coke, his mom was over, it was almost time for their gender reveal (which Emily and Rossi somehow ended up in charge of planning but whatever), and he would be a literal daddy. Not in the sense that she called him but in the actual way.

Without even realizing it, he was in the baby section. His feet basically dragged him there. There was a little onesie, which would be the perfect size for his baby, a pair of baby booties randomly placed near by. But the couple made a promise to themselves, they wouldn't buy anything without each other unless they literally had to have it for their baby. Like the really cute onesie that Spencer found with a little 'R' on the front. 'R' for Reid. Soon they'd be Mr. and Mrs. Reid. Their baby's last name would be Reid.

His fingers ran over the soft cotton fabric of a pink onesie, that had the cutest little flowers stitched on the toes. He pictured it for a moment, a little chunky light skinned baby with curly hair and dark eyes. Brown eyes and chubby cheeks for his/her mommy and daddy to bombard with kisses.

With soft little fingers and little toes. With big eyes filled with innocence that was Spencer's job to guard, that he already knew he'd lay his life down to protect in a heart beat. A baby with a tiny heart beat that he'd be honored to hold. His baby. Their baby together that they made together.

Spencer didn't know when he started moving again, or when he weaved through the groups of people making their way around Target, but he was now on his way to the front and suddenly stopped in front of the cribs.

A large wooden crib with pretty little birds carved into the side. A mobile hung over the soft insides. There were some pillows inside and a mattress inside that looked nice and soft. On the left of it, a white crib, nothing on it but it looked nice and sturdy. And he knew they could probably find some nice designs to put all over the sides.

"First time?" A deep, scratchy voice pulled Spencer from his thoughts. It was an older man maybe 15-20 years older, with his wife standing close to him. Their cart was filled with toys and an abundance of blue. Blue onesies, blue bottles, blue pacifiers, blue toys, blue bibs, blue blankets, blue teething rings. If it was blue, it was in the cart. Clearly not their first time.

"Yeah. I mean, yes, my fiancée. She's pregnant." The smile and blush of happiness that came whenever Spencer told anyone came back. Heat filled his face with joy. Not nerves or anything just pure joy. He wished she was there with him. He wished she was with him looking at the cribs and holding his hand while they looked around. The couple chuckled at how pink he got before the wife began to speak.

"Word of advice, crib shopping without her is a good way to start a war. If he went crib shopping without me for out first I would've murdered him." People say such crazy shit when they don't know you're in law enforcement. Spencer knew she was kidding and couldn't care less but sometimes he wondered how different everyone around him would act if they knew he was FBI.

At work, when he walked onto a scene wearing that jacket with the letters big yellows letters on the back people steered just a bit more clear of him. I mean the FBI is literally the FBI. If he was a normal ass cop he'd be a bit intimidated as well.

"Don't worry, I'm sure she'd do the same thing. I'm just looking right now though. I don't want to do any part of this without her." Spencer would never be this open with strangers but some strange part of him, maybe the part that wished he had grandparents, had him telling this couple with kind eyes. And he of all people knew not to judge a book by its cover. Sometimes it was the nicest looking people who committed the most vile crimes.

"Oh, sometimes you'll have too. Of course, you would never make that choice but take it from 40 years of marriage and 38 years of parenting: sometimes you have to make the calls on your own. It doesn't seem likely now, but as a father you may have to make the best call for your child if your partner is unable to make any sort of choice." Huh.

He never thought about that. Well he should've. He's seen marriages torn apart (usually by the most stressful situation possible, your child being kidnapped or murdered or something) because of one parents choice. Usually it being glancing away for one second. But what if his kid needs something while she's out cold? Maybe she's fast asleep and his kid wants to go outside or something. God forbid it's something far more serious, Spencer would have to make a choice.

Maybe. Who knows. But it was true. Sometimes, Spencer would need to make a choice on his own. And although they promised to make any and all big choices together smaller things would require an adults attention.

The realization was too clear on his face because the man chuckled.

"I'm Clive and this is Judy, it was lovely to meet you young man." He extended a hand, and Spencer took it, returning the firm handshake.

"Spencer. It was nice to meet you too. Thank you for the advice."

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Music was one of the most emotional things in the world. It connected people, spoke to people, saved people. Right now it was destroying me. Right now, I could only hear my heart beat and the Billy Joel song that was wearing me down. The song had me in tears.

I was sitting at our bay window, Diana was watching Judge Judy and sitting calmly after she took her medication this morning with her breakfast. I had a blanket thrown over my legs, a pillow behind my back and my headphones strapped over my ears. She was softly breathing, clutching a pillow to her chest and fidgeting with the soft fringes around the edges of the pillow. From here, she looked a bit like Spencer, eyes focused on the screen with her head tilted slightly to the side. How much would our baby look my me? Or Spencer? Or even Diana, maybe his father or my parents? Anything was possible.

The soft rain pitter-pattered on the window and it just added to my mood. Was I sad? Was I happy? Bitter-sweet was the right word. How would I feel as our child grew before my very eyes? As I watched my baby get bigger with each passing moment? Before eventually they stood on their own two feet and walked completely on their own? I whimpered, an ache in my chest. Each day would be a beautiful reminder of what was to come.

I tried my hardest to keep it down, lest I bother my baby's grandmother. Oh god, grandmother. Diana would be a grandmother. The dam broke all over again and I buried my face in the sheet that was thrown over my knees

"A word of advice," I perked up when Diana's voice added to the mix of music, muffled sobbing and Judge Judy screaming at some random lady.

"When I was pregnant with Spencer, I was all over the place. I kept it to myself, I felt alone. I felt that because I was off my medication my feelings weren't normal but they completely are. Keeping my feelings inside, that turned into stress. Then resentment. For myself, for my husband and sadly for Spencer. Try talking to Spencer about your issues instead of letting them fester."

She read me like a book, what the fuck. Okay I hadn't been the most inconspicuous with my crying BUT dang I wasn't expecting that. I was actually planning to go into the bathroom because I didn't intend to disturb her. Something about being and FBI agent meant emotional constipation. Therefore, I didn't want to talk about my feelings on a deep level, and I did not want a whole thing to be made of it.

But Diana didn't look at me. She didn't turn around and look at me with pity or understanding, she didn't stand up and attempt to hug me, she didn't try questioning me on what was wrong. She just said it. She said it, blue eyes trained onto the TV as a commercial for mesothelioma played. I did my best to wipe tears from my eyes, and from down my face. Perhaps it was time to do away with the music. But in a way, I didn't want this feeling to end. I wanted to feeling to stay. The bitter-sweet feeling washing over me like a blanket. My heart hurt in the best possible way.

"Thank you Diana. I'm not upset, just...feeling things." With a chuckle as I wiped my eyes rubbed my no doubt puffy eyes.

"Well. As long as you're feeling something." Her eyes glued to the TV screen as Judge Judy came back on.

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"Hi everyone, thank you for coming. I just wanted to say thank you for coming to our lovely couples baby shower, Lord knows we all expected to be here sooner." Derek chuckled, raising his ginger ale to us, as we sat perched on the couch next to Rossi's pool. Chuckles and laughter went up all around us, Spencer laughed into his Pepsi. His smile lines crinkled under his sun glasses. God, he just looked kissed by the Sun. God (if there was one) took his time. He took his sweet ass time sculpting each little crease, crinkle, each hair on his head. And it truly paid off.

"Now, if the parents will just come to the front, we'll have them figure out the gender." Finally, Jesus. I loved Derek. I do! But my God could the man talk. And talk. Then talk some more. Maybe it was just the heat bothering me.

It was a sunny day, not too hot though just hot enough to annoy me. People in pink and blue bathing wandered around, Hotch was lounging in his blue swim trunks, Jack standing next to his dad and asking him a stream of questions (he was in that stage) had a the funniest amount of hot pink I've ever seen a child have on.

The wind gave a gentle breeze that offered slight reprieve from the heat as JJ and Will sipped virgin pina coladas from fun sippy cups in their matching pink swim suits. Henry was left with the rest of the kids in the play area with the baby sitters (the same company I planned on using for our wedding) and he arrived in a precious little pink ensemble with pink little sunglasses and sun hat.

And Penny, who could ever forget the darling Penny, who was coming back from the bathroom, with pink hair dye and basically everything else on her body. Even pink eyeshadow. I felt put to shame, thinking my all pink get up was a lot. Spencer had on a blue buttoned up shirt only for the sake of possible opposing sides.

Emily and Rossi (the only people who knew the gender) both wore black swim suits as they sat at the bar. Both giving us no clues at all to the babies gender. Honestly, this entire thing was a bit too big for a regular baby shower.

But we weren't setting any forest fires. Just spending a lot of money on our first child. And with the money we make, of course our children would be pampered each step of the way. No expense needed to be spared. And Spencer, easy going as it is, allowed me to handle the planning for our baby shower (as much as Emily and David allowed me) along with planning our wedding.

The bar, custom drink menu I created, the baby sitting company for all of our friends to bring their kids (honestly this is a small practice run for our wedding), catering company, the pool toys, the kiddie pool Rossi let us set up, and the goodie bags. And Spencer showed up, looking perfect as usual.

Rising to his feet, Spencer gave me a hand and pulled me up from my seat. We waddled (I waddled, Spencer pushed through the small crowd) through the waves of folks who came to see us today (or just came for free food) and eventually climbed to the front.

Looking out at the sea of faces, I almost cried again. I felt Emily place a palm on my shoulder and I wiped my tears before they could fall down. She handed Spencer and I both ice picks, Rossi directing the videographer and the photographer (a personal gift from him). Two black balloons, held in place by David and Emily.

Two black balloons that held out entire future. Two black balloons meant more to me than I thought was humanly possible. My heart beat pounded, as Derek said something about a countdown. The crowd began counting down from ten, as if a countdown was enough for the most important moment of my life, my hands getting sweatier by the moment. Spencer gripped my hand and I glanced over.

Ten...

And I realized then Spencer was terrified as I was.

Nine...

But we were terrified together.

Eight...

And we'd feel everything together from the moment this baby came

Seven...

No matter what happened, no matter how many faces we saw before us right now, it was Spencer and me, and our baby. And maybe one day, more of our babies.

Six...

My soon to be husband, and my child. My eyes welled up again, and Derek made a joke about mom crying early. I'd have to curse him later for being so funny. Our little family was no longer just him, I, Diana and my parents, who were in matching blue outfits watching in anticipation.

Five...

My tears and heart beat combined sounded like the ocean thrumming in my ears and Spencer chuckled nervously and stared down at his flip flops.

Four...

Almost...

Three...

Almost right at my future, the rest of my life.

Two...

Jesus just get to one!

One...

I nearly froze from fear but pushed the ice pick into the balloon, and a sprinkle of pink fell over me. I screamed, my heart soared and I jumped onto Spencer with joy and people clapped an cheered. My mom screamed, literally sobbing as she fell to her knees.

A girl. A girl, to love, and care for, and teach. I wouldn't have cared, either way I wasn't worried but I had always wanted a baby. To have a girl. To love a daughter was truly a gift.

Spencer stood stalk still, like he was a statue and he a terrified grin crossed his face. I saw Rossi nod as Derek chuckled. There was a man holding up a sign, right in front of us with a giant '2' written in pink. Right in front of Spencer, no matter he saw it first.

"Uh oh, Dad's looking a bit- oh my god, oh my god!" And Spencer was flying backwards into Hotch and Rossi.

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"Oh, you can see him start to look a bit pale right there." Penelope narrated to his mother, who they were showing the video too on face time. Spencer was now sitting up right on the living room couch and sipping a ginger ale with trembling hands.

Spencer Reid was having twins. Could his life get any better? What did he ever do to deserve this much happiness? His head hurt just a bit, mainly from when he slipped off the couch after being set down and cracking his head on the floor but this was really happening. It was real.

Suddenly he felt a familiar presence. There she was holding two of his children inside of her and staring up at him with the most gorgeous eyes. She was gorgeous, even more so with the knowledge he had now, and he didn't even know it was possible.

He couldn't help himself, the tears filling his eyes as his mother and Penelope suddenly ended the call and she excused herself gracefully (the internet in the home was shitty, so she'd probably be calling back within the hour) and now he felt tears rushing down his face. She smiled at him, so softly that he couldn't even speak.

"I love you." She whispered as she drew her face closer to his and pressed a kiss onto his forehead.

"I love you too. And I love them." The words whispered, just for the two of them.

Well. The four of them.

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The end! I cried a lot during this for no reason lol. I literally bawled my eyes out, I'm suffering from massive baby fever. Anyways, I hope you all like this one <3

[endo-bunny]

Sit Down Now and Rest

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Description: You had anxiety and depression, and Tony and Bruce were more than happy with getting you anxiety meds the moment that you asked. When you stop taking your meds, your mental health plummets and spirals as well as your physical health, and everyone notices. Don't worry though, they're there for you.

Pairing: (Platonic) Avengers x Teen!Reader

Type: Fluff, Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Warnings: Depression, anxiety, sickness, fainting, dizziness, taking meds(both medicated and just vitamins/iron supplements), dehydration, insomnia, depressive and hurtful thoughts, reader doesn't talk very much in this, nicknames(Kiddo, Kid, Hun)

Word Count: 1,627

Note: I may or may not have written this with too much of myself being present… But it's fine! I also wrote this at like 2 in the morning so it's kinda rough but I just needed to get this typed out so here ya go! Also, the characters might be kinda ooc because I haven't watched any marvel movies in a little while but I've been hyper focused on fics with them lately so yea. And I am working on my tlou and tech fics, it's just hard to find the motivation to write them, but don't worry, I'm working on em.

-~-~-~-~-~-~

You were quick to notice that you stopped taking your meds. You knew that they helped you, but you couldn't get yourself to start the habit of taking them again. You wanted to, most definitely, but you couldn't. Every day was the same. Wake up, look at your meds, contemplate taking them, saying you'll take them later, go train, eat, and then not take them.

You also stopped taking them at night too. You had even set alarms so that you'd remember to take them, but it didn't help at all. Natasha was the first to notice that something was up, being the closest one with you. When she realized that something wasn't quite right, she made sure to keep a close eye on you. She was quick to pick up how dizzy you looked when you'd get up, sometimes not even being able to stay standing before you crumbled back onto the couch. You'd always play it off as if you just lost your footing but she and everyone else knew that that wasn't the case.

One morning you had gotten up much later than you had recently been getting up. When you checked the time, it was around two in the afternoon. You got up and went to the kitchen, feeling extremely hungry after forgetting, and also just not wanting dinner the night prior. When you arrived in the kitchen, Tony was there. He had kind of taken up the father role in your life.

The moment he saw that you had finally arose, he was quick to make a snarky comment in good fun, “Ah! The beast has finally awoken from their slumber, now off they go to find their beauty.”

You only roll your eyes, ignoring him. You felt exhausted, even though you got close to ten hours of sleep seeing as you fell asleep around 4 in the morning. You couldn't find anything easy to fix or that looked appetizing in the fridge or pantry so you just opted for a bottle of water that you would only take a sip or two of then leave with your other five almost full water bottles on your nightstand.

Before you could go back to the confines of your room, Tony had to ask you a question, “ Hey kiddo, did you take your meds?”

The question caught you off guard, not expecting him to ask seeing as he hasn't asked in a real long time.

“Oh yea! I, um, took them earlier but fell back asleep. Yea, that's what I did!”

You try to make it seem like you weren't lying through your teeth, but weren't very successful because of how exhausted you were. However, before Tony could confront you, you book it to your room. You hide there for the rest of the day, not coming out for Dinner. Steve had come by to tell you that dinner was ready but you told him that you weren't very hungry as you just kept your

on the book that you had your nose in. You kept your light on all night, not feeling tired.

The next morning, Nat knocked on your door around eight, coming to get you so that you could train with her. When she opened your door, she saw you laying on your back staring up at the ceiling. You looked exhausted and had dark circles under your eyes. When Bat opened the door, you flung up in surprise. You hadn't heard her knocking so you weren't expecting for the door to randomly open. You couldn't tell who it was at first because your vision went fuzzy black as your body tried to accommodate the sudden movement that you caused. Nat waited for you to acknowledge her.

When you did after a couple seconds, you looked over at the time, confused. It had just been two the last time you looked at the clock. How could it be eight all of the sudden? You were brought out of your thoughts by Natasha trying to talk to you. You zoned back in, giving her a questioning look.

“I said, are you ok? You look exhausted Hun. I came by to get ya to come train but it looks like you need to rest for a couple days.”

“Oh! No, I'm fine. Just give me a couple minutes to get ready and I'll be down and we can get to work in no time!”

She gave you a skeptical look but nodded, closing your door behind her.

When you got down to the training room, Bucky and Steve were there with Natasha. They smiled upon seeing you walk in. However, Bucky and Steve's bright smiles dropped upon looking at your figure. You were slouched, tired eyes not fully open and your eye bags were extremely dark.

Bucky was the first to point it out, “Hey Kid, you ok? You aren't looking too good.”

You only shrugged, your body aching and your throat feeling scratchy and sore for some reason.

As you're sparring with Natasha, you continuously have to stop the match because you go into coughing fits. As finish with your last coughing fit you go back to Natasha, but she's packing her stuff up.

“Wait, where are you going?” You're voice comes rather harsh and rude as you ask the red head.

“I think you should rest for the rest of the day Hun. I'll come check on you in a little while. But go take your meds and also some cough syrup and eat something.”

You didn't say anything as you grabbed your stuff and walked back to your room. This was stupid. It was just a little cold. You can still fight. You need to train. Deep down though you knew you needed to listen to her and do as she said. In the end, you don't. You go back to your room, take a sip or two of water, get a small snack and then sit down in the living room with a book.

You try to read it, but you can't stay focused for long enough to. Your mind is spiraling and racing. You kept replaying how training went. You were so pathetic. And rude. How could you be so rude? Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You slam the book down onto the sofa, huffing.

You hadn't noticed that some of the others had joined you in the living room. They look up at you, surprised. They weren't used to seeing you like this. You tried to get up quickly, wanting to get away from this embarrassing situation.

The moment you get up, the world goes black, buzzing and ringing is the only thing you can hear as you collapse. You feel something picking you up and setting you down on the couch. You blink your eyes a couple times, slowly feeling sensation being restored in your body. You look around you and see that Bruce is coming over with a damp cloth and water. Nat has your head resting in her lap and Tony has your hand in his. They all look worried as they stare down at you. You hear gasped as Steve and Bucky walk in.

Questions are being thrown at you, too fast for you to comprehend. You instinctively put your hands on your ears, feeling overwhelmed. They all quiet down upon seeing this. Tony is the one to ask the questions from then on.

“Hey, it's ok. We're sorry, didn't mean to overwhelm ya like that. Can ya sit up?”

You nodded, feeling embarrassed now. Tony nodded and Nat helped you sit up, allowing you to lean against her.

“Ok, drink some water, you're ok,” Tony hands you the water that Bruce had brought over as Bruce is wiping your face with the cold damp cloth.

“Ya feeling better?”

“Ya, I'm fine.”

“Have you been taking your meds, kid?”Tony doesn't hold back, knowing what it looks like when you don't take the meds that have been helping you produce what your body needs.

You sheepishly look down at your hands that are fidgeting in your lap. You inhale sharply before shaking your head no.

They all sigh, Natasha being the one to talk this time, “Why haven't you been taking your meds, Hun?”

“I-I just don't want to… I don't like the feeling.”

They looked at each other, wondering what to say. As they look at each other, you go to stand up, but they make sure that you don't get up.

“Sit down now and rest,” Bucky's voice comes from behind you, his hands still on your shoulders.

“I'm sorry…” Your voice comes out in a whisper.

“You're forgiven kiddo, but ya gotta start taking your meds again.” Steve comes over and sits on the other side of you as he speaks.

“I know.”

“How bout I take my medication with ya? God knows that I haven't been taking it as much as I should be,” Tony chuckles as he tries to negotiate with you.

You didn't know if it would actually help you but you were open to the idea.

“Good, drink some more water. Now what do you want to watch? Hm? TV's all yours,” Tony stood up, giving you the TV remote as everyone decided to sit down on the couch.

You picked your comfort movie as you snuggled up with Steve and Nat. Tony had gotten you some actual food, and by the time the movie was over, you had drank all the water, ate all the food, fell asleep, and almost everyone else had fallen asleep as well. You felt safe with the people that cared about you all around you. You knew that this would be a journey, but you also knew that you weren't alone.

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Tag list: @fakegingerrights @macchiato-dreaming22 @silnebula

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Someone New 4

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Warnings: this fic will include angst, pining, romcom tropes, and some darker elements later in the series. Some triggers may not be specifically tagged. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This fic will contain explicit content. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You’ve had a crush on your best friend for years, but you’re slapped in the face with reality when he takes things to the next level with his girlfriend.

Characters: Steve Rogers, Thor

Note: I got like insanely sick suddenly and I still feel off.

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me.

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Please do not just put ‘more’. I will block you.

I love you all immensely. Take care. 💖

“Sam, that paradise punch was a bad idea,” you groan as you struggle to get your bag out of the trunk of the taxi. 

“Whatever,” Sam slurs as he comes around, “I tipped the driver extra. Bud, you think you can get this out for the lady?” 

The driver is all to helpful as he comes around you take the handle from you and swiftly plants the bag on its wheels. It’s everything you have that isn’t bundled up into storage or sacrificed to the dumpster. You thank the man and swallow a belch. 

“Have a safe trip, miss,” the driver nods and turns to slap Sam’s arm, “and you, sir.” 

Sam salutes the man and pushes away from the cab, your carry-on slung from his shoulder. The two of you clumsily lift the bag over the curb. You look up at the airport as the roar of jet engines cuts through the dusky air. 

“I feel like I’m drunker,” Sam snickers. 

“Uh huh, me too,” you murmur. Two hours on his couch was barely enough. If anything, it’s just set your vision askew. “They’re not gonna let me board if – hiccup—I'm blasted.” 

“Don’t worry, we can get water,” he blathers and yanks your bag onto its wheels, “off to the land of vikings! Skol!” 

“Skol?” You follow him in a clamour. 

“It’s what they say, isn’t it?” He chuckles, “I saw it on a show or whatever.” 

“I... yeah, usually while they drink, not stumbling drunk,” you rebuff. 

“Sound pretty sober to me with all that whining,” he rebukes. 

“Whatever,” you roll your eyes and follow him through the automatic doors. 

He veers off and you follow him in confusion, glancing back at the check-in counter. He stops before a bright vending machine and feels around in his pocket. He taps his card and focuses intently on pressing the button. 

“Waterrrrr,” he drones and leans on the machine to reach through the slot. 

He hands it over and you unscrew the cap. You chug half the bottle and let out an obnoxious belch. You cover your mouth in embarrassment and offer him the rest. He finishes it off and you linger by the machine as you let the cool flow settle in. 

“Feel any better?” He asks. 

“A little. I’ll have a coffee on the plane.” 

“Nah, you should sleep.” 

“Maybe,” you take out your phone and tap the side button. Nothing. 

“Anything from Mr. Carter?” Sam asks. 

“No,” you black the screen and shrug. “Come on, I gotta check my bag.” 

“You should check that boy,” he blathers as he stands straight and once more yanks the bag after you, “tell him what’s what.” 

“Sam, he’s busy--” 

“He’s your best friend! At least, he likes to say so then do nothing.” 

“Quit,” you beg him, “this is hard enough.” 

“This is what you need--” 

“I know!” You throw your hands up and face him as you come up before the counter. “I know. Okay. I’m stupid and---” you shake your head and let the truth sink back into the depths of your soul. You face the clerk and sigh, “I’m sorry, I’m here to check my bag.” 

You pull out your wallet and slide your passport across the counter. You show your boarding pass and pay for the extra weight. Your bid a safe journey and carry on with only the smaller bag still on Sam’s shoulder. 

Wordlessly, you sit in a row of seats. You look up at the clock. You’ll have to go to the boarding area sooner than later. He won’t be able to come with you. 

“Sam, I’m sorry. I just... is it that obvious?” You croak. 

He puts his hand on your back and rubs it gently. It’s soothing. The tension trickles down your sides and seeps out. It feels good to admit it aloud yet mortifying just the same. 

“No, I just sense these things. I know Steve, I know you, and I know he doesn’t deserve you. Even as just friends.” 

“Ugh,” you put your head in your hands, “I am so stupid.” 

“No, you’re not. You’re human. It stinks. Our brains, our hearts, they aren’t logical, as much as we like to pretend,” he huffs, “trust me. We’ve all been there and if we haven’t, we’ll get our turn.” 

“Yeah, I guess,” you sit up as your eyes glisten, “I just... he said he’d be here. I thought I’d at least get that--” 

Your name echoes through the airy space and you wince. Right on cue, just before you can collapse completely. You turn as Steve rushes toward you. He wears jeans and grey sweatshirt. He remembered! 

You stand as Sam sighs. You smile, only halfway before you see the figure trailing behind him. Peggy looks less than excited to be there. Her sleepy lashes flutter as her wave hair is pinned back in a messy chignon, still elegant despite the carelessness. She wears a dark green trench over a silver satin nightie. She must’ve rushed out with him. 

“Hey,” Steve nears, “sorry I couldn’t make it for drinks, but I couldn’t miss take-off.” 

“Mmm, they don’t have any afternoon flights,” Peggy mutters. 

“They do but landing doesn’t line up with the train,” you shrug and glance at her briefly. Her glare darts back at you. You wonder if that work dinner was so impromptu after all. 

“Are you excited?” Steve drops into the seat next to you. 

“Uh, yeah, nervous,” you smile as the weight lightens from your chest. He came. Maybe Sam is wrong. Maybe friends isn’t that bad. 

“It’s going to be great. You have to send me updates, oh, and I’ll be sure to send you all the wedding news!” He grins, “I still can’t believe you’re going to be so far away.” 

“It’s a good opportunity,” Peggy intones as she sits on his other side, resting her hand on his forearm, “in her line of work, I’m sure they don’t come often.” 

You press your lips tight and look down, “yeah, not really.” 

“She can get out. Make new friends. Some girl friends, maybe,” Peggy remarks. 

“I’m sure she’ll make all the friends,” Sam interjects, “I hear there isn’t much sunlight over there, she’ll be a breath of fresh air for those grumpy vikings.” 

“Mm, yes,” Peggy grumbles as she trails her hand down to Steve’s. “Too bad you won’t make the engagement party.” 

“Or the wedding,” Steve adds. 

“Well, we’ve a full wedding party as it is,” she shrugs. “There’ll be lots of pictures.” 

“Right, yeah, I’m sorry to miss it all,” you frown. “I...” you sit back and nearly choke, “I’m gonna hit the bathroom.” 

You stand as Sam puffs out heavily and to your surprise, Peggy swiftly gets to her feet, suddenly very awake. Your soberness is setting in along with a pulsing headache. You really don’t want to deal with her. If you knew he’d bring her, you’d have told Steve to stay home. 

“I’ll come with you. I’m splitting at the seams,” she trills. 

“Alright,” you agree with a tint of uncertainty. 

She twirls and you walk parallel to her towards the bathroom signs. You chalk it up to the feminine habit. It isn’t unusual to visit the toilets in pairs, even without much kinship between you. It does however spoil your attempt at respite. You less so want to empty your bladder than clear your mind. 

You don’t say a word as you enter the bathroom. You go into a stall and she does the same. Your mind clogs your biology and you have to sit and focus before you can get a flow going. By the time you’re trickling into the bowl, she’s done. A toilet flushes and you hear her unlatch the door and approach the sinks. 

She’s in heels, even at this hour. The sink sprays out water and you listen to her hum as she washes her hands. You finish up and flush, coming out meekly to use the sink next to her. You focus on the simple task as she watches you in the mirror. 

Sensing her gaze, you look up and pull your hands out from under the censor-activated faucet. You meet her eyes and nearly wince at the steely intensity. You stand straight and move past her to retrieve some paper towel. 

“This is a wise decision,” she says, “well-needed.” 

You look at her again as you dry your hands, “thanks.” 

“Oh, I’m not congratulating you. About time you got some sense,” she sneers. 

You wince and crumple up the towel. You drop it in the bin and cross your arms, “okay, well...” 

“It’s better you’re not here for any of it. He doesn’t need the distraction.” 

You chew the inside of your lip as venom drips from her voice. You’re still slightly tipsy and too tired to process this. You have no response. 

“The distance will help you get over it. Finally,” she snips, “you know, I thought it was almost endearing at first then it just became pathetic.” 

You swallow. You’re humiliated that even she could see right through you. You can hardly blame her for her spite. After all, she’s his fiancée, not you. 

“He thinks it’s silly. He laughs.” 

You flinch then. Hard. Your chest rents and your stomach boils. 

“He knows. It’s obvious. I mean, it’s convenient, isn’t it? You’ll do anything for him and really it was rather helpful. Took a lot off my plate and his but it’s time for all of us to grow up. I will be his wife and he doesn’t need some girl to measure out his laundry detergent or remind him to eat.” 

You blink and look away. You cross your arms and push your shoulders up, “got it.” 

“So why don’t you go ahead and just put him on mute now?” 

“Peggy,” you whisper. 

“We’re getting married. You know you can’t stop it, that’s why you’re running away. So end it.” 

“You don’t have to be cruel,” you mutter. 

“I could be horrid. I could have been for all these years. I believe I’ve had remarkable restraint with you,” she points a manicured nail at you, “you should be thanking me for having the grace to do this in private.” 

Your lip trembles and your cheeks tug painfully. You nod and turn away, “don’t worry, Peg, you won’t hear from me. He won’t either.” You make your way to the door, “I wish you both the best.” 

“Mm, I pray you find some clarity and perhaps some maturity along the way,” she retorts as she follows you, heels clicking loudly across the tile, “perhaps you might find someone too. Someone you deserve.” 

Her last words sting. The derision is pungent enough to make your nose crinkle. Someone you deserve... because you could never ever be good enough for Steve Rogers. 

💟

You don’t look back as you go through the gate. You can’t. It’s too painful. The tears have receded but the pain is only deeper. Peggy’s words reverberate in your head, nipping at your ears as your nape burns hotter and hotter. 

She’s right. Sam too. This is overdue. It’s exactly what you need to do. You know it. It’s the reason you chose this. That moment when you were faced with being the eternal wobbly third wheel, you made up your mind. It’s over. That part of your life is behind you, but you don’t know that you’ll ever stop feeling this way. 

It’s hard to settle in your seat, even knowing you have ten hours of flying ahead of you. Disembarking alone will be another hour at least, then finding the train station, another few hours... It’s a lot of time to think and you just can’t stop. 

You don’t take the book out of your bag or touch the screen in front of you. Instead, you sit, slumped down in your seat, eyes drifting back and forth, as you wallow in your self-pity. You stay like that through the flight. You decline the mid-flight meal and the snack cart. You don’t even get up to use the bathroom. 

You close your eyes and float away into memory. You can feel the scene around you. You can smell the stale air freshener forgotten on the shelf above the desk and hear the muffled thrum of music through the walls. You sit on the bed, your textbook open in your lap and your laptop open by your leg. Steve’s on the other end, phone in hand, texting as his golden hair flops forward over his head. 

He’s younger. That rosiness still kisses his cheeks as subtle freckles speckle his pale skin. Yet he’s just a well-built as ever. Broad shoulders, chiseled jaw, long legs. He’s the very picture that should appear next to ‘hunk’ in the dictionary. Every girl’s dream. Your dream. 

“Huh,” he chuckles and drops his phone, “this girl in my history class wants to meet up.” 

Your heart plucks and you force a smile, “a girl? Meet up?” 

“Oh, yeah, she lets me copy off her pop quiz every lecture. Guess I kinda owe her.” 

“Wow,” you utter, the only noise you can eke out. Owes her? Funny, you did his laundry last week and helped him print out his term paper... what do you get? 

“Yeah, so uh, do you think you could send me a copy of your notes?” He pushes himself to the edge of the bed. “I probably won’t be back tonight.” 

“Right,” you nod and hide your embarrassment at the insinuation. 

“You can crash here if you wanna. Long way across campus at night,” he shrugs casually as he grabs his varsity jacket. 

“No, I’ll... I’ll just go now,” you get off the bed and close up your books. 

“Probably a good idea. Just in case she wants to come back here,” he chuckles, “see ya in poli sci?” 

“Sure,” you keep your chin down. “See ya.” 

Your eyelids lift as you come out of the dazed memory.  

New York is gone. Steve is gone. You’re all alone. You’ve left it all behind but that home was never a home. It was all a farce you built on a childish hope. You’re done lying to yourself. It was never going to be. You didn’t miss any chance at all. You just wasted your own time. 

You just languish there in the airplane seat. It’s still hard to believe it’s all real. It isn’t until the wheels bounce and hit the tarmac that it fully sinks in. 

You’re not doing that again. You’re better off alone. You have to be, right? You don’t really know. You don’t even know yourself. You just know the girl who only wanted to be what he needed. 

But what do you need? What do you want? Can you figure it out? Is there anything in this land for you that you couldn’t find in New York? 

At least you’ll have lots of time to figure that out. Intimate hours with yourself to dwell and cringe and regret. Time to think, time to move on, time to cut him out. 

As you join the line to have your Visa stamped, you pull out your phone and turn off airplane mode. You swipe through to Steve’s last message. It was weeks ago. That makes it easier to hit that button; ‘mute’. It’s a start. Maybe in a few weeks, you’ll be ready to hit ‘block’. 

[xe-n4]

slow starts

feat. sae note: i just needed some fluff (life is so hard 😢), unedited contains: fluff, possibly ooc total: 727

Before you opened your eyes, you felt his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest. Sae laced his fingers with yours and rubbed the back of your hand.

“Mornin’,” he said in his raspy morning voice.

“Shut up,” you groaned. Slowly opening an eye, the sun-illuminated curtains flooded your vision and brightened your bedroom. Mild irritation built within you before you eventually rolled over and pressed yourself against Sae.

He rolled his eyes before kissing your forehead. “It’s morning, y/n.” Sae reached over to the side table for his phone, trying not to jostle you too much. 11:17. He kissed his teeth at the frustration of sleeping in much later than he intended to, which explained why he felt so groggy.

“It’s eleven in the morning, y/n. We—”

“All the more reason to stay in bed.” You placed a finger to his lips. “Stop talking so I can go back to sleep,” you whispered.

“You’ll have to get up eventually.”

You didn’t respond, ignoring everything Sae said to capture any remnants of sleep you had left.

Sae scoffed but relaxed into you. He didn’t want to admit it but felt nice to finally not have to get up at five every morning to train. His muscles weren’t screaming in exhaustion, and he could finally recharge his social battery. The stress of travelling the world for the last 4 months had gotten the best of him. Constant training, games, and interviews, rinse and repeat.

Sae sighed and closed his eyes. Maybe you were right, this is the perfect excuse to lie in even if it was for an extra hour before he forced himself to become human again.

That is until the sound of your stomach growling cut through the air like a hot knife to butter.

“Hey Sae?”

He hummed without opening his eyes.

“I think you might be hungry. And I also think you should make us breakfast.”

“What? That wasn’t me—”

“Oh, you should definitely make waffles,” you sighed, almost salivating at the thought.

“We don’t have a waffle iron.” Sae began to shuffle to the edge of the bed to put his slippers on. “I’ll make pancakes—he stood up—and you’re helping me.”

Before you registered what he’d said, Sae had already thrown you over his shoulder and was carrying you to the kitchen. He put you down and instructed that you get the ingredients from the fridge while he got everything else.

Cooking with Sae was like working a well operated machine. He’d set up stations around the kitchen to avoid bumping into each other, but he just had an air of authority about him, especially when he was concentrating.

After mixing together the pancake batter, you watched his piercing green eyes as they focused on the task at hand, flipping the pancakes. It may not seem like serious business but Sae liked his pancakes to be even on both sides. He was always very proud of himself when he’d manage to pull it off, walking around with a smug smile until his inflated ego was ultimately burst by the fact that pancakes were meant to be eaten, not hung as trophies.

You cleaned up while Sae set the table, bringing out the extortionately expensive maple syrup you only used for special occasions, such as Saturday mornings. It’s Thursday.

When you sat down at the table, you questioned him about it.

“What? I can’t treat my girl?”

You raised an eyebrow before digging in. “Thish ish sho good,” you said with your mouth full.

“Are they? Maybe we should start a business. Pancake restaurant? It’s a very unique idea”

“Shut up and answer my question.”

Sae put down his utensils and cleared his throat which made your ears perk up. “I’m thinking of taking a break from football…not for long, just for a season.”

“Oh. That’s okay.” You leaned back into your seat. “I thought you were gonna tell me something crazy.”

“But this is important, it affects you too.”

“I know, but I also know you’ve been stressed—you put your hand over his—take care of yourself before you start thinking about anyone else, okay?”

He nodded while pressing his lips together in disgust.

Your brows raised in confusion.

Sae gently lifted your hand off of his. “You’re sticky.”

You scoffed before rolling your eyes and continuing your breakfast.

m.list | like & reblog

[wearebarca]

4. Captured // Alexia Putellas x Original character pt. 4

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

synopsis: Rosalie has never stayed too long at the same place. When the opportunity of a lifetime presents itself critical moment in her life, the photographer decides to once again leave behind what she knows and joins the staff of Europe's best football team.

Word count: 6,8k

18+ (eventually)

A/N: Feedback is always nice to hear. Spanish is from google translate so please be nice. French is my first language so all should be good on that part. Enjoy

The jolt of the plane hitting the ground woke the captain up from her peaceful slumber. As she tried to move to put away her stuff, a weight on the shoulder prevented the blond from moving. She quickly realized that the photographer was still leaning her head on her shoulder and during her sleep, she had grabbed the captain’s arm and was currently clinging to it. The sight warmed the athlete’s heart who really didn’t want to disturb the brunette. She took a moment to admire the smaller woman’s features. She looked so peaceful sleeping, with her lips slightly parted and a few strands of hair caressing her cheeks. From this close, Alexia could see the freckles that littered her sun kissed skin and she decided that if she could, she would spend hours mapping the French-Canadian’s face counting each and everyone of them.

The brunette stirred in her sleep. Not ready to get up just yet, she buried herself further in the crook of the blond’s neck, not quite conscious enough to realize who she was currently using as a pillow. Meanwhile, Lucy was making her way towards the two women. The sight she was met with made her stop in her tracks. She never thought she would see the day Rosalie would fall asleep on a plane, nor would she see Alexia let someone sleep on her shoulder. The captain had the habit of asking management to have a seat by herself, wanting to stay focused and watch previous games to study closely their opponent. She pulled out her phone to snap a picture of the two and made her way to them.

“ Hola capitana,” Lucy whispered, not wanting to wake up the sleeping photographer just yet. Alexia’s gaze left Rosalie’s face to find Lucy, whom she sent a sharp warning look which took the English woman by surprise. “ I know, don’t worry, she ran a half marathon just this morning, she really wanted to knock herself out for this flight. She deserves the rest.” She said smiling, glad that her captain was taking care of the woman she considered a sister.

“ Really? I understand why she is sleeping so hard right now.”

“ Yeah, I just wanted to tell you that management wants her to be the first out, so she can take pictures of us getting out of the plane. I ‘ll take her stuff on my way out but do you think you could wake her up in about 10 minutes?” Alexia nodded at the older woman who turned around to get back to her seat.

“ Hola Bella durmiente, Es hora de despertar.” Alexia softly whispered to the photographer who groaned.

“ Non pas maintenant je suis bien, plus tard s’il te plait.”

“ Rosalia, we are here,” The blond said, pushing away strands of hair that were obscuring the brunette’s face. Rosalie stirred awake and slowly lifted her head from the blond’s shoulder. As soon as her eyes met the bright hazel ones, fhe brunette realized exactly where she had just spent the last hour and a half sound asleep. Embarrassment flooded the photographer who became red and had a hard time looking at the captain in her eyes.

“ I am so sorry Alexia I didn’t want to keep you from working.” The blind smiled at her with a warm expression. She leaned in slightly so the brunette could hear. “ I’m glad I could relax a little, I really didn’t want to answer those emails.”

Alexia’s confession put a small smile on her lips. “ I guess they want me to get out first for pictures?”

“ Si, I think they are ready for you now.” The blonde could see at the end of the alley the rest of the social media team getting ready to step out on the tarmac. “ You can leave the rest of your stuff here, I think Lucy said she would pick it up with hers.”

The brunette got up and hoisted her camera bag on her shoulder. She turned around and caught, once again, Alexia’s gaze. The footballer looked the most relaxed she had ever seen her, almost lost in her Nike club hoodie with her hair loose and fanning over her shoulders. Her favourite white cap finishing the look. Her eyes did not carry the wariness they usually did, only a glimpse of something the brunette could not put her finger on but unknowingly, was mirrored in her own eyes.

Walking in the alley the photographer felt eyes in the back of her head. She turned around to see Lucy and Keira with shit eating grins and wiggling eyebrows. Rosalie knew that she would get an earful as soon as she would be alone with the two. The same could be said with Alexia as the couple seated in front of her kept sending glances her way. They knew better than to attack the blond with questions right away, allowing her to process the events first.

Walking out of the aircraft, Rosalie felt all the tension leave her body as she took a deep breath. She settled her stuff a good fifty feet away from the bottom of the stairs. Next to her Martina was getting ready to make her instagram stories. “ Chica, would you mind if I took a quick story of you taking pictures? You haven’t been introduced to the Culers socials yet!”

“ Do I have to say something?” The photographer felt a lot more comfortable behind the camera than in front.

“No, no you don’t have to, just wave or something, I’ll do the talking!”

“ Ok just tell me when to and I’ll wave.” Meanwhile the first of the coaching staff made their way out of the airplane. She snapped a few shots of Jonatan, along with a few of the club physios. She caught one of Sara waving at her with a bright smile. After the coaches, it was finally time for the players, most of them waved or did silly faces at her camera. As the players made their way past her they patted her shoulders or ruffled her hair. The photographer’s easy going and bubbly personality had allowed her to get close fast with the rest of the team.

As she was busy taking pictures and interacting with the team, Martina took the time to film bits of her interactions, thinking that the fans would love to see the new photographer in her element.

The next to get out were Keira, who only had a small backpack hanging from her shoulder. Lucy was slowly trailer behind her, clearly struggling because of the amount of bags she was carrying. The photographer found the sight quite comical and moved on to the next couple behind them.Ingrid looked almost regal, strolling down the steps with Mapi by her side. The Spaniard was carrying their backpad and making little poses in pure Mapi fashion. The steady flow of players kept coming down the stairs of the plane and the photographer got in her zone, moving around to get different angles.

When Alexia passed the door, the first thing she saw was the Canadian crouched down on the tarmac, smiling as she snapped pictures of Fridolina and Aitana. When the photographer finally realized who was descending the stairs, she lowered her camera so she could simply admire the captain. The sun was hitting Alexia's face perfectly, making her skin glow and her face scrunched up due to the brightness and the sight was simply too cute for her not to take a picture. The Catalonian went down the stairs and went straight for the photographer who lowered her camera not wanting to make the captain uncomfortable.

“ You still have my hoodie imprinted on your cheek, chica” She said, brushing a few strands of hair away from Rosalie’s face.

“You should check if I didn’t leave a drool stain on it as well.” The comment came out of the green-eyed photographer who didn’t take the time to think before saying it. Her face went red from embarrassment but quickly calmed down as she heard Alexia’s infectious laugh. Unknowingly to them both, Martina had her phone recording the whole ordeal. The captain had never really been more than courteous towards any of the members of the media team, which is why the head of social media valued this short video and found that this would be all the introduction the photographer would need. If the cold, calculating captain liked the Canadian photographer, anyone would.

It was around mid-day that the team finally arrived at the training grounds. The coaching staff had scheduled a small training session just so the girls could move around a little and stay sharp for the game the next day. The photographer was on the sideline, camera ready, and was instructed to follow closely the five captains. There was an air of seriousness on the pitch as everyone was working on the drills which were led by the Rosalie’s target for the day. Even if she liked studio work and social media related stuff, action shots were the best part of her job. At the end of the training session, Rosalie was almost as sweaty as the rest of the team. She was extremely satisfied with her work and while the team was getting ready to leave the center, the brunette sat in the bus to start editing the pictures that were gonna go in today’s post. As she was working away at her computer, her phone started buzzing. It got so intense that the woman had to pick it up and see what was causing the commotion.

The Canadian’s instagram was currently blowing up. In less than an hour she had gained hundreds of followers. It all seemed to come from a story with her account mentioned. When she clicked, she was met with a short video of her and several footballers interacting with her. The post was captioned “ Everyone loves our new photographer. The last video was a little longer, and was of her andAlexia, outside of the plane while the blond was brushing away her hair. The photographer was taken aback by Martina’s choice to post a moment that could so easily be missinterpreted by fans. The green-eyed woman’s worries were quickly overshadowed by a text coming from the head of socials herself, wondering if the pictures were ready to be sent.

She selected the ones she loved the most and made two separate files. One for the airport and arrival pictures and one for the training session. Someone pulling at the wire of her headphones pulled the girl's attention away from her screen to the person that had just sat by her side.

“ Hola, do you have a lot of work for tonight?” Sara asked as she pulled out a notebook from her small backpack.

“ Kinda, I wanna finish editing some of the pictures from last week’s shoot and work a bit on the fan project.” She said, eyes going back to her screen but not putting her headphones back just yet.

“ Good, because I was wondering if it would be a problem if I wanted to work on the girls strength program tonight. We could order room service together too if you want.”

“ Sounds like a plan to me.” The brunette slid her headphones back in while the players were slowly boarding the bus. Alexia, Ingrid, Mapi, Patri and Pina all took the last seats of the bus. Pina and Patri almost simultaneously pulled out their phones and both headed to Instagram to see the latest Barça post. Soon enough, both of the young women started to gush about their own photographs, shouting to the photographer their praise from across the crowded bus. The Canadian smiled at the two younger women and sent a thumbs up their way.

“ Capi, this is a very cute picture of you, Rosie almost makes you look approachable,” Patri said in a teasing tone.

“Oh no we don’t want that do we,” Pina added in the same tone which earned the duo a glare from the older woman. Meanwhile, the couple seated to their right was looking at the recent stories. Both of their expressions changed at the same time, as they stared at one short video in particular. They both shared a knowing look and mutually decided to not bring any attention to the post. From the very beginning they both could see a spark going on whenever the Canadian and the Catalonian would interact and this video was proof that it wasn’t simply in their head.

Alexia, on the other hand, had not pulled out her phone, preferring to close her eyes and visualize tomorrow’s match. She knew Sevilla FC’s patterns, strengths and weaknesses like the back of her hand and kept trying different plans of attack for tomorrow. The fact that she had a room by herself would allow her to spend her night going over minor details and reviewing some of their old games against them. The drive was short and everyone was glad they would finally get some time to relax. Rosalie thought she could cry at the sight of the queen sized bed. She quickly dropped her bags at the foot of the bed and flopped right on it.

“ You look completely dead, hermana”

“ Oui, and it’s partly your fault.” She said, face still buried in the soft bed.

“ I’m gonna shower really quick and we order after?”

“ Do you know what you want? I can call while you shower.”

“ Sure, can you order me the Patatas Bravas please?” The photographer sent a thumbs up her way as the coach disappeared in the bathroom. Rolling on her side to grab her phone felt like a tremendous effort. She ordered in a broken Spanish that would’ve made any of the girls cringe and finally got back up to set up a little workstation on her bed. They both spent the evening working on their respective projects, occasionally taking breaks to chat. Rosalie really enjoyed the coach's calm and easy presence.

Around ten thirty Rosalie and Sara decided to call it a night and head to bed. Tomorrow will be a big day for both of them. The room was pitch black and all that could be heard were the soft snores of the coach. Rosalie was laying on her back, wide awake despite the exhaustion she was feeling. She knew that sleep would not come easy for her because the stress of the game along with the remaining restlessness from the plane trip were still coursing through her veins. She pulled her phone and decided to go see how the posts were doing. Amongst the numerous new follower notifications, one in particular caught her eye. Alexia had followed her, along with reposting the pictures from their arrival. Scrolling down the comments of the post, she could see the comments being mostly fans gushing about the players, but scattered among the flow of compliments were a few who came from the instagram story. Most of them were about how the photographer looked like she was part of the family, and the rest was about a certain interaction with the Spanish captain. Seeing there wasn’t anything negative, she closed her phone and tried to get some sleep.

The atmosphere was electric in the stadium. Spanish football really has nothing to do with football in the states or even English football. The crowds were so loud she could feel the rumbling of hundred voices screaming in her bones. Armed with her trusty Canon and the horrible bright yellow “press” jersey, the photographer had spent the better part of the first half running along the side lines trying to capture the impressive plays the team was creating.

The game started exactly how Alexia had visualized it. The entire team was completely in sync with each other. For the first 40 minutes, Barcelona was leading 1-0, thanks to Graham. But sometimes one thing can disturb even the most well oiled machine. At the 55 minute mark, Mapi went down after receiving a vicious elbow right to the face. The photographer was following the defender with her camera and caught the whole ordeal. Mapi stood back up fast enough but the gash on her face kept bleeding which meant she had to leave the game.

It was like someone had taken a gear out of the machine and suddenly, passes weren’t meeting their target and the team’s focus was lost.

They were toe to toe at the end of the game, with only two minutes to play, and everyone could feel the tension in the air. Finding a weakness through their opponents defence seemed impossible for the girls. Alexia felt as if she could not move a single muscle without being shadowed by one of Sevilla’s defenders. She kept being shoved and tripped by her opponent who was clearly trying to get in the woman’s head. The seconds were ticking down and the captain was getting more and more frustrated, which was clear on the blond's face. A particularly rough foul inside the box was committed on the captain who stayed on the ground.

Rosalie’s heart sank at the sight, her camera long forgotten as she ran on the sideline to stand right in front of the small huddle that had gathered around the blond. The whistle was heard and a penalty shotwas given to Barcelona. Everyone was waiting to see if the footballer would manage to get up on her own, which she did moments later, but not without making a face of discomfort. Alexia turned towards the bench, signalling that she was ok to stay on, as if it had been drawn by a magnet, her eyes found worried green one. She smiled reassuringly at the brunette who managed to take a picture just before the blonde turned back towards her teammates.

Alexia’s demeanor completely changed as she stepped towards the ref to take the ball. Her face was void of any emotion, her eyes never leaving the goal. Rosalie was mesmerized by the sight in front of her. It was no secret that Alexia was an incredibly beautiful woman, but on the pitch, proudly wearing Barcelona's white away kit, standing tall and confident, she looked out of this world. The photographer took the time to capture the captain’s focused expression.

The photographer watched through the lens of her camera the ball soaring through the air and coming to a stop at the back of the net. The next shots she took would be her favourite pictures she had taken so far. The smile that stretched the blond’s face was so bright and beautiful, the photographer took a second to admire it before focusing on her job again. The first one to jump in Alexia’s arms was Jana who wrapped her arms and legs around the blond. Soon enough the rest of the team was around her but there was only one set of beautiful forest green eyes she wanted to see.

The brunette was smiling ear to ear and jumping around with Martina on the side lines. She turned around to meet the shining hazel one. It was as if she could feel the blond’s happiness and delight. For a second, it was as if they were the only ones in the stadium. Alexia was forced to break the small trance she was in when she was dragged away by the rest of the team.

Watching the captain celebrating today’s win, Rosalie realized that whatever feelings she currently had for the Catalonian woman were growing at an alarming rate.

The locker rooms were filled with laughter and music as the team was getting ready to get back to the hotel. Alexia was the last one to enter the room, having stayed on the pitch for a few quick interviews. She quickly went to see Mapi, who was sitting with her girlfriend in the corner. The tattooed woman had large bandages wrapped around her head but overall looked just as excited as the rest of the team.

“ How are you feeling?”

“ I am good, no concussion.”

“ Good, we don't need you to be more stupid now do we?” She said, smiling down at her friend.

“ Imagínate si me volviera tan estúpido como tú.” Ingrid could not hold the laugh that bubbled in her throat.

“ oh well she's definitely ok.”

Back in the bus, most of the girls were discussing how their day in Seville would be spent. Alexia was sitting next to Pina, and was loudly arguing with Patri on what movie to watch. Alecia could feel her body relax after the game. She pulled out her headphones, closed her eyes and pressed play on the album that had the song Rosalie showed her the day before.

“A day off in a new city does not mean a break in training” This was the sentence Sara had sent Rosalie’s way as they made their way down in the lobby, both dressed in running gear and ready to start their day. I was still very early in the morning and none of the girls were up yet. In fact, the lobby was completely empty besides the receptionist who was looking at the two women like they had grown an extra head.

Rosalie only groaned at the coach as she tied her shoelaces. They didn’t plan on a big run this morning, but the coach wanted to see the Canadian’s ability to hold a certain speed on a relatively short distance.

She was pleasantly surprised to see that Rosalie was capable of holding an average pace of 3 minutes 59 seconds per kilometre during their 10km run.

“And you’re telling me that you played football in College? Why didn’t you get on the track team?” As they stepped through the hotel doors, less than 45 minutes after leaving.

“ Running only became fun for me after college,” she said with a smile and an expression that told Sara that this might be a sensitive subject for the brunette.

At the same time, Alexia, Irene and Sandra were making their way down the stairs leading to the lobby, all dressed in the team sweat suits.

“ I think I’d like to go visit Plaza de Espana.” Irene said, pulling up some pictures on her phone to show the two other women.

“ I think I heard Ingrid and Rosie talk about going there too, we could tag along,” Panos said, turning towards Alexia. “ Do you have plans or are you coming with us?”

“ I don’t know honestly, maybe I’ll just go walk around a little,” She said, walking towards the breakfast room.

“ Oh wait, she’s right here we can ask her,” Sandra said , waving at the photographer. Alexia turned around and froze in the spot. The photographer was standing in the lobby chatting with Sara, a water bottle in hand. She clearly had just gotten back from her run and Alexia was not ready to witness such a sight so early in the morning. Alexia knew that the photographer was quite the athlete, she had seen the pictures Patri had dug out of the Canadian’s profile, but seeing her in person was a different story. The photographer was standing in the hall, in nothing but red running shorts and a black Nike sports bra. Her hair was up in a messy bun with strands of hair falling out and sticking to her neck and forehead Her skin was still glowing with a light sheen of sweat, which made every ripple of muscle much more noticeable. She had the perfect runner shape, slender muscular legs with defined abs covered in beads of sweat.

Alexia's mouth went dry as she watched her friends walk towards the duo. “Hola chicas how was the workout?” Paños said, coming to a stop in front of the photographer.

“ Dios mio, this one can run,” Sara said, still trying to regulate her breathing.

“ She puts me through the ringer, mon dieu. I don't want to see what her strength training looks like.” Rosalie said, smiling and shifting side to side.

“Believe me, you don’t,” Irene added, “Hey so we were wondering if you guys were still planning to go sightseeing today.”

“ Oui! This city looks gorgeous and Sara promised to show me around since she’s from around here.”

“ Great! Would you mind if Irene, Alexia and I tagged along with you guys.” Sandra asked, pointing to the women by her side. Alexia was still a few feet behind the group, but when the captain heard her name, she took a breath and moved forward to join the small group.

“ hola” Rosalie thought that the captain looked adorable in her baggy sweat suit, hood up and her blond hair peeking up from the hood. She looked cosy and still half asleep.

“ Hola Rosalia” The blond found it hard to keep her eyes from wandering down, so she turned towards the rest of the group. “ I am going to get breakfast now, I will see you later chicas”

“ And I need a shower.” The brunette said, motioning to her sweaty state.

“ I’ll bring you a coffee and some food while you shower,” Sara said, heading in the same direction as the Spanish captain.

“ Perfect, so should we meet in the lobby around 10?” Irene asked.

“ Sounds perfect to me, I’ll text Mapi and Ingrid to tell them as well.”

“ Ok! See you later!”

Rosalie had traded her sports clothes for a beige tennis skirt and a white cropped tank top along with a pair of adidas sneakers. A light sweater was tied around her shoulders and her favorite pair of sunglasses were resting at the top of her hair. Sara was waiting for her at the door of their shared hotel room in a pair of linen shorts and a simple white t-shirt.

“ Ready to go?”

“ Oui, oui, I just need to get my camera bag and then we’re good to go!”

“ You never go anywhere without it do you?” Sara said, smiling at the brunette who was running around looking for the specific camera she wanted to bring.

“ I rarely leave the house without one I’m afraid.” She answered. She found the smaller camera she had brought for this day, put it in the little travel bag and headed out with Sara to the lobby.

Downstairs, Ingrid, Irene and Alexia were sitting in the lounge area chatting and waiting for the rest of the group to arrive.

“ Hola! Are you guys excited?” Ingrid asked as she saw the two women approaching.

“ Yes! I’ve never been in this city but I’ve read about the amazing architecture and the different historical sites.” The Canadian said excitedly. Behind her she could hear Sandra and Irene chatting as they made their way towards the group. “ Is Mapi coming?” The brunette asked, noticing her absence.

“ Yeah she is, she’s just trying to find a good outfit and gets lost in her stuff. Nothing new.” Ingrid answered with an eye roll.

“ She’s not rooming with you so you can’t choose for her and it drives her crazy right?” Alexia said while laughing.

“ Exactly, she sent me three options and I didn’t answer so she’s probably losing her mind at the moment.” The whole group laughed at the comment and turned around at the sound of hurried footsteps coming their way. The tattooed woman was running towards them, wearing a white sleeveless vest, jean shorts and a dark green cap. “ This was not in any of the options you sent me elskling.”

Mapi’s face fell a little at the comment, thinking that her girlfriend didn’t approve of her outfit. “ But I thought it looked nice.” She said with a sad puppy face.

“ You look great Mapi, she's just teasing.” The photographer said smiling at the defender, who’s smile came back at her words.

“ So are we ready to go?” Sandra asked.

“Si, we can walk to the plaza and go from there.” The group walked out of the hotel. Ingrid and Rosalie were walking at the front, chatting about the various sites they would get to see and the pictures that they could take. Sara and Mapi were behind them, talking about training while the three others were silently following.

“ She’s really nice, Rosalie I mean, and she gets along with the team well.” Sandra said, observing the French-Canadian who was looking around her, smiling ear to ear.

“ I don’t remember any of us getting this close to any of the photographers before.” Irene added.

“ They never made the effort to make us feel at ease with them.” Alexia said, making a face at the memories of awful shootings she’s had to endure in the past.

“ She goes that extra mile to make us feel at ease and comfortable, I really like her.” Sandra said, eyes glued to the brunette. Something in the way that the goalkeeper was looking at the photographer made Alexia send her a look that held a question.

“ What?”

“ Nothing.”

“ Is Alexia jealous?” Irene said, lightly shoving the younger woman.

“I’m not,”She said, her eyes drifting to the photographer who had stopped to take a picture of a particularly beautiful bed of flowers.

“ She’s beautiful too,” Sandra added, smiling cheekily at the midfielder.

“ mhmm”

“ Ale,” Irene said in a much more serious tone. “ It’s ok to let things happen sometimes, you don’t need to control everything all the time.” She said looking at the blonde in the eyes. “ You can let yourself be happy.”

In all the years she had spent working with Alexia, Irene knew that the blond lived for football. She was so focused on her career, her team, it was her whole life. Getting the captain to loosen up a little, to relax and actually take care of herself was extremely hard. She deserved to be happy outside of football. Irene could see that the blonde was closing herself off so she decided to drop the subject and engage in a light conversation with the goalkeeper, who had walked a few feet ahead to let her friend talk with their captain more privately.

Alexia knew that Irene was right. She knew that it was more than time for her to start thinking about her life outside of football and actually think about herself, but she simply wasn’t used to it. Her life was hectic. The training, the games, the interviews, the press, the lack of privacy, it was too much to deal with. She was scared, scared of the fans revealing her private life, scared of what they would think if she was to focus on something else than the team, but as she gazes at the photographer, who was currently mesmerized by the beauty of Plaza de Espana, she found it quite hard to control the butterflies fluttering inside her.

“ Don’t you get tired of taking pictures?” The Norwegian asked as she walked towards the brunette to see the shot she had taken of her in front of the impressive building.

“ Never, I love capturing beauty,” She said with a bright smile.

“ Hey, don't steal my girlfriend hermana!” Mapi yelled as she ran towards the two friends.

“ Too late, mon amie, she wants me as her personal photographer now.” She answered laughing. “ You guys should pose together, I’ll send you all the pictures tonight!” The afternoon was spent walking around in the city. Sara, Irene and Sandra had left the small group of friends to go try out a restaurant Sara had mentioned while the rest decided to keep exploring a little. They ended up in a small street filled with little boutiques and cafes. Rosalie pulled out her camera and snapped a picture of the couple walking ahead of them.

Alexia, who was silently walking beside her, pulled out her phone and decided to capture the photographer in her element. She looked focused, her nose scrunched up with one of her eyes closed and her tongue slightly sticking out. She was kneeling down in the middle of the small pedestrian street and looked like a professional, even on her day off. Her picture probably wasn’t as good as the ones the brunette was currently taking, but she was quite proud of how it turned out. Too focused on the picture she had just taken, the midfielder had failed to notice the brunette coming over and looking at her phone.

“Not bad, even if your subject is not the best.” She said in a soft voice,as to not frighten the blonde.

“Not used to being on the other side of the lens?”

“ You could say that,” she said with a shy smile, “ This one isn’t so bad.” She added, taking a good look at it.

“I think it’s beautiful” Alexia said, catching Rosalie’s gaze with her own. They stayed like that, simply looking at each other, until a man walked past and shoved the smaller woman who ended up in Alexia’s arms.

“ Oh mon dieu, I’m so sorry are you ok?”

“ You’re the one who got shoved and you’re apologizing to me?” She said laughing.

“ I’m Canadian, I can’t help it.” She said, letting the captain go to look around for their two friends.

“ I think they left without us,” the Spanish woman said.

“ Looks like it.” They stayed silent for a while, observing the street.

“ Are you hungry?”

“Si, you too?”

“ Oui, wanna grab a bite?”

“ Lead the way, Rosalia. ”

They settled on a very small restaurant on a street corner, in front of a small park. They sat on a table outside in the corner of the patio where they could enjoy their meal away from prying eyes.

Alexia was nervous. This would be the first time she would spend time alone with the brunette outside of work settings and she didn’t know if she would be able to keep the conversation flowing without seeming too nervous or awkward. Meanwhile the French-Canadian was in a similar state, stressed about dining with the captain of the best football team in the league.

Surprisingly, once they had started talking, the conversation kept flowing. It started out with something as mundane as their favourite city they had visited, to what country they wished to see the most, to where they dreamed to play.

“That is easy, I’ve always wanted to play for Barça, I knew that this would be my home.” The blonde said before taking a bite of her salade. “What about you? Which club did you dream of playing for?”

“Oh, I was never good enough to go pro.” The brunette said, taking a sip of her cocktail.

“I doubt that. From what I have heard, you were quite the defender.” Alexia said pointing to the French-Canadian with her fork. “Lucy told me that you would give her a run for her money.”

Rosalie laughed at the comment. “Lucy’s full of shit.”

“ I guess I’ll have to see for myself one day, you can try to block me from scoring, and if I do, I can ask you anything I want.” The captain with confidence.

“Anything hm? Sounds interesting, but what if I win, what do I get?”

“You can ask me for anything.” The photographer took a second to think before extending her hand for the captain to shake. When their hands met, Rosalie felt a spark run along her skin, giving her goosebumps. Her eyes met with hazel ones who seemed surprised, seemingly having felt the same thing as her. The blonde quickly brushed it off and moved on.

“ Seriously, there must be a club that you dreamt of playing for.” Alexia said, leaning towards Rosalie, keeping eye contact.

“ Don’t laugh at me, but Barcelona has always been my favourite club.” The photographer said, slightly embarrassed. “ It’s weird, but when I got the offer to come work for the team, it made me feel like, in a way, I was realizing my dream, just not as a player.”

“ You are part of this team Rosalia, player or not.” Alexia said, feeling bold and taking the photographer’s hand across the table. The smile that appeared on the Canadian’s face was so contagious that the blonde could not hold back her own.

“Don’t you miss England sometimes?”

“ I don’t, England is home to a lot of memories, a lot of good ones, but most of them are tainted.” The woman said with a sad smile. “ I miss the girls though.”

“You were close with the girls from the team?” Alexia asked, curious to know more about the woman’s time with Arsenal.

“Yeah, especially with Leah, Beth, Viv and lia. We still regularly talk. I think they’re planning to come see one of the games soon.”

“ I am sorry if my question is too personal, but why did you leave Arsenal?” Rosalie took a deep breath and took a moment to gaze at their still intertwined hands.

“ You don’t have to tell me, I am sorry I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Alexia said, squeezing the photographer’s hand.

“ No, non it’s ok.” She said, smiling at the blonde. “When I arrived at Arsenal, I got very close quickly to a player.” She said, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms.

“ I was completely new to the English scene and quite naive. We started dating shortly after the start of the season. She kept me a secret, saying that she didn’t want her private life out in the media and I respect that. It stayed like that for a year and a half, and then I found out exactly why she wanted it to be a secret.” Rosalie said with a bitter expression.

“ she was still with her ex girlfriend, while also seeing other women.” At the revelation, Alexia could feel her anger rising, her expire hardened as she kept listening to the smaller woman.

“ I kept seeing her everywhere after that, she was part of the team I worked for and friends with all of my friends. It became too hard to stay there. I didn’t want to go out anymore, spending time with my friends became difficult because I could see the looks of pity they would send my way.” Explained the brunette.

“ I started to loathe coming into work, I couldn’t even joy in my passion anymore. Moving away was a necessity. I travelled a little first, then you guy’s offer came in and it was like a dream come true.” She said looking at the captain straight in the eyes with a warm smile.

“She didn’t deserve you, Rosalia. We’re happy you’re here.” The compliment made the Canadian blush furiously.

“ Who was it? So I can end their career during the Champions league?”

“ What are you going to do? Commit a dirty foul on her?” The brunette asked, shaking her head. “Good luck, she is the queen in that area.” That information alone was enough for Alexia to guess who had broken the photographer’s heart so badly.

“McCabe doesn’t scare me, Bonita” The photographer’s breath hitched at the nickname.

“ I guess you didn’t need much to guess who it is.”

“ She’s got quite the reputation.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I don’t want to bore you with my relationship drama.”

“You have to stop apologizing Rosa, I asked the question, I wanna know more about you, the good and the bad.” Rosalie relaxed a little. The blonde looked genuinely curious and it was so easy to talk to her. The rest of the night was spent walking around in the streets of the city, with Rosalie taking pictures of everything that piqued her interest, while Alexia was following, taking pictures of, mostly, Rosalie.

They got back to the hotel later than Alexia would have thought. The sun was long gone and the night air was crisp. Both of their rooms were on the same floor so Alexia decided to walk the brunette to her door. They both could feel the tension rising as they approached Rosalie’s room. Both women were tired but didn’t want this night to end. Alexia was the first one to reach the door and took off the camera bag she had offered to carry for the smaller brunette.

“ Thank you so much for this wonderful night, Ale.”

“ The pleasure was all mine Rosa, I had a great time.” She looked at the smaller woman blushing and shifting side to side and felt a rise of courage, which allowed her to pull Rosalie in a warm hug.

The photographer instantly melted at the contact, wrapping her arms around the taller woman���s shoulders. The footballer couldn’t help but think about how the photographer fit perfectly in her arms and how her smell was clouding her mind. They stayed like this longer than a simple friendly hug should be, but still, the brunette was disappointed when Alexia slowly let go. The blonde took a step back before speaking, her voice just above a whisper.

“Bonne nuit, Rosalia”

“Buenas noches, Ale”

A/N: late post but I hope it’s worth the wait

[pinkpigtailsprincess]

𝜗𝜚 ݁ ˖ Summer Glow up: creating new habits 🎀⭐️ *࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ!

Hi Dolls!! Welcome Back 2 Dollies 2 Months of Summer Glow Up !! 🎀⭐️ Today im gonna talk all about implementing brand new habits in my life !!

> Hobbies !! 🎀

> Academics !! 📒

> Beauty Care !! 🧖‍♀️

> Scheduling !! ☀️

> Taking Baby Steps !! 🛼

❤︎ ໋𓈒 Hobbies!! 🎀

…: This Summer I Plan on Taking up Some brand New Hobbies to keep my self busy and learn about brand new things bc everyday is useful!! and so i can use my time more wisely some hobbies i have in mind are…

- Yoga

- Painting

- Creative Writing

- Learning Japanese + Spanish

- Reading

- Puzzles!

- Blogging

- Learning To Code

- Doll Collecting

- Book Collecting

- Sewing + Crocheting

- Digital Art

- Piano

and obvii im already a blogger but i still added it anyways i will watching videos on how to get into these hobbies and videos on learning Spanish and more Japanese, also fun fact i’ve actually been studying Japanese sine 2021 but i stopped bc it got to hard but im starting back up!! anyways, after i watch the videos im gonna set up a financial list bc i have the fund all of these but its okay bc i can easily get money!! 🎀

❤︎ ໋𓈒 Academics !! 🎀

More Goals of mine are to raise my grades in an academic space bc i do have decent grades but i wanna aim higher and have PERFECT Grades so in turn that means i must study more and have more discipline and not so irresponsible with my time!! and i also wanna study subjects outside of school bc its always good to learn something new!! now for learning tips so far i have..

- Flash Cards

- Practice Methods

- Teaching Someone Else

- Trying to explain it to a 5 yr old

- Study a Week Before

- watch ted talks on topics

- SLEEP

- write out notes

Now i Also Have a list of subjects i want to learn about!!

- drawing facial expressions + bodies

- Sewing Stiches + How to Hem and Crochet

- How 2 Draw Bodies + Poses

- Full Anatomy 4 Both Genders

- Japanese + Spanish + French + ASL

- Color Theory

- Learning Cursive + Improving Handwriting

- Expanding Vocabulary

- Religious Cults

- Case and Law

- Poison and Toxicology

- Astronomy

- Medical Surgical Instruments

- Matriarchal Societies

- Socialism Societies

Now i definitely won’t be able to do all of this all at once bc it would definitely we too stressful so im gonna choose as least 2-3 to start with and study them and just learn! 🎀🧁

❤︎ ໋𓈒 Beauty Care !! 🐬

📧: Now I already have my regular beauty care regime skin,hair,eyebrows,eyelashes etc. but im also more focused on getting weekly treatments & weekly beauty care habits like…

- Nails

- Hair

- Eyelashes

- Face Mask

- Hand + Foot Mask

And i wanna try and find people in my city that can do this especially for nails bc i would go to the nail salon but i feel like they won’t be able to do it exactly how i want it to be !!!

❤︎ ໋𓈒 Scheduling !! ⭐️

Now That im gonna be so busy i need to make sure i also stay organized with my time so it doesn’t lead to stress so ill have my regular school classes on my regular schedule then making dedicated hours to studying Things i wanna learn about + Language Learning!

My Workouts are always early morning before school in the evening hours before i got to bed so i won’t have to worry about that affecting my academics. With my Hobbies i feel like only some of them really need scheduling so ill also make time dedicated to those as well !!!!

Beauty Maintenance will probably always be on weekends for the stuff that weekly/bi weekly like face masks,manipedis,hair etc!!

and last but definitely not least!!

❤︎ ໋𓈒 Taking Baby Steps !! ⭐️

This whole process is still all new too me so i’ll definitely only be doing a little at a time and working my way up and i get more familiar with the change in my daily life and i won’t pressure my self to complete everything extremely quickly and just take my time with everything! bye bye dolls tysm 4 keeping up with me while doing this kisses 4 all of u!!! 🎀⭐️

[interstellarrisa]

A very mysterious technique

ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚

This technique is more often referred to as SSILD which stands for Senses Initiand Lucid Dream. It's a lucid dreaming technique and as most of us know lucid dreaming can be a way to access the void state or shift realties. This technique combines multiple technique's and can be thought of as a hybrid technique. The author of this technique is a Chinese lucid dream blogger called Cosmiclron.

Cycles:

A cycle is the thing that allows this technique to work. It consists of three steps:

Sight: Close your eyes and pay attention to the darkness, just don't strain your eye muscles. Let your eyeballs rest, stay relaxed. You don't need to see anything and don't move your eyes around trying to see something just relax.

Hearing: Move your attention to your ears and tune into the sounds that surround you. You might hear some noise inside your head or your heartbeat, you can even listen to external sounds too.

Touch: Now focus on your body, feel around, try to sense any unusual sensations such as tingling, heaviness, lightness and so on. If nothing can be found you can also pay attention to your clothes on your skin, the weight of your blanket or softness of your mattress.

Repeating stimulations to our senses makes so SSILD is able to condition our mind and body into a subtle state that's best for lucid dreams to occur. Keep this in mind and don't make the common mistake of "trying too hard". Usually you'd want to see, hear or feel something and when nothing unusual happens you lose your motivation and might become desperate. You shouldn't really expect anything strange to happen during cycles it's better to expect that NOTHING will happen at all during the cycles. Not when you go to sleep to dream though you should have faith then.

The Steps:

Go to bed and set an alarm for 4-5 hours.

After you wake up get out of bed and stay awake for 5-10 minutes, go to the bathroom, drink water or walk around but try not to wake yourself up completely.

Return to bed in a comfortable position, preferably one that you don't often use but if you have trouble falling asleep you can use your usual position. This is to make it so that you don't fall asleep too early.

Do the cycle quickly 4-6 times. Do it as a warm up exercise so it should be very quick. A few seconds are enough.

Perform the cycle again slowly this time. Around 3-4 times. At this point you should be relaxed enough and you'll feel that focusing on senses have become much easier. You might notice symptoms such as seeing lights, colors or movement, sounds fading in and out. Remember to stay calm and quietly observe and move on to the other senses. Each step should take around 30 seconds. This typically the most important part in the technique.

Return to the most comfortable position and fall asleep, don't worry on whether it'll work or not. Don't think to much just have faith.

During step 5 you might get random thoughts. Don't try to chase them away since they're good signs that you're close to falling asleep. Let them act as gentle waves or kind breezes carrying you away from reality. Occasionally you'll remember that you've lost track of your exercise but you can just start from the beginning of a cycle and no need to worry.

What can happen?

Hypnagogia: In a dream where one is conscious one might encounter various unusual sensations. Falling, floating, seeing lights and images, hearing noises and many more that are beyond words. Chances are you already are in a dream when these things happen or really close to entering one. SSILD is known for causing hypnagogia. Remember be passive and observe it all as if you were watching a boring movie. Don't analyze to much mentally as it can cause it to fade away. During this state you can perform a quick reality check and successfully enter a lucid dream.

False awakenings: FA's are also common in SSILD. False awakenings are when you wake up and get out of bed just to wake up again and realize that your first awakening was in a dream. Some people who have tried this technique complained that they lost sleep over it just to realize that they've been doing SSILD in their sleep!? One thing to do that can combat false awakenings is to do reality checks whenever you wake up.

DILD: After falling asleep while doing SSILD you'll probably have heightened awareness in your dreams which makes it easier for you to catch all the things that are odd and realize that you're in a lucid dream. You can even become lucid from nowhere!

Real awakening: If this happens do no despair just go back to bed do some medium paced cycles and this time you have higher chances of encountering hypnagogia or having lucid dreams.

Sweet dreams everyone ⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖࣪

[barefoothighlander]

spillways - panic

-simon 'ghost' riley x fem!reader

-warnings: mentions of ptsd, angst, bit ooc!ghost

-word count: 1.5k

-summary: after a year of working loosely alongside the 141, you are deployed on your first ground mission. trying to navigate having to work with a team and your lieutenant who seems set on getting a rise out of you.

next chapter fic masterlist

a/n: alright so I'm planning on making this a slow burn, we'll see how long that lasts, I'm trying so hard to be normal about ghost but at the same time I can't so, here you go. :)

I wonder to myself, 

could life ever be sane again?

You thrust yourself awake, alarm bells ringing in your head, something was wrong, something felt off. Faced with the darkness of your bedroom you shift your weight to glance around, nothing out of place, no noises aside from the occasional car alarm, but the buzzing, the buzzing was loud. Your head filled with the buzzing that seemed to have no end and no beginning, turning over you see the time, 3:44 am, staring back at you with that obnoxious, bright red gleam, sighing to yourself 2 hours of sleep isn’t so bad. 

Raising yourself from the bed you’re met with a cold breeze shit, the window was open, striding towards the wall to close it with a loud thud, you hated this apartment, it was old, nothing worked, and the floors creaked under any sort of movement, it didn’t feel like home. You manage the strength to walk to the kitchen and turn on a lamp, growing accustomed to residing in low light, rarely did you ever have your space fully illuminated. You pour yourself a cup of coffee and begin your day, you didn’t have much to do around the apartment considering the only thing on your agenda was to show up to base for deployment, but you still had 4 hours to kill. You occupied yourself with meaningless tasks, tidying the living space even though it had barely anything in it, you had bought the apartment 3 years ago but spent less than 9 months actually living there, it was simply a means of habitat between deployments. Truthfully you don’t know what to do with yourself if you aren’t off in some desert, or mountain range on a mission.

Finally, the clock read 7:15, you figured you had waited an adequate amount of time pacing around the apartment, so you got dressed in some casual clothes that were appropriate for any form of the tactical situation, grabbed your bag and left for the base. You made the drive often enough that it felt like your brain was on autopilot, muscle memory telling you where to turn and when. But you were right, something was off, the buzzing in your head was persistent, and your thoughts ran rampant, usually, you were halfway decent at getting your mind to quiet down, focusing it on whatever task you were assigned, but without some sort of obstacle, you found anxiety begin to bubble in your stomach. You weren’t nervous, not for a standard op, you had run through missions like this a handful of times, and you knew what to expect, what you needed to do, this was something else. Were you nervous to work directly with the 141? You had been assigned a posting with them for a little over a year now, but you never worked with them, only ever as the eye in the sky, providing aid only when deemed necessary, this time you would be on the ground with them, working with them, surviving with them.

Your thoughts occupied your time, and when you reached the base you felt like you had only been driving for 5 minutes. 7:47, enough time to sneak in, you weren’t close with the team, not like how they were with each other, they often invited you to the local pub after a successful mission but you always declined, giving them some excuse along the lines of you being too tired to stay out, most of the time they wouldn’t argue, but you could always feel a gaze staring daggers at the back of your head when you decided to not spend time with them. They meant well, you could tell, but you weren’t looking for another person to ask about your history, or why you joined the force, and you certainly weren’t looking for any sympathy, reducing yourself to a life of seclusion outside deployment.

You made your way to the briefing room, stunned to see that almost everyone was already there, everyone except one person, the only other person who found any sort of comfort in the shadows alongside you, the Ghost. Price waited another few minutes while the guys entertained themselves, recalling a few drunken stories they found amusing, Soap explaining to Gaz why he’s banned from 6 separate pubs in Manchester alone. At 7:56 you saw the door open, and the unmistakable mask breeze in, he was hard to miss, tall and broad, but quiet, always quiet. He found his place near the back of the room, settling himself to lean against a desk.

Turning your attention to Price, trying to focus on the information he was presenting, something about a cartel, and illegal weapons trading in Mexico. You couldn’t focus, not with the buzzing in your head, you tried your best, Ghost noticing the way you constantly adjusted your stance to try to hear Price better. Finally, the brief ended, and you could barely remember a thing the Captain had said aside from “meet at the heli deck 1600 hours.” Inching forward to grab a folder from the table so you could actually study what the assignment was, you felt a strong hand grab your elbow. Glancing up, Ghost was there, invading your space.

“You alright Sargeant?”

“Fine Leuitenent, why?”

“You seem agitated or something” He releases his grip on your elbow as he feels your muscles tense.

“Just tired, didn’t sleep well”

“I know the feeling, go rest, you have time” is all he says, and then he leaves.

You stop for a minute, fiddling with the edges of the folder in your hands, the buzzing is gone is all you can think, as you turn around to catch a glimpse of him, but he’s gone. 

For the first time today, your thoughts are clear, no alarm bells, no buzzing, there’s clarity, and you don’t know why. You chalk it up to the difference in humidity, or atmosphere around the base. But even in the clarity, you can’t sleep, you tried, laying down on your cot for nearly an hour, trying to will your body to rest, but it was useless, it’s hard to rest when you’re always in survival mode. Instead, you decide to take your efforts to the gym on base, choosing to put your thoughts to some use and beat the hell out of a punching bag.

Your knuckles are sore, your legs are cramping up, and you can begin to taste iron in your mouth, but none of these stop you. You continue your assault on the oversized bag of sand, forcing every ounce of energy into your punches and kicks.

“Thought I told you to rest” You didn’t hear him come in, but now, standing directly behind you, he’s hard to miss.

You keep facing away from him, centring the bag in front of you. “Couldn’t, thought my time was better spent here”

“You defied a superior's orders then?”

“A suggestion and an order are different Leuitenent”

“You always talk back? Tsk, that’s bad manners love” he asks, raising his arm to settle the bag in front of you, almost commanding your attention.

You turn to face him, finding his body much closer than you thought, you crane your neck to look into his eyes, they’re shrouded in black paint, his face concealed by the skull. 

“You don’t intimidate me, sir”

“Why not, every other bloke on this base is terrified of me,” he says leaning down a little, enough so that you can feel the warmth of his breath over your cheek.

You press your lips to his covered ear, making sure he hears you loud and clear.

“I see right through the mask,” you say, as you pull yourself back to stare into his dark eyes, and for a moment, you swear you see the telltale signs of a smile from the crinkles that form beside his eyes.

“I’ll see you on deck Sargeant” is all he says, striding away from you and down the hallway.

You stand there, breathless, you’ve never spoken to anyone that way, let alone a superior officer, but you won’t let him scare you, at the end of the day he’s just another man, made of flesh and bone, he bleeds the same colour as the rest of them.

You return to your shacks to rinse off whatever sweat you worked up. Stepping out and checking the time, 3:30, shit, how long was I in the shower for. Quickly gathering your necessary equipment for travel you make your way to the deck, only to be greeted by the loud whirring of helicopter blades, and the booming laughter of one Soap Mactavish.

“Ye ready for some fun lass?” Soap asks placing a firm hand on your shoulder.

Before you get the chance to respond Ghost once again appears out of nowhere.

“No time to waste, get packed in”

Soap glances at you but your eyes are set firm on the Leuitenent, while little feelings of anger begin to form in your chest. Removing his hand from your shoulder, Soap steps into the heli and seats himself next to some of the other guys. You situate yourself near the back of the carrier, far enough that no one would attempt to make conversation with you. To your dismay, Ghost plants himself directly next to you, close enough that your knees are forced to touch. You’re willing him to move, and he doesn’t spare a glance in your direction. 

This is gonna be a long ride.

[kiragecko]

cherrystainedknuckles

I guess the only problem with being asked to take a “marie kondo approach” is that in order to find any fanfic that appears to be based in actual canon timeline and plot points and characterization (which does exist, and I’m not sure why fanon fans seem insistent that it doesn’t), I literally have to search for hours. I’m not joking, I consistently make fic rec lists, and I have to search for hours and hours for actual canonical basis. same thing with character tags on tumblr.

I’m not saying fanon fans have to stop enjoying fanon or making up their own content. I’m just saying that when the tags used for both fanon tim drake and canon tim drake are the same tag it just becomes incredibly annoying sometimes, and I understand why people who like to engage with canon (me, often) become frustrated

-

I have definitely had periods where I got incredibly frustrated with fanon! Around 2019, I was wondering if I needed to leave the Batfandom, because it had been so long since I read a new fic where the characters felt 'right'.

-

But, if you're willing to, I'd like you to consider what you mean when you divide 'fanon' from 'canon'. Because I struggle to find a hard line between the two, for several reasons:

1. Fandom is transformative. Every fanfic is going to have some interpretation of the source material. The line between what is too much interpretation and what is acceptable is different for every person. For me, I find it can even vary based on writing style or other odd things - lighthearted fic can have more noncanonical stuff in it than heavier fic, and still seem true to canon.

2. 'Canon' is subjective. I do not consider the movies or video games to be 'canon', and it annoys me when things from those creep into the fic I'm reading. (I'm okay with SOME Battinson.) Some aspects of the cartoons are okay. I consider precrisis Jason Todd to be an alternate reality version, but Donna's precrisis origins are more canonical than the dumb retcons. Wayne Family Adventures isn't my main version of the characters, but I'm not bothered if some elements show up in my stories. I'm ignoring most of the nu52, but I like Duke and I'm still watching this new Lian to see what happens. I doubt your divisions are identical to mine.

(Also, some things that I think of as 'fanon' have shown up in nu52 canon! I do not accept them as any more canon because of this.)

3. Most 'fanon' is based on canon. Canon Tim has weird sleep habits. 90s Dick is really lighthearted and joking around some characters in ways similar to fanon. Dick can canonically not be trusted to take care of himself if his mental health gets low enough. Jason likes classical literature. Etc.

These are exaggerated and/or twisted in a lot of fic, but where is the line where they stop being canon? I wouldn't bat an eye at a lot of this stuff, if it didn't show up SO OFTEN.

4. Most 'fanon fans' do know some canon. What line are you going to set where it will be 'enough'. And are they allowed to mention parts of the canon they haven't read yet? Is anyone allowed to talk about Dick's early Robin days, or only the tiny amount of people who have read the golden age stuff? A lot of the 'mistakes' I see are obviously made by people who have read ABOUT canon, but don't know quite how it fits together.

5. 'Canon' is FULL of contradictions. Yes, there are canon events. Yes, there is characterization that is consistent across 3/4s of comics. But. I'm still working on my sidekick timeline. I've devoted days to figuring out ages and passage of time. I've spent over a decade trying to figure out Jason Todd's motivations, and why Tim treats him the way he does. I've read all the 90s and early 2000s CANONICAL character assassination of Jason.

I spent years thinking that Donna's death was almost as foundational as Jason's, only to later discover that I had just happened to read the specific comics that focused on the fallout, and she only stayed dead for a short time. That happens to fans ALL THE TIME! We read a character summarizing an event we haven't directly read, and just accept it as what happened. But characters have biases, and not all writers care about accuracy.

-

I've read some Tim Drakes that I consider to be almost entirely 'fanon'. And quite a few that were so scarily 'canon' that I got chills. (Not all of which were similar to each other.) But the vast, vast majority have fallen somewhere in the middle.

I definitely do not want the responsibility of deciding which ones count as 'canon'! And I think I would strongly dislike anyone who tried to decide for me.

Being frustrated is logical, and I empathize. But the original post was about the impossible expectations some fans feel. The expectation to read thousands of comics, synthesize all the contradictions, and come to conclusions that match the 'true fans'. That's a perfectly reasonable thing to be complaining about.

If that's what some fans are experiencing, of course they're not going to want to engage with canon! There's no way for them to succeed, so why should they even try?

When you join THAT conversation to discuss your frustration about fanon, it strengthens that perception. When you call them 'fanon fans' it emphasizes their belief that you don't think they belong. And rather than trying to change, it's more likely that they'll double down. Canon is full of gatekeepers, so they'll avoid it.

[kickthecan-revolution]

A long time ago when Trump was first in office, I had a sustained two week anxiety attack, convinced we were going to experience a significant war and I had to be prepared. I’d just gotten a big bonus and I spent a ton of it on survivor gear - all of those buckets of rice, beans, dehydrated food, camping gear, solar lights - so much more. I made go bags for work, my car and home. The primary one was stolen when I first moved in here via a break in where thieves stole a lot of stuff people were storing in the garage. The backpack was in my parking spot - poof, gone.

I lugged so much of it here - over the years I’ve slowly simplified it but I’ve been a little afraid to let all of it go. it started this habit of buying extras - why not buy three Justin’s boxes of peanut butter packets even though I only need one? Why not have five ketchups so I never run out?

When R was here organizing, I *saw* it - all of the canned food that had expired, all of the stuff I was keeping in the pantry that I didn’t use because I didn’t even know I had it. She gently said “if you feel like you want to bake cookies, you can just zip over to the store and buy flour.” Part of it was never having enough food when we were little - we could afford it, my mom just never bought enough for us. It’s why I’d drive around on Christmas looking for snack food before all the kids came over. Granted, that could be my food insecurity speaking and my filter was grounded from that, it’s a very likely possibility.

Anyway. R is coming back for my last infusion bringing her BFF A who is an organizer and a professional chef. She’s going to organize so much of my stuff but the deal is, I only have what I really want to keep, consider getting rid of the extras of things I don’t need (including three spatulas, etc) and focusing on keeping what I love and use for myself every week instead of all of the imaginary dinner parties I throw in my head. So that’s what I’ve done today, after…11 hours of sleep? I’ve been slowly whittling it all down and it feels so great. I’m 90% done. It’s not as much as I thought but it’s just so good to let it go.

My surgery is tentatively scheduled for October 01, pending what happens with this biopsy on Friday. That feels lightning fast. My last chemo infusion is next Wednesday - I’m not going to lie, I’m afraid of it based on this last one, I was so debilitated by the fatigue, I had more hair shedding than usual, no appetite and the peripheral neuropathy was hard so I’m going to try to freeze my hands and feet during the infusion to prevent it. It has definitely lessened, thank God but it’s not gone away entirely. It can take a long time.

I cry so frequently these days, even writing that it’s the last one. I’ve held it all together for five months, and I can feel the emotional and mental reserves I’ve leaned on to that beginning to crumble. That’s probably good. Things are starting to get……thin when I’m sleeping. My dreams are wild and I heard repeated knocking three times last night. My cats were on high alert. I pit myself in a golden bubble and reminded myself that I live in a building where people could be knocking at other doors, not likely at 3am but it helped. I stayed up until 4:30am watching The Office and then slept hard until 9am.

I’m numb when I think of the MRI biopsy on Friday, two of my worst things happening at the same time is like a cruel joke (biopsies aren’t painful but just traumatic waiting for the results). I’m strong - I can and will do this. And then chemo, and then the surgery which completely freaks me out - I have a massive fear of “going under” - and then I’ll know what happens after those biopsies come back.

In talking about work, my oncologist recommend that I extend my leave of absence to at least March of next year. The neuropathy is concerning her as are my cognitive tests, and I think for a living. She reminded me how they have taken my body to the point of decline where the basics work but there’s a lot of damage. And the mental damage of all of the biopsies on top of that, she thinks I need time. I agree with her. So I’m going to pursue that, it means I live on a lot less and I don’t think I am guaranteed a job when I go back but I’m not worried about that.

[starlight-library]

Romeo & Romeo | AL x MS

pairing: mafia!mick schumacher x arthur leclerc

summary: one is from mercedes and a mafia prince. the other is the youngest brother to the mafia prince of ferrari. arthur is suppose to steer clear of the mafia world as a whole and mick is suppose to just follow his big brother, lewis', footsteps. yet worlds collide. now, they have to decide on their loyalty to their families or follow their hearts.

warning: nothing for this part chapter???

wc: 2.3K

a/n: for @norrisleclercf1 since I gave you the brain worms I must pay the brain worm toll. mafia au!

Monaco is a gorgeous city that has a lot of tourists come and go. Celebrities too. Even at night, the nightlife was so lively. There was always something to do and you truly couldn’t get bored. It was also the biggest city for the top ten mafias in the entire world. As much as Monaco was beautiful it was also highly dangerous when you start poking around too much. Arthur wasn’t stupid. He knew that and prided himself on the fact. He knew what his brother does for work and what “family” he worked for. It wasn’t hard given all the men coming in and out of the house in their suits. The late night conversations. The nights Charles came home bruised and bloodied. How he always cursed the other families, the negotiations, all of it. Arthur knew but he didn’t say anything. For Charles’ sake. 

Like right now. 

Charles mentioned something about going out tonight and Arthur locked himself in his room to finish his homework. Arthur was hunched over his desk, eyes burning, and he’s .5 seconds ready from ripping his homework up and failing the assignment. 

‘Need to fix my car. Wanna help?-OB

Arthur reads the text before looking at the time. It’s close to 10:30 and Arthur knows he should stay in and finish his homework. He’s so close to being done that if he just sat and focused he could finish it before midnight and actually get more than 4 hours of sleep and that sounded…so nice. Bringing his gaze to his homework, Arthur feels his frustration spike. Sure, his assignment isn’t due till the end of the week but his professor (who’s never liked him because Arthur isn’t tolerating any of his bullshit) has basically axed his entire design and had Arthur start from the beginning. The memories make Arthur grit his teeth and he’s half tempted to bitch to Charles but he isn’t sure how that would end so Arthur replies. 

’Meet you there-AL’ 

Standing up, Arthur changes. He throws on some jeans and a t-shirt and a hoodie. He grabs his keys, phone, wallet, and headphones. Shoving them into his pockets, he makes his way downstairs. He looks up quickly and throws a hand up to his brother. “Hi Charlie,” he starts as he heads to the door and stops before promptly turning. “Oh Charlie,” Arthur stares at his older brother, surprised, “What are you doing at home? I thought you were going out?”

“I am.” His brother glances at Arthur and frowns, “where are you going? It’s almost,” checking his watch, “10:30 in the night. You know better than to go out at this hour. You should be getting ready for bed instead of going out, you know how dangerous it is to go out at this hour.” Turning to face his younger brother, he crosses his arms over his chest, “you better have a good reason for wanting to go out this late.”

“Ollie wanted to see the new Beetlejuice movie,” Arthur answers easily. His heart hurts lying to his brother but he knows if Charles found out the truth of where Arthur was really going, Arthur would never see the light of day again besides uni. Even that would probably mean more security, “he just finished his homework and there’s one more showing in about 20 minutes.” Before Charles could speak, Arthur jumps in, “it’s right by 4 Clover.” There was a silent understanding of what that meant.

That meant the theater was in neutral grounds, just like 4 Clover and the university. That meant Arthur should be safe and if anyone dared to do something they’d be breaking an agreement that all the families had agreed upon and that is something Arthur didn’t want to envision.

Arthur clasps his hands gently behind his back while the silence really settles between them. Studying his brother’s face, Arthur knew that Charles was mulling it over. On one hand, it was late and Arthur wouldn’t deny that and Charles loves Ollie like a little brother too which meant the idea of both Arthur and Ollie being out this late with no protection and supervision was eating at him. On the other hand, Charles was pushing for Arthur to have a normal life which meant stuff like this. Late night movies, bites, partying (though Arthur never had time with his classes, homework, and work). Charles sighs and Arthur holds his breath.

“Fine,” Charles finally says, “you may go to the movies with Ollie but.” Charles looks pointedly at Arthur, “you call me if anything happens and I mean anything. Even if someone looks at you funny, you call me. I also expect you to come home straight after the movie. It’ll be well after midnight and you’re already pushing it by going out this late. Understood?”

“Yes,” Arthur says. He’s careful not to sound too excited. He doesn’t want to raise any suspicion and Charles tells him no or worse, follows him. He smiles at his brother as he nods, “I understand. Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow morning, probably. Just—be careful, please?” Arthur asks as he moves to the front door. All that earns is a nod and grunt from Charles and Arthur slips out the door before Charles decides to revoke this rare gratitude and leniency he’s spared on Arthur.

Parking three blocks down Arthur gets down and locks his car. Pulling his hood up Arthur walks the three blocks to an abandoned garage strip. Looking at the doors he mumbles to himself before seeing a light. He knocks on the side door three times and waits till it’s cracked open and Arthur is greeted by brunette hair and the familiar sunshine smile before the door is open and Arthur slinks in and closes it behind him. “Hey,” Arthur takes his hood off as he follows Ollie back over to the black chrome Ferrari Ollie was currently working on.

“Hey yourself! Glad you could make it tonight. Was it easy?”

“No,” Arthur sighs as he plops down on a swivel stool that they kept around. Pushing himself gently, he stops next to Ollie who is back under the hood of his car, “Charles was still home oddly enough. I could have sworn he was leaving around 10 but guess it got pushed back or something,” shaking his head, Arthur runs his fingers through his hair, “told him we were seeing the new Beetlejuice movie tonight and he wants me home right after so I think I can spare about…an hour and thirty?”

Ollie nods slightly and chuckles softly while blindly reaching for something. Thankfully, Arthur knows and offers the headlamp to Ollie which he accepts. “Well, I shouldn’t need anything more than an hour tops?” Glancing at Arthur as he puts the headlamp on, “are you hungry? We could get food before we head home.”

“I would like that actually.” Arthur smiles at Ollie, “so what happened this time?”

“Well, I was due for an oil change for starters,” Ollie explains, “but something’s rattling around in here.” Making a face, “I’m convinced someone came in here and dropped some shit in here to fuck with me,” he grumbles as he continues to see what is making the noise in his car, “how are classes?”

“Well, I was due for an oil change for starters,” Ollie explains, “but something’s rattling around in here.” Making a face, “I’m convinced someone came in here and dropped some shit in here to fuck with me,” he grumbles as he continues to see what is making the noise in his car, “how are classes?”

Arthur lets a grunt out at the question before going on a tangent about his shitty professor and how he has to start his entire assignment. It then turned into a rant about how this professor has always had it out for him when Arthur had called the professor out last semester. It was something stupid, Arthur can’t even remember what it was, and from there the professor had it out for him and Arthur refused to just put up with it silently and the battle has only continued into this semester.

Arthur’s so invested in his ranting that he misses the voices growing closer to the garage. He stops when the door is flung open and a boy with curly brunette hair is semi tossed in. Arthur immediately stands as the second figure steps in though he’s not looking as he closes the door. When the figure turns, Arthur feels like the world freezes. Compared to the curly hair, this guy was taller. Maybe roughly 5’9. He’s got blonde hair and the prettiest blue eyes he’s ever seen. Truly, Arthur finds it impossible to stop staring at the other. Glancing at his clothes, he sees that he’s just in jeans and a t-shirt but he eyes the sleek black helmet he has before looking back and they lock eyes.

“Um,” the blonde starts and Arthur nearly swoons hearing the German accent, “This is not our garage.”

“No shit,” the shorter male looking Arthur up and down as Arthur glances when Ollie snaps his head to look at them before coming out from under the hood.

“Hey guys, no no it’s okay,” Ollie laughs softly. “No worries. Mistakes happen, I’ve accidentally wandered into your garage once or twice.” Gesturing to the blonde’s helmet, “going for a ride?”

“Uh yeah, yeah we are.”

“Well, be careful.” Arthur isn’t sure what possessed him to speak but he can’t stop now, “it’s that time for cops to make quota so they’re out more often. Especially at night.”

“Oh! Thank you for the heads up, that’s really good to know.” The blonde extends his hand and Arthur melts seeing him smile. It’s soft, bright, friendly and a bit goofy but also reminds Arthur of a golden retriever almost, “I’m Mick.”

Shaking his hand, “Arthur.”

“Well, nice to meet you Arthur.”

“You too.” A bit of an awkward silence falls between them and they can hear Ollie teasing Kimi for needing a babysitter. Arthur clears his throat before Mick is speaking again, “so do you…” gesturing to Ollie’s car, Arthur understood what Mick was trying to say.

“Oh, no, I just watch and help Ollie.” Glancing at the Brit for a quick moment, “when he lets me touch his baby.” 

The two chuckles while Mick nods, “ah I see.”

“Uh, you ride?” Arthur asks.

“Oh! Yeah I do, actually. I keep extras in the garage to fix up. Have you ever ridden?”

“No, actually. I haven’t. Never met anyone who rode a bike.”

“Would you like to?”

Arthur stares at Mick a bit dumbfounded. He wasn’t expecting Mick to offer a ride considering they just met though he would be lying if he said he wasn’t excited. Not only would get to be a backpack for someone but he would be a backpack for a very cute boy. Though he remembers Charles' words and the time crunch he was on. He also did not need one of his brother’s “friends” seeing him and reporting back to Charles and suddenly Arthur is now under extra surveillance. “Oh, thank you so much for the offer but I can’t tonight,” his heart hurts seeing the slight disappointment that crosses over Mick’s face.

 Quickly fishing his phone out of his pocket, Arthur holds it out with a smile, “but if you put your number in my phone, we could go another time.”

Arthur smiles as Mick lights up like a child on Christmas as he takes the phone to add his contact in. When Arthur gets his phone back, he adds a dog emoji next to his name before sending a quick text so Mick has his number.

“Mick! Let's go.”

Mick turns and glares at the younger male for a moment before sighing and looking back at Arthur, “text me what days or times work for you, okay?” Mick is walking backwards towards the door and is almost out before turning, “also text me when you get home, please? Since the cops are out.”

Arthur swears it’s 30 degrees hotter in this garage suddenly and judging by the snicker Ollie gives him, he’s blushing, “Yeah! Yeah I will. Be safe.”

“I will,” Mick smiles before leaving the garage.

Arthur stares at the space Mick was just occupying as a small grin forms on his face. He turns slightly, “He’s…really sweet.”

“Oh my god, gross.” Ollie teases. “Don’t tell me you’re already crushing on him.”

“I–no!” Arthur’s voice goes up a bit, “I just–he’s really sweet and cute and hot and rides a bike and shut up so we can get food!” Ollie laughs as he returns to work on his car, teasing Arthur who swears he is not crushing on the German before the duo were debating what to eat for dinner.

Arthur gets home five minutes before midnight. After getting ready for bed he texts Mick that he’s home before crawling into bed. Staring at his ceiling, Arthur replays the conversation in his head over and over and over. He just cannot get over how blue Mick’s eyes are or how fluffy his hair looks or how he has a breathtaking smile or how he just lights up a room when he enters. Arthur lets out a content sigh with a smile on his face before his eyes widen and he covers his face.

He can’t like Mick given his ties to the Ferrari family. Arthur couldn’t live with himself if Mick ended up getting hurt all because of Arthur’s last name. Grabbing a pillow, he covered his face and groaned into it as reality set in and weighed on him. This was something he could not entertain no matter how much he wanted to for the safety of Mick and it was smart to end it now before Arthur fell deeper.

Why was his luck so shitty?

[d1xonss]

Desert Rose

Chapter 47 ~ Infected

✧ Pairing : Daryl Dixon x Rose

✧ Era : Season 4

✧ Word Count : 5k

In this chapter ~ All was well in the early morning, until the group discovers chaos breaking out in one of the cellblocks, leading to many deaths that none of them were prepared for. They soon discover an illness is beginning to spread, needing to act on it fast before it only got worse.

I woke up the next morning with Daryl's arms still wrapped protectively around my waist whilst my head rested against his chest. I easily could've let myself laugh at how hard he was sleeping, he was practically knocked out cold. It wasn't too early in the morning, I could tell, but I knew nobody else would be up yet at this hour. The sun was just barely beginning to rise.

After slowly allowing myself to wake, I tried to cautiously worm my way out of his hold so I could shower before everyone else started to get up for the day. It was never a fun thing when the bathroom was constantly crowded. But right as I was sitting on the edge of the bed and about to stand, familiar arms wrapped around me again and pulled me back into him with ease. I laughed quietly at his movements, my back was now pressed against his chest.

"No." he muttered into my neck.

"We have to get ready eventually." I pointed out, knowing the long day we had planned ahead of us.

He left a few light kisses on my neck before saying, "Yeah, eventually meanin...eventually." he spoke in a slow, teasing manner.

I smiled, "Well, I wanted to take a shower this morning before anyone else woke up."

That caused him to perk up quite quickly, and I could feel him pull away so he was sat up on his elbows. I turned to look at him over my shoulder and gave him an innocent smile.

He raised his eyebrows, "I'll meet cha there." he said with a wink.

That made my eyes sparkle as I eagerly nodded my head before getting up and heading towards the showers. I was lost in my own little world as I walked past a few cell clocks, the echoing of my footsteps being the only thing I could hear in the odd silence. I began going over in my head about what I had to get done that day, also hoping to catch a glimpse Michonne at least once more before she was most likely going to head out again. Knowing she wouldn't be staying long. But what I was really focused on is how I wouldn't be showering alone this morning, and that brought a smirk to my face.

Though my thoughts then cut short suddenly when I heard a weird sound coming from down the hallway I walked past, making me stop for a moment and backtrack a few steps as I paused to listen. The darkened hallway led to a separate cellblock, and I could've sworn the noise sounded just like a walker, but I didn't want to freak out if it was nothing as I remained calm. I slowly took out the knife I always had on me and followed slowly to where the distant sound was coming from. 

But then my heart stopped beating completely. There were screams.

I quickly broke into a sprint, my feet not being able to carry me there fast enough, and when I saw what it looked like in the cellblock, I could've sworn my heart fell clean out of my chest. There were walkers everywhere surrounding the space, hearing others screaming at the top of their lungs while a few kids held onto each other for dear life.

I recognized Lizzy and Mika standing the closest to me, a walker was about to attack them as they screamed and gripped onto each other tightly. I quickly threw my knife into the walker's skull and it fell down in an instant, their heads whipping toward me the second they saw it go down.

My arm reached out as I pulled the two of them aside, "Are you bit?" I asked as my eyes scanned them.

They both shook their heads frantically and I had to act fast, "Go get anyone you can find, okay? Tell them what's happening. Hurry!" I yelled, pushing them to safety and they were off faster than I had ever seen them run.

I turned my attention back to the chaos in front of me and took down as many walkers as I could. Trying my best to get the kids around me to safety, telling them to stick together and run out the second they saw an opportunity. I couldn't believe the disaster that unfolded in just a matter of minutes it seemed like. So much death, so much destruction. And so, so much blood. A scene straight out of a horror movie.

My feet rushed up the stairs to the remaining cells and instantly spotted another walker trying to grab ahold of an older man, causing me to throw my knife at it in record speed before it got the chance. As it fell, he looked at me gratefully and I nodded at him in return, telling him frantically to get somewhere safe as I ushered him down the steps.

I looked back to my right to see a few kids crying in the cell, and I shut the door with a slam so they would have a little more protection from the walkers that still lingered in the area. I killed two more of them that were coming at me in the narrow walkway, and it was then and only then I heard heavy footsteps stomping inside the cellblock, my name being called out only seconds later.

Daryl and Rick both simultaneously yelled for me as they had barely passed through the entrance, "I'm here! Protect the others, I'm okay!" I yelled back as I stabbed another walker, the blood splattering all over the wall in front of me.

The screams never stopped, and the dead bodies only seemed to triple in the few minutes that passed by. I helped a few more kids down the stairs so they could make it out safely, and I double checked the cells around me to make sure there were no more dead ones that I had missed on the top floor. 

And while I didn't come across another, I found one of our people laying there lifeless in his bed, his stomach torn open to shreds. It was devastating, but I knew I couldn't let him turn, taking in a breath before leaning down to stab him in the head with a heavy heart. The noise outside only seemed to die down and all you could hear now was people catching their breaths as the remaining dead seemed to finally be taken care of.

My pace picked up again as I heard my name being called once more, rushing down the steps before I was instantly pulled aside by Daryl. "Ya okay? Are ya bit?" he asked frantically.

I took in a breath as I nodded, "I'm okay." I confirmed as he brought me into a tight hug.

I held onto him for a few moments, regaining my composure as I tried to steady my racing heart. Thinking back to how fast it all seemed to happen. My eyes then traveled towards Rick who approached the two of us, silently nodding to him to show him I was fine. He visibly sighed in relief and placed a hand on my shoulder as we looked around at all the dead bodies that filled cellblock D.

There was blood everywhere, coating the floors, the walls, similar to when we first had to clean this place up. People were crying from every corner of the room as they saw the amount of people we just lost, somehow the disaster only getting worse as they saw some of their family members get ripped apart right in front of them.

Eventually we managed to clear the entire place, making sure that all the people we found...didn't come back. It was hard looking at all the dead bodies that surrounded the floors and I felt myself frown when we found Patrick, the familiar face that I talked to only yesterday. I didn't know the kid that well, but it never ceased to amaze me how quickly someone can be taken away like its nothing.

It seemed as though the incident at the Big Spot only caused everything else to snowball into something much bigger.

Rick's voice then echoed around the space, calling the rest of us to the top floor as he was down on his knees, inspecting a body on the floor. We all gathered around the tight space quickly, looking down to see it was someone unrecognizable to me with blood coming out of their mouth and eyes. I cringed at the sight as Dr. S took a closer look at the body, getting down to its level to see what might've caused it.

"No bites, no wounds, I think he just died." Rick voiced out loud as he glanced over it for the final time.

"Horribly too," Dr. S stated, "Pleurisy aspiration."

I blinked a few times in confusion, "English please."

"Choked to death on his own blood." Hershel clarified from next to me.

I grimaced, "Jesus." 

"I've seen them before on a walker outside," Rick stated, "A few of them had the same thing when they were lined up along the fences."

"We saw 'em on Patrick too." Daryl said.

Dr. S sighed to himself as he sat up, "They're from the internal lung pressure building up...like if you shake a soda can and pop the top. Only imagine your eyes, ears, nose, and throat are the top."

"Is it a sickness from the walkers?" I asked.

He shook his head, "No, these things happened before they were around. Could be pneumococcal, most likely an aggressive flu strain."

"Someone locked him in just in time." Hershel said.

Daryl shook his head, "Nah man, Charlie used to sleepwalk, locked himself in. Hell, he was eatin barbecue yesterday. How can somebody die in a day just from a cold?"

"I had a sick pig, it died quick. Saw a sick boar in the woods." Rick said.

"Pigs and birds, that's how these things spread in the past. We need to do something about those hogs." Hershel said.

"Maybe we got lucky. Maybe these two cases are it." Dr. S spoke hopefully.

I tried not to roll my eyes, "Yeah, I wouldn't hold my breath." I muttered sarcastically.

"All of us in here, we've all been exposed." Hershel said sadly, slowly looking back towards me as if he could feel the worry already radiating off of me.

I cursed under my breath and had to step out of the cell, pulling my hair to the side as I began to do the one thing I shouldn't: Think. I wasn't worried about myself at all, that's not the reason I was suddenly overwhelmed. It was the fact that some of the people I cared about the absolute most had now been exposed to this. Were now at risk of catching it. I couldn't even fathom the idea of losing any of them right now.

"We should set up a council meeting to talk about this." Rick suggested, coming out with the others, "I'm gonna go talk to Carl first." he announced, and we all seemed to wordlessly nod in return.

Only about an hour passed as the news about what happened had spread fast, a couple of council members gathered around in the library, talking about the sudden new outbreak. What we planned to do next was still completely unknown to us, and the unknown was a terrifying place.

We didn't know anything. How fast the illness can spread, what would be the cure, how we could stop it from reaching anyone else, we truly didn't know a damn thing. Though something we were well aware of was how dangerous it could be, risking all of our lives in the process of trying to figure everything out.

My leg bounced anxiously under the table as I was sat between Daryl and Glenn, my mind racing as I thought about the potential outcome of this.

"Patrick was fine yesterday, and he died overnight. Two people died that quick? We'll have to separate everyone that's been exposed." Carol said.

"That's everyone in that cell block," Daryl stated, "That's all of us...maybe more."

Hershel took a breath, "We know that this sickness can be lethal, we don't know how easy it spreads. Is anyone else showing symptoms that we know of?"

Daryl's eyes glanced over at me, how easily he could tell I was spacing off with millions of thoughts running through my head. I then felt the warmth of his hand on my knee that was bouncing moments ago, stopping my movements before giving it a reassuring squeeze. This made me look up at him and all I saw was a small smile on his face, but it seemed forced, and I knew he was worried just as much as I was.

"We can't just wait and see, there's children. It isn't just the illness, people die, they become a threat." Carol with clear urgency.

The older man thought for a minute before saying, "We need a place for them to go, they can't stay in D. We can't risk going in there to clean it up."

I spoke up for the first time, "We can use cellblock A." I suggested.

"Death row? I'm not sure that's much of an upgrade." Glenn muttered.

"It's clean. That's an upgrade." Daryl defended, "Do ya think that'll work for Dr, S?" he asked Hershel.

He nodded, "I'll help Caleb get it set up there."

He looked like he was about to say more, but we all were stunned to silence when we heard some rough coughing coming from the hallway. Everyone's ears perked up and soon we all stood in the doorway with our heads poking out to see who it was. My face fell a little when I saw Ty and Karen making their way down the hall, Karen holding a tissue to her face as she continued to cough, not being able to catch her breath easily.

I heard Ty whisper, "You okay?" and she only nodded her head in response, before letting out another raspy cough.

I then stepped out with furrowed brows, "Are you sure? That doesn't sound too good."

Ty gave me a reassuring smile, "I'm just taking her back to my cell so she can rest, it's okay Rose."

"Tyreese, I don't think that's a good idea." Hershel spoke.

"Why, what's going on now?" Karen asked.

There was a beat of silence and no one really knew how to approach it. And at this point we were all standing in the hallway with them, our worried expressions now on full display. It was clear none of us wanted to be blunt, but we kind of had to for them to know how serious this was.

Glenn eventually bit the bullet, "We think it's a flu or something, it's how Patrick died." 

"Judith is in that cellblock, she's vulnerable. Anyone that may be sick, or even exposed should stay away." Hershel advised.

My heart dropped when I heard him say her name. I couldn't even think about her getting sick let alone losing her forever, the thought alone nearly killed me.

"It killed Patrick?" Karen asked worriedly.

"Hey, hey, it's going to be okay." Tyreese was quick to reassure her before turning back to us, "Now that we know what Patrick died from, we can treat it right?" 

"Don't panic, we're going to figure this out. But we should keep you separated in the meantime. We'll have Caleb take a look at you and I'll see what we have in the way of medications." Hershel said with a nod.

Karen thought for a moment before saying, "David from the Decatur group; he's been coughing too."

"I'll get him." Glenn offered before turning towards me, "There's some empty clean cells in the tunnels, right?" he asked.

"Yeah, there should be." I said absentmindedly.

He nodded, giving my arm a squeeze before walking down the hall to track David down and break the news to him. Sasha then got her brother's attention, offering to lead them into a cell where Karen could be looked at and they seemed to follow her there without hesitation.

"We'll have to call another meeting later like Rick wanted." Hershel said to the ones who remained.

I nodded at him, "Okay." I muttered.

He looked at me for a moment longer than usual before placing a comforting hand on my shoulder, "It'll be alright, dear." he whispered.

I sighed before placing my hand on top of his as I nodded, mustering the best smile I could right now before watching him walk away, leaving the three of us.

My eyes panned back up to notice Carol spacing off, "You okay?" I asked to get her attention.

"I'm worried about Lizzy and Mika...they were around Patrick." she said.

"We all were." Daryl stated, "But it'll be fine...Karen and David are gonna be separated till they feel better."

She nodded, "You're right. I'm gonna head out to check on them now." she said with a small smile before walking away just like the rest.

I leaned up against the wall across from him and sighed as my eyes fluttered closed. It seemed like we were finally getting our lives together, and now this illness was killing multiple people at a time in just a few hours. It practically tore everything down that we tried so hard to rebuild.

"Aye," Daryl's voice cut in, "What's goin on in that pretty head of yours?" he asked while stepping up to come closer to me.

I rolled my eyes slightly at the question, "You know what I'm thinking about, you can read me like a book...it's annoying."

He chuckled a little, "Yeah, I know...tell me anyway."

My hand reached up to pinch the bridge of my nose, "I'm just worried about everyone. All the people in that cellblock, the rest of us, the kids, Judith...you. I- I don't want to lose anyone else." I said sadly.

His expression morphed into concern as he walked closer to me and placed a hand on the side of my face, "Hey, it's gonna be alright. We're gonna get through this, we always do."

I nodded, "I know... it just sucks right now. You know, when we don't know shit about something and then some people have to die for us to eventually figure it out." He nodded in understanding. "Just...don't leave me, okay?" I said barely above a whisper.

I knew it sounded pathetic, and hell, maybe it was. But the last thing I wanted was to be alone right now. And the haunting feeling of losing him still lingered in the back of my mind.

He shook his head quickly, "Never." he promised before leaning in to kiss me gently.

I felt myself practically melt at the gesture as I allowed myself to have somewhat of a peaceful moment with him. A part of me felt bad that I needed his reassurance most of the time, but at the same time, I don't think he minded in the slightest. Clearly, he was in it for the long haul.

When we broke apart, he leaned down to rest his forehead against mine, "M' gonna start buryin our people."

I nodded slowly, "Okay. But where a mask, gloves...please stay safe."

"I will." he said as he rubbed his thumb along my bottom lip before kissing me briefly once more, then pulling away fully to head out and take care of everything.

I stood in that eerie hallway longer than I would ever like to admit, lost in my own thoughts with my arms wrapped around my middle. At this point, overthinking should become another one of my hobbies. I knew it was okay to worry, but I was going to start going bald soon if I kept my mind running constantly. At least that thought was enough to bring a small laugh out of me.

Eventually, I slowly made my way out of the hall and towards the cells where I knew Glenn was headed to. I stopped by and helped him clean out as many of them as possible just in case more people came in feeling sick suddenly. He accepted my help gratefully as he was nearly finished with the first one, both of us just needing something to do as somewhat of a distraction.

Though I noticed something small when the silence overcame us. We were changing some sheets on one of the mattresses when I noticed how he seemed to be breathing a bit heavier than before, trying to subtly wipe the sweat off of his forehead. No. No way.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked.

He looked up at me in slight surprise, like a deer in headlights almost. "Yeah?" he breathed, "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, all we're doing is changing some sheets, and you're acting as if you just ran a marathon." I pointed out.

He huffed out a small laugh, "I'm okay Ro, really." he said with a wave of his hand, turning his gaze back down to tuck in his end of the bedding.

Though I kept staring at him in concern, I wasn't convinced in the slightest and he noticed, "Seriously...I'm okay." he tried again.

Eventually, I gave in and nodded my head as we continued on. Maybe I was just reading too much into everyone's moves right now since the situation was so severe, but I didn't want to take any chances. However, I never missed out of the corner of my eye, I would catch him wiping more sweat off of his face and glance over to see if I noticed. I always did, but he never seemed to catch on.

Once the two of us finally finished cleaning up the cells, I informed him I was going to go outside and get some air. We had been in the stuffy small rooms for far too long and it felt like I couldn't breathe, especially now with all the sick people air floating around.

The moment I stepped outside, the sun shined brightly down on my face and a relieved smile crossed my features. My eyes automatically closed as I tried to focus on the vitamin D I was receiving, but when I opened them again, I looked around and saw everyone's depressed faces. It was so much quieter today than it has been in a very long time, leaving everyone's spirits a little more crushed. My smile faded once again, and I noticed some were crying at the loss of their loved ones this morning. Shit this was heartbreaking.

My gaze then traveled out onto the field to see Rick and Daryl having a seemingly serious conversation. Ricks hands being firmly planted on his hips were a dead giveaway. But I wanted to check on him, having not seen him since this morning and I knew he was on edge just like everyone else. Even though he was no longer the so called "leader" anymore, I knew a part of him still felt responsible for this sort of thing.

As I got closer and further into the grass, I still couldn't make out what they were saying, but once Rick heard my footsteps, he turned around to face me. I gave him a small smile as I opened my mouth to say something, but then stopped short once I saw Daryl had his bandana dropped below his chin as he continued to dig.

"Hey," I called out to him, watching as he turned to face me the moment he heard my voice. I made a motion like I was pulling the mask up and he got the hint, pulling the cloth back over his face. Annoyance was still brewing in me however as I felt I hadn't gotten my point across yet, walking closer to smack him on the back of the head.

"Ow," he muttered, "What was that for?" I could hear him ask, although it was muffled by the material in front of his mouth.

"You told me you were going to be safe, and I find you out here with the mask down as you're burying the bodies." I spoke

He rubbed the spot where I hit him, "I was talkin to Rick, woman." he said defensively.

I raised an eyebrow and gave him a pointed look, "Sorry." he muttered quickly as he ducked his head, turning back to continue digging.

"Mhm." I hummed before turning back to Rick, seeing his lips pressed together as he tried not to laugh at the two of us, to which I rolled my eyes. "How're you doing?"

"Worried." he said simply, his brow creasing as he spoke, "And...I don't know. I don't think I should have a call on making this decision." 

"Rick, you've earned it." 

Daryl suddenly whipped around and pointed towards me, "That's what I said." he spoke excitedly.

"Ah, great minds think alike." I smiled before looking back towards Rick, "But seriously, you have. I'm not saying you should take all that responsibility back on your own, but at least be a part of it. We still need you; you know?" I said, gently nudging his arm with mine.

He smiled small at my reassurance, though he still looked to be on the fence about everything as a whole. But he didn't have the chance to respond even if he wanted to, as the next thing that was heard was a panicked yell that belonged to Maggie.

"Guys!" she screamed to get our attention, pointing back to one of the fences that the walkers were piling up on. We all saw how it was about to fall over with the amount of them pushing on it, bending it over as they practically crawled on top of each other to try and make it on the other side.

"Son of a bitch." I cursed and wasted no time running towards the fence, the other two hot on my heels.

As we ran closer and closer, I grabbed one of the crowbars that were lined up with the other weapons for killing them, in case things went south. Maggie frantically told us that the various noise recently only drew them closer and now this part of the fence was going to give out in a matter of seconds. Glenn, Sasha, and Ty came running quickly after us the moment they saw what was going down, and we all together tried to pick them off.

I stabbed through their heads harshly, watching one by one as they fell to the ground, everyone else scattering around as they did the same. Daryl stood back slightly as he shot bolts through their heads, but it hardly looked like any of us were making any progress. There was too many of them for us to even begin to make a dent through.

All of a sudden Sasha called out, "Are you seeing this?" causing us all to stop momentarily to see what she was talking about.

I stood on one side of her, and my mouth fell open at the amount of dead rats that were left by part of the fence. They all were missing heads as the rest of their bodies were still intact which confused me yet made me sick at the same time. That alone explained how the walker build-up happened all at once and so fast, the hunger they felt overtaking them as they smelled the fresh blood.

"Is someone feeding these things?" she asked.

"I don't know." I muttered with widened eyes.

The fence then suddenly started squeaking more as they shoved their way though, "Heads up!" Daryl yelled as he watched from a distance.

We all quickly went back to our spots to take each of them out once more, but far too many of them began using all their weight on it as it was leaning further into us. At this rate it was going to give out with the number of dead ones surrounding it. We stopped trying to kill them once the realization hit all of us, beginning to push the fence back all together so it wouldn't completely collapse. We weren't successful however, and they were still too strong.

"Back up, back up! It's coming down!" Daryl yelled as he quickly yanked me back to where he was standing, the rest jumping back in shock.

"The fence keeps bending in like that, those walkers are coming over it." Sasha said frantically.

Rick's eyes darted around as his mind continued to spiral, though suddenly, a lightbulb appeared on top of his head. He called for Daryl, nodding for him to follow as he rushed back towards the entrance as I hoped he had some kind of plan. The rest of us were left to fight them off until the last possible second. 

Sweat pooled on my skin and my muscles ached as I held up a part of the fence while Maggie killed the ones off right next to my head. I felt my arms begin to shake as my body grew far more tired than I wanted it to, gritting my teeth together as I planted my feet down in attempts to steady myself. But the weight suddenly seemed to subside a bit, looking over to see Tyreese on my right, helping me hold up my end as he clearly saw me struggling. He gave me a small smile in the process, causing me to look over at him with nothing but gratitude.

My head then lifted as I watched a familiar truck peel out of the front gates, Rick sitting in the bed of it while Daryl drove like a bat out of hell towards us. The vehicle then came to a sudden stop a good distance away from the fence, watching closely as Rick visibly hesitated as the walkers began to take notice of them from just behind their heads. The man then snapped out of it and took one of the pigs in his hold, slicing part of its leg so it couldn't run before dropping it down on the grass for the walkers.

I cringed at the squealing sounds that the animal was making, but we all knew that it had to be done, and it looked to be working. He repeated this motion until the many walkers made their way further and further from the fence, watching as it slowly rose back up once their attention was diverted away from us.

We were now able to put back the wooden planks to prop the fence back up to a level height, leaving it almost completely bent it half after the damage the dead ones did. I stopped to take a breath once I saw we had moved it up enough, my eyes panning back over to see Rick cutting the last pig he had before dropping it, and even I could tell from this far away, it hurt him just as much as the rest of us.

Stepping slightly away from the whole scene, I saw Maggie staring at the squealing animal with sadness behind her eyes, nearly crying as the sounds intensified. 

"Come on." I spoke to grab her attention, gesturing for her to follow me.

She nodded and wrapped an arm around my shoulders so we could walk back up to the prison together, trying to just get through the rest of this long day.

~ Thanks for reading!

Taglist - @justareader95 @hayley1998 @ryoujoking @sipsthecoffee @winterassassin1804 @marsmallow433 @catlalice @writingstreetspirit

[romihearts]

sleep-deprived ! | ft. riddle rosehearts

synopsis. due to a plethora of assignments, you've recently had to work a few nights away. but, that missed sleep caught up to you, especially while you were with riddle.

content. gn reader, intended lowercase, not proofread, slight swearing, platonic or romantic? whatever u wanna view it as :33

her notes. completely self indulgent i mysfeld is on the brink of going insane

you never thought that getting to your classes would be this hard. you're completely slumped over and drained of any energy, not sure if you should even try to attend anymore.

your train of thought was stopped, when a familiar red-head caught notice of you. "ah! [name], i've been looking all over for—" riddle paused when he looked up to you, documents threatening to fall out of his arms. did you come back from the dead?

your brain slowly processed that riddle was there, looking for you and you tried to elicit even a small response. yet, it seemed like nothing was coming out of your mouth.

this alerted riddle, from your slightly messed hair, to the visible eyebags, and now you were having trouble speaking?! he sighed and took your hand, disregarding the primary reason as to why he was even looking for you and focused on nursing you better instead. it'd be quite a problem if you got sick.

the both of you headed to the heartslabyul dorm, without protest from you.

while on the way, riddle kept shooting you with multiple questions, rendering you unable to answer all of them due to him changing the question so quickly. but he caught on and asked one at a time instead. he inquired why you were in such a state.

you had so much words to spill from your mouth, you were extremely sleep-deprived due to the amount of workload! not to mention, the extra responsibility with groupworks since every one of your groupmates wanted to act dead when you were asking them for their contribution.

to add on, crowley was assigning even more irrelevant work to you!

but, all you could say was; "work." leaving little context to riddle. but from the way you were carrying multiple papers, he could guess that you were flooded with assignments and deadlines.

finally reaching the dorm, riddle continued to drag you his room, which made you question why. he opened the door to his room, it was filled intricate designs basing from the queen of hearts.

you were finally able to speak a few words, you asked him why the both of you were in his room.

"this isn't a medical issue, so we can't use the infirmary. rather it's an issue with your sleep schedule, how much hours have you been getting every night?" you attempted to look somewhere else, because there's a chance that riddle might blow up if you answered saying that you weren't getting any sleep at all.

yet, your reluctantly said that for the past few days, you haven't slept. you fully expected riddle to lecture you saying that staying up that much is super unhealthy. but you were surprised when all he said was for you to sleep in his room for the meantime with a sigh.

were you actually experiencing hallucinations? how the fuck were you allowed to sleep in his rooms?

still dumbfounded, riddle reassured that it was fine for him. and with your tired mind, you obliged knowing that you really did need to sleep.

—

it was 4:37 pm, how long did you sleep for? you noticed that riddle was no longer in the room, your messed up stack of papers from before were now neatly arranged and their was a glass of water on his bedside table.

you stood up from the bed, finally regaining energy. looking around riddle's room, you fix yourself up and got your papers before leaving to find him and thank him.

steps were all to be heard within the dormitory's hall. you headed towards the lounge, seeing a few students there but not the one you were looking for.

then, heading to the rose garden, where you finally spotted that familiar red-head.

walking towards him, you observed he was tending to the hedgehogs. you tapped on his shoulder, trying not to startle him.

"oh, it seems you've woken up." riddle stated while you thanked him wholeheartedly for letting you rest. "thank you riddle, do you want anything from sam's shop or the cafeteria? my treat." you smiled at him.

he refused the offer, but offered to help you instead with your work. "your report on harveston's dialect has a few errors i can correct them for you— if you'd like."

"i'll gladly accept." you said with a smile once more.

[tinyboobsbignipples]

Insomnia.

Reader has trouble sleeping.

Abby Anderson x Reader

Word count: 1058

Warnings: Sfw. Established relationship. A very slight and tiny hint toward sex. Not proofread. Pet names used instead of y/n. Babe, bun, love. Reader referred to as girl.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Your eyes watched the night sky. A faint breeze came through your open window. Every so often Abby would cuddle closer to the pillow she was holding when a cold gust of wind would fly through the room. You smiled to yourself seeing as the pillow was practically being crushed by Abby's strong arms. You were once in the pillow's place. After laying in bed for what seemed like hours you quickly replaced yourself with the pillow in hopes of not waking Abby. Usually, she would wake up when you removed yourself from her embrace but today she was extremely tired so you got lucky in not interrupting her slumber.

Now, you were sitting below the window ledge, you were positioned on your knees which were currently cushioned by your favorite pillow, blocking you from the hard floor. Your back was stretched as far as it could go and your forearms were against the ledge while your cheek was smashed into the back of your hands. You loved looking at the stars. It was always so peaceful at night. You looked at the clouds. You could only tell that they were there if you focused your eyes on them. As your eyes danced from star to star you began to hear the sound of your puffy comforter moving around. Your quickly turned toward your girlfriend.

The tired blonde had a confused expression on her face as she began to realize you weren't laying next to her. She searched around the bed, her sleepy state making her mind take a few seconds longer to fully register that you weren't in bed. "Babe?" Her raspy voice asks although it could have easily been mistaken for a random groan. "I'm right here." You call out. She looks up to you and her shoulders instantly relax seeing as you're okay and still in the room with her. "What are you still doing up, bun?" Abby asks. "I can't sleep." You respond simply and look back up at the moon. "Looking at the sky again?" She asks. "Mhm," You hum with a slight nod. "The stars seem brighter tonight for some reason."

Abby lays back down and stares at the ceiling. You both know that she won't be able to fall back asleep unless she is able to feel you. The silence that filled the room was interrupted by a sigh from Abby. "Do you want to come up here or am I gonna have to go down there with you?" Abby asked as she propped herself up on her forearms. She knew all too well about your insomnia and she was sure you had tried to fall asleep many times before you decided to get up and sit on the floor. "I dunno." You responded. You looked at the clock. 4:38 am. "I can't sleep. I've tried everything." You mumbled referring to a book Abby had gifted you not too long ago. While she was out she found a book full of methods to help insomniacs sleep. However, none seemed to help your case.

"I'm sorry, bun," Abby said. You moved from your perched position and laid down on the bed next to Abby. "Can we stay awake together?" You ask as you look into her eyes. "Yeah, we can. I'll stay awake while you're still up." Abby yawned. "What do ya' wanna talk about?" Abby asks knowing that conversation always manages to get a yawn out of you. "I dunno." You say making Abby chuckle slightly. "Well, what's on your mind?" Your girlfriend asks you. You take a second to respond, trying to think of an answer. "I was just looking at the stars. My thoughts were kind of, I don't know, frozen? I guess. Like I wasn't really thinking? I don't know how to explain it..." You sigh. "... Do you think it's too late for me to go to bed? Should I just wait for the morning?" You ask.

Abby turned her head to look at the clock even though no matter what time was shown Abby would have given you the same answer. "You need your rest, love. You know how you get when you're low on sleep." You sighed knowing Abby was right. You scoot closer to Abby, resting your head on her chest. Your arm wrapped around her torso and you threw your leg over hers. Her strong arm wrapped around your body securing your position. She placed a soft kiss on your forehead. The two of you lay there with each other. Neither of you said anything. A few minutes passed by and you were almost sure she had fallen asleep but to your surprise, she spoke up.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" The blonde asks. You shook your head 'no.' Her hand trailed down to the waistband of your shorts. Her fingertips toyed with the elastic. You giggled at her silent suggestions. "No." You grinned. "No?" Abby asked. With the tone of her voice, you could tell she was smiling. "I think that's a first." She joked and removes her fingers that were tucked under your waistband and moved them to your waist.

"Shut up." You yawn and push your head further into Abby's chest. With her free hand, she moved a strand of hair that was covering your face. "That's my girl." She praised as you yawned into her chest. You blush at the girl's words. She kissed your forehead again and began rubbing your back. You close your eyes and focus all of your attention on Abby. The way her hand was slowly but surely hiking up your thin t-shirt with the way her hand was going up and down your back. Her chest rose and fell with every breath she took. Your breathing was in sync with hers. You focused your hearing on the sound of her breath and her soothing heartbeat which was right below your ear.

Soon enough you let sleep take over you. Abby wasn't sure when exactly it happened but it was now 5:12 am. She fought sleep for as long as she could. Every time she felt her eyes closing she lifted her eyebrows in an attempt to lift her heavy eyelids. She kissed your forehead once more then finally let herself fall asleep with the morning sunrise peeking through the window.

[ascendingaeons]

The Story Behind My "Hymn to Sekhmet"

I was very surprised with how much traction my Hymn to Sekhmet has gotten… so I decided to share the story behind it. This might be quite long, but I think a lot of you would appreciate it.

I have been an eclectic pagan for most of my life. Heathenry was my focus in that sense that I worked with the Vanir and studied runology since I was fifteen. Kemeticism was my passion since childhood, but I was never formally a devotee. I pretty much worked exclusively with Set for most of my life. Our relationship is somewhere between father and son and student and guide. In the summer of 2020, I decided to finally set up a Kemetic altar.

It comprised of three statues and three candles on a small, very old nightstand and was otherwise unadorned. One statue was to Set, another to Bast, and the third to Sekhmet. I focused exclusively on Set and Bast for a while. I was afraid of Sekhmet. I read every book I could find about Her and they nearly all had one thing in common about a Sekhmet-based practice: if you cannot do it yourself, do not ask Her about it. That really intimidated me to the point I took Her statue down several times before it earned a permanent place.

One day in September of 2020 I finally prayed to Sekhmet with an offering of cold water. I felt a circular window of fire about 16 inches in diameter open up in front of my face just above my altar. It felt hot, like the heat of a campfire. I felt that She was looking at me. After a few seconds, the window disappeared. I didn’t interact with Her for a while after that.

In November of 2020, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He was given six months to live and chemotherapy was prescribed. I was immediately thrust into the role of caregiver. I drove my dad to and from chemotherapy, gave him his meds and food, helped him to the bathroom, cleaned him up, and anything else I could do. I was awake for about 22 hours a day for six months, even with the help of a hospice company.

One night, when my dad was on respite (what hospice companies call when a patient is sent to a nursing home for a few days so the caregiver can recover), I felt… really bad. I felt alone, afraid, numb, and lost. Without any offering or formality, I prayed to Bast. I asked Her to just stay with me. I suddenly felt myself wrapped up in a blanket of what felt like bubblegum-pink energy. It felt like stuffed animals, cotton candy, a fuzzy quilt, and just… pure love. I later learned that this describes the higher heart chakra’s energy but to me, it was just Bast. She hugged me like that for about an hour until She decided I was okay, and then, very much like a cat, She left.

The days went on with barely any sleep, a lot of emergencies and scares, until one day my dad was finally asleep. It was around four in the afternoon. I was thinking a lot about Sehkmet at this point and Her domain of healing. It was very near and dear to my heart. At the time I was thinking of going back to school to finish my psychology degree and become a counselor. I took the time to get cold water in a nice glass and some fresh bread I had delivered that morning. I put it all on a golden plate I ordered for my altar.

I prayed to Sekhmet, solemnly and respectfully, naming Her Epithets and offering praise in addition to water and bread. I asked… that She let everything be okay and help me to be a better caregiver to my dad. The sad thing is, I was very hard on myself. I felt like I was not doing enough but I later found out that every nurse and social worker from the hospice company had, individually and separately, reported to the company’s administrator in high praise of me. I didn’t know then that some caregivers are really horrible to the point of neglect and abuse. I was doing the best I could in a situation that was out of my control and was given a level of praise that floored me.

After concluding my prayer, I lay down in my bed next to my altar. I was lying on my side when suddenly Sekhmet’s etheric body manifested beside me. I could feel it and somewhat see it with my third eye. She started to rub my back as I lay there. Her hand felt like the sun’s heat reflected off of water, a sensation I knew well from fishing in summer. It felt almost like fire but one that would never burn me. As She rubbed my back, I felt Her head come next to mine. I felt Her face, soft and bristly, next to my left ear as She began to speak words I couldn’t hear. I could even feel the heat from Her breath.

Unlike Bast, Sekhmet stuck around. She followed me everywhere for the next two days. It hadn’t really sunk in yet but I had received what, for me, was irrefutable proof of the Gods’ love. Set was with me my entire life, my teacher and friend. Bast and Sekhmet creaked open the door to theurgy a little bit more. It wasn’t until my Reiki Attunement ceremony that the door was blown clean off its hinges when over a dozen Netjeru physically manifested. During my Attunement, Bast held my left hand and Sekhmet held my right. By the end of the ceremony, the two were hugging me as I lay on my teacher’s table.

As I began working with the Netjeru in my shamanic practice, Sekhmet communicated something to me. She asked me to offer Her my pain and fear. And so I wrote that hymn on what was proving to be a very hard day.

I can never go back to a world where the Gods do not exist or do not love us completely, irrevocably, and unconditionally. My relationship with the Netjeru is one of mutual loyalty, love, admiration, and service. For all intents and purposes, I am a new Kemetic. I have studied Egyptology since I was seven years old and regarded Kemet as a far-flung home, a feeling that has never left my heart since it ignited there when I was a toddler. But that is a story for another day.

Well… that is my story. I hope it finds you well!

Dua Sekhmet! Dua Netjeru!

Image is “Sekhmet Devotional” by Valoreanthes. A Mother Lioness and Her cub, a side of Sekhmet far too often overlooked.