#it's gotten to the point where i try on as much as i can irl

[squid-ichorous]

i have to take solace in the fact that fashion is fucked up for everyone because the idea of buying a garment online w/o exact measurements and a size chart is fr crazy-making and the idea that people just do that is even more so

[grassbreads]

my friend recommended me a manga, and I was getting a little annoyed because the only scanlation I could find was kinda low quality and hard to read (and really hard to appreciate the good art), but I looked it up and it was only 11 usd to buy physical copies of the official tl of the first two volumes✌️

[loonybun]

quick important post. this isn’t my usual type of stuff but im putting this out here for awareness.

there’s someone in the whump community who’s recently been gaining some traction. their posts haven’t really gotten super popular but they have circulated a bit and keep popping up on my page. youve probably seen them yourself if you’re a member of this community.

I never really interacted with their content just because realism in whump art isn’t my personal cup of tea (obviously if it’s yours, that’s fine and keep doing your thing, that’s not what this post is about), but a friend of mine decided to look a little bit further into things. it turns out this user has a history of using ai for writing, and seems to have a pro-generative ai stance.

they also use ai for all of their “art” (screenshots from a friend). even after being made aware of the harm that ai does, they have said that they will continue to use it.

this has been pointed out before by a few other people in the community, but I wanted to make a post for more reach since a lot of bigger names in the community who have denounced ai have been spreading around this content without knowing.

i know i’m kind of preaching to the choir but generative ai should not be tolerated in a space like this. the whump community was founded by fanfiction writers— the same fanfiction writers who are having their work scraped for generative ai without their permission or knowledge. generative ai has done so much harm to fandom spaces this year alone, and with the recent scrape of ao3, we should be fighting harder against it. allowing this to remain unchecked in this community is dangerous.

that, combined with the real harm generative ai does, makes this very kind of content go against the fundamental beliefs and morals of the whump community. i know i can’t speak for the community as a whole, but i have not found a single member here who would knowingly endorse generative ai. it just feels incredibly shitty for this person to not even mention that this work is ai (except for the one post included above). with how much effort and emotion people put into their stories and art, using ai to try and replicate that comes off as just incredibly distasteful.

the forbes article linked above to water consumption and ai isn’t even the only example i can think of when it comes to the harm ai’s done. if the whole “destroying the planet”, and “scraping work from artists, writers, and animators without consent” wasn’t enough for you, then i honest to god don’t know what will be. maybe the many, many accounts of ai being used to allow people to spread child pornography and irl gore videos of horrific events? it’s not harmless. it’s immoral on a fundamental level. in a world where ai is being shoved into people’s faces left and right with the integration of it into basically every corner of the internet, i think i can speak for us all when i say we want to keep this corner ai-free.

ai does not belong in creative spaces, least of all the whump community.

[whataboutyouisamascot]

Who knew that actually taking steps to make your life marginally better takes deliberate effort!!! Scam I want a refund

Stumbling across a statistic on how much free time young adults might spend on screens, and, hm. Alright. Closing my laptop

[biancasaidstfu]

I am honestly still laughing over how much they tried. Meeting the contractual obligations while also setting the scene for a least-damage impact situation seems to be their game plan.

Couple of things that stood out for me:

1. The photodump is black and white, but the first one. Look at it carefully. Luke's lip has a hint of red/pink. Look at the other photos. It's not there. Choosing this as the first one seems very intentional in terms of the message they want to send. They are going with the whole look he is in a relationship with her.

2. It's followed by the photo of Luke kissing her WITH HIS EYES OPEN. We have seen him in pure bliss with Nic and that man literally purrs and closes his eyes at her touch! Sorry, but the eyes wide open scream staged.

3. Looks like there were a bit of drinks involved and well, if he has to put up with her presence, I would drink myself to oblivion. I don't think he was drunk at all and that is commendable because I needed a couple of drinks when this whole thing dropped. So drinks helped to tolerate her presence.

4. He cleaned up his insta feed. Archived almost every personal content. It's screaming work-based. So....... Changing the feed content to scream work-based right after dropping the so-called "hard launch" that there is indication that this is all PR

5. The only two personal content in his feed are his 30th b'day celebration and the celebratory cinnamon rolls. Both directly related to the one person. If he was aware of how fake his PR stunts were, he is most definitely aware of the lore behind the cinnamon rolls. It is a very strategic move.

6. He looked hot AF last night. He was giving bad boy vibes. This got me thinking..... With White Mars due to be released before bridgerton, what if his team is trying their best to kill two birds with one stone?

We have Colin Bridgerton who is the sweetest man to ever exist on our screens and what if, the character in White Mars is not the same? He looks like he had some training done and he looks more buff than he does. Imagine with me: Luke playing the hot bad boy vibes villain in White Mars.

These photos kinda give that vibe. I won't say f-boy vibes because that can be interpreted wrongly. It's smolder smolder and bad boy vibes.

7. I knew when Nic took Jake to Cannes, Luke and A will show up with a bigger matchstick. No one was buying what Nic and Jake tried to sell and people have been clocking on Luke's behaviors to the point that the fandom could predict what will happen next. It is widely speculated and hoped that Luke will distance A from anything Bridgerton related.

So what better way to throw a damn fucking granade by bringing her to a Bridgerton related event where Nic was even present and put up the stunt that they did.

8. In an event with many well-known people in the industry, they somehow let her pose solo on the red carpet? If this was a hard fucking launch, why did she pose solo? Why was she named in the images while certain actors weren't? I am a bit confused. Exactly what is her occupation? She is a dancer. We now see her trying to enter the modelling industry, but again, she is nowhere near close to level that will get her recognized on the street. We saw her try the influencer thing, but that didn't work because of her lack of relatability and authenticity. None of her current status/occupation justifies a solo red carpet appearance.

9. Taking the words out of Luke's mouth: "not that big on public displays of affection".......

They expect us to believe that staged photos and video with a woman Luke looked murderous next to? The same one with whom Luke were overheard saying, "let's get this over with" and boogergate? The same one that has been public bully for months without doing anything to defend her?

Yeah, that's right. Because she is not the woman who he is with irl.

10. The lack of any photos between Nic and Luke is so telling. If they were all just good friends, we would have gotten one. No photo is fueling the whole they are feuding claims. I guess this is the best thing to make sure they can sell the L and A content because putting Luke and Nic near each other is like having cupid hover above them all the time and thousands of fairies are born every second they spend together.

11. I feel like the current aim is to burn the fucking thing to the ground and I say this because of Nic's caption. Calling it a "class night", "favourite messers in one room" and "what a night" she has said what she wanted to say without saying it.

12. Nic's latest blocking spree helped with the current narrative that Lukola "isn't real". By blocking mostly Lukolas, she set the stage. It's mind-blowingly genius tbh.

13. I think majority of the fandom got the contractual obligations due date incorrect. Most are assuming it's June after the first papgate. I think not. Infact, I think it will extend well into the summer around the time when the SoHo gang broke up. When all of a sudden they stopped posting Luke on their stories and all and I remember one of them posting about NDAs. Yes, initially the contractual obligations may have started in June, but there was a clear shift in summer. Then there was another shift after Nic got papped with Jake. So I think the obligations will run to a one yr duration from the date that the renegotiations took place at.

14. I don't think we will get the Lukola launch as soon as the obligations end. They are currently in the trenches so I wouldn't be surprised if they take some time to bask in the no obligations period before they launch because they will have to field through media invasion once it happens. We know Luke didn't immediately unfollow Jade when they broke up. I doubt that Luke's team put out the statement the day that they broke up. So I am expecting a similar route to be opted and most importantly, it will be at Luke and Nic's own terms.

15. BAFTAs. I am calling it. Nic will either take her mom or her sister. I can't imagine her turning up to one of the most important award shows of her career where she is favoured to win, without someone from her family present.

50/50 on whether Luke will take A, but after the pre BAFTAS stunt, I would say they might double down and have her at the actual event. It would be such a cruel twist of fate if it does and in that case, whatever A has on Luke is HUGE and I will die on that hill.

16. If all of that is false and if Luke is really with her, I have lost my respect and admiration for him and it has nothing to do with her. It has everything to do with Luke.

The big names of Hollywood are dating people/married to people and they still do the press yours and all that with their co-stars. There is chemistry there, but they never deny that they have an irl partner/girlfriend/boyfriend. The teams don't say that they are "publicly single". They appear on red carpets together during the promos itself and are respectful for the partners.

What we saw on bridgerton WT goes beyond PR. Those acts, the things they said and the way they behaved would be extremely disrespectful to their partners if they are in a relationship with other people. The reception to the adjacents have been brutal. Nic has subtly spoken up about it while Luke has chosen pindrop silence. We know that Luke has no issue clarifying what he wants to, as he did with the cake one. So if Luke really is in a relationship with her, he hasn't treated her right. Sorry, but that's a fact.

17. Nic and Jake is a whole other topic that I have quite a lot to say about. The difference is, Nic and Jake are part of their friends circle. There is so many photos and videos to prove that they belong to the same friend group. My only issue is that having seen so many indications that Jake belongs to the LGTBQTIA+ community, letting the public speculate on Jakola, for the sake of upholding the contractual obligations Luke has to uphold, is very grey.

If for example, Jake volunteered for it and is willing to go along with it, then great. Especially if he is not ready to disclose information about his sexuality and if by this narrative, he is allowed time to be who he is, then fine. At the same time, Nic being such a vocal activist for the Queer community, people can perceive it differently. Some already do. It's a very grey area with no right and wrong because yes, if it is PR, there is a mutual understanding from both parties but at the same time, it is deceiving. It's inauthentic. It goes against what everyone associates Nic with.

I mean they can say that they never confirmed the relationship and that it was the public and the media who did so, but at the same time, people can bring up the fact that they do have the resources and manpower to correct the public narrative. The issue is RN they are not only not correcting the narrative, but they are fueling it.

Shit-stirrers indeed.

Then again, I always remember Nic saying I'm an interview with Aimee that she would never do anything for her haters. She didn't take her driving license because a dude yelled at her and she decided to be a forever passenger princess. So I think one of the reasons why she is leaning to the Jake narrative is because it's already out there and that it pisses the hell out of some people.

At the end of the day, it isn't looking good for Nic either. If she is really with Jake, she has behaved as inappropriately and as disrespectfully as Luke did. She hasn't treated him right. Also there is the added layer of Nic being a woman and girls girl and the optics are just bad because why would she encourage such an action from Luke if he was really with another woman?

18. I have spent hours rewatching their interactions, the interviews, what other people have said about Luke and Nic. There is 99% chance of them being together irl and only 1% chance of point 16 & 17 being true. We probably will never get the full story tbh. I think a lot of the messiness could have been avoided and it all comes down to the PR execution of this whole charade.

19. We know the teams are lurking around. I think some of us have come too close to the truth which is complicating things obligation wise and so we are being served with what we are rn. Smokescreens are no longer enough as the scales are tipped so much in favor for Lukola that the only thing they can do is just watch the whole damn thing burn to the fucking ground.

20. This is the endgame. It's about to be messy, but they don't seem to have much choices. I think what they want is to just let it burn and not have it overanalyzed so that when they want to rebuild, there is less holes to patch up. So, I am going to give them the grace that they are the actors we saw and fell in love with because of their incredible talent, chemistry and authenticity. If space is what they need, space they shall get. Fuck it all, I would make a Luke and A fan page if that's what it's going to help them fulfill Luke's obligations. Just give us a sign and I swear, Polin fans and Lukola fans will do whatever is needed to get this fucking over with

👏👏👏

Perfect anon.

[ryker-writes]

Hiya! could I request headcanons for the Savannah claws and jamil with an african painted dog beastmen reader (maybe she could have vitiligo since the dogs have those pretty splotches irl) who is a foodie and loves to cook for herself and others and always has food/snacks to offer (her love language basically) Also since they're social pack animals she's super mellow and loving

Thank youuu!

So I had to do some research here for this one because I'd never seen an African painted dog before and omg I love them and I want one! You used she/her when talking about this reader so I'm assuming you meant a female reader :)

Request rules and Masterlists

African painted dog beastmen fem reader

Leona:

I'm gonna be real with you, he stares you down almost everytime he sees you

a lot of people who see him doing this think he's mad at you or that he's expecting something from you like you owe him money

In reality, he's just admiring you, and his resting face just makes it look like he's mad at you

Leona likes to ask you to do things in his general area so that he can watch and admire your pretty ears and skin

If he somehow manages to drag you down into cuddles (you being his pillow), his hands sometimes run over the spots as he admires them

He's more of a silent type of appreciation, so he doesn't vocalize his admiration as much, but he thinks you look so beautiful with those spots

Also, he absolutely asks you to make him food so often that he's become more picky than he already was, and he gets very passive aggressive if the food he's eating didn't come from you

Leona doesn't like super high strung people as much, so he very much likes your mellow nature

he does want to keep you and your food to himself tho

Ruggie:

Perfect match. Literally soulmates. No notes.

He thinks you're so so pretty, and he's vocal about it too with compliments and

Ruggie would definitely ask if he could help you take care of your ears and if you let him, he'd be so careful with them and be admiring them the whole time

Hyena's are also pack animals, so I see the two of you being together a lot like spending over half the day together

He honestly loves how mellow and loving you are, and in a way it reminds him of home and he just knows his grandma would love you

Anytime he sees you, he flocks to you like a magnet. Partially because of you, and partially because he knows you have food

Ruggie will never turn down any food you give, or especially make for him (if he does, it's an imposter)

It's gotten to the point where when he comes up to you, it's like second nature to pull out some food for him. Like you could be in the middle of a conversation and pulling food out of a bag because Ruggie walked up to you while you're talking

He will dig around in your bag for food when you're not looking

Jack:

Jack is a bit of an awkward boy when it comes to expressing compliments, so he doesn't compliment your looks very much

But you'll know when he's admiring you because his tail starts wagging when he just is looking at you

It goes without saying that wolves are pack animals and care deeply for each other

He absolutely loves everything you make for him, and he makes sure he always eats anything you offer him without complaint, like you could make him something out of the trash and he'd eat it without complaining once, regardless if he doesn't like it or not, he's grateful you even made him something

Jack isn't the best of cooks, but he does try to bring you food too

The things he makes for you are always super healthy foods and balanced meals

The two of you are like mellow loving creatures together

Somehow I see the both of you being like that married couple that's goals for everyone else because of how comfortable and chill you two are together

Though he's the youngest of the characters here, the two of you act like the parent couple together, you know like a mom and dad of the group

Jamil:

Both of you are eating

you make food for him, and he makes food for you! It's like an exchange each meal of foods where you both cook for the other

he never shares your food with Kalim. He treats your food like it's the only food he'll ever get, and he's so smug about getting some from you

Jamil's always been one who can appreciate aesthetics and beautiful pieces of work, and he considers you one of them

There are times the two of you will just be hanging out and he'll be looking at you before randomly mentioning how beautiful each splotch on your skin is, like each is a drop of paint on a canvas that together makes a beautiful piece of art

His hands run over the spots with a smile as he carefully looks over them, and he always is checking to make sure you feel okay with it

Similar to Jack, the two of you are also like a parent couple with him being the dad and you the mom (except Kalim is the child that he didn't want-)

He does get a bit petty if you give anyone the same attention as him, so be careful

[olderthannetfic]

Two points re the eternal fixed top/bottom vs. verse discourse, coming from a submissive femme bisexual in a butchfemme relationship who doesn't mind either fixed t/b or verses in fiction.

The first one is that I think people are protesting a bit too much about the possibility of queer relationships being influenced by cishet gender norms. Most of us grew up in contexts where cishet relationships and the roles associated with them are THE default and more or less the only examples of romantic relationships, so it only makes sense that we'd carry that over onto our queer relationships or identify to some extent with the roles society gives us. This does NOT make those sorts of relationships worse or less queer or less progressive, but I feel like we've gotten to a point where people get so defensive as soon as you even hint at being somehow influenced by traditional notions of gender or relationship roles that it's sort of counterproductive. We've had notions of bottoming being feminine for 2000+ years, I pinky swear you didn't unpack all your baggage around that by the time you're 22. And you could unpack it and still decide that you like being an effeminate person who bottoms and leaning into those roles and stereotypes as a form of self-expression and signaling what you expect from a relationship and that's okay too (that's what I do)!

The second point is that, especially in fandom, there are stereotypes and constellations of traits that people associate with tops and bottoms that can feel frustrating because they warp everything around them. It's easier with original fiction because if I don't want to read tall top/twink bottom I can look for something else, and in any case the characters are constructed from scratch to fit those stereotypes. In fanfiction it's annoying when characterization and even appearance are warped to fit the stereotypes: two guys of the same height and build suddenly having a huge size difference that was never there in canon is the ur-example. In one of my fandoms there's a pretty, effeminate twink who bottoms canonically and I'm cool with that, but he's also the most utilitarian dresser in the setting and 95% of the fic makes him fashionable and vain and appearance oriented. That man does NOT have a skincare routine. He washes his face with plain water only and has ten pairs of identical black/grey/navy T-shirt and pants combos. And I don't really care if this is a stereotype that comes from bottoms=women or a stereotype within the queer community (I suspect it's actually because he's blonde and rich in addition to being a twink who bottoms), it's just annoying with how much it warps characterization. You do also sometimes see the opposite, in the sense of people trying to force feminine traits or some reversal on gender roles onto, say, a completely generic masc man to be "progressive", and any criticism of how much his character is warped in the process is labeled as "let men be masculine".

Tl;dr even IRL most people don't fit ALL the stereotypes for their type of queer person, and a lot of complaints come down to how fucking boring it is when you warp all fictional characters into the same basic mold. Fixed T/B is cool just for fuck's sake let them have some personality that doesn't tie into T/B common places.

--

[byoldervine]

Motivation For Writing

Getting Off Your Butt:

1. Aestheticise it. Let the light in through the curtains, turn on your fairy lights, lay a blanket over your lap, light some candles, whatever you need to do to feel like a writer. The right vibes can go a long way

2. Picture that one scene. There’s almost always a moment you’re super excited about that basically inspired the whole book. Picture it, play it out in your head in full cinematic fanfare, gush to yourself about how cool it is and how everyone will love it, picture a future fanbase going nuts for it. You might get excited enough to go back to writing

3. Set a word count goal. During NaNoWriMo this year I think I wrote more than I ever have in one go. The thing that kept me coming back was the desire to not fall behind. I ended up with ~45K words after some complications irl caused me to drop off in the final few days, and that’s all just because I was adding up the 1667 a day word count goal and realising where I needed to be at to keep up. I definitely can’t stay as rigid as I did with 1667 words every single day, but seeing that you’re only a few hundred words off of a goal is super motivating - just be sure to set realistic, easy to achieve parameters for just general use, like 1000-2000 words per week. I know 200 words per day is a popular one for people trying to establish a writing routine that can’t dedicate forever to the craft

Maintaining Motivation:

1. Writing sprints. Writing sprints are a godsend for me, I like to set myself up in the living room with Abbie Emmons’ writing sprint video on. The video lasts two hours and is broken up into two parts; 25 minutes to write and 5 minutes for breaks between writing, so four 30 minute sprints overall. Having the timer and countdown with peaceful music and an aesthetic background is both relaxing and encouraging, as well as giving me a specific time for how much longer I have to push through. It’s easier for me to say “Okay, only ten more minutes, then you can take a break” then it is to say “Just keep going, we’re not stopping until I say so” which is too arbitrary for my brain to accept

2. Give yourself a choice. If you’re struggling to keep your focus, come up with a finish line and tell yourself you don’t have to do any more work once you’ve reached that point. Finish the paragraph, go for another five or ten minutes, keep it up until your next scheduled break. Whatever sounds realistic and doable without being overwhelming. And once you’ve met this goal, ask yourself if you still want to stop. With any luck, you’ll have gotten back into the zone and will choose to keep going. Maybe you’ll want to take a quick break but you’ll come back later on. And maybe you’ll decide that now actually is a good stopping point. Just remember that, if you do still want to stop, don’t force yourself to keep going. You can’t strike deals with yourself if you know you won’t keep your word and all you’ll end up doing is burning yourself out, which will lead to even less writing getting done

3. Try a new angle. If you can’t be bothered to write anymore, is there anything else you can do for your book? Plotting, editing, worldbuilding, character sheets, one-shots all that sort of thing can still be productive for your book while still being different enough to give your brain a slight respite. It also means less work in that particular area later on

Afterwards:

1. Organise. Clean up your workspace and put everything away so it’s nice and neat for when you come back to it. Or if you don’t need to pack things out the way, set it up in an aesthetically pleasing way so it will tempt you back next time. Let it give you the writer vibe

2. Take care of yourself. Get a drink, have a snack, walk about, stretch your limbs, take a breath, cuddle your pet. Something that gets you away from straining your eyes looking at text for a bit. This is also a good time to reward yourself if positive reinforcement is something you use on yourself. If you always feel shitty after your writing sessions, you won’t want to go back to it

3. Positive reflection. Make sure to tell yourself you did good, even if you didn’t get as much done as you would’ve liked or it isn’t up to a standard of quality you’re aiming for. That can all be fixed later on, and you’re infinitely better off than you would’ve been if you didn’t do it. Be proud of yourself. Tell yourself you’re proud of your hard work and your dedication and your effort. Remind yourself that this is a fun thing you like to do. Marvel over how insane it is that you’ve gotten this far - not many people do - and that you’ve got all this tangible work to prove you’ve accomplished something so many people wish they could pull off. If this isn’t fun overall, there’s no point

[hispanthicc]

Things I Like About Being A Guy That Got Fat On Purpose.

I think after my last text post I should post something more positive in relation to weight gain. I have been gaining or at least trying to for several years but it wasn't until the pandemic that I really started to grow.

I am now about 210 ish, it fluctuates but it doesn't go lower than that. I'm also like 5'7 so i look 230+.I wear a size 38 x 32 in pants... but I might actually be at 40. I was wearing XL's in shirts but over the past 3 months I've been wearing XXL's. I do go for looser clothes otherwise L-XL would be fine. I think looser just works for me cuz I have generalized anxiety disorder and I need to feel like I can breathe so the looser the better. It's kind of funny how huge that sounds because the fit on my clothes is very regular despite my description of it being loose. I also feel like the way looser shirts drape over my body my boobs look a lot bigger, I mean they are but it's not so obvious when I’m shirtless but it's very noticeable when I’m clothed. I'm kinda self conscious but i've also gotten to the point where I don't really care. I also like that i'm wearing the last size that a lot of stores carry (which is probably going to be really annoying soon). I bought from a plus size store twice this year (it's still 2024 as of writing this) Once when buying a suit for a friends wedding and then I bought some random sweater. both fit and looked really good on me.

I feel more confident the bigger I get. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I just feel more sure of myself. Maybe when you're bigger you *have* to be more sure of yourself. I also think that after making content for so long I just dgaf about a lot of things. There really isn't anything that someone can say to me thats gonna make me not like myself or getting bigger. It's just kinda who I am now.

This is a somewhat recent observation and maybe it's a healthy one but, A lot of times as a gainer you are comparing yourself to other gainers. So you may be thinking things like "oh he eats so much more than me", or "I wish I was that big", or "I wish my capacity was bigger." however, if you compare yourself to someone who isn't a gainer you'll feel a lot bigger and you'll realize how you're eating like 5x more than a regular person, and doing so very easily. Regular people aren't eating whole pizzas, half a dozen burgers, liters of soda regularly. Regular people are likely trying to fit within a 2500 calorie diet range. A lot of gainers eat that before lunch lol. The first time I noticed this (I don't get out much) is when I was out with my friends a few months ago, we went to the movies, then dinner after. We went to an indian restaurant which obviously meant there was a lot of food. I really enjoyed it and I ate a lotttt but everyone else got full very quickly and had to get a to go box. I was the only one that didn't lol. (I need fat friends, or gainer friends irl, ik that's not possible for me rn tho).

Another thing is that people will want to cuddle you. You're just automatically considered to be more cuddly or huggable. People also seem to wanna squish me lol. one of my friends has rubbed my belly while cuddling in the movie theatre several times he's also grabbed my boobs so many times. so that's fun.

there's probably more things. lmk if I should write more. I’m gonna end this here. cuz i'm writing this on 0 sleep lol.

[utilitycaster]

I am curious if you think the campaign wrap up will perhaps address some of the campaign shortcomings or challenges the cast faced in trying to land this campaign narratively, especially in comparison to previous campaigns? Not that they would disparage the whole campaign - but like a little “yeah this didn’t work as well as we wanted at times?” 

It’s odd because I find myself weirdly optimistic about CR as a whole despite this campaign’s possible lackluster ending, so I guess I’m hoping the campaign wrap up acknowledges that this campaign didn’t always play to their strengths in hopes that their next long form venture does more, idk.

I don't know if it will but. that's precisely the tenor any question I send will have: I don't think the fundamental concept is the issue - hell, I don't even think killing the gods is actually a problem if you appropriately set up a scenario where killing the gods has a motivation other than "mortals were mean to me in their name" [thing that happens irl all the time in a world with zero proof of divinity, in my religiously observant ideologically agnostic and skeptical opinion] or "I have issues with my parents I never worked towards so I've projected this onto The Ultimate Parents instead of like. being fucking normal." But it needed a lot more scaffolding at the VERY least in the prep for this campaign, and actually, to be blunt, if you want to make this a balanced issue you needed to seed this concept through prior campaigns in a meaningful way. There's a reason pretty much everyone who defends this campaign as Extremely Good, Actually is either doing some form of wildly revisionist history of the fandom and the past campaigns that's demonstrably false if you were like. there; or else they started with C3 and decided they were an expert despite being of below-average literacy and deeply below average personality and have to resort to such miserable efforts as "arguing that canon isn't real" and "posting an out of context Le Guin quote over and over in the hopes we won't notice they're actually 511 mice in a trenchcoat who can't actually read". So yeah I hope Matt is like this was an ambitious project and I'd have done many things differently.

I do wonder what's next for CR, because as I mentioned, it feels like the cast is stronger in shorter form; that even the other longform shows are moving to shorter form right now; and that WBN and C3 kind of show the limits/failings of longform. I hope they do another longform campaign at some point in the future, but it might make sense to take an extended break and play in the space for a while. They only took about 4 months between campaigns for the past two and maybe it would be good to take longer and focus on Daggerheart, Candela, and EXU for much of the year and if they do longform wait 8-10 months, especially with the comparatively extensive touring schedule this year.

I also hasten to add, and I mentioned this briefly in talking about CRPGs, but I think there's a Third Campaign Dip that's not inevitable (NADDPod didn't really have it; TAZ switches systems enough that it's not an issue) but definitely hit here, that doesn't apply to a fourth one. Like, for CRPGs (girl who's played Veilguard twice and gotten through the first day of Disco Elysium voice) it feels like the first run is following what seems most fun to you and then the second is playing around with other choices that maybe aren't as appealing just to see what happens, and then for the third and future runs you kind of know the full lay of the land and what you'll like while still allowing for a range of choices. For class-based TTRPGs, the first is the self-insert/thing that's fairly comfortable and easy/character you've dreamed of; the second is what you do now that you know how this works; and then the third can be...an overextension, shall we say. I think after that you figure out, again, the bounds of your comfort zone, how much you can stretch it, and what you don't like, you're in a much more consistent footing.

[cripplecharacters]

hello! so, i currently have an oc in the works. i dont have much for his character yet, and hes kind of a blank slate at the moment, however, whilst trying to develop him i had the idea to give him a disability; its something i dont do with my characters very often, and i feel like it could give some depth and realism to his character. however, i..... dont know where to really start with it? i have the vague idea that i think id like him to have crutches, so some sort of leg disability, but just going off that its been hard for me to find any condition that feels quite right. im unsure about making him an amputee either; seemingly the "go to" for anyone who wants to make a physically disabled character. i want to try and represent a disability thats less fetishized by the general public, and looking through this blog here its definitely apparent that a lot of people are tired of seeing basic half amputee characters with overly functional prosthetics; i wanna avoid that. sorry this has gotten a bit rambly, but basically what im asking is,, do you have advice for what i could use as just. a general starting point in this? im terribly uneducated and lost at the moment and id love some help. thank you :]

Hey!

It's great that you're interested in writing a disabled character (with care). I'm always happy to see more writers/artists/creatives do that.

You mentioned wanting to give him crutches, which is cool. However, you mentioned crutches as meaning a leg disability, which isn't always the case — and while I don't have statistics on it, I believe that most crutch users do not use them for leg-only problems, and a lot of them have the not-so-fetishized conditions. Here are some suggestions of what you could give your character, which hopefully gives you some ideas. If you need, you can get back to us with a more specific question after you figure out what exactly your character has.

Cerebral palsy — probably the most common reason for using crutches in non-elderly people, and the most common (physical) disability in younger people in general. If your character has diplegic (meaning lower limbs affected) CP, he could use crutches and if he has hemiplegic (one arm and one leg affected) CP, then he could use a single crutch or a cane. Cerebral palsy is generally extremely underrepresented when compared to how many people have it IRL. Just be aware that there is a lot of research involved just about the condition itself — multiple types (spastic/ataxic/dyskinetic), different kinds of body involvement, tons of different mobility aids and orthotics to learn about. There is also hereditary spastic paraplegia, which is not the same as CP but similar and progressive.

Spinal cord injury — the general assumption is that all people with spinal cord injuries are fully paralyzed below the neck or waist, and that's not the case. If your character has an incomplete SCI on any level or just a very low level injury, he could be using crutches or switch between a wheelchair and crutches. It's essential to research SCIs to have them be more than “legs don't work, but that's literally it”. SCI can come with severe nerve pain, spasticity, atrophy, and a lot of other things. Worth noting that spinal cord injury could be traumatic, but could also be congenital (spina bifida) or illness related (polio, transverse myelitis, spinal stroke, or cancer, for example). You could think that it's overrepresented in media, but SCI is generally just used as a “default condition” for why a character is in a wheelchair, and a lot of these representations are unfortunately very shallow.

Paralysis — in the monoplegic sense here. Much more rare than the rest of the things here, but your character could have a single paralyzed leg, largely due to nerve damage. Could be traumatic or illness-related (e.g., cancer, infection, or multiple sclerosis).

Stroke (and other traumatic/acquired brain injuries) — stroke can cause a million different symptoms and depending on what happens to your character exactly, he might need crutches. A big portion of stroke survivors deal with hemiplegia and could use a crutch on their non-affected side, for example. Some kinds of stroke might cause your character to have troubles with balance and require a mobility aid to not fall. Of course stroke will also cause other symptoms for your character (it wouldn't be too realistic to only have him have problems with his legs) for example speech issues, headaches, or seizures. Stroke can happen to anyone, and it wouldn't be weird to have a younger character with it. Very common in real life but very rarely represented in fiction.

Limb difference — you can definitely write a character with a limb difference or an amputation without fetishizing it. The main concern with the fetishization is the concept of the robotic limb that works just as well as or even better than a meat leg, and thus the character is “fixed”. But your character could just… have a realistic prosthetic (people do use prosthetics with crutches) or not use one at all. A lot of congenital amputees, people with limb differences, or with high level (above knee) amputations might do that. He could also have a leg length difference, which could cause him to need crutches (for example, Morteza Mehrzad has one of his legs significantly shorter after a pelvic injury, and he uses crutches among other mobility aids).

Chronic pain — very broad category for too many specific conditions to count. Neuropathy in the legs and/or lower back could be a reason for using crutches, for example. Unhealed, or poorly healed past injuries. Arthritis in knees or hips. Hypermobility that makes him unsteady or dislocate joints. Pain in bones or muscles where he can't fully weight-bear.

Gait disorders — another broad category (sorry). Your character could have problems with his gait and need aids for that. It could be caused by dyspraxia (I have it), ataxia, progressive muscular dystrophy (there is a lot of different types), Parkinson's disease, or a lot of other things. Could also be injury related.

And of course you could have multiple characters that are disabled to make sure that there is some variety.

I hope that the above list gave you some ideas for your character. If you have more questions, feel free to send another ask

mod Sasza

[velvetvexations]

I got this comment on my antigonism explainer and I asked for permission to address in it's own post because I think it's good feedback:

I appreciate your support of transmasc and transnull people more than you can ever know. I, however, think coming up with a phrase that distincts “transmasc friendly transfems” is deeply divisive- and will further the divide and discourse between transfems and transmascs We don’t need a speciality phrase to denote people who are friendly towards us since those that are AGAINST us are the loud minority- the majority of real world trans people (transfems especially) are in unity with transmascs I think that this may just worsen the divides that are already starting to exist, and will further perpetuate discourse where it isn’t needed. Transfems can just say they support transmascs and transNB people, you guys don’t have to come up with a special title. I mean this all with the upmost love and sincerity. Transfems who support transmascs are the majority of transfems, yes there is an issue with TIRFism online But that is not the majority of transfems on the internet- and especially in real life. We should be focusing on greater unity and talking about what makes us similar- not dividing ourselves even more into subcategories to be policed or pointed to. From a transnull who is just as deep in this discourse

I'm thankful for your perspective and that you've given thought to the issue, and wanted to share your thoughts in a way that I feel is really sweet, which as someone with NPD I appreciate a lot. This is something that's been expressed to me about the idea previously.

I disagree, though. Are transfems who support transmascs and other non-transfems the majority? Yes, absolutely! But when the vocal minority is as loud as it is, they need to be loudly shutdown. That kinna thing takes megaphones. They're going to go away on their own and I want there to be a way to take an active stance that throws oneself out there as someone opposed to that shit.

Already it's just taken as a given that transfems are all TRFs.* If we don't go further, we're letting the vocal nature of the minority take up more and more space and become more and more accepted. Because like, they are super aggressive about it. These things get spread around on posts with thousands of notes every day. TRFs do nothing but bitch about non-transfem trans, intersex, and GNC people, and in doing so make spaces an increasingly less safe place for them.

And the signaling is a really important issue too. A lot of the responses to antigonism from transmascs in particular have been saying that it makes them feel safer. I've gotten messages from people who feel really bad about the paranoia trans radical feminism has caused them to feel around transfems they don't know, and that sucks! I'm so not interested in dismissing that as people who need to be less online or something, especially since I've heard a lot of stories of IRL spaces being hostile to any expression of masculinity as well. These are people who are, at best, facing a massive bullying issue, and at worst being driven out of the trans community entirely. It's cruel and I'm not going to shame them for having this expectation hammered into them, especially because I've also constantly been let down over and over and over when I see a post about transmisogyny or the transfem experience that I really like, only to be gravely disappointed when I see they're a TRF. It constantly happens. It sucks. It sucks so unbelievably much.

Hell, a lot of TRFs are self-identified TMEs, and in fact, most of them are! Every time they do one of their polls trying to prove some dumbass point, it's overwhelmingly "TMEs" who respond. It's like, a relatively small number of transfems kicking around a little cult of sycophants, many of whom are weird as fuck in their own ways but also many who are just trying to be good allies. They should also be signaled to that, hey, when I tell them they actually didn't need to drop a headcanon of a character that gave them joy because a transfem said so, I'm not the freak anomaly I get painted as. Like, I've responded to things asking if something so not an issue was transmisogynistic, or what the problem with TMA/TME was, only to immediately have multiple TRFs zoom into the replies like "don't listen to velvetvexations, she alone has those opinions because she hates all other transfems."

And what about transfems who also need to have it made clear TRFs aren't normal, too? Who need to be gently caught before they get indoctrinated into this shit?

When you see a trans woman saying she thinks it's bad to call non-binary people slurs, identifying as an antigonist gives the messages she's not a random confused baby bird brainwashed by Big Transmisogyny to hate her sisters. She is just one of many who feel that way.

And like, is making it a "faction" like that divisive? I don't think so because holy hell, this discourse is already divisive and toxic as fuck. The intense vitriol that gets thrown at one side from another is already radioactive. What's going to make things worse than it is now? TRFs will have to put up with seeing that other transfems are enthusiastic about disagreeing with them? Those other transfems will feel an us vs. them mentality regarding radical feminists?

A friend of mine put it really well last night:

it isn’t enough to just be ‘normal’ about transmascs and intersex people, actually you do need to be actively working against the now baked in harmful ideologies that have gained traction

I don't want to be normal about these things, I want to be actively anti-transandrophobic, actively anti-intersexist, etc. in a way that sends a clear message to everyone. Being normal about these issues is only normal until it isn't. And even if it forever remained a minority with no threat of growing larger than it is today, TRFs should still have the door slammed in their face until they learn to play nice. If transfems who are Normal really are "normal", then make TRFs feel like pariahs rather than having the unmitigated gall to declare that transmascs invented the transmisogynistic concept of transandrophobia because "2024 is the year transfems united under the banner of transfeminism."

Should we let them have that, and just say oh, well, it's obviously intuitive we're the normal ones and they're the weirdos, we can just quietly continue to consider ourselves the default model of transfem while radical feminism continues to cause more and more division entirely on it's own?

*not that they use that language

anyone may reblog this!

[scummy-writes]

Things I've learned about being in fandoms on tumblr

Sometimes when I am navigating fandom, I will have bouts of... depression? negative feelings? regarding it. I think a lot of people go through this, but in the areas of fandom I buzz around in, I don't see many people talking about ways to sort of re-center yourself and take care of yourself in an online space. I thought I would attempt to share some of my habits I try to follow when I hit one of these moods. So here are 14 of them covering various subjects I run into the most. They will not work for everyone, but I do encourage you to think a bit about each point and see if it would work for you.

Feel free to add some of your own, but I am looking for positive advice that is not meant to put down others in a harmful way. I would also like to preface that I've been in fandoms for over seven years, most of them smaller rather than huge, but a lot of this advice is centered around someone just trying to enjoy the space/enjoying it as a fan creator (writing fanfics in my case). The 'you' used in this is a general usage of the word 'you'.

-> It's good to celebrate milestones, whether its how many followers you have, works you've made in a year, or similar.

However... Don't let this become a competition or reasons to compare yourself to others. We're here to have fun and to celebrate us doing so- don't put completely unneeded and unnessacary competition on it. What's the point of that competition other than to make yourself feel bad or to belittle others? This extends further to notes - no number games. none. You can be proud of the numbers you have gotten, but curb all impulses to swing that in a negative way. The second that starts happening, talk to friends. talk to someone IRL. do something that isn't staring at your notifs, immediately. Even if its listening to silly things while washing the dishes- get out of your notifs tab!!! The numbers game isn't a game you have to be a part of, ever.

-> Don't put other bloggers on pedestals.

It's fine to be a fan of someone's work, and to be excited when they post or even talk to you and you're surprised by it. However, we're all just nerds together in a fandom- maybe don't put them up on a pedestal and hold their opinions/words as gospel rather than things you agree with. There's an unhealthy disconnect there for both parties, and can lead to unhealthy habits of a bad comparison game with one party not even knowing you're comparing yourself or others to them. And I promise that no one likes being pitted against others in those.

-> separating my main blog from my fandom blog has done wonders for me.

This one is a lot more of a 'me' thing that MIGHT be helpful towards others, but it's such a nice thing to have a 'normal' space where I don't have to worry too much about fandomisms but want to be online. I want to reblog other things that are not just fandom related and I don't want people from the fandom blog bothering me for. For the longest time I wasn't very upfront with my main blog purely because I wanted that separation, but for others to block me properly I put it up more bluntly.

I also think that this is good when you want to write about some things, but are nervous. In my example, I get nervous writing about my ocs. So what did I do? Made a sideblog for one, briefly mentioned it, and I post untagged drabbles at times when trying to explore her character. It's more practice on not caring about the note amount each post gets for me, and it makes me more at ease with things not getting any notes while exploring different subjects I don't usually write about.

-> Does everyone seem horrible, or are you just not in a good mood?

This is silly and maybe redundant for some, but it's good to keep a track of IRL verses Online. If IRL is weighing you down so much that you use online as an unhealthy habit (self destructive behaviors towards things you worked hard on, lashing out at friends for things out of their control, lashing out on other bloggers for inane things, focusing your bad mood on notes or fake popularity contests...) then try and figure out the big important things: Have you eaten, slept, drank enough water through the day, or are in pain/annoyance with something offline that you're not realizing? Is it one person online making you feel like this? Have you blocked them? Have you taken healthy breaks offline to reground yourself? When i am randomly bitter about the online world, this is typically my frustrations with smth IRL leaking out, and so I do something to help process that or to breathe through it. My personal go to is getting out of the house so I can listen to music, watch silly videos while putting together a simple craft I bought, or doing chores/playing games.

-> Is the fandom full of cliques, or are you witnessing friends just talking to each other?

I get it, it fucking sucks not being involved in a friend group. You know what makes that worse? By looking at other's friend groups bitterly and making up shit in your mind to justify it. The reality is this: people will be friends with a limited number of people, and frequently talk to them because that is who they are comfortable with.

You not being in that friend group does not mean there is anything wrong with you OR them. The honest truth is that it's hard to keep up with a ton of friends at once, and so people may not respond to your messages, or they might mean to but it gets lost in their hectic IRL, or they just don't mesh with you- and all of that is normal!

And... Really... It takes work to build up a friend group. You have to get out of your comfort zone and send the first few messages. You have to embrace the fact that it's possible a friendship won't pan out. It's natural, it's normal, and doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or the other person. After trying and naturally just talking to people in the fandom, I promise that you will find a friend group of your own.

We are all socially awkward people trying to nervously talk to each other. Yes, even the people you follow that seem like 'everyone' likes them- they are nervous too. we're all just nerds here, remember that.

-> Understand that no one is obligated to do anything.

This ranges from so many things. Here is a list as short as I can manage it to get my point across: No one is obligated to comment, read, like, or reblog any posts. Any posts. No one is obligated to scour for new creatives in the fandom spaces and reblog their work. No one is obligated to tag their posts/creative adventures to your liking. No one is obligated to follow by your DNIs and BYFs. Obligation does not exist. Even your friends are not obligated to do any of this.

It is courtesy to do these things. Blogs will do their best to be supportive by nature, and to try and at least do some of this at any given time, but it's not a requirement. It's NICE to do so and encouraged, but the second you drill it into your head that no one, not even you, are obligated to do this, it's a bit easier to breathe and accept that no, it's a bit insane and difficult to read through 50 fanfics a week and comment a paragraph on all of them while also working on your own things and trying to manage 15 conversations while working 40 hrs a week and and and---

Instead, focus that energy on friends and yourself when you can and accept your own limitations.

-> have other fandoms you enjoy where you DON'T feel pressured to do ANYTHING.

Due to my hard fixation at usually one to two games at a time, I am usually only writing for those at a time- but I need other things to enjoy where I don't feel like I need to make something to post online. I don't feel that pressure from myself, i don't feel the need to try and engage with others. Just a quiet enjoyment for me.

-> If creating is really stressing you out and making you feel worse than better, reflect on the reasons this may be.

Are you hanging out with people who are regurgitating really bad beliefs regarding creation ("shame, you only got twenty notes, that's nothing", "wow fifty notes? that flopped.", "how did this person's shitty work get 30 more notes than me?"). Are you getting anons putting you down? Is your depression convincing you what you've made is worthless? Look at some of the points in this post regarding friends, blocking, and if you're neglecting your body's needs. If that still persists, there may be some self-reflection as to why things get to you so badly. Try to journal out the reasons why until you believe you hit one that is not your depression speaking.

An example: I would freak out about notes because I had friends that would talk around or to me in the examples listed in the previous paragraph. Cutting them off, focusing on friends who focused on the joys of creating, and focusing more on what *I* wanted to write rather than requests... I still get depressed at times but it's been so much more managable now with better support and feeling free creatively. Usually calling myself out at staring at notes helps me shake my head and move on now.

-> Blocking/Filtering is your friend, but maybe don't over do it.

Blocking seems vaguely controversial at times, but I do believe it's needed for a positive fandom experience. Outside of the obvious, the reasons I block people are typically related to how upset I am by something the person has done or said, even if it's related to fancreations. If it's something like them berating others for not believing their headcanon/fanon? Or grossly demonizing some character's mental illness? Or harassing people who dislike some characters and vice/versa? That's all a block for me.

I personally try not to overdo it and make educated decisions based on like, hey, is this just someone misunderstanding and not realizing how they're coming off? Is this someone who I am misreading their tone? Is this just a weird one-off behavior? Ok, then maybe no block button. But if seeing poor takes makes you angry for longer than, say, 20 mins? an hour? It's a week later and you're still all huffy about it and legit pissed? Maybe dig into that while also blocking the person for now.

The Filters aspect of this is similar, but it's a lighter version of blocking for me. Maybe I don't want to block this person but seeing them talk about bugs really stresses me out, so I look at how they tag those posts and filter it out for myself. Maybe I love their fandom blog but they're multi-fandom, so i will filter out a fandom I don't want to see them post about. That's it.

-> Don't be afraid to cut anon off, even if it's for a few weeks at a time.

I feel like those of us who take requests for fan creations are terrified of this a lot, but truly, taking breaks from the anon function should be encouraged. It is indeed a button for shy people, but there are assholes everywhere regardless. When they occupy your time too much or just annoy you, take away their ability to actually say anything to you.

For a creative, sometimes this can feel like the end of the world. But... you Can turn it back on later. I frequently shut it off during major life events, fanfics I am worried I might get weird anons about, when I'm in a randomly bad mood and don't think I can handle it. I Sometimes have it off for months at a time. You can cut it back on. But if anons make you anxious just imagining getting one right now? Flip that off for now. (also please utilize the block function for mean anons!!!)

-> turn those tumblr notifs OFF!!! (mobile) Additional: Turn your status OFF!!!

The only notifications I get on my phone from tumblr is when someone IM's me, and I've had it like this for years. I cannot imagine having my phone constantly going off with random tumblr notifications, I think I would have a bad spike in anxiety having that happen. It would make any negative feelings with notes/followers/number worse for me.

The online status is debatable, some people really don't have an issue with this, but I tend to feel pressured to respond to people asap if they see that my status is online and similar. Those people have not said anything to me regarding it, it's just my personal issue. So..I turn that status off. And it helps me feel better about answering in my own time.

-> Look at who you are communicating with.

Do your friends regularly dunk or mock people on the daily, over shit that is inane and petty? Are you a creative a bit nervous with your work because your friends are pretty rude with how they view other's works? Are you scared to like a character because your friend severely hates them/is attached to them to an unhealthy degree?

There are other subsets to this, but those are ones I find really troubling and try my best to avoid. I dont want to be friends with people who regularly mock others on the legit daily. I don't want to be friends with people who nitpick notes and use notes as a measure on how much worth someone has. I don't want to be friends with people who mock other's creative endeavors.

So... I don't! If I notice things are becoming a salt pit, I try to talk things out at first, but if its clear that's not gonna work, then it's outties for me. It's very true that everyone will salt over something eventually, but it's up to you to decide how severe it is with your friend circle, how it wears you down, and are they really people you want to hang around with if they just make you anxious or stressed all the time?

-> That vaguepost isn't about you.

Friend venting about someone who sounds oddly like you? Does your favorite blog mention something they dislike and you think you fit into that catagory- guess what. It's not about you!!

It's something I struggled with for a while, but eventually I came to terms with it by going "If they truly have an issue with me, they can talk to me one on one. Otherwise, i am assuming that this isn't about me" and gritting my teeth and forcing myself to repeat that until I feel at ease. Truthfully, I also just stopped hanging out with people who do this a ton in a harmful way, so my anxiety about this decreased. If it's an issue, friends should be willing to bring it up to you personally rather than make really meanspirited vagueposts.

-> A personal one I am putting at the end since I believe can easily turn bad, is... Stop looking in the fandom tags if they continiously bum you out.

I will be transparent, I've had bouts of running into a ton of 'why you should love/hate this character' posts over and over, posts that are random but use 50 different character tags, posts about how annoying my fave is, posts from/about bloggers I dislike, etc etc. After a while, I decided to just curate my feed via whoever I was following, and stop looking into tags as often. At most, I do it once every 1-3 months.

Yes, this does limit what all you can see, however... There's only so much information I can take in at once. If I follow people who reblog a ton of fandom content I love and it's different across the board, that's good enough for me and I don't feel negative looking at the tags sometimes.

[p3achyt3acak3]

Friends To Lovers! Lee Felix x Genderfluid Reader

Genre: Friends To Lovers, Fluff ☁️, Angst ⛈️, Angst w/ Comfort ❤️

Warnings ⚠️:Contains Abandonment Issues; Self-Doubt; Rocky Situations; Arguments; Getting Defensive; Misunderstandings; Crying; Self-Deprecation; Heavy Thoughts; Negative Thoughts and Emotions; Panic Attacks (Felix is kinda an ass in this.. Ngl, but he's just freaking out I promise..)(NONE OF THE ACTIONS IN THIS FIC ARE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. THIS IS PURELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES AND DOES NOT CORRELATE TO THE IRL ACTIONS OF THESE PEOPLE)

WC: 15.457K

Another reminder! This is FLUFF that turns into ANGST and then goes into ANGST WITH COMFORT. If you do not feel comfortable with any of the before-mentioned tags, please do not proceed any further. ❤️

There's a lot of stuff you have to remember to grab before leaving the market, and with how many times you've run to do this, it's practically second nature for you to double-check and ensure that everyone has their rightful snacks and drinks for tonight.

Felix had decided to join you this time, though. As much as you appreciated him coming along to provide assistance where it was needed, he often strayed off, getting easily distracted by some silly doo-dad that was in the clearance section of the store, or he was constantly showing you cute yet corny things that he thought you'd get a kick out of.

The only thing that worried you, was how often you turned around, and he just wasn't there anymore.

Being friends with him for over a year now, you should know that this is, in a way, kinda something that Felix does.

Yet every single time he disappears, you're surprised and riddled with worry again. You know he's grown, he can handle himself just fine.. Plus he knows Taekwondo, so if need be, he could easily defend himself.

You just can't help but worry though.

"Tokki(Rabbit)! Look at this!" Nearly scaring you out of your mind, Felix suddenly reappears behind you, holding a greetings card with the view of Seoul at night. "It's so pretty." There's a huge smile on his freckled face, which is covered by a face mask, but still, the divots beneath his eyes give it away.

"Where do you keep finding this stuff? You're like the finder of pointless things." Laughing at his excitement fondly, you observe the greetings card with a small smile of your own, flipping it over to see what else is on the back.

Upon hearing you call it pointless, he gasps with feigned hurt in his voice. "Pointless? To you, maybe, but to someone else, it might just be the best thing to help make their day better."

"Yeah, if you were a dad in his mid-thirties, early forties." You retort, eyes crinkling up at the corners when his own visibly grow wide with shock.

"Are you calling me old?" Trying, and failing, he attempts to sound serious and hurt when he asks this, but the soft giggle at the end blows his cover.

With a smug look on your face, you simply shrug your shoulders, trying to hide the smirk that tries to crawl its way up onto your face. "I don't know, you're the one who said it, not me.. But, I wouldn't say YOU are old, just, your mentality can sometimes be questionable."

This time, Felix looks around the store with wide eyes, then looks at you and points to himself. "Me? Having an old mentality? You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, love, cause that doesn't sound like me at all." Being dramatic, he rolls his eyes. "Plus, aren't you the one who likes dad jokes?"

The Cheshire grin he wears is smug and playful, typical of him.

"You forgot to say 'We' in that sentence." Finally handing the greeting card back to him, you turn on your heel to continue shopping for snacks, giggling softly when you hear Felix suck in a sharp breath.

"Touché.."

By the time the two of you finish up in the market, the group chat that you're all in begins to blow up.

It's mainly Changbin and Lee Know asking why the two of you are taking so long, plus many separated texts of Changbin saying he's "So hungry" over and over again.

Felix ignores his phone in favor of peeking over yours instead, his face mask now off since climbing into the car. "He's always hungry! Tell him to be patient, Tokki!" Even with the toothy smile on his face, he playfully pokes fun at Changbin.

"You have a phone too, ya know." Tilting your phone to the side to act as if you're trying to hide something from him, you giggle and point to his jacket pocket, which you'd seen him tuck his phone into earlier on in the evening. "Quit bein' so nosy and check your messages."

At this, he pretends to pout, but pulls his phone from his pocket nonetheless, his phone screen bright and nearly blinding the both of you. "Crap! I forgot to turn the brightness down, sorry, Tokki.." With a look of disgust on his face, he quickly turns the brightness down and sighs to himself. "Now Seungmin is trying to say we got lost."

Looking back down at the group chat that's still pulled up on your own phone, you see Seungmin still typing, the bubbles dancing on your screen as if to taunt you.

He's just being himself, nothing that the two of you aren't used to, especially not Felix considering he's around him more often than you are.

"A bunch of babies, the lot of them. At least the other three haven't started to complain yet.."

As if they'd heard you say this, Han is the first one to start talking in the chat, but only to tell you and Lix to take your time and to ignore the other idiots. Reading it has you giggling to yourself, already typing out a response. Before you have the chance to hit send though, another message pops up, this one from the person sitting right next to you.

"Maybe you all should learn patience. It's been awhile since we've hung out. It just being me and them was a nice change in pace. We're on the way home so don't worry too much. We got everything you guys wanted, and they even got extra as a thank you for inviting them to hang out with us, so be grateful, please."

At the end of the very long message, there's a few of Felix' typical emojis.

It seems the chat blows up even more after that, and Felix rolls his eyes, tucking his phone away back into his pocket.

Meanwhile, you're reading every message that's sent after that, noting how much most of them are teasing Felix. Though when they tease, you know they do it from a place of love, not hurt, so you find yourself smiling rather than frowning.

"It's a good thing you put your phone away when you did, cause as you probably know, they're teasing you now." There's a short laugh that accompanies your informed warning, and he merely sighs back.

While you're tucking your phone away, a head suddenly lands on your shoulder, which makes you jump just a tiny bit, but when you see who it belongs to, you visibly calm. He's laid his head down on your shoulder, eyes staring absent-minded out the windshield of the company vehicle.

Knowing him, he can be very affectionate. Physical touch is a big thing for Felix. Though for you, you could live without it.

It's weird how that statement just seems to become false when it comes to him though. There have been plenty of moments where the two of you would just cuddle up and enjoy movies or shows, maybe even silly little TikToks on one or the others phone.

There were also plenty of times where you and him shared seemingly random hugs, small touches like back rubs or shoulder massages.. The works.

The boys would often tease the two of you, mainly Felix, but that was because they weren't necessarily used to that kind of attention going to anyone else but the people within the group.

It had also taken some getting used to when they had found out you weren't necessarily male or female, rather, gender-fluid. There were times where you felt masculine and preferred being called by masculine pronouns, and there were times where it was the opposite.

They were very accepting, of course, they just weren't sure how to navigate around means of interacting with you until they saw how Felix did and bounced off of what he did.

"Is it a cuddle day?" You ask, resting your head atop his own while letting your eyes flutter shut.

That was what you both used to describe the days where Felix was feeling particularly affectionate, unable to tear away from whomever he'd decided to cling onto that day.

Wordlessly, he hummed, low and soft, head shifting slightly to get more comfortable. "Been awhile since I've gotten to show you some love." He finds himself admitting out loud. This puts a content smile on your face, dimples forming in your cheeks.

"Well, someone's been really busy for the past few weeks. As much as I love bothering you, you have shit to take care of. I'm here for emotional and moral support." It's an ongoing joke that's shared between the two of you. You're like his detox machine when he needs someone to just hold and cuddle.

"That reminds me.." Suddenly, he's softly tapping on your leg as a sign that he's about to pick his head up, so you quickly move yours out of the way to allow him to do so. When he's facing you fully, his eyes are beaming, shining like twinkling moonlit stars that rise high above in the sky on a clear night. "Have you been keeping up to date with what we've been up to as of late?"

From just looking at him, you can tell he's trying to contain the excitement. He's biting down on his bottom lip, practically bouncing out of his seat.

"You're lucky I like you.. Yes, I've been keeping up to date. From what I've heard or seen at least, you guys are working on something special for STAY." Having remembered a few posts here and there from news outlets and the like about the up and coming project the boys were working on, you have a vague idea as to what he may be implying when he asks if you're caught up.

At this, he smiles even wider, if that's possible..

Seeing him this happy over sharing this type of stuff, genuinely brings you joy.

He starts to go into detail about what he and the rest of the group have been working on, and the excitement and giddiness that practically radiates from him as he explains, just oozes contagious joy.

No wonder everyone calls him the 'Sunshine' of the group.

The entire time he talks, you sit there and absorb it like a sponge. When it comes to things like this, you are always very attentive. You think it's more or less fondness.

Even as the two of you make your way up to the dorms, bags in each hand, he talks to you about any and everything. It's not even about the up and coming project for STAY anymore, and yet, you can't seem to tune him out or even attempt to.

Not that you'd want to anyway.

Hearing him talk so excitedly about anything, was honestly the highlight of your day.

He only stops talking when the door opens, Chan standing in the doorway with his arms extended, offering to help lessen the load for you both. "We've got it Chan, but thank you for the offer." You're the one to decline his help, shooting a soft smile in his direction before making your way into the kitchen to start putting up the frozen snacks before they start to melt.

"Ahh, look who finally decided to show up! You guys were so slowwww! Even Channie Hyung doesn't take that long to get our snacks!" This comes from the living room. Particularly Seungmin.

"Yahhh, be grateful or hush!" Without a second to breathe, Han immediately scolds Seungmin for his impatience.

"They only took so long because Felix was too busy distracting... I'm sorry, what pronouns are you going by today?" Seungmin stops in the middle of his rant to ask you, which you find really sweet.

Without wasting a beat, you provide him with an answer. "He/him, thank you for asking." The smile that's curled up on your lips is so wide that your dimples are prominent, and Felix comes up from behind you to playfully pinch at them, laughing like a gremlin before hurrying out of the kitchen so as not to incur your wrath.

"They only took so long because Felix was too busy distracting him. Probably clung to him the entire time." Seungmin finally finishes what he had started to say before interrupting himself to ask for your pronouns. "Not to mention the fact that he's always all over him whenever they finally see each other again after like.. Two days of being away from each other.."

Now, the entire dorm has become a hellish chaotic nightmare, which you are more than used to. It's gotten loud, and even Chan has pitched into the conversation from time to time.

"It wasn't just a couple of days, Seungmin! It was a few weeks! I'd also like to add that I WASN'T all over him the entire time.. I just kept showing him silly little trinkets and stuff like that.." You hear the sunshine try to defend himself.

But it seems it was all for naught.

"Isn't that the same thing? 'Hey, Tokki! Look at these odd little things I found!', 'Hey, isn't this thing so ugly that it's cute?'." Seungmin counters, mimicking Felix in his best attempt at a deep voice.

You can't help but chuckle fondly at the playful banter between them, finally making your presence known when you take a seat on the couch beside Felix, the bag of snacks you'd bought sitting atop your lap.

"Ehhh.. I wouldn't really consider that being all over him.. I mean, Lix does the same thing to us whenever we're all out to shop or just look around.. He does always find the weirdest things.." This time it's Chan who pitches in, brows raised in amusement at how corny and pointless the current conversation is.

"And why, are we having this conversation?" Hyunjin steps into the living room from the hallway, shaved head now dyed a platinum blond that you hadn't known about at all until now.

Felix immediately beams when he walks in, thinking that Hyunjin will be an escape goat.

"Seungmin is trying to say that I was all over him at the market, but I wasn't." Explaining the entirety of the situation to Hyunjin in as few words as possible, he once again believes that he'll be on his side for the current debate.

Hyunjin looks over at you and smiles very faintly, tilting his head in a curious way, before bringing that attention back over to Felix. "Well, knowing you, you probably were all over him. You have a tendency to be extra affectionate with him when you haven't seen him for awhile, but hey, I'm not going to judge." Putting his hands up as if to surrender, he laughs a little and takes a seat beside Chan, who's sitting on the couch opposite of the one you and Felix are currently taking up.

To say the look of shock on Felix' face is small, is a huge understatement.

"I think you're all just jealous because he was my best friend first." Pouting playfully, he crosses his arms against his chest and leans back against the couch. "Just jealous babies." In a much quieter voice, he adds.

"Why would we be jealous when it seems you're very happy, Yongbok..?" This time it's Jeongin who weasels his way into the conversation, head peeking out from around the corner of the kitchen with a frozen ice cream, one that you'd literally just got done putting away not even five minutes ago. "We aren't jealous, we're just sad that we aren't getting all of that affection as much anymore.."

He looks hesitant to say this, and when Changbin and Lee Know start to coo and awe at him, you can understand why.

Being the Maknae had its perks and its travesties as well..

"I still give you guys just as much affection as I do him.. What on Earth gave you the idea that I haven't?" Bewildered, Felix looks genuinely shocked at this new revelation, leaning forward to place his hands on his knees.

"When I say this, Lixie, know that it comes from a place of love, but.. You're not nearly as touchy feely with us as you are with him.." Ever the quiet one, who had, until now, decided to stay out of the conversation, Han speaks up in a matter-of-fact tone, brows furrowed in a way that lets everyone in the room know he's not trying to hurt anyone's feelings with his blunt comment.

Normally, you wouldn't intervene in conversations like this.. What happens between Felix and the boys is his business, even if you're a spectator or you just so happen to be there.

But..

Considering the topic is currently about you, you choose to step in this time.

"I must really be blind then, because as far as I've been made aware, Lix hasn't been as affectionate with me as most of you have been claiming he has.."

Maybe you really hadn't been paying as much attention as the rest of them were, or maybe they were just being over dramatic as they usually tended to be. Either way, you never thought anything of it when Felix had suddenly grown rather affectionate and touchy every now and then.. You were used to it. It didn't bother you in the slightest either.

From across the room, Lee Know scoffs, though he quickly masks it with a short cough.

"That's because you're the one on the inside.. We're on the outside looking in and we see things you can't." Chan awkwardly laughs, sucking in a breath through his teeth when he realizes he's suddenly agreed with the rest of them. "Look.. We really don't mean harm or foul when we say this or point this out, but it's just an observation.. I won't lie, I've seen it a few times as well, but I never step in, unless Lix comes to be directly and asks me to."

Which honestly, he's never had to do..

At least from your side of things..

Felix this entire time has been quiet, unusually so. When you peer over at him from the corner of your eye, you see he has a blank expression on his face, lips pursed together in a thin line.

That's a look you definitely hadn't seen for awhile.

In an attempt to steer away from the current topic, you gather everyone's attention and ask them what movie they'd like to watch for the night.

That was originally the whole point of running to get those snacks.

In the end, the movie that gets chosen, is a rather lengthy one. It's an action movie that Changbin had suggested you all watch, and considering it was his turn to pick for movie night, you were all forced to watch it.

Normally, movies like this you enjoyed, and often times would find yourself watching a few with Changbin whenever the two of you had hung out. Right now though, halfway through the movie, you crave nothing more than to go home.

Ever since that conversation about how touchy feely Felix had apparently been towards you, he'd gotten into a weird mood, one you had no idea was even possible for him to go through.

He was silent, save for the few times he made comments about the movie or talked to the other boys when the movie was paused for bathroom breaks. As much as you hated to admit it to yourself as well.. You realized he had not bothered an attempt to cuddle with you let alone rest his head on your shoulder since sitting down. He wasn't even under the same blanket as you, which was also odd, because normally he would be.

By the time the next bathroom break rolls around, most everyone besides you, Felix, and Chan, have gotten up to use the bathroom or restock their snacks, and the weird vibe that Felix is giving off finally bothers you to the point where something needs to be said.

"Lix?" Speaking in a whisper, you attempt to get his attention.

Right now, he's scrolling through his Instagram feed, not really liking any posts, just looking.

When he hears you call out to him, he doesn't even pull his face away from the phone screen, just releases a deep 'hmm?' sound that only bothers you even more.

He's never acted this way at all..

"Is everything alright? You've been kinda quiet.. Is Changbin' choice for the movie boring you?" Trying to crack a joke to try and help get him out of whatever headspace he's in, you laugh softly. Though you are even further confused and a little sad when Felix doesn't really pick up on the humor.

"Nope. It's a good movie. I'm just scrolling through my Insta posts right now. I'm also exhausted, didn't get much sleep last night." What should've been a more lengthy response, had been shortened down to just a few words, and that was that.

He'd gone back to scrolling through his phone after that, and it honestly felt like a slap to the face.

Maybe he really was exhausted.

You weren't going to read too much into his current behavior.

Worrying would only makes things worse, and being pushy right now was the last thing you or him needed, let alone probably wanted.

There was a lingering feeling in the back of your mind, though. Something that kept telling you something was definitely up with him and he just didn't want to talk about it, but you pushed it deep down and re-centered your focus on the movie once everyone had sat down again.

Once the movie was over, it was late, too late for you to feel comfortable enough walking home by yourself.

"I know I can't crash here.. So I'm just gonna order an Uber.. I don't really feel comfortable walking home when it's this late out." Chan had asked what you wanted to do considering it was relatively late now, and you had been explaining it to him.

Felix was no longer sitting beside you on the couch, rather, sitting on a loveseat that was in the corner of the living room.

This behavior was so weird, but you tried your best to ignore it and not think too much into it.

"Please, don't worry about getting an Uber. I can walk you home if you'd like? Normally I'd ask the company driver to escort you, but he's more than likely inside for the night, so I don't think that's an option.." Chan offers, rubbing the back of his neck in an awkward way.

It's kind of him to offer, and honestly, the amount of money you have leftover from your last paycheck after paying the bills and rent for the month, is embarrassingly low..

"I'll walk him home." Before you even have the chance to accept his offer, Felix pipes up from the loveseat, lips still pursed into a thin line. "Get some sleep, Chris.. You need it." Trying to be thoughtful of his best mate, he pats his back and offers a small smile. "Just let me get my jacket and then we can leave."

Chan looks a bit bewildered and confused by this, but shakes his head and offers a smile of his own. "Well.. I guess I'll see you when I see you. Please be safe, both of you. If anything happens, call me." He more or less looks at Felix when he says this, but you know it applies to you as well.

After bidding Chan a good night, the two of you leave the dorm, beginning to walk back to your place.

The sound of shoes hitting the pavement is the only thing you can hear. A devastating silence drowns out the nightlife of Seoul as well.

"I have some free time next Saturday if you want to hang out and maybe have lunch together or something." Your voice cuts through the thick tension that stills in the air.

"Can't. Busy that day." Once again, his response is short and directly to the point. You can even sense the emotionless way with which he says it too.

Something definitely isn't right and hasn't been since earlier on in the evening.

"O..Kayyy? Guess not then." At this point, you're finding yourself growing angry with the way he is acting rather than sad as you had before. As far as you're aware, you did absolutely nothing wrong, so the fact that he's acting like this around you is just wrong.

You don't even attempt to talk to him anymore for the remainder of the walk, too angry to even look at him.

Felling angry with Felix was very uncommon. In fact, you can't even remember a time since being his friend, where you'd even so much as felt upset with him. Annoyed, sure. But upset? That was an entirely different ballpark.

By the time you both get to your apartment, both pairs of sneakers stopping at the same time, you're so angry that you don't even acknowledge him or say goodnight when you walk inside, leaving him behind without so much as a glance behind you.

Not even a 'Thank you' is shared.

It would've been better to just take Chan up on his offer. You'd have rather spent the walk home in awkward fits of laughter rather than have to go through what you just did with someone who you've been friends with for a longer period of time. If he was just going to act like this, then why the hell did he even offer to walk you home in the first place?

You decide to text Chan, telling him you made it home safely and that Felix should be on his way back, carrying yourself into your stuffy apartment with what feels like a barbell just sitting atop your shoulders. It's heavy, weighing you down, making you feel far more exhausted than normal, and you fucking hate it.

Chan texts back as soon as you're done getting ready for bed, nearly twenty minutes after you'd texted him.

Channie: Did something happen between you and Lix? I don't mean to pry, but like..

There's an attachment photo of Lix just sitting on the couch with his phone in his hands, a blank expression written across his face.

Channie: He hasn't moved from that spot since he got back. Hasn't even bothered to take off his jacket.

Honestly. Even though you're angry and upset with how Felix has been acting, seeing him sitting there like that, and having Chan be so worried about him, just makes you inexplicably sad all over again.

You: Not that I know of? He's been acting fucking weird with me. The entire walk home was pretty much like talking to a brick wall. Not to mention the fact that he was kinda giving short and emotionless answers. Ever since that conversation about how affectionate he is with me earlier, he's been weird, and I don't know why.

Chan reads the message but says nothing after that.

Whatever.

You're really fed up with bullshit.

You're not gonna take it either.

Felix had come to you when you were at a low point in your life. Your mom and dad didn't approve of your life choices. They wanted you to go to school to become a nurse or something more successful than an assistant for a bunch of well off people.

No matter how you tried to explain that being an assistant was also just as good as anything else they would've wanted, if not better, they just didn't want to hear it.

You were nothing to them. Nothing but a disappointment. It didn't help at all that their precious daughter had come out as someone who didn't identify as one gender or the other, rather whatever they felt the most at any given point.

You were happy though, content as well.

Though when the big fight that ended every single year of life you spent with them, you were broken beyond repair. Your shitty ex-girlfriend had even said you were too much to deal with being so sad and depressed all the time, especially when she had her own mental health to worry about, so she'd up and gone on you too.

To say you were lower than low at that point, was a huge understatement.

Everything seemed pointless.

You were scared, confused, sad, and very very.. Alone..

Being alone was something you fucking hated.

Despised.

LOATHED, even.

The anxiety you felt when being alone, was just unreal..

When Felix had randomly showed up out of nowhere, the one time a group you were staffing for had to do a collaboration with them, he picked you up and put you back together in the best ways possible.

The more time you spent with him off to the side, the more you realized he was actively trying to make you happy without saying it.

His personality, his smile, everything about him was just too good to pass up.

After being alone for so long, it felt good to finally have someone like him to talk to.

He'd been the first person you'd opened up to about everything that had happened in your life. The situation with your parents, ex, even about how you came out to them and received such bad backlash from the people that birthed you and raised you.

That day, he'd made a promise.

"I will never make you feel that way, ever, I promise. You're not alone, Tokki. You have me."

Thinking back on how the two of you had first met brought a smile to your face, but that smile quickly vanished when you remembered things weren't really the best right now.

Turning your phone off for the night, giving up on waiting for a response back from Chan, let alone a text from Felix, you ended up falling asleep with a sinking feeling nestled in the depths of your stomach.

-

-

-

-

It's gotten ridiculous at this point.

No one has contacted you, no one has spoken a word to you.

The group chat shared between you and the rest of the boys has been mostly silent except for the few times one of them, excluding Chan and Felix, asks if you'd like to hang out with them.

You're not in the mood to do anything of the sort.

Each time you decline, using work as an excuse.

It's been a couple of weeks since that whole fiasco with Felix, and not once has he bothered to send a text.

Chan still hasn't even replied to what you'd said that night either.

You're getting to the point where work is being used as a distraction and you're overworking yourself. Taking more hours, losing sleep, not really taking care of yourself either.

Right now, the only important thing in your life, is that of your job.

"You really need to take a break, Jagi.. You've been working non-stop for a couple of weeks now." Joong worries, accepting the cup of tea you'd prepared for him that morning.

"I'm just doing my job. I have nothing else to do, and I'm more than happy to help you and your boys out as much as possible." The smile you give him doesn't reach your eyes though, and he can see that.

Leaning back in his chair, he sighs, setting his cup of tea down on the table with a soft thud. "It's nice to hear that we're helping you feel comfortable, but you also have to take care of yourself. You haven't been getting sleep, you fall asleep quite frequently during very important meetings, which is fine with me, I'm not going to complain, because you're not our head manager, but it still worries me, Jagi.." His brows are furrowed, eyes locked on you like a target he's aiming at at a shooting range.

"I'm fine, I promise. Your safety and comfort is my top priority. I'd be useless otherwise."

The smile still doesn't reach your eyes.

He misses when you were actually happy..

Not just faking it..

"Now that I think about it.. You haven't been leaving work right after your shift ends for a few weeks now.. I know you used to hang out a lot with Chan and his boys after work, but lately you haven't.. Did something happen between you guys?" Before you can even respond, let alone react, he adds, "Felix. That's the one that usually comes to visit a lot when you're off, why haven't we seen him as much lately?"

Your throat feels dry.

Coarse.

The last thing you want to think about, is Felix. So far you'd successfully managed to distract yourself from him by working and occupying yourself with loads more tasks than you were originally assigned, but now that HongJoong, the leader of Ateez, mentions him, you're almost right back in your downwards spiral.

"They've been busy. They have a comeback soon." Is the bluntest answer you've given him all day.

He doesn't really believe you, but he can tell that the topic seems to be a sensitive one, so he decides to back off, pursing his lips while grabbing his cup of tea once more.

"I forgot about that honestly.. We've been so busy with our own stuff that it's hard to stay in the loop sometimes.. I'm proud of them though, I know this comeback is going to be just as good if not even better than the last."

Work seems to pass by in a flurry of colors for you after that.

Another text from Changbin, separate from the group chat, greets you as soon as you head out of the building for the day.

Binnie: Come to the studio today, got something to show you! If you need me to send a car for you, just let me know!

As much as you don't want to go, you do miss being around the boys.. Besides, it's just gonna be Changbin, given the intonation of the message he sent.

With a soft sigh, you grip the strap of your work bag even tighter, before making your way to the bus stop.

You: Alright, I'll be there in twenty. Gonna grab a coffee.

The bus ride back to your apartment is rather crowded and anxiety inducing. Your clothes are a disheveled mess by the time you do clamber off in front of the JYP building, thanking the bus driver, before he shuts the door in your face and leaves to keep up with the schedule.

You're nervous.

Insanely so.

It's been a few weeks since you've seen any of them.

What if you bump into Felix?

No..

You came here to see Changbin.

Whatever happens, will happen.

It's inevitable you'll bump into someone that works for or under JYP.

When you step inside, the atmosphere is tense, like everyone is scrambling to meet deadlines or stay focused on their assigned jobs. It's then that you remember, it's not just Stray Kids who is having a comeback at JYP.. There are other groups, boy and girl groups, that have comebacks coming up as well, so the building seems to be extra busy.

On your way to the studio where Changbin had told you to meet up with him, you nearly run into a shorter woman, her hair done up in two pigtails. She's wearing bright and colorful makeup, her outfit a mix of pinks and whites. "I'm so sorry!" You're the first to apologize, bowing down low with embarrassment.

You realize that it's Mina, a girl apart of the group, Twice, who is also contracted under JYP.

She apologizes as well, waving her hands in front of her face, before she smiles and rushes past you, obviously late to something important.

When you finally do get to the studio, you knock, and wait patiently for someone to answer.

Though you're not entirely prepared for who answers the door.

Felix, in the middle of laughing, opens the door, his head turned as though he's looking at one of the members who's currently inside, so he doesn't know it's you that stands there, frozen in shock and confusion.

By the time he finally does turn his head, his smile and laughter stops suddenly, and his face falls. It's not really a frown, more like a look of surprise.

"Ahhh! There you are, cutie! Come in, hurry up!" Changbin shouts from inside. You peer behind Felix to see that Changbin is sitting in the chair that's set up right in front of the recording booth, a pencil in his hands. He's looking at you with a big smile on his face, eyes sparkling with mischief.

It seems he'd planned this.

Felix wordlessly moves out of the way so you can enter the room, taking a seat on the black leather couch behind the producer desk. He pulls his phone out and pretends you're not even there, and quite honestly, seeing that, hurts.

"Why'd you ask me to come, Bin?" There's no doubt a hint of hurt laced in your voice, but it's easily overlooked, unintentionally, by the excitement that Changbin is currently exuding.

"I thought it would be better to tell you this in person rather than over text, but... Oneeee of us just got done wrapping up a collab with Lisa." He looks over in Felix' general direction when he says this, a proud smile on his face.

Maybe he's unaware of what's going on between the two of you currently.

"That's.. Nice.. I'm proud.. I know it's going to be great." Your voice sounds extremely strained, and it's obvious that you're more than exhausted.

Seeing Felix, this time, you feel the need to cuddle up with him, not the other way around. It's weird because you're not usually the one craving affection or touch.

"There was more I had to say, but Chan just texted me saying he needs help with something, so I have to leave for a few minutes. I'll be right back! Please don't leave yet! I promise it'll be worth the wait." Bin's brows are furrowed when he looks down at his phone, rolling his eyes from what you guess is the text that Chan had sent him.

Before you can even utter an, 'Alright, see you in a bit.', he's already up and out of his seat, the door closing shut behind you while leaving you and Felix alone.

It's way too awkward.

You feel your throat constricting. Maybe a drink will help.

Digging around in your work bag, you find the bottle of water you'd purchased before leaving for the day, opening it and taking a much needed sip.

The silence that snakes itself around the studio is very deafening. You feel out of place, like you're drowning, head being held under water with no way to escape nor come up for air. It's humiliating just how gross you feel all of a sudden.

"You haven't been getting sleep.." Seemingly from thin air, Felix finally decides to speak to you, and of course, it's him pointing out the obvious.

"Yeah.. Work has been busy." It's time he had a taste of his own medicine. Sharing short, emotionless answers to his statements or questions, you feel the disappointment and anger begin to bubble up in the back of your throat.

On top of that, you just want to cry.

"Joong isn't making you work harder, is he?"

NOW he seems concerned about you..

After weeks of not even bothering to send so much as a 'Good morning' text.

"No. I'm just doing my job. What I'm supposed to do." Yet another short and blunt reply is what he's rewarded with. This one had been a bit more snappy and rude, but if he'd picked up on it, he'd decided to leave it alone instead of addressing it.

"What pronouns are you comfortable with right now, love?" His voice is wispy, quiet, like he's on the verge of crying, but from looking at him, you know he isn't.

Shrugging your shoulders, you basically brush him off with an, "I don't care. Call me whatever."

That finally seems to get him to realize that something is off.

"Is something bothering you?" The fact that he wears such a befuddled look on his face really does push you.

This time, you don't even bother to answer, the anger you feel boiling over.

"Or you can ignore me.. That's fine too.." Although he whispers it under his breath, you still hear it, and that's what finally does break the camel's back.

"Ignore you? That's funny, cause that seems to be what you've been doing to me lately." You're angry, cheeks warm, ears burning. The past few weeks of abandonment, being alone, stewing in your work and gross thoughts, it's starting to come out.

His eyes are wide when he snaps his head back up to really look at you again. "I've been busy??? What are you even talking about?"

"Okay, let's play pretend Felix, ignore what's really been going on for the past few weeks. Pretend it doesn't fucking exist." At this point, just looking at him is pissing you off.

You hate that you even FEEL this way about him right now.

"No, you don't get to come in here and yell at me like that when I've been busy. Sorry for not sending you a 'Good morning' text every day. Sorry for not spending every single minute of off time I have, catering to you and what you want. That's not fucking fair and you know it."

Hearing Felix raise his voice, let alone curse, is a rarity in itself.

It's very hard to piss him off or even get him to that point period, and you were able to do so with barely a push.

You're in complete and utter disbelief at what he's just said to you. Acting like you've always been the clingy one. The one who was texting him throughout the day when you were at work despite it being the other way around.

In a way, he's basically saying you're fucking needy.

Clingy.

That shit, really hurts.

Especially since he knows just how shitty your life had been before meeting him.

He looks like he's about to say more, but you don't even give him the chance to.

"Fuck you, Felix. Really. You're such a piece of shit."

The words come tumbling past your lips before you even have the chance to stop them.

It hurts you to even say such a thing, but he hurt you, and your defense mechanism was hurting him right back.

Without so much as another word, you leave the studio, far too boiled over to even think about staying for the sake of waiting on Changbin to hear the rest of the news he had to share with you.

-

-

-

-

Unfortunately, that hadn't been the last of your sour interactions with Felix.

In fact, things seemed to have gotten worse.

He had outright blocked your number, blocked your socials, blocked you on everything and anything you both had, and you only found out because he disappeared from your feed on everything.

It was a shitty way to find out, sure, but what angered you the most, is that he was still being a dick to you without probable cause.

What had you done to deserve this type of treatment from him?

Hell, where had the sunshine boy from a month ago gone? Why the fuck was he replaced with someone who was just being hurtful and distant?

At least Chan had started talking to you again..

For some unknown reason.

Channie: I know it's probably the last thing you and him want right now, but the two of you need to come together and talk this out. Mean Felix is NOT fun to deal with.

For the third time this week, Chan was insisting you come and talk to Felix about everything, try to sort things out, and for the third time, you outright told him you refused.

Rightfully so, you were hurt. You were upset. You were angry. Every negative emotion you could feel, was being felt.

Though, the universe seemed to have other plans for you, because Chan had finally decided he couldn't take it anymore, and had showed up at your apartment on one of your days off, with Felix behind him.

"I'm going out for a bit. Felix is staying here and the two of you are going to talk this out like real fucking adults. I'm sick and tired of this. The two of you are acting like children and it needs to stop."

Welp, there was Leader Chan/Dad Chan..

Felix looked like he was about to say something, but was cut off by a glare from Chan, which caused him to seal his lips shut once more, instead focusing his gaze on the welcome mat in front of your door.

Without a word, you stepped to the side and allowed Felix to walk in, and he was quick to brush past you, walking out of earshot apparently because Chan leaned forward and whispered, "Please talk to him. Please. I've only been able to do and say so much. I'm honestly out of options. Help me out this once. I promise to pay you back with a favor whenever you need it." He was pleading with you, begging you to try and fix whatever had been broken with Felix for the past month.

"I..." Pausing with a hesitant breath, you sighed. "Okay.. I can't promise anything, really.. I said something that really hurt his feelings last time we actually spoke to each other in person, so I'm not even sure he'll want to talk to me, but I'll try..." As much as you didn't want to, you also didn't want to incur Chan's wrath.

Scary Chan was not a very pleasant sight to see to say the least.

When Chan leaves, you finally go back inside, only to find Felix sitting on your couch, phone in his hand while a loud TikTok trend blasts through the open space.

"Felix." His name feels foreign on the edge of your tongue, yet you will yourself to say it anyway.

This is for Chan.

This is to help Chan and the rest of the group so they don't have to deal with a grumpy Felix all the time.

You have to keep reminding yourself of this every time you get the urge to back out and just go back to not wanting to talk to him let alone see him.

"We really need to work this out. This isn't good for either of us, and it isn't good for your group either." You're trying to be optimistic, calm even, but it seems the conversation is about to go in an entirely different direction.

"There's nothing to work out. You said what you said. I heard it loud and clear." He puts his phone down and looks at you with pursed lips, expression blank.

His words only make bile rise to your throat, a gross feeling slithering its way through your body like a venomous snake. "You said some hurtful things too, Lix.. This isn't like you.. You usually always take accountability." You want to cry, really, the urge is strong.

"I voiced how I felt and you told me I was a piece of shit? What do I need to take accountability for?" There's a hint of mock amusement in his tone when he says this, and it only irks you even further.

"Is what you said about me really how you feel?" Asking this out of nowhere, the room suddenly goes silent, the tension so thick that not even the strongest blade in the world could possibly cut through it. "Do you really think I want your attention 24/7 whenever you have free time? Do you really think I expect you to always cater to my needs when I know you're just as busy, if not even more busy than I am?" It hurts to say everything out loud, to repeat back to him exactly what he'd said to you that day, but it needs to be done.

When he doesn't answer, turning his head away from you, you take that as a sign that maybe you haven't broken through to him yet. Haven't made him see just how wrong it was for him to treat you the way that he did.

"I have only asked for one thing from you Felix. Respect my choice to be Genderfluid. Respect my pronouns, that is all. So tell me, do you really feel that way about me? Am I really that needy? Clingy? I need to know so I can fix it. I can't fix what you don't fucking tell me." With a shaky voice, you try your best to keep your composure, to keep the facade of being fucking pissed off at him, real. It's proving to be more than difficult though.

"I don't want to talk about this. Really. I wish Chan hadn't dragged me all the way over here just for me to get lectured like I'm a child."

This really is uncharacteristic for Felix.

Though, maybe he'd had a mask on the entire time he was with you.

That was the last thing you wanted to believe.

"What did I do to you Felix? What did I do to you to deserve the amount of shit I've gotten from you the past month? Ever since Seungmin brought up the fact that you're more affectionate with me than them, you've not only been hella distant with me, but your mood has done a complete 180. You treat me like crap, and I'm fucking sick and tired of it." You're being honest, voicing your balled up feelings so loud that you're almost positive your neighbors can hear, but you don't care.

Once again, the room is filled with a deafening silence.

"I don't want to talk about this. I'm going back to the dorms." Repeating himself again, he gets up from your couch, brushing right past you to head to the door without so much as taking a glance back.

"Felix. If you walk out that door right now, do not expect me to come crawling back begging for forgiveness. Our friendship will end right here." It's a threat, one that you intend to make happen should he actually follow through with leaving you here. "You promised me you wouldn't treat me like this. You promised me you wouldn't fucking do this shit to me. So if you walk out that door, you're willingly allowing our friendship to fucking dissolve."

He pauses, hand inches away from the doorknob.

What he says next really shakes you to your core. Really fucking rattles your brain and drives it into panic mode.

"I'm tired of being held down like this. Just.. Leave me alone, please."

With that final thought, he leaves, the drowning sound of your door clicking back into place making you stand in the middle of your living room like a fucking idiot.

Fuck..

You can feel yourself panicking.

Had he really just fucking walked out?

He knows..

He knows you have fucking issues with this shit.

Yet he just walked out.

With barely any hesitation.

The first thing you want to do is message Chan, let him know that things didn't go well, but.. You just can't bring yourself to do it.

Now that Felix had willingly walked out of your life, there was no need to keep in contact with the others.

It would just be awkward if you tried.

As much as you cared for each of them in their own way..

That was probably what hurt the most.

All of the friends you'd made THROUGH Felix, were now void.

You had to have fucked up. You had to have done or said something to make Felix switch up on you that quickly.. There had to be a reason for all of this.. There just had to be.

Maybe you were the problem.

Clingy. Needy. Paranoid.

Just a fucking disappointment.

Fuck, why couldn't you do anything right? You couldn't even keep your own parents in your life, let alone a girlfriend. What made you possibly think you could keep friends in your life?

It feels like the room is closing in on you and you find yourself curling into a ball on your living room floor, hands gripping the sides of your head as your eyes screw shut tightly.

You're trying to think positively. Trying to reassure yourself that this wasn't entirely your fault, but none of it is working.

His words from the day the two of you had decided to call each other 'Friend' just continues to play itself on repeat in your head, followed by the image of him just leaving the apartment. It's making you spiral our of control.

You've royally screwed up..

Shit has officially hit the fan and you're the one to blame.

A couple days go by where you're kinda just in limbo. Your body is repeating the same every day mundane tasks it's used to. You get up, go to work, come home, and try to get as much sleep as you possibly can.

It's a cycle that can't be broken.

If your job wasn't the only thing keeping your body moving right now, you're not entirely sure what you'd be doing.

Crying and disassociating in your room most likely..

On the other end of things, Felix is taking things just as hard, if not harder than you are.

He's fucking sick to his stomach.

How could he even do that to you?

The look on your face when he left was just too much, yet he still chose to walk right out that door.

His attitude has shifted once more. No longer grumpy Felix, but rather, depressed Felix. Not one is better than the other, according to the rest of them, but he's way too into his own head to even listen to them.

He had been treating you unfairly..

It was wrong of him.. So wrong, but he was scared.. Fucking terrified. When Seungmin had called him out on his advances towards you, he realized that he needed to distance himself. He needed to stay away from you, so that he didn't fuck things up and say or do something stupid to scare you away.

His feelings weren't complicated at the time.

Chan had been the only one who really knew about how he truly felt about you. How he'd started to develop feelings for you shortly after the two of you had become friends.

Honestly, Chan had seen it way before he did, but hadn't brought it up until Felix had gone to him and told him directly.

The night he walked you home, he wanted nothing more than to talk to you properly. Wanted to confess to you how he really felt. Though when push came to shove, he froze up and found himself staying silent, giving you short, curt answers that he knew would throw you off.

He had no idea what he was supposed to do..

It's not like he was well versed in actually liking someone in a romantic way.

The only love he ever gave was to his members and STAY.

Always the sunny, carefree, sweet one of the group.

The one who was expected to always be happy and catering to others' needs rather than take care of his own.

Heaven forbid he have an off day..

Sometimes it really was tiring, but he loved what he did, he loved his members, he loved everyone who supported him.. But sometimes, the image that everyone had created in their heads of him, was not who or what he actually was.

He was only human, same as everyone else.

When he realized he liked you far more than was acceptable for friend status, he got thrown for a loop and things became difficult.

Try as he might to remain relatively natural around you, his actions grew bolder, his hints got more obvious, and most of the time it was without his knowledge.

How else was he supposed to react? You were honestly a breath of fresh air for him. Most people would look at him and freak out because he's 'Felix from Stray Kids', which, of course, he really really doesn't mind, it makes him happy.. But.. With you, there was no such reaction.

First thing you even said to him was, 'Who are you? Are you staff?'

At the time it had been funny. He was genuinely surprised you really hadn't heard of him despite being apart of the staff for Ateez, a group that his own got along with quite swimmingly.

To be fair, the day that you'd met, he wasn't in his stage makeup, let alone any makeup at all, so he looked more or less like a normal staff member..

It felt nice.

To not be recognized purely as 'Felix, the sunshine boy of Stray Kids'.

Now that things had inexplicably become horrid between the two of you, he wishes he'd gone back and done things differently.

Really..

Whatever was going through his mind to make him think that what he'd said and done was okay, was just appalling to him.

"Okay, I'm tired of this Felix.. And I know everyone else is fed up with it too. What's going on with you? Why are you moping around so much?"

Surprisingly, it's Lee Know who asks this. Usually it's Han or Chan. Jeongin will occasionally check on him too, but other than that, each of them knows and respects the space that each other needs sometimes.

"Don't really want to talk about it right now, Lee Know.." He curls in on himself, burying his face into the couch cushion to try and avoid looking at him. "I just messed up. I messed up so bad.." For some reason, he changes his mind when he feels Lee Know take a seat beside him on the couch in silence.

There's tears already welling up in his eyes. His heart hurts, his body hurts, everything just feels pained and weighed down right now. It's hard to breathe let alone swallow.

"You're talking about them, aren't you." Acutely aware as always, Lee Know guesses what the source of Felix' current depressive mood has stemmed from. When he doesn't respond, he feels Lee Know shift a little. "I may not know everything, and you don't have to explain everything. What happens outside of everything that happens here, is your own business.. But, you need to seriously sit down and talk to them properly. It's obvious to me that you actually really like this person. I've seen the way you act around them, how happy they make you, and it's a different kind of happy that we can't get from you."

Felix lifts his head up just a little, panic settling into his gut when Lee Know says this. His eyes are still welling up with tears, but at this point, it looks as if they're ready to come falling down at any moment now.

"It's not a bad thing, Lix.. A lot of people are like that. I'm not saying that you don't treat us fairly, don't give us enough care and attention, because quite honestly.." He scrunches his nose up, a look of disgust on his face. "You do.. In fact, far more than I care for.." He's joking. Felix knows this.

If Felix had stopped showing them all the amount of affection he had already been providing for them, then he knows that they'd all worry and ask what was going on with him.

"I said some really.. Really mean things to them.. I hurt them.. I broke my promise to never treat them the way that they had been treated before they met me.. They were right to be mad, to call me names, to feel the way that they did.. Because I genuinely treated them like garbage.." Saying it out loud is far different than thinking it in his head, so hearing himself say this, finally pushes the tears past the corners of his eyes.

"I turned my back on them even though I knew if I did, they would never want to see me again. I WILLINGLY allowed that to happen because I was too stuck in my own head. Just knowing that they're probably hurting so fucking bad right now, hurts me so much.. I want to be there for them.. I want to apologize.. I want to make it up to them.. I just.." He's turned into a blubbering mess, quiet sobs being ripped from the back of his throat.

All he can think about..

Imagine..

Is you curled up in a ball inside of your apartment, barely taking care of yourself and probably crying your eyes out..

Either that or you're overworking yourself.

He knows better than most people, you have a habit of doing that when something is wrong.

"We all make mistakes, Felix. None of us are perfect. If we were all perfect, then life would be pretty boring, now wouldn't it?" After letting him cry a little bit, Lee Know speaks up once more, resting a comforting hand on his back. He doesn't rub his back, doesn't even lift a pinky, just rests it there.

He knows that's his own way of supporting him through this.

"Mistakes are apart of what makes us human. It's what let's us know we're still just as real as anyone else. You may have said some hurtful things to each other, but, if I know anything about being hurtful in the heat of the moment, it's that when things calm down, that's when it's best to come back, reconvene, sit down and talk to each other. Apologize for your behavior, and try to figure out a way to fix things."

Really, hearing his Hyung gift him with this advice, is exactly what Felix needed.

Chan had attempted to tell him the same thing before, but it was when Felix was still like a ticking time bomb. One wrong word or move would just set him off.

"When you feel ready.. I need you to go and visit them. I want you to talk to them, and I mean.. Actually sit down and try to have a proper conversation with them. Don't chicken out, don't get defensive every time they say something, just sit there and let them talk, then when everything is said and done, you say your piece. From there, the rest is up to the two of you."

Just the thought of talking to you after what he did, how he treated you, was enough to make him panic a little, but he knew it had to be done. This whole thing had to be fixed, and he needed to be the one to do it..

-

-

-

-

"I mean it, Jagi. No work for the next couple of days. You need to stay home and catch up on your sleep." For the millionth time, HongJoong is telling you that you're not allowed to come into work again until you've finally been well rested.

"I said I was fine. I'm functioning. I haven't fallen asleep in meetings, I've been on top of everything more so than usual.. So why are you doing this?" You're beginning to freak out.

The only thing that's been distracting you and keeping you from further falling deeper into your spiral, has been your job, and now that was about to be ripped away from you.

"I'm not letting you go, I'm not firing you, I'm just sending you home and banning you from coming back until you get PROPER rest. I am worried about you, so is Wooyoung.. San.. Seonghwa.. Everyone here is worried about you." He sounds stressed, concerned, scared honestly. "Don't fight me on this anymore.. Please? Just go home and get some rest. You can come back to work next Monday, I promise.."

As much as you want to continue to fight him on this, you hold your tongue and nod your head silently, biting on the inside of your cheek so hard you're almost certain it'll start bleeding.

When he thanks you and says his goodbyes for the evening, you're left standing in front of the building with a deep sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach.

No work until next Monday.

That's six days away.

What the fuck are you supposed to do to occupy yourself within that time frame..?

The bus ride back to your apartment is quiet, nothing like its usual loud and bustling liveliness you've grown accustomed to.

There's a concert tonight.. You're pretty sure it's a group from JYP, but your brain is far too foggy and overrun with lack of sleep to even think straight.

By the time you get off of the bus, your eyes are already lidded, sleep threatening to take over you as you walk the short distance back to your apartment. Your shoes click against the pavement in slow and uneven strides, and your vision is not as straightforward as it should be.

Hopefully you'll just crash out on the couch once you get inside, sleep sounds really fucking good at the moment..

Being buried in paperwork and other office tasks that really weren't supposed to be assigned to you for the past week, had really begun to take a toll on your body, and it was only just now catching up to you.

Everything was being used as a distraction. It was an unhealthy way to try and cope with the events of the past month and a half.

Pulling your keys from your jacket pocket, you sleepily make your way up to your front door, gaze focused on watching your own feet move one at a time to ensure you don't lose your balance. When you reach your familiar welcome mat though, there's another set of feet that's just inches in front of your own.

Confused but exhausted, you look up slowly, only to realize the person those feet are attached to, is none other than Felix.

It's been weeks since you've last seen him, let alone talked to him.

You also have been successful in not thinking about him as well.

As soon as you see him, it's like time freezes in place, and your exhaustion has suddenly dissolved into thin air.

Why the hell was he even here?

"Tokki.." The familiar pinch of his brows as he takes in your disheveled appearance, makes your heart hurt.

There's the soft Felix you'd almost forgotten about..

"Why are you here?" It's a genuine question, and your voice is cracking beneath the weight and emotions you feel while asking him this.

"Can we talk about this inside, please? You look like you can barely stand, love.." His voice is so fucking soft and deep that it's wrapping around your brain like a warm hug. It's comforting you, when really, it should be pissing you off, making you angry.

But you're just so sick and tired of being angry..

Wordlessly, you nod and push your keys into the keyhole, unlocking your apartment and pushing the door open, the cool air wafting out and making you shiver.

No one says a single thing to the other as you both get comfortable on the couch, Felix sitting on one side, while you sit farthest from him on the other. Your legs are tucked up under your body, head resting against the back of the couch.

It's quiet. Too quiet.

You're not even sure why you let him back in after he left last time..

"Why are you here?" Once again, you repeat yourself, voice soft and wispy, like you're on the verge of crying.

In all honesty, you are.

"I.. I wanted to try and talk to you properly now.. Everything's finally calmed down an-"

"Calmed down?" You interrupt him with a raise in your brow, an angry smile stretching across your face. "Really, Felix? Calmed down?" Your voice is starting to raise in volume.

Maybe you weren't entirely done with being angry yet.

"For the past two weeks, nothing about my life has been calm. Absolutely nothing."

His lips are pursed together in a thin line, guilt fresh on his face. If you weren't so angry right now, you'd probably feel bad and back off a bit, but that doesn't seem like an option right now.

"My mind has been a chaotic fucking mess. I've been all over the place, trying to keep myself grounded to reality, because every time I think about you for even a second, the only thing I see is you walking out of that door! I warned you, I TOLD you our friendship would end right then and there, and you still fucking left!" Now you can feel them, angry tears are leaking from your eyes, and there doesn't seem to be a sign that they'll stop anytime soon.

"You treated me like shit, Felix! You flipped and did a complete 180 on me! Honestly gave me fucking whiplash with how out of the blue you suddenly turned on me. I tried.. TRIED to ask you what was wrong. TRIED to get you to talk to me like an actual fucking adult, and all you did was fucking leave!"

"Tokki, I.."

"Do not. Felix, don't you fucking dare. You have no right to call me that anymore." Pointing an accusatory finger in his direction, your voice begins to waver more, cheeks stained and wet with tears that keep rolling down in waves.

There's a lump beginning to form in the back of your throat. It's making it harder for you to finally release all of these pent up feelings you've been having for the past month and a half. Screwing your eyes shut, you swallow hard and release a shaky sigh.

"You ignored me, avoided me, made me seem like I was constantly vying for your attention when I wasn't.. You fucking broke the promise you made to me, which honestly hurts the most because I trusted you.. I blindly put my trust into yet another person who took advantage of it and used it to fucking crush me, break me into a million fucking pieces again. Fuck! You don't know how much I HATE you right now!"

You can't actually bring yourself to hate him.. It's temporary..

With your feelings so uncoordinated right now, it's the only word you can use to describe how you feel about him in the current moment.

"I was so confused.. Lonely.. Scared.. I didn't want to lose you, Lix.. And with the way you had been treating me, that's what it felt like.. I felt like I was losing the one fucking person who helped piece me back together after a great fucking grievance.. No, multiple grievances in my life, and you fucking walked away from me like you didn't even bother to give it a second thought.."

Just when you think you're done, something that hadn't even crossed your mind, accidentally slipped out. "This shouldn't hurt as much as it does.. Why does it hurt so bad..? Why can't I just be fucking normal?"

"Love.."

"I'm tired of feeling like this.. I'm tired of being like this.."

"Tokki."

"Why can't I just get over the fact that people grow distant sometimes? I feel so selfish.."

"STOP."

Felix' voice booms a bit louder this time, finally silencing you.

"Don't beat yourself up like that.. Please. I can't sit here and listen to it. I just can't." His eyes are watery, lips parted slightly as he stares at you with furrowed brows.

"You're not selfish. It's okay to not be what society deems as 'normal'. I want you to listen to me, can you do that for me?" Even though he looks like he's on the verge of crying, his voice remains steady and calm.

Nodding your head wordlessly, you feel more tears stream down your cheeks, and you grab one of your couch pillows, hugging it to your body.

"I don't expect forgiveness, I don't expect empathy, I just want to be completely open and honest with you, Tokki.." He takes a much needed deep breath, calming his raging nerves before continuing. "I treated you poorly. I regret it. I hate that I even allowed myself to do that to you."

There's something preventing him from keeping his mouth shut. Now that he's opened his mouth, he's spilling things that he had intended to keep for after the apology, and it's surprising even himself.

"I.. I was trying to deal with my own complicated feelings, and I went about it incorrectly.. I pushed you away and distanced myself, but I also hurt you in the process of doing that, and for that.. I can not stress enough how sorry I am.. You didn't deserve that at all.."

He's gotta force the lump in his throat down.. It's hard, but there's no other way..

"Whenever I'm around you.. I just.." His head shakes softly, mouth still hanging open slightly as he tries to think of the right words to describe how he feels. "Lose my ability to pull myself back, if that makes sense..?"

Of course, this flies right over your head, and he can see it in the way you not so subtly raise your eyebrows.

"Fuck.. This is hard.." Feeling awkward and embarrassed, the tips of his ears burn, cheeks growing warm as he rubs the back of his neck anxiously. "I've liked you.. For awhile.. And I thought I was being subtle with them, but the others were quick to catch on and notice, so I panicked and tried to keep you away from me so that I wouldn't screw up and do or say something that would scare you away.."

You blink.

Once.

Twice.

A third time.

What kind of apology even is this?

"Uhh.. Lix I do-"

"No no no.. Wait. Please. Don't say anything yet.. Just.. Just let me get this out.. Please?"

No way you could possibly deny him that much, especially when he asks like that..

Pursing your lips together, you grow silent once more, brows still furrowed together. Your cheeks are still stained with tears, but they no longer escape.

"I'm not used to this. I'm not used to how I feel for you. It's hard for me to process let alone try and keep under wraps. You know just as well as I do, the idol life calls for zero relationships. The only relationship we're technically supposed to have with anyone period, is that of our fans. As much as they may tell us we are allowed to date now that our three years is up.. I think all of us have come to a mutual agreement that we don't attempt to nor try.." He's rambling at this point, he knows, but he's doing his best, and he knows that's all you really care about..

He's trying.

"While I as well as the others.. Know that some of our fans would be more than supportive if one of if not more of us got into a relationship.." Sucking in a breath through his teeth, just imagining how insane the internet would be if it was announced that he or any one of his brothers was dating someone, doesn't put a pleasant image in his head. "I know you know the rest, so I'll spare you the details.. But.. I genuinely didn't know what to do once everyone pointed out I was.. Different around you than when I was around them..."

His leg is bouncing off the side of the couch. It's a common anxiety tic that you also happen to have. He's really nervous, and for the life of you, you can't figure out why.

Is he afraid you're going to be disgusted by him for liking you?

Maybe he thinks you're going to tell him you never want to seem him again after he confesses.

"The way I was acting, was immature.. It was unfair to you.. I should've just been honest with you from the start.. I shouldn't have kept my feelings bottled up, and I shouldn't have tried to push you away. I definitely should not have treated you the way that I did.. Once again, I really mean it when I say that I'm sorry, Tokki.." He's crying, sniffling softly while he turns his head away from you in shame.

"I really like you.. I love being around you.. I love cuddling you, holding you, seeing you smile.. Your laugh, if I could listen to it on repeat 24/7, I would in a heartbeat.. Everything about you is amazing to me. You work hard, you care about everyone that crosses your path. You show kindness to anyone and everyone, despite what their status may be.. I just.."

There it is.

That lump in his throat is back again.

"Am I allowed to speak now..?" After thick bouts of silence, your hoarse voice rings out through the heavy atmosphere, and he barely lifts his head to acknowledge you, sniffling again.

When he's able to compose himself again, he lifts his head, eyes red, puffy, lips pursed into a thin line while he nods his head softly.

"While I do accept your apology, Lix.. It's going to take me quite a bit to actually forgive you.. Now, that doesn't mean that we can't still be friends.. I'd love nothing more than to stay friends with you, but pursuing a relationship right after you broke my heart, just isn't in the cards for me right now.. I need time." It hurts to hear this come out of your own mouth, but it's an important boundary you've set for yourself.

With past experiences, you know first-hand just how pointless it is to jump right into a relationship after having your soul crushed and not taking the time to properly heal it.

Healing is important.

"I don't want things to be weird between us.. I will let you have time to yourself as well. I really do hope that once we've both taken some time to heal ourselves internally, that we can come together and talk about possibly pursuing something more with our relationship."

It feels refreshing, freeing even. Expressing yourself the way that you want to, putting your foot down and setting healthy boundaries so that you take care of yourself first..

"I understand, Tokki.. Thank you for actually letting me sit down to talk to you.."

He wants to ask for a hug, but he doesn't want to step over the boundary you have placed, so he purses his lips again, offering a small curved smile.

With red puffy eyes, tear-stained cheeks, and a smile, you can tell he wants something, or maybe wants to ask for something.

He's far too easy to read sometimes..

"Come here, Lix.." In a hushed tone, you motion for him to come over to your side of the couch, with which he hesitates at first. "If you don't get your ass over here I'm going to drag you, now come on you dork.." Laughing softly, you motion for him once more, and he finally does.

You wrap your arms around him, and swear you feel ten times lighter. He's warm, warm to the touch. Really, you want to cry all over again. This feeling of being held by him, it's something you missed terribly.

"Missed you, Lix.. Really missed you.." In a hushed whisper, you rest your head atop his and close your eyes.

He's home..

-

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-

It takes some time for things to go back to a sense of normalcy.

Not that anyone is complaining.

Felix understands you still want some space, and you understand he does as well.

It's been a couple of months since he apologized and confessed his feelings for you, and within that time-frame, the two of you have done a lot of healing. Re-building and strengthening your friendship was a breeze, with a few altercations that weren't too serious.

The rest of the boys were more than relieved that the two of you had managed to rekindle your broken relationship, because, as Changbin and Seungmin had put it..

"Who else would get us extra snacks and watch terrible movies with us?"

Being able to be around all of them again, not just Felix, had been so rejuvenating.

The way that you missed them almost as much as Felix really spoke volumes.

They were just as important to you as he was.

"Move out of the wayyyyy! Tokkiiii! Tell Bin to move out of the way, he's cheating!"

Currently, you're hanging out with Chan; Felix; and Changbin.

You had collectively decided to all try and play Mario Kart together, and it had proven to be just as chaotic with only four of you, as it would have been had everyone been there.

Changbin was trying to block Felix' view of the screen at the moment, cackling like a gremlin when he'd successfully made him fall off the side of the map to take first place.

"Yahhh! You cheater! F-"

"Felix.. Language.."

Before he could even shout some very R-rated words at the gremlin still laughing beside him, Chan had raised a brow and interrupted him with a warning glance.

He pouts and puts his controller down, deciding that he's too angry to play anymore. Then he makes his way over to the couch and sits beside you, wordlessly lifting the blanket up and nestling into your side. "Fucking dick.." He whispers under his breath so that Chan doesn't hear.

You hear it though, and it pulls a warm laugh out of you.

"Careful, Lix, Chan has super hearing." Not so subtly looking up at Chan, you continue to laugh when he raises a curious brow as if to ask 'what's going on?'

"Who's side are you on here? Cause it's definitely not mine." Very offended by your remark, he pulls away from your side and looks at you with fake hurt on his face.

Putting your own hands up in surrender, the laughter doesn't stop. "I'm not on anyone's side. I am but a humble mediator."

He squints his eyes at you and scoffs. "Oh yeah? If you're not on anyone's side, then why are you laughing so much?" Moving his face closer to try and intimidate you, all it does is make you laugh even harder. "You're hiding something from me, aren't you. Tell the truth, love. Who's side are you on? If you give me the wrong answer then I might as well just stop cuddling you."

With the threat of no cuddles, you try to stop laughing, but it's so hard to when Felix keeps looking at you like this.

"Lix! Don't hold that over my head! It's not fair!" Before you can say more, another fit of laughter is pulled from the back of your throat as he starts to tickle you. "Stoppppp! Chan, Bin! Help! How is this fair?!" Calling out to the other two through fits of laughter, you're thoroughly disappointed when neither one comes to your rescue.

"Not my problem." Changbin states rather bluntly, smiling at the sight of you two.

"Don't get us involved with your issue. This is between you and Felix." Chan adds, laughing alongside you.

Fuck, this really wasn't fair!

"I.. I'm not on anyone's side! Really! Lix, please! I'm being serious!" You're laughing so much to the point your sides are starting to hurt and tears are leaking from your eyes.

"Hmm, why don't I believe you?" Continuing with his assault, he asks this with a smug look on his face. "For all I know, you could be lying to me just to get me to stop tickling you."

"LIX! PLEASE!" It comes out as a mix between laughter and a sob, sides aching. "I promise I'm not lying! Promise!"

Hearing this, he finally lets up on his attack, sitting back and allowing you to finally catch your breath.

"Owww.. My sides.. Fuck man.. You couldn't have gone a little easy on me?" Rubbing and massaging your sides to alleviate the ache, you pout, scolding him for not listening to you the first couple of times you'd told him to stop.

"I'm sorry, what was that? You want more?"

"NO! Get your gremlin hands away from me!" Jumping up from the couch, the blanket follows, falling to the floor in a heap as you point an accusatory finger in his direction. "Touch me again and I'll beat your ass, Lix!"

Even though you threaten him, there's a smile on your face that says you're not meant to be taken seriously.

The smile that's curled up against his lips is wider than usual, and you can see nearly every single freckle that lines his cheeks. He looks so happy, so cute..

"Take a picture, it'll last longer, Tokki." With a smug look on his face, he laughs when you throw a couch pillow at him, shouting some expletives his way.

Eventually, the play-fighting comes to an end, and Felix announces that he's off to take a nap.

Uncharacteristic for you, but you ask him if you're allowed to join him, feeling exhausted yourself.

His eyes are wide and for a moment he looks as though his brain is buffering, before he stutters and confirms that it's okay for you to join him.

At first, you hesitate to get in bed with him once you both get to his room, and from the way his ears are burning, you can tell he's just as unsure of what to do as you are.

"I'm not going to bite.. Get in bed before I kick you out of my room, please.." He sounds shy, embarrassed even, and honestly you don't blame him.

You're in the same boat.

Climbing in beside him, he pulls the covers over the two of you and settles on his side, facing your back. "Never asked to nap with me before.. It's different than asking for cuddles, y'know.."

Feeling just as embarrassed, you snap back rather quickly with an, "And how is this any different than cuddling?"

"Because we're sleeping in the same bed together. There's no one else around us, it's just us two.. It's not like we fell asleep on the couch together.. This is.. This is just different."

Now you realize how different this really is.

Still, it's not that big of a deal to you. You're just taking a nap with him, nothing more..

Silence takes over the two of you, and you're just about to fall asleep when you feel a pair of arms wrap comfortably around your waist, tugging you closer to the body that's behind you. "Gonna hold you.. M' sorry if I startled you, just wanna hold you.." Felix' voice has gone down a few octaves, and it's obvious he's probably fighting off sleep.

Your cheeks are warm, ears burning so much that you're sure he can feel the heat radiating from them.

Try as you might to fall asleep, his arms around you while your body is pressed up against his own, is preventing you from doing so.

It's been a constant battle of wiggling away, or attempting to, only to be pulled back, for thirty minutes at least.

"Why are you fidgeting so much? Do you want me to stop holding you?" His voice is right next to your ear, and it's soft and deep, making you shiver.

"No.. You can keep holding me, just.. Can't fall asleep.." You admit, trying to calm your nerves and the racing of your heart.

For a moment, things go silent again.

Maybe he'd fallen asleep.

Though when he suddenly shifts, lightly tugging you until you're now facing him, that thought is immediately debunked.

His eyes are lidded, droopy even. There's a lazy smile etched into his face, and he's looking at you like you're the most amazing thing he's ever seen in his life. "Would it help you if I sang to you? Or I could read to you?"

You're genuinely taken by surprise at his questions. He's really offering to do these things for you just to help you fall asleep?

He's obviously so tired, and the fact he's offering to sing or read to you just to try and lull you to sleep, actually makes your heart skip a beat.

"Lix.. You don't have to do any of that.. I'll fall asleep soon." Trying to decline his offer, as much as that does sound appealing to you, he needs to sleep too, and he looks like he's about to.

"But I want to, Jagi.." The endearment, while definitely not foreign to you, because your boss addresses you as such on an almost daily basis, still makes your cheeks grow warm, because it's coming from Felix instead.

He's sleepy is all.

He probably doesn't even realize he said it.

"You're so warm.. Are you feeling alright, love?" His hand reaches up to feel your forehead and cheeks, and immediately, you know you're done for.

He may have fallen for you first, but right now, you're falling HARD.

What is wrong with you..?

"M' okay.." Unconsciously you press your warm cheek into the palm of his hand as he goes to take it away, and he freezes. Your eyes are no longer looking at him, instead suddenly interested in the black and blue of his bed spread.

Nothing is said for awhile. You're not sure for how long, but it seems like time is passing by so unbearably slow. His palm cups your cheek, thumb gently running across the softness of your skin, and not a single noise let alone word comes out of either one of you.

That is, until Felix speaks, in a low, tender tone.

"You're so handsome.. I really hope you know that."

It comes out of nowhere.

The fact that he's called you handsome has your skin buzzing, and there's a strong urge to kiss him.

You two haven't even had the opportunity to sit down and talk about maybe advancing things in your relationship yet..

"Handsome, pretty, adorable, cute.." He just keeps going and going. Praising you and forcing your cheeks to warm each time he calls you something sweet.

"Lix.." It's the only word you're able to produce, and it comes out faintly, just barely above a whisper.

"Hmm?"

"I like you too."

It comes out before you have a chance to stop it, and you're hoping that it doesn't ruin the mood.

"Is it arrogant of me to say that I already knew that?" He asks, laughing softly when you finally bring your eyes back up to meet his own.

"No.. If anything, it's embarrassing.. You knew before I did.." You curl up close to him, and he runs a hand through your hair, humming softly.

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about, not when you're with me, Jagi.."

When you pull away from him, he's already looking at you with a softness in his eyes that puts you in a trance.

His gaze shifts down to your lips momentarily, before it quickly shifts back up to your face. Just from that movement alone, you can tell that the two of you are thinking the same thing.

"M' gonna kiss you.. Is that okay?" You're the one who asks first, and it feels like you're running out of breath.

"Yes. Please." He says this like he's relieved you finally asked him, and it would've made you laugh, had you not been so desperate to finally feel his plush lips against your own.

The kiss is soft, tender, sweet, everything you had hoped it would be if not more. He holds the back of your head as well, and the action makes you feel weak.

When you both pull away, he rests his forehead against yours and smiles so wide you're pretty sure it's bordering on impossible.

"Been wanting to do that for so long.." He whispers softly.

After a few more soft kisses, you both decide it's actually nap time, and he's once again holding you against his chest, sighing contentedly. "Does this mean you're okay with our relationship advancing?"

Rolling your eyes playfully, you close your eyes.

"What a silly question to ask.. Go to sleep dork.. I love you."

A few more beats of silence, and then he finally responds back. "I love you too, Tokki.."

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(I'm gonna be completely honest. I know I can write better, so I'm gonna write another Felix drabble after this one is posted because I just wasn't all to happy with how I wrote this one. I enjoyed the prompt, just not how I wrote it lmao. It may just be me being hard on myself but eh..)

(I am going to be making a one-shot for every member, that's the goal here. After Stray Kids is done, I'll work on a few of the members from Ateez.. Hope you enjoyed the read!)

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

im a trans boy who has grown up with very oppressive religious parents so ive never gotten the chance to experiment sexually or romantically with peers irl, im about to move to the city for college in the fall

(i will be living on campus with two roommates who i haven't met yet and i know basically nothing about, one of them i will be sharing a bunk bed with)

im really nervous about how im gonna do socially.. ive had a really hard time making and maintaining irl friends for like my entire life, which has been really upsetting for me obviously.

being able to experiment sexually is something im really wanting to do and im really really nervous about it, i know that the most straightforward advice is just "talk about it to people you wanna do sex stuff with" but like everything is new to me i havent had the chance to really socialize irl up until this point and now im being shoved into a group of other young adults who all have the prior experience of being well socialized and having complex interpersonal relationships with peers

i also feel extremely insecure about my lack of experience, like is it actually normal for someone my age to have never had a romantic or sexual encounter? are the things ive discovered and assumptions ive made about myself sexually through masturbating wrong?? i can't watch porn bc looking at strangers having sex grosses me out!! im pretty sure my front hole is like unnaturally tight?? anything wider than two of my fingers is uncomfortable and no matter how much prep and easing myself into it i do, it stays that way.. and i think my cervix is also lower than most, about 3-4 inches is the maximum that i can insert before i can feel it bump my cervix (which hurts REALLY BAD)

im just so nervous and scared about my own body and personality and all that andi don't know where to look for resources or reassurance. ive never been to the doctor for any kind of reproductive care and im really scared to!!! i live in a state that has completely outlawed abortion rights and im really scared that if i go to planned parenthood or something to get like a checkup that they will be mean and not gentle with me

i don't know, i guess im just looking to be heard and hopefully pointed towards some resources if anyone has any, thank you for the work you do and thank you for taking the time to read my panicked ramblings

hi anon,

there's a lot happening here so I'm just doing a numbered list

1.) man, how did the third guy luck out and avoid the bunk bed? you don't have to answer that, I'm just curious how you guys have already worked out that two of you are stuck with the bunk beds. unless you're into bunk beds (I was), in which case mazel tov.

2.) in the nicest way possible, I think you may be vastly overestimating how "well socialized" other students are going to be. reading between the lines a bit, it sounds like you were maybe home schooled, or at least don't have very much experience mingling with other people your age without adult supervision. I guarantee you every public school in the world is also full of introverted freak losers who rock up to college with no idea of what they're doing; I was one of them. the majority of first year college students are also running around panicking and trying to figure out how to be away from their parents for the first time; everyone is a loser and no one is cool.

would it comfort you at all to know that my day job is organizing events at my office's LGBT student resource center? I spend a lot of time hanging out with queer first year students, and I love them dearly, and they're all cringefail losers. it's unavoidable. every 18 year old is a cringefail loser. every single person on Earth looks back at their 18 year old self and goes "goddamn, what a cringefail loser." and it's fine! it's so normal! that's the entire point of your first year of college! you try things and you're socially awkward and you meet some of the most important people you will ever meet and you meet people whose opinions about you won't matter literally at all and you'll completely change how you think about everything for the rest of your life and you'll think you're going to die and everything will be fine!!!!

anyway moving on

3.) it's normal for anyone at any age to have never had a romantic or sexual encounter. I'm assuming you value my insight at least a little, since you sent this, so would it help you to know that I arrived at college as virginal as could be (wildly insecure about it, btw) and didn't have sex for the first time until I was almost 21? would it comfort you to hear from my housemate, also transmasculine, who gave me permission to share that they've never had sex and that none of their life problems really have anything to do with being a virgin?

4.) "are the things ive discovered and assumptions ive made about myself sexually through masturbating wrong??" hard to say, since I don't know what those things are, but probably not. it's extremely hard to get masturbating wrong, no one knows what feels good to you better than you. you're sort of an authority here. masturbating isn't exactly like partnered sex, of course, but it's a really good place to start learning about things that you like and make you feel good.

5.) everything you're describing about your front hole sounds very typical. two fingers is the max number of comfortable fingers for a lot of people, regardless of experience; often, taking something larger doesn't become easier until after having penetrative sex with a partner. average vaginal depth is about 3.6 inches, and while that can increase significantly with arousal, it's something that doesn't generally happen if you're not relaxed during sex. if I can be a bit presumptuous, it sounds like sex and masturbation are maybe a bit anxiety-inducing for you, in a way that is pretty much perfectly contradictory to comfortable penetration. if I can offer you some advice I wish I could give my younger self: calm the fuck down, buy some lube, stop worrying so much about making your body react the way you think it should and learn to appreciate what it's actually doing, and maybe see if your campus has some free therapy options available. anxiety meds probably wouldn't hurt this situation. also stop hitting your cervix if that hurts oh my god.

6.) Planned Parenthood is generally one of the best places to go if you're nervous; they're aggressively queer friendly and tend to be extremely accommodating of patients' needs. I personally do not care for penetration at all and have a difficult time with Pap smears, and every examiner I've ever had at PP has been an angel about letting me take breaks and swear my way through it. it ain't fun, but if you want to have an adventurous sex life you need to take care of the health of yourself and your prospective partners by getting STI tests and Pap smears.

you're so normal, calm down, I love you

[sturionic]

Do you have advice for countering leftist "support" (in the form of apathy/accelerationism) for an annexation of Canada? I'm talking about talking points along the lines of "well Canada is just as colonial/capitalist/zionist/racist/etc as the USA so let it burn".

My gut feeling is that a USA occupation won't actually help any of the groups Canada has harmed and will likely make things 100x worse for them. I don't know how to phrase that in a way that doesn't sound dismissive of the valid complaints about Canada.

Frankly, anon...there is no counter. That kind of rhetoric is so terminally online that it's not even worth trying to counter it. Anyone who thinks that a violent occupation will somehow improve anyone's circumstances has not touched grass in a long, long time, nor have they recently spoken to anyone who has touched grass.

To be very clear, there are many people angry and apathetic about Canada and they have every right to be. It's no use trying to dismiss their very valid and well-founded hatred, nor should you. Where I differ with accelerationists is not "no Canada is great actually," it's quite simply pragmatism; like, okay, we have this pile of colonialist shit, how do we work with it and what's the path to peoples' material conditions improving? Most of the activists/organizers I know IRL have managed to balance this quite well - acknowledging and making room for all of our pain and hurt while also using our anger to find ways forward.

Criticism is actually good and healthy. But for any organizing action or strong political stance you put out into the world, you're going to attract a whole pile of it, and often there will be criticisms that directly contradict each other. So you have to decide what criticism has more weight to you (you can only process so many opinions, and if you don't decide consciously what to prioritize, your brain is going to do it for you subconsciously.) For me, I am much more strongly inclined to consider criticism from people I know, who share my community, and who are doing the work of organizing, over the criticism of strangers online.

In this case, I'd agree with your gut instinct, and I feel for you that things have gotten so jumbled up in internet discourse hell that "getting invaded and annexed is going to result in a lot of harm to everyone and is Not Good" is somehow a controversial opinion. Again: we can validate those peoples' hurt and anger and understand it, without letting it chain us to inaction. Trust your gut, find the people in your community who are proposing concrete action that makes sense to you, and figure out what's in your capacity to do. That's all we can do.

(Also remember that Web 2.0 is literally designed from the ground up to piss everyone off for clicks. Don't let the tech oligarchs win by spending all your time online, hopeless, and pissed off!)