#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.

[orcelito]

God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.

[cairavende]

Worm Arc 12 thoughts:

Brian needs to watch the Barbie movie holy shit! (I understand the story takes place in 2011 and the movie doesn't exist there)

Just like, fuck get off Taylor's back. She is playing it too safe but also being too aggressive. Moving too fast but also not being aggressive enough! AHHHHHHHH!

Seriously, nearly every time Brian showed up in this arc I was yelling at him. Dude. Just back off.

Skitter fucking just, killing thousands of rats in a few minutes is absolutely terrifying. God I love her.

Hookwolf is a dick. I can't believe everyone else went along with him and gave the Travelers and the Undersiders shitty choices like that. I mean that's not true, I can believe it I'm just mad.

I legit forgot Imp existed until Tattletale mentioned leaving her at the meeting as a spy. I love how the way her power works combined with the writing style means she just disappears for the readers as well.

Loved seeing more of the Travelers and more Noelle. Excited to learn more about her (I don't have great feelings about her long term situation though).

Jack is such a fucking POSER oh my god!

He just. He thinks he's so cool. But he's not. Fucking "this is not an exit" reference and shit.

He is Tobey Maguire Spider-Man from Spider-Man 3. Just thinks he is the coolest shit. Everyone just has to accept it cause he got fancy knife powers.

Tattletale just fucking full confidence fucking with the Nine while standing right in front of them. She clearly knew it was high risk but she took it and she got results, spoiling Jacks plan with Cheri and shit.

That said, AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MY BABY SOMEBODY HELP MY BABY! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Ok she's not like, my baby, that's Taylor. But she's still my baby.)

LOOK AT MY FUCKING DAUGHTER! FUCKING LOOK AT HER! HOW MANY PEOPLE DID SHE SAVE FROM SHATTERBIRD? HUNDREDS? THOUSANDS? SHE IS AMAZING!

She fucking needs therapy though. Saves more people than anyone else could have and is mad because she didn't do enough. God damn Taylor love yourself!

Danny is fine. Besides, he had warning so any injures are basically his fault. Git gud Danny. (Ok look that's a little unfair, but he messed up pretty bad with raising my daughter so I'm allowed to be a little unfair to him I think.)

And look at my daughter again! She goes and organizes people to help the wounded. Takes charge. Gets a cool butch lady that might never show up again to help. I hope she does show up again though.

AND THEN FUCKING MANNEQUIN! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

After he showed up I said "I don't know how the fuck she's gonna do it, but my daughter is gonna kick your ass". And then like a few paragraphs later I read "I have no idea how the fuck I’m going to do it but I’m going to make you regret that." This made me both happy - fun to say something and have Taylor say almost the same thing - and worried - cause when I said I didn't know how she was going to do it I kinda hoped she had a plan.

But then she fucking does it! She kicks his ass. She steals his arm. SHE RIPS HIS HEAD OFF! GOD DAMN! THAT'S MY FUCKING KID!

I do think she should hire the buff burly guy who helped her rip Mannequin's head off. He clearly has motivation and would be loyal. And maybe I want to see him more. For reasons.

But anyway she fucking wrecks Mannequin, makes him look like he lost a fight with a paint store. Just fucking clowned on him. She is so good.

Then the next day Brian comes in and fully focuses on how stupid it was to fight Mannequin, not really praising that she won or asking if she needs medical help. God damn bud!

But I loved how a fuck ton of people were like "Oh shit she beat Mannequin! I want to work for her." She's going to be so fucking famous soon.

Interlude 1 - Jack is a poser again. Sucks to be the Merchants, can't say I'll miss them. Jack trying to sound all clever with his carrot and sticks thing, but most of what he lists for the other Nine is really obvious. And he misses some stuff as well. Poser. I could lead the Nine better than him (not that I would lead the Nine, just that if I did I would be better than Jack).

Interlude 2 - God damn this is a doozy. Shit ton of Cauldron lore. Battery backstory. Assault backstory. I made a "now kith" joke when they fought for the very first time cause I didn't realize who they were yet. It was supposed to be a joke. I did not want them to end up together. They should not be together. Legend should not have allowed Assault to be on Battery's team. He was a bit of a dick for that. So much Cauldron lore though. I can't put it all here.

[lexicals]

System collapse notes made as I read:

(Spoilers, obvs, mostly out of context)

Amazing opening page as usual. This feels like coming home I'm so happy

Side note, "one of you" - like, is this being delivered to an actual audience, or does mb just like to pretend it is? I know it's just an in-universe excuse for the conceit but either option is so good

ART canon tax fraud?? ART canon embezzlement???

ART @ BE ship: "people die in car crashes all the time. I just thought that was interesting :)"

The note about iris having grown up alongside ART is so funny. And the note about her being ART's ratthi is so sweet from both sides of that comparison

I adore Three so much. The fucking baby deer comparison killed me this poor construct

I could be misremembering but it feels like secunit's narration has more colloquialisms than before, which is fun if I'm right

Love than mb and mensah have the exact same reaction to the extra settlement lmao. Handshake meme

ARGUCUSSION

SECUNIT YOUR BOUNDARIES. YOUR NEEDS. PLEASE STOP TELLING PEOPLE YOU'RE FINE

"Fun stuff like space battles and rescuing people and space monsters and throwing asteroids at planets" this bot loves its cheesy tv so much I'm gonna cry

WHY DO YOU KEEP REDACTING THINGS SECUNIT PLS THIS IS STRESSFUL. I can't tell if this is it editing out trauma discussion or something else

Mb casually using ART as a dictionary lmao

Oh god is it hurting over 2.0 specifically. Oh man of course it is. God this poor bot I'm so 😭

Mb and ART working as a team so fluidly.... best friends......

Ratthi can tell secunit is busy thinking/working just by glancing at it.... FRIENDS.....

"SENTIENCE SUCKS" LMAO. YEAH OKAY WE'VE ALL FELT THAT

MB JUST HAS THE VIDEO FILE OF RATTHI ALMOST GETTING EATEN BY A WORM ON HAND. AMAZING

Mb and pin-lee bonding over watching scifi car crash videos. Incredible

SECUNIT THE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE TENDENCIES. LITERALLY TRYING TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE WITHOUT A PARACHUTE. PLEASE

I'm gonna cry pls mb stop beating yourself up for being traumatised. This is exactly what you were giving mensah shit about!!!!!

"It was always my job to get hurt" I Am Going To Fucking Cry

CITING ITS SOURCE ON THE PRE CR HISTORY LESSON LMAO

God I feel like this poor bot spent six books building up its confidence and it's all just been shattered after the thing with 2.0. Like it's so palpable in the narration that it thinks it's broken in some way and is forcing itself to carry on regardless but with no regard for its own survival, which has always been of pretty high priority for it even in ASR!! It's let itself get beaten up in the other books but it's never been reckless like this. Mb please stop punishing yourself.....

Ohh tarik and mb shared corpo trauma..... can we talk about that maybe

Ratthi correcting iris about the ex-secunit thing.... ouuououugghghh

"Under normal circumstances that would be kind of hilarious" mb honey as a reader. That IS hilarious

Mb "so is this guy your..... ex-security..... not that I'm feeling jealous or insecure rn....."

HEY GUYS YOU EVER HAVE A PTSD FLASHBACK SO BAD YOU PASS OUT. GUYS

HEY GUYS HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR BRAIN-CRASHING PTSD FLASHBACK ANALYSED IN DETAIL BY A BUNCH OF PEOPLE YOU WANT TO RESPECT YOU

Mb once again having the worst time of its life but being offered a media archive by a friendly bot: oh fuck yes hello there

Ooooh pre-corpo media no less......

THE ART THERAPY-SPEAK..... "that’s for humans" "this affects the part of you that is human" I'm going to yell and yell and yell

"No, it doesn't read my mind, it just knows me really well" 🥺

I feel like MW has gotten more up to date on current gender/pronoun usage since the earlier books which is nice to see. We've had neopronouns before but having pronouns attached to feed/character intros is new and appreciated

Mb: "aw fuck am I being tall and intimidating again"

Local secunit physically repelled by power phrase "sexual discussion" like a fucking skyrim shout

VISUAL EQUIVALENT OF A WET BLANKET..... SECUNIT......

OHH...... OHHHHH!!!!! OHH MY GOD THE. IS THIS THE. WHEN I TALKED ABOUT THE CONCEIT EARLIER.........

Oh okay no BUT MURDERBOT NEW CREATIVE DIRECTOR POSITION BABEY!!!!!

And ratthi is so supportive. God I'm so. AAAAUGH

Just patch out the anxiety lmao. New mental illness fix dropped please restart your OS to apply

Telling your bestie to fuck off IS a kind of love language and I'm glad that ART appreciates it 😌

LITERALLY "(INTERNAL SCREAMING)". LMAO

Mb literally in a life or death situ rn: I could just burn part of this person's brain out to save us..... that seems mean though :/

"I lack a sense of proportional response" LMAO ART. At least it's self-aware

"I didn't come here to make friends" says the secunit who literally cannot go anywhere without forming some kind of allyship with someone

The delayed-hack though, that's fun. Wonder whether this file is gonna slowly make its way from CR secunit to CR secunit as mb gradually becomes some kind of mythic figure, lmao

"Be safe" 🥺

FINAL GIRL IS OUT. FINAL DRONE IS IN

ART: "Oooh you guys care about me ^^ lol"

LMAO ART YOUNGER SIBLING BEHAVIOUR

ALSO YES SET THREE UP WITH THE OTHER CRAZY SMART AI THEY CAN ALL GET A SECUNIT BESTIE!!!!

Murderbot trauma acknowledgement 😌 You go working through your feelings mb you're doing so well ily

WHERE ARE WE GOING NEXXXTTTT THAT IS INDEED THE QUESTION!!!

Summary thoughts: this was really good and I like that MW has taken the time to address the NE fallout before moving on to whatever is coming next, I'm mostly just excited for that whatever-comes-next now. I didn't expect this story to still be focused on the same planet, but it's cool that it was! And now we're moving on with more machine intelligences and rogue secunits in play!! And they mentioned the comfortunit from artificial condition so hopefully that'll come back into play soon as well! I feel like something is building up wrt construct rights in the setting and I'm very excited to see that, but in the meantime I loved getting this familiar romp through MB having a very bad day and working through its emotions while also trying not to die. And it was fun having the twist on the usual formula with things being so isolated and it having to handle everything while being off its game, it felt a lot more tense than some of the other entries just by virtue of the fact that MB's narration was so much less confident than usual, and it made it really nice to hear the fire come back to its voice once we hit that point in the story. 11/10 as usual I love this bot so goddamn much

[nono-bunny]

Underrated aspect of NPMD that really captured me is the kids and the relationships they have with their parents

We already knew Mayor Solomon Lauter was a bad dad from Abstinence Camp, so his behavior here was nothing per se, but... Wow, he really truly doesn't care at all for Steph, huh? "Damn you soul to five eldritch abominations, I'm not messing with them again!" he basically says to his teen daughter before getting demolished by a ghost. Again? Never did I think I wanted to learn more about that nasty man before, but... Now I am intrigued.

Grace's parents make me so fucking uncomfortable the way they speak to each other tbh, but also in terms of their relationship to her? Yeah I fucking see where she's coming from now, her parents are so controlling and stifling that it's no wonder she gets a little bit of power and goes insane!

Pete and Ted's dad sells ladies shoes and? I think that's all we ever get about their parents iirc, but we do know that they were both sent to Camp Idontwannabang and despite both of them being weird, they also seem to me like they might just have the overall most loving and normal parents. We know Ted's personality changed over time, and he and Pete seem to have an overall positive relationship as far as I could tell, but it's not like? Foster's level of caring for one another in their parents stead and the fact that we never hear anything BAD about their parents make me think that they just aren't very remarkable, so like? Good for them honestly

Ruth??? Oh my god Ruth is so lonely and starved for love and affection I cannot imagine a world in which she has loving parents, she mentions talking to fucking telemarketers all the time but never once talks about her family and honestly??? That kinda says it all for me, Ruth seems to be in a very unloving home and I'm so sad for her- her focus on broken families in The Barbecue Monolgues feels like it's also indicative of her personal life tbh, poor girl!! I'm glad she has Richie and Pete, she's weird af but so are they and they make it work!

Richie says nothing about his family either so I'm just gonna. Headcanon him having like, a normal family who thinks he's a bit weird but loves him all the same and doesn't like, try and stop him from living his life because that's the kinda environment his very open love of anime seems to imply to me

And finally... Oh my god, Max... Yeah his dad is 100% abusive. Him being afraid of going back home even when he's frightened of ghosts and skeletons, the way he loiters around public places after school looking to take out his own frustration on others... His bullying and abuse seems like learned behavior and I actually feel so bad for him, he's a complete dick but he's also not wrong about the way literally nobody cares about him once he dies. Is it weird that I feel like the school is seriously failing him by brushing off his behavior rather than checking on his life situation of trying to find where it's coming from? Like, I get it, he's the star quarterback, they don't wanna mess with him or something (I'm not gonna even pretend to know how American high schools seem to work, the whole school environment before he dies is completely foreign to me) but??? Surely letting him just run wild like that would raise SOME alarm bells in someone's head that there's something wrong in his life???? Personally I headcanon the timeline where Miss Holiday becomes the guidance counselor to also be the one where he gets help from her and/or Duke. I don't know that there something inherently supernatural about him but SURELY Duke also works with normal families, right? Anyway in other life I hope he actually gets help because he seems to be in a really shitty situation and the school is just enabling his behavior which also naturally majorly sucks for everyone around him. The guy needs therapy fr

I actually really loved all six of them, and even though Max is awful, I kinda wanna see a story where they all team up and become friends because I kinda feel like they'd be unstoppable lol (also the symmetry of five Lords In Black and one Webby????)

[vtforpedro]

long life update - TWs in tags

It feels like it's been ages. I'm so exhausted and in a lot of physical pain. Going on two months of it being the worst it's been right after a couple of months of the best it's been. Chronic pain + grief + trying to get help from doctors who should have their licenses revoked + dealing with a shit relationship with my mom + a good, decades-long friendship ending + the ongoing disability process with the SSA + LAW FIRMS.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't remember if I updated that the appeals council decided not to review my case because the 'judge followed the law' except that he didn't. So, as it turns out, my original attorney (and he did not tell me this) before he left, wrote that if they denied me, it should go to federal district court.

I'm now working with a NY law firm to take my case to federal court because my current law firm believes it has merit, and I guess they do, too. That's how fucked the decision was, and I'm glad my initial reaction of bewilderment and anger was spot on lol

The good news is, it should only take another year! ._.

My neurologist is the worst doctor I have ever come across and I'm quite literally stuck with him with nowhere else to go. I wish him upon no one. I'm so tired of calling the SSA, getting documents to them, signing things for law firms, contacting law firms, getting no responses, and contacting them all over and over again. I am in incredible physical pain, like this actively makes my neuro stuff worse. Everything makes it worse. I have autonomic testing in a few days, and idk if I'll get through it b/c I have to stop the meds that keep me out of the ER two days prior, and it scares me.

My relationship with my mom is fractured and I don't feel like family therapy is actually helping. I had to end a friendship with someone I love and care very much about but who was growing too comfortable mistreating me and I was giving them too many passes 😞 I've known them for the better part of two decades.

It's been over seven months since my cat Isis died. I don't know how. It feels like she was here just yesterday. Yet, all the nights I've sat and talked to her and wept are all too real. I miss her more than I can say. She was my soul cat. I keep thinking about tomorrow and how she'd be so nosy getting into EVERYthing when gifts are opened at Christmas. Having to stop her, move her, laugh because she was just so n o s y and it was hilarious. And she's not gonna be here for that ever again.

I'm having a really fucking hard time tonight. It's just hitting me how god-awful this year has been and how I have a bad week to look forward to before even getting to the new year lmao I have to stop taking so many of my medications 48hrs before 1.5-2hrs of testing to see if we can find out Yet Another Thing Wrong With Me but knowing my luck it'll be 'no findings' and the mystery of why my core body temp plummets to 93.9 in the blink of an eye won't be solved until I have suffered juuuuust enough.

It never ends. Never. I want to give up. I'm so tired of doing this. I don't want to anymore. It never. fucking. ends.

I absolutely cannot say it's all been bad, though. I've met incredible, warm, welcoming, giving, kind people this year. Y'all have helped me more than you know and I'm so so so lucky to be able to call you my friends. This year has sucked for so many of us, but I want to say I'm proud of you, and I love you all very much.

My fic is gonna be printed in a hardcover zine early next year. I participated in a Big Bang for the first time and that'll also go out early next year. I'm hosting a tiny event in my tiny fandom server that I'm super excited about. I have a raffle prize to write (bagginshield !!!! SO EXCITED to revisit the og otp) and a Valentine's gift to write for another fandom.

I posted 401,000 words this year and wrote many more unfinished wips, plus a long one (90k) that I am very invested in finishing.

I painted and drew so much this year. I improved a lot, too! I got a couple of portraits printed from inprnt to see how they looked, and it was MY art, and they were GORGEOUS. I thought I would hate seeing my art professionally printed, but no! I almost cried. They looked so lovely.

My cat Lilly had health issues almost immediately following Isis's passing, but she is doing so well right now. She's blossomed into another cat, and while she's not my constant companion, she is with me so much more than she used to be. When she walks onto my desk I am to stop everything and hold her like baby in my arms until she decides that's enough (or I really need to move) lmaaao she's such a goober. My heart cat. <3

I'm not doing well right now--my MH is bad. Especially tonight. But it felt good to write the good things.

I'm sorry for my lack of replies and kinda disappearing. I'm running on fumes. I hope next year will bring physical relief so emotional relief can happen.

For those of you facing difficulties of any kind, I am holding your hand in spirit.

[infinitethree]

Okay, you know what?

The bastard is almost, on an aesthetic level, not terrible to look at while he’s like this.

Asleep, he can’t be a fucking sociopath or an asshole. Those too-clever eyes of his aren’t judging and dissecting, they’re closed.

The absence of that bright blue gaze makes him seem surprisingly vulnerable.

So does the way Daz has, in the short while he’s been asleep, already snuggled up to him and is being clingy.

After the last few hours of running around looking for him, it’s a relief to know that he’s been mostly fine all along.

Naturally, when Daz didn’t come home, Raine got worried. The Council, aside from Lee who had been kept out of it, have been searching his known hidey-holes for hours now.

Obviously the HQ was one of the first places they checked, but the wall that leads into the hidden room was sealed off. They assumed that meant he wasn’t there, so they ignored it.

It wasn’t until Aster, in a last-ditch attempt, decided to open it up and check that the bastard was found.

He’d been fine, thankfully. Just having hyper fixated on the code and shut out everything else.

Aster carefully takes his com out and taps out a message to the others.

ShiningAster: bastard located. fine but asleep. focused on coding body for Innit, forgot he has a human body.

RaineStorm: seriously?? uhg, at least it’s normal shit this time

RaineStorm: as opposed to soul crushing despair and existential terror

Khons: need help moving him? ShiningAster: staying here. fell asleep on me, he has nightmares. also touched starved. might be less bastard if he gets good sleep

It’s only a little bit of a lie. Technically, none of that was wrong, but the implication was that Daz wasn’t strongarmed into accepting.

RaineStorm: yeah his nightmares are BAD and music only kinda helps.

ShiningAster: I think I can fix it. saying more will make him pissy

Khons: well if he’s not in trouble and staying there we’re going to bed

ShiningAster: night

RaineStorm: gn

RaineStorm: it’s gonna be really funny seeing him fall for you ngl

ShiningAster: its gonna be weird as fuck for me

After a moment, he switches to DMs.

ShiningAster: at some point we have a kid. Not adopted I think. looks just like him. her name is Azira. means rising star.

RaineStorm: WHAT THE FUCK??????

ShiningAster: also he made a deal to help with Innits body for seeing the same shit I do. but for me obviously

RaineStorm: oh my god that stupid asshole

RaineStorm: maybe he’ll learn his lesson. bc you’re def good to him, I know you.

ShiningAster: hes capable of being good to me back. too busy being petty for now though

RaineStorm: yeahhhhhh. he’s def an acquired taste. but he really is a great guy when you get past his him-ness

ShiningAster: lol

RaineStorm: he figured out I’d want a heated tub, art studio, and a porch. it’s freaky tbh but it’s nice.

ShiningAster: sounds fake but ok

RaineStorm: you’ve never seen him be like that so it’s hard to picture but it’s true!

That’s not quite right; Aster has seen Daz be kind and generous to others…he’s just never been the target.

No, maybe that’s not fair. He’s dragged Aster to a place of being better in a way he never would have done on his own. Despite his attitude, it did still benefit Aster.

Granted, he’s also been an asshole on purpose for literal years, so. That kind of events out.

ShiningAster: honestly just want to eat his damn food without being drugged

RaineStorm: something something the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

ShiningAster: it sucks so bad to play chicken on if Ill suffer when I touch his cooking

ShiningAster: usually its worth it. at least until whatever he put in it hits

RaineStorm: and now we know why

ShiningAster: maybe therapy will fix him

RaineStorm: ngl I think not thinking he’ll kill anyone he loves will do wonders on its own

RaineStorm: but therapy will help too probably

ShiningAster: cant say much for obvious reasons but hes fundamentally broken. has been for most of his life.

ShiningAster: but Id never have a kid if he didnt seem in a good place. so whatever he does works

RaineStorm: have you considered it might be the power of love

ShiningAster: fuck you

RaineStorm: I’m serious!! think about it, he’s spent like 4 years thinking being loved will get that person killed

RaineStorm: he might have divine confirmation but he’s stubborn. might not feel real

RaineStorm: soooo someone who loves him despite his bullshit might be the thing that makes him be less…yknow

Ah, another reminder of how deeply fucked up Daz actually is.

ShiningAster: could be having someone who knows his secrets or even just Innit being out

RaineStorm: remind it that it needs a new name btw. too close to existing ones

RaineStorm: but yeah that probably helps too

RaineStorm: I feel awful I never noticed he was so…unwell

ShiningAster: hes good at hiding what he wants to hide. cant blame yourself when hes a master manipulator.

Said master manipulator mumbles into Aster’s chest, voice small, “I missed you.”

And, fuck, something in his chest feels like it cracks when Aster realizes what and who Daz must be dreaming about.

There’s nobody it could be but his former mentor. The person who gave him everything he ever wanted…and then committed an unspeakable sin against him.

Clearly, Daz still misses him. Despite what Dream had done to him, a part of him still misses the person who crushed him infinitely worse than anyone before him.

Despite only getting brief glimpses of that time, Aster gets the impression that Dream had been someone whose preciousness went beyond words.

Yet Daz couldn’t stomach letting him have his way after what he did. He rejected a place as a near-god beside someone who, despite the sickness in his soul, was devoted to him to a disturbing degree.

That…takes a strength of will that Aster isn’t completely sure he could match.

Fuck, nor does the decision to use the lethally broken enchantment as a backup plan.

If the rest of the server had failed to kill him, Daz would have chosen a death so agonizing that it chills Aster to his core.

It’s not hard to see why Daz is so…himself, honestly. Aster might not be able to think like him, nor agree with his actions, but in a fucked up way he can follow most of the logic now that he has the pieces.

He swallows as Daz’s voice wavers and cracks. “You said you’d protect me, so why…”

Aster adjusts his arms to a more comfortable positon, and messes with his hair more. “I’m not him, Daz. You’re not Tommy any more. Dream was sick– you know that.”

Horrifyingly, Daz starts shaking as he cries.

He rushes to add, “But– but you can have something new. Fuck, if you can be even halfway decent, I’d fall for you pretty damn quick. You can be charming, you know? And– and pretty romantic. It was– maybe it wouldn’t be awful. If you just stopped being such a bastard–”

At a loss for what else to do, he cuts himself off and starts humming.

Eventually, Daz slips back into deeper sleep.

But the memory of this unsettlingly fragile side of him will remain in the back of Aster’s head. Even when Daz is being the biggest bastard he can be…Aster knows he’ll remember this.

[enchxanting]

our love is god [ethan landry x reader] pt. 8

read part seven here || all parts

pairing: ethan landry x fem!reader

warnings: angst then fluff then angst again i'm gonna give you whiplash, emetophobia warning (not graphic just implied), discussion of suicide

a/n: next chapter is gonna be crazy... just fyi so stay tuned i lowkey can't believe i've kept up with this through 8 chapters but i'm glad i did because it's been super fun interacting with you guys and a rlly good writing exercise. enjoy this short chapter!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary,

Funerals blow. I suppose they blow more when you were the one to accidentally kill the person, but I think they still blow in general. I tried saying something to Tara when we were all throwing roses into the grave (I know, how trite), but I ended up talking to God instead. I said something dumb, like “Technically, I did not kill Tara, but, hey, who am I trying to kid, right?”

I’ve started coping with humor.

No one ever feels much like celebrating at a teenager’s funeral. Sam was a wreck; barely even talked. I started a conversation, but she just stared through me. Mindy and Chad kept trying to get my attention, but I’m still kind of avoiding them. It’s easier this way, just to be with Ethan.

Speaking of, he didn’t show. Of course, no one was expecting him to– except me. I don’t know, I thought he’d want to be here.

I should probably go. I’ve been away too long, it’s getting suspicious.

Y/N

I close my diary in my lap and shove it into my bag. I’ve been writing in one of the bathroom stalls for the last ten minutes. Trying to kick the hand-washing habit. It’s hard to do much of anything with chapped fingers. Even though Dr. Stone’s writing therapy feels useless, it keeps my hands busy.

Making my way out of the women’s room, I spot my parents in the far corner of the church lobby. My mom has her head down, and her glassy eyes tell me that she’s reading some Times article that we’ll discuss on the car ride home instead of my best friend’s tragic suicide. My dad has the same vacant stare, too, but he’s not absorbed in anything– just staring out a window on the opposite wall.

For some reason, the sight makes me sick– I can’t spend another minute watching it. I storm out of the doors, chest heaving. 

Crossing the street, I end up on a small patch of grass by the parking lot. I double over, short of breath, and everything comes up. I’d be mortified if I didn’t feel like shit.

As I finish retching, I feel a hand on my back. I stiffen and turn to look.

“Fuck, Y/N, are you okay?” It’s Chad, with Mindy close behind.

“Uh, yeah,” I say, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “Sorry. Just overwhelmed.”

His eyes soften. “I get it.”

I can’t lie: it’s good to see the two of them. After avoiding everyone but Ethan for so long, the relief I feel at being with them outweighs my grief and guilt for the first time in days.

“Are you guys holding up any better than me?” I ask.

Chad laughs softly. “To be honest, no. I try not to think about it. I’ll get sucked into the cesspool of grief.”

“Yeah.” I nod in agreement. “I get that. What about you, Minds?”

She sighs. “Thinking too much, I guess.”

“Mm.”

There’s a long pause between all of us, but I don’t mind. I appreciate the quiet after the service.

Chad clears his throat. “So, um, we get that you’ve been MIA recently, and that’s cool because grieving is personal and all, but we miss you. A lot, actually. So will you please, please, please come have dinner with us tonight? At our place? Our parents are going out, so we can break into their wine cellar like we used to, I will cook, and Mindy will let you choose the movie for once.”

“I don’t know about that last bit,” Mindy intervenes, and Chad gives her a playful shove. “But, yeah. Please?”

I should probably say no, but, fuck, I miss them. “Okay.”

“Yes!” Chad hugs me tight, and pulls away, grinning. “We missed you, Y/N. Don’t be a stranger right now. We’re a team– you, me, Mindy, and Anika.”

Mindy groans. “Save your pep talks for your actual team. Season hasn’t even started yet, dork!”

“Yeah, whatever. We’ll see you tonight, okay?”

I roll my eyes at them as they walk away. “See you then.”

For the first time since Tara died, I let a big smile creep onto my face. Maybe this will all be okay.

That is, until I catch a glimpse of a dark jacket and curly hair in my peripheral vision. Turning sharply, I see Ethan, parked in his car across the street. He’s staring at Chad as he and Mindy walk towards their car.

Then he turns and looks at me, and my blood runs cold. His eyes are unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. There’s no hint of that softness I’ve become used to, but they’re not wild like last night in his car. His eyes are dark and stony, perfectly calculating.

Against my better judgment, I start towards his car, but his engine roars to life. He drops his gaze, and I stop before I reach the curb. 

Ethan speeds away without looking back.

taglist: @miawastakens dm or reply to be added!

[jollyreginaldrancher]

Yellowjackets S2 e5

Why are they talking about the baby in the recap? Is Shauna gonna give birth soon? Or miscarry? Something is gonna happen with the baby for sure.

The vibes in Van's place are immaculate.

Excuse me, you mean to tell me there were other people in the room while they were having their moment? Like were they unaware that queer history was happening right in front of them, or?

TAI REALLY FELL FOR HER 😅

I could go on about how Van's place/shop indicate she is also stuck in time or regressing like the others but I feel like I've been ranting too long in these posts. It is weird she just threw her bills away though. Almost like she was not planning on staying there long enough for the consequences to reach her. Was she living a nomadic life or was she just about to pack up and move? Or were her problems so bad she was just giving up on them? I dont know. I could analyse that in a million different ways but ultimately I just need more info really.

Speaking of which, I hope the scene continues after the credits. If we have to wait all episode for an update again I don't know what I am gonna do.

Oh we're back to the friggin cabin.

I'm gonna set it in fire 😤

Van's not sleeping with Taissa anymore? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

She woke up unattached to her. Is this her way of breaking things off? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Please tell me she just got up to pee.

Oh thank god they're still together 😅

They're giving me life at the moment so I'm just happy to see them together.

Shauna's belly looks massive for someone who's stranded in the woods with nothing to eat. I feel like there's no way the baby and stomach would get that big.

Honestly let's take a moment to think about how much it would have sucked for Shauna being not only pregnant as a teen in that situation but also her best friend dying and losing any sort of comfort she had from that relationship on top of everything else. Like I can close my eyes and imagine Jackie helping her or snuggling up to her or giving her a massage or whatever cause she was that kind of friend. And now that's gone.

I completely understand why she would go into that shed to talk to her and Tai is fooling herself if she thinks she'd be any better if Van really did die when she got mauled to death.

"happy wife happy life" now you're getting it 😘

Honestly glad Trevor is at the cult therapy session. He needed some anger management and this is the closest thing to that in this scenario.

Did nobody tell Callie that her new friend is a cop or is this a scheme of some sort?

Would it be bad if I just skipped all these filler scenes and just watched the bits that I cared about? This is honestly starting to resemble pretty little liars in a bad way with all the random filler comphet relationships. Like I had to wait through so many Ezra and Aria scenes just to get to the good stuff (Paige and Emily) and it feels like this show is kind of turning into the same thing at this point.

Every interesting scene is intercut with random shit of straight people screwing or married couples fighting and crap like that. We get like one gay scene but we have to sit through 45 minutes of other crap to get to it and it's not fair.

I don't hate any of these characters, they're just spreading the runtime time too thin between too many characters. Cut Callie out completely. Take out a chunk of Shauna and Jeff's stuff, they haven't really been interesting since Adam's death. Even Misty is suffering due to her forced collaboration with that shitty stalker of hers. Nat and Lottie and Tai and Van is where the present day story is at but their scenes are moving along at a snail's pace because they just spend way too much time trying to showcase other characters. Especially when things are really picking up in these other stories. I'm getting whiplash with the way the focus is constantly changing between all these groups of characters.

And I know other shows do it too (Game of thrones, bold and the beautiful, etc) but it's still really frustrating that it's happening here.

At least we're learning a bit about the cards. Though we already heard about them, we never really saw how they used them to divide tasks.

Not Randy 😅 why is he always the go-to for these lies? 🤣

If he hadn't been to taco bell how would he know the beans upset his stomach? He's clearly lying there. Also I still think he is shifty as fuck.

Oh my god we're FINALLY gonna see Van and Taissa interact as adults 🥹

I just know Van is looking at that wedding tape and wishing that was her and Tai 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Van is sharp as a whistle. She immediately hit the nail on the head.

They were together at Shauna's wedding? 🥹 Or at least they were talking and interacting back then 🥹🥹

Please, for the love of God, tell me they got that pretzel 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Just know I'm hanging onto every word Van and Taissa say.

A bunch of other scenes and things happened and I didn't really care because Van and Taissa weren't there and I'm lazer-focused on them at the moment.

Like I love Melanie Lynskey but I didn't even want to look at her straight shenanigans. Just show us the lesbians please and thank you 😭

Crystal and Misty are bonding though and it's cute but it's making me worry that Crystal is going to get killed off soon. They tend to not focus on anybody but the mains and the characters that get killed off and since Crystal only really started cropping up recently I feel it would be naive to assume they were just showing more of the other yellowjackets out of the goodness of their hearts and not just to make us sad when they eventually killed them off.

One thing I did not anticipate is how much I would end up loving these characters...specifically the yellowjacket girls, and even more specifically the lesbians (Shauna, Nat, Van, Misty, and Taissa). I am just so glad all my babies are all alive 😌 and now Van and Taissa can get back together and live happily ever after 🥰

Nothing against Simone but she doesn't get Tai like Van does. And while divorcing would be hard I think it's safe to say their marriage is beyond saving at this point. Not only did they lose love and trust but when your partner actively fears you then you NEED to step away.

Anyway Crystal and Misty are cute -though some of those stories they're sharing feel like something they should be unpacking with a psychiatrist and not a friend- but I am really worried about Crystal...wait, Kristen, apparently.

Oh no. Misty no, please tell me she's not going to tell her about the black box.

Misty nooooo 😭😩 why would you tell her that? Read the room!

I'm honestly getting autism vibes from Misty if I'm being honest. Mostly from the deodorant thing.

Yeah, Crystal is definitely gonna die.

See I don't even want to write RIP because of the obvious joke (rest in poop).

I'm guessing eating Crystal is out of the question. Cannibalizing a corpse is bad enough but cannibalizing a corpse that fell into the poop pit is just beyond the realm of acceptable.

Nat must be on some mission here because up til now she was desperate to escape and I don't think two therapy sessions would have really had that effect on her unless there's a lot more to their relationship in the past that we have yet to watch. Maybe related to that cult stuff. Though with the info we have now it seems more like a rivalry and like Nat is trying to break her cult up from the inside rather than trying to join it. Although cults do have more of an effect on people who fit Nat's circumstances, who are isolated and don't have much of anything going on for them.

I'm lowkey hoping Misty Crystals that William guy that's with her because I don't trust him and I can't stand him and historically her friends don't dare well.

Anyway I'm clueing onto the fact that Misty has some deep seated issues with self loathing and only pursues friendships with people like Nat, who hate her or otherwise look down on her because she can't accept being treated with love and respect as she doesn't feel like she deserves it.

Basically Misty is a masochist and turning away someone who looks up to her (or at least appears to worship her) because she hates herself and doesn't feel worthy of love and this is the way she's stagnated (like all the other girls have) and gotten stuck at age 16.

Honestly the vibe I'm getting is they're all punishing themselves. Nat through drugs, Shauna through sticking it out with Jeff because she feels like she HAS to make it worth basically killing Jackie, Misty through living a life of Loveless was and anonymity where she just cares for other people who would never care about her and Tai and Van by giving up the one thing that kept them while and sane; each other.

Everybody's making a sacrifice.

Shauna/Randy is cracking me up. I forgot he had some useful info he could share with her. Their scene was funny though at least and a break from the usual torture her scenes with her family are.

Is Tai really joining team Lottie or just playing peacekeeper?

Tell me that drug isn't a sign of bad times for Van. Like, I am sure it's a bad omen but just like to me.

I'm guessing painkiller or something like that. Lowkey hoping Van just had some bad injury and needed it, and not that she's addicted to it or needing it to survive.

There's a lot of other similar looking bottles in that shelf though 😭

Like she was watching that wedding video and it looked like she was longing for something. I don't want to jinx it, I'll shut up now 😭😭😭😭😭

When she said the V is for Vicky I thought she married someone named Vicky 😅 but no that's her mom's name. It's horrible she got cancer and died. Isn't it generic though? Van might not be out of the woods 🥺

If she survived all that just to get cancer and die I will kill myself 🙃

Anyway Van is right and has every right to be upset probably. It looks like Taissa was the first one to walk away. I don't know if we'll get more details but that's the vibe that we're getting here. Like it seems like Taissa left her behind and Van has been waiting for her all this time 🥹

TAISSA LOVES VAN CONFIRMED!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! GRAB YOUR U-HAULS AND YOUR SLEEPING BAGS BECAUSE VANTAI IS A GO!!!!!!!🥹🎉🎊

The gals are holding each other and crying, that's second base in lesbian.

The downside is we have to look at the other characters now. On the plus side I was right about Nat staying behind because she doesn't trust Lottie.

The wild thing is that Lottie did all that and Nat is the one looking insane in that scene. Like, read the room hon, this is a cult, they are self aware enough to know they're in a cult, they just don't care that it's a cult.

Honestly not surprised Shauna is terrified. Who wouldn't be in that scenario? But i feel like the subplot with Misty's friend dying should sort of take precedence over a simple fight. Unless it's not just a fight. I mean it's not like the baby's coming, they can wait a little

I just had to jinx it, didn't I?

Misty trying to save Crystal though was pretty heartbreaking. I thought she would run back to camp and play innocent. She really went all the way around to the bottom of the cliff just to try and save her immediately after threatening to kill her. Like I feel that shows she doesn't really mean to hurt people,

He really sniffed the splooge sponge?!

Misty: I lost Crystal in the storm

Van *is already out the door screaming Tai's name*

Is Shauna gonna give birth in the woods?

Are Van and Taissas's lesbian powers going to help the girlies get back to camp?

Speaking of Tai and Van we're back to the gals being pals. They fell asleep on the couch and Van covered Taissa with a blankie because she's in love with her 😌

There's no other explanation

And then Van painfully took her meds pretty much confirming she's the one that's sick.

You know what, I have decided to stop being a sceptic and lean into the cult stuff. If it cures whatever Vanessa has going on I'd be willing to convert 🥹

The girls are kissing 🥰🥰🥰

It was the other girl and Van but still.

I'm starting to think evil Tai has a widdle cwush on Van because that's twice now she took the chance to kiss her unprompted. 🫢

I want to believe in that "drunk words are sober thoughts" but instead of drunk words it's possessed smooching. I've decided that these two are getting back together and that they will get married and live happily ever after and buy a dog. Specifically a border Collie. They will have a yard and a VHS store and will live to be old. They will sip iced tea on the front porch and Van will be wearing jeans into her 80s. And when they do go it will be peacefully, in bed with each other, holding hands, in their sleep, together 🥹

That's canon now.

Anyway the show is trying to bait me into shipping Lottie with Nat but I've already decided that Nat is secretly in love with Misty so that's not gonna happen.

Maybe there's an AU where they all died. Maybe that universe is the good one.

Is it hunting at multiple universes? Or is the vision hinting at them being dead all along and being in limbo or hell? If Van dies we'll know it's hell.

Or maybe there really was something in the woods and they did bring it with them. Maybe that's why they refused to grow up and why they kept punishing themselves.

Then again maybe that something isn't an evil spirit but mental thing. That's what the sceptic in me would say if I hadn't drowned her when it became obvious that Van is dying.

The lesbian powers DID work! I knew they had some sort of telepathic connection. How else do you explain them constantly finding one another and so on.

Oh Shauna is giving birth to that baby like right now. Fuck the next episode is gonna be spectacular. I'm surprised they didn't hold out til the finale. They must have something bigger up their sleeve for that then. If they fucking kill Van I will be destroyed so hopefully not that though.

[ginnsbaker]

Wow this chapter was such a rollercoaster

First the video reader deleting it instead of using it against vision i was very interested to see which route you went with this cos on one hand vision should be punished for violating someone’s privacy that way but at the same time reader just doesn’t want to see it. I also wonder what readers paycheck looks like cos 800k is insane.

One of my favourite parts of the book wandas therapy. “Wandas resilience is a force to be reckoned with” damn right it is. Im glad calliope told her she’s a victim because what happened wasn’t okay and her feelings are valid because they absolutely are. This therapy session seemed one of the harder ones for wanda and i quite like it because it shows how recovery isn’t a straight line.

with the running club reader’s jealousy was not very discreet i mean the whole game thing as well trying to show her up then injuring yourself in the process💀(is it bad i kinda thought Valkyrie had something to do with reader not being picked to run in the marathon) and then Valkyrie pushing wanda to drink pissed me off i was screaming for reader to step in but oh my god they fumbled it. They didn’t have to say it like that man. Wanda’s struggles are personal she didn’t have to air it out to everyone its not fair to her when shes been putting in the effort to get help. Then what was said outside. I could’ve slapped y/n.

Sparky had me so scared i hate in booke and shows and movies when anything happens to a dog its so sad.

Now the juicy part

“It becomes perfectly clear to you that you love her and you never stopped. Not even then.” THANK YOU SHERLOCK YOU ARE THE LAST PERSON TO REALISE THIS. And then the kiss. Wow. I kinda expected it but im still shocked by it cos reader cheated. And poor wanda. “A hint of worry appears in wanda’s deep emerald eyes” she tried to stop it from happening and then the “this isn’t right” “you’re better than me” that just broke my heart. She can’t forgive herself (yet - i really hope she does one day). It just shows her growth because at the start she probably would’ve ran with it but now she’s put a stop to it even though it was probably so hard for her because shes still in love. Im worried yelena or nat are gonna label wanda a home wrecker even though she didn’t actually do anything in this case like i hope she doesn’t get treated poorly for reader’s decision.

Then yelena finding out. Reader was honest and told her immediately. And yelena reacted about as well as I expected her to. But and i hope I don’t sound like a bad person for this but i really agree with that other anon when they said what did she expect. I know that doesn’t excuse reader’s actions and im not trying to or invalidate yelenas feelings because her reaction is very natural. Im trying to say she jumped into this relationship with someone who was very emotionally unavailable. Someone who had a tragic end to a 10 year relationship and who didn’t have therapy to process that end. I think yelena was so obsessed with being with reader because of their past that it clouded her judgement to an extent (i say to an extent because she was cautious of wanda the whole time so she wasn’t completely blinded)

This brings me to the final thing something I could’ve addressed earlier but got way more complicated after the kiss. Natasha. Shes gonna kill y/n. Or wanda. Or both? Reader calling her earlier was sad because friendship breakups hurt so bad. At that point there was hope for fixing their friendship but i’m not so sure now because of that kiss. It sucks for reader it really does losing your best friend is one of the worst pains you can feel. I don’t feel reader’s completely at fault, for the cheating yes but I don’t think they should’ve been in that relationship to begin with. Yelena pursued them knowing what she was getting into and idk i kinda hope nat considers that part of it before she decides to cut reader out her life or something. Which is hard because yelena is her sister but she seems to forget reade is also her best friend ik its different for some people to some family is the most important to some its friends to some its both so its complicated.

Sometimes two souls are so intertwined that no matter the circumstances they just gravitate towards each other and there’s nothing any external forces (in this case yelena) can do about it. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Im eagerly awaiting chapter 17 i have been since you said reader would find out and oh my god seeing how this one went I absolutely can’t wait

-🧃

Hey there!

The 800k will partly be covered by R's insurance. I looked into it and basically they have insurance for that? like, it doesn't exist in my country so i went with that. probably R will be charged a participation fee though, im not sure

For the marathon lottery, it really is a lottery when you join any of the world major marathon events (london, new york, tokyo, berlin, chicago and boston) with only boston that is purely by qualification time to join. so val had nothing to do with reader not being picked in the lottery.

This is the same scene where I initially intended the dog to die, but I couldn't bring myself to. Sparky will be fine, no more scares from this point onward

Yelena - yes, i agree with you even though i feel bad about it. i keep saying this but ive literally been in yelena's shoes, our difference is just i decided not to pursue the person. a year later, i learned that this person cheated on the girl she dated after me. so i dodged a bullet on that one. i always had a feeling that i was just second choice.

Wanda is so strong in this chapter but she's not going to magically turn into someone with the most self control in this story, but it's not going to be bad either..

Natasha is a bit indifferent to Wanda because she knows reader had the choice to stay away if she really wanted to. but anyway, i can't say much without spoiling some details

Whew that was long! but thank you so much for taking the time to give me your observations. I treasure each of them!

[pearblossommina]

ToG Read-A-Long, Tower of Dawn, day 3

Ch 11

This chapter’s kinda flirty

“To ride - even if he could not walk, riding ..."

Aw yeah ride around on a horse! Therapy horse! Aw yeah!

"Another massage today?"

Please, he nearly added. His muscles already ached from his exercising, and moving so much between bed and sofa and chair and bath - ”

Why didn’t he just ASK for a massage lol

It can be part of the treatment

Massage therapy

Chaol just ASK lol

Ch 12

No pain no gain, right, Chaol! Uh, ok. Let’s get healed.

And a sexy flight with a prince.

Is this book gonna be about Nesryn and Chaol falling out of love and getting with these other characters?

Ch 13

Owie! My heart. So this echo of dark valg power sitting at the top of Chaol’s spine really means to put up an effort.

I get the feeling through the tea drinking scene, Chaol wants to take care of somebody, and doesn’t like being cared for. Which is a little hard, especially with Yrene’s role as his healer, and his role as her patient.

And then right after we get a little scene with the way Yrene treats him juxtaposed to the way Nesryn treats him. He likes to do things himself, he doesn’t like being lifted into bed, and she’s not being sensitive to that. I do get the feeling that they’re going to break up. Which sucks but. They’re both already kind of actively flirting with someone else.

Nesryn talking about her dead mom. I think if magic existed and could do such amazing things like curing cancer, it’s hard to believe it would ever be forbidden. This is a different side of magic, compared to the aggressive firepower we’ve seen on display from characters like Aelin. So the King’s command to suppress all magic in Ardarlan and kill anyone with any heritage or ties to be able to use it, makes sense coming from a position of fear. But why wasn’t an exception made for healers? Like they might be able to cure cancer. Anyone can get sick. What if the King himself had taken ill? Or someone in his family? There’s no healers on the continent, he MADE SURE, and the only ones left are fighting infection and disease with willow bark and herbs. Like what kind of actual asshole do you have to be to make life worse for everybody, just so you can control all the magic, and let everyone else suffer and die.

I’m glad that guy’s dead, he fucking sucks.

Ch 14

"And what about you, then? How about we make a deal: you tell me all your deep, dark secrets, Yrene Towers, and I'll tell you mine.”

That is not the way therapy works, Chaol.

Nice try, though. If you want to get to know her, just say, hey, I think you’re cute and I’d like to get to know you

“He'd been sinking and drowning since.

Long before his spine.

He wasn't certain if he'd even tried to swim. Not since that sword had gone into the river. Not since he'd left Dorian in that room with his father and told his friend -- his brother - that he loved him, and knew it was good-bye. He'd... left. In every sense of the word.”

Hey hey hey it’s ok Chaol - everything’s better now - Dorian is better now. Like. You are a hero. Did you forget? Yes, Chaol - you are the one who saved him. You saved him, Chaol.

He sent you here because he wants to see you get better. And you cannot get better if you keep dwelling on this dark shit.

You left him because you had to.

You saved him, because you never stopped believing that he was still in there, and that you and all your friends could fight for a better world.

And you did! And you were amazing! The world is better now!

It’s not done yet, but we’ll get there someday.

Chaol. Please get started on your therapy.

Ch 15

“It took Yrene a few heartbeats to reorder the room, the dynamic with Nesryn now in it. Yrene was not the primary ... person. She was the help, the secondary ... whatever.”

Lol oh my god this is amazing

Yrene - did you forget Chaol has a girlfriend?

Stop flirting with your patients - you’re so unprofessional!

(I’m so here for this messy love triangle)

(I think messy love triangles are my favorite trope)

Pretty real, pretty raw emotions. Oh, my heart goes out to Chaol.

Ch 16

“I let him take on his father and face the consequences, and I fled."

She watched him in silence. "He is fine now, though.”

"I don't know. He is free - he is alive. But is he fine? He suffered. Greatly. In ways I can't begin to...." His throat tightened to the point of pain. "It should have been me. I had always planned for it to be me instead."

He IS fine now!

He has ALL OF HIS FRIENDS with him, and things are getting better everyday!!

He’s got a girlfriend too!!! They had kinky sex on a boat!!!!

Chaol - you’re gonna be so happy when you see him again!!!!! When you see how happy and healthy and horny Dorian is!!!!!! Stop beating yourself up, I can’t take this, lol, my heart, my HEART

Phew at least we had a breakthrough and he can wiggle his toes!!!!!!!!!

This book, omg. I did not expect to feel so torn up inside about Chaol and the journey he went through. I guess if you really lay it out and stop and think about how much fucking adventure there’s been? There really hasn’t been time for anyone to process any of the deeply traumatic shit that’s been going on.

I did not expect, by any means, Chaol to be the one to start this self-introspective emotional healing journey. Damn boy. Are you ok??? Are you gonna be ok???? Blink twice if you need to be held and told it’s all gonna be ok.

[1d1195]

Not him inviting his friend over😭 A deep clean is always so satisfying! I hope you'll be able to still recharge a bit plus I support hiding for a bit!Oh that sounds pretty good!! And it just makes sense you would be most excited for the veggies and honestly i'm excited for you lol

I think that it’s very easy for most shows to lose their way so I totally get it! Anyways I also LOVED cake boss as a kid!! Buddy was like a GOD in my eyes HAHA

I would CRY if someone said that to me omg that's so sweet😭But yeah i get how seeing your students struggle can be difficult but I guess it is a good thing that she likes you at least! Like that has to mean something lol Though I can only imagine what goes on in her head so hopefully she can out grow constantly being in drama lol 

NOT BANK OF AMERICA HAHA I honestly don't blame her! I have heard many horror stories from that place so in this case I say that’s so valid lol 

Us together in person would just be TOO powerful(i LOVE that for us) !!! which is why the universe put us on opposite sides of the country lol. I seriously try to edit out “unnecessary” details through my responses but I fear in person my train of thought is not linear when I'm comfortable 😭 People have also lost the meaning of a good filler episode and long seasons! I can argue so much how streaming has changed the way people appreciate shows/movies which is crazy!

Sadly I only get one class with a break :( which is CRAZY considering I'm sure the professors don’t enjoy these long ass classes either?! But I don’t think it’s weird at all! I felt good about this decision ultimately because I receive aid from the state and that only lasts for 4 years so it’s a MUST that I need to be done on time! Plus even though it may not seem like it, compared to how i was even a year ago, i am in a better place so I did take some time to think about it lol And I totally get you!! You’re a perfectionist and if you feel like this is how you’ll be in therapy then it would probably feel more like a burden for you. I used to have a similar fear too when I first started therapy when I was younger so you’re not weird for thinking that at all! But the right therapist for you will never make you feel like that trust me! It’s definitely a process and please NEVER FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH ONE OUT OF OBLIGATION! If you have any doubts even after the first session, trust your gut! It’s annoying of course with insurance and all that but it never hurts to try! Oh bestie do I have a surprise for you my therapist is a MAN 😭he’s the first guy therapist i’ve had and I was honestly never wanting one tbh but at the time I was just SO desperate to start therapy again that I caved lol I too hate men most of the time and I lowkey feel uncomfortable sometimes around them but obviously he doesn’t make me feel like that lol I think that he’s definitely helped me a lot and idk it’s been very helpful in this stage of my life lol Hope that if/when you start therapy that you’ll be able to find someone who understands you and sees you for all that you are, which is a lovely person!

YAY TO ONE MORE WEEK!! YOU GOT THIS!! I do understand your frustration though with kids still managing to fail. Even though I'm sure the majority of teachers try to make it as easy as possible while still trying to teach them as much as they can. It also sucks if they don’t communicate if they might be struggling with the content and/or stuff in their personal life so that just doesn’t help. I know that you try your best and really there can be only so much done with the circumstances! I totally get it!  

AWW OMG OUR ANNIVERSARY TOO?! SAM THAT’S SO SWEET OMG 😭😭😭literally that story gave me the courage to ask for my emoji and I will always be so grateful that you let us read your stories!!

Btw i'm gonna have to talk about most part 3 in a different ask bc this is already too long lol-💜 

Haven't had the veggies yet, but the friend is gone THANK GOD. I didn't like him very much (he wasn't creepy or anything, but just not my cup of tea) I like most of my bf's friends. This one has a habit of rubbing people the wrong way.

I jus thought the crazy cakes were so fun! Buddy was hilarious and I loved the family dynamics 😂 reminded me of home 💀

When she's being annoying I think about how she said that to me. She also will come in and yell at younger students when they're acting stupid in class and put them in their place because she's high key terrifying 😭😭 But naturally I bought her a book this weekend so she would do her summer reading. Trying to get her to connect with her studies and shit. I need her to graduate but I'm worried she's going to be on the 6-year track if she doesn't get her shit together 😂😂

I LOVE THAT FOR US TOO!

Bro, there's no WAY your professors enjoy glazed-over faces for three hours. I give my kids breaks after like TWENTY MINUTES hahahaha My attention span is shot after an hour. Ah, nothing like financial aid to push you into an absolute FRENZY of a timeline ugh. It will totally be worth it--I think, I feel that way about my degrees anyway. I tell people all the time I'm glad I grew up poor I wouldn't have been able to afford college. "The hassle was worth the tassel" and all that.

A MAN?! I'm actually really pleased with this fact. I'm sure he's very capable--especially if you've chosen to stick with him. I knew they were capable of empathy 😂

I appreciate all the tips and thoughts! I've heard that before and I actually saw a character on my show trying out different therapists and my cousin also mentioned it to me. So I'm willing to shop around. But YES, I think you described it perfectly! I would def feel like a burden to please someone else in my life but I know you're right--with the right therapist I won't feel that way.

It just feels like my fault. Like I'm not doing enough. But also I don't know how to make them care. That's my issue during the regular school year too. I feel like the students I have a terrifying, growing apathetic nature toward things. Maybe it's just my age but they don't seem to like sports, movies/TV, or ANYTHING. I know I joke, but I'm not exactly old and I have SUCH a hard time relating to them sometimes. I also feel bad for all my coworkers because I'm CONSTANTLY asking for reassurance because I feel so defeated and whatnot. But anyway. I'm excited for the week to be done and then I'll have a chunk of weeks to myself reading and preparing new lessons and shit before the school year starts. It's far to think in advance and I will def miss the $ but I'm strongly considering taking next summer off. 

You are the sweetest! 💕 I'm so glad to share them. I find it so therapeutic to hide behind my screen and let you all read my inner thoughts 😭

hope you have a good week! I imagine you're rapidly approaching finals for your first two classes 😭 best of luck (not that you'll need it!) 💕

xoxo

[teddyniffler]

Chapter 6

Amara walked down the hallway. Her meeting with Michael didn’t go entirely to plan. Walk in, speak her mind to Michael, leave all negative thoughts about him in the past, walk out with her head held up. Reno. Casino. Spa. However, the second her nephew mentioned the Winchesters, her plans had been blown. Her mind flooded with questions.

Her feelings for the Winchesters were complicated. She loved Dean for freeing her, they were bounded together. They would always be bound. She the Lock and he the Key. She rubbed her chest where the Mark was, sitting just over her heart. Fitting place for it to be, her brother broke her heart when he locked her up and then by freeing her, Dean has returned the Mark to her flesh. She knew he didn’t return these feelings for her. For Dean, family was his love. She had also grown herself as a person and had become independent, not needing to rely on anybody else other than herself. The old Amara would pine after Dean, wish to be with him, this new Amara did not.

So why couldn’t she rid her thoughts of the name Winchesters as soon as Michael spoke that name? Why could see Dean in her mind right now. Why was it the thought of the Winchesters being hurt by Chuck hurt her?

She let out a cry of frustration and an angel turned to look at her. “What are you looking at?” Amara snapped at it. Angels were not her favourite beings, always admiring Chuck, worshipping Chuck. They knew who he really was, they knew he had abandoned them all and still they were blindly devoted to him. Angels were suck ups. The angel sunk into the wall, trying to look as small and unimportant as they could be. Amara stormed into the throne room, throwing open the doors as she approached. Chuck would be in here she imagined. “Brother?” She spoke to the room. It was empty after all, he was not here, but she knew he could hear her “Where are you?” She went on, walking around the room, touching the throne of Heaven as she did. She knew that would get his attention for sure. There was no reply. Naturally. “Brother, don’t ignore me”

Doctor Theos pushed open the door. Adam didn’t pay him any attention. He came into the room a lot now. Sometimes he would just stand and watch Adam, silently observing him. Sometimes he spoke to Adam. Other times Adam’s head was so foggy he couldn’t remember entire conversations. At times, Adam had the impression the doctor was talking to himself.

For Chuck, the room was simply a small office in an abandoned warehouse. Adam was slumped against the wall, sitting on the ground. Chuck never moved Adam out of this room, in fact Adam had not moved at all since Chuck brought him here, Adam only believed he was walking around. Adam finally looked up. His bed was so soft. The room was warm. The room was cold and damp. A naked bulb the only light. It never got turned off. “Hi” Adam said, he yawned. He was always feeling tired now. “Do we have another therapy session?” “We do” Chuck smiled “Today I wanted to talk more about your delusions. You see Adam, I find in my patients if we talk about recurring themes, we can often find a pattern. This means I want you to tell me what Michael used to tell you” Adam frowned “He’s not real though” Chuck smiled. “He’s not real, yes, but this will help you. Now, before you told me Michael was making you both hide from this evil God. Why was he hiding? What did he find? What has Michael told you” Adam at the doctor. He was holding a clipboard, sitting on Adam’s bed with him. He was smiling again. “He” Adam began “He was scared. He told my brothers -Sorry, I mean I don’t have brothers- but Michael had been speaking to two other guys. God was coming for Michael because Michael told his secret, but Michael wasn’t just gonna run, he was finding a way to fight back against God. He said he knew how to take the Light from God. I don’t know what that means, it’s just my brain making things up right?”

Chuck leaned in “What did Michael learn? How was he planning on taking God’s Light? How far into his plans is he?” Adam blinked “Adam” Chuck pressed on “Tell me” “I-I- Don’t know” Adam got out “It’s just my brain making things up. I don’t know. Michael was scared, he moved fast, he was looking for God everywhere, scared we were being followed. He didn’t tell me. He didn’t show me. He pushed me down before I could see” Chuck glared at Adam in disgust, but to Adam, the doctor was smiling warmly “I see” Chuck said. He stood up. Adam watched as the doctor stood “Time for your medication, Adam” he said. Adam was confused. He took his medication at night. It was daytime “But, it’s not time yet, I take th-“ Adam gasped. Chuck brought his hand up and clicked his fingers. Adam collapsed backwards onto the floor. He was unconscious before he could finish talking. In hours he would awaken without remembering anything at all.

Chuck was seething. Of course Michael would have covered his tracks. Glaring down at the empty vessel of Michael’s, Chuck wanted to burn him up, cell by cell, both to punish Michael and the Winchesters, however the longer he kept Adam alive, the more he could make Michael suffer. However, would Michael even know if he killed Adam. He didn’t have to find out. Adam could be gone Michael would still think they could be hope and then Chuck will crush it. If Adam really didn’t know anything, he was useless to Chuck... “Ooooh” Chuck moaned, a smile appearing on his face. He lifted his had up again and held it in Adam’s direction. He focused on Adam’s blood, making it all pile up on itself, bursting veins, exploding cells. Crushing his lungs as they tried to expand. He watched as Adam’s breathing turned shallow and fast. Watched as the colour drained from his face as his body twitched.

Brother … Brother Brother Chuck rolled his eyes. Why did she always have to call him when he is busy! Blood was dripping from Adam’s mouth, but he was still alive. BROTHER She wasn’t going to give up, so in a glow of light, Chuck located his sister and flew in her direction, she was in a park waiting for him. “Amara” He said. He wasn’t happy to see her, not after she abandoned him in Reno and allowed him to walk all over the earth. Family loyalty was something she didn’t get.

“Brother” She said to him “What are you doing?”

Chuck sighed, she was always moaning at him too. “You’re gonna have to be specific. I’m going like three or four things right now. Creating a new book, chasing up a few loose ends, punishing my son, making music, eating” “I meant with the Winchesters, their brother” Chuck’s eyes narrowed “Have you been spying on me Amara? You know I don’t like that. What I do with my toys has nothing to do with you” “It does if it concerns the Winchesters” The nerve of her! Chuck felt himself getting angry, he closed the distance between him and his sister and grabbed her wrist “I said they are my toys. I created them. You understand?” She pulled her arm out of his grip “Don’t touch me, Chuck. You know what I can do to you” Chuck backed down, yes, he knew what she could do. The day Sam and Dean let her free was his greatest regret. He should have stopped them, but he had been too soft. Now he was paying for that “I’m going now” Chuck spat “Don’t expect me to answer your prayers again Sister”. He hissed out the last word as if it was the greatest insult he could give her. And then he was gone. Amara breathed deeply. If she wanted answers, she would find them herself. The answers she wanted were sitting drinking beer at their kitchen table. Dean swore loudly and pulled out his gun. Sam jumped to his feet, his hair flying around as he spun around to face her “AMARA!” They both shouted at the same time. Dean didn’t lower the gun. At the table was a boy Amara didn’t know, however she had an idea of who he was, he looked just like his father after all. Next to him was the Winchester’s angel. She never quite remembered his name, but she knew he once said yes to Lucifer. He was not important enough for her. Sam and Dean moved closer together, blocking the boy from her sight, his blue eyes on Amara, looking at her in surprise, in wonder. The angel stood too, his hand on the child. Amara was reminded of animals protecting their young. Right now the Winchesters and their pet angel were not the friendliest, however what really bothered her was the child. She could only imagine what he could do to her.

“I’m not here for trouble, so you can put your gun away Dean” She said, looking at Dean and yet again feeling that connection between them. He still had his gun pointed at her, which bothered her in a small way. Was he really going to try and hurt her again? They both knew Dean could never hurt her. “I think not” Dean said, “Why are you here?” Straight to businesses then.

“When I was here last, I didn’t learn everything it seems.” She paused; Dean still had the gun pointed at her head “Do you have another brother? One who said yes to Michael?” The effect this one sentence had on them was confirmation alone. Sam’s mouth opened and he mouthed something Amara didn’t get, and Dean’s eyebrows lowered

“Adam” Sam said “Why? What’s happened? Amara!” Dean lowered his gun only so slightly Amara didn’t answer right away. She loved Dean, however he would never see her as anything but the bad party, even though she was the wronged one. If she offered to help this brother of theirs, maybe then… “Michael and your brother are no longer together. Michael is in heaven’s jail and Chuck is hurting your brother”

There was deadly silence in the room “Where is Adam?” Sam asked. Dean lowered his gun “That son of a bitch!” he yelled, his voice echoing off the walls. The child was looking from the Angel to the brothers in confusion. “I do not know” Amara told them “My brother has him, Michael doesn’t know either.” “Where’s Michael?” The angel asked Amara. “He’s in jail” She said, uncaring. Michael was not her concern, none of her nephews meant anything to her. Not even this kid who was still looking at her. They were nothing, he was nothing. She had washed her hands of the lot. “We must get him out. He can find Adam. Adam is his vessel. We must go to heaven” The angel actually stood up, as if he were to go right now. That made Amara laugh. “You do know you cant just break another angel out of there? My brother made those cells himself, the warding on those cells are far too much for an ordinary angel to break out off” The Winchesters turned to look at her “No” She said “I’m not breaking him out. Michael hurt me remember, him, Lucifer, Raphael and Gabriel. He can rot in there and the others can rot in the empty for what they did to me” Dean was looking right at her “Adam is family” He said, looking her right in the eye “And we need him. We already let him down twice now. We couldn’t protect him, and he died, later he had to say yes to Michael because I refused. Then we threw him in Hell. This is on us. Please, help us find our brother”. Damn those eyes.

Amara pressed her lips. She didn’t want to let Michael out at all. It ruined everything she wanted right now, but then she remembered. If she was to fully become her better self, then maybe…

BANG Michael’s wings flew up, he had been dozing asleep, something he only ever did recently to recover from his wounds. The doors has been blown open and there stood Amara framed, dust and debris flying. Michael rubbed his eyes to clear them off dust, he was shocked by the sudden turn of events. Had she changed her mind on hurting him or was this something else? She walked up to him, as he was sitting on the floor he had to look up to see her face, his golden brown eyes looking up at her. He was not even more messy, which she was secretly happy about. “How about a jail break?” She asked him.

[astros-turf]

I'm watching one piece. I'm on episode 512. Major spoilers for the marinefort arc so if you don't want that spoiled don't read.

I have made a literal blog post blogging about my feelings when it comes to one piece. If you wish to read an essay of how emotional I get about one piece and how much it makes me cry written by a tired, high, queer guy... Then this is the post for you.

Okay. I have been incredibly emotional watching this show. It has the perfect ebb and flow with the major arcs. They build stories up so well. I could talk about this for hours. I sobbed watching the enies lobby arc. I think about Robins I WANT TO LIVE! Fucking constantly. At least once a day. I kinda want it tattooed but I don't know if I want the manga panel or just the words. And then also maybe that's a weird thing to tattoo. Anyway. She's my absolute favourite anime "girl" (quotes cuz she's a woman and it feels weird calling her a girl but this feels fedora-y i hate this). Robins just so cool and I wanna sit and hear about the lands history from her and I want her to tell me about all the theories that the archeology world has going.

But anyway I've been watching this marinefort arc and I had spoiled Aces death ahead of time for myself. So I was really struggling because I was really anxious to see it? Not because I was particularly attached to Ace, but because I'm very protective of Luffy and that's his brother so of course I care like he's my own brother. (I feel like I'm not making sense, I am high and also I have adhd lol)

But I didn't cry for Ace's death somehow. I think I was just so... Not shocked but like stunned? And also so angry that they worked so hard to get to him and Ace just had to stand his ground and I can even respect that but then the double whammy of he ultimately died to protect Luffy. And I just couldn't process that at the time. So I didn't cry. But the whole mini arc after that, the kid one? I was crying left and right at every single thing ace said. I wanted to punch Garp cuz he's an idiot. I wanted to punch Garp more for punching literal children. But mostly I cried because you learn about ace standing up to danger even when that's not the best option and you find out Roger did that too. And it turns out that ace has done it before, also to protect Luffy. Like bro Luffy is Ace's world man, like that's his baby brother and Ace is the fuckin best big bro ever. Made me miss being a kid with my brother when we used to wrestle and roughhouse all the time and have play fights and stuff. My brother is 10 years older than me, so it wasn't much of a fight ever but I remember having a blast. We don't talk anymore and that really sucks, but shit happened and I don't think the relationship will be quite the same unless he gets some therapy or a divorce or both. Anyway. Maybe that's why Ace's death is hitting me so weird, it's like too relatable?

Anyway. I've been off and on crying because of all the crew members finding out about the war and immediately trying to get the fuck to sabaody even if it kills em and I just was like oh my god everyone cares so much. Oh my god and when Jinbe was tryna get Luffy to snap out of it so he'd stop hurting himself and he was like don't you have something worth living for?? And Luffy is remembering his crew one by one I was like "Your crew! 😭" "I've missed our crew too! 😭😭" Bro I really wanna be a pirate on luffys ship. I have no idea what I'd do, I'm not superhuman smart or strong or have some sort of gimmick... None of my SpIns are useful in battle or could be adapted to be useful in battle lol. I'd have to eat a devil fruit for sure cuz there's no way I'd accidentally stumbled ass backwards into haki how I am now. Anyway. Crying.

The whole reason I made this post. I thought I was good. I thought surely, this is gonna be a time when I don't cry. They're finally telling us the full meaning behind what luffys message was and giving us a better look at the photo of Luffy. Cool. Ooo, crocodile. Oh shit? The new gay lovers are going to the new world? With what crew?

Awwww oh my goodness. Everyones home towns... Oh my god Dadan! DADAN. "REST IN PEACE YOU BRAT!" had me HICCUP CRYING. IT STARTED WITH A HICCUP TOO. I had to pause and do a reality check when you're like too deep in the media ya know? Cuz I was like holy fuckin shit get ahold of yourself man. And then I realized that this show feels like free therapy with how much I fuckin cry. And then I was like I gotta ramble about this so here we are.

[empressofthesunwriter]

Friendly Faces Everywhere

Codename Dovahkiin Part 2

Now that the Stick of Truth RPG is over it's time for N.K. to face the normal everyday life of South Park.

She should have known nothing in South Park is ever normal!

Day to day the craziness of this supposed quiet little mountain town she has to combat now.

Thank god, she has Tammy, Wendy, her boys, and her Social Media/Magical Girl Powers on her side.

This gonna be a wild ride!

Main Pairing: New Kid/Kenny McCormick/Kyle Broflovski

Chapter 1: Photoshops sucks!

I hated the episode in Canon so much, maybe that’s why I couldn’t write more than what you will read now.

I just wanted to have it done in give it the conclusion it should have gotten.

You will see what I mean.

Hopefully, the next chapter will be better.

Happy reading, my loves.

Since I began school in South Park all had been calm and, dare I say it normal.

After what I experienced last week with the whole Stick of Truth RPG I’m really…surprised.

Don’t get me wrong.

I lived through some traumatic shit, but it’s fascinating how all in South Park just got over that Nazi Zombie nearly eat them and a secret government organization wanted to blow us all up.

As Tammy said, they are used to it.

Will I one day be used to it too so that it doesn’t matter to me anymore? I would like to live this day.

My therapy bill is already high enough.

No more traumas, please.

Or at least make me indifferent to them.

“What do you think, you got on our math test?”, ask me, Tammy.

She is standing with me by my locker, as I get the Math book, we need for our next lesson.

Sadly our lockers are not even close to each other. Would be too convenient if we were also locker neighbors.

Deadpanning I put the Math book in my pink backpack.

“A great disappointment. Math is so stupid. Like we will need this shit in real life. For what purpose do calculators exist?”

“You say it sis.”

“Big sis!”, cries the familiar voice of Leo.

I turn in time and catch the crying boy.

“Leo?”, I rub his back soothing. “Are you hurt? Do I need to kick someone in the balls?”

“What’s wrong, Butters?”, ask him Tammy also worried.

Leo sniffles, holding into me like I’m his only anchor in the world.

Who fucked up my baby bro so bad?!

They will pay!

“W-Wendy.”

“What’s with Wendy?”

“S-She s-said m-my g-g-girlfriend is a-a-a h-h-hobbit!”, he lets out a loud wail.

I shush him softly, while Tammy and I look confused at each other. None of us even know that Leo has a girlfriend.

“Now, now Leo. You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend, was she with you when Wendy said that?”

Leo gulps and dries with one hand his tears.

“W-Well she said it to a picture of her. It’s Kim Kardashian.”

…What?

I let go of Leo.

“Little Bro explain please from the beginning.”

And he does.

Apparently, Lisa Burger, a little chubby girl, asked him out on a date and he said no. This is his right if he doesn’t want to date her, but he said to the poor girl’s face he doesn’t want to because she is fat. Wendy heard about that and confronted him. So Leo told her he likes women like Kim Kardashian and Wendy explained to him that people like Kim Kardashian photoshop their photos and she actually looks like a hobbit in real life.

He came then running to me because I promised him I would help him against bullies and Wendy has been a big ol’ meanie to Kim Kardashian.

Speechless Tammy and I stare at him.

Is he actually serious?

“W-Will you talk to Wendy, big sis? She was so mean!”

He is!

So I do what I never thought I would need to do with Leo.

I flick his forehead.

The younger boy whines confused, rubbing his hurting spot.

“Leopold Stotch, I’m very disappointed in you!”, I begin my lecture. “Not only did you say to a poor girl in her face she is fat, you also rather take a fantasy than someone real. Wendy is right! Kim Kardashian uses Photoshop, she doesn’t look like this perfect in real life. Also, she had a bunch of plastic surgery! There is nothing natural anymore about that woman. How can you be so vain? Would you like it if some girl you like told you she doesn’t want to date you because you have this huge and ugly scar on your left eye and she rather wants Zac Efron?!”

Tammy nods in agreement and Leo looks at me like I destroyed his world.

Good, he needs a wake-up call.

Better from me than from someone else.

The school bell sounds, meaning it’s time for our next lesson.

“I want you to think long and hard about all this and that you say sorry to Lisa Berger. Do I make myself clear?”

I don’t wait for an answer, since our Math teacher is a huge dick if we are not punctually at his lesson, take Tammy’s hand and go to our classroom.

At least Tammy and I sit beside each so we can whisper, while we should solve Math problems.

Math can suck my dick.

“Can you actually believe, Leo?! I thought he was better than that.”, I whisper to Tammy.

“All straight men are the same.”, she signs. “They want this perfect body, but we should lower our standers.”

“Sis, did I tell you I’m so proud of you? You are becoming a real feminist.”

“Thanks to your lessons.”

There is a knock on our door and Mr. Taylor calls for the person to come in.

It’s Mr. Mackey.

Huh?

Wonder what he wants.

“Hello, Patrick, mkay. Can Novella-Karin come with me for a sec? Mkay.”

“Campo, you heard Mr. Mackey, go with him.”

Surprised I follow Mr. Mackey to the school counselor’s room. Ah yes, I remember it. Here was the gold key to the Cafeteria.

My surprise gets bigger as I see Leo already in the room, still crying.

…Why do I get this bad feeling in my stomach.

“Mr. Mackey, what’s wrong?”, I ask him.

“Novella-Karin-“

“-N.K. is totally okay Mr. Mackey-“

“N.K., mkay. Please sit down. We will talk when the other person joins us. mkay.”

I do as I’m told and mouth to Leo what is going on, yet he refuses even to look at me.

Yeah, the bad feeling gets worse.

I hear how the door opens.

“Uh, take a seat, Wendy. I guess some mean things were said and I need to get to the bottom of it.”

Wendy and I stare at each other.

Since the Battle of the Dark Fortress of Clyde, we haven’t seen or talked with each other.

“What is she doing here?”, we both ask at the same time.

“Girls, please. I will explain, mkay.”

Confused Wendy takes a sit too and notices Leo.

“Oh, good. Lisa Berger told on you? Good!”

“Uh no, Wendy.”, corrects Mr. Mackey. “Apparently, you called Butters' girlfriend a hobbit. Then when he went to you N.K. to be consoled, you agreed with Wendy and even said that she had plastic surgery.”

My chin meets the floor.

Leo fucking sold me out to Mackey? For the Kardashian?

I say what, what the fuck?!

“Are you serious?”, says Wendy in the same disbelieve I am feeling.

“You did! You said Kim was short, fat, and hairy with big feet and she's a hobbit!”, yells Leo. “And my own big sister agrees with you and said she even had plastic surgery!”

“Because it’s true?!”, I shout throwing my hands in the air. “I can’t even believe that we have this conversation right now!”

“Also that's not his girlfriend! It's Kim Kardashian!”, adds Wendy.

“Uh, but, but, Wendy, N.K. Kim Kardashian is considered to be extremely beautiful, mkay?”

“Right, but she's not in real life. She's a hobbit.”, argues Wendy.

I can’t help but snort.

“Hah! I know like 100 people in real life who are way hotter than Miss Fake-Tits. I like natural tits on my woman more than these fake hard ballons.”

“Oh, Wendy said it again! And N.K. is calling her fake again!”

“Leo, I will flick your forehead harder, next time, maybe then your synapses will actually work probably and you don’t pull and think shit like this!”

“Now, now N.K. I won’t tolerate any threat of physical harm, mkay?”

“It’s just a flick. Any other boy would taste my fists.”

“Can’t you just hit him? Maybe it will do him good.”

“Enough, girls!”

Mr. Mackey hits them with a fist on the table.

I can see how Wendy frowns like me.

“Now, Wendy and N.K. Kim might be, uh, full-figured, and had some operations but a woman's outward appearance isn't all that matters, mkay?! Have you stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, you're jel?”

Okay, I can’t help it I laugh so hard and loud that I nearly fall from my chair.

“Me? Jealouys? Hahahahahah! That’s the best joke over! I know I’m a hot piece of ass in my age group and I fucking love the way I look. Hahahahaha! Me jealous of someone so fake like Kim Kardashian? Oh my god, I can’t! Hahahahahahaha!”

I wipe away my laughing tears, while all stare at me.

“What?”, I wonder. “Never meet a pre-teen with sane self-love? Oh sorry right of course not because the damn patriarchy wants us to be insecure about anything so we don’t rise up against it as we should be.”

“Mmkay…”

“Big sis…”

“I’m with N.K. I'm not "jel", and I happen to be the biggest feminist at this school! Or the second one as it seems. You are like a real-life Amazone.”, compliments me, Wendy.

I side-eye her.

“You could learn some more things about Feminism, young Padawan. The girl I met last week, hunted down, as you said, a two-faced manipulative bitch and didn’t want to be labeled as slut if she was seen at Unplanned Parenthood.”

At least she blushes in shame, playing with her fingers.

Mr. Mackey is back on track after my declaration made him probably regret having me here: “Uh that may be true, but there is a very fine line, Wendy, between being a feminist and being a hater, mkay? And you're gonna have to find that line because nobody likes a girl who's jelly!”

“Why aren’t you saying this to N.K. too?”

“Believe me Wendy someone who laughs like that and says what she said so death seriously, isn’t jelly. That’s the epitome of self-confidence.”

“Wasn’t always this way.”, I need to tell Wendy this. Hey, if I can turn another girl into a real Feminist then we can overthrow the patriarchy. “I worked years on it and did some stupid shit too. But since I’m Bi I found a lot of amazing friends in the LGBTQ+ community who helped find me and love me for who I am.”

Wendy nods slowly, but in aww.

“Are we done here, Mr. Mackey? I need to return to Math class, we are getting back our test soon.”

“…. All right, go along kids, but think about my words, mkay.”

Yeah, like I will actually do this.

Tzz.

The school day is finally over and Tammy and I make our way home.

I have my Math test in my hand, glaring at it.

“If you keep staring, you might set it on fire.”, sasses Tammy.

“That stupid D needs to burn like the Dick it is!”, I counter.

“N.K., Tammy, wait!”, calls for us Wendy.

Surprised we stop and wait that the younger girl reaches us.

“Hello Wendy, what’s up?”, greets Tammy.

“I just want to say…N.K. you were really cool earlier at Mackey office. You have so much self-confidence it’s admiring.”

“Like I said worked hard on it.”, I repeat.

She nods, seeming a bit nervous.

Mmh, I think I know what she wants.

I give Tammy a look and she nods. She understood too.

“Wanna hang out with us Wendy?”, I ask her. “We can do homework together and after that watch a movie.”

The black-haired girl smiles brightly like the sun.

“Oh, that would be wonderful.”

So we three make our way to my home.

“…And that’s why Boruto sucks ass and anyone who says otherwise can suck my dick!”, I end my rant.

I’m sitting with Tammy and Wendy in my room. We had a really fun afternoon.

Together we helped each other with homework and then we just started talking.

Since I have so much anime merchandise in my room Wendy got curious. I explained what anime they were, what the story is, and all that.

Somehow we ended up talking about Boruto, this underserving sequel to the masterpiece of Naruto.

“Sis, but Himawari is queen.”, reminds Tammy.

“Himawari is the only light in whatever Boruto is.”, I agree.

Wendy is holding the only copy of Boruto I have in her hands, looking trough it.

“From what you told me about Naruto it didn’t handle a lot of things god either, but a 13-year-old girl dressed like this…what’s her name again?”

“Sarada.”

“Sarada, right. Is really not okay. They turn a child into a sex fantasy.”

“Reminds me when this whole Stupid Spoiled Whore bullshit that Paris Hilton had started.”, I tell them. “God! I hated it so much. I’m all for women can wear what they want, but little girls should be little girls and not sex symbols. Also, men should be banned forever from designing woman character and their clothes because they will ALWAYS sex it up somehow.”

“And if the Bi girl who read Yuri says this, then it’s legit.”, can’t Tammy help herself.

“Hey! That’s my internal battle the feminist and the thirsty hoe inside me!”

“Is it really so hard?”, wonders Wendy.

I nod.

“Well yeah, one part of me is always like damn, naked woman or sexy skinny clothes me like, but the other screams in outrage.”

We discuss this hours later, till it’s time that Wendy and Tammy to go home.

It’s nice that Wendy has become our friend. I have a feeling with the right example she will be an awesome feminist and don’t fall into the patriarchy mindset she had going on during the Stick of Truth.

I go to bed with a satisfied smile.

My school day was going pretty boring till Wendy catches me at lunchtime.

“Hold on a minute. You are saying you wanted to show Leo how Photoshop works on the girl he didn’t want, that backfired so hard, that he send her Photoshop photo to everyone in school, and wanted to date her, but Clyde is going out now with her. Then you get sent again to Mackey office because you tried to explain to Stan and Jimmy that the photo is just a fake and the real deal doesn’t look like this.”, I repeat what she told me.

Tammy can just roll her eyes.

“That’s South Park for you sis, it always goes a fucked up way.”

“N.K., what should I do? I mean, can we do something about this? This can’t escalate.”, declares Wendy.

I rub my head, thinking.

“For now you have your cheer performance I will think of something.”

The cheer performance of the fourth graders is an eye-opener. I just sit there with Tammy not believing what I see. This Lisa Berger or more her Fake-Photo is the newest hot shit that she even gives out autographs.

But it gets better as Wendy tells me later that her friends wanted her to Photoshop their photos too. Of course, she didn’t do it!

Didn’t stop that next day at school it’s swarmed with photoshopped pictures of nearly all girls.

And all the boys, even my two crushes, act like the horny horndogs they are.

Tammy holds me back before I started swinging. She said that wouldn’t help our situation and we better talk with Wendy.

Well, we found her with Stan, yelling at him for his imperfection and then randomly pointing them out on other people.

No surprise she got sent to Mr. Mackey again.

We catch her after school.

She looks ready to go to war.

I ask her what she is planning. Wendy wants to go to the news and try to get Photoshop photos to be marked as what they are fake.

I have a bad feeling about that.

So I tell her to wait till I come up with a plan, but Wendy isn’t ready to stop.

Tammy and I can only watch how in the Morning News Wendy gets labeled as a hater and not taken seriously.

Okay, this has to end now!

I never thought I would use my powers for this…but what use have them if I don’t use them for the good?

Tammy and I catch Wendy the next day in the computer lab, ready to edit her photo.

“Wendy, don’t do it!”, I shout. “Stop!”

“Why? Why should I stop?”, she cries. “I thought you would help me, but I fought all alone and now I can’t anymore.”

“That’s not true Wendy. Me and N.K. worked on something.”, disagrees Tammy.

Wendy wipes away a tear.

“Oh really on what?”

“Didn’t you check Twitter, do it now.”

Confused she does as I say. Her chin meets the floor as she sees it.

“W-What is this?!”

“This is #NaturelBeauty and #DownWithPhotoshop.”, I explain. “I made beside my Facebook profile, Twitter, Instagram, Youtube, Tumblr, and TikTok accounts just to spread this message. I’m totally using my powers for this, but it’s for a good cause.”

In disbelief, Wendy sees the growing number of retweets.

“Over 3 billion retweets already and all countries in the world want to actually make a law that will label Photoshops photos as what they are? Fake?”

Slowly she turns around and looks at me with wide eyes.

“What kind of power do you possess N.K.? This…this is unbelievable! You changed the mind of people with two hashtags.”

I can’t help but flex a little. I put on some cool shades, get my phone out and show her how many followers I have on social media.

“It’s a social media power. I make friends and followers faster than anyone else on Earth. So I used it to spread our right agenda.”

“Come and look at this Wendy!”, says Tammy waving her over.

We three step out of the Computer Lab.

All around as kids and teachers talk about my two Hashtags, how woke and progressive they are. That they agree with the message of it.

They celebrate their imperfection.

The Photoshop photos get deleted or ripped apart.

Wendy is now full-on crying.

But these are tears of joy.

She formally jumps into my arms.

“Thank you!”, she cries hard. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

I hug her back and Tammy joins our hug.

I have a feeling this is the start of a fantastic girl trio!

Next

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[thegravityblog]

Tuesday: Therapy, Meeting a beautiful woman.

Another banger day. It was session 3 today, we discussed about my well-being and things that are needed to be changed, self-care and being unbothered by things that used to bother me once. I left trying to be concerned about someone who simply just doesn’t deserve it. My values and principles are different. You cannot and shouldn’t be concerned for a monkey who’s not your level. Pre-requisites are really very important. The last thing I would ever do now is to be with a woman who doesn’t have any class, character, integrity and moral values. You cannot form anything meaningful who can even become a pornstar, just for money and validation. So hungry for validation that now, being nude to the world can feed that validation. That woman is broken, I tried a lot but in the quest of caring for that monkey, I almost lost myself. Lesson leaned. Moved on. Nothing to do with such a person, she’s like fuck me, but favor me. That’s not my type. I won’t even consider fucking her, Idk what STD she is carrying around. Lol. Okay, I am not gonna contaminate my blog mentioning her, she don’t deserve even a mention. So let’s just stop here. Had Sphagetti bolognaise (chicken) and Iced Mocha Latte. Loved it, CBTL was my go to when I used to visit New Delhi, after Starbucks.  Then as an activity to make someone’s day happy and better, we went to sector 35, bought a couple of white and yellow roses and went to sector 17 where I had to buy the book by Peter Lynch - Beating the Market. There I saw a lovely lady, enjoying her ice-cream under a tree, I went to her like a gentleman, and gave her the roses. At first she was awestruck, and said “Is this a prank?” I assured her no, it isn’t and then she insisted me to sit and we spoke about each other. She introduced herself, and I myself. She said “What makes you making my day great, as an entrepreneur?, Why are you doing it?”, and I told her its just a gesture that I made someone happy. She was definitely happy. She is a professor, lecturer at JNU, Delhi. After a 10 min convo, I left, she didn’t want me to leave, idk why but I had to. I wasn’t looking for a connection, but just making her smile. Beautiful moment. She smiled huge and when I got up, I said “Please look around, there’s no camera around”. We both laughed and I left.  Drove back home, and now I am listening to the Valuetainment’s latest podcast episode with Andrew Tate and working alongside. Had a blast, today. Happy! So fucking happy! Next milestone after absolute healing is dating someone of my level. It sounds harsh, but that’s the reality of the world. I used to date people from a lower socio-economic background, but I had horrible experiences. They are all for money and especially chicks who are insecure inside, and need cocks from everyone around them. Just favor them. I have built a level of resilience where I see her hanging on to a guy, and I am like, what sort of a person is this? :D Anyone. Like literally anyone, just enable her and give her the approval. It has stopped affecting me completely. Thank god, the dirt got out herself. Now, I know, I’ll be with someone who respects themselves first, because these daddy issue chicks will be always broken and insecure. You can’t help them. So, finding someone who knows their shit, has it together and has a class. The right one! Not someone who will suck any dick, to compensate for their inner trauma’s. I am strong enough and I have proved that to myself by not just sleeping with any class less pussy. Found myself out of this experience and there’s no point in desiring someone who can’t even offer you the bare minimum. That’s all! 

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

my mom still doesnt get that her forcing me to believe in god rn is making shit worse. i told her that the problems is her forcing me all the time to pray and become religious when in fact it just reminds me of before and is triggering me. she wont fucking understand that ill deal with religion once ive finished fixing my shit up. yk what she said to me? she said she's not gonna stop forcing me to become a christian cause she firmly believes its the only way to fix me. see? shes so closed minded and then expects me to become better. why not try listening to my reason that her forcing me to become religious just fucks me up even more? like bro ill be a christian when i want to but not now okay? cant she fucking understand that?

she kept forcing me to tell her what i hate sm about her cause she wants to be a better mom, and when i finally said its because of her forcing me to be religious, she says right into my face without any intentions of listening to my reasons that she wont stop it. she said shes gonna stop for a while, but once im mentally stable after therapy, she's gonna force me again. i cant with her anymore. i bet shes gonna go crying and controlling me if ever i become an atheist or maybe a different religion cause shes so obsessed with me getting saved and for me to go to heaven cause she loves me.

and you wanna know whats worse? i cant leave this house til i get a job cause i dont wanna starve either and i dont know a single shit on how to live and feed myself. i cant even cross the streets or buy things by myself cause she has always been gatekeeping me.

and then earlier she vents right into my face again that she's sorry she couldnt raise me like a great mom would. shes sorry that she couldnt support me. shes sorry cause she said her parents didnt give her any of those too. now im guilt tripped again and im supposed to feel sorry for her and understand her again? im supposed to suck it up one more time and get traumatized even further cause my parents are mentally unstable? am i supposed to pretend to do what she wants again just so i can escape from her nagging all the time? like she wont stop unless i do what she wants. but i cant leave this house either cause how the hell am i gonna eat? where am i gonna sleep?

she said shes gonna give me a link to a therapist that she might give me to, but at this state?? i dont actually know... my dads already closed himself off from us and theyre fighting bc of money again. its impossible that my dad would even be giving us something to pay for my therapy, so im not gonna get my hopes up.

and also whenever my mom argues with my dad, she doesnt shut up about god either. i kinda understand my dad why he just shuts himself off cause my mom's too close minded. my dads got issues too, like alot. but my moms just not someone you should really be arguing with cause she doesnt really stop talking about god.

when i tried confronting her that she's the problem and that her not shutting up about god was the thing making me feel worse, she said i was disrespecting god. see? i hate it so much honestly.

i dont wanna hear anymore of her and i dont want her trying to help me with this. its not helping i swear, but she insists and never gets tired of forcing god to me. i already told her im not ready to deal with that and asked her to stop. she said she'd temporarily stop and i hate it. she has no plans of stopping it.

im really just so sick of me being the bad example every bible study they do. im sick of them telling me my life was fucked up cause i never prayed. im sick of them. and i dont wanna hear anything about the bible anymore til ive recovered cause it just reminds me every time that my family sees me as some kind of demon. they see my rage as a symbol that the devil has control of me. its so fucking annoying. it was originally grief that i couldnt let out cause my mom shuts me up every time i break down. she forced me to suck up and not cry, so i ended up turning my sadness into this uncontrollable rage. this rage of mine was built up and was in me for years BECAUSE OF HER. AND NOW SHE TELLS ME THAT IF I DONT LET GO OF THAT RAGE IT WILL RUIN ME? WHO THE FUCK WAS THE REASON I GOT THIS RAGE HUH?

she said shes aware she was a bad parent before but shes asking for a second chance. she said i shouldnt shut myself off from her just because of what happened. actually she said she'd understand it that ill never forgive her, but it would be alot better for both of us if i wouldnt be so scared of fixing this with her...

that actually made me kinda regret what i did to you. yeah i was hurt a lot but by cutting you off from my life just made me more miserable, which wouldnt have happened if i tried fixing it with you. if i didnt shut you off and gave you a chance to fix it, then i wouldnt be drowning in my own sadness. im sorry if this is annoying cause i always dont know how to deal with my problems. im sorry if im still so conflicted right now and asking if i can come back to you when youve already let go and ive already hurt you by saying that im leaving. im really sorry for asking this but if you'd ever read this i wish i can come back. i wont forget that youve hurt me and broke my trust, but mistakes happen. i shouldnt be too sensitive and closing myself every time something happens. i know its too late but if it would really be fine if i come back...