#it's giving crippling codependency and I NEED it RIGHT NOW

[youwontleaveright]

Yandere with a Darling who not only knows Yan will kill (and probably has killed) for them, but who loves Yan for it

Darling who is willing to join their Yan in "removing problems"

Darling who makes their first kill under the careful watch of their Yan, who's beaming with pride at how precious their Darling is

Yandere who notices that people (those who'd shown a little too much interest in him) begin to just. Disappear

Yandere who feels a thrill when he realizes his Darling must be watching him just as much as he is them

Darling who turns out to be a little bit of a Yandere themselves

[leclerc-s]

track 001. right where you left me

─── ❝ break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it ❞ ───

series masterlist // next

liked by louis_graham, isabellaperez, babs.rodriguez and others

dulceperez it's hell week and i'm struggling to cope

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isabellaperez never have i ever been more grateful for online school

↳ dulceperez we get it you travel for funsies and i get stuck with crippling student dept.

↳ isabellaperez what fucking debt? tio checo said he'd pay for your schooling!

↳ dulceperez alright then, i get the crippling student anxiety.

maejones you got this baby!

↳ dulceperez i really don’t! tell max to send the red bull i’m going to need it, i know you two are still besties!!

↳ maxverstappen1 did checo cut you off again?

↳ dulceperez YES!! SEND HELP!! SOS!!

louis_graham still can’t get over the fact that you know f1 drivers.

↳ dulceperez my uncle is an f1 driver?

↳ babs.rodriguez forget it lou, she won’t understand. she probably grew up around michael schumacher or something.

↳ isabellaperez well, you’re not wrong

mickschumacher if you die can i keep your couch?

↳ dulceperez what the fuck schumacher?

↳ mickschumacher it’s a very comfortable couch.

↳ freyavettel he’s right, it’s very comfortable. i’ve had some great fucking naps on it.

louis graham so the f1 drivers in your comments are just normal?

dulce perez pretty much, yeah

dulce perez we live in monaco, you're telling me you've never ran into like lewis or charles? hell nico lives in monaco.

barbara rodriguez never. louis graham nope.

dulce perez huh, it's not like monaco's that big. i run into my ex all the time. granted he's like best friends with my sister.

barbara rodriguez who the fuck is your ex? and why is your sister best friends with him? dulce perez because she can be? i'm not going to tell her "oh no isa, you can't be friends with arthur because we broke up." dulce perez they were friends way before we dated.

louis graham so his name is arthur? interesting, one look at your sister's instagram tells me that you dated the one and only arthur leclerc.

barbara rodriguez a leclerc? you dated a leclerc? and you let him get away?

dulce perez look, he was busy with racing and i was busy with school. it wasn't going to work out between us so we just broke up.

louis graham interesting how you two still follow each other.

dulce perez we're still friends. that wasn't going to change because we dated.

barbara rodriguez 9 times out of 10, people fall in love all over again.

dulce perez not me. i won't.

dulceperez posted new stories

low quality picture, high quality girl or some fucking corny shit like that. who the fuck gave this guy alcohol?

arthur leclerc does she have a boyfriend? who is he?

mae jones what is this nerd going on about?

isabella perez is this about my sister?

arthur leclerc forget i asked. isabella perez so it is about my sister.

mick schumacher is this about the guy on her story?

isabella perez that's just louis. one of her roomates. remember arthur? they became friends when she started school. arthur leclerc oh. yes. i remember.

freya vettel oh he's totally still in love with her.

lando norris honestly arthur just tell her. get it over with.

bailey winters i doubt you should be giving people advice.

lando norris oh seriously! we get it, i fucked up! isabella perez oh you royally fucked up norris.

lando norris oh be quiet isabella, how many times have you broken up with austin by now?

isabella perez my relationship has nothing to do with this! focus on arthur and my sister!

mick schumacher i can't believe i'm saying this, but how are freya and i the only ones that are mentally healthy??

isabella perez because arthur is stupid. mae is in denial about her feelings. i'm codependent. lando is a dumbass. bailey is collateral damage to lando's dumbassery. AND YOU'RE IN FUCKING DENIAL!! SO IS FREYA!!

freya vettel wow. can't wait for the day all of you are mentally healthy and in healthy relationships.

mae jones at this rate isabella's doomed to divorcing and remarrying austin like 7 times. isabella perez literally fuck you. stop writing songs about max!

bailey winters you're all insane.

arthur leclerc you are too bailey.

mae jones don't worry arthur. i know how to figure out if you'll be seeing her soon arthur leclerc oh no. that's not good.

mae jones odds of seeing dulce at the monaco gp this year?

dulce perez that depends am i allowed to take my emotional support idiots? isabella perez i thought i was your emotional support idiot? max verstappen ooh she's been replaced.

esteban ocon i think we're better off asking what are the odds charles finishes the race.

charles leclerc this is why you've never won a race bitch.

daniel ricciardo who the fuck are her emotional support idiots?

dulce perez my roomates

lando norris BOOO!! WE'RE YOUR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT IDIOTS!!

lewis hamilton you may be an idiot but i am not.

mae jones we're her emotional support chaos gremlins natalia ruiz that makes more sense.

max verstappen you should ask checo if you can bring your friends, not us.

dulce perez i did. he said yes. see all of you back in monaco. dulce perez i just have to ask them.

dulce perez thoughts on attending the monaco grand prix?

barbara rodriguez on my bucket list but currently too broke.

louis graham also on my bucket list but without means of going.

dulce perez i feel like we're forgetting that my uncle is literally an f1 driver??

louis graham SHUT THE FUCK UP!! TELL ME YOU DIDN'T?!! barbara rodriguez NO FUCKING WAY!! I KNEW GOING TO SCHOOL IN MONACO WOULD PAY OFF!!

dulce perez wow. way to use me.

louis graham listen, we love you. you're great. but attending the monaco grand prix is such a dream.

barbara rodriguez I GET TO MEET SIR LEWIS HAMILTON!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME!!

dulce perez we're going to support red bull not mercedes.

barbara rodriguez yeah but red bull doesn't have lewis hamilton does it?

louis graham personally, i will be supporting aston martin. wherever sebastian vettel is that is where i am.

dulce perez traitors both of you.

barbara rodriguez ARTHUR IS LITERALLY A FERRARI ACADEMY DRIVER! SHUT UP! YOU'RE THE BIGGEST TRAITOR OF ALL!!

dulce perez WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU THAT?

louis graham we went stalker mode. we had to find out everything about leclerc.

barbara rodriguez he's a cutie. why the hell did you dump him?

dulce perez we are not talking about this.

louis graham BOOO!! AS THE CHILDREN SAY, SPILL THE TEA SIS!!

dulce perez no!

babs.rodriguez, louis_graham, dulceperez posted new stories

who let me be here?? where is lewis hamilton??

holy shit!!

VAMOS TIO CHECO!!

pierre gasly soo...dulce

dulce perez before you ask no. pierre gasly like not even a little bit?

rowan todd why must you ask this, you idiot?

pierre gasly i'm an instigator

dulce perez the answer is no because he has a girlfriend, you moron.

charles leclerc but if he didn't have a girlfriend?

dulce perez you too?

charles leclerc ANSWER THE QUESTION PEREZ!

dulce perez no. not my type.

isabella perez ARTHUR! WHO WAS THE CUTE GUY ON THE PODIUM?! THE PREMA GUY!!

max verstappen SHE'S GOT A CRUSH! arthur leclerc oscar? isabella perez brb gonna go stalk his instagram.

freya vettel anyone is better than a*stin

arthur leclerc trust me when i say he's 100 times better than that guy.

mae jones WAIT! WHO'S YOUR TYPE DULCE??!

natalia ruiz perhaps monégasque? rhymes with shmarthur? dulce perez you people are insufferable. daniel ricciardo THAT WASN'T A NO!

mick schumacher arthur just probably let out the biggest sigh of his life.

arthur leclerc at least i'm not in denial about my feelings. mick schumacher HEY! WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT ME! AND YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH LECLERC!!

sebastian vettel i should consider retirement. that would mean i wouldn't have to deal with this.

fernando alonso i retired and they didn't let me leave. there is no hope for us.

lewis hamilton i told you that your biggest mistake would be showing weakness to max.

max verstappen YOU'RE THE ONE WHO COMFORTED ME FIRST! NOT SEB! lewis hamilton oh sure, i was just supposed to leave a kid out, crying in the rain because his girlfriend had just broken up with him? mae jones sorry, what?

daphne jones idiots, all of you

esteban ocon how's that hidden relationship going for you daphne? daniel ricciardo it's not our fault they haven't figured it out yet, now is it? lewis hamilton and i'm currently in the lead to win this bet so zip it ocon.

isabella perez GUYS! CUTE PREMA GUY IS SINGLE!!

lance stroll at least one thing is still normal around here.

taglist: @burningcupcakefire @arkhammaid @sunflower-golden-vol6 @applopie @lorarri @mypage-myfandoms @bb-swift @thewannabewriter @you-bleed-just-toknowyouarealive @stopeatread @hobiismyhopeu @lilsiz @alessioayla @niniluvsainz @au-ghosttype @cowboylikemets1989 @justtprachisblog @rmeddar123 @nichmeddar @landonorizzz @unluckyyoshi @Mimolovescookies @brekkers-whore @natcha888 @camdensreg @mycenterfold @dear-fifi @prongsvault @kaa212 @anxxiousaries @julesbabey1 @julesbabey @georgeparisole @Smnthnclj @dan3avocado @melissayalene @nothanqks @nikfigueiredo @bella-1 @namgification @jensonsonlybutton @chezmardybum @d3kstar @weekendlusting @anytimeanywherebitchblog @ragioniera @burberryfilms @trouble-sistar @lesliiieeeee @leclercsluv @33-81 @theseus-jpg @lorenaskaspersen @sarah-thatstings-ann @My-fangirling-outlet

strikethrough means i couldn't tag you

click here to be added to the honest series taglist

¡leclerc-s speaks! and thus it begins! okay, listen, i love ross, for story purposes he younger than he actually is. idc what anyone says. i don't if i like this 100% but i'm still posting it.

¡disclaimer! this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!

[anotherbluesunday]

✨WIP Tag Game✨

I’m definitely checking you’re fic out @michiganstray because you got me hooked! Thank you for tagging me too! I’m super excited to share this teaser with everyone. 💜💜💜

Alrighty, first Tag Game of the new year and y’all picked a good time because I’m writing the epic close to my ficlet Myth. Like I’ve said before, this story was inspired by a string of prompts, the rain, and a song. The final chapter name “Myth” captures all the more intense lyrics of the Beach House song, namely these six lines: “If you built yourself a myth, you’d know just what to give?”, “Can’t keep hanging on, to what is dead and gone.”, and “Materialize, or let the ashes fly!” I don’t want to give away too much. I want this final chapter to be emotionally and mentally cathartic for all who read it because the goal is to make you feel. What that means to you is up to you and your heart. But I want it to be something that leaves you all feeling your humanness pulsing through you like a current.

.

.

Now, here’s the snippet.

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I didn't want to remember but I would and this alone felt like a death sentence.

So I kept it to myself. Fell in this spiral that was less like a swan dive and more like the aftermath of a mid-air collision. I gave Wednesday bits here and there to keep her floating in calm waters because she had no place navigating this wasteland with me. It was dishonest especially considering how we had promised to always tell each other when something was wrong. But this was where I drew the line. If what I thought had happened was what had actually happened to me then there wasn't any way I could tell her. Not entirely. And even if entirely, not right now. Not while she had millions of other things stacking up on her plate that was already full.

Staring at the wall a moment longer, I could almost make out the form of another. The shape of my tormentor. My accuser. My devil in white. I distinctly remember the color and it being draped in some way on them because it made their red hair stand out. Red hair and red nails. Slowly, this creature was coming out from the shadowed rafters like a reaper and I was lying there in wait as if I were set to die that afternoon. But it wouldn't come and drag me by the throat to my grave just yet. There was too much of this show left for it to do that.

Another minute turned into two turned into thirty until I made myself get up.

Stomach growling and skin and bones feeling particularly exposed to this crippling sense of humanness, I washed up first. Begrudgingly stood under the hot water and rinsed off the perfect combination of Wednesday's sweat and faint traces of her rose body oil. My therapist was quick to warn me of the road this relationship could travel down during our session yesterday. Said that for now it sounded healthy and supportive but that it could devolve into a codependency if we weren't careful. And I understood where Dr. Kinbott was coming from. Could see where there may be mild concern with a watchful eye waiting for the first signs of smoke. But Wednesday and I were conscious of this too.

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Okay, I’m tagging both writers and artists because I want to see some gifsets that are WIP’s or hear what ideas they got for upcoming ones so yeah. lol.

I’m tagging @tastethesetears @remusjohnslupin @mistressvera @wednesdayandherhyde @michiganstray (in the words of Kylo Ren, MORE!) @darling-gemini @broken-everlark @gardenoblues @thelovelybookworm (because I also need more of what you’re cooking)

Happy writing/giffing and tag away!

[doxolove]

I guess I do one of these every year on Tumblr since it's okay to yap behind a read more, but here's a review of my 2023. (tw: mental health, death mention)

I honestly don't know where this year went. I spent a good portion of it in crippling mental pain which was a wakeup call in a lot of ways. I went to therapy, I was serious about a self-help journey and freed myself from a tremendous amount of negativity. I learned to put value into my own needs, which has been a new concept as a whole. Codependency was ruining my life and it fucked up it's good share of connections along the way– I was finally sick of it.

I lost a lot of connections and people in my life, circumstantial or not. My grandmother also passed away and it brought in a whole new avenue to grieve. It's never been easy to say goodbye to people, I've let too many in the past long live their stay. I let people I was convinced cared for me unconditionally walk all over me on purpose. I gave too much of myself willingly to any and everyone I have met–

And now I'm finally feeling those repercussions. I'm mentally checked out more than ever, I can't focus on one thing for too long. I had to stop taking artwork commissions, I'm deeply struggling with my craft. I am incapable of letting someone in too close or even give them the appropriate energy, I'm overwhelmed with a lingering trauma I wish would go away already.

Even through all of that, I'm allowing myself to feel disappointed in others. The lack of communication is astounding me, how anyone would just let a decade+ friendship end because they couldn't conjure the strength to talk to me– or outside input influenced them, I just don't know. I'm disappointed in the people I had what seemed like healthy and chill relationships with just die because there was no urge to communicate (or again, most likely influenced)... It's just really upsetting. I don't know what made someone that assured me they had no issues with me start being a toxic asshole any time I was matched against them in pvp? It's all baffling. I wish it was easier to just ask what went wrong -- but I know sometimes it's nothing particularly logical. It just happens.

They all still haunt me, but I have learned most people don't actually want lasting or meaningful relationships and it was hard to come to terms with that. My science and fact-driven mind always wants to know why– but sometimes (most of the time) I'll never get to know that answer.

I still feel really broken, I'm not going to lie. I don't know how long I'm going to feel like this– but I've gained a newer appreciation for the people that are still in my life and understand that my social battery has deteriorated. I'm still learning how much energy to give to new people, but I am tired of being afraid to be social. The right ones are out there and it's not fair I rob myself of the chance of meeting more.

In summary, be kind to yourself going into 2024. You can try as many times as you need to, just go at your own pace. Surround yourself with individuals who reciprocate, communicate often. Not everything works out, and that's fine. I can only hope this next fever dream of a year will be a little better.

[toinfinitywinning]

Yes a Dog Post.

Currently he’s snoring—loudly. God Love him. A few words. Your kids don’t have to be homosapians. He’s a mammal.

Happy 12th born Day, Andy! 3/1/212. For the 2nd time. ✔ my math or I’ll just have AI do all my hw assignments. Finally found his adoption papers frm Lex Humane Shelter or Society—can’t remember exactly but either place it was full of dogs…if we’re talking positives we’ve gotten just crazy close. In fact sometimes he gets closer than I’d like. Like a Heeler trait, RIP Jessie. He old man grunts when I nudge him to pls give me some space on my full not Q sized bed w/ a 60lb Dog thinking he’s a kitten when I need to stretch my bad knee. I politely remind him it’s actually my bed & he has 12. But truly he’s had 2b so patient & extra empathetic. Like innate endorphins. I’d never fully seen this intense loyalty Velcro-y type behavior. B/c of this, I half taught 50% him how to open and shut cracked doors w/ His nose. This was well beyond his Lane 2 years ago but there have been times when he’s already eaten & watered & been out when he starts buckin’ around & I’m like ur gon have 2 figure it out I can’t get up.

learned 2 shake w/ with his L hand. learned new words & phrases like “stay” & “let me see your dirty toes”, “Gentry has some meds let me see ur eyeball (Allergies)”, “Andy—did u scratch all my pillows onto the ground?” (only does this when I’ve Left the bldg, pipes up an attitude & surrounds himself w/ my pillows pushing them away)?”, “u need 2 wait I came to the kitchen for me”, “Gramma & Pop are here get in the car”, “gentry’s sick right now”, “I do not feel comfortable you following me so closely so you Go”, “ok that’s enough Stop sniffing, Stop”, “ok now you don’t get a biscuit every time you Go to the bathroom.” I must have really confused him. also an attitude if I smell like mi casita & don’t present him w/ a tortilla.

I’d never given him the credit but he is not as semi-impaired I once thought he might b-just crippled w/Anxiety like his Mom time 2 time. I read when dogs make eye contact w/ u & hold it that shows the deepest level of Love. He sees Right through me & he knows something hasn’t been Right. He’s been an Angel. the reason I’m somewhat not 100% lifeless b/c he still needs 2 Exercise 2. @ this point idk whose level of codependency is more tragic.

Someday maybe the excess pandemic 4 me will End only if he promises me he won’t. Every1 always says they have the best Mom, Dad or Dog. Well I actually do so let me win this 1. ღ this sweet Boy. He trusts me so much more. Go hug a loved 1 something. Never kno when ur Life & sanity might depend on their presence and affection. Dogs are so much better than humans most days.

a’ight 10% battery warning & UK plays @ 1:30 lay back down. Gosh I ღ this kid.

[cbs-scorpion-coffee-shop]

Since nobody in this fandom seems to be asking this question, i will.

Why do you all hate Walter?

The entire fandom sympathises with Toby, Happy and Sylvester when they show their flaws by saying they're messed up, but not with Walter who is the most messed up character in this show. Let me tell you how messed up this man is.

His childhood:

He lives in Ireland with a family of farmers who wouldn't know what genius is. They treat him like an outcast, like the family problem because he's different, especially his parents. In S4E20 "Foul Balls" Walter was willing to lose Scorpion just for the sake of not embarrasing Cabe. Turns out his father never encouraged him or supported him. And when he tried to play football to get his father's approval and failed. His father looked away from him in embarrasment as he was laughed at by the crowds. How devestating do you think that was for his mental health? In the Ireland episode in S3 "Sly and the family stone" you could see the blatant discrimination between him and Sylvester. Just how fucked up do you think it was for Walter to see that they love Sylvester more than him? To find out that the reason they didn't love him wasn't because he was a genius, but just because they thought something was wrong with him. Plus bullying in school and beatings by teachers that can't stand having a student smarter than them. His only ally in the world was Megan. That's why he loved her so much. Then Megan, the only ally he has develops MS. And throughout it all he wasn't given the love and affection he needed to learn from his mistakes like Ralph was. Whenever he made a mistake he was scoffed at by his parents and told to do better, but not taught how as he was different. They gave up on him. No matter how hard he tried to get them to understand, to get their approval he failed. Then enter Cabe Gallo. A new person who he could connect with. An ally other than Megan. He encourages him to pursue his talents, teaches him a lot of things and overall becomes the dad figure Walter never had. Then 5 years later, just a normal day doing science projects to help his dad figure. He opens the tv and sees thousands being bombed into oblivion, the blood, the flying bodies, the screaming women, the crying children, the collapsing buildings, all with something he made with his own hands. Cabe betrayed him in the cruellest way possible. Now this would be devestating for any normal adult. But remember, this is a 16 year-old who has lived most of his childhood not being given the love or attention he deserves and needs to develop emotionally. So just imagine the agony he's going through at this point, and the treatment he got from his family afterwards. Walter not being able to take the crippling guilt and treatment of his family decides to leave ireland and go to America, To Megan who was being hospitalized there. And start a new life there training himself to not have any feelings so that he wouldn't have to feel the guilt.

His adolecence:

So right now this is a 16 year-old who is

-Physically weak

-Mentally traumatized

-Emotionally scarred

-Codependant (meaning that he always feels like everything is fault, his self worth comes from how much he gives to others, he puts a bin on his own feelings)

-Comes from a farm in a foreign country

-Has near zero EQ or social skills

-Cripplingly low self-esteem buried under a god-complex

-Didn't go to a college

-Has no one by his side other than an ill, hospitalized sister who needs crutches to walk.

And he has to make it on his own on the streets of America in the 90's.

Just try to imagine the kind of life he had. Being yelled at by everybody because of his lack of EQ. And not knowing what he did wrong because no one was willing to try with him. Going from job to job and clawing his way up in the world while taking care of Megan. And learning medicine to engage constructively in her doctors' discussions, and paying for a part of her hospitalization and doing research to save her. And all that while still being the traumatized 16 year-old he is inside, desperately training himself to not feel and pretending he's a robot.

His adulthood:

Years later that 16 year-old has not only managed to survive, but to thrive. How? By working his ass off everyday, caring about "Efficiency" and "Business". That's right people. He's not obsessed with these things to be an asshole. He's obsessed with them because it's how he made it on his own. Then ten years after the baghdad incident he meets Toby, Happy and Sylvester. And the fandom treats them like they struggled the most. Toby gambled his way through school, went to college, learned, failed to fix his family, despaired and gambled even more. Until Walter found him. He didn't do anything with his life until Walter carried his ass on his back. Bailing him out everytime and never giving up on him. Happy yes struggled for a few years after getting out of the foster homes, but didn't get far. She still had to move from job to job, country to country. She barely survived. Her biggest achievement was having a multi-commercial license that she didn't even use because of her anger issues getting in her way. Her engineering skills didn't help either as she didn't go to college and no one would hire her. Until Walter met her. He hired her, tolerated her anger, brought out the best in her. Giving her stability and essentially carrying her on his back as well. Sylvester was literally a kid with nowhere to go. And he had suicidal tendancies as hinted by him in S1E10 "Talismans". And Walter as an analyst working for the bank found that kid, pretended the robbery never happened risking losing his job and going to jail, let him live with him until he was ready to live on his own (as there's no way he could survive on his own at this point), kept him from killing himself, brought out the best in him, raised his self esteem, taught him everything about being a genius, carried him on a pedstal, essentially like a big brother raising his baby brother. And after five more years of working his ass off, never giving up on them even though he had every chance to do so. After meeting Paige and Cabe, he finally made scorpion a success. He finally got those three across the water. Because if he had given up on them at any point, at any chance or any offer by a big company they would have gone back to their previous lives; Sylvester broke on the streets, Toby gambling or in prison or dead because of his illegal debts, Happy running around the world again struggling for a living and getting nowhere far. And after all he did for them they treated like crap in the show because he's different. They blamed him for everything even when it's not his fault, taking advantage of his codependancy and further cementing it. Sylvester goes behind his back over and over, from dating his sister behind his back to marrying her without his consent. Toby gives false and conflicting advice to make him fail on purpose. And Happy makes fun of him either for failing or succeeding in emotional matters. Just WTF.

So in the end of this post let me ask you as someone who watched the show.

Do you really blame Walter for turning out this messed up? And would you have not turned out the same as him?

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

Okay, so, I've been reading your TPWP fic for a while, and I rlly like it! But something has been bothering me

In one of your ending notes, you said that Mondo kinda knew Taka had a crush on him, and they already started the sexual stuff at that point

So, wouldn't that make it kind of manipulative? Because from basic logic, the more they do the sexual stuff, the more Taka will fall in love with him and want to be with Mondo, but Mondo didn't show any clear signs of it being mutual for Taka to see, which would only hurt Taka more... I might be exhagerating but that doesn't sound really healthy :/

Also, Mondo never really apologized for his behaviour, not a proper apology at least, one that Taka really deserved.

I still enjoy your fic a lot, don't get me wrong! But some of Mondo's actions and portrayels seem a bit off and not very healthy in a relationship, platonic or romantic...

(please don't get mad sorry :') have a good day!)

Hey! Thanks for the ask!! And don’t worry, I don’t mind answering questions, especially if it’s bothering you with the story! I completely understand what you mean, so let me try and explain it the best I can.

Just a warning, in order to discuss your problem, I had to go over some other things too, and it’s a bit long and rambling since I wasn’t entirely sure how to explain it all. Just letting you know. :-)

(Explanation under a read more to prevent spoilers for people who don’t want them. It also gets pretty long, since... duh, it's me, ha.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway. I’m going to first answer your not-quite-a question about if their relationship is healthy or not, since I think that’s a better to place to start than Mondo’s supposed manipulation. And as for if it is healthy or not, I will say that… no. No, it is not. Nothing about Taka and Mondo’s relationship is healthy, and I did that on purpose. But it’s not in the way I think y’all might be thinking.

See, Taka and Mondo are too codependent. They rely on one another a lot; constantly around the other, clinging to them and taking comfort from them, etc. And that’s not necessarily bad, right? It’s good to take strength from a partner or friend, and it’s good to lend your strength to them in return.

The problem that arises with Mondo and Taka is that they don’t ever talk about it. About their relationship or their anxiety/insecurity. They cling to the other, taking and giving strength, but they never try and work out what’s wrong. I’ve had Taka try many coping mechanisms in this story, right? Push it all down, allow himself to feel everything he’s feeling, live moment to moment, etc. etc. But I’m sure y’all noticed how none of them worked long term. And that was done by design.

See… Taka is going through a lot, you know? He’s dealing with his grief for his mother, he’s trying to come to terms with the abuse he dealt at the hands of his classmates (and it was abuse, okay? Bullying is abuse), not to mention his crippling loneliness and anxiety and the neglect from his father. But he never fully acknowledges any it. He pushes it all down, shoves it aside, and never looks at it. When he realized he was in love with Mondo, he did the exact same thing. Conceal, don’t feel, and all that jazz.

But, guys… that’s unhealthy. And it led Taka to cling to Mondo, to make him an emotional crutch, without ever questioning why he feels how he feels. And without talking to Mondo about it. This is unhealthy and no matter how well Taka seems to be doing, the only thing that will help him (and Mondo, since he has a similar problem)? Is to talk to Mondo about it. To acknowledge his problems, acknowledge his love, and confront it head on. Until he does that, he will always be miserable and he will be dependent on Mondo to make him feel even slightly okay, which is unfair to both of them.

Basically…they rely on one another too much and it’s bad for their relationship, either platonic or romantic. It’s unhealthy no matter what way you look at it. Again, it’s not bad to lean on a partner or a friend, but you need open communication to be able to do that without putting unnecessary strain on both yourself and your partner. However, this is something that can be fixed, so just because it’s unhealthy doesn’t mean their relationship is bad. They just need to learn how to communicate. Which (spoiler alert)…… they eventually do, ha.

(Just a warning, this next part goes into some minor spoilers for the next chapter, as well as TPWM. Mostly about Mondo’s headspace and things like that. Just a warning.)

Now, onto the manipulative part… see, while I can understand why you’d see it that way, I don’t for one main reason. And that reason is because Mondo is going through the exact same problems Taka is, but even worse somehow, because he refuses to take any strength from Taka. He thinks he must be strong at all hours, must be able to handle everything just fine on his own, but he honestly can’t. Not only is he going through his own problems and grief, but he’s also kind of going through Taka’s, too. He’s giving a lot of himself to Taka, being the pillar that Taka needs, but he’s not really getting any feedback in return. Like…

Okay. So, I mentioned that Mondo knows Taka likes him, right? And he does. Taka is kind of obvious about his feelings and Mondo is a perceptive person. But the thing is… Mondo doesn’t actually think the feelings are real. Or, more accurately… he doesn’t think they’d be real if Taka truly knew Mondo.

I’ve been trying to write about this for ages, because I know it’s not been portrayed all that well in TPWP, but Mondo, like… straight up hates himself in this story. And I mean he hates every single aspect of himself. He hates his anger, he hates his weakness… he even hates his kindness, not because he thinks kindness is weakness, but because he doesn’t think it’s real. Like… Mondo was abused in this story, right? He was abused and neglected, and that kind of alters a person’s view of the world. Yes, he had Daiya, but Daiya wasn’t exactly perfect himself. Not to mention he is currently dead, which also really negatively affected Mondo.

I go over this in TPWM a lot, but Mondo doesn’t think himself capable of being kind and gentle. He thinks all he’s good for is being cruel and violent. He wants to helps people, but he doesn’t know how to do it properly. So, instead, he helps by beating up would be rapists or muggers, by stealing from corrupt businesses and giving that stuff to those who need it, things like that. He wants to help people, but he thinks the only way he can do it is by being cruel and violent. He doesn’t think he’s capable of being kind.

He wants to be kind for Taka, though. He wants to be kind and gentle and soft and loving. He wants to be the kind of person that Taka could love and wants to be worthy of loving Taka in return. He wants it so, so bad.

But…

But he doesn’t think he can. He doesn’t think it’s something he can possibly be. All the kindness that we see him do with Taka? The way he soothes Taka and helps him with his problems? He doesn’t think it’s actually real. He thinks it’s an act. Something he’s doing for Taka’s benefit only. And oh, he wants it to be real, wants that so bad, but he can’t allow himself to think it’s real. Because, to him… he’s not allowed to be kind and soft and gentle. Those are things he can’t possibly feel. He’s not allowed.

He knows, objectively, that Taka loves him, but in Mondo’s mind, it’s not him Taka loves. It’s the act Mondo is putting on. It’s the fact Mondo was his first friend and was the first person to treat him kindly. It’s the fact that Taka is a wonderful person and can look passed the horrible things Mondo has done and even possibly see something of value in him. But Taka doesn’t actually love him. Taka can’t, because he doesn’t know who Mondo truly is. And if he did… well.

(Also, just a note, but he also doesn’t think it’s actually love. He’s thinks it’s more like… puppy love or a crush. Not the kind of love Taka actually feels. He doesn’t quite realize how deep Taka’s love runs, because he doesn’t think himself worthy of that love.)

Additionally, a big thing that I explore in TPWM is that Mondo is absolutely convinced that Taka will leave him one day. That Taka will realize that he’s too good for Mondo and will leave Mondo for better pastures, as it were. And Mondo… Mondo is okay with that. Don’t get me wrong, the thought it hurts him terribly and it breaks his heart, since he truly does love Taka, but he knows it’s for the better and that it’s what Taka needs. Taka could never achieve his goals if Mondo were beside him. Mondo knows this and he is willing to back down if that’s what Taka needs. He’s willing to be a stepping stone if it helps Taka advance.

And, as y’all can prolly tell, this isn’t healthy. At all. Mondo has put Taka on so high of a pedestal in his mind that Taka is almost godlike, with Mondo an unworthy worshiper on the ground. And that’s super unfair to both of them. Mondo lifts Taka up by putting himself down and it just furthers the divide between them.

But the reason why Mondo doesn’t leave Taka himself is because he wants to help Taka. He wants to get Taka to see how perfect he is, that his insecurities don’t matter. He wants to build Taka up and help him grow. He doesn’t know how, is struggling a lot, but he wants to help Taka if he possibly can.

And now, back to the manipulative thing, finally… with all of this in mind, I don’t think Mondo can really be seen as manipulative, you know? Because manipulation needs to be conscious. It has to be a person thinking “hm, I want something from this person and I’m going to do whatever I can to get it, even play with their emotions.” But that’s not what Mondo is doing. Not at all.

When Mondo does sexual things with Taka, it’s very complicated in Mondo’s mind. There’s a reason why he freaked out the first time they did it, and it was because he thought he took advantage of Taka. Mondo had been having unwholesome thoughts about Taka for ages and when he and Taka did what they did, Mondo thought that he’d taken advantage of Taka’s naivety and trusting nature. He hated himself so much in that moment, hating what he just did to Taka, certain that he’d just betrayed Taka’s trust entirely. In fact… he prolly thought himself manipulative in that moment, thinking that he’d manipulated Taka into doing that with him. When Taka said he didn’t, that it was okay… well. Y’all know what happened then.

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this… this is a really hard thing for me to write about, since it’s all about emotions and things and a lot of it is based on how I view the world. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve been struggling so much to explain it, oof. I’ll try to keep going to see if I can’t get something intelligible out.

Anyway. The reason Mondo kept on doing sexual things with Taka despite his misgivings was for two reasons. One that he allowed himself to acknowledge, and one that he kept hidden away, ashamed of it. The one he acknowledged is that it helped Taka relax and learn to not be so uptight, which was always a goal of Mondo’s. He wanted to help Taka and let him see that it’s okay to want things like that. It’s even okay for Taka to be gay, like Mondo was nearly positive Taka was.

His second reason was a lot more selfish, and it’s obviously because Mondo wanted it, too. At first he denied that in himself, pretended that he couldn’t possibly want Taka like that, that he only did it to help Taka. But as time went on, and once everything that happened in the kitchen happened… Mondo realized that he did want it. Want Taka. He hated himself for it, but he couldn’t deny it any longer. He wanted Taka.

But more than that… more than that, Mondo realized that he lovedTaka. More than as a friend or brother. He was in love with Taka and that just… it was so hard for Mondo to acknowledge because he still doesn’t think himself worthy of it. Of loving Taka. Of being loved by Taka. He cannot view Taka as a potential love interest because he doesn’t think he deserves it.

By having him and Taka go on their ‘not-a-date date,’ Mondo was kind of testing the waters. He was trying to see if a relationship between him and Taka could work out. If such a thing were possible. He didn’t ask Taka out, since he knows he has problems with that, and also… it would have made it so much harder for him, having it be voiced like that. It would make it real, a real thing they’re doing, and the pressure would have destroyed Mondo. Completely and fully.

In fact, that’s why Mondo ran at the end of the last chapter. By having Taka say “I’m in love with you,” suddenly everything became real in a way Mondo couldn’t handle. He was doing his best to go through the date without freaking out, without panicking. But then Taka kissed him, said he loved him, and for the first time Mondo allowed himself to acknowledge that oh god, Taka actually means this, he honestly thinks that he’s in love with him, it’s not just puppy love for him, and that just… it was too much. He couldn’t handle it and everything he was trying so hard to keep down came back up again. His self-hatred. His lack of self-worth. He didn’t deserve Taka’s love, he felt. He didn’t deserve to have Taka view him positively. He didn’t deserve to have Taka, period.

He spent their entire friendship dreading the day Taka would leave him, and for the first time… Mondo had to deal with the thought that maybe Taka wouldn’t leave. That maybe Taka was content with staying for the rest of his life, if possible. And that scared Mondo so much, because he knows what he’s like. And he knows that he’d find a way to ruin it. That even if Taka doesn’t want to leave now, Mondo would ruin it and hurt Taka, and Mondo… Mondo couldn’t do that. Couldn’t hurt Taka, not on purpose. Not even on accident. He couldn’t bear the thought of hurting Taka, but he knew that he would if he stays with Taka.

When he ran, that wasn’t out of malice or a desire to hurt Taka. Instead, that was Mondo’s way of protecting Taka from the panic Mondo could feel building inside of him. Panic that he knows from experience turns all too easily to rage. He didn’t want to hurt Taka. He never wanted to hurt Taka, but he could feel it building up and he knew he couldn’t stop it no matter how hard he tried. So, he fled, knowing that running was the only thing he could possibly do to make things even somewhat better.

There’s a lot more I could write here about what happens next, but y’all won’t understand it without context, ha. I did write it down and I will be posting it with the next chapter, so look for it on my blog then if you want to know more about that.

But the main thing I want to get across here is just that… that Mondo wasn’t being manipulative, because manipulation needs to be conscious, and because Mondo never really thought that Taka truly loved him. He couldn’t think that. He thought he was giving Taka what he wanted by being sexual with him, not realizing Taka needed more. Mondo had no idea that Taka loved him so much, didn’t think such a thing was possible. Also, Mondo wasn’t trying to get sex out of Taka. He didn’t go into the whole thing thinking “heh, I’m gonna use Taka’s feelings to get off, no care for how he feels about the matter.” Mondo legit wanted to do everything with Taka and was doing his best to be what Taka needed. He just… didn’t realize that Taka needed more from him. And by the time he did, he didn’t know how to give it.

Sometimes people who have mental illness or trauma they are struggling with can look manipulative from an outside perspective. But manipulation needs to be conscious. Or it has to be deliberately done to get something. Mondo wasn’t trying to get anything from Taka. He was trying to be selfless and give Taka what he wanted. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know what Taka wanted, since Taka never told him. This goes back to my first point, in that the main problem Taka and Mondo face is that they don’t communicate. While we all know that Taka loves Mondo, and Mondo knew Taka at least had a crush on him, it’s not quite as obvious how deep that love ran. Not from an outside perspective. Mondo thought it was Taka loving the idea of him. Or loving the kindness Mondo showed him. Mondo didn’t realize that Taka was able to see all of his flaws and love him regardless. And that’s not really his fault.

Ultimately, the main thing I wanted to show with this story is that neither Taka nor Mondo are perfect. They are flawed people, but they still deserve to be happy. They deserve to make it through their struggle and come out the other side happy and together. Mondo has some pretty bad flaws with his anger, but it doesn’t make him a bad person. Having anger issues doesn’t mean you are inherently bad or abusive. It just means you have to be careful and conscious of your problems. And Mondo is trying, guys. He really is. It’s just hard for him and he slips up sometimes. Y’all will have to keep this in mind for the next chapter, because… yeah. It gets bad.

~~~

Anyway, I hope this kind of went over your concerns! I know it was a lot more than what was asked for, but y’all know me. I never do anything by halves 😅 Feel free to ask any further questions if this didn’t explain what you wanted it to!!! I never mind explaining things, even if I’m not always the best at getting it across. I think this all will be explained better in TPWM, though I’ve not actually written any of the sexual chapters from Mondo’s perspective yet. I’m still writing the companion to chapter 18, which was the bathhouse chapter, oof. One day I will get to finishing TPWM. Even if it takes me years. Which I’m hoping it won’t, but honestly… who knows anymore. -.-

(Oh! I also wanted to talk about this earlier, but didn't know where to fit it in. But you mention "basic logic" in your question. My answer to that part is... what part of either Taka or Mondo's actions in TPWP are at all logical?? 😅😅😅 These are two dumb, emotionally stunted teenagers. Logic doesn't really factor into their actions as much as it should. Taka tries to be logical, but he fails at it a lot, ha. It's easy for people outside to think "well, this is what would be most logical," but remember that in the heat of the moment, logic doesn't always apply. Especially for teens.)

(Also! I forgot to address the other part of you ask, about the apology thing. And yeah, that is something that I failed to add to this story, but a lot of it is due to the apologies not really fitting into the flow of my writing. A lot of the things Mondo has to apologize for are things that he did in the beginning of the story, and bringing that up in later chapters would stop the story dead and it would just... it was awkward whenever I'd try writing it. But I always imagined that Mondo did apologize for that stuff, I just never was able to write it organically. Maybe one day I'll write a one shot about it, if I ever have the time, ha.

Now, if you meant for things that happened after they became friends... I'll admit that I'm not entirely sure what Mondo has to apologize for. He apologized for what happened on Halloween and-- more than that-- he showed through action that he was going to change. And if there are other times you think Mondo should have apologized but didn't... can you let me know, so I can either explain why I didn't have him apologize, or see if I can add an apology in there if it works? It's late and I'm trying to remember if there is another time when Mondo messed up... there was chapter 20-22, but that was a complicated situation, and I believe I had Mondo apologize there? Not a big apology, but it was something... I think??? Like I said, it's late and I'm exhausted, so let me know if there is a part you want clarification on, since I've been trying to have Mondo not seem like too big of a jerk, ha.) Thanks for the ask, though!!! I hope I didn't seem unhappy with the question at all, ha. Like I said, I like clarifying things if they're unclear in the story. :-)

[anakinskywalkher]

Palpatine raises the twins and accidentally activates Anakin’s dadmodus - An alternative Star Wars plot.

@jasontoddiefor: Palpatine raises the twins & angst w/ Vader not knowing who the two are @dlegohargreeves: im gonna fuck shit up

written together on WhatsApp while listen to crack music.

------

(Barbara) Palpatine has long before he declared himself emperor abandoned the ways of the Sith. He uses them to create utmost loyalty to himself but he will not abide to the rules of his predecessor, one Palpatine would’ve defeated had he been around at that time.  People, be they sith, jedi, or other are all moldable to whatever he wants them to be.

He tricks Padme with sugar and soothed spun words, manipulates Anakin with spice and presses on his rage ("the jedi forbid you from loving your mother thats why you couldnt save her. i would never")  -- Palpatine is aware of the long game, but he has eternity. He’s a god, no one will be able to withstand him.

What Anakin never realised was that he wasnt the actual chosen one, Palpatine had seen in his vision that Anakin's children were in fact the chosen ones, and so when confronted with the soft boy he molded him into this shell to avoid his vision from happening,.... and yet these damnable children are still born. Palpatine is terrified that he wasn’t the only one with the true vision and firmly believes that owning the twins would be the least risky choice. (like he owned anakin, who long ago posed a risk)

He hunts them down, -- while anakin/Vader is completely crippled by his mental breakdown about "murdering" Padme and his child. Palpatine smiles and lets him wallow, for what Vader doesnt know is that Palpatine the God poisoned padme once he found out about her pregnancy.

Palpatine finds them, born hours ago and already pulsing brightly with the power of the force. Obi-Wan puts up a fight but Palpatine strikes him. He gloats to Obi-wan, brags about killing Padme, about manipulating Anakin (”I have taken everything from you, and now I will take your life) and takes the children. He leaves Obi-wan to bleed out by his stomach wound a faraway galaxy          (Palpatine reasons that Obiwan deserves it for this is how he left Vader to die. )

And so Palpatine at the rise of his galactic empire ends up with a crippled sith boy (not a man no matter what anakin thought), and with two babies who are most powerful force users in history. (now were shifting to meta instead of story telling lmao)

Palpatine has a god complex, he doesnt actually believe he would ever die, such petty thing is only for the unfortunate. even if his body would succumb to age, his mind through the force would rule forever -- he is unstoppable. To rule however even a godlike emperor needs tools, and while Vader is to be his guarddog the twins he believe can be shaped and molded into his personal hands, amplify his reach across galaxies.

So to mold them into his tools, Palpatine believes in starving them for love, only ever receiving ounces of recognition and pride. always craving his acknowledgment -- and it works, the twins once old enough to have actual brains (according to palpatine) he removes their wetnurses and gives them teachers, makes their training cruel and harsh and make them compete for his gaze. And it works till a certain extent, but Palpatine’s god-complex makes him blind to things he deems unneccessary, And thus he misses how the mourning of Vader for his family, turns him into a guilt-ridden man who believes giving these children some form of attention and care as penance for his own misgivings. And thus without meaning to Vader gives the children the love Palpatine tries to deny them (accidentally shifting their loyalty on the long run)

Elias: Vader hates the kids at first, with them reminding him of everything he lost and could have had, but at the end of the day, after some aggressive introspection, he gets that they’re just kids and probably starts projecting a lot the longer he’s exposed to them -- Vader, guilty, sneaks them candy and gives them stuff that’s kinda useless (like books that are not about politics or war or economics and and and) and he doesn’t think it’s much but the two would kill a man for him and probably have done so. ((Palpatine tries to break apart the codependent twins, forcing them apart for weeks, but the Force, unlike anything is a tool in hands of desperate children with a bond so strong it connected their mind)) This is not healthy, Vader thought, recalling decade old lessons from the Jedi. The twins rarely spoke, never mind both at the same time. They’re asked for their opinions, echoes of the Emperor’s wishes, and only one of them replies. They always moved at the same time, terrifying weapons of perfect synchrony, constantly aware of the other’s presence. They were living at least half in each other’s mind, even when the Emperor depraved them of contact for weeks. They were clingy afterwards, holding each other’s hands and wrists until they bruised, but Vader knew their minds were never separated. Luke slammed their teacher’s (victim’s) head to the ground as Leia kicked away his feet. They didn’t need any call signs, or training in coordination, one moved and the other followed. During battles, the twins’ dependence was a huge advantage. “Again,” Vader called out and the two of them fell back into the first Kata, the bleeding teacher still lying on the ground.

Barbara: However once the twins are older they need to learn through missions, so Vader has to take them along for missions  (once Palpatine believes they wont connect with Vader) - it starts normal but Vader slowly starts to make the missions longer, gives the kids downtime, lets them free and just engages small talk with them, he can’t face himself if he doesn't let them be actual children. But the twins are suspicious believing theres a catch but Leia, the master mind realises that theres none and so they accept reluctantly, and slowly but surely they learn how to be children under Vader’s tutelage. It takes time and dulling a sharpened blade, but the moment, that first time when the twins laugh and seem actually happy, its that moment that Vader decides, he has to become Anakin again, because these children are his second chance - And so he starts planning.

(insert a bit of crack:

Elias: Firmus: Lord Vader, are we to expect you and the Operatives back tomorrow? Vader: we haven’t finished the mission yet -Leia and Luke like 12 or so, in the background yelling in excitement bc idk they got a game, neither are in uniform- Firmus: Of course )

Barbara: Anakin: "i made sand castles when I was young" Leia: “that structure seems awfully unstable for a house”

But ever since Vader mentions the sand castle, the usually more mature one Leia clings to the idea and while he wishes he could show her, but his suit and wounds cant handle the sand. And when he explains Luke goes " well lets get u a proper suit then" and vader goes " im a moron" (leia in the back: yes duh) So Anakin looks into the treatment he’s still receiving to see if he can make it so that his breathing machine could withstand the sand and realises that Palpatine is actually keeping his body weak, he has no need of the breathing machine because its that actual machine thats poisoning his lungs. So of course Vader does a lowrisk experiment and turns off the machine and he can actually breath fresh air in 12 years (the rage controlling Anakin is one different than those before, for it is ice in his veins instead of fire. And it makes him tactical instead of foolish for once). Soon after that Vader catches some rebel transmission and  finds out that Obi-wan is alive and looking for the twins and its that moment that Anakin 'kills' Vader, believing that Obi-wan can save the twins in a way he can't.

Anakin takes the kids to fight the rebels on Palpatines order but he seizes the chance and instead he shows them his face without the mask (lets ignore the idea that hed be bald bc i hate the uglification of ani) and Leia goes: You look an awful lot like luke Anakin who hasnt actually seen his own image for 12 years, realises that luke is a spitting image of himself as a child, and leia who is glaring at him, he realises, is a carbon copy of Padme. BUT anakin thinks hes projecting and doesnt follow up with it.

Instead he asks them (and for leia this will always be the most important part), he asks them if they wish to stay with Palpatine and do his bidding or to dissapear with him -- and well the choice is easy right, Luke&Leia don’t actually like Palpatine, because despite everything, the force made them sensitive and they feel so much (the despair of the people, the sadness of Vader, the greed of Palpatine)

So they leave for Tattooine, the one place where Palpatine would never look because he never found out that Anakin realised his suit was a boobytrap. The wanted pictures of the twins (both bald shaven and in uniform) nor the one of Anakin (known as Vader, with the helmet)  soon dont match the long haired white dress wearing twins and the blond haired bronzed man.

and so Anakin and the twins go into hiding, but guess whose on Tatooine? Thats right -- ObiWan

[indietravelerchick-blog]

Confessions of a past bachelorette

     I was the fish that could not get hooked. I was a serial dater, heartbreaker, bachelorette or whatever you want to call it. Was I a whore? Slut? Please, I have more class.  

 The story begins at age 18. I dated Duncan. He lived in the moment but couldn’t be serious or get his shit together to save his life. The first time he met my parents, he asked if he could do his laundry at their house. He lived in a shitty apartment in Old Louisville with his two cats. I remember his cats were panting all the time because the A/C was crap. One time, we visited this hippy couple in their thirties. They let their dog shit in the yard and they used the shit as fertilizer. Their garden was majestic. They had a tree with full grown green apples. They grew chili peppers and all types of vegetables. The couple said, “Yeah, we need help with our garden.” I jumped in to volunteer. Duncan just wanted the vegetables. He didn’t care about anything else. The next day he says, “Why did you do that? I’m pulling weeds and breaking a sweat like a Mexican.” He forgot all about it once the hippies cooked breakfast for us. Duncan would often go to the mall and take advantage of the free appetizers in the food court and pass it off as a meal.  Duncan was also the type that would go to his friends apartment with the pool and pass it off like he lived there. He would say, “They’ll never notice. Just say we live in apartment ABC.” Some would describe him as a freeloader. I describe him as a guy in his early 20′s on the struggle bus. Duncan was hilarious. There were good times but was this it for me? Nah.

     Next was Phi. My family adored him. Phi was the first person I dated outside of my race. He wouldn’t be the last. He was a Vietnamese immigrant. He came to this country at 15, became fluent in English and went to UofL for Speed School of Engineering. He treated me right and was a great guy but there was a problem. Phi was Catholic. My stubborn ass wasn’t. My mom knew I would never convert. We had arguments over religion. My family grieved him more then I did. Bye Phi. 

     Then there was James. James and I would often eat wings and beer with his parents and debate over politics. His dad was an Irish American trucker who used to be in the Marines. His mom was Japanese. They would have, I kid you not...10 drinks in one setting and gulp it down like it was nothing. They didn’t even act tipsy. There was no effect. I enjoyed my life with James. I thought...keyword, “thought” he was the one. I loved him. We went to church. We went to the gym. We had a routine. However, I had crippling social anxiety. He couldn’t handle it. He was my only social outlet. I depended on him for going out and having fun. That’s not a healthy relationship. That’s called, codependent. We had petty arguments and then he started talking to other women online. Guess you could say, shit hit the fan. Could he have at least found a woman who had a full set of teeth? Was he that desperate for a fuck? If you are a dad, James is the guy whose ass you’d want to kick. After everything calmed down, there was no bad blood. James admitted he wanted no commitment and I wanted more out of life then weekly wing and beer sessions.

Later on, I had a string of flings. Devlon. Derek. David. There seems to be a  pattern here...

     Cue in, Reese. The dynamic between Reese and I was similar to that of my grandparents. My grandmother had a short fuse, was dominant and my grandpa put up with it. Reese was extremely reserved, shy and inhibited. I clearly was not. I was impatient, impulsive with a fire in my belly. I enjoyed getting Reese out of his comfort zone. I liked taking him to new places. He never had pho. He’d never been to DC. I liked taking charge. I liked making the decisions but if he didn’t feel comfortable, I wasn’t understanding. I wasn’t accepting. I continued to grow and get out of my shell. I graduated college, got my own apartment and held a job. Reese wasn’t on the same page. What the fuck? When was he going to move out? Reese wanted to go to medical school. All I could think about was when he would get his shit together. I was a selfish bitch. I cussed at him when he didn’t deserve it out of frustration. I kicked him out of my apartment a million times. He was fiercely loyal just like my grandpa was loyal to my grandma no matter how many times she treated him like shit. I didn’t like who I was with him and I didn’t want to repeat that dynamic. Reese loved me unconditionally. I had conditions. If he could just improve on X, then I would be happy. He never felt good enough. He could never reach high enough. I didn’t understand why I wanted to pursue other people when I had a perfectly good guy? What the fuck was wrong with me? I was the asshole. We weren’t on the same wavelength. I wasn’t good for him and he wasn’t right for me.

After being completely frustrated and exhausted, I told myself, “Fuck this. I’m done.” I swore off dating. I was content with just having a good time. At a later time, an old friend invited me to Play. For those who are unfamiliar, Play is a trendy LGBT drag queen club. I thought, what the hell? I am free to do whatever I want. It’s a Saturday night. Let’s go. I’m enjoying my time at Play when my friend says her mom’s COPD was acting up so they had to leave early. I decide to order a drink for myself and go out on the deck. As I walk to the deck, I see out of the corner of my eye, this sophisticated, attractive man casually standing a few feet away away from me. He’s leaning on the deck, sipping on his beer, and we glance back and forth at each other. He looks like the type of guy you would see in a hallmark card OR movie, your pick. His skin was olive complexion, had thick curly black hair, and he had the most perfect muscle tone. He was confident. His style was classy yet modern. He had this essence and energy about him that was out of this world. He was sophisticated. His attitude was a mix of smooth Frank Sinatra while also tough, sarcastic Sylvester Stallone. Honestly, I could just eat him up. Unbeknownst to him, I’m having this inner battle of, “I told myself that I would be single. Dammit, look at him. I can’t go with out talking to him.” 5 minutes of overthinking pass by. “Okay. Who is going to make the first move?” After what feels like an eternity of stealing glances,  I take the leap of “fuck it” and go up to him. I think to myself, “What’s the worse that can happen? I make a total jackass of myself and never see him again. Let’s go for it.” I ask him if it’s his first time at Play and we hit it off like we’ve known each other our whole lives. 

What started off as light banter turns into talking for 5 hours. I didn’t make it home until 5:30 am. He fascinated me. I had to see him the next day, and the next. We spend each day craving more. As I get to know him, he tells me all the things that would have been deal-breakers for me in the past. He’s 50. He’s Catholic. He’s divorced. Yet I could give a single fuck. Family and friends were concerned. My mom reacted, “He’s 50!? What the fuck, Melissa?” and I remark, “Trust me. He sure don’t look it.” My friends thought, “What if he’s controlling you?” I snap back, “Do you not know me by now?” The people who were once able to dissuade me did not know what to do with me. Hell, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Everyone thought I had lost my damn mind.

I was no longer in control like I was once. I could no longer walk away. I could no longer say, “Fuck it” or “Next.” He wasn’t an option but a necessity. He turned my world upside down and changed everything about my life. He made me realized what was missing. He lives in the moment. He has wit and spunk. He’s in an established career yet maintains the youth and energy of a young 20-something. He’s not jaded by life. He takes life by the horns literally...(he got chased by a bull in Spain). I don’t feel held back like I did in the past or make up excuses on why things should end because I know nothing can hold me back from him. If he was in the same exact circumstances, and it’s him, my mindset would be, I have to have him. Nothing can top him. 

A similar story happened to a young bachelor man who had a string of ex-girlfriends who could never catch his interest---who could never quite keep him. He was that bachelor. He was that person. He never thought he would want a woman living with him. Why would he want that if he could bring a different one home every night? He never thought he would bring a girl down to meet his mom. Are you nuts?! No one is worthy enough. He never thought he would get down on one knee again after the hell he went through. Why take the risk when he has a great life? He thought this way until we found each other and we’ve been together ever since.

Guess we’re hooked for life.

I love you mi amor.

[justaredballoon]

cw: narcissism, freud, mommy issues, trauma?? just overall vent about my mental issues. 

how did i go from being a doormat to a narcissist??

then again, isnt that what i always was, a narcissist? hasnt that been a running thing in the many things about myself i agonize over?; that i’m selfish, obsessed with myself.

nothing changed. i’m just not around people anymore. no one to please, so i am able to focus on my favourite thing: me.

ive noticed it. i’m more bitter. judgmental. apathetic. no morals, no ethics, no values. just hedonistic, personal pleasure and comfort. i should have seen this coming. we’ve known it all along.

i’m a narcissist because my mother is a narcissist.

i don’t know that for sure. just read online that people like me, with the same bad habits and tendencies, were raised by a narcissistic parent. ever since i read that i couldn’t stop thinking about it. it would make things all make sense.

mommy issues. Freud always blamed things on the mother. that’s so easy isnt it. my mom is a domineering, strong, powerful woman which is why is why my Oedipus complex instead focuses on the mother, leading to my attraction to women, especially strong women. her presentation of unconventional gender roles is what created ambiguity in my gender identity. her controlling nature stunted my independence which is why i constantly form intense, intimate, borderline codependent relationships with a single person. why i feel lost without someone to constantly hold my hand. Her refusal to communicate honestly, why i can’t communicate or express myself honestly with others. her high expectations why i feel like a disappointment, why i have a fear of failing. her overriding me, denying my feelings or perspective, and telling me what the “right” answer is, is why im afraid to speak, to make a conviction, why i let things go on because it’s easier to be passive and keep your head down.

i want to blame her for why i am the way i am. i do blame her. i resent her for it. a classic freudian case. i am the hysterical woman and the half baked man too close to his mom. i feel she crippled me. screwed me up. i am the victim of her desires to control. 

its so easy to just not take any responsibility. to say yeah im fucked up whatever i didn’t ask to be born and just keep floating by in life, feeling sorry for myself, not thinking about the future, just doing things to make myself happy now.

i have issues to work through, clearly. but i don’t feel ready to forgive. but i can’t just give myself excuses either. what i need is not just awareness, but change. its just i don’t want to. because it doesn’t feel good. and all i want is to feel good.

[reikisessions]

How to Tame a Worrying Mind During Difficult Times

“Mental health is just as important as physical health.” ~Unknown

Our main focus during this challenging time is quite rightly on our physical well-being. But we shouldn’t forget about our mental health considering these are stressful times for all of us.

Will we get sick?

Will our loved ones die?

Will we have enough food to feed the family?

How will we pay the bills?

How long do we have to stay in?

Will things ever get back to normal?

So many questions, so many worries.

Worrying used to keep me awake at night. It occupied every space of my mind during every waking minute. I always felt on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I didn’t feel like I could handle life at all.

My life was like this for many years until I began to understand myself better. I healed my past traumas and learned to respond to myself in effective and compassionate ways.

Some of what I’ve learned has helped a great deal during this time of uncertainty and unpredictability. This has resulted in me experiencing great mental health with well-balanced moods, resilience in the face of challenge, and solid emotional regulation skills.

And let me tell you, I was pretty much the opposite extreme before, so these mental health secrets really do work. I want to share them with you so you too can benefit, because emotional well-being can help see us through the challenges that lie ahead.

Mental Health Booster #1: Be Present

When I used to worry and cripple myself with anxiety, I was caught up in my head. I followed every thought like a puppy chases a squirrel. It was too tempting, and I couldn’t resist it. One fearful thought led to another, and down the slippery slope of worry I went. I never landed anywhere pleasant.

Being caught up in my mind meant that I wasn’t present enough to pay attention to myself, so I didn’t know how I felt or what I wanted. I was just stressed out of my mind while staying stagnant in my life.

Being caught up in your head right now probably looks like worrying about your health or someone else’s, watching the news and feeding your mind with more and more scary updates. Maybe you can feel that you’re spiraling and your anxiety is increasing. Maybe you’re obsessively following the media coverage and forgetting about everything else.

These are examples of not being present.

Being present means being fully in the moment. It’s not being distracted but engaging with what is.

So instead of filling my mind with worrisome news, I tend to what is going on right in front of me. I may play with my baby, cook for my children, or take a warm bath. In this way, I am there both physically and emotionally, which helps me to stay out of my head.

During challenging times, I pay particular attention to any distress signals like shallow breathing, feeling shaky, or having a tight chest. I no longer see them as something additional to worry me but rather as signs that alert me to take a break.

I pause and get still. I start to be there for myself.

I reconnect with what is going on around me. I ground myself in my body. I focus on my breath.

I slow down. I get present.

Then the anxious voices in my heads, my little worry warts, begin to fade away.

Mental Health Booster #2: Feel and Validate Your Feelings

We all experience an increase in uncomfortable feelings during challenging times. If we have to stay at home, there are fewer distractions to take our mind off fearful thoughts and difficult emotions.

We can easily find ourselves overwhelmed by our feelings.

I remember many times in my life when it felt like the walls were closing in on me while something horrifically painful inside me was trying to break out. I felt hot and panicked. I didn’t know what to do and worried that I was losing my mind.

I had been avoiding and fighting my feelings for so long that I didn’t understand them. I feared them. I used all my energy and effort to suppress them, but every now and then, during challenging times, I couldn’t keep it up

The additional stress was simply too much.

One day I read that we were meant to feel our feelings. Wait, WHAT!?

Mind. Blown.

I had been fighting my feelings and running away from them all my life, and now I was being told that if I ever wanted to get better, I had to feel my feelings.

So I started letting them happen. It wasn’t comfortable and it wasn’t easy, but it was worth it because I realized resisting my feelings was what actually made it all so painful.

I learned that I had to stop telling myself that I shouldn’t feel how I was feeling, that I was being ridiculous, that I was too sensitive, and so on. I was invalidating myself. I was shaming myself for feeling whatever I was feeling.

I was making myself wrong for feeling all the time. No wonder I felt overwhelmed when experiencing something I had judged as shameful!

Invalidating our feelings is harmful to our mental well-being. It erodes our self-esteem and leaves us feeling broken and defective. It makes us disconnect from ourselves, and we begin to make all the wrong choices because we no longer know how we feel and what we want.

Staying mentally healthy during difficult times requires you feel your feelings and allow yourself to process them, which means not fighting or avoiding them.

It also means that you have to learn to validate your feelings. This involves you normalizing and empathizing.

You do this by telling yourself that it’s okay to have this feeling, and that any human with the kinds of thoughts you’re thinking or the kind of experience you are having would feel how you’re feeling. Tell yourself that it’s okay. That in itself is reassuring.

For example, most recently I have been experiencing fearful thoughts about the health of my loved ones. I worry that they’ll get sick, or worse. Instead of fighting my worry,  I validate my fears and soothe myself.

I can see that it’s perfectly natural to worry about losing those you love and that the anxiety I experience is a result of these kinds of thoughts. My anxiety is therefore perfectly normal considering the circumstances, and I don’t have to see it as a problem, which in itself is reassuring and decreases my anxiety.

Mental Health Booster #3: Engage with Something Meaningful

When we learn not to make our feelings problems, it creates the space we need to engage with something meaningful, something that matters to us, something that brings us joy.

And what is really important for our mental well-being during difficult times is to engage in something meaningful for us.

We can choose something fun, something silly, something creative, something lighthearted. We can come up with new projects or can focus on being productive in some way. We can improve our relationships by having some fun or being caring toward each other. We can play with our kids.

Whatever it is, choose something. Get present and engage with it.

It will take your mind off things. It will give you a break.

Don’t let a difficult situation confine and restrict you.

This isn’t about denying or avoiding the realities of a difficult situation. It’s about preserving the mental energy needed to deal with it in the most effective and compassionate way possible.

And a big part of preserving our mental energy and health is maintaining a sense of purpose in the face of a crisis.

This is something most of us have in common: We all want to feel that we are useful in some way, that we have a purpose, that we’re doing something valuable.

And there are so many different things we can do to have that experience. But in order to do so, we need to have space in our minds, which requires us to practice being present, to feel our feelings and to validate them.

—

I hope that these three mental health boosters help you as much as they have helped me. I am grateful to you for reading this, as this is my meaningful contribution that allows my mind to focus on something I find valuable and enjoyable.

About

Marlena Tillhon

Marlena helps people who struggle in relationships, due to codependency, insecure attachment, and unresolved trauma, develop and change in ways that allow them to finally get the love they need. She works as a psychotherapist, relationship coach, and clinical director and loves to connect on Instagram or via her Love with Clarity Facebook group and page. She is an expert in human relationships and sees them as the lifeblood of a meaningful existence.

[apathetically-hopeful]

5/17/21 Distance

Being told that someone you love needs distance from you is soul crushing. I’ve never been good at being alone. Learning to live alone with myself is taking a daily effort that I’m not yet comfortable with. Somewhere in between all the laughter and blissful moments we shared, was me, getting more lost. I got lost in all the things she did for me, wandering through a labyrinth of love and codependent happiness.

Now she’s gone, and I’m fighting like hell for her; but you can’t make someone accept what they aren’t ready for. This has been my greatest struggle of this merciless evisceration of my life. When she left, something that had been sleeping inside of me for a long time finally started to shamble beneath the covers. Awakened in me was a visceral need for self discovery and acceptance. The burdens of my soul suddenly lifted and my vision became clear. What I saw was what I truly wanted from life; however my misfortune was that I realized what I wanted was everything I had just lost.

I am plagued by the understanding that her leaving opened up the depths of my soul; where I found everything we’d both ever wanted from me. She was a catalyst for my evolved state of self awareness, that I now face alone. I’ve been desperately trying to claw my way back into her heart. Only to realize that what I’m attempting is impossible. There is no way to force your place in someone’s life; I can only be patient and respect her wishes and needs. Hoping that someday she will see everything that I know we have the potential to be.

This has been the most crippling anxiety I’ve ever faced. I’m doing everything I can to show her what I’ve learned. But her response is always the same; “I need time and distance.” There is this part of me that believes that this might be healable, that we may be able to fix things; if I would just listen to her. But that’s where the war against my heart is being waged. I’ve always lived somewhere in my heart, while my mind fought boldly against it, to stop myself from pursuing the very things that would assure it’s destruction.

Having your heart and mind at constant odds is a very unique kind of suffering. When both parts of you only know how to fight dirty, life becomes a special kind of hell. I find myself torn between the understanding that the distance is probably good for both of us; and the need to try to show her everything I’m learning about myself and the depth of my love for her. The biggest regret gnawing at the fabric of my being these days, is that I never took the time while she was here to try and define what she really meant to me. With her gone and my heart now residing outside the cage of my chest; I find that I am capable of a deeper and more resonating kind of love than I ever thought possible for myself.

All of my efforts thus far feel like they’ve been in vain. So I’m trying a new approach of actually just listening to her, and respecting what she wants. As someone that has always relentlessly pursued what I want, this is a hard thing for me to accept. Given that what she seems to want, has nothing to do with me at the moment. She has told me to trust the process, that everything will fall into place as it should. As someone who trusts the world very little; I find it hard to surrender to this idea. But, if recent events have taught me anything, it’s that the harder I fight, the more damage I cause.

When you love someone, and they say that they love you, how do you accept that doing nothing is the best choice? I’ve learned so much about myself and my capabilities in the recent weeks. All I want is the opportunity to show her how hard I’ve been working; what giving myself, unreserved, to us will really look like. I’m starting to understand that she’s just simply not ready for that right now, and that’s the unyielding source of my misery now. Realizing that you’ve wounded someone so deeply, that it’s possible to have found the remedy for their ailments much too late, is maddening.

For now all I can do is retreat into the comfort of my own wounds and begin sewing them shut. The healing process has been slow and methodical. I find myself wondering what will appear first; scar tissue or the cure. Putting all my faith into her words about time and second chances is a medicine that I often find too bitter to swallow. When I attempt to apply the band-aid that is distance and time; I inevitably find myself trying to peel it away to try and monitor the progress of the healing. Only to discover that I’ve caused the injury to start bleeding again. It makes it harder for me to accept when someone I truly believed wouldn't leave; ends up leaving.

Love truly is a beautiful thing, but trying to breathe that air too deeply and relentlessly can be suffocating. I’ve been squeezing so tightly to try to hold onto what I perceive I’m losing; that I feel I will surely be the one to smother the flame if I don’t let it breathe. Of everything I’ve been trying to learn and change about myself, finding the ability to maintain self discipline in regards to this has been the most painful and mistake laden lesson. If you read this, just know that I’m doing my best. Somedays my best isn’t very good, but it’s everything I can muster just to not break down. Believing in something you have no control over is a brutal and agonizing task. I only hope that my faith is rewarded. If it isn’t, just know that I understand... because it’s on me for not getting here sooner.

If distance makes the heart grow fonder; then there is no limit to my love for you now. Love always,

Trevor

( Image credit goes to my good friend John Norkaitis at https://www.instagram.com/wrxvader/ )

[poisondonut]

vomit

Destruction in the name of resurrection

Damage replacing virtue with evil as my muse

Following blindly a war path in the sake of feeling

something that can reverse the death of a once hopeful mind

The years of liars and abusers

Seductive, sadistic, beautiful, horrifying creatures

Smarter and more cunning than the last

I was too naive to recognize manipulation

Such that leads entire nations

What forces drive us to holocaust, war, destruction of ourselves

The same damage can be made by one mind, one soul to another

Years of hungry earwigs whispering into my brain, each day a different tune, a different delusion

Torrid emotions uncontrollable by logic

I’ve felt forever

All the while the real voices insist

“I love you”

“I hate you”

“I’ll never hurt you”

“I could kill you right now if I wanted”

“You can trust me”

“I’ll always fail you”

Hanging on every word because I had already given

far too much in the name of his smile

Rigid codependency

Simultaneous affection and cruelty

Two souls tangle into one

When I left my parents at seventeen

I followed my heart to his home

The filth and squalor was unimaginable

A house of distress

Addicted, crippled parents

Apathetic children

Hoarding animals

They suffered, some died

Litters of kittens less than a day old before they were torn apart by the dogs, to be found by an unsuspecting passerby

Under a roof with the stench of animal and human waste so thick you couldn’t tell it any more from the cloud of demonic vigor that loomed like a laughing clown

That woman

Who’d cut herself open, giggle through tears

flaunt the lesions to her child

Day after day we navigated paths around the mold, mildew, maggot infestations and circling flies

How had he survived this way for years?

“If you leave me I’ll kill myself.”

I fear you will

You come close to it every day

All of us were letting innocent lives die

Let ourselves suffer

I felt it, the pulsing

As if the house was alive

and furious

I resisted temptation to burn it down

A year went by, we saved enough

I left school to work for the money

We had to get out, I had to get him out

A sweet little apartment

Two precious cats

Steady work, college, our own cars

Bills paid, tummies full

Years went by, changes along the way

But the love remained fervent, and grew deeper

An addiction creeped its way in

Months pass,

Weakness overpowers resilience

The love becomes hatred

The affection becomes neglect

The laughs become jeers

The yells become screams

The sweat and smiles from hard work

Building, progressing, cooperating

Somewhere it became blood, tears, black tar

Rabidly devouring numbness

A constant scratching for escape

Like starving, diseased rats tearing the earth until their claws are bloodied

Hunting for the remedy

Reality is slowly growing too ugly to face  

Self mutilation and maniacal laughter followed by tears

Smashed walls and objects we’d worked so hard for

Then silence

He sits, panting

Recoiled in his own shame and hurt

Family and friends were always skeptics of his nature

But as I look at him, this sweet baby boy  

How could a soul so fragile be wicked?

He’d been hurt too many times

Raised in neglect, abuse, violence

“You can’t save someone all on your own.”

Why do those words ring so hollow?

In and out of emergency rooms

“This time I’ll be okay!”

“It hurts so much”

“Please I just want to die”

“It’s okay I’ll be okay I’m okay”

I got you away from it

I gave it every ounce of my being

We did it, we made it

You fell behind

The screaming fights

I was the crazy one?

I had my issues before you

But you made me worse

I was filled with rage, anger, betrayal

All you could do was stick your nose up to my work

To what we built

Physically spitting on what I helped give you

A clean, peaceful home

Healthy food, warmth, a cozy bed

Every day I did all the work and went to my job

Cleaned after you, fed you, held you tight

It was nothing like before

But you didn’t change

Festering in your own delusion

Like a feral bulldog destroying everything in it’s wake

Taking, taking, taking

Destroying, consuming, blaming

Confusing, manipulating, controlling,

Lying, screaming, breaking

And yet

Loving, pleading, holding

Understanding, appreciating, working toward a goal

But it was always short-lived

What once was playful, childish fun

A love so strong our souls could only understand on a nonverbal level

Became a fiery hatred

Using every resource to escape what we had become

Until they were all used up

Until your own father died in the wake of our damage

We watched him go together

The man who made you this way

Alongside the woman who did so much worse than he

Watching him, emotionless

Stroking his lifeless face with a cheeky grin on her own

I stood behind her shaking

“Is that it?”

You asked when the plug was pulled

“That’s it, he’s gone”

The man who held me so tight and cried on me when I came back to give this broken family one more chance

The one who laughed heartily and believed in us

Spoke words of wisdom and good faith with a warm hand on our shoulders

But also the man who drank a handle of whiskey every night

That lied and abused and mutilated himself and could be just fine the next day

How many souls like that have I become close to?

Too many to count

It’s now too familiar

How can we be such polar opposites of ourselves?

So warm, so loving, so aware

So cold, so evil, so blind

I’ve seen and watched too many others like me cope in such a way

Why shouldn’t it have worked for me!

But it was too much

There we stayed, in his empty house

We sold all his things for more drugs

His ashes sat behind the TV

And his fathers’ in the broom closet

“Take another hit. If you aren’t high I wasted my cash.”

“Not so much! I need more than you do.”

“It’s not enough? You’re never satisfied.”

“Why are you always freaking out? Girls just can’t handle drugs.”

You filthy hypocrite

Sitting in a scorching car in the desert

Chain smoking for hours outside various apartments, strip clubs, alleys, gas stations

Waiting for that next hit

As if the chills, sweats, pain, fear and nausea wasn’t enough

We’d choose numbness over food, power, clean water

We really just had to escape the hatred we had for ourselves, each other, and life itself didn’t we?

That was the worst of it

“We’re not selling your engagement ring.”

“Fuck it hurts.”

“Okay, if we pawn it, we’ll get it back.”

“You look naked without it.”

“I can’t believe you let me pawn it to get high.”

“You don’t love me.”

“YOU need it? I have chronic pain, you just like getting high.”

“I won’t see a doctor. Only heroin works.”

“I’ll get your ring back, just not tonight.”

“I really don’t want to be sick for work tomorrow.”

“Trust me. Don’t you trust me?”

And I did

At least I convinced myself of it

We never got the ring back

I couldn’t even trust or love myself, let alone you anymore

But somehow the feelings were stronger than I could explain

I needed to please you, I hung onto your every word, gesture and micro-expression

Figuring out how to make you happy with me

I found that if I was self-destructive and took on your pain, you respected me. You were affectionate with me

If I was happy for any reason besides getting high with you or fucked by you, you were irate

You were the only thing or person allowed to make me happy

And I understood that’s how it felt to be you

The world had betrayed you since you were born

You said I was the only reason you kept living

You thought that’s what love was, so if I didn’t feel that way I must not have loved you like you did me

And in my narcissistic martyr complex I accepted it as love

Every day became a mental battle of appearing healthy

When inside there was more torment than I could tolerate

The desire to hurt someone was so constant and so great

I would maim myself because I knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault but mine

And each time I did, for a while the anger would subside

There’s a surreal feeling looking at the damage you’ve just done to your own body

In an instant the wasps and cockroaches slinking and buzzing in your mind stop all at once and fixate on the wound

All the anger and emotional pain is focused into one spot

And you can breathe again

But like a burning cigarette it only lasts for so long

Once again you’re looking for the next thing to quiet the angry chirps and mocking laughter inside your mind

Nothing else was important

I no longer loved you

I loved the numbness you provided for me

Until I was weak on my knees

Barely moving forward

I confessed to you in desperation

“I need help.

I’m 99 pounds.

I’m sick all the time.

I’m losing sanity.

I can’t keep doing this.”

You regressed into rage,

“You can’t leave now!”

“If you leave it means you never cared about me.”

“We can do this together.”

You said that so many times

It got even worse each time

“You’re nothing!”

“You’re worthless!”

“You’re a joke!”

I wrote those last words you said to me in lipstick on your mirror so you’d never forget

I got healthy

But there was nothing left of me inside

You took it all out of me

Before long I was seeing strangers

To feel some kind of validation

I had nothing else to give but my body

Being used felt good

The smallest amount of affection was enough

I’d give them my all

They’d develop infatuation with the persona I created

You gave me that much at least

I’d become pretty good at manipulation

I was capable of doing quite a lot

It became my new addiction

Breaking myself down to be what each man wanted

Over drinking at every opportunity

Inebriated I’d often become sentimental

Develop juvenile crushes and make empty promises

In the mornings I’d realize my mistake

Some begged me not to leave

That they’d never felt this way

And I’d smirk because it meant nothing to me

I doubted their claims anyway

For me it became a game

To see what I could achieve

My empathy was void

It had all been used up on you

I let them hurt me, pleaded for more pain

So angry at myself for letting you defeat me

A little girl that had gotten herself raped, beat, burned, and spit on in years past

Had finally found her love, the one she could always count on

The one who truly meant everything

And he slowly mind fucked her to the brink of insanity

Why did she fall for the slithering lies every time when the true love in her life was right there at home?

When her parents never did such cruelty

When her sister and closest friends stood by her side?

She wanted something different, she wanted excitement

She saw the ugly truth behind the painted world of human functionality, religion, systematic control and manipulation that is so normal to others

She wanted to be wanted

She loved to be loved

Why did she find it in all the wrong places and people?

Why did pain, self-destruction and betrayal feel like “love”?

Finding rhyme in all the wrong reasons

She still hasn’t figured it out so she begs

“Please hurt me”

It’s a constant that feels familiar and controllable

And if you can’t hurt me badly enough?

I’ll do it myself

At least I can inflict enough to feel numb again

They begin refusing to hurt me

Why?

You have no idea the evil I’ve become

Masked behind a “good girl”

I’m nauseated by the mirror

When I’d be treated well

Much better than I deserved

I’d panic

It wasn’t right

I ran out to the car, sliced myself open

Finally I’d be free

Into the void where I wanted to be

Still want to be today

I just want to sleep

No more hands over hands over hands

I could fall away from this planet

So much of it is vomitous

I was warm, the blood felt like sugar

I smiled and closed my eyes

Wake up to a hospital ceiling

Not the first or the last time I’d seen it

Stitches, catheter, breathing tube

Mental hospital, prescriptions, courtroom

I begin repeating this cycle

Get in too deep with an old friend

Abort his baby

Berate him, cheat him, hit him in a drunken stupor

He proposes

I accept, but

I remember the moment you did the same

Your smile in my mind

I tear the room apart in a vodka fueled rage

No one is willing to endure me anymore

I’m living in hotel rooms

I cut myself again, get put away, come back “home”

Invite strange tweakers in

I texted you while they fucked me

It went on this way all year

What am I?

A rabid wolf preying on rabbits?

No, I am a rabbit

Pretending she’s a wolf

This is a facade

I know that the punishment I really deserve

would be too much, and though I pretend I want it

and could handle it

If there is a hell

it would strike the fear of God within me

and I’d beg to be released

I’m a hypocrite, a fake, a writhing insect

I leave the psych wards and pick up right where I left off

Do I even know who I am anymore?

The personalities taking up the chambers of my mind are growing in number

They switch more frequently

Just let me be numb

Just let me be numb

Just let me be numb

Just let me be numb

Just

Don’t give up on me?

[stacijordanshelton]

Cures, Crutches, Enablers and Egos

Epiphanies on coaching, codependency and loving detachment I love helping people see their dreams come to pass. Professionally and personally, I’ve been a sounding board, advice giver, trainer and go-to person for the people in my life. I push, pull, encourage, motivate and sometimes inspire. And I’ve helped people. But, with some people, I want “it” more for them than they do. I had to admit that for a long time, it was all Ego. I used to take on other people’s dreams as my dreams, my projects, my measure of success. If they were transformed and successful, I can say (to myself) “I did that”. For me, their failure was my failure, and I was taking it personally. If I wasn't able to help them succeed, what does that say about me? It was a startling revelation. It stung. Badly. But it was needed. And it made me think. I cannot be effective as a human being with Ego motivating my movement. If Ego is doing the driving, I’m moving and being from a place of fear, and that cripples everyone. 
Instead of helping them get whole, I was being a hindrance. I was propping them up so they didn’t have to walk on their own. I was doing the thinking and moving (walking) for them. I wasn’t holding them accountable for their own healing or expecting them to responsible for their best lives. I was micro-managing their progress, afraid to let them make decisions and take acctions on their own without my input, lest they fall. On top of it all, I didn’t trust that they knew what was best for them, or how to get there. I was defining myself by their success. I was an enabler. I accepted their mediocrity because I knew their stories. They were treated badly, rejected or worse, (instert unpleasant experience here). I secretly feared that they would not succeed. And I was responsible for keeping them right there. In truth, it wasn’t my belief in them that was moving me, it was my lask of trust in them. When we don't trust people, we end up treating them like children and not like people capable of success, good decisions, growth and change. We enable fragility and hinder resiliency. Out loud, I gave my best “I believe in you” speech, while silently harboring doubt about their ability to grow and change secretly. I thought that as long as I didn’t voice my fears publicly, that what I was saying out loud would win. What I now know, is that by accepting less than someone’s best or seeing them as incapable, I keep them in that place. If secretly, I harbor fears that they will never be successful, I am projecting failure and my own fears onto them. What a crazy cycle: challenging someone to pursue their best life while accepting less than that and unconsconsciously expecting them to fail. So, in order to be better, I thought - I became a crutch. I decided to prop these people up, instead. Sometimes, crutches are needed. When someone is hurt or broken, temporarily, they cannot move on their own. Pain distracts them from being effective. Crutches help bear the burden and the weight and give the reprieve needed for healing. Ultimately, though, bearing weight and walking unaided is what helps rehabilitate and facilitate healing. When crutches are used beyond the prescribed period, it can cripple people, sometimes permanently. Crutches are not cures. The prolonged use of crutches creates co-dependency. Eventually, because the healing is incomplete or distorted, the person’s ability to move without them becomes impossible. Even if they give up the crutches later, growth has been stunted to such an extent that their ability to move and make progress independently is severely limited. On top of that, crutches can cause nerve damage. People who use them for too long can suffer damage that makes them numb. Their arms, which were not meant to bear the weight of the entire body eventually lose feeling and function. Now more than one area of the body is not functioning as it should. The crutch, too becomes battered, weakened and worn, less and less effective over time. It’s a lose-lose situation. The crippling guarantees the crutch a role forever in the person’s life but it’s not a healthy arrangement. Clearly, neither the person breing “helped” or the crutch is operating in purpose when this is the pattern. “We’re all here to do what we’re all here to do.”~ The Oracle in The Matrix A dictator tells. A teacher guides and instructs. An enlightened soul knows that each person is here to do what they’re to do; that each must all walk his or her own path and learn what was to be learned; that if people don’t receive the lesson, maybe it’s just not time, the learner wasn’t ready or it wasn’t the right teacher. They are detached from the outcome, wanting only the best for that person’s whole life, whether or not they are involved in the process. Wanting to be the “savior”, and thinking we know what’s best for someone’s life is arrogance and blocks us from doing our greatest work. I must not define myself by my assessment someone”s willingness to listen, learn or succeed. Who am I to make that judgment? If I’m reminding someone day by day what they “need” to be doing, not trusting them to “get there”, or getting angry when I think they are not, I’ve moved into a place of ego and am on my way to being a crutch. Awareness is a gift. I’m now aware and committed to checking myself, my motives and making sure that I’m facilitating a cure, not being a crutch. We have to allow people to try, learn, fail or succeed at their own pace. Their progress, or lack thereof has nothing to do with me. I will continue love people and hold them accountable, but I will detach from their outcomes. I will be aware of when I’ve moved into casting myself in the role of Heroine in their stories, and when I’ve inched over into the dangerous territory of associating my self worth and defining the the quality of the relationship with my assessment of their success. Who am I to say whether they are successful or not, anyway? The truth is, it’s my job to create an environment of safety, unconditional love and support, so the the people I work with can heal, succeed, be joyful and grow. The actual work is up to them and Life.

[undyinghappinessblog]

“If it hurts, you will always remember”

Okay yes. These are both references from the god damn hit HBO series ‘Girls’. I am obsessed and absolutely inspired. I will admit it, okay? But I just gotta say. Lena Dunham. Seriously. She is a queen in my life right now. I draw so much inspiration from her and her life. But more about that later...

Okay! Hello!! God I feel like I am in grade 5 again... “Hey diary! Missed you! How are you doing?” Fuck haha. Okay but seriously. Hello.

So the past couple of months have been incredibly busy. And although I thought about writing on more than one occasion, I have’nt actually had the time to just sit and focus (okay thats a lie..I have had time...I just like my fucking sleep, okay??). But seriously. I. Have. Been. Busy...

So February started off with 24/7 rehearsals for the play. Okay it was 10-6, six days a week rehearsal so not exactly 24/7, but close enough. Since this was my first professional show, I was honestly open to anything and everything. And I can honestly and truthfully say that I lucked the fuck out with my director, stage manager and my cast mates. They were all SUCH incredible people. Everyday was such an incredible joy for me. It felt like another life for me where I could just forget about all of the stress and pain of everyday life...and also just all the shit that I have to deal with by being myself, you know? God, it was just such a relief to get away and create something. Fuck. It was so much fun. I mean, of course there were bumps and minor issues (one of the girls COMPLETELY freaked the fuck out...and then one of them turned out to be incredibly narcissistic and kind of out for herself..but that is neither here nor there!!)...but man. It really will go down for me as one of the best times of my life. 

Then came the shows. And I am telling you. There is NOTHING like performing in front of a live audience. The relationship that you have with each individual audience member...holy man. I fucking love it so much. And the girls I got to work with!! AGH! I love them so much. Despite some of their weird ass shit...I love them so so much. Hahah I kind of feel like a freak trying to talk to them everyday like an obsessive exboyfriend....I cant help myself! I was so lucky to have met them and created such incredible fire with them onstage. I will cherish them in my heart for the rest of my life. That I know to be true. 

By acting with them and doing this show, it sort of showed me the type of people I want to surround myself with...strong, capable, brave, truthful, hilarious, flawed, artists. I figured out that I need to be surrounded with MINDFUL people with an examined lifestyle. If I have learned anything about this world, its that there are too many people in it mindlessly going through the motions.....look at what happened in the states! THAT is the result of a huge percentage of the country choosing to live a life on auto-pilot of sorts without really looking at themselves or what they are living for!

I am at the point where I am deeeeepppp in crippling debt. I am talking $42,000....probably more! I mean thats just for Alberta! I don't even know what I owe Canada for fuck sakes. And I am working my ass off trying to pay rent..I havent even made a fucking DENT in that big ass payment....But the thing is..I have never been this conscious in my whole dang life. I am so awake. And I am so aware of what I am living for and why. And honestly...I understand that life isn't always going to be ‘happy schmappy tutus’...but if I am not COMPLETELY happy with certain aspects in my life, I AM GOING TO CHANGE THEM. I refuse to live a life of ‘doing the right thing’ or pleasing others out of obligatory feelings or politeness...We have one life dude. And I am going to FUCKING LIVE IT. 

Which brings me to the quote that I have chosen for this entry...again...to reiterate...it is from the HBO series Girls....yes..I am OBSESSED. Only because it is such a truthful portrayal of what its like to be a god damn human being with flaws and choices. This particular quote stuck out BIG TIME for me. Because its fucking true. And that is how we all need to look at pain and hurt. Yes. Its going to hurt. And times are going to be very hard sometimes...but its worth it in the end. And we will always remember that pain because we will have learned from it. And changed. And grown. PAIN=CHANGE=GROWTH=LIFE. Fuck man. Like I said before, we gotta feel all the pain to feel all the happiness and joy. They go hand in hand. When you live an examined life, you feel pain, but you feel happiness....and that is something that I will never change. I cannot live the ‘content life’. I have seen what it does to people. 

Yes. I fell in love this year...he ended up breaking my heart, but what broke my heart even more is that he chose to live the ‘content’ life. When the show was over, I had the time to gather my thoughts and sit with myself again. To be honest I kind of had a little bit of a relapse of anxiety...it was scary, but very much needed I think...because I realized that the person I had “fallen in love” with had chosen to live an unexamined life. To suppress his true feelings and desires and instead live his life in a dead zone...why? To look good on instagram and Facebook? To please his family? “Look mom and dad! I have been with the same person for 10 years!.....and I am completely dead inside and don't even know who I really am”. That fucking killed me. Knowing that he is alone right now and doesn't even know it. That there are MILLIONS of people out there living their lives like that!! FUCK! 

And I am not saying that every person in long term relationships feel dead inside. Certainly not. There are so many happy ones...because they are living their lives MINDFULLY! And they aren't compromising who they are or what they want from their life for their partner. Or maybe they are...I don't know...All I know is, when I find my person (or people...if I am being totally honest I dont know if its even humanly natural for us to be with ONE person for the rest of our life...how will we continue to grow?) we will live our lives as MINDFUL PARTNERS. I will listen and help them achieve their dreams...and they will help me live mine. It will be a lively, always growing, ever changing beautiful garden being tended to by the two of us together. ...not a dead cement box being controlled by one another with manipulating tricks of codependency. 

I think now...I can finally see that. I am on a COMPLETELY different plain than the guys that I thought I wanted to be with. I need to let them all go. I need to give myself permission to need and want more out of my partner. I need someone who is mindful and risky and full of life and willing to REALLY live it. I cant be with someone who cares about ‘things’ and looking good more than experiences and living life. 

I need another artist. 

[dean-you-assbutt-cas-loves-you]

Some fic recs for you guys ♥ These are the ones I read during the months of December and January. There’s also 2 christmas fics (the last 2) 

[13 fics]

The Choices We Make [NC-17, 17k, spn verse]

Castiel, now human, faces the decision of whether or not to step up and fight along side the Winchesters. He knows the life of a hunter is far from easy, yet Castiel's existence has been anything but easy, after all. In time, they will find out whether the former angel's choice was the right one or doomed to end in failure.

Your Favorite Hello [NC-17, 28k, au]

Accounts Manager Dean Winchester and CPA Castiel Novak have been working at the same large company for several months, only interacting through office IM. Then a typo on an expense report leads to an unexpected phone call that results in a simmering crush on both ends of the line, despite neither knowing what the other looks like. Office romances typically never work out, especially when one of them has a slightly bad (though undeserved) reputation, and the other has a slightly bad track record with lovers. But their first face-to-face meeting at the company Christmas party makes them both willing to give it a go. Through a whirlwind romance, Dean wonders if they're moving too fast, and Castiel worries that he's opening himself up for another devastating heartbreak. Together, it turns out that sometimes good things do happen.

A Crash Course in Someone Else's History [PG-13, 11k, spn verse]

Castiel is captured inside a trapping circle of holy oil set by Dean and Sam Winchester. The brothers call him "Cas", claiming that he has amnesia and that he is obligated to help them take down Crowley to atone for his betrayal of them. It's the strangest story Castiel's ever heard, and one he doesn't have time for because he's only just raised Dean from Hell and has work to get back to.

Building a Memory [PG-13, 33k, spn verse]

Who is Dean Winchester? When you get past the childhood trauma, militaristic upbringing, and crippling codependency with his brother, not to mention the unhealthy coping mechanisms, what’s left?

When Dean wakes up in a hospital, banged up and absolutely no memory of himself or his life, maybe he’ll get the chance to redefine himself. Especially since those around him refuse to tell him who he used to be.

Five Years [NC-17, 10k, spn verse]

Diverges from canon after 11x20. After Chuck defeats Amara and takes Lucifer back to Heaven, Castiel stops talking.

Translation  [G, 27k, spn verse]

When Cas arrives at the Bunker, clearly ill, and keeps having trouble remembering Dean or Sam or English, the brothers have to resort to a spell which paints Cas in sigils in an effort to anchor him to his own memories.

The brothers aren’t prepared to experience Cas’ memories for themselves. Through events they thought they knew and ones they didn’t know existed, Sam and Dean will have to face the fact that with the years between them, and even with Dean secretly learning Enochian, they still haven’t fully translated Castiel.

If this works, they will have Cas with them and a whole new understanding, but the full extent of what it means to be Cas might be more than Dean can handle.

The Choices We Make [NC-17, 17k, spn verse]

Castiel, now human, faces the decision of whether or not to step up and fight along side the Winchesters. He knows the life of a hunter is far from easy, yet Castiel's existence has been anything but easy, after all. In time, they will find out whether the former angel's choice was the right one or doomed to end in failure.

One White Lie [G, 11k, au] 

Castiel takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t need to run through what he’s going to say – he’s already planned and edited and rehearsed it a thousand times. He is going to ask Dean Winchester out to dinner. If it’s not too forward, he’ll say, perfectly charming. You see, I’ve seen you around the neighbourhood and you always seem so earnest and I’d really like to get to know you bette— The door swings open, and Castiel panics.

He intends to excuse himself. He means to apologise and come back some other time. However, in a moment of blind fear, what comes out of his mouth instead are the words, “Could you spare a moment for Jesus Christ?”

Trope Springs Eternal [NC-17, 41k, spn verse] 

Dean's in love with Cas. Cas is in love with Dean. That much is obvious to everyone who sees them. But instead of acting on it, these two idiots seem bound and determined to score gold medals in the pining olympics. The staring, the longing, the unresolved sexual tension that's strong enough to combust and engulf the planet…is there anything that can push them out of their safe, cowardly positions? Leaving them to their own devices hasn't worked so maybe it's time to pull out the big guns.

Once Upon A Time in a Disney Store [G, 23k, au] 

When Castiel Novak gets sick and loses his voice for a few days, he comes up with a clever trick to explain his lost voice to the kids in the Disney Store he works at. One little Mary Winchester, however, takes his note too serious and promptly starts a quest for his prince. Will her charming uncle be able to break the curse and be his one true love?

Part Of Your World [NC-17, 37k, au] 

A Little Mermaid AU

As per angelic tradition, Castiel is given one day on Earth to spend among humanity. But he didn't expect to spend that day falling in love with Dean Winchester.

When Castiel returns to his post in heaven, he can't get Dean out of his head. He makes a deal.

Castiel has three days to make the man fall in love with him, or lose his grace.

I Choose This [PG-13, 21k, spn verse] 

They almost kissed, but he had to open his mouth and ruin it all. Dean wanted to fix it, and Christmas seemed like just the time to set things right. Hopefully, Cas can stop hunting Lucifer for long enough to join them at Jody's house for the holiday season.

Serendipity [G, 23k, au] 

Stuck on opposite sides of the country, Dean and Cas make big sacrifices to be together at a special time of the year. However, when they realise that their joint idea of paying a surprise visit to each other's faraway home has left them still trapped miles away from each other, they have to find some way to meet in the middle - and it has to be before midnight if it's going to be perfect...