undyinghappinessblog

[undyinghappinessblog]

Working through difficult emotions.

Oh hello. Its been a minute since I have written here. It seems like any time that I come on here, it kind of turns into a catch-up session. So. If that's what happens here today, then cool. Lets get caught up. 

So. Its been an...interesting couple of months. Hahaha I mean. Fuck. So pilot season has come and gone. I had a few auditions for very small, one-liner roles.  Which first of all,  I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR. I am happy that I was able to see some casting directors that I haven't seen yet and I was happy to have at least one audition a week for a good....month ish? HOWEVER. (I dont like that this is how I feel, but I am learning in therapy that it is important to acknowledge all emotions.) Anyway, however, I can't help but feel that I want more, bigger opportunities, you know? I am obviously happy with any sort of audition, but dude, I also know that I am not working my ass off on myself and my craft to not be receiving bigger opportunities. I also know that I am good enough to GET bigger audition opportunities. (I was about to say that ‘I am better than the single line auditions’, but I dont want to get too ahead of myself..or too big headed...Even though, I TRULY know that I could do it!!). 

SPEAKING OF BIG HEADED. So while I was praying and hoping and trying to manifest bigger auditions for myself, my fucking roommate WAS OUT THERE GETTING ALL OF THEM. One thing you gotta know about my roommate is that she and I are VERY different. Physically ( I am a six foot, white, red head, she is a tiny, curvy, beautiful mixed woman), politically, personality wise, etc. We are just fuckin different. So, I understand from a casting perspective why they would bring her in more-they are FINALLY (slowly) starting to have accurate representation of what the fuckin population of the planet is like (I won't be happy until they start casting more people who identify as First Nations, but I digress). That being said, as happy as I am for this change, I am finding it very difficult to be happy for my roommate who has tendencies to act entitled, and receives opportunities in a very different way than I would. Long story short, her responses to certain situations seem very ungrateful, narcissistic, self absorbed and just completely disrespectful to me. 

Being in such close quarters with someone who is SO different from me has been very challenging to say the least. First of all, I am finding it difficult to justify why the universe would reward someone with such selfish (in my opinion) perspectives. Secondly, it has just been hard to see someone like that get everything that I want in life. Sometimes I (dramatically) feel like she is LITERALLY living the life that I want, or that all of the things that I have been praying for and manifesting have been given to the wrong person, you know? Like because she is literally RIGHT above me-her room is above mine-she has been receiving all of the gifts that I have been asking for from the universe. 

Okay, obviously, I am aware that these thoughts are completely delusional and are also a result of my anxiety and perpetuating self doubt that has been deeply engrained in me from trauma in my childhood. 

Situations like these have given me an opportunity to look at how I view myself, how I view other people, how I view how the world works, how I view life. With this particular situation, I have learned that:

a) My roommate has shown me a perfect example of how I DON’T want to be. As an actor and as a human being. 

I will ALWAYS be kind to extras on set. I will ALWAYS feel grateful for any acting opportunity, no matter the size of the role or the fucking trailer. I will ALWAYS be understanding and patient with other actors who are having a hard time remembering lines on set. I will ALWAYS put the importance of the story before my ego and my want to ‘look good’. I will ALWAYS take responsibility for the amount of work I need to do to tell a story truthfully. I will ALWAYS keep that responsibility for myself and no one else. 

b) I had been raised to believe that you must work hard in life to receive what you want. Nothing will be given to you and life will be very very hard for me always. 

The second lesson is particularly interesting (and actually quite bleak to realize). This isn't always true. Of course there is the obvious truth that yes, in some instances, working hard for what you want in your life can and most of the time DOES result in getting what you want. However, there are instances where things simply ARE given to you. Especially in this industry. Many things and opportunities are given and will continue to be given to people because of how they look. Now, depending on how I look at it, this lesson can either make me or break me. I can choose to see that the world is backwards and rewards beautiful people for simply being beautiful-even if the beautiful person is less beautiful on the inside. OR. I can choose to see that yes, beautiful people will be chosen. But not for their talent. These people may get the roles, but they won't get the wisdom or the lessons of humility that you get when it takes more than looks to land the role. 

Ultimately, perhaps the universe grants people with things because they TRULY believe in themselves, regardless of how ‘hard’ they have worked for it. 

I have had many realizations through very heavy therapy lately. I have realized that because I was a child raised in constant abuse and many years of trauma and very difficult situations, I had developed a habit of seeing myself as worthless without any valid words to say. Constantly apologizing for myself simply because of the fact that I was and am the way that I am. I have always been taught to take the hard way, because that's how life is going to be. But by living with someone like my roommate, it has taught me that life doesn't always have to be that way. I dont always have to struggle, I dont always have to work hard in order to receive something that I want. I can be gifted with an opportunity and deserve that opportunity simply because of who I am. 

I already have the work ethic down. I am now in the midst of loving myself and taking care of myself in a way that I always needed as a kid. Believing that I deserve things simply because I am me. Letting everything else fall into place instead of forcing what I was taught to believe. 

I think my job, right now is to love and care for myself. And the biggest thing that I can do in order to achieve this is to let go, block out the hate and just believe in myself. 

I do. 

[undyinghappinessblog]

Excuse me while I take out my trash.

Hi. Fuck. Okay so obviously its been a while...but I gotta get this shit OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD. So here it is. 

Okay so I have really fucked up anxiety man. And I know that I am not the only person who experiences this, but because it is so fuckin stigmatized, I feel like I am the only one who has it like this. Which, I admit is ignorant and realllyyy narcissistic, but man. With all of this fuckin social media shit with people sharing their fuckin auditions, and when they book roles and photoshoots, and beautiful parties and houses and shit, it makes me feel like I am a loser and I question why my life doesn't look like that. As if something is wrong with me and my life because my fuckin instagram doesn't look like fuckin ‘Jasmine’s instagram. And it doesn't help that I AM GETTING NO AUDITIONS. AND NO BITES FOR A NEW AGENNNTTTT. I feel like I am wasting my life and all of these things are moving so fast past me like a scene in the fuckin Matrix while I am stuck in one spot and I cant move forward with everyone else while they are off being successful. Okay. Breathe.

Okay so now that bit is out, I have been experiencing CRAZY anxiety before class. Like to a point where I become so aware of myself that I feel like I am looking at myself from inside of my head and I am screaming “OHHH GOD I AM TALKING. OH MY GOD AM I SAYING RIGHT? OH FUCK I HAVE TO GET THIS OVERWITH I AM SO SCARED EVERYONE IS LOOKING OH FUCK IM SPEAKING IM SPEAKING IM SPEAKING”. I’ll even get it when I am being the reader. Like...when the attention is on someone else and the work is about them, I am fucking worrying about how I sound, or making sure that I am looking at the person in the ‘right’ way, or wondering if the other person is thinking I look like or sound like an idiot or a freak. I am COMPLETELY outside of myself and not connecting or being present with the other person. I think what I need to do is focus ALL of my attention on the person across from me and just try to be in that scene. I owe it to the story and quite frankly, I owe it to myself. Fuck. I dont like this fuckin anxious version of myself. Like I just want her to shut the fuck up and pipe down. Like. I know that she will always be there and be apart of me, but its not serving me in ANY way or ANY aspect of my life. I think I just need to recognize when she is rearing her fuckin obnoxious and ugly ass head and just TRUST in myself. And KNOW that I can do this. And that I dont need to operate from that place of fear and know that I have control over it. She will still be there, but. I will be in control and in charge. 

Fuck, lastly. I gotta figure out how the fuck to handle my dad. Hes always had problems with handling his depression and taking care of himself, but fuck man he places so much of it on my sister and I. And honestly, I cant be responsible for it anymore. Its not that I dont want to, because I do. I want my dad to be happy. I want to have a healthy and good relationship with my dad. But its so fuckin hard when he tries to unload shit on me and looks to me for answers that I dont have and I shouldn't have. And like. Its affecting me. Like. I put off shit in my life and things that are out of my own interest and my own health so that I can try to make him happy. How fucked up is that. I cant do that for anyone. If I want to become more confident and trust in myself, I have to be able to put myself first and not look back. I think its time that I start my own life in that way. I cant keep doing shit for other people or to make other people happy because I will never give myself the chance to look at what I want or what makes me happy. It puts me in a position where I dont even know what those things are for me and thats not something that I want for myself anymore. 

I’m going to start trusting myself and acting out of that trust. Because shit man. I am smart enough to know that life is too short to waste it on making other people happy. You lose yourself, your self worth and your fuckin lust of life. And I have gone through too much trash and shit to lose that. I am still young, and I am stopping this bullshit right now. 

So. Anxiety and self deprecating thoughts: Fuck off. Theres a new fuckin way of being in this world and you are not going to control me anymore. I dont care how cheesy or stupid that sounds. I am so smart. And so strong. And so wise. And so funny. And so worthy. And I dont need you anymore. Or want you to be around anymore. 

I trust myself. 

I know myself. 

I am enough. 

I am going to take care of and love myself. 

So fuck you and goodbye. 

[undyinghappinessblog]

Oh Hi!

Oh hey. Haha fuck I sound like my 6 year old self...”Oh hey diary! How are you? Sorry I havent written in a while..” But....yeah. I haven’t. So I think I have quite a few things to catch myself up on. 

I am not really sure if the reason I have’nt been writing. It think its a combination of being really busy (I moved, my cousin got married, my grandma Betty passed away, Ive been working two jobs pretty consistently, I’m still in acting classes, I’m trying to find a new agent) mixed with the fact that I am seeing a therapist once a week, so I guess a lot of the things that I would find myself writing about on here are being worked out with a professional in the real world. 

The trouble with being so busy, is everything kind of tends to feel like its coming at you at a warped hyper speed, you know? Like I feel like a lot of the time I dont have the luxury or the time to really process anything or be in the present moment because I’m too busy worrying about what needs to be done, or I am working....Its something that I have been trying to work on in therapy. I am also meditating before I go to sleep at night-trying to be present and also boost my self confidence. And when I finally DO have a minute to process things, I find myself being really tired and needing to lie down and close my eyes. Its really hard to find that time for me, and I am learning more and more that that time is something that I really need to find a way to prioritize. Finding time to just be with myself and not be distracted by thoughts of what I ‘should’ be doing or what I need to do in the next couple of days, you know? 

I also find myself getting a little sad and scared that I am too busy worrying and stressing and working myself so hard that I am missing out on moments that are more important...Like genuine time with myself or my friends. Really enjoying time in the moment with little things like the sun, blue skies, leaves blowing in the wind, reading a book, painting, writing, etc. 

Anyway..I guess that was just a really long winded way of me saying ‘I have been really busy’. 

So...I’ll just give a quick recap of the past couple of months. 

Okay, so I thiiiiiink I wrote about working on ‘Sacred Lies’ on my last post? But just in case, I will give a quick little refresher. So I got cast as an SOC principle character on a TV show about a cult...and my roommate Daniel actually got cast too, so it was really nice to have a carpool buddy and someone that I could talk to on set. But it turned out that I was actually okay on my own too. The cast was really nice and I ended up making some pretty cool friends with a couple of them. 

Its been prettttyyyy much dead for me since then though. So in terms of acting, I have been unemployed since April. And I knooowwww that I should feel liucky for the opportunity-AND I DO!!!. Its just, I am starting to feel a little antsy...and wanting to get back on something...anything!! I’ve said it many times before, but its really hard for a woman to navigate through this industry. And I’m not even a fuckin minority- I know I have white privelage, and I feel shitty saying this, but....Its been really tough for me as a woman in this industry in the past few months, man. 

Like. I am just going to rant here for a sec. Since Sacred Lies, Daniel has booked 3 more shows and has gone down to LA twice to see casting directors and shit. And I have had....maaayybe 3 auditions? I wanna say 2 of them were one liners. What reaaallllyyyy bothers me is that I can guarantee that these booking have NOTHING to do with his talent, or his resume (think I have spoken about his weird act-y voice and his horrible, narcissistic attitude). It all has to do with the fact that he is a tall, young looking white guy. THATS IT. 

The thing I dont understand about hollywood is this. They FINALLY make these HUGE blockbuster films starring women and people of colour like ‘Wonder Woman’ and ‘Black Panther’ and ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ and they all make MAAAADDD bank. They are so well received that they break box office records. Which absolutely makes sense because there are people who are FINALLY feeling represented and like they ACTUALLY see themselves in the characters on screen. But they still make so many films that have a 1. pro-dominantly white cast and 2. Most of the main characters are played by WHITE MEN. Like...How many Hollywood Rom-Coms have cast someone who identifies as First Nations as a lead? Someone who identifies as Middle Eastern? Muslim? Asian? Lesbian? Trans? Non-Binary? Truthfully, there are maaannny things about the injustices in this industry that I am not even aware of, and I could be overstepping my boundaries by saying all of this, but man. If I am feeling unrepresented and angry as a white woman, I cannot even IMAGINE how angry many of the minorities feel. Fuck it makes me so angry man.  Honestly, I could talk about this for hours until my head blows up or I throw my fucking computer across the room, so I am just going to stop there by saying this. More people of colour need to be cast (especially First Nations actors!!), more women need to be given larger roles and more women need to write, direct, produce, AD, edit, sound design-every single role in film needs more women. Period. 

Okay moving on. My cousin Alex got married this summer! Fuck that was emotional. The whole experience was just so lovely and happy and so much fun. She was married on the lake that we grew up spending our summers on. There was a lot of smoke from forest fires, but it was still so beautiful. Our family was there and it was amazing. I was Maid of Honour (My sister was supposed to be there as Co-maid of honour with me, but she was at school already, down in the states, so she couldn't be there.) and I was also the MC. I was really stressed about it at first, but once I had a few drinks in me, I felt better and had alot of fun (I think the guests had fun too...unless they were all just pretending to laugh at all of my jokes...). I gotta say though, I am not a huge fan of her husband. He’s not friendly, very needy and relies on her too much and their relationship reminded me a lot of what my parent’s looked like when I was growing up. Plus his family is fuckin trash (His bother and his brother’s girlfriend ended up getting in a huuggeee fight the night before the wedding and the cops were called, so Alex’s husband ended up calling her and asking her to come get her...) Anyway. Their relationship isn't any of my business...and as hard as it is to see someone I love be married to someone I dont particularly like or respect, I gotta let it be and hope for the best for her. 

My grandma Betty also recently passed. Which was very sad. I’ve experienced death and loss before, but it was when I was younger. This was the first time that I experienced death as an adult. When I think about how my sister and I got through what we did when we were kids, I just...I dont know how in the hell we did it. Becuase my grandma had dementia, and was very unwell and not herself, when I got the call, I was almost relieved. Obviously I was very sad. But I also felt strangely grateful for the time that I had with her and I also felt very lucky to have someone like her watching out over me. Like I FINALLY had someone in my corner. I still cant believe that she's gone. Saying that she ‘passed away’ is still so strange to say. 

Anyway...thats pretty much it. Lots of life happened in the past couple of months. Lots of crying, anxiety, laughs, reminiscing, hoping, meditating, painting, more crying, more anxiety...just lots of life man. 

I gotta say though, instead of ending this on a note of desperately hoping for ‘something good to happen’ by masking it with “manifesting”, I think I’m going to end it by saying this instead. 

I am going to take better care of myself. And be kinder to myself. I think that something good will come out of that regardless. Whether it be through acting or just my relationship with myself. For once in my life, I am going to take care of myself. Everything else comes secondary (at least for now) and will happen as its supposed to, according to the universe. 

And by saying that, by putting myself first, I think everything I have ever wanted for myself will come when its ready and in a healthier and more welcomed way. 

Okay. Thanks.

[undyinghappinessblog]

I want moooorrreee

Okay coooool!! SO I have a couple of things that I need to catch us all up on....Here we go.

Alright. SOO I have been seeing an art counsellor for the past 3 weeks (aside from the days that she has been on vacation-and honestly I feel like I need to go back asap!!) and it has been helping me so friggen much man. I tend to be in my head alot of the time (can you tell?) and by just verbalizing my insecurities and anxieties to someone who I dont feel burdened with friendship/politics is fucking helping me by insane amounts.

Since then, I have already been able to find a routine that I can get myself into for auditions with minimal anxiety and (sometimes) ACTUAL FOCUS. Which is huge for me, because my brain can be all over the friggen place a lot of the time and I often find it difficult to really focus.....not only on things at hand, but with plans and directions that I really want to go in my life.....ANYWAY. It has been really helping me a lot.

With that being said, I booked another role on a TV show!! FRIGGEN FABULOUS!!!! It is another very small role and I have ZERO lines, but I get to be on set for 3 days (two more than last time! MOVING UP!!!) and I get to be on two episodes of the show!! I have already shot a day with the cast and crew on set, so I have two more days ahead of me!!

The EXTRA hilarious wink from the universe on this one is....remember that roommate/actor friend of mine that I was complaining about and being jealous of in my last couple of posts? WELL HE IS ON THAT SAME DAMN SHOW. I will admit that I was incredibly jealous as fuccckkk as him and his opportunities that he is getting, because I FUCKIN WANT THOSE THINGS TOO!! I WANT TO HAVE 3 SELF TAPES TO MEMORIES BY MONDAY! I WANT TO HAVE A MANAGER DOWN IN LA!! I WANT TO HAVE A FRIGGEN SPEAKING PRINCIPLE ROLE ON A WELL WRITTEN TELEVISION SERIES!!! FUCK. Alright. There. I said it all and its out. Anyway, as I was saying, even though I was jealous of him and his bigger-than-mine-trailer, it was really nice to have him on set as a pal and someone I could feel a little less like an alien/noob/loser/dayplayer and more of an actual cast member. It has been friggen cool as fuck, I gotta say. ‘

But the thing is, I feel like a complete fuckin shiit head. Because even though I can acknowledge the fact that this is HUGE and fuckin awesome and I am so fuckin lucky and I am loving every minute of it, I still cant help but want MORE. Because I DO!! I WANT FUCKIN MORRREEE MAN!! And i am not sure why, but I feel ashamed of myself for wanting more!! Because even though this is all amazing and great, I want to do more and be more and do more!!! Why do I feel like a shit head saying that though??? I think its because it could be an excuse or my demons trying to keep me from getting there.

And I think that in order to move forward and get to that place that I want to be and keep moving up, I have to accept that fact that I tend to listen to those stupid demons and green monsters with talk like “I’m too tall, not good enough, not pretty enough, not the ‘type’, not in the right place at the right time, etc.”.....but the thing is, I fuckin know that I can do this!!! I am doing this already, you fuckers (not you..the naysayers in my head). And fuck if I am not in the right place, the right height, the right “look”, any of those stupid excuses...I am going to keep working my ass off to get to that place and BE what they are looking for. I will BECOME what they are looking for, because I was born to do this, I am good at this, and there isn't anyone who can tell me that I cant, or that I am not good enough. Because I fuckin am, and I fuckin can and I FUCKING WILL.

So I am going to keep working and keep pushing and keep working on myself and classes because I know I can do it. I won't let those voices take me down, I know I am worth it, I am a fuckin force to be reckoned with, not something to stomp on on your way out.

So watch out guys, because I am like a fuckin bull in a china shop and I have no where to go but forward and up.

[undyinghappinessblog]

Fuck, Am I Jealous?

This meme is literally me right now. Honestly. Like...I dont even want to admit to myself that I am even remotely close to being jealous....

Okay I will give you context. 

SO. I live with two other actors. It can be super dramatic at times with both of them, for different reasons, but for the most part, its pretty great having people at your fingertips to help you do self tapes...that sounds douchey...obviously I like them as people and whatever, but it is pretty great to have these sorts of people in your house because they kind of just ‘get’ you!! 

Anyway..along with the helping hand, you can have deep conversations about the meaning of acting and art itself (which can go in either direction depending on the persons opinion/view of the subject)....And also...there is the whole ‘booking’ thing. 

So I have my opinion on how one should handle it (celebrate, but be humble and try not to rub it in anyones face and try to be sensitive to other actors who may be struggling).....Like when I booked, I was happy and excited, but I kept that to myself when it came to my roommates for the most part, because I knew that they hadn't booked anything...Mind you when I say that, it makes me want to tell myself “Dude, who cares about being sensitive to other people! Does anyone do that for you?? Don’t hold back for anyone, man.”

So when the day came where my roommate booked his first role, he kind of gloated about it...I mean, I was happy for him! I bought him a cake and everything!! And I mean...I probably COULD have been more supportive....genuinely supportive....because inside I was kind of angry that he booked something...I mean! Its not fair!! He does work really hard and he's a very sweet human, but the way that he views acting...its just not....I dont know...maybe its because its not the way that I see it?? Anyway...he was just super bratty and gloat-y and saying things like “6 years ago I would have never thought I would be a successful actor!”...DUDE 6 YEARS AGO YOU WERE LITERALLY 14. SHUT UP. 

Fuck man...and then he proceeds to be like “I am really fucking good at what I do”....LIKE. DONT....I dont know...I realize by saying this that I am honestly just jealous. For real....

I think its just because I, myself am so impatient...because I have been working for what feels like a long time (even though its literally only been 2 years)....and then this kid gets a fuckin role with his unclear ‘actor’ voice and his comments and ‘poo-poo’ing on theatre arts?!?! (After telling him that I had a Bard on the Beach audition, he made the comment “Its just bard. Theatre arts are stupid”. I was furious. And honestly really hurt. He made me feel like what I was doing was stupid/less than what he was doing.) I dont get it...maybe its because he's a fuckin tall white dude. 

Fuck this whole thing also kind of makes me feel like a sag of crap...because if I am being really honest with myself, I do work hard, but..I could definitely work harder....I tend to do things last minute..I could do better. I could be better. So I guess..I really shouldn't complain.....But fuck it, thats what this page is for man, venting and working shit out. 

So, I admit it. I am jealous....but I also know that I could work harder and put more of myself out there...so...I guess I just gotta stop comparing myself to others and spend more time on working on myself and my own shit. 

Its not fair, but....its alright. Because I will get mine too. I just gotta be patient. 

[undyinghappinessblog]

Thank you Universe, for presenting safe and timely places to unabashedly fuck up

Loooollll wellll THAT was an experience. 

Remember my last post? The one where I am ranting about how I NEED that acting fix??? Well I mean, I still do, but I gotta come at it from a completely different angle. Hahaha and I learned that the hard way this week in my last class. 

So I took a 9 week women's lab acting class. And it was amazing!! My instructor brought in women from the industry and who had been doing it for a while, they answered all of the questions that were BURRRNNING my soul and they really reminded me that you gotta stay grounded and supported in order to succeed and stay sane in this business. THAT, and I reaaalllyyy fucked up hahah. 

Alright so, I havent really had a chance (nor have I given myself one) to sort of hash out and talk about what happened in my life and how its affected me. This has resulted in an intense case of anxiety for me in maaaanny circumstances...I panic and jump to conclusions and rush and never really take my time because I am too busy panicking. And lately, I have found that its really starting to bleed into my acting. Which fucking ssssuuuuuuucccckkksssssss. I will all of a sudden become INCREDIBLY aware of myself and freak myself out with thoughts like “Oh god...IM ACTING....THEY ARE WATCHING OH GOODDDDD WHAT WILL I SAY NEXT OH GODDDD”...and then its like..I am paralyzed...and I forget words and slur and its a fuckinnn meeessss!!! 

I first experienced it last summer on the musical I worked on..I was on stage and I wanted to say my lines, but something else came out instead...I freaked the fuuuccckkk out and panicked. I experienced it again in my last class when I performed a piece that was directed by another girl in the class. I was meant to lip sync a rap and I got half way through and I compleeettteellyyy lost the lyrics. I should have kept going and just faked it, but I dropped out and was literally like “I FORGET EVERYTHING GUYS”. Fuck..it was AWFUL. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and so upset that I ruined the piece for my partner. I could tell my teacher was disappointed in me...or maybe I am just being insecure..I dont know...either way it was terrible....especially because I had done it perffeeecctttttly 383842 times before.

But after experiencing that, I learned the biiiggest lesson. Man, you really gotta take care of yourself and pay attention to what YOU need as an actor. And without judging yourself!!  I learned that it doesn't matter what kind of performance it is, or who is watching, I have to get myself COMPLETELY grounded with a warm up or a calm down deal. I am a panic-prone person and I cant just go into something cold turkey. And that is okay!! It was a really great reminder to myself that I gotta stop comparing myself to others and how they work and get back to looking after myself and focusing on how I work and without judging myself. So what if I need a minute to warm up and get grounded?? I NEED EXTRA TIME AND ITS OKAY. I FUCK UP. I PANIC. I GET OBSESSIVE. AND ITS OKAY. 

I gotta say though..I am so fuckin glad it all happened. Because I guarantee you that I will NEVER do that again and I will find a way to manage the anxiety and panic attacks. I’m going to focus on getting myself better with my self esteem, but also with accepting help when I need it. And assssskkiinnggg for it when I need it. I immediately emailed counsellors in the city so I can start to work on taking better care of myself and having more trust and faith in myself. Had this not happened in class, who knows where the fuck I could have freaked out. It was the safest and best place to fuck up and freak out.

 So. Thank you universe for presenting me with this opportunity to fuck up, and learn to make myself better, healthier and happier. I’m starting to see that you have my back. 

Hahahahahah as embarrassing and fuckin shitty as it was in the moment, it was a much needed reality check for me. It reminded me that although I have come a long way, I still have a loootttt longer to go...AND THAT IS OKAY. I may not be at Meryl Streep or Emma Stone level yet, but thats okay because I am at a Paige level....and I don’t want to be anywhere else. It also in a weird intuitive way showed me and reaffirmed the fact that I will get there and reach my goals (this I am fuckin 100000% sure of. I will ABSOLUTELY get where I want. ALL of my goals will be reached), I just have to take my time and not rush it or question it or try to force it or plan it!! I don’t want to know HOW I get there, I just KNOW and TRUST that I will. 

I gotta take it as it comes without judgement and take it with patience, grace, commitment and gratitude. 

That, and a full grounding warm up ;)

[undyinghappinessblog]

I am starting to finally see how to do it.

Fuuuccck I am in this fuckin shit storm of what feels like...intense withdrawal. I am becoming so obsessed with trying to get out there with my acting. And I dont want to take away from the fact that I had a very successful year in 2017. I know that I am so lucky, and I worked really hard to get to where I am now, but shiiiiiit man. They aren't kidding when they say how patient you need to be. 

Like I said, the only way I can really describe it is that I feel like I neeeeeeed a new project/to get into it and make a good fuckin movie. Or be apart of a good fuckin movie. Its all I can think about. Its all I can see, its all I want and need to do. 

I have been watching/studying Adam Driver and Timothee Chalamet’s careers (normally, I would favour a female for obvious reasons in the industry, but these two just so happen to have careers that I really want to emulate) a lot lately and they have everything on their resumes that I want to achieve. Blockbuster hits, HBO feminist shows, groundbreaking performances in films that are pushing the envelope and changing the way that people look at film and the circumstances within them. Not to mention their acting style man. Holy Shit

These two could not be more different physically (Adam Driver is literally like 7 feet tall and he is a big guy...Timothee Chalamet reminds me of a ballet dancer...he’s petite and slight), but they both have this incredible sense of freedom with their performances. I have noticed in the way that they move and say things. Its like they aren't planning any of it, but you can see that they have put extensive time into these characters and they just completely...surrender themselves to the performance...right down to the the smallest of idiosyncrasies of the characters they play. They really just let go and fucking play, man. It reminds me of that Van Gogh painting...Starry Night? There are so many colours and so much fluidity in everything that they do. It looks so effortless. 

Not to digress or rant, but Adam’s performance in ‘Girls’ is so original...I mean...the things that he does with his body and how he carries himself or delivers a line is...undirectable (I know thats not a word). You literally CANNOT direct or write these sorts of things. Same for Timothee Chalamet in ‘Call Me by Your Name’. The quality of how he carries himself and stays in the moment and just lets this character breathe...I think I am finally starting to realize what it means to put work in and then let it all go. And I have tried this in self tapes before...I mean...obiviously I need to practice more, but...its so much more fun. It feels easier. Its like you know a secret. There isn't any insecurity, or any thought about how you are looking...its literally just being in the moment for that character. You are feeling what they are feeling, but for them...not for you...so its not personal or scary..it just feels right.

Watching their performances makes me realize that this is something that I want to incorporate into how I work. Its just more real. I look at my other actor friends and I realize that they dont have that quality...which scares me because by looking and them and seeing that...they just won't ever get to that place...I am just scared that I may be like them too. I just want to get away from getting stuck in a certain way of acting, you know? Or like...getting stuck on ‘trying’ to be a certain way because you think thats what you have to do. 

But you know what? Fuckin no. I am not like them. I know this craft. Not as well as I want to yet, but fuck man. I know and love this craft like its my best friend. Like its the most precious of treasures that I need to protect and nurture and take care of, but I also want to take it out into the world and show people how incredible and beautiful it is. When I think about how much I love acting, I can feel it in my entire body. Right down to the fibres in my bones...I feel it crawling and living under my skin like a fuckin sickness, man. Which is why I need to fuckin get my fix again. I need that fuckin drug to feed that fire inside of me, and I cant rest or feel complete without it. 

So thats what I am going to do. I am going to continue to work my ass off, to continue to be as truthful and as self sacrificial to this as I can. I will let go of my doubts and replace them with truths of the character. I am going to give my mind and my body over. I will transform and become whatever and whoever I need to be in order to do this. 

By the end of 4 months, I will have something big. I and going to set that right, immediately. I feel like I am on the cusp of something big, and I am fuckin ready for it man. I feel that I have found a big piece of the puzzle/a big cheat by observing actors like Adam and Timothee. 

4 Months. 

[undyinghappinessblog]

Please excuse the longevity of this processing phase.

Alllriiiigghhttt. Haha fuck man. What a time it has been since I last wrote. Fuccckkk. Fuck fuck fuck. So its been a bit of a time for me these past couple of months, let me tell you. Blarg. Okay lets get caught up and then I’ll get to the reason why I need to write tonight. 

So Christmas was a fuckin gong show man. Fuck. I figured it would be like every other time that I have gone home. I always leave feeling sad and attached. I also feel somewhat cleansed, like I had just taken a long bath, or let a heavy blanket lay on me for a long nap. But this time...fuck. It was not like that at all. The only good thing that happened was my relationship with my sister got stronger. 

We ended up having to monitor my dad who was suicidal pretty much the whole time (I mean, apparently...you can never tell with my dad. Like me, and my grandmother, he is a performer of sorts). Because of this, my sister and I had to make sure someone was always there to watch him, not to mention help him pack up his entire farm and move to another town. Yeah. I know. It was a lot. It was exhausting, we never had a chance to just relax and have fun because we were dealing with so much emotional/stressful shit. To top it all off, I ended up crying in my cousins closet on New Years Eve. 

Anyway...it was a fuckin mess and to tell you the truth is still affecting me right now, months later because since then, my dad has already found a new girlfriend. LIKE DID HE NOT LEARN ANYTHING. And on top of THAT, I went to fuckin school with the lady’s kids man, so of course its the town’s latest gossip.

Fuck. And then my cousin is getting married, which is bothering me for some reason. I think its because I imposed this idea that she had to be like me and want to change the way that women do things, you know? She's just marrying this guy so young man. And its disappointing to me. Like..life is just starting. Why would you want to marry a guy who literally smokes weed everyday and works for his dad at a job that he doesn't even like. Let me tell you. If my male cousin were to be in a relationship with a female version of this guy, he would not everrrrr live it down. I dont know. I guess I’m just disappointed that she doesn't want more for herself and seeing her getting caught up in appearing as a good host instead of seeing what really fuckin matters right now...its just frustrating and sad for me. 

Also I feel bad for my sister. She's stuck with my parents at home right now, sort of unaware of what she wants to do with her life. I just wish that I could have her with me all the time, following what I do. That way I know that she would be safe. Obviously thats a selfish thing to say and she probably wouldnt be very happy doing that, but man it would put my mind at ease. I just want her to find something that makes her heart soar like the way acting does for me. I dont want her to feel like she has to settle, or that there isn't anything in the world to offer her, because she deserves it all. I love her so much. 

So yeah. I have been working (my civilian job) since I got back to Vancouver and on top of all of my bottled up stuff from xmas (and probably from just everything that I have ever experienced, honestly), I have been just trying to process it all and be as happy as I can. 

Needless to say, I am still trying to process it all and deal with it best as I can....

Yeah...I gotta do a better job though, dont I?

Ill get to it. 

[undyinghappinessblog]

For her.

Alright. So this moment right now is a huge time for women. HUGE. There is a fucking moron of a president running the most powerful country in the world who is attempting to take away our rights as human beings entirely, which is a very, very scary reality. But whats incredible is that as a result of this fuckin complete mess, women are really starting to speak up. 

The women’s march, #Metoo, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, fuck.Women are standing and speaking up. Its a god damned revolution. And its not only happening in the news and in politics, its happening in the media. Films and shows like ‘Big Little Lies’, ‘The Handmaids Tale’, ‘Lady Bird’, ‘Wonder Woman’, etc are slowly starting to show accurate portrayals of women. Instead of the dumbed-down, sexualized image that has been portrayed through the eyes of the middle aged white man, women are finally starting to tell their own stories, complete with accurate representation. Seeing these women tell their stories shows me that fuck man. As artists, we can change the way that people look at things...the way that they look at people. Artists can change the world. I am so proud to be a female artist in this world today, because I know that I can make a difference and change the way I am seen-the way that we are all seen as women. Its slowly starting. Its going to be a huge revolution, and I cannot wait to get in there and help the change persist. 

[undyinghappinessblog]

Did that just really happen?

Ahhh yes. Hello again. Here I am...again. 

I find myself gradually becoming more and more anxious to write more of these things. It has set of become something of a treat for me, you know? Being able to sit down and record my thoughts and feeling about my experiences in life without any sort of finer or judgement (well other than from my self). I think that becoming more conscious of the fact that letting things out into the universe and out of my head is something that is really important for me to do. 

I have been taking a chakra based sort of class that requires for us to start writing everyday. ‘Morning pages’ is what its called. And although I havent been disciplined in my writing, I will say that even just writing once or twice a week really does help. 

Anyway...Here is what has been happening with me. 

I booked my first real TV role last week. It was so weird man. I didn't have any sort of inkling that I landed it. The role was a ‘one-liner’ Doctor sort of thing, so the audition was quick and short. However, I was very nervous as soon as I got into the room and I left feeling like I had bombed it and messaged my friends with embarrassment. When I was called about booking it, it was almost as if I didn't believe that I was good enough for it. Its a one liner for Christ sake. I thought that it was a sort of “use her, or don’t have anyone at all” sort of situation. I don’t know why. It happens everytime I book a role, or am told that I ‘did a good job’. Weird. 

Anyway. The day before the shoot I waited up pretty much all night for the crew to give me a call time, which ended being given to me at 6:30 the next morning asking for me to be there in an hour...Which would normally stress me the fuck out and maybe get me a little pissy, but I was going to be on a real fuckin TV set, so I didn't care. I was fuckin happy. I got to the location that was given to me, and a shuttle came and picked me up and took me to set. Fuck man. It was so cool. Getting there and being there kind of felt like the first day of school. It was really hard for me to hide the fact that I had no idea what the fuck I was doing or where I was supposed to go. I was scared to ask ‘the wrong’ questions and I found myself panicking a little bit, but not really noticing it until I would see the faces of people I was talking to. They looked at me like I was a noob. Which I am. But still, they saw it on my face. When I got sorted, I was shown to my trailer, which was very small, it had a little bed, a mirror and it was heated. Again, I thought this was so fuckin cool. Because it was, man. I was on fuckin set. I was taken to makeup after, where, I again felt like a new kid on the block. As soon as I sat down in the chair, I saw an actress that I grew up watching sitting literally a chair over, and I was surprisingly okay about it. Seeing people from TV in person is sort of anticlimactic because they are honestly and truly just regular people. I noticed this about all of them. I saw photos of the cast up on the makeup trailer walls and as they came and went, they were literally just regular people.

 After makeup, I was sent to set in the studio. It was fucking huge, man. Multiple sets were built and they were all so big. I got lost on my way out...twice-it was that big. There were a couple of actual practicing paramedics there to teach me how to put an IV in someones arm because this is what I would be doing for the scene. We ran through the action a couple of times, and then I was sent back to my trailer where I warmed up and tried to get myself grounded. The whole day I was just completely blissful. It was the best day. 

When we actually got to shooting, it all went by really quickly and I had so many moments of disbelief that I was actually doing what I had dreamed of doing my entire life with an actress I grew up watching on TV. Had I known that this is what I would eventually do...I dont even know man. It was one of those fuckin moments you get in life. The ones that you wouldn't have ever even imagined to have happened to you. It really just makes you speechless. 

I drove home feeling so content and fuckin grateful and..just...in complete disbelief that it actually happened. 

And after that, I went directly to Washington to shoot a music video about gun violence and women’s voice. 

I fucking love my job. 

[undyinghappinessblog]

Confession Time

Okay, so I may have a sliiiight problem with my obsession of Stranger Things. I’m talking as soon as the season was available, I finished it in literally 9 hours..Like its unhealthy...I’m talking instagram hashtag and youtube interview searches man. Its heavy. But man, its just those kids dude. They are so fuckin good. I mean. They are fucking prime examples of what it looks like to be fully immersed in character and truly loving what you are doing.

I started this post with my confession because I felt so inspired. I realized that I find myself feeling the most inspired at this time of year. I’m not sure if its because of my love of halloween (I wanted to live in Halloweentown and be a secret Cromwell as a child..I would literally go home and make ‘potions’ with sauces I’d find in the fridge after school), or because of the beautiful changes nature is undergoing...I feel so inspired and this show has got me at my peak, man. 

I gotta say, these are the types of shows and stories that I want to make and be apart of, you know? I have been saying for years that shows and films like Stranger Things, Black Mirror, White Bird in a Blizzard, It Follows etc all have that sort of obscure, nostalgic qualities about them that really triggers curiosity and creative inspiration, you know? It does for me anyway. I think that is is the formula that I want to follow for the projects I get involved in and create. Genuine story and dialogue, characters that are just the right amount of flawed and weird that they are impossible not to love, and beautifully strange shots and atmospheres. I love the idea of creating a film or a story that leaves an unsettling feeling or something that you aren't really sure about, you know? I don't know, I may be talking crazy, but I gotta say. These are the styles of storytelling that really get me going and inspire the shit out of me. 

So with that said, I’m gonna get myself working on something of my own..

Wish me luck...

..Fuck..

[undyinghappinessblog]

Catch up

Oh Hiya! 

Fuck man, so its been a couple of months since my last entry and a shit ton of stuff has happened. Like a holy fuck ton of stuff has happened...whoops.. Okay, so consider this a catch up/’Previously on..” segment. Also.. Sorry self for not documenting more. I will try to be better for you. 

Okay here we go. 

Alrigghttt so. This summer was great. Super fuckin busy and hectic, but great. First of all, I turned 24. Yeah...gotta say I definitely felt it this time. Other than when I turned 20 (not a teen anymore...traumatizing) I have never really felt affected by turning another year older, you know? But for some reason, 24 scared the shit out of me...I am sure I will look back on this and laugh...but still. I guess I felt a sort of pang of panic fearing that I won't be able to accomplish all that I want for myself in time...or I’ll be too old. Which is a really stupid thought to have as an artist...ANYWAY I digress. 

I performed a staged reading (with blocking and costumes..basically it was a full show with scripts in our hands) of one of Neil Simon’s plays called ‘Rumours’ with a group of incredibly well practiced and experienced actors. I’m talking multiple movie roles, MA in theatre, roles on Big Eyes, iRobot, Smallville, etc. Like these people know what they are doing. I felt like SUCH a noob right from the beginning (rightfully so, I am still incredibly new to this industry). I gotta say it was the most humbling experience I have had with acting so far. I had a very small role, so I mostly sat and watched during rehearsal until it was my turn to speak (which, when the time came, I completely shit my pants haha). But I gotta say, they were all very gracious and kind and willing to teach me and give me advice (Camille Mitchell in particular...SUCH a wonderfully kind woman-I literally  had two lines in the whole show and she would always say “Paige, you always know how to affect us all when you get on the scene”..like...HOW SWEET IS THAT.). Another really cool thing about working with experienced actors on an equity run show is that there is no drama what so ever. I have been used to seeing actors become very defensive when given directions on their performance (I have even found myself feeling that way at times), but these guys literally just took the direction, changed the delivery and nailed the scene. AH and the stooorrriiiesss. Man the stories they would all tell together and to each other. I could have listened to them for hours on end. See, these actors had gone to school together, done shows together, seen each other through marriages, divorces, tragedy and their love for acting was still so strong and present through it all. It was so lovely to see and it made me feel so hopeful for the survival of this craft and also my own career. It was an amazing experience and I feel so lucky to have had the honour of sharing the stage with them all. 

My roommate and I also made a film this summer. Fuck that was an ordeal. I mean obviously it was so much fucking fun and I want to make more, but holy shit. Making a movie (even if its a short one) is literally like getting ready to have a fucking baby. Like. You need money, you need equipment, you need people to support you, you need permits, you need locations, you need vehicles, you need food, you need costumes, you need a lot of shit. It was stressful man. Haha at one point our house was FULL of camera and lighting equipment, which took hours transporting around. I am really happy and proud to have actually MADE something with people, but fuck. Its a lot of work hahah. I can see why shooting films and shows can take years to make. But at the end of the day, we fuckin made something together. Like. From scratch. And its a film that tells an important story with humour and rebellion and feminism and I am really proud to have been a part of it all. 

After shooting our film, I went straight into Sea of Stories rehearsal in White Rock. Which was another huge learning experience for me. Fuck man what a struggle. You’d think a musical about a fuckin suburban town on the coast of BC would be a snap, right? YEAH, NOPE NOT FOR ME. NOT FOR PAIGE. I have never experienced such insecurity and anxiety about my performance in my life. I’m not sure if it was because of the writing (it was very poorly written..a show about White Rock man...what do you expect?), or the fact that I was working two jobs and trying to do everything at once, but fuck. I could just not connect. I had to have private meetings with my director, I was constantly worried about fucking up, or doing it in a way that wasn't how she wanted it, or getting fired, or being seen as unprofessional, the fuckin works man. I was all in my head and I could not get out. All of my cast mates were there for me and would constantly remind me that I would be okay and that I could do this (I played a woman who buried her baby...WITH AN IRISH ACCENT FOR CHRISTS SAKE..I should have been able to do this). But man I tell you, sometimes, out of fuckin no where, anxiety and insecurity hit you and it is a BITCH to battle with on stage. Fuck. I will say that we got really great reviews, everyone loved it (including Julia Stiles, who was expecting her first child with Jan’s son...she gave Tegan and I hugs saying we were ‘great’ and had ‘beautiful singing voices’...I MEAN THATS PRETTY FUCKIN COOL), and I suppose that is why we do it, right? WE do it for the audiences, and as long as they like it, and we are all doing what we fiercely love, thats all that matters really. I am grateful for the experience and for the people I was able to meet. Despite the anxiety and insecurity I experienced, I wouldn't have changed a thing. It was so much fun and I learned a lot about myself that show. I want to say that I over came an amount of something through the experience...but I’m not sure if i will totally know until I get on stage again...We will have to see!

After the show, I went home for a week to celebrate my sister’s birthday. I havent been there for her birthday in years, and I was ready to come home for a while. But I gotta say, as nice and comforting it was to be home with my family again, there was definitely a sense of sadness and shame for missing out on everything that was happening there when I was gone. My sister is struggling to find her place in the world and my mum is very nervous about her, my cousin (who is literally like my second sister) is getting married, my grandmas are getting older, the kids I used to babysit are getting older...its all just changing so fast and I am not around to see it. Seeing all of this change made me so emotional man. It just made me realize that while I am out here so focused on my career and trying to get involved with as many things as I have energy for, my loved ones are changing...much like I am...it just made me sad to not be there to share it with them and witness it all for myself...

I suppose thats natural though..right?

After coming back to Van, I performed at a small venue just across the street from my place. It was at the back of a restaurant and had a very narrow black box stage. My friend Missy, who I have been doing women’s performance boutiques with for about a year had rented the space, but her original plans fell through and the group of us performed all of our works for four nights. I feel so lucky to be apart of a community of such strong and beautiful female artists to connect with and to look up to and to collaborate with. I felt so connected and protected by and for these women I performed with. I wrote a monologue about what a panic attack felt like for me, which basically ended up being a staged panic attack at a bus stop hahaha. I got a really great response from it by the audience though. People would come up to me saying that they knew what that felt like, and that it was very brave to show such a vulnerable part of myself. But the thing is, I didn't feel like it was brave at all. Or vulnerable...it felt so natural for me to be up there, telling these people my story so openly. Maybe its because anxiety has become such a fuckin prominent thing to deal with in my life and I feel it everyday...I don't know. But hearing from and meeting other people who knew what it felt like made me feel like I was doing something right with my life. Like I am on the right path. Telling stories to connect with other people and making them feel normal and letting them know that they belong somewhere. Its pretty amazing. Fuck man...this is my job...Hahaha how crazy is that? 

Immediately after the boutique, I did a staged reading of Thomas Hardy’s Far from the Madding Crowd with Tegan and a few other great people I was happy to meet and play with for a couple of weeks. I read for the part of Cainy Ball, so my part was smaller, but it was such a fun character to play with and perform. Fuck I love working with Tegan, man. I think she's going to be one of my creative partners in this life. I think we could make gold together...and Im pretty sure we will. I’m going to keep her for a good, long while, I think. 

Alright..so that pretty much brings us up to date! I’ll be back with more when theres a personal crisis or a rant session I need to get off my chest (as I do)!

....Stay...classy?

I’ll come up with a better closing statement..

Fuck...

[undyinghappinessblog]

Two serving jobs. Two plays. Two months. No chill.

Sheeeeeeessh. Fuck. Haha jesus fuck I am tired. I mean. This isn't the most tired I have been physically or emotionally, but...I’s say this is the most tired I've been from doing mindless shitty work that I don't care about. 

So I have two jobs. Which is great! My bills are paid and I can afford to treat myself to the odd splurge, but man. I just feel so dead inside. And yet, I also find myself stressing about these stupid jobs at the same time. For example...I am going to be in two plays this summer (I know, right??? FUCKIN YES!). Which I am totally and 100% so excited about. But I find myself being more stressed about what I am going to do about work more than I am the plays! Like....THATS NOT NORMAL OR GOOD. Isn't that stupid??

Whatever....I am just so tired. 

Someone take me to Disneyland. 

[undyinghappinessblog]

I’m just trying to figure this all out, man.

Well Fuck. So first of all. By re-reading my last entry, I realized that I really, really, really need to write more. Or Journal....whatever the hell this is that I do on here, I need to do more of it. Really. 

So I have been reading these self-help books and spiritual guide books in hopes that I may find some more confidence or....I don't know...Something inside of myself to make me feel..whole..I don't fuckin know. I thought I would give it a try. And the thing is, it doesn't matter what kind of method you choose to use, they all basically say the same thing: believe, visualize, manifest. All of them. And...I am going to sound like a fuckin basic, millennial girl..Or you know what? No. I am not going to sound like anything like myself goddamnit. I have been going to Tarot card readings. Yes. And they fuckin help. They make me feel better! Anyway... Along with the readings, the books and (trying to) meditating as much as I can, I have basically been trying to..I think cleanse myself of the negative energy that I (more often than I want to admit) surround myself with. 

You see, I am just trying to figure myself. and this whole fuckin thing out. And its hard. Fuck its hard. I have found something that I am absolutely IN LOVE WITH. Passionately, whole heartedly, fearlessly, fearfully..I feel so...whole when I am acting. Everything just disappears and I am me. Without question, without any doubts or fears. I am just me. And the thing is, I am FIGHTING to live a life where I can just do that. Everyday. As much as I possibly can. Because when I am acting and creating, nothing else matters and I can see again. God, its like when I’m not acting, its almost as if I am blind, or my vision is blurred and confused with garbage that doesn't matter. I stray from the path that I know is right and made for me. And right now, my vision has mud, and scratches, and rock chips and bird shit and I am finding it so hard to see whats important. 

I have two jobs, which is great for me financially, and frankly, SO necessary. And I thought that it would be something that I could easily adapt to. But fuck. Its hard. And I’m not doing what I fucking want to be doing and what I know I was born to do. And I know that this is just one of the struggles that an artist has to make to get by. But fuck. When I’m not acting, I find myself obsessing over stupid fuckin shit. And stupid fucking guys. I am currently in a situation where I am basically BEGGING this idiot from work to have sex with me. And fuck this guy is an IDIOT. He has zero tact or taste. He still lives with his parents (he is 27), he is currently upgrading so he can become an airplane pilot (which is actually very nice-I am not judging that part), he works at the fucking Sheraton (I do too, but just forget that part for a second here), and he is a fucking pig. Like. His idea of a compliment is “you really do have a fat ass”...like...what the fuck am I fucking doing. I am a goddamn gift from god. (gonna go on a fuckin self-love spree here because my self help books say to-and frankly, I think one of these things are due for me because I never acknowledge these things about myself, so here we go.) and here is why:

1. I am funny 

2. I am tall and beautifully weird and different. 

3. Nobody on this entire planet is like me at all. 

4. I am kinky as FUCK. So horny all the time man. 

5. I make the best out of any situation. 

6. I am a fucking happy person. Like stupidly happy about fucking everything. 

7. I am independent and living on my own (with 2 roommates, but still!)

8. I am a very passionate actor and I give my fucking all to every character I ever have the honour of embodying. 

9. I am kind. And friendly. And Loud. Sometimes..too friendly, too loud, but in the best way. 

10. I will love you so much. With all of my being. If you are my friend or a a family member, or a loved one, or even sometimes strangers...I will care for you so much. Sometimes, too much. 

11. I am ambitious as fuck. I have incredibly high standards for myself and for the people that I care about and I will help in any way that I can to make sure that you get to where you dream to be. 

12. I am a dreamer, but I follow through on those dreams of mine. They are always at the back of my mind and in my heart’s eye. 

13. I get fucking angry, but I forgive easily. (However, I never forget.)

14. I am alive. And Here. Right now, and I take advantage of that everyday. I say what I mean, I say how I feel, I act on impulses, and I fuckin make shit happen because life is too short and I am so unafraid of rejection. Because life is about growing and changing. 

Anyway....after seeing all of this, this fuckin idiot from work is a fuckin idiot. And hahaha I don't even know why I so desperately want him to want me. I just want to have sex. And I am going for the lowest of the low because its easy hahah and simple and right there. Its like...I have grown impatient and tired of waiting for the ‘perfect’ person. And I think its because I know that I can get it if I wanted to, but I am fucking lowering myself to a position where I do not need to stand in. Iam better than what I am making myself out to be everyday. Fuck man. I deserve better than what I am allowing myself to have. I deserve better than what I am allowing myself to see. hahahah fuck this idiot gut from work. hahahah fuck him and his lack of people skills. I am way better than his basic ass. hahahah fuck man. 

Fuck that shit. I am better than all of those shit heads who can't see that I am the best. Because I actually, really am. 

And you wanna know a secret? I think I am actually starting to believe that. Finally. 

[undyinghappinessblog]

I feel it coming..

Alright. So it could either be: A. My period. Or B: another fuckin relapse. Either way. I can feel it coming in my damn body. 

I always seem to go through these strange relapses with relationships and guys. I’m not entirely sure what it means yet..and if I am being honest, I’m not sure if I will ever find out. I mean. I tend to think that it has something to do with a deeply rooted resentment I have with my dad....which tends to reflect on the relationships I have with guys. Or I lean towards the idea that it could be my obsessive personality too....I’m not sure. Either way, it always comes back to me feeling...I don't know, abandoned? No not abandoned...lonely? Unwanted? Left behind? Cast aside? All of the above, I suppose. 

But the thing is, by recognizing this I have realized what I really need from a fucking partner in my life. And I think by attaching myself to these guys who are bad for me, I am keeping myself from meeting the person who is right for me. I think its a way to keep myself from getting hurt...even though I end up getting hurt anyway. 

But the thing is, I don't want to settle down yet. I am not ready to be weighted down by a relationship with an amount of responsibility. I want to be free and fucking able to run away whenever I want and to wherever I want. Now by saying that I realize now that...I think I am afraid of getting tied down because I won't be able to run away. And I think for me, right now, I need to be able to run away when I want to. I don't want to fight for something that might hurt me in the end. Not yet anyway. I'm not ready for that yet. 

In this process, I have also realized that the two guys I though I was in looovee with (which honestly, I probably was!) were so very wrong for me. Especially if I want to grow, change and prosper. And I think, for me, the fact that these two guys ended up being wrong for me...has (consistently) been the hardest thing for me to accept. That the dreams I thought up about them in my head (Us going camping together, watching movies together, telling midnight secrets to each other, fighting and screaming into the early morning together, going to family events together, having babies together-extreme, I know, I will admit- the list can go on and on)..These dreams are not going to come true. They are just dreams and scenarios I made up in my head. I think that part is the hardest for me to realize. 

Its like the scene in ‘Five Hundred Days of Summer’ where it shows a split screen of what the guy wants to happen and what actually happened, you know? I play that stuff over and over in my head thinking “if I send this into the universe, it will happen to me...” even though I know that it isn't the right thing for me. 

Honestly, this is what I need in a partner. I need someone who is conscious. Someone who lives an introspective and examined lifestyle. I am talking about someone who is passionate about their life. Not careful and timid and afraid to change. I need someone who challenges me. Who isn't afraid to fight for his life. Someone who takes risks and takes fucking action. Someone who wants and looks for change. Someone who won't stand idly by, going through the motions because its “the right thing to do”, you know? 

And sadly, as much as it hurts me to admit. Neither H, nor B met any of those standards for me. As much as I tried to change them and make them see glimpses of what the men they could be (for me), they just aren't. Neither of them will ever be capable of giving me what I really need in a partner. I need more. As much as it hurts to know....I need more man. I do. I need more. And I deserve more. 

And i’m gonna find him. 

NO. You know what? He is going to fuckin find me. 

And I am going to blow his mind. 😏

[undyinghappinessblog]

“If it hurts, you will always remember”

Okay yes. These are both references from the god damn hit HBO series ‘Girls’. I am obsessed and absolutely inspired. I will admit it, okay? But I just gotta say. Lena Dunham. Seriously. She is a queen in my life right now. I draw so much inspiration from her and her life. But more about that later...

Okay! Hello!! God I feel like I am in grade 5 again... “Hey diary! Missed you! How are you doing?” Fuck haha. Okay but seriously. Hello.

So the past couple of months have been incredibly busy. And although I thought about writing on more than one occasion, I have’nt actually had the time to just sit and focus (okay thats a lie..I have had time...I just like my fucking sleep, okay??). But seriously. I. Have. Been. Busy...

So February started off with 24/7 rehearsals for the play. Okay it was 10-6, six days a week rehearsal so not exactly 24/7, but close enough. Since this was my first professional show, I was honestly open to anything and everything. And I can honestly and truthfully say that I lucked the fuck out with my director, stage manager and my cast mates. They were all SUCH incredible people. Everyday was such an incredible joy for me. It felt like another life for me where I could just forget about all of the stress and pain of everyday life...and also just all the shit that I have to deal with by being myself, you know? God, it was just such a relief to get away and create something. Fuck. It was so much fun. I mean, of course there were bumps and minor issues (one of the girls COMPLETELY freaked the fuck out...and then one of them turned out to be incredibly narcissistic and kind of out for herself..but that is neither here nor there!!)...but man. It really will go down for me as one of the best times of my life. 

Then came the shows. And I am telling you. There is NOTHING like performing in front of a live audience. The relationship that you have with each individual audience member...holy man. I fucking love it so much. And the girls I got to work with!! AGH! I love them so much. Despite some of their weird ass shit...I love them so so much. Hahah I kind of feel like a freak trying to talk to them everyday like an obsessive exboyfriend....I cant help myself! I was so lucky to have met them and created such incredible fire with them onstage. I will cherish them in my heart for the rest of my life. That I know to be true. 

By acting with them and doing this show, it sort of showed me the type of people I want to surround myself with...strong, capable, brave, truthful, hilarious, flawed, artists. I figured out that I need to be surrounded with MINDFUL people with an examined lifestyle. If I have learned anything about this world, its that there are too many people in it mindlessly going through the motions.....look at what happened in the states! THAT is the result of a huge percentage of the country choosing to live a life on auto-pilot of sorts without really looking at themselves or what they are living for!

I am at the point where I am deeeeepppp in crippling debt. I am talking $42,000....probably more! I mean thats just for Alberta! I don't even know what I owe Canada for fuck sakes. And I am working my ass off trying to pay rent..I havent even made a fucking DENT in that big ass payment....But the thing is..I have never been this conscious in my whole dang life. I am so awake. And I am so aware of what I am living for and why. And honestly...I understand that life isn't always going to be ‘happy schmappy tutus’...but if I am not COMPLETELY happy with certain aspects in my life, I AM GOING TO CHANGE THEM. I refuse to live a life of ‘doing the right thing’ or pleasing others out of obligatory feelings or politeness...We have one life dude. And I am going to FUCKING LIVE IT. 

Which brings me to the quote that I have chosen for this entry...again...to reiterate...it is from the HBO series Girls....yes..I am OBSESSED. Only because it is such a truthful portrayal of what its like to be a god damn human being with flaws and choices. This particular quote stuck out BIG TIME for me. Because its fucking true. And that is how we all need to look at pain and hurt. Yes. Its going to hurt. And times are going to be very hard sometimes...but its worth it in the end. And we will always remember that pain because we will have learned from it. And changed. And grown. PAIN=CHANGE=GROWTH=LIFE. Fuck man. Like I said before, we gotta feel all the pain to feel all the happiness and joy. They go hand in hand. When you live an examined life, you feel pain, but you feel happiness....and that is something that I will never change. I cannot live the ‘content life’. I have seen what it does to people. 

Yes. I fell in love this year...he ended up breaking my heart, but what broke my heart even more is that he chose to live the ‘content’ life. When the show was over, I had the time to gather my thoughts and sit with myself again. To be honest I kind of had a little bit of a relapse of anxiety...it was scary, but very much needed I think...because I realized that the person I had “fallen in love” with had chosen to live an unexamined life. To suppress his true feelings and desires and instead live his life in a dead zone...why? To look good on instagram and Facebook? To please his family? “Look mom and dad! I have been with the same person for 10 years!.....and I am completely dead inside and don't even know who I really am”. That fucking killed me. Knowing that he is alone right now and doesn't even know it. That there are MILLIONS of people out there living their lives like that!! FUCK! 

And I am not saying that every person in long term relationships feel dead inside. Certainly not. There are so many happy ones...because they are living their lives MINDFULLY! And they aren't compromising who they are or what they want from their life for their partner. Or maybe they are...I don't know...All I know is, when I find my person (or people...if I am being totally honest I dont know if its even humanly natural for us to be with ONE person for the rest of our life...how will we continue to grow?) we will live our lives as MINDFUL PARTNERS. I will listen and help them achieve their dreams...and they will help me live mine. It will be a lively, always growing, ever changing beautiful garden being tended to by the two of us together. ...not a dead cement box being controlled by one another with manipulating tricks of codependency. 

I think now...I can finally see that. I am on a COMPLETELY different plain than the guys that I thought I wanted to be with. I need to let them all go. I need to give myself permission to need and want more out of my partner. I need someone who is mindful and risky and full of life and willing to REALLY live it. I cant be with someone who cares about ‘things’ and looking good more than experiences and living life. 

I need another artist. 

[undyinghappinessblog]

Am I really missing something here?

Well that title sure makes this sound like a good read, eh? Hahaha fuck. 

But seriously. Before the New Year (also, yes! Hi! Happy 2017!) I had a really good feeling that this year was going to be good. And I still absolutely feel that way 100%. Its just I have had no motivation to leave my bed. At all. Hahaha and this has got me thinking....maybe over-thinking...Is this a sign of depression that I am overlooking? Or am I just really fucking tired/avoiding the underlying fear to really dig into stuff?

And you know what? Maybe its because I have been talking to one too many friends who are feeling depressed themselves, but....I don't even know. 

Actually no. I just realized it now hahaha. I think for the first time in a while, I am actually feeling pretty alright! I no longer have what felt like an aching growth at the pit of my stomach harbouring feelings of abandonment and resentment. I have the light back in my step and I am dancing in the living room again. I can look back on the past year and recognize its struggles and the pain I went through, but I can also see the worth of it all and how much I needed to learn and change from. 

So I guess its now just a matter of sort of....weeding myself through this year as much as I can. Which means I may even have to cut down on the time I spend with certain people....But okay...what does that mean? Does that mean that I avoid people when they are depressed in attempts to keep myself sane? That just sounds selfish and shitty...(come to think of it, this whole blog/diary/whatever this thing is could be considered quite selfish and shitty). Fuck man. There really is no black and white in this life. Just a whole lot of grey/weedy area you gotta make your way through. 

Anyway...I think I have learned from this past year that sometimes, it is necessary to cut people out. Not in a malicious or vengeful/resentful way (although at times it may feel that way..) just in a way that keeps your heart and your mind happy. 

For example...lately two of my best friends from school have been bringing up his name (you know...HIS name...God I’m dramatic). And I will admit...it still does sting to see it. And it is still something that I could truly drive myself absolutely crazy over if I really started to think about again. But I don't have any right to be upset that they should want to be friends with him. The injustice and hurt was done to me...not to them. And unfortunately, because of that, I am just going to have to remove myself from certain conversations, or honestly, even certain social occasions...at least for a little while. I just know that I’m not ready for that yet. 

Its just with this coping mechanism, I cant help but ask myself..fuck man, when will it stop? How many conversations/people are you going to have to avoid? I mean...seriously? I can’t go through life doing that. Because then I will lose some of the stuff that life is made of, you know? I feel like I sound like some religious freak/cult-y follower by saying this, but thats kind of what makes life so beautiful and so colourful. Losing yourself for a while, getting hurt, being afraid. All things that help make change. Avoiding contentment and instead striving for complete and utter happiness (even if that means complete and utter sadness comes with it). 

Now I’m going to go haaarrdd into the “artsy fartsy” by saying this, but its kind of like looking at a painting....If life was content and easy all of the time, we would only ever see a few colours on the canvas. We need the pain and the struggle and the heartbreak to compliment the happiness. We need all of the colours to really feel alive, you know? Well at least I do.