apathetically-hopeful

[apathetically-hopeful]

Sobriety... 11/19/24

It's two days before my birthday, and this year, for the first time since I turned 21... I won't be drinking that day. It's two days before my birthday... and today I went to my first AA meeting.

(I want to develop this more later, and I will... but for now... I'm just happy to be here.)

Love always,

Trevor

[apathetically-hopeful]

8/30/24 Miss you... don't care.

Hey look! It's me again. My first real entry in over a year (there's several drafts), but here I am really committing on this one. So naturally y'all know I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out and clinging to some detestable form of toxic hope. I don't know how artsy I'm gonna get here. I love my writing so much... I've been re-reading it a lot lately. It's one of the few things I've stop being ashamed to be proud of. However, today I don't know if I can manage the haunting metaphors and romantic detachment.

Although, the fact that I'm already starting this in such shambles makes me think that some big things are going to come of it. The last saga of entries probably won't hold a candle to what the current shape of my life is. I'm trying so hard to even organize myself to get these few sentences down that I've been at this for about 45 minutes to this very sentence. So much so that I've continuously forgotten to light the cigarette that has been hanging on the corner of my lip this entire time. It's now suitable to be fed to the elderly because the filter is basically mush.... well you know what, cigarette? Me too.

Anyway, if you've made it this far; past whatever unhinged preamble that was... I applaud you. My writing is always driven by emotion, but usually I have some grasp on what emotion is guiding the keystrokes. This time I have absolutely no idea what I'm being inspired; or coerced, by. Because I'm not inspired at all; in fact, I'm terrified. I feel like I've become some half-sentient amalgamation of rage, fear, sorrow and regret. I've never felt so much at once that feeling anything in and of itself became impossible. My emotions have agitated my wounds so much that I've lost sensation.

I think I broke someone again... I didn't mean to. This girl came into my life and I pushed for a relationship when she was trying to heal from her own damages. For me the delusion of self improvement had so firmly taken root that I thought I could withstand it. I believed I could save her; guide her down the path I'd been walking that had set me free. Maybe she wasn't ready to be saved... maybe I wasn't a savior. But... my god, something about her; the beauty I saw in her. I went all in trying to get her to see it for herself. There's no tragedy quite like watching an angel suffocate beneath the feathers the world so cruelly ripped from them; before they ever got a chance to fly.

Somewhere along the way I realized the illusion. I was no more use to her than I was to myself on my darkest days. The disappointment I began to feel when I realized I was losing a war I never knew I joined... it began to turn into resentment. The end was coming long before either of us were ever willing to acknowledge it. But we tried to persist. We tried to push it off; told ourselves "love conquers all". Instead we only conquered each other... at first it almost seemed poetic in a 'doomed lovers' sort of way. But before long it was something terrifying, spiteful and paralyzing.

We fell into this terrible rhythm of believing we were damaging each other so much that we had to table our personal growth to try to pick up the pieces for one another. The irony, of course, was that the complete opposite course of action might have saved us. I've been so angry this whole time, accused her of ruining me. And in turn that caused me to ruin her and push her away. But the truth is... I should have been better. I should have paid more attention. And if the reality was that we couldn't find a way to continue our individual paths while being together... then we had no business trying to dress it up any prettier than that.

I know we loved each other. There is no mistaking it. It was something special, something rare. We needed to nurture that small miracle we found in one another, but we got so scared waiting for the other shoe to drop; we ignored the housefire around us. There we were; two people who don't get miracles... who handle every good thing in life like a live bomb; just to realize later we were defusing the sparks we lit inside one another.

If you read this... I'm sorry. It's not your fault. I love you. You didn't ruin me, sweetheart... I ruined myself when I convinced myself I had to tear pieces of myself away to put you back together... instead of staying whole... and using my strength to continue to lift you up. I miss you so much... but please, don't let that stop you from learning to fly. Because your wings will heal, and someday I hope to see you gliding up there... even if it means I have to admire it from the ground.

Love always,

Trevor

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"Quick look Side eye Head tilt As you go by Miss you Don't care

Touchdown Midnight Pull back 'til I get it right I miss you Don't care"

[apathetically-hopeful]

“The person you will be in 5 years is based on the books you read and the people you surround yourself with today.”

— Unknown

[apathetically-hopeful]

“The broken will always be able to love harder than most. Once you’ve been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines.”

— Unknown

[apathetically-hopeful]

12/18/22 The Precipice...

It’s been a while since we’ve done this. There has been a longing like no other to get back to this. Maybe it was me hiding from myself; or maybe I’d fundamentally convinced myself I was better. Honestly, I believed I was better for a time. I probably still am; considering where we started this journey. It would be a disservice to myself to marginalize the progress I’ve made in that last two years. I’ve realized a side of myself I could only ever manipulate myself into believing even existed. I’ve seen the other side of what life can be. Things like self love, happiness, and purpose became tangible as opposed to the delusions of grandeur I once believed them to be.

Unfortunately; seeing the other side of everything I had hoped for came with a cost. I now find myself on the precipice of a spiritualistic upheaval. I learned that the price to pay for my own enlightenment was a more fundamental understanding of my environment, and by extension, the world around me. What I’ve discovered since has been nothing short of dissuasive for my previously uncompromising principles and morality. 

At the start; my efforts to be truly kind and unconditional to those around me was an undertaking that was born of an immense guilt of self. As I began to heal, and reconcile who I am and find my own place within the personal narrative of life, I made it a point to incorporate those gracious parts of myself into who I was becoming. Now I’m starting to realize, that no matter my efforts, I am by far and large ineffectual in perpetuating my own sense of humanity. It leaves one wondering if they even have a reconcilable purpose, because for all the good I try to accomplish; it seems forever lost in a world hell bent on self interest and unregulated disregard for our fellow humans. 

Even now as I write this... I recognize it for what it is; an open platform to be steered away from the path I am longing to travel. My inherent nature has prevented me from jumping headlong into what, I consider, total reckless abandon for myself and everything I’ve been trying to build. Ever looming is the feeling, that no matter how steadfast I hold to the path I’ve been traveling, it will never be enough. I’ve continually faced the worst in humanity with nothing but spite, contempt, and an unbreakable desire to change the narrative. But even the mightiest of trees break in the face of an unrelenting storm.

So now I face the choice.... the desire... to fully retreat within myself. An insatiable need to show the world what happens when it succeeds in battering those that attempt to spite all of it’s indifference, and create the monster it’s so persistently tried to create. I now feel as if there is nothing left to compromise. There is now a part of me that no longer wants to hold on to compassion, values, or my ever misaligned moral compass. The net return has never even measured enough to reinforce everything I’ve tried to be. Maybe this is the swan song of someone the world succeeded in dismantling; despite all their own efforts to be an example of staring it down and choosing to be different. Living an endless loop of being true to myself and trying to lead by example, only to look behind me and find I have been walking the path completely alienated and alone.

Love always,

Trevor: the man the world may have finally broken.

[apathetically-hopeful]

[apathetically-hopeful]

I saw the world from the stars’ point of view, and it looked unbearably lonely.

Shaun David Hutchinson (via quotemadness)

[apathetically-hopeful]

8/5/22 The Growth of Fences

Maybe I realized it too late.

The grass is always greener where you water it.

I walk the property line; tiptoeing atop the fence.

The wilted brown of my past on one side.

Fresh, unseeded dirt on the other.

I do my best not to lose my balance.

Falling towards the decay sets me back.

There is no saving that which has already died.

Falling towards the dirt guarantees no soft landings.

I will have to heal from the impact. 

Before ever being able to grow something new.

Forever fighting the temptation to look through the fence.

Dead as it may be; I know it’s softer there.

The fence continues to grow higher.

Assuring the inevitable fall will only hit harder.

My balance is wavering.

I find my pockets are full of seeds...

-------------------------------

Trevor

[apathetically-hopeful]

8/4/22 Growth

Sitting here trying to write; now, at 5am, after months; feels like an overdue reunion. One where nothing I say will be enough for what I owe myself, or anyone that takes the time to read this. The truth is, I have come a long way in the time that has passed in this silence. But for all of my achievements and progress, there are just as many things that still haunt me and affect my progress. Everything I used to be plagued by now feels like a distant memory. Lessons that I’ve learned, and fought through, now only hold what I can describe as a vague weight over me. It feels as if I’ve been in an endless war of attrition with myself and my traumas. But like satirical tragedy written in my own blood; the lessons I’ve truly learned show me that no amount of progress comes without new wounds and scars.

To be direct, this has been the reason for the distance from all of you, and from myself. How am I supposed to write about my beliefs, ambitions, or virtues without having any idea who I was anymore? As a result I had to take a step back from all of this. I found myself walking away from the very things that aided my healing and ability to process. I felt as if indulgence in these things without actually knowing who I was, or where I was headed, would be a disservice to myself and those around me. So I took pause, admittedly for far longer than I probably should have.

Don’t be fooled. This is a false alarm; without an evacuation plan that would ever result in rescue if implemented. Because the truth is: I have come further than I ever hoped possible when I started this journey. As expected, this has presented a significant amount of new challenges for me to overcome. The more that I healed, and effectually sent my previously self-defining traumas to their final resting places; the more I discovered an overwhelming lack of my own identity. When your entire sense of self is based purely on a stunted perspective of your own beliefs, shaped by your own experiences and others’ judgements; you are essentially left knowing nothing about who you are without them.

Now I sit here, trying to define who I’ve become. And honestly? I don’t know that I can. I’ve learned so much through all of this. But it seems, as if, everyday I’m still making corrections to my course in life. I find myself constantly rearranging my priorities, boundaries, and relationships. However my newly found baseline remains unwavering. I will no longer settle for that which does not suit who I want to be, or where I want to go. The journey to this point has been a road paved with good intentions and excessively poor choices. Erasing everything I thought I knew about myself left me trying to define myself through the things I now assumed I wanted.

The path became an incoherent labyrinth of insecurity and disillusionment. It took me until recently to realize that I was trying to force my life to become what I felt it should be. But I find that I was simply projecting my assumed growth and sense of self onto a person I had not yet learned to be. Now I am learning. My true self is settling in, and showing me that all mountains ahead of me are conquerable. Everyday I am finding more and more that I’m not as lost as I believed, that I haven’t strayed so far off the path that I am truly lost. Getting lost was a necessary part of finding the finish line. As it brought me from a path heading towards a fatal cliff towards one where I could reach new heights.

It’s funny, isn’t it? When I set out to write this; I had envisioned and outlined something entirely different in my head. I wanted to do this with less metaphors and more direct reflection. But just like everything else in my life, things never take the shape I expect them to. What I have learned is that I’ve been in survival mode this entire time. I found that I’d healed just enough to get where I needed to be and no further. But now it’s time; time for me to take everything I’ve learned about who I am, what I want, and start putting it into practice.

Lately I’ve been consumed by a sense of incompleteness. Simple survival has become unsustainable to me. It’s time to actually learn to live again, and give myself purpose and direction. Granted this isn’t going to happen in any sort of short order. The amount of time it’s going to take for me to effect change is a yet unknown variable. But what is certain is that it’s time for me to begin making that transition. I think the truth in all of this is illustrated in the very nature of this entry’s incoherence. I am painfully aware of how hard this must be for all of you to follow, and I’m sorry for that.

In summation what I’m trying to say; is that I really have grown. I’ve learned so much on the journey to this point. Not all of it has been easy or positive. But the reaffirming fact is that I am still here, unbroken and more determined than ever. It’s time to start turning the page. It’s characterized by the fact that I’m writing again. Because this time, I want to be writing the next chapter; not living in the old one. So many things have been happening in my life that tell me it’s time to move forward. A colossal psychic shift that leaves me hungering for more. Make no mistake, the tone of this entry isn’t meant to be as melancholy as the song it sings. This is, in fact, positivity with a yet unrefined shape. Again I apologize for the shit-show of confusion this entry probably illustrates, but it’s reflective of the transitional period of my mental state currently.

Good things are coming for me, I just need to make sure I’m in a place where I can acknowledge them, and not lose them to the parts of myself I have yet to bury. Love always,

Trevor.

[apathetically-hopeful]

4/2/22 “Thank you.”

(This post was originally written for a facebook post tailored to all the people that have been there personally for me through my journey. But I figured I’d throw it on here too; since it’s relevant and I haven’t posted in a while.)

So the end of this month will mark a full year of what has easily been the Best/Worst or Worst/Best year of my life. At the beginning of of it all, I was easily in the darkest place I'd ever been. I'd felt like I'd lost everything that mattered to me and that the possibility of happiness in my life was gone.

I threw myself headfirst into a chaotic downward spiral that would ultimately guarantee to push me over the edge if I didn't change course. I had a simple choice, either right the ship, or inevitably succumb to the abyss. So I started making changes...It wasn't easy at first. Especially admitting to myself that I needed help. But once I accepted that simple fact; things began to change. The illusion that I thought I was simply unable to be anything more than who I was at the time began to fade away. I realized that through my own ego and actions that I had simply been choosing to be stagnant.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I've been in therapy for almost a full year now. To say that it literally saved my life would be an understatement. Once I began opening up and being more honest with myself and others; I started to believe that I could in fact become someone different and change my course. And then the real journey began.

Along the way I have not only redefined myself, my mental health and my sense of self worth; but I also adjusted my social circle and how I interact with people. Once I began to learn that I was capable of loving myself; everything became different. I still have an absolutely enormous amount of work to do. But the groundwork has been laid, and the possibilities are endless. Simply due to the fact that I learned that I CAN change, and do deserve to be happy.

So this is a thank you post. Thank you to everyone that believed in me. All of you who stood by me through my darkest moments. Everyone that supported my journey and encouraged me to keep pushing; even when I would want to give up hope. I've met so many people this year and made so many memories. All of you have taught me one simple thing; I do deserve love and happiness. I have a place and a purpose in this world. Even if it is as simple as learning to love myself and strive to improve my life and the lives of others. 

Thank you all for believing in me, and thank you for all the laughs, hugs, tears and support. I truly would not be here without all of you. I love all of you so much. Thank you for keeping the faith.

[apathetically-hopeful]

As i began to love myself, my relationship with everyone changed.

[apathetically-hopeful]

Dare (Rough draft)

How dare you! 

How dare you come into my imperfect life, and show me what perfect looks like.

How dare you have the audacity to give me hope. 

How dare you give me the strength to believe in myself. 

How dare you teach me to reach higher. 

How dare you take away everything I was reaching for. 

How dare you leave. 

How dare you teach me how to truly love; then rip from me the object of my affection. 

How dare you ever tell me you loved me. 

Alas...

How dare I ever believe it.

How dare I ever allow hope to settle inside me. 

How dare I ever blame you for showing me what love really is...

If only; maybe I could have dared to love myself the way I loved you.

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Trevor 11/1/21

[apathetically-hopeful]

Sometimes I hate you, sometimes I hate myself, but always I miss you.

David Henry Hwang, M. Butterfly (via perfectquote)

[apathetically-hopeful]

I hope you’ll see me one day and see who I’ve become. I hope regret steals your breath.

Jess Amelia (via thoughtkick)

[apathetically-hopeful]

An intimate relationship does not banish loneliness. Only when we’re comfortable with who we are, can we truly function in a healthy way.

Patricia Fry (via perfectquote)

[apathetically-hopeful]

The Void 10/6/21

Everyday there are still so many things that remind me of you. I have to pull my thoughts away as quickly as I can. Every time it's like a knife to the heart. I thought it would get easier. But you will forever be a piece of me. An unending heartache with no answer or remedy. I'm so sick of being alone. I miss you so much. I don’t know that I'll ever know that feeling of completeness again, not the way I did with you. I still shed tears for us more nights than I would like to admit...

I'm trying so hard to move on. But how do you go forward when the closest you've ever been, or will be, to getting it right, is behind you. How do you lay the feelings of failure to rest. Knowing you could have saved it if only you'd paid more attention. How do you continue when you know that you have lost something most people never find in a lifetime? You were everything to me; and more. You taught me so much about life, love, and kindness. I only wish the lessons had settled in sooner. I wish I could have done more to salvage us before it was too late. 

You promised you were taking your time and weren’t moving on. I see now that it was a lie, you’re with someone, and you seem happy. But I don’t think I could ever move on from this damage. You redefined love for me, and I know that I won’t ever find anything like it again. I only wish you’d given me a little more time. I wish you the best... but in all sincerity, I hope you still love me enough that this resonates with you. I’ve done the best I could to spite the odds, but there is no filling the void I find in myself these days.  Meeting someone like you was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I’m glad my soul got to know yours, I only wish that you’d meant it when you had said “forever” all those times.

The irony is, that I was truly ready to be better and face all that which came before us. But this... it’s too much. I see the world for how it really is now. I'm beginning to recognize my own self less and less. I don’t know how I became this person. I’m not even sure who I am; or what I stand for anymore. The reflective traits of those I've always rallied against are finding their way into my own life. I’m not sure if this is part of growth, but I hate who I'm becoming. It’s like I’ve been spiraling without you, because some part of my soul knows that it is now, and forever, untethered. Doomed to stay in a perpetual state of agony.

Maybe it’s just the change in seasons, or maybe it’s something more. All I know is this a pain and depression unlike I’ve ever felt before. The memory of everything we were is a lingering shadow that haunts me everyday. The only certainty now is that I can hear it; the void is calling me... Love always,

Trevor

[apathetically-hopeful]

Human beings can withstand a week without water, two weeks without food, many years of homelessness, but not loneliness. It is the worst of all tortures, the worst of all sufferings.

Paulo Coelho (via perfectquote)