#it's fun and my brain's tired but its still fun!
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Being a writer is working on the same chapter in the first draft for nearly 5 months, then remembering that you still have that one chapter from January that’s only halfway done, and still somehow having ~50 more chapters to go
#writing#writeblr#complaing#why do i do this to myself?#it's fun and my brain's tired but its still fun!#but i hate it#not really but still#Maybe it would be done if i didn't procranate on fighting scenes#and spend half of the time planning in my doc#or listeing to all those songs and somehow realting them to my oc#yeah i think that's what did it#oh and getting reminded on vol 3#that definatly also did it#what am i putting agian oh yeah right writing sucks and i hate it but not really#but granted vol 2 may only be nine? but also maybe more#9 at best vol 3 proably is going to find someway to be atleast 13-15#so maybe 49-ish>#By the time i finish this fanfic the gotg fandom will proably be dead#and i'll be a senior#in college heh#i could quit anytime i want but I don't want to#ah well we're only on book 1 we'll get to book 5 eventually#or six?#i need to check my docs
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saw this shirt thing and just had to put it on finrod
(aka maedhros and feanor are Not Cooperating so i am doodling around with some less difficult characters lol)
#silm#silmarillion#finrod#idk if the extended skirt part looks cohesive but i am very tired#also melestasflight sorry for how long its taking but your art is still toodling around in my wips!#feanor is refusing to stay still :(#i think i have like four feanor pieces in wips? drawing him is always fun but wrangling him is somehowworse than forty middle schoolers urg#every time i find a good pose for him in my brain he gets up and moves! i cannot visualize the scene because he keeps rearranging it#so yeah still going along but much more slowly than i would have liked
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killer being like "yeah i know every single little thing about horror and dust" (because he watches them as a part time hobby (freak) (find something better to do)) and then he acts surprised when they do something that he wouldnt expect them to do in his little predetermined absolutely perfect concept of them
like what do you MEAN horror licks spoons clean when he's using them so he doesn't have to get a completely different one for the main course and the dessert. what do you MEAN dust has a lisp even though he speaks fluently and uses even more complex words than killer himself. horror knows how to sew and he often patches up their things without either of them noticing?? dust always wears oversized and clothes that cover him up just because he finds it comfy?? what??? out ra geous???? these guys have small little quirks to them that killer doesn't already know about???? killer immediately wants to know more. so he can expand his internal profile of them of course. not for any other more endearing and sweet reason. not at all,,,,,,,, (:3)
#AASHSHAHHHHH this one is so cute....... this thought. thank you brain for making this thought#it's like killer's experiencing sonder (except he's not aware of his own complexity of life because of his own derealization/personalizatio#actually i dont think this deserves to be a side blog post. this is too damn CUTE#at first the 2 were probably weirded out by killer watching them and now they probably dgaf...... killer comments less than youd expect#but now theyre used to his shit so they do all these tiny things that killer gets to pick up on and learn more about them#its so interesting...... killer can do as much reasoning as he can to try and find a logical reason for why they do these little things#but in the end if the real reason is just because they wanted to or they felt like it then how can killer comprehend that?#how can they just do that so easily and choose to do things based off a whim instead of having a calculated precise reason for personal gai#he wouldnt realize it on his own but noticing those little things coming fron horror and dust who used to be like him could help with the#everything is just a game and i am simply an avatar and the ultimate goal is the win aka be the most powerful#for dust and horror theyve already turned their consoles off. theyre out of their games theyve finished. their goal was just to beat it#(like if horrortale finally got the good ending it deserves because of aliza horror would have finished#if dust beat the player and due to extreme boredom (ITS GOTTA BE EXTREME EXTREME) decides to leave to explore the multiverse)#in killer's eyes theyve achieved their goals. but killer's still playing his game. maybe he IS the game. but eitherway he's not done#like they r. so taking into consideration how other versions of himself act when theyre finished with the game could he act like that 2??#did HE also finish his game and he never realized it? should he be basing these ideas off dust and horror when theyre kinda not the same gu#killer would find so many hoops to jump through to justify getting rid of the everything is a competitive game idea but there would be smth#IDK im just rambling. i gawt this idea from me imagining them fight. ya you wouldnt believe this sweet thing came from trio abuse :3#killer psychoanalyzing dust and horror is one of my favorite things eva. horror would HATE IT (if he were aware#and dust would totally be freaked out and keep to himself incase killer's planning anything against him#but uaaaghhh pretend this isnt canon this is triglycercule's ideal little world where they explore the mv and have fun#killer watching dust and horror sleep because he doesnt feel tired while theyre all in bed#and he's just picking up on how theyre positioned. how they breathe. the little things.......... djdjshahahaaahsushdjwbdsn ssosooooo cuuut#tricule hc#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#dare i say mtt poly. ok i dare say it. but like lowkey he'd do this whether theyre together or not...... killers just weird like that......
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Does anyone have any tips to help stop yourself from comparing your artwork to others, or equating your value as an artist with likes and reblogs?
I've struggled with this for a while and it's getting old, I don't know how to just shrug it off. Any genuine advice would be nice
#its just bygging me bc i know rationally they dont matter i knoe they dont#but i still feel it in my bones that im not good enough because my work doesnt circulate on platforms#i paint for fun and then i post and i get these feelings and theyre so goddamn annoying#i know to just keep posting anyway and try to enjoy the ride but my Depression Brain is such an asshole#i wish it would be quiet#i never used to feel this way either until likes and reposts/reblogs became so integral to social media#on top of needing commissions to get by while looking for work and attending school soon#idk maybe this is just a vent and ik no one can Fix it that simply#i guess im just speaking 2 the void rn and maybe others feel the same#*bugging#and i really am so grateful just to know anyone likes it or comments on it and reading feedback really really means so much#but i feel like unless im pumping out specific fandom stuff that doesnt really happen#but the negative thoughts and feelings can b rly strong sometimes and im just tired#im sure this is a depression thing too#hoping i can get into therapy thru school but it depends on finances as everything else in this world does 🫠#ill keep going tho#and please if you are someone who does comment or reblog and say something about the work please do not ever stop#it means so much to me and others im positive it does#i see you and i appreciate you so so much#thank you and thank you to anyone who reads or comments some ideas
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also just for the record. no matter how much utterly stupid shit i say or draw about him, frank actually makes me so deeply sad. this old man should be picking up his grandkids but he cant. i think about him too much and im so sad
#marvel#frank castle#the punisher#this is true for like most of these guys [gestures vaguely to comicbook men] but frank is the one that makes me want to chew on rocks rn. s#like yeah i selfship with him for fun and i like to think about cutesy or funny stuff involving him but the reality is he makes me so sad#ig thats part of why i do it. you make me so sad old man. but youre not real so in some version of not real you can be a little better#not happy but yk better#but like. just. fuck man hes so deeply damaged and hurt it drives me up the wall. my hurt person hurting people#as always i struggle to string words together this isnt news if you know anything about him you know exactly what im getting at#he would have been a wonderful father and husband. the way hes so devoted to them still. always. its killing me#sometimes i see canon moments of him where how just fundamentally deeply broken as a person he is and augh#nothing can help you nothing can make things any better but my god you cannot be left alone in this state#eh maybe thats it. i cant help him i cant make him feel better. but i cant let him be alone like this#i dont think he should have to be alone like this#bleh sorry word vomit. im tired and sleepy. i wrote 4 essays this week. need to write 2 more. going a little bonkers#brain is fried.
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Realized that in my Immortality Speedrun AU, even though Zhu Bajie and Sha Wujing likely wouldn't have had the opportunity to get thrown from Heaven since they'd be working overtime at their posts, Ao Lie very much would still have the opportunity to land himself on death row as a prince, so.... Sun "An enemy of Heaven is an ally of mine" Wukong gets a roommate for buddy comedy reasons
[ID: 1. An illustration of Ao Lie and Sun Wukong. Ao Lie is in his princely attire, but notably disheveled. His green outermost robe is hanging half open, with burnt and ripped hems. The red sash at his waist is hanging in tatters as well. His hair is loose down his back and he's holdining a sword in his right hand. Sun Wukong is in his human disguise, wearing an open checkered daoist's robe. His white inner robe is not tucked into his pants and a red dudou is peeking out from underneath it. He's staring at a book in his left hand while chewing on a piece of willow, his right hand scritching his chin thoughtfully.
2. A sketched comic, with Ao Lie in teal and Sun Wukong in orange. In the first panel, Ao Lie bursts into a cave in a rush. In the second panel, Sun Wukong is sitting on the floor of the cave next to a table, looking at Ao Lie at the cave's entrance. SWK says, "Uh. Hi? This cave is already occupied." In the third panel, Ao Lie attempts to pull otu his sword in surprise, crying out "Stay back!" before he's interrupted by Sun Wukong casting a freezing spell "定!". In the fourth panel, Sun Wukong has a cheerful but annoyed facial expression as he approaches the frozen Ao Lie. He says, "LOL Nice try, punk- Now what the hell are you doing in my cave?", then, "Wait a min-". In the fifth panel, Sun Wukong is looking up at Ao Lie with a surprised and incredibly amused expression, exclaiming, "Wait- You're the Ao kid who managed to set his father's palace on fire underwater!". Ao Lie looks back at him with a tense expression, saying, "Please don't tell me you're gonna hand me in." To which Sun Wukong replies, "Hell no I won't!"
3. A sketched comic, again with Ao Lie in teal and Sun Wukong in orange. In the first panel, Sun Wukong is reading some plans in the foreground and Ao Lie is in the background. Sun Wukong says, "Xiao Long, could you head out and fetch me some lingzhi? I'm fresh out. In the second panel, Ao Lie responds, "I'm a prince who has an active warrant out for his arrest, and you're just some rogue brewing illegal immortality. Wouldn't it make more sense to go out yourself?" In the third panel, an unimpressed Sun Wukong presses a basket to Ao Lie's chest. Sun Wukong says, "I've got arrest warrants for crimes you wouldn't even imagine. Plus, it's my magic and my cave keeping you hidden, so pull your weight, Princey." Ao Lie rolls his eyes and has his hands up in a mock defeated pose. End ID]
#my art#journey to the west#jttw#xiyouji#sun wukong#monkey king#bai longma#ao lie#immortality speedrun au#sorry for only doing silly au doodles lately </3 normal jttw is still my bread and butter but ough#AUs are like junk food for me. fun and thoughtless and not filling but still taking the place of what i really should be doing instead </3#bc thats all my tired brain can handle during this mad dash before winter break ��#ANYWHO#this ao lie still has long hair bc the moment he heard 'death penalty' he booked it the fuck out of there#its kinda hard to see but the tips of his horns are also discolored and desaturated :>#bc ive always envisioned sea dragons' horns as coral so stress = dying coral#also ao lie gets increasingly 👁️👁️ at swk the longer he's around him bc#this is the most unassuming man in the world.#yet he's powerful enough to be willing to harbor a heavenly fugitive#and keeps insisting that he's on the run for something more heinous than what ao lie's on the run for#yet ao lie has never fucking heard of him in his life#he gets increasingly unhinged theories as to who swk is#'a follower of shen gongbao? a disgraced or dismissed disciple of some high-ranking god?'#'whoever he is he's gotta be old as hell to be this powerful'#idk what swk's fake name is yet </3
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hmm ueah maybe this website really isnt for me. a real human being will say something like hey guys maybe displaying an overt sexual attraction to animals and glorifying age-different incest is not such a good thing to normalize. and everyone will say theyre wrong and that transgender people wont like them for thinking like this. holy fuck go outside.
#i was this 🤏 close to deleting my account this morning and actually the more i think about it the more i think i might#like its been fun here but maybe i should grow up finally. maybe i shouldnt be an adult in my 20s on tumblr still.#people on here have rotted theur brains beyond saving and im actually tired of acting like some takes on here are not.....#uncomfortable. to say the least.
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Ignore
#delete later#in typical birthday fashion i am now exhausted snd overwhelmed and battling a meltdown#i stubbed my toe and now cant put any fucking weight on it#im exhausted from performing appropriate birthday excitement. i dont think i understand birthdays correctly#to me the only relevance of ppls birthday is that i can show that i care about them and give gifts that make them happy or#spend time with them. other than that its just a day. in my head my birthday is just a day but it's a day rhat im expected to be#ecstatic over. i dont understand that. i spend the day worried im not feeling the correct feelings or displaying them right#and worried bc the normal day routine is broken and im anxious bc i don't know what will happen#too much uncertainty. abd rhat anxiety makes me feel guilty. but at the same time bc to me birthdays are avout showing the#person that you care. if everyone ignored it i would start to assume they dont care. idk how to fix my brain on this#at least its only once a year. plus the whole still being alive at 24 thing freaks me out. so when i inevitably have my#meltdown or shutdown it comes with not fun things#i get the same way at christmas except its slightly more socially acceptable for me to hide at christmas.#meltdowns make me angry abd emotional so i know im being a bitch in my head but logic is hard so im just upset and angry#and confused on how im supposed to feel and act. i fucking hate my brain.#i have ordered good comfort food abd have weighted blanket abd new piercing. life is okay#i dont want to see mu parents this weekend but it will be what it will be. im so fucking tired
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i know i’ve said that being able to do the stereotypical insane ao3 authors notes is fun and amusing to me but can the universe NOT take that as a challenge to add more shit to my list of things to add next time i post ???? like. fucking. Calm Down Please.
#situations keep happening and i am TIRED#had to restrain a kid at work today which was AWFUL but he was trying to run into the road so i literally had to#almost cried bc of it but got the situation under control#but then when on my way to meet w coworkers to carpool to a meeting#my tire popped#super fun times super awesome super great#i mean my mom helped and we got it all fixed and handled#but basically from noon to like 6pm my mom and i were dealing w it bc everything had to be COMPLICATED#so i only just got home like 45 mins ago ish and i am SO tired holy fuck#but im eating left over orange chicken and then gonna shower and then just gonna be lazy and read and maybe write#if i have the brain power i will work on hb chp17#but i also have a 4 hour training for work tomorrow so yeehaw#its 12:30-4:30 which isnt that bad but still#im also going to my dads afterwards to stay the night and visit him and my siblings#which is a good thing dont get me wrong i love visiting them#it just means i wont have a lot of freetime this weekend to work on writing and cleaning and stuff#not the end of the world and definitely worth it to see my dad and my baby siblings#but i wish it was a 3 day weekend so i could also have a day to just stay home and do things that i havent had the time to do yk#oh well. tis life. adulthood. having to handle situations and finding the best out of shitty circumstances. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Casually flirting with the idea of fucking around and getting a master's degree. The time will pass anyway, right?
#lynx thinks#oh nooooooooooooooooo#nooooo i can feel the urge to be crazy and act on my hubris#ive just been talking to the grad students in the theater program and theyre taking like 9 credits a semester#and its all stuff that seems interesting or fun or at the very least useful unlike my undergrad degree#and im like... i can already sew as well as if not better than these grad students. i can for sure draw better for any designs i come up w#heck i can draw better than the current head costume designer faculty member for the university#so the little overcommitting gremlin in my brain is like ''yoi could totally do it. do it.''#and the other part of me is like ''im already so tired just from working again after needing to recover from burnout. how would i even?#so I'm sitting here Thinking about it...#a masters degree in theater might be better for finding work at a pre-existing institution than just a bachelors in art#and it might be better than a masters in art too#I'd have to stop taking commissions completely probably if i did it for the sake if time#but if i somehow got an assistantship position? then maybe?? i could do it?#oooooooh i hrm so hard y'all#its only been a week since moving and ao much is still in boxes. im only working part time but I'm tired now so much#idk if its just because my stamina levels have atrophied or what but im so. tired. these days#and by these days i mean in the last week.#maybe a week isn't long enough of a sample to work from.#im hoping my energy levels will even out a bit but with the time zone change and the fact that I'm almost 30 I'm not sure if it will?#so thats worrying#i actually kind of see why people seem to drink coffee every day now#I've definitely been eating a lot more normally since i started. both in timing and quantity#i still have projects of my own to work on i cant afford to be so eepy orz
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Ya know what inktober or cringetober, what have you, I'll be drawing all these Isaac au shitpost nonsense baby. I FEEL ALIVE. WITNESS MY CRINGE OR LOOK AWAY IN DISGUST. IM LIVING! WRAAGGHHH
#i have not been able to draw this much in years dude#i went thru a whole sketchbook in just two weeks its freaking epic#my brain juices my hand juices theyre coming to life#too bad my fmla will end in november. god i wish i was paid to draw nonsense like this#and trust me you do not need to know or play isaac to know what the heck is going on#im the master of not knowing whats going on and the master of catfishing. i dont know anything and you shouldnt either#its all about wink wink nudge nudge but i take full creative liberties. im taking the reins and going into maximum overdrive#and i hope my new followers enjoy what im spitting. please take a gander at the other things i draw because i have bursts of hyperfixations#i just want to be free to draw what i want ya know. i always feel held back because it doesnt go toward with improvement or making money#but i really think i am improving right now by drawing all this stuff my brain is spitting. my hand tryna keep up with my thought patterns#its nice. and my hand isnt cramping. why? cause i keep taking breaks. me taking breaks yet still drawing this much#youll know you improve if can get thoughts and sketches down fast and comprehensible when you go to clean it up#im rambling but i jsut want you to know that i am happy. even if no one really pays attention to what ive beeb doing. be it this or my ocs#im having fun. genuine fun. i am so tired so goodnight. i lov e you guys
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i miss this game already
#took me. over 220 hours to finally get through the ending of the game#i kept quitting right before the end and starting a new playthrough#something about act 3 as a whole.#the start of the game is just. so damn fun......#i love creating my character and meeting the companions for the first time. getting to the grove and saving the tieflings#over and over again#im not sure how i feel about the ending. i think my brain is just soup so maybe I'll have thoughts on it later#it was. confusing? fun. unsatisfying? cathartic#i have to stop myself from. going back and trying to change the ending i got.#for the last 3 hours i was just agonising over all these small choices that really. just robbed me from the whole experience#its um. almost 6 am. lol#one thing i can say for sure.#completely unforgettable game. through all its flaws i can definitely name after 220 hours. i still thoroughly enjoyed it#forever altered my brain chemistry#i should. sigh. probably take a break from this game.#at least move on to a different game good lord. bg3 has completely consumed the last month and a half for me#i wont stay away for too long probably. i want to start my dark urge run finally#oh god its 6 am i have not slept at all#ok. goodnight dear followers. so so so tired.#chris noises#bg3
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...
#feelin weird. feelin real weird. in a bad way? no i guess not but more like im a haha wtf is happening here?#like i should maybe track my mood just so i can be like wtf is this? more bc i think its interesting#bc like i mean im spending ~11hrs in the lab and the stress has been real high and ive not been sleeping well#but like currently? i feel like i wanna run a mile. like i wanna run around in circles and scream and laugh until i cry#too much energy. too much energy. but y? where is it coming from? its weird#its like the edge of a headache. the cusp of turning. it doesn't quite feel bad yet but like i woke up at 4#and was insane until 6 when i had to get up and then i was in the lab all day until 6.30#and immediately i went for a run like empty stomach. i need to run now. and i still feel like that. like i need to run and run and run#but like y am i not exhausted? im not even tired? im vibrating#i watched the new successi0n episode twice and im losing my mind abt it#so its weird and i dont understand. but its not bad. it feels out of control like it feels fucked up but im not being like irradic#like if i was standing beside someone i dont think theyd notice. except maybe my sister bc i think if i talked id be noticeable#energetic. idk maybe im just exhausted and brain is pumping me with stress hormones so i csnt stop but i also csnt feel it#but i suspect its something to do with estrogen and progesterone levels changing which isnt great bc ive got a cycle that borders being#concerningly short but like idk rn its fun. im sure itll break and ill split apart but rn everything feels hilarious#its also weird bc im always like: y do i have so much energy after i dont sleep? is not sleeping thr answer. and today i was like hm#maybe i cant sleep bc i have too much energy. hm. idk its not bad. it doesn't feel bad#it just feels interesting and notable so im noting it. weird stuff. hopefully it pulls me thru tomorrow#bc my back fucking hurts lmao and its monday so ppl r back in the lab as i stand around for 11 hours#unrelated
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i was trying to make some recolors for fun n to hopefully upload some of the good ones as cc here w/o having to open my messed up game and then i realised if i do i NEED to open n fix my funky game no matter what for preview pics 😭
#kill me. kill now. me a kill needing a lot right now#i might try to do it when my brains better bc atm its absolutely waaaay too cluttered to focus on fixing my ts4 game#like im mid adjusting my ADHD meds so im not takinf any atm theres NOOO way i can focus on trying to fix this hell games lmfao#i also am in a depressive epusode soooo thats fun too#which suuuucks cause i have so many good recolor ideas aaaaaaaa#and i cant even open my game to run CAS so i cant even take preview pics in CAS -____-#so yeah im gonna try to as soon as my brains a little better n i have adjusted my adhd meds#but for now its still slim pickens TS4 content wise i genuinely apologise 😭#im rlly sorry like no joke but also rlly tired just exhausted#legit i apologise#but also like cmon#i just want to play my silly life simulation game and its like NOOOOOOPEE#i hate this game#pain. suffering even#nonsims#im losing it#non sims#shitpost#shit post#shitposts#shit posts#text posts#textposts#textpost#text post#jester posting
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(mild vent)
when your autistic and someone gets mad at you for not doing a thing, because you've been paralyzed all day (and for the last month tbh) and yell at you, partially justifiably, because you were asked multiple times over the span of days to do it, but you couldn't get your brain to work, so while yelling isn't the best solution, you understand their anger, while doing the thing they wanted you to do, and not letting you do it or them, so now you feel stuck, because you can't move on without "making it up to them", so know your crying like a little kid in the bathroom, over something you know for a fact they aren't even mad about anymore, and would probably apologize for yelling at you for if they noticed you were still upset, but your brain is literally fixated on the event, and your to afraid to start a conversation, because you know you'll probably only make them mad again, cause as much as you love and trust the person involved, they aren't perfect, and are neurotypical and will only see your explanations as excuses.....
not me, no, not at all.
(I'm fine don't worry, just having a funky little moment where my brains trying to implode over a little more than nothing and I'm trying to logic it back into staying vaguely calm)
#the childhood trauma in me is currently shaking crying ripping their hair out sniffling unconsolably#its been almost an hour since this event happened#the logical and vaugly not traumatized part of my brain is attempting to deescalate my brain space and the breakdown im having#its not working#autism#so fun and quirky#im gonna lose my marbles#I love havjn disproportionate reactions to things#and trust me#im being nice to myself#but I can acknowledge when im acting irrationally and still be kind and understand my trauma responses/autistic behavior#I can say:#this is an accepted and ok reaction to an event I faced and how I perceived such event. getting overwhelmed and feeling big feelings is ok#and#you've been crying for the last hour over something that could have been fixed with a 5 minute conversation you're too scared to have#both are happening#they're cohabitating in my skull#still not doing too hot#lucky me 🥲#I'm too tired to be autistic right now#my throat hurts from crying#I dont even really know why im crying anymore#so thats nice
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(in bed) one more nonsense post. did i talk about this....for the produce au im still weighing between taking more stuff from the school april fools, cuz putting more ppl on the behind-the-scenes (like chloes fashion designer ways...rustica songwriting.....the list goes on) makes..sense...?? + i think makes things more varied too for me in interactions.....rather than having akira life the tru imas-p life of a billion units<3
#stardust speaking !#also cuz i think the whole mithra being scouted to be a model was ssuuuuch a good idea still#school april fools is SO silly but its so dear to my heart#I HAD MORE THOUGHTS for kait but when it approaches midnight my brain goes 💤#aughhhhh i wanted to write more things today but we shall see tmrw...if i get time earlier.......#. wait kaitlyn wouldnt this au work for minori interactions too............like canon theyre freelancing still but ?#im sure it could work out somehow........for meetings................#uuuu i wanna interact w tsukasa tooT_T i do Not think akira could handle wondershow they have way too much energy#emu is like a meow-less murr#when ure in ur tired twenties n meet the loudest teens on earth#NOT TO SAY THEY WOULDNT BE FOND OF THEEEMMM i think seeing ppl try rly hard for something they love and have fun#makes it very easy to go :] how nice. n i think that goes for akira too#especially since how mucj tje wizards loves music n dance.....#..........head in hands faust asking akira to sing twinkle twinkle little star or whayever hhAAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH#im not alright but im done
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