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pumpkzsafeplace · 1 year

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i remember - (mental health poem written by tee).

BIG TRIGGER WARNING! this dicusses serious topics that has happened to me & what i've gone through, if you don't want to read that's perfectly okay, look after yourself first <3.

also this is the first time i'm sharing my writing in eight years, so i'm sorry if its not the best. i often say to people who are struggling to let out your feelings, so that's what i did tonight. i hope you like it.

─•~❉᯽❉~•─

i remember the day i was diagnosed with depression.

i remember the baggy clothes, the sweaty palms and the cramped waiting room.

i remember the smell of the cheap filled concealer i had painted over my body like a plaster cleaning up yesterday’s mess.

i remember the squeaky chairs and the sterilised room.

i remember sitting down on the patients chair,

and i remember how quickly the room transformed.

instead of the office, i was in a court room.

the doctor glaring at me hard from the judge’s stand.

as we sat and listened as my distant family came up to the witness stand,

describing how much I had changed- how I wasn’t the same little girl they knew and loved.

i remember being so confused- so guilt ridden for traumatising the people around me so much.

i remember how my parents looked on the prosecution stand,

i remember how they spoke about me- how i was nothing but a monster haunting the skin of the little girl they had hoped for.

i remember the judge calling for silence as he made his decision,

i remember how he looked at my family like they were the victim,

like they were the ones suffering.

and then the words filled the room as clear as day,

guilty for the crime of clinical depression.

and the sentence? a lifetime of loneliness, confined in the casing of my small purple box room.

i still remember that room, even now at the age of twenty-four.

i remember how it felt to sit there, and watch as time carried on around you.

how it felt to feel imprisoned, not only in your mind, but in reality, too.

i remember not really having a lot of friends,

i remember having to make them up in stories stored in the files of my computer.

i remember the storylines like they’re tattooed on my scarred skin,

the story of just wanting to be loved, wanting to be liked.

wanting to be normal.

i remember how much worse it got the older i got.

i remember how far i felt from the family dinner table as list continued,

like a cruel wish list from the world.

first depression, then anxiety, then borderline personality disorder and then finally autism.

like a cherry ontop of the crumpling cake of self confidence.

i remember how my family dismissed my feelings,

dismissing the facts put right in front of their faces,

claiming i was 'cured' years ago by the universe in the form of three terribly structured therapy sessions,

but boy where they wrong.

the monster was there.

and it was hungry.

it wanted the grief, the sadness, the loneliness.

it wanted the suffering to never end.

it wanted to live forever.

and it was slowly achieving it.

it got that good at masking, that people began to prefer it over me.

i remember feeling like a puppet with the monster holding the strings,

as it paraded over my life like it was it’s own,

killing anything hopeful in its path.

university was the boss battle.

the final show down between good and evil.

i remember how hopeful i was at the fresh start,

i remember how happy i was to be out of the purple room jail cell.

i was free! i was normal again!

but the monster was always there, lurking.

waiting for the right moment to strike.

and it really pulled out all it had for the last show off.

the first strike was getting petty arguments stirred up,

housemates fighting and arguing over small things, like kitchen roll placement.

but i was stronger than i was before, i could take it.

the second strike was getting roofied for the first time,

the vulnerability of not remembering anything but the regretful taste of alcohol on your tongue.

it was harsh and a cruel card to play,

but i was supported- i had friends now and i was looked after and cared for properly.

the third hit hard.

it hit harder than anything I’ve ever felt before.

for the monster to win, it had to play dirty,

it had to play on my fears.

pin me against the one thing i will always be petrified off, no matter how hard I hide it.

men.

i remember his hands.

i remember the numbness.

i remember the begging

i remember the violence.

i remember the dirt of it all.

it had won,

the monster had tipped the table.

i was done.

i didn’t want to fight in this useless battle anymore.

the tears,

the scars,

the trauma

what was it all for?

was it a cruel joke?

did i do something wrong?

why me?

i remember planning out my final days.

i remember the date on the calendar.

i remember the written letters, even now they still haunt my laptop.

like the taunt of words of never being brave enough to pick up that final blade.

to finally let the monster, have what it wants.

it won, i didn’t want to carry on anymore.

but just as the creature took it’s mighty laugh,

a light appeared from the corner.

it was a small light, and incredibly dull.

but it took both of surprise.

what the hell is it?

i don’t know.

as the light began to fade, it seemed like the universe had a final card to play in the battle.

one they had been saving just in case the monster got this strong,

it’s final battle cry in attempt to save this innocent soul.

and it was in the shape of a man.

no older than twenty, similar age at the time.

his brown hair was shaggy and a little overgrown,

as his blue eyes looked at me.

actually, looked at me.

he wasn’t seeing a monster.

he wasn’t seeing a broken daughter.

a mistake of broken genes.

he was seeing a woman that need help,

a women with rosy cheeks and the cutest blue eyes he had ever seen.

and so, he walked into the battlefield.

with a determined expression on his face as he picked up the blade.

and in a protective stance held it up to the monster,

preparing to battle for a strangers life.

someone he barely knew- but knew deep down she was important.

and he struck.

he struck deep and hard.

with the determination to rid the being once for all.

as light beamed over the pair,

and the clouds began to clear,

he held an awkward hand out in introduction.

“i’m ----”

“i’m tee.”

i still remember those dark times from time to time.

the haunt of loneliness torments my skin like an itch you just can’t scratch.

but on days like that, i look for the light.

it can be small and incredibly dull,

but even the hardest boss fights have a cheat code to win.

you just have to look hard enough.

and if you ever find yourself missing your army,

look around.

we may be small, but we’re strong when we’re together.

keep going, i believe in you.

it will get better,

i promise <3.

i'm here to make sure no one goes through what i did alone ever again <3.

gif isn't mine

#pumpkinposts #creative writing #writeblr #original poem #poems on tumblr #pumpkinspoems #mental health #mental heath support #mental heath awareness #mental health writing #mental health tw #mental health matters #autistic adult #actually bpd #bpd vent #bpd writing #Spotify

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dullahandyke · 8 months

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Ok hi dgs trial 3 part 2

Megundal is constantly doing the 🤨 emoji its killing me....

AND HE SAID QUARE 😭😭 SOBBBB oh I feel like every time this man opens his mouth I'm going to take psychic damage because all I can hear is my father

Also I cant be having conversations in this antechamber all I can think of is the 'losing lawyer has to suck off their opponent' fic

EEJIT 😭 he sounds like he came from a roddy doyle book I read as a child

Ok actually itd b more expedient to just name every piece of Irish slang megundal says that makes me die so thatll be at the end of the post

I chose the 'ja you're guilty' option n ryuu autist... call a spade a spade he does indeed

Man 'the reaper of the old bailey' is such a cool concept but it sucks that the only thing I know abt bvz is 'racist' and 'sucks off ryuu after losing court cases'. Yeah that's right I've had mid-post character development. I've decided that the thing about losing lawyers blowing each other after trials is canon

Also I hate megundal's hat it annoys me. Couldnt he just have been short

The thing abt going into the trial knowing fuck all is fun tho. Very the lost turnabout

Also I do like the idea of 'I don't even know if the client is guilty or not, dont even know anything about the case, but everyone deserves a defense' too bad iirc that doesnt reach its logical conclusion of 'even people you know to be guilty are worth defending' given the whole combatative relationship between defense and prosecution these games have going on. And like obvi I get why its always the prosecution ceding the defense's arguments but it does get to feel a bit lopsided despite all the nattering abt working together to find the truth

OMG ITS JUROR 3 FROM TUMBLR POSTS WHO HATES THE POLICE AND RICH PEOPLE!!!! Its like meeting a celebrity....

Not bvz with the vampire cloak opening sprite 😭😭😭😭

Also. Bvz 🤝 saïx. Bigoted antagonists who turn good at the end of the story who have the same scar

'Is it not the British way to be chivalrous and kind and give opportunities to foreigners at expense to yourself' megundal you're Irish you cannot be serious. Istg this fucking accent will be the death of me I cannot imagine him as saying anything to that effect and entirely believing it even tho logically I know there were Irish 'I got mine' gobshites... (autism symptom bullet point that reads 'difficulty comprehending different perspectives' appears over my head)

Oh that's right the jury thing... this is awesome

Also regrettably I have to say that bvz is hot. If he was a woman and not racist? Awooga. However he has to get there first before I get him any leeway

Also I've just realised that 'zieks' is probs pronounced more like 'zeeks' than 'zikes'. Huh that's gonna be difficult to adjust to

Also I like juror 4.... typing :)

Also I wanna do voices reading out all the dialogue but that means I have to find like 8 distinct British voices. Bvz is a brummy now

. Why is it the Phoenix wright omnibus

Oh the stained glass eye things before the cross examination are really cool

See my main quibble rn is that the skylight is only clearly visible from one angle when sitting on top of the omnibus, so unless both were sitting together on the same bench for some reason despite seeming perfect strangers, both couldnt have seen it

'I dont like blades' 'then why do you have that katana' 'that's not a blade that's asougis soul' wahhh...

Bvz's wine makes an appearance... love his little scythe wine bottle

BOOO DONT COMMENT ON THE DISPOSITION OF WOMEN FROM THE EAST AGAIN OR I KILL U DEAD !!!

Also I continue to enjoy ryuu's eyeliner

love ryuu pushing up his armband after leaving his sweaty sprite... nice little detail

Omg ryuu pacing once he puts this together ... yesss walk little gayboy

Why did they give juror 3 a sprite where hes licking the knife. Dont like that

Oh boo bvz took off his cloak... he looks less cool now

Omg perjury is a thing in this game you love to see it

Also can we get beppo a blanket or something

Halp me 'could he have just happened to see the exact moment the crime was committed? Some days are just like that'... ryuu pls tell us abt yr day to day

Fairplay keeps eating his cane... boy get some chewlery

I do like that juror 3 getting his knife stuck in the bench is worked into the dialogue. Even the people reading the transcript know that you're shit at knife wielding

Omg ryuu drew the little diagram of the view from the omnibus? That's so cute... artist man

Love it when they object back and forth... fuck yes the girls are fighting

Also it mihjt jusr have been a while since I've aced my attorneys but I feel like the witnesses jn this game are a lot more deliberately deceitful and guilty of other crimes and it's awesome. Yes boy withhold information for malicious reasons

Omg Gina? Is it Gina time?

GINAAAAAAAA YES I SEE HER!!!!!! HIIIII HI GINA!!!!!!!

DONT JUST OUT GINA AS A PICKPOCKET U LITTLE FUCK! could've just said she was a beggar or something

Omg Gina dialogue and theme yayyyyy love her... I enjoy her slight :3 mouth

MEGUNDAL LIST

Also this cockney transliteration is awful

Small detail but I love how Gina is introduce as 15 but the court record says shes 17. Yes girl lie about your age for fun and profit

BVZ LEGSLAM!!

Also 'iron-heeled Wellington' please dear God tell me this man is not wearing metal wellies

Omg the evidence suddenly changing midtrial....yessss that's so awesome

Accidentally pressed twice on one of Gina's statements and only the second time does megundal have anything to say on it.... huh

OPEN AND FAIR COMPETITION IS WHAT A CAPITALIST SOCIETY IS ALL ABOUTTHHWNWJWJAKWQJNQAKKA

Arrived at the first thing that's proper stumped me :( accusing fairplay and furst... girl what do u present I dont wanna have to turn on story mode

Ok I had to look up a walkthru before I realised u had to examine the skylight from the interior... eye see

RYUU TURNING THE LEARNED FRIEND NAME ON BVZ YES GET HIM

Oh this music as we close the trial and ryuu fruitlessly objects is banging

Also as much as hes a lying rich cunt I do like megundal I think his influence over the trial is rlly interesting

WEVE UPGRADED TO FIREWORKS UPON A NOT GUILTYY???? THAT CANT BE OSHA APPROVED (osha does not exist yet)

'Gina really does take forever to load that gun' I AAS THINKING THR SAMS THING.... ryuu you're a man of the people

IRIIIIIIIIIIIS IRIS IRIS IRIS IRIS IRIS IRIS IRIS SHES HEEEEERE IRIS IRIS IRIS! AW HER THEME IS SO CUTE

HELP ME SUSATO HAS A PLEADING EMOJI SPRITE???? NDNSKWKQOQ I HAD NOT SEEN THIS BEFORE

GREGSON SPOTTED

Also the burning carriage... eyes emojiiiii that was cool... magundal you daft cunt

That was a fun case and rlly interesting.... it's taking a while to get the pieces together for the status quo but they're keeping things interesting while they set it up so I dont mind as much

I'll try for the fourth case tomorrow but according to the longplay I've been basing my guesstimates off of, it's long as shit and I have a 2 hour driving lesson in the middle of the day... might try wake super early or something and get done the first section and then marathon it noon til night. The last trial is for sure gonna take me two days, rlly hope mam's fine with taking me back to the city on Sunday instead of Saturday

Chancer

Blackguard (still fucks me to know its spelt like that and not blaggard)

Begorrah

Ara

Be whist

Afore

#the gaelic athletic attorney

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softlittleheartsandsparkles · 1 year

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But maybe that situation is a lack of understanding of social cues on there part? Like maybe they don't know there being rude, because there autistic and now you blocked them.

What part of lack of understanding could they be struggling with? They replied to a post 3 days ago I made, that was an intro going "idk what any of this means *blank emoji, sweaty emoji*" and when I explained they got defensive saying they already knew this stuff, on the two things I replied with. One being of me explaining everything, second one was a link to a video. - 3 days ago, that should've been the end of it. As I didn't reply with there rudeness. & it was slight for 3 days. But no, they decide today, to come back with friends tagging them, going : "omg we should do this" "yees girrrrl" "omg this is so great, your a genius (to the person tagging there friend) Oh geez your so smart and creative!! Kimmy!! (again to the person tagging. NOT me)" "Lets larp in the park!!! FAiry tea parties!!!" and then tagging me. going "Oopsies I didn't mean to tag you. *hand covering mouth emoji*" and "ugh fb keeps wanting me to tag this bitch." (calling me a bitch isn't a lack of social cues. that's name calling. It meant to insult.) How the fuck is that a lack of understanding of social cues? This isn't a "oh golly I don't understand social cues!! All I did was call you a bitch! My lord!" this is call passive aggressive behavior. :/ There's nothing "autistic" about it. & there's nothing about a "lack of understanding on their end." It's immaturity. It was done to try to get under my skin, as it started at 7am, and was going until 9am. So yeah. Not autism. Its rudeness.

#scribbles

0 notes

faroutspacenuts · 3 years

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my dobie gillis ass watching the crystallites and when junior activates the bravery belt and he said you rang

#it's called autism sweaty<3

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lovely-necromancy · 3 years

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A Cure for Insomnia Ch.3

WARNING DECEPTIONS OF A PANIC ATTACK

I understand seeing others go through this can sometimes cause panic or anxiety attacks in some and with the use of some imagery I've used I'd feel better if I gave a fair warning that there is a detailed panic attack early on.

,,,,,,,,,,

Whoever said eight hours of sleep was the right amount for humans has never met an insomniac who just spent the last six days and five nights awake. You hoped that fucker is in hell burning for his sins, he probably has more of them that you don't know of. But with bleary eyes looking at your phone you can barely make out that it's just a little past six in the morning. This is backed up by the slimmers of light shinning through the blanket you put over the window last night. Briefly the thought of keeping it up today passes through your mind as you try to curl into an even tighter blanket cocoon.

Stretching out your legs and toes you let your muscles melt into mush in the warmth and comfort of your bed. Closing your eyes and burying your head back into the pillow, you might not be able to go to sleep but resting is nice too. You're so relaxed it almost feels as if all your limbs are floating and you feel the buzz of energy come surging back through you, you hum along with it nuzzling into the pillows.

'Your car was broken into.' the thought flashes through your mind and has you jolting up right.

Chest heaving slightly as frantic eyes dance along the room that hasn't changed since the night before. The buzzing energy from just a few moments before turns into an icy feeling flowing in your veins. It chills you to your core and you've noticed the tremors in your arms causing you to tremble. There's a sick feeling that bubbles up your throat, as you feel the phantoms of tens of hands grabbing at your arms and torso. They move erratically all over and their grips are suffocating, there's a lump in your throat that you have trouble swallowing down.

Bringing a hand up to your throat you jab your thumb right above or right at where your larynx would be. The slight pain from the pressure helps ease the lump away and you're able to get out a few frantic breaths. You hardly notice the wetness on your face from the few tears slipping free from your eyes.

'Gross, gross, gross, gross.' is the only message that rings clear in your mind as you're assaulted by these phantom hands.

You're aware this is a panic attack, but it does little to calm you down. Putting more pressure on your throat and using your feet to propel you back into the mattress. Vaguely you're aware that tiring your body out should calm you or maybe it's the release of an emotional fit that calms you, you aren't sure which and you don't really care at the moment. So flailing your legs you let your feet forcefully slip off of their purchase as you push your muscles to their full extent with force. It doesn't take long before you can't feel your limbs and are gasping for breath.

The phantoms are gone, no longer touching you as they please, and while the lump still sits at the bottom of your throat making it hurt to swallow and breathe around you can begin to feel calm. Actually it's the numbness that takes over you, not a sense of calm. The sense of an empty shell broken from its exertion. One thing's for sure you can't take your car today. If you had a panic attack just by thinking of your car you don't want to risk actually getting behind the wheel.

Everything feels tense, the muscles in your legs are starting to ache and you're pretty sure you'll have a bruise at the base of your throat. You check your phone with shaky hands to see it's now seven twelve. If you get up now and leave you think you can probably make it into town by eight forty giving you time to grab something from the Dunkin' on the corner across from the shop. Or you could call out, Nate would totally understand. But just the thought of being alone today sends a chill down your spine and the feeling of those phantom hands start creeping their way back into your personal space.

“I'm going to work!” jumping up and out of the bed, away from the grubby grabby specters.

Running around the room you throw on a pair of black shorts, unusual for you to wear at work but if you're walking you'll have to deal, sweaty jeans are uncomfortable and joggers aren't very cohesive to a work environment. Deciding on a binder made from a breathable swimsuit material for the same reason, sweaty bra is too uncomfortable and bra-less isn't really something you're comfortable with. Grabbing the first shirt you find, it's a black tee with the words “The only man for me is Mothman” printed on it surrounded by little white stars and a chibi lil mothamn.

Looking at your outfit altogether cheers you up. It's casual but cute, not to mention these shorts do a lot for your thighs and butt. But, there's no time to dwell on how handsome you are, you need to grab food and get out the door like ten minutes ago! Grabbing a mask printed with the word 'No' dead center and your headphones you leave your room. With the thought of grabbing Dunkin' before work you settle on a Pedialyte Pop to hold you over during your walk, nausea shouldn't hit you right away anyway. Checking your door was locked, thrice, you started your trek to town.

Most people would complain about having to walk or hike while wearing a mask, often times saying it was hard to breathe under the fabric. But you'd say they just didn't have the right size mask for their face shape. You'd run into a few masks that hadn't been the right shape or size throughout the years but you're thankful that your first three had been perfect. Had they been too big or small you probably wouldn't have fallen in love with wearing masks, they were so comfy and let you interact with people without your voice getting stuck in your throat.

You'd taken to wearing them after high school when you'd taken a job of watching an elderly hospice patient's corgi while her family worked on moving to Virginia and closer to her. Anytime you and little Russel went to visit her you'd had to wear a mask, so instead of wearing the disposables you'd bought a set of three reusable ones.

After noting the change in behavior she mentioned your Autism, she'd been a retired social worker and saw the signs when she met you and after spending nearly 40 hours a week together for half a year she was certain you somehow fell through the cracks. It was a shock to you when she threw out the off handed comment but after stating who your pediatrician was, she was sent into a fit of laughter.

“Anya is a dear and a great surgeon, but I think the cultural barrier has stopped her from diagnosing children for years.” she had said all the while wheezing through the oxygen mask, eyes crinkling in amusement.

She'd sat you down with a list of books to look into and written out all your symptoms, she said if you ever wanted to get tested having the list of symptoms would be more helpful than straight up asking for a diagnosis. Some doctors were too by the book back in the 40s so Autism has rarely been studied in depth. Only in the last decade or so has a movement gained momentum to spread not only a wider awareness of the disorder but also acceptance for it. But to a doctor it would seem like you were grasping for attention at least to anyone who spent less time with you than she had. But without at least six thousand dollars to spend on a piece of paper that confirms what you already know you'll just have to stick to coping by using methods you read about from forums and blogs made by people with Autism rather than their parents or someone who's “very close” to them. And like Mary Anne said before she died, “just because you don't have a diagnosis doesn't mean your symptoms aren't there.”. A statment that reassures you from time to time, when you think you must be faking it for attention. And that somehow you managed to fake tics your whole life.

Snapping out of your memories because you could hardly tell your mask was on, and has been for the past forty minutes or so since you'd finished your pop. It wasn't too hot at the moment and like the previous day Kepler's climate has no humidity whatsoever, a huge change from the coast. Checking the time again on your phone you see the clear white numbers stating boldly that it is eight o' nine. You don't feel any closer to town but figure that's normal when all you've seen is the old over grown road. You feel you should have seen the road leading to town by now, you hope you see it soon or else you'd really over estimated how long it would take to get to town, then you'd be hella late and sweaty. With the way you still had signal to the spotify you doubt you've even made it far enough to reach the dead zone.

Sighing you look down as you walk hoping to maybe find a rock to kick, walking's really boring when there's nothing to explore and you're on a time crunch. A loud honk takes you out of your head and you startle looking up. Doesn't take more than a second before you see a car stopped in the middle of the road in front of you. It's well taken care of for sure but not necessarily new or anything, you don't know too much about cars other than it looks like a black Camry no wait that's the Hyundai symbol. Some type of sedan then.

The back window on your side of the car rolls down and a man leans out and calls to you, you don't hear him at first. Slipping your headphones down to hang around your neck he repeats himself, “Do ya need a ride?” He has a southern accent on the thicker side, not abnormal for West Virginia but you can tell it's not the same dialect, probably from further down. The man has blonde hair styled in that fluffy swooped faux hawk that a lot of gamers had back in 2017/2018. He's got slight thin stubble along his jaw, not quiet five o'clock shadow so he probably has trouble growing facial hair. His eyes are that hazel color everyone wishes they could have, the kinda that had the orangish yellow glow about them. He looks like a fuck boy.

You're nearly ready to point at your mask in an indication of 'no I don't know you creep' when you catch sight of the driver. A boy around your age maybe who looks apathetic, that's not what catches your eye everyone looses the will to live at some point. What draws your attention is the mask he's wearing on his face. He could potentially be like you, or maybe he's just sick and being considerate, or he could have allergies. Whatever the case may be you can't honestly be considering getting into a car with two random men just because one wears a face mask. Hell for all you know they've orchestrated this situation, they could've been watching you analyzing your every move to know that breaking into your car would send you into a state of panic where you wouldn't use your car the next day or two, then you'd be out in the open to kidnap on your walk to town where you couldn't call for help due to being in the dead zone. Why else would they be this far along the old dirt road?

“Ah...miss?” the southern drawl brings you out of your inner ramblings, and the words cause you to bristle.

“I'm not a woman.” you say calmly but firmly.

“Oh, ah sorry sir.” you can't help but huff a laugh at the quick apology, your eyes catch movement through the window. Oh they have a dog with them, a rottweiler at that. Cool kidnappers with a dog, who's wearing a vest how...wait dog in vest oh he must be a service dog. Cool not kidnappers then, just strangers, nice. Seemingly trans allys, slight common ground with the driver, and a service dog it might be safe to engage...or at least humor these men.

“It's fine, I'm They/Them for the record.” You say approaching the car, you make your way to the man leaning out of the window, somehow the presence of a service dog puts you more at ease, especially when the dog only spares you a single glance before his attention's back on the driver, who's not even pretending to pay attention to the two of you. His leg is bouncing up and down, it's not rhythmic and no one's paying attention even as it shakes the car. Probably has ADHD, your dad does that all the time when he's at a stop light, it's a subconscious movement he even does it in waiting rooms or anywhere where he has to sit still really.

“Oh, well sorry 'bout that Mx.” the man in the window stresses the “Mx” but not in the typical fuck boy way, more like he was reinforcing it to himself. “We just saw you walkin' and wanted to see if ya' needed a ride anywhere.” he says.

“If you're going to town, I'd appreciate one, but I wouldn't want to be a bother.” his smile brightens at this but you notice it doesn't reach his eyes, probably just being polite.

“Sure thing, hop on in.” He moves to slide back but you've already opened the passenger door and slid into the seat. Effectively snapping the driver out of whatever haze he was in to look at you, he looks back at his friend with confusion.

“Hi” you say to the driver who gives his own wary 'hey' in response as you buckle yourself in. The driver looked even more apathetic up close, dark eye bags under his eyes that were such a deep brown you couldn't see his pupil he also had that fluffy brown e-boy hair. Not the frizzy hair marketing itself as fluffy but the type that's genuinely fluffy looking forming soft waves in his hair.

If they are kidnappers they're really bad at it, especially if all you have to do to stun them is sit up front in a seat that has the second most control in the car and can escape quicker if the need arises. However, glancing back at the dog you notice his attention's still on the driver, it would be really dumb if a kidnapper brought their service dog with them to do a kidnapping so you're reassured that it's just two southern boys driving through Kepler. And they happened to spot a “damsel” in distress, so they came to the rescue.

“Oh, don't mind Connor he won't bother you. He's here for Toby right now.” The man in the back says and you see the man beside you grip the steering wheel tighter. You nod in response and feel a tickle at the base of your skull, you'll try holding back the tic to not freak the two out.

Just as “Toby” is about to put the car in drive, a bark is heard from the back seat. A frustrated sigh leaves Toby as his hand leaves the gear shift, scowl clear even on his masked face. You guess Toby needs Connor to let him know when he's safe to drive, it's rude to ask about these things but you can't help but guess why that'd be the case.

Another bark leaves Connor right as your head snaps to the right moving back to place, then right, right, up, and right before cracking violently.

“There we go.” you verbalize.

Toby's looking at you in what you can only guess is shock, not the worst reaction you've had to your tics, meanwhile you notice Brian's looking to Connor who's looking directly at you now. Then his head whips around to Toby and he barks, like clockwork Toby's shoulders jerk forwards and his hands jolt up. Connor looks back at you and gives a bark, your head jerks three times cracking your neck two of those times. Connor's gaze is still on you and you know he'll be in an ongoing ping pong game between you and Toby if you keep triggering each other's tics the entire drive, if you'd even be able to get to that point.

“I'm fine, thank you.” you said looking at Connor while holding the sides of your head, trying to as your friend Emonie once said 'keep the bobble head away'.

Thankfully Connor must have had a training course similar to ones you've helped with because he looks away from you and focuses on Toby, who he gives several barks to. Following those barks Toby pops his knuckles and makes a 'mrrwo' sound, sort of imitating a cat, before his head jerks sharply into his knee that jerked up at the same time. You cringe at the sight knowing that must have hurt, hands still firmly pushing your head you see Connor settle down in the back, still on alert but laying down as if to say the muscle spasms have passed. You won't risk removing your hands, you still need a ride into town and this whole situation's put you behind to where you won't make it if you walk now.

“pfft...” you look back to the blonde and he looks ready to burst with laughter from what he just watched. Heat creeping up your face you turn and look away, sure the situation's funny but you don't know these two men and honestly you just feel so embarrassed right now. Especially with last night's incident at the mini mart still fresh in your memory.

“Will you fucking shut up!” Toby barks out, and the blonde tries harder to suppress his laughing fit. Toby glares at his friend before turning his attention back to the road, hand on the gear shift he waits for an alert before putting the car in drive and doing a U-turn back to town.

It's been a while since you've been a passenger in a car, you actually get to take the time to relax and enjoy the passing scenery as Toby drives. He's a surprisingly good driver, most guys his age are speed demons and always want to see how fast they can get away with driving. Toby on the other hand is abiding by the limit even on this open stretch of road with no other cars. But you guess it comes with the territory of needing a service dog to be able to drive, have to abide by the rules. The drive's quiet, you take it as a good thing that the men aren't trying to question or get to know you. If they were kidnappers or up to something nefarious surely they'd be trying to distract you right now with endless chatter to let your guard down. Especially if they'd been watching you and knew what a total chattering encyclopedia you could be when given the right topic. You're gazing out into the window seeing the sign of the town get closer finally when the thought hits you.

“So, your name's Toby, is it short for Tobias?” turning to look at the man, he spares a single side glance with his furrowed brows before responding with an uneasy 'Yea'.

“Cool, sorry if that was a weird question. Tobias is like the best name I've ever heard but I've only met three Tobiases, including you. Could I call you Tobias or do you prefer Toby?”

“I don't really care.” gotta love apathy.

“Cool, cool. Thanks for the ride Tobias!” you chirp out.

“Hey, forgetin' that I'm the one who offered the ride?” The man in the backseat speaks up.

“No, you just never gave me your name. You said Connor's” and ear twitch is all you get such a good boy, “and you said Tobias'. Never mentioned your own.”

“It's Brian, sugar.” you were correct, this man is a fuck boy.

“Yikes, that's gross.”that was a reflex and it was now Toby's turn to laugh at his friend. The man didn't even hide his snickers even had his shoulders bouncing up and down, you think you even caught a mumbled “I won't hesitate bitch”. Meanwhile Brian sat stunned, guess he was used to people finding his nicknames more endearing, meaning he probably meant nothing by it and it was probably the southern accent but it just made you think of the senior men who'd hit on you back before you moved out here.

“Yea don't call me 'sugar', anyway, I'm YN, it's nice to meet you three.” Toby just nods as his laughter dies down a clucking sound resonates from his throat, Brian however goes right back to his friendly persona with a 'good to meet ya.' Again it's slightly off, it doesn't feel like he's trying to be polite...it feels like...you can't put your finger on it but it's familiar. Like when you fake a conversation with Nate or your mother on the days where exhaustion is nearly killing you, but Brian doesn't seem tired or sluggish.

The rest of the drive is relatively quiet as you direct Toby how to maneuver the streets and he parks in the parking lot of Dunkin'. While you were getting out you'd asked the men if you could get them anything from Dunkin' as a thank you for driving you. Brian tried to decline but Toby spoke over him with what “they” wanted.

“Ok cool, can Connor have a pup cup?” unsure if service dogs could have treats while working.

Sparing a glance to the good boy in question Toby shrugged “Yea, he's due for a break any-anyway.” he ends with popping his knuckles. You assume Connor only alerts motor tics when Toby is driving or about to start driving, since that tic didn't get clocked.

You repeat the order to the cashier once inside. You also get a frozen caramel coffee and an iced caramel coffee for you and Nate along with a box of donuts to pick from for the day. When she hands you everything you're able to balance Toby's order on top of your box and your drinks in the other hand. Walking out with the help of the next man coming in, nodding thanks as you pass him, you see Toby leaning against his car with Connor sitting next to him, no vest on.

It's terrifying how well trained Connor is, because the dog you left in the car barely paid you any mind. While this hyper pup's tail is wagging at just the sight of you, his paws lifting slightly in a tiny dance as you get closer. But he doesn't dare move from his sit, looking up at Toby for cues and looking at you who holds his treat. Had you not worn a mask for so long you may have missed the smile Toby gave Connor as he pat the dog's head. The slight crinkles around the edges were a dead give away though. With a quick snap Connor is released from whatever command he'd been held by and runs up to you once you're five feet from them.

Drooling mouth opening and closing in an odd mute bark for a dog this size. You take note of the fact that while he's jumping excitedly and pawing the air he hasn't laid a single paw on you. Whoever trained him knew what they were doing that's for sure. Looking up to Toby you hold the one hand outstretched for him to take his items, a tray with Connor's pup cup and his iced coffee, and a white baggie with three donuts, strawberry glazed, maple glazed, and an apple fritter.

Once he's taken his items you balance your drinks on top of the box. Connor's attention hasn't moved from you even through the exchange. You're a little confused by the pup's antics but he probably thinks he can get a donut off you.

“Sorry bubbie, your dad's got your treat not me.” that dopey little face tilts to the left not understanding you aren't the treat giver at this time. You laugh letting him smell the hand that had the coffee in it so maybe he'd understand you didn't have his treat. He excitedly sniffs you, and gives you a few licks before sitting back right in front of you with a blur of a tail behind him. Such a silly boy, he deserves some chin scritches.

“He's smart, told him you'd give 'im this.” Toby says holding out the pup cup to you, as you bend at an awkward angle balancing food in one hand while scratching his dog with the other.

Connor's a little disappointed when his pets stop but jumps to all fours when he sees the pup cup. His tail is wagging so fast you'd be afraid his butt will fall off, if that was a thing that could happen. You go to put the cup in front of him but Toby stops you.

“Hold on, Connor sit.” As soon as his name was called his bottom was on the ground. “You already know his release word so when you want him to take it just say the release.” He says offhandedly while placing the bag in the passengers seat and his drink in the cup holder. You can hear murmured arguing from inside the car, but choose to ignore it. These guys clearly aren't kidnappers, and if they were it's so stupid to kidnap you in broad day light after you just made a purchase and with literally a street in between you and your work, where your boss is waiting for you.

Placing the cup in front of Connor you didn't think it was possible for him to get any more excited but his tail is now undetectable by the human eye. He looks from his treat to you, back, and back to you. Toby said you already knew the release, and there's only one thing you've said to Connor throughout the trip.

“Thank you.” it's immediate, for such a well mannered service dog on and off duty this pup has no table manners. There is whip cream everywhere it's on the ground, his paws, even behind his head. How on earth did he manage that? This must be Connor's only character flaw because Toby is back with what you can only assume are all the napkins he had received in the donut bag, and service vest under his arm.

Once the pup cup was utterly decimated Connor sat happily, butt wiggling, as his dad wiped the rest of the whip cream off of him. Showing the pup the huge glob he had behind his ear only had him licking it off the napkin before licking his dad's face.

“Wrong.” Toby called, a little bummed the pup calmed down a bit but his tail was still going. Toby paused before he slipped the vest back on Connor. Head jerking back twice he looked over to you.

“You wanna say 'bye'?” you perked at the question, if you had a tail of your own it'd probably be wagging just as fast as Connor's.

Do you want to pet a dog, what kind of question was that? Of course you fucking do. Yea you might be late to work but petting a dog is always worth it. Setting your breakfast and coffee on the hood of the car you bent down with Toby to Connor's level.

If that dog could talk he'd tell everyone you gave the best ear scratches, sure you may have smooshed his wrinkly face a ton. But you were so nice and was that baby coos, ah he loves you new best friend. Connor jumped up when you started cooing and gave you a ton of kisses to the face. You couldn't stop laughing and the repetitive motion triggered a tic. Thankfully your mask was on so Toby couldn't see you tongue poke out repeatedly as you said “bleh” in between giggles.

“Wrong.” he says gently pushing the drooling pup away. Shaking the spit off his hand before scratching the pup under the chin, right where the bottom of his ear met his jaw. The pup instantly melted calming into his handlers touch. With his dog now calm he whistles and Connor is standing up straight, Toby slips the vest over his head and secures it. Connor the puppy has turned back into Connor the good boy working pup.

Grabbing your stuff from the hood of the car you turn to Toby and Connor, “Thanks again for the ride, and for letting me pet your dog.”

You're met with a simple shrug, not much phases Toby you've noticed. Aside from his tics that is.

“See ya later Tobias!” with that you're on your way to cross the street legally, and by that you totally jay walked out into traffic in front of the sheriff. You may have jay walked in front of the sheriff, but he didn't do anything so you're fine.

#A cure for insomnia #proxies x reader #proxies #ticci tobyx reader #ticcitoby #ticci toby #timothy wright #timothy wright x reader #brian thomas x reader #brian thomas #masky x reader #masky x hoodie #masky #hoodie #creepypasta fanfic

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livebloggingmydescentintomadness · 3 years

Note

(anon about the food texture)

ashley thank you so much for being so kind and validating. i’m so sick of people just calling me a picky eater and making me seem like such a struggle to deal with when i will literally vomit from eating an avocado. i’ve been looking through your autism tags and notice that there are some things on it that directly connect to me. while i’m not sure that i’m autistic, it is very validating to know that there are other people that also have those things they like/hate and that it’s not just me being “difficult” but that there’s an actual explanation for it.

people in my life probably won’t understanding of it ever but i feel so much better knowing at least one person does think i’m being dramatic, so thank you from the bottom of my heart :)

i really really hope you are doing well, and if not i hope things get better for you soon. you deserve only good things

that is so kind of you, darling, thank you. and i'm super glad that you're feeling connected and validated by the autism tags; i think that at a certain point, it doesn't really matter what you "are" so much as it matters that there's nothing wrong with being that way.

i've never had many sensory issues relating to food, but for most of my life i've had a lot of sensory issues about clothes. such as, i can't wear synthetic fabrics, i can't stand button-downs without a t-shirt beneath it, i can't stand my bra sticking to my skin, i can't stand sweaty clothes, and i used to ask my mom to hang up my shirts as soon as they were done in the dryer, because if they sat around they would get this certain texture i hated. she definitely thought that was Weird, but didn't try to force me to be 'normal', thankfully.

i also can't stand it when my skin is covered in sweat (unfortunate, since i live in southeast texas :/) - it seems to trigger a sensory overload where the sticky film on my skin is ALL i can feel and my brain is screaming "bad bad BAD". i don't know why that is, i just know that it's something i have to deal with, and the fact that it's weird doesn't change its existence.

it sounds to me that, for some reason, soft textured foods also cause you some sort of sensory overload, so your brain flips out and tries to get rid of it. the fact that that's an atypical reaction doesn't change its existence, so you have to deal with it, and no one should make fun of you for it or pressure you to subject yourself to unpleasant stimuli. it's not as though you like either vomiting or avoiding common foods, right?

this is just how your body works, so you do what's best for you, dear. eat what feels and tastes good to you, and try not to let anyone get you down. take care of yourself. <3

#autism #sensory issues #emetophobia tw #vomiting tw #anonymous #ask #oh you know what other texture i can't stand? killmonger's scars in black panther #whenever i see gifs of him with his shirt off my brain starts convulsing #sorry mr jordan

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iconsumeheadcanons · 4 years

Text

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :((( so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff. joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

#my writing #p3 #p4 #p5 #persona 3 #persona 4 #persona 5 #ren #futaba #souji #hamuko #minato #vibes straight thru the sun #i sincerely hope the read more works #im so srry for grammar problems #i literally cant read rn

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ti-bae-rius · 5 years

Text

Travel Diary - Day 3 (Wednesday)

[This is purely for me aka a therapy thing so if you don’t wanna read, just block the tag #lauryndoesindependence. This isn’t going to be well-written or anything, it’s just here for me to record my thoughts. I thought I’d put it up purely because it might help some other autistic people who are heading towards independence - however temporary that might be]

Today was a Very Hard Day. I woke up very sweaty and tangled in sheets after having a nightmare that apparently had me calling out in my sleep. My chest hurt very badly so I sat in bed with my weight bag until midday.

I got up and had a shower and started to feel a bit better but I didn’t have any appetite. This worried me A Lot because of my emetophobia. I started panicking it was because I was ill for example. I had a panic attack and rested for a while. Later, around 4, I started to feel a bit better and had two slices of toast. The day was getting A Bit Better.

Then it got VERY BAD. I had a panic attack and a meltdown at the same time (my least favourite type because it’s like both at once and it’s awful). I had a new hand spasm during it which freaked me out a bit. It was very scary because instead of the tunnel vision and metallic smell I normally get in panic attacks I had hypersensitivity too. Pressure hugs eventually helped and I calmed down.

Tonight I’m driving home to sleep in my own bed tonight and recharge. It was too many new things all at once and I need to get back to everything being normal and okay for a bit. I’ll try again tomorrow to go back and spend the last night away from home.

Even though today was Not Good, there were good bits and that’s important. I had a nice hot chocolate, and I set up a new discord server, I got some really nice messages and learnt new things. There were good bits in a Bad Day. And even though today was very difficult, that’s okay. I can try again tomorrow. Sometimes I think people assume I’ve somehow “mastered” autism and know what I’m doing, but I don’t. Not always. Not even most of the time. That’s okay too. I don’t always have to be happy online. It’s okay to be honest sometimes, like now, and say sometimes things are very hard.

Time to recharge the batteries I think. x

#lauryndoesindependence #lauryn does independence

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disabled-queen-hc-blog · 5 years

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As an autistic person, this is an idea from personal experience: autistic John but highfunctional and he can hide it in public mist of the times, but this one time he snaps when he’s tired, it’s too crowded, and he suddenly lost something important to him and just paniks and drops to the floor and screams, making people scared and misunderstands and think he’s crazy, but the rest of queen helps him find the thing and John calms down the moment he sees the thing :’) idk something like that haha

There is a saying that people with autism do not outwardly show their autism until the demands of their environment exceed their capabilities.

So for John, the demands are within his ability to deal with for most of the time.

He can smile and talk and shake hands when the situation calls for it. He can go grocery shopping by himself and ride the bus, no issue.

John’s never really had any sort of incident before, so he thinks this is just his life. And so does every one around him.

Until one day.

Maybe they’re at some sort of press release. John couldn’t sleep much the night before because of a random burst of insomnia. It happens. It should be no big deal.

But the room they’re in is brightly lit. The crowd is packed, dozens of cameras flashing in their faces, the room hot from their body heat, hundreds of voices yelling over each other.

The four of them are sitting at a small table up front, squished together. Roger’s next to him and the smell of cologne mixed with malboros is nauseating. Freddie keeps laughing into the microphone that is way too loud for this rather small room they’re in.

Absolutely every noise, every smell, every flash is bothering him. He starts to feel anxious, so under the table he’s fiddling with his jeans. He breaks out into goosebumps, going a little pale. He keeps drinking water, assuming he’s dehydrated or something. His chest gets tight and his eyes go watery. Everything is beginning to feel like way too much. Like he’s being shoved into a tiny corner.

He is so close to losing it. Under the table, he grabs Roger’s hand and squeezes it painfully. A quiet way of saying, Help me. Roger only has to look at John’s face, red glassy eyes, white skin and sweaty brows to figure something’s the matter.

Roger says into the mic “Smoke break”, laughs and helps John out of the room.

John can barely think at this point. He can’t get out a coherent sentence. Every nerve is on fire. When they make it to somewhere private, he just breaks down. An overload although he doesn’t know it. He crouches onto the floor, forehead pressing against the carpet, crying.

Roger has no idea what to do, so he runs back to get the other’s. Press meeting cut short.

The 3 run back to figure out what’s bothering John but John can’t help them. He keeps mumbling something about everything hurting. His eyes, ears, nose, even his skin.

All their calming words and back rubs don’t help, feeling how John rocks harder when they speak or how he goes stiff when they touch him. They decide to just sit around him, not saying anything, but letting him know that they’re there.

Within 15 minutes, John is able to come back to, the extreme discomfort going away after changing the environment. He’s sniffling, rubbing his face, absolutely confused as to what just happened.

The boys don’t have any answers either, but they do give him some hugs and snuggles once he’s ready to get them.

They’ve never seen or experienced an overload before, so this is all very strange to them. They know John’s a bit sensitive to sensory stuff, but never like this. Although they don’t have a word for it, they assume it’s something to do with his diagnosis and make sure to watch out for it.

It doesn’t happen frequently, but when it does, they know what to do. And John isn’t as puzzled by it when he feels one coming on. And he’s quite happy he can trust the boys to help him rather than make fun of him or freak out.

#john #autistic!john #Anonymous

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supertam87 · 6 years

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Real Talk With SuperTam

Several people have asked me to share the full text of the talk I gave at Harrison’s (SuperSon1) funeral. Dale shared an excerpt earlier today. I am happy that it has touched people and hopefully will open up some much needed dialog. Please remember that these are the words I spoke over my son’s coffin. They are sacred to me. We are a religious family. If there is something you don’t understand, I will explain without preaching to you or trying to convert you! I talk about mental illness and suicide. If that is a trigger for you, please beware.

Real Talk With SuperTam

My dear brothers and sisters – never before in my life have I understood so fully that we are all truly brothers and sisters. Your outpouring of love and support has overwhelmed us in the best way. Saying thank you and we love you and we are grateful seems too simple for all that has been done on our behalf this past 10 or so days. And yet truth is simple. The gospel is simple. What we have experienced is the gospel in its purest form. Thank you all for being here. I’d also like to thank our interpreters, Chip Royce and Jeff Born, who are friends of Dale as well as colleagues.

Harrison made it very clear that I needed to talk today and he was a little bit bossy about it. I’m one of the mouthy ones in Relief Society. You can pretty much count on the fact that either Janet Williams or I are going to say something – Janet’s comments are usually more profound, but we both usually say it like it is. Harrison asked me to say it like it is today. So, we are going to have what I’m calling Real Talk with SuperTam, (because that’s my nickname).

Harrison killed himself. Very few people want to say that. People don’t want to talk about it. People do want to talk about it but they don’t know how. It’s an unbearably painful topic. People keep telling Dale and myself that we are so brave to talk openly about what Harrison did. We never considered any other option. It didn’t feel brave to either one of us, just truthful. When a person dies of heart disease or cancer or pneumonia, we all grieve, but we don’t fear talking about why they died. Mental illness carries a heavy stigma in our society and I believe we share an obligation to have more productive and proactive conversations about a really scary and difficult topic. Mental illness is physical illness. It happens in the brain. Just like MS or Parkinson’s disease; it can be a chemical imbalance, a failure of synapses to connect properly, or an underdeveloped portion of the brain that limits its proper function. It is not different than any other illness. But it is sooo taboo. When the term ‘Mental Illness’ is mentioned, people think in extremes; severe debilitation, psychosis, the inability to work or leave the house, erratic behavior, frightening delusions – scary, scary words, yet mental illness usually doesn’t look like that. Its depression – from mild to severe, anxiety, ADHD, OCD, Anorexia, Post Partum Depression, Autism Spectrum – it can be an illness or a disorder or a dysfunction. Everyone in this room knows someone who deals with a mental illness every single day. It is often silent and very subversive, and people can feel isolated or hopeless.

Nearly every single person that I talked to, or Dale, or my parents or in-laws or our friends knows someone who has had suicide effect their family. The heartbreaking thing is that suicide is on the rise amongst our youth. Our children are dying and we are afraid to talk about it because it is uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable for me to stand here today and talk about it. But I am willing to open the conversation. I am willing to answer questions. I will listen to fears and pains, and I will try to offer comfort. I know I’m not the only one willing to do this, but I think one of the problems we collectively suffer from is fear.

Dale and I always try to teach our kids that the devil dwells in darkness and the gospel spreads light. So they should base their decisions on whether or not they have to hide what they do in darkness or if they can do it openly in the light. This is a good foundation for teaching decision-making. However, people often hide in darkness. Not because they are dark themselves, but because they are afraid. We need to learn how to recognize people who are hiding. We must practice seeing what people in pain look like. We need to commit to ourselves that we will be the person. The one who offers succor, in whatever form that takes. We need to ask questions and develop relationships that allow people to open up and be unafraid. The prophet has given us this opportunity by renaming and revamping our visiting and teaching systems to a system of Ministering. It is not just a name change. The prophet is asking us to reevaluate how we see people. He is asking us to change how we interact with people. He is asking us to make people our priority. My very first visiting teacher is here today. She was there when Harrison was born and she is still ministering to me today. It is not a coincidence that this program was reworked at a time when mental illness is on an extreme rise and suicide rates are skyrocketing. The Lord is asking us to be is hands and help his children. We need to seek the one, and we also need to be the one. Be the one who looks. Be the one who asks. Be the one who sees. We have the power to heal.

Our family has been terribly, irrevocably wounded and changed. We are in agony. But we are being ministered to, every second of every day. Because of that, we are already beginning to heal. We have a long road ahead and we accept that, because we do not walk that road alone. The Savior walks that road with us. And so do every single one of you every time you do something that is motivated by love. The road that we walk, the same road you walk, is the path of the gospel. It guides us towards our Father in Heaven.

Harrison walked that road. He learned many, many lessons along the way. Harrison taught me about this road we walk, this path towards our Father, and our ability to partake of our Savior’s sacred atonement in his homecoming talk from August of 2016. I’m going to read part of that talk to you, because I love Harrison’s words, and this is a lesson he learned, internalized and taught to the people he was asked to minister to. And then he came home and taught it to us.

In this talk he taught the Parable Of The Laundry. This is a significantly condensed version of his talk, but I will post it in full later. He explained that before his mission, mom pretty much took care of his laundry. I gave him serious side eye on that one. He said that in the MTC, he was fully responsible for his own laundry, but he could throw his clothes in the washer and then move on to something else. When he arrive in the Philippines, he said, “In the Philippines we wash clothes by hand, and that is a little bit more of an involved process than ‘toss it in the washer with some detergent and move on to something else. I would like to describe the art of hand washing in five easy steps. They sound easy, at least. 1) Initial Rinse 2) Detergent Soak 3) the scrub 4) Final Rinse 5) Hang dry”

He described specifically the process of washing white shirts. He said of the Initial Rinse, “Slosh the clothes around in the water until all the loose dirt is out. The water will change colors as you do this, from the pale yellow of sweaty garments, to the grey cement color of over-worn socks.” Ew. Sorry for that mental image. Of the Detergent Rinse he said, “Mix until the soapy water is frothy and then re-add your rinsed clothing. Stir lightly and leave to soak for thirty minutes. Of The Scrub he said, “After the 30 minute rinse, select your scrub weapon. These range from the novice brush to the professional bare hand. Each shirt should take 5 to 10 minutes. Of the Final Rinse he said, “This is a little bit of a misnomer as it actually takes a series of 3-5 rinses…until the clothing no longer produces soap bubbles. The more soap you leave in your clothes, the itchier it will be to wear them and the dirtier they will get in the coming week, as soap attracts dirt.” Finally, “The Hang Dry. As you place each item of clothing on a hanger, smooth out any visible wrinkles. Hang in a place that A) has good air flow, B) has good sun but not direct sunlight, and C) is sheltered from the rain. In perfect conditions described above, it only takes three hours to dry your clothes. Conditions in the Philippines are never perfect and rain (a constant threat) was the worst, bringing dirt and pollution out of the air and onto your freshly cleaned clothes. White shirts will proclaim those spots, and it is time to wash again. If, due to weather, your clothes took too long to dry, they would sour, and it would be time to wash them again.” Harrison goes on to call this an “involved and grueling process that takes several hours to complete.”

He then makes the obvious analogy to the atonement, and read several important scriptures. He said, “The Atonement is the process we each must individually follow to wash ourselves of all iniquity and sin, prerequisite to entering the Kingdom of God and His Glory. Before my mission I thought in washing machine terms. Toss the garments that need to be cleansed of sin, add an appropriate amount of repentance, kick on the Atonement Machine and go do something else until you find yourself cleansed from sin. I learned that the Atonement requires much more effort than a washing machine, and the process has more in common with hand washing. Let me explain in this way: Our faith in Jesus Christ is the first step on our path of becoming eternally clean…Repentance is our detergent soak of the soul…Baptism is the opportunity we have to clean up the stains we have soaked, scrubbing them away in a symbol of the death of the old life of sin and the rebirth of a life in Christ…Receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost is the counterpart rinse to the cleansing of Baptism…Enduring to the end is the final step in the process, akin to hanging clothes out to dry. In perfect conditions, enduring to the end would be a lovely three-hour sunbath to clean, dry perfection. However, this life is a test, and conditions will never be perfect. Satan has the power to tempt us, and his temptation, like polluted rain, will stain our freshly washed souls. Even the day-to-day wear will bring more stains upon us. Hence, enduring to the end is not a static process, where we hang our garments in a hermetically sealed closet, never to be worn again. Rather, enduring to the end is the active process of keeping our garments clean as long as possible in Satan’s imperfect conditions, and washing them as they become stained and soiled. The repentance process is not the back-up plan for when our garments become unclean. Repentance IS the plan. If, at the end of our mortal lives, we have strived to keep our garments clean in the fallen world, through the process of the Atonement, then will we return to the Kingdom of our Father.”

Harrison understood, accepted and lived within the Atonement of Christ. He taught me in this one talk things about the Atonement I hadn’t really understood before – maybe because he was speaking my language because what mom doesn’t know the language of laundry? He was walking the road with us, doing his best, washing and rewashing his shirts when they got dirty. He did kill himself, but he also died because he suffered from an illness. We do not need to be ashamed of that or hide that fact. Harrison made a choice I wish he had not. He took an action he can’t take back. I know he would if he could. I know he didn’t mean to do this. But we are the ones who are left with the results of his actions. What do we do with that? Do we live within the atonement of Christ? Do we refuse to let fear keep us from speaking when speaking is necessary? Do we reach out, see a person, offer love and provide acceptance? Do we hide in the darkness, or do we shine in the light? I know what Harrison would have us do, and I know what the Lord would have us do.

Harrison, I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.

#mental health #mental disorder #mental illness #suicide #gun violence #personal

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shiny-shell · 6 years

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So I quit the high-paying prep cook job after 2 days.

I feel like a bit of a failure. As if I’m not good enough because I’m “lazy” for quitting a job that requires hard work. But I gotta step back and think with a broader perspective, not just because my natural jerk reaction is to be negative towards myself, but because I can also get so wrapped up in these microcosm worlds in jobs.

Today, I went into work a little tired because I’m still adjusting to waking up in the morning after doing evening shift jobs the past several years. After walking half a mile from my car (parking is awful downtown), I arrived to work early and took a moment for myself in the walk-in refrigerator. I just wanted to stand there a moment and cool down because I was sweaty, and I was also using the time to collect myself and get ready for the day. But a few moments into this, the chef on duty came in and asked me if I was ready to begin work. I started to explain that I was taking a moment for myself, but his facial expression still looked super hard, so I dropped it because I assumed “he’s not going to understand”, and said, “Yeah, I can go clock in and start.”

He told me to blanch certain vegetables we have in house. Mind you, this is day 3 of training and I was only shown how to do this once and only once without doing it myself. Blanching itself isn’t difficult, but I wasn’t sure how best logistically to approach this task, like how to do things most efficiently. So I got my ice bath ready, and I went to wash the vegetables in the back sink. I struggled to lift and carry the very large container therein and maneuver it in the sink.

I was so tired I needed to cry.

I was so exhausted from the previous two days, that I went to the employee bathroom and sat down and cried. I called my mom for support because my partner was asleep and didn’t pick up.

What I told the chef was, “I appreciate y’all hiring me and giving me a chance, but this wasn’t the position I applied for. I’m on the autism spectrum and there’s way too much going on sensory-wise. I don’t think I can do this. You can erase my clocked in time from today since I didn’t do anything.” He asked me if there was anything he could do to help, but by that point I just needed to leave and rest. I said no. He said, “OK. Good luck, then.” in that stern, uncaring voice and walked off. I clocked out and left my apron next to the register.

Why was it so bad for me? Have a list of grievances. Ask any autistic person how they’d deal with this:

Lack of organization. Some things there are VERY organized, but others are not. I had stayed an extra hour during my stage (working interview) to wait until the lunch rush died down so I could talk to a chef and follow up on my interview. They were too busy. I called again a few days after, and again they were too busy to even talk to me. Then I get a call a week later saying my position was filled, BUT they just got an opening elsewhere because of a no-call no-show and would hire me there.

Expanding upon that, I was to work in the pastry section. I felt pretty confident in the area during my stage because I have experience baking. Plus, and this is a huge plus, the pastry area is in the back of the kitchen not next to customers, with a window so I can see outside and get some natural light in. They hired me as a prep cook instead.

Open kitchen. My prep area was RIGHT NEXT TO dining guests, and all the noise that comes with it.

During opening, people played their own music on speakers at their stations. In itself, fine; I like lots of different types of music. But they all played them simultaneously at loud volumes. So my first morning, the restaurant’s background music was playing on the main speakers, while one guy had on country music at his station, and 2 stations over another guy was playing hip-hop. It was an awful cacophony of competing sounds.

No breaks. 8-hour shifts with no designated break time. I was supposed to find 5 or 10 minutes to drink water, use the bathroom, or eat snacks on my own time.

Standing on your feet in the same position for hours on end. I’m fine with standing my whole shift, but standing in the same place kills my feet. I need to be able to walk around a little and change position.

If you don’t finish your task list, you have to stay longer and finish it. I was on the clock almost 10 hours yesterday finishing up an impossible list. The list was meant for one person even! It took an extra 2 hours to finish it with 2 people (me and my trainer) working on it. I hit hella traffic on the way home since I clocked out at 5:20PM.

The vibe from my coworkers was so stale and lifeless. Some of them seemed like friends among each other, but they looked like they were dead inside and were just continuing going because the pay was good.

I didn’t feel welcome. To be sure, no one was outright mean or hostile, but no one cared about me, my strengths and weaknesses, my circumstances. I tried telling my day 2 trainer I’m on the spectrum, and he didn’t say anything about it. Any time I tried to make conversation, it fell dead flat.

The prep tables were very high up. I’m not a short woman. I’m 5′8″ (170cm). My shoulders still hurt, in addition to my palms being bruised from cutting dough (had to press down that hard), and 2 other cuts on my hands from my other job.

Looking at it now, I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my health and mental well-being for a living wage. I really wanted to like this job and I was looking forward to bigger paychecks, but I spent most of today resting to recover from 2 days. I can work hard, but not in environments wholly unsuited to me. I’m not a complete failure. I still have a backup job that I like and feel welcome at. I’m probably underemployed considering I have a Bachelor’s degree, but damn am I trying to live my life.

#like if you read?#personal #long post #actuallyautistic #work stuff

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lulusoblue · 7 years

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Headcanon: Casey Jones being on the Autistic Spectrum

I see plenty of neurodivergent headcanons for the turtles galore, but never for any of the human characters. In all honestly, saying one of the turtles is on the autistic spectrum is iffy and uncomfortable to me at least because it’s sorta implying that said autism would be the result of a mutation caused by an external element. Because it’s not like we’ve had shit over some dickhead portraying autism as a side effect of vaccination rather than it being a mental disorder that’s as embedded in our genes and beings as internal organs and a massive part of who we are as people. also fuck you wakefield

And so thinking about it more, it just clicked that Casey could fit an autistic headcanon. So here’s a list of things about his character I believe fit such a headcanon based on personal experience and from other autistic people I’ve known:

• Apparently the writers put him at around 17 years old, a year older than April, with some intent that he might have been held back during his education (probably to tie into him seeking April for tutoring). I don’t have any knowledge of American education beyond secondhand information I may see on the internet or pop up on my dash, so my only knowledge of being autistic in a learning system built around neurotypical students is from brief personal experience. Neurotypical education sucks when there isn’t enough awareness of learning difficulties or the teachers don’t have enough training to know how to handle it. Casey might have trouble with his education because he may have difficulties trying to pay attention and absorb information without the tools or support to help him focus. This can get you labelled as just bad behaviour or being dumb/stupid. I sure as hell wasn’t able to follow lessons in school until I finally had someone who listened to why I didn’t like lessons and found them hard to understand. We don’t have any clue as to when Casey was held back if this concept still applies in canon, but being held back might not mean he just didn’t care to study or doesn’t have the smarts to pass. Granted it gets harder to care about learning when you have trouble understanding and your educators don’t bother to help you so much as call you lazy. Which brings me to my next point.

• Casey’s interests and knowledge in gadgets, vehicles, and metalwork. The boy knows his stuff when it comes to Mad Max-looking makeshift weaponry and devices, which is clear from his decked out bike and the crude taser that he’s managed to strap to his arm without frying himself. He worked with Donnie to rig up a supercar as a hobby and helped pimp up the Party Wagon. And he’s still flunking trig. (so’s April but shhhhh that was just a Season 1 thing) Casey seems like a very visual learner in this case: he picks up on things through observation and is self-taught on what interests him. For all we know he figured out cars while being cooped up on a farm with nothing better to do while one of his terrapin friends was in a coma. I’ve ended up doing that with some programs I use or with life stuff in general. Manuals are boring and slow and easy to lose focus on. Maybe look up a couple of video tutorials for something but most of building skills and interests is self-teaching and trial-and-error. (my experience of video editing and art programs is “what’s this do and can i figure out what makes it tick without looking it up”, which is an approach to new interests I think also fits Casey). Likely not something specific or common in autistic people, but figuring things out in such a way has been a thing that popped up for me and a couple of old friends. What I’m saying is Casey made that new mask after half-watching a couple of cosplay tutorials and winging it with some scrap.

• Casey wears those gloves and that headband all the damn time. Even when he’s eating pizza, he’s eating it wearing gloves that have probably been worn working on his bike, wielding a hockey stick/baseball bat that’s likely bashed sweaty heads in rain two weeks ago without being washed, and just the day-to-day things that would get those gloves sweaty or grimey or icky. He wears that headband at all times, even when he’s wearing a mask thank would probably fit better if he took that band of material off of his head. What do his headband and gloves also have in common? They’re articles of clothing that usually have elastic to stay in place. Sure canonically they’re just there to fit his grungy look (get to that hoodie in a second), but digging myself deeper into this headcanon i got to thinking they might also serve sensory/stimming purposes. If there’s something that I think is one thing autistic people have in common or a feeling they share, it’s fiddling/fidgeting and certain sensory things to some level: e.g. I usually wear loose tops because i like fiddling with the hems and corners of my clothing. Some people wear tight or loose clothing based on how they process the sensation of skin against different type of clothing. Casey never taking off his damn gloves or headband could be seen as him liking the sensation of the elastic in them around his wrists and forehead. He probably pings the elastic as well because that’s fun too when you’re bored and need to fiddle.

I refuse to believe that he has never washed that hoodie. I mean yeah the turtles have smelt worse living in a sewer but Casey is a Human who has spent most of his life around Humans and his Human father would probably have burnt his clothes by now if Casey never washed the stink out of them. That and Casey is a hockey player, and I imagine stinking clothes is an annoyance that comes from most sports. Those paint stains on his hoodie I think he’s leaving there on purpose, like he’ll wash his clothes but no dad his clothes get washed separate because he can’t wash his clothes with your clothes because you use stuff that lifts stains and that’ll get rid of the paint splats that he likes on his clothes and why does he want paint splats because he does and they look nice and he probably won’t get the same splatter pattern again if he tried and shush dad this hoodie stays the same because it has to because shut up. We don’t really see Casey tagging anything regularly so unless it’s because they don’t change the texture on animated models because what’s the point it’s not a cgi blockbuster we’re making here Casey probably keeps his paint splattered hoodie like that because it looks nice and it’ll stay nice dad. It’s a Thing.

• Casey constantly refers to a love of heavy metal music. Too much sound for an autistic person can end up in sensory overload and that fucking sucks. And in general just the world around you can suck and you wanna shut it out because ugh. You know what helps? Headphones and really loud music. What genre has really loud music? Yup.

Casey having a social battery. He just pops in and out of the show all the time because the writers dunno what do with him shrug so yeah. Autism likes to play up the variance of a person’s social needs and wants and limits. You want to be friends but you just can’t be asked to be with people right now. You get this surge of wanting to hang out with friends and be loud for a bit, and then you have this mood where you just want to not exist or just not do things. Basically like this:

“raph great to see you i love your face” “whatever weirdo”

[dude where are you] [home] [you’ve been at home for three days] [i’m waiting until i stop hating faces to talk in person again]

If anyone has any other things to add to this headcanon, please do share/add onto this post. Now if you’ll excuse me i’m gonna dig myself further into this headcanon.

EDIT: I forgot another point I wanted to put in and also @a-specforest added some cool addon tags so broski if you don’t mind imma put them here too

• #okay so one symptom of autism is speaking in ’pre learned phrases’ #and casey has a ton of catchphrases • #sometimes speaking in a tone that doesn’t match the conversation? #casey does that a lot too • #he seems to have a few hyperfixations #in season 2 he’s practicing hockey late by himself #and the working on cars that you mentioned

1) how else would he come up with Goongala of COURSE!!! That and pre-learned phrases are great to have when spontaneous speech is a bitch and you trip over words and stammer. not that i would know anything about that nooo We’ve already heard him muddle up words in the moment (I think he said jumbled up “racism” later in S4)

2) Tone control is something I’ve dealt with, too. Apparently I have resting bitch voice so I’ll say something and get asked if i’m in a bad mood or snapped at for “being rude”. Also knew other autistic people who would have ranges of tones in certain convos too, e.g. one always sounded happy and chipper and laughed a lot even when something wasn’t particularly funny, one person’s tone of voice went everywhere it was hard to tell what their feelings were even with the context of conversation. Casey’s attitude and tone in conversation, even serious ones, might be an indication of that, I agree.

3) Oh yeah, he definitely fits hyperfixation. There’s his hobbies, and also there’s how he sees his future. When he and April are in the park for their first study session, he’s got two clear ideas for what to do with his life; Hockey Star or Bounty Hunter. With him immediately trying to play hero when confronted with a walking talking tank of organs his bounty hunter fantasy may have something to do with it. He’s reckless and headstrong, but it also lends to his fixation on one of his dream careers; if fighting a monster that he’s confronted with something he sees as a step to bounty hunting, he’ll likely put up his dukes and get melted because ACID HANDS I have definitely known people who were determined on doing something because it was what they wanted. It might’ve come across as stubbornness or rigidness depending on what it (even something as simple as just doing something like a chore a certain way), but in context of ambitions and their future they were pumped as hell to take the steps they needed to take to do what they liked and what they wanted for themselves. They didn’t care about what people thought of them even if they didn’t pass as neurotypical and would get stares on the street. Not sure how they would react if say culinary career path involved fighting mutated food, but considering the show itself is an action-adventure cartoon with mutant turtles I think we can give Casey a pass on that lack of realism there. we begrudgingly give the writers passes all the time so why stop now

Aaaand the point i forgot to put in my original post:

• Casey’s less-than appropo reactions or attitudes in situations possibly links to difficulty reading people, being empathetic or understanding social cues/priorities. Reading and understanding facial expressions and body language can be a bitch if you’re autistic. There’s even a learning software program a couple of students from my school would use in one-to-one sessions that specifically addresses this for those who find it THAT hard to tell what another person is expressing. It’s especially troublesome because empathy can be a confusing thing too, because it can go from you not really having any empathy to you having so much that you think you’re hurting the feelings of a pair of shoes because you chose to wear something else that day which totally isn’t the extreme i experience at all hahaha help i’m mentally apologising to a boot Casey doesn’t appear to take things seriously in dangerous circumstances the majority of the time, nor does he appear considerate of others at other times. It’s a lot of confidence and certainty that things will turn out OK (with a heaping spoonful of “self preservation instinct what self preservation instinct”). It’s not always an appropriate attitude to make jokes and quips and tease and make jabs at people, but he HAS taken things seriously and shown worry/sadness at appropriate times. He’s really quiet and almost numb when the subject of his family’s fate comes up in Invasion, and he was surprisingly the only one to be most affected after watching someone get mOLECULARLY RIPPED APART. From experience, both personal and through observation, figuring out how to react and respond to things when you don’t really know how to is a pain in the ass and often distressing because you feel bad for not knowing. Sometimes you resort to humour to lighten things and try to ease tensions, sometimes you have an internal screaming match with yourself and panic and go through an archive of potential reactions because what the fuck would apply here, or sometimes you just shut down or just don’t react like it’s not really a big deal or even happening. Or you end up going through verbal barfing and dig yourself deeper into a hole of instant regret because you’re making yourself look like an ass when you don’t want to why is this so hARD. I think Casey would fall into the “address things with confidence and cockiness” kind of reaction pool, because it’s an attitude he’s comfortable with and how he better deals and processes things. It’s not to say he doesn’t have some empathy or disregard for other people’s feelings (hello Buried Secrets), it could be that it’s not comfortable territory for him even when he wants to be serious/emotionally supportive. did any of that come out right fffffffffU

• Casey’s small social circle and it possibly being by choice. His best friends are the girl who he met through tutoring in a subject she was failing before and four giant turtles who are trained in ninjutsu. He only mentions having one friend before, a friend with whom he had a falling out, and he didn’t seem to like Irma all that much (you can say it’s because “she’s a third wheel on dates” but even outside of that he didn’t seem to get along with her much). With things like hyperfixation and the like making a vast group of friends is tricky. Being autistic might mean the friends you choose to make have lots of interest in common with you rather than just being someone you get along with. Not to say being autistic means you are limited to a few friends. I’m no expert on autistic social lives, I can only draw from firsthand experience. I found trying to maintain a number of friendships difficult and often overwhelming so at some point in school I stopped trying to make friends, with the exception of a couple of people I liked and had common interests with. I chose to keep my social circle small because the thought of making lots of friends and keeping in touch with them all and remembering who likes who and what overwhelmed me and made me nervous as a child. Still kinda leaks into adulthood because I don't have many friends outside of the company I keep on tumblr. In this autistic headcanon, Casey’s very small social circle could be by choice. He doesn’t mention having any other friends besides one previously, fixates on April (and yes I am knocking the romantic aspect out the window for this) after approaching her for tutoring because he found her cool and likes hanging out with her (and probably saw kicking a mutant’s ass as common ground/bonding too), hung out with her even when a person he wasn’t keen on (Irma) was also there, and even when he’s introduced to the turtles and befriends them he still appears to be platonically closest to April arguably, depends on how the writers want to write him that week. Considering how the love triangle bullhockey has been given little to no reference as of late, his concern for April in Tokka vs the World and his annoyance at Leo’s teamup picks in Tale of Tiger Claw might be more because he can’t be with his favourite person. (and yes that can be a Thing too) He might also fixate on having April’s company because she isn’t much of a social butterfly herself outside of the friendly neighbourhood mutants living in the sewer. Compare how many times we see him hanging out with the turtles minus April versus when April is present.

#tmnt 2012 #casey jones (2012)#autistic casey headcanon #yes good #bonus his sister is also autistic #their interactions are just 'ugh' 'what' 'people' 'same'

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