#it's been 4 years of intensive hyperfixating

[wachtelspinat]

don't ask me what's going on but i really like this one, it was a ton of fun to draw, something something they first album cover when they finally start their musical career

[ollyou]

chat is it normal to have a hyperfixation for 4 years straight

[maddzroks]

haven't hyperfixated on something so hard in a long time my brain feels like it's been wrung DRY

[octahyde]

Ok actually one thing that really really bothers me about how widespread people are negatively reacting to the anime just for the fact that anime onlys are going to be in the fandom is like

This is going to make TWST so much more accessible

Like… not everyone can sit down for several hours and read a visual novel. It’s very time and focus intensive. Not everyone can read logs of the dialogue on wikis, either. There are several people who are unable to enjoy this story based solely on medium. A good example is my qpp; he loves TWST. He loves the story. He loves the characters. But he can’t get past Book 3 because the format is completely inaccessible to him. He’s tried. I’ve tried with him. He just… cannot do it. The novels are a godsend because it’s a way he can finally read the story in a format that works for him. The anime will also help a lot because he’ll be able to hear the voice acting, which is a very important part of TWST’s story telling.

Or even just in general, I don’t think I need to post about how I Like Horror, but I am unable to read anything longer than a short story. In particular, I am almost fully unable to read King because of how incompatible his writing style is- despite really wanting to. I have tried and failed to read Pet Sematery more times than I can count. The 80’s movie, though? I love it. It lets me experience a very important work to the genre in ways I would otherwise be completely unable to. Same with Misery.

Like… it’s super frustrating to see people advocate for story accessibility in things like video games, only to turn around and say “except for things I LIKE, they’ll get my favs wrong!!!” Especially when it’s in a fairly inaccessible medium.

I especially have a bone to pick with Idia fans I see on Twitter doing this. There’s a lot of fear “normies” will be ableist about their favorite cartoon character, while… in the process being extremely ableist to actual human beings. It’s extremely frustrating and upsetting to see people prioritize their (heavily mentally disabled, I might add) favorite fictional character over actual irl disabled people. I don’t think people, especially autistic people who can’t do VNs, should be limited from a beautiful story just because other people you can block Might Make Incel Jokes.

(My qpp? He’s autistic. And schizophrenic. And has CPTSD. He relates a LOT to Idia just from what I’ve told him about her and her arc.)

Like… get your fucking priorities straight. I was hyperfixated on Danganronpa when the DR1 anime came out. I was hyperfixated on Persona 4 when the P4 anime came out. Ace Attorney has been one of my absolute favorite series since middle school, and I was going through my obligatory hyperfixation phase I have every few years when the AA anime came out. I massively prefer the YuGiOh manga to the DM anime.

Anime onlys are EXTREMELY easy to avoid and are not the fucking end of the world.

Especially in a fandom with so many autistic people. Have some empathy for disabled people who have different symptoms than you do.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

I've been unnecessarily updating you as I read through time to orbit but as I have the last fourth of the second book to go I just want to thank you for the experience

I've struggled to read books for pleasure over the last couple of years unless it's an intense Hyperfixation where I physically can't put the book down even if I want to or it's me annotating a book as I reread it for the 4th time as it's my current special interest

But reading Time to Orbit: Unknown has been different. I mean I am certainly going to finish it today meaning I'll have read over 1200 pages in 4 days but it's not been intense hyperfixation and instead just been losing track of time while enjoying a book. I have no problem putting it down to eat or go to bed but when I pick it up again hours go by so quick because I'm enjoying myself. I forgot what that's like. And it's sparked my ability to write my completely unrelated fanfiction in the meantime

Reading this book has been refreshing and invigorating for my mind as well as just fun and I really appreciate it

I'm so glad you found the books helpful! I hope you find more books you enjoy like this.

[mrhaitch]

Hellooo!

How have you been…how is the Haitch household doing today?

I saw that prompt you posted and I’ve begun working on it although I do foresee myself struggling with the first person pov…my behated✨

1) Call me curious but have you ever dyed your hair before? Or do you see yourself dyeing your hair for funsies? Have at any point, you ever wished that you were born with a different hair color…or do you like your natural hair color?

2) what are your thoughts on kpop? Have you gave a listen to any older gen or newer gen groups/ soloists?

3) Did you ever have any hyperfixations? Not limited to only characters or fandoms, could be about anything really. Any subject that you are particularly passionate about.

4) Just the way many people like to try to mimic (and fail) the British accent(s) have you and Haitch ever tried doing any other accents? If so which accents do you think you can decently pull off?

Thank you!

1) Nope, but that hasn't stopped various accusations over the years. Naturally blond men just aren't all that common.

2) Ethically disagree with the industry and how it operates, same as JPop. There are some songs and artists that I like: BTS never miss when they get political, and EXO's The Eve is excellent.

3) I'm prone to very intense hyperfixations, my PHD being the most protracted. It's how I became a skilled enough barista to compete, how I've got a basic grasp of whittling, can play several instruments to varying degrees of competency, and so on. Weightlifting is the latest one.

4) We're actually pretty good at accents. My favourites are french, German, and russian. Haitch noticed the other day that, if she's being unreasonable, I instinctively respond in a camp German accent. Very Allo Allo.

(Very dated British sitcom about the nazi occupation in France, but still very funny at times)

[bowielit]

thinking abt how 4 months ago john lennon was just the extremely famous imagine-all-the-people weird artsy beatle who i knew like six facts about max. now i know too much and have weirdly strong feelings/opinions on him. this is a process that occurs every time you get hyperfixated on something but the beatles had for so long been cemented in my head as these caricatured cultural icons. it's like being rly intense abt JFK or something. like i shouldn't know the exact year john lennon shifted from wearing square rimmed glasses to tiny circular glasses but i do.

[tea-and-secrets]

I feel horrible about this, but it's escalated to a point where this issue could destroy my life if I don't find a way to stop doing it.

So, for some reason, I get these really intense, obsessive, really disturbing fascinations with people. There's no pattern to them, no specific personality type or anything that sets it off, and I have never had more than one or maybe two per year, although they don't usually last more than a few (3-5) months. They're NOT hyperfixations. I've been hyperfixated on people before. For me, it never lasts more than 2 months (usually FAR less) and is entirely platonic, not at all violent or distressing, and doesn't make me upset in any way. I've had hyperfixations and an obsession at the same time, once I had an obsession and hyperfixated on each of his main friends within a 3 month span rapid fire style.

These obsessive feelings are like. Needing to talk to them, intrusive thoughts about hurting them, wanting to find them IRL (even if they live states away), to show up where they are, to call them at ofd hours, constantly imagining a future together, and they're always very romantic/explicit in nature. They make me feel physically ill from how gross they are. They're like nonstop intrusive thoughts of a relationship, but with this intense desire to constantly act on them and a need to be around the person all the time. And not being close to the person makes the intrusive thoughts worse.

It has never happened with someone I have actual romantic attraction to, but it happens even if I don't know them in person or we never met IRL. Usually after they fade I feel ambivalent or cold or just vaguely normal about the person. So basically after a few months of agony it sorts out and I am free usually for 8-10 months. I've never dated someone I have an obsession with. I understand them enoughto know they wouldn't mimic intrusive thoughts if they were genuinely romantic feelings. Plus, they don't last. They always fade eventually and honestly, they seriously freak me out. I don't want to have murderous intrusive thoughts when someone doesn't pick up a Skype call. That's not my idea of romantic.

Usually, I just wait for these feelings to pass, or limit contact with the person, but this time. It's so much worse.

The person is my friend, and way too young for me. He's not a minor, he's just to young for me (4 years younger, its my personal thing). He's taken, not my type, and I've always seen him as a pesky younger brother of sorts, so I never even considered this would happen. Having these feelings about him makes me feel violently ill. I've tried ignoring him and pushing him away until they stopped, but he noticed and I feel guilty punishing him for a problem that's only in my head. It isn't his fault there's something wrong with me. But I dont know what to do. If I told him about it, I'm worried he might think I like him (I don't think I do, I know how my obsessions are and it isn't love) and based on comments he's made, I'm worried he might actually try to rope me into a polycule or shoot his shot with me. Neither of those would be good places for my mental state.

I also really don't want our other friends to hear about this because I have a crush on one friend who's way older than me (we're both adults but we would NOT have gone to high school together ha ha) and I still want to hold out hope that in a few years she might see me as a viable partner (a bi can dream...) which would be jeopardized if she knew I'm basically a freak of nature.

So I need to figure out how to fix this part of me, FAST. I can't keep doing this and I'm scared things will fall apart or I'll lose it trying to fix this but I'm scared of losing everything.

I wish I could just have been born normal but I wasn't and now I have to fix it. It doesn't feel fair, and I hate it, but I want to be normal and not have to deal with this anymore. I want to just be okay, and I don't know how. I just know that normal people don't do this and this scares me. I don't want to hurt people, I don't want to be like this, and I don't know how to fix it, so I just suffered in silence for years. And now I have to fix it and don't know where to start. I just needed to tell someone about it.

.

[xaeyrnofnbe]

i know the majority of my og posts are slimecicle related but like. this guy NEEDS to stop performing characters and stories perfectly suited to my weird, strange, generally just kinda bizarre interests. his acting scratches an itch in my brain the same way my favorite songs do. if that makes sense. nearly every single hyperfixation, or even just thing i’ve been invested in lately, has been slimecicle-adjacent. he’s always there somewhere. i’ve been watching this guy for like. 3, maybe 4 years? at this point?? it’s been like this the whole time it’s just been gradually getting more intense (<— the ramblings of a madman)

[echoisquiet]

I’ve been obsessed with The Dragon Prince for years but the new season blew me away and so I’ve complied a list of pros and cons for watching it, in hopes of enticing more of my friends to join me in this hyperfixation

PROS:

1: Episode lengths are fairly short, ranging from 24-33 minutes, so you don’t need to commit too much time for a single episode

2: There are 6 seasons, with it already renewed for a 7th season. So you won’t be left on a cliffhanger

3: Each season has 9 episodes, currently the total episode count is 54, which is a lot lower than most shows

4: The show has a fairly diverse cast of characters, lots of POC characters and LGBTQIA+ characters

5: it also has multiple graphic novels so there’s lots to consume, if you so wish.

CONS:

1: it is this company’s first show and the 3D animation is a little janky during the first couple seasons but it improves later on.

2: the story is a little slow to start and can take a while to pick up but it gets very intense later on.

A couple things I’d like to point out for your consideration:

1: IT HAS GAY ELVES!! It can be hard to find MLM representation in children’s shows and this one is imo very good (though it may make you sad at times so fair warning)

2: LESBIANS!!! THEYRE ARE LESBIANS AND THEYRE HAPPY AND SO CUTE

3: HOT ELVES!! VERY ATTRACTIVE ELF CHARACRERS OF ALL GENDERS!!

4: DEAF REPRESENTATION! There is a deaf character in the show who only speaks through sign language and has an interpreter.

5: THERE IS A TRANSGENDER MAN IN THE SHOW AND HE IS SO SWEET AND LOVELY

6: it may seem a little silly at first but it also has some very serious moments!

7: it honestly has a lot more blood and death in later seasons than I would’ve expected in a show rated TV-Y7

In conclusion:

Please give The Dragon Prince a chance.

Thank you for your time.

[avoicebehindthestars]

How can a show save life?

Someone has asked me that question recently. And I realised I didn't use to get it either. I thought it was an exaggeration, a way to express the love for the show. But then it happened to me…

For the past 4 years I've been struggling with depression caused by external factors (meaning it isn't just down to my brain's messed up chemistry). My living conditions went down the drain without much warning and due to legal complexities, there is nothing I can do about it. My life was reduced to mindless day-to-day existence with zero joy in it, just shuffling one foot in front of another with no hope of it ever getting better. You can guess where my thoughts often wandered. I won't admit it out loud (I have learnt through painful experience how dangerous that is in my country), but I won't deny it either.

And then came Good Omens and it was like getting shocked back to life with a defribrillator. The night I watched s2 finale my brain immediately went into overdrive and I hyperfixated with the intensity I'd never known before (and mind you, I've had plenty of hyperfixations over decades!). It's been many, many years since I'd graduated from university (I majored in literature) and for the first time since, I wanted to pick a narrative apart, analyse every detail I could find, while at the same time constantly daydreaming about Aziracrow. Whenever anxieties and despair came, I now had an escape, a mental safe space to distract me and lift me back up.

I think people underestimate the power of storytelling. The great Polish epic Pan Tadeusz was a massive hit when it was published because Poland had just been partitioned and the narrative told of days gone-by and happier times. It was an escape from the overwhelming, depressing reality, and a place of comfort. When Poland got its first translation of Winnie the Pooh, the translator (a talented poet) had taken many liberties, making it much smoothed-over and more elegant and fluffy than the original - again, it was an instant hit to brighten the grim reality of the II World War Poland. When Jews were forced into labour camps in Nazi-occupied Warsaw, they read contraband books and shared them in secrecy, risking punishment.

So when someone tells you a show saved their live, consider they might mean it. Perhaps they watched it to distract themselves from heartbreak or loneliness, and maybe they found comfort in the fandom. Perhaps they daydreamed about the story to make each depression-ridden day a bit lighter. Perhaps as they succumbed to darkness, they imagined a fictional angel (or demon) holding their hand and offering them a caring embrace.

[isobellenoire]

Solas is Neurodiverse.

This is of course my opinion, don't invalidate me, if you find comfort in this character then I'm glad, join the party!

• Info dumping (You boost his approval by asking him about magic & the fade... and oh my world does he have a lot to say about it!)

• Strong sense of justice... freeing the slaves, wanting to right wrongs. He feels so strongly about injustice, especially when he can sympathise (mages & elves) a strong sense of social justice is often linked with ND people because we are marginalised, mistreated and ridiculed. I can often get angry, irate and depressed when there's injustice in the world and for a lot of my ND friends it's the same.

• Likes to be alone (he still has friends who are spirits, but he doesn't actively seek out companionship with people) prefers his own company. (Hermit tarot... come on! I'm crying in INTP/INTJ here)

• Always reading, writing, he even paints a whole ass mural on the walls as skyhold in a short burst of time, hyperfocus/hyperfixation.

• Comes across as blunt. I've been told I'm blunt so many times it's infuriating when I don't mean to be, I'm just firm in what I know to be true and will say it without dancing around the matter.

• Speaks 'strangely' in a poetic rhythm. While not an exclusive trait, given everything else it holds merit.

• He does have a great deal of empathy if you romance him/get to know him, but on a surface level he seems distant because he doesn't open up personally! It takes a LOT to crack that egg. I'm 4 years into a committed relationship and I still get told I don't open up enough when I'm struggling with emotions because I keep them internalised... probably a trauma response but in Solas' case... yeah, definitely a trauma response.

• Comes across argumentative when talking about stuff to which the group (Dorian especially during party banter) will ask if he's upset with them, and he says he isn't. ND people are always stuffed in the 'uncanny valley' and seen as outsiders, or stand-offish... we're just not very good with social nuances in terms of delivery, but are deeply self aware of that and prefer to observe, and I argue Solas is incredibly self aware. (Knows when he is being 'selfish' or 'foolish')

• Incredibly knowledgeable on a lot because he's intensively researched it, has to know everything about that subject and becomes deeply immersed in it.

• He never lied about anytning, he just didn't throw it out there... Autistic people can lie you know... however not once did he lie, he just kept his secrets hidden, that's very different to lying. Lying wild be 'Are you Fen'Harel'?... 'No' I've kept secrets from people for a long ass time to spare their feelings and my own self interest. (Not as bad as it sounds ahah! Just an example)

• History nerd... C'mon most of us have a favourite time period that isn't this one...

• I mentioned the paintings, he's also an artist, as well as a dreamer. A lot of us have infiltrated science or the arts... or both! Most of the world's leading scientists and artists are ND. He probably has an idetic memory.

I have more if people care to hear it, but in my opinion and based on my own personal experience being AuDHD, I'd say he is. I resonate with his character more deeply than the others because no ND person is alike and we all have our own personal struggles/wins.

A similar example in media to Solas would be (and hear me out ahah) Walter White (minus the drugs) but intelligence and the way he speaks to others, hides stuff from people (and assumes an alias to seperate himself) I definitely see WW as Autistic. So why not Solas?

Can we please stop infantalizing ASD, and applying the manic pixie lense to it, there's so much more to it that just 'quirky'. Cole is practically confirmed, people have debated Sera being ADHD, but also they are painted with a similar 'childish' brush.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk ahah.

[altruisticenigma]

ADHD but at 28

Rambles below about navigating neurodivergency but in my late adulthood: So I started having this issue where I didn't want to go to work. That sounds so lazy, I know, except it was maddening: if my brain decided we weren't working, oh boy, we were not working that day. It progressively got worse over a year. I couldn't stop stressing out over what was wrong, or why I couldn't just push past it. It was very distressing as I used to define myself over how productive I was; I was known to overwork myself and go the extra mile all the time. Now I was doing a sudden 180 out of nowhere and I didn't know why. I couldn't for the life of me understand it, it made no sense at all. Why couldn't I just do it?

Over the summer I got myself tested by a neuropsych to figure out what could be hindering me other than my trauma. Turns out I have ADHD, which is what I suspected. This comes at a complete shock to me; I was a stellar student with no issues as a child; I showed no signs of any issues. I began to struggle in college but I chalked that up to me developing PTSD. But as I looked back... A lot of my symptoms made sense. I just made them work for me and was accommodating for my ADHD this entire time without realizing it. -I had the ability to hyperfixate on things as I saw fit; that's how I could study for 3-4 hours straight with no breaks. I was locked in. IDK why I lost this ability- maybe the work I'm doing is too predictable and therefore doesn't capture my attention- but I could literally sit there and do homework for hours with no issue. -I was organized. I had a planner and color-coded things. I kept important dates up on a calendar, too. I never lost track of things because I kept my life in order and liked to do so.

-I had anxiety. Anxiety kept me repeating stuff in my head (rumination) and so I wouldn't forget things or my anxiety would propel me forward out of fear if I didn't do x y or z. Now that I'm recovering well from anxiety, my ADHD is showing because I don't have that inherent fear anymore driving me forward.

So I'm suffering from extreme executive dysfunction, it looks like. Cool, I figured it out. I'm taking Adderall and it seems to fix things a bit for me, too. But... I still feel like I'm dying at work. I still feel like I need to peel my skin off because everything feels so excruciating. I'm fully aware my job is easy, I understand it and I'm good at it, but for some reason doing it now makes me want to perish. I want to get rid of this feeling but IDK how. Also, accommodating for ADHD NOW has been a pain in the ass. My hyperfixations are INTENSE and now they're not on productive things (blessing and a curse). I have to sift through habits and lifestyle things I do that may actually be harming me in the long run; just the other day I realized I had real bad time anxiety and would check the time too much. I covered up the time on my computers and it fixed a lot of it. So many small things I do habitually I gotta pay attention to to accommodate for it now. Navigating this has been Hell. I'm still not through it, but I'm at least SOMEWHERE instead of nowhere like I was months ago.

[kattythingz]

Fanfic Writer Interview

Why, @hijinks-n-lowjinks, husband mine, thank you for the tag! Ask and ye shall receive!

◆ How many works do you have on ao3?

25 currently, if you're not counting my old hidden works and the even older shit I have on ff.net.

◆ Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

Hhhhh. I have a feeling I know which one is first... aaaaaand I'm right. HHHHHH.

1. Mother(ghost) of Mine - danny phantom, phantom family (HHH)

2. A Crown with Gems and Gold - fma, edling (MY PRIDE AND JOY)

3. The (Un)Subtle Art of Staring - fma, elric bros (this is from when I hc'ed Ed as GAY instead of aroace. GOD THIS SHIT IS OLD, WHY)

4. Apple of Your Eye - sk8 the infinity, roleswap au (:D!!!)

5. What Sort of Imminent Threat - epic the musical, astyanax lives au (:D!!!! pt. 2)

◆ Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

YES!! BECAUSE I LOVE GETTING LOVE AND THE VALIDATION OF PPL LOVING MY WORK!! For every comment I receive, I gain a life <3

◆ What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Errrr, this is a tough one. Even tho I largely write angst now, I've yet to write an unhappy ending (tho I've def fantasized of it lmao). My angstiest ending is an unpublished S.C.I. fic, but published... Apple of Your Eye, ig? Cuz I leave it kind of open if Adam is defeated or if he gets to traumatize Reki more haha.

◆ What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Okay this is even tougher. Damn. I guess... By No Auspicious Day? I mean, edling literally get engaged. They're dorks. Yeah, that's the happiest one for sure.

◆ Do you write crossovers?

Definitely!!! I've got a young justice x fma crossover going on rn, and literally 99% of my other fma aus are set in other fandom medias lmao (hades, monkie kid, epic, hamilton... to name a few). I've also been contemplating a batman crossover where Ed and Mei (edling established) end up in Gotham and they meet the batfam while trying to get home 👀

◆ Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Errr, not quite hate but def some back-handed and passive aggressive comments. It got me to delete a fic once haha, cuz ppl lacked the reading comprehension to realize I didn't ask for criticism :)))

◆ Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

... So, I can now say yes to this. No, I'm not telling what ship. No, I'm never posting it under my name. Though I might clean it up one day skjvjkwgnw

◆ Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so? I hope not, anyway.

◆ Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

◆ Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! I've listed a few fics as "co-written", but looking back on it, those weren't co-written at all. I did all the actual writing on those; I just overestimated in my head how much my friends at the time "helped" with my fics tho and wound up thinking "oh! i talked with them about the fic a lot, so they're co-writers!" No, babe, they're not. Recognize your own hard work and value plz.

◆ What’s your all-time favorite ship?

I honestly don't think I have one. Like yes I get intense hyperfixations and certain ships will be ALL I think about in the time, but that doesn't make them my favorite ever? My current fixation is edgreed tho lmao.

◆ What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Probably that one yunmeng prides fic i've got sitting at a pretty 16k in my drive LMAO. I just hit an awful wall with it and I KNOW I'll never have the energy to pick up from the point I left off. I'd have to rewrite the entire thing and... yeah, no.

◆ What are your writing strengths?

Emotional moments!!! I'd like to think I have a way with handling Big Emotions and the build-up that leads to them exploding! I've also been told a lot over the years that I'm pretty good at getting into my characters' heads, both the good and the bad 👀

◆ What are your writing weaknesses?

Action. Fucking ACTION, my god. Loathe that shit from the DEPTHS of my bones. Don't be fooled by my semi-decent results in fics, the actual process that's gone into any action scene ever has always been LITERAL HELL, SO MANY DRAFTS, TOO MANY FUCKING DRAFTS. If I could take action out back and shoot it, I would :)

◆ What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

For the love of fucking god, if you're gonna write ENTIRE dialogue and not just one line, do your goddamn research. DON'T JUST GOOGLE TRANSLATE THAT SHIT. IF YOU CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO SEE IF THE SENTENCE IS CORRECT THEN AT THAT POINT JUST WRITE IT IN ENGLISH AND SAY "HE SAID IN [LANGUAGE]". IT'S ESP ATROCIOUS WITH NON-LATIN-BASED LANGUAGES LIKE ARABIC (LOOKING AT YOU FUCKING ISHVALAN AUS).

(Edward Elric would NOT speak in perfect fancy-ass formal dialect, that nobody native actually fucking uses either??? He'd have the most EGYPTIAN ASS DIALECT. Hell, I'll take Jordanian too!)

9/10 times, we can TELL it's google translate, okay. It's stiff and formal and translates LITERALLY rather than contextually. And half the time it's also just fucking wrong. Languages aren't just your damn vehicles to make a fic ✨diverse✨, they're CULTURES. LANGUAGES ARE CULTURES, AND YOU ARE BUTCHERING THEM.

CUT THAT SHIT OUT, I AM BEGGING.

◆ What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

OOOOH, Magic Kaito!!! I'd LOVE to rewrite a kaishin version of it where Shinichi serves Aoko's role instead! I'd also love to dip my toes into writing sth for conqueror of shamballa, because by GOD do I want Ed to be happy in Germany with Alfons and Noah. Do I gotta do everything myself???

◆ What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Come on, you know it's Crown. You know. It's the canon rewrite of my DREAMS, exactly how I'd rewrite brotherhood if I was given the choice. I've got ANIMATICS in my head for this bitch, entire scenes, this is an ANIME in my head. I want AMVS FOR THIS MF. But that anime doesn't actually exist in a visual medium. And I cry.

POKING @sirchenchen @inthebluz @kaethefangirl @kiingleoturtles. Thanks again for the tag!!!

[too-many-rooks]

Spoiler warning: Long rambly notes I took while watching season 3, disclaimer that a lot of this is just character moments/lines I found interesting and initial bones of an au idea for a burgeoning, extremely self indulgent slightly-darker-Alex in season 3 wip I’ve started.

Also it was the middle of the night and I was very tired and wired out of my gourd on some mix of cheap white wine and floods of hyperfixation-sourced dopamine. Also also I only started taking notes at ep 3?

Episode 3

Alex is SUCH a better spy this season than when he began even in the first few episodes prior to SCORPIA training he’s more careful and precise and the team feels better organised - he did so well on that boat I’m so proud of my baby

I’m actually enjoying Tom and Kyra fucking about more than I expected. Tom pulling Kyra together after the boat explosion suprised me by how emotive it was. But I do want them to.. go away. Alex should more isolated/desperate/have NO other choices than SCORPIA.

Everything in Malagosto seems so staged to just see how Alex will react to it all - here’s an unlocked door, here’s an Alex sized vent and a dead spot in the cameras, what are you gonna do about it? +Alex absolutely speaks French I think he’s just not giving that away yet

Oh yes yes lingering bad touch from Julia Rothman hitting the right notes even though that costume is a WILD kaftan moment. Evil carmen sandiago/noir femme fatale aesthetic where are you I miss you so much

Ohhhh Julia saying Ian walked away and abandoned him and that was what hit him worst oh my goooooooooood

(Outfit change from julie mean day change or is she just a multiple outfits a day kinda person. Believable, I guess)

Julia’s gaslighting I ssoooo crazy ‘we trust you. We want you.’ After having his closest people not trust him, and now maybe questioning if Ian even wanted him!

Julia fucking loved this, she’s totally thrilled by her own power. Queen 👸🏻.

God Jones and the department is going THROUGH IT THIS SEASON, just suddenly surrounded by corpses

Julia : offers irrefutable proof, upsets him, then presses him to continue believing what he did before and belittling his objections - very subtle but more firm tone of voice, less motherly/accepting, very clear that the noose around Alex’s neck is always there.

She’s so delighted at the prospect of making Alex into the perfect soldier

Julia: “I want you to meet your tutor”

Me: ‘here he here he comes here he comes.’ And then I threw of my blanket, pushed myself onto my knees, and started bouncing and palm clapping in sheer delight. I basically never happy stim like this but MY GOD the flood of dopamine is IMMENSE.

More manic laughter at the start of episode 4 realising I’m about to see John and young Yassen. Nicuragua! 18 years ago!

God nervous baby Yassen with a gun

HES!! SO!!! BABY!!!

Baby boy already got his colour scheme locked down

Baby Yassen has curls - is it just the humidity or maybe does he have naturally curly hair that he straightens so he looks less cute?

Johns actor has a real resemblance to Ian (and Jack Lowden) but less so to otto

Ohoho scar moment scar moment bc Yassen was nervous and fucked up two people one bullet

“Close your eyes” as I tell these people I’m going to shoot you and have faith

God cut to adult Yassen WATCHING ALEX SLEEP LOOKING SO INTENSE

“Leave the past behind us.” “Ian rider was a professional. It was not personal it was my job.” “Think of this as a school and your dead by the end of the day” (actual honesty for the first time)

Alex not committing to being able to work with Yassen is perfect

Yassen taking Alex TO HIS KNEES so easily besties not been slowed down too much by a bullet to the chest

Soaking wet!!!!!!!!

Alex shooting scene amazing, as was Yassen bursting into his room immediately after for a murder pep talk. Alex has no privacy privileges from Yassen

Yassen removing the humanity from his targets, names/faces/lives are irrelevant, they are just blank targets. “One day you’ll have to murder them.”

“That’s not gonna happen”

Yassen *be so ffr rn face*

Really interesting to see the other side of the department covering up an agent death and lying to the family - I like the department with more humanity/emotional resonance than pure ruthlessness

Shitty Malagosto communal dorm room and matching drab grey hoodies my beloved

Shame there’s no ‘your not afraid of a little prick are you?’ ‘I wouldn’t call you that’ line. (But switching out the ‘getting vaccinated will implant you with secret nano tech that will kill you’ plottline probs a good idea)

Ooooh Julia creepily poisoning him so excited making me think of her delighting in drugging him in a cocktail of ‘let me take care of you’ ways

Yassen pulling rank to break up the fight!!

Ooh Nile wants to take down Yassen so bad.

Toms film skills coming in clutch recording/ documenting things so Alex will be taken seriously, glad to see him be… less of a dead weight to the team

Begrudgingly-impressed-at-Alex Yassen, even with the “come on that’s a bad idea”, “yeah, but!” Teenagerisms

Yassen’s core (suppressed) emotions: fear, doubt, panic

Alex: love, hope, friendship (okay dear, 🙄 but remember you’re literally becoming an assassin why are you so niave all of a sudden?)

Alex insisting John saved him bc he had compassion and was his friend and that Yassen’s rejection of that makes him lonely oh oh my heart my heart

I LOVE how much fun Nile has being evil at his job of threatening children.

Episode 5

Oh my god HIT HIM ALEX where do you think you are? How do you think you’ll actually manage to get those trainees to trust you? Stop whining and hit the man with a wooden sword, christ

Smithers (in reference to Alex) “he’s out there being a teenager because of us” *cut to Alex, very much in danger, contemplating his capacity to kill*

Julia: “no one leaves,” [scorpia, me, interchangeable to her]

mission with Yassen!

Packing for the mission with Yassen!!!

Yassen can’t read his handwriting!!!

“You’ve put… lockpick?”

“I left my last one in Nile. “

Alex bitching about his meagre gadgets at point Blanc 💯

Matching tactical turtlenecks!!!

“I don’t want you to fail. I don’t want you to die.”

Alex and Yassen are a team but Yassen gives Alex command of them oh boysieeeee

Again glad they dropped the vaccine bit: vaccines aren’t dangerous, but vaping is!!

Of on a road trip with Yassen!!

A murder road trip!

Love Kyra seeing the shot and the body - I know why it didn’t happen but I do kinda wish for a more corrupted violent Alex coerced/bargained into firing it himself

That Tom confrontation was great - I do want to see it as like a ‘your getting in my way’ intentional cruelty to push him away and keep him safe when Alex is too deep in SCORPIA to be deluded about thinking he can go home

Alex rejects intimacy with Julia and she cracks down her authority ‘no one leaves’

Ep 6

Love Alex spooky in the cemetery, SCORPIA hot on his heels

Sharing a grotty safe house together god SO GOOD

“We trust each other. You should try it sometime.”

“If it’s not emotional why do you do it?”

“Because it’s my job. (Identity/life/personal connections/sacrificed everything for) I work for SCORPIA. I’m good at it. You could be too.” Olive branch of intimacy - wants alex to be more like him, so they can be equals, can share this life that he apparently finds satisfaction in, not thinking or making decisions beyond how best to achieve his goal/finish the task(/order)assigned to him/subject himself to feeling emotions/thinking about his life beyond his attempts to depersonalise himself as just a weapon - just a professional with no emotions, and that that is fundamentally who he is. Evidently having some inconvenient feelies about Alex tho.

Oh no his delivery disguise makes him look like a caveman. Glad he took off the accessories for the Jones confrontation, his hair actually looks great there all tousled. (Beginning to realise how important characters hair is to me bc I still hate Julia’s I want some dark perfect waves this Bob is ough)

I’m really glad they settled on Yassen NOT knowing about John - he twists it that John didn’t betray him bc he had nothing to gain from being kind to him, so it wasn’t false, but he is so 100% loyal to John, eager to twist any criticism. I do wish we’d seen more of their relationship, but expecting some Russian roulette bits was overly optimistic

“I know my place” he’s IMMEDIATELY off to rescue his boy (actually, where did he go? All of that last episode I was just WHAT ABOUT YASSEN? Was he just plotting a rescue that didn’t need to happen and waiting for his boy to show up?)

Dare I say… good for blunt? Stephen dillane is just so charming I can’t help but like him. And you see some flashes of his ruthlessness like when he talks to Greif but he’s not a 24/7 conniving monster. Also Jones in charge and Alex possibly (definitely) returning to spy work in a couple of years? I like that. Totally abandoning it would have felt unsatisfying.

Loved that moment on the roof - missed opportunity for them to awkwardly wave at each other, but I’m so happy I predicted wrongly and Yassen gets to live and walk away and put down his weapons. There’s so much space for how they can reconnect in that.

[the-sour-patch-crew]

Okay, maybe I won't make one BIG post. I'll do a couple of separate ones as they come to me.

First one that comes to mind of course centers around my daemons. Daemons are easy for me to talk about and everything about them comes so much more naturally and makes so much more sense.

TLDR: My daemons were precursors, and I think acted as building blocks and even the final bridge, of my endogenic plurality becoming traumagenic and my adventure into having OSDD

I do believe that I was predispositioned to plurality because of my neurodivergancy and perhaps trauma and escapism related to it. But, I don't think I realized just how close I was to being an OSDD system until my daemons started to multiply.

When I started to gain multiple daemons, I thought it made sense. I wasn't a CDD system so I didn't have alters splitting during those couple of years when I was under severe stress and almost daily trauma. I had daemons, so my daemons were splitting.

My daemons are aspects of myself. Facets almost. They are the personification of different thoughts and traits that I have. So when I needed things most, they would appear to try and fill that need. I don't think it clicked just how serious it was though until I got Lynnette.

Lynn was without a doubt the most intense daemon I had. I considered her the bulk of my subconscious. The daemon who was tired of my shit and was going to get through to me. She was brutal. She was cutthroat. She and Cayde *hated* eachother and often fought. She was the closest thing to a persecutor I had ever had.

But she also wasn't one in many ways. She never sought to hurt me or put me in danger. She realized that the ways everyone else was helping me was not actually solving anything, so she was the first one to stop playing nice. She was the embodiment of my intrusive thoughts, but she also countered them with logic. It was a really interesting dance.

But anyway, I ended up with 4 daemons who also ended up becoming what we called a daemon system. They had a single daemon persona they would take when synced together.

This daemon was named Æshe.

Which, is a CRAZY not coincidence becaus the very first member who was here because of trauma was Ashe.

But when I think back on it, yeah, my brain at the time hadn't quite reached the threshold of splitting off completely separate individuals. Alters just weren't possible yet or perhaps wasnt needed. So it was doing what it could with what it was familiar with at the time, which was using my daemons to cope. My sense of self held out as long as it could until one day it just flipped and boom, what was likely only ever C-PTSD growing up got kicked up to the next level.

I think that if I wasn't already hardwired for plurality at that point I don't think I would have developed OSDD later on in life. It wasn't a huge leap, but it still took a LOT before things trickled in from one to the next.

The headmates I had prior to my late in life trauma were from daydreams and hyperfixations. They were not tied directly to any specific or ongoing trauma. If they were, well, it was never apparent. They came and went with only minor passive influence. They behaved and felt *so* different than Ashe and the others. I cannot even describe it without doing it a disservice. But it's so potent and so obvious.

My daemons have been the most consistent mental companions. But, when the BIG STRESS happened, they disappeared. I could not reach them and if I did, they were so weak and frail that Cayde could do little more than flutter our chest (the location I associate with him) and that was it

Which makes SO much sense. Because one, yes stress and trauma and heavy dissociation and emotional disconnect will do that. But Ashe was still here and FAR more prominent than before my daemons disappeared. Which, if my daemons were tied to my sense of self and identity, then it makes sense that they disappeared when my sense of self split from that trauma. My mind did that whole fun splitting event and was in shambles while we tried to slowly recover and pick up the pieces. It took ages afterwards for me to return to my former self. But when I did, my daemons returned.

My plurality has never been the same since.