#it's a story that admits that this love and this hate cannot be separated

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

Madk's mangaka is one of the few people who truly understands the old adage

Love and hate are two sides of the same coin

[just-a-girl-who-loves-tmr]

Head canons

Post death-cure, safe haven

Thomas, Newt, Newtmas

I warn you this post is very long so welcome to he inner workings of my brain and 3am

Thomas

- ADHD!! You can’t tell me I’m wrong (this is kinda canon but it’s never actually mentioned) Will hyper fixate on things and neglect his well being

- His eyes are hazel, but they go green in sunlight with a lil bit of gold- that’s why newt’s favourite colour is green because its Tommy’s eye colour in sunlight but he won’t admit it he just says it’s a nice colour

- The type of person who does puzzles for fun. Again he will hyper fixate on a puzzle or task and won’t rest until he’s finished (unless Newt drags him to bed which he has done many times)

- Wakes up at 5am to go on runs with Minho. Minho wakes him up because Thomas gets made if he doesn’t and feels unproductive

- Cold showers all the time- unless he’s showering with Newt, then they compromise because Newt likes hot showers

- Either he’s extremely smart or extremely stupid. There is no in between. He could be going on about diffusion and the movement of particles between galaxies but then he doesn’t know how to tie his own shoe lace without making a huge knot he can never undo.

- He has extreme survivors guilt from everything happened to the point where he has panic attacks because of it. He always feels so guilty for helping WICKED, which of course no one blames him for but he always feels like he betrayed them and on the worst days he feels like he deserved to die for helping them hurt his friends.

Newt

- my baby has separation anxiety (I’m sorry!!) he constantly needs reassurance that the others still like him and especially from Thomas after they get together (which happens I will not be told otherwise) that Thomas still loves him and isn’t going to leave him

- This is also because some of the other treat him differently after he was cured- sometimes treating him like he’s fragile and delicate which Newt hates- he fears that the others don’t trust him and feels like he’s not cured and he’s going to snap and hurt them

- Being sick is also a huge trigger for him- he has a weaker immune system than the others due to the fact that he isn’t immune like they are so he gets sick a lot more often- even if its just a cold he gets super on edge, constantly checking his arms and pulse to make sure he’s still himself

- Thomas is always a help during these periods when Newt is anxious and sick, reminding Newt that he’s cured and that he won’t leave him alone. He makes Newt tea and gives him loads of attention- which Newt doesn’t love at first because he’s independent and thinks he can do it himself until Thomas puts him arms around him and kisses him softly and tells him that he loves him, then Newt just melts

- Convinced he has an acoustic guitar because my sister mentioned to me once that he would suit it and I cannot get the idea out my head. He would play it super well and use it to take his mind off things when his brain gets hectic. He doesn’t like playing in front of people because he gets kinda self conscious when everyone’s looking at him but he plays for Thomas when they’re alone and Thomas can’t take his eyes off him because he looks so beautiful.

- He still writes a lot, journaling, poetry, little stories he makes up. It’s kind of like a therapy thing for him when he gets stressed out and he doesn’t want to talk about it he just writes it down. He occasionally lets Thomas read snippets of his poetry and writing and Thomas loves it. Also loves reading so he and Thomas read together until Thomas gets bored and lays on Newt’s chest while Newt reads to him and plays with him hair

Newtmas

- Nicknames>>> Newt calls Thomas things like Tommy, Love, Darling etc. Thomas calls Newt things like Babe, Baby, angel etc.

- They both get anxious about the other one overworking, Thomas gets worried about Newt’s leg because Newt insists on working a lot to make up for the time he couldn’t work while he was recovering. Thomas knows Newt is okay and that he is independent and capable of doing it himself but he still makes sure Newt takes breaks and massages it for him to take the pain away. Newt gets nervous that Thomas is running too much and not eating enough because Thomas feels like he’s obligated to do it and he needs to do his part, but Newt in turn, makes him take breaks and makes sure he’s eating enough etc

- They are so touch starved when they get to the safe haven they are practically hanging off each other, constantly touching in some way. They’re walking? They’re holding hands. They’re sitting? They are pressed against each other’s side if not on the other’s lap. They’re sleeping? They’re cuddling. It’s little things as first just as they’re getting used to being able to touch each other affectionately whenever they want to but they get comfortable very quickly because they are so familiar with each other.

- To everyone else , Thomas is always the talker and Newt is the listener. Thomas always has something to talk about, literally anything on his mind he yap about to Newt and Newt listens because he loves listening to Thomas babbling about this and that. Everyone else agrees that Newt is the quiet one but god forbid when they’re alone Newt does not shut up. He doesn’t talk as much in large groups but as soon as it’s just him and Thomas he talks and talks about anything and everything that he’s been keeping to himself all day. He gets kind of embarrassed about it when he realises how much he’s said but Thomas loves listening to him talk especially when it’s something he’s passionate about.

- Newt’s limp okay. Newt is very independent and hates the idea that he needs help to get around or that he needs to rely on other people’s support but Thomas always talks him down when Newt’s leg is sore. He protests at first but all Thomas has to do is look at him with his big brown eyes and place a gently hand on Newt’s thigh and Newt gives in. Thomas makes sure Newt rests his leg, carrying him everywhere just to hear Newt whine that he can do it himself but still cling to him, burying his face into the brunet’s hair.

- Thomas has also perfected to making of tea and prides himself in making to tea every time he’s sad or in pain. He always gives the cup a kiss first, he did as a joke first claiming that it tastes better when it’s made with love but now it’s a must do and Newt complains that it doesn’t taste the same if Thomas doesn’t give it a kiss first

Thank you for listening to me yap <3 I’m thinking of doing Ivy trio + Minho separately headcanons so let me know what you think

Ily guys <33

[bl-inded]

Faifa, bestie? Do you have to break my heart every week like this??? DO YOU??

I feel low-key crazy obsessing over every little thing that happens with Fai. But was it just me or did anyone else feel as hurt about their mom admitting she would have been happier taking Yotha than Faifa?? I know those weren't the intention of her words, and I certainly don't know how much was lost in translation. But to feel like you were always the second choice, and then to have it confirmed is fucking heartbreaking!

Before I get onto that bit of the rant though! I love how expertly Fai avoids talking about his own feelings.

It's a footnote to everyone else's feelings and trying to understand the situation. Which is mature and grown-up, but not at the cost of your own anger. And then he goes on to start defending his mom.

She heard Fai say this! She heard him say that her loving Faifa more was "definitely not the reason". Her justification was that she knew Faifa was the one who'd be most affected by being separated from his family?? Are you for real rn ma'am??

(I also hate the assumption that Yotha would not have missed his family? Like what??)

I know Fai is not the one in focus in this frame, but he looks sooo broken. Then he finds out she was planning to move without telling the kids-

And when she's doing her lil goodbye speech to each of them he refuses to even look her in the eye!!!

(I wish I could gif to show how much Junior manages to convey with his body language in this scene!! Dude was flexing his acting skills istg)

I've mentioned it before. But I think Faifa, despite being the youngest of the siblings, definitely has the energy of the oldest. And he's doing it again here. Unlike Yotha, I feel like he hasn't resolved anything with his mom. He's still a people pleaser so he'll make sure she is happy.

BUT WHAT ABOUT HIMMMMM??!!

I cannot wait for Faifa's story to start!! I have been ready for it for weeks, and I'm sooooo glad we're finally getting it. I think more than anything I want to see someone take care of Fai for a change. Someone actually see him be vulnerable and agree to share the pain. I want Wine to realize as Faifa is helping him through his heartbreak that there is so much hurt her carries behind the happy facade.

I want Faifa to let Wine see him!

[yuujispinkhair]

Separation Anxiety (Chapter 13)

Put your lips on my scars and teach me to love

When a ritual separates Sukuna from Yuuji, Sukuna is delighted to find that besides having his own body, there is also another gift handed to him: The brat has lost all his memories and is now the perfect little plaything to take home and manipulate. At least, that's the plan. But the King of Curses isn't prepared for the feelings that come along with being human again. And another complication is how cute the brat is when he has no idea who Sukuna is and, instead of hating him, treats him with genuine love and affection. So, without realizing it, Sukuna suddenly finds himself on a journey of learning how to be loved and how to love.

++ Masterpost ++

Pairing: Sukuna x Yuuji Genre: Memory Loss AU, fluff, smut, light angst Word Count: 5k Playlist: Separation Anxiety Warnings: 18+, smut, mentions of violence, dub-con (Yuuji has lost his memories, and Sukuna lies to him about being boyfriends). All characters are of age. This story is 18+. Minors don't interact.

A little reminder for this chapter: In this AU, Shibuya and the Culling Game never happened.

Chapter 13

You've been my God, and when you're gone, I'm godless. But with my eyes closed, I'm still dancing in your love (Godless by BANKS)

Yuuji's POV:

Yuuji feels like he is trapped in a nightmare. It's similar to the feeling he initially had when, all those months ago, he woke up in a room he didn't know, with all his memories gone. But the difference is that back then, the nightmare soon dissolved, and while things were still weird for the first few days, Yuuji soon felt comfortable and was able to adjust to the life that Sukuna showed him. The life that Yuuji believed was his. 

But now, all that comfort and warmth is gone, ripped out of his hands and soul so cruelly. This is a nightmare Yuuji cannot wake up from.

He cannot bring himself to feel at home in this weird private school outside of Tokyo, surrounded by people he doesn't remember who keep telling him nightmarish things about curses and sorcerers and a fight between good and evil, which apparently Yuuji is part of.

A world in which Yuuji is the hero and Sukuna is the villain.

The first time they told him who Sukuna really is, Yuuji laughed hysterically. It seemed utterly insane. And yet, it matched the things Sukuna had said to him before he kicked Yuuji out.

The sorcerers showed Yuuji ancient records dating back over a thousand years, which talked about the strongest sorcerer of the Heian era. A King, a monster so terrifying and powerful that he was compared to a natural disaster.

The King of Curses. Ryomen Sukuna.

A name that is still feared today, a name that stands for bloodshed and cruelty, an ancient evil that everyone wishes had never been awakened again.

But Sukuna came back. He came back through Yuuji. He lived inside Yuuji for years, shared a body with him, and entwined their souls.

And Yuuji can still feel it.

His hand automatically comes up to his chest, pressing it against the spot that always feels so hollow now, like something is missing there, like there is a wound inside him that aches and bleeds and yearns for that missing piece. He wonders if Sukuna can feel it, too.

Everything feels strange.

Yuuji knows he should be appalled. And he is. He feels sick when he hears the stories about Sukuna. But at the same time, he cannot let go of the doubts running through his mind. Because the man Yuuji lived with, isn't the same person those records talk about. This monster everyone warns him about isn't at all like the man waiting in that fancy penthouse apartment. That caring, funny, and loving man who made Yuuji so happy.

Of course, looking back, Yuuji has to admit that there were several things that seemed off. Things that seemed utterly ludicrous or made no sense if Yuuji tried to dig a bit deeper. He had been aware of those, but had decided to ignore them.

He can recall feeling uneasy around Sukuna at first. This weird feeling of being prey that got cornered by its predator, like an insect caught in a spider's web. It had made the hairs on Yuuji's arms stand up. But Yuuji had swallowed that uneasiness down, refused to show it, and bravely fought it with all his power. He didn't want to make the man who took him in and looked after him feel like Yuuji was scared of him. Yuuji didn't want to seem ungrateful. He didn't want to hurt the person who said he was Yuuji's boyfriend.

And after all, it simply never occurred to Yuuji that someone would make up a story like that just to keep him with them. So he ignored that weird feeling and told himself he was stupid for being wary. Because why should he be scared of his own boyfriend?

And soon, things felt different. Soon Yuuji felt drawn to Sukuna. Soon, he felt at ease around him. Soon, he really liked Sukuna. And he chided himself for thinking something seemed off in the beginning. Sukuna was sweet to him! He was caring and understanding and so patient with Yuuji and his recovery. He was the perfect boyfriend.

Looking back at it now, Yuuji knows that it was just part of the plan that was supposed to lead to his downfall. But was it really just that?

In the beginning, it probably was. But after that? After several months of living together? Didn't Sukuna seem really distraught and sick with worry when Yuuji got injured? Hadn't it been real love looking back at Yuuji out of those beautiful sapphire eyes when they made love during that thunderstorm?

When Yuuji thinks of Sukuna, he doesn't see red eyes and bloodshed. He doesn't see a cruel smirk, and violence. When Yuuji thinks of Sukuna, he sees a genuine smile and light blue eyes that were always so warm when they looked at Yuuji. He sees a warm, loving hand reaching out to him to hold him, to guide him, to take care of him.

The memories make Yuuji choke. Make him hug himself tightly as a deep longing fills him, so strong that it manifests in physical pain.

The people at the Jujutsu Academy try to tell him it is all just a lie, that the love he and Sukuna shared has never been real. But that's not how it feels to Yuuji.

Am I too naive? Was it really all just a game to Sukuna?

Yuuji cannot believe it, even after everything they told him. He is still haunted by the tenderness of the last kiss Sukuna breathed onto his cheek and the sadness written all over Sukuna's face when he pushed Yuuji away. That wasn't the face of a man who was just playing a cruel game. That was the face of someone who had his heart ripped out of his chest.

Yuuji wants to leave. He wants to go home.

It's not that the people here at the academy are mean to him. They aren't at all. Everyone is very nice to him. They look at him with eyes that hold empathy and sadness. Yuuji can easily believe that those people used to be his friends in a life he can't remember. Megumi and Nobara seem nice and truly worried about him. Yuuji is sure that in his former life, the three of them got along really well.

But even though he is convinced they mean well, he can't bring himself to accept any of it. Everything feels wrong now that everything he believed was true is suddenly revealed as a big lie.

His former teachers, now coworkers, try to re-introduce Yuuji to his life as a jujutsu sorcerer. They show him documents, pictures, and all kinds of twisted things that shouldn't even exist. And Yuuji asks a thousand questions. Sometimes, he receives sad smiles in return and no real answer. Other times, he gets the cold, hard truth that sends him spiraling even further and yet makes him feel strangely better because at least he knows they aren't holding things back from him.

He finds that the white-haired, tall guy, Gojo, is the most open about things. At times, what he tells Yuuji seems tactless and cruel, but Yuuji appreciates that someone tells him everything instead of treating him with kid gloves.

Gojo is also the one who answers Yuuji's most pressing question.

They are sitting at Gojo's desk. Various files are spread out on the table, reports about former missions. Yuuji's skin tingles unpleasantly anytime Gojo casually mentions how many victims there had been in each case.

The life of a jujutsu sorcerer seems to be filled with blood and death. Sorcerers have to kill, and it makes a feeling of dread wash over Yuuji, which gradually grows stronger and stronger until he can't take it anymore and he asks what has been plaguing him ever since they opened that first file,

"Did... did I kill someone, too?"

"Yes."

That single word makes black spots dance in front of Yuuji's eyes as he clenches his fists so tightly that his nails draw blood.

"You had to do it, Yuuji. Don't blame yourself for it. Those were people who got transfigured into something else completely. You gave them peace by doing it. You are a good person."

Yuuji can only huff at that. Just yesterday, he read about several clan heads getting murdered by Sukuna a thousand years ago, and the reports painted Sukuna as a ruthless monster. And now Yuuji listens to the deaths that were caused by his own hands, but the reports file it under a job well done, a success for humanity.

Blood is rushing in his ears.

Everyone here tells him that the sorcerers are on the good side and that they protect people. And, of course, Yuuji likes the thought of being a hero. He likes the thought of fighting evil. But the problem is that he is painfully becoming aware that things rarely are just as black and white as a lot of people seem to believe.

Yuuji's face twists in a pained grimace as he thinks of those horror movies he recently watched with Sukuna, The Human Earthworm series, and how Yuuji felt a strange sympathy for the monster. The series had touched him in a way that he wasn't able to explain, but maybe he is beginning to understand it now.

Is there 100% evil and 100% good? Who decides who is a monster?

Yuuji gulps hard as he thinks again about that one special file with his name on the front. The red one. The one that contains information about how he became part of the jujutsu society. The circumstances of his birth. How he was made to be the perfect vessel or, rather, the perfect cage for Sukuna. And the document that states that Yuuji was sentenced to death. He found out that it was only thanks to Megumi and Gojo that his execution had been suspended. But most members of the jujutsu society still refuse to see him as a human being. In their eyes, Yuuji is a monster, too.

Gojo's large hand reaches out and ruffles Yuuji's hair in what is supposed to be a soothing gesture. But Yuuji flinches away from it. The gentle touch reminds him too painfully of Sukuna.

He excuses himself and flees to his room, hiding in the bed that feels too small and too cold and too empty.

He switches on the TV in a desperate attempt to distract himself and drown out all the thoughts that keep torturing him. But unbidden, his mind wanders to memories of pink hair on black silk sheets, beautiful sapphire-colored eyes that look deeply into his, and strong, tattooed arms reaching out to hold him gently. Yuuji imagines he can still feel the warmth of those arms around him, and before he even realizes what he is doing, he hugs himself in an attempt to soothe the longing those memories cause.

No matter how fake things might have been in the beginning, the last few months with Sukuna had been wonderful.

They lived in their own little world. They only had each other and Uraume. But it was enough. It was perfect. Sukuna and Yuuji watched movies every night, they laughed together, they went on dates, they made love, they kissed for hours and drowned in each other's eyes, and Yuuji felt as close to Sukuna as he thinks one can possibly feel to another person. They were happy. They were in love. And Yuuji wants that back!

A strangled sob escapes his lips, and he pushes himself up into a kneeling position. His fist connects with his pillow, punching it desperately as more sobs shake his body and angry tears run down his face.

Why can't I let go?

Why does that place in his chest still ache so much, as if his soul is bleeding? As if it yearns and screams for its other half. The other half that is supposedly evil incarnate and yet feels like the only thing that can make Yuuji feel okay again.

Yuuji is sitting in the dining area with Megumi and Nobara, listening half-heartedly to their bickering. Nobara is talking about a shopping spree she wants to do, and Megumi chides her for spending too much money on useless things. But Yuuji's mind is filled with memories of walking through the city with Sukuna only a few weeks ago. The feeling of Sukuna's thumb caressing his wrist when Yuuji took his hand. The smile on Sukuna's face when Yuuji came out of the changing room in a fine black suit he tried on in one of the designer stores.

Before he can stop himself, Yuuji blurts out,

"I want to go home."

Silence settles over the table. Nobara and Megumi have both stopped talking mid-sentence and stare at him before they both ask at the same moment,

"Why would you want to go back?"

It's almost comical how they stare at him with such incredulous expressions on their faces. But Yuuji can't find the situation funny. He feels a whole array of contradicting emotions curse through him. Guilt, because these are his friends, and they are worried about him and want to protect him, and he is so stubborn and refuses to let them save him. Sadness because despite everything, he misses Sukuna. And a steadily growing irritation that everyone here claims they know what's best for Yuuji without actually listening to what he wants. And that's what makes him stare back at his friends challengingly,

"Because I miss my home, of course. And I miss Sukuna."

His friends stare at him as if he has lost his mind. Nobara is the first to react. Her small fists land loudly on the wooden table, and she practically yells at him,

"Are you fucking dumb? He is the King of Curses! You cannot go back to him!"

And then Megumi's low voice joins in, calmer than Nobara but still obviously furious.

"We told you who he is and what he did. How can you still want to go back? Snap out of it, Itadori! This is your home! Here at the academy, with us. You wouldn't be safe with Sukuna. Don't be stupid."

"But the person you told me about, this King of Curses. That isn't the Sukuna I know! The Sukuna I know isn't evil!"

Yuuji knows how stupid he sounds, trying to argue and ignore the truth. Acting like a stubborn and naive child. But he can't help it. Nothing makes sense anymore. The person they tell him about sounds like a stranger to Yuuji. Nothing they tell him about Sukuna sounds like the man Yuuji lived with. The man he shared his bed with. The man he watched movies with every night. The man who carried him to bed when Yuuji fell asleep. The man he laughed with, the man he cuddled with, and went on morning runs in the park with. Nothing they say sounds like the man Yuuji was in love with, and who, as Yuuji still firmly believes, loved him too.

Megumi looks at him with his blue eyes, which are a darker shade of blue than Sukuna's. His usually so calm voice is trembling lightly,

"He is a bad person. He killed people."

A hysterical laugh escapes Yuuji's lips at that.

"So did I, apparently, and you too. Everyone here is a murderer, Megumi."

"That's different!"

"Maybe I had good reasons for it, maybe I didn't. All I know is that there is blood on my hands, too! So, who am I to judge? Maybe Sukuna thought he was in the right, too. We don't know it! Were you there a thousand years ago? Did you see it happen? Do you know Sukuna? Because I do! And he isn't the evil monster you are trying to tell me he is!"

Yuuji knows he sounds delusional, but he cannot stop. He adds stubbornly,

"Think what you want, but he isn't the way you say. And I want to go home and see him again because I love him."

Megumi looks like Yuuji hit him. He shakes his head, eyes pleading helplessly with Yuuji now, his face twisted with worry.

"It's not love, Itadori..."

Yuuji knows Megumi means good, but he cannot stop himself from feeling anger rise in his chest. Anger that everyone treats him like a stupid child or some lunatic who has lost his mind. Anger that no one allows him to have his own opinion on the matter. Anger that no one actually listens to what he says. He glares at Megumi, his hands balled into fists under the table, but his voice is deadly calm, a low, dangerous growl,

"Don't tell me what my relationship is and what it's not."

Yuuji gets up so fast that his chair gets knocked over, but he doesn't care. He has to get away! He cannot bear looking into the pleading eyes of his former friends and hear their accusations and judgment. He cannot stand to see the worry in their eyes or hear the desperation in their voices as they try to save him from the monster that Yuuji refuses to see as a monster.

Or maybe he believes them. Maybe Sukuna is a monster. But after everything that Yuuji has learned about himself, he is pretty sure that he is a monster, too. Maybe that's why his and Sukuna's souls match so well.

Maybe we are two monsters who belong together. Maybe it takes a monster to love a monster.

Yuuji storms outside, breathing heavily as he runs towards the large gates, even though he already knows what will happen once he is close enough.

As expected, only a few seconds later, Yuuji runs into an invisible wall. It makes him stumble back, but instead of trying to regain his balance, Yuuji lets himself fall to the ground defeatedly, landing on his ass with a loud thud.

He tilts his head back to look at the slight glimmer in the air before him, which indicates where the powerful barrier starts. There is no use fighting it. Yuuji is effectively locked in here.

He laughs grimly at the irony that the sorcerers installed a barrier around the academy that keeps Yuuji locked inside while at the same time they try to tell him that Sukuna was the one who held him hostage.

At least Sukuna let me leave the house anytime I wanted.

Yuuji lets out a shaky breath. He knows no one believes him when he says that he and Sukuna were in love. He knows they are convinced it was just one-sided, that Yuuji got tricked into having feelings for Sukuna, while Sukuna only saw it as a cruel little game.

But Yuuji refuses to believe them. He knows that his and Sukuna's relationship wasn't just a lie.

He cannot forget the way Sukuna looked at him. And he can't help but think that he is the only one who truly knows Sukuna. The real Sukuna. Not the King of Curses. But the man behind that title. The man who thinks cherry blossoms look pretty, especially when they land on Yuuji's hair. The man who always has that happy expression in his eyes when he eats a good meal. The man who reads poetry and laughed even louder than Yuuji at certain movie scenes. The man who almost purred when Yuuji petted his hair and who was clinging tightly to his boyfriend in his sleep.

The thought makes Yuuji smile sadly. He can still remember how it felt to be wrapped in Sukuna's arms and in his love. And it still feels like the only thing that makes sense in this world.

How is Yuuji supposed to move on from something that felt so right? How is he supposed to believe that this is wrong?

Yuuji sighs. Tears slowly run down his cheeks, but he doesn't bother wiping them away.

It hurts. Everything hurts. There is this emptiness in Yuuji's chest again, as if something that is supposed to be there has been ripped out of him forcefully. And in moments like these, it grows stronger and turns from a dull ache to a stabbing pain.

He pulls his knees to his chest, hugging himself as he cries softly while sitting on the cold, stony path, probably looking like misery incarnated. But Yuuji cannot feel embarrassed even when Gojo finds him like this.

Gojo doesn't say anything but just sits down next to Yuuji, not close enough that they touch, but close enough so Yuuji can feel the warmth radiating from Gojo's body. They sit in silence for a moment until the words spill from Yuuji's lips.

"I want to see him again. I want my life back! Even if it isn't really my life, I want it back! But everyone tells me I am wrong for wanting it. Everyone tells me Sukuna is evil. All the reports say he is a monster. But I have all those other memories of him. Sukuna was so... He was sweet to me! Everyone tells me I am crazy and that I only got manipulated into thinking I love Sukuna, but that's not how it feels to me! It was real! And it hurts that I am not with him! I don't know what to do. I feel like a part of me is missing and that I will never be whole again if I cannot be with Sukuna."

Those otherworldly blue eyes look thoughtfully at him. There is no anger or judgment, only a deep, knowing sadness as if Gojo understands what Yuuji is talking about.

When Gojo answers, his voice is very different from the one he usually uses. There is no teasing undertone to it, no amused smirk on his face, no mockery. Instead, he sounds wary, as if the words he says to Yuuji have been haunting him for a long time.

"Love is the cruelest curse of all, Yuuji. We cannot control who we love, and even when we know a thousand reasons why we shouldn't love them, we still cannot change it."

Another sob escapes Yuuji's lips, and he nods wildly. Gojo smiles, but it's a sad smile, one of regret.

"I, too, thought Sukuna wasn't capable of love. But maybe I was wrong. I thought about it a lot after you came here and told your story. The thing is, If you ask anyone, they will tell you I am not capable of love either. But that's not true. I have loved in the past. I have loved so much that it became my biggest weakness."

Yuuji blinks at his former teacher, surprised that Gojo is talking about personal things. And that he doesn't seem to outright say Sukuna just played with Yuuji. Gojo smirks at Yuuji, but it isn't his usual aloof smirk. It looks forced and isn't able to hide the raw emotions underneath it. When Gojo continues, his voice is soft, carrying a vulnerability Yuuji hasn't seen in Gojo yet.

"The one I loved did terrible things, too. But that wasn't able to make me stop loving him. In the end, I killed him, and it still haunts me and I still ask myself every day if I could have done something differently. If I could have brought him back on our side. If I could have saved him if I just tried harder. That's my curse, and I carry it with me at all times."

And Yuuji understands. Gojo can relate to him. Yuuji smiles softly and offers a sincere, "I am sorry."

But Gojo isn't finished.

"Before your memory loss, the connection between you and Sukuna was a breeding ground for hate. Sukuna treated you and the ones you cared about with cruelty, and so you reacted fittingly and treated him with hate, too. But everything changed when you lost your memories. Because it meant that Sukuna was a blank page for you. And for whatever reason, he wanted you to believe he was your boyfriend, so he was nice to you. He didn't give you any reason to hate him. And so you treated him differently, too. You treated him with affection instead of hatred. Maybe that is what changed everything."

Yuuji gulps hard and looks at his former teacher with a racing pulse and a flicker of something in the back of his mind. A thought, an understanding, that sits deep inside him, but he cannot quite catch yet.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that maybe there is more to that whole fake-boyfriend thing. What if Sukuna himself wasn't aware of the real reason why he did it? What if this whole idea was born out of a deep-buried wish, maybe? Something Sukuna didn't even know he craved: To get a taste of what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that genuine love that you have in you? He watched you give that love to everyone around you all those years he spent inside your body. He saw it when you were kind to strangers and ran to everyone's rescue. He saw it in the way you treated your friends. So, what if, deep down, Sukuna wanted to be on the receiving end of that love, too, for once?

And he got that from you after you lost your memories, didn't he? You gave him love, Yuuji. Because that's just what you do. That's who you are.

You are so genuine, so sweet, and full of love. You come to others with open arms and affection, ready to save everyone and give your life for them. There is no one else who is better at making people's hearts melt. You are the embodiment of love.

And maybe that is what Sukuna needed. Maybe this was the only way he could learn about love. Maybe he needed you to show him. If anyone is able to teach Sukuna how to love, I am sure it is you."

Yuuji stares at Gojo, utterly touched by his words, his mind whirling. He lets out a shaky breath and wipes his eyes with his palms.

"So... does that mean you believe me that what Sukuna and I had was real? You believe me that Sukuna loves me too and is no danger to me?"

Gojo laughs softly, but Yuuji can see the seriousness of the situation in those otherworldly blue eyes.

"What I believe is that if Sukuna wanted, he would have already attacked us. He would have already burned down this whole city months ago and killed everyone who didn't fall on their knees in front of him. But did he do any of that?

He didn't. And there is no logical explanation for it. The only thing I can think of is that you are the reason. Sukuna changed his agenda because of you. Maybe he isn't interested in those things anymore because he found something else, something more powerful. Maybe he chose you and your love instead of the destruction and solitude he was used to."

Gojo's gaze burns into Yuuji's as the seconds tick by, and his words sink in. Yuuji feels like he will choke on the fresh tears that threaten to spill over. He wipes furiously at his eyes, gulping hard. And Gojo smiles that sad smile again before he adds,

"If you want to leave, you are free to do so. I won't let them keep you a prisoner, especially not since I think they got it all wrong. You are far more powerful than they think or than you think. You were created to be the perfect cage for Sukuna, the only one strong enough to control him. And I think that's what you still do. You still have control over Sukuna, even now that you are two separate people. Maybe that is the fate Sukuna can't escape from.

It's quite ironic, isn't it? Sukuna isn't trapped inside your body anymore, but you still have control over him because he cares about you now. That's why I think you are still everyone's life insurance, and it would be pretty counterproductive to keep you and Sukuna apart. You still serve as a cage for the King of Curses because you made him fall in love with you."

And with that, Gojo makes a gesture with his hands. Yuuji feels a slight tingling sensation on his skin. The subtle glimmer in the air in front of him vanishes, and Gojo gets up and grins down at him, extending one hand to Yuuji.

Yuuji takes it and lets his former teacher pull him to his feet, his gaze fixed on the now barrier-free path before him.

Yuuji has barely reached the broad road leading into the city when a loud bark to his left fills the air. A moment later, a large dog is standing in front of him in the middle of the road. Yuuji skitters to a halt just when a familiar low voice speaks up behind him.

"Don't do it. Please, don't go back. I know what Gojo is doing. He is sending you back because he thinks you can serve as another cage for Sukuna. Don't you see it? This isn't about helping you. He is using you, just like they all do. Don't go, Yuuji. You finally have a chance to escape all of this. You have a chance to live your own life. You aren't Sukuna's vessel or cage anymore. You are free. Don't throw that away."

Megumi steps up to Yuuji, looking at him with those sad blue eyes filled with worry and longing, and Yuuji knows at that moment. He knows that Megumi truly cares about him. That Megumi wants to protect him. That Megumi loves him. It makes Yuuji's heart clench. His face softens, and he reaches out to pat Megumi's shoulder and smiles the broadest smile at him that he can,

"Thank you, Megumi. But you see, I want to go back. I am not doing this to sacrifice myself. I am doing it because I want it. I am doing it for me. Because I want that life back that made me happy. And I want to be with Sukuna. Or at least I want to talk to him and try to find a way to make this work."

"I don't think it is safe for you."

"I know you are worried about me, Megumi. Thank you for that, but I have to figure things out for myself. Because everything I learned here is very different from how I experienced things when I was still living with Sukuna. And you said it yourself. I am free. I want to use this freedom to find out the whole truth. Please understand that. That's all I'm asking."

Megumi sighs, his hands repeatedly balling into fists and unclenching again. He looks deeply into Yuuji's eyes as if he is searching for something.

"Can you promise me that you are really doing this for yourself?"

Yuuji nods wildly, his smile growing even bigger,

"I promise you. Trust me. It's going to be okay."

He feels a strange familiarity as if this has happened before. As if he has spoken those words to Megumi before. He sees Megumi's eyes widen, maybe remembering it, too. His lips tremble slightly as he stares at Yuuji for a long moment, but then Megumi nods slowly and takes a step back.

"Okay, I trust you. But be careful... and remember, if you die again, I'll kill you myself."

Yuuji stares at his friend's stern gaze for a moment, feeling that same sense of deja vu again. As if Megumi has said those exact words to him before, too. In his life before the memory loss, before the separation from Sukuna. As if this is some inside joke Megumi and Yuuji have, and it makes Yuuji laugh heartily, feeling lighter now that his friend seems to have his back.

Yuuji turns around and lets out a long breath. He will return to the city and to Sukuna. He doesn't know how things will be when he faces Sukuna again now that Yuuji knows the truth. He doesn't know how he will feel when he looks into Sukuna's eyes again. He doesn't even know if Sukuna will talk to him. But Yuuji knows that he wants to try. He knows that he needs to see the man again who impacted his life so profoundly, before and after the memory loss.

I know what I want, and I can be pretty stubborn. I won't give up that easily!

Thank you so much for reading! I struggled a lot with this chapter, but I worked so long on it and re-wrote and edited it many times, so I hope it is ok now!! I gave my best!

I needed to add a scene with Yuuji and Megumi because my heart was bleeding at the thought of what they lost. So I hope this little scene was able to make things better and show that they still have a deep connection based on genuine love.

And I cried so much at the whole "Sukuna unintentionally wanted to be on the receiving end of Yuuji's love" thing and that he changed because Yuuji finally treated him with love instead of hate. I personally really think that if anyone can teach Sukuna love, it is Yuuji.

Also, it makes me happy that our King of Selflessness, Itadori Yuuji, stands up for what HE wants ;)

Thank you so much if you are still reading this AU!! It means a lot to me!!

Comments and reblogs would be very sweet 💗

[sevinagreatergood]

Alright, wild take here. I would love to use pictures but I feel like that would be too dehumanizing so I'll just state it like this:

Them: dislikes Snape for bullying kids and only choosing lily to be saved

Me: that's alright but then you must hate other teachers too such as Remus, Minerva and hagrid.

Them: I'm not talking about other teachers but only Snape.

Me: you're beating around the bush

So on and so on. Now we've hit the conversation where they say:

Them: just because you're bullied doesn't mean you can go join a terrorist group

Me: you cannot decide that from the privileged position you have

Them: *dropping a summarized version of their sad childhood but didn't become radical so they aren't privileged at all*

Me: explaining to them that downplaying someone else's their life story to uplift your point that YOU didn't turn out to be like them is privilege on its own. It's like telling a rape victim who hates men "oh, I was raped too but I don't hate men so you shouldn't either". I mean lets be real. The man witnessed war, deaths, wanted to die at 21, yet James was his worst memory. It's not simple bullying, it was pure trauma of abuse.

----------------------------------------------

Now, my personal opinion on sad sob stories which might be a wild take or unpopular opinion but it must be said.

I. Don't. Give. A. Flying. Fuck. About. Your. Sob. Story. So. You. Can. Proof. A. Point

There, I said it. I would probably say it in much kinder words if I ever meet such delusional people that think just because they had a bit of "character development" moment, they can decide what Snape should've been doing?

Uhm, no, so back the fuck off and talk about the actual canon events without shitty sob stories to hide the fact you're simply shallow, hate ugly people more even though their similar role carriers were shittier than him (aka teachers, Slytherins, students and DE) but they have that pretty privilege going for them that Snape hasn't.

Also, I already thought comparing sob stories was so not of this era. I admit, I do that when I compare Neville's life to Snape's. Similar to when I compare harry to Snape, but only if others start first.

People, you can't compare traumas just because YOU managed to come out of it perfectly fine. Honestly, keep reality and fiction separated please , thank you 🫠

[sophieinwonderland]

r/systemscringe is Hulking out over my Avengers post!

Does everyone know that?

What comics or movies was this addressed in?

Why does the hatesub act like this word was just made up? Sanism has been a thing since the 60s!

I know it's hard for you all, but please at least TRY to educate yourselves before making fools of yourselves in the future!

This subreddit just cannot stop itself from hurling ableist insults.

Oh, for the love of the triple goddesses!

What is it with certain groups reacting to NEUTRAL descriptors by claiming they're slurs?

This is the ridiculous bad faith "cis is a slur" argument all over again.

"Singlet" is a neutral term for a non-system. It's not a slur. It's not an insult.

You just have a massive raging victim complex.

And I promise you, the fact that you don't have DID is not the reason everyone thinks you're a piece of shit.

They've typically fought Mutants when those Mutants were doing something that could be dangerous to the world. Not just attacking them because they're mutants.

Mutants have even served on several Avengers rosters. And The Avengers have teamed up with mutants far more than they've come to blows with them.

Yes, Steve and Tony have generally stood aside while mutant discrimination was happening. That's an unfortunate side effect of separate groups of writers running different comics. Besides that, Captain America showing up to save the X-Men from their enemies in their stories would be pretty unsatisfying.

But even if Steve is just someone who hasn't done enough for mutants, he's still generally supportive of mutants.

Hulk wasn't abused in the MCU as far as has been revealed. Nor is his plurality considered DID.

This may be confusing it with the Ang Lee movie that did address the abuse.

MCU Hulk, so far as we know, is an endogenic systems made by trying to recreate the super soldier serum in an experiment gone wrong.

"He doesn't live in Marc's head. He just invades it"

Right... That's a Gateway System. A headmate from the outside entering the mind.

And the gods do seem, at least, somewhat "attached" to their avatars. It seems like they can communicate only with their avatars and prospective avatars. How this works isn't perfectly clear. But it at least doesn't seem as if he can just freely roam Earth and appear to different people whenever he wants while bonded to someone. I admit this may be disproven in the future.

Still, my assumption is that he can appear to Layla because he wasn't currently bonded to Marc. Once he's bonded to Marc again, he can't communicate with Layla anymore.

This did come to mind. But being pro-endo isn't just about believing endogenic systems exist. Even if we consider the Winter Soldier an endogenic system... which feels wrong on multiple level... he's a brainwashed tool to them.

They don't even consider him a real person. Just an asset to use.

Given their association with Nazism, I wouldn't expect them to see other systems any better.

Your so-called "defense" is reliant on having no idea what you're talking about, and regularly accusing DIS systems of faking for things that are basic parts of the disorder.

One of the first things you'll see on my page is a debunking of just a small fraction of the lies r/systemscringe has spread about DID in the name of "defending" it.

But we are not talking about DID here. We're talking about plurality. About the experience of being multiple in one body. And this is something that has been well-recorded by actual psychiatrists.

The entry on DID in the World Health Organization's ICD-11 states that you can have multiple "distinct personality states" without a disorder.

In Transgender Mental Health, a book published by The American Psychiatric Association, it was specifically acknowledged that you can be plural without trauma or a disorder.

If I wanted, I could go on and on and on, listing paper after paper affirming the existence of non-disordered and endogenic plurality.

But what's the point?

The thing I've learned from sysmeds is that they are chronically incapable of accepting any information that proves them wrong.

And this is the ultimate reason that the Avengers could never be anti-endo. And even most Avengers villains couldn't. Being presented with all of these expert opinions and still doubling down, when you can't even name a single doctor who claims all plurality comes from trauma, requires a certain level of willful ignorance that fictional characters like these are rarely written with.

None of the Avengers would ever be a sysmed.

Because being a sysmed requires you to lack curiosity. It requires you to lack critical thinking. It requires you to be someone who will go along with the crowd and be sucked in by groupthink. To NEVER question the narrative that you're given.

And this type of person... doesn't make for a good protagonist.

In the end, you're pretty clearly not The Avengers. You're just ignorant bigots who hide your bigotry under the guise of helping people. But that is just a front. Inside, you're looking for people to blame for your own suffering, and so you've picked a marginalized community you think you can get away with attacking because it's more socially acceptable. And you will refuse to accept facts that prove you wrong because accepting those facts would mean you're the bad guy.

No, you're definitely nothing like Avengers. But maybe Purifiers?

[majixox]

I hate that due to the CC!Wilbur 's actions and him being a terrible person in general, so many people decide to try to completely erase the being that is the C!Wilbur. They are separate entities, one is a truly bad person in real life, and the other is just a character that was played by him. I don't understand why the terrible actions of the Content Creator have to influence and erase the character that was Wilbur in the story.

I will admit, my favorite character in all of DSMP fannon and cannon was and always will be Wilbur. His character is complex and in my opinion beautifully portrayed, you cannot just decide to erase all he was due to his "actor" turning out to be an abusive and evil person. While C!Wilbur definitely had some characteristics of the CC, they are mostly different entities entirely.

There are many ways to portray and understand C!Wilbur, and how i see him he is a tragic character, a good man turned to insanity after events that thinking back at it could have been prevented, deciding to destroy his legacy after giving everything he had to this nation and choosing to ho down with it by the hand of his own father. To then spend years in isolation in Limbo, and then be revived with no less trauma, and still half mad. I can go for hours about the depth of his character and interactions with everyone, but i shall not. Anyway, and so due to me first of all loving the character so much, and many others feeling the same, it hurts to see everyone trying to erase all traces that there was of him.

Fans of the C!Wilbur gets harassed, and while there are certainly people who still support the CC!Wilbur (in which case like wtf) but i think people must understand that they are different people, and the terrible things the content creator has done doesnt mean it has to reflect and therefore make the character something that must be erased.

I rejoined the fandom recently by complete accident, but i was a part of it since the first war for the independence of L'Manburg. And now i just wish to enjoy my favorite character without his existence being destroyed by the actions of the content creator.

Hope someone who will read this understands where i'm coming from. And i hope fellow C!Wilbur fans will rise again. Because truly, all the characters in the fannon and cannon of dsmp were amazing, and the story was good, and we all had an amazing time in the fandom. No character deserves to be destroyed and erased for the terrible actions of the content creators playing them, and they should be enjoyed as characters and for their story and personality as characters and now as the content creator. And no fans of the characters deserve to be hated on for liking a character that was played by a turns out terrible person.

Bye bye, love you all, and ALWAYS SUPPORT VICTIMS.

[deepdeanvsweston]

Lucy Mountfitchet headcanons?

Oh most certainly anon!

- lesbian she told me herself actually.

- idk I've always thought that right from when I first read AFT

- genuinely threw me for a loop when Felix and Lucy were hinted getting together/flirting like what do you MEAN

- not headcannons as such but asking me about them prompted me to actually consider why Lucy was lowkey bugging me

- I think it's because she was turned into a sort of mother character? Idk I feel like she lost all her pizzazz once she married Felix and became Aunt Lucy

- like what happened to the woman who was beefing with a 13 year old in First Class Murder that's the funniest part of the book

- Unmarried Lucy I miss you <3

- i don't mean to be a negative nancy onto hcs now :)

- ik Robin Stevens has said her family wasn't Great due to lots of people asking why they weren't there at her wedding

- i hc her father to have died when she was young and she was very very very close to him so it Hit Hard

- only child

- her mother was constantly nitpicking everything she did and being passive aggressive as she wanted her to find a husband and be presented at court

- absolutely hated the fact that Lucy loved geography and languages and had dreams of being a pilot

- attended Roedean as a boarder and was incredibly timid and often pessimistic at school, but only because of her mother's nitpicking. Free from it, and I imagine she would have been bold and idealistic

- there's an ache inside her that longs to see the world, most likely inherited from her father who would tell her stories and take her on a different 'bedside voyage' each night when she was a little girl

- ran away from home the night of her coming out ball. Left her mother actively gasping for breath as she realised her daughter would not be showing up at the expensive party with over a 1000 guests

- stayed with a 'friend' (see: girlfriend) for a while before attending Oxford. They go their separate ways, but amicably

- immediately snatched up by MI5 when she works out her professor is stealing millions from the government or something like that idk

- has a bob, her mother would never let her cut it as a child and she was smarter than doing it herself, HATES the feeling of long hair

- loves pearl earrings no story she just does

- hates coffee but drinks it because she thinks it makes her seem more sophisticated, and she has to admit it does help with the long nights as a spy

- nobody look at her wardrobe. It's the worst mess you've ever seen. Ties up the handles with a tie because they don't close otherwise

- hasn't finished a book in 2 years. Not she doesn't read, she's an avid reader which is largely the problem. She keeps starting new books without finishing the last ones

- cannot wear heels. When figuring out disguises with MI5 they'll try to get her to wear heels as they think it looks suspicious without them. Lucy tries to walk in them and they immediately go 'no ok that's way more obvious'

- loves miniature things. Asked for a dollhouse every year up to the age of 10 and still desperately wants one now (lowkey jealous of Daisy's at Fallingford)

- keeps stealing bags from the disguise department (???) at MI5 because she likes them

- likes a firm mattress when going to sleep, she always has, but now she can't sleep on anything other after an incident on a mission when she was almost suffocated with a pillow

- sort of freaked out by halls of mirrors at funfairs though astoundingly good at those coconut shys and any carnival game that involves aim

- she's an excellent markswoman

- deeply attracted to women who can speak different languages

[nalyra-dreaming]

How are you Nalyra,I'm hope we are 'ot too annoying ?

I know there a lot of talk about Loumand at the TG l know it's not as romantic that some fans are making it.Im admiting I have only read summaries and I like the idea of Louis having someone to take care of him not in poor meow meow way,I know he is century old vampire but more in the way that Louis also have a life outside of Lestat and their relationship and other people that care for him ,show-Louis is more fleshed out so there a need to correct that Lestat is not all his life right?

You know most of the time as someone who loves Louis and Lestat equally I feel like people see Lestat as his own character that had a life before and outside Loustat which is fair and normal.

But when it comes to Louis everything is centered to Loustat,at least for most fans you just have to see what people are posting mostly about him,I'll say 90% of times people talking about Louis is in his relation to Lestat.

I'm not hating on Loustat,just like any normal person watching iwtv I love them. I just wish Louis could also have his things outside that doesn't revolve around Lestat,like any normal relationship.

I'm not saying the s3 should be about Louis as much as Lestat I know it's Lestat's season I can't wait for his backstory, but even if it's off screen I wish they could give Louis something for him .

I feel like it became a rant that have nothing to do with you but I guess I wanted your opinion?

I'm pretty sure s3 will be as much about Louis as about Lestat(!)... that said, Louis' journey in the books (and I am actually quite sure it will be similar in the show) is about accepting himself, who he is, what he is... and who he loves.

And... Louis' state of being, namely who he is now, what he is now... is directly tied to Lestat. And simply cannot be apart from that fact.

When Lestat turned Louis he changed Louis' path. Everything after will always be defined by that decision, and that moment.

That is why Louis laid it out in 2x08, little other decisions wouldn't have changed anything... he always would have ended up kissing Lestat on the altar.

And kissing Lestat on the altar - accepting the offer - is the focal point in Louis' story.

I am sure there will be more in "stock" for Louis than just yearning after Lestat. 100%.

But this show is built on this premise. The books are built around that as well (among other things).

So while I do know what you mean - and while that is a very honorable wish (I say without any sarcasm!) - it might not be a premise that will be fulfilled within the story lines, at least not in a way that is fully separate. Because it cannot be, not in what they already set everything up, and built the basis.

Because Louis' very (state of) being will always be tied to Lestat.

That is, btw, part of what he needs to accept/is accepting there, too. Because it is nothing easy to accept, to realize you will always be bound to that person, one way or the other (and I don't even mean their vampire bond here^^).

[imfromthemiddlekingdom]

I love how stanikins bend over backwards to attempt to make Obi-Wan and the Jedi look callous and uncaring when all evidence points otherwise.

Obi-Wan is too harsh on him after he endangers his men and Ashoka to save a droid with confidential information on it which he didn’t wipe purposefully, oh no!!! He’s abusive!!!

Obi-Wan putting the good of the Galaxy above the ones he love because it’s his duty and philosophy to put the good of the collective above the good of the few he loves. Oh no!!!! He’s heartless!!! He should’ve let Anakin jump off the moving vehicle to save padme because muh love story!!!! He should’ve known that Anakin’s dreams about his mother dying was a vision and not a dream!!! Definitely not like Anakin told him it was a vision, “just a dream” verbatim from Anakin himself!!! Like if we take legends into consideration then Obi-Wan, someone who is strong in the Unifying force, would definitely have done shit if Anakin told him outright it was a vision but how was he supposed to know when Anakin himself 1) never had a vision before this and 2) never told his master what occurred in said vision?

Obi-Wan would’ve made Anakin fess up to the Tusken massacre if Anakin told him!!! He should’ve been a safe space for Anakin and been accepting like Padme and covered this horrendous miscarriage of justice out of love!!! He didn’t provide a safe space for a mass murderer therefore he deserves blame for it!!!!

The council didn’t want to admit a very clearly traumatized slave child who’s recently been freed because he would not be able to fully commit to their philosophy of non-attachment due to his experience and asking him to change how he viewed the world so shortly after being separated from his one support in life would be cruel so they denied him, therefore he was right to hate them!!! Especially Mace Windu because, checks notes, he was mean (???) to him (???) in the first act of the phantom menace???? Like have y’all not watched TCW and how Mace interacted with him????

Stanikins literally have every excuse under the sun to justify his every atrocity without giving him any agency in his own choice. His story is a tragedy!!! Let it be a tragedy!!! He was a slave boy with godly powers and traumatized beyond imagination! He could’ve been great if the circumstances were different, if one thing changed he would’ve been the greatest Jedi there were, but because he is literally doomed by the narrative, we cannot see him be the person he could be. He has great capacity for kindness of selflessness but because of his experience fear wins out and he desperately holds onto all the affection and love he could because his time as a slave taught him to do so. It’s a disservice to take away his agency, to make all his bad and disastrous decisions the fault of someone else, is to make him one dimensional. Let him be the villain he is and mourn the child he was and the person he could’ve been if he wasn’t doomed by the narrative before the prequels even came out. Let him be tragic. Let his decisions be tragic and doomed and unavoidable. Let him be sucked into villainy the moment he decided that his revenge is worth more than the lives of those that did not participate in the murder and torture of his mother. Let him be utterly unredeemable because of his actions. Let him doomed by his own actions as well as the narrative. Let him be himself instead of woobifying him into a victim of everyone else’s actions but his own.

He choose to massacre the Tuskens. He choose to massacre the Jedi. He choose to hunt any remaining Jedi left in the Galaxy for 20 years. He choose to put the life of his wife above the people who raised him and took him into their culture. He choose to do that himself. And it is tragic. It is sad. But it is no one’s fault but his own. His formative years shaped him into one who jealously hordes all forms of affection form those he loved most as a trauma response. He understands Jedi teachings (literally a whole arc in TCW where he teaches Ashoka what it means to be a Padawan and Jedi) he just doesn’t internalize it because of his trauma. He takes no one’s council but his own (showcased when he went to Yoda to ask for a method of cheating death and Yoda’s advice was sound if he were talking to any other Jedi other than Anakin).

Star Wars may be a a story of hope but it is also a tragedy. It’s about a boy how could’ve been great, it’s about a boy who was so full of hope and dooming himself because he’s too afraid and refuses to let the fear go so it turns into anger and hate. Taking away Anakins agency and blaming his actions on other people takes away the tragedy that is having someone great fall. A boy who was bad cannot fall and be doomed. It’s only those that have the potential to be great that falls the hardest and by taking away his own culpability in bringing in a genocidal empire (one he wished to rule no less) takes away the inherent tragedy of seeing someone so bright fall so low.

[p5x-theories]

What We Know About Mont

(last updated 7/4/25!)

Kotone Montagne, codename Mont, is a famous figure skater who suffered a major injury. Her Arcana is listed in the files as Glory, which seems to come from angel decks. She joins the team as a "Phantom Idol", or cognitive teammate.

A separate version of Kotone (Dancer Kotone) was added Version 3.0.1, and has a separate post documenting her combat information. Note that Dancer Kotone cannot be on the same active team as Mont.

Her files are named with the codenames "Frost" or rarely "Snow" instead of her canon codename Mont. The exact significance of this, if any, is unknown.

Her Japanese voice actress is Shino Shimoji.

Kotone has not appeared in the main story, but she does feature prominently in Tomoko Noge's Confidant, as they bond over being athletes who suffered injuries that prevented them from participating in their sport. She and Tomoko spend a lot of time bonding, though there's a bit of distance between them for a while, as Tomoko hesitates to ask her about the progress of her physical rehabilitation. However, Kotone eventually reveals that she already completed rehabilitation and is able to return to the rink, but she's felt too overwhelmed by outside pressure to actually ice skate again. Tomoko gets her school's band to play the song they used to use to cheer for Tomoko for Kotone, which motivates Kotone to return to figure skating.

Kotone later had her own Confidant added to the game, set after Tomoko's Confidant. It focuses on her struggles in returning to the rink and mastering a new choreography, which is centered around the theme of love. More information about Kotone’s Confidant can be found here.

Kotone also had a special animated promo video focused on her.

Interestingly, Kotone was originally stated to be an adult by promotional media, but this was retconned with the addition of her Confidant, and she is now a second-year high school student.

Even within Tomoko's Confidant, aspects of her personality are apparent. She maintains a somewhat closed-off, though superficially friendly, demeanor, and comes across as a mature person who can be social but keeps interactions to a minimum. However, she's touched by Tomoko's actions towards her, continuously going out of her way to help Kotone. This eventually leads to a friendship, although Kotone keeps a bit of a wall up as she can't admit to Tomoko the real reason why she hasn't gone back to figure skating.

While she can seem friendly but just a bit distant, she's revealed to have many typical interests that Tomoko can bond with her over, and enjoys sillier things like trying a special signature pasta dish at a restaurant with Tomoko and Wonder. She also lightly panics after having a fight with her coach, leading to her seeking out a flower shop that can give her a bouquet with a ridiculously large amount of her coach's favorite flowers within a single day. Kotone seems mature and somewhat aloof, and she is those things, but she also cares more than tends to be obvious, and has the self-awareness to realize quickly if she was the one in the wrong after an argument.

Kotone gives the impression of someone who bottles their emotions up until they overflow. She breaks down into tears outside Shibuya station when she finally admits to Tomoko that she finished physical rehab a while ago, but has a mental block preventing her from skating like she used to, even crouching down to hug her knees to her chest (possibly so she wouldn't have to face Tomoko and Wonder when she admitted it). She cites the reason for this mental block as hateful comments online about her, which she was previously able to ignore, but hit harder now; her injury seems to have made her feel more vulnerable, or perhaps more fearful of messing up again.

While she's moved past some of this in her Confidant, a core theme is still how easily people's words can get to her, which is something that Wonder (and to a lesser extent, her coach) help her grow past over the course of its story. Her Confidant also reveals that her somewhat closed-off personality is largely just her own inability to express her feelings, which bleeds into her performances as well, which are technically perfect but lack much emotion behind them. Kotone has trouble understanding the emotional side of things as opposed to the logical side, which can lead to frustration when her coach only explains things in vague, emotional terms rather than a concrete explanation of what Kotone can do to improve it.

Despite her struggles, however, this is something Kotone genuinely wants to improve on. While at first she attempts to understand how to express "love" by reading and watching romance genre stories, showing that she's one to thoroughly research a problem if she can't figure it out, she later suggests fake-dating Wonder (before immediately backtracking that idea). In the end, it seems she learns best by doing, as she comes to realize how to express "love" by becoming aware of the love she has for her coach, her fans, and Wonder (romantic, in his case). Notably, while she directly confesses to Wonder after this realization, she takes a rejection (if the player chooses to) gracefully, and while she still seems to hold onto her love for him she never pushes a relationship after that point.

An official description of her also mentioned she's French-Japanese, has been figure skating since she was a child, and is a perfectionist.

Mont's Persona Terpsichore (based on the Greek muse of dance and chorus) is categorized as an Ice type, and resists Ice while being weak to Psychokinesis.

Terpsichore is an Assassin Persona, meaning she’s good at targeting single enemies, and her trait gives her "ice crystals" whenever a teammate attacks, which let her inflict a followup attack at the end of her own turn. She has three ice attack skills: the first hits all enemies with a chance to cause freeze, the second hits one enemy and gives her four ice crystals, and the third hits one enemy, doing more damage the lower their health is, and doing extra damage if Mont has ten ice crystals. Her passive skills increase her chance of inflicting freeze, and give her three ice crystals when an enemy is defeated.

In combat, her melee weapon is a sabre (though she can also use Dancer Mont's alternate sabres), while her ranged weapon is a bolt action rifle. Her Highlight is shown from 2:40 - 2:53 in this video, and it hits one enemy with an ice attack that does more damage the lower the enemy's health is.

Her recommended card sets are 1) 4 of Cups (Luxury) + Knight of Swords (Focus), 2) 4 of Coins (Power) + Page of Coins (Growth).

The game recommends teaming her up with 1) Closer and Cattle, 2) Leon.

[sp-growingpains]

hey, you!! i recently got asked some headcanon questions for my characters and it reminded me that i havent asked about jean in a while <3 so let me send you some questions!!

what's her most embarrassing secret, something she'd never admit or something of the sort?

what's a story she'd tell when everyone's sitting down around the campfire? (bonus question: what type of s'mores eater is she: the one who burns it, the one who perfectly toasts it, the one who's too impatient to make the s'mores and just eats each individual ingredient separately, or does she not like s'mores?)

ghosts, does she believe in them?

a very specific pet peeve she has

in minecraft, would she be the fighter, the builder, the speedrunner, or the noob?

someone tripped, how would she react?

if she had a few more hours to live, what would she ask for her final meal?

hope its too much to answer!!

Come here, imma kiss you. 🫵

You're never too much!

I don't know how to handle kindness!

Secrets - Secrets!

Oh man, this is a fun one! I'm not gonna lie. These are some of the things I thought of for Jean!

It's absurd how easily Jean gets frightened. One of her favorite genres is horror, whether that's books, video games, movies - she loves them! That being said, she's a big baby! It's unfortunately not a secret, so I kinda cheated with this one, but she's embarrassed about it for sure. She keeps trying "exposure therapy" to try and get over that. This leads to a lot of late nights where she's curled up with a pillow, screaming at every pathetic jump scare.

Now, for one that's an actual secret! Her neck is super sensitive. She doesn't know why it's like that, but she hates it. It's part of the reason why she won't cut her hair or change her hairstyle. The braids rest on her shoulders and help hide her neck. Not that there are many people going around touching her neck, but ya know, better safe than sorry!

A small wholesome one that I can only imagine a handful of people would know is her love for her old stuffed tiger. She's got a stuffed tiger she got from her dad when she was little. It's old, worn out, restitched (thank you, Mama Sharon), and missing an eye. His name is Jiàn'ér (valiant fighter), and he's very important to her!

A Short Story!

Hey, so I wrote a short story to go with this question! It's been a long time since I wrote anything, and I've been wanting to kind of dive back into it! You can read the whole thing [HERE].

Long story cut short!

Jean would tell scary stories for sure. Even though I mentioned above, she's a big baby, she loves them. Her favorite thing to do is drag other people in on her campfire story telling shinangens! If she can get her friends to help her build the mood, she will!

As for the marshmallow, she really doesn't have the patience to fully cook a s'more. She loves them, though! Burnt. Raw. Slightly cooked to perfection. All of it. As long as she doesn't have to do it. If left to her own, she'll just eat the marshmallows whole.

Spooky Time Bitch

You cannot live in fucking South Park, Colorado and not believe in the supernatural.

Jokes aside, yes, she very much believes in ghosts. She believes in almost all supernatural things. If aliens are real, what's really stopping everything else from being real?! Vampires? Werewolves?

Hell, she fell for hard for the ManBearPig thing much to Stan's annoyance.

For the most part, she keeps that part of herself locked away, but if you get her drunk and talk about it, she goes on a full rant. Cue the Pepe Silvia meme. The red string in a whiteboard, whole nine yards.

Ghosts are just the tip of the strange iceberg.

Petting Peeves

Man, so here's the thing. We all have that one where we can't stand people who chew with their mouth open. Or when people talk over you. Those are the ones I think everyone is born with. Although, she doesn't mind when people talk over her as much. It's more like, "Hey, don't talk over that person they were talking." For her.

But for a very specific one? (It's gonna sound so selfish, I'm sorry.)

Comparing her to Stan.

I don't know if you ever had this problem growing up with a best friend, where every single person compares you to your friend.

"Oh you're [___]'s friend!"

"You and [___] are so much alike!"

"You're like the female version of [___]!"

I got that last one a lot growing up.

For Jean, that's a quick way to get under her skin. Because for her that takes away from Stan. Comparing her to someone she sees as so wonderful and great isn't something she likes. It's complicated, right?

She's so hard on herself that it feels like you're insulting him. Stan's great. He's a natural leader. He's talented. He's funny. He's a great guy.

She's just Jean. Just Jean.

Comparing her to him, it's not fair to him.

World cold and cruel; play Minecraft

This question is so fun because I always had it in my head that she would play Minecraft with Ike! It's that little dude who gets her into the game, and from there, she's just hooked. She's not very good at the building part, which is why she loves playing it with others. She loves the mining and exploring part of Minecraft.

POV, you're working on your base. You've just finished the farm and it's come together so nicely. In the distance, you see it. A shitty blocky model of Shrek running at you. Above his name is:

Jean.I.Guess

Because that dumb bitch didn't know what to make her username. Followed behind her are three dogs. A cat. And two birds. She right clicks the animals next to your house.

> D O G G Y

> C A T

> B O R B

She runs off. Jumps into a boat and paddles off. Not before throwing a stack of bullshit in your chest. Moments later, at the bottom of your screen you read.

Jean.I.Guess was blown up by a creeper

All is as it should be.

FINAL DESTINATION. NO ITEMS

Funny enough, this was the one that tripped me up the most. Jean has such a whatever pallet. As long as it's food, she's gonna eat it.

That is if she can.

Jean is allergic to nuts. She can't have them at all. PB&Js were out of the question as a kid.

She'd be very fucking tempted to say anything peanut butter and chocolate. Really, really tempted. BUT even she's not that stupid!

Her final meal would be a Thanksgiving plate made by Sharon. She wouldn't even ask for anything specific, just whatever the woman would make on Thanksgiving day... she wants it on a plate. There is nothing that would bring her more joy than the memories of sitting around a table with the closest thing she has as a family.

[atomra]

Ramble post about Alucard/Atom/Anderson's relationship!

Couldn't think of a fun way to illustrate this, so I'll just talk about it in text form! I'll put it under a read more because I think this will turn out to be long...

In basic sense, they are a polyship. They all have different relationships with each other. Plus Alucard still has relationships with MANY others in my AU (mostly because it is a shared AU with a friend of mine!) Anyways, I'll go through each one:

Atom and Anderson — Mentors to each other/Strained Friendship

Atom and Anderson start real rocky. Atom is non-religious and open-minded and Anderson is very religious and closed-minded about MANY things. Plus sharing Atom's body makes Anderson more hostile then he would like to be. He's very closed off, especially in the beginning. His issues only come out if Atom reads between the lines - thankfully Atom is good at understanding people.

Much later into the relationship, once they get comfortable with the body issue, Atom and Anderson develop more of a mentor/mentee relationship. Atom helps Anderson experience things outside of his fixations and Anderson helps Atom with exorcisms, training, and swordplay.

Once they find some common ground their relationship grows closer, but not by much. Atom isn't that physically attracted to him (other then height), but watching Alucard and Anderson interact is very fun for them. Anderson thinks Atom is pretty cute and finds himself getting more protective the longer they stick together.

When Atom becomes a dhampir and Anderson becomes their familiar, their relationship gets MUCH better. Since Anderson can actually separate from Atom with a physical form. By then, Anderson and Alucard are much closer and it makes Anderson bolder with Atom.

Anderson eventually starts to pull Atom into more things with Alucard, knowing they want to be apart of it but aren't courageous enough to ask. Atom is a flustered mess.

Anderson also has the plus that he can literally read every thought and see Atom's memories... such an unfair advantage.

Atom and Alucard — Close friends with benefits

Because of Anderson's previous affection for Alucard, Atom isn't tense around Alucard to begin with. Their body responds openly to him already much to Atom's dismay and confusion. But overall, they get along pretty okay even to start. Atom doesn't take any of his shit and Alucard teases the hell out of them.

It doesn't take very long for Alucard to be flirty, as he is himself, which Atom doesn't mind. They ARE annoyed by him. But annoyed because they think he's hot in most of his forms, and his way of dealing with Atom is much to their liking.

At their max annoyance, Atom does fight with him actively. They really fucking hate him sometimes and show that they won't be stepped on. Alucard loves that energy of course. Fire and oil, really.

Body wise, they are very compatible. Atom hates/loves how well Alucard can spin them around his finger. Sometimes he crosses lines, but Atom let's him know what's up.

Emotionally, Atom cannot match Alucard's passion and doesn't give him that type of attention. Atom is aromantic and Alucard craves that closeness. Despite that, later on in their relationship, Atom is happy to just talk to him and Alucard appreciates it. Atom is very good at calming people down. Alucard is also good at hyping Atom up when they need it.

They end up pretty chill over time, especially when Atom becomes a dhampir and can give him a proper fight. They watch a lot of movies together and explore haunted locations.

Anderson and Alucard — Dating(?) emotionally and fighting physically

Overall, in this AU, I assume that Alucard and Anderson had some form of relationship before the climax of the story. It wasn't something to be labeled, because Anderson would never admit it, but they were close already. Anderson's toxic mind forced it to pause, and of course, his death made Alucard believe nothing would come of it. Oh, how wrong he was.

Once Alucard finds out Anderson is a conscious being in Atom's body, he was ESTATIC. Over the moon. Fallen for Anderson all over again. The amount of passion Alucard has is an honest shock for Anderson and there is a lot of denial in there. Anderson doesn't want to admit any of it if he can help it. Alucard doesn't allow that.

Eventually, when Alucard can break into Atom and Anderson's dreamscape is when all hell breaks loose for them both. Alucard and Anderson can see each other physically for the first time in awhile and Alucard doesn't let go of that this time.

After the third meeting Alucard and Anderson end up admitting things to each other in their typical fashion. By here, they are 'dating' but Anderson will never admit it. Just who he is. Alucard doesn't really care that Anderson won't admit it. Alucard can see it on his face.

They have a lot of similar experiences and a very strong bond that everybody can see. Their romantic affection for each other is very deep, which satisfies that connection they don't have with Atom. Atom thinks their bond is cute.

Once they are more comfortable with each other, especially when Atom becomes a dhampir, the two actively conspire to pull Atom deeper into their mess. Alucard and Anderson end up using Atom as a way to challenge each other and get closer. Atom doesn't mind, but they will never admit it out loud.

There is a lot more little things but those are the basics! I wrote a lot WHOOPS. Also Atom has a website here for more info on them!

Enjoy!

[limirint]

Harry Potter and The Death of the Author

(aka my rationale for the ethical implications of engaging with the intellectual property of a violent public figure)

**This post is to explain my personal perspective as someone who has chosen to continue making fan content for the Harry Potter series. I am posting this to acknowledge the cultural context, clarify my position, and contribute to an important dialogue. I am not looking for validation or a debate-- these are simply my thoughts as they stand.

-

First, if it is not already clear from the title: I unequivocally resent JKR's bigoted and exclusionary views, particularly as they relate to feminist and transgender issues. Her rhetoric and her actions around these matters are hateful, cruel, and dangerous.

That is the extent of my relationship to JKR, the person and public figure.

Unfortunately, there also exists another relationship-- one to JKR, the author attached to the Harry Potter series, a work of literature that I deeply resonate with.

As much as it hurts to admit, there cannot be a clean separation of the art from the artist. The knowledge of the artist has directly affected my relationship with the art. It is why I am writing this post. Yet, it will still be posted on a Harry Potter fan page. I am in a confusing gray area that I am still figuring out how exactly I should navigate.

To do so, I want to talk about "impact."

I've thought about it. I really have. But I don't think a complete amputation of this series from my life leads to any meaningful advocacy.

I mean, yes, I selfishly want to engage with the art I love, of course-- but I was also frothing at the mouth for a Skyrim-esque Wizarding World video game that came straight from my dreams. One which I have yet to buy because I am aware of where that money would go. That was a tangible impact-- something I could disengage for.

But, what about disengagement from the intangible. Fanfic? Fanart? Community?

I have read about the importance of reducing JKR's relevance, but honestly, I think the logic-- while well-meaning-- is flawed. Hypothetically, even if everyone who opposed JKR's views evacuated from fan spaces, then she would still be the author of one of the Top 10 most successful franchises in the entire world-- and even if somehow she WASN'T anymore-- if Harry Potter was scrubbed from everyone's memory-- she would still be a billionaire capable of extreme harm.

But Harry Potter wouldn't cease to exist. The problem with JKR isn't her as a singular person, and it definitely isn't the books she wrote about teenage wizards-- it's everyone in the world who agrees with her hateful views, the people who exist to support the bills and organizations she funds. Disengaging from Harry Potter doesn't erase those people.

If everyone who opposes JKR removes themselves, then fan spaces that she lives in would be filled with people who openly support her bigotry. The internet would gain a new echo chamber for hateful beliefs to fester unchallenged, disguised as a children's series about a magic boy.

Some argue that's what it is now, but I disagree. This is a diverse (and very queer!!!!!) community. You can pull potential examples of JKR's prejudice from the text, but those Doylist analyses are not what made the series popular. This is where, I believe, the separation of the art from the artist becomes relevant:

Barthes' theory around "The Death of the Author" proposes that writing is defined by the reader's interpretation. The author and their intent dies on the page-- they only exist to provide the literal words, while all meaning is born from those who consume it.

Harry Potter, as a piece of art, feels like mine because it is mine. Honestly, I think the characters and story that I love would be unrecognizable to JKR-- and vice versa. It's not about her, not even a little bit. The words could have been written by anyone, and the way I internalized it would remain exactly the same.

So, in terms interacting with the art, I will continue to fill the artistic spaces with interpretations that convey inclusivity and acceptance, in which I am creatively free to adjust, redact, and add pieces to my liking.

My advocacy lies in preventing this art from existing only through the interpretations of people who agree with hate and bigotry.

This works in tandem with the moral lines that I draw against my interactions with JKR, the billionaire who uses her power to promote hatred. I will loudly condemn her from within the places she thinks are hers, I will advocate in favor of the movements that she has tried to smother, and while I am aware that if she never makes another cent, she still would already have more money than a person could spend in one lifetime, I will not knowingly let my dollars be the ones that fund her prejudice.

TLDR; If everyone who opposed JKR disengaged from Harry Potter, fan spaces would not die. They would only be transformed into an echo chamber for people who are cool with bigotry.

THIS ART DOES NOT BELONG TO HATRED !!!!

FUCK JKR !!!!!

[highwaysandglutenfreebyways]

Today has been one of those days that reminds me why I am even attempting to start a gluten free foodie traveling blog. It has been a reminder why the time, effort, energy, research, and money are all going to be worth it. If I can help prevent the accidental exposure to gluten for those with Celiacs disease and other autoimmune conditions that require one to be free from gluten, then it all is worth it.

I love traveling and as a part of that I must eat, so I am documenting my experiences along the way so people can learn to travel while being gluten free safely, both locally and long distances. For me, even locally it is extremely hard for me to find safe places to eat or to buy adequate amounts of grocery. I hope that my stories and experiences relate to other Celiacs or food allergy sufferers and that I can help someone somewhere with my personal stories and experiences. I am going to combine my love of travel and eating and sharing to create a blog and a community of traveling gluten free foodies.

Just to be honest if you keep reading past this point it will be totally TMI, but in this space TMI is something we all must be comfortable with. The uncomfortable things in life are a part of life and for far too long it has been taboo to talk about our bodily functions and how they affect our body and affect our minds. It is like as a society we have decided that talking about poop and puke is this naughty thing to keep a secret. The truth is “shit happens”, it’s just life, if we have to live this life we must accept it in all its glory—poop, puke, and all the nasty little things we hate to admit are a part of life, as well as the beautiful things this life has to offer too.

With all that being said let me explain why today was such a crappy day.

Last Friday my love had wanted to try a BBQ place that we pass twice a week on the way to the airport for him to either arrive or depart. I was nervous from the get-go because it is a new place and there is this anxiety that comes from eating anywhere new because I just never know their protocols, menus, ingredients, knowledge level on gluten-free dining and cross contamination protocols. When I get anxious I repeat myself and can be relentless in restating those anxieties and then defending and justifying those anxieties over-and-over-and-over-and-over-and…you get the point. The anxiety around eating at places I’ve eaten before is one thing, the anxiety that comes from eating anywhere new is awful!

My love who we will call Mr. Love in this community and blog is experienced at ordering for me and sometimes gets tripped up because when he begins explaining that we need the bread and anything fried to be in a separate container as we will be sharing the food and because, “she has celiacs and cannot have wheat or gluten…” and their faces go blank so he switches to, “she is allergic to bread” and I butt in and say, “I have celiacs so no gluten, no flour, no wheat…” and they still just seem to focus on the bread it makes my anxiety even worse, because I know in that instance that they do not have the knowledge needed to ensure a safe dining experience in a state where cross contamination is actually punishable by health code violations and fines. However the only way to know for sure is to take the risk. Just like my tagline states “…taking all the risk of being glutened do you don’t have to!”

Our rib tips were not amazing and since I have been wheat free for so long I can taste wheat, barely, or rye based products in my food. I mean they are flavors I don’t ever taste otherwise in my diet and each has a distinct flavor profile. I swear I could taste the wheat flour in the rub on the ribs. I cannot be certain that is where the exposure was but it is the only thing I ate and the rib tips were crisp—as a gluten free home chef and baker I know that flour in rubs is common practice if your goal is a crisp crust on the final product so I am always concerned about seasonings when eating out. It’s called “oven frying” because the flour mixes with the fats and creates a crispy finish in the oven or smoker as if it was fried—best of both worlds; slow cooked and fried. I ate only 3-4 rib tips and decided that my stomach bloat and nausea had to be from them and that I should stop. I know now that had I continued I would not have made the hour journey home without some kind of bodily function emergency, and worse yet it’s a rural drive with no businesses or bathrooms available the entire hour home.

People commonly believe that exposure to gluten causes all the symptoms at once and that the person just gets a tummy ache, but I can tell you this is not the case at all, it’s actually very brutal on me and most everyone else and it lasts for days, weeks, months, and even years to decades later. The reason for this is simple enough; it’s AutoImmune. Which means when I am exposed to gluten protein from wheat, barley, rye, or malt containing products my body attacks my small intestine destroying the lining and making me even closer to death than necessary. The effects of the gluten exposure can last so long because it takes a long time for gluten proteins to make their way out of the body through the intestines. It can take 6 weeks or more depending on the person exposed. Every exposure shortens my life span and causes systemic problems (whole body). I am only 40 this year, a long slow painful death from eating doesn’t seem like something I want to live through and I don’t want others to either.

Why am I stating all of this as a precursor to what I am about to share about today is because if you are new to Celiacs or loving someone with Celiacs or have been living with Celiacs you need to understand what is going on with my body and yours and since this is my first ever post about this I decided some background is appropriate and necessary.

Celiacs is the ONLY autoimmune condition that MUST be treated with a gluten free diet! It is not optional! Not even a little nibble is acceptable—I have some stories to share about this journey I’ve been on for the last 6 years of my life transitioning from a gluten world to a gluten free world. Gluten free eating if you have Celiacs is not an option and it is not a diet that is going to make you lose weight and it is most definitely going to save your life and change your relationship with food. I hope that sharing my journey inspires and helps you.

Today was just awful! I was exposed last Friday, April 04 2025, and today nearly a week later the ultimate symptoms happened. I am a Dasher for DoorDash and I had to stop dashing because of exposure a week ago for the first time ever. I know some of you are already reading this and are skeptical of this or have experienced similar and feel like maybe you were crazy but now someone else has the guts to tell the ugly truths and you now feel heard and not so crazy—I hope you’re in the latter group because I know I was when I found an Instagrammer that I follow, she has made me feel so normal in this journey and has some amazing tips of her own (I’ll link her in another post). My symptoms made me late and caused me a contract violation which I am disputing due to the emergency nature and since I don’t have a habit of being late I will not have a permanent violation on my record, but nonetheless I had to stop working and hoped I could make it home after finishing the delivery that I was interrupted during.

Let’s go back to last Friday, the 4th of April. As I stated I picked my love up from the airport and we headed straight for a new to us bbq place and is also one of the last possible stops before an hour of driving through cornfields home. I also told you about how he ordered and we did the whole gluten-free no bread speech we go through each time ordering anywhere. So let’s jump forward to the food. The rib tips were noting to write home about; It could have just been the time of day but I will not be confirming this possibility.

I could taste the wheat I believe and I believe it was in the rub. Like I said the rib tips were crispy on the outside like they were “oven fried” in the smoker. I only ate 3-4 and I really didn’t enjoy them, I questioned every bite. My teeth are also destroyed from my Sjögrens, so it just was not a good experience all-the-way-around for me, and then it got worse when I started feeling the burn in my stomach.

That burn! If you know the burn you know the burn. I cannot explain the burn it is one you’d have experience to know what I’m talking about. It is a deep in the pit of my stomach burn that turns into belching and bloat and distention of my abdomen—that over stuffed Thanksgiving type bloat! Heartburn and deep guttural burping combined with nausea and hives in my hairline and itching skin and scalp…not a comfortable ride home.

The next day I noticed a breakout on my face and that my right hip was hurting. As the day went on I began to get stiffer and my muscles in my back and hip began to tighten making it hard to stand up straight and walk and sit, but I know I must keep moving through it. By Tuesday my hip and muscle pain and tightness turned into my entire right side from my neck down to my knee spasming and contracting causing so much pain and discomfort. During this time I haven’t been able to have a bowl movement; depending on my level of exposure I will either get constipated immediately or have explosive diarrhea followed by a period of constipation followed by another bout of explosive diarrhea amongst other symptoms, once the gluten is actually being expelled by my body days to weeks even months later sometimes—all depends on exposure level—all exposure is bad! So I’ve been constipated for a week but that all changed today.

As I was driving to pick up an order I could feel the spasm in my lower intestines and knew that I needed to use the bathroom. I was able to access the bathroom at the business I was picking up from however I couldn’t go. After leaving with the delivery safely in the bin in the back seat my body let me know to get to a bathroom immediately! Thank goodness for that BP I was near! The diarrhea, sweating, shaking, dizziness, and fatigue that came over me was unreal! It makes me feel like I’m going to pass out. Since I had been constipated for so long there was a considerable amount of discomfort going as well.

I thought I was finished after about 5 minutes but I my body had other ideas. Finally after about 15 minutes I was able to wash my hands and continue my delivery. I am so glad that the delivery was at a medial office because in that 9 minute drive I needed to get to a bathroom again! This bathroom trip not only was explosive but I had to grab the trash can and lost my lunch. I had told my app to pause my deliveries after I delivered to the front desk and after my bathroom experiences on that trip I decided to end my dash and head home. My delivery had taken me more than a quarter of the way home anyway, so it just made sense to go home and take care of myself.

I called Mr. Love on my way home and we talked and it helped distract me and keep me from pooping my pants in the front seat of the Tesla and vomiting. My stomach was hurting so bad and my intestines felt as if they were in a vice being twisted and pulled at the same time and I just needed to make the 12 mile journey home without losing everything all over the inside of our car. I made it home thankfully. Of course I had to go more but I did not puke more. I got in the shower and felt so refreshed afterward! The hot water helped to calm the spasms in my abdomen and helped me relax which also helped my stomach calm down.

After my shower I made myself a big glass of bomb pop flavored Liquid IV and took a 3 hour nap. When I awoke I was nauseous because I was hungry. Luckily for me I stopped at the grocery store last night and grabbed a 2 pack of Bob Evan’s single serve mashed potatoes, I have never seen these before but they were marked gluten free and on sale so I figured, “Why not?”, so I ate one of those and am still sipping my Liquid IV. I am feeling better but sleepy. Loosing all those fluids to diarrhea and vomit had me so dehydrated and I already struggle with hydration because of the malabsorption caused by Celiacs and Sjögrens, so I’m just feeling depleted. Liquid IV was doctor ordered many years ago for me and it is something I need to make sure to have more of in my lifestyle—it saves me every time I am dehydrated or just low on electrolytes.

What else amazes me after I dump like this and expel that poison from my body that is gluten, my joints and muscle and all other symptoms start to ease immediately and within a few hours it’s like I haven’t been hurting and barely able to walk this last week. My hip and neck and knee all not hurting, just some residual stiffness from inflammation, but even that has gotten better in the time it has taken to write this blog from my phone and make a Facebook post.

Today has been a really crappy day and I’m glad I am starting to feel better. I’m exhausted and going back to sleep. Tomorrow my body will begin its journey to healing from this most recent exposure. My last exposures lead to an Acetabular Hip Labrum tear that required surgical repair but on the left side—yes it was after gluten exposure caused so much inflammation and instability in my hip that revealed an injury at least, but it is possible it caused the tear.

Now I’m going to grab a small snack, sip my Liquid IV, and hopefully get some good rest tonight. I’m binging Big Bang Theory for the 17th time and it always makes me feel better. I’ll drift off to sleep to it and end up moving to my bed from the couch at some point—maybe.

Goodnight,

Phoebe

[elithedndyke]

I don’t know if it’s Post-Lockdown fandom or how The Youths™️ are just engaging in fandom right now- but I need y’all to understand that if you don’t like a new season of something you can just stop watching it. It’s okay to grow out of something and stick to the nostalgia of what you do enjoy.

I saw this with Critical Role and am seeing it currently with Yellowjackets. “I hate that they’re doing this.” “The writing is sloppy.” “It’s become too corporate.” “There are so many plot holes.” Even if these things are true, there are people that still enjoy the media being actively produced.

And these small minority, negative posts flood an otherwise healthy and positive fandom space. It’s infuriating. Make a snark sub or page if you truly feel so negatively about it but won’t stop watching.

Like with Yellowjackets specifically, no they will not have goats and rabbits native to the area on set bc they’re WILD. It’s a safety issue, not a plot hole. The girls building a mini-society and quite frankly shitty hutches during a time of prosperity is not unreasonable or unrealistic. Have you seen the study where they did lord of the flies in a completely monitored home? Just let a bunch of kids in there separated by gender. The girls did REALLY well compared to the boys. When they aren’t strapped for resources I have no doubt that they could create shelters and round up some animals. More food + more resources = more activity = more progress.

And I’m not saying people are wrong! The writing this season is odd to me. I’d love to see what happened post cabin burning. But they only have ?? What, ten episodes? To tell the story they want to tell.

Anyway, that bit was a tangent but my point still stands. Write a fanfiction that shows the post burn content. Create art showing the depravity of what’s “really” happening during this mass hallucination you believe them to be in. Or take a step back, take a deep breath, and just admit it’s not for you anymore. When you engage in fandom healthily your mindset should be, “I hope it goes this way but it’s okay if it does something else.” Because writers cannot read your mind. And if it’s truly egregious enough, you can just step away and find something else.