#it's a hobby it's my blog i shouldn't make myself feel like i need to do stuff when i don't have energy just bc i'm an oc blog & people

[byanyan]

the want to reply to everything all at once so much that you overwhelm urself trying to figure out what to reply to first... so u get tired and frustrated and give up before u can do much at all. that's it, that's what i've been dealing with, i finally figured it out

[alicerosejensen]

⚠️⚠️⚠️WARNING ⚠️⚠️⚠️

!!!SELF-HARM!!!

All right, I myself still experience this shit that has been with me for many years. So this blog is my outlet. When I was a teenager, I did self-harm, it's terrible, but I thought it was better than antidepressants, which left an emptiness inside. I really felt better, but it didn’t help my mental health in any way.

Please, if this is a painful topic for you, then just scroll down.

I need Leon, who will beat the shit out of me with a suplex 🤣 And then he will hug and regret. Sudden headcanon - Leon ALWAYS takes care of his beloved.

- self-harm is a thing of the past, but the scars on your skin are now forever with you

- Wide leather bracelets, long sleeves, closed dresses - cut marks should be hidden.

- Everyone deals with their own pain as best they can. If Leon prefers alcohol, then the old folding knife is still in your pocket.

- Leon finds out about your past "hobby" quite by accident.

- He will notice the cuts when you decide to spend the night with him.

- This surprised him unpleasantly, but no condemnation. Leon will run his thumb over the scars, trying to gently ask why did you do this and are you still going on?

- "I felt like a terrible person. This was my reset button. I needed to dispel this fog in my head."

-You probably won't notice, but Leon will be watching closely to see if you have any new scars.

- He will give you all the support he can, especially if you are in therapy. Leon understands how important this is!

- Your pocket knife has gone missing.

- "Princess, why do you need him? Do you want us to talk about what's bothering you? Maybe you want to take a walk? "

- Of course, the number of sharp objects was halved. He's not paranoid, but it's better that you don't have any temptation to hurt yourself. Leon is just worried but happy to see your sincere smile after his stupid joke.

- Don't feel bad for yourself. People can be pieces of shit, but they shouldn't be the reason for your tears and your pain.

- If Leon has the opportunity (we all know he has a fucking important job) he will remind you to take your medicine. Doesn't work or do you feel worse? We'll find another psychotherapist.

- The DSO still pays him well.

- When everything is fine with you, Leon will become more serene

- He kisses your wrists, always speaking kindly to you. Your head lies on his chest, and a blanket is tangled somewhere in his legs. Don't be ashamed of your past! He doesn't blame you for hurting yourself. Those who brought you to this are to blame.

- Sharp things are back in range... but your pocketknife remains missing.

- No need to ask him where he hid it. You will most likely never find it again.

- Leon is still watching you vigilantly as you cut food in the kitchen.

- "I'm not going to make myself hara-kiri!"

- Maybe I just like watching you cook."

- This is partly true. Just give him more time. Leon loves and trusts you, but he's calmer this way.

P.S. God save Leon S(exy) Kennedy!

[panda-writes-kpop]

Rating How Delulu You Are Based On Your Bias (GG Edition)

Disclaimer: This is all in good fun. Please don't take any of the jabs in this with sincerity - my sense of humor involves teasing that can be seen as mean at times, but I promise that I have no malicious intent. Although this shouldn't be needed, I would rather not end up all over Twitter, Tiktok, or whatever else. I'm also not going to tag this because I don't feel like bringing unknown attention to myself. We cool? ❤️ please don't cancel me. I just like to have some fun as a silly teen girl yk

Anyways, I can't believe I'm 19 🥹 it feels weird that this is my last year as a teen, but I am kind of looking towards my 20s. Thank you all for not only supporting my blog but also me as a person.

That's enough of the sweet and nostalgic things - it's time to get started with what you came here for. 😌😉

Dreamcatcher:

JiU

- like a solid 6/10

- always good to be a little delulu

- honestly thought y'all would be higher bc of the things Minji says

SuA

- 7/10

- can't tell if y'all are delulu for SuA, delulu for SuA being with Siyeon, or a bit of both

- valid any way you slice it bc she's hot-

Siyeon

- ♾️/10

- "siyeon's my wife-" no babes you need therapy there's a difference

- simply touching grass will not do the job, rolling down a grass hill and inhaling some just might do the trick-

Handong

- 4/10

- okay listen y'all are just chill and I love that about you

- and I respect the few fully dedicated soldiers to this women, you deserve nothing but the best 🫶

Yoohyeon

- 8/10

- you understand that you have no endgame with her but you still think she's your girlfriend 🤔

- a chill kind of delulu

Dami

- 100/10

- if y'all have seen those tiktok edits you know exactly what I'm talking about

- "She could run me over with her car-" SEE A THERAPIST (i would let her do worse 🤭)

Gahyeon

- 8/10

- you think she's your girlfriend but she's not, I'm sorry :(

- she takes the best selfies and has legendary photocards so I don't blame you at all for the delulu

Itzy:

Yeji

- 6/10

- Her dancing skills and stage presence makes us all a little delulu tbh

- her stans are chill tho and only come out of the woodwork for comebacks or her individual promotions

Lia

- 2/10 or 10/10

- okay listen Lia biased people either are completely grounded and down to earth or are a permanent resident on delulu island

- I am the latter 🫣 but it's LIA COME ON

Ryujin

♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️/10

- she can't be everyone's wife, you guys, you're not married to her. GET HELP

- I have yet to meet a non-delulu Ryujin biased person and yes that includes myself 😌

Chaeryeong

- 9/10

- a rare breed but you all are DEDICATED to this women

- I don't need to recommend therapy but you all are slowly getting a little too close to that line-

Yuna

- 4/10

- I'm so surprised that this isn't higher because have you SEEN YUNA?!?!?

- SHIN YUNA MY LOVE I ADORE YOU 🥹🫶 Don't worry I'm delulu for you any day of the week 😌

Blackpink:

Jisoo

- 10/10

- Repeat after me: YOU. ARE. NOT. MARRIED. TO. THIS. WOMAN.

- but it's Jisoo so I don't blame you 🤷‍♀️

Jennie

- 8/10

- definitely delulu but you're not as vocal about it

- you're mostly busy trying to fight off this 24/7 shitstorm that people fling at her, and I respect the grind 🫡

Rosé

- 1000/10

- consider journaling as a hobby and stop writing your fantasies on the internet. I BEG OF YOU- (this is also a self call out 🫣)

- "I bet she-" How about we NOT go there?????

Lisa

- 100000000000000/10

- Again, consider journaling as a HOBBY instead posting on the internet

- there's so many of you that the delulu is uncontrollable, so that's why the ranking is so high

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

related to that other post i made about reading speed, whenever people are like "you shouldn't just read easy fiction books, you need to Challenge Yourself and Broaden Your Mind and Do Analysis" it annoys me because i am the kind of person who does enjoy close readings and analysis (uh, have you seen my blog), but also i have two brain-heavy analysis-focused jobs that challenge me plenty and that my brain is not just broadened but actively melted by trying to juggle them on a daily basis. so a lot of the time i read as a means of relaxation and a way of giving my brain a break, and i have no interest in making that particular hobby Harder and More Challenging for myself

i want to read easy books! i want to read books that feel like a hug! i want to reread the same romance novel five times! i want to read pacy genre fiction that i can understand on a first read! i struggle to get through 800-page classics that require constant consultation of a dictionary or a companion volume and as such i don't tend to read those for fun! and... i also have multiple degrees in literature, because the things i read academically and the things i read purely for pleasure fulfil very different functions in my life, and i do not think equating one with the other is actually of benefit to anyone

because honestly, "literary analysis" and "reading for pleasure" are not wholly separate concepts but they are a venn diagram not a circle and the stuff that's only in the reading for pleasure half is just as valuable and worth doing as the stuff in the middle or, if that's your jam, only in the analysis half (though personally i don't make a habit of doing things i get zero pleasure out of unless i have to). and the overlap is smaller for some people than for others, and some people don't get pleasure from close-reading, and frankly that's fine too?

and if you have very boring repetitive jobs which do not stretch your mind in the least (as i have had in the past) then Challenging Books play a more significant role in not letting your brain atrophy, i get it, i've been there, i've had some incredibly boring jobs and i did find myself seeking out intellectual stimulation from other aspects of my life. but not everybody has those jobs. some people are in fact having to grapple with and analyse vast amounts of information on a daily basis and are just trying to chill in their downtime and that isn't like. some kind of moral failing, omg. yes, even if that means only reading fanfic

so. basically. stop telling other people what to read, stop making assumptions about other people's analytical skills or intelligence based on how they approach their hobby, stop making out analysis as some kind of Moral Duty for anyone who wants to read books. and sure people have bad and misinformed opinions about or readings of books, but i can guarantee you the people who are approaching reading as a personal challenge and an ethical duty are having just as many bad and misinformed opinions about them as those who are just vibing, tbh

[our-hyperace-experience]

i've had nowhere to talk about this, but this is the closest i can find. my experience is pretty much entirely unique so i don't think anybody can relate to it, but i need it off my chest.

hi, im a hypersexual aromantic-asexual. and an abuser.

i fucked up my last partner bad with my hypersexuality. and they exposed me for it. my mental health took a shit ton of hits during that whole time and just. any romantic or sexual attraction i felt went away completely. i've heard of people getting their romantic/sexual attraction taken away due to trauma, but i'm not sure if i'm a valid aroace person because. mine went away because of the trauma i caused other people. not the trauma put onto me.

i was doing really good. really good for a while. I didn't feel anything. no hypersexuality, no attraction. then i started talking to my victim again. we talked because of this whole big shitstorm event, and they admitted they missed us so much. It's been months and i know i've completely changed as a person, but i still did what i did to them. all that gross sex talk with them. the sexting they didn't want. my hypersexuality ruined them and it tears me up inside every goddamn day. yet they said they needed me.

and i can feel my hypersexuality and attractions coming back to them, and only them, and i'm screaming at myself that this is a "no". that i shouldn't do this. but they need me. it's been months. and they said how lonely they were without me. and every time, every time i think something sexual, it's always about them, and i'm disgusted. it can't be anybody else but them and i don't know what to do.

i want to stay ace. i want to stay aro. i want to make sure i never hurt anyone again. im 16. i shouldn't be feeling like this.

Hi, reading this, I honestly feel for you and your victim, here's what I'll say.

It's clear you are remorseful of your actions and regret for what you had do, acknowledging the harm you caused and taking responsibility is a very important step with self-growth and healing.

This also means that all the urges and desires you feel are most likely against your actual beliefs.

although, I don't know the specifics of what happened between the both of you and your victim. I will say, the victim claiming they miss you and that they feel lonely without you could be an effect from the past abuse.

What I would advise is set firm boundaries between you two, like, ex. avoid sexual topics. If you two's interactions might be triggering the sexual urges, I think writing down some possible boundaries that can reduce those might help.

If it's not enough, I'd also consider cutting ties with the victim, I know it's hard to do that considering the victim's feelings, but staying with someone that had deeply ruined them can also be unhealthy for the both of you.

Especially since you have been doing better during the time without them, and seeing how the urges came back when you started talking to them again could cause problems. If you think the urges are too much, don't be afraid to walk away from the relationship, even if it might sting, it's better to sting now than to damage later.

Another quick thing I wanted to add are healthy outlets. Typically, hypersexual desires and urges can be reduced when you have positive distracts, like exercise, hobbies or doing new activities.

Journaling your thoughts and emotions downs also helps out, it can make you process your emotions and understand the patterns of your behavior, this might help with self-navigation.

Overall, thats my advice, I tried avoiding telling you to get professional help, as many people might not have access to that. You are really brave for speaking out, even if its just to a tumblr blog. I'll keep this post untagged for you out of respect, I hope after this everything gets better, anon 🫂🤎

[9w1ft]

Hi, this isn't really a Kaylor ask but as someone who has been following your blog for a long time, I was wondering if you could give me any advice about work-life balance?

Not just work and life, but also a wide variety of things — health, fitness, hobbies, social life, personality improvement, etc.

It feels like whenever I try to focus on one aspect of my life, I end up neglecting the others and so I'm always returning to square and moving very slowly ahead. But I'm also not good at multitasking or routines. Am I the only adult who's not able to get their life together even though it shouldn't be that hard? :(

hey! oh wow last night i was having dinner with a preschool mom friend of mine and we were talking about how hard this is!

i definitely don’t have a complete answer for you because i’m an entire work in progress 😭 and also everyone is gonna be a little different based on personality and life situation, but, here are some things that have worked for me. maybe something resonates for you!

i think one reason why i adopted the tea habit for me—aside from wanting to clean out my cabinets— was because i wanted to have a small victory for myself each morning. with habit building, some people will drink a glass of water first thing in the morning, or do a quick breathing exercise while still in bed… sometimes people do mantras or self affirmations. in essence, it’s something that you can set yourself up to complete with very minimal effort, and that will help you start off your day with a small sense of accomplishment. i’m a simple person… when i feel productive at the start of my day, im more likely to have a productive rest of the day 😆 and i can trick myself to feel productive simply by pressing a button on a tea kettle first thing every morning!!

alright, so, as for balance.. i think it’s important to recognize that work-life balance is less about achieving a perfect balance but more about getting better at knowing when you should prioritize something and then tipping the balance board in that direction with intention, maybe loosening your grip on other things that command your attention, or even streamlining them temporarily to make leaning into the one thing easier.

i’ll give an example i read about somewhere. i think for a lot of people, the holidays can be a stressful time. especially if you’re running a household or doing some amount of activities for other people, prepping and shopping and planning and getting ready for events or parties or gift giving can put a huge weight on resources and you might find yourself neglecting daily household tasks like dishwashing or laundry or self care. even if you arent the head of a home, it’s a stressful time of year and the stress can put a damper on your mood! one strategy i read about that i partially tried this holiday season was to temporarily change parts of your house and life into holiday mode: pack away all but one set of dishes and silverware, pack away or push aside your wardrobe and pick out five outfits that you’ll wear for the next few months, and streamline your daily beauty process (some examples are, cutting your hair short or getting a perm or treatment, putting all your skincare and makeup away and just using an all-in-one cleanser/moisturizer and like, one palette of makeup etc etc). basically the person was saying, it’s good to be mindful of the season that you are in and transform your space into battle mode when you need to. by taking away many of the options and streamlining the decision making process, it helps you focus more on getting through whatever it is you need to get through with. what i did was the dishes thing. i packed away everything but a single set of dishes for the family and went through december and january like that. the benefit is that it lowers the hurdle of dishwashing giving it a cap of about 15 minutes, whereas the stresses of the holidays often lead to reaching for another dish and another and another, just because you have them, in lieu of tending to the sink, and before you know it you have an hours long task. i’ve actually kept a lot of dishes stored away still because of how much easier this is 😆

in terms of work, i’m not sure your age or occupation but in case you’re in a 9-to-5 type situation i think it’s important to remember that most people are simply not paying attention to you. everyone is first and foremost focused on themselves. it’s a simple thing but i think it’s hard to remember. especially if you are a hard worker that naturally wants to do the best job that you can. it’s okay not to get it perfect. in fact, the most successful people, i think, are great at giving 80 or 70% consistently and quickly, in contrast to someone who gives 110% but sometimes burns out or often takes forever to make a decision.

there’s a japanese phrase called “saba yomi” which literally means “read the mackerel” and nowadays it is used to describe the act of estimating numbers in one’s favor (for example saying you are 25 when you’re actually 28). but it originally comes from the work of commercial fishers that pull in huge nets of mackerel, and how they report their numbers. in the olden days, refrigeration technology was not where it is today, and when there are hundreds or thousand of fish in a haul, you simply couldn’t take the time to count every fish in the net, take out the similar looking fish, etc, to get an accurate count, because the longer you take, the worse the taste of the fish would get. in other words, oftentimes, accuracy sacrifices quality.

when you can put down the armor and realize that not many people are paying attention to you granularly, i think it’s easier to let go of a need to get every detail of work perfect. and ironically in some ways, this can make you better at your job.

i think a common thread to everything i wrote is the idea of checking in with yourself and talking with yourself about what situation you’re in and how you’re going to approach it. this week work is gonna be busy so i’m just gonna wear these clothes and just do this hairstyle and power through, and this way i won’t have to have a huge pile of laundry and a messy bathroom to get through at the end of it. or, today im feeling like i’ve got a cold coming on so im just going to give 80% effort today and give myself a quiet moment later on in the day to relax. or, im not going to get everything right for awhile but ill do something simple each morning that i know i can do, and congratulate myself for it right away.

i hope there was something in here that helps… at any rate, be kind to yourself!! every day is a miracle in its own way.

[roleplay-abiogenesis2]

Blog Update / Muse Retirement

//Hate that it's got to this point. Going to be a bit of a downer here so, read at your own discretion.

There is little to say really. Like many people here, I use RP as a form of escapism to my own stress and life. It makes me genuinely happy to get into character and forget about problems for a while.

These past weeks I have been in dire need of RP more than I had in a very long time. An awful timing really, to hit a slump in interactions.

I did my homework, I tried to network. I reached out. A few became welcome and beautiful mutuals, but many, many many others unfortunately did not. At my age, I tell myself I can handle rejection well, but that is only true to a certain degree. Even if I don't let these feelings impact my routine and real life, they are there nonetheless. And I don't want them to be.

After doing research on how to help with the situation, I have reached the conclusion that I have been in denial just how much my choice to make a multimuse blog has come back to bite me in the ass. Things like anonymous RP confessions say it like it is: multimuse blogs are stigmatized and often passed on without a chance given.

We are considered to be unorganized, lack commitment, and not provide the muses we put in our roster we asked. Personally, I thought multimuse was an excellent idea. I thought that making single blogs muses for such niche fandoms would lead to no activity, since my pool of potential partners would be smaller. I thought a multimuse would equal to fish with a net rather than a rod.

I was wrong, haha.

I can be super organized and tag every post with its fandom; I can provide all the tools for my followers to blacklist fandoms they are not interested in; I can commit to respond to any muse in my roster one may ask for. All this hard work won't amount to anything to those who just look at a number and decide I do none of those things without actually giving me a chance to prove them wrong.

So what is it that I can do? Create single muse blogs. The idea of having to log out and log in from tumblr for each individual muse to check notifications, reblog memes and post replies seems like even more work than what I already am doing, but if it is what gets mutuals, then so be it.

I feel like I have lost a fight here, but RP is a hobby, my favorite hobby, and it shouldn't be making me miserable.

So what is the TLDR? Do not panic. This blog isn't going anywhere anytime soon. But I will be slowly retiring muses that haven't gotten any engagement in months. Those I care to keep will get their own blog, and when those are set up and running, I will update you and provide links for anyone interested.

We are talking about an endeavor that will take months, so do not throw me away as a mutual just yet. This blog will stay up and running until everything else is set up properly. I have over 1500 posts to scan through and decide whether to transfer or not (I hate to leave my own writing behind, I like to go back and reread these threads for my own enjoyment).

In the meantime, I hope to still RP with everyone here. If you want to make sure I update you regarding a specific muse getting their own blog, DM me and I'll write a memo to do so. Just know that it is a long term project.

Thanks to all of my new mutuals and the old ones who have stuck around. You guys are keeping me sane everyday and trust me, this is less of an overstatement than it sounds.

Saru-mun\\

[dokitm-arch]

moving blogs.

hey, guys! i know i haven't been here for a while, but after some careful consideration and talks with few of my friends, i decided to move this blog and make it extremely private + friends only. i'll be brutally honest - i've grown extremely burnt out and unmotivated just by logging on both my blogs and i think it's because of how many people i follow which then only overwhelms me, plus the constant anxiety of whether i'm good enough or not or how "inactive" i am. i'm not trying to say it's anyone's fault, that's absolutely not what i'm getting at here - just that i came at that point in my life where i want to keep it lowkey and write with those i've come to be very close with. i've said this on my rules and i'll say it again - roleplaying is meant to be a hobby which we can come to when real life stuff isn't preoccupying us. it's meant to be fun, not a forced habit. be it on tumblr, discord, twitter or any other platform, we shouldn't need to feel the pressure to keep up the tempo or worry whether those who follow us will be angry for "taking so long". i don't wanna think about the "big numbers" or whether my blog looks pretty to someone or not anymore (not trying to bash on anyone making amazing graphics, just that it tends to gravitate to that over connecting with people and making memorable stuff with each other). of course, i feel really bad for never replying to those who wrote me starters or even sent me asks - i cannot stress it enough how sorry i am for never writing them at all - but i realized that i need to priorities myself, first and foremost, and keep it at minimum. i'm turning 25 next month - i'm not a teenager anymore. i, like everyone else, have responsibilities i need to prioritize, which is another reason why i'm doing this. honestly, if i don't do this, i might just quit writing altogether and i don't wanna do that, not by a long shot. i still adore writing my silly little muses and don't want to lose that spark which is still inside me. that being said, i'm going to close this blog and will only follow my friends on a new one, which has already been made in advance. the same will go for my fandomless oc blog, if you'd like, i can give you my discord privately, too. i don't know when will i open that blog to new folks, possibly in the future when my groove is back on again, but until then, i just wanna say thank you so, so much for sticking around, am once again extremely sorry to those who sent me asks or wrote me starters which i never replied to and please, do remember to just have fun, let loose when it comes to roleplaying and look after yourselves and your happiness. sincerely, pluto.

[slashercult]

Hello. Thank you for the new year prediction game!

Something good that happened to me this year was that i processed some feelings i was holding onto. It was a tough but liberating moment. I learned the importance of reading psychological books as they help me go through life alot more smoothly.

A mini prediction for you next year is that a big or a good opportunity will come your way (be it career wise or take it as it resonates) , it will make you stressful ( i felt stress a bit while channeling ) but that feeling will pass and you'll feel great later on that you took this opportunity.

A youtube video that brings me comfort is "some rough advice for the real world" by vlogbrothers. I'm a teen ( soon to be an adult ) and that video comforts me alot. You can watch it anytime you want. But ig if you're adult and have already gone through stuffs and epiphanies then this might be a bit boring for you. So i have one more video suggestions for you and that is– "a girl proposes to a nurse on anesthesia" it's an adorable video.

The question i wanna ask is 🕯️- what should i focus on the next year?

I hope november is going nice for you. Take care

hello!! thank you for participating in this game! i hope the mini prediction that you had for me that more opportunities will come through. as for the video you sent, im not an adult yet as well, i use this blog to mainly give free readings and occasionally exchange readings to get more practice. tarot is a hobby for me and it makes me really happy to see the different ways that it has helped people. but im getting off track here - the video that you sent was really helpful, im at a weird time in my life where i am confused as to what i want for myself in the future so it really resonated, thank you! this is getting a bit too long so let's move on to your reading then shall we?

your energy as of right now: temperance, the fool, the devil (r) what should you focus on in 2024: three of cups, the star (r), nine of pentacles (r) oracle cards: the elk and the ash (strength)

i type and then pull out more cards when i usually do readings, so i don't know what will come next after im done typing something. it's almost like its my train of thought in a way, anyways i hope you enjoy. for your current energies, i got only major arcana cards, all of which carry really good news, so im seeing that you are at a really stable place right now. the image coming into mind is a very serene and calm scene at the beach right after a storm. the crabs and little creatures are ready to come out and explore all that the beach has to offer. the first card that you got was temperance, which shows me that you already have a vision of what it is you want to achieve from the new year. it's also showing that you have recently found peace within yourself and are putting your skills to good use. the fool is also saying that you are ready to embrace new changes in your life. you are at a point in your journey where you are ready to try new things and be more authentic to yourself. you're excited for the new opportunities that the new year has to offer. the devil reversed just confirms this even further, by showing that you are reclaiming your power. you are not going to back down again and let everything be swept away by the waves before you have the chance to be near it. the new year is the perfect opportunity to spend more time with family, friends, anyone that you really love and cherish. the cards are also telling me that you shouldn't feel afraid to turn to others for support when you need it, because im seeing that there are a lot of people who want you to succeed in the new year. there may be times in the new year where you feel as though everything is turned against you, but the cards assure that if you are able to keep being hopeful and surrounding ourselves with positive energy you will be able to effectively deal with this lack of motivation/creativity. 2024 is the time for you to take a few steps back from everything and relax and regain your strength. the oracles are guiding you to remember your strengths, because much like the elk and the ash, you are strong and are able to withstand the days when the weather is tough and harsh. that's all for your reading, please don't forget to leave feedback, i hope you enjoyed and have a wonderful new year!

[thelasttime]

hi madie! long time follower, first time asker here. bit of a heavy question for a tuesday night, so I apologize in advance.

how are you able to keep up with so much and also be good at it and also enjoy it? like what drives your incredible work ethic? of course this is the internet and ik we only see your highlight reel and not the behind the scenes stuff, to paraphrase taylor. I'm just having a bit of a rough day academically, as in being totally unproductive all day despite setting intentions this morning to be productive and get a lot of homework done today, which feels very frustrating.

I know you're studying to become a doctor which obvi takes a lot of dedication and hard work which are things I've been trying to improve recently but simply do not come easily to me.

so ig I'm just wondering if you had any advice for being a more dedicated and committed person when it comes to things like school as well as hobbies (congrats on nailing your audition btw!). I really admire your work ethic and wish you all the best in your studies and life and everything! 💓

hello anon!! thank you for being a long time follower and thank you for sending your very first ask 💕💕 welcome to my inbox hehe

thank you so much for the kind words - it's true that my blog is quite like a highlight reel so you do see a lot of the good parts and very few of the bad parts, but i do try to keep it real on this blog. the main thing is that you can't beat yourself up when you have an unproductive day because it sort of snowballs into a bigger thing if you let it weigh you down. rather than taking this unproductive day as something to be ashamed of, take it as something where you needed the break so you took it!! and then tomorrow, be as productive as possible because you had the break yesterday

it's actually encouraged to be unproductive on some days. when i was studying for the MCAT, we were specifically told to take break days and to make sure that we didn't over-extend ourselves because we would just burn out too quickly. so what i would do is study everyday of the week and give myself a nice break on sunday to do absolutely nothing !! and that was necessary !!

i think what also helps with my motivation is that i really like to keep myself organized which means i am religiously devoted to my google calendar and my to-do list. the google calendar is to make sure that i'm not losing track of the things i need to do but the to-do list is the thing that really keeps me going. it's very satisfying to cross things off of my to-do list and it makes sure that i'm doing everything i need to do before the day is done. if i don't finish what's on the to-do list, i just move it to tomorrow and so on. you don't have to finish everything on the to-do list but it keeps you motivated to cross things off and make sure you're doing what you need to do.

when i was studying for the MCAT, i essentially designed a calendar where i would do certain topics on certain days so i would do chemistry / psychology on one day and then biology / biochemistry on the other day. that way i wasn't boring myself to death with one topic and actually keeping things interesting. if you find that studying is really boring (because it truthfully is, for everyone) i find that starting the homework that you hate the most is helpful because you get the worst part over when you have the maximum amount of energy.

another thing about school studying is that you shouldn't just look at the paper and nod thoughtfully - you should be doing ~active studying~ which is what they encourage us to do during MCAT studying as well. you essentially have to engage with the material in order to learn it well so you can't just stare at the page and pretend you know it !! there's a couple techniques of active studying that you can find online but i recommend anything between flashcards to active recall

for hobbies - it's all just my own enjoyment!! i know i get really lazy and in a pit if i'm not doing my hobbies so i have to actively push myself to join orchestras and do stuff outside of work. one thing that really helped me is to focus on a hobby and see what i could do in the area to get involved. so . i really like playing in orchestras so i spent a day focusing on the different orchestras in the area and then sending them emails about their auditions. that way all of my research and dedication to that hobby is done in one day and i get to reap the rewards later (i.e. they email me back about auditions).

it's also okay to let go of hobbies and find new ones. if you don't like your current hobbies, try new ones! ask your friends if they have any hobbies that you haven't tried already. try a new instrument! try painting! art! there's a lot to do and hobbies are meant to be fulfilling rather than draining.

i hope this helps anon!!

[expressionbean]

an anonymous ask that got eaten when i posted a few minutes ago but was in my google docs as a backup (thank god):

"Please please forgive me if this is too forward, but your Carrd mentions that you have DID. I have OSDD myself, and I used to love roleplaying but ever since getting the diagnosis I feel like I have to choose one or the other because a lot of people think that CDDs are "roleplay" in and of themselves. Do you have any advice on how to get over that? Has the Tumblr roleplay scene been accepting? Do you often get fakeclaimed?

Thank you so so much for being here! I love your blogs and your writing. 💛"

hi anon! this is super super late, but i wanted to be thorough and i wanted to think carefully about what i say. i hope you're still around to see this and also, welcome to the RPC!

often, people do tend to think a lot of people with CDDs are "roleplaying". really, we're not, but that isn't what you came to ask.

and the stigma sucks, like it REALLY sucks. people with CDDs really aren't allowed to enjoy anything without a bunch of guys on reddit accusing us of literally whatever they can reach for. (usually faking or violence, but i digress)

i'm really still getting over a similar issue myself. it's so so so difficult to openly even enjoy a piece of media (including with other fans of a media), much less create anything and post it. i was formerly almost exclusively a discord and amino PM roleplayer - it's a small bit easier if i am not as open about what i'm doing.

i don't know how recent your diagnosis is (and it's none of my business), but i received mine years ago (2019 if i recall correctly) and it took until this summer for me to dip my toes into the water with the tumblr RPC. i can't remember exactly what compelled me to, but i ended up stumbling across my now-friend kira's blog. he seemed very friendly, so i sent an ask to go over what the heck i needed to do to get acclimated to the community.

i didn't really expect as kind of an answer as i got. i expected maybe some polite, generic thing but it was more than that. it was welcoming.

i was still scared though - i had a lot of things that were making me intimidated. i didn't have pretty formatting or stunning icons or banners or any of that stuff. i just had my writing, my amnesia, and my visual impairment.

and boy, did i not want my friends who know about my DID to know a damn thing about me having interests in media and, even more terrifying, my acquaintences in the RPC to know i have DID. i felt like i had to keep those two things almost totally separate, even though they're both pretty significant.

roleplay is an important creative outlet for me, but DID affects almost every facet of my life (as trauma disorders tend to do). it simply isn't sustainable to keep dividing myself up and hiding parts of myself from one group or the other out of fear of being judged.

i'm still working through that, in all honesty. my whole point in rambling is to show i relate hardcore to this ask, and i'm standing with you in solidarity.

anyway, i eventually (recently) decided enough is enough with being scared of a loud, shitty minority. it's not fair to let people who hate me just for existing dictate what i do for fun. identity politics and cringe culture should die.

i wouldn't tell people they're to be excluded from roleplay for being autistic or bipolar.

just the same, i don't really think it's a normal thing (even on reddit hate groups) for people to say i can't enjoy cooking because i have DID, or that i can't be a musician because i have DID.

roleplay is a hobby just the same as cooking or music, and DID is a mental illness just the same as bipolar. why shouldn't people be allowed to partake in their interests? just because strangers on the internet say not to for whatever ridiculous reason they've come up with on this fine saturday?

ultimately, they should! they should be able to appreciate and express all facets of themselves as freely or as privately as they want to.

obviously, i don't advise blasting your entire identity, location, etc. on tungle dot hellsite or anything unsafe like that, but you get my point.

your diagnosis is just words on paper - nothing's changed fundamentally except having a name for what's been going on. if you need permission, though, here it is: you are allowed to pursue things that bring you joy. you can make a blog and start roleplaying here. it's okay to do that. you are just the same as every other person here and just as worthy of writing with them.

as for more advice, here's some:

• the block button is to be used freely. liberally. you're the curator of your online space - it's fine to make it safe for yourself.

• the tumblr RPC, at least from what i myself have experienced from june 2022 until now, won't bite you. obviously, YMMV, but many people here are very kind and accepting. (staring lovingly at my "amestris no more" pals and all my other mutuals)

• i have not been fakeclaimed by the tumblr RPC from what i can remember. and personally, if it happens, i'd go to my favorite piece of advice: fuck 'em. no one behind a screen is going to know you better than you do! if someone's putting forth time and effort to hurt others, are their words really worth taking to heart?

• remember that it's your hobby, your writing, your space. you deserve that. do what you need to in order to make peace with those facts in yourself.

• remember that a hobby cannot invalidate you or take away what you've been through. hobbies are for your enjoyment.

• you can block triggering topics from appearing! i advise it.

• remember that there are people who will love you just for being yourself! i am one of them! i have so so so much love to hand out to people - please, come and write with me if things are compatible. i would love to see what you have. i'm sure my friends would too. you deserve a space here if you want one.

[marcysiasstuff]

01.01.23 (evening)

I overcame myself and created a blog. Ever since I was little, I've always wanted to be able to share with with my other thoughts and photos. Unfortunately, my little hobby left. Illness often wins over me and every activity is for me for me, like climbing Mount Everest, where simple activities are the peak for me such as sleeping, washing up and eating. I decided to fight for myself some time ago, I am seeing a psychiatrist and will be starting therapy soon. I'm on meds, but I don't feel any changes at the moment (I've been using them for almost half a year). Sleep returned, but the fears and lack of energy remained. Coming back, I decided to fight for myself and simply do something with myself. I fell into a vicious circle - if I procrastinate, I feel worse, so maybe describing my actions here will be a motivation for me or for someone else.

So, it's 8 p.m. in my country. I didn't do anything productive today but I decided to change it. The shower comes first. For me, The most embarrassing thing about this disease is that you don't have the strength to take care of your personal hygiene. I haven't washed for at least 3 days. I was looking for tips on how to force before writing this to it. I found a cool one about fresh clothes for a bad time. Prepare very loose and comfortable clothes, which we can also calmly put on when going somewhere. At that moment, I noticed that by making a to-do list, you are more likely to get something done. Illness often ignores and subconsciously tells me that such a planned life is not a life. I need to work on that and try to keep lists.

The depressed man done things slow, I shouldn't be nervous about it, do you feel that too? I can't be patient with myself, so I make a list with pomodoro. So today the plan for today (or the rest of the evening) - wash up. The second thing is the bedding, with new bed linen. I'll write back tomorrow and I'll tell you how I did. Good night, everyone, and be nice to each other.

[bisluthq]

When you quit drinking, did you replace that with something else? Like for me, I realized on the weekends if I have something planned, even as late as 3-4 PM, I won't drink that day cuz it's like I know later I need to drive to this thing and go interact with people and be normal. But if I don't have any concrete plans, if it's just like "I need to go to the grocery store at some point today, and then clean my bathroom" then I'm like "why shouldn't I have mimosas at 9 AM?" and then I end up getting completely smashed and can't go to the store later and can't effectively do any chores. I realized that about myself so now I schedule things with friends during the weekends, preferably earlier in the day, so then when I get home I'm like "now it's time to meal prep and clean, and maybe I'll have a glass of wine in a few hours with dinner". Idk I've gotten a lot better at cutting down alcohol, but those wide-open days for me just inevitably lead to me drinking early, even if I've said and committed that I don't want to. It's only when other people are involved in the plans ("I have to meet them here at 1" or whatever, vs "I should go to the store at 11") that I can stop myself drinking. So it's annoying, because I KNOW I can, I just don't have the discipline or willpower to do it if I'm not gonna be directly letting someone down. I don't have anywhere to be til 8 PM tonight lol so even though I was like "it'll be a sober Monday! I'm gonna clean my bathroom and declutter my closer" I still ended up drinking 2 beers and a glass of wine while doing that

ok so this was a lot of how my drinking went dude. Your story is FUCK relatable to me. Except for in the pandemic where I literally wasn’t leaving my house for obvious reasons and then my bed for depression reasons that I do think were interrelated to the drinking (although I’ve been feeling very down the last few days but I’m powering through with no alcohol), I was not a daily drinker and I never got drunk like before important activities or things that I was looking forward to (a few times I did get drunk before social things I was dreading but that’s a separate thing). But if I was just chilling at home, either on weekends as you say or late at night, I would often wind up drinking.

I haven’t replaced it with anything like in terms of substances. I do see myself as California sober not sober sober so I’m open to edibles and shrooms but the thing with me is I’ve never been someone who overindulges in that. It’s something I only do like when I’m with friends who are into that or just with my boyfriend and we want a trippy night. I *have* replaced it with actively getting into other hobbies again and I have a habit tracker where I’ve put in all the things I like to do and if I’m bored I go into the app and look at what I could do today. So personally I’ve got running, yoga, gym class, drawing, Duolingo, reading, this blog, journaling, writing fiction, whatever DIY project I’m busy with in terms of my little furniture stuff, meditation, etc and I track how many minutes and hours a day I spend on all that stuff outside of work which I obviously don’t count in my fun little app. I also try call friends or text with friends if I’m feeling bored like that. And then I’ve been making more complicated food instead of just popping shit in the air fryer or ordering takeout. I have a guitar that I haven’t played in like 10 years that I’m considering starting to play again.

But also it’s just a habit right (well obviously not with people who have physical addictions and there you need to be careful how you come off it) so just… break the habit. Again, I found quit lit really helpful and enjoyed the following books a lot: This Naked Mind, Not Drinking Tonight (it’s a bit heavy in psych babble so not for everyone but was really cool for me), Alcohol Lied To Me, Alcohol Explained, Soberful and maybe ESPECIALLY Sober Curious. There are a couple other really great ones but those stuck out to me. Also reading quit lit just helped me a lot because I was just like constantly drumming it into my head that I don’t need to/want to drink and that it’s the stuff that powers fucking rocket engines right like they use ethanol in rocket fuel lmao idk that I want to put that in my body (but I like Sober Curious in that maybe one day I might idk I don’t know that I want to say “I never ever will” or “I’m powerless over alcohol” because I’m def not lol - the problem is me not alcohol and not me in the sense that I’m like “broken” or whatever). So now I quite genuinely - for right now - don’t want to drink. I’m not holding myself back from it, I’m not counting days until I can again, I am not imposing moderation rules for me, I’m not looking for loopholes and I’m not promising lifelong abstinence. But I just don’t want to right now. We aren’t an alcohol free house - we’ve got fucktons of booze around - and my bf is still having his wine with dinner and beer when he does yard work and actually he even had a screwdriver for breakfast after he joined me for a run this past weekend because that’s what he wanted and I made him run pretty far. I’ve got it available. He is very proud of me and supportive of me not drinking but he also won’t like break up with me if I decide to start up again. I just… don’t want to. It’s better for me. I’m happier without… rocket fuel inside my body lmao because I’m a person and not a rocket ykwim?

This was very rambling but this topic makes me like that. My feeling is if you’re thinking about when you can and can’t drink, your relationship with alcohol isn’t healthy. Again to go back to my edibles thing, which I would have again quite easily, I’ve never in my life had more edibles than I intended to (I’ve had a max of two when my goal was to get fuck stoned and that’s what I did) and I also can’t tell you when I last had one or when I next will (I’ve got a bag of them in my desk but it’s sealed and it doesn’t tempt me). With alcohol I absolutely was counting sober days versus drinking days and how many drinks I had on a drinking day and whether or not a few glasses of wine “even counted” yk? And it was occupying a lot of time and space in my head, even when I wasn’t drinking. So that wasn’t like… healthy. Just removing it has given me a lot of energy and genuine desire to do a lot more hobbies that I like to do.

I also find I do a lot more chores lmao like I’ve always done my chores because I’m not a complete cunt but I often procrastinated with them and I get a lot of the regular ones I do done quicker and more frequently (like cleaning the kitchen), I do a lot more annoying ones more regularly (like taking stuff to the dry cleaners’ which I hated to do because I never drunk drove and like having out and about chores meant I can’t drink and if I did drink then I couldn’t take my stuff in lol so also getting my car washed was one of those too and also like washing my couches which I was doing maybe every two to three months but do every month since I quit drinking and that’s not about driving but it’s about not being able to sit on the couch when I undress it to wash it because obviously I sat on the couch drinking lol) and am more proactive with my DIY projects.

and in terms of what I’ve replaced it in terms of drinks, I’ve been making a lot of mixed drinks (so diet tonic, soda water, with a splash of cranberry juice and a splash of lime has been my favorite but I make other ones too), I drink Corona Zeros if we have people round, I’ve been making a lot more tea and coffee, and I’ve been drinking Diet Red Bull if I want “a buzz” lol. Also just sparkling water. And flavored sparkling water. Idk it’s been really easy once I decided on it and it keeps getting easier tbh not harder - like the first weekend I’d quit, we were sitting waiting for a takeaway and they didn’t have any AF beers on the menu and they advertised lassis but were out of them and I just didn’t order anything and felt a bit annoyed with my bf drinking his beer but that hasn’t happened again and idk I’ve been out and about and I’ve entertained at home and like I say it’s not that I don’t have it in the house or that I can’t say “cool look I did it for over 2 months so now I’m done like clearly I can stop whenever I want and now I want to start again” but I really just… don’t want to start again at this point.

Hope this helped a bit and just so you know your “boozestory” (as Ruby Warrington of Sober Curious calls it) is completely normal.

[guzsdaily]

Having Multiple Dreams

Daily Blogs 363 - Nov 2nd, 12.024

Something I started to take notice and remember to myself lately, is that I won't have a programming career forever.

Tunnels

Back in the old days, picking your job was a really life-changing decision, since most of the time, the career you started as would end up being the career you end as.

Professional journeys were like tunnels, you pick one and can't go to another without going back or breaking walls and causing chaos and instability in your life.

I grew up being taught this. Any decision that I made for my career and life was final and that I should damn well be sure about it, since I would waste more than 40 years on it.

However, things have changed.

Node Graph

Something I started to realize, is that, more and more, careers work more as notes on a graph. When you choose a career, you are just choosing on what node to jump on for the next 5 to 10 years, after that you will choose another note and path after it, or maybe walk one node back.

Yes, this reality doesn't apply for everyone, every country, every career, but it feels like it's applying more and more to more and more industries, and becoming less and less of a privilege I would say.

Careers like software engineering don't really need more than 10 years of dedication to stabilize and give you enough of a base to continue your life and take some risks. Also, the average on a company is just 3–5 years as far as I know, since companies in tech, a lot of the times, don't value the human aspect and tribal knowledge inside a company and software. Taking the decision to walk through nodes in the software engineering route, can still make you be able to work as things such as content creation, design, security, data research, etc. Since they connect in this graph in some way or another.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't focus on a career and dedicate to it. I'm saying that your current career doesn't define your life.

One big example nowadays is just the sheer amount of content creators that are "resigning" to take other career paths. Just today I saw a video of one of my favorite creators (LubaTV), is starting to step back from videos to focus on studying psychology and becoming a therapist.

10 years is already enough time to dedicate to something most of the time.

Dream Graph

I have a lot of hobbies and things that I want to focus on in my lifetime. Things such as game development, drawing, music creation, content creation, etc. etc.

Software engineering is a passion of mine, and probably will still be part of my life forever, but not the focus forever. I have a lot of ideas to put under the Capytal umbrella also, besides just software and art.

And I don't know when I will stop focusing on software, probably not any time soon, but maybe in 10 years. Just time will tell, but until then, I will try to have multiple dreams inside my mind for when I have the opportunity to jump on a different node.

This post was a lot inspired by this wonderful article: How to Pick a Career (That Actually Fits You) - by Wait But Why.

I highly recommend giving it a read, since it goes into a lot more concepts than just the ones I mentioned, and has a fantastic workflow/self-reflection exercise for picking things you actually like and should focus your time on.

Today's artists & creative things Music: Split Idol - by GHOST

© 2024 Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello. Licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0

[chogiwow]

dude so i saw ur reply last night but i was in desperate need of sleep but also didn't sleep bc i was just engrossed in a book IVDSNS BUT this morning i opened up my inbox and couldnt find ur reply and was so confused and as i continued to be unable to find it in my inbox i got sadder and then i realised im stupid bc the reply wouldn't be in my inbox 🧍‍♂️anyways semi-long reply sorry hehe (semi-long bc ive defs sent longer ones)

ahh i see i see @ substack. reminds me of medium, which i've come across before... i did debate exploring medium as another writing platform, but never got around to it vsjnvks so its nice that u bring substack to my attention bc now i can compare 🤩 well. maybe not now now but yknow. whenever i decide to/can get around to it NVJDKNSK

100% agree w and have had the same thoughts as you about fics/continuing to write/the pub industry (which i really should give much more thought to, given that one of my degrees is in writing🧍‍♂️) and yeah no it DOES serve as a good incentive to build a portfolio (if anyone asked me for a portfolio, i would simply hand over my uni work bc i have nothing else rn LMAO) but tbh i think even if it is a hobby, it's a good way to kinda explore and set your ??? idk like foundations or whatever so you get an idea of what you wanna write about and if you actually wanna take it seriously (which isn't to say you aren't - we can 100% take hobbies seriously - just that different contexts/intents would call for different. things. wow i love words.)

and also related but unrelated, i think its fun/nice to. uh. idk how to say it but for us (as in literally you and me, but also other mutuals and people in fandom who made friends in the context of fandom) to see eachother write or talk about things outside of the uniting factor or common denominator or whatever? though yeah that does kinda potentially extend the relationship beyond what some people are comfy w. i'm kinda just rambling rn sorry AHHA

OH BUT BUT sorry back to the publishing/career thing. Even if you don't use the substack writings for like. writing/publishing careers, it can still help with other career things? like, you run a blog and hav experience writing about diverse topics, communicating ideas etcetc. so no losses 🤩

do not feel guilty about the chan fic 🙂‍↔️ yes i love/d it and i think about it and yes i would love to read more BUT im so happy to have just been eble to experience it at all. i hope you've never felt pressured by my responses to it KNVDSKJNVDSK sincerest of apologies if you have.

tbh i havent been up to much, i don't think. shits kinda hit the fan tbh but i'm hoping (always hoping) the only other place for the shit to go is down, now. (ie. i hope this is the part where things start getting easier etc). it is what it is, even if it shouldn't be, and we'll somehow get through it because. well, we have so far, right? BUT ANYWAYS

"anything you wanna yap about-" BOY do i have things to yap about. that book^^ i was so engrossed in? jesus CHRIST i sent my friend 10mins worth of voicemsgs JNCDKSNDSK (it may have been 10mins because i simply i can't articulate properly and kept repeating myself and going off on tangents.. but it probably would have been 10mins anyways if i'd planned and scripted it all before hand anyways. it was only 10mins because i got tired and realised i should probably see how much ive spammed 💀) ("kat... 10 whole minutes? 😭" babes thats not even the worst of it-)

i also like to 'yap' about the stuff i learn in class (my other degree/major is in media and cultural studies) and i just 🤩 have so much to say about some things that i find so so interesting but me talking as much as i do/want to is also just. i find it interesting and really wanna share and talk about it KJNVDSKJVNSK so like yeah, to bring this full circle, is why i've vaguely thought about using medium/substack,,, tbh i thought about just making a sideblog here AHAHA but i cant take myself on tumblr seriously LOL + 'fresh' start on new platform sounds neat mhm mhm but also hehehe (evil) maybe instead of spamming my friend about stuff, i can just write blog posts and she can read it whenever hMMMM thinking thinking,,,

anyways 🧍‍♂️sorry, i was expectin this to be long but it ended up longer than i thought it would HAHA wait no im rereading my ask/reply rn and substack just sounds great bc i can do informal reviews about things i've watched/read aswell AHHHH and yeah like just ??? more personal though explorations/'journaling' kinda vibes as well? HMMM AND and even mini writing pieces--- i literally do not have the time to be considering this rn but here i am wHOOPS okay i'll stop now before this gets even longer 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️

hi katttt, i'm so sorry for the late reply :'D apparently i'm in the phase of my life where i can only type out articulated replies on my laptop and not my phone, also week's been sooo hectic i hate being a corporate slave fml <3

lmfao not you tryna find my reply in your inbox sdjskd all's good tho hehe :3ooh medium is ... something, i couldn't really figure it out all that well and also the few times i've tried to read on medium, it's asked me to subsribe or sign up to continue to read? and i just don't ... vibe with that lol

yes yes, tryna write about real life stuff really makes me pause once in a while and just think (?) it through bc writing fiction is gen easier than trying to string together the raw ideas relating irl issues/stuff (for me at least). like it really makes me stop midway and rethink my choice of phrasing stuff or even putting forward an opinion thinking about how its gonna make people percieve me? well, not that its not sumn that doesn't apply to fiction as well bc i kinda think that the way one writes always just brings about some sort of perception of their character and personal views through their words, no matter how subtle ... am i making sense? but fictional writing just lets you cloak it into a 'what-if' situation where any judgement of your story/character(s) is not a direct discernment of your personal opinions whereas talking about irl stuff always comes with that concious load of having your opinions/thoughts being obligated to a verdict (positive/negative/both).

so anywayyy sjhdj, yes it's fun to just write and pursue as a hobby bc its fun communiatingideas and realise that it might not be all that irrelevant as you thought haha :>

and noooo, i absolutely love love LOVE reading yout tags on my fics, like i legit go back to my old writings and read the rb tags and it always makes me so happy :( i do want to continue writing fiction bc its always been a comfort to me to be able to weave stories my way, but i suppose everything has its own time to unfold and settle ... sometimes inspiration hits so bad but the will to write it out is just not there :/ but anyway ! i'm glad that you've enjoyed my writing so far <3

yeah, things don't don't need to work out all the time. i'm realising this the hard way, through adulting. really makes me wanna go back and give my younger self a good whooping on the ass to have ever wanted to grow up fast so desperately. but yeah, hope your shit works out man (✿◡‿◡)

lmaoooo no bc ! its so fun to just simply yap about stuff , that's like writing but ... verbally ,,, you could litch rally make a yap blog and i'd read it alllllll :3 also what book is this, drop the nameeeee :'D no but like i get you not being able to take tumblr seriously bc i was like ! i can't talk about this shit on tumblr ! tumblr's supposed to be for my clownery ! all the grownup stuff needs a different platform altogether sjsdksjd but if you ever consider making a blog, i think i'll read it fo the vibes itself. and the words ofc and opinions and stuff. like that's important too gaaaahhhhh what i'm saying is ,, i think you'd make a really amusing and entertaining blog - in a good way !!

anyway ! i think i needed a medium to unscramble the crap in my brain so the blog served well (even though it was an impulsive decision lol) but yeah ! go for it, you won't regret it. nobody really gaf's in the beginning, like readership is low babes, unless you have friends who will actively read your shit but that's a big comfort to me lololol. not sicouraging you in anyway, but its a point to consider if you're looking for a chill sesh with your own writing haha <3

[pinkpetalink]

Lost in Memories: A Cycle of Uncertainty"

Alright, I'm done writing poetic blog posts in English. I thought it would help me 'release' all my feelings, and it kinda did, made me feel calm, but the longing just doesn't go away. It’s even more exhausting because I can't stop thinking about you. I mean, I have so much work and other important stuff in my life that I should be focusing on. You don't even think about me, so why should I think about you? You even show up in my dreams. Like, I dreamt about being El's girlfriend, and you still made a cameo in my dream. If thoughts of you could make money, I'd probably be rich enough to retire.

I'm just tired of this uncertainty and confusion. I need to move on with my life. Chase the dreams I told you about. Improve myself and go on a diet because I'm overweight now. Pick up more hobbies and keep myself busy so I won't think about you anymore. So there's no time to feel sad or miss you.

Honestly, it's not fair. I'm thinking about you, but you're not thinking about me at all. I keep dreaming about you, but you never dream about me. I feel something in my heart, but your heart isn't for me anymore. So why do we keep crossing paths? Sure, most of the time, I'm the one who starts the chat, but the book you gave me really showed up at the right moment but not at the right time. Just when I was doing fine forgetting you, it brought back not just memories but feelings too. Now, how do I forget and move on from you?

Seriously, if we're not meant to be, stop showing up or coming into my life. If you come back again at the right moment, I might start getting ideas. Especially since I'm the kind of person who sees patterns in everything. At first, I might ignore it, but if it keeps happening, I'll start fantasizing. I start wondering if we’re meant to be, but in reality, it's all just delusional connections I'm making up. Looking at our situation and your feelings, they don’t align with my fantasies at all.

Honestly, I'm so confused and frustrated, so that I prayed istikharah. Not just prayed, but I also asked for guidance through the Qur'an, and what came out was Surah Al-Isra verse 32, which talks about not approaching adultery. But if I go by the number of 'khair' signs, it seems positive. Does that mean I shouldn't date and just go straight to ta'aruf? LOL, I'm kidding. But seriously, if you're not meant for me or not my destiny, please stop showing up. It was hard for me to leave and forget you before. Now I'm reminded and longing for you again. So now I have to struggle to forget you all over again.