#it’s so fuckin cannon already

[ragingbookdragon]

It comes as somewhat a surprise when the others realize that something has obviously happened between their resident Lieutenant and Private, as she’s quick to fall silent whenever he appears, and even more so make herself scare when she can when he’s around. It’s only the third time that Soap sees it that he says something, because if he doesn’t no one else will, and where’s the fun in that?

He watches her duck her head and leave the break room, Gaz, Soap, Price, and Ghost sitting alone at the breakfast table conversing over soggy cereal and cooling tea; Soap pushes a piece of bacon on his plate and asks, “Trouble in paradise, Lt?” the corner of his mouth arches with a slight grin when he hears the warning grunt come from Ghost.

“No.”

“Seems like it,” he retorts, taking a sip of his coffee. “What’d ya do? Tell her ta fuck off?”

“Drop it, MacTavish,” Ghost warns darkly. “Nothing’s wrong.”

This time, Gaz jumps in. “C’mon, Lt., it’s obvious that something’s wrong. I mean, she won’t even look at you, let alone say anything unless you speak first.”

“An’ she’s callin’ ‘im ‘sir.’” Soap adds, pointing at him. “Christ, Lt., ya musta done a number on ‘er. Poor Puffin. So sweet and kind. Broke ‘er heart ya did.”

Price can tell that Ghost is close to snapping at the both of them but gets to it before he does. “Soap, Gaz, go catalogue our inventory for the mission next week.”

“Aw, but we already d—” Soap falls silent when Price shoots him a look and quietly grumbles to himself as he grabs his plate and cup, Gaz following in suit.

It’s only until the two soldiers are alone that Price asks, “What did happen, Simon?”

Ghost lets out a long sigh and rolls his head back, staring at the ceiling. “Pretty much told ‘er to fuck off.”

Price watches quietly as Ghost begins rattling to himself—he’s never really had to ask the man to explain himself. All he’s gotta do is prompt him to do so and Ghost does the rest.

“I just got mad. She’s always ‘round and practically up my arse, and I got caught up and instead of ‘andlin’ it properly, I shoved my fucking foot in my mouth and scalped her.” He rubs a hand over his face. “I meant to be gentler but once I started, I couldn’t stop. It just kept comin’ out. And now she fuckin’ hates me.”

He pulls his hand down and looks up at Price with a scowl—the man is smiling at him, but it’s that stupid smile that means more than Ghost wants to admit it does.

“Quit that.”

“You care about her,” Price murmurs, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, though his admonish is still harsh. “And instead of telling her how you felt like a grown adult, you took the ten-year-old way out and decided to be a cunt to her.”

“I didn’t mean to be such a cunt.”

“But the fact of the matter is that you did, and you’ve screwed up team fluidity and cohesion.” He looks at him. “You know a team divided—”

“Can’t stand,” Ghost finishes with an even worse scowl. “Yeah, yeah, I know.” He looks away. “I just don’t know how to even start tryin’ to fix it.”

“Well, apologizing might be a good start,” Price rumbles with a grin. “She’s a good kid, Simon. Her heart’s in the right place, even if it’s a bit much at times. Shows she cares. More than most do in our line of work. She’s a rare one.”

“I know,” he admits in a much, much softer tone. “I just don’t want her to lose that doin’ this.” His eyes meet Price’s, and they hold such a misery. “Look at us, Price,” he mutters, gesturing between them. “Middle age, unmarried, no kids, too fucked up for anything like that. She doesn’t…” he clenches his jaw. “She deserves a better path, a safer path, than this life. She deserves to go out and have a life where she comes home to a family.”

“That’s not your choice to make, son,” he replies gently, but there’s a firmness to it. “If this is what she wants to do, then she will. We can’t make her get out of service.”

Ghost growls low in his throat. “She has so much more potential than being cannon fodder. She could do somethin’ with her life. Somethin’ good. Somethin’ that won’t have her dying face down in the sand with a bullet wound in the back.”

Price simply watches him.

“But she’s so fuckin’ stupid. She wants to be here. She wants to spend whatever time she has dodgin’ bullets and wakin’ up every night in sweat ‘cause she can’t escape the dreams. No one wants to do this. We don’t want to do this. We do this because we have to. But her? She’s happy here.” He lowers his voice, it’s as if he’s in disbelief. “She’s happy here.” He looks at Price. “Why? Why is she so happy here?”

It's another long moment before Price speaks.

“You hear, son, but you don’t listen.” He moves the cup on the saucer. “She bounced around homes growing up, scraped by on the skin of her teeth. She has no one. But here, she has something. She has people who care for her, if nothing else, they won’t let her die alone.”

“Oh what? So, it’s found family bullshit?” Ghost spits. “If she dies, at least the team would mourn her?”

“Isn’t that what you’ve done too?” he replies, and Ghost falls silent. “People like Gaz, Soap, and myself are different than you and she are, Simon. We have homes. We’ve had families that have loved us, that do love us. But you two? Simon, you’ve made a home where you’ve had to. Made a family out of people you’ve bled for, would gladly bleed for. You’ve made something that’s yours. You made a family for yourself. And so did she. She’s made us her family. The one she never had the privilege to call her own.”

Price lets out a quiet hum, and pats his thighs, standing up and pushing his chair in.

“Think on what I’ve said, son. And if nothing else, apologize and leave it at that. Put the ball in her court and let her make the next move.”

As he walks off, he hears, “And if she doesn’t want it?”

He tosses a knowing look over his shoulder. “I’m sure she’ll take it.” His eyes twinkle as he adds, “Takes an awful strong woman to care about a man like you.”

[cybertron-smash-or-pass]

You are so unbelievably correct about Animated Megashock. They are completely incapable of being normal about each other and it's the best thing ever.

Me every time one of my cool mutuals tells me I have good opinions

Real talk tho, TFA megashock lives in my head rent free. Megatron as a character is so fucking fascinating to me just because it's so hard to read his actual motives, but the clear, constant throughline you can always pick up is a DEEP distrust of everything and everyone around him. Even in the first episode, before Starscream tries to outright kill him, he tells him straight up that he doesn't want him going after the Allspark. He makes a grab for it alone because he just straight up doesn't trust anyone else with that much power. And then Starscream's bomb happens, Megs wakes up as a severed head with half his bits rearranged wrong, and he's on full alert all the fucking time after. He doesn't trust Sumdac, he doesn't trust anyone on Earth, he doesn't even trust his own Decepticons. He thinks LUGNUT of all bots might be out to get him, if only for a moment.

And the thing that's got me pacing around my fuckin room and scratching up the walls, other than pretty much every interaction megs has with shockwave through the whole series, is this one little detail in the Allspark almanac.

God. It's got me fucked UP.

Does Shockwave realize he's the only thing keeping Megatron from a mental breakdown? Does Megatron??? How close are they on a personal level, exactly? Because you don't just get mr. "I'm surrounded by enemies" to admit that on no uncertain terms in front of Primus and everyone unless he MEANS it, and he's PROUD of it.

That is the one bot he can depend on for certain. Shockwave is his stability, his rock, as reliable as the cannon on his arm (god the juiciness of their weapons being so similar too. Fuck. Just marry each other already). He is the trusty weapon he knows he can conquer with. And that's the closest thing to love Megatron would ever let himself feel.

I like to think Shockwave knows hes a weapon in the eyes of his leader and he wouldn't have it any other way. And a lot of that probably comes from how warframes were treated by the autobots before the whole Decepticon movement kicked up. They were assembled with the intent to be killers. Created to be powerful and terrible, treated as living weapons from the moment they came into existence, and hated for it.

To shockwave, Megatron treating him as a weapon is likely what he's come to expect. It's what EVERY warframe expects. But Megatron doesn't treat him as something dreadful for it. He doesn't look at him with disgust or fear or contempt when he carries out the exact destruction he's told to. He looks at him with pride. With a pleased smile. He's met with praise and tenderness. And after such a long time of being made to fight and destroy, only to be treated like garbage, it's probably pure euphoria to be told he's doing a good job at what he was created for.

He will never be good in the eyes of the autobots that made him to be destructive. He'll never be anything other than terrifying. But to Megatron, he's good enough. With Megatron, there's a right answer. With Megatron, he's okay with being a weapon because it finally feels right, if only because there's finally someone there to tell him he's done a good job.

They're both so fucked up by the system and their own trauma that they don't really know how to love each other in a way that's normal or healthy but that will not stop them from trying to love anyway.

[s1ater]

lorenzo’s luck.

pairings. mobster!slytherin boys x fem!reader

about. in which it’s been a rough couple of weeks and lorenzo is facing the heat of it all.

warnings. swearing, a beating,

ricky rocks. okay, new idea sense i’ve been watching the sopranos lately and writing generic slytherin boys is getting boring for me rn… also i’ve been seeing some stuff abt lorenzo on tiktok and even something on here and i think i characterized him totally wrong? but also not because i read the book (but not really) he originally came from and he didn’t seem as sweet and innocent as people play him as. idk, i’ll stick to what i have now but lmk what y’all think ig

everything and everyone was on edge.

for the past two weeks the feds had been down your neck, jeopardizing your whole lifestyle and way of work.

everyone was in a pissy mood because of it—because when the feds were on your ass, that meant having to be careful, and your job was hard thing to be careful about when every move you made was highly incriminating. so when being careful, you barely got to work, and no work meant no profit.

it was hard to specify exactly what you did.

you were a mobster.

there it is, in the simplest form.

there was a lot of pressure in being one, especially when law enforcement was there to make things ten times harder.

and it wasn’t only affecting you, but entirety of your group;

“you’re a fuckin’ idiot, lorenzo, you realize that? take a fuckin’ look at yourself in the mirror and stare at something that isn’t just your face and realize you’re a fool,” mattheo’s voice erupts so suddenly through the air, startling all of you. “get your shit together.”

it was already starting. you, theodore, blaise, lorenzo, and mattheo had just barely taken a step into one of the many backrooms of the businesses mattheo’s father owned when the composure came fumbling down.

lorenzo had just barely sat his ass in one of the leather seats when the attention was pinned to him, “jesus, what’s up you’re ass m?” he laughs, but you can tell it’s a nervous one. “jesus.”

you glance to theodore who winces at the response like it was his own. that was the worst possible thing to say, especially to mattheo, especially right now where his anger and frustration was at an all time high.

you can see that anger pulse through his skin in a spike as he finally seems to processes lorenzo’s antagonizing words.

oh boy.

“fuckin’ saved your ass, enzo. you know what my fathers saying? that you’re a loose fucking cannon and i need to let you go,” he has his hand raised, shaking it in his face. “and you know what? we don’t let people go. there’s no such thing as letting someone go in our business. that’s a rare ever occurrence.”

letting someone go is disposing them. taking them out to the back and putting them down like a dog.

“get your head on straight and don’t you forget that you wouldn’t be here without me, because you’d be dead.”

“you act like you’re so fucking clear minded,” he huffs, leaning his head against the palm of hand.

that was enough.

mattheo swings himself around, throwing his fist into the face of enzo as hard as he can. you flinch at the sound of enzo’s nose cracking beneath the contact of mattheo's knuckles. you feel yourself tense up at the noise not letting up, but rather playing over and over, filling the room with ugly sounds of punches fill the room.

“mattheo-“

your call out is cut off as theodore takes your shoulder, pulling you back, “don’t.”

“he’s going to kill him.”

“he won’t,” he pulls you even closer and further away from the violent scene unfolding before you all, tightening his grip. “lorenzo’s too viable.”

he was right. even as enzo was a loose canon, he brought in a lot of profit and kept his end clean… for the most part.

lo was too salient for mattheo to kill, but his loud mouth was enough to tip mattheo over the edge.

it was a perfect way for him to blow off steam; beating in the face of his friend.

***

“don’t you look like a dime.”

it’s been a week since mattheo went on his little rampage, and you were now just seeing lorenzo in his healing state.

you’re smiling up at him, pinching his cheek as he rolls his eyes to your attention, “yeah, yeah, get off my back.”

he looked far from a dime; his nose was broken causing both his eyes to sport dark rings of bruising around them while the lining of his jaw was turning a dark purple and yellow.

“you and mattheo civil now?”

“define your idea of civil.”

“well, you’re not dead, so I assume you two are as civil as civil gets in mattheo’s terms.”

he scoffs, “yeah, well, let’s hope mattheo and his father are on the same page and I don’t end up dead in the next week.”

over a month ago, some of lorenzo’s boys hijacked a truck everyone was told specifically not to mess with despite the fair amount of profit that could come from it. and unfortunately, they dug themselves an already deep hole, deeper by obtaining the truck through a casualty.

lorenzo had received the blame, despite it having nothing to do with him other than the men being under his supervision and responsibility. he had to pay for it, and he did…

“you’re on the higher end of things, he won’t kill you.”

“that’d be the exact reason for him to kill me,” lorenzo corrects you. “I’m on the higher end for a reason, i can’t fuck up.”

you press your lips into a thin line at the thought of his words. mattheo’s beating must’ve really enlightened lorenzo because there was rarely ever a moment you caught him in such a grave mood where he was so in touch with reality.

his attitude on life was light and so unserious; you were unsure on how mattheo even recruited him when that was the exact opposite that this job sought out for. but then again, the boy recruited all of you.

“then don’t fuck up,” he laughs lightly, but it’s caught in the back of his throat. “again.”

“great advice, y/l/n,” he glances at you, “really got that one on the nose.”

“don’t be a douche,” you slap him lightly. “I don’t know what you want me to say, lo. you’re alive, you’ll stay that way too as long as you don’t press your luck.”

“hard to press my luck when I don’t have any in the first place.”

you gaze at the side of his face, attempting to gage the general emotion or even thought process going through his head, but there was nothing. not even his usual perma-smile could be found.

***

“someone approached me awhile ago-“

“who?”

“doesn’t matter who—a clients girlfriend,” lorenzo is anxious, pacing back and forth before all of you in the backyard of mattheo’s home. “i was offered a deal.”

you wince immediately.

lorenzo had collected the whole lot of you; everyone except mattheo. you all sat on his back deck, fixating between the full beautiful greenery backyard of the riddle home and lorenzo, who hadn't spoken till now.

a deal.

he should’ve stopped there.

“a deal?” blaise arched a brow, now leaning on his forearms that rest on his knees. “what kind of deal?”

you all knew exactly what type of deal it was.

enzo’s eyes don’t reach any yours, but he’s stopped pacing, wondering whether he should really speak it now.

don’t say it.

“immunity,” he says it flat out, bringing truth to all of your thoughts. but he doesn’t seem ashamed to this with the way he looks at each and every one of you in the eye finally. “she said once we all get impounded, there’s a way out for me.”

once. not if.

“i tell them everything. i rat every single one of you out and i’m given immunity.”

you all look up at him like he’s crazy. and he is; to be speaking like this to a bunch of mobsters—threatening the entirety of their life and business is crazy.

“we get thirty years plus. there’s no doubt. they get us and we’re already laid in our graves before trial because what we’ve done is absurd-“

“are you saying you’re a rat, berkshire?”

“no,” he shakes his head fast. “no, not at all.”

“that’s not what i’m hearing,” draco shakes his head. “i’m hearing you’re getting nervous with all this recent snooping of the feds and you’re fuckin’ rat.”

“fuck off, malfoy. i’m just telling you what i was told. i’m not a goddamn rat. i’d have to be mental to give up all we’ve done-“ his hand finds his forehead and he’s pacing again. “fuck if i even remember half of it.”

you’re all back to silence, thinking about this. rat or not, this did not look good for him.

your eyes suddenly settle on the light and distant bruising under enzo’s eyes; finally healing. you think about mattheo beating in his face over and over, and then you think about what he’d do if he ever found out about lorenzo’s offer.

“they have a lot of shit on mattheo.”

you all look back up to lorenzo now, a certain interest now crossing each of you again.

“what type of shit exactly?”

“type of shit you don’t get parole with… or out of jail for that matter,” he looks even more stressed than before. “she said the rest of you could have chances of a life after serving. not him.”

this wasn’t a surprise. mattheo always had a quality that none of you did when it came to getting things done; something sociopathic. he always took risk without question of consequence. he moved in silence, he didn’t hesitate, didn’t think, he always got things done faster than all of you combined.

so if mattheo did something beyond all of your usual tasks, you wouldn’t be surprised.

“i mean that makes sense, matty’s been at this longer than the rest of us,” you reasoned it out, only to be stopped immediately.

“no, you don’t understand,” enzo shook his head.

“what exactly are we not understanding here, enzo? you seem to know something, so why don’t you just spit it out,” theodore sits up, speaking for once. there’s obvious annoyance and distaste in his mouth as he stares at the boy before you with a narrowed look.

lorenzo pauses, looking back at him with the same look. you can tell there’s a thought process behind his eyes, and his anxiousness is slowly melting away.

“you know, where do you guys think this is all going? genuinely. you think we’re going to spend the next couple of months running clubs, collecting money, and beating up the occasional person that’s late on their payments for fun?” lorenzo has turned sour, looking at each of you almost as if he hates you all for your ignorance. “this is for life, and we’re only at the beginning point.”

[ivymarquis]

Hi loves 💕💕 I saw requests are open so I figured I'd send one in! I absolutely love your work you're so talented and I binge read all of your fics!!

I would like to request fem reader x soap where Soaps wife adopted a dog she found on the streets and keeps her even though he hates the idea.( he has a cannon fear of dogs which I find a little funny) slowly but surely he warms up to the dog but not fully. While he's out on a mission there's a robbery and the dog protects the reader and scares off the intruder. Soap hears about this and is instantly is best friends with the dog because even though he hates dogs he loves that the pup will protect his wife (I also hc that mabey it's not a street dog but a retired k9 reader adopted to feel safe while he was gone and she just didn't tell him until he comes home and sees a dog. it's up to you what you pick💓)

Hello anon I appreciate your patience!! I did pick and choose a wee bit to make the fic make sense for me, I hope you like it!

The Exception to the Rule

Pairing| Soap x Reader Rating| T Word Count| 1.9K Content/Warnings| Housekeeping first- this fic is SFW so if you find it in the tags I won’t be bothered about minors reading it but I am an MDNI blog and I will block any minors or ageless blogs who follow me. Got it? Cool. The author is an American attempting to write a Scottish accent, likely inaccuracies about how military dogs in general or bomb dogs in specific work. Allusions to prior animal injury, allusion to potential dog choking (in the context of choking off a working dog who won’t release its quarry), allusion to home invasion, dog bites, Johnny is not happy, the author does not condone getting animals you know your partner has issues with (but the plot necessitates it so on we go!)

Soap knows his wife well enough to know when she’s taken a “ask for forgiveness rather than permission” course of action. It’s written all over her face when she accepts his FaceTime call and answers his greeting of “What did ya dae, hen?“ with a “Please don’t be mad.”

Now certain men might have to worry about their brides stepping out on them on deployment. Soap knows her well enough to not even entertain that notion, so the wheels start turning for what exactly she could have done that has her looking this guilty out the gate.

The answer comes very suddenly in the form of a bark on the other end of the screen.

John Soap MacTavish sputters, something he is not often inclined to do, “Is that a fuckin’ dog?” And not just a dog. That wasn’t a little yappy fluffball who can be picked up with two fingers if need be. It sounds like one of the damn bomb dogs always yapping over in the kennels.

“Please don’t be mad!” She pleads again.

“Well a’m not happy, that’s for sure. Where and why did ye git that thing?”

This is completely out of character for her. Soap’s disdain for dogs (and why) is well known. She bloody well knows. So what the hell?

“It’s not permanent! You said this deployment would be a long one, and there’s been break ins in the neighborhood and I got nervous and my friend told me about this rescue group that helps rehome retired military dogs.” Her explanation is all in one breath. “They approved us” (Us??) ”as a foster family. He’s already got applications in for a permanent home. It just feels,” she pauses to catch her breath, and Soap can feel himself softening ever so minisculely to the dog- as long as he’s on the other side of the world, away from it, “safer here, with him here since you’re gone. The break ins have been really scary, they haven’t caught the guy yet.”

Fucking hell how is he supposed to argue with that? Especially if there’s some prick on the loose breaking into houses.

“Cujo better nae be oan th’ bed wi’ ye,” he grouses, acquiescing while still making his displeasure known.

“His name is Kabar and I’ll have the bed freshly stripped when you’re due back I promise.”

Soap is a god damn sucker for those pleading doe eyes, giving a big exasperated sigh to signal he’s letting her off the hook. “Fine. Bit he better be gaen by th’ time I pull intae th’ driveway. Let’s see th’ damn thing then,” Christ he hopes it’s not a Belgian Malinois. He knows they’re popular for military dogs but his darling is not built to handle a maligator, retired or not.

“Okay hang on,” she replies, notably cheerier as she taps the screen.

It’s a German Shepherd, thank fuck (Johnny must be having a stroke to be grateful for the sight of a German Shepherd in his bed)

He knows as well as anyone else they can be intense, but they’re a step down from the Malinois at least.

The coloring is traditional, but Soap’s brain starts nudging him that something is wrong with the dog. It takes a moment to click before he realizes the problem.

The damn dog only has three legs. “Is he a tripod?” The question is out before he can stop himself because no he is not inquiring about the damn dog. It was just a thought that escaped.

“He is a disabled veteran!” His bride corrects cheekily, before much more solemnly adding “He was a bomb dog.”

Oh Christ. He did not need to know that. Doesn’t need to think about the damn animal waking up one day with four legs and clocking in to work with his handler before boom.

“A’m only entertaining this because of the break ins, hen, am ah clear?”

Maybe having that booming bark rattling the windows will keep any would-be intruders at bay. This is the worst part of the job- being stuck on what might as well be the other side of the world when she’s got something to deal with.

“Absolutely crystal clear!” She’s all too agreeable, pleased as hell to have her cake (the dog) and eat it too (Johnny tolerating it).

Somehow this is going to blow up in his face and he’s going to permanently end up with a fucking military dog he doesn’t want, he just knows it.

But there’s no fucking way he can tell her No. Absolutely not. He goes back today, with a potential threat lurking around the neighborhood. He’d never forgive himself.

The rest of the conversation is much more in line with what he usually anticipates with their phone calls being- He doesn’t much like talking about work off the clock although lets her know of any interesting shenanigans around the base, and listening with baited breath as she regails him of tales both extraordinary and, well, extra ordinary.

Usually their phone calls end when she passes out in bed, and they’re perfectly poised to continue that habit tonight also.

“Ye made sure all th’ doors and windows are locked, hen?” He asks as she starts snuggling into the bedding underneath her.

“Yeah Johnny, I,” she cuts herself off with a big yawn “-I double checked them.”

It’s a few minutes later that the phone slips from her hand, camera pointing at the ceiling as she drifts off.

Johnny can almost imagine he’s at home laying on his back, watching the rhythmic movements of the ceiling fan in time with his lovely girl snoring slightly in his ear (despite her verbose protests that no she doesn’t snore- okay. Whatever you say, gorgeous.)

It’s an incredibly comforting moment that lets him feel a bit closer to home that is ruined by the sound of snuffling by the speaker.

The dog’s nose appears on screen, the angle making him look like an aardvark as he sniffs the phone before laying down, presumably relishing in the fact there’s not a damn thing Soap can do about this situation.

“Ye better keep an eye oan my girl, Cujo.” Soap grumbles as he begrudgingly hangs up the phone.

The mission ends quicker than expected- substantially quicker- and as content as Soap is with getting home he also is annoyed.

The mission got cut so short, and it’s so damn late by the time Soap is driving home that he knows the fucking dog is still there. The agreed upon date has not yet passed, which means that fuck is lazing about on his side of the bed.

Not to mention the mere obstacle of convincing a former military dog he’s never met, in the middle of the night, that yes this is his fucking house and he’s the one paying the bills around here and yes that actually is his spot on the bed so kindly fuck off.

At a point during his drive home, a police car flies by him. Then another. Then another.

Must be the fucker that’s been breaking into homes. Hopefully he gets caught and that’s one less thing to worry about when Johnny leaves again.

Except the red and blue lights seem to be fucking honed in from the spot that he’s steadily driving to, and Johnny’s convinving himself that he’s seeing things. There is no way that those lights and sirens are stemming from his house, thank you very much.

Even still, he feels himself driving faster. The sooner to quiet his anxiety that’s brewing.

The anxiety doesn’t dissipate as he makes each turn to his home. If anything it gets worse.

Because all that noise and the flashing lights are stemming from his own fucking home. Johnny can barely get the thing in park before he’s flying out of the vehicle. He can hear screams and specifically her crying and in an instant Johnny’s beyond being keyed up.

One of the officers attempts to intercept Johnny- thinks he’s just some nosy fuck from who knows where- and it takes everything in him not to blow his top entirely as he cuts the man off with a stern “This is mah house ‘n she’s mah wife!”

The sound of his voice booming into the night is enough to catch her attention and bring her running to him. Johnny embraces her as she flings herself at him, crying into his shirt as he strokes her back and soothes her.

He can piece together the general what happened, although he’s completely unaware of the details.

One piece begins to fit into place as he starts to hear what all the screaming is. His initial attention completely fixated on ensuring his wife is whole and hale, now he can check that off the mental list he now has the bandwidth to listen to the bellowing.

“Git it aff me! Och Jesus, someone git it aff o' me!”

“Cannae git th’ damn thing tae release him,” Johnny hears one of the officers comment dryly.

“Can always choke him off if the owners can’t git him tae let go,” the other one supplies.

“Eh, ah guess,” the first one responds in a bored tone that makes it clear he has a this guy fucked around and now he’s finding out, and I don’t see a reason to hurry- the dog looks happy anyway, stance to the situation.

On the side of the house, face down in the grass is the man who presumably broke inside.

He is so incredibly lucky there are witnesses and a sobbing wife to curtail the dark, angry thoughts swirling around in Johnny’s brain. Otherwise all it would take would be one phone call to Laswell and this prick disappears forever.

Attached to the calf of that man is Cujo, happily laying on the ground with his tail wagging slowly like his teeth aren’t sunk inside a man’s flesh. If the dog gets too annoyed with the man’s wiggling he shakes him like a chew toy, starting up a fresh round of someone git this fucking dog aff o’ me! until he lays still.

The mention of choking the dog off the would-be intruder doesn’t slip past his darling in the slightest, looking up at him with wet, pleading eyes.

Damn it all, he’s always a sucker for that look.

“Johnny, do you know how to make him let go? I don’t want him choked!”

He decides she’s probably better off not being told how often that ends up having to happen, and that Cujo will be just fine minus a few brain cells if push comes to shove.

But he has spent enough time (against his will, mind) around the dogs that he’s learned the basic commands over the years through repeated exposure.

“No promises, hen, bit we’ll see.” The dog has never met him a day in his life- there’s no guarantee he’s going to listen to a man that’s a stranger barking orders at him, but Johnny gives the sharp German command anyway.

To his surprise, the dog lets go immediately and turns towards them, giving the skipping lope that a 3 legged dog does before placing himself in a heel at Soap’s side, eyes wide and head tilted.

Johnny doesn’t want to think about what could have happened tonight if it wasn’t for Cujo- Kabar- taking such an involved roll in apprehending the man stupid enough to break into his home.

And he’s most assuredly not magically over his aversion to dogs- especially military dogs- but he might be able to tolerate an exception if it means having some peace of mind that his wife is safe at home.

[heartseungbin]

hello how have you been??

could you pretty please do hard thoughts of boypussy!skz?

BP!SKZ HARD THOUGHTS

warnings; free use mentions, dacryphilia, pussy slapping, squirting, nipple play, strap use, exhibitionism, let me know if i missed anything!

notes; i didn't know if you wanted them as head cannons or whatever this is but here they are! gn reader except for seungmins part

Chan- mirror sex

chan loves mirror sex with you

loves watching the way his gushing pussy is clenching around your fingers

makes his toes clench watching your lidded lust filled eyes all on him

and the way you force him to look at himself in the mirror?

probably heightens the experience for him

he's sat in between your legs and loves watching your expressions in the mirror

your pinching his cute lil clit

and his milky thick thighs snap shut from the plessure:((

you forcing them back open and slapping his soaking pussy as a punishment cause poor boy can't keep his legs open for you!

Minho- free use, bratting

Minho was bein a brat

a brat who is also wearing his "use me at any time you please" band

so

you did just that!

he was cooking you both a lunch after ignoring you and being a complete and utter brat all day

what do we do with brats?

we finger them open on the kitchen counter!

he's moaning, pushing back against your fingers like a whore

slick dripping onto the floor where you have him bent over

his hands are gripping uselessly at the counter searching for purchase:((

literally attempting to flee from your harsh thrusts into his pussy, hitting all the good spots so well:((

he's shaking, pleading with you to slow down, that he's sorry, he's ready to be a good boy now

but it's too late, your hand is already on his hip pulling him back onto your punishing fingers everytime you pull out!!

Changbin- gentle sex, fingering, nipple play

changbin is such a good boy

i cannot find it in my heart to even write this man as a brat

good boys derserve gentle fuckin and lovin

fingering changbin nicely, fingers reaching the deepest parts of him:(

bunny boy is so overwhelemed at the love he's feelin, slick dripping onto the bed and all over his thighs

pullin your fingers out of him just to see the slick trail they left connecting your fingers to his pussy

i feel like he'd be so sensitive, legs quivering everytime you press a rough thumb to his pretty clit:(

lets out the loudest squeals as you touch a slick soaked finger to his nipple at the same time as you rub his clit

overall changbin is such a good boy so him and his pussy should be treated well!!

but this is hard thoughts ofc so

Binnie with a clit piercing, tugging on it watching him cry out n squirm:((

literally squirts all over you the second you slide a finger into him and tug on the piercing at the same time..

Hyunjin-clothed sex, squirting, kinda public sex/exhibitionism

gifting Hyune a cute pair of lacey panties to wear the day your all set to have a movie night together

and making him squirt through them

rubbing his pussy through the panties under the blanket while everyones unaware.

when it first happens his legs snap shut around your hand, letting out a little squeak

he looks at you with wide eyes cause??? the boys are here???

you shrug, throwing him a smirk and force his legs back open, continuing your work

he can't deny that them being here while your doing this is turning him on more then he'd like to admit..

you ask him anyway though, if he'd like too continue

he nods his head, cheeks pink with embarrassment

you push the lacey panties to the side, sliding a finger into his slick pussy

lets out a small moan, alerting everyone in the room

while everyones attention was on him he burned red hot, blush creeping down his neck to his chest

you pinch his clit at the exact moment someone, he doesn't know who, asks if he's alright and he can't help but moan loudly, legs shaking and his head lulling back

you look around the room with a smirk, the moving of your hand under the blanket making everyones eyes widen

oops the blanket falls!!

you've both been caught and hyunjin thinks it's the end of the world...but why is everyones attention unyeilding on you playing with his pussy..?

Jisung- multiple orgasms, clit play

you and jisung both wanted to see how many times he could squirt just from having his clit pinched and played with

your taking his clit between two fingers and lightly squeezing the little bud making his legs thrash and him arch his back

you smile at him smugly

"arching like a whore," you comment, making him whine

you flick his clit meanly, making him let out wet sobs, pussy drooling untouched onto the white sheets staining them grey

he's already came two times from this, at this point closing his thighs around your hand from overstimulation, begging you to stop torturing his poor clit:((

cute lil wet sobs and tears coming from his eyes, clit on fire

he's clenching around nothing cause he feels so empty, the least you could do is feed his hungry hole!!

Felix-exhibitionism

Cute lil lix expressed to you his want of being fucked in front of all his group members so ofc you had to do that for your fairy boy

he's in the middle of the room with you fingering him open slowly, and he's so wet, leaking like a facet all over the carpet

no one's saying anything and his cheeks burn from the embarrassment of being the only one naked

but he loves the attention, letting out louder than usual moans under the attention of his bandmates and lover

it's like he's putting on a show for you all to watch, arching against your touches on his nipple and grinding his pretty pussy onto your fingers

the boys can't help but jerk off too, loving the show lix was putting on for them

the way they're lust filled eyes were gazing at him made his toes curl in pleasure, legs shaking when you curled your finger deep inside him

he preens under the attention, silently thanking you for this opportunity because wow, who knew he was into being watched while getting fucked?

after all, the boy is a performer

Seungmin- choking/asphyxiation, rough fucking (fem reader) strap use

seungmin is a whore

i feel like he'd be into choking (i want to expand or talk or write about this later)

pounding into his hole that's drooling around your strap, your hand placed on his neck

his eyes are rolled back, arching into the touch, fingers gripping and scratching at your hand on his throat

he likes the feeling of it there, the lightheadedness he gets when being choked

your hand is on his waist, pulling him back onto your strap

legs flailing, toes curling as he tries to escape the harsh thrusts:((

he's panting from the force, pussy clenching around you making it hard to continue your harsh thrusts

you tighten your grip on his neck, fingers slightly pressing on his pulse points and his eyes roll back, legs shaking harshly as he squirts around your strap, slick hitting his chest

in conclusion seungmin just wants to be fucked on your strap n choked

Jeongin- plushie humping, guided masterbation

You were away and came back only to find your innie humping your cute brown bear:((

he wasn't usually being a bad boy and breaking the rules!! promise!!

so just this one time you'll let him get away with it

but oh no innie, that's not the right way to do that!

your never gonna get any friction if you do that so you have to teach him!!

you position him so his clit bumps the bears nose everytime he humps

"Now try baby," you tell him, sitting on the bed next to him

he whimpers, the nose of the bear hitting his clit just right

"just like that baby," you say, a comforting hand on his back and a hand playing with his chest

he feels so embarrassed being caught like this..

but it's okay!! innie just wanted to feel good

he bucks his hips into the bear sloppily, slick staining the bears nose

he feels so good like this, grinding his hips onto the bear and smearing his slick everywhere

you bring a gentle hand down to his clit to play with, making his pleasure increase tenfold

he sputters out thank yous and feels so goods, grinding at fast past

finally cums all over the smiling bear, collapsing onto you with a cute lil huff

[haven-1307]

MDNI

Simon “Ghost” Riley headcannons.

There’s so much more then this in my head but I haven’t written my own work in a long time, this is just the version of simon “ghost” Riley who lives in my head rent free! Any support/feedback is appreciated.

———

• he can cook some basic meals, but nothing overly complicated. And he always makes sure his partner eats first.

• he shows his love through actions not words. He covers the corners of tables so you don’t hit your head if you bend down to pick something up. If your also military he will make sure all your gear and guns are kept in the best condition they can be and he’s doing regular checks. He makes sure you’ve drank enough and are taking care of yourself properly. Just all the little things.

• As lovely the fantasy is in head cannons and fics are where he’s written as a hard dom/sadist type I honestly just don’t see it.

• I do think that he’s a dom though, I don’t see him liking to give up control especially when your first starting to get used to eachother, it’s too much trust for Simon to give you until he knows for sure he can trust you - (doesn’t mean he very occasionally might let you have some control - which gradually increases over the night once your both comfortable around intimacy with eachother.)

• I think that sex is very intimate and soft with him, very sensual and comforting for both you and him. At most I see him loosely holding your neck but not enough that you’re not able to breathe. (I also think he likes feeling your pulse under his hand) or occasionally letting his hand rest slightly firmer than usual on your soft skin at your hip or waist just enough to feel you.

• He’s checking in regularly, making sure his perfect darlin is loving it as much as he is.

• PRAISE AND DEGRATION.

• He needs a safe word, for both of you. He’s so much more than his trauma but he also understand the effects it’s had on him, even if he doesn’t show it. Having a safe word in place for both of you just eases his mind a little. He would hate it if his perfect little angel felt too uncomfortable to say the safeword so he always makes it a point to watch your reactions carefully, and he’s very good at catching even the slightly discomfort or pain and will change or adjust accordingly to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

• I can see him being into sensory play, blindfolding especially. Anything that hightens the experience and pleasure.

• Even though I don’t think his communication is the best (especially early on in the relationship) he’s always checking in on your when you’re having sex or doing anything or that nature. Reminding you in more then ok to use the safe word regardless of the kind of play your doing.

• “Atta gir, just like that.” “Need me to slow down, sweetheart?” “Fuckin hell, good girl.” “Takin me so well, bloody hell darlin.”

• I can see him being a degrader though, big time. Not overly mean but he takes a certain type of pleasure from calling you names and embarrassing you. Although he will always know (and respect!) your limits and will never say things he knows you don’t like or that won’t bring you both to pleasure. And he does make you beg.

• “Such a little slut, so wet already?” “We’ve barely fuckin started princess. So needy for me, no one else able to please you the way I can?” “You want my cock? Beg me for it.”

• I’m not 100% sold on this but I can sorta see him doing primal play/ and or cnc, but this would not be rushed and I can only see it happening if it’s something that his partner has been really interested in for awhile, I don’t see it as something he himself is massively fond of or something he will do for his own benefit specifically, it wouldn’t be rushed or done without all safety precautions taken and not until you both are fully trusting and understanding of eachother completely.

• and my god he loves giving head. And he’s bloody amazing at it too.

• scary dog privileges. Big time. He’s always either next to you or right behind you.

• he really doesn’t strike me as the possessive type - protective, yes. But not possessive. You always know your safe with him and he will never let you feel uncomfortable.

• literal embodiment of “wear what you want. I can fight.”

• I think he definitely has a size kink, and if you play into it it makes him feral.

• he loves if his partner has a voice kink and he will happily talk you through anything you need.

• will fuck you with the mask on if you ask, he will chuckle to himself when you bring it up the first time though.

• the glare he gives others if they look at his perfect little darlin for too long is so harsh they end up leaving you alone very quickly.

[ryomens-vixen]

VIIIIXXX I have a request if I may?

I wanna know what Yandere head cannons you have for Suguru. Because I know you have them, and I'm /dying/ to hear them

😌🤍Ofc I have some Yandere head canons of my boyfriend Suguru! And yes you can send a request anytime pookie!

YANDERE!Suguru Headcanons

Summary: Your friends dared you to do this trendy break up prank on your boyfriend...but he's not taking the joke to well.

Yandere!Suguru x (f)YN

CW: Yandere tendencies, Stalking, Kidnapping, NSFW, gaslighting, blood kink if you squint, knife play if you squint, breeding kink.

Word count: ion fuckin know 🤷🏾‍♀️ Reblog & ❤ good luck!

Yandere!Suguru whom you happened to break up with as a joke, except he did not take the joke very lightly at all. You see your boyfriend was absolutely infatuated with you, obsessed even. So this "joke" was not funny to him at all- You have no clue as to how far he would actually go to make sure you're his even though his calm and level headed demeanor says otherwise.

Yandere!Suguru who after that joke would follow you to and from work making sure you hadn't been talking to someone who wasn't him.

Yandere!Suguru who would check your phone while you were in the shower when you'd come over his place to spend the night.

Yandere!Suguru who would "jokingly" tell you to go talk to your other hoes, but whenever you joked back with a nonchalant "Okay, I will" it made his chest tighten and burn with anger. Did you actually have another behind his back? We're you going to go see him after you left? All while faking a small chuckle, you really don't know what you've done, have you?

Yandere!Suguru who would go weeks without talking to you after that night, you never questioned it. Maybe he was busy with work or caught up with Suguru. No- no he wasn't. He was a lot closer than you thought.

Yandere!Suguru who turned off his location so you wouldn't know that the whole time he wasn't speaking to you, he was actually stalking you throughout the day and night. Did you forget already that you gave him a key to your apartment?

Yandere!Suguru who memorized the times where you would eat and take a shower so that he can sneak in each night and hide underneath your bed.

Yandere!Suguru who would listen to you giggle to your girlfriends about this new guy that's become your regular at the café you worked at each morning. Was this the guy you were seeing behind his back? No, he has to REMIND you that you belong to him only and he'd do that tonight.

Yandere!Suguru would wait until you were good and asleep to duct tape your mouth and hog tie you tight enough to get you in his car, all the fighting you did with him really tired you out. Might as well sees what your DARLING boyfriend has in store for you. At least getting kidnapped by some hot guy with dark circles was definitely on the bucket list.

Yandere!Suguru who would later violently toss you onto his couch rather than taking you to his bed, no no that was too good for you.

"You know this IS your fault? Thinking you could EVER find someone better than me- Are you stupid? Answer me, Y/N!"

How on earth could you possibly answer his question...with tape over your month?! But it was so hot seeing him pace around like some crazed lunatic- which is exactly what he was.

"You think you're too good to answer me, huh? It's okay, because I'll show you would actually owes you- NOBODY. And I mean NOBODY. will ever, ever love you as much as I do, Nobody will ever know your body like I know it~"

Man you hadn't a clue what he was going in about, but you knew one thing. That aching in your core was really nagging you with how much Suguru was turning you on. Maybe you should make him act like this more often, Nah because then he'll know you're doing it on purpose.

Yandere!Suguru who would come back with the sharpest knife he could find just to throw himself on top of you. Taking each piece of fabric that covered your delicious body and cutting it, no matter how sloppy the cuts he didn't want to take his time with you at all. You were his and he was determined to remind you of that, he was determined to bury his cock deep into the depths of your insides no matter what.

Yandere!Suguru who accidentally cut your inner tight while trying to get your pajama pants off. All he could hear was the squeal you made followed by a pained whine.

"Oh... I'm so sorry, mamas. Maybe if you didn't drive me crazy like this I wouldn't have cut you, but that's your fault too now isn't it?"

Of course it's not entirely you fault I mean how were you suppose to know that a harmless little prank would cause him so much distress? Goddamn it was hot, but you also didn't enjoy the pain that came with it- what is he doing? Is he liking the blood? What other crazy shit is this man into, you wondered?

"Mmmf, Mamas... You know you taste so good- I bet he's never tasted you before like I have. It almost tastes as good as that pussy of yours, look at it so soaking wet for daddy... Yeah she knows who she belongs too."

Is he- talking to your pussy?! Oh yeah you thought Suguru was crazy before, well he's definitely insane and man was it a little concerning.

Yandere!Suguru who would rub the bright pink tip of his cock onto the would that was left on your inner. The way his breath would hitch at the sight of some of your blood getting in his cock turned him as stiff as a brick he just had to be inside you.

Yandere!Suguru who would run his cock up and down through the folds of your pussy getting all your juices on it.

"I'm going to make you mine all over again, look at pretty pussy, just calling my fuckin name. Shhh.. Shhh. Shhh... Daddy's gonna make that pussy real full in. A. Minute-"

Yandere!Suguru who enunciated his last few words with a sudden thrust. Slamming his cock straight into your cervix- it was so sudden you barely had time to even adjust to his size before your eyes started to roll back.

Yandere!Suguru who threw your legs over his shoulders, ripped the tape off of your mouth, just so he could press his full weight onto you as he leaned down to sloppily kiss you.

"Say it's mines, mamas. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon say who this good pussy belongs too. This pretty pussy that I'm going to impregnate.. You'd like that wouldn't you? Me getting you pregnant, you having MY baby- just say it pretty girl, say it, say it, say it-!"

"I-its yours, AaAah- S- Su- Fuck-"

"Atta girl.. That's right, my fuckin pussy, nobody elses~"

Yandere!Suguru who made you call off of work so that he could properly breed you for the rest of the day so he can make sure you're well fertilized with his seed.

[v4lsang3l]

I hope Zerum has tumblr and sees this.

You and Zeal making Sebastian mean to the player just because people are mischaracterizing him is so fuckin stupid, cuz like, why the hell does it matter?? Yeah, I get that he doesn't like the player, but people liked the silly voicelines, and you got his VA BECAUSE HE WAS CUTE.

It doesnt fucking matter if people mischaracterize him imo, because like.. that happens no matter what. I've seen people say that pandemonium is babygirl. Wouldn't that be mischaracterizing as well??

At this rate, if you keep making Sebastian a bitch, people will eventually stop playing. Yes, it's a good game, but if, for example, people get annoyed or frustrated because they're dying so much, the silly voicelines might boost their mood, but by making Sebastian mean and shit, it makes people not want to even interact with him. Yeah, it's fun to use the flash beacon on him, but when he kills you out of the blue, it just doesn't make sense to me. We are paying customers, and yes, I understand that he hates the lights, but instead of having him kill the player and ruin a run, just make him smash the beacon or something. I know he does it already if you flash him once, but you know what I mean.

And with him being cAnNoNiCaLlY married to you, that's just fucking stupid. You say you're against selfshipping, yet you're doing that very thing! If you wanted him to be married to you so bad, you should've added yourself in his shop. Don't get mad because people like a character and want to ship themselves with him. He is a fictional character. Selfshipping happens all the time with fictional characters. You can't control that. And banning people from the discord server just because you don't like them doing that is just rude. Just delete their message and tell them, "Hey, please don't send selfshipping art here" or something. And with you posting that very same art with you and him just because you're married to him is hypocritical and petty.

My point is, give us back the silly voicelines (even if its just some of them), stop being a little bitch about selfshippers, and let people think what they want about Sebastian.

AND you being married to him doesn't make sense either, since he was pronounced dead for 10-13ish years, I do believe. You would've moved on by then.

[kreamcakez]

Emotion sex- Bokuto

(Kinktober day 20)

Smut

HCs

CW: not proof read, emotion based sex, and horny ass opinions, and aged up Bokuto

AN: 😩😩😩😩 one of the many men I want! I love Bo. With this I'm just gonna throw out my thoughts for how you🫵🏽 get fucked by him, depending on his mood! Please keep rude thoughts and opinions to yourself thx! And please enjoy.

★MDNI★

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

★So we all know that Bo has his different moods. So I think his moods decided on what type of sex is gonna happen. Like let's say His upset, and horny. The sex might be soft or you'll top him. But I'll explain more later. He's just a really expensive guy, and that's an amazing thing!!☺️ He uses mood lights.

★ Let's start with his Emo mode. Normally he gets like this when something happened and he needs to sulk for a moment. So what if he went into "Emo Mode" because someone said something about him? Or if he didn't do the best with a spike? Well it's your job to cheer him up.

★Emo Mode★

★Bokuto tends to be more, sexy for say when like this. He gets more bold with dirty talk and his touches. Definitely sets you on his lap and rocks his hips and whispers in your ear. Over all he becomes more bold. He's grate a dirty talk when he's like this. He also is more observant. He pays 100 times more attention then he already does. So you don't even have to ask, just him seeing you so needy makes him feel better. Or just being able to touch and feel you makes him better. Also the lights are purple 🫶🏽.

★Next I'm going to just say when he's angry, he has zero chill and becomes a real beast. He becomes the definition of that saying "Soft in the street abut a beast in the sheets" or however it goes. I can't remember if we ever have seen him truly angry in the anime or manga but probably not. He probably wouldn't only get angry if something blood boiling happened.

★Anger★

★In 9 words I can explain what he's like when angry and yallz are fuckin. Be. Prepared. To. Have. Lost. The. Ability. To. Walk.

★Okay but He's not gonna rail you, oh no no No. He's going to destroy you. It's like he got millions times stronger. And his thighs!? Ughh-!! He'd hold you in place with them thighs. (Possibly crush ya' head like a grape? Yuh!) His speed? Faster then Kenma when a new game comes out. He. Mother. Fuckin. Bites. Your hands are pinned by his, cuffed to the bed frame, or tied. He most definitely is gonna hold you against a wall, against a mirror. Ect.... The lights are definitely red and there's definitely music playing.

★Sad/ upset sex with Bokuto there is a chance that you're gonna be the one on top. Really he just needs you to spoil him. So it doesn't even have to be sex, it can just be time together. But these are not fluff head cannons. So 🤭

★Sad/Up★

★I personally believe that when Koū is upset, he's lacking energy. So if he was horny and upset, it's best you take control. Realistically when people are upset they tend to feel drained so it makes sense that he his. But when he's upset and your on top he like when you give him praise and kisses. So things like "Your such a good boy koū" and he enjoys it. He also like when you give him kisses. Making him beg makes him feel better. He likes when you're on top or when you tell him what to do. The lights of the room are possibly blue.

★When he's felling romantic or sexy about it, you can bet he's taking things slow to save the moment. He definitely likes when you tell him what you want, so if you beg or if you just ask normally. He just likes hearing you.

★Romantic★

★I'm gonna start with the lights are dimmed. He definitely likes the vibe it gives off. Bokuto definitely is the type to use a cheesy pick up line to tell you. But it's cute soooo!! Bo enjoys touching on both parts. So you giving him kisses you'll get them in return. He likes to tease you more when he's like this. So he'll rube and touch on your most sensitive spots. He'll tease the little spot while telling you all the things he loves about you. And why you're his baby owl. Why you're his and why he loves looking at you and being around you. He touches your lower back and whimpers in your ear telling you while you very important to him.

★Don't worry after all emotions you get the best care and affection that you could ask for!

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

AN: I love him so much!! I wanna give him all my kisses!!!!!!!! But yes for it all he was aged up, and yes I have lots more head cannons for his emotions it's just the don't come to mind right away— but hope you liked this ☺️

[forestshadow-wolf]

what nationality is roach to you? like any hcs that stray from possible canon? i wanna know. i wanna know your roach head cannons

So I know that canonically he's American, but also canon roach wasn't in the reboot games, so fuck canon.

To me he's either Australian, or one time someone said they hc him as Welsh and now that's forever in my brain, OR Resi (@resident-idiot-simp) has also convinced me that he should be irish bc accent (and I'm inclined to agree)

Ok look, i know in the comics he talks (i think?) But that man is selectively mute, but then he does talk, it's nonstop.

You already know about the mothman obsession. Yes Ghost is still messing with him by acting like mothman late at night

I feel like he'd be a pretty decent self-taught mechanic, so he works on the vehicles during down time between missions

Also price is hitting him with a broom to GET OFF THE FUCKIN' FRIDGE, ROACH!!!... he's hissing back.

I'm also a huge fan of when people portray him as a habitual vent user because that's fucking hilarious.

Also he's autistic. That's just a me thing. I want him to be autistic with me. Not with me, with me, but like- you get it

[loverofpussyandthaitea]

Alright sluts, I need some opinions.

I am currently writing a CrocMom au that has gone to far wild and completely out of my control. I have most of the plot surrounding Luffy and Crocodile's backstory and connection figured out, that's not the problem. What IS the problem is that Crocodile is to much of a whore. Crocodile has up to at least five potential love interests that I could throw at him (not including Dragon cause that has to happen for, y'know, conception.)

Buggy, Mihawk, Buggy & Mihawk, Dolflamingo, Shanks, Corozon ECT.

Now, I know some of those options might not make sense, but see, a writers mind is an unending fucking mine field of insanity, and I would be able to make those options work pretty well.

Buggy and Mihawk would most definitely make the most sense, as they are pretty canon in their interactions and I have been itching to write cross-guild anyways.

Shanks? Knowing that Crocodile created basically his kid and also could kill him at any time and is also hooking up with his two ex's? That man is already a skank and has probably dated at least half the one piece verse, this is not far fetched.

Dolflamingo? They are the ones with the most cannon interaction and could make for a very good psychological warfare/angsty fic, but also, Dolflomingo. So like, gross.

And the last and most crackship, rarepair shit I could ever think of. Cora and Crocodile. Now, in my fic, I start with Crocodile on Ohara to involve Olvia and Robin into his cannon universe (This is also trans!Crocodile, so he's a woman right now, but he transitions after Luffy's birth) and so I can give him an excuse to adopt Robin later when she's around like, 11.

So, you have a Crocodile that fits just snuggly enough into the timeline and does not have enough trauma yet (in my universe at the least) and who has already given birth to Luffy and is already slightly regretting leaving him and who has already adopted Robin. I think that there would be a really high possibility that Crocodile would meet Cora and be like "look at this sad, pathetic, wet-cat, clumsy single father. Would be a shame if someone was to just grab it.". Which would then inadvertently save Cora's life, especially if Crocodile helped get the heart fruit and then brought them back to Alabasta.

I also wanna clarify, I don't think Law would see Crocodile as a father figure. It took fuckin forever for him to trust Cora, and that was with sacrifices that spited both hell and high water. I think Crocodile would more be seen as a mentor, especially if Law would still want to get back at Dolflamingo. Cora might try to stop that. Cora would want what's best for his son.

Crocodile? Dramatic-time-to -murder-the second-strongest-pirate-of-all-time bitch? 100% would support.

Also, the possibility of Robin and Law shenanigans kind of gets my goat.

Plus, if you add in Luffy, Ace, and Sabo, it would be chaotic as fuck, and kind of amazing!

As you can tell, I am slightly leaning more to one of these options than the others (totally not just because I want to write a Cora lives au) and I think that Cora is one of the only One Piece men that Crocodile would genuinely consider sticking with because of the way he treats other people and his kids. The possibilities are fucking endless.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I would take anything into consideration and I have to decide before I write the Dragon/Revolutionary chapter.

The world problems of a one piece fic writer, man.

[pinyeti]

STARTING STARWARS HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS

Episode 4: A New Hope

I LOVE GOLDEN FACE

I love tiny robot guy r2d2

Is this a cult abducting him- theres no way baby robot is a protagonist right 

I just know they landed on a planet thats soooooo significant to the story line

OFC THEY LAND ON THE PLANET WITH DARTH VADERS SON WHAT A COINCIDENCE

I already love r2d2 and goldenfaces dynamic 

Sucks watching them talk about his dad WHEN I KNOW ITS DARTH VADER CMON WORLD YOU SPOILED THIS FOR ME

I love the music thats always playing its pretty refreshing 

30.33 ONE PIECE MENTIONED!!!!!

OH landing here wasn’t a mistake it was on purpose okay got it

The force = haki

Ofc Luke loves Leia

She’s cute 

Hes cute

OBIWAN IS A FUCKIN HTO AS FUCKKKKK I LOVE HIM HES SOSOSOSOSOHOT

ALDERANANANNA

I LOVEEEE OBIWANNNAKANANOVBIII HESS SOSOOO HTO

This is basically Harry Potter if Dumbledore was hot

Ohmygod OFC DARTH VADER IS A MOUTH BREATHER ofuckincoURSE HE IS

I dont get it why is Darth vader hunting jedis is he working with the govt? Why do they want jedis gone did I miss something (yea the first 3 movies)

Darth Vader has??? Mind control 

THIS IS CRAAAZZYYY FOR 1977

OHMYGOD UNCLE OWENNN IS THIS LUKES MY PARENTS ARE DEAD/DYING NICO ARC

Head cannon Luke wanted them dead cuz he did not want to look at another harvest IM GIVING UP ON YOUR DREAM UNCLE NOT MINE

omGGG OBIWAN IS A WHISPERER SON OF APHRODITE PIPER WHO

Lovely elephant looking snakes

Damn Luke is cute blonde guy growing on me

They just destroyed a whole planet for …vibes???

ONE HOUR IN????

WHATHEFUCK???NO FYCK THEYRE HEADING TOWARDS DARTHVADER ON THEIR WHEELBARROW

Ofc luke is on a ship with the pope kanobi and 8th grade atheist solo

I LOVE THIS MOVIE?????????

Noway Darth Vader said I smell him I smell my “buddy” obiwankanobi GAY GAY GAY

Theyre gonna dress up as storm troopers 

THEY DESSED UP AS STORM TROOPERS

Sorry Luke storm trooper is not a good look on you guess its genetic

Solo tho is rocking it

Aww solo BEING SO UNNATURLally POLITE HES SUCH A BAD ACTOR

Theres no way obi wan DIED

AYOOOO LUKE IN ORANGEEEE I LIKE

Oh solo’s name is Han okay

OMGGG R2D2 AND GOLDENFACE GOODBYEEE

WHAT IS DARTH VADER AND HIS CUNT MINISTER DEAD????

WHATS GOING ON???

Man tell me this isnt gonna be a love triangle please

(1/9)

[infoglitch]

My very bad takes on rwby ships (the well known ones atleast. And yes most are jaune)

(i do not represent anyone except myself so do not judge others based on me because if you do. That's YOUR problem. Not the peoples you think I represent)

Hoi! I think its time I get crucified. Kidding obviously. This community isn't completely toxic, that much is obvious. Now let's get the obvious ones out the way

Bmblb.

Ok... time for the one I don't wanna touch because I don't have nice things to say.

Ok first. I don't mind this ship. Wanna get that out of the way because unlike most would assume. I don't hate or love this ship.

BUT. I got problems with how it was made fucking cannon. First off, fuck you rt and your "from the beeginning". I don't fuckin care how much you try to cover your incompetent asses. If the pants don't fuckin fit. Don't fuckin wear them!

Second. There was no real build up (you can argue there was. But it wasn't good. Anyone could have done a better job than rt). The only real thing that could "prove" this was planned was that yang "flirted" with Blake. Now you might be saying-

"oh but she explained her trauma to Blake that clearly means shes interested in her" in which. NO. Yes this moment is VERY good basis to build off these twos dynamic. And if rt kept building onto this by having yang slowly break down Blake's wall before eventually getting her to open up, I would be applauding rt for it, hell I would be a fan of it probably because for these two, it fuckin works! Blake clearly is alot more reserved and is rather prickly meanwhile yang is the rambunctious, ass-whooping, badass, and overall awesome ball of joy (sounds weird saying especially since yang is my favorite character). yet rt dropped the fuckin ball the moment sun showed up. Now I love sun and i enjoy black sun. But for the love of GOD if this shit is from the beginning than this clearly proves it was fucking not!

After volume three who did blake spend most of the time with in menagerie and rt was clearly trying to push? Not bmblb! BLACK-FUCKING-SUN. Let's give a round of applause to RT for making the dumbest decision of saying bmblb was planned from the start because bitch it was not.

And what did we get for yang. Oh only her trauma from one losing an arm and the fact she has PTSD from it. Oh yeah let's not forget the fact yang had ABANDONMENT ISSUES. Yet the moment her and Blake meet back up suddenly it doesn't fuckin matter because Weiss managed to somehow fix it by telling yang that Blake had suffered as well (i know that's not exactly what happened but point is I fuckin HATE the scene where Blake rejoins the team and yang is just "OK! I totally still don't have problems with the fact you left me and the team at both my and our teams lowest moment." Personally fuck you rt)

.....where was I again? Oh yeah rwby ships. So before I fuckin lose it at rt's incompetence at story telling, developing a romance and character building- let's move on to..... whiterose.... SON OF A BIT-

Whiterose

Look does the fact I don't care for BB and the fact I hate white rose with such a burning passion make me look like a misogynistic homophobic asshole a bad thing? Yes. But I just can't enjoy this damn ship because I just find it so FUCKING BORING!

I get it, it's "opposites attract". But I just don't care because this is so boring and basic that I can't even be glad a gay ship is actually popular instead of the same boring straight pairings.

I don't care if ruby could help Weiss be less of a bitch. Because that troop has been done to fucking DEATH.

There's not even the fact that it be a middle finger to Weisses dad because guess what he's already got his comupance and is also you know, FUCKIN DEAD. There's no satisfaction from any of this ship for me. Is it a bad ship? Fuck no we aren't even going to cover THAT!

But do I like this ship and hope it'll be cannon? No. And if it is? I won't care and I'm not even gonna celebrate it. You can take a fat piss on my grave before I say whiterose becoming cannon is the only option.

Now what ship is next- oh. Oh no. It's the ship everyone enjoys.

Arkos

Look I'm already gonna get fuckin crucified for my opinion of WR and BB. I don't feel like pissing off even MORE people!

... ok fine I'm saying my opinion.

I don't care for this ship. I don't care for pyrrha and I'm actively glad she is dead.

I won't even elaborate because this ship is dead and will gladly piss on its grave.

Rest in piss arkos. Overrated as fuck!

Next up is... rose garden. Finally a ship I dont mind supporting... but also... one thats gonna be hard to say

Rose garden

Look... their just fuckin cinnamon rolls and I love it!

"but you hated arkos yet both jaune and pyrrha were cinna-"

Uhp! No! None of your bullshit. But I will explain.

I don't care for arkos because I don't care for the fact pyrrha has no development. Not even a personality. She was always "the one girl that has feelings for jaune" which don't get me wrong, jaunes one of my favorite characters but I prefer the character he would be shipped with are actually characters and not... cardboard.

Now thankfully Oscar does not suffer the same fate. He's not infatuated with ruby, he is just a "kid" who just found a wizard stuck in his head and now he's off into a war he never knew about. He was timid (batshit terrified even) and yet when he sees the courage shown by the cast he slowly tries to be like them. with the moment between ruby and Oscar being a moment I fuckin love. Oscar is being honest and asking ruby why, why does she keep fighting? Keep marching into a unknown war that could very well kill her. And ruby simply answers by admitting she Is aware she might die, she even lost good people during the fall of beacon but she kept going because she wanted to be a huntress, she wanted to HELP people.

One of the many reasons I love rose garden is because these two fuckin dorks grow WITH each other instead of the simple "oh I'm the love interest of the main character I'm gonna be a cardboard cutout of the character I should be!".

I can't put it into proper words but I just love rose garden.

Whiteknight

Wait... are we actually talking about white knight and not another ship that I probably don't care about and get crucified because of them?

FUCK YEAH!

Gentlemen and ladies. I am proud to say I am whiteknight trash because damnit I love this ship.

I will say it now this ship is the shit that gives my Tumblr account LIFE. And like rose garden I can't even find words to describe how this ship makes me my brain go up with dopamine. This ship is just my favorite ship. Weiss and jaune have had so much buildup. Starting with jaune being a idiot and trying to flirt with a very much more cold Weiss (HA) To Weiss laughing at jaunes reaction to his voice after the high of depression that was V9! The little smile jaune had as he heard Weiss giggle. To the mother fuckin mature scene that has skyrocketed to memehood! I just love this ship because it is just everything I want out of a romance subplot!

Knightshade

Oh... oh we already at some.... unpopular ships.

Now this isn't exactly ship related as pyrrha was to arkos but I just don't like Blake, so you might be thinking "oh then you must hate knightshade". Well..

You.

Are.

WRONG!

I don't know why I like it I just like knightshade. It's cute, it's got enough crack to make it a crack ship, and the memes! The. Fuckin. MEMES.

God I love knightshade.

Knightfall

So... how do I say this?

I love this ship. Not joking I love this. I'd be peeved if this became cannon but as syndrome once said

"OH COME ON! YOU GOTTA ADMIT THIS IS COOL!" (Man was a salty man and died like a BITCH)

As to why?

The

Fuckin

ANGST!

I could write an entire fanfic of jaune and cinder fighting each other for days on end until jaune fucking loses but instead of killing him cinder just lets him live. To continue to fight as she gets some sick enjoyment from the attention.

That's all. (Also cinder please choke me with your thighs-)

[GLITCH HAS BEEN TEMPORARILY BANNED.]

Alright I'll behave. No thirsting, now onto.... Lancaster.... you know I can't tell if I want to be killed or be celebrated as a fuckin gift because this list is bizarre as fu-

Lancaster

.... where do I begin?

Ok I should probably state this now. I love this fuckin ship despite how... cliche it really is. I want these two dorks to be fuckin happy but I just can't say whole hearted this is my otp. It's just not for me, I'm sorry. But as you all know I have written.. some.. Lancaster fanfics (I am absolute jaune shipper trash, you can Bury me before I say any jaune ship is terrible except THAT! Even arkos ain't bad just overrated!)

But... yes I like this ship that why I'm writing fanfics in the first place I like alot of jaune ships (despite how much I hate THAT!) Because we'll most female characters that I pair with jaune have atleast some form of interaction. (Except silent knight. I just like that one because I like the "small murderous and tall gentle" dynamic. But we aren't covering silent knight.)

Now thats all I could say for Lancaster but there's one more sister that I wanna talk about but first.

For runner up on this list. Drum roll please.

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Thank you-

.....

Huh I guess that drummer wasn't as dumb-

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Ok fuck you, your fired!

Now for runner up on this list (mainly because I like it but I don't have much to say-)

Martial arcs

(ha bet y'all rat bastards weren't expecting me to list a gay ship that I liked.)

Now all I have to say is.

🎶let them be fucking gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!~

OH YEAH!🎶

Now onto... my favorite one thats not white knight. The one, the only, the truest form of "what the fuck is glitch snorting"-

Dragon slayer

This is the one ship that has continued to be a ship I love dearly.

To me yang and jaune feel like they would be each other's wing(wo)man and would just be an ride to watch.

There wasn't even any evidence in why this ship could happen. But I still love it. Y'all can call it "just a write inserting themselves as jaune" but let me say this.

Dragon slayer is the Pinnacle of the most wholesome moments! Not even Lancaster can compare to the intimacy of this ship and yes! I AM TALKING OUT OF MY ASS BECAUSE I LOVE THIS STUPID SHIP AND AINT NO ONE TELLING ME I SHOULD BE ASHAMED!

....

Ok I think that's enough talking about Rwby ships for one Day because I've caused three things.

1) probably pissed off arkos, BB, and WR shipers.

2) weirded out quite literally everyone with my batshit insanity.

3) probably started a debate on what I mean when I say "THAT!"

Anyway have a great day/night/or what other time it is bitches, bros, and non-binary rat bastards

I'm off to get crucified because OH BOY did I probably poke the bear.

[goshdangronpa]

For the ask game: Miu Iruma. Naturally.

Hi, friend! Yes, naturally I have some thoughts on this character. Just a few, really.

I'm just gonnaaaaa put this readmore right here

Sexuality Headcanon: I actually like a lot of different reads for Miu's sexuality. She's yet another DR lesbian who needs to be freed from comphet. She's pansexual who'd go for anything that moves. She's asexual and all her sex talk is a clumsy effort at blending in with a society that expects girls to make babies. Take your pick!

Gender Headcanon: Miu is transhumanist and not that attached to her fleshy form. She loves her boobs, but she'd be down with exchanging them for spherical cannons. She brags about having a bombass vajayjay, but she'd totally install a robot dick that shoots lazers.

A ship I have with said character: You already know, I'm irumatsu all the way. Just at a glance, Kaede is a fun foil for Miu: a friendly yet stern prep who dresses conservatively for a rude and goofy punk who casually wears BDSM gear. But Kaede's no meek square for Miu to pick on. She's got dignity, and she'll fight back. Thing is, Miu crumbles easily under the slightest pushback. Kaede understands that, but she'd never use it to get a permanent edge over Miu. Instead, she makes sure to be the one person who actually tries to understand the human being beneath the gorgeous girl genius. And that, in turn, encourages Miu to drop her defensiveness and open up for once in her life. It's really healthy for Miu ... and it'd keep things interesting for Kaede. This dynamic spins in my head like a dynamo. It's dynamite!

A BROTP I have with said character: Maybe you don't always need to have heart-to-hearts with someone. Maybe a relationship can just be two people dissing each other every day forever, and that's enough. Maybe Miu enjoys verbally sparring with Kokichi because he's the one guy who can actually keep up with her (he'd say it's more like she tries to keep up with him). A friendship of dueling wits, two people who spend their free time coming up with clever insults, trading them with each other at school, then ending it by asking, "Same time tomorrow?" In a way, they might need each other ... so they don't terrorize the rest of the world.

A NOTP I have with said character: Eh, I don't really have one? None that I feel too strongly about, anyway.

A random headcanon: Miu has very strong opinions on cartoons intended for small children. The kind of person who vehemently tweets that animation is cinema but only watches franchise movies from big studios. The kind of person who would tell kids they deserve to die for not caring about the original Teen Titans series. The kind of person who's ranked every episode of a show they barely even like ... Dang, I'd watch Miu's YouTube channel.

General Opinion over said character: One of my top three Danganronpa characters. Hell, top two. I love the huge personalities in these games, and few are bigger than the self-proclaimed gorgeous girl genius. Bombastic yet secretly meek, generous yet condescending, socially clueless yet sharp-witted, beautiful yet devoid of rizz, the worst person you'd ever know yet a person I'd like to have a non-alcoholic beverage with. She's awful because she thinks she's the best, and the worst part is that she's right. Miu fuckin rulez.

[mememanufactorum]

Badger’s Best of 2023 sentence starters

* FEEL FREE TO SHARE AS YOU PLEASE, NO CREDIT NEEDED. CHANGE PRONOUNS OR ANYTHING ELSE AS DESIRED

All lines are from this video created by TheRussianBadger.

"I ACTUALLY EARNED ONE, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

"Those noises that were coming out of you were inhuman."

"You ever had a hotdog burger before?"

"You did NOT just come up with that word."

"I need to know if this was a riff or if this was an actual meal."

"I heard the word 'hotdurger' unprovoked."

"Dudes with nut allergies when I hit them in the head with a brick."

"YOU DIDN'T JUJU ON THE FUCKIN' BEAT."

"I don't misinform. I just lie."

"Did you just punch someone for all their coins?"

"I don't know, just blow 'em all up, I don't care."

"I just fucken hate you."

"STOP BLINDING ME, YOU ASSHOLE! I CAN'T SEE, YOU GOBLIN!"

"To the charge of wire fraud, you are pleading 'nuh-uh'?"

"Your honor, shut the fuck up. You wasn't even there."

"This conversation sounds like four raccoons with internet access."

"You wanna know how I got these GAINS?"

"I was driving through upstate New York and I saw a Tesla with the license plate 'I'M HIM'."

"That license plate made me laugh so hard that I walked up to his window and put a 12-gauge slug in his chest."

"You got me fucked up bro, I can't believe you would question if I'm real."

"Here's a picture of my nuts."

"Those are gonna be my dying words to my wife: I just want you to know… PS3 has no games."

"Chimichangas are a CIA psyop."

"If you put me in the cockpit of an apache I will Kevin Gates, put my hand on the dashboard, and start it."

"Boy I love having something with none of the same consistency as anything else in my sandwich in my sandwich."

"Dude I definitely love biting into my sandwich and then leaving with an entire pickle slice in my mouth."

"Own a musket for home defense since that's what the founding fathers intended."

"I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grapeshot. Tally ho, lads!"

"Well it's just straight up racism, and it's not even like an occasional racism, it's like, this is full blast firehose racism."

"It's the floodgate of racism! The Big Gulp of racism!"

"This shit will turn your pacemaker off."

"I point blanked that shit with a panzerfaust."

"Me going to Arby's after losing a $50,000 Marvel vs Capcom tournament."

"Me walking to the fridge to get my five day old caesar salad."

"Fresh caesar salad, already not a good start. Five days, dog."

"How does that predator missile work? Oh, you just go NYOOOOOOM."

"This Nyquil beatin' my ass, that is not THAT funny but, like, I can't stop laughing!"

"Y'all just verbally buzzered that man."

"I stole your girl, I stole your whip, I stole your shoes."

"You cannot land a KC-135 in a Kroger parking lot."

"As someone who lives in Tennessee, you can land a KC-135 in a Kroger parking lot."

"That's how I'm going to describe the size of our parking lots to Europeans without internet connections. We can land that in our parking lots."

"I call that my main menu tax."

"Bro, I can't hail a cab in Detroit for shit, bro."

"First bullet, Toyota Tacoma be like 'I ain't hear NOTHING. Y'all hear something?' Second bullet? Legalize nuclear bombs."

"Your voice literally has to wait in line to be heard."

"I'm gonna bomb your trailer park."

"Don't take advice from the dead guys."

"Smoking on that diabolical arch-necromancer pack. Those who don't ball would do well to steer clear."

"Do you know the word 'whermst'?"

"It's like where and for what purpose and why. Location, reason, background context in one word: Whermst."

"Did he just prefire me? Bro, go to jail."

"That's your first option for recourse?"

"Alcatraz, we ain't talking county jail. You're getting in there with the dementors."

"Stop calling the 3D avatar mommy."

"How do they fit this many flares in an airplane? It makes no sense. It's like a clown car but for fireworks."

"I'M SCREAMING ABOUT IT MOTHERFUCKER, STOP!"

"Hey what's up guys? I just bought a 1911 at a Red Lobster parking lot, AMA."

"Just kill me. Just take me to heaven. Just… Take me out of this reality."

"Heaven? BITCH, YOU GOING TO HELL!"

"Hey, fuckin' imagine getting friendly fired by a .50 BMG. Imagine."

"My client pleads oopsie-daisy."

"I'm sorry that your dog is not going to college now."

"Ay you ain't on your grind, son. You ain't on your bag."

"No one's Batman impression is bad."

"You sound like you're in an alley with a trench coat, what the fuck?"

"Oh my God, his Scooby-Doo villain is coming out again."

"Are you repairing our conversation?"

"Why is 'slime' such a funny yet affectionate nickname?"

"Get the fuck out of our shower."

"Why can't we just share the shower?"

"Enemy. Man. 300 meters. North. Fast. Fast. Fast."

"Fun fact: The TSA allows you to bring a live lobster through security."

"I myself have brought 432 lobsters through security."

"THAT'S THE FOURTH TIME YOU'VE SHOT ME!"

"SHUT UP! YOU JUST HAPPEN TO BE WHERE MY BULLETS ARE!"

"All units, be advised: My stummy hurt."

"Homie got the dog in him with that one."

"Pulled pork? Yeah I cranked my hog today too."

"How blessed are we that I can just log on to YouTube and the first video I see is 'Master Chief teaches you how to change the oil on your 2006 Nissan Murano'?"

"That went from 'funny' to 'demonitized'."

"If your state has 90 degree corners, you probably eat corn syrup on your pancakes."

"Why do you always say 'theoretically' and it's not at all theoretical?"

"You have the world's WORST EVERYTHING."

"My boy got the object permanence of a frog."

"That boy cooked the most rare steak."

"I gotta use the bathroom or something, bro. I gotta go to college or something. I can't be with these motherfuckers."

"He went behind the tree and my brain was like 'WHERE'D HE GO?'"

"Somebody buy me a stat reset, PLEASE!"

"You should not be legally allowed to commit crimes if you're listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd."

"I'm on my Super Mario Sunshine shit."

"Are you barking at me?"

"You might wanna be a LITTLE shidded right now."

"I'd trust Gengar with my kid."

"I didn't know he was chill like that."

"No. We are not putting a controller around somebody's neck and twisting it. It's a wireless controller, you can't even do that."

"And 45 is just a caliber."

"Ranch was made by California to keep the Midwest fat because they're scared of our power."

"I refuse to believe that Kranch is real."

"Alignment charts are for the governable. I grow corn in my yard."

"Tell me the name of God you fungal piece of shit."

"I'm pretty sure that was the most sacrilegious shit I've heard in my life."

"I will pass that to the higher ups – parentheses: I do not give a shit."

"This is getting a little too fast for my brain."

"You fuckers are at a pie eating contest and I'm just like, nah son. Free pie."

"I'm about to hit 'em with the Glock-no-jutsu, on God, bro."

"Regretting a free purchase is crazy."

"THEY'RE JUST POLYGONS!"

"I've had people call me things that I wouldn't even dare say to myself."

"Take five 5-Hour Energies and enter the forbidden hour of the day."

"Those responses do not surprise me at all. I definitely expected that kind of language."

"Bro, it's goof-a-clock right now."

"The moon already isn't real."

"You think I can't kill a fuckin' banana?"

"That was a little too much rage for a potassium transportation device. I didn't mean it. You full of electrolytes."

"I'm gonna eat pizza because I like the sauce on the pizza with the cheese on the pizza."

"I could not have killed him any harder."

"Don't make me make you say some out of pocket shit."

"I've been saying out of pocket shit all day."

"By sheer artillery alone, we should have tunneled our way to Atlantis by now."

"Yo, I don't know the Tom & Jerry lore, fuck you!"

"What if you wanted to go to heaven but God said to you, 'WE'RE GONNA TRY THIS WEEK'S CRUMBL COOKIE MENU'?"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE TINNITUS, WHAT?"

"Is this like punching someone in the dark? Is it like a legal loophole?"

"There's only one of me in all the world. I am one in a krillion."

"If you're a chest sleeper, you're just a fuckin' psychopath, alright?"

[autisticlancemcclain]

prev chapter

———

One thing about fights that are fought in their lions, at least, is that they always feel safer. They’re still life-threatening, of course. And in fact they lost Shiro for months in a lion-fight. But there’s still something innately more comforting about being surrounded by an armoured war machine, and said war machine offering a comforting mental presence in the back of your head, compared to fighting face-to-face with people three times your size who have a penchant for blood. 

There’s the added bonus of difference, too, that’s helping Keith calm down. He’s still pretty high-strung, and he still keeps a carefully eye on Lance and Red, but there’s enough of a visible difference between today’s mission and the mission in his nightmare that he feels slightly less like he’s going to throw up. 

“Head in the game, Mullet!” Lance crows, startling the hell out of him. “I’m beating you 32-20! What, are you shooting with your eyes closed?”

“That would be a pretty good score, in that case,” Keith says, and for the first time in hours and hours a smile tugs on his cheeks. Figures, that Lance is the one who can put it back on his face. 

“Oh, yeah right. Pay attention, dork. Or don’t. If I smoke you again then I’m the winner this week, and you are beholden to me.”

There’s a scoff over the comms. “Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be so sad about that.”

“Can it, Pidge,” Keith snaps, scowling. God, nothing like an annoying sibling to take your mind off everything. 

Lance laughs, though, and it wipes the grouch right off Keith’s face. “Mhm, he is kind of obsessed with me, huh? Loves to give me special treatment. I’m simply that irresistible, aren’t I, Samurai?”

“The only part of me that is irresistibly attracted to you is my fist to your face.”

“Okay, dearest. Whatever you say.”

Keith rolls his eyes, face still flushed, and refocuses on shooting ships out of the sky. He manages to shoot one seconds before Lance’s laser hits it, filling his comms with angry Spanish cussing. 

“What’s wrong, Sharpshooter?” Keith taunts. “Not fast enough?”

“Eat my bullets, you doo-doo head!”

“Doo-doo head? Are you seven?”

“Seven seconds away from astral projecting into your lion and smacking the shit out of you –”

“Alright, Luke and Lorelei,” Hunk says drily, “I’d love it if we could maybe focus on killing space Nazis and not on whatever the hell you two are doing.”

Keith can hear the pout in Lance’s voice. “Mean. You ruin all my fun, Hunky.”

“Yeah, yeah. Focus.”

They do cut the banter, though. Slowly but surely, they reduce the swarm, picking off the fleet ship by ship, driving them away from this planet for the first time in what’s probably been centuries. Keith really starts to feel light, finally. The nightmare is already fading to the vestiges of his mind, Lance is fine, and they’re wrapping things up. Maybe tonight he and Allura can spar. There’s nothing like getting his ass beat concave to get his mind off any possible stress.

The worst part about it is that no one knows exactly when it happened. There’s space for banter on missions like these, of course there is. They’re not sitting in miserable and stressed silence unless it’s real bad. But they’re also focused on their own shit. Shooting lasers really isn’t as easy as it looks. One second they’re clearing the last few dozen ships. Then Hunk is calling out a warning for a Zaiforge cannon. Then they hear it fire. 

It’s – Keith doesn’t look. He’s spent the whole fucking mission with a half-eye on Lance, terrified, but the Zaiforge cannon fires and he doesn’t look? He doesn’t fucking look? 

“Fuckin’ – finally,” Shiro mutters. “God, they do not give up. Everyone good?”

“Ugh,” Hunk groans. 

“I’m going to sleep for nineteen hours,” Pidge agrees.

“It wasn’t too horrible,” Allura tries.

“No, it sucked,” Keith says, finally allowing himself to collapse back into his seat. He waits for Lance’s inevitable teasing, his agreement with Allura – he always agrees with her, especially when she disagrees with Keith, because he thinks he’s funny – but it…doesn’t come. 

Keith sits ramrod straight. “Lance?” he shouts, and there’s no masking the desperate fear in his voice. “Lance, come in!”

He hears a choked noise come over the comm. A wave of déjà vù is so intense it’s like a bucket of ice water dumped over his head. 

He ducks his head, bowed, chin trembling.

He’s never prayed before. Not once in his life.

“Please.” A chill ripples down his spine. “Please,” he begs, choking on a sob. “Please, please, please.”

When he finds the strength to look up, into the space in front of him, littered in debris from their fight, he sees Red.

Parts of her. In pieces. Her leg, a claw, her jawbone. 

There’s not even a body for them to recover.

———

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