#it’s now 11:30 at night
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I haven’t had a dream this traumatising in a while
#love it when my own brain traumatises itself#so basically I was being gangstalked by 3 men#and the broke into my backyard and killed 2 people that I couldn’t identify and a dog about the size of a human head#like gunshot wounds to all three of them#full puddles of blood and brain matter coming out of all 3 of them#like not even saw could do it justice#anyway#my brain tried to blur it out in a way#like when you’re watching YouTube crime documentaries and they blur the crime scene photos#it was like that#but I could still see straight through it#so anyway I was the one to find them#and I had the responsibility of keeping my brother away from the backyard#and then my nan comes down and sees the scene#grabs one of the shirts at the scene and chucks it in the bin#and I go ‘nan you gotta give that to the police’#and she just says ‘don’t bother’#and then I woke up#I’ve been thinking about this dream since 8:30 ish this morning#it’s now 11:30 at night
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One last hug for good luck, and then...
(Patch was a refugee, I don't know who tf Stanley was. Also in memory of Vance, who isn't dead, but was cool while he lasted. Less in memory of Curly, that guy sucked.)
The end.
I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Thanks for sticking with the gang until the end! May Ecthuctu smile upon you ❤️
Not pictured here - Toddler Gangster and Baby Butternut
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The Animist Alliance
A Mechanitor's Message
#rimworld#gracie plays#The Children of Ecthuctu#art#my art#traditional art#rimworld art#unpolished art#slightly more polished ar than usual#I launched the ship last night at about 11:30#and hoo boy let me tell you#I do NOT recommend finishing rimworld colonies you're attached to when you're tired#I cried like a baby#stupid video game making me feel things#ugh#At least I know I enjoyed it if nothing else#but now I can play Anomaly at last!!#I'm very excited#hopefully you'll stick around for the next rimworld series#thank you all for being here#I love you#have a beautiful day <3 <3 <3
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i had a moment
#my art#genshin impact#nahida#umm happy nahida rerun everybody#started this at 11:30 last night in a haze and stayed up way too late working on it#and now i have a headache#but. worth it#id in alt#haha wow tumblr SLAUGHTERED the quality on this one#i will try to fix that later
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Honestly real sick of everyone seeming to be ok with wasting other people's time
#i have a friend coming over and he promised to get here nice and early so we could hang out since hes only.staying one night#said he would leave at 9. ended up leaving at 11:30#then he picked someone up and they took ages getting ready too#so i was expecting him to be almost here by now and im sitting here waiting and hes still two fucking hours away#and ive just had lots of that shit in the last few days and im so tired of it#people just not realizing how much theyre inconveniencing people. not being considerate at all. not thinking of others#it pisses me off
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i made fried eggplant! and i only burned myself with hot oil once!
#food cw#never made this before never even fried anything before i dont think lol#they taste Fine#also despite the cheese topping i otherwise used egg replacement and gluten free breading/flour so hopefully easier on my stomach lll#*lol#ive been trying to be more gluten free lately and its helping#anyway this was at 1 am last night now im at work at 11:30 am and im tired lol
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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end
#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask#december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery#and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc#and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh#every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night#oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes#and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester#and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu#oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well#and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also#pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc#so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal#honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know#like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc#but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated#also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm#is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is#incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship#so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year#at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately#i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new#my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper#and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been#like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare#idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling#and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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Turns out I'm gonna miss next dynamite because of work but at least I have a job 🥲
#still sad tho because.. ITS FRIGHT NIGHT.......#ok now i gotta decide if im gonna end up. staying up to watch it as soon as i get home#because im literally working from 6:30-11 pm (*_*)
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nothing ruins my mood more than seeing that i'm scheduled to close
#UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#it's in two weeks lmfao but still#and i'm the idiot here bc maaan i have class the very next day quite early too#i could've told management hey don't schedule me at night anymore bc of school but like :p me being me (an idiot)#didn't because i felt like i had already given them so many 'buts' so they could've been like damn do u still want the job or nah#so i didn't mention not wanting to work nights#and now it finally happened#euuuurghhh. like it says til 10:30 but i just fucking know we'll end up going home at 11:30#plus the commute. i want to shrimp meself <- the guy that always worries WAY ahead of time#sorry. they call me the complainer
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just when i was celebrating not having to go to work tonight..........now i might have to go in. at 10pm. i just wanted to fucking drink tonight 😭😭😭
#UGH FUCK i hate this job#as i typed that now it's a little up in the air#cause my employee who's there right now was like 'they might run till 1am'#then i call her and talk to the production lead and he says 10:30 and she said she could stay till 11#so idk where the fuck she got 1am from and i feel bad cause i couldn't hide my frustration#but i'm not gonna let my department get blamed for not being there when needed#even if that means i ruin my saturday night and sleeping schedule to go in for a few hours#and not get paid for it cause i'm salary#(something i kinda like...guilted my staff about when i was trying to get someone to work next saturday)#(but they need to understand i can only bend over backwards so far before i break)#(when they're the ones who get the extra money for going in)#and i mean i could still have a drink or two tonight....#i did give my tech a deadline of 9pm to tell me if i need to go in#mk's work woes
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MY LIFE IS NOT REAL WHAT IS GOING ON
#GUYS#so for context before i get into the storytime i currently live at home with my mom and brother#and my mom came into my room at like 10:30 and said ‘i need you to go downstairs and be the adult right now because i can’t deal with this’#(my mom is 54 and i’m 20 but sure i’ll be the adult???)#so basically. my brother (13) gave our fucking address to some random person on discord who claims to be 11 but who the fuck knows#keep in mind my brother was born in 2011 so he’s grown up with the internet his whole life#and he’s been told countless times by my entire family not to give out personal information online but he has done it multiple times#anyway he says he and his friends from school have been talking to this ‘kid’ on discord for like a year#and none of them know him irl bc he lives in rhode island or something but they’ve apparently been on video calls with him and seen his face#so there’s a good chance he actually is a kid but i personally don’t trust anything online anymore so i’m not totally convinced#but anyway he apparently sent my brother what looked like a youtube link but when he clicked on it it gave this kid his ip address#i have no idea how that shit works or if that’s possible but that’s what he’s saying#and then my brother was arguing with this kid bc i guess he’s racist?? and the kid was like ‘just remember i have your address’#and my brother is being super vague about everything but i guess the kid implied he was going to send a swat team to our house or some shit#so my brother freaked out and called the cops and since my mom wanted me to be the adult i had to go sit downstairs and wait for them#and let me tell you it was so fucking embarrassing standing there while my brother told the cop this insane story#and while my brother was inside getting his phone the cop asked me ‘so what’s the deal do you think this is legit or just kids talking shit’#like bro don’t ask me i have no idea what the fuck is going on and i’m so sorry you had to come to our house to deal with this 😭#anyway he’s going to file a report so if the cops get a call anytime soon about a murder or something happening at our house—#—they’ll call me or my mom to ask what’s going on and make sure it’s not this fucking kid from rhode island swatting us#so that was my night! what the fuck#i’ve never regretted moving back home more than i do right now#lj.txt
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last night daddy told me the reason he prefers using his hands rather than a dildo is bc he can feel my cervix lower when i'm abt to cum. apparently i like it when he cups his fingers around it (i was not aware of this but i'm not aware of much when i'm abt to cum so that tracks fjdjsks)
anyway, getting rid of every dildo we own now, that's the hottest thing anyone has ever said to me. i feel so intimately known and loved and i'm so fucking in love with him 🥰
#you ever get so overwhelmed with love you want to throw up?#yeah#also we fucked from like 11-2:30 last night and then again from like 11-12:30 today i feel dizzy#in a good way#i was supposed to be working this morning tho so like. gotta try to get some stuff done now 😬
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YES I have work in the morning and YES I'm scrolling through tumblr too late for my own good and NO I probably WON'T do the right thing and go to bed soon and there's NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME!!!
#if I go to bed now how will I churn out the absolute Bangers you guys know and love?#I can't deprive you of that loves <3#it's only like 11:30 it's chill#sleep#night owl
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i’m so fucking pissed rn
#my dad was supposed to pick me up at a club where a fundraiser concert was held for the strike group i’m with#and then he said oh yeah i have my own concert that night and i’ll just leave early#which made ME feel bad even though HE forgot so i said oh i can stay for the afterparty#show ends at 10:30 afterparty goes to 11. easy.#well his concert goes long so at 11 he texts me and says the encore just happened. okay. what the fuck whatever#but the other folks on my team are still there so i say alright what’s your eta?#and he says 30-35 minutes. MIND YOU when he mentioned his concert it ‘wasn’t a problem’ because it was close. that’s not close even in la#AND THEN. he says stuck in traffic. like. okay??#at this point the other folks in my org are leaving but one of our partners is still there so i’m sitting by their table and my dad says ok#12:05 is when i’ll get there. which mind you is an hour and five minutes AFTER the RESCHEDULED pickup time#you will notice it is past 12:05 now and he is still not here and i am stick at this outdoor club with#too loud music and so many cigarettes and vapes and he’s still not here yet. and i’m so. so fucking annoyed#and when he first offered to pick me up from stuff in general i thought that was nice. but boom whaddayaknow#this bullshit.#AND I CANT GET AN UBER BECAUSE THEYRE 70 FUCKING DOLLARS#and public transit is a) dangerous at night b) shut down at midnight and c) would have taken an hour and a half#if you read all this i’m smoochin u sorry
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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My brain is. Absolutely buzzing with fic ideas right now and last night I started on a new one because I felt like i had to at least get the premise down before I lost it, but now I'm nearly 6k words in and oh no I don't have time to get another longfic wip going.... I'm 140k words deep into two other longfics right now 😭 I want to get into it, but I have too many stories fighting for attention in my head and this won't end well if I hop between them all bc I want to finish something for once. Ahhhh!!! Darn you limited time.
#It's about to get so much more limited because I'm starting 6 day a week FFXIV prog on Monday#technically I started last night (so I was up until 11:30pm writing the first 2k words of this...) but we have today off bc I have a concer#and like. getting off work at 3:30 if i then have 3 hours of prog. an hour to make dinner. 30-40 minutes to walk/run/exercise#that's not enough time to get out many words of fic. not if i want to do other enjoyable things with my life#so my productivity is going to tank.#so far my daily average wordcount for may has been over 3k which is insane. but i haven't had raid in ffxiv this so far this month#so that means a lot more time to write. as in 3 more hours per night to write. not that i usually write for 3hrs#but still. you get the gist of it. it's also 3 hours i'm not sitting at my computer so it's easier on the body to sit at the comp and write#anyway for anyone who is reading these tags for a mysterious reason. 1) hi. 2) this is. you probably guessed it. a dmc fic#this one is based on the vergil time travel idea that spaceacerat proposed. there are so many ways it could go but-#-this is one that would take place right before sparda leaves so sparda is still there and vergil has to convince him not to go#the thing there is i'm not really sure how it would end...in my other time travel fic i DO have an explanation for how sparda died#but i developed it specifically for that fic and it would not work for a happy ending in this fic. which i'd like to have#that fic also takes place after sparda's gone so. y'know.#but yeah i...as i'm writing this i now have somewhat of an idea for an ending but it's. bittersweet? maybe? hmmm#but yeah! never underestimate my love for time travel fics it's my favorite trope of all time. has been since i met trunks dbz as a kid.#erurandomness#erubabbles
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