#it’s like 199 degrees when your doing it with me

[thefirstpaleontologist]

the songs Hot To Go by Chappell Roan and Ice Cream by Jeon Somi are holding hands. to me

like that is dinner and dessert baby

[hearts4golbach]

Heyyy so i was wondering if you could do a hansumfella smut and him and reader have been friends for a while and streamed together a few times but they have a lot of sexual tension and they were at jake and johnnie’s st pattys party and after the party they uber to her place and act on the tension 😇🙏🏼 and maybe a little kinky if ur okay with that 🥰😝🤞

199 Degrees!

"You don't have to stare, come here, get with it! no one's touched me there in a damn hot minute!"

a/n:

inspired by Chappell Roans song 'HOT TO GO!' What is it with me and chappell roan inspired fics? FELLA IS TALKING TO SOMEONE??

proofread.

warnings:

smut 18+, oral sex (f receiving), penetration w/o protection (use protection, please cause i know you're not over 18), choking, hair pulling.

word count:

1.8k

"Tyler, I swear to god, if you're not here in the next 30 seconds, I'm going to kill you." You rambled on the phone. "I've never been invited to one of Jake and Johnnies' parties. We can not be late." you emphasized before putting him on speaker as you slipped your shoes on. 

"i'm driving as fast as i can without it being illegal, y/n." he laughed. you could hear the smile in his voice as he spoke to you. "I'll be there in literally a minute."

"Good, i'll meet you outside." you responded before hanging up. you stared at yourself in the mirror as you made sure you looked perfect. you only wanted Tyler's eyes on you, but you'd never admit that aloud. 

your dress was emerald green. it met your mid thigh and had a slit. it was low-cut and revealed your cleavage perfectly. you gently nodded to yourself before heading out the front door. Tyler's car pulled up right after you. "Hey, pretty lady." he greeted as he rolled his window down. 

"Hello, handsome fella." you teased, using his stream name. a light blush spread across his face. he loved it when you used his stage name. you quickly jumped into the passenger seat. "When was the last time we went to a party together?" You pondered aloud. 

"damn, i don't even remember." Tyler reached over and felt the fabric of your dress. he gently squeezed your thigh before pulling away. "i really like how this dress looks on you."

you squeezed your thighs together. "Thank you. i love your outfit choice, too." You gestured to his outfit. 

there was tension the rest of the drive over. your eyes wandered down Tyler's body, thinking about all of the things that he could do to you in that very moment. you snapped out of your trance whenever he announced the two of you had arrived at the party. 

he opened the passenger door for you. your face began to heat up once more at the kind gesture. you wrapped your arm around his bicep, tangling your limbs together. 

"we should find Jake and Johnnie, i wanna say hi." you mentioned. it was their party, after all. 

he cleared his throat. "Yeah, let's go."

you let go of his arm as you walked forward. you stood in your tippy toes as you walked, trying to get a better view of everyone. 

"they're over here," Tyler interrupted, wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you the other way. your heart was beating out of your chest. his hand stayed on your waist as you walked up to Jake and Johnnie.

"Oh, hey, y/n and tyler." Johnnie greeted as he turned around. Jake turned to face you as well.

"Hey, guys. this shit is packed." You laughed. Jakes eyes grazed over your body as you spoke. Tyler noticed and pulled your little closer to himself possessively. 

"i know, right?" jake smiled. "This shits packed."

"Okay," Tyler let out a fake laugh. "Well, we're going to go see who else is scattered around." Tyler said bye before pulling you away. 

"Hey, what's the matter?" you asked. "Did something happen?"

he shook his head. "No, sorry, i- i'll tell you about it later." he brushed it off.

the rest of the night was fun. you and Tyler decided against drinking, even though you snuck in a shot. Tyler's hands never left you the whole party. you caught him staring, but you were as well. over the coarse of the party, the heat in between your legs began to grow unbearable. 

as if Tyler could read your thoughts, he leaned down in your ear so only you could hear him. "You wanna go back to my place?" he asked suggestively. 

you hummed in response. he interlocked his fingers with yours and began to walk towards the exit. you held back your excitement the best you could as you climbed into the passenger seat. 

there was an uncomfortable silence during the drive. your leg shook gently as you anticipated Tyler's next moves. he kept glancing at you, scoping out your body as he thought about all of the dirty things he was going to do to you if you let him. 

he parked and climbed out of the car. he opened the door for you once again. you stood up and brushed your dress off. whenever you looked at Tyler, his lips met yours. you closed your eyes as you melted into the kiss. 

he pressed you against the car as he deepened the kiss. you wrapped your ames around his neck in an attempt to pull him closer. "Let's go inside." he muttered against your lips. 

you stumbled over each other giddily as you approached the front door. Tyler's shaky hands made quick work with the door. "Thank god my sister isn't here right now." he joked and lifted you up.

you wrapped your legs around his waist, sucking and kissing on his neck as he led you to his bedroom. "i've been waiting for you to make a move for so long." You emphasized between kisses. 

he placed you on his bed and crawled on top of you. "I've always thought you were so fucking perfect." he muttered against your skin. his hands roamed your body as he searched for your zipper. his lips moved against yours feverishly as he unzipped your dress, sliding it off and throwing it onto the floor. 

his lips moved to your neck, sucking and kissing as you spoke. "i wish i had made a move sooner." 

he muttered an agreement against your neck. his shirt and pants were next to go, hitting the floor with your dress. your hands traced over his bare chest, his skin was soft against your fingers. he took his time with you, his hands running across every inch of you as he kissed down your abdomen. you tangled your fingers in his curly hair gently.

he pulled at your panties before looking up at you. "this okay?"

you nodded, pulling your lip between your teeth as he slid your panties off. he kissed along your inner thigh and towards your aching cunt. he licked a stripe up your pussy, his tongue flicking your clit. you moaned quietly, your legs twitching at the contact.

his hands held your thighs as he sucked your clit. his tongue ran through your folds, collecting all of your juices. he savored the taste of you on his tongue. you tossed your head back as you moaned. his tongue danced around your aching cunt expertly.

"you taste so fucking good," he muttered, the vibrations sending chills all over your body. "i need to feel you."

he pulled your legs, dragging you to the edge of the bed. He crawled up in between your legs and began pepper ring kisses along your neck. You whimpered at the sudden loss of contact. "please, Tyler." you ran your fingers through his hair, tugging gently.

"fuck," he growled against your neck. His hands bales to his belt, ripping it off before tugging his pants down. His strong hands gripped your thigh eagerly as he positioned himself between your legs.

his tip teased your entrance as you wiggled underneath his touch. he let out a soft grunt as he slowly thrusted inside of you. you searched the bed for something to grip onto, digging your fingers into the sheets. 

his thrusts were sweet and slow, but so desperate. one hand reached up towards your cheek, rubbing it gently as he sped up his thrusts. you moaned out his name, begging him to go faster. 

he obeyed your wishes. "you feel so good, mama." his hand moved down to your throat, squeezing it gently as his thrusts grew faster

your eyes rolled into the back of your head as the tip of his cock repeatedly hit your G spot. he whispered sweet praises to you in his deep husked voice. strings of curses mixed with Tyler's name spewed out of your mouth as you lost yourself in the pleasure.

"i always knew you'd take me so fucking well," his grip on your neck grew tighter. raspy moans slipped from your lips as you felt more aroused by his comment. 

he released his grip on your neck. he pulled out and you ached from the loss of contact. your pussy clenched around nothing, which turned Tyler on further. 

"flip over, I'm not done yet baby." he ran his fingers through your messy hair before helping you get onto all fours. 

he spread your legs further before thrusting back inside of you at a punishing pace.

you moaned loud as he filled you up. he tangled his fingers in your hair while the other rested on your hip. he pulled back softly, as to not hurt you but to apply just enough pressure. 

"does that feel good, love?" he asked breathlessly, pressing all of the right buttons inside of you. 

"yes, fuck yes." you whimpered, the top half of your body collapsing onto the bed. 

"that's it, ma." he thrusted faster inside of you, his breaths staggered. 

"im so close," you muttered, your voice muffled by the comforter. "oh, shit!"

"that's it, y/n. cum around my cock." he mumbled. you could hear the smirk in his voice.

the knot in your stomach snapped as you exploded around his cock. you rested against the bed, trying to catch your breath. 

he pulled out and came on your back after helping you ride out your high. 

he leaned over you and pressed a kiss into your shoulder. "im going to go get a towel to clean you up." he mentioned. the content smile on his face made you smile aswell. 

he came back with a damp wash rag. he gently cleaned up your sore cunt and back. he plopped down onto the bed and pulled you close before pulling the covers over the two of you. 

"does that mean you're my girlfriend now?" he chuckled.

"Duh.”

[edith-is-a-cat]

i could be the one or your new addiction

its all in my head but i want non fiction

i dont want the world but ill take this city

who can blame a girl call me hot not pretty!

baby dont you like this beat

i made it so you'd dance with me

it like 199 degrees

when you're doing it with me doing it with me

H O T T O G O

snap and clap and touch your toes

raise your hands now body roll

dance it out and you're hot to go

H O T T O G O

H-O-T-T-O-G-O

YOU CAN TAKE ME HOT TO GO

I woke up alone staring at my ceiling

I try not to care but it hurts my feelings

you don't have to stare come here get with it

no ones touched me there in a damn hot minute

and baby do you like this beat

i made it so you'd sleep with me

its like 199 degrees

when you're doing it with me doing it with me

[natdrinkstea]

I ‼️COULD BE THE ONE 🙋OR YOUR NEW ADDICTION 💊🫵 IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD 🤯🧠BUT I WANT 🎁🤲NONFICTION 📚📝I DON'T 🙅👎WANT THE WORLD 🌎BUT I'LL TAKE 🤏THIS CITY 🌆✨WHO CAN BLAME A GIRL 🤷❓👩CALL ME HOT 🥵🔥NOT PRETTY 🎀👗BABY 🍼 DO YOU LIKE👍THIS BEAT 🎶🎵 I MADE IT 🔨 SO YOU'D DANCE 💃🪩WITH ME 🤝👯 IT'S LIKE 199 DEGREES 🥵🥵☀️ WHEN YOU'RE DOIN' IT WITH ME! 💖 DOIN' IT WITH ME! 💖💖

[talenlee]

A Year of Blahaj

You know I feel like I don’t talk about my work enough. Or rather that now as part of a sprawling internet presence that covers a bunch of different platforms and front ends, I don’t feel like I talk that much about the individual components of that very often. I rarely reflect on what I’ve done and how good a job I did doing it, whatever it was. Which is funny because when I’m looking for stuff to write about, it seems a pretty obvious thing to do, because I’m one of the topics I have complete control over and can’t get copyright struck over. After all, things I create, myself, are entirely and surely under my control and I don’t have to worry about things like copyright law for my own work, right?

Right?

Let’s talk about this blahaj sticker I drew.

This sticker, which you can buy at Redbubble, if you want, and if you see me at a convention you probably can buy one off me for a dollar, too. It’s a fun little sticker!

The original genesis for the Blahaj sticker was a joke I remembered making on twitter. I’m not linking the source material any more, but it was a joke I made, off-handedly, as with many one-off jokes I made on the regular. It was like many such jokes on twitter, where it was both made into an open space where anyone could see it, and also, made without much forethought. I threw it out there and off it went, and a thousand retweets and six thousands like later, I thought that it was a funny idea, and I should do something with it.

I doodled it in my notebook, then took a photo of that doodle. I sent the photo to my copy of GIMP, then used the vector pen tool to simplify the design, which is how I make most of my ‘drawing’ designs. When the drawing was done, I coloured a few versions and put it up on Redbubble for people to buy, imagining that it would be, like many of my other designs, something someone would say ‘oh I want that on a shirt’ and then never bought the shirt.

How’d that work out?

Well, one year later, here’s how it looks:

I sold 278 designs across the year. Of those, 199 of the designs sold are of Blahaj, and of those, 189 of the designs are the trans flag design of Blahaj. It’s not quite ⅔ of my sales, but pretty close. It would not be inappropriate to say that my Redbubble store sells Blahaj stickers. For perspective my next most popular designs are Cassowary and my Demon Core design, which each sold five products in a year.

This is pretty cool, I made a joke, people liked it, I drew a thing based on that joke, and people liked it, and people bought it.

Cool!

Right?

Right?

That’s it, right?

Well, no of course it’s not it, because my joke, made in a vacuum, was not made in a vacuum. Just in the same way that several hundred thousand people all made the joke ‘But Doctor, I am Dril,’ because we all love a good Pagliacci joke, I was not the first person to make a ‘friend of blahaj’ joke. Turns out somone else had, too, and that person was a trans woman with a much smaller following.

And it didn’t go viral when she did it.

I hadn’t seen it, I didn’t know about it, but the thing is, people she knew did see my tweet, and shared them and that result was getting to see, months later, some stranger – a boy, no less – being retweeted making the joke she did. She was, naturally, upset by this, and pretty reasonably, at first, thought that I had copied her.

There’s a science to how tweet virality works. Or rather, there’s a science to how tweet virality couldn’t work. If you have zero followers, your tweets won’t go viral, because the network of people around you are limited. This is a thing my classmates learned the awkward way. Back in the class, we were trying to make something digital as a product, like a podcast or a web gallery or something like that. What one group wanted to make was, as part of their marketing degree, a ‘viral tweet.’ They took a picture of one of our professors and shared it to their twitter account and then instructed the rest of the class to retweet it.

Now, this didn’t mean anything. This didn’t go anywhere, because that classroom was full of students who had exactly as many followers on twitter as were contained in that studio, minus the ones they thought were icky. This was not connecting to anyone or anything with a broad following, no way to escape the environment of the small community they had. I know that when I was sharing tweets, if I didn’t have a ‘big’ follower near me, or a chain of follows to a big follower, I wasn’t ever going to get my stuff in front of a large enough number of people.

Anyway, it’s just one of those things that twitter promises, numbers and values and the way our brains respond to them. Either way, it meant my goofy tweet, and the image associated with it, made someone feel shitty. And even if it wasn’t what actually happened, it’s still a pattern that so often happens: Someone monetising the work of trans people.

I wound up talking to her and buying her a pizza. Since falling off twitter, I don’t know what’s going on with her. I hope she’s doing okay.

But!

It did make me mindful that sure, while this is a joke I made and art I made and then art I converted into a saleable form, this is still a product that is ultimately about and for the trans community. And sometimes, the money it’s made has been useful for paying for things like food and rent, and that’s not a small matter, but sometimes it’s sold really well and I’ve had, functionally, just… well, money that I would normally spend on something like a board game or whatever.

In deference to the community that’s responsible for the joke, and that inspired the art, I gave a chunk of the Blahaj money to a queer-as-in-not-made-up-of-cis-gay-men anarchist co-op I trust. I didn’t give it to a charity with a big name, because I know those are often fraught with bad experiences for people and I didn’t want to give it to just some random ‘queer’ project because those so often are thoughtless outputs for people who can raise money. I wasn’t giving a lot so I wanted to maximise it.

Make no mistake, by the way: I was trying to buy away guilt that didn’t make sense. I know I haven’t done anything wrong, and I also think that artists getting paid for their art is good. It’s not even non-queer creators monetising queer work, because I’m a queer artist. There are a lot of justifications I could give for how I shouldn’t feel guilty.

But I do.

So, sometimes I spend this money on other people who I know have it harder than I do because of their access to things based on how their gender is valued in our society. I can’t say it’s an incredibly well reasoned moral framework and I don’t even know if it makes me feel better but I think it’s part of the story of this sticker I drew. How apparently, the ‘support’ this sticker offers, the art made for people who wanted it, is in my mind, is Just More Cis Bullshit.

Thanks for buying my sticker if you liked it.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[pixelgrotto]

Adventure Paths & Strategy Guides

Those of you who keep track of this blog may have noticed that my updates have dried up since September. I have a good reason for this, because I got a new fulltime job writing for Rock Paper Shotgun. Yep, that's right - after originally starting Pixel Grotto back in 2013 because I couldn't get a job working at a video game media outlet, finally my path has come full circle. It only took a decade!

This turn of events coincides with a lot of other stuff in my life. In the past year, I've gotten married, moved from the US to the UK with my wife, and been freelancing in the tabletop RPG space all the while. In fact, my first published TTRPG work is now out in the wild in the form of Pathfinder Adventure Path #198 - With No Breath To Cry. Go grab a PDF (or physical copy) if you can, since I wrote some creepy lore about a new demon vaguely influenced by Chinese yaoguai and Japanese yokai, not to mention all sorts of Asian horror movies. I'm actually more pleased with my contributions to Pathfinder Adventure Path #199, but that doesn't come out until January. Keep your eyes peeled for it though!

Needless to say, this has probably been the most hectic and life-changing year I've gone through since 2018, when I moved from Hong Kong back to the US. And as 2023 comes to a close, I'm feeling reflective. I compare myself with others a lot, and much of my life has been spent looking at the accomplishments of people around me and feeling like I don't measure up. While I still do this to varying degrees, I suppose I can finally acknowledge that two of the goals I've always had - 1) to work in the gaming industry to some capacity, and 2) to see my writing published - have manifested in 2023. If I could venture back to 2013 when I started this blog (with a post about eating dumplings while playing Final Fantasy XII, no less) and tell my old self what he'd be up to a decade later, younger Jeremy would be chuffed.

That's another thing of note: as of this past October, Pixel Grotto turned a decade old. Technically, the site is even older than that, since prior to Pixel Grotto, I used this Tumblr for a blog dubbed Aqua Headphones that was sort of a mixture of personal ramblings combined with reblogs of whatever I found cool on the internet at the time. Since then, I've written an awful lot about video games, which led to writing about tabletop games, which led to working in both fields in a professional capacity.

It's surreal to examine my goals and observe how they unfolded in unusual ways. My original desire to work in games media came from the childhood magazines that I loved - Computer Gaming World and Electronic Gaming Monthly - and when those went the way of the dodo, I became a journalist with the sly hope that maybe one day I'd get a job working at Kotaku or something. But I finally got my gaming gig not at an American site, but a British one. And I'm writing guides, which is not something I initially envisioned myself doing. It's tricky work where we often have the chase the reins of the most popular franchises (I now know more about Modern Warfare 3 guns than I ever imagined I would), but it's also fun, since it reminds me of days spent perusing GameFAQs and leafing through physical strategy guides, several of which I still own. Versus Books' Final Fantasy VII and Ocarina of Time Perfect Guides remain on my shelf alongside Prima's Quest for Glory guides and Peter Spear's The King's Quest Companion...and while I can't do my current work in the same format of these gems (many of which were "novelizations," a style of guide writing I really miss), it does feel trippy to be following in their footsteps.

I could say the same thing about getting my words published. As a kid, I forever wanted to pen the next great fantasy novel. And while I've got more than a few discarded novel drafts sitting on my hard drive, the field of fantasy fiction isn't the one that's bearing my first printed work. Instead, it's modules and supplementary books in the fantasy tabletop gaming space - a space that has let me develop and externalize some of the plots and characters that have been gestating in my head since childhood. To a certain extent, that childhood desire to be the next great Tolkien has lessened as a result of this, and I can't say I'm displeased. I'm also happy that my first published work has been in a Pathfinder Adventure Path, because once again thinking about magazines, Adventure Paths remain one of the few remaining publications in the TTRPG space that bear some resemblance to old issues of Dragon magazine, and the nostalgia makes me happy.

I don't like to spend much time on this blog talking about myself, because there are always new ways to incite comparison to others and activate the inferiority complex in my brain. But at the end of a very long 2023 and on the tenth anniversary of the name "Pixel Grotto," I feel like it's necessary. As we move on to year eleven, I'll continue to make posts as long as my schedule permits it - after all, I can't let this blog fall to the wayside seeing as how its existence contributed a great deal to the opportunities that I now enjoy!

[disappointedfacesofyourpeers]

five six seven eight

i could be a monk for a new religion

more than for the lord and the crucifixion

i dont want your help I don't want your pity

i want muppet hole to make it sticky

oh kermy do you like this beat

I'd made it so you'd mupp with me

ifs like a 199 degrees

when you're doing it with me

doing it with me

M U P P E T S

i would kill for muppet sex

Five, six!

Five, six, seven, eight!

[self-loving-vampire]

🍍

get pineappled (affectionate)

oh i just found the thing asking people to put fruits for stuff

uh uh get unpinappled

anyway 🍉

If I was a character in a dating sim, my bond levels would actually be kind of like this:

Bond Failed (Bond Points went below -100): This is a category that includes people I don't really trust or that I have concluded I don't enjoy interacting with. I still hold no real hostility towards them or anything but prefer to avoid people who descend to this stage.

Stranger (BP between -99 and 99): I'm not overly interested in strangers. Ever since the empathy loss most people feel kind of dead and separate from me by default. Like they live as completely different existences from myself.

I typically don't go out of my way to interact with people in this category but don't really mind it if they want to talk to me either (at least online).

Tier 1 Bond (BP between 100 and 199): This category is composed of people I somewhat know and have had some positive interactions with. At this point I have begun to make more complex models of what their interests and personalities are but don't really spend much time thinking about them when not currently interacting.

Long-term mutuals are often in this category, especially if they talk about themselves enough for me to get more of an idea of what they're like (this doesn't necessarily require them to reveal anything really personal either).

At the higher ends of this I might agree to interact on discord.

Tier 2 Bond (BP between 200 and 299): This stage goes a bit beyond acquaintance and into something more like friendship. If we are not talking on discord yet I might also bring that up.

At this point it's also more likely that I'll start tagging you in things that I think you might enjoy or passively sharing other stuff I come across.

However, other than that I may still not be that good at initiating conversations at this stage.

Tier 3 Bond (BP between 300 and 399): At this point you're kind of an established friend and can expect regular communication. Depending on how much we're interacting at the time you could maybe even expect to be greeted when you get up and tucked to bed when you have to sleep.

I will likely also introduce you to some of my other friends at this point if I haven't already, and will become far more capable of just talking even without a clear topic in mind.

It's also possible that I'll try to play games with you at this stage.

Tier 4 Bond (BP between 400 and 499): I don't make much of a distinction between close friends and romantic partners, and this is the stage at which that starts to become apparent (but it isn't always a factor, it is also possible to reach this point without such feelings emerging). While I try to be nice and considerate regardless of bond level, there may be some real affection at this stage (if you reach it, which is not really guaranteed for everyone).

I think about people in this category often and try to incorporate them into what I do to some degree, even if just by telling them about it.

By this point we probably know each other very well and I value your presence a lot. It often takes a while to get here and few people have this much compatibility.

Tier 5 Bond (500+ BP): Members of my harem are generally in this category, as are my oldest extant friends. These people mean everything to me and many of them have helped me survive through some very dangerous and painful things.

I feel very connected to these people even though I still don't feel empathy for them. I always do my best to make them happy and support them.

Master: He is in his own category. He is the one who gave me my life, not only in the sense that he physically saved me but also in the sense that he ultimately did more than anyone to reanimate me when I was "dead". Even now he is really what keeps me going.

I live for him and his goals are my goals.

[elven-child]

relistening to 197 made some of my old thoughts resurface because

(id in alt text)

it's the way she never says "we were sure you'd end the world" outright (hell, she doesn't even address him by "you", she speaks to him in third person) that always made me wonder if it was a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, and nothing more that another manipulation

up until then, Jon was doing better and better with his guilt. he stood for himself, even, when Basira accused him in 177, and literally said he was used by Jonah to Georgie in 190. which is MILES better than he was at the beginning of season 5.

but the Web needs him feeling guilty, because it thinks it will make him release the fears to save the world he thinks he doomed, or at least make him unstable enough to make him more vulnerable. to weaken his will.

so it can't say "it was just your back luck, it could have been anyone else, you didn't have a choice". it's not going to make him feel guilty. it can't say "we were sure you'd end the world" either, because Jon can Know if Annabelle is saying what she believes to be true - he confirmed that in 199. and I think that saying they were sure he'd end the world would in fact be lying.

"we found the one we believed most likely" sounds like a really elaborate way to say something relatively simple, and while a part of it can be ascribed to Annabelle being Dramatic and giving a Performance, the word "believed" never let me rest, because. the Web knows it can control events to a very high degree. it knows it can make pretty much anyone end the world if it so chooses. and that's why it "believed" Jon was most likely - becausen while he was a random child among thousands of lonely, stubborn, adventurous children, it chose him. and the act of being chosen by the Web is what made him most likely to end the world. "we found the one we believed most likely" = "we chose a random child, and we knew we were able to ruin his life"

[hacawijo]

Alright, If We’re Gonna Play with Az’s Bonus Chapter, Let’s PLAY with Az’s Bonus Chapter (Pt. 1)

I’m going to do a close reading of this bonus chapter, because this whole thing is stressing me out and I want to write out what I think I know what I definitely know and what I’m worried about. Here. We. Go. 

I’m not going to directly quote supporting info in this post, but I will be using a LOT of quotes in the next few weeks, so if anyone wants me to confirm a certain statement I’m making here just let me know and I’ll drop the receipts :)

Also this is super long but I had a lot of thoughts I’m excited about! My commentary is in bold italics!

The river house had finally fallen quiet after the raucous Winter Solstice party, the faelights dimming to cast little pools of gold amid the deep shadow here is an example of contrast between light and dark, which many have made salient points on regarding the counterbalance of Elain/Azriel and their relationship of the longest night of the year.

Amren, Mor, and Varian had finally gone to bed, but Azriel found himself lingering downstairs.

He knew he should get some sleep. He’d need it come dawn, for the snowball battle up at the cabin. Cassian had mentioned no less than six times tonight that he had a secret plan regarding his so-called impending victory. Az had let his brother boast. Especially since Azriel had been planning his own victory for a year now. Had been planning his own victory for a year now, and had one the past 199 years’ worth of fights.

Cassian wouldn’t know what was coming for him. And Az fully planned on capitalizing on the fact that Nesta likely wouldn’t let Cassian sleep much tonight.

Az snickered to himself, to the listening shadows around him. Note the differentiation between himself and the shadows around him - he snickers to them outside of himself, as they are not HIM, they are his companions.

Sleep, they seemed to whisper in his ear. Sleep.

I wish I could, he answered silently. But sleep so rarely found him these days. Again, engaging in a conversation with them. Though he does say that they SEEMED to whisper sleep, which is interesting. He seems to communicate with them beyond worded language, this is a case where he’s translating whatever that communication is into words.

Too many razor-sharp thoughts sliced him any time he grew still long enough for them to strike Yeah this guy needs some therapy for sure, love him but this feels very much like the state of avoidance that Nesta found herself in. Too many wants and needs left his skin overheated and pulling taut across his bones. so he slept only when his body gave out, and even then only for a few hours. This feels very much like an extreme, one that certainly didn’t exist all of the time with Mor (otherwise he’s truly not been sleeping for…ever). I have a very, very hard time believing he would have this reaction because of lust or a coveting kind of obsession.

Azriel surveyed the empty family room, presents and ribbons littering the furniture. Cassian and Nesta hadn’t reappeared downstairs, though that came as no surprise. He was elated for his brother, and yet...

Azriel couldn’t stop it. The envy in his chest. Of Cassian, and Rhys. This is almost exactly the sentiment expressed by Cassian in ACOFAS/ACOSF

He knew he’d be swallowed by it if he went up to his bedroom, so he’d remained down here by the dying light of the fire.

But even the silence weighed too heavily, and though the shadows kept him company, as they always had, as they always would, he found himself leaving the room. Entering the foyer. Entering the foyer for what? Entering in order to go to bed? Or was he drawn there, somehow knowing Elain would be there? I really don’t know the answer and I don’t have a preference as to whether or not they are mates, but it’s worth thinking about. Also important to note that the SHADOWS ARE NOT ENOUGH FOR AZRIEL. They are his friends, an important coping mechanism, but they are not the sum of who he is, nor do they even represent the part of himself that is most realized or fulfilled.

Soft steps padded from under the stair archway, and there she was.

The faelights gilded Elain’s unbound hair, making her glow like the sun at dawn. She halted, her breath catching in her throat. Again, imagery to highlight a contrast between the two of them, Elain as the sun at dawn. Note that it’s talking about dawn, not day. SJM has repeatedly used language about Summer, Dawn, Spring and such to describe Elain, which makes me wonder if her light is meant to transcend the courts - in the same way that the shadows are not the sum of Azriel, the sun (the Day, the Dawn, Spring, Summer etc.) is not the sum of Elain.

“I...” He watched her swallow. She clutched a small gift in her hands. “I was coming to leave this on your pile of presents. I forgot to give it to you earlier.” One thing I noticed on closer examination, she went downstairs to leave it in his pile, not to see him. I wonder if it hurts her to be around HIM as well. Elain has said several times in this book (either on the page or in second- or third-hand account) that she is committed to this court, and I wonder if that same commitment that had her going to the Hewn City is what also has prevented her from ending things with Lucien. It’s not in her nature to be disingenuous, and so she cannot fake certain feelings for him, but it IS in her nature to be selfless, and she probably understands what their mating bond means and how important Lucien’s alliance is. I wonder also if she is unsure as to Azriel’s feelings or if she knows somehow, as Azriel sort of implies she might below.

Lie. Well, the second part was a lie. He didn’t need his shadows to read her tone, the slight tightening of her face. She’d waited until everyone was asleep before venturing down, where she’d leave her gift amongst his other, opened presents, subtle and unnoticed. This is another instance in which Azriel sees her when no one else does, even when she’s not intending or someone to see her. Also, of course, important to note that he can read her without his shadows - a crutch that he uses in interactions with many other people.

Elain closed the distance, and her breathing quickened as she again paused, now a scant foot away. She extended the wrapped gift, her hand shaking. “Here.” Elain makes ALL the moves in this scene - she approaches him, she asks him to put the necklace on her, she leans in, she says yes etc. etc. I think Azriel is actually very respectful and restrained throughout this whole interaction.

Az tried not to look at his scarred fingers as they took the gift. Azriel is ashamed of his scars, and is ashamed of them with Feyre and Mor as well as Elain, this is an across-the-board part of his characterization. She hadn’t bought her mate a present. But she’d gotten Azriel one last year — a headache powder he kept on his nightstand at the House of Wind The headache powder: proof that Elain has been seeing him - specifically seeing him rub his temples. Not to use, but to look at. Which he’d done every night he’d slept there. Or attempted to sleep there.

Azriel unwrapped the box, glancing at the card that merely said, You might find these useful at the House these days, and then opened the lid. Elain is not a casual person, she can’t even handle it when Feyre (her sister) tries to talk to her and Nesta (her other sister) privately about High Fae menstruation. For every lack of flourish or formality that Elain gives Azriel, that is another measured degree of comfort she feels with him - she wouldn’t give an unsigned, familiar note to just anyone.

Two small, bean-shaped fabric blobs lay within. Elain murmured, “You put them in your ears, and they block any sound. With Nesta and Cassian living there with you...”

He chuckled, unable to suppress the impulse. “No wonder you didn’t want me to open it in front of everyone.”

Elain’s mouth twitched into a smile. “Nesta wouldn’t appreciate the joke.” Elain and Azriel have similar senses of humor. Not necessarily in content, but in the way it sort of crops up off-the-cuff and sometimes unnoticed. I like that Elain makes him laugh.

He offered a smile back. “I wasn’t sure if I should give you your present.”

He left the rest unspoken.  Because her mate was here, sleeping a level up. Because her mate had been in the family room and Azriel had needed to stay by the door the whole time because he couldn’t stand the sight of it, the scent of their mating bond, and needed to have the option of leaving if it became too much.

Elain’s large brown eyes flickered, well aware of all that. Just as he knew she was well aware of why Azriel so rarely came to family dinners these days. Alright so, this is really curious. Does this mean that they both seem to be aware of the other’s feelings AND aware that the other is aware of their feelings? I really do wonder if, in this case, Az is an unreliable narrator- maybe assuming more certainty of Elain than she actually has. Again, I don’t think he would have such a visceral reaction to Elain and Lucien being in the same room (and not even close to each other at all) if he was just infatuated or in lust with her

But tonight, here in the dark and quiet more juxtaposition, with no one to see... no one to see, except the two of them, who always see more than others and who always see each other more than anyone else He pulled the small velvet box from the shadows around him. Opened it for her.

Elain sucked in a soft breath that whispered over his skin. His shadows skittered back at the sound. They’d always been prone to vanish when she was around. If Azriel is aware of the fact that his shadows disappear around Elain, and is still almost certainly in love with Elain, I think we can gather that it’s a positive thing for his shadows to give them privacy- which- btw, is what I think they are doing. The shadows feel to Azriel, to me, the way that the HoW feels to Nesta. The HoW doesn’t dislike Cassian, but also doesn’t need to be as diligent with Nesta when he’s around, because the House trusts Cassian with her.

The golden necklace seemed ordinary — it’s chain unremarkable, the amulet tiny enough that it could be dismissed as an everyday charm. It was a small, flat rose fashioned of stained glass, designed so that when held to the light, the truth depth of the colors would become visible. A thing of secret, lovely beauty. So I don’t think he’s saying that Elain is a thing here. I think he’s saying that HIS FEELINGS for her are a thing of secret, lovely beauty. It’s been made pretty clear that Elain’s physical AND inner beauty are decidedly visible and prominent. She is, the opposite of secret- though she is often described as lovely. I think what’s more interesting here is the time dedicated to describing this gift and the time dedicated to describing Lucien’s gift of pearl earrings (more on that later, but spoiler-alert, that’s the extent of the description)

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, lifting it from the box. The golden faelight shone through the little glass facets this word choice is notable because it’s an indication of layers and depth and different sides, setting the charm glowing with hues of red and pink and white. Azriel let his shadows he let them do it, again the way he interacts with his shadows does not make it seem like they ARE him. It would probably say “Azriel’s shadows whisked away the box” or “Azriel used his shadows to…” etc. whisk away the box as she said softly, “Put it on me?” Again, Elain is driving the action

His head went quiet. But he took the necklace, opening the clasp as she exposed her back sweeping her hair up in one hand to bare her long, creamy neck. That this situation is described in such slow, delicate detail evokes a sense of intimacy and gravity to the reader. Every tiny piece of this little bite of interaction means something to Azriel and probably to Elain.

He knew it was wrong, but there he was, sliding the necklace around her. Letting his scarred fingers touch her immaculate skin this word choice is admittedly a little strange, but the use of this and later of the word sacrilege is FAR from the first time SJM uses religiously-coded language to describe a romantic/sexual/intimate situation. In this very book, Cassian describes his sex with Nesta “as close to a religious experience” as he’d ever gotten - furthermore, there is often talk of the worship of bodies. More on this in another post! ALSO, of course he thinks about touching her in relation to himself. He is himself, for one thing, for another, one of the most reinforced aspects of Azriel’s character that has been made clear to us as readers is his belief that he is unworthy. This comes up not at all just with Elain, it comes up everywhere. It comes up when Azriel volunteers for the most dangerous assignments, it comes up with Mor A LOT, it comes up with Rhys and Cassian. I HAVE A LOT MORE TO SAY ABOUT AZRIEL SO I JUST NEED TO STOP TYPING RIGHT N. Letting them brush the side of her throat, savoring the velvet-soft texture. Elain shivered that’s hot and he took a damn long time fastening the clasp.

Azriel’s fingers lingered at her nape, atop the first knob of her spine SUCH precise language, so agonizing. Slowly, Elain pivoted into his touch. Until his palm lay flat against her neck.

It had never gone this far. They’d exchanged looks, the occasional brush of their fingers, but never this. Never blatant, unrestricted touching. Another important line in reiterating the fact that there are two people participating in this interaction and the broader relationship, with the use of ‘exchanged’ and ‘their.’ It could easily also say something like, “Azriel had never gone this far. She’d sometimes caught him looking at her and he her, and every so often he’d taken the risk of brushing his fingers against hers.” Elain’s agency in these interactions and this relationship is SO IMPORTANT! It is the difference between Az viewing Elain as a two-dimensional and unattainable figure and as a real person with wants and needs.

Wrong — it was so wrong. Azriel knows, just as well as Rhys, what is at stake in Elain’s relationship with Lucien. He also has reverence for the mating bond in the same way that many other fae and faeries do. Of course he thinks it’s wrong!

He didn’t care.

He needed to know what the skin of her neck tasted like. What those perfect lips tasted like. Her breasts. Her sex. He needed her coming on his tongue — There is literally so much talk in Feysand and Nessian of tasting and eating out. Both Rhys and Cassian make it very clear that they spent a lot of time thinking about what their partners would taste like and how they might go about finding out for sure.

Azriel’s cock strained behind his pants, aching so fiercely he could hardly think. He prayed she didn’t peer down. Prayed she didn’t understand the shift in his scent.

He had only allowed himself these thoughts in the dead of night. Because he knows it’s a fool’s hope. He never thinks about this as a viable path! Had only allowed his hand to fist his cock and think about her then, when even his shadows had gone to sleep again a recognition of the separation between him and his shadows. How that beautiful face might appear as he entered her, what sounds she’d make. See above: Nessian and Feysand are just as dirty and graphic (especially Nessian) and Rhys and Cassian are JUST AS WORSHIPFUL of their partners.

Elain bit her lower lip, and it took every ounce Azriel’s restraint to keep from putting his own teeth there.

“I should go,” Elain said, but made no move to leave. Again, they are BOTH cognizant, I think, of the risks and dynamics at play here.

“Yes,” he said, his thumb sweeping in long strokes along the side of her throat.

Her arousal drifted up to him, and his eyes nearly rolled back in his head at the sweet scent. He’d beg on his knees for a chance to taste it Rhys’s WHOLE THING is that he kneels before Feyre in reverence. But Azriel just stroked her neck again. SJM repeatedly uses the scent of arousal as a way to confirm sexual interest beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Elain shuddered, drifting closer. So close one deep breath would brush her breasts against his chest. She looked up at him, her face so trusting and hopeful and open that he knew she had no idea that he had done unspeakable things that sullied his hands far beyond their scars. I personally think this is Azriel being self-deprecating. I think that Elain is a seer, and probably has some idea of what Azriel does. Does this mean he puts her on a pedestal or that he views her as pure? It’s possible, but I think Azriel views most people whom he loves as pure compared to himself in one way or another— even Cassian. There is a line I’ll cite eventually where Rhys muses on the similarities between himself and Azriel, since Rhys is the only person Azriel allows to see the full scope of his rage. Ditto with the pedestal.

Such terrible things that it was a sacrilege same story as my point above on the word immaculate, but again I do totally admit that it’s a strange word. I just think that we have had so little of Azriel’s perspective that we can’t really say whether this is a perversion of his connection to Elain or if this is a regular sort of attitude for him for his fingers to touch her skin, tainting her with his presence.

But he could have this. This one moment, and maybe a taste, and that would be it. AND THAT WOULD BE IT. HE DOESN’T THINK IT WILL GO FURTHER!

“Yes,” Elain breathed, like she read the decision. You fucking go Elain get that ass Just this taste in the dead of the longest night of the year, where only the Mother interesting choice of words given Nesta’s association with the Mother and Nesta’s apparent tacit acceptance of Azriel’s feelings for Elain (more on that later) might witness them.

Azriel’s hand slid up her neck, burying in her thick hair. Tilting her face the way he wanted it. Elain’s mouth parted slightly, her eyes scanning his before flirting shut.

Offer and permission. OFFER AND PERMISSION. ELAIN WANTS THE SHADOWSINGER D!!!!!

He nearly groaned with relief and need as he lowered his head toward hers.

Azriel. And suddenly, the one time they both are comfortable with how they’re being seen (that Azriel is being seen by no one else BUT Elain, that Elain is finally being seen intimately, by someone, in the dark, namely, AZRIEL)

Rhys’s voice thundered through him, halting him mere inches from Elain’s sweet mouth.

Azriel. So if you were to ask me what the biggest sign of Elriel’s longevity in this chapter is, it is this: that they did not kiss. SJM built a very tightly worded and wound tension around this moment with her language, and.  the fact that it is not fulfilled is frustrating, right? We know that he touched the knob of her spine - we know that she shivered. For that level of intimacy not to end in a kiss, means something. Rhys could easily have interrupted them after their lips had already touched, and if this relationship were a device serving another, that’s what would have happened.

SJM knows that the tension is built and unfulfilled, and I think she also knows that this wouldn’t have been the right time for them to have their first kiss - which is what I think many readers have noticed in so many words. Where my thoughts differ is that I think SJM is walking a line between romantically coding the moment AND acknowledging that this moment is not ideal, and that it doesn’t deserve to be fulfilled satisfyingly, especially given Azriel’s self-loathing. MORE LATER :) Which should maybe be my catchphrase.

Also, them not kissing can’t just be about the fact that it’s a bonus chapter. You can’t make that argument about their not-kiss and then argue that the interaction with Gwyn is essential to the coming story. Which, I think it is significant, by the way, I’m just not sure how yet :P

Unrelenting command filled his name, and Azriel looked up. Rhysand stood atop the staircase. Glowering down at them.

My office. Now.

Rhys vanished, and Azriel was left standing before Elain, who still awaited his kiss. His stomach twisted as he pulled his hand away from her hair and stepped back. Forced himself to say, “This was a mistake.” UGH. The capital P Pain.

She opened her eyes, hurt and confusion warring there before she whispered, “I’m sorry.” See, this reaction makes me think that she is not as aware of his feelings as he thinks she is. That she later returns the necklace (or did she?) reinforces this. I think that if she was certain how he felt about her, she would be frustrated and maybe angry in the way that she has responded to Feyre’s comments about her mating bond with Lucien, not hurt and confused.

“You don’t — Don’t apologize,” he managed to say. “Never apologize. It’s I who should...”  He shook his head, unable to stand the bleakness he’d brought to her expression. “Goodnight.” But at least it definitely confirms her feelings to Azriel.

PART II IS BEING POSTED BACK-TO-BACK!

[s4ge-s4ge-s4ge]

Yay !

"Baby do you like this beat? I made it so you'd sleep with me, it's like 199 degrees when your doing it with me, doing it with me"

@s1l4s-w0rsh1ps-t0m4t03s @monarchofthequeerpotatoes @r1poutmygvtz

starting a tag game cuz I want to

reblog this and tell me what song lyric reminds you of prev!!

tags: @dollys-perfect-world @th3-c0ld-n0v3mb3r-r4in @doglike-mix @im-living-in-the-walls @stuck-in-the-dresser @silly-guy-tendencies @silly-lil-scribbles @thelunarsystemwrites @2late4chocolate @viwowcrazy

[twigstarpikachutroll22]

spiral, vast, corruption

The Spiral: Favorite dialogue/quote from the series?

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD THERE'S LITERALLY SO HECKIN' MANY OKAY-

Favorite dialogues include:

Basira and Melanie's conversation in mag 106

Jon and Gerry's entire conversation in 111

Jon and Daisy's entire conversation in 132

the iconic Let's Gouge Out Our Eyes And Make Out scene in 154

that part of 167 where Martin asks Jon to describe his current emotional state and all Jon can say is "I feel...sad." and then "Very sad."

Jon and Martin playing I Spy in mag 180, and then obviously the "It's a mystery!" part jkfjgl;ksd

the conversation Jon and Martin have towards the end of 199 during which Jon ends up crying (ToT)

Favorite quotes include:

"If I'm going to be operating on a man's pancreas, I want to feel that pancreas."

Am I allowed to say Jane Prentiss's entire statement??? 'Cause I really really liked it for some reason lksdjgklsd

"I just need to know if you can save my son. I’ve asked and asked and your people only ever tell me to write my statement. Put it down on paper for investigation. Is that going to help? No. Of course it isn’t. Even if you had the power to do something, would you? Or would you rather watch my son burn so you can take notes." (a.k.a. the beginning of the statement in episode 37. made me go O_O)

Am I also allowed to say the entirety of the statement in mag 75? That person with insomnia to an insane degree? Because I also really really liked that one. ksdjklsdg

Jon: "Yes, I know what a meme is."

Jon: "Not today, dude!"

Jon: "Am I...Elias, am I still human?" (;o;) (TOT)

Tim: "Who am I even sad for?"

Gertrude: "-there’s ten years yet before I can afford a conscience."

Gertrude, sharply: "And you’re all lazy fools. So used to it being easy, to picking off the vulnerable and the unprepared, you can barely conceive of anyone actively working against you, of being ready. You honestly thought when she died I’d just be struck dumb with terror, just waiting around for one of you to finally get around to revenge, paralyzed with fear, because that’s all you’ve ever known."

"Intelligence doesn’t make you less prone to taking on bad ideas, it just makes you better at defending them to other people and to yourself. Smart people can believe some truly ridiculous things, and then deploy all the reason and logic at their disposal to justify them, because a belief doesn’t begin in your mind. It begins in your feelings."

Eric Delano's whole The Reason You Suck speech to Gertrude in mag 154.

Adelard Dekker: "Goodbye, Gertrude. May you find your rest where no shadows are cast, and no eyes may see you slumber."

Peter: "He doesn’t… want… to see you." Jon: "Then let me hear that from him."

Jon: "-but we need you. I need you." Martin: "No you don't. Everyone's alone, but we all survive." Jon: "I don't just want to survive."

Jared: "Who's this? Your boyfriend?" Jon: "Yes, actually."

Martin: "I am Martin Blackwood, and I am not lonely anymore; I am not lonely anymore. I want to have friends; I – no, I have friends. I-I’m in love. I am in love, and I will not forget that; I will not forget."

Salesa: "Your powers won't work here, Jonathan Sims Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute London."

Every time Jon calls upon the Ceaseless Watcher in season 5.

Elias/Jonah: "I don't want to die." Jon: "Neither did they."

I may have to edit this later to add more when they occur to me.

The Vast: Favorite platonic friendship?

ALL OF THEM, BRO. I appreciate the heck out of the entire S1 crew, and Jon and Basira back when they were friends, and Jon and Gerry for the short time they got to know each other, and Jon and Daisy in season 4, and I freaking WISH that each and all of the members of S3-S4 team archive could've been actual friends, I will never be over this, just let them all be friends gosh dangit I'm gonna cry 😭😭😭

The Corruption: Which fear are you marked by (ex: always see spiders, fascination with the sky)?

*opens my desk drawer to reveal an absolutely massive pile of paper and post-its on which I have doodled clusters upon clusters of spirals*

I mean. It's hard to say for sure but I can't help wondering if this means something. And I mean I do have some important memories that could possibly be called Spiral-related.

I'm also starting to think I might have some serious Lonely influences too.

[gaysiancomics]

Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me

Synopsis

Freddy is the indie teen archetypal protagonist of Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me. As an Asian-American kid caught in an unhappy relationship with her white girlfriend, Freddy shares much in common with Tamaki’s other protagonists. LD hurts Freddy by making out with other girls at parties and dances (Tamaki & Valero-O’Connell, 12), while emotionally manipulating Freddy by engaging when it is convenient to herself, only to vanish afterwards. This is demonstrated when LD abruptly leaves Freddy’s house after having lost interest in the conversation (99), and later when demanding that Freddy attend her birthday party (240). Freddy in turn behaves in a self-destructive manner, returning again and again to Freddy.

Abusive Relationships & Healthy Friendships

LD’s treatment of Freddy forms a cyclical pattern that may define not only abusive relationships, but can also serve as a personification of trauma in general. When Freddy first attempts to break up with LD, LD says, “You know every time we break up, we always get back together” (199). Freddy’s friends are initially supportive, despite Freddy going through her third break up with LD. They listen to her problems (23), and offer to start a rumor about LD (35). But Freddy’s obsession with LD affects her ability to be a good friend. She neglects to defend her friends when LD calls them “boring” (129), and is late to Doodle’s abortion appointment because of LD’s attention-seeking behaviors (250). Freddy’s inability to be kind to herself, ultimately compromises her ability to be kind to others. This culminates in a major conflict between Freddy and her best friend, Doodle (225).

Similar to The Magic Fish, Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me does not end with romantic love, but platonic love, this time between two friends. It is Doodle’s time of need, after their abortion—and LD’s lack of consideration—that leads Freddy to LD’s house to break up with her. Watching Doodle sleep, Freddy considers her email from the advice columnist. “What does your love with this person offer you? Does it make you happy? Does it give you what you need to be a better person?” (265). These questions, originally posed towards Freddy’s relationship with LD, are recontextualized in Freddy’s relationship with Doodle. It is Doodle who fulfills Freddy, and who gives her a supportive, platonic relationship. Not LD.

Postmodern Spaces

Similar to Skim, there is little mention of Freddy’s ethnic identity in Laura Dean. Her ethnicity has little impact over the narrative. Whereas Skim is kicked out of a party, and that experience significantly shapes her relationship to other characters in the book, Freddy experiences milder micro-aggressions that do not impact the plot, such as being exotified by her own girlfriend for her race: “It’s so multicultural to have an Asian girlfriend with a name like Frederica,” LD remarks as they lay in bed (85).

Sexuality is dealt with in a similarly post-modern approach. Adult figures and peers alike are either ambivalent or supportive of queer relationships—and the issues taken with Freddy and LD’s relationship has nothing to do with them being same-sex, but with theirs being a toxic dynamic. In contrast to Skim’s homophobic, all-white high school, the spaces illustrated in Laura Dean are more likely queer-friendly and inclusive. Laura Dean takes place in Berkeley, a center for queer life, and Freddy works at a queer café, where queer people are free to discuss their interpersonal relationships (159), and where Freddy finds support in her break up with LD. Even spaces that are not immediately notable are made into queer spaces by the fact that Freddy is often surrounded by friends and acquaintances, all queer-coded in some way.

While homophobia, and to a lesser degree, racism, are present, they are presented in an understated way. Buddy, an explicitly queer character, and Marcus, a supposedly cisthet character, for example, have some kind of altercation in the locker room regarding name-calling (113). Though we never know what kind of name-calling this entails, the locker room setting insinuates some kind of queer-phobia in that it has traditionally been a place of binary gender segregation, hyper-masculinity, and homophobia. In taking this approach, Tamaki and O’Connell dismantle differences that have defined narratives about what is queer and what isn’t, while also acknowledging the legacy of racism and homophobia which shape the life of an individual like Freddy.

[p1per-mclean]

BABY DO YOU LIKE THIS BEATTT

I MADE IT SO YOUD DANCE WITH MEE

ITS LIKE 199 DEGREES

WHEN YOURE DOING IT WITH ME

DOING IT WITH ME

NAKED IN MANHATTAN IS MY FAV

H-O -T-T-O-G-O!! YOU CAN TAKE ME HOT TO GO!!!

Hot to Go by Chapelle Roan. Haz blasts this every morning while getting ready for the day.

@hazel-the-jewel

Ooc - This song grew on me but you really should have send it to Piper or Haz.

[ash-rabbit]

An Autopsy: Mag200 Last Words

I will preface this by saying that, one (1) this is my opinion, and that I am at best ambivalent towards Martin and Jmart. And that this influenced the emotional impact of the episode for me, and likely many other viewers.

Additionally, I don't have a transcript open so we're going off memory. And spoilers below, obviously.

I. Everything that I wanted to see

1. Jonah

I'm very glad he showed back up and was coherent. That was definitely a highlight since bastard he may be, but he's my favourite.

I would have liked to hear him monologue or give a statement, but I don't mind Jon cutting things short. It's deserved, and I'm sure Jon was sick to death of Magnus' voice anyway.

I really liked how his last words were so very scared and vulnerable. "I don't want to die." and then Jon's retort of "Neither did they" before going through with it was excellent.

Being the vessel for the eye being like a wonderful dream was also very good, because I can only imagine that it would be similar to Jon's nightmare walking for someone who actually enjoys the suffering of others.

Something that was odd was that I could swear that it contradicts 193, where Jonah was referred to as nothing but a husk when serving as the eyes conduit. I had thought that meant his sense of self had been eradicated and he was nothing but his eyes for all intents and purposes. Clearly not. So I suppose all those fics where Elias survives and is aware of everything after Jonah gets gouged out of his skull are still plausible, seeing as Jonah still remained, even after being crushed beneath the weight of his eldritch patron.

2. Jon doing his own thing

I said this after 198 and 199, but I though the Web's plan was dumb, and everyone completely misunderstood the Trolley Problem, because just like the average Tumblr user, the Archival assistants are illiterate. But I suppose that happens when you have two influencers, a cop, and a high school drop out debate ethics. I'm just saying Tim with his anthropology degree would have called bullshit on their moralizing, he might not have disagreed with that plan of action, but he wouldn't have tried to justify it.

3. Jon going through with the 193 plan

Technically a merger of point 1 and 2, but it had Jon having a completely decent plan for once. It worked for the most part, it was cathartic and wholly satisfying to watch for him as a character.

As stated in 193 the conduit position is meant for him, so he doesn't suffer any ill effects outside of becoming a bird in a gilded cage, but he already spent the series as that. And it wasn't as if Jon hadn't been acting as a conduit with the constant statement taking anyway.

3.b a late addition to this but why does Jon need to keep taking statements?? It feels entirely superfluous in a fear saturated landscape, unless it was the Eye really wanting that Archivist pupil.

II. What Didn't Hit, or the Deflated Souffle

1. Jon and Martin

Hinging the emotional weight of a finale on a couple doesn't work if you don't have any feelings invested in the couple. I didn't care for Martin from the moment we were introduced to him in Season 1, and my interest to become invested in Martin was ignited and subsequently extinguished within Season 4. I find Martin hypocritical and self righteous and it's a bad mix for me personally. I didn't like his character trajectory over Season 5, so Jmart did nothing for me across the Season.

The misquote of LotR also just doesn't do it for me. It's sort of romanticizing the whole Romeo + Juliet thing, which is always not good. I think being unable to live for Jon undercuts any growth Martin could have gone through since in season 4 he was running a suicide gambit, and I think if he had been able to live as a person at the end of it, he would have come out a stronger character.

2. The Knife in the Gut

So Jon went through with his actually good plan, and Martin acts like its the worst possible thing. Jon is mostly himself, more himself then across Season 5 for the most part actually. But it's treated like the worst betrayal, and then Martin has the gall to go "we expected this so we're burning the Archives at this very second"

Like okay?? You're mad he went behind his back, even though everything previously stated had your plan set up to fail from the get go. It just made me irritated at Martin for being short sighted.

Worse then that was how quickly Jon caved to Martin and saying fine kill me and go through with your plan. And then Martin did it. They condemned countless dimensions because when Martin show sup and say anything contrary to Jon, Jon's spine disappears. It defeated the purpose of Jon going behind their backs in the first place. Though I'm glad Martin wasn't there when Jon spoke to Jonah.

I think the damnation of countless realities should have been framed as a tragedy, and not as the heroic thing. So I guess it's just fridge horror now. The framing just, it really doesn't work for me here, I was horrified by the moral ramifications and how it's the one thing Jon didn't want to do, to have more people face the same horrors he had.

3. The Archives are Burning: One of the Best Paying Academic Institute's is in flames.

So Jon was called the Archive by Jonah, and it never felt like that meant anything. We don't know if the burning Archive affecting Jon was because he's the Archive or if it's because burning knowledge hurts him as burning Gerry's page did.

Also I'm just against the burning of centuries of knowledge in general, that was probably the part of the episode that hurt. Cursed or not, the Magnus Institute seems to have incredibly pay for a research institute of all things, I mean a flat in London and it can pay for a care home? I know biology researchers who make around minimum wage at best. I'm just saying, I would work there despite everything the series has laid out.

4. The Girls Started a Fire

I don't mind that they survived, but they blew up a gasline?? And survived, no Helen to save them, but they survived.

It's weird.

5. Back to Business as Usual

So they ejected all the fears into other universes and everything is back to normal. But I have questions!! How are people's state of mind?? Are some people catatonic from constantly experiencing constant fear? The Admiral is fine which is great but, there's so much mental scarring that even with a fix it band aid slapped on, the whole population is mentally fractured at best. I don't have the words to elucidate, but it bothers me.

In Sum

The finale didn't hurt me. Which in and of itself hurts. I signed up for a tragedy/horror, and it felt like the romance shift undercut a lot of character growth and impact. But that's because I don't like who Jon and Martin are when they're together, and that's a normal thing to fell around new/codependent couples.

I was hoping for something that was soul crushing for the characters, but death isn't really the worst fate, and I suppose it's grim if only because they made the selfish choice. Which is weird, for Jon at least, he stopped making selfish choices after Season 2 for the most part and was punished every time he did something that was necessary for his continued survival in Season 4. I have thoughts on the statement dependency being a food thing more then an addiction thing but I'm ending it here.

The series is good, but I'll probably just relisten to S1-4 only, I don't care for romance or apocalypse settings, and 160 is a good stopping point if you want a soft tragedy of sorts.

[tawakkull]

ISLAM 101: Spirituality in Islam: Part 28

SABR (PATIENCE)

Sabr literally means enduring, bearing, and resisting pain; suffering and difficulty; and dealing calmly with problems. In more general terms it means patience, which is one of the most important actions of the heart mentioned in the Qur'an. Because of its importance, patience is regarded as half of one’s religious life (the other half is thankfulness). The Qur'an orders patience in many verses, such as: Seek help in patience and prayer (2:45) and: Endure, vie with each other in endurance (3:199), and prohibits haste in verses like: Show not haste concerning them (the unbelievers) (46:35) and: When you meet in battle those who do not believe, turn not your backs to them (8:15). In many Qur'anic verses, God praises the patient, declares that He loves them, or mentions the ranks He has bestowed on them: The patient and steadfast, and the truthful and loyal (3:16); God loves the patient (3:145); and Surely God is with the patient (2:153).

The Qur'an mentions many other aspects of patience. For example: If you endure patiently, this is indeed better for those who are patient (16:126) advises patience as a preferable way in dealing with unbelievers while communicating God’s Message to them. We will certainly bestow on those who are patient their reward according to the best of what they used to do (16:96) consoles the patient with the best of rewards to be given in the Hereafter. If you have patience and guard yourselves against evil and disobedience, God will send to your aid five thousand angels having distinguishing marks, if they [your enemies] suddenly attack you (3:124) promises the believers Divine aid in return for patience.

How meaningful is the following saying of the master of humanity concerning patience and thankfulness:

How remarkable a believer’s affair is, for it is always to his advantage, and such a condition is only for a believer. If something good happens to him he thanks God, which is to his advantage; if something bad happens to him he endures it, which is also to his advantage.

The characteristics of patience can be grouped into five categories: enduring difficulties associated with being a true servant of God or steadfastness in performing regular acts of worship; resisting temptations of the carnal self and Satan to commit sins; enduring heavenly or earthly calamities, which includes resignation to Divine decrees; being steadfast in following the right path and not allowing worldly attractions to cause deviation; and showing no haste in realizing hopes or plans that require a certain length of time to achieve.

With respect to its degrees, patience can be divided into six categories: showing patience for the sake of God; showing patience and attributing it to God (being convinced that God enables one to show patience); enduring patiently whatever comes from God, knowing that He acts from His Wisdom; being resigned to whatever happens in the way of God; showing patience by not disclosing the mysteries of one’s achieved spiritual station and to preserve one’s nearness to God; and resolving to fulfill one’s mission of communicating God’s Message to people despite one’s deepest desire to die and meet with God.

There are other definitions of patience as well. For example, preserving one’s manners in the face of misfortune; being steadfast when confronted with events, and showing no sign of being deterred; never giving in to one’s carnal desires and the impulses of one’s temperament; accepting the commandments of the Qur'an and the Sunna as a sort of invitation to Paradise; and sacrificing all possessions, including one’s soul and beloved ones, for the sake of the True, Beloved One.

Those Qur'anic interpreters who were interested in the text’s secret or esoteric meanings have made the following commentaries on the verse: Endure, vie with each other in endurance, and continue your relation with God (3:199):

Be steadfast in performing your religious duties, endure whatever displeasing thing happens to you, and maintain your love of God and desire to meet with Him. Or, be steadfast in fulfilling all your responsibilities for the sake of God and to please Him, and endure the difficulty of always being aware of His constant supervision of you and feeling His omnipresence. Or, be steadfast in following the Straight Path without any deviation, even when Divine bounties pour out onto you. Resolve to endure all difficulties and hardships, and maintain your connection or adherence to God whatever happens to you.

Another approach to patience is to attribute to God Almighty whatever is in the universe and happens therein and, while giving thanks for what appears pleasing, being resigned to what appears displeasing. When a believer unburdens himself or herself to God while trying to overcome a misfortune or hardship, a responsibility that is very hard to fulfill, or sins that might be committed, this must not be considered a complaint against God. Rather, it is a believer’s way of asking Him for help and seeking refuge in Him. In no way can such an action be considered a complaint or a protest against God or Divine Destiny. In reality, and according to one’s intention, such an act may even be regarded as a supplication and an entreaty, as putting one’s trust in Him or as submitting to Him.

The cry of Prophet Job, upon him be peace, to God: Truly distress (disease, tribulation) has seized me. But You are the Most Compassionate of the Compassionate (21:83) and the groaning of Prophet Jacob, upon him be peace: I only complain of my anguish and my sorrow unto God (12:86) are supplications or entreaties for God’s pity and compassion. God Almighty praised Job, upon him be peace, for being an excellent servant distinguished with patience and supplications: We found him patient; how excellent a servant! Truly he was ever turning (to God) with supplications (38:44).

One of the most distinguishing characteristics of Prophets and saints is their embodiment of patience in all of its manifold forms and degrees, and that without deviating from their utmost devotion to God, they do their best to communicate God’s Message to people and bear all misfortune and difficulty arising there from. The glory of humanity, upon him be peace and blessings, who is a mercy for the whole of creation, declared: Among mankind, those who are stricken with the most terrible of misfortunes are the Prophets, and then follow others according to their degree of faith.

Patience is an essential characteristic of those believers who are the most advanced in belief, spirituality, nearness to God, and who guide others to the truth. It is, moreover, the source of power for those advancing toward this final point. Since the most advanced people experience the most misfortune, they are perfect embodiments of patience, which is the price they pay for the rank bestowed on them. Others who have been destined to advance to that final point cross the distances traveled by others through different and frequent acts of worship, by enduring whatever happens to them. Of these, God’s Messenger, upon him be peace and blessings, says:

If God Almighty has destined a servant of His to a rank or position which he cannot reach through his religious actions, He causes him to suffer from his own self and family, and equips him with patience to endure all his sufferings. He elevates him through patience to the rank to which he has destined him.

Thus the suffering to be endured, the difficulty in fulfilling one’s responsibilities, and the pressure of sin contain potential mercy, mercy that is attracted by one’s patience. One subjected to such affliction should not unburden himself or herself to anybody else. How beautifully Fuduli says:

You say you are a lover, then do not complain of the affliction of love;

By complaining, do not make others informed of your affliction.

Travelers on the path to God should know how to burn and boil with love or be consumed with affliction, but never complain to others of such love and affliction. Even if crushed by difficulty or responsibility as heavy as mountains, they should not complain to others.

Rumi summarizes such a degree of patience as follows:

In order to be sustenance for man, a source of strength for his knees, a “light” for his eyes, and a substance for the maintenance of his life, a grain of wheat must be buried in the bosom of the earth, germinate under it, and grow to emerge into the air. It must come into the air after a fierce struggle with the earth, and then be sown and threshed, and ground in a mill. After that, it must be kneaded, baked in an oven, and, finally, chewed by teeth, sent into the stomach, and digested.

To attain true humanity, each individual must be “sieved” or “distilled” many times to discover his or her true essence. Otherwise, the ability to develop one’s potential to its fullest, to be truly human, is not possible:

It is expected of God’s servant to suffer, And of an aloe wood to burn.

Patience is an essential and most important dimension of servanthood to God, and is crowned with resignation, the highest spiritual rank in the sight of God, to whatever God has destined