#it’s just good to see bc i’ve hated myself for so long i’m ready to just accept and love how my body is taking care of me despite everything | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kitteningotham · 4 months ago

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This kinda made me want to answer some of these, so here we go ig? Kinda like a get to know me? I am going to be leaving out certain questions for privacy reasons/bc I don’t want to answer them though :)

1a) Reading, especially classic novels like Little Women, Black Beauty and Ballet Shoes

1b) My Year Four English teacher, who was the first one to tell me that I was a good writer, and told me that she could imagine reading my (fictional) article in a real newspaper

1c) My family and friends, who have always supported who I am and celebrated my achievements

2) Oh God… get ready for this you guys…

Yeah… it looks like a ten year old’s writing, I know.

3) Ummm… pressure…. Frozen, You’ve Got Mail, and the LEGO Batman Movie

5) Does my Tumblr even count as a blog? If it does, I started it to be able to share my interests with others, read and see and watch other peoples’ creations, and appreciate artists who deserve acknowledgment.

6) So, I really haven’t been a creator here that long, but I would have to say the hate comments I see directed at others. On Tumblr, we’re fortunate to not really have that much hate, and when there is, it is usually managed effectively. Still, online in general, the things I have seen directed at other people can be horrible.

8) Unfortunately, I don’t usually dream at all, so no :(

9) I honestly can’t think of anything good to put here, if I think of something I’ll change it

10) Kind of, yeah! I don’t often show that side of myself to other people, but I tend to react to things I love/hate emotionally, even if you can’t see it visibly.

11) I think that my version of romance is like a warm familiarity, when you see someone you know and love anyway, all of their faults and flaws included, and you know that they are one of the people you care most about. You know that they are the right person for you.

12) Follow your passions and joys, try to do and embrace what you love best. Share you hopes, dreams and feelings with the people you love. Remember that they love you too.

13) Writing this, but also messaging my best friend to arrange meeting up and brushing my hair!

14) Probably windsurfing or skydiving! It always looks super fun, but I can never work up the courage to give it a go!

15) We move around quite often, so I think of my family and the warm feeling they bring me

16) Probably my athletic skills, I’m really awful at most sports and running and if I were better at them I think I would enjoy exercising more.

17) Reading a good book, chocolate, and my loved ones

18) I do think that there may be life on other planets, but I don’t believe in stereotypical aliens, no, nor ghosts.

19) Probably the sunlight and the way it looks and feels. The warmth on your skin, the spots in your eyes.

20) I’m very much a night owl, so it’s quite hard to choose, but I like the night sky, whether it’s cloudy and mysterious or clear and starry. The moon is very much included in that.

21) No, I’m pretty much atheist. I have no idea or beliefs about what happens after we die, but I don’t really believe in or pray to any higher powers. I’m really interested in Greek mythology and the study of other religions though, and fully respect anyone else’s beliefs.

22) She’s funny, smart and really kind and inclusive

24) The grades I’ve made on some of my exams over the years, which I was always really pleased with

25) Autumn. The lovely warm colours and wildlife, along with the transition from warm to cool temperatures, make it the most interesting season, in my opinion. Not to mention all the nice warm cinnamon cookies and drinks :)

26) Purple. I just love the contrast between how powerful the dark shades are, and how delicate the pale ones are. It’s just so beautiful to me. Delphiniums are one of my favourite flower’s because of their colours.

28) I have quite a large collection of Pokémon cards left over from when I was younger that I was really into at one point, but not currently. Oh, unless you count notebooks because I literally can’t stop buying those.

29) I read.

30) Also reading. There’s something about escaping reality that lifts all of the weights off of your shoulders and makes your sorrows less potent.

31) I’m almost right between the two. I’m not organised, but my house is always quite tidy. I probably err more on the side of messiness though.

32) I mostly use Google, so that has 37 tabs open, and I only use safari for opening links because I can’t be bothered to set the former as my default browser, so that has 77.

33) Mostly just reading, writing, gaming, cooking and baking.

34) When people don’t explain things and expect you to just know how to do them. Super annoying.

35) No, I don’t think so. Meeting new people is hard anyway, and it takes a fair amount of time for me to befriend and open up to someone.

36) Walls up.

38) I’ve been into a few things lately. Mostly ‘History Of Man’ by Maisie Peters, ‘Leave Before The Lights Come On’ by the Arctic Monkeys, and ‘Like That’ by JP Saxe :)

39) I love LDShadowlady’s stuff, her vibe is just so amazing! She’s so chaotic, and so nice and good at the game

40) I bite my nails :(

Thanks for reading! :) <333

questions I think would be fun to be asked

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

show us a picture of your handwriting?

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

what made you start your blog?

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

what scares you the most and why?

any reacquiring dreams?

tell a story about your childhood

would you say you’re an emotional person?

what do you consider to be romance?

what’s some good advice you want to share?

what are you doing right now?

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

name 3 things that make you happy

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

favourite thing about the day?

favourite things about the night?

are you a spiritual person?

say 3 things about someone you love

say 3 things about someone you hate

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

fave season and why?

fave colour and why?

any nicknames?

do you collect anything?

what do you do when you’re sad?

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

are you messy or organised?

how many tabs do you have open right now?

any hobbies?

any pet peeves?

do you trust easily?

are you an open book or do you have walls up?

share a secret

fave song at the moment?

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

any bad habits?

(this post was stolen from @teenage-mutant-ninja-freak, since it couldn't be reblogged anymore)

#ask game #asks #tumbr #get to know me

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epipenis · 1 year ago

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i know we must find ways to peel ourselves from the other and in enmesh, but i worry that if we do we will fall out of love. at least, i will.

that’s what i worry. that probably says a lot huh.

oh well.

it’s both the fear of loving the enmesh, you know, bc of trauma and abandonment and shit, and the fear that when all that is taken away, what left? will i still be in love? am i in love now if that’s the case? or just a toxic bastard who should be put down like a cow with a gangrenous front leg. am i so stupid that i could have confused the two or worse mixed them? have i lost myself that fully? or am i just so hurt and angry and sad and all those things in some way or another that i feel them towards you? or can i just not see the other side? or do i just worry i wouldn’t be able to learn to love you if i found myself out of love?

i often think we shouldn’t have gotten into this relationship- that we weren’t ready. either of us, separately, or together. but then i think how can i know and does it even matter, because we are here, and we are both different for it, forever.

sometimes i resent that change, sometimes i don’t.

i want and am trying ti be more honest about my feelings. frequently i just don’t have the tools once they’re out there. i can’t speak for you but the reactions i get and have gotten haven’t helped. but i know i should be stronger- to get us though those times. as i have in the past.

i worry that i’ve thought you everything i know and have deteriorated in the process. i worry that i’ve learned nothing- or if not i have learned meal adaptively, or if not that i’ve learned so little in comparison. what’s worse is that you don’t need me. and yet in all of this i’ve found myself needing you. and i hate it. i hate feeling….. useless. burdensome. pathetic.

i think of cutting open my wrists and watching the blood. but i’m not sure who i’d be doing it for.

i think about a rope around my neck. i think about driving my car into a tree. i think about all the stupid pain. i think about floating into nothing. i think about a society so broken that i must rely on others and thus can never fully grow. how can there ever be consent when we are getting fucked this way. i complain about capitalism so frequently it feels performative to say it’s name. so i’ll only say it once. to not detract from what i’m trying to feel. if this is the best i’ll ever be because i can never find true growth and attachment and want again because of the boot in my neck telling me i’ll die, well… then maybe it is too late for me. i should’ve figured it out as a kid. before things got…. capital. but i couldn’t. things were too bad then. what good does it do me to reminisce. what good does it do me to contemplate. i don’t want to die, but i don’t want this life. i think that’s why i hate it so viscerally when people say “that’s life”. if that’s life then just shoot me. it’s dramatic, but it’s real. i might as well just become a heroin addict. i feel like my only shot is to disappear. to be like sam. i just don’t think it would work for me. i’m too….. vulnerable. i just don’t know what else to do anymore. i spend time hopping from dopamine hit to dopamine hit. i make art about my pain but it feel trivial and performative, and the act of making art and thinking i could be praised for it temporarily fixes the pain. so i think about making art for no one. that’s this i think. i think if i was trying to placate i’d say more or less about certain things, make it seem nice. but whatever. i’m trying not to hope people see this. frequently i do hope people see these posts because all i know is performance, survival. i don’t know myself at all. i don’t know what i want. i don’t know anything. how does one disappear? id like to ask him.

my favorite moments are the storms, the tragedy, the fear, to pause, the deviation. i long for a world where i could go to another state and disappear. i think we have failed the people but saved the species with how things are now. all of us individually will suffer, but the system will guarantee the survival of the theoretical. of what could come to be. of the people that could exist. of the people we could be. only the wealthy, the empowered will be able to claim it, will be able to steer it. that’s why elon is so successful, with people i mean. they want a piece of that, so badly, and he can control it, they will gaslight themselves willingly into believing it’s their own. that they’ve got any claim to it. we are all lost. we are all doomed. i am no real artist, im a thief. i don’t want control, not really, i just want survival, like the others have. i can’t have it. i can’t get it. and so i dream of an end. i dream of blowing up. of burning it all, of nothing. i don’t want to hurt anybody, so really, thats the worst part. because there is nothing to actually destroy. just myself. i can’t decide if it matters or not. that link had it right. burn. it will mean nothing, but it will mean everything. it’s the one thing i have. it’s the one thing i can destroy, hurt. it’s the one thing that is indicative of the theoretical at all. ugh. i don’t want to die. i just want to be once again mesmerized by the patterns of shadows in grass and the places the paint has faded, the shapes and world around me. now i see nothing. i often think my eyesight is going because i can see so little. nothing stays with me. i am a shell being occupied by a memory. i’m starting to resent therapists because truly can anyone help me? no, they are lost too, they cannot give it to me. i miss sex. i miss cumming. i miss giving myself that’s dopamine shot. i miss feeling desired, i miss these things. truly they’re not all that related. but i think being an addict is one of the only ways to get through the day at this point. i want to burn it all. my phone. my body, my mind. this society. the people who promise to help me. we are all only looking out for ourselves. altruism does not exist, not here. light me ablaze and send me down the river. i think i don’t kill myself partially bc pain and such but in this line of thought, i think because i wouldn’t be able to watch it. i couldn’t see it. i could t see the aftermath. get any of the gratification. and self harm sucks bc it just hurts. i’ve only ever done it for performance. i’m and idiot for that. i can destroy nothing. idk if it’s the biological imperative or the culture or what but they’ve cracked the code on this one. i will simply be a cash cow for them in some capacity or another and live life as a head down addict to something or another because why bother with anything else. i don’t have hope for change- i’m not a true comrade because i don’t believe they fight could happen or would be worth it. selfishly i just want to be ‘ok’. and that wouldn’t be ok, that would be conflict. i have given up on the theoretical and there is very little tangible that is here for me. i can’t tell if that means i’ve won or lost. who knows. i’ll read a fan fic about a fantasy world and feel smth for once. i’ll want their wants because the world is different. i will simultaneously hate fiction because what the point of trying to learn and project. it all means nothing unless i can carry it with me during the day. i only care about anything because i’m an addict. and i can’t even cum anymore because every time i think of you it hurts too much and then it brings it back ti the beginning. what am i. just kill me. no, i’ll just sleep and make people like me and try to remember how to cum and eat good food and escape for the addiction. that’s how i get through the days. nothing else means anything to me. nothing else matters. nothing matters. maybe i should die.

#11/24/23 #mine #text #mental health #philosophy #relationships #idk #whatever else

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la-lauren · 1 year ago

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I love her and she is doing nothing wrong. In fact, she’s doing EVERYTHING right. She knows how to handle my triggers (this is so huge), and she speaks life into me when my fears are holding on for theirs.

I wish I could play the conversation we had tonight. She spoke to me in ways I have only dreamed of being spoken to. She validated my feelings (important first step!!!) and then walked me through the fears.

But I think this is sending me straight into the arms of my eating disorder, and it is not her fault.

One of my biggest triggers is my own body. It was a miracle in itself that we had the sex we had this weekend. I’ve NEVER had sex that good. I’ve never been able to let go of my disgust of my body long enough to enjoy sex. I didn’t think it was possible. She isn’t hung up on her body seemingly at all, but she said she has never met someone and gone to bed with them so quickly. Me either, at least in this context. Anyway, I had an amazing time.

I triggered myself today bc I wanted to send a nsfw selfie to her since she had sent me one this morning. I tried several times but my body just made me want to throw up. Which sent me into a mental spiral — “this is what she sees, and I can’t deal with this.”

Her voice was so calm, so full of genuine care, when she said things like, “Yes, it is what I see, but your opinions about what we’re seeing are not my opinions. I will tell you this every day if you need to hear it, but I love every inch of your body and can’t wait to keep exploring it.”

She means it too. The girl kept trying to kiss every part of my body, including my belly, but I kept redirecting her because it activates my gag reflex.

At some point, she was like, “Your body could be bigger or smaller or whatever, and you will always be so sexy to me because of who you are. You are the kind, caring, communicative woman I fall harder for every day, and the body you inhabit deserves to feel good no matter what form it takes.” Obviously I’m paraphrasing, but it’s not far off.

I ended up in fetal position, naked, crying on my bed. This conversation was purely uplifting, but I still can’t accept what she’s saying.

And because of that, I can’t bring myself to eat.

On top of all of that, she is very practical and essentially said I need to get my shit together. She doesn’t mind helping now but wants me to finish the degree, take steps to move to LA, fix the credit, etc. She made it very clear it isn’t about results but about trying. She called me tf out and said she knows I’m doing enough to scrape by but she knows it isn’t the life I want, and she is ready for US to have the life WE want, together, traveling the world and just being comfortable. She (of course) wants a balanced relationship (as do I) financially and wants to live together before getting married.

I was stuck on “Demise” by Hannah Hill for several days, but now I’ve switched over to “Renegade” by Big Red Machine & Taylor. It just feels fitting.

Very “Is it insensitive for me to say “get your shit together so I can love you””-esque of my life now.

Maybe this is the crossroads. A spiritual, physical, emotional love pure enough to break some of my chains… but I have to get my shit together to fully experience it.

The eating thing though, I really don’t know how to address it. I never want to make her feel like she’s causing me harm, but her body and eating habits are massively triggering tf out of me. I can’t say that to her. Her existence shouldn’t trigger me, and if it does, I’m fucked.

She still only eats once a day and very little.

I seem to have adapted the habit. I’m very hungry now but terrified to eat because I hate my body, especially in relation to hers.

If I ruin this relationship with my fears, I will scream from the rooftops.

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wherethehellisderrymaine · 2 years ago

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March Wrap Up

Books the girl form the other side vol. 1 to 11 - finished kimetsu no yaiba el queso y los gusanos

Music ROLE MODEL pink floyd olivia rodrigo taylor swift 1975 sabina

Events 01: GOT MY PERIOD saw nico and talked about my situation. it made me angry remembering how much it hurts. how used i felt, forgotten, left alone, disrespected and played around by the last person i though (not even imagened actually) could do that to me. BUT it also made me realize that i am not ready to let him go. I REALLY want to feel loved and taken care of by him.

then i went to fetch him from work and i saw her. i had a bit of anxiety and my legs were shaking. she’s so pretty it makes me mad. she’s skinny, tall, she has nice legs, shiny traight hair, she wears cool clothes... she’s pretty and cool and she got to attract him and that hurts. I still can’t get over that. I cannot not compare myself with her. I don’t hate her though, I actually wanted to wave at her and say a polite “hi” from afar; but she didn’t make eye contact with me. she just walked around all pretty and with her head held high. I want to be able to do that and not hold any grudges against anyone. i want to be mature and confident.

we went to the park to have mates, we saw many dogs and talked a lot, then we listened to pink floyd (i really liked it) on his vynil player, made dinner and watched shingeki drinkin gin tonics. It was a good night and that makes me hopeful.

02: organice the last days of holidays.

03: lucho is sad bc I’m sad we went to the glamping - it was TERRIBLE, i will never go back BUT it was fun. we talked a lot, we listened to music, we drank lots of beer, he made a bbq and it was delicious and we had sex twice. I felt a lot closer to him even though I still feel hurt when I see him. But as he said, what happened, happened. It’s over for him and it will be over for me. I really feel like i¡m getting better. I don’t know what will happen but I know we will be ok, either together or alone.

04: breakfast at croissant watched shingeki and cried watched the lord of the rings 2 went to the market slept early bc iw as feeling a little sick. lari got mad at me for not going to her new house. i’ll go next week.

05: race day . it sucked thought a lot about my feelings and my future - i wanna work on myself. i need to move out and have my own space and my own routine. i desperatly need it.

06: back at work - i’m anxious a few issues but everything went great

12: lucho’s mother’s birthday - i felt strange being there but it was a good step forward for me.

i feel lost from time to time and i’m scared of him bc i don’t know if he’s going to play with me again.

15: sabina’s conert- i loved it. i was really nervous about it b i wanted my mother to come and she wasn’t going to but she did.

i still feel conflicted about my relationship even though it seems to be going better. i still can’t fully get over waht happened. i’m still angry and hurt and i don’t trust him completely.

16-22: i’ve been feeling really tired this week also stressed: people who know him said things about him, about his self before me and the comments were like “be careful, he is toxic, he likes going out with lost of women” and that’s ok. i don’t think that’s the person that i fell for. we both talked about our toxic traits and we are both working on them. i’m just cared to end up like one of his exes and him not wanting to have anything to do with me.

it’s terrifying to trust in someone who has the power to do anything they want with you. i don’t want him to hurt me again bc i don’t wanna be the one who ends up hating him.

watched lots of videos from Sam and Colby

23: super tired

i woke up feeling like shit. super sad and insecure. i wrtoe here and cried fora while, which helped me to feel better. lucho read the post and fel bad. i get it and i hope he believes me when i tell him that i really love him and that i’m with him bc i want to share my life with him. it’s taking me a bit long to get over what happened but i am proud if us and I have hope for the future.

24: shopping and date night with lucho i am greatful for him. he is very patient and willing to see and understand my point of view. he respects my ways of dealing with this and chooses to truste me. i’ll keep on getting better for the both of us. we wnet to the cinema, to bruder and then to a hotel. we had lots of sex and relaxed. we needed that. he gives me a lot of peace and that’s one of the many reasons why i love him,

25: we watched “te lo resumo”’s movie and it was great. we cleaned the ouse and the he brought me home before he got together with his friends.

-- me di cuenta de que me cuesta mucho confiar. en general. confiar en que no me van a mentir, que no me van a usar, que me eligen de verdad, confiar en el “a largo plazo”. nunca quise algo asi con nadie y ahora sí, lo cual me aterra pero a la vez lo necesito. quiero estar con él todos los dias, quiero que compartamos un lugar, que tengamos una rutina, poder abrazarlo a la noche, volver a él o que él vuelva a mí.

27: fui a visitarlo al trabajo porque lo extraño un monton. tambien pase por su casa a dejarle el regalo de pascua y el poema que le escribi ayer. me siento diferente. sé que mis maneras de lidiar con lo que me pasa no son las mejores, pero cada que vez hablamos, me siento más segura. me da miedo no hacerlo feliz realmente y que este cansado de estar conmigo. no quiero que “me tolere” como dice taylor swift. quiero hacerlo feliz.

31: feeling a lot better about my relationship with lucho. things are easing up at home and i feel more at peace. i just have to find a balance between my friends and him because i tend to give all my attention my my partners and that is not ok. also, that’s one of the thingd i wanna achieve this year.

off topic: i’ve been feeling super tired lately.

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runfast-runfar · 2 years ago

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Life Lately

1/29/2023

✨ life has been very up and down lately. Long story short, my current therapist who I love so much, said her supervisor will only allow her to continue working with me if I get higher care help with food stuff. So I did and have a dietician and an Ed therapist which I’ve been doing for a month now, but I literally can not afford it. I’m spending almost $600 a week (and making $800 a week) and so I can’t save any money, can’t pay off my credit card, can’t buy groceries consistently… it’s just added more stress not really resolved anything. Plus the two new therapist I am seeing I don’t really like very much, they’re not telling me ANYTHING I don’t already know… it’s that I’m not ready to fully recover. And I hate that if I’m not, the way the system is set up is to have the therapists you do have have to stop working with you to encourage “higher care” but if I can’t afford basic specialized care… how tf is higher care an option??! Ugh. It’s a mess.

I have my therapy with my long term therapist I love on Tuesday, and I’m going to talk to her about it all. I’m really REALLY hoping we can find a way for me to do my best alone and then still work together (she’s not licensed yet, she’s an associate hence having to follow her supervisors authority to a T). But I will be crushed if I can’t see her, but I genuinely can’t afford more than 1 therapist a week and i don’t want to see either other therapist over her.

✨ anyway, that’s the shitty stuff. But other things in life are pretty positive atm! Work is going well, and I am liking it as much as one can like a level entry, out of college in a field they don’t particularly want to be in, as much as could be expected lmao

But I did speak to my manager and put in some boundaries with my available work hours (I was pulling 10-12 hour days bc of my commute) and so I now leave the office at 4 instead of 5:30 three days a week cutting almost 3 hours off my work day on M, W, and F’s which has been SO needed!! Proud of myself for asserting those boundaries tbh!

✨ I went running last weekend for the first time in almost 3 months, and it actually went great! Definitely slower and that is hard to come to terms with, but I went out again this morning for another 30 minute run and I am trying to just remain grateful running is back in my life!! And I am going to try running 3 days a week for 30 minute sessions for a few weeks to see how it goes, then increase it slowly if it goes smooth!! 🤞🤞

✨ some yummy foods lately I’m obsessed with; it looks gross but is SO tasty… mashed banana with maple syrup, pb, and cinnamon on top of freshly made bread!! And then I had steel cut oats for the first time yesterday and omg game changer!!!

✨ thea is her usual, perfect, adorable, derpy self (ignore my mass pile of stuffed animals)

✨ my brother is hopefully getting a job he’s been interviewing for for a month in the next week or so, and if he does we will be looking to move out in the next month or so!! (Hence needing to be able save money/have an income…) bc I need to not live at home anymore.

✨ speaking of saving though… I did have the plan to buy myself a ps5 when I officially landed my first big girl post college job, and they just got restocked so I bought one!!! So now I reallyyyy can’t afford therapy lmao 😅 I mean I can for $110 a week with my one therapist, not $600 a week for three lol

So that comes on Wednesday so next weekend I know what I’ll be doing all day Saturday and Sunday lmao

I bought the new ratchet and clank game and then also the last of us part 1 (the show is SO good!!) and I’m so excited!!

✨ I went to the humane society last weekend and then again this weekend and it feels SO good to be going back! I hadn’t gone since September of last year due to the new job and just the anxiety and sadness around some of the animals there for so long. But I loved getting to be back! I walked this 4 month old husky named Zeus, and then Oso I TLC’d and did some mental stimulation games and he’s such a sweetie pie ugh I love them all!!!

✨ today has been a nice, somewhat lazy day! Slept in until 8am and then went on a 30 minute run, then stopped at the farmers market for a few things, came home and did a 30 minute intervals and arms peloton class with Robin Arzon :) Then I watched M3gan (lol wild!), and now I’m watching Get Out while drawing in bed with a few candles lit!

✨ not thrilled about the work week ahead, I appreciate having a job a lot but I am definitely only planning on staying at this place for a year or 2 max and then I want to segue back to social sciences bc tech is not for me long term!

✨ I want to watch one more “scary” movie (or like thriller type movie like M3gan or Get Out) tonight so any suggestions I would love! :)

✨ well, I hope you’re all doing well, and have a lovely Sunday to finish up your weekend!!

#me #life #personal #runner #running #recovery #mental health #anxiety #depression #thea #yoga #yogi #Allison Williams #M3gan #get out #weekend things #my cat #pets #tech job

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cosmicwitchcourtney · 2 years ago

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I wanted to do a nice checkin for myself. I’ve had the absolute WORST period cramps of my life and feel like there’s some energy shit going on. Also, it’s been a while and it’s nice to do this for myself :3 not a pretty pic like I like to do bc I’m j chillin in my comfies

Past: 7 of Swords and High Priestess

Feeling lack of trust at the world, and mistaking it for intuition. I’m seeing a lot of healing in this spread. This 7/Swords card right now feels scared, sneaky, lonely. Ready to lash out. High Priestess has shadow work vibes.

2. Present: Judgement and Ace of Cups

Nice release, forgiveness, healing. Opening back up to creating art and socializing with friends. Forgiving past grievances. Being forgiven.

3. Near Future: Temperance

Lovely balance and healing. Everything is okay and evens out. No more extremes.

4. How I see myself: Daughter of Cups

An artist, expressive with color, still a little childish/novice. Someone not very colorful but a reflection of the rainbow. Maybe not very confident.

5. My Environment: 5 of Swords reversed

Peace, worst is behind me. No more suffering. I can actually relax and am past the feeling of fight or flight adrenaline I used to get. Healed.

6. Hopes/Fears: 4 of Swords

Being in harms way it looks like… being an enlightened healer (gold over third eye). Mental fortitude, recovery based on booklet. Okay then so, coping skills. That makes sense, I love doing things that are good for me yet I’m lazy/hate forcing myself to do things/have to fight my zero executive dysfunction.

7. Longterm Theme/ Future based on these energies: Justice

Right now I am going to get what I’m giving. Like if I wanna blow of walking all week I’m going to just get depression mode and not get myself physically well. Also seeing a karma cycle finally ending. Maybe my family stuff because I think about it so little and it doesn’t get me emotionally like it used to.

8. Message from Spirit: Magician

I can DO IT! I have what I need and the o my thing holding me back is me. Manifestation powers strong. It’s time to empower myself. I am my own advocate. I am the only one I can truly rely on to get accomplished the things I want. And I’m capable, I just need to find more ways to empower myself and feel confident in myself!

OTHER NOTES: 5 Major Arcana indicates a long term timeline in these energies, a Soul development/life lesson type thing. There are a lot of Swords present even on cards that are not in the suit of Swords, indicating this is heavily a mental matter and with cups, emotional, so having to do with some mental illness or struggle such as PTSD. Overall in the cards I see overcoming some heavy energies and releasing them once and for all. But this isn’t naturally going to happen I also have to be taking action to facilitate the process. Lots of self care like I’ve been doing.

I really wanted to save this reading because it felt important to remind myself of it later. writing in my journal can be a lot bc of my cyst in my wrist and this way I can save the photo too! Lol I’m gonna be so sad if tumblr is gone someday. It really is like my digital journal.

anyway if you want your own reading, send me a message! ✨🦔

#Tarotreading #tarot journal #journaling #tarot witch #Tarotjournal

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the-bi-space-ace · 10 months ago

Text

Thanks @eclec-tech for the tag!

Let’s get started!!!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

2. What's your total A03 word count?

352,072

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Actively? Star Wars. Particularly the clones. But I’ve written for Pathologic 2 & Stargate SG-1

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Write on me

Oh, Shut Up

In Their Own Ways

A Matter of Trust

You’re Calling Me Home Like A Ship That Got Wrecked

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

YESSSSSSSS. I am a little late sometimes (bc my brain doesn’t always work so good) but I will always respond. I love responding to comments. I love the conversation. I love hearing what people have to say. I love it. I love all of it.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

A Promise Kept

Oof.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Maybe Distractions. Or Valentine’s Day on the Marauder. Both have fluffier concepts and fluffier endings. Very low stakes fics that are just meant to be sweet.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I’ve only gotten two or three shitty comments and they’ve all been fairly tame. So I don’t really get hate but there are definitely people who do not like my writing choices & that’s totally fine.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes sir I do. It was all kind of tame at first but I’ve gotten spicier! I’ve gotten more confident writing it! I’m interested in writing more smut and making it more detailed. I was definitely a little scared of making it too explicit at first but I think I’m ready to write spicier stuff tbh. I just have to find the right situation and the right ship and just let myself go. My spiciest so far is a Pathologic fic actually. Something took me over during that one.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

No! But I could someday.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nah.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Bro I have no clue. I sure do dabble in CodyWan. I love Merrin/Cal. I am currently very invested in a ship from a web comic called Shaderunners and that ship is Easton/Ezra. Taken me over tbh. But I don’t write ship stuff too often. I read A LOT of it but I’m not picky about the ship (if that makes sense). I’ll read Good Omens fic then immediately pivot to some RDR2 stuff and there’s no rhyme or reason to it. Just whichever ship is going to give me the vibes I want. Depends on if I wanna read smut or not too. This answer is too long now but I had words 😅

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Honestly? It’s nothing that I have posted rn but I have a wip in my folder that I desperately want to finish called ‘Hunter is a tired dad’. Premise is that Hunter and Echo aren’t really bonding all that well at first and Hunter can’t figure out why he’s the only one having issues with their newbie. He finds some old ‘how to bond with your step child’ book at a thrift store while they’re all on some planet and is like well that kinda applies I’ll see if it has good advice. (He steals it… his options are so limited lol). The batch finds it and they all have so much fun making fun of him and Echo is so charmed by this awkward man who is trying so hard that it fixes all the difficulty between them. Very fun and cracky concept that I love because it highlights one of my favorite Hunter qualities: he’s endearingly awkward but he’s trying his best.

I WANNA FINISH IT BUT IT PLAGUES ME. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO GIVE ME PROBLEMS?

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I have a good sense of balance. Balancing character growth with plot. Angst with fluff. I’m good at finding a middle ground and finding places where the tension can be appropriately broken to make their interactions more realistic and natural. I don’t like writing straightforward plot all the time so I throw in extra scenes or fluff or something to break the tension and make myself more interested.

I also describe emotions really well. It really is where I thrive. I can get really lost in the emotions of a situation and write it for pages. I have to cut things out sometimes because I’ve ranted about how someone is sad for two pages lol. I like that about myself.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I don’t use Star Wars words. I genuinely refuse to my partner edits for me and has to change so much bc I refuse to write the word ‘flimsi’ or ‘kriff’.

I also overthink my writing and get frustrated. I will spend weeks trying to sort out a chapter and stare at it and rewrite and talk to my partner about what’s wrong with it and then I can’t even make progress because I’m so caught up on a detail that doesn’t really matter. I make myself cry sometimes when it’s really not that deep and I should just have fun with it and write something down. Or write something else for a little while.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I have not done it yet but I think it’s a nice touch when I see it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

If you wanted the og answer from back in my Wattpad days it’s Teen Wolf or Supernatural but I can’t remember (and it’s not on the internet). First fandom you can still find on the internet? Bad batch.

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

Ooh tough one.

I reread some of my favorites last night and Oh, Shut Up still has me in a chokehold. Soft and protective Crosshair has my whole heart and his brand of affection is still a little prickly which I just love. Idk there’s something about that one. It was my first ever fanfic that I posted on Ao3 and it has a special place in my heart.

Keep These Shadows Out is up there too. I love that fic so much it’s unreal. It’s my favorite long fic by far. I love the plot and the story really keeps me interested in writing more for it which I love. This one, at least in my opinion, is the fic that actually challenged me to write something more cohesive and I am very proud of it.

NPT: @floundrickthewayfarer @saturn-sends-hugs

20 Questions for Fic Writers

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

23 public but I’ve archived 26 so total of 49!

2. What's your total A03 word count?

344,609

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Star Wars! Specifically the clone wars and bad batch eras

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

I Bleed the Same (M)

Evenly Trimmed (E)

Phonetic Convergence (T)

Two Years to the Day (T)

Getting Some in the Gunship (E)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I love gushing with people who are excited about the same things that I am. Also to give my thanks for taking the time to read my works.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I guess the only one that followed canon where Wolffe makes it to where Rex and Ahsoka can’t have contact

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

All of them except the above mentioned

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not that I’m aware of! I do have a secret hater from afar though hehe

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do!! And I’m not sure lol. The nothing-is-left-to-the-imagination kind? Copious use of the words cock and cunt? What do you want me to say?

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Also not that I’m aware of! ALSO ALSO! I just want to take this opportunity to say that fics that share ideas or tropes don’t count as plagiarism. Unless it’s a word for word verbatim copy, please touch grass.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! It was such a good experience and I highly recommend!!

Sheevy SithDonald’s (E)

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Rexsoka!! 💙🧡

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

All of the other longfic ideas I have lmao

16. What are your writing strengths?

I guess writing the thoughts of all characters present? Third person omniscient I believe

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Writing action scenes. Actually, anything that’s not romance or smut, I’m staring into the void of the google doc

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

In a fictional language? Sparse use of Mando’a can be fun! I’ve not yet attempted an irl language other than English

19. First fandom you wrote for?

…One Direction… please don’t look at me I do not wish to be perceived

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

Evenly Trimmed (E)

Thank you @sleepingbeauty21 for tagging me! This one was really fun!!

No pressure tags @whyamismall / @maxrebofeetpics / @melting-houses-of-gold / @taylorswiftscar / @lamaenthel and whoever else wants to!

#I loved this one #made me think a lot #tons of fun #thanks for the tag 🩶#I couldn’t decide what color my links should be so they are ALL the colors!!!

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lunebits · 2 years ago

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how i study with autism

hello !! so i never really see anything about trying to survive the hell that is high school when you’re trying to study with autism ?-?!? so i wanted to make one with my own tips !! it’ll be organized by section dw <3

part one: morning/night routines + going to school

it’s important to know what you can/cannot do! (the things i can’t do i call “land mines” btw bc if i do them it’s only a matter of time before i explode) for example: waking up before 6:15am for me is a landmine. studying in the morning is a landmine. being late is a landmine, etc.

also, for me mornings are usually overstimulating, so i read and i wear my comfiest clothes and use a blanket when i’m eating breakfast !!

basically the whole point is to make a morning routine that avoids your landmines! and gives you ample time to get ready to go out into the world.

at night, i give myself a hard stop time. i have to get things done, or at least partially done, by that time. for me, it’s 9:45 !! when i stop at that time, it gives me time to unmask in my room and stim before going to bed.

also keep your routines simple. i always have trouble remembering really complex routines! so usually i remember that i have to read, take care of my hygiene, pick clothes out, and go to bed.

i’m not saying you should go to sleep late or early, but if a lack of sleep causes you to meltdown the next day …. GO TO SLEEP !!!!!!

for the longest time i felt really weird bc i went to school w/o a comfort item before i realized … my phone is my comfort item … ANYWAY the point is being a comfort item to school ++ anything else to get you through that sensory hell.

most of the time, you can spend lunch in the library if the cafeteria is too much for you. also, go to the bathroom for a few minutes when you get overwhelmed during class. it’s helpful, and i promise you look normal. don’t worry.

part two: planning

my two main systems planning programs are google calendar + todomate. they’re easy to be flexible with and they’re easy to use!

i write my tasks during the day using todomate. it’s just easier. then, to motivate myself later when i’m working, i write them in my bullet journal.

i actually Don’t Timeblock because i tend to feel really stressed when i get off schedule by even just a minute.

instead i work in hour long blocks using a 50/10 work/break pomodoro thingy ;; and i don’t assign tasks to each block either i just do them as best i can. for me, it reduces stress bc usually i can look at my todo list where i’ve defined exactly what i need to do and then just work for as long as i need. my only concern is stopping by 9:45.

i use a notion calendar to plan my studying for tests. here’s how i plan for them !! :

i usually give myself (if possible) a week before a big test to study the material. under the event, i add a todo list that where i put exactly what i need to do on what day to stay on track. the important thing is to not overcrowd a day! NEVER !!! extend the amount of days you need to study if you have to, but never overcrowd a day. especially if you don’t know your workload before that day.

overall, keep it simple. planning isn’t actually doing, so don’t overexert yourself when planning. it’s important to understand yourself !!

part three: actually doing stuff !

lets be honest — assignments are actually hell and i hate them but i have to do them to get good grades

essays: break down the prompt or assignment task and outline your essay RIGHT AWAY. ik it’s hard to get an idea initially, but a little brainstorming doesn’t hurt. a lot of the time, you can actually implement stuff about your special interest in them to make arguments and points, etc. also, plan out when you’re gonna write what parts of the essay. and follow said schedule.

general homework assignments: usually these are completion, so honestly just sit down and get them the fuck done. the most important thing is that you actually understand what you’re doing. i mean, do you really understand how to solve that math problem? what that literature discussion question is asking?

projects: do your part of the project. break the parts down and delegate them to different days and actually do the project. also, i try to work alone most of the time bc it’s just easier, so do try to ask about working alone if you need to.

i can preach about actually doing shit but that doesn’t keep the demons that are executive dysfunction, anxiety, and depression at bay. here’s how i deal with them:

executive dysfunction: mine usually goes away with a plan. if i physically can’t bring myself to do something, i set a timer for 10 minutes, where i promise myself at the end of that time i’ll do something. usually something completely unrelated to work like making tea or tying my hair up. usually that’s enough to get me moving and actually get me to my desk, or at least pull something to do out.

anxiety: this is literally going to sound silly but i actually just make tea. the tea is warm and it grounds me, and it forces me to get up. i also get a blanket and wear something comfy. and usually on bad anxiety days i try to get done earlier, or just do the bare minimum.

depression: this is especially prevalent for me on the weekends. i am so lethargic on the weekends. the first thing i fucking do is actually shower. go take that shower. if you’re still not feeling it, make your favorite drink, even if it’s just drinking gatorade at 3am. go play your favorite instrument or do a puzzle. just do something. hopefully, it’ll be enough to get you to do some of your work. remember, doing bare minimum is completely fine. you don’t have to do everything at 110%. things can be 50%, 60%, or even 35% if that’s bare minimum.

part four: actually studying

here’s where i have to be like … this is what works for me. and you can adjust things as you need. also keep in mind that i go to a stem school lol

general and misc studying tips

body-doubling helps me a lot, so i study or work with study with me videos online. they come in all types, so it’s easy to find one that fits me for that day.

choose music your brain can take for that day. some days, i can study perfectly with lyrical music. but other days it’s too much so i need instrumental music.

oh, read textbooks like they’re books first. i swear. i usually go slower when i’m trying to take notes on the textbook. but if i read the textbook first like i’m just reading it for the sake of it, suddenly it gets less daunting and i can take notes later when i go through it again.

general review process (this is an everyday thing, usually.)

i collect the notes i took from my classes that day

i reformat them but make it fun style (ex: history notes are turned into a mind map or review questions, math notes are turned into me explaining a problem, etc.)

that’s literally it — these will be important for studying later.

studying process (basic process of how i actually study)

class notes — take notes and ask questions if you don’t understand smth.

general review (see above)

study for the assessment a week before.

ok this section is actually how i study for assessments

i always ALWAYS identify my weak spots first. to do this, i take one practice test or complete a review sheet my teachers gave me. if there isn’t one, i make my own review questions (these are usually for more concept based subjects)

then i ask my teachers questions if i don’t understand something. they should be open to helping you.

actual review methods now !! here’s what i do:

problem-based subjects (math, mostly):

i set a timer for 10 minutes and do as many problems as i can. idk why but i find this hilariously fun. i grade myself after and then reward myself with something — very often a sip of tea.

also most of the time i think of it like solving a puzzle, so i generalize solving into a process scheme, which i write down. (ex: step one: isolate y, etc.)

the bottom line is that practice questions are your best fucking friend. be buddies with those practice questions. so millions of them until you’re comfortable with the fact that you can do most of them.

content-based subjects (history, literature):

ok honestly i basically make a dnd game out of history. LISTEN ITS FUN OK like history is a series of events in your campaign and you can walk through the way things affected people and use fun dnd terminology if you need to.

also those mindmaps from your general review earlier? yeah those. use them !!! i do whats called blurting, where you essentially just dump everything you remember down. use the mindmap you made to check your understanding.

sometimes, like for art history, i’ll use flashcards to study. actually go through them — don’t just make them and call it a day and never look at them again. for me, i randomly separate them into piles. if i get through a pile without getting any wrong, i give myself a treat! if i don’t, i move on and just repeat that pile again later.

concept based subjects (like science):

science sucks for this but most of the time you need to understand and internalize the concepts so that you can apply it to questions. ap style questions do this a lot.

like with history, i do a lot of blurting. talking out loud also helps me think through how to explain things.

i also have this mind palace game where i assign a particular room in my house to a particular topic. then, i go to that room, recall everything i know and check myself. if i got it all right and didn’t forget smth, i take an item from that room and move onto the next. if i didn’t get it all right, i still move onto the next room, and i’ll repeat that room again later.

textbooks usually have good review questions. DO THEM!!!!!! and use the textbook to revise your answers and then answer them again.

ok i honestly think that’s it pls tell me if i can add stuff

#being autistic #autism #studyblr #studying with anxiety #studying with autism #study motivation #study tips

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happyselves · 3 years ago

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Missing Birthday { Daniel Ricciardo x reader } /// WARNING EXPLICIT ///

Chapter : One shot inspired by a prompt Rating : Mature / Explicit / NSFW

Words : 3.827

Prompt : Hello there!. can i request a prompt where it was (y/n)’s birthday and he missed daniel so much bcs it’s been 3 weeks since she hadn’t seen him bcs of the triple header. but he completely forgot about her bday and he went out with his friends. and he just realized when he went back to his flat and he saw (y/n) was crying. im so sorry bcs it’s too long, thank you so much😊💓

I am sorry in advance to this anon because I totally switch to something else as I wasn't feeling the Daniel's vibe in this, so I made it my own thing and got carried away ♥

Daniel hated it, he knew that he had to be away for three week the same time as your birthday and will be missing it big time. He knew as well that with the timezone difference he won't probably be able to call you and be there with you at least on the phone to celebrate it and he couldn't do anything about that.

He needed to be 100% with the team that weekend, after the bad result he was trying’ had and of course you understand and you were doing what you can to support him as well and to not show that not having him with youfirst your first birthday as his girlfriend was hurting you.

You hated feeling like this, but you couldn’t help it, it was that big hole in your chest every time you were thinking about him being on the other side of the planet. Will you be alone for this special day? You had left almost everyone to follow him and with the covid restriction there was no way you could see your family or friends that day, they would be there in your heart and a phone call away but you … in that big empty apartment in London waiting for him to come back home.

He had promised you to celebrate it as soon as he heads home, no matter how tired he would be from the timezone. You didn’t want him to put so much effort in it, feeling more bad about him going to so much trouble for a birthday.

What you didn’t know is that Daniel had prepared a couple of surprises. Not being here physically didn’t mean that he wouldn’t be here that day.

When the famous date came, here you were alone, drinking your coffee, ready to spend a long and boring day when the door ring was covering the silence in the room. When you open the door you find a man standing in front of you, hidden by a big bouquet of flowers, your favorite flowers, giving them to you with a little letter attached to it. He leaves you without a word and you close the door.

The flowers were beautiful and the scent was balming the whole room.

❦ ❦ ❦

“ My love, I know I am not here for you today, we both know that I wish to be here next to you as you woke up this morning, seeing your pretty face, your messy hair and especially how much I wish to see your reaction as you were receiving those flowers. You know I am not good with words, I’m shitting myself right now but a part of you knows that I am a hopeless romantic. During the day I’ve prepared little things for you. They are hiding in the house for some, and for others you will need to get out of here and explore the city. Call that a tresor hunt if you want to.

I know how difficult it is for you to be alone today. You gave up everything for me and sacrificed so much for us and I will always be grateful for it. I am falling more and more each minute I spend with you and it is the most beautiful disease a man could suffer from. Love because I love you so much baby.

Happy Birthday, and don’t have too much fun without me, keep some so we can have it together

Forever yours, Daniel “

❦ ❦ ❦

It was only morning and this man had already made you cry once, he found a way to be present to you without being physically here, creating something special because he knew you would be alone and he didn’t want you to feel alone.

You receive a text from him, just a couples words, instructions to be precise

”On my desk, laptop, you know the password “

You almost run to the office room, sitting on his chair, his already worn hoodie sitting on his chair, his scent tickling your nose, you didn’t hesitate to wear it. It was like he was here with you, hugging you in that hoodie.

You opened the laptop and put the day the first time you two met as the password, of course it opened right away, showing a button play to a video he certainly didn’t make alone. Daniel sucks at technology, he must have asked Blake or Michael to help him set this up.

The video started playing, it was a video of you two on your first date, not a very original place, a park not very well known in the city. You thought the video was done until you heard his voice.

“ You know where to search next, oh and the hoodie, you better send me a picture of you in it there if you want to know the next step “

He had found a way to put excitement in your day, and it gave him such a hard time preparing all this.

❦ ❦ ❦

You quickly prepare and run out of the house, driving until the destination, finding the exact spot of where the video was taken. You were remembering everything, how shy you two were, you weren’t even that much of a friend, you just met each other at a party with commun friends. It was a cold day, exactly like this one, the sky was menacing to release the first white and cold cover on the ground. The first snow, you were on vacation in London with a friend before going back to your country and it was your last day.

Without announcing anything to your friends that day you literally ditched them to meet up with that handsome boy that was way too drunk to have any sense when he asked you out, but somehow you weren’t scared, a gut feeling in your heart made you trust him instantly.

You never regretted your choice to go that day, sitting on the ground, watching the river in front of you, couples holding hands as they were enjoying the weather, you had felt his hands caressing the top of yours. Daniel never watched the view, his only view was you that day.

All these memories rushing back into you, you understand what Daniel was trying to do. He was recreating your first unofficial date but very official for you two. The beginning of your story.

Your phone starts buzzing, indicating you receive another text, you haven't forgotten the picture and you quickly send a selfie to him with his hoodie on and read his message.

❦ ❦ ❦

“ You and I equal us, if you want something sweet, the rainbow of colour replacing that dark sky in the night will be your next destination but before that remember the day is still early and the light won’t show up yet, where did we go ?”

The only thing you could think about was going to the theater you two went back then and that is why with your car you went to your next place.

Arriving at the cinema you check the movies list as an automatic thing, finding out the same movie you two watched was replaying exclusively today. How could he know, how did he do it, you couldn’t believe that he had taken so much information and given himself this much work for you.

As you wanted to pay your ticket, someone told you it had already been taken care off, giving you everything in your hands, exactly the same stuff you ordered that day, a bag of popcorn with some coke soda to go with it.

Daniel was crazy, he was literally insane to have thought of everything.

You sit in the room, the same place you two were, on the top of it, on the corner where nobody could see you and recognize Daniel back then. You remembered chatting and giggling like two teenagers hiding behind a door after getting caught to a place you two weren’t supposed to be at.

You remind yourself of how your cheeks flutter when your two hands touch again, trying to both reach out for the popcorn. How then his hands decide to find another purpose, sitting on your thigh making you lose focus on the move ahead.

Your stomach jumps by the memory at the same time your phone buzzes again.

“ Tell yourself that I am here just next to you, that we are two sneaky little monster that exchange kisses in a room full of people unaware of anything, my hand slowly caressing your legs and me whispering how much I want you, I go a little bit of scenario here because that’s not what happened that day, but you have no idea how much this idea was trying to burst out of my brain back that day. Enjoy the movie now”

Of course you couldn’t focus on the movie, stress eating your whole popcorn in the beginning of the movie, thinking about his last message. About how he just admitted to you his devilish thoughts back then and how much you two could have shared your first kiss there because you two were thinking about it at the same time. How much you find him extremely attractive even in the dark, the only source of light coming from the screen exposing his perfect features, how much his hands on you made your body react on it’s own and how the thought of it today was still bringing the exact same effect on you today.

You were out of the theater, walking around the streets of London when you received another text.

❦ ❦ ❦

“ Remember the message I've sent about finding the rainbow light in the dark sky, well it must start to be the night where you are and it is time for your new quest. You already know where to go, hopefully you remembered as well where we get treats together that day because there is something waiting for you there”

Of course you knew, Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park was here every year for 6 weeks and that is where Daniel brings you on your first date. You even remembered where you two took candy floss. It was way too big for you that your head was hidden behind it, making you hear for the first time Daniel’s genuine laugh out loud. That laugh that was just for you, how proud you felt that day to be the one to get that sound out of him just by being you.

You head to the fun fair and admire the lights there. It was full of joy, kids running around showing the stuffed toy they wanted, teenagers and young couples waiting in line to do the crazy rollercoaster that Daniel and you both were terrified of doing.

You did play a bit, catching some stuff, making memories on your own while still having Daniel close to your heart, a huge teddy bear in your hand to replace the missing hand of your boyfriend.

You end up in front of the little open shop that was selling treats and someone recognizes you and comes to you, putting you aside from the crowd. You didn’t understand what was happening and it was too loud to get what the nice lady was saying to you but what you got was that Daniel that sneaky bean came a week ago, asking for this lady to prepare a little something for you with a letter. She gives you that letter with the same candy floss you ate on that day.

“You are a very lucky woman to have a man like yours young lady, very lucky”

You were flustered from her words, she could have seens your cheeks getting pinker if they weren’t hiding in your scarff.

You eat your treat as you get out of the fest, waiting to be back at your car to open that letter.

❦ ❦ ❦

“Baby, this was the last piece of the puzzle, from now on you must be on your way home. I remembered every bit of that day, every wave of electricity that traveled under my skin by seeing your smile and feeling your hands.

That moment when we finally arrived in front of your hotel door, incapable of letting each other go, I didn't notice I went with you there. How stressed I was, knowing that you would leave soon and that if I wasn’t making a move I would regret it for the rest of my life.

Your eyes closing when I approach your face to kiss you, giggling and slapping myself internally. The way when our lips touched it was like a new world opening in front of my eyes. How once I kissed you I knew I would follow you around all my life and wouldn’t be able to live without you.

There is no hotel room anymore but our home, and I am not here to make the perfect first date replica, so I tried my best to do something for you.

You will see once you get home, I love you so much.”

❦ ❦ ❦

What did he prepare again, you couldn’t believe this man, you didn’t deserve this much attention, you didn’t need much you just needed him …

You were home, pulling the car in the garage before going to the front door. The surprise you get when opening the door was immense. Red roses petals everywhere, candles as well, balloons on the ceiling with pictures of you two hanging on the strings. A beautiful flower cake on the table with candles ready to be blown out. Someone came in while you were away … Your phone buzzed once again.

“I had to find a way to keep you outside of our home for someone to prepare everything, I know you’re home … enjoy every bits of it my love ps : There is a bubble bath waiting for you with a glasses of wine, I thought it would be the nice touch after walking in the cold all day”

This man had a plan, from A to Z and if you hadn’t realised how much of a perfect boyfriend he was then you needed to clean your eyes. One day you will join him down the hotel, ready to say yes and another day you will be hands in hands in a delivery room to welcome your kids together. You were sure this man was the man of your life, the one true love that movies and books get inspired by.

❦ ❦ ❦

Later that night :

❦ ❦ ❦

You were full of cakes, clean with a nice rose scent on your skin, it was late and you calculated the time difference from where you were and where he was. It was 4am here and you were sure he was about to go to bed.

His picture appearing on your phone indicating he was calling you was proof of it.

You jump on the phone, getting the call at the first ring.

“I knew you wouldn’t be asleep”

“How can I be asleep after you did all of this for me today ?”

He sounded tired, but happiness was somehow noticeable in his voice, he was proud of his sneaky plan.

“I hope you liked it and that you spend a good day despite me not being here”

“I did even if I wish you could be next to be in our bed right now … I need you”

You whispered that last part, not in a shameful way, more in an innocent one. This whole treasure hunt makes you need him more, remembering the burning desire you had in you on that first date. Wishing you would have let the desire decide for you, would it have changed anything ? No but you would have tasted what it was to be properly taken care of sooner.

You discovered a new way to love and to have fun with Daniel, finding out a new side of you that you thought were only for others. You liked the dirty, the filthy the obsession, the dominance and more than anything you like sex with him.

Daniel had made you feel like a woman, a strong and beautiful one, learning about your body, about your needs and what you liked. He changes you forever just by the power of his touch.

“Do you want to have a little fun ?”

You could see his smirk behind not visibly being able to see him. It was for the best you were facetiming, only hearing his deep tired voice was adding more spice to what was about to come. You know what he was meaning by little fun, you had done it before. You moaned a quick yes, already excited from his command.

“You know I am not here so I need to hear you tell me what you want and express how you feel alright love?”

“Yes … “

“Yes who ?”

“Yes … Sir !”

You were already shivering by the passion, you knew you had no right to do anything without him asking you to. No undressing, no touching yourself and you wouldn’t even dare letting your thoughts tell your hand to open that drawer to take toys… It was forbidden.

“Good girl, did you know that picture of you in my hoodie had some effect on me ? I thought of it all day, having to control myself not to lock myself in a bathroom to take care of it.”

“ No sir I didn’t know I am sorry”

You were trying not to giggle but one escaped your lips by accident.

“Yeah I know it’s funny, but would you be laughing if I was here with you ?”

“ No sir”

“Did you touch yourself in the bath”

Of course you did, but should you admit it to him, frustrating him even more ?

“Yes I did”

You hear the breathing against the speaker but you couldn’t point out what he was thinking or doing.

“What are you wearing”

“Only the tshirt you let on the chair in our bedroom”

The breath was replaced by a growl, the sound of his rubbing sheet showing a true discomfort on his side of the phone, trying to find a position where his bulge wouldn’t bother him much.

Imagine him alone in white sheet, one hand on the phone, the other one touching himself, you couldn’t help but to have your own hand going under that shirt.

“You better not have your hand between your legs love, I need you to have a little more build-up before it, what do you feel”

Arghhh you like the game you truly do but you needed it, it was already pretty build-up for you.

“Well if I may sir, please let me be a bad girl, talk back to you … i fucking need you Daniel, don’t let me wait too long.”

He liked having you submissive. There were no negatives in that, but when you break character and when you let the lion inside of you, tell what you want, affirm yourself and carry your desire, that’s when Daniel loves you the most. He loved every part of it, from your eyes shifting darker, your hands holding a strong grip on you, you taking full control of the situation, and to be honest no matter how much he sounded obscene, he liked turning into your toy. His pleasure and yours becoming one.

“You may, tell me more, you know where is my hand right now, I know you do”

“You better think of me while touching yourself. Imagine how I am right now, sitting on your laps, riding your thighs as your hands are going under my shirt to remove it”

As you were describing what you wanted, you proceed to execute some of the commands. Releasing your breast from the shirt, removing it slowly, your stomach giving you butterflies as you close your eyes and imagine his hands on you. The human brain was a wonderful and intelligent thing, puting the memory back in your hands, making you feel the warmth and the caress of his touch on you like it was real.

“Continue”

He was already so out of breath, you were biting your lips not caring if they will leave a mark afterward.

“You know that at some point I wish your fingers would brush me, teasing me the way you do, taking your time to make me wet. My fingers can never replace yours.”

You were playing with your clit, taking the wetness and lubricating the whole area.

“Tell me how dirty you like me, how you love me when I am wild and screaming in the room no caring about who could hear us, introducing one by one your finger to stretch me, preparing me for your dick.”

You were both touching yourself, whining and winging your way, slowly building your respective orgasm.

“Fuck you turn the game baby, that’s not fair, I had the upper hands !”

He takes his time to say this sentence, panting zand catching his breath at every word, accentuating them all.

“You can’t be the most romantic boyfriend and expect me not to be so turned on by your gesture, wanting you even more than when you are here next to me. Do you know how much I had to resist not to open the drawer and take the biggest one to pleasure myself. That was my plan for the day, fucking myself with them all imagining it was you .. all day Daniel ! “

The buzzing sound of the sextoy you just took was joining your moaning mess. You had to drop the phone and put Daniel on speaker. The only sound that was coming was his growling and wincing sound as he was jerking himself off. You know he couldn’t do small talk when he was about to come so you continue, knowing damn well he was listening to you.

“ I hate that toy, I prefer you, you know that. Sir … imagine me begging for you to go deeper and deeper, pounding in me, my wetness all over you as you slam back in me, feel my nail digging in your skin baby because I am so close to cum”

“Cum … for … me “

Sluttering, flustered, you both were close and his deep words tearing every word like he was begging you to help him. Only your two voices being the only way you two could feel each other's presence. You push the toy deeper one last time, cuming around it and screaming his name.

As you were catching your breath after the exalting orgasm you just experienced you hear him whispering yours, jerking himself, taking every bit of sperm out of his tips, covering the sheets from his semence.

“Fuckkkkk, how am I going to explain that I need to change them now”

Your lungs were trying to get filled with air when you let a tired laugh out.

“Well I guess it is happy birthday to me after all”

MASTERLIST

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skinnyducky · 3 years ago

Text

made for you // v.h.

hello.. im sorry i havent been posting. school has been keeping me busy but i wanted to post this. this idea comes from @yelenasdarling so thank you ! i recommend listening to halley’s comet by billie eilish (as well as the whole album) bc that’s the song that is being discussed in this (as well as many others), so yuh. enjoy ! and i promise i haven’t forgotten about party @ y/ns !

vinnie hacker x singer!fem!reader

Word Count: 1408, edited

WARNING: MAJOR FLUFF LUV

---------

As the year was coming to an end, so was your debut album. For months, you’d been working with the best producers, musicians, and doing endless promo for this album and within a few days, you’d be playing it for the label. Obviously because it is your first record, you’re protective over it. No one had heard it besides the people working on it. So, you were a bit nervous to let your pleading boyfriend, Vinnie, tag along to the studio with you.

It was Friday, and you two had been chilling in his room when your producer, Sarah, said she needed you to go over it before the label meeting. As you bid your goodbyes to Vinnie, informing him of the reason for your departure, he pouted. “Why can’t I come?” he nearly cried, giving you his puppy dog eyes. Because you couldn’t resist them—and you just can’t say “no” to him—you allowed him to come.

Now here the two of you were, in the studio and listening to Sarah go on and on about how long it took for her to finish mastering it. Your manager, Jen, had came too. She had to hear the album for herself also. She couldn’t have her client looking a mess in front of her bosses. Bad for business and her reputation.

“…and after an hour or two of making sure your vocals were clear, I finally finish the album.” Sarah explained. “Honestly, this is probably the best album I’ve produced in a minute, and I worked on SZA’s album.”

“That good?” Vinnie asked with a smirk, leaning against the studio door. “That’s sick. I’m ready to listen to it.”

As that sentence left Vinnie’s mouth, you felt your anxiety overcome you. “Are you sure, Sarah? There has to be some sort of adlib I need to rework or something. Can’t be ready so soon.”

“Y/n, it can’t get any better than this. This is a solid project. I should know, I spent days listening to it over and over again. Trust me, it’s ready.”

“Besides, it’s too late to rerecord now.” Jen added. “The label meeting is next Thursday, and we don’t have a week for Sarah to mix and master all over again. Once the label gives us the greenlight, if there’s anything to tweak, you can do it before you have to submit the final project. But until then, no changes and no additions.”

You sighed, nodded your head. It’s not that you were afraid of it not being perfect. You were more scared of what Vinnie would think. I mean, he’s the one who inspired the album; more than half of the songs are about him. His opinion meant everything to you, and if he didn’t like an inch of it…that would destroy you.

As you were sulking and picking at your chipped nail polish, Vinnie wandered over to you where you sat at the soundboard with Sarah. He leaned against it and smiled down at you. “What’s the matter, baby?”

“Nothing.” You sighed, keeping your head down. He scoffed and chuckled. “Y/n, you’re playing with your nail polish. You always do that when you’re upset.”

He pulled you up and took you out of your seat before sitting down himself and placing you on his lap. “Tell Santa what’s up.” He joked, wrapping his arms around your waist.

“I’m just nervous. This album means so much to me.”

“Completely understandable. It’s your first one, it should mean a lot to you.”

You shook your head. “It’s not just because of that. It’s also because it’s about you. The only reason you haven’t came with me to the studio until now is because I didn’t want you to hate anything on this, and it would kill me if you did.”

“Y/n, look at me”—you finally met his eyes for the first time—“I could never not like anything you do. Especially if it’s dedicated to me. That’s like throwing away a gift you gave me. I wouldn’t ever do that. So don’t think for a minute that I’d hate this. That’s literally impossible.”

You smiled, planting a kiss on his forehead. “You’re too good for me.”

“I know.” He laughed and turned to Sarah. “Play us the album!” He said dramatically, sending the producer into a fit of giggles.

She followed his orders and with a few clicks and the press of a button, the first song from your album rang out from the studio speakers. You watched timidly as Vinnie bobbed his head up and down as it went from track to track.

“This shit slaps!” He exclaimed as “Y/n Bossa Nova” played. He nearly about died during “Oxytocin”, claiming it to be god tier. Minutes went by until you got to the final track “Halley’s Comet”, and you were scared to play him this song.

While the other tracks were quite playful in nature, this one was different. The song was a bit cynical, but it was also like a love letter to Vinnie. Never before have you ever felt what you had with him. And at first that made you scared. But as the months went by and your relationship started to blossom, you realized he was the one for you. This was just your way of telling him that.

When it started, you looked everywhere but at Vinnie. It wasn’t just because you couldn’t bear to see the expression on his face, but also because this song was quite emotional. You didn’t want him to see you “being a little bitch” as you put it.

The sound of your soft vocals bounced off the walls and you felt Vinnie place his chin on your shoulder. His hold on you grew tighter as he swayed you two back forth. A small smile crept it’s way onto your face as you tried your best to stray away from crying.

“I’ve been loved before, but right now in this moment,” you sung, “I feel more and more like I was made for you…”

When those lyrics hit, you felt Vinnie stop swaying. Hell, you were pretty sure he had stopped breathing too. You didn’t know what to think about that; did he not like the song, is he shocked? What was he thinking and feeling? Shortly after, the song came to an end with you singing, “I think I might have fallen in love…what am I to do?”

And with that, the album finished. The room was silent, the only sound being your sniffles. Although that was broken when Sarah screamed. “Wasn’t that amazing!? Ugh, my power…I really outdid myself on this one.”

Thankfully, Jen understood the impact of that last song. “Sarah, why don’t we go get a Snickers or something from the vending machine?”

“I can’t eat anything fatty, Jen. You know this.”

Jen mouthed some profanities and threats at the woman causing her to shoot up from her chair and run out into the hallway. “We’ll leave you two alone for a minute.” Jen smiled, leaving the room and shutting the door behind her.

Neither of you or Vinnie spoke and that somewhat was comforting. However, part of it made you feel insecure about the album, “Halley’s Comet” in specific. Out of all the songs, that’s the one you wanted him to like the most.

The silence soon grew uncomfortable, so you decided to be the first to speak. “Well, that was the album. What’d you think?”

He opened his mouth, but it was obviously he couldn’t find the right words to say. “I-I don’t know how to even put it in words.”

“That bad?” You sighed.

“No, never.” He laughed. “It was beautiful, all of it really. And that last song, that was amazing.”

You pursed your lips, hiding the grin wanting to break free. “You think so?”

“Yeah, it was definitely one of my favorites. To know I had that much of an impact on you, it’s really sweet. I didn’t think I could simp for you any harder than I do now.”

“Shut up!” you laughed, slapping his shoulder.

“It’s the truth!” he said, throwing his hands up in defense. “I love you, Y/n. I really do.”

“I love you too.” And with that, he laid a sweet and gentle kiss on your lips.

Pulling back, he said, “Oh and just so you know, I agree with you.”

“On what?”

“You were definitely made for me.”

#vinnie hacker x reader #vinnie x reader #vinnie hacker imagine #vinnie hacker

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selfcarecap · 3 years ago

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How about a fic like the one u did with Peter Parker not being comfortable with sex but it’s the other way around where reader doesn’t feel like sex but maybe she thinks she has to bc she’s bad at saying no? (I personally hv this problem and I hate it lol)

You read the request, don‘t read this blurb if that type of theme makes you uncomfortable <3 and i‘ll tell you the reader is INSISTENT on making Peter happy, even if she doesn‘t really want to have sex (they don‘t have sex of course, but reader tries to convince herself that she wants to even tho she doesn‘t. you have been warned) (the reader knows she doesn‘t have to but thinks it‘s better to go with it to make peter happy) okay but also re-reading your request right now... i‘m not sure if i wrote what you had in mind lol, also I made it first time cause... that's the common thing on here (my blog) lmao

It’s not the first time that you’re making out with Peter. It’s also not the first time that it’s getting a bit heated.

Now’s your time to stop before it gets too heated.

But it feels good. You’re not really thinking about what’s going to happen next. You’re not thinking anything is going to happen next, except for you to continue kissing.

But suddenly Peter’s hands are under your shirt, travelling up your sides. “You know, I’ve been thinking,” he says, pulling away from your lips to kiss your neck, “We could take this a step further.”

His voice is shaky when he says it, and in his eyes you see he’s unsure, he’s nervous. How could you say no to him when he looks so adorable?

You gulp and then you nod, trying not to look at him.

“Can you say it for me?” He requests, lightly kissing your chest over your shirt.

“S-say what?”

“That you want this as much as I do,” and once the words leave his mouth he looks up at you, a cute smile on his face.

“O-of course I do, yeah,” you force a smile to your lips to mirror Peter and before he can possibly detect that your smile is fake, he’s kissing your lips.

You grip his hair, pulling him towards you so he can’t pull away from the kiss and you’d have to open your eyes again. If he looked into them he’d easily be able to tell how you really feel.

It’s just sex, you tell yourself. It’s not a big deal. It’ll feel good, you’re sure. Peter is so eager and giddy, you’ll take a little discomfort to see him keep that happiness.

But as Peter sits up to take off his shirt, a feeling of dread settles low in your belly. It’s not that you don’t like seeing him shirtless, but it’s the awareness of what’s going to happen next that scares you.

“Uh I—,” you say louder than you intend, sitting up. You clear your throat and Peter looks at you, holding his bunched up shirt to his chest.

“Yeah?” He asks, eyes big and round and full of concern. That’s exactly what you didn’t want.

“Um, sorry, nothing. I was.. just wondering if you have condoms.”

You’re not looking at him, but maybe that gives away how you’re feeling even more.

“H-hey, what’s wrong? We don’t have to do this, you know?” He sits down right in front of you and he says it with so much love and care that your heart hurts.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper before tears sting in your eyes and your face scrunches up as you try to contain a sob.

Peter’s arms wrap around you immediately, his hands stroking up and down your back, “What are you sorry for? Everything’s okay.”

You calm down after a few moments, and with a lump still in your throat you explain. “Sorry, I’ll be ready in a second. You can get the condoms already.”

“Why would I get condoms?” Peter asks, eyebrows drawn together.

“To have sex... duh,” you smile but it doesn’t reach your eyes. You playfully poke Peter in the chest but he takes your hand in his and looks right into your eyes.

“Do you want to have sex?” He asks.

You look away, “Not... not right now, but um...”

“Then why would we have sex?” Peter asks again, eyes kind and understanding.

You shrug, wiping your tears, “Well. Well, you wanted to and—”

“And you didn’t. It takes two to tango—” you giggle when he says it so seriously and he smiles too, but keeps talking, “I mean it. Would you want to have sex with me if I didn’t want to?”

“Of course not,” you reply.

“And I don’t want to have sex with you if you’re not in the mood either. So please, I won’t be offended or mad or anything other than glad that you told me how you really feel. And I’m sorry I didn’t notice that you didn’t want to earlier.”

You press a kiss to his cheek and shrug, “I was trying to convince myself that I wanted to. How could you know how I was feeling when I was lying to myself? I promise I’ll tell you how I really feel from now on... And you really aren’t mad? I could see how happy you were at the thought of having s—“

“I could never be mad. Sex isn’t something you just.. put up with and endure. People have sex to enjoy themselves. And if both of us wouldn’t be enjoying it, I don’t want to do it.”

You smile, feeling something shift inside you. You’ll remember him saying this for a long time, and you hope you’ll never feel the need to lie to yourself about what you want in order to make someone else happy again; someone else who, turns out, wouldn‘t even want to do this if his feelings aren’t truly reciprocated.

Peter pecks your lips and wraps his arms around you once more, resting his cheek on your shoulder. You feel yourself letting out a deep breath of relief.

You hug for a few minutes, not letting each other go.

“How about we watch a film,” Peter suggests, slipping back into his shirt after you pull away.

“Or we could just... make out again?” You say, pursing your lips.

“Or we could make out again,” he grins, lying down next to you to kiss you some more.

#Peter Parker x reader #peter parker blurb #peter parker #900 words #Peter Parker fluff #?#peter parker x you #selfcarecap #blurb

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yesimwriting · 3 years ago

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Falling Angels

A/n this literally poureddd from me, might be bad bc recently i’ve hated everything i’ve written (my drafts are full lol)

Series Summary: Y/n is a rising star in the most famous circus in Ketterdam because of her ability to see the future. Unfortunately for her, Kaz Brekker knows more of her backstory than he should, and he’s willing to use that to his advantage. The one thing he’s not betting on? That he doesn’t know her entire story

Chapter summary: Y/n gets a visitor before getting tricked into the most dangerous show of her life.

Pairing: SOC x reader, Kaz Brekker x psychic! sunshine-y! reader

Warning: mentions of sexual harassment, slight cursing, near death experience

Enjoy it, because it doesn’t last. That’s what the older girls whisper, mock casualness attempting to disguise bitter undertones as I walk past them. They say this, sharp nails ready to be covered in blood as red as their lipstick, because the pile of gifts from my ‘admirers’ keep coming. Circus hands keep approaching the long vanity in the dressing room tent, tapping me on the shoulder politely to shove cards and bouquets of flowers in my lap. They don’t understand that the praise isn’t because the patrons of our performances find me more beautiful--they’re desperate for my favor. They’re desperate to know their future.

Looking at myself in the mirror, the pageantry of it all has not yet grown old to me. My hair is still in the process of being styled, my stage makeup is half done, and I am not yet coated in that golden shimmer Senia always dusts across my cheeks and shoulders. But I am more enhanced than I normally am, eyes made bright by thick coats of mascara, cupid's bow made prominent by ruby lipstick. The lip look is more daring than I’ve been before, but there can’t be much harm in change. Not when half the women here keep looking at me like I’m the saint of virginity.

It’s not my fault that the Ringmaster thought an angelic aesthetic would work best for the fortune teller who walks around before the show, reading palms so that people can have their pockets picked. It’s not my fault people want an angel to take the stage and call people down from the audience to get a detailed reading around the crowded circus tent. I don’t pick the costumes, and while I acknowledge that mine shows the least amount of skin, the Ringmaster found a way to dress me as suggestively as possible without ruining the illusion of innocence.

At least the flowing tulle wings that are stitched into the back of my costume are beautiful. It’s easier when I enjoy the good.

“Y/n!” The familiar call of Senia. I turn my head, beaming. “You’re a vision, and all of those jealous girls--you can tell them to take their wrinkling faces and--”

“Seria.” For someone so much like a mother, she often needs to be reminded that not everything needs an aggressive rebuttal. “Think about it from their perspectives--their entire existence is dependent on how sellable they are, how attractive they are to men who only want to use them. If that makes them mad at me because they feel like my youth and novelty is taking from them, then that’s okay.” She raises a fine eyebrow. “I can take a few mean words.”

Seria purses her lips. “Okay, but I’m just as old and tired and you don’t see me trying to poison you.”

I roll my eyes.

“Look, it's our very own saint.” I roll my eyes, Via’s shrill voice piercing through me like an annoying papercut. “And in such a scandalous lip color--has the Ringmaster finally taken you to the ivory tent?”

Ivory tent. It’s been mentioned to me before and always in jest. “Where he takes me is none of your business, if not being the favorite hurts you so badly ju--”

She laughs, the sound is pure vile. “Being the favorite is the worst thing you could be in a place like this. You’re shiny and new and soon you’ll be as used as the rest of us--Seria’s use is waning, what happened to her today is proof of that. Soon you’ll have no one to protect you.”

When she looks at me I see more pain than hatred. “I think we’d get along better if I had it in me to hate you.”

She raises an eyebrow before shaking a cigarette from a small box into her palm. “You’ll get there, princess.”

The nickname leaves me burning. There’s nothing more consuming than fire. “You better pray to the real Saints I don’t.”

via laughs, lifting the cigarette to her lips and lighting it with her abilities. She walks away, turning my threat into that of a child’s.

“She’s right on two accounts.” Seria hums, “The Ringmaster will kill you if you wear that lipstick and Ketterdam turns people like you into people like me. We could save up, pay off your indenture--get you out.”

Seria doesn’t need to make sacrifices like that. Not for me. Besides, there’s no leaving Ketterdam for me. Not anymore. “Being like you wouldn’t be a bad thing.” I scratch my arm, see through material wrinkling as a result. “And I can’t--I can’t just leave. I’m a psychic, no Grisha can see the future. I need the facelessness of Ketterdam.” Her lips thin in protest. “And don’t think I didn’t hear what she said about you--what happened to your foot, and what’s in the ivory tent? People keep saying it, whispering it like there’s--”

“That tent is nothing that will ever concern you. I’ve given you my guidance, and the one thing I ask is that you never ask or go to the ivory tent.”

I swallow once, the intensity in her eyes leaving me raw. “What if he tells me to?”

“He won’t.” Seria breathes. “He doesn’t like that for you.”

This isn’t an argument I can have now, not with two minutes until the show starts. “And your foot?”

She shrugs, holding up a bandaged ankle. “You get older, your ligaments like the tightrope walk less and less. I’ll be fine.”

“You’re not tightrope walking like that--”

“Yes, I am. The Ringmaster doesn’t know and he can’t--if I start giving him performance trouble--you don’t know what happens to the girls who can’t pay off their indenture by performing.”

I swallow once. “You’ll be careful?”

“Always,” she grins, “Besides--one day you’ll know enough about tightrope walking to help me on days like this.”

The last time I trained on the mini-tightrope had proven me to be a disappointment. Still, I smile at her softly. I open my mouth to respond, but a quick tap to my shoulder silences me.

“Miss,” a circus hand I recognize begins.

I smile politely. “Please leave any gifts on my vanity--”

“It’s not a gift,” he mumbles, voice taut, “You have visitors.”

Something solid pushes itself into my chest, wedging itself between my lungs. Have they found me? “I-I don’t take visitors. Not before shows, if someone wants a private reading they’re to go to my tent at the front--”

“We’re not here for readings or any of the other lies you sell.”

...Surprising. I let my gaze move from the face of the circus hand and towards the individuals behind him. A man, tall and dressed in business attire--hat and all. His face is all sharp angles and his eyes are emotionless. His leather-gloved hands grip the head of an intricate cane. Next to him is another tall man, dressed a little more casually, with dark curls. Lastly, there’s a girl, with oil-black hair pulled into a sleek ponytail.

“Then what are you here for?”

Seria, never one to leave me unattended around strange men, takes a step in front of me. “I know who you are, Dirtyhands, and I know there’s no business you could find with her.”

What? Dirtyhands? Can people in Ketterdam ever just be normal?

“I wouldn’t speak so certainly.” I don’t like the way his eyes narrow at Seria or the way his grip on the cane tightens.

Thoughtlessly, I stick a hand between them, forcing Seria back slightly. “I apologize, she’s protective--always assuming the worst in people. Though considering she called you ‘Dirtyhands’, maybe that’s what you want.”

Ugh. All I do is ramble when I most definitely shouldn’t. “Want what?”

Eyebrows drawing together, I force myself to hold his gaze. “For people to assume the worst.”

The response seems to confuse him. That’s okay--I’ll take anything over aggressive. “The only people I want to assume the worst are those I want to be right.”

Okay. Dramatic was a fair assumption.

“Seria.” Oh no. I know that voice. I know that voice too well. “They tell me you're injured.”

Seria stiffens, as does every performer when he addresses them. “Not too injured to perform, sir.”

The Ringmaster sneers. “I can’t risk you falling and embarrassing me. Perhaps tonight you’ll make your money by spending the entire show in the ivory tent.”

The way she hardens wrenches my gut. I press my hands to avoid reaching out for her. “I can do the tightrope.” The Ringmaster’s gaze shifts towards me. “I can do it--and I can do it well and I’ll give the profit to Seria.”

He tilts his chin, regarding me in a way a woman should never be regarded. He’s a predator and I’m a lamb that’s lost its way. Still, I hold his gaze. I don’t flinch, even when he moves to brush his knuckles along my cheek. His touch is acid. Pure, burning acid. “The wings I placed on your back are decorative.”

“I don’t need them.” Total bullshit.

“Hm,” he breathes, letting the smell of alcohol fill the space between us, “I’ll allow it.” The Ringmaster drops his hand to his side. “Wipe that lipstick off your face before someone mistakes you for one of these common whores.”

How I don’t throw up at the sight of him is a miracle in itself. By some small mercy, he turns and walks away before I have to respond.

“You’re an idiot--you know you’re not ready for the tightrope.”

“There’s a net,” I try to keep my voice light, dismissive. She remains tense. “Seria, I had to.”

“No, you could have--”

“It’s not fair that you’re always a shield for me. When the opportunity to shield you for once comes, I’ll take it.” Turning before she can protest, I try to walk forward. The stranger places his cane where I intend to walk, intentionally warning me that he decides when our conversation is over. Unfortunately, I used up all my patience with the Ringmaster. “130 kruge.” He raises an eyebrow. “That’s the estimated amount I’ll make tonight, unless I’m late and excluded from the show. Either make up the deficit you’ll be costing me or let me go.”

His eyebrows draw together, shifting his expression from neutrally calloused to something much darker. “Kaz.” This comes from the girl. She takes a step forward. “Look one step ahead.”

“Excuse me?”

“Everyone thinks you’re not supposed to look down, but looking up is just as impractical.” She pauses, expression strangely mesmerized, “Look one step ahead--not at your feet.”

My genuine smile shocks me. “Thank you.”

“I should be thanking you, Sankta y/n.” Her head bows, hands held together as if in prayer.

Oh. She’s one of the religious that believes me an actual Saint. “I appreciate the sentiment, but if I was a Saint I’d be able to help people.” No matter what I do, no matter how much blood I offer, I can never help people. “And as you’ve seen--I can’t.”

The crowd’s roaring is a different world to me. On the platform, feet away from the other wooden structure acting as solid ground, everything is different. I am now in a world where the only thing to believe in is a taut rope. The net is beneath me. I’ve seen it--I’ve checked it.

“And for our grand finale!” The Ringmaster calls, voice billowing over an excited crowd. “Our very own angel defies death!”

An odd way to phrase the tightrope walk. It’s never called ‘defying death’. I had been surprised when I was told that tonight the tightrope walk would be the grand finale--I assumed it was because it featured me. I’m always the finale now. I try to move my foot off the platform but it’s planted firmly. No. I need to see Seria--I need to see who I’m doing this for. I force my gaze to the ground, panic rising in my chest.

Instead of Seria, I see Via--her smirk apparent even from here. Spite’s a decent motivator. My foot descends off the platform, touching the tightrope cautiously. And then I move my other foot. All of me is now on this damn rope. I hadn’t been unforgivably horrible during practice, but I hadn’t been graceful either.

Don’t look down, don’t look up--only look one step ahead. One step ahead--one step at a time. Balance. I take another step. The room is so silent there’s no doubt in my mind the sound of my bones cracking would be heard from the back row. But there’s the net. There’s always the net. I take a second step. And then a third--eyes focused on only one step ahead.

And then the phantom of flame comes to claim me. Fire. The world around me is burning. Damning the consequences, I let my gaze fall to the world beneath me. The net--the Ringmaster had an Inferni light the net on fire. Via--that explains the look.

I can’t fall--the guilt would kill Seria.

Panic twists my stomach as I continue forward. One step ahead. One step ahead--the flames lick upwards, promising pain and grief all over again. One step ahead. One step--that’s all there is to it. The warmth of the fire calls to me. Burning. Burning--and one more step. This isn’t forever. This isn’t permanent--either way this will soon be over.

There’s no miracle for me. No good grace, no wings that would let me save myself. There is only balance.

One step ahead. And then another step. And then I see the other wooden platform. Thank the Saints. I grip the ladder of the platform as quickly as possible. The cheers mean nothing to me as I scurry down the ladder.

I feel a sharp breeze, a Grisha putting out the flames. Anger pools in my chest as I move towards the exit of the tent.

“Y/n.” No. Not him again. That man--Kaz, Dirtyhands, whoever he is--needs to go away. “Y/n.” I turn sharply, anger pulsing through me. My expression must be feral, because he stalls. “They didn’t tell you that they were going to burn the net.”

The fact that he can tell--that he can see my panic and how close I came to death twists my anger into something more fragile. “No.” My posture straightens. “I need to go now, I do--I do readings after shows.”

“Y/n.” He repeats, firmer.

My nails dig into my palms. “I’m going--”

“I know what you are.”

Tensing, my breathing stalls. “What?”

#kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #kazz brekker imagine #kaz brekker x you #six of crows #six of crows x reader #six of crows x you #soc imagine #six of crows imagine #my works #series #shadow and bone #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone imagine #grishaverse #grishaverse x reader #sab netflix #grishaverse imagine

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junko-and-riri-domain · 3 years ago

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₊·˚♤˚· inconvenient | lhs ˚₊·˚♤˚·

↬ part of: 500 followers event <33 ↬ pairing: lee heeseung x reader ↬ genre: fluff | slight angst (happy ending dw) | idol!au ↬ warnings: slight angst in that reader feels as if hee doesn’t have enough time for them bc of hee’s busy schedule and heeseung calls reader’s efforts inconvenient w/o realizing the weight of his words :( ↬ w/c: 1.4k ↬ requested by: anon, no specific name

As your eyes settled on the screen of your phone, reading Heeseung’s text message, you couldn’t help but scoff at it. You looked out the window of the cafe you were supposed to meet your boyfriend for your lunch date but he sent a text, canceling for what felt like the hundredth time this month. You could feel him slipping away from you with the other half of the bed empty almost every night, your dates constantly canceled, and your texts going unread. You decided not to respond to Heeseung, after all, what was the point? As you finished the remainder of your drink, you decided that you were going to enjoy the day to yourself regardless of whether or not Heeseung was going to be with you.

And that’s exactly what you did.

You explored the city and took your own pictures, found a new favorite trail to walk on, and bought yourself a new bag. Despite all the texts and calls from Heeseung, you ignored them all to give him a little taste of his own medicine. When you got home, you were more surprised than anything to see Heeseung waiting for you.

“Where the hell have you been?” he asked. You looked at him, noticing how his eyes narrowed in on you and his arms crossed over his chest which caused his biceps to bulge out.

“Oh, so you care about me?”

“Of course I care, why wouldn’t I?”

“Well you canceled for the hundredth time today, I decided to have fun by myself.” His eyes cast to the floor, unable to look at you. You heard him let out a sigh as he muttered,

“I’m sorry.” You knew that when Heeseung became an idol, he’d have a busy schedule. You supported his dreams, had been there from the start but what good was your efforts when right now it felt as if you weren’t even in a relationship? Sure, Heeseung was sorry but you had heard the words thousands of times that you felt nothing anymore.

“How many times am I supposed to forgive you?” you asked, voice barely above a whisper.

“Babe, I’ve just been busy. You know how important promotion season is, I just don’t have the time for things like I used to.”

“I know that but you can’t even go on one damn date the entire month?”

“We spend all night practicing for performances that I’m better off spending the night at Jay or Jake’s instead of coming home. With the events we have along with the dates you wanna go on and your constant texts, it’s just inconvenient.”

“Inconvenient?” It was with Heeseung’s words that you realized, you had had enough. If your constant attempts to keep the relationship, well, a relationship turned out to be inconvenient to Heeseung then there was no point to it. If all the time you spent checking up on him turned out to be inconvenient then you had no reason to put in any effort anymore. You knew that work and his dreams were important but so were you.

“I didn’t mean it like that, there are things that I need to do and responsibilities I need to focus on-”

“Am I not important to you anymore?” As your ears were met with silence you felt your breathing caught up in your throat. Waiting for Heeseung to answer only to be met with no reply, through his hesitance you found your answer.

“Baby, I-”

“Forget I asked.” You walked past him, heading into your room and in the process shoving his shoulder. As the door slammed and you flopped onto the bed you waited. Waited for Heeseung to knock on the door, waited for him to say something, anything, but waiting only led to self-given heartbreak. You heard the opening of a door ringing throughout your ears but it wasn’t the door you had hoped. After hearing the key, you came to a realization. Heeseung decided to walk out.

Following the next few days, you and Heeseung entered a stage of your relationship you weren’t quite sure what to label as. It wasn’t that you broke up per se, but you weren’t exactly together either. Sure, you exchanged a few messages here and there but you could feel Heeseung slipping away or maybe it was you slipping away, you weren’t quite sure. Throughout the week, you found yourself unable to sleep. But one Friday night, that inability to sleep turned into a 3 am movie marathon spent on the living room couch curled up under your blankets and one of Heeseung’s shirts. You heard the front door open, glanced over to see the light turn on and Heeseung taking off his shoes.

“You’re up?” he asked, slight worry filling his tone.

“Couldn’t sleep,” was all you could bring yourself to say.

“Should I make us some ramen?” he offered.

“Yeah, if you want.” You stayed in the living room while Heeseung made his way to the kitchen. You didn’t know what to say, how were you even supposed to start? With your eyes settled on the tv, you entered a sort of daze where your head felt heavy and clouded with thoughts but your throat was unable to get any words out. It wasn’t until Heeseung was in front of you, blocking the tv that you drifted back to reality. You let out a small “thank you,” as the warmth of the bowl of ramen met your palms, couldn’t hold back your small smile as you saw that Heeseung had given you one and a half soft boiled eggs. When the both of you finished eating, you found yourself almost scared to talk to Heeseung about what went on that night. Your relationship was either going to continue, or it was going to end. As Heeseung reached towards the coffee table, about to take the bowls to the kitchen, your hand reached out to hold his arm, stopping him.

“Stay,” you whispered. Heeseung only nodded, settling himself so that he was laying on the couch with you. Face to face with him, you moved so that your head was laying on his chest. His heartbeat was calming, embrace comfortable, and scent making you feel complete. The next step in your relationship, or its end, whichever it was, you’d find out tomorrow. Closing your eyes, all you could do was wait.

When you woke up, your ears were met with a slight groan and the hold around you tightened. As you lifted your head up, a hard sort of knock was heard paired with an,

“Oww, what the hell?” from Heeseung. You brought up a hand to massage his chin while you felt him kiss the top of your head,

“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting you to be here when I woke up.”

“I, uhh, have something planned for us today. If you’re up for it?” Heeseung seemed kind of nervous as he spoke, avoiding your eyes and rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

“You do?”

“A date, as an apology, because I’m sorry.”

“What about work?”

“I told our manager that I was taking today off.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re important to me and I hate that it’s taken so damn long for me to show it to you.”

While you got ready for whatever it was Heeseung had planned, he was making breakfast. After breakfast, he brought you to a festival you didn’t even know was going on. While you walked past the stalls set up, occasionally stopping to look at something that caught your eye, Heeseung’s hand stayed intertwine with yours. You had missed it, being with Heeseung, and feeling loved by him. When lunchtime came around, you ended at the park. There were both couples and families with a towel, eating food they had packed, but all of a sudden, Heeseung was leading you to a towel with a picnic basket.

“This is our spot,” he said. Your eyes went wide,

“You set this up?”

“Mhm. I know how much you love picnics and I figured… let’s go on one.” You sat down, unable to hold back your smile as Heeseung sat next to you. You really did love picnics, but more so with Heeseung. After eating, you laid down and looked up at sky feeling as if the world was so vast and wide. You found yourself looking at Heeseung,

“Y’know, keeping my head on the ground is really inconvenient right now.” Heeseung’s eyes filled with alarm,

“I’m sorry, I never should’ve said that.”

“It’s ok,” you said. And you meant it. “It’d be less inconvenient if I could use your arm as a pillow though.” As Heeseung’s arm extended, you rested your head on it while you wrapped an arm around his chest. Waiting often led to self-given heartbreak, but sometimes, it was worth it.

❦ written by riri ( @enhykkul ) | main blog masterlist | 500 followers masterlist

tagging: @bloom-bloom-pow | @markleepooh | @sunshineshouchan (permanent taglist open if anyone wants to be on it !!)

#enhypen imagines #enhypen fluff #enhypen angst #lee heeseung x reader #lee heeseung imagines #lee heeseung angst #lee heeseung fluff #heeseung x reader #heeseung imagines #heeseung fluff #heeseung angst #enhypen lee heeseung imagines #enhypen lee heeseung x reader #enhypen lee heeseung #lee heeseung #heeseung

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