#it’s in moments like this one realizes he really was the saddest boy on earth

[drinkthemlock]

translation of one of álvares’ 1850 letters to luís->

Under the cut because it is long.

Rio, March 1st 1850

My Luís:

I received a letter of yours written down in Rio Grande [do Sul] just as you’d arrived. You told me about a letter in the mail through another one you’d written to my cousin. I looked there and did not find it.

You will not go to São Paulo with me, then. My two years spent there were a trial[1]: my consolation was hoping (ah! what fickle hope it was, gone so easily!) to live there with you…

Luís, there is a certain something in my heart that tells me that everything might be over between us. Could it be a lie, one of those drops of bitter bile that drench the brain like an insanity? — or an anticipation — grim yet truthful, like the petrel’s first call at the beginning of the storm?

Perhaps it’s all over. My friendship, Luís, may have to yet again live off my past of two years of longing. Longing! It expresses the pain of separation, the desire to see each other again, perhaps the remains of a light of hope for a better dawn… does it not, Luís?

I have not spent this vacation in idleness, on the contrary, it has been spent in reading. In this small period of three months I have written a two-hundred or so page novel; two poems, one in five and another in two cantos; an analysis of Musset’s Jacques Rolla[2]; some quite voluminous literary studies about the simultaneous march of civilization and poetry in Portugal[3]; and a poetic fragment in very antiquated language, harder to understand than Sextilhas do Frei Antão[4], though in a different taste, more in the manner of Chatterton’s Th. Rowley.

Against this agitation of spirit, sometimes I am overcome by an invincible paralysis, those hours that mariners fear, in which stillness befalls the dead sea, and the sails fall along the masts. I have always and always spoken to you with my hand on my heart: if someday I died young, in my fever of ambitious hopes, if — poor poet’s imagination! — the ice of death dripped down my brain, there is still, in some of my letters to you, an entire story of two years, a legend, painful, yes, but true, very true, in its iron torment, like an autopsy of sufferings.

Luís, it is my fate to love so much and have no one love me. — There is the irony in my somber disheartening, in my not believing against others’ believing. They call me cold, they believe that egoism and pride have frozen my… nectar, called soul, from that damned amphora called life!

Yesterday I was at a soirée. Nothing there, as usual, amused me. When the boredom comes from the inside, there is no smiling at balls that can sweeten it. When the sorrow is deep and lonesome, when one’s heart has gone dry, there is no fiery bath from a look that can revive it!

Still at times – and today, in my solitude, that is my venture – when the mind drenches me in the drunkenness of an obsession, when my soul is visited by the dreams of a man that does not sleep, that people call poetry, still I feel my chest reopening to the love of women. It seems that if that beauty of black hair and eyes, ample bosom, on top of which [her hair] floats, untied, with her long and soft fingers, the silk [ribbons] of that robe… if I rested this fever of the head that aches in me there, this burning of a mind that drowns me, I could still have enough life in me to make her swoon in the ecstasy of a spasm, to die there in the frenzy of a dream of kisses… And when, before a blonde’s pale forms, in the limpidity of some eyes, transparent and blue as the sea, I see what there is of purity, what there is of golden sands under those waves’ diaphanous polish, then, as Goethe’s Faust in Margarete’s bed, there are some magnetic waves that’ll revive the dead palpitating of my fibers within me, oh! So I wait still…

But, in general, what still awakens in me, at times, the most tepid pulsating of the blood is the voluptuousness that I catch a glimpse of in women full of charms, those that seem to have been made by God to be like statues at whose feet one may pray, may ask them, like the lascivious Venus, for an hour – one only – of pleasure…

These are dreams— dreams… Luís! It is madness to so overly open the heart’s angel’s wings to these ravishing breezes that, in the afternoon, come whispering of rapture, so impregnated with aromas of kisses! It is madness! And yet, when a man lives only off of them, when all the doors have been closed to the reject, why not go knocking, alone at night, at the palace of the fairy of imaginations?

There is only one thing that could provide me the vigor that dies within me. “Dies within me…” said I; do not think that I am lying. Everyone here finds the morose living and the weight of the distraction that haunt me this year strange. My solitary living, closed off in my room, more often than not reading without reading, writing without seeing what I’m writing, brooding without knowing what about– perhaps some furtive tear has rolled down the face of my Mother… poor Mother! – is it not so, my Luís? Poor (don’t you think) are those that watch their son droop and wither, pale like the sound of that somber music which only he can hear!

I say: there is only one thing that can provide me the vigor that falters within me: a woman whom I loved.

Behold, then, everything— love, poetry. I only didn’t tell you of glory. Nor will I. You would laugh at it and at me, as I laugh as well. Glory! In our land! Oh white, fragrant swans of heaven’s vapors, why descend upon the impure swamp, staining the whitenesses, forfeiting the aromas? To the birds of the clouds,— the sky; to the poets— dreams. Glories of the land? Don’t you remember Dante, Chatterton, Byron? Don’t you remember Werner, poet, and a grand one too, dead of skepticism and desolation under his orgy’s garland? Glories of the land!… the applause of the rabble! Rotten laurels, most often drenched in blood, speckled with the scum of insult and the slime of envy…

Goodbye, my Luís. The beauty of spiritualism is the love between souls, this tune that makes them palpitate in unison even in separation, even when the senses that bind us to matter no longer touch the object which we love. Goodbye. Just as I love you, love me. Do not forget it among your Rio Grande meadows, to the sound of the laughter from rosy lips that unveil pearls of your beautiful countrywomen’s.

Your friend:

–Azevedo

[PS:] I tried rereading my letter to amend any error that might’ve slipped at the march of the quill, but I found it so long I lacked the will to do so. Moreover my handwriting came out so poorly that I can barely understand it. If you cannot understand it as well, chuck this piece of paper into the fire. You will lose little or nothing in doing so. It will be a lost quarter of an hour less.

On the first of April I’ll leave for São Paulo.

[1] Álvares wrote this letter during his summer vacation after his second year at the Faculdade de Direito do Largo de São Francisco, in São Paulo. He met Luís while they both were students at the Colégio Pedro II in Rio de Janeiro, the city in which Álvares was raised since he was a baby (despite having been born in São Paulo). They parted ways when Álvares went to São Paulo in 1848 to study law.

[2] Álvares was a big Musset fan, and you can read (in Portuguese) the analysis he refers to here (1873 edition, pg. 123). Also, an interesting article about suicide in this critical essay here.

[3] Available at the same link as above (1873 edit., pg. 171)

[4] Second volume of poetry by Gonçalves Dias, one of the most famous first-generation Brazilian Romantics, which (like all of Álvares’ works) are in the public domain and can be read here.

[kpophubb]

Hello..I’d like to request prompt 6,27,41 with jungwon. With any other prompts you’d like to add. love triangle trope, very angsty..I hope that’s ok <3

</3: 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘊𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝗕𝗲 𝗠𝗶𝗻𝗲 // уαиg วυηցωση

🄶🄴🄽🅁🄴: angst, sad ending, love triangle, unrequited love, forbidden love, really dark and sensitive romance <|3 ☹︎

“𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶? 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦, 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘸, 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮, 𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻'𝘁 𝗬𝗢𝗨?"

———————————༒x x༒————————————

Pain could be bittersweet, pain could be excruciating, but to think that pain could be gnawing at your heart and suck the life out of you everyday when it resides within someone who equally makes you the happiest and saddest person on earth? It was a sharp blade, bleeding his agonising heart when his world was all about you, but yours was all about Jake.

For the longest time jungwon could remember, to you, he was like your younger brother and you were his beloved “noona.” The sister like figure he’d lean on for comfort whenever things were hard, the person he ran to whenever he needed a shoulder to rely on, and the person who always took care of him and showered him with affection was no one else but you. Since you were the person he least expected to fall in love with, the thought of his feelings existing never once crossed his mind, until he realised one day how his subconscious heart had begun wanting you a little more than it possibly should.

Jungwon had always known you harboured feelings for jake and so did the rest of the boys. And like every other one of them, he always rooted for you to be happy with the man you love. Your happiness was always his happiness too and he could trust no one better than his precious hyung to take care of it. But the moment jake started liking you back, that is when tables had turned and jungwon’s whole world turned upside down. The moment he felt a foreign feeling tug at his heart, when he saw you laughing with someone you loved, someone else who wasn’t him, he knew he had crossed a line he shouldn’t have. He was on a one way path to breaking his own heart, for that was the instance he realized that for the first time in his life, he was being jealous.

“Jake!!” You squealed in delight as you tried to reach for the phone in his hand that he was holding above his head. “Please that childhood picture of me is so embarrassing!!” You protested, trying to snatch the device from him by practically crawling on him at this point.

“Naurr, I think this is so cute y/n” Jake giggles, holding it higher and gawking at the picture with foaming admiration in his eyes.

You throw your hands in the air while having a flustered smile showing on your face, and soon enough your childish fight comes to and end when jake wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you closer to him.

“Now try taking it back?” He smiles, blushing a little at his bold remark and looking directly inside your dilated pupils.

“You’re…impossible!” was all you say before chuckling and both of you immediately dissolve into a blushing mess. Laughing at eachother’s jokes and exchanging looks of love, you lay there trapped in between his secure arms as you spend the rest of eachother’s time making sweet and innocent memories like these on the living room couch.

Meanwhile, what you didn’t notice was how another person was right there, standing by the entrance and witnessing your story of mutual liking. There he was, jungwon, who came to collect his phone from the table, but stopped when he felt his heart sink to the bottom at the sight of you two.

At first, he couldn’t grasp why he was feeling his throat going dry and his insides being stabbed with sharp thorns. For all he could care about, you were someone he never viewed romantically, but right now, he knew he wanted to be there in jake’s place. The sight of someone else making you laugh, someone making you blush and smile, someone making your heart flutter in a way he never could, was enough to give him the painful feeling of a thousand ugly deaths.

Thinking back on all the moments you and jungwon spent together, it was tough pinpointing the beginning of these unstoppable feelings. Maybe it was the way when you nursed him when he had a fever, feeding him with love and looking after him again and again to make sure he’s okay, that he realized he needed you. And he wanted you to be there to take care of him in more cases than one. Maybe it was the way when you hugged him and held his hand gently, that he realized the indication of his love from the loud and abnormal beating of his heart. Or the way he would call you to hear your voice to calm himself down whenever he missed you, or always look at you and find himself smiling whenever you didn’t notice. The way he would always try to be there for you in the shadows, notice and remember all the little things about you and always find an excuse to catch a sight of you was enough to make him dread of the reality that he was in fact so hopelessly in love with you.

There were so many ocassions where he tried to deny his feelings for you. But how could he deny his own heart? Even though it hurt, how do you get over someone who was never yours? Who do you blame when you’ve broken your own heart?

on some days where he would be consumed by dread and selfishness, he would want to be noticed by you. Thinking maybe that If you could see him as a man and realize through his actions how much he cared for you, you’d come running to him and tell him you love him instead. But reality doesn’t work in your favour when you love someone too much, that cruel fact, now he knew.

Jungwon would wear his hair up and wear jackets that you liked so much, just for you to think of him as “handsome” and not “cute.” With each passing day of watching you love someone that was also dear to him, he hated how he was growing so empty and lonely and hated himself for pinning for someone who mutually liked and was liked back by his friend. Had he realized his feelings for you before, would that have changed anything between you two today? You were his first love. The first person who made him believe in love, who made all the cliches come to life for him. There was no way he could know or differentiate these feelings before and by the time he did, you were long gone boarding the train to someone else’s destination. He just wished that person wouldn’t be so close to him that he had to endure seeing you both together everyday.

————-

On one chilly night, as jungwon was walking you back home on the empty streets, you realize how you were drifting apart. How jungwon was quieter than he used to be, and his smiles would fade faster without his dimples that you adored so much showing.

“Jungwonie?”

“Hm noona?” He nods lightly, averting his direction to face you as you speak.

“Is something the matter with you? I don’t really know..but you seem really down.”

[Ofcourse everything is wrong with me. When you look at me with words. But I look at you with feelings. And you will never know how much it sucks to realize, you will never see me the way I see you.]

“Ah me? No don’t worry. I’ve just been stressed due to back to back schedules. I’m just tired lately, that’s all.” Jungwon reassures, silencing the voice in his head and patting your head mildly and faking a smile.

“If that’s what you say so..”

“Anyway!!! Did you know Jake didn’t ask me out yet? Ugh I can’t wait!!!” You change the topic abruptly, not noticing how the name caused the person beside you to flinch.

After a heavy moment of painful silence, jungwon answers.

“I’m sure he’s taking his time noona. We all know he likes you too..so maybe wait a little longer before your dream comes to life?” He comments with a sad yet bitter tone that leaves you confused.

Feeling the way he tensed up after his own reply, a perplexed you try to shake off the sudden awkwardness in the situation by linking your arms with his, an old habit that you’re used to.

But little do you know how a mere touch instigates so many feelings inside him. How he craves for that touch to be prolonged, how he craves to touch you in turn so you’re his and his alone and how badly he craves to seek your warmth when he’s the one holding you and he’s the one you belong to.

However, unfazed by his feelings, he diverts his attention back to the painful reality when he lets go of your arm and points in the direction of your house that was now in sight.

“We’re here. Let me walk you upstairs.”

_______

You reach your room in a few minutes, the whole walk between you two being dead silent. Although you could sense something was seriously wrong, you had no idea why the boy beside you was acting so weird today. You knew something was on his mind, but what bothered you more was how unlike usual, he wasn’t opening up to you this time.

When you enter your room, you lay down on the bed from the tiredness of the long day as you watch jungwon make his way to the kitchen to help himself to a glass of water. But when he comes back to greet you goodbye, he notices how you were already passed out asleep on your bed.

He pauses to take in your sleeping figure for a minute. Staring at the way your eyelids close shut and your hair falls loosely on your forehead and your lips curve to a half smile. The way you look so innocent and beautiful, and the way he could have sworn you look like a gorgeous resting goddess. He takes slow steps towards you before he stops directly beside you, and pulls the blanket over you to make sure you’re warm and comfortable.

Something inside him clicks when he admires you like that. A chain of restraint being lifted from his chest, a compelling feeling to caress your skin and feel his love linger on you wherever he touches. He’s touched you before, casually, but never once has he touched you with his feelings and right now, when the world was silent and you had no way to find out, just for once, he wanted the feeling of being able to love you like he longed for.

Leaning his face forward, he gently uses his thumb to caress your cheek, the sensation of you under his touch causing his dead heart to rise back to life. He traces your skin in soft circles, and in no time, gets struck by the yearning to taste your smile. When he rubs his finger over your plush lips, he gets drawn like a magnet towards you, only to press a gentle peck with his on yours, a kiss that was so subtle, radiating all that he felt- love, broken, sadness, envy and unwavering desperation just for you.

Next, Jungwon takes your hand in between his two, positioning himself on your bed so he could sit beside you, and suddenly overcome from the overwhelming feelings that was dying to escape his heart, he begins speaking all that he craved to say for so long, but was so afraid to voice out.

“Noona… I thought being beside you as someone close was enough. But when did my heart begin growing so selfish that I wanted to be the only person close to you?”

“I’m tired of keeping this secret, even if you don’t love me back. I’m just so tired of hating myself everyday for wanting you when I know I shouldn’t.”

“Everyday..I get stormed by the reality checks that I’ve fallen in love with you. Your smile, your touch, your laugh, your presence. I don’t know when I got attached to them more than anything, but all I know is that I want to be the reason behind your smile. I want you to look at me even if you’re looking at someone else. I want you to love me, even though I know nothing about me makes you want to love me. Tell me…what about me makes me so unlovable noona?”

“If you’d just..tell me once that you needed me the way I needed you. You wanted me the way I want you and you wish to be with me the same way I crave to..I swear I’d do anything to keep you happy. But the truth is..even if I split my heart into two for you, yours would still beat for him.”

He continues after a sigh, feeling his voice break and inhaling the air he desperately needs in his lungs right now.

“I know you will never be mine. I know your eyes will never light up when you see me the same way as it does when you see Jake hyung. I wonder…if I told you all this..would you hate me if you knew how I disappointed you by falling for you when you didn’t want that?”

“I tried to stop loving you I swear. But if you not loving me back is not enough to stop me from loving you, WHAT is?”

His breath hitches and he squeezes your hands tighter, knowing that he needs to leave. If he stays in this room for a second longer, he would break down infront of you and that’s the last thing he wants. Letting go of your hand, he rises up before looking at you one last time to savour your treasured existence and tell you his one final good bye.

“Noona. From day 1, you were always my first choice. But in the end, I never made it to your list. But yet, I couldn’t still regret loving someone like you.”

Jungwon turns around and aims for the door when he feels a hand tug at his sleeve.

It was you. And you had heard everything.

His eyes light up from surprise the moment he turns to see what grabbed him and his gaze meets your serious and saddened one. Initially, he was horrified that you were gonna push him away for good and hate him, but he just freezes there, reminding himself that he was gonna walk away from your life tonight anyway.

“Atleast. Give me a chance to reply to all that jungwon.Don’t leave me like that.”

You say, with your low voice and hold his sleeve tighter, desperately trying to search for an answer in his dark and broken eyes.

“Don’t tell me anything please. You saying you don’t love me back isn’t going to make me delete my feelings. So please..”

“Please noona. Don’t break my already broken heart again.” His voice breaks and eyes swell up with tears.

You could’ve never imagined seeing someone hurt, could hurt you so much. The moment he lets go of your hand and leaves for real, you get up as hastily as you can to hold him by his hand instead. Right then, you knew you’d never be able to recover if you watched him walk out of your life like this.

“Jungwon..wait.”

“What if…

“What if the things I say don’t break your heart?”

———————————————тнє єи∂

🄰/🄽: 𝖨'𝗅𝗅 𝗅𝖾𝗍 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋𝗌 𝖽𝖾𝖼𝗂𝖽𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗈𝗇𝖾! 𝖺𝗌 𝗋𝖾𝗊𝗎𝖾𝗌𝗍𝖾𝖽, 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗌 𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒 𝗌𝗁𝖺𝖽𝗒 𝖺𝗇𝗀𝗌𝗍! 𝖯𝗅𝖾𝖺𝗌𝖾 𝗋𝖾𝖻𝗅𝗈𝗀 𝗂𝖿 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝗆𝗒 𝗐𝗋𝗂𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌 <𝟥

𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 here !

Masterlist

[gustingirl]

gvf headcanon | having a crush on another member's best friend

request: Hey, lovey! 💕 Extrapolating on your last head cannon of being best friends with the boys - Could you do a headcanon about the boys having a crush on another band members best friend? Like the first time you’re introduced, how they act around said person, do they make a move?, etc.

josh.

oh josh would have such a hard time if he finds himself liking one of the guys’ best friends, i can see him struggling so much. i mean it would probably take him some time to actually realize he’s into you, but he would definitely feel it from day one. you would probably meet him through sam, i can see it. and like that would be josh’s problem; if you were jake’s friend or danny’s things would be much easier, all he needed was a conversation and he would soon get a green light. but i feel sam would be kind of possessive over his own friends and the idea of one of his brothers dating you would make him get real mad, and josh would probably know so well.

it was the one day he found you crying alone that made him realize he truly was deep into you. josh had been noticing for days that his heart was beating way faster when you were around and that his hands would get sweaty when yours touched his body. it was his oblivious side blinding him, making him unaware that all these signs indicated you were more than his brother’s best friend to him. he still remembered the day you showed up to rehearsal, your beauty making everybody’s attention go straight to you. josh felt like a train had hit him; this has never happened to him before. he had never fallen for someone so quickly, as he always believed he truly needed to meet someone to truly have feelings for them. you were not the case, you were definitely something else. josh had spent months watching you from afar, staying really quiet around to get to hear you talk so freely and happily. and his jealousy would always act up whenever sam would cross some lines, like holding your waist tightly against his body, or stealing glances from your chest, when you were wearing something provocative. josh hated to think about it, but he was sure he could always treat you better than sam could ever do, despite not even knowing what sam felt for you. however, all his overanalysis went silent in his head the day he heard some soft sobs coming from the studio’s bathroom. he probably shouldn’t have entered the place, given that the person crying probably wanted some privacy. it was when he noticed that those sobs were familiar that made him enter quickly. you were sitting in a corner, holding your legs to your chest as you cried out uncontrollably. josh joined you, his presence making you look up. without nothing needed to be said, he showed you his sweetest smile and, before he could think about it, he removed some tears of your face, holding it with his hands and using his thumbs to clear them.

“pretty people shouldn’t cry” he commented, trying to use some of his charm to distract you from whatever was causing your anguish.

it was working, as you released a drowned giggle. the little soft sound made fireworks set loose inside his heart. josh bit his lip, fighting the urge to close the space between you too.

“it’s just a mental breakdown, joshy” that nickname you used so much with him could always drive him insane.

the moment was putting some pressure on his chest, and josh went crazy.

“y/n, i-” he was about to confess it all, suffocated by his own feelings. however, that insanity lasted seconds, but was enough for you to start concentrating.

“what is it?” now you were curious, as his expression was not one you could find on your best friend’s brother

josh remained silent, and he did for a long time. he could never express his feelings, the ones he was now realizing he had. those pretty eyes of you filled with tears, that shiny smile that held the saddest anguish, that expression painted on your face; to josh, you were a masterpiece. one that he wanted to steal like the finest thief on earth, but he was far from being a criminal. one day, however, he was sure he could steal your heart.

sam.

i don’t think he would suffer as much, i can see sam being chill with staring from afar. he definitely would make a movie, though. he has the calm but confident personality, and it didn’t matter that you were josh’s best friend, he knew (or better said, he believed) that he could pull you easily. i also have the idea he would always keep an eye on you, and would not change any aspect of his attitude around you. sam could pretend it wasn’t affecting him, but he would be terrified if he had to be alone with you, as he was sure it was going to be harder to be able to control himself.

there were not many instances where you would be alone with sam. you and josh were like brothers; even some joked you belonged to his family. you were inseparables, and it was all due to the fact you were each other’s biggest support. it was because of this that everybody knew how hard was to pull you away from josh’s side. you were the first one he went to with news, the first one he called for when he needed support and the first one he ran to after every single show. sam, on his side, was dying to be josh right then. he wasn’t so sure of why; he remembered the day he saw josh going to you after running off stage, wondering if you were his new partner. after josh explained your friendship, soon sam realized why he was so eager to meet you. with his own ways, he managed to form a friendship with you too, one that was not even close to be as tight as yours with his older brother. he wanted to not be jealous at all, as he understood why there was such a difference. however, he would bite his inner cheek every single time he caught josh hugging you. how badly did he want to be that guy for you; the one you go to with any problem, idea, piece of news or anything at all. he was so thankful, nevertheless, that josh was always with you. the mere idea of having to deal with you alone was killing him. he was done now, anyways, as he found himself waiting inside the van with you only. what was even worse was the fact you were sitting right by his side, with your bare arm brushing his.

“you good, bro?” you asked out of a sudden, making sam look at you quickly

“wh-what?”

“your skin, the goosebumps?” you couldn’t help but giggle, wondering how sam’s skin was reacting like that during plain summer.

sam hated losing his composure, so he worked hard to go back to his usual self.

“what can i say? get goosebumps when my eyes find such pretty face” he never realized he was stroking your face until he caught your eyes growing big.

instantly he retreated his hand, biting his nail quickly while thinking his next move. the atmosphere was weird, you both could tell. however, josh’s loud voice reciting probably some theater play cut the thin tension with scissors, managing to distract two friends who had crossed quite of a line just seconds go.

danny.

danny is way more chill than the rest. danny is always more chill than the rest. he would probably be way shyer than ever around you. you were jake’s best friend, and had been introduced to danny as such a long time ago. at first he was fine, but it was the way you were so sure of yourself, so confident in your own skin and so full of life that had danny contemplate his feelings a lot. he wanted to see you as a friend but it was hard when you would smile. i can see him making a move, though. but i also feel he wouldn’t do it right and, so, you may never realize he was actually making a move. after that failed attempt, i can see danny staying away from you for a while, too embarrassed to see your face.

the failed attempt happened a short while ago, actually. it was at a dinner party after a good series of concerts that had the entire group biting their nails every night. josh had made the decision to perform some songs that worried him, and once the nights turned successful, it was meant to be celebrated. you were holding onto jake; though you were friends with everybody, jake was the only one you trusted and felt safe with. he understood right away how anxious you were and so he made sure he never left his eyes off you. however, it was to be expected of jake to get incredibly drunk to the point that he was impossible to control. you had tried for hours but the boy was determined to have a good night and, upon yourself not being able to consume due to being the designated driver, you decided to let him go and do his stuff while you sat at a table, watching people have fun and slightly overanalyzing your decisions. you weren’t exactly doing anything nor were you looking for someone to talk to. hence why it surprised you when danny approached you out of nowhere, holding two plates with flan. he had a small smile on his face, a very shy one, that made you think there were no double intentions behind his actions. because of that, you let him sit beside you to share the delicious dessert he had picked. while you ate and enjoyed the night, you began chatting, on your side completely unaware of danny actually having more than one intention.

“why were you so alone over here?” danny inquired as he took the spoon to his mouth

“jake is completely wasted and i can’t drink. i’m taking him back home” you commented

“i can take you two back home, if you want” he did a small pause, as he watched you eat distractedly “maybe we can drop him first and catch up afterwards”

embarrassment hit him after you shrugged and showed a smile.

“it’s fine, don’t worry. jakey does this all the time, i’m used to it” you stroked his arm and stared back at him, never noticing the look on his face “thank you, dan”

he waited only a few minutes before excusing himself, ashamed of failing his mission. danny made sure to not talk to you for days just to recover.

jake.

jake is like, a mix of all of the above, to be honest. like he’s way shyer around you than usual, but he’s also quite chill anyways. words probably don’t come off so easily when he speaks to you, eye contact is harder to maintain when you stare at him and his body can’t stay still around you. however, jake probably can be around you, not like josh that would be a total awkward mess. in fact, i feel like jake would do anything to be always around you. and he would know you’re danny’s best friend from starters, as he would be worried about ruining any possible friendship by having a crush on you.

i can see jake even coming up with a plan and all. obviously, he needed an accomplice, someone to double check his outrageous plan, and to nobody’s surprise, josh was the most suitable option. double trouble over here were coming up with ideas to let jake have his moment with you. it was josh’s idea to have a small reunion for only close friends, which was the perfect excuse to have danny bring his best friend, you. jake was dying to see you and hated danny for never allowing you to visit. it made sense though, as the drummer believed he would not be able to concentrate if he had his best friend in the room. but jake did not agree at all; jake wanted to see you every day or else he could die. now, thanks to his twin brother, danny could not reject the idea of bringing you to a small party at josh’s party. as jake had been wishing, you walked inside the house looking like a true model. his mind was screaming profanities as he watched you come closer to him. unfortunately, all you wanted to do was greet everybody, and that included him. throughout the night jake had to pay attention to his twin brother who was doing god’s work to get you to abandon the party, a perfect opportunity for jake to intervene. the moment arrived after midnight, when you felt the need to get some air. you left the house through the main entrance and, after josh did his little “go!” signal to jake, the latter nodded and followed behind, pulling out a cigarette and a lighter on his way. you allowed him to sit by your side, unaware of what was coming next.

“i have a question, can i ask you, y/n?” the atmosphere had been completely silent for minutes and jake’s voice came so suddenly off his body that you even jumped a bit

“you always can” you replied softly, resting your head on your hand, which was supporting your body on your leg

“how close are you to danny?”

the question was weird and jake knew it, but he needed the green light.

“what do you mean?”you were frowning with a smile, trying to remain respectful while still being confused by the weird approach

“i mean, i wanna know before asking you out, i don’t wanna ruin any friendship”

you wanted so bad to answer instantly, but there were no words coming off your mouth. you had never been so speechless before, the question taking you off within seconds. on his side of the conversation, jake was crying inside his head. he wondered where he got the balls to make such a question, but it was your silence what was killing him. had this been a good idea?

[enjennie]

Presents and the Past | Huang Renjun

summary: after an abrupt breakup, your now ex boyfriend renjun drops over a gift he’d bought for you before the sudden split up, leading to a rather heart wrenching christmas encounter by your front door underneath a mistletoe.

genre: angst + fluff

warnings: none

word count: 1.4k

"I can’t believe you,” You spoke into the phone as you fought back the tears that have been welling up in your eyes the moment you realized your boyfriend of 4 years has yet again stood you up on a date because of his busy schedule. You understood the first time, second, fifth… but tonight was your anniversary.

You’ve anticipated the night since you and Renjun planned it, three days ago. He said, dinner under the stars, just the two of you, in your favourite restaurant. Well, not only were you alone, but you weren’t even under the stars. It decided to rain, of all days. And the waiter took you inside, to a table deserted from the rest, alone and embarrassed. So you sat there, for 2 and a half hours, eating the free bread and drinking the overpriced wine.

“I’m really sorry, Y/N, I’m on my way,” He sounded disappointed in himself, but not as much as you were towards him. “Don’t bother, I left. Don’t bother coming home either, okay? I don’t think I can see you now. We’re done. I said I would be patient,” a tear escaped from your eye, running down your cheeks. “My parents told me it would be hard,” you pushed yourself to continue. “Gosh, my mom loves you, Renjun,” your voice cracked at the end of your sentence as you broke into a sob. There you were, in your fancy little dress, all dolled up for the boyfriend who couldn’t even make a note to remind him of your special day.

“I’m sorry, Renjun. I don’t think I can love you enough for the both of us anymore because with the way how this is going, I’m just losing my self respect,” and with that, you end the call and the relationship altogether.

 It’s been a few weeks since the breakup. Like you asked, Renjun didn’t come home that night, and you didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing. But today, as you got the Christmas decorations ready and hung up your stockings in your Christmas jumper along with your parents, the doorbell rang and you open it to reveal the same brown haired boy you’d fallen for countless of times all these years, holding out a present to you.

“I know you didn’t want to see me, but I’d gotten you a gift before the whole… thing, happened and all the mailing companies are closed for the holidays so I couldn’t have it delivered,” he explained. You stared at the box, not sure you even have the strength to hold and receive it after seeing his face and missing it for so long.

“Are aunt and uncle home? I also got them… this,” He took out another box from his pocket. Your eyebrows furrowed together. As crazy as it seemed, when he pulled another box from his pocket, you were trying not to laugh. You thought he was suddenly doing magic tricks, pulling things out of his pockets. But the sadness hit you once again when your eyes met his, and you see how tired they were.

You nod your head in thanks and he reaches over to give you the two boxes. You take them gently, as if they were glass. You wished he handled you as carefully as he did these gifts when he had the chance.

After a few moments of silence, Renjun pushes his hands deep into his pockets and nods. “I should go. Merry Christmas, Y/N,” He manages to give you the smallest of smiles, and the saddest one too. You watch as he slowly turns, and your heart breaks little by little.

“Renjun!” A voice behind you startles you both, and you realize it’s your mom’s. Renjun turns to the call of his name and he greets her. “Ah hello, auntie. Merry Christmas,” he gives a bow and your mom returns it. Your dad comes a second later. “Won’t you come in?” Your father asks. You looked at your parents, searching for an answer as to why they were making it harder for him to leave than it already was.

“Oh, no. I shouldn’t, I just dropped by some presents,” Renjun politely declines them.

“Ah, well, in that case… You might as well take some cookies to go,” your mom disappears into the kitchen and before you know it, she’s carrying a box of cookies and walking towards Renjun. He walks closer to the door to receive it and he’s right beside you now. He’s close enough for you to be able to catch a whiff of his cologne, which happened to be the one you left him in your shared apartment as an anniversary gift before you left. You heart breaks even more, as if it wasn’t already in pieces by now.

Your parents say their goodbye to him and he thanks them for the cookies before they leave and it’s just you, Renjun and the mistletoe above you both. You wouldn’t have noticed until your father said, “Watch out for the mistletoe by the doorframe,” as if you or Renjun were tall enough to be bothered by it.

“I’m sorry about that-,” You apologize at how your parents were being before getting cut off by Renjun’s suddenly interrupting you. “Y/N I’m sorry…” He sighs. Renjun looked intently into your eyes. His words stunned you, and once more you felt your heart break. His apology was stained with so much pain and sadness, it bled through it. Two words, that meant so much. When a few seconds pass without a response from you, Renjun slips the box of cookies into his pocket and takes your hands in his. “I can’t lose you like this,”

You were frozen, like a deer caught in headlights. Your heart had shattered into a million pieces at this point after hearing these words from him.

“Renjun, I did my part in the relationship… why couldn’t you?” A tear managed to slip past your guard, and another, until before you know it, tears were streaming down your cheeks. Renjun’s hands leave yours and he starts wiping the tears from your eyes. “You did, baby. You did wonderfully and I’m sorry I put all of it to waste. I was stupid…”  

You couldn’t say anything, he’d taken the words from your mouth. All you could do was whimper in the pursuit of trying to keep it together, but failing.

“I’m sorry, I really did try to just bring over the gifts and leave because I know I’ve been doing nothing but hurt you these past few months. But seeing you just gave me more reasons to try and get you back,” He didn’t want to be weak in front of you, and choked back tears of his own.

‘On days that you’re weak, I’ll be strong enough to hold up the both of us’.

That’s always been his promise to you. And that’s exactly what he’s doing right now. As you give in and break down into tears, Renjun pulls you into an embrace. Neither of you wanted this breakup, but you were scared to step back into your relationship again. “I’ll be better,” he whispered, reassuring you. “I’ll be better for you and for us,” 

You pulled away and look at the person who’s been the center of your universe all these years and he whispers to you once more. “Can I kiss you?”

You give him his answer by placing your hands around his neck and pulling him into a kiss, warm enough to bring back summer. He kissed you like it was the first time. It was gentle, like you were the most fragile thing on earth. Renjun didn’t want to hurt you anymore. You were his night and day, his everything.

“I love you, Y/N,” he tells you just as you both pull away.

 “Making use of the mistletoe, I see. Honey, look! I told you it would work,” you hear your father say from behind you and you turn to see him holding a cup of hot chocolate as he calls your mother’s attention. Your mom pulls him back into the kitchen, scolding him about ‘giving the kids some privacy’ and ‘being nosy’.

Your cheeks burn up and you snuggle your head into Renjun’s neck to hide your embarrassment. Renjun laughs, caressing your hair to soothe you. Your hands snake their way around his waist as you find comfort in his warmth once again. You were home in his arms.

“Sorry, could we pull away for a second, I think we crushed your mom’s cookies in the pocket of my coat,”  Renjun nervously chuckles.

[ericsonclan]

I Am Different

Summary: Mitch has a memory of his saddest childhood moment.

Word Count: 1960

Read on AO3:

Mitch tried his best to keep up but his mom was moving way too fast. His small feet stumbled about as the six year old struggled to right his footing. “Mom, slow down!” Mitch looked up at his mom but she didn’t say anything; instead, her eyes focused on the middle distance at the bustling port town of Newhaven Landing. Tears were starting to mist her eyes as she kept the brisk pace. She couldn’t let on what she was about to do.

She had really tried her best but how the hell was she supposed to take care of a kid with the type of work she did? When she had learned that she had gotten pregnant due to one of her clients she had considered all options but had decided to have the kid. Looking over at her son, she knew that she had made the right call. She really did care about Mitch but she also knew she couldn’t take care of him anymore. If things went on like this, they’d both starve. The best thing she could do was let him go. The church would take care of him. That thought fueled her resolve and her grip tightened around her son’s hand.

Mitch glanced up with a frown; he couldn’t figure out why his mom was sad. It didn’t matter how many times he had asked - she wouldn’t say anything. So reluctantly he kept walking forward, trusting in her completely.

After a short walk they reached a church built with cobblestone and beautiful stained glass windows. The light bled through the glass causing different colors to dance along the floor inside the church. Soon the light disappeared as grey clouds covered the sky. Rumbles of thunder came from all different places, causing Mitch to look up.

“Mitch… Mitch. Mitchell,”

Mitch’s attention turned back to his mom at her voice. She knelt before him and gently held his face. His nose scrunched up when he saw that she was crying.

“I’m going to need you to be strong and stay right here, okay?”

Mitch nodded and watched as his mom got up and slowly disappeared into the crowd. Immediately he felt himself start to panic, his green eyes grew wide as his heart started to beat frantically. But he didn’t move. He had told his mom he would stay here, so he did. Until nearly two hours had passed and nothing had changed save for the thunder growing louder and the sky darker. His fear was becoming too much, worrying that his mom had been hurt. Mitch’s heart raced in his chest.

“Oh, are you lost, child?” A church worker walked forward.

“No! I’m waiting for Mom! She told me to be strong and stay here!” Mitch snapped.

The man was taken aback by the tone before pausing as if a realization had struck him. “Oh, I see. Come inside,” He reached out for the boy, knowing that he was most likely an abandoned child.

“No!” Mitch yanked his arm out of the man’s grasp. “Stay away! My mom is coming back!”

“No, she isn’t,” The church worker replied calmly, figuring honesty was the best way. “It's going to rain soon, so come inside,”

“No! You’re lying! My mom will come back!” Mitch backed away then panicked when the man took a step forward. Throwing a punch at the church worker, Mitch sprinted away. He frantically scanned the area, trying to find his mom who he was sure had gotten in a fight with another one of those scary men.

“Mom! Mom! Where are you!” Mitch called out to the crowd of people. Desperately he pushed his way through them as the sky began to open up and raindrops splattered onto the ground. The earth quickly turned muddy causing the small six year old to slip and trip. Colliding into the mud, Mitch spat out the dirt then cried out again. “Mom! Where are you! Mom!” He felt tears slip down his face as his emotions overwhelmed him. Clenching his fists he got up and kept running and running and running until his energy was depleted and the strength of his legs disappeared. Mitch collapsed to his knees as the rain continued to fall down, plastering his hair against his face. His body trembled, broken down by a mixture of the cold and his emotions as he tilted his head back and called out to his mom one last time before his voice gave out and the sky cracked with more thunder and lightning. His eyes stared up at the sky blankly; he had no idea what to do.

Mitch glanced up at the sky; it looked like it was going to be a sunny day. His eyes continued to follow the clouds until he felt arms wrap around him. Looking back he saw his wife holding him tightly.

“Gotcha,” Brody smiled up at her husband.

“You got me,” Mitch returned the smile then turned around in her arms and quickly wrapped his own arms around her. Leaning forward he captured her lips in a soft kiss. The couple held onto the kiss for as long as they could until they heard small footsteps barreling forward. Looking over, Mitch spotted Kade and Danica.

“Dad! We’re ready for an adventure!” Danica smiled up at Mitch.

“Yeah, so stop smooching Mom and let's go!” Kade bounced impatiently on the balls of his feet.

“Fine,” Mitch sighed then kissed Brody once more, making his kids groan. “Hey, that's rude!” Mitch huffed as he picked up Danica and held her in his arms then worked to pick up Kade and do the same. “Okay, who’s ready for a kickass time!”

Brody cleared her throat, making Mitch look back at his wife.

“Who’s ready for a safe kickass time,” Mitch corrected and noticed Brody’s smile at that.

“We are!” Kade and Danica shouted at the same time.

“Okay then go make sure you have everything,” Mitch put down his kids who ran off to make sure they had the stuff they needed for a fun day at the marketplace. Mitch and Brody waited, not minding that it took their kids a little while to return as the couple shared a few more kisses.

“We’re ready now!” Kade dashed forward with a proud grin, his wooden sword on his hip.

“Yeah,” Danica shook the small coin pouch she had, clearly excited to find something nice at this port town.

“Alright, then let's head out,” Brody walked forward with Kade who was beyond stoked for this. After saying some goodbyes to Raylan and Maisy he was off like a shot. Meanwhile, Mitch was jogging forward, bringing up the rear while giving his daughter a piggyback ride. Kade was busy showing off his cool new fighting tricks he had learned from Mitch and Aunt Violet to his mom. Brody smiled happily, giving him praise and helping him with his form when it was sloppy. Danica meanwhile was busy telling Mitch about all the great trinkets that Aunt Sophie had told her about and how she’d even gotten some good tricks on how to barter from Uncle Aasim.

“Oh yeah? I thought I was the greatest at getting good prices,”

Mitch’s words made Brody laugh. The couple shot teasing expressions at each other.

“No, you get grumpy and Uncle Aasim says that's how you lose money,” Danica explained while she played with her dad’s hair.

“Oh yeah? Well maybe I should talk to Aasim,” Mitch frowned. He was about to add to that when Kade let out a sharp gasp.

“Mom! Dad! Look!” He pulled on Brody’s sleeve and pointed at a stand that held decorative daggers. “Can I get one, please? Please?” Kade begged, trying his best to convince his parents. His dad was sold immediately but his mom seemed more cautious.

“Come on, Brodes, we’re gonna be on the seven seas until we’re old and grey. Kade and Danica will have to get real weapons eventually,” Mitch reached out and held his wife’s hand.

“Yeah, I just didn’t think it would be this soon,” Brody mumbled.

“I’ll be reeeaaallly careful! I promise!” Kade looked up with his best puppy dog eyes to try and win over his mom. It took a few more minutes of talking but eventually, Brody caved.

“Fine but you only get to use it when you’re with one of us. We don't want what happened when Maisy got her sword to happen again, okay?”

“Okay!” Kade nodded enthusiastically and then pulled his parents forward to the stand. Brody worked tirelessly to get the best deal she could, trying to not let her anxiety get the better of her. Soon her breathing was becoming uneven.

“Hey! Take her deal!” Kade frowned up at the seller. “She’s trying her best right now! So don’t be mean!” “Yeah! Be nice!” Danica added, glaring down from her spot on her dad’s shoulders.

The seller stared at the two kids then shrugged. “Fine, you win this time, kid,” He handed over the dagger which made joy shimmer in Kade’s eyes. Soon the family continued their stroll through the marketplace until Danica noticed some cool blank scrolls and quills.

“Can I get some new scrolls, please?” Danica asked as she held both her mom and dad’s hands. “And a new quill?”

“Sure,” Brody smiled down at her daughter.

“No fair! You said yes way quicker to her than me!” Kade huffed with a big pout.

“Because the item she wants isn’t dangerous,” Brody explained calmly.

“You can still stab someone with a quill,” Kade countered.

“Shit, he’s right,” Mitch saw Brody send him a look at that. “What? It’s true,” He stood his ground for all of three seconds before he sided with his wife. “Still, writing and shit is important and you got your market item too,”

“Yeah, I guess,” Kade kicked a pebble half-heartedly. Brody and Mitch shared a look and knew it was best to let him pout for a minute and before they attempted talking about it with Kade further. So they worked to get the ink, scroll and quills which weren’t hard to get a bargain for.

Soon Danica was proudly holding her purchases when her eyes grew large. “Mom! Dad! I don’t see Kade!”

Those words made both Mitch and Brody’s hearts sink. Their eyes frantically shot back and forth, trying to spot their son in the crowd. Brody picked up Danica and moved through the crowd with her husband. “Kade! Kade, sweetie, if you can hear us call back!’ Brody yelled as Mitch angrily pushed his way through the masses.

“Kade! Kade!” He searched everywhere with his family. With each passing second, he felt his worry grow until suddenly he spotted his son standing in front of a church. His eyes were filled with tears as he desperately looked for his family. “Kade!”

Mitch’s voice made his son look over. “Dad!” He ran forward, his arms outstretched. Mitch immediately wrapped him up in a hug, holding him tightly.

“Fuck, don’t scare us like that,” Mitch let out a shaky breath before his gaze focused on the church behind his son. Memories slowly began to crawl back into his heart and mind.

“Kade!” Brody sprinted forward and set Danica down before both of them joined the family hug. As the hug continued Mitch found himself remembering the promise he had made years ago before Kade and Danica were born when Brody was first pregnant. He swore he would be better than his parents. He swore he would be different and as he held his son close surrounded by the rest of the family Mitch felt that even through the missteps along the way he had kept true to that promise.

[svtkillua]

little lion man > alt. ending

rating: [pg-13 / angst]  pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader x todoroki shouto warnings: cursing, lots of yummy angst >:)) word count: 3.3k

listen while you read here!

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ch.1 + ch.2 + ch.3 + ch.4 (final) + alt. ending

Leaving behind the person you love the most was like ripping your heart out of your chest bare handed. When you boarded the plane that took you miles away from Bakugou’s sleeping figure, you left your heart there beside him, broken and tattered. It was up to him whether he would try to reassemble the pieces, and up to you whether you would want it back. You had both made so many mistakes and waited so long that you were in the worst situation imaginable, and really, you weren’t sure it was possible to pull back from that. You needed to understand yourself again. You needed to choose what you wanted, and so did he.

You would be lying if you said you hadn’t been petrified to find out his answer. 

The first six months of being away had been incredibly hard, the pain still fresh in your chest, the world continuing to spin while you fell apart. Simple tasks felt too hard to do some days because all you wanted was to cry. You wanted him, but wanted to be away from him all at the same time. You’d see him in everything you did and life felt like a challenge, because you now knew what it was like to hear him say he loved you too, and somehow that made it worse.

You heard through Todoroki the day after you left that Bakugou had broken things off with Camie. Though you felt guilty, the bubble of hope for the future that formed formed in your chest was unignorable.

He would call you every night those months, even though you never answered. You needed time but he didn’t want it, he would say he was trying but the messages waiting in your inbox every evening said otherwise. You’d listen to his voicemails in your too small bed, focusing on how his voice would quiver when he whispered how much he missed you. How badly he wished you’d talk to him. How much it hurt when he woke up and you weren’t there, like it’d all been a cruel dream that taunted him.

He’d fill the messages with admitting how stupid and wrong he had been to put you both in the situation you were in. Sometimes when he got particularly upset, his messages would turn into ants about how angry he was at himself for fucking up something that could mean so much.

Part of you felt awful hearing his heart broken tone. You felt like you had done the worst thing imaginable to him, like you’d crushed his entirety to bits and pieces. You hated the way his voice would crack when his messages got particularly forlorn. You would picture the tears dripping off his cheeks and staining his eyes a bloodshot red and wanted to vomit.

The other part of you felt maddened by the guilt that grew when you listened to them. You weren’t the one in the wrong this time. You weren’t the one who hurt two people in the process of figuring out what you wanted, he was, even if it started out unintentionally. You had only been hurting yourself. You had both been stubborn, but he had brought someone else into the situation, and for that, you were angry. Because even though you weren’t together then, knowing he broke it off with a girl who loved him fully to try and finally have you made you feel like the scum of the earth. Camie didn’t deserve that, she may not have liked you but she was only a victim to the same thing you were: love.

It wasn’t til seven months in that you decided to start answering the calls. The first time you had, the way his mood soared made the dull ache in your chest fade. It was still there, the pain, the anger, the frustration with the whole situation, but being away had made it easy to miss the little things about him. Like how he smelled when he enveloped you in his embrace and filled your senses. Like how he would tease you over the littlest things til you got annoyed and he’d giggle like a toddler.  Like the way he made you feel even when you were the saddest you’ve ever been.

Hearing his voice every night had become your routine, going to work teaching piano lessons at the local theater, eating a badly cooked ramen dinner, and laying in bed to talk to Bakugou. The conversations slowly went from quiet and filled with little confessions of pain, to laughing at his stories about life back home. You heard all about how he broke his toe with a can of beets and Kaminari wouldn’t take him to the doctors. He told you how he tried to make himself those cookies he loved so much only to nearly burn his kitchen down and make Midoriya try instead.

He would listen to you tell him about the kids you were tutoring and beg to listen to the songs you were producing on the side. He would list all sorts of stupid things he wanted to buy for your ‘lame sounding’ apartment. You would hear the smile in his voice whenever you laughed at his ridiculous suggestions for living room furniture; like a bunch of plush toy grenades like the ones straight from his hero costume.

It was so easy to yearn for him, so simple to hear his voice every night and want to fall back into his arms. You knew that taking your time would be important, the healing couldn’t be rushed or you’d only end up falling back apart in the end. You needed the time to find yourself again without him there beside you clogging your brain. He needed time to completely move on from any feelings he had for Camie, because if you were going to give things a chance, you wanted to be the only one.

You weren’t sure you’d be able to survive getting heartbroken by him twice.

After about eight months, the phone calls didn’t feel like enough. You were starting to heal, starting to let yourself be happy without him there beside you holding you up. You felt like you could breathe again, no longer stuck still in a place of torture. You were feeling like you again and all that was missing was the boy whose late night phone calls had been joined by constant texts throughout your days.

He had realized you needed space after asking to come see you twice and you insisting you weren’t ready, and as hard as it was for him, he tried not to push it. You could tell it bothered him, especially when your birthday came and went and he wasn’t there to celebrate with you. It was hard for him, to watch you grow without him, but he was growing too. He had learned things about himself he didn’t like and regretted decisions he’d made in the past. He was trying to make up for them one by one, all so that when you finally let him back in, he’d never have to leave.

It wasn’t until month ten when the boys had a vacation near you that you decided you were ready to see Bakugou again. You’d been petrified, so so scared that the pain would come thundering back along with the self doubt the second you saw him again. Hearing his voice every night was one thing, but it was easy to make empty promises of wanting and missing through a device. You were terrified you’d made him wait to long, that the love you almost had simmered away with no chance of saving it and you just didn’t know it yet.

The moment you slipped into the hotel lobby and knocked on their room door, those fears had been squelched, his smiling face having thrown the door open and enveloped you in the most bone crushing hug the world had ever seen. It was like the feelings from before came rushing in, but without the bitter aftertaste that left you teary eyed and distraught. It was like waking up for the first time in months without having a nightmare prefacing it.

That night had felt surreal, watching him throughout with the biggest grin. The boys all showered you with love and hugs and Kaminari apologized about eighty times for not telling you about the previous situation sooner.  Bakugou was beside you every second he was in the room, his body pulled to yours like a magnet. You could tell he was having a hard time resisting the urge to hold onto you, but it meant a lot he was. You knew he wasn’t one for taking things at a low tempo and you were thankful he was trying not to rush you, even if he was itching to take the next step forward.

When he reluctantly hugged you goodbye at the end of the night, his hands lingered around your middle and his lips hesitantly pressed into your temple, whispering how much he’d missed you and how he couldn’t wait til you came back home. The simple fact that he still wanted you to think of home being where he was made your stomach do a leap, and you found yourself excited to return there as well.

It was nearly a year to the day when you moved back, Bakugou, Kaminari and Shindo all being forced to help you move your things into your new apartment. Bakugou had been so eager to get you back in town he’d been the one who came and toured it, face-timing you the entire time and showing you each and every corner, explaining all the things you could add to make it your own. He was especially happy it was just a few streets away from his own place.

The look on his face when you pulled him aside from the others and asked him to stay for dinner had been the most ecstatic look you’d ever seen. You knew why he was happy and so were you, because you were finally in the place where you were letting yourself feel it, the love you had for him. You didn’t want to hold it back anymore, your body bursting to hold him and touch him and tell him what he meant to you.

You could feel it every second of every day, in every move you made, everything came back to Bakugou. Your Bakugou Katsuki that swore between kisses that night that he’d never hurt you again. Your Bakugou Katsuki that repented for his mistakes and begged your forgiveness for ever being as dumb as he had been. Your Bakugou Katsuki that forgave you for being too scared to come forward because he had been as well, and none of it mattered now. 

Another year passed with the season’s changing more each week. Your view from your apartment went from warm reds to subtle greys as the ground covered in white. By the time the snow melted and flowers started to bloom your view had changed from your small apartment, to a place all your own with Bakugou. He made you laugh every day and kissed you when you frowned. He would break into your showers and leave kisses along your spine while he washed away your stress. He took care of you when you were at your lowest and supported your every accomplishment like the proudest boyfriend in the world.  

Waking up every morning beside was a gift, because just two years ago you felt like none of it could ever be possible. You had been at your lowest point in your life, the most shattered you had ever felt and depressed beyond belief. You’d almost lost him, you’d almost let the one person you needed slip away. You had come out better from the pain and landed in a dream that you never wanted to wake up from.

Which brought you to now, where your legs were tangled up in the sheets with your sleeping boyfriend, his hair a mess on the pillow and his cheeks smushed against the plush cushion. Your fingers were trailing light paths up and down his bare chest, eyes flickering between every little mole and freckle on his flushed skin. The way his lips curved slightly as he began to stir awake made your own smile spread, eyes drooping shut as you pretended to still be asleep.

You could feel his hands sliding around your waist as he tugged your body into his, legs completely encasing yours like a monkey. The puff of air he let out as he kissed your forehead made your hair flutter off of it, his lips puckering into a gentle kiss on the surface. His kisses trailed up to the top of your head, fingers creeping up under his shirt you’d stolen, before taking his claim on your lower back.

“I know you’re awake.” He whispered against your ear lobe in that raspy morning voice that drove you crazy. His lips brushed your skin as he chuckled into it, heartbeat thumping slowly in his relaxed state. The sun peeking through the windows warmed your bits of exposed skin, the warm patches making the room brighter. Your eyes flicked open as you pouted at him, adjusting so your palms rested against his chest, fingers just barely sliding over his shoulder blades.

“How could you tell?”

“Because I wasn’t asleep and could feel you touching me.” He grinned, laughing lightly at your eye roll and small smack to his chest.

“Don’t make it sound so creepy.”

“I can’t help it you can’t control yourself, I know I’m irresistible.” His laughing made you smack his chest again, trying to frown like you were annoyed. He adjusted the both of you, hands sliding to your hips as he maneuvered onto his back and pulled you on top of him. The sun cast a glow against his cheek at the angle, making your insides twist from how beautiful he looked.

Your hair was longer than it had been before, falling in a messy manner over your shoulders, the shirt you’d taken from him far too large on you and serving more as a dress than anything else. His hands slipped from your hips down to your bare thighs, thumbs rubbing circles into the skin as he held you in place on his lap, your knees bent on the sides. The blanket had pooled around your backside, making goosebumps rise from the sudden burst of cool air hitting your skin.

“You’re so damn beautiful.” The way his voice barely met your ears made your neck feel hot, his eyes soft and squinted slightly as they trailed over every inch of you. His eyebrows furrowed as his smile faded a minute amount, a heavy puff of air coming from his lips as he gripped you tighter. “I can’t believe I almost fucked up so bad I never got this. I was such an idiot.”

“We both messed up.” You clarified and let your fingers play with the waistband of his pitch black sweat pants, snapping them once against his pelvis.

“I messed up worse though. I did stuff that hurt people. I hurt you.”

There were still some days when you could picture him down on his knee proposing to Camie. There were still some nights when he’d be gone late training and the consuming frustration would try to rear it’s head again, but you loved him. You loved him, and he loved you, and you knew he was trying to be as good as he could be for you, to make up for his mistakes.

“It’s in the past Katsu, stop dwelling on it.”

“But I was such an idiot.”

“You’re always an idiot” You rolled your eyes at his persistence, cracking a smile when he started to whine at your statement. His hands found their way to your middle under the shirt, fingers attacking your sides as he sent you into a fit of laughter, your body falling forward onto his chest. In a quick movement he was on top of you, pinning you down with his  weight as he continued his tickle assault.

“Take that back, you little brat!” His own voice was laced with laughter as his eyes shrunk into those half moons you so loved, your own eyes watering and spilling over. Your body was squirming underneath him, your legs tangling between his longer ones, blankets twisting around your lower halves.

“I take it back!’ You gasped, tears gliding down your temples from how hard your laughter was, hands desperately gripping his biceps to try and make him stop.

“Now say you love me.”

“I love you! I love you!” Your laughter bellowed out as his hand stopped moving at your side, the other slipping around your neck and behind the pillow as he buried his head into your shoulder. His laughter was contagious, your happiness mixing and filling the air as he rustled so he was held up by his elbows above you. Your laughter died down finally as you locked eyes, his lips softening into a gentle expression.

“Marry me then.”

“What?” You asked, eyes widening as he leaned back to sit up, your own body following suit, crossing your legs as you watched him. Between his fingers sat a simple ring, no fancy diamond, no brightly colored flashy things, just a simple white gold band with a B carved inside.

“Not right now,” He clarified as his hand grabbed for yours, lifting it up to his lips and pressing a kiss to each and every knuckle as he spoke, “but someday, when we’re both ready.”

The earnest look on his features made you melt, nodding as he slipped the delicate ring into its proper home on your finger. He kissed the surface of it, making a silent promise to not lose you this time.

The pair of you had been through every emotion. You’d been through the pain of loving someone that didn’t love you back how you wanted. You’d been through the anguish of feeling the other slipping away. You’d experienced the distance that lingered when you were apart, and now finally you were feeling the bliss of becoming one. And it was indescribable.

“Gosh I hate your hair.” You snorted after a few silent but meaningful moments, reaching forward and twirling a strand of his awful bedhead of spiky, blonde hair around your finger, ignoring how he grumbled over it.

“It’s not my fault, mood killer.” He grumbled, showing a barely noticeable smile to make it obvious he knew you were messing with him. His nose brushed against yours, your finger slipping from his hair and instead trailing over his jaw. His eyes slipped shut as he savored the feeling of you so close to him, your thumb brushing against his bottom lip. “Besides, I think you kinda like it.”

“Hm, maybe.”

“Shut up, I know you do.” He huffed, grinning as his neck craned forward, kissing every freckle or mark on your skin along your neck and cheeks. His heartbeat  was slow and steady, mingling with yours when you rested your hand against the side of his throat.

“I love you, baby.” He whispered into a kiss, your bottom lip perfectly tucked between his as he twisted the ring around your finger twice, fingers interlocking in his lap. His lips were soft but sure, positive that this was exactly where he wanted to be; right beside you in your shared bed, in your shared apartment, with the world quiet around you. “Always have, always will.”

“I love you too.”

“I’m sorry I took so long to figure it out.”

The ring on your finger felt like a promise from Bakugou, a promise to never let you go again. A promise that while he hated it had been such a mess to get to this point, he was happy that he ended up with you.  A promise that when you were ready, he would ask the four words he hoped you’d say yes to in his heart.

He was ready for when that moment came, the diamond ring in a perfect little velvet box he had hidden in his dresser drawer.

And he knew when you were ready, you’d say yes.

---------------------------------

taglist: @bnhatrashh​ @icyhotpie​ @domtamaki​ @daphnxy​ @yamichxnwrites​ @hokage-state-of-mind​ @pizzaa05​ @whatevenisthiswhatt​ @justmylostdreams​ @bestgirlbeth​ @aria-bnha​ @the-wiener-soldierrrrr @sugarandsoft​ @overallweeb​ @chanultis​ @simply-not-the-same​ @andrastesbeard​ @bozowrites​ @criesinreid​ @ccoommpplleexx @tiredandkindaoverworked​ @buenasjovenes

[613ugh]

6. 8. 2021 | i have been so excited to share this spread on here. i absolutely love doing something like series of spreads. in the past, i've done bts as greek gods or bts in hogwarts hauses, and like a year ago i started working on bts as magical creatures. recently i made this spread for jungkook so that means i only have jin left and then i will be done with the series. once i finish it i might make like a big post, but you can find spreads for others on my instagram for now. 💗

to be honset, jungkook was a tough one, i had quite a lot of ideas but didn't know for which one to go. as you can see, i went for a dragon. and not only did a make this, but i also came with an idea for a fanfiction. to make it clear, i read fanfictions like, all the time, but i don't write them. sometimes i just get these ideas, but my writing skills are just not... there. i tried to write something in the past, but i have no idea what i am doing and literally never finish anything.

i still wanted to share this idea here because it has been on my mind for some time and who knows, maybe someone else will like the idea and write it one day. so here I go.

yoonkook | dragon jeon jungkook | witch min yoongi

imagine

dragons have two forms - dragon form, their true form, and human form. but even in a human form, anyone is able to tell that they are dragons. they still have wings, and scales on some parts of their body, their eyes stay the same and depending on their kind they can also have horns, claws, or other things.

dragons are not born evil, how some might think. they can be nice, but other creatures are still terrified of them.

jungkook is a beautiful black dragon, who grew up with his family in mountains, far from anyone else. and since day one, he is a black sheep of their family. jungkook is way more gentle and soft-hearted than any of his siblings. he has never been very fond of hunting, but oh, he has always been such a curious baby dragon. oftentimes he would change to his human form only to be scolded by his mother. she would always say, that he should be proud of being a dragon. show off his beautiful scales.

but no matter what his parents would say, he would always sneak to the forest - to find friends, to see the world. every time he would try to catch animals so he can play with them, not realizing that it doesn't matter in which form he is, they still can smell that he is a dragon. in the end, he would always return home sad, because all the animals ran away from him.

a few times he would come across a different creature while exploring the forest. and just like the animals, they would always run, not even giving him a chance.

sometimes he would go to the river and collect pretty rocks. when he went there for the first time, he came back to their cave all excited, showing his finds to his siblings. but they laughed at him and told him he is not supposed to collect rocks. he is a dragon, he should collect gold or silver, something with value. he cried that day because they said that there is something wrong with him. however, he would still keep his rocks, because they are so pretty. and he would go to the river for more, in secret.

and then there is this special place about which jungkook never told anyone. the flower fields. when he found this place, he thought it must be a heaven on earth. the flowers smell so nice and he would spend hours just laying in them. and one day he would collect few flowers and bring them (in secret) to the cave. the next day was probably the saddest day in his whole life. the flowers died overnight. he killed something so beautiful.

and as time went by, jungkook would slowly accept the fact that he is a beast that everyone fears. he would still wonder if there is any place where he would fit. he has always been the weird one among dragons, and it seems like the forest is not for him as well.

and one day, it would be just too much. once he reaches adulthood, he takes his precious rock and flies away. behind the mountains, in a direction, he never went before.

he spends a long time wandering around. until one day, he hurts his wing while hunting. he is well aware that hunting in the forest is not the best idea, but hunger is hunger.

and then something wild happens.

a man finds him lying there and doesn't run, he comes closer. and oh boy, he is beautiful. jungkook's brain stops functioning for a few long moments, until he realizes that man is not human, he is a witch.

he lets the witch come really close to his injured wing. maybe he should be more careful, but this is literally his first good experience with another creature (so far at least). the witch gently tells him the wound is not too deep, but that he has some herbs back at home that could help the healing process.

and that's how jungkook finds himself following the witch home. he learns that the witch's name is min yoongi.

the next few days jungkook spends in his dragon form, letting yoongi take care of him. even though he can't really talk to yoongi like this, it still feels like they became friends really quickly.

once his wing is healed enough, jungkook changes his form. he is very nervous about it, but yoongi helps him relax right away. jungkook is kind of clumsy in his human form and yoongi is so sweet and patient about it. they kind of start living together, some nights jungkook stays outside in his dragon form, and some nights he shares a bed with the witch.

yoongi shows jungkook a whole different way of living. he cooks meals without meat and jungkook can't even believe that he doesn't have to hunt. he also shows jungkook his books, helps him to learn how to read, explains everything the dragon is curious about.

yoongi also has cats, that are not scared of jungkook at all. it's actually a complete opposite - they love him. jungkook cried the first time when they cuddled together. they are so soft and adorable.

yoongi also takes jungkook to fields, where he collects flowers and herbs for his spells and potions. at first, jungkook is like no, I can't collect them, they will die, but yoongi quickly reassures him that it's fine and he shouldn't worry about it. so they collect what they need and once back at home yoongi shows jungkook how to press flowers so they stay all nice and pretty. literally, every day jungkook would ask if they can look at them already, but yoongi always tells him to be patient. in the end it all pays off - jungkook is so happy with how the pressed flowers look. once he gets better at reading, he starts learning about all kinds of flowers, plants, herbs, and animals too.

and that's how they continue living in their small cottage. with time they get closer, they start holding hands and cuddling, they exchange kisses, and jungkook swears he has never been happier, there is no day he is not thankful for leaving the cave and meeting the witch.

one day jungkook gives yoongi his favorite rock as a counting gift and explains to him that he would like yoongi to be his mate for life. yoongi accepts the rock and lets jungkook court him in a proper way.

and one night, in their little cottage, with candles all around them, they mate for the first time.

jungkook realizes that he is not a beast. he is just jungkook. a black dragon who is very curious, who loves pretty things like flowers or rocks, whole loves animals and reading. he finds a place where he belongs, right beside yoongi.

ig: 6.13ugh

[snkpolls]

SnK 131 Chapter Poll Results

The chapter poll closed with  2,192 responses. This month’s poll results were brought to you by @momtaku​, /u/staraves, Crunchwrap, u/_Puppet_, Luna.  Thanks as always for your support.

  RATE THE CHAPTER 2,118 responses

This was a standout chapter for the fandom, garnering a positive rating from over 90% of respondents and an average score of 4.68 which makes it the highest rated chapter since 122 - and in the top 5 in the history of the poll! Many of you were eager to express your enjoyment of it, with this question getting the most responses it has since chapter 102 (over two years ago!). As we go deeper into the endgame, it’s good to know enthusiasm is going strong.

Yams is a damn genius. This is one chapter I have not been able to stop thinking about or rereading. It's just... its so fucked up and SO. WELL. DONE.

I really, really loved this chapter. My favourite so far probably.

This is the first time I cried after a chapter. It hit me so hard.

Almost made me quit the manga. We finally got a confession from Armin, but right in the middle of all that grief, I couldn't enjoy it. Poor Ramzi and Halill, and all other innocent people beyond and within the Walls.

This chapter has had a ripple effect on how I’m seeing the series now in retrospect. I’ve been re-reading the manga , & I’ve become very melancholic after the Rumbling , knowing  everything was leading to this.

This was a phenomenal chapter. Thank you Isayama for everything.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT?

2,137 responses

Finding a favorite moment in a tragic chapter isn’t easy but we managed. “Child Eren’s moment of happiness” tops the list with an impressive 30% of respondents. “Seeing the reality of the rumbling” (18.8%), “Eren’s tearful apology to Ramzi” (15.9%) and “Getting Eren’s thoughts on the Rumbling while in Marley” (13.8%) round out the top four.

Very cool to finally see the destruction caused by the rumbling and some more insight into Eren's character

I like that this chapter showed perspectives from both the initiator of the rumbling (Eren) and the victims of his choice. It makes you sympathize with Eren, but at the same time, terrifies you with the price humanity has to pay.

Definitely one of the most depressing, if not the most depressing chapter thus far. Isayama brilliantly handled the transition between Eren's despair and the result of Eren's despair (Rumbling). Beautiful artwork. Great cliffhanger. Definitely a 9/10.

Tragic, Terrifying, Heartbreaking also Awesome because atleast AruAni became somewhat cannon

beautiful art as usual

The freedom scene with kid eren is the most beautiful/horrifying scene of the manga.

I also loved the Annie and Armin talk, anyone who says it's shipping cringe is a child, this was a long time coming and it was executed beautifully. (I also love how Hitch was mentioned twice, she would be proud of Armin this chapter.)

Ramzi and Halil deaths were the saddest part of this chapter, and I don't know about Ymir, but I guess she's helping Eren.

The panel showing the wall titans faces, especially the one shown on the right with empty eye sockets, gave me the chills. Can't wait to see how things will go down between the gang and Eren.

  WHO WAS THIS CHAPTER’S MVP? 2,144 responses

This month giving us the most harrowing chapter in a while made it feel wrong to be looking for an MVP amidst all this despair, and almost half of you agree (47.5%). Just over a quarter of you believe the Eren focus earned him the spot (28.9%), with 9.4% choosing Armin and 9.1% selecting best bros Ramzi and Halil. A distant minority of you chose Annie and Birb, the former of which coming dead last. Poor Annie, you’ll be more popular than a bird one day.

the true mvp was the depression we got along the way

Eren needs a hug

Eren needs to be put down.

I really admire the way Isayama deeply makes you care for a character in a few panels, like he did for those two - relatively unknown - boys.

Annie is the best girl

birbs are the rreak mvp since chap 1

  EIGHT MONTHS AFTER FIRST APPEARING IN THE MEMORY SHARDS, WE GET FEZ-KUN’S STORY.  DID IT LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS? 2,121 responses

Only a month ago, the fandom had no idea what to make of the mysterious Fez-Kun. The plucky pickpocket had a simple but effective story, and knew more secrets than he could possibly have understood. A perfect half of respondents were pleasantly surprised with Fez kid’s part in the story. 41.2% were content as it was about what they expected. 6.2% wanted to see a more in-depth picture but alas, that chance has been crushed mercilessly along with Ramzi’s hopes and dreams (and… the rest of him). 2.5% just weren’t into anything that let Eren lean into some morally black territory. Don’t worry, there are still plenty of grey shades here. Very dark shades of grey.

I didn't expect Ramzy's story to be expanded on, but it's so brutal to see the man he's been talking to killing him, his brother, his family and his hopes.

I know Ramzi and Halil were plot devices, but damn their death hit hard.

I think Eren saving Ramzi is foreshadowing. He knew Ramzi was gonna die in rumbling, yet he saved him. Same will happen, after someone reaching him and reminding him who he is, Eren will stop this madness and die. Or I wanna be hopeful.

even if i'm satisfied with Ramzi's story, I wish there would have been more to it because it is a tiny bit dissapointing but it's more or less what I expected.

Ramzi and Halil didn’t deserve death

i think everybody who dies in this rumbling will get back alive same will happen to halil and ramzi they will come back alive

Ramzi and Halil's deaths were so horrible but so good to see, because this is what it means when you destroy the world. You don't get to pluck out the nice ones and enjoy killing the bad ones. It's the height of cruel selfishness. And no amount of apologies changes that.

Ramzi and Halil deserved so much better

  WHY WAS EREN DISAPPOINTED THAT HUMANITY EXISTED OUTSIDE THE WALLS? 2,117 responses

There’s been disagreement over exactly what Eren meant when he said he was disappointed that humanity existed outside the walls and our poll reflects that. Just over a third of the fandom (34.2%) take Eren’s words literally and believe that his disappointment was with any existence of humanity since it marred his pristine childhood vision. The second most popular option is that he was disappointed in the attitudes, selecting “he was disappointed to discover all of humanity was filled with violence and oppression” (29.5%). We deliberately left off an “All of the above” option but that didn’t stop more than 50 people from writing it in.

He is disappointed at the fact that he has to fight humans with homes, families, pasts and futures and not mindless titans.

It's also a clear contrast between the outside world Armin envisioned and the one Eren wanted. Armin genuinely wanted to know more about it, Eren wanted his worldwide natural park to walk on. When it was full of civilization, he wanted to get rid of it. Like any typical villain wanting to purify the Earth of all the worms infesting it.

When he discovered that humans are just as cruel within the walls as without, it put his entire journey into perspective. He could not be Eren the hero or Eren the explorer and ultimately meant that the sacrifices made by his comrades were negligible in comparison to the big, cruel world , at least in his own mind.

He thought of all the beautiful landscapes and stuff that Armin showed him. Too bad there's these stupid humans in the way. Makes sense to eliminate the entire human population ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Everyone's fight against titans was pointless and the people who caged them could enjoy the things that Eren will never experience. The world is not a uninhabited landscape open to explore it, the world didn't need them and their freedom wasn't a possibility to enjoy it like the others civilizations do.

The world was out there and yet they did NOTHING to help Eldia

yes, eren is disappointed because there are now more enemies. but more than that, he's disappointed that they're not the monsters he's imagined them to be. that he can't kill them without feeling guilt and remorse.

he would never be able to enjoy the freedom he wanted because the clock is ticking and he will have to keep on resisting the whole world till the end without ever having time to properly realize his dream

I think he's disappointed in the fact that he's feeling sorry for humanity outside the walls just like Reiner used to feel sorry about people inside the walls. When he discovered Reiner was a traitor, he especially hated that part of his behavior, and how he realizes they're not that different, and in any case he's worse because at least Reiner had his child soldier brainwashing as an excuse

His disappointment is as bad as it sounds, having to deal with humans outside the walls was too bothersome for him and when the option to wipe them out was available to him, he was more inclined to take it, instead of fight for another resolution.

Typical privileged White boy outraged by prejudice and hatred OUTSIDE the walls, as if that didn't exist in Paradis already.

Any hopeful expectation Eren had of the outside world were completely decimated. Not only did he discover that humanity hadn't perished, but they actively contributed to or blissfully ignored Paradis' hell. In addition, the outside world is exploiting one other for resources. Paradis’ synthetically concocted hell is just part of a game to the outside world (there’s some uncomfortable real-world allusions here and I think it’s important that it’s being explored). Eren thought he was the saviour of humanity only to discover everything's he's done was for naught, humanity's the problem in his eyes.

  WHAT DO YOU THINK OF EREN’S CONTRADICTORY NATURE? 2,106 responses

Deciding to crush the vast majority of the world and its citizens kind of takes a mental toll on people. Who knew? 48% of respondents think Eren’s emotional breakdown side by side with determination to reach freedom at any cost is simply him deciding the results will be worth his immense guilt. 23.2% think it’s a very human case of cognitive dissonance, and that Eren’s just trying to juggle his conflicting values. 19.2% believe his mental state is fraying at the seams reminiscent of the way Reiner’s did. 6.8% don’t buy that there’s any contradiction being shown here.

He was willing to throw away his humanity to become the monster that brings change

He's being a hypocrite. His guilt doesn't hold any value because it's entirely his choice. He's apologizing because there's no greater good, just his selfish dream.

He's never been okay, it's just that we're finally seeing him for who he is without the "protagonist illusion".

I don't think it's contradictory though. He's grieving sure, but he's also going along with his plan. Because he wants to be free.

He's not mentally stable and it shows

He's to some extent influenced by the Shingeki and/or its previous holders

He's trying to convince himself that humanity is evil sl he won't feel guilty about what he's doing

Hes a fully grown adult who knows better, no matter how bad he feels he doesnt deserve sympathy

The future cannot be changed and Eren is a slave to the attack titan's objective to push foreward

This chapter shows a lot of parallel between Eren and Reiner, he even said himself that he's worse than Reiner in the genocide that he's created. says himself that

What a fucking asshole

When Eren saw the future he knew the rumbling was inevitable so he is the one having to carry to burden of being ‘humanity’s enemy’ whether or not it was Eren to fulfill the rumbling it would’ve happened either way so he isn’t immediately a devil

Erens nature isn’t contradictory. He’s just now becoming self aware of the impact of his violent nature

He feels guilty about his actions and feels sorry for people who are going to be killed, but on the other hand - he is selfish and will do everything to reach his perfect reality.

Humans are an amalgamation of their actions. They sometimes arrive at destinations they did not fully intend. They may also realize too late that the path that they’ve set down is leading them in a direction they are not happy with, but eren is too far gone. He’s sane, understands he is objectively evil, but cannot turn back.

He totally snapped and turned into the psychopath that was sleeping inside of him for a long time. It was indeed very dangerous to entrust him with more power than he can handle.

Isayama did the same thing with Zeke. I think he likes the idea of the cool, mysterious guy, but it falls flat when the motivation doesn’t line up & the characters turn out to be crying & weak to fit the narrative once it’s revealed.

I don't know how to word this, but he is caged in his own vision to the point where any human decency and the ability to think is killed. Only a selfish, hateful and childish shell remained that is throwing a tantrum over his childbook fairytale not being true. It's not the same as Reiner, because Eren chose this. He wanted this, it is his fault. He had the power to stop this, but didn't. He can apologize as much as he wants, but he isn't feeling sorry at all.

He feels guilty, which is why he is having a mental breakdown like Reiner.

He’s having a mental breakdown but it's worse than Reiner's

painfully obvious this chapter was just Eren trying by all means to justify the Rumbling. Not because of some noble intention or cornering them into the inevitable, but just because he wanted to erase the world.

the eren reiner parallels man.. they never stop

  IN HIS FINAL MOMENTS, RAMZI SEES AN APPARITION OF YMIR. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? 2,104 responses

Ymir has finally appeared since we last saw her in chapter 122, and her presence as well as motivations are seemingly shrouded in mystery. Over a third believe she is watching everything but not necessarily feeling good or bad about it (32.1%), and some of you think she may be questioning her decision (16.2%). A minority of you opted to choose that her appearance means she is enjoying seeing it unfold (9.6%), or that we are witnessing a phenomenon related to titan deaths that have occurred all this time (7.5%). The most popular choice, however, (34.6%) is simply expressing bewilderment at the Evangelion-esque shenanigans we’re seeing.

Ymir could be the one doing all the actions of destruction since Eren let her free.

i really think after ymir appeared again even tho eren freed her that she's regretting giving him the founder's power and will have a role is taking him down

the presence of Ymir intrigues me and I hope that in the next chapter we will have her point of view.

I think Ymir is the one who's been pulling the ropes for a long time. Whenever Eren thinks there might be another way (especially throught he disappearance of the Eldian race) he compulsively thinks that he just CAN'T accept that, like there's a force driving him towards seeking freedom.

I hope that Ymir appearance means that she is counting and seeing Eren victims so she can create them Again without Eldian hate

Ymir being outside, and Kid Eren appearing in the paths might have a connection. Ymir was a grownup when she was killed but inside the paths she was shown a kid. Same as Eren being shown in the paths. This might signifies Eren is not in control of the situation but Ymir is.

I have had theories for a while about Ymir possibly turning on Eren, whether this is to save the world to show she is better than Eren, or to bring Paradis to destruction as well to show she is just as bad.

WHAT IN THE EVA?

Loved the Evangelion reference. YAMS YOU MADLAD!

Ymir might be the true enemy

WHAT THE FUCK IS YMIR AYANAMI DOING THERE?  

  WHAT IS KID EREN DOING HERE? 2,099 responses

Child Eren appears in one of the most stunning panels of the chapter, but what does it mean?  Two options came out on top, with the idea that Eren is mentally regressing to a child (37.9%) edging out that it’s symbolism comparing child Eren to current Eren (36.1%).

I think we are going to see different Eren during the rumble, the past with Eren as a child, the future perhaps with a more mature or elderly Eren and the Eren of the present.

Adult Eren is incapacitated and Kid eren took his place through paths, will wake up for the "see you later, Eren"

Adult Eren unknowingly brought kid Eren’s consciousness to the present while he was sleeping under the tree. This is part of his “dream” that he had at the beginning of the story.

It is symbolises Erens mentality as a kid and how his flawed ideology doesn't hold up to the real world he faced outside of the walls. Also to cope.

Eren is the only character who cannot overcome the cycle of violence, so he will die.As you know, only without people can you become absolutely free, so he enjoys it when he realizes that nothing else binds him.

He has taken over paths from ymir, but since he is not bound by anything, he can do whatever the hell he wants, and is the reason he connected to armin while speaking to him.

It shows that Eren is not fully in control of the PATHS. For example in this scene, he remembers Armin because of his memory as a child talking about freedom with Armin then Armin suddenly appears although Eren himself didn't wish for something like that to happen thus it's just to show that PATHS connecting all Subjects of Ymir even in different timeline.

This links in with Floch... Eren loves Floch.

He was dreaming about the past and accidentally used the power of the Founder to show his younger self a vision of the Attack Titan's current point of view.

He's a sociopathic freak

It is symbolic of his old dream that he will have to give up on soon.

Can I say all of the above again? I saw it as a representation of Eren in his most pure, idealistic state which is then contrasted by the realistic horror of the destruction he is causing.

Brought into the present by adult Eren to give his younger self a taste of freedom without all the guilt. This is the beginning of the long dream kid Eren awakes from in Chapter 1.

Child Eren's Evangelion/Devilman(Crybaby)-esque "elation" seems like a metaphorical emotional release (and P A T H S shenanigans).

Something about the kid-Eren “freedom” scene is just so incredible and impactful; fully restored my faith that Isayama will deliver an amazing finale for this masterpiece.

THE MORE I LOOK AT THIS PANEL THE MORE MY HEART HURTS. ITS SO BEAUTIFUL YET SO DAMN FUCKED UP. GOD. FRICK. FRIIIICKKKKKK

  KID EREN FINALLY WITNESSES “THAT SIGHT”, BUT WHAT DID HE ACTUALLY SEE? 2,113 responses

The world-shattering reveal almost a year ago of Eren gaining an important glimpse into the future, characterised as “that sight”, was finally answered in this chapter -- or was it? The majority of you believe kid Eren was merely enjoying the view from above that filled him with freedom, blissfully ignorant to the carnage of the rumbling (50.8%). Close to a quarter (23.8%) think he was able to see the rumbling but was enjoying the freedom in spite of it, with a small portion (5%) believing all the death was a part of his glee. Some aren’t yet sold on the idea that this is “that sight”, perhaps believing we will see it later (20.4%).

I don't think that his inner child is aware of the rumbling. He is only focused on the scenery and wants Armin to see that too.

A world without any walls is what kid eren always wanted to see. Through paths, kid eren achieved this (without seeing the death)

  HOW WILL ARMIN BEING ABLE TO SEE KID EREN THROUGH PATHS AFFECT THE PLOT? 2,114 responses

Child Eren showing up was confusing enough, but he had to see Armin through paths too!?  What does it mean!?  A majority, at 55.5% think it foreshadows Armin’s coming importance in whatever the endgame turns out to be. Almost a third, at 28.6% think that it also opens up the possibility for other characters to connect with Eren through paths.

Armin was the person Eren has been sharing his dreams with. He is mentally showing his friend that the realisation of their dreams is finally at hand.

Eren can call forth anyone he wants, but if he doesn't want to see them I'm not sure if they could get to him

It foreshadows Armin and Eren clashing on a deeper level. I don't think anyone can actually stop Eren at this point.

Eren is so suped up with in this final form and with Ymir's "support" that when he thought about Armin it created a link through the paths.

Armin gets to briefly see the old "idealistic" Eren again. The one he can somewhat see eye-to-eye with and incidentally "created".

I think it might be just a visual metaphor on how Armin and Eren never really understood each other while sharing the same dream and that Armin is realizing that (I mean that the dream of "seeing the outside world" didn't mean the same thing to them). Or it might be that Eren is in a comatose sort of state and that since he technically is in control of paths, his thoughts are "sent" to Armin since he's reflecting on their shared dream

It shows Eren and Armin both want the same end goal. Though they disagree on the means of getting to it

The world is not like the one he saw in Armin's book. Hence why he contacted him, this is his way of reaching for his vision of freedom that he was denied because of the trauma of the wall.

Reference to the ocean scene where Eren was depressed and Armin excited, now its reversed

  WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ARMIN AND ANNIE’S TALK ON THE SHIP? 2,124 responses

While this tiny moment of apparent romance was a delight for the 20% of the fandom who expressed “Whoo hoo Aruani is canon!!”, the remaining 80% were slightly more subdued in their reaction. The largest percentage (35.3%) was happy that the build up between their characters had some payoff. The second most popular selection had nothing to do with Armin or Annie at all with “I just wanna know what’s up with the birds” garnering 26% of the vote. Lastly, 11.2% felt like this moment was completely out of place, selecting “Now’s not the time for love drama Isayama.”

We better see Armin and Annie kiss next chapter

The Armin/Annie was not that necessary, I’d loved way more a more "group" discussion with Mikasa, Jean n Reiner in it. Old 104th days style

Besides the shipping moment, Annie just came to terms with that she’s still not alone, which is huge for her character

I'm not sure if Isayama knows how unnatural aruani is. These two had a grand total of 3 interactions, and sparing each other still isn't prone to romantic feelings blooming on either side.

a bad fking attempt by isayama at romance, should have stuck with eren historia love child

The aruani was unexpected but nice xD I don't exactly ship them but they are cute in this chapter(I can't help but feel one of them is getting a death flag because of this though💀)

What about them talking about all the shit she did or has been through? I wanted to see that.

SHE'S NOT TAKING MY MAN ISTG SHE'S NOT ON MY WATCH

Ship and let ship, this is actually a very intresting pairing and I think the scene flowed very naturally. But I still hope that in the future manga focuses more in the plot and not in the ships. I'd hope the same from fandom, but of course that's too much to ask...

This was a nice moment away from death and destruction

They’re definitely gonna die soon

am i the only one who don’t ship annie and armin? like bro... she squashed your little friends like bugs

Yoo bitch AruAni is canon LETSS FUCKING GOOO Love this cinnamon couple..More canon couple please Yams!

CANT BELIEVE ARMIN IS TRYING TO GET A GF WHEN MILLIONS R DYING HES FR A HOE🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

I only saw Bertolt there.

Maybe it's just me but i dont see anything romantic about the scene to me i prefer the weird friendship they have

While it seemed slightly out of place I’m glad Isayama touched on their “therapy sessions”.

Oh God no please don’t do this, Annie isn’t they type of character that needs any sort of romance in her story to be happy

Both aruani is canon 🥳 and wtf Isayama not the time…

c'mon falling for an enemy uncounscious girl with whom you have wangsty once-sided talks, a girl you manipulated to capture and used as a bait against enemies, really ???

They’re finally talking, I’ve been waiting so long for them to talk things out, also I really like Annie’s character development! And finally CANON, I’ve been waiting for sooooo long!!!!!!

I selected the bird because I feel threatened by it but also WOO HOO ARUANI IS CANON

I really enjoyed the scene between Annie and Armin. I think it further cements AOT as a very human narrative. They both know there are bigger things going on, but that doesn't allow them to turn off their very human emotions, which come out in a moment of rest. I don't believe this will necessarily lead to more romantic scenes between them, unless the ending of the story is far more hopeful than I expect it to be.

  WHY DO YOU THINK EREN APPEARS TO BE IN A SLEEP-LIKE STATE? 2,088 responses

Not long after his grand arrival on the shore, Eren seems to be having a little nap. 45.3% of respondents think he’s relying on his base instincts for his walk around the world. 15.8% think he’s wide awake but just trying to ignore the squishy things he’s stepping on. Turns out it’s actually pretty tiring to declare war on the world, or so say 14.2% of you. 12.1% think it’s no coincidence his apparently sleepy face was shown right after the intense stare of birb, and 8.8% think that the image hints at a secret puppet master pulling Eren’s strings. We received a lot of comments suggesting Ymir might be the big bad after all - now how is Eren gonna earn that sweet sweet freedom if he’s not willing to bust a few billion skulls, eh?

He left the Attack Titan on auto-mode

i just wish to know that....now that Eren has a long ass neck.....will he come back as a human or....he will be like this forever

Symbolic of the fact that he isn’t really seeing the sight. It’s a fools errand like Eren’s goal.

I think it is symbolic. The 'adult' in him is sleeping while the 'child' in him is taking the reigns.

His consciousness has been transferred to his titan's brain. He's essentially an Attack Titan battery .

He is dreaming, ignorant to the destruction below and seeing the freedom he envisioned as a kid.

his consciousness is in PATHS dimension and he's controlling things from there

How the fuck is he sleeping when the wall titans are executing complex commands, like diving under ships and surrounding the city?

I don't think he is sleeping. He rather looks beaten and devastated and just numb to what he is doing in order to cope.

I figure that bc he's so big, he kind of has to be like this. Normally when he's in his titan with his eyes open, he's being active. I think that although he's set the titans in motion, he's in a more passive role now. He also can't be all that active when he's that huge, right?

I honestly don't know. I can speculate its connection to Ymir's apparition and child Eren's lucid dream?

He's irrevocably fucked thanks to good old Gabi and her rifle.

He's losing his will to live.  Also leaves an opening for Armin to wake him up like he did in Trost.

HE'S THE SLAVE NOW

Maybe he is actively controlling / managing something else at the time? Maybe something crucial we don't know about yet, I don't believe that he is just exhausted.

His adult self is asleep now because his child self is having fun in his perfect world. Eren is mentally weak as adult but his inner child is strong and is reaching everything Eren always wanted - freedom and happiness.

He’s unable to regenerate due to controlling all the colossal titans, or just won’t because he wasn’t in Titan form when his head was blown off, meaning he will eventually die

i feel as if having eren not be in control would be mildly disappointing because the manga has done so much to set up erens decent into madness and how his actions became so extreme, i would be disappointed if all of that went to waste.

I would guess that Eren might be sifting through future memories at the moment. Looking at the "unknown world"/"the scenery" that made him smile wistfully instead of being horrified/the thing "beyond hell" Eren mentioned to Falco.  

His adult self is sleeping now, while his young self is having fun.

I think hes not fully in control (maybe ymir calling the shots)

I'm kinda torn between him operating on base instincts and him being controlled by someone (Ymir?) so I'm gonna go with both as the possibility.

Maybe he really doesn't want this? I think Ymir's the one in control

Ymir is controlling him

He is not the one driving this titan, Ymir is.

Really? You talk about his eyes being closed and not the fact that he has the neck structure of a turkey!?

  THE FINAL PAGE ENDS ON ARMIN’S HOPEFUL WISH FOR THE EXISTENCE OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD HE ENVISIONED AS A CHILD, BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK? 2,101 responses

Despite the darkness this chapter brought to the story, Armin ends on a hopeful note. The top two options were 36.8% thinking there’s a possibility Armin will in fact be able to stop Eren. and 33.7% believe Armin to be too optimistic, and that it won’t pan out the way he wishes.

Armin's recalling of his childhood dream with Eren in the last page made me think there's still a hidden solution to resolve the dilemma.  

This chapter also shown Armin not wanting to give up with reconciling the Eren he wanted to see and the actual Eren. He hears no evil.

Tragic ending, yes, but I don't think Armin's hope is misplaced all the same. I think Eren cannot be stopped without death, but I also don't think the entire world will be destroyed, and I don't think it will end hopelessly.

Either Armin’s gonna save humanity or everybody just dies the end 😹

That one bird that was perched on the ship might be the symbol of peace. But I'm not sure how that peace is going to be achieved if the option's still on the table.

I hope the alliance is able to save Eren from doing this unthinkable sin.

Probably a blossoming hope through Armin breaking Eren from Ymir's plan uwu

I think Armin could join/support Eren

  THIS CHAPTER CONTINUED THE BIRD MOTIF, THIS TIME HAVING A FOCUS ON SCENES ENDING WITH A BIRD STARING DIRECTLY AT A CHARACTER. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?! 2,067 responses

The Spy Birds theory seemed a bit nutty last month, but I don’t trust that seagull one bit. And it looks like many of you agree because that nutty theory has gone mainstream! The majority of respondents (54.1%) think that the birds are under the influence of a higher power, mainly that of Eren (27.4%) or Ymir (26.7%). 26.6% don’t think the birds are suspicious, they’re just free, man. 13% just reckon Isayama has moved on from his love of drawing thicc horses, and birds are the cool new animal. No complaints here. But I still don’t trust that seagull.

The birds are up to something

Animals sense danger coming from nature before humans do.

bird is symbol for freedom, but some bird like crow and raven in some culture are symbol for death.

I think that pigeons are watching me through P A T H S

Black birds symbolize the people's doom , white bird that flew to armin symbolises hope

black birds: death ; seagul: garbage :))) I dunno, the seagul was so random. It means they are approaching the shore?

EREN IS BRAN STARK IN AOT UNIVERSE LET'S GOO

I dont sure its eren or ymir. But i hope there is something about bird. I hope there are a huge plot twist

Might be another Odin parallel if Eren is using them, but I don't really see why he'd bother. I don't think he needs to do recon.

FREEEEEEEDOOOOOM

Last time I thought that the bird theory was a little far-fetched but now I think that's 100% the deal. That seagul is just somehow way too focused on to be just a random animal.

I commented in the previous poll that the birds are surveillance cameras and i’m even more convinced now. And isn’t it poetic that the Wings of Freedom logo is made up of a pair of black and white wings, representing the different interpretations of freedom pursued by Eren and Armin.

This is all just a Genjutsu by Itachi

my personal favorite theory, it’s zeke seeing everything transpire through the power of the beast titan

Pure!Boy Armin gets the seagull because he still has DREAMS and Eren gets crows because he wants to feast on human flesh.

WHAT'S UPP WITH THE BIRDS AAAAAAHHH TELL ME

I don't know but is really cool if you see it as a symbol of hope/freedom. Birds are the only kind who will not going to be tumble over the rumbling.

I think it's about the colors, black is dark, just like the destruction Eren is causing to the world (including Ramzi and Halil) and white is bright, just like the peace that Armin wished for and is aiming to achieve with the alliance

  HOW DID THIS CHAPTER AFFECT YOUR VIEWS ON THE RUMBLING? 2,100 responses

If we thought seeing the reality of the rumbling would be a game changer when it comes to our view of it, we were wrong. Only 5% of people who formerly supported it no longer do. For the rest of us 44% do not support the rumbling and 30% do. Most curiously, 21% claim to have no opinion. More on that below when we mirrored this question about our views on Eren.

I still don't support The Rumbling, I just want it to stop. It doesn't do anything good for anyone, even Eren himself, and this awfully awesome chapter proves it. I totally expect that via P A T H S.FM Armin and Mikasa could stop him (and save him, physical or psychologically, idk) . It's the only plausible way.

I think the rumbling is justified but I don’t think the civilians who had nothing against Erin don’t deserve to die.

I don’t think there is any other solution, and that’s the point… His outburst at Hange tells me that he was desperate for something. This is coming from Eren who can essentially see everything and inherited multiple people’s memories. If he couldn’t come up with it, I don’t think anyone else can (aside from Armin? But I’m not holding my breath). The 50-year plan was a delusional fantasy at best, technology would evolve rapidly and nullify any threat the Rumbling poses.

I was still kind of hoping Eren had something up his sleeve that wasn't mass slaughter, but I guess we're going there

I believe the full rumbling is a morally grey decision, but I’ll concede and say it’s on the darker end of the spectrum. ultimately eren will have to answer for what he’s done, necessary or not killing millions of innocent people is a horrible thing to do.

The world was never peaceful, and never will be. The Rumbling was inevitable, nothing could stop that.

  ON A SCALE FROM “IT’S JUST A FLESH WOUND” TO “HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWFUL”, HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE PORTRAYAL OF THE RUMBLING?   2,110 responses

This probably didn’t need to be asked but we did it anyway. For the vast majority of us, the portrayal of the rumbling was overwhelming in terms of sheer horror. “It’s awful! I love it!” seems to be a common reaction.

Whelp... we wanted to see the rumbling. I guess be careful what we wish for.

I am once again reminded how gory SnK can be.

No holds barred. This is the sad, traumatic truth that we asked for.

RIP in pieces Clown-kun

At this point, it makes me sick to read pro-rumbling posts. Normally, when you like a villain or a morally grey character (Eren went past this point long ago) you enjoy seeing how their mentality works. And this is fully respectable, but not the "uuuh my baby did nothing wrong". If we did the same with our kings Floch and Zeke, it would be crazy, wouldn't it?

I’m glad the Rumbiling was shown in its full glory. It didn’t hide anything about the situation and was very gory. I’m glad we were shown what happened to the people during it, and not just after.

I can't feel engaged in the rumbling when it has been the default scenario since the sea, but more specifically 123. The boy had a death flag the size of Marley and now he's dead. Thanks for the shock, Yams. I'm interested in the potential of everything else. I hope I didn't follow this story for the final conflict to be whether to save more people or less people

It was great to see the Rumbling in its full gore. Isayama showed it masterfully and rly put emphasis on how terrifying and disturbing it is. I was never anti or pro of it before, bc I'm just enjoying the view as the reader, that didn't change, and I still like Eren bc he is a very entertaining character.

I loved seeing how awful everything was. Ofc in real life I wouldn't support it, but narratively? Wow!

  WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING BEST DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THE RUMBLING? (MULTISELECT) 2,109 responses

This chapter didn’t hold back in its brutal display of the rumbling, and it may be difficult to find the words to describe it, so we gave you twelve. A clear majority are able to agree on it being both tragic and terrifying, closely followed by those who would describe it as unavoidable, distressing or immoral. The choices in the minority included describing the rumbling as awesome, justified or heroic. Fun fact, over a third of the people who chose “heroic” also described it as some combination of “excessive”, “immoral” and “indefensible”. Talk about mixed feelings.

  HOW DID THIS CHAPTER AFFECT YOUR VIEWS ON EREN? 2,093 responses

If we thought seeing the horrors of the rumbling would be a game changer when it comes to our view of the person who unleashed it, we were wrong. This chapter did nothing to change the minds of the 40% who support Eren and the 30% who do not. Only a minority (8.3%) said this chapter made their support for Eren wane.

We were most curious about the 20% who selected “I have no opinion.” When we’ve waited so eagerly for Eren’s POV, how could a quarter of the fandom be neutral on how it affected them? Was this a failure on Isayama’s part or were our poll options poorly worded? We decided that rather than having no opinion,  “I don’t know what to think yet” might have been the better cop out...err I mean *neutral* option :P

I was one of those that was convinced that there had to be something more to the Rumbling, and this chapter shocked me to my core by revealing that there really isn't. Eren is just that disturbed. We wanted Eren POV but we weren't ready for it. Now I just want to see how Armin and Mikasa end this.

i love eren so much nothing can make me hate him but he is insane... all this and for what. THEY COULDNT HAVE TALKED IT OUT??? i feel so bad for eren he clearly does not want to kill all those people man...

We finally have Eren's pov now; I still don't know how to feel about it, but I'll always support him.

Eren is a character who really disgusts me because of his fucked up delusion of fReEdoM but I love him at the same time because he's really well written, this boy is a fascinating mess.

This chapter seems to have made things pretty straightforward. Eren is a lot of things but he’s not one to go back on his word. He said he was gonna rumble and now he’s doing it.  Not sure why people are having a hard issue saying he wouldn’t have done it. Uhhhh hello he’s nuts

i get eren's side but i just wish that there was another way to bring freedom and justice without genocide

I support eren as a character, however if his actions were translated to real life I would disagree with them. At the end of the day, genocide is not ok. He could’ve wiped out military bases, but civilian deaths is not ok. HOWEVER, for the sake of fiction, & the fact that there’s no decent alternative, it’s team Yeager.

Deep down his choice is selfish and this is why he is ashamed of it, the rest are just justifications. And he is not the only character who has selfish objectives hidden over good intentions, Erwin fought for humanity, but deep down he wanted to prove his father right, and Reiner on his quest to "Save Humanity" was just a mask to become a hero.

Really I want to see Eren fufill his dream, I’m still supporting him.

Ymir might have a role to play in his mental state.

Not to support the rumbling or anything, but I do feel sorry for Eren. He's like a cornered animal that attacked in panic and that attack's freaking deadly.

Even though the rumbling is tragic, this is Eren truly getting his way, no matter what. It's a rare thing to see in any literary work, and although I'm curious as to what the downfall/tragedy of his character will end up being after this, I love it all because for what feels like the first time, a character with bad intent is using the god power to accomplish their goal, and I can't get enough of it.

  WHAT BEST DESCRIBES YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT EREN THIS CHAPTER 2,111 responses

Empathy for Eren is the theme for nearly 70% of the fandom with “I feel for him. He’s in a tough position” (43.7%) and “my heart aches for him” (22.1%) being the top two selections. On the opposite and more extreme ends of the spectrum, those who think he’s the greatest (15.1%) and those who think he’s the worst (14.9%) are nearly evenly matched. Interestingly only 4.2% expressed “I have no opinion” on this question compared to more than 20% on the question above.

Eren is my favorite character but I also don't support his actions.

I was disstressed for a few days after it.  How did it go to this? I kept reading this far just because I wanted Eren to be happy and have his happy ending, and what do we have now?..

I feel bad for eren, he's in a position no one would want to be, and he hates what hes doing no matter how much he needs to

This chapter could possibly stablish once and for all Eren as a unchangable character since he has reached a point of no return.

Eren is GOAT, the rumbling is wrong but I still love eren

This entire chapter just reaffirms the fact that Eren has always been a self absorbed, self-pitying child from the very beginning

I don't get how people can still support Eren just because he cried a little.

To think that all the shit that has happened since RTS (Sasha killed, Liberio attacked, Tybur murdered, Zackley assassinated, Nile and Pixis titanised, Levi forced to decimate his own titanised squad and then nearly dying, Jaegerist coup, Shadis beat up, Historia pregnant AND ANYTHING ELSE I'VE FORGOTTEN) is all because of some long, convoluted plan for one single boy's childish, problematically simplistic, black-and-white dream for "Freedom" is. I can't. I'm tired. Eren's pov is so outrageously outlandish that I can't relate. At all.

I cant feel bad for Eren, he is the only person responsible on his guilt and sadness. Also genocide is the worst option and even Eren says it.

He was sheltered his whole life; he has no proper context or framework for concepts like racism and war between humans. He “optimistically” thought his fight was that of human vs titan. That's why I don't blame him for coming to the Rumbling conclusion after the basement reveal. I give him a lot of credit for empathizing with "the other side" and I do believe Eren tried his best to come up with alternative solutions.

I feel for Eren, he was sold the idea of a perfect, peaceful, untouched world, ripe for discovery, filled with the beauty and awe of nature, but in reality it was full of cruel xenophobia people who hated his very existance. I don't support the rumbling but i understand why Eren did it.

Eren is obsessed with his perfect vision of "Freedom" where there are no limits to his will, but sadly for him, he lives on a reality where others exist and as long he has to interact with them, there are going to be limitations he is going to be bound. So even if he kills everyone outside the island, there is going to be another "wall" he needs to overcome.  

Seeing Eren cry and hear his doubts actually made me just more angry with him: "If you are so sad about the fate of the outside world then fucking change the future, don't just give up!!!!!!!" He seems to be very clung in the idea that the future is set and there is nothing he can do to change it.

Okay but look at Eren's centipedal Hell's creation's TINY BUTT. It's so funny seeing that little boney ass on this gigantic thing

  EREN SEEMS TO HAVE MANY MOTIVATIONS. HOW WOULD YOU RANK THEM?

This one was interesting. With this chapter’s iconic imagery of kid Eren spreading his arms declaring “this is freedom”, it’s unsurprising that most of us agree with that as a very important motivation for him. His friends were also chosen as a very important motivation, though not as much as his love for freedom. Historia and her child just edged out the motivation of the people of Paradis, though interestingly it has less “somewhat important” votes and more “not important at all votes”, making it clearly divisive even if it has more “very important” votes.. But the motivation with an even more divisive perception is revenge, with nearly an even split between those who view it as very, somewhat and not important at all.  

Everything Eren is doing is for the sake of his friends and Historia, there was no other choice to protect the island.

I think that the only thing what matters to Eren is freedom and reaching the perfect world he saw in his dreams after reading Armin's book. The dream of his inner child is playing the most important role in his life. Eren is ready to sacrifice his friends, his mentors and people on Paradis - just to see the special scenery and finally feel FREE.

Feel sad to see eren need to do all of this, but i know its for his friend and paradis

I hope that Eren doesn’t harm the alliance

  REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU FEEL POSITIVELY OR NEGATIVELY ABOUT EREN, DO YOU THINK HE IS BEING PORTRAYED AS A VILLAIN AT THIS POINT IN THE STORY? 2,098 responses

It’s truly a testament to Isayama’s strength as a writer when a character’s deliberate annihilation of billions is met with a majority response of “there are no villains or heroes here.” 57.1% think that as tragic as the situation now may be, nobody in this manga really qualifies as villainous. Or at least, not when our feisty protagonist is involved. 33.7% think the manga is a tale of a hopeful boy slowly turning to the dark side. 5.6% see this all as part of a hero’s tumultuous journey. Finally, 3.5% think it’s unfair to cast Eren as a villain since he’s not the one in control. Gotta say, if Eren is not the one destroying the world he really shouldn’t have said he was going to destroy the world.

This chapter just proves that Eren ISN'T a complete villain. I disagree with the rumbling, but what Eren's going through is something that I empathize with.This chapter just made it easier for me to keep rooting for everyone, even though a completely happy ending is not an option anymore.

I really hope Eren's in for a change of heart soon. I hate the idea of him being the final villain. He's definitely redeemable. Even he is eligible to have a dark foil and rival. Maybe we'll get that later on in Zeke who I feel is also redeemable.

More and more of the story is unveiled, I really like how this is going. Ever since knowing the outside world I have decided that Eren is no longer a hero but then he is not a villain either so does everyone in the story. I like Eren a lot but I'd say that I just like to observe, to see, never to support or to oppose. So this chapter is really amazing to me as I managed to see more about Eren.

eren is a villian whether you like it or not

I feel Walter white Vibe from Eren.

Eren is evil period!!!! There is no justification for mass murder. If he wants to savr his ppl then just wipe out the army, navy, air force, warriors and the leaders period not everyone including INNOCENT ppl....

EREN IS GOAT. He is portrayed as a hero who makes tough choices that no other shitty shonen character even can do.

Eren needs to stop the rumbling. It maybe justified his needs but the people outside the walls didn't deserved it. They're both each other's enemies. He used to say people outside the walls are monsters but he became one himself. He desired freedom but in the end he was a slave to his own desire.

Isayama could chose to make him some what of a villainous character, or he could chose to set it up as if eren is more of an anti hero doing then wrong things for the right reasons

  DESCRIBE THE CHAPTER IN ONE WORD 1,543 responses

No superlatives to describe how great or awesome this chapter was this month. The Rumbling hurt us all (well done, Yams, mission accomplished). That being said, it looks like we’re all masochists, considering this chapter is in the top 5 highest rated chapters since chapter 91.

Tragic [169; 4.69]

Sad [89; 4.73]

Pain [77; 4.86]

Depressing [69; 4.75]

Heartbreaking [48; 4.77]

  WHAT ARE YOU MOST HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 2,089 responses

With what we want next chapter we find it especially surprising that the majority are ready to give Eren’s perspective a break. Since google sometimes fails us in displaying the data, we’ll just list it all out. Of the options we provided, our wishes for next chapter from most to least popular are: Let’s keep it with the Eren POV (23.4%), The alliance reaching Odiha (22.4%), WHERE TF IS LEVI??? (10.6%), I could go for a few more mental breakdowns (10.1%), More Ymir being mysterious (7.9%), WHERE TF IS LEVI??? (10.6%), SAVE US ZEKE (8.9%), Oh god go back to Historia please (8.5%), Finality for Floch (6%) and More birbs ovo (2.2%)

Yo where tf is Rico

I want to see levi

fuck yeah more mental break down, I'm ready to be depressed

I really want to see more of Armin and kid Eren in Paths next chapter. That one panel was super interesting and I would love to go back to it.

hurt me more isayama

Please yams I want to see Flochad kill Hange, that’s all I ask for.

Zeke returns next chapter pleaseeeee

HOPE WE GET TO SEE HOW THE ISLAND IS DOING NEXT CHAPTER

It's getting to the final and I don't like that

as only 3-4 chapters are left, I dont think we are going to get another eren POV, I am still dying to see the conditions of the other main characters, whereas zeke and floch are unfinished mysteries.

someone from alliance is dying soon

I've gotta see more Historia. What is she doing and thinking right now? What is her role moving forward?

Just shut up with historia in this survey. She's irrelevant. Now I hate answering your polls.Never again!

i literally don't know what to expect next chapter like yams is just THAT good

  WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 2,025 responses

The platforms where we discuss the series remain relatively unchanged with Reddit providing the plurality of responses. Thank you Reddit! We appreciate it. That said, we’d love to see this chart balance out a little more so please feel free to share the poll wherever you discuss the series. That includes the 5 of you degenerates on Snapchat.

  ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER? 553 responses

Uhhh *disappears*

ZEKE-KUN PLEASE BE A GOOD ONII-CHAN AND SAVE THE WORLD FROM YOUR TROUBLED LITTLE OTOTO

listen, birds are pretty cool ok

Beautifully tragic, exactly what I wanted to see from Eren after being shown in a villainous light for 30+ chapters. Being introduced to a new character, in particular an innocent child and then finally revealing his name and story was a perfect way to show the true horrors of an indiscriminate near-omnicide, it definitely brought tears to my eyes.

(😢) SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JAEGER (😢)

As expected of Isayama-sensei, it's exactly right.

Annie being revealed as aromantic is the unexpected happy development in this tragedy.

Kiddos, the "it's just fiction" argument refers to the fact that you are allowed to *enjoy* watching fucked up things in fiction because people, in general, can distinguish between fiction and reality. It does not mean writing essays to *justify* said fucked-up things that happen in fiction, because you almost certainly start bringing your own real-life logic to fictional events. Aka, mixing up reality and fiction. Showing your true colors. Allowing your beliefs to slip into discussion. Whatever you call that.

THE BIRDS HAVE PATHS, I CALLED IT LAST CHAPTER!

Annie has always had a hard time expressing her feelings and that she has had complexes for a long time. I'm glad Armin was able to tell her what he was thinking because it will give Annie more confidence. Plus, Annie has always been introverted and I love that Isayama tells us more about her character.

The ravens are a reference to Odin’s, a mythology character. He has two ravens, they symbolise memory and mind/thought.

What a manga.

what eren did is right you can come up with any other solution

What in the everliving fuck is going on? Can we go back to factory reset and knock some sense into Eren before he starts having wild ideas like this one? Please

BEST SHIP FINALLY HAPPENING PROPERLY AHHHHH MY BOY ARMIN IS FINALLY TALKING ABOUT HIS FEELINGS EVEN IF IT'S SUBTLE

If Eren is the bird he really is Armins WINGman.

I KNEW ARMIN LIKED ANNIE! But seeing Annie blush was a nice surprise. I thought she was the ice queen in terms of romance.

This poll is bias toward historia. I wish if y’all stop the shipping b.s

birds are supposed to symbolize freedom in most cultures, innit?

This chapter was so important to me. It showed the reality of the rumbling, and that scenery, and most importantly, Eren's true feelings on the genocide, including his now split younger self. He feels guilty about it, he knows it's bad yet he has to do it because he has no other option if he wants Paradis and everyone he loves to survive. During my life I have had a lot of instances where I had to sacrifice a lot  in order to survive, including disociating and splitting my personality in two, crushing my own feelings to do what had to be done, so characters like Eren are very relatable in that sense to me. In a kill-or-be-killed situation, there is no place nor time for doubts nor mercy and you have to do what you have to do.

Very interesting, trágico and raw, but also  liked the comparison between different concepts of the world and freedom between Armin and Eren. Also loved all the AruAni moments, they were not only adorable but also helped those two characters talk about things they needed to open up about since a long time ago lol.

I want to get off Mr. Isayama's Wild Ride

Am I the only one who can't take the alliance seriously?

Wasn't really feeling the AruAni moment, but other than that top tier chapter can't wait for more.

Armin possibly realizes Eren isn't in the right state of mind. If Eren is projecting himself as a child, then Armin might be able to come up with a plan to stop what he is doing.

Fantastic, worth the wait.

Fav chapter yet. Fall of Wall Maria got overthrown as the most depressing event in the series for me.

Favourite line in AOT :"SIT DOWN"

I don't want it to end, but I am very happy about the direction the manga is going.

I felt for eren

This chapter was legendary, it hit all the right notes for finally giving Eren's POV. The shot of child Eren above the clouds will go down as one of the best panels ever... also Eren's line about "disappointment"... fantastic it gave me chills.

I find ‘the cycle of revenge’ storyline tiring. I’ve seen it so many times before and there isn’t anything new being covered here. I just feel tired and sad honestly. My last (and probably unfulfilled) hope for the series would be for Levi to make it through this, work things out with Zeke without violence and be able to move on in his life. He could help the survivors of the rumbling and reestablish civilization, maybe open his tea shop, see the world, maybe fall in love. I don’t really care. I just want to see my boy alive and doing okay for himself. A ridiculous thought for this series, I know. With 3-4 chapters left I feel we will most likely just be left in a misery marinara. I’m soaking in it right now.

I have too many thoughts on this chapter, I wouldn't know where to begin

i wanted him to save ramzi, but i didnt at the same time?? i was glad he didnt spare him, but im sad he didnt?? i dont know why

I just want everything to end already

i just want the best ending for all characters, esp Eren.

I like how Isayama is pushing the cognitive dissonance that i have of what side i should choose.....he is really fuckin with me at this point. All the thinking has now made me kinda numb

I like Isayama drawing birds and see the art improvement through the chapters :D I announce August is the Eek Appreciation Month dedicated to the Wings of Freedom! EEEEEEEEEEEK

I like that it pretty much ended the discussion of Eren having other plans. He's been totally honest the entire time. If he had other plans, why'd he put his friend in danger by having them fight against him?

for real had to pause for a bit at many points in this chapter lmao

Maybe this is why he never talked to his friends- he didn't care about discussing what's right for them, he just wanted his FrEeDoM and would walk over children to get it.

Glad to see Armin and Annie being cute, they deserve a few moments of happiness.

Glad to see Eren’s thoughts and feelings about the rumbling. There are a lot of loose ends that I was hoping to have some answers for in this chapter but it didn’t happen in this chapter, which just made me more intrigued.

Glad to see that Eren's uncaring exterior was finally dispelled this chapter

God I can't see this ending good and I just really want this to be over soon. Never rooted as much for an MC to die as now.

Which of the following best describe how you feel about the rumbling?  Pointless, it won't achieve anything.

while i find aruani cute i still find it weird since she literally was crying the previous chapter. i was disappointed that we didn't get to see all the alliance

Why tf is Ymir in the realworld!?

WHENS MAHVEL

SS ARUANI GONNA RUMBLE THE SHIP HARDER THEN EREN RUMBLED THOSE POOR CHILDREN, TAKE THAT NONBELIEVERS no really, this was built up from s1, and they have wonderfully complementing personalities. Sad that half the fandom gets triggered from any het ship (and vice versa)

Crack theory: Eren has two personalities which is why he acts in contradictory ways. The "evil" nature is in kid Eren and the "good" nature is in the bird. There is no consciousness in his actual body anymore.

Genocide route best route

Way better than the last chapter. 130 was just good art and shipping bait which felt like it was forced for the sake of the end of a volume. This chapter was amazing and balanced its multiple purposes effortlessly, as opposed to the clunky nature of the previous chapters. Probably the best chapter since Ymir's backstory. I love how Armin tied into it, we haven't seen he and Eren's shared dream brought up for a while, as it had faded into background despite being such a driving force for both characters before the timeskip.

I was sure that the dichotomy between Eren's motivations was clearly between his friends/the people he wants freedom for, and his own quest to soothe the anger he has in his heart. Essentially is he doing this for love or hate. Yet we get a third motivation introduced this chapter, of him achieving his child self's dream of freedom in a wall-less world, and what do you know it's tied into "that scenery/that sight", Isayama you genius. What does this mean about those other motivations, though? Is everything false and it's just what Eren is telling himself? What's the lie? What's the truth? What to believe…

It might just be because Eren subconsciously called to Armin. So if more memories surface, more characters can talk with him potentially.

Time loop theory!

Timey Wimey P A T H S shenanigans.

Even if I'm not surprised, it's disappointing to see how Eren is the worst Jaeger after all. He used to make bad decisions trying to help "humanity", but now he just thinks he's right, when not even half of Paradis agrees with his ideas.

I hate Eren from the bottom of my heart. He's disgusting, a total piece of shit. And I love Isayama for giving me all these feelings. He's the real GOAT here.

Really made me wish Isayama hadn't gone for the ~mystery~ of Eren becoming the villain and had instead at least given us the flashbacks in chronological order. The way this long-awaited PoV reveal has been done has felt so clunky and awkward.

I honestly don't understand those who used to support the Rumbling but no longer do after this chapter; maybe they are the same kind of people that romanticized Omnicide and kept defending it as the  "morally correct thing to do"  and that they "would most certainly do it"  if they were in Eren's shoes... Until the reality hit them and all of their posturing like a bag of bricks - i.e. the typical edgy keyboard warrior.

As a pro-Rumbling fan, I always knew this was the expected outcome; if anything this chapter was everything I hoped that Isayama would show to us because it once and for all disproved the idea that Eren has a plan beyond the Rumbling. A Lelouch ending (which I hope doesn't happen) can still be pulled, but its not something that Eren is actively working torwards, but the end result if the alliance somehow stops him.

rumbling go brrrrrrrr

Zeke is controlling the bird with his beast Titan ability that he learnt from the paths realm

"what will my mother think of me?" Ashamed of you, eren, duh.

I really can't feel sorry for eren when this is ultimately the choice he made. There were always other choices up until the point where he killed many world leaders in his attack on Marley.

A bit sappy but understandable. From a egoist point of view Eren is justified in his actions, but of course this just reaffirms the Eldians "monstrous" nature to them. The Eldians dont have a realistic out unless the titans are truly gone forever if Eren loses. Curious about the birds.

A freckled girl appeared. That's progress.

BRUTAL.

Also what about the Eldians living outside of Paradis Island? IMO they are the ones suffering the most

Can he even be stopped?

Can people stop saying that because you enjoy the direction of the story that you’re a genocide supporter? I like shooter games too but I’m obviously not going to go kill anyone, everyone needs to chill out with the moral policing, you sound like the Tipper Gore crowd. Is the rumbling justified? No, but it’s a great direction for the story and it was inevitable once it was established what was in the walls. Chekhov’s gun had to go off sometime, I’m actually surprised how many people seem to be agonizing over this.

Can't put it into words how amazing AOT has become and is just stepping over each level taking one step at a time !!!

Can't wait till next one

Changed the opinion of many people on eren's genocide

Chapter confirmed Eren is NOT the father

Cruel just like the world

This chapter re-assured me that that first scene of Mikasa is the moment she says goodbye to a dying Eren.

Damn bro it’s great

Dang. When this is animated, I guarantee a lot of youtubers and just the anime fandom in general will think this is the best series of all time.

Eren is one of the best MCs of all time.

Eren is one of the most tragic characters on manga

Eren is the best protagonist

Eren is the GOAT but is also wrong and needs to die real soon

EREN IS THE GOATTTT. AOT IS THE GOATTTT. ISAYAMA IS THE GOATTTT.

Eren is truly the best developed main character from any shonen series, this chapter made my mind.

Eren loses it, again

great job Isayama. well done you madman

Great painfull chapter, Eren having a breakdown Made me so sad and depressed,  I wish him to achieve freedom

Greatest manga of all time

greatest piece of fiction of our generation

Hange is right, this is not an acceptable solution

I cried while reading it no joke

I don't even know what to say about Eren. Sure, this chapter is showing his guilt, but that definitely does NOT justify his actions. EXPLAIN YOURSELVES, YEAGERISTS, EREN STANS!!!!!! (sorry I'm just angry about him)

I still think there needs to be a twist, because for me the character development still doesn't work. Eren and Historia have both forgotten common sense and do awful stupid things for stupid, hollow (plot) reasons, and the 104th this entire arc have both become somewhat useless and self-righteous at the convenience of the author. I don't care if the whole arc happened this way just because clearly Isayama wants to have the rumbling as the last arc, but if this was his objective he should have been more focused on character consistency and less on the mystery of it all. It still all feels less like the choices of actual characters than plot convenience, and it gives me the same sensation of the Serumbowl, which I thought was the nadir of the series.

If truly there's won't be some last minute twist it's just bad character writing in service of a plot decided in advance. Same with Historia and the 104th. Who cares about character consistence? Not Isayama, apparently

For some reason Eren wants Armin to the what his is doing.

Honestly, of all the characters Armin is the last I'd want succeding in stopping Eren. Let Mikasa have the spotlight, damn it.

Beautiful pain

Beautifully drawn but very gory

a person can gladly become a devil or a god if he has to, for justice.

A truly sad and terrifying chapter. I never understood how anyone could support this. Don't get me wrong. I understand plotwise why it had to happen. I knew Isayama would show us this. This part was unavoidable for the story he's trying to tell. Doesn't mean I have ever supported it, or that I ever will. But hey at least Aruannie is cannon, so that's a silver linning to this absolutely horrible chapter.

PS. I never wanted to punch a fictional character in the face as much as I want to punch Eren's. Alas, he's not real and I will never get the satisfaction of doing that.

Adding onto child eren's freedom panel, i believe it represents the idea of freedom he had wished for before he was betrayed by the world itself.

All hail the mad king

All that suffering, for what. You won but at what cost

IT MAKES MY HEAD SPIN AND THE FORSHADOWING BUILD UP TO THIS CHAPTER IS JUST *chefs kiss*

It really shows that Attack On Titan isn’t an ordinary story. It is a storyline filled with emotions, tragedies and somehow the cruel reality that this world possesses.

It shifted through a lot of POVs, it was pretty good.

It showed the rumbling and Eren in much more impartial way.

It was crazy to finally see in Eren's Head but all it did was confirm the things I was thinking for awhile and put me more on his side.At this point I'm ride or Die Eren Yaeger just so I can see how this all ends.

It was good, but I wish we would've gotten more with the rest of the crew going to Marley.

Listen, I really love Eren, I have deeply felt for him. I still do, I relate too much with his own traumas but since the timeskip. I have distanced myself from him and I don't and have never supported on his stance for genocide because he set this up with Zeke and pushed Marley to go into war while they didn't want it in the first place. However I have too much of a strong emotional connection to him so I understand him and I admit, it made me doubt a little bit on some of my stances. Since Eren is so different from who he was back before the timeskip, I have always assumed and the manga has not proved me wrong, that he's being influenced by something or someone which is feeling on his traumas, anger, depression and dissapointments. So I am still extremely optimistic about him.

Jesus Fucking Christ

its funny how the dream dies with reality

Its great to finally get some of Erens thoughts but it’s just made me think he’s not acc the one in control

My tears create a whole new ocean.

no opinion really, chapter felt kinda flat and repetitive in parts

Alliance supporters learning that Eren is suffering with all this shit and isn't trash and pitiful like their hypocrite babies who were genociding their own people in the last 32 volumes.

Amazing. The way Eren developed from this angsty little child to someone who's willing to kill everyone to achieve his childhood dream and save his pals is truly wonderful.

Rumbling go wee

I found it tragically ironic that Eren just has a passing thought of what his mom would think of his actions, and it reminds me of how he wouldn’t listen to her when he was younger. Do you think this is a subtle indication that Eren hasn’t matured from the thought processes of a selfish boy, or does he truly hold weight and more consideration to what his mother (and other people) would think? Personally, I think he is more aware of outside views, but just refuses to accept that reality because he is so stuck on his own desires.

It's one of the pivotal scenes because atleast I know that within Eren he still at somepoint have consicience and shows that at somepoint he can be stopped.

Rumbling goes rumble

Eremin <3

Yams makes me confused! I dunno!

Collosal Titans go brr

CONFUSING IN WAY TOO MANY PARTS!!! where to start or stop... from ymir to bird to child eren is all confusing af but nice :)

Depression and depression

Did we really need to spend that many pages on that AruAni BS? So much for fucking 5% being left.

Dis gon be good

Let's get the final confrontation underway!

Welp, there is absolutely no defying it: Eren is the big bad and there is no secret plan to make it up.

Let’s get ready to RUUUUUUUUMBLE!

LETS FUCKING GOOO

Levi and Hange convo when? Armin and Annie end of the world sex when? Jean confessing to Mikasa when? Floch suprise killing Connie or Jean when? Floch getting thrown over board to die at sea rather than being shot when?

LOLZ at anyone still defending the rumbling after this chapter portraying it as something heroic or justifiable

Make me feel. Make me feel more.

Man, this is rough.

Overall well rounded chapter. Time to get back to alliance and Historia after this though.

Poor Eren. But I kind of understand.

Ppl who are calling Eren GOAT or saying they were only sad in this chapter bc Eren cried are legit psychopaths.

Seeing Eren’s POV and reasoning behind pursuing the rumbling makes me feel for him. We know he cares about his friends, paradis, etc. I am at a loss of words for this chapter. However I will say this, Armin in paths with Eren is not a coincidence. I think isayama is foreshadowing of a conversation THEY’VE ALREADY HAD, and what’s to come..

Isayama is being stingy about letting his characters talk to each other properly. I mean really how many scenes do we have left on this boat while the rumbling goes on? When there’s still so much to be said. Wasted chapter imo, a lot more could’ve been said and done.

E+H=Y

Eren confirmed that he will kill everyone. The rumbling cannot be stopped.

Even though we have gotten some insight on Eren's pov, it has created more questions than answers. His motives are still very confusing and we are still being kept in the dark

Every chapter update makes me sad :( the story has gotten so tragic and i love it but oof. I didnt think it could get sadder but Isayama proves me wrong every month

Every new released chapter is better than the last one. I love these series. Props to mr. Hajime Isayama 💪🏆

Exactly what we needed, have more faith now.

Exceeded my expectations. The last two chapters were mindblowing after a slow mini Arc at the port. Isayama can really pull ar your heartstrings with flashbacks and Eren's pov.

Thanks Isayama for the microscopic eremin crumbs

that kid eren scene though... easily the best scene the series so far

That was damn perfect

That was f***ing amazing and awful at the same time. I want this series to end, but actually no. Keep going Isayama. You crazy motherf***er.

the "beyond the walls" talk between armin and eren is being brought up again and im emotional now thx

The ending's gonna disappoint people, no matter how well/badly it's executed. Chapter was cool, but overhyped imo

The pacing seems slow, but then again, it was recently nodded to that the manga won't end at Chapter 134 or 135 but 136. And Isayama does have everything planned out for a long time. I don't think he'll disappoint.

the significance of many things in the story are too epic, carla and mikasa look alike, grisha and eren look alike, historia and dina even look alike, the repeating actions, along with the intricate history formed, give us a lot to speculate but nothing to confirm.

I am somewhat sad for eren, to see the point that he has reached by having that freedom that he longed for so much but that I hardly think exists is sad, I don't know how the hell this is going to end but hey I don't know

I can't even begin to imagine how this is going to look in the anime. Definitely not for the faint of heart.

I can't imagine how the manga will end in a few chapters

I can't wait for 132.

I can’t believe this

I can’t wait to see this chapter voice acted, holy shit.

I loved the context that Eren's apology provides, really gives some much needed insight on his thoughts about the future during the timeskip

I need him to talk to mikasa and armin!

On this poll, I noticed that there's nothing about Mikasa haha. I want her to have a moment for the next chapter, or appear on Eren's memories. We know she's gonna be playing a big role for this arc.

I like where the story is going and I can’t wait for the anime so I can show AOT to everyone.

I think Eren is going somewhere. If he wanted to rumble the world, he can control the titans even from the safety of Paradis. I think he is going to that tree under which Ymir fell.

I think it focuses on Eren a bit too much. Maybe show us some Levi? Thank you.

i think reiner is gay

I am currently not taking a side. Not with Eren or with the Yeagerists or with our heroes. I'm just here to see how it all goes down and how Isayama wants to play it out. I've been enjoying every single chapter and being so moved it's insane. F the ship wars and the bs, this story is much more than that. And tragedy is written all over it. Ok brb getting my tissues prepared for next chapter.... 👍

I don't know how many more issues we're going to have but I worry that the story is going to come to a screeching halt and leave too many questions unanswered. Isayama has got so many plates spinning, narratively speaking, I have no idea how he is going to finish them or if he'll finish them at all.

Just a series of gut-punches one after the other after every panel, oof this chapter affected me more than any other. It also made me wonder about how the planet in general would be affected.  Like how would ecosystems change?  Will Eren only go after the civilized countries and then stop?  Or will he not let a single person survive outside the island and just actually steamroll the whole planet?  If he does, wouldn't that change climates and stuff?  What's about the animals and plants? Am I thinking too much about this? How will the drastic changes affect the Paradisians? All this assuming the alliance doesn't manage to stop him (which is likely)

although initially him and reiner seemed to pursue the same path, eren initial motive was to wipe them all and he said it multiple times, I don't believe he has guilt nor remorse because "it was all set from the very start"

We also got a seamless reintegration of the theme of what it means to be a "good person", something both Armin and Annie have grappled with as far back as Female Titan arc, and it's great to see it re-emerge in the context of the rumbling. Annie is an underrated character. Isayama could have had her come back with some bullshit royal blood or daughter-of-Kruger twist, but instead he decides to integrate her into the conflict as her own person and make her a more interesting character than Reiner (sorry Soul).

Eren is allowed to have emotions, he should be able to feel terrible about himself for having to wipe out most of humanity. But he also believes that this is the only way. He begged Hange if there was another way, he WANTED an option that didn't end with the world being rumbled. When Hange had no ideas, and no else had a plan that would keep Paradis safe, he felt like he had to move forward, towards freedom.

Eren is neither right or wrong in his decision. Killing innocents, destroying entire ecosystems and ending human civilization is morally bankrupt. In many ways his plan is short sighted, but when I say this, my stance comes from a logical standpoint rather than a moral one(the political instability of the island, the precedent it sets, the danger he put his friends in). The *most* moral thing to do was a partial rumbling(there are still some issues both logistical and moral) and while 2 wrongs don’t make a right, I hold Marley and many other nations equally at fault for not being willing to end this diplomatically. Their scorched earth policy brought this on. It’s unfortunate that their citizens are paying the price for their governments crimes. But you can’t threaten to wipe out an entire civilization with no negotiation and not expect a desperate response like a full rumbling. This doesn’t absolve eren of responsibility of his actions, but the rumbling is an extremely unfortunate even that was 100% avoidable if diplomacy had been an option.

Eren, no! That’s all I can say at this point! Armin please, I’m begging you, stop your mans.

Eren, what the fuck?

Eren's self pity doesn't change the fact that he's killing millions of innocents and he's not going to stop despite it.

Eren’s guilt over his actions doesn’t mean a thing considering he’s still doing it. The fact that he saw the future and did nothing to stop it (and actively made it happen) makes him even worse. I don’t feel sorry for him in the slightest.

Even though Eren has the skeletal structure as an (I don't even know.. turkey/bird.. eh...) people are still going to simp the shit out of him on twitter, like jfc-

Eren wanted to destroy all life outside paradis not because he wanted outside world to be just a wonderland of blazing fire , grasslands etc. but because the people outside are making it impossible enough for him to realise his dream of total freedom

I would like to add that AruAni scene was, in my opinion, really important for both armin and Annie character development, since they're having a romance scene with the theoretically enemy (armin is from paradis and Annie is from Marley). I think this represent well that people from Marley and people from Eldia can live together, without violence. (I wish I could write more, but English is not my first language)

I'm glad we're finally getting things more thoroughly from Eren's perspective. Up until now, his motivations and thoughts have mostly been discussed by other characters, but we finally get to hear from him directly. This chapter mostly confirmed what I suspected, that Eren isn't heartless, but he was also a tragic character that was perfectly aware of the destruction he was about to bring upon so many people. Overall really good, can't wait for the next chapter, whatever it may be.

I'm happy that Isayama made clear what an egoist and violent nature  Eren always had, since he was a child: he's not an hero, not an avenger and surely not the "chad goat" some teen edgelords think.

I'm literally shaking so hard rn

The wall titans were always an obvious metaphor for "what if Japan had WMDs", but in this chapter this is made even more obvious when there is nothing left from migrant children but two dark kid-shaped splatters on the ground, which is a pretty clear visual reference to citizens of Hiroshima leaving nothing but scorched silhouettes behind when the atomic bombing happened.

Ironically, there was a popular twitter thread this week about the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and despite not being very familiar with the topic itself, I was somewhat amused to find the arguments in the comments to be very familiar. It's payback, it's to prevent future war, it was justified because of Japanese government's war crimes, Japanese citizens were indoctrinated and racist and would NEVER give up fighting foreigners so bombings were a mercy, it's collateral damage, etc etc.

The warriors deserve much better than being used as props.

There's 99% chance this series is getting a downer ending

They had it coming. The world was warned yet they still provoked him so much. I feel for Eren..

What is the most disappointing thing is how selfish and unreasonable mankind can be. So much hatred between so many people and nations, the world of Attack on Titan is a cursed one. So much blood spilled everywhere, and why? Is it because it's justice? Or is it because it's mother nature? Or is it because mankind is known for bloodshed and selfishness? So much hatred has blinded people, they no longer care to listen for the reason. Nothing matters to them, just their goals. All of this pointless conflict when people can simply try to speak up, try to understand each other, simply make bonds. If people could only live with a bit more empathy... All we can do is hope that so many deaths will have any meaning. Or perhaps Genocide/omnicide never had any meaning... Perhaps all of this was pointless strife.

This chapter confirmed Uri's predictions during his conversation with Kenny by the river. It remains to be seen now whether the alliance will be able to stop eren. I am sad for the world and for Ramzi and his brother. The pictures were horrible to watch (Isayama is very good at drawing emotions).

i'm...so very tired

I’m freakin cryin i need someone to hold me

Slowly, everything is coming back in its place. I am super dedicated at this point to the manga and I just hope Isayama is gonna be able to reach the perfect conclusion for such all these years of construction.

So Eren is a fish Titan...?

Still pro-rumble

Such a tragedy this whole story is. Really heartbreaking to witness. But so meticulously done and masterfully written.

Somebody said, maybe Eren and Zeke were actually fighting or going on memory journey schmuck in the Paths currently, that's why Eren is sleeping and automatically runs the titan on the outside.

If zeke didn’t pull this shit up in the first place none of this wouldn’t happen

Starting to reconsider the time-loop theory being wrong. Everything is literally coming full circle.

Isayama youre a genius but you love seeing us hurt and confused dont you 😭😭😭

It bothered me how surprised people were that Eren did the rumbling and it was sad.  He's been saying he was gonna do it for ages, and now he is.  What's with the surprised pikachu fandom?

Jesus Christ everyone needs therapy

Please end this story with happy ending!

[loudestsounds]

Top 50 Records of 2020

50- Melee by Dogleg

           You like some punk in your cereal? It’s a part of a healthy breakfast. Melee has something truly special here. It’s high octane when it needs to be while still maintaining precision and focus in the instrumentation and recording. Ultimately what’s compelling about the record is how frustrated everything sounds while still managing to maintain melody. It’s the sound of breaking shit to rhythm!

49- Grae by Moses Sumney

           A stunning and rich concoction of songs that leaves you bewildered. Moses Sumney has made something deeply personal while still inviting you inside. While the second half (which was released a few months apart from the first) tends to make the entire album feel a touch long-winded, the effort is well-executed and often breathtaking.

48- Fail to Be by Yashira

           This one snuck in at the last minute. A totally earth-shattering metal record that is determined to damage your dome permanently. There’s certainly a heavy dose of Converge influence all over the record, but Yashira manages to separate themselves from the pack with excellent song writing and unique choices. Production wise this record might be par for the course, but there are some nice little touches on tracks like The Weight and Amnesia that create wonderful depth.

47- Man on the Moon III by Kid Cudi

           I went into this thing with on giant sigh but left questioning whether I had accidentally pressed play on another album. Kid Cudi manages to pull something off! Cudi somehow takes inspiration from the genre that took inspiration from his own catalogue of music circa 2005. This is a terrific record to zone out to and let play out. Will this record rival some of the big stack bullies of hip hop? No. Cudi was never about that. He’s always been about mood and this is one moody son of a-! There are some clear skippable tracks (see: Elsie’s baby boy) but he also lands some excellent grooves on Solo Dolo, Pt. III, Lovin’ Me and Tequila Shots. While the record does suffer from overstaying its welcome with an 18 song track list—it manages not to take you out of the experience.

46- Whole New Mess by Angel Olsen

           WNM was poorly marketed as a distinct album, despite being essentially stripped back versions of 2019′s All Mirrors. Audiences were met with disappointment at having only two fresh songs to sample. The reality is it doesn’t fucking matter. Angel Olsen has done no wrong for her entire career. These songs can breathe in a ‘whole new’ way on this record and allow the listener greater insight while simultaneously haunting the walls of the record. Lark and Tonight (Without You) take on an entirely different life, and New Love Cassette feels like a different song entirely. Even Olsen’s scraps feel like fully realized ideas. Still—the title track steals the show, as we hear Olsen at her most desperate. Usually overwhelming the listener with her poise and sharp wit, Olsen promises that she’ll really do the change. She doesn’t have to change a thing.

45- Eastern Flowers by SVEN WUNDERS

           This one caught me off guard in the summer and I had it playing in the background of everything I was doing. Cleaning. Studying. Working. Eastern Flowers is middle eastern music made by Nordic people and I stopped trying to figure out how that happened a while ago. There is a lovely energy here, one that fuses traditional middle eastern melodies with funk embellishments. Eastern Flowers is just a really fun time.

44- The Archer by Alexandra Savior

           I had skipped Savior’s first record entirely before diving into the sophomore album. Going back, it’s clear that she has developed a great deal in the meantime. Despite Alex Turner producing the last one, the song writing takes the haunting details to whole new heights. Savior seems more confident in her voice, and also more willing to play with it in production (the ghostly tone on her voice in Soft Currents a testament). Savior separates herself from artists with a similar voice or who rest beside her within her genre, in how long she is willing to simmer within a song. These aren’t typical arrangements and it’s exciting to hear Savior throw you for a loop on songs like Howl and But You. We’re all excited for what lies next.

43- Push by Heads.

           Angry. Aggressive. Anxious. Push is a record that feels like the moments that build up before a massive protest. You are constantly pushed to the edge as the listener. There is a sinister element to the vocals that is deeply unsettling. Most songs slowly build with the promise of something bigger, instead reaching success simply by maintaining tension. Then there are songs like Weather Beaten and Nobody Moves & Everybody Talks that change the narrative, exploding into a punishing breakdown. Heads. Have something truly electric and angry on their hands here, and we’ll go along for the ride.

42- Indistinct Conversations by Land of Talk

           Many stripped-back and bare tracks on this one from Montreal’s own Land of Talk. It hits you about halfway through that the album is obsessed with loving one’s own history. Even when things have failed to work out, many songs suggest that we can only look back fondly. Opener Diaphonous warns I was caught up in the wrong stuff/ but I have to laugh. There are moments of greatness on this record, like the rushing movement of Look to You and the twangy riff of Footnotes—yet the marvel is in the consistent beauty, never wavering.

41- Are You Gone by Sarah Harmer

           A really soothing yet fun indie rock record that satisfies my craving for the music I loved as a teenager. There are some lovely arrangements and melodies from Harmer on this one, and while the mood is a touch sad, you’re happy you got to share in the emotion of it all. The album oscillates between more intimate moments and full-band jams, which create a nice balance—as if you’re moving in and out with the tide.

40- Circles by Mac Miller

           I was never the biggest Mac Miller fan. I wasn’t all that familiar with his catalogue before Swimming, and I perhaps made a point of listening to this posthumous release simply because he passed tragically. Still, the songs seem touched by his state, haunting the listener in combination with what we know ultimately happened to Mac. It’s a real shame it had to end like this, but if there was ever a gorgeous, captivating, and mature release to come at the end of a successful career cut short, Circles was it. 

39- Down to the Lowest Terms: The Soul Sessions by Steve Arrington

           Steve Arrington is back from his cryogenic freeze with a sick friggin’ soul album! These are fun, joyous and lived in gospel/soul tracks that play well in almost any setting. Play this bad boy with your friends, family and even around the office. Nobody will be disappointed. There are also some beautiful production touches that make this a great listen on headphones. Steve wants to tell you all about how funk is the way—and I think I believe him.

38- Atonement by exhalants.

           A fun ripper that makes you want to run up your walls and slam your fists on the floor. Atonement is not active listening per se, at least not in comparison to records released by their cohort, but it certainly puts you in a space that the band creates, dictates and commands. This is a band that has borrowed from others in the genre, but made that rare hardcore record that has just the right amount of hooks while maintaining space to catch ones breath.

37- Petals for Armor by Hayley Williams

           PFA had that multiple EP release thing that a few artists did this year (see: Dirty Projectors). Ultimately the entire project suffered from a touch of bloat—but the incredible songs were spread out enough on this album, that it had to make my list. There are incredible production choices on this record, and it clearly was a labour of love for Williams. The songs are a bit rigid in the vein of Annie Clark, but Williams has a freedom to her vocals that liberates them. I think a more refined 10 track album may have cracked my top 20. Songs like Taken and My Friend don’t seem to have a real purpose on the record other than just being half-baked mood tracks, but they don’t tarnish the effect that songs like Simmer, Over Yet or Sugar on the Rim have on the listener.

36- Farewell to All we Know by Matt Elliott

           Farewell is a collection of the creepiest, saddest and most beautiful songs you’ve ever heard. I don’t usually stray down this path but this is an album that works so well when reading or writing. There is some beautiful poetry on the darkness of the world and the last hopes for mankind. What sets the record apart lays in the details. The haunting echoes of the city streets. The whisper of ghosts that drag behind Elliott’s guitar. The record establishes incredible mood, inviting you in for a glass of despair.

35- Polysomn by Kairon; IRSE!

           My head hurts just trying to write about this record. It’s weird, heavy, melodic. The vocals feel unique to the genre while used sparingly. There is a lot of interesting synth play on this record that might invite listeners outside of the genre—but that also add depth and feeling to songs that otherwise might feel like trudges through metal music mud. Polysomn is filled with exciting, dynamic elements that are a good entrance into “weird, heavy music” for you listeners out there. I won’t pretend to know how this band does what it does any longer. Just enjoy.

34- Impossible Weight by Deep Sea Diver

           Frankly, the record is difficult to talk about without making it seem like it sounds like basically all of its contemporaries. In fairness, Deep Sea Diver shares a lot of commonality with the likes of Weyes Blood, Broken Social Scene, Sharon Van Etten (who even features on the title track). That said, everything sounds great on this record. The songs are tight, the melodies hang effortlessly and the vibes are…vibes. There are a ton of interesting choices, from the weird arrangements on Hurricane, reminiscent of Wolf Parade- to the videogame synths on Lightning Bolts. It never gets tired or boring—it just stands as an excellent indie pop/rock record that you can play at your board game night.

33- When I Die, Will I Get Better? by SVALBARD

           Equal parts mathy, metal, prog, emo and god knows what. This album has an intense feel to it that will have you uplifted as you thrash around your apartment. The momentum of these songs truly amazes, as we’re taken for an absolutely blistering ride on almost every track. Nonetheless, the songs find a way to breathe, unlike most of their contemporaries that leave you exhausted by the twenty minute mark. SVALBARD also has an ear for melody that fights typical metal fatigue. I won’t get tired of listening to this one.

32- Silver Tongue by TORRES

           After the bizarre, cryptic disappointment of Three Futures, it didn’t seem clear where TORRES would head. On Silver Tongue she appears to continue a confident journey in her own direction, but with a bit more focus and lot more precision. Where Three Futures was too disorienting to follow and often too indulgent for the listener to feel at all involved, Silver Tongue extends an olive branch—grab hold and you’ll be taken on a strange, glitchy and melodic journey into psychedelic pop rock. While the songs lack warmth, that seems to be the point entirely. There’s a magic in the cold and dreary walls that TORRES builds on the record that impresses with every subsequent listen.

31- The Baby by Samia

           A tremendous indie-rock record with some of the most excitement build-ups and hooks of anything released in 2020. Samia sings about some of the bleak realities of sexual frivolity in one’s twenties, while still somehow gloating about her vinegar and kale diets (all tongue in cheek). There are clear standout tracks (Big Wheel, Fit n Full, Minnesota) – but where Samia shines, and where she separates herself from her cohort of indie rock darlings (see: Soccer Mommy, Snail Mail, Clairo) is how well her slower ballads, such as Does not Heal, land. She is a superior song writer in many respects and has everything ahead of her.

30- Live Forever by Bartees Strange

           A very surreal, genre bending record from newcomer Bartees Strange. Live Forever sounds like totally different music depending on which track you’re on. You have some Death Cab. You have some Bon Iver. You have some Joey Badass? It’s a strange journey through an eclectic, cluttered and heavily talented musical mind.

29- The Ascension by Sufjan Stevens

           While the record as a whole underwhelmed me, Sufjan is still Sufjan. If this record was made by any other artist I’d be telling everyone about it. Many of the sounds felt a bit too familiar, which put me off just a touch. There are still unbelievable moments on this record: the layers on Make Me an Offer/ the dance-pop qualities of Video Game/ the swelling choir section of Tell Me You Love Me/ the build up of tension in The Ascension. There are the more confounding moments: Death Star as a song and not as parody/ Sugar as a slapstick suggestion of romance. Frankly I’m not all that blown away by the lead single, and nearly 13 minute odyssey, America—but I can understand how it operates as a statement of frustration and raw emotion. Nonetheless, Sufjan continues to occupy a space that, while at times mystifying, still leaves you entranced by the mystique of it all. We always leave wanting more, even if we’ve had a bit too much.

28- Set My Heart on Fire Immediately by Perfume Genius

           A gorgeous and lush assembly of songs that feel very personal to PG. The songs are grand, yet surprisingly intimate. One frustration with the songs that I’m still struggling to come to terms with, is that they seem very distant from the listener. We’re not invited into the experiences that the songs discuss—they seem isolated and tethered to the artist. That was likely a conscious decision and suits the subject matter well. Still, for all the warmth and atmosphere—you wish you could go along for the ride. Perfume Genius seems content on operating on their own planet—as we listen through frequency.

27- Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa

           This was certainly the year of Dua. She seems to have realized her final form and it’s truly a great thing to witness and listen to. Future Nostalgia plays out as an exceptional throwback pop record in a pop era dominated by future/hyper industrial production. These songs are poppy and unashamed to be exactly what they are. With the exception of the clumsy songs that bookend the record (the title track is a lacklustre open & Boys Will Be Boys attempts to tie in a loose, feminist concept to the record)—the album as a whole is jam packed with immense hooks. Let’s hope Dua hasn’t peaked because there is so much to love and groove to on this record.

26- KG by King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard

           Another instalment of the King Gizzard microtonal series. Unlike Flying Microtonal Banana, KG tends to hit harder and land smoother. There is a ton of groove on this bad boy that gets you comfortably settled, until the boys shake it up with some eclectic, middle east inspired arrangement. The beauty of KG is how you are never allowed to settle into something for too long. You’re almost always moving on to another segment, idea and branch of music that makes you feel...weird. Thanks guys!

25- Quelle by BRIQUEVILLE

           A haunting, drone fuelled romp in the spooky room. Quelle almost puts you to sleep until it urgently shakes you awake with a thunderous riff. It’s clear that every moment of the record is laboured over, every decision painstakingly made. There are moments taken straight out of your favorite horror film, yet the album manages to pull you in closer instead of pushing you away. Bold choices pay off for BRIQUEVILLE on this one, as we enter their world, and almost don’t manage to make it out.

24- Lianne La Havas S/T

           LLH self titles a record that sees her reaching back to a more stripped down, jam-based sound. There are some absolute bleeders on here that see her voice reaching registers she hasn’t covered on previous releases. The live-band recording works in her favor, as the instrumentation is loose enough to create a mood but still manages to quickly snap back to tight and precise progressions. Anchored by a well-executed Radiohead cover (Weird Fishes) the record has a strong b-side to match its grand opening half. The hypnotic qualities of many of the tracks are an especially fun element to the release as the jams tend to work you up wherever you are. La Havas has something very special on her hands with this record, and it’s one I will continue to share for years to come.

23- Omens by Elder

           A softer and, dare I say, poppier release from stoner rock fiends Elder was a welcome addition to music in 2020. There are many long form jams on this record that open themselves up to synths—and while it seems they haven’t totally mastered how to integrate more electronic segments into their riffage, the moods are still tight as hell. Give it a spin with some decent headphones and you won’t be disappointed.

22- Miss Anthropocene by Grimes

           You can try as hard as you’d like to root against Grimes but her music speaks for itself. I looked for ways to tell myself that she had finally waned or has become less inspired—but it’s just not true—she is finely tuned to whatever wavelength is firing on her alien planet. On MA the songs have more space to breathe, often meandering within themselves for over six minutes, until she hits you with a straightforward pop rock track that is so well produced and contains such a great vocal performance, that you simply cannot deny that we have yet another excellent release. It’s freaky, it’s haunting, it’s weird, and at times it’s even pleasurably comic. Grimes is doing it all and she is doing it on exactly her terms. We should expect nothing less.

21- Rough and Rowdy Ways by Bob Dylan

           I won’t pretend to be an expert on Bob Dylan’s catalogue. Nor will I pretend that I know what makes Bob Dylan good or bad. All I know is that Rough and Rowdy ways has great songs that back beautiful poetry. It’s consistently captivating and often, terribly sad. The final track, Murder Most Foul, may be one of the most potent, historical epics ever put to music. All in all, Bob Dylan has something deeply interesting to add to our weird, chaotic, and just plain shitty times.

20- Superstar by Caroline Rose

           The last show I went to was the album release of this record and it absolutely killed. Playing the record front to back, Caroline Rose will always be the pre-pandemic gig that symbolized the lightning before the thunder. Superstar is an excellent concept album about a fictionalized Caroline travelling across country with hopes of become…well… a superstar. Along the way she tosses and turns in a relationship, eviscerates doubt and self-loathing by replacing it with boisterous egotism, and manages to find herself at a finish line exhausted, and yet surprisingly having still learned something. The tracks on this record blend seamlessly into one another as Rose manages to coalesce the synth-rock madness we are used to with tighter song writing and more lyrical purpose. Caroline Rose may have just ended up what she wanted to be along.

19- The New Abnormal by The Strokes

           Everybody talks about a timeless quality that The Strokes early records have and it seems every record they have made since their first two have been made with the purpose of dispelling that very notion. The fact of the matter is, that timeless quality is what has endeared them to fans for two decades. The New Abnormal recaptures their earlier spirit. Sure, there are indulgent nods to the 80s that they seem obsessed with (sometimes to a fault)—with songs like Brooklyn Bridge to Chorus and Eternal Summer. Those songs likely work better in front of a crowd, and tend to actually crowd the record itself. Yet, there is no denying that there are excellent STROKES SONGS on this record that make you feel the way you felt listening to their first two records. The Adults are Talking is an immediate entrance into what made you love them to begin with, and Selfless follows as one of their prettiest ‘ballads’. Not the Same Anymore and Ode to the Mets close the record on an extremely high note, harkening back to the warmth of Room on Fire, with more mature and independent song structures. The true testament to the band’s growth is with their first single At the Door—which is an epic that ebbs and flows through wild croons and jagged synths, asking you to sit down and believe in the song itself. It’s as if The Strokes have been asking us to simply trust them all along.

18- UNLOCKED by Denzel Curry and Kenny Beats

           This is exactly it. Two masters collaborating in what might be their respective primes. It’s so packed, saturated, concentrated, condensed it almost seems like if it were any longer it would make our heads explode. They found the hip hop secret and managed to unlock it for us. While this may qualify as an EP it is an album’s worth of brilliance. It slaps from beginning to end with Kenny Beats saving his best instrumentals that masquerade as demos. Don’t get me wrong—these are brilliant templates for Denzel to cruise along to. Except Denzel does nothing close to cruising, he sets the road on goddamn fire. While Denzel is namedropping Rosa Parks and Don Corleone while recommending his haters go on a diet, he is playful in the same way Joe Pesci was playful in Goodfellas. With every subsequent verse Denzel is requiring that you answer the question: i’m funny how? You are certainly no clown! We swear!

17- NO DREAM by Jeff Rosenstock

           NO DREAM friggin’ rules dude! It took a bunch of listens for me to get the hang of it. I especially felt resistant to the opening track and how the record begins by pummelling you with punk chords—but that’s where Rosenstock is, so you just have to take it. NO DREAM is about giving up on settling for less. Rosenstock yells about hometown washouts, he yells about road trips, he yells about dopes who don’t believe in climate change. But you really feel something once Rosenstock starts to regret some of those lost loves. Maybe he could have behaved. Maybe he reacted too quickly. Maybe he made choices he never thought he’d make. Haven’t we all thought that? NO DREAM is a masterful punk rock record that maintains goofy, crazy, hilarious and fun traits that all good punk records need while providing us with heart that Rosenstock has never shown us before.

16- We Will Always Love You by The Avalanches

           Well, they did it again and snuck in there at the final hour. The Avalanches’ third record is a groovy, cold weather house record, bookended by some sort of intergalactic nonsense. Ultimately, the nothingness means everything, as there is an incredible amount of feeling that rests in the pieced together samples. Features from MGMT, Kurt Vile, Leon Bridges, Denzel Curry and even Rivers Cuomo only add to the madness. While the run-time is a bit long, the songs are quick enough to carry you through swiftly on your back. The Avalanches have once again offered us hypnotic, dream-like listening, perhaps when we needed it most.

15- Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

           Bridgers has this very special quality about her song writing, where it feels like she’s pulling you close to tell you something and then whispers into your ear a secret that you knew all along. She then pats you on the shoulder, nods her head, and says good luck- all with a smirk.  Bridgers has secrets we don’t have, and that’s what makes her music equal parts haunting and gorgeous. The melodies on Punisher remain in your head for months and while they are deadly serious they also reassure you with a “hey, you know this is just a song, right?”. Songs like Chinese Satellite offer more complex arrangements that are made full (but not heavy!) with string section embellishments. Halloween is the small town folk song about a place you just had to be there to understand. Graceland Too offers a nice release from the shadows that loom all over the record, although it’s never in too much sunlight to become a distraction. The entire album flows effortlessly, and before you know it you’ve reached the breathy scream and laughter at the end of epic closer I Know The End. Life is a game that Phoebe Bridgers is watching us all take bets on. She’ll remind us how it all played out later.

14- Find the Sun by Deradoorian

           These songs are odd, cyclical, hypnotic. The vocals are static and often emotionless. Find the Sun is a masterpiece taken directly from 1972—but thank god it was here to lull us into paralysis in 2020. None of the songs are direct injections, instead they are slow-release capsules that require you to take your time. Opener Red Den has a standard song structure (an anomaly), but still has a haunting, looping chorus that is interpolated with a second chorus that rests three levels lower. Perhaps the most direct track is almost impossible to describe. These songs are riddles or rubix cubes or those goddamn magic eye paintings that you have to look at for three hours to make out a boat (I see you, Mallrats). Deradoorian crafts an album that, despite requiring a certain degree of passive effort (huh?), still goes down smooth. Although clearly inspired by CAN, there is nothing frustrating here that forces you to concede that “maybe art doesn’t need to be understood, man”. This is a gorgeously pieced together album of psych/folk/rock that has earned its place on the mantle.

13- What’s Your Pleasure by Jessie Ware

           A dangerously good pop record that throws you back to the 80s with disco inspired flourishes. Some parts Robyn, some parts Madonna. Jessie Ware has a sound that grows past merely reproducing the music that has inspired her. There are curious and inventive details in songs (like the chorus in Ooh La La or the harmonized layers in the verses of The Kill). The songs take you to groovy heights with their detail, but the record also has some straightforward, power thru dance tracks like Read My Lips that anchor it, never letting you forget that this was meant to be danced to with others. What’s Your Pleasure is a beautifully woven pop masterpiece that never lets you go.

12- Down in the Weeds, Where the World Once Was by Bright Eyes

           Bright eyes is back. This record is an exciting return for the band, one that captures the misery and mysticism that surrounds our age of impending doom. Got to keep on going like it ain’t the end/ got to change like your life is depending on it-- is the first verse we hear from Conor and he never truly lets go of the sentiment. All the tracks are haunted by his past, the bleak world we live in, and the thought of trying to work out a way to make it through the days that feel like years. Down in the Weeds comes out after nine years away from the band, time Conor spent getting married and divorced, and sadly also losing his brother. These happenings find themselves scattered all over the record, as Conor is hesitant to reference them directly, but instead allows them to haunt tracks like ghosts. The instrumentation from Mogis and Walcott is fuller than other Bright Eyes records, the sounds more diverse. If someone asked what Bright Eyes sounds like one could legitimately offer this record as evidence—it is a distillation of many sounds across their entire catalogue. Ultimately what Down in the Weeds does best is remind us that the will to continue through the world is what makes us distinctly human, but also what makes us closer to something greater, something beyond everything. She doesn’t know what a comet does/ you’re approaching as you disappear-- is what we hear on the closing track Comet Song. Bright Eyes brings us closer to a truth we always knew would be just out of reach.

11- Death by Coastlands

           Aptly named, Death is a record about endings. Heart wrenching, devastating, finite and yet oddly satisfying endings. There are very sparing vocals on the record, but the instrumentation offers more feeling than any hardcore record this year. The pacing of songs like Dead Friends, the haunting choir that looms over Marrow, or the breaking of tensions that erupts out of Red Smoke Flare. This record doesn’t need words to evoke feelings of peril, urgency and grief.

10- Songs by Adrianne Lenker

           On not a lot, just forever, Adriane Lenker sings and I want to be your wife/so I hold you to my knife. This line arrives as plea instead of a threat—on an album filled with songs where Lenker reckons with her desperation. She pleas with the past for lost time returned, she pleas with her lovers for mistake forgiven, she pleas with herself for the possibility of change. When added to her catalogue with Big Thief, Songs proves that Adrianne Lenker may be the supreme song writer of our generation. On Anything she describes staring down the barrel of a hot sun as if the imagery were a familiar expression. Lenker tosses poetry at us like she might throw a frisbee. Even if we were positioned well enough to catch it, we could never throw it back, we are lucky to have it all.

09- Host by Cults

           Host didn’t feel like much on my first listen. But it kept burrowing endlessly into my brain. Now I’m waking up in the middle of the night singing the melodies on my way to go pee (No Risk! No Believing! Or Leading...). They nailed all of it. The song writing is crisp. The production is electric and soothing. They lull you to a peaceful calm with lullaby sounding tracks like No Risk. When things are just about to get repetitive they shake you out of your dream state (see: Like I Do). Every track on the record is a standout, but it can only truly be appreciated as one complete, masterful piece of music.

08- how I’m feeling now by Charli XCX

           Sure—it’s a bit of a pandemic time capsule. But holy shit. Charli made this absolute batshit hyperpop record in a month during lockdown. It is truly an unrelenting pinnacle of future pop that will hold up long past this absolute shit show of an era has passed. Charli has this way of making an unsettling listening experience that is also absurdly danceable. There are moments of insane pleasure, unhinged anxiety and bombastic ecstasy. From the promise of once again being together in forever to the claustrophobic realities of quarantine in enemy she covers the entire experience.  These songs really stand alone as brilliant testaments to Charli’s prowess. There is no stopping her as an artist at this point. Oh, and she also did us a tremendous solid by making a danceable record about how we miss dancing together. God bless you Charli, baby.

07- Ohms by Deftones

           This year needed this record. Something loud and clear as hard rock punishment. Deftones have what I believe to be their best record. Their sound has never been more crisp, focused or melodic. There are definitely new areas that Deftones explore on this record. From Spell of Mathematics to the title track—there’s a sharp attitude that plunges into their already excellent formula. The little details and flourishes of synth in songs like Genesis and Pompeji make all the difference (the latter’s transition into This Link Is Dead a clear standout)—allowing the record to breath and the listener to feel overwhelmed with, might I say, the world they have created. The album is full of beautiful moments of focus that keep the tension the band has built and cultivated for over a decade.

06- Fetch the Bolt Cutters by Fiona Apple

           Fetch the Bolt Cutters is a record that maybe wasn’t for me at all. I firmly believe that women understand more of this record than I ever could. There’s so much brilliance in the pots and pans percussion that accompanies most tracks. There’s an energy that studio drums could never bring. And well, the songwriting speaks for itself. It’s an undeniable culmination of all of her influences. Fiona Apple is a songwriter that simply doesn’t exist anymore (some of her cohort has actually, sadly, died).

The most valuable lesson Fiona teaches us is that there is no perfect way to get over anything. But we are meant to wrestle with endings. Maybe we are all meant to move on. Making friends, sneering at enemies. Like beasts in the wild. Life might be one big game of axis and allies. Like Fiona walking on her way to school, we “grind our teeth to a rhythm invisible”. This record proves that we should each bring our mouthguard.

05- Every Bad by Porridge Radio

           Every Bad is the room that your loneliness goes inside of to scream. Porridge Radio has an absolute masterpiece on their hands. Absolutely punishing lines that carve away your own anxiety with excellent songs that switch things around constantly. There isn’t a single stale song on the record and yet they work so cohesively. Every Bad is constantly asking us to self-examine, to dig a little deeper. What is going on with me? Is the first lyric you hear on the record. I’m coming home is the last. The record spans the cycle of existential dread guiding you through difficult choices and it could not have come at a better time.

04- St. Cloud by Waxahatchee

           I think I like Americana music. I probably knew that when I couldn’t resist the sing-along qualities of Killers records like Sam’s Town or Battle Born—but Crutchfield’s 2020 record has solidified for me. The writing here is too good to be true. Equal parts poetry and melody, her voice has this raw quality that really carries home when she plays up the southern twangs and drawls. The album feels obsessed with new beginnings after brutal endings. Hometowns on fire and the power of choosing to move on. The lyrics still feel haunted by the weight of memory (St. Cloud), and the anxiety surrounding what might come next (Ruby Falls), but the fresh approach to song writing has Waxahatchee sounding the best they ever have.

03- RTJ 4 by Run the Jewels

           They did it again. Not much to say here. It never gets old and it never feels stale. The records still feel like their own distinct hip-hop manifestos. The boys seems just as angry as they always did. The album arrived in the midst of a revolutionary cloud that hung over the world. The album is proof that we should expect it to remain overcast. The production on this thing is just as sleek, with El-P switching things up in bold ways on tracks like Goonies vs. ET. Some of the older tricks are used again, we have our comedown track with Pulling the Pin, we have our rock sample track with The Ground Below, we have our standout single with Ooh La La. The predictability of these songs may sound as if the album is formulaic but that’s beside the point. The fist will still knock your ass down, even if you knew it was coming. A truly loving element to the record is the bond that Killer Mike and El-P foster with each other through their alter-ego characters Yankee and The Brave- you can’t help but bask in their romance. The opening track is a blunt reminder that, in case you forgot, these guys are still here for another eleven rounds. The closing track solidifies the truth that they aren’t going anywhere, not anytime soon. And nor should they. We need Run the Jewels more than ever.

02- Captured Spirits by Mammal Hands

           Mammal Hands came out of nowhere and blew my goddamn mind. I have no deep connection with Jazz as a genre, but by god did this record force me to go digging. It’s the type of accessible, energy driven music that makes you cozy and comfortable until it rips your goddamn ears off with sax solos and manic piano arrangements. While the latter half of the record doesn’t manage to match quite the same energy as first half standouts like Late Bloomer or Riddle—the beauty of the record is in its assured sense of pace. We’ll get to the good part, but on their time. Mammal Hands know what they’re doing.

01- Women in Music Pt. III by HAIM

HAIM have found, executed, and perfected their sound all in one album. WIMPIII is a masterwork that shockingly happened all at once. Where previous albums Days Are Gone and Something To Tell You may have excited with the promise of what could come next, this record stuns you with what is happening right before your eyes. The confidence that the sisters share on the album’s cover shines through on all the tracks. They know who they are and they know how they sound. I Know Alone is a perfect example of refined song writing, with subtle production touches (especially in the percussion) that add something extraordinarily dynamic. Up From A Dream and Gasoline are the pure rockers that you knew the band was capable of, but that they never before capitalized on. There are softer, more romantic folk tracks like The Steps and Leaning on You that might make your parents cry. Spanning a wide range of topics (depression, lost loves, home, isolation) the album fit so perfectly with our insane year—but the sound, summery and sheen, will manage to stand the test of time. There was initial frustration with the choice not to include singles Now I’m In It, Hallelujah & Summer Girl within the formal track list (because on any record they are the strongest songs!)—but with further consideration, their inclusion as bonus tracks make perfect sense. HAIM has crafted 13 gorgeous, smart and powerful songs that stand alone, together. Those bonus tracks just act as a mind-blowing encore. Women in Music Pt. III is the most dynamic, focused and well-written record of 2020. We dare not ask for better.

[voyager-into-the-unknown]

An Afternoon in the Garden

This is my very first fanfic. It is Plance fic, of course, with a brief mention of Kallura.

Comments and reblogs are always welcome.

“An Afternoon in the Garden” by truegryffindorforever2

Lance had roamed the corridors of the Galaxy Garrison’s Science Division for three quarters of an hour, searching for a particular petite young scientist. He was determined to find her before he lost his nerve.

“You’ve got to do it today, you coward,” he said to himself. What would Hunk think of him after what he confessed over breakfast this morning? He would never forgive himself if he chickened out. After all, he was a Paladin of Voltron. He had faced down Galra soldiers, giant robeasts, space pirates, bloodthirsty alien monsters, and even a space mall cop. He could do this.

She wasn’t in her usual place, working alongside her brother in the robotics department, nor was she in her own office, writing code on her laptop. He didn’t find her assisting her father in one of the engineering laboratories either. There was one more place he had to check before leaving, which was Colleen’s hydroponics lab. He approached the door, noticing the holographic poster advertising the upcoming Garrison Ball. His heart began to beat faster and his palms began to sweat. Maybe he could talk to her tomorrow...

“Hey, Lance!” He nearly jumped out of his skin. There she was, round glasses perched on the end of her little upturned nose and thick, unruly brown hair crammed into a messy ponytail. (When had it gotten so long that she could do that? How would she look with her hair down around her shoulders? Her eyes were so pretty...how would she look without those glasses on? Stop staring, he told himself.)

“Uh, hi, Pidge. I was just looking for you actually. Need any help?” She was carrying a tray of little green seedlings, suspended in a nutrient solution.

“Mom has been in a meeting all afternoon, and I promised her I would check up on her experiments. There’s another tray exactly like this one that needs to be moved to greenhouse three. See it over there?”

“Yeah. I’ll get that for you.” He picked up the tray and followed her into the greenhouse.

“These are ready for 12 hours of simulated radiation from a type G2 star,” she said putting her tray down under the designated sun lamp. Lance placed his tray of seedlings next to hers.

“Trying to see if these will grow in earth-like conditions, right?”

“Yep. Now I need to check on the growth of the tomatoes on aisle seven, and I’ll be done here. What’s up?”

“Well, I was wondering about something. Did you see all of those holos reminding everyone about the Garrison Ball?”

Pidge rolled her eyes. “I don’t need a holo to remind me about that. Mom has been nagging me to go shopping for a new dress every day. She expects me to go to the ball whether I have a date or not.”

“But you don’t have a date yet, right?”

“Look, if you’re just came down here to make fun of me too, Mom already does that.”

“No, I just wanted to talk to you.”

“About what?”

“Well, there’s this girl I really like, and I want to ask her to go to the ball with me, but I am afraid to do it. Help me, please.”

“Don’t tell me that you are afraid of being rejected. That never stopped you from asking out girls before.”

“It’s more than that. This girl means everything to me. I don’t want to mess this up.”

“Um, you know that Keith has already asked Allura to go to the ball with him, and she said yes, right?”

“This isn’t about them. I got over my crush on Allura ages ago.”

“Oh, really?” Pidge raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Well, if this girl you like is so important to you, you should just tell her how you feel about her.” She crossed her arms and stared at him as if to challenge him.

“It’s not that easy. If I ask her out and she says no, it might make things weird between us. She might not want to be around me anymore.”

“But what if she says yes?”

“Then we will start dating, and I will inevitably say or do something stupid and she’ll break up with me and then she won’t want to be friends with me anymore and I won’t be able to handle it. I can’t lose her. She’s one of my best friends in the entire universe!”

Pidge smiled up at him, her cheeks slightly pink, and her eyes full of hope. She smirked and said, “But suppose you say and do stupid things around her all the time, and she still loves you anyway.”

Lance groaned. “Thanks, Pidge. That’s the way to boost my self-esteem,” he said, and then sighed. “I’m hopeless.”

“Well, maybe you came to the wrong person for advice about dating, since, according to my mother, I’m the one who’s hopeless. She makes fun of me all the time for having a crush on a boy that barely even realizes that I’m a female, and who flirts with every pretty girl he sees right in front of me, as if I don’t even exist!”

Lance gaped at her, speechless. Could it be? Was he imagining things? He blinked. There was a long silence, as Pidge stared at him, her face red with anger.

Lance stood with his feet apart and fists on his hips. “Do I know this boy you like so much? He sounds like he’s kind of a jerk.”

Pidge turned away from him. “He’s not a jerk,” she said in a small voice. “He’s actually really sweet, and clueless.” She sniffled. Was she crying? This boy had hurt her, and at that moment Lance wanted to punch him, whoever he was. “Do I know this guy? What’s he like?”

“Tall.” Pidge sniffled a bit as she wiped her eyes.

“Tall? Pidge, compared to you, every guy is tall. Give me something to go on here.” She laughed quietly, then turned to him. She took off her glasses to wipe away the last of her tears, then seemed to brace herself, as if to face a new challenge or to do something foolishly brave.

“Um, okay. He’s a great pilot. He’s a daredevil...fearless, or at least he pretends to be.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I know he gets really scared sometimes, but he always overcomes his fear, especially when someone he cares about is in danger. He loves his family and friends so much that he wouldn’t hesitate to protect them by putting his life on the line to keep them safe. He would even do that for a total stranger if it was the right thing to do. He’s saved countless lives. He’s a real hero.”

“Wow...I...” Lance began. “He sounds like an amazing guy.”

Pidge looked up at him with shining eyes. “He is, but he often doesn’t realize it. He’s fun to be with, and has a great sense of humor. He always makes me laugh when I least expect it. And he’s kind. He has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know, and he desperately wants to love and be loved in return. And the saddest thing of all is that he sometimes thinks he doesn’t deserve that kind of happiness.” The tears rolled down her cheeks once more, but she made no effort to hide them this time. Even though Lance knew his own eyes weren’t dry, he moved closer to her, lifted her chin, and brushed away her tears with his thumbs. Her golden brown eyes were so big, he could have gotten lost in them. He felt a pang of jealousy directed at this boy that Pidge apparently had a crush on.

“I’ll bet he’s totally ugly though, am I right? Probably looks like the back end of a weblum or something.” He wiped his face on the sleeve of his uniform.

Pidge giggled. He grinned at her. “Eh, not really. I’d say he’s okay-looking.”

“Okay-looking?!” Lance said in mock offense. “I imagined your Mr. Perfect as being some drop-dead gorgeous guy. You know...like me.” He waggled his eyebrows at her, and they both laughed.

“Well, some girls thinks he’s handsome. I guess I think he’s at least kind of cute.”

“Kind of? Just how cute is he?”

“As cute as a yalmor.” Lance cackled, then eventually frowned, remembering something she once said. There was a long silence between them.

“Lance?”

“I’m thinking.”

“Yeah, that usually takes a while.”

“Hey!” Lance cried, pretending to be offended, but then he grinned at her.

“I didn’t say that he was smart,” she mumbled.

“What was that?”

“I never said that the guy I like is smart...especially when it comes to figuring out when a girl likes him.”

“Well, if he’s so slow on the uptake, maybe you should just tell him exactly how you feel about him.”

“Hmm...no. I think the guy should make the first move.”

“Sure. But do you know how terrifying that is?” Lance began to ramble, without thinking. “Even if the girl I lo—like says yes, she might make fun of me for being such a hopeless romantic. She’s already one of the people I care about the most in the entire universe. I’m afraid if we start dating I will ruin our friendship because, let’s face it, Pidge. I’m an idiot. I’m bound to do something stupid.”

“I know you will, Lance, but if this girl is really worth it, then that’s a risk that you’ll have to take. It’s like my father always says: If you worry too much about what could go wrong...”

“You might miss your chance to do something great,” he finished. It is now or never, he thought. Do it now, before you lose your nerve.

“Pidge,” he began, then stopped. “Meeting You was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. You are my best friend. You make me laugh like no one else can, and you make my head spin with how incredibly clever you are. You’re courageous and kind, and honestly I think you are as beautiful as you are brilliant, and that is saying something because you are one of the smartest people I have ever met. Will you go to the Garrison Ball with me?”

“I’ll have to think about it,” she said with a lopsided grin. She was teasing him, of course, but Lance panicked, once again fearing rejection.

“Pidge!”

She giggled. “Of course, I will go to the ball with you...I just wanted to see the look on your face when—“

Lance didn’t know what she was going to say next because he cut her off with a loud whoop, and then picked her up in a tight hug. “That’s a yes, then. You are actually going to go on a date with me.”

“Yes, I am actually going to go to the ball with you, Mr. Perfect.”

He set her down, beaming at her. “Then that boy you have a crush on—“

“Is you. It’s always been you, ever since we were cadets,” she said softly, then stood on tiptoe to kiss him gently on the lips. Lance leaned down and kissed her back, feeling her fingers ruffling his short, messy hair as he held her in a warm embrace. Kissing her was as thrilling as flying, and his heart raced just as fast as it had the first time he flew Blue Lion. She had been clinging to him with urgency then as well. They deepened the kiss, and his heart beat even faster, like the first time he flew Red. He realized that in that moment he was the happiest he had ever been. It was better than being accepted into the Garrison, better than becoming a Paladin, even better than being chosen as Black Paladin (not that he fantasized about that...much.) He would have hoped to stay like this forever, cradling her slender body in his arms, and kissing her with such tenderness until...

“Katie? Are you down here, sweetheart?”

Lance and Pidge immediately broke their kiss and sprang apart from each other. Pidge mouthed the words “It’s my mom!” She smoothed her rumpled lab coat.

“I know!” whispered Lance frantically, as he finger combed his hair, but it stood up at odd angles anyway. Both of them were blushing as red as Colleen’s tomato plants.

“There you are! Katie, I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Oh! Hello, Lance.”

“Mom! Um, we were just down here, um...”

“Watering the plants,” said Lance, trying to finish her statement.

“Lance, dear, this is a hydroponics garden. The plants are watered all the time. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you two were up to something. Anyway, Katie is going on a trip to the mall with her mother. I’m helping her pick out a new dress for the ball, whether she likes it or not. She thinks that because she can’t get a date that I will excuse her from going—“

Pidge interrupted her mother. “Mom, I have a date.”

“More than a date,” Lance added. “She’s got a boyfriend.” He draped one long arm around Pidge’s narrow shoulders in an all-too-familiar way to emphasize what he was saying. Pidge gave her mother an impish grin.

“Boyfriend?!” Colleen sputtered, clearly in shock.

“Yes ma’am. And if you don’t mind, I’d like to tag along with you two lovely ladies on your trip to the mall. I need to rent a tuxedo.”

[dreamy-heichou]

Anime Tag Game

I was tagged by @roxi4, thank you so much!! :D This was a lot of fun though some questions got me thinking really hard lol

1. Last anime you watched?

It’s a new anime movie on Netflix called A Whisker Away (or Nakitai Watashi wa Neko wo Kaburu), it was really cute, funny and touching!

2. Last anime you binged watched?

Beastars. I was a little reluctant to start watching it but once I started I couldn’t stop lol

3. Recommend an anime and state your reason?

CAROLE & TUESDAY

This anime has everything: cute moments, funny moments, serious topics and a bit of angst. It’s about two girls trying to find their place in the new world they live in, Mars, which is where some part of humanity went because of the decaying state of Earth. They both have their struggles, their stories, but what unite them is music. The show is centered on them trying to make their debut in the music industry on Mars, and wow is the music amazing in this anime! All the songs are in English (except one in French) which was a real surprise for a Japanese anime, but it suits the characters perfectly! Totally recommend giving it a try!

4. Anime you have not finished watching yet?

I have a few lol, though right now I can’t remember which one and MAL decided to not work right when I’m doing this akjld

5. An anime you do NOT recommend and state your reason?

Okay, so before I go into this, just know one thing: I love Tokyo Ghoul. I really do, but I love the original story, the manga.

Concerning the anime: the first season was okay, they deleted a few things which I found was a shame, but it wasn’t bad.  But Tokyo Ghoul √A... It was a complete disaster and ruined the story and the characters (especially Kaneki ugh) imo. It makes things so confusing if you want to watch Tokyo Ghoul:re afterwards too!

So yeah, if you want to give Tokyo Ghoul a try, honestly I wouldn’t recommend Tokyo Ghoul √A at all. Read the manga, read a synopsis of this part of the story online if you want to watch the rest of the anime, but not this season.

6. List your top 5 favourite anime?

Oh boi I never know... I haven’t watched that much anime tbh (I prefer reading manga) and not as many caught my attention to the point that I can call them ‘favourite’, but I’ll try...

Shingeki no Kyojin

Sword Art Online (I know what most people think of this anime but I don’t care. It’s a flawed show but I love it nonetheless. I’m a simple person)

Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works

Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni (they’re going to make a new adaptation soon I can’t wait!!!)

Fruits Basket 2019 (the anime hasn’t finished airing yet but it’s one of my favorite manga and the new adaptation is amazing!)

7. Of your top 5 anime, list 2 of your favourite ships from each show?

Snk: Ereri (duh!) and um... I have several other ships I enjoy but none stand out more than another honestly :/

SAO: Kirito x Eugeo (my second OTP, love them!!) and that’s it lol

Fate: Shiro x Rin

Higurashi: Keiichi x Rena

Furuba: Kyo x Tohru and Kureno x Arisa

8. Of your top 5 anime, list 1 ship that you do not like?

I haven’t said that one a lot because I’m not about spreading hate, and unless someone asks me I see no point in talking about it. Only my friends knew to this point... Eru**ri. Like just... No.

9. Of your top 5 anime, list 1 crack ship?

Ajdkdj I don’t know?? I’m not a big shipper usually, SnK is an exception, and I don’t think any can be called a crack ship lol 

10. Of your top 5 anime, list your favourite character from each show?

Levi Ackerman (SnK)

Kirito (SAO)

Oh damn... Rin or Archer I guess lol (Fate)

Rena <3 (Higurashi)

Kyo Soma (Furuba)

11. List 3 of your husbando/waifu and what anime they are from?

Levi (SnK) - my #1 and the man who owns my heart

Kirito (SAO)

Gavin/Haku (Koi to Producer : Evol x Love) -  I’m totally cheating with that one because the anime hasn’t aired yet lol but it’s from a game that I’ve been playing every day for almost a year now and this man is definitely 100% my husbando, can’t wait to see him animated!! (Haku is his Japanese name apparently but in the English version of the game he’s called Gavin)

12. Favourite anime genre?

Damn, again, I have no idea lol. I guess I like it when there’s not too much drama and not too much humor, like just the right amount of both? Then I like when there’s a touch of fantasy, or if it’s an Isekai. It’s easier for me to say which genre I don’t like tbh lol

13. Weirdest anime you have seen?

Weirdest? Hmm... Let’s go with Shinsekai Yori (From the New World) Honestly I liked that anime, some parts were total genius like holy damn! But when I started watching it I was so confused and kept asking myself “what am I watching? What’s going on?” but I kept watching it nonetheless because I was so curious :’) It isn’t a bad kind of weird, but some parts really grossed me out, like.. The rats... *shivers*

14. Subbed or dubbed?

Subbed, always!!

15. Fanart or Fanfic?

I only read fanfics for Snk tbh (once upon a time I was reading Naruto fics lol), so let’s say Fanart (tho I like both)

16. Protagonist or antagonist?

Depends on the character and the story, but mostly protagonist

17. Funniest anime you have seen?

I haven’t watched a lot of comedy anime, so I’ll go with Great Teacher Onizuka (GTO)

18. Saddest anime you have seen?

Oh boi... I have a few for which I cried my eyes out honestly...

First: Uta Kata. I’ll never forget how fucking depressed I felt at the end of this anime. I watched it in middle school and the ending got to me so hard, I still remember how I felt even after all this time (I wonder how I’ll feel if I rewatched it now?)

Then there’s also Clannad, I was crying my eyes out for several episodes in the After Story, and since Roxi mentioned it, AnoHana. 

19. Anime character you dislike the most?

Okay, easy one. No matter how many times I see him, no matter in which version because somehow he’s like a cockroach and can’t stay in one fucking anime, I always feel like putting my hands inside my computer and strangle him: Mato Shinji.

It’s insane how he was voiced by the same seiyuu who gave his voice to my favorite character of all times! It blew my mind when I realized that; Kamiya Hiroshi sure is an amazing voice actor!

20. Recommend an anime movie?

I highly recommend the first movie I talked about, A Whisker Away, but that’s not the one I want to recommend now though.

Maquia: When the Promised Flower Blooms (or Sayonara no Asa ni Yakusoku no Hana wo Kazarou)

This movie is just simply amazing and beautiful, though I must warn you that the plot is quite angsty. Like I definitely cried at the end of that movie too. It’s set in a fantasy world, and... okay I suck at summary so let me just copy/paste one:

“Though only 15, Maquia knows she will live for centuries without aging past adolescence. She belongs to the Iorph, a clan of ageless beings just like her. Maquia's elders warn her not to fall in love with anyone outside their realm, lest she wish to encounter true loneliness in the end. But fate pushes Maquia out into the mortal world one night, when an invading territory separates her from the clan. There she discovers an orphaned baby, Ariel, and takes him in as her own child. From this point, Maquia will suffer extreme heartbreak in the name of motherhood, as she watches Ariel grow and seeks to reconnect with her lost Iorph friends, all torn apart by the cruel world of Mesate.” 

100% recommend it if you’re not afraid of drama and like fantasy!!

------

Damn that was a long tag game!! Sorry, I ramble a lot :’)

I tag: @talkereritome, @dearlevily, @soapy0-0, @jaegerists, @flamoria, and anybody else who wants to do this! It’s a long one so only do it if you’re up to the challenge ;)

[blackhakumen]

Fanfic #31: Lost and Found (RWBY AU)

Everyone can have their days whether if it's good, bad, or even full of surprises. And it's no exception for the local farm boy himself, Oscar Pine.

Ever since he was enrolled to Beacon High School, life has suddenly became an adventure for him (Figuretively and Literally). He learned something new everyday in classes, became a proud member of a club, have gained many new friends who he loves and cares for, he even got himself a fun and an amazing girlfriend, who is the leader of that said club. Things has been really great for him for the most part.

But then one day......Oscar received news that had drastically changed his life forever. His Aunt.....the only family member he has left in his life.....had passed away in her sleep. The moment he received that tragic news, Oscar felt the world had just... instantly stops around him. It didn't make him burst out in rage or in complete sadness...it just.... completely shocked him...that the one person who practically raised him ever since he was a child.....had left the face of the Earth.

The sadness of his heart came in full force once the funeral of his aunt was close of being over. Once he step into his room alone....the poor farm boy couldn't help but to let out every bit of heartache and sorrow that he had been hiding for the past few days of his aunt's passing....by crying his eyes out. His cries was so heartbreaking that Ruby and the rest of their friends who attended the funeral, instantly took notice by rushing towards the room and comforting their devastated friend the best way they could before he would eventually tired himself out to sleep. Qrow and Tai even agreed to let themselves and the kids stay the rest of the night at his aunt's farm just to keep Oscar's company.

A few days later, things have finally went back to normal for the most part. While he's still saddened by his aunt's death, Oscar does whatever he can to keep moving forward in life even though his sadness is still within his heart. He tried his hardest to keep that sadness in check just so his friends wouldn't have to worry about him too much. Unfortunately, it only made them worried even more than before. The two friends from his group who was worried about the farm boy the most, however, were the two seniors, Lie Ren and Nora Valkyrie.

Ever since they first met, Nora would (somehow) always see Oscar as her cute, freckled son, with Ren going along with the idea just cause. The two couple has shown their sincere love and care for the boy as time goes on. Which made them all the more heartbroken to see their baby hurting and bottling up his emotions like this. So one day, they both decided to have Oscar to tag along with them as they drove towards a nearby cemetery where he could hopefully have this much needed talk.

Oscar: (Couldn't Believe what he's seeing) R-Ren....is this...

Ren: My parents' gravestones?....Yeah....My father was a proud military veteran before I was even born. And my mother ran a very famous flower shop in my hometown....Things were pretty simple during those days.....

Oscar: (Was Almost Very Hesitant to Ask Ren the next question) So.....W-What happened to them?

Ren: Well....('Sigh') When I was young, my father was killed in the act of duty....two years after....my mother died from a sudden illness....

Oscar: Ren......I-I am so sorry.....

Ren: (Gave Oscar a Sad and Small Smile) It's okay, Oscar. It was a really tragic moment for me, yes, but I knew that neither of them would want me feel this sad about their passing. So I've move on and lived a better life. And I wouldn't be where I am now if I hadn't met Nora during that time.

Nora: (Place a hand on Ren's Shoulder with a reassuring smile)

Oscar: (Felt a little better to see Ren happy) Well I'm glad you were able to get through all of that. (A lot better than I could right now....) (Turns to Nora) What about you, Nora? W-What was your parents like?

Nora: (Suddenly Turns away in sorrow)..........

Oscar: Nora?

Nora: O-Oscar.....I.... honestly..... have no idea who my parents were?....

Oscar: (Eyes Begins to Widened once he's realizing where Nora's going from all of this) My god.....N-Nora.... I'm so sorry.....

Nora: (Turns around and gives Oscar the Sweetest and Saddest Smile She could give him right now) It's okay, sweetie. Not gonna lie, it was really... really hard for me back then..... Walking in the dangerous streets and whatnot....(Hugged Ren's Arm while having tears coming out of her eyes) But I was so blessed that I've met this amazing boy in life....It made me really happy, you know? To live the rest of my childhood with him and all.... meeting every single one of our friends in high school.... Including you....

Oscar: Even me?

Nora: Definitely....('Sniff') You mean the world to us too....('Sniff') We love you guys soooo much. (Burst out crying on Ren's shoulder)

Ren: (Turns to Oscar as he comforts Nora) Oscar, we understand what it's like to lose someone you love.....think that you have no one else to come to in this world.... But we both want you to know that you're NOT alone as you think you are. Because you still have me, Nora, Ruby, Jaune, Weiss, Blake, Yang, Penny, Sun, Neptune and everyone of our friends who loves you and will always be there for you no matter what happens. So....we really hope that you'll never forget that you're always welcome to come to any of us if you ever need someone to talk to.... okay?

Oscar: (Starts To Slowly Smile at his two friends) Yeah..... I'll always remember thay. T-Thank you guys so much.

Nora: (Finally Calmed herself down) You're always welcome, sweetie-pie. We love you so much.

Oscar: And I love you guys too. So...is this the only reason why you two brought me here?

Ren: Yes....but there is something else we been meaning to ask you... Even before either of us even thought about bringing you here.

Oscar: Really?

Ren: (Nodded) This... might be too much to ask but... Oscar, would you like....to move in with us and Jaune?

Oscar: (Surprised by Ren's Request) You..... really want me to move in with you guys?

Nora: (Gently Grab both of Oscar's hands) Of course we do, Oscar. We've already told Jaune about it and he wanted you to move in too. We could be like one happy family together, just the four of us. (Gives Oscar the sad puppy dog eyes) Pleeeasee?

Oscar: ...............You know.....ever since my aunt died....I honestly thought I was going to be alone for a long time.......

Ren: Oscar......

Oscar: But now.....you two helped me realize that....I don't have to go through this all by myself.....that it made me see that each and everyone of you guys are like a huge family I never thought I wanted up until now.....So yeah......(Looks up Nora with a happy, tears filled eyes) I would love to move in with you. If it's really okay with you guys, of course.

And before he knew it, Nora twirl the farm boy around and gave him a big, heartfelt hug, with Ren happily joining along as well. Indicating that the longtime couple would love nothing more than to have their baby boy move in to their home with them and Jaune.

Life has been pretty challenging for Oscar to endure these past couple of days since his aunt's passing, but he finally realized that as long as he has friends/family by his side, he positive that he'll be able to go through whatever life has in store for him and beyond.

@miki-13

@maripr

@ma-lemons

@littlemisssquiggles

@oscarpineprotectionsquad

@shadowsnowdapple

@rozanime

@keyenuta

@miraculouscorazone

[tenrose]

Doctor Who Tag Game

Tagged by: @sopheirion​ thank you!!!

Favourite Doctor: Ten, ten and always Ten. I just love David’s portrayal’s of the Doctor more than I can say. I love the good, and I love the bad. I love when he’s being an idiot, when he’s flirtatious as hell with Rose (omg the memories) like you two get a room, when he finally snaps, when he’s a dumb oblivious as fuck and you want to smack cause he’s being an asshole, I love when he’s heartbroken. The faces David pulls are the best thing in the world. Like his ‘I don’t want to go’ ARE YOU KIDDING ME DAVID??? And the whole Doomsday episode, his blank face against the wall omg I’m gonna cry right now. And when this bitch has the audacity to disappear before saying it aaaaahhhh. But also the way he talk quickly and absolute nonsense. His ‘er’. When he’s being silly as hell with Donna, those were the good times. When he’s angry yelling, but also when he’s cold angry in the end of The Family of Blood. When he realize things and make the ‘oh i’m so stupid thing’ but also when he’s realizing sad thing like with the end of Donna. Bitch when he cries under the rain like some edgy boy, I cry too. His smile when things are getting exciting, but also the smile going into his eyes that is just for Rose and only Rose Tyler The various face he makes with Donna, all  the non verbal communication. Also when Martha decides to leave and you can see that he’s (too late) proud of her, and after that when he sees her again he’s being honest with her..The way he pronounces certain words if that makes sense???? Also David’s whole acting in Midnight, that was insane on so many levels. And least but not last : his iconic hair. I don’t think I need to tell more. And aside from that, I love all his season’s arcs, all his companions are my top three favourites. And of course, my close second favourite is Nine, cause without Nine, Ten wouldn’t be the Doctor he was.

Favourite Master: tbh I’m not that much into the Master, but I guess it’s Simm!Master cause I love his arcs. But I also love Missy as a character (not sure about her arcs though)

Favourite Sonic: I love both Nine/Ten’s sonic and Eleven’s sonic. 

Favourite Companion: aaaaahhhh not this question lmao. So I can’t really choose between Rose and Donna. I just love them both too much. So I’m not even a hardcore shipper of anyything by tumblr’s standards at least lmao, but the Doctor and Rose (both Nine and Ten) as been the first fictional couple I deeply rooted for (like I’ve enjoyed a lot of other ships before but never as harder and deeply) and that I still root for after all these years (in fact Clexa is the only other one that goes that hard, but everything else is just phases, they come and they go but they never stay). I love the tragedy of them, bitch who am I kidding, I love it that much cause it’s a tragedy lmao. I just love how they both make each other better, but also how they flirt like dumbass teens, how they communicate, how they cry for each other. BUT, and it’s very important, I love Rose for herself. She’s not just interesting because of the Doctor. She’s so relatable for instance? Like she’s not from a wealthy family, she clearly doesn’t give two fuck about fashion (or was it 2005 who was like this?), she’s not too smart, too pretty (ok she’s definitely is for me), too much of anything, she’s average. And I love this a freaking lot you can’t imagine. She has flaws, and yes that’s exactly what we want in a character. Yes she has moments when she’s being selfish (but who doesn’t? especially when in love), and yet she has some of the most beautiful selfless moments,sacrificing herlself in Doomsday is the best cause she was literally gonna end up in the void but she didn’t hesitated for one second. Also when she’s showing empathy for other people, she’s being caring and understanding. And she doesn’t take anyone’s else bullshit, she call them out, and that include the Doctor first. Just because she loves him doesn’t mean it’s gonna stop her from telling him to stop being a punk ass bitch. Also she evolved so much between s2 and s4, and I don’t think it’s character inconsistency, it’s just that it happened off screen. BY THE WAY I WOULD VERY MUCH A SPIN OFF ABOUT ROSE TYLER HOPPING WORLDS THANK YOU VERY MUCH @BBC!!! 

Now Donna? Where do I start? She’s also average, and also very relatable. In fact, personnally I think she’s the most relatable for me. Using humour, snark and sass to hide 10 thousands insecurities? Yes that’s the most relatable thing ever. Donna is the funniest character but she’s also the one who has the saddest ending in my opinion. Cause she grow up, she sees the world, and she understand that she is THE shit, she matters, she is important, and then she forgets all about it. That’s so cruel, and heartbreaking and angering, cause she deserved everyfuckingthing, she deserved the world. And her departure hit me so fucking hard. She’s going back to her life, thinking she would be not enough, I can feel that so deeply. Aaaahhh I’m hurting myself writing this. But she’s so amazing, she’s smart, thinking out of the box really make her so great, and she’s the one who take the least shit about anything. She stands up, yells, makes a scene, but she get straight to the point. Also she’s not the young and conventionally attractive companion and she knows that. And she’s so funny and sassy, and close to the Doctor. I mean she’s the Doctor Donna for a reason, she’s like a human version of the Doctor, with the sass, the babbling, the clumsiness. God I love Donna so much, I wish I had so much more of her. Also she has absolutely zero romantic feelings for the Doctor and the fact that they are the bitchy bffs of the universe is the best. 

Favourite Story: I love a lot of stories, but my favourite is The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End no doubt. The story is a perfect mix of happiness, having every RTD’s characters together, all my fave working together is the absolute best, and of sadness, the departure of Donna (I won’t re talk about it ok) and Ten letting Rose go AGAIN. And the fact that there’s everyone he loves in these episode but then he ends up all on his own. God why do I love being hurt so much??? And the Daleks are also my favourite villains (it’s just such DW bullshit as a villain tbh lmfao) so I have everything I want. Generally speaking I love RTD’s arcs, cause the sign are here the whole seasons (Bad Wolf, vote Saxon, the bees disappearing and she’s coming back) but it’s not a ‘HEY LOOK THERE’S SOMETHING FISHY TO SEE HERE HEYYYY’ or ‘WE ARE STARTING THE SEASON WITH ONE QUESTION, ONE PLOT POINT AND THAT’S WHAT YOU’LL WANT TO BE RESOLVED BY THE END OF THE SEASON’,  it’s subtle, it’s casual mention, and it’s when you’re in the last three episode that you’re starting to realize something is wrong...That’s one of my favourite type of writing ever (that’s probably why I love Sanderson’s books too). It’s not some mystery to solve, cause there weren’t any mystery to solve, because me, a dumbass viewer, weren’t even paying attention at first. But it’s here, it fills the plot. And when you see it you’re like ‘of course’. It’s not forced on me if I can say it like this. It allows me to see other stuffs. It’s not attention seeking I guess? But yes the end of s4 is my favourite story, all is in place. All characters do what they do best. There’s laugh and there’s tears, and I love it.

Favourite Soundtrack: everything Murray Gold has been doing for the show is pure gold and I think that’s a thing the whole fandom can agree upon. My artist of the decade according to Spotify is him, and considering I haven’t listened daily to his songs (except for some still regularly) I think that say a lot about how much I used to love both his music and the show at some point. My favourite of his are Doomsday’s Theme ofc, Love Across the Distant Stars, I am the Doctor, Rose’s Theme, Amy’s Theme, Clara’s Theme, Vale and cry. All of them. And that include the one soundtracks for episodes I don’t even like lmao.  

Dream Actor for next Doctor: I don’t know, why not John Boyega? He deserves to be the main character and be treated well, of a sci-fi show. 

Dream Composer: Murray Gold come back to me. Or I would love a glimpse of what Lorne Balfe could do.

Dream Story: Something that involves seeing Rose and Tentoo, and Martha as the Earth counselor, with Thirteen still having feelings for Rose. And Rose too.  But the plot? Idk lmao. However the end would be sad cause Thirteen would have to see Rose and Tentoo coming back to their world, and I would cry. Also Thirteen would aknowledge Martha as the smarter companion the Doctor had ever had lmao.

A Companion You’d like to see back:  Martha, but like not as a companion cause she made it clear that she would not come back, and that wouldn’t be fitting her character if she changed her mind. But she could always be accidentally stuck in the TARDIS, I mean it happened once. But really I would just love to have her coming to the rescue when shit on Earth goes too far and the Doctor needs help of a specialist. That’s Martha you need Doctor.

An Enemy/Alien/Creature you’d like to see again: I’m always here to see the daleks. 

If you could travel with one of the Doctors, which Doctor and why?: Ten? Because he’s my fave, but also Thirteen because I’m gay and I would like to take my chance lmao

[themisterdarcy]

dear darcy,

what’s up? it’s currently thursday, april 30, 2020. we are in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic, and north carolina is on lockdown. well, technically. we are actually the worst state in the entire country in pandemic support. there are 1.06 million confirmed cases in the entire country, with 9,948 in north carolina, and 1,567 in mecklenburg county alone. the stay-at-home order is still supposed to be lifted on may 8th, though. that’s next friday. i don’t know how on earth anybody thinks that is a good idea, but the governor has the power in this situation.

school is canceled for the rest of the year, meaning that i have to finish my junior year online. i’m disappointed that i have to miss prom and seeing my friends (especially kai), but i think it’s for the best. nobody expected covid-19 to be this big of a deal, or for the quarantine to last this long. the day before schools closed, my apush teacher, mr. church, told us that he thought the situation was “blown out of proportion” and i quote: “there’s no way that school is going to be canceled.” even when schools closed, we were originally supposed to be back in school by march 30! here we are, a month later, and there’s no end in sight for this crisis.

trump is being absolutely useless, and even detrimental to the effort to contain the virus. he his early information about the virus, and didn’t bother to take precautions, leaving the country unprepared. by the time of the first case, it was hopeless. this week (or last week... time is all running together right now), he actually suggested in a press conference that a way to prevent/cure coronavirus would be to inject bleach/disinfectant into the body, or to illuminate the body from the inside with a uv light to kill the virus. both of these options as said by trump (uv light actually does have some merit to it, but it is in an entirely different context than trump suggested, and still in developmental phases) would be fatal, and aren’t even a solution to the main issue at hand: containing and controlling the spread of the virus.

in my opinion, new zealand has it down. i only know about it because amanda palmer is quarantined there, but they’re getting close to the end of 5 weeks of near complete lockdown. people are not allowed to leave their houses or visit non-immediate family members at all, and parks and public spaces are closed. while it does seem a little like an overextension of governmental power, it’s working. new zealand only has 1,476 total cases. thanks to prime minister jacinda ardern, the entire country has fewer cases than mecklenburg county. yes, new zealand only has a population of about 5 million, while mecklenburg county has 1.1 million, it’s still impressive that a population five times the size has 100 fewer cases. i honestly wouldn’t mind temporarily giving up some of my civil liberties and democratic principles if it meant that covid-19 was knocked out and controlled.

the people who are protesting the lockdowns are quite frankly narcissistic idiots who cannot see past their own ego. yes, staying at home is difficult and boring, but it’s the only way that life has any sort of chance of returning to a form of normalcy. i don’t think things will be exactly the same, nor do i think they should, but i do want to be able to hang out with friends again. i do want to go to school and have my senior year. i do want to be able to move out and go to college when the time comes. the more people disregard reality and ignore social distancing, the longer life will be like this. the protesters are only making things worse for themselves, and the saddest part is that i don’t think they realize this.

i’m writing these letters to future me (that’s you, darcy!) so that i can have a document of my life from the pandemic. also, i want to be able to remember what being 17 was like when i’m older. i do keep a journal, but that’s more for songs, poetry, and breakdowns. screaming into the void of the internet just feels more Official to me. also, i can’t lose a blog. that’s the thing about the internet: it’s forever, for better or for worse.

i think that i will open each letter with a discussion of any updates about the pandemic, focusing mainly on concrete facts and statistics. these are important to document, and i wish i had been recording this from the beginning. maybe i will go back and create a timeline, but i’m not sure yet. that might just be a task for another sleepless night. after the corona rundown, though, i’ll go into my own experiences and thoughts about the events of my life. these will probably be in bullet-point form, since my mind has the tendency to jump around as if topics were trampolines. i don’t know how often i’ll write, but i will try to everyday. every letter won’t be as long as this one, that’s for sure, but i do tend to ramble on. i hope you’re not overwhelmed, darcy.

taking a much needed break from 2020, how’s your life at the moment? i don’t know how old you are, but i’m assuming that you’re in college at the very least. are you and kai still together? i hope so. i really do love them. have you come out to the family yet? have you changed your name legally yet? i need to do that before my college graduation, because i want my degrees to be in My Name. the thing is, i’ll need to come out to change my name, and that is an issue i don’t really care to think about at the moment. how did that go? was it as bad as i expect it will be? have you started t? besides transitioning, how is your academic and career life? i hope to go to the university of texas at austin and double major in physics and music theory and composition. did that happen? if it didn’t, where did you go to school, and did you stick with the course of study i mentioned? i can’t really imagine studying anything else, to be honest. physics and music theory are two of the most intimidating and difficult subjects there are, and they also happen to be my favorite subjects. i love being challenged mentally, and i also like being seen as intimidating. imagine: a punk, non-binary, queer physicist who also writes and performs music. is there anything more intimidating than that? i aspire to be the “scary kid in your physics class.” i want to be an exception.

i’ve written so much already, but i do have quite a bit to get off my chest. yesterday was a weird day, and i couldn’t sleep at all last night, so here we are. this is what being 17 is like:

it is 6:15 am, and i have stayed up all night.

i was planning on getting a lot of work done, but instead i wasted time listening to amanda palmer and browsing the internet.

my dad thinks i took my sleeping pill, so i need to stay quiet in my room until at least 10:00 tomorrow morning so he doesn’t get suspicious.

kai called me today, but only for 15 minutes. they are a month behind in school, and will only get their phone back once they are caught up. i don’t know when that will be, but i am preparing for the worst.

i identify as androgyne, meaning in between man and woman. recently, i stopped feeling like i was faking, though. instead of worrying that i was making it all up in my head, i’ve become confident that i am Androgyne. it makes sense. it always has made sense. when i was little, i asked my father if it was possible to be “half-girl, half-boy,” and i would tell people that about myself. just because i like glitter and riot grrrl doesn’t make me a girl. i am an enby.

this is the song of the night:

i realized today that i have not left the house (excepting switching between mother’s/father’s) in an entire month. at the beginning of this lockdown, i was struggling, but i feel like i’ve adjusted more or less. this feels normal, now. i don’t feel like i’m missing something from my daily life.

10 days clean :)

my sleep schedule is fucked up. dr. kissam has put me on a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, and a sleep medicine as well as my anxiety meds because she’s concerned by my bipolar tendencies. my manic phases have gotten more intense and happen more often now, and my down phases have gotten worse than they have in a long time. i started hurting again, but i’m trying to stop. i think i have a handle on it now. i did give myself two stick and pokes on monday night, though... does that count? i don’t think so.

i have the deathly hallows on my ankle, and the androgyne symbol on my left middle finger. it looks more like an anchor or a dandelion though. :/ i like them anyways, because they are Mine. My body. My decisions. I Am My Own Person.

during the call today, i felt like kai was distancing themself from me. i don’t know if i’m overthinking a 15 minute chat, but they didn’t seem like their usual clingy, lovey self. i’m worried that they’re going to decide they don’t want to be with me anymore during this time that they are off their phone, but i know that it’s just anxiety. overthinking is my enemy. kai loves me. i love them. we are in a healthy, stable relationship (for the first time in my life!!). they aren’t going to decide to leave me out of the blue.

the song for the kai situation:

sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i could just focus on school like a normal person. i have good grades, but i am a Very Chaotic student. if i could just sit down and complete assignments at a normal pace and with consistent motivation, what would i be able to achieve? would i be in a bunch of service organizations? would i be on student council? who knows?! i am darcy, and i am tied for valedictorian while never doing my homework. i don’t know how i do it either.

i’ve decided that i don’t like my confirmation name (octavian) as my middle name. i want to take my dad’s middle name, lamont. darcy lamont wheeler. it’s a super cool name, and it has Significance. our family is directly descended from the lamont clan in scotland. it’s also my grandmother’s maiden name, which i feel like makes sense because my dead middle name was her middle name. poetic justice. symmetry. i have come full circle.

hi! my name is darcy lamont wheeler.

darcy means “dark one.” i really, really like that. i like thinking that i am connected to the somewhat dark and eccentric. like the dresden dolls, or disturbing short stories. darkness adds complexity. nuance. background.

my favorite short story is “i have no mouth & i must scream” by harlan ellison. it is so completely terrifying, so beautifully disgusting, so brilliantly bizarre, so disturbingly ominous, and i have never read anything else that has come close to comparing. i love science fiction, especially dystopian ideas about technology advancing past the point of no return. it’s crazy to me that what could be considered mankind’s greatest achievement is so close to being our downfall.

everybody is awake now, and i hear them in the kitchen. i wonder when i stopped wanting to be awake. matthew and brianna seem to wake up as early as they can and fight bedtime until the absolute limit, as if they want to maximize the hours that they have each day. each morning is a new chance for fun. they don’t seem to resent life yet. i would rather be asleep instead of conscious most of the time. days are uniformly boring and miserable, with the rare diversion. why would i want them to be longer than they have to be? is this depression or is this just growing up? i can’t even tell anymore.

i missed amanda palmer’s birthday livestream yesterday, so i’m going to watch it today. two hours of her and her quarantine buddies sounds like heaven. this woman’s music quite honestly saved my life, and she is the epitome of badass!! i love amanda palmer. i wish i could write songs like she can.

on the topic of the dresden dolls, i asked brian viglione, the drummer, to “prom” as a pretense to ask him about his experiences as a musician, and for advice about how to develop my music. against all the odds, he accepted, so now, on may 9th at 8:00 pm, i am going to facetime with Brian Viglione, drummer for the dresden dolls and the violent femmes, among many others. life? made. i still can barely believe that this is actually happening!!

i came out to my english class, including ms. blaylock on tuesday. everybody reacted really well, and in that class at least, i get to go by my name and use my pronouns. i honestly couldn’t believe that i had the balls to tell anybody besides kai’s family, but i did, and it actually went well! the fact that there are people calling me darcy makes me so happy that i can’t even put it into words. it’s validating. i am darcy. not just when i’m by myself, but in real life. i am darcy.

is it weird that i’m not crippled by kai’s absence? i used to be an unproductive tangle of anxiety whenever mary was out of touch, even for a few hours. i was constantly worried that she was going to hurt herself, or that she was going to leave me. the thing is, even though i am in love with kai and i only thought that i loved mary because she was the first girl i was with, i don’t miss them to the point that i can’t function. i don’t think about them 24/7. i do miss them at times, and i cannot wait until we can talk again, but it’s not an all-consuming thing. i can go through my entire day without talking to them, no problem. night time is a little harder, but that’s because night is always when i go down spirals and rabbitholes. maybe this means that our relationship is healthy? co-dependency is a bad thing, i know, but i don’t know what a healthy relationship feels like since the only other experiences i’ve had (jack, mary, saanchi, rachel) have all been toxic in their own way.

one thing i have learned with kai is the importance of boundaries in a relationship. just because i love everything about them doesn’t mean that it’s healthy for us to share everything. there was a time where we were both in dark places and hurting, and when they shared what they did, it would set me off. the same went for them, i was using them as a journal too often, and the emotional burden had started to affect them. we had a conversation about this though, and established clear lines that we will not cross. it felt good to figure that out. i felt mature, looking out for my own needs and respecting kai’s. isn’t that how a relationship should work?

i love kai.

i’ve written a SHIT-TON. i think this is enough for now, but i might write another letter today. this was cathartic, and i feel like i’ve processed some shit as well as made a record for the future. i hope you weren’t bored or overwhelmed by my novel, darcy. i’m just writing what i feel is important, and i hope it’s still important to you.

signing off,

darcy lamont wheeler

[fancifulwhump]

if you want to write for game of thrones... maybe something with theon, pretty please? like i know he suffers a lot in the show already, but consider --- surviving getting stabbed by the night king? a slow recovery? maybe throw in some emotional angst? there’s soooo much to play with there but i'd love to see him hurting

AN:  you and i are of the same mind, sweet anon.

Time slips through his fingers in the moments after the king of ice spears him through. In those hazy, half-conscious eternities, Theon Greyjoy is certain he’s died.

He’s imagined death a thousand times, in a thousand different forms, and none of them have ever felt like this. This… hurts less than he expected. After that initial burst of pain — not even agony, not when his standards have been set so high — it doesn’t hurt at all, really. The cold fills him up, spreading from the ice spear through every vein, every limb, and it’s all he can feel. No pain. Just cold. He lands on his side, the snow cushioning like a blanket between his body and the frozen ground; a shuddering exhale escapes his mouth, and if it is his last breath, at least it’s a painless one.

But he doesn’t die. He doesn’t, and that is the inconceivable thing — because after all this time, Theon would welcome the god of Death like an old friend.

He has seen him before, looming in the shadows of the old cell. He’s tasted him in the blood flooding his mouth after yet another tooth is torn from its base, half-rotted from malnutrition already. He’s heard him echoed in the wails of dying girls, in the roar of soldiers in battle, in his own wordless agonies. Death has caressed him, leaving scars scattered along his body, like broken glass littering a polished floor. Death has reached inside and pulled everything he was out, leaving him hollow, fumbling in the dark to find those lost pieces again.

He still hasn’t pieced them all back together. That’s the saddest thing, he thinks in those hazy moments, all the life in his body bleeding out into the snow. He’ll never get the chance, now.

Not that it was ever possible, but he’d been trying. With every step, every breath, every loyalty declared and held to like a vice… it was all atonement for the sins of a dead man. The dead aren’t meant to come back to life, and it’s said they don’t come back whole. Theon knows this truth intimately. But fighting for something was a reason, a purpose, and it made him almost feel alive again.

Fighting to protect Bran Stark was loyalty, yes… but it was also his personal atonement.

You’re a good man, Theon.  

The words echo in his head, a lullaby easing him down into darkness. He clings to them like a lifeline, a flame in the darkness. It was exactly what Theon needed to hear. Exactly what it took to send him to his death without a moment of hesitation. Theon isn’t a fool; Ramsey tortured his dignity out of him, and much more besides, but he couldn’t take his memories. He’s not too blind to see that whatever returned to Winterfell after all those years, wearing Bran’s face and speaking in his voice, is not really Bran Stark. He is not the boy who used to cling to Theon’s shoulders, shrieking with laughter; he’s not the child with a spark in his dark eyes, who reached for the sky and never stopped climbing. He is not the child who clung to his quiet dignity, but still pleaded, betrayal like an open wound across his face, as Theon claimed Winterfell for his own…

You’re a good man, Theon.  It’s redemption, but is it really forgiveness? Is there enough of Bran Stark left to forgive?

Better question — was there enough of Theon Greyjoy left to deserve it?

The cold bores through his armor, into his skin. Is that possible? So cold, it’s all so cold… he exhales, a metallic gurgle in the back of his throat causing him to spasm. The spear is still in him, but it does not hurt. The wight king has moved on, discarding him as yet another frozen corpse, and he is not afraid. The pain is nothing, but the cold…

Theon closes his eyes and whimpers. Gods, he doesn’t want to die in the cold.

It’s taking too long. He’s not aware of much around him, only the sound of battle far, far away. Somewhere beyond that, he can hear a woman singing — a crooning sea hymn in a language he no longer recognizes, but that resounds in his bones like old memory. No longer in control of his body, he feels, rather than makes himself spasm. A thin stream of blood trails from the side of his mouth.

When will the lights go out for good? When will the cold fade away?

Theon dozes, and in the sparse seconds of consciousness he wonders… but there is nothing to hold onto, and he feels himself fade.

In the last moment of awareness before the lights burn out, he hears a voice from above him, calling from somewhere far away.  Theon,  it says, and caresses his face.  Theon…

                ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Waking up is the last thing he expects. A bit disappointing, really.

Not in the least because he’s still impaled straight through.

His first reaction is panic — a gurgle, a gasp, limbs spasming with adrenaline instead of energy. His hand twitches for the spear, but he is as good as paralyzed. Conscious, but unable to move; awake, but not alive.

“Theon, Theon —”

For a moment, he’s certain it’s the voice again, calling him back into darkness… but a cold hand snags his attention, forcing the panicked gaze to clear from his vision. Sansa’s face is snow-white, yet her eyes sparkle like blue diamonds; they brim with pure relief. Theon cannot remember the last time the Lady of Winterfell smiled. Even as a little girl, Sansa’s smiles were polite and restrained, showing no teeth and too little feeling. Now, she hardly ever does it at all. The sight of Sansa’s mouth pulled up, even as she echoes his name again, leaves him wondering if he has not died after all.

Then the pain hits, all at once — and the cold. He moans aloud, but is hardly aware of it. His veins have long since turned to ice, but only now that he is aware of the fact does it hurt; he cannot breathe, cannot think past the pain radiating through his entire body. The spear is still in him, straight through his chest, even if his armor has been cut away. He feels lighter, but not light enough. How can he die if this thing is still pinning him to the earth?

“C-can’t—“ His voice cuts off in another groan, hand twitching towards the spear again. Sansa hushes him, laying both hands atop his own — to reassure, he thinks fleetingly, before realizing she is holding him down.

“We cannot take it out now. You’ll bleed to death.”

He’s quite certain he’ll bleed to death anyways, because impalement tends to do that. And the cold  ---  gods, it’s so cold, can’t she feel it  ---

“You’re going to be alright. The maester says that once you have been moved again —”

“M- m-moved?”  There, at least. A word. With meaning behind it. It’s a greater achievement than incoherent moaning, even if the full-body shudder that wracks him a moment later somehow undercuts it.

For the first time, Theon becomes aware of his surroundings… and this is the greatest shock of all. Gone are the weirwood trees, the blood-stained snow and ring of corpses. Gone is the crowd of wights; gone is Bran, serene in his wheelchair as Death descends. They are in a hall, and it is crowded. People are weeping. People are bleeding. But they are alive.

Injured, but alive. The full realization of his own condition hits him all at once, like a blow to the head in sparring practice; he is floored and sent reeling, into a pain-stricken haze. The cold sweeps up and swallows him, stealing the question from his lips. All Theon can manage is a groan, staring up at Sansa as if she is the only thing between him and the abyss.

“How much does it hurt?” Her voice is focused, like ice beneath a layer of soft snow. Sansa is always at her best when given something to manage, and Theon’s prolonged survival appears to be her focus of the moment. When Theon can’t quite bring himself to reply — quite a fucking lot, actually — in anything but a strangled moan, Sansa doesn’t wait for anything else. For a few brief seconds, she vanishes; when she returns, it is with a vial of amber liquid that tastes like cat piss when she forces it past Theon’s bloodstained lips.

Almost immediately, the currents of pain radiating from the spear in his chest fade away, going numb and distant. In a moment, his mind has gone the same way. The world blurs at the edges, rippling like water; when he tries to form words again, past still-chattering teeth, all he can manage is a slurred murmur.

Sansa’s hand moves to his jaw, his cheek, his face. “You’re going to be fine,” she says again — as if the more times she repeats it, the truer it must be.  Is she reassuring him or herself? Her hand sweeps across his brow, smoothing away sweat-soaked curls — how can he  possibly  be sweating, when everything is so bloody cold?  — and he catches a flash of agony in her gleaming eyes.

“You’ll be fine,” he means to say. “We both will. Haven’t we always come out fine before?”

Except he does not even get the chance to lie, for in seconds, he is swept down into darkness once again. This time, the cold swallows him.

               ------------------------------------------------------------------------

When he wakes again, it is to utter silence. The reflection of flames dance across the stone ceiling, casting the room in a hazy glow. Something is soft beneath him, a pillow cradling his head and a blanket pulled up past his waist. Theon’s first priority is checking to see if he’s still got a spear sticking out of him.

No spear. That’s probably a good thing.

He is bound with a mass of bandages so thick that they may as well be a suit of armor. When he tries to move, he finds it impossible; even breathing is constricted, with how tightly the maester has bound him. Some oft-ignored common sense warns Theon that testing these precautions will lead to move trouble than they’re worth.

Instead, he goes still, lying back against the pillow and blinking up at the ceiling. Warmth trickles back into his body — slowly, at first, then in waves once he finally becomes aware of it. He can feel his fingers again… wiggle his toes… his veins no longer flow with ice water instead of blood. Oh, what a privilege it is to feel warm again.

With as much energy as he can summon, he turns his head. There, straight-backed and braced against the arms of her chair, is Sansa.

She does not appear surprised to find him awake; nor does she betray her relief, but Theon knows her too well. Exhaustion weighs down her proud shoulders, smudging dark circles around her eyes, but she has stayed rather than retire to her own chambers. She has stayed all this time for him.

“H-how —“ he croaks, before breaking off into hoarse, shallow coughs. Sansa moves quickly, bringing a cup of water to his lips before he can disturb the bandages.

The water is such a relief — not too cold, not too bitter. Perfect. With a shallow gasp, Theon settles back against the pillow once more, nodding his gratitude for the aid. “How long,” he can finally manage, “has it been?”

Sansa is quiet for a long moment; in that silence, the weight of her exhaustion pushes down, smothering them both. “Three nights,” she replies at last. “The bodies…there are so many…” Her gaze flickers downwards for only a second, then up again, the composed lady once more. “We have many pyres left to build. Yours thankfully will not be among them.”

He’s still processing that fact, himself. Hasn’t quite managed it. Tentatively, Theon raises a hand — and being able to move on his own again is a great sign — and places it gingerly over the bandages. “I’m more surprised than anyone else. When I fell…” he cannot quite finish the sentence. Each second of that awful battle-that-wasn’t replays in his head, as vivid as the heartbeat in which it happened. He still tastes his own fear, sees the Night King’s merciless eyes, feels the spear shatter his armor…

“I know,” Sansa says softly. “I did too.”

Theon’s ragged breaths cut off as quickly as they began. He looks over at her, and is shocked by the sight that greets him —- the Lady of Winterfell with tears in her eyes, looking more vulnerable than he has seen her in a lifetime. Crying over him, he realizes, an unpleasant jolt rippling through his body — more unpleasant than being stabbed, actually. Enough Stark tears have been shed over his actions in the past; Sansa shouldn’t be crying over his death as well, especially considering he didn’t bloody die.

Wordlessly, Theon reaches over and clasps her hand. He yearns to do so much more — to draw her into his arms and reassure her that he is here, she is not alone — but a sharp twinge in his chest assured him that this is a bad idea. Instead, all he can do is lace his fingers with her own, and it must be enough.

Sansa squeezes back. Slowly, they become sure of each other once more.

“Bran,” he says after a moment, desperation stirring beneath the surface of his voice.

“Arya,” Sansa replies, a huff of pride. Theon leans his head back against the pillows and cannot help chuckling, much as it hurts.

“Of course.”

Somehow, they all made it through. Despite all the odds — and whatever Theon believes should have happened, even if he’s so desperately, unexpectedly relieved that it didn’t — they’ve survived to see another day. He has never been happier to be alive than in this moment, with warmth filling him like sweet wine, a spear wound straight through his chest, and his dearest friend watching over him.

If he cannot give his life to protect House Stark, then clearly the gods demand more. Even  he has truly atoned for his sins — and Theon is not sure, but he prays,  prays  that he has — perhaps there are things he may yet do for his family.

[chokememrstark]

A Chance // Starker

Words: ~ 1,8k

Summary: When Tony meets the kid for the first time, it’s under very unfortunate circumstances and he doesn’t think he will ever see him again. That is, until about a year later the very same boy comes to his tower, surprising him more than he expected.

Warnings: mugging, fluff, caring!tony, homeless!peter

Note: Just a random little fic I wrote a while ago. Probably more irondad than anything else, but we all know what’s gonna happen eventually, don’t we?

The first time Tony met the boy, it was at gunpoint. He walked home, minding his own business and suddenly heard a demanding voice behind him and felt the cold metal press against his skull.

“Your money, now!”

Being robbed or mugged wasn’t really something Tony was used to - and if anyone dared, he usually made sure to keep his money and a few teeth from the one trying shit with him, but for some reason, he didn’t this time. Instead he reached into his pocket and pulled his wallet out, handing it over.

“Just take it, but don’t shoot,” he said calmly, his hands still up.

The wallet was taken almost frantically and after a few seconds he heard a quiet ‘Oh shit’ - obviously when whoever robbed him opened it to check how much money he got. Tony couldn’t help the smirk and when he was handed his wallet back - which was surprising enough - he felt the gun to his head lower. But, instead of leaving, the one who just robbed him just stood there, so long that Tony eventually turned around to look at him. And when his eyes fell on the boy that stood behind him, nearly sobbing over the bundle of money in his hand, Tony felt something in his chest tighten.

“You okay, kid?” he asked, not quite sure what to do otherwise.

The boy who robbed him was a child, nothing else fit. Thirteen, maybe fourteen, Tony knew the kind usually. They were runaways, drug addicts, looking fucked up beyond anything. But this one was different. The kid looked like he couldn’t harm a fly and for a moment, Tony wondered if the gun was actually real or not, but that didn’t matter right now, did it? No, the kid was close to tears and somehow that got to him.

“Hey, it’s fine,” he said with a smile. “You can have it, it’s all good. I have more where that came from.”

At this, the boy finally looked up and Tony’s breath hitched for a moment. He looked into the saddest and most innocent doe eyes imaginable, tears in the corners that were ready to fall any second. Tony feared the boy would actually burst into tears any moment and he didn’t want that.

“Come on, I really don’t mind,” he said quickly, for whatever reason patting the boy’s shoulder. “You need it more than I do, kid. Just… try to find a way to do it without that thing.” He nodded towards the gun in the boy’s hand, cracking a weak smirk. “Not good if you meet the wrong guy, you know?”

The kid looked at him for a moment longer and Tony almost thought he saw relief in his eyes, before he turned around and ran as fast as he could. Tony didn’t see him again for quite some time.

The next time he crossed the boy’s eyes it was nowhere other than his own home - or rather, at the Stark Tower, which really made no difference in the end. He just came back from his nightly patrol through the area when he got the message from Jarvis.

“Sir, you have a visitor waiting for you.” Toy blinked confused as he got out of his suit. A visitor? It was past ten, who the hell would be visiting now apart from Pepper and Pepper never needed his permission to enter?

“Who is it?” Tony asked as he walked across the landing platform slowly.

“A young man named Parker, sir. I told him you were out, but he insisted to wait for your return.”

Parker? Tony never heard that name before. What on earth could some random guy want from him at this time of the day?

“Did he say why he insists on seeing me?” he asked curious, but Jarvis was not much of a help.

“I’m sorry, sir. He simply insisted that meeting you is essential and made it clear that he is willing to wait.”

“Fuck,” Tony growled as he stepped into the penthouse and immediately got himself a drink. Situations like this never turned out good, he had enough experience to know that. “Where is he?” he finally asked, putting the glass to his lips.

“In the elevator, sir,” Jarvis informed him nonchalantly. “He’s been there for an hour now.”

Great, a stalker! Could this day turn any better?

“God, let him in. I’ll listen to what he wants and then throw him out again,” Tony growled and emptied his glass in one go without even realizing it. “Ten in the fucking evening, as if there’s not a better time, Jesus Christ…”

Tony expected the worst, literally, but what he didn’t expect was the young man that stepped out. He was actually frozen for a moment because he recognized that face. It’s been almost a year, but he wouldn’t forget it, never. There wasn’t even a single question in his mind when he walked towards the boy and pulled him into his arms. Why? He had no idea, but it felt like the right thing to do. When he let go, the kid looked even more scared than before when he stepped into the penthouse and Tony felt his heart ache.

“I expected to see anyone but not you,” he said a bit awkwardly, flashing the kid a smile. It took a long moment before the other even looked up and when he did, he had a similar sad look on his face as the first time.

“I hope I don’t bother you, sir,” he said quietly and wrung his hands. “I just… came to thank you.”

“For what?” Tony asked, sending a wave of confusion over the boy’s face.

“You… you remember me, right?” he asked carefully, almost as if he had walked into the wrong billionaire’s tower on accident.

“Sure do,” Tony said with a smile. “I told you to be more careful with your toy, didn’t I?”

The kid blushed and bowed his head, but eventually nodded. “I… I was…” he admitted quietly. “I thought I was dreaming but… I wasn’t. You helped me a lot, sir.”

Tony’s smile softened and he stepped up to the boy, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Tell me about it,” he said in his most friendly tone, his confusion and anger barely there anymore now. He led the boy over to the couch to sit him down before getting them both something to drink - a whiskey for himself and a coke for the kid. “What happened after you made my wallet a bit lighter?”

The boy blushed even harder at this, refusing to look up. “I never wanted to do that, really,” he started ashamed, turning the can of coke in his hands nervously. “I just… didn’t know what else to do. I was hungry and cold, no one wanted to help me… and then I met you.”

Tony’s chest tightened once more. This poor kid. Luckily he did meet him and not some psycho. How much worse could things have turned in that case?

“Were you able to use the money you got from me?” Tony asked and the kid nodded.

“I… I got a room for a week, at a cheap pension. Still expensive, but I could sleep and shower and… eat.” He swallowed hard at the last word, as if eating wasn’t on his daily schedule during that time.

“Got no family?” Tony asked carefully and the boy shook his head slowly. “Yeah, me neither,” Tony sighed. “Sucks making it on your own.”

“Yeah,” the boy said and sighed. “I had like… nine hundred bucks from you left? I tried to get as far as possible with it. And then… I got my scholarship.”

“Scholarship?” Tony asked curious, raising a brow. For the first time, the kid’s face lit up and he turned his head.

“MIT,” he said, not without a hint of pride in his voice. “Full scholarship, no additional payments apart from living.”

“Shit,” Tony hissed and his eyes widened. That was something! “You got enough for that?”

“No,” the boy smiled sadly and then let out a disappointed laugh. “But that’s not why I’m here, not at all. I wanted to thank you… for giving me some hope back. I would’ve never gotten this scholarship without you and even if I can’t accept it, it’s nice to know I’m not all worthless.”

“The hell you won’t accept it!” Tony said strictly, a serious expression on his face. The kid looked up confused and slightly intimidated. “You got a scholarship for MIT? You’re fucking going there! They don’t give out these things to nobodies, if you don’t go you’ll never forgive yourself!”

“I’d love to, but as I said, I can’t pay for a room on campus or any other and it’s… a bit shitty to live on the street while going to college, you know?” The boy shrugged as if it was nothing, but for Tony it surely wasn’t.

“Jarvis, get someone to prepare the guest room,” Tony said sharply and then eyes the kid for a moment. “And fill the wardrobe. Size M, anything that screams ‘I’m gonna fuck the MIT up’.”

“Of course, Sir,” Jarvis replied, a disembodied voice that obviously startled the kid.

“What are you doing?” he asked shocked, staring at Tony as if he had lost his mind.

“You got a scholarship for the MIT and no place to stay?” Tony asked and the kid nodded slowly. “Well, congrats. You just found one. No additional costs, unless you touch my stuff. I won’t let you waste such an opportunity just because you don’t know where to live.”

“But… you don’t know me.” The kid looked at him with wide eyes, unable to process what was happening right now. “I… I robbed you!”

“Kid, I’m Iron Man,” Tony said and gave the boy an amused smirk. “I could have stopped you within seconds. And I’m not gonna let some bad luck destroy the future of someone who deserves so much better.”

There was a long moment of silence before the boy threw himself at Tony and hugged him tightly, sobbing against his chest. All Tony could make out were the words ‘Thank you’ and ‘I don’t deserve this’, but it was enough for him to pat the kid’s back and smile warmly.

“You deserve this chance and so much more,” Tony assured him and rubbed his hand over the kid’s back. “Just don’t waste it, okay? You obviously got the brains, now show me that I’m not being a dumb fool for believing you can use that potential.”

“I won’t, I promise I won’t!” the boy sobbed and somehow, that made Tony feel a bit warm on the inside. Yes, this kid had a bright future ahead of him, he just needed some help. And Tony would happily provide it. After all, who didn't need a bit of support sometimes, right? And he really liked the kid. Who knew, maybe the way they ran into each other could lead to something good in the end.