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tarotbydelilah444 · 2 months ago

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pac: your first night with your future spouse

hi guys! I am back with another pac reading. I am super grateful for 700+ followers and wanted to give you guys a quick and spicy pac reading as a thank you. anyways I hope you all enjoy and as always sending you love & light.

- Delilah 🤍

P1 : ace of cups + nine of pentacles + eight of swords + the wheel

I pick up that your future spouse wants to spoil you and satisfy your every want, need, and desire on your first night together. There is a profound love that the two of you have for one another, you and your person share a past life connection which explains why there is a strong and magnetic chemistry brewing between you and your person on your first night. Your person absolutely values, adores, and respects you deeply and they want to shower you in all their love in a romantic, and obviously in a sexual sense. There is a sense of impatience that is coming from your partner, but it mostly because they want you so badly, but will try their best to restrain themselves and be gentle with you. This may be someone’s first time, or your person just want to ensure that you are comfortable and take their sweet and precious time to explore every inch of you. There will be a lot of intense eye contact going on between you and your fp, staring into each other’s soul the entire time. This is definitely a weakness for both of you because I see that both of you will be aroused the entire time from the level of intensity and sexual tension present in that moment. The sex will begin with an intermission, so expect lots of sweet and tender kisses all over each others’ body. you and your future spouse will take turns tasting each others plentiful juices that will have you screaming, moaning, crying, and cursing their name from all the pleasure that they are giving you and vice versa (they will be so turned on by this and how wet/ hard you get for them). Your person may also desire to give you backshots as well. The sex will be sensual and slow, yet very tender & passionate. Like I stated previously, your person wants to take their time exploring every inch of you, so be prepared for a long night of lovemaking. This is more than just a night of passion for your person, they want to merge with you, as they want your souls to be intertwined in this moment and forever. They truly do love you and want to satisfy you, not only a physical level, but a metaphysical level. They will want to see everything, they want you to bare yourself to them and they will do the same. They will be very attentive to you, making sure you feel comfortable and satisfied at the same damn time, often paying attention to your facial expressions, body language, movement, and noises you make as they rock your world. It will definitely be an emotional experience for the both of you, but specifically for you in a good way. For some, you and your fp first night together may occur in or near a body of water (shower, bath, pool, hot tub, rain, ocean, beach, etc). I see you and your person being unable to keep your hands to yourself, so you can definitely expect to go for a couple more rounds in every position conceivably possible that could may lead to the two of you conceiving, or until you both collapse in each others arms from all the sweet and pleasurable love-making.

extra messages: March, summertime, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Libra, Virgo, Taurus, 7th house, 2nd house, and 6th house, in my feelings, August, very soon, “ I don’t care if we get caught”

channeled songs :

youtube

P2: five of swords + queen of pentacles + the world + nine of swords + two of cups

Okay… so there is a need for someone to release their inhibitions, this could be either you or your future spouse. Someone could be afraid to allow themselves to be free when it comes to sex even though there is a burning desire that burns inside of you for your person or vice versa (apply it as you see fit). Your person wants you to fully surrender yourself to them and trust that they won’t hurt you and that you are safe with them. They want you to feel comfortable and confident in yourself to allow yourself the right to pleasure, but that can only happen with trust and vulnerability. I’m picking up that some of you may deal with insecurities when it comes to your body or even when it comes to the topic of sex. You may even be worried that your future spouse will judge you or that you won’t satisfy them, but I feel like some of these doubts are in your head (not to discredit your feelings), but I think you will be so in your head about your first night with them. Let me gas you up, your future spouse is even privileged to be in your presence and they will love every single thing about you and will reassure you that you are the most stunning woman that they have and will always love. Your person doesn’t judge nor will they criticize you, they love and respect you so much regardless of what you say or think about yourself. You are everything and more to this person and they would be more than honored if you allow them to show you exactly how loved and absolutely appealing you are to them. For others, I feel like some of you could feel too overwhelmed or shy to initiate your true desires to your person, yet I can sense that your person can sense this and will want to encourage you to step outside of your coyness and lay your burdens down. They know that deep down you are a freak, even though you come off as modest when you in these streets. If your partner is artsy, I see them wanting to paint you nude as their muse. The purpose is for you to see what they see from their perspective and to at least help ease your anxiety and worry. I’m also seeing a private show as well, so maybe your person might want you to dance for them and tease each other slipping each other clothes off one by one. Your person will be in awe of your body, like they see it as a masterpiece and work of art. It’s so appealing to them that they are almost eager to touch and kiss all over your beautiful body to make you forget all about your insecurities and worries. Your fp touches on your body will ignite all the hidden passions and desires you have been keeping locked away, it almost as if their touch has an intoxicating and powerful effect on your body, awakening it after a long hibernation. For some, your future spouse is more experienced than you in sex, so they will know exactly what they are doing in the bedroom and know exactly how to work your body (your person is packing) and want you to sit back and enjoy the pleasure. They will be very tender and intentional on how they touch you, so touching you in all the right places that will guarantee to make you weak and thirsty for more. They will lay you down and be nice, slow, and gentle with you, giving you sweet and passionate kisses, and talking you through the entire experience (giving words of encouragement) as they ease in and out of you. They love to hear you moan and coming undone as they pleasure you. Your person is most concern with your needs, as they want you to enjoy this moment to the fullest and let it all out, literally. By the end, you and your person may climax at the same time, this person may finish inside of you, they desire to have/build a family with you right away because they love you so much. Your person may even profess “I love you” or how much they love you during sex. This will definitely be a healing and transformative experience for you in a good way. I see that you will finally feel so free and pleased after sex with your person. You will feel like you are in a daze or you are in some type of trance after your first night with your person.

extra messages: Mea Culpa (movie), August, Cancer, Pisces, Scorpio, Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo, Aries, Leo, Sagittarius, springtime, June, birthday, next year, healer, creativity, honeymoon, self-sabotage, crown chakra (enlightenment), nothing was the same, “don’t run from me”

channeled songs:

P3: the tower + the devil + six of cups + ace of wands + the star + three of cups

The first half of this reading will be about the dynamic of your relationship with your future spouse. This reading is timeless. For those who choose this pile, your future spouse might be your current person or if you have recently reconciled with a love interest, this may be confirmation that this is the person that you will likely marry, so take it if it resonates. You and your future spouse could be twin flames, since I am seeing divine feminine and divine masculine energy in the reading. The love between the two of you is very strong and intense because the two of you mirror each other, the best parts and the worst parts of each other. You and your spouse are/were brought together in this lifetime to learn lessons and work through any issues that are presently affecting your connection which could explain why you and this person keep finding your way back to each other even after you have parted ways. I sense there is a runner and chaser dynamic between you and your person that will continue until the two are able to face and heal your own insecurities, traumas, and inner struggles to enjoy a loving and healthy union. One of you want to embrace the connection in all it’s entirety, and the other is choosing to run away and self-sabotage out of fear because they aren’t ready to accept and face themselves to be ready for this union, even though they love you and cannot deny the intensity this connection brings. There is or will be a period of separation between you and your person, but it will be very important for you both and for the betterment of the connection. It will allow the two of you to evolve and heal independently to come together to build a stronger and loving relationship, if both parties accept this connection in its entirety. The first night together will be hot, steamy, passionate, and raw to say the least. The sexual tension between you and your future spouse is so undeniably powerful that it will be hard for your person to resist themselves. I see black lingerie, so for some, you will be wearing lingerie and putting on a little show for them and this will immediately send them overboard and into a sex-crazed frenzy. Your fs will be exploding with lust that they have tried so tirelessly to tame and resist for so long and it will be evidently impossible for them to continue to resist the temptation to just tear your clothes off and end it all. Your future spouse has been waiting quite some time to have access to your body that they often fantasized all the things they want to do to you, whenever the opportunity presented itself. They fantasize about making you submit yourself to them. They want to taste you over and over again until you scream their name. They want to leave passion marks all over your body to show everyone that you are solely theirs and theirs alone. They want to tie you up and show you who’s in control. I sense that your person kept these fantasies to themselves because they didn’t want to scare you or mislead you to think that “sex” was the only thing they wanted from you, but now that they have the chance, they are ready to unleash their inner beast. For some, this may not be you and this person “first night” together, so maybe you and this person were intimate in the past, but this time will be different, it will definitely be better than the first time. Mind-blowing is the best word to describe your first night together. The sex between you and your person will be so much intenser, passionate, spiritual, emotional, and loving all at once. I see a lot of roughhousing, riding, long penetrative strokes, fondling, and fingering until you both come undone. You and your person could definitely experience a Kundalini awakening as you climax in unison. The first night together will definitely be a healing and transformative experience for you and your future spouse, that will only bring you closer together to never be broken again. channeled songs :

extra messages: June, October, 666, 10th house, 6th house, throat chakra, “ I like you,” September, February, solar plexus chakra, summertime, Taurus, November, divine masculine, player, Cancer, Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn, Scorpio, Aries, pregnancy, “nobody compares to you,” worn out

#Spotify #Youtube #pick a card tarot #tarot reading #tarotblr #tarotbydelilah444 #18+ readings #future spouse

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arcadia345 · 3 days ago

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❃Astrology observations❃

Masterlist

Not a real astrologer just my observations:)

❃ Aquarius moon femmes tend to be more masculine/tomboyish whether it be their personality or fashion sense they prefer loose fitting clothes. They have this nonchalantness/offstandish energy about them, they also are very sensitive and receptive to energies around them esp after one on one interactions but surprisingly do very well w online interactions💀they could feel like their personality shines brighter online than irl

❃ 12th ruler in 7th natal partners could have animosity towards you esp if you prefer men they tend to have secret intentions/lives

❃ Sagittarius in your natal chart is where you tell the best stories, and gemini can show where others ask for advice/tell their best stories to you(and lowkey try to impress you)

♐︎ in 1st -you ARE the story, there’s never a dull moment ,so many memories are made w you, many stories where you had to be reminded that your that GIRL/GUY✨ (esp by your guides)

♐︎ in 8th- they articulate their trauma very well, the ones that talk openly about their abuse, lots of near-death stories, surgery stories that they almost didn’t make it out of, thieving stories

♐︎ in 11th- the type to bring their friends into every situation/story, most likely to do the best story time vids online, their stories can be eye opening for the collective, people love when they predict the future, stories about the future/goals of humanity, evolution stories, stories about you gaining independence(just like 1st)

♐︎ in 12th- they love to hear about your dreams and conspiracies, they love when you talk about your insecurities and spill your own secrets, your paranormal experiences and things about past lives

♊︎ in 2nd- they love to tell you how hard they work for their assets, “You know I haven’t told anyone this but I feel like I can trust you.” They don’t mind telling you about their illegal activities, people have a tendency to think you took something from them, they come to you for advice on how to approach situations

♊︎ in 5th- the type to have kids come up to them and all their parents business (4th house also), the best childhood memory stories, people try to impress you w their sex stories , they come to you for advice on sex and love matters also, asking for your opinion w fashion & aesthetics, you make them want to try new things🥵

❃ Taurus in the 3rd/4th find it hard to leave their family/home

❃ Sending love out to Venus in Pisces/12th house natals y’all are what fairytales are made of🥺 just being in your presence is healing even tho they feel sometimes their deepness and devotion isn’t reciprocated at times idk who needed to hear this but your loving energy transcends the physical barriers you could do a lot of energy work on the other side w/o even realizing it esp while sleeping🧡

❃ I feel bad for Chloe because w that Gemini mars baby everybody always gonna think you doing too much😭 unti you don’t do enough & they’ll still be mad

Finding out Lil uzi has a Gemini mars sent me💀 it reminds of them vids of their security guard trying to keep up w them while they jump all over the place🕺🏽

❃ Sag moon children mom was in her hoe phase when u were conceived. Partying/traveling/drinking/learning was prominent for her at the time

Venus in natal can show you why others envy you

♀ in 2nd- they envy how consistently you upkeep yourself, they see how much money you put into yourself to look good, they hate how materially abundant you are, how easily you make money from your talents/assets, they envy your sugar daddy/baby energy

♀ in 4th- they envy how abundant your family/ancestry is, they envy your mom/your motherly skills, how easily you make a house feel like home, how rich your inner world is, your decoration sense, how easily you’ll be remembered after passing/leaving home, how easily you make money from home

♀ in 8th- they envy how easily others trust you esp w their money & possessions, how beautifully you shed your skin in transformations, sugarbaby placement, how magnetic you are, how easily people become obsessed w you, your way of love making/showing love/spoiling others or vise versa

♀ in 12th- a lot of people don’t even realize that they envy you/ subconsciously send you evil eye, you provoke their hidden desires(this place def has lots of people in their circle wishing on their downfall) they envy how content you are with yourself /and how you’ve healed yourself , your music taste

❃ Prominent Virgo in natal stay cleaning up other people’s 💩💀 like literally tho at some point in your life you’ve had to be some type of caretaker ie. animals, elderly, babies. But 💩 is more prominent/consistent in your life

But if ur a pet owner or caretaker in general you know that a lot of times the only way they can communicate what’s going on w their body Is through their bowel movements so it’s a blessing and a curse cuz it’s not like your obsessed with 💩 (unless👀) but you kinda have to be😭

❃ Every time I have prominent 8th synastry esp moon/mars we always have 🩸 sex eventually 🧍🏽‍♀️ they be feigning so bad for you that they can’t wait a few more days they need it now! But they always end up saying you put a spell on them like no bro u willingly put a spell on YOURSELF💀

❃ 7th house mercury could attract or prefer younger/pettie people or they are seen as such, also prone to have partners w prominent anxiety

❃ Eros/mars in Aries/cancer/scorpio in composite charts shows lots of crying during sex but for different reasons

Aries cries because ur f*cking/sucking them so good all they can do is take it like a champ and cry happy tears 🥲

Cancer cries because you truly touched their soul🥺 they never thought sex could be this satisfying and comforting at the same time (healing sex like Pisces)

With scorpio it’s kinda a mixture of both w sprinkles of trauma bonding✨

❃ Venus in 8th synastry- adoring eachothers beauty marks esp the house person @ Venus , the house person usually adores the Venus’s insecurities/stuff about themselves that they never picked up on which gives the Venus person a new prospective of their beauty

❃ Mercury synastry can tell you how you were first introduced/heard of each other

☿ in 8th- meeting while/before going through a transformational/traumatic period in your life, you could have problems w people owing you money or vise versa, catalyst for spiritual & sexual growth, meeting before/after having a major surgery

☿ in 9th- meeting through college/highschool,being introduced to/by a different ethnicity friend,meeting while traveling esp abroad, catalyst in spiritual journey, meeting through religious community

☿ in 4th- I have this w my mom while her ☿ is in my 1st so you could also share this w your parents, w cancer and Aries basically representing the womb her PUMPUM told her about me😂obvi she had no other choice but to learn about me I was coming weather she liked it or not😎 so w 1st house synastry I feel like they were kinda forced onto you they’re pretty hard to miss🥴with 4th her aunts/women in her family told her she was gonna have another baby before she even knew🤷🏽‍♀️

❃ Jupiter in 1st synastry -even the most stubborn person would hear planet person out w this placement 😏 Jupiter boost house persons ego/outlook on life, planet person just makes everything look good & exciting in house person eyes

❃ Pluto in 11th natal- unfriending someone could really feel like a divorce lmao telling people your not friends anymore and they react so crazy like “NO I NEVER WOULDVE THOUGHT💔💔💔” then splittng up your assets (friends/aspirations)

❃ Gemini Venus-girl next door vibe people watch through your window esp w some Pluto energy on your Venus, the song ‘She by Tyler the creator’ was made about us fr😭

❃ Taurus (2°14°26°)moons people think that they own you or that you’re some object they can use anytime they want whether it be your body or your possessions

Also having a Taurus moon could play out as feeling like you didn’t get the support that you needed in ur childhood, the type to have moms that say “I put clothes on your back, food on your plate, and a pillow to lay your head and you’re telling me I didn’t do enough for you??😠😤” like sorry I needed emotional support and understanding as a child that you couldn’t give me🥲 the mom could see the child as spoiled/ungrateful esp with harsh aspects on the moon, but they could also just feel like they have a right to your possessions esp if you live in the same house what is privacy?😀

❃ 6th house synastry is big on planning together,the type to count down the days till they get to see e/o 🥰

Now offering aura & synastry readings

That’s it for now, have a blessed day ✨

#follow for more #astro observations #capricorn #astro #fill my ask box #composite chart #composite #synastry #astrology transits #synastry chart #Jupiter #cancer #scorpio #8th house #1st house #12th house #Gemini #gemini venus #Taurus

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shrimpybbq · 1 month ago

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season 2 rafe with his gf & son

(p.s. their son is called Charlie!)

in season 2, so much is growing and changing for rafe and his little family

ever since rafe had come back from the tarmac with his father, something had changed in him, and his girlfriend noticed. he was always shifty and unfocused, and constantly in talks with his father behind closed doors. his ramblings never make sense to her, but all she can do is soothe him

gf is constantly caring for a mentally unwell rafe, making sure he eats and sleeps. she jokes that he's her second baby, but it's not far from the truth at that point

gf moves back into rafe's room shortly after sarah and john b 'died', and each night the couple sleep tightly intertwined. to rafe, his gf is his lifeline and he can't bear to be separated from her

rafe is aware that his gf is grieving sarah, and he does feel bad, especially when charlie asks for 'aunty sawah'

rafe is doing his best to step up for his family however, and he tries to be there as much as possible them. he starts helping out with meals more and spends his free time playing with his son and reading books to him, taking him out on the boat too

when ward asks rafe to come with him to the bahamas, rafe tells his gf straight away. she's reading in their bed when he comes in softly smiling and a little teary.

"Guess what, baby?" Rafe asked, only to receive a low hum in response, "my dad, uh, he wants me to come with him to the Bahamas tomorrow."

At that she looked up, wide eyed and shocked. "Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I-I know it's last minute but he said he needs me. You hear that - he needs me!" Rafe exclaimed, watching as his girl climbed out of the bed to wrap her arms around his waist. He felt the tension in his muscles relaxing at the feeling of her hands soothingly rubbing up and down his back.

"I told you he would come around, Rafe. You've been working so hard to prove yourself to him, and he sees it," she said, her voice muffled against his chest, "I'm proud of you."

when ward shows rafe the gold in the safe, all he can think about is being able to provide for his family. His heart feels warm and fuzzy when his dad praises him for looking after his own son, and he's just on top of the world in that moment

it all seems to come crashing down again so quickly and he's back in the obx with no gold, and a sister back from the dead. he comes back to tannyhill high on coke again and sweet gf gets so so mad at him

the couple have a bad fight, and then he has an argument with his dad, all culminating in rafe's meeting with sarah at the docks. gf is left alone with their son once again, feeling a sense of deja vu

she’s there when the police search tannyhill, scared and crying and clutching charlie tightly, his small babbles breaking her out of her stupor. the sheriff comes to ask her of rafe's whereabouts and she's just shocked and crying, having to be taken upstairs by rose as she mutters a stream of "no, no, no"

When Ward tells rafe to run, he only thinks about his family.

“No, no - I can’t leave them behind. I can’t go without them.”

“Rafe, give it a month or two and they can come join you, alright? It’s just for a while.”

gf being beside herself while rafe was in jail, rose and wheezie having to force her to eat and shower. she was so stressed and worried for him, knowing how fragile he was. she begs shoupe to let her see him, but is denied

after ward's death and rafe's release, his girlfriend is there to collect him from the police station. they're both sad about ward and gf comforts him as they watch ward's last video, hands clasped tightly together

when rafe learns that the cameron’s are in debt, he loses it. he can’t conceive the possibility their lives could change, and he especially can’t fathom the idea of not being able to provide for his girlfriend and son. he wants to be able to give them everything, especially when they have more children in the future like he plans

gf compliments his new clothes after he goes through ward's closet, telling him he looks handsome and like his father (his ego grows exponentially)

instead of rafe being interrupted by rose doing coke, it’s his gf, and though he gets mad initially, he’s soon sobbing into her embrace once again. he's just so sad and overwhelmed, but he'd never EVER dream of pulling a knife on his person

gf is spending most of her time in the cameron mansion, looking after little charlie, and watching over wheezie too

it's only once rafe frantically tells her they're all going to guadeloupe, does she start to realise that maybe the police had been correct in their suspicions

"Rafe... did you do it?" She whispered, her heart pounding so rapidly and with such vigour she thought it might rip from her chest. Rafe stilled above his luggage, his body frozen. His lack of response was answer enough.

"Oh my god," she cried, "You did! Why Rafe? Why would you do that to the Sheriff?"

Rafe turned around now, looking at his girlfriend pleadingly as she sobbed loudly, "I did it for us, ok? For you, me, and Charlie! To keep you safe - I did it for this family! Me! I kept us safe!" he yelled, his hands gripping tightly at her biceps. Rafe swore he felt a part of his heart break off at the scared look floating in her eyes, embracing her shaking frame tightly.

"It's gonna be all over soon, because we're gonna get on that boat and away from here, and everything is going to perfect. We're gonna be happy, ok?" He watched as she simply nodded against his chest, her tears soaking his grey jumper.

on the boat, gf sits with sarah comfortingly, both still in shock that ward was alive. ward had been so pleased to see his grandson, and she sat with the blonde toddler in her arms as he slept

“How can you be ok with this?” Sarah asked incredulously. She watched the girls face drop, her expression melancholic.

“I-I’m not, not entirely. But Sarah,” she began, “I have to do what’s right for Charlie, you know that. And Rafe, he and Ward promised that they would keep us safe, so I need to believe that, ok? I have to believe that,” she affirmed. Sarah noted it was almost like she was convincing herself as well, but not quite believing her words.

rafe coming to their shared cabin after speaking with an injured ward, crawling into bed and resting his head on her chest, sighing deeply as he feels her fingers run tenderly through his hair, silently crying after the days events, mumbling how much he loves her

gf battling her own thoughts and concerns, but knowing that as much as she is worried and scared, she could never leave rafe's side now - she was in way too deep. rafe was entirely dependant on his family and as much as she wished to pretend otherwise, rafe and their son made up her whole world

click here for pre-season 1 rafe, gf & their unborn son

click here for season 1 rafe, gf & their son

click here for season 3 rafe, gf & their son

click here for season 4 part 1 rafe, gf & their son

click here for the 18 month gap before season 4 rafe, gf & their son

(apparently season 2 happens over a two week period, and with all the things rafe is doing, realistically gf is alone with their son a lot of the time, so that's why most of these head canons are based off events)

#rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron fanfiction #rafe cameron headcanons #rafe cameron blurb #rafe x reader #rafe imagine #rafe x oc #rafe fic #outer banks x reader #outer banks imagine #outer banks headcanons #outer banks fanfiction #rafe cameron outer banks #high school gf! au #dad!rafe au #dad!rafe

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tarotwithavi · 5 months ago

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You have been blessed

What blessings are coming into your life/headed your way? How will they make you feel?

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

How to choose a pile?

Close your eyes and take a deep breath and ask the angels to show you the right pile for you and open your eyes. The first pile that catches your attention is the right pile for you.

Masterlist

Paid services

I have been scammed recently and am now in urgent need of money. Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

Pile 1

This might not be the blessing that you imagined, but this will be something that you actually need in your life. You will finally realize who is actually your friend and who is your foe. This is a blessing in disguise, so at first you may think, "Why is everything going downwards all of a sudden?" But after some time, you'll understand why it all happened.

If you have been having trouble finding a suitable career path for you, you no longer have to worry about this because I see that in the upcoming 2-3 months, you will be offered a job opportunity that will be the most suitable for you.

Some of you will get accepted into your dream college/university. Some of you may even get a full scholarship. If you have not applied to your dream college because of self-doubt, this is your chance to do so. You'll get a positive response.

One of your long-forgotten wishes is going to come true, and I got a vision of somebody dancing around in happiness, so this could be you.

Some of you will be receiving or giving someone a really precious gift. I see some gold jewellery.

July could be an important month for you.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

Pile 2

(some of you may resonate with pile 1)

Something that you have been working on for a really long time is going to come to fruition; you will finally get the rewards of your hard work. I feel like this is something that you started around 2020-2021.

Some of you will get to meet one of your online friends, or you could be invited to a celebration where some of your own friends will be present, and you will get to reunite with your old friends.

Achievement and success are the keywords for your next 4 months. Something that you have done at the beginning of this year will start giving you results now.

I see that some of you are manifesting your dream relationship, so you could meet your person within the next 3 to 4 weeks, and some could meet them within 3 to 4 months.

I do see that you guys have struggled a lot, and you guys have been through a lot of difficult situations, but I want you to know that the most difficult part is over, and things will start getting better from now on. You will no longer have to worry about your finances because I do see that you will be getting a lot of opportunities to make money.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

Pile 3

Somebody new is going to enter your life soon. This could be in the form of a pet or a baby because I do see that somebody could be giving birth soon, either you or somebody around you.

If you have been trying to conceive, you may get pregnant.

Some of you will get to travel to your dream place. This could be a place that you have always wanted to visit, and I feel like this could be a short trip. I am not seeing international travel, but this is a trip that will heal your soul.

I also see you having a lot of fun with your friends or family. Someone's birthday could be coming up, or you may get invited to someone's wedding. Either way, you will have a lot of fun, and you will meet really important people there or people that will have a significant role in your life in the future.

Some of you may have broken up recently, and you may be dealing with heartache right now, but I want you to know that this was also a reason, and you will meet somebody who will love you better and treat you better.

You are attracting a lot of good luck and good news. I also see some paperwork getting resolved or you getting results in your favor. You'll feel really blessed in the upcoming months that you may cry out tears of joy.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

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cupidlovesastro · 6 months ago

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𝒸𝑜𝓂𝓅𝑜𝓈𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒸𝒽𝒶𝓇𝓉- 𝓈𝒶𝓉𝓊𝓇𝓃 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓇𝑒𝓁𝒶𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓅 𝒻𝑒𝒶𝓇𝓈

1st house- you’re scared of what other people think of your relationship or how you guys look together

2nd house- your scared of your jobs affecting your relationship or routine, you may also be scared of your financial security. i can also see a fear of feeling you may not be enough

3rd house- your scared of communicating certain feelings/ thoughts. you may also be scared that your love language is different

4th house- your scared of each others family or meeting them, you could also be scared of becoming a mom or them being a mom. you may also fear for each others emotional wellbeing and how they take care of their self

5th house- your scared of love or loving each other, maybe from past trauma. you’re also scared of having children or have a hard time conceiving and fear for each others happiness

6th house- you fear for the healthiness of your relationship, or each others physical health. you can also fear not being useful to one another or add anything to each others life

7th house- you fear getting married or fear that the married life will be different. there can also be a fear of not being equal and sharing things

8th house- your scared of being intimate together, and becoming like the same person or having no individuality

9th house- you’re scared of religions and laws, which can mean you can have a hard time talking about it because it can get controversial. and you can be scared of what others think of you because of your different ethicities

10th house- you fear the reputation of your relationship and how you look to others. you can also be scared of fame or career getting in the way of your relationship

11th house- you fear the future of your relationship and possibly what your friends think or say about your relationship

12th house- you’re scared of your relationship ending and not healing in or from this relationship. you can also fear limitations getting in the way of your relationship and maybe not having your solitude

#astrology #astro community #astro posts #astro placements #astro observations #astrology stuff #astro notes #zodiac shit #astrology signs #astrology chart

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just-a-ghost00 · 3 months ago

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Predictions for the next 3 months

Pick your group based on your sun sign’s element. As a reminder, water signs are Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. Earth signs are Virgo Taurus Capricorn. Fire signs are Aries Leo Sagittarius and Air signs are Gemini Libra Aquarius.

Water signs

Predictions | White Numen, Queen of cups, 9 of cups, ace of cups, The Moon, 2 of wands

Well, water babies, it is safe to say that during the upcoming 3 months, you will be in your element. And that might be because Scorpio season is approaching. If you are a Scorpio sun, this time of the year will definitely be a good time for you. You will be going through a very creative and inspiring phase of your life and embody your highest divine feminine potential. Guided by your intuition and your dreams, you may be manifesting great opportunities, especially when it comes to partnerships. Information will be revealed to you during night time. You will be receiving downloads from your guides during this period to help you successfully plan your future. The energies look very positive for you. If you were struggling in your relationships lately, the energies will be soothed and you may enjoy your time with loved ones more. If you're in a romantic relationship, expect your partner to be more in tune with your needs and showing more affection. If you're single, you may be meeting a new romantic interest or receiving a romantic offer from someone you already met. Regarding your career, the energies seem to be working in your favor. You are going to move forward with a very soothing and nurturing energy, an assured step and creative mindset that will enable you to be efficient and well liked by your coworkers and audience. This is a very beneficial time for you, especially if you are a mother or are seeking to conceive a child, if you work with children, if your job involves being creative or nurturing others. Your positive attitude and motherly nature will work like a charm on others. During these months, self care is the master word. Though you may sometimes feel triggered or challenged, you will be able to astutely and skillfully manoeuvre your way through or around any obstacle, like a beautiful and powerful river.

Advice | Sodalite Deepen your intuition, Astrophyllite Unlock your highest potential, Larimar Slow your roll

You can work with the energies of the crystals mentioned above to help you navigate through the upcoming months. Most of them are of a blueish color. It is safe to say that wearing blue could also be beneficial to you as it will soothe your mind and heart, help clear your throat chakra and convey a feeling of trustworthyness to your partners. You are encouraged to deepen your intuitive skills through meditation or any other mean that gets you to look inward, like praying or doing a physical activity, going out in nature and so on. The energy of Sodalite will help you if you are planning for a project or if you are a producer. It is best used when you have a hard time decision making. Larimar will help you with anger management, especially when you feel like people's issues become yours. It is best advised if you tend to be hot tempered. Finally, Astrophyllite will be good if you need an extra dose of energy to work toward your divine purpose. It is mainly meant to boost your energy. During this time, you are encouraged to be kind to yourself and take time to slow down once in a while. It is important that you don't overwork yourself to keep a cool and sharp mind.

Group 2 - Earth signs

Predictions | 9 of cups, knight of cups, Hierophant, The Fool, The Moon, 2 of swords

Ooh Earth signs, love is in the air for you. That would be true especially if you are a Taurus sun. Are you planning on asking someone out? Or even proposing to someone? If that is your case, though you may feel anxious about it, I see a positive outcome to this situation. In general, I see a significant progress in romantic relationships for Earth sun signs. If you've been frequently day dreaming about a person, wishing to get closer to them, wondering if you should make a step forward and let your intentions be known, this is your sign to make a move. Career wise, I feel like the energies are overall in your favor. You will be taking a new turn in your career, especially if your passions and dreams are involved. This new phase may be a bit intimidating and confusing, for you are not sure where the path will lead. But your positive outlook on things and your passion and dedication will be your best assets in such a time. Your intuition will be a powerfool tool to help you navigate shallow and uncertain waters in all areas of your life. If you were hesitating on changing something regarding your work, this is your sign to do it confidently. You may often times find yourself caught up in your head and have a hard time translating your thoughts and visions into actions. In such times, a mentor figure could be helping you in seeing things from a new perspective. You can definitely count on your superiors or more experienced people around you, whether they are family members, coworkers or friends. Even strangers could be of help in some type of way. Have faith in your dreams, no matter how crazy they may sound. You have what it takes to get there.

Advice | Ametrine Make your big dreams your big life, Moldavite Transform your life on Earth, Barite Get answers to your biggest questions

Working with these crystals is one way that you can best face the energies of the upcoming months. Wearing earthly colors such as green, reds and browns, yellows and oranges could also boost your energy and help you ground yourself should you feel distracted or all over the place. You are encouraged to embrace your dreams fully and make positive changes in your daily life that can help you get closer to those dreams. To give you a very simple example, I am considering getting back to learning Japanese and Korean. One thing that I could do is studying for a short period of time each day when I am in public transport. Or I could stick post it notes on different objects in my house to help me remember vocabulary. You are also encouraged to consider other options and paths if what you're currently doing doesn't fulfill you. Same goes for relationships. If something in general doesn't feel right, you are called to do something about it. Ametrine will work best whenever you need to respect a deadline or you are feeling undecisive. Moldavite is advised for spiritual seekers or people that feel like their life lacks a touch of magic. It's best used when you feel like you are disconnected from spirit or too deeply rooted in your routine. Barite will work best for those of you that are feeling like where they're at isn't where they're supposed to be and feel called to move toward their destiny. If you struggle with saying no to things that you don't enjoy or resonate with, this crystal will help you with setting boundaries.

Group 3 - Fire signs

Predictions | Wheel of fortune, Hermit rx, 7 of pentacles rx, Ace of cups, King of cups, The Magician

For all of you beautiful fireworks, I feel like there's a major shift in your energy. You are tired of waiting for the tables to turn and for Fortune to be in your favor so you will take the reigns of your life and try your luck by spinning the wheel. That may be true especially for the Leos out there, as the Wheel of fortune is fixed sign energy. If you were previously in a snail like energy, not wanting to get out or mingle with people, not feeling super good about yourself and how your life is going, then this reading is for you. This time around you decide to kick yourself in the butt and have a more proactive energy in all areas of your life. You are done being the patient and snuggly little kitty that waits by the fire place. You now want to be the demanding and authoritative feline that hunts down its prey. You are tired of waiting for others to fill your cup and take care of you. You will now be your own man and number one fan. You are done waiting for your boss to magically notice how good of a business partner you are and grant you a promotion. You will get out of your seat and negotiate your pay because you damn well deserve it. The opportunity you wanted didn't show up? Well, it's about time you actively manifest it. Your desired partner is still MIA? Watch yourself putting yourself out there and being the hottest topic in town. You will let yourself be known and seen during the upcoming months and that is for the best. It is safe to say that fire signs, in the upcoming three months, are likely to get fired up. That can both be beneficial to you as it will give you the drive to reach your goals and express your full potential but it could also be an obstacle as you may rush into things or come off as provocative or aggressive toward others.

Advice | Amber Recharge your good vibes, Aquamarine Keep your cool, Chrysoprase Grow from your heart out

Working with these crystals could be beneficial to you during this period of time. Wearing colors such as soft blues or yellows/oranges could also be helpful. You are advised to temper yourself and surround yourself with things and people that make you feel good and uplift your spirits. I'm specifically picking up on music and your social media feed. You have to be surrounded by content that motivates you and inspires you. Anytime you are faced with a decision, make sure your choice is coming from your heart. Amber will be useful to boost your energy, deepen intimacy and help you be more confident when it is worn by the user. It can also help with cleansing the energy of a room if the crystal is placed in the center of it. Aquamarine is a good crystal for fire signs as it balances out their fiery nature with it's soothing watery vibe. It helps with communication and respiratory issues, also brings a sense of calmness. It is sometime advised to clean Aquamarine by submerging it in water. "If you’re an empath and get worn out by others’ feelings, chrysoprase can ease your mind and help you establish boundaries." This crystal can be linked to the heart chakra and can be used to get out of a phase of isolation and self-deprecation.

Group 4 - Air signs

Predictions | 4 of wands, 9 of pentacles, 2 of wands, knight of wands, King of wands, King of pentacles

The upcoming 3 months may be a period of transition for you. However, this heralds positive outcomes. When it comes to partnerships and love, you will feel safe and succesful in your union. You might want to explore new territories with your partner. Career wise, your efforts are paying off. I see you securing your position and being in a comfortable financial situation that allows you to explore other options and new projects. If you were considering taking on a new responsibility, finding a new home, taking things to the next level with your partner, you are encouraged to do so as you have all the tools and means at hand to be succesful in that endeavor. You may feel inspired and bold during this time. You will be confident about your ideas, your skills, your projects. You will look at the future with a peaceful heart because you believe in yourself and trust in your ability to turn dust into gold. Your innovative mind and open spirit will be your best assets, especially if you're in a position of authority. These three months will urge you to take a leadership position, whether it is in your personal or professional life. For those of you who are single, you may find yourself being attracted to a very independant and hardworking person, someone that is stable and succesful. This person will be very clear on their intentions and match your level. This is someone that is on the same wavelength as you when it comes to ideals and life projects, they could be in the same field of work or hold a position similar to yours. They could be a balanced mix of earth and fire energy. Overall the next three months look very promissing for you in all areas of your life.

Advice | Clear quartz, Tiger's eye, Celestite

Tiger's eye is often advised for spiritual protection as well as boosting one's self confidence. If you are feeling like you are being spiritually attacked or envious eyes are trying to set you off balance, you can definitely wear that stone as a piece of jewelry or place it in your space, at home or at work. Clear quartz brings clarity and cleansing. Whenever you feel like things are getting too much or you no longer see the bigger picture, you can meditate using that stone. As for Celestite, it can be used to enhance your psychic abilities, to ease your anxiety or clear any blockages regarding communication. If you ever feel like you can't express your truth properly, then definitely work with that stone. You can also wear colors that are close to that of these stones. So white, blues or shades of brown/orange.

#just-a-ghost #pick a card #pac reading #spiritual pac #oracle cards #tarot reading

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darilarostarg · 7 months ago

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Prince of Dragonstone

Daemon Targaryen x female!reader

Words: 1.5K

Warnings: SMUT, smut with no plot (my speciality!), fingering (f receiving) , sex w/o a condom, breeding kink

Summary: A sleepy Prince of Dragonstone has needs after a long day.

The warmth of the arms enveloping you wakes you up enough to see that the once roaring fire is now in decay, and the room is now plunged in darkness. You moan softly in content in the warmth radiating from his body, pushing yourself back into him. Daemon positions his head, chin nestling into the curve of your shoulder, lips chaste against your neck.

“Ñuha jorrāelagon?” He mutters as he settles himself next to you. You know what he wants. You have followed this same route for moons now, ever since his appointment and your arrival at Dragonstone. Daemon being named heir had shocked you, both of you happy to live in Viserys' shadows, reaping the benefits of being a second son of the realm and his lady wife. But with Viserys and Aemma struggling to conceive, and the arrival of your sweet son, the pressure to name your husband heir had increased, and for the stability of the realm, Viserys had no choice.

So Daemon took his place at Dragonstone, spending his days over seeing the running of the castle, preparing to become King, and when the hour of the ghost hit, he would slip into bed beside you, with wandering hands and his hard length pressed up against your ass.

“Mm?” You hum back to him. Sleep is still lingering in your body, just about to pull you back into the darkness. But you know deep down, if you’re being completely honest with yourself, no matter how tired you might be when he slips in beside you late each night– you’ll ever be too tired to feel him…to be used by him. You were his. Whenever and wherever he wanted.

Daemon's arms dip beneath you, pulling you closer to him, his nose running along the side of your shoulder, his hand softly pushing at your upper thighs parting your legs. His fingers run up your inner thighs, pushing up under your gown, fingers edging up to find the growing wetness between them. A small whine escapes past your lips, and suddenly he is delving his middle and pointer fingers between your folds, spreading your wetness, causing you to clench softly around nothing. His breath is hot against your neck and shoulder, his lips leaving wet kisses sporadically along it.

“My perfect little wife, hm? Getting herself ready for me.” He breathes out as he mouths your neck, amusement dripping from the low words. His free hand moves from your stomach, reaching to your knees and pulling up the soft cotton gown up ensuring you were entirely available to him. “Getting herself all ready for her husband, hm?”

You gasp when one fingers that had been circling your hole finally dips in. In your still slightly sleepy state, your body reacts involuntarily, instantly overstimulated. Your legs are moving to clench together and jerk away, but Daemon knows your body better than you do. He quickly slots his large knee between your legs so he still has access to your increasingly fluttering pussy. His free hand moving back to your stomach to keep you in place.

“Mm, Dae,” The movement is involuntary once again, your hand shooting to his wrist as your thighs squeeze his knee, trying to shut at the feeling of him pressing another thick finger into your slick hole, pumping them at slow steady pace, hitting the spot inside you that has you beginning to clamp tightly down on his thick fingers.

“Come on, don’t you wanna be good for me? Be a good wife for your future King?” He is teasing you, and loving every second. Daemon’s teeth graze against your earlobe, nipping softly at it. Before you can respond, all words die in the back of your throat when a third digit makes its way inside of you, and he begins pressing the ball of his palm to your small bundle of nerves.

The added pleasure causes a whine dies in your throat and your eye to squeeze shut, falling over the edge quickly. Your body tensing, pussy spasming, as he makes sure you ride out the high on his hand. His hand stills, kissing in between your shoulders tenderly as he removes his fingers, letting his hand slot out from between your thighs. His hand raises to your lips, three wet fingers gently pushing past your lips, making you taste yourself as you lick and suck them clean.

Once his hand is clean, he pulls it from you. You shuffle to turn over to face him, get a good look at him, having missed his face all day, missing your typical super together for an emergency meeting about the merchants that were illegally docking on the shores of Dragonstone. But he stops you, hand landing on your upper arm, gently pushing you forward slightly, keeping you turned away from him and on your side.

“Want you like this tonight.” He mutters lowly, and you’re unable to tell if he’s talking to you or more so himself.

He presses his chest against your back, settling himself against your back, hands fixing your thighs into position so that he has full access to your weeping pussy. You moan at the feeling of him rubbing his thick cock between your swollen, glistening folds. He grunts softly as he lets his tip dip into your hole, before removing it and allowing it to catch on your throbbing clit, making you push yourself towards him, desperate for more of him.

“I know, I know.” He murmurs, and your eyes roll back and moan escapes your lips when he slides into you, mixing with the sound of his deep groan that emits from him behind you, as he softly trusts into you, stretching you nicely.

“There you go….gods, you take me so well.”

The adjustment period ends quickly, the stress of the day quickly surfacing and suddenly Daemon is trying to split you open on his cock. His thrusts somehow tread the line of both sleepy and deliberate, soft yet rough, the pace causing your head to bury itself into the pillow below you, teeth biting down to drown out your moans.

“D-Dae, fuck.” You mewl, feeling his tip run against that soft, spongy part inside of you over and over again just as his fingers had just done. Subconsciously, once again, your body jerks away from him, the intense pleasure becoming too much. However, Daemon has other plans for you, hands tightly wrapping around your waist, fingers digging so deeply that bruises will litter them in the morning.

“No-no, stay on my cock pretty one. take. my. fucking. cock.”

Your body tries to move from him again, causing Daemon to grunt in displeasure, hand running down to your thigh and hooking your leg over his, locking you in place. A high pitched moan leaves you, the new angle allowing him to reach impossibly deeper within your warm, wet heat. Your arm moves up to his hair, gripping tightly at the roots long silver locks, your other other hand moving to gripping between his large thighs and ass.

Your walls flutter, throat now dry and raw, you can already feel the coil in the pit of your stomach tighten. You’re so close and Daemon knows it; the hand not keeping your leg in place finds the space between your thighs, playing with your, now very swollen, clit.

“Fuck– please, I–,” You can’t form a coherent sentence, only mumbles of pleases leaving your mouth, not with the amount of stimulation you’re receiving, and the filth that he’s spewing in your ear. Him telling you he’s going to breed again you like you deserve? Because you’ve been so good to him? Let you carry his babe? Make you nice and swollen? Swollen with another heir?

His filthy mouth is stopped by the sound of him letting out a guttural moan as his hips smack against the flesh of your ass. You're so far gone at this point, you can barely register the sound of your squelching pussy echoing throughout the silence of the dark room, but Daemon can. Daemon can hear it, and all it does is make his balls tighten.

Daemon loudly groans as your pussy clamps down on him,which only eggs him on to pound into you harder. He can’t stop fucking you because it feels too good. You feel too good. He continues to fuck you through your orgasm, trusting quickly, telling you he is going to fill you up, as your pussy clamps in waves around him, back arches and whines die in your throat.

Your eyes are so glazed over that you can’t even see properly anymore. You’re too focused on the post-coital high you’re riding, that you barely register Daemon grunts and moans as he coats your walls and begins to still within you.

Daemon keeps himself buried inside of you, the mix of your essences most certainly leaking out from your hole and along his cock. His hands run gently along your thighs up to your waist, before softly landing on your stomach, thumbs softly rubbing the skin, his head position itself behind yours. You shuffle back into him, head finally turning to look at him, leaving sweet kisses along his jaw.

“Goodnight, Ñuha jorrāelagon.”

Authors Note:

A little soft, sleepy smut in honour of Matt’s perfect lil dilf belly that I got to see in person this week, and now I will never stop thinking about the fact that it’s under all that Daemon armour ✨

My masterlist can be found by click here!

You can add yourself to my taglist here!

Taglist: @yn-jackson , @ilikechocolatemilkh

#daemon targeryan #daemon targaryen smut #daemon targaryen imagine #house of the dragon fanfic #house of the dragon imagine #house of the dragon #hotd #matt smith #daemon x reader #daemon targaryen x reader

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d4yl1ghts · 7 months ago

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hope for the future

colin bridgerton x grumpy, wife, fem!reader

summary: you share your fears about not being able to conceive with your husband, colin

warnings: infertility, mentions of pregnancy

You were stood in the corner of a ball, hoping to avoid everyone’s eye contact as you didn’t want to talk to anyone. You weren’t usually talkative anyway but today you were having an especially awful day. You sighed to yourself as you quietly sipped on your champagne.

You and your husband’s dream was to have multiple children yet after a year and a half, you were still yet to conceive. Recently you had felt more timid than usual, your inability to get pregnant taking a toll on you. Almost like you had jinxed it, Colin came walking over cheerfully. “How are you, dear?”, he questioned gently. “Fine.”, you said whilst shrugging your shoulders nonchalantly. He looked at you with concern written over his soft features. “Are you sure?”, he asked. “I’m sure.”, you answered as tears welled up in your eyes. You could never hold yourself together for long.

He carefully took your hand and lead you outside away from any prying eyes. “What’s wrong, my dear?”, he whispered in a cautious tone. You rolled your eyes at your incapability of keeping yourself together as tears cascaded down your face. He looked deeply into your eyes as he used his thumb to wipe away your tears as you sniffled.

“My dream is to have children… and so is yours!”, you hastily added, shaking your head. “We have been married for one year and six months and I am still yet to conceive a child, Colin. What are we doing wrong?”, you huffed frustratedly as you rubbed your eyes once Colin had removed his thumbs from your cheeks. “My dear, my main priority is you. As long as I have you I will be happy.”, he said with certainty. You gazed at his pristine blue eyes, seeing the genuine look they held.

“Yes, I will be happy with you Colin but there are some days when my life does feel a tad bit incomplete.”

“Especially when it seems that everyone around us are having children, like Daphne and many others.”, you stated. You could never express your emotions well and this was hard for you. More water slid down your flushed cheeks. You always regretted crying in front of people but you could not control it, once the tears had appeared there was no way to stop them.

“Darling, why didn’t you just tell me that you were feeling as such?”, he questioned. “Colin, you know how I am in these situations.”

“You do realise that it could be my fault and not yours, right?”, Colin whispered.

He cleared his throat before offering you his arm: “Shall we head off then?”, he looked down at you. “Yes, of course, my dear.”, you replied.

When you entered the carriage after Colin graciously guiding you up the steps, you turned your head to look at Colin as you noticed him staring. “What are you looking at?”, you asked teasingly. Colin snapped back to reality. He mumbled under his breath. After seconds, Colin tackled you and kissed you passionately. Roughly nine months later and you had the first of your many children.

#colin bridgerton #colin bridgerton x reader #colin bridgerton imagine #colin bridgerton x you #bridgerton #bridgerton x reader #bridgerton imagine #bridgerton x you #bridgerton x y/n #bridgerton oneshot #bridgerton x female reader #fem!reader

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etirabys · 9 months ago

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meandering post about reading Orson Scott Card again

I've been offline starting at 9pm every day (except once. I was drunk at karaoke and asked for anons at 8:30pm) for six weeks, with the result that in befuddled boredom two nights ago I picked up Orson Scott Card's Songmaster from the house bookshelf.

I read Ender's Game and three sequels when I was a teen thought the books were mid. Since those are OSC's best works I assumed he had nothing more interesting to offer me and didn't try more of him for fifteen years, but Songmaster was compelling enough that I immediately afterwards picked up The Memory of Earth, the first book of a pentalogy.

TMoE is extremely my jam: after humanity blows itself up on Earth, AIs monitor thriving human civilizations in the planets that survivors managed to escape to, and suppress any tech that enables large scale violence by exerting low key mind control via satellites. But forty million years pass, many of the satellites break down, and the AI needs help from humans to restore capabilities. Because as its control wanes, people are starting to e.g. conceive of airplanes or bombs again, and override the injunctions against entering military alliances more than two edges of connection away.

The AI is worshipped as a god all over the planet, but the fourteen year old protagonist that becomes one of the AI's agents tells the AI from the beginning that he'll break with it if its morality seems wrong to him. I like the fourteen year old – unlike Ender or Songmaster's protagonist (adult minds piloting ten year old bodies), he's a normal gifted kid who's unpopular 50% due to his ego and big mouth and 50% because he's socially inept and offends people even when he's trying to be nice.

Songmaster is also partly about a permanent solution to large-scale violence, albeit through one guy who establishes a monopoly on violence and sweeps in pax galactica. Both it and TMoE are preoccupied with the eradication of suffering from evil / human violence, which is closer to my resonant frequency than narratives about defeating particular people or ideologies. At the moment I can't think of any other book with such an insistent focus on the matter than T.H. White's The Once and Future King. It's hard to make a compelling story out of, and I don't think Songmaster really succeeds, but TMoE's premise is well suited to explore that. (I'm also enjoying the matriarchal culture where everyone is expected to have multiple serial-monogamous marriages.) After reading 70% of TMoE last night I wrote:

Usually when I read fiction there's a small part of me going, how can I use this as fodder for my own growth, how can I remix or improve or react against this, how do the author and I measure against each other? (If the quality and content are at an anti-sweet spot, the small part becomes quite large and I feel all teeth towards the author.) But on occasion I read something so close that the absence of that measuring-feeling is its own sensation – ego departs, or at least is split across two bodies. There's just amity and recognition

And it's pretty interesting to feel this way about Card for, well, the reasons.

(If you're familiar with Card drama none of the following will be new to you; I'm coming to it fresh so the rest of this post is me going "uh... wow")

I vaguely knew he was a homophobic Mormon who'd gotten into fights about gay stuff, but I couldn't tell from the Ender books I read. But in Songmaster his issues spring off the page in such a weird way. Every fifth Goodreads review of this book is "Card, u gay?" because, well,

(One review, possibly from a fellow Mormon, that went "Card, it's so sinful of you to be this gay in your novel". Why did he write this book that would predictably make everyone mad...)

it's full of gay male desire. The protagonist (Ansset) is approximately a castrato and characters notice him sexually a lot. The first and only time Ansset has sex it's with a Kinsey 4-5 male character he loves, who's married to a woman but has fallen in love with Ansset. It turns out the drugs Ansset took to prolong his singing career painfully and only-kinda-figuratively explode your balls when you have your first orgasm and you'll never feel sexual desire again. (You'd think his loving teachers would have warned him of that, but, whatever, they didn't.) The other guy is literally castrated in punishment for inadvertently torturing a highly valuable castrato. It's pretty bald: GAY SEX IS ALMOST IRRESISTIBLY TEMPTING BUT YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT.

(Sidenote: both Ansset and the guy's wife are very close and have a "there's enough love to go around" attitude about the gay sex initially, before they go "wait Josif is a SERIAL MONOGAMIST... he can only love one person at a time... the moment he had the gay sex his marriage was destroyed". It's funny in a mildly stupid way that Card would set up this parable of homosexuality destroying lives and a marriage but almost everyone involved is peacefully ready to sail into an open marriage. I guess it makes sense if you want to say very clearly that THE GAY PART IS THE BAD PART)

which is fascinating to me, because... why would you tell on yourself like that

(81k also told me secondhand of an essay? interview? where Card openly says "we have to stand against legalizing gay marriage because everyone will get gay married and society will collapse", so that's informing my read of Songmaster as well)

I am pretty dang open about my personal life online but if I had a lot of feelings I thought were disgusting and immoral I would not write a novel dripping with those feelings before pointedly castrating the leads for them. Especially if it wasn't relevant to the actually highbrow themes of (checks notes) winning over your adversaries with kindness and never relinquishing your monopoly on violence. I would be so so so so embarrassed to let this go to print, it's so psychologically transparent, what was he thinking

(Well, I assume he's a very different person with different social incentives. For all I know, people in his church went "hey Orson we read your book and it's clear that you're gay but signaling strongly that you won't give into the gay feelings, we're here for you, it was really brave of you to publish this".)

#rambl #orson scott card #eti reads stuff #eti reads the homecoming saga #songmaster #content note: homophobia

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anncanta · 26 days ago

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‘The Rings of Power’ and what is adult cinema

I think I understand what the matter is. Why there is such a strange attitude towards The Rings of Power and constant reproaches from a number of viewers that the series is boring and that it lacks epicness and vivid characters.

This point of view (and it is the same point of view) has two reasons – age and an excess of content.

The thing is that modern viewers consume a huge amount of content. These are books, films, computer games, fan fiction, TV series. It is not that it is difficult to surprise such a viewer – it is actually possible to surprise them since they are quite naive – it is as if they have sensory fatigue. Or, rather, they have stopped perceiving shades and see only colors. And among the colors – only those that glow neon and fluoresce. What is below this threshold is not interesting to them, simply because their sensitivity is dulled, like (sorry for the comparison) for a user of psychoactive substances who needs to increase the dose to get the same sensations.

That's why the characters of The Rings of Power are dull for these viewers, the storylines are boring, and the whole story lacks epicness. And it doesn't matter that this story is not about epicness at all. It's about the price living beings pay for epicness. About what attempts to start a ‘great war’ or ‘correct big mistakes’ turn out to be. How good intentions and the desire to return to the ‘great past’ or start into a brilliant future end. What an attempt to cheat death leads to.

And here we come to the second reason. To adulthood. The series The Rings of Power is for adults. Not only because adult actors play in it. Young people play there too. But because it is written in an adult way, conceived in an adult way, and played in an adult way.

These heroes and this story do not have the problems of ‘who looked at whom in what way’, ‘who does not want to marry whom off to their beloved’, and ‘which armies clashed on this hill’. With all due respect to these problems. The Rings of Power is about something completely different.

In this film, one of the central scenes is the conversation between Galadriel and Elrond in Cirdan's workshop. The scene in which stubborn Elrond repeatedly brings Galadriel back to the question she doesn't really want to return to – has Sauron really left her consciousness? How did he get there? How far did he go?

And it's not about whether she's in love with Sauron or whether he has a chance to become her lover. I have the impression that the writers don't care about that at all. They care about Galadriel's relationship with Sauron inside. For them, evil is not a black blot that just wants to destroy the whole world (in this sense, the beginning of the second season and Sauron in his black form are also a parody of such decisions), but something that has crawled into your soul and become you. Where, at what point did it become you? How much has it become you? Can you resist it? These are very boring questions to answer – especially if you are uncomfortable with them.

The other pivotal scene is where Sauron tortures Celebrimbor. I know it's bland for viewers used to detailed violence and fan fiction. But it's monstrous. It's horrifying in its simplicity. You look at this beautiful creature who knows exactly where to shoot, so it hurts, but also so the victim stays alive. Then he comes over and moves one arrow slightly. You look at it and you want to scream.

And then Celebrimbor defeats him. Not because Celebrimbor is physically stronger, or a greater wizard, or has a deadlier sword. Because Celebrimbor speaks the truth. Because all these mind games are worthless when you look at them with clear eyes. So Celebrimbor looks. And makes Sauron look. That is stronger than any battle. As is the silence Sauron remains in, which he has tried so hard to drown out with the sounds of thunderous battle. That is why he weeps, and not because Celebrimbor has humiliated or insulted him.

The central part of the story is strange, imperfect, doubting Galadriel. After centuries of pain and loss, fear and anger, rage and grief, she believed that there was someone in this world who could understand her – and he turned out to be the Dark Lord. This makes their misunderstanding all the more vivid and profound – Sauron thinks that Galadriel rejected him because he did not offer her enough, but she did it because he offered too much. The noble Halbrand was enough – not the divinely handsome (another jab at fans of epic films with grandiose perfect men), but a man who was wrong and willing to admit his mistakes. By showing her that Halbrand was a deception, Sauron betrayed not her love, but her belief that there was a way back. Including for herself, who, no matter how absurd it may be, still cannot forgive herself for putting the helmets of her brothers and sisters in the mound.

This faith will be restored to her later by Adar – for a moment, for a few minutes, he returned to his former elven appearance and showed her that it is possible to forgive others and forgive herself. Having missed the opportunity to escape with the ring of power and accepted her help and their alliance.

All these plot lines, all these stories, all the events and heroes do not look bright and spectacular. Even the battles do not look spectacular. Do you know why?

Because battles are not spectacular. They are dirty, stinking, disgusting, and full of pain and blood. Eregion during the siege does not look like grandiose fortresses – it looks like bloody besieged cities. Like cities on which bombs fall. Like cities into which, like cockroaches, aliens crawl. This is what the truth looks like. Do not believe the artificial mouse running across the floor. Better check if the candle is burning out.

The problem and, in fact, the essence is that all these things are impossible to see and understand if you are a young person. In youth, all the stories are about love (with a capital letter), about war (heroic and brilliant), and about refined characters who proudly walk back and forth. They talk little because the young are not interested in conversations. They are interested in kissing and figuring out who is better.

But I am interested in something else. And many people like me are too. And I am incredibly happy that the authors made this film for us. It is not even about Tolkien – I repeat, I am rather indifferent to him. The point is how, through Tolkien and his legendarium, the authors talk about what is important to me. And they do it masterfully. And the most beautiful thing is that those who are young will definitely grow up and become adults.

And then maybe they will love this story too.

#the rings of power #rings of power #lord of the rings #sauron #galadriel #celebrimbor #halbrand #trop meta #trop season 2

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the-cosmic-cauldron · 3 months ago

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Astrology Observations 08/02/2024

Why Do These Zodiac Signs Enter Your Life

🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿

An Aries will enter your life when you are at a low-point, unmotivated, and struggling to face your reality.

A Taurus will enter your life you when you think you have all the answers, are impulsive, and lack any discipline to see results.

A Gemini will enter your life when you are stubborn, too focused on self-indulgence, and lazy.

A Cancer will enter your life when you are inconsistent, hanging around disingenuous people, and too focused on the future.

A Leo will enter your life when you are struggling with confidence, lacking faith, and stuck in your emotions.

A Virgo will enter your life when you are too much in your ego and impatient.

A Libra will enter your life when you are judgmental, unhappy, and critical.

A Scorpio will enter your life if you have disingenuous people around you, if you’re indecisive, and detached.

A Sagittarius will enter your life if you’re jealous, secretive, and resentful.

A Capricorn will enter your life if you’re careless, inconsistent, and overly confident.

An Aquarius will enter your life if you are pessimistic, bossy, and reserved.

A Pisces will enter your life if you are detached, isolated, and rebellious.

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How You Were Conceived & What Your Parents Are Like Based On Your Sun Sign

Aries: ( Your parents have Cancer placements as their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

Your mom was very fertile when she conceived you. She could have desired being pregnant, a child, or an addition to the family. She could be in love with the father and craving closeness and his warmth. She may have been highly emotional during the pregnancy and self-protective. She could have needed more help while pregnant and been very moody. The Aries mother is probably protective over the Aries and at times can smother the Aries with her concerns. The Aries mother may have really wanted to maintain the family and was traditional and routine in raising the Aries. Sometimes the Aries mother will want to take space to deal with her own life and head but she will come back wanting to shower love. She gets very defensive when people talk about her Aries child. In the negative sense she could dampen the Aries mood and become overbearing.The Aries might think their mother is childish and overly emotional. The Aries father would have wanted a family when the Aries is born, but the father may himself be defensive against the mother, feeling smothered by the Aries mother’s demands. He could put too many expectations on the mother to hold down the family. He could also be sensitive himself.

Taurus: ( Your parents have Cancer or Leo in their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

You could be the love baby, the product of your parents being in love and having fun. During the time you were conceived they could have been desiring a child and wanting to deepen their connection or family. The mother could have been moody and protective during her pregnancy. She could have also gotten a lot of attention while you were in her stomach. The father could have been active in the entire process and supportive of the mom. The father was happy to become a father. The Taurus mother can be nurturing and protective over Taurus. She could also pay lots of attention to the Taurus and constantly want to give affection and help the Taurus bring out their creative side. She may enjoy the comforts of life with her Taurus. On the negative side she can be demanding, bossy, and overly emotional to the Taurus. The Taurus might feel too pressured by his mom and sometimes feel they have to comfort their mother. The father can try to share responsibility with Taurus mother and help as he can. On the negative side, the father can come off as too egotistical and hard on the child.

Gemini: ( Your parents have Leo or Virgo in their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

You father could’ve played an active role in conception. He really desired your mother at the time or was enjoying the time he spent with your mother. Your mother could’ve received a lot of attention when you were in her belly, but she may have had to work and carry a lot of responsibility. The pregnancy may have been difficult. Your parents could have wanted you and at the same time took it serious and started preparing early on. There could’ve been a lot of responsibility in your parents life when you were conceived, a busy time. Many disagreements could’ve been because your parents didn’t see eye to eye and no one would budge. The Gemini’s parents could be bossy or dominant. I can see the mom being very dominant in the Gemini’s life, possibly putting a lot of her expectations on the Gemini. The Gemini has to adapt to their mom’s way of thinking and perhaps their mom is an over-thinker or analytical. Their mother is reliable to them and they feel that they can count on her but she suppresses a lot of her emotions and so there is somewhat of an aloofness to their connection. They can talk for hours but they don’t get to the heart of matters. In the more negative sense the mom can be very judgmental towards the Gemini or just quickly annoyed. She can have a hard time expressing her love so it may seem disingenuous at times. The mom can also be stubborn and the Gemini feels restricted at times by her mentality. The father of the Gemini can be intelligent, he may care a lot about his image and may find it hard to present his emotions in a healthy manner since he wants to keep up the image.

Cancer: ( Your parents have Virgo or Libra in their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

Your mom conceived you because your father charmed her, took her on a date, or try to manipulate her into s*x. Your parents could’ve been feeling more romantic during the time you were conceived, desiring more time together or wanting to go out and have fun more. A lot may have been happening between your parents but they liked to keep it to themselves and not show it publicly. There could have been a lot of conversation between your parents, trying to get on the same page, but their was a lack of sentimentality, they could’ve possibly had a lot of harsh exchange of words that turned into arguments or they were always trying to compromise. Your mom may have looked beautiful during her pregnancy, having a glow to her and wearing her belly well. The father could’ve been more social around this time and wanting to be around his friends. The Cancer’s mom could be superficial in ways and care too much about appearances, always trying to make the family look good even when it isn’t. The mom could also treat the Cancer like their friends and have open discussion with the Cancer. The mom may prioritize her relationship over the Cancer or can become distant due to romance. The mom can be a great listener to the Cancer and can share many of her ideas/dreams. On the negative side, the mother can be impatient to the Cancer, can become manipulative, and can encourage bad habits. The father could be a handsome man or have a lot of charisma. The father may have a lot of friends and bonds with the child more as they grow since he can treat the Cancer like a friend. The father may believe in treating all his children fair. On the negative side the father can be flighty and not be truly present for the Cancer.

Leo: ( Your parents have Scorpio or Sagittarius in their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

Your parents may have gone through a dark time prior to conceiving you. There could be a family secret, an affair, cheating, side/chick main chick. Just very hidden sexual themes here, won’t get into it. On the other hand you could also be conceived because your parents were so hor*y and kept having s*x all the time. They could’ve been living wild and having fun and you were just an accident. The mother could’ve had a very intense and tumultuous pregnancy or it was an easy one with little complications. The mother to Leo could be very secretive and deep, but she is strong and doesn’t show much emotion to the Leo. The Leo feels the moms intensity but doesn’t question her too much since she just won’t give any answers if she choose not. The Leo’s mom could be fiercely protective of the Leo and won’t back down from fighting for her child. The Leo’s mom could also be somewhat violent or could have anger issues broiling beneath, but she could be incredibly ambitious and won’t let nothing stop her. On the other end, the mom could be very carefree and allow her child to develop on their own. The mom would love to have the Leo experience a lot of different things and can want the Leo to follow their dreams. She can be a very supportive mother but with a hands-off approach. The Leo feels they can be theirselves because their mom just wants them to be happy. The Leo’s father could seek power and be masculine. He could be focused on money or he could he be out the house a lot, the mom is there more.

Virgo: ( Your parents have Sagittarius or Capricorn in their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

Your parents could’ve conceived when they were having lots of fun, hor*y and just always having sex or they were deeply committed and wanted to move to the next step and have a child. On one hand, your parents could’ve slipped up and had you, yet the pregnancy was probably easy and she experienced good things while pregnant. On the other hand, the pregnancy could’ve been very serious and your parents felt the responsibility immediately. Your mother may have dealt with health issues while pregnant and she could’ve continued working or had to work more. She may have been depressed during her pregnancy as well. The Virgo’s mother may be a positive woman who is eager to have her child experience all that life has to offer. She may allow her child a lot of freedom while instilling values and education into the child. She can be like a friend to her child, just wanting her child to be happy. She can also be very open and truthful towards her child. On the other hand, the mother to the Virgo can be serious and ambitious and take parenting serious. She may focus on how she can best aid her child to success and that can mean sometimes she’s hard on her child, but she isn’t unrealistic. She just wants her child to be great. She may instill discipline into her child and the Virgo may be thankful. The Virgo’s mother might be the boss and call the shots. On the other hand, the Virgo’s mother may be controlling and insensitive. She may not know how to connect to the Virgo emotionally, there is distance there. The father of the Virgo can be money-hungry, he could be all about his status and may not be around as much. He could be too worried about putting food on the table or being at the top of his game. The father could also be more on the serious side and the disciplinary.

Libra: ( Your parents have Capricorn or Aquarius in their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

Your parents took their commitment to one another serious when they conceived you and felt it was right to bring a child into this world. On the other hand, your parents could’ve not expected to have a child, maybe infertility, older age, using protection, or just focused on other things and didn’t expect it. Your mother could’ve been somber during her pregnancy, depressed, or just had a lot of responsibilities. On the other hand your mom being pregnant with you could’ve changed her life in so many ways. She may have been forced to change. She may have been detached from the experience itself and focused more on other things. The Libra’s mother is either serious and traditional and raises her child under tradition, making sure the child is well taken care of on a financial level but struggles to emotionally connect to her child. Her child may get a lot of material items but will feel unseen on an emotional level or the mom raises her child in an alternative/odd way, different sort of set-up, the child has more freedom because of this at some point. The mother doesn’t really nurture much of an emotional connection, but she’s open to talk and makes for good conversation. The mom may be intelligent and independent and known for helping those in need. The father could be a workaholic, the primary bread maker. The father could be very hard to get close to and keeps a distance from the child, won’t open up about certain things, and may encourage independence to the point where the Libra doesn’t feel his care and tenderness.

Scorpio: ( Your parents have Aquarius in their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

You were either an accident or a big change in your parent’s life upon conception. They had to adjust and adapt to a new way of life once you were conceived. They could be in the public eyes a lot, celebrity, known around town, apart of a scandal or organization. They could also have an alternative relationship: polyamorous, lgbtq, open relationship, side chick/side dude, situationship, friends with benefits, swingers. Your mom may have been distant from your dad during pregnancy, long distance relationship, or just didn’t feel like other pregnant women. Your mother is probably intelligent and very creative with a big imagination, she may share a lot of her ideas with you or you may have been apart of a lot of your mother’s crafty ideas growing up. She may be focused on a lot of things at once and may not have as much time for you. Not that you are not important to her but sometimes you may not have felt that way. She can also be apart of communities and organizations that take up her time. She could’ve been ahead of her time and eccentric, a bit weird. She may have stood out in her family or may have went down a different path than her siblings. She may be distant to the Scorpio, in the sense she can give the Scorpio freedom but she also has very rigid ways of thinking and can need a lot of time to herself. She may find it hard to express emotion and show her care in such physical ways to the Scorpio. The Scorpios father could be distant in some ways as well, maybe he cares in his own way and wants the best for his child, but he can lack sentimentality. He may also be focused on work, an organization, project or a responsibility in his life that takes a lot of his time. He expects the Scorpio to be independent and learn how to navigate the world on their own. He can be detached in his own world at times, leaving the Scorpio to theirselves. The Scorpio’s father may always be focused on the future and think differently than others.

Sagittarius: ( Your parent can have Pisces and Aries in their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

Your parents were probably deep in love when they conceived you or they were full of energy for life. They were probably very hor*y around that time and physical with one another. The pregnancy could’ve made your mother stronger and built a lot of courage she didn’t have prior. The pregnancy could’ve also connected her deeper to her spirituality and made her emotional and sensitive. On one hand, your mother could’ve gain a lot of strength and had more ambition and drive for her life by her pregnancy or she could’ve felt very vulnerable and needed a lot of support and help to cope with her sensitivities and changes. The mother to the Sagittarius can be very dominant, aggressive, and controlling. She may have a lot of expectations for her child and pressure the child to grow up fast. The mother could be passionate and anger quickly. She will stand up to anyone who speaks ill of the Sagittarius, at the same time she can cut the Sagittarius with her words as well. On the other hand, the mother to the Sagittarius can be in her own world, always victimizing herself, but she can be deep with a lot of wisdom. The mother may have addictions as well ( drink, smoke, always trying to escape her reality), she may feel so deeply in love and sacrifice a lot for the father. The mother may be intuitive and always concerned with what the Sagittarius is up to. The father can be very masculine and action-oriented, he may be physically strong and have a lot of ideas he wants to do in his life, he may strive to instill independence in the Sagittarius and to assert themselves. On the other hand the father may be more passive, lazy, and in his own world. The father may struggle with addictions as well and may be delusional over the mother, always wanting to be in her energy. He can have artistic talents and be a spiritual man.

Capricorn: ( Your parents can have Aries or Taurus in their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

Your parents could’ve been very physical with one another around conception. Quick s*x, touching each other all the time, going on adventures together. On the other hand, your parents could’ve been devoted to each other and building a life together while in love. They could’ve been feeling romantic and indulgent, perhaps you were conceived after a romantic night out. Your mother could’ve taken charge during pregnancy and got a lot accomplished. She could’ve gained courage and found a new path for herself. The pregnancy could’ve went by fast for her because she was occupied and hands-on. She may also have bounced back from the pregnancy easier. On the other hand, your mom could’ve relaxed more during pregnancy and gained more weight. She could’ve been preparing by ensuring that you were set financially and focusing on handling the home. Her pregnancy could’ve given her a glow and she could’ve looked beautiful pregnant. She may have been lazier during her pregnancy. The mother to the Capricorn can be a boss in her own nature, ambitious, and eager to get what she wants. At times that she can come across as selfish to the Capricorn, but she cares a lot about the Capricorn and wants to make sure they have what they need. She can have a lot of ideas, hobbies, and passions. On the other hand, the Capricorns mother could be what a traditional mother is. She can cook, clean, pack lunches, and make sure that they are prospering. She can make the house beautiful and plan leisure time for the family. The Capricorn can see their mom as judgmental and lazy at times or worst controlling. The Capricorns father can either be ambitious and always working to get more money for the family or they can see their father as temperamental and too controlling. On the other hand, the father can be seen as a gentleman who knows how to earn money and take cares of his family.

Aquarius: ( Your parent can have Taurus or Gemini in their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

These children can be conceived when their parents are in love, building solid grounds towards the future. These can be the love babies. The mother looked beautiful pregnant and had a glow to her. The mother could have felt grounded during her pregnancy or taken care of. On the other hand the child could have been conceived during a busy time where the focus was on socializing, going to school, learning, working. The parents could’ve had a lot going on in their lives. The mother could’ve been studying or going to school while pregnant, reading a lot of books, and around all different people. She may have talked to you in her belly a lot, read stories, sung. The Aquarius mother may care about the father a lot and puts a lot of her focus on the relationship and keeping the household together, she could be a bit rigid in how she thinks and it can be hard for the Aquarius to change their moms mind. The mother can cook well and keep appearances up, but she may be controlling and struggle to connect emotionally to the Aquarius. The mother can have a focus on material items and come off superficial. On the other hand, the mother can be intelligent and always aiding the Aquarius in education. The mother may have books lounging around the house and encourage reading. She could put the Aquarius in various activities and keep the Aquarius busy. She could have a diverse group of friends and so the Aquarius meets all kind of people as they grow-up. At times the mother can be scattered brain and inconsistent leading to some shaky times. The father to the Aquarius can be the provider or works diligently to provide a better future for the family sometimes he can be a know-it-all and stubborn. On the other hand, he could be a very smart guy that is multi-talented and has his hands in many things. The father can be busy and engages with a lot of different people.

Pisces: ( Your parents can have Gemini placements in their Sun, Moon, or Rising)

Your parents could’ve conceived you during a busy time in their lives where they were socializing a lot. Your parents could’ve been in school or focused on learning. It could have been a time where a lot of changes were occurring as well. The mother probably talked a lot during her pregnancy, read books, took classes or was in school, changed her mind frequently as well. The Pisces’s mother can be intelligent and open-minded. She can want her child to excel in school and be an intellectual. She could want to keep the Pisces busy or constantly find ways to keep the Pisces child stimulated or not bored. The Pisces mother at time can be inconsistent and indecisive creating rocky periods in the Pisces life. She can also be moody and the Pisces may struggle to keep up with all the shifts at times. The father can be open-minded and intelligent as well. The father could be in and out of the Pisces life or be busy a lot and have many friends. The father may talk to the child a lot and communication is prioritized.

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

#astro notes #astro observations #astro placements #astroblr #astrology

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tired-biscuit · 9 months ago

Note

I think yuuji puts in a similar amount of effort into giving you kids (he breeds you until his cum is dripping down your thighs)

oh gosh, yes! i realised that most of my faves look like they’d be really into breeding and just plain animalistic fucking, so to speak… i think it’s safe to say that i definitely have a type.

and i also think he’d be so kind and gentle with you after you’d get pregnant. always doting on you and touching your tummy even if the baby bump isn’t there yet and kissing it and having his hand over it while he’s balls deep inside you, slowly thrusting in and out because he’s foolishly scared he’ll hurt his future kid otherwise… the mere knowledge of you carrying his child would drive him crazy; he becomes so affectionate and clingy that it’s almost impossible to push him off of you.

but while you’re trying to conceive for the first couple of times, i do imagine that he gets so into it that the sex itself becomes extremely intense. loud skin slapping against skin, larger amounts of cum, a tight grip and pounding that’s hard enough to make the headboard of the bed slam against the wall — that kind of stuff.

he’d never hurt you — he makes sure it’s all done in a way that gives you pleasure instead of pain — but he can be surprisingly rough when the opportunity presents itself and his already fickle mind succumbs to instinct. it’s like he’s letting his cock and heart do all the thinking.

he apologises for it profusely, though… and spoils you rotten afterwards!

#cw breeding #cw pregnancy #biscuit mail #yuuji smut #yuuji x reader #jjk smut #yuji smut #itadori smut #itadori x reader

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hd-junglebook · 6 months ago

Text

My Sunshine

Prologue (short and sweet just how I like em)

Warnings - brief mentions of sex, mention of plan b pills, toxic relationship, pregnancy

a:n I feel like the chapter I posted for jack was too rushed, so I rewrote the entire thing. I hope you enjoy this one even more because I enjoyed writing the parts for it.

Masterlist Link

Summary: After Jason suddenly declares he no longer wants to have a baby with her, despite their previous plans, Y/N finally leaves the hell that is her home and seeks the one thing that could give her answers. After agonizing over the decision, Y/N takes the tests spiraling over the results.

Word Count ~ 2054

...

Y/N collapsed onto the bed, her chest heaving and her skin glistening with a sheen of sweat. Adrenaline still coursed through her veins as she reached out for Jason, desperately seeking the comfort of his warm embrace.

But to her dismay, he merely rolled over, his back facing her. The deafening silence that followed was oppressive, broken only by their labored breathing.

"Hey," she broached softly, a tremor in her voice. "What's wrong?" Y/N asked, her voice barely above a whisper. She propped herself up on her elbow, studying Jason's tense profile in the dim light of the bedroom as she gently rubbed his back, trying to offer whatever comfort she could.

He grumbled something unintelligible, his jaw clenched tight, his body rigid and unyielding.

"What did you say?" Y/N pressed, a sense of unease and dread creeping into her chest, tightening around her heart.

"I said," Jason repeated, his voice cold and detached, "I don't want to have a baby with you anymore."

Y/N's heart stopped, her breath catching in her throat as a wave of disbelief and heartbreak washed over her. In the muted glow of the bedroom, Y/N's world shattered like fragile glass. Her body, still throbbing and tingling from their intimate encounter, now grew cold and numb.

Jason sat up, his expression hard and unyielding as he turned to face Y/N. "You heard me. I don't want a baby. We try and try to conceive this...this thing ," he said, his voice dripping with disdain, "but it hasn't worked. I'm tired of trying. I've had my fill of you for the last five months."

Y/N felt as if she had been slapped, the words striking her like a physical blow. She sat up, clutching the sheet to her chest, her mind reeling from the devastating revelation.

"But we talked about this," she argued, her voice trembling with a mix of disbelief and hurt. "We agreed that we were ready, that we wanted to start a family. You said you were gonna marry me! How can you say you've had your fill of the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

Jason scoffed, rolling his eyes dismissively. "Well, I changed my mind. And it's not like you have much of a say in the matter, anyway," he sneered.

Y/N's eyes narrowed, anger flaring hot and fierce in her veins. "Excuse me?" she hissed, her voice low and dangerous. How dare he treat her as if she had no say in the matter - this was their future, their dream, their child they were discussing.

"You heard me," Jason repeated, his tone mocking and callous. "It's my decision, too. And I've decided that I don't want a kid tying me down." He turned away, his broad shoulders rigid with finality, leaving Y/N feeling utterly betrayed and alone.

Without another word, Y/N rose from the bed, her movements stiff and mechanical as she gathered her discarded clothes. She stalked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her with a resounding bang that reverberated through the tense silence.

Leaning heavily against the sink, she braced her trembling hands on the cool porcelain as hot, angry tears streamed down her flushed cheeks.

With a shaking hand, she turned on the shower, the scalding spray pounding against her skin as she stepped under it, scrubbing furiously.

She tried in vain to wash away the lingering feeling of Jason's touch, the essence of their intimate encounter seeping onto her thighs. The water cascaded down her body, but it offered no solace, no relief from the anguish consuming her.

Desperate, Y/N rummaged through the cabinets, her movements frantic as she pushed aside bottles of shampoo and tubes of toothpaste, searching for the small foil packet that held her last hope. But as she tore through the cluttered shelves, her heart sank, a fresh wave of panic crashing over her.

The pill was gone.

"No, no, no," she choked out, her voice breaking with anguish. "Fuck!" she cried, slamming her fist against the unyielding tile wall.

The impact sent a jolt of pain through her hand, but she barely registered it, consumed by the overwhelming fear of being trapped - tethered to a man who no longer loved her, who didn't want the life they had so carefully planned together.

The bathroom descended into chaos as Y/N's desperation reached a fever pitch. She swept her arm across the counter, sending bottles and jars crashing to the floor, the sound of shattering glass mingling with her anguished sobs.

Tearing open drawers, she flung their contents aside, heedless of the mess she was creating. In her frantic search, she upended the trash can, the contents spilling out across the tile.

Y/N's world was crashing down around her, and she felt powerless to stop it. She sank to the floor, curling in on herself as the full weight of her devastation overwhelmed her. Clutching her knees to her chest, she wept bitterly, her heart shattering into a million irreparable pieces.

…

The fluorescent lights flickered overhead, casting an eerie glow on the nearly empty shelves of the CVS. Y/N stood in the middle of the aisle, her eyes darting back and forth between the rows of cardboard boxes, her heart pounding in her chest.

The silence was deafening, broken only by the distant hum of the refrigerators and the static of the TV mounted on the wall.

Beside her, Heather shifted from foot to foot, her impatience growing with each passing second. The tapping of her foot against the linoleum floor echoed through the store, grating on Y/N's already frayed nerves.

"Could you stop tapping and put that pea brain of yours to use?" Y/N snapped, her voice cutting through the stillness like a knife. The harsh words escaped her lips before she could even register them, her nerves completely frayed.

Heather shot her a sideways glance, her lips pressed into a thin line. She reached out and grabbed a box from the shelf, shoving it into Y/N's hands.

"This looks fine, Y/N," she said, her tone clipped and laced with a hint of irritation. "You've read every box back to front. I think you should just choose one."

Y/N stared down at the box in her hands, her mind racing with a whirlwind of emotions. She knew Heather was right, but choosing a box made the situation feel too real – this box held the answer to the rest of her life. The weight of the decision felt crushing, and she couldn't help but feel utterly alone in this moment, despite Heather's presence.

Swallowing thickly, Y/N ran her fingers over the cardboard, tracing the words printed on the packaging. Every fiber of her being wanted to tear the box open, to find the answers that would dictate her future. But the fear of what those answers might be paralyzed her, leaving her frozen in place, the box trembling in her shaking hands.

"Screw it," Y/N muttered under her breath, her resolve hardening. She grabbed four more boxes from the shelf, the cardboard containers feeling heavy in her hands.

Without another moment's hesitation, she turned to walk away, but something made her pause. With a sigh of frustration, she spun back around and snatched one more box, just for good measure.

Heather let out a surprised laugh, shaking her head in disbelief at Y/N's sudden burst of decisiveness. "Alright, that's more like it," she murmured, offering her friend an encouraging smile, despite the gravity of the situation.

She wandered over to the fridges and grabbed a 2-liter bottle of soda before meeting Y/N at the checkout counter.

They plopped their items down in front of the cashier, a middle-aged man with a receding hairline and a bored expression on his face. He glanced up at them, his eyes widening as he took in the array of pregnancy tests and the massive bottle of soda.

The cashier's voice cut through the tense silence as he spoke up, a playful smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Having trouble deciding, ladies?"

Y/N felt her cheeks heat up, suddenly self-conscious under the man's curious gaze. She opened her mouth to respond, but the words caught in her throat, leaving her uncharacteristically flustered.

Thankfully, Heather jumped in, offering the cashier a polite smile. "Oh, you know how it is," she said, her tone light and diplomatic. "Gotta make sure we get the right ones, you know?"

The cashier nodded, his expression understanding as he scanned their items and bagged them up. "That'll be $32.50," he said, adding the final box to the pile.

Y/N silently handed over the cash, her heart pounding in her chest. "Thank you," she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. The cashier gave her a sympathetic nod, his eyes twinkling with a hint of empathy that made Y/N's stomach twist.

With the transaction complete, they turned and walked out of the CVS, the automatic doors sliding shut behind them with a soft whoosh. The night air was cool and crisp, a welcome relief from the stuffy interior of the store.

Y/N took a deep breath, savoring the sensation of the fresh air filling her lungs as she gripped the bag containing the pregnancy tests, the weight of it heavy in her hand.

She looked over at Heather, who gave her a reassuring smile. "Ready?" her friend asked, her voice soft and laced with concern.

Y/N steeled herself, squaring her shoulders as she met Heather's gaze. "not at all," she replied. With a deep breath, she began walking towards her car, Heather by her side.

…

Y/N sat on the cold tile floor of her bathroom, her knees drawn up to her chest and her heart racing. She had lined up all eleven pregnancy tests on the edge of the bathtub, each one turned face down, waiting for the results that would change her life forever.

The minutes ticked by agonizingly slowly, each second feeling like an eternity. Y/N's mind raced with a million different scenarios, each one more terrifying than the last. What would she do if the tests were positive? How would she tell Jason? Would he even care?

Suddenly, Heather's voice rang out from the other side of the door, startling Y/N from her thoughts.

"Time!" she shouted, her voice muffled by the thick wood.

Y/N inhaled deeply, trying to calm her frayed nerves. She slowly lifted her head from her lap, her muscles aching from sitting in the same position for so long. Using the sink for support, she pulled herself to her feet, her knees suddenly weak and shaky.

With trembling hands, Y/N reached out and flipped over the first test, her heart pounding in her chest. A bold, unmistakable pink plus sign stared back at her, and she felt her heart skip a beat, her breath catching in her throat.

Hands shaking, she moved down the line, flipping over each test one by one. Plus sign after plus sign greeted her, until all eleven tests lay face up on the bathtub, their results crystal clear.

Y/N hiccupped, her hand flying to her mouth as a tear slipped down her cheek. She was pregnant. There was no denying it now - the evidence was right there in front of her, etched in pink and white plastic.

The reality of the situation crashed over her like a tidal wave, and she felt her legs give out from under her as she sank back down to the floor.

Sobs wracked her body, her anguish palpable as she grappled with the devastating truth. She was going to be a mother, and the father of her child was a man who no longer wanted her.

Heather's voice called out again, this time softer and more concerned. "Y/N? Are you okay in there?"

Y/N tried to respond, but the words stuck in her throat, choked by the lump of emotion that had settled there. She heard the doorknob rattle, and then Heather was there, kneeling beside her on the floor and wrapping her in a tight, comforting embrace.

"Oh, honey," Heather murmured, stroking Y/N's hair as she cried. "It's going to be okay. We'll figure this out together, I promise." Heather's voice was soothing, a balm to Y/N's shattered nerves, and she clung to her friend arms.

...

Tag List <3

@fearfam69691, @alwaysclassyeagle, @rebelatbay, @dancerbailey3, @dasiysthings, @shawnshoney

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thefallennightmare · 1 month ago

Text

Just Pretend-Chapter Twenty Nine

*gif created by me. feel free to use, simply give credit.

Parings: Noah Sebastian x Musician! Reader

Warnings/Tropes: language, angst, fluff, smut(18+), star-crossed lovers, right person/wrong time, cheating, talks of mental abuse, talks of death, depressive thoughts, talks about not being able to conceive, and endometriosis.

Summary: “I can wait for years, heaven knows I’m not getting over you.” A story about two star-crossed lovers, that always find their way back because their souls are entwined. The universe desperately attempts to bring them together, no matter what the cost.

Authors Note: So what originally was supposed to be a super long chapter, I decided to cut it in half! So JP will end with Chapter Thirty-one! Also, this chapter speaks HEAVILY on endometriosis and not being able to conceive so please, read with caution if that may be a sensitive topic for you. 🖤

Tags[CLOSED]: @blueskylinesx @missduffsblog @hayleylatour @sleepyomens @loeytuan98 @artificialbreezy @marvelousmal @bngurngheart @lma1986 @dsireland86 @wild-child-7747 @calleyx13 @illmakeyousaywow @jaded-and-hollow-souls @exitwoundsx @shayzillaaaa @badomensls @princesspeach-00 @shadowseve @collective-heartbreak @klutzy-kay24 @sorrowsofsilence @sweetlittlekitsune @shilohrosechicken @itsafullmoon @toospooktocute @niicoleleigh @thatchickwiththecamera @hoe-for-daddywise @whenthesummerdies @thisbicc @sammyjoeee @joe9cool @ozwriterchick @teenblues @malice-ov-mercy @krisslee18 @xxkittenkissesxx @happi-goth @embracethereaper42 @softvgold @cncohshit @heyyoplayer @rain-down-on-me @bloody-delusion-expert @respectfulrebel @reader13000 @koskeepsake @malerieee @cheyyyyr @myownthoughts12 @noahsbong @laurpartyprogram @cloudykoookie @jessiskyee @a1ex-ba1ex @sideeyenoah @emzandthevoid @badomensls @bellaboo967 @waake-mee-up @rxdlstgn @anthemheatwave @lobolocaamo @cncohshit @amelia-acero @karenfranco @collidewiththesavannah @xserenax-13 @bleachampion @thepastelfae @supersquirrel1996 @madomens @themodern-daywednesday @oxythoughtin7715

THIS IS FICTION. NONE OF THIS IS REAL.

READER

I paced the entire bathroom while muttering under my breath and cracking my fingers nervously. My heart was beating so fast, I felt like it could explode out of my chest like one of those aliens in that one movie Davis made me watch last night. I grasped at my chest underneath my shirt, desperately hoping the pounding would stop.

This was the longest five minutes of my life.

I peeked at the timer on my phone and sighed; two minutes and 12 seconds left to go.

Weeks of feeling sick and sheer exhaustion had been nothing new for me, especially with my endometriosis. But there was something new that had me in this current position of nervousness.

My period was late. I’d always been regular, every month if falling either on the same day or two days difference but never this late.

Two weeks late.

My bottom lip was raw from how hard I’d been chewing on it and my feet ached from how fast I was pacing the space of the cold bathroom; Noah made sure to set the A/C to a chilled 66 degrees before he left this morning. Our plans of meeting had been pushed back by an hour because of my last minute decision. I knew he was wondering where I was since I heard his text tone while the timer had been going.

Excitement filled my veins because of the small idea that our future together could finally get the thing we both secretly wanted. Something that would make us complete.

I rested a hand over my stomach as I stared down at the timer on my phone.

Quickly hitting the cancel button, I took a deep breath and slowly reached for the overturned test on the bathroom counter. So many different thoughts ran through my mind; names, genders, color schemes for the nursery, who they would look like, and how loved they would be.

Negative.

I blinked slowly at the words on the pregnancy test, feeling my heart drop down to the depths way below my stomach. All the happiness I felt for possibly overcoming the hard parts of my endometriosis shattered in pieces around me. The prospect of a life that was never meant to be mine was ripped from my hands before I even had a chance to grasp it.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I blew out a shaky breath, doing whatever I could not to let the negative test break me. I should have expected it, women like me with these issues can't get pregnant. A baby and family with Noah wasn’t meant for me.

Kuma came bounding into the bathroom, shaking off the excess fur that had been littering the ground lately causing Noah to run to the store the other day to buy a Roomba.

Letting the test fall to the bathroom counter, I reached down to pet Kuma between the ears and sniffled away my tears.

“Hey bud. Ready to go?”

With a wag of his tail and a bark, he followed me closely as I went about the bedroom now, gathering my things. I was going to drop Kuma off at his favorite dog daycare on my way to meet Noah at the location for the next Bad Omens music video shoot.

Noah.

Pausing in the middle of my bedroom with one arm in my jacket and the other pulling up my leggings, I reached for my phone that was placed on the bed.

Mochi 🍡: I sat in the chair for almost six hours to look like this so when you walk in, you better still love me.

Attached to the text was a picture of Noah, one that made me let out a small yell of surprise.

Me: Woah, is this what I have to look forward to in the future? If so, sign me up.

Mochi 🍡: All yours for as long as you want, angel.

Even through the pain and utter feeling of loss, I broke out in a small smile.

Me: Hm, forever seems good to me.

Mochi 🍡: Ditto.

After sending him a text to letting him know I’d be there soon, I finished getting dressed and walked into the kitchen with Kuma trotting behind to see Michael giving himself a pep talk in the reflection of the patio door that led out to the backyard.

“I thought you would have left by now?” I asked.

He smoothed out his hair and adjusted his jacket. “I would have but I’m so fucking nervous. I’ve been on dates before so I’m not sure why this one has me shaking.”

“Because you like her, Michael. You’ve been talking almost every night. She’s waited almost a month of you taking things slow to ask her out. Lori wants this just as much as you do,” I said while ruffling his hair and scurrying away before he could retaliate.

As I reached the front door and clipped on Kuma’s leash, I noticed Tay coming down the stairs.

“Hey, you still don’t mind picking up Kuma from daycare tonight, right? I’m not sure how long I’ll be at this shoot.”

She eagerly smiled while tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Definitely! Jesse and I were planning on taking him to this cute little dog cafe downtown if that’s alright?”

It was my turn to nod. “He would love that.”

“Everything alright?” Tay questioned while raising a brow. “You look like you’re about to cry.”

Blinking rapidly, I cleared my throat and averted my gaze down to the ground. “Just tired. Noah’s been gone the last couple of days for this shoot. I don’t sleep well without him.”

Tay sighed while grabbing both of my hands, forcing me to look at her. “You can talk to me, you know that right?”

Pulling my lips in a thin line, I nodded. “Ye-yeah. I know. I promise I’m fine.”

Before she could say anything else, Jesse emerged from the back yard through the kitchen patio doors where he had been cutting the grass; shirtless. Tay’s attention was immediately averted towards him which I used as my opportunity to slip away.

Waving goodbye to them, I put on a brave face and prepared myself to shift into work mode, hiding the pain behind the smile on my face.

NOAH

I bounced on the soles of my feet, excitedly waiting for Y/N to arrive. My one gloved hand was shoved deep in my coat pocket while the other was out as I stared down at the makeup that went into making it look old and wrinkled; along with my face. We never had plans to make a music video for Just Pretend but with how it blew up over night on Tik Tok and we realized how much people love the song, we knew it had to be done.

Just Pretend was mine and Y/N’s song, something that was meant for the two of us. But my mind immediately began to run with ideas on how we could make the music video work for our Concrete Jungle universe. Thankfully, she was on board with the entire idea even though she was a bit worried about her being in the music video with me.

“It’s just your arm and bracelet, angel. No one will see your face.”

“Five minutes, Noah!”

Glancing over my shoulder towards Erik, I nodded. “Y/N’s almost here.”

Erik Rojas nodded with a sly smile before looking back at the computer monitor, going over what we had shot yesterday with the younger couple in the music video. I worked from 8 in the morning to nearly midnight and by the time I got home and crawled into bed next to Y/N, she was fast asleep. This morning, I left even earlier with a kiss to her forehead. For nearly six hours, I sat in a chair so the make up department could age me by sixty years.

“Well, who’s this handsome fellow?”

Turning on my heels, my heart soared into my chest when I saw Y/N walk through the door of the building we were shooting the video in, her usual glow behind her; one that I immediately noticed was muted gray, darkness creeping in.

“Are you alright?” I questioned while cupping her cheek with my gloved hand.

Her face faltered, only for a moment, before she gave me a bright yet forced smile. “I’m tired, that’s all. I can’t sleep without you.”

The pain was evident behind her smile. I parted my lips to ask her again but Y/N was quick to change the subject.

“So this is what old Noah looks like, huh?” She tapped my wrinkled cheek before scrunching up her face in disgust at the large premade stain of my white shirt. “How bad is it bothering you that you can’t wash that?”

I groaned while letting my eyes shut. “So bad.”

We both shared a laugh as I brought her into my embrace, catching her wrist with my gloved hand. “Did you wear your bracelet?”

Motioning towards her caught wrist, I pulled down the sleeve of her jacket to see the silver chain around her.

“I never take it off, Noah. You know that.”

All I could do was nod, the festering feeling of Y/N hiding something from me was a storm inside of me. We always talked to each other about things that were bothering us so it upset me that she tried to keep this to herself. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, I could read her like a book and she was the part where the main character was about to do something drastic to keep their secrets. Knowing that now wasn’t the best time to bring it up, I averted the subject for the time being.

“Does this old man get a kiss from his best girl?”

Y/N hummed while stepping on the tips of her toes and brushed a kiss across my lips. It was one that was barely felt, gone before it registered in my brain. Something unlike her.

“Angel,” I began but she was swiftly called over by the make up department, needing to get her ready for her part of the music video.

Giving them a nod, she turned back towards me to ruffle my hair. “I’ll see you in a bit, mochi.”

She slipped through my fingers like a ghost, further creating distance between me; physically and spiritually. My gaze lingered on her, long after she was gone, and I tried hard not to let the worry I felt for her cloud my mind today. We still had a lot of work to get done on this music video.

“Noah, you ready?” One of the assistants helping out Erik called over to me from his position next to the old chair surrounded by monitors.

“One second,” I said while pulling out my phone and clicking on the ‘House Boy’s’ group chat.

Me: Did Y/N seem weird to you guys this morning?

Michael: Nope. She gave me shit about being nervous for my date with Lori.

That was normal for her.

Jesse: Tay said when she ran into Y/N before she left, it looked like she was about to cry.

My head snapped up from my phone down to the hallway where Y/N had just walked down moments before.

She was crying?

Me: Something seems off with her. I tried to talk to her about it but she blew it off.

Jesse: I’m sure she doesn’t want to ruin the mood for the shoot. Maybe try talking to her about it again later?

I sighed, knowing that Jese was right. Both Y/N and I were professionals when it came to our work; here wasn’t the place for a conversation that could potentially lead to her crying.

Me: You’re right.

Me: Also, Michael, can you feed Salem? I noticed his food bin was empty but didn’t have time to refill it on my way out this morning. We keep the extra bags in our bathroom closet.

Michael: That’s a weird place to keep extra bags of cat food. But sure. I’ll do it for my bud Salem.

Pocketing my phone with a breath, I shifted into work mode and spent the next little while filming my part of the video; finger pressing the button of the remote in my hand and clawing at the tube in my throat. It was pretty easy and went smoothly. By the time I finished, Y/N had returned dressed in a white cardigan sweater and her left arm done with the special effect make-up, her bracelet sparking under the low light of the set as I sat up from the chair.

“I still think we should have aged you by sixty years so we could match,” I joked as she reached me.

“Will you read to me by the ocean when I’m old and gray?” She teased while pulling me closer by my own sweater to press a kiss to my lips.

“Until our last dying breath,” I vowed with all the seriousness in my voice.

Our eyes met in a fiery trance, neither of us wanting to break it first and the longer we stared at each other, I could see the light slowly beginning to ignite behind hers once again. The light that was her halo, however, was still flickering.

“Are you ready for your big moment?” I asked as we began walking down the long hallway towards the made up hospital room where Y/N would be.

She snorted while linking our fingers together, hands beginning to sway between us. “All I have to do is lay there while the doctors try to save my life. Just show the bracelet and make sure it looks pretty.”

I pulled us to a stop in the hallway, twirling her around and pulling her into my chest; her laughter echoing all around us.

“That shouldn’t be too hard for you because you’re always pretty,” I winked before capturing her lips into a kiss.

This one had a bit more force than the last but I could still tell something was bothering her. It pained me that I wasn’t able to talk to her about it because it was evident that something happened this morning before she left the house, something pretty important that she felt the need to keep hidden.

My phone buzzed three times in the pocket of my pants but I ignored it, deciding to keep Y/N in my arms just a few seconds longer. She brushed away a few strands of hair from my face.

“I can’t get over how good you look,” she breathed over my lips before pushing away from me and following Erik into the room at the end of the hall.

With a cheeky smile, I walked back towards where I was previously sitting in the chair with the monitors around me. The plan was for me to wake up from my memory core dreaming when the memory of my younger love was dying and follow the doctors down the hall to where old Y/N was laying in the bed dying.

My phone buzzed again in my pocket as I sat back down in the chair and when I fished it out of my pants, I gave a confused furrow of brows at Michael’s missed call and texts.

Three of them, in fact.

Michael: DUDE WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE.

Michael: Has Y/N said anything to you more about what was bothering her?

Michael: I fed Salem by the way.

Knowing I only had a few minutes before we needed to start shooting again, I quickly typed up a response.

Me: No she hasn’t. She seemed fine now when I was talking to her. I think whatever was bothering her, she’s over it now.

Michael: You sure about that?

“What?” I muttered under my breath.

Me: What the fuck do you know?

I couldn’t wait for his response because soon Erik poked his head into the room. “We’re about ready.”

Tossing my phone over to Bryan who had been on the set with us taking pictures, I pointed to him. “If I get another text from Michael, will you let me know?”

He nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

Even though my mind was whirling from Michael’s texts, I did my best to not let it affect me. All we had left was a few hours of this music video shoot and then once we were back home, I could talk to Y/N about what the hell was bothering her.

READER

Stifling a yawn behind my hand, I dragged my feet up the freshly cut lawn towards the front door, ready to put an end to the very long and exhausting day. The darkness of the night sky blanketed over me, bringing a chill to my bones. The thought of being able to wash away today and crawl into bed brought a small smile to my lips, although it never reached my eyes.

Glancing over my shoulder towards my car, I expected Noah to be following behind me but I frowned when I remembered he stayed back on set for a couple of reshoots he and Erik wanted to do. Pulling out my phone, I sent him a quick text.

Me: I made it home. I’m going to shower and get some sleep. Please don’t be too late, I miss sleeping next to you for more than a few hours.

Noah responded before I even had a chance to pocket my phone.

Mochi 🍡: I’m actually leaving now. Erik is forcing me to leave since I’ve been here since 8 this morning. Save me some hot water? I need to scrub this glue shit off my face.

Smirking, I stepped through the unlocked front door while typing away my message.

Me: Better yet, I’ll wait for you to shower. Save water, you know?

I wasn’t able to see Noah’s response because I jumped, nearly dropping my phone when my eyes landed on the figure sitting in the corner of the barley lit living room. His eyes darker than the cloud that had been hovering over me all day and I took a large step back against the wall behind me, clutching my chest.

“Please tell me you told him,” Michael sat up in his chair, elbows on his knees.

I swallowed thickly while adjusting the strap of my bag on my shoulder. “I need to take Kuma out.”

I made it all of two steps before he rose from his spot, his deep voice stopping me in my tracks.

“Did you tell Noah?” He repeated again, this time more stern than the last.

“What are you talking about?” I semi snapped, turning towards him.

“Don’t play dumb, Y/N.” Michael scoffed while resting his hands on his hips. “I found it.”

My face blanched, all the color draining from it and I cleared my throat. “I have no idea-.”

“Fuck, Y/N. You left it on the bathroom counter!” He exasperated while running a hand through his already disheveled hair.

“You went into my bathroom?!” My voice was raised as I pinned him with a thin stare. “That’s an invasion of privacy, Michael!”

The sharpness of his face softened just a fraction with the hardness of my tone so he let out a long sigh.

“Noah asked me to grab the extra bag of cat food from your bathroom so I could feed Salem. I swear I didn’t touch it but I saw it lying out on the bathroom counter,” he explained.

Fuck.

I remember getting distracted with Kuma this morning so I never threw it out. I left it out on the bathroom counter, out in the open for anyone to see; for Michael to find.

“Did you tell Noah?” I questioned with a tight grip on the strap of my bag, knuckles turning white.

Michael shook his head. “No. It’s not my business to tell him. Do you plan to?”

I let out a staggered breath while shifting all of my weight from one foot to another. I thought about telling Noah about what happened this morning but with how busy we were today, I never found the best time to. And to be frank, the work space wasn’t exactly a perfect scene for this kind of conversation.

“It’s better he doesn’t know, Michael,” I blew out a shaky breath as the tears welled up in my eyes.

The walls that I had made to block myself from the dreaded feeling of failure were crumbling, cracks withering deep within my soul. Noah would have been crushed if I told him and the last thing I needed was for him to feel like he was the failure when none of this was his fault.

It was on me.

Michael gently took off my bag and set it on the couch before wrapping his arms around me. His familiar embrace brought on the tears, rapidly falling in quick succession and I gripped at the front of the shirt, letting the feeling of my shortcomings and lies overcome me.

His large hand rubbed at my back. “It’s alright, Y/N.”

“Why would he want to stay, Michael? I’m broken. Unfixable. He doesn’t deserve that,” my sobs were muted by his gray sweater as I buried my face into Michael’s chest.

Sympathetic hands lifted my chin so I had no choice but to look into his eyes.

“You. Are. Not. Broken.” Michale’s word were punctuated by a tender squeeze of my cheeks.

I couldn’t speak, couldn’t even nod with how from his grip was, so I remained silent.

“Noah still loves you, even with these flaws you claim to have. You know deep in your heart that he deserves to know the truth because if he finds out another way, it’s going to hurt him even more than you keeping it a secret,” Michael said.

I did my best to nod. “I-I know.”

“Good,” he kissed the top of my head in a protective brother sort of way. “I’m sorry if I came at you like a dick. It wasn’t my intention.”

I gave him one final hug before pulling away. “It’s alright. You were just worried about Noah. I’ll tell him. I just need time to process everything. I haven’t had a chance to breathe and mourn the idea.”

Michael nodded. “Understandable. Just don’t want too long, okay?”

“I won’t,” I sniffled.

With one final hug, I made my way through the kitchen down the long hallway towards my bedroom, with the sole intent of cleaning up the mess from earlier. As I stepped through the threshold, my aching heart doubled in size at what I saw. Salem and Kuma both curled up on the bed. Kuma had his large paw on top of Salem’s back, almost as if he was keeping him in place on the bed.

With a faint smile, I pulled out my phone to snap a picture just as Noah came barreling through the door seconds behind me; Salem and Kuma jumping from the sudden noise.

“Fuck!” I clutched at my heart, it beating hard in my chest.

Noah’s almond eyes were bright with excitement even with all the prosthetic glue stuck to his face still.

“Guess what?!” He asked while gripping my elbows.

I giggled at him as he gently shook me. “You can say avocado correctly?”

His smile faltered only for a fraction of a second. “You’re lucky we're in a time crunch otherwise I’d bend you over the bed and smack your ass for being a smart ass.”

Swallowing thickly, I managed to ask him what he was so excited about.

“Courtney called me while on my way home, I guess their opener for their show tomorrow night can’t make it because their van broke down. She asked if Hollow Souls could open up? The only reason why she called me was because she didn’t have your number.”

My heart was beating so loud in my ears, I thought for a second I misheard him so I had to wave a hand, stopping his rambling.

“Wait. Courtney as in Spirit Box? She wants my little band to open up for her?” I asked, dumbfounded.

There was absolutely no way a band like Spirit Box wanted Hollow Souls to open up for them? We weren’t on the same level as them; us farther down the list.

Noah chuckled while kissing my lips before moving about our room to start packing a bag. “Give yourself some credit, angel. Hollow Souls is one of the biggest metalcore bands right now.”

“Yeah but-,” the words trailed off as I chipped away at the fading nail polish.

“Y/N,” he sighed while setting down our matching pair of duffle bags on the bed. “You know Hollow Souls is where they’re at because of all the work you, Chase, and Malcolm have put in. Toot your own horn, angel.”

My lips curved up in a smile, knowing that he was right.

“I’m assuming you already told Chase and Malcolm?”

“Yep, they’ll pick us up in an hour. We figured we leave tonight and that way we’re there before soundcheck.”

Nerves ate away at my insides, this being the first time Hollow Souls performed on stage in quite awhile. We did have a future tour planned in a few months so this actually was a good way for us to dip our feet in again.

“Where’s the show?” I asked while finally starting to pack my own bag, Noah nearly finished with his.

“Las Vegas. It’s a two night event but they only need us for the first night so I thought we could do something fun while we're out there,” he suggested.

“Us?” I questioned while zipping up my suitcase.

Noah smirked, showcasing his pearly whites. “Courtney asked if I could come out during Holy Roller.”

I quipped a brow. “You guys do know both of you on stage together are going to kill everyone, right?”

He walked past me, leaving a kiss on my cheek. “Just think of what would happen if we were on stage together.”

I watched in horror as he walked towards the bathroom and I nearly stumbled over my feet to stop him; never having the chance to clean up the pregnancy test I left behind earlier. I beat him to the bathroom seconds before he could walk past the doorway.

“Uh, I’ll pack up the toiletries. Do you want to make sure that Jesse and Michael are fine with watching Kuma and Salem?”

Noah tilted his head towards me, confusion etched on his features. “You know they don’t care, angel.”

I pursed my lips. “Right. But I just want to make sure. Since it’s last minute, I’m not sure if either of them have something already planned.”

If he didn’t believe my words, he made no mention of it. Instead, he nodded before quickly stepping out into the hallway right outside our bedroom, yelling down to the living room.

“MICHAEL?! CAN YOU WATCH MY KIDS THE NEXT TWO DAYS?”

Rolling my eyes, I called over my shoulder while scurrying into the bathroom. “I could have just done that!”

“Then why didn’t you!” Noah shot back playfully as I scooped up what was left behind on the counter, forcing myself not to adhere to the rejection, and throwing it into the trash next to the toilet.

READER

I sat with my back against the headboard, knees pulled up to my chest as my sketchbook lay across my lap. It had been a very long day due to travel, and I only wanted to lay in bed while wallowing in my own failures. We returned back from Vegas earlier this morning, the last four days a whirlwind of emotions that I had yet to process. From the moment Hollow Souls opened up for Spirit Box, to seeing Noah perform next to Courtney, and from running into someone who I spilled all of my secrets to; one who understood.

My fingers were black from the charcoal clutched between them while Kuma lay at the end of the bed and Salem perched on Noah's pillow. I hummed a quiet tune, finding myself deep in the zone that helped keep the moment from last night out of my mind. All of my hopes and dreams were crushed in a matter of minutes and it was something that was still severely affecting me. I made a mistake, one that I was afraid I’d never return from. I refused to let Noah know what happened. It was a secret that I planned on taking with me to my grave.

"Angel?"

"Hm?" I answered Noah, not bothering to look away from my sketch.

"What's this?" He asked, voice stern with anger.

Glancing over to his frame as it stepped out of the bathroom, I sucked in a breath when I saw what he'd been holding. All of the colors drained from my face as the room around us shifted on its axis, everything falling away from me without giving me a chance to grasp it.

Shit.

My negative pregnancy test. The one I thought I had thrown away before we left; four days ago.

Swallowing thickly, I set down my sketchbook and sat up straighter. “What is that?”

Noah’s eyes narrowed in on me as a scoff left his lips. “You tell me. I found it in the bathroom trash can.”

“Why are you digging through the trash?” I asked, deflecting his curious eyes as I picked at a loose thread of our blanket.

He rested his hands on his hips, still holding onto the damn test. “I went to empty the bag and noticed the test sitting on top. How long has it been there?”

“It’s none of your business,” I shook my head, not bothering to meet his gaze anymore, unable to process the look of pure hurt on his delicate features.

“Bullshit!” Noah spat with such force in his voice, it made my face flinch. “I’m tired of how you’re keeping things from me! It started last night with Joe and now this-!”

He held up his hand, waving the test around. “You don’t get the right to hide something like this from me, Y/N!”

“I didn’t keep Joe a secret from you! I told you he was there,” I reminded him, still sitting on the bed.

Kuma and Salem could feel the tension rising but made no effort to leave us.

“You won’t tell me what you two talked about,” he reiterated, our earlier conversation from the car still lingering between us.

Last night while we were in Vegas, I ran into Joe in the lobby of the hotel we were staying in. nothing, nowhere had a concert in a few days hence why he was in Vegas. Noah was up in our room, sleeping, and I had come down to get more towels from the front desk. Instead of hurrying back up to Noah, I stayed with Joe catching up on one of the couches in the lobby. I spilled everything to him about my hopes and dreams of a family with Noah to the negative pregnancy test. Joe was there as a shoulder to cry on as I poured my soul out to him, bleeding out and barely holding onto my heart.

After an hour of conversation, I promised I would keep more in contact with Joe and headed back up to my hotel room, where Noah was still fast asleep. It wasn’t until this morning I brought up that I had run into Joe and spent part of the night talking with him. When he asked what we talked about, I merely told him we just caught up while talking about both of our separate music careers. If Noah caught on that I was lying, he made no mention of it as we drove home with Chase and Malcolm in the backseat; neither of them knowing my secret.

For the briefest of moments, I thought that Noah had forgotten about the test in his hands.

“Did you take it this morning?” He tossed the test onto the bed before running a hand through his mahogany streaked hair. It had been a while since I gave him a haircut so the strands were always falling into his eyes.

“What was the result?” Noah asked when I remained silent, still keeping my eye cast down to my lap.

Since it had been a few days, the negative lines faded, not showing Noah the result. When I still said nothing, not finding my voice to tell him the truth, I could feel his displeasure radiate off of him in droves.

“God dammit it, angel! Look at me, please!”

The sheer brokenness in his voice as it cracked finally made me raise my head up towards him. “I’m tired of you shutting me out. I deserve to know what the result was.”

Noah slowly reached for me, hands linking with mine as he pulled me to my knees on the bed so his tender fingers could caress my cheek. Tears ran down my face, unable to hold back any longer. For days I did my best to keep up the facade that everything was fine, I wasn’t falling deeper and deeper into the abyss of defeat. But one longing glance from Noah as his eyes bounced between mine had me crumbling.

“Angel,” his voice was rough as he begged. “Please tell me it was positive.”

A broken sob fell from my lips when I saw the hopeful gleam in his eyes and did my best to shake my head in his grasp.

“It was negative.”

Noah now stood before me a shattered shell of the man he’d spent so long protecting. Every ounce of happiness that he had expressed from that one look was gone, replaced with an all too familiar one.

Disappointment.

“When did you take it?” He wondered, again doing his best to stay strong; not just for me but him as well.

“The morning of the Just Pretend shoot,” I admitted in a quiet breath.

Noah’s brows pulled together in a line before his hands fell from my face. “You knew about this for the last four days and you didn’t tell me?”

My lips parted, unable to speak when I realized I had outed myself about my secret.

“Were you even going to tell me, Y/N?” His voice shook, trying his best to not break down. But his eyes shone with tears.

Slowly licking my lips, I did my best to ignore the way my heart was beating so loud in my chest it felt like I was about to cave in. My world was collapsing, slipping through my fingers because of my own failures and stupidity.

“No,” I answered in a breath.

NOAH

Tossing my gym bag next to the front door, I let the cool air help dry the sweat dampening the back of my neck as I stepped farther into the house. It was quiet, eerily quiet for a Tuesday afternoon. Typically Jesse would be in the studio garage working on ERRA stuff while Tay would be at work and Michael would be either playing a game in the living room or reading out back. They were in neither of those places. Even Kuma was gone but I didn’t fret too much about that one, knowing that someone had dropped him off at daycare earlier today. He was steadily growing in a house that was already too small for an Akita so he needed the extra space of the play yards at daycare to run around, exerting as much energy as he could before coming home.

Salem was perched on the top part of his cat condo in front of the window in the living room; the one I had bought for him when we first moved in here. The sun’s rays blanketed him in a bright glow, his black fur almost shimmering.

“Hey bud,” I cooed while scratching his ears. “Is mom home?”

A futile question. Y/N had barely been home the last couple of weeks, spending whatever free time she had either at Malcolm and Chase’s place recording stuff for Hollow Souls or helping Astrid out at Fika. They were down two workers and with Jolly being tied up in the studio with us, it meant Astrid was back to working long hours. Y/N, being the kind soul she was offered to help out. What originally was supposed to be a few days helping out turned into two weeks. Y/N would wake up in the morning before the rest of the house and leave with a kiss to my lips. Some nights, she wouldn’t return home until well after I was in bed with Kuma and Salem. I never questioned her about it, knowing that she was telling the truth on where she was due to her location on LIFE360. I also never questioned her about her long days and nights knowing that it was her way of coping with the negative pregnancy test.

We hadn’t talked about it since that night I found it in the trash. Part of me couldn’t help but think it was because Y/N was ashamed of the result. She knew how much I wanted a family and felt like a failure that she was unable to give me that. Even though I assured her all the time that between her and our pets, that was more than enough family for me.

My words meant nothing to her. It was as if it went through one ear and immediately out of the other. No matter how much I repeated them or spoke them into the skin of her neck as we lay tangled together in the sheets, it did nothing to fill the empty void in Y/N’s heart.

With a deep sigh, I dragged my feet through the empty kitchen, down the hallway towards my bedroom. The door was closed which gave me pause almost immediately. Whenever Y/N or I left, we always kept the door open, in case Kuma or Salem wanted to come and go. According to LIFE360, Y/N was again at Fika, so with the closed door in front of me, I couldn’t help but wonder who had been in our room.

Pushing the door open, I peered inside to see the bed still made just how I left it before I went to the gym and the patio door still cracked open to let in the chilled autumn air.

Maybe a gust of wind shut the door?

Letting out a choked breath with the familiar feeling of being forgotten clutching my jugular, I kicked off my shoes into the closet and trudged into the bathroom. The air was cold, not from the air conditioner but from the absence of the one that held my heart; the one my soul yearned for time and time again when Y/N was away.

Cliche but I didn’t care. She was my other half, the moon to my stars and the sun to my rays. When Y/N was too far away, the invisible string that ties us together nearly disintegrated. But when we were together, nothing could cut the string. It became invincible with the love we shared.

Again, cliche. But I couldn’t give a fuck what anyone thought.

Stripping out of my gym clothes that clung to me with dried sweat, I tossed them into the hamper next to the shower and turned the dial all the way to the left, letting the steam slowly begin to fill the bathroom. I stretched my arms above my head, muscles screaming in agony from how far I pushed myself today with Ash. I had weeks of pent up emotions that I was unable to exert any other way than in the gym. Ash knew something was wrong but didn’t want to pry, especially when there were others around that could easily eavesdrop on our conversation. Not like I would have told him because no one knew about the negative test besides Y/N and I.

Well, scratch that; Michael knew only because he saw the test on the bathroom counter. He promised us that he wouldn’t tell anyone about it and we knew we could trust him. This secret wasn’t his to tell.

I finally stepped into the scalding shower, the water hitting against the large tattoo on my back as I hung my head low, mind swirling to thoughts of Y/N and what she was doing currently. I texted her when I left the gym if she was going to be home for dinner, to which she responded with two simple words.

Angel 🪽: I’ll try.

Bullshit.

She never tried. Any chance Y/N could do to avoid the problems between us, she took it. She opted to help out others before herself, running herself rampant and nearly in the ground rather than face our problems head on. Y/N put others before herself, which wasn’t anything different. Yet this time, it was worse. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually watched her eat a full meal or had more than six hours of sleep.

We all could tell she’d been on edge the last couple of days, afraid that if we said one wrong thing that Y/N would snap. It felt like we had to walk on eggshells around her because of this fear. Tay wouldn’t say it but I could tell she was uncomfortable with the energy Y/N had been radiating, making the tension of the house thick with negativity. We knew it wasn’t her fault but there was only so much more one of us could take.

Me especially.

Y/N had been pushing me away ever since we came back from Vegas but Michael assured me that it wasn’t intentional. Deep down I understood that but my heart hurt everytime I would reach for her in bed and she would brush off my touch or turn away when I would attempt to capture her lips in a kiss. If she wasn’t the one initiating the contact, Y/N would push me away.

Once the water had run cold, I shut off the shower and stepped out, wrapping a towel low around my waist. Steam covered all the reflective surfaces but I didn’t bother to look, not caring to notice yet again the dark bags under my eyes. With Y/N being gone so often, I felt like I’d barely slept.

When I walked back into the bedroom, I saw Kuma curled up in the overly large dog bed in front of the patio door, snoozing away unbothered.

“Who picked you up, bud?” I muttered mostly to myself as I walked into the closet, pulling on a pair of briefs and black joggers. Then slipping into a plain white shirt, I hung up the towel back into the bathroom before walking out into the kitchen, towards an array of weary voices.

Suddenly I remembered that we were having everyone over tonight for a barbeque and more than anything, I wanted to crawl into bed with Y/N, who was standing in the middle of the kitchen with a pulled expression on her face. Her skin had lost all its color and the dark circles under her eyes were worse than my own, indicating she was getting less sleep than me.

As soon as I stepped into the kitchen, Kuma immediately ran towards Matt, who held Boo in his hands. After a quick greeting, Matt set down his dog to which both of them ran through the open patio door into the backyard. Feeling me watching her, Y/N looked up from slicing the tomatoes, resting her tired eyes on me.

“Hi,” I said while shifting on my feet. “Did you pick up Kuma?”

She made a grunt that sounded like a yes. “After I stopped at the store to buy everything for tonight. Something I thought you were going to do.”

Davis and Jolly, who were standing next to me, stiffened with the tone in Y/N’s voice. Matt and Faye were leaning against the wall next to the fridge and I could tell that they were having their own hushed conversations. Micheal and Jesse were outside, getting the grill ready. Astrid was standing next to Y/N helping her set up the side dishes for the dinner tonight and she rested a soft hand on her arm.

“Y/N-,” Astrid began but Malcolm, who was stocking the fridge with drinks muttered something in her ear.

I clenched my fists at my side when I realized how we all were yet again walking on eggshells around Y/N. I loved her but it wasn’t fair how she was treating us. But I bit my tongue knowing that if I snapped back at her, it would only escalate the situation.

Chase came up from behind me and rested a hand on my shoulder. “Just let it go, Noah.”

I planned too, like I always had but Y/N spoke again.

“I thought you were going to stop at the store to pick up stuff for dinner tonight,” she grumbled as she sliced a new tomato.

“I forgot that the barbeque was tonight,” I admitted while stuffing my hands deep into my pockets.

Y/N rolled her eyes before angrily slicing the tomato now. “Figures. Did you by chance pick up my packages from the PO Box?”

I swallowed. “I was in the studio all morning and then went to my training session with Ash right after. I didn’t have time. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t fucking talk to me about not having time, Noah,” this time when she sliced into the tomato, it rocked the cutting board. “I asked you to do two things tonight while I was gone. I’d been running myself ragged helping everyone else. The least you could have done is gone to the fucking store.”

My jaw clenched as I was about to retort back; however someone beat me to it.

“Y/N,” Faye’s soft voice echoed in the filled space of the kitchen as she tentatively took a step towards her. “Don’t you think you’re being a little harsh? Noah apologized.”

Y/N dropped the knife and whipped her head towards Faye. “This isn’t your fucking business, Faye. Stay out of it!”

Matt quickly pushed himself off the wall and stood between the two women. “Take a second and cool off, Y/N. Faye did nothing to warrant you snapping at her like that. She’s concerned like the rest of us are.”

“Fuck off! It’s not a concern. You guys just want to control me and my life when in fact you don’t know shit about me or what's going on!”

Matt’s eyes narrowed from underneath his hat. “Of course we don’t know what’s going on! You don’t talk to anyone. Noah says you’re barely home anymore, too busy helping others when you can’t even help yourself. You don’t even see how you’re hurting everyone around you because you don’t even see yourself.”

Malcolm stepped forward but Matt’s snarl pinned him in place.

“I don’t know what you’ve got going on outside of us, this family, but it’s been eating away at you. You’ve been in a nasty ass mood and if you think treating the people who love and care about you like this is going to make it any better, you’re dead fucking wrong. Our family is strong and while it’s not perfect, we fucking work through the bullshit together. If you think you can continue going on and dealing with your shit alone, then you’re destined to fail.”

My eyes never left Y/N as Matt’s words hung in the air, dancing around her in a mocking tone.

Failure. Failure. You’re such a fucking failure.

“Alright that’s enough!” My voice boomed, causing everyone to stop what they were doing and Jesse with Michael trailing behind to step back inside.

“Noah-,” Matt started but I pinned him with a glare as I stepped around the large island towards Y/N.

“We need to talk. Now!” I demanded while linking my fingers with her and all but dragging her down the hallway towards our bedroom.

The door vibrated against the walls as I slammed it shut behind us, not giving Y/N a second to speak before I started to speak.

“What you did out there,” I pointed towards the closed door. “Was so fucking wrong on all kinds of levels.”

“It wasn’t her business!” She shot back while crossing her arms over her chest.

For the first time since I laid eyes on her tonight, I noticed she was burying herself underneath my yellow sweater; almost hiding herself from everyone. Her usually styled dark hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, wild strands falling into her tired face and either she was too weak to brush them away or couldn’t be bothered to care. Even through all of it, she still looked breathtaking.

“Faye didn’t do anything! You didn’t need to snap at her like that.”

Y/N raised a brow while scoffing. “So what, you’re taking her side now?”

I blinked for a moment before letting out a very long breath and ran a hand through my still damp hair.

“It has nothing to do with taking sides, Y/N. It’s the fact that you’ve been acting cold towards everyone. You’ve been avoiding the issues at home by keeping yourself busy in places that don’t need you.”

“Astrid needs my help,” she fought back. “Fika has been busy every day since the new menu and the open mic nights every Friday.”

“She hired three new people this week alone. Does she really still need your help?” I questioned while resting my hands on my hips.

Y/N pursed her lips, no words forming on them.

Point proven.

“When you’re not at Fika, you’re in the Hollow Studios,” I blew out a shaky breath when my voice began to crack. “You’re putting others before you. You’re always helping other people out instead of taking care of yourself. When was the last time you ate something more than a granola bar or a salad?”

She was still quiet so I continued. “I’m tired of seeing you exert all of your energy on others when you’re barely hanging on, angel.”

It was as if my nickname for her softened the hardness around her, only a bit.

“I’m fine, Noah,” Y/N sneered while pacing in front of her vanity.

It had been untouched for weeks, gathering dust along the surface. She barely took the time to do her makeup or hair. Not that any of that mattered to me, I always thought she was beautiful no matter if she wore makeup or not. But I knew it made her happy, gave her a sense of peace in this crazy life we built together.

“You’re not, angel,” I noted while taking a step towards her.

She whipped her head around to face me. “Stop acting like you know me! I’m fucking fine. F.I.N.E. FINE! I’m so tired of everyone saying there’s something wrong with me when there’s not!”

“Everyone has been walking on eggshells around you! You snapped at Faye for no reason. All she’s done is care for you!” My voice was now raised, matching hers.

“I’m not fucking doing this!” Y/N ran fingers through her hair, gripping the ends. “I can’t keep having the same argument with you, Noah!”

I scoffed. “You want to talk about being tired? I’m fucking tired of you walking away when things get to real for you, Y/N. I’m so tired of you taking out your anger and frustrations out on me. I’ve been by your side through it all yet you keep lying to me!”

It was her turn to scoff, almost immediately going on the defensive. “I haven’t lied about anything.”

My brows raised and I rested my hands on my hips. “Are you sure about that? Did you already forget about the pregnancy test?”

“Fuck you, Noah!” Her dark eyes sliced through me. “I can’t believe you’re still hung up on that!”

“OF COURSE I AM!” I bellowed, my voice undoubtedly being heard throughout the house.

Even though my back was facing the patio doors of our bedroom, I could feel many sets of eyes through the open blinds.

“You lied to me about it! You kept the result from me and had no plan on telling me. After you knew what Jessica put me through. The trauma I went through for years because of her. You promised me you would never put me through that but you did!”

Y/N’s jaw ticked as her shoulders went rigid. “I didn’t fake a pregnancy.”

“No, you didn’t. But you kept the results from me,” I reiterated. “You said it yourself you weren’t-.”

“I DID IT FOR YOU!” She screamed, cutting me off, and I cowered when something flew past towards the wall behind me, glass shattering to the ground.

Salem, who had been creeping into the room through the somewhat open door, scurried back into the hallway from the tone in Y/N’s voice and the sound of something breaking. She grabbed a picture of us off of my nightstand and threw it in her rage.

I stood in front of her, dumbfounded Y/N actually threw something. My eyes were wide as my chest rose and fell, trying to calm my racing heart, all the while Y/N looked unphased about what she did.

“I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t bear to see the look on your face when I told you it was negative. You want a family so bad, Noah. I can’t give that to you. I can’t,” her head shook rapidly.

I threw my hands up in the air. “I-I don't fucking want that, Y/N. I just want you!”

Her bottom lip wobbled as she let out an unsteady breath, refusing to meet my gaze even when I took a few steps towards her which caused her to take larger steps away from me.

“I can’t do this,” Y/N murmured while playing with the ends of her hair, turning swiftly on her feet.

She made it all of two steps towards the door when my shattered voice stopped her in her tracks.

“You promised you wouldn’t leave me again! Not like this!”

“So what if I do? Are you going to find Bailey and fuck her again?” Y/N snapped, pinning me with her hateful gaze.

I stumbled back, her words catching me off guard. I knew my decision to sleep with Bailey that night was something that still bothered Y/N, even if she pretended it didn’t. It was a decision that I still regret. I didn’t like who I was back then and the choices I made reflected the dark place I was in during that time.

“That’s low, Y/N,” I growled, the noise vibrating in my chest.

There was some sort of noise from the other side of the cracked door, something sounding like feet scurrying away and cursing. But I didn’t pay too much attention to it. The woman in front of me, the shell of the woman I love, wasn’t even phased with the words she spat at me.

“You should go back to her. She can give you what you want,” Y/N shrugged before crossing her arms over her chest, popping out a hip.

She needs that attitude fucked out of her.

Everything happened all at once; me taking two large steps towards her and pushing Y/N against the wall, pinning her with my large frame. Her hands pushed my chest, trying to create more distance between us but I slammed them above her head.

Tears burned in the corners of my eyes and my bottom lip trembled as I gazed down at her, broken and defeated.

“I feel like you’re doing whatever you can to avoid being with me,” I confessed with a sob. “If I’m not enough for you, after the negative pregnancy test, then please let me know. Stop dragging me along, pretending everything is fine when it’s not! If I’m not worthy anymore, then just fucking tell me, Y/N.”

“It’s me that’s not worthy!” She admitted while thrashing against my hold on her hands. “I’m not worthy enough for you!”

Somehow with her rage, Y/N was able to break free from my grasp around her wrists and pushed me away.

“My body continues to fail. Failing at giving you what you deserve. I can never be worthy enough for you!”

I reached for her, only for her to push me against my chest yet again. “I’m broken. Some days I sit quiet in my head lashing out in thoughts I never said! Those thoughts of how I failed you and our future!”

“Y/N, you didn’t fail,” I assured, trying to reach for her, this time smacking my hands away.

“I get so sick of wearing skin and it only gets harder to pretend that I’m not a disappointment.” Y/N wiped away the snot from her nose on the sleeve of her sweater.

“And then you stare into my fucking soul,” she pounded on her chest. “Like you know that it’s letting go of yours. I can’t take the look of disappointment on your face every time you look at me!”

“I-,” the words died on my lips, knowing that it was futile to try and argue with her because it was true.

Whether I wanted to believe it or not, I couldn’t help but look at Y/N with some short of disappointment lingering at what we could have had together. Guilt ate away at me for even feeling that way. It wasn’t Y/N’s fault that her body could give us what we both secretly wanted.

“My skin crawls every time I see you look at me with those eyes,” Y/N shivered, her upper lip curled in a snarl. “Knowing that I disappointed you.”

“Angel,” my voice caught in my throat as the tears burned in my eyes.

“No!” She screamed when I reached for here one more time and slipped away from me towards the patio doors in our bedroom.

Her face was red and blotchy from how hard she’d been crying and her breathing was erratic as she tried to calm herself. She paced the width of the room while running a shaky hand through her already messed up hair and then ripped off her sweater, letting it drop to the floor. The dark circles under her eyes stained the beauty that I adored. Gone was the sun kissed skin, replaced with a ghostly pale that told anyone who gazed at her that she wasn't alright; she wasn’t taking care of herself.

The light was physically gone from Y/N’s halo and fear sank low in my gut that I would never see it again.

“You've been through the rough, angel. Was my love not enough for you?” I questioned on an end of a broken sob.

Y/N froze her pacing to land her broken gaze on me and those lips I haven’t properly kissed in so long mimicked a fish as no words came from them. Her shoulders fell and I could practically see the air leave her lungs when her head moved the slightest fraction.

“I-.”

My body went rigid as my heart shattered when I noticed something else that was different with Y/N.

I pointed a shaking finger at her bare neckline. “Where’s your necklace? Your bracelet?”

“Fuck,” she cursed, hands flying to her neckline hoping to hide the missing jewelry she claimed she never took off.

Please, let me wake up from this nightmare.

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