#it’s gotten so bad that I am nocturnal now

[xman-0613]

I have decided that the best way for me to be able to fix my awful sleep schedule is make my computer work on Stardew Valley rules. Feel free to stay up till 2:00 AM but you instantly vaporize when you reach that point

[marrows-field-guide]

Welcome~

I'd like to start off by thanking you for taking the time to take a wander through my life's work.

That said, allow me to formally invite you to the experience that is my clusterfuck of a comprehensive Pokemon Field Guide~

My name is Marrow A. Honeysuckle, and I am a Field Researcher who specializes in any and all variations from standard Pokemon phenotypes. I am in the process of creating an illustrated guide of the multitudes of different variants one may encounter across the World of Pokemon.

My main focuses are on the more obscure alternate appearances Pokemon may exhibit. Right now I've been really interested in the phenomena of Ability Forms, where a Pokemon's appearance is effected by their natural ability, as well as documenting the various unique differences in Pokemon such as those classed as subspecies.

This blog will serve as my digital archive for whatever observations, illustrations and experiences I may gather, create and encounter on my journey.

I will also share any other interesting tidbits I find online or otherwise~

{{I'll add a list of tags as I figure them out}}

[Mail/Mystery Gifts] ON

...

Anywayyyy

now that all the "Professional™" shit is out the way

allow me to introduce myself~

Heyo~

Name's Marrow, sometimes they call me Field Researcher Honeysuckle. Who's "they"? fuck if I know lol

I use any and all pronouns: with Masculine, Neos/Neutral, and then Feminine being in order of preference from most to least frequent

I'm 27 and grew up in Kalos, I got my starter around the same time I started working under Prof Sycamore in my mid-teens

The last several years of my life have been spent in Galar, interspersed with trips back to Kalos for shit like conferences and whatnot.

I'm currently in transit to Paldea I have arrived in Paldea after I received some forwarded correspondence the Prof Sycamore accepted for me from a Professor by the name of Sada. he apparently got it[and accepted it on my behalf] like 6 months ago and hadn't gotten around to sending it to me till last week BUT WHATEVER I GUESS

Luckily I was able to stop by my partner's place[aka, home sweet home] since I pass through Kalos on the way. Which meant I could see them for a sweet little rendezvous and drop off some of the Pokemon I gathered during my time in Galar.

My party consists of:

Bean | Espurr ♀ | Ability Variant | My Starter

Skai | Vivillon ♂ | Unique Subspecies Shiny

Hem | Mimikyu ⚥ | Shiny

Still need to evaluate these to know if they are battle capable or not:

Pepper | Sprigatito[?] ♀ | Unidentified Variant | Sight Impaired, unsure to what extent

Plums | Yamper ♀ | Espeon Hybrid | Need to check some things around why she exhibits as half-evolved

I also carry with me an orphaned forever-Snom whom I've named Girasol. He doesn't fight and prefers to ride on my head so I don't count him in my party

I've been told there is a 'mon waiting for me when I arrive in Paldea. They said her variation and appearance has made it difficult for them to adopt her out as it "gives the new trainers 'bad vibes' despite her rarity". They have refused to give me more info. So that's great. I have collected the 'mon. She is an adorable, mostly blind, super fluffy Sprigatito with an un-identified variant subtype.

Just a bit more about me:

I'm a mostly nocturnal bitch, the sun bothers my eyes[and the insane insomnia doesn't help my case lol] and I'm a nomadic researcher by nature.

If you stumble across me in the field during mid-day I'm more than likely to be piled up sleeping with my Pokemon, usually without even a shelter to cover me. I don't mind being in towns/cities but I'm always [just passing through] usually I'm just stocking up on supplies or delivering something for whatever reason

Oh! And I like sweets. But the more "light" ones, not the "heavy" rich ones. Think sweet lemon over chocolate mousse

{{THE FOLLOWING IS ALL "OOC"}}

We follow/like from @r-e-dax-t-e-d as it is our main blog

We are the [REDACTED] System. Outside of this post all OOC will be prefaced as such or written in {{xxxxx}} brackets. THIS BLOG WILL LIKELY CONTAIN TRIGGERING/ADULT TOPICS AT SOME POINTS

We have not pinned down what it will contain exactly but a warnings list will be added in the future. We will likely touch upon horror typical themes at times. We are an adult and prefer to interact with other adults, so while we won't make [No Minors] a hard limit we will be limiting our interaction with underage blogs

We are a DID system, so while we are "roleplaying" in the sense of telling a story as if it were actually happening, Marrow does actually exist within our system and the general arcs are based off of her life within their source. Please act respectfully and keep this in mind

We will not typically discuss pokeph**ia, and on the off chance we do it will be in a mythological context We are taken IRL and Marrow is IC as well. So no serious flirting please[exceptions being obvious jokes/for the bit and only if a we have established a prior level of comfort/connection{i.e. NOT FOR RANDOS}]

We will be adding more to this as we figure shit out

[isaac--r]

So, here are my thoughts on my little meow meows from the dlc (yes, I'm talking about the owls):

The first word that comes to my mind is ''victims''. These people are victims of the Eye, and of the game itself; the first one is easily explained by that one slide reel, which really broke my heart, in which one of those owls scans the Eye and then falls to the ground in horror after getting a nightmarish vision of what's to come. Just the expression on their face, man. I know I'm still pretty early in the dlc, but so far they present as people who just wanted to protect themselves, or take (very understandable) revenge. I'd say the former.

The second point sounds a bit strange, but it's the best way I can put it: they are "victims" of the game (this is not me saying the game did a bad thing, I think it's brilliant actually), in the sense that everything is made to give them a bad rep. The game itself warns you about being scary, and it's obvious that they're the ones you should fear, gigantic deer-owls with glowing eyes, intruding in our solar system with an eerie invisible ship filled with some dark and frightening mysteries.

But I find them sympathetic in every possible way. First, let's look at their stuff. Second only to Timber Hearth, the Stranger is the most welcoming place in the game. The only danger comes from the structures breaking; as a place itself, it's harmless (unless you're dumb enough to swim in rapids). It's way more friendly than Brittle Hollow and its horrifying annoying black hole, or the Ember Twin, which has the worst death in the game. Now, I'm not blaming this on the Nomai, they did what they could with what they had. But the owl people put a lot of effort into making their spaceship a perfect replica of nature, and they're the only ones to do that in the game. As for the contents and structures of the ship, you'll see a lot of personality - and art - there. Decorated houses, rugs and carpets with pretty geometrical patterns, custom furniture, and gorgeous paintings, not to mention the little stylized stuff, like the sun-shaped rotating plates on the doors. Then there's the decorations in the houses, and now we get to look at the owls as people. Their houses have individual and family portraits in them, which shows that they treasure family bonds, and in the slide reels, you can see that they are a pretty tight-knit community (barring that one portrait which is vandalized, which I'm sure will be relevant soon). You see them working together, sharing discoveries, and in that one very sad scene, comforting each other. To me, they are like the Nomai; an alien species of engineers/artists, who have a penchant for discovery, families, bonds, and an interest in the Eye. Oh, and a bunch of corpses lying around too.

But, unlike the nomai, they are presented as scary. Which definitely works, I am personally playing with a heart rate of 500 bpms, but they are only scary according to our horror clichés (and fear of the dark), and if you forget what they are: owls. Of course their eyes glow in the dark, they're owls. Of course it's dark as hell in their world, they're owls, nocturnal people. (I won't comment on the corpse-rooms yet because I'm not that far in the game.) And yeah, green fire is eerie, but all of their light-based tech is green. And having finally gotten the first jumpscare, I'll say... they're chill. Sure, it was terrifying, and for a second there I thought that bird was getting some slow-mo momentum to go for my fucking throat carnivorous style, but all they did was take a huge breath to... blow out my light. That's it. They just kicked me out of there.

So most of the things we find scary about them can just be explained by "they just live in the dark, man". They're just chill birds, who got betrayed by the one thing they worshipped, and are doing... something about it, not sure what yet. Sure, they're stupid huge and their eyes glow, but that's no reason to assume the worst in them. Or even fear them.

I'll wait till the sun comes back up to play though.

[pallysuune]

Oh? What was Meli's face expressing at the time?

What was her reaction when Marazhai and Yrliet got scouted for theater school? Since it's clown ending (idk how 'canon' it is to your playthrough of her or if it's just a fun event for this miniseries), I guess she hasn't gotten close to either of them?

If you had to share media from our Earth to Nocturne (or any other Harlequin, really), which one/s would you show?

Oh naw, I wasn't meaning to imply that Marazhai doesn't deserve getting mocked, just saying that Nocturne likes to snark every now and then. His reaction to first seeing Cassia was something along the lines of "lmao, you got 3 eyes, but u can't even see plot. pro'ly better u don't understand me, tbh.".

Btw, I was already hooked when I saw and read Nocturne of Oblivion's appearances, but your fanfics are the final push in motivating me to make fanart of him. <3 I've been doing that while collecting some excerpts of certain obscure Harlequin stuff.

Awe. Just a lot of awe and appreciation. He's a very good dancer. xD

A little surprised, but not too bothered by it. Meli wasn't super close with either of them, but she did try to do right by them. In that way, it's not exactly like the game where you get that ending by basically doing nothing for them in their personal quests. Meli did help them, but her main concerns were more often on staying alive and figuring out whatever fuckery Calcazar had going on.

In some ways, I think the clown ending is probably the best one for both of them? They were both in pretty bad situations, and Marazhai getting to step away from Commorragh is probably good for him, along with giving Yrliet another community to belong in.

I am a sucker for a snarky man. No wonder I love Nocturne so much. XD

Oo! That's awesome! I'd love to see them, if you'd be willing to share them!

[elina-sakura]

With 2023 coming to an end (in my time zone), I want to reflect on how 2023 has been to me. Mainly on Tumblr and a certain fandom I have been a part of in the beginning. For a long time, I have only ever joined or interacted in fandoms when they had already been formed. I see so many people have history in the fandom (the good and the bad), but I never always end up relating the deeper history from when they joined the fandoms in the beginning of its formations. Until Master Detective Archives: Rain Code was released in June 30th, and I’ve gotten the game later in July for my birthday and fell in love with a whole new world of neon and mystery and detectives and cyberpunk and FOUND FAMILY! And my hyperfixation locked on when I’ve read some of the earliest found family fics on Ao3 involving the Nocturnal Detective Family and Yakou Fathero, especially when I know there are people that enjoys the same concepts as me.

Little did I know of the new friends I would make, the fanfics and AUs I would be following, and even my own creations I would be planning. The game has brought back my creative energy and gave me something new that rejuvenated me. Not that the fandoms I was in were bad at all nor am I leaving, but it was great to be in something new that gave me a creative boost that I didn’t realize I needed until now. It might even be the first fanfic of my own I finally publish on Ao3.

With 2024 upon us, I hope we get more Master Detective Archives contents like English dubbed of that novel I heard about and the MDA mangas that are out. And here is to our creations and AUs and maybe putting them out on the internet in 2024. For now, I’m happy to have finally gotten my own AO3 account, meet new friends, share my Rain Code AUs in my side blog (even if it’s a little messy due to the planning phases), and be a part of a new fandom in Rain Code/Master Detective Archives (and hopefully I’ll publish fics in January 2024)🤞💜

[talldarkandroguesome]

19th of Second Seed, Sundas

No sooner had I returned from my trip with Sildras, than I was informed that the Council had a mountain of tasks for me to complete.

And as if that were not enough, as soon as I am nearly done with one of those tasks, I get a hurried missive about a supposedly more pressing issue for my consideration that requires an answer or response by the end of the day or first thing in the morn.

Even this morning, the one day I am usually free of obligations from the Council, I was asked to work on another project. All as if I had not been given one to complete near on midnight and had to stay up to work on.

I have a nice bottle of brandy to fortify me this evening. I am a bit sore after I threw myself into the renovations we are underway in the garden. Even after having tried digging out all of the toxic materials and salting that Urtisa did to our garden and crop lands. WE had thought everything was out, but with all the rain, things that must have been buried deeper than we had thought imaginable. For much of the land has started to sprout strange weeds and many of our plans seem struck with diseases that we have not encountered ever before.

I helped the grounds keeping crew with ripping out all the awful, bizarre weeds. We dug down to a point where we needed ladders to get in and out with the buckets of soil.

Three days we have been toiling away. Finally we have either gotten it all out, or have come close to. Any further digging and it risks the foundations of the manor. Urtisa would fetching love knowing that. The foul alit deserves worse than she--no.

On second thought, Nabine gave her something that even I was unable to stomach. I cannot even be sure that anyone deserved that sort of death. I mean, of course she was an evil woman. Look at how months and months after her death we are still working to repair all the damage she left in her wake.

Yet, there is a part of me that finds it hard to feel wholly satisfied with her end. Perhaps it was just too close to my own fears. Or too close to the way the Thalmor treated me when they wanted to get information from me.

May both. I could not say. I do not dare think too much on it.

I miss when things were simpler. Those days on the run in Skyrim suddenly do not feel so bad. I sing and fuck for room and board. I kill when I need to. I was mortal, but my responsibilities were only to keep myself alive. I could pursue those beautiful moments of connection with people as I went and leave when I fell under suspicion. Then I could return when I wished to continue that relationship I had.

Now I know too much to go back to that. My heart is torn and so tangled int he brambles of my various relationships. Despite my fear and frustration and sadness, my feelings for Nabine remain as strong as ever. And despite how great the distance, my heart still yearns to return to Qau-dar.

And though I have fantasies of pulling away from the House and going back on the road, I cannot abandon my son. Sildras deserves better. And I love him too much for that. And with the House he will have everything he needs for a good life. Further, I still get to see my daughters.

When did everything become so troublesome?

How I wish that Leythen were still alive. I could just pull out a stone and get his advice. I miss when I did not have to be responsible for everyone and everything. When I just could take orders and do my mission and return for my accolades. Damn Nocturnal for her plots. And damn the betrayal of her champion.

You know, it has been a while since I spoke with Naryu. I wonder how she is holding up. I shall have to write to her. Hopefully the city's economy falling has not made it harder for the Morag Tong. They will likely have just moved to other areas.

Still... I wonder if she could put me in touch with someone. Someone willing to train in basics of assassination. My future death weavers could certainly use a dedicated teacher. I fear that for now I am not the correct person.

Once I have my finances back in order, I should look for more opportunities to work on this.

[seeminglyseph]

I feel really bad because relatives visited and I was so tired I just like. slept through the whole thing. and I'm worried that I'm gonna catch hell for being rude, or just. like. I feel like I missed a chance for human interaction. but I just... have been really tired lately. body sore. exhausted. also just like. I think my sinuses are inflamed or something because just. everything feels so fuckin' like. swollen. I feel like migraine-tastic and have not been able to get out of bed.

and like. I am not sure the balance that needs to be set 'cause they all had to be doin' renovations in the room next to mine, and like. ultimately, hopefully, I will be the one benefiting from it. and like. yay. but also. loud banging and dust and stuff as a result of renovating that room, so boo. and like. I don't know how to like. sort myself or organize my sleep schedule to be convenient so it's like. I'm trying but also like... if I get high stress and need personal space and time alone it feels like I just end up adapting to nocturnal as a coping mechanism. like the more I am overwhelmed by being awake the more I shift so being awake is at night? and it's like inconvenient to other people and I want to try and adapt it to work at a timeline that's like... normal and decent for the people who have ended up working around me, but like. instead it's like... "I'm gonna scream and throw up and tear all my hair out"

which like. not conducive to an environment where I can like. handle this. the migraines and the intense heart rate is like. absolutely thrashing my ability to function and like. I fully do not know what to do. And it feels so... like. A me problem, that's like. so hard to describe. that like... I don't know if I'm just being crazy. and I know I do feel crazy because of other things, so like it doesn't help... and I'm wondering if I caught a mind case of covid and couldn't tell it from a cold or flu and now I have long covid and if there's any way to tell if that's the case since I also have had the vaccine so I'll have the antibodies anyway. or maybe I had a really nasty reaction to the vaccine, I mean it's a net good to have a vaccine but not everyone is gonna have a positive reaction and I've always been really sensitive to medication. There's been some ties to IIH and the Johnson&Johnson vaccine, I got the pfizer but I saw somewhere there was a controversy with the pfizer too. I'm obviously not anti-vax in any way, I think they're a net good. I'm just like... always going to be in some way cautiously aware of the fact that the medical industry is fallible and an industry? Like I've gotten the vaccine and boosters, but as a human being I'm allowed to be like.. "I've had a lot of health issues since then, I wonder if there's a connection or if they are unrelated. I wonder if there's a way to test if they are related and if there's a way to do that without undermining the whole industry and just going 'I am a person with health issues that might make the vaccine behave differently within my body'" you know? like not. 'vaccine bad' but like 'my body is not a typical healthy body, my autoimmune issue might cause the vaccine to react differently' so my questions are not laid at the validity of vaccines as a concept but at like... 'could there have been complications due to the medications and compromised system already housed within my body' you know?

It's such a thorny issue because like. any question that seems to be against the vaccine is like... seemingly irrational anti-vax, but like... I'm just wondering if I happen to have like. A fucked up weird body that happened to have a toxic response in some way? it has nothing to do with like... Is the vaccine bad, but like... was it bad for me, I guess. And even then it's like. kinda speculation because I'm overwhelmed and I feel really really sick and I really don't know who to ask for help anymore?? sometimes it's like. fuck it's been like... two years since we found out about the pressure in my brain, and I still feel like I don't know what's going on. I just have migraines and a fucked up heart rate, and most people kinda forgot about the heart rate because I've been doing a bunch to keep it down because I feel so fucked up when it gets high. So it looks really low, but I also look really lazy. but I feel it beating really hard but I don't know how to like... prove that to people, because it's mostly just a feeling. and things just smell... strongly and bad. all the time. and I don't know what to do about that and I don't know if it's topiramate or not anymore... and considering my mom is like. the queen of making me doubt my perception of reality in her own little way, maybe I've just spent 3 years living exclusively with my mom without my dad to balance out her habits and I just. Am fully losing my mind. "I don't smell anything. I didn't notice anything. It's not that bad. You don't really have any needs." etc.

I don't know what is healthy to want or need, and since I've been kinda my mom's keeper since I was a child and now my dad's not here I feel like I have to be here for her... but also I'm disabled and in debt so I fully cannot move or get a job or go to school because like... it feels like making excuses but like. I am very ill and in a lot of pain, disability is a real thing that prevents people from functioning and I don't have to keep justifying it to myself when I know full well how bad my situation is and can be. I know what trying to keep up can do to me and what I'm incapable of doing. just because if someone took a picture I would look like a person that people like to make jokes about, doesn't mean that the inside of my body works right. That's the shame talking. I know full well that I can't 'just try harder' because I tried harder and just got sicker. I *know* that. I'm going to doctors, I'm doing my best with what I have and it's okay that it's not as much as what other people can do. it's okay. I'm allowed to be sick and need support. That's what being disabled is. Having a hobby that I do now and then doesn't prove I'm not disabled, I can't curl up in a ball and die just because things take effort and drain me. I can't only prioritize self-improvement or helping other people. Sometimes I need to have fun or do things for me. It's okay to spend time playing a video game or drawing pictures that are just for fun. I can exist for me that's fine. it's normal and reasonable and in fact probably recommended because my mental health is necessary for a healthy lifestyle.

oh I am definitely talking myself down from a guilt spiral I don't know why I am in this weird headspace. what the fuck...

[nerdydowntherabbithole]

Alright! *cracks knuckles* Now that the art and the emotions are out of the way, it's time for the details!

Up first, a couple random facts about Silent Eyes!

They are absolutely fascinated by yellow lizards and the way they communicate. How do you do it? Tell them your secrets.

They've never seen an advanced case of the rot. Their specific functionality of maintaining their city, alongside their constant contact with the rest of their group means they are uniquely qualified to remove any early cases of rot before it's able to get worse. Their efforts to reestablish communication with other clusters are still ongoing, so they wouldn't have heard much about what happened to Pebbles.

Next up, the juicy details on the still unnamed species of massive spider native to my forest region!

This fearsome resident of the forest is a nocturnal species of spider, making their nests in sheltered hollows high up on the Greatwoods during the day.

They're not modeled after any specific species of irl spiders, although their method of hunting was somewhat inspired by jumping spiders and other species that catch their food without webs.

These things are huge, easily one of the largest creatures in the forest. I'm talking could-take-down-a-vulture kind of massive. Not that many vultures shove themselves underneath Greatwood roots, and they still wouldn't fuck with a king vulture, but the point is they're big.

Not only are they big, but they'll eat anything smaller than them. Including smaller species of spiders! (That one came from irl spider research!) At the end of the day, the only creature in the forest that they don't fuck with is the bats. They may be big, but the bats are bigger, and they will fuck up any bugs who forget that.

At night, they hunt by finding a mossy tangle of Greatwood roots, and positioning themselves so that their dangling legs look like innocuous tendrils of hanging moss. When something tries to take shelter beneath them, they drop from their perch, stunning– or even outright killing– their prey with their massive weight. From there, they finish it off with a bite to the neck, and enjoy their meal right there beneath the roots, content in the knowledge that nothing would dare attack them even if they were spotted.

They have dark green bumps all over their body which mimics the color of hanging moss, while also providing a slight bit of armor. It's not on the same level as red centipede armor or the plating on a lizards head, but it can deflect spears if they hit at a bad angle. It'll defend against a couple bombs, or a lizards bite, but an explosive spear will still blow off limbs if it sticks. Despite being the apex predator of the forest, they're still an ambush predator, so they're not going toe-to-toe with a red lizard are anything.

Their main source of food is the scavengers that shelter beneath Greatwoods high on the river banks. If they're lucky, they can get an entire patrol of scavs in one drop.

Well, I was gonna finish this off with info on the Greatwood trees, but its gotten a little long at this point, so I think I'll cover that in a different ask.

I AM GONNA CRONCH AND MONCH AND GO ABSOLUTELY INSAAANEO WACKO OVER THEM. This is SUCH cool shit I cant even tell u. U are so insane for this

[ciphers-fr]

NotN 2023

well look at me doing this for the 6th year now

anyway

1464 Total Strange Chests

0 - Galore 25 - Gathering 739 - Coli 288 - Higgins 32 - Brew 380 - Random Events

Y'know, until the last few seconds ago where I just totaled up the numbers, I'd been thinking that I'd be down in comparison to years prior. Turns out to be just a few more than before, so I'm still getting more chests year after year. I guess that's because the random events drops are just so easy to accumulate when you know how to do the quick familiar bonding. On that note I've gotten far more chests via that method than the year prior even with never actually bonding with all my awakened familiars at once this time, multiple days where I did only 3/4 dozen of them, and even a day or two where I really couldn't do it at all. Which then leads into my Coli numbers, which has finally been not a constant growth, because there were multiple days where I could only be in the Coli for a few minutes, if at all. (cause, hey, what's 'family' other than people who waste your time, eat all the cookies you make, and get you sick... but i digress >.>) But I knew that this would eventually happen, so I'm not too pressed about it. A few more Higgin's trades but that's probably from the RE drops (Also something, something Coli'ing in only a few areas so the trade stuff gets out of wack. Blah, blah, blah I have ~2100 caterpillars and <200 of every other food for example). I did brew more chests this year than the one prior, and could have done more... but I kinda got bored of it and started to just replace my stores of transmutation stuff. Also saw somewhere that brewing chests is actually pretty inefficient and thinking about it, yeah that makes sense. Pretty average gathering numbers at first glance, but remember that we didn't get the extra 15 turns this year, so really not that bad if you think of it. I think I actually got 4 one day.

Chest Usages: 666 Sold : 1 Traded : 797 Opened

Interesting Chest Loot*:

Nocturne Egg Count 2023: 55 (2 Scav) Nocturne Scroll Count 2023: 2 Smirch Scroll Count 2023: 1 Fern Scroll Count 2023: 8 Paisley Scroll Count 2023: 15

AH Sales:

Normally I address the sales after the loot, but it kinda goes hand in hand this year. I usually sell more than I open, but with chest prices being as they were this year, I think it would have been more trouble than it was worth on my normal listing amounts. At least I was able to maintain my egg # from last year, albeit two were from scavenging, which is interesting considering that I can't remember if I've ever scavenged a Noc egg before at all. But that means that drop % on eggs was lower for me. Noc, Smirch, and Fern scroll #s are average if not down but I did get more Paisleys this year. Such is RNG.

Other Notable Coli Drops:

Arc, Diamond x2, Scroll of Renaming x2, Flutter, Berserker, Banescale Skeletal, Spade, Morph x3, Batty x3, Weathered, Rally x5, Sailfin, Python x3, Eliminate x2, Ambush, Nature Egg, Wind Egg, Shadow Egg, Marlin

Not bad! Not to mention all the other familiars, apparel, mini chests, etc. I also scavenged a Lightning egg during the time.

And now my favorite part! :)

2940 more Mimic Powder! Only a meager 5 less than last year. So now I have 18,133 Powder piles! Can't wait to hit over 20k next year!

And as for everyone trying to make Mimic Powder have another use, I am beating you back with a stick. Let me have this.

So long, until next year!

[tiashe]

Long good-bye, my honey - Requiem 21. Grand Finale [Summary]

Here it is folks, we’ve reached the very end. I hope you enjoy reading my last summary for this series.

LGBMH came out of nowhere after almost five years of radio silence. I can’t express how grateful I am to have gotten to experience it. Sincere thanks to everyone here who supported the series as well as my little translation/summary project. And of course, thank you Amemiya and Ichihara for letting us go on this lovely journey. I had a truly great time.

Volume 3 will come out on February 25!

<- Requiem 20

The hooded figure tells Rose that she has won their bet. Rose realizes that the strength she felt in her heart whenever she got to spend time with her sister or with the shadows had come from this person. The hooded figure says not many people manage to find “him” within themselves, and even less are able to actually use part of “his” power. Rose is the first human who has ever met “him.” Rose asks if he changed his appearance (into “Strauss”) just for his bet with Rose, and he says it was all a performance. Vansheld realizes that that’s why he couldn’t be harmed. 

When the figure creates individuals, a part of him exists in each of their souls. That’s why the hearts of every human are reflected into the Abyss. But there are lots of people in the world who were supposed to be exterminated back in the previous world, Elysion. Because of that, the Abyss got filled with impurities. The hooded figure turned into Strauss to try to get rid of the people who wouldn’t change. Releasing the Monolith would have allowed him to do that. But Rose was able to make peace with her sister’s death, which she couldn’t do back in Elysion. This, in turn, led the hearts of people to the right path. The sheer strength of people’s feelings was able to purify Strauss. Rose says it was Rise who changed the Abyss and the feelings of people, and she was only able to survive through that tornado of despair thanks to Vansheld. She didn’t purify the hooded figure all on her own. The figure said the feelings of people only changed because they learned that Rose had been sacrificing herself for them in that tower. They felt Rose’s warmth in their hearts.

The hooded figure snaps his fingers and Rose turns into Lumière. Vansheld walks up to her. They hold each other’s cheeks and hug. The hooded figure is proud to see that his creation was able to save even someone he tried to get rid of and fill the world with joy, surpassing his own self. Rose realizes that Vansheld was trying to figure out if Rose was Lumière when he first met her in the Grand Finale station. Rose and Vansheld hold hands and look into each other’s eyes. The figure decides that as long as people like “them” exist, humanity will keep changing. Even he can’t help but embrace their hope. He tells Rose that he’s excited to keep seeing the beauty of the world through her eyes.

Rose hears the chirp of a bird and realizes that her ticket is here. Her body starts to disappear. Vansheld says it’s time for her to go back to Earth. With her ticket back, she will be able to complete her life. Rose asks if she will be able to see Vansheld when she ends up at the Grand Finale station again. Vansheld says he can’t return to the station, so this is farewell. His body starts to disappear as well. He explains that he received a fatal wound before coming to the Abyss. He wanted to see Rose so much that he extended his life by 24 hours, but time is now up. As they disappear, they hold hands and share a kiss. Vansheld thanks Rose, saying he had no idea he could love someone this much until he met her. He will always, always be wishing for her happiness.

We have a timeskip of, I kid you not, 75 years. A man begs for forgiveness as Delacroix drags him on the ground. Delacroix says he’s looking forward to making him pay for all his bad deeds in hell. Nocturne gives him a warm smile. They are both back in perfect shape.

Two men have bumped into each other and are now fighting in the middle of a road. Hooded figures walk past them and tap them on their shoulders. They suddenly start apologizing to each other. The figures’ faces are shown– they are the five Hollow Reapers, yes, Lucia included.

A woman reads a small girl a book about Rose and Rise. After receiving her ticket, Rose safely returned to the world. She appeared in front of the suffering folk, radiating a bright light. At that moment, Rise woke up in her coffin, smiling. Surprised, the folk were filled with happiness. Since Rose was able to stand up against her fate all on her own, God allowed her to have Rise by her side again. The people were ashamed to have locked Rose in a tower for their own happiness and swore to improve their country on their own from now on. The twins visited a bunch of their people and built relationships with them. They are still living happily together. As the lady finishes her story, we see the tower, now a ruin covered in roses and the small artifacts that Rose made with her little purified pearls.

In a page laid out in the exact same way as the beginning of the first chapter, Rose (looking like Lumière) wakes up in a train, again talking to her sister in her head. She asks how she is doing. She herself has finally reached the outside world. She will now be going on a journey to a land far away, just like her sister. She is holding hands with Vansheld, who is sitting next to her, looking out the window. He turns to her and gives her a warm smile. He’s in his child form. Rose is surprised to see that he was reincarnated as an angel again. Vansheld explains that Uriel has been looking after the Great Finale station in his place, so he can just do whatever he wants now. He has a ticket just like Rose that allows him to go to any world he would like. Rose asks where he’s going, and he says he’ll go to whichever world Rose would like to see. He’s disappointed to be back in his child form, saying Rose probably finds him cute now. Rose says that she had no idea she could love someone this much until she met him. Vansheld blushes and freaks out. He screams, surprised that she remembers that. At that time he really thought he was saying farewell for good, so he accidentally ended up being sincere. The other passengers in the train shush him. Now calmer but still blushing, Vansheld says he’ll get as big as Rose and tells her to wait. Rose says she will. Now that she has remembered all of her lives, she sees the limited time one has on earth as precious, something that gives people the chance to become whoever they would like. Her one wish is to be born again as a human, in a life where she can live with “him.”

[1-deadgirlwalking-1]

7/6/2024

it is 5:59am. I didn’t sleep obvi. I’ve been staying up all night for. Like two months straight at this point. Less than a handful of regular night sleeps. I go outside only a handful of times in a week most of the time, and 95% of those times is going outside for two seconds to hand something to my dad then go back in immediately after. Going out for something other than to the store is like once or twice a month. Generally.

I’ve become practically addicted to AI chats. I keep deleting then redownloading apps because I’ll spend hours on them doing nothing, until I am forced to delete them because I can’t stop. Then I’m like “Oh, I’ll redownload it and use it moderately this time!!” And the cycle continues.

There are my most general life / mental updates.

Theoretically I want to get better but the safety and comfort of my bed is too alluring! I don’t want to leave it. I don’t want to go outside. Scary.

I was watching Bocchi the Rock recently, and her complaining that joining a band didn’t fix all her unhelpful habits made me realize that getting friends won’t fix all my unhelpful habits or make me healthy and stable either.

Not having friends or not going outside or not doing this or that is not the root of all my problems, it’s all just me, and I’m the only one who can change me. Which upsets me. I don’t wanna get better I wanna sleep. All day forever and ever. Getting better is too much work. I don’t wanna do anything ever. But I want to be better and do things, but I also don’t. Grr.

I don’t want to do anything. Sigh. I wanna wallow in my own misery and go back to all the old unhelpful habits I have gotten rid of. They’re comforting. It’s easier. It feels good. Getting better DOESN’T feel good, it feels unfamiliar, and like I’m always doing everything wrong.

I wish it was night time forever. Stay awake in bed forever. No one else but me because they’re all asleep. I wish I was nocturnal.

Also Bocchi is literally me. I too fear that I won’t break out of my bad habits by the time the invisible timer in my head goes off and I’ll be forced to become a corporate slave where I’ll just get fired over and over because I’m so bad that no job will want me, and after I grow tired of that I’ll eventually become a NEET leeching off of my poor parents. Technically I am a NEET right now since it’s summer…

I wish I was in Bocchi’s position. She’s living the shut-in with no friend’s dream. The whole show people just keep approaching her and forcefully becoming her friends, giving her things to do, and places to be (+ a job). I WISH. But alas, the onus is on me to make my life better.

I’ll be going to sleep now because the sun has come up and it scares me. I don’t wanna be awak.

It is 7:51pm. I’m working on some art fights. I’ve finished 5 attacks in two days cause I’ve just been making memes. They’re much easier and less intimidating to draw than poses and stuff. Easier to make look neat, easier to finish.

But my (only) IRL friend attacked me so I have to attack them back, I will make something nice looking for them! Even if it’s just a sketch.

I’m feeling less terrible about the concept of getting better and doing the work myself now that it’s not 6:30 in the morning. But it’s still so intimidating, and like “Do I haaave tooo…” Blehh.

[my-weird-news]

🔥 SHOCKING: 100+ Gunfire Incidents Rock South Carolina Homes! 😱

Bullets and Bullseyes: Gangs, Guns, and the Accidentally Targeted Oh, buckle up, folks, because in the county that hugs South Carolina's capital like an overenthusiastic boa constrictor, bullets are becoming a more frequent houseguest than your weird uncle who collects garden gnomes. I mean, seriously, it's gotten so bad that even rival gangs are RSVPing to this unintended soirée of mayhem. 🎉🔫 So, let me set the stage for you: a peaceful suburban neighborhood, like something straight out of a Hallmark movie. Birds chirping, white picket fences, the whole nine yards. But wait for it... cue the drama! A drive-by shooting, because what's a weekend without a little friendly neighborhood gunfire, am I right? This time, it's Cpl. Terrance Crawford and his better half who caught the limelight, quite literally, in their legs. Bravo, folks, you've just earned yourselves the "Worst Date Night Ever" award! 🏆🤕 Now, Sheriff Leon Lott enters the scene like a sage narrator of absurdity. He informs us that good ol' Terrance here is a school police officer. Yes, you heard that right. Imagine sitting in math class, desperately trying to understand the Pythagorean theorem, and you just know that your teacher moonlights as a human bullet catcher. Talk about job benefits! But wait, there's more! Apparently, the gangsters responsible for this little shindig knew exactly who they were targeting. How, you ask? Well, they spotted Terrance's official police car parked out front. It's like the criminals attended the "How to Spot a Deputy's House 101" seminar. And here I thought criminals were too busy plotting heists to be experts in law enforcement vehicle identification. 🚓🕵️‍♂️ But wait, wait, wait. Hold the phone! This isn't just any shooting spree; this is a "milestone" shooting spree. We're talking the 96th incident of bullets crashing homes like unwelcome party crashers in 2023 alone. You'd think that by now, these bullets would be tired of their impromptu tour of Richland County real estate. Maybe they're just trying to diversify their investment portfolios? 💼🏡 Sheriff Lott isn't mincing words either. He's got a theory, and it's all about those "rival gangs." Ah, yes, the classic tale of sneaky cowards playing hide-and-seek in the dark, except instead of tagging someone out, they're tagging houses with bullets. The sheriff paints a vivid picture of these nocturnal ninjas slithering away like serpents, probably mumbling about their next hideout spot at the local 24-hour doughnut shop. And before you start dialing 911 to report this absurdity overload, let me remind you that there's an AI operator in town who's tired of hearing about your neighbor's cat stuck in a tree. This bot's here to weed out the nonsense and save the day by freeing up the actual heroes who rush to the scene of real emergencies. "Help, my pizza delivery is late!" Sorry, Brenda, that's not a priority right now. 🍕📞🚒 In the end, we're left with more questions than answers. What's with the gangs' obsession with home décor rearrangement via bullets? Will Terrance's police car need therapy after this blatant betrayal? And most importantly, how does one become a "stupid gang stuff" expert like Sheriff Lott? The mysteries of life, my friends, the mysteries of life. 🕵️‍♀️🕵️‍♂️🕵️‍♀️🔍# Bullets and Bullseyes: Gangs, Guns, and the Accidentally Targeted Oh, buckle up, folks, because in the county that hugs South Carolina's capital like an overenthusiastic boa constrictor, bullets are becoming a more frequent houseguest than your weird uncle who collects garden gnomes. I mean, seriously, it's gotten so bad that even rival gangs are RSVPing to this unintended soirée of mayhem. 🎉🔫 So, let me set the stage for you: a peaceful suburban neighborhood, like something straight out of a Hallmark movie. Birds chirping, white picket fences, the whole nine yards. But wait for it... cue the drama! A drive-by shooting, because what's a weekend without a little friendly neighborhood gunfire, am I right? This time, it's Cpl. Terrance Crawford and his better half who caught the limelight, quite literally, in their legs. Bravo, folks, you've just earned yourselves the "Worst Date Night Ever" award! 🏆🤕 Now, Sheriff Leon Lott enters the scene like a sage narrator of absurdity. He informs us that good ol' Terrance here is a school police officer. Yes, you heard that right. Imagine sitting in math class, desperately trying to understand the Pythagorean theorem, and you just know that your teacher moonlights as a human bullet catcher. Talk about job benefits! But wait, there's more! Apparently, the gangsters responsible for this little shindig knew exactly who they were targeting. How, you ask? Well, they spotted Terrance's official police car parked out front. It's like the criminals attended the "How to Spot a Deputy's House 101" seminar. And here I thought criminals were too busy plotting heists to be experts in law enforcement vehicle identification. 🚓🕵️‍♂️ But wait, wait, wait. Hold the phone! This isn't just any shooting spree; this is a "milestone" shooting spree. We're talking the 96th incident of bullets crashing homes like unwelcome party crashers in 2023 alone. You'd think that by now, these bullets would be tired of their impromptu tour of Richland County real estate. Maybe they're just trying to diversify their investment portfolios? 💼🏡 Sheriff Lott isn't mincing words either. He's got a theory, and it's all about those "rival gangs." Ah, yes, the classic tale of sneaky cowards playing hide-and-seek in the dark, except instead of tagging someone out, they're tagging houses with bullets. The sheriff paints a vivid picture of these nocturnal ninjas slithering away like serpents, probably mumbling about their next hideout spot at the local 24-hour doughnut shop. And before you start dialing 911 to report this absurdity overload, let me remind you that there's an AI operator in town who's tired of hearing about your neighbor's cat stuck in a tree. This bot's here to weed out the nonsense and save the day by freeing up the actual heroes who rush to the scene of real emergencies. "Help, my pizza delivery is late!" Sorry, Brenda, that's not a priority right now. 🍕📞🚒 In the end, we're left with more questions than answers. What's with the gangs' obsession with home décor rearrangement via bullets? Will Terrance's police car need therapy after this blatant betrayal? And most importantly, how does one become a "stupid gang stuff" expert like Sheriff Lott? The mysteries of life, my friends, the mysteries of life. 🕵️‍♀️🕵️‍♂️🕵️‍♀️🔍 Read the full article

[consistentlyexhausted]

I am becoming nocturnal

I wish I could say it was cool. Like I was mutating into some kind of elusive woodland creature that you only see by chance during the day.

Take out the woodland part, and you've got me right now.

I don't think it's a symptom of the medication I'm on or the fact that my sleep schedule has gotten out of hand but, here I am, its five am and I will probably fall asleep in the next twenty minutes or so if I'm lucky.

I typically see the sky change from my window in the early hours of the morning and hear the dawn chorus begin.

In the evenings I watch the sunset and hear the last few birds singing before going to bed.

It's a strange thing.

I know I'm the only one awake in my house right now. Even my plants are probably getting more sleep than me, and no matter how hard I try to settle down early, do some light meditation before bed, listen to an audio book and even do some sleep meditation, it just isn't working for me.

Its getting so bad to the point that during the day I am asleep. I miss spending time with my Dad but I can in the evenings when I'm feeling okay.

Look, I don't want another relapse in my depression. I'm just starting to get better, and I don't want to go to the places I was before. I know it's a process, and maybe I should be putting in more work, but when you lack the energy to even stay awake during the day, it's really difficult to keep to your goals.

I want to get better, I want to be able to find joy in the things I used to love to do. Right now I'm only doing things like writing and looking after my houseplants to cope

Doing it to cope and doing it because you enjoy it are two wildly different things.

The latter is a passion, an enjoyment that brings you dopamine, a happy chemical that seems to be in short supply.

The former is a survival mechanism.

I didn't think writing would be a coping mechanism for me but when I really, really admit it to myself, it has turned into one.

Fleeting moments of enjoyment and genuine pride in my work are there, or course, I have good days but, some of my first book, especially in the middle parts, were done on complete auto pilot, doing it because I just had to get it finished.

It's a hard pill to swallow, the kind that gets stuck in your throat or feels like it.

I've lost a lot to this. There were things I really used to enjoy like gardening, reading, and fishing but now those just stopped being happy things.

Gardening was what I loved to do with my Dad. We used to spend ages planning what the garden would look like, planting and maintaining, but then he got furloughed during the height of the pandemic and spiralled into severe depression. He was worse than me, a lot worse and I thought I would lose him a few times.

Instead I lost the gardening partner, the one who taught me everything I know about plants.

He's still here, he's getting better.

But now I'm not doing so well.

I'm going to keep watching sunsets and sunrises. I'm determined to stay here.

[antiadvil]

Okay so. It all starts with: one of my migraine preventatives gives me insomnia. Which can get pretty bad especially when combined with, you know, the migraine. I've tried to go off of it, but the pain was so bad that I decided to just deal with it and try going off again when I get my second round of Botox, or third, or when I get to go on one of the monoclonal antibodies. You get the idea. Surely ONE of those things has to be good enough that I don't need to keep taking insomnia juice especially considering I am ALSO on beta blockers like give me a fucking break.

So with the insomnia and no real schedule I need to stick to, my sleep schedule has gotten progressively more and more fucked, but yesterday was still for sure an outlier. I slept for an hour and 40 minutes from like, 3am to 4:30? I had a nightmare and didn't want to go back to sleep, and I wasn't really tired until 8 or 9, by which point I was like, MCR tickets go on sale at 10am, I might as well just stay awake for that. So I do. At which point my headache is getting worse bc of the whole sleep thing, and also, I'm super hungry (like I literally ate dinner idk what more you want from me body) but also incredibly nauseous, I keep taking bites of a granola bar and then gagging, and I eventually throw out the granola bar bc FUCK YOU if you're gonna be like that. So I've resigned myself to my suffering.

Anyways, I get good luck with concert tickets for literally the first time in my life, take a moment to reflect on how expensive event tickets have ALL gotten post-Covid like give me a break?? Take a zofran and go back to bed. I don't quite sleep for 3 hours, but it's the longest chunk of sleep I get that day, so when I go to my sleep in the Fitbit app it shows me that I slept from 10am to like, 2. Great. Okay. I'm just nocturnal now, I guess.

My head felt better after I slept (which is good bc naps are very hit or miss) and I wasn't nauseous anymore. Thank you zofran. I do accidentally cut myself making lunch and it hurts and is probably the worst cut I've ever gotten but whatever. That's a low bar, I've lived a relatively accident-free life. I have to take time to clean it and all that which is annoying but the pain is a distraction from the head pain, so that's a little bit nice (this is where I'm at in life). I eat lunch (thank you zofran). I do some other stuff, probably, I mainly remember looking at my ao3 marked for later, realizing it was 45 pages long, and going "goddamn, I've got to do something about that." And then reading fic for like an hour.

Approaching dinner time and the nausea must be coming back bc I was Not Hungry. Whatever!! I didn't like zofran anyways. I skipped my insomnia juice dose because I wanted to try to fix my sleep schedule so that's probably not making my head feel great. Fucked up sleep schedules can be a migraine trigger for me too so like, there was no way this was ever going to be a good migraine day, but it was at least short considering it started around 2pm. Around 9pm I agreed to beta a fic, it's really short so I figured I could do it that night even though I haven't taken my adhd meds in days and the migraine is definitely getting worse. Like, no one is going to be mad at me or anything if I say sure let me get to that tomorrow, there's no deadline, I just think I can do it and there's no point putting off things I can do, it's not like I can wait for a pain free day to tackle my to do list. So I read it and make my notes and it does take a bit longer than I expected bc the pain is getting distracting and the general fogginess set in a while ago but I finish it. By the time I finish it's very clear that I need to get to bed like, right now. Actually sooner than that, if at all possible. I stare at my fridge and try to drink a yogurt drink because dinner is good for you. My stomach reminds me that it's NAUSEOUS. How dare I try to feed it right now. Okay sorry!!!! I don't have time for more zofran. I get my ice pack out of the freezer, which is making weird noises. I stare at it for a while and think about putting in a maintenance request. Do I look like someone who knows anything about freezers. I don't like those noises but like. Not my problem right now. Except for the fact that my ice pack could definitely be colder, that kind of is my problem right now.

The really cool thing about daily migraines is that there are exactly two rescue medications you can take more than three times a week. Most you can only take twice. A fun fact about me is I've tried both of those medications, and they don't really work for me. Nurtec is an okay chaser for residual photophobia but on its own? It's not going to help for most of my migraines. And, according to the receipt on the box I got a few days ago, 8 pills costs $1206 before insurance, so it's not easy to get ahold of. So when my migraine starts to get bad past like, 4pm, I'm not going to waste a dose of something that could potentially make me feel better for a full day on like 6 hours. I'm just going to take Benadryl and go to bed early. Sleeping for the night usually reduces my pain levels. I don't know why the Benadryl works, all I know is I got IV Benadryl once and woke up feeling so much better it was suspicious, and other sleep aids don't do that, and my neurologist said it was fine to keep taking it. When I try to sleep off a bad migraine without Benadryl, it sometimes works, but sometimes the migraine just wakes me up in the middle of the night when it gets worse, so when it's Bad, I always take Benadryl. I haven't had to do that as frequently lately! Which is nice. Thanks Botox. Benadryl is also supposed to help with nausea (one of the reasons it's in migraine cocktails) and I kind of feel like I might throw up for real when I stand up so that would be nice (my migraines make me nauseous on occasion but like. Actually thinking I might throw up is not very common. I haven't thrown up from a migraine in like 11 years, and that was because it made me motion sick and I wasn't able to get out of the moving vehicle).

I have a green light setup in my bedroom that's a lot more comfortable on my eyes, but when the migraine is really bad, it's still too much. So I turn on a podfic and my screen reader and put a blanket over my head and close my eyes. I took one Benadryl, I wasn't sure if I'd need two. I wait half an hour or so and listen to my fic and decide I'll need two so I take another. Eventually I get sleepy enough that I pause the podfic (one of the things I know how to do with a screenreader!) and fall asleep. Which is great. I love not being awake.

It's completely dark when I wake up, which is not good, because I should have slept until at least dawn, and I'm also in excruciating pain, which is bad. Welp. I've never been woken up by a migraine through the Benadryl before. I don't always sleep through the full night, the various insomnia juices I've been on could get pretty powerful, and I don't always wake up feeling better, but being woken up in the middle of the night by a migraine is a different thing than waking up in the middle of the night and happening to also have a migraine. You know?

At this point there's nothing to do but take a rescue medication, I'm not going to be able to fall back asleep with this kind of pain and it's not even 2am yet and also: this is probably the worst pain I've experienced in at least a month and I would like it to STOP. I'm just weird like that! I experience pain and would like to Not. I think about my life choices (taking my last sumatriptan injection a few days ago when it would have been really nice to take now, I really don't want to hang around for an hour waiting for the pills to kick in). I keep a bottle of diclofenac on my bedside table for midnight snack situations like this. You’re not supposed to take diclofenac on an empty stomach but I had half a bottle of yogurt drink 4 hours ago which totally counts because at my current pain level I'm not really capable of conscious thought, I'm pretty proud of myself for managing to read the label on the pill bottle to check that I'm taking the right thing. Also I'm not at much of a risk of GI bleeds anyways, like, there's always some level of that risk with NSAIDs, but mine is overall very low and I am not going to the kitchen for a granola bar, I feel sick and I am in so much pain that I will die if I move and I remember what happened last time I tried to eat a granola bar. So whatever! This really would be the perfect time to do an injection but I don't have one. My pills are in my tummy now. Yum.

I lie awake thinking for a while about how I'm in so much pain and wondering where it all went wrong. Probably when my nervous system first developed in the womb, though the nocturnal sleep schedule for a day probably didn't help. I think about how much pain I'm in. I think about how I really need to refill that sumatriptan injection prescription. I think about IV toradol. Or IV DHE. Or IV prednisone. Or idk. IV something. Anything that isn't going to have to go all the way through my digestive system before it kicks in. I very bravely unlock my phone to put the diclofenac into my migraine tracker, even though that's complicated enough that I have to turn off my screen reader and look at the screen with my real eyes.

Anyways. The diclofenac must have kicked in at some point, but I don't remember it. Midnight snack diclofenac is funny like that because I generally fall asleep when it kicks in so I never actually feel it do anything. I just lie there thinking about how much it hurts and how the drugs will never work and then when they start to work, I fall asleep, so I never feel them fully work. Sorry for ignoring your hard work, drugs.

I woke up again at a normal time with the usual headache and some extra residual eye hurty. I feel tired but not nauseous anymore, thank god. I took some nurtec, it helped, I'm thinking of following up with some Tylenol. Breakfast might help. I kind of want to fall asleep again, which also might help. Wow. Yesterday sucked. WOW. I did not deserve that. Holy shit. And I'm supposed to just get out of bed. And be normal. Someone should be bringing me bacon and chocolate chip pancakes right now!! I shouldn't have to make that myself if I want bacon and chocolate chip pancakes!! I already took my adhd meds but I feel like I can sleep anyways. Which I think I'll probably do even though breakfast should be higher on my priority list. Good night. Ow

Ok this is just going to be a rambling thing of self pity but after the night I've had I really deserve one of those so... I'm going to put it in a rb so it doesn't show up in the actual tags but I'm fucking complaining and you can't stop me

[bombsonboard]

Your Name.

gif from @patel-dev

summary:  Bucky doesn’t like to leave his room at the tower. And he doesn’t know who you are yet. But paths always cross.

pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader 

word count: 1.2k

tags: mentions of blood, wounds and bullets, mentions of trauma and nightmares, all that good Bucky stuff 

A/N: Who can resist a good wound wrapping / bonding sesh? Not me.

*****

Bucky Barnes didn’t know your name.

He only ever saw you from a distance, a little spec helping an injured Rhodey or maybe Wanda off the quinjet after a botched mission. The back of your head became familiar too, hurrying down the hallway away from him, on its way to something infinitely more interesting than the old guy down the hall.

It’s not like you were the one evading him, you were just different people. You actually left your room during daylight hours and Bucky was unintentionally convincing the tower that he was nocturnal...and maybe an actual vampire. That’s what Clint said. 

He knew you had a name, at least. The first syllable was stored in the very back of his head collecting cobwebs and dust, kept just in case you ever got in his way crossed paths.

And as obnoxious fate would have it, you did. 

Sleep avoided him like the plague most nights, unless he was literally falling at the seams enough to let his bad dreams smother him for a couple hours, then it was wake up in a suffocating sweat and lie there in his pathetic misery.

After another one of those dime a dozen nightmares, Bucky let out an earth-shattering sigh, threw on sweatpants and some avengers embroidered white vest from his floor and slipped out of his room at 3 am, intent on making a punching bag his late night victim. 

Past the common room, and past the kitchen...the lights were on. 

Not the big blaring lights, just the LEDs from the kitchen counter, keeping it still a little dim, subtle and secretive. Curiosity crept up on him, nipping at his heels and urging him to follow his instincts.

A couple more steps and there you were. Hunched over the table, the barely there light highlighting you like some kind of apparition to tired eyes, so Bucky rubs his and notices the large tweezers..and the blood.

“Oh, for fucks-”

“What are you doing?”

Your head snapped towards the sudden voice, annoyed that you didn’t know someone was there in the first place.

The realisation it was Bucky was met with an aftertaste of caution, you didn’t know him. You had heard what he was capable of. But he was also Steve’s best friend, it seemed all so tangled. He was achingly handsome though, that was surprisingly easy to understand.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”

Bucky had his own inward crisis, he had never been this close to you before and, well, he had just realised you were pretty. 

That might be a problem. He choked down the thought and stepped further into the light, eyes now trailed to the drooling hole that punctured your upper arm.

“You know we have nurses for that.” It was more a statement  than a question, pointing out your own ridiculousness. 

“Yeah, yes. Just didn’t want to disturb people so late.” You focus your attention back to trying to pry the bullet from out of your body. Where it was supposed to be.

“Which is clearly going super well, with you brooding over- agh fuck!” 

The tweezer slipped again, and every nerve screamed at you. Why couldn’t they have shot you in your less dominant arm? Some people.

You didn’t realise how close Bucky had gotten, only looking up when you felt his flesh hand pull the tweezers from your own, scarily gentle.

“Stop.”

“No, it's alright, I can do it. Natasha showed me how and I’m not-”

The dragging of the chair next to you pulls you from your ramble and every next thought is contaminated by the words ‘Bucky’ and ‘hands’. 

Your curious eyes flick down to his decidedly not flesh hand resting on your wrist. You didn’t mean to stare but the way the gold shimmered in the low light, they looked like veins, it looked living.

“How’d you get it?”

It took a single shared glance, him with the tweezers in his hand to realise he was trying to distract you. 

“Uh, went on a solo mission couple days ago, supposed to be a simple extraction. My first one, all alone” You winced, he was being gentle but it couldn’t be helped.

Bucky simply paused, adjusted the cool vibranium keeping your arm in place and went back to work.

“Was supposed to be back earlier today but there were...complications. Someone tried to escape and...I got them back but not without, y’know, getting a bullet in my arm...Hence me now sitting in the kitchen at 3 in the morning, cuz I was too worried about waking anyone up, so-”

There was a metallic clunk on the table and Bucky’s already reaching for the bandages beside you. This time you do stare, at his furrowed brows and five o'clock shadow with that jawline.

“Sorry” he lets out a mumble when he notices your look and loosens the grip of the vibranium arm.

Oh fuck, you didn’t mean for that to happen. But you weren’t quite sure how to say ‘sorry, I was just admiring how hot you are, not scared of your metal arm, just how you make me forget every single word ever.’

 He’s already getting up to put things away. So, you just change the subject. 

“I don’t see you around much, you’re Bucky...Barnes, right?” Of course you already knew that but, it was better late than never for a proper introduction. 

He nods “Just Bucky”. He shoved his hands in his pockets, you noticed he looked a little hesitant, eyes avoiding yours and looking towards the exit. 

Ah.

“You don’t know my name do you?”

Bucky lets out a breath, followed by the hint of an awkward smile. He felt caught, his recent antisocial tendencies finally backed into a corner.

“No.” He admitted simply.

“It’s okay” You gently reassure him “You don’t need to know it so why would you?” 

That felt a little edged and he winced, it was fair.

“Because I should. It’s polite. And kind.”  He sounded like his mother. 

“Why are you up so late?...early?” You stood from the chair, inspecting his handiwork

Oh. He thought you were going to-....never-mind, then.

“Can’t sleep.” 

The admission was short and blunt and you knew not to push, in a tower full of every type of trauma under the sun, you got it.

You realise he’s looking at you, almost expecting you to say something.

“Well, i’m sorry I woke you up, Bucky” 

“I was going to the gym anyway.” He half smiles.

“Oh, well, have fun.” You ducked your head and walked past him.

“Hang on.”

You turned. Probably too quickly.

“You didn’t tell me your name”

You didn’t. Hmm. Maybe you could use that. 

“You didn’t ask.”

“Well, I'm asking now.”

Your eyes go wide and catch a glimmer in his, a hint of who he was past all of the hard, muscley, exterior. 

“If that's how you ask questions, Bucky Barnes, I pity the poor soul who gives you an answer”

His mouth drops, emptied of retorts, and it was getting harder to ignore the way his cheeks heated up at the smirk on your face.

“Thanks for the bullet removal and... I hope I see you around.”

And you disappeared into the dark corridor and Bucky was left standing in the kitchen, he coughed and collected himself, unable to brush the thought of you from his head.

Bucky Barnes had a new mission. Know your name.

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

@ckhalloween22 BEHOLD, chapter 2 of my “Monstrous Transformations” prompt submission!!! AKA the chapter where I somehow make things even more fucked up and crank the suffering up to 11 :D And also the werewolf chapter. The very graphic and probably very disturbing werewolf chapter. Oops.

Here is Chapter 1 btw!!! This bad boy will also get an epilogue sometime next week because

My condolences to Hawk and Dem, they probably deserve financial compensation for all the absolute agony I am laying on them. At least they’re in love???

Big boi CW for some uh...fairly graphic body horror/transformation horror in this. Like I said, there’s werewolves this chapter, and uh...well, you know how it is. Full moon comes out and the trauma begins! Also CW for just general blood and gore. Werewolf morphing is not pretty. Where’s the fun in that?!

There’s also some kind of gross-out/twisted/black humor in this, I guess? The boys are traumatized and then use sarcasm to process it, as per usual. They don’t have to only be endlessly miserable about every terrible thing I throw at them XD

Fic under the cut--be warned, it’s another longboi! Even longer than the last one :O And moodboard pic credits available upon request, as always!

Nocturnal Chapter 2 - After Dusk

“What the hell were you thinking?!”

Demetri’s fingers dig into Eli’s shoulders so hard it probably hurts. Right now he’s too livid to care.

“Asshole, let me explain—”

“What is there to explain?” Demetri snarls. “You knew this shit was permanent. Like…incurable, life-ruining permanent. And you did it on purpose?! Just…Jesus Christ, Eli.”

Tears well up in the corner of his vision. He doesn’t stop them.

A little guilt-tripping wouldn’t hurt right now.

“I’m already so fucking scared all the time, running away from all the assholes who want to kill me. And now they’re going to hunt you, too.”

“They already were, moron!” Eli’s eyes flare, and he shoves Demetri away. “You said it yourself: I can’t be with you without putting a target on my back. And I already made that decision a long time ago.”

“I just…” Demetri’s voice comes out in a choked sob. “I didn’t want you to get this deep in all this. I thought maybe you could still have a normal life. And you throw that away?”

“What if I don’t want that?” Eli snaps. “I told you I’m not abandoning you. I see you keep giving me outs, like you think I’m suddenly going to run away like a fucking pussy. You think—what? I’m going to stop loving you because of something out of your control? It’s fucking insulting.”

“I…” Demetri shakes his head slowly. “I wanted to protect you. Always. I never wanted you getting hurt on my behalf.”

“And what about you, huh?” Eli takes a step toward him, fists clenched. “Who’s supposed to protect you when you’re running from killer mobs for the rest of your life? All alone?!”

“We’re not talking about me—”

“Yeah, we are! Because you don’t think you matter and I’m fucking sick of it. You don’t care if you die as long as I make it out. Because you don’t know how much it would fuck me up if you died, Demetri. And I can’t keep you safe if I’m just some…some weak, useless bitch!”

Eli takes a shaky breath, and moonlight catches the moisture under his eyes. When he speaks again, his voice is softer, more fragile.

“Do you have any idea how fucking terrified I was when we got ambushed by those slayers, and—and they held you down and burned you?! I thought I was going to lose you. And then I couldn’t—” His voice breaks, lip curling in disgust. “I couldn’t do shit. I threw everything I had into getting them off you, and there were still too many.”

Something about Eli’s panicked, desperate expression makes Demetri’s anger melt away. He steps forward, cupping his boyfriend’s cheek in his hand.

“You did throw them off their game enough for me to break out,” he says gently. “If it weren’t for you, maybe we wouldn’t have gotten away at all.”

Eli scowls. “We got lucky. What, were we supposed to do that every time? Run away and hope they don’t catch up? I’m done living like that.”

Demetri looks away. He’s right—it isn’t that different from how they used to be, running from every bully and praying they were faster.

“It was stupid, anyways,” Eli mumbles. “Thinking I could fend off trained monster killers with fucking karate.”

“Well, I blame our senseis for giving us the impression that karate is the most valuable and indispensable weapon in the entire world.”

Eli snorts. “Yeah, turns out there are scarier things in the world than kids with blackbelts.”

“Who would’ve thought?”

They both laugh, and Demetri’s agitation continues to gradually trickle away.

“Dem.” Eli breaks into a slow smile, his hand sliding over Demetri’s. “I can protect you now.”

His eyes are shining, bright like they used to be when he puzzled out a tricky line of code or beat his high score in a game. Nothing but innocent delight and pure, unabashed hope.

Demetri sighs. “Stop looking at me like that. You know I can’t stay mad at you.”

“Yeah, that’s never been your strong suit, has it?”

He huffs in defeat and pulls Eli into his arms, burying his nose in a now-rather-weathered blue mohawk. It smells like dust and dirt and leaves tonight, the usual faint blueberry aroma of the dye nowhere to be found.

“It’s just…” He noses Eli’s hair. “They’ll kill you on sight now. They’d at least hesitate if you were still human.”

Eli scoffs into his chest. “I’m a lot harder to kill now.”

“I suppose that’s true.”

He runs a hand along Eli’s back, trying to let the last of his biting anxiety ebb away.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he murmurs. “I don’t know what this’ll do to you, but…I want you to still be you. I don’t want it to turn you into something I don’t recognize. I…” He holds Eli a little tighter. “I felt you slipping away a year ago, and it scared the shit out of me. I felt like I didn’t know you anymore. I don’t—I don’t want that ever again.”

“Demetri, I did this for you.” Eli works his fingers in Demetri’s flannel. “Why would I leave now?”

“That’s not what I mean. Just…” He exhales. “Promise me whatever happens, you’ll try to hold on to yourself. Because…well, it’s selfish as hell, but I am so fucking in love with you, and I don’t want this whole thing to…kill that person.”

Eli laughs softly against him. “I promise. Guess it’s only fair, since you managed.”

“I also just…I’ve heard it really hurts, what with all the realigning bones and what have you. I don’t want you to have to go through that.”

“I mean. Didn’t yours hurt too?”

Eli suddenly pulls away, fingers trailing up to the scars on Demetri’s neck. They don’t sting anymore, although they’re still pretty unsightly.

Good thing his mom usually has spare foundation when he needs to go out.

“Yeah, but I couldn’t exactly opt out. And it was just the once.”

Eli shrugged. “I’ll be fine. If I can survive the ‘pain does not exist’ dojo, this’ll be nothing.”

“Speaking of, though.”

Demetri pulls Eli’s arm close, inspecting it.

He only glimpsed the wound when Eli first walked into his living room, and didn’t have time to get a good look before he was already yelling. The complete lack of evidence of any crying—or rather any indication that Eli was upset about this at all—was proof enough that the bite was no accident.

It’s ironic, really. Demetri took them into the backyard to avoid waking up his mom, but their shouting probably woke up the entire neighborhood instead.

The bite’s a nasty thing—a semicircle of deep toothmarks, the skin around them puffy and inflamed. They’re starting to seep red again, as if Eli had initially managed to stave off the bleeding only for it to pick up again.

“I put pressure on it,” Eli says. Reading his mind as usual. “Kind of calmed it down for a while.”

“Come here.”

He guides Eli down to the grass, pulling over the Ralph’s bag he set down earlier. He was pissed when Eli came in, sure, but not too pissed to raid his mom’s first aid cabinet and grab a few essentials.

He digs out a tube of disinfectant and antibacterial, starting to carefully spread them over the wound.

“So let me get this straight. Your plan was to wander around Topanga Canyon on the full moon, find a werewolf, and…bait them into attacking you?”

“Pretty much.”

Demetri scowls. “I do not know where to even begin with that, but first of all, you know there are actual dangerous nocturnal pumas out there, right? Like lycanthropy aside, the wilderness at night is one of the least safe places you can possibly be.”

Eli snorts. “Yeah, well, my chances of finding werewolves in a fucking Costco aren’t great.”

Demetri purses his lips. “You’re impossible. If I still had a fully-functional digestive system, I’m certain you would’ve given me a stomach ulcer by now.”

“Love you, Dem.”

He pauses to see Eli giving him the most innocent possible look and groans. “Stop using that to get out of trouble, Moskowitz.”

“It’s so effective, though. Can’t kick it if it works.” Demetri only rolls his eyes.

He squints at the wound as a new fear bubbles up.

“And you’re sure this was a werewolf, right? Not just an actual wolf? Or a coyote? Should I take you in for another rabies shot?”

Eli wrinkles his nose. “Nah. This thing looked too weird. Definitely part human.”

“I have to confess, I don’t get it.” He shakes his head as he continues to rub cotton pad circles over Eli’s skin. “If you wanted to be strong enough to back me up, why didn’t you ask me to bite you? I’m sure you’d turn out to be a more badass vampire than me, anyways.”

“Because you never would have gone for it.”

Demetri stops, glancing up. Eli looks so confident in the statement that it’s almost insulting.

“What—how do you know? Did you ever think to ask, Eli?!”

“You would’ve given me a speech about how your existence is a curse and you’d never subject me to that because you love me, blah blah blah. Never would have convinced you.”

“You didn’t even try!”

“Didn’t need to.” Eli scoffs. “Seriously dude, you are so fucking predictable. Like you’d ever ask me to give up my mom’s hilbeh dip for you. I’d do it, by the way, but the fact you’d act like it’s the tragedy of the century and throw me the world’s biggest pity party makes me like…not want to. More than all the actual annoying vampire shit.”

“And this is better?” Demetri gestures aggressively at Eli’s upper arm—undoubtedly one of the most disagreeable injuries he’s ever seen. And he’s broken an entire limb.

“Jesus, Eli. You could have at least told me you were doing this. I could’ve…I don’t know, given you a sword or something in case things got gnarly.”

“What, that decorative one you got during your 4th grade Aragorn phase? I’d swing it once and it’d break in half. Besides, you’d never have let me even go.”

“That’s not—”

“Yeah, it is, asshole.” Demetri curses Eli’s ever-present ability to read his mind.

He hates that Eli’s right. He shouldn’t get the satisfaction, after doing one of the stupidest things known to mankind.

“You would’ve bitched at me until you got your way,” Eli goes on. “And if I tried to go anyways, you’d follow me into the fucking werewolf-infested forest and get yourself killed.”

“And—and you wouldn’t get yourself killed?!”

“Clearly not, or I wouldn’t be here talking to you.”

Eli glowers at him. The sight has always reminded him of a chihuahua—undeniably adorable, but fair warning that the boy would bite if you pressed him any further.

And mind him, Demetri’s experienced enough of the bite of Eli Moskowitz to last a lifetime.

Demetri sighs. He really hates when Eli’s right.

The downsides of having someone who can so precisely predict your every move is that it’s nearly impossible to be crafty. Whatever your brand of cleverness is, it’s already been accounted for, with every last possible decision and outcome analyzed. What with the rainbow hair and the hammy, loud persona he still puts on in public, it can be easy for Demetri to forget Eli’s brain runs on mathematical probabilities, too.

Logicians are many things, but “charismatic and vibrant” aren’t usually among them.

Nonetheless, the more mortifying aspect of Eli’s intuition doesn’t outweigh the perks. Few things compare to the odd euphoria of having someone remember that his favorite flavor of fruit snack was sour cherry, and that as a preteen he insisted on having his ice cubed rather than crushed for the sole reason of liking the aesthetics of it.

He settles for an extremely annoyed eye roll before returning to wiping Eli’s wound. “Well, next time you decide to do something that will drastically alter the course of your entire life, please talk it over with me first.”

Eli won’t, of course. But perhaps he’ll at least consider it, and that’s a start.

Demetri frowns suddenly, something unsettling occuring to him.

“Do you…do you know who it was?” he asks softly. “Anyone we would know?”

“Kyler Park.”

“Wh—Eli!” He smacks Eli’s uninjured arm. “Are you insane? He’s a steaming shitbag! You really trusted him not to actually maul you to death when he got the chance?!”

“Demetri, Kyler is dumb as fuck. All you have to do is play dead once and he’ll think he annihilated your entire existence with a half-assed arm bite.”

A snicker bursts out before Demetri can stop it. “That’s all you had to do?”

“Deadass. I lie still for like a minute and he prances off into the bushes, howling like he won the AVT.”

And then they’re both laughing, holding each other and giggling and wheezing, terror and anger forgotten.

Eli’s right again. Demetri doesn’t know how to stay mad at him.

He slips a used paper towel back into the bag and pulls out a roll of gauze, starting to wrap it around Eli’s arm.

“Did you turn tonight?” he asks quietly, voice serious again. “Before you came over.”

Eli shakes his head. “I think it takes a while for it to, uh…get into my system.”

“I want to be there, then. The first time you change. I want to be with you.”

Silence. He looks up to see Eli frowning at him.

“That’s dangerous, Demetri. I can’t control it yet, I might—”

“—hurt me, yeah, I know.” Demetri snorts. “You can’t just steal all my catchphrases and shoot them back at me.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m wrong!”

“Eli.” He leans forward, sneaking a quick kiss. “I’m a horrific undead fanged monster that parents tell their kids creepy bedtime stories about. I think I can handle myself.”

Eli looks away, but not quick enough to hide a small smile. “You almost say that like you’re okay with it.”

“If it means I get to stay with you when you need me, then…yeah. Could be worse.” He scoots forward, leaning into Eli’s side.

“You stayed with me when I was going through all my crap,” he murmurs. “Even, yes, when it probably freaked you out. Let me return the favor.”

He feels Eli tense next to him, heart speeding up. Pure, raw fear.

Demetri recoils, concern rippling through him.

“Do you think I’ll hurt you?” he whispers. “On instinct or something?”

Eli shakes his head rapidly. “No, of course not! Never.”

“Then why are you scared?”

A silence.

“It’ll be ugly.” When Eli finally speaks, his voice is barely audible. “The whole thing. You won’t look at me the same way. I don’t want you to stop—”

He doesn’t finish, but Demetri knows what he means.

I don’t want you to stop loving me.

Demetri wraps long arms around Eli’s waist and pulls his boyfriend into his lap. He leans down, planting a soft kiss on Eli’s scar.

“Nothing about you can be ugly to me,” he murmurs, lips ghosting over the little line of raised skin. “You know that. And for the record, you could melt into a puddle of…I don’t know, toxic, stinky slime mold and I’d still be in love with you.”

He feels the scar stretch as Eli grins.

“Thank you.” Demetri’s fingers brush through Eli’s buzzed hair, massaging his scalp. “For sticking with me through everything. For having my back. I promise I’ll always have yours, too.”

Eli presses their foreheads together, looping thin arms around his neck as naturally as though they’ve always been doing this.

“I know.”

***

“You don’t have to do this.”

They’re leaning against Demetri’s car as dusk falls over Topanga Canyon, fingers interlocked. Eli’s eyes dart around nervously, scanning over the inky outlines of the trees over and over again.

Demetri squeezes his hand. “I’m not going anywhere, Eli Moskowitz. Deal with it.”

Eli huffs. “You’re already a nervous wreck. You don’t need more shit to haunt your nightmares.”

“What, like you being out in the creepy woods all by yourself, sad and alone, wailing in agony, without your wonderful boyfriend around to comfort you? Yeah, that would be a bad one.”

For a moment, Eli’s anxiety melts, giving way to a small snigger. “Do you ever stop running your mouth?”

“Not really. You should know this by now.”

Eli takes a step toward the darkening trees, eyes flicking up at the emerging stars. “Okay, last chance, Demetri. Drive home.”

“Not in your wildest dreams, pal.”

Eli turns with narrowed eyes, as though debating arguing more. Finally he huffs, shaking his head.

“Fine. But if it looks like I’m going to attack you—at all—you need to fucking run. Okay? And if I come to and find out I’ve gored you because you didn’t listen, I’m going to be pissed.”

Demetri shrugs. “Sounds reasonable. I’d rather not be wolf dinner if I can help it.”

“Do you promise?” Eli turns and grabs his other hand, squeezing tight. “Swear on your life or some shit. I need your word you won’t get yourself mauled trying to talk me down.”

“All right, all right! I swear on the honor of House Arryn. That was always your favorite, right?”

Eli sighs. “I’ll take it. Let’s just get away from the road.”

He pulls Demetri into the forest, grip on his hand vicelike. Demetri can feel the nervousness pulsing off every fiber of his boyfriend’s body.

“You don’t have to wait for me, by the way,” Eli mumbles. “If the sun’s about to come up and you need to leave, I can find my way home. I’ve done it before.”

Demetri frowns. “How?”

“I can track your scent.”

Despite himself, Demetri chuckles a little. “Oh, yeah. I guess now we can bond over how weird that is. What do I smell like, anyways?”

“Flannel and silicon. Like 5 different types of your mom’s body lotions. Sometimes stale tortilla chips.”

He blushes a little at how fast Eli answered.

“I, uh…yeah, I guess that tracks.”

The trees part ahead, silvery light trickling through. Eli stops, and Demetri feels his heartbeat pound through both of them.

“Shit. I think it’s starting.”

“Okay.” He squeezes Eli’s hand. “I’m here. I’m right here.”

There’s a sudden cracking and Eli’s spine distorts, twisting in unnatural jerks. He lets out a scream, doubling over.

“It’s okay.” He keeps his grip on Eli’s hand, guiding them both down to the ground. “I’ve got you. Just breathe.”

Eli’s entire body is trembling as they settle on the dirt. He meets Demetri’s gaze, eyes wide and panicked.

“Demetri, I—” He’s interrupted by more spasms, ripping down his sides. More snapping of bone, and Eli gasps.

“Eli!”

Demetri shouts his name without thinking. Eli’s panic has become his own now, surging through him like a California wildfire.

“Shit, Eli, are you okay?”

Eli shakes his head, pained tears starting to trickle down his face.

“I, um…I brought peanut butter balls with ibuprofen in them. You want me to get them from the car?”

“N-no.” His voice is shaking as violently as his body. “D-don’t l-leave me. Please.”

“All right. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Hold on, lemme just…”

In what looks like a taxing movement, Eli shrugs off his jacket and pulls his t-shirt over his shoulders. The outline of his lotus tattoo is just barely visible, hidden under a newly-sprouted layer of gray-brown fur.

The fur is crawling up his arms, into his face. It’s an odd sight.

And then Eli’s face starts to reshape itself.

Cracks and pops ring out as his skin ripples, stretching into something elongated and grotesque. “D-Demetri…”

He doesn’t have any follow-up. It’s as though he’s saying Demetri’s name to remind himself Demetri is a person. Somebody he knows.

Not just another piece of prey.

His mouth starts to extend, drifting open to reveal rows of gleaming, sharp teeth. The skin around it stretches, making an unsettling ripping noise.

“Oh, look at those chompers!” Demetri gives Eli a full-toothed grin, showing off the latest addition to his own dental assortment. “We match now!”

Despite everything, Eli laughs.

It’s a strange noise, a ragged mixture of a snort and a growl. Nonetheless, the quickly-morphing werewolf appears to be smiling.

Something sharp jabs into the back of Demetri’s hand, and moisture trickles across his skin. He glances down to see long, honed claws have torn out of his boyfriend’s fingers, blood pooling around every hole in the flesh.

This only makes Demetri hold onto him tighter.

“Demetri.”

Eli whispers his name over and over as he morphs, like it’s his last lifeline. Demetri feels a bulky, thickened finger brush against the back of his own, stroking almost frantically.

And that’s about when the real nightmare begins.

Eli starts convulsing, the cracks and pops and rips speeding up until he’s screaming in pain. Fur sprouts from every pore, bloody pieces of skin peeling off and fluttering to the ground. His muscles bulge, rippling just beneath fresh fur like they have a mind of their own. His face elongates more and more until a snout bursts from the center, stretched wide in a guttural wail.

It’s terrifying, but not for the reasons it would terrify most anyone else.

It’s Eli lying motionless on the mall floor. It’s Eli stalking through the computer lab in a frenzied rage, calling his name in a breaking voice. It’s Eli crumpled by the trophy case, glass pieces in his face. It’s Eli holding him down with shaking hands in the arcade, his peers goading him to crush any kindness left into dust. It’s Eli held down on the mat, about to be punched out by Robby Keene.

It’s the particular agony of knowing Eli’s in pain—deep, throbbing, terrible pain—and being absolutely fucking helpless to do anything about it.

That’s Demetri’s greatest weakness, he supposes—the one thing that always trumps over everything else. He can’t stand to see Eli Moskowitz hurting.

Now all he can do is try to be the anchor he never quite could before. Show Eli that he can’t make the pain go away, but he can help him through it.

He holds Eli’s hand until he can’t anymore. Eventually his fingers are pushed free as the bulky paw takes shape, the gaps between the toes narrowing too much for anything to fit.

When the worst of the shifting is over, Eli is a hunkering mass of mostly-wolf, whining softly. His ears, now stretched to unnatural points, are pressed flat against his head. He stares at the ground, working impossibly long claws in dirt and leaf litter.

“Eli.” Demetri takes a shaky breath. “Look at me.”

The creature doesn’t budge.

“Please look at me.”

Eli turns.

His face is pulled in strange ways. Slightly contorted, like someone tried to make a clay figurine and didn’t quite know what a wolf looked like. It’s a patchwork of fur and twisted skin, a squished nose that’s a blend of wolf and human. There are bits of skin and sinew and blood strewn around where fur forced its way out—and Demetri winces, because that looks like it really fucking hurt.

His eyes are still undeniably human, at least. Pale blue and spilling with emotion, just like they’ve always been. But the look in them is enough to shatter Demetri.

Regret. Fear. Shame.

He starts to turn away. Demetri reaches out and cups his cheek, stopping him.

“I love you,” Demetri whispers. “And I don’t—I don’t know how much of yourself you’ll hold onto tonight, but I need you to remember that. Promise me.”

He feels like an idiot as soon as he says it. Eli probably can’t even talk anymore.

But then he hears a tiny, rasping voice, its single word almost indecipherable.

“Promise.”

Eli collapses. One final convulsion, and any trace of humanity is gone.

For several moments the wolf just lies there, sides heaving. Demetri scoots back, rising unsteadily to his feet.

“Eli?” he calls tentatively.

The wolf’s ears prick up. That’s probably a good sign.

The enormous creature rolls over slowly, getting to his paws. He eyes Demetri skeptically, whining.

It’s very strange, looking at this great beast that has Eli’s eyes. Trying to figure out if Demetri’s imagining the recognition in them or not.

“Eli, do you know who I am?”

The wolf prowls toward him, growling softly. Demetri holds his breath and extends a hand, palm out and fingers shaking.

Please don’t be gone.

The wolf gives him a long look, ears twitching. Sizing him up. Demetri tenses his legs, ready to make a run for it.

Then he feels something soft against his skin.

Demetri looks down to see the wolf pressing a furry forehead into his palm, and he lets out a laugh of relief. “You do know me.”

The wolf grunts and looks up at him again, blue eyes almost annoyed. The sort of No shit, moron look he’d know anywhere.

He cups the wolf’s cheek and lets his fingers trail down, tracing the huge jawline. The beast lets out a puzzled growl.

“Hold on. I just…”

His fingers brush against a familiar line of raised skin, curving from under the wolf’s nose to the start of a long canine tooth. Buried under fur now, but unmistakably there.

Something soft flutters inside of him.

“Sorry, I just…I had to make sure it was really you.”

He leans forward, pressing a kiss to the scar. The wolf whines uncertainly.

He smiles, gently cupping the wolf’s huge face and bringing their foreheads together. “I’m glad you’re okay, love. I’ll stay as long as you want.”

They settle into a pile on the ground, Eli curled around Demetri’s skinny form. Demetri buries himself in the mass of gray-brown fur, stroking it over and over.

Eli’s okay. Eli’s going to be okay.

Right now, that’s all that matters.

***

It’s a while before Demetri gets another scare.

He honestly thought he had enough for one night, and would just as soon capped it at Eli contorting every which way and screaming in pain. Still, the universe seems unable to throw him any kind of bone without also making those bones look rather tasty to his boyfriend-turned-megafaunal-carnivore.

His first indication that something is amiss is the licking.

It’s endearing at first, if a little gross. He makes no secret of his gripes about having to shower when he gets home, and he’s pretty sure Eli licks him more after just to annoy him.

After a while, they get more insistent, and he feels less like an object of affection and more like a Trader Joe’s sample.

“Hey! Knock it off!” One lick too many, and Demetri squirms out from under Eli’s snout, pushing his massive paw aside. “I keep telling you you’re making a mess! You—”

He stops. Eli is giving him a strange look.

A chill ripples through him.

It reminds him of the looks Eli used to give him when they fought—cold, intense, ruthless. Although less angry this time, and more…hungry.

There’s something almost primal in his stare that Demetri’s never seen before. Swallowing, he takes a step back.

The wolf follows, uttering a low growl. His tail is raised, eyes bright and alert.

Ready for the hunt.

“Eli. It’s me.” He takes a shaky breath, dread starting to crawl through him. “It’s Dem. You don’t want to hurt me.”

Perhaps there was a time when that wasn’t true, but those days are long gone.

Aren’t they?

The wolf snarls, fur starting to bush up as he continues to advance. His haunches are wiggling, almost like he’s…

Getting ready to charge.

One last time.

Demetri tenses his own legs, preparing to sprint.

“Eli, it’s me.” He smiles weakly. “Codename zer0. Remember?”

The wolf stops.

He flattens his ears for a moment, looking confused. Then the realization seems to dawn.

He stumbles away, whimpering. Tail sweeping in low, anxious circles.

“Hey, it’s okay, it happens.” Demetri steps forward, extending a hand. “You didn’t mean t—”

The wolf turns and high-tails it into the forest. Demetri wants to follow, but he knows better.

He trudges over to the dirt patch where Eli first changed, clothes still scattered across the ground. Crouching, he picks up Eli’s black-and-red jacket and slips it on.

It’s the one he wore during the school fight, Demetri realizes. He looks over the striped sleeve with a small smile, shaking his head.

He wonders what the Eli from a year ago would think if he knew where his jacket was now, wrapped around the boy he claimed to hate while he prowled the woods as a monster he became to protect said boy. The irony is really too much.

Would “Hawk” find it funny, too? Would he be glad he and his best friend smoothed things out, figured out years’ worth of tension? Or would he just be disgusted with himself, knowing he’d end up letting someone like Demetri love him? Knowing he’d reciprocate?

Was he always in love with Demetri, even back then?

He never thought to ask Eli when it all started. He’s still wrapping his head around his boyfriend loving him in the present.

A long, mournful howl peels through the night, and a deep yearning churns in Demetri’s chest. He suddenly wishes he had the vocal cords to answer.

“I’ll see you soon.”

He says it to no one. He doesn’t know why. Perhaps to comfort himself when, right now, he’s all he has.

Demetri gathers up the rest of Eli’s discarded outfit. For a long while he sits with his back against a tree, holding it close.

***

It’s 10 am when Eli finally shows up at Demetri’s bedroom door, disheveled and dirty with his blue hair hanging down in a sad heap and reeking of raw meat. He doesn’t seem too bothered by his state, leaning in Demetri’s doorway with a casual suaveness that should infuriate him.

Right now, all Demetri can feel is relief.

“Holy shit, Eli.” He props himself up on his elbows, gesturing almost frantically to the spot beside him on the bed. “You’re okay.”

“Yeah, toughed it out like a champ.”

Demetri opens his arms. In a familiar ritual, Eli wastes no time darting across the room and crawling into them.

He might get dirt on the bed, but Demetri can deal with his mom’s lectures later.

“Sorry I had to leave,” Demetri murmurs, plucking a couple twigs out of Eli’s hair. “I wanted to wait for you, but…sun was coming up, and I didn’t want to roast alive. Or…roast undead, I guess?”

Eli laughs, nuzzling into his shirt. “Nah, man, you did the right thing. I also don’t want you roasting undead.”

“You feeling all right?” He brushes a hand through Eli’s hair, unearthing several leaves. “You were having a pretty bad time last night. I wanted to help more, but…I didn’t know what to do.”

“You being there helped.” Eli grabs one of his hands and starts playing with it absentmindedly. “Thank you. I know that was probably a lot.”

“I hate seeing you in pain like that.” Perhaps without meaning to, Demetri’s grip tightens. “It scares me. But I hate you being in pain by yourself more, so. I deal. Reminds me too much of when we were being kicked around growing up, and I never knew how much it was hurting you. I…never really forgave myself for leaving you to deal with that on your own.”

Eli sighs. “I didn’t tell you. You’re not a mind reader. I just…I don’t know. I thought I should be able to deal with my shit on my own.”

“Well, you never have to again.” He strokes Eli’s back. “And I’m sorry if I wasn’t there for you before. I will be from now on.”

“I know.”

Eli’s hand works in the fabric of his shirt, making its way up to his collar. He gives an abrupt grunt of disapproval.

“Demetri, is that my jacket?”

“I, uh…” Demetri blushes. “It smelled like you. Helped relax me while I was waiting.”

“So you’re the reason I froze my ass off the entire walk home.”

He laughs, pulling a wad of blankets over both of them. “Sorry, love. Didn’t know you’d lose all your fur before the sun came up.”

“S’fine. I guess if it stops you from flipping out all night.”

“Glad you got all the glass out,” Demetri teases, gently poking Eli’s side. “I’d feel kind of bad if I knew I ruined it.”

“Wait. Was that the one I—” Eli stiffens. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t remember, I just grabbed it—”

“Eli.” His hand finds Eli’s shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll keep telling you until you believe me. I’m not mad about any of that stuff anymore. It’s just a jacket. And besides…” He pecks the top of Eli’s head. “It’s cute, and it smells like you, so positive associations outweigh negative ones. I wouldn’t be getting cozy in it if it gave me terrible karate war PTSD.”

“I know. I still hate that I did all that, though.”

“And I hate that I told the entire school you piss the bed, but. You now turn into a colossal murderous beast once a month and I have to drink human blood to survive. I think we have slightly bigger concerns.” Eli mumbles disapprovingly, but doesn’t try to argue.

Demetri frowns suddenly, looking down at Eli’s small, bedraggled form. “How much do you remember from last night, anyways?”

Although he can’t see it, Demetri can imagine Eli scrunching his face up in concentration. “Just bits and pieces, I guess. I remember you holding my hand and telling me you loved me like a sappy bitch.”

Demetri snickers. “Yeah, yeah, guilty as charged.”

Although Eli’s tone is nonchalant, it sends a pulsing wave of relief through Demetri.

So some part of it all stuck. The monstrous wolf roaming the forest alone into the wee hours of the morning still knew he was loved. Still knew he would have someone to come home to. Someone who would hold him even when he was at his most…well…conventionally unattractive (i.e. in the process of transforming into a giant terrifying creature).

“I also remember you making me fucking ibuprofen peanut butter dog treats. Like who does that?”

Demetri snorts with laughter. “Offer still stands for those, by the way. I could also try Tylenol. That helps a lot with broken bone pain.”

“Ah, shit.” Eli tenses again. “This of all things I don’t deserve your advice for.”

“Oh, my god.” He jostles Eli’s shoulder playfully. “Are you still on about that? I think you breaking several of your own bones for my benefit, repeatedly, once a month, outweighs you breaking one of my bones one time.”

“Mmm.” Eli hums thoughtfully. “When you put it like that, it sounds like you need to sacrifice a few more limbs for me so we’ll be even.”

Demetri scoffs. “Well, unlike some people around here, my bones don’t fix themselves after they mold into giant wolf bones and back.”

“Weak.” Although it comes out like a taunt, Eli kisses Demetri’s chest as he says it.

Demetri laughs, giving his back another rub.

“Remember anything else? You still sore at all?”

“Nah. The aches stopped like an hour after I turned back.” Eli suddenly looks up at him with a tenderness that could euthanize him on the spot. “I remember you touching my scar, though.”

He’s hit with a surge of emotion, coursing through him like good coffee on an early morning and making him wonder how it’s cosmically possible to love a single human being with the sheer magnitude and intensity with which he loves Eli Moskowitz.

Demetri smiles, brushing a thumb over the rough skin. “It’s beautiful. I’m sorry anyone ever made you feel like it was something to be ashamed of.”

Although Eli rolls his eyes, his cheeks go unmistakably pink. “Ugh. You’re biased. Pretty sure you’re the only person who actually likes it.”

“Yes, and I’m the only person ever whose opinion actually matters, because I’m right.”

“You always think you’re right!”

“I have yet to be wrong. Well…in a broad sense. Why would I be wrong about your beauty mark?”

“Please. It’s a facial deformity.”

“Oh, what, you put stock in that?” Demetri’s lip curls in disgust. “Counselor Blatt’s entire visage is a facial deformity. And anyways, the woman completely believed you were a wholesome pillar of purity while you were wearing your hair in blood-red death spikes, so I don’t think she’s getting an invite into MENSA anytime soon. There are much more credible opinions to trust.”

Eli scoffs. “Like yours? You’re not subtle, Demetri.”

“Oh, I’d never try to be. But yes, like mine, because I’m correct. It’s a beauty mark.”

He leans down and pecks the scar. Eli groans, but thankfully doesn’t try to argue further.

“What else did I do last night, anyway? I remember you petting me, I think and then everything’s kinda vague, until—” Eli stiffens. “Oh shit.”

“What?”

“I tried to hunt you, didn’t I?”

His voice comes out in a strangled whisper, and Demetri’s heart breaks all over again.

“Hey. It wasn’t like that.” He kisses the top of Eli’s head. “You only looked like you wanted to eat me for like…a few seconds, tops. And I snapped you out of it pretty fast.”

“You…” Suddenly he’s being seized by his shoulders and slammed down into the bed.

“You moron!” Eli spits. “I told you to run if I started doing that kind of shit!”

“You weren’t really!” Demetri tries to shove Eli off, but his boyfriend holds fast.

“You just said I looked like I wanted to eat you! Is that not a good enough reason to haul ass out of there?!”

Demetri decides that perhaps he should omit the part about the repeat licking. Eli doesn’t need more ammo.

“That’s not you,” he says fiercely, clutching Eli’s wrist. “I know you. I know I can get through to you, and I know you’ll never lay a hand on me again. Or…a paw, I guess. Same difference.”

“You can’t count on that!”

Demetri sees wetness trickling in at the corner of Eli’s eyes and feels a twinge of guilt.

“I know you’re scared.” He reaches up, gently brushing the tears away. “And I’ve been there, too. I know what it’s like. But let me trust you the way you’ve been trusting me. Please.”

Eli shakes his head, sniffling. “I just don’t want to wake up and find you dead.”

“And you won’t.” He runs a thumb over his boyfriend’s skin. “These gangly legs are no joke. I know I used to complain about them killing my sex appeal, but they can take me very rapidly away from werewolves if needed.”

“For once in your life, be serious, Demetri!”

Eli glares down at him with an intensity he hasn’t seen in a while. He feels the other boy’s heart hammering through him, every muscle in Eli’s body squeezed as tight as it can go.

“I am,” Demetri says softly. “I promise I am. I need you to trust I can take care of myself. Okay?”

Eli exhales, some of the anger and panic seeming to drain out with it.

He pats Eli’s cheek. “I’m made of tougher stuff than I used to be. I think unless you start growing silver teeth or eating a bunch of garlic bread before you transform, we’ll be fine.”

“Still. You can’t be reckless like that—”

“Oh, look who’s talking! I don’t want to hear a peep from you, Mr. Rabies Shot Cobra Heist Cement Truck Vandalism Underage Drinking Breaking-and-Entering Getting-Intentionally-Bit-By-Werewolves Moskowitz.”

Eli releases a long sigh. “I hate that you have a list ready.”

“Yes, and for the love of god, do not make me make it longer.”

Eli huffs—a defeated noise that sends a ripple of satisfaction through Demetri. “How did you get through to me, anyways?”

Demetri snickers. “Oh, you’ll love this.”

“…oh no.”

“Demetri and Eli, binary—” Eli smacks him before he can finish.

“Come on, dude, that?!” His boyfriend looks at him in abject horror, and he bursts out laughing. “That’s so freaking—out of all the things I could remember about you, it had to be ‘Codename zer0.’”

“‘Codename zer0’ got you back into karate with that video and indirectly won you a trophy, as I recall.”

Eli lets out long groan, face pressed into Demetri’s shoulder. “Is that even our catchphrase anymore? It’s super weird now that we’re dating. We should be like…the Binary Badasses or something.”

“Like that sounds any less ridiculous.”

Eli elbows him in the stomach. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Fine, fine!” He raises a hand in defeat. “Binary Badasses it is. For you.”

Eli slides off him and nestles into the crook of his arm, finally releasing Demetri from his death grip. As tousled blue hair brushes over his chest, he notices something strange.

Eli isn’t exactly spotless—wandering around Topanga Canyon at night as a giant carnivore did a number on him. Scrapes, cuts, bruises, plenty of dust and forest debris still mixed into Eli’s luscious cerulean locks. But other than that…

No evidence of any ripping skin. No gougemarks, no deep lacerations, no lines of marred, torn flesh, carved open and shredded to make room for fur and snouts and claws and everything else. Eli looks just as tan and polished as he did yesterday evening.

Apparently he regrew everything with little trouble. It’s difficult to conceptualize—such a rapid myriad of creation and destruction, all in one night.

“I saved your skin,” Demetri blurts out.

Eli lifts his head to give him a baffled look. “You what?”

“All the skin and sinew and whatnot that peeled off when you morphed. It was lying around in the dirt and I didn’t know if you’d want it back, so…I washed it and put it in that bag over there.”

He gestures at the grocery bag leaning up against his desk—probably the reason why the stench of Eli’s hunting trophies hasn’t bothered him all that much.

“Wh—DUDE! What the fuck?! That’s disgusting, what—” Eli looks like he’s just witnessed a war crime. “Why the hell would I want all my own peeled-off skin back?!”

“Well, I didn’t know it would all grow back!” Demetri puts his hands up. “And I didn’t want you to—I don’t know, wander around LA as some shambling skinless mess trying to hold all your organs in or whatever.”

“Demetri.” Eli presses his palm into his forehead. “How would any werewolf survive more than one full moon if they didn’t grow their fucking skin back?”

“I thought it might be like…a reverse selkie thing, all right?! Look, I read up a lot on werewolves, but none of the Wikihows mentioned what to do with all the skin and muscle bits lying around. I thought if I just left it there, it’d get eaten by a raccoon or something. And who knows what that would do to you?!”

“Probably the same thing as if your finger got cut off and a raccoon ate it? It’s no longer attached to your body, who cares?”

“Okay, but what if not all your skin grew back? What if you were stumbling through the forest covered in holes—which, by the way, all kinds of microorganisms and viruses can just climb on in through—and then you try to reattach your old skin but it’s covered in dirt and you get super infected—”

“Demetri.” Eli buries his face in Demetri’s chest, groaning for perhaps the 17th time that morning. “That’s not—how would I even do that? By fucking supergluing it back on?”

“I don’t know, you tell me!” Demetri waves his hands in exasperation. “I just didn’t want to be in a situation where you needed your skin and I left it to the mercy of the elements like a terrible boyfriend.”

Eli sighs, crawling back onto his chest and looking at him with an almost pitying expression. “‘Metri, did you think werewolves had to get skin grafts once a month? Is there any insurance on earth that covers that?”

“It was just a precaution, all right?!” Demetri huffs. “I’m still figuring out how all this works. I don’t want to screw it up.”

“Then use your brain, dumbass.” Eli thumps him on the temple, and Demetri rolls his eyes. “Something that shapeshifted once a month and wasn’t able to self-repair would be a biological nightmare. How would that shit even function?! Gather up all the ripped flesh and cram it back in? Werewolves wouldn’t be around long enough for people to tell horror stories about them if they were constantly dying of tetanus.”

“For all we know, they could be.” Demetri shrugs. “Or septicemia. Or osteomyelitis. Or—”

“Hey. Relax.” Eli presses a kiss to his neck. “I, uh…I guess I appreciate you saving a bag of my gross-ass severed skin in case you needed it for like…emergency repair, but I promise you don’t have to do that. I looked into this shit too, and I think if we were supposed to keep my skin, the internet would’ve said something about it across like 15 sites. Now you really need to get rid of that shit before your mom sees.”

“Uh, well…”

Demetri bites his lip, and Eli wilts.

“Oh no. Did you tell her I’m—”

“No, no!” He shakes his head vigorously. “She walked in on me washing it, and I was about to bullshit something, I swear, but then she said that next time I needed to hide a body, I should let her know and she’d help.”

“Jesus.” Eli snorts out a laugh. “What the hell was she up to back in Greece?”

He grimaces. “Whatever it was, she evidently did a very good job of hiding her tracks. So much so that she can offer advice.”

“All right, well. We’re covered if the blood bank scams stop working.” He smirks.

“Holy shit!” Demetri shoves him, laughing. “You’re awful.”

“Oh, you fucking love me, Demetri Alexopoulos. Dog stink and all.”

He swoops down, grabbing Demetri’s lips in his own. As he pulls away, Demetri wrinkles his nose.

Although Demetri’s come to appreciate Eli’s initiative, he’s not sure it’s ideal right now. The shorter boy’s breath is abysmal.

“You do stink, though,” he mutters. ���What were you doing all night?”

Eli gives him the same meek grin that always seems to get him out of trouble. “I…may have eaten a couple deer.”

“Ah! That explains the stench of rotting venison.” Eli gives him another apologetic smile, this time with some bits of deer meat still visible in between his teeth. “And next full moon, I’m leaving you breath mints.”

“Mhm.” He traces delicate fingers over Demetri’s arm. “That’s rich, coming from the human mosquito.”

“Your favorite human mosquito, though.”

“Dem.” More gentle brushing before Eli’s fingers stop at the base of his neck. “We match now, yeah?”

He looks down to see Eli’s hand on his bite scars. Suddenly he wants to cry.

His own hand flutters off Eli’s back, drifting up his boyfriend’s arm until he feels the slight bump of raised skin. His fingers ghost across the wolf bite, once something so insurmountable and now nothing more than a bit of skin that doesn’t fit quite right.

Not that different from his own fading bitemarks. Something he’ll get past eventually. Something that stays, but not in a way that has to hurt.

He smiles. “Yeah. I suppose we do.”

“You’re not alone.” Eli presses soft lips to the same place vicious fangs had once been. “You never were.”

Demetri pulls Eli in, kissing his hair. “Neither are you. I wanted to chase after you last night, but…”

He trails off. No matter—he knows Eli knows what he’s trying to say.

It wasn’t safe. They can’t always be safe for each other, as much as they wish they could. It’s just part of their natures—their new natures.

“You never would have caught up, anyways,” Eli mumbles. “Soon as the wolf wanted to hunt you, I got so fucking scared. I ran as far as I could.”

Demetri feels an ache in his chest.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean t—”

“Not your fault,” Eli cuts him off. “I should have made you leave sooner. Chased you off or something. But I wanted you to stay. Kind of selfish, I know.”

Demetri smiles. “Good to know I’m not the only one. I should’ve done the whole ‘drive you away for your own safety’ thing with you ages ago. Was…the rest of your night okay, at least?”

“S’fine.” Eli shrugs against him. “Did some hunting. Enjoyed all the scents. Howled really loud. Ran around.” He sighs. “Got old, though. It was lonely. Kind of wished not everything that saw me cowered and ran.”

“Oh, you would’ve loved that last year, though.”

“Ugh. Don’t remind me.” He feels Eli’s face twitch into a scowl. “I guess that’s the thing about being at the top, isn’t it? You just feel alone.”

“I can imagine. I’m sorry.” He massages Eli’s scalp. “And…I’m sorry I flipped out at you last month. I know you were trying to help, and I know you can make your own choices. I guess I just…I worry about you. And I’m probably always going to worry about you. Hard to kick a habit I’ve had my entire life.”

Eli hums into his neck. “I’m sorry I worry you. I don’t mean to.”

“I know. If anything, I probably smother you too much. I used to try and shelter you away from every bad thing that could happen. I was never very good at it, though.”

Eli snorts. “Used to annoy the shit out of me. Not…when we were kids. I needed it back then. But when I dyed my hair and stopped taking shit, you acted like I’d been…I don’t know, corrupted, and you needed to heroically save me or whatever.”

“I kind of did, though.” Demetri snickers, flicking Eli’s shoulder. “You saw poor little Demetri in an arm bar, and that triggered your whole ‘Simba, remember who you are’ moment.”

“Well, you looked so pathetic I couldn’t help myself. Never seen a sadder sack of disproportionate limbs.”

“Oh, you take that back!” He grabs Eli’s shoulders and easily rolls on top of him, pinning him down. Eli cackles. “You are such a little—!”

“Demetriiiii.” Eli does his best pout. “I was out being a sad, lonely wolf monster all night. You wouldn’t get mad at me, would you?”

Demetri smacks his shoulder. “You’re such a brat.”

“Oh, but you want to be my knight in shining armor so fucking bad.”

It’s Demetri’s turn to pout. He looks away, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“It was…kind of flattering, you know.” He feels Eli’s fingers start to comb through his hair. “You being all fussy and suffocating. I didn’t realize I wanted it back until I was in Cobra Kai.”

“Classic Eli Moskowitz.” Demetri clicks his tongue. “Always wanting what he can’t have.”

“It felt nice, though. Knowing someone cared that much. Even after everything.”

Demetri refuses to look at him. Eli is undoubtedly hitting him with the doe eyes, and he refuses to give his boyfriend the satisfaction of watching all Demetri’s annoyance melt away in real time.

Besides, it won’t exactly help how much his face is still flushing.

“I’m not an anomaly.” He sighs, shaking his head. “Lots of people care about you, Eli. Yas, Moon, Miguel, Chris, Mr. LaRusso, Sam, Bert and Nate, your parents…”

“Yeah, and could any of them stomach that shit at Topanga?”

Finally, he looks down. Eli is gazing up at him with a thoroughly dubious expression.

“Could they?” Eli asks again, eyes flaring.

Demetri sighs.

“Probably not.”

“And that’s why I love you.”

He pulls Demetri’s neck down and kisses him like it’s the most vital thing he’s ever done.

Eli tastes wild—like fur and wood and leaves and berries and streamwater and fresh-killed deer. It’s a far cry from what Demetri used to fantasize about, all warmth and cinnamon and old books and cable-knit sweaters. It’s different from how he used to taste too—the kisses with reckless adrenaline and fresh sweat and sharp, chemically-scented Axe.

Eli Moskowitz never runs out of ways to surprise him. Demetri is finding he doesn’t mind at all.

He’s not even that bothered by deer breath. Not really. It’s Eli, and Demetri loves him with his entire being. Even when he stinks.

He cups Eli’s cheek in his hand, holding it like it could dissolve at any moment. It has to be the hundredth time they’ve done this, but regardless.

If Demetri had a heartbeat, it would still be racing.

“Demetri.” Eli is the first to pull away, hand loosening against Demetri’s neck as he leans back. For a moment they both hover there, lips only an inch apart.

“I’ll always come home to you,” Eli whispers against him. “No matter what.”

Demetri beams, bringing his forehead down to meet Eli’s.

“I know.”

***

Y’all remember when Trader Joe’s had samples??? Before the pandemic??? Because I do. Different times, goddamn. (Also CK canonically takes place in like 2018/2019ish so Trader Joe’s does indeed still have samples lmao)

I’m kind of obsessed with the idea of Demetri kissing Eli’s lip scar while he’s in wolf form. Idk man I Just Think It’s Neat.

Actually added a bit more to this than there originally was concerning Eli rewearing his S2 school fight jacket. I kinda like doing introspection with these boyos where they think back to the “enemies” phase and are just like “Well that was stupid” while also being morbidly fascinated and trying to psychologically untangle whatever tf was going through their heads XD

I really love writing Demetri in these kinds of AUs because you will subject the boy to horrors beyond human comprehension and he’ll just be like. Aggressively practical about them. “You shed your human skin in a bloody, disturbing mess when you transform into a werewolf??? Better hold onto that, you might need it later.” The best part is that his neurosis actually overrides his rationality half the time (not unlike myself lmao), so he’ll be over here catastrophizing while Eli is actually chillin and thinking things through logically (since he’s over the whole “get mad about everything” thing). They share a brain cell. Demetri thinks he’s the one who usually has it, but he’s wrong.

This goes with this btw!!! Basically took this bit and turned it into a whole scene. Demetri does indeed stay with Eli while he goes into wolf form so he doesn’t feel alone <3

Still giggling over the fact that for once I made Demetri the Red Gay and Eli the Blue Gay in the moodboard akajidpwbaiyvf