#it’s because I gotta cope

[ryomaandgundhamkin]

11/18/24 TW/CW: vent (sort of), mentions of blood, vomit (slightly), mentions of yelling, trauma, blood, et cetera. Thank you.

“My brain works in a weird way. It’s sort of like how celebrities or others online only show their best side. They only reveal the highlights of their life and positive moments, and the audience may look up to them or feel… insignificant, in comparison. After a bit, in my case, my mask can wear down. I play this positive character in this show, and my depressed states are merely my expressions when I am off-stage. And so, I want to find a way to cope with all my stress, my trauma. And until I do, it is broken. I cannot wear it again, or lies will show. I can’t play out-of-character in a live show; the live show being, well, my life. No- I need to find a way to cope. If I don’t, I’ll never forgive. I’ll never forget. I’ll never get over it. All I have sinned for. But. I am scared. What methods do I have where my writing keeps safe? What platform is not going to be tracked by my guardians? No matter where I go, they are there. They are watching. I can’t feel safe online if they are there. I can’t express my true potential if my mom will eventually find my account and brag to her friends over how great I am. Over how… talented I am.”

“I’m crying too much. Emotions flood me as if dams are broken. The water, a growing flood, overcomes my emotions and my rationality. I do not panic, but I am scared. But I must hide my sobs before my father finds me and mentally beats me up about it. ‘It won’t do any good for you’; I can’t help it. If you keep yelling at me, what am I supposed to do? For I have not matured to your liking. I only exceed your standards, and my mother’s standards, in art. Something they seem to never get over. I start overthinking things. I grow anxiety. My head starts to throb and my hands begin to tremble so much. I feel so sick, I might throw up. The idea of multiple tests this week doesn’t help. I sit in the bathroom, silent. If I am caught, I am beat. I am lectured. They will ask me: ‘whats the matter? Why are you so sick?’, as if they are clueless that they are the main cause. I grow weak at the thought of the future, the past, and the present. ‘This could have been worse’; I comfort myself. This isn’t the worst, but it’s not the best. Tears slowly roll down my face at the memory of all the people I have lost. I’m sorry. Everything I’ve done. Every sin I’ve committed to have gotten where I am today. I’m so sorry, everyone. I deserve this. Don’t I? My lack of rationality grows my thoughts to believe in your lies. Am I just in denial? At this point, I’m stuck in here for 3 hours. I’m too scared to leave, but too scared to stay. I close my eyes and hope everything will go away. I hope everything is merely just a dream, I just need to wake up. Wake up, or you will die. Fuck. Why me? I sob silently, watching my volume as I can lightly hear the footsteps of my family emerge from the hallway. I feel so sick.”

“After another hour or so, I leave carefully. It’s midnight. They are all asleep at this point, and I am spared for another day. I immediately retreat to my room in a silent run, which slightly makes the nauseated feeling return. My pace slows as I walk to my bed, flopping down. My hand immediately reaches for my phone, an instinct. I feel something dripping from my mouth, and I carefully run my hand over it. Blood. Or so, I suppose it is. It tastes like it at least, but it’s too dark to tell. I ignore that and change my glance to my phone, going to Tumblr. My hands still tremble and my eyes are dry. The nauseated feeling slips in and out: irritating yet worrying. I scroll, looking at more art. I force a light smile to myself, and my jaw aches. It leaves after a few seconds. ‘Is this my last resort?’; Do I have to do this? This will only cause me more overwork, stress and anxiety. I exit the reblog. I am sorry, but my body still aches with the need for drawing more, making up perfect animation and drawing ideas in my head. This needs to stop. No. Please. This can’t be it. I can’t draw anymore, but my body refuses. My mind races with the thought of all my requests I have not finished, silently apologizing to the users.”

“…I can’t do this anymore.”

“I need to stop. I need to take a break. I can’t continue this continuous cycle of self-torment. If I do, I’ll become depressed. If I do, I’ll distance myself further from my friends.”

-

Thank you all. I appreciate your support and words of encouragement, and I know this may be a bit excessive, but I felt like releasing my emotions into a piece of text, even at the risk my mom may see this. I apologize if I have not finished your art requests. I am not taking a break, and I will continue making art (I’m sure you little shits are gonna be happy about that, huh, you guys who only care about my art). But I will not be as active, for school is still occurring. I have a break for a week next week, so I’ll try and make more art then. I just want you all to be happy, I’m sorry. I know this is a bit of a 180 from how I was earlier, but I gotta cope. My parents are arguing again (fml). XOXO.

[marciaillust]

I added some colours to her :)

[tamberrio]

Chat am I cooking

[octopuspot]

I am not immune to his cutie beam 😔

[sokkas-therapist]

Plot twist, Sokka and Zuko actually get together because there’s a spider in Sokka’s room so he absolutely can not go back in there now, the whole room needs to be burnt down. Now he has to sleep in Zuko’s room. With him. In his bed even. There is no other option.

There absolutely are other options

[sketchy-tour]

🎵When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that a Mori~ 🎶

Oc is @kawaiialeisha 's!

[borgialucrezia]

cesare and juan were never slick once in their lives...

[chillinglikeashilling]

I do think that it's important for Evan to understand that just because his friend don't express it in the way he does (or desperately tries not to) it doesn't mean that they don't love and miss him just as much as he misses them.

Evan said that he learned after love (his friends) came into his life, that the rest of life is still very much a thing you have to deal with and now he's seen someone dealing with it.

Jammer loves the Pilot Program and he loves his mom and sisters and all of the other teams he's part of, but the logistics of life get in the way of that. So he's thinking of ways to change his life to accommodate that love.

Now Jammer doesn't handle that perfectly because no one does really (god I want to see the convo in the next episode so bad) but he's acknowledged the problem and then moved towards fixing it.

I understand why Evan is the way he is but I do think that (for perfectly understandable reasons) he can be very unaware of the others feelings and motivations. In the same way he was doing a disservice to Sam, he's doing the same disservice to Jammer by deciding on his own that they are being 'kind' rather than 'loving'.

Jammer obviously isn't coming at the thing with the same intesity as Evan is but they both have the same silly day dream of just getting to be with their loved ones forever. That's a very understandable, very common want.

[xxplastic-cubexx]

need a hardened respectful fujo to sit down with james mcavoy and discuss cherik with him insteada this peanut gallery cause if i have to hear people laugh about a gay ship one more time i just might eat rocks

[lillastarr]

i’ve trapped him in my math notes

[dennisboobs]

Wish · My Violent Heart · The Becoming · Please · Closer · Down In It · 1,000,000 · Starfuckers Inc. · Right Where It Belongs

Dennis + Nine Inch Nails // souls & holes

[coulsonlives]

"Trump, as most of us know, is the credited author of “The Art of the Deal,” a book that was actually ghost written by a man named Tony Schwartz, who was given access to Trump and wrote based upon his observations. If you’ve read The Art of the Deal, or if you’ve followed Trump lately, you’ll know, even if you didn’t know the label, that he sees all dealmaking as what we call “distributive bargaining.”

Distributive bargaining always has a winner and a loser. It happens when there is a fixed quantity of something and two sides are fighting over how it gets distributed. Think of it as a pie and you’re fighting over who gets how many pieces. In Trump’s world, the bargaining was for a building, or for construction work, or subcontractors. He perceives a successful bargain as one in which there is a winner and a loser, so if he pays less than the seller wants, he wins. The more he saves the more he wins.

The other type of bargaining is called integrative bargaining. In integrative bargaining the two sides don’t have a complete conflict of interest, and it is possible to reach mutually beneficial agreements. Think of it, not a single pie to be divided by two hungry people, but as a baker and a caterer negotiating over how many pies will be baked at what prices, and the nature of their ongoing relationship after this one gig is over.

The problem with Trump is that he sees only distributive bargaining in an international world that requires integrative bargaining. He can raise tariffs, but so can other countries. He can’t demand they not respond. There is no defined end to the negotiation and there is no simple winner and loser. There are always more pies to be baked. Further, negotiations aren’t binary. China’s choices aren’t (a) buy soybeans from US farmers, or (b) don’t buy soybeans. They can also (c) buy soybeans from Russia, or Argentina, or Brazil, or Canada, etc. That completely strips the distributive bargainer of his power to win or lose, to control the negotiation.

One of the risks of distributive bargaining is bad will. In a one-time distributive bargain, e.g. negotiating with the cabinet maker in your casino about whether you’re going to pay his whole bill or demand a discount, you don’t have to worry about your ongoing credibility or the next deal. If you do that to the cabinet maker, you can bet he won’t agree to do the cabinets in your next casino, and you’re going to have to find another cabinet maker.

There isn’t another Canada.

So when you approach international negotiation, in a world as complex as ours, with integrated economies and multiple buyers and sellers, you simply must approach them through integrative bargaining. If you attempt distributive bargaining, success is impossible. And we see that already.

Trump has raised tariffs on China. China responded, in addition to raising tariffs on US goods, by dropping all its soybean orders from the US and buying them from Russia. The effect is not only to cause tremendous harm to US farmers, but also to increase Russian revenue, making Russia less susceptible to sanctions and boycotts, increasing its economic and political power in the world, and reducing ours. Trump saw steel and aluminum and thought it would be an easy win, BECAUSE HE SAW ONLY STEEL AND ALUMINUM - HE SEES EVERY NEGOTIATION AS DISTRIBUTIVE. China saw it as integrative, and integrated Russia and its soybean purchase orders into a far more complex negotiation ecosystem.

Trump has the same weakness politically. For every winner there must be a loser. And that’s just not how politics works, not over the long run.

For people who study negotiations, this is incredibly basic stuff, negotiations 101, definitions you learn before you even start talking about styles and tactics. And here’s another huge problem for us.

Trump is utterly convinced that his experience in a closely held real estate company has prepared him to run a nation, and therefore he rejects the advice of people who spent entire careers studying the nuances of international negotiations and diplomacy. But the leaders on the other side of the table have not eschewed expertise, they have embraced it. And that means they look at Trump and, given his very limited tool chest and his blindly distributive understanding of negotiation, they know exactly what he is going to do and exactly how to respond to it.

From a professional negotiation point of view, Trump isn’t even bringing checkers to a chess match. He’s bringing a quarter that he insists of flipping for heads or tails, while everybody else is studying the chess board to decide whether its better to open with Najdorf or Grünfeld."

— David Honig

[otomedomme]

A lot of the twitter Sylus girlies are only mad about Caleb because Sylus isn't brand new anymore like there's legit criticism to be had about his lack of red and purple stellacrum cards but a lot of the comments just ain't it

I'm a Sylus girlie who's had a neutral option on Caleb since I started playing but I get second hand embarrassed by the shitstorm on twitter

Cause they childish Anon. Sylus doesn't just attract "the girls who want security" or "the girls who are deep and sensual" he attracts the girls who grew up crushing on Edgelords like Sasuke and Jeff the Killer, went through a "I'm not like other girls" phase and think they're so cool and edgy now because there's a man programmed to like their try hard vapid asses who would still be too insecure for him if he was real.

He attracts the girls who unironically read "After" or read "Slave y/n x Mafia" fanfics and think those are deep love stories.

They're like the Astarion girlies who ascend him for the "dark edgy fanfic-y" side of him- They don't actually like Sylus they like what he represents for their mundane asses and the dark Wattpad fanfics they're already writing in their heads.

Legit that's what it boils down to "My baby Sylus isn't getting attention anymore!!! 😭😿" <- That's them because they're so insecure they don't think their man will be just fine. AND they're likely the ones who are ungrateful as shit for new content because they never got told no in their life and probably also project that on Sylus because they want him for his money too (it's funny actually-)

I literally agree with you on the Stellacrum thing: Sylus has A LOT of pink green and blue cards that make him fit nowhere when working with him and frankly I think there's stuff to talk about with him but tearing down Caleb ain't it.

Like you said it makes the Sylus girlies group look cringey and like they're the problematic side which shouldn't be happening since the LnDS fandom should be a fun space for everyone.

[chamoemileclown]

Where do you find the time to watch all these people play minceraft….

at the start of this blog it was a lot easier to do because i was unemployed but now the minecraft people lift the burdens of working as a barista so i budget it into my schedule

[aaeeart]

I don't know how to draw him

[aromacaque]

you want to analyze a cartoon that is something children can watch? ok here's the first and most important lesson ever.

have you ever heard of "suspension of disbelief?"

ok. next step. do you know what an unreliable narrator is and can you separate the character's perspective and opinions from the writers? because i promise you that the beliefs of the main character do not always reflect the writers and the point of analyzing media is to dissect that.