#think it might be some sort of undiagnosed something idk

[chamoemileclown]

Where do you find the time to watch all these people play minceraft….

at the start of this blog it was a lot easier to do because i was unemployed but now the minecraft people lift the burdens of working as a barista so i budget it into my schedule

[ersatz-introspective]

one thing that i've found interesting about narc abuse truthers, is that they very often claim a narcissist won't ever have the capability or self-awareness to search within themselves and understand something's wrong, because they're so full of themselves or they don't want to do the work

while simultaneously demonising the disorder and making it even harder for people to be comfortable with that sort of introspection?

i think in general, our society is really weird about vanity and confidence. you must be confident and have some ego, but if you give yourself too much a pat on the back, even if you're not being toxic about it, it's seen as strange, almost. maybe too much. especially if you don't frame it in some humble way, like "i think i did this well" or "i tried to look good"

most characters portrayed as disagreeable in media have some sort of ego and aren't humble about it, a lot of protagonists are either humble about it or have lower ego, or use it in charismatic quips.

so when someone hears "narcissistic" in "narcissistic personality disorder," there's automatically that "oh, the vanity" type of disgust— even without hearing about "narc abuse" and the like

that being said, who would want to be associated with that on it's own? that pool shrinks even more when most sites online have a very ableist general opinion on npd, or have multitudes of posts about "narc abuse"

if someone turned around and called a self-proclaimed empath a narcissist, would they like it? no? if someone turned around and called your average joe who isn't chronically online a narcissist, would they like it? no? what makes you think someone with undiagnosed npd would like it, especially when that actively makes them look like a worse person?

maybe if you changed the way you spoke about npd and stopped clogging google with narc abuse falsing, more people with npd would be less averse to looking into the possibility they may have it

even in their own ableist worldview, they are part of the problem they're talking about

oh also generally speaking i do think it should be normalised for egotypicals to not need to be modest about something they're super proud of. i feel like that's a good first step that'll just help everybody anyways.

cut for my personal experience. not that i feel uncomfortable sharing it, i don't, i just feel like i've already said what i wanted to say. some people may find this relatable though idk

npd was really difficult for me to consider because of this. i'd done so many hours of research and even then it took me a long time to be able to say this, not to mention even talking about it openly. although i was exposed to pro "scary" mental health conditions stuff before the ableist stuff online (by some miracle), i still did see the ableist stuff. although i knew it was all wrong, i couldn't help but shake the unconscious conclusion that "if i'm not this, then i'm better." i knew what others thought of npd, so my imaginary way of getting on people's good sides was to simply not have it. thats how i'd gain the admiration of others, even if realistically they'd never know this

even after i came to the conclusion "oh jeez i probably have this" — after multiple years of it impeding every aspect of my life in both positive and horribly negative ways — i couldn't bare the thought that i'd be marked until the day i die. i'll have this, until my brain becomes food for the earth. i have this bug, that no matter what, i can't scrape away. and what made it worse (better?), is that the bug was simultaneously saying "oh hell yeah now i'm more interesting and cooler than anyone else in this room !!"

i'm going to be a bad person forever, when i wanted to be admired by everyone. it doesn't matter what sort of way i act, because this is in my closet, i'm just a bad person (Rhetorical)

and now that i have accepted i might have this, i can't even get help for it after reading all the horror stories !!! so like...what now ? what do the narc abuse truthers reasonably expect me to do .

[mastermatoyas]

Not gonna @ the person who said this because they had some good points otherwise but.

Idk in my experience the "gifted kid" label (or just, the "huh that kid is somewhat smart" label) basically only functioned as a big glowing neon sign to tell the other kids who to bully. Like I promise that I was never under any illusion of being remotely cool. I knew being "smart" was a bad thing. It made the other kids hate me no matter what I did, and it meant that adults expected me to be mature and obedient no matter what, and lost their patience very quickly whenever I happened to act my age.

I'm also not even smart. I'm just autistic. Same as most kids that get that label, honestly.

Like, yeah! It sucks when adults expect you to amount to nothing! It also sucks to be deliberately isolated from your peers and made into a target for their aggression!

Especially if you have some other major glaring flaws that they can pick on. You know. Like most neurodivergent kids. It was made clear to me that I was only good for my brains - that I was ugly, and clumsy, and unlikeable, and my only redeeming feature as a human being was that I might someday do a computer or something. I felt like I was a different species to everyone around me. I felt like I was some sort of horrible monster or alien. When people told me "wow, you're so smart!" it started to feel like what they were really saying was "wow, I cannot relate to you and you have no redeeming features, but I've decided to commit to saying something good about this disgusting child anyway because I don't want to be a dick!"

So like, yeah. If you were told that you were stupid growing up, I'm sorry. That is probably worse than being a gifted kid. At least numerically, being told that you have no redeeming features seems worse than being told you have exactly one.

But like, if you're going to criticise people for being hurt by something you think isn't all that bad, at least understand what it *is* that you're criticising. Being a "smart kid" was not, in my experience, a position with any sort of social clout, except *maybe* with teachers. It just makes you a designated target for your peers, who are already hungry for blood due to the school environment being a breeding ground for that kind of thing. "Teacher's pet" is, funnily enough, not a particularly high position in the social hierarchy. All it means is that adults will lie to you and be extremely disappointed if you act up like a normal kid, and the other kids around you will systemically destroy any semblance of self esteem you have, because the tall poppy must be not only cut but incinerated.

And the thing that you're being singled out for is probably, like, undiagnosed autism. What's new fuckers.

[vera-keller]

Hey I saw that your ships are open and was wondering if I could request one?

I have short dark brown hair and brown eyes. I have pearl earrings currently. I am 5'6. I am also ftm and gay. He/him pronouns

I am currently learning German and Ukrainian. I play the cello (I would say that I'm pretty decent at it). I want to join the paratroopers soon and maybe get a doctorate degree in the medical field. I like writing books, reading, and drawing. I am very interested in history, mainly the 20th century. I also know how to cross-country ski and love the winter.

My MBTI type if I remember correctly is INTJ. I love procrastinating and do well under a lot of pressure. I'm also very stubborn and awkward with talking to people so I don't have many close friends. For some reason, I have a sort of knack for doing things well, even if it's the first time I've tried it and that might be because I listen really closely to stuff to make sure I'm doing everything correctly. I need a straightforward path and a list of things I should do to get something done.

I have depression, anxiety and maybe (I say maybe because it's undiagnosed) maladaptive daydreaming, which basically means I daydream too much that it's a problem. Any small words of affection or reassurance sends me through the roof and makes me happy for the rest of the day (idk why). I also get angry very quickly and forget things quickly.

I am converting to Judaism so that’s cool. My sense of clothing style is just me pretending I’m in the military, pleather jackets, heavy jackets that are either camo or dark green, aviator sunglasses, a lot of neutral colours, fancy dress shirts/blouses, combat boots (which I currently do not own so just tennis shoes or winter boots), I have a few BoB pins which I have created on my own :) I like wearing t-shirts in winter under my jacket just because. The t-shirts usually have designs like aeroplanes, space, and museum shirts. I also have a collection of shirts from places I’ve never been cause I think it’s hilarious. I do a lot of things just cuz I think they’re funny.

I keep a lot of stuff in my pockets “just in case”. I impulse buy, which is a big insecurity of mine. People intimidate me easily so I usually wait to get approached to start a conversation. I like watching adventure shows like extinct or alive or expedition unknown.

 I would say that I have a very dark sense of humour and am almost always sarcastic when talking to my friends (also I love irony). I have an interesting music taste, most any song I listen to goes onto my liked songs on Spotify heh. I sometimes slip into a British accent or one that isn’t mine at all. I also tend to get myself injured at least once daily and now it’s a running joke with my friends.

I don’t really know much about romance, but I try. I don’t like that much physical affection but I do like praise, as I said before, and gifts. I love giving gifts to people.

Thank you!!

hey mister anon i was wondering whether you've been introduced to carwood lipton yet?

that's him looking at you up close to make sure you're real because christ on a cracker you're perfect.

this old boy earned his chevrons as first sergeant of easy company for a good reason. he gets into friendly campus tour guide mode every time he hears someone express interest in joining the paratroopers and he's a seasoned nco at this point, so he's pretty good at telling those who are genuinely committed to seeing through their interest apart from those who blouse their trousers over their boots just because they can. you fall into the former category. that's already one point in his books.

being off to a great start already, the other points come soon enough, quicker than he can count them. as genuinely excited as he is for the possibility that one day soon enough you'll be part of easy company, standing in perfect rank and file with the rest of his comrades-in-arms at camp toccoa after warming up for pt, he almost dreads the day you'll have to set your own clothes aside in favour of the paratroopers' standardised uniform because the way you dress is utterly striking to him. the image of you in your clearly military-inspired getup, your silhouette clean-cut and dashing in the way he imagines only gary cooper or errol flynn or someone worlds away from him can pull off, is burned into his mind as though by firebrand. both the initial sight of it and every time he then proceeds to reconstruct it in his mind following your first meeting bring forth a foreign sensation without a name or shape. it comes in like a tide, washes over him, pulls him under.

he knows he can never dress like you. he doesn't think he can pull it off, but by god do you make a good case for every outfit you put together. the aviators? yum. maybe lip does appreciate a man who knows how to dress himself.

your chemistry and compatibility become palpable facts the more time you spend together. lip is a meticulous planner who relies on structure to get things done. he plans down to to the minute. and he's always been a little in awe of the genius types who can seemingly be on hiatus for days and then get all the work accumulated throughout that time done to an incredulously high standard within hours of it all being due. you're a dark horse, a prodigy, who embodies this archetype right down to your bones. he doesn't resent you for it in the slightest, as you might initially suspect someone with his style of work ethic might do. he finds it an absolute phenomenon to watch and will never even think about asking you to change the habits of yours which fascinate him so endlessly. if you pull an all-nighter, he'll almost certainly go boil the kettle and make you a hot drink. he reads your writing with pleasure and often asks if he can help with organising any notes you might take from your historical research. he makes it a point to research judaism on his own when he learns you're converting. every now and then he worries for your wellbeing, worries that you're pushing yourself too much, but along with his worries comes resolve that he'll be there to catch you if you burn out. having figured out your communication style and working habits fairly early on in your acquaintanceship, he's more than happy to provide you with that straightforward past and to-do list that will allow you to exercise your efficiency to the maximum.

and, in recognition of your brilliance, he asks you to teach him german while you study the language yourself, considering it would be a practical second language to know and everything, given the circumstances. ukrainian is a smidge more difficult for him to master. he intends on making a proper start on it later, perhaps when the war is over. when he asks you good-naturedly whether you'll find some time to teach him then, you understand that it's another way of asking you to stay in contact after europe.

lip is the human embodiment of a packet of twinings superblends tea. his very presence is grounding. he reads your body language, memorises it like code, knows it by heart, by instinct. those big arms of his? yeah, he lifts. your fucking spirits up! he's your number one fan and he's not at all obnoxious about it. when you bend down at the table in the mess hall to pick up some dropped item on the floor, his hand – without him even thinking about it – goes to cover the corner of the table so you don't hit your head on your way back up. he calms your moments of acute frustration with that steadiness of his that you find yourself thinking of more and more even when he isn't there. when your mind begins to take you elsewhere into a daydream that threatens to keep you captive, he alone detects the almost imperceptible changes in your face and brings you back to reality with a gentle and non-intrusive touch. he has a soothing way about him that only serves to elevate 1.) his command abilities in the field and 2.) his ability to connect with you. he gets in all the places you don't expect, finding honesty and vulnerability behind the stubbornness. talking to him is easy because he expects nothing of you and does not hold you to judgement. he's familiar with you and accepts you, and you have nothing to prove to him. that's how it always will be. he makes that clear to you.

perhaps it's the way he always tells you "well done" or "good job" or "you did great", the act of acknowledging and praising you coming easy to him. he is reserved but tender this way, gilding each of your days with reassurance without going overboard with declarations of love and devotion that he's never been particularly good at. perhaps it's the way that, despite his occasional awkwardness with verbalising his deeper feelings, he refuses to be vague about the fact that he cares for you. but falling in love with carwood lipton is natural and slow-seeping, like water into sand, like coming home at the end of a long day.

and, to him, falling in love with you does not come as a surprise at all.

if we're going era-appropriate, then heteronormativity and its associated ugly side are rife in the 40s but lip cannot give two hoots about any of that. he loves who he loves, and either way it's nobody else's business but his own (and the beloved in question). perhaps he might put it in the sense that he falls for a soul and not a gender. so who you are now, who you were before, all of that is you, and he loves you, every single iteration of you that has led up to the man standing in front of him today. he never wavers on this. but – just because of the times you and he live in – he knows the importance of discretion and boundaries. there are subjects that he will only broach with you if you let him, information that he will only seek out if you choose to share it with him first. he's also smart enough to know not to let any of this on in public, but he promises you one night when you're lying next to him, your head on his chest, that the two of you will someday live in a world that will look upon your love with clear eyes.

but if we're not going era-appropriate because fuck that angst and fuck homophobia, then lip shows his love for you in the most gentlest of forms, little gestures imbued with his feelings for you. pda as a concept doesn't really exist to him. he's not a touchy person either and his affection never breaches boundaries in public or in private, but it is never withheld for even a moment should you want it.

and, of course, it is no question that your sense of humour just. straight up fucking baffles him. one might call you various things: the "archbishop of banterbury", an "absolute madlad" or a "menace" are just a few of the many different options available to choose from, and lip is honestly just out here smiling uncontrollably in spite of himself at your antics and right about here is when you get presented with a medal for making the mom friend break character in his complete amusement. besides, even he must admit that "clifford" is most fun to say in a british accent.

he keeps the gifts you give him with him, on his person if possible, but if not then in his footlocker, along with other precious mementos from your relationship. he looks at them often but what he sees in his mind's eye is the two of you, after the war, making a home for yourselves together.

first sergeant lipton is very much in love with you and he's a man who loves without reservation. congrats mister anon! this is the good ending. if y'all want to go ahead and adopt me i'm not saying no

[can-of-pringles]

Ok so I know I have some sort of undiagnosed joint problems (runs in my family) maybe connective tissue disorder idk? (Also let me say CMT or Charcot Marie Tooth runs in my family on my mom's side)

My list of symptoms under the cut

I'm open to advice and stuff plz

My problems happen every day, for at least since I was 13 but my memory isn't too good about that.

I already have joint problems technically because of my messed up jaw so maybe it isn't too far of a stretch to believe that I have similar problems elsewhere

When I lean on one side when I'm standing (doesn't matter which side) it kinda hurts? Like it's a bit uncomfortable but the main thing is when I stop leaning, I get this sort of shooting pain through my leg up to my hip and it wears off in a little bit. The longer I stand leaning the more it aches.

I timed how long it takes me to feel any sort of pain or discomfort when I lean and it only took going a minute and a half before noticing it.

My hip pops. It pops when I try to get up and slightly turn. My mom said that used to happen to her when she was my age. Also my knees pop constantly. A lot of my joints pop.

I don't like to stand for too long or it becomes uncomfortable.

There also might be a thing with my knees but I'm unsure.

When I do finally sit down after standing for too long it's hard to describe but i kinda get a relief ache thing? Like if I was just extra working physically or something but I hadn't been.

If I walk in my carpeted living room, no shoes, for thirty minutes (timed) afterwards my ankles and around that area hurt badly. I was originally doing this walking thing to sort of exercise but had to stop because of how bad the pain was.

It's mostly my lower body, though I think my shoulders pop too, can your collarbone pop? Because something in that area pops when I try to do pushups

I got sprains kinda often as a kid. My mom also did the same thing but more often. She still gets sprains sometimes. She has weak ankles.

I did a online hypermobility test once just in case but I'm not sure I qualified for any of it.

Ok I checked and definitely my right side hurts more than my left.

[bellewintersroe]

I saw that your ships are open and was wondering if I could request one?

I have short dark brown hair and brown eyes. I am 5'6. I am also ftm.

I am currently learning German and Ukrainian. I play the cello (I would say that I'm pretty decent at it). I want to join the paratroopers soon and maybe get a doctorate degree in the medical field. I like writing books, reading, and drawing. I am very interested in history mainly the 20th century. I also know how to cross-country ski and love the winter.

My MBTI type if I remember correctly is INTJ. I love procrastinating and do well under a lot of pressure. I'm also very stubborn and awkward with talking to people so I don't have many close friends. For some reason, I have a sort of knack for doing things well, even if it's the first time I've tried it and that might be because I listen really closely to stuff to make sure I'm doing everything correctly. I need a straightforward path and a list of things I should do to get something done.

I have depression, anxiety and maybe (I say maybe because it's undiagnosed) maladaptive daydreaming, which basically means I daydream too much that it's a problem. Any small words of affection or reassurance sends me through the roof and makes me happy for the rest of the day (idk why). That's all I can think of for now.

hey! Hope you’re doing good, thank you for your request!! I have read your other message too, I’m going to integrate it into this post!

I ship you with… Lewis Nixon!

Okay first of all, the fact you both have brown hair and brown eyes is so aesthetically pleasing to me? I feel like as a couple your looks would just literally look so good together. Like you just look like a perfect match?!

Lewis brought up travelling the world and attending Yale University means he’s a clearly educated man? So when he meets you it’s literally his perfect match, the fact you’re so talented in so many different areas is almost bizarre to him?!

like you can play instruments, you strive to be a paratrooper, and getting a whole doctorate degree?! Nix would literally be in shock? Of course proud is an underestimate. I feel he’d be a super supportive boyfriend?

let’s say you were stressed out one day because of work or education, I feel like he’s the type to come up and rub your shoulders and offer you a massage, to take you out for dinner, literally spoil you to elevate some of your stress?

The two of you would 1000% read books together? Like one of you would have your head in each others lap, or you'd share the same pillow even if you were in a queen sized bed?? I think Lewis would thrive from just being physically close to you.

take this man skiing. Please. It would 100% go one way or the other, hed fucking ace it or wouldn’t even try it because he knew he’d make a fool of himself. I feel like watching you ski so effortlessly would intimidate him into just sitting in the ski bars drinking whisky and watching you??

Oh he admired you and you’re endless talents.

I feel like being a more quieter and thoughtful person, Lewis would approach you first. In my mind it would be as simple as he found you attractive and struck up a conversation with you?

he’d tell you pretty quickly his feelings for you and omg I really really fancy this man. He’d want to take such good care of you, and I feel like he’d try bring you out of your shell almost?

only if you were comfortable with that of course. Lewis couldn’t stand seeing you hurt or the slightest bit worried by something he’d done.

the fact that you’re so good at almost everything you do?! Lewis is stunned, he’s amazed beyond belief. Not only is he super fucking attracted to you, but his jaw is constantly dropped by your effort in everything you do?

he’d definitely just come up behind you and wrap an arm around your front and pull you close. I think Lewis would be great at reassurance and words of affirmation, he’s a straight talking, honest man.

you have no room for overthinking, and if he needs you to do something for him??? I don’t think he’ll sugarcoat it, the two of you are so alike I feel like he just doesn’t even need to try?

he’s so effortlessly understanding surrounding you and your feelings. If you feel your anxiety and depression flaring up don’t hesitate to speak to him about it.

need anything? Ask him? Worried about something to do with him? Tell him. Lewis couldn’t stand the thought of you in that way.

And if there’s nothing he could physically do to help??? This man would 1000% stay in bed with you all day and tender to your every need. He would be so fucking gentle and warm- dhifoeifhdisoeoirbr

You owning shirts of country’s you hadn’t been to is so funny to Lewis.

however every time you put on a new shirt, Lewis is like “been there, hated it there, that’s not somewhere that should be printed onto a shirt”.

seriously, where hasn’t he been???

the man would love to take you travelling, he’d definitely want to spoil you rotten in each and every country on the globe.

Your similar style with Lewis means you could share your wardrobe.

often you’d lose your aviation sunglasses for hours?! Sometimes days? And then he’d rock up wearing them. I suppose you couldn’t complain because you just know he’d look so good.

And if your transition is when you’re with Lewis, he’s support your every single step. As long as you were happy and comfortable he felt he could give you his utter love and support.

platonically, I match you with… Eugene Roe!

Okay I feel like this friendship would come about further into the war? Let’s pretend you were out there together.

eugene, constantly looking out for everybody would recognise you were a little quiet. The man has been through some tough experiences himself, so he felt he could resonate with you?

there was no awkwardness between you both, I suppose in a way he’d be easy to open up to. He’d 100% provide reassurance and just the small little nice things you’d need to keep you feeling a little more positive each day.

I think the friendship would be so so healthy, neither of you trauma dumped on each other, but you just naturally understood one another?

the fact you both work so well under pressure just screams excellent team work. Eugene maybe recognises your lack of close friendships, and besides his worry of growing close to people, he just knew he wanted to be around to and ensure you were okay?

I suppose in a way the friendship is built on trust and a mutual respect, Gene would feel safe around you, more so than anybody else in the company.

I truly think the two of you would make a wholesome pairing.

[artificialcaretaker]

“Surprisingly, not all of it was due to circumstances. A part of his madness was entirely hereditary. In fact, Vaas wasn’t the only one with the curse.”

[Note that I start rambling like a madman under the cut so maybe skip that if you don’t wanna read about my elaborate headcanons idk.

[Little known fact about me, I love sopping wet pathetic women. Or, at the very least, incredibly unwell women. This particular taste of mine is in no way implying that I am apologizing for any horrible actions a character might have committed, rather it just reveals one side as to how they actually got to those actions.

So, I know that it’s semi-canonical that Vaas was pretty well off for himself before The Incident, but like. I harbor the headcanon that he was definitely still mentally ill earlier in life, but at that particular point if actually action was taken to help him then he legitimately could have grown into a decent human being. I also harbor the headcanon that part of his ambiguous condition was entirely genetic. I feel like there was always something “off” about him. Violent outbursts continuing onto an age where it could no longer be considered a childish temper, a refusal to listen to rules, biting nails to the point of bleeding etc. etc. that kid was WEIRD.

But Citra, I feel, was also severely ill, but she never used such an expressive sort of outlet as a cry for help. While I am in no way saying that undiagnosed mental illness leads to predatory behavior I feel like some of the ways she treated Vaas throughout their life was, in part, a way for her to feel in control of at least one thing in life. I feel like after The Incident, things got worse for her. I think she rationalized that Vaas’ spiral into madness was some divine punishment for betraying her, but also that logic was slightly flawed in the fact that she also felt like she was spiraling. And then it hit her, this was her punishment too. It was hers because she messed up. She let him get away. She didn’t prepare him enough she didn’t raise him right she didn’t keep him calm she didn’t keep him isolated she didn’t kill him she couldn’t kill him. So, now, things have to go as smoothly as possible. There can be absolutely no mistakes this time. If she gets this right, if everything goes exactly according to plan, this will all be over and she can be normal. She is absolutely positive on this idea.

But yea no I don’t have any specific headcanon for anything she has, however part of me wants to say OCD among other things but to be frank I don’t know too much about things that I don’t have so I don’t wanna Rose Lalonde this too much. All in all, if the MonteLugmais got therapy early on in childhood a good half of the game would not have happened.

[ithinkabouttzu]

Hey I was wondering if I could get a Band of Brothers male ship? Thanks :)

I have short dark brown hair and brown eyes. I have pearl earrings currently. I am 5'6. I am also ftm and gay. He/him pronouns

I am currently learning German and Ukrainian. I play the cello (I would say that I'm pretty decent at it). I want to join the paratroopers soon and maybe get a doctorate degree in the medical field. I like writing books, reading, and drawing. I am very interested in history, mainly the 20th century. I also know how to cross-country ski and love the winter.

My MBTI type if I remember correctly is INTJ. I love procrastinating and do well under a lot of pressure. I'm also very stubborn and awkward with talking to people so I don't have many close friends. For some reason, I have a sort of knack for doing things well, even if it's the first time I've tried it and that might be because I listen really closely to stuff to make sure I'm doing everything correctly. I need a straightforward path and a list of things I should do to get something done.

I have depression, anxiety and maybe (I say maybe because it's undiagnosed) maladaptive daydreaming, which basically means I daydream too much that it's a problem. Any small words of affection or reassurance sends me through the roof and makes me happy for the rest of the day (idk why). I also get angry very quickly and forget things quickly.

I am converting to Judaism so that’s cool. My sense of clothing style is just me pretending I’m in the military, pleather jackets, heavy jackets that are either camo or dark green, aviator sunglasses, a lot of neutral colours, fancy dress shirts/blouses, combat boots (which I currently do not own so just tennis shoes or winter boots), I have a few BoB pins which I have created on my own :) I like wearing t-shirts in winter under my jacket just because. The t-shirts usually have designs like aeroplanes, space, and museum shirts. I also have a collection of shirts from places I’ve never been cause I think it’s hilarious. I do a lot of things just cuz I think they’re funny.

I keep a lot of stuff in my pockets “just in case”. I impulse buy, which is a big insecurity of mine. People intimidate me easily so I usually wait to get approached to start a conversation. I like watching adventure shows like extinct or alive or expedition unknown.

 I would say that I have a very dark sense of humour and am almost always sarcastic when talking to my friends (also I love irony). I have an interesting music taste, most any song I listen to goes onto my liked songs on Spotify heh. I sometimes slip into a British accent or one that isn’t mine at all. I also tend to get myself injured at least once daily and now it’s a running joke with my friends.

I don’t really know much about romance, but I try. I don’t like that much physical affection but I do like praise, as I said before, and gifts. I love giving gifts to people. <3

Thank you so much for your request! btw you sound so cool like omg let’s be friends bae (Also sorry for the long wait!) 😫💗

I ship you with…

Bull Randleman!

song recommendation: Melting - Kali Uchis

- Okay bestie so hear me out, you and him would just click to me, i just feel like he’s so patient and loving with you it would be so freakin nice omg, and the way you are thoughtful and gentle to him is just so amazing, like this is my otp right here

- he would probably make the first move, you’d look so good that night you guys met he just couldn’t resist not talking to you, he was probably a little nervous at first, but the thought of making a move before him and getting to talk to you made him impulsive make his way towards you

- when getting to know you, he would think you’re so versatile and so smart, he couldn’t help but bring a smile to his face when he hears you talk about all of your ambitions and goals that you’ve set out for yourself.

- And don’t even get me started on how he would be sooo interested on the fact that you’re a writer and just an artist in general, like he just thinks it’s so cool that you can just write something up and it can be like super good, and when you’re drawing don’t be mad when he’s right behind you watching your every move 🤣 like he just wants to see how you can draw so well, like what the heck??

- He knows you like history (he’s an attentive boi) so he would always bringing up watching something that has to do with history maybe something in the smithsonian channel or just a random movie, (as long as you watch his western movies with him after LOL )

- I could def see you guys watching one of those documentaries or movies on the roaring 20s or something else you you like from the 20th century, just a reminder though, that the whole time you try to watch the movie he’s gonna be trying to initiate (if you’re okay with it ofc) a little make out sess in between the movie 🤣

- speaking of tv, let me tell you how you guys would throwdown on some adventure unknown episodes, like both of you would enjoy watching stuff that like so much, before y’all usually go to bed y’all would probably watch something like that every night LOL

- you guys have a very different sense of humor but both of yours honestly go so well together like when you make a dark joke he’ll just be like 😳 at first then start to laugh about it, the one thing that you guys do have, is some good ass sarcasm, like together you guys can be so funny with it actually, like y’all will be in y’all’s own little world while everybody else is like, “what are they laughing at?”

- most the time he tries to be the best support system for you, not matter what, if you need him he’s there rain or shine, even if he sometimes disagrees with what it is you’re doing (if it is he’ll most likely talk to you in private about it but he will always support and defend you in public no matter what) Also let me mention if someone ever hurts you? literally pray for them bc that man is going to END them, like no one hurts his bae EVER.

- When you get angry, it depends, he will usually give you your space to cool off, then you guys can talk about whatever is bothering you, but if you’re more sad angry, he will just sit there and hold you and tell you everything will be alright, he’s one of those people that are like, “what’s made you mad and what can I do to fix it?” If he mad you mad he will of course say sorry to you and at the end of the day you guys always resolve arguments and stuff like that with each other

- to him, your pockets are like the hat in “Cat In The Hat” 🤣 like there is no telling what the heck is in there or what he might find if he puts his hand in there, but it can also come in handy when he needs some change or something like that

- you’re his clumsy bae and whenever you guys are together, he always tries his best to get you to *not* fall or hurt yourself when he’s around. He honestly thinks it’s a little cute at first, just because you’re always going and going, not being careful at all 😭 “Slow down honey, you’re gonna get hurt!” (momma bull activated LMAO)

- he makes SURE to remind you how much he loves and cares about you, he knows that every day isn’t always guaranteed, so he always will show you and tell you how grateful he is to be yours and yours only🥹 (he’s so soft omg i love him)

- your style is so unique to him, like you clothing choice is SUPERIOR to him don’t even get me started, and it’s so funny when he is just going through your closet (don’t ask me why he is, he just is 🤫) and he sees all of these shirts with cities on them, and he’s just like, “you’ve been here before?” and you’re just like “no?” LOLOLOL

- dude he would find it sooo cool that you can speak multiple languages, like maybe even teach him some because i think he would be really interested in it, and when others ask about all of the languages you can speak he’ll just think to himself like, “yeah that’s right, I have a smart bf 😌”

- Okay okay, imagine, you and him have a shared playlist on spotify, and sometimes you guys will play that playlist and just dance around together lovingly, also it’s so funny bc the playlist consists mostly of songs that you put in it, while he has maybe 1/5 of his song recs on there LOL

- he also loves when you give him gifts, he’ll never admit it bc he doesn’t want to seem greedy, but just the thought of you taking time out of your day to buy him something he likes, just thinking of him like that makes his heart absolutely melt

- he knows you can also forget things quite easily so when you guys are about to go somewhere this man comes PREPARED, like one time you guys were going to go to the bowling alley, and when you got there you realized that you forgot socks, dw tho bc he already had an extra pair of socks bc he knew you’d forget them 😭

- canon: you teach bull how to ski (LOL) as we know, this man does not go skiing like ever, i mean he lives in the south so there’s barely ever any snow in the winters (coming from another southerner) but maybe for a vacay you guys go to a ski resort or something like that, and he’s mostly there bc of the jacuzzis bc he does NOT know how to ski at ALL, but you end up showing him how, it was funny at first though because just imagine him, this strong guy, being nervous to ski for the first time LOL

- During the wintertimes just know this man loves to cuddle up to you like a totally snuggle bug, like just know you won’t be cold at ALL because you know this man will keep you warm all through winter.

- but you guys would be SO good for each other like actually, he takes care of you so well and you do the same exact thing for him, ugh this relationship is too cute

Thank you for your request again hon!! I hope you enjoy! 💛💖

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

this is mostly just asking for advice so i don't think any trigger warnings apply. thanks!

because of trauma and i think undiagnosed neurodivergency (or maybe brain damage? i have brain damage but my parents never thought that they should check it out when i was younger so idk much about it) i have this weird thing where unless i see something i often forget it exists. this applies (sadly) to people, but the worst thing is that it impacts my ability to do things.

if i don't see a reminder of tasks then it's like the task doesn't exist. alarms and callendars don't work because i don't remember to check them or when i turn off the alarm i forget after a few minutes what it was for and that it even went off.

i've been struggling with productivity at work (i work online and i feel horrible because i feel like i take too much time to do things and it's doing damage to my self-esteem even though no one at work has said or told me anything. they mostly just leave me alone to do things tbh).

i've been struggling to feed myself and remember to keep my room clean. i keep planning to clean up and improve my living space but i when i have the time it's like my body doesn't listen and won't do it. i hate feeling so useless like this and i don't know why i can't remember to do things and i forget important things so often. i've tried putting a callendar on my wall that i can write things down on so i am forced to look at it but i forget to even look at it or write down things so it doesn't even work :(

do you have any tips or advice? just a few months ago i escaped from my parents and living where i am now has been overwhelming and i feel like im falling apart. i'd rather move back in with them even though i was extremely isolated because at least they'd force some sort of schedule

sorry if this is kinda rambly, hope you have a good day :)

Hi anon,

I relate on so many levels. Personally I still struggle with a lot of this.

It might help to jot down tasks on sticky notes to help remember what you have to do when you set alarms and such. This is an article describing different self-care reminder apps you could try, that can set reminders to "drink water, eat, reach out to friends and more."

Editing to add - you may also find helpful some of what Mod Kat said.

Those are just my suggestions. If anyone else has any ideas, please feel free to comment. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[softguarnere]

Hello! I have a ship request :)

I have short dark brown hair and brown eyes. I am 5'6. I am also ftm and gay.

I am currently learning German and Ukrainian. I play the cello (I would say that I'm pretty decent at it). I want to join the paratroopers soon and maybe get a doctorate degree in the medical field. I like writing books, reading, and drawing. I am very interested in history mainly the 20th century. I also know how to cross-country ski and love the winter.

My MBTI type if I remember correctly is INTJ. I love procrastinating and do well under a lot of pressure. I'm also very stubborn and awkward with talking to people so I don't have many close friends. For some reason, I have a sort of knack for doing things well, even if it's the first time I've tried it and that might be because I listen really closely to stuff to make sure I'm doing everything correctly. I need a straightforward path and a list of things I should do to get something done.

I have depression, anxiety and maybe (I say maybe because it's undiagnosed) maladaptive daydreaming, which basically means I daydream too much that it's a problem. Any small words of affection or reassurance sends me through the roof and makes me happy for the rest of the day (idk why). I also get angry very quickly and forget things quickly.

I am converting to Judaism so that’s cool. My sense of clothing style is just me pretending I’m in the military, pleather jackets, heavy jackets that are either camo or dark green, aviator sunglasses, a lot of neutral colours, fancy dress shirts/blouses, combat boots (which I currently do not own so just tennis shoes or winter boots), I have a few BoB pins which I have created on my own :) I like wearing t-shirts in winter under my jacket just because. The t-shirts usually have designs like aeroplanes, space, and museum shirts. I also have a collection of shirts from places I’ve never been cause I think it’s hilarious.

I keep a lot of stuff in my pockets “just in case”. I impulse buy, which is a big insecurity of mine. People intimidate me easily so I usually wait to get approached to start a conversation. I like watching adventure shows like extinct or alive or expedition unknown.

 I would say that I have a very dark sense of humour and am almost always sarcastic when talking to my friends (also I love irony). I have an interesting music taste, most any song I listen to goes onto my liked songs on Spotify heh. I sometimes slip into a British accent or one that isn’t mine at all.

Take all the time you need to get to this and have a good day :)

Hello dear Anon! Thank you so much for your patience 🥰 this semester has been busy and I really appreciate it!

I ship you with . . .

Skip Muck!

Listen! It's the ✨vibes✨

He's a fun guy! You sound like a fun guy! I just think the whole relationship would be super fun 🤭

You meet in the paratrooper program, for sure

The second that he approaches you, you would just know that the connection between you is something special

Your darker sense of humor with his lighter one would just balance each other out so nicely. Like, you're both having fun and cracking jokes, but they're on completely different ends of the spectrum, which makes it interesting and keeps you guys on your toes

Skip is a very adventurous person, and because you're into so many different things, I feel like every day would be an adventure with you two. Even if you just want to stay at home and read some history books, he would enjoy just spending time with you

Speaking of ✨vibes✨, as someone with ADHD, I feel like Skip probably has it too? (Just me? Okay lol) So since it's hard for him to get past steps in certain tasks, it works really well because you remember details so well. He is so efficient with you around to help him plan things out

For as much as he likes to joke around, he can also be serious. He's a words of affirmation dude, for sure, so when he casually tells you that he loves you or cares about you, you can be sure that he's being genuine 💖

Skip would think that your fashion sense is so cool! Catch him out here stealing your jackets and cool t-shirts (And he'd be cool with it if you wanted to steal his clothes, too)

Since you keep so many things in your pockets, I feel like he would make it a running joke between you two. Waiting until you're out with friends and then asking you for something insanely specific. The rest of Easy is like "there's no way - Oh! Okay, never mind. Wait, how did you fit that in your pocket?"

The laughs you two get out of it would never get old

Thank you for the request, Anon! I hope you like this 💕🕊️

[cherry-gemz]

Healing Hands: Chapter One

Summary: You find yourself abroad in London as the Chief of Pediatrics. Everything has been running smoothly until you are faced with an undiagnosed case and the doctor assigned is anything but willing to face defeat. Will you be able treat the child's unknown disease in time, along while facing uncharted waters with love in the workplace?

Parings: Henry Cavill {Dr. Cavill} x Y/N {F!Reader}

Rating: Overall series 18+ only, Chapter is PG

Word count: 2200 +/-

Tags:  @evansamericanass @meowpurrbooks​ @lilithpaijiee @pterodactylterrace 

A/N: Trying something new at writing Henry fanfic. IDK if it’s any good, but either way wanted to start writing. LMK if you're interested, comments and tags welcomed! 💜

P.S. I am no means in any medical field or sorts, so if I get something incorrect on a term or process, bear with me xo.

----------------------------------------------------

You knew that it was a gamble moving to the UK for the Chief of Pediatrics position. But it was time for a change. You needed to leave Eugene, Oregon. Start fresh. There was too much pain there and you had to get away. So when your cousin, who was a nurse from Brighton informed you that there was a need at her hospital for the highly-visible role, you thought why the hell not? You'd score a free round-trip to England of anything and actually see some family you've never met if it didn't pan out. 

Little did you know that you'd fall in love with London: the weather, the people, the imagery of it all. Oregon weather wasn't all too different, so you acclimated well. It had been a few months of you settling in: understanding more of the language barriers despite it still being English. Knackered, cuppa, trollied. 

That is until you had a run in with the division chief of Pediatrics, Dr. Cavill. The staff adored the renowned and painstakingly handsome doctor. And while you could appreciate the view as well, you never were on the same page with his ideals. His defiant behavior of undermining your direction of the unit was becoming a thorn in your side. 

But this time, this time you'd had enough. He mentioned to a patient's parents, while with the speciality case, the hospital could take on their son's situation as priority and receive around the clock care. You threw down the patient's file on your desk and pinched the bridge of your nose. It was a lost cause, you had looked into the patient ever since you started the role.

The child seemed perfectly healthy and lab tests may show no signs of illness. But the chronic pain and fatigue were unexplainable. You empathized, but the poor child has undergone so many tests that at this point it was about providing facts to the parents. And right now, there was no cause of alarm. You weren’t a Dr. House, this wasn’t television. You didn't have the staff to dive into any research or clinical studies. You had a hospital to run, employees to pay, other lives needed saving. 

You picked up the phone to the case nurse on the pediatric floor. 

"Hello? Yes, this is Dr. Y/LN. Can you please remind Dr. Cavill of our 5pm? He's late. Thank you." 

Slowly hanging up on the phone, you turn back to the patient's file. The boy, Jon Foulger, was just shy of his ninth birthday. No positive results for Lupus or Guillain-Barré syndrome. But This case had been bothering you, poor Jon had been in the hospital for three months and still no progress on a diagnosis. While you were never known to give up on a patient, you knew giving false hope to the parents was detrimental not only to the family, but to the same of the hospital's integrity. You were in a high esteemed role now, you knew that you had to discuss further with Henry on his actions. 

Twenty more minutes passed by and you checked your watch. Fuming, you stood up from your desk and headed down to the pediatric floor by the lift. 

As you briskly walk down the hall corridors you can't wait to give Cavill a piece of your mind. You turn the corner and ram right into a brick wall, or so you thought.  Your hands instinctively pick up and see placed on the doctor's firm chest. You immediately flush and lose composure. 

You knew he was a good-looking man, but this up close and personal was a whole other level. His dark hair and curls were fluffy and good enough to touch. His piercing steel blue eyes looked at yours and made immediate contact. His bone structure made the Michaelangelo's David blush. 

"My apologies, Dr. Y/LN. Didn't see you there," his voice was like butter. 

You straightened out your white coat, "Ahem, yes. Well I seemed to have been lost in thought. My apologies as well."

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, almost an hour ago…" you shifted your weight to stand a bit taller. He towered over you with his muscular frame and height. 

"Patient...Jon Foulger. We must discuss the repercussions of your current actions."

"Jon-Jon," he replied stoic. 

"Excuse me?"

"He likes to be called Jon-Jon."

"Well yes, let's go to my office and discuss further, please Dr. Cavill."

"As you wish," he replied and pivoted his heel to the nearby lift.

The rise up to the 12th floor was a quiet one, awkward overall as you knew you had to give a coaching and hated the notion. You missed practicing medicine; while you enjoyed the administration of your position, the thrill of helping others and using your hands were erased with cases of employee performance reviews, reports, budgets. 

He coughed into his fist and then held his strong hands in place in a clasp. 

He finally broke the silence, "Enjoying London?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Have you had any time to take a holiday?"

"Um, no. Been too busy."

"It might do you some good," he replies as he looks to check his watch. 

You huff, "Somewhere you need to be, Doctor?"

"No, just checking the time."

His arrogance irritated you and now you weren't feeling as badly to give him his coaching. 

The lift opened as you arrived at the floor and he held out the door for you to exit first. You nod and walk to your office, your kitten heels clicked on the hospital's linoleum floor and the sound echoed through your ears. 

As you both enter your office you stride quickly to your desk to assume dominance of the room. 

Henry stood near the doorway, admiring your photos and certificates on the wall. 

"I knew you were American, but Stanford Medical? Interesting, thought you were from Oregon. When will you be returning?" You can't read him if that was a compliment or sarcasm. 

"Dr. Cavill, would you be so kind to shut the door," you state firmly and sit down, ignoring his comment about your return to the states.

His brow peaks and he nods, turning to close the door. 

"Please, have a seat," you say. 

"I'd rather stand, thank you," he replies and you know this is going to be a difficult conversation. 

"Well this will only take a moment then. Your recent behavior with the Foulger family, while I commend you for your dedication, has been slight askew with the hospital's protocols."

"Is that so?" His voice dropped and his brow arched. "In what way, Dr. Y/LN?"

You cough as the drawl of his mouth turns upward and you can swear there's a smug smirk across his face. 

"Well...for one...you've promised around the care of the child. Now simply put, we've exhausted all efforts for a diagnosis and until Jon...Jon-Jon…shows any new symptoms, we are at liberty to provide him comfort care for the remainder of the evening, but he will need to be discharged in the morning. We've exhausted him enough with MRIs, blood tests. I'm at a rock in a hard place, Dr. Cavill."

"The rock or the hard place where you give up on a child's well-being simply because you haven't thought to see him as a person? Rather as a number on your statistical analysis of how functioning this hospital is?"

His eyes pierce through you and make your knees grow weak. The nurse staff usually talks about him being a cuddly bear, always making the children laugh and smile. But this man before you, why he's no cuddly bear. He was a beast of a man. A grizzly in fact. 

"Now see here, I will let you know that this case is very important to me. All the children are. But what you fail to see is that for whatever reason you've gravitated to this particular case, you're chasing something that doesn't exist." 

His broad shoulders and strong neck tense at your words. He blinks methodically, as if he's scoping out his prey. No, don't let his charm and rugged good looks distract you. This is a man who is used to getting what he wants and you are a woman who knows perfectly what to do with that.

"And I believe you're blind, Doctor."

"Excuse me?" Your voice was shrill and short. "This is borderline insubordination. I'd be careful with your next words, Cavill."

"Pardon my frankness, Dr. Y/LN, but I've been here longer and know these patients in and out," his voice raised and you could see the hint of a vein showing on his thick neck. "Some of the children come from very poor and debilitating environments. We can't just cast them off once a diagnosis doesn't stick simply because we need the bed or we're done trying!"

"DR. CAVILL," you exclaim and let out an exasperated sigh. His demeanor changed and his upper lip curved slightly. 

“Dr. Y/LN. With all due respect, I think you’re making the wrong judgement call here. Things are not adding up with Jon-Jon, if we just give it a few more days...I feel like we’re making progress and I’ve labored enough research into it-”

"Again, while I appreciate your passion...”

“Passion which you need to show for the patient-”

You raise your hand to silence him, “This is not up to you, Dr. Cavill. As Chief of Pediatrics, this is my call. We will discharge Jon tomorrow if he does not show any new symptoms. If you disobey any further protocols, I will have no other choice but resort to disciplinary action. Do I make myself clear, Doctor?"

You press your hands on your desk and lean inward, portraying your stance. 

"Perfectly," he responded. 

"And another thing, I -" you start, but he turns and abruptly walks out of your office, leaving your door open. 

The nerve! Did he really just do that? Where does he think he's going? Didn't I just tell him I'd resort to disciplinary action?!

You rush out of your office and you see him striding through the hall. His strong posture, shoulders back eluded to years of boarding school perhaps or military. You noticed his fists were clenched and it gave you slight satisfaction that you chipped away ever so slightly at his ego.

It was going to take a lot more than that to send you packing, you thought. 

----------------

The next day came and went. You had confirmed that Jon-Jon was discharged with the floor nurse and while you were relieved to have handled that quite professionally, you knew it did not bear well with the rest of the staff.

You were still getting your feet wet and learning more about your team. It was solid overall, many years of expertise collectively, but they treated you like the outsider you were. No requests to meet for lunch or drinks after work. No camaraderie birthday cards seeking your signature or date night advice. Just the normal days in and out, pulling many late nights in your office, up to the point of exhaustion. You'd collapse in your double bed after work, stare at the ceiling of the small room you rented from your cousin, Laura, and try to drown out all the bustle of seven people in the same 3 bedroom flat. 

Just like any other day, You sat alone during lunch. But that never really was ever a bother being used to it now. You were excited about an audiobook you were meaning to dive into and right when you were about to use your airpods, that's when you noticed him enter the cafeteria. 

His presteen, crisp white lab coat was tight around his build. You could tell he took fitness seriously and wondered what he was hiding underneath it all. You unknowingly licked your lips as you watched him search for a fruit out of the bowl off the commons counter. Curious to know what he fancied: was he into a sweet apple or something more tart like cherries. 

He picked up a peach and squeezed it with his massive hand, making it look quite comical considering his size. His eyes met yours and you quickly looked away, trying to now draw any attention to yourself. You fumbled with your phone as you connected to the audiobook and heart his footsteps approached your empty table. 

"Good afternoon," he said. His voice was deep, smooth, and inviting. Not at all like the day before in your office. 

You play coy and don't bother to look up, fidgeting with your sandwich. 

"Hello," you reply distantly. He made you nervous. Would he bring up yesterday's conversation? Will he continue to look that delectable each day?

He smirked and took a bite of the fuzzy peach. There was a slight crunch as he dug his pearly whites into the rounded fruit. The velvet and thin layer of skin eased off and entered his mouth; he chewed slightly and let the piece swirl around with his thick tongue. 

You peered to look at him and his stare hadn't relented. He took another bite. This time the luscious juice slips out of the white-yellow fleshed fruit and down slightly on his chin. Oh, to be that piece of fruit and have him ravish you that way.  How he’d expertly use his hands over you and taste you with those lips.

He can tell you're still distant, however he notices you're unable to tear your eyes away from him. 

He walks over, closer to you now, and you can smell his cologne: a woody aromatic scent tied with a hint of suede. It's downright delicious and with the mix of the peach, your senses are in overdrive. 

What is it with this man and his ability to excite and anger you all at once? You not only want to put him into his place, you want to do so right here on the cafeteria table and have your way with him.

"Lovely day, isn't it?" He smiles devilishly and places the half eaten fruit on the table next to your phone and walks away. 

Your cringe and use all your might to not look back at him. He's going to make this very hard for you, very hard indeed. 

[messymusingss]

magnolia grace winthrope

twenty eight » business owner » alycia debnam-carey.

melancholic, clever, obedient, inauthentic, generous, observant, envious, patient, indecisive, affectionate, competitive, unsatisfied, polite, guarded, yearnful, passionate, hesitant, contradictory.

content warning: mentions of depression, parental emotional abuse

magnolia hails from the wealthy winthrope family - yeah, those self-righteous lawyer winthropes. even so, she’s always felt a smidge out of place. for her entire life, mags has been attempting to fit every edge of her square self into the seamless and perfect circle her parents have molded out for her. even so, her family is and always has been the most important thing to her - and probably always will be unless she somehow learns how to enforce her own boundaries.

as a closet foodie, she owns a fairly new charcuterie restaurant called sips & swiss where they make their own specialty cheeses and wine from the small attached vineyard. her mother doesn’t approve (and dad is simply too busy to make a fuss) and thinks its beneath her but sure does enjoy the perks of bragging about their family’s wine.

perhaps the most pivotal piece of who magnolia is would be the constant inner tug of war between who she’s been conditioned to be and who she longs to be. with numerous people in her life from both sides, she’s afraid she might just eventually split in half altogether. she’s actually quite depressed and definitely undiagnosed because wouldn’t that just be an embarrassment. she couldn’t actually show her face at a therapists office - the shock and horror that would rattle the winthrope household. /s

plot hooks;

the winthropes - magnolia and ashley need their last sibling! the youngest winthrope, baby brother. should be twenty-six(ish) years of age and expected to fall in line with the family business of lawyering and shit. i’d love for him to have a special closeness with mags and maybe he’s the only one she really vents to about the way she feels when it comes to her place in the family idk idk. they also need the parents and if anyone wants to make them that would be the most glorious thing tbh.

sips & swiss employees - the business she owns needs workers whether that be cooks, wait staff, hosts, bartenders, or even farmers for the vineyard. i wouldn’t be opposed to her also maybe having a business partner if that’s something someone might be into?

a love interest - perhaps someone she’s always been friends with but something about them makes her hesitant to take that next step. perhaps her family wouldn’t approve or maybe they’d approve too much.  she’s had a few serious relationships before which were basically betrothals and she would always end up bored. she needs someone exciting to bring her back to life, pretty much.

an unlikely friend group - i’m a sucker for friendship groups and i know yall are too so help me or help yourself lmao. i’m not really looking for a group of wealthy people (although im sure she has numerous wealthy friends) simply because she wouldn’t feel as comfortable around people she’d constantly have to impress. more of a mixed bag when it comes to social/economical class. people who might not normally gravitate towards each other but something as tied them together nonetheless. my brain is trying to brain rn and its not succeeding lmao.

a rival - idk about this one but tbh i feel like there was always this other girl her age that her mother would always try and compare her to. perhaps their families are close and they are assumed friends but deep down - it isn’t that simple. “that ___ girl really is something.” is a comment mags hears all too often. its a big reason why she doesn’t just throw in the towel and go her own way, live her life how she wants. something about her. she’s everything mags should be and tiny part of her actually sort of wants to just to prove to herself she can. a lot of competitive energy, a lot of fake niceties, and i wouldn’t be mad if it turned into some kind of slow burn fxf shippy thing tbh 

[ultfreakme]

Akashi’s horribly portrayed DID

KNB is a good show for the most part, but the overt homophobia by one of the main cast, the caricaturized representation of black people and the horrible, horrible portrayal of mental illness, very specifically Akashi’s condition, is just- No. That’s all I can say; No. 

I want to ensure fic writers do not follow in those footsteps and hopefully do better than Tadatoshi(the bar is in hell). 

Disclaimer: I am not an expert in Dissociative Identity Disorder, I am not diagnosed with it, neither do I have any friends diagnosed with DID and it’s pretty much consensus that anyone without DID will never be able to get it right without extensive research and actually talking to people with DID. But I do want some semblance of accuracy and want to motivate people to research so I’m writing this. Also it’s about a 99% guarantee that all of us will get the portrayal absolutely wrong unless we do some intense research and retcon some canon stuff.

Now, let’s start with everything KNB got wrong about DID, or fell into stereotypes to describe it. 

1. The Eye Colour changing thing

Yes KNB is unrealistic as fuck about basketball with streaks of lightning come out of people’s eyes but Akashi’s eye colour changing is actually a portrayal of a huge stereotype/myth about people with DID. Eye colours do not change fr for people with DID. 

2. Akashi Emperor Eye ‘powers’

Emperor Eye borders on supernatural as a skill, honestly all of Akashi is portrayed more like a supernatural entity than a high school boy. Emperor Eye falls into the “Alters/parts have superpowers” stereotype. They don’t, but I guess it’s a little dismissable because all of GoM have ridiculous supernatural b-ball skills. If you are writing Emperor Eye, please write it the way you write Kise’s copies or Midorima’s 3-pointers, it’s just another skill and not a side effect or rooted in Akashi’s DID.

3. Alters are not violent

This one sucks because Akashi’s introductory scene is him trying to stab Kagami. Alters are not predisposed to violence or inherently violent. Alters have reasons for their actions. They don’t just go around threatening people and being imposing to strangers. If, IF you want to show this, make it have purpose and give it real good cause. 

4. Alters are not ‘other selves’

Alters/parts of individuals with DID are note different versions of the ‘original’(inaccurate term btw). They are whole people by themselves. Write alters like you do regular people. They have their own likes, dislikes, hobbies, preferences. They also have different sexualities, gender, etc. 

5. It is almost impossible for people to detect that a person has DID

Most likely you will never be able to tell if something is wrong with a person with DID, especially that they have HAVE DID. The disorder develops as a way for individuals to make it through life more easily so if the disorder is causing lots of trouble with living, then it defeats the purpose. People will notice that something is off about the person, but they won’t ever be able to tell what’s up.

Added to that; switches are mostly never dramatic, you won’t be able to tell when it’s happening. You’d probably barely notice it as an outsider. 

6. DID development

It happens with repeated and consistent trauma during childhood and develops around 4-9 years of age. Any older than that and it is probably not DID. So Akashi must have had this disorder even before middle school and it went undiagnosed(in canon it’s still pretty much undiagnosed). We know Akashi grew up in a very harsh environment with his dad constantly expecting perfection, so it makes sense. But falling behind in b-ball was probably not what....’started’ it. Midorima does note there was something up with Akashi even before, There’s no...set point of time where there’s a dormancy and there isn’t. DID just exists. The match Murasakibara might have acted as a trigger but it wasn’t the only thing. 

I think I touched upon the major points?

The biggest problem with Akashi’s DID when writing for it in fics is that we never ever get a concrete label for it. It doesn’t fall into DDNOS but it isn’t exactly DID either so we have to work with what we have. One thing that we all probably need to address is that we should stop calling Akashi-gold-eyes as the ‘other self’ or ‘other Akashi’ because alters generally have different names or identities. They can be very similar to the host’s name but from what I’ve seen, they’ve never shared a name. 

Bokushi and Oreshi doesn’t work as different names because that’d be like calling someone named, let’s say ‘Oscar’, as I-scar and Me-scar.

(I tried to give them more distinct identities by giving who the fandom calls ‘Bokushi’ the name Seiichi but idk, I’m just trying here and it’s difficult to portray this disorder.)

One thing that was sort of gotten close to correct was Oreshi referring to Bokushi as his brother.

Another important thing is people can't just switch on request. There's minimal control over who fronts.

One advice I do my best to stand by when writing Bokushi is I write him as if he were a different person. Write Bokushi the way you write Kuroko, Kagami, any of the GOM, etc. 

Do not take just this as anything useful but use this as a starting point to learn about DID so we could all just do a little better. Here’s someone who has DID with a channel dedicated to educating people: They are DissociaDID and they are so freaking informative but also calming and genuinely entertaining to watch.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6kFD5xIFvWyLlytv5pTR1w

Let’s all try to do better. 

Update: Someone in our fandom did do a comprehensive run down of Akashi’s DID: Links’s here: https://akashi-obsessed.tumblr.com/post/173473977394/an-analysis-on-akashi-seijurrou

[psychedelictrashpanda]

It’s been awhile, weird old blog with unspecified direction. How about more of me me me?

I finally did DMT again, and WOW. It’s been at least a full decade since the last time. I still didn’t quite “break through” enough to “meet the entities” again but mein GOTT was it healing. Speaking of God, we’ll get to that soon... But before smoking the dimitri, I was beginning to sustain a mania in slow motion with dissociatives again. Not to any extreme like I did with PCP long ago (btw, glancing at my Eyehategod poster, I realize that horror/metal fest when I was blasted on PCP the entire time was all the way back in 2013! It seems to much more recent, but the way these drugs interact with memory is very peculiar. or maybe it was the traumatizing effect of it and other things at the time that makes me block out and thus distort the time signature of the memory... I digress). And I don’t have the destructive tendencies I did in the past anyway, so I’ve never been apt to push it as far as I was when I was shooting up 3-meo-pcp and blacking out for days at a time. I mean, I did push it I suppose. For the main George Floyd protests I was loading up on a combination of things. Can’t even remember if that was my sober window between methadone detox and the suboxone I’m on now. But, I was combining bits of weird PCP offshoots with opiate offshoots (4-map iirc) and/or kratom with maybe a drop of benzo... straddling the line between going overboard and a “party dose” for lack of a better descriptor; between recreation and desperation. In retrospect, I was summoning the courage to act like my old self used to in these sorts of situations. That is, giving it my all, being novel about it, idk, summoning the spirit of Dr Gonzo I suppose (who, after reading his two books, was more slimey of a jerk than he’s presented in Hunter’s stories. well, I need to finish the Cockroach People book, he started getting into his attraction to underage girls as a young 20-something man himself and ugh, gross). My true wild & adventurous spirit has been hampered, weighed down with anxiety and depression and all manner of undiagnosed mental illness. Who knows if it’s more the drugs or the environmental factors that trigger drug use, but the spirit is tortured like Griffith in the torture dungeon, the heart is wrapped in a black grime guarded by the Beast of Darkness, the will is subordinated to authoritarian capitalist hegemony...

Where was I? Oh so I started suboxone for the second time in my life innnn... February I want to say. Last time I did it I was able to detox myself simply buying subs off the street, but I did it too quick. That’s been one problem, every time I detox rapidly it’s too harsh a push back into reality and I succumb to relapse less then a year into sobriety. The reason reality is harsh is the same reason my stance on anti depressants has been further cemented. I’ve articulated it better lately... Basically I believe it’s a weird solution to depression to force your chemical makeup into the right position to function properly in the same environment that caused it in the first place. “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” One of my conversations with a young college friend really illuminated why many don’t even consider this position. She was insistent there’s no cause of depression, you’re just born with a fucked up mind. Now sure, hereditary disposition is a thing, as a drug addicted child of an addict I should know. But for example she pointed to another friend with hard depression and was like “his life seems fine what explanation could there be?” But I put forth maybe his childhood of having to closet his homosexuality in a hard conservative family that had the possibility of disowning him if they knew about it contributed to that “natural chemical imbalance,” as it’s implied. YES, some people NEED it. But for the most part, it really seems to me to be what I’m gonna call the thyroid phenomenon. That is to say, a medical explanation for a small fraction of severely affected patients is used as a broad brush by the public to diagnose themselves. Forewarning: I am not fat shaming here, forgive the example. Dietary practices are a personal thing so my feelings are stronger as well. Anyway, it seems to me as soon as this thyroid malfunction became a hard biological explanation for obesity beyond the psychological, suddenly everyone was a candidate. It’s fine to think “maybe I have it” but when a growing and significant portion of the obese crowd started screaming they all had thyroid problems and can’t help themselves, when a teensy percentage actually do... well it sort of touches on the “addiction as a disease” narrative that’s never sat well with me. Addicts use the disease reasoning to skirt personal responsibility. I'm not denying it is a disease, but I believe calling it as such in the public discourse isn’t terribly constructive. (Okay, you’re seeing an opinion change in real time here... I changed my mind.) I was vehemently against the narrative, but I need to readjust to simply make people WARY of the narrative. As an addict, I could easily see myself using the excuse of it being a disease as a fatalist function; that is to say giving in, relinquishing personal control over my fate. Hereditary disposition, Rat Park, addiction as a disease... there’s also a severe lack of control it all conjures. Paradoxically, drugs can used to meticulously control your state of mind. I can’t control my desire to control myself?

God where was I going with this... Oh! God! May as well mention I’ve been warming up more and more to the spirit of monotheism beyond it’s structural and institutional dimensions. I could get deep into my recent past of not believing in the idea of a spirit, soul, etc. How the pendulum of my ideology swings between cold rationalism and loose spirituality, especially as I go through phases of rebellion against perceived oppressors. Growing up in a red state with a lot of Christian ideals, society around me was always telling me everything I seemed to like was the work of Satan. Naturally, I started reading into Satanism. I never self identified with occult-esque belief structures, except maybe chaos magick because it’s whole idea is to merge whatever practices work into something of your own, but I did staunchly identify as anti christian. Not a hard thing to do when you’re already a metal head, which definitely fueled the trajectory. Not to mention metal helped goad me into DXM use (thanks Velvet Cacoon ya bunch of goons), the first real psychedelic journeys I had. Because I never gave real consideration to myself having depression, I moulded my personal ideology around the symptoms it causes. Which is why for awhile after coming to terms with depression as a problem I probably have, I was only able to identify it in retrospect. I never felt it in real time because it was so old-coat to me, I adapted to it like an addict adapts to their drug of choice and ti becomes their world. So I would decide to skip social events, let my room get messy, watch only old comfort shows, etc... but only AFTER emerging from that state was I able to immediately look back and think “wait... I was doing all those things because I was depressed.” In the moment, it’s rationalized as “I don’t want to see these people for these reasons” or “I want to watch spongebob because it’s fun and an old favorite.” Rationalization, the concept of the west, serves as a detriment to the individual in a number of manners. This is one. I was a MASTER at rationalizing away my drug use. Statistically, more people die from this this and that, why be worried that I’m on this drug instead? Statistics quelled the perceived danger. It was also a formative tool in my skills of justification. I always felt I had to justify every action I took, but that’s getting back into family matters...

But why not bring that up? it’s a sore spot. I feel like the tables have flipped from my dad always saying “you all just think I’m an asshole!” to me thinking I’m the asshole. It’s too much to get into but I’ll touch on a couple important things... I’ve learned a major source of my anxiety is not being able to draw the boundaries between business and family and myself, because they’re not properly defined. When I’m told by my bossfather after explaining the distress I feel simply thinking about the family company, and he goes typically all-or-nothing when I touch on crucial issue and says “if you want out just tell me you want out”, I can’t separate between whether he’s saying it as a father or as a boss in the moment. He would say, “of course I just mean the company”, but where does company end and family begin? It’s also an intense pressure, maybe shame, simply typing this and thinking in the back of my head about someone who might read and think “what a spoiled brat, has a family company and blah blah.” But who put all that in my head? He says he’s changed from the days of putting immense pressure on me with the sort of sentiments that cause that shit in my head like always telling me how great I have it and all the opportunities, shit, I’m feeling it right now, the frustration and I can’t even identify these emotions. At least I am aware of them, that’s a huge milestone for me. But the only thing that’s changed is he sees me as a the broken mother fucker I am and treats me as such. Sometimes it’s nice, and sincere sympathy, other times his frustration with having to check his language all the time is palpable so it does no good to do so. The immense pressure, the intense urgency, the confusing complexity, all those market pressures haven’t changed. This is evident when we were driving somewhere and I suggested not worrying about the fastest route on the map because one minute isn’t a big deal and he insisted that one minute IS a big deal. Sweating one fucking minute indicates a mountain of reputational pressure. In a way, that one minute is putting business ahead of family, but I feel harsh saying it because as he’s pounded into my head the business is what allows the family to survive. Not to mention why put the crack head of the family above that one minute (not literal crack, but it was obvious as soon as he saw I was “fucking around” on ketamine he decided to not take me as seriously) Still, I’ve made my decision that survival reasoning is fucking bullshit already. He’s the one that wants a mansion and wants enough mailbox money for us not to have to worry ever again, so he’s the one deliberately creating the pressure. Maybe he hasn’t considered how hardened he’s become to those feelings after a lifetime in the street and in prison. I really feel for mom. She’s okay now, but her spirit... It’s part of the reason I can’t relax myself at home. He has always painted her as dead weight in the past, never getting a job, sitting watching TV, but he’s unable to connect the dots psychologically because we’re all layman that part of the reason she’s like that is because her actions have been demonized already so who the fuck she got to prove herself to? Same reason I fell into relapse sometimes. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t sort of deal. The damned if I don’t being the reputation of yourself you have to live with after getting sober. He says “don’t worry about it” but I couldn’t accept that because the reason he doesn’t trust me (never mind respect, that’s even further away) is informed by my past. I can’t complain that he never allowed me to contribute to a crucial decision like choosing the building for the dispensary, talking about whether we want a certain investor or not, etc, is because that’s not something to entrust to a druggie. I’ve always felt he let me play make-believe CEO and gave me an allowance for it, while telling me otherwise. He’d say “this is all for you” but he’s making the decisions that truly move mountains and then putting it on us. Which is why I have a hard time saying “I want out”, he can be a baby about things just as much as I am, and I fear he’d let his entrepreneurial drive be affected by my departure. Sigh, this is already getting to be a headache to think about... He’s tired. I’m tired.

There was also something I wanted to say regarding the role social constructs play in all this, but it’s getting long enough already. Suffice to say I’ve been getting into psychoanalysis lately and it’s scratching the right itch for knowledge and wisdom. I can see why Zizek is enamored with Lacan, and why it’s so important to mix it with Marxism. And not to toot my own horn, but what the hell... There are a lot of lofty ideas I’ve been coming across that are already parallel to ideas I’ve developed through my own life experience, and it makes me think I’m meant for this sort of stuff. If I’m lucky in my pursuits (not to put too much weight on the luck aspect), I’ll be a journalist of some sort. Articles, video essays, whatever. Need to rein in my indecisiveness and dispel FOMO tho.

Back to DMT. But not really. Earlier in the summer I got some straight Ketamine and it was also immensely healing. But it has a great abuse potential, especially for me, so it’s harder to “hang up the phone” after I get the message as TmK would say. It made me feel again, and start to understand what love is. Partly because it conjured all these lost feels I had for Kat. She’s great people though, I think I’d just stress her out too much. Idk. Whatever. My love life is a total mess. Anyway after I ran out I wanted more of course and stumbled on some DCK, a somewhat rare ketamine offshoot. Coupled with my increasing propensity to trip acid more than once a week, they started building on each other. I was happier and happier at home, but at work/fam was getting more and more distressed about my place in that whole show. In his show. Simply thinking about the company, especially after having read that article about procrastination and how much it resonated with me, caused me unnecessary levels of distress. Normally as quickly as I can feel that, my mind will tuck it away and bottle it up somewhere so I can go about my day. The problem with drugs is they cause you to act instead. So he was doing the usual “it’s so easy! you’ll have it made!” and I interrupted with this torrent of shit I’ve been holding back forever, and he would not yield on his “you didn’t let me finish...” Incidentally, has he really never picked up on every time I interrupt I already know what he’s talking about? I said as much, something like “it’s not the labor” and he keeps saying “no you’re not listening” as though a frivolous detail changed the main thrust of the fact he’s always trying to make it easier for me. I wish he could simply let me go off and have the strength to take it a little less seriously, but considering how often I take things personally I shouldn’t be surprised he does to. On top of this, his brother/my uncle was in the hospital for some serious shit. But another reason I picked this time is because I only feel safe even confronting him when non-involved parties are around. He doesn’t care that I don’t feel safe confronting him though, he says “don’t worry about me” so maybe I shouldn’t. I feel like such an asshole about it, but that feeling is conjured by the ideological structure he helped to create. Where does my shame end with him being the causation and start with my personal ideology? How much can a person create their own ideology, truly? It’s about as small a window as free will, I imagine.

SO after feeling awful for going off after having all this stuff build up in my mind, I felt awful and went home to drug up some more. Again, not recklessly to the extent I used to be. But I did a fat line of DCK while on a couple hits of LSD and a smidgen of Zolpidem (a wholly underrated substance). Everything was getting to me all at once. A perfect storm of my problems. All the while another doubt caused by ideology from without (society and family both) was making me think it’s all the drugs. But the developments I’ve made are huge strides, I’ve matured so much from it all. And I realized every time I do this, those developments are wiped clean because the validity of them is rendered null due to both the general social stigma of drugs and my history with them. And maybe that’s a major trigger fo rmy relapse in the past. I’m not suppose to be on drugs, but I dabble, have incredible experiences and make strides of maturity, but because it’s drugs the exact opposite effect is percieved from the outside; the experiences are simple chemical euphoria, the strides of maturity are false delusions. It triggers a sharp roll back down hill. I wish someone respected me for who I am, I feel so alone sometimes.

Drugs as an umbrella term, drugs as a vice for the worst dregs of society. There are so many problems in our world regarding drugs. I could write a book. But how much I’ve written here touches on another pressure I feel. IS it simply him again? When he asks “you’re gonna be gone in a few days right?” is that what’s making me feel like this is a waste of time? I’ve got to get out of here. It’s so hard though. I simply have to be strong. The strength is in me to take the massive cut to pay and benefits when I move. Maybe I’ll get a portion of my strugglers card back and shit heads like Blasey Shomas can’t simply say “why don’t you take care of yourself instead of daddy taking are of you?” anymore. Part of me wants to say he says that because he’s driven by his own emotions and not smart enough to directly debate my claims, his insults should hold no weight. Another part of me is truly trying to be... I don’t know a proper term for it without sounding egotistical, but “enlightened”? This is why monotheism is sounding more interesting to me. Jesus’ position about those dregs of society. I’ve always tried to be a trusting person, understanding of people’s struggles, the ideologies they function under that make them lash out or otherwise act the way they do, etc. I even changed my wording there from “I’ve always been” to “I’ve always tried to be.” Not so much for my usual reasons of dodging a committing claim (which I’m working on -- instead of “I think ___” just say what I believe to give the claim more sense of authority so as to be taken more seriously), but trying to be more humble. And not to think lowly and use myself as a punching bag like I used to... ugh, whatever. This post is messy enough.

So that night after having done DCK every day for a couple weeks and tripping every other night on acid, I was at my wits end on what to do, where to go next, everything. The outside world is crumbling, the inside world is lost. I finally whipped out that DMT I’ve had for a long while, something inside told me it was time. Oh duh it was the wits end part, I had no other chemical recourse. I sat in my bed with a foil sculpture loosely resembling a pipe, repeated to myself “it’s okay, just let it happen to you, it will be okay.” A part of me even had a small fear based on those rare reports of those interdimensional beings mentally raping some people, but I don’t know what to make of those experiences, seem like flukes. I took my three deep hits and set the pipe aside as soon as the rusb began and laid back. It wasn’t enough to break through, so I need to get a proper pipe, but it was enough for a “being” (which I am convinced is a part of your mind, not from another dimension or otherwise external source) to appear before me. At least I think. Whatever it was slowly came closer, reassuring me that I’d be okay. The most profound part was an overwhelming sense of all these puzzle pieces suddenly falling perfectly into place where they should be. As though the answers to all my struggles obvious and within me the whole time. For example as soon as I came back I adjusted my posture, as that’s something that I’ve been wanting to work on, and because I was reminded of that just now I adjusted my posture in my seat while writing this. I felt an overwhelming sense of forgiveness toward myself, I think. Amazingly, the inebriation I felt before the trip was largely dissolved, as though the stuff I was on somehow all lost it’s potency. The distresses melted away. At least, the power behind them was nulled. I’m still facing the same problems, but there’s a zen(?) quality to my thinking when they come up in my mind. No longer will a pin drop trigger everything I’m feeling all at once. When I came-to completely, I started BAWLING. In being overwhelmingly consoled by the trip, I became inconsolable. Tears of joy. Tears of healing. And that was the main takeaway. The loudest words of the experience were “Now the healing can truly begin.” At the same time, now the real work also begins. 

Balance is key

[boop-le-snoot]

For the assumption ask.

I think you were definitely some sort of undiagnosed nuerodivergent as a child, I'm autistic and I see the traits in you as well. You're capable but you still carry around the inherent trauma of growing up in a nuerotypical world, one not made for your way of thinking, and brain pattern. I think you've often been misunderstood or misinterpreted when talking about something you believed or thought, other jump to conclusions about your tone and your meaning even though the actual words you said might not have had that intent. I think because of that and a pattern of constantly being looked down upon by people in your life while simultaneously being put under an immense amount of pressure and expectations (because let me act like an elementary school teacher here: you're so smart and you have so much potential but if only you could apply yourself better) I think because of this you crave validation from superiors especially figures of authority. I think it's hard for you to let your guard down and Tumblr is great for you because it allows this veil of anonymity paired with a welcoming community. To me it seems like you're hard on yourself even when you don't need to be because you can't understand why when you work your hardest still everything feels like it's so much. There's a constant amount of stress even in the background even when you're supposed to be on your day off, or relaxing. I I think truly the only person you can let down your mask is is with yourself, even with your closest friends you probably put on a slight front, and all of that is heavy, and it weighs on you but you can't control it it's automatic at this point. Forgive me if I'm wrong but these are my thoughts 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm diagnosed ADHD + unspecified neurodivergency; I "failed" the autism test. So idk-

Um anyway. I'm up for adoption if that matters- I pay rent and I can cook and-

[potatopossums]

Idk man, sometimes I like the aromantic fb groups I follow, and other times I kind of hate the comments.

Uh yeah it's a long one. Affectionate aro-spec rant inbound.

Today, I was reading a thread about "allos developing feelings after sex" and how that was "such an alloromantic experience."

It felt fucking alienating.

Maybe I read "feelings" to mean something different than "instantly wants to marry/date this person." That is not my definition of "developing feelings." But the wording is so vague, and I don't have much of a vocabulary outside of these experiences. I mean, I still use decidedly alloromantic terminology sometimes, because I grew up with it for so long, and I find it difficult to use other terms, even if they're technically the correct definition for what I'm experiencing.

But my main gripe was really with this demonization of "feelings." Feelings of intimacy? Feelings of tenderness? Wanting to continue? Sure, it depends on the people involved; each relationship has its own rules and boundaries and goals. Aromantic people can easily do romantic-coded things and enjoy them. They can also just as easily avoid those things. That's up to personal choice, and I'm not knocking that.

But it bothered me how unanimous it was in that comments section that a casual sex partner expressing a desire to "do more than sex only" might be off-putting. Sure, I think the intention was that a sex partner suddenly wants to date you, and yeah, I would say no to that advance, too, were I in a similar position. But if a friendship/FWB/QPR formed organically from a casual sex situation? Sure.

And on the flipside, it also bothers me that sex can't possibly be seen as an emotionally bonding experience. Again, romance entirely aside, I would consider, especially as a largely demisexual person, that sex with someone I was actually physically attracted to would also involve emotions. It would enrich my relationship with that person. That doesn't make it romantic for me. My tendencies are just very close knit. I enjoy deep relationships and tend to despise surface level ones. This has more to do with my learned history of passivity, and less to do with romantic feelings. I don't feel romantic. I feel close. I desire closeness. That closeness can manifest in a lot of different ways. Romance, in my experience, likes to wear the costume of intimacy and parrot the lines, but it doesn't signify intimacy. Closeness comes from self and mutual honesty. And from some shit just lining up well.

Feelings (as in emotions) are part of the human experience. They're temporary, and that's the important bit (and that was the only bit on that thread that I actually agreed with; alloromantic people do tend to view feeling as fact in a romantic sense, but everyone is prone to misreading general feelings as fact—for example, a common trap is "I'm afraid, therefore I must be in danger." Feelings, thus, are not necessarily factual.) But emotions are also reactions to something. Experiencing emotions is a normal thing. Having sex with someone casually for an extended period of time will likely let you get to know that person a bit. Amatonormative conditioning can easily kick in, regardless of orientation. And amatonormativity promises something—something substantial.

Happiness.

Clearly, this promise doesn't hold up. Romance is bullshit, unhealthy, an obsession with being unrequited, and an overinflated lens of glorifying pain for the purpose of promised reward (which never comes). We all know that.

And yet, it still reels some of us in. Conditioning at its finest, eh? Remind me to stop watching movies with any shred of romance in them.

But here's the thing. I'm aro-spec and I have fucking ADHD. Those two experiences, for me, have been the absolute worst combination.

I'm only beginning to come to grips with my ADHD and how it affects my perception of the world and my orientation(s) within it. One of the things I've noticed about myself is that I chase highs. Those highs simulate the deficiency in dopamine and reward signals inside my brain. I kind of don't function normally when I don't have those reward chemicals. I don't feel senses of accomplishment often, even when I've done lots of things. This is a really common experience with ADHD, hence why depression and anxiety can sometimes be considered side-effects of ADHD. Of course feeling like you've done nothing would make you anxious and depressed.

But especially in terms of social relationships, these sorts of reward chemicals can factor in to great amounts. I mean, I'd like to say that romance writing & fantasizing has been one of my most persistent hyperfixations in life. It's a concept teeming with overwhelming emotions, which tend to set off chemical responses in the brain that can induce dopamine, or dopamine-like effects. Thus, drama feels good. And for someone who never feels good... well, drama can become a drug. It can become seemingly the only thing that helps one feel good—about themselves, about their life, their accomplishments, their abilities—especially for undiagnosed adults.

It's a really tumultuous reality. And the back and forth is absolutely chaotic. Hyperfixations don't go on constantly. But they can start at any time. They can be triggered so easily. And amatonormative and positive conditioning doesn't help. Again, it's a happy drug for your brain. Evolution probably intended that. And now it's gone very awry in me.

Here's my thing though: me wanting intimacy, me wanting closeness—that does not equate to romance. Me experiencing feelings and desiring those feelings also doesn't equate to romance. My brain has a chemistry issue. It likes these chemicals, like, way too much as it is. Amatonormativity already conditioned me to chase these highs, and those highs have an even stronger and more dangerous effect on me and my perception of reality, especially as someone who is statistically more predisposed addictive behaviors.

So imagine trying to sus out that you're actually aromantic underneath all that. But you also are really touch starved. Oh, and you're a lesbian. Not even a little bit bisexual. Totally very gay. And you have sensory issues. And you have those handy-dandy side effects of anxiety and depression hanging around.

There's a lot to parse through every time I have an emotion at all.

So genuinely: yes. I agree that it sucks when someone you only wanna have casual sex with suddenly wants to have a romantic relationship with you.

But also: I'm aro, and I'm also not over here having sex with random strangers. I'm over here having sex with good friends. I'm over here being polyaffectionate. I'm over here chasing the highs of pretty people, sensual intimacy, and awesome orgasms.

And none of that shit rings alloromantic to me.