#it’s actually funny. i used to joke with a friend back in rhythm season that i was using the ice rink at home to train for the sky olympics

[squoobest]

GOLD MEDAL IN CRAB RACE BABY WOOHOOOO #VALLEYSWEEP #CARCINISATIONNATION

[queen-of-writing-bad-things]

Henry Danger Reader Insert | Captain Man x Reader: SEASON 5

Episode 9: Broken Armed and Dangerous

Life in the Man Cave had resumed being like it ever was. Not normal, life in those four walls was never normal, not with Ray and his bad decisions, Schwoz and his mad experiments, Jasper with his weird comments, and the endless exasperation of (y/n), Henry and Charlotte.

Nevertheless, after the escapade with Rick Twitler, they'd fallen back into the same rhythm that they'd always worked to; fun, laughter and a few fights in between. Of course, Henry was still getting used to being stripped of his superpowers and there had been a few mishaps during emergencies where his reaction times hadn't been great since everything was so much slower now. He was trying his best, bless his little heart, and things had been going fine for the most part...until today, that is.

"In our number two story tonight, The Playground Pooper has struck again," Mary Gaperman reported as Jasper, Charlotte and Schwoz giggled at the news. As always when Captain Man and his sidekicks were out on a mission, they were left to sit around and do nothing--or watch the news and eat sorbet from tennis balls. Y'know, something normal. 

"The Swellview Police suddenly have more doodies than usual because someone or something has been using Swellview playgrounds every night as a toilet," Trent went on, resulting in more laughter from the three. It wasn't the most serious crime, even if it was disgusting for the parents who had very curious toddlers in the sandpit the next day but the way they were reporting this pooper was hilarious. Was it on purpose or were they oblivious to every pun they made related to poo?

"Police have piles of evidence, but have yet to arrest the prankster, despite being flushed with clues."

"Has the news always been this funny?" Jasper asked as he ate another spoonful of sorbet and his friends laughed and shrugged. If it was always this funny, they'd watch more often since nothing fun ever happened when the heroes were out saving people. Good thing they were back then.

As they carried on eating, the tubes beeped and dropped, bringing down Ray with (y/n) in his embrace, nothing out of the ordinary there, and a rather glum-looking Henry, who was clutching his arm. And with their arrival came a problem, not that the helpers were interested.

"We got a bad situation here, people," (y/n) announced as she helped Henry down the stairs, her hand in the small of his back so he didn't trip and hurt himself even more than he already was. There had been a small incident during their time away and it was no laughing matter judging by how the kid kept wincing with every jolt or movement. And understandably, Ray was just as concerned as his sweet girl, although not as focused, unfortunately.

"We know... The Playground Pooper has struck again," Charlotte stood up, folded her arms and replied in a dark, serious tone that mocked the gravity of the real situation. In fairness to her, she didn't know that her friend needed some genuine assistance urgently, otherwise, she probably wouldn't have been so jovial, but her playfulness caused Ray's eyes to light up at the name of his new favourite lowlife and instantly, Henry didn't matter as much.

"No way! Really?!" the hero barked out, laughing with his helpers when he heard about the weirdo who couldn't stop crapping in public, but neither Kid nor Miss Danger was in a joking mood. Did the sight of him holding his left arm to his chest not mean anything to them?

"Ummm, no, actually it's a little bit of a different bad situation--ow!"

"Shhh! I wanna hear this!" Ray interrupted his youngest sidekick so he could hear the news report, not even blinking when he whacked the kid's poor arm despite his injury. (y/n) glared at her adorable idiot for being so mean and absentminded because the resulting groan from him and any possible aggravation to the injury made her heart sore. 

"Raymond, we've got bigger prob--hey!" she went to scold him, prodding his arm as he sat down on the arm of the couch and stared at the monitor happily. His attention was fully trained on what the news anchors were saying, but that didn't stop him from seizing her body with an iron grip and dragging her onto his knee, thinking that the amusing story could only get better if he hugged his sweet girl to his chest and laughed with her. And normally, (y/n) would love to laugh with him, if Henry wasn't in serious pain.

"Police have no idea who is doing the dumping; an angry teen, a large baby, Mary. No one knows."

"It's a real poo-dunnit," Mary smiled and they all laughed at her little joke, well, everyone apart from Henry, who wrinkled his nose when he saw that (y/n) was trying to fight off a smile. Oh, come on, he got that she and Ray were touchier than ever after nearly losing each other for the fiftieth time but seriously? He dragged her into his arms and now she was losing her focus just because his lips brushed the curve of her ear and the grumbling of his laughter made her tummy feel funny. Talk about no resilience.

"A poo-dunnit... It's probably Jasper," Ray smiled and dropped as he mentioned his guess, much to the boy's shock and annoyance. Who said anything about it being him? He wasn't depraved or an animal, weird, yes, a wrong-un, no.

"What?!"

"I was just gonna going to say that!" Schwoz agreed with his boss, which was a bit ironic given how weird he was himself. He was strange but Jasper had a specific type of weirdness, one that screamed pooping in public when no one was around but he'd never do that, not since he'd outgrown most of his weirdness. 

"It's not me!"

"I don't know, Jasper...it just smells like something you'd do," Charlotte joked, causing another round of laughter from the group as they teased the boy. He wasn't best pleased and neither was Henry, who could swear that the throbbing was getting worse and giving him a headache, or maybe that was merely the frustrating lack of help.

"That's actually really funny, that's actually really funny--all right, joke's over," Jasper pouted and walked away from the couch with a bruised ego. They could laugh all they wanted, the only thing he did at night was sleep, not go off doing his business in playgrounds.

"I'm not joking, I seriously think it's you," Ray replied in one of the most serious voices (y/n) had ever heard him use, one that was only reserved for when he seriously needed to say sorry or if he was deadly serious about something. 

"Okay, guys, can we focus on what happened to me, please?" Henry tried again, appealing to (y/n) by meeting her gaze as she turned in Ray's arms in a bid for freedom. He was still clingy and she had no choice but to slouch against him again but she could at least put a word in for the kid. After all, Ray only ever properly listened to her.

"Raymond, we should focus on Henry and—oh, look! They're talking about you, that's kinda freaky..." the woman trailed off when her point became useless as Trent and Mary moved onto the next big story of the night, which just so happened to hit closer to home, unlike the Playground Pooper. 

Ray grinned and slapped the kid's arm again, delighted that his sidekick was in the news because any publicity is good publicity, right? It made (y/n) glare at him again but with his nose pushed into her hair and his eyes trained on the monitor, he couldn't see his mistake. What a doofus.

"In non-funny news, witnesses say that Kid Danger, while teaming up with Captain Man and Miss Danger to fight super-criminal, Doctor Karaté, broke his arm this evening," Mary reported, causing everyone not in the know to look at Henry in horror. No wonder he was holding his arm like that, the poor kid had taken a serious beating and was now seriously hurt. 

Everyone had seen it happen and Captain Man may or may not have had a slight panic attack about his youngest sidekick being hurt, which resulted in Miss Danger having to keep calm and reassure him that it wasn't too bad. The only bad thing was how quickly the paps seemed to pick up on it.

"You broke your arm?!" Jasper asked his friend, a gasp escaping his mouth at the shock and horror. His dear best friend, wounded and hurt, didn't serve thinking about it. 

"That's what I've been trying to tell you guys!" Henry exclaimed, feeling beyond frustrated that it was only now that he could explain what had happened during what should have been a normal, bog-standard mission, " Doctor Karaté karate-chopped my arm."

"I bet you wish you still had your superpower," Jasper noted, unintentionally rubbing salt in the wound for Henry, who was still a tad bitter about losing his power but he hadn't let it bother him until now. There was nothing he could do, so there was no point in feeling sorry for himself, but come on, it sucked when someone made it worse when he was trying his best.

"Yeah."

"Because if you still had your super-fast reflexes, you could have just...moved out of the way!"

"All right, I got it!" The boy snapped at his friend. It wasn't like Henry to get irate but Jasper was kinda asking for it with his subtle taunts.

"Hey, snappy, calm down...we've had enough flying fists for one night," (y/n) told him, freeing herself from Ray's deadlocked embrace to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. She still had one arm around her waist, keeping her close—joined-at-the-hip close—but the gesture was enough for Henry to ignore how clingy his boss was being tonight. The kid was beaten up enough, there was no need for conflict to be brought home and certainly not between best friends.

"You guys, this is really bad," Charlotte said as Schwoz waddled over to examine Henry's arm—not that he didn't trust Miss Danger's eye for injuries, but a second opinion never hurt. For some reason unknown to everyone else, the girl looked perturbed as if she'd realised something no one else had, not even her fellow smarty-pants. To be fair, it had been a stressful night and no one can clock on to everything.

"It's just a broken arm," Schwoz told her as he poked it. He didn't understand her tone; in his mind, he thought she was worried about the severity of the injury, not any repercussions because of it. "We'll cut it off, it'll grow right back."

"What?! No!" Henry blanched at the prognosis and treatment, his terrified eyes looking for (y/n) for help since she was the best nurse he'd ever had. He loved his arm, he hadn't finished with it yet and he sure as hell hoped she wouldn't let the funny bald guy cut it off. They weren't gonna do that, were they?

"That's not how arms work, Schwoz! Geez, where'd you get your science degree? A thrift store?" The woman gave him a funny look because no scientist had ever learned that in school. Maybe it came from his long, lonely stints in the lab where he'd experiment until the early hours with mutants and freaks, sewing arms onto legs and legs onto heads—things everyone else tended to avoid. They didn't ask and he didn't say, so perhaps he was getting his biology mixed up.

"Oh, right, that's a starfish..." Schwoz nodded with an understanding smile, having realised his mistake. Weirdo. What starfish had he been messing with? And why did Henry trigger the same knowledge? As the others pondered his peculiar habits, Charlotte stepped forward, feeling the same burn in her chest as Henry had—the need to shout something out so it didn't eat her alive.

"Listen! What's bad is that if everyone in Swellview knows that Kid Danger broke his arm tonight, then Henry Hart suddenly shows up tomorrow morning with a broken arm, then any idiot can put two and two together and figure out that Henry is Kid Danger," she explained and suddenly, a wave of uneasiness came over the group. Well, most of it, only those who took her worry onboard understood her argument.

"She has a point. It certainly looks suspicious and people aren't as stupid as they look," (y/n) added, agreeing with Charlotte because if she had noticed the similarities, surely someone else would too, someone who wasn't in on the secret. They were the right height, age, build, appearance, everything, an observant kid could see that Kid Danger and Henry Hart were the same.

"I don't know... I don't think anyone's going to put anyth—" Schwoz started, his opinion differing from the girls' because it was just one of those worries that would never come to fruition. Henry had been going to school ever since he started working and no one had even come close to seeing the truth. Why was now any different? A broken arm? People are dumb, that wouldn't prove anything.

"I just put two and two together!" Or not. It truly said something about his confidence in the stupidity of the human race when the slowest lady in the city saw the obvious. Seriously, Mary Gaperman outsmarted Schwoz, it couldn't be true.

"Oh, really?"

"Yes! People should look out for a boy about Kid Danger's height, about Kid Danger's age, who has a newly broken arm, because that boy would be..." For once in her life, and to Trent's amazement, Mary was on the verge of a breakthrough, her grey cells working harder than ever to come to an astounding conclusion. Everyone was on edge but whilst some citizens were desperate to hear her big theory, the Man Cave team were hoping a meteorite hit the news studio in the next three seconds. 

"Keep going, Mary..."

"No, stay right where you are, Mary. Keep your mouth shut..." (y/n) begged silently, hoping that the woman, who she'd always been quite fond of, would hear her plea. It had been a long night and they still had to set Henry's arm, she didn't fancy having a possible exposure situation involving every kid at Swellview High knowing who Kid Danger was.

"The Playground Pooper?" Mary offered her co-host, who winced at her inability to complete her brilliant moment. Ray and his family breathed a sigh of relief at the small miracle, thanking the universe for making Mary so dim-witted because it had saved them a heap of trouble. It wasn't very exciting for the tabloids but what they didn't know, wouldn't hurt them—or anyone else.

"Oooh, so close! No, Mary, that boy would be Kid Danger." And just like that, Trent took their miracle and tore it into little pieces, something that was so delightful for him because who doesn't like a juicy story?

They groaned, they shouted, they stomped their feet because Charlotte had been right, any idiot could see the correlation and now there was gonna be a damn witch-hunt for the kid who turned up to school with a cast.

"See?!"

"Okay, we have a big problem on our hands." Schwoz conceded. Yeah, now he agreed with her, now it was too late to do anything. 

"I agree. How are we going to get Jasper to stop pooping in playgrounds?" Ray joked, his small way of breaking the ice in the grave moment. (y/n) gave him a small smile for his effort, just enough to make it worth it because a pouty fiancé was no fun and if Henry's identity wasn't at risk then it would've been quite funny if a little infuriating for the kid being mocked.

"It's not me!" It probably wasn't Jasper, they knew he was a freak but he wasn't that big of a freak. No, he was innocent but winding him up was so much fun that they weren't gonna stop poking fun just yet. After all, the jokes didn't stink that bad.

~

First things first. Get Henry's arm fixed. 

Not even Schwoz had the technology to magically get it back to normal straight away, at least not in a way that Henry was comfortable with, so as he scanned the broken bone, he and (y/n) (the supervising nurse), agreed to go for something more traditional. 

A simple, plain cast that would hold the bone in place as it healed would do fine and whilst it would be difficult to explain to his family, Henry was happy with that option. It didn't involve amputation or fire or exsanguination so it was fine—plus, it was kinda cool to see his injury flash up on Schwoz's monitor.

"That thing detect muscles too, Schwoz? 'Cause I'm looking at Henry's arm and I'm not seeing any," Ray teased as he loitered around the couch, observing his sidekick as he longed out of uniform and allowed Schwoz to scan his arm. He was bored, that much was obvious, and he'd taken to making playful jokes at the kid since the scene was so dull and serious. 

Namely, his lack of upper body strength since the kid lacked any kind of bulk given that he was still a child and he, the bulkiest guy around, had muscles to spare—something he was showing off in his tight t-shirt for one lovely-looking nurse.

"Nice. Just broke my arm. Perfect time to start making fun of me," Henry offered his jovial boss a sarcastic smile, not best pleased with how he loved to point out his deficiencies when he was already down. Yeah, he hadn't started bodybuilding yet, and yeah, his wrists still went all the way up his arms, but it didn't mean he couldn't punch a guy in the face for being an ass.

"It was a joke, relax!"

"Don't poke the bear then, Mr Muscles," (y/n) teased her doofus back as she crossed the room just to squeeze his bicep. It was easy for him to make fun of others when he already had the body of a Greek god but he had to remember one thing; he was just as skinny once upon a time. He'd drunk a million protein shakes, pressed a million press-ups and punched a million bad guys to get where he was with his fitness and now he had the right to show off in front of his drooling fiancée, but no right to make fun of the kid who might just out-muscle him one day.

"I'm not poking anything, darlin'. It was funny! Did he break his funny bone too?" The hero smirked and practically became putty in her hands as she not-so-subtly felt his arms and the rippling muscles that he not-so-subtly flexed under her touch. He knew she had a thing for them since they were so big that she couldn't get her hands around them and seeing her so in love with the sight of them was exactly his style.

"Actually, he did!" Schwoz told him, pointing to the screen where he had an x-ray scan of Henry's broken arm and it showed a clean break in a particular bone. 

"Oh, yeah...look, doofus, the break is in his humerus bone," (y/n) pointed out to her lover, making the impossible task of taking her focus away from his hot body in favour of making sure he looked at the scan. The hero stepped past his lover, placing a kiss on her shoulder as he did, and bent over to look at his sidekick's arm because somewhere under the skin, there was the break his smart girl had shown him.

"Oh, yeah! Right there!" He grinned and jabbed the sore arm, which, understandably, pissed the kid off. It wasn't his day.

"Hey! What the heck, dude?! Stop!"

"Where's my finger poking?"

"What are you doing? Who does that? Stop! Stop! You're literally touching the most broken part of my bone right now! Can you stop?! (y/n), control your man-child fiancé!" Henry screeched as Ray prodded his arm, loving how he could see his finger and the bones beneath his skin on the scan whenever he did. It was just a bit of fun for him, but for Henry, each stab was an agonising sting.

"Okay, easy! She doesn't control me..." Ray backed off when the teen got vicious, his hands held up in surrender. Yeah, (y/n) didn't control him, that would be weird but she had some influence, especially when it came to tempt him away from annoying others.

"Stop terrorising the kid, doofus, and come over here," (y/n) smiled at him and dragged the man off to the side so Henry could receive Schwoz's treatment in peace. Reaching up on her tiptoes, the woman brought her lover into a gentle kiss, sighing happily when those arms that he loved to show off wrapped around her small form. That would keep him quiet for long enough as he refused to let go, only venturing deeper for the taste of honey.

"Ugh, gross...what are we doing? What's the plan?" Henry wrinkled his nose at the sight of them but didn't look a gift horse in the mouth and so moved on very quickly. If (y/n) could keep Ray entertained then who was he to stop that, even if the way he crowded her seemed to be a little overbearing? She seemed to like it, after all, she hadn't even swatted away his hands on her...yet. If they couldn't get a room, maybe he'd shove them into one.

"The plan is...you blow a bubble and fix your arm trouble," Schwoz replied, ignoring whatever were those strange noises that were coming from behind him, no doubt from the handsy hero as he ate the face of his quivering sweet girl. Give him strength, it was only his clever pun that gave him the strength to go on...or whip out his altar for them to get the marriage thing over and done with now.

"See? I can do rhymes too.."

"Pfff! Big—deal, you did a—rhyme. I do them all the..." Ray mumbled in between kisses and rolled his eyes when he noticed that Schwoz was giving him a mean glare. What? He couldn't help it if the sight of his floppy hair, tight shirt and huge biceps made his sweet girl want to kiss him and he couldn't help it if her just being her made him want to find a flat surface and revert to his caveman instincts. Was it really that bad to be in love with the woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with?

"Come on, doof, you can do it."

"...Every day." So close and yet so far. (y/n) giggled as Ray fell at the last hurdle, proving that whilst he was the cool hero, his quips weren't always the best, which was probably why he often spent hours coming up with them with his precious girl when they were tucked up in bed and too tired to do...other things.

"You're adorable, Raymond. Y'know that?" The woman in his arms remarked and sealed their lips again as his ears turned pink. Ignoring the loved-up couple once more, albeit, with a hidden smile on his face, Henry blew the bubble that Schwoz had handed to him; a simple yet effective method of getting a cast on his arm. It materialised, plaster wrapped with blue gauze and despite it already being a few seconds, Henry's arm felt better already.

"Hey, whoa!" "Nice cast, Schwoz! This problem is...solved!" Ray grinned, wandering over to inspect the new addition to Henry's outfit. He hadn't learnt his lesson, not at all, as he slapped the cast for good measure, and despite the solid plaster, the resounding thunk was still painful for Henry and his tender arm. He'd not pull any more faces if the kissing came back, kissing meant his arm wasn't a target.

"Ow! This problem is not solved," he winced but stayed focused on how they'd dealt with his arm, but not the big issue that they'd all been worried about. Had the kiss fried his brain or could he genuinely not remember?

"Why not?" Or maybe he was just stupid. Henry had long suspected that his boss wasn't playing with a full deck but now it was confirmed. He was dumb and a terrible listener, something which worsened when there was a certain pretty girl around.

"Because, doofus, if people see that Henry broke his arm, then they'll know he's Kid Danger, remember?"

"Oh, yeahhhh! You're so smart, sweet girl..." (y/n) blushed as Ray gave her his dopiest smile and trailed kisses across her cheek to her lips, a well-deserved reward, he thought, for the girl who kept him in line when he was being an idiot. He couldn't help himself, not when she was standing there, looking all pretty and sweet and perfect, and not when she'd been biting her lip non-stop the moment he changed out of his uniform and into the shirt he'd bought two sizes too small for him.

"Dude! How am I gonna hide this cast until my arm heals?" Henry butted in. They were going to be soon, couldn't this wait? Then, they'd have all night to do whatever floated their boat, so all he wanted right now, was a few minutes of their time to come up with a sensible plan. One that Ray wasn't gonna find at the back of (y/n)'s throat, so there was no point in looking there.

"Ugh! Easy!... We break Henry's other arm."

"Doofus..." Being interrupted didn't go down very well with the hero, who now had a ridiculous idea in his head and no warning note in his fiancée's voice was gonna shut him up as he dragged her towards the couch. If he could kiss her like he sorely wanted to, then he'd offer up his ideas, even if they weren't very good.

"So, he'll have two broken arms and that way, nobody will think he's Kid Danger. This problem is...solved," Ray smirked and flopped down onto the couch next to Henry, who gave him a bored look as he pulled his sweet girl into his lap too. He expected to be allowed to resume their activities, tonsil tennis mainly, but for once, (y/n) jerked her head away from his when he went in for another kiss, meaning his lips landed on her jawline instead. Hell, he could work with that, it often lead to something more than kisses anyway.

"You're not breaking my arm, dude," Henry said firmly, watching with squinted eyes as Ray spread his legs even further to try and coax (y/n) into his chest more, his attention on her than anything else. It was just one of those nights, he was feeling touchy, but the stupidity of breaking another arm didn't fix the problem, it made it worse.

"Okay, Schwoz'll do it."

"Raymond—Ray—okay, stop!" (y/n) scolded him in between giggles as his nose tickled its way down the column of her neck and tried to brush against her own. She had an excellent point and whilst she'd love nothing more than to bask in his attention, there was a serious floor in his plan. 

"Don't you think that if Henry Hart turns up with two broken arms, then it'll be exactly the same when Kid Danger also turns up with two broken arms? Either way, the problem won't go away with your plan."

"Oh, yeah..." Ray looked slightly downcast as he realised what she was saying but immediately perked up when she pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose to cheer him up. It wasn't the best idea ever, but he was trying and that warmed her heart anyway. 

"I have a different plan," Schwoz announced and smiled at them as he too tapped Henry's arm, causing the boy to wince yet again. When were people gonna realise that doing that caused him severe pain? At least it was fleeting, that was a bonus, and he quickly forgot about the agony shooting up his arm as Charlotte and Jasper appeared from the sprocket carrying...stuff. The genius had sent them on a small mission to find a few things for him, all of which he hoped would help Henry blag his way through the healing process.

"Hey, I found the case of fake arms!" Jasper yelled as he trotted down the steps with the large silver case that was full of prosthetics, which would hopefully provide them with a semi-decent solution to the kid's problem. 

"Where was it?"

"Right by that big jar of real legs," the boy replied, causing (y/n) to shiver in Ray's arms at the thought of what the handyman kept in storage. There weren't many rooms that she didn't like going in but that was definitely one of them—real pickled legs were just too freaky for her.

"Why do you have a jar of real legs?" Henry questioned, getting the same sense of freakiness as Ray hugged his fiancée tighter, anything to make her feel better. He wouldn't let her go in that room, he preferred to keep her happy and if need be, he'd suck up his fears and go into the leg room.

"A guy owed me twenty bucks. He paid me in legs," Schwoz answered, proving that he was a bigger weirdo than Henry originally thought and leaving him wishing he hadn't asked. What sort of guys did Schwoz talk to? Were there people out there who were missing legs that were actually in the Man Cave? So many questions...

"And this is the biggest sweater I could find. It was just in a drawer, not near any body parts, thank God." Charlotte moved on and tossed an alarmingly large sweater to Schwoz. It was so large that it could only be one person's and luckily for Henry, it wasn't contaminated by anything human.

"Okay, we give Henry one of these fake arms, then we hide his cast with a sweater from when Ray really loved horses," the genius explained, holding out the freakishly large sweater, patterned with two galloping horses in a desert scene. Honestly, it was a bit hideous, not because the horses were ugly or anything but it was quite gauche, gaudy, maybe even tacky by some people, and (y/n) had never been more thankful for anything that Ray's weird obsession had been nothing more than a phase. 

Was it three or four years ago? Maybe five, back when she'd wait up for her best friend and find him coming home all hot and sweaty from his time with the horses because Captain Man loved a challenge and the stallions gave him one. He'd bought horse bed sheets, horse mugs, horse shoes, horse t-shirts, horse sweaters, even a horse alarm clock and he wondered why their friendship had been a little tense for those few, agonisingly long months. Seriously, she thought she was losing her doofus to an animal.

"Oh, yeah, I used to race 'em. They always beat me, though," the man replied, earning himself a few funny looks when he added the second part. Gone was the prestige of being involved in horse racing and in came the judgement of a guy who was so stubborn and boastful that he thought he could run at forty miles per hour. 

"Oh, Raymond. You're so adorable sometimes—even if the damn horses drove me insane," (y/n) pinched his cheeks as she would with a cute child, finding him even more irresistible when he squirmed and blushed. He'd had a million phases since that one, ranging from fad diets to train-spotting, and every time, she tolerated and encouraged his hobbies until he moved on to the next. 

The important thing was that she remained a constant, a passion he could never shake, not that he'd ever want to; he knew that for all his flaws, his sweet girl was here to stay.

"Okay, I've got a lot of arm options for you but we have to find just the right one. Soooo, fake arm fashion show!" Schwoz exclaimed and began waving two of his fake arms around as Jasper, Ray, (y/n) and Charlotte cheered. Henry looked rather confused as he clapped them underneath his leg because what the hell was happening? Couldn't he just have a look?

Of course not, fashion shows were exciting and they gave his friends a chance to judge his every move as they worked through the case for something excellent. He didn't have much of a choice.

~

The stage was set. The screen had been erected so Henry could shove the arm into the sweater and he was ready to show off his first choice. The sweater was big and comfy, so that posed no problems. The only concern he had was for how...shit the arm looked as it was pinned to the sleeve. Well, that and how he looked like a true saddo with his little horsies on his chest as it wasn't the most subtle garment, more like a magnet for school bullies.

Apart from that, however, the arm was in place and as long as no one looked too close and he didn't shake the brace that held it to his body too much, it should be fine. Time to show his friends.

The group sat on the couch waiting with bated breath as they sipped on their fancy sodas through curly straws. Jasper, Charlotte and (y/n) were sat on the couch, poised for some serious judging as Schwoz and Ray stood behind them, leaning on the back with the latter resting his chin on the shoulder of the woman in front of him. He couldn't wait to whisper nonsense about the show in her ear and see her shiver but as Henry stepped out, the electricity in the room seemed to fizzle out.

"Hey..."

"That works..."

"Oh, yeah."

"I like it. It's a ten-out-of-ten arm," they ad-libbed, admiring how from a distance (and if they squinted their eyes a bit), the arm looked real. Maybe a bit plastic-y and awkward given the angle it fell from the sleeve but apart from that and the fact that he could pick anything up, it looked great. No improvement was needed, which was a bit of a disappointment since there was no need to carry on now that they'd found the perfect prosthetic.

"Seems good," Henry stated, feeling comfortable with his new-fake arm, even if his cast was getting pretty warm and itchy under the cheap sweater, and he could see the puzzled, disappointed faces of his friends when they realised that the show was over before it began.

"Man, I really thought that would take longer," Charlotte said as she swirled her drink with her straw. What were the odds that the first arm out of the case would be the one they were looking for?

"Me too, but you know, sometimes, the first arm just feels right," Ray replied and with a final peck on his sweet girl's cheek, stood up now that they had nothing to watch, which was a shame given that his opportunity to flirt had gone down the metaphorical toilet. 

"Yep, first arm's always right."

"That is what they say."

"Who actually says that?"

"So, once again, this problem is...solved," the hero reiterated, smirking at his youngest sidekick now that they'd found a solution to the problem, meaning he didn't have to worry about it and therefore, he could focus on other things...like whisking (y/n) away to somewhere more private. But, as always, it wasn't that simple, because even though he'd fastened and secured the arm in place as Schwoz had shown him, Henry could feel how clunky and surreal the thing was as it poked him in the ribs.

"Uh, once again, the problem is not solved. I mean, dude, this sweater and fake arm might work for, like, a day but it's not gonna fool people for long. I mean, look at this thing," the kid argued and proved his point by swinging his body to show how the arm didn't naturally follow his movements, it just floundered in the air and stuck out like a sore thumb. Without a doubt, someone at school or in his family was gonna see the latex and realise the truth—what then?

"Try tucking it into your pocket. That way, it won't flap about the place," (y/n) suggested, thinking that if the arm was secured in a natural position, it would look more real. Plus, it would be less likely to get snagged on something, so Henry was inclined to follow her sound advice, that is until Ray decided to make a madness out of it.

"Or, hook your thumb through your belt loop. That's what I do whenever I want to look cool and tough. I mean, one look of me like this and I was engaged to be married," the hero smirked as he stood there with his fingers dangling from his waistband and (y/n) scoffed a laugh at his outrageous joking. Sure, in his dreams; whilst she had to admit that any pose he did was cute, this one wasn't it. He looked awkward and like a doofus, and it wasn't what made her agree to marry him. That was a long list ranging from his floppy hair to his goofy personality; belt loops be damned.

"Keep telling yourself that, Ra—"

"Oh, yeah! Just try this, Henry," Jasper, being the suck-up and bonehead he was, jumped in to back his boss up, believing that the ridiculous pose was something to be proud of, something that made them edgy, something that made them appeal to girls. The boy needed more appeal than the elder, but even he felt epic as he pushed out his pelvis and leaned back with a cocky smirk on his face. He only had one girl to impress but even though she loved the sight of him in that shirt, he looked so silly.

"You look cool, man."

"Yeah, you look cool too. What's up?" They complimented each other as they obnoxiously exaggerated their thumbs poking through the denim, wiggling their hips and flaring their fingers so they looked like idiots. Yeah, Henry wasn't gonna do that, he wanted to attract girls, not scare them off.

"Yeah, I'm not doing that."

"Your loss." Ray shrugged and turned to smirk at his sweet girl, who was shaking her head with a soft smile. He was a dork, but he was her dork, and having him looming over her wasn't so bad. As long as Charlotte was on-hand to stop Henry from doing something idiotic, she could admire him as much as she wanted and long for the minute they were free to go to bed.

"Or...tomorrow morning, at school, we stage a fake accident where Henry can pretend to break his fake arm in front of everyone," the teen girl shared her plan and for once, it was a genuinely sensible one. No craziness, no far-fetched details, nothing that could go wrong and Henry liked the sound of it because whilst he loved some of Ray's insane ideas, sometimes, they were a bit much. After everything that had happened that night, he just wanted to get this problem solved without any more problems.

"Yes! Then, I'll have an excuse for my broken arm and people won't think I'm Kid Danger."

"Exactly! And, we do something simple, like Jasper accidentally closes your fake arm into his locker. Done," Charlotte suggested and it was like music to Henry's ears. He liked the sound of that, no frills, no lace, no fancy, unnecessary bits, just a straightforward accident that could be explained in such a dull way that no one would question it. Perfect.

"Problem actually solved."

"Perfect."

"I like it."

"Good, we don't want any more accidents around here," the group were all in agreement; it was a great plan. Schwoz, Henry, Charlotte, Jasper and (y/n) were ready to get the plan going, meaning the kids would be left to sort it out themselves since it would be highly weird for a happily engaged couple and their oddball handyman to show up at a high school. Extremely weird. 

Therefore, it would be best to let them get on with it, after all, fewer people meant fewer complications, which someone should've told Ray.

"Yawn," he added to the end of their happy chittering, meaning they couldn't leave the problem there because he, the boss, the guy in charge, wasn't satisfied, much to (y/n)'s confusion and slight annoyance. What had his panties in a bunch now?

"Uh, what?"

"Doofus, what's up with you?" The sidekicks looked at him with bored expressions as the man sucked up the last of his drink. He had that expression on his face that told his precious girl that he thought that he knew best, which everyone knew was never the case. It was very rare for Ray Manchester to have an intellectual advantage over someone else and it was almost certain that he wasn't thinking with his brain, more like with his ego.

"Oh, I said yawn because that plan puts me to sleep," Ray replied rather arrogantly and (y/n)'s adoring looks turned sour.

"Uh, I'm sorry?" Charlotte, however, hadn't had the years of experience that she had, and hadn't figured out a method for breaking through his pigheadedness, so for her, his abrasive argument was a bit shocking. Almost as if she couldn't believe her ears.

"I mean...it's boring! It'll work, probably great...but where's the funny?" He asked, fingertips touching fingertips in a cocky pose as he looked down at the girl from his high horse, something that didn't sit well with his fiancée. Did he want to get some tonight or was he deliberately trying to be obnoxious? Why did everything have to be funny? It didn't make sense; sometimes, it's better to get the problem over and done with, rather than messing with it until it's even bigger than it was to begin with.

"Raymond, we're not trying to be funny."

"Uh, mission accomplished, sweet girl," he booped her nose, causing her to wrinkle it up in a way that he found adorable, especially when it was paired with her moody pout. He didn't mean to cause any aggro, but he was certain that they could do this a different way, one that result in a school incident that was so hilarious it would go down in the history books. Maybe it was because he never got the chance to be a school prankster, a class clown, or anything school related, perhaps he wanted to live that childhood experience whilst he still could. After all, it's not like the kids would be around forever.

"I got a better, funnier idea."

"Fine, come on, then. Let's hear your big idea, doofus," (y/n) sighed and crossed her arms, looking at him tiredly through her lashes. She could predict what was about to come out of his mouth; bold, outlandish, stupid, possibly dangerous, ridiculous. Definitely ridiculous. She loved him, but by god, she wanted to tie him up and gag his dumb mouth before he said or did something they'd all regret.

"Still got that trebuchet?" The hero didn't reply to her, rather, he turned to Schwoz and that mischievous smirk grew on his face. The mention of the medieval invention caused them both to sneak and chuckle with planned wickedness because for those who knew what a trebuchet was, AKA (y/n), that sounded worrying. 

The kids didn't want to know what those two used to get up to with that thing, how many times they'd nearly been caught by the cops for flinging watermelons where they didn't belong, and how it was only because the Man Cave was a hidden location that they'd managed to wait until the heat died down. It all came to a head when she had to put her foot down after an incident with a smashed window and a furious business owner, so from then on, the trebuchet was tucked away into storage, unused but still ready for another adventure. Yippee.

"No, don't you dare, Ray Manchester! You know how I feel about that damn trebuchet! We're not doing the trebuchet," the woman said firmly, pointing a very stern finger at her lover who didn't seem all that scared, not in the way the kids had previously seen him scared during one of their arguments. 

This was more like a mother admonishing her child into scaring them away from danger, but it was clear that the child was gonna do it anyway, curiosity killed the cat and all that. No, Ray didn't look phased at all and to her frustration, he merely stepped forward, looked deeply into her eyes and when she thought that the soft kiss they shared was his version of an apology, he went and ruined it. And it was such a gentle kiss too, almost perfect had it not been for him pulling away just when she was turning into goo.

"We're doin' the trebuchet...come on, sweet girl...don't look at me like that, sweetheart, " he nodded at Schwoz, making his sweet girl gasp in outrage because he tricked her, the sneaky little—he tricked her! He got her defences down and her argument thrown out by using her need for peppermint-bubblegum against her, which was highly unfair but very effective as it meant that she was dazed just long enough to tell his repairman that they were going storage-diving. Or trash-diving; most of the stuff in storage was absolute garbage.

"What's a trebuchet? Where are they going? Jasper, will you please stop playing with my fake arm?!" So many questions, so little time for poor Henry, whose mood had deflated when this mystery item had been introduced. He'd not done early history in school, otherwise, he might have heard of one, but despite his lack of knowledge, he still got the feeling that whatever a trebby thing was, it wasn't good. This was one of Ray's weird plans that wasn't gonna work, wasn't it?

"We'll handle it. You don't have to worry about anything," Ray tried to soothe his sidekick as he kept (y/n) tied to him with his fingers tight around her hand. He'd need her help to find the trebuchet since she was the one who'd locked it away and so, he was already working on a plan to sway her into doing so, possibly with a bribe, more likely with seduction. He was good at that and he was also good at pissing her off, which was starting to work too, judging by the raised eyebrows and sceptical looks she kept giving him. His plan for her better be good.

"That makes me worry about everything."

"Me too," Charlotte agreed with her friend. She didn't like how cocky her boss was being or how he was dragging (y/n) off for some unknown search and rescue mission or how a trebuchet could be involved. She had a vague idea of what one was since she was a well-read smarty and it gave her the chills. They were big, clunky and not very practical, given how they weren't particularly good when they were first used. What more could Ray want?

"All you gotta do is meet me, (y/n) and Schwoz at school tomorrow morning and we'll trebu-show you a fake accident that's way funnier than Charlotte's," the large man bragged, earning him an eye roll from not just Charlotte, but (y/n) too. Why did she have to be dragged away from her cosy home during the little free time she got? Oh, right, she had to play babysitter to her dumb lover who'd rather prove a point than spend the day watching movies or going shopping with her.

"Oh, yeah, showing up at a kid's school to wreak havoc, just what every normal couple does," she remarked and looked up at her doofus, who for a split second, seemed to be slight sheepish at her observation, almost like the thought of the alternative spending the day at home crossed his mind before the smirk returned. Any time spent with his fiancée was time well spent, so Ray wasn't that bothered, more like planning how tomorrow was gonna unfold.

"All right, whatever. I'm tired, I'm going home."

"Yeah, I'm out like Jasper's belly button."

"Way out," the kids announced, having had enough craziness for one day and by all accounts, they'd be needing their strength for tomorrow so a good night's sleep was in order. They'd leave Ray and Schwoz's to plan for their big plan, hopefully (y/n) wouldn't kill them and by the time that had all been sorted out, they'd thankfully be well clear of whatever the couple was gonna do before finally going to sleep. They wanted to avoid that like the Black Death, so a speedy exit was necessary.

"Henry!" Schwoz suddenly shouted as the kid waited for the elevator. He turned to see the genius looking frantic whilst Ray was oblivious since he was already making a move on (y/n), whispering in her ear and causing her cheeks to heat up. What did Schwoz need that meant he couldn't get out of their love nest? The sooner he left, the better; he still had some innocence left, y'know. 

"Don't let your parents see your cast when you get back home."

"I won't," the boy replied and hit the button with his fake, flailing arm. Did the guy think he was an idiot? His mom would freak if she saw what he'd done to his arm, let alone know what he'd been up to since she and his dad always watched the news.

"Because then, they'll know that you're Kid Danger!"

"Yeah, I realise that." His concern was nice, y'know, it was good that someone cared but it really wasn't necessary. Henry was a smart kid and he knew how to keep the secret from his family. Lord knows he'd had enough practice over the last few years.

"Then, we'd have to wipe their memories again."

"Yeah, I said I realised tha—wait, again?!" Honestly, Henry wanted to get home quick since things were getting too spicy for him in the Man Cave and he was willing to say anything to get Schwoz to shut up, but then, the last detail of his sentence caught his attention. Hang on, did that mean his family had discovered something before? Should he be worried about them? 

"I dunno..." Schwoz's lips were sealed on the promise of Ray beating him up should he squeal any details. What was in the past should stay in the past and that was one story that Henry could never be told, even if it was about his parents, sister and whoever else. So, to take his mind off of it before he was in a sticky situation, Ray stepped in with a little something he'd pulled from a drawer, hoping to make everyone, especially his sweet girl laugh. He loved her laugh.

"Hey, Jasper! Catch!" He yelled to the odd boy and tossed a toilet roll across the room, into the elevator and the boy's hands. What was he—? Oh, god, no more teasing, the poor kid didn't understand the joke until he walked right into it.

"What's this for?"

"In case you pass a playground on your way home," Ray grinned, his banter drawing several chuckles from around the room and to his joy, he felt his darling girl press her face into his pec to save Jasper's blushes. 

She hated laughing at people, even if it was only teasing but it was quite amusing to see Jasper's ears turn pink. She knew it wasn't him but winding him up was so fun and her doofus did it so well, always keeping it light and jovial, never malicious, so despite her frustration, her arms wound their way around his waist and she gazed at him with happiness in her eyes. He was a doofus but he was her doofus.

"I'm not the Playground Pooper!" Jasper shouted in his defence, which didn't help much since agitation is a sign of being guilty, so Ray wasn't convinced, especially when Jasper failed to give the roll back. "But I am keeping this 'cause I think we're out at home!" 

The three were left giggling and joking as the elevator door closed on the couple metres of tissue, which son disappeared when it was pulled upwards. He was never gonna live this down, Ray would never let him go, or he would, but only if something funnier came along. Maybe he'd appeal directly to (y/n) and get her to have a word with him because it was common knowledge that if you wanted to talk with the boss, you went to her - the true heart of the Man Cave.

~The next day, Swellview High School~

Things were buzzing in the corridors of Swellview High as kids rushed to get to classes they were late for or to their group of friends to swap the latest gossip. Of course, there were the usual topics; who was dating who, which teacher was on the verge of being sacked, had Captain Man really been caught making out with Miss Danger in an alley behind the Nacho Ball on Fifth Street, some were more exaggerated than others but the thing on everyone's lips was obvious, more popular than anything else. Kid Danger.

No one knew when the mystery boy was going to turn up, so everyone was on the lookout for a kid who fit the bill, which wasn't too hard. Some had even placed bets on who they thought it could be, some pretended that they didn't even care when they were more desperate than anyone else and others were just hoping to get lucky. Every girl wanted to date Kid Danger, so they all thought they'd know him when they saw him, not discounting Piper Hart. 

She didn't even go to that school, being too young, and yet there she was, bright and early, skiving from her real lessons for a glimpse at the sidekick and his telltale broken arm. Piper had a system; vet every boy who came in, check for any suspicious injuries and ask him to be her boyfriend until the end of time. Because that wouldn't be creepy at all.

"We are so getting put on some kind of list. Y'know, the kind for weirdos who sneak into schools." 

Not as creepy as what was being set up in the hall, though. It was another topic of conversation amongst the students; what the hell was that monstrosity in front of the doors and why were three freaks messing with it? No guesses for who the three freaks were. 

Ray and Schwoz were perfectly calm as they adjusted the twine on the trebuchet, making sure everything was gonna be ready for their big performance. It had taken some sneakiness to get it into the school and no short amount of lying for any suspicious teachers who wanted to know why two medieval squires and one noble lady were shoving bits of old wood and ropes into their school. 

(y/n) felt uneasy, like her tummy was telling her something again, but no matter how much she scolded her doofus about his dumbness or reasoned that it wasn't on late to go home yet, he patted her on the head and spoke to her in a stupidly formal accent.

"Worry not, fair maiden. Watcheth thy lover as his trebuchet makes the melon-eth fly through the air...eth," Ray replied, giving her a gentle side smile as he placed a heavy yet small melon onto a wooden panel, ready to be flung. He was trying his best to fit the part, ensuring that his voice matched his ridiculous dress-up of baggy blue breeches, tunic embroidered with silver studs, knee-high brown leather boots and soufflé-like hat, complete with a yellow feather. 

Schwoz didn't look much better; his outfit looked like some cavalier reject, straight from the English Civil War what with his natty wig and red velvet ensemble, and now that she thought about it, (y/n) didn't fancy her outfit much either. 

She kept tripping up on her skirts, had spent way too long on her hair, and was almost certain that she'd done up the corset wrong since Ray had been trying to trail kisses down her neck when he came up from behind after seeing her struggle for so long. It was a wonder she'd even managed to get dressed after finding him still insatiable that morning but after beating him off with a metaphorical stick, she'd pulled on her gloves, fallen over her own feet a million times and found herself in Henry's school, smiling at the children like a regal queen. If only. 

They all looked odd and the woman hadn't felt this vulnerable to school bullies since she'd had her braces put on in middle school but for now, they were staying away, possibly because of the hulking giant of a man who kept pecking her cheek. The same giant who failed to realise that speaking like a twelfth-century noble did not mean adding fancy inflexions after every word or using archaic words. 

Any minute now, someone would recognise them as the wacko couple who ran that junk store down the road or even worse, Piper would pay attention and realise that her friend was a weirdo getting married to another weirdo.

"I'll make you fly through the air, Ray. I'll kick your butt!" She snapped, prodding him in the pec as Henry and Charlotte approached with disgusted looks on their faces. It was impossible to miss the trebuchet and the not-so-subtle flirting, particularly when Ray looked up from his mischief to stop her worrying little head yet again. This was a school, he had to keep his hands to himself, but that didn't mean he couldn't fawn over her.

"Babe, this plan is perfect...and funny! Stop worrying about it and just stand there looking all pretty. Like you usually do," the hero smirked, squishing her flaming cheeks as she tried to be stern only for him to flirt his way past her defences. She was trying to be mad at him and failing miserably because whilst the dress wasn't her style, he loved her in it—well, he loved her in anything.

"Flattery will get you nowhere!"

"It got me somewhere last night. Remember?" Ray was lightning fast with his remark, watching as her jaw hit the ground because he was exactly right, not that she wanted to show him that. 

It was obvious, however, and the man saw straight through the way she tried to stop her eyes from widening and her lip from quivering, only to fail miserably. He made an excellent point; not ten hours earlier, he broke past her grumpy façade when they were digging through old weapons and gadgets and used his charm to leave Schwoz to find the trebuchet and drag her to a more private setting. 

"You—you—that's the last time we...y'know! I swear! No more for you! Ever!" The woman spluttered waggling her finger under his nose as she flustered from his observation. It was an empty threat, a lose-lose situation that neither of them ever wanted, so the hero didn't falter, rather, his smirk deepened.

"Sure it is, sweet girl. Just wait until tonight when you're begging me—"

"Oh my god, what are they talking about?"

"And what are they doing?" The banter was interrupted by the familiar voices of two disgruntled teens as they approached the medieval display and instantly, the couple clammed up on discussing their nightly activities. This was a school, after all, and those were their wards. They sounded confused and disgusted, which caused (y/n) to yet again squirm in embarrassment since she had no idea how close they were, but in all seriousness, she had to agree that the costumes and act were nothing short of humiliating.

"Tis ready!"

"Forsooth!"

"Fire thy trebuchet, dearheart, and Godspeed!—or something to that effect..." the "actors" proclaimed for all to hear and as Ray took up his fair lady's hand and planted a respectful kiss on her knuckles, the trebuchet fired the watermelon, flinging it across the hall until it splattered against a poster a few metres away. It was quite impressive, judging by the awed reactions of the round of applause from the teenage crowd, who now knew what a trebuchet was. A catapult thing, not what you'd normally expect a thirty-seven-year-old man to keep in his home but whatever.

"Oh, good morrow, fair youth!" Ray exclaimed as he noticed Henry standing near his brilliant device and without breaking his persona, approached him in a bouncy if ridiculous manner that probably would've ended up in him losing his head had he done it in a real ancient court. 

He needed to see his reaction because his plan was amazing and there was no doubt that the kid was speechless from his performance. Of course, he didn't want to make it known that he was Henry's boss, that dude from Junk-N-Stuff, but still, he couldn't help but wrap an arm around his shoulders and pull him to the side as (y/n) and Schwoz soaked up the praise.

"Good morrow to yo—I can't do this, dude. What's going on?" Henry asked in exasperation, not even bothering to copy his boss's fancy words because he wasn't some dick from the Middle Ages, he was a kid from the modern era. All he wanted to know was why he was on the verge of being heavily embarrassed.

"Okay, here's the plan," the man hissed, drawing a few glances from (y/n) and Charlotte as the girl teased her friend over her beautiful yet impractical getup. 

"You go stand by the stairs. We fling a basketball at you. It hits you in your fake arm and you pretend like it's broken! It'll be a lot funnier than Charlotte's idea!"

"Okay, but what if the basketball doesn't hit me—"

"And break!" Henry didn't have time to share any concerns or bring up any issues that might have been tied to the plan because Ray didn't want to hear it, so he pushed the kid back into the crowd. He couldn't complain in front of his peers, he couldn't even acknowledge that he knew these weirdos, so he walked over to his spot and prepared himself for the basketball. 

"We are members of the Swellview Flinging Society!"

"Forsooth!" Ray introduced himself and his band of merry men—woman—weirdo and woman—whatever. They even did a strange dance pose, arms curled in the air as their toes pointed and (y/n) could already hear sniggers of "losers" coming from the crowd. She'd left school a long time ago, being back and bullied in her thirties wasn't how she'd pictured her life going.

"We doth fling many things with our trebuchet!"

"Tis the truth, my young friends. Now, behold with thine eyes that hath seen fewer winters than mine and see for yourself, the art of an age gone by!" But, she humoured her doofus nonetheless and played into her part, flourishing and smiling at the crowd as if she was some queen from a long forgotten time, using words she'd only ever read in Shakespeare, in an outfit that should've been in a museum. 

Ray and Schwoz moved to set up the trebuchet, cranking back the arm into flinging position, which left hosting duties to her, and as they did, Jasper barrelled past them, heading for Henry and Charlotte. What was he in a hurry for?

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You guys, check it out!"

"Hey, Pooper."

"What's poopening?" His friends greeted him, causing his mouth to set into a straight, firm line. That joke wasn't funny yesterday and nothing had changed overnight, except that he now had material to back himself up against these heinous lies. The only way he could get everyone to see that he didn't use playgrounds as toilets was if he proved that he couldn't have done the deed or have even been there. Proof was irrefutable.

"I know who the Playground Pooper is."

"So do we."

"Yeah, it's you," Charlotte and Henry couldn't help but mock him a little, ensuring that their faces showed no hint of humour or that they were joking. He was used to it and at the end of the day, the teasing was harmless and all in good fun.

"No, it's not! I go in toilets, I've been potty trained for four years!" Jasper told them sternly, trying to stress that he was a big boy, a seventeen-year-old very capable of going in appropriate places. But then, when Charlotte thought about his words, something didn't add up. Seventeen minus four...oh, god.

"Wait..." It didn't bear thinking about for Charlotte. She'd known Jasper since...forever, did that mean he'd...when she was with him? 

"Just look at this..." the boy didn't dwell on that disturbing fact for long and instead, directed his friends' attention to the PearPad he took from his backpack, on which he'd pulled up a video that had been uploaded to SplashFace. Something about someone being spotted somewhere in Swellview Park. What significance did that have? 

"This is the Playground Pooper walking through some carnations and I'm allergic to carnations, so it can't be me!"

"Those look like roses."

"What?!" Charlotte shot down his hopes in one fell swoop. She was no flower expert but she knew what a carnation was and even though the video quality wasn't good, she could see that the petals weren't crinkled in the right way. And Jasper couldn't believe it, he could swear that those buds were the ones that brought him out in sneezes and a rash, but according to Henry, those were something different entirely.

"Yeah, those are North American Sugar roses, bro. I know my flowers," Henry told him, divulging a surprising fact about himself since, in most teenage boy circles, flowers weren't the "in thing". Who wants to spend a few weeks looking at different blooms surrounded by pretty, soft girls? Oh, right, that's why he went.

"He does, he went to flower camp."

"Yeah, dude, it was sick."

"No!" Jasper stormed off in a mood, having had enough of talk about flowers, namely because he'd been disproven. That had been his big plan, that the plants would provide him with an alibi but he hadn't counted on Henry being such an expert. Now he had to come up with something else, but he was flat out of ideas and back to square one. His friends were so nice.

"Hear ye, hear ye! The flinging is about to commenceth!" Ray suddenly announced, drawing everyone's focus back to the trebuchet now that it had been reset into its original position. Show time; his big plan was ready if only those involved could assume their given positions.

"Everyone should stand where they're supposed to stand..."

"Gotta go..." Henry took that as his unsubtle hint to go and stand where the melon had splattered across the floor and wall. Charlotte had a bad feeling about this and if she had one, then (y/n) had one, but all they could do was shared a worried shrug since there was no stopping this farce now.

"My dear younglings, be-ith most careful, for when yon basketball be shot, it traveleth so fast, that it mayeth break someone's arm. I would hate to see such sorrow before the midday sun," (y/n) added, wanting to make sure that no one but Henry stood near the trebuchet because that would mean an instant phone call to the police, them having to explain themselves to an officer and their problem still very much prominent. 

And it was about to get even bigger because as the children broke out into applause again, a wandering green booger walked her way into the corridor, eyeing the performers with suspicion written on her face.

"Hold it right there, fancy pants!" Sharona Shapen snapped above the noise and the room fell into a silence, including one kid with some particularly snazzy trousers on. Poor guy, he was just trying to get to class in his best outfit, it was only a coincidence that other people had come into the building rivalling his fabulousness. He needed to be sent on his way.

"Not you, L'Orange! What the heck is going on here?" The teacher demanded to know and even if she was weird and even if her dress sense was hideous and even if she'd been known to love on Captain Man, she had a right to ask that. They'd turned up to the school with no warning or permission, which was concerning now that they thought about it and (y/n) just prayed that she didn't see through their disguises.

"We be the Swellview Flinging Society!"

"We are flingers!"

"We fling, patron of the arts!" The three lied, doing their little fancy greeting before (y/n) slipped her hand into Ray's. It might have ruined the image a bit but she needed something to ground her right now, otherwise, she was in danger of fainting from the stress. Sharona was looking at them with an evil stare and she did not look happy. Maybe she and Ray could swap love letters when they were each carted off to separate prisons.

"Well, go do your flinging somewhere else! These kids should be in classrooms pretending to listen to their teachers!" She hissed, making an excellent point to the startled trio, who was shuffling on their feet to think of a way to buy her silence. 

Once upon a time, a year or two ago, Ray had kissed her as a distraction, but that was out of the question now. One kiss had nearly killed him since he'd swore to never kiss any lips other than those that tasted like honey and (y/n) had only agreed because that had been an emergency. No, that wasn't gonna work on Sharona this time, so Ray offered the one thing he could.

"Look, you wanna fling a basketball at a wall?" It was carnal, brutish, and entirely uncivilised but that was the weird teacher all over and part of the fun. It was the best offer she'd had in months, especially from someone so handsome.

"'Course I do, get outta my way," she quickly agreed, the temptation too much regardless of her earlier concerns about safety and the students' education. When it came down to it, Miss Shapen was entirely selfish and eager to see the trebuchet in action, although first, Schwoz needed to show her what to do so she hit Henry as per the plan.

"Allow me to explaineth—"

"Relax, Leonardo. I've used a trebuchet in a school before," she spoke over him, however, meaning Schwoz wasn't able to get in there and aim the catapult in the direction they need it to be. Glossing over the oddness of her being so reckless in another situation, (y/n) looked at her lover with wide eyes and realised that things were about to go wrong and all because one woman couldn't listen.

"Favoured artisan, bearer of knowledge, orchestrator of tomorrow's wisdom...put the forsaken trebuchet down and leteth my companions aim—"

"Fire in the hall!" Any of the heroine's pleas were useless; Sharona released the catch before anyone could turn the arm, so the basketball was fired at maximum power and in completely the wrong direction. Straight into Charlotte's head. Ouch. 

The poor girl squealed and fell to the floor, not gravely injured, thank God, but she still had the mother of all heads and undoubtedly, she'd wake up with a lump tomorrow. The crowd gasped at the horrific collision and no one was more horrified than her nearest and dearest, who looked at the teacher with wide eyes for what she had done.

"I was never here!" Miss Shapen shouted to her students, even though it was pretty useless since she stuck out like a green thumb and every one of them would be happy to rat her out if it meant less homework. And, as much as they wanted to strangle her for what she'd done without letting them help first, Ray, Schwoz and (y/n) had to let the teacher scurry off as Henry helped Charlotte up because it wasn't their place as visiting actors to scold a teacher for the injury caused to a girl they weren't supposed to know.

"Are you okay?" Henry asked breathlessly as he leaned over Charlotte, hoping that she didn't have a concussion, but clearly, things were so hot for Charlotte, who couldn't see for the flashing lights in her eyes and the spinning room. She could see five Henrys in her head and because of her confusion, she didn't register the mistake she made in grabbing his fake arm, believing that it was real and stretched out to help her up. 

"No, no, no, no!" Too late. Henry couldn't do anything as his friend tumbled back to the ground, his false arm in her hand as Charlotte pulled it from his sleeve, much to the shock of his friends and fellow students. If that didn't look suspicious, then nothing did because, now, there was a kid in the hall who'd either just suffered and gruesome yet impossible injury or he had something to hide.

"Oh, shit..." (y/n) breathed out as Henry's world came crashing down and now, she needed Ray's entire arm to ground herself as they watched helplessly with stony faces. The hero's heart was in his mouth as he watched his youngest sidekick flounder, knowing that the worst scenario possible was now happening and he was helpless to intervene as the kid did the only thing he could think of.

"Ahhhh! Charlotte just pulled off my real arm! Next time you see me, I'll probably have a cast," he attempted to make the best of the situation, throwing in some lame excuse that his arm had magically dropped off with no blood spillages and that he'd be okay. Yeah, there was nothing weird at all about just sticking a cast on an amputated arm, that was how science worked. However, when one kid, known for being highly snotty and annoying, picked up his rubber limb from the floor, it was all over, no more playing around.

"This arm is fake! This is a fake arm!" He told the crowd, who immediately began whispering and chuntering amongst themselves about what that could mean for the boy who was nice to all, fairly popular, rather good-looking but sometimes mysteriously absent from his classes. Piper, who'd seen everything from her place scanning boys at the door, walked over to her brother, intent on finding the truth, even if he looked terrified at that moment.

"Why were you wearing a fake arm?" She demanded to know but when Henry tried to string together an excuse, she didn't let him finish. It was too late for excuses, Henry was way out of his depth. "What are you hiding?"

"Piper, I'm not doing anyth—"

"Take this off! What is wrong with you?!—" his sister exclaimed, not knowing that the big deal was about the ugly sweater that her brother had refused to take off since last night. Fighting his squirming body, she grasped the hood and tugged it over his head and Henry was powerless to stop her with merely one hand and so, the horse-themed garment was removed, revealing his blue cast underneath. And how telling it was to the boys and girls watching.

"You've got a broken arm!" Piper exclaimed with horror and shock written all over her face as she took in the sight in front of her.

There stood a boy about Kid Danger's height, about Kid Danger's age with a broken arm and before her eyes, everything fell into place, not that she could make sense of anything. There was only one explanation and Henry didn't know what to do. He couldn't look at Ray or (y/n), he didn't want to see their angry or disappointed faces, he couldn't look at Schwoz, Jasper or Charlotte either since he didn't want to implicate them. This was officially a disaster. So much for Ray's big plan.

"Oh my god, Henry Hart is Kid Danger!" The annoying kid realised, sending everyone into a shocked, noisy kerfuffle as everyone turned to their friends to gossip. 

Ray and (y/n) could try to discourage as much as they wanted, telling the kids that they knew very little about being superheroes but that didn't sound very likely, yet nothing could convince them otherwise. 

Girls were already planning their dates, boys were already planning to be his best friend and others were in awe of the scrawny, average kid who'd never been particularly good at anything, just another face around school. Who'd have thought that he was a superhero's sidekick? Not Piper, that's for sure.

"So much better than my plan," Charlotte said to Ray with a glare that could kill as she nursed her sore head and on a rare occasion in his life, Ray looked remorseful, guilty even. He had to admit that something else may have been easier and that perhaps in this situation, getting the issue over and done with would've been easier, nothing funny about it. 

"We need a way to fix this, now. You know what kids are like! One text or TwitFlash update and we are finished, Ray. No more Captain Man, no more Miss Danger, no more anything!" (y/n) stressed to her fiancé, who didn't need telling to know that they had to do something and fast. 

"Calm down, sweet girl. We'll think of something, I promise. Nothing's—gonna—happen," he reassured her, pressing firm kisses to her forehead with each word to try and make her feel better but as her fingers curled against his chest, she could feel his heartbeat jumping through the velvet blue. 

Maybe he was trying to convince himself as well as her that everything would be okay, but it wasn't helping given the fact that they could hear Piper stressing behind them. She sounded distraught at the deceit and that just made her want to cry into his shoulder even more, more so when the annoying kid started poking the bear again.

"Why were hiding your broken arm? We have a right to know!" He stated, prodding Henry with the squashy fingers of the rubber arm, tapping the cast in a way that made the blond-haired boy want to claw his eyes out, though he settled for just slapping the thing away. Getting irate wouldn't help anything, rather, it was a sign of a guilty conscience.

"Listen, everybody, listen! Stop poking me! I'm not—I'm not Kid Danger, okay? Okay, stop poking me! Stop poking me, Melvin!" He shouted above the noise, attempting to control the crowd and stop their whispering and gossiping, but the stress, the worry and the annoyance of constantly being prodded soon became too much for him. 

As his last nerve broke, Henry grabbed the fake arm and harshly used it to slap the annoying kid, also known as Melvin, across the face, feeling satisfied as the rubber belted his skin and left it red. It was a bit cruel but he deserved it, even if the crowd did gasp in surprise. He was so irritating, there was no surprise that he broke the kid's patience.

"Okay, I have the arm! I get to speak now!" Henry declared as he held the arm in his free hand, which was a gauntlet for who was allowed to talk and one kid took it quite seriously. "Thank you. Now, as I was saying, I'm not Kid Danger—"

"Prove it!" Melvin yelled, having gotten over his assault to be as annoying as ever. It was reasonable though, if Henry wanted to save his skin, then he was gonna have to give them a damn good excuse, no matter what it cost him.

"I will prove it, Melvin! As soon as I...think of something," he argued, trying to seem cool and composed when he had no idea what they were gonna do or how they were gonna get out of this one. 

He looked at Ray and (y/n) since they were the adults in this situation, they were meant to be in control and responsible, not to mention that the latter was smart. However, they looked just as clueless as he did, pale and nervous too, so it took someone unforeseeable to swoop in and save his bacon, someone who never normally saved the day.

"Come with me to the janitor's closet!" Jasper murmured in his ear as he snuck past, which didn't sound perturbing at all for Henry, who didn't fancy a secret rendezvous with his best friend in the dark but he was already gone and pushing through the line of people who were staring at the two. It didn't look like he had much choice.

"I will be back with answers...until then...Melvin has the arm," he announced and tossed the limb at the boy, who could now run his mouth off to his heart's content since he wouldn't be around to get annoyed. He seemed quite content to be in charge, but the sight of Henry scuttling off into the closet was rather peculiar for Charlotte, (y/n), Ray and Schwoz.

"What do you think they're up to?" The woman whispered to her doofus as they observed Charlotte scrambling after those idiots just as quickly as they had. Ray peered around the corner with squinted eyes, looking through the chattering students to see where they went and he decided that whatever was going down, they were gonna be a part of it.

"I don't know, darlin', but we're gonna find out," he replied, squeezing her hand once before pulling her across the hall, assuming that Schwoz was following behind them. He was Captain Man, this was his life, his work, his legacy and he wasn't going to watch it go down in flames; he wanted to know what they were planning, mainly because this was his fault, not that he'd ever admit that.

Storming across the room, Ray dodged the many children in his way and ignored the strange looks they got as they headed for the janitor's closet. No one questioned why the performers were wanting to speak with the newly discovered Kid Danger, so they were free to rip open the door, tumble in as a whirlwind of sparkly, studded velvet and wine red skirts, and see the three of them stood there. 

Henry and Charlotte had crowded around Jasper's PearPad again, watching some video on some website that (y/n) remembered from her youth. What party had they just crashed?

"You got a big problem on your hands," was the first thing Ray said as he pulled his lover in front of him so she was in on the conversation and then shut the door behind him for a little privacy. 

That statement earned him a few glares because whilst it was technically true, Henry did have a big problem, it was more accurate that they all had a big problem. After all, it affected every one of them, did he not realise that he could be found out too if someone connected the dots? Henry Hart's boss from Junk-N-Stuff was Captain Man? The similarities were obvious when you thought about them.

"No, Raymond, we have a big problem. We."

"I know that, thank you," Henry, although thankful for her correction, stated dryly after (y/n). He didn't mean to sound rude but he was under enough pressure as it was, an argument wasn't needed, just a solution.

"Guys, listen!" Jasper suddenly snapped, having been trying for the past couple of minutes to get his friends to listen to his idea but no one was taking him seriously. This was a real, decent plan that wasn't short of delicious humiliation but would be highly effective if only he could say it without any more interruptions.

"What if Henry was the Playground Pooper?" Oh, yeah, he was going there.

"That's impossible. It's you," Ray countered, not letting his joke/belief that his weirdest employee was behind the dumpings. He sounded genuinely conflicted, much to Jasper's annoyance because he was trying to do something here and all he was getting was a finger pointed at him as the culprit.

"No, it's not!" He yelped, raising his volume in an attempt to get through to them, which predictably didn't work. But, they never got the chance to break out into a full debate because incredibly, miraculously, impossibly, Schwoz suddenly jumped out from the blue trash can stored in the closet, which was an unfeasible action because there was no way he could've climbed in without them seeing, so his appearance gave them all quite a scare.

"Schwoz Schwartz, you maniac! How did you get in there?!" (y/n) asked indignantly as she clutched her chest like the teens and felt Ray go loose again after he tensed up at possible danger. His arms had circled her from a protective instinct and she'd leaned back after the fright, meaning they were closely snuggled more than they had already been, thanks to Schwoz, not that they'd ever credit for giving them a reason to be pressed against each other.

"Wasn't easy," the genius bragged, looking smug at how he'd managed to spook them all, although he did fear the way Ray was glaring at him, probably because he made his fiancée with a nervous disposition jump. And yet he had a good reason for doing so. 

"I have an idea that will solve all of Henry's problems." Well, that sounded ideal.

"So do I!" 

"Clog it, Pooper! What you got, Schwoz?" And no matter how much he argued, Ray would take one of Schwoz's crazy yet awesome plans any day over Jasper's pathetic nonsense, so he had to button his lip, despite his need to share his thoughts becoming almost unbearable. Couldn't they listen to him just once? His plan was great...

"We set off a memory wave and everyone with a three-block radius has no memory of any of it...or anything else in their lives!" He suggested, describing a plan that was insane and cruel but when they thought about it, Henry and Charlotte could see the advantages. There would be a lot of eyebrows raised from how a school of trained teachers and bright students went from functioning normally to being full of brain-dead zombies. But at the end of the day, it would solve the problem, even if it wasn't very ethical.

"I mean...maybe."

"It is simple."

"Guys!"

"Yeah, but what's funny about it? Like when am I going haha?" (y/n) was understandably upset with the suggestion, being of an affectionate nature, but Ray saw something else. Despite everything, he was still trying to find the funny side of everything, looking for humour in the plan when all it needed was to be effective. That earned him a glare from his sweet girl and yet Jasper saw an opportunity because whilst his wasn't as tech-heavy as that, it would draw a few laughs.

"Ray, I love you with everything I have but do shut up!"

"Guys! I have a solution and it's really funny!" The boy exclaimed over the debate and for once, his friends fell silent and listened. He said it was funny, so Ray would be satisfied. He said it was a solution, so Henry's problems would be solved. Interesting. If it was so great, he'd just have to prove it. Time for Jasper to put his money where his mouth was.

~

Jasper's plan was in motion. As promised, and with a little encouragement from his fiancée, Ray had worked with Schwoz to move the trebuchet out of the school to give the crowd enough space to gather (because no one cared about any actual learning) and they were patiently waiting against the wall. 

They had an observatory role with Charlotte, where they got to sit back, relax and laugh at what was about to unfold and whilst the hero was a little salty considering that he didn't have a starring role, the promise of kissing and flirting with his sweet girl in the mean time sealed the deal. 

Now, Jasper was taking centre stage with his best mate, Henry, both of them standing before the audience of their fellow students and Piper, all of whom were waiting with bated breath and crossed arms to hear their great explanation. It would take some doing; convincing them otherwise and getting them to back off from Henry's private life but Jasper would do it, by god he would do it because he was buzzing about what his friend was about to confess to.

"Okay! There's been a lot of speculation today that Henry is Kid Danger!" He shouted, addressing the crowd, who didn't agree with mere "speculation". Screw speculation, they had proof that he was genuinely the sidekick, an opinion they weren't quiet about.

"He is!"

"He's not! But he does have something he wants to announce," the boy swiftly shot down any objections, affirming that Henry was not who he was because if he kept saying it, they'd start to believe it, especially when the deliciously humiliating excuse was added.

"I don't know if I can—"

"Henry Hart, everyone!" There was no time for Henry to back out now, no matter how fast his heart was beating at the thought of the social suicide he was about to commit as a few awkward claps sounded. This would ruin him, everyone would laugh behind his back, his sister would never acknowledge him again, hell, his parents might even disown him because this was gonna bring nothing but shame, shame, shame. 

However, for the sake of his job, the safety of his friends, his boss, the woman who was like a sister to him, and the safety of the entire city, he was gonna do it. He was going to swallow every shred of his pride and confess a lie to save everything.

"Thank you!" Henry smiled politely at those who bothered to clap for him, only to be taken by surprise when some kid dragged over Piper's podium from when she was checking boys for broken arms, and it could only get worse from there. 

"Oh, right, my sister's podium, glad that's here. And a microphone! Thank you, L'Orange! And a sign language interpreter, great."

"Okay, uh, I know there's a lot of speculation that due to my broken arm, I am Kid Danger," Henry started, settling into his speaking role and forcing his voice to remain as steady as possible, despite how nervous he was feeling. And for some, even the mention of that fact, the mere possibility that he could be a superhero's sidekick, beloved by all teen girls in the city looking for love, was just too unsettling. Piper. Piper was unsettled, judging by the long, loud, involuntary scream she let out before shutting her mouth again.

"But the fact of the matter is I'm not Kid Danger because..." Henry, with the sign language boy behind him following his every word, struggled to say the lie. He couldn't do it, could he? This was the most humiliating thing he'd ever done and even when Jasper put a comforting hand on his shoulder, he couldn't help but start to stutter.

"I am...well...I am the Playground Pooper."

There. He said it. It was out there and resulting in shocked gasps and tittering giggles across the hall, most of them coming from behind him where Ray and Schwoz's shoulders were shaking with (y/n) and Charlotte also biting back smiles. 

To be fair, it was a horrible thing to confess to in front of all of his schoolmates and at such a young age, the kind of incident that only happened in a nightmare but it was also the kind of thing that could be funny if it wasn't happening to you. His friends weren't affected, so they didn't feel the stigma or have flaming cheeks as he did, just the humour of the situation as people realised the implications of such a confession.

"So, you're Kid Danger and the Playground Pooper?" Melvin asked, not understanding what Henry was saying since technically, he hadn't proven that being a pooper in playgrounds meant he couldn't be a sidekick; he'd just said something highly embarrassing.

"What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no....no. I'm just...the Playground Pooper." Kill him, unalive him now, and end his misery because explaining himself was torture. 

"Okay, this is funny," Ray whispered in his sweet girl's ear, loud enough for Jasper and Charlotte to hear too and agree, but quiet enough to not raise suspicion. And despite her morals and kindness, (y/n) was inclined to agree with him because whilst she wasn't one for bullying, this was hilarious, seeing how Henry admitted to something so gross. 

It wasn't like it would scar him, he wasn't the Playground Pooper, so there were no worries, which meant she could lean back into her doofus and let his chin rest on her shoulder—perhaps allow him a few neck kisses, even if he had been an idiot with the trebuchet.

"Prove it! Prove it! Prove it! Prove it! Prove it!" The students (and Ray and Schwoz) chanted, pressuring Henry to show some substantial evidence that would back up his claims because they weren't gonna laugh until they knew it was true. Right now, he was still Kid Danger, so Henry had no choice but to turn to Jasper for the final excruciating stab to his reputation.

"As you can see," Henry started, gesturing to the PearPad being held high by Jasper that showed the SplashFace video of the latest poop attack," in this security camera footage of me...doin' what I love... It's time-stamped, which proves that the exact same time that Kid Danger—whoever he is—was getting his arm broken by Doctor Karaté...I was on the playground."

"Poopin'?" Melvin guessed because he couldn't believe this tall tale. He'd always seen Henry Hart as a sound guy, a little absent from classes, a little more popular with the ladies than he was but still kinda awkward, but not the sort who went around crapping like a cat. It didn't seem right but then again, it took some balls to confess to something like this and he'd only do that if he wasn't Kid Danger, so...

"Yes, Melvin. Thank you. I was poopin'," Henry clarified and it was enough for everyone to break out into grossed-out chuckles, murmuring about how irresponsible, disgusting, inconsiderate and weird he was for getting his kicks out of leaving little presents wherever he went. 

And whilst Henry could feel his school life nosediving, Ray and Schwoz were having the time of their lives, mocking the kid by laughing and doing the sign language for pooping, the works, much to (y/n)'s failed attempts to control them. She was laughing too much to be taken seriously, so her fists beating against her lover's chest were actually very gentle and in the end, she just gave up.

"So, obviously, I, uh, I'm not Kid Danger, okay? Please respect my privacy as I seek help during this difficult time. Thank you," and like a true professional, Henry signed off his little announcement quickly, hoping that he could crawl away to die in some dark hole where nobody could find him, but then, a call came from the student body. And it could only be one person.

"Wait! How did you break your arm then?" Melvin, of course, had to ask and suddenly, Henry had to think on the spot. He hadn't planned an answer for that, he'd just assumed that people would be too busy laughing their asses off to question him anymore, so now he was fighting to stay calm again. Something believable, something realistic, something to get them to back off.

"Yes. How did I break my arm?" Think, Hart, think! Oh, god, bad idea incoming, but it would have to do. "After I...did my thang...I slipped."

"On poop?"

"Yes, Melvin. On poop." Someone kill this kid. Someone unalive him before Henry did because he was just so damn annoying and that wasn't just Henry the entire school thought that. But, as embarrassing as that was to admit as well, the kids took it and started cringing again, but this time, there was mocking as well. It had to happen at some point, but that didn't dull the humiliation anymore, Henry was still dying on the inside.

"Henry's the Playground Pooper and he slipped on his own poop and broke his arm!" Melvin laughed as he pointed at the blond boy, who felt his annoyance spike again because even though he expected to be ridiculed, he wasn't gonna take it from that guy. Yeah, he was now the school weirdo, but he was gonna keep Melvin down at the bottom with him, no matter what. Weirdos together, right?

"No one likes you, Melvin! No one likes you!"

"No further questions," Jasper yanked him away and left the crowd to their amused chattering before Henry damaged his reputation anymore. he turned to face his friends where Ray and Schwoz were still finding the situation hilarious, although Charlotte and (y/n) were behaving much better. Sort of.

"Well, that was humiliating."

"Eh, people will have forgotten about it in a week. Whenever the next kid trips in the canteen with their lunch or when a jock hoists a nerd onto the basketball hoop by their underwear. People will forget, Hen," (y/n) comforted him, although right now, it didn't sink in much. Henry looked over his shoulder to see what felt like hundreds of pairs of eyes on him, boys sniggering, the girls he fancied whispering about him and not in a good way. This was it. His life was officially over but Captain Man and his job were safe. He just wished he could feel a bit better about that.

"I know, I know. High school doesn't last forever, right?" He offered the old saying; he'd survive this because every kid leaves school and with that, they leave their problems behind too.

"Of course. High school doesn't mean shit. When you're out in the real world, no one will care about anything that is said or done within these walls, not even if you were the prettiest cheerleader or the best guy on the football field. Popularity is a myth, don't obsess over it," she told him, knowing that he wouldn't know what she meant until his teen-hood was long behind him and having the clown behind her wasn't helping. 

They were still making fun, laughing about doodies and logs because both of them were five-year-olds and incapable of seeing how it was getting Henry down. Sure, kids would remember this and possibly tell it to their kids to make them laugh, but his life wasn't ruined, far from it.

"Yeah, but... In the Man Cave..."

"What about the Man Cave?" She didn't know how that was relevant because it was safe, right? They'd done what it had taken to keep it safe so she could work out why he was stressing about it. They worked and lived in a happy environment with nothing to worry about, so what had him looking so gaunt and pale as if he'd seen a ghost? What was making those eyes all puppy-dog? What had Henry Hart so concerned about?

"I'm never gonna live this down, am I?" He asked and for that, she had no advice. Knowing her soon-to-be husband and favourite handyman, it would definitely take a while for this joke to dissipate, unless Jasper did something cosmically hilarious in the next five seconds. 

She looked at him with sympathy because she knew it, he knew it. The boys, the girls, everyone wasn't going to let this one go for a while and Henry would just have to tolerate it, another thing to add to the pile of things he tolerated; excessive kissing, wandering hands, endless flirting, mutant experiments in the fridge, never-ending danger and a marriage that kept being talked about even though nothing seemed to be happening. 

"No. No, you're not. In fact, it will probably be still fresh and just as funny at the wedding. Hey, you could put it in your best man's speech!"

"I could put it in my what?!"

[dreaming-of-the-end]

Even Stars Can Fall: Sasha x Anne x Marcy

Comments are better than General Yunan, Scourge of the Sand Wars, Defeater of Ragnar the Wretched, and the youngest newt to ever achieve the rank of general in the great Newtopian Army! 

A/N: The fandom I thought I'd never write for... Well, here we are I suppose. This contains spoilers for season 3, so if you haven't seen Olivia and Yunan yet (or finished season 2, actually) beware!!

TW: slight blood/wounds, ask if there should be more!

Summary: And then Sasha is wrapping her arms around them, and maybe this is the puzzle piece falling into place. Maybe this is the feeling when everything that's empty in you becomes whole.

Taglist: @raedas @venecs (idk who else is into amphibia, but feel free to tell me if you are :))

She's crying.

She's crying, and she can't stop.

Because Marcy is herself again, even if she is slumped in Sasha's arms like a fallen star.

Her breaths are normal again, not raspy like they've been, and they move in a rhythm that Anne has memorized from all the times she'd lie awake at sleepovers, just listening. She knows the harmony of Sasha's snores with Marcy's quiet purrs, knows how their breaths fit together like the pieces in a puzzle.

A puzzle that has had a piece missing for too long.

"Marcy," Anne whispers, tears dripping down her face as she gently shakes her friend's shoulders. Part of her needs to hear her voice again, see her eyes open and know that the Core is gone. "Mar-Mar, wake up."

"She always slept too late, didn't she?" Sasha is crying too, but she's trying to hide it. She uses her free hand to swipe at her eyes, coughing to hide her weak voice. There's a cut on her cheek dripping with blood, but she doesn't seem to notice. "Never wanted to wake up in the morning."

Anne reaches over to wipe at the cut with the only part of her sleeve not covered with dust from the rubble around them, and Sasha winces before she smiles sadly at her. "Thanks."

Their eyes meet for a moment that lasts too long.

A quiet cough rips their gazes apart, and Anne is instantly cupping Marcy's cheek as she comes to, chest shaking as she hacks and wheezes in the slight smoke still remaining from the battle.

"Marcy?" Sasha asks softly, and a tear drips onto her friend's forehead. Sasha brushes it away with a finger as Marcy finally opens her eyes.

They are dark brown and confused and terrified and hers, completely hers again.

"Where am I?" she asks, and her voice may be hoarse but it belongs to her, and Anne bites back a sob at the sound of it, for the first time in weeks.

"Andrias's palace," Anne answers, smiling down at her. "Or... Well, the ruins of it. We may have made a bit of a mess. But that's okay! Because we forgive you, Marcy. We forgive you for everything."

She thinks she will never tire of saying her name. It's like her parent's restaurant food; a taste of home.

But Marcy shakes her head. "Who are you?"

There is a thud in her stomach, and Anne forces a laugh. "Come on, Marcy... It's us."

Marcy stares at her, and fear begins swirling in her chest, shortening her breath, because there is no recognition in those dark brown eyes.

"This is not the time to be making jokes, Mar-Mar," Sasha says, a tinge of disdain in her voice. But Anne knows her well enough to catch what else hides behind her usual annoyed veneer; fear. Maybe even panic. "You almost died. It's not funny."

"Mar-Mar?" Marcy says, and Anne goes numb. "Who's that?"

"You, Marcy," she says desperately. "Don't you remember?"

"Seriously," Sasha snaps. "It's not fucking funny."

"I'm not joking!" Marcy tries to sit up, then lets out a groan and presses her hand to her head. "I have a headache. Symptoms of a concussion are headaches, dizziness, sensitivity to light, nausea or vomiting, mild to severe memory problems, confusion—"

"But you didn't even hit your head," Anne tries, eyes searching for some kind of hidden trick that she missed, one last curse from Andrias or the Core, one last joke the universe decided to play on her. One more thing that had to be taken away, because apparently she hasn't been punished enough. "I know you didn't."

Her eyes drip with tears, and she wipes her face with her sleeve, bringing her knees up to her chest. Sasha sniffles, then tries to cover it with a cough.

Fallen stars fizzle out once they hit the ground. And Marcy was the brightest of all of them.

Marcy slowly shifts out of Sasha's hold. Sasha's hands clench around nothing. "I'm sorry. I just... don't know who you are."

Anne grits her teeth. "Marcy..."

"I don't even know who I am," she says, blinking hard. "I don't know... anything."

Marcy knows everything.

At least, that's what Anne had always thought.

There was no such thing as her being confused. There was no possible reality when she didn't know anything.

And yet...

"I'm so sorry," Anne whispers, blinking her tears away.

Maybe Marcy's eyes belong to her. Maybe her voice is hers again. Maybe her breathing sounds the same as it always has.

But she doesn't have who she is back.

Something else the Core has stolen from her.

Her memories.

"I have to go," Sasha says suddenly, rubbing her eyes with her dirty sleeve. Dirt smears across her cheeks along with remaining blood, but she doesn't seem to care as she stands and nearly runs out of the room.

As if she can't stand to be near this Marcy who is so close to being her friend again, but not quite there.

"Where's she going? What's wrong? Is she hurt? That cut on her cheek looked pretty nasty. How did she get it?" Marcy cranes her neck as the double doors close behind Sasha's fleeing form. "Is she okay?"

Anne brushes back a piece of Marcy's hair unthinkingly, but her friend flinches back, frowning. Anne closes her eyes for a beat before she finds the courage to open them again.

Is she supposed to feel this hollow?

Is she supposed to feel this numb?

"We're going to fix this, Mar-Mar," she says, and part of her throat closes up, because she doesn't know how and Marcy has always been the one with the answers and Anne doesn't know how to find them. How is she supposed to fill the gap in her heart where Marcy's smile is supposed to be? "I promise."

...

"Okay," Sprig says, crossing out another idea as Marcy throws away the empty wrapper. "So eating Gertie's Gnachos didn't bring anything back. Neither did exploring the remains of the ant burrows, following the route of the scavenger hunt Adrias left for you that one time, or talking to Lady Olivia and Yunan, or having a sleepover with Sasha and Anne, or having a sleepover with ME and Anne, or—"

"We get it, Leaf," Sasha interrupts, her voice stretched with something like worry. "Nothing's working."

"My name is Sprig," he reminds her, tucking his notes away in his jacket.

"Whatever. What else is there?" Sasha's fingers tap the hilt of the sword she hasn't removed from her side since that final battle. Anne suspects she showers with it wrapped in a tarp to keep the water from tarnishing the blade, too paranoid to let it far from her sight.

"What if we..." Anne bites her lip as she thinks. Coming up with ideas has never been her specialty. That was always Marcy's job. "...Set her cape on fire?"

"What?" Marcy yelps, jumping back and almost falling. She catches herself before she trips, and Anne wants to cry at the way she's changed. Where's her Marcy, the one who fell on her face every other minute? "You are not setting me on fire. Well. Although. If it's absolutely necessary for an experiment..."

"I think there's only one thing left to do," Lady Olivia says quietly. She had insisted on coming along so they didn't wander the city alone, but her eyes track Marcy's movements so intently that Anne suspects she wants the real Marcy back as much as she does.

Sasha shakes her head. "It might be too much if her memories do come back while she's down there."

"Down..." Anne gulps. "In the dungeon? Where it..."

"Where it happened," Olivia confirms softly. She glances at Marcy, who is staring at them without comprehension. "It's our only chance."

Sasha reaches for the hilt of her sword almost unconsciously before she withdraws her hand guiltily. "Anne?"

Anne blinks. She's almost so used to Sasha taking control that she doesn't have an answer prepared.

But she looks at Sasha, and her eyes are shadowed with something that she can't name.

Maybe Sasha has stopped trusting herself.

Anne knows the feeling well enough.

But Marcy doesn't even know what their trust looks like anymore. She doesn't know what it feels like to grab someone's hand right before falling from a tower. She doesn't remember what it's like to push her friends into a portal home and risk her life staying behind.

She doesn't know who she is. She doesn't know what they've done for each other.

So Anne nods. "I think that's the only choice left."

...

The walk to the dungeon is slow, but they arrive right before Anne starts second-guessing this decision.

Anne reaches for Marcy's hand before she remembers who they've become and steps back.

"I'll go first," Sasha says, pushing ahead of them to lift open the trapdoor. She unsheathes her sword, her hand shaking slightly. Her boots clack loudly on the steps as she leads the way down into the darkness.

Anne and Olivia exchange a glance, and Marcy follows Sasha down before they move forward to join them.

The journey is shaky and dark, the only light coming from Anne's phone flashlight and the lantern Olivia holds. Marcy doesn't make a sound, and Anne can't tell if it's because her missing memories are coming back or if it's because she doesn't know what to say.

Sasha swears up ahead, and they emerge a second later to see a large cavern.

A large cavern, and a chair, and the tank behind them. It is drained of all its fluid that brought Marcy back to life, but Anne still gives a shiver at the sight. The room is mostly in ruins from the battles, yet it seems similar enough for Marcy to stumble back.

"Do you remember who I am?" Anne asks quickly, reaching for her, but Marcy snatches her hands away.

She tamps the sting deep, deep down.

"I..." Marcy starts, and stops. She rubs her head, swaying from side to side for a moment before she steadies. "No. I'm sorry. I just... something is familiar. Like deja vu. Deja vu. The illusion of remembering scenes and events when experienced for the first time."

"So you remember being here before?" Sasha asks hopefully, fists clenching and unclenching at her sides as she eyes their surroundings warily. "Like, can we get out? I don't... like being down here."

"Not... quite," Marcy says, taking a step back. Her heel catches on a loose piece of rubble, and she begins to fall back, arms windmilling at her sides.

It's only reflex for Anne to catch her by the shoulders and steady her.

It's only instinct for her to say, "Mar-Mar! Be careful!"

And maybe it's only habit, but Marcy shoots back, "I know, I know, thanks!"

They freeze.

Or, more accurately, Marcy goes limp in Anne's arms, and she freezes so her friend won't fall.

"Marcy? Are you okay?"

Marcy opens her eyes, and they are filled with tears. "Anne?"

Her voice is hers. Her eyes belong to her.

Anne's breaths are unsteady as her eyes begin to well up.

Sasha's sword falls to the ground with a clatter.

"Mar-Mar?"

And then Sasha is wrapping her arms around them, and maybe this is the puzzle piece falling into place. Maybe this is the feeling when everything that's empty in you becomes whole.

Marcy smiles, and the light from Olivia's lantern seems dimmer in comparison.

Marcy laughs through her tears, and it is croaky and ugly and her, it's her and them and...

And Anne had forgotten how it felt to feel like this. To feel invincible, like she can do anything, be anyone, accomplish anything.

"Sasha," Marcy half-sobs. "Anne."

And damn, if that isn't the most beautiful sound she's ever heard.

"You're back," Sasha murmurs into Marcy's shoulder. "You're here."

Anne can't stop crying.

She doesn't want to.

[keanureevesisbae]

sugar sugar - the wedding

Summary: It's Becky and Henry's wedding day 🥰

Sugar Daddy!Henry Cavill x Becky Kim (asian OFC)

Warnings: Daddy kink, anal play, sex, mention of squirting, overstimulation (just what they usually do lol)

Wordcount: 2.4k

Masterlist // Sugar Sugar Masterlist // Sugar Sugar the wedding Masterlist // Previous chapter //

Today is the day. Henry is gonna marry the love of his life. When he kissed her for a short goodbye this morning, he was dragged away by Gino and Peter, who were gonna help him get ready.

Since Becky couldn’t decide who she wanted to be her maid of honor, both of her friends stepped up to the task, which caused Gino and Peter to share the duties of best men as well. He is standing at the end of the aisle, waiting for her to enter. He exchanges a look with Sehun, with whom he became good friends. He loves seeing Becky and her dad reconnect and she actually calls him a lot, even for tasks Henry himself can fix.

For example helping her with building a cabinet or something else she bought from Ikea. Normally she’d turn to Henry, but now she is quick to ask her dad for help and orders Henry , in case her dad asks, to pretend he is too busy with work to help her out.

The two of them are actively working on their bond and it warms his heart to see Becky hug her dad tightly, have their own little inside jokes and simply have the father-daughter relationship she always wanted.

The music changes and Henry looks up from Sehun, only to see Becky in her wedding dress. To describe her as breathtakingly perfect is not even enough. Her long black locks are slightly curled at the bottom of the strands, the dress hugs her in all the right places and the soft smile toying on her lips is enough to make him feel all sorts of things.

To make sure Genevieve wouldn’t nag his head off, he promised her that he would be slightly emotional when Becky would walk down the aisle, however now that she actually is walking towards him, the tears burn in his eyes. He feels the hot tear rolling over his cheek and he is quick to wipe it away.

She holds out her hand and he is quick to take it, helping her up the tiny stairs. ‘Wow,’ he says, ‘you’re gorgeous.’

‘Thank you,’ she says. ‘You look so handsome.’ She places her hand on his chest and smiles. ‘I love you,’ she mouths towards him.

‘I love you too.’

The two of them (and Genevieve) decided that the speech shouldn’t be too long, mostly because Becky said that she hates long speeches that seemed to never end. Henry barely listens anyway, because he is too enthralled, looking at his soon to be wife.

He sure is lucky.

When it’s time for the vows, Becky folds open her paper. She clears her throat a few times, looking up at him.

Oh, look at that, she’s nervous. Henry nods, a simple gesture to encourage her.

‘Growing up,’ she then says, ‘I missed out on a lot and though the dreams of meeting someone, get married and start a life together were what kept me going at the time, deep down I kinda knew it would never happen to me. No love, no care, no someone who would unconditionally show me what affection exactly entailed. Never in a million years did I think I would meet a guy like you.’

Henry squeezes in her hand as he notices the tears burning in her eyes.

‘You’re everything I ever wished for and even more than that. Henry, I know I tell you this a lot, but… Thank you for barging into my life, for completely changing it, for helping me to become a better version of myself, for believing in me and for always loving me. I don’t think I could say that I would be where I am now if it weren’t for you. I love you.’

He brings her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss on it, before grabbing his own piece of paper. Shit, he shouldn’t cry, but seeing the things he wants to say to her, is making him slightly teary. ‘Sweet Becky,’ he says, ‘believe it or not, but I accepted the fact that I would die a single man, however you changed my life for the better. I think it started with that sweet smile of yours, when I realized I never ever wanted to live another day without you. The fact it took so long before the two of us finally got together, is all my fault and I totally take the blame for that one.’

She chuckles.

‘I love you, Becky and I promise you I will take good care of you, love you forever and ever and try to be the best husband I can be for you, though you deserve so much better.’

They slide on the rings and when he finally hears the words: ‘You may kiss the bride,’ he doesn’t waste a second before pressing a loving kiss on her lips. Their first kiss as husband and wife.

‘I love you,’ he whispers against her lips. ‘I love you so much, Becky.’

‘I love you too, Henry,’ she says. ‘And I’ll forever do that.’

✤ ✤ ✤

Genevieve wouldn’t be Genevieve if she wouldn’t speech at the wedding reception. ‘Okay,’ she says, ‘if I can have your attention, please.’

The seventy guests they invited are all quiet and Genevieve gracefully thanks them.

‘I have known Becky for quite a few years now and let’s just say that she was hitting rock bottom at a very tender age.’

‘Gen,’ Becky says, frowning and pouting a little.

‘I promise you, it’ll be a lovely speech.’ Genevieve clears her throat and says: ‘She was always happy, but there was always this certain… How do I say this? Emptiness to it. Like her life didn’t have the right seasoning. But then this lady met Henry and lemme tell you: I was very jealous at first. Greg, honey, no offense, but damn, I was this close of leaving you.’

‘You and me both, baby,’ Greg chuckles.

‘The thing between these two, was that there was this spark, something they had yet to discover themselves. I mean, the two of them spend Christmas and the universe what other festive days together and didn’t confess their undying love for one another. How oblivious do you want it?’

Becky places her hand on Henry’s and with his thumb of his other hand, he caresses her wedding ring.

‘So, when these two finally admitted their love for each other, they are just disgusting as you can imagine. I hate it, but love it at the same time. You know, our sweet Becky deserves the world and Henry is the only one that comes even remotely close to what she deserves.’

‘Aw, that’s so sweet,’ Becky says.

‘Mister Sehun, kind sir, please cover your ears, because I’m gonna say something about your daughter you might not like.’

‘Gen, I swear to—’ Becky starts, while Sehun covers his ears and that’s when Genevieve says: ‘These two fuck like bunnies and honestly no one can tip to their sex life. I can know, I caught them once, but that’s all I’m gonna say about the matter.’

Becky looks over to Henry, who can’t hide his smirk, because it’s kinda funny. He presses a kiss on her temple and Genevieve gestures to Sehun to uncover his ears, as the rest of the crowd starts to laugh.

‘In conclusion, these two are everything every couple wants to be, but never will be. I’m so forever grateful that Becky found herself a good man and Henry should know that this woman is a once in a life opportunity. No matter how intense and intimidating he looks, I’ll make sure Greg will try and kick your delicious looking ass.’

Becky shakes her head, as she starts to laugh. ‘I appreciate it, Gen. Thank you.’

The afternoon turns into the night and after multiple dances, the married couple stands near the side, admiring the guests dance around. After it turned out that Sehun was a wonderful dancer, Gen and Viola pried him away from Becky to dance with him as well.

Henry wraps his arms around Becky’s waist, pressing a kiss on her temple as he gently sways her on the rhythm of the music. ‘Daddy can’t wait for all those people to go,’ Henry whispers in her ear.

‘And why is that?’ she asks, placing her hands on his.

‘Because I need to show you how much I love you, especially since you’re my wife now.’

‘Your wife,’ she says in a content tone. ‘Sounds amazing, you know?’

‘I can easily get used to it,’ he says. ‘Mrs. Cavill.’

✤ ✤ ✤

The door of their hotel suite has only shut for a second, when Henry says: ‘As gorgeous as you look in your wedding dress, I need you to take it off.’

Becky bats her eyes, as if she doesn’t understand why. ‘Why?’

‘Because you are my wife now and I need you.’ He takes off his tie and throws it to the corner of the room. ‘Fuck, baby, I need you so bad.’

‘Then you need to help me out of this thing, because I can’t reach the back.’

‘My pleasure.’ He unzips the dress and he presses a kiss on her bare shoulder. ‘I love you, baby girl.’

‘I love you too,’ she whispers. ‘I really do.’

Oh, does he love that tone. He turns her around as the dress slides down her body. ‘You’re not wearing a bra, baby girl?’

‘It has cups in it,’ she explains, as Henry explores her body with his hands. ‘Don’t look at me like that,’ Becky chuckles. ‘Honey, you’ve seen me naked before.’

‘I indeed do,’ he says, ‘but I haven’t seen you naked as my wife yet.’

‘Is it different?’

He nods. ‘In such a good way. I’m so in love with you and your beautiful body. Fuck,’ he mumbles, wrapping his fingers around the waistband of her underwear and pulls it down. ‘We’re married now, baby girl.’

‘I know,’ she chuckles. ‘Daddy, please make love to me.’

‘Make love?’ he asks with a chuckle. ‘I don’t know about that.’

She bites her bottom lip, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. ‘Well, let’s get you out of that suit first, okay?’

✤ ✤ ✤

Henry cannot help but completely worship Becky’s body, even as she shivers next to him on the bed. His chest is covered in her juices, as she squirted all over him as she was riding him. As she is on her stomach, her legs a little shaky and a thin layer of sweat on her back, he opens the bedside table. ‘I brought something, sweetheart.’

‘What is it?’ he hears her ask, while he pulls her up by her hips. She rests on her knees and knows exactly how to arch her back.

Shit, and this woman is his wife now.

‘It’s your favorite,’ he whispers, spreading her ass cheeks apart, brushing the cold tip over her puckered hole. She moans out loud as he slowly pushes it in. ‘Fuck, you take it so well.’ He smacks her bottom and not wasting anymore time, he thrusts his painfully hard member deep inside of her. Her hands clench into fists, as she holds on tightly on the sheets.

‘Daddy, you feel so good,’ he hears her whine. The room is filled with her moans, the nearly obscene sounds of her wet pussy and the slapping of skin against skin.

‘You feel good too, baby girl. Fuck, you’re my wife now.’ He holds tightly onto her waist, before he pulls out and turns her over. He pushes some of her hair out of her face. ‘Mrs. Cavill,’ he says, placing his hand on her cheek.

She chuckles. ‘That’s me.’

‘You’re so beautiful.’ He spreads her legs and pushes himself back into her sensitive hole. Her velvet walls wrap around his hard member and he gives her a kiss.

The night seems endless, but definitely not in a bad way. He watches her fall apart over and over again and she takes shaky breaths, hoping to regulate a bit, as she shudders underneath him.

‘How many times have you cum, baby?’ he asks, stilling his movements, to press a kiss on her cheek. ‘Tell daddy.’

‘F- Fo- Four times.’

‘Want to make that five times,’ he starts, ‘before I fill you up?’

She lets out a dragged moan, pushing her nails in his arms. ‘Please, daddy,’ she begs.

Becky is on the verge of crying as he slowly builds up the speeds of his thrusts. He watches tears running over her cheeks, but he recognizes it. He knows she’s not in discomfort, merely being so sensitive and overstimulated. As long as she doesn’t safe word or he deems it necessary to stop, he will continue.

‘You’re doing so good for me, baby girl,’ he whispers, kissing the tears away. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ she whimpers. ‘You’re amazing.’ He pounds deep inside of her and her moans are becoming louder and more desperate. ‘I can’t anymore, daddy.’

‘Tell me the word and I’ll stop.’

She doesn’t. ‘I’m tired.’

‘That’s not the word.’

Becky wraps her arms around him and gives him a kiss. ‘Are you close, daddy?’

‘I am,’ he whispers. ‘Where do you want it? Still inside, darling?’

She nods, while her walls clench around him and that’s when he spills his seed. He buries his face in her neck, his lips salty as he kisses her sweaty skin, whilst riding out his high. He has stilled his movements and asks if she’s okay.

‘Just catching my breath,’ Becky chuckles, clinging against him.

‘Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth, sweetheart.’ She laughs and he gives her a kiss. ‘You did well. Daddy’s proud of you.’

✤ ✤ ✤

Genevieve: I think you two forgot I have the room below you in the hotel

Genevieve: Goodness me, how long were you at it?

Viola: Two hours and forty seven minutes

Viola: Yes, I timed, because I had a room above you and even I could hear it

Genevieve: Since we were in on the fun, you should at least give us the details

Becky: No

Genevieve: You’re no fun

Viola: I think this was just a preview of what they are gonna do on their honeymoon

Genevieve: Oh right, the honeymoon on the sex island

Becky: You guys…

Viola: The NAKED honeymoon on the sex island

✤ ✤ ✤

Becky’s wedding dress

[puckngrind]

Marry Me 2- J. Toews

Song Inspiration: Marry Me by Jason Derulo

Warning: swearing, smut, fluff

Word count: 2529

Marry Me part 1

“Greece.” Jon shoves his latest breakfast concoction in his mouth and looks over at you.

“Greece, like the country, my hair, or your food?” You run your fingers through your hair checking. This makes your fiancé laugh.

“For our wedding?” He swallows hard and you clear your throat trying not to focus on how the morning Chicago sun is accentuating every curve you love on his naked torso.

“Really? You want to get married in Greece?” He shrugs his shoulders and takes another bite. “How about somewhere near Winnipeg?”

“Like where?” His eyes flicker almost challenging you to come up with the ideal wedding spot.

“Isn’t there some botanical gardens? Maybe the lake?” He sees your lips curving in a mischievous smile.

“Which lake?” He mumbles.

“I would say Toews but how do you get guests out there?” You giggle.

“Funny. The lakes near home aren’t bad. Beach sounds better.” Jon stands to refill your coffee and place his dish in the sink.

“Or the mountains. Or here?” You made your way to the window looking out to the city you made your home 2 years prior. “It’s where our love story started you know?” Jon’s arms wrap around you and you feel his breath on your ear.

“I know baby. I love the idea of getting married here but it would be a media nightmare don’t you think?” He kisses the top of your head as you lean back into his chest.

“Yeah.” You huff out. Why the location of your wedding was something the two of you could not come up with was becoming frustrating with each passing week. Your close circle of friends and family almost immediately started asking. Plans couldn’t be made without a location. You twirled your engagement ring mindlessly while the two of you took in the morning view of the city in silence.

“You shoeless on a beach with your dress shirt buttoned down does sound sexy.” You whisper breaking the silence.

“And sweaty as hell in July.” Jon laughs pulling you to the couch.

“True.” That was the only thing you knew for sure. The wedding was going to be in July. After playoffs and before Jon revs up his training for the next season. It was maybe your favorite month with him. “Park City?”

“Utah?” Jon runs his fingers down your arm.

“We went there for All-Star break. Those mountains are gorgeous and I’m sure they aren’t as busy off season.”

“I don’t hate that (y/n).” Without prompting he reached for your phone and handed it to you. Typing away you looked up weddings in Park City in the summer. “If that doesn’t work, maybe the zoo will take us?”

“Don’t you joke Mr. Toews! You know I love the giraffes.” You run your hand over his neck tickling it and he stops you. Turning your body with one quick motion. All wedding plans left forgotten.

“Hmmm....” Jon’s eyes went wide as he pulled you onto his lap and attaches his lips to you in an almost desperation that came out of nowhere. “We should just elope. Do it this weekend and plan the honeymoon instead.” He moans as you run your fingers through his hair.

“J, really?” You catch his lips as they make their way up your jaw.

“No but planning the honeymoon is all mine m’kay?” He bites your lip but you pull away and slide down to the floor pulling his boxers and shorts down with you. His cock springs free and you kiss down his shaft.

“Wedding planning did this huh?” You glide your hand over the tip and down his length.

“Fuck (y/n).” Jon’s breath hitches as your tongue follows your hand. “You did this baby.” His thumb runs down your jaw as you take him in. The sounds that escape his mouth make you work faster. You feel his hands grab at you making you stop and look up. Jon’s eyes are trained on you. “Get up here.” He breathes out as he leans forward pulling you up from the floor. Placing you on his knees he pulls his old playoff shirt off your body and his legs spread apart enough for his fingers to dip inside your folds with ease. “Wedding planning did this huh?” His eyebrow shoots up taking note of how wet you were.

“You baby. You did this.” You mock his words from moments ago and giggle. With that his hands wrap around your hips picking you up and sliding you onto him in one fluid motion. “Jon.” You moan out as familiar stretch sends a shockwave through your body. Your fiancé wastes no time thrusting hard up into you while pulling you down into him. Finding that perfect rhythm you loved so much. Your hands graze his chest and you feel his muscles tighten with every move. He doesn’t let up and the animalistic sounds escaping his mouth tell you he’s about there. Your finger finds your clit and you press into him.

“Fuck that’s the spot.” Jon whisper yells in your ear. His thrusts are shorter and then the wave crashes down on both of you. You ride out your highs and fall into him. His hand coming up to pull your chin up to kiss your lips. “Damn.”

“Yeah.” You coo laying your head on his chest and listening to his heart beat out of his chest.

“Shedd?” He whispers.

“Shedd?” You lean up and look at him. His face is lit up like a kid at Christmas.

“Yeah. The Aquarium. It’s the perfect venue.” He pulls your lips to his again.

“You aren’t wrong. No worry about the weather. It’s here so planning will be easier...”

“Security to keep the wedding private. And sea life!” You see the excitement in his eyes.

“I’m thinking you might need to be the one to make the call. Use your status since I stole the most eligible Chicagoan bachelor off the market.” You pop up and he whimpers. “What?”

“I thought my idea would get a round 2?” He bites his lip and you hand him the phone.

“Make the call and meet me in the shower. Your success will determine if you get a reward.” You dip down to retrieve your shirt and head to the bathroom.

“Fuck I love you woman!” Jon shouts still sitting on the couch naked. You took your time getting in the shower. Start to let the mirror steam up before getting in. Jon joins you maybe 10 minutes later.

“So?” You question.

“How does July 4th weekend sound? They will have fireworks over the lake during the reception.” He crowds you letting the warm water run down his sweaty body.

“I don’t hate it.” You kiss his lips.

“Good because I already said yes.” He pulls your legs up to wrap around him.

“Now we need to actually plan this thing.” You kiss his shoulder and look into his eyes.

“After I get my reward.”

You weren’t sure how planning during the season would go but Jon made sure you utilized his down time for the important things. Gluten free cake was maybe the hardest thing to find but when your favorite bakery, Defloured, got wind the wedding was happening in town they sent over samples. It was falling into place. Jon’s brother, David, to be his best man and Savannah your maid of honor. The perfect dress was the second one you tried on. The only thing you left to Jon to do on his own was the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon.

“Rainforest is good for the rehearsal right?” Jon asked over FaceTime during a long road trip.

“Uh...um....”

“I’m joking Baby.” Jon’s face lit up seeing your reaction. He ended up reserving the same restaurant you met and got engaged in during that road trip. The honeymoon he wasn’t telling you anything and had Savannah pack your bags for the trip.

“Don’t worry. All the sexy stuff we bought is nicely hidden in your bag.” Savannah joked emerging from your bedroom with your luggage all packed.

“It’s getting real Sav.” You lifted your head to see the size of the bag. Warmer weather meant smaller bag. Colder weather meant larger. The medium sized piece you owned was sitting by the door. No help.

“Mrs. Toews...eta...2 days! Now let’s get checked into our bridal suite and hit the town?” She grabbed the smaller overnight bag you packed for the next 2 days, your rehearsal dress, and kicked at your feet to get you to move. Looking around you realized the next time you stepped foot in this condo would be after the honeymoon. Jon most likely carrying you in as promised when you refused to let him do it a year before after buying it.

“Should I expect you to cry tomorrow?” Jon leaned into you at dinner pressing his lips to your temple.

“I don’t actually know.” You scanned the room to see your families and wedding party carrying on in the place that brought you to Jon. “Maybe a good answer?” His smile reached his eyes.

“Same.” His fingers intertwined with yours. “I’m so damn happy to make you officially my family.” Those words were ringing in your ears the next morning as you heard a knock on the door. Jon sent room service to you with a gift.

“Open it!” Savannah shoved a piece of toast in her mouth and the box in your hand. Inside a monogrammed necklace with your’s and Jon’s initials flanking a script T. Your wedding date engraved down it. The scribbled note from Jon said: Today, we become one. I cannot wait to make you mine forever. I love you with all that I am. I’ll see you down the aisle. I’ll be the one in the navy tux. Always, J

A tear and a laugh leave your body in unison.

“What’s so funny?” Savannah questions.

“I ended my note to him the same way but I wrote, ‘I’ll be the one in the fancy white dress.”

“You two are couple goals and make me want to puke all at the same time.” She giggles. “Now let’s get you a new last name Love!”

Before you knew it you were in the car in front of Shedd. You’ve heard enough stories and have seen enough brides to know there were a few types especially the day of. The bridezilla you were not. Savannah assured you she would let you know if that was the case. You excepted to be nervous and you weren’t. Sitting in the car waiting to be told you could head in caused you to stare down at your bouquet thinking about how excited you were to marry the love of your life. A calmness about the thought made a tear come to your eye. Blinking it back you glanced back up. That’s when you saw him. Your soon to be husband crossing the large window.  Look of determination you see so many time when he’s working.

“I just saw him. Is that bad luck?” You blurted out and Savannah laughed at you.

“No. You saw him in the tux at the last fitting remember? It’s bad luck to see the bride.” Of course your man was old school in traditions even though the photographer begged to do a first glance. Jon ensured the photographer there was enough appetizers and booze to keep the guests entertained plus the aquarium itself that you could do all the couple pictures post ceremony. “Ok, let’s get you hitched!” Savannah announced snapping you out of thoughts.  Walking in the plans and dreams and visions had all come alive.  You were greeted by the aquarium team you worked with and ushered to no one got a look at you especially your man.  

The music started.  Your father took you by the arm. 

“It’s go time!”  Savannah turns around and holds your hand.  “I’ll see you down there.”  She stepped out in view and made her way down the aisle.  The music changed and you inhale.  

“Ready Princess?”  Your dad’s voice was steady.  He leads you to the door and that’s when you see Jon and only Jon.  His eyes trained on you like you two are the only two in the room.  The sound of everyone standing only slightly distracts you from the love of your life.  Time seem to stand still in that moment.  You finished walking to the front and Jon walked down to meet you.  Shook your dad’s hand as they passed your hand from one to the other.

“(Y/n) you look gorgeous.”  Jon presses forward but stops short to ensure he doesn’t kiss you.

“You look so very handsome J, even with that tear in your eye.” You whisper back and a soft laugh is shared.  Savannah grabs your bouquet and Jon takes both you hands.  

The ceremony was perfect.  You exchanged vows, promised to love each other forever in front of all of your people.

“And now by the power vested in me by the State of Illinois, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.”  The officiant declares and cheers erupt.  “Jonathan, you may now kiss your bride.” “Finally!” Jon laughs and pulls you into him, dips you down and kisses you.  Bringing you back up his forehead lands on yours.  “You are officially Mrs. Toews Baby.”  The smirk made you smile.  

“Can you two start walking so we can start the party?”  Savannah leaned in handing you the bouquet back.  Those in ear shot laugh.

“Friends and Family,” The officiant announces.  “I have the pleasure of presenting to you for the first time Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan and (Y/N) Toews.”  Jon lifts your joined hands and your guests clap.  

Someone yells out “Get it Cap!”  as the two of you walk back down the aisle as husband and wife.  Jon stops you at the entry way and pulls you back into him kissing you more passionately. 

Pictures, first dance, fireworks over the water.  The night was perfect and you rarely left each other’s side.

“Can you finally tell me where we are going tomorrow?”  You lean into Jon while finishing dinner.

“Nope.”  he pops the p and gives you that look.  “Maybe after cake?”  He stands and leads you over.  

“Remember, we are feeding each other.”  You look up at him as you slice your shared piece.  Jon laughs.  You were worried he would just take a bite himself.  He assured you that he knew the etiquette and joked which teammate would forget to feed their new wife.  Placing the cake in his mouth he licks your thumb and smiles.  “Greece.”  He whispers.

“What?”  You lick the remaining icing off your finger.

“Our honeymoon is in Greece.”  He kisses you and you feel the excitement of your trip Jon planned.  “Now when can we leave the people and Belugas to start our wedding night huh?”

“Jon!”  You know you are blushing.

“What, I’ve never slept with a married woman before.  Sounds fun.”  He kisses you again.  Before you can say anything he stops you.  “I love you Mrs. Toews.”  

“I love you too Mr. Toews.  I’ll love you forever.”

[halfgclden]

EPISODE 32: A MAJOR OCCURANCE

The sound of spooky intro music plays and fades out. As the microphone clicks on, faint sounds of water and traffic can be heard in the background.

JADE: Hello cryptwizzlers, cryptrackers, but never cryptormentors because we’re all friends here. Welcome to a very special episode of Cryptwins in which we are not actually researching a cryptid. But! Before you shut this off and call us hacks, we are instead researching the recent disappearance of social media fitness guru; Edison Major.

More spooky music plays. There is also the sound of fingers tapping a rhythm. It's typical Joel, unable to contain his energy as he taps the dashboard in time with their intro music.

JOEL: Weeeeeeeell...Maybe we are hacks. —a pause as he laughs— Nah, just kidding. This is the real deal. I'm not sure you're ready for this. This is some spooky, and excuse my French, spooky shit. Tell us more about this Major disappearance? —another laugh— Get it?

JADE: [A short laugh-sigh is let out at Joel’s joke.] Okay, before we begin, two things. One, get ready for the barrage of major and minor jokes, courtesy of Joel here.

JOEL: Got a whole list, be ready! He lets Jade finish, but listeners can still hear the tapping sound while she speaks.

JADE: Secondly, we’re still on the road here, so if the audio is bad or choppy... deal with it? —another small laugh— Anyyyyway. Spooky is right. This all began in September of last year, when @majored posted a picture of himself in a dark basement wearing a weird costume and then immediately went off the grid. And, you know, I’m all for a social media cleanse, people do it all the time. Buuut, what really brought this to our attention was a month later, on Halloween Eve of all nights, when a video popped up of him getting his ass kicked by someone in a Kakashi Hatake costume.

JOEL: Now, I know y'all are asking yourselves "Isn't he a fitness guru? Why was some weeb kickin' his ass?" And to that I say hey! Some weebs are strong, some are Super Saiyan, and others are Kakashi Hatake, the most talented ninja in Konohagukure.

JADE: lets out a laughing wheeze.

JOEL: We don't endorse fighting here. But I digress —a laugh— back on topic. So this guy just up and disappears out of nowhere? And there's not a peep of him until we see Kakashi givin’ him the business. What does this all mean?

JADE: Okay, so, let’s get the full story. @majored goes off the grid, comes back to get his ass kicked by a Naruto character, disappears again, comes back to spit on someone and call them a see you next Tuesday, and then disappears again. And he hasn’t come back online. So what’s up with that? Well... we did a little digging.

Another spooky noise plays over the sound of Jade organizing a stack of papers.

JOEL: Daaaaaaang. I’d say those are some fightin' words, especially from someone who keeps pulling a vanishing act, don’t ya think?

JADE: They really are! I mean, he is from New Zealand, but even so, I think you don’t use that word unless you want to attract some attention. -She clicks her tongue as she gets back on topic- The video was originally posted the night before Halloween of last year, by @ime.are on Twitter. Obviously they got a lot of hate and questions after posting this, but all of them were left unanswered. The only person in the video that was tagged was Major, but upon further examination, this Ime seems to follow and have pictures with someone who happened to be dressed as Kakashi that same night, which has led many to speculate that these ninjas are the same person.

JOEL: So we all know Halloween's a spooooky season. Perfect for parties and all that jazz. But all those costumes make it a perfect time for disguises. Was that even the real Major? Was the person who spit the real Major? Who is this Ime and how do they fit into the story? And who— a pause for dramatic effect and muffled laughter as he tries to stay serious— is this mystery ninja? Tell us more!

JADE: Alright, alright. So this mystery ninja goes by Abel, or @_kllledbycain on the Gram. At first glance, they look pretty much like every other TikTok e-boy; black and white photos, pet snake, the insinuation that they’re dead, whole nine yards.

JOEL: snorts when Jade announces their handle, and again at her eboy comment, wheezing. It's true, it's true!

JADE: And this stuff is so common right now, so nothing really raises any eyebrows, right? Right? Well, tell me, why would a Tik Tok goth go around beating the crap out of a random influencer? Stay tuned for the theory. First, we’re gonna take a step back and look at the whole situation, because, of course, it doesn’t end there.

JOEL: Ohhhh snap! I'm on the edge of my seat, and I bet our listeners are too.

JADE: [clears her throat] So if we go back to the original poster of the video, @ime.are, and we take a look at their Insta, who is on it but... @devinitely? Okay, so @devinitely is in the same place as @majored, clearly, and, for anyone that doesn’t know, she’s been doing a bunch of collabs with @loganvance. This places not one, not two, but three influencers all together in this place where weebs are running around assaulting people.

JOEL: Okay. Okay, I need to know! Where are they? What's bringing all these influencers together? Are @devinitely and @loganvance part of something much more sinister than it seems? [He makes a funny face at Jade and wiggles his fingers, before dropping his voice to a stage-whisper.] Is it some kind of twisted influencer cult?

JADE: Shhhh, Joel, spoilers.

JOEL: [He laughs.] Sorry, sorry!

JADE: [muffled laughter over the sound of more papers rustling.] So, any skeptics out there might say, oh, well, this Ime Are is just a lucky person who happens to be in the presence of more than one social media personality. However, Devin follows the weeb that may or may not have kicked Major's ass. And, according to a cast photo of Rocky Horror, on her boyfriend's Instagram, both the weeb in question and the hot man that tore the two apart were part of the cast. This would be a great time to mention that a link to the video is in the description, as are all the pictures from social media that I'm referencing.

JOEL: [to Jade but loud enough for the mic to pick it up at regular volume] Oh snap, you got everything together in a link? Like, I could click the link to check it out right now? — A pause as he does just that.— Woah, cryptwizzlers, she's not kidding. Click the link in bio, you won't be disappointed. Okay, Jade...hear me out. Given that it was Halloween, the night of nights. Do you think that...maybe it was all an elaborate event? Was it staged? Is any of this real?

JADE: Oh, my dear brother, always the skeptic. Don’t you think that it’s a bit much for him to stop posting entirely in order to get publicity? And we mustn’t forget the spitting on someone in South Dakota, that’s not exactly his brand. Unless he’s trying out something like Taylor Swift and Reputation but... I digress. No, I don’t think any of this is staged, and I’ll tell you why. Let’s go back to the weird cow print basement post. You know who also happened to post something about some cowboy party? Oh, um, Devin’s boyfriend? A picture of him, Devin, and Logan? Which... puts them and Major in the same place on the night that he disappeared.

JOEL: Not a skeptic! Just trying to get all these questions answered. —A laugh— You're right, that's 180 from the online presence he used to have. All theories aside, —a pause— I'd love to go to a cowboy party. Get me a glow-in-the-dark cowboy hat. You know they make 'em. —He laughs again, mouthing 'what?' to Jade.—

JADE: Oh, def. We're getting matching hats. Check out our merch in a few weeks —she laughs— Glow in the dark mothman themed cowboy hats, talk about a niche.

JOEL: Snap, we have to do that now, 'cause I want one real bad. But okay, back on track. This cowboy party. The origin of this theory, yeah? Oh snap...what were those three doing in the same place as Major? And all in cow print too? That's....majorly suspicious! [He trails off into laughter, his voice doing that wheezy thing when someone's trying to finish their sentence before cracking up. Recovering, he adds the following.] Wait, wait, wait. What about—

JADE: Yes, yes, yes. —she cuts Joel off as though he's finished his sentence, chuckling at his joke— Patience, my dear twin, we will get there. —the smile is evident in her voice—

JOEL: I feel like somehow, I ended up as your Padawan for this episode. — he laughs—

JADE: You heard it here, I'm absolutely schooling Joel this episode. — she laughs— First, we're going to backtrack all the way to the original poster again. You know we snooped their whole page, and they're pretty regularly posting pictures with this person, @rengaaay, who isn't an influencer but she makes some of those sick ass roller skating videos... this isn't sus, just cool, link in the description. —a slight pause as she tries to get back to her train of thought— Anyway, what is sus is that she tags two people in her photos all the time... But no joke guys check out their Insta profiles they look different in like every other picture. Which, uh, could just be editing but also could be something.... more sinister? Hold onto that thought.

JOEL: That's such a good handle, dang! Better than @lumberjoel, honestly. I have to say I'm jelly. We should get branded rollerskates, maybe @rengaaay can advertise for us if we ship them. JK...unless? —more laughter as he waits for Jade to get back on the train and pulls up the profiles in question to take a look for himself— Huh...is it editing? Are they masters of disguise? Makeup professionals? —He starts to say something else but is pretty sure he's figured out where Jade's going with this.— What could be more sinister than human chameleons?

JADE: [The sound of papers shuffling can be heard] Oh, yeah, so, it's weird but I think every time the siblings are in a pic together they look more like each other? I dunno if this really makes sense but seriously dudes check the post with this episode because it has a bunch of photos side by side and... yeah. You pull a photo of them by themself and it's like okay, I know what this dude looks like and then you put them side by side and... I dunno, makeup? Contacts? Cloning, mayhaps? And, just so that I'm not just holding on to one thing too much... check their post from August 12th, linked below. Their brother... doesn't have a shadow. Why would you edit that out of a photo? No way are they going that hard to be memelords.

JOEL: Okay, let me look at this. Wha— That's weird as hell. How much hair dye do these two use? Hm. Could be clones? —snaps his fingers—Definitely clones. —he snorts loudly, laughing before clearing his throat— Ahem, uh. No shadow? That's dedication! I dunno, maybe it's some new challenge for the 'gram. Oh...but wait. I found a video. Look, Jade. No shadow. In a video. What the—

JADE: A video, guys. —A moment of muffled laughter before her mic cuts out, but the sound of it clicking on again is followed almost immediately— This is a big family, guys, and a big weird one because their other brother @sleepyfinch... Okay, wait, he himself is pretty normal, super cute, shout out, but guys, ghouls, you know who he has tagged in a recent post? Yet another influencer. Except this one is from Italy? @gaborealis; essentially, he’s a medium, so if you didn’t believe that the supernatural were at play beforehand... buckle up.

JOEL: Wait, wait, I'm still on the video thing. Who has time to edit a video? —his voice cracks when he says video and he covers his laughter as he focuses—

JADE: [wheezing] Shut up —there is no malice in her voice, and she’s laughing too.—

JOEL: So weird, I love it. Oh snap— the @gaborealis? It's time to get ghosty! —echoes "ghosty" and hums the Cha Cha Slide tune for a couple seconds— Okay, so wait. Does this mean everyone's favorite medium is also in the same place as...three? Three other influencers and this weird family of....maybe shapeshifters? No? Too crazy a theory?

JADE: You know what they say, cryptoddlers; no theory is too crazy. Everything Einstein came up with? Theory.

JOEL: Bringing Einstein into it, huh?

JADE: Oh you know it. —a snort— Anyway, according to Devin’s boyfriend’s Instagram, it doesn’t end there. @spencerkeahi, a youtuber and disability rights advocate who comes from Hawaii is also there with that gaggle. Shout out to @elidrising for tagging people and location. So what are these influencers from all corners of the globe gathering together for? Well, let’s take a look at the original poster again. You go on their Twitter, and a few months back it’s all just videos of people... fighting? In some sort of underground place. Mayhaps... the same creepy basement that Major posted his last photo? —a small gasp, as though she’s surprised by this— No, that must be a coincidence... or is it?

Another spooky sound plays

JOEL: @elidrising is the man, dang! Are you tellin' me there's a...—he lowers his voice to a whisper— secret influencers-only Fight Club? I wouldn't put it past @devinitely TBH. Honestly, I'd join one...even though I guess I've broken the first rule but talking about it, huh? Actually— Jay, do you think we'd even be allowed to join? Are podcasters influencers? Poll in my story right now, let us know what y'all think.

JADE: Right now? Joel, this isn’t going up for another week, at least. —She’s obviously trying to sound less amused than she’s coming off— Once we get the blue check we’re influencers, so we’ve got a few million followers to go, I think.

JOEL: Yeah, right now! They'll hear that when the episode goes up and respond in real ti— Oh, no. You're right. Oops. No poll in my story, y'all. False alarm. Blue check, huh? You heard it here, cryptwizzlers, we're gonna get that blue check. Tell your friends, tell your family. Heck, tell that cute barista at your coffee shop to listen to our podcast! We might just do a giveaway when we get that lil' blue swoosh.

JADE: [clears her throat.] You know what’s a great way to get us that blue check, though?

A different, light sort of spooky music begins playing in the background, meaning that it’s time for the ad break

JOEL: Take it away!

JADE: Checking out a little app called Creature Comforts. Alright guys, not that this show isn’t one hundred percent real as it is, but for real, I love this app. A dating sim that features everyone’s favorite... for lack of a better term, monsters. Did you watch the Shape of Water and go, “Damn, I’d tap that”? Do you want to snuggle with a Sasquatch? Do you just wish you could find yourself a GF with more eyes? Well, have we got the app for you. Creature Comforts lets you do all this and more. A choose-your-own-adventure game where you can smooch beasts, marry Mothman, and ignore the outside world. It’s seriously all I want. And, if you enter the code cryptwins— that’s the name of the podcast you’re listening to, no capital letters, when you download the app, then it’s only 99 cents to play without ads. Which, trust me ghouls, is worth it. I don’t want anything interrupting my cut scene with the most stunning eyes in West Virginia.

JOEL: Don't forget that scuba diving date with Nessie! Or, or...that half-day hike with Bigfoot. —he's laughing again smh— There's a reason Jade does the ad reads and not me. But, I can tell you that Mothman is sure to sweep you off your feet. And it's not just because he can fly.

JADE: It’s the —a pause for finger snapping— alliteration for me. But that’s Creature Comforts, exactly how you think you’d spell it, don’t ask us ‘cause we’re dyslexic, and cryptwins, like the name of this podcast. Tweet us @cryptwins to let us know how far along you are, who you’re pursuing, and what mysteries you unlock about their backstories. Now... I think it’s time for a timeline, just to get us sorted out, what do you think, Joel?

JOEL: Personally, I'm still tryin' to land a date with the Creature from the Black Lagoon. I guess we'll see what happens. Aw heck yeah! Give us a timeline, give us the dirt. — a laugh — Give the people what they want!

JADE: Okay — the shuffling of paper is heard once more — We start in September: @majored goes off the grid after posting a creepy picture of himself in a weird outfit in a spooky basement. This is around the same time that the Scarlet Surfer was in NYC for fashion week, which @majored accompanied him to, meaning that it isn’t entirely out of the question for him to still be in New York. Also on social media at this time is @devinitely and @loganvance also both is cowboy outfits, though the creepy basement is absent from both of them.

JOEL: I guess September isn't too early for weird Halloween stuff to start? What with the spooky basement and everything. Right? And everyone loves a cowboy moment— or have cowboys become the new clown? I heard there was a clown renaissance and people like them now? I don't really know where we stand on the whole clown— what?

JADE: I see our next hot debate. Cowboys: Hot or not? Personally, I liked cow print, but I can see cowboys going out soon. Once they reach killer clown status is when it’ll be ideal for me.

JOEL: Personally, I vote hot. And uhhh, not to kinkshame you Jay, but killer clowns are a no from me.

JADE: [tsks] Kinkshamed, by my own brother no less.

JOEL: [a loud laugh] You know I'm just kidding. No kinkshaking, ya heard? I'd literally let the Jersey Devil step on me so. To each their own.

JADE: [snorting] Um, gross.

JADE: Now to October: There is a production of Rocky Horror, a cast photo is uploaded to @elidrising, the account of @devinitely’s boyfriend. This places not only @devinitely and @loganvance in Montauk, but it also places @crispyboiz and @_kllledbycain in Montauk too. These are two of the people that are suspected to belong in the video by @ime.are, in which (suspected) @_kllledbycain, dressed as Kakashi Hatake attacked @majored, only to be torn apart by good citizen @crispyboiz. This video is the first that we’ve seen of @majored since his last post, and he offers nothing in response to it.

JOEL: Okay. Okay. Now, you know I love a good shadow-cast of Rocky Horror. I've always wanted to play Frank. I would rock that part. Am I wrong? —he laughs— But okay, that's - count 'em - three influencers in one place? If @elidrising is there, we can assume @devinitely is too because she was in the same location as, uh, whatshername? Logan? And that's the same location as @ime.are. Who took the video of  Kakashi kicking @majored's ass. @_kllledbycain— more like killedbyKakashi, eh? Seriously why are all these people together?

JOEL: [as an afterthought] It's gotta be a cult.

JADE: November to December: Nothing happens with @majored, @ime.are also offers nothing except for quote unquote “#teamkakashi”, which is funny because they never tagged Kakashi, but anyways. Upon deeper inspection, there are videos on their Twitter from last May, of people in a fighting ring. And then people fighting on a lake? But the fighting ring looks super dangerous and I dunno, like you said, cult-y? Fight-club-y? Call it what you will. In any case, we are led to believe that this fighting has been going on for some time in the background.

JOEL: Okay, come on. That’s definitely a cult. I’ve seen the movie, can confirm. — he groans— Literally what is an Italian astrologer doing there? Wait, wait, wait. Montauk? You said Montauk. Montauk, as in on Long Island. As in like —he drops his voice to a stage-whisper— the part of Long Island that peeps believe to be the site of a government cover-up involving kidnapping, mind control, and time travel? The part that inspired Stranger Things? That Montauk? Snap. I can’t believe I didn’t put two and two together sooner. Jade, Jade. What if this is, I don’t know, like, MKUltra 2.0?

JADE: Yes, yes that Montauk, I’m glad you picked up on that. Look, I’m not saying that it’s an influencer’s-only thing, but I am saying that some might be in the area, and maybe involved. At the same time throughout all of this, we have a culmination of more influencers seeming to know this network of people. @gaborealis, an Italian astrologer, is seen in pictures of @sleepyfinch, who was also in the production of Rocky Horror, and has pictures with @crispyboiz and, god, this name is a freaking nightmare, @_kllledbycain. Not to mention this guy has many pictures of weird… family members? Who sometimes look alike? Okay, but seriously, @kodakola and @sonofpeter, how is your hair not straw at this point? Is it wigs? I think my hair would simply fall out. And y’all using Insta filters or what, cause… I’m not gonna get into it, let’s keep going.

JOEL: Maybe they're makeup vloggers or something. Gotta change up the look for views, right? Don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and uhhhh, smash that follow button— or whatever YouTubers say. —he laughs— Okay but seriously, yeah. @sonofpeter, @kodakola, whatever you two are doing to your hair, let me know because I'm trying to bleach my hair and dye it bright purple without it falling out. And since we're doing it at our next stop, well, your advice will probably be too late. But still, what are your secrets? Is it...clones?

JADE: Joel! —she’s laughing again.— Timeline and then theories. —she clears her throat— After that long silence, a Tweet emerges. January 8th. "Can’t believe @majored SPAT on me and called me a C-Blank-Blank-T when he checked into @SDFamilyMotel last night”. This places Major across the country from where we believed him to be, but acting so strangely that one must wonder… was that really him? Or was it someone that just looked like him? Or was it a cry for help? Nothing’s been heard since from @majored, which I guess… leads us to our theories. —a pause— You were saying… clones, Joel?

JOEL: Sheeeeesh, this is not @majored's year. I gotta say, this sounds totally different from the vibe that this guy used to put out on his social media. Obviously Instagram is fake blah blah blah, you know the spiel, but like. Damn. He spit on them? —a pause as he considers what his sibling has said— You know....I think that's a really good point. Was that even the real him? Will the real Ed Major please stand up?

JADE: I know. It just seems out of character, and terrible for a reputation, but it also would make sense if... One, this is a fake @majored, meant to stir up controversy before he goes underground again. And with an action like spitting on someone and calling them a name like that? Who cares what the dude does after that? Unfollowed, cancelled, whatever. And why would this guy want to go underground, well, I'm glad you're so interested. Well, the official Cryptwins theory is that maybe... just maybe, the crazy, government cover-up Montauk that we all know and love isn't that far from truth. We see that they have means of covering up shadows —she lets out a laugh— and people whose faces just change? And who else is there, @spencerkeahi, someone who explains rehabilitation, maybe someone who has experience helping people get used to being a clone? @ime.are, a nurse who enjoys taking videos of people fighting? It all adds up, people!

JOEL: Yeah, seriously. With the real @majored MIA, there would be no one to combat the backlash from this supposed...clone? Imposter? And maybe that’s what they want. Looks like Montauk isn’t the ideal vacation spot anymore, huh? Even if their seaside cabins are super chill and homey. But I digress. Something sinister is going on. Something bigger than we can even imagine. A secret underground facility that’s...cloning influencers? Training them? Your guess is as good as mine. And that’s why we’re on this road trip, isn’t that right Jade? To get some answers?

JADE: Exactly. —it sounds as though she is holding back a laugh or a cough.— Cross country roadtrip in which we explore different topics like this one, and on the way, we'll document our progress and any spooky encounters. Check out our insta, @cryptwins to get all the updates, and consider hitting us up on Patreon if you want us to be able to afford the gas to get all the way to the east coast.

JOEL: I’ll be posting behind the scenes content in the “ROADTRIP” highlight on my Insta throughout the trip so be sure to check my stories. You might get lucky and find some special codes for Creature Comforts but, hey. You didn’t hear it from me. -he laughs and there’s the distinct sound of a bag of chips being opened- What Jade meant to say is gas and snack money. So yeah, go go go! Check out the Patreon! We might even do a giveaway at the end of our trip, get you guys some cool souvenirs we pick up on our travels. Not a bad idea, eh?

JADE: Joel, my ears are literally bleeding right now. Thanks. Anyway, our second theory will also be exclusive to our Patrons, so be sure to get the full video there. Cryptwins... out...

Her voice fades out and the music from the beginning fades in, takes over, and plays until the end of the track.

[knives-out20]

The One With All The Relationships And Surprisingly Good Advice - Chandler Bing x Male!Reader - FRIENDS

Fandom: FRIENDS (1994-2004)

Pairing: Chandler Bing x Male!Reader

Warnings: This Shit Is LONG, Spoilers For Season 3 Episode 19, Fluff,

Notes: This Shit Took All Day To Make, Oh My God. It’s Long Since It’s Literally Every Chandler Scene In That Episode Except For One. But, Uh, Obviously, Enjoy!

"Hello, people who do not live here.”

Phoebe, Ross, Chandler and you turned to the front door of Monica's apartment, to see her standing there, eyebrows raised. “Hi" Phoebe and Ross greeted in unison, Chandler saying "hel-lo" and you merely waved.

"I gave you a key for emergencies" she reminded, hanging up her bag.

"We were out of Doritos" Phoebe told, Chandler and you looking back at the book he was reading, as you shifted on the arm of the sofa he sat in.

"Hey, how'd the date with Mr. Millionaire go?" Ross asked, watching Monica take off her coat.

"'Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings'" Chandler teased, altering the pitch of his voice to sound like an infomerical announcer." “Third wife sold separately" he raised his eyebrows, then nodding proudly.

You snickered, lightly pushing his shoulder and looking back to Monica."Seriously, how was it?" You asked.

Monica groaned, walking over. “He's great! I mean, we have such a good time together. He's so funny, and so sweet, and I'm not attracted to him at all!" She exclaimed.

"Still?" Ross then asked.

"No! It's driving me crazy. I mean, in every other way, he's like the perfect guy. He has everything. Plus, he actually has everything.”

Chandler leaned back in his seat, book closed and on his chest. “Life-sized imperial storm troopers from sharper image?" He suggested, head tilted slightly.

"Two." Monica smiled, holding up two fingers.

"Wow." Chandler sat up again, amazed. “Can Joey and I put them on and fight?"

"Why can't I put it on and we fight?" You pouted, turning to Chandler.

"Because you know I'd never wanna hurt you. Joey's my best friend, and he's a real idiot sometimes" Chandler replied, looking up at with with his bright, pretty blue eyes. “Not like you'd ever try to hurt me, anyway.”

You pulled a sturgeon face, "yea, true." You turned back to Monica, ready to ask her another question. But, before you could, Joey came prancing in, singing something.

"Oh mommy, oh daddy, I am a big old baddy!" He cheered, circling the kitchen table."Oh mommy, oh daddy, I am a big old baddy!" Joey repeated, quickly out the door.

Chandler, confused out of his mind, blinked as he turned from Joey, to you, and over to Monica, expecting any reaction or explanation from the woman with the hand on her chest, who had an equal amount of shock on her face.

"I, whole-heartedly, never want to hear Joey say 'daddy' ever again" you stated, raising a finger.

"I guess he must have gotten the part in that play" Ross cleared up, earning an "Oh!" Of realization from Phoebe and you.

"Yea, either that or Gloria Estefan was right- eventually, the rhythm is going to get you" Chandler added, you nodding in agreement.

***

Joey, Phoebe, Monica, Chandler and you all sat around at Central Perk, with the Mr. Millionaire man that Monica recently went on a date with.

"So you're like a zillionaire" Phoebe commented, having you chuckle at that.

"And you're our age, your our age" Chandler squinted, one leg crossed over the other. He had an arm around you, gesturing with that hand as he tried wrapping his head around the fact that Monica's date is richer than rich, but also their age.

"You know what?" Phoebe asked, "you should, like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself.”

Monica's date, Pete, scoffed. “Like, Pete Dakota?" He suggested.

Phoebe and Monica laughed. “Yea, or- or Mississipete" Phoebe joked, letting it be Pete's turn to laugh.

"Oh, oh, I got it" Joey pointed at Pete, with an idea. “Pete Chicago.”

Chandler and you exchanged looks. “That's not a state, Joe" Chandler broke it to him, locking eyes with Joey.

"Oh, and Mississipete is?" Joey asked, scoffing.

Chandler, 100% done, turned over to you, looking at you badly concealing a laugh at the look of defeat on his face. “Y'know, (Y/n)'s quite the money man himself" he pointed out.

"Really? What do you do, uh, (Y/n)?" Pete asked, turning to you.

You sucked your teeth, rubbing the back of your neck. “Not myself necessarily, it's- it's my dad, he has this oil company, y'know, uh-”

"Oh, oh, (L/n) North?" Peter asked, you nodding in amazement. “Pretty popular company." After a beat of silence, he announced "I gotta go, so, uh, I'll see you guys later." getting up and out of his seat, going over to the door to grab his coat.

"You're our age!" Chandler repeated, watching Monica follow him.

"So, uh, we still on for tomorrow night?" Pete asked, grabbing his coat and turning to Monica.

"Absolutely" Monica answered, leaving them in tense silence. Until, that is, Monica, out of fear, ruffled his hair and said "now, get out of here, you!" With Joey's, Chandler's, Phoebe's, and your eyes on her. When Pete left, Monica came back over, putting her hands on the arm of the sofa Chandler, Phoebe and you sat on. “Okay, I'm running out of places I can touch him" she forced a smile onto her face. “I mean, is there something wrong with me? I mean, why am I only attracted to guys where there's no future? E-Either they're too old, or they're too young, and then there's Pete, who's- who's...crazy about me, I mean, he's absolutely perfect, and then there's like, zip going on. I mean, seriously, does it sound like there's something wrong with me?" Monica stressed, eyes wide with fear.

"Yea, kinda" Phoebe replied, nodding slightly.

You leaned back, laying on Chandler's chest, who automatically wrapped his arms around you. “Maybe it's because you're rushing into literally every guy you meet, you're trying to make something happen, out of fear. Just go with the flow for a while. I mean, I didn't immediately try to date Chandler when I first met him. I saw he was cute, got to know him, fell for him, 'n' look at us. Perfect stuff takes time, Monnie, c'mon.”

Chandler looked down at you. “You said you didn't think I was cute when we first met".

"Yea, well, I also told you I'm a sucker for floppy hair. You had floppy hair. I thought you'd have put the pieces together by now" you mumbled, smiling up at him.

***

Ross, Chandler, and you were in Chandler's apartment, now. Ross stood glued to the door, looking through the peephole as Chandler and you lay stomach-down on the recliners, holding hands and watching a basketball game on TV.

"Ross, you've got to stop, okay?" Chandler called, making no effort to actually turn and look at him."You can’t just stare through the peephole for three hours!".

"You're gonna get peep-eye!" You added, proud when you heard Chandler giggle and praise you with "nice one, babe.”

"I knew it, I knew it, I always knew she liked him" Ross started. “She'd say no, but here we are, right?" He asked, watching Chandler and you spin around in your seats to face him, "we just broke up first thing she does-"

"You didn't just break up-" Chandler corrected, Ross butting in again.

"Hey, it's been like, three weeks.”

"You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up!" Chandler reminded, gesturing a hand over at him and getting up. “I mean, bullets have left guns slower" he added, helping you up.

Ross shushed him, whispering "here they come, here they come. Oh, if she kisses him goodnight I'm gonna kill myself, I swear. I can't, I can't watch this-" he told, turning to shake his head at Chandler and you, but immediately going back to look through the peephole.

Chandler put his hands on his hips, watching Ross in a disapproving manner as you looped your arms around one of his, holding onto him.

"Come on, date over, date over" Ross silently chanted. “Oh, oh, here we go, she's going in, she's going in-" he giggled, Chandler replying "okay", glad that this would be over. But then Ross' tone changed. “Wait-" he pressed both hands against the door, "he's going in.”

Chandler raised his eyebrows, lowering them as he scoffed and glanced at you.

"He's going in!" Ross repeated, "the door's closed!" He explained, turning to face Chandler and you. “I can't see anything with the door closed!" Ross whined, walking away from Chandler's door.

"And the inventor of the door rests happily in grave" you remarked, earning a quick smile of amusement from Chandler as you both turned around to look at Ross.

"Okay, I have to do something, I mean, I have to- I have to stop it" Ross groaned.

"Stop what?" You asked.

"I don't know! But the- I- I have a feeling that my being there will do it" Ross stuttered."I'll go over, and I'll borrow something...Juice! I need juice!" He declared, going to walk past Chandler, who grabbed him and yelled "no, you can't!"

Chandler pushed you out the way, jumping onto Ross' back as another way of stopping him.

"Look, they must be stopped!" Ross exclaimed, trudging past the fooseball table.

"I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!" Chandler then proclaimed, grabbing onto the table, which he ended up pulling with him as Ross got to the door. “You are surprisingly strong" he looked confused as he said this, almost scared of how strong Ross was. “(Y/n), c'mon, help me, baby!"

You held onto the kitchen counter to stop from falling to the floor from laughing, shaking your head. “Oh, no, no, no, Channy, this is TOO funny!" You cackled as Chandler growled at you, still on Ross' back.

"I need juice" Ross weakly repeated as you calmed down, stepping forward. “People need juice!"

"Look, man..." You started, as Ross repeated what he said while Chandler struggled to finally close the door. “Listen to me!" You called, Chandler's legs walking backwards up the door.

"Juice! They need juice!" Ross cried, one of his own legs on the door, now.

You crossed your arms, watching in bewilderment. “This is so fucking weird to look at" you raised your eyebrows as the two men paused. “Can I please have my boyfriend back- y'know what-" you groaned, pulling Chandler off of Ross and held onto him, keeping your boyfriend close with your arms around his waist. You kissed Chandler's cheek, one of his hands flat on your chest, the other on your shoulder as he looked at Ross like the elder Geller sibling was a madman. “She's moving on, okay? If it's not this guy, it's gonna be somebody else! And unless you're thinking about subletting Chandler's peephole, you are gonna have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over" you explained, banging the counter a 'get used to'. “Okay, man? It's over.” You and Chandler stood in silence, both of you now ready to pounce back onto Ross in case he made a sudden run for it.

Ross sighed. “Yea, okay" he succumbed, "it's just, I miss her so much.”

"I know" you nodded, quickly patting his head.

"You're surprisingly...good at whatever that just was" Chandler mumbled.

"I've had to tell myself similar things in the past, Channy. I'm a natural at this point" you muttered rubbing his side soothingly, kissing his cheek again.

***

Chandler and you sat in his recliners, wearing his loose bath robes over plain shirts. You both faced the TV, then spun the recliners to face each other.

"I don't think this town is big enough for the both of us to relax in" he pointed out, as if the two of you were cowboys about to showdown in some Western movie. He awkwardly raised his fist to his face, lightly blowing it while maintaining eye contact with you. Chandler blinked and rolled his shoulders back then announcing "draw!"

At the same time, you both kicked up the feet of your recliners like cowboys would bring out their guns about now. Chandler and you started to laugh, nodding proudly and heads darting to look towards the door when Joey walked in, slamming it shut behind him.

"We weren't doing anything" Chandler blurted out, eyes wide.

Joeys slammed his bag down on the fooseball table, following his roughly-taken-off coat.

Chandler raised his eyebrows as he got up, offering a hand to help you up as well. “Uh-oh, what did she do now?" He shakily asked.

"Just because she went to Yale drama she thinks she's, like, the greatest actress since..." Joey opened the fridge, "since- since sliced bread" he finished, grabbing a bottle of beer and closing the fridge door.

"Ah, sliced bread" Chandler nodded knowingly.

"A wonderful Lady Macbeth" you nodded along, Chandler and you then giggling and nudging each other.

"God, I just- I hate her. I hate her, with her 'oh, I'm so talented' and 'ooh, I'm so pretty' and 'ooh, I smell so good'" Joey complained, mocking the girl in a weird voice, getting higher with each statement.

Chandler and you shared knowing looks with one another, then turning back to Joey. “I think somebody has a crush on somebody" Chandler teased, a hand on the counter.

"Hey, Chandler, can we please try and stay focused on my problem, here, y’know? Also, no shit you have a crush on (Y/n), you're dating, for crying out loud" Joey groaned, gesturing to himself.

You leaned onto the counter with one hand, your other on your hip. “He’s talking about you, you big, big freak" you insulted, looking at Joey with disbelief.

"Oh." Joey shifted on the spot, looking the both of you up and down in judgement. “Oh- oh, you're out of your mind" he cringed, walking past the two of you.

"Hey, you have done nothing but talk about her for the last forty-eight hours" Chandler followed Joey close behind, stopping at the wooden shelf Joey made once Joey walked into his room. “If you were in a schoolyard, you'd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!"

"Because society has you at a young age that if you're mean to a girl, it means you like her" you added, tilting your head up intelligently. You approached Chandler, who instinctively wrapped an arm around you.

"Oh, yea?" Joey asked, now at the doorway of his room. “Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff, huh?" He asked, raising his eyebrows as he pointed at Chandler, like what he said was just the smartest comeback in the world.

When, in reality, it made all three of you furrow your eyebrows in a mix of confusion and disgust.

"Maybe because what you feel is only sexual attraction towards her-?" You suggested, Chandler nodding and mumbling "okay-" to end the conversation.

***

Chandler lay on his back on the long couch of Monica's apartment, half-asleep with you fast asleep on his chest, the book he was reading now over your head like a hat.

"Hey," Phoebe called, instantly waking Chandler up. 

He blinked wildly and looked around at where he was, then down at you. Slowly, Chandler picked up the book and set it on the table, using a finger to fix your hair and brush it out of your face. He smiled lovingly, hugging you like a body pillow, or like his arms was your blanket. Chandler gave Phoebe a shaken double-take.

"Why isn't it Spiderman?" She asked. “You know? Like Goldman, Silverman?"

Chandler cautiously adjusted how he lay on the sofa, careful not to wake you up, but to no avail. He pursed his lips, looking down at you apologetically as you groggily opened your eyes. “Ah, sorry, baby, I wasn't trying to wake you up-"

"'S okay, what's up?" You groaned, squinting over at Chandler with a sleepy smile on your face.

"Uh- Uh," Chandler cleared his throat, momentarily rendered speechless whenever you had that sleepy grin on your face. “Phoebe just asked me 'why isn't is Spiderman'. Like Goldman, or Silverman" he repeated. “Anyways, Phoebe, because it isn't- it's not his last name" Chandler answered, turning to Phoebe with furrowed eyebrows.

"It isn't?" Phoebe looked genuinely surprised.

"No. It's not like...Phil Spiderman" he shook his head.

"Yea, if that was the case, it would be 'Chandler Perfectman', not 'Bing'" you sleepily added, Chandler's cheeks flushing.

"He's a spider...man" Chandler explained, ignoring the heat in his face. “You know? Like, uh, like Goldman is a last name, but there is no gold man.”

"Sometimes, last names derive from what your ancestors were. Goldman and Silverman probably mean your ancestors were gold or silver miners, or silversmiths. Spiderman, if this is the case, would mean your ancestors fucked spiders or something" you noted, lazily raising a finger but quickly dropping it.

"Oh, oh, okay" Phoebe nodded, as if she just learned the true, real meaning of life. “There should be a gold-man!" She told, eyes going wide in realization.

Chandler nodded and raised his eyebrows, turning back down to you quickly.

"Hey." Rachel greeted, walking in and closing the door behind her

"Hey, Rachel." Monica smiled.

"Yo, Monica's here?" You asked, lifting your head up and turning towards the kitchen. “Hi, Monica!" You tiredly waved, not catching Chandler gazing at you in adoration.

"Hi, Chandler's boyfriend" Monica teased, waving back. “How was work?" She asked Rachel, turning back over to her.

"Oh, great. Although, I did sit down where there wasn't a chair" Rachel replied, hanging up her bag and walking over.

"By the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff" Monica reminded, turning to quickly point at a white box on the table.

"Oh, well, I guess I had that one coming" Rachel sighed, walking into the living room and around the small table. “I'm just gonna throw it out, it's probably just a bunch of shampoo, and-" she stopped talking when she opened the box, finally seeing whatever was inside.

Confused, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and you all looked over at her, after you quickly reached up to kiss Chandler's neck.

"Something wrong?" Monica asked.

Rachel didn't answer, silently reaching into the box and pulling out a singular, white shirt, which you were just about able to read 'FRANKIE SAYS' on it, not being able to read the last word. Rachel took a deep breath as she stared at it, her hair hiding her smile as he flipped it to read the words on the front. She chuckled blankly, "no, nothing." Rachel turned and walked into her room without saying another word.

You were still confused, so you looked up at Chandler. “Who's Frankie?"

Chandler pursed his lips and dramatically shrugged, mumbling "I don't know.”

***

Chandler and Phoebe sat on the recliners in his apartment, you sitting securely on his lap as Phoebe sat cross-legged and rocked back and fourth in her recliner like a child. “So, uh, what kind of powers would Gold-man have?" Chandler asked, smiling like an excited kid.

"Okay, well, he would turn things to gold" she stated in a straight-forward manner.

"Ooh, ooh, like King Medias from Greek Mythology!" You recalled, fists balling out of joy. You saw the look on Chandler's faced and decided to clear up his confusion by saying "I sorta had a small Greek mythology phase, growing up.”

Chandler nodded, looking back to Phoebe. “What about things that are already gold?" He challenged, eyebrows raising expectantly.

"Ah, his work is done" is all Phoebe returned.Chandler smiled and nodded, adjusting how he sat as he said "okay, let's play my game now.”

"Okay" Phoebe agreed, uncrossing her legs to sit on the chair properly. “Arr, you yellow-bellied, lily-livered...draw!" She called, Chandler and her both pulling up the feet of the recliners.

You giggled as you bounced when Chandler pulled his feet up, your boyfriend sitting up to wrap his arms around you.

[capitainerowen]

All the episodes of the cartoon Ratz – part 1

Like I said in my previous post about this cartoon that I really love, there is 52 episodes of it! In the French Wikipedia page, it says that there are also 3 seasons but since I have nothing that prove that, so it doesn’t matter in here. Because I love this cartoon so much, I’m going to explain to you all of the episodes, with a resume and why I love them!

Actually, it will probably be too long for only one post (52 episodes, 52 pictures…) so I’ll divide it in 9 parts! The 8 first will present 6 episodes each and the last one will present 4 episodes, so that way it will be easier for you to read it! All the parts except for the last one will talk about. Like I said, my personal order is the order of the French Wikipedia page, so it will be in that order that I will present them. Once again, don’t worry about it, you don’t have to follow that specific order but the one you want! I will also give you the French names, so in the other languages it won’t be the same but that’s the way I know the cartoon.

A last warning! There will be some spoilers to describe the episodes and the characters in it so if you don’t want to be spoil, you may as well want to come back later! However! If you’re not afraid of spoilers, you can read it, it’ll be fun (at least I hope so).

In this first part, I will present to you the following episodes: Stop, Salut ma poule ! , La nuit du gouda toxique, Le génie du fromage, Panne sèche and Un ami qui vous veut du bien.

Stop is an episode in which Razmo, after a race with Rapido, has a light accident and become paranoid about it and tries to protect Rapido and himself from the dangers of racing, speed, and accidents, acting like a cop, putting a very lot of signages everywhere in the ship and even remaking their ratboards, giving it an AI to force Rapido to drive as slow as possible to protect him, just bothering Rapido more and more.

I think it’s a really good episode to start the show! It introduces us to the main characters, Razmo and Rapido, and understand how they are, their relationship and everything. It’s not my favorite episode but it still is a good one, funny and great. Razmo’s will protect both Rapido and himself is adorable (but a little too much). And even if he is really angry at Razmo for being overprotective and paranoid, Rapido still is showed being happier when he can do anything with his little friend.

Characters in that episode: Razmo, Rapido, the Captain, Steve the AI

Score: 6.5/10 (I love the demonstrations of affection between Razmo and Rapido and the fact that the episode is almost only about the two of them)

Salut ma poule (which could literally be translated by “Hello chick” I guess) is an episode in which Razmo is having a depressive episode with the beginning of the spring and after Rapido “tries” to comfort him, the little rat comfort himself by saving a chicken from the cook Benny and trying to help her flying despite Rapido explaining him how impossible this is, finally helping her to fly away from the boat and from Benny.

This episode is pretty good! It gives us another aspect of the relationship of Razmo and Rapido, were Rapido is trying, in his own bad way to comfort Razmo, badly but clearly used to Razmo’s blues. Also, it’s a really good demonstration of the heroism of Razmo, being so much into his own things that he doesn’t even notice things that are obvious (like chickens not being able to fly). Also, his way to overcome the problems by doing things more and more strange ending by a success is really awesome! Razmo is the kind of genius that really like to go extreme really fast, using science to protect himself from his different issues, which may have happened a lot because Rapido tries really hard to stop him.

Characters in that episode:  Razmo, Rapido, Benny, Marie the Chicken (she may have another name in English, I don’t know)

Score: 8.5/10 (really funny and soft, one of my favorites episodes with a good rhythm in it)

La nuit du gouda toxique (translated by The night of the toxic gouda) is an “horror-like” episode, but for children obviously, in the Halloween theme (one of the two). In this episode, while Razmo tries to scare Rapido with his pranks, the Captain of the ship accepts chemicals on his boat because he needs money. After making Rapido angry against him, Razmo runs away to prepare an other pranks with goudas but, by accident, some chemicals flow on the goudas who come to live, with the want to eat the two rats.

It’s a nice episode, not the best, but nice to watch sometimes. It screams a little too much for me maybe? This episode shows how weak and easily scared the two rats are but I do like how it describe to us the relationship between the three humans on the boat and how strong Svetlana is (we love strong & tall women here)!! It’s one of the first episodes were the side non-human characters are enemies and promise to come back (and they never do, it happens with one character only, I’ll present them later).

Characters in that episode: Razmo, Rapido, the three goudas (Mo, Gory and the last one), the Captain, Svetlana, Benny

Score: 5/10 (it’s okay but that’s all)

Le génie du fromage (translated by The cheese genie) is a pretty nice episode in which Rapido and Razmo accidentally awake a genie in a lamp, having 3 wishes to make between the two of them (so one wish and an half each). Razmo then wishes to attract the cheese to himself and Rapido wishes to change everything he touches in cheese.

I love this episode!! It’s so funny and nice, Rapido and Razmo are just so great and well written! The Genie is an absolute jerk with them, playing with what they want and ask, just to give them a lesson (or maybe just to mess with them). Also, the fact Rapido is willing to give up a huge chance to have his dreams just for Razmo is a real strong good point for me. It’s one of the episodes that I just love to watch because it’s a really good episode and I love to re-watch it a lot. And it’s the only one episode with a moral! So yeah, it’s really great.

Characters in that episode: Rapido, Razmo, the Genie

Score: 9.5/10 (I won’t spoil why it lost 0.5 point but it’s because Razmo is my favorite character of this show)

Panne sèche (translated by Off fuel) is an episode where Razmo, in a really huge need of affection or something like that, break the ship, making it off fuel (see? Like the name of the episode, eheh). When another ship’ captain come to help, a weasel attacks him to obligates him to make her fly or she will kill him.

It’s not the best episode but it’s so funny!! Watching it now, there’s a lot of tendentious innuendos in Razmo’s attitude and I can’t help but smile like a dumbass every time because Razmo is needy as hell and Rapido is just used to it like if it happened a lot. And like, for someone who like Rapido, there is good content of him.

Characters in that episode: Razmo, Rapido, the Captain, Svetlana, Benny, the weasel, Captain Salami (I believe his name is translated because it makes a joke in French but I don’t know what it is)

Score: 6.5/10 (Nice, lot of adult undertones, Rapido having a bath)

And last but not least! Un ami qui vous veut du bien (translated by A friend with good intentions)! This episode presents us one of the many forgettable nemesis of the two rats, a penguin named Fred who is a thief really good with lying, manipulating Razmo really easily, but not Rapido who understands really quickly that something is wrong with that bird.

It’s not an amazing episode, just a little better in my opinion than La nuit des goudas toxiques because I like it when Razmo plays music, but that’s very personal of me. Also, it gives us some Domestic trope of Rapido and Razmo and I love it so much. And I really love when Rapido doesn’t fall for the lies of someone else because he’s himself a huge liar (but he falls for Razmo’s lies every times) so he’s very angry at everyone trying to manipulate his Razmo (I’m a huge fan of it).

Characters in that episode: Razmo, Rapido, Fred, Benny

Score: 6.5/10 (it gains point because of the jealous!Rapido thing only, yes)

So there it is for that first list! I hope you liked it! I’ll give you the next one as soon as possible!

Please watch Ratz and have a good day!

[steakook]

not a house but a home

Pairing: boyfriend!Jungkook x Reader

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: Domestic Fluff, Angst, very very light Smut if you squint

A/N: feeling all kinds of soft for the babie after his “Never Not” cover. This was supposed to be a Drabble but, as always, jungkook takes my heart further ༼;´༎ຶ.̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨.̸̸̨̨۝ ༎ຶ༽ . Enjoy!

///

“Babe?”

I let out an unintelligible response. My toothbrush is still buzzing in my mouth, for God’s sake. Jungkook takes it as a sign to continue.

“Can you please please PLEASE clean your side of the bathroom?” He says pleadingly with puppy dog eyes but also a hint of seriousness. He means business today.. of all days, Monday.

“SDFGHHH!!! DFYJKGGJK” I let out.

“I know it’s morning and I know you’re grumpy but PLEASE I can’t keep looking at this mess.”

I spit out into my sink. As I’m doing so I look at the cocktail of toiletries that litters my side of the vanity. 5 different Bobbi brown lip tints strewn about. Several makeup brushes and palettes clutter the white marble. Multiple face washes, moisturizes, and various other skincare products I’ve been sold by the deceptive Sephora employees, 83% of which I don’t use. Hair. Hair everywhere. I can’t help it, with hair like this I can’t just empty my comb every single day.

“I have no idea what you’re referring to.” I say to my beautiful and unfortunately meticulous boyfriend with a smirk.

He heaved a loaded sigh.

“Baaaaaabe.”

Here we go.

“I can’t look at this every morning!! How can you have your side so messy and still be able to operate throughout the day clearly?! Being organized brings peace to one’s life.”

Oh God I don’t remember putting something up his ass last night and leaving it there. I giggle in my head. I need to save that joke for later.

“You know, if I knew you’d be this messy, I would’ve just stayed at the dorms. Living with you is basically as bad as living with them.” Jungkook says, no trace of playfulness in his voice.

“Oh really? The same? Y’all giving each other cuddles?? Y’all sucking each other’s dicks?! Hmm??”

Ok in all honesty i really shouldn’t start a fight this early in the morning let alone week. But he knows how grumpy I am in the mornings. Not only do I have to wake up and ungodly hour (7am is ungodly for some of us, okay?), but I naturally hate being forced out of my comfy bed cuddling with my exorbitantly organized but very hot boyfriend.

I look at him. He has an incredulous look in his eyes. We’ve had this fight multiple times since moving in with each other 6 months ago. To be quite frank, there have been more growing pains than happy moments. I started realizing my organized chaos choice of living deeply contrasted jungkook’s need to put everything in its place and if it can be alphabetized, all the better. I’m annoyed and so is he.

“Are you serious? Can’t you do this ONE thing for me? One thing that will significantly improve not only mine but your life as well? I swear it’s amazing how much you accomplish at work when you practically do nothing at home.”

Oh. Wasn’t expecting that.

He must see the change in playfulness in my face, immediately regretting his words.

“Babe I’m sor-“

“Don’t worry about it. I have to finish getting ready. I have a big presentation to present to the Japanese stockholders this afternoon regarding our globalization plan.... I mean, hopefully i don’t fuck it up seeing as how I live my life in such a clusterfuck it’s a wonder how i get things done there. Right, jungkook?”

I don’t wait for him to answer as i leave our shared bathroom but he just continues to stand there. I hit him low too.

Living together has put quite a strain on our relationship because we haven’t really found that symbiotic rhythm yet. To be honest, I kick ass and take names in the board room but I’ve never found myself to be very... well... domestic at home. Jungkook, on the other hand, not only is good at every chore. He is amazing. he has a neurotic obsession with making sure laundry never overflows in the hamper, dishes are always clean and the sink is empty, and making sure dust never accumulates. I swear to God. For someone who is an international kpop sensation, how does he have time to keep our house looking so great everyday.

This is a quality of his I worship. His never ending never endingness. There is always work to be done, this can always be cleaner, that can always be done today not tomorrow. Me, on the other hand, I wear two hats. There is the Business Y/N who has an MBA and literally climbed her way up the corporate ladder. Queen of making deals and making grown men cry around the world. I have a 401k. I know. Amazing. But outside of that, I’ve always been Party, easy going Y/N. My job already requires me to be ruthless yet charismatic AND strategic everyday, I don’t need to bring that elsewhere.

If I hadn’t had the second hat, I don’t think I would have ever met jungkook. We met at a random awards show I was attending for fun with some friends, my close friend from B-school scoring us tickets within the artists’ seating. We’ve been inseparable ever since.

I’ve always envied kook for his ability to be at the forefront in everything in his life. From his career, to his multitude of sports and hobbies, to taking care of his homestead. He’s more serious and cares more about little things than I think he purposely lets on. We are yin and yang. opposites attract, yes, but can they actually coexist?

It’s been a long day when i get home at 10pm. Funny enough, both our schedules are so hectic but perfectly align with his late dance practices and my evening calls to Belgium.

Our golden doodle puppy greets me.

“Matcha!!!!!! How are you my love???” She showers me with kisses. Oh how lovely this is after a particularly shitty day.

I turn into the tv room and see him laying there icing his knee. He looks gorgeous. Even now, barefaced and in a hoodie that’s three times his should-be size and basketball shorts, watching the 6th season of nartuto. (For the 7th time).

We look at each other waiting for one to break. It’s always been like this. What more could you expect from two highly-competitive and maybe a bit self-righteous individuals? Maybe we are more similar than we are different.

“Hi baby.” I cave.

The hard look on his face softens. He puts his guard down, relieved we won’t have to fight. I go over and lay down next to him making sure i don’t hit his knee. He wraps me in his large arms and I feel a glow of comfort. He smells like fresh laundry. (Which is probably accurate since he made sure to do a load today before heading to the studio.. someone say ANAL RETENTIVE with me!!)

“You smell so nice.” He is soft. No, he is softness personified. As much of a tough, stubborn Virgo as he is, he is a ball of pudding when it comes to after work moments like these. He tucks his nose into my hair. And kisses me absentmindedly.

“About this morning-“ He starts. But I cut him off.

“No, no. I’m sorry. I know it’s been hard living together with our opposing..... lifestyle choices” he snorts. “But I know you’ve had to bend to me more than I’ve had to bend to you. And for that I’m sincerely sorry. I haven’t made nearly as much of an effort to make this work. But the change has been hard for me. I’ve never had to live with a boy let alone share a bathroom with one. And not only that, I had always imagined I WOULD BE THE CLEANER ONE.” He chuckles quietly and plants some chaste kisses on my temples.

“Babe, no. I know. You’re still adjusting. But I need to apologize too. I didn’t mean what I said earlier but i just get so frustrated sometimes! You’re hard headed and I am too. But still I shouldn’t have said those things I’ve said about you not being great at your job. Your ferocity is one of the reasons i love you. It’s also extremely hot.”

I smile and look up into those big brown doe eyes and I melt. How could he look so good after practicing the whole day? And how could he be so patient and loving to someone like me? Messy and unorganized.

“I love you. So much. I don’t deserve to be with someone like you. You’re amazing at everything it’s so damn frustrating sometimes. Not only do you devote your life to an occupation that require so much of you, you also still make time to take care of us, this place. I’m sorry I don’t make things easy.”

“Y/N. You may be frustratingly messy. I don’t understand how one person can produce so much goddamn hair at once to be quite honest. You shed more than Matcha. But being with you is easy. You make life easy. You give me easiness when so so so many other things in this life are so hard and time consuming. So many people want so much from me and I want to be the person they need. But when I’m with you, it doesn’t feel like work. It’s easiness in its purest sense. Even though you don’t clean up your shit.”

I giggle.

“But even then, i wouldn’t trade this for anything else.”

I kiss him chastely and he holds my chin up for better access. We kiss like this for a while before he swipes his tongue against my lip asking for permission. Though he doesn’t need any. The kiss escalated into something deeper. Hotter. He licks into my mouth and I feel heat stir in my stomach. Fuck.

He uses his arms already wrapped around me to place me on top of him. Ice bag long forgotten on the floor. We make out passionately as if our lives depend on it. I put my hand to the back of his neck and run through his gorgeous thick chocolate hair. So lush.

I find myself straddling his waist and grind my core against his half hard-on. He moans.

“Fuck..”

I grind harder with intention and fill fires of lust consume me. Holy fucking shit. It always feels like the first time. He puts his hands on my thighs gripping them and forcing me to go harder onto his dick.

After a few minutes he sits up, lips still connected and lifts me up. I smirk into the kiss already knowing where this is going. He carries me along the marbled tile hallway to our bedroom and throws me on the bed. He strips himself of his hoodie.

“You know... you’ve been quite disobedient to me, Y/N. I think it’s time to put you in your place.” He says sternly. God, he has never looked more hot.

///

A/N: thank you so much for reading!!!! Hopefully you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. This is my first fic so please let me know if you liked it! 

Lots of love.

-M

[artificialqueens]

Come on Baby, the Laugh Is on Me (Biadore) - Tanawrites

A/N - hey all! First time writing for this pairing so feel free to leave any constructive criticism, I honestly would love to hear any feedback as I’m my own beta at the moment. Using Bianca (she/her) and Adore (she/her) just because they’re in drag for the most part but am a firm believer of switching to he/him when they’re out of drag.

SUMMARY - AU in which both queens had never entered RPDR and met through doing the same gigs instead. Young, new drag queen on the scene Adore Delano can’t help butting heads with Bianca Del Rio, a self-proclaimed old seasoned queen who just doesn’t have the patience for her. Somewhat based on the comedy challenge in season 6 where Adore bombs (if Bianca had stepped in and helped her recover).

-

“Bianca!”

Only a well-trained hand stopped Bianca from jolting and smearing her otherwise perfect line or worse, stabbing herself in the eye in response to the sudden yell. Her hand drew away, eyeliner dangling midair and her eyebrow raised as much as she dared before her set.

“I have another twenty five minutes to get ready and you know an old hag like me needs every second of it.”

“The new girl, she’s dying out there.”

“And? Welcome to drag, queen.”

“C’mon, Bianca. She needs help and they’re all your regulars out there. Just go out, say Adore is a good friend of yours and everything will be fine.”

“Lying to the people. How original. Like the men in wigs weren’t enough, now we have to pretend to all be ‘sisters’ as well.”

A heavy sigh and a few more strokes under her eye, Bianca stood up and shooed past the show-runner. She pushed through a few layers of curtains, ignoring how closely the organiser was following behind her, practically jabbing her in the back with his clipboard to hurry up.  She’d like to see him walk faster in heels with his dick taped between his ass cheeks.

To put it bluntly, as she often did, Bianca didn’t really like Adore. She didn’t like the little to no effort in appearance, the blasé attitude, the different approach that these younger queens were taking to drag with. Where she came from, drag was hard work and you only succeeded at it if you were willing to put the time in. Not just stumbling in hungover from the night before and hoping things would work out.

She didn’t feel responsible to help the younger drag queen either. It had been a long time since she’d been booed off a stage or people didn’t laugh for her jokes. That didn’t mean it had never happened though and that was a big part in learning for Bianca. Builds character to not always be adored, she thought to herself.

Since the younger queen had started popping up at most of Bianca’s usual gigs, she hadn’t heard of Adore flatlining though so she knew something about tonight must be different. The audience usually ate up listening to Adore curse, dance around the stage in whatever baggy yet revealing outfit Adore liked to pass off as “grunge” and her usual skit about pizza, party, being a chola from Azusa.

Nothing seemed unusual about the way Danny had rushed into the dressing room ten minutes before he was supposed to start and hurried about transitioning into Adore. Then again, Bianca wasn’t paying that much attention to him to pick up on anything that was wrong. That wasn’t personal though, just how Roy always got ready. Quietly and methodically as he painted his face into Bianca.

Pressing one hand gently to her hair, Bianca took another second to check her appearance in the small mirror on the wall before she was taking the microphone that was pushed rather unceremoniously towards her and stepping out onto the stage as well.

“Well, well, well. Who the hell do we have here?” She rasped into the microphone confidently, truly letting Roy take the backseat as Bianca commanded her usual spot as centre of attention, moving to where Adore looked visibly uncomfortable.

That’s your first mistake, Bianca noted, showing any kind of weakness allowed the few hecklers Bianca could still hear from the back of the club feel like they had an opening. She couldn’t help but feel a twinge of something close to compassion for the young queen as she spoke directly to the hecklers, telling them to shut up or at least fine tune their insults to be entertaining. These bastards could be rough sometimes and hell, she was just a kid once as well.

It only grew when Adore went to make her way off the stage, her expression clearly distraught. And who wouldn’t after having the next drag queen come on stage early but Bianca wouldn’t accept that and quickly intercepted. She slung one arm around Adore’s waist - uncinched waist, she noticed with a hint of amusement at how much confidence this young queen seemed to have and sent a quick reassuring wink that was purely for Adore before turning back to the crowd.  

“I see you’ve all met my friend Adore Delano but have any of you heard her sing?”

-

After Adore’s and her own set’s time was up, she found herself still cackling at something Adore had said in their goodbye as they made their way backstage.

She didn’t know how they had gotten through the rest of Adore’s set as well as the entirety of her own as a duo but it had felt natural to keep going with the rhythm they’d eventually found together. Once Bianca had prompted Adore to sing, it was like the curse had broken immediately and the audience were back to practically worshipping the air Adore was breathing. She didn’t blame them either - Adore was mesmerising to watch perform.

Honestly she was surprised Adore hadn’t thought of it herself - Bianca wasn’t afraid to admit that Adore could truly sing. In fact, it was the only compliment she’d ever given Adore. After the first night she’d watched her on stage, she couldn’t help but applaud with the rest of the queens as they de-dragged at the end of the night when Adore walked in. The kid certainly had a set of lungs on her so Bianca couldn’t work out why that wasn’t a go-to for her when she couldn’t win over the crowd.

Bianca was more surprised how well their humour bounced off each other though. It was all too easy to poke fun at the younger queen because she’d been thinking most of it for months now. She felt herself softening as Adore served the banter right back to her though, not expecting such a sharp tongue. She was impressed. As much as she was known for being old and bitter, she was fair as well and would give credit where credit was due.

“I can’t believe that just happened.” Adore looked back at Bianca, clearly still feeling the adrenaline of a well received show. It was cute, Bianca had to admit to herself as she followed closely behind Adore.

“What part? Where you somehow forgot your whole script or the fact that you’re actually funny? Because I can’t believe it either,” Bianca quipped back but the smile she said with it said she was more amused than anything.

Apparently it hadn’t phased Adore either way though because she was still grinning from ear-to-ear as she slumped into the chair right beside Bianca’s in the dressing room.

“No seriously dude, that was awesome. Like I was totally drowning up there but we were so good.”

Bianca couldn’t help a small eye roll as she sat in her own chair, already bending to release her feet from the tight constraint of her heels.

“Some nights the crowd just aren’t picking up what you’re serving to them so I’m glad I could help, queen. You were great after you got out of your head.”

Then before she knew what was happening, she felt long arms curling around her shoulders and a barely combed wig against her cheek.

“Really, thank you for coming out there with me. And letting me totally hijack your set too. It was cool of you, so not like what we all say about you.”

Bianca laughed at that, reaching around to rub Adore’s shoulder a few times before they pulled away. “Don’t mention it. Seriously, don’t. Everyone will be up my ass to come perform with them if you start squealing.”

Adore looked like she had more to say but Bianca watched her expression change a few times, almost like she was reconsidering what to say each time. Bianca didn’t give herself a moment to consider her own thoughts, not wanting to read too much into them, before she was leaning forward to catch Adore’s gaze in the mirror.

“How about we do this, we get the fuck out of drag and I’ll take you to this bar down the street a bit. The first drink is on me.”

It seemed like it took a second for the offer to sink in for Adore and Bianca could understand, she hadn’t exactly been accommodating or particularly warm at all. So she was relieved when a smile, sweeter than she’d seen on stage or even towards any other queens when they were having a kiki after a show, broke across Adore’s face and she nodded.

“Okay, we’ll do it. Get a move on then, Delano. This clown make-up comes off a hell of a lot quicker than it goes on.”

[dawninlatin]

Queen of Peace, chapter 9

A Manorian High School AU

Words: 2780

AO3 Link

Masterlist

Summary: Manon Blackbeak is flawless, untouchable. From the outside at least. Her grandmother pushes her to achieve greatness, and she doesn’t let anyone get too close in fear of being hurt. How can anyone love her when not even her parents could?

Dorian Havilliard has always felt safe and confident around his friends. He might not have the greatest of families, but with Aelin and Chaol by his side, nothing can go wrong. That is until he tries keeping his greatest secret from them.

What will happen when Dorian and Manon gets to know one another? Can two lost souls find their way back together?

Sometimes I wish for falling

Wish for the release

Wish for falling through the air

To give me some relief

-Florence + The Machine, Falling

«So what did you do yesterday? Since you’re doing your homework last minute.» Dorian looked up from his math homework to find Manon taking him in with an amused expression.

They were sitting in the busy coffee shop a few blocks from school, spending their shared free period eating lunch together. Or, Manon was eating lunch while Dorian tried his very best to finish the homework he’d forgotten to do last night.

A few weeks had passed since the two of them had agreed to be friends, and almost immediately they’d fallen into a rhythm. They got coffee after school, they hung out during free periods, they met up at the library to do homework together. Manon still claimed she only did this so Dorian would stop bugging her, but she’d been the one suggesting they go out for lunch today.

«Erhm-,» Dorian begun, debating whether the truth would make her laugh or make him lose his last shred of dignity or both, even. Fuck it, he decided and confidently stated, «I was up watching Riverdale.» If you’re losing your dignity, better do it with swagger.

It took Manon a while to actually register what he’d said, but when she did, she set down her coffee and let out a snort. A snort that quickly turned into her lilting cackle. One thing Dorian had learned over these past few weeks was that nothing made her laugh harder than his suffering, and to be honest, Dorian didn’t mind. Not at all. She was adorable when she laughed.

«You didn’t mean that? Right?» Manon asked, suddenly all serious. «Please tell me you’re joking.» Dorian shot her a confused look.

«That show is literal trash,» she kept going once she realized Dorian had in fact not been kidding. «Sorry I changed my mind we’re not friends anymore, sorry, bye.» Manon even went as far as to start gathering up her things, but the barely-there smile playing on her lips told Dorian she was very much enjoying this.

«You just have to give it a try, it’s not that bad,» Dorian said, Manon sitting back down across from him. As he noticed a faint blush spreading on her cheeks, something in his head clicked into place. «You’ve watched it, haven’t you?»

Rolling her eyes, Manon answered, «Yes, but it was years ago. I watched a few episodes with Asterin.» Upon seeing Dorian’s smug expression, she quickly added, «Unwillingly.»

If it had been years ago…This time, Dorian was the one to break out into uncontrollable laughter. Oh my god, he thought, clutching his stomach. «You thought the first season was bad??» he managed to choke out. Manon only looked at him with a dumbfounded expression, having no idea what was so funny.

«I would give anything to see you watch season three and four. That’s when it really gets ridiculous,» Dorian explained, his laughter finally dying down. Manon chuckled and shook her head, returning to her half-full cup of coffee.

She stared out the window, and Dorian allowed himself to take her in, if only for a moment. There had been more and more of these moments over the past few weeks. Moments where she was looking a different way, moments where Dorian couldn’t stop his eyes from landing on her, moments where he found it impossible to look away. Dorian hadn’t let himself think about what it meant. Manon had been very clear from the beginning that they were only friends, and they would never be more than that.

Manon was like the sun, Dorian had decided. You knew you shouldn’t stare at it, but that was the exact reason why you did, why it was so hard to look away.

«Okay, but apart from Riverdale, have you watched anything good? I don’t watch much TV, but…» She never finished the sentence, seemingly lost in her own mind. Manon did that sometimes, trailing off to gods knew where. Dorian was certain it was a beautiful place.

Taking some time to think, Dorian tried to come up with a good show, sorting through the catalogue in his mind for something it was likely she had watched. Suddenly he thought of how she had loved reading a fantasy series, how eager she got whenever they discussed history or mythology. Hesitantly, he suggested, «Game of Thrones?» Manon’s eyes lit up.

«Yes!» She put down her empty cup. «Oh that was so good-»

«-apart from the final season,» Dorian finished.

A sigh. «Jon Snow deserved better.»

«I know. His storyline was a tragedy.»

Manon bit her lip, sinking further into her chair. «You know, I only started watching it because I thought he was hot.» She blushed, and Dorian couldn’t help but chuckle. «I stayed for the plot though. I swear!»

Same, Dorian nearly blurted out, before a voice in his head reminded him, Manon doesn’t know you’re bi. He wasn’t going to think about this now, so he shook his head and forced his signature smirk to appear, ignoring the sinking feeling in his gut.

«I still can’t get over the fact that you drink chocolate Frappuccinos with extra cream.» Smooth, Dorian, it definitely does not seem like you’re avoiding the subject of your shared fictional crush.

«Why?» she chuckled. «You expect me to order my coffee extra bitter so it matches my soul? While we’re at it, let me just gather up my things and head home to my cottage in the woods where I fly around on broomsticks and brew weird shit in cauldrons. My black cat must be tired of waiting.»

They were both laughing now, Manon’s dark, wicked sense of humor still taking him by surprise. «For real though, what do you do when you’re not at school or at dance practice?»

«Uhm,» Manon looked down at her shoes, suddenly uncomfortable. They hardly talked about serious stuff, private stuff. Dorian was ready to change the subject once more, but then she spoke: «I listen to music a lot, I guess.» A shrug.

«Anything good?»

«Doubt it, you seem like the type to listen to mainstream shit.»

«Please. And I bet your music isn’t as special as you think.»

«I bet you don’t know half of the stuff I listen to.»

«Why don’t you give me some examples?»

«Why don’t I send you a playlist when I get home?»

«Can’t wait,» Dorian smiled.

-

Gods, how difficult could it be to make a playlist?

Manon had been sitting with her laptop for an hour now, scrolling through her endless Spotify library to find the perfect songs. Nothing too mainstream, nothing too personal, nothing too impersonal. This was one hell of a challenge, she decided.

After narrowing it down to twenty songs she loved, after finding the perfect balance between upbeat and slow, between sad and happy, after meticulously arranging the order, making it not only a playlist, but a musical experience, Manon decided this would have to do.

Why do you care so much? She didn’t dare answer the question, too afraid of what the answer might mean. This was just her sending a friend a casual playlist.

Except it wasn’t. Nothing about her music was casual. It meant everything to her. Manon listened to music when she was happy, when she was sad, angry, whenever she felt lost and needed to be pointed back in the right direction. She listened to music when she was dancing, dreaming, disappearing. If one listened closely, her music revealed all her secrets, all her feelings, and for Manon, who was used to keeping it hidden away, locked in a box deep inside herself, sharing that with someone was terrifying.

But what terrified her the most right now, was that she actually wanted to share her music with Dorian. Being with him always left her feeling light and happy, she had started craving that feeling like a drug. And today…today when he had made her laugh so hard she’d had to set down her half-empty cup so as to not drop it, for a moment, Manon had imagined what it would be like to just lean in and kiss him. It would have been so easy, would have felt so good.

She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about that moment, about what it meant. Was she falling for him? Was she actually that stupid?

The only solution, really, was to stop hanging out with him, to ignore her feelings until they went away. So why haven’t you done it yet? Why do you keep going back?

Besides, even if she wanted to be more than friends, there was no way he felt the same way. Sure, he kept joking about how their meet-ups were dates, but that’s all it was, a joke. Being in a relationship with Dorian also meant letting him see who she was up-close, and as soon as he saw the broken, messed up truth, he surely would want nothing to do with her. Better to spare herself the heartbreak.

Ugh, feelings.

Manon decided it was too late to brood over such complex questions. Instead, she typed a quick message to Dorian, linked the playlist and hit send before she could change her mind.

Manon: Here’s the playlist. It’s best enjoyed if you listen to it in the right order. 22:03

And just like that it was done. Manon waited a few minutes for a reply and when none came, she quietly said to herself, «Girl, get your shit together.»

She stood up, stretched, and stepped out of her room to turn of all the lights, ready to just go to sleep. Asterin still hadn’t come home, but it was late, so she probably wouldn’t show up at all. What a surprise, Manon thought to herself.

When she reached the living room, she spied Abraxos staring at her from one of the couches. Manon turned of the lights and the creature immediately leapt to where she was standing in the hallway. «What kind of cat is afraid of the dark?» Manon asked her companion, sighing at his antics. Abraxos only stared up at her as if she was the stupid one.

It was true that the cat was afraid of the dark. Ever since he was a kitten, Abraxos simply refused to be alone in a room if the lights were off. Manon found it equally confusing and adorable.

She walked back to her bedroom, Abraxos trailing her like a shadow the entire time. Laying back down on the bed, Manon picked up her phone to see if Dorian had texted back yet. She couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when there was no new messages.

«Calm down, it’s not as if he’s looking at his phone at all hours, just waiting for you to text him, you creep,» she said to herself.

Instead of waiting, she opened Spotify, plugged in her earphones, and pressed play on the list she’d just sent Dorian, contempt to shut out the world for a little while.

-

That afternoon, when he’d gotten home from school, Dorian had waited, and waited, and waited, for a text from Manon, including a certain playlist she had promised him. He’d stared at his phone for hours, like some creep, hoping her name would pop up.

Around 10pm he’d given up and opted for spending some electronics-free quality time with his family. His mom’s suggestion, not his. Dorian had lasted about 20 minutes, before he once again fled to his room.

Leaving his phone alone had worked it’s magic though, because when he reunited with it, there was a text from Manon waiting to be opened. He was so eager he typed the wrong passcode. Twice.

Manon: Here’s the playlist. It’s best enjoyed if you listen to it in the right order. 22:03

The text was written in typical Manon-style. No spelling errors, perfect language, no emojis, only periods. What kind of teen only used periods when they texted? Manon never seized to surprise him.

Dorian opened the link, finding a playlist full of songs and artists he’d never heard of before. Told you. He could almost hear Manon’s voice say it, a smug smile playing on her lips.

Plugging his earphones in, Dorian leaned back and pressed play. In the right order, obviously.

-

About an hour later, as the final song died out into nothing, Dorian let out a long exhale, giving himself a moment to just be.

He didn’t know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. It was all so personal, so full of emotion and passion. The complete opposite of what he would have expected from Manon.

Dorian knew this was important. He had been shown a vital part of her, a part he suspected she hadn’t shown anyone before.

Who are you?

It was a question he had asked himself over and over again over the past few weeks. Manon was a mystery, a puzzle, and all that music, all that insight, felt like the most important piece of them all.

Who are you?

Yet he wasn’t sure if this had given him answers, or more questions.

-

Manon listened through the entire playlist without being able to fall a sleep. She had too much on her mind, too many thoughts churning in her head.

Her phone buzzed from the nightstand, and Manon sat up abruptly, knocking over a stack of books as she fumbled around for her phone. They landed on the floor with a bang, waking Abraxos from his carefree slumber in the process. The cat jumped and glared at Manon, then turned his back towards her, settling down once more. Manon did the mature thing and stuck out her tongue at him.

She’d nearly forgotten about the phone in her hand, but glancing down at the screen, she saw Dorian’s name, her heartbeat quickening in response.

Dorian: Sorry for not replying til now but I heard through the entire thing and fine you were right I hadn’t heard any of it before and yes you do have fantastic taste in music pls send me more!!!!! 23:41

Manon chuckled at his enthusiasm, pleased at having been right. She was about to type a response when she heard the front door open, then the sound of someone trying to stay quiet as they made their way through the house. Asterin.

She expected her cousin to go straight to her own room, but instead, Asterin stopped in front of Manon’s door, slowly pushing it open. She must’ve thought Manon was asleep, because she jumped slightly when she found Manon sitting upright, taking her in with curiosity and annoyance.

«I’m s-sorry, I thought you were sleeping,» Asterin whispered, her voice cracking. The sound of shuffling feet. A sniffle. Was Asterin crying?

Asterin walked over to Manon’s bed, and Manon made room for her, sliding under the covers. Asterin soon joined her, and neither said a word, Asterin’s soft crying filling the room.

«Did something happen?» Manon asked at last, unable to handle her cousin’s crying for much longer.

«You can’t tell her,» Asterin sobbed, burying her head in the mountain of pillows.

«Can’t tell her what?» Manon knew Asterin meant their grandmother, the heavy feeling in her stomach told her so. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear the answer. It couldn’t be anything good. Had she and Hunter broken up? Had someone hurt her?

Asterin furiously shook her head. «You have to promise, Manon. She c-can’t find out!»

«I promise,» Manon sighed, clearly uncomfortable. She’d never been good at dealing with crying people.

Still, Manon let Asterin creep closer, let her bury her face in the space between Manon’s neck and shoulder. Putting her arms around her shaking, crying cousin, Manon asked once more, «What’s wrong, Asterin?»

Asterin went completely still, not saying anything. Manon waited, waited to the point where she was sure her cousin had fallen asleep.

As Manon closed her own eyes, Asterin whispered something that made Manon go rigid, the words so quiet you could barely make them out.

«I’m pregnant.»

«Shit,» was all Manon could answer. She tried her hardest not to think about what their grandmother would do if she found out, panic spreading throughout her body.

Asterin started sobbing once more, so Manon began stroking her back, telling her to breathe, telling her to calm down, pushing aside her own worry and fear, for now. «It’s going to be okay,» she whispered to Asterin, not believing her own words one bit.

A/N: Wow I haven't updated this in forever. Sorry....

But as an apology I do come bearing gifts. Not only is this chapter the longest yet, I also made a fic playlist if you wanna vibe<3 In the wise words of Manon Blackbeak, it is best enjoyed in the right order;)

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3LFklksVGgX4X8LxoYzbbK?si=oC-3zOZMTC-B5Nd4C3QAZg

Also while I'm at it, a couple disclaimers:

- I have earlier made a lot of references to Harry Potter, but I will no longer do so, as I am not comfortable with referencing the work of an author who do not respect trans people. I hope you all understand this.

- Yes I mock Riverdale in this chapter and if you feel offended know that I will never understand how someone can actually enjoy that show but I DO respect you:)

As always, thank you sooooo much to everyone who takes the time to read, give kudos, like, reblog, write comments etc. For real I love you<3<3

Peace&Love<3 -Dawninlatin

[captainchrisfics]

Call It Even

About: First-person pov narrator is one of those doctors that consults on medical shows/movies for the sake of accuracy (God forbid I find the actual word for it anywhere on Google…) but it happens to be a project starring the one and only Chris Evans. After a little sexist slip up, he spends the fic trying to make it up to her. With absolutely not a single ulterior motive, mind you.

Word Count: 2,351

Requested By: Anon! Thanks for submitting this and being patient with me. Hope it’s everything you’ve been waiting for. x

P.S. This is so unabashedly and unapologetically inspired by Code Black, my favorite medical drama based on an eye-opening documentary. Totally check out the show and the doc if you haven’t, it’s had my heart since I was like 16. Neal Hudson in the first season, at least. And please forgive any inaccuracies, I did a bit of research for this one, but there’s not a ton available for this sort of thing.

“It’s weird having you here, not gonna lie,” Jack remarked with a smirk. He crossed his arms and looked me up and down, taking in the sight of me standing on his movie set.

He was right, it was weird for me to be here too, but I just told him to shut up and focus. I took aim and tossed the next grape into the air between us, which my friend ducked and nearly dove for and somehow failed to catch it in his mouth anyway.

“It’s weird that you’re still so bad at this,” I said with a snort. Playing catch with our food was a way we’d been killing time since our high school study hall, which he was just as bad at even back then.

Jack climbed off the floor with a pout. “This isn’t in my job description,” he argued, rolling his eyes. Since our first food-catching contest, my type-A, detail-oriented best friend had managed to land a job as a script supervisor. 

Lord knows he wouldn’t have made a good pitcher. He wound up and tossed a grape into the air way higher than he meant to, but I caught it between my teeth easily.

“Mine either,” I remarked, smiling smugly. Truth was, a movie set was way out of my wheelhouse. Typically, by now I’d be scrubbing in for surgery or sifting through mountains of paperwork, but today was different. This morning I was making the most of my M.D. by filling in for the medical consultant on Jack’s latest project. It was a movie following a guy’s residency experience in an inner-city ER more like a war zone, based on some documentary, but I didn’t know much other than that. The perks of being hired last minute.

While I didn’t think Jack would find my snide remark all that funny, I certainly didn’t expect the way he stood up straighter and stiffened his upper lip. My face contorted with confusion as I tried to ask what was up with him, but his attention was focused over my shoulder. 

There was a man I think I’d recognize anywhere. Even with his grown scruff and dark hair, the gentle curve of his torso transitioning from his wide shoulders to small waist was familiar. He was smiling so wide it crinkled the corners of his eyes, something I wasn’t used to seeing on screen, as he shook everyone’s hand. It was early in the morning, but he seemed peppy enough that he’d already been awake for hours. He was trailing behind the director, who was introducing the actor to everyone on set, but he stopped to laugh at something I couldn’t hear the cameraman say. His hand rose and touched his pec as he threw his head back with laughter I’d recognize a mile away.

“You didn’t tell me Chris fucking Evans was going to be here,” I hissed to Jack between the gritted teeth of my smile. I would’ve tried to hide the dark-circles that came with a night on call behind some concealer.

“And this is the script supervisor and medical consultant,” the director said, although his attention was more devoted to the clipboard in his hand.

“It’s nice to meet you, Doctor…?” Chris asked, reaching for a last name as he extended his hand to Jack. 

My friend looked between the hand and me with raised eyebrows and a slack jaw, taking offense on my behalf. I stretched to meet his hand and gave it a firm shake as I said, “That’d be me, actually.”

“Oh…” Chris sighed, processing his mistake. His face contorted with embarrassment, eyebrows furrowing and lips pursing as he kicked himself internally. “I didn’t- Well, I mean, I’m really sorry,” he said with wide eyes like a plea for forgiveness.

“Happens,” I shrugged him off, although it still felt his words land in the bottom of my stomach. After years of people hearing “doctor” and assuming “man,” the impact of the punch starts to dull. At first, I would grimace and snap back, but now I could smile through the wince. “I’ve gotten used to it. Nothing personal.”

“That’s a shame,” Chris answered with more sincerity than I anticipated. 

I nodded and chewed on my bottom lip, a little taken aback. I nervously retracted my hand as I realized, somehow, he was still holding it and tucked my hair behind my ear. Every bit of the excitement I’d felt for meeting Captain America was replaced with a terrible awkwardness that filled the space between us like air.

“Well,” Chris said, clearing his throat. He ran the hand I’d shook through his hair as he smirked. “It’s nothing compared to saving lives, but I hope you enjoy working on our set. We’re lucky to have you.” He smiled, genuinely and in recovery, this magnetic charisma washing over him and rolling off his aura like waves. 

“I just hope I never have to see another tv doctor break seizure protocol by pinning a patient down,” I snorted, rolling my eyes at my own bad joke.

Chris laughed, probably just to be nice, as he straightened his white lab coat by the lapels. “I won’t let you down,” he promised. Chris stood there looking at me with his undivided attention, as if he didn’t have a filming schedule to keep or dozens of more crew members to meet. I shifted uncomfortably, feeling the fiery blush of my cheeks spreading with every second until the director cleared his throat and kept tugging Chris along.

I turned to Jack, my mouth opening and shutting just like the fish out of water I felt I was, as I tried to put words to the feelings in my chest or the thoughts in my head. He didn’t have any to offer either though, only wide, shocked eyes.

“I can’t believe he thought you’d be a man,” Jack said incredulously, almost breathlessly.

“Please,” I retorted, brushing him off with a wave of my hand. “I’m used to that. What I can’t believe is that anyone could think you were a doctor.”

Jack shoved my shoulder as he rolled his eyes, their playful glint giving him away. 

The next time I saw Chris, he was knelt on a gurney, straddling the dummy “patient” he was meant to be treating in his grand entrance. He was put in scrubs and spritzed with faux sweat to make it look as though he’d been working on saving people with every last ounce of himself, totally not because it made him glisten like the heavens under the fluorescent hospital lights. He seemed focused though, with the tip of his tongue peeking out between his chapped lips and his thick brows knitted together in mock concentration, as he was wheeled to the Trauma Bay. 

But it didn’t take an expert’s eyes to see that Chris’s hands were far too low, so the only thing he’d be giving anyone was a sick stomach instead of CPR, and his rhythm was completely off.

And then his shoulders started shaking as he chuckled, dropping his head in a dry laugh. Through the camera’s screen, I watched Chris look at the lens’s operator with this shit-eating grin as he scoffed and said, “I bet this looks pathetic, huh?”

Then he turned to me, this spark in his eye that caught fire in my stomach. “Mind showing me how to do this? I thought I could fake it ‘til I made it, but evidently…” Chris trailed off as he sat up, leaning back on his heels invitingly.

I crossed my arms and leaned back in my folding chair. “Isn’t that your job?” I teased with raised eyebrows at Chris, whose smile only grew.

“I thought this was yours?” he volleyed back, one of his eyebrows reaching its peak.

“At least for today,” I rolled my eyes, albeit more playfully than I’d intended. I hopped up and met him at the side of the gurney, trying to ignore all the eyes on us.

I instructed Chris to resume the position he’d had before, leaning over the dummy. I tucked myself between his arm and ribs. “You want to have your hands like this,” I said, showing him how I tucked the fingers of my left hand between that of my right and placed my palm over the chest’s sternum. 

We were impossibly close, every breath borrowed from the other, and suddenly I was kicking myself for the third cup of coffee. It was funny, seeing someone covered in “sweat” but smelling so much like a fresh shower.

“Push about two inches deep thirty times,” I said. Chris put his hands over mine, guiding his hands with mine as I placed pressure on the sternum, making it hard to focus. I definitely miscounted by at least a dozen, but Chris didn’t mention it. I had a feeling he wasn’t being the most attentive either. All I could feel was his chest pressed against my back and my heart pounding so hard it felt like ready to break a rib.

“Before you pinch the nose, lean the head back, and breathe,” I demonstrated, moving Chris’s hand to the stomach so he could feel it inflate. Once I pulled away, he followed my lead.

“I think I get it now,” he said as he sat up, tongue tracing his bottom lip. He blinked slowly, blue eyes growing glazed. 

“You’re welcome,” I responded, clearing my throat and stepping away from Chris without another beat passing between us, as quick as you’d drop a pan after getting burned.

Chris frowned slightly and only for a second, though I still caught the deep creases that carved themselves into the corners of his lips and in between his furrowed brow. “Thanks,” he said, almost disappointed, if I didn’t know any better.

I tried to keep my distance after that. Mostly because there were way too many minor, infuriating inaccuracies I couldn’t give any input on for the sake of the storyline so I figured I might as well take a step back. But, if I’m honest, it was partly because I was trying to avoid a certain star as well.

I stood at the snack table, staring at a bowl of apples and trying to figure out exactly what happened earlier. Make some sort of sense of the butterfly wings fluttering so furiously in my stomach I was starting to feel ill. 

Then, almost like I was speaking of the devil, Chris appeared out of thin air. He leaned against the table, saying something about how sitting on the sidelines between takes he wasn’t in was the worst part. “But I’ve been looking for a chance to really apologize to you since this morning,” he said dejectedly, that goosebump-inducing gaze flitting from my eyes.

“It’s really alright,” I insisted, running out of patience for it. I was growing tired of all these guys around me trying to right their wrongs against me for their own sake instead of just moving on as I intended to.

“No, it isn’t” Chris responded anyway, leaning an elbow against the table as he relaxed. My eyes outlined his broad shoulders, watching how their muscles contracted as he stretched.

I smiled, trying to be polite. “All’s been forgiven,” I promised. Silently, I begged him not to bring it up again. I took a shot at changing the subject, as I said, “I was thinking of getting lunch soon. Anywhere you recommend?” 

Chris’s head glanced to the set, going along just fine without him. “I’ve got a little over an hour until my next scene,” he thought out loud, almost absentmindedly. He turned back to me, the corner of his mouth lifting up in this smirk that made me painfully aware of my racing pulse. “And a craving for some tacos,” Chris continued as he moved even closer to me, oblivious to how soon his CPR crash course might come in handy.

I took a few deep breaths and stared at our shoes. Those ocean eyes were about to be the death of me if I couldn’t figure out how to keep my head above water around Chris. I hoped I would be, for at least a little while longer.

“I would really like to take you out to this place around the corner,” Chris posed, staring at me with these pleading eyes through his dark lashes. He cleared his throat before adding, “I mean, if you want to of course.”

“Look,” I sighed as Chris’s shoulders dropped. “I appreciate it, really, but you don’t need to try to keep making up for your slip up earlier. It’s fine, I’m fine, I don’t need you to take me to lunch to make me feel better,” I snapped. Maybe every feeling mixing in my chest finally boiled over, but it wasn’t worth the way Chris looked at me.

“No, I…” he trailed off, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I mean, yeah, I still feel like shit for my sexist assumption, but that has nothing to do with this,” Chris maintained in exasperation. “Well, to be totally honest, I was trying to ask you out on a date.”

For a split second, I swear I flat-lined. “What is that supposed to mean?” I spit out, unable to believe it.

Chris only laughed before he said, “I was gonna buy, try to talk to you some more. Make up for being an idiot earlier, sure, but maybe get your number if I was lucky.”

“Hell,” I said, breaking out into a flustered grin. “I’m the lucky one in that case.” Chris chuckled again, but I didn’t give him a chance at another wise-crack. “I suppose I could accept that offer,” I teased, playfully biting my bottom lip as I pretended to think it over. “If only to atone for snapping at you.”

Chris nodded as he laughed, holding his hand over his heart. “I see how it is,” he crossed his arms, playing stiff. He sucked his teeth as he thought it over. “I guess we could call it even then.”

Tags: @patzammit , @thegetawaywriter , @coffeebooksandfandom , @captainsteveevans , @intrepidandabitcrazy , @super100012 , @spilledinkindumpster , @torntaltos , @amiquette , @peach-acid , @southerngracela , @kelbabyblue , @artisticrogers1972 , @bval-1 , @elatedmarvel

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[bulbpix]

If You Just Listened - Part 12

The apartment building's laundry room was hot and stuffy. You shoved your last batch of clothes into the largest machine you could find, pushing the door shut with the side of your arm.

Sweaty, and both mentally and physically exhausted, you lugged yourself on top of the washer and slouched on it, resting your elbows on your knees.

You sat there for a bit, staring at the wall. You could hear an old clock aggravatingly tick.

Tick-tock Tick-tock Tick-tock

"What is wrong with me?"

You groaned, slapping yourself on the forehead.

A few hours ago, you got home from work and began your laundry. On any other night, this would've been fine. Normal. Just doing your laundry. But tonight, it could not have been more rude.

After taking a shot with Lucy, you continued your shift as usual. Well, as usual as you could make it.

Arthur made joke after unbearable joke on stage, seeming to find a rhythm in himself despite the lack of reception from the crowd. Perhaps the jokes weren't so bad, maybe it was his terrible delivery. Either way, it was not a pretty sight to see.

Each table you tended had something to say about your friend.

"You guys really let anybody on stage, huh?" "Leaving him on is just cruel." "Can't you just tell someone to get the guy off the stage?" "Christ, it's like watching a kid try to do comedy. Actually, kids are funnier."

You said nothing. You took their empty glasses, you cleaned their tables, you pulled their seats out for them, you served their food. You couldn't build up the courage to say anything in defense of your friend.

You didn't even pretend to laugh at the jokes. What if your co-workers saw you laughing? There's no way you'd be able to climb the social ladder. Even if they knew you were just trying to make him feel better. You already knew what they'd say.

"Why are you trying to help the shmuck out? Let him learn, this is Gotham. He's got no chance here."

And if they didn't know that? They would just think you were weird.

The longer you were there, the more the guilt consumed you. As soon as your shift was over, you rushed out of Pogo's in shame, unable to bear another second. Arthur must've wondered where you went.

You imagined him. Standing outside in the cold. Waiting for you to come out. Not knowing you were long gone.

And now here you were, mulling over your guilt-ridden thoughts while sitting on an old washing machine.

You tried to justify yourself, remembering your strange encounter with him the other night. He was quiet, beaten, bloody. What if he did something bad?

Or, what if he just got mugged, and now was being alienated by you on top of that?

You buried your face in your hands.

"Oh my God, I'm such a..." "Such a what?"

Arthur held a basket of dirty clothes in one arm, pushing the entrance open with his other. He smiled at you, completely unaware of what you were thinking.

Your heart dropped to the bottom of your chest. You looked down, unable to face him.

"Something wrong?" Arthur placed his basket on the machine next to yours, looking at you with worry on his face.

That question was like a punch in the gut. You should've bee the one comforting him. Not the other way around.

Did he not care that you ditched him? Did he not see you dead-faced at his stand-up?

"No, nothing's wrong, it's just... I mean... You.."

Arthur sighed, beginning to place his clothing in the machine.

"I see," he murmured. "It's because of what I asked the other day." He looked up at you. "It's okay, I should've apologized for walking off like that."

Oh, great. Now he's apologizing to me.

Honestly with all that happened that day, you had forgotten Arthur even asked you out.

You shook your head, finally making yourself look at him.

"No, Arthur. Your stand-up. I feel terrible I didn't stick around, I know we always walk back together when you come to Pogo's. It's just..."

There's no way you could tell him the truth of why you left.

"I had so much laundry to do, I really wanted to rush over and take care of it."

Well. I'm a fucking asshole.

Arthur smiled at you. "Is that what you're worried about? It's nothing. Don't sweat it." He chuckled, continuing to move his clothes into the washer. "What'd you think of the show, though? The crowd really seemed to like me."

...what?

"Uh... Well, listen Arthur. We're friends, right?" "Yeah." "So, we value what we have to say about each other, right?" "Yeah?" "Okay..."

You took a deep breath.

"I think your stand-up could use a little work."

Arthur chuckled, resting his hand on his knee. "You didn't like it?" He leaned his head to the side. "That's okay. What do you think I should do?"

You widened your eyes. You were surprised he took that so well.

"I'm not sure, I don't do comedy really. Maybe change the jokes up a little? I think they were a bit too...family friendly. For Pogo's, at least."

"Ah." Arthur scratched his chin, reaching behind him and pulling out a notebook. The same notebook you saw him writing in at Pogo's? That was so long ago. You stared at it curiously.

"I have some more mature stuff in here," he began, flipping through the pages. "Ah, here's one." He cleared his throat, raising the book closer to his face. "Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?"

You smiled, shrugging.

Arthur chuckled a bit to himself. "Because his wife is dead."

You stared at him for a second, not sure if you understood the joke. You thought about it, before a grin slowly crept on to your face. "Arthur, that's dark," you tried to say through your laughter. The more you thought about it, the harder you laughed. You never imagined that such an innocent person like Arthur could tell a joke like that. You tried to stop yourself, accidentally snorting instead. The weird combination of dark humor and Arthur (of all people) was such a hilarious mix-up, you couldn't handle it.

Arthur stared wistfully at you, your laughter like music to his ears. It was night, and you were both in a windowless basement, but he swore there was a ray of sunshine on you. You were in baggy pajama shorts and a stained tank top, but to him you could not have looked more beautiful.

"So, that's a keeper then?" He beamed.

You shook your head, coming down from your laughter. That joke was so... unexpected, compared to what he was saying on stage. "No, no, I don't think Gotham is ready for that one. It was good though."

Arthur sucked his teeth, tucking the notebook into his back pocket. "Guess they don't know good comedy when they see it."

You shrugged, "It's alright, we'll work on it."

Arthur pulled himself on top of the machine next to yours. You were happy knowing that you and Arthur were on good terms, especially after that series of events that you were certain would ruin your friendship. Being there together in that crappy laundry room basement was the highlight of your day. You turned to him, seeing a small lump on his cheek from the other night.

Your mood immediately sunk.

"So..." "Hm?" "What happened the other night?" "What do you mean?"

You were baffled. What other night could you possibly be referring to?

"When you slept over?"

Arthur's back stiffened. You were the only person besides his mother that he felt truly comfortable with. That didn't mean he could tell you what happened, though. What would you think of him if you knew? It wouldn't be pretty, he knew that. He would have to think of a lie instead. It felt awful, knowing he had to lie to you. However, to risk losing you? The trade wasn't worth it. He wanted you to know everything about him. Everything. He wanted to share his entire life with you. Maybe if he waited. Maybe if you spent more time together. For now, he would have to cover it up. But man, he really wanted to tell you.

"It was a really bad day, I just needed a friend."

Arthur tightened his lips, looking down at his hands. He reached up, touching his shoulder.

"I... I lost my job at Haha's. Said I wasn't funny enough."

"Oh, Arthur..." you clutched at your chest.

"The place I was assigned to that day was far. Deep Gotham. I got the call that my job was over when I was done there. I didn't really know the area, I didn't know what the people were like there. I should've been more careful, less thoughtless... I ended up getting mugged by a few guys on the train on my way home."

Oh, no. It was exactly what you feared. You assumed too much, you feared Arthur for nothing. All you did was make yourself afraid of your poor, beaten friend.

You thought about it. He was probably just minding his own business on the train, before these guys just decided to pick on him. And he was wearing his clown outfit that night. Who picks on a clown?!

At least now that you knew, you could be there for him.

"I'm sorry, bud. It'll be alright."

You wrapped your arm around Arthur's shoulder, shuffling closer to him.

Arthur smiled, looking at your hand. "He wondered when you would hold his shoulder like this again." He missed this feeling.

A/N - Sorry for the long wait everyone! Finals season, you know how it is. ALSO - Tell me if you'd like to be tagged, i know a few of u asked but i totally lost track

@geronimosanna @theworldthroughmynikon

[antiadvil]

Comet Me, Bro

summary: Dan and Phil are chosen to be the first colonizers of Mars. They’re the perfect choice: they get along incredibly well, they graduated training at the top of their class, and they’re both incredibly ready to spend years, perhaps an entire lifetime, as far away from humanity as possible.

The problem? Dan has a crush on Phil. And Phil doesn’t know.

OR:

“Phil? We meed to have a talk,” Dan said.

“Wow,” Phil said. “You look so serious. Sa-turn that frown upside down.”

“See, that’s what it is,” Dan said. “Your space puns are driving me literally insane.”

rating: G

wc: ~2.4k

notes: this is for @itsmyusualphannie and was betad by @sudden-sky, both of whom are lovely people and writers you should go follow

read on ao3 or after the cut

Mars was cold, Dan thought during one of his twice daily walks between his botany lab and the Hub. Mars had always been cold, but there was something especially cold about it today. Maybe the seasons were changing. He genuinely had no idea what season it was now, or which season was up next, or how long it would last, or how seasons even worked on this planet. All he knew was Mars’s cold seeping under his suit and into his bones. He shivered all the way back to his semi-possibly-maybe-permanent home, and after going through the airlock and stripping off his spacesuit, he entered the common area to find Phil setting their table for dinner.

“I don’t know why you always get the plates out,” Dan said. They ate the same meal three times a day: glorified, nutrition-filled goop. Putting it on a plate or in a bowl before putting it in their mouths didn’t make that much of a difference.

Phil shrugged. “It makes it feel more like home, don’t you think?”

Dan ignored the implication that this was a home. That this was their home.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want it to be. Dan and Phil got along well. Their names went well together- Dan and Phil. Phil and Dan. They almost never argued, and when they did, it was almost always resolved in hours, or even minutes. They even had the same taste in anime, for god’s sake. They literally could not be more compatible as roommates. There was just one issue: Dan had a crush on Phil. He had for the six months they’d known each other. When it first surfaced, he had assumed it was a temporary thing that would be gone within weeks. Oh, how wrong he had been. Spending a month in a cramped spaceship with Phil followed by two months together on a deserted planet had not helped the situation. Dan had hoped he would become immune to Phil’s presence after this long, but he had no such luck. Being in Phil’s presence still made him feel that weird combination of warm, cold, and tingly all over. Eye contact was torturous. Physical contact was the best kind of hell.

If they were any other kind of coworkers or friends, Dan would have made his move by now. But they weren’t. They were literally the only two people on the planet, and if Phil didn’t feel the same way, or he did and it didn’t work out, things could get really awkward in the 100 square foot building Phil was calling their home.

It was better to say nothing. Hopefully this would all blow over.

Dan sat at the table. “What’s for dinner?” he asked, going along with Phil.

Phil smiled proudly. “Well, here we have liquified protein. Supposedly it comes from some kind of animal, but it definitely doesn’t taste like it.”

“Sounds delicious,” Dan said. He had been vegan back on Earth, he remembered. How far away that seemed now. He had known it probably wouldn’t be realistic for a space mission, and he had never been very good at sticking with it anyway. Still, he missed it.

“And here we have our vitamins and minerals! Again, suspended in some kind of liquid. I asked if they could make it flavored, like those fun vitamins they have so kids will eat them, but these do not taste like citrus, so I’m guessing they didn’t get the memo.”

“How unfortunate.” Dan could feel the fondness seeping into his voice. He shuddered.

“Really unfortunate,” Phil agreed. “And here’s this one. I’m not actually sure what this is. It doesn’t really matter, they all taste the same.”

Dan nodded. “I never thought I would say this, but right now I would literally die for a vegetable.”

“I mean,” Phil said. “That’s your job, right?”

Dan shrugged. “I don’t think we’re supposed to eat the plants I grow, Phil.”

“Then what are they good for?” Phil demanded.

“I don’t know. What are your rock samples good for?”

Phil puffed up his chest. “Science.”

“Then that’s what my plants are good for,” Dan said. “And maybe if we’re lucky, NASA will let us eat them once I’m done experimenting on them. We can’t eat rocks, therefore, I am the superior team member.”

“Oh, yeah?” Phil said, “Comet me, bro.”

Dan literally facepalmed.

“Get it?” Phil asked. “Come at, like, comet?”

“Phil,” Dan said. “Phil. I got the joke. You don’t need to explain it. It just wasn’t funny.”

Phil looked deeply disappointed.

“I guess I’m just not a puns person,” Dan confessed.

“How did I not know that by now?” Phil asked.

Dan just shrugged.

“You will be a puns person by the time I’m done with you,” Phil promised, and Dan’s heart did the little pitter patter thing it did whenever Phil did dumb shit. He ignored it.

“Phil, I promise I will not be,” Dan said.

That was the end of it, he thought. They went through multiple Martian days following their usual routine, and Phil didn’t make any more puns. In fact, Dan and Phil didn’t even see each other that often. Phil was busy with some sort of issue with their rover, and one of Dan’s plants was looking like it was about to sprout, so he was spending way more time than his circadian rhythm found acceptable in the lab.

This was the first plant to grow on Mars. He couldn’t let anything go wrong.

Of course, sometimes it wasn’t up to him. He woke up the next morning to blaring alarms.

It took a moment for reality to set in. He wasn’t sure what time it was, but the sky was pitch black outside his window. He couldn’t even see the moons.

Dan stumbled out of bed. Phil was waiting in the common area.

“Dust storm,” Phil said, his face pale and his voice deathly quiet.

Dan froze. “I mean, it can’t be that bad- It’s just a storm-”

“I don’t know. But the alarm-”

“What does the control console say?”

Phil ran his hands through his tangled brown hair. “I didn’t check,” he admitted.

Dan turned to the control console. He took a deep breath. “That’s a lot of red.” Dan took another deep breath. Where to even start? Another deep breath.

Thankfully, Phil seemed to know what to do. “Error 4962,” he read from the main screen. “What does that mean?”

Dan’s mind raced. Two was an even number, which meant it was a technical error. Four was an even number, too, so the issue was with hardware somewhere, not software. He searched quickly through the secondary screen. “Airlock breach in Laboratory A.” He sucked in a breath. His laboratory. The plants.

“Dan,” Phil warned.

“I have to suit up,” Dan said.

“It can wait. Dan, I-”

“I’m sorry, Phil. My plants-”

“Your plants can wait,” Phil snapped.

“No they can’t,” Dan said. “Phil, they’ll die.” Exposure to the Martian atmosphere would kill anything given enough time. Even plants. He wouldn’t let them die. Not his plants. Not after all the hours he had spent nurturing them, coaxing them into growth. Not now.

“You can’t go outside right now.”

Dan quickly stepped into his spacesuit, strapping his boots on and then working his way up. “Phil, if these plants die-”

“Dan, you are literally the only person on this planet. I cannot lose you.” Phil’s voice wavered.

Dan stopped.

“Please don’t go,” Phil said, his voice breaking. “Please.”

Dan sat down on the floor. “My plants,” he said.

Phil sat down next to him.

“I’m sorry.”

Dan’s eyes burned. He swiped at them with the back of his hand. “It’s not your fault,” he muttered.

Phil didn’t reply, just folded his arms around Dan and let him cry. Dan allowed himself to fall back into Phil’s arms, shaking and crying a lot more than what was socially acceptable for a man his age to shake and cry. They stayed like that, even when Dan was calm again, until the storm died down and Dan sat up awkwardly.

“I should probably check the lab,” He said.

Phil let go of Dan. Maybe he imagined it, but it Phil’s hands seemed to linger on his body. “Do you want me to come with you?”

Dan shook Phil off. “I’ll be fine.” He didn’t need Phil to see him have another breakdown over the death of a bunch of plants.

“Okay.” Phil didn’t push Dan, but his eyes were much softer than normal. “Let me know if you need anything.”

Dan nodded. “I will.”

The lab was just as much of a disaster as he expected. Even though the breach in the airlock was barely visible to the human eye, the sudden burst of air escaping had sent lab equipment scattering across the room. The fine, powdery dust that covered the Mars surface had also gotten into the lab and spread across the previously pristine, white tables and floor.

His plants were dead. Of course they were. He had known they would be. But there was something heartwrenching about seeing them like this, torn and uprooted.

Dan scowled. First the whole thing with Phil, and then his plants, and they weren’t even halfway through the mission. If the mission was ever even going to end.

Dan cleaned up what was left of his plants. He swept up all the Martian dust on the floor before resealing the airlock, waiting for the room to re-pressurize, and planting the backup seeds. Then he walked back to the Hub, his mind numb and exhausted. Phil was waiting for him.

“Hi,” Phil said. The sun was rising. Now that Dan could see Phil’s face in natural light, he realized how tired Phil looked.

“I’m going to go back to bed,” Dan said.

Phil nodded.

“Good night, Phil.”

“Yeah,” Phil said, smiling wryly at the sunbeams shining through their window. “Good night. I’ll wake you up if I need you.”

“You’re not sleeping?”

“Something’s still wrong with the rover. I haven’t figured out what. People who know what they’re doing are supposed to be running diagnostics today. I have to be awake in case they need anything from me.”

Dan nodded. “You’ve been working so much lately.”

Phil shrugged. “You have too.”

Dan laughed bitterly. “And look how well that worked out.”

“I know. But it’ll be okay. You planted the backups, right?”

Dan shrugged. Technically Phil was right, but he didn’t want to think about starting over right now. He just wanted to sleep.

-

By the time Dan woke up, the sun was setting again.

He wandered back into the common area. Phil jumped, a spoon clattering from his hand onto the floor. Dan jumped too. “Sorry,” he said, rubbing his arm sheepishly.

“Yeah, you just startled me,” Phil said, picking his spoon up.

“Why are you eating nutritional goop with a spoon anyway?” Dan asked.

Phil shrugged. “It makes me feel less sad about it,” he said. The tips of his ears were red.

“Sorry about delaying your vegetables,” Dan said.

Phil shrugged again. “It’s not your fault.”

Phil still looked tired. Dan was struck by a sudden urge to protect Phil from everything around him- from the harsh Martian landscape, from the long hours, from the toll being so far away from his family and friends was slowly having on him.

“Hey Phil,” he said. “What did the head of NASA say about that Russian meteor strike?”

Phil looked up. “I don’t know. What?”

“No comet.”

Phil laughed. Dan smiled triumphantly.

He regretted it the next day when the puns started up again. Honestly, they were cute the first time. The twenty-seventh time? Not so much.

After Phil made a particularly egregious joke about Dan remembering to update his spacebook, Dan decided that enough was enough. He went through his duties for the day, eating quickly on his own once he was done (Phil had figured out what was wrong with the rover and was trying to repair one of its circuits. Dan, who failed an electrical engineering class in college, chose to stay out of Phil’s way).

When Phil came back, Dan gave him just enough time to eat before confronting him. “Phil? We need to have a talk,” Dan said.

“Wow,” Phil said. “You look so serious. Sa-turn that frown upside down.”

“See, that’s what it is,” Dan said. “Your space puns are driving me literally insane. Also, I might be in love with you.” He froze. “Uh, I mean, just the first one. I don’t know why I said that. I don’t have a crush on you. I’m actually straight, very straight, I don’t know if you knew that-”

“Dan,” Phil said. “We’re friends on spacebook. I know you’re not straight.”

“Uhhhh,” Dan said, his eyes crossing.

“And between you and me, I’d always hoped that our relationship might become more than plutonic.”

“Uhhhh,” Dan said.

“I think you’re out of this world, actually.”

That finally snapped Dan out of it. “I am literally going to kill you.”

“Come on. Why do you have to take everything so Sirius-ly?”

Dan squinted. “Did you just say Sirius, as in the star?”

“Maybe?”

Dan sat down on the ground. “I need a nap.”

Phil patted his shoulder, sitting next to him. “How do you get an astronaut baby to fall asleep?”

Dan looked up. “Are you calling me a baby?”

“What? No! Unless you want me to? And the answer is you rocket, by the way.”

Dan let his head fall again.

“Dan, I’m just trying to show you that I’m over the moon for you.”

“Show it by using less space puns please,” Dan mumbled.

“I’m Neptune-ing you out,” Phil said. “It’s important to ignore the haters.”

Dan sighed. “Phil. I have something really important to tell you.”

“What?”

Dan beckoned Phil closer. “It’s really important.”

“I’m listening,” Phil said, eyebrows furrowing.

Dan looked him dead in the eyes. “Get outer my space.”

Phil’s lips parted as he stared at Dan. Dan stared back. “That was the best pun I’ve ever heard,” Phil said breathlessly. He pulled Dan into a passionate kiss.

Outside, the sun was beginning to set. Dan knew it must be his imagination, but with golden light playing across his body and Phil’s lips pressed against his, he felt just a little bit warmer.

[tomsgreg]

Are Lovebirds Pigeons Too?

Summary:  When Stanley becomes disappointed that nobody wants to join his bird-watching club, Richie decides to be a good friend and join him in his endeavors.

Notes:  Hey! Hopefully, you enjoy this! I actually researched birds native to Maine for this! Like, reblog. reply, and or send asks if you do!

Ao3: Are Lovebirds Pigeons Too?

   Stan loved the losers, he did, but he’d also be lying if he said he didn’t wish he had some other friends who appreciated his some of his other interests more. Sure his baseball team appreciated baseball the way he did, but he doesn’t exactly enjoy spending time with them outside of when he needs to be. He just wished he had somebody to sit and watch birds with every so often. That’s why he started the bird watching club. Yet here he was, at the fifth meeting, alone again. He doesn’t know why he made this stupid club, he was perfectly fine watching birds alone until the idea came to him that maybe he didn’t have to, but, evidently, he does have to.

----

    A week later and Stan was preparing himself to once again be let down by the lack of people in his club. You’d think that after a month and a half of the same it would be less disappointing, but it doesn’t. It just becomes more of a reminder that your interests aren’t normal for people your own age. Stan shut his locker and walked towards the school’s exit when he felt a familiar set of hands on his shoulders,

    “Stan my man, what’s up? Going to that bird club of yours?”

    Stan sighed and stopped walking, turning towards his best friend, “I’d hardly call it a club, Richie. It’s just me there every week.”

    Richie was going to make a joke about Stan trying to replace the losers, or even about birds being lame and that’s why nobody wants to join, but he was looking at Stan looking genuinely sad. He never saw his friend like this over being alone. Usually, Stan valued his alone time every so often. Suddenly Richie had an idea.

    “You know, Stan, if you want someone to come with you today, I’ll go.”

    Stan nearly scoffed at the idea, Richie was his best friend, so he knew better than to think he had any interest in bird watching, “Rich, you really don’t have to. You can just go home and-”

    “No, Stan! I want to-I really want to go with you. I think it would be fun.” Richie smiled nervously, Stan noticed that for the first time since they met, Richie looked nervous to be around him, almost the way he used to look at Bowers’s cousin during that summer, but it couldn’t be. Stan was just reading too deeply into it. Richie doesn’t like him.

    Stan returned a sheepish smile before replying, “Then what are we waiting for, trashmouth? Let's go.”

    Stan and Richie left the school and headed towards the quarry.

    “Stan, why are we going to the quarry? We spent the whole fucking summer there. There are no birds.”

    Stan shook his head, “Then you haven’t been paying enough attention. Besides, that’s not where we’re going. We’re going to the woods.”

    Richie raised his eyebrows, “The woods? Oh, near the kissing bridge? How romantic Stanley.”

    Stan’s face felt hot and he knew it was bright red. Usually he’d be unbothered by Richie’s comments, but with the way he was staring at him earlier, and now Stan is holding Richie by the hand, leading him towards the area Richie had never been before, it’s all a bit too much for him, “Shut up, Richie.” Unbeknownst to Stan, Richie was also blushing, struggling to keep his up with his usual trashmouth self. Stan stopped walking and he let go of Richie’s hand, “We’re here.” he said, removing his blanket from his bag and his pair of binoculars. He laid the blanket down before sitting and patting the blanket next to him, signaling for Richie to sit, which he gladly did.

    “Ya know Stan, I still don’t see many birds.”

    “We just got here. They’ll come. We just have to be quiet and wait.”

    The two boys sat together in the comfortable silence they’ve come to enjoy over so many years of friendship. Stan shifted slightly and his hand brushed against Richie’s. Both pretended not to notice the other’s cheeks become a subtle shade of pink, because there’s no way it could be because of the other. Richie was watching Stan and suddenly his face lit up.

    “What do you see, Stanny?” Richie asked, and the small bird looked towards them briefly before choosing to ignore them.

    “Be quiet,” Stan whispered, pointing to the small brown bird in the tree, “it’s up there.”

    “Is that a pigeon?” Richie asked, his voice hardly a whisper.

    Stan shook his head, he should’ve known Richie would treat this as a joke, but he told him anyway, “It’s a black-billed cuckoo. Coccyzus erythropthalmus. One of the few cuckoo species that look after their own eggs. They’re omnivorous, mainly eat insects though,”

    Stan continued speaking about the bird and Richie intently listened, eyes shifting from the bird and towards Stan. He looked at Stan’s brown eyes and his smile reached them. Stan looked genuinely happy and his passion made Stan look all the more beautiful to Richie. He wanted to kiss him and tell him how beautiful he looked when he was passionate, but he kept quiet, knowing Stan could never reciprocate.

    Stan stopped speaking and Richie pointed over to a tree branch directly above them, the two boys laid back, “What about that Stan? Is that a pigeon?”

    Stan shook his head, “Richie, it's safe to say we won’t see many pigeons here.”

    “But we have, because that’s a pigeon, right?”

    Stan shook his head again, this time letting out a soft chuckle, “No. It’s a great crested flycatcher. Myiarchus crinitus. It’s the most widespread member of its genus. It’s almost always in the treetops. It actually doesn’t have sexual dimorphism like most birds do. Males and females generally look the same.”

    Richie stared at Stan again, looking at his soft lips and wondering how they’d feel against his own.

    “Richie,” Richie was still in his own head when Stan lightly smacked his shoulder, and he became aware of how dark it suddenly was, “Rich. It’s getting dark. We should go home now.”

    Richie sat back up and nodded, before standing and helping Stan fold his blanket, “You know Uris, I really enjoyed being here today. Would it be okay if I came with you next week?”

    Stan smiled widely, nodding his head. Maybe he didn’t need new friends to bird watch with him. Maybe he just needed Richie. Richie who made him laugh, and who laughs at Stan’s jokes even when he doesn’t understand it. Richie, who he had a huge crush on.

----

    Weeks go by and Stan and Richie fell into their comfortable rhythm. Every Monday after school, the pair meet up at Stan’s locker, they leave, and find their favorite tree to sit under. Well, Stan’s favorite tree to sit under, Richie doesn‘t know enough about trees to have a favorite, but if Stan likes that one then there must be a reason why. Every time they see a bird Richie asks “is that a pigeon?”, to which Stan always replies with a whole slew of information about the bird, and slowly Richie begins to understand why Stan loves this so much. Richie compulsively performs for the world to feel seen, but Stan sees him, and he sees more than just “trashmouth”. Stan sees Richie as the smart, funny, loyal friend that he is. It’s easy to forget Richie’s act is just that, an act, but Stan never does. That’s why I love him , Richie thinks to himself.

    “Hello? Earth to Richie? You okay?” Eddie asked, waving his hand in front of his face.

    Richie shook his head, coming out of his daze, “Huh? Yeah Spaghetti man. Just thinking about your mom.”

    The rest of the losers let out a small chuckle, the one they let out whenever Richie makes a “classic Richie” joke.

    “Oh very funny, trashmouth. Come up with some new material.”

    “Can’t. I have a brand, Eds. Would you ask John Mulaney to stop talking about his wife?” Richie looked at Eddie with a smile that screamed ‘you know I’m right’.

    Eddie turned away from his friend, this time addressing the group as a whole, “So like I was saying, Stan, are you still looking for people to join your bird watching club?”

    “I mean it’s hardly a club. It’s just Richie and I.” Stan looked at his friend and they exchanged soft smiles.

    “S...o do you want us t-to join?” Bill asked, “If we’re all there maybe m-more people would c-come.”

    “Strength in numbers,” Bev added.

    “If you guys want. Nobody is gonna force you to, but if you think you’d have fun go ahead. Meet us at my locker after 8th period today.”

---

    So they did, and Stan led them down towards the quarry, like he did the first time he took Richie, except this time, they didn’t sit down under their usual tree. Instead, opting to walk south a few extra yards before settling down. Per usual Stan and Richie sat next to each other, personal space hardly existing, Bill and Eddie to Stan’s left and Mike, Bev, and Ben to Richie’s right.

    “So when do the birds show up?” Mike wondered.

    Stan went to reply, but before he could Richie whispered his reply, “Well, sometimes we don’t see any, but it helps to be quiet.”

    The rest of their friends looked at the pair quizzically, disbelieving that Richie would find interest in a hobby that involved such quiet, reading their reactions, Stan quietly told the losers that, no, Richie did not, in fact, scare the birds away.

    A few moments passed before Ben pointed to Stan and Richie’s usual bird watching tree, “What’s that?” he asked.

    “That’s a calliope hummingbird. Selasphorus calliope. It’s named after the Greek muse Calliope. It’s actually late in the season to be seeing one this far north.” Richie told Ben. This time even Stan was surprised at Richie’s answer.

    Stan looked up at Richie, looking pleasantly surprised by his friend’s knowledge, “I never told you about them,”

    “I know, but I fell in love, so I did some research of my own,” Richie replied, smiling sheepishly and staring directly into Stan’s eyes, trying to say three very important words without actually speaking.

    “With bird watching?” Stan asked, his heart beating out of his chest, face red. He was returning Richie’s gaze and, hey Stan hadn’t noticed his hand was on Richie’s, no need to move it though. That would make it a thing , and it’s not a thing .

    Richie gulped and his smile went from sincere to playful, as he tried to laugh off what he said, “Of course. Bird watching.”

    Ben and Bev exchanged looks, wordlessly saying “Bird watching, my ass” and “We’ll talk later” to each other, respectively before shaking the moment off, returning their eyes to the bird.

    “Hey guys, what about that one?” Eddie asked, grabbing the pair’s attention and removing the two from each other's gaze and to the new bird, Stan’s hand lingering a moment longer before slowly removing it from Richie’s own and answering Eddie’s question.

    As the sun began to set the losers all head out of the woods and made their separate ways. Ben deciding to take the long way home to talk to Bev about what they noticed earlier.

    Bev was the first of the pair to speak, “So, you know we can’t go to the next meeting, right?”

    “Of course. I’m sure bird watching is fun, but we were definitely sitting in on their thing . It would be like if everyone else sat around watching us when we show each other new music.”

    “Exactly. So how are we going to convince everyone else not to go?”

----

    The rest of the week came and went, and it was Monday again. Just as they did the week before everyone had gathered around Stan’s locker.

    “Are you guys ready to go bird watching again?” Mike asked his friends, “I had fun last week” he added.

    “You know,” Ben said, drawing out the ‘o’ sound of the word, “I wish we could, but don’t you remember we all have, uh…”

    “Band practice!” Bev interjected, “Remember?”

    “I...don't…” Eddie said, confused by the couple.

    Beverley shifted her eyes quickly to Stan and Richie who were quickly becoming suspicious of their friends.

    “Oh! Right!” Mike exclaimed, “Band practice! Don’t you remember, Bill?”

    “Uh, sure. We all have band practice.” Bill replied, nodding, still confused, but figuring his friends would explain later when they were alone.

    “Are you guys okay? I don’t remember ever making a fucking band, let alone agreeing to rehearse on a Monday . Who does that?”

    Bev laughed nervously, trying to signal to Eddie to shut up and ask questions later before dragging him by the arm away from Stan and Richie and the rest of their friends following.

    “Well that was weird” Stan pointed out.

    “I know” Richie stated, “Why weren’t we invited to be in the band?”

---

    Stan stopped at their usual tree, grabbing Richie’s arm to signal him to stop walking when he continued. “Oh, we’re sitting here again?”

    “Yeah. This is our tree.” He said, sitting down, still holding his friend’s arm as he followed suit sitting down on the ground. Stan inched closer to Richie before putting his head on Richie’s shoulder.

    “Long day, buddy?” Stan couldn’t help but feel disappointed by the word ‘buddy’, but outwardly he didn’t show it.

    “Yeah.”

     Richie took Stan’s hand and gently rubbed his knuckles, just two bros , Richie thought to himself. Just a friend comforting a friend , “What happened?”

     Stan sighed, “Nothing really, just usual school stuff.”

    “So its a personal thing? You can tell me anything, Stan. You know that. We tell each other everything.”

    Stan gulped, looking up in the treetop before noticing a brown bird and pointing up at it, “Look at that.” Stan said, almost a little too loudly, excited to have a distraction from the conversation.

    “Is that a pigeon?” Richie asked, as he always did.

    “No. Well, actually, they’re in the same family. It’s a mourning dove. Zenaida macroura. It’s actually one of the most widespread birds in North America and it’s a popular game bird.”

    For the first time since joining the club, Richie zoned out. Instead just watching Stan speak passionately and smiling at his friend as he watched Stan crane his neck to see the bird, knowing Stan’s neck would hurt later before shrugging it off and saying it was worth it. He kept thinking about how much he admired Stan’s passion for birds, and for everything he loved even if he was alone in that passion. How Stan is always trying to take an interest in the passions of his other friends, because Stan loved to see his friends happy, and how it’s a shame none of them tried to love his interest in birds sooner.

    Stan asked Richie a question, and when he didn’t respond Stan lightly tapped his friend’s face, “Pay attention to the bird, ninny. Look at them, not me.”

    Richie shifted over a little bit and Stan took his head off the taller boy’s shoulder, “Hey Stan, I have an unrelated question. Doves are a symbol of love, right?”

    “Right.”

    “And so are lovebirds.”

    “Yes.”

    “So are lovebirds pigeons too?”

    “No. They’re actually a species of parrot. Why?”

    “Well, people call couples lovebirds right, and Ben and Bev are a couple.”

    “Richie, I don’t understand where you’re going with this.”

    “Just, sh. I’m going somewhere with this I promise.”

    “Okayy…” Stan said, staring at his friend, becoming more confused as every second passed.

    “Well sometimes I look at the way they act, and how we act towards each other, and I think ‘maybe we’re kinda similar’. Basically, what I’m trying to say is-”

    Stan interrupted Richie, “I love you too, doofus.”

    Richie’s face lit up, feeling a ten-pound weight come off his chest and his smile spreading from ear to ear, “Really?”

    “Yes. Really.” Stan said, returning Richie’s wide smile, and it would have gotten wider if that were at all possible as Richie placed his hand gently on Stan’s cheek and he leaned in and placed a kiss on Stan’s lips. It was, for lack of a better term, very them. It was a little awkward for a second before they relaxed and just let everything fall into place. It felt right, like they should’ve done this years ago, back in that summer, even, when Richie was too busy chasing some asshole closet case when he had known who he really wanted was his best friend. When he could’ve had him for years by now. Richie chuckled at the thought and Stan pulled away, his joy quickly turning into anxiety that he had done something wrong, “What’s so funny, Rich?”

    “Just that we should’ve done this ages ago.”

    Stan’s smile came back, “agreed,” he said before pulling Richie into another kiss.

[holidaywishes]

First Date

  Requested: 👍

  Summary: First date in Prague during the off season when Jakub is spending time with his family.

  Author’s Note: I’m sorry if this is too short but it’s kinda cute... I had no idea Vrana was from Prague and it is my all time favourite city so I totally had to add Prague into this. Fun fact! I actually had my first kiss in Prague so it’s near and dear to my heart. Thanks for the request anon!

  masterlist

  You and your friends had been walking around Old Towne Prague for about two hours being as touristy as you could before stepping into a small café to rest.

  “Are you glad you came back?” Your friend, Shauna, asked after ordering a shot of Slivovice

  “Oh my god, I love it here!” you cooed before scrunching your nose up at her as she shot the Plum Brandy, “that was the only thing I was never a fan of”

  “It’s a national drink or whatever,” Shauna laughed and offered you a drink, “do as the locals do (Y/N)...” you shook your head and tried to protect your face as Taylor and the other girls inched the alcohol closer to your face, making you burst into a loud fit of laughter.

  “It won’t hurt you,” your best friend, Elizabeth, said, “it’ll probably actually be better for you than that stupid Pepsi you drink...” you scoffed and Tanya was the last to speak

  “Plus, it’s the cheapest choice because there’s so many versions of it...”

  “I mean...” you laughed, clearly caving in, and took the glass from your friends, “Na zdraví.” Just then, the door swung open and you heard a chorus of laughter from the group that entered but your eyes fell to the blonde with the bright smile.

  “Whoa...” you accidentally whispered aloud, earning small giggles from the girls around you. He wasn’t tearing his eyes away from you either and you wondered if he’d come over to you or if he’d eventually just leave without ever having said anything. Elizabeth snapped you back to the table, asking if you wanted anything to eat before you went to explore the city a bit more

  “Or really before we head out to Zlaty Strom tonight. You know we’re going crazy tonight right?” she teased and you rolled your eyes before answering

  “I’m fine, I’ll be okay. Maybe I’ll take a nap to handle everyone’s crazy...”

  “Zlaty Strom huh?” the blonde that you’d locked eyes with earlier said as he squeezed in beside you and Tanya, “not Karlovy Lazne?”

  “Can’t say we didn’t consider it,” Shauna started, “but our host told us to stay far away from it...”

  “Good idea, it’s a bit of a.. mess in there,” he laughed before turning to you, “I’m Jakub by the way” he held out his hand to you and your heart fluttered before eventually giving him yours gently

  “(Y/N), nice to meet you”

  “Why don’t we take you ladies out for the local Prague experience?” Jakub said, rather closely, to you bringing a flash of heat to your cheeks. You usually waited for your friends to answer in case you were being tricked but your body took over your mouth; you leaned into Jakub slightly and agreed. He introduced his Mom and Dad to you and your friends before heading out to do some sightseeing. It wasn’t long though before you and Jakub fell back to talk and flirt and get to know each other more.

  “So.. what brings you to Prague?” he asked

  “It’s our last summer before we finish our degree and I came here two years ago and fell in love with it. So I convinced the girls to make the trip”

  “What were you here for two years ago?”

  “Study abroad semester” you said plainly

  “Nice, so you speak Czech?”

  “Oh, gosh no! Sorry,” you laughed, “I was studying in London and I was able to pop out here for a weekend”

  “Ahh I see,” he replied and you felt, for a second, that may have somehow ruined the rhythm you had with him but he nudged you, making a smile creep on your lips, “have lunch with me.” It sounded like a demand but it was soft enough that you knew it was a request

  “It’s a little late for lunch” you teased

  “Tomorrow. You’ll need to replenish after tonight”

  “I’ll be very hungover I’m sure” you joked, raising your eyebrows at him

  “What better way to have lunch with a stranger?” You agreed not too much later after that because you wanted to spend as much time with him as you could; listen to his stories, hear his laugh, see his smile, feel his touch... Your mind started to wander and your body started to drift closer and closer to his until your friends stole you away to run back to the Air B’n’B to get ready for the club.

  Your head was pounding and you couldn’t remember when you stopped drinking or how you got back to the apartment. All you knew was that you needed to take a shower because you had a date in two hours. You ran around the apartment frantically but your friends never woke up, even when you were leaving. So, you left a note on each of their faces via post-it and headed out to the restaurant Jakub told you to meet him at.

  As you hopped on the train, your stomach began to flutter and you wondered what would happen. As soon as you got there, you took a deep breath and looked around to see if you could find him; there he was, fixing his collar before he saw you, a giant smile replacing his nervous expression.

  “Hi” you greeted, giving him a small, uncertain hug

  “How’s the hangover?” he asked, still smiling

  “It’s.. okay” you tried, sitting down and immediately ordering chamomile tea. The conversation started flowing once the food came and you watched as his eyes lit up when he talked about playing for the Capitals, following his lips as he laughed about funny childhood stories, and completely entranced by the way he actually seemed to listen to you when you spoke. It wasn’t until your phone rang that you even realized how long the two of you had been sitting at the table

  “Oh my god! It’s almost 10 o’clock. We’ve been here for like 6 hours...”

  “I’m surprised they didn’t kick us out,” he said and you nodded, gesturing for the two of you to leave, “can I drive you home?” you contemplated just saying no, to end the date with a kiss and no possibility of anything more happening; after all, you had no idea when you were going to see him again. But when you looked into his eyes, you couldn’t help feeling like a couple more minutes with him could mean the world to you so you agreed. When you got to the building where you were staying, you sat in his car for a second before awkwardly telling him that you should probably go

  “This is where I’m staying so...” he laughed, getting out of the car before walking over to your door and leading you out. The ride up the elevator was the quietest either of you had been all night. As if both of you were expecting something that you weren’t sure how to address. And then, there you were. Standing outside the door to your Air B’n’B. Almost positive that if your friends were awake and still there, they’d be listening to every word.

  “I had fun today” he blurted out quickly just as you were getting ready to say something

  “Me too,” you said in return, laughing softly, “I really liked getting to know you, Jakub”

  “I liked getting to know you, (Y/N)...” you noticed him take a small step toward you and a shiver ran up your spine, forcing you to fall into him unintentionally. His hands started running up your arms and his lips brushed your cheeks as you turned to look at him. There was only a moment of contemplation before your lips connected with Jakub’s and your body felt like it might just topple over on itself, or into him, but he didn’t seem to mind. It was a deep kiss but it was contained -- very different from the kisses you’d had in the past. He directed your movements as meticulously as he directed his hands across your skin, making your mind go completely blank. When his lips drifted to his neck, you were surprised by the words that left your mouth

  “Wanna come inside?” it wasn’t like you, to say the least, to invite a boy in after the first date but you couldn’t help yourself. When he nodded slowly, as if to check you were sure, you turned to unlock the door and you felt him move the hair off your neck to lay soft kisses behind your ear and you knew that, even if your friends were there, you wouldn’t stop to say hello.

  After all, you had no idea when you were going to see him again...