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damienns · 3 months ago

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My GIF Making process: Screen capturing using MPV player, Organizing files, 3 Sharpening settings, Basic Coloring PSD + Actions set

This is a very long post so heads up.

I’ll try to be as thorough and true as much as possible to the way I make my gifs (I already use Photoshop Actions which I’ve long since set up but now for this tutorial I’m reviewing them to show you the exact steps I’ve learned to create my gifs 😃) and present them to you in a semi-coherent way. Also, please bear with me since English is my second language.

First things first. Below are the things and tools we need to do this:

Downloaded 4K or 1080p quality videos (let’s all assume we know where to get these—especially for high definition movies and tv series—so this post doesn’t get removed, okay? 😛)

Adobe Photoshop CC or the CS versions can work as well, but full disclosure I haven’t created gifs using the CS versions since 2020. I’m currently using Adobe Photoshop 2024.

mpv player. Use mpv player to get those frames/screenshots or any other video player that has a screen grabber feature. I’ve used adapter for the longest time but I’ve switched to mpv because the press to screenshot feature while the video is playing has been a game changer not to mention ultimate time saver for me. For adapter you need to play it in another video player (like VLC player), to get the start and end timestamps of the scene you want to gif which takes me ages before I can even open Photoshop.

Anyway! Please stop reading this post for a moment and head over to this amazing tutorial by kylos. She perfectly tells you how to install and use mpv player, both for Mac and Windows users.

One thing I have to share though, I had a tough time when I updated my MacOS to Sonoma since MPV is suddenly either duplicating frames or when I delete the duplicates the player seems to be skipping frames :/ I searched and found a solution here, though it didn’t work for me lol. My workaround for this in the meantime is decreasing the speed down to 0.70 then start screenshotting—it’s not the same pre Sonoma update but it works so I’ll have to accept it rather than have jumpy looking gifs.

Now, after this part of kylos’ tutorial:

you can continue reading the following sections of my gif tutorial below.

I want to share this little tip (sorry, this will only cater to Mac users) that I hope will be helpful for organizing the screenshots that MPV saved to the folder you have selected. Because believe me you don’t want to go through 1k+ of screenshots to select just 42-50 frames for your gif.

The Control + Command + N shortcut

This shortcut allows you to create a new folder from files you have pre-selected. As you can see below I have already created a couple of folders, and inside each folder I have selected screenshots that I want to include in one single gif. It's up to you how you want to divide yours, assuming you intend to create and post a Tumblr gifset rather than just one gif.

Another tip is making use of tags. Most of, if not all the time, I make supercorp gifs so I tag blue for Kara and red (or green) for Lena—just being ridiculously on brand and all that.

Before we finally open Photoshop, there's one more thing I want to say—I know, please bear with me for the third? fourth? time 😅

It's helpful to organize everything into their respective folders so you know the total number of items/frames you have. This way, you can add or delete excess or unnecessary shots before uploading them in Photoshop.

For example below there are 80 screenshots of Kara inside this folder and for a 1:1 (540 x 540 px) Tumblr gif, Photoshop can just work around with 42-50 max number of frames with color adjustments applied before it exceeds the 10 MB file size limit of Tumblr.

Sometimes I skip this step because it can be exhausting (haha) and include everything so I can decide visually which frames to keep later on. You'll understand what I mean later on. But it's important to keep the Tumblr 10 MB file size limit in mind. Fewer frames, or just the right amount of frames, is better.

So, with the screenshot organization out of the way, let's finally head over to Photoshop.

Giffing in Photoshop, yay!

Let’s begin by navigating to File > Scripts > Load Files into Stack…

The Load Layers window will appear. Click the Browse button next.

Find your chosen screenshots folder, press Command + A to select all files from that folder then click Open. Then click OK.

After importing and stacking your files, Photoshop should display the following view:

By the way, I'll be providing the clip I've used in this tutorial so if want to use them to follow along be my guest :)

If you haven't already opened your Timeline panel, navigate to Windows > Timeline.

Now, let's focus on the Timeline panel for the next couple of steps.

Click Create Video Timeline, then you’ll have this:

Now click the menu icon on the top right corner then go to Convert Frames > Make Frames from Clips

Still working on the Timeline panel, click the bottom left icon this time—the icon with the three tiny boxes—to Convert to Frame Animation

Select Make Frames From Layers from the top right corner menu button.

So now you have this:

Go and click the top right menu icon again to Select All Frames

Then click the small dropdown icon to set another value for Frame Delay. Select Other…

The best for me and for most is 0.05 but you can always play around and see what you think works for you.

Click the top right menu icon again to Reverse Frames.

I think Photoshop has long since fixed this issue but usually the first animation frame is empty so I just delete it but now going through all these steps there seems to be none of that but anyways, the delete icon is the last one among the line of feature buttons at the bottom part of the Timeline panel.

Yay, now we can have our first proper GIF preview of a thirsty Lena 😜

Press spacebar to watch your gif play for the very first time! After an hour and half of selecting and cutting off screenshots! 😛 Play it some more. No really, I’m serious. I do this so even as early (lol) as this part in the gif making process, I can see which frames I can/should delete to be within the 10 MB file size limit. You can also do it at the end of course 🙂

Now, let’s go to the next important steps of this tutorial post which I’ve numbered below.

Crop and resize to meet Tumblr's required dimensions. The width value should be either 540px, 268px, or 177px.

Convert the gif to a Smart Object for sharpening.

Apply lighting and basic color adjustments before the heavy coloring. I will be sharing the base adjustments layers I use for my gifs 😃.

1. Crop and Resize

Click on the Crop tool (shortcut: the C key)

I like my GIFs big so I always set this to 1:1 ratio if the scene allows it. Press the Enter key after selecting the area of the frame that you want to keep.

Side note: If you find that after cropping, you want to adjust the image to the left or another direction, simply unselect the Delete Cropped Pixels option. This way, you will still have the whole frame area available to crop again as needed and as you prefer.

Now we need to resize our gif and the shortcut for that is Command + Opt + I. Type in 540 as the width measurement, then the height will automatically change to follow the ratio you’ve set while cropping.

540 x 540 px for 1:1

540 x 405 px for 4:3

540 x 304 px for 16:9

For the Resample value I prefer Bilinear—but you can always select the other options to see what you like best.

Click OK. Then Command + 0 and Command + - to properly view the those 540 pixels.

Now we get to the exciting part :) the sharpen settings!

2. Sharpen

First we need to have all these layers “compressed” intro a single smart object from which we can apply filters to.

Select this little button on the the bottom left corner of the Timeline panel.

Select > All Layers

Then go to Filter > Convert for Smart Filters

Just click OK when a pop-up shows up.

Now you should have this view on the Layers panel:

Now I have 3 sharpen settings to share but I’ll have download links to the Action packs at the end of this long ass tutorial so if you want to skip ahead, feel free to do so.

Sharpen v1

Go to Filter > Sharpen > Smart Sharpen…

Below are my settings. I don’t adjust anything under Shadows/Highlights.

Amount: 500

Radius: 0.4

Click OK then do another Smart Sharpen but this time with the below adjustments.

Amount: 12

Radius: 10.0

As you can see Lena’s beautiful eyes are “popping out” now with these filters applied. Click OK.

Now we need to Convert to Frame Animation. Follow the steps below.

Click on the menu icon at the top right corner of the Timeline panel, then click Convert Frames > Flatten Frames into Clips

Then Convert Frames > Convert to Frame Animation

One more click to Make Frames From Layers

Delete the first frame then Select All then Set Frame Delay to 0.05

and there you have it! Play your GIF and make sure it’s just around 42-50 frames. This is the time to select and delete.

To preview and save your GIF go to File > Export > Save for Web (Legacy)…

Below are my Export settings. Make sure to have the file size around 9.2 MB to 9.4 MB max and not exactly 10 MB.

This time I got away with 55 frames but this is because I haven’t applied lighting and color adjustments yet and not to mention the smart sharpen settings aren't to heavy so let’s take that into consideration.

Sharpen v1 preview:

Sharpen v2

Go back to this part of the tutorial and apply the v2 settings.

Smart Sharpen 1:

Amount: 500

Radius: 0.3

Smart Sharpen 2:

Amount: 20

Radius: 0.5

We’re adding a new type of Filter which is Reduce Noise (Filter > Noise > Reduce Noise...) with the below settings.

Then one last Smart Sharpen:

Amount: 500

Radius: 0.3

Your Layers panel should look like this:

Then do the Convert to Frames Animation section again and see below preview.

Sharpen v2 preview:

Sharpen v3:

Smart Sharpen 1:

Amount: 500

Radius: 0.4

Smart Sharpen 2:

Amount: 12

Radius: 10.0

Reduce Noise:

Strength: 5

Preserve Details: 50%

Reduce Color Noise: 0%

Sharpen Details: 50%

Sharpen v3 preview:

And here they are next to each other with coloring applied:

Congratulations, you've made it to the end of the post 😂

As promised, here is the download link to all the files I used in this tutorial which include:

supercorp 2.05 Crossfire clip

3 PSD files with sharpen settings and basic coloring PSD

Actions set

As always, if you're feeling generous here's my Ko-fi link :) Thank you guys and I hope this tutorial will help you and make you love gif making.

P.S. In the next post I'll be sharing more references I found helpful especially with coloring. I just have to search and gather them all.

-Jill

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kanmom51 · 6 months ago

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A little math in the morning

You know how it is when you're at work and you don't really feel like being at work cause all you are thinking of is Jikook (obsessed much? Oh, most definitely!!)?

This is one of those mornings.

And I figured, if I'm going down this rabbit hole, well, why not ask you to join?

And who doesn't love to do some math in the morning, right?

So yeah, math.

But wait a sec.

This math is the good kind.

The kind that tells us just how much Jikook we'll be getting.

The kind that makes us realize that we are going to be getting more Jikook than we have ever had before. More interactions. Longer moments. Like a full on show.

But just how much of it? Well, this is where the math comes in.

Now that the intro and explanations are done, let's get going:

We talked about the meaning of the 8's in my previous post, so I will forgo that in this one.

What I will be doing here is a little counting. You know. To put things into perspective. Because I feel like sometimes we lose that.

8 episodes of Jikook bliss is what we will be getting.

A show that will most likely be 20 to 25 minutes long. This is a starting assumption. I will be grateful for this, and every single minute added to that will be a blessing.

But if we take 20-25 minute episodes, that will give us:

20*8=160

25*8=200

Between 160 to 200 minutes.

And even if we cut out 10% of that as whatever (intro, outro, anything that doesn't have them in it), we will get:

144 to 180 minutes of Jikook.

Do you get that?

Do you register that?

A minimum of: 144 minutes.

That is over 2 hours of Jikook!!!!!

I don't think we can even imagine what that means.

We, who have been living on little few seconds to couple of minute increments of those two. The longest interaction we got was the live they did back in 2020 and that was them being totally vigilant and aware of the live camera (and yet...).

As much as the editing will probably be brutal, cause put those two together and more so add some alcohol into the bidding (we know there was alcohol) and you will get wild wild Jikookery that may end with bed nets being torn to pieces. But as brutal as it may be and as much as they might want to water it down (which I'm kind of wondering if they even are wanting to do this at this point - long train of thoughts going on here in that matter), you just can't do that with over 2 hours of exclusively Jikook content.

You just can't.

Boy, we are going to be rolling in it. This is going to sustain us for years to come. RB left behind. Hickey forgotten. TTU - what's that even? 'Are you sure' is going to be IT. That reference point. Can you even process it? I'm still trying to.

You don't need to have them making out on camera to recognize a certain type of dynamic. Just saying.

8 EPISODES

144 minutes

MINIMUM!!!!!

Over 2 hours!!!

AT MINIMUM!!!!

Of Jikook just having pure fun.

With each other.

TOGETHER

ALONE

JUST THE 2 OF THEM

Swallow that HATERS!!!!

Or just choke on it. Who cares? I don't.

Happy dance incoming.

#Jikook #Kookmin #minkook #Jungkook #JK #Jimin #JM #Jikook Are you sure

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cherrari · 15 days ago

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oh I’ve been wanting to ask about charles’ throttle peculiarities or however you’d refer to it,,

I’ve seen it being referred to before in different contexts, sometimes it’s “ohhhh it’s so interesting!! He does so differently to everyone else and here’s how it makes him better in these ways” and other times it’s “ohhhh this is this weird thing he does which is why he sucks at this specific thing and why he can’t do this one thing as well as this one other guy”

both probably have some grain on truth to it and I think it’s why he had to lico more than carlos sainz to some extent? but if you don’t mind could you elaborate on what it is he’s doing as far as you can? I’ve always wanted to at least try and understand better.

i want to note that carrying more throttle was also a trademark of seb's, not only in his ferrari days but also in red bull. there is a popular theory about this re: seb manipulating the exhaust fumes in the red bull and this being a habit that he carried to ferrari, but i digress (and also i don't know the true answer). p.s. michael also did it

there's probably some element of ferrari's throttle maps being suited for this type of driving, as if you compare carlos' mclaren and ferrari throttle traces he often carries 1-5% in the ferrari vs. 0% in the mclaren. but i think charles was heavily influenced by seb in his first few years and that's where he picked up this extreme preference. he played around with it in <2018, but it was in mid-2019 when he really started doing it to this level

he has had periods where he stopped doing it, particularly when he was uncomfortable with the car (early-mid 2023 is a good example):

zandvoort 2023 (red) vs. 2024 (white)

hungary 2023 (red) vs. 2024 (white)

the rest under the cut because it got long (i get this question semi-often so i figured i'd just answer it comprehensively once and for all lol) (edited post-post because i realised i word vomited some stuff that doesn't make sense)

the simplest theory about what is happening here is that when you maintain throttle around a corner, it shifts the balance rearward. in charles' Ideal Car (i.e. one that wants more load shifted toward the rear to maintain balance), this allows him to get back on the throttle quicker than others, shorten the amount of time he spends rotating the car, and will result in a net gain.

the biggest potential negative effect of staying on the throttle is that you can carry too much speed into the corner and end up losing the car when trying to rotate it. example: charles france 2022 😃

it requires more confidence and trust in the car because it's introducing an additional factor to a turn. like you could theoretically just take it at 0% and gain a predictable amount of lap time, or you could take it at 10% and feel really good with yourself, get on the throttle earlier, and gain that extra tenth

if you aren't confident in yourself and you're spending all that potentially gained lap time on exit just trying to find the right balance in the car, it's a net loss, even if it doesn't end as catastrophically as france. this is what happened to seb in 2020, and a few times to charles at the end of this season

a good comparison for all of this is lando, who has a much smoother and less aggressive way of taking corners.

using hungary as an example, lando uses much less throttle, but gains a significant amount of time because mid-corner charles is hit with the front sliding too much and then he can't reach 100% throttle as quickly as lando does.

throttle trace... pretty easy to spot the difference here

charles carrying more speed on entry

from another lap, charles has to constantly brake because he couldn't get the proper exit

of course, it's not always a loss. i'm not going to go and count how many times charles gains time at a corner because of this technique, but i'd say most of the time he does gain. unfortunately lando couldn't complete qualifying in baku so there's no comparison there, but oscar is weirdly good at street circuits so we can use him as a decent replacement comparison

in sector 2 they go back and forth in the delta because oscar's more predictable way of taking the corners allows him to have better entries (in general, corner entry is one of oscar's biggest strengths); however, charles continually regains time on corner exit because he hits the next throttle threshold much quicker. in the latter part of s2, he's at 60% when oscar is at 0%, and he gains back all the time oscar tried to chip away at. at t15, charles is at 80% when oscar is at 40%

here is the comparison between oscar and carlos, just so you can see how everyone else takes these corners very similarly

regarding your point about lico, i'm not sure which race you're talking about exactly but constantly shifting the load rearward means he is also going to overheat and wear those tires down more easily. example: baku second stint where he was caught in oscar's dirty air and his rear tires were completely gone in comparison to where they should've been. this issue is especially prevalent in rear-limited tracks like mexico and abu dhabi

example from the aforementioned baku second stint:

that being said, charles has generally excellent tire management and awareness of how to prevent the tires from slipping out of the window (see: monaco, monza) so i don't think the tires are much of an issue unless it's a strenuous circumstance like sitting in oscar's gearbox for 30 laps

for the lico this season specifically, as discussed above, charles is someone who relies a lot on braking to correct the car, and therefore he's putting more force onto the brakes which then causes them to overheat and so on. the biggest problem with this isn't even the braking itself, it's that most of the time he was told to ease off a little he didn't do it, so it made the issue worse. then by the time he starts lifting for real, it's too late and he has to lift even more as a result 😭

#9.75 fm #wheel

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yuurei20 · 7 months ago

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I have been stalking your tumblr for a while now bc I'm fairly new to the fandom and you've been really helpful lol (thank you!!!)

I don't know if you've answered this before but I have been wondering who was the youngest of the first years? I thought it was jack and ace, but apparently they're the oldest but aren't all of them 16 and then jack and ace's birthdays come later in year? This might be really stupid but idk lol

Hello hello! Thank you very much!! ^^ ♡ You are so kind!

And yes yes, we have received hints sometimes about which characters are older than the rest, with Vil being younger than Cater and Jade being older than Riddle.

We know that the beginning of the school year is in September, and Jamil's birthday is the first one in September, so Jamil is assumed to be the oldest of the 2nd-year students (confirmed in a tweet by Yana!).

Adding to this is the fact that Jamil's birthday was the first to be released in the original game! :> Every new birthday series starts with Jamil and ends with Riddle, as they would be the oldest- and youngest-2nd-year students, if we are following a September-to-August school year.

(Cater is the first birthday on EN! I am not sure why this was changed. The original game was launched in March of 2020, so there were no birthday banners for the first six months after the game's release until we reached Jamil's birthday of September 12th. EN was able to get birthday banners immediately, shifting the balance of when new series start and who seems to be older than who.)

If we wanted to list the human characters (and Sebek) oldest-to-youngest according to this system (minus the special case that is Leona), it might look like this!

Ace is the oldest first-year, while Deuce is the youngest.

(Ortho's actual age is difficult to place, as he was "born" pre-programmed with a memory that is older than his physical self.)

Jamil is the oldest second-year, while Riddle is the youngest.

As Riddle was born on August 24th, he is technically only a month older than Ace (who was born September 23rd).

Trey is the oldest non-fae, non-Leona third-year, while Vil is the youngest.

At 700 years old Lilia is the oldest third-year.

January 1st also does not seem to be his actual birthday: he does not remember the date of his birth and possibly never knew it in the first place, having been adopted by Malleus' grandmother.

Malleus is the second-oldest character on the main student cast at 178 years old, while Leona is 20 (due to starting NRC a year late (under duress) and then being held back an additional year for poor attendance (which was possibly on purpose, as he does not seem to want to go home. Ref: Leona's Age and NRC).)

We know that time is passing in-game as we will receive occasional cues like the school year starting in September, the interdorm Spelldrive tournament being in October, the new semester starting in January, and the VDC being held in February.

There has never been any main-story acknowledgement of the characters getting older, but we can track their ages for ourselves based on the timeline of the main story!

If the ages in character profiles represent how old they were at the beginning of the school year, then we can surmise the following (none of which has been officially acknowledged anywhere as of this post, it is all conjecture):

Book 1: Jamil turns 18, Ace turns 17 Book 2: Jack turns 17, Trey turns 19. Books 3 and 4: Jade/Floyd turn 18, Rook/Idia turn 19 Books 5 and 6: Cater turns 19, Azul turns 18

After Book 6 things get a little vague!

Lilia says that Book 7 is "half a year" since school began, and it is presumably before May's Spelldrive tournament, so possibly March? Whether or not Sebek, Vil and Ruggie have had their birthdays yet might be unconfirmed!

To answer the initial question: it is not officially stated outright in the game that "Deuce is the youngest first-year," but there are fans who believe that this is what is being implied by the school year starting in September!

This is where "Ace and Jack are the oldest first years even though their birthdays are later in the year" comes from ^^ The school year does not start until autumn, meaning that Sebek, Epel and Deuce all have birthdays in the second semester, whereas Ace and Jack's birthdays are first semester, thus making them older than the other three ^^

#twstask #twisted wonderland

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charmedreincarnation · 2 years ago

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Hey angels! I’m still on break but I wanted to show you guys how powerful the law is, and how it’s in effect with everything even when we don’t notice!

Here’s everything I’ve manifested in this year alone !

🌸70,000$ in school scholarships. My tuition does not even cost that much so most of it will be coming back to my credit card shortly

🌸an older sister. I’m the oldest child in my household, and as any older sibling knows it’s so hard. You have to lead, yet have no one to look up to for advice yourself. Anyways my dad got in touch with his old wife, and my mom who was once reluctant to let my half siblings in my life, now encouraged it! My older half sister is literally just like me. We now FaceTime, she defends me when I’m scared, she buys me stuff all the time because she has hella money, and I go to her apartment for sleep overs. I am very lucky and happy to finally have the older sister I’ve always wanted.

🌸an old friendship! I remember in 2020 I was friends with this girl and we were both super depressed, had similar circumstances, and were into manifesting+astrology. I’m sure she’s one my twin flame, and the friendship ended over the dumbest thing ever. Anyways for a year I used dumb methods like the 333 method, sp methods to get her to text me, stuff like that. I ended up giving up but earlier this year I was thinking about her, yanno just wondering where she is. She sent me a heart felt apology the next day. I manifested her without even trying!

🌸All As in school without trying.

🌸losing weight the more I eat. Y’all I’m 5’5 and 112 pounds, yet I eat like an Olympic gold medalists. I don’t even eat healthy and knowing myself.. well that’s something that’s not going to change lol. Anytime I would eat a lot, I would just say the more I eat, the more I lose and the healthier I am…and I never gained a single pound. Only lost! Don’t worry I’m still healthy and my doctors say I’m in a healthy range still, so as long as that continues healthily I’m fine.

🌸my family winning the lottery through the void state. I won’t say specific numbers but it’s in the 7 figure range, and was my first void success! I’m going to keep manifesting and exploring the void to have more stuff in the future!

🌸(dumb) but clearing my name in the unique situation. i remember just affirming the truth always comes out and she got exposed a few hours later. aside from the hate from her anons, I left the situation unscathed for the most part 😮‍💨

🌸not having seasonal depression this year. I did not manifest my depression or anxiety away for personal reasons, before anyone starts! But due to the combination of manifesting and just having a better overall life, it honestly did not affect me much this year.

🌸getting results from subliminals without even listening to them. I left my subliminal era a couple of years ago, and I don’t really use them anymore. But sometimes I come across a really cool one with dope benefits, and I want to use it bc.. why not lol. But I don’t really like listening to them, so I just wrote down that I can listen to it once and after that my brain memorizes the sequence and it works it out repeatedly even when it’s not playing and I’ve definitely noticed results.

🌸manifesting my best friend’s cancer away! I already made a post about this, but this was my favorite manifestation of this year.

🌸every single one of my shifts

🌸so many free things!

🌸and so much more, but these are my favorites!

#law of assumption #manifesation #void state #manifesting #void success #reality shifting

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meazalykov · 5 months ago

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invisible string theory

lena oberdorf x uswnt!bayern!reader

part one - part two - part three

summary: you're with her now, but you've known of her for longer than that.

warnings: long chapter, suggestive content

back in the united states, you were heartbroken.

due to the contract that gotham had with lyon, there wasn’t a possibility that lyon could permanently sign you. the french club tried to sign you for another loan year with a mandatory buy option, but gotham didn’t want that.

so now you’re here, dressed in a gotham kit watching the team play the chicago red stars from the bench.

its the 70th minute and you had your arms crossed sitting on the bench. your national teammate, mallory, and your other friend midge sat beside you after coming off minutes before.

“my ankle is killing me, i might have to go to medic after this game ends.” mallory hissed as she held onto her ankle. sometime after halftime, a chicago red stars player kicked the back of mallory’s ankle on accident.

“you should, its bruised!” you say as you observe her ankle from your seat, your hands still crossed together as midge decides to hold your right arm in comfort.

midge turns her head and noticed the coach, yes the coach that's not happy with you, coming your way.

“y/n.” midge tapped your shoulder. you looked to your right to see the coach looking at you with an unreadable expression on his face.

“y/n, you should warm up, you’re going on in the 80th minute.” the coach says before going back to observe the game.

your eyebrows knitted together before you quickly took off your windbreaker jacket. being a benchwarmer the last two games since coming back from france was something you were starting to get used to until another club put in their offers.

the coach has received a bunch of hate in the media because of you. which kind of soccer coach wouldn’t start one of the best players in the world? well, a coach with an agenda– that's for sure.

being subbed into the game five minutes later, you already had the ball at your feet. as you run across the pitch and dribble pass a few chicago players, you pass up to carli lloyd.

the striker takes the shot but it deflects off of the post. luckily, the ball landed back on your blue cleat and you tapped the ball into the goal. opening up the score 1-0 for gotham before the 90th minute.

knowing your situation at gotham, you didn’t celebrate as happily as you did back when you scored at lyon. all you did was put your hands up high as your teammates gathered around to hug you.

“i’m pretty sure that this is a good moment after being back from winning the champions league in europe.” a commentator says as you go back into the starting position as an attacking midfielder.

“that’s my girl!” you heard midge yell from the benches. you look over to see her and mallory with the brightest smiles as you nod your head at them.

you loved your teammates, but you wanted to be at another club more than anything.

after the game that afternoon, your agent called you.

she said that many clubs in europe wanted to sign you– permanently.

that's all you wanted, you didn’t want to take a loan deal and attach yourself to another club just to come back here again. you wanted a new permanent home. it's 2020 and the transfer window in europe will close soon.

she said that psg was the first to put in an offer for you, but you immediately declined. somehow, you felt loyal to lyon and didn’t want to join paris.

the next clubs she mentioned were real madrid, manchester united, ajax, and aston villa. you declined on those as well, not really seeing yourself in those clubs.

even though bayern munich wasn’t the last club on the list, you were interested in that offer once your agent mentioned it.

your agent mentioned that the coach personally wanted you at the club, and the club offered a good amount of benefits.

so, after a few days of deciding, you were in germany signing a contract with the bavarian club until 2025.

over the months, you adjusted to the club perfectly. you got along with the girls, made a promise that you’ll learn to speak german, and your new best friend sydney was there to guide you.

in november 2020, you were in the starting lineup to play against wolfsburg.

this is your first time going up against the green team since you were with the french club, so you were ready to face them again.

as you were standing in the tunnel, you talked with lineth beerensteyn about what to expect. this is your first start with the club, since the coach wanted you to get familiar with the games first. this was fair and something you went through with lyon as well.

“its nice to face them again.” you respond to lineth after she asked you how you felt about wolfsburg. she smirks at you before pinching your shoulder.

“oh yeah– i forgot we have a champions league winner on our hands.” she laughed. you rolled your eyes playfully as you shook your head.

“don’t forget about the world cup.” sydney lohmann joins in. your jaw dropped as you shook your head again.

“okay let's not talk about me, lets talk about the upcoming match” you say.

“you’re right you’re right,” lineth laughs at her teasing towards you, “games against wolfsburg get pretty intense when you’re with bayern. they’re the “rivals” or whatever you want to say.” she continued.

“just make sure that you take advantage of any opportunity you see. some of the midfielders will go for your ankles so i’d watch out for that too. things can get heated” the dutch finished.

you nodded your head as you observed the wolfsburg players around the tunnel. some, like svenja and dominique, patted your back since you’re happy to see you again but in the bundesliga.

before you walked ahead to talk to sydney, you felt a hand on your left shoulder.

“so– what brings you here?” you look over your shoulder to see lena.

honestly, you forgot about her after the champions league final. you have her jersey in your apartment along with other players' jerseys you’ve traded with in the past, but things were stressful for you when you went back home.

“beating you again.” you teased. lena placed her hand over her heart before giggling,

“not that! i mean it's nice to see you in this league.” she says.

“oh danke– sorry– the adjustment here was easy thankfully.” you smile.

lena wraps her arm around your shoulder, causing you to feel warm on the inside, does she know what she is doing to you?

“that’s good– it would’ve been nice to see you in our jersey though.” lena whispers. you look over at her, your voice caught into your throat.

“um- no thanks. i would miss getting my ankles broken by you if we were on the same team.” you tease. she unwraps her arm from your body, and pats you on the shoulders with a smirk, before going back to where the wolfsburg substitutes are without saying anything else.

“y/n.. how do you know lena?” sydney walks up to you with her eyebrows knitted together. she looked curious, smiling, as you crossed your arms together.

“we met during some adidas event at the world cup. well- i met giulia actually but lena just happened to be there and-”

“and you guys are dating? why didn’t you tell-”

“woah syd slow down! we aren’t dating?” you cut her off.

sydney smirks at you before laughing, realizing what the conversation turned into.

“i’m sorry. you guys looked very flirty and familiar with each other.” sydney said as she rested her arm on your shoulder. you shrugged the other shoulder.

“I mean the last time I talked to her was at the champions league final last season. she's cute but i don’t know if she even sees me that way?” you whisper in sydneys ear.

you’re comfortable talking about this with sydney. she’s become your best friend since arriving in germany, but it feels like you’ve known her for longer than that.

“the way that she looked at you, i would say she does.” sydney comments.

you were going to question that but everyone started to lineup in the tunnel to head out. so, all you could do is wonder with your thoughts as you walked out to start the game.

a year later, you were waiting at the airport in wolfsburg after a last minute decision.

after that game in november 2020, lena and you started following each other on instagram. the both of you got each other's phone numbers and have been in touch everyday since.

due to not being on the same club team, or national team, you didn’t see lena much– if not at all.

randomly, as you were in your kitchen hours before– lena texted you.

obi

we should go to this new restaurant that opened up downtown wolfsburg

y/n

how? i’m in munich..

obi

check your email.

when you checked your email, you saw that she sent you a confirmation and a plane ticket for wolfsburg. you jaw dropped in the middle of your kitchen as you were finishing making a few pastries for the bayern girls.

y/n

did you really buy me a plane ticket to see you?

y/n

you’re insane

y/n

the flight is in three hours? you’re eager

y/n

where am i supposed to stay at?

obi

yes i did

obi

just for you

obi

you can stay with me. i have a spare room

you stood outside of the wolfsburg airport with a carry on bag waiting for lena’s car. luckily, there is no training or games scheduled since its thanksgiving break– so you had a day or two to spend with lena.

after talking for a year, you guys weren't official. its clear that you are in the “talking stage” with the wolfsburg midfielder, but you hoped that she will be your girlfriend soon– even with the distance.

as you looked down at your phone, watching a tiktok video that popped up on your fyp, you heard a loud car beep their horn.

ignoring that your heart nearly jumped out of your chest in fear, you looked up to see lena getting out of the drivers side of her car.

“obi!” you say as you grab your carry on bag. the german smiles brightly as she held her arms out for you.

when you hugged her taller body, the nerves in your stomach eased away. the warmth of her body and her coconut scent seemed to give you peace in those short seconds.

“hi liebe! how was your flight?” she whispered in your ear, not breaking the hug just yet.

her proximity to your ear made you feel something that you’ve never felt before. something you couldn’t say out loud.

“my flight was smooth, i had a row to myself.” you smile as you looked at lena’s blushed face.

you weren’t surprised about the small amount of people on the flight, it was an 6pm flight and plane rides from munich to wolfsburg weren’t long at all.

“that’s perfect. here, give me that.” lena held her hands out.

you were confused before you noticed that she was pointing at your bag. you gave her your carry on, which she gently put in the trunk of her car as you got into the passenger seat.

when you guys arrived to her apartment, you were quick to pull your adidas slides off and sit on her couch. lena smiled, happy that you made yourself comfortable in her space.

“it’s late, so i’m not sure if you want to do much.” lena says.

pulling your phone out of your pocket, seeing that it just hit 21:00, you agree.

“we could watch a movie.” you suggested.

“we can, but can it not be those horror movies you love seeing?” lena asked.

as much as you guys had in common, movies weren’t one of them.

lena loved disney animated movies and comedies, you loved horror films along with star wars.

“you know what we should watch!? we should watch the phantom menace! it's not horror!” you smirked.

lena rolled her eyes playfully, remembering a phone conversation you guys had in the past.

“I remember when you said that you wanted me to get you started on the star wars trilogies. it's a win-win for the both of us,” you stood up from the couch and held lena’s hands with your own. the close proximity made lena’s face turn a shade of pink.

“i get to watch star wars, and you get to watch a disney movie– since star wars is owned by disney.” you came closer, just inches from her nose hitting yours.

she's taller than you, so she looked down at you slightly with a questioning look.

“sure.” she says, distracted.

your boldness seemed to go away the same second that you stopped talking. your breathing slowed as you realized what you’ve done.

lena’s eyes looked down to your lips as you did the same with her.

the both of you are alone in her apartment, you realize that no-one would be there to distract you if she kisses you.

you didn’t mind.

the german moves her arms around your lower waist as you lean in to kiss her. as you made contact with her lips, your hands moved to the back of her neck.

the kissing got heated quickly. lena was clearly the dominant one in the situation as she lifted you up and your legs were around her waist, walking you to her bedroom.

and you know how things went afterwards!

before you left to go back to munich two days later, lena asked you to be her girlfriend.

you said yes, happy but sad to leave her so soon.

after another few months, it's july 2022.

unfortunately for you, you were out on a three month injury. your hamstring teared while you were on international break with the uswnt– so you were free to return to germany.

however, you didn’t go to germany. you wanted to support lena and the rest of your bayern girls at the euros in england.

you’ve seen the prep that your girlfriend lena has put into this competition. due to the distance, you don’t see her everyday– but you guys have perfected the routine of seeing each other when off-days align.

on the sidelines of the final with germany against england, you wore the green germany kit with some levi 90s jeans. of course, the kit had lena’s last name on the back.

some people might be offended that you, an american player of their national team, is wearing another countries kit– but you know the majority wouldn’t care, and neither did you.

lena deserved to be here at this moment you thought. there was no way that you weren’t going to support her beside her family,

“so, how long are you supposed to be off the pitch?” you looked over to see lena’s father speak to you, his german accent stronger than lena’s. the first half of the final ended and it's nil-nil and it could be anyone’s game.

you wore a black brace around your leg where the injury occurred, so you figured that he was talking about that.

“oh, i won’t be playing until the start of next season. so a couple of months– i have a grade 2 tear in my hamstring.” you respond, smiling as lena’s father nodded his head in understanding.

“you’ll be back out there soon!” lena’s mother spoke with encouragement. you smiled, happy that your girlfriend had sweet parents that treat you as if you were their own.

after talking to her family for longer, the start of the second half comes along. you’re anxious as both teams are keeping possession with the ball.

watching other teams in person is making you miss being out on the pitch playing.

all thoughts aside, your jaw drops as you watch ella toone from england put the ball in at the 62nd minute.

lena got a yellow card moments before for a tackle on your friend, georgia, who is coming to bayern soon. so, lena was already in a disappointed mood before this moment.

as the substitutes for germany and england were starting to come on, you started to feel anxious. you hated this feeling for teams that aren’t your own, but this happens everytime you invest a couple of hours into watching others– especially your girlfriend who you want to see with the euro trophy.

when lina magul scored the equalizer for germany, you put your hands up and clapped as you witnessed the german girls huddle around in a big group hug.

“come on obi!” you whisper to yourself, hoping that this was a fairytale where lena would score the winner for her country.

unfortunately for you, germany’s team, and the fans– chloe kelly taps the ball into the net in the 110th minute– giving england the lead in extra time.

deep down, you knew that was it. you looked ahead at lena with sadness in your eyes. however, you wanted to keep hope.

after the game, seeing lena accept the young player award with tears in her eyes broke your heart. this is something that you’ve never gone through before from the outside, since usually you are the player that needs the comfort of a non-player after a loss.

after thirty minutes of the award process– with the hard watch of england lifting the trophy you wanted lena to lift– lena pushed herself to walk towards her family and you.

at first, you thought she was going to go to her parents for a hug. you stepped back as you made sure that her parents were slightly in front of you.

lena, with dried tears on her face, looked at you and held her hands out. being at the front row before the field, you accepted her embrace– holding her with as much as possible.

she picks you up and pulls you over the barcade, making sure that your leg would be okay, so you’re standing on the pitch now.

“i know you might not want to hear this right now– but you did amazing throughout the tournament. i am so proud of you.” you whisper into her ear.

her strong arms squeeze your waist, a silent thank you that you’ll take it as. she holds you for another minute, knowing that what she needs is your love and reassurance.

as you lift her head up from your shoulder to look at you, she frowns as she closes her eyes. another tear flows down her cheeks but you’re quick to wipe it away–

“hey! don’t beat yourself up. you were the best player of the tournament, and i’m not just saying that because i’m your girlfriend.” you reassure.

you know what lena is thinking– what did i do wrong? was there anything else i could’ve done? did the yellow card send the team into failure? those thoughts were not unfamiliar to you when you lost games, but you’ve never played in a euros final.

“danke.” she smiles slightly.

part three here

#lena oberdorf #woso community #woso fanfics #woso x reader #woso imagine #woso soccer #gerwnt #dfb frauen

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loullaby · 2 days ago

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i posted my donations for @alliwantforchristmasislou earlier, but i wanted to make a separate post about how much bucktommy changed my life this year.

before i tell my personal sob story, i just wanna thank all my bucktommy friends for making me smile again. to my 20 tommy fans and my lou fuckers, you really did save me 💜

@shannondiazs @half-oz-eddie @theweewooshow @louisjude @xofemeraldstars

@disaster-j @reginamillls @wikiangela

@tommykinard @aringofsalt @apartmentsmoke

@kiinard @ohithankyou @shaunashipman

@tommykinard217 @louvemeanyway @loucifersbitch

@kinardevans @louferrignojrofficial @teenmaximoff

and to all the people that support my silly little posts and icons, thank you, i appreciate you so much!

i started watching 911 in 2020, but i never really connected with the fandom. I always felt like I got to it too late, and everyone already had their friend groups, so I just watched the episodes and read fics on my own.

at the end of 2022, i moved to portugal, because my mom got a brain tumor and she was living there, and my husband got accepted to a doctorate program there, so it made sense for us to move. after we moved, my mom lost her pension because of the stupid brazilian government, and my husband wouldn't get his scholarship approved because of the stupid portuguese government, so i had to financially support everyone. that made me work 3 times as hard, which led me to a terrible burnout and depression, but i couldn't stop working or we wouldn't have any money.

i kept going kinda like a zombie, just working, sometimes eating, sometimes sleeping, nothing sparked joy anymore. until april 4th 2024, when bucktommy kissed for the first time. i was still watching 911 through all of this, but i wasn't checking tumblr anymore, but that was such a shock that i had to see what everyone was talking about.

and what i found was a bunch of people that were just as happy as i was to see buck be happy. as we got to know tommy, we fell so deep and so hard for him. and we fell even deeper and harder for lou. we joke that someone put drugs on that man, but his big heart and big tits bewitched us, body and soul.

i found my people, i found a reason to smile again. i was inspired to create for the fandom, something i hadn't done in over 15 years. seeing such a loving relationship and a positive queer representation gave us all hope, and that's why the breakup hurt so much.

let's hope that 2025 brings them back to us, and if it doesn't, we'll always have each other 💜

#ros ily but i can't tag you lol #alliwantforchristmasislou

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sophieinwonderland · 8 months ago

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Debunking Anti(-endo's)Misinfo. AKA: How are anti-endos so bad at sources????

(The original)

Oh, well good on you for trying to cover everything! Nice of anti-endos to finally start trying to use science to prove their arguments. I'm sure these sources will totally be reliable and will prove your points beyond a shadow of a doubt, and that you won't just be falling flat on your face with every single attempt at basic reading comprehension, and end up repeatedly make a complete fool of yourself.

Let's go!

Off to a pretty strong start, acknowledging that many endogenic systems don't have DID or OSDD. Sadly, that basic fact is something that seems to escape most anti-endos. So with this in mind, I think it's safe to say the goal of this post is going to be to prove...

You can't possibly have DID without trauma.

You can't possibly have OSDD without trauma.

You can't be a system without DID/OSDD.

Let's read through and see how they'll do at proving their points by the end. I promise you, the results... won't surprise you. 😉

Well, there goes that strong start.

The source here is a Carrd and so-called "common sense."

Meanwhile, in the World Health Organization's ICD-11, alters or dissociative identities are described as "distinct personality states." In the same page, it's stated that you can have multiple "distinct personality states" without a disorder.

This is information from the World Health Organization affirming that you can be plural without a disorder. And I think that prevails over your so-called "common sense."

See also these screenshots from the plurality chapter of Transgender Mental Health, a book published by the American Psychiatric Association:

Finally, I really want to put a focus on this line of logic: "you cannot have alters without having a disorder, this is common sense as it's not normal to have alters."

Normal has multiple meanings in different contexts. The ICD-11's boundary with normality uses normal to mean "non-pathological." But this post seems to be using "normal" in the lay way to mean "common."

And that makes this particular rhetoric extremely dangerous and harmful to many communities. "If it's not common, it's a mental illness," was the basis for homosexuality and being transgender being listed as mental illnesses. "Most people don't think this way, so there's something wrong with them."

This could also easily be used to pathologize Otherkin and other alterhumans as mentally ill because it's not "normal" to identify as an animal.

The modern World Health Organization and American Psychiatric Association recognize the fact that simply thinking unusually or differently isn't an illness or disorder.

Statements like yours do not exist within a vacuum, but harken back to decades past when any non-typical thinking would have you labeled as having a disorder that needed treated.

Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.

Let's be thankful to live in a world today where our differences aren't considered disorders. And let's not resort to ideologies that threaten to return us to those days past.

Wait... who suggests this? Who are they? I think I need more info...

So... "some researchers."

Also, can we talk about how this starts off with "sometimes called multiple personality disorder." I checked to see if this was before the name changed in the ICD (which I believe was 2015) and it doesn't seem to be! Oldest archive I can find is 2020!

Rethink.org is a charity.

These are not peer-reviewed papers.

The page references "some researchers" without names or sources.

I have no idea who authored this or if they're qualified at all in this field.

This is a terrible source. A web page by an anonymous author citing other unnamed authors with no reason to think anyone who wrote this had any idea what they were talking about!

This says DID is caused by many things, and lists trauma as only one that's included. This doesn't back up the idea DID/OSDD can only be caused by trauma, and suggests the opposite.

Oh, and "it's also known as split personality disorder." 😔

Go home WebMD.

Usually associated with doesn't mean it's a requirement, and in fact implies that it isn't always.

"Is associated with." "Can be a response to trauma."

Reiterating that the first two goals here were to prove you can't have DID or OSDD without trauma. And these aren't doing that.

An association doesn't mean there's a causation, and it doesn't mean that association is there in 100% of cases.

"often develop."

Like with "usually", you wouldn't use the word often if if something always happened. The choice of wording implies you can have dissociative disorders without trauma.

Are... they messing with us right now???

I swear, you can't have a post that sets out with the goal of disproving the existence of endogenic plurality, and then use quotes that seem to consistently imply there can be other causes for DID and not pick up on that theme!

Oh, yay! We finally got a quote that's actually trying to argue the point we started with.

But, again, this runs into a similar issue to the ReThink.org one. This is a random independent organization. There is no author for this article. It hasn't undergone peer review like an academic paper would.

There is no evidence the person who wrote this article is actually educated in dissociative disorders.

And finally back to "usually."

You must be so proud...

Source Round-Up

There was a lot here, so let's just recap.

6 out of 8 of these sources only say that DID is "usually" or "often" or "can be" caused by or associated with trauma. These actually imply there are cases where it's NOT caused by trauma, going against the original goals of this post.

Finally, there were two sources, Rethink and Mind.org, which did suggest DID is just caused by trauma, full stop. But both of these are extremely questionable as sources.

Neither named their authors. There's no indication what the review process is for their websites. And "Rethink" merely said this is what "some researchers" believe.

So let's double back to those goals set at the beginning.

You can't possibly have DID without trauma: One source says this, but the reliability of that source is questionable. Another source says some researchers are saying this but doesn't name any researchers or cite those sources. Meanwhile, the other six sources imply that it IS possible for DID to exist without trauma.

You can't possibly have OSDD without trauma: Neither of the two sources that suggest DID can only be caused by trauma mention OSDD at all.

You can't be a system without DID/OSDD: None of the sources suggest you need DID/OSDD to be a system or to be plural.

So far, you've failed to prove you can't be a system without DID or OSDD. You've failed to show you can't have OSDD without trauma. And the case for DID being exclusive to trauma frankly looks weaker than before you started talking.

Incredible work so far!!!

And I mean that in the way that nothing about this is remotely credible!

Ugh. There is SO much wrong here. First, no sources for their claims about tulpamancy.

Now, tulpamancy draws its name from a Tibetan Buddhist practice called sprul pa.

This is not the same practice though. And the Tibetan Buddhist practice is NOT CALLED TULPAMANCY.

Something which should be obvious to anyone who knows even the most basic facts about language, with the -mancy suffix being derived from Latin. And tulpamancy as a practice generally isn't religious.

From Dr. Samuel Veissiere of McGill University:

The community is primarily divided between so-called psychological and metaphysical explanatory principles. In the psychological community, neuroscience (or folk neuroscience) is the explanation of choice. Tulpas are understood as mental constructs that have achieved sentience. The metaphysical explanation holds that Tulpas are agents of supernatural origins that exist outside the hosts’ minds, and who come to communicate with them. Of 118 respondents queried on the question, 76.5% identified with the psychological explanation, 8.5% with the metaphysical, and 14% with a variety of “other” explanations, such as a mixture of psychological and metaphysical.

When discussing the research into tulpamancy, we're not discussing a religious or spiritual practice that's been validated by psychologists.

We're talking about a primarily psychological practice that's been validated by psychologists.

And as for the DSM quote, it confirms that religious practices aren't a disorder. Cool. But it also implies that religious practices can result in multiple distinct personality states. Hence why they needed that criterion. It's not stated as explicitly in the DSM as in the ICD, but the implication is there, especially when taken together.

Whether you call these "alters" or not is up to you. Most endogenic systems aren't using the word "alter" to describe their headmates.

But regardless of the word, what the research is showing is that there are multiple phenomena which can result in people having multiple self-conscious agents sharing the same body.

I mean, you've still done a really bad job at showing DID and OSDD form purely from trauma, with many of your sources straight up saying the opposite.

And remember, a lot of mixed origin systems will say that their other headmates aren't caused by or related to their disorder. And there are documented cases of people with DID both having alters associated with DID, and having non-aversive entities they commune with outside of that, as Kluft references in this paper:

The woman he describes here, who experienced ceding control to another entity who talked through her, would qualify as a mixed origin system in the modern plural community.

SIX OF YOUR EIGHT SOURCES LEFT THE DOOR OPEN FOR DID TO FORM WITHOUT TRAUMA!

NONE CLAIMED OSDD COULD ONLY COME FROM TRAUMA!

NONE CLAIMED YOU NEEDED DID OR OSDD TO BE PLURAL!

Your sources are NOT claiming what you think they're claiming!!!!!!!

If this is "all the proof you need," to say endogenic systems aren't valid, it's clear you were only ever interested in confirming your worldview.

But surely you can't seriously think this will convince anyone who isn't already indoctrinated!

Not even addressing this in full. It's such a blatant strawman that it's not worth my time.

There are similarities between plurality and being LGBTQ. Especially to the many trans systems out there who are seeing anti-endos use the same rhetoric that transmeds have. Or like you did earlier, are endorsing the same types of views that led to homosexuality being pathologized until the 70s. But nobody is saying it's the exactly the same!

I'm not sure what this is specifically referring to. But it might be about the line in the differential diagnosis for DID in the PTSD section where it's stated DID may not be preceded by trauma or have co-occurring PTSD symptoms.

It does also say in another section that DID is associated with trauma, but it never actually says that's the only way to get DID.

This is a straight-up lie. Most sources used by endogenic systems are less than a decade old, with some being as recent as 2023.

Here's the breakdown of some of the dates in @guardianssystem's doc, for reference:

I mean, I feel like part of the reason nobody has been able to disprove it is because a lot of its more specific claims have been really hard to test.

But that's neither here nor there.

The bigger issue you'll run into is that the creators of the theory you're citing have stated that there may be other ways for people to be plural. Or as they phrased it, having "conscious and self-conscious dissociated parts."

The above quote is from two of the three authors of The Haunted Self, the creators of the theory of the structural dissociation.

The TOSD is made to propose a way trauma can cause dissociative disorders to develop. But it does NOT suggest you need to have dissociative disorders to be plural, and I doubt the authors appreciated their work being twisted like that

Final Grade:

F-

This started with three goals.

Let's look back at them one last time.

You can't possibly have DID without trauma.

You can't possibly have OSDD without trauma.

You can't be a system without DID/OSDD.

By the end of this, have any of these claims successfully been proven?

I don't feel they have.

The first claim is what all the sources tried to focus on. But most of the sources didn't say that and didn't support it. All but two implied that DID could possibly form other ways.

And for the others? Nothing suggests OSDD can only be caused by trauma.

And you failed to provide any sources that suggested you couldn't be plural without DID and OSDD.

You completely and utterly failed to find decent sources to back up your claims, and to make a compelling case for them, at every conceivable juncture.

If I were you, I would be embarrassed to have put out something of such poor quality.

What have we learned:

Non-disordered and endogenic plurality has been supported and validated across the psychological field, including the World Health Organization's ICD-11 and Trasngender Mental Health which has been reviewed and published by the American Psychiatric Association.

The creators of the theory of structural dissociation believe it might be possible that "self-conscious dissociative parts of the personality" might form without trauma and that this needs to be further researched.

Tulpamancy is a mostly psychological practice that has been studied and validated by psychologists.

Anti-endos are really bad at sources.

Conversely, the majority of endogenic sources are actual peer reviewed academic papers. And contrary to false claims here, many of the papers are actually very recent.

(Tagging some tags from the original post)

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thecourtjester-e · 10 days ago

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Do you have to let it linger? Pt. 1

A/N: hey yall! First fic! This is part one to kind of get a feel for if people like this and want more. Let me know.

Third person POV

You're a streamer/singer/dancer who is asked to sing at the wedding of a fellow streamer. Schlatt is invited too, which means more fake flirting and bullying. Unless the flirting isn’t fake after all.

Y/N- She/her (may write more gn in future)

Slow burn, yearning, fluff

No warnings (for now..)

——————

Being friends with Jschlatt is weird. It’s actually like you’re friends with two people at the same time. In front of a camera he’s a boisterous, loud, obnoxious character, but behind it he’s pretty quiet and closed off even. He doesn’t do the cons or public appearances. He’s actually pretty introverted.

When you met schlatt on “love or host” in 2020 you didn’t love the energy, but did think he was funny. You made him laugh, you related to each other both being from the east coast, and you did find him wildly attractive. You choose host that game which led to an awkward conversation when you won. You invited him to your stream anyway though since you ended up regretting your decision. You playfully bullied and flirted with each other for a couple hours. Afterwards schlatt reached out and was friendly and chill behind the scenes. Even though he does still hold a grudge about you choosing host. This started an amusing partnership spanning the past couple years that was mostly him interrupting your streams to bully and flirt with you and you being “annoyed”. In reality you guys spend a lot of time on the phone after streams talking or just working on your own shit while in each other’s company. You’d fall asleep to his streams on nights he would stream. And he’d call you during them sometimes.

“When are you moving to Austin?” He’d tease

“When you fund my move,” You shoot back.

“Fucking gold digger,” he’d respond, sipping on his drink.

After many months of this and many appearances on each other’s channels and fancams you guys got used to this routine. Constantly getting asked about each other on each other’s streams. You had met only twice in person. Once a couple months after love or host, at the height of the “shipping”.

A week before you met in person for the first time, schlatt called during a stream of yours, “when I get out to LA I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you. And that’s no j-“

you hung up before he could finish the sentence and slammed your phone on the table laughing with fake frustration and put your head in your hands to hide your burning cheeks. You pretended to be annoyed and disgusted even, but in reality, that made for great content. You don’t even have to look at chat to know it’s going a million miles an hour. “Chat, can we ban that guy?”

You guys just knew how to boost each other’s numbers. Sometimes you didn’t even realize he was in the chat until people started freaking out.

You got into streaming because of Ted. You met Ted in college through mutual friends who you don’t even talk to anymore, and he convinced you to get on twitch to boost your numbers on your videos. You normally post your music or dancing, but Ted got you into streaming games and it helped get people into your other content. He’s the one who got you on love or host too. So really he’s to blame for all of this.

The first time you met, Schlatt was coming out to LA for chuckle week, a week of podcasting with Ted and Charlie, which you had been invited to be on. The meeting was highly anticipated and now thanks to schlatt, public knowledge, so your socials were very busy leading up to it.

The day everyone arrived you drove over to Ted’s place where everyone was hanging out. You couldn’t help but feel nervous. It’s weird, you felt so comfortable around Schlatt online, but in person? What if it just wasn’t the same?

When you arrived you went up to Ted’s apartment door and let yourself in with a deep breath and shaking hands. Faking confidence you yell as you burst in, “WHATS UP CHUCKLE FUCKS??”

A chorus of excitement from the group as you entered with schlatt nowhere in sight. You got in and said hi to everyone. Connor came out to say hey, “schlatt’s upstairs,” he said after giving you a hug.

You nodded and went back to mingling, Ted got you a drink and you were all catching up when I heard from upstairs, “where is she? WHERE’S THE BROAD?!”

You looked towards the stairs where you see Schlatt hurdling down them. You move to meet him in the middle of the room and as you do he grabs your waist and hoists you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and laughs maniacally. You immediately started laughing and pretend to struggle and yell.

“HELP HELPPPP ME!” You scream between laughter as he walks out the front door and shuts it, but as soon as you get outside he sets you down laughing. You both laugh hysterically and he gives you a big bear hug.

“Holy shit you’re real!” He finally says holding your arms, looking at you in full now still grinning ear to ear. You can tell he’s a little nervous about being in each other’s presence too.

“Jesus, dude,” You laugh still composing yourself after being manhandled. “Of course I’m real,” you laugh. The nerves melted away pretty quickly as you playfully smacked him.

He giggled mischievously and opened the front door to go back in where everyone was also still laughing. You could see Connor had his phone out recording the interaction. That’ll surely make the rounds on twitter later, you thought to yourself. The evening proceeded and it got sloppy relatively quickly thanks to the excitement of being together.

The week was mostly work for the boys and you only saw them again when you filmed your episode with them, but schlatt did make sure you guys all went out together one more time before he left.

When you did check twitter, the video of Schlatt throwing you over his shoulder and running out the door was blowing up. People in the comments losing it over how cute you two were.

—————

The second time you saw Schlatt in person was just as busy and chaotic. You went to Austin to visit him and other fellow streamers for a big streaming event. You didn’t get to see Schlatt too much but one of the last nights you guys hung out and stayed up all night as his house hanging out and talking. You guys played Mario kart and watched YouTube, but by the end of the night you guys put on Radio Head and discussed their discography and your mutual love for them.

“You know it’s funny though, one of their songs is my least favorite song of all time,” you say.

“Which one?” He responds.

“Creep. I fucking hate that song,” you fume.

“What? Why?” He asks.

“I hate that it’s their most popular song and it’s so shallow. It’s like what guys put on before they tell me I’m “not like the other girls” you know?” You finish.

“Honestly bad take dude,” he responds.

You guys keep arguing back and forth about Radiohead for a while until the conversation dies off.

“I’m moving back to New York,” schlatt finally says.

“Really why?”

“I fucking hate Austin.”

“Wow big surprise there.”

“Seriously dude it sucks. I wasn’t built for this heat, and everything is just fucking insufferable,” he rants.

“Well now I have more of an excuse to go back out to the East coast,” you respond. “When do you move?”

“When you leave I’m gonna start packing.”

You nod and pet Jambo who has found his way over to the couch and onto your lap. Schlatt scoops up the other one and starts terrorizing him. you giggle at them.

“Is it weird that I’m gonna miss you?” He asked. It’s late in the night, the drinks and tiredness influencing his mind.

“Yeah a little. You’re like obsessed with me or something though so it makes sense,” you say shrugging.

“We’re barely business associates,” he said back, Slipping into character, “fucking bitch.”

“Shut up, baby. You know you want me,” You said in a sultry tone. You look at his cheeky smirk. He tried to avoid your gaze and chuckled as he finished his drink. “I’m going to miss you too,” you finally said.

It hadn’t meant to be serious, but you could feel the tension shift after you spoke. All the jokes in person and online, sometimes you wondered where the line was. It was blurry and getting blurrier by the day. When the cameras were off he didn’t flirt with you as much if at all. But there was a genuine side to the playful flirting that seemed too real sometimes. When he’d speak he’d sound so serious even if it was an obvious joke. It made you a little excited and flustered sometimes when he said stuff on camera.

Sitting so close to him, he smelled so good, musky, and like clean shampoo, but also laundry soap. It was distracting. Man you were tired. And delusional. But the way he smiled at you, his eyes were dark and his freckles so perfect on his face. You shook your head and shook the thoughts away.

Fuck I need to go to bed.

———

The last time you saw Schlatt was over 3 months ago, and you did miss Schlatt like you said you would. Working on music and being in the studio dancing kept you busy, not to mention streaming. But late at night he would call you and you would chat until the early hours.

A fellow streamer contacted you out of nowhere several months ago about performing at his wedding you immediately said yes. He wanted you to sing a duet for the first dance and for the mother son and father daughter dances. It was such an honor to be part of someone’s special day like that, of course you said yes. So for the past months you’ve been rehearsing with a fellow singer/creator, Max, and now the wedding week was here.

Hotel arrangements were made in the place the same hotel the wedding will be held so you can get ready there. You showed up a day ahead of everything so you can see the space and practice. you have to do it in secret because the bride didn’t know you would be performing. The groom wanted it to be a surprise so you’ve kept most of it down low.

You did tell schlatt and Ted you’d be there a day early since they were both invited as well. You told them you’d be performing and to keep it a secret. You didn’t tell them much else about it though to keep it confidential. while driving to the hotel you get a call from Ted.

you answer, “Hey what’s happenin’ captain?”

“Heeyyyyy, Y/N!” He responds. He sounds immediately suspicious.

“What did you do?” You crack back.

“W-what do you mean?” You hear someone in the background.

“Who’s with you???”

“No one.”

“Theodore.”

“….Tucker… And schlatt.”

“Heyyyy Y/N,” you hear Schlatt say over exaggerated.

“Heyyy” you hear Tucker.

“Wtf I thought you guys weren’t going to be here until tomorrow morning?”

“They weren’t but then they decided to come a night early so we can hang out.”

“You guys know I have to practice right now right?” You say feeling stressed.

“Yeah but after we thought we’d hang out at the hotel or go out!” Ted responds hopefully.

You sigh trying not to expose how truly excited you are that your friends are here, throwing up a shield of annoyance. “Ok alright, come by at 7 I should be done then.” They agree and hang up.

Getting to the hotel all went smoothly, you met with the wedding planner and their team to be shown where you would be performing and met up with Max. You got to practice a couple times and do a sound check before the rehearsal dinner started. The whole time you felt like your heart was pounding in your chest. You felt distracted at the thought of seeing your friends who you haven’t seen in a while.

Your heart kept skipping thinking about schlatt being here. You couldn’t help but feel the butterflies in your stomach when you thought about schlatt lately. You missed him so much, more than you expected and all you want to do is hug him and be near him again. You push those thoughts out of your head as you went back to your hotel room.

You get freshened up and text Ted to tell him you were done earlier than expected. Ted responded almost immediately

We’re in my hotel room

345

Your heart skipped, you didn’t realize they were here already. You grab your purse and flannel and practically run to the elevator. Pressing 3 and waiting trying not to jump up and down. As you got out of the elevator you looked down the hall to see Schlatt swearing at himself in front of a door.

“Hey!” You yelled down to him, making him jump.

“Holy shit. you scared the dick out of me.” He starts walking down to you.

“I missed you too pookie bear!” You say reaching to hug him. He grabs you hard and lifts you up just enough to pick your feet off the ground.

“Ah! Jesus dude.” You say acting mad.

“Sorry toots.” He says and quickly puts you down and releases you gently. He looks down at you inspecting your face.

His gaze felt heavy and intimidating. He seemed more confident this time, less nervous. He was smiling so wide his eyes disappeared behind his lashes. Still standing so close that you could smell his cologne again and it made you shiver. His hair was ruffled and messy under his hat from travel. He looks so kissable. You pushed these feelings down, and out. You felt silly for even feeling this way about schlatt, it was supposed to be for show.

“What were you doing?” You say trying to distract him from your blushing under his gaze.

He looks back at the door sighing his smile harshly falling, “fucking- I fucking locked myself out of my room.”

“How did you do that?” You burst out laughing.

“Fuck off, ok? I was trying to get my bags moved in here and Ted’s room is down the other end of the hall and I just-“ he sighs and puts his head in his hand.

“Come on I’ll go with you to the lobby, Big Guy,” you chuckle and hold out your hand playfully.

He grabs it reluctantly and follows you to the elevator. His hand is so much bigger than yours. It’s warm and soft where yours is cold. He swings his arm with yours as you walk down the hall playfully. He drops it as you approach the elevator making your heart sink a little. Pressing the button and getting in with you. He stands next to you, looking down at you as his frame towers yours. You guys catch up and he tells you about how awful his flight was and how much he hates LA making you laugh.

You’re able to get him a new card from the front desk no problem, and head back up. He heads towards his room and you tell him you’re going to say hi to Ted. He nods and watches you walk down the other end of the hall towards his room. You can feel his eyes staring into you as you walk. Finding Ted’s room you knock super hard and keep knocking until Tucker opens the door.

“Hey! Y/N!!!” Tucker exclaims and hugs you.

“Holy shit, Tucker I haven’t seen you in a minute man how are you!!” You genuinely can’t hold how excited you are to see Tucker. He’s been busy with school and having a wife that you haven’t seen him much. Now that he’s doing streaming and content creation too you hope that will change.

“So you were a victim of Theodore’s pyramid scheme too huh?” I say.

“He makes compelling points!” Tucker says laughing.

“It’s not a scheme! Look how well it’s working for you, missy.” Ted says coming out of the bathroom.

You roll your eyes at him and hug him anyway. He gives you a bear hug that could crack your ribs. You just saw Ted at a creator event last week but he’s happy his friends are all together. It’s truly one of Ted’s favorite things when he can have all his buddies together at once.

“Schlatt’s down in his room,” Tucker says.

“Yeah I caught him already.”

“Oh?” Ted inquires

“Yeah he locked himself out,” you smirk. You explain the situation and series of events minus how soft his hands are and how his cologne makes you want to bury your face in his chest.

They laugh at the story and get to catching up but you can’t stop thinking about the way he looked at you. As you listen to Ted and Tucker bicker about some small detail of a story, there’s a knock.

“Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!” You hear Schlatt say with a deep gravelly voice.

“Not by the hair on my ass!” Ted says back.

“That’s not how it goes,” says tucker chiding Ted.

You just laugh as Tucker lets Schlatt in. The shenanigans ensue and soon you’re all making plans to go to this steak place Schlatt never shuts up about when he’s in LA.

At the restaurant Schlatt complains more about mundane shit and argues with Ted. You guys order food and while you’re sipping a rum and Coke you tune out of the conversation. You sudden realize how hungry you are, smelling the food waft through the room. You tap your foot and look around the restaurant until you glance at Schlatt who has stopped fighting and is looking at you. His gaze is soft as he looks at you. Ted and Tucker are arguing now about something as Schlatt stares at you.

“What?” You say combatively, putting up a fist and pretending to go to hit him.

He pretends to flinch and cower making you laugh. He drops that act fast and smiles going back to his drink. You can’t help but hang on to his every move, suave and smooth, unless he was trying to be goofy. Even then, it was like he had to try to be awkward. You tried to make sure your gaze didn’t linger too long on him. Distracting yourself with everything, anything.

God I’m hungry.

Schlatt insists on paying your bill when you nearly have a heart attack looking at the menu. You tell him it’s fine, but he insists because it was his idea to choose a place this fancy. you had to give schlatt credit though this place was amazing. The food was to die for. You thought you were gonna cum from the first bite. Maybe he wasn’t being over dramatic in his love for this place.

Ted suggests going out to a karaoke bar when dinner wraps up. Tucker and Schlatt protest because neither wants to sing. You love karaoke though so you side with Ted. You decide to make a conscious effort not to take it too seriously or go too hard since you have to sing tomorrow. You didn’t take karaoke very seriously anyway because it was supposed to be fun and you always used it to try to make your friends laugh. You guys pay the bills and head out.

Walking down the block the guys all goof around as you follow. You’re glad you didn’t wear heels, because keeping up with these guys was a challenge. Their strides are much longer and faster than yours while you lag behind. You’d all had a couple drinks already and the jokes were flowing. The night air was warm and the cars were rushing by, you tuned out the boys and pulled out your phone to see Max had texted you about tomorrow. Suddenly Schlatt stops and waits for you to catch up, standing right in front of you, “Trust fall!” He shouts and then starts to fall into your arms. You instinctively grab him, but he stops himself, laughing.

“Nuh uh, do it again motherfucker you didn’t even fall!” You yell.

He looks at you seriously, “Y/n, I’m 250 pounds and 6’5”. You can’t catch me,” he scoffs scowling at you.

“Try me bitch!” You put your arms out this time. He looks at you.

“Ok but if you don’t catch me we’re not friends anymore. it’s not my fault when I bludgeon you to death with my body,” then he turns around and crosses his arms over his chest. Now Ted and Tucker are stopped and watching.

“Do it pussy,” you spat, then he does and as he does he yelps with a girly scream, but you catch him and prop him back up. Ted and Tucker golf clap. Schlatt turns around and looks at you.

“Jesus what steroids are you on?” He laughs now uncontrollably, “you have fucking man strength.”

“Bruh, I’m a dancer? I lift weights?” You roll up your sleeve and flex. Schlatt genuinely looks impressed as he laughs.

“Yeah dude, Y/N’s a sleeper build!” Tucker shouts.

Schlatt grabs your arm and squeals like a girl again “my HERO!” You smack him away and he pretends to be hurt still using his high pitch voice. You can’t help but laugh at him as you continue walking.

——

When you get to the karaoke bar you guys get more drinks and get a room. Ted starts cueing up songs telling you that he wants to do a duet with you but half a dozen duets with Ted later ranging from Barbie girl (he was Barbie obviously) to shallow from “a star is born” you feel yourself getting too drunk too fast. So you take a break and give the microphone to schlatt.

“I’m not singing,” he says indignantly.

Ted whips around to him, “schlatt come on.” Schlatt shakes his head and they start arguing back and forth.

“I can sing My Way better anyway,” Ted says finally.

“Oh ho no you can’t,” Schlatt says dismissively. This leads to ted singing My Way and Schlatt yelling and booing the whole time as you laugh your ass off with Tucker.

“Fine give me that shit,” Schlatt starts going through the menu looking for a song. You can’t see what he’s looking for then suddenly “Creep” starts playing and you groan loudly.

“FUCK OFF DUDE.” You Yell at schlatt over the music. He starts singing it all dramatically. You plug your ears and ignore him but he sits in your lap and continues to sing until you have to join in to get him off of you.

Ted makes Tucker sing with him a couple times and does a couple solos while you cheer and add ad libs. you’re all so drunk and laughing your asses off.

——

After you almost get kicked out of the karaoke bar, you all go back to Ted and Tucker’s hotel room and watch videos on the TV, many a wrestling match between Ted and Tucker later, around 2 am when you decide to call it quits. “Alright I have to go to bed, it's a long day tomorrow,” you say, standing and grabbing your purse.

“Booo party pooper,” says a very inebriated Tucker.

“You want me to walk you to your room?” Ted says.

“I’m a big kid Theodore, I can walk-“ you say stumbling to your feet. Ted rolls his eyes and follows you to the door. You honestly wouldn’t mind having a second alone with Ted.

As you walk toward the door schlatt calls after you, “Good night ookie wookie pookie bear!”

You flip him off without looking and walk out. As soon as the door closes Ted makes a look towards you, lifting his eyebrows.

“What’s wrong with your face?” You ask.

“Oh nothing, you guys are just cute.” He says cheekily.

“God you're worse than the stans,” You whine.

He laughs in response “yeah except there’s no cameras here that was just pure flirting.”

“That was very clearly a joke, Ted.”

“Dude come on you two were staring at each other all night.”

“Look, I don’t want to ruin this friendship with Schlatt so drop it. It’s a joke, you know? He’s joking around and so am I! It’s a bit..” you say not very convincingly.

“Alright… but it would be cool you know! Two of my best friends-“

“Fuck off.”

“Ok.”

It’s true, you don’t want to lose what you already have, especially not for a foolish crush. Plus it’s terrifying being that open to someone. There’s something about what you and schlatt have now that is like dating someone without the vulnerability and just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for them to decide you’re not the love of their life and leave taking a piece of you with them… or something like that.

———

The next morning your head is already spinning. You run down and grab some breakfast and coffee since you know you won’t be eating until much later, you avoid taking anything because you know you’ll be drinking later anyway so you just pray the caffeine and water will do its job. As you get ready in your room you begin your ritual to prepare your voice and get the shower ready. You take a shower, do your makeup and slowly warm up your voice. You make your tea for your throat and do some stretching too to calm the nerves. You’ve given yourself enough time until the ceremony to take your time finishing your hair and getting dressed. For the ceremony you have a pretty boring dark blue long sleeve dress knee length dress. For the the reception however, you have a burgundy red mermaid spaghetti strap dress to put on to perform in. It’s shiny with a deep V neckline and an open back. It’s fancy. And you have to admit it makes you feel sexy. You wear the same black heels with both. For the ceremony an updo then you’ll take your hair down when you perform.

As the ceremony approaches you double check that you have things ready for the reception and make your way down to the lobby. As you ride the elevator you text Schlatt.

I’m heading down, you guys ready?

He responds immediately

Yeah we’re headed down too.

You’re only in the lobby for a minute or two before the elevator dings and the guys arrive including Charlie and Connor, all dressed to the nines.

Schlatt in a suit. I mean come on. you can’t say you haven’t thought about it since you found out he was coming to the wedding. He cleans up really well. He looks so proper. He’s chatting with Connor when he sees you and you have to hide the breath hitching in your throat.

You can feel your cheeks glowing already.

“Nice monkey suit. You clean up alright,” You joke. “Who knew there was a handsome man under there?” You say adjusting his tie when he approaches.

He swats your hand away then suddenly grabs it and kisses it, “you don’t look so bad yourself, toots.” He winks at you.

Holy fuck. My knees are fucking jelly.

He immediately chuckles at your reaction. Cheeks burning up you roll your eyes and turn away.

On the grounds of the hotel, there’s a beautiful garden with a pavilion setup with chairs. You mingle and find other streamer friends you haven’t seen in a while or haven’t met yet. You recognize quite a few faces. You see Tyler (handsumfella) who you have had playful banter with on the SDMP and have streamed with occasionally. You haven’t met him in person yet however. You break off the little group forming to go say hey.

“Tyler, hey!” You say.

“Holy shit, Y/N! You look incredible. God damn, girl!” He says gassing you up, as you hug him. You blush and wave your hand to shoo his compliments.

“Says you! Look at you! now I see where you get your username.” you weren’t lying. Tyler was wearing a gorgeous suit and god damn was he even sexier IRL. Now here’s a guy you could really crush on. You guys flirt back and forth when Schlatt walks up.

“Hey! Tyler! What's good man?” He shakes his hand and Tyler pulls him in for a hug.

“Schlatt! Holy shit dude!” He grabs schlatt’s shoulder, “man everyone looks so good! I was just telling Y/N how sexy she looks.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna take her back to my room tonight,” Schlatt interrupts Tyler. He grabs your waist to pull you close to him, catching you off guard.

Tyler laughs at schlatts words and your shocked reaction and you join. Schlatt has a serious, borderline scary, expression, not moving his hand from your hip. You put your hand on schlatt’s chest to motion that the bit is over now, and he lets you go. Tyler goes on to chat with you and joins the little group forming on the lawn.

The ceremony goes swiftly, smoothly, and rather quickly. You sit with Schlatt, Ted, Tucker, Connor, Charlie, and your duet partner, Max. You’re not huge on the whole lovey dovey stuff so you’re glad this is a short ceremony. As soon as the ceremony ends you grab max and make a game plan to get ready and meet up to set up for the first dance.

As You break off from the group you tell Schlatt you’re going to get ready. You become focused on the task at hand. You slip into the silky red dress, and take down your hair, which you style and spray. You freshen up your makeup adding a red lip. As you inspect in the mirror you feel confidence rising in you. It’s rather revealing and you’re not really used to it, but dammit you look hot. Then you text Max and run down to meet the wedding planner. You check the instruments and microphones quickly before the guests come in. As guests arrive for cocktail hour you grab a glass of wine and stand by the bar.

Schlatt comes in and this time he’s the one blushing as he sees what you’ve changed into. He makes a beeline for you and you try not to watch him stalk over. He comes up next to you.

“Wow,” he says plainly. As introverted as Schlatt was, it was rare for him to be lost for words.

“Yeah yeah get it over with,” you say.

“Get what over with?”

“Your snarky comment about how I look like man in dress or whatever,” you say rolling your eyes and drinking your wine.

He looks genuinely confused, “Y/N. You look stunning.” He says seriously.

His reaction catches you completely off guard, no jokingly flirty remark or snide comment. It was just a genuine compliment. And the way his face was so real made you squirm. It’s a look you weren’t used to seeing on schlatt often. You could feel your heart racing in your chest as you continued to study you.

Before you can respond, the newlyweds are announced and given drinks you know you have about 15 minutes until the first dance. You have to excuse yourself from Schlatt after he just made your heart fall out of your ass. As you walk away you can feel his eyes burning holes into the back of you.

Nerves start to build as you focus on getting into your performance mindset. You are suddenly very aware of the skin you’re showing and how your head is still thumping, and the fact that over 50 of your closest colleagues (basically) are all here to listen to you. You suddenly think about how schlatt is out there now and he’s going to hear you and see you perform. You take deep breaths, being deafened by your pulse.

As the first dance is announced you take your spot with Max towards the dance floor discreetly. You go to sit at the grand piano and Max starts playing the guitar. As the couple starts to dance Max starts to sing “Die with a Smile” the spotlights shine on you two and the room erupts into applause as Max sings the first verse, the bride doesn’t realize you two are there at first but when she does it’s priceless. You focus on harmonizing with max and playing the piano. Soon the nerves melt away as you’re swept into the emotion of the song and of the day. You can’t help but glance around the room a bit. When your verse begins you notice Schlatt staring solely at you. You do your best to ignore it as you put your heart and soul into playing and singing and feeling every word and note.

If the world was ending I’d wanna be next to you, if the party was over and our time on earth was through, I’d wanna hold you just for a while, and die with a smile

You guys finish and the crowd erupts in cheers you stand from behind the piano and motion to the couple and clap, then to Max, then max motions to you and you bow. You play and sing for the mother son and daughter father dances as well with Max, afterwards more applause and tears. You can’t help but feel emotional about it all. something about this wedding was getting to you. You started to feel an appreciation for the whole ordeal. Once things quiet down you move to find your way out to run and freshen up before dinner.

You make your way through the crowd as people compliment you and praise you for your work. You whisper polite thank yous and excuse yourself through the crowd and out to the lobby. You and max stand in the lobby alone and you hug each other.

“Hey that was great, I think we really killed it,” he says.

“Yeah I think so too!” You respond finally breathing for the first time today. You guys grab each others hands and share a giddy moments

“Bitch, your voice is unreal,” max dotes.

“God the way you hit those notes in the beginning.”

You guys talk about the performance and exchange notes as you walk to your rooms. Max was a singer you met through streaming and you did some collaborations with him. Your voices just melded together so well. Over the years you guys had made a great friendship and working bond.

“Hey so what’s up with you and JSchlatt? Are you guys a thing?” He inquires raising a hopeful brow.

“You’re such a gossip whore.” You respond.

“God he looks so good in a suit,” he says, rolling his eyes at you.

“Yeah he looks fine.”

“If by fine you mean, drop dead,” he says flipping his hair. “You better get up in that otherwise I will.” He finally says opening his room and going in.

You scoff and open your door.

You quickly freshen up your makeup and hair and puff on your weed pen before stuffing it in your handbag and heading back to the party with Max. He jokingly sticks out his arm for you two to walk arm in arm like high school girls back into the ballroom.

When you get back you see dinner is already in motion, you find your table with Ted and the rest and sit down in your spot between Max and Tucker. You say hey to everyone as they compliment you both. By the time you guys get there dinner was pretty much over so you eat a little of whatever is left since you haven’t eaten much today. You quickly clock the open bar again and move to get a drink. Schlatt gets up when he sees your plan. As you weave through the tables Schlatt follows you. When you arrive at the bar you steal another look at him.

“You sounded amazing,” he says shyly.

“Thank you! I’m happy with how that went. I think the bride was pretty surprised,” you respond, giving a chuckle. You try not to stare at him for too long. There’s a small not entirely uncomfortable silence as you wait for your drinks.

“Ready to get fucked up?” He questions as he grabs a shot and his drink.

“Oh absolutely. Open bar for a bunch of content creators? Huge mistake.” You hold your shot out to cheers him, he does chuckling and you both shoot back a shot and head back to the table drink in hand.

After dinner they cut the cake and the dancing begins. Pretty standard party bangers. You get in with the crowd of other girl content creators you’re friends with and you’re all dancing on the floor like fools soon enough. You love dancing, seriously and just for fun. You don’t get to dance for fun often, but right now it’s all fun. You’re grinding on each other and doing the goofiest dance moves. Most of the guys are hanging out together and chatting. occasionally, some of them coming out to dance, namely Ted. Tyler too though. They both dance like fools. Soon you’re all screaming “FROM THE WINDOOOOOW TO THE WALL!” And you can feel the intoxication taking over quickly. You pretend to dance up on Ted and he throws it back at you. You’re laughing and shouting lyrics you can feel yourself losing your voice. After an hour or so of this You start to feel the spins and decide to go sit and nurse a water for a bit. Tyler comes over to sit next to you at a table.

“Hey you killed it tonight!” He compliments.

“Thank you! I appreciate that.” You smile back

“Of course dude.” He nurses a water too while you guys talk. “Where’s your date?” He asks after a while.

“Max? Probably flirting with a straight guy somewhere-“

“No! Schlatt!” He cuts you off.

“Schla- he’s not my- we’re just-“

“Oh shit! My bad homie, just earlier when he said that thing I just expected.”

“No you’re good, I mean idk why he said that but no we’re just friends,” you say maybe not hiding your disappointment very well.

“… I don’t think it’s just friends dude,” Tyler says looking over your shoulder.

“What-“ you start

“Pretend I made a hilarious joke, touch my arm, and then glance over there,” he says gesturing to his right.

“What are you-“

“Do it, trust.”

You fake an exaggerated laugh and grab Tyler’s arm leaning closer to him for a second, then you give it a beat then nonchalantly glance over your shoulder and see Schlatt looking over. He’s not hiding his expression at all now. He’s pissed.

“See what I mean,” Tyler says leaning in.

You do see, but you still can’t believe it.

“I don’t know, he just, looks like that. He’s not huge on crowds.” you respond after a minute.

“Well whatever the reason, he better nut up or shut up. Otherwise someone else will,” he says with a wink then gets up and walks away.

You sit there for another minute or two in deep contemplation. Nut up or shut up.

The music changes to a slow song. you recognize the opening of the song. You jump up out of your seat, looking for around the room. You see Schlatt jokingly threatening someone with a pocket knife and rush towards him.

“Dance with me.”

“Wha-“ he starts

“Don’t fight me, let’s go bitch.” You grab his arm and pull him toward the floor.

“Y/N, I don’t dance. I can’t dance.”

“It’s the song from Click, we have to,” you say chuckling. Couples make their way to the floor and start to embrace while “Linger” by the Cranberries starts to play. At first Schlatt was incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. You place his hand on your hip and take his other in your hand and begin to lead. He loosens up when he sees you’re being silly about the whole thing. You do a shitty Adam Sandler impression that makes him cringe. He begins to pretend like you’re middle schoolers at a dance and keeps you as far away as he can as you uncontrollably laugh.

Then why are you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you? But I’m in so deep

When you stop laughing he pulls you in and dips you in a dramatic fashion making you laugh all over again. When he brings you back up he keeps you held close to him and you get into a rhythm.

“What were you and Tyler talking about?”

You know I’m such fool for you, you got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to let it linger?

“He was asking me girl advice,” you respond quickly.

“Oh?”

“Yeah he has a crush on this girl and doesn’t know what to do about it,” you say glancing around the floor.

“What did you tell him to do?”

“I told him to nut up or shut up otherwise someone else might,” I say looking him in directly in the eyes now, almost daring him.

Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?

As the song ends you guys stop dancing but make no move to separate. A moment feels like a lifetime as you study his face this close. His lips, his nose, his brows semi-furrowed. The way his hair curls on top of his head.

“I need air, do you need air?” He asks. You nod and you guys move towards the door to the garden.

———

Outside is still warm but there’s a slight breeze. The moon is already high in the sky. The nighttime beasts make noises and the party rages on inside. You were starting to feel very overwhelmed inside. As much as you loved these people, you’re not a huge partier.

“God it’s gorgeous out here,” you say. “Are your ears ringing? Mine are ringing,” you laugh taking a deep breath. Schlatt doesn’t respond.

You turn to face him as he stares at you. You stare back at him as he unashamedly drinks you in. You suddenly feel exposed to him. The light out here bathing you and making you feel like you’re in a spotlight again. The outside air is a stark contrast to the stuffy dance floor you came from, it gives you goosebumps. You shiver a little as you shift uncomfortably. He slowly moves to close the distance between you.

“You look incredible,” he starts. “And your voice is so incredible. You look stunning in that dress. I can’t stand you.”

“Wha- You can’t stand me?” You’re genuinely shocked at his words. He spoke with a matter of fact tone. His eyes shifting wildly to every inch of your face.

“I can’t stand watching you like that all day. The way you effortlessly charm people. Unashamed, effortless, charismatic. You’re just. Astonishing,” he finishes and before you can respond he puts his hands on either side of your face and kisses you deeply on the lips.

You melt in his embrace. What is in reality only seconds feels like the culmination of years of tension being snapped. Years of uncertainty and personal turmoil all washed away. He splits from the kiss and looks at your face, a mixture of shock and pure elation spreading across it. You pull him back for a second deeper kiss. Needier and heavier this time. You hunger, suddenly starving. No amount of contact right now could be enough. You put your arms around his neck running a hand through his hair as he moves his arms around your torso pulling you closer. As His hands slide up your bare back you let out a soft moan from his warm touch. He stiffens at the sound.

After a minute or two you pull away for air looking at him, “About time,” you breathe out, smirking.

“Shut up,” he says, kissing you again.

After another eternity of learning and exploring each other you separate, remaining in each other’s arms. Just smiling at each other like idiots. You put your hand on his cheeks feeling his facial hair. You run your thumb across his bottom lip and shiver. You can’t help but just touch him. After all this time and yearning to be this close you couldn’t contain it anymore.

“You wanna get out of here?” He asks breathlessly.

“Absolutely.”

———-

#schlatt x reader #schlatt #jschaltt #jschlatt fanfic

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moonshynecybin · 3 months ago

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Hi, new to motogp and i’m a sucker for friends to enemies to lovers and relationships drama and pain so obviously i love marc/vale, i am also think marc is fascinating, but I haven’t found much info detailed info vale’s smear campaign against him/his media savvyness/his entire personality, like i think i grasp the bare bones but, are there any tumblr essay that are required reading to you? Also any good posts about this arm injury (aside for the documentary that i will be watching this weekend)

i love arm. ummmm his documentary is pretty much the story. like the central conceit/plot of the whole damn thing is to chart this latest operation on the injury he sustained in jerez 2020 its GONNA give you most of the information on that. now, that being said. marc is a liar sometimes, so i'm gonna try and gather some resources that might give a better idea on where his arm is NOW, because its something he kind of contradicts himself about !

simon patterson interview with The Race podcast: shockingly candid tbh. i think lil homie was having a bit of a crisis. standing on the edge of a cliff facing down possibly the end of his career. what if the move to gresini sucks ass kinda moment. couching his chances this year pretty aggressively. he ALSO says some stuff about how fucked up his arm still is that hes since tried to mildly walk back cuz hes funny. anyways because im insane i transcribed it:

SP: Did you have to switch teams this season? Did you have to change to something that gave you more of a chance to win after the last few years after how difficult everything has been? MM: Yeah, of course if I change teams its because it was something that I need. And yeah, of course it was a risky movement, but at the same time it was a movement thinking on my career, not on results in a short time. Its like thinking if I have the motivation, if I’m competitive again. You know, I had— three years ago, four years ago I had a very big injury, a hard injury in the arm. And yeah, now its working well, but still is not— I mean its the arm that you open four times. If you ask to a doctor, of course its performing in a good way, but its not the same arm. But I have many question marks inside my head. So, the best way to answer to myself is— do what I want. And yeah, its a risky movement. Why? Because the comfortable movement is to stay where I was, with my people, with my friends, with a big salary, the project. But I decided to jump to a new project and at the moment we will see if I can answer the many questions that I have. SP: It sounds like the reason you did it, the questions you have to answer are all for yourself. It's not about– MM: No, no no no– it's just for me. Because for me— I say many times in my interviews— if I don't feel competitive– and competitive doesn't mean win or win, it means be in that top five top six, and yeah five four podiums, five four victories. Win a championship is super difficult. And especially it becomes more and more difficult when the years are passing and the younger [people] are coming. So the life is the life and every athlete has his moment, and then step by step it goes down. But yeah I need to feel again competitive to continue with my career. Especially these last four years, has been, I mean– has been a nightmare, but is like it has passed super quick. The other years I was competing. I mean in the last four years I’ve completed half the championship, because I had many injuries, so now I need to find this stability, this pace. To start to create again a good base to fight for some races to the top positions— this is my intention. But to fight for the championship? This is something that still I’m not ready for. SP: You said that you learned a lot, during all of this. Is there things that have made you better? Are there things that youre gonna come back now with like new skills because of the experience? MM: No. I will not be better than before. Because– Yeah, maybe I have more experience, but before I was 100% in physical condition, and I was fresh. People say ‘No, he will come back stronger.’ When you have an injury, of course it's— injury is an injury. When you have an injury like two, three years, you lose the rhythm, you lose the feeling sometimes. And then it's super difficult to repeat all those things. But especially because your body— I mean they say the body is super smart, it can adapt. The body is super smart to adapt to new things, but it also is smart to remember what’s going on there. So yeah. I will be different, maybe— but not better.

theres also this similar quote from jan 2023:

theres also this recent statement from mat oxley talking about his arm and his sort of. show no weakness when it can be used against you philosophy

SO. following with that observation. he's started also kinda. being more noncommittal and vague in interviews/presscons now that he senses blood in the water. show no weakness expose no underbelly type stuff. so theres this in preseason which is actually around the same time as the patterson interview where he's still couching it a bit but hes also very adamant that his arm is working:

and then the BIG change comes around mugello this year, when he was fishing HARD for that ducati 2025 seat and changed his tune uh. QUITE a bit:

finally just some posts psychoanalyzing his ass about arm/injury, MOST of which are fairly recent. here, here, here, here, here, and here. ive also aggregated some recs for content good for learning about him in general here! go with god

#as for the rest of it. kind of a big ask i would recommend just goin through my marc tag and vegging outtttt #but in the meantime as meredith brooks says: hes a bitch hes a lover hes a child hes a mother #callie speaks #motogp #marc marquez #him and vale both use the press as this fun little tool akjsdfl

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respectthepetty · 5 months ago

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Your post about being happy that there are so many queer media to watch nowadays, even the bad ones is just spot on. I live in a homophobic country and I'm still in the closet at 25. so imagine growing up, discovering yourself, being so afraid and then have all the queer content you find end with the characters dying, being laughed at, or reduced to harmful stereotypes. because what did that mean for silly young closeted me?

But now?

Now I'm thriving, i get to experience queer love, queer joy, even queer dumbassery lmao. These reminders, despite still feeling stuck, constantly show me how other queer people are moving forward and living their lives—and it's beautiful, even the trashy ones (which always are the most fun to watch)

So thank you for your post. It’s a reminder that our stories matter, no matter how imperfect!

Anon, although I live in the United States, I have always lived in a super conservative county where the town clerk refuses to issue marriage licenses to queer couples (and sometimes people of color depending on the day). We have billboards coming into town telling everyone they are going to hell and compared to all my friends in bigger cities who had to wait for the COVID vaccine, I got mine in 2020 when they were mostly only available to medical staff because the medical staff at our hospital refused to get it because Trump told them not to or some shit, so the local pharmacy begged anyone to get the shot before they expired. For a long time, my town refused to let cable or internet companies come in because then we would be exposed to sinful media.

But I ain't moving!

So although I haven't lived your experience, I feel ya.

Which is why I love all the discourse about QLs. If someone loves a show, I want to see why. If someone hates a show, I want to hear all about it. Because for so long, I had NOTHING! I was looking at the bible in Catholic school like . . . "Judas, you could've just told Jesus you wanted him instead of doing all this" *sign of the cross* and we all know how that ended for both of them.

Now, I'm trying to figure out where to find the time to watch all that is being offered to me! I can be picky now! I can dislike a show without feeling like ALL queer content will be taken away from me. I can get characters giving hand jobs, rim jobs, and blow jobs without having to pay-for-view at 1 am praying that the volume stays low.

I have watched some of the worst imaginable queer content, and I have watched queer porn with a plot which has smacked, and not just literally *wink*. I have watched so many queers be buried in ways that people cannot even begin to fathom. I have seen more than my fair share of queer media, and I can say without a doubt that these BLs are giving us some of the best variety of queers I have ever seen, and regardless if they are true to the queer experience (Dinosaur Love, I'm looking at your wild ass), two men holding hands is really fucking queer to these homophobes regardless of the plot. Two men cuddling in bed is super queer to these homophobes regardless of how aligned it is with the queer experience. Two women kissing is giving a homophobe a heart attack right now!

Century of Love had homophobic crew members. Those people got a paycheck for filming a BL while tweeting homophobic comments. Homophobia doesn't magically go away because we have queer content, which is a truth you and I know, but it gives me tiny pleasure knowing that 1) the show is airing on a popular-ish Thai channel in a prime-time slot, and 2) homophobes had to film two men kissing, multiple times. If we can't beat (the fuck out of) them, at least we made them feel super uncomfortable for even a teeny tiny bit.

And that's the other half of this - Not only do we get to consume all of this, but others are being exposed to it. These shows are airing in their countries ON TV. These actors are being shown in ads on TV and doing spreads for magazines. So while my town has billboards telling us to seek Jesus or perish in the fires of hell, Apo and Mile are eating Lay's on a billboard somewhere in Thailand.

Because this isn't just about the queers watching but about the homophobes and even the in-betweens witnessing it.

Give me all the trashy series (Dinosaur Love, still looking at you)! Give me the series that have absolutely no plot except two boys holding hands. GIVE ME EVERYTHING! Because no matter what I get, I guarantee it is pissing off some grandpappy somewhere, and that's really the queer experience; pissing people off for not only existing, but having the audacity to thrive despite it all.

So thrive, QL Land, THRIVE!

#ql land #bl land #give me everything #and when I mean everything‚ I mean EVERYTHING #give me the worst and the best and the in between #because we deserve it #some people need to be exposed to this in a palatable way #and some people want it shoved in their face (ME!)#but I want it all!

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choicesficwriterscreations · 26 days ago

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December Creator of the Month: Coffeeheartaddict2

Please welcome this month’s Creator of the Month: @coffeeheartaddict2

Each month, CFWC highlights one of our talented fanfic writers or artists. The writer or artist is selected at random. More info can be found on the navigation page. Past COTMs can be found here.

Tumblr Blog Name: Coffeeheartaddict2

How do you want to be known on Tumblr? Tash

Quick Links:

Tumblr Blog

Masterlist

1- When did you start playing Choices? What was the first book you played?

2020, pandemic. I saw the ad somewhere, so I downloaded it. The first book was The Royal Romance.

2- When and why did you join Choices fandom?

2021, so three nearly 4 years. Fell into it when I created my Tumblr as an outlet to post my work. Writing was literally a way of getting some thoughts out, and it grew from there.

3- How did you pick your blog name?

I am as much of a coffee snob as our favourite pixelated doctor. When I created my blog, I only wrote for Open Heart and put the word addict in. I have the 2there as I had some issues with my original blog, and I had to create a second, so I added the 2 so people knew it was me.

4- Pull up the first post in your archive, and tell us about it!

So this was my first work. I thought about how the Leland storyline could have played out and went with it. It was initially a one-shot.

5- Do you write fanfiction, create fan art, or are you one of those really gifted people who do both?

I write. I can draw but not what one would classify as well enough.

6- How long have you been creating for Choices and for any other fandoms?

I started writing in 2020 and just kept going. I did a few one-shots, and then I felt a little empty at the end of book 2. Well, I decided to rewrite it, and that set the beginning of what I dubbed Tashland.

7- What is your favorite Choices book, and what is your favorite Choices book to create for?

Well, Open Heart, obviously. I enjoyed The Royal Romance and Crimes of Passion.

8- Share your first Choices fanfic or fan art that you posted with us. Do you still like it, or would you change it if you were creating it today?

I cannot remember the first one I posted with CFWC, nor can I remember exactly when, but I think it was part one of When Egos Collide.

I do like it. I spent a few chapters setting up Leland and his over all plan, putting in the seeds of Tobias coming across to Edenbrook and where Ethan was at. Do I want to go back and tidy up a few bits? Most definitely, but overall, I would not change too much.

Link to part one.

9- What is your favorite piece of fiction or art that you created?

I will cheat and do a series (or 2).

The first series is When Egos Collide, aka what ended up being a rewrite of book 3. I had started it before book three dropped, so I was going to use some plot points if it worked in my narrative. Well, what bones of a decent story were given fit in well. The whole premise was doing bad for good vs. doing good for bad and what or who would win out and the fallout. I was proud of it, and it is what brought me into the fandom more.

Link to series.

The second was Everybody Hurts Sometimes. Not only a good song by REM. A fellow fandom member received an ask about what she would think happened if Ethan did not talk to Louise and she died. I then brewed a plot in my head and this person was fine with me commandeering the ask, and that series was born.

The series can be found here.

10- Do you have a fic/art that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was? What about one you expected to do well but found it could use a little more love?

I eventually rewrote my 14-20 of book two rewrite. I was fairly happy with the basic plot, but as time went on, I felt that it lacked depth, especially since I had written so much in and around the timeline that was not in the original series. I am always happy if anyone reads or comments at the end of the day.

11- If you could write only angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Angst with a happy end with a side of smut, lol. Angst sometimes seems more real and relatable, and I enjoy writing it. I like to give happy endings, especially as some of my angst can be pretty intense, and we all need a little smut in our lives.

12- Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MCs or in your writing?

My MC likes to cope with bad things by throwing herself into work, which I do, or I distract myself.

13- What element of writing/art do you struggle with most?

I know some of you will disagree with me, but fluff. I find it the hardest to write.

14- Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?

I feel like I have been neglecting writing in general at the moment. The joys of young children.

15- If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to see your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you show them first?

Yes, I would. I would probably start them with my book 2 ch14-20 rewrite, as that sets up my world. Then, I would let them decide on what to do next. I do have book 1 works, but I think they will work better if read after my book 2 ch 14-20 rewrite.

16- Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing or art? Are there any artists that influence you?

I have a diverse reading taste (says she, who is currently reading Harry Potter with my daughter). I would not say that what I have read outside the fandom influences me (unless I did an Outlander AU). I would not say influence, but certainly most encouraging have been @jerzwriter, @cariantha, @jamespotterthefirst and @liaromancewriter, among others.

17- Which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series?

Everybody Hurts Sometimes and When Egos Collide would make good series.

18- Do you write original fiction or create non-fandom art?

No, I do not.

19- What other hobbies do you have?

Baking. I like baking cakes and biscuits. I tried my hand at fudge, and it worked despite putting the chocolate in too early. I do not have a lot of free time.

#cfwc creator of the month #playchoices #pixelberry #open heart #creator of the month #choices fic writers creations #coffeeheartaddict2

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akookminsupporter · 5 months ago

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ARE YOU SURE?!: FIRST EPISODE.

MY IMPRESSIONS.

I want to preface this by saying that this is not an analysis post, and honestly, I don’t want to overanalyse their interactions—everything they said and did. Many others are doing that. My intention with this post is to share my thoughts on the episodes, my impressions, and perhaps my conclusions.

I’m writing this while watching the episodes for the second time.

So, Jimin was really the one who came up with the idea for the show and the one who got it started, while Jungkook just went with the flow. That’s so them, isn’t it? It reminds me a bit of Malta, not just what they did but also what Hobi and Joon said at the time.

The first episode is interesting for several reasons. The most obvious, I think, is the initial dynamic between Jimin and Jungkook. I feel there were things we obviously didn’t know, but at the beginning of the episode, there was a certain… pettiness? in their interactions. At times, they were a bit passive-aggressive with each other, but not in a malicious way. However, when they said something, they would look at each other as if to imply there was more going on than we could see or know.

Many in the fandom always say that Jimin and Yoongi bicker like an old married couple, but Jimin and Jungkook do it too, and this episode was a perfect example of that. Jimin and Jungkook are very similar, and that means they know which buttons to push to annoy each other, which seems to be the intention of both, especially Jimin’s. Jungkook is a bit calmer and tends to react when Jimin is being a bit more bratty than usual.

The start of the episode also confirmed something we already knew and that was obvious last year: Jimin was busy for a while and Jungkook wasn’t, then Jungkook was busy for a while and Jimin wasn’t, and it didn’t fit into their schedules. And I don’t know, but Jungkook sounded a bit bitter talking about it ajajajajajaj. It makes sense if we remember all the times Jungkook mentioned Jimin in his Wlives and invited him to do things.

At the beginning of the episode, we also saw that slight awkwardness Jimin and Jungkook sometimes feel when it’s just the two of them in front of a camera. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just that they seem to be so on guard that they don’t know how to act. This reminded me a lot of the Vlive they did in 2020.

As the episode progressed, they became more comfortable, but they continued bickering like an old married couple, which is very much Jimin and Jungkook. From what I’ve seen, that has surprised some fans. In my opinion, Jimin and Jungkook have always been like this; the difference is that this time it’s just the two of them, so it’s more obvious.

Jungkook saying that he and Jimin should buy the same clothes doesn’t help the allegations that they like to dress alike or at least coordinate their outfits, haha.

Jimin and Jungkook boxing out of nowhere at the checkout is peak Jikook, but something that hasn’t changed, and which we saw in both episodes, is how gentle they are with each other. Even when they were pretending to “fight,” there was always a certain tenderness in the way they touched each other. It reminded me of those times when Jungkook would playfully hit Jimin but would do it so carefully that it ended up being cute. Remember when during an ISAC, Jungkook hit Jimin with an ARMY Bomb and immediately hit himself to confirm that the ARMY Bomb hadn’t hurt Jimin too much? Well, something like that happened during these episodes. Jungkook, in particular, is always super careful when it comes to Jimin—except when he’s asleep, I guess, haha.

There were definitely moments when they said or did something that was an inside joke or something only they understood. For example, when they were at the brewery, Jimin started laughing, and Jungkook told him not to laugh alone. I’m not sure if that was because of the interaction just seconds before or what, but it happened several times in the first episode, in particular.

So, was bickering their new thing at that time? Okay, haha.

Jungkook falling off the kayak, Jimin laughing, and the staff running to help him, while Jungkook was only concerned about his phone, is peak comedy, haha. Jungkook being salty because he fell and Jimin didn’t, and wanting Jimin to fall off the kayak or knock him over, is too funny and very Jungkook. I think that fall bruised his ego a bit; he’s the cool and athletic guy—things like that don’t happen to him! Haha.

Jimin saying he had to be careful preparing the ramyeon because he knew how particular Jungkook is about it is just too cute.

It’s funny that Jungkook was complaining at the beginning of the trip about his bad luck with water and his sore throat, but Jimin ended up with stomach issues, his meat falling on the ground, being bitten by mosquitoes, and getting hit by Jungkook’s shoe, haha.

Why does stuff like this always happen to these guys when they do these kinds of shows? One loses his passport, another gets lost, another can’t travel with the others, and now someone gets a stomach bug, haha.

I demand to see a clip of them sleeping in that cabin. I refuse to believe those cameras didn’t have night vision or whatever it’s called and didn’t capture what happened. I hope some of that is in the behind-the-scenes footage because Jimin and Jungkook made a big deal of it in the last Wlive they did with Joon and Tae.

Also, I know the bed wasn’t very big, but how close was Jimin to Jungkook that he elbowed him right in the nose? I need answers; I need the recordings of that moment!

Honestly, I’m not sure if all of this makes sense, but I don’t want to change it because I wrote it all while watching the episode, and I don’t want to “perfect” it.

My conclusion about the first episode:

Jimin and Jungkook were very much themselves at the beginning: awkward, sassy, shy, and with a lot of complicity that could be interpreted differently. From what I saw, many understood it differently. I don’t know, maybe I’m the one who’s wrong. The only difference or more obvious thing is that Jimin and Jungkook tend to bicker quite a lot, with Jimin almost always being the instigator. I suppose he still likes being scolded by Jungkook.

The first episode was perfect for them to get into the flow of their dynamic. As they said, they hadn’t travelled together or seen each other for a bit, although I imagine they meant they hadn’t spent so much time together, maybe alone. 2023 was a year when their schedules didn’t align for various reasons, until July.

In the first episode, I saw the same Jimin and Jungkook as always, a bit more independent and sassy, but nothing really new. Their dynamic is the same but different.

I hope all this makes sense, and if not, well, I’m sorry. Remember that English is not my first language, haha.

I think I’ll do this for all the episodes; I’ll definitely do it for the second one.

#jkk show #jikook show #rosie's thoughts

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writingonleaves · 8 months ago

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were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? (did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?) - jeremy swayman

pairing: jeremy swayman x original female character

warnings: swearing, pretty angsty. hopeful ish ending because i can't do sad endings, very personal but i think many can relate in their own way, cliche ish, barely proofread

inspired by + title: "the smallest man who ever lived" by taylor swift

word count: 5.6k

author's note: i'd argue almost every piece any author writes is personal, because it has their life interspersed through the words. but this one really is, because a majority of this is the exact same words i wrote years ago after a break-up. heard the bridge to this song and immediately knew i had to write something inspired by it. also trying a new format of sorts (maybe a bit meta??), so i hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!!

~*~*~

When Noelle Betsko walked away from Jeremy Swayman, holding back tears until the call dropped, she knew it was going to be a tough time for the foreseeable future.

It didn’t matter that the pandemic had forced them apart. She knew she would still feel him for months to come.

She did the only thing she knows how to do when trying to deal with things. The one thing she always resorts to as an aspiring novelist. Sometimes on her laptop when the words were spilling out too quickly for her brain to catch up, tears littering the keyboard. Usually in her old beat-up journal, scribbling in the cursive that Jeremy claimed he always loved (“It makes your handwriting unique”) with the pens he had gifted her just a few months prior.

At the age of 21, Noelle got her heart broken for the first time. At the age of 26, she’s about to publish her first poetry collection of sorts, all of the poems modeled after journal entries written throughout her life. So not really poetry, though her mother would say otherwise.

She swallows as she thumbs through the middle part of the first known and binded copy of “miscellaneous.” There are only eight entries in the whole collection that are taken verbatim from her past writing. These are the eight.

May 13, 2020 (three days post-breakup, crying in my childhood bedroom)

I don’t even recognize who I was and who you were in those writings before these pages filled with love and hope and happiness. I can’t even summon up those feelings anymore that I knew existed at one point. Those feelings of complete bliss and love for someone so deep you can’t explain it.

I’m mad at myself for not being able to conjure those feelings, because at one point, I did love you. How could something that was part of my daily life for over two years just disappear so quickly?

But now, I’m not mad at myself. I’m mad, but I don’t know where to direct that anger to. I feel a bit empty sometimes, but then frustrated the next. Sometimes I get sad, but not so much compared to the other feelings. I spent enough time being sad during our relationship.

When we broke up, on an annoyingly beautiful Tuesday in May — over the damn phone, mind you, which whatever, it’s COVID. Fine — You told me you felt like you had been putting more effort into us.

At the time, I didn’t react, but I’ve been thinking about how angry that statement made me. Makes me, actually. I was always very open with how much I gave to that relationship. How much it meant to me. How much it affected me. But I understand that with some people, sharing everything too much equates to things not meaning anything anymore. But you out of all people should’ve known that I mean everything I say.

I felt like I gave so much. I know I gave so much. When I told you I loved you, I always meant it. Every single time. When I told you I missed you, I always meant it. I wished you were right next to me at that moment. I mentally gave so much, because to me, I wanted to. You were always on my mind, always high up on my list of priorities. I never took us for granted.

I’ve been questioning if that was the same for you. Did you start becoming complacent?

The second thing you said that day that hasn’t left my head is that you knew me pretty well. And initially, I remember not thinking much of it. So I don’t doubt that; you always knew right when I was about to cry, even over the phone. You often knew when I was mad or upset, but when I look back now, you never pushed. Which is a good thing, to an extent. But it was a bad thing sometimes too. I knew you often wanted to give me space, but sometimes I didn’t want space. I wanted you to push. To try to understand. Maybe that’s unfair of me; it probably is. I should just say I want to talk about it more, right?

But if you genuinely knew me, you would’ve known.

After two years, seven months and 12 days, I still feel like I didn’t know you. Did I ever know you at all?

When people talked shit about you, I always defended you. And I still would defend you now. But lately, I've questioned what I’m even defending. All those good qualities that I thought you had, were they even real? Of course, I know some of them were, to a certain extent. But as I look back on us, there’s a lot of doubt about whether I even knew the person I called my boyfriend for so long. I know there was a point where you cared about me, but I can’t remember when.

I often felt like I was letting you know so much about my life, but you didn’t do the same. I get that sometimes a person just wants to forget about the bad and focus on the good with a person you like for awhile. I get that. But once that was happening every damn time? That should’ve been a red flag.

June 7, 2020 (twenty eight days post break-up, outside my childhood room on the deck)

I don’t understand how you can give so much to something or someone and have it not be recognized or appreciated or enough. If I wasn’t enough for you, how will I be enough for anyone?

I hope one day you’ll truly understand how much this hurt. Not just the breakup, but feeling like I was always being pulled in a direction I didn’t always want to be pulled in. Feeling I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and never ever being able to win. I hate that I settled so much in the last year. Because I should’ve demanded more, even though deep down I knew you were never going to be able to give it to me.

I think back to our past daily texts, and I just don’t get it. At one point, we both meant the things we said to each other.

Yet we still hurt each other.

This fucking hurts.

You’ve hurt me so much, but most of it wasn’t intentional, which I think is somewhat even worse. Because I’m not totally mad at you for causing the pain. You never did anything outright to cause me pain, but I still feel like you did.

Unintentional pain almost stings more than intentional.

When I asked you out that night after we were both on an emotional high, I took a chance. For once in my life, I took the leap, knowing that I could get humiliated or hurt or just straight up shot down.

Where did it all go wrong? Or, more realistically, how did we think that we could go through the wrong when it was there at the start?

I’m trying not to blame myself too much. Trying not to tell myself that I should’ve known better.

All those times, especially at the start, when I would ask you if you genuinely liked me, you always thought I was just trying to be annoying. But you never understood that I genuinely thought that way. My self confidence from the start was lacking, and you didn’t try to understand that, because I come across to everyone as confident and self-assured.

It hurt, when you would brush things off like that. I felt like you didn’t care.

And then, it got to the point where I stopped asking that question. Part of that is because I did become more confident and you did show that you cared, and part of that was because I knew it would piss you off.

The amount of things I was scared to talk about with you because I knew it would piss you off? I don’t wish that feeling on anybody.

I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have been uncomfortable. But I was. And if you did notice like sometimes you claimed to, why didn’t you make it more comfortable for me? Was that too much to ask for?

So larger than life that at the end, you faded into just the smallest man who ever lived. Fuck you.

Was it too much to ask for when I just wanted to know why you were upset? You didn’t have to ever tell me the full story (lord knows there were times I didn’t), but was it too much to ask for something? You told me once that I’m the person you’ve told the most to. How? You barely told me anything. And when I wanted to talk to you, whether it was about growing up in Alaska or why you were in a bad mood last night, you always brushed it off. Always.

So I don’t feel so bad about feeling like I gave more effort. I gave so much of myself to you. If you really cared about me like you claimed you did, why couldn’t you show even just 1% of that care back? Or just meet me in the middle?

I could’ve tried harder to meet you in the middle, I’ll admit that. But you didn’t even give me a map or a clue how to.

I felt so fucking left in the dark. I felt left in the dark about my own fucking relationship, something that I should be completely sure about. If you really love someone and care about them, how can you leave them in the dark? How could you not even see that I was struggling to find a flashlight?

You did care about me. I know that. To some extent and at some point in time, you did care about me. But caring about someone and their well-being isn’t always enough.

Why couldn’t you have worked with me? When I was extending my hand out, why didn’t you reach for it? How can someone just be so blind? I mean, I’m practically always spelling it out for you.

Maybe I am being selfish. But fuck, I just wanted to be happy. At some point, you made me happy. When did I start making you feel like I wasn’t enough? Why wasn’t I enough for you?

It’s useless, in a way, to keep going about this. Because I know I deserve better. And we’ll both find people who are better for us. We just couldn’t be that person to each other.

I fucking loved you.

I wish it ended differently.

July 8, 2020 (fifty nine days post-breakup, in front of the lake)

I really really fucking miss you.

I do.

I miss being able to text you that i love you and not necessarily expecting a response until the next morning. I miss knowing that as soon as you wake up, you’ll text me back and assure me that yeah, you love me too.

I’m left feeling bittersweet as I look back on memories that are just splashes and not definite strokes on the canvas that used to be us.

I miss having you as a friend.

I’ve been having more urges lately to want to text you. And it isn’t even anything important. Just moments I experience throughout the day.

Do you get the urge to do the same?

July 19, 2020 (seventy days post-breakup, still in the same damn house)

It’s hard. It really is. And it kinda just hits you at random parts of the day. Sometimes I wake up from a dream that you were in and have to remind myself that it didn’t happen.

Sometimes it physically aches when I realize that you won’t ever help me put on my jacket again, or complain that my hair is in your face when we’re lying on the couch watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, or groan when I drag you up to dance with me (which you never improved on, no matter how many times I tried to teach you basic rhythm). I can’t view our song the same way anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

The other day, I read some simple thing on Twitter. I don’t even remember what it was, but I do remember that for a split second, I could see your smile in my mind. But it wasn’t just any smile. It was the smile you gave me when you took me ice skating that first time. I remember asking you what you were smiling at, and you said that you just were taking in this moment. I don’t know if you took a mental picture that day, but I know I did. That day seems so long ago now.

In almost anything I do, you somehow pop into my mind or into the conversation. And it’s not even in a harmful way either. It’s because you were part of my life for so long. I see a dog on the street, and it reminds me of how you always stopped to pet every single one we’s see I write something in my messy handwriting, and I remember how you always used to complain that you couldn’t read the notes I’d occasionally leave around your place when you went away. I went to the doctor’s the other day, and they said I was 5 feet and 3 inches, which is just definitely not true, and I almost reached for my phone to text you, because you would’ve cackled and insisted that no, I’m 5 feet 2 inches and it wouldn’t even matter because I’ll always be shorter than you. It’s simple and minute things that make me miss you that much more.

I still can’t listen to some songs the same way anymore, but I can at least listen to them now, which is a feat in itself. I was unpacking from college and found the teddy bear you sent me the first extended time we had to be apart and had to immediately put that out of my sight. From those boxes also came photos that I had decorated my dorm room with, and to be honest, I’m glad now that I let you keep our best one. I deal with all my emotions, besides writing, by making Spotify playlists, and I made a new one earlier this week. I think it’s helping. It’s a slow process, this whole moving on thing, but it’s one that I’m trying to be grateful for, because like most things in life, you just don’t truly know until you go through it.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how you are and how you’re healing. But, even though we’ve both changed since the day we met, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re incredibly strong and stubborn. I hope that you’re finding some growth in this process too.

October 17, 2020 (one hundred fifty seven days post-break up, apartment in orono)

It’s been almost 5 months, and you still cross my mind everyday.

Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why didn’t you fucking tell me what you were thinking? Why was I the one who had to approach you just because I was just so done with the silent treatment?

But I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. The mad phase passed ages ago.

Closure is a fake word. Even a breakup as mutual and smooth as ours was still left me with so many questions that will probably never be answered.

Any breakup fucks you up to some extent. I knew it was going to mess me up even back when we were together. But not like this. Never like this.

But like anything in life, I guess you can never really prepare for what you think you might feel, because most of the time, you discover a whole new side of you that you never thought existed.

I don’t miss you. I don’t. I don’t feel that love in any way anymore.

But I did once.

You did too, right?

November 15, 2020 (one hundred eighty six days post break-up, fogler library)

I hate Halloween.

Though, it did bring me to you three years ago. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you right then and there.

Three years later, you texted me on Halloween, five months after our breakup. The universe really, really wanted to fuck with me.

It was a tough night for you. I knew that. Because I know how you are after losing a game you should’ve won. But that didn’t mean that I owed you anything and had to respond.

We agreed on no contact if we ever wanted to stay friends. Clearly, friends is out of the picture now, but come on. A vulnerable text after a bad night because you know I would feel bad for you?

Fuck, you know how much I would hate that. You had to have known.

Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean that everything about you just disappears. I still know your tendencies. I still know exactly how my head burrows into your chest during a hug. I still know the actions I used to do that would be followed by you attacking me with a hug. I still could point you out in a crowd.

I looked for you in every crowd for years.

That stuff doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I want it to. But fuck. Fuck. Why did you text me?

I don’t regret how I handled it. I probably would’ve responded months ago. But just like you, I’ve grown these last couple of months.

It was comforting, for a split second, to know that maybe, just maybe, these past couple of months have been hard for you too. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

I’m glad you texted me. You gave me another level of closure I hadn’t known that I needed until then.

But fuck, dude. You know me better than that. You should know me better than that.

I hate Halloween.

November 26, 2020 (one hundred ninety seven days, at the coffee shop i brought you to when you came home with me two years ago)

I don’t regret loving you, but I hate you for what you did to me.

Or maybe not.

I hate knowing that even though we haven’t been in a relationship in a bit, it feels like sometimes, you’re on my mind the exact same amount when we were dating. I hate knowing that I gave so much of myself and my love to you, and it always felt unrecognized.

Fuck, will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to have to stop myself from thinking about you? Will it ever stop?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy it.

June 12, 2021 (three hundred ninety five days post-break up, in boston, visiting a friend)

Tonight, when a friend asked me about you and how I felt about how we ended, I was able to articulate my thoughts clearly. I’m really proud of myself for getting to a point where I can take the lessons I learned the few months after we broke up and acknowledge them in a succinct way without breaking down into tears. Just watery eyes and the occasional voice crack

I’m also proud that I can say that when we were dating, I lost a bit of myself. For months, it was really hard to admit out loud.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, I wish I could call or text you about it, because I think you’d be proud too. And I know I’d be proud of you. I am, to be honest. I do break resolve once in awhile and check on you through various avenues.

I still haven’t seen you in person since the last time COVID made us say goodbye. Maybe I never will again. But day by day, I’m starting to accept that and be okay with it. I’m accepting that memories that used to be so painted in my mind are blurry or almost completely erased now. But that’s okay. Honestly, it’s probably for the best.

I wonder, when you think about it, if you think about different moments that I do. That’s the thing when something ends. You have to be okay with letting go of those moments and realizing that just because you forget them, doesn’t mean they weren’t important.

I don’t think I miss you. I hesitate in saying that. Because I’ve moved on and handled the aftermath of it better than I think both of us ever thought I could. When you hung up the phone for the last time, I proved to myself again that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I think we all are. But we don’t realize it until we’re thrown into a situation that we think we’ll never be able to overcome.

But we do. Whether it’s because we’re forced to because there’s no other option, it doesn’t matter. Because we get through. We move on.

I hope you're moving on.

And then it goes into other topics, graduating during a pandemic specifically and losing what’s supposed to be your last year of no responsibilities before adulthood. There are other poems in here that reference a past relationship, but not as much as these eight.

If there’s one thing that Noelle did change, it was taking out the details. Jeremy may have hurt her, but he doesn’t deserve someone possibly making a connection between these poems and their shared background. She’s not a famous author by any means, but she wanted to be careful.

Not that she makes that part of her life publicly known. People don’t need to know that her brother was Jeremy’s captain for two years at Maine and that’s how they met.

Noelle grew up going to rinks. She hasn’t gone to one since they broke up.

But also, what the fuck? It’s been five years since she’s dated the guy. She really is over it by now, even if his rise to stardom in the Bruins flittering on her social media feeds still sometimes has her swallowing a bit before she can continue with her day.

Brooklyn is far enough from Boston. But sometimes it feels like it’s right outside her door.

She’s proud of her first published work. She really is. People believed in her and after numerous notes swapped back and forth with her editor, she did it. She always knew she wanted to work in publishing. She never knew she herself would publish anything.

And here she is now, two weeks after the book release, in Boston, about to do a q&a and a signing. Apparently, “miscellaneous” has been on top of numerous lists and it’s flying off the shelves. Noelle can’t really believe it and tries not to think about it too much, trusting her agent with all of that.

She’s happy to talk about her work and process though. That she can handle. And she’s grateful for all the love.

After a signing at a local bookstore, she decides to walk the 20 minutes home in the Boston fall. It’s a bit brisk, but she doesn’t mind and she just wanders, belly filled with delicious sushi she inhaled for dinner with an old friend.

Of course it happens the one time during her walk when she doesn’t avoid eye contact with someone. The song playing in her earbuds fade out of her focus and she almost stumbles.

Jeremy’s eyes were always Noelle’s favorite thing about him. She thought she would’ve forgotten what they looked like by now. But clearly she hasn’t.

Her eyes quickly cast to the person next to him. It’s definitely a girl. They’re a bit too far away for Noelle to pick out details. But it’s enough. He’s walking on the side closest to the street. It’s a Friday Night in a bustling part of the city.

It hurts. She wishes it didn’t.

Even from far away, she sees his eyes blink in recognition. Noelle puts her head back down and walks faster.

(She cries in the shower when she gets back to the hotel. She had debated feeling super sorry for herself and going to the hotel bar but refrained)

She has a few free days in Boston before flying back to New York. When she wakes up the next morning, she debates on going home early. But no, she won’t let a three second glance at someone ruin her time here. She used to occasionally come here during her college days. She loves this city.

The city may be Jeremy’s, but she can make space for herself here too.

She takes her time at a cafe, people watching and eating some breakfast. As she takes her coffee to-go, she looks out the window at the bookstore she was in the night before for the signing. She almost drops her coffee.

Jeremy walks into the book store.

Now, Noelle is debating her options. What she should do is continue with her day and walk in the opposite direction. But she’s always been too nosy for her own good. And maybe a bit self destructive. She decides to leave the cafe and cross the street immediately, so impatient to where she’s almost tapping her foot as the pedestrian signal stays red.

As a writer, she’s no stranger to movie moments. The scenes written in books or movies where the timing is too accurate to be real. The situation too good to be true. But after a car speeds through an orange and she can finally walk, she stops in her tracks instead, feet glued down to the sidewalk.

Because Jeremy is right in front of her on the other side of the street. Her book in his hand. And he’s looking right at her.

The first feeling she can recognize in herself is anger. Anger at the way their relationship panned out. Anger at the way they ended. Anger at the radio silence the years following. Anger at him for everything. Angry at herself for everything.

The second feeling is, weirdly, shame, which she’s embarrassed by. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. But she feels it anyways.

The third, and perhaps the most prominent, is emptiness. Five fucking years later, and she’s brought back to the emptiness she felt immediately after they broke up. The emptiness that the person you loved isn’t yours anymore — who maybe wasn’t ever yours to begin with.

Before she can run, he’s already crossed the street to her. He looks naturally different as someone who you haven’t seen in five years would. But he also heartbreakingly looks the same.

“We should get out of people’s way,” Noelle manages to chokes out.

Jeremy laughs a bit. Her heart lurches. “Yeah.” He starts walking and she follows him wordlessly. This is his city after all.

He leads them to a bench under a tree with beautiful fall foliage. She puts at least a foot between them as they both sit down, staring out at the people passing. She can’t take the silence.

“I see you bought my book.”

“I did,” he replies evenly. “Congratulations. I always knew you would do it.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe if she squeezes hard enough she’ll forget when she originally pitched Jeremy the bare bones idea of the exact same book that’s currently in his hand. “Thank you. Congratulations to you too. On everything.”

“You’ve been watching?”

She shakes her head. “No. But, you know Seth and…yeah. It comes up during family calls sometimes.”

“Why didn’t you say hi last night?”

She looks pointedly at a couple walking their dog. “You seemed busy.”

“She wasn’t-that-it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh. Because that makes me feel so much better,” she spits out, before taking a deep breath. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. We broke up ages ago.”

“I’m sorry,” she gives him a look and is slightly proud of how he seems to shrink into himself a bit. “I-I know it’s five years too late. I know I didn’t handle it as well as I should’ve. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

The thing is, Noelle always thought that maybe hearing an apology someday would make her feel better. But now that’s heard it, she’s not sure she does.

She swallows. “I appreciate that.”

“I’ve already read it, you know.”

“Read what?”

Jeremy runs a hand through his hair. “Your book. One of my teammate’s girlfriend recommended it and I asked to borrow it. It’s fantastic,” He looks down at the book in his hand. It’s like the cover is taunting her. “I wanted my own copy.”

“Oh.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me off the hook with the poems I know were about me,” he scoffs, shaking his head at himself. “You could’ve written way worse.”

She can’t help but let out a chuckle. “I thought I was pretty mean.”

“Your definition of ‘pretty mean’ is tame compared to a lot of people,” he says, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the book. “You were always the kindest person, even when you shouldn’t have been..”

He puts his hand out in her direction, the hand with the book in it. She furrows her eyebrows. “What-”

“Could I get a signed copy?”

“Jeremy. What do you want from me?”

He sighs, taking his hand back. “A chance to apologize?”

“You’ve already done that.”

“Not in the way I want to and what you deserve.”

She lets out a sigh, turning to face him fully. “I don’t know if that would be worth my time or yours. I know the book just came out, but that was five years ago. I’m over it. Forgive and forget, right?”

“But do you?” Jeremy counters back. “Clearly, you don’t forget, which I deserve. But forgive?”

“We’re just going in circles now.”

“No we’re not,” he says firmly. “You’re just shutting me down because you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve had five years to prepare what I would say to you if I saw you again. You’re telling me you haven’t?”

“Of course I have,” Noelle tips her head back. “But also, what’s the point?”

“The point, is that I still love you.”

“Fuck you,” she says in a strained voice. “You can’t just-you can’t just throw that shit out there. Fuck you.”

He bites his lip, and to her annoyance, he laughs. But she listens more carefully, and it sounds very self deprecating. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah,” Noelle looks down at her feet. “So…what? You still love me?”

“I do.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“What are you going to let me do?”

“I live in Brooklyn.”

“I know,” she whips her head up. Jeremy looks sheepish, which she didn’t even think was something he knew how to do. “Seth mentioned it when we caught up a bit ago. I also still follow you on Instagram.”

She tries again. “It’s been five years.”

“And I’m here sitting with you and still feel the exact same way I did back then. Even more, to be honest.” He eyes her pointedly. “Any more excuses?”

Her voice softens. “You really hurt me.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry, Noelle.”

“I hurt you too.”

He shrugs. “We were young and stupid.”

“And we’re still not?” Noelle says with a snort before swallowing. “I’m not the same person you fell in love with.”

“I’m sure I’m not either. But I don’t know if there’s a world where I don’t love every version of you.”

“Even after reading the book?”

“Especially after reading the book,” he sighs. “Noelle, I know this is unfair of me. All of this. And I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to reach out. But I always intended to. And then you’re here? And I see you twice in two days? I’d be an idiot to not try. More of an idiot than I am, anyways.”

“Try for what?”

“A second chance? To be friends? Whatever you want.” He suddenly deflates. “Even if you don’t want anything to do with me. At least I’ll know.”

“Why did you never text me?”

“I thought about it a lot,” he admits. “I tried once, actually, after the high of a really good win. But it didn’t go through. I got the message.”

“The message?”

“You blocked me, right?”

Oh. “Yeah,” she lies. “I did.” She reaches into her bag for a pen and gestures for the book, which he gives to her, a curious gleam in his eyes. “I’m in Boston for two more days, including today.”

He takes the hint immediately. Eagerly. “I have a game tonight, but I’m free tomorrow.”

“Who are you guys playing?”

“Toronto. And I’m starting. Should be a good one.”

She hums non-committedly, scribbling on the inside of the front cover. She hands it back to him with a small, close-lipped smile. She nods at him to read the message.

to my first fan,

i still love you too.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

yours,

noelle

He looks up, eyes shining but a bit confused.

“I never blocked you. I just changed my number.”

“Oh.”

“And even if I still love you, I’m still mad at you.”

“I know. I’d be more surprised if you weren’t.”

She stands up, adjusting the bag on her shoulder and putting her sunglasses on. “Text me?”

His mouth splits wide into a grin. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

She backs away with one last attempt at a smile before turning down the street.

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