#it will post sometime before 2020 ends | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

damienns · 2 months ago

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My GIF Making process: Screen capturing using MPV player, Organizing files, 3 Sharpening settings, Basic Coloring PSD + Actions set

This is a very long post so heads up.

I’ll try to be as thorough and true as much as possible to the way I make my gifs (I already use Photoshop Actions which I’ve long since set up but now for this tutorial I’m reviewing them to show you the exact steps I’ve learned to create my gifs 😃) and present them to you in a semi-coherent way. Also, please bear with me since English is my second language.

First things first. Below are the things and tools we need to do this:

Downloaded 4K or 1080p quality videos (let’s all assume we know where to get these—especially for high definition movies and tv series—so this post doesn’t get removed, okay? 😛)

Adobe Photoshop CC or the CS versions can work as well, but full disclosure I haven’t created gifs using the CS versions since 2020. I’m currently using Adobe Photoshop 2024.

mpv player. Use mpv player to get those frames/screenshots or any other video player that has a screen grabber feature. I’ve used adapter for the longest time but I’ve switched to mpv because the press to screenshot feature while the video is playing has been a game changer not to mention ultimate time saver for me. For adapter you need to play it in another video player (like VLC player), to get the start and end timestamps of the scene you want to gif which takes me ages before I can even open Photoshop.

Anyway! Please stop reading this post for a moment and head over to this amazing tutorial by kylos. She perfectly tells you how to install and use mpv player, both for Mac and Windows users.

One thing I have to share though, I had a tough time when I updated my MacOS to Sonoma since MPV is suddenly either duplicating frames or when I delete the duplicates the player seems to be skipping frames :/ I searched and found a solution here, though it didn’t work for me lol. My workaround for this in the meantime is decreasing the speed down to 0.70 then start screenshotting—it’s not the same pre Sonoma update but it works so I’ll have to accept it rather than have jumpy looking gifs.

Now, after this part of kylos’ tutorial:

you can continue reading the following sections of my gif tutorial below.

I want to share this little tip (sorry, this will only cater to Mac users) that I hope will be helpful for organizing the screenshots that MPV saved to the folder you have selected. Because believe me you don’t want to go through 1k+ of screenshots to select just 42-50 frames for your gif.

The Control + Command + N shortcut

This shortcut allows you to create a new folder from files you have pre-selected. As you can see below I have already created a couple of folders, and inside each folder I have selected screenshots that I want to include in one single gif. It's up to you how you want to divide yours, assuming you intend to create and post a Tumblr gifset rather than just one gif.

Another tip is making use of tags. Most of, if not all the time, I make supercorp gifs so I tag blue for Kara and red (or green) for Lena—just being ridiculously on brand and all that.

Before we finally open Photoshop, there's one more thing I want to say—I know, please bear with me for the third? fourth? time 😅

It's helpful to organize everything into their respective folders so you know the total number of items/frames you have. This way, you can add or delete excess or unnecessary shots before uploading them in Photoshop.

For example below there are 80 screenshots of Kara inside this folder and for a 1:1 (540 x 540 px) Tumblr gif, Photoshop can just work around with 42-50 max number of frames with color adjustments applied before it exceeds the 10 MB file size limit of Tumblr.

Sometimes I skip this step because it can be exhausting (haha) and include everything so I can decide visually which frames to keep later on. You'll understand what I mean later on. But it's important to keep the Tumblr 10 MB file size limit in mind. Fewer frames, or just the right amount of frames, is better.

So, with the screenshot organization out of the way, let's finally head over to Photoshop.

Giffing in Photoshop, yay!

Let’s begin by navigating to File > Scripts > Load Files into Stack…

The Load Layers window will appear. Click the Browse button next.

Find your chosen screenshots folder, press Command + A to select all files from that folder then click Open. Then click OK.

After importing and stacking your files, Photoshop should display the following view:

By the way, I'll be providing the clip I've used in this tutorial so if want to use them to follow along be my guest :)

If you haven't already opened your Timeline panel, navigate to Windows > Timeline.

Now, let's focus on the Timeline panel for the next couple of steps.

Click Create Video Timeline, then you’ll have this:

Now click the menu icon on the top right corner then go to Convert Frames > Make Frames from Clips

Still working on the Timeline panel, click the bottom left icon this time—the icon with the three tiny boxes—to Convert to Frame Animation

Select Make Frames From Layers from the top right corner menu button.

So now you have this:

Go and click the top right menu icon again to Select All Frames

Then click the small dropdown icon to set another value for Frame Delay. Select Other…

The best for me and for most is 0.05 but you can always play around and see what you think works for you.

Click the top right menu icon again to Reverse Frames.

I think Photoshop has long since fixed this issue but usually the first animation frame is empty so I just delete it but now going through all these steps there seems to be none of that but anyways, the delete icon is the last one among the line of feature buttons at the bottom part of the Timeline panel.

Yay, now we can have our first proper GIF preview of a thirsty Lena 😜

Press spacebar to watch your gif play for the very first time! After an hour and half of selecting and cutting off screenshots! 😛 Play it some more. No really, I’m serious. I do this so even as early (lol) as this part in the gif making process, I can see which frames I can/should delete to be within the 10 MB file size limit. You can also do it at the end of course 🙂

Now, let’s go to the next important steps of this tutorial post which I’ve numbered below.

Crop and resize to meet Tumblr's required dimensions. The width value should be either 540px, 268px, or 177px.

Convert the gif to a Smart Object for sharpening.

Apply lighting and basic color adjustments before the heavy coloring. I will be sharing the base adjustments layers I use for my gifs 😃.

1. Crop and Resize

Click on the Crop tool (shortcut: the C key)

I like my GIFs big so I always set this to 1:1 ratio if the scene allows it. Press the Enter key after selecting the area of the frame that you want to keep.

Side note: If you find that after cropping, you want to adjust the image to the left or another direction, simply unselect the Delete Cropped Pixels option. This way, you will still have the whole frame area available to crop again as needed and as you prefer.

Now we need to resize our gif and the shortcut for that is Command + Opt + I. Type in 540 as the width measurement, then the height will automatically change to follow the ratio you’ve set while cropping.

540 x 540 px for 1:1

540 x 405 px for 4:3

540 x 304 px for 16:9

For the Resample value I prefer Bilinear—but you can always select the other options to see what you like best.

Click OK. Then Command + 0 and Command + - to properly view the those 540 pixels.

Now we get to the exciting part :) the sharpen settings!

2. Sharpen

First we need to have all these layers “compressed” intro a single smart object from which we can apply filters to.

Select this little button on the the bottom left corner of the Timeline panel.

Select > All Layers

Then go to Filter > Convert for Smart Filters

Just click OK when a pop-up shows up.

Now you should have this view on the Layers panel:

Now I have 3 sharpen settings to share but I’ll have download links to the Action packs at the end of this long ass tutorial so if you want to skip ahead, feel free to do so.

Sharpen v1

Go to Filter > Sharpen > Smart Sharpen…

Below are my settings. I don’t adjust anything under Shadows/Highlights.

Amount: 500

Radius: 0.4

Click OK then do another Smart Sharpen but this time with the below adjustments.

Amount: 12

Radius: 10.0

As you can see Lena’s beautiful eyes are “popping out” now with these filters applied. Click OK.

Now we need to Convert to Frame Animation. Follow the steps below.

Click on the menu icon at the top right corner of the Timeline panel, then click Convert Frames > Flatten Frames into Clips

Then Convert Frames > Convert to Frame Animation

One more click to Make Frames From Layers

Delete the first frame then Select All then Set Frame Delay to 0.05

and there you have it! Play your GIF and make sure it’s just around 42-50 frames. This is the time to select and delete.

To preview and save your GIF go to File > Export > Save for Web (Legacy)…

Below are my Export settings. Make sure to have the file size around 9.2 MB to 9.4 MB max and not exactly 10 MB.

This time I got away with 55 frames but this is because I haven’t applied lighting and color adjustments yet and not to mention the smart sharpen settings aren't to heavy so let’s take that into consideration.

Sharpen v1 preview:

Sharpen v2

Go back to this part of the tutorial and apply the v2 settings.

Smart Sharpen 1:

Amount: 500

Radius: 0.3

Smart Sharpen 2:

Amount: 20

Radius: 0.5

We’re adding a new type of Filter which is Reduce Noise (Filter > Noise > Reduce Noise...) with the below settings.

Then one last Smart Sharpen:

Amount: 500

Radius: 0.3

Your Layers panel should look like this:

Then do the Convert to Frames Animation section again and see below preview.

Sharpen v2 preview:

Sharpen v3:

Smart Sharpen 1:

Amount: 500

Radius: 0.4

Smart Sharpen 2:

Amount: 12

Radius: 10.0

Reduce Noise:

Strength: 5

Preserve Details: 50%

Reduce Color Noise: 0%

Sharpen Details: 50%

Sharpen v3 preview:

And here they are next to each other with coloring applied:

Congratulations, you've made it to the end of the post 😂

As promised, here is the download link to all the files I used in this tutorial which include:

supercorp 2.05 Crossfire clip

3 PSD files with sharpen settings and basic coloring PSD

Actions set

As always, if you're feeling generous here's my Ko-fi link :) Thank you guys and I hope this tutorial will help you and make you love gif making.

P.S. In the next post I'll be sharing more references I found helpful especially with coloring. I just have to search and gather them all.

-Jill

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kanmom51 · 5 months ago

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A little math in the morning

You know how it is when you're at work and you don't really feel like being at work cause all you are thinking of is Jikook (obsessed much? Oh, most definitely!!)?

This is one of those mornings.

And I figured, if I'm going down this rabbit hole, well, why not ask you to join?

And who doesn't love to do some math in the morning, right?

So yeah, math.

But wait a sec.

This math is the good kind.

The kind that tells us just how much Jikook we'll be getting.

The kind that makes us realize that we are going to be getting more Jikook than we have ever had before. More interactions. Longer moments. Like a full on show.

But just how much of it? Well, this is where the math comes in.

Now that the intro and explanations are done, let's get going:

We talked about the meaning of the 8's in my previous post, so I will forgo that in this one.

What I will be doing here is a little counting. You know. To put things into perspective. Because I feel like sometimes we lose that.

8 episodes of Jikook bliss is what we will be getting.

A show that will most likely be 20 to 25 minutes long. This is a starting assumption. I will be grateful for this, and every single minute added to that will be a blessing.

But if we take 20-25 minute episodes, that will give us:

20*8=160

25*8=200

Between 160 to 200 minutes.

And even if we cut out 10% of that as whatever (intro, outro, anything that doesn't have them in it), we will get:

144 to 180 minutes of Jikook.

Do you get that?

Do you register that?

A minimum of: 144 minutes.

That is over 2 hours of Jikook!!!!!

I don't think we can even imagine what that means.

We, who have been living on little few seconds to couple of minute increments of those two. The longest interaction we got was the live they did back in 2020 and that was them being totally vigilant and aware of the live camera (and yet...).

As much as the editing will probably be brutal, cause put those two together and more so add some alcohol into the bidding (we know there was alcohol) and you will get wild wild Jikookery that may end with bed nets being torn to pieces. But as brutal as it may be and as much as they might want to water it down (which I'm kind of wondering if they even are wanting to do this at this point - long train of thoughts going on here in that matter), you just can't do that with over 2 hours of exclusively Jikook content.

You just can't.

Boy, we are going to be rolling in it. This is going to sustain us for years to come. RB left behind. Hickey forgotten. TTU - what's that even? 'Are you sure' is going to be IT. That reference point. Can you even process it? I'm still trying to.

You don't need to have them making out on camera to recognize a certain type of dynamic. Just saying.

8 EPISODES

144 minutes

MINIMUM!!!!!

Over 2 hours!!!

AT MINIMUM!!!!

Of Jikook just having pure fun.

With each other.

TOGETHER

ALONE

JUST THE 2 OF THEM

Swallow that HATERS!!!!

Or just choke on it. Who cares? I don't.

Happy dance incoming.

#Jikook #Kookmin #minkook #Jungkook #JK #Jimin #JM #Jikook Are you sure

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yuurei20 · 6 months ago

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I have been stalking your tumblr for a while now bc I'm fairly new to the fandom and you've been really helpful lol (thank you!!!)

I don't know if you've answered this before but I have been wondering who was the youngest of the first years? I thought it was jack and ace, but apparently they're the oldest but aren't all of them 16 and then jack and ace's birthdays come later in year? This might be really stupid but idk lol

Hello hello! Thank you very much!! ^^ ♡ You are so kind!

And yes yes, we have received hints sometimes about which characters are older than the rest, with Vil being younger than Cater and Jade being older than Riddle.

We know that the beginning of the school year is in September, and Jamil's birthday is the first one in September, so Jamil is assumed to be the oldest of the 2nd-year students (confirmed in a tweet by Yana!).

Adding to this is the fact that Jamil's birthday was the first to be released in the original game! :> Every new birthday series starts with Jamil and ends with Riddle, as they would be the oldest- and youngest-2nd-year students, if we are following a September-to-August school year.

(Cater is the first birthday on EN! I am not sure why this was changed. The original game was launched in March of 2020, so there were no birthday banners for the first six months after the game's release until we reached Jamil's birthday of September 12th. EN was able to get birthday banners immediately, shifting the balance of when new series start and who seems to be older than who.)

If we wanted to list the human characters (and Sebek) oldest-to-youngest according to this system (minus the special case that is Leona), it might look like this!

Ace is the oldest first-year, while Deuce is the youngest.

(Ortho's actual age is difficult to place, as he was "born" pre-programmed with a memory that is older than his physical self.)

Jamil is the oldest second-year, while Riddle is the youngest.

As Riddle was born on August 24th, he is technically only a month older than Ace (who was born September 23rd).

Trey is the oldest non-fae, non-Leona third-year, while Vil is the youngest.

At 700 years old Lilia is the oldest third-year.

January 1st also does not seem to be his actual birthday: he does not remember the date of his birth and possibly never knew it in the first place, having been adopted by Malleus' grandmother.

Malleus is the second-oldest character on the main student cast at 178 years old, while Leona is 20 (due to starting NRC a year late (under duress) and then being held back an additional year for poor attendance (which was possibly on purpose, as he does not seem to want to go home. Ref: Leona's Age and NRC).)

We know that time is passing in-game as we will receive occasional cues like the school year starting in September, the interdorm Spelldrive tournament being in October, the new semester starting in January, and the VDC being held in February.

There has never been any main-story acknowledgement of the characters getting older, but we can track their ages for ourselves based on the timeline of the main story!

If the ages in character profiles represent how old they were at the beginning of the school year, then we can surmise the following (none of which has been officially acknowledged anywhere as of this post, it is all conjecture):

Book 1: Jamil turns 18, Ace turns 17 Book 2: Jack turns 17, Trey turns 19. Books 3 and 4: Jade/Floyd turn 18, Rook/Idia turn 19 Books 5 and 6: Cater turns 19, Azul turns 18

After Book 6 things get a little vague!

Lilia says that Book 7 is "half a year" since school began, and it is presumably before May's Spelldrive tournament, so possibly March? Whether or not Sebek, Vil and Ruggie have had their birthdays yet might be unconfirmed!

To answer the initial question: it is not officially stated outright in the game that "Deuce is the youngest first-year," but there are fans who believe that this is what is being implied by the school year starting in September!

This is where "Ace and Jack are the oldest first years even though their birthdays are later in the year" comes from ^^ The school year does not start until autumn, meaning that Sebek, Epel and Deuce all have birthdays in the second semester, whereas Ace and Jack's birthdays are first semester, thus making them older than the other three ^^

#twstask #twisted wonderland

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charmedreincarnation · 2 years ago

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Hey angels! I’m still on break but I wanted to show you guys how powerful the law is, and how it’s in effect with everything even when we don’t notice!

Here’s everything I’ve manifested in this year alone !

🌸70,000$ in school scholarships. My tuition does not even cost that much so most of it will be coming back to my credit card shortly

🌸an older sister. I’m the oldest child in my household, and as any older sibling knows it’s so hard. You have to lead, yet have no one to look up to for advice yourself. Anyways my dad got in touch with his old wife, and my mom who was once reluctant to let my half siblings in my life, now encouraged it! My older half sister is literally just like me. We now FaceTime, she defends me when I’m scared, she buys me stuff all the time because she has hella money, and I go to her apartment for sleep overs. I am very lucky and happy to finally have the older sister I’ve always wanted.

🌸an old friendship! I remember in 2020 I was friends with this girl and we were both super depressed, had similar circumstances, and were into manifesting+astrology. I’m sure she’s one my twin flame, and the friendship ended over the dumbest thing ever. Anyways for a year I used dumb methods like the 333 method, sp methods to get her to text me, stuff like that. I ended up giving up but earlier this year I was thinking about her, yanno just wondering where she is. She sent me a heart felt apology the next day. I manifested her without even trying!

🌸All As in school without trying.

🌸losing weight the more I eat. Y’all I’m 5’5 and 112 pounds, yet I eat like an Olympic gold medalists. I don’t even eat healthy and knowing myself.. well that’s something that’s not going to change lol. Anytime I would eat a lot, I would just say the more I eat, the more I lose and the healthier I am…and I never gained a single pound. Only lost! Don’t worry I’m still healthy and my doctors say I’m in a healthy range still, so as long as that continues healthily I’m fine.

🌸my family winning the lottery through the void state. I won’t say specific numbers but it’s in the 7 figure range, and was my first void success! I’m going to keep manifesting and exploring the void to have more stuff in the future!

🌸(dumb) but clearing my name in the unique situation. i remember just affirming the truth always comes out and she got exposed a few hours later. aside from the hate from her anons, I left the situation unscathed for the most part 😮‍💨

🌸not having seasonal depression this year. I did not manifest my depression or anxiety away for personal reasons, before anyone starts! But due to the combination of manifesting and just having a better overall life, it honestly did not affect me much this year.

🌸getting results from subliminals without even listening to them. I left my subliminal era a couple of years ago, and I don’t really use them anymore. But sometimes I come across a really cool one with dope benefits, and I want to use it bc.. why not lol. But I don’t really like listening to them, so I just wrote down that I can listen to it once and after that my brain memorizes the sequence and it works it out repeatedly even when it’s not playing and I’ve definitely noticed results.

🌸manifesting my best friend’s cancer away! I already made a post about this, but this was my favorite manifestation of this year.

🌸every single one of my shifts

🌸so many free things!

🌸and so much more, but these are my favorites!

#law of assumption #manifesation #void state #manifesting #void success #reality shifting

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meazalykov · 4 months ago

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invisible string theory

lena oberdorf x uswnt!bayern!reader

part one - part two - part three

summary: you're with her now, but you've known of her for longer than that.

warnings: long chapter, suggestive content

back in the united states, you were heartbroken.

due to the contract that gotham had with lyon, there wasn’t a possibility that lyon could permanently sign you. the french club tried to sign you for another loan year with a mandatory buy option, but gotham didn’t want that.

so now you’re here, dressed in a gotham kit watching the team play the chicago red stars from the bench.

its the 70th minute and you had your arms crossed sitting on the bench. your national teammate, mallory, and your other friend midge sat beside you after coming off minutes before.

“my ankle is killing me, i might have to go to medic after this game ends.” mallory hissed as she held onto her ankle. sometime after halftime, a chicago red stars player kicked the back of mallory’s ankle on accident.

“you should, its bruised!” you say as you observe her ankle from your seat, your hands still crossed together as midge decides to hold your right arm in comfort.

midge turns her head and noticed the coach, yes the coach that's not happy with you, coming your way.

“y/n.” midge tapped your shoulder. you looked to your right to see the coach looking at you with an unreadable expression on his face.

“y/n, you should warm up, you’re going on in the 80th minute.” the coach says before going back to observe the game.

your eyebrows knitted together before you quickly took off your windbreaker jacket. being a benchwarmer the last two games since coming back from france was something you were starting to get used to until another club put in their offers.

the coach has received a bunch of hate in the media because of you. which kind of soccer coach wouldn’t start one of the best players in the world? well, a coach with an agenda– that's for sure.

being subbed into the game five minutes later, you already had the ball at your feet. as you run across the pitch and dribble pass a few chicago players, you pass up to carli lloyd.

the striker takes the shot but it deflects off of the post. luckily, the ball landed back on your blue cleat and you tapped the ball into the goal. opening up the score 1-0 for gotham before the 90th minute.

knowing your situation at gotham, you didn’t celebrate as happily as you did back when you scored at lyon. all you did was put your hands up high as your teammates gathered around to hug you.

“i’m pretty sure that this is a good moment after being back from winning the champions league in europe.” a commentator says as you go back into the starting position as an attacking midfielder.

“that’s my girl!” you heard midge yell from the benches. you look over to see her and mallory with the brightest smiles as you nod your head at them.

you loved your teammates, but you wanted to be at another club more than anything.

after the game that afternoon, your agent called you.

she said that many clubs in europe wanted to sign you– permanently.

that's all you wanted, you didn’t want to take a loan deal and attach yourself to another club just to come back here again. you wanted a new permanent home. it's 2020 and the transfer window in europe will close soon.

she said that psg was the first to put in an offer for you, but you immediately declined. somehow, you felt loyal to lyon and didn’t want to join paris.

the next clubs she mentioned were real madrid, manchester united, ajax, and aston villa. you declined on those as well, not really seeing yourself in those clubs.

even though bayern munich wasn’t the last club on the list, you were interested in that offer once your agent mentioned it.

your agent mentioned that the coach personally wanted you at the club, and the club offered a good amount of benefits.

so, after a few days of deciding, you were in germany signing a contract with the bavarian club until 2025.

over the months, you adjusted to the club perfectly. you got along with the girls, made a promise that you’ll learn to speak german, and your new best friend sydney was there to guide you.

in november 2020, you were in the starting lineup to play against wolfsburg.

this is your first time going up against the green team since you were with the french club, so you were ready to face them again.

as you were standing in the tunnel, you talked with lineth beerensteyn about what to expect. this is your first start with the club, since the coach wanted you to get familiar with the games first. this was fair and something you went through with lyon as well.

“its nice to face them again.” you respond to lineth after she asked you how you felt about wolfsburg. she smirks at you before pinching your shoulder.

“oh yeah– i forgot we have a champions league winner on our hands.” she laughed. you rolled your eyes playfully as you shook your head.

“don’t forget about the world cup.” sydney lohmann joins in. your jaw dropped as you shook your head again.

“okay let's not talk about me, lets talk about the upcoming match” you say.

“you’re right you’re right,” lineth laughs at her teasing towards you, “games against wolfsburg get pretty intense when you’re with bayern. they’re the “rivals” or whatever you want to say.” she continued.

“just make sure that you take advantage of any opportunity you see. some of the midfielders will go for your ankles so i’d watch out for that too. things can get heated” the dutch finished.

you nodded your head as you observed the wolfsburg players around the tunnel. some, like svenja and dominique, patted your back since you’re happy to see you again but in the bundesliga.

before you walked ahead to talk to sydney, you felt a hand on your left shoulder.

“so– what brings you here?” you look over your shoulder to see lena.

honestly, you forgot about her after the champions league final. you have her jersey in your apartment along with other players' jerseys you’ve traded with in the past, but things were stressful for you when you went back home.

“beating you again.” you teased. lena placed her hand over her heart before giggling,

“not that! i mean it's nice to see you in this league.” she says.

“oh danke– sorry– the adjustment here was easy thankfully.” you smile.

lena wraps her arm around your shoulder, causing you to feel warm on the inside, does she know what she is doing to you?

“that’s good– it would’ve been nice to see you in our jersey though.” lena whispers. you look over at her, your voice caught into your throat.

“um- no thanks. i would miss getting my ankles broken by you if we were on the same team.” you tease. she unwraps her arm from your body, and pats you on the shoulders with a smirk, before going back to where the wolfsburg substitutes are without saying anything else.

“y/n.. how do you know lena?” sydney walks up to you with her eyebrows knitted together. she looked curious, smiling, as you crossed your arms together.

“we met during some adidas event at the world cup. well- i met giulia actually but lena just happened to be there and-”

“and you guys are dating? why didn’t you tell-”

“woah syd slow down! we aren’t dating?” you cut her off.

sydney smirks at you before laughing, realizing what the conversation turned into.

“i’m sorry. you guys looked very flirty and familiar with each other.” sydney said as she rested her arm on your shoulder. you shrugged the other shoulder.

“I mean the last time I talked to her was at the champions league final last season. she's cute but i don’t know if she even sees me that way?” you whisper in sydneys ear.

you’re comfortable talking about this with sydney. she’s become your best friend since arriving in germany, but it feels like you’ve known her for longer than that.

“the way that she looked at you, i would say she does.” sydney comments.

you were going to question that but everyone started to lineup in the tunnel to head out. so, all you could do is wonder with your thoughts as you walked out to start the game.

a year later, you were waiting at the airport in wolfsburg after a last minute decision.

after that game in november 2020, lena and you started following each other on instagram. the both of you got each other's phone numbers and have been in touch everyday since.

due to not being on the same club team, or national team, you didn’t see lena much– if not at all.

randomly, as you were in your kitchen hours before– lena texted you.

obi

we should go to this new restaurant that opened up downtown wolfsburg

y/n

how? i’m in munich..

obi

check your email.

when you checked your email, you saw that she sent you a confirmation and a plane ticket for wolfsburg. you jaw dropped in the middle of your kitchen as you were finishing making a few pastries for the bayern girls.

y/n

did you really buy me a plane ticket to see you?

y/n

you’re insane

y/n

the flight is in three hours? you’re eager

y/n

where am i supposed to stay at?

obi

yes i did

obi

just for you

obi

you can stay with me. i have a spare room

you stood outside of the wolfsburg airport with a carry on bag waiting for lena’s car. luckily, there is no training or games scheduled since its thanksgiving break– so you had a day or two to spend with lena.

after talking for a year, you guys weren't official. its clear that you are in the “talking stage” with the wolfsburg midfielder, but you hoped that she will be your girlfriend soon– even with the distance.

as you looked down at your phone, watching a tiktok video that popped up on your fyp, you heard a loud car beep their horn.

ignoring that your heart nearly jumped out of your chest in fear, you looked up to see lena getting out of the drivers side of her car.

“obi!” you say as you grab your carry on bag. the german smiles brightly as she held her arms out for you.

when you hugged her taller body, the nerves in your stomach eased away. the warmth of her body and her coconut scent seemed to give you peace in those short seconds.

“hi liebe! how was your flight?” she whispered in your ear, not breaking the hug just yet.

her proximity to your ear made you feel something that you’ve never felt before. something you couldn’t say out loud.

“my flight was smooth, i had a row to myself.” you smile as you looked at lena’s blushed face.

you weren’t surprised about the small amount of people on the flight, it was an 6pm flight and plane rides from munich to wolfsburg weren’t long at all.

“that’s perfect. here, give me that.” lena held her hands out.

you were confused before you noticed that she was pointing at your bag. you gave her your carry on, which she gently put in the trunk of her car as you got into the passenger seat.

when you guys arrived to her apartment, you were quick to pull your adidas slides off and sit on her couch. lena smiled, happy that you made yourself comfortable in her space.

“it’s late, so i’m not sure if you want to do much.” lena says.

pulling your phone out of your pocket, seeing that it just hit 21:00, you agree.

“we could watch a movie.” you suggested.

“we can, but can it not be those horror movies you love seeing?” lena asked.

as much as you guys had in common, movies weren’t one of them.

lena loved disney animated movies and comedies, you loved horror films along with star wars.

“you know what we should watch!? we should watch the phantom menace! it's not horror!” you smirked.

lena rolled her eyes playfully, remembering a phone conversation you guys had in the past.

“I remember when you said that you wanted me to get you started on the star wars trilogies. it's a win-win for the both of us,” you stood up from the couch and held lena’s hands with your own. the close proximity made lena’s face turn a shade of pink.

“i get to watch star wars, and you get to watch a disney movie– since star wars is owned by disney.” you came closer, just inches from her nose hitting yours.

she's taller than you, so she looked down at you slightly with a questioning look.

“sure.” she says, distracted.

your boldness seemed to go away the same second that you stopped talking. your breathing slowed as you realized what you’ve done.

lena’s eyes looked down to your lips as you did the same with her.

the both of you are alone in her apartment, you realize that no-one would be there to distract you if she kisses you.

you didn’t mind.

the german moves her arms around your lower waist as you lean in to kiss her. as you made contact with her lips, your hands moved to the back of her neck.

the kissing got heated quickly. lena was clearly the dominant one in the situation as she lifted you up and your legs were around her waist, walking you to her bedroom.

and you know how things went afterwards!

before you left to go back to munich two days later, lena asked you to be her girlfriend.

you said yes, happy but sad to leave her so soon.

after another few months, it's july 2022.

unfortunately for you, you were out on a three month injury. your hamstring teared while you were on international break with the uswnt– so you were free to return to germany.

however, you didn’t go to germany. you wanted to support lena and the rest of your bayern girls at the euros in england.

you’ve seen the prep that your girlfriend lena has put into this competition. due to the distance, you don’t see her everyday– but you guys have perfected the routine of seeing each other when off-days align.

on the sidelines of the final with germany against england, you wore the green germany kit with some levi 90s jeans. of course, the kit had lena’s last name on the back.

some people might be offended that you, an american player of their national team, is wearing another countries kit– but you know the majority wouldn’t care, and neither did you.

lena deserved to be here at this moment you thought. there was no way that you weren’t going to support her beside her family,

“so, how long are you supposed to be off the pitch?” you looked over to see lena’s father speak to you, his german accent stronger than lena’s. the first half of the final ended and it's nil-nil and it could be anyone’s game.

you wore a black brace around your leg where the injury occurred, so you figured that he was talking about that.

“oh, i won’t be playing until the start of next season. so a couple of months– i have a grade 2 tear in my hamstring.” you respond, smiling as lena’s father nodded his head in understanding.

“you’ll be back out there soon!” lena’s mother spoke with encouragement. you smiled, happy that your girlfriend had sweet parents that treat you as if you were their own.

after talking to her family for longer, the start of the second half comes along. you’re anxious as both teams are keeping possession with the ball.

watching other teams in person is making you miss being out on the pitch playing.

all thoughts aside, your jaw drops as you watch ella toone from england put the ball in at the 62nd minute.

lena got a yellow card moments before for a tackle on your friend, georgia, who is coming to bayern soon. so, lena was already in a disappointed mood before this moment.

as the substitutes for germany and england were starting to come on, you started to feel anxious. you hated this feeling for teams that aren’t your own, but this happens everytime you invest a couple of hours into watching others– especially your girlfriend who you want to see with the euro trophy.

when lina magul scored the equalizer for germany, you put your hands up and clapped as you witnessed the german girls huddle around in a big group hug.

“come on obi!” you whisper to yourself, hoping that this was a fairytale where lena would score the winner for her country.

unfortunately for you, germany’s team, and the fans– chloe kelly taps the ball into the net in the 110th minute– giving england the lead in extra time.

deep down, you knew that was it. you looked ahead at lena with sadness in your eyes. however, you wanted to keep hope.

after the game, seeing lena accept the young player award with tears in her eyes broke your heart. this is something that you’ve never gone through before from the outside, since usually you are the player that needs the comfort of a non-player after a loss.

after thirty minutes of the award process– with the hard watch of england lifting the trophy you wanted lena to lift– lena pushed herself to walk towards her family and you.

at first, you thought she was going to go to her parents for a hug. you stepped back as you made sure that her parents were slightly in front of you.

lena, with dried tears on her face, looked at you and held her hands out. being at the front row before the field, you accepted her embrace– holding her with as much as possible.

she picks you up and pulls you over the barcade, making sure that your leg would be okay, so you’re standing on the pitch now.

“i know you might not want to hear this right now– but you did amazing throughout the tournament. i am so proud of you.” you whisper into her ear.

her strong arms squeeze your waist, a silent thank you that you’ll take it as. she holds you for another minute, knowing that what she needs is your love and reassurance.

as you lift her head up from your shoulder to look at you, she frowns as she closes her eyes. another tear flows down her cheeks but you’re quick to wipe it away–

“hey! don’t beat yourself up. you were the best player of the tournament, and i’m not just saying that because i’m your girlfriend.” you reassure.

you know what lena is thinking– what did i do wrong? was there anything else i could’ve done? did the yellow card send the team into failure? those thoughts were not unfamiliar to you when you lost games, but you’ve never played in a euros final.

“danke.” she smiles slightly.

part three here

#lena oberdorf #woso community #woso fanfics #woso x reader #woso imagine #woso soccer #gerwnt #dfb frauen

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sophieinwonderland · 7 months ago

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Debunking Anti(-endo's)Misinfo. AKA: How are anti-endos so bad at sources????

(The original)

Oh, well good on you for trying to cover everything! Nice of anti-endos to finally start trying to use science to prove their arguments. I'm sure these sources will totally be reliable and will prove your points beyond a shadow of a doubt, and that you won't just be falling flat on your face with every single attempt at basic reading comprehension, and end up repeatedly make a complete fool of yourself.

Let's go!

Off to a pretty strong start, acknowledging that many endogenic systems don't have DID or OSDD. Sadly, that basic fact is something that seems to escape most anti-endos. So with this in mind, I think it's safe to say the goal of this post is going to be to prove...

You can't possibly have DID without trauma.

You can't possibly have OSDD without trauma.

You can't be a system without DID/OSDD.

Let's read through and see how they'll do at proving their points by the end. I promise you, the results... won't surprise you. 😉

Well, there goes that strong start.

The source here is a Carrd and so-called "common sense."

Meanwhile, in the World Health Organization's ICD-11, alters or dissociative identities are described as "distinct personality states." In the same page, it's stated that you can have multiple "distinct personality states" without a disorder.

This is information from the World Health Organization affirming that you can be plural without a disorder. And I think that prevails over your so-called "common sense."

See also these screenshots from the plurality chapter of Transgender Mental Health, a book published by the American Psychiatric Association:

Finally, I really want to put a focus on this line of logic: "you cannot have alters without having a disorder, this is common sense as it's not normal to have alters."

Normal has multiple meanings in different contexts. The ICD-11's boundary with normality uses normal to mean "non-pathological." But this post seems to be using "normal" in the lay way to mean "common."

And that makes this particular rhetoric extremely dangerous and harmful to many communities. "If it's not common, it's a mental illness," was the basis for homosexuality and being transgender being listed as mental illnesses. "Most people don't think this way, so there's something wrong with them."

This could also easily be used to pathologize Otherkin and other alterhumans as mentally ill because it's not "normal" to identify as an animal.

The modern World Health Organization and American Psychiatric Association recognize the fact that simply thinking unusually or differently isn't an illness or disorder.

Statements like yours do not exist within a vacuum, but harken back to decades past when any non-typical thinking would have you labeled as having a disorder that needed treated.

Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.

Let's be thankful to live in a world today where our differences aren't considered disorders. And let's not resort to ideologies that threaten to return us to those days past.

Wait... who suggests this? Who are they? I think I need more info...

So... "some researchers."

Also, can we talk about how this starts off with "sometimes called multiple personality disorder." I checked to see if this was before the name changed in the ICD (which I believe was 2015) and it doesn't seem to be! Oldest archive I can find is 2020!

Rethink.org is a charity.

These are not peer-reviewed papers.

The page references "some researchers" without names or sources.

I have no idea who authored this or if they're qualified at all in this field.

This is a terrible source. A web page by an anonymous author citing other unnamed authors with no reason to think anyone who wrote this had any idea what they were talking about!

This says DID is caused by many things, and lists trauma as only one that's included. This doesn't back up the idea DID/OSDD can only be caused by trauma, and suggests the opposite.

Oh, and "it's also known as split personality disorder." 😔

Go home WebMD.

Usually associated with doesn't mean it's a requirement, and in fact implies that it isn't always.

"Is associated with." "Can be a response to trauma."

Reiterating that the first two goals here were to prove you can't have DID or OSDD without trauma. And these aren't doing that.

An association doesn't mean there's a causation, and it doesn't mean that association is there in 100% of cases.

"often develop."

Like with "usually", you wouldn't use the word often if if something always happened. The choice of wording implies you can have dissociative disorders without trauma.

Are... they messing with us right now???

I swear, you can't have a post that sets out with the goal of disproving the existence of endogenic plurality, and then use quotes that seem to consistently imply there can be other causes for DID and not pick up on that theme!

Oh, yay! We finally got a quote that's actually trying to argue the point we started with.

But, again, this runs into a similar issue to the ReThink.org one. This is a random independent organization. There is no author for this article. It hasn't undergone peer review like an academic paper would.

There is no evidence the person who wrote this article is actually educated in dissociative disorders.

And finally back to "usually."

You must be so proud...

Source Round-Up

There was a lot here, so let's just recap.

6 out of 8 of these sources only say that DID is "usually" or "often" or "can be" caused by or associated with trauma. These actually imply there are cases where it's NOT caused by trauma, going against the original goals of this post.

Finally, there were two sources, Rethink and Mind.org, which did suggest DID is just caused by trauma, full stop. But both of these are extremely questionable as sources.

Neither named their authors. There's no indication what the review process is for their websites. And "Rethink" merely said this is what "some researchers" believe.

So let's double back to those goals set at the beginning.

You can't possibly have DID without trauma: One source says this, but the reliability of that source is questionable. Another source says some researchers are saying this but doesn't name any researchers or cite those sources. Meanwhile, the other six sources imply that it IS possible for DID to exist without trauma.

You can't possibly have OSDD without trauma: Neither of the two sources that suggest DID can only be caused by trauma mention OSDD at all.

You can't be a system without DID/OSDD: None of the sources suggest you need DID/OSDD to be a system or to be plural.

So far, you've failed to prove you can't be a system without DID or OSDD. You've failed to show you can't have OSDD without trauma. And the case for DID being exclusive to trauma frankly looks weaker than before you started talking.

Incredible work so far!!!

And I mean that in the way that nothing about this is remotely credible!

Ugh. There is SO much wrong here. First, no sources for their claims about tulpamancy.

Now, tulpamancy draws its name from a Tibetan Buddhist practice called sprul pa.

This is not the same practice though. And the Tibetan Buddhist practice is NOT CALLED TULPAMANCY.

Something which should be obvious to anyone who knows even the most basic facts about language, with the -mancy suffix being derived from Latin. And tulpamancy as a practice generally isn't religious.

From Dr. Samuel Veissiere of McGill University:

The community is primarily divided between so-called psychological and metaphysical explanatory principles. In the psychological community, neuroscience (or folk neuroscience) is the explanation of choice. Tulpas are understood as mental constructs that have achieved sentience. The metaphysical explanation holds that Tulpas are agents of supernatural origins that exist outside the hosts’ minds, and who come to communicate with them. Of 118 respondents queried on the question, 76.5% identified with the psychological explanation, 8.5% with the metaphysical, and 14% with a variety of “other” explanations, such as a mixture of psychological and metaphysical.

When discussing the research into tulpamancy, we're not discussing a religious or spiritual practice that's been validated by psychologists.

We're talking about a primarily psychological practice that's been validated by psychologists.

And as for the DSM quote, it confirms that religious practices aren't a disorder. Cool. But it also implies that religious practices can result in multiple distinct personality states. Hence why they needed that criterion. It's not stated as explicitly in the DSM as in the ICD, but the implication is there, especially when taken together.

Whether you call these "alters" or not is up to you. Most endogenic systems aren't using the word "alter" to describe their headmates.

But regardless of the word, what the research is showing is that there are multiple phenomena which can result in people having multiple self-conscious agents sharing the same body.

I mean, you've still done a really bad job at showing DID and OSDD form purely from trauma, with many of your sources straight up saying the opposite.

And remember, a lot of mixed origin systems will say that their other headmates aren't caused by or related to their disorder. And there are documented cases of people with DID both having alters associated with DID, and having non-aversive entities they commune with outside of that, as Kluft references in this paper:

The woman he describes here, who experienced ceding control to another entity who talked through her, would qualify as a mixed origin system in the modern plural community.

SIX OF YOUR EIGHT SOURCES LEFT THE DOOR OPEN FOR DID TO FORM WITHOUT TRAUMA!

NONE CLAIMED OSDD COULD ONLY COME FROM TRAUMA!

NONE CLAIMED YOU NEEDED DID OR OSDD TO BE PLURAL!

Your sources are NOT claiming what you think they're claiming!!!!!!!

If this is "all the proof you need," to say endogenic systems aren't valid, it's clear you were only ever interested in confirming your worldview.

But surely you can't seriously think this will convince anyone who isn't already indoctrinated!

Not even addressing this in full. It's such a blatant strawman that it's not worth my time.

There are similarities between plurality and being LGBTQ. Especially to the many trans systems out there who are seeing anti-endos use the same rhetoric that transmeds have. Or like you did earlier, are endorsing the same types of views that led to homosexuality being pathologized until the 70s. But nobody is saying it's the exactly the same!

I'm not sure what this is specifically referring to. But it might be about the line in the differential diagnosis for DID in the PTSD section where it's stated DID may not be preceded by trauma or have co-occurring PTSD symptoms.

It does also say in another section that DID is associated with trauma, but it never actually says that's the only way to get DID.

This is a straight-up lie. Most sources used by endogenic systems are less than a decade old, with some being as recent as 2023.

Here's the breakdown of some of the dates in @guardianssystem's doc, for reference:

I mean, I feel like part of the reason nobody has been able to disprove it is because a lot of its more specific claims have been really hard to test.

But that's neither here nor there.

The bigger issue you'll run into is that the creators of the theory you're citing have stated that there may be other ways for people to be plural. Or as they phrased it, having "conscious and self-conscious dissociated parts."

The above quote is from two of the three authors of The Haunted Self, the creators of the theory of the structural dissociation.

The TOSD is made to propose a way trauma can cause dissociative disorders to develop. But it does NOT suggest you need to have dissociative disorders to be plural, and I doubt the authors appreciated their work being twisted like that

Final Grade:

F-

This started with three goals.

Let's look back at them one last time.

You can't possibly have DID without trauma.

You can't possibly have OSDD without trauma.

You can't be a system without DID/OSDD.

By the end of this, have any of these claims successfully been proven?

I don't feel they have.

The first claim is what all the sources tried to focus on. But most of the sources didn't say that and didn't support it. All but two implied that DID could possibly form other ways.

And for the others? Nothing suggests OSDD can only be caused by trauma.

And you failed to provide any sources that suggested you couldn't be plural without DID and OSDD.

You completely and utterly failed to find decent sources to back up your claims, and to make a compelling case for them, at every conceivable juncture.

If I were you, I would be embarrassed to have put out something of such poor quality.

What have we learned:

Non-disordered and endogenic plurality has been supported and validated across the psychological field, including the World Health Organization's ICD-11 and Trasngender Mental Health which has been reviewed and published by the American Psychiatric Association.

The creators of the theory of structural dissociation believe it might be possible that "self-conscious dissociative parts of the personality" might form without trauma and that this needs to be further researched.

Tulpamancy is a mostly psychological practice that has been studied and validated by psychologists.

Anti-endos are really bad at sources.

Conversely, the majority of endogenic sources are actual peer reviewed academic papers. And contrary to false claims here, many of the papers are actually very recent.

(Tagging some tags from the original post)

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moonshynecybin · 2 months ago

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Hi, new to motogp and i’m a sucker for friends to enemies to lovers and relationships drama and pain so obviously i love marc/vale, i am also think marc is fascinating, but I haven’t found much info detailed info vale’s smear campaign against him/his media savvyness/his entire personality, like i think i grasp the bare bones but, are there any tumblr essay that are required reading to you? Also any good posts about this arm injury (aside for the documentary that i will be watching this weekend)

i love arm. ummmm his documentary is pretty much the story. like the central conceit/plot of the whole damn thing is to chart this latest operation on the injury he sustained in jerez 2020 its GONNA give you most of the information on that. now, that being said. marc is a liar sometimes, so i'm gonna try and gather some resources that might give a better idea on where his arm is NOW, because its something he kind of contradicts himself about !

simon patterson interview with The Race podcast: shockingly candid tbh. i think lil homie was having a bit of a crisis. standing on the edge of a cliff facing down possibly the end of his career. what if the move to gresini sucks ass kinda moment. couching his chances this year pretty aggressively. he ALSO says some stuff about how fucked up his arm still is that hes since tried to mildly walk back cuz hes funny. anyways because im insane i transcribed it:

SP: Did you have to switch teams this season? Did you have to change to something that gave you more of a chance to win after the last few years after how difficult everything has been? MM: Yeah, of course if I change teams its because it was something that I need. And yeah, of course it was a risky movement, but at the same time it was a movement thinking on my career, not on results in a short time. Its like thinking if I have the motivation, if I’m competitive again. You know, I had— three years ago, four years ago I had a very big injury, a hard injury in the arm. And yeah, now its working well, but still is not— I mean its the arm that you open four times. If you ask to a doctor, of course its performing in a good way, but its not the same arm. But I have many question marks inside my head. So, the best way to answer to myself is— do what I want. And yeah, its a risky movement. Why? Because the comfortable movement is to stay where I was, with my people, with my friends, with a big salary, the project. But I decided to jump to a new project and at the moment we will see if I can answer the many questions that I have. SP: It sounds like the reason you did it, the questions you have to answer are all for yourself. It's not about– MM: No, no no no– it's just for me. Because for me— I say many times in my interviews— if I don't feel competitive– and competitive doesn't mean win or win, it means be in that top five top six, and yeah five four podiums, five four victories. Win a championship is super difficult. And especially it becomes more and more difficult when the years are passing and the younger [people] are coming. So the life is the life and every athlete has his moment, and then step by step it goes down. But yeah I need to feel again competitive to continue with my career. Especially these last four years, has been, I mean– has been a nightmare, but is like it has passed super quick. The other years I was competing. I mean in the last four years I’ve completed half the championship, because I had many injuries, so now I need to find this stability, this pace. To start to create again a good base to fight for some races to the top positions— this is my intention. But to fight for the championship? This is something that still I’m not ready for. SP: You said that you learned a lot, during all of this. Is there things that have made you better? Are there things that youre gonna come back now with like new skills because of the experience? MM: No. I will not be better than before. Because– Yeah, maybe I have more experience, but before I was 100% in physical condition, and I was fresh. People say ‘No, he will come back stronger.’ When you have an injury, of course it's— injury is an injury. When you have an injury like two, three years, you lose the rhythm, you lose the feeling sometimes. And then it's super difficult to repeat all those things. But especially because your body— I mean they say the body is super smart, it can adapt. The body is super smart to adapt to new things, but it also is smart to remember what’s going on there. So yeah. I will be different, maybe— but not better.

theres also this similar quote from jan 2023:

theres also this recent statement from mat oxley talking about his arm and his sort of. show no weakness when it can be used against you philosophy

SO. following with that observation. he's started also kinda. being more noncommittal and vague in interviews/presscons now that he senses blood in the water. show no weakness expose no underbelly type stuff. so theres this in preseason which is actually around the same time as the patterson interview where he's still couching it a bit but hes also very adamant that his arm is working:

and then the BIG change comes around mugello this year, when he was fishing HARD for that ducati 2025 seat and changed his tune uh. QUITE a bit:

finally just some posts psychoanalyzing his ass about arm/injury, MOST of which are fairly recent. here, here, here, here, here, and here. ive also aggregated some recs for content good for learning about him in general here! go with god

#as for the rest of it. kind of a big ask i would recommend just goin through my marc tag and vegging outtttt #but in the meantime as meredith brooks says: hes a bitch hes a lover hes a child hes a mother #callie speaks #motogp #marc marquez #him and vale both use the press as this fun little tool akjsdfl

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respectthepetty · 4 months ago

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Your post about being happy that there are so many queer media to watch nowadays, even the bad ones is just spot on. I live in a homophobic country and I'm still in the closet at 25. so imagine growing up, discovering yourself, being so afraid and then have all the queer content you find end with the characters dying, being laughed at, or reduced to harmful stereotypes. because what did that mean for silly young closeted me?

But now?

Now I'm thriving, i get to experience queer love, queer joy, even queer dumbassery lmao. These reminders, despite still feeling stuck, constantly show me how other queer people are moving forward and living their lives—and it's beautiful, even the trashy ones (which always are the most fun to watch)

So thank you for your post. It’s a reminder that our stories matter, no matter how imperfect!

Anon, although I live in the United States, I have always lived in a super conservative county where the town clerk refuses to issue marriage licenses to queer couples (and sometimes people of color depending on the day). We have billboards coming into town telling everyone they are going to hell and compared to all my friends in bigger cities who had to wait for the COVID vaccine, I got mine in 2020 when they were mostly only available to medical staff because the medical staff at our hospital refused to get it because Trump told them not to or some shit, so the local pharmacy begged anyone to get the shot before they expired. For a long time, my town refused to let cable or internet companies come in because then we would be exposed to sinful media.

But I ain't moving!

So although I haven't lived your experience, I feel ya.

Which is why I love all the discourse about QLs. If someone loves a show, I want to see why. If someone hates a show, I want to hear all about it. Because for so long, I had NOTHING! I was looking at the bible in Catholic school like . . . "Judas, you could've just told Jesus you wanted him instead of doing all this" *sign of the cross* and we all know how that ended for both of them.

Now, I'm trying to figure out where to find the time to watch all that is being offered to me! I can be picky now! I can dislike a show without feeling like ALL queer content will be taken away from me. I can get characters giving hand jobs, rim jobs, and blow jobs without having to pay-for-view at 1 am praying that the volume stays low.

I have watched some of the worst imaginable queer content, and I have watched queer porn with a plot which has smacked, and not just literally *wink*. I have watched so many queers be buried in ways that people cannot even begin to fathom. I have seen more than my fair share of queer media, and I can say without a doubt that these BLs are giving us some of the best variety of queers I have ever seen, and regardless if they are true to the queer experience (Dinosaur Love, I'm looking at your wild ass), two men holding hands is really fucking queer to these homophobes regardless of the plot. Two men cuddling in bed is super queer to these homophobes regardless of how aligned it is with the queer experience. Two women kissing is giving a homophobe a heart attack right now!

Century of Love had homophobic crew members. Those people got a paycheck for filming a BL while tweeting homophobic comments. Homophobia doesn't magically go away because we have queer content, which is a truth you and I know, but it gives me tiny pleasure knowing that 1) the show is airing on a popular-ish Thai channel in a prime-time slot, and 2) homophobes had to film two men kissing, multiple times. If we can't beat (the fuck out of) them, at least we made them feel super uncomfortable for even a teeny tiny bit.

And that's the other half of this - Not only do we get to consume all of this, but others are being exposed to it. These shows are airing in their countries ON TV. These actors are being shown in ads on TV and doing spreads for magazines. So while my town has billboards telling us to seek Jesus or perish in the fires of hell, Apo and Mile are eating Lay's on a billboard somewhere in Thailand.

Because this isn't just about the queers watching but about the homophobes and even the in-betweens witnessing it.

Give me all the trashy series (Dinosaur Love, still looking at you)! Give me the series that have absolutely no plot except two boys holding hands. GIVE ME EVERYTHING! Because no matter what I get, I guarantee it is pissing off some grandpappy somewhere, and that's really the queer experience; pissing people off for not only existing, but having the audacity to thrive despite it all.

So thrive, QL Land, THRIVE!

#ql land #bl land #give me everything #and when I mean everything‚ I mean EVERYTHING #give me the worst and the best and the in between #because we deserve it #some people need to be exposed to this in a palatable way #and some people want it shoved in their face (ME!)#but I want it all!

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akookminsupporter · 4 months ago

Text

ARE YOU SURE?!: FIRST EPISODE.

MY IMPRESSIONS.

I want to preface this by saying that this is not an analysis post, and honestly, I don’t want to overanalyse their interactions—everything they said and did. Many others are doing that. My intention with this post is to share my thoughts on the episodes, my impressions, and perhaps my conclusions.

I’m writing this while watching the episodes for the second time.

So, Jimin was really the one who came up with the idea for the show and the one who got it started, while Jungkook just went with the flow. That’s so them, isn’t it? It reminds me a bit of Malta, not just what they did but also what Hobi and Joon said at the time.

The first episode is interesting for several reasons. The most obvious, I think, is the initial dynamic between Jimin and Jungkook. I feel there were things we obviously didn’t know, but at the beginning of the episode, there was a certain… pettiness? in their interactions. At times, they were a bit passive-aggressive with each other, but not in a malicious way. However, when they said something, they would look at each other as if to imply there was more going on than we could see or know.

Many in the fandom always say that Jimin and Yoongi bicker like an old married couple, but Jimin and Jungkook do it too, and this episode was a perfect example of that. Jimin and Jungkook are very similar, and that means they know which buttons to push to annoy each other, which seems to be the intention of both, especially Jimin’s. Jungkook is a bit calmer and tends to react when Jimin is being a bit more bratty than usual.

The start of the episode also confirmed something we already knew and that was obvious last year: Jimin was busy for a while and Jungkook wasn’t, then Jungkook was busy for a while and Jimin wasn’t, and it didn’t fit into their schedules. And I don’t know, but Jungkook sounded a bit bitter talking about it ajajajajajaj. It makes sense if we remember all the times Jungkook mentioned Jimin in his Wlives and invited him to do things.

At the beginning of the episode, we also saw that slight awkwardness Jimin and Jungkook sometimes feel when it’s just the two of them in front of a camera. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just that they seem to be so on guard that they don’t know how to act. This reminded me a lot of the Vlive they did in 2020.

As the episode progressed, they became more comfortable, but they continued bickering like an old married couple, which is very much Jimin and Jungkook. From what I’ve seen, that has surprised some fans. In my opinion, Jimin and Jungkook have always been like this; the difference is that this time it’s just the two of them, so it’s more obvious.

Jungkook saying that he and Jimin should buy the same clothes doesn’t help the allegations that they like to dress alike or at least coordinate their outfits, haha.

Jimin and Jungkook boxing out of nowhere at the checkout is peak Jikook, but something that hasn’t changed, and which we saw in both episodes, is how gentle they are with each other. Even when they were pretending to “fight,” there was always a certain tenderness in the way they touched each other. It reminded me of those times when Jungkook would playfully hit Jimin but would do it so carefully that it ended up being cute. Remember when during an ISAC, Jungkook hit Jimin with an ARMY Bomb and immediately hit himself to confirm that the ARMY Bomb hadn’t hurt Jimin too much? Well, something like that happened during these episodes. Jungkook, in particular, is always super careful when it comes to Jimin—except when he’s asleep, I guess, haha.

There were definitely moments when they said or did something that was an inside joke or something only they understood. For example, when they were at the brewery, Jimin started laughing, and Jungkook told him not to laugh alone. I’m not sure if that was because of the interaction just seconds before or what, but it happened several times in the first episode, in particular.

So, was bickering their new thing at that time? Okay, haha.

Jungkook falling off the kayak, Jimin laughing, and the staff running to help him, while Jungkook was only concerned about his phone, is peak comedy, haha. Jungkook being salty because he fell and Jimin didn’t, and wanting Jimin to fall off the kayak or knock him over, is too funny and very Jungkook. I think that fall bruised his ego a bit; he’s the cool and athletic guy—things like that don’t happen to him! Haha.

Jimin saying he had to be careful preparing the ramyeon because he knew how particular Jungkook is about it is just too cute.

It’s funny that Jungkook was complaining at the beginning of the trip about his bad luck with water and his sore throat, but Jimin ended up with stomach issues, his meat falling on the ground, being bitten by mosquitoes, and getting hit by Jungkook’s shoe, haha.

Why does stuff like this always happen to these guys when they do these kinds of shows? One loses his passport, another gets lost, another can’t travel with the others, and now someone gets a stomach bug, haha.

I demand to see a clip of them sleeping in that cabin. I refuse to believe those cameras didn’t have night vision or whatever it’s called and didn’t capture what happened. I hope some of that is in the behind-the-scenes footage because Jimin and Jungkook made a big deal of it in the last Wlive they did with Joon and Tae.

Also, I know the bed wasn’t very big, but how close was Jimin to Jungkook that he elbowed him right in the nose? I need answers; I need the recordings of that moment!

Honestly, I’m not sure if all of this makes sense, but I don’t want to change it because I wrote it all while watching the episode, and I don’t want to “perfect” it.

My conclusion about the first episode:

Jimin and Jungkook were very much themselves at the beginning: awkward, sassy, shy, and with a lot of complicity that could be interpreted differently. From what I saw, many understood it differently. I don’t know, maybe I’m the one who’s wrong. The only difference or more obvious thing is that Jimin and Jungkook tend to bicker quite a lot, with Jimin almost always being the instigator. I suppose he still likes being scolded by Jungkook.

The first episode was perfect for them to get into the flow of their dynamic. As they said, they hadn’t travelled together or seen each other for a bit, although I imagine they meant they hadn’t spent so much time together, maybe alone. 2023 was a year when their schedules didn’t align for various reasons, until July.

In the first episode, I saw the same Jimin and Jungkook as always, a bit more independent and sassy, but nothing really new. Their dynamic is the same but different.

I hope all this makes sense, and if not, well, I’m sorry. Remember that English is not my first language, haha.

I think I’ll do this for all the episodes; I’ll definitely do it for the second one.

#jkk show #jikook show #rosie's thoughts

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writingonleaves · 7 months ago

Text

were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? (did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?) - jeremy swayman

pairing: jeremy swayman x original female character

warnings: swearing, pretty angsty. hopeful ish ending because i can't do sad endings, very personal but i think many can relate in their own way, cliche ish, barely proofread

inspired by + title: "the smallest man who ever lived" by taylor swift

word count: 5.6k

author's note: i'd argue almost every piece any author writes is personal, because it has their life interspersed through the words. but this one really is, because a majority of this is the exact same words i wrote years ago after a break-up. heard the bridge to this song and immediately knew i had to write something inspired by it. also trying a new format of sorts (maybe a bit meta??), so i hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!!

~*~*~

When Noelle Betsko walked away from Jeremy Swayman, holding back tears until the call dropped, she knew it was going to be a tough time for the foreseeable future.

It didn’t matter that the pandemic had forced them apart. She knew she would still feel him for months to come.

She did the only thing she knows how to do when trying to deal with things. The one thing she always resorts to as an aspiring novelist. Sometimes on her laptop when the words were spilling out too quickly for her brain to catch up, tears littering the keyboard. Usually in her old beat-up journal, scribbling in the cursive that Jeremy claimed he always loved (“It makes your handwriting unique”) with the pens he had gifted her just a few months prior.

At the age of 21, Noelle got her heart broken for the first time. At the age of 26, she’s about to publish her first poetry collection of sorts, all of the poems modeled after journal entries written throughout her life. So not really poetry, though her mother would say otherwise.

She swallows as she thumbs through the middle part of the first known and binded copy of “miscellaneous.” There are only eight entries in the whole collection that are taken verbatim from her past writing. These are the eight.

May 13, 2020 (three days post-breakup, crying in my childhood bedroom)

I don’t even recognize who I was and who you were in those writings before these pages filled with love and hope and happiness. I can’t even summon up those feelings anymore that I knew existed at one point. Those feelings of complete bliss and love for someone so deep you can’t explain it.

I’m mad at myself for not being able to conjure those feelings, because at one point, I did love you. How could something that was part of my daily life for over two years just disappear so quickly?

But now, I’m not mad at myself. I’m mad, but I don’t know where to direct that anger to. I feel a bit empty sometimes, but then frustrated the next. Sometimes I get sad, but not so much compared to the other feelings. I spent enough time being sad during our relationship.

When we broke up, on an annoyingly beautiful Tuesday in May — over the damn phone, mind you, which whatever, it’s COVID. Fine — You told me you felt like you had been putting more effort into us.

At the time, I didn’t react, but I’ve been thinking about how angry that statement made me. Makes me, actually. I was always very open with how much I gave to that relationship. How much it meant to me. How much it affected me. But I understand that with some people, sharing everything too much equates to things not meaning anything anymore. But you out of all people should’ve known that I mean everything I say.

I felt like I gave so much. I know I gave so much. When I told you I loved you, I always meant it. Every single time. When I told you I missed you, I always meant it. I wished you were right next to me at that moment. I mentally gave so much, because to me, I wanted to. You were always on my mind, always high up on my list of priorities. I never took us for granted.

I’ve been questioning if that was the same for you. Did you start becoming complacent?

The second thing you said that day that hasn’t left my head is that you knew me pretty well. And initially, I remember not thinking much of it. So I don’t doubt that; you always knew right when I was about to cry, even over the phone. You often knew when I was mad or upset, but when I look back now, you never pushed. Which is a good thing, to an extent. But it was a bad thing sometimes too. I knew you often wanted to give me space, but sometimes I didn’t want space. I wanted you to push. To try to understand. Maybe that’s unfair of me; it probably is. I should just say I want to talk about it more, right?

But if you genuinely knew me, you would’ve known.

After two years, seven months and 12 days, I still feel like I didn’t know you. Did I ever know you at all?

When people talked shit about you, I always defended you. And I still would defend you now. But lately, I've questioned what I’m even defending. All those good qualities that I thought you had, were they even real? Of course, I know some of them were, to a certain extent. But as I look back on us, there’s a lot of doubt about whether I even knew the person I called my boyfriend for so long. I know there was a point where you cared about me, but I can’t remember when.

I often felt like I was letting you know so much about my life, but you didn’t do the same. I get that sometimes a person just wants to forget about the bad and focus on the good with a person you like for awhile. I get that. But once that was happening every damn time? That should’ve been a red flag.

June 7, 2020 (twenty eight days post break-up, outside my childhood room on the deck)

I don’t understand how you can give so much to something or someone and have it not be recognized or appreciated or enough. If I wasn’t enough for you, how will I be enough for anyone?

I hope one day you’ll truly understand how much this hurt. Not just the breakup, but feeling like I was always being pulled in a direction I didn’t always want to be pulled in. Feeling I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and never ever being able to win. I hate that I settled so much in the last year. Because I should’ve demanded more, even though deep down I knew you were never going to be able to give it to me.

I think back to our past daily texts, and I just don’t get it. At one point, we both meant the things we said to each other.

Yet we still hurt each other.

This fucking hurts.

You’ve hurt me so much, but most of it wasn’t intentional, which I think is somewhat even worse. Because I’m not totally mad at you for causing the pain. You never did anything outright to cause me pain, but I still feel like you did.

Unintentional pain almost stings more than intentional.

When I asked you out that night after we were both on an emotional high, I took a chance. For once in my life, I took the leap, knowing that I could get humiliated or hurt or just straight up shot down.

Where did it all go wrong? Or, more realistically, how did we think that we could go through the wrong when it was there at the start?

I’m trying not to blame myself too much. Trying not to tell myself that I should’ve known better.

All those times, especially at the start, when I would ask you if you genuinely liked me, you always thought I was just trying to be annoying. But you never understood that I genuinely thought that way. My self confidence from the start was lacking, and you didn’t try to understand that, because I come across to everyone as confident and self-assured.

It hurt, when you would brush things off like that. I felt like you didn’t care.

And then, it got to the point where I stopped asking that question. Part of that is because I did become more confident and you did show that you cared, and part of that was because I knew it would piss you off.

The amount of things I was scared to talk about with you because I knew it would piss you off? I don’t wish that feeling on anybody.

I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have been uncomfortable. But I was. And if you did notice like sometimes you claimed to, why didn’t you make it more comfortable for me? Was that too much to ask for?

So larger than life that at the end, you faded into just the smallest man who ever lived. Fuck you.

Was it too much to ask for when I just wanted to know why you were upset? You didn’t have to ever tell me the full story (lord knows there were times I didn’t), but was it too much to ask for something? You told me once that I’m the person you’ve told the most to. How? You barely told me anything. And when I wanted to talk to you, whether it was about growing up in Alaska or why you were in a bad mood last night, you always brushed it off. Always.

So I don’t feel so bad about feeling like I gave more effort. I gave so much of myself to you. If you really cared about me like you claimed you did, why couldn’t you show even just 1% of that care back? Or just meet me in the middle?

I could’ve tried harder to meet you in the middle, I’ll admit that. But you didn’t even give me a map or a clue how to.

I felt so fucking left in the dark. I felt left in the dark about my own fucking relationship, something that I should be completely sure about. If you really love someone and care about them, how can you leave them in the dark? How could you not even see that I was struggling to find a flashlight?

You did care about me. I know that. To some extent and at some point in time, you did care about me. But caring about someone and their well-being isn’t always enough.

Why couldn’t you have worked with me? When I was extending my hand out, why didn’t you reach for it? How can someone just be so blind? I mean, I’m practically always spelling it out for you.

Maybe I am being selfish. But fuck, I just wanted to be happy. At some point, you made me happy. When did I start making you feel like I wasn’t enough? Why wasn’t I enough for you?

It’s useless, in a way, to keep going about this. Because I know I deserve better. And we’ll both find people who are better for us. We just couldn’t be that person to each other.

I fucking loved you.

I wish it ended differently.

July 8, 2020 (fifty nine days post-breakup, in front of the lake)

I really really fucking miss you.

I do.

I miss being able to text you that i love you and not necessarily expecting a response until the next morning. I miss knowing that as soon as you wake up, you’ll text me back and assure me that yeah, you love me too.

I’m left feeling bittersweet as I look back on memories that are just splashes and not definite strokes on the canvas that used to be us.

I miss having you as a friend.

I’ve been having more urges lately to want to text you. And it isn’t even anything important. Just moments I experience throughout the day.

Do you get the urge to do the same?

July 19, 2020 (seventy days post-breakup, still in the same damn house)

It’s hard. It really is. And it kinda just hits you at random parts of the day. Sometimes I wake up from a dream that you were in and have to remind myself that it didn’t happen.

Sometimes it physically aches when I realize that you won’t ever help me put on my jacket again, or complain that my hair is in your face when we’re lying on the couch watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, or groan when I drag you up to dance with me (which you never improved on, no matter how many times I tried to teach you basic rhythm). I can’t view our song the same way anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

The other day, I read some simple thing on Twitter. I don’t even remember what it was, but I do remember that for a split second, I could see your smile in my mind. But it wasn’t just any smile. It was the smile you gave me when you took me ice skating that first time. I remember asking you what you were smiling at, and you said that you just were taking in this moment. I don’t know if you took a mental picture that day, but I know I did. That day seems so long ago now.

In almost anything I do, you somehow pop into my mind or into the conversation. And it’s not even in a harmful way either. It’s because you were part of my life for so long. I see a dog on the street, and it reminds me of how you always stopped to pet every single one we’s see I write something in my messy handwriting, and I remember how you always used to complain that you couldn’t read the notes I’d occasionally leave around your place when you went away. I went to the doctor’s the other day, and they said I was 5 feet and 3 inches, which is just definitely not true, and I almost reached for my phone to text you, because you would’ve cackled and insisted that no, I’m 5 feet 2 inches and it wouldn’t even matter because I’ll always be shorter than you. It’s simple and minute things that make me miss you that much more.

I still can’t listen to some songs the same way anymore, but I can at least listen to them now, which is a feat in itself. I was unpacking from college and found the teddy bear you sent me the first extended time we had to be apart and had to immediately put that out of my sight. From those boxes also came photos that I had decorated my dorm room with, and to be honest, I’m glad now that I let you keep our best one. I deal with all my emotions, besides writing, by making Spotify playlists, and I made a new one earlier this week. I think it’s helping. It’s a slow process, this whole moving on thing, but it’s one that I’m trying to be grateful for, because like most things in life, you just don’t truly know until you go through it.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how you are and how you’re healing. But, even though we’ve both changed since the day we met, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re incredibly strong and stubborn. I hope that you’re finding some growth in this process too.

October 17, 2020 (one hundred fifty seven days post-break up, apartment in orono)

It’s been almost 5 months, and you still cross my mind everyday.

Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why didn’t you fucking tell me what you were thinking? Why was I the one who had to approach you just because I was just so done with the silent treatment?

But I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. The mad phase passed ages ago.

Closure is a fake word. Even a breakup as mutual and smooth as ours was still left me with so many questions that will probably never be answered.

Any breakup fucks you up to some extent. I knew it was going to mess me up even back when we were together. But not like this. Never like this.

But like anything in life, I guess you can never really prepare for what you think you might feel, because most of the time, you discover a whole new side of you that you never thought existed.

I don’t miss you. I don’t. I don’t feel that love in any way anymore.

But I did once.

You did too, right?

November 15, 2020 (one hundred eighty six days post break-up, fogler library)

I hate Halloween.

Though, it did bring me to you three years ago. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you right then and there.

Three years later, you texted me on Halloween, five months after our breakup. The universe really, really wanted to fuck with me.

It was a tough night for you. I knew that. Because I know how you are after losing a game you should’ve won. But that didn’t mean that I owed you anything and had to respond.

We agreed on no contact if we ever wanted to stay friends. Clearly, friends is out of the picture now, but come on. A vulnerable text after a bad night because you know I would feel bad for you?

Fuck, you know how much I would hate that. You had to have known.

Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean that everything about you just disappears. I still know your tendencies. I still know exactly how my head burrows into your chest during a hug. I still know the actions I used to do that would be followed by you attacking me with a hug. I still could point you out in a crowd.

I looked for you in every crowd for years.

That stuff doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I want it to. But fuck. Fuck. Why did you text me?

I don’t regret how I handled it. I probably would’ve responded months ago. But just like you, I’ve grown these last couple of months.

It was comforting, for a split second, to know that maybe, just maybe, these past couple of months have been hard for you too. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

I’m glad you texted me. You gave me another level of closure I hadn’t known that I needed until then.

But fuck, dude. You know me better than that. You should know me better than that.

I hate Halloween.

November 26, 2020 (one hundred ninety seven days, at the coffee shop i brought you to when you came home with me two years ago)

I don’t regret loving you, but I hate you for what you did to me.

Or maybe not.

I hate knowing that even though we haven’t been in a relationship in a bit, it feels like sometimes, you’re on my mind the exact same amount when we were dating. I hate knowing that I gave so much of myself and my love to you, and it always felt unrecognized.

Fuck, will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to have to stop myself from thinking about you? Will it ever stop?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy it.

June 12, 2021 (three hundred ninety five days post-break up, in boston, visiting a friend)

Tonight, when a friend asked me about you and how I felt about how we ended, I was able to articulate my thoughts clearly. I’m really proud of myself for getting to a point where I can take the lessons I learned the few months after we broke up and acknowledge them in a succinct way without breaking down into tears. Just watery eyes and the occasional voice crack

I’m also proud that I can say that when we were dating, I lost a bit of myself. For months, it was really hard to admit out loud.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, I wish I could call or text you about it, because I think you’d be proud too. And I know I’d be proud of you. I am, to be honest. I do break resolve once in awhile and check on you through various avenues.

I still haven’t seen you in person since the last time COVID made us say goodbye. Maybe I never will again. But day by day, I’m starting to accept that and be okay with it. I’m accepting that memories that used to be so painted in my mind are blurry or almost completely erased now. But that’s okay. Honestly, it’s probably for the best.

I wonder, when you think about it, if you think about different moments that I do. That’s the thing when something ends. You have to be okay with letting go of those moments and realizing that just because you forget them, doesn’t mean they weren’t important.

I don’t think I miss you. I hesitate in saying that. Because I’ve moved on and handled the aftermath of it better than I think both of us ever thought I could. When you hung up the phone for the last time, I proved to myself again that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I think we all are. But we don’t realize it until we’re thrown into a situation that we think we’ll never be able to overcome.

But we do. Whether it’s because we’re forced to because there’s no other option, it doesn’t matter. Because we get through. We move on.

I hope you're moving on.

And then it goes into other topics, graduating during a pandemic specifically and losing what’s supposed to be your last year of no responsibilities before adulthood. There are other poems in here that reference a past relationship, but not as much as these eight.

If there’s one thing that Noelle did change, it was taking out the details. Jeremy may have hurt her, but he doesn’t deserve someone possibly making a connection between these poems and their shared background. She’s not a famous author by any means, but she wanted to be careful.

Not that she makes that part of her life publicly known. People don’t need to know that her brother was Jeremy’s captain for two years at Maine and that’s how they met.

Noelle grew up going to rinks. She hasn’t gone to one since they broke up.

But also, what the fuck? It’s been five years since she’s dated the guy. She really is over it by now, even if his rise to stardom in the Bruins flittering on her social media feeds still sometimes has her swallowing a bit before she can continue with her day.

Brooklyn is far enough from Boston. But sometimes it feels like it’s right outside her door.

She’s proud of her first published work. She really is. People believed in her and after numerous notes swapped back and forth with her editor, she did it. She always knew she wanted to work in publishing. She never knew she herself would publish anything.

And here she is now, two weeks after the book release, in Boston, about to do a q&a and a signing. Apparently, “miscellaneous” has been on top of numerous lists and it’s flying off the shelves. Noelle can’t really believe it and tries not to think about it too much, trusting her agent with all of that.

She’s happy to talk about her work and process though. That she can handle. And she’s grateful for all the love.

After a signing at a local bookstore, she decides to walk the 20 minutes home in the Boston fall. It’s a bit brisk, but she doesn’t mind and she just wanders, belly filled with delicious sushi she inhaled for dinner with an old friend.

Of course it happens the one time during her walk when she doesn’t avoid eye contact with someone. The song playing in her earbuds fade out of her focus and she almost stumbles.

Jeremy’s eyes were always Noelle’s favorite thing about him. She thought she would’ve forgotten what they looked like by now. But clearly she hasn’t.

Her eyes quickly cast to the person next to him. It’s definitely a girl. They’re a bit too far away for Noelle to pick out details. But it’s enough. He’s walking on the side closest to the street. It’s a Friday Night in a bustling part of the city.

It hurts. She wishes it didn’t.

Even from far away, she sees his eyes blink in recognition. Noelle puts her head back down and walks faster.

(She cries in the shower when she gets back to the hotel. She had debated feeling super sorry for herself and going to the hotel bar but refrained)

She has a few free days in Boston before flying back to New York. When she wakes up the next morning, she debates on going home early. But no, she won’t let a three second glance at someone ruin her time here. She used to occasionally come here during her college days. She loves this city.

The city may be Jeremy’s, but she can make space for herself here too.

She takes her time at a cafe, people watching and eating some breakfast. As she takes her coffee to-go, she looks out the window at the bookstore she was in the night before for the signing. She almost drops her coffee.

Jeremy walks into the book store.

Now, Noelle is debating her options. What she should do is continue with her day and walk in the opposite direction. But she’s always been too nosy for her own good. And maybe a bit self destructive. She decides to leave the cafe and cross the street immediately, so impatient to where she’s almost tapping her foot as the pedestrian signal stays red.

As a writer, she’s no stranger to movie moments. The scenes written in books or movies where the timing is too accurate to be real. The situation too good to be true. But after a car speeds through an orange and she can finally walk, she stops in her tracks instead, feet glued down to the sidewalk.

Because Jeremy is right in front of her on the other side of the street. Her book in his hand. And he’s looking right at her.

The first feeling she can recognize in herself is anger. Anger at the way their relationship panned out. Anger at the way they ended. Anger at the radio silence the years following. Anger at him for everything. Angry at herself for everything.

The second feeling is, weirdly, shame, which she’s embarrassed by. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. But she feels it anyways.

The third, and perhaps the most prominent, is emptiness. Five fucking years later, and she’s brought back to the emptiness she felt immediately after they broke up. The emptiness that the person you loved isn’t yours anymore — who maybe wasn’t ever yours to begin with.

Before she can run, he’s already crossed the street to her. He looks naturally different as someone who you haven’t seen in five years would. But he also heartbreakingly looks the same.

“We should get out of people’s way,” Noelle manages to chokes out.

Jeremy laughs a bit. Her heart lurches. “Yeah.” He starts walking and she follows him wordlessly. This is his city after all.

He leads them to a bench under a tree with beautiful fall foliage. She puts at least a foot between them as they both sit down, staring out at the people passing. She can’t take the silence.

“I see you bought my book.”

“I did,” he replies evenly. “Congratulations. I always knew you would do it.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe if she squeezes hard enough she’ll forget when she originally pitched Jeremy the bare bones idea of the exact same book that’s currently in his hand. “Thank you. Congratulations to you too. On everything.”

“You’ve been watching?”

She shakes her head. “No. But, you know Seth and…yeah. It comes up during family calls sometimes.”

“Why didn’t you say hi last night?”

She looks pointedly at a couple walking their dog. “You seemed busy.”

“She wasn’t-that-it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh. Because that makes me feel so much better,” she spits out, before taking a deep breath. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. We broke up ages ago.”

“I’m sorry,” she gives him a look and is slightly proud of how he seems to shrink into himself a bit. “I-I know it’s five years too late. I know I didn’t handle it as well as I should’ve. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

The thing is, Noelle always thought that maybe hearing an apology someday would make her feel better. But now that’s heard it, she’s not sure she does.

She swallows. “I appreciate that.”

“I’ve already read it, you know.”

“Read what?”

Jeremy runs a hand through his hair. “Your book. One of my teammate’s girlfriend recommended it and I asked to borrow it. It’s fantastic,” He looks down at the book in his hand. It’s like the cover is taunting her. “I wanted my own copy.”

“Oh.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me off the hook with the poems I know were about me,” he scoffs, shaking his head at himself. “You could’ve written way worse.”

She can’t help but let out a chuckle. “I thought I was pretty mean.”

“Your definition of ‘pretty mean’ is tame compared to a lot of people,” he says, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the book. “You were always the kindest person, even when you shouldn’t have been..”

He puts his hand out in her direction, the hand with the book in it. She furrows her eyebrows. “What-”

“Could I get a signed copy?”

“Jeremy. What do you want from me?”

He sighs, taking his hand back. “A chance to apologize?”

“You’ve already done that.”

“Not in the way I want to and what you deserve.”

She lets out a sigh, turning to face him fully. “I don’t know if that would be worth my time or yours. I know the book just came out, but that was five years ago. I’m over it. Forgive and forget, right?”

“But do you?” Jeremy counters back. “Clearly, you don’t forget, which I deserve. But forgive?”

“We’re just going in circles now.”

“No we’re not,” he says firmly. “You’re just shutting me down because you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve had five years to prepare what I would say to you if I saw you again. You’re telling me you haven’t?”

“Of course I have,” Noelle tips her head back. “But also, what’s the point?”

“The point, is that I still love you.”

“Fuck you,” she says in a strained voice. “You can’t just-you can’t just throw that shit out there. Fuck you.”

He bites his lip, and to her annoyance, he laughs. But she listens more carefully, and it sounds very self deprecating. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah,” Noelle looks down at her feet. “So…what? You still love me?”

“I do.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“What are you going to let me do?”

“I live in Brooklyn.”

“I know,” she whips her head up. Jeremy looks sheepish, which she didn’t even think was something he knew how to do. “Seth mentioned it when we caught up a bit ago. I also still follow you on Instagram.”

She tries again. “It’s been five years.”

“And I’m here sitting with you and still feel the exact same way I did back then. Even more, to be honest.” He eyes her pointedly. “Any more excuses?”

Her voice softens. “You really hurt me.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry, Noelle.”

“I hurt you too.”

He shrugs. “We were young and stupid.”

“And we’re still not?” Noelle says with a snort before swallowing. “I’m not the same person you fell in love with.”

“I’m sure I’m not either. But I don’t know if there’s a world where I don’t love every version of you.”

“Even after reading the book?”

“Especially after reading the book,” he sighs. “Noelle, I know this is unfair of me. All of this. And I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to reach out. But I always intended to. And then you’re here? And I see you twice in two days? I’d be an idiot to not try. More of an idiot than I am, anyways.”

“Try for what?”

“A second chance? To be friends? Whatever you want.” He suddenly deflates. “Even if you don’t want anything to do with me. At least I’ll know.”

“Why did you never text me?”

“I thought about it a lot,” he admits. “I tried once, actually, after the high of a really good win. But it didn’t go through. I got the message.”

“The message?”

“You blocked me, right?”

Oh. “Yeah,” she lies. “I did.” She reaches into her bag for a pen and gestures for the book, which he gives to her, a curious gleam in his eyes. “I’m in Boston for two more days, including today.”

He takes the hint immediately. Eagerly. “I have a game tonight, but I’m free tomorrow.”

“Who are you guys playing?”

“Toronto. And I’m starting. Should be a good one.”

She hums non-committedly, scribbling on the inside of the front cover. She hands it back to him with a small, close-lipped smile. She nods at him to read the message.

to my first fan,

i still love you too.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

yours,

noelle

He looks up, eyes shining but a bit confused.

“I never blocked you. I just changed my number.”

“Oh.”

“And even if I still love you, I’m still mad at you.”

“I know. I’d be more surprised if you weren’t.”

She stands up, adjusting the bag on her shoulder and putting her sunglasses on. “Text me?”

His mouth splits wide into a grin. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

She backs away with one last attempt at a smile before turning down the street.

#k writes #hockey fanfiction #nhl #nhl fanfiction #nhl fanfic #nhl writing #hockey blurb #hockey writing #boston bruins #jeremy swayman #jeremy swayman blurb #jeremy swayman writing #jeremy swayman fic #jeremy swayman fanfiction #jeremy swayman x ofc #jeremy swayman x oc #jeremy swayman x reader

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destieltropecollection · 7 months ago

Text

Destiel Trope Collection 2024 | Day 9: Empty Rescue

his and mine are the same | @cascigarette Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 1,510 Main Tags/Warnings: Post Canon Fix-It, Dean Winchester Has Abandonment Issues, Alcohol, First Kiss, Newly Human Castiel, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel and Dean Winchester Use their Words Summary: Dean rescues Cas from the Empty. They end up having to talk about that final confession.

Two lesbians, two bicons, and their cat walk into super turbohell | @nuttysaladtree Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 2,038 Main Tags/Warnings: crossover with She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, the Empty, Fix-it, first kiss Summary: And they bury one person and zero gays. 15x20 "Carry On" finale fix-it that Castiel deserves. Mentioned Bow/Glimmer. Sam Winchester shows up, too, as well as the OTP Dean x pie. Melog is best kitty, and good riddance to the Empty/Shadow/Cosmic Entity and Horde Prime.

sometimes you just don't know the answer (wait for me) | @cassiecasyl Rating: General Word Count: 7,992 Main Tags/Warnings: Canonical Character Death, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Grief/Mourning, Album: evermore (Taylor Swift), Grieving Dean Winchester, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Alternate Ending, Inspired by Orpheus and Eurydice (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Reunion, Castiel in the Empty (Supernatural), Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Angst, Hope vs. Despair, Love Confessions, Angst with a Happy Ending, Inspired by Hadestown, Song: Doubt Comes In, The Fates (Hadestown) Cameo, First Kiss, Reunions, Epic Love Summary: As Dean grieves, Jack tells them of an old story, one that has been told and sung over and over again anyway. Two lovers challenge the universe to escape death. They walk the long way home, but the one in front is not allowed to turn around for the whole way. Every entity of grand power knows this, for the pact has to be respected were it ever to be attempted again. Of course, Dean goes to find Castiel, because if anyone can do this, it's them.

Can't Stop Lovin' You | @teeparadigm67 Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 9,512 Main Tags/Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Castiel is Saved from the Empty, First Kiss, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Happy Ending, Fix-It, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, Dean Winchester Saves Castiel from the Empty Summary: On paper, the plan seemed simple. Jack opens the portal between the worlds. Dean walks into the Empty and makes it loud enough to wake the dead. Drag Cas’s feathery ass out of there. Simple, right? Cloaked in Cas’s grace, tape deck in hand with Van Halen blasting out its little speaker, he plans to bring the angel home and tell Cas all the things left unspoken between them for all these years. Now they have a chance, he can’t throw this all away. The only problem is, the Empty has other ideas. It doesn't stop Dean however, it’s his turn to be the one who drags Cas out of perdition. Inspired by: Van Halen - Can't Stop Lovin' You

Bring Me To Life | @Taymarpigeon Rating: Explicit Word Count: 10,960 Main Tags/Warnings: Post-Canon Fix-It, Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gratuitous Smut, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Dean Winchester Calls Castiel "Angel", Bottom Dean Winchester/Top Castiel (Supernatural), Interrupting Sam Winchester Summary: In 2008 Dean Winchester met a man who changed everything; he says a man, Castiel Angel of the Lord was so much more than a man and not just because of the whole halo and wings thing. November 5th 2020 Castiel sacrificed himself to save Dean and by extension the world, but not before turning the hunter's life upside down one last time. In 2025 Dean was... moving on, let's put it that way. He hadn't forgotten Cas, spending the past five years trying to be all the things the Angel said he was in that teary goodbye. He put one foot in front of the other, day by day, because as Frank Devereaux once said: 'that's what you do'. This life only ends one way for most hunters though and Dean was no exception. Skip four months into the future and he's back, only this time he's done playing by the rules, done pretending his life didn't end with Cas that day in the dungeon. He's done. Time to do what he should have from the beginning...

stay | @thisisapaige Rating: Explicit Word Count: 15,073 Main Tags/Warnings: Fix-It, Post-Canon, Minor Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Light Angst, Happy Ending Summary: Standing on the bridge beside his brother, Dean looks around. Something’s wrong. Because this Heaven, this place Dean supposedly deserves, just seems so... empty.

The Little Issue with the Mission to Perdition | @amaranthhiding Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 16,460 Main Tags/Warnings: Canon Universe, Post-Ep 15x19, Jack and Amara Try Fixing Things Together But Make Everything Worse (at first), Amara is Part of Team Free Will, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Temporary Major Character Death, Angst with Happy Ending, First Kiss, DCRB 2023 Summary: Chuck is defeated and his power now belongs to Jack and Amara. They struggle with adjusting to their newly-shared existence, and with big questions such as, how can (almost) all-powerful beings avoid becoming what Chuck was? What even is all that power good for when it doesn't allow Jack to save someone from the Empty who absolutely deserves being saved? Who thought it was a good idea to hand all that power to two beings who, together, have spent less years on Earth than the average human child? ...And why is there suddenly black goo everywhere?

Until the Moss Had Reached Our Lips | @alulangel Rating: Mature Word Count: 20,543 Main Tags/Warnings: Fix-It, Everybody Lives, Lake House, Saved from the Empty, Groundhog Day Loop, Castiel’s True Form, Castiel’s handprint, Creepy forests, Inappropriate use of pie Summary: After everything with Chuck went down, Dean thought he deserved some time off. Not a retirement, just a break. A little cabin by a lake. Fishing. Baking. Time to process and reflect. Except he doesn't remember exactly how he got there. And he doesn't know why he can't leave. And there's something about the woods around the cabin, creeping closer and closer and closer every day...

one working part | @mittensmorgul Rating: Explicit Word Count: 40,051 Main Tags/Warnings: Inspired by It's a Wonderful Life (1946) Episode Fix-It: s15e19 Inherit the Earth (Supernatural) Angst and Fluff and Smut POV Alternating Not Canon Compliant with Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth (Supernatural), Human Castiel Summary: Wherein they actually inherit the earth. Again. Because I will never be done retelling the end of their story in more sensible and satisfying ways. This time, via the power of a classic holiday film... with a slightly demonic twist.

Empty Earth (WIP) | @amaranthhiding Rating: No Rating Word Count: 102,437 Main Tags/Warnings: Post-15x18, Epic, Plotty, Angel True Forms, Consensual Possession, Enochian, Apocalypse, Rebellion in Hell, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Witch!Sam, Destiel and Samwena, Jack & his three fathers, Crowley & Jack Summary: After Castiel's confession, Dean carries a spark of hope telling him this can't be the end. This spark is the strongest weapon for Dean, Sam and Jack in this final war. The enemy is God. The battlefield is an Earth devoid of humans, a Hell in rebellion against its queen, and a Heaven betrayed by its creator. And the stakes are everything and everyone they have ever cared about.

#destiel trope collection #destiel trope collection 2024 #destiel #fanfic #supernatural #empty rescue

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charmac · 6 months ago

Note

just wanna say I agree wholeheartedly with your tags on that fandom post. I have been following sunny on here since 2015 and there is a constant cycle of sensitive, and frankly delusional people, who claim the show, make crazy headcanons and justifications to make it tolerable and acceptable to them before they eventually shun and condemn the show altogether. it was very bad in 2018 and made me withdraw from the fandom lmao. I remember being most annoyed with the endless woobifying of charlie and the absolute condemnation of dee above everyone else. like, they're all bad. that's the point of the show. I just don't understand how they could stomach it in the first place

You are a warrior, dude.

The reason it took me so long to join Sunnyblr in the first place was the fact that ~early 2020 I was rarely seeing anything here that was based in canon, mostly weird headcanons that made no sense to me, and Reddit genuinely seemed like a more based place to exist for this show.

I literally needed a friend to give me specific accounts to follow because the tag was (and, sorry, lowkey still is) a nightmare. (Though to be fair I’ve been in fandoms on Tumblr for over a decade and literally never liked scrolling tags.)

I got into Sunny and I fell in love with Sunny because of canon. Because it’s so fucking weird and fucked up but it’s FUNNY, and there’s genuinely nothing like it. The characters are horrible stupid terrible people but they’re actually deeply complex and rich to study, so much so that you feel extremely compelled in a multitude of ways to dedicate yourself to some part of them, or all parts of them. But.. if you strip them of those core identities, of what the characters stand for, that compulsion is gone, void, irrelevant.

Because it’s the extremely raw, almost purely acting on basic instinct, unfiltered humanity, worst parts of the self, inability to recognise or follow societal norms aspects of these characters that are relatable. It’s relatable in a way that *should* make you uncomfortable, feel unsettled, and maybe a little relieved that these parts of people can be acknowledged... That’s a unique and interesting feeling, something people engage with media like this to explore and expand upon, and it’s often something that genuinely helps or supports people who wrestle with a lot of the heavy concepts Sunny satirises (and sometimes just, shoves at you head on).

When people start to disregard all of this, for whatever reason they do, that’s when you end up with the Fandom using Sunny Characters as an “ability to project” or (much worse) a “near blank canvas to play with” (because, yeah, if you strip them of their literal reason for being created and continued existence, ofc you lose their whole identity!?)

The problem seems to be that either 1) they just don’t understand the show well enough to get that they’re disregarding this aspect of the plots and characters, and so they genuinely don’t recognise that the fandom for Sunny exists because of these terrible compulsions and insane trauma exploration and that’s why we enjoy discussing and playing with these characters or 2) they do understand this but they can’t engage with it without some kind of personal moral conundrum or extreme discomfort, so they have to sanitise or completely alter the characters to enjoy them.

The thing is, if you fall into category 2, you just don’t belong in the depths of it all, and it’s an unfortunate truth you have to face. If you cannot enjoy canon, if the actual show makes you extremely uncomfortable and you’re only here for a gay ship or to project your gender and sexuality onto one character, you need to go stan something else. I say that with the greatest intentions for you. As Anon here has stated, it’s an insane cycle in this fandom over and over, you’re just going to upset yourself and resent the show and the people here, because we like the canon and the fuckery because that’s what the show is for. That is the literal point of the show at the end of the day.

Now if you’re in category 1, I heavily encourage you to actually *talk to people about the show and the characters*, read analysis, watch the episodes with different frames of reference and in alternate states of mind. Do your own analysis or character work, try and just write out the plot of your favourite episode and put to words *why* you like it. Hell, try and write a fanfic or a spec script from the mind of one of the characters, even if you think you can’t write.

Honestly, honestly, honestly, if you genuinely like this show at face value but you’re only engaging with fanon because you feel like you ‘shouldn’t’ openly enjoy the canon because it’s seen as ‘bad,’ the best thing you can do is have a conversation with someone, or multiple people, who get the show.

That being said, I do wanna open this shell Discord I’ve made to people. For people who *enjoy* the canon, who want to discuss actual Sunny (and also have fun with it, of course!) you’re welcome to join.

A lot of you get it. I’ve made some amazing friends in this fandom and regularly have extremely stimulating and insanely throught provoking convos with the people I’ve met here. I love it, it drives my insane passion for this show and I am eternally grateful to have found people who love this show for what it is. I hope, if you’re struggling to figure out why you like this show or struggling to accept that you like media like Sunny, you reach out or join a conversation and learn to love it too. And if you don’t, if you genuinely hate the canon of this show and only like the version of Macdennis you saw in a dozen different Tiktok edits to Taylor Swift songs, I really hope you move on for your own sake.

#iasip #main tag fuck it #ask #and i’ll say in the tags here #macdennis would be ‘proship’ in literally any other fandom #accept it and make peace with it okay?#all of their canon moments are non con or dubcon at best #and that’s FUCKING FINE THATS WHY ITS APPEALING.#this is not the fluffy gay ship you want #and you’re just gonna get hurt when canon continues to canon #sorry for formatting i’m at the office so i had to notes app this #also im at the office so bare with me if you’re joining the discord rn lol #but i wanted to respond to this #and also i have nothing to do at work rn lol

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lemoncrushh · 6 months ago

Text

Friends Don't

Summary: Harry and Gabriella have been good friends for a few years. But neither of them knows the feelings the other has.

Warnings: Just some smut at the end. 18+ ONLY.

Word Count: 7.8k

A/N: Inspired by the song by Maddie & Tae. Real Harry x OC. Written in first person. Originally posted in 2020.

"Gabs..." I faintly heard in the distance as thick strands of sleep threatened to pull from my heavy eyelids. I thought I was still dreaming, so I rolled over, hoping to continue the fantastic scenario I was already starting to forget.

"Gabby," I heard again, much clearer this time, and I knew I was no longer on the red carpet next to my new BFFs Lizzo and Alexa Chung.

A hand tapped me on my shoulder, and with a groan, I lifted my comforter over my head, hoping to return to flashing lights and high heels, but for which event I was unsure.

"GABRIELLA!" the determined voice shouted, pulling the covers from my grip and forcing me to blink several times.

"What the fuck?" I pouted, finally realizing the light was not from cameras but from my roommate's cell phone.

"God, you sleep like the dead!" exclaimed Angie. "I can't believe you can't hear your phone."

"I have it on vibrate," I muttered sleepily, my eyes still mere slits as I tried to reach for my cell on my nightstand.

"So, I can hear it from the bathroom!" my roommate continued. "It's been going off for like the last fucking hour! Somebody's obviously trying to get a hold of you."

"You've been in the bathroom for an hour?" I asked smugly, knowing she had been exaggerating in typical Angie fashion. I didn't need to look at her to know she was rolling her eyes.

"Oh!" I sounded when I inspected the screen. "It's Harry!"

With a huff, Angie crossed her arms. "Doesn't he know some people sleep at night?"

"He's in London," I told her. "It's already morning there."

"Even worse," she spat. "He's famous but still doesn't know about time differences."

"Shh," I waved her off as I tried to listen to the voicemail Harry had left. With another look of disgust, Angie turned for the bathroom that separated our rooms.

"G'night, Gabs. Tell your boyfriend to get a watch," I heard her say before shutting the door behind her.

Shaking my head, I caught the tail end of Harry's message, then played it back once more.

"Gabs, it's me!" he greeted, sounding chipper. I sometimes hated him for his effortless ability to be pleasant before 10AM. "I just...wanted to talk to you. You're probably asleep, sorry. Sometimes I forget. Give me a ring if you're still awake though. 'Bye."

Though that was the only voicemail he'd left, I had three missed calls from him, and two texts.

Hey! Are you there?

Call me when you get this.

Eager to hear what news Harry had to tell me, I pressed the screen to call his number. He answered after the first ring.

"There you are!" he announced.

"Here I am," I giggled, sitting up in bed. I wasn't sure why, but I always seemed to sit up when talking to Harry, like it was an important meeting. I suppose in a way, it was. Conversations with him, though usually light-hearted were some of my favorites, and I liked to give them my full attention.

"Did I wake you?" he asked.

"No, Angie did," I jabbed. "To tell me my phone was ringing."

"Oh, shit," Harry groaned. "Sorry, love."

I laughed. "No worries. What's up?"

"Not much. 'm leaving for the airport soon."

"Oh!" I sounded. "I thought you were flying to LA tomorrow."

"Nope, today."

"Wait..." I shook my head. "It is tomorrow there."

I heard Harry's low chuckle as I mentally cursed my stupidity. Angie would be happy to know Harry was not the only one who had a lack of time zone knowledge.

"So what else?" I inquired. "Anything exciting?"

"No, not really."

"No?" I furrowed my brows in confusion. "Why'd you call?"

"I dunno..." Harry paused. "Just felt like saying hi."

"Oh," I felt my heart jump in my chest.

"I just missed you."

"Oh," I said just above a whisper. "I miss you too."

I heard Harry hum softly which only managed to send butterflies to my stomach.

Harry and I had been friends for a while. When I had only been living in LA for a little over a year, I had lucked out on getting invited to my first celebrity party through a friend of an acquaintance. Though I'd spent most of the evening ducking behind plants and drinking more than my share of vodka, I had managed to meet a handful of people, including Harry Styles and his One Direction bandmates. Through the years Harry and I had managed to stay in touch and form a long-lasting friendship for which I had a large fondness. I never told him I used to have a massive crush on him, however, as I didn't want to lose what we had.

"I have work to do when I get to LA," Harry said, "but then I have two days off. We should...hang out, yeah?"

"Yeah," I breathed, then cleared my throat. "Yeah, that sounds good."

"Great." I could literally hear his smile through the phone, as if that's possible. "I'll let you get back to sleep. I'll call you when I get in, okay?"

"Okay."

"Sweet dreams, Gabby."

"Goodnight, Harry."

Disconnecting the call, I returned my phone to the nightstand and crawled back under the covers. I laid awake for Lord knows how long, wondering why Harry had decided to call me in the middle of the night just to say hi. Even if he had forgotten about the time zones, he had never done that before. More than likely he would have waited until he was in LA, and it would have been a quick text to ask if I wanted to meet him somewhere for coffee or drinks. We were only friends, after all, not...together.

Somehow, the heavy cloud of sleep finally fell over me again and I was taken back to dreamland. This time, however, I didn't dream about a red carpet event or my wishful buddies Alexa and Lizzo. This time...I dreamt of green eyes and brown curls, soft lips curled up to meet dimples and inked skin on arms that held me close. And I only wished I wouldn't wake up.

"Gaaaabbyyyy!" Harry shouted into the phone. "How are you, love?"

I laughed, recognizing my friend's drunken voice. One thing I loved about Harry, he was a happy drunk.

"I'm okay, Harry, where are you?"

"I dunno," he said matter of factly. "Some party. I forget who it's for."

"Jeez, must be nice," I quipped.

"Honestly, I wish you were here with me. It would be more fun."

I chuckled again. "I doubt that."

"I don't. Why aren't you here?" he asked with a slight pout in his tone.

"I wasn't invited."

"Oh yeah. Sorry. I should have invited you. You could have been my date."

While his words made my stomach flip, I knew he didn't mean them literally.

Since Harry had been back in LA, we'd hung out together almost every free chance he'd gotten. We'd had lunch and dinner together a couple of days in a row, went shopping to a string of vintage shops that were his favorites, and he even let me check out a studio where he was putting some finishing touches on a song he was working on. When he'd leisurely mentioned going to a party this weekend, I had only let the possibility that he'd ask me to go flitter through my mind briefly before dismissing it. He was a busy musician and celebrity, and certainly under no obligation to bring me as a tag along to such an event. I hadn't even bothered to ask him for whom it was, or if it was entertainment or charity related.

Just then I heard another male voice greeting Harry, and Harry saying "Hey, man!" They exchanged a few more words until Harry returned with a cordial and unnecessary apology.

"Well, it sounds like you're having fun," I commented.

"Eh, party's starting to die down," said Harry. "Think I might leave soon. Can I come by yours?"

"Mine?" I gulped. "Um...what for?"

"Mmm...so I can see you?"

"Well...I mean..." I stumbled, my eyes darting around my room and landing on the unmade bed and pile of clothes in the chair, the collection of empty water bottles on my nightstand and dresser. I hadn't bothered to put a stitch of make-up on that day, and I was wearing an old sweatshirt and shorts, my hair up in a loose bun.

"I wasn't really prepared for company," I continued. "And you just saw me the other day..."

I heard Harry giggle and for a second I thought he might be pulling my leg.

"Never mind. That was a dumb idea. It's late," he said.

"Yeah, it is." I sighed, not a hundred percent sure if it was relief or disappointment.

"Are you going to bed soon?"

"Probably."

"Then I'll say goodnight," Harry offered softly.

"Okay."

"Call you tomorrow?"

"Of course," I grinned, unable to stop it if I tried. "Please don't drive, okay?"

Harry giggled again. "Wouldn't dream of it."

"Good," I said.

"I have a driver. But I like that you care about me, Gabs."

I bit my lip, grateful he couldn't see my face. "Goodnight, Harry. Enjoy the rest of your evening."

"Goodnight, Gabby. I love- I mean, talk to you tomorrow."

My hand shook as I disconnected the call. Was he about to say...? Nah. My friend had had a few too many and was feeling good. That's all it was. Right?

"So, what do you think?" Harry asked me.

He'd brought me to the studio again after a late breakfast where he'd told me the song he'd been working on was finally finished and he wanted me to hear it. I sat on the leather sofa behind him while he sat at the soundboard. I'd listened to almost the entire song with my eyes closed, letting the music surround me and fill my senses. When the song ended, I wanted to pop my eyes open and scream to him how amazing and wonderfully talented he was, but instead I bit my tongue and decided on a different approach.

"Not bad," I commented, straight faced.

Taken aback, Harry frowned. I watched his nose twitch before he scratched it, then looked away from me and back again.

"Not bad?"

"Yeah, it's a pretty good song." This time, I couldn't look him in the eye, so I brought my foot up to my other leg and pretended to inspect my shoelace. "I like it."

"You're shitting me, right?" he asked, using a phrase he'd heard me use far too often.

Unable to contain my composure any longer, I burst out laughing, throwing my hands up.

"Of course I am, Harry! Are you fucking kidding? It's incredible! You're incredible!"

I saw Harry's chest fall as he let out a breath.

"God, you had me for a second," he chuckled, shaking his head.

"Okay, okay, let's be real," I offered, waving my hands in front of me. "You're like off the charts good, alright? That's a given."

"Pppfff" Harry sounded, rolling his eyes.

"No, no, it's true. And you know it. Pretty much anything you put out is going to be great. But..."

When I didn't continue, Harry lifted a brow. "But what?"

"But this..." I raised my shoulders and held out my hands, "I don't know, it's like you just keep getting better. You can't lose. Everything you reach for, you achieve it. And I'm so fucking proud of you."

I could feel myself starting to get a little choked up at my own words, knowing they were absolutely true. Harry rose from his chair then and sat next to me on the sofa. He looked me in the eye as the most gorgeous smile spread across his face and he held out his arms. With no other words spoken, I turned and leaned into him, letting him pull me into a warm hug.

"Thanks, baby," he murmured against my hair.

At least, I thought he said baby. He might have said Gabby, and I've been known to get the two confused before. I didn't think I heard the Gab part though, and I might have just been hearing what I wanted to. Regardless, my insides were a mess when he pulled back and kissed my cheek. His gaze was mesmerizing as he continued to look me in the eye, and for a moment I hoped he would inch just a bit closer so our lips would touch.

I caught the corners of his mouth moving as he lifted a hand from my back to brush away a strand of hair from my face. My own hands were still at his waist from the hug that seemed to linger between us until I heard a noise and I jumped. The door to the soundbooth opened and I looked up to see Tyler.

"Oh, hey there Gabby, didn't know you were coming today."

"Just wanted her opinion on the track we finished," Harry explained for me as I tried to gather myself.

"Oh yeah? What'd ya think?" asked Tyler.

"Phenomenal, of course," I replied, catching Harry's smirk out of the corner of my eye. I was glad he didn't mention my teasing.

"Well, consider yourself lucky," said Tyler. "You're the first person to hear it."

"I am?" I asked incredulously. Then I looked at Harry. "You didn't tell me that!"

Harry shrugged, his smirk turning into a grin.

"And here I thought I was being sly and cheeky."

Harry laughed then, took my hand and rose from the couch, pulling me with him. We both exchanged goodbyes with Tyler, Harry stating he'd be back later that evening. It wasn't until we got outside to his car that I noticed he was still holding my hand.

"What was that?" I inquired.

"Wha'?" he glared at me innocently.

"You let me hear your finished song before anyone else?"

"Yeah. Thought you'd like it."

"Well, of course I did, but that's beside the point," I argued.

Stepping closer to me so that I was trapped between him and the car, Harry reached in his pocket with his free hand and pulled out his keys, his eyes locked with mine the entire time.

"And what's the point, Gabs?" he asked low, pressing the key fob.

"Nothing. Just that it's...special."

A grin grew on Harry's handsome face again, hitting a nerve I hadn't felt before.

"Exactly," he agreed, finally releasing my hand to reach around and open the car door for me.

Staring at him for a moment, I reluctantly climbed inside, locking my seatbelt when he shut the door and walked around to his side.

We drove in silence for what felt like an eternity until I broke the tension and said something.

"Thank you, Harry."

"You're welcome," he said.

"You're right, it was very special. I just wasn't expecting to be the first. Not even your mom or sister, or any of your other friends have heard it yet?"

"Nope. Only Jeffrey and Tyler and the band."

"Oh," I mouthed, feeling the butterflies again.

"I only just put it on my phone. But I wanted you to hear it in the studio since you were with me when we were finishing it. So actually, you got to hear it even before it was complete."

"Yeah, but that was just a snippet," I remarked. I wasn't sure where I was going with this. I wasn't trying to argue with him. I just couldn't fathom being the first person he wanted to hear his new music.

"Anyway," I added. "It was very nice of you to share it with me. I feel special."

With another grin, Harry reached across the console and patted my leg. I nearly came unglued when his fingers lingered a little longer and brushed my upper thigh. Electricity shot up my spine and I had to bite my lip to keep from gasping for air.

I must have been gazing out the window when Harry decided to disturb the silence and turn on the radio. I hummed along to a familiar song until I noticed Harry was getting off the freeway, a couple of exits before mine.

"Are we going somewhere else?" I asked, looking at him for the first time since he'd touched me.

"No," he shook his head. "Just thought I'd go this way."

"But...we'll hit way more lights," I said.

Harry chuckled. "You have somewhere to be?"

"No," I furrowed my brow. "It's just...longer."

"Sometimes longer is better."

I stared at his profile for a moment before I started laughing, which soon turned into a cackle. I had to cover my mouth so keep from sounding like a goofy hyena. As I was leaning over, I felt a hand on my back.

"Take it easy, love, it wasn't that funny," conveyed Harry, although I could hear the humor in his voice.

"I know, but I can't stop laughing," I croaked.

"Breathe, babe!"

Harry rubbed my back as I tried to catch my breath, but his babe remark wasn't helping.

"Need me to pull over?"

"No..." I gasped, sitting up. "No, I'm fine now."

Pushing my hair from my face, I tried my best to keep the giggles at bay. Then I took a deep breath and let it out.

"Sorry, Gabs," said Harry. "Didn't mean to get you going there. I just meant sometimes it's nice to take the long way home."

"Oh. Oh! Duh!" I blushed.

Harry smiled, turning up the radio. We sang along to an old Van Morrison song that just seemed to fit the mood for the day. When the next song started, Harry turned the radio down again and cleared his throat.

"So I have another party to attend this weekend," he stated.

"Oh yeah? Are you planning on drunk calling me again?" I jabbed.

"No," Harry laughed, turning down my block. "I was hoping you'd come with me."

"Oh. Really?" Taken off guard, I had no idea what else to say.

"Yeah. Will you?"

"Um...is it...like super fancy? Do I need a new dress...?"

"No, no, it's really casual. It's on the beach, actually. In Malibu. And um...it's overnight."

"Oh!" Damn. I wasn't sure I was prepared for a beach party. A rich, celebrity beach party. A formal event I could manage, maybe. I could fake my way through smiles and photo-ops, small talk and mingling. But casual celebrity parties made me uneasy. And overnight? With Harry?

"You don't...you don't think I'll be...out of place?" I asked.

"What? No. Gabs, you're the friendliest person I know, are you shitting me?"

I couldn't help but laugh at his use of my phrase again. Sometimes he was so fucking cute, and I wanted to kick myself for not allowing myself to notice it earlier. But at the same time I wanted to kick myself for noticing it now.

We pulled up to a red light, and Harry turned to look at me. "Please say yes. I'd love it if you went with me."

If the light hadn't changed, I would have gotten lost in his pleading eyes right then. Instead, as he shifted gears and accelerated, I sighed and gave in to his request.

"Okay. I'll go."

"Yay!" Harry exclaimed, reaching for my hand and giving it a squeeze. "We'll have a great time."

When we arrived at my place, Harry walked me up to my door while giving me more details about the Malibu party. Angie was in the kitchen making some of her famous oatmeal raisin cookies, of which Harry could not resist. I finally sent him off with four more to take home with him and a reassurance I would go to the party.

"Just making sure," he grinned against the door frame, playing with his keys. "I have to give them a plus one, and I just think I'd have more fun with you than Jeffrey."

"Jeff's not going?" I teased, dismissing the first part of his comment.

"Eh..." Harry tilted his head. "He'll probably manage snagging himself an invite."

I pursed my lips before giving in to his humor. "Bye, Harry."

"Okay girl," I heard Angie say from the kitchen after I shut the door. "Spill it."

"Spill what?" I asked, grabbing my second cookie from the plate.

"The tea. You sure have been spending a lot of time with Harry lately."

"He's fun to hang out with," I said with a mouthful of cookie.

"Oh c'mon. I know I tease you about him and call him your boyfriend. But is there something going on between you for real?"

"No!" I replied a little too hastily, swallowing hard. "You know we're just friends."

"Well I thought you were," she said. "And you say you are, but does he know that?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Gabby. Friends don't walk you up to your apartment and stick around for another twenty minutes and keep making excuses not to leave."

"You had cookies," I remarked.

"Gabs! Don't be blind! I heard him saying something about a party."

"Yeah...he invited me to one this weekend."

"His party?"

"No. I'm not sure whose it is. I just know it's in Malibu at some enormous beach house where there's rooms for all of us to sleep over."

Her jaw dropping, Angie wiped her hands on a dishtowel and dropped it on the counter. "Uh huh."

"It doesn't mean anything," I rolled my eyes.

"Okie doke. If you say so."

My roommate gave me the side eye as I walked down the hall to my room. Shutting the door, I leaned against it, wondering if she was right. Had my instincts been correct? Was this more than friendship? Or was I overthinking it and setting myself up to be heartbroken?

I stood outside on the porch beside the wooden railing, overlooking the beach. It was really beautiful this time of day. While a warm breeze still whipped my hair around me, the sun was beginning to announce its descending on the horizon.

The party had turned out to be even more than I'd imagined. While just the house I was standing in was probably the biggest beach house I'd ever been to, the two on either side were also members of the party's location, each complete with their own bar on the veranda. I'd never been to anything so fancy in my life, and in my simple white sundress I felt a little out of place. I'd mentioned my concern to Harry shortly after we'd arrived, but he assured me it was fine, and I looked beautiful. I'd gotten chills when he told me that, and not from the breeze, but when he'd noticed me shivering, he offered to get a sweater from my suitcase to which I declined.

"There you are," I heard behind me.

I turned my neck to see Harry approaching, the look of delight on his face.

"Was wondering where you'd gone," he said, offering me the drink in his hand.

I shook my head. "I'm sticking with beer tonight, and I'm taking a break for now."

"Alright," his smile faltered. "You okay?"

"Mmm, I'm fine," I nodded. "Just, sometimes sunshine and alcohol don't mix well with me, so I'm taking it easy."

"I understand. Speaking of the sun..." he gestured toward the sky that was starting to turn a bright orange just above the waves.

"So pretty, isn't it?" I commented.

"Beautiful," I heard him say, although from my peripheral view, it didn't seem like he was looking at the beach. When I looked up at him, he grinned like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"I mean, yeah," he said, stirring the tiny straw in his drink. "This is my favorite time of the day."

We stood side by side as the sun became a golden half orb behind the ocean, and the beach became all aglow with strings of lights from the houses.

"Wanna take a walk before it gets too dark?" Harry asked, holding out his hand.

I took it hesitantly, following him down the steps and onto the sand. When we reached the damp shore, I removed my sandals so they wouldn't get muddy, holding them by the strap with my finger. My dress, though not long enough to reach my ankles, still came past my knees, so I had to lift it with my other hand, giving me no free hand to hold Harry's.

"Here, Gabs," he said, offering to hold my shoes.

With a smile, I accepted, taking his other hand once again. We strolled down the beach leisurely, our arms swinging between us. I teased him a couple of times, threatening to kick water on him, but when he lifted me up and spun me around, I knew my tricks had come to an end.

"Okay, okay, Uncle!" I screamed.

When he finally set me back down, I gave him a playful punch in the arm.

"Meanie," I said, picking up the hem of my dress that had almost gotten soiled.

"You might as well let that down, babe, you know you're gonna get wet," Harry laughed.

"Only if you plan on pushing me into the ocean!" I protested.

"Is that a dare?" He grinned his Cheshire cat smile, and I ran for it.

I was almost to the house when he caught up with me, but I suspected he had given me a head start. I squealed when his arms trapped me and he spun me around again, aiming for the water.

"Harry Edward Styles, let me down!" I shouted.

I never felt so relieved to feel warm sand beneath my feet than I did in that moment. Breathing heavily, I glared up at him, his eyes dancing with laughter.

"You're an ass," I remarked with disdain.

"Aw Gabs. I wouldn't have actually done it. You know me."

I narrowed my eyes. "I thought I did."

I started to head for the house, but Harry stopped me, standing in front of me. "Gabriella. C'mon, I was joking. I thought I was just going along with your game. I'm sorry."

I took a deep breath. "Okay."

Stepping closer to me, he brushed his hand against my bare arm. "I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you, or embarrass you. You mean too much to me. I was just having fun. That's why we're here, right?"

My face softened and I nodded.

"Forgive me, love?"

"'kay," I said softly.

"Alright," he beamed, handing me my shoes. "Let's go have a drink."

Harry and I sat at the bar outside of the main house. We had a great time chatting with each other, reminiscing, talking to some of Harry's friends. About an hour into it, however, although the alcohol was keeping my blood warm, the chill of the breeze was starting to get to me, so Harry left to retrieve my sweater. When he returned, he surprised me by having one of his own, nearly the same color as mine. I giggled when I saw him, but I also felt touched. I wasn't exactly sure if he did it on purpose so I wouldn't feel out of place, or if he was chilly too and didn't mind that we matched. Either way, I found it adorable, and I couldn't help but notice the gentle way he held my sweater open so I could slip my arms through before he rubbed my shoulders with his hands.

"Thanks," I whispered.

"Any time," he leaned into my ear and whispered back.

The stool next to me ended up occupied while he was away, but being the generous guy he was, Harry didn't ask for it back and in fact insisted that the other woman sit there. So instead, he just stood next to me.

Something was apparent. I was completely confused. I had started to...feel things. More than friendship feelings. I was dizzy and not just because of the beer. I was seeing Harry in a different light, more than just the silly crush I'd had before. And I couldn't help but think he might feel the same. The problem was, I wasn't a hundred percent certain, and I didn't want to look like a fool if I just came out and asked. So I decided to take a different approach.

"So...confession time," I swallowed, setting my empty beer glass on the counter and swinging my legs underneath the bar to face him.

"Confession?" he teased with a smirk, his eyebrow raised in question.

"Yep," I nodded a little too eagerly.

"Alright," he grinned wider, leaning against the bar.

I had to contain my composure as he looked absolutely gorgeous, his hair windswept, his lips full and inviting, and I knew that one more sip of alcohol might possibly have caused me to leap from my barstool and give him more than the confession I had in mind.

"Remember when we met?" I asked.

"I do," Harry nodded.

"You had the long hair then," I commented, making hand gestures next to my face to imply long, cascading curls.

Harry chuckled, his shoulders shaking as I caught a glimpse of his cross necklace dancing in the middle of his chest. "Yeah."

"I used to have such a major crush on you," I blurted.

With a tilt of his head, Harry looked at me. I considered for a second that I'd made a horrible mistake by telling him. Surely he was confused that I'd made such a confession. We were friends in his eyes and always had been, nothing more. He was probably trying his best to think of a nice way to let me down, to tell me he'd never had similar feelings about me, or worse, that I shouldn't have such feelings for him, like a young schoolgirl with a crush on her older brother's friend. I suddenly wanted to take back my words, to pretend I hadn't said them, but Harry surprised me with his next question.

"Used to?" he asked.

"Well, yeah," I laughed nervously.

"Oh." Harry shifted on his feet and began to finger the napkin underneath his glass. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I made a sound and I shrugged. "You were...well, you were hot, and I couldn't believe you actually wanted to talk to me. But then we became close friends so..."

My words trailed off, but I figured Harry knew what I meant. Inspecting the contents of his glass, he swirled it around before lifting it to his lips and setting it back down. I watched him as my stomach flipped and he ran his free hand through his hair.

"I'm really glad we became so close," he said.

"Me too," I smiled.

"I like being your friend, Gabs," Harry added, turning to face me again, his grin mimicking mine for a second before it faltered and he shook his head. "I reckon I have a confession to make, too."

"You do?" I raised a brow, shifting on my stool.

"I've had a massive crush on you as well," he stated.

I gasped, nearly choking. "You did?"

His eyes blinking slowly, Harry stepped closer to me. Or at least, it seemed like he did, even though there was little space between us at it was.

"Did...still do," he confessed, his voice so low it was barely audible.

"What?"

My one word came out like my last breath, and I quickly felt like I needed oxygen. Harry was looking at me intently, standing so close, he was practically between my legs. The noise and chatter surrounding us was blatant, but time seemed to freeze as we stared at each other, Harry's confession whirling around us like clouds of smoke.

"I wasn't quite sure how to tell you," he finally said.

My eyes still wide, I glared at him incredulously. "For...how long?"

Harry shrugged just as the bartender returned with our drink refills. Suddenly realizing how thirsty I was, I eagerly picked up my glass and took a long chug of beer. I didn't miss the tiny smirk on Harry's face before he lifted his own glass and I wiped my apparent beer foam mustache from my lips with the back of my hand.

"Since...since we met?" I asked, urging Harry to continue as I set the glass back down.

"Oh, I dunno, Gabs," he shrugged again. "I mean, I fancied you then, definitely. But not in the way..."

"In the way...what?"

"In the...feelings kind of way," said Harry.

"There's a difference?" I asked, only half teasing.

"Well, of course," he grinned, his dimples reappearing on his cheeks. "I hadn't gotten to know you yet."

"Oh."

"Probably in the same way you fancied me," he added.

"Oh."

"Anyway, I..." he looked down, scratching his nose. "I kinda thought you knew. At least, at one time."

"When?" I asked, flabbergasted. Here I had been nervous about confessing my feelings for him, and I'd never even considered he'd had feelings for me all along, not just recently.

"Last year. Your birthday. And then New Year's."

My jaw dropped as I easily recalled both of those occasions, but had no memory of him giving me any idea he'd liked me as more than a friend. Sure, he'd given me an expensive gift, and we'd gotten pretty wasted on New Year's Eve and I'd let him crash at my place...

"I had no idea!" I exclaimed.

"Well..." Harry smirked, lifting his glass again. "I reckon I'm not very good at giving hints then. But it's...out in the open now."

"Harry..." I mouthed.

With another smile, he threw back the rest of his cocktail and set the empty glass on the bar.

"Kinda wish now I'd told you sooner," he said. "Seeing as you used to have a thing for me, too."

"Not used to," I admitted.

"Wha'?"

"I still do, too," I said. "Still have a thing for you, I mean. Or a crush, or whatever. No, not a crush, that seems so juvenile. Oh my God, Harry, I'm so stupid!"

Harry chuckled, his eyes squinting the way I liked that made him look so handsome and childlike at the same time.

"Slow down, love," he offered, placing his hand on my arm.

"I'm so dumb, Harry," I groaned. I could feel the effects from the alcohol now, but I knew my feelings were honest and not beer induced. "I've been making excuses. I was wondering why you were doing certain things, like calling me in the middle of the night or standing close to me. Playing me your song and inviting me to this party. I worried I was overthinking it all. Like there was no way you liked me in that way. We're just good friends. But now..."

"Now?" His eyes studied my face, waiting for my response as both of his hands took mine, bringing them to his chest.

"Now I know you do."

"Yes I do, Gabriella."

I wanted to grab him and kiss him right then and there, and I would have if the woman behind him hadn't bumped into him and reminded me where we were.

"C'mere," I urged, rising from my stool and taking his hand.

I pulled him to the steps that led to the beach and we walked until I found a dark enough spot where I knew we were out of earshot. Then I turned around and wrapped my arms around him. Without a word, Harry leaned down and kissed me softly, making the butterflies in my stomach flutter and my insides light up like dynamite. Then he deepened the kiss, our tongues dancing in rhythm with my heartbeat.

"Baby..." Harry groaned after our long kiss, his forehead pressed against mine.

"I...I heard you call me that earlier," I said as I traced his mouth with my fingertip. "I thought I was lying to myself."

"Not a lie, baby," he assured me. "I guess some of my hints did get through."

I smiled up at him and licked my lips.

"Kiss me again, Harry," I begged, "so I know I'm not dreaming."

"You're certainly not," Harry said low before pressing his lips to mine again.

We kissed like that on the beach for a long time, the noise of the party worlds away, the crash of the waves in the distance.

"Harry..." I whispered when we came up for air. "I know we're at a party and everything...but...I'd really like to be alone with you right now."

"I think that can be arranged," he agreed.

Not bothering to say goodnight to his friends at the main house, he took my hand and led me to the smaller house on the left, the one in which we were staying. With a quick wave to a handful of people on the porch, we made our way through the back doors and up the stairs. Stopping in the hallway, Harry grinned at me.

"Yours or mine?" he asked cheekily.

"Shut up and get in there," I quipped, pushing him towards our room.

When he opened the door, I eyed the two beds.

"Seems like such a waste," I commented as I followed him to the bed he chose, kicking off my shoes.

"Could have been worse," said Harry as he sat on the bed. "I could have asked for separate rooms."

"Oh, so you were expecting to get some tonight?" I teased as I sensually unbuttoned my cardigan and dropped it.

"No baby," he replied, pulling me to stand between his knees, his green eyes sincere. "Just hoping."

With a gentle smile, I leaned forward and took his face in my hands. I looked at him for a few moments, studying his gorgeous face before kissing his soft, warm lips. It was as though a fire had ignited within me, and I couldn't get enough. I felt his hands on my hips then, trying to pull up the sides of my dress. I heard a pout sound from his throat as I separated our mouths, but his face lit up when he realized what I was doing. Grabbing the hem of my dress, I pulled it up and over my head, letting it fall to the floor. Another sound vibrated from Harry's chest before he slid his hands up my sides and rose from the bed.

In one swift motion, he pulled both his sweater and shirt over his head, not bothering to separate the two. I had seen him shirtless before, but somehow this time was different. I wanted to trace every tattoo, kiss the little patch of hair on his chest and lick a long trail down his belly. My mouth began to water knowing I had the opportunity. I watched him unbutton his pants next, causing my heart to beat faster. I must have been biting my lip in anticipation because Harry chuckled low then, lifting his finger to pry my lip from my teeth.

"You're so sexy," he declared.

"Me?"

"Yeah," he nodded, his eyebrows raised in confirmation. "I've wanted to suck on that bottom lip for a long time."

"God, you're gonna drive me crazy, aren't you?"

Harry laughed harder. "That's the plan."

Unable to control myself, I crashed into his lips again, tangling my fingers in his hair. He moaned against my mouth while his hands found the clasp of my bra, letting the straps fall down my shoulders. I released my grip on his hair so that the bra could drop to the floor and within seconds, my naked breasts were covered by his hands.

This time it was my turn to moan. One thing about Harry that I was perfectly aware of, other than his talent and cheekiness, was that he had amazing hands. When we'd first gotten to know each other, I would sometimes stare at them. And after I started thinking of him in a new way recently, it was not uncommon for me to fantasize about them. Feeling them touch my tender, bare skin was like nothing I'd ever dreamed. I could already feel the wetness between my thighs, and I felt light-headed.

"Harry..." I heard the sound come from my lips before I opened my eyes to see his staring back at me.

"Let's go to the bed, love," he announced.

In my...somewhat mediocre...experience, I was never sure of the protocol for turning down the bed for sex. I was pleasantly surprised, however, when I saw Harry grab the quilt and pull it down to the foot of the bed.

"C'mere, baby," he beckoned as he laid down.

A tiny spark of nerves shivered down my spine as I slowly crawled onto the bed beside him. He reached for me, pulling me against his body and kissing me passionately.

"I don't want this to be awkward," he whispered. "So you let me know if it doesn't feel right and you wanna stop."

"No," I shook my head. "No, it's not awkward at all. I'm just a little nervous, I guess."

"Let me help you relax then," he said. "Tell me how I can help."

His hand slid down my hip as I stared into his eyes. His fingers slipped underneath the lace side of my panties and I shut my eyes, taking a deep breath.

"How's that feel?" I heard him ask, his calloused fingertips lightly stroking the skin across my hip.

"Very nice," I breathed.

His hand moved slightly underneath the lace and I suddenly felt his fingers approach the area I needed him most. Another breath hitched in my throat as he began to touch me. With each moan of response I gave him, he continued, moving in circles with his fingertip.

"How's that, baby?"

"Mmmnnn...yes..." was all I could manage to say before he chuckled again. Shifting onto my back, I opened my legs wider so he had better access. Harry, however, had other ideas. Pulling his hand from my panties, he crawled up on his knees, his face inches from mine.

"I wanna taste you, Gabriella," he declared.

I threw my head back and whispered to the headboard as Harry pulled down my lace underwear. "Fuck, yes."

While my insides were still shaking, I no longer felt nervous. I already knew what his hands could do in just a few minutes. Now I was eager to feel his mouth on me.

Harry was one to take his time, never in a rush for anything, and this was no exception. He left soft kisses on my stomach and pubic bone, then lifting my thighs, he left kisses there as well. I was nearly ready to explode by the time I finally felt his tongue on me, and even then, he took his time.

Harry seemed to catch my clues as well, knowing when to speed up or slow down, learning my body and how much I could take. As I could feel myself reaching my climax, he lifted my hips with his hands, and as I came, he slowed gently before lowering me back down and kissing my thighs once again. My body trembled slightly as he laid his head on my thigh and hummed, waiting patiently for me to come down.

"God, you're beautiful," I heard him murmur as he crawled up my body again, his hands on my breasts.

I tasted myself on his tongue as he kissed me before he shimmied down and took my nipples into his mouth. I moaned again at the sensation, unable to control my urge to feel him inside me.

"Still nervous?" he asked me with a smirk.

I laughed out loud. "Not at all."

"Good," he chuckled. "'Cause I wanna fuck you so bad."

I laughed again, throwing my arm over my eyes.

"Too much?" I heard him ask as I felt the bed shift.

"No," I replied, lowering my arm as I saw him remove his underwear and reach in his bag for a condom. "I have a feeling there's no such thing as too much with you."

He laughed then, returning to the bed. "I guess we'll find out."

I bit my lip at both his cheeky remark and the anticipation. Lifting my knees, I watched him scoot between them. The initial pressure and sting was immediately replaced with immense pleasure as he filled me and began to thrust. Perhaps the aftershock of his oral treatment hadn't completely worn off, because it didn't take long before I was moaning and gasping underneath him. And I certainly was not alone because Harry's moans soon began to mimic mine, and he whined my name.

"Holy shit, you feel so good," I cried.

"Yeah, baby, fuck," he growled. "I'm close already."

I'd always thought the concept of coming together ridiculous, if not impossible. But with Harry, I wanted it. I even begged for it.

"Come with me, Harry," I called out, my legs wrapped around his waist and my hands holding onto his back for dear life.

"Fuck, yes."

And with one more thrust, it happened.

Fireworks, bottle rockets, shooting stars...all the silly cliches I'd read in books...they weren't fiction. Mind-blowing sex is real.

We laid in bed staring at the ceiling while our breaths evened out, then took turns in the bathroom. When I returned, I was surprised to see Harry with the sheet and quilt pulled up to his butterfly tattoo, two votive candles lit on the nightstand.

"Oh nice," I commented. "Where'd the candles come from?"

"They were here," he answered, his voice lower than usual. "In the table. It had been my plan to light them when...I mean if...we came up here. But I forgot."

"God Harry..." I mused as I crawled into bed beside him.

"What?"

"You just..."

With a wide grin, he chuckled, his adorable dimples dipping in his cheeks as he pulled me to him once again. "What, baby?"

"We're not friends anymore," I remarked.

"We're not?"

"No. Friends don't...do this," I said, brushing my fingers through his curls. "And definitely not what we just did."

"We're still friends, Gabs," Harry replied. "Just...a different kind."

"A better kind...I hope."

"Definitely."

"Hmm," I nodded. "Just do me a favor and don't break my heart."

"That's not part of the plan," he shook his head.

"Good. 'Cause I already kinda love you."

Lifting himself up on his elbow, Harry raised a brow. "Just kinda?"

"Well...you know...because we were already so close..."

With a glorious smile, Harry lowered his head to kiss my nose, then my lips.

"I love you too, baby," he said.

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MASTERLIST | KO-FI | FEEDBACK

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