#it was very meditative. kinda want to make a habit of it

[spikebit]

iwas supposed to go skiing today with my cousins but my brain was too busy and i couldn't sleep. so i got up and listened to ambient/liminal music and painted until 3am instead and frankly i think it was more fulfilling and enjoyable than going skiing would have been

[defnotciara]

The ultimate shifting guide! (Tips, methods, etc)

Before I actually get into this i just wanted to clarify that everyone’s shifting journey is different and just because something worked for one person doesn’t mean it will work for you too! In order to shifting you kinda have to experiment a bit from what i’ve learnt and done so far.

Keywords:

DR: Desired Reality

CR: Current Reality

WR: Waiting Room

Also, before we start i’m just going to go over what shifting is, if you dont want to read this part feel free to skip this is mainly for the people who are newer to shifting and are looking for a basic rundown before getting into everything else!

⋆ ˚｡ ⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡ ⋆ ⋆ ˚｡ ⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡ ⋆ ⋆ ˚｡ ⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡ ⋆ ⋆ ˚｡ ⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡ ⋆ ⋆ ˚｡ ⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡ ⋆

1 • YOU DONT NEED TO USE METHODS OR SCRIPTS!! The methods are there to guide the process for those who The scripts allow you to imagine, organize your DR, and fuel your desire to go to your dr. Another thing is that if you forget to script something chances are is taht your subconscious already remembered it so you don’t really need to worry much about it!

2 • Symptoms are not actually you shifting! It’s actually just your body falling asleep. Although some things like feeling your surroundings change, hearing voices from ur dr, etc do actually count as shifting? (In my opinion) But since symptoms don’t really let you know what you have shifted who’s to say that you haven’t?? Gaslight yourself into believing you have shifted and during this ask like rhetorical questions like “How is shifting so easy for me?” “Why am i so good at shifting” “How am i already in my DR” Doing this will help you distract your brain from that annoying voice thats like “Thats not true, you haven’t shifted yet?”

3 • Shifting is what you believe it is. If you believe that shifting is hard, or easy, or that you can’t shift then you won’t shift 🤷‍♀️ Why do you think people who were introduced to shifting by someone who they personally know shift pretty easily? Thats because they trust in what that person is saying and trusting that shifting is easy and real and that they can shift too if they tried, they aren’t “Lucky” its just that they don’t use apps like tiktok, tumblr, etc; that over complicate shifting because shifting is as easy as setting a intent to wake up in your DR.

4 • “Can i script xyz/Or are there any limitations” You can literally do anything and when i mean anything i mean anything, if you want to be able to fly go fly ! Oh, you want to shift to a cartoon/anime go shift to it. Literally nothing is stopping you from doing whatever you want its called a desired reality for a reason. But, please take into account that even if it is a different reality that doesn’t mean you can’t being back trauma with you to your CR also take into consideration that the people in your DR are just as real and human as you are so keep that in mind when scripting!

4 • “What is a clone?” A clone is basically just you in your CR once you’ve shifted (Unless your asleep while shifting clones shouldn’t really be a problem) Your clone will act exactly like you do and if your worried about them doing something you wouldn’t do you are able to dictate their activities/what they do while you are out partying with your S/O.

5 • “What can i do to make shifting easier?” There are many different resources for you to use on your shifting journey like mind reprogramming I personally recommend listening to “Reprogramming through habits|| Video guide by shifting with reya” (I will link at the very bottom of this post if you are interested!) This video includes a 4 day (Maybe more depending on the person) Mind reprogramming method that allows you to alter your beliefs on shifting, another thing you can try is Gateway tapes, these tapes are made by the Monroe Institution/CIA these tapes use a training system that uses meditation like techniques combined with sound technology to alter the states of consciousness (If you are interested in learning more i can maybe make a post about it another day) You are required to pay for them but some people upload them to youtube, google docs etc; for the people who can’t since they are quite expensive! (I HAVE A GOOGLE DRIVE OF THE SOME OF THEM SO I CAN GIVE YOU THE LINK IF YOU WANTT), there are many more ways to make shifting easier but these are just to name a few.

6 • Meditation, Meditation is so easy and super efficient in helping you shift! If you just take 5 or more minutes out of your day to meditate for a month or two you will definitely notice the difference it makes, not only does it destress you but its helpful for when you are trying to relax during a shifting attempt or just shift while doing it.

7 • Affirmations, affirmations are so incredibly powerful with shifting and manifestation because it’s literally so easy and doesn’t even take long to do! Affirmations are basically just words that you say/think to yourself that help you shift/manifest some affirmations that I personally use during shifting attempts or just during random times of the day just to remind myself that shifting is so easy. “Why is shifting so easy for me?” “I am shifting” “Every breath i take gets me closer to shifting” “Every “failed” shifting attempt just makes me get closer to shifting” Etc, etc, etc.

And thats it for now should i make another part? I feel like this is to short but i really wanted to post it because i felt bad for promising to post it yesterday but i ended up falling asleep while typingg 😭 I hope yall can forgive me loll, but anyways lmk what you think about this and pleasee let me know if theres any misinformation in this so i can fix it!!

Thanks for reading this, i hope you all have an amazing day/nightt !!

[fannishstuff]

Have more Biddleford AU!

This is in specific reference to my AU where Fiddleford tried meditation instead of inventing the memory gun, and consequently met and began to worship Bill.

So, I opened that piece of fanart with Fiddleford reaching out a hand to Ford, and telling him that he was welcome.

"Why," you might ask, "is he welcoming in Ford? Doesn't Ford already worship Bill?

Hehehehehe, that's where the fact that Bill is extremely manipulative comes in. More under the cut.

So, in the ficlet that I included with that picture, you'll note that Bill set himself up to be the golden magical savior that would protect Fiddleford from evil spirits and bad luck. Well, Fiddleford falls for it and he falls for it hard. Bill can be very charming and convincing when he wants to be. (...sort of. He does a lot of, like, giving people upsetting gifts and terrifying compliments and stuff. You kind of have to be a little unhinged already to fall for Bill-style charm, basically. Fortunately our pteratron-building man is.)

Fiddleford now belongs to Bill. Great. You'll remember that Ford is not actually able to build the portal himself - he needed help from Fiddleford because his math wasn't strong enough. Okay, so Bill was using Ford to build the Portal, and Ford was using Fiddleford... but now Bill can use Fiddleford directly, so he has two geniuses under his thumb. Even better: Bill had to manipulate Ford by keeping him isolated and paranoid. Fiddleford, on the other hand, we know to be charismatic and sociable. We know that he tends to seek out people who are suffering from problems similar to his and that he can get them to open up. He's also very convincing, and can convince them he has a solution to their troubles. Ivan, whose recruitment we see in Journal 3 and who is the eventual leader of the Society of the Blind Eye, is a great example of this.

So, now Bill has two patsies: a genius nerd who's convinced everyone is out to get him, and a big-hearted but very odd duck guy who wants nothing more than to help people. The second one, the charmer, has a habit of proselytizing.

And, oh, how Bill loves to be worshiped.

So, he still needs and wants Ford, but why would he settle for Ford? Bill starts occupying more and more of Fiddleford's time with the cult, and while he's at it, he himself start to breadcrumb - and eventually ghosts - Ford. It sends Ford into a panic. Ford is getting increasingly stressed and overworked, he's barely making progress, his only friend is spending almost no time with him and acting weird even when he's around, and his muse has seemingly abandoned him. Oh, and by the way: Bill hasn't told Ford that he's in contact with Fidds, and has instructed Fidds to keep the secret.

One day, Bill returns to Ford's dreams.

He's snide. He's cold. He asks for progress, and then makes like he's going to leave. Ford leaps at him, begs him to stay, asks what happened, and what he did wrong.

What are you talking about, Sixer? Aren't you doing fine without me? I thought you were some kind of genius. Well, I'm - I could never do as well alone as with your guidance, Bill! You're my muse! Oh, yeah. That. What is it? What's wrong?

Bill goes on to point out that, well, yeah, Ford was fine, but Bill was really starting to feel lead on. Bill's not just some broad you can expect to keep around forever and never bother pop the question. Like, Bill's a god, not just a """MUSE,""" and it was just kinda getting old, right? Like, you're clearly fine without me, so whatever. What? What's wrong? No, seriously, it's fine if you don't want to commit, you have commitment issues since you abandoned your brother and all. What, you want another chance? Seriously? I'm not really convinced. Oh? Okay, fine. Fine. We'll talk it out. But you are on thin ice, Sixer.

So, Ford is given some pretty strict instructions for the next couple of days, and then he's sent to meet up with Bill's other worshipers.

Ford didn't know about the other worshipers, and he's really embarrassed about this. (Never mind that they didn't exist.) He's angry, he's frustrated, but most of all he's desperate for approval.

So he goes, and he meets...

Fiddleford.

Bill's been talking to Fiddleford. Bill explained everything to Fiddleford. He explained that Ford is coming, and he's to be the co-ruler of the cult or Fiddleford's right-hand man, but that he needs to behave himself. Ford hasn't always been totally committed, Bill explained, but he's being given another chance.

But it's okay! Fiddleford believes in Ford! Fiddleford one hundred percent is vouching for him, Ford's such a swell guy, always goes the whole way in everything. Fiddleford would never doubt Ford, and together, they're going to prove to Bill that Ford's serious.

Ford... isn't convinced. Ford is having doubts. But Ford has to make sure to never, ever, ever voice those doubts, because that would be proving that he has doubts, and that he's just like Bill was afraid he would be, even though Fiddleford trusts him unconditionally like the good friend he is.

Anyway in this AU the world ends

[system-of-a-feather]

Re-establishing Baseline Plan

Since moving, I've (completely understandably and expectedly) had my baseline kinda fucked (did not help by with financial stress + job incompatibility + ear infection + really bad post ear infection cold + probable norovirus in literally one month) and so I've been really overloaded, stressed, and just in a place of mostly survival mode where most of my energy is focused on maintaining my mental and physical state in the easiest manners possible

I have been holding up well all things considered and have set up for a probably more compatible job + my fiance has managed to get a job again that he feels will probably work out well for him and I have at least like a week off between jobs to reorientate myself

So to take a good and active effort to make the best of this time, I want to make a plan to set myself up for success. I actually do this every so often when I really need to pick myself up (historically Lucille would usually do it but pros of being basically fully integrated is that I am Lucille as well as me) and I figured it would be a neat thing to display and demonstrate here cause I'd end up making it *anyways* so why not share with the class

If anyone likes this, yall can borrow it ^^

-----

Question One: What current coping skills and hobbies am I currently doing and trying with my time? Are they affective and would I like to change them?

Art, Drawing, Character Design, Art Fight Prep, Story Planning and Writing

This is one of the easiest and most reliable positive coping mechanisms and has gotten me through the majority of the month mostly on it's own. Compared to other coping mechanisms, this one is almost always something I can drag myself to do or at least ask someone to supervise me to make sure I do it when I feel I need some sort of self care. It serves greatly as an alternative when I find that I am doing maladaptive coping that I would rather not do and when in doubt, it has access to some level of social engagement should I feel I need that. With that being said, having relied largely on this for a month, this is suffering diminishing returns and starting to lead to general lack of inspiration and so diversification from this coping mechanism would be ideal

Weekend Gym Trips

This is actually a really good way for me to release energy, give myself space and time to think, and just feel better moving and existing in my body. It also mandates time for me to listen to music and serves a meditative purpose. That said, I have only been doing this on Saturdays and only once on Sunday and I would like to expand that to be at least 3 times a week or at least more spaced out.

Reading Semi Regularly

This is a new habit and coping I picked up and its actually really good! It provides a unique sense of calm when I need it. Unfortunately I've started to drop off the past week due to general stress and illness, so I think its important to return to this. Perhaps set a general goal of "every other day" rather than every day to lessen the pressure.

Video Games

This was helpful but lately I have been not motivated to play anything and I believe its been burnt out. I think it would be good to resume this but it is currently impractical to force at the moment until overall wellness has returned.

TV with Boy

This is helpful but unforunately nothing seems to interest either of us to watch right now. (cri life is hard /lh)

Board Games with Boy

This is a new one and has actually been very nice. That said, it isn't always available and dependent on my fiance's ability to have the energy, time and interest to play them, particularly since I know he is less interested in board games than me. It is good to maintain the interest and offer, but not a coping skill to become reliant on.

Question Two: What sorts of things that I am currently not doing do I know tend to define behaviors, habits, hobbies, and interests that are done when I am out of survival mode and genuinely enjoying life?

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

Engagement in Exploration and just independent travels without individuals

Engagement and interest in occasionally reaching out to Buddhist environments

Producing art work for the story that is more developed and inspired rather than "quick" or "reference" focused - actually focusing on the creative and artistic expression rather than the practical expression

Increased social circle communication irl beyond my online bestie, fiance, and online friend group chat; reaching out to individuals and developing new irl friendships

Question Three: Which of those hobbies do I think could be the most reasonable and easy to meet sooner than later (even better if I can make steps to start that right now / today)? In what ways could I make steps to make those first changes and help set myself up for success on expanding my engagement with life beyond survival mode?

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

While I am not extensively motivated in any manner to watch anything in particular, I am starting to randomly get a lot of bleach related stuff on my youtube and I have been meaning to watch TYBW arc. I have been postponing it because of arbitrary "I wanna read the manga first" and just general other excuses, but realistically those are putting up barriers that I may not get to at this rate and currently I could just use something I'm somewhat interested in to give me some independent relaxing engagement. I think I can set the goal of actually watching Bleach TYBW at least an episode a day starting either today or tomorrow and see if that can bring a momentum and habit into actually being able to watch things that interest me on my own.

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

I can probably actually take my violin back out. The guitar would probably be better but for whatever reason I feel that my brain thinks that would require more - for a lack of better word - work, so I think I can at least try to find time this week to at least play a little bit of my violin.

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers + "increased social irl connection [...]"

I can reach out and text my new irl birding connections to see if they are interested; if not I can at least plan to take a birding trip later

Engagement in Buddhist Stuff

I know there is an area I've been thinking of visiting that has free english services on Tuesday, I can make plans to go there that day, particularly since my Fiance should be working for the first day then anyways.

Question Four: What are additional goals and check points that we would like to try to bring us closer to the life style that we know tends to support a thriving mental state and life satisfaction rather than one of survival?

Independent Travels

During the time I have, I can keep in mind this goal and if I have down time think of potentially interesting and alternative places to go to explore; additionally I can plan birding trips to places I have not yet checked out.

Increased Social IRL Connection

It is dependent on if my now-ex-coworker still is interested, but I can follow up and see if we want to still play board games; if not I think potential more ways to reach out will be more viable to plan once a higher level of baseline is established; potentially see if there are any in person DnD groups around that I could make a habit of going to or any martial art dojos that we can afford

More Inspired Art

I think this is something that will come with time between lessening the burn out of my current art-as-a-coping mechanism goal as well as actually engaging in more media and independent interests as to gain more inspiration.

Question Five: Summarize the Key Points and Plans Discussed in This into a Bullet Points of Take Aways

Modifying Current Coping:

Diversify and lean off of using art as a main coping mechanism; give that one a break

Attempt to go to the gym more frequently or at least space it out more throughout the week

Continue reading; lessen the ideal to every other day in case demand pressure is adversely affecting it

Keep an open interest in playing board games with fiance

Changes I Want To Make Soon:

Start watching Bleach TYBW w/ at least one episode a day

Bring out my violin and try to at least play with it for one hour this week

Reach out to new bird peers to see if they want to plan a birding trip sometime, if not then plan one independently

Make plans to go to that place on Tuesday for the open Buddhist service

Changes to Keep an Eye Out For:

Opportunities to go somewhere new randomly for no particular reason or goal in mind other than to just see whats around us

Spoons and time availability to see out places to expand our irl social circles

Inspiration for art in general

Question Six: Set for Regular Follow Ups to Check Progress

Isn't tumblr's queue / schedule function super neat for this

[tuliptic]

Guerilla: Break The Wall

Hi I’m back for a short while before I disappear to focus on life. I guess? Idk. But yeah, here’s something that I’ve worked on and I’m happy with how this turned out!

What walls of expectations do I need to break? What unhealthy habits do I need to fight so that I can be my very best self?

Close your eyes, meditate on this topic and ask yourself the question: “What walls do I need to break for me to be a better version of me?” Breathe in and out, make sure your mind and heart is calm. Then, open your eyes to see which pile talks to you the most/draws you in the most. Once you’ve found your pile, scroll down to the respective parts to see what are the messages for you.

Pile 1    -     Pile 2

Pile 3    -     Pile 4

Disclaimer: This is solely for my entertainment purposes. Take only whatever that you feel like it. If it doesn’t resonate, it’s okay to just drop it. That aside, I do not consent to my work or here to be used by third parties on this platform or other websites.

Decks used: Luna Cat Tarot Deck (Major Arcana), Linestrider Tarot Deck, Sweet Dreams Oracle Deck, Starcodes Astro Oracle Deck, self made lyrics deck.

Pile 1

Card of querent: The Emperor

You’re probably someone who has been fighting through life. A definite fighter. You’ve been acting on your passions and dreams, and have been fighting and charging towards your goals. There’s also a sense of pain? A sense of loneliness. You’ve been struggling and fighting towards your goals that you’ve lost sight of the people around you, and you ended up being alone. You’re the emperor, but you also have no one by your side, only your throne with you.

1. What negative/unhelpful expectations do I have towards myself? - The Magician

I see that you have huge expectations of yourself. You kinda wanna be Jack of All Trades, and Master of All. You’ve been wanting to master all aspects of life, like the financial aspect, career satisfaction, relationship happiness, etc. Lemme clarify once again, you do not want to only have satisfaction in these aspects of life, but you want to master them, to excel in them, to gain a certain reputation in it. You’ve been wanting to achieve it and to manifest your dreams, and you wanted more of that something than you need. And this expectation has been wearing you out.

2. How have those expectations been holding me back? - Queen of Cups rx

Wearing you out is one thing, but most of all, it’s been making you lose touch with yourself, lose touch with those around you. You have spent time fighting the outer world, and ignoring your inner world. You have been distancing yourself from your heart, your home. You have not been nurturing yourself, your inner child has been pushed away by you to achieve whatever that you have wanted. You feel as though you’re unable to return to your roots, return to where your heart resides. It’s as though you’ve been squeezed dry.

3. Why should I break those walls of expectations? - Justice rx

To do yourself justice, to return to the balance that needs to be maintained, to have a clearer, healthier way of thinking. Instead of seeing a balance of the mind, I’m seeing more on the balance of action. What you do to yourself, what you do to others, and the consequences as well as the results coming out from them. The scales in this card reminds me of… If I recall correctly, the afterworld in Egyptian mythology, where your actions/heart is weighed against the feather. That. I just went and checked that the feather symbolises truth and justice. You’re called to think more about your actions.

4. How do I break those walls? - Six of Swords

By exploring. You’re called to explore the different thoughts, the different cognitive behaviours. I have a feeling that this is gonna be more psychology-ish, where you explore to understand yourself better. To see what helps you and what doesn’t, and you leave those that don’t help you behind, travel forward with what helps you. The journey of exploration will only begin when you follow your inner passion, where you honour your inner child’s grace. With that, only you’ll learn to set eyes on other things as you move forward.

5. How do I tune into my feelings? - Five of Wands

Understanding and unwinding the cords of conflict may sound difficult but these are necessary. There are a lot of emotions that you need to unbox, to sort them out, to understand them individually. It’s like… Understanding why this thing is a trigger, understanding why you’re having this particular emotion, understanding why things happen, understanding how to deal with things that are out of your control, and all that. There are a lot of noises in your head, and those thoughts are fighting with each other. It’s difficult to deal with it but it’s not impossible. And most of all, it’s necessary. You’ll need to fight this through. It may sound like a long journey, but the time will pass anyway. And who knows, the good things will come to you sooner than you think.

6. What happens when I welcome the world with my new found feelings? - Temperance rx

This is another card that symbolises balance. When you’re able to welcome the world with your new found feelings, you’ll be able to regain the balance that was once lost. You’ll be able to ride along the waves and head to a new direction. It’s like… the clouds obstructing the sun have been moved and you’re able to see it clearly. That’s the same with how you look at your future, the world. The dark clouds are gone and you see your future, your world with a new found light, to still be yourself even when you’ve changed.

Overall energy: Wheel of Fortune, Ten of Cups rx

I’m seeing that this is a change that you’ll need to go through. If you go through it willingly, if you yourself made the decision to change yourself for the better, you’ll be granted the ability to go through them easier as compared to having changes being thrown onto you. There’s an emotional conflict and discomfort that you’re going through right now and in a sense, it’s telling you to make the necessary changes so that you can align yourself better. Connect with your inner child through fun and play, let your inner child guide you through. There’s a huge theme of a brighter future with a new you, so have faith and welcome the new you coming through.

.

..

...

Pile 2

Card of querent: The Hierophant

For some reason, I’m seeing you as someone who’s private. You are the type who doesn’t share the bright and dark side of your life to people, unless those close to you ask about it. If they don’t ask, you won’t say a thing. I’m seeing two different groups of introverts here: one’s an introvert naturally, where you’ve been quiet and hang out only with a few friends; and the other group is the one that used to be shut down for quite a long time in your life, resulting in you learning to suppress your feelings and emotions (I have a feeling that most of y’all will be in the second group). There’s some sort of heavy energy that has been suppressing you.

1. What negative/unhelpful expectations do I have towards myself? - The Hermit

That you have to be quiet, that you have to burn yourself to warm others, that others are of a higher priority than yourself. Not gonna lie, you’ve been treating yourself harshly and have not been healing yourself. You’ve been used to helping others, and some of you may have people pleasing tendencies, where you help others at the expense of yourself. Some people are appreciative and grateful to what you’ve done for them, while most have been feeding off you. As time went on, the negativity grew on you but you’re afraid of cutting ties. You’re unable to clear your mind and regenerate your spirit anew.

2. How have those expectations been holding me back? - Wheel of Fortune

These unhealthy expectations have been denying the entrance of good things into your life. See, there’s so much potential and good things in life. But it won’t come to you if you keep passing them to other people. Good luck has been wanting to go to you, Fate wanted to change your course for the better. But due to the expectations you have for yourself, you’ve built a wall, a barricade to stop and block them from coming to you. With this going on, you’ve been unable to invite the good things into your life. 

3. Why should I break those walls of expectations? - King of Wands rx

You’ve been through the ups and downs of life, and have adopted a warm, kind and understanding persona. However, there may be a certain anger in you that has been slowly eating you up. Something in you that’s slowly burning up your core beliefs, your inner kindness. If those walls of expectations are not taken down, you’ll be burnt inside your castle. You’ll need to act, find your passion and dreams and break out from the place you’ve built around yourself. I’m feeling two things from this question: feeling like my insides have been scrunched up badly, and extreme emptiness. These would be the outcome if the walls of expectations are not taken down.

4. How do I break those walls? - Ace of Swords

Clarify the necessary expectations you need to let go. Know that you wield the sword to cut down the thorns that have been covering and hurting your heart. You may be injured during the process of struggling, but it’s necessary and doable. Know that you are blessed as each step you take will bring you to the freedom you’ve wanted, know that the abundance in life is coming to you as you leave the place that no longer nurtures you. Once you’ve clarified the necessary, take action. Cut them down swiftly. 

5. How do I tune into my feelings? - Six of Wands

Let yourself be proud of what you hold, what you’ve been through. Take hold of your achievement, let yourself shine through. You’ve been pushing the good things to others. Now it’s time for you to accept them, to acknowledge them. Let yourself be the spotlight occasionally. You really gotta take things into your own hands and feel the satisfaction yourself. Slowly build up your confidence as it is gonna be one of the greatest assets you hold. It’s difficult, coming from someone with an inferiority complex. But it’s achievable. Be kind to yourself and take baby steps to build yourself up into a brighter you.

6. What happens when I welcome the world with my new found feelings? - King of Pentacles rx

You’ll be able to nurture yourself more, slowly letting yourself out to explore the various opportunities and chances. Happiness and success are built from various achievements and you’re slowly getting there, realising that the self has great values. You’ll slowly cultivate a positive yet humble attitude, growing to explore yourself and what you are bound to achieve.

It’s like betting everything to show that there are things that only you can do, and you strive for it. Instead of saying that you can’t do something, you’ve learnt to try it out first. Luck will follow you as you step out into the new paths, finding and meeting the new you in the future.

Overall energy: The Fool, The Hanged Man

I’m seeing that there will be an opportunity for you to get this sort of self revelation, to go on this new journey of self realisation. You have to confront your demons, your fears, your shadow side, and let your heart be opened to love as it manifests into the world. Know that there are people around you who are willing to help you, and your inner child who promised you to walk through this journey together. Your voice may be soft at first, but let yourself grow, let yourself shout out and break the walls around you with your vigour.

.

..

...

Pile 3

Card of querent: The Sun

Straight off I'm feeling the vibe of an activist. There’s probably a fiery side in you where you tend to focus on the good in life, the good in people. You want to shine, shed warmth to those who are in need of them, want to help people in their weakest time. For some reason I’m thinking of Princess Diana? Like… She helps and yet she shines. She knows the strength and her fame, and she uses them for the well-being of the minorities. Kinda energy. The Sun here isn’t scorching, isn’t blazing. It’s warm, gentle, and comforting. This is what I’m getting from this card.

1. What negative/unhelpful expectations do I have towards myself? - Queen of Pentacles rx

If you identify as a woman, I feel that you may have expected yourself to be a femme fatale kinda character, being the boss bitch, won’t wanna let anyone tie you down. And with that, I’m also feeling that you’ve wanted to be financially free and this manifests in the sense where you’ll be impatient with yourself when you can’t achieve it. I’m also seeing that you’ve been looking for the meaning of life, and I’m also seeing/feeling some unhappiness from this when whatever you find doesn’t seem to align with what you expected. If you don’t identify as a woman, you probably will want to embody the bad bitch energy and may end up pushing people away from you. Suddenly have the thought of like... You’re strong that’s why you can be alone. Kinda mentality. I hope I’m making sense here.

2. How have those expectations been holding me back? - Five of Cups rx

It has blocked you from seeing beyond the walls, from experiencing new things as you quickly shut them down when you don’t like it or when you think it doesn’t align with yourself. There are better things that are waiting for you beyond the wall, but I’m seeing stubbornness here as well. There are many opportunities in life’s challenges, but instead of learning those lessons, you’ve chosen violence in the sense where the anger and grief is redirected at yourself, and sometimes towards the outer world, creating an imbalance in your heart.

3. Why should I break those walls of expectations? - The Moon rx

There’s a lot of messages on alignment that I’m getting from this pile. You’ve been through a lot of traumatising events, a lot of tension ever since you were a child and it had all made you a… Mess (the severity of it differs according to each individual). The path of healing gets much more difficult as you let time pass, so it’s best if you take charge and make the necessary changes now. There are many old, limiting beliefs, and one of them that I’m seeing is that you may feel that you’re not deserving of love. You need to surrender and throw them aside, so that you can be reborned into the limitless possibilities out there. 

4. How do I break those walls? - Seven of Swords

Work smart, not hard. I’m not sure how you can work smart with healing as it takes time, but I’m also seeing something like… Replacing? For example, replacing certain thoughts with another action. There may be times where you’d yell out in frustration and throw things when you’ve reached a certain point. Replace that with maybe…. Counting? Counting in various languages to calm yourself down. Rewire your brain and action, condition yourself. I hope I’m making sense here. 

5. How do I tune into my feelings? - Six of Cups

Emotional satisfaction is one thing I’m seeing as you’re called to reconnect with your inner child. There’s some form of recollection? Like, remembering the past to affirm yourself in the present. There’s a lot of anger I’m sensing in your current phase and that you’re called to remember the past, to remember the nice and not so nice things that have happened to you, telling yourself that you’ve worked hard and did your best despite all that had happened to you, that you’re doing a good job even when you’re walking on this lonely path, that you’ve sustained yourself and held on to the light and prayers you’ve been having with you.

6. What happens when I welcome the world with my new found feelings? - Seven of Cups rx

There will be some form of clarity that you’ll obtain, allowing yourself to proceed ahead with a goal in your head. There’s some form of awakening, where you wake up and pull yourself away from all the imaginations and illusions that you’ve been drowning yourself in. You know that you’ll get stronger day by day as you live truthfully to yourself, and that’s what you will and shall do. I’m also seeing that you’ll learn the beauty of life where you learn to appreciate it, and start to be more passionate about life.

Overall energy: The Emperor, King of Swords

I’m seeing a sharp energy over here. Emperor and King denote some temper here, where you can be acting kingly. High chances are that you’re in a leadership position, or have been leading yourself out of the troubles of life. Weirdly I’m also seeing something like… The sharp energy being directed inwards, where you may have caused some form of discomfort in yourself when you make a particular decision. Still, you surround yourself with those who support your vision, and there’s a sense of promise here where you’ll stay with those who you value and cherish.

.

..

...

Pile 4

Card of querent: Strength

You’re holding in strength and you’re not unleashing them anytime soon. It’s a quiet strength that I’m feeling, where you’re allowing yourself to grow stronger day by day, making sure that you’re working on whatever that’s gonna benefit you. I’m also seeing gentleness. Where you’re learning to be gentle to yourself and to also learn about acceptance, overcoming challenges by accepting things as they are and by being kind to yourself.

1. What negative/unhelpful expectations do I have towards myself? - The Magician rx

Similar to Pile 1, I feel that you may attempt to master as many skills as possible. But there’s a hint of competitiveness I’m seeing here, where you tend to compare yourself to other people who are 1) more experienced than you or 2) who have better chances/opportunities than you. The starting ground is different and yet you attempt to achieve better results in a shorter time, which makes the expectations you have for yourself unhealthy. There’s also this side of you who’s… Unwilling to accept the fact that outer circumstances can influence your capability, and you may end up putting more pressure onto yourself, which will make you end up in burn outs.

2. How have those expectations been holding me back? - Queen of Cups

They have obstructed you from being in tune with yourself. You’ve been so goal oriented to the point you’d sacrifice yourself and sometimes, even others, so that you can achieve what you wanted. Slowly, you start to lose yourself, lose your values, and maybe even lose what you thought was yours. For example, friends. You’ll need time and effort to maintain a healthy friendship. But sometimes, you’ve been so immersed in achieving your career goals to the point you may push your friends away and get close to someone else just for the sake of networking. In this case, you slowly lost the friendship that you thought wouldn’t change, but when you look back, things have changed drastically, especially in terms of emotions and interpersonal relationships. The reason I came up with this example is cuz Cups rule over emotions and the Queen rules over inner nurturing energy. 

3. Why should I break those walls of expectations? - Justice

It is to do yourself and the people around you justice. There are so many instances where your expectations have obstructed you from the balance in life. This aside, it has also stopped you from listening to the voices of the people around you. I’m seeing that you’ve been in your head for a long time and you actually have problems in getting out of them. The main colour theme in this card here is purple, but I’m also seeing some sort of fear and denial? So yeah, to do yourself justice, to treat the people around you with the needed kindness, to be able to be in tune with yourself so that you can receive the messages around you. It may sound difficult when you’re very much in your head, but there’s a need to trust in your feelings and let them guide you at times.

4. How do I break those walls? - Eight of Wands rx

Be patient, do not rush things through. The walls can only be broken down bit by bit. Even when life crashes in like a wrecking ball, the walls won’t be completely crushed within a single hit. It’ll take time, constant effort and patience. This in time, will be frustrating to you. But have faith, allow yourself to transition from the old to the new. These all sound difficult to achieve, but instead of looking for reasons to convince yourself that it’s impossible, know that time will pass eventually and you might as well use that time to pull the best out of yourself.

5. How do I tune into my feelings? - Knight of Pentacles rx

In your case, I’d suggest trying something traditional? Going back to your roots, to look at what you’ve done in the past and try gaining some insight from your experiences. There’s some sort of stagnation and you may have problems figuring out how to tune into those new found feelings. Probably going back to your roots and picking up a new habit, where you’ll be required to have patience and to continue doing the same thing everyday to make it a habit. For some reason, I’m seeing meditation and exercise. It’s gonna take time, and you may feel like giving up, but try doing it everyday to make it as natural as eating. 

I’m also seeing that you may want to try rekindling your past passion. You once were into something because that something provides comfort. It would probably be nice for you to try getting back to it where you can reconnect with a nostalgic past. Maybe start painting, pick up a book, or something like that.

6. What happens when I welcome the world with my new found feelings? - Four of Pentacles rx

I feel that you’ll be more self secured and stable, financially and physically. It feels like things have been rather rushed for you for these while. There is a lot of tension and motion that has been going on in your life, where you slowly lost touch with yourself. Once you’ve released the tension, you’ll be able to complete things and tasks at your own pace, and to not lose yourself from all that has been happening around you, to not be swayed by the waves around you. I’m seeing that you’ll be able to stand and welcome the wind that’s blowing against you. 

Overall energy: Temperance, Wheel of Fortune

The theme of balance is once again being reminded here. Ngl, I’ve had trouble writing this pile, like there’s some sort of blockage, some sort of stagnant energy. But paired with the Wheel of Fortune, I’m seeing this as a divine timing, where it’s just the perfect timing for you to head towards your dreams, to achieve whatever you’re aiming, to manifest your goals and desires. You probably may have some self esteem issues? Where you think you have to earn your own value? The cards want to assure that you’re beloved, you’re good enough for being yourself. 

[4dkellysworld]

Hii, I hope you're well and I wanted to ask a question about something more practical: I've read a couple of times that you shouldn't try to control or change your thoughts and also actions because our very fighting gives them life and that it's better to just observe and witness. But I also remember reading a post of yours that talked about how dropping habits (which kinda leads to your actions/thoughts changing) or clearing the subconscious is a way to let go of the ego and now I'm a bit unsure what I should do? I like the idea of dropping habits as a way to drop the ego but I worry that it's gonna get me more involved in it as well. Idk if this made sense lmao😭

Yes it makes sense, I know what you're asking (I had the same confusion once as well haha). The short answer is there is no right or wrong approach as the ones you mentioned are all valid but there are more appropriate and effective approaches for each of us, and that all depends on us personally - it's something you just have to figure out for yourself based on trial and error, also keeping in mind that the practices can be done for a bit and then dropped for something else later when it feels right to do so.

I suggest you read the answer in this ask on mind purification and also the linked articles if you feel called to.

Basically the purpose and goal of mind purification is to remove a lot of the mental junk (aka samskaras) that makes the mind noisy so it can be calm and quiet enough for one to abide in the Self. Sure, you can try jump straight to abiding in Self (such as witnessing) but most people will not be able to sustain this for very long (if at all) without taming the mind through spiritual practice first.

Paul Brunton calls mind purification the prepatory stage or the "long" path that is necessary for most people and the "short" path is where one basically abandons all effort to do with the mind (knowing that it cannot be completely purified as it is always creating new thoughts) and goes straight to abiding in Self (and there can also be phases where one is doing both simultaneously as a transition period). Being on the long path is what then makes the short path possible and easy. Trying to do the short path prematurely won't result in much (let me know if anyone wants more details on the short and long paths). Even the realized beings who realized themselves at an early age were only able to do so because of their previous incarnations which they spent on the long path (as Robert Adams has said before).

Here is some further explanation:

Whenever attention is taken away from objects and put back on itself (awareness), it will start dissolving the knot of ignorance. Usually, this is hard to do because our mental tendencies and habits make objectless awareness or the state of empty consciousness challenging to abide in and sustain. Paying attention to an object is so much easier than paying attention to no object at all! That’s why aspirants generally start by practicing easier forms of meditation like breath-awareness, or even grosser forms of spirituality like dualistic bhakti rituals. All of these have the purpose of calming the mind and of purifying it so that it can sustain prolonged attention on an objectless awareness.

They talk about using meditation and physical rituals to calm and purify the mind however I personally found releasing to be most effective (of course it is going to vary from person to person).

Even Buddha and Lester Levenson did mind purification which made their enlightenment possible :) I recently discovered there's actual records of Buddha's discourses (part of the Pali Canon) that were preserved and translated. In this one, he talks about facing his fears and dreads until they were gone.

I considered thus: 'Whenever recluses or brahmins unpurified in verbal conduct, unpurified in mental conduct, unpurified in livelihood resort to remote jungle-thicket resting places in the forest, they evoke unwholesome fear and dread. But I am purified in livelihood While I dwelt there, a wild animal would come up to me, or a peacock would knock off a branch, or the wind would rustle the leaves. I thought: 'What now if this is the fear and dread coming?' I thought: 'Why do I dwell always expecting fear and dread? What if I subdue that fear and dread while keeping the same posture that I am in when it comes upon me?' "How would it be if in the dark of the month, with no moon, I were to enter the most strange and frightening places, near tombs and in the thick of the forest, that I might come to understand fear and terror. And doing so, a wild animal would approach or the wind rustle the leaves and I would think, 'Perhaps the fear and terror now comes.' And being resolved to dispel the hold of that fear and terror, I remained in whatever posture it arose, sitting or standing, walking or lying down. I did not change until I had faced that fear and terror in that very posture, until I was free of its hold upon me. And having this thought, I did so. By facing the fear and terror I became free." (summarised it a bit since the way they write is a bit repetitive)

If you look from Passage 27 of that linked sutta, he talks about the knowledge he gained directly from Self/Source/"That"/Brahman which was possible because of his purified mind "When my concentrated mind was thus purified, bright, unblemished, rid of imperfection, malleable, wieldy, steady, and attained to imperturbability, I directed it to knowledge of the recollection of past lives. This was the first true knowledge attained by me in the first watch of the night. Ignorance was banished and true knowledge arose, darkness was banished and light arose, as happens in one who abides diligent, ardent, and resolute." The other knowledge he gained in that same night: knowledge of the passing away and reappearance of beings, and knowledge of the destruction of the taints.

When I knew and saw thus, my mind was liberated from the taint of sensual desire, from the taint of being, and from the taint of ignorance. When it was liberated, there came the knowl­edge: 'It is liberated.' I directly knew: 'Birth is destroyed, the holy life has been lived, what had to be done has been done, there is no more coming to any state of being.'

Reading the recount of Buddha's enlightenment reminded me so much of Lester Levenson's own self-realization and enlightenment (he didn't read these discourses either) because he also did releasing to purify his own mind by correcting his past and thoughts from non-love to love and then later on he did self-inquiry and meditation (read the excerpts from here and here) and he also talked of the insights he gained directly from Self as a result of his awakening.

Toward the end of my period of seeking, l one day saw that, my gosh! This whole thing is like a dream in my mind, just like a night dream! And it's a dream that never really was any more than a dream you had last night was. Was it a real thing, that dream you had last night? No. It was only in your mind. But of course until one awakens out of this everyday waking state, it seems real to one. The new reality was that I am, and that's all there is! That my beingness is the changeless essence of the universe, of course, I was punch-drunk, slap-happy, and in a state of euphoria. In this state the whole world looks perfect. Looking at my body, I also saw this body as part of that perfection. This instantly corrected all my ailments.

Lol this ended up being quite a long answer but I wanted to show why mind purification is important and necessary on this path using examples from people I'm confident were truly fully realized beings and went all the way. I don't agree with a lot of the current teachings which just say not to do anything, that there is nothing to do. If that were true, why do people even come to seek spirituality in the first place and want to turn away from the material life?

Of course you are already the Self! Of course there is nothing to accomplish from the perspective of the Absolute. Of course there is no goal because who you truly are is already enlightened. But do you feel that way? Are you entirely free from suffering, ever at peace, bliss and with genuine (nonintellectual) wisdom? If you follow this type of Neo-Advaita teaching, from either the “nothing to do” or the “you are already enlightened” school, you will go nowhere. At best, you will stagnate in a tiny “peace-empty” feeling after doing 5 minutes of intellectual Self-inquiry, and then you’ll believe that you are enlightened, especially if the teacher or guru says “Yes, that is the Self! You have awakened!” Then you can become a guru too. In all seriousness, the aforementioned is what’s trending nowadays. It may have its purpose in certain circumstances, but it is mostly deceiving and unhelpful. All genuine and truthful Gurus, such as the Buddha, Lahiri Mahasaya, and Ramana Maharshi preached the importance of spiritual practice.

So basically, dropping habits/limitations/ego and clearing the subconscious isn't getting more involved in it, it's part of being on the long path and purifying the mind! Eventually, even this practice is to be dropped so you can just easily abide in Self as the observer on the short path with a clear mind. Of course in the end it is all up to you. Your inner guidance will tell you what is right :)

[rohoenergy]

VESPER

When I made the first tape I didn’t know what the plan was I kinda just wanted to put out a tape for me and my friends. Even internally trying to harvest my potential in areas where I felt like seeds were planted for me and they were not entirely my own. Nothing can prepare you for the things that come with this music shit when you’re a small town boy and a virgin to the the city. EPHEMERAL was the root chakra, a moment in time that is frozen forever. A starting and referencing point. On occasion I still go back and visit that version of me for solace and guidance. 

I spent 2years after that in and out of love, in and out of vices, in and out the city, around and away from home…trying to make something of my myself even if to simply just make sense of my own life and it’s intended form. 

I had many studio sessions with MARS in 2021 even some virtual ones with EARL trying to create something and nothing would came out of my body. Nothing came out of my vocal cords either, I lost and fuckedup my singing voice, quite literally gave up on the idea of pursuing music for a while. (Wasn’t being “mysterious” lol. Was just going thru some things). But this life I swear, something about this life is so intricately designed that things are always in their place even when they feel out of place. VESPER came to me in a meditation. At night. And even the irony of a “vesper” being a literal night prayer. When VERSPER came to me that night it came with a new voice box, a new body and a new form. I kept a black leather journal these past two years and in one of the pages there’s some doodles with “ARCHANGEL” written in jet-black ink that held the formula for the entire project. I’ve been working subconsciously on this album for 3years without knowing it. 

This year I came back home to my mother’s house, I was hesitant on returning and starting from zero—especially after creating habits and new ways. She would hug me on my lowest days and tell me that I possess more power than I actually credit myself for and just like everybody else I needed to evaluate the shadow and embrace it because it won’t always be daytime. VESPER is nighttime. Venus in the night sky. It is redemption, for myself and for my conscious. I spent a portion of my life’s prime years around muses and amazing things and amazing people and we all seemed to come alive in the night, the most vulnerable time of day. VESPER is my shadow work in the most intensive way, goin through life’s darkest alleyways and venues. It is the realisation of your solitude even in the crowd, it is the most annoying and intrusive thoughts, it is emotional venom and sex…lots of it. VESPER is a scorpio, the sacral chakra. The divine feminine, my very own Lilith. VESPER is also the alchemy of redirecting all my misfortunes into shit I can scream out loud on stage to a crowd of open hearts as a form of therapy and healing. But most importantly, VESPER is me enjoying myself in the presence of everybody else. A beam of selenite glow on a new moon. The other side…

[lordfreg]

💙Leonardo Hamato💙

Valentine’s Day Gift to all my followers! Thank you for supporting me! (NSFW under the cut so if you’re not into that you can skip!!^^)

----

“I saw this flower and thought of you…”

💙DATING HIM💙

-the talkative type, he’s slim and muscly. Insecure about how he appears so please give him words of affirmation.

-he’s kinda awkward when first into the relationship, he really doesn’t know how to act, he’d watch a lot of rom-coms to try and get an idea of what to do

-cheesy pick up lines, like more cheese than a quesadilla

-flirting is a big thing for him, it always takes a leap of faith and he basically holds his breath and chokes while trying to flirt at all ; “ar-are you a baker..? Because you have some nice buns oh god—”

-training and sparring are also a HUGE role in the relationship, he loves to fight and train so he might become absorbed in his sparring

-he can’t really take you out on “dates” because, well, he’s a giant mutant turtle. But he’ll try his best to compensate.

-he loves plants and will probably treat you like one(😭), always petting you and making sure you have enough water

-he’s a DEFINITE malewife and will try his best to take care of you; though, it can come off as overbearing because he acts more like a parent then a boyfriend

-personal grooming at self care are a big part of his life (especially after everything that’s happened to him so far) and WILL rope you into his self care habits as well ; that means meditation, training, talking about your feelings and talking about any problems that may arise.

-Cuddling. Oh. my. GOSH. Cuddling!! Please hug him, and kiss him on the forehead and rub his shell

-He likes to alway be touching you somehow; hand on waist when standing next to you, head on your shoulder when  you’re relaxing, interlocking pinkies when just chilling; but he’s ALWAYS somehow touching you (sorry if you hate touch, he’ll be respectful an try not touch you but no promises!!)

-He loves to garden so you’ll probably be in the Botanical Gardens a lot; he’ll want to spend as much time with you as possible with you and he’ll probably say something cheesy like “You’re the most beautiful flower in the garden, Sunshine”

-He’ll sneak you into places you want to go. Too expensive? Don’t worry, Leo knows a back way in (he’ll also leave money if there’s an entrance fee or you guys take something)

-PET NAMES!!! He LOVES pet names; will call you anything that fits the scenario; kidnapped? Princess. In the garden? Sunshine, flower, ladybird. In a ninja suit? Masked Angle. Gaming with Mikey? Player #1. Whatever the occasion, he has a name for you.

-overall, he’s the best boyfriend that will MAKE SURE you take care of yourself and are happy.

💙NSFW💙

-he’s SUPER vanilla; he’s never even heard of a kink so don’t get your hopes up if you’re into that kind of thing

-he would be VERY flustered all of the time, he’d bury his head in your neck and moan if you’re riding him.

-he starts out as dominant, but as you will soon find, he is very much not. If you look at him the wrong way he’s melted.

-this poor man; if you’re naturally flirty, prepare yourself. he will try so hard to match your energy it’s kind of sad. 

-grinding is a big thing for him; just to be able to stare into your beautiful eyes as you pleasure yourself on him makes him so, so happy.

-he’s so flustered, the first time. he’s scared he’s too big, and then you reassure him that’s he’s fine. he’ll be so hesitant to touch you at all, this boy cannot handle even a thigh touch. like, once you get him hard, he won’t know what to do with himself.

-if you so much as make A, ONE, flirty comment, remark or gesture, he’ll go up in flames and think about only that for the rest of the day.

-he’ll try his best to pleasure you; even if that means kinks. he’ll be whatever you desire at the moment, he’ll do it. he’s mostly in it just to be with you, but if you want to pleasure him as well, just kiss him on the forehead and tell him he’s the most handsome boy in the world.

-now; we should probably actually talk about him. he’s pretty big, being the most human-sized one. he’s absolutely perfect, not too long, not too big; but amazing for a fucking. but he won’t call it that, he’ll call it “making love”. he want to love you fully and with every inch of himself.

-aftercare is a big thing for him; feeding you, watering you, making sure you feel loved and safe. even if it’s just vanilla, he’ll still tell you over and over again that he loves you.

-he’s more of a moaner then a grunt or churr-er. he’ll try to keep everything in, but this experience is just too pleasurable!! 

-he’ll want to make it as enjoyable as he can, for both of you<333

💜TAGS💜

@elainehayden​

@samuel-anser​

@pistaciio​

@gremmlyyy​

@toomanykinz​

@jasontoddisbest​

@tringot13​

@sillylittleguy1​

@cav3t0wnz​

@crowithy​

@raaaaaaa-a​

@hypocriticaltypwriter​

@mutechild​

@insertfemale​

@xcolliex​

@akidcalledalex​

@xthaliax​

@tdthebird​

@asterous101​

@the-ninja-with-the-sais​

@silster​

@dasdummenutellabrot​

@imadumdumjewel​

@meyexe​

@queenofgravyfries​

@knobsshamanics​

@keieli​

@cattonmilap​

@owoiwonderwhatsthis​

@randomfandomdemigirl​

@kiraponds​

@soggy-waffled-person​

@g0th1ccrybxby​

@antennasix​

@screamingnoodl​

@mimicofaperson​

@gabile18​

@pastadorable​

@donatelloswife​

@janet-the-dark-queen​

@rac0oncrimez​

@kirahana21​

@smolbread1​

@mechap​

@bookworm-2022​

@idiotic21​

@passionartx​

@disorganized-idiot​

@ssak-i​ 

@paperdonatello​ 

@missfandom16​ 

@marissatmnt-blog​ 

@wutdeedido​ 

@mutant-munchies​ 

@yourgurlami1234​ 

@casualjagodek​ 

💛Notes💛

Yeah, sorry it was short, i’m going to be posting and writing the rest throughout the rest of February 🪄👍 (I am very tired)

[natikoko]

Agent 4 (Adrian) character sheetzzz

I’m so sorry my baby I was procrastinating doing yours for like a week I’m so sorry

Adrian. Last Name unknown. 19 years old.

- 6’1ft

- From a lanky kid to almost 250 pounds of beef and gain. Had an extreme growth spurt in his teenage years, and combined with constant agent activity, made him into the guy he is today.

- Observant and calculating. Fueled by one single-minded determination at a time, he is easily one of the most effective agents in the NSS.

- Is selfish but selfless. His selfishness can be mistaken for heartlessness, and his selflessness can be mistaken for self sabotage. Make of that what you will.

- Insecure and vulnerable during splatoon 2, where he was fourteen. Helping Marie helped him boost his confidence plenty and made him feel needed when he was lost. His relationship with Marie is strong because of it.

• he doesn’t mention his life before meeting Marie often. It’s a sore spot.

- Confident and sensible. Manages to stay calm during the most stressful of situations. Meditates in his free-time helps. He’s very reliable.

- Can be a pushover at times. He just wants to help everyone!

- Enjoys literature and music. Is studying for a degree in music theory at Inkblot art academy. Takes up many extracurriculars (but has a hard time managing his time)

- Mains rollers, specifically Carbon’s or Krak-ons. Used to use dualies plentifully, but considers himself too tall to preform the evasive maneuvers he constantly did. Prefers strenuous weapons.

• Is ranked score is very high, despite him not playing often. Is probably really rusty now.

- Gets money funneled from his parents. Has a complicated relationship with them.

- He actually didn’t meet both 3(tilly) or 8(marlon) until almost half a year after Octo Expansion occurred. He was busy with his academics and Tilly and Marlon were both recovering from the deepsea metro, so they couldn’t meet right away.

• they instantly clicked when they met. They visited each other frequently and it strengthened their relationship.

• he “amazingly brought these two bumbling idiots together because they couldn’t confess” which is a complete lie, because Adrian is horrible with romance. They wouldn’t never started a relationship if Marlon didn’t state the obvious.

• Many sleepless nights trying to understand his feelings for those two…

- Is very good at shuffling cards, for some reason. But he’s horrible at card games, so…

- Physically the strongest out of all the NSS members. Marlon is strong, but wouldn’t last long without a weapon for aid. Tilly is his strongest competitor. It’s a debate amongst the NSS.

• he and Tilly fought to settle this debate. Adrian clotheslined Tilly so hard she momentarily passed out not even three minutes into the fight and it’s obvious who won

- Doesn’t cry. It’s an unhealthy habit that he’s trying to unlearn. When he does cry, it’s messy and snotty and it’s loud and gross

- But he will NOT let his girls bottle their emotions up. He will beat those feelings out of them if he has too. If he sees any ounce of repressed trauma he’s going therapist mode

• he sees a therapist! It’s nice to just have someone to talk to, yknow?

- Is the only one in the relationship who can remotely dress well. That’s not saying much

• wears plenty of shorts and plain t-shirts. Very much is a minimalist clothes kinda guy, but that’s on par with his shitty fashion sense (me tease)

- Huge fan of Hightide Era and Ink Theory

- Animals HATE him and he does not Know Why

- Speaks very loudly. Will ask the simplest question but shout it. He’ll ask “WHATS FOR DINNER‼️‼️” without knowing he’s shouting. Cannot control the volume of him voice

- Weird eating habits. Puts Ketchup in his tuna and peanut butter on his chips but he eats a lot of good home-prepared foods so it cancels out

- Tilly called him babygirl and I don’t think he’s been the same since

- Best hugger! They’re warm and comfortable and welcoming and he always rocks you back and forth, maybe even a firm pat on the back

- A big excitable guy! Don’t be mean to him!

[alyjojo]

Next Major Life Change 🏃🏻‍♀️ - April 2024 - Sagittarius

Meditation: A beautiful outdoor gathering, something like a brunch or dinner party. Everything was perfect, there were pink flowers everywhere 🌸, among all of the white tables, arches, tablecloths, a lot of white. The food was amazing, buffet style set ups with sophistication. It could’ve been wedding related, like a rehearsal dinner or something. The one thing you had forgotten was the seating, chairs, there were none. You didn’t care, you had several huge & cashmere looking blankets (also white) covering the ground, to make it more like a picnic. Every single person there was too good to sit on the blanket, this was a real snobby & pretentious crowd that did nothing but judge the entire time this event was going on. The only two that didn’t was an old lady in a wheelchair - she had a chair 🤷🏻‍♀️ and her idk 6-7 year old granddaughter who was oblivious to anyone else because they were playing patty cake together, and she loved picnics.

What It Is: Answering the Call ☎️, First Light 🌅 (bottom), Independence (Moon Aquarius), 2 Wands, 3 Cups rev, Death with Assertion (Sun Aries) & Justice

I’m getting possibly work or friends the most for you, having to separate yourself from “the group”, or at least think independently from them. A way of life as it was is over now, Answering the Call with First Light shows you already know what you have to do, or you will when the time comes, but you may not want to or feel ready. When is the right time? There is none, heavy Fool energy, but it’s like…forced? By fate? It doesn’t feel *bad*, just uncomfortable, like where you have to go, be, change for, whatever - it’s not what you’ve grown accustomed to and you’re not in your element anymore. Essentially that’s a good thing, it’s making you grow - because there is none of that anymore where you’ve been - if only a state of mind & habits.

The situation you’re put into may be spontaneous, there’s no time to prepare or plan, you have to act. I don’t see Towers, but I do see Assertion and Independence, that’s standing your ground regardless of who around you isn’t going to like it. Justice clarifies, whatever you’ll have to do will be the right thing, probably cutting off people around you that aren’t working out anymore as friends, I’m hearing “associates”, and possible coworkers if you have any level of authority, there could be some problem people you have to take care of. Do you want to? No, not at all, but whatever it is you’ll know you have to. Some of you may even have to get kinda harsh or very straightforward and blunt with it, there’s no sugarcoating with what needs to be done here. For someone it’s possible their aggressive behavior pushes you away, or another person if that’s something you struggle with. Someone is standing their ground and has the moral authority to do so, or the actual authority and this is disciplinary.

Why It’s Happening: 4 Cups, 2 Swords, Page of Swords with Fleur de Lis ⚜️ rev, Procrastination & Happy Accident

“Stop focusing on your problems and excuses; take a small step and do something constructive.”

“Fortunate accidents can act as guides to edit and be open to where you should go next.”

Why - because you haven’t cared until now. This isn’t something you want to deal with, whether it’s an issue with you or others, you’ve just kinda gone along with the status quo for who knows how long, pushing off any sort of action, sitting in indecision by choice. If these are friends that aren’t that great, maybe they party a lot and you don’t, or switch it, you haven’t been bothered that people are different than you and have mostly considered them friends. Again I hear “associates”, so you’re not particularly close with any of these people - thaaaaat’s it. That’s why Ostentation is here I got it. You’re using people, or you feel like they’re using you, money probably plays a big role in this…and you’re kinda looking like the bad guy, the Habits are yours. Choosing whatever option makes the money, having not much concern for what others are doing so long as you Assert your own position on things. It’s possible you’ve lost friends or supporters because of a narrow-minded way of believing or behaving, a “what’s in it for me” mindset. Or people around you do - that’s the main story. If it’s literally their job and they’re not doing it - you’re done putting up with it. If it’s people not on your level, same story. Balance will be restored even if you have to be “the bad guy”, or someone else takes on that role for you, depending on which side of this you’re on.

Nodding towards the meditation, there’s a clearly “boujee” way of life showing up and you just cannot care, do NOT care. Or whoever you’re dealing with doesn’t. There could be a lot of shallow behavior or materialism going on with the people around you, or you, people not doing what’s right - whatever that is - and you’ve held back long enough, it’s time to do something, probably SAY something. You’re about to teach some people that have impossible standards or expect royal treatment on some level, and you’re like uh huh “Welcome to Taco Bell…bitch”. It may just slip out, or a problem person finally hits the last straw before enough is enough and you can’t put it off anymore, they’re forcing your hand by pushing the line, boundaries, your buttons.

Advice: 9 Wands, Page of Pentacles rev, 3 Wands, Judgment rev with Starfish ⭐️ rev, Habits with Ostentation (Saturn Taurus) & Key 🔑, Courage

“Examine habits that may impede the pathways to your goals and encourage beneficial ones.”

“Have the courage to see the lessons in all situations and face them constructively.”

All you can do is persevere, continue moving through this cycle, feel confident that you’re on the right side of things (if you are), if someone else is disciplining you then you’ll know that’s your story too. Plans haven’t worked out, and you or whoever is in this Justice “knock it tf off” energy - that itself isn’t impulsive at all. It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back I’m hearing, maybe someone calls in all the freakin time. First it was illness, then it was kid issues, you’ve been patiently waiting for the story to change and growth to occur - to no avail. At some point, you’re going to be done with the all of the excuses and bullshit, it’s time to make a decision. Independence 💯 You have to do something on your own, because this indecisive, not taking action, not speaking up, hasn’t worked so far, and won’t. Happy Accident refers to the possible spontaneous events here it’s like that is IT, no more of this bs, I refuse. It’s going to take Courage, because you’d much rather sit back and allow chips to fall where they may. I’m hearing “if you don’t, someone else will.” - again this may pertain to many different things. Bad habits in business, financially, using people for gain or always needing something money wise. Like you’ve been nice and helping a friend out financially while they not only accept it but expect it at this point, like it’s your job: No ma’am/sir. Set boundaries 💯 Or, in some cases that’s pointless and they just gotta go, especially with people at work. With friends, idk how direct you’ll be, you could just realize there’s distance between you and assume the attitude of “take more time/space” because I mean…what kind of friends are those? Could be switched too. The habit of staying stuck in a rut to not address problems is what has to go, and whoever it’s regarding is likely to follow - or some habit of theirs perhaps.

[brunetteaura]

my insights for this month so far:

- oppenheimer movie is so so good one of the best movies ive seen in a very long time. if i had more money i wouldve gone to see it tomorrow again

- been obsessed with blush lately and for a while i thought it didnt look good on me but i think i just didnt know how to apply it properly. my makeup routine so far and the face i have now is the best ive ever had; i look amazing because i feel like i look like myself the most. if that makes sense

- day drinking is fun

- i dont have a purpose and i dont like doing anything. i just want money to see the world and eat good food so ill stop forcing myself to find this super deep mission to accomplish like im just a girl with hedonistic tendencies and thats fine

- im kinda over discovering new music in the genres i dont fuck with. its boring and tiring and i dont need to be the most educated person on music if i dont feel like it

- for the next weeks i hope to use my phone only to call my friends and family. other than that i really shouldnt waste so much time and energy just because its easy. what a dumb habit of mine (but tumblr is good i always feel good when im here)

- shawarma with curry sauce is one of the best dishes i couldve learned to make. god bless me

- yesterday i started doing this hawaiian meditation and i cried my eyes out to the point that my head hurt and it was very liberating. need to keep going

- no matter how much ive been hurt i should always have love in my heart and express it

- life can change when i change the way i see things. if i think im a loser for being alone then i will feel like one; if i look at it positively its the most powerful thing ever

[andro-dino]

Question 4 for all your mains but if the answer isn’t going to church I’ll smite them all down with my holy might

does the existence of beyblade moses imply beyblade bible and therefore beyblade Christianity? fun icebreaker questions to ask your friends

anyways

4. What’s a typical Sunday like for them?

the specification of Sunday immediately makes me think like, lazy relaxation day, so that’s kinda how I took these

Axyl and Zhouxing: I think both of them have a habit of naturally waking up pretty early, so even if they try to sleep in, they’re both typically up before 10 am. Axyl just because he’s a light sleeper with a rigid internal alarm but for Zhouxing, it’s because beylin temple days start real bright and early and as he actually tries to keep up with training more later on, this gets ingrained into schedule against his will. As a rest day for both of them, I think both of them just spend it very cozy and lazy, but in different ways. Axyl stays in bed for like several hours after waking up while Zhouxing is right up and at em with his morning routine. Mayhaps they go out together to get breakfast once axyl’s up. Zhouxing likes to be socially active and go out all the time but axyl prefers to stay home, so they might be doing different things on a day like that, but the one thing that’ll keep Zhouxing in is if axyl’s cuddling with him, bc then it’s like when you get trapped when a pet lays on top of you and gets comfy and you don’t wanna get up and disturb them. He doesn’t mind this though <3

Essi and Selen: Essi likes to get everything done in the morning to get it all out of the way and have the rest of the day to relax. She does a morning workout and does a bunch of household chores, meanwhile Selen sleeps in bc she’s a princess and likes to take it as a self care day whenever she gets the opportunity to relax. Luckily for her, Essi’s always willing to help out with whatever she needs so she doesn’t have to worry too much about that. She’s like a little border collie who always wants to have a job to do and can never relax unless she feels busy so she’s always happy to run errands or do chores for Selen as well. I think she makes fancy coffee for them both and listens to Selen talk about whatever she wants and it’s very cozy and sweet and they love each other dearly <3

Juno and Kite: ourghhh the silliests ever,,,,, I think they’d mostly just use it as like a parallel play kind of day. Juno spends her time baking and makes the whole place smell like sweet treats while Kite does his research n stuff on his computer <3 perhaps they go out n take eight to the skate park together and just have a nice little outing enjoying each others company. If they bump into anyone while they’re out I imagine juno chats politely and kite is like a little kid who just wants to go home. They get to enjoy some sweet treats together when they do 🫶

Ryoma and Victoria: something I’ve been thinking about recently with them is the idea that both of them are kind of rigorous and don’t take care of themselves as much as they should at first but for different reasons. Victoria comes mostly from her having the impulsiveness and drive that comes with being an adventurer and a blader, though Ryoma is both because he’s a blader but also kind of feels this expectation to always push himself beyond his limits to the most rigorous degree and doesn’t really give himself much care because of that. So I think once they’re in a relationship, Victoria starts being more conscious of this trait that both of them have and starts focusing on trying to get Ryoma to do more self care/relaxing stuff with her, both bc they need to do that and also as part of the process of breaking down his walls, and eventually later in life this ends up becoming an ingrained part of their routine. I like to think that maybe they do a lot of yoga/meditation type stuff specifically. Victoria passes this onto Sakyo too when he’s old enough to not fall over on his face doing it.

[boydykedevo]

"2. Any sleep habits either had to get used to?","3. Jealousy issues?","7. Do they want (have) kids?","9. If they got engaged… who proposed?" taagnus!!!! :3c

ask game

2. Any sleep habits either had to get used to?

As previously mentioned, Magnus's commitment to his early morning workouts lol, but also Taako's a total blanket hog. (Taako doesn't exactly SLEEP, cuz elf, and he only needs like 4 hours of meditation (iirc im not double checking the lore lol), but he likes getting to relax and cuddle with Magnus, so it's usually more than that. He goes to bed at like 2 am, so Magnus falls asleep alone and wakes up freezing cold cuz Taako climbed in and stole all his blankets and contorted himself into a weird position where he's like upside down how did that even happen Taako...)

3. Jealousy issues?

ABSOLUTELY while they're pining, less so when they're properly together. Before getting their memories back, Taako used to get super jealous about Julia and then feel horrible for it, especially cuz they weren't even in a commited relationship, who the fuck is he to get jealous over his coworker slash fuckbuddy's dead wife?? And Magnus used to get super upset when other people would flirt with Taako, both in the IPRE era “haha we’re bffs and not in love… unless….” phase and at the Bureau. (Taako sometimes intentionally flirted with other people cuz he liked seeing Magnus get possessive over him... he liked seeing how committed he is)

7. Do they want (have) kids?

I have a fankid, so they have at least one. I cant see them ending up with more than 2 or 3 max. I think Taako was super unsure if he'd be a good parent. He wanted a chance to give a kid a better childhood than he and Lup got, but it was always more of an idle fantasy than an actual plan. Magnus wanted kids from the time he was a kid, he used to be so upset he didn't have any younger siblings (he had some younger cousins he got to hang out with, but not too often). They used to talk about "when we're parents" while they were on the Starblaster, but again, it was always more of a fantasy than anything concrete; they weren't sure if they'd ever leave this cycle, so their future plans were always an abstract fantasy they never expected to come true.

9. If they got engaged… who proposed?

Magnus did the Official Big Proposal, but Taako was the one who suggested marriage first. In a very casual schrodinger's joke way ofc. He's never been big on commitment, mostly cuz he has a huge fear of abandonment, but it was like... he knew Magnus wasn't going to leave him, not after a hundred years, but it was still nice to have a piece of paper meaning it would at least be harder. Plus the fact Magnus had gotten married and it wasn't to Taako still made him kinda jealous. He doesn't need to be more important than Julia, he just needs to feel like they're on the same level. BUT he wanted Magnus to do the Proper Proposal, and Magnus was very excited to make it big and romantic (and public, which Taako was like. a little embarrassed about. But ultimately fine with. As long as it wasn't interrupting-a-sporting-event level public)

[whoslaurapalmer]

LULU'S THERAPY QUEST, AN UPDATE

-yes I title it differently each time bc I forget what I titled it before

-I have heard back from 4 people from psychologytoday!! One has openings at the end of the month but is kinda. New age-y and I respect crystals but not in my therapy

-one I'm waiting for a call back from today to hopefully schedule an intake this week!!

-one I have to call today (although I'm waiting for the other place to call first), he seems like. Okay but idk if we'll vibe. He said his patients 'find his voice soothing' and i was like 'well thats. A thing to put in your profile'

-another place said they had new patients on a waiting list and to call to be put on it, which is also a thing I can do!!

-really hoping on that place to call me back, though. Technically I was supposed to and I did but it was yesterday bc they didn't say WHEN to call back so I had to leave a message so TECHNICALLY TECHNICALLY they should call ME again

-I do hope to hear from my brother's therapist, though. Bc he's old but he's such a sweet guy.

-I think I have a smidge better handle on what is anxiety and what is tourettes and which one is doing which bc they both feed into each other and got more tangled up than usual and that's hard to, untangle, with the inhaling tic that turned into focusing on breathing, and which one is seasonal depression/regular depression/my ability to summon any and all previous anxiety trauma and not let it go :) sometimes every day is very stressful but it gets. A little easier each time!

-I signed up for a web chat tonight with adults with tourettes in my state!!!!! This is so terrifying!!!! I have never done anything like that before, ever!!!!!!!!! I want to do it, though!!!! I'm trying to talk more about it and find lots of people to talk about it with. Because I never really had people to do that with, or anybody to help me with it. Which as an adult has become very frustrating so I, hope i have a good time.......

-I also reached out to a tourettes clinic upstate and it's highly likely they can't help BUT I am operating on 'CAN'T HURT!' right now in contacting EVERYONE

-I am on day 13 of a meditation app which I think has helped a little!! I know it's only day 13 and I have to keep making it a consistent habit to really. You know. Feel more from it. And I often wish things would work NOW and immediately!!!!!! but they're a little better. And that's good.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

"God?" I said aloud, unsettling any woodland creatures who might not have noticed my solitary meditation. "Are You okay?"

"You DARE to question My wellbeing?" came the booming reply. It was inaudible, but a flock of ravens took off from the nearest tree, cackling in distress.

"Well, yeah." I leaned back and poured myself a cup of water from my canteen. "You've been really stressed out lately, with the war and all, and it seems like You've been smiting more and more people. I talked to some of them, and..."

"You've been TALKING to them?" A largish golden eagle fell to the ground at my feet, but it was only stunned.

"Well, yeah..." I backed off a few paces. Eagles don't much care for people, especially scared, semi-conscious eagles.

"You're not supposed to TALK to them! YOU HAVE VIOLATED..."

"Yeah, I know. You just said all of us had. But, like I said, it kinda seems like You're just getting sick of the whole moral absolutism thing. The black and the white. It's gotten pretty grey around here. It's been very grey, lately. It's got to be hard for a god to adjust to something like that after... Well, how long is it for You?"

"ETERNITY."

"Right. I know I can't fathom Your mind, but a person like me kinda gets used to the way things are and it's really hard and scary when they start to change. Especially like this. Nobody's really happy with this."

I could hear the crickets singing in the grass. It was far enough away from the fighting. When it was really bad, you couldn't even hear yourself at a scream, let alone a god.

It was quiet for a little while. I savoured it.

"...I don't like the bombs," the inaudible voice said uncertainly.

I laughed a little, couldn't help it. "None of us do."

"Then why do you use them?"

"We're too scared of what will happen if the other guys use them and we don't."

"That's so fucking stupid. If none of you like them, why don't you just..."

"Talk to each other?"

Quiet again, for a little while.

"It seems like that's not anyone's go-to solution," God muttered. "Is that My fault?"

"I don't know... Maybe not entirely. And if You can't fix it either, there's not much point in giving You the blame."

"So are we just going to leave it like this? This... This MESS?"

"I don't know. I don't want it to stay like this, but I've mainly been trying to keep myself and everyone I care about alive, so maybe we can be okay when it's over." I laughed again. "You're right about me breaking my oath. Probably about all of us."

"It seems like reality broke it for you."

"Maybe." I shrugged. "I don't have answers. I don't know what's next. I don't even know what's for dinner, or if I'll be alive to eat it. But I do know I'm not going to add a bunch of dead paladins to the damages, not for You or anyone else. They're doing their best."

"Do you think that of Me as well, little mortal? You forgive Me for doing My best?"

"Pretty much," I allowed. "Is that sinful of me? Hubris or something? Do you mind?"

"No," God sighed. "I suppose I don't mind. But I have no idea what else to do."

"Talk for a while, get our heads right, and try to cope with whatever comes next?"

"Maybe." Another pause, but a brief one. "It's funny, little mortal. There are always so many mortals begging for My help. Hopes, dreams, desires, fears. They ask Me, they thank Me - or they curse Me - and they love Me. But you're the first one who's ever asked Me how I am."

I smiled. "Don't worry. I won't make a habit of it."

You’re an oath-keeper, your god will whisper you the names of those paladins who have broken their oaths, and you slay them. But you awoke at night to an incomprehensibly long list of names, after an hour it said “ fuck it, all the paladins have broken their oath, slay them all”

[dzpenumbra]

2/20/23

It is a welcome relief to be able to finally say, after this hell of a month, that today was a good day. It had its tough moments, of course, but all-in-all, it was good.

I started the day with a shoulders and neck focused yoga routine, which was difficult in different ways than the usual full-body one, but overall was much less exhausting. It was a welcome change of pace. I can't believe I'm creeping up on 2 months of doing yoga every day. It feels like it's going to be similar to this journal if I keep pace, where it actually feels weird to not do it. They say all you need is 60 days to develop a lasting habit... Whoever "they" are.

I decided to do some breathing meditation after, which actually was... mildly successful. My brain was much more quiet this morning, yoga really helps with that when it grabs my focus, and once my brain is in yoga-mode, I really think that helps with meditation.

I ran out of energy drinks. I know, boo hoo. XD I decided to try chai instead this morning. It was good, it was just a bit watery for my taste, I don't really know how to make it properly yet. And... I drank like 3/4 of it and then just completely spaced out for an hour and a half. Like... that time just melted away. YouTube, of course, but like... it felt like 20 minutes or something.

My brother texted, he said he was home alone with his kid and his dog and invited me to come and keep them company, then do this takeout thing he was looking forward to when his wife got home. I was nervous. I don't know why, it was just... there. I stalled on getting back to him until after yoga, then let him know I could be there in an hour. He said it was cool whenever, and that's when the time just... disappeared. I was eating, and I've been eating really slow lately, so that was probably it. So I showered quick and swung over there, grabbing an energy drink along the way because... I was just... not really with it. Like I pulled my debit card early with the chip reader and everything, like I was just kinda on autopilot, so I justified going with the energy drink. I need to be mindful of tapering down on caffeine, not just cutting it out. Because my tolerance is very high, my regular intake is pretty damn high at an energy drink every day, and the effects of coming off of caffeine affect more than just my physical, it's like... cognitive and quality of life too. So... slow is steady, steady is fast. The Navy SEAL approach to cutting down on caffeine... XD

Before I left... I finally watched a video that my sister in law recommended, to show me... I'm already getting uncomfortable typing this, brace for it... the dog training philosophy they are down with. And... it made me uncomfortable. This has a bit of a backstory and I don't want to go too deep into it because it's really emotional for me, but I'll try and see how it goes. I always grew up with German Shepherds, and they've all been the sweetest, most lovely dogs. Every one of them. But my mom and a friend of hers she met when I was in middle school, who trained dogs, were really into like... competitive obedience training? Like... super into it. And I still don't really know why? Like... for protection, I guess? But like... I don't know, it's weird. It was just a part of my life since I was like 11, so I never really questioned it until recently. And my older brother is the same way, I guess, but he's... 3 years older than me... and still hasn't questioned it... And this obedience training, and protection training, was like... police dog training. Like military training kinda shit. And I've seen a lot of people doing it. And, to be fair, it's definitely effective, and impressive. But, if I'm being honest, a lot of the methods... I find unethical. This is the uncomfortable part, the part that turns my stomach a bit and sets off a bunch of trauma responses. Because I had a German Shepherd too. For 10 years. And she was trained before I got her, and I worked to train her as well on top of that, because she was supposed to serve as an actual service dog for me. And, for a while, did. My mom really insisted on it, she thought it would help me. (It actually ended up really throwing my life off and restricting my living/activity options, to be honest, but I loved my dog to death. Still do.)

For like... 7 years? I treated her... unfairly. And harshly. Not just in methodology, like shutting her in a crate for long periods of time and using an electric collar. I absolutely cringe and shudder when I type that now, but electric collars in my household were very normalized, and I... they make me deeply uncomfortable now. This is getting hard to write, so I'm going to kinda wrap up on this a little. For the last several years of her life, after gaining clarity and perspective, after connecting with her on a very very deep level, as a peer. As a friend, as a family member. I made up for it. I gave her an amazing, free, joyful, playful life. And I am so fucking glad I did. I threw her electric collar in the trash, I disassembled her crate permanently. I got her pretty bandanas to wear, and comfy pink collars. I let her wander off leash more often. I shared ice cream with her. I trusted her more, and we connected as friends. Not "master" and... well... animal servant? Trying to find a civil term for it.

Okay, that's enough for now, I'm tearing up. I'm telling this as context because... the animal trainer guy that my sister in law mentioned, that I looked up on YouTube before I went over? On the first page of videos, there was a video that was called something like "Building your dog's working drive by using social isolation as a learning tool." And my fucking heart sank. Like... Fuck. Like... dude. What? 1) working drive? Talk about buzz words, okay. Are we talking about like... slaves here? Just replace the word "dog" with "slave" and it starts to get really fucking uncomfortable. And I'd like to think it's not the fact that we were doing those actions to people that was the problem, it was the actions themselves. The treatment itself. That the treatment of another being in that way is something... not okay. But... we don't think about it that way when it comes to other species. Most don't at least.

So... why not? Like... okay, before going on huge tangents here, let me simplify and be direct. The ethical problem with using social isolation as a motivational tool for humans is because... it's traumatizing, it's like... actually a form of torture. And it causes pain and emotional distress as a form of punishment, and then the rebound effect of being reintroduced to social stimuli (let out of solitary confinement) is a massive positive boost. So you beat the shit out of the dog emotionally, and then when it comes back and gets that gigantic sugar cookie of a dopamine hit when it's finally free? You're there to connect that reward energy boost (that "working drive") to... discipline. Education. Obedience.

And why is this problematic with dogs? Well. Dogs are incredibly social animals, so much that they socialize with other species, it's why we domesticated them. And they are very emotional, and socially bond very deeply. Again... why we domesticated them. So... all the harmful things that are reasons why it's not okay to lock Jeff from Sales in a closet for 2 hours because he's not hitting quarterly quotas? The emotional distress, the trauma. Dogs feel those too. They are absolutely emotional animals, and... that's what started to make me feel really fucking guilty at an obscenely deep level... that changed my world view forever. The main justification I hear is... "dogs are much more... simple-minded than that." Right?

So what does that mean? It's not that they don't experience emotions. It's not that they don't think thoughts, or process pain or fear or any of that. They experience depression, they experience anxiety, they experience trauma and trauma responses. Manipulating these systems is literally how that style of training is intended to work. The fact that the training is effective is proof that trauma has a profound, noticeable effect on dogs. The difference in animal thinking and ours is... I like to compare it to... the difference between a child's thinking and our thinking. In some ways. A child's thoughts are much more simple and experiential, adults tend to be more complex and layered. I think an adult dog can learn and remember a lot of things, so they have a big pool of memory resources to dip into, but I firmly believe that they still experience the world similar to a young child. Just... with much less articulate verbal expression. So they can present as smarter than a young child in some ways, because they have that experience and memory bank to dip into, but I think they still experience life and think in less complex ways than adult humans.

So... using social isolation to motivate working drive... on a creature that has very clear emotional processing, can absolutely process and remember trauma, and has the experiential capacity of like... a 4 year old? And we shut them in a cage for 3 hours, and half the time they don't even know why? And then use the big "holy fuck, I'm finally free!" endorphin rush to... build excitement to go and do choreographed obedience exercises? That doesn't sound like man's best friend to me. It sounds like Stockholm Syndrome. It sounds like... it could go wrong at any moment. Like all it would take is the dog one day going "I'm fucking sick of this shit" and then they either bolt or start saying "no" to you.

And on the drive to my brothers house, I was ranting this shit at the fucking windshield of my rental car as I was driving down the highway, over the loud music even. I almost turned around. I was really upset. And I know. I KNOW. I can't bring it up. I can't say anything. And that dog, he's so damn sweet. He's just a kid! He's only two, he's a huge bundle of energy, he loves playing so much. But he's still learning, he gets a bit carried away and nippy, which is a very puppy thing. He's super gentle with it, I have not even once been concerned. But my brother definitely freaks out. I tried to be... subtle with my suggestions. I said I had a cat, and one of the first things I had to train Cerry was "gentle". It's a weird one that no one really ever brought up with me. The commands I was told you need to teach your dog were always... commands. Like... down, sit, here, out, stuff like that. But I had to teach my dog to be mindful of... how much she's putting into things. So I would teach her "slow" and "fast". I would teach her "gentle" and "rough". Degrees, gradients. And she knew the difference. And if she was getting too rough because we were dog-playing and she's a dog and I'm a soft-skinned kinda-hairless ape... I would just lock eyes and go "shh... gentle... gentle..." and once she really processed it, she would do it every damn time. And eventually, she even learned when and where to be gentle and where it was okay to play a bit rougher. I think it's SUPER important to teach that. Then they're not just looking to you all the time, and if you're not right there and they don't know what to do then.... what? They do nothing? Or they use their own judgement when they never were taught how to meter that? It seems like a dangerous situation, honestly. And I often see dogs teaching each other that in play. Like "fuck off, you're playing too rough". But we have the advantage of language, and it provides a big edge.

He didn't seem... too receptive to it. I'm unfortunately a bit used to that. I feel like everyone I meet is fucking skeptical of my advice. And it hurts. And it feeds my depression and anxiety like crazy. I hesitate to even share advice, because it's like... what's the point? I'm either going to offend and get yelled at, or they're just going to nod and smile and the second I leave go "yeah, not doing that dumb shit." It's frustrating, but, you know, you do your best.

And... yeah. I don't wanna dwell only on the negative but I'm kinda processing it right now. When my sister in law came home... she went down to take a shower, and at some point just put the dog in the crate. And over dinner, like half an hour later? Maybe an hour later? She explained that he had eaten my nephew's diaper. Like... not the entire diaper, just like... the contents... and some of the fabric, I guess? And my immediate response was like... yep, pretty much, that's life. I think my direct quote was "oh, he must be hungry." And they just went a completely different direction. My brother was like "oh my god, is he sick, is he going to die?" And my sister in law was like... she just seemed upset that he got into something. And I was just like... he's a dog. Who cares. He disposed of a diaper for you. If he pukes then that's no good. The wipes or whatever it was on that he ate is like... guaranteed to pass right through him. And I wanted SO BADLY to share my story of how I came home one day and found that my dog had eaten 7 out of 8 of my moon phase prayer flags. These flags were about 7-8 inch squares each. They must've smelled good or something, I don't know. But she somehow ate them all. And shit them out whole. It was a sight to see, because some of them were still connected! They were made of fucking cloth, she was 100% fine, but at the time I was worried, sure. But like... it's literally fiber. And if it were bad, bad... like a blockage or something? She would be making all kinds of noise.

Unfortunately for that sweet boy, he was left in the crate for a good 2+ hours for that transgression. And I... was very upset by this. Very upset. And every time I went by his crate, I would reach over and reassure him in the kindest, most subtle way I could. I didn't say anything about it. I don't know how I could. It felt similar to like... feeling compelled to tell my parents to get vaccinated. Or wanting to tell my former "best friend" that it made me super uncomfortable when she trained her daughter to send herself to timeout in her room, where she cried and screamed and had no idea why she was there, all the while my "best friend" was narrating to me and explaining the advantages of teaching a 7 year old (I think) how to punish their self. Fucking Twilight Zone shit. When I see things like that. I genuinely don't know what to do. And my PTSD kicks in and says "you are not fucking safe, if you speak up you will be attacked." It's just Red Alert on the Enterprise D, shields up.

So... I just... held my tongue... and made it up to him (the dog) later. I played with him as much as I could, and just made sure to vocally normalize his behaviors, like eating crumbs off the floor and stuff like that. Like "man, I miss having a living vacuum cleaner, made cleanup so much easier! Compost, too!" You know, bring a little light to it. Show that they aren't going to be judged for "not having a well trained dog", that whole bullshit, and that it's cool and we don't have to stress the small stuff.

I just don't know how to engage in those situations. It's confrontation, I guess. But... I don't know if it's the times? Or just me, being depleted of confidence and being trained to expect violent retaliation to like... any critique or disagreement... I don't know what it is. But it just. It doesn't feel safe. And... I hate that others have to suffer because I'm not brave enough to speak up. But at the same time... I feel like me speaking up... gets me kicked out, or not taken seriously, and in the end doesn't even save the victim. In the end, it almost does more damage, it almost eliminates the chance of change.

In the end, you can't change people. You can't make someone stop yelling at their kid. You can call child services when things cross a line or something, but they can only do so much. You just... try to gently guide them? And show them the other side? And hope they can see it? I think? I don't know.

My mind keeps going back to the Jedi. I always thought they were lame and pompous, smug, when I was a naïve younger man. Some of them kinda were, I guess, but like... not the way I thought. I was - and kinda still am - more pro-Grey Jedi. Sith obviously just... they're just self-indulgent. Like the cliche of Satanists, it's almost hedonistic, it's like violence for the sake of pleasure, power for the sake of pleasure, like just chasing a fucking high or something. But the sterility and emotionlessness and chastity of the Jedi always felt like... paranoid. Like it wasn't really necessary if your self-discipline practices were actually working! XD Which is ironic, that the pure, emotionless, still-minded Jedi would be so driven by Fear, of all emotions... knowing just how dangerous it is. It was like... their #1 biggest motivator, and ultimately their downfall. But yeah, I've always been leaning somewhere in the middle. Use your emotions, tap into them, embrace them, get to know them. But don't let them rule you. Find that equilibrium.

I got on to this because - I was trying to figure out how I got on this tangent XD - I was thinking of like... how would a Jedi handle this situation. They see mistreatment, and... it's family. And you know that going "hey, look, he just ate some baby shit, it's not the end of the world. He can come out and chill with us now, right?" even if it's friendly, even if it's civil, even if it's casual... it's kinda... persuasive. It's a little manipulative. And I honestly don't know where to draw the line on that. Is it really my place to disagree with that? To intervene? It is advocating for someone who can't advocate for their self. But it's also kind of a Jedi Mind Trick, which... to be frank... I've always wondered how the Jedi were ethically okay with... XD You're like the embodiment of justice and defending good and freedom, and you go around literally planting thoughts into everyday peoples' brains to manipulate them towards your intentions. Oh, sorry, we call it "influencing" now, my bad...

So yeah, clearly conflicted there.

Besides that... which I honestly just needed to get out of my system... It was a really good time. My nephew is a riot! He's having some vision problems, but he's being a real trooper adjusting to it. He's a great kid, and I miss and love being around kids. I'm very grateful to have the opportunity to live this close to him. My brother and sister in law were both exhausted. We connected, shared stories, it was nice. I talked about a few of my art project ideas, and they both seemed very intrigued and supportive of them, which was... new. It was a bit alien. I usually get yawns or eye rolls, but they seemed genuinely interested. My brother brought up sleep paralysis that he had recently, and I got a nice opportunity to share my insight on sleep and dreams, since that was a huge focus of study for me for ages. For so long that I actually have to remind myself that other people know very little about sleep and dreams, because of how normalized my research has been.

But I found out some interesting stuff about my brother too, that he has a very vivid imagination but it functions in a way similar to mine... aphantasia for the most part, until right on the edge of sleep or super sleep deprived, then super damn vivid. It seems like he's a bit more... polar, in that respect. And I'm a bit median. I can visualize things... somewhat? Sometimes? Not really, but kinda. Hard to describe. But my extremes don't seem to be as vivid as his. I don't know, I'm speculating, but it was interesting, especially since we're related. It's not a conversation I get to have often, and it's fun to learn about someone else and myself at the same time.

I'm hitting a lot of typos now, I'm getting really tired. So yeah, they gave me a table which is awesome, I have it here now. I stopped at a gas station and got ice cream on the way back, treating myself for not turning that car around and for being really committed and strong today. It was well worth it.

Bed time. Glad I processed all that. I don't have a conclusion, but I know very well why I feel the way I do, and I don't feel bad for feeling that way. That, in itself, is super helpful and a big part of why I journal.