#it was to let her know a baseline for our skill level which does make sense but i think 84 questions is a little excessive

[ramudamemura]

hi guys

looks at you like this

[pizzazz-party]

Ring Analysis Part 1: Synchronizing— How It Works and What It Tells Us About Ring

...As well as the world he lives in. Our buddy Ring may explain very little about himself, but he doesn’t need to if you’re paying—obsessive—attention to detail.

(Gameplay spoilers up to World 20 under the cut.)

For a mechanic that’s important enough to merit a cutscene, and then goes on to envelop every part of the game, “synchronizing” gets a handful of lines before it’s never explicitly brought up again.

So let’s go over this scene.

“Synchronizing” is, at first glance, a simple exchange of traits. That’s not entirely wrong. Trainee does physically take on characteristics specific to Ring, like the flaming hair, and Ring does gain access to her heartbeat reading, sort of like a living stethoscope.

But what syncing actually is, is a symbiotic relationship. It’s both participants “recalibrating” themselves to the other as best as each of them are able. For a flesh-and-blood partner that’s not built for syncing, this means physically changing to become something a little closer to Ring. (More on that later.) For Ring, a magical being designed with the extra sensory input in mind, it invisibly grants him access to the other’s most invaluable resource: their exercise energy.

Like synchronizing, “exercise energy” is another lovely concept that was mentioned once and then never again. So much so that I’ve been accidentally calling it “fitness energy” for weeks and am still trying to correct my reflexes.

But exercise energy is everything. If all it takes is a simple read of a heartbeat to jumpstart a sync bond, exercise energy is the glue that cements it together. Because Ring and Trainee don’t stop being synced whenever they’re not physically touching. They separate all the time. They can put a little distance between themselves and still be at the height of synchronization, even. But let’s take a step back for a moment, and talk about that “physically changing to become something a little closer to Ring” aspect.

Say that Trainee is doing a leg move at peak performance. Her hair is flaring up. Her legs are glowing that same yellowish hue—because they’re full of exercise energy. That’s what that is. That’s what it must be. It’s what Ring himself is partially made of, seeing as the same stuff flows through his veinlike tubes. Seriously. Look at this. It’s the same goddamn color.

I can’t understate how incredibly important exercise energy is. To synchronizing, to Ring, and to literally everything else. Exercise energy is a type of life energy. In the world of Ring Fit, it’s in everything, everywhere—in varying levels of purity and concentration. When Trainee is performing a fit skill, she almost seems to absorb a mystical...something... from the open air around her, as she charges up a skill. Thin lines of light streak towards her as she lights up, not away. See for yourself.

Trainee isn’t a normal inhabitant of ��Planet Fitness.” She doesn’t know how to manipulate exercise energy very well on her own. It looks like being synced with Ring has made her somewhat biologically closer to being made of exercise energy herself, and with that? The slight ability to absorb it from the air around her. It’s a really small thing, likely just a tiny boost of power she’s drawing in from her surroundings (and returning right back after a move is complete). But it’s there. It’s visibly happening. With one exception, this doesn’t occur outside of a fit battle. And that makes sense. A fit skill taking more energy than an air blast is very reasonable. Those crates littering the place are a lot less hardy than...whatever you would classify Monsters as. 

I mentioned an exception. Here it is:

Victory posing is such an odd little tradition, isn’t it? It’s unskippable; Ring always insists on it. And at first glance, his instructions are weird. “Pull in energy from the ground” sounds a bit like nonsense...except in this shot, Trainee is actually standing on a glowing platform full of Exercise Energy. (Yes, that’s what that is.) The moment she’s done charging her squat power, thin lines of light streak upwards— some into Trainee. And when she raises her arms, she expels all that excess energy into the open air. You can watch the process here.

And that’s where most of the EXP from victory posing comes from—from the well of exercise energy humming beneath her feet.

Exercise energy is life energy in constant motion. It’s created (for a lack of a better word) constantly as the body moves and burns calories. It’s also expelled constantly, and this is most visible when Trainee works out. It is not, under any circumstances, meant to be trapped in the body forever. But the act of having possessed any of it at all gives Trainee EXP, a byproduct, which can be kept forever.

———

Ring says in the initial cutscene, “The more you exercise, the more synchronized we’ll be!” The more Trainee exercises, the more exercise energy her body holds at time. The more exercise energy she holds, the more alike she and Ring are in that very moment. The more alike they are—the more in sync they are.

———

The two way connection created by synchronizing is closer to a metaphysical fusion of both participants than a simple trade off. Ring’s powers are (almost but not quite) Trainee’s powers. Trainee’s body is (almost but not quite) Ring’s body. It’s both easy and hard to see where one’s work stops and the other’s begins. So let’s lay down some quick facts.

One! In terms of powers—everything Ring and Trainee can do together, Ring can do alone. It’ll be weaker. But he can do it. He’s got his own supply of exercise energy and he’s a master at manipulating it. Ring is not helpless; you are.

Two! The glowing limbs you fight with in a fit battle belong to Ring—not Trainee. Here are even some screen caps of Ring vaguely referring to them both. (It’s even in all-important blue text.)

Three! Ring is always actively contributing to your fit battles. He is never just counting reps or giving tips. As Trainee charges up a fit skill, Ring is constantly channeling the resulting energy into powering up his battle constructs. He is actively aiming said constructs for you, always.

In the case of specific fit skills, where Ring’s battle constructs immediately appear as buff as can be—it’s because Trainee is helping. A lot of what these instances have in common is the fact that the fit skills in question are less... involved?

Imagine being Trainee, and trying to keep a good aim on the enemy as you do the Mountain Climber move. (Or even squats. I do too many of those and I start disconnecting from reality.) The Ring Raise move, on the other hand, is gentler and gives Trainee a clear, unobstructed view of the enemy throughout the whole exercise. It gives her the wiggle room to try her hand at manipulating her own exercise energy directly.

With Ring and Trainee working together, the charge-up effect is therefore instantaneous.

Four! Canonically, despite the two of them being synced, Ring can shut off Trainee’s access to his powers at any time. That’s because, for them to work in the first place, Ring must be consciously activating them. In some animations at the start of a course, Trainee stretches by pulling on him at both ends. This should summon a suction vortex. But it doesn’t. Because Ring knows Trainee is just doing a pre-run stretch.

It explains why you can’t summon a Mega Ab Guard whenever you feel like it; only when Ring suggests it. Or why you can’t just suck up tokens in mini games like Dreadmill (Ring is too honest to help you cheat). Yes, it’s a game mechanic thing. But it’s a mechanic that Ring canonically controls. Trainee absolutely cannot use any of his abilities without his explicit consent. And that’s probably why she hasn’t accidentally killed somebody in combat yet—Ring is super careful. (He’s a professional, you know.)

———

Now that we have a better understanding of what exercise energy is and a better grasp on how Ring works—let’s circle back one more time to that “physically changing to become something a little closer to Ring” aspect. Because there’s one last insane thing we skipped over.

Trainee is initially the baseline in our understanding of what exercise energy looks like in a human being. Her yellow-orange flames are our constant companion—and therefore we get misled, because Trainee is an outlier. She is synced to Ring, and Ring is extraordinary. So she’s not a good example of the average person.

But in this case, despite being a literal master, Guru Andma is.

Guru Andma, “the balance master,” is the only other human character we see using attacks consisting of all three muscle groups. Her fight is a wealth of knowledge in of itself. When she flexes her arms, they fill with RED energy. When she flexes her abdomen, it fills with YELLOW energy. When she flexes her leg, it fills with BLUE energy. This is the standard for human beings. This is normal.

What this implies then, is that synchronizing with Ring has overwritten Trainee’s original energy signature. Ring’s energy is decidedly NOT human. It’s not even fit-skill yellow; it looks close, but it’s really something else entirely. Ring of course can convert Trainee’s energy into traditional reds, yellows, and blues for a fight. (Or at least, he can fake it if he doesn’t have his Color Coding ability. He once mimicked the flames of Dark Influence early on in the game; some superficial color editing is not above him.)

But yeah. Trainee’s energy is now definitely abnormal.

And yet the process didn’t seem to put her in any physical pain? I really doubt Ring would have sprung that on her if it did. (I mean, he still should have asked for permission first.) I’d wager the effects of syncing, as deep as are, aren’t permanent once the bond is dissolved. What Ring is doing—“synchronizing”—is somehow, simultaneously, extremely mystical and yet completely natural.

———

Last segment, before I let you go.

For a long time, I wondered: what are the prerequisites, that denote syncing potential? Not impressive muscles, I’m sure; it’s heavily implied Dragaux once synced with Ring, and he was infamously skinny. Could the general attitude of a person play a role, if Ring’s energy is pure positive exercise energy? Or could it be genetic? Maybe even entirely random?

I wasn’t sure until I fought the four masters, and especially after fighting Guru Andma.

I’ll bet you anything that there’s something inherently flexible about Trainee, for a human. Something more malleable, and therefore more amenable to undergoing the dramatic changes of a sync bond. And I’ll bet you further that it has something to do with the fact that Trainee had zero previous experience wielding exercise energy at the start of the game.

Because Ring tells Trainee she has potential right after identifying that she’s new.

(The less developed a person is initially, the easier it could be to sync with Ring. Whereas a person with more intensive training would be incompatible.)

And if you’re still convinced that Ring was just impressed with her muscles—please remember that Ring is not human, and does not experience life through the same lens. It’s implied he can “see” energy with more than just his eyes. It’s how you can drop him in a new temple in an unfamiliar land and he’ll still be able to tell Trainee when she’s close to the finish line. (He forgot what static stretching was that one time. He does not have these floor plans memorized.) To him, those glowing wells at the end are like straight up beacons.

He was absolutely examining her energy.

———

To Ring, syncing probably isn’t worth writing an entire essay about. It’s natural to him, instinctive. It’s Ring making a promise to watch over someone, and to have their back as they will have his. And I think that’s beautiful. Frustrating to my curiosity, but beautiful.

———

TLDR; Synchronizing is a metaphysical bond sustained through Exercise Energy, a substance mentioned once in World 1 that encompasses the whole game. It exists everywhere in everything, in different variations of intensity and purity. Ring especially is partially made of exercise energy. It’s the glowing stuff in his tubes. There’s more, but that’s the gist of it. DISCLAIMER: This is for fun! I just wanted to try my hand at explaining how the magical sentient Pilates ring works. I feel pretty strongly about my conclusions, but I’ll go back and edit this if/when/where applicable. Thank you for reading.

———

EDIT (June 20, 2021): Updated header image. Also added a link to Ring mimicking DI.

EDIT (August 12, 2021): Added links to part 2 and 3.

———

RING ANALYSIS

Part 1: Synchronizing— How it Works and What It Tells Us About Ring

Part 2: Ring’s Powers—And What They All Have In Common

Part 3: Ring’s Biology and Possible Origins

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #45: Mata Hari

Today on Fate and Phantasms, we’re building the living embodiment of clickbait, Mata Hari! If this post ends up getting five times as many notes as normal, it’s okay, I understand. Mata Hari is another bard/rogue combination, this time mixing the college of glamour with a mastermind. She can help out in combat, but her strongest points are going deep undercover to learn an enemy’s secrets.

You can read the level-by-level breakdown below the cut, or check out the summary spreadsheet here.

Race and Background

Mata Hari is a Human(though like the Phantom, if you want to spice it up Siren is a good place to start), giving her +1 to all stats. Mata Hari is the textbook example of a Charlatan, giving her proficiency in Deception and Sleight of Hand, as well as the Disguise and Forgery kits. She also has a False Identity she can assume, complete with disguises and documentation. Furthermore, she can forge documents she has seen before.

Stats

Your highest stat is Charisma: you’re so good at charming people they literally can’t tell you’re an enemy unless they’re told so, that’s pretty charming. You’re also a dancer, which requires a lot of Dexterity (or it would if dnd stats made sense). Next is your Wisdom, a good spy needs to know when they’re being watched. Follow this with Intelligence, you’re not unusually smart, but we need to keep your physical scores as low as possible. Constitution is next, because we’re never going to dump that if at all possible. Finally, we’re dumping strength, because dex builds don’t need it.

Class Levels

1. Rogue 1: We’re starting the build as a rogue because they have the most proficiencies, and they’re ones you want. At first level, you become proficient in Dexterity and Intelligence saves, as well as Persuasion and Performance for obvious reasons, Stealth for even more obvious reasons, and Insight. You can’t string people along if you don’t know what they want.

First level rogues get Expertise in two skills, doubling their proficiency. Your Deception and Persuasion should be as strong as possible, so let’s start there. You probably won’t use your Sneak Attack that often, but it’s always there if you need some extra damage on a creature you have advantage over or an ally within 5′ of. Finally, your Thieves’ Cant lets you talk to other rogues without people catching on, assuming there are other rogues. Maybe you should coordinate with another party member.

2. Rogue 2: At second level you get your Cunning Action, letting you disengage, dash, or hide as a bonus action. Ideally the enemy won’t know you’re working against them, but a way to get out of danger without being turned into a shishkebab is always a good idea.

3. Rogue 3: At third level you become an official Mastermind, becoming a Master of Intrigue and a Master of Tactics. Master of Intrigue gives you proficiencies you already have, two languages, and the ability to mimic speech patterns and accents that you’ve heard for more than a minute. There isn’t a limit on how long you can copy an accent for, so that’s why Mata Hari started the game with a thick scottish accent, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it’s the only accent I know, shut up. As a Master of Tactics, you can Help as a bonus action, and it has a range of 30′.

4. Rogue 4: 30′ is some rookie numbers, and we can improve that by using our first ASI on the Tandem Tactician feat. This increases your helping range by 10′, and you can help two people at once if they’re targeting the same enemy. Toss in some thieves’ cant or a foreign language and you’ll be useful for your party no matter which side you appear to be on.

5. Bard 1: When you multiclass into bard, you  get one skill proficiency of your choice. Perception is a good choice-again, you need to know if anyone’s watching you before you do the whole��“stealing state secrets” thing. You’re not making that mistake again.

First level bards have Spellcasting based on their charisma as well as Bardic Inspiration, a bunch of d6 you can throw at people to help them.

For spells, grab Friends, Unearthly Chorus, and Charm Person for extra charming action, Message because learning an enemy’s secrets doesn’t mean much if you can’t pass them off to your friends, Disguise Self to help you infiltrate no-humans-allowed areas, and Sleep for ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

6. Rogue 5: Your Uncanny Dodge lets you react to avoid half the damage of an attack. Getting hurt is bad, stop doing it.

7. Rogue 6: Your second round of Expertise boosts your Performance and Insight. You’re good at dancing, and stealing things from the saps watching you dance. Now you’re even better at doing both of those.

8. Rogue 7: Seventh level rogues gain Evasion, severely reducing the amount of damage you take from dexterity saving throw attacks. If you’re consorting with the enemy, some splash damage is going to hit you. Now it’ll hit you less!

9. Bard 2: You’re now a Jack of All Trades, adding half your proficiency to all nonproficient checks. You also learn how to sing a Song of Rest, adding a d6 to any healing your party does on short rests.

For your spell this level, grab Animal Friendship. Your charm might not hit most creatures, but it does work on Orion, so I’m counting it.

10. Rogue 8: Your next ASI is going to improve your Charisma for more charming and more Bard fun.

11. Bard 3: Speaking of Bard, here’s your last level in it. At third level you get Expertise in two more skills, pick Stealth and Sleight of Hand- you’re a spy, and those tend to help.

You also graduate from the College of Glamour at this level, giving you two more features. The Mantle of Inspiration lets you burn a bardic inspiration die as a bonus action to heal a couple people and let them move without causing attacks of opportunity. Is your wizard facing down a raging barbarian? Now they’re not.

You also learn to put on an Enthralling Performance, letting you charm a number of creatures once per short rest after you perform for a minute or more. They won’t fight for you unless they would anyway, but they’ll be good to you while they’re charmed.

Speaking of enthralling, Enthrall is your final bard spell. It causes any number of creatures within 60′ of you to make a wisdom save, and on a failure they have disadvantage against perceiving creatures who aren’t you. If you’re at the bar with your friends and your real friends show up, that could be a problem. This spell will keep everybody groovy for a while.

12. Rogue 9: You’re now an Insightful Manipulator, meaning if you chat up a creature for 1 minute outside of combat, you can learn two of the following characteristics: its Intelligence score, its Wisdom score, its Charisma score, or its class levels. You might also learn some of its history, and that last bit is the real goldmine here. You can’t be a fake manic pixie dream girl if you don’t know what hole in someone’s life you can pretend to fill.

13. Rogue 10: For this level’s ASI, you become a Linguist. This gives you a couple extra languages to pad out the number of countries you can pretend to be from, and more importantly lets you write down codes. Sometimes you need to talk to your party and you can’t get an opening for Message or Thieves’ Cant; this will help out.

14. Rogue 11: You now have Reliable Talent: any skill you’re proficient in will always have a roll of 10 or higher. This means your deception and persuasion rolls have a baseline of 24 that they’ll always be at or above, so your cover story is pretty much unbreakable.

15. Rogue 12: Max out your Charisma with this ASI for better lying, spells, and more inspiration.

16. Rogue 13: Thirteenth level masterminds learn Misdirection. If there’s an attack heading your way, and there’s a creature within 5′ of you between you and the attacker, you can react to make the attack hit them instead. This means if you play your cards right, your terrible AC is secretly someone else’s. Hang out around that guy in plate mail an get your party to send one attack your way each round, and he’ll be a pincushion in no time.

17. Rogue 14: You get Blindsense this level, letting you know the location of any creature within 10′ of you as long as you can hear. This isn’t particularly useful for this build, but you’re not one to turn down free things.

18. Rogue 15: You now have a Slippery Mind, giving you proficiency in Wisdom saves. Most of your stats aside from charisma aren’t great, so take what you can get.

19. Rogue 16: Use your last ASI to improve your Dexterity and Constitution. You aren’t using these that often, but if you go to stab the big bad in the back an miss, it would be really awkward.

20. Rogue 17: For your capstone level, you gain a Soul of Deceit. Your mind can’t be read unless you will it, and you can’t be magically compelled to tell the truth either. Falling into a zone of truth mid-job is a rookie mistake, one you won’t be making.

Pros: You’re an expert manipulator, knowing exactly what buttons to push to trick people into doing what you want. Moreover, you don’t have to worry about a fight breaking out, because your entire fighting style is letting someone else take care of it. Some advice here, a shove there, and soon enough you’re the only one still standing.

Cons: Your entire not-fighting style means you won’t get to use your sneak attack, and 9d6 damage per turn is a lot to just ignore. Skimping on bard levels leaves you with very little magic each day, and not getting the Font of Inspiration especially hurts. Finally, some games simply won’t work for you. Being a master of seduction doesn’t help when you’re fighting automatons. Also, like 90% of the evil groups in D&D are slavers; you probably don’t want to try and cozy up to them. Even when there’s an enemy army you can worm your way into, you might be forcing your DM to run two games at once, which they won’t appreciate. 

Next up: We’re finishing off the assassins with someone we’ve already built twice. Kind of.

[white-collar-lawmen-and-conmen]

Bite (Part One)

Summary: Peter’s team is invited onto a big case in which their involvement will have serious consequences.

Word Count: 4,529

A/N: The summary is vague and doesn’t include the request, because the request itself would give away the ending. This fic was supposed to be a oneshot, but the plot was largely left up to me and I had an idea I thought was fantastic. I didn’t realize it was going to become so long. I think this is part one of three. Anyway... enjoy?

           “Yikes,” you said with a level tone. “Always wear a hard hat, I guess.”

           Ruiz glared at you. “You think this is funny?”

           “Calm down,” Hughes raised his voice to talk over Ruiz and he gave you a hard stare that said not to aggravate the visiting agents. You put your hands up innocently. It wasn’t your fault that Ruiz had such pressable buttons.

           Ruiz glared back at Hughes for all of half a second before he realized he wasn’t going to win that fight, and he used his clicker to make the projector move to the next slide. The crime scene photo went away and was replaced with a candid photograph of a white man in a snug polo with shades over his eyes, hair gelled back.

           “Look, the culprit is Caffrey’s dress sense,” Diana snickered. She earned grins from yourself and Jones and Neal scowled at her from the other side of the table.

           “I resent that.”

           “All of you, shut up,” Hughes commanded, a vein in his forehead looking particularly pink. Everyone from the white collar unit listened and the unit chief gave an aggravated wave of his wrist towards Ruiz, whose agents were all looking either plainly amused or secretly amused and trying to hide it. Neal had always gotten under Eric’s skin, and so did everyone who took Neal’s side by extension. It was funny to see how bent out of shape he could get in such a short time.

           Ruiz clenched his jaw and it looked like he ground his teeth while getting his temper under control. “Seamus Brady,” he said angrily. You still weren’t sure if he was morally outraged by the suspected murderer, or if he was just still being fussy about being ordered to invite Peter and his team onto the case. “43, American, with friends in Ireland and Wales. This bastard works hand-in-hand with suspects on Wall Street we haven’t been able to bag yet, managing a private company and swindling his investors.” He fixed his eyes on you and glared. “Henry Wallace was goin’ to take him to court next month before he ended up with his head bashed in.”

           You just looked back at him. Working in law enforcement, you saw a lot of people do really awful things, and if you let every violent crime get you down, you’d never have been able to do your job for this long. You weren’t going to feel bad for not breaking into tears instead of quipping during the uncomfortable silence following the completely context-free reveal of ugly CSI pictures.

           “You think Brady took Wallace out of the picture because he knew he was going to go down for it,” Peter urged Ruiz to continue, and, because they rarely saw eye-to-eye, Ruiz sent him a disgruntled look before resuming.

           “I’m damn sure of it. Now that Wallace is gone, there’s no one to press charges. Problem is, Brady has got near a dozen people corroborating his alibi for the night this happened, but does that look like an accident to you?”

           “Have you considered he didn’t do it?” Diana asked seriously. “Some people are really unlikeable. It can make a lot of enemies.” You got the distinct impression that she was referring to the number of people in the room who wouldn’t mind popping Ruiz in the jaw once or twice.

           Ruiz glared at her next. The guy needed to loosen up. “I’d consider it if it was worth the time,” he said shortly. “Everyone supporting his alibi’s suspected of getting cuts of his profits.”

           “Ah, the old “you knock mine, I’ll knock yours” method.” Neal nodded with his nose wrinkled in distaste. It was an increasingly commonly-known way of getting alibis to discount a motive, but mostly, the artist had never thought highly of violence, or anyone who resorted to it.

           “Looks like,” Ruiz grudgingly acknowledged. “But instead of waiting for the turnabout, we want to lock this monster up before more bodies start dropping dead in Queens. I’ve already talked to him, so I want your boy to go undercover, Burke.”

           No one commented on the way he referred to Neal. Infantilizing and deriding were pretty much the norm when it came to Ruiz’s interactions with the ex-con, no matter how civil Neal tried to be, and now everyone had stopped batting an eye because it would only fire him up more if you did. Neal certainly didn’t appreciate it, though, and neither did Peter.

           “You just showed us all a picture of the last guy who threatened him,” Peter objected, pointing up at the projection screen. “I can’t send Neal into that without a good plan in place.”

           “I’d prefer you didn’t at all,” Neal interjected dully, looking very aware of the fact that his vote didn’t really count.

           “We got a plan,” Ruiz told Peter, his nostrils flaring from the quick and negative response. “You think your team’s the only one that does any field work? Nah, Burke.” You and Diana both looked at each other at the same time, wondering if Ruiz had intended to rhyme or not. The organized crime agent clicked his remote and the projector went to the next image – some fancy-shmancy residence for the rich you’d never be able to afford to spend a night in, much less live indefinitely. “Every other week these dirtbags get together. It’s probably where we got the best chance of getting something incriminating on them.”

           “So you want Neal to somehow get invited into that high-as-heaven loft and wear a wire,” you predicted, finishing the plan for Ruiz and crossing your arms. Neal mirrored you, also crossing his arms, going off of your tone of voice to figure out that you didn’t like the plan and deciding to lend his support to anyone interested in keeping him out of it. “That’s a long-term op. They have to build rapport before anything happens.”

           “Unless we apply some pressure,” Peter theorized, and immediately, Neal uncrossed his arms and looked at his partner, wounded, as though he were thinking how dare you get on board with this?

           “Let’s be careful where we go applying pressure,” Neal requested pointedly, “Because pressure can be deadly. Especially for me.”

           “It’s good-cop, bad-cop,” Ruiz puffed, putting a hand on his belt. “A crook goes in looking for a legit, high-profile, high-payoff job and a fed makes it seem like the bureau’s gonna get our guy unless he moves faster than we can,” Ruiz finished, ignoring your interruption. “Guy knows the crook’s history, knows he’ll take a risk for a heftier profit, knows he’s got the skill to do it. He takes the chance, except the crook’s on our side, tapped and live.”

           “We’ve done some really similar ones,” you said thoughtfully, recalling a particular case where Neal had gotten himself hired as a political fixer while Peter filled the role of an obstinate, dogged cop. The pressure Peter put on the dirty politician led the man straight to Neal, who, under an alias, pushed things in the right direction. It hadn’t gone exactly to plan, but it had ultimately worked out.

            “It’s this or the guy walks.” Ruiz looked at Peter and almost dared him to disagree. The man had a very aggressive way of cooperating with other agents and you were tempted to ask if he’d ever considered being less of a hardass. Maybe people would like him more. “Chatter says he’s gonna be takin’ a trip out of New York in the next couple months. We don’t try now, we may never get this chance again.”

           Peter didn’t answer right away, looking at the loft on the projector screen and thinking deeply. As you had remembered, the last time this scheme had been used, it almost ended poorly – if Diana weren’t so quick with her gun, she may have been badly injured. However, there was probably not any chance of things going as unexpectedly off the rails as they had that time, and since Neal would be wearing a live transmitter, he could use a safe phrase the moment an attitude shifted the wrong direction. If he had to call it, then the bureau would probably lose the case; Brady would clam up and leave the jurisdiction, if he had any brain cells to rub together. It was unacceptable to let Neal be harmed for the sake of a ploy that may or may not work, so Ruiz was banking on Brady not being quick to anger or turn to violence. It was a brave gamble, considering his entire basis for being so pushy was that someone was already dead.

           “Say I agree,” Peter said slowly, and Ruiz made the hand against his belt into a frustrated fist. “Neal goes under first, gets to know the guy, see his baseline. Then we introduce a federal agent. If he gets agitated, Neal can spot the difference and get out.”

           Ruiz said briskly, “Yeah, duh, if he doesn’t think Caffrey’s an option there’s no point in sending an agent in.”

           “Who plays the agent?” Neal piped up again. “Because I vote it’s not you.”

           “Can’t be you, Ruiz,” you agreed, having Neal’s back. You tended to agree because he was a good strategist. It had nothing to do with a personal dislike for your fellow agent. Nothing at all. “If he’s already seen you, it’s too risky, he might think something’s up.”

           “But if it were a different agent, from a different division…” Jones trailed off and held a hand out like he was saying it could work.

           You nodded, and you, Jones, Diana, and Neal all looked to Peter. Your team leader was often very diplomatic about the choices he made in how to pursue cases, and this was no different. He saw you all seemed prepared to plan the operation, and gave Neal an extra look to make sure that his CI wasn’t completely opposed to the idea. Then the senior agent looked to Ruiz, and Hughes, and nodded assent with a tired sigh.

           “Alright,” Madeline, one of Ruiz’s agents, said, making a note on her laptop. “Burke is the bad cop.”

           “Or is it good cop?” You asked thoughtfully. If the fed in the plan were trying very hard to arrest an embezzler, then wasn’t the cop actually doing his job?

           “Not to Brady,” Neal told you, shaking his head. “Bad cop. Good criminal.”

           “No such thing,” Peter corrected right away.

           Neal pretended not to hear him. “Who’s the good criminal?” He asked, leaning in. “Rydell’s probably burned after last time.”

           “Nick’s got a history with math and money,” you suggested.

           “Nicholas Halden?” Madeline asked, trying to keep up. You kept Neal’s aliases pretty close to the vest for his own safety, but a little bit of word occasionally got around. Offhandedly, you questioned why Ruiz’s agents had been so quiet during the meeting. Maybe they were more afraid of their boss.

           Neal gave a full smile. It wasn’t the real thing – you knew the difference – but it was still an attractive smile, all confident and charismatic. “I think Nick has the time free to fit this into his calendar.”

~~~ Bite ~~~

           You definitely had to give the bureau credit – they could move fast when they wanted to. Nicholas Halden was a ghost most of the time, but the FBI, combined with some work in the shadows on occasion from Neal and Mozzie, kept the man alive through talk and false documents.

           “You’re a lucky man, Nick,” you called as you waved the file over your head, walking over to Neal’s desk and joining him as he readied for his first meeting with Brady. “Costa Rica and the Dominican Republic in the same three months.”

           “What can I say, I have a taste for the Caribbean,” Neal responded with a playful grin. He reached up and took the file from you, then started flipping through it to see what had been added since the last time he took the identity out for a spin.

           You sat down on the edge of his desk and picked up the papers he had been studying. He was intently looking at the most recent public reports on Brady’s company’s finances. A little bit of job research went a long way, no matter who you were applying to. While putting the papers back down on the desk, you caught Neal looking up at you instead of reading Nick’s file and you flashed him a little smile, rolling your shoulders back and sitting straight.

           “Happy with the edits?” You asked, not that you could change them if he wasn’t.

           Neal kept his eyes on you while he answered, “I’m just thinking how lonely it is Nick doesn’t have a partner.” Your heart felt like it skipped a beat and Neal added on, “Nick and Y/N sound good, don’t they?”

           You knew there was a blush on your face but you refused to let an expression of interest go by unrequited, even if he could clearly see the redness in your cheeks. “I can think of a pair that sound just a little better,” you said to him, not looking away from his eyes until you were done talking. Neal and Y/N…

           “I like those,” he said evenly, his face open and sweet. “Y/N-“

           “Neal!” Peter snapped his fingers and both of you jumped a little. You leaned back and wondered exactly when you had started leaning forward. Your boss was standing on the mezzanine, looking exasperated. “What, is your phone dead? Hurry up!” He turned and went back into his office, but his coat was on and so was his holster, so you knew he would be coming out in seconds.

           You cursed his timing, but there wasn’t anything you could do about it. When you and Neal turned back to each other, the moment was gone, and although the mood was still there, it wasn’t the time or place to try to bring the magic back.

           Neal saw the frustration on your face and touched your knee gently. “Later,” he said, standing up. He took out his wallet and started swapping out his ID cards for those of Nick Halden that had been included in the folder.

           “I’m going to hold you to that,” you told him wistfully.

~~~ Bite ~~~

           Diana drew van duty with Peter and Madeline, leaving you in the office with Jones while the rest of your team was in the field. No matter how often it happened, you never got used to the itchy feeling in your legs of sitting around when your teammates were being shot at, for all you knew. (Though you could be reasonably sure they weren’t.)

           It took about half an hour longer than you had expected it to, but it was impossible to tell until you got the call whether that was a good or a bad thing. Sometimes things took longer when there was a better opportunity than expected for building rapport, or even going straight to the throat, so you didn’t get too flustered. Peter eventually called, said that the op had gone well and Neal did good, and that since it was already later in the evening than planned, he, Neal, and Diana were going to head back to their respective houses and work from home. They would relate the details of the afternoon the next day. He invited you and Jones to do the same.

           Jones, who had a girlfriend in his life, took the advantage of an early leave, but you stayed in the office and caught yourself looking at Neal’s empty desk more than a couple of times. No matter how much you had observed it already, it still surprised you just how much you missed Neal when he was gone. The thief felt like a more necessary part of the office than the chairs or the lights or the cheap and gross office coffee, which really sucked because one day he wasn’t going to be here. Whatever he chose to do after the anklet came off, he wasn’t eligible to be an FBI agent – his days in the office were numbered, no matter how well his work-release went. And it was going to be really hard adjusting to work without him.

           “Good thing that’s still a long time away,” you told yourself, leaning back into your chair and letting out a long sigh. Still, it wasn’t the best thing in the world that your thoughts kept drifting back to him when you should have been working. You blamed it on the warmth in your knee, where it felt like his hand was still touching you. His gaze caressing your face. Voice soft and words just for you.

           Yeah. You had it bad.

~~~ Bite ~~~

           Peter briefed you all in the conference room the next morning, alongside Ruiz, Madeline, and the other two agents Ruiz had picked for the collaboration, whose names you learned were Matt and Damien. Nick’s interview with Brady went exceptionally well. From what Neal could tell, he was the most qualified applicant and Brady had been particularly interested when he’d been deflecting questions about the hedge fund he had briefly worked for. (Said hedge fund had been part of an older case in which Neal pretended to be a corporate spy and almost got killed for it.)

           Now that Neal was in your mark’s good graces, you had to take the biggest gamble of all and decide how long was long enough to wait before sending Peter in to make Brady jumpy. It was a balancing act of factors. On one hand, a greater time gap made Brady’s introductions to Neal and Peter appear less connected and gave him more time to reach out to Neal to build a stronger rapport, increasing the odds of him going to Neal when Peter started waving the hammer over his head. On the other, if you waited too long, then the risks increased that Brady would look too deeply into Neal’s cover. There were a lot of ways that it could fall apart – he could find out that the manager of that hedge fund was now in a federal prison; he could do a reverse image search of Nick’s face and come up with Neal’s pictures from when the FBI had him on their website; he could try to talk to shadowy contacts and realize that very few people had actually seen Nick in person over the last six or so years.

           “I haven’t heard anything from him,” Neal announced, but his posture was relaxed. It had been less than a day. “Give him time to come to me. I say if he doesn’t do it on his own by Monday, then we go in.”

           “How quickly does he make his decisions?” Peter asked, looking to Ruiz instead of Neal, even though only one of them had a friendly relationship with the man in question.

           Ruiz curled his lip. “Can’t say. It’s hard to find any intel on this guy. He covers his tracks.”

           Before Peter could say anything, you were already guessing his priorities. “On it, boss,” you promised, opening up your laptop. Digging up information on slimy businessmen was one of your favorite ways to spend your work day, just on the off chance that something particularly scandalous came up that you could use against them.

           “Get Diana to help you,” he said, pointing at Diana as the other female agent let out a soft sigh of complaint before taking her own computer out of its bag. “Di-“

           “I get it,” she cut him off. “I already got my excitement. Out of the van with me.” She smirked slightly as she said it.

           “And into the van with me,” Jones dryly said. It was no secret that the only person who hated the van more than Jones was Neal. “Yippee.”

           Peter frowned at both Diana and Jones in turn before continuing with the conference. When you all came out of it twenty minutes later, there wasn’t much new on your docket. Unfortunately, you couldn’t stop everything and only pursue one person when there were so many other cases waiting to be investigated. It wasn’t to the point that this one was prioritized highly enough that Peter and Ruiz could justify having almost ten agents working on nothing else.

           What you did have was the decision that, if Brady hadn’t reached out to Neal by Monday, then Peter would go in on Tuesday; if he had, then you would re-evaluate the following workday. In the meantime, Neal was to keep his head down and minimize his chances of being seen in public as much as possible while you and Diana were to continue trying to find any more background information on Seamus Brady.

           While you worked on both the Brady case and your other cases, you tried to catch spare time to fulfill the promise of talking later with Neal, but the opportunity was just out of reach. You were busy when he wasn’t and vice versa, and because of how deep he was in the undercover portion of the operation, he was spending his lunches with either Peter or Ruiz, being debriefed and making statements. By the time the end of the day was near, everyone on Peter’s team was just tired, and between your irritable temperament when you were tired and Neal’s tendency to be more guarded when he was stressed, you had both seemed to agree that it was better not to touch the subject yet. The weekend was especially needed for recuperating after the work days, and since Neal was being holed up safely away from any risk of sighting or scrutiny, you knew you shouldn’t be heading over to his penthouse during the case, anyway. It was disappointing, but the bottom line was that your “later” didn’t come that week.

           Although you had Neal weighing on your mind, your weekend was pretty relaxing. You grabbed a couple of naps, started reading a new book, and walked your neighbor’s dog for a little bit of exercise and homemade lasagna. By Monday morning, you were ready to go back to work and deal with whatever had happened since Friday.

           It turned out that there were no new developments. Honestly, it wasn’t shocking. Working for the FBI was rarely as glamorous as people tended to think. Neal reported no contact from Brady, and so Ruiz and Peter began working up a tweaked profile of Peter’s work history in order to suit the purpose of his role in the con (no, not con, operation. Peter was very picky about that). That was going to occur Tuesday, right before lunch, and it would be a quick in-and-out of attempted police intimidation.

           Then they turned the attention back to Brady, who he was and what he had done, and you and Diana had a lot of small things to report but no major discoveries. It was like Brady had suddenly come into being nine years ago, which made you suspect that it was probably a stolen identity, but you had exhausted all possible avenues for finding out who he had been before then. According to Neal, he spoke like an American, but you couldn’t find a social security number and now you weren’t totally sure that he wasn’t undocumented, which only made the situation messier.

           That conference lasted until eleven, and just as it ended, you met Neal’s eyes as you both stood up. He gave you a small smile, almost like he was inviting your attention, and you made an equally small gesture with your hand towards the door, asking him if he wanted to leave with you, maybe get lunch together. He had just started to nod when Peter brought his hand down on his shoulder, not noticing that he was interrupting.

           “You, me, my office,” he said. You looked down – you couldn’t fight the boss over Neal’s time when you were both on the clock.

           “You know,” Neal said, sounding a little stiff. It was gratifying to know that he didn’t like it much, either. It had been almost a week since the incident that wasn’t really any sort of incident at all, but possibly could have become one. “Sometimes humans eat lunch at this time of day.”

           “The Domino’s menu is downloaded to my computer,” Peter replied, missing the point and shepherding Neal out of the conference room.

           The artist caught your eye as he went past and grimaced. You nodded sympathetically, understanding.

           And your time still didn’t come at all on Monday, with Peter insisting on triple-checking everything he and Neal had related to each other about Brady, what he might be doing, and how best to get under his skin. You knew the case was important, but damn. At five in the evening, Peter clocked out (not really – you didn’t work on time cards). You knew that El made Peter come home on time with Neal and had them both sit down and eat a full meal every Monday, so you didn’t even bother hoping that Peter was leaving alone. You left not long after.

           Tuesday morning wasn’t your friend. Traffic made your commute to work particularly slow and you got there a few minutes later than you would have liked. Another case task force conference drilled everything into your head until you could’ve recited it in your sleep, and then Ruiz, Matt, Peter, and Neal all left for the next stage of the scheme. You really weren’t sure why Neal needed to go, but at this point, it was probably your irritation talking, not the thorough agent you worked hard to be. When they all returned, both bosses gathered their respective underlings into the same conference room for another update which lasted through the lunch break, and since your entire morning had been spent on one case, you were then told to spend your afternoon and early evening working on the rest of your caseloads to compensate.

           You wanted to strangle Peter. You didn’t meddle in his marriage. In fact, you supported his marriage and sometimes offered advice on presents or gestures for Elizabeth, and this was how he repaid you? By making it his life’s mission to ensure that you never, ever got any private time with Neal ever again, right after it finally seemed like the playful workplace flirting was going to result in something more meaningful?

           With enough hurrying, you managed to power through a good half-day’s effort with about ten minutes left before five. You took another look at the clock on your computer, relieved you made it. Ten minutes was enough for a conversation. Ten minutes was –

           You looked up to see if Neal was done, and he wasn’t even at his desk. After looking around for him with exasperation, you spotted him up in Peter’s office. You couldn’t see the thief’s face, but you could see Peter’s, and the seriousness of his expression made you want to throw your hands up in the air. You knew that look. It was the serious breakthrough look.

           Brady had been intimidated into contacting Neal.

~~~~~~

~~~~~~

A/N: Remember, there is at least one more part to this story and possibly two, so keep your eyes peeled!

If you like my writing and would be interested in skipping the request queue, please consider checking out the details of my Ko-Fi commissions here or go straight to my Ko-Fi page here. Imagines are $1, oneshots start at $4, and a story of this length would be just about $8.

[myfandomrambles]

C-PTSD & BPD Doctor

(Doctor Character Study part 3D)

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).If you read my ADHD & Autistic doctor posts you will notice some symptom overlap mostly with impulsivity. I chose to put C-PTSD and BPD as one post because symptom overlap is strong, and the disorders are highly comorbid.

12th Doctor:

The Twelfth Doctor is often viewed as a darker, colder Doctor. He is a more abrasive character than many of The Doctor’s faces. He didn’t lie about who and what he was like many of the new Doctors do. He is really grappling with the Time War’s effects on himself, having lived in a war on Trenzalore, many of the things he has done or chosen to do that facilitated harm and very prominently all of the loved ones he’s lost before, during and after the wars.

The idea of being a soldier or general vs being The Doctor hangs heavy on him. He not only played a general and war hero during the time war “The Doctor of war” but was also the default commander of the Trenzalore war, the target of much of the violence and the de facto leader of the town during the siege. His deep fear of who he really is, and distaste for anything related to soldiers does stem from the Time War but regenerating off the war on Trenzalore made him have to grapple even further because he spent so much time having to experience it all over again.

In this Doctor's run we get some references back to his earliest incarnation and life on Gallifrey in series 9 a chunk of this is mostly plot-related in the concept of the Time Dial and Hybrid but even that added to other information gives insight to his early life which connects with all of the New Who Doctors, and greatly with the Twelfth Doctor in interesting ways.

"Man: Why does he have to sleep out here?

Woman: He doesn't want the others to hear him crying.

Man: Why does he have to cry all the time?

Woman: You know why.

Man: There'll be no crying in the army.

Woman: Hush.

Man: Don't pretend you're not awake. We're not idiots.

Woman: Come and sleep in the house. You don't have to be alone. If you can hear me, you're very welcome in the house, with the other boys. I'll leave the door on the latch. Come in any time.

Man: He can't just run away crying all the time if he wants to join the army.

Woman: He doesn't want to join the army. I keep telling you.

Man: Well, he's not going to the Academy, is he, that boy? He'll never make a Time Lord."

This scene is in TV: Listen is connected well with much of what we knew before about The Doctor's lonely childhood, his experience of always been regarded as a renegade, was disliked in school, not liking the rigid society, having anxiety even as a kid and being generally isolated [save The Master]. In this story, it also ties into the way that even into this regeneration The Doctor deals with fears and anxiety he tries to hide and intellectualize. This also sets up a baseline of possible attachment struggles that have worsened with complex trauma.

In TV: Witch's familiar Missy describes The Doctor as a young Time Lord, It’s told in a bit of humour manner but connects in with the more serious discussion on TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent.

“Doctor: A long time ago, there was a student at the Academy. He got in here, disappeared for four days. Showed up in a completely different part of the city. Said the Sliders talked to him, they showed him the secret passage out. And we just need the code.

Clara: What and the kid told you the secret?

Doctor: Ah, no, he didn't tell anyone anything. He went completely mad. Never right in the head again, so they say.

Clara: Okay, that's encouraging.

Doctor: The last I heard, he stole the moon and the President's wife.

Clara: Was she, er, Was she nice, the President's wife?

Doctor: Ah, well, that was a lie put about by the Shabogans. It was the President's daughter. I didn't steal the moon, I lost it.

Clara: I'd know you anywhere.

Doctor: I was a completely different person in those days. Eccentric, a bit mad, rude to people.”

This conversation again adds a bit to The Doctor stories adding to things like the Tenth Doctor’s discussion of the Untempered Schism shaping The Doctor even from a young age. This also connects with The Doctor's self-perception, the above attachment issues and talks about how his history on Gallifrey has influenced his identity issues.  

The Doctor Struggles with boundaries, something that we know is connected with his alien tendencies [and if you read my Autistic/Adhd sections it ties with that] but I think his emotional and identity enmeshment with Clara and to some degree Missy has a tie into his history of loss and trauma ( TV: Under The Lake & TV: The Witch’s Familiar). We see that The Doctor tends to either care for people an intense amount or have difficulty forming a connection, this also applies to his trust ( TV: Time Heist, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Zygon Invasion TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, & TV: The Pilot, TV: The Lie of The Land)

The Doctor has poor boundaries with Clara, in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death The Doctor enters Clara’s bathroom while in the tub in the TARDIS, he has little care for how this would cross boundaries. The Doctor also very often relies on her for how he sees and values himself putting his Duty of Care over anything else. In TV: Dark Water we see another example,

“Clara: You're going to help me?

Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?

Clara: Because of what I just did. I just

Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I've ever stood for. You let me down!

Clara: Then why are you helping me?

Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?”

Clara crossed an extreme line in this episode having, in her mind, drugged The Doctor and destroyed his ability to get into his home and possible stranding them in a deadly position. As The Doctor point’s out he betrayed him deeply and let him down. The most telling part here isn’t to me that he helps her out, it’s that he doesn’t set this up as a time of “forgiving” her for having done something that could have hurt them both, but that it doesn’t make a difference. Betraying him could never make a difference, a level of extreme trust and lack of autonomy from her.

Being without her makes him reckless (TV: The Witch’s Familiar) and the ability to possibly protect her will make him cross lines, ones of keeping himself safe (TV: Last Christmas) and his own personal moral standards (TV: Face The Raven). In TV: Heaven Sent he describes life as not being worth living without her while trying to figure out if he can get out of the situation he questions if its work it saying,

“Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

The Doctor and Clara’s identities become enmeshed in The Doctor’s perception in TV: Heaven Sent he says,

“Doctor: Assume you're going to survive. Always assume that. Imagine you've already survived. There's a storm room in your mind. Lock the door and think. This is my storm room. I always imagine that I'm back in my Tardis, showing off, telling you how I escaped, making you laugh.”

This shows how she is part of his own internal thought process and his coping skills. And later in TV: Hell Bent along with his willingness to cross all his personal boundaries and the laws of time it’s discussed how they might, even if just in personal and outside perception, become a singular entity in the Hybrid.

“Doctor: Does it matter?

Ashildr: No. Because I have a better theory.

Doctor: Really?

Ashildr: What if the Hybrid wasn't one person, but two?

Doctor: Two?

Ashildr: A dangerous combination of a passionate and powerful Time Lord and a young woman so very similar to him.”

Part of this enmeshed identities is connected to the concept of Favourite person which Clara Oswald fills the role of in seasons 8 & 9. He puts so much of himself into her in his self-perception and works hard to keep her safe. ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Time Heist).

This is shown in terms of ‘duty of care’, this also relates to his hero/god complex, feelings that he needs to control everything, deep fears and anxiety and guilt over people he can’t save. ( TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Face the Raven, TV: The Girl Who Died). He also shows a lot of jealousy towards her showing attention to others. (TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: Listen, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Caretaker, Comic: The Four Doctors)

In TV: The Caretaker Danny Pink comments on The Doctors need to keep her safe.

“Danny: It's all right, it doesn't matter. I don't need him to like me. It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me, I just need to do exactly one thing for you. Doctor, am I right?

Doctor: Yes.

Clara: What? What one thing?

Danny: I need to be good enough for you. That's why he's angry. Just in case I'm not.”

This protectiveness reaches its most extreme in Twelve shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent. He is also willing to hurt himself in order for her to not be hurt. This can be seen in TV: Dark Water & TV: The Witch's Familiar and allowing himself to be hurt for thousands of years in the Time Dial. (TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent)

This enmeshment isn't one-sided. Multiple Times Clara notes how important The Doctor is to her, stating he is essential to her in TV: Before the Flood, calling him the only person she really trusts (TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven) and desperately wanting to be like him. (TV: Flatline, TV: The Girl Who Died & TV: Face The Raven)

In TV: Listen Clara ends up on Gallifrey and tried to calm the young Doctor, she is then able to extrapolate this to her Doctor whom she knows and understands his fear of vulnerability but has also seen him when he is lost and hurt, knowing he is anxious. When she comes back she says;

“Clara: What if there was nothing? What if there never was anything? Nothing under the bed, nothing at the door. What if the big bad Time Lord doesn't want to admit he's just afraid of the dark.

Doctor: Where are we? Have we moved? Where have we landed?

Clara: Don't look where we are. Take off, and promise me you will never look where we've been.

Doctor: Why?

Clara: Just take off. Don't ask questions.

Doctor: I don't take orders, Clara.

Clara: Do as you're told.”

The way she explains can seem harsh, but keeping him from looking is important as she knows it would consume him trying to work out how they were on a past time lock Galifrey.

Missy becomes someone Twelve links personal image in the show as well. The Doctor and The Master has a long history of hurting each other and then forgiving it when maybe it doesn't make sense to. The Doctor will also often go over other people's heads in order to offer the hand to the master after they do harm to other people. It’s also been pointed out by people like the Rani that the master is overly obsessed with The Doctor. But The Doctor also has a history of connecting their personal identity to the master too. Something we can see throughout Twelve's run.

In TV: World Enough and Time Bil and The Doctor discuss why he wants Bill to help him with Missy’s test run helping others.

“Doctor: She's my friend. She's my oldest friend in the universe.

Bill: Well, you've got lots of friends. Better ones. What's so special about her?

Doctor: She's different.

Bill: Different how?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Yes, you do.

Doctor: She's the only person that I've ever met who's even remotely like me.

Bill: So more than anything you want her to be good?

...

Doctor: I know I can help her.”

In this quote, we see that The Doctor needs The Master to be good because of how much he sees of himself in her. There has to be redemption in the heart of The Master because he believes that it is a reflection of his own possibility of goodness, but also part of The Doctor needing to be able to help the people he cares for.

In TV: The Doctor Falls we see more of this trying to have Missy change and to have his friend fill the hole he has.

"Doctor: No! No! When I say no, you turn back around! Hey! I'm going to be dead in a few hours, so before I go, let's have this out, you and me, once and for all. Winning? Is that what you think it's about? I'm not trying to win. ... It's not because it's fun and God knows it's not because it's easy. It's not even because it works, because it hardly ever does. I do what I do because it's right! Because it's decent! And above all, it's kind. It's just that. ... And I will stand here doing it till it kills me. You're going to die too, someday. How will that be? Have you thought about it? What would you die for? Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand, is where I fall. Stand with me."

....

Doctor: Missy. Missy. You've changed. I know you have. And I know what you're capable of. Stand with me. It's all I've ever wanted.

Missy: Me too. But no. Sorry. Just, no. But thanks for trying."

The Doctor easily forgives the masters’ betrayal when she tried to get him to shoot Clara. (TV: The Witch's Familiar) The next time they meet Twelve saves Missy’s life and vows to watch over and try to help her. (TV: Extremis)

The Doctor and Nardole’s relationship is interesting as we see that he works with The Doctor after having been close with his wife. Nardole has seen a lot of The Doctor's weak points and we can see that there is some trust there. Nardole while willing to push back, he is essentially The Doctor’s assistant. While having a license to “kick his ass” (TV: Extremis) for the most part he does as he is told, and when The Doctor does things he doesn’t have any real power over his actions. The Doctor's need for control is evident here but he showed himself as dependable something The Doctor needs as he tends to lose his control when alone.

Bill views The Doctor as her teacher and trusts him very quickly. (TV: Pilot, TV: Smile, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, & TV: World Enough and Time) . We see another side to their relationship in TV: Thin Ice. There we see her able to read the trauma and loss in his face but can also tell time has allowed him to blot out the emotions and the utilitarian way he tries and deal with it.

“Bill: Yeah? Tell me this. You've seen people die before, yeah?

Doctor: Of course.

Bill: You still care?

Doctor: Of course I care.

Bill: How many?

Doctor: How many what?

Bill: If you care so much, tell me how many people you've seen die?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Okay. How many before you lost count?

Doctor: I care, Bill, but I move on.

Bill: Yeah? How quickly?

Doctor: It's not me you're angry with.

Bill: Have you ever killed anyone? There's a look in your eyes sometimes that makes me wonder. Have you?

Doctor: There are situations when the options available are limited.

Bill: Not what I asked.

Doctor: Sometimes the choices are very

Bill: That's not what I asked!

Doctor: Yes.

Bill: How many?

Bill: Don't tell me. You've moved on.

Doctor: You know what happens if I don't move on? More people die.”

I think this also points to the way The Doctor has the ability and history of taking life and death into his hands and is aware of this in his answers here. The hole left by taking lives and watching them be lost is visible even to those who care for him.

The other most important relationship is The Doctor’s connection to Ashildr. Their connection is born from an episode of flashbacks, anxiety, control issues and overblown sense of responsibility in his god complex. She is made into what she is because of The Doctor trying to be The Doctor, the grand concept, the man who saves people. Her existence is built from hubris and trauma. As well as the no or complete trust he tends to have with other people, becoming deeply connected to people very quickly.

“Doctor: People like us, we go on too long. We forget what matters. The last thing we need is each other...I looked into your eyes and I saw my worst fears. Weariness. Emptiness.

Ashildr: That's why you can't travel with me. Our perspectives are too vast. Too far away.

...

Doctor:...Who told you about me? The man who comes for the battle and runs away from the fallout.

Ashildr: Take your pick. You've had an impact on this world. You've made waves.

Doctor: Sometimes tidal waves.

Ashildr: I'm flattered.

....

Ashildr: Someone has to look out for the people you abandon. Who better than me? I'll be the patron saint of The Doctor's leftovers. While you're busy protecting this world, I'll get busy protecting it from you.”

(TV: The Woman Who Lived)

He feels responsible for her, but he also needs her to be okay to have compassion for other people. Because he has his own struggle with weary and emptiness letting it totally consume him is something he dreads. Ashildr also gained the knowledge of the way The Doctor leaves a trail in the world, taking the title “patron saint of The Doctor’s leftovers” she is playing on his guilt, even if it is very honest.

Hyperarousal and Hyperarousal is seen a lot with the Twelfth Doctor (TV: Deep Breath, TV: Into the Dalek, TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: In The Forest Of The Night, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Selfie, Comic: Ghost Stories, Prose, The Blood Cell, Prose Big Bang Generation, Comic: Playing House, TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen). This overlaps with compulsive thoughts and anxiety in TV: Listen where the whole story cover being so on edge he makes up a reason for his paranoid thoughts and fears.

This also manifests as The Doctor being very restless in general (Prose: Big Bang Generation, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Time Heist, TV: Listen, Comic: The Twist & Comic: Unearthly Things). And visible anxiety through his body language and way of speaking (TV: Dark Water, TVL Heaven Sent Comic: Hyperion Empire, Comic: The Boy With the Displaced Smile, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: Extremis, The Magician's Apprentice, & Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen)

In TV: The Girl Who Died, he describes how after loss and during stress he experiences times where he can’t breathe a description congruent with anxiety.

“Doctor: One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe”

He experienced episodes of high anger ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Tim Heist, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Before The Flood, Zygon Inversion. TV: Face The Raven, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, TV: Thin Ice, Comic: The Twist, TV: The Doctor Falls, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). Sometimes becoming outward displays of violence line when he punches a Man in TV: Thin Ice and shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent.

We see another episode of extreme anger in TV: Death In Heaven, he internalizes his anger until it becomes too much and we see him break down destroying his console. We see other internalized anger in (TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, & TV: Last Christmas)

He has a marked experience of irritability and agitation struggling to handle interpersonal situations and (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, & Prose: Blood Cell). This decreases over time in the later season showing less of an agitated and often perceived as rude, it takes a form of internalization quite a bit covered by fatigue.

Twelve has a strong need to control the situation around him and himself (TV: Robots of Sherwood TV: Listen, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Into The Forest of The Night, TV: Last Christmas TV: Prequel To The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, TV: The Zygon Invasion/Zygon INversion, TV: Sleep No More TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: Oxygen, TV: Extremis/Pyramid at the end of the world/Lie of the Land, TV: The Empress of Mars, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls & TV: Twice Upon a Time, Comic: The Twist, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, & TV: Invasion of The Midmorphs)

The Doctor’s need to have control over the situation can become a level of manipulative that can upset the people he is with. Taking the form of knowing things others don’t and not letting them in, or using other people’s lives in what from the outside seems like a game. (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Before The Flood, and Comic: The Twist)

In TV: Flatline they discuss methods of control

“Doctor: Excellent lying, Doctor Oswald.

Clara: Yeah? Well, thought it was pretty weak myself.

Doctor: I meant to me. You told me that Danny was okay with you being back on board the Tardis.

Clara: Well, he is.

Doctor: Yeah, because he doesn't know anything about it.

Clara: Doctor

Doctor: Congratulations. Lying is a vital survival skill.

Clara: Well, there you go.

Doctor: And a terrible habit.”

This is an interesting exchange as I think it connects to control, a sense of disconnection from others as well as adding a throughline to his previous regeneration. He refers to it as a survival skill Clara was using the same skills The Doctor did in order to control the situation with those episodes side characters. But it’s also pointed to as a bad habit, something The Doctor wishes they didn’t have to do. We know that the lying was a tool of control and isolation to the Eleventh Doctor. River and The Doctor’s rule one was consistent “The Doctor lies.” I think it can also be connected to implicit memories of acting on behaviours he has needed to do for a long time.

Control is invoked in a different manner in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death he invokes the president of the world status. We see this again in Comic: The Hyperion Empire he takes charge of the situation over a politician even using the president of the world title to his advantage, Kate comments on this as funny doing to his dislike of this title in previous episodes.

In Prose: The Blood Cell there is an interesting example of this in his maintaining control of the situation in a prison by continuously doing things that assert his own control over the situation. It’s effective as he has as much information on the situation as the people who run the prison who are having their own kind of power struggle. He jokes about having a day off as well, commenting on his being the one in power in most places, which is oddly a part of his trying, and eventually succeeding in controlling a situation that is meant to leave him powerless.

The control issues are commented on by The Doctor in TV: Under The Lake

“Doctor: So, who's in charge now? I need to know who to ignore.”

These issues are inflamed during the events of TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent when his control was entirely stripped by the Time Lords. During these experiences he does what he can to hold control and overcompensating, using his previous interactions and war experience to essentially hold Galifrey even when he has no intention of staying. This is understandable due to the torture of the Time Dial and it continues to affect him moving forward.

He can show anxiety when he loses control of the situation (TV: Flatline, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Heaven Sent, TV: Pyramid at The End Of The World, TV: Time Heist, TV: Oxygen, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen, & Comic: Ghost Stories) An example that is played as laughs but shows this is his dislike of River yanking him around (TV: The Husbands of River Song)

"Doctor: Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.”

Similar interactions happen between Bernice Summerfield and Twelve during Prose: The Big Bang Generation, as he doesn’t hold the cards for much of the Story.

The Doctor can use displays and show off in part of his need for control and as a way of trying to impress his friends, It works against his feeling of loneliness and giving that need for attention. It can take the form of just generally extreme displays of masking emotions like in TV: The Magician's Apprentice and TV: The Lie of The Land or explaining how he did something (TV: In The Forest of The Night TV: Kill The Moon,, TV: Time Heist, Comic: The Twist, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TVL: Thin Ice, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World & TV: World Enough and Time)

The Doctor has a deep fear of showing he’s own vulnerability, this is seen very clearly in TV: Extremis & TV: Pyramid at The End of The World. After TV: Oxygen The Doctor is left blind and refuses to tell Bill that this lasted. He uses the glasses to try and see the outlines of things and grudgingly relies on Nardole for help. It’s impossible to do it totally on his own, and Nardole had seen vulnerability before so he is the one let somewhat in. The fear of being seen as something that connects to his trauma and needs to show people a heroic side of himself and close off all of the pain and trauma inside of him.

In TV: Extremis Nardole references that he fears others knowing about vulnerabilities and accepting them himself,

“Nardole: Okay, so you're blind and you don't want your enemies to know. I get it. But why does it have to be a secret from Bill?

Doctor: Because I don't like being worried about. Around me, people should be worried about themselves.

Nardole: Yeah, shall I tell you the real reason?

Doctor: No.

Nardole: Because the moment you tell Bill, it becomes real. And then you might actually have to deal with it.

Doctor: Good point, well made. Definitely not telling her now.

Nardole: You're an idiot.

Doctor: Everyone knows that.”

The Doctor has a tendency to isolate himself as a function of anxiety and depression. Part of this is his fear of vulnerability done with words and lies of omission and sometimes straight-up separating himself physically (TV: Dark Water/Last Christmas, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Twice Upon A Time, TV: Kill The Moon, Prose: Big Bang Generation, & TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World) when overwhelmed he literally bolts and leaves the stressful place, this is seen again in TV: The Girl Who Died where when he realises that Ashildr died he hides his emotions and hides from others.

Emotional masking can be part of this, in TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio he says he’s “always okay” instead of being honest and moving on from it.

Deals with obsessive thoughts (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile & TV: Twice Upon A Time, & TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood). We see this heavily in TV: Listen, he thought himself into creating an entire creature thought rumination. The concept here is also fear itself and a loss of control through a creature he could never see. We this also is tied into other issues like nightmares, insomnia and references back to his childhood which through the extended universe materials and references in the show was not a happy one with being ostracised from his own family/chapter from peers and early experiences of violence. Another specific version of this is his preoccupation with his trauma, seen in TV: Into the Dalek in his conversation with the Dalek.

“Rusty: Daleks have destroyed a million stars.

Doctor: Oh, millions and millions. Trust me, I keep count.”

Another manifestation is seen in his habit of talking to himself (TV: Listen, TV: Mummy on the Orient Express, Prose: The Big Bang Generation)

A Connected symptom to compulsive thinking is his flashbacks and intrusive thoughts related to his trauma. (TV: Listen, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Into The Forest of The night, & TV: Death in Heaven) An example is his reliving visually the experiences with Donna in TV: Fires of Pompeii when he is faced with the failure to keep Ashildr safe. This ends with him in a state of panic(TV: The Girl Who Died).

He describes seeing and hearing events from the Time War in TV: Zygon Inversion

“Doctor: I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know. I did worse things than you could ever imagine. And when I close my eyes I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count! And do you know what you do with all that pain?”

This is a pretty accurate description of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. Another moment that references intrusive thoughts and flashbacks can be seen in TV: Extremis when The Doctor talks to Missy.

“Doctor: Memories are so much worse in the dark.”

Nightmares and Insomnia ( TV: Deep Breath, TV: Listen, TV: Zygon Inversion, TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Sleep No More, TV: Knock Knock, TV: Extremis)

The Doctor can show obsessive tendencies with the people who have traumatized him, (TV: Hell Bent, Comic: The Great Shopping Bill, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lives, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Into The Dalek)

There are very explicit incidents when we see Twelve have triggers (TV: Kill The Moon, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Supremacy of The Cybermen) In Comic: The Great Shopping Bill The Doctor sees robots just shaped like Daleks and has a reaction of anger and getting into a fighting mindset. After what happened with Davros, The Doctor refuses to use his Sonic for a period of time instead of using his Sonic Shades. (TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, continues through series 9) [losing the Sonic isn’t a good enough reason we know the TARDIS can make a new one quite fast.]

This overlaps with his intrusive thoughts and flashbacks obviously as they can be triggered. An example is when war is mentioned in Comic: Hyperion, we see The Doctor start listening wars he’s been a part of including Trenzalore.

The Doctor shows issues with dissociation, which we see The Doctor experience in other situations. (TV: Death in Heaven, TV: Extremis, TV: Empress of Mars, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Before the Flood) It’s used very clearly as a protective measure in TV: Heaven Sent allowing him to go into his head to manage stress completely disconnecting from himself and having a distortion of his environment. We see him use dissociation this to ignore pain. (TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TV: Twice Upon a Time). He even loses time (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Pilot)

The Doctor often experiences emotional shutdowns (TV: Time Heist, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctor) The interesting thing in TV: Thin Ice is we see this play out in how it’s often used, to allow himself to deal and make decisions. We know he can easily lose his temper but when the child dies and bill asks him about it he says

“Doctor: I have never had the luxury of outrage”

While we know this isn’t true, and we later see him sock a racist in the jaw, there is actually a difference. The Doctor has a sense of morality that is very strong, but it’s most important to get it done, for Twelve more than anyone else. I think we can tell that here he has to separate himself from what he feels to act. The Doctor can set himself in the mindset of a fight to finish what needs to be done, something that Bill who isn’t used to splitting from himself isn’t able to do. The Doctor, however, is in tune with grief and sentimentality, so it’s not a lack of ability.

Twelve disrupted belief system can be seen in The Doctor, something that has been an issue since at least the Eighth Doctor and commented on with both Ten and Eleven (Comic: The Boy With The Displace Smile, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Eaters of Light & TV: Heaven Sent). In Comic: The Wolves of Winter The Doctor’s belief becomes important in order to protect against the Haemovore he pulls on the memory of how much he cared for his companions and this works to push over the edge of emotions.

In TV: Into The Dalek, we see that the belief he carries generally like his view of himself is set into his trauma,

“Clara: It's the look you get when I'm about to slap you.

Doctor: Ow. Clara.

Clara: Are we going to die in here? I mean, there's a little bit of you that's pleased. The Daleks are evil after all. Everything makes sense. The Doctor is right.”

In TV: Hell Bent Ohila notes that the moral system and solid foundations will fall apart when his emotions become too much.

“Ohila: You have gone too far. You have broken every code you ever lived by.

Doctor: After all this time, after everything I've done, don't you think the universe owes me this?

Ohila: Owes you what? All you're doing is giving her hope.

Doctor: Since when is hope a bad thing?

Ohila: Hope is a terrible thing on the scaffold.”

Twelve struggles with having a cohesive sense of self and identity this is closely intertwined with the dissociation. The main way this shows is the way he describes The Doctor as a separate construct not truly tied to him. (TV: Flatline, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Thin Ice, TV: World Enough and Time, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). In TV: The Witch’s Familiar this is commented on in a conversation between Davros and The Doctor, how the concept is something the person can never live up to, a severe split of self.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you're sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard, I'm not some old Time Lord who ran away. I'm The Doctor.”

We see this in the reverse in TV: Face The Raven where he rejects the label when his actions are made out of anger, resentment and pain. A split idea of who he is and who he ought to be

“Ashildr: You can't.

Doctor: I can do whatever the hell I like. You've read the stories. You know who I am. And in all of that time, did you ever hear anything about anyone who stopped me?

Ashildr: I know The Doctor. The Doctor would never

Doctor: The Doctor is no longer here! You are stuck with me. And I will end you, and everything you love.”

Clara, as she did with Eleven in TV: The Day of The Doctor, tries to get him to own the person she believes him to be.

“Clara: ...Don't let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next, wherever she is sending you, I know what you're capable of. You don't be a Warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.

Doctor: What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?

Clara: Heal yourself. You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So, I'm not asking you for a promise, I'm giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here or anywhere, will suffer.”

This ties in with his anger, and his self-hatred, and often warranted guilt. This exchange has no convincing power to The Doctor,

“Doctor: What Clara said about not taking revenge. Do you know why she said that?

Ashildr: She was saving you.

Doctor: I was lost a long time ago. She was saving you. I'll do my best, but I strongly advise you to keep out of my way. You'll find that it's a very small universe when I'm angry with you.”

He takes her order in to not hurt Ashildr and Trap Street, but he doesn’t actually believe as Clara does that he can be “turned into a monster” or that this isn't who is, that anger he's capable of and what he has done are who is, an old Time Lord, a lost person, as much if not more so then The Doctor.

The Doctor tries to reconcile his identity issues in TV: Death in Heaven.

“Doctor: I really didn't know. I wasn't sure. You lose sight sometimes. Thank you! I am not a good man! I am not a bad man. I am not a hero. And I'm definitely not a president. And no, I'm not an officer. Do you know what I am? I am an idiot, with a box and a screwdriver. Just passing through, helping out, learning."

Though as examples of this can be seen in stories that happen after this episode we can see it was short lives epiphany.

As a part of identity construct The Doctor has a hero and god complex, this is also something that is warranted to some extent because of all they have done, but the good and bad having been done as The Doctor is part of why this identity is distant from the person (TV: Smile, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Flatline, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Waters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/ The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon a Time)

In TV: Flatline when he has to combat the Boneless he has to make choices he actually struggles. This combines identity issues around The Doctor, with his hero/god complex, and the guilt over past actions.

“ Doctor: I tried to talk. I want you to remember that. I tried to reach out, I tried to understand you, but I think that you understand us perfectly.

And I think you just don't care. And I don't know whether you are here to invade, infiltrate or just replace us. I don't suppose it really matters now. You are monsters. That is the role you seem determined to play. So it seems I must play mine.

The man that stops the monsters. I'm sending you back to your own dimension. Who knows? Some of you may even survive the trip. And, if you do, remember this. You are not welcome here. This plane is protected. I am The Doctor. And I name you The Boneless. ”

An interesting arc connected to his trauma and identity issues through the story thread between the stories TV: Kill the Moon, TV: In The Forest of The Night, and TV: Thin Ice is about the authority he has over the earth and including his companions in this work.

First in TV: Kill The Moon we see The Doctor rejecting his connection to the earth and refusing to take the actions surrounding rather or not to kill the moon or not.

“Doctor: Listen, there are moments in every civilisation's history in which the whole path of that civilisation is decided. The whole future path. Whatever future humanity might have depends upon the choice that is made right here and right now. Now, you've got the tools to kill it. You made them. You brought them up here all on your own, with your own ingenuity. You don't need a Time Lord. Kill it. Or let it live. I can't make this decision for you.'

‘Doctor: Listen, we went to dinner in Berlin in 1937, right? We didn't nip out after pudding and kill Hitler. I've never killed Hitler. And you wouldn't expect me to kill Hitler. The future is no more malleable than the past...Sorry. Well, actually, no, I'm not sorry. It's time to take the stabilisers off your bike. It's your moon, womankind. It's your choice.”

Twelves rejecting his over who he really is makes him vacillate between being amazingly in control and shrewd and I think dreading to make decisions, and the more the decision has social aspects, like the effects of the choices of the moon and fallout he struggles to actually be the one. [This story is one I personally don’t know if he knew or not] He is focused on the control in a paradoxical fashion as he is both literally running from and trying to maintain it in the way he plays the conductor. Clara hates this, the largest fight they have stems from this,

“Clara: Oh, don't you ever tell me to mind my language. Don't you ever tell me to take the stabilisers off my bike. And don't you dare lump me in with the rest of all the little humans that you think are so tiny and silly and predictable. You walk our Earth, Doctor, you breathe our air. You make us your friend, and that is your moon too. And you can damn well help us when we need it."

Her comments about Earth being The Doctor’s home too, that the humans care for the earth, The Doctor meddles in the earth and therefore he has responsibilities to them. That he can’t play games with those who trust him.

The next time this arc comes up in earnest is in TV: In The Forest of The Night,

“Doctor: This is my world, too. I walk your earth, I breathe your air.

Clara: And on behalf of this world, you're very welcome. Now, go. Save the next one.”

In this story, The Doctor lets Clara know he heard her, and we can see he is no longer questioning his care for the earth and the personal nature of his responsibility to the humans, and his friends. He is still making executive decisions though.

In TV: Thin Ice we see The Doctor backtrack somewhat on being part of the earth, but he is willing to listen to others. I see it as part of The Doctor’s change in attitude being exhausted of making choices, but also knowing and being willing to do it anyway.

"Doctor: She might. It's a risk. So, what do you want to do, Bill?

Bill: We already know the answers. Why are you even asking?

Doctor: I don't know the answers. Only idiots know the answers. But if your future is built on the suffering of that creature, what's your future worth?

Bill: Why is it up to me?

Doctor: Because it can't be up to me. Your people, your planet. I serve at the pleasure of the human race, and right now, that's you. Give me an order. Not long till noon. I need an order."

Overall this exchange helps illustrate how he doesn't have a lot of linear change, more changing expressions of his earlier experiences and reacting to the changing circumstances of the struggles.

His issues with Soldiers connected to these identity issues and is a major component of his history of trauma with the Time War and Trenzalore. He’s never liked guns or using weapons and has a disparaging view of War for his whole existence as three commenting on military intelligence as a “contradiction in terms”.

This more complete rejection of soldiers doesn’t start to manifest until the Eighth Doctor. It’s interesting as by this point The Doctor is much more of a soldier than his older regenerations, The Brigadier being his best friend for the majority of his regenerations and still being a friend up till Eleven. As he became more willing to cross lines and someone who could command people to die for him he hates the concept. During the Time war however even as a soldier his contempt for the military stays being the People’s hero but someone the establishment doesn't like (TV: The Day of The Doctor, Prose: Engines of War, TV: Hell Bent).

The dislike of soldiers is most pronounced in the early part of Twelve's time (TV: Dark Water, TV: The Girl Who, Comic: The Hyperion Empire). In TV: Into The Dalek, he rejects Journey Blue coming with him explicitly because she’s a soldier,

“ Journey: Doctor. Take me with you.

Doctor: I think you're probably nice. Underneath it all, I think you're kind and you're definitely brave. I just wish you hadn't been a soldier.”

TV: The Caretaker is another story where this is front and centre. Explicitly stating his hatred of soldiers

"Doctor: I hate soldiers. Don't you hate soldiers?"

During the story, this conflict becomes entangled with his “duty of care” with Clara and control issues with Danny Pink. The Doctor immediately dislikes him as a retired soldier calling “PE” even when he’s a maths teacher, as an insult. Danny gets involved with his plans causing a rift by him breaking The Doctor’s control, and plan. It's directly discussed between The Doctor and Danny over their dual perceptions of the other as someone they view as antagonistic to their own selves.

“Danny: Now, Time Lords, do you salute those?

Doctor: Definitely not.

Danny: Ah. Sir!

Doctor: And you do not call me sir.

Danny: As you wish, sir. Absolutely, sir.

Doctor: And you can get out of my Tardis!

Danny: Immediately, sir.

Clara: Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair.

Danny: One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him? He's an officer.

Doctor: I am not an officer!

Danny: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire. He's the one who lights it.

Doctor: Out. Now.

Danny: Right away, sir. Straight now?

Doctor: Yes.

Danny: Am I dismissed?

Doctor: Yes, you are!

Danny: That's him. Look at him, right now. That's who he is.”

In TV: Death in Heaven this disagreement continues:

"Cyber-Danny: Clara, watch this. This is who The Doctor is. Watch the blood-soaked old general in action. I can't see properly, sir, because this needs activating. If you want to know what's coming, you have to switch it on. And didn't all of those beautiful speeches just disappear in the face of a tactical advantage? Sir.

Doctor: I need to know. I need to know.

Cyber-Danny: Yes. Yes, you do.

Clara: Give me the screwdriver.

Doctor: No.

Clara: Just do it, Doctor. Do as you are told.

Cyber-Danny: Typical officer. Got to keep those hands clean."

The dislike of soldiers as stated earlier rises in conjunction with their ability to think and act like one. Twelve very easily assumes a military footing, having the ability to act like a soldier and general when necessary. A very intimate understanding of violence follows him and the mindset can be triggered into the front. (Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, TV: Death in Haven, TV: The Magician’s Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Invasion, TV: Hell Bent, & TV: The Eaters of Light)

A version of this can be seen in TV: The Girl Who Died, when the village falls under attack Clara tries to get him to help the people survive, The Doctor’s first response is to try and train them with weapons, something Clara points out he ought to know better. The interesting thing is that at this point that is Twelve’s fall back mode.

Twelve comments on this in TV: The Empress of Mars,

“Bill: You knew that would happen.

Doctor: Always been my problem.

Bill: What?

Doctor: Thinking like a warrior.”

This I think is a combination of the above-discussed issues of hypervigilance and traumatic identity formation but also implicit memories. Living in a war zone twice, and before those long periods of violence in other situations has taught him to think like this. If they don’t people they love, along with innocents will die.

He frames his life around being a battle, around fighting an endless war. In TV: Twice Upon a Time we see him refer to a long life as such;

“Doctor: A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen”

When he decides to regenerate he remarks on it by saying,

“Doctor: Time to leave the battlefield”

The Doctor struggles to handle not having some kind of stimulation of danger, often seeking out dangerous situations. A combined addiction to the violence even if he has a moral and personal disgust with war and wanton violence. (TV: Time Heist, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: Gangland, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Comic: Playing House, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: The Pilot, TV: Thing Ice. TV: Oxygen, & TV: World Enough and Time)

In Prose: Big Bang Generation he comments on this saying that it has gotten worse since his fourth incarnation, pointing out he wouldn’t be caught dead on a planet like Legion back then, nonetheless been going to the scariest part as The Doctor was currently doing. Pointing out that between age, desensitization and a growing reckless his behaviour has changed, the love of adventure maybe being more compulsive when taken in relation to other comments. He describes his agitation and impatience here as “itchy feet”.

In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express they comment on how they couldn’t have just have a normal

“Clara: You knew. You knew this was no relaxing break. You knew this was dangerous.

Doctor: I didn't know. I certainly hoped.”

And at a later point as Clara is trying to decide to stay or not they point out it’s an addictive tendency, something heavily related to BPD and C-PTSD

“Clara: I know it's scary and difficult, but do you love being the man making the impossible choice?

Doctor: Why would I?

Clara: Because it's what you do, all day, every day.

Doctor: It's my life.

Clara: Doesn't have to be. Is it like

Doctor: Like what?

Clara: An addiction?

Doctor: You can't really tell if something's an addiction till you try and give it up.

Clara: And you never have.

Doctor: Let me know how it goes.”

In TV: Heaven Sent when commenting on the construction of the confession dial/prison the captures made for him he reinforces this idea.

“ Doctor: It's a killer puzzle box designed to scare me to death, and I'm trapped inside it. Must be Christmas. ”

The Doctor can be impulsive ( TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Thin Ice, TV: Husband of River Song, TV: Into The Dalek, Comic: Clara Oswald and The SChool of Death, Comic: Unearthly Things, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, Comic: The Lost Dimension, & Comic: Beneath the Waves)

The Doctor is often extremely reckless ( TV: The Magician's Apprentice, Comic: Terrorformer, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: GangLand, Comic: Fractures, TV: Husbands of River Song, Comic: The Twist, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Lie of The Land, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, TV: The Doctor Falls, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir & Comic: The Lot Dimension)

This can get to a point where he is throwing himself into a situation where he could easily die in order to save others, or at least solve the problem (TV: Last Christmas, TV: Time Heist, TV: The Lie of The Land, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death) An example id in TV: Time Hist in order to figure out what is going on and how to save the people left in the vault he allows the Teller to read his mind something they know often turns brains to “soup”. In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express The Doctor uses himself as bait to solve the puzzle allowing the ForeTold to lock on to him.

In TV: The Witch’s Familiar he uses his own regeneration energy to beat the Daleks and Davros, causing himself great pain and possibly affecting further versions of The Doctor. It also shows an increased sense of willingness to harm himself when he believes he’s lost, Clara. In a show of further escalation in personal disregard and tendency to cause himself harm these actions happen at an increased rate in his last season.

In TV: Oxygen The Doctor saves Bill by taking off his suit and giving it to her. This act leaves him harmed causing him to be blind, this effect was long-lasting and could have been permanent. During the period where this harm is left on him, in a semi-visible manner, and has a large effect on his well being. He tries to compensate but leaves him frustrated by the effects he caused himself.

Following this in TV: Extremis The Doctor again puts himself in a position to not only almost die, cause himself pain but be willing to put his future on the line.

“Doctor: The thing about the universe is, whatever you need, you can always borrow, as long as you pay it back. I just borrowed from my future. I get a few minutes of proper eyesight, but I lose something. Maybe all my future regenerations will be blind. Maybe I won't regenerate ever again. Maybe I'll drop dead in twenty minutes.”

This shows a lack of regard for any future versions of himself, not caring about planning forward. We know he is guarding missy but if she wanted to get out, it's pretty clear she would have, and Nardole is there to do so. Not to mention she is let out way earlier than the original promise was made for. Not caring or planning for a future is emblematic of depression, C-PTSD and BPD. With BPD part of it is lack of permanence of self and of emotions, something we see heavily with him.

The Doctor carries a profound sense of guilt, even after knowing he was able to keep Gallifrey from becoming completely destroyed we still use a heavyweight about what he has done and has failed to do that has hurt others. (Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/ The Witch's Familiar, TV: Prequel to the magician's apprentice, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon a Time) This is referenced in TV: Extremis:

“Angelo: Pope Benedict said that you were more in need of confession than any man breathing. But when the offer was made, you replied it would take too much time. On behalf of the Catholic Church, the offer stands. You seem like a man with regret on his mind.”

The guilt is referenced in Comic: Unearthly Things, when he is unable to save the monster he almost hurts himself doing so. After Clara pulls him back he says

“Doctor: I hope it wasn’t the last of its kind”

This references The Doctor’s own history of being the only one left something he later comments on in TV: The Lie of The Land calling Missy the ‘other of the last of the time lords’. He feels sadness over the idea of others not only facing the same fate but of being the one to end a people.

In TV: Before The Flood Clara references his guilt over all of the people around him over the years,

“Doctor: This isn't a potential future. This is the future now. It's already happened. The proof is right there in front of you. I have to die.

Clara: No. You can change things.

Doctor: I can't. Even the tiniest change, the ramifications could be catastrophic. It could spread carnage and chaos across the universe like ripples on a pond. Oh, well, I've had a good innings. This regeneration, it's a bit of a clerical error anyway. I've got to go some time.

Clara: Not with me! Die with whoever comes after me. You do not leave me.

Doctor: Clara, I need to talk to you just on your own. Listen to me. We all have to face death eventually, be it ours or someone else's.

Clara: I'm not ready yet. I don't want to think about that, not yet.

Doctor: I can't change what's already happened. There are rules.

Clara: So break them. And anyway, you owe me. You've made yourself essential to me. You've given me something else to, to be. And you can't do that and then die. It's not fair.

Doctor: Clara.

Clara: No. Doctor, I don't care about your rules or your bloody survivor's guilt. If you love me in any way, you'll come back. Doctor, are you?

Doctor: I can't save Moran or Pritchard.

Clara: No, but like you said, if you can, if you can find out why this is happening, maybe you can stop them killing anybody else, you can save us. And you can stop it happening to you.”

Connected to guilt are feelings of shame. In the series 9 opening two-parter TV: The Magicians Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar this is a topic that is discussed. Ohila, Clara and Missy all point out that he looks shamed by the actions he took prior to this.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone.”

The Doctor is not ignoring or pretending that he doesn’t have anything to be ashamed of. I believe it is something that on its own would be healthy. Recognizing you’ve done wrong is a good thing, but when tied with his other problem and guilt that can cause harm.

Grief laid heavy over this Doctor which is tied to his guilt. (TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Husbands of River Song, TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: The Woman Who Lives, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Hell Bent) In TV: The Girl Who Died this topic is discussed

“Doctor: I don't mean the war. I'll lose any war you like. I'm sick of losing people. Look at you, with your eyes, and your never giving up, and your anger, and your kindness. One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe, and I'll do what I always do. I'll get in my box and I'll run and I'll run, in case all the pain ever catches up. And every place I go, it will be there.”

This discusses how grief plagues him and how it hangs as anxiety over him, and that he has spent years running away from pain but also that Twelve is extremely aware that it won’t ever really work.

In TV: Heaven Sent the feelings of grief are newly made, anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and sheer weight of the loss of Clara is as painful to him as the torture itself and how it just never ends.

“Doctor: It's funny, the day you lose someone isn't the worst. At least you've got something to do. It's all the days they stay dead.

Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

In Comic: The Four Doctors we see a version of The Doctor who lost his Clara earlier and was connected to a betrayal.

Gabby Narrating “[ The Doctor] He’s either turned his back on grief and self-doubt---or it’s consumed him completely ”

This Doctor is very similar to a version like The Time Lord Victorious Tenth Doctor, Late Era Eighth Doctor and most importantly we see that it is close to The Doctor we see in TV: Hell Bent. This Doctor took control of another planet like TV: Hell Bent he took control, and revenge over Galifrey. It differs however from season 10 Twelve who see the consumption is more tied with the hopeless and fatigue feelings, unlike this version who fell into grasping for control and anger.

The Doctor is very lonely this idea is something that has been established as following him from his childhood but has become even more prominent as time goes one. This is deeply tied to the grief, his age, depression and traumatic haze that follows him makes even the people he latches on to feels removed. (Prose: Bing Bang Generation, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio, TV: Twice Upon A Time, & Comic: The Twist)

This concept is extremely important in Comic: The Boy With The Displaced Smile, the story is about a scared and lonely child being used by a space parasite. The Doctor and the woman he teams up with here are able to help through empathy and understanding of the child. The Doctor comments on how to help him, and the others notice this comes from experience. This shows The Doctor as lonely and sad, and still very much carrying this out of time wounded part in him.

This is referenced in TV: Face The Raven,

“Clara: You. Now, you listen to me. You're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. You're going to be furious and you're going to be sad, but listen to me.”

Noting he can’t handle being alone, that he needs people to be able to regulate, this invokes the topic of Co-regulation. The Doctor has difficulties with regulation and his behavioural management becomes more reckless when alone I think that the idea of lacking self-regulation and often needing outside influence is applicable.

In Comic: Relative Dimensions The Doctor faces the Celestial Toymaker again who’s pocket dimension is slowly falling apart. At this point, the Celestial Toymaker is afraid to join with the normal universe. They use the TARDIS to form him a new sealed off toy room, and The Doctor leaves him to continue playing without any push back.

“Doctor: I had to help him, Clara. Can you understand?

Clara: Let me see-- A lonely god drifting through time and space in his magic toy box? Yeah, I understand Doctor. All Too Well.”

The Doctor has depression, this is something clear in this Doctor. (TV: Listen, TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Dark Water/Death In Heaven, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, Comic: The Boy with The Displaced Smile, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

He experiences hopelessness tied in with some catastrophization,(TV: Heaven Sent, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: Eaters of Light, Comic: The Four Doctor, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

In TV: Last Christmas we see comments on this and general depression,

“Clara: Well, look at you, all happy. That's rare.

Doctor: Do you know what's rarer? Second chances. I never get a second chance, so what happened this time? Don't even know who to thank.”

The Doctor has an extremely poor self-image and it’s a sign of PTSD and depression. (TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Hell Bent, TV: Twice Upon A Time) In TV: Time Heist one clue that helps him work out the architect, who is The Doctor, is that he hates him.

“Doctor: I hate him. He's overbearing, he's manipulative, he likes to think that he's very clever. I hate him! Clara, don't you see?”

This shows that he just literally hates himself. It’s in very clear terms. In TV: Flatline The Doctor admits that Clara was very good at playing Doctor, but tells her that goodness is antithetical to being like him. Showing that he has trouble seeing himself and his actions as something good.

“Doctor: You were an exceptional Doctor, Clara.

Clara: Thank you.

Doctor: Goodness had nothing to do with it.”

In TV: Dark Water The Doctor is talking to Clara after she betrays him

“Clara: I don't deserve a friend like you.

Doctor: Clara, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm exactly what you deserve.”

This notes that he thinks that he is equally as hurtful as she was to him. Reflecting his poor estimation of who he is.

The Doctor has intense fatigue that permeates his Twelfth regeneration (TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon A Time).

In TV: The Girl Who Died The Doctor has a wave of exhaustion come over him when he realises he didn’t save Ashildr. He sighs harshly and sags visibly.

“Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing.

Clara: You didn't lose. You saved the town.

Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing”

We see these feelings crop up again in TV: Heaven Sent

“Doctor: Can't I just sleep?

Blackboard: Question 2. What did you say that made the creature stop?

Doctor: Do I have to know everything?

Blackboard: How are you going to Win??”

Doctor: Clara, I can't always”

And later

“Doctor: Can't I just lose? Just this once?

Doctor; Easy. It would be easy. It would be so easy. Just tell them. Just tell them, whoever wants to know, all about the Hybrid.

Doctor: I can't keep doing this. I can't! I can't always do this! It's not fair! Clara, it's just not fair! Why can't I just lose?”

Connected to this is and recklessness is that near the end of season 10 we pass the behaviour of being willing to get injured to actions that border more on suicidal actions ending with outright suicidal actions.

The Start of the most extreme actions is in TV: The Lie of The Land he uses up regeneration energy in a show of disregard for his possible future, but even more so tries to burn out his own brain, in a last-ditch attempt that likely won’t work to save other people. There were also alternatives to this, one, of course, would result in bills death, but it turned out it could be done without even putting himself in harm. This like the previous discussion of recklessness is self-harm directly and breaching into suicide.

Following this in TV: The Eaters of Light we see Twelve try and die again, while yes someone was going to lose his life, he would be in agony for many years longer than any other of them. There is no way he could have survived this action.

This culminated in TV: The Doctor Falls and TV: Twice Upon a Time where he refuses to regenerate. Refusing to regenerate is a Time Lord equivalent of suicide, as it is ending a life voluntarily. In TV: The Doctor Falls we also see him hold himself in the painful state of suspended regeneration and only putting it off in order to be kind. It ends with him trying to accept death by the cybermen and then refusing and yelling no trying to stop it from happening.

This refusal to regenerate becomes a crucial plot point in TV: Twice Upon A Time. The First Doctor is refusing to regenerate out of fear and Twelve is exhausted. Near the end Twelve discusses this, admitting to Nardole that he does want to die to due to the pain of his memories and grief.

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest?

Bill: Of course you can.

Nardole: It's your choice.

Bill: Only yours.

Nardole: We understand.

Doctor: No. No, you don't. You're not even really here. You're just memories held in glass. Do you know how many of you I could fill? I would shatter you. My testimony would shatter all of you. A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen. Thank you. Thank you both, for everything that you were to me. What happens now, where I go now, it has be alone.”

When at the end of this he does regenerate, this exchange and much of The Doctor’s action shows how suicidal Twelve became near the end. This also echoes sentiments from TV: Heaven Sent & TV: The Girl Who Died. These sentiments and suicidality are textbook depression, BPD & C-PTSD. It shows loneliness, fatigue, guilt, grief, memories, isolation, feelings of emptiness and attachment struggles.

A topic connected to this I find discussed often when people analysis the New Who Doctor’s, especially when talking about the thirteenth Doctor, placing Twelve as someone who has a linear path toward healing from grief and trauma. This point of view is usually framed as the stages of grief, so the thinking is this: Nine represents denial, Ten anger, Eleven bargaining, Twelve depression And ending with Thirteen as acceptance

I find this analysis to be deeply over-simplistic. [I've talked about it a few times on my Tumblr.] That analysis ignores much of The Doctor as a whole and has a frustratingly terrible understanding of trauma.

It only cares about the new who Doctors, even excluding the ones who participated in the time war which it purports to be analysing The Doctor as having mostly healed from through Twelves arc culmination in Thirteen being removed from the trauma and loss completely. But The Eighth Doctor and War Doctor both participated in the time war and had differing reactions to the trauma. It excludes that Nine had a lot of depressed and angry feelings, it would have Ten only be anger but we see textbook bargaining in Ten and also heaps of denial lying to Martha, Eleven is deeply angry and depressed. While I agree Twelve suffers from depression he has anger, and his depression engulfs him at the end meaning the transition from that depression is confusing just as ten’s anger is eating at him.

Legitimately healing would mean that the steps towards acceptance wouldn’t be the things getting worse for most. Even if you think it’s allegory then I wonder why Eleven wouldn’t have bargaining as something prevalent as the main characteristic seen by many.

The next part of this is that people seem to be seeing The Time War as the only important trauma and grief Twelve is dealing with. This is reductive, likely part of people who see war as the only thing that can cause PTSD. I have discussed before that trauma starts building up with the first Doctor, The Doctor is classic complex trauma. But for this specific section, we are focused on the traumatic experience that happens close to his regeneration and during it.

As I discussed before Trenzalore is a war that Twelve experienced directly before he began, something that would explain the heightened distaste for soldiers and war Twelve has even more so than elven. Which shows to me that Twelve along with having just differing reactions it’s likely something retraumatized him in a similar manner.

The episodes of extreme injury The Doctor suffered are enough to trauma on their own. Examples include having his energy sucked (TV: The Witch’s Familiar), being in the vacuum of space and going blind (TV: Oxygen), and Burning his brain up twice (TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World/Lie of The Land).

Many traumas are experienced directly by Twelve. The standout experience is during TV: Heaven Sent. Twelves experience four and a half billion years of torture. This is done by his own people, people whom he saved and spent years wanting back and looking for. They hurt his friend in this process as well, the pain this causes most have been deeply traumatic. Another part of this is that The Doctor stayed in this torture chamber and let himself be hurt over and over when as he comments he could have given in. It’s a willingness to experience extreme pain, to try and retain some control, and possibly save Clara. But as Clara says in TV: Hell Bent she was dead and this in and of itself was trauma, combined with the guilt of having harmed others through it.

The loss of his friends and the way it’s tied to his own choices is traumatic as well. (TV: Face The Rave, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls). River Song is also seen for the last time in The Doctor’s timeline here which is another loss and could be re-traumatizing from experience dating back to Tenth Doctor. (TV: Husbands of River Song)

Seeing all this shows that The Doctor is still experiencing Complex-Trauma and this happens on top of his already existing C-PTSD. The perception he is healing or starting to accept can also be seen as him having “the most” PTSD whereas I also disagree with this, he just has another way of showing his PTSD as well as BPD.

Lastly in the subject of I think common views on him being near healing is saying that his regeneration is one of accepting and wanting to move forward.

Usually, people who hold this viewpoint at his ending message to the next Doctor;

“Doctor: You wait a moment, Doctor. Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first. Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never, ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish. and love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind... Argh! But nobody else. Nobody else, ever. Laugh hard, run fast, be kind. Doctor, I let you go.”

But I think pulling only this last part misses much of regeneration story,

First paying attention to the pieces of dialogue I noted before when talked over fatigue, grief and suicidal ideation,

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest? ”

Then right before the speech to thirteen, when he actually finally chooses to regenerate it’s not a moment of acceptance at all.

“Doctor: Oh, there it is. The silly old universe. The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill.

TARDIS: beeps, flashes and burbles

Doctor: Yes, yes, I know. They'll get it all wrong without me. I suppose one more lifetime wouldn't kill anyone. Well, except me.”

What I think this actually shows that when he regenerates he is doing it out of obligation to protect the universe. He is literally choosing to regenerate because “They'll get it all wrong without me”. When he says “Doctor I let you go” I don't believe it’s necessarily a statement of hope and healing, but more part of the Identity Construction of The Doctor being apart from him, and yes passing the torch, but the torch of being there for the universe for others.

Choosing to continue living out of obligation to others, even if in reality he just wants to die as he is, as himself. Even within the story as I’ve talked about there are more accepting regenerations. The Third, Fourth, Ninth and Eleventh Doctor’s are all more accepting of the change. Twelve himself’s more honest version he presents of who he is and what he’s been through could be connected to a Doctor who had to stay in the wake of his actions.

Overall Twelve displays a great deal of struggle with mental health, Flashbacks, Hyperarousal, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, fatigue, unstable beliefs, constructed identity, traumatic implicit programming, agitation, recklessness, attachment issues, enmeshment, low self-confidence, self-injury and suicidal ideation. This regeneration has a gruff and more honest projection of himself and is more honest about his own difficulties, with Clara mostly. This Doctor is interesting as someone who lives in the wake of some of the lowest actions of Eleventh regeneration as well as the highest moment of saving Gallifrey.

Using the lens of trauma I believe we can get a lot of insight into Twelve's character and help understand this character who is often viewed in a reductionist manner.

[Also Posted on my Archive of Our Own page in a series with the other doctor study posts]

[hellyeahheroes]

Building Emiko Queen in D&D 5e

As we all know by now, I’m inspired to do these builds by those made by Tulok the Barbarian. But after a few of those (we had Cass Cain and Static for DC and Nico Minoru and Laura Kinney for Marvel) I wanted to try to challenge him somewhat. There is his Hawkeye build which is veeeery good and could work perfectly with almost any comics archer, be it Kate Bishop or Green Arrow. A challenge I want to give myself is to make a build that could function similar but does not use the same baseline, so no Arcane Archer. And I have a character I think can be perfect for exactly that.

First, let us write down our goals for this build. We need to make Emiko an archer so good even her own brother admitted she is better than him. Then we need to make her stealthy - she is a former assassin and you don’t put an arrow through Deathstroke’s head by loudly announcing your presence. Finally, we need to get our own equivalent of trick arrows.

For Ability Scores, I’ll be using standard points array, if you or you DM prefers to roll or use point buy, treat this as a guideline. Dexterity is our top priority since this is the basic of archery in the game. Wisdom next, Emiko surprises her enemies, not the other way around. Constitution next, we will need it for concentration. Intelligence as Emi isn’t known for bad grades. Charisma is on the low but, in all fairness, she can come off as abrasive or arrogant at times. And we will dump strength - you either go all-in with it or you drop it. The Stats should then look like this: STR 8 DEX 15 CON 13 INT 12 WIS 14 CHA 10

Now for species, or how D&D likes to call it, Race.  Emiko is a Human, there is nothing meta or alien about it, it’s part of the whole badass normal appeal. So we will make her the most badass human, Variant Human. Add +1 to your Dexterity and Wisdom, choose Athletics for your bonus skill, any language of your choice and Sharpshooter for a feat. It lets you make long-range attacks without disadvantage, ignore half and three-quarters cover and take -5 to the attack roll for +10 to damage if you hit.

For the Background, we cannot choose assassin but Urban Bounty Hunter will work just fine. It lets you choose proficiency with a musical instrument and a set of gaming tools and two skills. We will go for Deception and Insight. It also gives you an Ear to the Ground feature, which allows you to have contacts in every city, which you can use to get information on criminal activities. I assume Emiko gained a few of these during her time under Simon Lacroix, in Team Arrow or Teen Titans.

For the Classes, we are multiclassing two classes, one of which is Rogue. And if there is one thing that has been true in D&D even waay back during 3rd edition, it is this. If you’re multiclassing with Rogue, start with the Rogue. First level gives us proficiency in all simple weapons, light armors, thieves’ tools, secret Thieve’s Cant language, Intelligence and Dexterity saving throws and four skills - choose Acrobatics, Stealth, Perception, and Investigation. We then get Expertise in two of those, letting us double the proficiency bonus to them and you should pick Stealth and Perception.

We also get Sneak Attack, which allows us to deal an extra 1d6 damage on a hit with finesse or ranged weapon, as long as we either have advantage on the attack or the target is standing no less than 5 feet away from someone hostile to them who isn’t incapacitated and we do not have disadvantage on the attack roll.

You might have noticed that this does not give us one crucial thing - proficiency with the longbow. Let us fix that. First level of Ranger gives us proficiency with it and all martial weapons, one skill of choice, choose Survival. You also get two features. 

UPDATE Since this was published a new Unearthed Arcana presented variant features for the Ranger that let us replace the shitty ones from main build and still stack with prestige class we’re using, we’ll take them.

Favored Foe lets you cast  Hunter’s Mark, with a casting time of 1 bonus action and a concentration time up to 1 hour, lets you mark a single target, deal 1d6 extra damage whenever you hit them and gain an advantage on Perception and Survival checks to find them. If the target dies before the spell's duration ends, you can move it to another one. This spell does not count against the number of spells you know and you can cast it without expending a spell slot (more about that in a moment) number of times equal your Wisdom Modifier per long rest.

Deft Explorer lets us choose one of three options. Tireless let us remove one level of exhaustion whenever we finish short rest and let us heal 1d10+WIS modifier as an action, usable equal amount of time per long rest as your WIS modifier.

ALTERNATIVE: You might have noticed I’m using standard Ranger and not a much better, revised version. This is because we will be taking an archetype that officially cannot be combined with the revised Ranger. If your DM would let you combine them then a) cherish your DM like a fool they are and b) you get to choose only one type of humanoid for favored enemy but get +2 to damage rolls against them and you natural explorer gives you an advantage on Initiative rolls, advantage on attacks against creatures that have not yet acted during your first turn of combat and lets you ignore difficult terrain.

Second level Ranger gets to choose a Fighting Style and Archery gives us +2 to ranged attack rolls, helping mitigate that pesky -5 from Sharpshooter. We also get to learn our first two spells. Ranger’s spellcasting works like Sorcerer’s - we get to know a number of spells according to the level and have a number of spell slots and we have to burn to cast a spell. You can cast a spell using a higher level spell slot to give it a bonus, you can change one spell you know for another whenever you take a level in Ranger and you cannot learn a spell of a higher level than your highest spell slot available. If a spell allows a saving throw, the difficulty is your Wisdom modifier + your Proficiency Bonus and if it asks for an attack roll it’s those two +8. And thanks to Spell Versitality from Unearthed Arcana, you can replace spell you know with another spell of the same level every long rest.

We get to know two spells on the first level and we will pick two to make our first trick arrows

Ensnaring Strike - next time you hit a target with an attack, they must make a Strength saving throw or be restrained by magical vines until you break concentration, after a minute of time or whenever they or another creature wastes an action to take another Strength check to free them and actually succeeds. Also, the target takes 1d6 poison damage at the beginning of each their turn. This is our net arrow.

Fog Cloud creates a sphere of fog 20-foot radius, in which the area is heavily obscured. You can concentrate on it for up to 1 hour or until a strong enough wind blows it away. This is our smoke arrow.

Now back to Rogue at second level we get Cunning action, letting us take hide, dash or disengage as a bonus action.

3rd Level Rogue updates their Sneak Attack to 2d6 and gets to choose a Roguish Archetype. And we will, of course, go with Assassin. I mean, Emiko is one, it kinda goes without saying. 3rd Level gives us proficiency with disguise and poisoner’s kits and a creatively called feature of Assassinate - it gives you an advantage on attacks you make during the first round of combat against enemies that haven’t acted yet and makes any hit automatically count as a critical hit.

Neat, huh? Well, let us make it even better. 3rd Level Ranger gets to choose their own archetype, Ranger Conclave. Gloom Stalker gives you Umbral Sight, which grants you Darkvision up to 60 ft - you see like normal in dim light and like in dim light in darkness - AND in darkness you are invisible to any creatures trying to see you with Darkvision.

But the real treasure of this archetype is Dread Ambusher lets you add your Wisdom modifier to Initiative rolls. And during your first turn of combat your speed increases by 10 feet, as long as you won’t interrupt your move by any other action (eg. if you move, attack and move again you’re back to your normal speed) and lets you make an additional attack as a part of that turn and if that attack hits, you add 1d8 to the damage.

Let me lay it down for those who were not paying attention. You add two your highest modifiers to Initiative, you get to make two attacks with advantage and if you hit you add 1d8 to one and your Sneak Attack damage to both AND then roll that damage twice for an automatic crit. On top of having Hunter’s Mark

Gloom Stalker also adds Disguise Self to your Spells know, without it counting against the maximum number of spells you can know. It allows you to change your appearance for up to an hour without need for concentration and you cannot change your body type (in a sense you cannot grow extra limbs, horns or wings, not making yourself look more muscular, thinner etc.) and you cannot make yourself look more than 1 feet taller or shorter than you already are. It’s an illusion and falls doesn’t hold to physical inspection. I don’t know if it is an Emiko thing, you can always keep it to exchange for something else later.

Strategy: At your first turn pick up the most dangerous-looking soon-to-be-dead enemy, put Hunter’s Mark on them and make them take 26 on first and 34 on second attack on average, 52 and 68 respectively maximum. And that damage will only grow with the levels. Now imagine you also get advantage on Initiative rolls and +4 to that damage and you understand why a DM that lets you combine this with Revised Ranger is a fool.

You also get a rather mediocre and situational Primeval Awareness so we will exchange it for Primal Awareness from Unearthed Arcana, which allows us to add following spells to spells you know, without them counting against the limit of spells you know, on top of the one you get to pick. on this level

Detect Magic allows you to sense magic around you up to 10 minutes on Concentration, within 30 feet but blocked by 1 foot of stone, 1 inch of common metal, a thin sheet of lead, or 3 feet of wood or dirt. You see aura of magical objects and beings and can recognize what school of magic it is. Some sort of radar or scanner maybe?

Speak With Animals - up to 10 minutes, no concentration, you can communicate with animals and convince them to do you small favors or ask minor things like the location of monster they’ve seen within a day.

Hail of Thorns has concentration-time up to one minute and casting of 1 bonus action and lets you make your arrow burst with thorns. When you hit a target, it deals 1d10 (+1d10 for each higher level of spell that it is cast from) piercing damage to them and everyone within 5 feet of them, half on successful Dexterity saving throw. Exploding arrow.

Fourth level Ranger gets an Ability Score Improvement or a feat. We will pick Weapon Master, which lets us increase our Dexterity by 1 and get another Fighting Style out of Fighter’s list - Close Quater’s Shooter from Unearthed Arcana grants you +1 bonus on ranged attacks and lets you make ranged attacks within 5 feet of enemies without disadvantage on the attack roll.

Alternative: If your stats are high enough you do not need an extra point here to round everything up and prefer to stay away from enemies at all times, pick up Alert instead - you get +5 to Initiative, cannot be surprised and hidden enemies do not get an advantage on attack rolls against you.

Fourth Level Rogue gets their Ability Score Improvement, letting us add +1 to two stats and round up Dexterity and Wisdom.

Fifth Level Ranger gets an extra attack, letting you attack twice as a part of the same action. Making it three attacks on your first turn. You also get to learn a new spell and it can be a 2nd level spell even. 

Cordon of Arrows lets you place up to 4 arrows as an action in an area, protecting it for up to 8 hours, and whenever another creature will get closer to it than 30 feet to any, it will fire and force a Dexterity saving throw or deal to that creature 1d6 damage.

And of course, Gloom Stalker lets you learn another one - Rope Trick. It lets you turn a rope for 1 hour into a way to another dimension, where up to 8 medium or smaller creatures can rest protected from attacks or spells and invisible to anyone. Between these two spells I assume Emiko is paranoid about being ambushed.

Primal Awareness gives us two more Spells, Beast Sense has a concentration time up to 1 hour and allows you to touch a willing beast and on action hear and see all it does. I guess you put a small camera on it?

Locate Animals or Plants allows you to describe a specific kind of animal or plant within 5 miles.

But if we need something more defensive in combat, we should head back to the Rogue. 5th level Rogue rises our Sneak attack to 3d6 and gives us Uncanny Dodge - whenever you get hit with an attack, you can use your reaction to half the damage you’ve taken.

(Just to be clear, this is THE OPPOSITE of what she’s doing here)

6th level Rogue gains expertise in two more skills, Acrobatics and Survival will nicely fit the build so far.

7th Level Rogue gets Evasion, meaning that whenever an effect would call for a successful Dexterity saving throw to take half damage, you instead take no damage as long as you pass the saving throw. And Sneak Attack increases to 4d6.

8th and Final level of Rogue gains Ability Score improvement, you should be able to cap out Dexterity

6th Level Ranger gets boring extra favored enemy and favored terrain. 7th level is better, you get a Gloom Stalker feature, Iron Mind, which gains you proficiency in Wisdom Saving throws so that Count Vertigo won’t trap you in fantasies about Nightwing again. 

You also learn a new spell but honestly and Unearthed Arcana added few good ones. While usually, I’d go with Enhance Ability, Gust of Wind feels like a better fit for trick arrows theme - it’s a concentration for up to 1 minute and creates strong wind in 60 feet long and 10 feet wide radius in any direction you want (which you can change on each of your turns), removing gas and vapor from it, extinguishing all unprotected flames and having 50% chance on doing so to protected ones. Creatures in line move with half of their movement speed against the wind’s direction and on the beginning of their turn they must make a Strength saving throw or be pushed 15 feet away. Wind Arrow?

8th Level Ranger gets an Ability Score Improvement, raise your Wisdom. You also get Land’s Stride, letting you ignore the effects of nonmagical difficult terrain and advantage on saving throws against plants magically made to impede your movement.

9th Level Ranger gets to learn 3rd level spells. Chances are you might also want to replace some less than useful ones you picked so far, so I’ll list all best options here

Conjure Barrage lets you throw an arrow in the ait to make it rain arrows, dealing 3d8 damage to every creature in a 60-foot cone, half on a successful Dexterity saving throw. Less a trick arrow and more you replicating that time Ollie fired five arrows at different targets all at once.

Flame Arrows - concentration up to 1 hour to let you make your arrow deal extra 1d6 fire damage. Heated arrow, if that is a thing.

Lighting Arrow allows you to transform your arrow into a freaking lightning bolt, dealing target 4d8 lightning damage on a hit, 2d8 on a miss and whenever you hut or not every creature within 10 feet of it takes 2d8 lightning damage, half on a successful Dexterity saving throw. Electric arrow.

Gloom Stalker adds to this Fear - every creature in a 30-foot cone must succeed a Wisdom saving throw or become frightened of you for up to 1 minute (requires concentration) or on successful Wisdom saving throw granted if the affected creature loses the sight of you. Frightened creatures drop whatever they’re holding and must spend their turn taking dash action to move away from you, if they can. “I Borrowed a Page From Scarecrow’s Book” Arrow.

10th Level Ranger gains another favored terrain and Fade Away from Unearthed Arcana, which once per short or long rest allows you to as a bonus action become invisible until start of your next turn.

11th Level Gloom Stalker gains Stalker’s Fury - from now on once on each of your turns if you miss an attack you can make another one as a part of the same action. Meaning if one of your 3 attacks with advantage and auto-crit won’t hit, you can just add another one to it.

Our Captsone is 12th level of Ranger, letting us cap that Wisdom.

You are Rogue 8/Ranger 12, let us consider the pros and cons of this build. First of all, you go first. With +10 to initiative (+15 with Alert) you plain and simple go. First. You go first and someone dies when you put three arrows in them and throw a fist full of d6 and d8 dice at the DM. With Sneak Attack, Dread Ambusher, Hunter’s Mark, advantage on attack rolls, automatic critical hits and an ability to reroll a failed attack because you can deal from 2 to 4 d8 + 10d6 damage. Second, you have multiple ways to ambush or sneak upon your enemies and make sure they do not sneak up on you. Finally, Hail of Thorns, Fear and Lighting Arrow give you something against a group of enemies.

Now for the cons. First of all, you’re pretty much a one-trick-pony, focused on taking an enemy down fast, before they can even act.You drop someone on the first turn but are not that effective on the next ones and DM can quickly learn to simply add more enemies to every encounter. Second, your Constitution is not that high and both your HP and Concentration are lacking, while you need the latter for many spells and the former...you’re not within the Power Word: Kill range, but a single attack could drop you there. You also deal piercing damage and even the alternate types of damage you can deal are ones that many high-level enemies will have resistance or immunity against. Finally, you are all about stealth so you may not work well with a group more about full-frontal attack. But you still work best with a team. Be it Team Arrow or Teen Titans, you are most effective when you keep your distance and support first-line fighters with deadly strikes. Remember, you took down the world’s deadliest assassin when he was preoccupied with Robin.

Suggested choice of partner to team-up with.

ALTERNATIVES:

If your stats are good enough you can max DEX and WIS with just 4 Ability Score Improvements, consider 2 levels of Fighter to gain action Surge - suddenly your 3 attacks in first round become 5 and you can still pick second fighting style without taking Weapon Master feat.

If you want to sacrifice your stronger trick arrows to be stealthier or deadlier, consider replacing 4 levels of Ranger with Monk - you gain unarmored movement, add Wisdom to your Armor Class, get an unarmed strike to defend yourself in close-combat. Pick Way of the Shadow for a set of spells that make you stealthier. 

If you want to say fuck off to the trick arrows aspect completely, be Rogue 8/Ranger 6/Monk 6 and pick either Way of the Kensei, letting your arrows become magical and allowing you to spend ki points to add even mroe damage to them or Way of Shadow for freaking teleport.

Mind you, do not pick Way of the Kensei for 4 levels of Monk, you can only add 1d4 to your ranged damage for a bonus action and Hunter’s Mark and Hail of Thorns just do it better.

You have any suggestions of criticism? Or maybe a character you would like to see turned into a D&D build? Always open to constructive criticism or ideas.

ERRATA: Since the publications for new class options from Unearthed Arcana I have updated the build to include them.

- Admin

[kalinara]

Rip Week #1  The Many Faces of Rip

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything positive about Legends of Tomorrow.  However, it’s Rip Hunter Appreciation Week, which is a time meant for positivity!   At one point this show, and this character, had me blogging meta on a daily basis for almost two and a half years and introduced me to some great people! And I will always be grateful for that.

So the topic for Day 1 of Rip Hunter Appreciation Week: The Many Faces of Rip Hunter.

One thing that still fascinates me about Rip as a character is that, even though he’d only been a central character on the show for 1.5 seasons, we’ve gotten to see so many different sides of the character.  He’s been deconstructed so thoroughly and so fascinatingly, allowing us to really appreciate what makes the character tick.

Let’s start with Rip himself, the baseline number.  The guy who kidnapped a bunch of assholes, brought them to the roof of a tall building (and I still wonder how the stringy little bastard actually managed that) and gave them a sales pitch of a lifetime.

From the opening scene of the pilot, to Rip’s almost goodbye into the sun in Legendary, season one was first and foremost the story of a man broken by grief and betrayal, who slowly, and reluctantly found a reason to go on, and people to share it with.  Rip spent season one a raw, open wound, ugly in his pain and rage.  He tried very hard not to stay focused on his goal. He tried very hard not to care about his team.

He failed pretty much on day one, when he saved Martin Stein’s marriage.  He failed again not too long after that when he abandoned the closest thing he had to a working plan to get Carter’s body back for Kendra.  And he kept failing over and over again.

And they saved him.  They challenged him.  They forced him to look outside of his single-focused obsession and look at the people that they could save around them.  They forced him to take a long hard look at what he was doing when he started to go too far.  And he very clearly and very obviously loved them for it.

I still can’t believe that fandom still tries to claim that Rip didn’t care about his team, when we saw how broken he was after each major loss: Carter, Leonard, even Jax (almost).  That’s not a man who is unfeeling.

We saw Rip as a child: a tiny savage creature who, even when warm and fed, was still ready to stab the nearest adult who threatened him.  It gave a new, fascinating insight to the tension Rip had with both Leonard Snart and Mick Rory.  As well as possibly another reason that he’d bonded with Sara so strongly.  Rip is someone who understands what it means to become a monster in order to survive, and what it means to have to live with that afterward.  It likely does make it difficult when face to face with people who represented the worst of that time (and that’s not even touching on how child Rip probably met a number of people who looked and acted similar to our lovable Rogues, and it likely would not have ended well.)

We’ve never really seen the man Rip was before he was broken.  Except perhaps for a giddy romantic moment with Miranda and that horrible humiliation when they were caught.  We’ve heard a bit more: from that pirate in Marooned, from Magister Druce and Jonah Hex.   We can draw inferences: a man who was capable and skilled (though perhaps not as skilled as his wife :-)), who never the less was a rulebreaker at heart.  Someone who fell in love with the idea of heroism to the point where he almost left the Time Masters entirely.  Someone who, while loyal, wasn’t quite willing to trust his masters with the tool to unmake reality.  But at the same time, someone whose fundamental trust in INDIVIDUALS like Mary Xavier and Magister Druce, survived even when his world fell apart.

At the end of season 1, we got a Rip Hunter who was ready to finally move past his grief, and it will forever be something of a disappointment to me that the series decided to give us a time jump instead of actually showing us Rip learning to be part of a real team.

But season 2 did give us a truly fascinating deconstruction of Rip Hunter as an individual.

One very common plot in almost every superhero’s story is the depowerment story arc.  Who is our hero when he doesn’t have what makes him a hero?  It’s most common for men like Superman of course, but we even get it for folks like Batman or Green Arrow.  What are these men without their money, or their physicality?

What is Rip Hunter without his knowledge, his memories, or his time machine?

Well, we saw him.  And he was adorable!  Phil Gasmer was a hilarious story beat, but unlike maybe certain other storyline elements that we see in later seasons, there was also a point to Phil Gasmer.  Phil Gasmer showed us the kind of man that Rip Hunter is deep down.

He’s creative.  He’s clever.  He’s determined.  He’s a little whiny.  And definitely high.  Rip is a man who would benefit from a little unofficial pharmaceutical help.  He’s a man who, when the world suddenly goes sideways, will first attempt to protect his friend.  He’s a man who, when face to face with a stranger with scary abilities, will try to hit him with a script.  He’s a man who loves his team so much that even when he has no conscious recollection of them, he made them the basis of his movie.  And he’s a man who walked out to face the Legion to save a bunch of strangers who kidnapped him, because it was the right thing to do.

I’d like to think in another universe, Phil didn’t get kidnapped by Eobard Thawne there, but instead made it back on the ship, where the crew actually got the chance to get to know Rip without all the baggage.  I think they’d have gotten along.

And then there’s evil Rip.

“Teammate goes evil” storylines are a dime a dozen, in superhero lore, but there’s a reason for that.  When done well, they can be amazing.  And ultimately, I think the evil Rip storyline was done very well.

One of the things that I always liked about the evil Rip storyline is how it utterly destroyed that pervasive (and wrong!) fan idea that Rip never cared about his team.  Because they showed us a Rip who didn’t care about his team, and he was a fucking scary son of a bitch.

He also showed us how Rip’s best worst enemy was always going to be himself.  Because holy shit, Rip is competent when he’s not tripping himself up.  Turncoat was terrifying in all the best ways, and even that opening of Land of the Lost was amazing.  It’s still very amusing to me that the most effective member of the Legion of Doom was the one Eobard brainwashed into it.

One thing I always found fascinating about evil Rip is that, for all that he lacks Rip’s compassion, empathy and love, he didn’t go the usual scenery chewing sadist route.  He’s a monster, of course.  He was perfectly happy to murder Sara, to carve the spear piece out of McNider, and brainwash the entire knights of Camelot.  But it was always a measured sort of evil.

Evil Rip had a goal, and evil Rip pursued his goal.  And if he could get what he wanted in a relatively non-disruptive and non-violent way, he was willing to try it.  He had no interest in terrorizing the Waverider crew once he had the spear piece from them, even when he saw that Sara had survived her murder.  He tried to trick McNider, only resorting to violence when McNider saw through it.  When he had control of the knights, he just had them stand there, much to Darhk’s boredom, rather than playacting some farce for his amusement as some of the others might have done.

Evil Rip was our chance to appreciate how truly formidable Rip could actually be, and also appreciate those qualities that kept him from turning into that monster again.

My biggest disappointment in this story arc was how little we got to see Rip interact with the other members of the Legion.  His interactions with Eobard and Darhk, in what little we had, were very entertaining.  But we never saw him interact with Malcolm at all (I admit to being intrigued by this, because I thought Malcolm had actually had the most interesting dynamic with Phil in Legion of Doom), and we never saw Eobard react to his capture.  Missed opportunities or food for fanfic?

I don’t know if Doomworld Rip really counts, but I have to admit that, compared to some of Rip’s other coping mechanisms, baking cakes to deal with a year of solitary confinement (Gideon sort of counts, but she’s just a voice at this point), is pretty good for him.  I hope he actually got a chance to eat them.

The idea behind Rip at the Time Bureau really was a good one.  The idea that Rip would have created this organization, but specifically designed it to be the antithesis of the Time Masters: open, transparent, and accountable, is a good one.  But unfortunately, season 3 never really explored that to the extent I would have liked.  

It’s hard to imagine the Rip who recruited Sara before she could die with her sister to Damien Darhk would be okay with leaving Zari in a prison without a very good reason.  But we never got that reason.  Of course, maybe he wasn’t.  He wasn’t in that episode.  We know from Ava that he didn’t want her chasing the Legends, and wanted them given “lenience”.  But if he’s not on board with that, how much of the Time Bureau is actually under his control?

Considering that Return of the Mack told us that Rip allowing Darhk to be resurrected in order to confront him with agents was a “sanctioned” plan (that Rip still ends up in prison for, because Rip is just that good with people), that implies a certain level of oversight.  His and Bennett’s dynamic seemed just shy of outright antagonistic.  And certainly Rip seemed a lot more blase about seeing Bennett meet a grisly end than seems warranted.  This is a man who dismantled the team after Leonard Snart died.

I mean, trying to work out coherent characterization for ANYONE in season 3 is a bit of a problem, but I feel like if the Time Bureau had gotten the same level of focus that it gets much later, perhaps some of these things could actually work.  If, for example, there are multiple factions within the Bureau with their own ideas on what the Bureau is supposed to do, (perhaps tied with the oversight that Rip specifically put in place, because there’s nothing more Rip Hunter than getting hoisted up by his own petard), then a lot of the more confused behavior by the organization could make more sense.

In the end though, Rip is still a secretive, scheming bastard who cares very deeply for his team, and I wouldn't give up that wonderful, almost baggage free friendship with Wally for anything. So it does have its good points.

Ultimately, I think that all of these facets make Rip one of the most well-developed and defined characters in the CW-verse, even when compared with others who have had years and years of screentime.  It’s fun to poke around and explore all of these layers and see how they fit.  And it definitely is food for some great fanfic.  I’m told some other Rip fans will be writing some great fic for #RipWeek.  You should go check them out!

[bunkershotgolf]

V1 Game App Gaining Popularity Among Amateur and Pro Golfers

From Rising LPGA Stars to Recreational Players, Data is Driving Measurable Improvement

The V1 Game mobile app from V1 Sports has been gaining significant traction in the golf world on the strength of its newest cutting-edge features - A.I. Shot Tracking, Virtual Caddie and Virtual Coach. Those features are resonating with golfers of all skill levels, including fifth-year LPGA player Dana Finkelstein, who is having her best season on tour, highlighted by a T-12 finish at the Hugel-Air Premia Los Angeles Open earlier this spring and a T-14 showing at the recent Volunteers of America Classic.

V1 Game, named “Best Apple Watch Golf App for 2021” by GolfPass.com, delivers an innovative combination of on-course GPS data plus deep-dive performance analytics – including numerous Stroke Gained categories – that help golfers understand their on-course tendencies and pinpoint the skills they need to practice most in order to improve. The app requires no external hardware or second screens to provide its A.I.-powered game improvement platform.

“V1 Game uses no hardware on your golf clubs to track your shots,” says Dallas Webster, co-developer of V1 Game. “And, it's totally unlocked for your first two rounds while the GPS capabilities stay free forever. Other technology on the market requires a $300 investment in hardware just to dip your toe into the water. Our artificial intelligence handles shot tracking and makes it intuitive and seamless, so you can focus on golf and put down your phone. Plus, V1 Game makes the data accessible and actionable, analyzing your data and telling you exactly what to work on to make the next leap in your game. Data fanatics can dive as deep as they want.”

UNDER THE HOOD V1 Game’s latest features are revolutionary. A.I. Shot Tracking uses sensors in your smartphone or Apple Watch to detect shots and automatically track your round. An Apple Watch helps V1 Game detect when you swing, marks your location, and emits a soft vibration confirming your swing detection.

“Our integration with Apple Watch obsoletes external sensors,” says Webster. “We detect swings, so you can just play. And when you replace worn-down grips, you don't have to mess with hardware.” Android watch functionality is also coming soon.

If you don't have an Apple Watch, simply start a round and keep your phone in a front or back pocket, or in the cart or golf bag. V1 Game uses the phone’s GPS and accelerometer data, to determine where and when you potentially hit a shot. You may need to do some slight post-round editing - as with every shot-tracking software on the market - by simply dragging shot locations with your finger on the hole map, in places the A.I. marked shots. You can also fine-tune the A.I., depending on if you play fast or not, to further increase its accuracy.

Virtual Caddie goes beyond anything else available, using A.I. to provide adjusted ‘Plays Like’ yardages but also building a history of how you perform from various situations based on club use, lie, distance to the hole and weather conditions. It then offers simplified insights during rounds, giving club recommendations and a quick snapshot of the data – just like a Tour caddie would – so that golfers can make the best on-course decisions. It even warns what to watch for on approach shots, based on miss tendencies from similar previous situations.

The feature-loaded Virtual Coach takes the app to yet another level. While many golf stat apps collect data and then dump it on you to figure out how to apply that to your game, Virtual Coach does the insightful heavy lifting. For instance, it plots putting performance, and uses A.I. to analyze the data and advise specifically what to work on. It displays advice, such as “Work on Approach Shots First” and “You are losing the most strokes on putts from 6-10 ft. Practice this range to improve the fastest.”

Golfers know exactly what to focus on in practice. Because the app also tracks their mistakes, Virtual Coach ‘trends’ plots to quickly see what areas of their game are improving with practice or declining from neglect. Pairing this data with a V1 instructor can further accelerate progress, especially if that teacher is armed with the V1 Coach app for instructors. This companion to V1 Game is a dynamic, data-rich system to help golf instructors and coaches manage their students’ performance data to optimize lesson content, practice plans, course management and scoring habits using the data supplied from V1 Game usage.

THIS TIME, IT’S PERSONAL In the four years since Webster began developing V1 Game with partner Ryan Hebert, he’s personally added 20 yards to his tee shots and cut his handicap by five strokes to below scratch for the first time - all while working two jobs and managing a growing family.

“It provides easy-to-digest data,” says Webster, an engineer by trade who’s now becoming a rising star as a golf tech developer and stats guru. “I didn't want to spend 45 minutes after a round to get to an understanding, so I selfishly built V1 Game to teach me what I did well and poorly, via quick and intuitive feedback. So, now, when I’m standing over a 175-yard shot, Virtual Caddie tells me I tend to miss short and left so I need to take more club and aim right. Easy and actionable. I want golfers to get answers fast and simple. And I’ve learned a ton from our users. I’m constantly in the chat room fielding questions. We take suggestions seriously, and if you have a good idea, we'll try it. If you have a pain point, we work on it. We’ve made many updates this way. We have passionate customers and I leverage them to improve the app for all. We're listening.”

TOUR-PROVEN TECHNOLOGY V1 Game is not just for amateur golfers. LPGA and Symetra Tour pros, including Finkelstein, Marisa Messana, Janet Mao and Vicky Hurst have also begun relying on it. Those tours don’t currently provide Strokes Gained data, so V1 Game is becoming a valuable tool in the hands of its early adapters.

“I love how simple it is,” says Finkelstein. “And I’ve already made a putter change after the app showed how poor my stats are with speed control and 40-foot-plus putts. It’s also showing a positive trend in how my stat tracking from driving and approach shots have drastically improved. That's really cool to see. It's nice to see all of the hard work I put in this offseason starting to pay off.”

Adds Messana: “It’s very helpful for my practice sessions, because I'm all about high performance, knowing myself and my tendencies. V1 Game explicitly says what I need to work on in order to close those performance gaps. People can tell me I’m not making enough birdies, so I therefore need to sink more putts. But really what I learned in V1 Game was that my proximity stats were not where they should be, in order to give myself those birdie opportunities. In other words, it wasn't really my putting, but rather my proximity to the hole on my approaches that I needed to improve. The Strokes Gained insights in V1 Game have already changed my game.”

Strokes Gained is the coveted stat that essentially lets you know how your game compares to other golfers of any skill level you set as a baseline. It helps any golfer. In fact, golfers shooting 100 will likely benefit the most from it because it makes their weaknesses obvious to inform practice sessions.

NEW FEATURES COMING IN HOT

Webster is out to make the V1 Game app even more intuitive. One recent update: As soon a score is entered, the shots graphically populate before one’s eyes. Another fresh feature is Friends Mode, in which golfers and their buddies can link their rounds when they start playing. This allows friends to share a live scorecard between each other and see everyone’s shots tracked on one screen.

V1 Game’s success is another testament to the visionary leadership of V1 Sports CEO Bryan Finnerty, an entrepreneur and former goalkeeper for the Detroit Rockers professional indoor soccer team. Finnerty has led the charge to improve V1 Sports’ technology, sales, service, support and product offerings. New offerings under his guidance include V1 Game, expanding into V1 Baseball, adding the V1 Pressure Mat product and education series. All the while, he’s helped make the V1 Golf and V1 Pro platforms the most commonly used video analysis platforms in golf.

"It’s easy for me to get excited about V1 Sports' vision and the convergence of sports and technology because the root motivation for our work should always be 'Does it make playing the sport more fun?'" he says. "Breaking the four-minute mile. Dunking from the top of the key. The first guy who bent a soccer ball around a wall into a goal. The Pele bicycle kick. I still get chills thinking of all those things because I remember being introduced to them as a kid. Today, with our core products V1 Golf, V1 Golf Plus, V1 Pro and now V1 Game, the market is telling us our vision, to have become more and more consumer-facing over the past five years, truly resonates.”

CONVENIENT PRICING MODEL Par: $1.99/month or $19.99/year – includes 40,000+ golf courses in the V1 Game directory, Accurate GPS Distances, Simple Shot Tracking, Breadcrumbs/Auto Shot Detection

Birdie: $5.99/month or $59.99/year – includes 40,000+ golf courses in the V1 Game directory, Accurate GPS Distances, Simple Shot Tracking, Breadcrumbs/Auto Shot Detection, Strokes Gained Data, DIY Golf Stats

Eagle: $11.99/month or $119.99/year – includes 40,000+ golf courses in the V1 Game directory, Accurate GPS Distances, Simple Shot Tracking, Breadcrumbs/Auto Shot Detection, Strokes Gained Data, DIY Golf Stats, Virtual Coach, Virtual Caddie

V1 Game is a perfect complement to V1’s current line of video analysis software and mobile apps, including the V1 Golf and V1 Pro mobile apps which allow golfers and coaches to conduct online video lessons with advanced feedback including voice-over, telestration and side-by-side swing analysis.

Visit https://v1sports.com/athletes/v1-game-app/ to learn more.

[eirikc-blog]

  This is just going to be a little post about my headcanons for Eirika and Ephraim in Heroes under the cut !! Note that this is heavily based on my interpretation of  the things they say.

  Eirika and Ephraim’s Lv 40 conversation is very interesting, contrasting in one another, but they both seem to be talking about the same thing, which is something that leads me to heavily believe that Eirika and Ephraim in heroes are in fact based in Post-FE8. I want to go over each conversation, from both the Japanese and English translations, which I think did a great job in translating and express my thoughts and analyze them.

Note that I will be using the English translation as a baseline and only bringing up the Japanese text if something seems to be different that holds significant importance.

Eirika:

“Do you think I’ve gotten strong enough? Let me just say that if you’re happy, then I’m happy. When I was a child, my father and brother praised how gentle I was. I value such a quality. But it can be a weakness in the face of oppression or deception. I wish it wasn’t true, but it is. When you need to protect those you must, strength is crucial. Still, I refuse to give up my kindness and compassion. You have helped me stay my course-growing stronger while remaining myself. For that, I thank you and continue to pledge myself to your cause!”

Eirika’s conversation focuses heavily on the idea of being weak, the idea that one who does not want to fight in her situation sometimes must fight for the things she loves, for she knows that she can easily be deceived (ex. giving the demon king the sacred stone in her route) calling such a weakness in the face of deception (although one could say the level of her being naive is present throughout the story, there isn’t a lot of times where she was explicitly deceived, being Orson and Lyon/Formortiis, there could be more but I may be forgetting) people abusing kindhearted people, so she focuses on trying to become stronger, something that is essential to protect the ones that she holds dear and takes pride in remaining herself in the process.

In Ephraim’s support specifically with Eirika, they do have a talk about fighting.

Eirika: It is... I just pray that this fighting will end as swiftly as possible. No one desires this war. So why must it continue? Ephraim: ...Indeed. And yet there is fighting in every generation. In ancient times, our ancestors fought all manner of evil beast. But once the beasts were subdued, man then fought against fellow man... So we learned from Lyon. Eirika: I know... But if men understand the futility of fighting, why do they do it? We could gain so much more by cooperation than by conquest. Ephraim: You may be right... ...But I think... I understand why. Eirika: Why, Brother...? Ephraim: I pray for peace to return to our fair Renais. I know that war brings only sorrow. And yet, somewhere in my heart... There is a lust for battle that cannot be stilled. It screams within me when I clutch this spear... Eirika: Brother... Ephraim: Perhaps it is because I am a man. Perhaps it is because I was raised to fight. I enjoy the practice of my art. I find pleasure in the battle victorious. And the stronger I become... The more strongly the call to arms sounds within my ears. I want to see how great is the skill that I have acquired. It may be crass and low, but I cannot deny it. Eirika: Brother... Ephraim: You would disdain me for this? Eirika: No, I could never... But, Brother, listen. No matter why you fight... Please ensure that this fighting brings good to our people and to our kingdom.

  Talking about fighting as something that is disdainful to the point that she doesn’t understand why people have to fight. Though in heroes she seems to have a better grasp on why she wants to fight, what she is willing to fight for, understanding that even if she would like to talk things out, she understands that things won’t go that way, and therefore is brought to raise her sword. 

Ephraim:

“It seems that I’ve gotten much stronger here. My power has grown almost to overflowing. That isn’t enough. Oh, I don’t mean my strength. I’ve always been capable enough there. I mean that strength isn’t always enough to protect us. Yes, it helps force a foe to submit. But strength can also blind one to others’ feelings. That is exactly how I once lost a good friend. I must become kinder and more compassionate, or else I risk repeating my mistakes. You have those qualities. And so I must remain with you. Then I will learn all I need to. You’ll find that I’m a grateful student…and friend.”

Although I think Ephraim’s translation of his conversation is alright, it less faithful to the original and therefore there’s less resemblance to Eirika’s, but it still brings across the opposite points. Ephraim’s conversation is based on how strength and power isn’t enough to protect people, with the emphasis on growing kinder, to be able to protect the people that he cares about.

Somethings that have changed in the English version are 2 lines that I want to point out.

昔から…俺は強いと皆は褒めてくれた。そのことを誇らしく思っていた。だが、強さでは…守れないものがある。

“ Long ago... I was praised by everyone for my strength. I was proud of it. But, even with strength... there are some things that you can’t protect.” 

It reflects on how Eirika was told about her kindness as a child, how she was praised for it while Ephraim states in the English that “He was always capable enough (in strength).” It shows that they are opposites in the sense of strength vs. kindness and peace, and trying to balance such out, making both strive to become stronger/more kind, something that they were both praised for in the past, and how having too much of one and not the other can be dangerous, both seeming to use Lyon as a reference point for their claims.

The second thing that changed is they seemed to completely cut out the line,

強さは、傲慢さ。

“Strength is arrogance.”

With the rest of the Japanese dialogue following close to the English translation, I think that such a sentence, although short is incredibly powerful. While Eirika talks about being deceived by her naive nature, Ephraim states that strength is arrogance, becoming arrogant to the point that you’re blinded by people who need kindness, and directly relating to Lyon on “That is exactly how I once lost a good friend.” which could be interpreted as a fact that Ephraim seemed to be so busy with his own life, being arrogant blinded him to things that could be happening to the people around him. 

He sees too much strength, or only using strength as a weakness, saying that it’s not enough to be strong, but he has to be kinder to the people around him, be more aware and more compassionate, so that he doesn’t repeat the same mistakes that he once did, and is determined to become the person he strives to be from such experiences.

Eirika and Ephraim show the weakness to both being too compassionate and only caring about strength, and seek to find a balance between them, which could be directly related Lyon and the Demon King, with Eirika being deceived and Ephraim blinded by being wrapped in his own world, and strive to come somewhere in the middle, being almost extremes of both sides, showing that there must be some compromise, and it’s fitting especially being twins, and I think they’re great conversations.

[commedias]

1, 101

random numbers munday meme (currently accepting)  (long post tw)

            1.  who is your favorite muse to rp?  —  i love this question tbh, and i feel like this might come as a shock to some people given that i haven't been using him in threads as much lately (i’m just very selective with who he interacts with and his personality isn’t always the most flexible), but my favorite muse to rp would probably be oh hongbin. however, there is a slight nuance i want to address within how i'm answering this question. i list him as my favorite muse to rp because he's the most thoroughly developed. when i initially conceived hongbin, i never expected the level of depth from him that i ended up with today. as i've mentioned before, i usually start with a very vague framework when creating muses and then let them unfold the more i portray them in threads. in hongbin's case, it was "sugar daddy politician." i went in knowing he had a cool facade as part of his work, but that it didn't fully define him. as for his sugar daddy aspect, i suspected it had to do with a suppressed desire for intimacy that he didn't know how to act upon in a normal way. the more i depicted him, the more i learned the supporting details for these behaviors. i could make a whole description of those motives in an entirely separate post, but i won't get on too much of a tirade. point is, i feel like his psychological motives have developed so interestingly, especially with the role his mother plays into it.

            since most of hongbin's current interactions don't really draw that aspect of his background out of him, i haven't delved into the angst belonging to his backstory as nearly as much as i'd like. i gave a general scope of it in a previous thread, but i really would like to see a weaker side of hongbin where he acknowledges the emotional repercussions of his mother suffering from schizophrenia. one last side note, i really think it has an interesting contrast to one of my other favorite muses (to be technical, second favorite since i actually made a ranking of my muses once), cha sunghyun. the two men have a fascinating juxtaposition to one another. cha sunghyun's trauma has been a central focus of his life and partially responsible for his 'failure' (as he would perceive it) in life. he still holds onto the anger of his past by living in the same house since childhood. even though music was liberating for him at times, his mother's stringent discipline for him to keep practicing made it feel like a prison. remaining as a music professor now has only increased that sense of confinement which causes his explosive episodes. on the other hand, oh hongbin's trauma has been significantly repressed though not entirely in a negative way. i feel that overcome would be the more appropriate word. i suppose some context is necessary to understand, but hongbin's ambition for politics was largely inspired by wanting mental health reform and increased facility funding for his mother. i feel that he saw how much his brothers neglected the problem, placing the mental health stigma upon their mother common among korean families. hongbin learned from their example and it drove him to pursue politics. he's consistently strived towards this goal and given his recent election as governor, has been seeing success.

            you probably didn't want an entire essay devoted to that question, but to quickly conclude, i did want to give a mention to jeon jinki and lim youngjae. even though i love hongbin's overall development as a character, in terms of interacting, jinki and youngjae are the most... "character-esque" per se. i suppose i could have phrased that more eloquently, but i feel like they call for my portrayal skills the most. they have very distinct personalities that contrast my own a great deal. they're also kind of the epitome of fiction for me. not so much that they're unrealistic (although a fallen angel/serial killer/forensics squad member isn't a real-life phenomenon by any means), but that i feel like i'm writing when i reply to their threads rather than merely providing generic dialogue. does that make sense ? i feel like this is much more obvious for jeon jinki than it is lim youngjae, so i'll just briefly ("briefly" lol) explain both of them. jinki has an entirely different psyche from the rest of my muses, since you know the rest of my muses are semi-decent human beings. in comparison, jinki's thoughts and actions definitely require more finesse to write. i feel like i have to insert myself into his character to get a full grasp of how he would behave in the situation. it's very demanding unlike say, kim taeyong or park wooyoung, who represent large factors of my own life, thereby making them easier to depict. for many of my muses, i can draw upon my own experiences to help me form their convictions. with jinki, i have to call upon my own creativity in addition to the literary influence of "crime and punishment" which inspired me to create his character in the first place. i really enjoy explaining the moral crisis he suffers rather than being a conventional murderer with complete and utter bloodlust. i hope people can also appreciate the psychological turmoil in this as well and see the dimension in jinki's character rather than dismissing his duality for simply his good or evil side. as for lim youngjae, he's just so... i definitely perceive him as more of a static character, though i would like to see him develop more depth later on. but his personality is just so goddamn entertaining. it's nowhere near how i would react in situations, but his personality is so prominent in my mind that i can't imagine him any other way. he's truly a joy to write and i feel that he does have some baseline substance to him that supports his behavior as well.

           101. did you ever have to learn something in order to play a character?  —   alright, well.... we're going to have another full-blown essay on our hands if i dive into the topic that i want to. i anticipate it happening, so let me start with the more simple response to this question and then i'll elaborate on a more broad answer. for oh hongbin, i was so captivated by his character that i did a lot of research pertaining to schizophrenia in order to get a better grasp on his mother and how her condition might have affected his childhood. i listened to a lot of schizophrenia simulators on youtube where you hear voices similar to someone suffering that condition. i also kept up with current events and politics a fair deal to develop what i believe his opinions on various matters would be. however, i did have to alter parts of his backstory once i confirmed for overall accuracy with my korean-american friend, richard/minkyu, who i'll discuss more later. for lim moonkyu, i could really use some more pointers to help me learn how to play a single father muse ! although we're estranged, i was raised by a single father, but given that moonkyu's child isn't even a year old, i obviously don't have memories of such a young age to draw upon. and again, i would have been in the role of child rather than parent. i can't imagine what it's like to be a parent, let alone a single father. i really do want to conduct more research from both the perspective of a parent as well as his son, daeul, who's eleven months old, i believe ? don't quote me on that. also i accidentally deleted the second half of this response which was talking about learning how to accurately depict the korean-american experience, using it as a focal point for my characters' development, and how i incorporate my own experience in as an asian-american into them but al;jskflsjd f this is so long and race is a sensitive subject on here anyways so peace out !

[lessonsinkindness-blog]

sweating the small stuff.

More often that not, if I spend more than a couple of hours with one of my close family members, the conversation will eventually turn to our upbringing, and some kind of sense that other people aren't "quite like us". I imagine we are by no means alone in this, nor are we the first people to feel alienated at times by the distance between how we see the world and how those around us seem to.

 It's particularly prevalent for us, I think, because we are a very tight knit family - many of my family literally live around the corner from each other. I grew up being as close to my cousins as I am brothers and sisters, and there have always been an abundance of aunties and uncles on both sides who have had a great influence on the values I have been brought up to hold as important. I've learnt so much more from each and every one of my family members than I could ever articulate in one blog, but I guess something that really shines through it all, is a very high standard of expectation of others' behaviour, the counterweight to which at times has been varying degrees of disappointment when these are not met.

 I think it's very important, whatever your background, not to hold yourself up as some kind of beacon of virtue. As a sociology graduate, and someone who strongly believes in nurture over nature, I am really aware that the way we see the world is very much shaped by social influences such as familial and cultural context, class, gender, age, life experiences - and as such, there are very few things, even if they are things I ardently disagree with, that I would actually argue are objective "wrongs". I never intended this blog to become a way to preach about all of me and my family's virtues, and everyone else's shortcomings. My brother and I actually talk a lot about how sometimes the way we have been brought up - with high emotional intelligence, stronger than typical sensitivity, and conscientiousness - can at times really be a hindrance which has the danger to set the bar immeasurably high for those we interact with.

 That disclaimer out of the way, there are a few basic beliefs I have instilled in me that I find it very hard to compromise on. Probably the most central to my identity is the idea that unless and until someone does you intentional harm, you treat them with a baseline of respect. This might mean being honest and transparent, making an effort to maintain friendships, giving people the benefit of the doubt before assuming the worst, being mindful of how you interact with people, having self-awareness and understanding the impact your own actions could have on that person's wellbeing, placing value on authenticity and connection...any number of things.

 Lately, I find myself coming up against a bit of a brick wall, and I'm in danger of something I didn't want to happen. I'm in danger of becoming cynical. And I think that's to do with the level of reciprocity I am feeling. I don't consider myself a naive person - I've had a lot of life experience for my age, I've been exposed to quite a lot of diversity of lifestyles and value systems, and I make it a point to learn more about things that challenge my thinking (to avoid confirmation bias, always a step worth taking as a lefty liberal!). I haven't lived in a world of rose tinted glasses my whole life and I've seen enough of some really bad behaviour to know that some people just can't (read "won't") change. But for a pessimistic person, I have managed til now to hold up some kind of hope that people fundamentally try hard for the most part to be decent people. Even if their thinking is a little, how shall we say, "creative", even if they don't hold views I would find acceptable - I tend to assume that people are doing the best they can.

 I'm not so sure any more.

 In the last few months, something has changed in me, and although it's something I thought would never benefit my life, I am starting to realise it can be an advantage, if for nothing more than self-preservation. Slowly but surely, I am starting to distance myself from "sweating the small stuff".

 Richard Carlson tells us "it's all small stuff". Hmmmm. I don't know. I'm a great believer that a lot of that "small stuff" adds up to cumulative effect over time - and it's those things that eventually steamroll into the "big stuff" that causes the breakdown of relationships. I also believe that if people took a little more time and effort on the smaller things in life, we'd probably all get a long a bit better.

 But there is something I am starting to realise. You can't change everyone. Some people are just....crap.

You can waste so much energy trying to understand why some people act the way they do. You can make excuse after excuse for why effort isn't reciprocated. You can try to convince yourself they didn't mean to sound self-centred, they didn't mean that joke to sound so harsh, they didn't mean to make me feel that way when they did (or didn't) do X, Y or Z. Sometimes, enough just has to be enough.

 If I had a tally chart of all the hours in my life so far I have spent tying myself up in anxious knots about what this person or that person thinks of me, or what terrible thing will happen to me if I challenge behaviour I don't like, or what awful repercussions there will be if I walk away from one sided relationships, there wouldn't be enough paper in the world - trust me! I always thought I would care about that stuff. I always thought I would live this kind of dampened life squashed down by misplaced guilt about every choice I make. But I have to admit, it's getting a little easier.

 There's a kind of clarity that comes when shit things happen in life. Once you've had your world blown apart by something major, or experienced those minor tremors from other bumps along the way - every time that happens, the one good thing that happens is you lose a little bit of guilt. You start seeing self-care as a prerogative rather than an indulgence, and little by little, stop wasting time on worrying about the things you have little to no control over.

 It doesn't mean people aren't crap any more. It just means that the axis of your world doesn't spin around that fact any more. People will always be crap. So the question is, what do you do about that?

 You start re-balancing things. You don't have to become a hardened shell of the person you once were. You certainly don't have to stop doing all the kind hearted things that make you a good person. It would be such a shame to lose your enthusiasm for life, or belief in people. But maybe you re-direct those qualities to the people who are bouncing them back.

 3 years ago, if I'd have gone home from a day from work and someone spoke to me like a piece of shit on their shoe, I would have spent about an hour feeling angry, and about 10million hours after that fretting about what it is I'm doing (or not doing) to bring out that attitude in someone. Now, I won't lie: I stew on it. But the difference is, I allow myself to be angry, and then I move on quicker. I am also now able to take on a reasonable proportion of responsibility in a given situation - I take a slice, rather than the whole pie!! Yes, maybe I could have changed A or B to make that interaction a little more successful, but you know what? That person is a bit of an idiot, and they're known for speaking down to people. That's not my stuff.

 3 years ago, if someone didn't make an effort with me, I would have thought I'm a boring person, or that I needed to change something to be more likeable. Now I understand that you can be the nicest person in the world, and sometimes you're just not everyone's cup of tea. Situations in life change, and people grow apart. It's not the end of the world. And it doesn't have to be personal. Even if it really feels it sometimes.

 And 3 years ago, if I wasn't spending every waking minute going over 110%, I would have called myself lazy and self-pitying. These days, I recognise sometimes I just need to be nothing, to nobody, all day, and that's how I personally recharge. And it's okay once in a while to take my foot off the gas and just work at 75% capacity. Or even 10% if that's all I can manage. I just do the best I can. And when a guilty thought washes over me, I try to distract myself as quickly as possible with something that makes me feel positive.

 It's such a cliché, but I guess a cliché for a reason. The most valuable thing my counsellor ever taught me was being kind to myself. The question I ask myself (and I hear her gently encouraging voice every time I do this in my head!) is: "if this was a friend, would I say the same?". Would I tell a friend they were lazy if they'd spent all week commuting for 3 hours a day and wanted to spend a day vegging out on the sofa watching TV? Would I tell a friend they were being over sensitive if they were hurt by something someone had said to them? Would I chastise a friend if they made a mistake?

 Or would I tell them to take it easy, forgive themselves, and do what they needed to do to feel calmer?

 Life is full of the "small stuff". Some of it you can see - most of it is invisible, but very real. I don't believe in trivialising day to day frustrations because I know first hand how horrible the day to day grind can get at times. But I would say this. Life really is too short to waste it worrying about what everybody thinks. As long as you can say you have a clean conscience and treat people well, it's okay to let yourself off the hook occasionally. Anxious people are often said to overestimate the emphasis other people place on their actions. How many times have you walked into a party thinking everyone's going to make fun of what you're wearing or think your social skills are rubbish?

 Shall I let you in to a secret?

 They're too busy to notice.

 They're too busy sweating their small stuff.

[bosstoaster]

SHIRO WITH A METAL SKELETON, GO!!!

I’ve been sitting on this one for awhile, Nonny.  It’s Time.

It didn’t take them long to figure out something was different about Shiro.  Only long enough for them to warm up to each other.

The first time was after training.  For the first time, they finally beat a higher level Gladiator, with enough skill and training that Allura had nothing serious to criticize.

Hunk whooped, punching a fist in the air and pulling off his headband to dab at the sweat on his forehead.  “That’s how you do it,” he huffed out, beaming widely.  Reaching out, he snagged Lance around the chest and heaved him up with one arm, both of them laughing.

“Me next!” Pidge called, more than a little mused herself.  She hadn’t been kidding when she said she sweated a lot, it seemed.  So Hunk grabbed her with his other arm, and spun both of them around in a gleeful circle.

Once Lance and Pidge were both set back down, pressed together and giggling, Hunk turned to Keith, arms spread wide.  “Now you.”

For a moment, Keith narrowed his eyes, but then he sighed and spread his own arms, letting Hunk engulf him in a hug that made his spine bend with the pressure.  “Thanks, Hunk,” Keith managed, voice strangled.

“Of course,” Hunk replied back, tone sunny, but there was a hint of mischief to his eyes.  “And then one for our Glorious Leader.”

“You can have all the hugs you want if you don’t call me that.”

Hunk snickered.  “No promises.”  But he wrapped his arms around Shiro’s waist and heaved up to try and pick him off the floor.

Instead, Hunk stumbled back, eyes wide and mouth falling open.  “Shiro, you’re heavy.”

Blinking slowly, Shiro frowned.  He was a larger guy, but he couldn’t be that much heavier than Lance and Pidge combined, and Hunk had only used an arm each.

Then it hit.  “The arm,” he reminded, waving the fingers.  “It’s not very light.”

Hunk’s brows furrowed, and he didn’t look totally happy with the answer, but he nodded.  “Yeah, okay.  Right.  Okay, picking you up was a bad idea.  C’mere.”  He gave Shiro a more sedate hug around the shoulders, then patted his back.  “And now I need a shower.  So does Pidge, or else she’s gunna leave a trail like a slug.”

“At least you’ll be able to find me,” she replied, shrugging without a hint of self-consciousness.

At that it was it for then.

But it wasn’t it.

***

It would come up, now and again.  Shiro would throw a casual arm over Lance’s shoulder, and he’d nearly fall over from it (”you gotta warn a guy, you’re making me swoon, dude”).   He leaned against Keith’s side on the couch and nearly sent them both falling off.  He lost his footing in training and fell onto Pidge, who was near totally pinned by just an arm and a leg over her.

Shiro was worried.  Shiro was terrified, actually, but that kept him from looking into it.  He didn’t want to know.  It was just the arm.  It was just his extra bulk.  Hunk was heavy too, but he was more used to carrying his weight: Shiro had no idea how long he’d had this kind of mass.

Yet it never bothered him to move with, and-

No, it was just the arm.

Until the day in the lab.

“Okay,” Pidge finally declared, holding up a little round, metal disc.  “This should be able to scramble all their computers for long enough for me to get it.”

Impressed, Shiro nodded at the tiny device.  “Okay, how do I activate it.”

That was when Pidge grinned, the toothy, curved look that meant she was particularly pleased with herself.  “That’s the real beauty of it.  Interfacing with the computers without it’s own extra code would be difficult.  But we don’t need to!  It has magnetic base, and that’ll attack it to the back of your metal hand.  When you log in, it’ll use that to send a signal and connect.  Easy!”

Okay, that was pretty clever.  “Well done,” Shiro murmured, and Pidge’s cheeks went just faintly pink, but she nodded happily, accepting the praise.  “Does it need testing?”

“A round of it would be a good idea,” Pidge allowed. “If that’s okay with you.”  She was already moving around him, though, and the hand with the device idly rested on Shiro’s left shoulder to keep her balance.

There was instant pressure, and Shiro grunted from surprise.

Pidge paused.  She took her hand away, and the puck-like magnet didn’t move.  When she tried to wrap her fingers around it and pull, her hand just slipped away.

“Shiro,” she asked carefully.  “Do you have an implant here?”

“Not that I remember,” he answered, and he couldn’t keep his voice from shaking.  “Can you- here, let me…”  He reached back with his Galra hand, and only by letting it stick to his palm there did it finally pull free.

Why did-?  How could-?  What had-?

“I think I need to talk to Coran,” Shiro finally.  He stood on shaky feet, and Pidge latched onto his arm, trying to keep him steady.

They were silent as the walked.

***

“Keep in mind that I still don’t have a proper baseline for your species,” Coran reminded, and he wheeled over some large device to the table Shiro was laying over.  Pidge held onto his hand with a stubborn persistence.

“That’s fine, Coran, we just want to get an idea.  And Pidge, you don’t have to sta-”

“Shut up.  Yes, I do.”  Pidge glared at him, eyes flashing, and Shiro subsided with a nod.

Coran glanced between them both, then nodded.  “Alright, give me just two ticks.” The device looked almost like the lights from the dentists office, other than that it wasn’t absolutely blinding as he ran from Shiro’s head down to his feet.  “There we are, and we’ll give it a moment to compile that all.  Have you been feeling alright, Number One?”

“Same as since I escaped,” Shiro replied, which was the really terrifying thing.

Pulling up the hologram projection, Coran sat down on Shiro’s other side, then tugged forward what looked like a silhouette of Shiro’s form.  “Now, what kind of metals could we normal expect in a human body?”

Shiro paused, considering.  “Our blood contains a lot. But it’s small amounts, so nothing that could cause a magnet to stick.”

“And there’s stuff like fluoride in bones.  But these are all micro and macro level stuff. Not enough to really show.”  Pidge frowned.  “How much did you find?”

For a moment, Coran hesitated. 

Shiro’s stomach plummeted.

“I’m going to assume this isn’t typical then, correct?”  Coran pressed a button on his pad, and the pale silhouette suddenly had a skeletal structure, shining in bright blue lights.  “This is where we detected significant amounts of metal. The brighter it is, there more there was.”

It was shining like a penlight.

Shiro’s entire bone structure, with the exception of his head, was totally metal. 

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Pidge let out, her mouth falling open.  Shiro could see her mind going behind her eyes, making connections terrifyingly fast.

So was Shiro.

Because it was just supposed to be the arm.  There was his hair yes, and the scars, but those were external, those were injuries.  How could Haggar even do that?  Had she cut him open and changed his bones, had she made what was already there metal?  Was that possible?  How could that possibly work, how deeply had she gotten her claws inside his body, what else was artificial what was left of him that was real?  Was this even his body?  What parts of him were still Shiro?

Distantly, he heard Coran trying to speak with him, heard Pidge turn on the comms and start asking for help, but it barely registered. The magnitude of the revelation crowded out everything else, even when more voices started to talk to him.  

A hand rested on his arm and Shiro yanked it away, heart pounding.

No, they shouldn’t touch him.  They should touch him who knew what he was?  Who know what Haggar had done, what kind of monster he was under his skin. That’s what Haggar did, she made monsters, tore them apart and remade them as she wished into killers, into machines, Shiro was one of her machines.  

He had to see. Shiro had to know it was true, had to know how deeply Haggar and ruined him.  Had to know if he was-

The beast screeched as it was held in place by metal bands.  Shiro winced, because he’d made noises not too different from that before, held down the same way.  Not for the same thing, not yet.  Not yet.

Haggar raised her hands, and it crackled with energy.  The beast screamed again, fought to be free, but eventually sent still.  Instead, a machine across the room lit up and began to stir.

Later that day, Shiro was shoved into a room with that beast and told to survive, if you are worthy of me, Champion.

He did. 

Shiro had to know.  

Reaching out suddenly, he grabbed hold of one of the small knives on the table, used for cutting bandages or opening packages.

Instead, Shiro brought it to his finger and sliced.

Vaguely, he heard the voices around him get louder and terrified, but it was all so distant compared to the gush of hot, red blood over his hand.

And more importantly, the glint of dark silver against the tip of the knife, barely visible through the blood.

That was when Shiro passed out.

***

When Shiro woke up, his finger was bandaged and he was in his room.

A quick glance around proved that whoever had brought him here had also removed anything sharp.

Guess he couldn’t argue with that.

Slowly, he sat up and stared at his hands.  One looked normal, the other the weapon the Galra had attached to him.

The signs had been there.  His weight, for one, but what he could take now, too.  The fight with Sendak suddenly made much more sense, how the electric shock had hurt him but taking direct hits on the arm had barely phased him.

He was a robeast.

Mechanically - no, that implied some part of him wasn’t mechanical, it he always mechanically moving now, Shiro was not in his body - he stumbled through his room and into the castle.

It was late.  But what did it matter?  Did Shiro need sleep anymore? He was tired, but he was able to survive. He probably didn’t need it, just craved it as part of his attempts to look human again, to look like he wasn’t a monster.

On autopilot - oh, wasn’t that appropriate - Shiro arrived at the Black Lion’s hanger.  She towered above him, huge and quiet.

Did the lion know what had been inside her cockpit?

The eyes lit and the head dipped, letting him in as he stepped forward.  

“I need to go,” he admitted. “And then I need you to come back without me.”

All he got was a mental scoff.

“I’m serious,” Shiro replied, shoving desperation down the connection.  He couldn’t stay here.  He had to go.

There was a feeling like a gust of wind along the back of his neck, making him shiver and pause.  It took him a moment to realize it was a sigh.

Behind his eyes, the image of the Black Lion without the planting or wiring flashed.  A metal skeleton.

A metal skeleton.

You are not what Haggar made you.  You are mine.  Not beast, but lion.  You may be heavy, but you are light compared to me.  You will stay, Paladin.

It was disconcerting, to get something so close to words from the lion.  Shiro slumped in the seat, staring at the blank displays.

Lion.  He was like the lions.  They were mechanical, yes, but they were alive.  They fought.  They did what they wanted, regardless of original intent, and bonded with who matched them.

You are not a weapon.  You hold a weapon.  You are a lion with teeth and claws.  You may use them as you please. 

Tears filled Shiro’s eyes, then dripped down his cheeks and splashed onto his lap.

There was something comforting about the fact that he could still cry.

I will, Shiro replied, through the same understanding the Black Lion sent to him.  I will use this.

After all, there were a lot of uses for having a reinforced skeleton when it came to protecting his team.

Closing his eyes, Shiro curled up on the chair, making himself small.  The tears spilled past his lids, and Shiro didn’t fight them.

He didn’t sleep.  He wasn’t sure he needed to.

But he rested, and that was what Shiro needed.

[onelightpoint-blog]

The Force, Lightsabers, the Light Side, and Yoda (also DBT) A Discussion in 2 Parts

I’m watching the 3rd part of Mr. Plinkett’s review of Attack of the Clones, and he made a point that I think sums up everything I think went horribly wrong with the Star Wars cosmology, starting in 1999.

Quote:

‘Yoda was so magical and interesting because you didn’t expect this little tiny creature to be a Jedi Master. We all had a preconception that a ‘great warrior’ would be someone physically strong and intimidating. By making Yoda a little guy, they were illustrating that the Force is something beyond the physical. But by showing Yoda fight with a lightsaber, it ruins all that because it takes that concept and those rules and throws it in the dumpster.’

Further...’Making Yoda fight contradicts the entire mythology of the movie.’ 

Luke: I’m looking for a great warrior. 

Yoda: Wars do not make one great.

I think that this almost perfectly encapsulates why I think that the prequels fucked up both the Jedi and the Light Side. 

I’ve mentioned this in passing before, but the way that the Jedi and the Light Side were portrayed in the Original Trilogy differs greatly from the way they are in the Prequel Trilogy and almost ALL resulting spin-off work. It’s so dramatic that it nearly killed off all of my Light Side Feels. 

Say it with me: 

Tranquility is NOT a lack of emotion. You CANNOT be at peace by denying your emotions and feelings, even the ‘bad’ ones. That is not true peace. It is DISASSOCIATION and it’s an extreme way to deal with trauma. 

There is NO SUCH THING as a ‘bad’ emotion. People get angry, they get irritated, they get snarky and bitchy and sad. Even YODA gets snarky. And sad. Hoooooo boy is he sad. Rewatch that scene while he’s waiting for Luke to come out of the Dark Side cave. That is the definition of SAD.

Furthermore, in the Empire Strikes Back, there is NOTHING to suggest that being a Jedi involves divorcing yourself from all emotion. The Light Side flowed from peace and acceptance of the will of the Force. Jedi walked with the Force. The Light Side was most definitely not blank, sterile, utilitarian, or passionless. Because FOR FUCK’S SAKE JOY is an emotion. Happiness is an emotion. Calm is an emotion. Peace, in a certain sense of the word, is ALSO an emotion. ‘I feel...at peace.’ Like, HELLO THERE.

Also, note the symbolism of having Yoda hide out in a swamp teeming with life (and green soup) versus Vader on the Executor, the pinnacle of slick Imperial engineering. The Light Side was about being a part of something larger than yourself, part of the fabric of the universe. Part of LIFE. Vader literally needs technology to keep breathing. SYMBOLISM.

But I digress. I say that totally divorcing yourself from ALL emotion is how truly horrible things happen. This explain a couple things I saw in TCW...Like Anakin and Obi-Wan mind-torturing Cad Bane. 

Not cool, guys.

And for the love of GOD teaching someone not to act on their anger is not the same as teaching them to slice off their emotional side. It just tells them to manage their emotions in a healthy way. The Light Side was about Connection With the Universe and the wonders of the natural world. Cosmic Joy. That means acceptance. And it is only through that acceptance, and Luke acknowledging but not acting on his anger that his father is saved and the Light Side wins. By Luke not fighting. He won by doing the EXACT OPPOSITE of what the Jedi did in Episodes 1 - 3. Also: The Power of Love...which isn’t exactly an emotion. But that’s another story.

...

...Ok, I’m going to get a little...real here and talk about mental health.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy, specifically. There’s more behind the read more, and me linking some stuff together.

...To quote the linked site: 

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) treatment is a cognitive-behavioral approach that emphasizes the psychosocial aspects of treatment. The theory behind the approach is that some people are prone to react in a more intense and out-of-the-ordinary manner toward certain emotional situations, primarily those found in romantic, family and friend relationships. DBT theory suggests that some people’s arousal levels in such situations can increase far more quickly than the average person’s, attain a higher level of emotional stimulation, and take a significant amount of time to return to baseline arousal levels.

People who are sometimes diagnosed with borderline personality disorder experience extreme swings in their emotions, see the world in black-and-white shades, and seem to always be jumping from one crisis to another. Because few people understand such reactions — most of all their own family and a childhood that emphasized invalidation — they don’t have any methods for coping with these sudden, intense surges of emotion. DBT is a method for teaching skills that will help in this task.

More:

Characteristics of DBT:

Support-oriented: It helps a person identify their strengths and builds on them so that the person can feel better about him/herself and their life.

Cognitive-based: DBT helps identify thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions that make life harder: “I have to be perfect at everything.” “If I get angry, I’m a terrible person” & helps people to learn different ways of thinking that will make life more bearable: “I don’t need to be perfect at things for people to care about me”, “Everyone gets angry, it’s a normal emotion.

Collaborative: It requires constant attention to relationships between clients and staff. In DBT people are encouraged to work out problems in their relationships with their therapist and the therapists to do the same with them. DBT asks people to complete homework assignments, to role-play new ways of interacting with others, and to practice skills such as soothing yourself when upset.

I have it on very good authority that this is very, very difficult. Someone I am very close to was in it for almost 2 years. It involved weekly sessions, a giant binder of notes and thought exercises, regular practice, and a fuckton of both discipline and patience for both her and the therapists. 

And it helped her. It didn’t magically erase the emotional issues, because it can’t, and it’s not supposed to. The driving concept is ‘mindfulness,’ which (to grossly over-simplify) involves centering yourself in the moment, acknowledging that emotions happen and that you are allowed to feel them, and to let them go. Upset? Angry? Being upset and angry is natural. But how does it affect you, and what do you do with it? 

Yeah...Sorry, but I have feelings about feelings. Being told that it’s OK to feel is pretty much the best thing.

...

...So Yoda and Obi-Wan telling Luke not to give in to hate and anger and fear is not the same as telling him not to feel those things at all. 

Furthermore, according to Yoda himself, Jedi use the Force for protection and defense, never for attack. They had lightsabers because they were sentinels. Some of them. After seeing Yoda, I thought that a Jedi actually fighting was pretty rare.

Mr. Plinkett brings this up to. To paraphrase:

Yoda doesn’t  teach Luke how to use a lightsaber. Apparently other things were more important.

Things like meditation, connecting with the Force, and learning to move in the Force (Force-assisted tree-climbing, jumping). Becoming one with it, in a way.

Also...Yoda and Obi-Wan told him to FACE Vader again. To CONFRONT him.

THEY DID NOT SAY KILL. Luke said that. 

Luke: I can’t kill my own father. 

Obi-Wan: ...then the Emperor has already won. You were our only hope. 

...

I don’t exactly consider that an endorsement of Killing Vader. At least I really, really hope it wasn’t. I think it’s Obi-Wan being mystical and evasive again. It’s setting Luke up to make his own decision, to go all-in. Telling Luke that he needed to do that wouldn’t have worked. It would have been too much like a checklist, or a spell. 

‘Insert self-sacrifice here’. Nope. Wouldn’t have worked.

Then again, if they WERE...It would also mean JUST HOW FUCKED UP THE PT JEDI WERE.

Luke...wasn’t.

And Anakin saw that. He saw Luke refuse to kill him through unconditional love, not because Luke thought it would win him back to the Light Side. Though Luke knew that it might mean the total destruction of the Jedi Order, and possibly the Rebel Alliance. Everything he ever cared about. 

We know what happens next.

OK, end of Part 1 of this beast of a sort-of essay. This is getting too long and I need to address this and the Dark Side. 

TBC (soon)

[kffandom]

Do you have any Widowmaker & Mercy thoughts or any Widowmaker & Reaper thoughts you've had on your mind that you'd like to share?

sorry this has taken so long to answer! i really hadn’t thought too much about widowmaker and mercy interacting so i’ve been taking my sweet time on this lol (also sorry for the bulleted list instead of any actual narrative, i couldn’t really think of anything cohesive for both types of interactions but i had plenty for each and blech. blech i’m sorry i hope it’s alright)  

reaper is the one who decides to cut ties with talon, and half as a ‘fuck u guys’ and half as a ‘ok i’m a LITTLE fond of this one’ he basically kidnapped widowmaker since they had invested a lot of resources into her development/programming 

widowmaker, when he had the help of one of her “programmers” (who was a weird boy-man reaper doesn’t really know who ‘fell in love with her’ and ‘wanted her to be free so they could be together for REAL’ #creepy), was easy enough to knock out with one of her ‘trigger phrases’ (which reaper made sure to receive a comprehensive list of before making any moves to take her). creepy boy-man tried to tag along but reaper kicked him out of the van and locked the doors before they even got moving 

(i don’t know why anytime i talk about talon agents going anywhere they use vans but. there ya go.) 

she wakes up halfway through the van ride and sorta just. goes with it. reaper has no idea if this is still an effect of using one of her triggers or what, but. it makes the drive easier 

reaper says, shortly before they arrive, “i know they’re annoying. but they’ll help you.” 

“i don’t need help.” 

“whatever. they’ll be better bosses than talon at least.” 

(in the past, when i’ve written widowmaker, i’ve gone the “oh she’s loyal to talon and that’s what overwatch needs to overcome, but here, since seeing the comic where she remembered and appeared to still give somewhat of a shit about gerard, here’s what i’m thinking: 

we have amelie. nice enough amelie, who’s caught up in the mess that is #overwatch. who talon is spending a lot of money on, but who won’t. stop. crying. 

they don’t have complete brainwashing, you know. like they can do a lot, but if they want her to still be useful, they can’t do what they normally would. 

so they do some #BadMedicine. they go into her brain and they start chopping. 

what if widowmaker wasn’t created with programming (though it had a hand in them using her, later, in controlling her) but with them just. cutting out any parts that made her care. 

she still has all of her memories, but they took away her will and ability to give a shit. they didn’t even really change her personality--amelie was a sarcastic and harsh woman, but she had a huge heart and while her advice was gruff and along the lines of “you fucked up, now you have to fix it” she was genuinely invested in people’s problems and cared a lot 

but after they mutilated her brain, she just. basically did what she was told. she wouldn’t even eat without someone telling her she should once they messed with her biology enough to not recognize hunger or discomfort. 

so aka: that’s how you get someone fundamentally twisted from their origin with the least amount of effort and the least amount of actual change but with absolutely detrimental effects with my ~fake science~ nonsense lol. (listen they still have BS reasons for her being blue so i can ~fake science~ my way outta her backstory if i fucking want to) ) 

so anyway. reaper basically spends about a week figuring out which base mercy is at, and drops widowmaker off (kicks her out of the still-moving van) with the information he has on how talon “made” her, and gets the fuck out of there. just because he hates talon now too doesn’t mean he wants to be all buddy-buddy with overwatch now

they’re all unnerved by how widowmaker just. doesn’t do anything. like she snarks at them, and flirt-mocks lena, but otherwise, she’s very amenable. mercy asks her to join her in the infirmary, and she follows. mercy asks her to disrobe and put on a patient gown, and she does. mercy runs a barrage of tests, and she sits through them. 

at the end of it, mercy says, “well, i won’t be able to do much until i look at those documents you brought with you, but the baseline was needed before i was biased by anything i saw. is there anything bothering you that you’d like me to address? any injuries or hurts?” 

widowmaker snorts and doesn’t deign to answer her. 

“well, you will be staying here tonight. i’m sure someone will be around to keep an eye on you, but feel free to get some rest.” 

mercy then spends a long evening in her office-ish area (it’s a corner of the infirmary with a curtain around it and a rickety desk winston carried in for her, but it does its job well enough) going through these files. trying to fill in the blanks and create a map of what exactly they fucked up with her 

and around 5AM, she leans back and has to do some thinking. because amelie didn’t agree to these surgeries (obviously) and now she could be trying to undo what they’ve done, through multiple surgeries, without widowmaker’s permission. she thinks and thinks and tries to figure out if she should even bring it up with widowmaker if there’s a chance of her refusing 

because it’s barbaric, what they’ve done to her, but widowmaker might prefer not caring, or she might not view it as poorly as mercy does. or she might not be able to give an answer at all, because she can’t care about anything. 

it’s very, very tempting to just. do it. to just knock her out the minute she wakes up and go and /fix/ it

 (ignoring the fact that she isn’t 100% sure she can fix everything, that talon’s done some horrible, horrible things that even with her nanotech and her skills might not be reversible--she doesn’t think she could possibly make it worse, but. it’s been long enough that her brain has adapted and has learned how to function without the parts it had had, it has a level of plasticity that is normally only found in children, which on one hand means it could be easier to fix the damage, or it could be easier to ruin it more.) 

(she thinks and thinks and thinks and eventually, she carefully puts the files away and goes back to her room where she starts digging through her own old files. 

the one for shimada, genji, still haunts her. he has never said anything, has always seemed grateful, but it’s the patient that later made her realize how disconnected she became from the people she was helping. she feels tremendous guilt, and shame, and horror over the choices she made in regards to shimada, genji.  

it’s a reminder she needed, and she takes a deep breath, and she returns to the infirmary.) 

“widowmaker, let me talk to you about what the files you brought with me mean,” she says carefully. widowmaker is propped up in one of the infirmary cots and looking at her, unimpressed. mercy spreads out the files carefully and starts pointing out pictures and how things tie together

“you’re basically saying that they have mutilated my brain and you wish to fix it, correct?” she asks slowly. “will.... ‘fixing’ it make me more efficient?” 

mercy says, honestly, “i don’t know. it depends on how you define efficient.” 

“efficient for this organization’s purposes.” 

“for our purposes?” mercy asks, surprised. “on one hand, no, it won’t make you more efficient. you’ll probably question us and question what missions we want you to take, and you’ll most likely doubt yourself. 

“on the other hand, you’ll fit into our team better and begin to heal, and it would be a morale boost, which would, in turn cause the others to improve their abilities, i imagine.” 

“you’ll do as you wish, regardless,” widowmaker says blandly. 

“i want to know what you think,” she persists. “do you think this is a course of action that will be beneficial to you? as an individual?” 

“for your morals? most likely. for the purposes and uses i’ve been created for? no.” 

they go around in circles for much longer, but eventually mercy says, loudly, “if we are asking me as a doctor, i believe these surgeries attempting to reconstruct the parts of your brain that have been harmed would be the best course of action. do you or do you not consent to the treatment?” 

widowmaker stares at her for a long moment. tilts her head and stares a little longer. eventually shrugs and says, “i do.” 

(and that’s the beginning of widowmaker becoming something more than just an assassin.) 

[riichardwilson]

The right way to hire an SEO

The stakes for hiring an SEO Company are high. The right person can help put your business on a path toward significant organic visibility and revenue growth. Yet, the wrong person could have little impact — or worse, reverse your existing organic visibility and revenue.

Between a lack of familiarity with the disciplines involved in SEO Company and inexperience in hiring for SEO Company roles, it’s easy for businesses to make hiring mistakes. If you’re looking to hire an SEO Company, here’s what professionals with years of experience have learned about how to prepare, where to look and how to vet successful SEO Company candidates.

Before starting your talent search

“Too many companies hire an SEO Company without knowing which SEO Company skills they need in their core competencies,” said Jessica Bowman, founder and CEO of in-house training and consulting firm SEO Companyinhouse.com, adding, “Some sites struggle with technical SEO Company, and if that’s the case this is what you need.”

SEO Company spans numerous disciplines, such as technical, content, analytics, link building and so on. Identifying which areas of your site need the most attention can help you make better hiring decisions. In addition to knowing what’s holding your site’s rankings back, you should also be aware of what’s holding back your SEO Company efforts at an organizational level, Bowman says.

“One of my clients realized they needed someone who could navigate their organization, build relationships and keep investigating until they found who to work with,” Bowman said. “When it came time to hire, I interviewed candidates for technical SEO Company skills because they were a complex enterprise-level website with a lot of problems. In the end, they hired someone who had the ability to navigate the organization, but lacked the technical skills …  In this organization, their greatest need was a core competency to manage SEO Company operationally.”

Download the Periodic Table of SEO Factors

For businesses that are new to SEO Company, it can be difficult to determine what the hiring priorities should be. “I would strongly encourage companies to either hire an anchor SEO Company to let that person advise them on how to build out an SEO Company program,” said Dana Tan, senior manager of global SEO Company for sporting apparel brand Under Armour, “or hire a consultant that can help them navigate the hiring process and guide them on how to find the right person for what they are trying to accomplish.”

Finding viable SEO candidates

Once you know what skills your organization needs, the next step is to entice the right person for the job.

Create an attractive, descriptive job listing. Your job description should be treated as a piece of marketing agency collateral advertising your company. It should be written with a target audience or persona in mind, speak to their needs and show off the advantages of working for your organization.

“Because different SEO Companys inherently have different skills, our hiring needs are often dynamic, and we modify job descriptions and even job titles,” said Lily Ray, director of SEO Company at digital marketing agency agency Path Interactive, who sets a baseline of expectations for each role within her department but also adjusts job listings to reflect what her agency is looking for at the time.

Researching how other companies are conveying duties, qualifications and responsibilities can also help you compose your job listing. “I especially study the SEO Company job postings from companies with known ‘best-in-class’ SEO Company programs,” Tan said. 

“Ensure you’re writing a description for someone with political savvy and the ability to present and communicate with executives and other teams,” Bowman recommended. Whether you’re hiring to fill an agency position or looking for an in-house SEO Company, the candidate must be able to effectively communicate what they’re doing and why it’s valuable to stakeholders. “Otherwise you may get an amazing SEO Company in terms of knowing what needs to be done, but they cannot represent SEO Company well throughout the organization,” she said.

Know where to look. “I went to conferences and talked to people at lunches, at after-parties, etc.,” Tan said, “I built a network of people, including colleagues and co-workers — I still reach out to that group when I am hiring for a new role.” Your professional network can be a good place to source candidates with a proven track record.

“I’m hearing people talk more about LinkedIn job postings, so make sure you look there,” Bowman said. “Also, recruiters should consider reaching out to SEO Companys that they think might be a good fit… they may not be considering a leap, but for the right job they might,” she added.

How to screen an SEO candidate

“It can be difficult to know an SEO Company professional’s real chops from the interview alone,” said Ray, pointing out that it can take months of working together to realize that you may have made a hiring mistake. 

Interviewers can’t be SEO Company ignorant. “Furthermore, SEO Company candidates may do a good job of reciting ‘SEO Company trivia’ during an interview, such as having memorized the names of algorithm updates or listing off new Google features; but this alone doesn’t indicate that they will do a good job communicating with clients, problem-solving, developing the right strategies, knowing how to make sense out of the data, or being able to focus on clients’ most important goals and objectives,” Ray said.

Interviewers have to be knowledgeable and be able to thoroughly assess candidates’ responses. If you don’t have those skills in-house, look at bringing on someone who is to help with the vetting process.

Communication is as important as what’s being communicated. “I’m a huge fan of Bradford Smart’s 4-hour interview process,” Bowman said, noting that the entire interview does not need to be conducted all at once nor by the same person. “The key is that you ask questions that reveal patterns in their behavior,” she said, adding, “I may also show mockups and ask them to tell me the SEO Company requirements — of course, you need to know what they should be so that you can tell if they are missing anything.”

In addition to answering knowledge-based questions, you can also have candidates explain case studies of work they’ve performed in the past and ask to see deliverables they’ve created. “Using this approach, I have received deliverables ridden with spelling and grammatical errors from otherwise seemingly qualified candidates, whose resumes did not contain these types of errors. The more information you can get your hands on about the candidate’s approach to SEO Company, the better,” Ray said.

“I am rarely looking for any specific answers; I am more interested in what that individual comes up with on their own, and how effectively they communicate a plan,” said Tan, who also recommends that employers assess how effective potential employees are at communicating the value their work carries for the business.

“Many SEO Companys just haven’t mastered the ability to present well and write with an executive/authoritative tone for a corporate environment,” Bowman said. “In the end, this keeps the SEO Company team stifled in the organization rather than rising to gain visibility with other departments and garner their respect — both are vital for SEO Company success because at the end of the day, the SEO team directly moves very few levers that will actually improve SEO Company.”

Demonstrating skills. Tan also creates a “homework assignment” related to the specific role she’s looking to fill.

Including a skills demonstration component in your interview process can provide candidates with the opportunity to distinguish themselves and save your organization from unnecessary churn, but it’s important to keep requests appropriate for the hiring process.   “I’m seeing a lot of interviewees being asked to audit the site, though it’s controversial because sometimes it feels like a company is asking for a free audit,” said Bowman, who recommends that if your organization goes this route, to pay attention to how well the candidate organizes their points and communicates SEO Company requirements in addition to their site recommendations.

The “X” factor

“It’s more important that the individual has a strong work ethic, an ability to problem solve and think critically, good communication skills, and a passion for what they do,” Ray said.

Her stance was also echoed by Tan, who listed a natural love for puzzle solving, creative thinking and a high tolerance for change as some of her top considerations when hiring for an SEO Company role.

“Some of our best professionals started at our agency as eager interns with barely any exposure to the SEO Company industry, but because of their innate curiosity and insatiable desire to experiment and learn new things, they have become some of the strongest members of our team in just a few years,” Ray added.

About The Author

George Nguyen is an Associate Editor at Third Door Media. His background is in content marketing agency, journalism, and storytelling.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/the-right-way-to-hire-an-seo/ source https://scpie.tumblr.com/post/614771495127990272

[laurelkrugerr]

The right way to hire an SEO

The stakes for hiring an SEO Company are high. The right person can help put your business on a path toward significant organic visibility and revenue growth. Yet, the wrong person could have little impact — or worse, reverse your existing organic visibility and revenue.

Between a lack of familiarity with the disciplines involved in SEO Company and inexperience in hiring for SEO Company roles, it’s easy for businesses to make hiring mistakes. If you’re looking to hire an SEO Company, here’s what professionals with years of experience have learned about how to prepare, where to look and how to vet successful SEO Company candidates.

Before starting your talent search

“Too many companies hire an SEO Company without knowing which SEO Company skills they need in their core competencies,” said Jessica Bowman, founder and CEO of in-house training and consulting firm SEO Companyinhouse.com, adding, “Some sites struggle with technical SEO Company, and if that’s the case this is what you need.”

SEO Company spans numerous disciplines, such as technical, content, analytics, link building and so on. Identifying which areas of your site need the most attention can help you make better hiring decisions. In addition to knowing what’s holding your site’s rankings back, you should also be aware of what’s holding back your SEO Company efforts at an organizational level, Bowman says.

“One of my clients realized they needed someone who could navigate their organization, build relationships and keep investigating until they found who to work with,” Bowman said. “When it came time to hire, I interviewed candidates for technical SEO Company skills because they were a complex enterprise-level website with a lot of problems. In the end, they hired someone who had the ability to navigate the organization, but lacked the technical skills . . .  In this organization, their greatest need was a core competency to manage SEO Company operationally.”

Download the Periodic Table of SEO Factors

For businesses that are new to SEO Company, it can be difficult to determine what the hiring priorities should be. “I would strongly encourage companies to either hire an anchor SEO Company to let that person advise them on how to build out an SEO Company program,” said Dana Tan, senior manager of global SEO Company for sporting apparel brand Under Armour, “or hire a consultant that can help them navigate the hiring process and guide them on how to find the right person for what they are trying to accomplish.”

Finding viable SEO candidates

Once you know what skills your organization needs, the next step is to entice the right person for the job.

Create an attractive, descriptive job listing. Your job description should be treated as a piece of marketing agency collateral advertising your company. It should be written with a target audience or persona in mind, speak to their needs and show off the advantages of working for your organization.

“Because different SEO Companys inherently have different skills, our hiring needs are often dynamic, and we modify job descriptions and even job titles,” said Lily Ray, director of SEO Company at digital marketing agency agency Path Interactive, who sets a baseline of expectations for each role within her department but also adjusts job listings to reflect what her agency is looking for at the time.

Researching how other companies are conveying duties, qualifications and responsibilities can also help you compose your job listing. “I especially study the SEO Company job postings from companies with known ‘best-in-class’ SEO Company programs,” Tan said. 

“Ensure you’re writing a description for someone with political savvy and the ability to present and communicate with executives and other teams,” Bowman recommended. Whether you’re hiring to fill an agency position or looking for an in-house SEO Company, the candidate must be able to effectively communicate what they’re doing and why it’s valuable to stakeholders. “Otherwise you may get an amazing SEO Company in terms of knowing what needs to be done, but they cannot represent SEO Company well throughout the organization,” she said.

Know where to look. “I went to conferences and talked to people at lunches, at after-parties, etc.,” Tan said, “I built a network of people, including colleagues and co-workers — I still reach out to that group when I am hiring for a new role.” Your professional network can be a good place to source candidates with a proven track record.

“I’m hearing people talk more about LinkedIn job postings, so make sure you look there,” Bowman said. “Also, recruiters should consider reaching out to SEO Companys that they think might be a good fit… they may not be considering a leap, but for the right job they might,” she added.

How to screen an SEO candidate

“It can be difficult to know an SEO Company professional’s real chops from the interview alone,” said Ray, pointing out that it can take months of working together to realize that you may have made a hiring mistake. 

Interviewers can’t be SEO Company ignorant. “Furthermore, SEO Company candidates may do a good job of reciting ‘SEO Company trivia’ during an interview, such as having memorized the names of algorithm updates or listing off new Google features; but this alone doesn’t indicate that they will do a good job communicating with clients, problem-solving, developing the right strategies, knowing how to make sense out of the data, or being able to focus on clients’ most important goals and objectives,” Ray said.

Interviewers have to be knowledgeable and be able to thoroughly assess candidates’ responses. If you don’t have those skills in-house, look at bringing on someone who is to help with the vetting process.

Communication is as important as what’s being communicated. “I’m a huge fan of Bradford Smart’s 4-hour interview process,” Bowman said, noting that the entire interview does not need to be conducted all at once nor by the same person. “The key is that you ask questions that reveal patterns in their behavior,” she said, adding, “I may also show mockups and ask them to tell me the SEO Company requirements — of course, you need to know what they should be so that you can tell if they are missing anything.”

In addition to answering knowledge-based questions, you can also have candidates explain case studies of work they’ve performed in the past and ask to see deliverables they’ve created. “Using this approach, I have received deliverables ridden with spelling and grammatical errors from otherwise seemingly qualified candidates, whose resumes did not contain these types of errors. The more information you can get your hands on about the candidate’s approach to SEO Company, the better,” Ray said.

“I am rarely looking for any specific answers; I am more interested in what that individual comes up with on their own, and how effectively they communicate a plan,” said Tan, who also recommends that employers assess how effective potential employees are at communicating the value their work carries for the business.

“Many SEO Companys just haven’t mastered the ability to present well and write with an executive/authoritative tone for a corporate environment,” Bowman said. “In the end, this keeps the SEO Company team stifled in the organization rather than rising to gain visibility with other departments and garner their respect — both are vital for SEO Company success because at the end of the day, the SEO team directly moves very few levers that will actually improve SEO Company.”

Demonstrating skills. Tan also creates a “homework assignment” related to the specific role she’s looking to fill.

Including a skills demonstration component in your interview process can provide candidates with the opportunity to distinguish themselves and save your organization from unnecessary churn, but it’s important to keep requests appropriate for the hiring process.   “I’m seeing a lot of interviewees being asked to audit the site, though it’s controversial because sometimes it feels like a company is asking for a free audit,” said Bowman, who recommends that if your organization goes this route, to pay attention to how well the candidate organizes their points and communicates SEO Company requirements in addition to their site recommendations.

The “X” factor

“It’s more important that the individual has a strong work ethic, an ability to problem solve and think critically, good communication skills, and a passion for what they do,” Ray said.

Her stance was also echoed by Tan, who listed a natural love for puzzle solving, creative thinking and a high tolerance for change as some of her top considerations when hiring for an SEO Company role.

“Some of our best professionals started at our agency as eager interns with barely any exposure to the SEO Company industry, but because of their innate curiosity and insatiable desire to experiment and learn new things, they have become some of the strongest members of our team in just a few years,” Ray added.

About The Author

George Nguyen is an Associate Editor at Third Door Media. His background is in content marketing agency, journalism, and storytelling.

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source http://www.scpie.org/the-right-way-to-hire-an-seo/ source https://scpie1.blogspot.com/2020/04/the-right-way-to-hire-seo.html