#it was the the only thing keeping me from paranoid breakdowns for years

[badtimenightmarefaces]

When the new dog chewed out your favorite stuffies eyes

The same stuffie that keeps me safe from vampires and intense hallucinations

And you have no idea where your favorite blankies are

So you just have to silently panic because you feel uncomfortable to tell your parents

Even if my mom put new eyes on the stuffie

It won’t be the same

[yandereunsolved]

"Don't Stop Me Now" — Five situations where yandere Five loses it

cw(s): yandere themes, non-descriptive self harm, mention of suicide and domestic violence

1 — someone ✗ something is trying to harm you

Pretty straightforward. 

This is the numero uno that comes along with every yandere.  

Five grew up with an abusive, emotionally absent father figure. He was pushed to be the best, the most successful of his siblings, just for an ounce of affection. He was isolated for so many years with nothing more than a department store doll. He has had to put away whatever loose morals he had to slave away in The Comission.

Then you come along and brighten up his life. No, you do more than that. You perfect it. 

Then someone comes and tries to strip that away from him?

It's safe to say you've only seen that crazed look in his eyes when you're in danger. He doesn't care about whatever mission, the greater good, or whatever the fuck when you may end up being killed. He's swift and merciless, just as he was taught. 

After he makes sure you are okay, he'll hold you to his chest for what feels like forever. He just needs to become secure again in the fact you are alive. You are here with him right now. It helps ground him so he doesn't end up going about on a killing spree. 

Yes. That has happened one too many times. 

Klaus now knows not to joke about random people flirting with you. Their spirits won't stop harassing him. In his defense, how was he supposed to know Five would just go out and slowly torture them before letting them waste away into death? Klaus didn't think Five was that unhinged. He knows better now.

2 — you harm yourself (in any way)

He keeps an observant eye on you, so it would be a miracle if you managed to accomplish anything along those lines. 

Two words. no. more. 

He has the internal breakdown. He's just standing there and staring at you. There are tears in his eyes. He wants to yell, to freak out, but his voice cracks far too much when he tries to reprimand you. 

No. Just no. 

That's the only word that encapsulates how he feels. 

He is not going to allow you to hold any sharp objects. He makes sure you have no contact with Diego. Five is paranoid and suspects that Diego had something to do with this. Somehow. 

You are more strictly monitored. 

He has an entire list of mental and physical health questions he asks you each morning. If you tell him to leave you alone or that you are tired, there's about a seventy percent chance that he'll go off. It would definitely be in a Five way. 

He'd be teleporting around you and sputtering out statistics and caring yet demeaning words. 

3 — keeping him out of the loop

Five is meticulous. 

When you keep him out of the loop—which could mean not saying good morning to him or hiding a romantic relationship—he feels so powerless again. He needs to know what is going on with you so he can protect you if need be. 

Don't even try to argue with him. 

He's older than you, so he knows best. 

He has so much more experience at anything and everything. He can solve all of your problems if you just let him in. 

Does that mean he will do the same in return? No. 

There's no reason for you to know what he is doing at any point of the day. You don't need to worry your pretty little head about it. Aka, he's doing things that are morally gray at best and human rights violations at... that's still one of the better cases. 

Just tell him. Or he'll force it out of you.

4 — things being out of his control

This ties in with every other scenario. 

He needs to be in control.

Everything has to be perfect. 

If one thing goes wrong, then you may slip through his fingers. 

That isn't allowed to happen. It can't. 

It eats away at him at night to think something could happen that he can't control. 

The apocalypse happened, and he had to spend decades just accepting that fact. Until there was a chance he could change it. 

Now he has to. He has to change, sort, and neatly put away everything. No speck of dust is out of place. If it is, then he'll end up pushing himself into fixing it, to the point of exhaustion or death—whichever comes first.

5 — escaping successfully

The only time there is a plausible chance he will resort to physical violence. 

Why, why, why, why, why, why!?

How could he be so idiotic? How did you do it? Who helped you? 

Whoever helped you is going to die if they haven't already killed themselves because they know Five is going to be coming after them. 

He will act nonchalant, like he is in control, when he finally finds you once again. He'll tease, poke, and prod at your fear, like a ringmaster taming their lion. A part of this act is the truth. He has you back, and now everything can go back to how it was. The other part of him is still devastated and wants to curl up in your lap and just be safe there.

Yandere Five: fragile—handle with care.  

✗ @clarioscharm

[alltheboysandgirlsiloved]

The more I think about Ben's girlfriend the more shady and off it sounds. This whole thing is rotting my brain so hard that... Welcome to ✨ Ben's character breakdown in Chaos Theory and "Ben's GF" theory✨

Here is what we know about Ben in Chaos Theory that may or may not be crucial:

- he used to be in a college but is currently taking a break

- he keeps all of his necessities in his van

- he is obsessed with conspiracy theories

- he occasionally keeps in touch with the rest of the campers (knew where Darius lived, received at least one parcel from Sammy)

- has a girlfriend from Europe and it's a long distance relationship

- gets paranoid easily (refuses to use the phone because it's trackable, believes that he is followed)

Here are things we don't know for sure but are assumable:

- his obsession with conspiracy theories is at least one year old (Ben talked about it with Brooklyn when he was still in college and it sounded fairly fresh)

- he spends a lot of time traveling in his van (very possible that he has been living there for a while)

- he didn't tell anyone about his girlfriend prior to events in CT

- Brooklyn was most likely (to some degree) infected by Ben's obsession with Dark Jurassic

Other things that I noticed:

- Ben talks about his girlfriend twice and his sentences about her can be roughly divided into two categories: normal speech bubbles and awkward hesitance.

- Ben was the one who told Brooklyn about Dark Jurassic

Theory under the cut:

A lot of things about Ben's behaviour tick me off. Don't get me wrong - everything is still in character but at the same time... It feels slightly off. The girlfriend thing is what set the alarm inside my head but the more I thought about it, the more things just didn't quite click.

As I mentioned earlier, how Ben talks about his girlfriend can be divided into two categories: normal speech bubbles and awkward hesitation. When he says that he has a girlfriend and doesn't behave like Sammy it sounds normal and casual, the same when he mentions his girlfriend to Yaz - I doubt he would lie to Yaz about that. So, I think, in general, that this person (his GF) does exist, or at least Ben believes that she exists and is his girlfriend. However, it would be foolish to ignore the very awkward "she's from... Europe" - it sounds hesitant, it sounds like a lie, or even (what I'm leaning towards nowadays) sounds like a bashful admittance that Ben doesn't know much about her. Keep that in mind for now.

One of the first things we learn about Ben in CT is that he is obsessed with Dark Jurassic and conspiracy theories. While some part of it can certainly be explained by lingering trauma ("the more you know, the safer you are"), I feel like that explanation alone isn't enough. What is even more interesting is that it seems that this obsession is strong enough for him to take a break from college and move to live in a van. Not his mother (who, as far as we know, is very loving) but a van. Almost as if he wanted to reduce contact with other people to the minimum - and we actually have proof for that because he doesn't use a phone. We also have evidence that it is both a fairly new and not-that-new development. From his flashbacks, we know that Brooklyn visited him in college - which, according to my very rough estimations, probably happened around a year ago (assuming that Ben entered college at 18 (he is 20 in CT) and Brooklyn died more than six months ago)), and we also know that this is when Ben mentioned Dark Jurassic to Brooklyn.

I think the bit about Ben mentioning Dark Jurassic to Brooklyn is a very interesting detail because Brooklyn was introduced to us as someone whose presence is very rooted online. And yet it is Ben who tells Brooklyn about Dark Jurassic. Ever since he spoke to Brooklyn about that, his obsession started to expand (surely, Brooklyn's "death" only fueled that), slowly consuming every aspect of his life – he took a break from college, he decided to spend a lot of time on the road, he dedicated a lot of his time to checking conspiracy theories. He became paranoid in a sense (which he used to be prone to as proved in season 1 of Camp Cretaceous) to the point when he considered suspecting Sammy. ben double-checks everything, he tries not to stay too long in one place, he is afraid that he is being tracked (rightfully so), and yet... he is in a long-distance relationship with someone "from... Europe".

This is where my theory enters. I tried to consider every aspect of Ben's personality and also the flow of the story in Chaos Theory - where the plot is thick and full of twists and turns.

I think that it was Ben's girlfriend who nudged him in the direction of Dark Jurassic. Or even – potentially he was the first "victim" of the anti-nublar six agenda. What's the best way to keep track of all the campers? Have an insider. Ben suspected that Sammy was spying, he didn't even consider that he could be the unknowing insider. It could have played out like this: when you're in college you come across many people who know other people etc etc. One way or another Ben got into contact with his current girlfriend (I doubt they have ever met in person but I don't completely rule out this possibility). They got close, when she showed his Dark Jurassic - a website brimming with mysteries - knowing that he would be interested (Ben has trouble establishing what is "normal", he is a little lost - the more lost you are, the more desperate you are to find out "what is real, what is true", reaching even for things like conspiracy theories). The deeper Ben fell into the rabbit hole, the more anxious he was, suspicious of others too – but not of his girlfriend. Why? Because she was the one who showed Dark Jurassic to him. She showed him where he could learn more, so naturally - naturally - she is beyond suspicion, right? Because (I doubt Ben has ever even voiced those thoughts but he didn't have to voice them out, the feel them) if she had something to hide, she wouldn't encourage him to explore the world of "I should be suspicious of everything/nothing is real".

At the same time, Ben is a smart boy - but he started to realize "some things" when he was way too deep. For example, with time he realized how little he actually knew about his girlfriend. By then, he trusted her a lot so now it would be awkward to admit that there are a lot of things he doesn't know like the fact that he's not even sure where is she from. It is also important to note that considering the timeline, they have been in a relationship for a while, and yet only now do the campers learn about her - strange considering that he stays (more or less) in touch with some of them. Perhaps, one way or another, at the beginning his girlfriend suggested him to... not mention her. Just in case. In case Ben's friends wanted to know more and encouraged Ben to start asking questions – questions that could be "uncomfortable" for Ben's girlfriend. No, I think she wanted to know everything about the Nublar Six but remain mysterious in return - at least until the plan (her plan? their plan? who are they?) was in full swing. Notice how Ben doesn't use the phone right now, but I'm pretty sure that it is a new development (I'm talking months news). Why new? Because earlier, it was crucial for his girlfriend to know everything (what are his friends up to, where are they) and to fuel Ben's anxiety and paranoia. Now when the atrociraptors are actively hunting the Nublar Six, when the plan is already in development, Ben isn't as needed as he used to be (that also explains why it was Brooklyn, not Ben who was lethally targetted first – Ben was literally needed alive because he was an active naive insider + because Ben trusted his girlfriend and wasn't suspicious of her presence around the conspiracy, whilst Brooklyn could be suspicious in more dangerous ways).

So yes, right now, this theory seems to more or less tie up most of the loose ends and weird things that surround Ben. To put it briefly – Ben was manipulated - his girlfriend is real but has some sort of ulterior motives.

(and oh wouldn't it be a dramatic plot twist if the person who suspected everyone turned out to be the one who was, ultimately, delivering a lot of information to the "bad guys"?)

if you got this far - congrats tbh hahah

[thatsthewrongwallcraig]

Training Wheels

Summary: It’s all or nothing on this Sunday night…

Pairing: virgin!Gabriel x nurse!fem!Reader

Word Count: - 3.6k

Content Warnings: Psych Ward Smut 18+!, Unprotected P In V, Cock-Warming, Gabe Eventually Losing His V-Card, Hints Of Body Worship, Nipple Sucking, Reader Is Having A Lil’ Breakdown, Angsty On Reader’s Part, Crying, Hurt/Comfort But The Other Way Around This Time, So Much Unintentional Manipulation, Gabe’s Delusions Gaining A Lot Of Momentum, Oh The Co-Dependency, Awkward Idiots In Love

A/N: *inaudible screeching* The grand final 🖤

Find The Other Parts Here!

Tagging the horny horde:

@crypticsewerslut @quicksilversg1rl @cc-luvr @icarus-star @milaeth @roryculkinsgf @spookyorchid @arch1viste @whoareyoi @angelsanarchy @blueberrypancakesworld @rocketqueen-world @lifelessvessel @doddernix @svgarcaine @amayalul @basementgrl222 @kristennero-wallacewellsver @iiheartsai @fan-goddess @shady-the-simp

I love everything you do

When you call me fucking dumb for the stupid shit I do

Wanna ride my bike with you

Fully undressed, no training wheels left for you

And I'll pull them off for you

- Training Wheels By Melanie Martinez

Sunday evening, the clock gradually ticked towards 10:30 P.M.

Tick tack. Tick tack. Tick tack. The clock hand moved a tiny bit further with every second that passed by with the dull, metallic sound echoing in your ears whilst your teeth nibbled around the aluminum edge of your halfway-empty Red Bull can. Everything was as usual yet nothing felt like it did before this weekend. Something had changed, shifted deep within you and it felt as if all that was oozing out onto the cold, loveless and gray linoleum floors of Ward 4 now. Borderline paranoid, you felt caught by everybody who had looked at you today. The clerk, the lovely, elderly lady in front of you in line at the supermarket and especially your colleagues from the day shift you took over from…it was in their eyes, a tell-tale flicker of judgment and disgust towards you. The only reaction you deserved for your actions and that you were well aware of. However, you couldn’t stop, couldn’t save either of you especially not sweet Gabriel from the thrashing hunger festering in your insides.

It corrupted your senses from the inside out, taking over in moments when you should’ve applied better judgment to stop this thing from getting out of control. Instead, you had watched it derailing further and further with every longingly stolen kiss, every brush over your fingers against his skin and every needy, little moan of his you had soaked up oh so willingly, allowing it to fill your very own emptiness and to patch up all the putrescent holes in your heart little by little.

The metallic clanking of your bottom teeth against the silver and blue aluminum can nearly entranced you as it mixed in with the clacking of the clock behind you. Gnawing away onto your bottom lip, the insides of your cheeks or your cuticles soon hadn’t been enough stimulation anymore, not enough dull repetition for your racing mind to zone out to it and now that little, chewed-up can was your lifeline. Maybe you should just quit your job already, hand in your two-weeks-notice and fuck right off. Gabriel would be in shambles, yes, and so would you, but you’d get over it in time…no? Wouldn’t you? Eventually, Gabe would be back on track too, maybe he’d forget you and everything that happened here over the years, maybe it all would fade into blissful oblivion in a med-induced haze that would keep him calm and sedated enough to be happy again.

No, stop, what the fuck? What were you thinking? There was no way you could just weasel your own ass out of this before it all blew up in your face. This situation here was your fuck-up and yours all alone, poor Gabe had nothing to do with you being too damn dense and full of yourself to do your job, your catastrophic shortcomings. With your back slightly swinging back and forth in your chair, you bit down harder on the can, teeth digging dents into the metal whilst a deep sight rolled over your tongue.

“Such a pretentious little fuck…” You groaned to yourself and very much at yourself somewhere between laughing and crying out about the sheer absurdity of it all.

Right underneath the thin cotton fabric of your mint-green scrubs, you felt the material of carefully picked lingerie smooth against your skin.

Black lace sewn in between satin straps and little bows to form an intricate design, the good shit that you only dug from your closet for the worthy occasions. Thinking about it, the last time you had worn that black lace set in particular was months ago on one of the few nights you’d allowed yourself to get carried away at the bar. A few gin tonic’s down the line, a shallow conversation with the dude right there with you at the counter and the very next thing you knew was a very sloppy and below-average fuck in a creaky toilet stall.

From toilet stalls to psych ward dorms… wow, really fucking your way upwards, huh? Your bottom lip quivered against the cold metal as you noticed yourself blinking for the first time in minutes, eyes burning in dehydration as you straightened your back and kept your eyes shut for a moment, allowing a layer of moisture to soothe the burning sensation. With your senses turned inward, it seemed like glaring right at the scene of the crime. You felt the war raging inside of your chest, the need to get your shit together fighting the urge to just swipe Gabriel off his shaky feet and have him your way, professional scrubs rubbing against seductive lace at any given moment tonight.

“Fuck this shit.” Letting your shoulders slump down, you reluctantly opened your eyes back to the cold, white light of Ward 4.

It was now or never. By tomorrow you had a few days off to recover before you’d start your next cycle of night shifts next Friday and, perhaps, by then all the tension would be gone, swallowed up by the unwelcoming smell of disinfectant and bleach cleaners emitting from sterile walls. The possibility of Gabe cracking under the nosey questioning of his therapists wasn’t too far off as well and you felt your stomach coiling up at the thought of it going south like this. You had to make a decision sooner than later, that much you knew, and you tried to get yourself to move by emptying out the can of sugary-sweet energy drink. The bubbly liquid gushed down your throat leaving an aftertaste that indicated dental damage and heart failure but that didn’t faze you just in the slightest, already way too uptight with the thought of what you were about to do.

“It’ll be fine…”, You muttered to yourself, fingers rubbing over your slightly sore eyes, “He wants it…fuck, craves it and you want it, too. Consensual, right? Nobody has to know…”

Haphazardly pep-talking yourself through it was a weak attempt but better than just freezing into your chair, allowing hesitation and anxiety to gradually knock the air from your lungs with every passing minute.

“Everything will be fine…”, You breathed out aloud but continued the rest of the sentence in your thoughts, “Everything will be fine as soon as you feel his lips on yours, washing all that scum out of your brain…it’ll all just go away…Gabe will make it go away…”

Repeating that to yourself over and over again in your mind, you pulled yourself out of the bureau chair, your legs nearly faltering upon the first hasty steps down the hallway.

“Gabe?”, You softly made yourself known by a few knocks against his door, “Can I come in?”

“Sure!” Gabriel quipped right back from the other side, the jolly smile on his lips already audible to you.

“Hey…” You reciprocated his smile with a rather cranky one of yours after you stepped into his room, the light on his nightstand somberly illuminating the walls in a warm shine.

“Are you…okay?”, He asked softly, putting the book down from his hands whilst scooting closer to the edge of his mattress, “Your face, it’s a bit pale, if I may say so.”

“I’m…I-...uh..”; You desperately tried to get something coherent out of your mouth but your voice was breaking and trailing off with every shaky attempt, “I- I..fuck. My head, so full of thoughts.”

The last mumbled words trickled from your lips and with them, everything felt like falling out of control simultaneously, a sniffled sob breaking free from your lungs whilst white-hot tears started rolling down your cheeks.

“Oh, no….no,no,no… what’s going on?” Gabriel stammered in an overwhelmed hectic, practically jumping from the bed and rushing towards your trembling form to cradle you in a warm and impossibly close embrace.

“It’s not your fault…none of this is, fuck…”, It just cascaded out of your mouth without any aim to your words, “I fucked up, Gabe. We shouldn’t..none of this should’ve happened…”

Your breathless cries got muffled by the soft fabric of his shirt that covered his torso, long sleeves pulled up to his knuckles for maximum comfort.

“Why would you say something like that?”, Gabe inquired, the former ease and happiness drawn from his tone, “You said…you said that you love me. W- what’s wrong about that now?”

“Nothing, Gabriel…nothing is wrong about that, I promise you, I promise. It’s just…I fucked things up for both of us, angel face, I really did.” Trying to catch your breath, you pushed your head into his embrace, helplessly nuzzling your face into the curve of his shoulder, lips brushing over his skin right atop the collar while you breathed him in.

“No…no, no, no…you didn’t mess up anything. Didn’t mess me up, only made me better…is me loving you not making anything better?” You knew that he only intended to help but right now his words cut even deeper into you.

“Gabe…Gabriel…please, it has nothing to do with that. It’s the fact that we’re trapped in here until someone finds out and then we’re fucked. Fucked, Gabe, fucked!” Your fingers clawed at his sides while you whimpered into the crook of his neck.

“Nobody will find out, I promise. I-...I’ll get better and then I’m going to get out of here and…and then we can go wherever we want, yeah?” Gabriel was fighting with his own tears at this point, his voice brittle and trembling.

Unironically and in a rather cruel way this posed very much as the only option in which things could perhaps, somehow work out…if Gabriel, in fact, got better, better in taking his meds, better in not lashing out like a little boy, and much much much better at lying to his therapists.

“You gonna get better, yeah?” Gabe nodded into the embrace, carefully guiding you away from the door behind you to gingerly sit you down on the bed next to him, the mattress still warm from his body resting there prior to all this.

“Hey, look at me.”, He requested in a soft tone and you did, eyes meeting his shyly, “I’m going to get better, pinky promise. Then, I’ll get out of here…we’ll work it out but don’t underestimate me.”

A mischievous glint flickered through his eyes as a smile tugged at his lips for them to slightly curl upwards.

“I’d never…” You sniffled, wiping the last vagrant tears from your face, breathing heavily.

“Good. Then I need you to trust me to handle some things. Do you trust me?” His gaze was soft yet stern with anticipation toward your answer.

“Yeah, I-...I trust you.” You nodded, validating your words.

“Okay, good. Then we’ll work it out somehow.” Gabe inhaled deeply before mentally washing all the anxiety out of his body by exhaling again, a learned therapy skill… and a good one at that.

Just like two nights ago, Gabriel raised his hand up to his lips, mimicking the movements of a key turning in a lock before tossing it to the side.

“Nobody will hear a single thing about this, I promise. Nobody but you.” Gabe smiled before leaning in, planting a tender kiss to your lips as his hands searched for yours.

With the welcoming feeling of his plush lips against yours, you practically melted into his caress, your fingers being guided by Gaberiel’s to the seam of his sweater, invited to slip them right underneath the cozy fabric and that you did. Your fingers searched hungrily for the warmth of his body, the sensation of his incredibly soft skin under your fingertips getting soaked up by you immediately.

“It’s going to be okay…I just know it. Come here, been waiting and thinking about you all day long.” Gabe hummed against your mouth, eliciting a soft smile to form around yours.

“It’s gotten kinda hard to think about anything else lately…” You confessed, the palms of your hands cupping his sides whilst slowly wandering upwards.

“I could say that I’m sorry about that but that would be me lying to you.”, He laughed out softly, the tip of his nose stroking upwards over the bridge of yours until his lips gingerly pressed down on your forehead, peppering a playful wash of smooches to it, “And I don’t do that, no no.”

Just the way you had told yourself, being around him, finally close to him like that again, flushed all the bad feelings and thoughts out of your system, your chest filling with a comfortable warmth instead and you took every single shred of comfort you possibly could from him.

“I missed you, Gabe. Everything out there suddenly feels weird…meaningless if I’m not in here with you, you know?” You didn’t expect him to understand and in some way, you felt sorry for him to mention the world outside the facility.

“Even in here, it’s pretty dull without you now. Don’t get me started on how boring the day shift staff is…and the food? Ugh…” His comment made the both of you chuckle for a moment.

“Maybe I can sneak in a proper chocolate milkshake for you next week, Gabe.” At that he pulled his head away from you, searching for your gaze with glacier-blue eyes sparkling in nothing but pure joy.

“You’d do that for me?” You nodded vigorously.

“Of course, I would. Can’t let you hang in here without a little treat, no?”, You smiled back, the anxiety-fueled thoughts from not so long ago rapidly crumbling into oblivion, leaving your entire body feeling elevated with a slowly forming desire for more of him, “Speaking of it, I might be bringing a little treat with me for you already…”

Gabriel's eyes grew even wider in almost boyish excitement.

“Uh, show me, pretty please?” He quipped, his smile turning into a slightly agape grin that showed off his pearly whites.

“How about you feel it first?”, You couldn’t help yourself but to bite down on your bottom lip a little, “How about you sneak that pretty hand of your right underneath my shirt and let your fingers wander up a bit, hm?”

“Oh…okay…” A tell-tale surge of red crept up into Gabe’s cheeks as he reached out to slip his hand to where you guided it, the tender tips of his fingers caressing over your stomach up to the curve of your breasts, reaching the lacey-soft fabric causing him to suck the air in harshly.

“That…uh, that feels pretty.” He stammered a little clumsily.

“It feels pretty?” You snickered, watching the color in his face change into an even deeper tint of red.

“Yeah, uhm, or not?” His fingers explored the piece of cloth further, grazing over the plenty of satin strings cupping the rounds of your cleavage and stroking over the plenty of small bowtie details.

“Well, if it already feels pretty to you, I bet it’ll look pretty as well.” You noticed it getting harder to hold yourself back from not simply jumping him, but you kept it together, drawing your hands from his back to pull the top of your scrubs off your torso.

“It sure does look pretty, too!” Gabriel stammered coyly, looking right at your breasts, mesmerized by the sight in front of him.

With a sly grin tugging at your lips, you tossed the top to the ground before leaning in and whispering: “The panties are just as nice, I can assure you!”

“You…you put all that on f-for me?” You nodded your head after the question had left his lips.

“Sure did…I- I uhm…”, You started stumbling over your own words a little as well, “I wanted to make it a little special for you, you know.”

“To make what special?” Gabriel blurted right out and with that, you felt the heat climbing into your cheeks too.

Oh, good lord, you swallowed awkwardly whilst looking at him, the words in your throat clumping into an embarrassed, dry lump.

“I…”, You haphazardly cleared your throat, “I…I’d like to be with you tonight, Gabe. I mean, i-if that’s what you want as well, of course.”

For an excruciatingly long moment, Gabriel simply stared at you rather dumbfounded, lips halfway agape and eyebrows softly knit together.

“Do you-?” You cut him off right there and then.

“Yes!” It shot out of your mouth, your free hand grabbing for the collar of his sweater to pull him towards you.

In an uncoordinated mess out of busily fumbling limbs, Gabe tilted into your front, heavy breaths filling the room whilst the two of you shimmied out of the remaining clothes until he halted, resting between your legs, his skin glowing in a warm hue with the soft light emitting from the lamp on his nightstand. You watched his former confidence crumble away, eyes trained on your lingerie and cheeks colored in a deep red as Gabriel discovered the little special that your slip held.

“Oh, that’s…inviting…” He murmured, his face leaning in to shamelessly latch right onto one of your lace-covered nipples.

Exhaling a pleasure-filled moan, you allowed your head to loll into the flat, hospital-like pillow, a warm rush washing through your entire body as you felt his mouth closing down around your perked-up nub, the warm and wet tip of his tongue lapping at it.

“Thought you might like that.” You pushed out from between slightly trembling lips, your eyes helplessly fluttering shut whilst you felt him pushing his lap closer to your exposed cunt in that slightly slutty, crotch-free string of yours.

This time, unlike last night, you endorsed the thought of wrapping your legs around his waist to pull him into you, however, before you guided Gabriel to push into you, you let your hands roam along his neck to his head, fingers grazing through glossy hazel-brown hair and carefully asking: “You okay with this?”

“Uh-huh…”, Gabe whined back, the tip of his pulsing cock prodding right between your thoroughly soaked folds and against your entrance, “Wanna feel you so bad, please!”

His pleading tone vibrated against your breast, pushing your senses right over the edge to pull him into you.

“Oh…oh, fuck, oh fuck, damn…shit…”, The words fell from lips in an aimless avalanche, “God, fuck, you’re so warm, shit…f-feels so fucking good…”

You bit down on your bottom lip feeling him thrusting into you, stretching you out just right with his hard-on, a ripple of brain-deafening bliss jolting through you.

“There, there…” Your hands shot down to his hips to hold him in place for a moment, calming him down as you felt him twitching inside you already.

“Fuck, sorry, feels so so so good…” Gabriel mewled with his temple pressed against your collarbone.

“It’s okay, angel face, don’t you worry. Feels good for me too.” You assured him, still holding him in place, cock-warming him for a little while, allowing him to get used to the feeling of being nestled into you down to his shaft.

“Hmhmm…wanna make you happy and satisfied, too.” Gabe whimpered, trying to move in your grasp but to no avail.

“Oh, don’t you worry about any of that, angel face. Just enjoy yourself, hm?” You lovingly cooed into his hairline, reluctantly loosening your grip for him to roll his hips into you at his own pace again.

“Mhmmm…. ‘m trying to, god, fuck….you feel so fucking good!” His warm breath breezed over your lace-covered tits.

“Such a good boy for me.” You huffed out, calves still tightly wrapped around his hips.

“Your good boy!” Gabriel groaned right back, thrusting into you again.

“Hmhm, you’re my good boy, Gabriel.” You encouraged him to let himself go wild with your body for his own pleasure and that he did.

“L-love you so much, shit…mmmhmmm…” You didn’t miss his cock pulsing and twitching against your walls, thick, pent-up ropes of his cum filling your insides as Gabriel’s body turned rigid above yours during one, final stroke, “Oh, fuck, so warm and tight...”

Breathing in deeply, he very much collapsed onto you, hiding his flushed face in the crook of your neck.

“I love you too, Gabe.” You planted a deep kiss on his slightly sweaty forehead, the salty taste of it slowly seeping into your mouth.

“We’re gonna get out of here somehow, no?” Gabriel murmured into your skin, nuzzling his lips right onto your pulse point.

For a moment as the painful reality of things hit you again, you swallowed hard, moving your body to cradle his.

“Yeah, we gonna make it out of here somehow…”

[ikamigami]

Eclipse was right!

Sun will die and it'll be Moon's fault.. but it won't happen in the way you expect it.

People started to see that Sun is seemingly acting like Evil Sun thus they're scared that Sun will snap once again. People also started to see that Moon is slowly losing his mind thus he'll have a mental breakdown soon.

What if I told you that show does it intentionally and want us to think that Sun will snap and Moon will have a mental breakdown.. what if they're doing this so we won't see what they'll actually planning to do..

In my most recent posts I pointed out something which I think many people forgot about.. and this thing is Moon's paranoia.

I realised that Moon became more paranoid after he visited Evil Sun's dimension. Many people thought (me included) that Moon's paranoia is centered around Ruin. Which honestly would make a lot of sense. But something wasn't adding up with the way Moon was acting with Ruin.

When Moon returned from Evil Sun's dimension I immediately saw the shift in the way Moon is acting around Sun but then I didn't connect the dots yet. Only after my friend on Discord pointed out to me how Moon is acting weird towards Sun I realised that I was wrong.

Moon's paranoia isn't centered around Ruin. It's centered around Sun. First Moon started distancing himself from Sun because of what Evil Sun told him. That Sun and Moon being brothers is a rare thing.

Another thing that Evil Sun told Moon about is that our Sun didn't reach yet the point in which he'll become like Evil Sun. And what was Moon's reply? He said that Sun already reached that point when he snapped and killed Bloodmoon.

Moon knows Sun so he knows that Sun won't lose it once again, right? Yes but also no. Maybe everything would turn out somewhat fine if the only issue was Ruin. Because if they would learn that Ruin isn't the bad guy it could ease Moon's paranoia and he'll be in the right mind to address the brotherly bond thing and talk about it with Sun.

Unfortunately Eclipse returned.. and this is when shit hit the fan. Moon started acting as if he was losing his mind. Because he thought that he was able to get rid of the thing that caused so much misery to Sun. Moon views Eclipse as a threat to Sun's life.

Paranoia is feeding on our fears. And what is Moon afraid of the most? He's scared that he'll lose Sun.

Moon already feeling insecure about his and Sun's brotherly bond. And when he started to see that Sun is acting more violent and more angry in games it only fuelled the paranoia that maybe Evil Sun was right and Sun will lose it. Moon is scared that Sun may try to hunt down Eclipse on his own. He watched the show so he knows what happened last year. He also knows which Old Moon's mistakes led to that. He won't repeat those same mistakes.

Important thing to note is that Moon is more afraid that Sun will end up injured or dead when he'll try to hunt down Eclipse on his own. Moon doesn't think that Sun will become evil. Definitely not.

Getting back to the point. Because Moon is afraid that Sun will snap once again, he decided to not include Sun in dealing with Eclipse and Ruin's situations. That's why he's mainly doing things with Solar and only inform Sun about results later. So Moon will both keep Sun safe and not keep him completely in the dark about what's going on.

But it's not enough. Sun still can decide to go hunt down Eclipse on his own. Sun can easily escape from the Daycare. Moon knows that because he watched the show and he saw that leaving Sun in the Daycare alone isn't a good idea. And that's why Moon bought their new house on the island so he could trap there Sun. Because Moon can easily block Sun's access to the portal and Sun won't be able to escape from the island on his own.

And it's the better way than the Old Moon did it. Because Old Moon trapped Sun in magic box where Sun couldn't even move. And here Moon bought huge house on the island. So there's plenty of room for Sun to move and Sun wouldn't feel trapped there.

Moon's words are proof that he's doing it because of his paranoia: "I need this.." "..I need to clear my head.." Moon is doing this because he's losing his mind from all this paranoia. He doesn't realise though that what he's doing isn't much better from what Old Moon did. It's because Moon is doing different things from Old Moon. But different doesn't immediately means better.

Moon doesn't realise how much it's affecting Sun and his poor mental state. And I think that Moon's paranoia will drive Sun to attempt suicide. You may think that this is too much and it's too dark for the show. Do I have to remind you that show started showing more dark stuff after Bloodmoon's return? But you may say that it was only in laes. Mgafs was pretty dark from the beginning. Now it's sams turn.

I was talking about Sun's mental state many times so I don't have to explain that isolating Sun on the island will only make his mental state worse.

Also paranoia makes Moon unable to realise that what he's doing is affecting Sun badly. Because paranoia is clouding Moon's mind. He's unable to see Sun's side of things. He doesn't take Sun's feelings and what Sun wants into consideration. Paranoia makes Moon act on his fear and he's doing whatever it takes to ease his paranoid mind.

If you think that I'm exaggerating then let me tell you one thing. If you continue to fuel your paranoia, you may end up harming not only yourself but also your loved ones. Your actions may even lead to death of your loved ones. This is the dark truth about paranoia.

Like I said Solar won't be able to stop Moon because 1) he may think that it's better to keep Sun safe - and because he doesn't know Sun because he doesn't hang out with him because of issues he has, he doesn't realise how Moon's actions affect Sun, 2) he doesn't know how paranoid Moon can be - he only saw what Moon is capable of while angry because this is what he learned from his own Moon. Solar's Moon wasn't paranoid because he was too much driven by his kill code.

That's why Solar is only trying to keep Moon from being too caught up in his anger. He doesn't know how much paranoia can lead to tragic things. Also Solar might act paranoid towards Sun as well 1) because of what happened to his Sun, 2) because he want to keep our Sun safe so our Sun could avoid Solar's Sun's fate.

But unfortunately this is what will lead to tragedy. Eclipse was right. Sun will die. And it'll be Moon's fault. Because Moon can choose if he'll act on his paranoia or not. Our thoughts and emotions aren't controlling us. Ultimately we decide if we'll act on those thoughts and emotions. The decision belongs to us.

If I am right show will get very dark. Because these topics are something not easy to talk about.

And then if Sun will try to kill himself, Moon will definitely have a mental breakdown. He'll be forced to face his own mistakes and that what lead to this tragedy is that he tries to be completely different from Old Moon. But he doesn't realise that isn't acting that much different from him.

Same is with Solar. If Sun will end up in a coma because of the suicide attempt, Solar will be forced to face his own trauma and his feelings that he locked deep in himself.

It'll be brutal way to force the reality check on them but probably this is the only way they'll be able to realise that what they're doing is wrong.

I hope that I didn't do too many mistakes in this post cause I'm not feeling too well rn..

[starleska]

important message: if you're a Twitter user, please hop on over to Bluesky 💙

as you may know, Elon is making yet another fuck-stupid decision: to alter Twitter's block feature, allowing people you've blocked to still not be able to reply to/interact with your posts, but they can see what you've posted. obviously this is a horrible, terrifying idea, and possibly the nail in the coffin for a lot of people who've been growing increasingly frustrated, angered and upset with the way Twitter is as a social media. Bluesky is an open-network Twitter alternative which is very similar to Twitter, but without an engagement-based algorithm: the only algorithms at play are ones you have control over, by voting to see more or less of posts. it has a Tumblr-like tagging system and doesn't shove unrelated, rage-baiting content into your face: you can actually search the tags properly, including what people have tagged on their own account.

i'm one of those people who has been vocal about how bad Twitter has been for my mental health. every day, despite my efforts to make it a lovely, fun place to be, i'd still get posts talking about horrible, untagged, triggering topics, whether that be accusations of abuse or photographs of individuals who've been severely harmed or killed. it was pushing me towards a breakdown. i conducted an experiment to see how long it took scrolling down my Twitter feed to see something that made me angry, upset, or anxious, and every time, it was within ten minutes. i've been wanting to leave Twitter for so long, but didn't feel there was another option besides here. now, there is. Bluesky has gained half a million people in the last day, and that number keeps going up. people are realising what an absolute fucking hellscape Twitter has become, and how sick it's been making everyone. on Twitter, nothing is private, or sacred: everyone is furious and upset and paranoid all of the time, and you aren't allowed to escape it. you physically can't. and that is not healthy or normal. i have not heard a single favourable thing about Twitter in two years. every conversation i have with someone about it, is always, 'i wish i could quit Twitter because it's making me sick, but it's really hard.'

so far, Bluesky has been like a breath of fresh air. it feels so...unburdened. the utter lack of charged, political, aggressive tweets has me feeling off-balance. all i'm seeing is lovely art from friends, and silly posts about how much nicer it is there!! yes, Bluesky is early days and it doesn't have as many bells and whistles as Twitter, but my God the people behind it are listening to its userbase. it is a functional, clean, relaxed type of social media that i think so, so many of you would benefit from joining. so please...if you've been feeling exhausted and infuriated by the standard Musk-era Twitter has set for social media, give Bluesky a shot. you can use the Sky Follower Bridge extension to find all your pals from Twitter who are already on Bluesky! and if you want to give me a follow, i'm @starleska.bsky.social - i'd love to see you there 🥰

[disgruntleddd]

AITA for wanting to cut ties with my ex?

I (22) have been friends with my ex-fiancé (21) since we were 14. We were best friends for years and they crushed on me for ages, until we finally started going out when I was ~18. We were each other's firsts and we got engaged when I was 20 and they were 19. We moved in together when I was 21 and they were 20.

Last November (six-ish months ago now, jeez, time flies) they broke up with me. They were sexually assaulted in a club and told me that the experience made them realize that they want to be more upfront with their boundaries and desires. They don't think we're compatible like that and wanted to date someone more similar to themselves while still being my best friend, like we were before.

For a while, I tried to make it work even though I was absolutely miserable being around them knowing that what we had was gone. They had an online friend, we'll call him D (24), who they'd grown close to over the course of the year or so we'd lived together. Well, they already had a visit planned months in advance for D to come out and stay in our apartment for two weeks. They told me that they were romantically interested in D, and wanted to see how things went in person. I didn't want to ask them to cancel such an expensive trip so short notice, so I sucked it up. At the time, I expressed that I wanted D to sleep on our fold-out couch (we have a two-bedroom, and they got their own bed after the breakup) but they told me that who they invite into their bed is none of my business.

Anyway, so, my ex lied to me. Turned out that they'd already been dating D for a couple of weeks before the visit took place. The walls are not thick so I heard them fucking more than once. My ex invited me out to drink with them and I ended up crying because it was really painful to watch them hang off of someone else and loudly make jokes about all the sex they were going to have later.

Fast forward a couple of months, and D gets kicked out of his apartment and needs somewhere to live. This is where shit hits the fan, and what prompted this post.

D has never liked me, although he tries very hard in a shallow way to make me like him. (I think it's an anxiety thing — he wants me to like him because then I feel less threatening, not because he actually cares about getting to know me, you know?) I overheard a phone conversation between Ex and D where he was ranting about how I have no friends because I'm such an unlikeable bitch, I'm never going to change or improve myself, he fucking hates me, I'm a narcissist, Ex needs to move out and cut ties with me because I'm so toxic, blah blah blah. D also has schizophrenia, multiple personalities due to severe childhood trauma, he age-regresses (constantly; his default mental age is ~17), and he's an alcoholic. All of this to say that he is a very paranoid and depressed person.

(Side note: I expressly told my ex that I didn't want him to stay in our apartment. They said that they understood and assured me it would only be for a few days while they found him a place. It's been ~3 weeks now, and he's still here.)

I was woken up one night a week ago by my ex and D having a very loud conversation about suicide. D was having a mental breakdown/panic attack and ex was actively having to keep him away from pills and knifes. I laid in my bedroom and listened to D describe a fantasy in which he takes a gun and blows his brains out in front of me — apparently because I am a huge source of depression and anxiety for him, on account of me not liking him.

I don't believe I've been mean to D. I simply don't care about him. I do my best to not acknowledge him/pretend he doesn't exist. My ex disagrees.

They claim I've been outwardly cruel to him and that my hostility is the reason for his near suicide-attempt. They called me all sorts of names and pinned the blame almost entirely on me.

That night of the panic attack, I also became anxious that D would try to do something to hurt me or my two cats. (He has a history of animal abuse/murder.) I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife to sleep with because I was too tense to get back to sleep.

Well, D found out about the knife and apparently he is now terrified that I'm going to do something to him (and he could have only known about it if my ex told him, as he does not enter my room EVER), which my ex also blames on me.

My ex made the decision to break our lease and move out around a month ago. Rather than find a new roommate, I decided to get a small one bedroom apartment for myself. My ex seems upset about this. I told them blatantly that I don't want to see each other or even communicate once the move is completed, which I don't think they've grasped. They keep making remarks about trying to stay in contact or me visiting them at their new place.

I am a college student and I have a job. I have missed three of my morning classes this month already because my ex and D both like to stay up late at night and play games in the living room and/or drink together. They both talk very loudly and this can go on until 2 in the morning. It's nearly impossible for me to relax and sleep with their constant activity. I also do the dishes, feed the pets, clean up after them, sweep, take out the trash, throw away the beer cans they both leave everywhere, hell, I've even done their laundry.

The only thing my ex does is cook occasionally, which they seem to think is an effort towards our friendship, when they consistently prioritize D's dietary desires over mine, never help me with my groceries, and when they order food, never get anything for me. If there is enough food for three, then they will offer me some. That's about it.

They make no effort to spend time with me and actively avoid having difficult conversations while at the same time accusing me of moving out because I'm "running away from my problems." They want to be both my best friend and a good husband.

Oh, yeah. Ex and D are married as of last week, ish. No idea why. Not my problem.

But, the way I see it, it is functionally impossible for Ex to prioritize someone as high-maintenance as their new husband AND be my friend at the same time, considering all of the emotional conflicts going on in our fucked up little situation here.

(Side note: all of this is IGNORING the 3k my ex owes my parents, as they helped us both out when my ex lost their job last year. My ex told me that they're frustrated because it feels like my family is "ganging up" on them, and that they were under the impression my parents would just forgive the money and all of us could part ways on good terms. I have literally no idea where they got THAT impression.)

I feel ignored and underappreciated. I am also fairly confident that I'm being gaslit, as Ex constantly blames me for my feelings AND for D's feelings. I am posting this now because I legitimately cannot tell if I'm overreacting or not. Ex makes me doubt my thoughts and the validity of my actions. (RE: the knife incident, they chastised me for scaring D all because I was "paranoid," when I brought up the phone call I overheard, Ex told me that D was just drunk/angry and didn't really mean it, the last time I complained about them both being noisy (during sex) it was brushed off as me being bitter that I'm still single, etc)

I know that Ex is also stressed and dealing with a lot. Am I being too harsh? Am I overthinking this? Should I buckle down and try to make it work? I've been friends with them for ⅓ of my life — they've been with me through my worst and my best. So much of who I am is shaped by them. I don't want to give that up, but I also think that maybe I need to if I'm ever going to improve myself/my mental state.

I am legitimately looking forward to moving out on my own, being responsible only for myself, only cleaning up my own messes, focusing on work and school and potentially maybe even making some new friends. I don't want Ex in my life anymore, I just want to put the last year behind me, and I think they know that — they're just in denial. They want to have their cake and eat it, too.

[frostmoths]

Might regret posting this. cw alcohol, suicide ideation

Let me preface by saying I wrote this, and a much more emo version before, over the course of a week, and I’m feeling a little better now. It comes and goes. It's everything I’ve been handling since late May, and I want to open up about it.

I have extreme depression and recent happenings have tipped the scale to make me nearly non-functional. I started therapy and medication a year ago because of the world’s most passive-aggressive rejection. I’m way worse now. I’m on my third med and if what happened Sunday (I was very ill) was a side effect, I’m going to have to quit it too. I don’t believe in antidepressants as a cure-all and I’ve only been conceding because I’m tired of wanting to lay down and die. Not kms necessarily, just stop hurting. Though I’ve got like 10 bottles of various prescription insomnia meds which don’t do any good on their own, so maybe if I take them all at once

One weeknight in early June I tried to drink myself to passing out and forgetting what broke my heart. Instead I threw up and went to work the next day hung over. And it was an embarrassingly small amount to drink. Just that it was cheap and I had it on an empty stomach because I was too enraged to make dinner. I haven’t had alcohol since. I dumped out what was left. 

My idiot father, who has dementia, has taken to dragging his guns around everywhere because he’s paranoid they’ll be stolen, and gets angry if he's confronted about it. I’ve alerted several authorities but unless my mother complies, nothing will be done. She won’t because she’s also insane. In May I had a full nervous breakdown expecting me or my cats to get murdered. It was probably the breaking point for my short-lived girlfriend dumping me two days later. Once again my shitty family has ruined any chance of happiness for me. 

When I saw a pistol on his chairside table the other day, instead of blind panic, I felt nothing. I kind of hoped it was loaded and he’d do it, so everything would stop.

My new house is a shitshow and I got ripped off. I have approximately 6 hours a week to work on it and zero help so I’m still not moved in. At this point I hope to sell it after a couple of years of improvements (if I can afford them), get my money back, then maybe flee this godforsaken country and go live in the mountains in. Fucking Iceland. idk. My mother promised assistance for certain things and took it back because that’s what she does. I’m about ready to cut her out of my life.

I can barely eat without getting sick in one way or another. I no longer enjoy things like cooking, EDM, watching anime, and, worst of all, writing. Last month I started poking at [redacted]’s outline as a way to keep my head above water, only to realize it’s way more vague than I remember and that some parts make no damn sense. This is a thing I’ve been bragging about for 3 years as proof that I know what I’m doing, so I feel like a fool. I deleted everything I ever posted about it on my sideblog. I’m tempted to wipe what’s started off AO3. Tempted to delete the entire account tbh, too many memories which are too raw right now. I’m not a skilled writer and the pros (plural) were right to call me out on it last year. And this has been the one thing about myself I was confident in my entire life, that I was banking on making a career now that I finally, finally have my own house with peace and quiet, and now I can see I was fucking delusional. I give up.

My therapist says I have trauma and that I never healed from what happened in 2020 (not Covid-related). I can only see her every 5-6 weeks because she’s that booked. She said she argued with administration because she can't focus on her current patients but they keep throwing new ones at her. Kind of like my job. Everyone everywhere is overworked.

To cope I’ve been indulging in something that’s frowned upon — not a substance abuse thing, but an ethical thing? I guess? Among creatives. I don’t care because it helps me. My psych and my therapist both told me to seek supplemental therapy in between appointments. I think they had something more like b*tterh*lp in mind, but that’s a proven pyramid scheme so lol no thanks. Psychology books and imaginary friends it is.

My employer is closed today and tomorrow for the holiday, and I’m on vacation next week. Much-needed extended time off for me. If I don’t make headway on the house then I don’t know what. I didn’t want to spend my one week off a year moving in the middle of fucking summer during the worst heat on record. At one point I had much more pleasant plans but that’s no longer happening and I can’t think about it. I can’t, but I still do. 

I wanted this house to be my success story. Having worked hard, she rescued herself, escaped her toxic family with her fur sons and flourished creatively, healthfully, and romantically. All was well. The reality is that I was likely conned as a first-time single homebuyer and I'm so mentally ill now that I may not be able to meet the demands of maintaining a 70 year old house with nonworking appliances I can't afford to replace, let alone my own well-being. How did I get myself into this. 

There's one last-ditch effort I can make to pull myself through, but not properly until I move. It sounds like a lame excuse and it probably is, but whatever. Better later than never. However, I tried this last fall, went too hard too fast and burned out after 4 months. I threw a lot of money away doing it. I keep hearing push yourself, go intense, you'll never get there with baby steps but I also think you have to take baby steps if you're starting from zero because otherwise you'll burn out? I'm so tired of conflicting information everywhere. One tells me one thing, another says that's wrong. I can't trust anyone. 

There are a couple of other things I’m looking forward to trying more than exercise. Which are probably less healthy for me. Who is going to stop me. hashtag yolo

I keep telling myself it won’t be this way forever. Just like summer. It comes around once a year, it feels like death, and then there’s relief. But it’ll happen again and again. Just like summer. You have to adapt.

I'm glad pride month is over. I don't know what I'm supposed to be so proud of.

[stuckinuniformdevelopment]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) Bert uneasily watched as Teddy abruptly started checking his door and vents for… whatever. Well, he was glad that Teddy was such a cautious person, but Bert couldn’t help but think how paranoid someone in his position must be. “You don’t have to do…” Bert trailed off before finishing his sentence, figuring that letting Teddy do his checks would help him have a little peace of mind. Finally, upon Teddy’s frantic admission, Bert was taken aback. He could do nothing but hold on to Sherri Jr and watch as his dear friend struggled through a breakdown as he tried to explain himself. Once Teddy sat down in a stool at the counter, Bert set Sherri Jr down with a pat on the head before walking towards him. He was tempted to give him a comforting hug or maybe a back pat, but Teddy’s abrupt upright jolt and pained inhale deterred him. Bert did not miss the weird ridged ways Teddy was moving that evening. He wondered if it had anything to do with his secretive “sickness.” Bert heaved a heavy sigh, and retrieved a tissue box from a nearby drawer to set in front of his friend. Bert then sat down on the stool beside him. And while it was what Teddy wanted to avoid, Bert was filled with a profound, immense guilt. He would’ve felt this guilt regardless of how Teddy delivered this news. Bert was quiet while a million thoughts raced through his head, none of them suitable to say out loud. Did Teddy think he was his personal assassin or something? What the hell was he thinking? Why go through all this trouble for some guy he’d only been friends with for like, maybe a year? Among his many thoughts, one finally slipped out of Bert’s mouth. “You’re still there, stuck… Because of me…” He folded his hands together on the counter and averted his eye. “I wish you would have said something earlier.” He briefly paused. “Or… Maybe I wish I was more proactive in supporting you, so you’d be more comfortable telling me things? Or maybe I wish I was more vehement about dissuading you. Regardless, I wish…” Bert sunk his head into his arms. “I wish I did something other than bury my head in the sand hoping everything would blow over. As I always do. You’d think after eight years of looking away while those damn Glornists constantly tormented me and the rest of the Skullship, I’d have learned my lesson. But no.” “I… I didn’t know Percy had achieved magic capabilities until I saw them for myself. I always thought he was somehow lying with stage tricks or something. And yet when I did learn of this… I still did nothing. I’m sorry. You may think I'm stronger than you, but Grop, am I a million times more cowardly too.”

It would have been easier to handle Bert chewing him out for being a reckless busy body. This... disgusted him to his very core. How could Bert take responsibility for his foolish decision?

"No..," Teddy breathlessly said as he used the tissues. Then he cautiously hugged Bert while doing his best to minimize the pain. A hug was exactly what Bert needed... and what Teddy needed too.

"Why would it be your fault? You tried to stop me, I saw how upset you were. Yet I pressed on anyways because... I didn't listen to you... Even if you listened to my concerns."

Teddy took a deep breath as he prepared for what he was about to say next. Then he rested his hand on Bert's. "Keeping everything to myself is my flaw. What could you do that my two wonderfully supportive brothers haven't?"

He paused to let out a bitter laugh. "Would you believe that I never mentioned breaking up with Minnie to them? Not because I'm afraid of coming out— Freddy's bi— but because I'm scared of them celebrating..."

Which was a completely valid fear when their opinion of her did a one eighty the instant that she became nothing but that "baby killer" to them. Or... maybe not? They would at least hold back in front of him.

Teddy wrapped his arms around Bert to give him a light squeeze. "Once again, I can not overstate how sorry I am for that. I'm trying to change starting with telling you everything..."

[firebird-inkheart]

Interesting to come back here after a nice break focusing on other things just to find people scrambling to glue back together what was essentially a burning house of straw that is this “community”. When I first joined a few years back then yeah, sure, I could consider this little corner of the internet a community. But eventually “community” dwindled down to “I can only trust this handful of people to not prematurely judge and shoot me in the back”.

Initially, I started out hopeful, wanting to share my art, interact with new people. But I’ve experienced several mental breakdowns and manic episodes over the course of the last 3/4 years thanks to this “community” alone. Watching judgey “rules” build up, followed by even more predictable demanding behavior to uphold some sort of paragon of non-existent virtue, and eventually reaching a pinnacle of lies, slander, and witch hunts before we all wind down and wait for the cycle to start up again. I can barely even bring myself to tag things in the self ship tags anymore because of how willing people are to go for blood via misunderstandings or even just a straight up refusal to consider the other person’s side.

That kind of cycle leaves me feeling like I’m walking on eggshells, makes me unreasonably paranoid, even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong, for something that’s supposed to be considered a “safe space”. And do you know what all of this reminds me of? It reminds me of having to watch what I said so I didn’t accidentally set my dad off into an accusation filled rage. Chew on that for a minute: This “community” has gotten so bad that it has, time and again, reminded me of my own father’s cycles of domestic abuse.

Like, genuinely, what in the actual fuck?

And this isn’t even getting into how much this “community” preaches about give and take, but only by and large demonstrates― No, demands ― the Take aspect of things. That leads into a larger problem surrounding the demand of instant consumption that’s been plaguing the internet for the last decade, but the base line of this problem is that this “community” gets so nasty demanding that people pay attention to their things, yet don’t reciprocate by giving attention back to others. I’m not really much of a saint either; there’ve been plenty of times where I’ve gotten upset at how things I’ve worked hard on would barely even break ten notes, especially when I did properly tag them. It’s hard to look at popular blogs get tons of attention when you get nothing, I get it, really. But with the way everything gets handled around here, it just feeds back into that horrible cycle.

It’s exhausting, being in this “community” most of the time. The things that are supposed to make me happy and bring me comfort don’t bring those sorts of “rewards” to me anymore unless I keep them within a small circle. Which sucks because I do want to share with a larger audience. I do want to get people excited for my things and to hype them up for theirs in turn.

Just not in this hostile environment.

And while it’s admirable that people want to better this “community”, it’s just another cog in the damning cycle because nothing ever actually gets done. It’s always just talk before we wind up to the big pitch that is infighting and self righteous judgement and witch hunts. Over. And over. And over again.

I always say that the “dead from the beginning” is one of my favorite tropes, never really thought I’d be experiencing the irony of living it with this “community”.

The straw house is already burned down, there is no building it back up again.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, I am 16 years old. I have taken many tests, and read your blogs and descriptions about the Cognitive Functions and processes. I have narrowed my decisions down to two types. INTP AND ISTP. If you are able to find it, I could your advice as a resource to help me find my official type.

Dominant Ti- INTP and ISTP argument.

Between the ages of 6-12 and before some steess happened to me, I was a very curious child, watching many videos about how things worked, many History and Science Vids just to learn for fun. I tend to notice inconsistencies with data, and real life systems such as schools. Additionally, I also tend to have my own framework on how the world works. Such as me thinking that relationships are like an abstract system were you have to stabilize it at all angles to keep it running. I also think that many concepts like Newtons Laws can be applicable to many things like relationships . Like the 3rd Law where for every reaction, there is an equal and opposite reaction. A good example of this is that the more you love the person in a relationship, the more it will hurt when you break up. My one family member, who is an ISTJ btw told me that my logic makes sense and that it is kind of weird. I also have the thinking that School is just a chore, and that School is not real knowledge to me. I also tend to like to analyze things I am interested in such as Personality Theory, History, Science, and Math and knowing how they were formed and how it happened so I can expand my logical framework into a rich innerworld full of knowledge.

Inferior Fe-

One time when I got stressed, mainly due to me not reading social ques well which caused me to get used. I started getting so clingy to people, which caused people to become distant from me, which I didnt know was bad. I also had an emotional breakdown in front of my friend because I failed to admit that my crush didnt like me, which caused me to lose that friend. Recently, after a friend and I started growing distant, I started becoming so paranoid about how other people percieve me, which caused me to have a fear that people will laugh at me and betray me. During that time, I suddenly got stressed, and then went outside to be agressively social to someone I didnt know by cussing and emphasising logic to an extreme. I also noticed that it was harder for me to think, mainly due to the fact that I am so paranoid about others. But before that, I had an expierence where I got jealous, which caused me to suddenly want to get involved in a family friends personal business, by asking for their phone number via their parents, just so I can get invasive and make them feel uncomfy. I tend to want to have socially interactions, but I tend to fail at them due to how awkward I was.

INTP Argument Aux Ne and Tert Si argument:

I also noticed, that not only did I learn about many topics like history and science by watching videos. I also tend to make up my fictional World Wars, drawing maps based on those in the videos, and even coming up with new ways I believe the worlds problems could be fix. I tend to also find bizarre connections to things, such as me connecting Physics and Relationships, two things I somehow connected, even though they are not related to each other. I also tend to easily jump from topic to topic when talking to people about my ideas and even having normal conversations. Additionally, I seem to get really energized when brainstorming about all the possibilities, which to others can seem kinda quirky. I also tend to have a problem sticking to one possibility sometimes, due to the fact I can easily accept other possible theorys, even though it is not likely to happen. My Si shows up as me having vivid memories of things like dates. However my Si can be somewhat inconsistent due to the fact that somedays, I can be great with memories while on other days, I cant even remember where I sit in class. My Si kinda somewhat developed, thanks to my family member who is an ISTJ. She forced me to somewhat develop it because she tends to punish me for forgetting habits, routines, and chores by taking away my phone for 2 hours.

ISTP Argument Aux Se and Tert Ni

At the Age of 13, I suddenly was more active. I started playing tennis as a sport, and wanted to explore the world more by trying out new things around me. I also got less picky with food, and suddenly wanted to start trying things with a lot of topics despite me not liking those things in the past. I also started acting before thinking just for me to experience things. One time, I suddenly had a hunch that caused me to accuretly guess my friends birthday. I felt like I was in a Ti-Ni loop one time, where I was so obsessed about the future, that I slowed got less interested in staying present, and suddenly started worring more about the future.

-----------------------

Several problems with your submission:

- Overall, my impression is you don't have very deep knowledge of yourself. While some of this can be chalked up to youth, you also didn't follow the submission instructions properly, so you haven't done enough self-reflection. Remember, I'm only able to see what you're able to show, and you haven't shown enough, barely scratched the surface.

- Your descriptions of T and N overlap too much for comfort. I don't know if this is due to not understanding the difference conceptually, not being able to spot the difference in yourself, or a combination of both. Until you are able to disentangle the two cognitive processes, the dominant function remains unclear, which means it will be very difficult for the rest of the stack to snap into place.

- A lot of people, especially introverts, are socially awkward/inept but it doesn't mean they have inferior Fe - do not confuse the two. Until you are able to clarify the reasons for and/or explain the psychological mechanisms underlying your socializing issues, inferior Fe remains unproven. Additionally, there's a lot more to Fe than socializing. Until you have a better understanding of what Fe is and what exact role it plays in your mind in relation to the other functions, its stack position remains up in the air.

- The auxiliary and tertiary function descriptions were unhelpful due to lacking detailed examples and not providing exactly the information I asked for in the guide. ISTP seems unlikely, though.

Generally speaking, I need to reach >95% confidence before I'm willing to confirm or disconfirm a possibility. Unfortunately, since none of the stack positions are clear, your submission does not meet my threshold as sufficient proof of INTP, nor does it allow me to rule it out.

[sweetandmeat]

whole little story i wrote in my friend’s dms between bob and miles while half asleep vv 

how bob and miles meet: bob sees miles as the next victim of his general escapades of being a cannibal, but when infodumping to miles he corrects him actually, and bob gets curious about what he knows so what Was a near deadly scenario turns into a surprisingly pleasant conversation, bob reclining onto a wall while miles recomposes himself while listing off anatomy facts to a very fascinated bob.

they part ways, and only find eachother again at random intervals around the town later on. the town isnt too big, so it's not to hard to crash into someone you may know, even if its a serial killer outside of his usual attire, recognized by voice alone.

they get to talking, get to know eachother, and bob invites miles to the decrepit isolated SHITTY apartments he lives in and miles is like dude. Nah. NAH. rents getting harsh for me do you maybe? want to move in? the company would be nice. plus you get anatomy facts all day everyday. HOWEVER, chill out a little with the killing. i see a new vody in the newspapers almost every fuckin day dude!

so they now live together and dont Actually talk that much. bob does his own thing whereas being an intern in a hospital is Long hours. he comes home more and more worn out constantly. one week it is SO BAD he gets maybe 10 whole hours of sleep in three days and is having THE WORST constant mental breakdown in his life.

bob, NOT one to usually ask about the mental state of others is even pretty worried. dude barely talks anymore just sleeps and goes to work so hes like awh shit ok. Whats going on. and miles is at his wits end and EXPLODES in all his pent up fear and anger. job is considering kicking him out since he cant keep up with the same resilience as the other interns and residency is almost at his doorstep but hes Struggling to assist and nearly fucked up in the OR and hes SOOOO tired. he can't solve an issue to a patient they've opened up with a pulmonary issue that everyone is stumped with and he's got the feeling that if he gets taken off the care list for this patient he's going to be out of a job soon or WORSE. he's paranoid about being blacklisting from the medical field (but that's pure paranoia talking)

bob just kinda is at a loss. he doesnt really kniw how to soothe these things super well other than like a hug or cuddling but when it comes to Words or other actions he falls short. so he asks what he could possibly do. and miles is like "UGH i dunno man  i just fucking WISH i could just stare at some fuckin lungs to try and figure iut what i can do for this patient. cause if not im a goner, and you wouldve wasted your time Not eating me four months ago." and bobs like oh. I Can Do That

next day miles comes home to a whole pair of lungs on the dinner table NOT PRESERVED AT ALL stinking up the place. he hates it but its not Much worse than the usual smell of an OR so after the initial "WHAT THE FUCK" moment he looks over to an eager (but also oddly nervous) looking bob and gets to work dissecting the lungs to figure his predicament out.

it helps! A LOT! he actually thinks he has a solid course of action and fir the first time in about a month he gets a SOMEWHAT ok amt of sleep in preparation to pitch his idea to his residents

it goes well, and now he's feeling a little better. but now hes got his next case, and bobs on it again to retrieve another organ. rinse and repeat! suddenly miles is no longer struggling to keep up with his other interns and hes doing Good (to the surpriseof all of his coworkers and Annoyance of a few shitheads). it raises a few eyebrows but they ultimately just see it as a "fuck. now this guys a contender for residency Too. ugh w/e."

AND THEN. bob gets arrested. he isnt seen for a few years, and miles is So worried for a good year before his saddness kinda fades into the background.  he knows what happened but hes just, Sad. and he kinda saw it coming. but no tracks led back to him, which was surprising since bob seemed very Ride Or Die about everything.

SO. miles continues on. life as usual, he's finally a resident he's doing well he's got a house for himself now though it's still just him in it. and them the events of tender treats happens. and theres a Corpse knocking on his front door. a LITERAL corpse. bullet wounds, tire tracks, severe burns and all and miles is like WHAT THE FUCK!!!

bob just kinda hobbles in, and lays down on the couch. miles FRANTICALLY fishing out his firstaid kit and it stiching uo everything and putting ointment pretty much Everywhere he can and wrapping wounds the WHOLE nine yards. hes freaking out about the bullet wounds and while fishing it out bob is just like Hissing in rage about how his night went. tensions are high and miles keeps SCOLDING the guy until he snaps and they start arguing BUT not for long

its out of worry. and miles bites back i "THATS IT! i know all aggression comes from fear so WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF?!" and bob shouts back that hes TERRIFIED of being forgotten. he doesnt care HOW he's remembered he was just horrified and scared of being forgotten by the town. and ESPECIALLY scared of being forgotten by miles. everything falls silent, and after miles double and triple checks bobs wounds they fall asleep together on that couch

next day they catch up! bob doesnt have much to say, he just spent all his time in solitary confinement, what he Does say is what he was up to when they lived together that first time. he got tangled in the cults shenanigans, and was offered the amulet. he was essentially being used as a distractor for the cult, all eyes would be on the cannibal killer running amok so no one would pay attention to the far more calculated and discreet actions of the cult. he got to do what he wabted, they got to do what they wanted. the amulet just insured that hed be able to do it for Far longer, not having to worry abour death as much. he became NEAR impossible. which also meant he didnt actually follow miles' rule of "dont start shit as often." he earned a smack on the head when recounting that one

the amulet, THOUGH it got damaged, insured he stayed alive even after that second encounter with the police in tender treats, but its healing properties were gone, so he tanked all the attacks and Felt it all. hence the corpse at miles' doorstep.

miles forces him to lay low at his place and NO MORE KILLING. (bob doesnt listen to that last one really, but his attacks are incredibly sparse now) and they have hot gay sex now yippee end of story (for now)

[eggcats]

I've thought of another shenanigan with Vox having a breakdown and Alastor wanting to ban the internet, except this time focusing on biphobia.

(Why do I enjoy making this poor television cry so often, lol).

Like, Vox discovers what being bisexual is, and he's like Holy Shit it has a name! And OBVIOUSLY being stoked (as he should) and wanting to learn more. He tells Alastor about it, and Alastor is happy Vox is happy.

(Alastor doesn't care about figuring out his sexuality for himself, because like I said before, he's fine with his relationship so he doesn't have any real need to explore further, but he's happy his picture box is happy. I think this scene might happen before the Cat 5 acearo incident, but I'm not sure).

Except after Vox begins learning and researching more on being bisexual, he suddenly runs into a Ton of biphobia. People claiming they're unfaithful, "dirty" for having been with the other gender, "need to pick a side," etc - just all the popular gross shit people say about it. And it makes Vox paranoid that Alastor thinks the same about him.

So, he stops talking about it entirely and changes the subject when Alastor asks about it (because literally the day before, it's all Vox talked about). He starts going out of his way to try to "prove" to Alastor that he's faithful and never brings up the wife he had when he was alive or anything that ever implies he is or has ever been attracted to women, so Alastor hopefully forgets and doesn't think him "tainted" or something.

Once again, it eventually causes a breakdown (both in Vox, and their relationship), and Rosie winds up being the mediator (as per usual).

When Alastor finds out all the horrible things Vox has been thinking about himself, and where he learned it from, he (temporarily) breaks the internet entirely in outrage. He only relents and allows it to be used again when Vox convinces him to, but Alastor makes a PSA on his radio show that anyone he hears saying such things WILL be a special guest on his show.

Vox, still partially crying after his breakdown: B-but, I like women too? Don't you think I'm just gonna leave you for one???

Alastor, confused: If I were concerned about that, would I not also be concerned about you leaving me for a man, as well?

Vox: But....I mean, don't you think I should choose a side?

Alastor: Darling, you HAVE chosen a side, you've decided to be with me?

Vox, caught between laughing and crying: No, fuck, I mean, like only one gender to be attracted to because too many makes me more likely to cheat?

Alastor, even more confused: I fail to see how that has any correlation when being faithful is a choice you make. I mean, after all, I guarantee my father was not attracted to men as well as women, and yet that did not cause him to be any more faithful to my mother. Why would I be concerned about your fidelity now, when we've been together for years?

Vox, now finally calming down: But...I mean. You're only attracted to men, so don't you think it's weird for me-

Alastor, cutting him off, looking offended: I am NOT attracted to men.

Vox: I...uh? What about me?

Alastor: Yes, dear, you. I am hardly interested in any other men, or women for that matter, in a similar way.

Also, with Rosie's help (because they are bad at communicating), she brings up Alastor's possessiveness so Alastor can reassure Vox that him being possessive and not wanting anyone to dare look at him isn't because he thinks Vox will cheat, but rather that he doesn't like anyone looking at Vox in any kind of way.

And then, after the future category 5 acearo incident, Vox can incorporate corporate pride and use it to raise his profits. Both him and Alastor now have words for themselves, and maybe Vox can finally stop letting the internet dictate his relationship (Alastor desperately hopes).

Alastor hates modern technology, not because he hates progress or moving forward but because somehow it keeps fucking up his relationship and he'd like just a single moment of peace where Vox isn't somehow convinced he hates him or something. This happened much less often before the invention of the internet, and he's never forgiven it for this.

I'm fairly sure that in my Housewife Vox AU, Alastor knows he's asexual (and maybe aromantic) because there is NO WAY Vox isn't logged the fuck in and celebrating pride in hell (he's also the embodiment of corporate pride tbh, if he can use it to scam people out of money he WILL)

The second Vox learns what being bisexual is, he immediately did research on everything for both him and Alastor, since none of this information was available when he was alive and Alastor doesn't care enough to look it up for himself (he doesn't feel the need, he's fine with his afterlife and where he's at and his relationship)

However, they're both fucking idiots who will always be bad at communicating, so when Vox DOES learn about being ace/aro it causes a Category 5 Incident because, rather than TALKING with Alastor about any of that, he just ASSUMES that this means that (somehow) he's forced Alastor into their relationship together and that Alastor secretly hates having to kiss and have sex with him

And Vox, of fucking course, doesn't SAY any of this to Alastor, so he just stops initiating anything and any time Vox does want affection or intimacy and Alastor catches on, Vox shoves him away and avoids him

This, obviously, confuses and worries the FUCK out of Alastor because he has absolutely 0 idea what he even DID to make Vox mad at him (and doing his normal "get out of trouble" card of flirting with Vox and turning Vox on isn't working and seems to be making it worse????)

It only gets resolved when (OBVIOUSLY) Rosie forces these idiots to talk to each other, and it comes out that Vox thinks he's somehow manipulated Alastor into their relationship and forces him to do things he doesn't want to do

Vox: I mean, I tell you to kiss me, and when I want to have sex and intimacy, so clearly I'm forcing you to do it!

Alastor, eye twitching, trying not to strangle his picture box: Darling, I've told you since your first year here that I enjoy doing those things With You Specifically, and that I both need AND want you to tell me when you want so I can DO THEM since I don't have the desire to on my own

Vox, sheepish: Oh, right....

Alastor, being forced into doing breathing exercises by Rosie: Did you think you also, somehow, forced me to go into rut?

Vox, hiding his face: I GET IT OKAY

(Rosie smacks Vox for all this because, for once, it's not even Alastor's fault for not communicating, it's HIS. How they're both still so bad at this after years together, she'll never know).

After all that drama, Alastor does (eventually) learn about asexuality and aromanticism, but it took a while because Vox just read the baseline definition and Spiraled instead of talking with Alastor first. If Alastor could have banned the internet after this, he would have.

[lifesfeelings]

The Rest of October

I really want to make some posts that summarizes the last few months and my experiences teaching and moving and all the craziness of starting over; but, with that being said, October sucks shit and I really need to just vent about the shitty right now... I mean, first of all, the break up of course. It has not been pretty... I think I posted on Sunday about it? This is the first day I haven't had a full breakdown, so that's fun! I think I literally cried for like 3-4 of my waking hours yesterday, and Monday was a fucking nightmare. It's just so disproportional and crazy, and my rational brain can see that, but my emotional brain is struggling fucking HARD losing Sebastian... From all this, I think I've realized October is my least favorite month. I feel like I've just had shitty ass luck every year during this month. This month alone, so in the last 11 days, I have: 1) Got broken up with 2) my grandma's remains got buried in her hometown 3) the year anniversary of her passing is tomorrow 4) my car broke down on Monday, so that's $400+ to get my alternator back up and running 5) midterms and classes are getting heavy asf all of a sudden, and I have literally NO physical capability to focus. Time to think just devolves into a breakdown about Sebastian. 6) I had planned to go see family for the first time since I moved this weekend, and now because of my car, I won't be able to get there in time... It literally just feels like the universe just keeps kicking. I am a bitch that tries the universe constantly, and I've always said me and her get along. I wasn't afraid of bad things happening, because honestly? nothing *bad* ever happens to me, and when it does, it's usually isolated and I am a professional at bottling and putting it away where I don't have to see it. And now I feel like my faith in the world itself is shaken. I feel like I'm almost paranoid now, and I'm constantly looking/waiting for that next kick. I'm headed down a really bad place mentally... I've been relying heavily on nicotine and weed to get me through, and I know I need to take a step back, but it feels like the only thing that can quiet everything. I just need things to stop for a little while. I just wish I could return to who I was a week and a half ago. It feels like my mental state, my life, my relationships, my outlooks have all just suddenly flipped. I'm not doing great...

10.11.23

[do-not-interact-1]

man, if you went back in time and told 6th grade me what high school would look like—

“so it starts off with a pandemic. don’t leave the house. then there’s the paralyzing social anxiety. yeah no you can’t go to the store without picking your hands apart from fear. anyways then you fell in love with your best friend—no, not her, she’s accidentally ghosting you, you’re OTHER best friend—then experience depression for the first time ever. cool, huh? after that you meet this one guy who you almost date! but then you think that you’re a lesbian for half a second so you turn him down and later cut him off after he’s kinda mean to you. then it turns out that he’s kind of disgusting and really weird and rapey. so then you have a pretty good year until the depression hits AGAIN, except this time it’s worse. but it goes away. then you fall for the girl you hate at the moment, kay? and you’re really gay and mopey about it. so cut to four months later and the depression is the worst its ever been, and you start making yourself to throw up as a weird form of self harm. you really want to die but you’re afraid of killing yourself and you don’t want to hurt the people around you. but then season four of stranger things comes out and your depression gets better! and you accidentally tell your best friend you were in love with that you used to be in love with her, but she doesn’t notice. anyways later this summer you stay up until 4 in the morning to talk to the girl you currently like—yeah the one you hate—because she’s in europe and you’re gay and have a massive crush. yeah also this is only like halfway through high school. then comes junior year and it seems like it’s going pretty good! you drink for the first time, that’s kinda cool. you’re a massive lightweight. but then, in december, the girl you’ve been pining after for 10 months kisses you!! and you start dating!!! and you come out to her as trans and it goes really well!!! oh yeah you’re trans btw. just so you know. but then you kinda blow her off a ton because of bad anxiety. oh and also a couple months earlier you had a paranoid breakdown in your basement during a sleepover. yeah you thought there were shadow creatures trying to take you. then had another one a couple days later and called it the Fear. yeah the capital F is important. anyways fast forward i think you’re in love and you tell her (well she tells you first because she loves you too) and then later on in may you’re a hot mess and start to starve yourself and cut yourself but only a little bit because she tells you that she can’t be with you if you’re going to keep going like this and it snaps you out of it and you realize how fucked up what you’re doing is and you desperately want to live. then comes the hallucinations—yeah, you realize that the “hypnogogic hallucinations” was just plain old hearing things—and you have more paranoid episodes! and then you go to new york city alone and it gets WORSE!!!! and THEN you go to a music festival and your girlfriend tells you that you’ve been losing weight and you realize oh shit the eating disorder actually isn’t fixed and then you have to tell your parents or else her mom will tell them and nobody wants that. anyways now you’re a senior hashtag pogchamp have fun with those voices and “thoughts” that won’t go away because they’ve gotten a lot worse—what? wait why are you crying?”

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

okay, really stupid vent incoming: idk why i'm thinking about this (again) but i feel so bad about the fact that i have a lot of money saved but have barely worked in my life...

ok, so. first job i ever had, i worked from december 2019 to march 2020. i ended up leaving bc the place shut down temporarily for a few months bc of covid. during most of those months, i collected unemployment bc they were offering it for ppl whose jobs were closed bc of covid. that + the stimulus checks are where i got most of my savings. when they reopened, i ended up not going back when they offered bc i didn't like the job that much.

since then, only other job i had was at the same place (different area tho) but i worked there for only like 2 or 3 months (september 2022 - december 2022 i think?) before i suddenly quit without notice over email bc i was practically having a mental breakdown. i think the stress from college + anxiety from the job + the fact i was sick contributed to why i did that but still... i still feel so bad about that btw bc they were nice to me and i did... that. what an asshole/loser move of me...

but yeah, i feel so bad about this. i feel like a bum and a loser bc i haven't been able to keep a job for very long and i have all this money that i barely worked for... i guess it's not really my fault but still.

i've helped my parents and brother with stuff with the money so i guess that's good but again, still.

also i feel like my parents are secretly disappointed in me bc of this. they've never said or implied anything (much) but i'm paranoid that they are. my brother has had two jobs, still at one currently, and he's lasted more months than i did. at least ik they're happy i'm going to community college (finally).

i'm gonna try to get a summer job this year but i kinda doubt i'll get one, i didn't last year. :/ (that's why i ended up with a job during september-december)

ik there's nothing i can really do about it bc even if i got a job, it's not like i'd be "earning" the money i do have, i'd just be getting more money... idk.

sorry, this is so fucking stupid and like, the most first-world problems thing ever, i shouldn't even be complaing i should be grateful and i am grateful, but i also feel so guilty about it, idk why... sorry, just had to let that out