#it was the the only thing keeping me from paranoid breakdowns for years

[yandereunsolved]

"Don't Stop Me Now" — Five situations where yandere Five loses it

cw(s): yandere themes, non-descriptive self harm, mention of suicide and domestic violence

1 — someone ✗ something is trying to harm you

Pretty straightforward. 

This is the numero uno that comes along with every yandere.  

Five grew up with an abusive, emotionally absent father figure. He was pushed to be the best, the most successful of his siblings, just for an ounce of affection. He was isolated for so many years with nothing more than a department store doll. He has had to put away whatever loose morals he had to slave away in The Comission.

Then you come along and brighten up his life. No, you do more than that. You perfect it. 

Then someone comes and tries to strip that away from him?

It's safe to say you've only seen that crazed look in his eyes when you're in danger. He doesn't care about whatever mission, the greater good, or whatever the fuck when you may end up being killed. He's swift and merciless, just as he was taught. 

After he makes sure you are okay, he'll hold you to his chest for what feels like forever. He just needs to become secure again in the fact you are alive. You are here with him right now. It helps ground him so he doesn't end up going about on a killing spree. 

Yes. That has happened one too many times. 

Klaus now knows not to joke about random people flirting with you. Their spirits won't stop harassing him. In his defense, how was he supposed to know Five would just go out and slowly torture them before letting them waste away into death? Klaus didn't think Five was that unhinged. He knows better now.

2 — you harm yourself (in any way)

He keeps an observant eye on you, so it would be a miracle if you managed to accomplish anything along those lines. 

Two words. no. more. 

He has the internal breakdown. He's just standing there and staring at you. There are tears in his eyes. He wants to yell, to freak out, but his voice cracks far too much when he tries to reprimand you. 

No. Just no. 

That's the only word that encapsulates how he feels. 

He is not going to allow you to hold any sharp objects. He makes sure you have no contact with Diego. Five is paranoid and suspects that Diego had something to do with this. Somehow. 

You are more strictly monitored. 

He has an entire list of mental and physical health questions he asks you each morning. If you tell him to leave you alone or that you are tired, there's about a seventy percent chance that he'll go off. It would definitely be in a Five way. 

He'd be teleporting around you and sputtering out statistics and caring yet demeaning words. 

3 — keeping him out of the loop

Five is meticulous. 

When you keep him out of the loop—which could mean not saying good morning to him or hiding a romantic relationship—he feels so powerless again. He needs to know what is going on with you so he can protect you if need be. 

Don't even try to argue with him. 

He's older than you, so he knows best. 

He has so much more experience at anything and everything. He can solve all of your problems if you just let him in. 

Does that mean he will do the same in return? No. 

There's no reason for you to know what he is doing at any point of the day. You don't need to worry your pretty little head about it. Aka, he's doing things that are morally gray at best and human rights violations at... that's still one of the better cases. 

Just tell him. Or he'll force it out of you.

4 — things being out of his control

This ties in with every other scenario. 

He needs to be in control.

Everything has to be perfect. 

If one thing goes wrong, then you may slip through his fingers. 

That isn't allowed to happen. It can't. 

It eats away at him at night to think something could happen that he can't control. 

The apocalypse happened, and he had to spend decades just accepting that fact. Until there was a chance he could change it. 

Now he has to. He has to change, sort, and neatly put away everything. No speck of dust is out of place. If it is, then he'll end up pushing himself into fixing it, to the point of exhaustion or death—whichever comes first.

5 — escaping successfully

The only time there is a plausible chance he will resort to physical violence. 

Why, why, why, why, why, why!?

How could he be so idiotic? How did you do it? Who helped you? 

Whoever helped you is going to die if they haven't already killed themselves because they know Five is going to be coming after them. 

He will act nonchalant, like he is in control, when he finally finds you once again. He'll tease, poke, and prod at your fear, like a ringmaster taming their lion. A part of this act is the truth. He has you back, and now everything can go back to how it was. The other part of him is still devastated and wants to curl up in your lap and just be safe there.

Yandere Five: fragile—handle with care.  

✗ @clarioscharm

[aweebshitdrawings]

Okay so yall know how we keep turning Stan into animals and I already drew up a fox Stan and with the white hair he reminded me of a Kistune.

But what if after spending 5 years on the road he dies (let’s say from the car chewing) and get turned into a Kistune, (the god of yokai thinking Stan would make a good yokai) so he’s still roaming around and technically alive just not human

Plus he got the power to shapeshift

Mainly turn from Human to Fox but also change into a child or senior version of himself, plus he can change is form to male to female cause why not lol and he can possess people he just perfs not to.

Can control fire, and while he hides his tail and ears most of the time they do pop out sometimes when he is embarrassed or emotion are high

But his other transformation react to his emotions as well, like if he gets to sad he might turn to his child form without realizing it so he as to learn to keep his emotions in check so he can still look human and keep the whole yokai thing a secret.

While he dose interact with other yokai he can only go to the spirt world (yokai land) once a month sense he was made into a yokai and wasn’t “born” one as he was human once. But all the other yokai that were once human are pretty nice to him and he makes some good friends

Also he gets his name out there by being able to steal high value “human” goods and trades them for cool things he think ford might like

Now when dose he meet Ford come in you might ask…

Well ford goes through his normal route, except…no bill (sorry I couldn’t think how to beat him plus I’m not that good at writing lol, plus it’s hard to think of paranoid ford not trying to kill Stan sense Stan is technically a demon)

BUT there WILL be angst because Stan at this point has not been seen or heard in 8 years, and when Fiddleford finds out about Stan and how ford hasn’t talk to him you KNOW that southern family man gonna tell him he needs to see his twin and get his head out of his own ass.

So ford calls his mom but they haven’t heard from him in in 4 years (Stan called her year before he died) so ford dose the only thing he can think of…. Ask a magical all knowing mail box where his brother is but he doesn’t ask that exact he ask “how is Stan” and then on the same paper “where is he”, it responds “ dead and in a better place’ ( Stan was in yokai world when ford ask this)

Ford can’t believe it …..and he won’t, he the ask “where did Stan die, and how?” The mailbox showing the location of the car where Stan was trapped.

After some EMOTIONAL shit Ford travels to the location only to see the beat up car and there’s a person there….but why would someone be out here in the middle of the desert… unless….

The person turns his head to see the same face he looks at in the mirror except his hair is longer and he looks older and the other man opens his mouth to say “ Sixer…?”

Queue ford thinking Stan is a ghost and wondering how haunting a car is a “better place” and Stan having to not breakdown at the fact his brother showed up to his “grave” on the one day Stan goes to see it and that Ford might actually give a shit about him.

While Stan try’s to hide the facts he’s isn’t human anymore ford catches that on real quick that Stan is not human and the ever paranoid man thinks this is some dessert hallucination but Stan gets fed up and punches him straight in the jaw while saying “THIS FEEL REAL ASSHOLE”!!!

Then ford run into Stan with a fierce hug and starts to cry and Stan well Stan doesn’t know what to do, he’s been having to stunt his emotions for 3 years now and know his brother, his twin, his hugging him, crying and apologizing to him and….. it’s so much that he can’t handle it

While in the hug ford hear a “poof” and suddenly Stan is gone but a quick look down sees that…it’s still Stan but when his was 12 and …. He’s crying and ford without a second thought grabs Stan and holds him, holds him like if lets go he’ll be gone and they stay that way till Stan is done

After they’re done crying stan turns back to his normal self and explains what happened, while ford is horrified and feel guilty about the situation he also is glad to know that his brother is still here and of course offers him to stay with him in gravity falls

So you have Stan going on adventures with ford and protecting him also showing and telling ford about yokai and bringing him to the yokai world at one point, and for showing Stan some of the crazy things he’s seen and Fidds is there to and Emma May (they move to gravity falls with Ford)

Now

Feel free to change anything about this concept or story and use it to how ever you like, just make sure to tell me about it because I can’t write but I’d love for someone who can to write something with this

[i-am-xp-64]

*SLAPS Y'ALL THIS EMO GUY RANDOMLY*

Name: Walt hile

Age: 37

Gender: male, (transman)

Story:

Walt hile is the brother of Harley and hart, the different to them were he never had a close knowing either to the cult, the breakthrough lab or tab, one day after years of having to be distant from his sisters, he decide to go find them again, only to find hart's apartment being crashed after the fire and Harley still being known to the neighborhood as missing, while Walt was in the edge of giving up, he met kaski who were just going back home, coincidencely walt asking about hart and Harley, kaski told Walt where they are and how they are now, walt went over to see his sisters being mentally and damagely attacked in two different ways (one is burning and the other is being smashed by a tv), but overall he was happy to see his sisters again, not till one day as he were going to met up with his sisters again, suddenly a white guy with a covering hoodie h(we can all agree of who he is lololol), cornering him and threat him to give his wallet with a baseball bat, walt refused as the guy hit him repeatedly to his stomach with the bat, keep on threatening him as people around them just walked pass till walt faith there, walt wake up on the same side of the street, stomach bloody and bruised as the scenes of the guy beating him and people just walking pass or recording him there instead of helping, got him a trauma and mental breakdown there as he whine and cry till the street guards notice him there and took him to the hospital, after that day, walt became so paranoid of thinking why he were just left there to suffer, thinking he's the problem as he start to feel a huge self hatred through that as he start to have sleeping problems and all, one day he came to a doctor for huge headaches only to find that he were being infected by ferofluid, leaving a big black gloop to the beaten part on his stomach, knowing that the guy who beaten him up there has done this, walt became more mentally gone as he grew a fear of being hated because of this because he failed to fight back, leaving him with doing cuts and take pills, luckily after his sisters decided to check on him after him being absent for months, walt had slowly going over his fear but still hating himself for not fighting back to that guy, also hating and covering his eyes after the recording the people do walking pass him that day and the cruel comments people say about him to those post recordings on the internet, he now covers his eyes and half of his face and mostly opens it to eat things better, he not lives with his sisters in a apartment and looking for therapy somewhere.

Yippee✨🍦

Also he likes vanilla ice cream

I'm quite proud of this ngl but eh on the lore

Who ever guess who was the guy who beaten up will get a shout out from me :3

Homosexual-

[alltheboysandgirlsiloved]

The more I think about Ben's girlfriend the more shady and off it sounds. This whole thing is rotting my brain so hard that... Welcome to ✨ Ben's character breakdown in Chaos Theory and "Ben's GF" theory✨

Here is what we know about Ben in Chaos Theory that may or may not be crucial:

- he used to be in a college but is currently taking a break

- he keeps all of his necessities in his van

- he is obsessed with conspiracy theories

- he occasionally keeps in touch with the rest of the campers (knew where Darius lived, received at least one parcel from Sammy)

- has a girlfriend from Europe and it's a long distance relationship

- gets paranoid easily (refuses to use the phone because it's trackable, believes that he is followed)

Here are things we don't know for sure but are assumable:

- his obsession with conspiracy theories is at least one year old (Ben talked about it with Brooklyn when he was still in college and it sounded fairly fresh)

- he spends a lot of time traveling in his van (very possible that he has been living there for a while)

- he didn't tell anyone about his girlfriend prior to events in CT

- Brooklyn was most likely (to some degree) infected by Ben's obsession with Dark Jurassic

Other things that I noticed:

- Ben talks about his girlfriend twice and his sentences about her can be roughly divided into two categories: normal speech bubbles and awkward hesitance.

- Ben was the one who told Brooklyn about Dark Jurassic

Theory under the cut:

A lot of things about Ben's behaviour tick me off. Don't get me wrong - everything is still in character but at the same time... It feels slightly off. The girlfriend thing is what set the alarm inside my head but the more I thought about it, the more things just didn't quite click.

As I mentioned earlier, how Ben talks about his girlfriend can be divided into two categories: normal speech bubbles and awkward hesitation. When he says that he has a girlfriend and doesn't behave like Sammy it sounds normal and casual, the same when he mentions his girlfriend to Yaz - I doubt he would lie to Yaz about that. So, I think, in general, that this person (his GF) does exist, or at least Ben believes that she exists and is his girlfriend. However, it would be foolish to ignore the very awkward "she's from... Europe" - it sounds hesitant, it sounds like a lie, or even (what I'm leaning towards nowadays) sounds like a bashful admittance that Ben doesn't know much about her. Keep that in mind for now.

One of the first things we learn about Ben in CT is that he is obsessed with Dark Jurassic and conspiracy theories. While some part of it can certainly be explained by lingering trauma ("the more you know, the safer you are"), I feel like that explanation alone isn't enough. What is even more interesting is that it seems that this obsession is strong enough for him to take a break from college and move to live in a van. Not his mother (who, as far as we know, is very loving) but a van. Almost as if he wanted to reduce contact with other people to the minimum - and we actually have proof for that because he doesn't use a phone. We also have evidence that it is both a fairly new and not-that-new development. From his flashbacks, we know that Brooklyn visited him in college - which, according to my very rough estimations, probably happened around a year ago (assuming that Ben entered college at 18 (he is 20 in CT) and Brooklyn died more than six months ago)), and we also know that this is when Ben mentioned Dark Jurassic to Brooklyn.

I think the bit about Ben mentioning Dark Jurassic to Brooklyn is a very interesting detail because Brooklyn was introduced to us as someone whose presence is very rooted online. And yet it is Ben who tells Brooklyn about Dark Jurassic. Ever since he spoke to Brooklyn about that, his obsession started to expand (surely, Brooklyn's "death" only fueled that), slowly consuming every aspect of his life – he took a break from college, he decided to spend a lot of time on the road, he dedicated a lot of his time to checking conspiracy theories. He became paranoid in a sense (which he used to be prone to as proved in season 1 of Camp Cretaceous) to the point when he considered suspecting Sammy. ben double-checks everything, he tries not to stay too long in one place, he is afraid that he is being tracked (rightfully so), and yet... he is in a long-distance relationship with someone "from... Europe".

This is where my theory enters. I tried to consider every aspect of Ben's personality and also the flow of the story in Chaos Theory - where the plot is thick and full of twists and turns.

I think that it was Ben's girlfriend who nudged him in the direction of Dark Jurassic. Or even – potentially he was the first "victim" of the anti-nublar six agenda. What's the best way to keep track of all the campers? Have an insider. Ben suspected that Sammy was spying, he didn't even consider that he could be the unknowing insider. It could have played out like this: when you're in college you come across many people who know other people etc etc. One way or another Ben got into contact with his current girlfriend (I doubt they have ever met in person but I don't completely rule out this possibility). They got close, when she showed his Dark Jurassic - a website brimming with mysteries - knowing that he would be interested (Ben has trouble establishing what is "normal", he is a little lost - the more lost you are, the more desperate you are to find out "what is real, what is true", reaching even for things like conspiracy theories). The deeper Ben fell into the rabbit hole, the more anxious he was, suspicious of others too – but not of his girlfriend. Why? Because she was the one who showed Dark Jurassic to him. She showed him where he could learn more, so naturally - naturally - she is beyond suspicion, right? Because (I doubt Ben has ever even voiced those thoughts but he didn't have to voice them out, the feel them) if she had something to hide, she wouldn't encourage him to explore the world of "I should be suspicious of everything/nothing is real".

At the same time, Ben is a smart boy - but he started to realize "some things" when he was way too deep. For example, with time he realized how little he actually knew about his girlfriend. By then, he trusted her a lot so now it would be awkward to admit that there are a lot of things he doesn't know like the fact that he's not even sure where is she from. It is also important to note that considering the timeline, they have been in a relationship for a while, and yet only now do the campers learn about her - strange considering that he stays (more or less) in touch with some of them. Perhaps, one way or another, at the beginning his girlfriend suggested him to... not mention her. Just in case. In case Ben's friends wanted to know more and encouraged Ben to start asking questions – questions that could be "uncomfortable" for Ben's girlfriend. No, I think she wanted to know everything about the Nublar Six but remain mysterious in return - at least until the plan (her plan? their plan? who are they?) was in full swing. Notice how Ben doesn't use the phone right now, but I'm pretty sure that it is a new development (I'm talking months news). Why new? Because earlier, it was crucial for his girlfriend to know everything (what are his friends up to, where are they) and to fuel Ben's anxiety and paranoia. Now when the atrociraptors are actively hunting the Nublar Six, when the plan is already in development, Ben isn't as needed as he used to be (that also explains why it was Brooklyn, not Ben who was lethally targetted first – Ben was literally needed alive because he was an active naive insider + because Ben trusted his girlfriend and wasn't suspicious of her presence around the conspiracy, whilst Brooklyn could be suspicious in more dangerous ways).

So yes, right now, this theory seems to more or less tie up most of the loose ends and weird things that surround Ben. To put it briefly – Ben was manipulated - his girlfriend is real but has some sort of ulterior motives.

(and oh wouldn't it be a dramatic plot twist if the person who suspected everyone turned out to be the one who was, ultimately, delivering a lot of information to the "bad guys"?)

if you got this far - congrats tbh hahah

[starleska]

important message: if you're a Twitter user, please hop on over to Bluesky 💙

as you may know, Elon is making yet another fuck-stupid decision: to alter Twitter's block feature, allowing people you've blocked to still not be able to reply to/interact with your posts, but they can see what you've posted. obviously this is a horrible, terrifying idea, and possibly the nail in the coffin for a lot of people who've been growing increasingly frustrated, angered and upset with the way Twitter is as a social media. Bluesky is an open-network Twitter alternative which is very similar to Twitter, but without an engagement-based algorithm: the only algorithms at play are ones you have control over, by voting to see more or less of posts. it has a Tumblr-like tagging system and doesn't shove unrelated, rage-baiting content into your face: you can actually search the tags properly, including what people have tagged on their own account.

i'm one of those people who has been vocal about how bad Twitter has been for my mental health. every day, despite my efforts to make it a lovely, fun place to be, i'd still get posts talking about horrible, untagged, triggering topics, whether that be accusations of abuse or photographs of individuals who've been severely harmed or killed. it was pushing me towards a breakdown. i conducted an experiment to see how long it took scrolling down my Twitter feed to see something that made me angry, upset, or anxious, and every time, it was within ten minutes. i've been wanting to leave Twitter for so long, but didn't feel there was another option besides here. now, there is. Bluesky has gained half a million people in the last day, and that number keeps going up. people are realising what an absolute fucking hellscape Twitter has become, and how sick it's been making everyone. on Twitter, nothing is private, or sacred: everyone is furious and upset and paranoid all of the time, and you aren't allowed to escape it. you physically can't. and that is not healthy or normal. i have not heard a single favourable thing about Twitter in two years. every conversation i have with someone about it, is always, 'i wish i could quit Twitter because it's making me sick, but it's really hard.'

so far, Bluesky has been like a breath of fresh air. it feels so...unburdened. the utter lack of charged, political, aggressive tweets has me feeling off-balance. all i'm seeing is lovely art from friends, and silly posts about how much nicer it is there!! yes, Bluesky is early days and it doesn't have as many bells and whistles as Twitter, but my God the people behind it are listening to its userbase. it is a functional, clean, relaxed type of social media that i think so, so many of you would benefit from joining. so please...if you've been feeling exhausted and infuriated by the standard Musk-era Twitter has set for social media, give Bluesky a shot. you can use the Sky Follower Bridge extension to find all your pals from Twitter who are already on Bluesky! and if you want to give me a follow, i'm @starleska.bsky.social - i'd love to see you there 🥰

[disgruntleddd]

AITA for wanting to cut ties with my ex?

I (22) have been friends with my ex-fiancé (21) since we were 14. We were best friends for years and they crushed on me for ages, until we finally started going out when I was ~18. We were each other's firsts and we got engaged when I was 20 and they were 19. We moved in together when I was 21 and they were 20.

Last November (six-ish months ago now, jeez, time flies) they broke up with me. They were sexually assaulted in a club and told me that the experience made them realize that they want to be more upfront with their boundaries and desires. They don't think we're compatible like that and wanted to date someone more similar to themselves while still being my best friend, like we were before.

For a while, I tried to make it work even though I was absolutely miserable being around them knowing that what we had was gone. They had an online friend, we'll call him D (24), who they'd grown close to over the course of the year or so we'd lived together. Well, they already had a visit planned months in advance for D to come out and stay in our apartment for two weeks. They told me that they were romantically interested in D, and wanted to see how things went in person. I didn't want to ask them to cancel such an expensive trip so short notice, so I sucked it up. At the time, I expressed that I wanted D to sleep on our fold-out couch (we have a two-bedroom, and they got their own bed after the breakup) but they told me that who they invite into their bed is none of my business.

Anyway, so, my ex lied to me. Turned out that they'd already been dating D for a couple of weeks before the visit took place. The walls are not thick so I heard them fucking more than once. My ex invited me out to drink with them and I ended up crying because it was really painful to watch them hang off of someone else and loudly make jokes about all the sex they were going to have later.

Fast forward a couple of months, and D gets kicked out of his apartment and needs somewhere to live. This is where shit hits the fan, and what prompted this post.

D has never liked me, although he tries very hard in a shallow way to make me like him. (I think it's an anxiety thing — he wants me to like him because then I feel less threatening, not because he actually cares about getting to know me, you know?) I overheard a phone conversation between Ex and D where he was ranting about how I have no friends because I'm such an unlikeable bitch, I'm never going to change or improve myself, he fucking hates me, I'm a narcissist, Ex needs to move out and cut ties with me because I'm so toxic, blah blah blah. D also has schizophrenia, multiple personalities due to severe childhood trauma, he age-regresses (constantly; his default mental age is ~17), and he's an alcoholic. All of this to say that he is a very paranoid and depressed person.

(Side note: I expressly told my ex that I didn't want him to stay in our apartment. They said that they understood and assured me it would only be for a few days while they found him a place. It's been ~3 weeks now, and he's still here.)

I was woken up one night a week ago by my ex and D having a very loud conversation about suicide. D was having a mental breakdown/panic attack and ex was actively having to keep him away from pills and knifes. I laid in my bedroom and listened to D describe a fantasy in which he takes a gun and blows his brains out in front of me — apparently because I am a huge source of depression and anxiety for him, on account of me not liking him.

I don't believe I've been mean to D. I simply don't care about him. I do my best to not acknowledge him/pretend he doesn't exist. My ex disagrees.

They claim I've been outwardly cruel to him and that my hostility is the reason for his near suicide-attempt. They called me all sorts of names and pinned the blame almost entirely on me.

That night of the panic attack, I also became anxious that D would try to do something to hurt me or my two cats. (He has a history of animal abuse/murder.) I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife to sleep with because I was too tense to get back to sleep.

Well, D found out about the knife and apparently he is now terrified that I'm going to do something to him (and he could have only known about it if my ex told him, as he does not enter my room EVER), which my ex also blames on me.

My ex made the decision to break our lease and move out around a month ago. Rather than find a new roommate, I decided to get a small one bedroom apartment for myself. My ex seems upset about this. I told them blatantly that I don't want to see each other or even communicate once the move is completed, which I don't think they've grasped. They keep making remarks about trying to stay in contact or me visiting them at their new place.

I am a college student and I have a job. I have missed three of my morning classes this month already because my ex and D both like to stay up late at night and play games in the living room and/or drink together. They both talk very loudly and this can go on until 2 in the morning. It's nearly impossible for me to relax and sleep with their constant activity. I also do the dishes, feed the pets, clean up after them, sweep, take out the trash, throw away the beer cans they both leave everywhere, hell, I've even done their laundry.

The only thing my ex does is cook occasionally, which they seem to think is an effort towards our friendship, when they consistently prioritize D's dietary desires over mine, never help me with my groceries, and when they order food, never get anything for me. If there is enough food for three, then they will offer me some. That's about it.

They make no effort to spend time with me and actively avoid having difficult conversations while at the same time accusing me of moving out because I'm "running away from my problems." They want to be both my best friend and a good husband.

Oh, yeah. Ex and D are married as of last week, ish. No idea why. Not my problem.

But, the way I see it, it is functionally impossible for Ex to prioritize someone as high-maintenance as their new husband AND be my friend at the same time, considering all of the emotional conflicts going on in our fucked up little situation here.

(Side note: all of this is IGNORING the 3k my ex owes my parents, as they helped us both out when my ex lost their job last year. My ex told me that they're frustrated because it feels like my family is "ganging up" on them, and that they were under the impression my parents would just forgive the money and all of us could part ways on good terms. I have literally no idea where they got THAT impression.)

I feel ignored and underappreciated. I am also fairly confident that I'm being gaslit, as Ex constantly blames me for my feelings AND for D's feelings. I am posting this now because I legitimately cannot tell if I'm overreacting or not. Ex makes me doubt my thoughts and the validity of my actions. (RE: the knife incident, they chastised me for scaring D all because I was "paranoid," when I brought up the phone call I overheard, Ex told me that D was just drunk/angry and didn't really mean it, the last time I complained about them both being noisy (during sex) it was brushed off as me being bitter that I'm still single, etc)

I know that Ex is also stressed and dealing with a lot. Am I being too harsh? Am I overthinking this? Should I buckle down and try to make it work? I've been friends with them for ⅓ of my life — they've been with me through my worst and my best. So much of who I am is shaped by them. I don't want to give that up, but I also think that maybe I need to if I'm ever going to improve myself/my mental state.

I am legitimately looking forward to moving out on my own, being responsible only for myself, only cleaning up my own messes, focusing on work and school and potentially maybe even making some new friends. I don't want Ex in my life anymore, I just want to put the last year behind me, and I think they know that — they're just in denial. They want to have their cake and eat it, too.

[stuckinuniformdevelopment]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) Bert uneasily watched as Teddy abruptly started checking his door and vents for… whatever. Well, he was glad that Teddy was such a cautious person, but Bert couldn’t help but think how paranoid someone in his position must be. “You don’t have to do…” Bert trailed off before finishing his sentence, figuring that letting Teddy do his checks would help him have a little peace of mind. Finally, upon Teddy’s frantic admission, Bert was taken aback. He could do nothing but hold on to Sherri Jr and watch as his dear friend struggled through a breakdown as he tried to explain himself. Once Teddy sat down in a stool at the counter, Bert set Sherri Jr down with a pat on the head before walking towards him. He was tempted to give him a comforting hug or maybe a back pat, but Teddy’s abrupt upright jolt and pained inhale deterred him. Bert did not miss the weird ridged ways Teddy was moving that evening. He wondered if it had anything to do with his secretive “sickness.” Bert heaved a heavy sigh, and retrieved a tissue box from a nearby drawer to set in front of his friend. Bert then sat down on the stool beside him. And while it was what Teddy wanted to avoid, Bert was filled with a profound, immense guilt. He would’ve felt this guilt regardless of how Teddy delivered this news. Bert was quiet while a million thoughts raced through his head, none of them suitable to say out loud. Did Teddy think he was his personal assassin or something? What the hell was he thinking? Why go through all this trouble for some guy he’d only been friends with for like, maybe a year? Among his many thoughts, one finally slipped out of Bert’s mouth. “You’re still there, stuck… Because of me…” He folded his hands together on the counter and averted his eye. “I wish you would have said something earlier.” He briefly paused. “Or… Maybe I wish I was more proactive in supporting you, so you’d be more comfortable telling me things? Or maybe I wish I was more vehement about dissuading you. Regardless, I wish…” Bert sunk his head into his arms. “I wish I did something other than bury my head in the sand hoping everything would blow over. As I always do. You’d think after eight years of looking away while those damn Glornists constantly tormented me and the rest of the Skullship, I’d have learned my lesson. But no.” “I… I didn’t know Percy had achieved magic capabilities until I saw them for myself. I always thought he was somehow lying with stage tricks or something. And yet when I did learn of this… I still did nothing. I’m sorry. You may think I'm stronger than you, but Grop, am I a million times more cowardly too.”

It would have been easier to handle Bert chewing him out for being a reckless busy body. This... disgusted him to his very core. How could Bert take responsibility for his foolish decision?

"No..," Teddy breathlessly said as he used the tissues. Then he cautiously hugged Bert while doing his best to minimize the pain. A hug was exactly what Bert needed... and what Teddy needed too.

"Why would it be your fault? You tried to stop me, I saw how upset you were. Yet I pressed on anyways because... I didn't listen to you... Even if you listened to my concerns."

Teddy took a deep breath as he prepared for what he was about to say next. Then he rested his hand on Bert's. "Keeping everything to myself is my flaw. What could you do that my two wonderfully supportive brothers haven't?"

He paused to let out a bitter laugh. "Would you believe that I never mentioned breaking up with Minnie to them? Not because I'm afraid of coming out— Freddy's bi— but because I'm scared of them celebrating..."

Which was a completely valid fear when their opinion of her did a one eighty the instant that she became nothing but that "baby killer" to them. Or... maybe not? They would at least hold back in front of him.

Teddy wrapped his arms around Bert to give him a light squeeze. "Once again, I can not overstate how sorry I am for that. I'm trying to change starting with telling you everything..."

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, I am 16 years old. I have taken many tests, and read your blogs and descriptions about the Cognitive Functions and processes. I have narrowed my decisions down to two types. INTP AND ISTP. If you are able to find it, I could your advice as a resource to help me find my official type.

Dominant Ti- INTP and ISTP argument.

Between the ages of 6-12 and before some steess happened to me, I was a very curious child, watching many videos about how things worked, many History and Science Vids just to learn for fun. I tend to notice inconsistencies with data, and real life systems such as schools. Additionally, I also tend to have my own framework on how the world works. Such as me thinking that relationships are like an abstract system were you have to stabilize it at all angles to keep it running. I also think that many concepts like Newtons Laws can be applicable to many things like relationships . Like the 3rd Law where for every reaction, there is an equal and opposite reaction. A good example of this is that the more you love the person in a relationship, the more it will hurt when you break up. My one family member, who is an ISTJ btw told me that my logic makes sense and that it is kind of weird. I also have the thinking that School is just a chore, and that School is not real knowledge to me. I also tend to like to analyze things I am interested in such as Personality Theory, History, Science, and Math and knowing how they were formed and how it happened so I can expand my logical framework into a rich innerworld full of knowledge.

Inferior Fe-

One time when I got stressed, mainly due to me not reading social ques well which caused me to get used. I started getting so clingy to people, which caused people to become distant from me, which I didnt know was bad. I also had an emotional breakdown in front of my friend because I failed to admit that my crush didnt like me, which caused me to lose that friend. Recently, after a friend and I started growing distant, I started becoming so paranoid about how other people percieve me, which caused me to have a fear that people will laugh at me and betray me. During that time, I suddenly got stressed, and then went outside to be agressively social to someone I didnt know by cussing and emphasising logic to an extreme. I also noticed that it was harder for me to think, mainly due to the fact that I am so paranoid about others. But before that, I had an expierence where I got jealous, which caused me to suddenly want to get involved in a family friends personal business, by asking for their phone number via their parents, just so I can get invasive and make them feel uncomfy. I tend to want to have socially interactions, but I tend to fail at them due to how awkward I was.

INTP Argument Aux Ne and Tert Si argument:

I also noticed, that not only did I learn about many topics like history and science by watching videos. I also tend to make up my fictional World Wars, drawing maps based on those in the videos, and even coming up with new ways I believe the worlds problems could be fix. I tend to also find bizarre connections to things, such as me connecting Physics and Relationships, two things I somehow connected, even though they are not related to each other. I also tend to easily jump from topic to topic when talking to people about my ideas and even having normal conversations. Additionally, I seem to get really energized when brainstorming about all the possibilities, which to others can seem kinda quirky. I also tend to have a problem sticking to one possibility sometimes, due to the fact I can easily accept other possible theorys, even though it is not likely to happen. My Si shows up as me having vivid memories of things like dates. However my Si can be somewhat inconsistent due to the fact that somedays, I can be great with memories while on other days, I cant even remember where I sit in class. My Si kinda somewhat developed, thanks to my family member who is an ISTJ. She forced me to somewhat develop it because she tends to punish me for forgetting habits, routines, and chores by taking away my phone for 2 hours.

ISTP Argument Aux Se and Tert Ni

At the Age of 13, I suddenly was more active. I started playing tennis as a sport, and wanted to explore the world more by trying out new things around me. I also got less picky with food, and suddenly wanted to start trying things with a lot of topics despite me not liking those things in the past. I also started acting before thinking just for me to experience things. One time, I suddenly had a hunch that caused me to accuretly guess my friends birthday. I felt like I was in a Ti-Ni loop one time, where I was so obsessed about the future, that I slowed got less interested in staying present, and suddenly started worring more about the future.

-----------------------

Several problems with your submission:

- Overall, my impression is you don't have very deep knowledge of yourself. While some of this can be chalked up to youth, you also didn't follow the submission instructions properly, so you haven't done enough self-reflection. Remember, I'm only able to see what you're able to show, and you haven't shown enough, barely scratched the surface.

- Your descriptions of T and N overlap too much for comfort. I don't know if this is due to not understanding the difference conceptually, not being able to spot the difference in yourself, or a combination of both. Until you are able to disentangle the two cognitive processes, the dominant function remains unclear, which means it will be very difficult for the rest of the stack to snap into place.

- A lot of people, especially introverts, are socially awkward/inept but it doesn't mean they have inferior Fe - do not confuse the two. Until you are able to clarify the reasons for and/or explain the psychological mechanisms underlying your socializing issues, inferior Fe remains unproven. Additionally, there's a lot more to Fe than socializing. Until you have a better understanding of what Fe is and what exact role it plays in your mind in relation to the other functions, its stack position remains up in the air.

- The auxiliary and tertiary function descriptions were unhelpful due to lacking detailed examples and not providing exactly the information I asked for in the guide. ISTP seems unlikely, though.

Generally speaking, I need to reach >95% confidence before I'm willing to confirm or disconfirm a possibility. Unfortunately, since none of the stack positions are clear, your submission does not meet my threshold as sufficient proof of INTP, nor does it allow me to rule it out.

[ihonestlydontknowwhattocallthis]

Goin on a little rant here cause I’m a little sad no I will not be fixing spelling mistakes

So a little while ago I decide “I haven’t played dbd in a while I’m gonna play dbd” now at the time I played dbd mobile (I didn’t have to pay for it and I prefer to use touch screen over my mouse/ trackpad, it’s easier) so I log in I see the message that says dbd mobile is shutting down. I go oh fuck, have a little breakdown then think we’ll I’ve got till the end of march to play this as much as I want,

didn’t consent to my data being processed so I could use my account on the actually dbd cause I’m a paranoid little bitch and got scared the instant I saw “data process”

The end of march rolls around, i realise I still wanna play dnd so I start looking up whether I should play it on the computer so I can keep my account or play it on switch and just start anew

I decide to get it on switch because I’ve heard good things about it on switch and it’s probably more easy to control for me

So I decide to start anew, i do some research and I find out that the cenobite (my favourite character and literally the only one I played as) is leaving for good, I start to panic but then realise I have a few days to get it on switch and then buy the cenobite

April 3rd, the day before the cenobite leaves for good. I go to a game store and talk to a lovely worker there who tells me that this copy of the game on the Nintendo switch is literally the only copy in the state, I think: sweet, this is great

My luck goes downhill from there

I get home, and I set up the game, it’s going great until it tells me I have to be a member of Nintendo switch online to play, I start stressing out again.

I realise it’s not a big problem, I’ve got $30 on my switch, I can pay for the whole year, but that means I can’t pay for the cenobite

I do some research, and realise I can just pay for a 3 month thing and have money left for the cenobite

But then I start getting stressed, play dbd mobile was real simple, and this is a lot I have to do just to get into the game. I talk to my mum about it, whether I should go through with all this stuff or just return the game and she says to sleep on it (because im in Australia it would have been april 2nd in Canada where the game was made when I got the game so I had one more day to figure it out)

I think that’s a great idea so I go to sleep. Wake up the next day, forget about it for a bit and say to myself “I’ll sort it out later”

I look some stuff up and realise I was very wrong, it is infact April 4th in America and Canada and I have lost my chan to get the cenobite.

I go through all the stages of grief before getting to acceptance realising I can play as a different character even tho the cenobite is the best character to play as

I’m happy that I was able to experience playing as the cenobite, but now it’s time to move on and experience different characters. However the cenobite will always have a special place in my heart.

But Goddam, is that a lot that happened. If dbd wasn’t such a fun game, I wouldn’t have this problem.

[valkwriteshealth]

Back at it again with the menty b

So. I can't remember the last time I post. Feels like its been a month, so I'm going to go with it being a month.

Shit got dark, not going to lie. Felt like I was having a breakdown and I'm only recently getting over it. Feels like I'm throwing off the weight of it, like pulling back blankets, shaking off the heaviness settled on my shoulders, kicking my feet hard enough to break the water's surface. All the poetic bull shit was to say I no longer feel as weighed down as I did.

I did another tarot reading. I'm trying to shift my perspective. It's my birthday next week and I don't want to feel sad. I want to feel like I'm in control, of myself and moods and of my future.

I can't remember what set me off originally, I think it was a few bad days, hormones and the knowledge I had a funeral to go to (went to it last week for my great aunt). I'm really just sad that that was all it took. Derailed for almost a month.

Its a common theme. One I'm always on here saying I'll do better about. I wish I was able to cast it aside, be driven and motivated, work harder, achieve goals but then a shitty day will happen and I'll sulk, be useless, lazy and worst of all sad for days on end, until I tell myself its time to reinvent myself because this slump will simply not do.

Still haven't found a better way to cope.

So we're going back to the ol' tried and true method of reinvention.

I'm beginning a new workout routine after my birthday, called Callanetics, its this old 80s workout video my mum used to do. She said she saw real results in 6 weeks so I'm going to go into a cut (protein shakes for lunch and snacks) and do that every weekday morning. Still going to the gym twice a week mind you. I also want to incorporate 10,000 steps a day some how.

Look lifting heavy weights just isn't for me. I thought it was, I wanted it to be but I ache too much. My bones click, my joints feel week, its just not worth it. Little old lady me won't be able to fucking move. So aerobics callisthenics etc are it.

My routine is currently solid. So no other changes there are required.

I'm at a loss how to motivate myself mentally at the moment. I write best when isolated and theres nothing else to do but write. Like I'm actually looking forward to teams day at work purely to have 6 hours on a train to write. I almost want to stay over just to sit in my hotel room and write there. I've gotten to lax with myself in the conservatory. Too many distractions now that I'm writing on my laptop. The eternal debate of writing it all by hand again has arisen purely to make myself do something. I'll have to sit on that one for a minute.

Future wise, my job is pretty solid, going to be starting an apprenticeship in the next week or so. I'm being paid better and due an increase when it starts. I think I'm going to buy a whole new warddrobe. I always say I want to do this but I never like spending money.

I think I need to start from the bottom and work up on it. Styles and colours, then sleepwear, underwear, homewear, outing with friends, party wear, family events, work wear, camping (?).

I mention camping because my friend has reminded me twice now about going camping. I've managed to get out of driving anywhere which, good for me honestly. Driving gives me so much anxiety its unreal. It's like the one thing that will and can keep me awake at night. Like to panic attack levels. I don't get how people can be so chill about it. The next step basically, is to look at train routes and then figure out how to get to campsites from there.

There you have it, thats the plan for now. I hope not to have to have another rant any time soon.

I've changed the name of this because I was getting paranoid that people would find it. My old blog from 7 years ago has taken Valk Writes, I want to post about my stories on there, I want to do fan casts and stuff but I just don't have the time or know-how on how to do that sort of thing yet. Maybe stay tuned.

[lifesfeelings]

The Rest of October

I really want to make some posts that summarizes the last few months and my experiences teaching and moving and all the craziness of starting over; but, with that being said, October sucks shit and I really need to just vent about the shitty right now... I mean, first of all, the break up of course. It has not been pretty... I think I posted on Sunday about it? This is the first day I haven't had a full breakdown, so that's fun! I think I literally cried for like 3-4 of my waking hours yesterday, and Monday was a fucking nightmare. It's just so disproportional and crazy, and my rational brain can see that, but my emotional brain is struggling fucking HARD losing Sebastian... From all this, I think I've realized October is my least favorite month. I feel like I've just had shitty ass luck every year during this month. This month alone, so in the last 11 days, I have: 1) Got broken up with 2) my grandma's remains got buried in her hometown 3) the year anniversary of her passing is tomorrow 4) my car broke down on Monday, so that's $400+ to get my alternator back up and running 5) midterms and classes are getting heavy asf all of a sudden, and I have literally NO physical capability to focus. Time to think just devolves into a breakdown about Sebastian. 6) I had planned to go see family for the first time since I moved this weekend, and now because of my car, I won't be able to get there in time... It literally just feels like the universe just keeps kicking. I am a bitch that tries the universe constantly, and I've always said me and her get along. I wasn't afraid of bad things happening, because honestly? nothing *bad* ever happens to me, and when it does, it's usually isolated and I am a professional at bottling and putting it away where I don't have to see it. And now I feel like my faith in the world itself is shaken. I feel like I'm almost paranoid now, and I'm constantly looking/waiting for that next kick. I'm headed down a really bad place mentally... I've been relying heavily on nicotine and weed to get me through, and I know I need to take a step back, but it feels like the only thing that can quiet everything. I just need things to stop for a little while. I just wish I could return to who I was a week and a half ago. It feels like my mental state, my life, my relationships, my outlooks have all just suddenly flipped. I'm not doing great...

10.11.23

[do-not-interact-1]

man, if you went back in time and told 6th grade me what high school would look like—

“so it starts off with a pandemic. don’t leave the house. then there’s the paralyzing social anxiety. yeah no you can’t go to the store without picking your hands apart from fear. anyways then you fell in love with your best friend—no, not her, she’s accidentally ghosting you, you’re OTHER best friend—then experience depression for the first time ever. cool, huh? after that you meet this one guy who you almost date! but then you think that you’re a lesbian for half a second so you turn him down and later cut him off after he’s kinda mean to you. then it turns out that he’s kind of disgusting and really weird and rapey. so then you have a pretty good year until the depression hits AGAIN, except this time it’s worse. but it goes away. then you fall for the girl you hate at the moment, kay? and you’re really gay and mopey about it. so cut to four months later and the depression is the worst its ever been, and you start making yourself to throw up as a weird form of self harm. you really want to die but you’re afraid of killing yourself and you don’t want to hurt the people around you. but then season four of stranger things comes out and your depression gets better! and you accidentally tell your best friend you were in love with that you used to be in love with her, but she doesn’t notice. anyways later this summer you stay up until 4 in the morning to talk to the girl you currently like—yeah the one you hate—because she’s in europe and you’re gay and have a massive crush. yeah also this is only like halfway through high school. then comes junior year and it seems like it’s going pretty good! you drink for the first time, that’s kinda cool. you’re a massive lightweight. but then, in december, the girl you’ve been pining after for 10 months kisses you!! and you start dating!!! and you come out to her as trans and it goes really well!!! oh yeah you’re trans btw. just so you know. but then you kinda blow her off a ton because of bad anxiety. oh and also a couple months earlier you had a paranoid breakdown in your basement during a sleepover. yeah you thought there were shadow creatures trying to take you. then had another one a couple days later and called it the Fear. yeah the capital F is important. anyways fast forward i think you’re in love and you tell her (well she tells you first because she loves you too) and then later on in may you’re a hot mess and start to starve yourself and cut yourself but only a little bit because she tells you that she can’t be with you if you’re going to keep going like this and it snaps you out of it and you realize how fucked up what you’re doing is and you desperately want to live. then comes the hallucinations—yeah, you realize that the “hypnogogic hallucinations” was just plain old hearing things—and you have more paranoid episodes! and then you go to new york city alone and it gets WORSE!!!! and THEN you go to a music festival and your girlfriend tells you that you’ve been losing weight and you realize oh shit the eating disorder actually isn’t fixed and then you have to tell your parents or else her mom will tell them and nobody wants that. anyways now you’re a senior hashtag pogchamp have fun with those voices and “thoughts” that won’t go away because they’ve gotten a lot worse—what? wait why are you crying?”

[badtimenightmarefaces]

When the new dog chewed out your favorite stuffies eyes

The same stuffie that keeps me safe from vampires and intense hallucinations

And you have no idea where your favorite blankies are

So you just have to silently panic because you feel uncomfortable to tell your parents

Even if my mom put new eyes on the stuffie

It won’t be the same

[firebird-inkheart]

Interesting to come back here after a nice break focusing on other things just to find people scrambling to glue back together what was essentially a burning house of straw that is this “community”. When I first joined a few years back then yeah, sure, I could consider this little corner of the internet a community. But eventually “community” dwindled down to “I can only trust this handful of people to not prematurely judge and shoot me in the back”.

Initially, I started out hopeful, wanting to share my art, interact with new people. But I’ve experienced several mental breakdowns and manic episodes over the course of the last 3/4 years thanks to this “community” alone. Watching judgey “rules” build up, followed by even more predictable demanding behavior to uphold some sort of paragon of non-existent virtue, and eventually reaching a pinnacle of lies, slander, and witch hunts before we all wind down and wait for the cycle to start up again. I can barely even bring myself to tag things in the self ship tags anymore because of how willing people are to go for blood via misunderstandings or even just a straight up refusal to consider the other person’s side.

That kind of cycle leaves me feeling like I’m walking on eggshells, makes me unreasonably paranoid, even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong, for something that’s supposed to be considered a “safe space”. And do you know what all of this reminds me of? It reminds me of having to watch what I said so I didn’t accidentally set my dad off into an accusation filled rage. Chew on that for a minute: This “community” has gotten so bad that it has, time and again, reminded me of my own father’s cycles of domestic abuse.

Like, genuinely, what in the actual fuck?

And this isn’t even getting into how much this “community” preaches about give and take, but only by and large demonstrates― No, demands ― the Take aspect of things. That leads into a larger problem surrounding the demand of instant consumption that’s been plaguing the internet for the last decade, but the base line of this problem is that this “community” gets so nasty demanding that people pay attention to their things, yet don’t reciprocate by giving attention back to others. I’m not really much of a saint either; there’ve been plenty of times where I’ve gotten upset at how things I’ve worked hard on would barely even break ten notes, especially when I did properly tag them. It’s hard to look at popular blogs get tons of attention when you get nothing, I get it, really. But with the way everything gets handled around here, it just feeds back into that horrible cycle.

It’s exhausting, being in this “community” most of the time. The things that are supposed to make me happy and bring me comfort don’t bring those sorts of “rewards” to me anymore unless I keep them within a small circle. Which sucks because I do want to share with a larger audience. I do want to get people excited for my things and to hype them up for theirs in turn.

Just not in this hostile environment.

And while it’s admirable that people want to better this “community”, it’s just another cog in the damning cycle because nothing ever actually gets done. It’s always just talk before we wind up to the big pitch that is infighting and self righteous judgement and witch hunts. Over. And over. And over again.

I always say that the “dead from the beginning” is one of my favorite tropes, never really thought I’d be experiencing the irony of living it with this “community”.

The straw house is already burned down, there is no building it back up again.

[aliyahsomerhalder]

brutal - the vampire diaries

sour masterlist

main masterlist

a/n: ok guys after a really long time here is the first edition to the sour playlist. omg, school started and my motivation to write hasn’t really been there. sorry for the let down i’m trying. NOT PROOFREAD AND LOWERCASE INTENDED!

summary: being friends with the mystic falls gang is fun and all.. until reality sets in, it’s pretty brutal.

warnings: none that i can think of

pairing: the vampire diaries x gn!reader , mentioned damon!reader

im so insecure, i think

that i’ll die before i drink

and i’m so caught up in the news

of who likes me and who hates you

you never once expected in your life that you would well, die and come back. you had been turned into a vampire in a pathetic excuse to get back at the salvatores for whatever they had done in the past. sure, your friends were there to comfort you when you turned but nothing really; it was always elena this, elena that. surprisingly, damon was there for you.. the only problem was your friends could never decide if they hated him or liked him. it really sucked when the one person that cared for was the most hated..

and i’m so tired that i might

quit my job, start a new life

and they’d all be so disappointed

cause who am i, if not exploited?

you had once taken pride with being responsible and having a manger position at ‘the grill’ but with everything hitting you so hard it was extremely exhausting to just keep up with everything. you really considering running away from your old life and being someone completely new, but you knew you could never do that considering your friends always needed you for some type of favor.

and i’m so sick of 17

where’s my fucking teenage dream?

if someone tells me one more time

“enjoy your youth”, i’m gonna cry

when you first turned you were completely scared and had no clue what to do, like any person would be. all your friends were trying to show you the pros but all you could see was cons, you didn’t want to be 17 forever. you wanted to turn 18, go to college live the teenage dream you were supposed to. the amount of times you heard someone say “enjoy your eternal youth.” it honestly made you want to cry every. single. time.

and i don’t stick up for myself

i’m anxious and nothing can help

and i wish i’d done this before

and i wish people liked me more

you’ve always been considered a “pushover” , and now that you’ve turned you been one even more. whenever your friends needed a favor (even if it risked your life) you’d do it. you were always anxious and paranoid, never getting a break. even after a while of being a vampire, you still couldn’t catch the hang of it making your vamplife so much harder.

all i did was try my best

this the kind of thanks i get?

unrelentlessly upset

trying so hard to please everyone but yourself, caused so many mental breakdowns. you didn’t even get a thanks when you risked your life for elena. so many unnecessary shedded tears, all for people that couldn’t even appreciate you. you were at the salvatore boarding waiting for damon, “what are you doing here?” he asks from behind you. “oh god, you scared me. where have you been? we had date night planned tonight?” you say walking up to him, he rolled his eyes. “oh right, sorry i had to do something with elena.” it was your turn to roll your eyes, “your kidding right? i so everything for you and the group and this- this is the thanks i get?” you shout. before he can let out a rebuttal you storm out the door and angrily drive home.

they say these are the golden years

but i wish i could disappear

ego crush is so severe

god, it’s brutal out here

everyone said that 17 was the year that was meant for fun and happiness, but not for you. the only thing you wanted was to disappear. the amount of times your ego has been bruised. you were currently in your room on the floor, tears streaming down your face. you had wrecked your room in the process. suddenly, the door opened revealing stefan, damon, elena, caroline and bonnie. “oh my god, are you okay y/n?!” caroline cried while walking over to you. you look up and say one thing, “god, it’s brutal out here.”

[precambrianhottopic]

i wake up late.

eating is no longer an option- the bus comes in thirteen minutes and it only matters that i look decent to leave the house.

i am not awake. my thoughts are dreamlike, rambling and only muscle memory is getting me out the door.

i can rest on the bus. the bus is designed to be impossible to rest on, because it is made as cheaply as possible. the school is the same.

walking down the halls still, not awake, i pass by someone i know and i dread it- i don't have the energy to make myself smile.

there is nothing else to do but pass between classes, empty. i am trying to fit my whole life into four minute passing periods. i am not an emotional person. ive been on the verge of tears since september. sometimes it gets so bad i tear up staring at the board and my first thought is to snap out of it, i need to focus on the lecture.

my eyes glaze over trying to do math problems. ive already lost 2 points on this homework assignment, i was doing so well and now im spiralling. if i tell my teacher it's too hard, he's going to accuse me of lying. im only doing this to get out of working, right?

sign in and sign out of every bathroom. we have to know where you are at all times. we have to stop you from having even one moment to yourself, because that's when teenagers start causing problems. i'll get home tonight at 5 and stare catatonic at a computer screen.

i am growing up in dying world. there is nothing i can do about it. ive accepted ill never have a house, ive accepted ill never not be poor, ive accepted im not living past 30. the only thing i have energy to worry about is my test on friday. i feel horrible for not being able to care about the world falling apart around me. there's nothing i can do about it.

every experience i have is tainted- i have to go back to school tomorrow, i can't have fun tonight. im trying to barely scrape the resources i need to survive out of an empty barrel. there will never be any time to sit, there will never be any time to truly rest, there is always something else i could be doing. i see my friends and all we talk about is school.

none of my teachers accept late work. deadlines are enforced by computers, work cannot be turned in after the due date, no late credit, no excuses. this is easier for them. i am left with a constant voice in the back of my head screaming that im forgetting something.

i tell my mother i hate school. she is a teacher, she says i cant possibly be serious, im just being silly, my grades are so good. on paper i am excelling. i stare up at the ceiling and wonder how i can keep going. once the seasons start changing my mind starts to break. this is normal. this is what happens every year. i never stop to consider that leaving home before the sun rises and coming home after it sets is hurting me.

i think it's been months since i was actually awake.

during the summer, i am not paranoid. i am not regularly having panic attacks. i am not suicidal. i am not taking painkillers almost every day because i can't rest enough for my body to stop the pain on its own.

i can't keep living on the verge of a breakdown. i can't do it all in the gaps between classes. my health teacher asks us to list stressors. she tells us we can't put school down, it's too universal.

everyone is going through this. this is all normal. the system is working as intended.

my chest is tight and the period ends in six minutes.

i can articulate this better at a later date when im not falling asleep on a bus but high school is genuinely unbelievably cruel. no one should be made to go through this