valkwriteshealth

[valkwriteshealth]

Back at it again with the menty b

So. I can't remember the last time I post. Feels like its been a month, so I'm going to go with it being a month.

Shit got dark, not going to lie. Felt like I was having a breakdown and I'm only recently getting over it. Feels like I'm throwing off the weight of it, like pulling back blankets, shaking off the heaviness settled on my shoulders, kicking my feet hard enough to break the water's surface. All the poetic bull shit was to say I no longer feel as weighed down as I did.

I did another tarot reading. I'm trying to shift my perspective. It's my birthday next week and I don't want to feel sad. I want to feel like I'm in control, of myself and moods and of my future.

I can't remember what set me off originally, I think it was a few bad days, hormones and the knowledge I had a funeral to go to (went to it last week for my great aunt). I'm really just sad that that was all it took. Derailed for almost a month.

Its a common theme. One I'm always on here saying I'll do better about. I wish I was able to cast it aside, be driven and motivated, work harder, achieve goals but then a shitty day will happen and I'll sulk, be useless, lazy and worst of all sad for days on end, until I tell myself its time to reinvent myself because this slump will simply not do.

Still haven't found a better way to cope.

So we're going back to the ol' tried and true method of reinvention.

I'm beginning a new workout routine after my birthday, called Callanetics, its this old 80s workout video my mum used to do. She said she saw real results in 6 weeks so I'm going to go into a cut (protein shakes for lunch and snacks) and do that every weekday morning. Still going to the gym twice a week mind you. I also want to incorporate 10,000 steps a day some how.

Look lifting heavy weights just isn't for me. I thought it was, I wanted it to be but I ache too much. My bones click, my joints feel week, its just not worth it. Little old lady me won't be able to fucking move. So aerobics callisthenics etc are it.

My routine is currently solid. So no other changes there are required.

I'm at a loss how to motivate myself mentally at the moment. I write best when isolated and theres nothing else to do but write. Like I'm actually looking forward to teams day at work purely to have 6 hours on a train to write. I almost want to stay over just to sit in my hotel room and write there. I've gotten to lax with myself in the conservatory. Too many distractions now that I'm writing on my laptop. The eternal debate of writing it all by hand again has arisen purely to make myself do something. I'll have to sit on that one for a minute.

Future wise, my job is pretty solid, going to be starting an apprenticeship in the next week or so. I'm being paid better and due an increase when it starts. I think I'm going to buy a whole new warddrobe. I always say I want to do this but I never like spending money.

I think I need to start from the bottom and work up on it. Styles and colours, then sleepwear, underwear, homewear, outing with friends, party wear, family events, work wear, camping (?).

I mention camping because my friend has reminded me twice now about going camping. I've managed to get out of driving anywhere which, good for me honestly. Driving gives me so much anxiety its unreal. It's like the one thing that will and can keep me awake at night. Like to panic attack levels. I don't get how people can be so chill about it. The next step basically, is to look at train routes and then figure out how to get to campsites from there.

There you have it, thats the plan for now. I hope not to have to have another rant any time soon.

I've changed the name of this because I was getting paranoid that people would find it. My old blog from 7 years ago has taken Valk Writes, I want to post about my stories on there, I want to do fan casts and stuff but I just don't have the time or know-how on how to do that sort of thing yet. Maybe stay tuned.

[valkwriteshealth]

Boring day

Not in a great mood right now.

Did all the things I wanted to do today. The rest was just really boring and I'm just not feeling it right now. Might delete this. I know I should have posted yesterday (which was a better day) but I lost track of time.

Got the gym tomorrow and the dentist. Hopefully I'll be able to get across to her that my wisdom teeth hurt, its awkward af with a dentist thats hard of hearing. I said to her once, my wisdom teeth are coming through and its causing like hearing ache etc and she looked at me confused, so i said my wisdom teeth and she nodded like yep theyre there. So going to have to think on my approach.

Wish I had real people/ a person even to talk to. Sad girl hours unlocked.

[valkwriteshealth]

January is sooo long

Part of me can't believe its still the same month.

This week has been okay. Did basically everything I set out to do. Found out my knee injury is a ligament issue (thank you friend's dad who is a nurse). Binged a lot of Grimm. Feeling mentally a little over cooked at the moment.

Writing went a little stunted today. Forgot I stopped at chapters 5 and 6 where I went wtf do i do here. Tried asking my sister and best beta reader for advice on whether the structure of this DRAFT 1 scene works and first thing she says is: Well you've missed a comma there."

I pushed through and now I'm moving on. I've got the outline of it. Then I got to the next chapter- completely unwritten mind you, so now that is tomorrows problem to sort.

This is just a little update for today. Bye!

[valkwriteshealth]

I'm Back Baby

Had a decent weekend editing. I didnt get much done in the way of quantity BUT I have a whole new perspective, I'm trying to have fun with it. I came up with 2 whole new scenes, one of which I wrote out today. Might even be my first (potentially) explicit scene that I've ever written. I know, I didnt see it coming either but I was thinking about the backstory between the two mains in Aux1 and all the reasons they mean so much to each other and well work was boring.

Got up at 7am, worked out, showered and cooked a high protein breakfast for myself just in time to start work. And if it wasnt for my knee hurting like it usually does, I feel great. This is the routine by the way that I wanted to start with the new year. 2025 has officially started for me. Woo hoo!

Nothing else much to update really just having a good day.

[valkwriteshealth]

Getting back on track

Been a week of two steps forward and yet another back.

Went the gym on wednesday and thursday, and now my knee is FUCKED. It hurts. I don't think I'm doing weighted leg exercises any time soon. I want to be able to walk properly when I'm old yknow?

Been looking into diet changes, how to get protein up and cals down. While I havent been binge eating in the past I clearly havent been eating to macros or anything that would help a fitness journey. While I'm not getting rid of cereal completely, I am swapping in certain days with high protein breakfasts, like eggs, ham, chicken etc... It felt good, trialing it today.

I hope to write tomorrow. God the urge to change book ideas is strong, gotta write AUX Draft 1, wanna write AVC1 Draft 5, or AVC2 Draft 1. But I'm going to start with AUX. I need an editor for AVC1 before I go back there. Going to look into that more also this weekend.

More lit agents submissions and even just looking for editors flat out. Though I'm dreading how much that might cost me.

Been considering swapping the name of this blog with something else and turning Valk_Writes into a promotional blog for my stories. Nepthys writes was me just showcasing short stories that looking back on now, I know I could write better. But I want to build hype around my writing, like the other girlies do on tik tok and instagram. I need to do some research into those, see trends and what have you.

It late now, I must sleep. Feeling all my 24 years right now.

[valkwriteshealth]

Not 2025

I am not well. So I refuse to believe 2025 has started yet. I don't care.

New years eve was a bust. I was at my nans and to be honest it was a poor show out from previous years. My sister had gone to a party with her friends. And while I wouldnt have ditched my mum on her own I was admittedly jealous, not in the sense that I wanted to go with her I just wish I had friends that did stuff like that and not the 2-3 I'm currently holding hostage with 8+ years of knowing each other.

I felt really lonely. And then nan had a stroke.

It was a mini one to be fair, she started getting tired, so me and my cousin were drafted in to help her up and get her to bed. But her one side of her face had dropped, her arms were slack and her speach was slurred. So I turn to the rest of the room and ask: Is she having a stroke?

Cousin calls the 999, I distract her two little kids. The symptoms last about 10 minutes, my nan is fuming at us for calling them. We ring in the new year with the paramedics wheeling my nan out.

She was released from the hospital yesterday, thank god. All looks to be alright, she's had strokes in the past, she's doing okay.

Took an easy day on the 1st, brimming with determination to get shit done the next and then boom: sickness strikes the next day. Putting me out for the count even now. My mental state has also been all over the place. Felt like i was about to have a breakdown on Saturday.

I'm going the gym tomorrow but I'm going to have to tell my gym buddy to not expect miracles.

It's honestly been bullshit.

Been spending this down time, trying to get into the right state of mind. Watching exercise videos, working on my diet. My sleeping schedule is back out of whack, so I need to fix that again.

I'm looking to spend the weekend writing/editing and hopefully sending off AVC1 to more literary agents. Monday I'm going full force into the new routine. I swear to god. 7am start. New work out. New diet. New out look.

Gotta remember fitness is good but the mental health can't slip.

[valkwriteshealth]

Last post of 2024

It's a Monday my dudes.

I had a little set back last night, and honestly it just feels like self sabotage.

Its thrown me right back into my resolutions for the new year to the extreme and I hope it sticks. So much so that I actually made a To Do List this morning.

Top was make this post, go back to outlining rather than trying to edit Aux 1 and clean my fish tank at 3pm. (Which I will be doing in an hour.)

Yeah writing was going places yesterday but not very fast and then I lost interest. This morning I decided to do a little bit of research to fact check this joke I'd written and what do you know I'd fucked up the whole setting of the scene. The joke was good though, so small victories!

So its back to the cork board. I'm just going to plot out the entire thing again, it'll give me a feel for the story as a whole, which will encourage me to start writing it again, even if in 4 months time I'll get to chapter 40 and be like: I hardly remember outlining this. Which is what happened with AVC1 and why I decided to change it up for this. Tried, tested and we're going back to the old ways.

I do have some good news however, I submitted AVC1 to another agency today. They wanted the cover letter, synopsis and first 3 chapters lumped together in a pdf file. God I hope I hear something back from them. It hasn't worked out for the last three submissions. I know they say rejection is a part of the process, which is why I'm not taking anything to heart but I still really want to be published this year (meaning 2025).

We'll be ringing in the new year tomorrow!

I think I've scheduled in another quarter life crisis before then. Wish me luck.

[valkwriteshealth]

Saturday (Friday) Post.

Yes, I am late. Yes I forgot.

I've been busy in my defence. Christmas was busy but also anticlimactic at the same time. I feel more christmas-y now post the 25th than I did in the run up to and on the day.

I've vegged about since then, watching the NCIS season 8 boset I got under the tree. Nearly finished the season by the way.

I want to write but things keep getting in the way. I write best if I sit down and get into the mood first thing. But I've not been able to do that yet. Hopefully tomorrow I will, I've got the next few days, new years included to do so.

I'm struggling mentally with getting into the mind set to write the Aux series. I thought splitting the book up to just tackle character scenes chronologically separately. It should be the best approach to be fair, but the words aren't coming and the state of the first draft is deterring me. It's awful. It's all superficial, there's no depth to it.

And when I hit this wall, I start considering my options for other books. Do I move onto AVC2, do I do a fifth draft of AVC1? There's also could be something else in the works but I don't know yet. I am my own enemy.

Been trying to get my ducks in a row about my new years resolutions. The work out, the diet, the writing plan (under review) and now its the travel goals.

Visited my uncle's this morning. It used to be a pretty sketchy drive but it was pretty chill today, so my driving impressed my mother. Its her car, she's a worrier and makes driving more stressful than it should be and could be a possible route of my anxiety towards driving. But it got me thinking, what about a family road trip to Whitby and Scarborough? Its about a 4hr drive for us, we could do 2hrs each. They're both on the bucket list, when AVC gets published you'll learn why.

Goth festival would be cool to go to but I could live without it as long as I get to the the Abbey and the harbours. Maybe we could even hit up York on the way back. I want to see that really old street.

The fam are on board, the main issue is the pets. We'd have to take the dogs with us. We'll have to get a soft crate or something like it for Juno in the boot. My sister would flip out if we make her deal with both of them loose in the back.

I was also thinking of travelling the UK via train. I'll practice packing my bags for a camping trip but its something do able I think. Especially for day trips, like what I used to do with my mate a couple of years ago. I no longer want to rely on him for travel and I don't want to actually drive the others in our group either. Mainly because I'm the only other driver, if I got into trouble it's on me, and all but one is clued in, if thats the best way to say it. I don't want to go abroad with my friends for the same reasons, ones a space cadet, the other needs baby sitting. I DON'T WANT OR NEED THE STRESS. Like I actually want to enjoy myself on these trips?

Maybe its a cop out but I have anxiety, I recognise it, I own it, I have my ways, I get stressed out and particular. I don't want to exacerbate it. I hate that I'm also limiting myself over it.

In a similar vein, I'm also planning european trips. I originally wanted to travel all over via train but I think going by planes is the best route. I get 24 holidays to take a year. I could do long weekends, fly out thursday night return sunday night, using a single day.

This is something I'll have fun planning, I guess.

I'm unsure why I feel better about this than I do about feel going to Greece with my friends. Well I do technically and I don't but I digress.

In the mean time, the focus is on writing and I'm also going to go back to reading real physical books. Not as gripping but I know it is better for me.

Wish me luck!

[valkwriteshealth]

Monday Post

Happy Monday!

I am tired.

The only successful thing I have done today is clean my fish tank. (Added a load of new plants in which was cool but noticed one of my fish's fins are going white so I'm trying not to panic.) It's quite possible I will have to do some painting later but that hangs on how far my sister gets. We're decorating the kitchen. I've offered to buy take away for us all.

I woke up early today, 7am early for me but its the goal time I'm aiming for in the new year as part of my new routine and I AM STRUGGLING.

The writing isn't coming to me either, I'm in that sludge between ending a project and starting another one. It takes me ages to focus on it, visualise it and commit to a way to tackle it. Especially when its a shitty draft 1 that I have to work with.

My lack of energy could also being down to being that point in the month. Which normallu wrecks everything I have planned, want to do and hold dear.

Been looking at new workouts. About half an hour each morning focussing on different areas: Mon-Fri = Arms Chest Legs Abs Back + 10min on bike warm up. Going to go heavy on arms and light on legs, thinking more yoga-ish type exercises there. I'll go the gym the same as I have been, after work for 1.30 hrs every Wed and Thurs.

I want to measure the widths of my arms, thighs, waist and hips because they are where I have the biggest issues with how I look. Bigger arms, littler legs thats the goal.

The main problem is... energy.

I don't have a lot of it. Caffeine and sugar are good and fun but not for your health. Sleep schedules are also something I struggle with. Sleep procrastination is the enemy. But even when I do get a consistent couple nights of good sleep I still feel exhausted. I drag myself around the gym, I can't write after work. All I'm good for is eating and vegging out watching TV and sometimes I'm too tired to even focus on the plot so I put off watching shows I want to watch but nonsense on youtube.

I no longer know the person who could come home from uni and spend the evening solving her coursework problems. I'd spend hours on that shit.

Maybe I need to develop stronger will power? How do I do that.

Research pending.

In other news, Christmas is in two days. I'm spending it at my cousins. Going to have to send out a lot of happy xmas messages this year. I met a lot of new family members from my dad's side two weeks ago, which was a wild time. But Xmas will be spent with my mum's side. Going to be stuck on a table for most of the night I reckon, unless I get gulliver'd by the minions. I won't be drinking either so I'm going to have to find a mental escape elsewhere, but where?Can't write, can't listen to music. I must socialise. I do like party atmospheres, not going to lie but I don't end up doing much at them.

We'll be visiting the cemetery that morning, and I'll have to call my uncle later that night so I'm going to try and not have a mental breakdown like usual. At least it won't be exacerbated with alcohol. I've spent too much time this year being miserable and not knowing exactly why until some time in september when I figured out it was mostly down to prolonged grief. I still don't know how to deal with it exactly but now that I know what it is, I've been getting better at separating my thoughts from it as so not to spiral any more.

The last couple of months have felt easier. I was really excited to be turning 24 but that has ruined it. I shouldnt use the word ruin but it's how I felt initially, this year has been a learning curve on how to deal with my mental health. Here's hoping for the new year!

I really want to eat something now.

[valkwriteshealth]

Tarot for 2025

A friend of mine gifted me a new tarot set for Christmas. Early I know, but still. So using the quick celtic cross variant lay out I did a reading just now for what my new routine and goals are going to look like for the next year.

Traveller - King of Cups

A symbol of compassion. Embodies kindness, empathy and understanding.

Consider your values when faced with choices and how they align with your values, emotions and long-term goals.

Trust intuition.

Whats Missing - Seven of Swords

Represents deception and dishonesty.

Running away from problems

Lack of integrity

Self-deception

Path Behind - King of Pentacles

Symbolizes prosperity, security and authority.

Hardwork

Managing resources effectively

Wealth and power

Stability in the material sense

Path Ahead - The Devil

The shadow self. Attachement, addiction, seduction by the material world. Living in fear, bound by luxury and temptation.

Confront your fears

Be self-aware

Recognise you are telling stories to hold yourself back.

Self-imposed restraints.

Take responsibility for your journey.

Obstacles - The Tower

Represents sudden change, destruction and liberation.

Unforseen catastrophe, crisis and danger

Room for potential growth and transformation with the opportunity to rebuild on a stronger foundation

Change.

Windfall - The Star

Hope. Faith. Renewal of purpose. The opportunity card.

Overcoming past struggles

Beginning a new chapter

The Destination - Nine of Cups

Signifies a feeling of contentment, satisfaction and achieving what you desire.

Emotional fulfillment

Achieving goals

Self-satisfaction

Positive self-image

Guilt-free indulgence

I shuffled again for guidance on what was meant by 7 of swords and the devil cards and got this:

The layout is the Past, Present and Future. The past card is the 9 of cups, same as the destination from the first reading but the present is the 4 of wands reversed. Indicates a lack of stability and harmony in various areas of life. The future being the ace of wands reversed; circumstances are delaying progress. A lack of energy and motivation to prioritise certain areas of life.

Overall, I think the first reading for 2025 is one of the best I've ever done for myself. My other tarot deck was very positive but this is one seems to be realistic.

I am the King of Cups. I must conisder my values and how they align with what I want to achieve in the long-term. The 7 of Swords highlights that I have a tendency to deceive myself. I think I'm more than I am and I put more pressure on myself which when I don't meet that expectation leads me to spiral and hide from my problems.

The path behind being the King of Pentacles, I think is with regards to the promotion I've just got from work. For the last three years I've been working there I've been wanting and looking for a new job but have had no luck. New employers bought the company and after six months I'm finally being paid what I believe I ought to be and have the path to progress in front of me. So its now one less thing to worry about currently.

I think the Devil represents my greatest enemy, my shadow self, where every good intention I have goes to die the moment I'm not in a good mood, under stress, tired or anxious. It's a warning that I should take control of my life and myself.

The Tower couples with this, the shadow self and destruction as the path ahead and it's obstacles.

The windfall and destination are where it picks up, which is what leads me to believe the last two are indeed warnings. If I muddle through those, I will overcome my past struggles, start a new chapter in life, achieve my goals and feel fulfilled.

A pretty good reading for a new year.

[valkwriteshealth]

Goals for this year

Realised that I didn't specify what I want to get out of this. And honestly, I haven't acutally written it out until now what I want in bullet points. Some points will be the same as I've previously wanted but never quite achieved.

The main goal is to be a better person.

Physically, that means, better health, muscles, weight loss, healthier skin, better posture, hell even a hair style change. Maybe pierce my ears at that.

Mentally. Integrity, responsibility, self-indulgence and temptation, be more social, freedom from self-imposed restraints: anxiety etc, but the big one is GRIEF. I am fed up with it.

Goals aside from the personal are become a better writer, finish the second draft of my Aux project, which I've given myself 7 months to do. See AVC1 edited and published. Either get a German pen pal and double down on learning it or move onto Russian. Learn my dad's old tools and get into DIY. Make a friend.

[valkwriteshealth]

New year, new me!

I have a lot of personal goals to achieve and personal growth to drag myself kicking and screaming through in this coming year and I can't seem to trust myself to stay on track so this blog is going to document it all.

Monday posts- Writing progress, fun things that have happened, adventures, media I've watched or read etc.

Friday posts- Mental health, physical health, work, and other less fun miscellaneous things.

No one is going to see this, so this is just for me. But if on the off chance someone does...check out my insta @Valk_writes