#it was really really unhealthy but when I say that level of pain makes you absolutely nonfunctional

[cookinguptales]

*stares at the camera in ehlers-danlos syndrome*

[xxsabitoxx]

Ryomen Sukuna NSFW A-Z

Part of my 20k follower celebration (past due)

Warnings: if it isn’t abundantly clear, this is smut :)

A/N: in honor of hitting 20k followers a while back, I’m going to be posting 10 NSFW alphabets for JJK men — scheduled post 11 :) - I've developed an unhealthy obsession with true form Sukuna... he is all I think about now. Forgive me because this one is for sure a bit OOC since he like... loves you

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

If you managed to break the hollow icy shell that is Sukuna’s heart and make yourself someone important to him… Sukuna is pretty damn good with aftercare. He’ll clean you up, even ordering someone to get numbing salves because he tore you the fuck up and he know’s you’ll be sore and aching within a few hours if you aren’t already. He’ll use two arms to cradle you gently while his other set works on cleaning you up and making sure you’re okay. He’ll wait until you’re sleeping to whisper praises to you, telling you that you did so well for him and that he adores you. He’ll never really say these things to you when you’re awake though. 

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Sukuna loves your legs and thighs, he loves your hips and your stomach too. He loves having things to hold and your body provides so much softness for him. He loves to kneel before you – that’s right the king of curses kneeling before you – to lick all the way from the top of your foot up to your inner thigh. He’ll cover your legs in bruises and bites, making sure everyone is well aware that you are his property and nobody else can have you. He adores your stomach, often resting his head against it and letting you pet his hair lovingly. Sukuna will only show this level of vulnerability to you, letting down some – not all – of his walls. 

Sukuna loves his entire body, four arms, two mouths, two dicks, and all. He considers it his masterpiece and it deserves to be worshiped. He has no shame in proclaiming this either. 

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

If he’s not dumping several loads into your cunt/ass then what’s the point? Sukuna treats his cum just as he treats the rest of his body… It's sacred and a privilege to have it. He toys with the idea of painting your face or chest in it but ultimately doesn’t see the point in letting something so valuable go to waste. So creampies are the only way in Sukuna’s eyes. And trust me when I say this man cums a fucking boat-load. I don’t care if it’s realistic or not, he’s making you look bloated by the time he’s done with you.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Sukuna would let you do anything you wanted to him… he just hasn’t found the strength to give you that knowledge yet. He hates the idea of someone holding power over him, which is why he’s ever so mildly terrified of you. You may not realize it, but you have Sukuna wrapped around your finger… that man would kill the entire planet for you if it meant seeing you smile. 

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Sukuna is very experienced, having tens if not hundreds of harlots laying around for his use. But that was before you. You changed his view on that sort of thing and he got rid of every single one of them… you are all he needs to remain satisfied and that is a feeling Sukuna never thought he'd experience in his existence. Sukuna knows what he’s doing and he knows what he’s doing well.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Sukuna’s favorite position is holding you up so your back is pressed to his chest. He has a hand hooked under each of your knees and he’s holding you up that way, spreading you apart further than your legs really allow. Sukuna is either sitting or standing and honestly he prefers when a mirror is present so he can watch your face contort in a mix of pain and pleasure. He has you impaled on his cock, easily able to trust in and out of you as you fall apart. 

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Not even a hint of goofiness in this man when he fucks you. He is all about business… I mean for real it was actually kind of terrifying at first but now you’re used to it. 

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Sukuna doesn’t really give a shit about his hair down there… and yes it’s pink like the rest of his hair. It may sound fucking bizarre but if you want to trim and clean him up down there? He’ll let you do it. You bathe him often so it’s not necessarily out of your comfort zone to sit there and groom his nether region. He doesn’t really care what you do down there either. You can simply trim him to your liking or shave him bald. Whatever you’re into, he truly doesn’t care. 

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Sukuna is… romantic in his own way. He’s not detached from the situation at hand and he’s not focused entirely on himself. Sukuna shows his “romantic” side by letting you cum, maybe sparing you a few kisses, rubbing his thumb across the nail marks he left on your legs… he’s not one to say “I love you” or really express how much you mean to him. But it’s the small, subtle little things that hint towards his affection for you. 

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He’s got four hands, you’d think he’d use one of them to get himself off but he simply doesn’t see a need for that when he can have a random whore come do it for him. When it comes to you though? You never leave him, like Uraume, you’ve earned your spot by his side. He has you to assist him with those kinds of needs when they arise (heh). Though, he’s amused you once or twice by jerking himself off for your own enjoyment. Making a show of using two hands to jerk off his two cocks but stopping just before he comes because – as i’ve said – he doesn’t like to waste any of it, not a single drop can be spared. 

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Slave/Master kink for one… he just likes the feeling of being superior even though he doesn't need to “roleplay” to get that feeling. BDSM… or whatever equivalent there is for the Heian period. He likes it rough, messy, even a little bloody. Sukuna has a massive breeding kink but doesn’t want kids, he just likes the idea of filling you over and over again (regardless if you have the ability to get pregnant or not). Dacryphilia for sure, your tears turn him on. Orgasm control (both denying and overstimulation) are just another aspect that plays into his love of power. Sukuna loves restraints in any form, not him, though. He will for sure try and fist you. 

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Anywhere. Sukuna will fuck you where ever the fuck he wants too with no shame. He’ll fuck you on his bed, ruin the luxurious sheets and break the bedframe over and over. It’s gotten to the point where he actually got rid of it all together because he was sick of the wood splintering and nearly hurting you. Sukuna can and will fuck you on a raised platform in front of his petrified subjects. He wants everyone to know who you belong too – even if you don’t need to be fucked stupid in front of hundreds of people for them to know. It’s quite obvious. To be totally honest, Sukuna loves the mess and mayhem of fucking you in the tub. Watching the water slosh everywhere then ordering a maid to come clean up the damage, it makes him laugh. 

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

There is an innocence to you that really gets Sukuna going. You’ve done the most downright filthy things with him, you’ve stood beside him as he makes a bloody mess of someone… but somehow you still retain this sort of innocence to you that he loves to try and taint. It’s not to say you’re oblivious… you’re very smart in Sukuna’s eyes and he knows you have a mean streak. But when you’re with him… there is something about you that he wants to break so badly and he has such fun trying to do so… you’re resilient which would usually piss him off to no end… but with you it’s endearing and he can’t figure out why he can’t get enough (you’re in love dumb ass) 

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Shit. Yeah no that’s the one thing he can not and will not deal with. He’s had his fair share of bodily fluids – to say the least without going into detail. But he draws the line at anything to do with vomit or scat. It disturbs him… which is saying a lot. He’s had women offered to him as sacrifice that have done several things in fear and he can say he truthfully cannot handle it. Also, no threesomes ever. He’s not sharing you. 

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He’s a healthy combination of both (shocking). Sukuna loves watching you struggle to even take one of his cocks in your mouth nevermind both. But your mouth feels so damn good even though you struggle to get more than the tip past your lips. Sukuna loves to go down on you though, keeping your thighs spread apart so he can eat you as he pleases. Your arousal just tastes so good to him, he can’t get enough and he will not stop until he’s satisfied. 

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Rough and cruel for the most part. But he can be even meaner when he goes unbearably slow, splitting you open agonizingly with two cocks opposed to one just to see those pretty tears slip down your cheeks as you beg and plead for mercy (mercy he never gives). Sukuna will fuck you stupid with one cock most of the time, that’s his little bit of kindness towards you, but you’ll get fucked twice at least… ya know… gotta get the second cock off too. He’ll give you a choice, get fucked twice with one cock each time or get fucked once with two… mind you it’s never just once even if it’s two cocks at the same time or one each. You’re smart enough to take one cock multiple times unless you want to be bedridden because you can’t walk. Both options have happened to you many times though… so you really can’t tell why he offers you a choice. 

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Sex can take up a whole day when it comes to Sukuna. So, no, he despises quickies. He doesn’t like to be rushed, he doesn’t care if he gets caught, he’ll make people watch. What is there that would really appeal to him??? It seems more annoying than anything really. 

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He will experiment but only on his own accord. He won’t say it outright but Sukuna is at least a bit mindful of the experiments he does… he doesn’t want to really hurt you or scare you away. So he picks and chooses what he wants to try on you. If there is something very intriguing to him that he worries will make you uncomfortable? He’ll force two other people to play it out while he watches and decides from there… he’s oddly considerate of you in that sense. 

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

As you saw above… sex can be an all-day process for Sukuna. He can last as long as he wants to… and I mean that seriously. His stamina is infinite, nothing will stop him but himself. He can go multiple rounds until you’re so fucked out you’ve lost count. He can last anywhere from 15-25 minutes per round, he could last much longer but his goal is inevitably to cum so why bother… praying for you honestly. 

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Toys like we know today don’t exist within his era (the Heian period) and honestly?? Sukuna is a fucking jungle gym in his own right so you really don’t need toys… and even if they did exist and were at his disposal? Sukuna isn’t using them. Why the hell would he rely on a stupid little toy to get you off when he’s more than capable?? He’s not intimidated by them, he just would think they’re absolutely useless… modern day though… if you begged him for a vibrator he would probably cave and get you one. He may even find amusement in it. 

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Sukuna and fair do not belong in the same sentence so it should shock nobody that this man will tease you until you are nearly dry heaving with how hard you’re crying. He will tease you for hours, to the point it feels like genuine torture, before he feels like getting you off. Then, the unfair attitude continues because he will not stop even when you start begging him to. He likes how quickly he can make you regret your words, seeing those pretty fat globs of tears leaking down your cheeks only makes the experience better for him. 

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Sukuna will curse and groan but that’s about it. He won’t try and hide his noises, either, but he will try and make sure he’s not too loud. It’s rare to get a moan, whine, or whimper out of him. Especially since he has such good control over himself. But he will not hesitate to groan about how good his cock is feeling because of you… he has to give you a little something to get you to stick around, ya know? Not that you have a choice… and not that you’d really want to leave him anyways… giving up your luxurious lifestyle and being on the king of curses’ good side isn’t something just anyone can obtain, you know. 

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Sukuna hates your family, ever since you were dropped off to him to be a sacrifice. He doesn’t care about his donors and their sacrifices since all of them are mediocre pieces of shit at best. Though he knows a scumbag like him is not one to talk. But you? You arrived to him nearly beaten to death, half naked, with little to no emotion left in you. What the hell was he supposed to do with that? Where was the fun in playing with something that was already half dead. Though, as he was about to kill you, something in your expression moved his icy heart. That truly petrified him but he’d never let anyone know it. He kept you instead of killing you, ordering for the immediate execution of your rotten family instead. He likes to joke that he had the perfect specimen nursed back to health, in his eyes you really were perfect. 

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Sukuna is a tall man… while we don’t know his exact height in true form… he’s been guesstimated to be anywhere from 7.5 feet to 9.8 feet. A tall man is going to have a monstrous cock… or cocks in his case. When he’s soft he’s about 8.5 inches in length, and when he’s hard he’s just over 11 inches. He’s monstrous, girthy and sticks straight out… both of them do. He will hurt… he will make you feel like you’re getting ripped in half and he will often try and fist you to prepare you for him. He cannot fit all the way inside of you, as much as he’d love to, he's not trying to kill you by rupturing your organs. He’s a tan color, one dick is circumcised, the other is not… he was feeling quirky,  and has a deep rosy pink tip… or tips… you know what I mean. 

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Sukuna has to fuck you at least twice a day, if he doesn’t, he’s extremely irritable. He has at least 5 hours of his day set aside just for you. But really he makes his own schedule so he can do whatever the fuck he wants when he wants to. His sex drive is pretty damn high and he does absolutely nothing to deal with it or hold off. He will get off the moment he wants too. 

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Sukuna prefers falling asleep after you do, which can be pretty instant considering how long he may have been fucking you. So the answer is anywhere between 30 seconds and 10 minutes. 

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for breaking up with my boyfriend because he likes my body?

TW for ED but please hear me out:

My bf (30m) and I (28f) have been together for a little over 5 years. When we got together I had an extremely stressful and physically demanding job. Shortly after our relationship started I relapsed with an eating disorder that had been a problem since prepubescence; I started restricting heavily at age 11 and had struggled with it on/off since then.

After quitting that terrible job and regaining some agency in my life, I spent a couple of years really focused on recovery. Without giving specific numbers (cause triggering) I'll say that I was extremely underweight to an unhealthy level for at least a year and experienced severe health complications because of it. I nearly died from heart problems and had a big wakeup call that caused me to change my whole life. I've done the work of recovery without medical help (history of omission with doctors) but have had support from my bf, and am currently at the highest weight of my life.

at a recent checkup my Dr talked a lot about "healthy lifestyle" and mentioned my weight gain over the past couple of years. I'm still within the "normal" range for my height and build, but the after visit summary/chart notes denoted risk of becoming overweight. Idk if my Dr would have brought it up if my history of ED was in my chart, (and I did switch primary care practices a few years ago, so they weren't treating me at my thinnest) but it still shook me a bit and I will admit to feeling very triggered.

The job I moved to is quite sedentary compared to the previous terrible one - I wfh, and very rarely have to be on my feet or do strenuous activity. In addition, I have chronic pain issues that make exercise difficult, and so historically have just restricted to maintain/lose weight because it's easier for me physically to just be hungry than to work out. I didn't want to go down that road again though because of how intense and scary it got last time.

My bf is a personal trainer and specializes in working with low ability clients and people recovering from long illness/injury. When I told him that I wanted to start exercising more often and get a good cardio routine going, he was really excited and started immediately putting together an "action plan" (what he calls it w his clients idk) for me. Then he mentioned how I'd need to add on a bunch of meal supplements and snacks to avoid losing weight and I got upset.

We're a plant-based (vegan) household and live with a roommate (bf's friend) so mostly eat/cook communal dinners and have various breakfast & lunch plans on hand, so we already eat pretty healthy and make sure to have a good balance of macro/micro in the meal plan. My intent was to eat the same but increase my activity level to get out of the danger zone without restricting. I don't generally snack and rarely eat dessert, just the 3 squares.

I told my bf that I needed to lose weight and be more active according to my doctor, and that I wasn't comfortable with having protein supplements, smoothies, and snacks in addition to regular meals because that would defeat the purpose. He got really sad and said that he likes the way my body is now, and while he supports being more active, he doesn't want the size of me to change. His exact words at some point were "you look so good now, I love the amount of you that there is and I like the way you jiggle." It kind of made me feel sick and wonder if he has like a secret size fetish or something?

So I've been thinking of breaking things off with him and moving in with a friend or back in with my parents, but idk if this is actually a red flag or just the disorder talking? He did help me a lot with recovery but if he's going to keep me from being healthy or wants me to gain even more weight then maybe it's better to leave - would this be an asshole move? I honestly don't know.

[oceanwithouthermoon]

okok let me finally do my analysis on kusuke and makoto parallels like ive talked about a thousand times (obvious warning that im gonna talk about incest, and also that im gonna be talking about a gag manga in a serious light so if that upsets you just go away ✌️)... yippee, perverted older brothers with unhealthy dynamics with their powerful younger siblings analysis!!

the most obvious parallel is in their interactions with the others sibling. they literally have the same exact meeting, they both go from being fake nice to "my sibling is special and youre not worthy of them"

not included in pictures but also note that kusuo got rid of makoto by calling on kokomi and kokomi got rid of kusuke by calling on her fans

"the second hes distracted, LETS GO"

"we're the only ones who can match up to each other"

kusukes idea of kusuo being inhuman also influences the way this is treated i think- he tells kokomi that marrying a beautiful man will suit her best and that kusuo is above that kind of thing (aka actual romantic and aesthetic attraction), and it seems that being the only ones who can measure up to each other is probably the closest, in his eyes, that kusuo can get to love (confirmed in my opinion by the marriage/engagement symbolism a few pictures down⬇️). thats why he thinks theyre the only ones worthy of each other even if he doesnt see kusuo in the exact same way as makoto sees kokomi. if that makes any sense :p these are obviously already parallel on surface level, but id say theyre even more similar if you look deeply into it

"i know everything youre thinking" and "everyone else looks like monkeys to me"

associating their sibling with heaven/god

a certain fixation on their sibling's body... top two are specifically them trying to see their sibling naked without consent

? not sure how to describe this. implications of engagement/marriage? this use of an explicitly romantic symbol actually confuses me in kusukes case but thats not really relevant here...

theyre the reason their sibling cant relax or be themself even at home... also note that kusuo specifically says that kusuos masochism (which i guess in some contexts masochism can be non-sexual but in this situation, since kusuke is canonically a pervert and there are several implications and allusions to sexual pleasure, it obviously means he gets SEXUAL pleasure from pain/humiliation) is the main reason he doesnt like him. likewise, kokomi is bothered by makotos overprotective and overbearing nature, though unfortunately she doesnt seem to be aware of his sister complex and thinks hes just being an annoying big brother.

not necessarily something that can be captured in a picture but theres also the fact that they both have pretty perfect lives but are still obsessed with their sibling and only their sibling, its all they really care about and their entire lives depend on them.

makoto is extremely attractive, charming when hes trying to be, and is a famous actor... he clearly gets girls. but he doesnt want any of them because hes stuck in his obsession with kokomi, shes the only girl he wants and its ruined his perception of other girls. he believes hes the only one that can be right for kokomi and touch her, and that likewise kokomi is the only girl he can be with. her presence dictates his life, he skips work just to follow her around and prevent her from getting involved with other guys. we only see maybe a few sentences from him where he isnt talking about kokomi, even when hes on tv.

kusuke is an attractive and charming genius, easily pulls girls, cambridge graduate, and is the favorite child in his family. but none of that matters, it only sets him apart from other humans and gives him a skewed perspective of anyone who isnt kusuo. he believes kusuo is the only person he can get that sadomasochistic pleasure from, and kusuo is the reason he developed it in the first place and he specifically seeks him out and coerces him into it. he really only cares about his family, theyre the only people in the world that are worth anything in his eyes, and his only interactions with anyone else have been using them as tools to get to kusuo. his life goal is (or was, before the end of cat tank arc) defeating kusuo. he has cameras in his familys house that hes presumably constantly watching, implied by him being ALREADY watching before his parents even called him about kusuos limiter.

[lavendermin]

the lovers, reversed | stellaron hunter sunday

pairing | sunday x fem!reader

wc | 1.6k

genre | angst, one sided love, unrealized feelings

warnings | mdni, alcohol mention, brief mention of sex, blood, wounds, unhealthy relationship, spoiler I guess if sunday really does end up being a stellaron hunter (have not yet played 2.3)

Fresh wounds, a few gashes. Nothing he couldn't treat. Because you wouldn't have anyone else though Firefly has always offered.

"Hold still," Sunday quietly instructs as steady hands work quickly to disinfect and dress unsightly marred skin.

You wince and clutch the sheets until your knuckles turn white. The pain was never easy, but a consequence of your recklessness nonetheless.

Under deft fingers you're all skin, no shame. Not when it's him.

Another whimper you can't suppress escapes your lips, and maybe it finally breaks something in him because you hear him sigh quietly. With his teeth he swiftly pulls off one of his gloves and holds it to your lips.

"Bite down on this," he instructs, voice calm and level. "There's still debris in one of the gashes. I have to take them out one by one."

You can only nod, not registering much else as the pain has your vision tunneling. It's another twenty minutes as he tries to work as quickly as possible. It takes everything to keep his composure despite your muffled cries of discomfort.

"This should have been done in the medical wing." Sunday's reprimand has little to no bite as he clears the medical supplies from the coffee table he had pulled up from across your room.

Your breath is weak and shaky, but still a gentle thing he's used to. "Too bright in there. Makes me feel like a lab rat within those white walls."

"Smells too clean?" he chuckles. Something he can't help around you more recently. There's an innocent and peculiar way you view things. Much like–

Sunday shuts the cabinet in your bathroom a bit harsher than he intended. He can't think of her... not right now. It would only bring emotions he didn't need to process—couldn't process at the moment.

There's red on his hands, on his clothes, staining his once pristine gloves. The awful metallic smell feels like it’s burned into his nostrils—a nauseating mix of crimson and the strong smell of sterilizers as he cleans the tools. His hands work on their own under the running water of your sink, almost out of body as his mind wanders. There’s a slight tremble he catches. Pathetic, he thinks, unable to keep it together in such a dire time.

The 'script' did not mention anything of a necessary death, but of course it would never detail wounds or misfortunes in detail. Some of those just come with the job. And sometimes he would feel a bubbling anger at the twisted fates that often befell you. But he knows it's a spiral that leaves him down a foggy road, one he shouldn't tread on.

Still, you're alive, and he's here. And for now, that's enough.

Your strained voice pulls him back to his body. Back to the present with a clearer head.

Right. The painkillers.

Sunday is quickly back by your side, pushing the small pill past your lips and lifting your face gently to give you water.

"You forgot," you tease despite your hoarse voice.

And those golden eyes you love dearly can't even bear to look at you as he sits next to you on the bed. There's no response other than a halfhearted hum he gives you. You know he didn't forget, and his lack of correction knowing how matter-of-fact he is only further sinks your heart.

But you don't get to tell your heart who to love.

The now-wrinkled glove he gave you is placed next to his leg. "Sorry I messed up. I'll buy you a new pair."

"Thank you..."

"You're wel-"

"You should say ‘thank you’. For the gesture. But don't apologize for the inevitable from missions. What's done is done," Sunday interrupts, voice firm. A little cold.

"I-" You're cut off as he grabs your wrist, his eyes unfocused as he looks at the ground.

"If you had done as I said– You could have gone missing. A lot of things could have gone wrong. Don't use yourself as bait. If anything happens to me, you escape by any means necessary. Understand?"

The grip is a little less than comfortable and you can only nod. Obedient only if it was his words that commanded. It brought a feeling he didn't want to describe rushing through his chest. The way your eyes looked at him—a mix of fear and blind adoration. It made him nauseous to consider himself worthy of such affection.

The morals of why he kept you by his side—of why he sought you during moments of his own damned weakness... He would dwell on that another time. If his morals were in a slow decline, perhaps he would even turn to burn the words stuck in his throat with the liquid he once detested and swore would never stain his lips. The liquid courage might bring him tumbling into your arms, an eagerness to be held and soothed for the sin he feels tainted with.

That maybe in his drunken stupor with his face buried in your neck and his throbbing frustration filling you up, he would realize even in nothingness, there is you. Always you.

A rebound. A close second. A replacement.

Sunday subconsciously has been latching onto you. It’s something he doesn’t remember starting, something he can’t stop nor explain. You, who are like an injured little dove to him, easily hurt and predictable in seeking comfort with his presence.

At first he firmly tried to keep his distance, remain cordial. But now… You provide him some psychological need to keep his same routine from before or have some semblance of familiarity amidst this new path he's been set on. This relationship was just something platonic, he swears by this. Just an innate need to protect and guide you since you were also a clumsy new recruit.

You couldn't help it—falling for him. Slowly being consumed by an infatuation that morphed into a hopeful yearning that filled your chest with a syrupy thickness of strong emotions you were inexperienced with.

And Sunday was at a loss. That wasn't part of the plan. Well…granted he didn't have much of a plan with you. The platonic acquaintance he had built with you was nothing more than for his own gratification. His desperate attempt at normalcy. Someone to fill the void of not being able to see his dear sister.

Still... you're so willing to just give and give and give to him. Anything, for even the slightest possibility of returned affection. Even if you don't outright confess to him, he sees it. In your actions, your speech, your eyes.

Would it truly be so bad to take that which is offered in earnest?

A heart in his hands with nothing to show for it. Lies to himself that this closeness is his attempt to bring you salvation. To settle your heart.

He knows how your script ends, looming over his consciousness. Testing his heart as if he were a newborn god stumbling over his first creation meeting its written demise. Some part of him is too scared to ask if you know it, too. Maybe there's still some naïveté in him if he believes for a second that you don't. A hope that your heart remains innocent and lovely and–

For now Sunday lets you love. It would be a bitter thing to not take the heart you have handed to him.

The painkillers have started to work, your body finally able to sleep for a bit after he changed your soiled sheets from treating your wounds. Before he leaves, Sunday presses his lips to your knuckles and idles for a few moments to watch your steady breathing. Sweat glistens on your brow from the exertion the wound treatment put on your body. Your endurance was nothing to be laughed at.

Sunday doesn't need to turn to know who's outside your door when he leaves.

"Was there something you needed?" The question lacks any warmth.

Kafka chuckles where she leans against the wall, fiddling with a card in her hands. "Here to drop off your compensation for the mission and look after the little lamb," she replies simply, throwing the card to him. He catches it between two fingers. "She lost her phone this past mission so make sure to give her that card for the time being."

Sunday's eyes narrow. "I'm looking after her."

"Poor thing sent me a message asking that I check in on her so she won't bother you. Unless that's a problem?" Her unreadable smile is something Sunday is growing to detest.

"Not necessary. I'll be handling it." His voice is firm, a warning woven into his tone with careful consideration. A natural habit from his years as the head of the Oak Family.

"Really now? If you don't want me looking after her due to trust issues then Bladie can–"

"No." Sunday can feel his heart pounding in his ears, a frustration deep-set in his veins at the pure thought of someone that isn't him near you when you're at your most vulnerable. He wishes he could wipe that smile off Kafka's face. Victim of her teasing again. Remember your composure, a conditioned mind rings. With a clear of his throat, he continues, "No, that won't be necessary. I've already cleared my schedule to ensure her wounds are looked after so there isn't any scarring. I'll take care of it."

Kafka relents and pats his shoulder as she passes him. "Very well, birdie. Sounds like you have our little lamb's heart in your pocket. Or perhaps it's your own?"

Before Sunday can ask her what she means, she's already vanished from his sight. His hand reaches into his jacket pocket when he feels something rigid and pulls out a card he's sure she placed there.

A tarot card depicting a dove perched on a lamb. The lovers.

[drdemonprince]

I’m part of a large kink group on Facebook. Like 40k+ people. I love it because people ask for help about anything and everything and members of the group are supportive and positive and it’s like “trading cookie recipe” level normal regardless of what is asked. Except like when there is obvious dubious shit going down with bad boundaries, lack of clear consent etc. people are honest and give good advice about that.

However I saw a post a few days ago that kinda stumped me. It was in response to another post that got taken down and I didn’t see it so not sure of context but basically post was about feeding fetishes. And how that OP who removed their post should not be encouraging something that is so inherently bad for someone’s health. It talked a Lot about being fat and the toll on the healthcare system and how this person should be asking why they’re attracted to that and doing some inner work. Then went on to say it is basically the Most harmful form of kink or fetish because it makes people unhealthy and then a burden on the healthcare system. It tried to come off like out of concern for people’s health and wellbeing but really just stank of fat phobia and shaming people for being into kinks that involve fat people, therefore shaming the fat people themselves.

What kinda got to me was that no one was challenging them. So I didn’t feel comfortable jumping in like maybe I’m in the wrong and this is the general consensus out there? I am fat, enjoy kink although not into the whole feeding thing personally.

The idea that someone should sit down with someone else and ask a bunch of questions about their fat kinks and why they feel this way when it’s generally accepted that even things like cnc and rapeplay etc are not questioned (because it would be weird for people to act like your therapist before wanting to fuck you) is so strange to me.

I guess their point was that feeding kinks are encouraging over eating and obesity which is bad, but other kinks could arguably be also inflicting physical pain and also reinforcing emotional distress and yet we’re not all out there trying to be doctors for each other…

I don’t know it was just weird. Wondered what your thoughts are on it.

Nah, they're full of shit and fatphobic and you can tell that by the fact they're spreading the usual concern-trolling unscientific nonsense about *besity and health. They're disgusted by fat and by the idea a person might actively want to become fat and couching it in the language of concern, replicating the exact disgust-as-morality cueing that the sex negative Puritans would against them. It's bullshit but it's incredibly commonplace. Even some fat people wring their hands against feedism/gaining/fat fetish stuff because of their own internalized respectability politics, but it's bunk, because if there's nothing wrong with loving fat people or finding them desirable, or with enjoying being fat, then there's no shame in wanting to become fat or wanting the world to have more fat people.

Feedism, gaining, fat fetishism are all great. It's great to derive sexual pleasure from being fat or being with fat partners, and it's lovely to want to become more fat. More people should do it.

[deadbydangit]

hi! i would like to request a prompt.

how do you think the killers would react to a survivor!reader who screams extremely loud when injured?

I think I can do that. I'm sorry this one is a little shorter. I had a hard time coming up with ideas. Please enjoy.

With a Reader who is very loud when injured: Ghostface, Trickster, Pinhead

Ghostface

Danny actually enjoys watching people get hurt.

To an almost unhealthy level.

Like, seeing people fall down and get mildly hurt?

To him, that's hilarious.

But he takes it several steps further.

He's the guy laughing at horror movies when people are getting stabbed to death.

"Ha! It's funny cause they were stupid."

He'll say some dumb frat boy shit like that.

He really enjoys the sound of people screaming in pain.

The louder the scream, the funnier it is.

He finds a sick sense of humor in it.

You can ask him why, but he'll give you the same answer every time.

"Uh, because it's funny."

He's kind of an asshole.

But you?

"Okay, babe, I know I said I like the sound of people and pain and screaming at all but, like, chill. Okay?"

"Seriously, there's loud. And then there's you."

"I came out to have fun and kill, and now I can't hear shit."

But, he uses your scream as an excuse.

He won't ever go after you.

And if you ask why?

"Your scream is like, torture. I'll take my chances with the Entity."

Well, he isn't exactly lying. So you can't get mad at him.

He calls that a win-win situation.

Trickster

The sound of screams?

Music to his ears.

If you thought Danny had a sick obsession with screams and people's pain, you haven't seen anything yet.

Ji-Woon lives for the sound of people in pain.

So much so that he uses it to create music.

"The last sound a human ever makes? It's a beautiful sound isn't it?"

He gets way too excited about it.

Your screams?

He'd rather listen to nails on a chalkboard.

You'll always catch him covering his ears when you scream.

Unlike danny, he'll still hunt you in a trial if you're in one together.

But, he won't record your screens for his music.

Don't take offense to it though.

He'll make sure to show you and tell you all the other ways you're special to him.

So what if you don't have pretty sounding screams?

You have so many more great qualities to you.

And, if you ever feel humiliated about not sounding pretty enough for him, he'll list all the other reasons why he loves you.

If you feel left out because you aren't in any of his songs, he'll find a way to include you.

Just, you know, not your atrocious screams.

Pinhead

You know what they say.

Pain is pleasure.

That's kind of his whole thing.

Elliot loves the sound of your screams.

He loves the sound of all screams.

As long as they are screams of pain, he's happy.

In fact, he seems to like yours more since they convey more emotion.

The more agony and suffering in the person, the more he enjoys the sound.

It's only to be expected of Hell's high priest.

Now, just because he likes the sound of your screams, doesn't mean he's going to go out of his way to attack you during a trial.

You'll be given a fair chance just like everyone else.

And, if he happens upon you, then it's up to skill after that.

He finds himself very fascinated by her screaming.

He didn't think a normal human could scream that loud.

Or that intensely.

He would love to experiment on it more.

However, he will refrain from causing you unnecessary pain.

Even though he likes the sound of your pain. He knows you don't like it.

And he loves you enough to respect those boundaries.

Even when you're screaming at the top of your lungs and pain, he'll hold his laughter back.

He wouldn't do that for anyone else.

It's a bizarre way of showing affection.

But, hey, it's a start.

[engeorged]

Dear Alex

Dear Alex,

I can’t really remember how many times I’ve started writing this letter and how many times I’ve thrown it in the bin. It’s a really shitty way of doing this but I just don’t think I can tell you any of this to your face. I’m too embarrassed. It all started as a prank, a way to level the tables with the both of us. I meant to tell you sooner but I guess it got out of hand and here we are. I’m gonna have to start at the beginning I think. You’ll know all of this, just not my side of it I guess.

After university when we moved in together I wasn’t sure we’d last as room mates for more than a few months but it was so easy hanging out with you and we were both the same level of untidy so we didn’t piss each other off. We did have those tricky few weeks a few years back when we dated the same guy without realising but he turned into the biggest ballsack on the planet so it wasn’t hard to get over that!

I’m only mentioning that because that’s not the reason I got you fat. It wasn’t revenge for anything. I don’t fully remember the original reason to be completely honest, it wasn’t really a thought through thing, it just sort of happened. And yeah I know I just threw that it there. I got you fat. I mean you definitely played your part in it but I really messed with you man and I’m sorry.

It was innocent at first, I noticed when you started your new job and you were tired all the time, you started going to the gym less. I think it was when we were decorating the kitchen one weekend and you were painting the ceiling, I saw your rounded little pot belly when you were reaching up. All those late night take aways and evenings sat in front of the tv watching the football were taking their toll. Your flat muscled six pack was disappearing. It instantly filled me with hope. You had a flaw I could exploit!

It pains me to say this but of the two of us, you’d always been the hot one. Don’t get me wrong, on my own, I’m not bad looking. In fact if someone asked me I’d probably say I was a nine, it’s just that next to you, I’m a seven at best. Your blonde hair and permanently tanned skin made you the hottest guy in most rooms. All 6’5 of you was built like a cartoon of a rugby player which made it even worse! You’re a solid ten man and you always have been. I don’t think I realised how jealous I was until I saw you had a flaw. That solid curved furry belly I glimpsed gave me the seed of an idea. If you were fatter, it might even the playing field. I’m not proud of this, I just think you’d reserve the truth.

It started gently at first, I’d make twice the amount of food I’d normally make when it was my turn to cook. I’d pack the fridge with snacks and unhealthy things for you to pick at. I’d hand you beers when we were watching the game. You were so zoned into the match you never noticed me topping up your snacks or replacing the bud lights with full fat beers. Over a few months I watched as your little curve turned into a more substantial beer belly. And fuck you if it wasn’t the most perfect beer belly I’d ever seen. I was hoping it would make you less hot but turned out it made you hotter. Instead of a flabby pimply gut covered in stretch marks, you developed a firm round belly with perfect skin and even kept your Adonis belt. That’s when it got serious.

The first thing was gainer shakes. I started sprinkling gainer powder in everything, adding it to every meal or sauce I could dissolve it into. Everything I cooked for you was loaded with butter and ghee to double the calorie count. I found larger versions of our plates so that I could increase your portion sizes without you realising. I even started buying your clothes a size up and replacing the labels so you wouldn't realise. I was literally feeding you up like a fattened calf. And boy did you balloon. The first phase was months long and you gained 20/30lbs but this second phase was like you were being filled with an air pump. I can’t really believe I could do this to someone, especially someone who I would call my best friend.

It all came to a head yesterday when I crossed the line big time. That’s why I’m writing this letter now and actually sending it. I can hear you now snoring from your bedroom. Sleeping off the mammoth meal I stuffed into you across the evening. I’ve been awake all night and I keep going in to check on you to make sure you’re still breathing. I can’t believe you ate as much as you did and I can’t believe I pushed you into doing it.

I was only planning on slipping you a few of the tablets I found online. They were definitely safe and I want you to know I checked them and double checked them to make sure they were ok for human consumption. I guess that gives away the fact that they were actually for animals. I think they are used by wagyu beef farmers to get cows fattened up before they are butchered. They are supposed to increase appetite and metabolism. I popped two in your beer before the game and started my usual sneaky increase in your snacks. It wasn’t hard as you always put a lot away when our team is winning and they were three goals up by half time. I think at that point you’d eaten two bowls of Doritos and dip, a plate of sliders and a whole pan of chilli which I think would have served 8 comfortably. That was on top of the best of a crate of twelve beers. Your belly was swollen up to it’s usual bulging mass and you were already rubbing the sides to alleviate some pressure. I should have stopped there but I couldn’t help myself. I slipped you another few of the tablets. I guess in hindsight, the first two hadn’t properly kicked in at that point which meant that by the time the second half had started they were in full force. I couldn’t keep up with the snacks and you’d pretty much polished off the lot by the time the match had ended.

For the record it was your idea to order pizza. Your belly at that point was totally rounded out and your T-shirt was stretched over it’s taut surface. I guess you were pretty buzzed because you ordered four xl meat feasts. I didn’t really have any choice but to let it happen. And you might not remember any of this but you basically inhaled the first two. By that point you were fully maxed out. Your belly was tight and even the xxxl T-shirt you were wearing (that you thought was an xl) was beginning to show a few inches of your swollen belly. You could hardly move and I felt awful. Well that’s not totally true. I was actually pretty pleased at the state of you. My plan after all was to make you gain a few pounds so I’d be hotter than you and you’d basically blimped.

Anyway, what happened next I am truly ashamed about. You were laying there on the sofa clutching at your belly. The tablets clearly convincing your brain you were still starving, even thought your belly was basically an exercise ball now. And you were just moaning with the two pizzas next to you. And that’s when I snapped. I jumped up and shoved a whole slice into your mouth. You gaged but then after a few chews swallowed it right down. Slice by slice I pushed the remaining two huge pizzas down your throat. I could literally see your belly blowing up in front of me. When eventually I reached into the box for the next piece and found nothing, I realised what I’d done. I stepped back and looked at you. Spread eagle on the sofa, your belly sticking way up and round. Covered in sweat and grease. It’s as if I stepped out of my own body and realised what I had done to you. You were fucking huge man.

I left the room and went to my own to consider what to do next. I was half appalled and half in awe at the size of you man. When I came in half an hour later you were fast asleep and snoring like a pig, your gut still very much occupying its space. Guiltily, I managed to get you into your bed and laid you on your back so your belly could reach its full swell. I pulled your belt off so your stomach wasn’t under any pressure. I didn’t want you to pop or anything.

As I said I know our friendship is probably over but I want you to know I’m truly sorry. I took this way too far and I regret it. I’m happy for you to do what you need to do, and if that’s punch me in the face then so be it. I hope that in a few weeks you’ll be able to forgive me but if not then I understand and I will move out if that’s what you want.

In the spirit of fully disclosure, I want you to know that even though you’re maybe 100lbs fatter than you were, I still think you’re a ten. In fact if I’m really honest, I think you might even be hotter than that. Your belly last night was horrifying but also strangely attractive. The firm roundness of it and knowing how much food I’d crammed in there was actually quite erotic. Sorry if that’s tmi but I think I wanted you to have the whole truth. I have a small suspicion that you’ve actually enjoyed getting bigger and if that’s wrong then I’m sorry for presuming. But I actually wonder how big we could get that thing.

Let me know what I can do to make it up to you, or if I’m right and you wanna continue.

Yours apologetically (and hopefully)

Nate

Continued at Dear Nate

For the rest of my stories click here

[ropebuny]

have you even ever been raped before? it's just disgusting, because being raped is one of the most awful things in the entire world. i wish i could remove my pain and give it to someone who "wants" it.

I have been raped and sexually assaulted / abused multiple times throughout my childhood, both as a toddler and as well as a young teen, by strangers as well as friends (who I thought were my close friends at the time, who I could trust) & by my high school boyfriend at the time, as well as by a family member. I am fully aware how disgusting it is and what a horrible experience it is, and I have been diagnosed with ptsd because of how these experiences have negatively impacted me going forward in my life. I have panic attacks when walking anywhere alone, I literally cannot be left alone with an older stranger or I will have a panic attack, I have constant flashbacks and nightmares and intrusive thoughts bringing me back to my assaults every single day, my main reason for self harm have always been these experiences, and I never received any justice for what had happened and I had also never received any support from my parents or friends at the time. I could never talk about these experiences with anyone because it was too taboo to bring up, no one wants to hear that and people would get visibly uncomfortable when I tried to speak on it. I completely understand what a sick act rape and sexual assault are, and how badly it can fuck you up because my experiences have definitely completely rewired my brain to the point that I never feel truly safe when left alone with someone, close friend or not. I have also been sexually assaulted multiple times since turning 18 and becoming legally an adult, though the cnc fantasy is mostly based around my childhood trauma. it’s where my fantasy to be taken against my will stems from mostly. I want to be able to turn these past experiences into enjoyable ones with my lover, and I want to feel safe knowing that it’s not real. feeling the security in knowing that I can say a safeword whenever and they will immediately stop. that makes me feel like I am now the one in charge. that I am the one who has the ability to choose whether it continues or not, because when I was being assaulted in real life, I always froze. I always froze and did nothing to help myself or stand up for myself, I just let it happen out of freezing terror that overcame me. when playing around with a partner, I have that security that it’s not real, that I’m not actually in danger. that I am the one in charge finally.

I feel really fucked about having these desires too, and me and my psychiatrist have been trying to work out what might be beneficial for me and he seems to be accepting of me exploring cnc with someone I trust and reshaping my traumatic experiences into something new, into feeling desired on an unhealthy level by my partner. I’m not too sure how to explain it. I apologise for any discomfort my posts have caused you and I am sorry for what you went through. my posts were never meant as me wishing genuine and non-consensual trauma upon myself, it was all meant to be understood as consensual play between me and a trusted, loving partner. my posts were never meant to be condoning these acts in the real world, outside of consensual play between adults who love each other. I know that I am safe when indulging in this play with my trusted partner, and it turns that previously negative experience into a now positive one that brings me closer to my partner due to the intense trust that we have been able to form in order for me to even want to engage in such play. it’s not something I engage in with random people, I need to know and trust the person who is roleplaying as an abuser. but that’s just how I personally experience cnc, I know others don’t mind engaging in this kind of play with strangers as well.

I understand your concerns, and I really hope you are healing from your experiences, but I also don’t feel too good having to write out my defense on here on why I should be ‘allowed’ to have certain fantasies. I don’t like talking about the real rape / sexual abuse that were forced on me throughout my childhood, many people on here get off on actual trauma stories and I never felt comfortable bringing up my real experiences because of that very reason. that’s why I never went into detail regarding what trauma I personally have and have not experienced on this blog because I wanted to keep it strictly sexual and consensual on my page, and I never felt that me bringing up my real experiences, especially the ones from my childhood, would benefit me in any way at all - and might actually, and very likely, put me in uncomfortable situations with weird people (who are into getting off on real trauma stories) then engaging with me.

I remember seeing a girl on here being asked by an anon if she’s ever been raped and she replied with something like “nooo, I wish I was >_<“ and I remember how horrible it made me feel regarding my experiences as well. so I entirely understand where you’re coming from and I am truly sorry for the trauma that you have experienced and I apologise that my blog has affected you in a negative way, it was never my intention. although people who have been abused throughout their life, like you and I, are very likely to develop sexual desires and kinks that explore their trauma. but sometimes, people who have no experience with that whatsoever, like that girl I mentioned a few sentences ago, will also develop them. and they aren’t necessarily automatically bad people for it either. it all depends on how you act outside of kink. although within kink respect of course still always matters, e.g. if you ignore a safeword you are a bad person, end of. I meant it more like the goodness of your heart is shown more when it comes to real situations, outside of kink; like the respect you have towards victims and towards your traumatised partner with whom you are indulging in this sensitive fantasy play with, how you treat these people outside of the kink world, in the real world where it’s different & it’s not just strictly fantasy and pretend. and that you are able to differentiate the two worlds, and are able to understand how certain kinks should not align with your real, genuine values or morals (e.g. being into cnc as a kink shouldn’t mean that you support or condone real rape and sexual assault, being into ageplay shouldn’t mean that you support or condone child exploitation, being into superiority & inferiority powerplay shouldn’t mean that you support or condone the patriarchy, being into petplay and enjoying seeing your partner act animalistic or wear animal ears & tails shouldn’t mean that you support or condone people having sex with real animals, etc). it’s all a play pretend fantasy, and the way people act within the kink world can drastically differ from how they act in the real world. your real life values & morals, and the way how you treat real people in real everyday situations, matters. and what you do consensually with a trusted and loved partner (and what is considered solely fantasy and play) consensual and appropriate environment, shouldn’t influence how you see the real world, the world outside of kink.

EDIT: I literally proved my point about how bad people on here will immediately jump at the opportunity to message you as soon as they find out that you have real genuine trauma, by receiving this dm not even 20 minutes after posting this ask answer:

[the-phoenix-heart]

hang on lemme cook. LEMME COOK

Okay so I've been thinking about the stolitz breakup since I watched it last night and the thing I keep thinking about is Stolas saying, "Blitzo, I think so very highly of you...I didn't realize you think so low of me." It is a painful line read, Bryce Pinkham at his very best. And in a way Stolas is right, the fact that Blitzo thinks Stolas would willfully manipulate and play with Blitzo's emotions is a low opinion to have of him. It also makes sense that he sends Blitzo away because he's yelling at him (even Blitzo's cadence sounds a bit like Stella). However, I think Stolas misunderstands where Blitzo is coming from.

We know Stolas is aware of the power dynamic between them, and specifically the transactional nature, and that he is aware that it is unhealthy. However, I think Stolas only understands that transactional part as the unhealthy bit. Stolas (in "Full Moon" and "Just Look My Way") focuses on the "unspoken contract" and how tethered they are to each other. He thinks by giving Blitzo the crystal and semi-confessing (Stolas never says the words "I love you") it means they will be on even ground and Blitzo won't feel like he has to whore himself out for Stolas's grimoire (something he needs for his business so he can live). Then Blitzo can actually choose to stay with him or not. But he doesn't understand that even without the grimoire there's the inherent power imbalance on the hell hierarchy level.

Stolas says in "Just Look My Way", "I don't care that you're of lower station" and that's because he doesn't. But that doesn't mean Stolas is an imp ally. Stolas has never indicated that Blitzo isn't just the exception. Just in this episode Stolas was seen making life harder for his imp butler, and then there's the scene in "Seeing Stars" where he is holding the imp butler holding the phone and squeezing him when he gets pissed. His interactions with Moxie and Millie also don't really make it seem like he cares that much about them as people. Blitzo isn't wrong when he calls out Stolas's treatment of his butlers, or when he says that Stolas was dismissing him in a way that felt disrespectful. Even him putting his hand in his face feels like how he would dismiss a servant.

Throughout the entire conversation Stolas is very cordial, very genuine, and very respectful of Blitzo's emotions-right up until he takes Blitzo's response as a rejection-but even then Stolas always has the power in the conversation. Even when he is being emotionally vulnerable, he is still the one controlling the conversation. He's the one stressing Blitzo out with it. Even when he gets on his knees to put the crystal on Blitzo's glove he is technically taking the choice away from Blitzo to choose it. And then his reaction to Blitzo thinking it's roleplay is that Blitzo really doesn't want him is to completely shutdown emotionally and not listen to Blitzo.

And Blitzo is not wrong for thinking it's about sex. Half of this is Blitzo convincing himself it's roleplay because he doesn't believe anybody could truly love him, but also when isn't it about sex with Stolas? The only times where it hasn't been was after Ozzie's when Stolas offers Blitzo to come inside (which Blitzo did not believe and did not react well to) and arguably the Harvest Moon Festival where Stolas invites him, which Blitzo honestly could have misconstrued as Stolas wanting to bring his sidepiece with him. You could also make the case for "Seeing Stars" but that episode has them falling back into horny during a mission they are both participating in. And as I pointed out in an earlier post how is Blitzo supposed to realize how highly Stolas views him? Stolas has called Blitzo his "impish plaything" and covered his face at Ozzie's and has generally been condescending to him ("You are so cute when you are serious"). We know that Stolas is desperately in love with Blitzo and would do anything for him, but Blitzo himself has never really gotten that confirmation.

Hell, Blitzo is actively doing what Stolas wanted. His reaction to Stolas's semi-confession by thinking it's roleplay is specifically proof that he does want to keep this up, even if he doesn't realize the feelings behind it. And then later he is specifically trying to have a conversation with Stolas and process what's going on ("Let's go!" As in "let's have this conversation!"). The fact that Stolas sends Blitzo away when he himself starts crying, when Blitzo has been on the verge of tears throughout most of this conversation proves that Stolas is not ready to have this uncomfortable conversation. He was only ready for Blitzo to either accept or reject him, and he thought that their issues would be fixed.

"Blitzo, I think so very highly of you...I didn't realize you think so low of me." No, it's not that he thinks so low of you, it's that he has almost only seen the outrageously horny part of you, that he's more aware of this power dynamic than you, and is rightfully calling you out for how you fumbled this confession. You clearly love Blitzo, you have the right idea, but you still have these inherent biases and are unaware of the power imbalance, and you need to reevaluate some things.

This isn't to absolve Blitzo of the part he played in the breakup, but since Stolas took the initiative and almost always people are more willing to take his side, I feel he needs to be held more accountable.

[youmagnificentbeast]

i really don't want to be the party pooper but so many people just celebrating the kiss and what comes after, implying they "made love". let me break this down real quick.

spoiler break for long-ish post and... uh spoilers for episode 6

so, stede has just killed a man. against ed's advice, because he knew what it'd do to him. izzy tells ed to not go after him, that the first one's always a mindfuck. but ed follows him anyway (probably because he was alone with his thoughts when he killed his father and had to process things, maybe he wished someone was with him back then and that's why)

so ed knocks on stede's door and waits. stede opens the door, ed starts talking but stede is overwhelmed, not able to talk, maybe still in the adrenaline rush? he grabs ed. now their faces...

[gif by ratchet]

stede is out of his mind here. he's still in survival mode, and the only way he can think of "processing" the turmoil he's in is by grabbing his anchor, his love. this entire interaction is passionate, sure, but look at his fucking face. he's so conflicted, shellshocked, in pain. ed is also completely surprised by this, of course, since he knows how stede is usually pretty level-headed and wants to talk things though (which is what he very much expected to do here)

[gif by ratchet]

ed is realizing here what's happening. gives stede a little nod, implying consent. he's carefully assessed the situation, has realized talking won't help stede right now. i feel like he's been in this situation before (using sex as unhealthy coping mechanism) and he decides it's the only way he can bring any kind of comfort to stede right now.

i don't think there's much more to say about the kiss itself honestly.

[gif by blakbonnet]

look at ed. his clothes are still on for fuck's sake!! just that should tell you he's not very enthusiastic about this, but his face seals the deal. he's fucking concerned, maybe even afraid. in turmoil himself, remembering how he said "let's take this slow" and thinking "well, this is it i guess". just because he loves stede so much and wants to comfort him he lets them cross the boundary he set, pushing his emotions aside.

so yeah, sure they fucked, but they didn't make love. this was for survival. for coping.

[nervoushottee]

Kill the Lights | Lucien Flores x Fem!Reader

Warnings: (Explicit MINORS DNI!) Minor smut, cowgirl sex position (we riding this man queens), age gap (not specified) , unhealthy almost toxic relationship

Summary: Lucien Flores is your older brother’s bestfriend and to you he was always off limits and vice versa. Until one night that changes…(one-shot about how you and Lucien became a “couple”)

Note: hey hottees…so this happened. I kept seeing this picture everywhere on Tumblr that this story just came to me. I have no idea how this character actually is and I’ve tried to look but there’s not really much about this movie from what I can find.

So this is just based on the vibes I was getting from this beautiful image above and I was listening to the song De Selby (Part 2) by Hozier on REPEAT while frantically typing this out on my phone.

Enjoy!! (Not edited)

———————

Lucien Flores was forbidden for you and you were forbidden for him.

But that didn’t stop either of you from falling in love.

Your love was passionate and painful all at the same time. Full of chaos and pleasure, comfort and anger. It was always vibrant, in both the best and worst ways.

But to you? It was beautiful. A love you would never forget, a desire that could never be quenched by anyone but him. You were the only one for him, he said it to you a billion times.

In bed when you both reached your highs. In the shower when he held you close against the running water. In the front seats of his car before dropping you back at your apartment.

But that didn’t mean you had to believe it…

Lucien Flores was many things but he wasn’t healthy for you.

The two of you weren’t healthy for eachother.

The level of want and need between you both consumes your sense of thought or communication. The obsession of one another outweighs the negative traits in your relationship and it always leads to you breaking up and making up more times than you could count.

Your roommate told you countless times that he wasn’t healthy for you. That you weren’t healthy for each other, but that didn’t stop you from calling him in the middle of the night to pick you up or him asking if he could come home to you.

Every touch of his skin on yours felt like fire igniting. You never knew love could feel like this until you got with him. Until you crossed that boundary and broke the little rule your older brother always thrown at Lucien.

“Luc, she’s off limits.”

And Lucien tried to listen, fuck, he really did. But it wouldn’t have mattered in the end. The two of you were meant for eachother. The minute he met you, he knew that there was something there. Something more, but he ignored it and did his best to look at you as his best friend’s younger sister. He kept up at being the older brother's best friend and didn’t push it much further.

It wasn’t until one night you called him. Cried and stressed out saying your date had left you stranded and you didn’t want to call your brother. Knowing he’d be asleep.

Lucien didn’t hesitate to get in his car and drive to where you are before you could even ask him.

That night changed everything. He gave you his jacket when he arrived at the rundown diner where your date left you, wiping the runny mascara from against your cheeks. He asked if you were okay, giving you a once-over before he hugged you.

You were engulfed in the warmth that was him. The smell of his cologne, the cool feel of his gold chain he wore frequently against your temple.

He brought you the comfort you needed.

He held your hand when he drove, your interlocked fingers in your lap. He stopped the car immediately when you asked him to pull over, rubbing your shoulders in comfort as you cried from embarrassment.

“I’m such a fucking idiot.” You sniffle

“Shh stop, stop.” Lucien says to you softly, trying to quiet your cries, using his hand to guide you to look at him. With your eyes on him, he cups your cheeks.

“You’re not. You never could be, ever. Fuck that guy, he’s missing out on someone as beautiful as you.” Lucien tells you with an amount of seriousness in his voice you haven’t really heard before.

You don’t know why you did it. Maybe it was his comforting voice, the look in his eyes, or maybe how his thumb kept rubbing softly against your bottom lip. But you kissed him.

And he didn’t stop you.

When you backed away from him to apologize, the words couldn’t come out of your mouth. Because you felt- you knew that you didn’t need to apologize for anything. You knew that the both of you felt something for each other.

There was always this subtle game of cat and mouse you two played. Flirting ever so subtly so your brother couldn’t tell. Hands lingering after embraces at family get-togethers. Eyes always flickering back to the other after a conversation was finished.

You knew he wanted you.

Lucien was the one to bring you back in for another kiss that was a lot more demanding than the first. It was hard, like he had been dying to kiss you for a long time.

You fucked in the front seat of his car that night. the end of your dress hiked up to your stomach. Your underwear ripped and tossed at the floor of the passenger seat. That roads dark, with no car to pass by to see the two lovers finally admit their feelings.

The sounds that came from the both of you. The feeling of his hands gripping against your ass, as he guided you when you rode him. The way he spoke to you constantly, his words alone nearly getting you there.

“Fuck that’s it baby- you got it, you got it. Look at you, holy shit.” he says, moving his attention back and forth from your face and looking down at where the two of you meet in disbelief.

“I’ve wanted you for so long-, wanted this for so long.” He groans at the feeling of you clenching against him.

“You’re the only one for me. The only one I want.”

After that night the two of you loved each other in secret. Only your roommate knowing and having to pick up the pieces that was you after a fight with Lucien that would happen time and time again,

Loving Lucien probably wasn’t stable or healthy for you or him. But you don’t know if you’d ever want anyone else as much as you wanted him.

Dividers by @saradika

[zenkindoflove]

Our favorite Elain stan 🌷🦌☀️ !!

1.  Why is Elain one of your favorite characters?

2.  Is there a specific scene that made you like her?

3.  What theories/headcanons do you have for Elain?

4.  Feel free to share anything else about Elain that the questions didn’t cover!

1. Why is Elain one of your favorite characters?

I have always been drawn to characters like Elain. I really relate to women who are often overlooked and make themselves smaller and quieter for others. I see myself in them and I enjoy when they are able to harness their own brand of strength to finally own their place in the world. I see that as Elain's character arc. I also think she is a very internal person. She does not wear her emotions on her sleeve and she puts on a content face to protect herself and convince others she is doing okay. But I think likely there is a whole world of thoughts, emotions, and complex traumas that she is keeping to herself because that has always been her role in her family. The easy one. The peaceful one. And the overlooked one. I think it's easy to empathize with very expressive characters and harder to see behind the curtain for characters like Elain, especially in fantasy series where often spunky girls that carry swords tend to be favored.

2. Is there a specific scene that made you like her?

Okay I'm going to say three because I think they all represent different facets of Elain's character.

Helping Feyre meet the queens in ACOMAF - to me, this scene illustrated that Elain is a leader. Even with her more dominant sister Nesta being against it, Elain still insisted on helping. Elain heard Feyre's plea for how the world was in danger and she did what she could and what she was good at to help.

Running towards her second chance with Graysen in ACOWAR- Perhaps this is surprising to some because of the ultimate outcome. But I think this is when I really connected to Elain on a deep emotional level. Elain is a romantic at heart. She wanted to choose love. She wanted to take a chance on it because she feels love so deeply. Graysen was hers and even for his flaws, she was willing to risk it all and live a complicated life filled with strife to get it. She put herself out there and declared her intentions, expressing a very core part of her needs. And she was burned. Horribly. Rejected outright. And damn, if you are a woman who loves with your whole chest and allows yourself to be vulnerable, you know exactly the pain Elain felt in that moment. And I'm proud of her. Instead of cowering and waiting for Graysen to go to her, she went to him. I think it is such a pivotal moment in her life.

Telling Nesta she went into the Cauldron too and she can't expect her to tend to her garden forever in ACOSF - really it's the whole fight scene with her and Nesta. I know a lot of Nesta stans hate Elain in this moment because they put all of their anger on the IC onto her when they have this confrontation. But I loved that Elain did not cower to Nesta (who was making a lot of low blows as is Nesta's way - which I stan. Love Nesta to bits) and she set a firm boundary with her. We see in this moment that Elain is saying very plainly that even if she doesn't outwardly express her pain and anger the way Nesta does, she is still hurt. That is the thing with people who keep their pain inward. People don't see it and because they don't see it they think it doesn't exist. That isn't to say Nesta doesn't see Elain's pain. I think compared to others, Nesta sees it so much more. But what Elain is getting off her chest at this moment is to call out the double standard that has been held about the sisters all their lives. And she maintains her grace and kindness in this exchange and even when Nesta is swearing at her and hurling insults. She laughs and tries to see the light and growth that this fight has for them. Overall it's a very important moment for Nesta and Elain who have always had an unhealthy codependency brought about by their need to survive their poverty and abusive mother.

3. What theories/headcanons do you have for Elain?

I think she has Earth Magic. I think her visions are not just what is happening now or in the future but seeing into the past. I think that Elain was given the gift of sight and potentially the gift of restoring life because it reflects her personality of the caring/nurturing person. I think that is what the Mother loved in Elain when she went into the Cauldron. And I think she gave Elain her mating bond in that moment so even through her darkest hours, she always had an anchor to hold her.

4. Feel free to share anything else about Elain that the questions didn't cover!

I often gripe because Elain doesn't get enough love in this fandom. It isn't just this fandom but also my experiences in other fandoms where characters like Elain are doubted and hated for the most minor of shit (Sansa Stark in GOT and Rita Bennett in Dexter). So I carry a lot of baggage about it. I'm hopeful when her book comes out next that a whole new group of people will see her worth the way I do. And if you don't, that's okay. You don't have to like Elain. But I do hope more people respect her struggle and her strength more rather than writing her off as bratty, manipulative, and boring.

[chutkiandchotte]

One more rant time!!! Or more like, Anjali appreciation? Idk take it as anything.

(I feel like I only ever come here to rant, but what can I say? I do love a good rant lol.)

Anyway I've been speed reading through a bunch of IPKKND fics lately (as one does to ~~cope~~) and I just hate how many people just fundamentally misunderstand and negatively judge Anjali's character.

Its really simple when it comes down to it - Anjali loves Shyam with the same passion, loyalty, and commitment that Khushi loves Arnav and Arnav loves Khushi by the end of the serial. Just imagine, if some one came along and told (happily married) Khushi that Arnav is cheating on her, tried to marry someone else, and had her sibling kidnapped and almost killed, would she believe them for a second? No! No evidence would ever convince her of that and vice versa. Its an absolutely WILD story to be told about your pious, sanskaari, soft-spoken, madly in love with you husband who has, thus far in your eyes, done nothing wrong except been maybe a little too busy at work.

Anjali is just as fucked up as Arnav by the trauma they went through. There's a reason she is so quick to harm herself and loses all perspective when viscerally reminded of the single worst moment of her life. What's funniest of course is the people who have immense understanding for Arnav's trauma and pain, don't give a damn about Anjali's. They keep harping on about everything (aka material benefits) which Arnav did for Anjali, while discounting the emotional support she also provided for him through those years. Because only material benefits count in relationships? Emotional IQ is nothing?

Anjali is a good sister! She looks after Arnav, takes care of his needs, monitors his health. She gives him the freedom to make his choices (unlike Nani), but she does advice him as per her understanding. She gently tries to guide him to resolve his trauma and move forward in life, but doesn't succeed probably because its beyond her paygrade. Even in the depths of her depression and confusion, she feels delighted to know that Arnav LOVES Khushi, something she worried would never happen for him (and its clear she was previously worried that their marriage happened only due to uncontrollable attraction gone wrong).

They do have a slightly unhealthy level of co-dependency, but it makes perfect sense when you consider what happened in their childhood. Anjali and Arnav are each other's emotional cornerstone for a reason. And by the end of the show, they have each moved beyond the unhealthy aspects of their relationship.They have a really complex and interesting sibling bond, and ultimately a beautiful one.

Anjali is the one character who suffered the MOST, lost the most, from the entire cast of characters. The pain she went through, that too being an exact repeat of what her mother went through, is unimaginable. And for absolutely no mistake of her own.

[guardian5tiger3]

Mental health

+Advice & guidance from spirit

Pick a group tarot reading + channeled messages

*I may upload more groups in a new post later on.

Options

1

2 3

4 5

Group one

You guys seem to be the avoidant types more or less. This could show as you straight up trying to hide from your problems. You guys may have heavy resting periods most likely due to depression. This could make you guys stagnant in life and possibly hold onto things that do not serve you and or make you feel secure but that keeps you in an almost unhealthy comfort zone. This may show up as bad character. For a lot of you it seems that in some way your family has had expectations for you that which you feel you are not able to fulfill. You may feel lesser about yourself because of this and you are lacking individuality, or personal freedom to be yourself in some specific area(s). Im getting it's because you were made to feel like you can't be yourselves in these ways. So real talk. Spirit's advice. If you're already into this term then spirit is saying do shadow work, and what I mean by that is you need to go within yourself and identify problems like these, and you need to want to help yourself get better and do that so you can feel better , because life is not worth sitting around feeling less than. You guys really need to nurture yourselves, step up, take risks, go outside of your comfort zone because even though that seems tough it is well worth it when you come out of it on the other side of doing so. You guys I'm being told you all need to focus on treating yourself the way every good human like yourselves deserves to be treated, dignity, respect, and being told and believing that you do deserve good things and to be yourself. I'm really getting you guys should put more work into self care whatever that means for you. You guys if you aren't confident you need to build yourself up, take risks. Someone specific needs to try dyeing their hair. You need to embrace yourself for who you really are, understand that you're beautiful, and you are a gift to the world. There are other people out there who will appreciate you for exactly who you are. And even if some random asshole judges you, fuck em. Carry that attitude maybe. Peace loved ones. I heard that from California girls 😂so one or some of you like that song?? Okkk 💚 good talk guys.

Group two

* I can sense some of you who are going to pick this it doesn't resonate, so sorry for picking Luna and misleading you, but please read some of this to make sure..

I feel like you guys don't know what it's like to be healed in the way that you should be. Like it doesn't even seem appealing so why even try? You guys. You need to think about this. You feel that way because you do not know what it's like. I feel your pain is deep. Some of you this isn't at base level mental illness this is trauma. Straight up. I feel a lot of you feel unworthy. Some of you don't know peace and you can't find it within yourself. A lot of you might not even notice this about yourselves but you're just holding on. To your sanity , you're holding onto trauma, stress, negative ideas put in your mind, whatever it might be. I'm not gonna lie this is a long healing process and I get that it's a big struggle. Some of you do work and try and it doesn't even feel like it makes that much of a difference. I feel like if that's the case you're not digging deep enough into what's really wrong. A lot of you find it easy to act happy so you don't get the help you need even from a therapist. This is self sabotage in a way. You need to at least let your guard down for yourself. Someone I channeled struggles to relax your muscles when you lay in bed. This is serious. I'm getting some of you feel that if you found true love it would almost cure you and they would take this all away. No. And even if it came in now it would not be true love and you all already know why at least deep down. You need to learn to stand on your own and be truly ok. So you guys even have me concerned. But good news. Spirit came through with some good advice and I even doubted they could do it this well. Well let me tell you all what you can do. You all must tap into the energy of love. You need to feel. I mean truly feel everything that you feel. I can feel you guys have love in your hearts. If you listen to that , every single answer is there. Anything you could possibly need an answer for , it's in your heart. As a healer myself , and I feel some of you are skeptical, but I have healed myself from horrible horrible traumas. At a lot of points this was all I could do and it's the only thing that could have possibly worked. Listen you guys you need to get serious about this. You need to be aware and catch yourself with every negative though, feeling, emotion, and you need to then tap into the energy of love and in your heart you already know what's wrong or right and you need to correct it. You need to nurture yourself. You need to think about what's wrong and you need to tell yourself things like that wasn't right it wasn't here's why , work things out in your head and be honest with yourself. And when it comes to grieving and negative emotions. You can't run away or they will stay unhealed. You need to feel them , be very brave and feel them, that is the truest , rawest for of strength. And trust me . They will eventually go away. I have been through some of the worst things and if you want to know seriously you can ask but there things I'm not going to speak about in caution of people sensitive to the topics but this was the only way to get better for me. Some of you of course can take psychedelics because I feel some few of you thinking about it and I need to tell you if you're doing it to heal you need to make sure that's what you're doing when you're doing that. Like go within. Think and feel ok. Don't just let yourself end up dicking around. Don't worry guys. I see you getting better. Not just at the very way end of healing but every major step I see you all feeling more relieved and more balanced within yourselves. It's going to take time. Please understand it's worth it. Another thing to note is if you're feeling like giving up understand the least you can do is take into account all of the other people that have gone through similar things, and if nothing else motivates you maybe true love can , so think , maybe you can help even one person like yourself and be the hero. Be strong guys. I love y'all. ☮️

Group three

You guys seem overwhelmed maybe overburdened and a lot of you might speak of this like yeah I got this this and that going on and plus mental health issues. So I'm saying you guys also recognize and feel that weighing you down. Ok. Well I got yall. I feel like I need to feel my heart for this reading so you guys I think you need to allow yourself time to feel things. Some of you can meditate but I mostly mean just feel all the feelings and emotions you have and feel your bodies , basically practicing mindfulness about yourselves. I'm getting for a lot of you the more organized you have everything the better you will feel. This could be school or work stuff , or stuff in your home, for someone in picking up on makeup for real. But it will definitely make you feel a lot better I'm really getting that. I'm getting that a lot of you guys aren't balancing out different parts of your lives as well as you should be. Some of you work too much. A lot of you might be like well I can't help that but here's what you can definitely do. You can remind yourself to be more calm and practice self care while you are working. You will then have more fun in your free time and won't feel as exhausted . Okay for some a vacation is needed even if it's down the street to a hotel or literally a day at a beach or lake . Also I'm picking up somebody should go to the theatre and watch a movie. Yep. But overall you guys need to go somewhere that will basically bring you some type of amusement or joy or something. I'm picking up on someone who wears their earbuds or headphones a lot. I love music it's my favorite thing in life but if you guys spent some more time working on your present, real reality Infront of you and shaping it how you want to be. For instance observe and decorate your bedroom , Idk. You will therefore enjoy it more and not feel the need to hide. That doesn't mean stop listening to music worst case scenario buy a speaker but I'm saying this because I'm being told you're using the earbuds as a form of escapism and that's not going to help you longterm.

I also see some of you having to manual do so much in your lives I don't know what I could possibly use as an example for this but it's like you're moving brick after brick and in reality like why the fuck are the bricks there in the first place??!you guys this couldn't be made more clear you guys just have to ask the right people or persons for help. You might need to bring some problems to somebody's attention because they shouldnt even be problems especially if this is a work matter but regardless of where it's happening this is true ok. So anyway for a lot of you some energy is taking form you and you need to learn to cut energies off from taking from you when they shouldn't be. Some of you feel like nobody will care or maybe believe you, and that's so not true but you need to speak really loud and really clearly about what's going on , if that resonates with you. Some of you need lights or more lights for a room. Fairy lights are always good :). This smiley face is horrifyingly funny so Im leaving it. Some of you need to laugh. Come on and break the ego you don't gotta be so serious.for some of you you still don't feel like this is going to solve what's going on, spirit is saying this is a matter of going withing and finding out what you feeling you're missing. This very well could tie into a destiny thing, and I personally don't like to give destiny readings cause... That'll mess it up. So it's up to you guys on this epic quest to find the missing piece of your heart. Ok I'm done. You guys have a purpose in life you maybeee don't expect but you're gonna go for it. Even if it's just a side quest. Alright you guys go enjoy a cup of coffee or tea or something maybe a good book or a movie and I hope this resonates and it helps. xxo💗💗💚

Group four

I'm already getting a lot about inner child. One thing I will say is I'm channeling that your inner demons are like your inner child it is just super out of control but we all started as children so hopefully that makes these things less scary in a way. physiologically yeah there are a lot of ways depending on the issues that you know it requires comparable types of nurturing. You guys definitely want to be free but being in that energy I see something blocking you forward in actually seeing something in an og pokemon game with ash getting blocked .if what I'm picking up on is how some of you guys see the world and your lives that's so badass. Nerds. Lol ok anyway. I'm being told to give you the advice to look at this like a video game. If you're being blocked it's because you're being faced with a challenge and you need to overcome that and you will also probably level up right. You guys are super dreamy like I don't know. You guys must be nerds cause I'm being told to guide you through emotional and mental healing in a rational way. I also see the universe giving you things like level ups or tokens or whatever like in any video game at the appropriate times ,so you must have manifested this because I do this too sometimes when I'm anxious at work I choose to look at it like it's a video game. That's crazy. So the universe operates for you accordingly. This group is teaching me a thing or two bout how things work. Some of you might struggle with anxiety though and you then at those times need to remember to bring it down to earth and breath in really deep a good few times as long as you can breathe in. I really just want to tell you guys people might judge you and make you think negative things about yourself and tell you even maybe that there's something wrong with you but there isn't. There's nothing wrong with you guys. But when it comes to whatever pain your feeling or whatever you're going through you can't hide from it or push it down forever. If you guys want a bright future you need to level up to where you're ready to walk into that. And that might mean facing yourself , which is the toughest battle of all if you ask me. But there will never be a stronger warrior than the one who comes out of that fully intact and better than before. Just remember what you're fighting for whatever that may be, if it's love or justice or peace , or to make evil disappear completely. Whatever it could be.im getting for a lot of you you are on some type of high horse though because of what ever happened in the past probably, but when you're alone you do need be real and honest with yourself and let your guard down. If any of you feel sad a lot it's because you have a big heart. It's a sign of something. You should try to figure out what around you might be making you feel like that that isn't right because it's your heart telling you something isn't as it should be. You guys are strong enough for anything that comes your way . Trust me.

Group five

I feel a lot of love towards you guys a lot for you guys your guides are here and they all wanted me to sit for a minute in peace and silence before doing this reading specifically after doing the other ones.

You guys need to refresh your minds a bit. I'm feeling for some you need to sort of change your trajectory a bit. I'm feeling like your ego selves are assuring you you're in the right direction somehow but there's something you're overlooking that you need to pay attention to.

I'm getting a lot of stress for a lot of you. It kind of feels like some of you guys you keep going and going and you're not moving in the right way or direction or something im getting what you're supposed to be looking at is going to feel a lot easier if you do turn in the direction it's in and go down that path. A lot of you guys for some reason are feeling resistant towards this for some reason it's almost like you're in some level of denial.maybe whatever y'all have been doing seems desirable and you don't want to change and I understand that cause I can feel the energy but in some way it's almost like stepping out of your comfort zone or taking a risk for something better and I understand it's hard to make sacrifices like that but I hope you take this advice to give it a try because just trying this is not going to be as life and death as your brain is making it out to be. You still have problems on the path you've been on and this other direction is offering you solutions. I just have a friend an almost identical reading to this and I bet you're here!! Love you ! I want you guys if this resonates to take comfort in that there's multiple of you going through this and I feel in my heart somehow you are all connected and Im feeling it's a lot of heart connection . I feel though that I'm going to break this into having a second part for a specific group of you so continue to make sure if this resonates or not

I keep hearing you guys are nearing the end of something. It seems that you guys are in some way resisting this ending or at least kind of sabotaging it in some way but you don't realize that this needs to take place in order for your desired future to come in. A lot of you guys I'm seeing should look into how to be more disciplined with your subconscious mind. This has been playing a major role as to why some of you have been in whatever more negative energies or stagnancies you've been in. Some of you need to learn how to not be defensive towards good things that come your way and this ties a lot into psychology I think if any of you feel inclined to look into that maybe. For some reason every ending is a bad one to some of you and blessings are scary. This is all about healing ,my friends. My phone is dying so I'm going to go. I wish you all well

[damned-punk]

What You Won’t Ever Find (Kidd x Reader)

Part Nine

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Content Warning: nsfw, modern!AU, suggestive language, unhealthy attachment, angst

Content Description: gn!reader meets Kidd in a bar and their relationship develops from there ♡

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The daisy that Kidd had welded was taunting you from its place on your nightstand. He was right that it’d never wilt but even if it could, the two of you likely wouldn’t last long enough to watch it happen. The cold metal material that comprised its stem and petals was ironic, a sardonic mimicry of what was beginning to feel like a fabricated relationship. You didn’t know what to think anymore, you no longer held distain for Hip’s advice though it could serve you no favors in your current situation. The writing had been on the wall from the night you’d met, the proposition of causal fun should’ve been a glaring red flag but you’d ignored it the same as you had many others.

You’d learned that Kidd was the type of person who could become enamored with someone and play with the idea of a relationship, but he seemed to lack the skills necessary to maintain the relationship once it was started. You assumed that years upon years of hardship and loss had significantly damaged his attachment style, the revelation doing little to help you work through the heavy sense of loss that clouded your psyche. Every day that passed was so dull, you couldn’t wait for them to end once they’d begun. You weren’t even sure how many days it had actually been and you honestly didn’t want to, it didn’t matter anyway.

Your phone was essentially out of commission on account of all the calls and texts that you didn’t have the strength to address. You could only read a few of them every once in a while, his words far too painful to handle. It was obvious when he was drunk or exhausted as what were once carefully selected words would turn into a barrage of mismatched phrases and letters. Killer had even reached out to check on you, he’d always been so kind. Sometimes you didn’t understand how they’d remained friends for so long, Kidd seemed to always be on some level of extreme. You wished you had whatever trait Killer possessed to make Kidd care for him so much, maybe then something meaningful could tether the two of you together.

You flinched upon hearing a car door shut just outside your home, a few short knocks on the door causing your heart to race. You did your best to peer out the window to identify the visitor but the angle made it nearly impossible. As you cracked the door open just a few inches, confusion knitted through your brows. Killer towered over you with his hands tucked in his jeans, alone and carefully considering what he wanted to say.

“I’m sure you’re upset and you don’t have to say anything, just please hear me out.”, he bargained with you.

“Alright.”, you replied after a moment, trusting Killer’s discretion.

“It really wasn’t what it looked like. He royally fucked up, but he did not sleep with her. I don’t know exactly how she ended up in the car with him, but she slept on the couch and he wasn’t interested in her at all. I can promise you that’d he would’ve told me if anything happened and if it had, I wouldn’t be here right now.”, Killer explained, “He woke up the next morning not even really knowing who in the hell she was. He was going to take her home and then come here to talk to you, but you got to the house before he had the chance.”

“He’s had more than once chance at this point.”, you noted, not exactly feeling like the situation was so easily rectified, “Is this something that he always does? If I believe you and go back to him, how long will it be before we’re right back here again?”

“I can’t say that this won’t ever happen again because I don’t know if it will or not. I hope it doesn’t, but Kidd is very temperamental sometimes and you know that just as well as I do.”, Killer replied with a very valid point, “I’ll be honest, I’ve only ever seen him this torn up one other time before… I wouldn’t have wasted your time or mine if I didn’t think it was worth it. He hasn’t slept and he won’t eat, all he does is fuck with shit in the garage all night, works, comes home, and then does it all over again.”

“I don’t know… This has been really hard, Killer. Things will be great for a little while and I’ll think we’re getting somewhere only for him to go off on me or leave me for someone else.”, you let your feelings be known, “I know that I love him, but I also know that I can’t keep doing this.”

“I know and I agree with you entirely, this can’t keep going on.”, Killer validated your understandably difficult position, “I’m asking you, as a friend, please give him a chance to explain himself. This isn’t something that I can fix or help him through, he’s spiraling without you.”

Killer watched you with hopeful eyes as you gave the situation some very intensive thought. To care is a curse and love is a cruel emotion. It’s manipulative, draining, and blinding above all else. It’s so beautiful when it blooms, but it is always met by the most gruesome of ends. Whether or not you still cared for Kidd wasn’t to be questioned, he meant the world to you and that would never change. That sentiment had come back to bite you so many times before but realistically, what more damage could be done?

“I’ll come see him, but I need you to be there.”, you relented as Killer let out a great sigh of relief.

“I’ll be right beside you, whatever you need.”, he patted your shoulder in an attempt to reassure you.

Killer held true to his word, staying at your side and offering as much support as he could in your respective circumstances. He waited patiently on the couch as you dressed yourself and kindly lead the way back to their shared home for you to follow. Kidd hadn’t noticed the two of you pull up and certainly couldn’t hear the slamming of car doors on account of the very heavy music that was blaring from the garage. The door was raised just enough for him to be able to walk out if needed, his bare and sweat-soaked back facing you as he leant over the engine bay of a worn vehicle. You stood just outside the door beside Killer, you couldn’t bring yourself to approach him and instead waited for him to notice the two of you.

After a few minutes had passed, he stood to retrieve a tool from his workbench. As he turned to resume tinkering, he caught sight of you and froze. His expression was facetious, not at all amusing but irrevocably indicative of how much he’d been struggling with all of this. There was no signature eyeliner or lipstick to speak of, only sunken eyes and dark circles in their wake. Trying to recollect himself, Kidd moved to turn the music down while Killer made his way to sit on their porch. He was close enough to intervene if things went sideways, but far enough to allow for some privacy.

You didn’t know what to say and it seemed like he didn’t either, the silence between the two of you growing rather awkward. Kidd looked totally defeated and while he was in the wrong, it wasn’t something you particularly enjoyed seeing. It felt like you could say anything and ruin him permanently if you really wanted to. Just as you felt doubt begin to chip away at your presence in the moment, Kidd extended his arms to you and gave you an optimistic look. Nearly all of your reservations faltered as you walked into his embrace, immediately being lifted off your feet and held as close to him as possible. His dampened forehead pressed against your neck as he folded himself around you. His grip was tight and as though he’d loose something precious if he ever let go.

“(Y/N), I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am.”, he spoke against your skin, “I promise you that nothing happened. I wanted to get the fuck out of there and when she asked me for a ride home, I guess I brought her here. She slept on the couch and I was about to actually take her home when you pulled in.”

“That’s only one small part of the much bigger problem, Kidd. You left me alone at a party full of people that I don’t really know and then you brought someone else home, only for me to find the two of you together the next day.”, you kept your voice low as to not escalate the situation, still stern enough to convey your point, “That was one of the worst feelings I’ve had in my entire life. I felt like I meant nothing to you or anyone else, that I was just something to throwaway and be forgotten.”

“It’s not like that and it’s never fuckin’ been like that.”, he said seriously, lifting his head to face you, “Please, let me make this up to you…”

This was something different, something that you hadn’t seen from him before. You hated everything about this, the way he’d make you feel, the way he’d sunken into himself, and the way that everything in your life seemed to revolve around him. Of course you wanted to pick up where you’d left off, but it went beyond that simple concept. Something within you knew that if this ended, there would never be another Kidd. In fact you’d never have the opportunity to be truly happy again, you’d only be mourning what should have been. It was unhealthy and that reality had crossed your mind, but in this moment in his arms, you didn’t care.

“I’ll give you anything you want, (Y/N)… You tell me what you need and I’ll make it happen.”, he pleaded with you while resting his forehead against your own, his tired eyes glazed and searching for any hint of clarity.

That always seemed to be his answer and you weren’t sure if he really meant it or if he just wished it were the truth. You wanted to believe that he had the ability to commit himself to an established relationship, but even that was a far cry from your current predicament. You undoubtedly wanted Kidd and it was looking like this would be the price you’d have to pay if you wished to stay with him. Perhaps this was the moment of unraveling, a realization of something you’d been missing all along.

“This can’t happen again.”, you repeated the same condition you’d given him before, praying that you’d never have to say it again, “I know this is hard on you, but you have to stop being so self destructive. People care about you and whether you intend for them to or not, your actions have very real consequences.”

“You’re right…”, he trailed off, seemingly taking in what you’d said, “I don’t want to lose you, (Y/N).”

“You won’t. We have some things we need to work on, but you won’t. I’m right here.”, you reassured him, lifting your head to kiss his forehead, “How about you go shower and then we’ll eat something? That’ll be a good start.”

He took your chin in his hand and placed a very passionate kiss to your lips. The gesture made up for the things he didn’t know how to say, also working to fluster Killer as he watched the two of you. He’d certainly tease Kidd for it later, happy that the two of you actually managed to reconcile with one another. You followed the two of them into the house and took some time to appreciate the comfort of Kidd’s bedroom. It was a sick sense of consolation, the familiarity of something you held so dear that was on the edge of being ripped from your hands at any given moment.

Part Ten

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A/N: Thank you for reading! All characters presented in the story have been caricatured to fit the desired plot devices. Some interactions and situations may read out of character, this is only to progress the story and does not reflect my view of their canon personalities.

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