#it was like idfk a day ago or so
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Taking an indefinite break from trying out voice acting because something quite upsetting happened 🙃
#keeping this in the tags because i dont want it to be a callout in any way and it IS partially my fault for not checking the discord#but am I wrong for feeling a bit frustrated with them abruptly deciding to close auditions over on discord#it was like idfk a day ago or so#but SOLELY on discord#and they decided to close them on Friday#mind you#it is currently 9pm Thursday and the CCC deadline is still stated as end of October 😀#like idfk it feels like it ought to be your duty as a project manager to update both pages#anyway#it has been feeling a little overwhelming to go from not doing much of anything at all right into recording auditions and trying to edit#the audio all the while still trying to recover motivation and has been stressing me a fair amount#but I feel I COULD’VE persisted if they didn’t do this :(#and now i just fee like going right back to where i started#ie no hobbies or ambitions at all#im reinstating that I dont blame them for my decline in mental health ofc not#i just needed to vent bc this doesnt help my delusions that#“fate” is out to ruin any semblance of hope I manage to get#like there’s some higher power that wants to give me false hope only to make me suffer#yes i am this easy to discourage#then again im mentally ill so
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guys holy shit i predicted melodie................
#this is from my drafts i dont think i explained the idea well but it was something i thought about a lot and made sense in my head#id rather have my idea and the bs i came up with than whatever melodie is#I HATE HER GRAHHHHHH#brawl stars#its funny how castle duo is my favorite duo ever and i havent ever came up with a fan idea for a third member... im a fake fan guys smh </3#/j i would but i have no creativity whatsoever#wait actually ill do it right now#ummmmmmmmm i think having a princess is kind of dumb bcuz like i said mandy exists.... i think maybe a brawler revolving around#the haunted armor trope would be cool? like... a ghost knight that died a long time ago and possessed a suit of armor and fights on to this#very day#and supercell could release it on halloween wow im so smart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1#“why are you rambling about this so much its such a dumb idea” its my blog and i ramble about whatever i want💥#their name could be. idfk. and they love their sword or something like how ash loves his rats and grom his walkie talkie#the trio ever !!!!!!!!!!! guys if you think its a good idea and want me to draw it ummmmmm ill draw it when we hit 100123901239million like#ill show my incredibly smart and cool and super and awesome idea to my brawl stars friends and moots and see what they think#mishs not art tag
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the sun’s setting
#my art#photo study#aesthetic#these vibes are from a couple days ago#or maybe more idfk my sense of time is just [vague blur of events]#the photo i took did not have the exact right colours so i just had to.. write them down#and then edit the ref image to have the True Eyeball Colours before i forgot what it looked like once i got home#someone needs to invent a meaty living eyeball camera that sees the same damn colours i do#a special tag
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The chronic pain has been so fucking bad lately
#And usually colder weather is easier on me idfk#Had a full blown panic attack that my beloved saw...#Not the funnest of times.#But yeah its getting so bad I don't know how much longer I can just. Work. In general#I wish I could take a walk and bring my cat along because she loves being in a harness and going outside#I wish I could swim in the summer#I wish I could go a day without pain shooting through half of my body and I have to brush it off & any thoughts of it being a heart attack#I'm so fucking tired these days#I need to do so many things still. I have comms from months ago I still need to do. I feel like I can't hardly work on art#Without having a full blown meltdown because I've lost so much skill over the years#I've watched my life slowly deteriorate in regards to my health and every result from doctors come back as average or exceptional#Idfk what to do any more#I turned in disability papers in MAY and its still months away from being fully processed l#And is likely to get a no from the first time l#How do I survive another year like this. This past one nearly killed me#I desperately need help and I have no idea where to find it#My poor girlfriend has been getting a short straw for a while regarding how we split payments and god I wish I could#Do so much more. She deserves comfort and so do I.
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sits here. my mood has been swinging back and forth like a pendulum lately
#i still can't bring myself to make anything art-wise. and it is ripping me to shreds internally#i have no motovation whatsoever and i'm feeling disgusted by my creations. like that's the best you could do huh mixer?#i dunno. trying to keep calm. i'm going to my uncle's tomorrow to puppysit for 3 days#i'm happy that i'll see puppy but being out of my house will be stressful.#plus i've still got work to go to...#and i need to do the laundry and take out the trash and stop buying uber eats and forward my snap benefits email and.#and later today after high school lets out i'm going to talk with an old teacher i had#i need to change my bedding too..#i at least took a shower yesterday#i think my ptsd has been acting up in the background or something#my other uncle tries to tell me to let go of the past. but i don't want to. my past has forever impacted the way i'll be for the rest of-#-my life yk? and my 'past' wasn't even that long ago. it was 2/3 years ago. and my brother's still with that awful man#i can't pull him away from him.#i just wanna sleep. might take a sleep med early just to take a nap#i've been hating everything i make so like. why even try yk.#i drew one thing while i was hospitalized- a tiny sane jack head#i dunno. i dunno. i feel so empty. my depression's been super bad. i don't enjoy things that once made me happy#i feel so aimless. i'm thinking about going to college but i have to see what scholarships would be available because i can't work this job#WHILE in school. it'd wear me to the bone#i don't want to quit my job though. i like my job. i like my boss and my coworkers..#i dunno. idfk what's wrong with me anymore. i just want the pain to stop man.#i dunno what i want to do with myself but i feel like a. fuck it ik it's from firework but i feel like a plastic bag in the wind#i'm so tired. i miss my mom. i miss my sister. i miss my brother.#vent#delete later
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it is disturbing how many ppl I’ve seen saying “I will never trust [x] minority group again” after the election, usually framed as one racial group vs another, usually with the implication that solidarity is dead, usually said as if this is a genuinely revolutionary sentiment, and it made it click more for me that for a significant amount of ppl this constant moral circus is all that politics is, like there is a realization that we are all caged animals being pitted against eachother, but the response isn’t to disengage, it’s to fully buy into the ethos of the dog fight. the way you conduct yourself here in the cage reveals something essential about the nature of you and everyone like you. we’re all eagerly waiting to see who you really are, and we all have an incentive to see you as evil. it will at least make it easier for us when we’re told to kill eachother if I know that a fraction of you didn’t vote for my candidate
#not that this is exclusive to votescolding libs like at all. idfk. Not that this is even a novel observation#but I guess what’s interesting abt it to me is that this is coming from like the ppl who 8 years ago I probly would’ve been following#thinking their radical leftists for their identity politics and all that and it does make me wonder what to do abt#the fact that there are so many ppl who would think they share my beliefs but then spend all day on twitter divining the moral hierarchy of#marginalized groups
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i got home fell asleep woke up and immediately played minecraft?????
#ive never played minecraft before#THE SCREENSHOT IS SO LONG BECAUSE I GOT ONE OF THOSE SILLY FOLDING PHONES OKAY#ok but ive NEVER PLAYED MC ????#i played once for my little brother like 5 years ago#HELLO?#i feel like i just woke up from a possesion#ill prob doodle some mc stuff idfk ive had a sad day#this might aswell happen#jerrsterrr jests
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every once in a while i get reminded of yttd existing and its just like. damn i know that game.
#i never finished it i got to that bit where you had to like#choose characters to spend time with and like do minigames with or something (i dont remember very clearly this was like 4 years ago)#and it was really overwhelming (i was overthinking it a lot) so i just kinda.. stopped playing#i only found out it existed cuz someone on. okay hang on#ive mentioned tayasui sketches a lot right. drawing app i used to use it had a ‘community tab’ you could post art on#something that was pretty big on there for a while in likeeee 2020 was making. google classrooms. for people to join#i was in a few of them good times made a lot of friends there. anyways#someone on there one day made some post super late at night that was like ‘i need someone else to play your turn to die it traumatized me’#and linked to the site to play it on#so i just was like. fuck it sure i dont have anything better to do#and played it over the next few days#i remmeber thinking it was pretty neat.. i tried playing it again a year or two ago i think#i didnt get very far though cuz i got overwhelmed again.. like i didnt even get anywhere close to as far as i did originally lmao#im really bad at games like it where you have to like. do logic puzzles and decide on character things#i dont know if that makes sense oh well#sometimes ive considered watching a playthrough but idk if thatd be the same really.. idfk#one day ill get to it i think. i gotta see what its deal is yknow..#inquisitivewaltz.txt
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venting so much i ran out of tags lmao
#i think im hallucinating ?????#i have my headphones on (listening to boyfeel on repeat n choppin up some paper)#and keep feeling / seeing shadows in my peripheral vision#im probably just dehydrated and having bad floaters but i dont like it :)#today has also been bad dramatically awful#life isn't serious there's no reason to feel this heavy#oop very emo thoughts incoming#life can't be meaningful or ill miss my parents too much but can't be meaningless or im living without them for nothing#im just. struggling very hard this year. idk#i had so much health bullshit going on for months that i put off going to a psych n now im so busy that it feels bad taking time off for it#and im also scared of getting on meds bc the idea of being dependent on something that i might not have access to is.. auuughhh#idk dude my adhd has been debilitating lately and i feel so stuck and sometimes i think i have ocd bc my compulsions are so fucking bad and#all my mental bullshit with my breathing has slowly been driving me wild and peaks my anxiety#and sometimes i worry abt being bipolar bc my mom's mom is and my mom's best friend told me she thought my mom might have been#bc the way my moods are so low or so high is exhausting it feels like i haven't had a “normal” day in so long#but also atp when im happy i feel manic bc idk how to healthily experience happiness anymore#idfk y'all !!!! im also very nonverbal these days#ugh and still going back n forth on telling my therapist ive been suicidal again bc i dont want him to have to report me or anything idk#a few months ago i made a joke about offing myself and he got rly serious n said he'd have to take action if im serious so im leaning no#like. i wouldnt actually kill myself. i just don't want to exist sometimes in this life#its just been very very very very very very very very very very very very very very hard lately without my parents or grandma#and even after all these years it's still heartwrenching to think about continuing to live this life without them#like. i just want to make them laugh. i just want to feel their arms around me in a warm hug. i just want to dance to their favorite songs.#i don't want to think of them and see their dead bodies anymore. i want to remember them healthy and smiling.#i would take care of them again in every lifetime but fuck dude. i just want to remember their good days instead of the end. can i please#please fucking invision them at their best. i want to remember the dad that played baseball and video games and whose laugh filled the room#i want to remember my grandma who was so sassy but kind. whose button nose crinkled when she smiled. who taught me to happily be dramatic#i don't want to remember them being frail. i want to forget the frustration i saw in their eyes. i want to forget seeing them struggle#(insert sadness about not remembering my mom at all)#just. fuck dude. my life is simple and i am safe so i shouldn't complain. but things feel so fucking hard sometimes. i feel so heartbroken
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I faked being sick to go home early from work yesterday (mental health was not letting me act nerotypical enough to function for retail), and today I think I actually am sick 😳
#yesterday I pretended to have a bad stomach ache#and while today I feel slightly nauseous its more my throat and my head that hurt#but its like. a sickness type of hurt yknow?#careful what you wish for I guess#I did just wake up a short while ago tho#so maybe I'll feel better as the day goes on#hopefully haha#although I wouldn't be surprised if this was an actual sickness#the other day a manager forced herself to come to work while sick#and she came close to me several times (idfk why)#so there is something going around between my coworkers#Im not gonna worry about it too much until Im certain I am ill#sam's rants about life
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i am desperately trying to be more active but i'm experiencing mental burnout. just want to say thank you for the interactions even when i'm only checking in here now and again - i'll respond when i'm feeling better! <3
#nothing really happened - work and the house just got on top of me.#for context i was promoted to a management position in october and i hit my stride so i have a lot of responsibilities and i'm hhh.#having to play catch up in terms of skillset. i'm good at my job but i'm not the best - therefore ? i must keep pushing :y#as for home... Man (horse.jpg)#we bought a house a year ago. i envy people who renovate days after moving in. we're a year in and i'm only just redoing the kitchen floor#after a leak that happened in JUNE 2022. it's expensive as fuck and takes so much time.#i'm so fortunate to be able to afford a house but like. i won't lie. it's really hard having to be responsible for everything that goes#wrong with it. my kitchen has been subfloor for months. we destroyed our kitchen island trying to make room for the floor to be done#so we're down storage and stuff is just piling up. eh i know this is like. first world problem and really not a big deal.#but when your house is in disrepair because you don't have the money to fix it quickly or time to do it yourself. shit's hard.#anyway this is a rant. don't want a wrench or a tissue- just wanna get it out.#[puts on pantalone hat] i have money anxiety too#like i earn the most i've ever earned. i won't really get much higher than this atm. i'm due a bonus and i can cash out my shares#but fixing up the house is so expensive. i'm worried i'm gonna lose it all somehow. idfk why. when things are going well i worry i'm gonna#lose it all somehow. growing up poor does a number on your resource guarding. if i spend a penny I Will Lose It All.#' dima why do you like pantalone so much ' HE JUST LIKE ME FRRRR#sry this is a ramble . i treat tumblr tags like my diary but i hope you enjoyed the read xoxox#anyways! point is! i'm alive! i'm itching to come back but i dont have the mental space for fun rn.#can't have fun until i feel safe enough to have fun if that makes sense.#aight byeee
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commentary
#the orange peel test is so funny#bc i learned how to peel oranges YEARS ago#when i saw the one tumblr post poem about#how peeled fruit is an act of service#or cut fruit idr#and i was like omg i want my boo in the future to be so loved#bc what if one day im too sad and emo to say it to them#i can still give them an orange i hope they will love it 🥺🙏#i still think its FUCKED UP to put your partner through a test like that#BUT LIKE AS A CONCEPT#AS A SOCIAL TEST#ITS REAL FUCKING FUNNY THAT 'I STUDIED FOR IT'#anyway yeah i love peeling oranges#i wish she were here she hates unpeeled oranges#like with the white strands#depending on the orange i like to peel them down to the pulp#i am a machine that turns oranges into peeled oranges#its so fun!!!#idfk why?????
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God I have an entire week off for the first time in my adult life so obviously I'm taking full advantage and drank an entire bottle of pink Whitney bc in an idiot and i fucking forgot how heavy vodka makes my teeth feel and that's really cramping my style >:(
#teddy talks#personal#to delete later#i have to pack to move house tomorrow but also. first time ive had a week off literally ever#ofc im getting drunk/high every night i dont gotta wake up in the morning my time is my own#yes i have to pull one shift on fri but thats still 4 days in a row off which ive never had ever#short of my nyc vacay but that doesnt count i was driving 6+ hrs every day and also dealing w my neurotic family. the same family#that gave me an incurable case of 'severe cptsd. how do you function day to day?' idk patti. idfk.#patti was my therapist btw years ago. my therapist said that to me lmao#so yeah first actual string of days off in#forever actually. ive been working fulltime since 14 thats am entire decade since ive had 2+ days off in a row#that weren't spent carting my sister around#fucking magical is what this is#yes i still have to pack and move an entire house but also#i have all this time to myself? and i can play music i like out loud for the first time in my entire life#and dance and sing along and not worry abt obligations to other people#im having A Lot Of Fun thanks for asking :))
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Is the 2021/current venom run worth the read because I’m really not sure how I feel about it
#fae.txt#venom#marvel#bc I just finished the 2018 run a couple days ago#the idea of Dylan as venom is just#ehhhh to me#I don’t really like it tbqh#I think he should be his own thing#or be sleeper bc that would make a lot more sense#but also flash just gave the sleeper symbiote to Some Guy in extreme carnage#so idfk
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if nobody got me then i know dialtown got me amen brother
#ive been so so so fucking paranoid these last couple days just bc of. well. You Know#but also bc we got triggered like? idfk a week ago Maybe.#and ohhhh man we've been in a Spiral i think.#BUT!#BUT!!!!!!!!!!!#dialedtowned. .:-)#speaking.mp4
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#do I???? have a crush???#I've genuinely never had a crush so I genuinely don't know if this is it?????#like; I've been excited before bc of making friends; and I mean REALLY excited; but somehow i feel it different???#or maybe not???#do I just find her super cool???#like; we've literally just met I need to chill???#like; I've never gotten the difference between romantic and platonic 'love'; so sometimes I was like#'what if I have a crush in one of my friends and I just haven't realized?🤔'#so I tried to; like; imagine??? if I wanted to date them or smth; and it was an obvious and immediate nope#but with this girl... idk??? it doesn't feel so wrong i guess???#but then again we barely know each other we met barely some weeks ago😭😭😭😭#we've been talking every day tho; and I just feel so comfortable???#bruh idfk what the fuck am I feeling anymore 😭😭😭😭#I'm probably just freaking out for nothing but anyways
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