#it was last year. and i think it was ddr. not sure

[redpenship]

10 bloggers you'd like to know better challenge/prompt. tagged by @comphetkoncass <333 (ty ty ily)

last song: supernova by aespa

favorite color: light/pale pink

last book: last fiction book ive read is moon of the crusted snow by waubgeshig rice and the last non-fiction book ive read is how states think: the rationality of foreign policy by jj mearsheimer. not his best book but not a terrible read either!

last movie: i think it might be the wild robot. i thought the bit where all the animals were forced to get along was really stupid, also very noncredible depictions of a moose. 2/5.

last tv show: house md! recently finished the penguin and im also caught up with arcane

sweet/savory/spicy: savoury for sure, unless it's crêpes in which case sweet every time. i dont understand people who put ham and cheese or whatever in those like at that point just eat a sandwich or a burrito.

relationship status: with my gf for almost a year!

last thing I searched: "how to do accent circumflex on mac keyboard". otherwise i just spent a lot of time looking up articles about warfare in video games for a research paper proposal. i want to write about WMDs in sonic but there are so few game studies about anti-war themes in video games that i'm struggling and will need to use less direct sources.

current obsession: always thinking about my wip. am i writing it? well...

looking forward to: graduating university

bonus topics

favorite drink: double gin and tonic. i also raise you chugging half a wine cooler and then filling it up with like 5 shots of vodka, but im banned from doing that now. i also love sangria and jaeger bombs. non alc is DR. PEPPER

song playing on a loop in your head: in my bag by flo and glorilla.

current favorite character: im not the kind of person who really obsesses over characters, but ive been loving knuckles a lot lately so maybe him.

fun activity you would like to get into: im easing back into it but higher level DDR/pump it up

last video game: overwatch. im cracked at dva

last comic/graphic novel: im behind on DC and havent read any manga lately so probably IDW sonic.

tagging (no pressure tho fr): @onesecretperson @khalewren @dreaminginmysoup @rooftop--runner @whisper-and-tangle @dablaanash @lunapegasus @teemdark @the-avr-dude @hishighnesstheprincess

[dancedance-resolution]

opinions welcome, though this is mostly for me to talk out my feelings since my friend is overseas and can’t call. warning, ns fw

so i’m seeing this person A. we haven’t fucked yet (but will be able to starting monday when their kid brother they live w goes back to school) but the sexting has been incredible, it honestly feels like they were lab made to match all of my desires kink-wise. this is my first time seeing someone who matches my sexual wants so perfectly like that.

today they told me they have realized that they are only interested in me + sex w me if this is something romantic/committed. our interactions and their feelings during/after sexting have sort of confirmed they are demi. some text excerpts:

ddr: so does that mean you want to have this turn into something romantic/committed? slash need that to fully be able to engage with it?

A: definitely the last bit

then a bit later:

A: and if you do want to step back, i think now would be the time because i’m not to the point where i’m so attached that it would really hurt

so now i’m wondering. 1. am i capable of engaging in a romantic relationship with them? and 2. do i want to?

i want to address question 2 first.

pros:

match sexually

autistic

medium:

we don’t have a ton in common but also i never have a ton in common w ppl i date? or even my friends, my closest friends we usually only have 1 thing in common that forms the base of our relationship….the things we have in common is autism, dyke, very similar living/career/school situations. we don’t have any fixations/interests in common, but i don’t with quite a few of my friends tbh bc they’re always changing for all of us.

they’re attractive. in medium not pro bc i didn’t have the same “oh i need to fuck them immediately” level of attraction like i did w jill, but yeah

cons:

still undecided if i enjoy spending time w them in person. they are less than a year younger than me, but this is my first time in a relationship where i feel like the other person is noticeably younger than me. usually im the “young” one in the relationship since i live w my parents, work only part time but am not in school full time, and have the energy of a younger person generally. and i don’t know how i feel about that.

if i keep things going w them, i risk hurting them like i hurt sam, and i don’t want to do that esp since i know what they need and id be choosing to keep things going w them even though im not sure i can be what they need

okay now question 1. am i capable.

honestly i haven’t had a romantic relationship since jill. everything felt so perfect w her, the sex was incredible, i loved her personality, she was kind, i loved her family, i felt like i fit in her life perfectly, and i saw a future w her. am i mentally holding back bc im waiting to achieve jill levels of perfection before allowing myself to enter another romantic situation? and if so, does that mean im still caught up on her over a year later or does it mean im holding an unrealistic standard in my brain that i wont feel love unless it looks + progresses exactly the same as it did w her?

wait new question 3. do i want a romantic relationship at all? like not even specific to them

my immediate reaction is yes, but not yet. in some distant future i want to settle down and have a wife, but i feel so young to be doing that yet. why waste my 20s on something committed when i can instead spend that time exploring and learning what i want? like with A, i’ve learned that i enjoy certain kink elements beyond just internal fantasy. what else is there out there for me to learn that i would miss if i dated for commitment rn?

here’s what i know:

i like sex

i want to have it

i want to have different experiences with it, discover new things

i know what i like, but i also feel like there is so much more for me to learn and so much more possibility -> and i don’t know if i can limit all of that learning and exploration to just one other person

hmm question 4. what about polyamory?

if A is cool w me not being sexually monogamous while in a romantic relationship w them, would that make dating them more feasible?

well am i capable of non monogamy. i only have so much time in my current life situation, and meeting new ppl, esp new poly ppl, takes time and effort. i see myself never actually pursuing others, getting bored w A like i did with sam, and then breaking up w them and leaving them hurt.

maybe i should talk to my coworker taylor about this. she said i was ruthless (but in a complimentary way she said) when i told her i broke up w sam bc i was bored.

hmm sub question. will i get bored with A.

i certainly do not see myself w them romantically long term, as in wife material. this goes back to being unsure if i enjoy spending time w them in person, but i don’t see us as compatible enough to be fucking wife material. i don’t want to enter a relationship with a pre set expiration date on it right, but wait fuck actually

what if we entered this with an expiration date. like what if i proposed to them that we trial run a romantic relationship with an expiration date of ,say, midterms or the election. at the end i will say whether i have discovered myself capable of a romantic rs w them. however this also runs the risk of hurting them since that’s more time for them to bond w me, and also a lot of time for them to be mentally unsure if im meeting their level of romantic commitment yk?

okay but here’s the bottom line. i am only even considering a romantic rs w them bc i am interested in sex w them. so in a sense i would be disrespecting the boundary they set and just using them for sex. like is that an accurate picture of what’s going on here?

lol the obv answer is just end things w them. choosing to continue would be selfish, though one could argue if i commit to fully fully TRYING to be romantically committed to them during the trial run (and ofc am transparent w them about it) then it is not selfish bc im not using them for sex while disregarding their desire, i’m using them for sex while also trying my best to meet the boundary they set that they need it to be romantic?

hmm okay so these are my thoughts for now. opinions welcome, esp if you think i’m being an asshole here PLEASE tell me if i am bc i fear i am. i have not been on the other side of this type of situation before.

i will probably reblog w some more thoughts later.

[nikki-tine]

So it's come to my attention that despite the page I have set up within the desktop version of my blog, I don't have a mobile version of an introduction post here. Oops! This one's newly written, too, in a different format than the other.

So, that being said - Hello!

I am Nikki/Niko (Whichever you prefer!) and I am a 28-year old Genderfluid artist person (My birthday is on January 9th!). I don't think there's too much to be said here, but I can and will say with confidence that this blog has been, especially in the last few or so years built up to be a catch-all for whatever I deem good to reblog or post (All of which typically related to fluff stuff, feel-good vibes or something that I may feel strongly about).

This place is, and always will be a safe space for a) People with disabilities (I am autistic, have ADD and Bipolar as well as Anxiety) and b) LGBTQ+-identifying people (I am, as mentioned before Genderfluid, and I'm Pansexual Panromantic!).

If a reblog or post makes you uncomfortable, then I will happily delete it if asked.

I make it a point to keep these posts SFW especially nowadays - however, I can't quite vouch for possibly the oldest of my posts (as I've been here since the early 2010s along with some ol' dumb teen thoughts involved and it'd take forever to sort absolutely everything out from over a decade ago at this point). I'm pretty sure that I've removed most of the NSFW stuff already from those years ago, but if I missed something then I don't mind deleting it as long as you let me know first (I'm incredibly disorganized and would appreciate a nudge in the right direction).

With these details out of the way - I am an artist that dabbles in various fandoms with no real sense of rhyme or reason outside of either hyperfixated interest or otherwise with the intent to update old ideas and refresh them into new ones. Like most artists on the internet, I ask that you do not repost without credit, trace and/or copy my work. I'm quite literally living paycheck by paycheck with my family right now. You CAN however use my artwork as a reference or as inspiration for your own work - If you do, lemme know! I'd love to see the result!

Here's a vague list of fandoms I dabble in (though my post history doesn't quite show that as I tend to leave most of my stuff to posting on Discord instead):

Pokemon (I've been a part of this one almost my entire life lol)

Sonic the Hedgehog (Another fandom I've been in for a grand majority of my life! I'm more of a casual fan as I haven't made much art recently, but I still absolutely love looking at what others come up with for OCs and stuff.)

Undertale (ESPECIALLY AU-centric)

Digimon (Passionate about this one specifically - I have a project I've been working with under this fandom since 2014 on and off)

Cookie Run (Kingdom primarily with a minor Ovenbreak focus for AU concept ideas)

Dark Cloud/Dark Chronicle (This one's SO obscure, but if you know these games then I give you a virtual baked good of your liking! These two games hold a very special place in my heart.)

Dance Dance Revolution, NotITG, Friday Night Funkin (I'm a rhythm game nerd and love the creativity of the communities surrounding these three - I just haven't been able to piece together anything for it yet visually except for FNF stuff on and off)

A Dance of Fire and Ice (Same as the DDR fandom part, but I've made a couple fanart pieces before so this one I may have an easier time of conceptualizing later)

FNAF (Specifically Security Breach AU work! This one's not as frequent as others but I still have stuff in mind for it. Security Breach is how I finally caved with the FNAF series as a whole after watching how the fandom grew over the years.)

Warriors (Warrior Cats, in our year 2024? Eeyup. I just like the funny spiritual witties!)

Team Fortress 2 (This one's in and out but it's one that I come back to a lot as my boyfriend, regularly interacting and involved in the GMOD animation community reminds me of my own TF2 stuff with his presence alone lol. Love you James! &lt;3)

Persona 3, 4 and 5 (This one's a lil self-explanatory but I have AU ideas surrounding these games that I want to make more art for eventually)

If I have anything else not listed before, I'll add it to the list. C: Please keep in mind that although I dabble in these fandoms, AU versions of existing characters may be changed in terms of sexuality, personality etc to reflect the AU they are from (For example, I have a version of Cream Unicorn Cookie that uses he/they pronouns, and my Redeemed!Pomegranate Cookie from the same AU leans bisexual over lesbian for reasons relating to reflection of character and overall character development. I like to make characters more flexible while self-indulging, so keep this in mind). I note this because my own headcanons about certain characters have set off one or two people in the past unintentionally and they VERY much have pushed things in an effort to keep canon down my throat out of retaliation. Let's just say that this part in particular is a thing that taps a sore spot for me for personal reasons. :/

When it concerns making art of my characters - surprise or not, feel free to make art of them and mention me in post (and/or message me, either way works)! It makes me feel SO loved when I get art from others, and I appreciate every piece dearly. 💜💜💜 (I go so far as to hold onto an archive of art that was done for me - with artist names in-tact within the file name nowadays!)

A few things to consider when it concerns tickling-related matters with me:

MINORS - PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT WITH MY TICKLING CONTENT. Long overdue to add this one (as of 12/28/24) but I’m updating this now as I’m worried and anxious, and I want to be safe rather than sorry.

I am a Switch! I'm unsure how far Ler or Lee I am just yet, but I do enjoy tickling both ways. Unfortunately, however, I'm the kind of person that practically flies across a room when poked,, (if it comes down to tickling my sona - Niko Spirata - tie or hold 'em down if you want to wreck 'em with tickles lol)

My interest in tickling alone is purely SFW - It feels too weird looking at IRL photos/videos with very rare exception (a lot of the exception is the giggle the lee produces from ticklish contact). As a result, all the stuff I'll be reblogging and posting here is art or animation-related instead!

My favorite tickle trope is the one where a shrunken someone or a small something wiggles under the unwitting lee's clothing to tickle them! (Points at wormonastriing's Squirmles as an example of this trope :3) No, seriously. If I end up with art of any of my characters getting destroyed with tickles in this manner I will ASCEND BEYOND GALAXIES.

My favorite spots with tickling overall are belly, side and rib tickling - on rarer occasions, I enjoy tickling in other places (I prefer foot tickling if the lee has paws instead of normal feet!). This lines up with a particular enjoyment of characters being slightly chubby! I looove a good squeeze of the sides or belly, enough to get the lee blurting out giggles.

I have only a few tags I use now on a regular, but these are:

#nikki-tine (This is my user tag and I put it in with my art posts and other things I post sometimes. You may also see others' posts under this tag, primarily with stuff related to asks or when art's been posted for me in the past &lt;3)

#art, #tickle art, #tickling art (These are self-explanatory!)

#NJEGNJ (Something to that effect, lol. It's not exact but keyboard smash tag is typically wrote similarly or around the same for several posts, all of which ones that got me chuckling or giggling like a dork!)

~

My Commission Status is currently set to OPEN (paypal prioritized for now).

It's really complicated, however, and I don't have any other methods than Paypal and Robux right now so if you have questions about that then feel free to message me and I'll try to clear it up as best I can!

I only have two prices, both fully colored and shaded.

Chibies are $25 USD (+ 5 for an extra character)

My normal art style is $50 USD (+ 10 for an extra character)

I do best leaving the BG transparent, but if I HAVE to work on one then I can do nature-themed backgrounds pretty okay. It’s not a strong-suit of mine, however…

My Art Trade Status is Busted Wide Open™ to Mutuals, but I'm a little picky and choosy with random people.

If I decline an Art Trade, please don't take it personally!

In terms of Roleplay, It's Closed on-blog, BUT I'm Open to Roleplay in Discord servers (Provided there's a Tupperbot there for me to use).

I've been looking to find an RP server that has mutuals/friends and allows Undertale-related stuff (especially of the tickling-related kind!), so if you're a part of one please let me know!

DM Status overall is Open (As long as you are kind to me, I will return kindness back!).

My Asks are ALWAYS OPEN! I really like getting stuff in my inbox (and I unfortunately don't get asks often at all).

I'm most comfortable interacting with other adults and SFW blogs (this is more-so for safety than anything else on my end. I don't have the emotional or mental energy to handle potential drama involving context-disconnected words). I don't mind interacting with NSFW blogs here but only if in the context of specific interests of mine and not much else.

I don't really have much in the way of who can't interact with me as long as you are respectful/mindful of chat etiquette and are aware of the kind of impact you may make in messaging people like myself.

I do my best to look at blog descriptions and respect DNI's - If I end up poking at something I shouldn't by accident, as long as it's not met with aggression in DMs, I will happily fix whatever problem you may have related to that. I HATE making others uncomfortable/upset!

If you have questions, feel free to ask! I don't really use other forms of Social Media, but I do use some websites with a social aspect to them casually.

Links:

Flightrising (Funny dragon site)

Chicken Smoothie (This one's a fun lil adopt site from the late 2000s)

GPX Plus (This is literally Pokefarm Q before Pokefarm Q lol)

Gaia Online (Another old site with unfortunate currency inflation, but it's the site that's kept me going with character designing and such over the years! The blog part here is old, but the avatar is updated from time to time. This site is the reason I lean on Monochrome + a color as an aesthetic a lot lol)

Bluesky (mostly inactive - want activity there? nudge me here!)

DeviantArt (It's VERY rare I post here now. Also a warning for those under 18 - there's suggestive and nsfw art in my favorites dotted here and there so look with caution. my gallery itself is SFW however and all the works that would have been nsfw are archived.)

Artfight (Self-explanatory!)

[cryptidsurveys]

Sunday, October 20th, 2024.

When was the last time you were sick? How incapacitated were you by the illness/ailment? I had a migraine yesterday, but if we're talking about being sick with "something you can catch," then the last time would have been Oct-Nov 2023. I had a nearly month-long cold. It wasn't terribly incapacitating. Aside from a constantly runny nose (which was very annoying), I more or less went about my life as usual.

Do you often reflect on your past in terms of "eras" or “milestone” time frames (eg, looking back and saying, “it’s been 10 years since X”, etc.)? I don't always do the whole "it's been X years since Y," but I do tend to break my life up into eras. There are big chunks like childhood, early teens, late teens, 20s, 30s; as well as more specific eras like past partners, DDR/YGO, hospitalizations, backpacking, animal shelter, conspiracies, current therapist, pre/post Covid, etc. Sometimes they overlap. For instance, I have several going at the moment: return to volunteering, return to driving, reconnecting with my mom, current therapist…with "current therapist" being the longest running of the bunch.

Is there something you would like to do or be, but have pretty much accepted it won’t happen because it’s just “not the kind of person you are” or is otherwise incompatible with your personality, character, etc.? I sometimes envision myself in leadership roles, but even if I possessed the necessary competence, I currently lack the necessary confidence. It might be less satisfying (?), but I think I function better as a team player. The jury is still out on this one, though. It might be that such a role is incompatible with my current capabilities, but not with the type of person I could become.

When was the last time you experienced cognitive dissonance? I'm not sure if these are accurate examples of cognitive dissonance, but there was definitely some dissonance between what I believed and what reality was presenting me.

During my conspiracy era - with the disconnect becoming stronger near the tail end. The belief that certain things were happening or would happen, but they never came to pass, or if they did, then the outcome was significantly less intense than what was predicted.

With my eating disorder/health. This one might be more of a denial or fear thing, but the belief that I'm eating enough (much more than in recent years!), therefore my energy levels shouldn't be this low. Part of me is aware that it's probably not enough, but there's still this mental block.

With regards to the paranormal. Finding it utterly fascinating, deeply pondering the phenomena, etc, but being both something of a believer and a skeptic simultaneously.

Wanting to be known and appreciated for who I truly am, yet being so guarded and generally unwilling to open up in any meaningful way. Gaining the approval and praise of other people, but wondering whether it's the Real Me they appreciate or just the people-pleasing, mask-wearing version of myself.

If you use Letterboxd, what causes you to “heart”/“like” a film? I don't use it.

Do you like people watching and is it something you do often? If so, where are your favorite locations to do so? In a twisted sort of way, I enjoyed listening to the gossip at the animal shelter, but I think that was more due to a craving for drama than a benign desire to observe. It also got to the point were the feeling of negativity outweighed my selfish curiosity. That's not to say I'm completely "over it," unfortunately part of me is still addicted to drama, but I have a much better understanding of how much damage it can cause, so I try to tread lightly. Plus, things have changed drastically since Alex left, and now Diane stays in her office instead of helping out in cattery. I like the people I work with now and the dynamic is fun and supportive, so there's just not the same draw to engage in or eavesdrop on that sort of behavior.

Whether you want to have children or not, what do you think has had the greatest influence on your views of children/childrearing (eg, your parents, your own upbringing, your interactions with children as an adult, etc.)? I'm honestly not sure what had the greatest influence. I've never been very interested in having children, but I guess it could be a case of the chicken vs. the egg. In the beginning, I was a child; having children of my own was a distant reality I could hardly fathom. Then, at a relatively young age, came the gender identity issues. Then an eating disorder + mental health issues, which also manifested in very unhealthy relationships. Everything snowballed and became increasingly severe throughout my early 20s, and I fell far behind in life. Even if there was a desire (which there wasn't really), there was no way to bridge that gap. My parents also had a lot of marital issues, ultimately resulting in separation. I didn't take it into account when I was younger, but I know now that it must have affected me even if I can't quite quantify it. Now I'm almost too old. Thank goodness my preference hasn't changed, otherwise there'd be a real sense of running out of time.

Is there anything that you enjoy that you simultaneously find intensely cringey? Is it so cringey that you wouldn’t normally admit to actually enjoying it? I still enjoy some conspiracy + alternate history stuff. Just not to the same all-consuming degree. It's more like, oh, I don't necessarily believe this or take it super seriously, it's not a hill I'm at all prepared to die on, but it's still interesting. Perhaps it's a yearning for there to be more to life. Something occult, something mysterious, something paradigm-shifting. Perhaps it's nothing more than a wish to escape... Idk.

When was the last time you felt someone was being dishonest with you — not necessarily downright lying to your face, but acting or responding to you in a way that seemed false or did not feel like their true self? I felt that way with Alex. Like you said, I don't think she was intentionally lying or being dishonest, it could have been something deeply ingrained or subconscious, but there was this feeling of being in deep water and not being able to touch the bottom. Just this endless facade and nothing solid. Much like me, I feel like she put up a front or said things because they were expected. I spent nearly a year and a half working with her and came away knowing almost nothing. But who knows. Maybe that was her real personality. Maybe that was all there was to her. It was just so strange... I lack the ability to properly describe it.

Similarly, when was the last time you saw a side of someone that made you question your preexisting perception of them? I'm not sure, but I do have a tendency to "idealize" certain people only to be disappointed by them later on down the line. I'm fully aware of this now, though, so I can better anticipate and mitigate my response. I try to see people in shades of gray, as a complex whole, rather than in extremes of all good/all bad.

If you were a doll, what outfit(s) and accessories would you come with? Mostly baggy sweatpants and oversized hoodies, my phone, my drawing tablet, maybe a kitty, oatmeal and coffee, etc.

What was the last bit of praise you received? I'm not sure, but it was most likely something animal shelter related.

When you hear or see your name written out (as in /your/ name, not someone else who shares your name), do you immediately recognize it as your own, or is there a moment of disconnect before that recognition? There is a sense of disconnect, both with my given name and my chosen name, but there's no lack of recognition. Especially at the animal shelter, where I go by my given name, there's this sense of playing a role, like it's not really or not quite me.

[2dkapsddr]

December 18th, 2023 - Arcaea, DDR A3, SDVX EG, IIDX 31

i'm cracked ? (wtf that bamboo was so good)

but then, finally, after Weeks of never having enough time... i FINALLY had a chance to go to round 1 for a Proper Full Awesome Fun Session!!!!! i hadn't been there in so long that the first two touhou packs were made free and playable, which means SCARLET POLICE WAS PLAYABLE AND FREE TO TAKE AS A NEW 15 PFC!!! (and some really close shots at making the 18 my first 18 AAA)

ok, lightning round GO!!

Shutter Girl ESP-16 AAA GFC on first try!!

POPPIN' CANDY FEVER! 14 PFC #9!!!

slight ichizu upscore :]

MEGALARA GARUDA DSP-16 AAA GFC!!!! Two 16 FCs in one day!!

there's still a few more scores nearing the end of my session on gold cab, but i'll save those for their chronological order. for now, let's check out the TWO SDVX SCORES!!

THE FUNNY TRILL 17 FIRST TRY CLEAR!!!

that's all sorry go home

but there's... slightly more for iidx i think...!

DAZZLE ATTACK SPH-8 Hard Clear!!

Submerge Serenade SPH-9 Hard Not-So-Clear!!

okay, back to you, ddr boy!

thank you, iidx boy. and now, we have the last few of the banger scores before i went christmas shopping for my family!

Cirno Onsen song AAA!!! very funky...

Mentanpindoradora 978k!! Not sure what my previous score on this song was, but this probably knocks it out of the park!

SABER WING Akira Ishihara ESP-15 GFC!!! So close to AAA...

and SABER WING Akira Ishihara CSP-17 970k!!! extremely underrated and fun song + charts

such a good session, i missed round 1.... hopefully there'll be more time and more fun next year, but i've still got one more session in stock for this year before moving into the next! stay tuned!!!

[novelmonger]

Professor Layton and the Last Specter - Not my favorite of the series, but a solid game nonetheless! The main draw for me was getting to see the first meeting of Professor Layton and Luke Triton. Luke is so cute in this one! :3

ICO - My favorite game of all time, bar none. This game was the reason I bought a PS2 with my brother. I read an article about it in a gaming magazine (yes, a physical magazine, back when that was a thing, lol); it caught my attention because the author said the game made him cry. (Is it a tear-jerker? I'll probably like it five times more than any other kind of story! XD) And it was worth every penny. You play as a twelve-year-old boy with horns that grow out of his head, who is abandoned in a crumbling ruin of a castle in the hopes that misfortune won't come upon his village. But then the sarcophagus in which he's placed breaks open, and Ico decides he wants to try to escape. As he explores the castle, he comes upon another child trapped there - a girl kept in a cage. He helps her out, and together they run from the spirits who guard the place. The game is like a fairy tale come to life, with so much of the story left up to interpretation - but that just makes me think about it even more. The aesthetic of the castle is great, the puzzles are challenging, but best of all is the bond you end up developing with the girl, Yorda. Because she's mostly helpless to defend herself or find a way out, you're constantly helping her along, holding her hand, fighting enemies off before they can grab her. You grow so protective of her because it's game over if something happens to her, and that means developing a stronger bond with her than most video game characters. By the end, you really do feel like she's your friend.

Minesweeper - I find it very hard to believe that 6.2% of the people who voted have never played Minesweeper. Really?! That was my obsession for several years. I would play it during breaks in schoolwork, and I got to the point where I recognized patterns based on the colors of the numbers, rather than the numbers themselves, if that makes sense. I'm woefully out of practice now, because I haven't played it in years, but it's one of the best time-wasters there is.

Kathy Rain - Beautiful pixel graphics. An engaging story and classic adventure game stuff to figure out. Unfortunately, I didn't like it at all once I realized how extremely anti-Christian it was - in the most unoriginal ways, too. Oh noooo, the priest is secretly running a satanic cult? Who could have seen that coming????

StepMania - The poor man's DDR, free to play, with a plethora of fan-made songs to download so you can play songs you actually know and like! ^_^ I have played this so much just with a keyboard, and I'm really interested in finding a dance pad and trying that out once I move somewhere I don't have downstairs neighbors.

Super Smash Bros. - The original. In my opinion, still the best of the franchise. Sure, there aren't as many characters or stages to choose from. But it's solid. It's responsive. Every character feels very distinct and unique, and an experienced player can realistically become proficient at all of them. That doesn't mean I'm a proficient player, despite how much I've played this game. I mostly just played Link ^^'

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Aw, just barely lost to The Last Specter! This is my all-time favorite Zelda game, one of the few that really captured what I wanted from the franchise. I've played it so many times, I think I've probably uncovered all the secrets and hidden areas. I've also played Master Quest a couple times and a randomizer multiple times; that's how much I love it. It's like a fairy tale that you can play, with just the right amount of humor and just the right amount of epicness. The music is to die for. It has the introduction of Adult Link! And Navi is the best companion. Fight me.

Dead Secret - Lol, not surprised nobody voted for this one :P It's a horror game that I'm pretty sure was made for VR, with simple controls, a few different endings, and fairly straightforward puzzles, but unfortunately a lot of plot holes and confusing bits. It was all right, but I wouldn't play it again.

Arbitrarily-Chosen Video Game Tournament, Round 1.25

Welcome to the Arbitrarily-Chosen Video Game Tournament, where we will find out which of the games I've played is the best game of all time!

Why? Don't ask. Just vote and reblog!

[min3nc]

one of the things i like most about the core/legs rhythm games community is that like 90% of them are just. office workers.

like i follow this rhythm games arcade and they upload pics of the arcade regularly. and there are like no young people around. it's only people that are there on their free day to get some excercise done in a fun way.

and they are CRACKED at ddr. like jokingly i challenged my teacher who's always complaining about his back pain to a ddr match because we went to review this arcade for a project (i.e. he wanted to give us some respite for an exam) and he BEAT MY ASS. this chubby guy with legs smaller than mine and twice my age got a fucking FULL CLEAR just to make a point to me.

i could barely stand up when we finished the song.

[junniepop]

JJK men and a male reader

So I died and came back. Now my inbox is filled with a lot of Jujutsu Kaisen stuff with a male reader, so I looked around and noticed there aren't a lot of male writers or even gender neutral ones, meaning that's what I'll be doing for awhile. This first request is...

before I get started, if you'd like to request something, then please see my masterlist

JJK boys with a male s/o

Warnings: aged up and language oh and some nsfw stuff cuz that's what they wanted.

Characters: I. Yuuji, F. Megumi, G. Satoru, N. Kento, R. Sukuna, T. Aoi

I. Yuuji

Isn't hung up by you being male, I feel as Yuuji got older, the more open minded he became. His sexuality was something that evolved as he aged and had a big change in his mid teenage years when he was exploring himself. Into his late teens he began seeing people of all types of representation, he simply did not care how they presented themselves.

That leads us to you, our gorgeous male that has Yuuji simping. All seriousness, this man loves entirely, some might even find it to be smothering. He is the type to text you paragraphs of good morning and goodnight texts, always leaving something for you to eat in the fridge, brings something home because it reminded him of you, and always always makes time to call you before a mission.

Yuuji always has random thoughts about you. Like, "Should I make his favorite tonight?" "I wonder what he's doing." "Oh....that would look so cute on him, should I get it?" "AH this charm has our initials on it! that means it was meant to be!"

If you're a sorcerer, Yuuji d e m a n d s to be your partner on missions and he will have a fit if someone says no. Is constantly stressing himself out over your well being, even if he knows you can handle yourself. always asking about your technique and is amazed every time he sees it. Very protective, stands in front of you a lot and when he see's you struggling he doesn't hesitate to get the curse's attention regardless of his own situation.

Also just because I feel like he would: Yuuji gave you a promise ring when he realized you were the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life.

He has this need to prove to you that he is a fit partner, Like showing you he can cook, has his own place, very responsible with his money and what not.

The type of guy to send you a million snaps a day. He will literally show you everything he did that day and wants the same in return.

Every date with him somehow includes a physical activity. Going out to dinner? chances are Yuuji will see an arcade and more specifically the DDR in the background.

NSFW

In terms of sexual stuff, Yuuji seems like a top, but has definitely thought about bottoming and upon trying it- was not into it. Does not matter if you're much bigger than him or not, he will top you. However, Yuuji is rather submissive when it comes to his partner, he will say yes to whatever it is you want. You want him to be soft and gentle, he'll do it. You want him to absolutely wreck your ability to walk, he'll do it.

The first time Yuuji tried stuff with a guy, he for sure looked up if it would hurt and read that anal could be very painful, was TERRIFIED that he would hurt the guy. Definitely was asking with every movement if he was okay. With you he's more confident, but still askes if you're okay throughout the event.

Man is simple, likes very intimate positions where he can see your face. Heavily into pleasing you, he tries any kinks you're into even if he's not that into it. Loves being praised, it just does something to his brain, in that same line- any sounds you make go straight to his dick. Really enjoys marking, is proud to cover you in them too.

The type of guy to enjoy eating you out, like fully sit on his face. Plus it helps his dick slide in smoother.

Yuuji will lose his mind if you say you want to milk him. Yuuji usually never thinks about his own pleasure, so when you want to pleasure him until he's empty, mans is not readyyyy. Just stutters out an okay and proceeds to go stupid when you start.

Conclusion

Yuuji loves you entirely. Trusts you 100% and would do anything to keep your life stable and happy. Yuuji just wants to grow old with you tbh, so in love with the idea.

If you were to break up with him, he would be devastated, unable to continue on for a long time. I mean he placed his everything into you, why would you do this to him?

all in all, it is a very stable relationship as long as you don't take him for granted because he is prone to letting people use him.

F. Megumi

Definitely did not care you were male. Megumi cares about a person's mentality, their goals and dreams, the way a person carries themselves. When Megumi met you, he found you quite attractive, your drive is what lured him in and from there his feelings developed.

Megumi is subtle in showing his affection. Little touches here, sticky notes meant just for you, always carrying 'extra' snacks. It actually might take you awhile to notice his affections for you, simply because it is so subtle. Megumi seems like the person to wait until you confess. However. Megumi would confess if he gets pushed to or knows he won't get rejected.

Once he confesses, his love is soft and soothing with a hint of awkwardness. Megumi in the beginning would be showing affection through words and small acts of service, always telling you how much he appreciates you and doing things for you. Some of these things would be things like picking up snacks for you, doing your laundry, leaving you some of his clothes. He likes to do these things without you knowing because I think it lessens the embarrassment he feels doing it.

Even if you are in a long term relationship with him, he always gets flustered by you. Megumi is naturally reserved, so telling him I love you with sincerity will cause him to malfunction. Poor boy freezes and stutters around his words while avoiding eye contact.

Now, physical contact in this relationship is a tell tale sign of how much Megumi trusts you and loves you. Megumi is the type of person to reserve physical touch for someone he completely trusts, so with you, this will let you know his true feelings.

Touch would start with closeness at first, just grazing hands or bumping knees, but would develop into hours of intimate cuddling because he's touched starved. KISSING, oh my lord- his kisses tell you everything he feels. so intense, no matter how soft he kisses you.

if you're a sorcerer, Megumi is the type to go on missions with you, but doesn't complain if he can't go with you. However, worries a lot and contemplates going after you. Unlike Yuuji, who would go to literal war, Megumi trusts your strength a lot. The only time he is like yuuji is against a particularly strong curse. Loves fighting together though, it shows how much you trust him.

NSFW

Megumi gives me verse energy. Like he was a top for a long time, asked you if he could bottom once and was surprisingly into it. So now when the mood arises, its whatever you guys are in the mood for. You guys often take turns.

His first time was with you- Megumi just seems like a late bloomer and you were the only person he did stuff with. He's very gentle because he knows it can be painful, I think sexually his fear is not being good enough for you, so give him as much reassurance as you can.

Now this boy is rather kinky despite his personality. Loves when you beg, drives him mad to hear your pleas and whimpers. Likes the pain of you needing something to hold onto when he tops which results in scratches down his back and the pulling of his hair. Doesn't think condoms are necessary because you're the only person for him in his eyes- aka likes breeding. When he bottoms, he enjoys riding and wants to see your face as he does. Do not get it twisted though, he's very much into you messing him up and railing him.

SEND THIS BOY NUDES. DO IT. Mans will sprint home if he has to. Don't do it too often or he'll get used to it. Maybe like once every two-ish weeks. Or better yet do it while he's on a mission. Megumi always tries to answer you, so expecting something serious, he short circuits when its just a pic of you in some underwear he thought he ripped the last time you guys were intimate.

Conclusion

Shy boy into some kinky things with his partner. It might take him some time to develop a deep relationship with you because he's scared you'll leave, but as long as you provide him the security he needs, he'll stay by your side indefinitely.

If you were to break up with him, you're just like his dad in his eyes and the betrayal would result in him locking many people out. Unlike Yuuji, who's emotions pour out of him, many wouldn't know Megumi is barely scrapping by.

G. Satoru

Gojo doesn't give a rats ass how you present yourself, he lives by the motto "a hole's a hole." What truly would make Gojo invest in more than casual hooking up is your personality. Gojo needs someone who doesn't need him and doesn't care about who he is in the sorcerer world. Someone like that would capture his eye rather quick and this man is like "Eh? I'm GOJO SATORU, you know top dog?" and you would just blink and go back to whatever it was you were doing.

Shows off so much trying to impress you. "ne ne (Y/n) did you see me squash that special grade into dust?" *sigh* "Yes Gojo, I also saw you split one into a thousand pieces and turn another into a ball." so unamused by his abilities.

The one time he saw amazement cross your features is when he was playing the piano (I feel Gojo's other talents were never looked at and everyone saw him as this god like being, all he wants is someone to look at other things he can do.) and his heart skipped a beat. Because his first goal was just get into your pants, he was quite surprised you were more interested in his normal talents. This is where he begins showing you his real side, still a teasing man child, but he begins asking you about your interests and seeing what you have in common.

The more he learns, the harder it is for him to find a way not to commit to you. You see Gojo subconsciously looks for a reason to leave, he hates being tied down and is super flighty. Then there's you, ticking all his boxes without even knowing it. There's only been one person to do that.

So he takes a leap and goes for it. He's still scared that he'll get burned like last time, but he's willing to try.

One of the requirements to being with Gojo is you need to be strong in your own right. Gojo is an extremely powerful man with many enemies, so his partner must be able to handle themselves. Being a sorcerer, Gojo would B E G you to go with him on literally every single mission and would throw the biggest tantrum until you say yes. Sometimes when he's being particularly childish, he'll stop fighting the curses to watch you do it. "You can do it (Y/n)-chan, if you win I'll give you kisses." Takes everything in your power not to launch your technique right at him as he sits there with his shit-eating grin.

This man in the beginning of your relationship is immediately extremely handsy. Just all up on you all the time, but little do you know is, this is really a protective measure for when you're out of the house. At home, he's still handsy, but you can just feel how different it is. He'll come and fall asleep on you, stand behind you when you're doing your skincare routine, always following you around the house.

Overtime, you'll become his place to rest when he needs to recharge. You're the only time Gojo gets a break from being at the top. It makes you wonder if he ever truly gets to be normal.

Overall, Gojo's love is deceptively delicate because his personality is quite childish, he uses it as a mask to hide how he's really feeling. So you might think everything is going swimmingly until he ups and leaves you. Once he starts showing you that real side of him, that's when you have him wrapped around your finger.

NSFW

This man is incredibly horny. His stamina is very high and he's very kinky. Gojo is a dominant verse whore. It doesn't matter if he's taking or giving, he's always in control. Honey you were not first and you might not be the last, this man is very confident in pleasuring you.

Gojo like I said, is incredibly kinky. He enjoys degrading you, overstimulating you until you beg him to stop, he wants to break you and make you only crave him. Seriously, you might want to think about a safe word because this man won't stop until you're not even speaking coherent sentences. In saying that there are somethings that you can try (key word 'try') to do to make him lose his mind. One of those things is a blowjob, his dick is incredibly sensitive in certain areas, so he'll become a mind-numbed mess if you're good enough. Another is softly begging in his ear and saying how he's the only one who makes you feel this way aka call him your god in bed and he'll bust right then and there.

Phone sex. Legit will call you if you guys haven't been together for a few days and all you hear are his whines and groans. "Guess what I'm doing cutie~"

THIS MAN- you're never safe to answer your phone because one time you opened the snap and it was him lazily jacking his dick. You have a small heart attack every time the notif is a snap from Gojo, just praying you can open it in public and 9/10 you can't.

The type of guy to get handsy in public places. Just in your ear like "Baby pleeeeasssseeeee can we fuck in public, I promise you'll still be able to walk when I'm done."

Conclusion

Gojo is a rollercoaster of a relationship that needs it's rider to be okay with a lot of distance for awhile and sudden disappearances. Without the right criteria, the relationship is doomed to fail.

If you were to break up with him, he would immediately sleep with as many people as he can to numb himself from the pain of having a hole ripped right through him. He'd go back to that childish personality, but you can feel the edge in his words despite his tone.

N. Kento

Nanami gives me 'gave up on the sex of my partner ages ago' energy. Like he has tried relationships with a lot of people and realized all people suck. So you being a man means nothing to him, you just have to prove to him you're not shitty like everyone else.

The type of guy that takes you out on proper dates in the beginning. It's usually dinner because of his job, but sometimes he'll ask you to lunch. Nanami will bring you small gifts like flowers or Knick knacks he thought you'd like.

Nanami likes someone a little younger than himself, probably around 23-24, they still have that idealistic thought process but with realistic foundations. He likes someone who can be serious, but still enjoys things like joyrides or going out bowling.

Nanami is a very uptight guy, so you're going to have to work to get him to relax. When you do, this is when he starts to see you as long time partner rather than someone who is just for fun. Literally goes from stick up his ass, to a big softie that just wants to curl up in bed with you. He'll start smiling more and doing intimate things like bathing together.

Nanami would probably rather have someone outside the sorcerer world so he doesn't have to think about work when he sees you. He wouldn't complain if you were though, gives him a lot less to worry about since he knows you can handle yourself. Doesn't even stress when you go on missions by yourself, he respects your strength.

NSFW

Now Nanami is moderately kinky. He's definitely a top and will not change. He's into ddlb (dom daddy and little boy for my innocents out there.) Very much into control and making you take it, he's not one for brats and will tame that shit right out of you. Doesn't need a safe word, he's very good at gauging your reactions. Really really into deep throating and you better learn how to breathe or you'll be struggling. Likes breeding, so he would be glad you can't have children.

Conclusion

Nanami’s love is traditional and straight forward. He likes routine to a certain degree and that degree ends at stable relationship, everything else is not that fun without a level of risk to him, but he likes that when he comes home, you'll be right there.

if you were to break up with him, Nanami would sigh and say he told himself so. He's hurt, but it'll solidify that people are still and always will be shitty.

R. Sukuna

Sukuna does not do love. period. The only way I could see him giving notice to someone is if they are powerful, someone who can bring him amusement. Sukuna only does thing for his own entertainment end of discussion.

I’m going to be using post-Yuuji Sukuna, so he’s restricted by Yuuji himself and can’t outright cause chaos at all times. This way Sukuna has to spend more time with people than he’d like to, normally he would just kill something once he’s bored, but now he has to deal with them.

Noticed your technique through Yuuji and was amused, much like Megumi, he thought your curse technique had a lot of potential to be devastating. As Yuuji spent more time with you, Sukuna began noticed more things about you, like that you cooked better than Yuuji, were extremely versatile in battle with your technique and so on.

The type to notice your attraction to him and act on it. He can’t really do much since he’s in Yuuji’s body, so he’s going to work with what he’s got. Didn’t care if you’re male or female, he just likes a strong partner so he can go harder during sex.

Your relationship would start with being his toy, something to bring him pleasure that is all. With Sukuna, you must both respect him and not fear him. He’s very big on respect and trust, but hates when someone he views as ‘important’ fears him because they’ll betray him the second they can. Everyone else can fear him, he doesn’t care.

Sukuna is also highly unpredictable and unstable, be prepared for death at a moments notice tbh. He’ll kill you if he feels like it. In a deeper relationship, Sukuna is a hard pressed tsundere, saying things quite harshly. Saying things like, “Here brat, I don’t need you breaking just yet.” “Dumbass, that curse was stronger than you.” “I took care of them because you’re weak.”

Trust between Sukuna and you is a game of high stakes chess, one wrong move and you’re nothing but trash to him. However, succeed in earning his trust and you’ll be rewarded with a loyal man. Though Sukuna hates showing vulnerability, so he’ll treat you the same in public places that he would treat anyone else. Alone, he’s alright with whatever as long as it doesn’t annoy him.

Surprisingly protective. He’ll kill curses he deems are a problem to you or rip a person limb from limb if he found a hair missing from your head. Doesn’t understand why you don’t let him handle it, he’s way stronger than you.

Is almost never soft with you unless he’s extremely tired or just waking up. Holding you as close as he can and telling you not to go. Don’t bring it up either, he’ll end you if you tell anyone.

Will never tell you, but likes touching you, you’re very soft compared to him. He’s the type of guy to have callous from years of fight and doesn’t really care about his skin to much because he’s a God in his eyes.

Would rather surrender himself to a church than admit he gets slightly giddy when you remember small details about him. Like this man has a lot of history, so when you know a tiny random detail about him, his non-existent heart shutters a little.

Nsfw

This man is extremely kinky during sex. I pray for your well being because honestly I don’t know if you’re going to live through sex with him. A dom top period, that last person to even insinuate they could top him was added to his innate domain permanently.

He’s into completely dominating you and make sure you know he owns you. B I G into impact play, slapping you a lot until you’re a beautiful red. Degrading and humiliating you, honestly would let people watch so they know that you’re his property.

Actually really likes his partner to be a brat, man loves breaking you and turning you into a submissive bunny just for him. Honestly he just likes pushing people beyond their limits, like really into emotional play, he wants to see your expressions when he does something. Ooo objectification, will use you like a foot stool and sit on you. Man in general will work you hard.

In saying all that, immaculate aftercare because he knows your mind is too far gone to remember him being this caring and soft for you. Literally bathes you and gets you into bed curled up on him. Also makes sure your body didn’t sustain a lot of damage during sex.

Do. Not. Taunt. Sukuna. It will not end well. “Huuuh? You think you can handle more little boy?” Eyes narrowed and smile too tight. You’ve awoken the beast and he’s not going to leave anything unbroken.

Conclusion

Sukuna’s love is... well a bike ride through hell? To be honest you’ll never know if he loves you. Everything about him is highly unpredictable and dangerous, you could end up as worm food in seconds.

Breaking up with Sukuna... you’re joking right? You don’t have the balls to tell a man who could split you into a million pieces with a flick of the wrist, you’re breaking up with him , right?

Seriously he’ll kill you, no hesitation. It’s either realize you’re stuck with him or die. I think most people would assume he never cared at first, but he did care and now you want to leave him? Absolutely not. He set everything down for you and he’ll be damned if he lets you live without him.

T. Aoi

(First and foremost- why is it so hard to find Toudou headers.)

Okay, I’m sorry but Toudou to me is a straight guy, so I can’t really see him with a male. But, if it were to happen, I think it would go like this:

Being childhood friends with Toudou, you were used to his eccentric personality and sometimes extreme antics.

This man is EXTREMELY comfortable with you. You guys grew up together, so some of the things you guys do together would definitely be seen as way too much for friends. I’m talking sharing the same bed, bathing together, using each other’s things without permission. To you guys, you’ve been doing this since you were little, so neither of you think twice.

I think there would be a trigger that would make Toudou realize he’s more into you than being friends. Like maybe someone flirting with you, he’d at first think he’s being replaced as a friend, but it’s much deeper than that. Definitely debates in his head about what he’s feeling toward you. After going back and forth with his type of girl in his head, he’ll come to terms with it.

This is when he’ll start noticing things he’s never payed that much attention to before. Things like how small you’re compared to him, the way clothes fitted to your body, how pretty you actually were and most important difference- how he’s never noticed you have the fattest ass he’s ever seen.

Seriously this man’s sexuality went from women to women + you.

Toudou isn’t the type to wait either, as soon as he knows how he feels, he confesses. He’s the type of guy to say “take it or leave it, that is how I feel.”

You kinda just stand there. Like, huh? Toudou are you feeling okay? Have- have you been cursed? There’s no way, Toudou middle name pussy pounder Aoi just said he was into you romantically... right?

After the shock, you reciprocated his feelings and began dating.

Now, this man- S U P E R affectionate and devoted. Always wanting to hold hands or link arms. He loves cuddling and playing with your hair while you sleep on him. Puddy in your hands if you give him a massage.

Toudou is immensely dedicated. He knows your favorite foods down to the amount of salt you use on your fries, knows what sizes you prefer for hoodies, shirts, button ups and so on, and this man knows your favorite movies by heart.

He’s the type to buy you something simply because you said it was starting to give you problems.

Lovvvvessss dates. I mean he’s a hopeless romantic, he wants to take you on really cheesy dates that you’d see honeymoon couples go on.

The type to want to match clothing or jewelry.

If you’re a sorcerer, he’s wanting to train everyday, he likes seeing you in action. Double points if you can match him in strength too. He respects your strength enough to not worry about you, he’s confident in his S/o’s abilities.

NSFW

Top. Enough said. Ok but seriously, he wants to clap you cheeks so bad.

Toudou has the biggest size kink too, I’m talking like he’s the type to point right at your navel and say “I’m right here baby~ can you feel me filling you?”

His definitely into railing. His favorite position is the mating press, allows him to hit deeply and as hard as he wants.

Lovesss when you whine and beg. He wants to see how much you can take before your begging him to let you cum.

The type of guy to leave your ass a nice reddish purple color. Just two big ass hand prints on you ass and hips.

✨i m m a c u l a t e✨ aftercare. It’s almost like he’s worshipping you when he’s cleaning you up and making sure you’re taken care of.

Conclusion

Being with Toudou is like being with an Aries, he’s high energy and can get easily bored. He enjoys someone who excites him both mentally and physically. Loves a challenge. Toudou’s love is like a concentrated ball of sunlight, it’s hot and bright. He’s overly devoted to you and tells you how much you mean to him all the time.

If you break up with him, he’s the type to hold his head high until he’s alone and then he breaks down, crying into his hands. Thinking, “Was I too much?” “Maybe I wasn’t enough?” He’s confident, but he’s still a person with insecurities.

[callgespenst]

My Ohayocon 2k23 Writeup

Every time I go to a con and I think “wow, so much happened, that was fun” and then it all blends together with every other con I’ve ever been to after a few weeks. This will be the first of hopefully many convention diaries/life updates so I can look back in a few years and -not- wonder where the time has gone.

THURSDAY: while the con had events (mostly badge pickup, really) on Thursday, we elected to skip out to go see the Reincarnated as a Slime movie before the weekend really got started. Good movie! Got cash out for the con and some last minute supplies (more E6000 glue for my boot covers).

FRIDAY: My wife and I both had to work in the morning but as soon as that was done we got our costumes on and got out the door! I wore my Paptimus Scirocco cosplay, which I haven’t taken the chance to do since ANYC 2019. (There haven’t been a whole lot of anime cons since then, or at least, not ones I’ve felt safe going to). Got in, bought our badges at the door (almost glad we didn’t pre-reg, the line for that was much longer) and went straight to the dealer’s room. Ran into a few friends, went to our long time favorite vendors of Otaku Joseph and Megaroad, and didn’t actually spend a whole lot of money because our collections are already massive and out of control. I got a lot of small stuff (my last daily photo) going through some dealer’s bins and chatted with a guy who was also looking through for cool robots. After that was dinner with friends at the local pizzeria, and a panel, and then we left early.

THE PANEL: Went to a guest panel for Shin Kurokawa, who worked on the AnimEigo Macross release in the early aughts. I’ve learned a lot about early anime fan culture (exchanging raw VHS tapes, some of the first cons, etc), but never really heard anything about working from an official perspective at that point, so that was fascinating. Used to be a lot harder to make DVDs, that’s for damn sure. Kurokawa revealed that the release of the DVD set got pushed up, after being delayed for a while, because 9/11 happened, a lot of people cancelled their preorders, and they wanted to cut their losses. So then someone at the end of the panel, starts to ask “So, if 9/11 hadn’t happened...” and everyone starts laughing because, what a way to open a question about anime.

SATURDAY: Our friend Koji came up for the day so a lot of our Saturday was showing them around the dealer’s hall, artist’s alley, and taking photos (I was Gamlin on Saturday, and my wife was dressed as Nekki Basara all weekend). We got lunch at North Market during the only lull in the ramen place’s line, and managed to show Koji around and have a good time. Took those two back early and then went back to the con center on my own.

KARAOKE: Fumbled my way through Totsugeki Love Heart, I usually do a lot better but I felt weirdly self-conscious at the time. The funny part was before karaoke, when we were sitting outside the room in line. The hosts were doing a sound test, and it sounded suspiciously like “The Borderline” by Sharon Apple. So I turn to my buddy next to me in line and say “Hey, isn’t that The Borderline?” and he says “I don’t think it is”. So I go up and open the door just to confirm, and I was right! And in my con-powered enthusiasm I turn around and shout “IT -IS- THE BORDERLINE, FUCK YOU ANTHONY!” to the confusion of most of the other people around us.

SATURDAY EVENING: Went to go get pizza again with a slightly different group of friends. Met a Quattro cosplayer who seemed pretty cool. Ended up sitting around for three or four hours just bullshitting, which is always good. Got tired and left just before midnight.

SUNDAY: Designated Mahjong Day. Most of the rest of my usual group didn’t show up until one, so I played some DDR (did awful) and some Initial D (did alright). I think that was the exact motivation I needed to get back into playing DDR more seriously, accidentally put on a ten-footer (on basic mode!) and got most of the way through it even though it wasn’t a song I was familiar with. Just gotta build my stamina back up. Then I helped with a mahjong teaching session, which was a nice confidence booster, I felt like I was doing pretty well with three players who were mostly unfamiliar with the game. We had -both- genders of Americans interested in riichi mahjong, “played it via Yakuza”, and “played it via FFXIV”. The game room closed early due to snow, and then we went home.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS: the literal, honest to god barbershop quartet that was there on Sunday. I don’t think they were there as attendees, they just went to entertain a crowd, and they were pretty damn good. Their group name was “The Fourskins”, and you can “follow them on nowhere”.

All in all, I had a great convention! No drama, no bullshit. Fewer of the lads made it this year than usual, but those who did come, I got to have a good time with, which is what counts. For my next convention I really need to submit some panels, cons don’t quite feel right without them.

[vincentspork]

So, last night I downloaded a bunch of DS rhythm games - mostly ones that had previously fallen under my radar. The issue with the DS' library in particular is that there was just. A lot of shovelware unceremoniously dumped onto it, so while there are a lot of worthwhile games on it a wide range of genres, finding actually, like….y'know…good stuff takes considerable digging. Thankfully, I like digging in the ground for tubers I mean good games

One of the titles I downloaded - and one that I posted about a little bit last night - was Monster Band (released as Music Monstars in Europe). It's an Elite Beat Agents-like, in that you have to hit shrinking targets in time to the music. While the gameplay itself isn't really a whole lot to write home about, the graphics are simple and fun (reminding me more than a little of Gabrielle's Ghostly Groove on the 3DS), and the licensed soundtrack, as stated previously, is fucking bananas. If it had been in production a few years later it would have one hundred percent had an endearingly shitty MIDI of Shakira's Loba in its roster.

Something about this game made it feel like a DSiWare title - it's short, it's simple, but it's so so weird. I think it's definitely worth checking out, if for nothing else than the pure novelty of some of the choice choons in it. It also includes a tool to let you mess around with the digital instruments that the game itself uses for its soundtrack, so that's pretty neat - I'm sure someone more musically-inclined than I could get a lot of use from that; I personally just smashed out the riff of Megalovania on the organ preset and called it a day.

Strangely, Europe got a pretty tonally-appropriate cover, while America got box art that was no doubt intended to confuse parents who kept getting harangued by their kids about the newest Rock Band game:

The other game I tested out…is…something called Dance: It's Your Stage! Apparently this was a multi-platform release, and while the Wii/PS3/XB3 versions are DDR clones (with the WORST arrow layouts I've ever seen in a game of its ilk. Yippee!!!!!!!!), the DS version is…also an Elite Beat Agents clone, except where Music Monstars was a lesser EBA clone for its lack of variety in its gameplay, this is a lesser EBA clone because it's simply not very good in any capacity, specifically not offering any of the feedback that EBA showcases.

Elite Beat Agents' marble mechanic, where you roll a ball from one marker to another at a consistent tempo so it "lands" in time with the music is by no means my favorite part of the game, but it does work in that game. Each note also plays a sound to let you know that you've hit it on time, but Dance: It's Your Stage has none of this auditory signaling, the marble mechanic confusingly never plays back at a speed that seems to fit the track (which is notable for how often it crops up in the charts), and….ough, the soundtrack.

I kind of knew instinctively that it was royalty-free music. There's nothing wrong with stock music - it's something that a human, somewhere, made. It's admirable. Royalty-free music, by design, however, is kind of made to slot in into the background without calling attention to itself, so it's an extremely odd choice for a rhythm game - none of the tracks are enough to really grab you, and all of the music is around the same middling BPM, so it's hard to convince yourself that there's really anything in the way of diversity in the audio.

Oh wait hold up. Live update while I'm typing this: this game was apparently a tie-in to a reality show that got cancelled after one season for low ratings. That makes sense. Uhh, I dunno, play Ontamarama instead of this. Ontamarama unironically rules.

[lovely-angst]

It’s a date

10.13.20

it’s good to be back in kacchan’s arms

It had officially been over a year since your break up with Bakugou. 

The end of your relationship had become rocky and the two of you just couldn’t keep the relationship stable no matter how hard you tried. Though it was mutual, you thought you could heal and move on after a few weeks, but here you were, a year later, still hung up on the man. 

You learned to slowly understand that whatever the two of you had, it was in the past and that it was time to move on. The single life wasn’t terrible either, but somehow, you found yourself thinking about how much more fun running simple errands would be with Bakugou.

It didn’t help much that the two of you still went to school together, thankfully, in different classes. It also didn’t help much that all of your classmates knew of the previous relationship. It seemed as if everyone was rooting for the relationship—how devastating it must have been to hear the news. 

Thankfully, being a third year in the hero course kept you busy enough to keep your mind from wandering back to Bakugou. Though lately, you’d been thinking about him a lot.

You would hear from some friends about how Bakugou was doing, how he would get amazing internships with some amazing heroes. Of course, he would, he was just that great. 

It didn’t help much that you would see him in the hallways from time to time or when your classes would meetup to train. Did he always look so cool when he wore his hero costume? You weren’t sure, but you didn’t want to keep on thinking about him. 

The relationship ended for a reason, there was no point on going back.

-

” Hey, (Name)?” Hearing your name called, you glanced upwards to find a few of your friends with large grins on their faces. “So we know you’ve been single for a while now, but I thought I could set you up on a blind date this weekend? What do you say?” 

Your eyes widened as you blinked at them, speechless. “Blind date?” you repeat, still in disbelief. 

Giggling, she nodded, “Don’t worry, he’s no creep. He’s actually in the hero course at Shiketsu High,” she informs, but the hesitant and worried expression doesn’t leave your face. “He said he’d love to meet you, I think you should give it a try,” she says with a small, supportive smile and you couldn’t help but give in. 

With a sigh, you nodded, “Fine, I’ll go.” You had no intention of pursuing another serious relationship, but it didn’t hurt to meet new people. 

So, here you were, standing in the busy city of Tokyo as you glanced down at your phone for the hundredth time—an hour passed your meetup time. Sighing, you quickly shot your friend a text, giving her an update of the date like she had asked. 

‘Got stood up :^\’

Putting your phone away, you glanced down at the outfit you had put together for the date you were supposed to go on. And to think you tried to dress up a little nicer too. 

Trying to calm the building anger inside of you, you found an empty bench away from the hustle and bustle of the city. As soon as you sat down, you couldn’t help but begin to pity yourself. 

-

“I knew today would be perfect for some icecream!” Kirishima exclaims happily, walking out of the ice cream shop before chomping into his icecream cone before letting out a pained scream over sensitive teeth.

Bakugou rolled his eyes as he held his simple vanilla cone in one hand. Though he’d hate to admit it, Kirishima was right. Today was a good day for some ice cream, especially from how busy he was in the past week. He deserved a well relaxed day like today. 

Just as Bakugou was about to dig into his icecream, Kirishima spoke up, “Hey, isn’t that (Name)?” 

His red eyes shot up to where his friend was pointing before he laid eyes on you alone on the bench, looking quite, dejected. 

“I wonder what she’s doing all alone?” Kirishima questioned curiously as the pair watched you from across the street. “Date gone wrong?”

“As if,” Bakugou scoffed, stuffing a free hand into his pocket. “Why don’t you go talk to her? Ask her if she’s okay?” Kirishima suggests, but Bakugou glances at him with narrowed eyes. “What? Why me?”

Kirishima shrugs, “You know her better, plus you’re just asking her if she’s okay!” Bakugou glared at his friend before clicking his tongue annoyingly, turning away to walk in your direction. 

“I’ll swing by in a few minutes!” Kirishima replied as bit into his ice cream once more. 

Each step Bakugou took, he wanted to turn back and tell Kirishima that approaching you was a stupid idea, but before he knew it, he was already standing in front of you.

Noting a pair of shoes slide into your view, you raise your head to find Bakugou staring down at you, thinking intensely. Before you could manage a greeting, Bakugou interrupts the silence. 

“Why are you looking all depressed here alone like someone who had just been ghosted on a date?” He questions and you know it was his way of trying to be comforting, but all you could do was sigh and give him a shrug, a sad smile on your lips. 

“Well, I have. Just got stood up today,” Bakugou’s eyes narrow before you glance back down at your nails, “It’s not a big deal though, it was a blind date my friend set me on, so I don’t know the guy, but I wasn’t expected to be stood up.” 

Bakugou stared down at you before deciding to settle down beside you, a good length keeping the two of you apart. 

“Blind date or not, it doesn’t matter,” Bakugou glances at you before offering you his icecream, “Here, I haven’t touched it yet. You seem to need it more than I do,” he says gently, your eyes wide as you focus on the vanilla swoop. 

“What? Just because I’m a girl, you think I need some ice cream to cheer me up?” You say playfully, taking the ice cream from his hands before giving it a lick. 

“Don’t act like you never ate ice cream when you were upset,” he snickers and you give him a small smile. 

“Hey bro!” hearing a voice call out, you notice Kirishima running towards the two of you with a wave. “Oh hey, (Name)! How have you been?” 

“I’ve been better,” Kirishima frowns at your response, “sorry to hear. Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bakubro here can spend the day with you. We were gonna hang, but Kaminari sent me this urgent message telling me to meet up with him at the arcade to play some DDR, so gotta run!” 

With a wave, he sped off, leaving you alone with Bakugou once more. You glanced over at Bakugou, who looked just as confused and slightly irritated at the news. 

“You don’t have to hang out with me, you can head home, I’ll be fine,” you say, standing up, Bakugou following your actions. “You have the rest of the day free, let’s go for some lunch. I haven’t had anything to eat yet.”

A smile forms on your lips as you give him a nod, “I haven’t either, lunch sounds great.”

Walking side by side with Bakugou was comforting, like all those days ago when the two of you used to date. Granted, it was sort of awkward because the two of you are no longer in a relationship. 

Tossing the last piece of the cone in your mouth, you glance up at Bakugou, “Hey, thanks for the ice cream. I guess I needed it more than I thought,” you say, Bakugou giving you his signature shrug. 

“It’s nothing. Didn’t know you were going on dates with guys you didn’t know, didn’t anybody tell you about stranger danger?” he joked, causing you to frown at him. “I only accepted the date because my friend was really bugging me to go. Plus, she said he was a good guy and he is in the hero course as Shiketsu, so how bad can he be?” 

Rolling his eyes, Bakugou scoffed, “He stood you up, so much for a good guy,” Ignoring his comment, the two of you made it to a tonkatsu curry shop before settling down to order. 

“What can I get you two?” The waitress asked, pouring the two of you some water. Bakugou studied the menu in his hands for a minute before speaking up, “One spicy tonkatsu curry for me and one mild for her,” he states, handing the menu back. 

“Sure thing,” as soon as she was a good distance away, you gawked at Bakugou, “How’d you know that’s what I was going to order?” 

“I know you can’t handle your spice as good as me,” he states nonchalantly, “I guess you haven’t changed much.” Crossing your arms, watching him drink his water, “Oh yeah? Since when?” 

“Since we last dated, obviously.” Hearing those words come from him, your cheeks flush lightly before you grabbed your water for a quick sip. “Getting shy there, princess?” 

His teasing caused your face to flush more and noticeably this time. He still knows how to wrap you around his finger. 

You didn’t think Bakugou was going to stick with you for the rest of the day, opting out to head home sometime after lunch, but here he was, standing beside you with a warm cup of hot chocolate in his hand, watching the sun go down with you. 

“This shit is too sweet,” Bakugou complained as he finished taking a sip of the sweet drink. “You didn’t have to get that drink, Bakugou,” you reminded, keeping your hands warm on the cup.

“Yeah, but you kept going on and on about how good this drink was. It couldn’t be that good and I still stand corrected,” he shot back, you rolling your eyes with a snort. “Whatever you say, princess.” 

Just as Bakugou was about to shoot another comment, the street lights and the hanging lights that hung around the trees lit up as the sun finally went down. Your eyes widened with an excited squeak left your lips. 

Your hand fell onto Bakugou’s forearm as you looked around delighted, “Katsuki, isn’t it pretty?” 

His heart jumped at the sound of your voice calling his name. He thought he was never going to hear you call for him again, but it sounded just as lovely as it did before. 

Maybe even more so now than before.

“Katsuki?” He repeated, your head turning to glance up at the male. Jumping at the realization, you quickly removed your hand from him before settling it on your cup, pushing your hair away from your face embarrassed.

“S-sorry! I didn’t mean to call you by your name! It just-” 

“It just what?”

With your lips pressed in a tight line, you tried not to show your panicking heart as you held your cup tightly. Though you felt so small and embarrassed from being caught, a rush of bravery flew through you. 

“It reminded me of the dates we used to go on when we were together,” you confessed, glancing back over at the beautifully lit street. 

Bakugou was glad you weren’t focused on him right now, you’d see how flushed he’d become from your words because you were right—it did feel like a date from the time the two of you were together. 

A ringing fell upon the quiet silence between the two of you before you reached into your pocket to pull out your phone, your face falling from a quick read of the message. 

“My mom wants me home now,” you say, trying to hide the sadness in your voice. “I’ll walk you to the station,” Bakugou quickly chimed in, your smile soothing the ache in his heart. 

The walk to the station was a quiet one as the two of you walked together no words exchanged. “Everything was going so well until I had to screw up and call him by his first name. Now he definitely knows I’m not over him after a whole year!” you scream mentally. 

“Thanks for hanging out with me today, Bakugou. I’m actually glad I got stood up for once,” you say, trying to lighten the mood as the two of you stood outside the station. 

“It’s nothing,” he replied, one hand stuffed in his pocket as the other held his not so hot, hot chocolate. “See you sometime,” you say, giving him one last smile before turning to walk into the station. 

“(Name),” Bakugou called out, watching you turn around, “I’m free next weekend if you are, for another cup of hot chocolate,” he says, watching the smile grow on your face.

“I thought you didn’t like hot chocolate?” you chuckle and Bakugou gives you a shrug, “Guess we have to find the perfect cup, huh?” Another giggle escapes your lips, fueling Bakugou’s heart.

“So, it’s a date?” you ask curiously with a playful smile, awaiting his response. “It’s a date.” Raising his cup, you followed in suit, raising your cup as well, “See you next weekend!” you say before turning around to catch your train. 

Smiling to himself, Bakugou turned around, walking back home, taking a sip of his too sweet hot chocolate, “It’s a date.”

[thefloatingstone]

What don’t you like about the trailer?

First of all THESE ARE ALL PERSONAL PREFERENCE and not really in any reflection of the QUALITY of the movie/show.

As in... I say I hate it, not that it's not good XD I just really want to make that clear because people will sometimes confuse the two, but also because people who might really be into the trailer might feel the need to defend it. When really this is literally nothing more than just "this ice cream is strawberry! I wanted chocolate!" kind of thing.

WITH THAT SAID;

I just really hate what MLP has been doing for literal decades now where it will take magical sparkly ponies who live in a Fantasy world with fantasy animals and dragons and whatever else....

and then have them live in fucking "Modern day American style suburb"

You know I literally last night for the first time was watching the 2nd Episode of Winx Club, and there's a scene where they're taking Bloom who is from Earth to see the biggest city in the world of Magic. And they do the thing where she has to close her eyes until the get off the train and then they go all "TA DA!" and reveal the city and it's just a regular ass city but slightly more futuristic and when Bloom isn't impressed they go "are you disappointed??" and her response is

"OF COURSE I'M DISAPPOINTED!!! When you said biggest city in the magic realm I was expecting DRAGONS! and CASTLES!! and MAGIC!!!! This is just a city!!!"

That's how I feel about seeing magical candy coloured horses fucking around in Downtown Los Angeles.

I'm pretty sure this is friggen permanent damage from being 5 years old and going from My Little Pony and Friends which was about living in Dream Valley and dealing with shape shifting peacocks and evil wizards to My Little Pony and Friends which was about "Oh no! The bully at school stole my diary and he's going to read it out loud to the rest of the class!"

YOU'RE A FUCKING PURPLE UNICORN WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?????

Anyway, other things I really hate is I really don't like the separated species of pony. Apparently they did this in G3 as well and I just dislike the entire concept. I don't know why. It seems really limiting and dumb to me. maybe the country I live in is just too culturally diverse to think splitting cultures up is in any way interesting. And yes I KNOW this is probably an invalid complaint because by the start of the show they'll have all blended together or something. Idk. I don't like this kind of story for MLP. Especially because it already feels more like a wikipedia article of all the different locations and species more than it does a plot.

Lastly, and this is probably just the trailer, but I fucking hate the way the dialogue is presented as how the characters will talk.

every fucking sentence out of their mouths sound like they were tailor made to be quote tweeted or put on a Hot Topic shirt as the next "Super quotable quirky catch phrase". Catch Phrases are made fun of for a reason, but show writers never stopped DOING them, they've just made cute catch phrases EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE that come out a character's mouth.

There is no dialogue. There is only hashtag relatable shirt logos

The writing feels the way this image looks

And finally I hate the dumb jock horse already. The internet has recently decided they really like the idea of a "himbo". But in my country he have a different slang word for characters which are like this dumb jock horse. And that is calling him a "chop".

As in a piece of meat.

So we have hashtag relatable coloured horses living in downtown LA, comprised of Oh-so-quirky unicorn, "normal" main character earth pony and meathead jock horse going on a quest to unite ponies that have been split along species lines as we watch them do things like play DDR while endlessly quipping at each other.

You might as well take a cheesegrater to my ears now and save me the wait.

No thanks. I'll pass.

[samsspambox]

(⌒▽⌒)☆ hi sam! So 4 the 2 truths & 1 lie I think the lie is the aerospace one just bc, & the other ask game, I think a fic I'd wish youd write about(sorry if Im wrong I dont remember) anything that has gwendolyn in it I love her so much( ´ ▽ ` ) or maybe ur interpretation of Artems old beta card where it looks like mc is leaving him in the rain, that's all have a good day! (About the last I sent in in the dead of night haha sorry (*ﾉ▽ﾉ)

hi cutie!! how you been?? god those asks were a trip and a half to find but i found them!!

actually the lie is being able to see jwst before launch and that they all happened in high school!

the aerospace firm one DID happen when i was in hs (i had to be escorted by security for an interview it was so cool) but happened mostly bc they got back to me late. i've written some base code but that happened in my first year of college! was fun lmaoo

i am slightly salty that i didn't get to see jwst when some of my peers did get to,,, but my childhood friend gave me a pin they stole from there so eh fuck it LOL

as for the fic ask! i can give you some bullet points rq!! god gwen was so fun to write maybe i should make a sequel

i'm pretty sure the first order of business for vyn once gwen gets freed of all legal bindings would be to celebrate

the rest of the nxx would definitely be on board with it too!! they do ask gwen what she wants tho and well... she's never been to an arcade before

so they go to a dave and busters-esque place (which is basically just a big arcade with adult level games)

artem makes them all eat his dust at the basketball free throws

vyn and gwen get stupid high scores in ddr and somehow get a crowd around them

racing games are luke's dominion and fucking dominates them all

marius and lyra get really competitive in the ball drop games but they're not good at them lolol

marius somehow finds a way to finance the whole trip even though everyone doesn't want him to

they all pitch in and give gwen their tickets and she picks the gaming console which has everyone very surprised but they brush it off quickly

they end up taking photo booth pictures in the end

very found family of them but also they get to know gwen better too 🥺

thank you for the ask!!! i hope you have a really good day!!!

[ms-demeanor]

While I appreciate that you want a person to live, have you considered that you are just another person who has refused them help? Sometimes it doesn’t get better. For how many years, and from how many people, is a person supposed to be ok with being dehumanized before it is ok for them to throw the towel in?

Telling someone what caliber of gun is most likely to kill them so they can start a savings fund for it isn’t helping; refusing to respond to that with anything other than mental health resources isn’t refusing to help.

But okay we’re going to have the It Gets Better talk.

I am almost thirty four years old. I’ve been getting treated for depression for literally more than half of my life. I have spent even MORE of my life than that kind of wishing that I was dead and occasionally REALLY wishing I was dead and sort of getting off my ass to do something about it. I have the standard CSA/multiple rape survivor Oh No The Trauma backstory and spent the last *nine* years living with an emotionally abusive relative who had recently taken to tracking my activity by filming me in my home.

I kind of hate “it gets better” narratives because you know what, sometimes life is shit and it doesn’t really get all that much better. Sometimes things are bad and the only thing that gets you out of the abuser’s house is the fact that your partner nearly died. Sometimes everything sucks and it sucks for a long time and there’s no end of the suck in sight.

I have friends who are chronically, degeneratively ill. I know “It Gets Better” doesn’t really help them because they aren’t going to get better. They’re going to stay sick, they’re going to keep hurting, and in a lot of cases things are going to get worse.

So “It Gets Better” kind of rubs me the wrong way. I’d like to reframe it.

You get better at dealing with the bullshit.

Sometimes your situation doesn’t improve but how you approach it does. You may be stuck in the same shit but dedicating less mental space to caretaking an abuser’s emotions. You may still be dealing with daily pain but you’ve gotten to know what triggers it and what to avoid. You may be stuck in a miserable, terrifying situation and have a rich and thriving community of fanfic authors you talk to when shit gets to be too heavy.

The people who “it gets better” narratives tend to be really helpful for are young people who don’t have any autonomy who are close to being old enough that they’ll finally get to make some choices about their lives.

It’s harder dealing with feeling trapped as an adult because you can’t generally escape the things that are trapping you by living in a college dorm or getting an apartment with a bunch of roommates or coming out because you may have already done those things OR you may be in a place where those things aren’t possible for you.

So what do you do?

Well, for starters instead of saving up money for the best kind of gun to kill yourself with save up money for something stupid and funny that you like. Save up money for a tattoo, save up money for an arcade-size DDR cabinet and pads, save up money to buy a camera to make a youtube channel of you doing bad cover songs. (And if you don’t have money to save up then take up a free hobby; if you’ve got access to the internet to send me anons about how to kill yourself you’ve got access to the internet to use AO3 and I strongly recommend you start writing self-insert fic where you get to hang out with the cool fictional characters you like because it’s sort of like maladaptive daydreaming but people will stop by and say nice things about it and you feel validated when the numbers go up)

If you *can’t* fix your situation (because you live in a country that doesn’t recognize your gender, because you’re poor and have to live with people who hurt you, because you’ve got such deep and overwhelming anxiety that making the change seems impossible, because you don’t want to abandon someone more vulnerable than you to the bad situation) then do something, ANYTHING, that you and you alone are in charge of. You’re in charge of your bad cover songs youtube channel. You’re in charge of the smiley face tattooed on your ass. You’re in charge of what happens in your totally self-indulgent, fluffy, found family fic.

Find one thing, ONE THING, that allows you to assert your autonomy and everything gets a lot easier from there because A) you’ve got proof you can do something for yourself and B) you’ve now got something to fall back on when you ask yourself “why do I keep going?”

You keep going because you like your gender affirming roleplay group online. You keep going because you want a horrible butterfly tattooed on the other ass cheek. You keep going because you want to see how many kudos the next update gets.

And while you’re doing all of that you’re making a plan.

Let’s not kid ourselves here, suicidal people are GOOD at making plans. Not at keeping them all the time, but good at making them.

So you plan to get out.

You might not *keep* that plan but if you can sit and fantasize about eating a gun so that the pain will stop then you can sit and fantasize about buying a plane ticket or running away or looking for a different doctor so the pain will stop.

Do the little things that you can do. Write fic, go fishing, fold paper cranes, take long walks by yourself, pet a cat, get a tongue piercing, read a book. Do the little things that you can control, that you enjoy, that you do just for you.

And while you’re doing that think about the train you’re going to take to leave, how much nicer the nurses will be at the new doctor, how great it’s going to feel to dress in a way that feels right.

And even if it doesn’t work and you’re stuck living with a shitty abusive harpy who screams you awake and makes you have panic attacks whenever you hear her moving around the house you’ll get better at dealing with the bullshit. You’ll build up a space for you in your head where the bullshit isn’t there.

And then maybe someday the outside matches the inside. Maybe your friend needs a roommate, maybe you get a job that pays better, maybe a new medication is released. You don’t know for sure that it’s going to happen, there’s no guarantee it’ll happen, but at least if it doesn’t happen you’ve carved out a little space for yourself where you can survive.

ALSO

I know that a huge number of suicidal people are suicidal because they feel helpless.

One way to IMMEDIATELY make yourself feel less helpless is to help someone else. Here’s an app where you can give visual assistance to blind and low-vision people: https://www.bemyeyes.com/

The world is shitty and everything sucks and sometimes you can’t make your own situation better, but you can write video and image transcriptions on tumblr and maybe that’ll cheer someone else up.

Anyway, it’s not up to me to say when anybody else has had enough, but I figure you shouldn’t try to kill yourself until you’ve gotten a stegosaurus in an admiral’s hat tattooed on your thigh or something because who knows, that could be the thing that makes you feel better enough to keep going and if you’ve put up with the pain and bullshit this long what do you have to lose by putting up with it a little longer?

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S5 Ep 18: A Series of Ecological Disasters

Booting up ye old Yugioh, booting up a new aesthetic playlist to type to. (today’s playlist is webcore, which would feel like such a damn fake aesthetic, if it weren’t that every single one of these -core aesthetics are pretty damn fake and everyone knows it.)

Anyway, it’s been so long that, I’ll be honest, I thought I booted up the wrong episode:

I usually skip the anime intro, but I try to watch it once each arc, cuz the intros change, and this arc was like “screw it, here’s all the other villains, just pretend this arc isn’t happening.” They had Pegasus, they had Marik, they have Bakura (who is kind of in this shot as well, you can see him phasing in there.) And like...I guess they’re hiding the villain of this arc or something because that was it. Alexander the Great got just nixed from this villain list and that’s a shame.

Just a real weird choice, but since apparently this arc didn’t air in Japan they probably had to outsource this anime intro and whatever studio in charge of it just cobbled together stuff from every other season and then a couple of shots of capsule stuff.

Speaking of capsule stuff: get a load of how many freakin lines the animators have to deal with every time they draw Grandpa.

Bro saw this and was like “oh yeah, this is a Shonen Jump” and yeah. The hair does give those vibes. We got a good look at what Vegeta would look like if he really let himself go.

(read more under the cut)

Sorry, my playlist started playing a song where every single line of the song is “Adrien Brody” and it took me like a few minutes to realize I was listening to “Brodyquest” completely seriously.

Damn it, webcore, don’t betray me like this.

Anyway, this arc does something super surprising: Yugi actually hugs somebody and doesn’t look like he’s going to pass out standing up.

It is pretty fitting that the good Yugi hug would go to Grandpa.

And, as night falls, Joey Wheeler has gotten hungry, and there is nothing to eat but his new best friend and spirit animal, baby dragon. Unfortunately he shares life points with the dragon, and I think if you eat it that just instakills you.

And directly underneath him--since this world is like 100 feet wide and things just conveniently happen--Tea has told everyone that they needed to stop worrying about Joey. Which is a lot coming from Tea, because her worrying about Yugi/Yami getting hurt is most of what occupies her headspace in this series.

But even Tea was like, screw Joey, I guess.

Who kinda just falls directly into them upside down, and shows us what Joey’s hair looks like when it’s sticking straight up.

For reals, admire how long Joey Wheeler’s hair is. If Tea were upside down, she would have the same length of hair.

Also speaking of Vegeta, I am low key concerned that Joey has what appears to be a significant amount of male pattern balding going on for a teenager.

Apparently getting set on fire many, many times did have an effect on Joey, and this massive pompadour he wears is a combover. Poor baby.

Holy crap, if this is what card stress and getting killed multiple times did to Joey Wheeler, can you imagine what’s going on under Seto’s bangs? That’s probably why his bangs ride so low, Seto likely wears a freakin toupee.

Guys, Joey’s gonna lose his hair at 25 at this rate. Those locks just aren’t long for this world. Poor baby.

After Joey rejoins the party, he immediately eats all of their food. Not sure why they can’t just have Baby Dragon eat like...whatever Baby Dragon naturally eats...and then transform that into shared Joey Wheeler life points, but it’s not clear exactly how much of a life-connection they have with their Yugioh monsters. Not like it matters because Joey Wheeler is default starving all the time anyway.

Tristan has decided we should start laying blame, I guess because Duke Devlin isn’t here anymore to be the local kill joy. This doesn’t seem to be important at any point, and most of the characters are just ignoring Tristan because like...once you’re in the haunted game in a haunted tomb in a random part of India--it’s kind of moot to argue about who’s fault that is, youknow?

Joey reminds us that he found this quest item in a treasure chest under a secret waterfall. No one says “that was convenient that you landed there after getting chased through a ravine by man-eating birds after you got your dragon from when you got your crotch injury from getting spliced by that tree.”

Which is when Tea says “Wait! We haven’t had a plot thing happen in like 4 seconds! Wait!”

Hey what degree of “I don’t trust nature” do you have to be to assume that all the flowers are trying to eat you?

Like what level of anxiety is Tea where she not only is like “pretty sure the flowers are going to destroy us?” but also...she’s correct? Like she’s not wrong.

They set the dog flowers on fire, but unlike the Jungle Book this doesn’t solve any problems (which apparently got taken off the Disney+ kid’s menu so...yet again, I make a Disney reference in these recaps that future generations will not understand because so much of the Disney library has been banned from the vault. It’s almost like Disney should let go of that copyright they held on for like a hundred years, because what they’re holding on to is only going to get more racist with time. But nah. Gotta hold on with their greedy mickey mouse gloves.)

So instead of using fire, Tristan used his monster to electrocute the air (?) and blind the dogs. Wisely, the animators quickly jumped to this other scene so we wouldn’t have to analyze why it’s suddenly daytime or why that plan would even work.

Joey and Tristan do a lot of buddy buddy stuff this arc. Usually we see a lot of Joey and Yugi’s bottomless friendship, but we don’t get this much Tristan/Joey love. So shippers rejoice, these two seem to have several coordinated dances and songs...and I’d say that teens don’t typically do that, but I went to summer camp, there are situational places where teens will sing the entire vacation and make coordinated dances.

Weirdly, since Joey and Tristan share so much time together, this also means Tea and Yugi actually sit next to eachother for a lot of this arc, almost as if they were a couple. Mind you, they’re chaperoned closely by Grandpa, but youknow...that’s a different energy than I’m used to seeing.

That and like, they can’t have Tea dance with them because last time she did a dance, it was like a DDR fight and she elbowed some guy like it was a fisticuffs situation. Like there was some sort of dance war going on behind the scenes of Yugioh’s card war, and it came up once and I guess Tea resolved it and the dance fights haven’t come back since.

Overall, if they did a dance with Tea, they would get kneed in the face, so that’s probably why they insist on doing cancans as a duet and not a trio.

After Joey and Tristan freak out over having no food, Tea decides to just start eating in front of them.

and like...didn’t Joey eat that food yesterday? Like last night? The short term memory loss on all these fools.

Immediately after this we realize something weird in the water. That’s right, it’s a massive head.

Yugi seems to have forgotten they lit this turtle on fire and electrocuted the entire sky the night before. Not that it mattered.

There were like...nesting birds on those trees on that island. What the hell? They just killed so MANY of those man-eating dogs that are flowers.

Seriously are land turtles allowed to just...dive underwater for long periods of time? How does that ecosystem even work? It’s like...That’s wild to think about.

Inside the temple, they have to fight a genie or something.

In case you were wondering, the only reason Tea and Grandpa got iced is because they were the closest to the door. The two who were actually standing out of harms way were the closest to harm the whole time.

Bro tells me this is also what will happen to you if you are in the front or the back of the party while playing Cthulu D&D

Anyway, Pharaoh decides to disclose that his big problem of feeling guilty all the time and taking all the blame, which he did all of last season...is still a huge problem he will probably never tackle.

Straight up, don’t be fooled by my caps, everyone else has completely forgotten about Alex, who is still running around that temple up there. They haven’t even asked Grandpa “hey is this your protege? Is this your mentee you never told us about?” Nah. They already forgot. 

How wild is it that Pharaoh thinks this is all his fault when he was the only one who was like “YUGI IT’S A TRAP DON’T GO IN THE- well...OK I guess we’re doing this, fine.” Is he upset he didn’t take control from Yugi and walk back to the plane? Because that’s the only way he could even be partially responsible, He was the only guy who was like “I see the end from the beginning on this y’all, and it’s the massive pyramid in India.”

Speaking of forgetting, they came across this language Pharaoh has decided to have nothing to do with.

This was actually a riddle and it was like...it was a riddle, sure, I guess.

And so Joey Wheeler does not hallucinate his dead wife from a previous incarnation and get on the back of his Baby Dragon to sail away into the sunset. Instead they’re just gonna walk.

Too bad Tea’s orb covered in wings only seems to hover a bit. Every single wing on that weird orb is absolutely useless.

And then Pharaoh’s pokemon is just a fire--which is hard to sit on--and Celtic Guardian...who would allow it, sure, but probably doesn’t fly (I think. He might fly)

And then Tristan’s Pokemon kinda seems like if you sit on it, you will get electrocuted. It can probably fly though. It’s very round. Seems like an anime thing that the more round your mascot character is, the more likely it can at least bounce a good distance.

So, next time, I’m just going to assume that we are going to do even more camping. And youknow, if you told me exactly HOW MUCH CAMPING was in this card game show with super future tech, I would not have believed you. But like...a lot of this series is set in the woods right? Like a lot a lot? I have grown to appreciate the woods.

Anyway, as always, if you just got here, this is a link to read these in chrono order:

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yugioh/chrono

See you next time!

[fragilefangirl]

Nomad (lost and found, what’s new?)

Read on AO3

When Xialing first ran away, she brought nothing but the things she wore on herself and the rolled up Dance-Dance Revolution carpet, slung on her shoulders.

It was a daring escape, considering their hilltop fortress of a home; there were many guards, many traps, many weapons ready to impale anybody going in or out unauthorized. Xialing spent months just mapping the inner-maze of the house, and some more learning the sewer system, since that was a sure path down below, somewhere with civilizations. 

Gege definitely had it easier, she thought to herself as her nose wrinkled due to the smell, knees deep in murky and questionable water, at least he got a free ride out of this godforsaken mountain.

She knew she had to be quick, she had to be agile, she had to be unseen; Baba had eyes everywhere, had ears everywhere, had hands everywhere. Xialing didn’t want anything of hers reaching him. 

(She wanted to, once upon a time; yearned for it, when she thought that his eyes could still be filled with brightness and his hands were still warm and his ears would still perk up at her voice. She wanted to be seen, to be heard, to be ruffled by the head the way it used to. 

But 6 years passed, and it took Xialing that much time to realize that a dying man could only do so much, so little.) 

When she finally reached somewhere that was not a forest, asking for a ride to the city from a passing truck, the driver asked what she could give him, eyeing the carpet on her shoulder. “Is that the 2007 DDR mat for PlayStation 2?” He asked. “I liked to play it in my cousin’s house back then—always wanted to get it.” 

Xialing tightened her grip to the binding rope, nodding stiffly. “Yes.” She said, curtly. Then when they arrived at the nearest metropolitan, she unlatched her bracelet—pure gold and adorned with rare, beautiful green jade, one of the things Baba gave her on the birthdays after, in lieu of his affection—and gave it to him. “Sell this to a jeweller.” She said, giving the wide-eyed man the accessory. “The money from it should be enough for you to start a trucking company of your own.” She paused, “and even buy your own mat.” 

The driver stuttered, but Xialing had already stepped down from the platform, running into the early dawn, blending herself among the crowd, finally, finally free. 

***

“Meimei,” 

Xialing looked up to see Gege, face obscured by the shadowy silhouette of the living room as he approached her. “What are you doing?” Asked her brother, tone careful. 

She paused from unrolling the DDR mat and setting the TV, looking at Gege like he just asked something stupid. “It’s Saturday, Gege.” She said, matter-of-factly, “Family game night, remember?” 

Because they all seemed to forget; Xialing had done this for weeks now, recharging the karaoke mic, setting the dance game, picking a movie. She’d waited on the sofa until she fell asleep and Saturday turned to Sunday and she was moved to her room instead of the sofa, but nobody showed up. 

Nobody ever seemed to show up, these days—Gege was always training at some corner of the house since the ungodly hours of the morning until the ungodly hours of the night, and Baba…

…well, Xialing didn’t really know where Baba was. 

Gege moved forward, and Xialing could see his face now; bruised, with blue and purple blooming here and there. There was a black circle over his eyes, and his lip was split—he looked like he was one of those fighters in the combat games he used to play in their PlayStation so much, the one he didn’t let her borrow. 

She gasped, rising from her seat on the floor and reaching out to him, trying to examine him,

(the way mama used to—)

Xialing blinked, throat suddenly feeling suspiciously dry as her eyes grew suspiciously wet. 

“Lingling,” Said Gege as he leaned over to her touch, eyes drooping somberly as he looked at her. “I don’t think we’re going to have family game nights tonight.” 

Narrowing her eyes, Xialing frowned. “But it’s cus-to-ma-ry.” She said, struggling to say the last word. “Mama said that means we have to play it every weekend, unless we’re doing something even more fun!” 

Gege gave her a pained smile, and tucked her under his right side, wincing a little as he did so. His eyes blinked a bit when Xialing mentioned the word ‘mama’, and his gaze drifted to the corner of the room, where there was a newly-built shrine with lightened incense and fresh tangerines. “A-Ling.” He said instead, tone weary and sad and did her older brother aged more than the years that passed through him? “Let’s just sleep, okay?” He looked down on her, offering her a tired smile. “It’s been a long day.” 

For him, Xialing couldn’t help but to think, intrusive thoughts rebutting so quickly she was surprised herself. On her end, days blur to weeks on end, making her feel smaller every single time she wakes up unseen, unheard, unspoken. 

“…okay.” She said, after mulling about it in a long silence. “Gege sleeps with me?”

This time, Gege’s smile was a little bit more genuine. “Sure, Meimei.” He said, ruffling her head. “You sleep on my right side, okay? My left side… hurts.” He winced just mentioning it, free hand tracing his torso. 

Nodding, Xialing snuggled closer as they walked away from the living room, Gege’s longer hands barely able to reach the lightswitch to turn it off. Xialing herself had to use a chair just to get it every time. He paused as they were finally out in the hallway, turning to slowly close the sliding door. 

“Gege.” 

“Hm?” 

“When…” Xialing hesitated. “When do you think we’ll play at family game night again?” 

Her older brother paused, hands still holding the door handles. “…maybe not for a while.” He said, finally, back still facing her.

“Oh.” Xialing’s hopeful face fell. “Okay.” 

Gege led her off, away from the living room, but he didn’t shut the sliding door completely, and from the gap Xialing could see mama’s shrine, lightened by the moonlight from the window. 

She swore mama’s gaze looked so sad.

(The day after, Baba locked the Living Room. 

A week later, they moved into the mountains.) 

***

“Aiya, these beggars!”

Xialing arrived at Macau after three days of truck hopping and self-smuggling herself into unbelievable vehicles. It helped that she was on the smaller side and had nothing with her—but it also meant that she arrived with no destination and no place to live.

She arrived at a packed apartment complex in Iau Hon, paying the receptionist with some of the money she acquired from selling another bracelet of hers earlier in the Mainland, only to be told that there were no longer rooms for the night and she had to queue on the waiting list just to get a piss-poor excuse of a housing. 

“Give my money back, then!” She protested, face red with anger. 

The receptionist counted the bills, unblinking. “Sorry, no refund.” 

She growled, “wáng bā dàn.” 

The receptionist paused, glaring at Xialing. She knew she could take him out on a fight right then and there if he tested her further. “Careful with your words, now, girl—a child your age shouldn’t be cussing to their kind elders.” 

“Fucker,” she muttered under her breath in English as she walked away, out of the complex. It was the last of her cash, too, after a series of expenses involving buying food, paying the smuggler who helped her through immigration, and compensating the truck drivers she rode with openly upfront and hidden on the back. She had to find another pawnshop to trade her remaining jewels if she wanted to acquire more money to survive. But it was nearing midnight, and all of the shops were closed.

So on her first night in, she lumped herself out with people on the back alleys, away from the main streets. There were homeless people there, huddled up together in worn carpets and makeshift tent. Macau was cold at night, and Xialing’s clothes were worn, too thin to block out the wind. 

That night, she rolled out the DDR mat and slept on it; curled up like a cat because she was growing taller than the mat’s length, staving away the cold. She put herself at the back corner, near the trash can, so she wouldn’t be seen. 

(Because she could not be seen—Xialing told herself that she needed to blend in, to disappear into the crowd, because Baba must be sending men out there, snooping, searching; he must be looking for her, the only child he had left, the last child he let slip through his fingers.

Baba must be looking for her.

Right?) 

The tacky design of the mat was her only company, and she fell asleep tracing the arrows—left, left, right, up, down, left again—while humming on a long-forgotten song. She fell asleep trying to remember a warmer night and a warmer night. She fell asleep yearning to wake up to warm laughter. 

“Mama, Gege,” she muttered, barely conscious, “Baba.” 

The cold wind blew her hair, gentle and mournful. 

***

“Mama.” Xialing said, fifteen and sitting at the shrine Baba had built in their new home, head leaning onto the altar. “I hate you so much.” 

The smell of jasmine incense surrounded the room, and Xialing buried herself further into her own arms, warm in all the way except what mattered. She knew silence would greet her, and yet still she paused, hoping for some of the magic mama used to tell her back then would come back, would make their family whole again. 

“I hate Gege too for leaving.” She said, one eye peeking into the picture of her mother, smiling behind the glass, forever immortalized on paper. “And I hate Baba for—“ 

She paused, unsure on what word should she use to describe that living husk of a man, more than eager to track down the lowly goons of his enemies but barely willing to look her in the eye during dinner. She shook her head, letting the silence complete the sentence. 

“But I hate you for dying the most.” She whispered, a quiet confession. “I hate you because now Gege’s gone, and Baba’s never around, and I feel like—“ she choked up, clutching her chest as she gulped. “I feel like one of these days I’m gonna disappear too, with the way nobody here acknowledges my existence.” 

The smoke from the incense danced, and Xialing sobbed, not for the first time and not for the last, a desperate attempt to be acknowledged by someone, by anyone—even the dead.

“Why didn’t you just hide in the room with us?” She asked, voice thick. “Why did you have to fucking fight those goons like a goddamn hero? Why didn’t you—I don’t know—wait for Baba to come home?” 

Again, silence greeted her, and Xialing sighed out of frustration. “If you were still here, I’d still go to my old school and actually have friends and—and family game night would still exist.” She chuckled, darkly. “Gege wouldn’t leave me, and,” She said, “Baba would still look at me.” 

The way he used to, when they were a heap of exhausted laughter after a particularly hard song to dance at. The way he used to, when Xialing whined because he kept repeating old opera songs none of them knew for the karaoke. The way he used to, when Saturday dinner was served and she and Gege fought over the last piece of guotie. 

“My tutors said I should dream big,” She lamented to herself, “But how can I do that when I feel far smaller now than when I was four?” 

The silence was suffocating her now, but it was better here than anywhere else in the house. 

“Tell me what to do, mama.” She said, voice faltering and tired. “Please tell me what to do.” 

The smoke from the incense rose up, up, up, carried by the wind into the windows, drifting away into the night, freed from the five walls surrounding the shrine. 

***

Jiang Er-Gege—“Just Jon-Jon, please. Or Mister Manager,” he insisted for the umpteenth time, unrelenting in this clearly losing battle, “and am I not older than your actual brother?” But Xialing is nothing if not stubborn—whistled at her new apartment. 

“Sweet!” He said, grinning, hair bobbing around as he turned at Xialing’s direction, who was still unwrapping her hand from the bindings, wincing a bit every once in a while due to the aftermath sting from tonight’s fights. “You got yourself a pretty nice crib, A-Ling!” 

“Thanks.” She said, giving him a small smile as she discarded the wrappings to the waste bin and took off her shoes, finally coming in. “Not that bad, isn’t it?” 

“For a seventeen-year-old street fighter? Psh. Not bad at all.” Er-Gege waved a hand, his hair—currently blue now, which reminded Xialing of the Sonic the Hedgehog poster hanging at her Gege’s old bedroom door, well, before—flowing and flailing with each of his enthusiastic movements. “Did it come fully furnished?” 

“Yes.” She said, throwing herself to the sofa, closing her eyes. Dawn was breaking, and most people would rise from their beds, starting their day—but Xialing wasn’t most people, and all she wanted to do was curl up in her bed and sleep. She was sure that if she insisted on taking a shower, she’d fall asleep under the streaming water, and that would just be wasteful. 

(“And we can’t have that, Baobei,” a deep, gentle voice softly told her, as larger hands guided her on how to soap all the wet plates together first. “Water is scarce in many places in the world in this day and age, and we must show our gratitude by not wasting it so easily.” Xialing felt a light pat on her hair, a slight ruffle, “can you do that?” 

She nodded, enthusiastic as she scrubbed the grimes a little harder, trying to detach the remnants of oil and spices from the porcelains so that the water would rinse the objects more thoroughly. “Mmhm!” She hummed, offering a bright toothy grin up, “Lingling will do as Ba—“)

“—Ling?” 

She snapped awake, blinking rapidly to regain full consciousness. “Sorry, I was pretty out of it.” She said groggily as she straightened herself up—fix your posture, Baobei, don’t slouch—looking at Er-Gege with slowly focusing eyes. “You were saying?” 

Er-Gege raised his eyebrows, but he shrugged and waved a hand at the direction of the TV. “That DDR Carpet looks a little… out, compared to your other furnitures.” 

Xialing snorted, throwing Er-Gege a ‘tell-me-what-I-don’t-know’ look. “That’s vintage.” She said, cupping her face with her hands, leaning over to the coffee table. 

“To whom?” 

Sighing in annoyance, Xialing couldn’t help but to feel a little defensive about the old mat; it might be ragged and old, it might be worn and torn at its sides, nibbled by the sneaky rat at Xialing’s old loft, but, “It’s the thing I slept on, my first night here.” She said, “It’s a reminder.” 

Er-Gege’s judgy expression softened, as he fully turned at her with his arms crossed. “A reminder?” he echoed, curiously inquiring. There was no malice in his tone, only an invitation to open up in a way that eerily reminded her of Gege, “of what?” 

Xialing looked at the worn arrows and recalled laughter; scanned the tacky colors and remembered warmth; eyed the frayed edges and missed three pairs of eyes, looking at her like she was someone, her own person, not a walking remnant of someone else, not a ghost before she even died—

“Of good times.” She smiled, small and bitter and yearning. 

Er-Gege nodded, glancing at her one last time before moving on, letting it go. He made a comment about her kitchen counter, how it was too Americanized and needed a revamp, but Xialing was very sleepy, suddenly. 

(Baobei—

Meimei—)

She sighed, laying herself to the armrests of the sofa, and closed her eyes, dreaming of nothing. 

When she woke up, it was noon, there was a steaming porridge on her coffee table, and there was Er-Gege, fumbling over her TV. “What—” she stretched, cracked her joints. “What time is it?” 

Turning at her in surprise, Er-Gege grinned almost immediately. “Look who finally woke up.” He said, tone light and teasing. “I bought the porridge from that Auntie’s restaurant you like so much—go eat it first.” 

Xialing straightened herself, gingerly taking her first spoonful, letting the warmth of the meal melt away the weariness in her bones. “Thanks,” she said, smiling at the bowl, feeling like she was truly her age for the first time in a very long while. “And what are you doing to my TV?” 

“Oh, this?” he jabbed a finger to the screen, which was displaying the HDMI menu. “I’m plugging in a PS2.” he said, shrugging before he dove again, lifting a black bulku box that looked just like the one they used to have at home. “I got this baby at a second-hand electronic shop, and they apparently sold old DDR game disks!” He grinned, before returning the device and returned to his work, this time to the mat’s underside, seemingly searching for its wirings. 

Xialing blinked, spoon suspended mid-way to her mouth, warm meals suddenly forgotten. “...why?” She asked, something simultaneously familiar and foreign slowly easing their way into her chest, squeezing it with something sharp but not painful. 

Er-Gege watched her oddly, like she was asking something stupid. “To play, of course.” he said, as if the answer itself was obvious. “This bad boy seemed like it hadn’t been used to its purpose for years, and I’ve never seen you dance before.” He grinned mischievously. 

Her throat constricted into something tight and heavy, and Xialing looked further down. “I—” she mumbled, “I don’t really remember how to.” 

She heard a snort and looked up, nearly fearfully, to see Er-Gege looking at her with something akin to mirth. “So what? We can always re-learn!” He said, waving a hand at the carpet, “it literally has arrows to tell you where to go; if you can kick people’s ass ordinately, you can definitely play this.” He grinned. 

It was true, but something about the familiarity of all this made Xialing feel like she should run away, like she should protect herself because what if she was happy and then it was taken from her again— “I don’t think we should,” she said, voice still so uncharacteristically small and vulnerable and fuck she missed Gege’s uncoordinated legs stepping into her and mama and she missed Baba cheating to win and she missed mama, she missed mama so much it hurt—

“Hey, Xu Xialing,” Er-Gege’s voice snapped her out of her spiral, softer tone breaking her reverie. “You said it reminds you of good times.” he rose from his squat, hand reaching out to touch her hair—always a perfect bob—and ruffle it lightly. “Far as I know, good times should be experienced, not just reminisced.”

She blinked, and for a split second she saw two other faces, grinning at her in a smile she’d yearned to see for so long. 

“Okay.” She said, nodding slowly, “Okay.” 

They ended up missing the night’s match, and the manager of the ring-fight yelled at Er-Gege for not bringing his best Champion to the arena, but as they laughed late into the night, teasing each other’s stiff moves and calling out their horrible attempts at cheating against each other, Xialing felt like she was home for the first in a very long time. 

***

“Baba?” 

She peeped at the door, loose hair falling, curtaining over her face. She was eleven now, spending her birthday with an array of nannies and tutors, gifted jewelleries and served the best dishes on an empty dinner table, singing happy birthday to herself. 

Baba’s work room was always dark, only luminized by the reading lamps, and sometimes those damned rings. He didn’t look up from his papers, but Xialing had trained herself in reading the miniscule when she realized that she would never be given something visible again, and she saw how his shoulders stiffened, how his eyes blinked rapidly, how his ears perked, slightly. 

He said nothing to acknowledge her existence, but he also didn’t shoo her away, so Xialing took what she could get. “It’s my birthday today.” She said, voice small, always feeling small, too small in this big room, this big house, “and I was wondering if—if we could spend it together? Just—” she shrugged, helplessly, already compromising her own wishes if it meant a nod from Baba, an affirmation, anything, “I don’t know, watch a movie or something…” 

Her eyes glanced at their new living room behind her, barely inspiring those inside it to live; it was cold and spartan, so unlike the Living Room back Home, where everything was warm and alive. In her old home, everything was strewn haphazardly, dance mats kicked several meters away from the front of the TV and karaoke mics on the couch. Here, the TV was never on, and all the mics and mats and cassettes were locked into the top shelf, the unspoken instructions clear; do not touch. Do not take. Do not open. 

Do not Relive. 

Baba moved, straightening himself, and in the silence that passed Xialing blinked, letting her hopes go up—

“I’m quite busy right now, Xialing.” He said, tone detached and performative, not even looking up to her as he spoke. “Maybe later.”  

Definitely never. 

“Oh.” Xialing deflated, looking down, slowly retreating. “Okay.” she whispered, mostly to herself as she pulled the door close once more. “Goodnight, Baba.” 

She was replied with only a hum, and she dared not to look up lest she saw him still focused on that damn paper, refusing to look at her, to see her even when it was her birthday because in his eyes she was not A-Ling anymore, not Baobei, not Meimei, just some personification of his fucking dead wife and—

Xialing fell asleep waiting for him on the couch anyway, despite everything, waiting for that later despite knowing that it was a lie. 

She woke up in her room, alone, always alone. 

It had been like this for a long while, now, but with Gege not returning home and her being the only child he had left in the compound, she had hoped—

Well. she had hoped.

That was her first mistake. 

***

“You know, for a compound this big, I thought your dad would have more stuff.” Said Katy as the three of them cleaned up the main house. With Baba cremated and his ashes placed on the same altar as Mama, they only needed to clean his place.

Which apparently didn’t require that much effort, given how little of him existed there. 

Somewhere deep within her, she recognized that it was heartbreaking to live like this, but that part was buried layers below anger and pettiness at how that exact way of life had sacrificed her. 

“He’s so… spartan.” Commented Gege as he observed the high shelves, trying to find a more personal belonging to salvage. “There���s barely anything here.” 

“You can use big words? Shocking.” Replied Xialing, tone flat and sarcastic as she took what she thought was valuable; the Lucky Cat figurine they brought from their old Home, family photos that were pushed into the far back, some sick-looking swords… “I thought the US’ horrible education system had stripped out all of your intelligence.” 

“I liked you better when you were smaller and less sarcastic.” Grumbled Gege as he threw her a look. Xialing snorted. 

“And I liked you better when you were smaller and not abandoning me,” jabbed Xialing, to which Gege replied by pinching her on her arm, not much to hurt so she knew it was in good nature. “Besides, you only do not like me because I’m cooler than you.” 

“Now on that front, she’s definitely right.” Katy piped up, and Gege groaned, grumbling something about all the women in his life ganging up against him. “Face it, Shaun, you’re a little lame compared to the rest of your family.” 

“I was laying low!” He protested to Katy, to which Xialing snorted. “And besides, you’re working in the same field as I am, receiving the same pay. If I’m lame, you’re lame too.”   

“Oh, I know.” Katy said, not missing a beat. “But my family is a bunch of immigrant workers, not some thousand-year-old warlord and a magical guardian of the mystiques. I have excuses, Shaun—you don’t.” 

“I can see why you keep her.” Xialing said, in-between her chuckles. “Keep it up, Jiejie.” She raised a thumb up to Katy with her free hand, and Katy—did Katy blush? 

“Okay, back to cleaning up!” Gege’s bellowing voice cut the both of them, only slightly annoyed. “A-Ling, what did you get?” She showed him her reapings, to which ke gestured her to place it on the open suitcase at the couch. 

“All these books were dusty, unopened from their wrappings…” Katy said as she scanned the bookshelves, “and is the TV wiring corroded? Shaun, did your father never watch TV?” 

Xialing and Gege exchanged glances, shrugging. The image of Baba doing anything fun after mama had died was so … foreign to them. “I guess he’s too consumed by his work.” Gege said, though she knew he doubted his own words as much as she did, for the Ten Rings had barely done anything for the past ten years. 

Katy shook her head in disbelief as she scanned more of the cupboards. “Books, jewels, antique swords—what are even these weapons?—oh! Here’s a fun rack!” Her steps stopped, “now there’s more personality; PS2, karaoke mic, a bunch of game discs, and—” she snorted, “A fucking DDR mat? Hey, Shaun, did your dad really play DDR?” 

Xialing paused, head turning to Katy abruptly. “A DDR mat?” She echoed, straightening herself and walking to Katy’s side, interest piqued. 

“Yeah!” Katy affirmed, pulling the rolled up mat down from the storage, unbinding it with one pull. “Looks old and worn, too.” She snorted, “What I really would give to see your scary dad dancing to this…” 

But Xialing wasn’t listening. She felt like everything around her was buzzing.

“...Lingling?” Someone’s hand was on her shoulder, and she snapped, looking up to see Gege looking down on her, frowning as his grip on her tightened. “Meimei, you okay?” 

Xialing wanted to say something, anything, because that wasn’t just some mat; she recognized it—had danced to it countless times when she was young, had brought it with her when she ran away, had slept on it on her first night in Macau, had—

“I threw that away.” She said, not quite recognizing her own voice as she reached to the frayed edges. “In Macau, when I moved to a better apartment—I threw that away.” 

I had it with me, was unspoken, he wasn’t supposed to—

And suddenly she was reminded on that night in her Club, Baba standing in front of her and Gege, offering them his smile, and she thought she’d been dreaming then, a childish delusion resurfacing after seeing a familiar face for so long, but—

“I always know,” he had smiled, and there was something there, something not quite cold, not the way he usually was after, something akin to the expression Xialing saw at the mirror in the morning when she had a particularly bad day and all she wanted was Baba’s guotie and mama’s soup— “where my children are.” 

***

CODA.

Opening her bedroom door with his elbow, Xu Wenwu made soft, careful movements so as to not wake his youngest from his arms. 

She was deep in her sleep when he found her sprawled on the couch at the wee hours of midnight, leaning her head on one side of the armchairs. When he lifted her up, she felt like she weighed far lighter than she should have—he frowned, he’d have to talk with the chef about that—and she only grumbled lightly, before snuggling her face to the crook of his neck, seeking comfort. 

Gently, he placed her onto the bed, adjusting the pillows and tucking in the blankets. She was eleven years old but she still looked like she was a baby when she was asleep like this—his baby, his Baobei. 

Xialing harrumphed when he slowly released her, one hand unconsciously clutching to his white shirt. Wenwu paused, freezing, fearing that he’d got caught. 

(Fearing what?

He didn’t know.)

Wenwu let her fingers clutch the fabric until they relaxed on its own, before slowly extricating her grip away from his clothing. He tucked her hand inside the blanket with the rest of her, and swpt her unruly bangs, looking at her face. 

Like this, she looked just like Ying Li. 

Something caught in his throat, heavy and shuddering, and Wenwu looked away. A thousand years, he thought bitterly, and his undoing is just some little girl’s face. 

He shook his head, swallowing the emotions away, letting it be buried deep once more. He knew he had sinned, knew he wronged his children to a fault, but he just—

Not for the first time that night, he wished his wife was still here, telling him what to do, telling him she loved him, telling him how to love. 

But she wasn’t, and their daughter was turning eleven, and he was sitting there at the edge of her bed, wishing more than anything for some magic to come and unbreak this broken family the way Ying Li had to his cold, greedy heart all those years ago in the forest. 

Xialing—His A-Ling, his Baobei, his child—stirred in her sleep, and Wenwu could see tear tracks on her cheeks, crusty and fading. 

He leaned over, forehead to hers, and whispered, softly, “Happy birthday, Baobei.”

Baba is sorry, he thought, hoping the unsaid would reach her anyways, even if he didn’t dare to say it out loud. 

The night was clear, the windows closed, but the wind tousled his hair lightly, gentle and mournful.