#it took me 90 minutes of my life to figure out how to make a web stamp

[bardof-avon]

falsettos-themed web stamps + blinkies

falsettos-themed web stamps + blinkies

[zeawesomebirdie]

Not to once again be a farmer on main but I can't believe teenager!me hated mucking stalls so much. I am actually living my best life right now

[konniesreality]

Hey Konnie, I'm going to share my success story with you.

So, for context, I've known about the void for I think over a year and I've been in the LOA community since I was 8. I've also had the most disgusting life all around especially when it came to my spiritual life but that's not important right now.

I've always been lazy when it came to the void, like on one hand I was like "Finally a method that guarantees success no matter what" but on the other hand I was like "Ugh, this is too much I don't feel like doing this right now" and kept making excuses. Because I knew about waking up in the Void State I'd go to bed and just fall asleep after listening to subliminals and affirming thinking that was going to do anything for ME personally. (P.S. just because it didn't work for me doesn't mean it won't work for you.) I did this for MONTHS and kept wondering why it wasn't working. Like I knew I was lazy but I just really couldn't bother at all...until recently.

I decided that I wanted to change and that I'd go back to the basics of the Void. I switched out the subliminals that I used before and created a fresh playlist. Link: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLA_GYb1XT6i7XafhzWTNCnerDt1x9HOiz I simply worked on fulfilling myself internally and went within entirely. Then, two weeks ago I randomly decided to just "meditate" into the void. So, I just laid down, stayed still and RELAXED. I didn't even think about the Void, my attention was to simply relax and be. Eventually, I did relax to the point my body went slightly numb so I took it as a sign to start affirming for the Void. The affirmations I used are "I am" and "I am void". I started experiencing soooooooo many symptoms such as the floaty feeling, losing my senses, the darkness behind the eyes getting darker (I wanted my void to be pitch black hence why it got dark) also that really weird eye fluttery thing idk what that is called but yeah I had that too. I was literally spinning and my heart was about to jump out of my chest istg BUT I focused on my breathing and my affirmations.

Then the weirdest thing happened. Now, mind you, I've NEVER gotten this close to entering the Void IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. But I kid you not, I felt myself literally DETACH from my body, well I more felt it in my face/head because I couldn't feel my body but you get the point. Like I felt HOLLOW like WHAT. I was internally screaming and I started to smile because I was like "I'm finally entering the void after how long now." Buttttttt when I was literally five seconds away from entering the Void completely my lovely father came in the room to ask me something so I OBVIOUSLY snapped out. (Still salty btw) But I can tell you that I was 90% in the Void and they weren't lying about feeling pure bliss and happiness and feeling calm as well as being one with yourself because I felt it too. And when I "got out" I felt SO SMUG cause I was like, I finally figured out what method works best for me AND I know when and how to do it.

So, my directions in case you want to try it out.

Go to bed around 30 minutes - 1 hour earlier. Or do it when you're going to take a nap, but it works best for me at night. Also, make sure your eyes are like slightly burning, not ask why just trust me. but not to the point it's watering just enough to make sure you're a little sleepy and will make you relax easier because I find that works best.

2. Then, relax your body and allow all thoughts to float by, don't pay any attention to it. Also, focus on your breathing. (You can do breathing techniques but I just went with a slow but natural pace of breathing, for me of course)

3. ANY SYMPTOMS IGNORE THEM ALL!! It may be hard but honestly, it's kind of like ignoring someone when they talk shit- bad example but you knowww. Just focus on breathing and affirmations here.

4. Make sure to affirm when you are ready, trust me you will know because it'll be like a gut feeling. Or when you feel really relaxed like you're in a tropical paradise or something just start to affirm. Also, I would imagine things that I'd be doing in my hr (home reality) because affirming is kinda boring after a while so I interchanged them.

And that's about it, I think the important thing to take away here is to do what works FOR YOU. If you know that this method doesn't work for you but you saw it works for me, that is not an invitation to change your method. Also, remember always that the void IS YOU, it will not exist without you so don't put it on a pedestal. You got this always and have fun living your dream life. You were born a master of the void so no excuses.

Also that new subliminal that you made is LITERALLY the only sub I use now and it's BOMB. But I obviously linked my playlist bc I used to use it.

OMG IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! Thank you so much for using my subliminal and most importantly sharing your success! It’s the truth! Find what works for you and R E L A X I know you will get in again!! TSYM for linking the playlist too! 💕💗💗

[dr0wning-in-hell]

Awkward Situation- Alex Summers

Summary: You had originally gone to Alex's room for some help on some homework but finds herself in a completely different situation.

Word Count: 3.3k+

Warnings: smutttt, cursing, p-in-v, oral (m), throat fucking, fingering, sexy talkkkkk, fluff

Pairing/Characters: Alex Summers x mutant!reader

Prompt: "Hello there unlucky angel! I just read one of your X men works and wanted to make a request! Could I plz have an Alex Summers x Reader with the prompt - 88. “Did you just… finish?” (Also could you put it under the alex summers x reader tag plz?) TYSM!!!😍" - anon / “ if you still are writing for alex summers, could you do one using prompts: 88, 90, and 96 “- anon (90- “Get on your knees. Now.” 96-  “Do you know how bad I want you?”)

A/N: Sorry this took so long, I know I say that a lot but life is busy. I figured combining these two requests would help speed things up a bit. I feel like my boy Alex should’ve gotten more screen time:( anyways hope you enjoy you horny bastards.

new masterlist| prompt list | buy me a ko-fi!!

Y/N and Alex had a weird relationship. One minute they’re flirting up a storm, the sexual tension is high and you’d think that they’re gonna fuck right then and there, and the next minute it’s so awkward you just want to gauge your eyes out. That’s how it had been between the two since they arrived at the school for mutants. 

Y/N had never been afraid of Alex, unlike the rest of the new comers who thought his power was overly destructive, she never felt that way. His plasma beams were terrifying if you didn’t understand them, but Y/N understood them just fine. Her own mutant abilities included her being able to absorb radiation, whether chemical or something like Alex’s plasma beams, which made it easy for the two of them to start their friendship. 

Alex had certain feelings for Y/N since the day they met, but never wanted to tell anyone or even her just incase she didn’t feel the same way or a rumor started and embarrassed both of them. He’d spend his days thinking about what it would be like if she were his, what dates he could plan for the two of them, what their first kiss would be like. Alex was head over heels for this girl but was too scared to say anything. The boy would watch her from his window as she sat outside in the courtyard with her friends, studying and laughing. He like to watch her laugh, the way she smiled. It made his heart warm and fuzzy. 

Y/N was the same way, watching him outside with his brother or Hank, whether it was just him taking a leisurely walk or training, she was watching him. Obviously neither one of them knew that the other was watching, there were to oblivious to the fact that they both held feelings for one another. With as much tension that the two held between them, you’d think at least one of them would catch on eventually. 

That was not the case though. 

It wasn’t until one evening that Y/N had decided she wanted to spend some time to herself, read a book and chill in her room. The only catch was that the book she wanted to read was currently in Alex’s room since she had let him borrow it. Did he ever actually read it? No, it was just an excuse to see her. 

Putting on her fuzzy slippers, Y/N slipped out of her room and walked the hallways till she reached Alex’s room. Since he wasn’t a student, but not entirely a teacher either, he had his own room on the same level as most of the older students. As Y/N went to knock on his door she heard strange noises coming from inside the room, it sounded like moaning maybe? She wasn’t quite sure, but if that’s what it was then she didn’t want to interrupt, that would be extremely awkward. Y/N was about to walk away, give her friend his privacy, but when she heard him moan her name? She stopped dead in her tracks and couldn’t help but listen. He must’ve just been finishing from the sounds of it, which is why when she tripped over own two feet and made so much noise had he ended up opening the door.

Alex stood there, covered in a small coat of sweat, breathing heavily with his hair stuck to his skin. Before Y/N even realized what she was saying, the words were already coming out of her mouth. “Did you just... finish?” Not only were her cheeks burning from that question coming out so quickly, but she felt hot all over with a racing heartbeat, it felt like she had just run a mile. Just as Y/N was about to walk away and end this awkward situation until she felt Alex’s hand grab her wrist and pull her into his room. It smelled of stale air and just slightly of cologne. 

“How much did you hear?” He sounded out of breathe and a little worried. 

Y/N gulped slowly as her brain rushed with an excuse to make it seem like she hadn’t just heard him moan her name as he was jerking off. “I- uhm, I heard enough.” She refused to look him in the eyes now, it was just too weird. They were best friends.

Best friends who both had feelings for the other but was too scared to admit it.

“You’re lying.” Alex had now backed her up against the door. When did he even close that? Y/N’s back pressed against the door, Alex looming a little too close for the situation at hand. He wanted her to admit that she had heard him, that she heard him say her name. “Do you know how bad I want you?” His lips felt like they were just centimeters away from hers, she could practically taste him already. 

Y/N’s breathe hitched in her throat as she tried to make sense of what she just heard. She wasn’t hallucinating, was she? Alex really did just say that? Without another thought Y/N pushed herself off the door just enough to press her lips to his, finally connecting the two of them in a way that they had only dreamt of. Alex didn’t hesitate to pull her closer to him, his hands finding purchase on her lower back as he kissed her back. Their lips melded together, like they knew that’s where they were supposed to end up all along.

The kiss heated up quickly, their tongues dancing with the other as they explored the other’s mouth. Alex could taste her tea that she drinks at night, a bit of honey mixed in, while she could taste his cinnamon gum he had chewed on after dinner. It felt like forever before they had pulled away from each other, panting softly as they tried to compose themselves. 

Alex couldn’t help but move uncomfortably as he held Y/N, his hard on pressing firmly against Y/N’s thigh through his jeans. “Get on your knees. Now.” She did so without any question, falling to her knees in front of him with big doe eyes looking back up at him. She watched as he roughly pulled his sweatpants down, his boxers following shortly after. Y/N’s mouth went dry as she took in the size of his length. He was long and veiny, with a good few inches for girth. Alex watched with lidded eyes as Y/N moved her hands to his length, a bit of hesitancy lingering in her thoughts.

“Can I touch it?” Y/N didn’t dare to look up at Alex, she felt like a virgin seeing a dick for the first time again. The boy chuckled above her and nodded. Slowly Y/N wrapped her hands around his cock, using both of them to create friction against his aching length. She watched as pre-cum began to build up at the tip, to which she moved the pads of her thumb over the tip and rubbed it across the slit. Alex sucked in a breathe at the sensation, every fiber of his body going rigid as he let her play with his dick. After a moment of teasing him she got the the good stuff, moving her head forward and sucking the tip into her mouth and then ever so slowly inching it down her throat.

Alex felt like he was going to bust just at that alone, the feeling of her soft lips, her warm tongue lapping at the underside of his cock? It was an experience he never wanted to end. Though he wanted to start bucking his hips at his own pace, her throat like a fuck toy, he knew he couldn’t do that to her... yet. Y/N looked up at him through her lashes, eyes big as her mouth and throat were now completely stuff with his cock. She watched as his eyebrows knitted together once she started moving her head up and down, her tongue running against the underside of his cock and then to the tip when she’d come back up. Alex couldn’t help but thread his hands through her hair and help guide her movements, though it seemed as if she knew exactly what to do to get him to fall apart.

“Fuck, Y/N.” Alex grunted with his head tipping back in pleasure. He could feel her grin against his crotch, ever so pleased with being able to make the boy above her fall apart so quickly. His hips began to move on their own accord, thrusting in unison to match with her head bobbing up and down. She liked where she was at, seated underneath him and turning him to putty in her hands. Once she realized he was holding back she moved one of her hands onto his, squeezing it as a sign of trying to tell him to use her like he was wanting to. 

When Alex didn’t get the hint she took into her own hands and shoved his cock all the way down her throat, gagging slightly but not letting it stop her from holding him in place. That’s when he realized what she was saying without actually saying it. Finally letting himself go he thrusted rapidly into her mouth, his tip pushing past the back of her mouth every time. In no time he had her drooling and gurgling around his cock, face fucked with red cheeks and teary eyes. It was truly a magnificent sight, seeing the girl he had been dreaming about forever sitting prettily on her knees for him. 

Y/N let him use her face, her stomach tightening knowing that he was getting off on this and so was she. Her pussy constricted against nothing, the occasional rub of her panties and sleepwear against her clit causing her to moan against Alex’s cock. She desperately needed friction, anything to relieve the building ache in her core. Reaching between her thighs she pressed two fingers against her clothed clit, rubbing in tight circles to feel that spark of tension finally released. The moan she had let out caused Alex to look down at where her hand was at, the sight causing him to cum in her mouth without any warning. Y/N gagged at first, a bit surprised but then let the salty fluid fall onto her tongue. 

When Alex was done cumming down her throat he pulled out of her mouth and watched as she stuck her tongue out to show it to him, then pull the muscle back into her mouth swallow it, then show him her now empty mouth. Alex was hard again in no time, rushing to pull Y/N to her feet and ripping her sleepwear off of her. It didn’t take long for them both to be completely bare in front of each other, their bodies hot and covered in a thin layer of sweat. 

“Need to be in you, gonna fuck you so dumb you can’t even remember your own name.” Alex watched her legs rub together at his words, smirking to himself knowing that she need to feel him against her in any way possible. Without having to be instructed Y/N went and laid on the bed, sprawling herself in the sexiest way possible. If Alex wasn’t riled up already, he sure was now. “Think you need to be prepped a bit first, don’t want you hurting.” 

Alex moved between her legs, spreading them impossibly wide to get a look at the pussy presented to him. She was glistening, her slick nearly dripping down her hold and to the sheets. Alex rubbed her clit first, creating some stimulation before he inserted his pointer finger to get her started. 

The initial feeling of him touching her in her most private area had her eyes closing tightly, her hole clenching aimlessly. The feeling of his finger being inserted into her was already making her head fuzzy, her body accepting the intrusion quickly. Alex started with slow thrusts of his finger, making sure he felt every inch of her velvety walls. After a a minute or so of getting her used to one finger he added a second finger, watching her closely to make sure she wasn’t in any pain.

Y/N moaned a bit too loudly, instantly silencing herself by biting the inside of her cheek. Alex looked up to see her struggling to keep herself quiet. “So loud already, wonder what you’ll sound like with my cock in you.” Everything Alex was saying was making Y/N wetter by the second, surely dripping onto his sheets by now. Alex moved his fingers skillfully, scissoring them to stretch her opening as much as possible. 

“Alex please,” Y/N whimpered, “I can take it.” Could she really? She was about to find out. The blonde looked up at her, eyebrows raised at her.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or feel any pain.” Y/N let out a quick squeak of a ‘yes’ before she began to frantically nod her head. Alex chuckled before reaching into his side table drawers and scavenging for a condom. Once his fingertips brushed the plastic packaging he pulled it out and began to open it. Y/N waited patiently, though she was ready to pounce on him at any second from the anticipation, she didn’t want to ruin the moment. 

Alex moved himself back between her legs, being sure to run his hands up her thighs just to tease her more than he already was. She let out a whine of protest when he caressed her skin, her hips moving forwards as she tried to find any sort of friction or relief.

“Let me know if you feel any pain, okay?” Alex was slowly stroking himself as he nudged the tip against her opening, her juices instantly soaking the condom as he began to push into her. The gasp they both let out as they felt one another for the first time was a feeling neither of them wanted to end. Alex pushed more of himself into Y/N’s cunt, watching as she swallowed all of him up so easily. His eyes shut for a moment as he tried to calm his breathing, feeling as if he would bust the second he started to move. 

Letting out a shaky breathe he began to slowly move his hips, creating a steady pace to start out with. His hands were grasping Y/N’s hips, using them as leverage to thrust himself into her.

“Can- can you go faster?” Y/N gasped, her mouth hanging in a small ‘o’ shape as he body already began to shake. “Please, want you to go faster.” She looked up at the blonde with her pupils blown wide. The sight made his heart skip a beat, but his brain had no problem with working faster than he could comprehend. His fingertips dug into the soft flesh of her hips as he began to pound himself into her faster. 

Y/N couldn’t stop herself from letting out such a loud moan, her hands going down and grasping Alex’s wrists in pleasure. The faster pace had caused him to bury himself even deeper into her, hitting places inside her she didn’t know someone could touch. Alex grunted as he watched how blissed out the girl beneath him was. He was still in a bit of shock that he was fucking the girl he’s loved for so long now, it was like a dream and never wanted to wake up from it. 

Alex moved himself a bit, getting closer to Y/N as he pushed her knees to her chest and practically folded her in half. His cock was nestled deep inside her, still and throbbing against her velvety walls. “You feel so good,” Alex panted as he leaned down to kiss Y/N, their skin sticking together as they molded together. “Just wanna stay inside you forever,” He grunted as he began his brutal pace again, now putting more weight down on her body as he continuously slammed his hips against her ass cheeks. 

Y/N’s hands went from his wrists then up his arms, groping his biceps before they fell to her knees as she held her hands on top of his. Alex managed to intertwine his fingers with hers, holding her hands tightly as he moved in and out of her clenching walls. He felt so deep inside her she swore she was just going to be ripped in half by him. Not only was his cock brushing against that spongey spot inside her, but the sheer weight of him pressing on top of her body made her melt into the bed. 

Alex’s thrusts grew in speed as the two mutants began to reach their climaxes, their bodies covered in sweat with small beads falling onto the bedding and soaking the sheets in more ways than one. He watched the way Y/N’s face scrunched up with each thrust of his hips, the tip of his cock pushing itself against her cervix in the most painfully delicious way possible.

“Alex,” Y/N whined, her nails digging into the flesh of his hand, “I think I’m gonna cum,” Her little whines and gasps spurred Alex on, though he felt like he was about to cum as well, he wanted her to cum first. 

As if it were even possible, Alex pushed himself so incredibly deep into Y/N’s soaking pussy, his balls nestled nicely against her ass cheeks. The feeling of him so deep inside of her and twitching with every movement was the final straw for Y/N. She came undone on his dick, her hips jerking slightly as she clawed at his hands. It didn’t take too long before Alex was cumming into the condom, the feeling of Y/N’s walls clenching so tightly around his cock had him nearing his end as well.

Alex leaned down, wrapping Y/N’s legs around his torso as he pressed his body against hers. HIs forehead stuck to her skin, his hair a mess as it clung to him. The pair breathed heavily, relishing in the final moments of their ecstasy. He placed a soft kiss against her lips before he pulled himself away, gently easing his cock out of her abused cunt and discarding the condom into the trash bin. 

“That was unexpected.” Y/N finally said once the cloudiness had left her brain and Alex was laid next to her. He chuckled at her but nodded. “It was really good though, like really good.” Y/N chuckled to herself as Alex rolled his eyes playfully at her not so over exaggeration.  

Alex pulled the girl against his side, tucking her head under his chin softly. “I hope you know I don’t want this to be a one time thing, I want to take you out on a proper date and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.” Alex was starting to nervously ramble, so to ease his nerves Y/N kissed him softly. Luckily, it shut him up.

“I’d love to go on a date later on, but right now I just wanna cuddle.” She snuggled back into his side, her hands laying against his chest. Alex smiled to himself, his arms falling around her body as he held her. 

If this was a dream he never wanted to wake up.

[sarahowritesostucky]

Bucky's Hands 🫠 And Angry GIF Racists

Originally I saved these GIFs off of Google and posted them with a similar caption as they have below. Nothin' special. Just meant to be a cute drool-over-Bucky post. It got a few thousand likes, which was neat.

A couple of months and a few hundred reblogs later, the girl who apparently made the GIFS messaged me--very pissily, informing me that since she made them I had no right to post them and how dare I!

I told her I don't see any issue with saving a GIF off of Google to use in a post or embed in a fic, etc. They are simply clips from movies, after all.

She furiously told me to remove my post.

TBH, I was about to ask if she'd be cool with a link to her account for credit (even tho the GIF already had her watermark on it). And if she'dve said no, then I was prepared to delete the post just to shut her up. I figured she was 14 or something. Angry on the internet, what are ya gonna do, right?

But I decided not to say that or do that, when within an hour of her messaging me, about six of her mutuals started messaging me nastily. And then one or more of them began anon-bombing me with hate. At least one of them included racial slurs, ethnic slurs, and wished for/encouragements for me to go self-delete.

Since she or one or more of her friends are such ugly, racist people, I chose to say "bye bye, I will continue unapologetically saving and using GIFs from Google."

Then, to illustrate the point of how stupid she was being, I went and took about 90 seconds - 2 minutes of my time and made. the same. exact. GIFs. Boy was that "unique artwork" hard to make 🙄.

So in case somebody doesn't know my stance on this: I will always credit and never repost other people's paintings, drawings, digitals, sculptures, poems, fanfics, fanvideos, edits, manips, belly button lint weaving pieces, blurbs, and poetry ... but I'm not going to refrain from using a widely-available GIF if the maker of said GIF isn't readily knowable. If they are, great, I'll give credit. If not, oh well.

And if floridamatista (I think that was the name?) or any of your sweet friends ever come across this post, I encourage you to reevaluate your value system in life, that you felt it appropriate to throw out the n word, death threats, and antisemitic slurs over. a fucking. GIF. (and also: seriously? either figure out what/who I am so you can choose the applicable slurs, or just stick with regular old curse words. The n word the k word and the r word??😳 That's some next level shit! I know there's probably at least one black or brown jew with an intellectual disability in this world, but I'm not one of them. Pick a category of humans you most like to be vile towards and stick with it (or, ya know, don't be vile at all, as per the Tumblr ToS).

The hands, the veins, those thick wrists 🤤 Lord, I did not need a new kink today, but alas I have found one anyway.

(Go ahead and use without credit, y'all. Since they're, ya know, one second long clips taken directly from movies)

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

Be My Valentine | Ch- 1 "No"

pairing: Vernon x reader

genre: fluff, angst, slight crack, friends to lovers, non-idol!au, college au

summary: College was hard enough and the thought of spending Valentine’s Day alone and sad was not your style. And the best solution was to go on a platonic date with your best friend Vernon. It goes so well that it becomes a tradition until it gets messy… nothing ever goes wrong by pretend-dating your best friend right?

status: ongoing

a/n: first time trying something like this cuz I saw too many edits on Vernon’s Fire verse! Please tell me your feedback!

pictures from Pinterest!

As if the sheer cold of the dying February winter was not enough to make life miserable, it also had to be dubbed the month of love. You weren’t a cynic but you knew enough to understand that Valentine’s Day and the gala around it is all nothing but a big capitalistic scheme. As the happy couples invest in the meaningless gifts and expressions of their extravagant love, the lonely saps drown their sorrows in the name of self-love. But your biggest complaint against this whole bonanza is the forced self-hate, even though it usually felt perfectly normal to be single and you even enjoyed it, this time of the year it always felt worse.

Maybe you were just another miserable single sap.

This year was going to be different. You were determined. But also you didn’t want to go through the painful process of pretending to be interested in a guy who, like all the other ones, would either turn out to be misogynist, homophobe or a transphobe- which constitutes 90% of the available population in your uni.

Hence why you find yourself walking with purpose toward the university library with the sole motive of hunting down you’re too smart for his own good best friend of a year and a half, Vernon.

You still remember meeting that shy little boy on the first day of your undergrad, looking lost in the crowd of the class and hoping you would let him sit with you. All it took was an awkward introduction for both of you to build your solid friendship. It was a perfect match- him, a hardworking genius with very minimal social skills and you, an almost genius with the concentration skills of a goldfish.

Vernon might be top of the class, a computer nerd with the face of a young Leo DiCaprio but even he was prone to the February blues and having seen how miserable he was during the previous year Valentines Day, especially as he watched his high school ex go gallivanting about with his then-roommate, you were determined to make this year a good memory for both you.

Also, he is the only guy in the university that you trust and is capable of handling you at the height of your drunkenness.

Looking at your watch you realise that only 10 minutes are left before he leaves his sanctuary at the library and goes to his Virtual Reality class. Of course, you knew his schedule, and he knew yours. He also knew that you hated being left on read and yet chose to do the exact same thing when you had texted the previous night about your genius plan.

Wheezing you finally reach the third floor of the big library that hosted all varieties of nerds and unfortunately, couples (they're everywhere this month, ugh). Walking across rows of shelves interspersed with group tables filled with students seeking refuge from the harsh winter cold or simply biding time, you finally reach the semi-private cabins.

Counting down five from the cabin to your right, you march toward the one you knew Vernon would be in. And surely enough, when you peek your head through the partition separating the hooded figure on the chair, with headphones and his laptop, from the rest of the library.

His head is bent as if he was peering into the laptop through the screen and as you move closer to his chair to reprimand him you realise he is sleeping. Gently moving inside the cabin, standing near the table, facing him, you can see that he had slept while coding. It doesn’t even surprise you anymore.

“Hey douchebag”, you say as you tap lightly on his shoulders. He jerks awake and blinks a couple of times before you see the understanding of reality dawn on his face. Removing his headphones, he moves his chair lightly behind and ruffles his fluffy hair.

“What do YOU want?” He sounds like his usual annoyed self. If you didn’t know he truly did like you as a friend you'd be offended.

But you don’t mind the grumpiness one bit as you settle down on the little space on the table smiling lazily as he gets more annoyed by the disturbance to his ecosystem of peace.

“I want a lot of things, for instance, I want a big mansion on top of a hill just to relax in the summer. I want to know why dolphins were made to be sea creatures if they can’t even breathe in water. I want to know why my skin breaks out in hives due to stress ONLY on my left side. I want to know why I get horny when-“ “Please shut the fuck up.”

He cuts you off with his palms reaching up to cover your mouth mid-sentence. You try mumbling against his palm for a second before which he grips tighter effectively stopping any attempt on your side.

He slowly lifts his eyebrows to warn you against trying to babble again and you nod in affirmative to the same. His eyes thin as he considers your sincerity of shutting up and seemingly convinced releases his grip on your face.

“Why do you talk so much all the time!” He growls as he rubs his eyes while settling back on his chair and lets out a yawn. He looks so much like the freshman kid you met and less like the overworked junior that he is.

You shrug nonchalantly (or so you hope).

“Someone needs to balance your entire lack of energy.” He sighs and slumps back on his chair. “Yeah yeah, I’m not arguing with you anymore… I’ve learned it’s best to just agree with you.” You give him a sarcastic smile as you say, “They don’t call you smart without a reason.”

He responds with an incoherent dismissive grunt and after a moment begins to lean forward as he tilts his chair towards you with both his palms placed on either side of your thigh.

Oh.

“No.” That’s all he says, his brown eyes twinkling, mouth pressed into a straight line looking right at your eye. You're sitting on the inclination of the table and he's on the chair looking up at you, yet he looks so intimidating. Not that you are going to let him bother you.

Two can play this game.

You lean forward and meet his face, a good few inches apart, bring out the good old puppy dog eyes and whisper, “What is the ‘no’ for Hansol”. You purposefully use his Korean name knowing he gets annoyed when you say it (Not sure what that is about till now).

You can see him grinding his teeth beneath that calmness and a smirk naturally plays up your face.

“Quit it, y/n. I saw the text and I’m not going to do it. Get lost.” The words fall out of his mouth in a hurry as he continues to grit his teeth together and not lose eye contact.

“Oh, so you did leave me on read by purpose.” You fake a heartache with your left palm pressed on your chest and your right palm on your forehead. He sees you dramatically pretending to have a heart attack and headache at the same time for a good minute before he decides to end this charade. Just as he moves to get up from the chair you hold him down with your hands on his which were at the side of your thighs.

“Pleaseee”, this time the puppy dog eyes come out naturally. He looks at you for a second before sighing.

“Ugh! You’re impossible but alright.”

“Wait really?!” You squeal a little too loud in excitement and earn a dozen “shh”s in response from the general crowd in the library. Looking around apologetically and back at Vernon, you hold his hands in yours (they’re somehow always warm even in the depths of winter).

“Is that a yes?” Cue more puppy eyes. Another sigh. “I don’t have a choice do I!” Grinning wide, you say “Not really.”

Vernon looks to the side as if to consider something important before turning to you, looking down at your still-connected hands, and then your face.

“I’ll do it but it’s gotta be strictly platonic-“ you’re violently shaking your head in positive because of course that doesn’t need to be said.

“-andddd….”, he’s got a mischievous glint in his eyes which stinks of trouble for you. This is the same glint he had when you ended up eating a pizza with ice cream AND a steak.

“And?” You prod, curiosity up to the brim of your head. “I want you to formally ask me… now.” The grin has turned into an almost full bright smile. “What does formally mean?”

“I’ll leave the details to you…” he shrugs and removes his hands from yours and pushes the chair all the way back to the wall and folds his hand.

“I can wait all day”, he sounds way too proud, sitting there in his hoodie and that smirk(I swear he looks like an actual young Leo).

“No, you can’t. You have a class in-“, you make an ordeal of checking your watch, ”-exactly 9 mins.” He shrugs, “This is worth missing it.”

This bitch.

"Are you really cashing in your bet right now?" You ask referring to the advantage he got after you lost your bet in a UNO game six months back.

He just nods casually and stretches on the chair before settling in a lazy and proud position, again.

You groan knowing he won't give up and get down from the table and get on one knee facing him.

“Chwe Hansol Ve-“ “Nope. Redo.”

This actual bitch.

Giving him your best glare you adjust on your knee, clearing your throat, you try again.

“Vernon…”, you look at him for approval and he nods. Ugh.

“… will you be m-“

“Louder, I can’t hear you.” His grin has transformed into one of his signature all-teeth-visible smiles and his entire face is lit up in amusement and joy.

Clearing your throat a little too loudly, you try… for the third time. Humiliation and anger heat up your entire face.

“Vernon, will you be my platonic Valentine?”

Your voice echoes in the near-silent library halls and the minute you’re done at least another 20 “shhs” are once again thrown your way.

People are assholes.

Vernon looks positively thrilled. He is full-on laughing, shoulders jerking, all 32 of his teeth in display and eyes disappearing behind the light of his smile.

If only he didn’t look so wholesome and adorable when he humiliates you.

He straightens up after a couple seconds and rubs his index finger against in chin, in fake thought.

“Hmmmm...”

Oh god, he is planning something... shit

"No."

[oh-saints]

can you write about kepa and a teacher? xx

i'd never thought i like writing this but here we are

footballer

you always try to be as accommodating to your students as possible but when the career day comes and you have no idea who might possibly fill in the sick guest star's shoes, your boyfriend comes to the rescue.

kepa arrizabalaga x teacher!reader

word count: 1.4k

note: blurbs for this guy bcs i think i might write too long if i continue LOL but this time i happen to write this during work so ofc this is not proof-read.

“fuck.”

being a teacher to primary school students, you vouch yourself to always try your best to reduce cussing. no matter where, but especially in public places that exposes you to children in general. mcdonald’s during peak time is definitely not a place to decide it’s the best place to swear out all the bad words.

for that fact alone, kepa swings his head towards his girlfriend immediately with pure confusion and worry plastered all over his face. the degree of damage must’ve been too high for her to lose her self-control.

“what’s wrong, amor?”

and there is the face he recognised happen so rarely. the face of someone in the brink of having a mental breakdown—being a teacher, you tries her best to keep her composure at all times, no matter how absurd the kids’ question and imagination might take her.

kepa immediately wraps his arms around you and runs his palm on your back, in the attempt of soothe you. under his touch, he notices a mild tremble running across your body and he can’t help but sway their entangling bodies left and right, peppering kisses on the top of your head as he does so. she must’ve been under so much pressure…, kepa thought.

but that’s what you like about kepa. before you two even got together, you know he’s always going to be a constant fixture in your life because he will always be there for you. when he can’t be with you, he’d make it up in words and long calls until you feel better.

now, you can’t ask for a better boyfriend. he never pushes you to do thing you’re not up for it, like right now. he’d never insist you to tell him what goes wrong immediately and instead would always let you have your own little space first. he recognises that it’s normal to be all over the place for a moment, as long as you get yourself back together as quick as possible—he knows life is always like that, he’s got 90 minutes of game for a weekly simulation.

during the whole queue leading up to the mcdonald’s cashier, kepa wraps you around him like a mother koala to her joeys. you don’t mind, for you always like hugging him. despite his slender figure, he’s firm and sturdy from all the muscles and it’s as if you’re holding your pillar of life. in which, in a way, is what kepa is in your life.

and he likes having you clinging to him because your figure somehow moulds perfectly into his, filling his curves nicely like a pretty glove but never suffocating. just like your relationship; built tightly upon trust so you don’t suffocate each other.

“you know the career day is tomorrow,” you start, as you peel off the paper of his bigmac. it’s now becoming a habit to prep his food first before you, and it’s becoming kepa’s personal reason to bring you for a meal out for that reason alone. “and i managed to get this astronaut to come as my guest star this year,”

kepa manages to slip a muchos gracias, baby and throws her a smile as he receives the bigmac from her hands. “let me guess, he bailed.”

“he died this morning, kep,” you huff out your frustration because who else are you going to bring to the career day? it’s basically the only day where the teachers are competing to flaunt their best contacts on their phone. “it took me months to get him on board and now i don’t know who else to bring at such a short notice.”

“is the job footballer allowed for the career day?”

＊✿❀○❀✿＊＊✿❀○❀✿＊＊✿❀○❀✿＊

you know kepa’s always man of his words and know that he’ll always be there to support you through thick and thins but damn. you didn’t expect him to truck through your damage control plan.

well, technically it’s his. kepa offered himself to fill in the astronaut’s empty shoes for the career day.

you, at first, panicked. that was pretty much given. because at this point, kepa knows the drill—a student of yours would ask how you can get to know and befriend such an important figure. you can’t exactly say kepa’s your boyfriend because it doesn’t seem ethical to bring your boyfriend, someone so personal, to your professional life.

let’s also not forget the whispers and suppressed talks behind your back because you’re date the kepa arrizabalaga, chelsea’s number 1 goalkeeper. funny because you’re sure some of them know about you and kepa, the mainstream gossip was the one who spilled the hot tea of him dating a mere commoner a long time ago.

but the moment you introduced kepa to your class and was met by a very rowdy response, especially from the boys, all of your worries are replaced by relief and you can’t say enough silent thank you over your shoulder as he stands behind you, facing the excited class with warmth that can contend the sun shining outside.

and maybe he melts you more than the bright sun by the way he handles the hyped children effortlessly good for what’s considered his first try. he entertains as much questions as possible and provides a reasoning logical enough for kids in the case he can’t answer their question. he walks around the room to attend to them personally, even going as far as crouching to meet their eye level whenever they’re too shy to say something.

he controls the room with ease but in a fun way that gets the kids immediately listen to him. he gains respect from both boys and girls alike. no wonder he’s kept his first-choice place for a long time and now obtains back the gaffer’s trust on his capacity and capability.

“can you tell us your match-winning technique?”

kepa’s impressed by the question. the daring challenge, for instance, but also for the words the child uses to construct his question for his age. but he’d surmised as much, for you’re an exemplary teacher to begin with, especially on things related to words. he used to refer you as the walking thesaurus for your broad knowledge on literature, but now he’s more proud than anything that you’ve influenced the kids in a good way.

“how about if i show you instead?” kepa then switches his attention to you, who’s standing attentively at the back of the class, only interrupting when the question queue gets out of order. “can we do that?”

“outside?” your eyes scream panic because getting these kids to behave indoor is one thing, but outdoor is a whole new different game. “on the field?”

“we’re not allowed to play football inside, are we, miss?”

your student’s rebuttal and you’re lost. kepa had to smile at the smart remark that cornered you to a checkmate position, these lots are definitely your students.

but kepa once again proves you wrong. if he’s that good with kids inside the classroom, you underestimate him with kids outside of the classroom. more over on the grass, with a foot ball on top of that. he’s back in his habitat, for the lack of words, and he might be your own contender to be the class’s best teacher.

as he promises, he shows the class the basic techniques to be a good goalkeeper, fixes the postures for those who get it wrong. he then proceeds to show the kids his signature move and also why footballer should also be considered as career, not just a mere occupation most of people rather overlooks. all with the level of patience you never know you can possess.

at the end of the day, your class wins the best presentation and garners envious looks from other classes and teachers. but most of all, your students gain a valuable lesson they might not understand now, but definitely useful in the future. and a good time, on top of that.

as soon as you slide yourself into the leather of kepa’s expensive automobile after wrapping up everything, you waste zero second to place a perfectly strategised kiss on your boyfriend’s lips. your sudden movement startles kepa, but before he can digest his shock, you move to give him another kiss. deep and slow this time, taking your time to express your gratitude for what he’s done today silently, as well as giving kepa time to kiss you back.

and kiss you back he did.

“you’re the best, baby,” you say as you pull away, albeit with a heavy heart because kepa’s lips are very plump for his size and makes him more kissable and addicting than you’d like to admit. “what do i do without you, hmm?”

[russburlingame]

Meet Your Heroes, Kids.

I have always thought “never meet your heroes” was a terrible piece of advice. In my life and career, I have been lucky enough to meet a number of people whose work I greatly admire. I have only had really bad experiences once or twice, versus dozens of great experiences on the other side (and even a few lifelong friendships). Yesterday, my daughter was lucky enough to have a similar experience.

I had a day off yesterday, so Cali and I decided to surprise Samantha with a day trip to New Jersey to meet StacyPlays, an author and entertainer who Sammy calls her “favorite YouTuber.” Of all the (many) people Sammy follows on YouTube, Stacy has always been one of my favorites, too. She’s smart, creative, and makes art that brings something positive into the world. None of those things are necessarily de rigueur on social platforms.

Stacy has a new book out (I actually talked to her about it for my day job, in an article that should be up tomorrow!), and she’s doing a signing tour. When we saw there was an appearance less than 4 hours from Syracuse, we decided to make it happen for Sammy.

Sammy struggled in the run-up to the trip. She was very excited to meet Stacy, but also very nervous about the prospect of meeting her hero. I shared a story with her about the first time something like that happened to me, and how I was nervous, too. Sammy also gets car sick easily, so she was on edge more or less the entire trip about that.

We left very early, hoping to spend a little time in Paramus, because we didn’t want to be at the end of the line for StacyPlays. That was lucky, because about halfway there, our car died. Totally unexpected, not something we were prepared for, and Sammy was despondent. She was scared, and cold, and convinced that we were going to miss meeting Stacy.

I’ll spare the details – there are many. But the short version is, everything that could go right, did go right. A tow truck literally happened to be driving behind us when we pulled over. We got the last rental car reservation in the county. After about 90 minutes, we were back on the road.

Getting to the point of all this – StacyPlays is an absolute treasure of a human being.

When the signing happened, we were the second people in line (I told you we left early!). Stacy quickly read Sammy’s nervousness, and was working VERY hard to bring Sammy out of her shell. She was kind, attentive, and repeatedly tried to engage Sammy even though Sam was obviously feeling very intimidated.

We took some photos, and the first one is really emblematic of the moment, with Stacy smiling up at Sammy from her seat. I’m not sharing it, because nobody was posed yet, and so it isn’t the most flattering photo of Stacy – but it’s my favorite, because not only is Sammy beaming, but Stacy is radiating the same level of enthusiasm. She looks like she genuinely cares about this kid she just met, and she’s really happy to be taking a photo. It’s an incredibly kind and empathetic moment that I clocked in real time and captured (kind of) on camera.

After feeling nauseous most of the day, and being really stressed and scared when the car died and we were trapped two hours from home, Sammy told me last night that she had a good day, and that she was really glad she got to meet Stacy. Cali and I were struck by how incredibly lucky we got in a number of ways, and how great everyone was. I’m praising Stacy here because she’s a public figure and was incredible, but B&N manager Laura was also a rock star. A very long, very stressful day was made worth it by simple acts of kindness, including by Stacy.

I’ve gone to dozens of comic conventions, signings, and other events like this over the years. Most professionals are friendly and happy to spend a few minutes with you. The people who want to genuinely and empathetically engage are a lot more rare, and I think it’s worth celebrating them – especially when their audience is made up primarily of kids.

So, in short, meet your heroes, kids. And buy Stacy’s book if it sounds like your kind of thing. She deserves the love.

[abroadlifeactually]

A Quest for Survival: Hunting for Friends

Friends are the single most important thing you need to survive living abroad, and you need to make them fast.  Living abroad can be very isolating (doubly so if you’re a new mom), I imagine it contributes to why many people end up moving back to wherever they are from. Especially where I am, because there is NO small talk. It might be a cultural thing, or it might be that I’m a foreigner who probably doesn’t speak the language, I’d say it’s 90% the former. The introvert in me lives for the fact that I can just be in my head, chuckle at my podcast, and daydream uninterrupted. But on the other hand, it severely hinders your ability to meet people.

My friends and family are half a day away, so when we first moved, my husband was the only person here I could talk to. We were living in a hotel at the time, so whatever alone or privacy we got during covid was eradicated.  I was still breastfeeding, so I wasn’t all that motivated to leave the house, which meant the only people besides my husband I talked to, was our realtor, and an interpreter who took me to the Driver’s License Center to sign up for a driving test. Instantly, I became an oversharer. They both knew how I met my husband, anecdotes about my single life, and my breastfeeding schedule all within minutes of meeting me. I only met the interpreter once, I try not to think about what her impression of me must be because it makes me cringe. I ended up turning to Facebook…yes, Facebook.

Facebook is a really good resource for people in this situation. There are tons of Facebook groups that cater to different audiences, and I joined them all. Surprisingly enough, the Facebook groups were able to sustain me for a little while. I never posted anything, but my history as a long time lurker of various messageboards finally became useful, and kept me somewhat entertained. One thing I found interesting was that sometimes people would make posts looking for friends. I agonized over whether I should do something like that, but I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t good at making dating profiles, I realize this wasnt that, but it felt similar.  I’m not good at describing myself, and certainly not in writing. I don’t think I have a photogenic personality, if that makes sense, I think I just come accross better in person. So a post looking for friends was out, but I figured I would try to go to at least one social event advertised…I didn’t. To be fair, the social events I saw that seemed like they might be fun, also made me feel like I’d be the old b*th at the club. I had to find another way.

Making friends as an adult is hard. Most adults find friends at work, or through their kids, which applies in this situation as well. Since I don’t have a school age kid, and the only job I can easily get abroad is teaching (which was a non-starter), I had to increase my social media activity. I started following a bunch of instagram pages of groups, businesses and people in my area just in case there were opportunities to connect. A lot of the stuff I saw definitely catered to a younger crowd, which makes sense, since that would most likely be the crowd that would be able just up and move to this side of the world. Now don’t get me wrong, the fashion loving/ party girl in me would love an evening out, but 1, we didn’t have childcare which meant going alone which is something I hadn’t done in YEARS, and 2, the idea of anything remotely clubish exhausts me. My watch starts flashing that the noise decibels are too loud… and it is too loud. Those days for me are long gone.

Eventually, at the suggestion of my husband’s colleagues we joined a private social club. I realize that this sounds extremely privileged, but it’s a great landing place for families like mine, new to the area, that might not speak the language yet, or know how or where to find things they need. It softens what can feel like a crash landing, especially for kids and trailing spouses, as we’re called. They host lots of events and opportunities to meet other expats and locals, so we joined in the hopes we might meet some other couples. They also had in-house sitting services so on Fridays, my husband and I would go to the bar for happy hour. Except, the sitting service closed at 5pm, so we went at 3pm and left just before 5pm, missing any actual HH crowd or specials. We were often there basically alone. It was still nice just to get out of the house and have adult time. 

One Friday, after 5 months of extreme family bonding, we met who I can only describe as an angel. A brotha walked into the bar. In general I was happy to see him because we weren’t sure we’d meet any black people at the club when we joined. He immediately came right over and said hello, which was also shocking because up until that point any black folk we saw in passing would avert their eyes. My husband and I came up with a theory that, if we saw a black person and they smiled or acknowledged us, they must be tourists (that hypothesis hasn’t changed much). The heaven sent brotha chatted us up for a bit, and then he invited us to an event for Black families the following day. There we met what is now our family. It was such a sigh of relief. We met a few other black expat families that would be here for the same time frame. Our lives changed from that day on (we had also just found our apartment which felt like a miracle after a long hunt). Our friend group is amazing, we now spend holidays and vacations together, we celebrate each other’s wins and birthdays, and offer support however we can. They make living far away from home enjoyable. 

My advice to anyone moving abroad is to join as many facebook groups as you can. It truly is the best start to meeting people and getting answers. I’ve met other amazing people outside of my core group of friends since being here through facebook forums. Of course be active on all the other social media platforms, but don’t neglect Facebook.

[miqo-tales]

Jobs at 100 - MELEE

DRG

Still don't get why they replaced Spineshatter Dive, but whatever.

Removing the charge-up for Life of the Dragon took some getting used to, but I like it. That said, I don't understand why they kept Mirage Dive.

Like just upgrade Jump a second time or something? We could go from Jump to High Jump to Too High Jump.

DRG's rotation still feels really awkward to me. I wish they'd do one of two things: give DRG another high potency weaponskill to use with Life Surge, OR, remove something from the primary combos to tighten that up.

Hell, I'm not sure why we still have our DoT (they're removed nearly every other one, after all). Take that away and make the DRG combos work like WAR's.

LVL100 AF thoughts: I think my favorite? Tied with the original, at least. It's just a nice, simple looking set with a really nice helm.

************************************************

RPR

I guess the biggest change is Plentiful Harvest giving you a free Enshroud instead of giving you meter. I'm quite happy with it. One less thing to micro-manage.

It's a little tricky to fit Sacrificium in during Enshroud.

OK, now that I have that out of the way... I hate Soulsow and Harvest Moon.

Can we just get rid of Soulsow and put HM on a minute or two minute timer?

LVL100 AF thoughts: Honestly, I think overall I prefer the Endwalker AF. I mean, yes, I like the exposed chest, but I still prefer the Endwalker set. Though I really like the fur collar on the new one.

************************************************

MNK

It took me a bit to figure out the new job bar and how the buffs work. But once I realized it's like VPR in that it's leading you through your combo, it clicked.

Not to say I'm particularly good at it. I just understand it. I'll never be a good MNK, but I can at least be decent.

The new abilities are neat, but I'm tired of hearing the growl sound effect for Pouncing Coeurl.

Six-sided Star still feels weird. I think I understand when to actually use it, but god that cooldown is awful and ends up making it feel like I shouldn't be using it at all.

I hate Perfect Balance. I hate that the blitzes are linked to it. I really hate that!

PB should have gone away when they got rid of Greased Lightning. It didn't, and now we must suffer because of that.

LVL100 AF thoughts: Easily the best looking one so far. That said, I'm not happy with how the hands and feet dye. Also the weapon is kinda meh.

************************************************

SAM

The above picture could apply to a few jobs, to be honest, but it feels particularly true of SAM.

Getting Tsubame-Gaeshi all the time is neat.

Zanshin! Cause SAM clearly didn't have enough AoE.

Gyofu feels like they couldn't think of anything else new to give to SAM, so they real quick came up with an "upgrade" to Hakaze.

That might sound mean, but seriously, at 92 you get Gyofu, which is Hakaze with a new name, the same animation, and a minor potency boost. And then at 94, all your other attacks get potency boosts. It's kinda silly.

LVL100 AF thoughts: It's nice. Very formal/ceremonial. Still, I prefer the Endwalker one, and even then, the original Stormblood one is my favorite.

************************************************

NIN

I dunno how others feel, but I certainly will not miss having to keep Huton up. Changing it to an AoE Suiton is nice.

Trick Attack getting an upgrade to an AoE is very nice for dungeons.

This is not a new issue, but I wish NIN didn't have two different abilities that gave a chunk of gauge. Why can't Meisui give you a free use of Zeppo/Bhava, like RPR and VPR get with Plentiful Harvest and Serpent's Ire?

LVL100 AF thoughts: It's ok, but I think it's a bit busy with details. Also, I dunno, somehow it doesn't seem uniquely NIN to me. I feel it could easily be a general striking or scouting set. I prefer the Endwalker AF.

************************************************

VPR

This job is so boring below lvl 70. And even then it didn't really feel fun until 90.

Once you do get this job leveled up, it can be quite fun. You just never stop hitting buttons, and everything, particularly after Awakening, is so flashy.

But this job is the KOF XIII trial combo of FFXIV melee jobs.

My very major gripes with this job are: too much fucking text in job abilities, and it's really frustrating that the job gauge does not give any indication of whether your positional is flank or rear.

The upside is that once you're in the flow, it's pretty easy to stay in that flow. And worst case, if you don't care about optimizing it, you can just hit buttons and still have fun with it.

All that said, this job is a strong argument for there needing to be an easier way to use combat abilities in gpose.

Also, it's a little weird there is no cpose for the combined blade.

LVL100 AF thoughts: It's pretty nice! I hope we get some similar looking stuff for other jobs during this expansion.

************************************************

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Three, Part 6

"Cool. Did you go to school for it?" Adam asked leaning closer to me so I could hear them during another three-chord anthem.

"Not at all. Just worked my way up. What about you? You in school?"

"Yea, focusing on political sciences. Another useless degree."

I laughed slightly, "Aren't they all?"

"Just work?" I was wishing the conversation would die out, but it seemed he was determined to make small-talk, the worst kind of talk.

"Yeah. I decided not to go after a piece of paper degree."

"Fair enough.," Adam sad, and took a drink from his beer. He was an alright guy. At least from our small talk. Even so, it's the first time I'd actually talked to a stranger that isn't a clerk in quite some time, other than Addison. And she never felt like a stranger.

The next band had begun setting up. Another three piece with three chords. Just by looking at them, you could easily figure out they were either a hardcore band or some sub-genre of metal. I think they called themselves Fist of Slaughter or something stupid like that. I don't really remember; my eyes were continuing their quick stolen glances at Addison. I knew for sure now that she was doing the same.

I had finished my beer, and figured another one or two would be alright. I tapped Addison on the shoulder, pointed at my drink and pointed at her. Bar signing if she wanted another. She smiled and handed me her empty glass, mouthing the words thank you. I grinned back and headed to the traffic jam of a bar.

It took a few minutes for the bartender to get to me. I didn't blame him. It seemed every single person in that bar was getting a drink between the bands.

"High Life, Vodka-Red Bull." I said to the bartender when he cupped his ear towards me. He nodded and handed me both of them really quickly. Then he was off, on to the next customer. The guy could hustle. I laughed slightly, thinking of how Amber would handle this on her own.

I made my way back to the table Addison had put me at. As much as I disliked having to be social, I wasn't minding this that much. Adam seemed like an alright guy and Lily seems like she could be a serious kind of fun trouble, but in a wholesome heart felt way. Chaotic good, I guess.

And then there was Addison. A girl who officially grabbed my attention and was not letting go in the slightest. She was reeling in her catch, fast and tight. It was strange to me, but I wasn't fighting in any way. I was swimming with the pull. I wasn't running away from any actual idea of being interested in someone again. I wasn't running from the risk that I'll be destroyed again. She was something new. Something right. Something maybe even real. I really had no idea. All I know was that I liked her. Like an instant like. The only other person that had every happened was with Chad when we met in high school. And he's basically my life-partner.

The table had slightly changed. Lily was sitting next to Adam. I hadn't noticed, but they must have been a couple. They were holding hands now, and he kissed her cheek, lovingly. Almost as if they were some old couple that somehow lasted fifty years together.

Addison was sitting next to me. I handed her her drink and sat next to her. We watched the band for a few minutes, which was more than enough to tell you they were nothing special. Just generic hardcore. If I wanted to hear D.R.I or AFI's first album, I'd go listen to that. Still, they had the passion.

After the third 90 second song, Addison tapped my shoulder and mimed smoking a cigarette. I nodded gratefully. I needed a break from this one. Plus, a cigarette didn't seem like that bad of an idea. If anything, it meant I got one on one time with Addison again.

"Well, they kind of suck," I said, sitting down next to her on one of the wooden benches. There were only a few other people outside, and I recognized no faces. I lit my cigarette and held the lighter out to her to light her own.

"Thanks," she said, sitting back against the somewhat dry bench. "Yeah, they're not very good. I mean, at least I know Empty Playground is listenable."

[sortvaniliekrans]

I just wanted to ramble a little and say I really love your writing! I ramble, this ask may seem a little long, but it's all adoration I promise! Please don't be unnerved by the length!

I just found your fic "Pisces Caelestis" today and I caught up to your latest chapter. Honestly I was minutes away from being late to leaving for work, because I was that absorbed in your story and at that point I was only on chapter 8. If it wasn't for my work ethic, honest to the stars above, I would have called out to keep reading uninterrupted 😅 Of course, I couldn't put it down even when I got to work. (Night time security guard here lol) Between taking care of people and reading, the last few chapters took me about two and a half hours to get through. But honestly, I think I've been grinning like a doofus just about 90% of the time. I think the only ten percent left was when you tossed my heart to the fishies when the reader or boys became upset. Veeery good at giving my heart the good ol' squeeze like my heart is being strangled out of me. Very tasteful ✨👌

I love how you've been able to include the other FNAF characters in your story. And like I commented on AO3 the few chapters back, I loved the touch again to hinting at Chica's Latino heritage with the mention of her hair. Again, so many people I think. Play her off as occasion that the idea of it being different is just a stunner, and honestly I think she would look very cute with bleached blonde hair. And again, no way and heck did I expect her to be the crazy dog lady. How you incorporated "Cupcake" with her is just ✨golden✨ I haven't read many DCA fics, but I think this is the first one I've seen with Chica and her cupcake and I loved that touch. Also, I'm with the townspeople in shipping her with Roxy, they sound like an adorable pair together.

You've given our Superstar favorite dad Freddy his little boy which made me smile. I love to be exasperation from the readers playful jab/ threat to helping the boy get a hamster for class. He's a real sweetheart and his words of wisdom are much more appreciated than what YN was given as a child. I get the whole "why worry about it?" motif, but to a child they need better ways to cope. To understand their feelings and when young (especially when young actually) I think it's important for someone to be heard. YN getting that now from Freddy is heartwarming. He really shows attentiveness and makes me wonder if he knew YN when they were younger. Maybe not knowing the full picture of what their life was like as a child. But when you see a child neglected or misbehaved, I know people could probably wish that they could give words of advice. But not wanting to step on a parent's toes just, can't. To think he's wanting to give YN what they couldn't have when younger is really heartwarming, you really show he gives the best advice and hugs. And sometimes a hug or just a willingness to listen as all a person needs. You did really great showing that ❤️

Hearing Roxy have scars and a partial disability was appreciated. You didn't play down her blindness or scars, in actuality you showed that people could be proud for what they've lived through. She doesn't let people minimize her experience and doesn't let her past make up her current personality. And no way are her feelings for Chica just a crush If she's willing to face her trauma of being around six dogs just to see (her crush/girlfriend/ future wife-y) Chica. But dang is that some intense exposure therapy, that's gotta be a bit emotionally taxing. I hope if/when she has the courage to tell Chica about it that it goes well. She doesn't wanna jar Chica or maybe make her feel guilty, and she's obviously doing great if they're spending time together. Unless, when reader had reached out to Chica to get Roxy's number, she was at Roxy's house instead of Chica's. Either way, I hope both girls figure it out.

And Monty? Being a rebel? Who is surprised, but it still makes me smile. I'm curious if he kept the sea glass YN found to trade. Like in a drawer or something. Even when someone seems like a rebel, I feel like for most people if a child gets attached to you and gives you items even if for trade, you still try and hold on to them because I think it would make someone smile when they look back on it. I wouldn't blame him if he got rid of the sea glass, but at the same time I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere in his house or around his house he had it. And it makes me smile at the thought of it. I'm curious about when he'll pop up again in the story. Would he'll have a bigger frame like security breach Monty, or if he would be more on the linky side. I could see him riding dirt bikes, yet can still find a way to make it rebellious. Even if the town turns a blind eye, it still made me laugh.

I relate to your YN greatly~ When are chores ever fun? Their independence is evident and I think a lotta people can relate to ✨emotional constipation✨ As YN was getting gifts and feeling bad a little bad at the idea that the boys were feeling pressured to give. I was already thinking just give them something in return like an exchange. When they finally did it, it made me laugh and say "Finally! So glad they figured that out!" aloud, and it made me glad I live alone because that would have been embarrassing for someone else to overhear. Only to hear that frustrated Moon, I felt bad, But how are we to know if they didn't tell? I'm glad Sun continued because he was happy seeing YN smile. YN also did better with the shirt slashing in the latest chapter. I think I'd still be deep/close to a PTSD that if he slashed his claws at me I'd probably be fighting emotional/mental barriers that would have gone up in feeling further unwanted. They really do need time to recover. I'm glad they know instinctually their reactions are valid, but their fortitude to press on to keep from stunting themselves or losing precious new seafriends is admirable.

It was rude of Moon to try and (kinda) traumatize Sun for what they had done. I mean, valid, in a way they care for YN enough to where he feels the only logical reaction would be to give them space/ keep them safe from them. But I'm glad/hopeful YN's reaction to Moon literally in a way wagging his finger in their face, showed they can stand on their own/aren't made of glass. His lisp is adorable and I think it would be hard to not just want to hear him talk to hear it again. Being scolded by Sun for emotionally hurting YN was needed. But still a hilarious mental image of Sun wrangling Moon if it meant helping clear up the misunderstanding and help YN be happy again.

And Sun, stars above, Sun. Can he get any more precious (not meant to be a challenge! Cause the stars above know how many times you made my heart melt into a puddle from him)? He's playful, he teases, he understood exaggerating expressions and his delight knowing that playfulness got YN to laugh was just too precious to read. I think I had to reread those chapters about three or four times before I could will myself to move on and keep reading. Sweetest fish, I think I was rolling on my couch a few times when he was just being a sweetpea. He shared his blueberries with YN, he grasped what coins/money was in hopes it would help YN. Also wondering if he understands the value of gold? He didn't just give a single coin, and Having already discussed the value of gold corns with my mom a couple months back. He has an older currency, probably more pure and just being older is something. No kidding that he literally helped provide. His pet names are precious and he just seems so stupidly sweet that repeatedly I wanted to hug him. You made a precious boy and each time there has been fluff you've made my heart melt. I'm so glad YN and the boys are starting to interact, You probably have an idea about it, but I'm still going to say it is such a relief when they finally got to speak to each other/ start to interact. Rocky star with Moon, but I'm glad Sun took things in stride when YN opened up to explaining their insecurities involving Moon. To help mediate and translate, to grasp when YN needed help being grounded and helped give emotional support from the physical contact. So so so so stupidly precious that I was repeatedly at a loss for words.

I loves all of this. My dejected exclamation in finding out I got caught up felt/ was to be expected. Your writing was so great, I really really loved all of this. I'm so glad I found your work and I look forward to how it progresses. You just moved into your own home (CONGRATS! 🎊) So I hope you give yourself a break, take things and stride. Try not to face burnout, It's okay if you have days where you don't do anything. Sometimes just getting to tomorrow is enough. Thank you again for your time (sorry for rambling a bit) and I hope you have a good rest of your day. May creativity and inspiration stay by your side ❤️

AAAAAAAAAAAAA thank you this is so nice I wanna print it out and eat it 💜💜💜

[rocksaltandroll]

So, I feel like it’s Unpopular Opinion Time about GO2. I’ve been thinking about it since I watched it and…well…I hate it, lads. I really wanted to love it, but…

Well, here are my Reasons:

I first read Good Omens in probably 2003. It was a friend’s copy and I finished it & immediately went & bought my own. I loved it.

I was so scared to watch it when Good Omens (1) first came out. I thought the casting was all wrong. I was worried they would butcher one of my favourite books of all time.

I was so glad to be wrong. I loved everything about it. The casting was actually perfect, I was okay with the changes, and I absolutely adored that cold open! Hell I even wrote a whole 135k 1941 spy romance fic based on that 5 minute scene in the church!

And then I heard they were making GO2 and I was scared again.

I knew that T&N had batted ideas for a sequel about years ago, but nothing had come to fruition. This time it would all be Gaiman. I’ve never made it through a single Gaiman book but I’ve read most of Pratchett’s. I was worried.

But I watched it. And the more I watched, the more I disliked it and by the end, I honestly hated it.

The first thing: all of the fun & funny, all the favourite lines and things that made you giggle in the OG GO? 90% of those were Pratchettisms. S2 was severely lacking in Pratchettisms.

The second: Plot? What plot?

I mean, if you set aside the mini episodes inside the main episodes (those mini episodes are a whole other problem all by themselves), what exactly have we got?

The Archangels are plotting. Gabriel disagreed with what they were plotting and he’s walked out, memoryless, naked with an empty box & turns up at Aziraphale’s.

A&C aren’t getting on. For some reason. At the end of S1 they were honestly ready to get married & have babies, and now Crowley is living in his car because his flat is apparently Company Property and he’s been evicted. I still don’t understand why they’re not getting on.

So both heaven & hell are looking for Gabe, and A&C are trying to hide him while they figure out what’s going on.

Except they don’t. S1 they figured out things, they pieced things together, they investigated.

S2 they spent the whole time trying to play matchmaker for Nina & Maggie, and despite having been on Earth for 6000 years, seem to have zero idea about human mating rituals.

It’s literally only at the end when Gabe gets his memory back that he TELLS them he left because he disagrees with triggering the second coming & want to run off with Beelzebub which, to me, is like Gaiman took a nose dive into the GO tumblr tags and went ‘aha! people have started shipping this! let’s make the masses giggle!’

On top of this, in what life would our Aziraphale - the angel who isn’t really an angel anymore, the hedonist, the guy who literally looked heaven in the face and said Buggere Alle This For a Larke and went off to find his friend and stop Armageddon - in what life would he think ‘ooh the metatron is giving me a promotion to start the second coming, let’s grab Crowley and we can turn him back into an angel!’????

No. He’s already made the decision that Heaven is Wrong. Heaven isn’t Good. He & Crowley have already decided at the end of S1 that they’re on their own side - the HUMAN side - and there’s no way Aziraphale is naive enough to think he can change anyone’s mind Up There.

And that kiss. God that made me so uncomfortable. It wasn’t heartbreaking to me, it was just uncomfortable and wrong.

As for those mini episodes. I’m honestly not sure what I can say about those. They bored the shit out of me & served little purpose to the ‘main plot’. They saw everyone loved the cold open and just thought ‘what chaos can we cause putting these two in various historical costumes this time?’

Im not in this to analyse every single thing, I’m not in it for the meta, I’m in this for the story. And to me, this was a seriously disappointing story.

I did like Nina & Maggie but I didn’t like how their story was handled. I also enjoyed how all the shopkeepers in Whickber Street were all convinced that stuffy & fluffy Mr Fell had himself a hot redhead vintage car enthusiast boyfriend, but that’s about all I really enjoyed from the whole thing.

I hate that I hate it. I really wanted to love it, especially since I see the vast majority of you loving it. I wanted to join in the froth. I hoped it would reignite my desire to write.

Alas.

Thus ends my unpopular opinion.

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2016 75 days until I call Stacey. I decided to just see what happens and then make a decision based on how I feel at the time. Just because someone puts out clear and obvious signals doesn’t mean they plan to act on them or become a home-wrecker. Getting together every now and then wouldn’t be “wrecking” anything as long as nothing “serious” happened, though I still think if I see her again it’ll be at her office.

A couple of mornings ago at 8:30, right as I was getting ready to crash, I saw Bob come out with a ladder in front of his place, presumably to trim trees. I was surprised (and a bit worried) since it was only 39° out. He didn’t wake me up, though.

Looking forward to finally receiving my bath bombs tomorrow, which accidentally got sent to the wrong place. These are supposed to be the size of tennis balls instead of golf balls.

Decided I just wasn’t all that into my voice blog so I made it a text blog. I’m not going to post daily entries there, but just use it as another place to store my yearly life updates instead.

I dreamed that Jesse owned a large rooming house in which we were renting a room. Tom was sitting on either a bed or a couch watching TV when I stepped up to the room’s only window and looked down from the upper floor we were on. Jesse lived next door and parked between the buildings.

“Only that black car is down there with its ass sticking up,” I said to Tom, referring to how the back of the car stuck up in the air.

“I want to go visit my old room next door,” I then said, and headed into a small dark room with bunk beds. I sat on the bottom bunk and remembered that the last time we were there, things were rough for us and I was miserably depressed. I remember how I sat on the bed crying for hours at a time.

My bean/veggie diet has totally lost its magic as far as keeping the hunger away. I had half a bag of veggies, 3 slices of cinnamon bread, a cup of rice, a bowl of soup, and a bag of Cheetos, yet I’m STILL hungry! :( If this is PMS can I just get my fucking period now? It’s horrible. I just CANNOT get rid of my hunger no matter how much I eat.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2016 Burke’s lucky he’s a good rat because if he was anything less than that I would have just beaten the shit out of him. I let him out and he was super wound up and playful and he nipped the shit out of my pinky. His teeth sliced the side of it and it took me a few minutes to stop the bleeding. I had to sneak into Tom’s bathroom to get a Band-Aid. Good thing he’s a heavy sleeper. The fucking thing is stinging like hell now.

The kitchen floor tiles arrived today and are absolutely beautiful. You never can really know for sure when you’re looking at a picture of something on a computer. I hope the laundry room tiles will look just as nice when they arrive.

Had some spotting. :-( That explains why I had light cramps earlier. Tom even thinks I look a little watery.

As I learned, if it’s too good to be true, it’s not true. I gained one of the 4 pounds back that I lost, though I figured I would sooner or later, and soon I might have another period. Let me guess… nothing’s going to happen with Stacey either, even if more than a part of me agrees it would be much easier if it didn’t.

The weather’s been horribly cold and it could freeze tonight. The outer corners of the living room get warmer in the summer and colder in the winter. My desk is in one of those corners, and so I pulled out the old portable heater we got up in Oregon to bring extra warmth to that area. We have an even older one that we got in the 90s in Arizona, but that one’s going out with the next bulk trash pickup.

The Twenties’ place looks really nice with all their bright colorful Christmas lights. I still say it’s a little early, though. I mean come on, it’s not even December yet. Even so, I’d like to be out admiring the different lights, yet it’s way too cold to be working out outdoors.

Signed up on Blogger for AdSense, but I don’t think I’ll really make any money with it. Not as many people know about my blog there, and Blogger’s pretty dead, so we’ll see. It’s not fully set up yet.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2016 Damn the person(s) responsible for inventing religion and brainwashing people with the God fantasy. Yeah, another Muslim refugee we so stupidly allowed into this country because it’s “politically correct” and we must, must, must have a bleeding heart for despite their unworthiness it, tried to go on a killing spree at OSU. Well, my damn good cyber friend Christine works there and I can just imagine how terrified she must have been!

As long as this country is going to remain too stupid and too ignorant to the fact that yes, some groups of people truly are more dangerous, delusional and irrational than others just like with some groups of animals, then we’re going to continue to put ourselves in danger by allowing these little fucks to terrorize us.

So obsessed with political correctness are people that they have lost all traces of common sense. Pretty sad if you ask me. What’s next? Lavishing all the love in the world on rapists and child molesters? Will it soon be politically incorrect to point out how dangerous they are as well? Will we be considered “haters” for bashing those perverts?

Man, I’m just so sick of some people’s shit in this world. People who think they were born to kill in the name of an imaginary God that doesn’t even exist. People who feel they need to use their race against others no matter how many lives they ruin in the process. People who enable, allow and encourage these people to wreak the havoc on society that they do.

Just wondering how many more people have to die or come close to it before something is done to keep these savage beasts out of this country. These people are taught to go out and kill as many people as they can that isn’t a carbon copy of themselves as soon as they’re old enough to understand. Is this what we really want to be “politically correct” over and invite into our country?

Let them kill each other instead, and if their cities are no longer habitable after they get done, that should be their problem and not ours. Why should we be responsible for picking up the pieces of death and destruction? It’s like being made to pick up the pieces of a puzzle that some spoiled brat got frustrated with and flung all over the floor. Let those who make their own damn beds lie in them!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2016 Incredibly, I’m still losing weight. I’ve now lost 4.2 pounds since the first. That’s HUGE for an older woman with Hashimoto’s. It’s going very slowly, but what’s the hurry anyway? Losing 1-2 pounds a week is reasonable. I just wish my medication wasn’t dampening some of the excitement, but I intend to discuss it with Dr. A next month.

Tom dyed my hair yesterday and this time we used a much cheaper dye. L’Oreal’s Colorsilk. It’s a little lighter and I don’t expect it to last as long as John Freida’s, but I like it better because it doesn’t stink nearly as bad and my hair doesn’t feel as fried.

So while our robot is the designated vacuum-er, and I’m the designated floor mopper, Tom is the designated carpet cleaner. It took two hours to do our giant living room, but he cleaned until he ran out of cleaning solution. It takes forever but it’s worth it since it’s something he’ll only do every six months or so. The carpet he’s done looks brand new.

All that’s left is the dining room, hallway and bedrooms. The filthiest spots are definitely by the computers, the rats’ cage, the front door, and the section of hallway between the kitchen and laundry room.

It’s been raining all day and night, and I heard one of my older, bigger wind chimes fall down in the carport. I think we got that one after we moved here, but what’s amazing is the medium-sized one in front that sounds the best. I’ve had this one for about a dozen years now and it’s still going strong!!!

Later…

And now I’m down 4.4 pounds! I went from 154.4 to 150.0. Now if only my hip and ear would stop driving me crazy!

We took our cactus plant out of the small pot it was in and replanted it in a large pot that was left here.

The four days he had off were both productive and relaxing.

It was mostly sunny all day but now it’s raining again. I can’t believe all the rain we’ve gotten so far this year. I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t go out walking. It’s too cold now anyway.

I was bad again, messing with Kim and Aly on NaNoWriMo after Aly changed links there. Sometimes you just gotta have a little fun, I guess. Found her by searching “Nebraska” and “nanny.” Her location and part of her bio. Kind of funny how dumb she is at times, but maybe she wants to be found. I used to notice in the past how she’d made herself rather obvious when changing names to avoid Molly. If not, every genius is entitled to a blond moment here and there. :-)

Pretty funny how Aly is afraid of Kim. When she pisses her off by leaving her hanging, she’s afraid to confront her directly and risk getting her ass dumped and then stalked shitless for years, so she dances around the subject in an indirect tweet about how rude she is.

Sadly, however, I doubt Kim will dump her given how long they’ve been friends now. I also get the feeling that they don’t have anyone else, so being the perfect twisted match that they are, I just can’t see them dumping on each other as much as I wish they would. Seriously… if Aly’s my karma for dumping Andy, then who’s her karma for dumping me? Oh, wait! It’s perfectly okay to dump me or wrong me in any way. I forget at times that people are exempt when it comes to me.

Had some very weird, long, detailed and negative dreams. In one dream I was in some crackhouse for some reason. I was excitedly trying to tell this girl in her 20s (Hispanic?) about how I tried Atkins, Nutrisystem, and other diets just to get nowhere until I went vegan.

The girl, clearly very pregnant, didn’t appear to be paying attention to me as another girl injected her with some drug.

That’s when I told myself not to bother with her. She was too young for a friend, too fucked up, and she was an obvious druggie. Plus I didn’t want to be friends with anyone with babies or toddlers.

I turned to leave, apparently on an upper floor. I walked down a long narrow hallway, heading for the stairs, just as a black cop came up the stairs and passed me.

“There are a lot of druggies in there,” I told him.

He started to enter one of the rooms.

“No, the next room,” I said.

“Oh,” he said, backing out of it as I hurried downstairs and out of the old dilapidated house. I crossed the lawn and hoped that no one would consider me a snitch and want to kill me for it.

In the next dream, I might have been talking to my mother. I entered a restaurant and approached what seemed like an older woman that I’m pretty sure was her, sitting at the counter on the stool. I had been accused of murdering some girl. I don’t know if I was just a suspect in an investigation, or if I was out on bail.

“Don’t ask me any questions,” my mother said sharply as soon as I approached her.

This really pissed me off and I stormed out of the restaurant and off to I’m not sure where. Wherever I went, I threw an ashtray full of cigarette butts on the floor. I then picked up the mess moments later.

Next, I returned to the restaurant where my mother was now sitting at a small table for two. I sat down across from her and insisted that I had nothing to do with killing the girl.

“When I was charged with prank phone calls, I was guilty of that. But I have nothing to do with this case. I don’t know this girl. I’ve never seen her. I’ve never talked to her and I have no idea who killed her.”

I turned away for a second and when I looked back at my mother she had tears in her eyes. “My God,” she said, “you really are innocent.��

Then I asked her if she was surprised about how she ended up back with my father, not that they ever separated in real life, of course.

The dream ended with one of us saying something about playing amateur sleuth and trying to find the real killer.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2016 The weather has turned cold and wintry. The afternoons usually aren’t that bad, but today it was one of those days where it just never warmed up. I’m just so glad it doesn’t snow here, though it wouldn’t be impossible. I’m in my one-piece fleece pajamas. This weather is ideal for sleeping, working out and keeping the motorcycles at bay, but I do miss the warmth.

I probably won’t be running outdoors much for the next few months and will just use the skier inside instead. Plus I still have my hip injury that doesn’t seem to want to heal.

My new gold chain fashion belt arrived and fits well, though it’s surprisingly heavy. I also got my black shirt with the cutout ¾ sleeves and it fits well, too.

Got some things done around the house today. Tom cleaned the carpet around my desk before I got up. The thing works great and it only takes a couple of hours to dry. He said the water was clear when he was doing sections along the wall, but under my chair it was black. I don’t doubt it. I’ve spilled some food and drink over the last 2.5 years.

We asked Alexa what her daily deals were, and Tom was strong enough to say “no” to the white chocolate truffles and the 5-pound Hershey’s candy bar. A 5-pound candy bar… that’s disgusting. Delicious but disgusting. No wonder there’s so much obesity in this country, haha.

I’m still losing weight since going vegan, but very slowly. I’m going to see if I can eventually coax him into the same health kick I’ve been on.

I started dusting cobwebs off the ceilings, which was raining popcorn all over the place. Damn these popcorn ceilings! I miss smoothies.

I did the laundry and switched out the light blanket for the down comforter. Hopefully, it won’t give me the hot flashes from hell, but if it does I’ll just switch back.

I’ve got about 17 more days to my appointment and to hope I don’t get a period. That’ll make 3 months!

I have felt so good physically and emotionally and I absolutely refuse to let the doctor give me any more meds no matter what the numbers end up saying.

The year was off to a shaky start, but I think that 2016 has been one of the best years of our lives.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2016 Another Thanksgiving with nowhere to go. A part of me is sad about that, but it is what it is. I just wonder if Marjorie ever thinks about the son she dumped who was too “needy” and too far away to be worth bothering with. That a mother could cast aside her own son seemingly without a shred of guilt after all he did for her when we lived near her is just abominable. Just totally and utterly appalling. I don’t doubt for a minute that she’s as guiltless as a rock on the beach or else she would have Mary and Dave contact us if she couldn’t do it herself.

Her choice. Her loss.

I had a dream I was at Tammy’s, and Lisa was there. First I hugged Sarah and then I guess I was smoking again because I lit a cigarette. Then someone gave me a letter Lisa had written for me. I suspected she wanted to play kiss and makeup by the way she looked at me from across the room.

I began walking through another room and she was suddenly walking alongside me. I pretended not to notice her because I didn’t want to consider talking to her until I read the letter. I noticed she appeared to be slim.

In reality, I don’t want anything to do with her any more than I want anything to do with aunts, uncles, and cousins I’m not connected to on Facebook. Once you’re out of my life, no matter if I dumped you or you’re the one who dumped me, that’s the way it stays. Period. Almost every time I’ve given people a second chance it’s backfired on me and I only end up kicking myself for it and wishing I never bothered.

I realize I’m pretty normal being as unforgiving as I am. I hear people preach about forgiveness all the time yet I don’t see them putting their actions where their mouths are very often. Well, “normal” or a genuine ice princess, I am the way I am with zero apologies, and I do what works best for me.

Life is still great otherwise. :-) We’re having a nice relaxing day and enjoying a break from our regular responsibilities. It’s nice to be lazy every now and then and just do what we want and nothing that we absolutely have to do.

We tried out the carpet cleaner by doing just a square patch of carpet in front of the rats’ cage and it looks beautiful. I was worried at first that the cleaning solution would smell too chemical-like, but it actually smells good. It’s amazing how much dirt came out of that one section. That’s why the next place is going to have mostly floors in which we’ll just get a robot mop like we have a robot vacuum.

Although I don’t expect to hear any landscaping today, I do expect to hear a lot of car door slamming. You know my neighbors can never go anywhere for the holidays and that everybody has to come to them. I hope I sleep through Christmas!

As expected, the assholes turned our water off for an hour yesterday.

We got a ton of packages yesterday. The strapless bra and the tank tops fit great, but the skirt, as gorgeous as it is, is way too long. I will have to wear it as a tube dress, which it says you can do.

That was a hell of a deal on the tanks. I thought they might be thin flimsy crap for the price, but nope. You can wear them to bed or you could wear them outdoors. I love all the colors, too. A dozen good-quality tank tops for $23 is a sweet deal.

Really loving shopping for groceries online. The Walmart site is slow but simple. It’s very easy to use. I just wish they would add nutrition labels to the products. I love how it keeps track of what we’ve ordered so I can kick things out of the ‘favorites’ that I try and decide I don’t like.

They gave us a goody bag with some nice samples. I didn’t care for the snacks (thank goodness for rats and husbands, LOL), but I like the Crest tooth whitening strips, the L’Oreal hair system samples, and the full-size tube of Vaseline lotion. Figures I just had to go and buy lotion right before I got this, haha, but I can never have too much. It will all eventually get used.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2016 I think I’ll just bullet today’s entry.

I had 1600 cals yesterday so my weight is the same… 150.6.

The LUX light is a complete waste of money.

Two days ago I had a strange stomach flu for 4-5 hours. It started with sharp cramps in my upper stomach. Then I had intermittent nausea.

Slept better last night but that could be because I took a lorazepam for the first time in a while after being up 18 hours.

I don’t remember a single dream.

UPS arrived at 9:30 with our carpet cleaner, goodies for Tom, and a few goodies for me.

Jasmine and her blonde buddy look great in their new pants and tops.

I now have a nice clean glass dish for my wax fragrance warmer. A tiny hole burned through the center of the other one as it got old and yucky, dribbling wax onto the bulb.

My early birthday present from Tom, a glass rainbow wind chime, is gorgeous and I love the sound of it. Now we just need some wind to go with it.

My new dress (black with a jagged chiffon hemline) is more like a tunic and looks great with my blue tights.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2016 Stacey. Losing weight. Possibly being done with periods. Help with my sleep disorder.

Is it just me or do things seem a little too good to be true lately? I’ve now lost 4 pounds, though I’m kind of doubtful about the light therapy.

I slept horribly, constantly waking up, and I’ve decided to take a few days off from the new allergy nasal spray I started to make sure that that’s not affecting my sleep in any way. I doubt it is, though. I seem to be having longer, more detailed dreams, too.

I’m going to give it a little more time, but the light therapy seems like it’s going to be a bust since I got up 1.5 hours later today, which is typical. One of the times I woke up I didn’t think I would be able to fall back asleep, so maybe I would have gotten up sooner had I slept better.

I had a two-part dream that took place at Valleyhead, even though the place looked different. Several students and even that evil Donna were there. At first everybody slept on double beds (two to a bed) in a large dorm.

One of the girls complained to Donna that they were unable to sleep with their assigned bedmates because they kept them up all night.

“You’re going to have to find two people who would be able to sleep with each other and take one of their places,” I said, not caring what Donna thought of my suggestion.

In the next scene, I was going through my clothes and realized that I needed to do laundry because I was running out of underwear. Yet every time I thought I found the opportunity to do it, something would come up, keeping me so busy I barely had time to breathe.

I woke up for a while and then when I fell back asleep I was able to get that laundry done, LOL, that I was scrambling to do in the previous dream. The laundry room was downstairs in the basement. There were three washers on one wall and three dryers on another wall. I had been waiting for a machine to become available before I realized that I was waiting for nothing because it was a dryer when I needed a washer.

Then I went upstairs and I was moving some things out of one room and into another (I guess now we were in rooms instead of dorms). As some girl was leaving the room I was moving things into, I explained to her that I wanted to put the stuff there because I would probably be in that room soon enough.

She smiled and said that was exciting.

Then on another day within the same dream, I fell asleep intending to take a short nap, but ended up sleeping all day and didn’t get up until 3 PM. I realized I would need to go to sleep when “school” started in the morning, and I awoke from the dream as I was trying to decide if I should attend class or just skip it and hope they didn’t notice my absence.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2016 “HA! HA! HA! HA!” said the ducks at the lake when I passed by the adorable Chihuahua in the pink frilly coat.

I was only out for 15 minutes because my hands froze. I don’t know why I didn’t take my gloves. It’s cold and foggy out there. I’ll make up the remaining 15 minutes on the skier.

For a few minutes after returning indoors, my left hand did this strange vibration that wasn’t visible but that I could feel. I can imagine my reaction to that one if I were on a little more levothyroxine and hadn’t been EMDRd.

Unfortunately, the kind of drug I’m on has me as worried about losing weight as I am excited. The difference between being beneficial and helpful versus being tormented both physically and emotionally is just a few micrograms and probably only a 20-pound loss in my case because I’m short. As he assured me, however, they test my levels often enough that I should have plenty of warning if I’m heading to a bad place.

I see Dr. A on the 13th. Hopefully, I will be able to tell her that my last period was right before I last saw her three months ago. Yes, I’m breaking records and I could very well be done with that. It’s still too soon to say for sure whether or not I will once again visit Bleederville, but either way, how many more periods could I possibly have?

Oh, great. Now the scammers know about my Gmail address and are spamming the shit out of that account in addition to my Hotmail and mail.com accounts. Makes me wonder if anyone I know is behind it. Would anyone really take the time to sign someone up for a bunch of shit or give their address to these shitsters?

He doesn’t think anyone I know is behind it. As he said, all it takes is one site being hacked.

The full-spectrum light therapy is off to a good start. Maybe a little too good, although the nightmare I had is why I woke up a little early. It’s way too soon to know for sure. There have been times when I would get up at the same time for three or four days in a row. If I were able to get up at the same time for a whole week, then I would think yeah, maybe we were onto something here. I might not use it for a few days if that’s the case because 4 AM is a little earlier than I would like to be getting up at. 6 AM is more reasonable. I would prefer to sleep 10 PM to 6 AM rather than 8 PM to 4 AM. I just got an early head start because I ran out of patience waiting to try it.

The one and only thing I would hate if I were always on days would be having to listen to landscaping and traffic every single day unless it was raining. The rain doesn’t always save me from that shit either.

I’m also going to hit the Bowflex and clean both bedrooms and bathrooms today. I did the laundry room last night. Tomorrow I’ll do the kitchen, dining and living room.

I got a brush made for ceiling fans when we were at Lowe’s.

We saw some robotic fish while we were at Target and joked about throwing them in the pool. That would really make the old folks wonder just how senile they were getting!

We decided to go ahead and do our huge Amazon order now rather than wait until early next month. This way we avoid the holiday rush.

He got several electronic parts/gadgets, plus I ordered a couple of boxes of the protein cookies I’ve been having on this diet in a couple of flavors I haven’t tried yet… peanut butter and birthday cake.

We got the flooring tiles and the carpet cleaner, plus I ordered a replacement dish for my wax fragrance warmer, and a new hammock/tent for the rats.

For fun things, I have about 10 things on the way, one of which is coming today. That would be my black dress with an asymmetrical hem. I will also be receiving the following list:

A glass rainbow wind chime

A rainbow sweatshirt

A beige strapless bra

A 12-pack of tank tops, each in a different color

A black long-sleeve shirt in which part of the sleeve is cut out

A gold chain belt

A floral skirt with a feather on the end of a ribbon

An assortment of 10 different bath bombs

Two tops and two pairs of pants for my 18” dolls.

In last night’s nightmare, I dreamed I was staying in some cabin in the woods with three or four other people. I guess there was a main cabin that we all met up in, but we would sleep in individual cabins that were nearby. Word was out that a killer was on the loose. On our first night there, one woman who seemed fairly youngish was a little worried about heading to her cabin alone. I told her I would watch her from the door. Her cabin was about 100 feet away, but by the time she got barely 50 feet away, a man jumped out of the shadows and started stabbing her. I opened my mouth to scream for help and for someone to call the cops, but no sound would come out as I awoke.

In another dream, my sister called to tell me she won a karaoke contest. LOL, no chance. She hates to sing. I used to win these things in the early 90s. Too bad I hadn’t yet quit smoking as I probably could have won even more.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2016 Those brown butter rum cookies were so good! Amazingly, I didn’t go up the pound I expected to go up taking a day off from my diet like I did. Instead, I went up just 2/10 of a pound. Been back on track today and didn’t get any treats at the store.

I began light therapy this morning even though I’m still getting up pretty early, and even though I don’t see how a simple light could help much. But I’ve been surprised in the past and so we’ll see if I’m surprised again.

The cheap shiny silver faucet I stupidly picked out for the master bathroom not long after we moved in here sprung a leak yesterday. A part of me is glad because no matter how much I would clean the damn thing, it would always have these white spots on it. So this morning we went to Lowe’s and I picked out a less shiny nickel-finished faucet that’s quite beautiful. It doesn’t have a single lever but it’s very stylish, way better quality, and it goes well in there. This faucet is a little higher and that should make rinsing my mouth when brushing my teeth easier. It cost $100.

Some other time we’ll replace the drain. The drains in both the sinks look kind of old and gross.

Our second stop was at Target to use a coupon for $5 off $25 worth of stuff. However, there was a hidden catch and the stuff we got didn’t qualify. As he said, this is why we don’t get their rewards card; because there are always hidden catches that weren’t advertised. I do like their store, though. They have a good selection, and for once the store was pretty dead, so we got to shop in peace.

I got a couple of necklaces that are unique to anything I’ve ever had before. One is a 3 in 1 where it has 3 gold chains of different lengths, each with a different color gemstone. The smallest one on top is clear. The medium-sized one in the middle is magenta, and then the largest one on the bottom is what I would describe as “cloudy” pink.

The other necklace is a very long strand of blue beads with little tassels on the ends. You can either wear it as a scarf or tie it in a knot in front.

Grabbed a bag of Birthday Cake bath bombs, and the cutest, most comfortable pair of slippers I ever had. Pretty sure they’re girls’ slippers. They’re pink and blue furry slippers with a scattering of shiny firs and they go a few inches above the ankles. I kind of wish I had boots like these. Initially I wanted something convenient that I could quickly step in and out of, but when I saw these I said screw convenience. They were just too adorable to pass up.

They did a good job with the groceries that we ordered online and we’re thinking this is what we’ll probably do for the most part. There was only one thing missing that they substituted for.

I’m going to order some of the protein cookies that I’ve been having online because it’s cheaper that way. Meanwhile… no meat until after the labs at the beginning of next month.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2016 I’ve been alive for 18,600 days. That’s what Alexa just told me. She also told me that there are 87 days until Valentine’s Day. I can’t wait! thinks of Stacey and smiles

So now the Trumpster is whining about his sidekick getting booed, and demanding an apology. Oh, but he has no apology for the women he sexually abused, right? Seriously if these two can’t handle those who can’t stand them, then why don’t they just resign?

This cold rainy day is passing too slowly. This is the last Saturday in a while that DH should have to work. He should be home around 1:00. We ordered groceries from Walmart for the first time and he will be picking them up on the way home.

I’ve lost 3 pounds since turning 80% of my diet into vegetables. I have pretty much cut out meat completely, but not for forever. Forever is just too long. I’m sure I’ll have both meat and sweets on weekends. It’s just too close to lab time for me to be having any cholesterol right now. I’m not even eating fish, which doesn’t have as much cholesterol as beef does.

My sweet treat this weekend is going to be something new to try that I stumbled upon while shopping… Pepperidge Farm brown butter rum cookies.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2016 Was today another noisy day? Well, of course it was. Landscaping here, landscaping there… landscaping everywhere, every single fucking day.

I kind of wish it was bedtime now because I’m bored. I’m at that point in my day where I’m no longer awake enough to do anything productive, but I’m not tired enough to fall asleep yet either.

Instead, I’m sitting here wondering why my joints are so stiff. This time it’s my other hip and I have a little stiffness in my lower right back.

I’m also sitting here thinking of how it’s almost always been me that initiated friendships and relationships and even just casual conversations be it online or offline, and how that gets to me at times. It just bothers me that not as many people have cared to seek me out as much as I cared to seek them, even if it’s just to say hello.

But then I realized that hey, maybe this is just the one way I was meant to be a leader in life. For some reason, I have been “designated” to be the one to make the first move, even if I don’t always get very far. I’m not sure I like that any more than I like the idea of being a follower. I’ve never had any desire to be a leader in life or a follower, though I’ve been forced to be a follower many times by circumstances beyond my control.

Seriously, I was obviously meant to be a real leader in this way for whatever reason, plus I also realize that not everybody cares enough to remember names like I do, nor do they have the ability to if they did. Furthermore, they probably don’t have nearly 30 year’s worth of journals to refer to for any names they might have forgotten.

Either way, if patterns hold true to themselves then I should never hear from Stacey again unless I contact her. My head says not to bother but my heart is curious. I can’t believe even a friendship would come of it but there’s still a part of me that feels it’s hard to believe it wouldn’t. Not that she would intentionally do any such thing, but I’ve been led on by women before, so this is why I’m hesitant to bother with her. Again, not that it’s her intention to lead me on, but women have gotten my hopes up in ways that men never have, for even just a friendship. Then again, I don’t know if I can fairly make that comparison when I haven’t been interested in very many men in my life.

I just wish I knew what she was open to. Does she have any particular hopes for us? I will admit that a part of me, even if it’s a very small part, has sometimes wished for a woman on the side to spice things up and add variety to my life. It isn’t that my life is bad or that I feel I’m missing anything; but more like me being open to any fun and interesting additions.

But just how open am I really to anything more than friendship? That’s the one thing I’m not sure of, and I guess no one ever is unless they’re actually in that situation and have to make a choice.

I’m guessing that the only thing she would be open to is meeting in her office, and I would certainly be okay with that if I knew for sure that she didn’t have anything else in mind, and I’m still guessing that while she gave me every indication to believe that she’s attracted to me (no, I definitely didn’t imagine that), she would remain professional. If even friendship is forbidden between a counselor and a former patient, I just can’t believe she would risk her license and career even if she may be coming to the end of it, just because someone might have noticed her in a way she probably hasn’t been noticed for years. Would I really be worth it to her?

If only I knew what she wanted because then I would be willing to work with that as long as she didn’t have any ridiculous expectations in mind, and again, I just can’t imagine her of all people wanting more than I could give, let alone wanting what I could give.

Only time will tell for sure as things play themselves out over the upcoming months, years… whatever. For now, I can just guess that if I ever do see her again it will be in her office.

When I call her on Valentine’s Day, because I know she’s not going to call me first, I was thinking I might let her know that I miss her and see if she suggests I come to see her. I thought I would also see if she was open to texting or email.

So yeah, I’ll “lead” the way by calling Stacey and being told that I’m welcome to come and see her, but that text or email is not an option, even though she seemed quite pleased when I gave her my contact info, and even though she was clearly attracted to me.

I suppose I shouldn’t think that negatively. After all, I never would have believed that someone like her would be attracted to me in the first place, yet she is. I just don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing, even though it’s not like I’m going to ball my eyes out if things don’t go my way. I’m not the person I was 15 years ago when Johnson fucked with my head. But why invest the time?

If I see Stacey, great. If not, I will always appreciate the help she gave me and I will always have her memories to cherish.

I think it’s her not going to my blog, and her asking if I would be okay with not meeting a certain woman that’s got me thinking a little negatively.

Foolish or not, though, I am thinking positively more than I’m thinking negatively where she’s concerned because she gave off more positive signs than negative signs.

I just wish I knew if she’s got it in mind to call me after a certain amount of time has gone by, or if she’s hoping that I’m the one to make the first move.

Well… I’m 99.9% sure that I’m going to be making that first move.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2016 I’ve been hearing less and less from Tammy but I understand that she is no doubt excited to catch up on things she hasn’t been able to do now that she’s got more energy since being stented, and is breathing easier since quitting smoking. She does still have fibromyalgia, though, and invited me to a Facebook group she created, even though I’m rarely on Facebook these days, and don’t know how I could possibly contribute other than to send my love and well wishes.

I don’t have chronic pain throughout my body; just in my left hip and my ear that isn’t really my ear, and it’s not quite “chronic.” I do get some days off. I just think it’s rather sad, as I told her, that it took 3 doctors in 12 years to finally be told what it is. It’s jaw joint arthritis, which was probably caused by my ear surgery. I can’t swear that I wouldn’t have it had I not had surgery, but I have a feeling I wouldn’t. The more I looked up the symptoms, the more I think my ENT is right on with the diagnosis she gave me. Funny because the last two EMTs were males. Yet Trump thinks males are smarter? Who the hell does he think he’s kidding? I’ve always known women were the smarter gender. This doesn’t mean there aren’t smart guys out there – my hubby is probably smarter than 98% of the population – and that there aren’t any stupid women in this world, but I think that women are smarter in general. Anyway, it’s called Temporomandibular Joint Disorders (TMJ and TMD).

They say that understanding something helps us to deal with it better, but I’m not sure in this case. I think all it does is settle my curiosity. They can’t fix this any more than they can cure my circadian rhythm disorder, so my knowing and understanding don’t change anything.

I was chatting on Yelp with this poor girl named Kristi in Woodland who was asking me about my old endocrinologist. She’s having the exact same symptoms I am and I assured her that my old endo is definitely the one to go to. Being older she’s had more experience, and she’s very understanding and knowledgeable. She understands that you can’t look at just the numbers and assume that every patient’s ideal numbers are going to be within their standard reference range. She’s super nice, too. A little stern at times, but nice. I told her of the symptoms I had and how frustrating it was with my old team of doctors at the old medical group telling me, “Oh, you’re just anxious,” when I knew it wasn’t normal for me to have my heart feel like it was going to jump out of my chest. So… I feel for her. I really do. I know how horrible and downright scary it can be. Just don’t expect to recover for a few months, I reminded her, since levothyroxine isn’t like aspirin where it leaves the body after a matter of hours.

It’s a very chilly 38° out now and I’m really hoping today is quieter than yesterday. First I had to hear landscaping at the house diagonally from us, then Bob broke out his blower, and then the park came by with their insanely loud blower, and I’m like, “Can we please stop it already?!”

At least it’s too cold for the motorcycles.

I don’t remember much of what happened, and the dreams only seemed to last for a second or two, but Stacey appeared in a record-breaking three or four dreams. I know we’re supposed to dream about things that are on our minds, but I’ve thought of her pretty much every day since last summer, yet this is the first time she showed up in my dreams this much. Although none of the dreams seemed to be negative in any way – if anything one of them might have been rather explicit – I don’t get the feeling that they mean anything. In other words, I don’t think they’re a sign of anything in particular to come.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2016 Although I’m keeping my Facebook account, I’m only checking in for messages once a week because I’m sick and fucking tired of nothing but political rants. No matter what side of the coin you’re on, too much is too much, and I’ve definitely had enough. Every day I tune in to hear about people and subjects that are beyond old and I’m tired of it. But people have a right to post what they want.

Even if people post a good mix of variety on Facebook, I prefer other social sites where I have more control over my privacy and can interact with people privately if I choose to do so. If I don’t want a certain Facebook friend knowing I’ve been there, I can’t comment on another friend’s post without it being waved in front of their faces.

My blog posts will still be shared there, which I don’t have to do from Facebook, and I let Tammy know that she should email me if anything important happens with her or the girls, as when I check in for messages I’m not going to be combing the newsfeed. Politics, religion, racism, Bill G… I’ve had enough.

The park not only had our water off again (I knew it was due to be shut off anytime now) but they also never warned us ahead of time like they did the last few times. I hope the office was bombarded with calls and messages from people complaining! I wonder when people are going to get so fed up that they demand space rent cuts. Over $800 a month for this shit? Come on! Actually, it’s over a grand when you add in trash pickup and shit like that.

I slept through the water shutoff, but I knew the water had been off when I got up and used the toilet cuz it “farted.” Poor Tom, though. It was off when he got home at 5:30 and it was still off when he went to bed at 7:45.

I’m now 8 hours away from trying the circadian light.

We’ve changed our mind as far as going with solid white in the kitchen. It would just look too stark in comparison with the maple cabinets. More than likely it will be flower power all the way with each section having a neutral color with some kind of flower design on it.

I was going to throw in some watercolor paints and a watercolor pad in the next Amazon order we’re planning, but then said, nah. I’m just not into being artistic in that kind of way anymore.

Last night I dreamed there was either a warrant out for my arrest or I was going to be charged with something (I don’t know what) and my brother was alive and either working for the police department or someone connected to it. I was talking to him on the phone and he was somehow going to take care of things for me by having someone pick me up that he knew.

I waited in this strange house with a cluttered living room and old dingy-looking kitchen, but whoever was supposed to pick me up never arrived. I called and told Tom I was tired of waiting and that I didn’t give a shit if there was a warrant out for my arrest or not at that point.

I then stepped out the back door of the house which was off the kitchen and began what I knew would be a long walk to some office.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2016 I laughed when Tom told me he thought we should get roller skates to use around the park until the thought of using them on this hilly terrain changed his mind. He couldn’t even walk in the snow and ice in Oregon without falling on his ass, so how does he expect to be able to roller-skate? He’s right, though. This terrain is too hilly even for those of us who can actually skate.

We went out walking late last night. I didn’t think the moon looked that much bigger than usual, but it was definitely bright. Of all the places I’ve lived, the moon looked the biggest in the desert.

The yellow African daisies just outside the front door are blooming nicely now. strange time of year for them to come to life, but I guess they thrive in the cooler temperatures.

It was pretty cold on our walk last night, down in the 40s. I had my hoodie on as well as a scarf and knit gloves. It’s supposed to rain today and then by Friday night get down into the 30s. Ugh.

We’ve now got a pretty good idea of what tile designs we’re getting. Tom said he would go with white in the kitchen and at first I thought white would look too sterile, almost like in a hospital. But compared to my surprisingly few other choices, I think white would be our best bet for that room.

I’ve chosen beige tiles with small pink flowers and their centers for the laundry/bath areas. Really wish we could see what they’d look like in the rooms, but even if I printed pictures out, the colors we see online aren’t always true.

One of the things they voted on in California was to stop using thin plastic grocery bags. They’ve gone to thicker plastic bags that are reusable and that cost a dime each if you decide to keep getting new ones. I figured that we might as well make it more fun and colorful, and so I picked out a 9-piece set of grocery totes on Amazon, each one being a different color.

Not that I’m complaining, but where are all the motorcycles? Even before it cooled down I noticed that I haven’t been hearing any.

Here’s something that’s probably meaningless but a little strange just the same. About a week or two ago, I heard this strange creaking sound late at night. At first I thought it was Tom’s chair, which creaks when he moves. But he was asleep and this particular creaking sound was consistent in volume, pitch and length of time.

Then one day I was standing in the kitchen waiting for my coffee to finish brewing. As I slowly shifted my weight back and forth I noticed the exact same sound. It was then that I remembered Andy, who insisted he was just as psychic with ghosts as I am at times with dream premonitions, told me that the spirit of the guy who used to live here was present.

Hmm… interesting. Still not sure I believe in ghosts, especially since I’ve never actually seen one, despite some signs suggesting that our land in Arizona was haunted. I’ve never had the feeling that this place is haunted, but it was a weird coincidence. If Andy was right, what does the guy do… walk around the kitchen late at night on occasion?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2016 I just searched different combinations of keywords and actually got about half a dozen psychologists in the state with the first name of Stacey. That could be cut in half based on area, and yes, there is another one in Sacramento. But even so, anyone could call them all. Giving her real first name hasn’t caused any harm yet, but if God forbid some psycho troll latched onto me and called all the Stacey psychologists in my area, I would be so pissed. Stacey wouldn’t give out any information of course, but it’s one thing for trolls to come at me, and another when they go after people I know.

At this point I don’t know what gets to me more… Trump winning or the fact that people have become so obsessed with him that he’s all I hear about no matter where I go. Then again, Trump didn’t “win.” Hate won.

Really wish people would find a – shall we say – healthier obsession. Dwelling on shit that can’t be changed, unless someone can find a way to assassinate both him and Pence.

Lenore peeked in on me after the election but hasn’t been back since. I’m guessing she was curious about my reaction to who was elected.

The more I think about it the more I’m sure that whenever I start a low-calorie diet, the few pounds I always lose isn’t weight but water instead. If the diets were really causing weight loss I would ultimately lose more than just a few pounds, wouldn’t I? I think that for some reason it just triggers water loss.

My Aurora Borealis sweatshirt arrived and fits great. Any smaller and it would be too tight. The material is thicker and of better quality than I thought it would be for the price. The only thing is that the design appears to be a bit darker than it does online.

We went to Walgreens earlier where we both got some junk food. He got chips and cakes and I got a candy bar and Tic Tacs. Other than Tic Tacs, I’m determined to cut out the junk starting tomorrow. It really isn’t good for me. It’s what Tom mostly eats, however, which is unfortunate.

I also got a large rose-gold barrette, which is hard to find. So whenever I spot barrettes this large I grab them.

I also got a pair of blue leggings with faint white streaks. They’re slightly tight but wearable. Now I have leggings in four different colors.

For $10 I got six Hawaiian Lei bath bombs that I’ll be looking forward to trying tomorrow.

The Supermoon is huge and bright, so we’re going out walking just after 3 AM after he’s had a chance to wake up. He still likes to get up a few hours before work so he doesn’t feel rushed and he has a chance to do things that he likes to do.

I let the rats out earlier. Burke always wants to come out, but Dumbo sometimes does, and Simon almost never does. Rats eventually find their way back home when you leave their cage door open. Once Burke was home I shut the door thinking everybody was home. Burke and Dumbo are both dark brown, and an hour or two later I see a dark brown rat climbing up the door. I immediately thought it was Burkey boy and wondered how the hell he got out, but when I picked him up I noticed right away that the fir was coarse and wooly and not smooth and silky like Burke’s. Plus, there were the “down” ears instead of the top ears, and so I knew it was Dumbo. He’d obviously been out the whole time and probably fell asleep behind my desk.

Later…

This bath bomb wasn’t quite as good as the big bomb I got at BB&B, but it was better than the set of small bombs. Still had to lotion up my driest spots… legs/forearms. Didn’t mess up the tub, though, so that’s good. Will probably get more from Walgreens eventually. As for the online variety pack… don’t know. Will leave it in ’save for later’ for now.

I’m excited about the huge Amazon order we’ll be doing next month. Each year we do a huge order and take the year to pay it off. This isn’t just about getting fun stuff, but things we need, as well.

It’s been 2.5 years since we had the carpet installed and it definitely needs to be cleaned. Because I went with a lighter color, dirt tracked in from outdoors is more evident. For about the same price as a rental, you can buy a decent carpet cleaner. That way we can do it at our own convenience anytime we want.

We’re also going to get the floor tiles and FINALLY redo these hideous floors.

Got up just after 7pm, which means I’m now 11 hours from trying the circadian light. I’m going to try to hold my schedule so that I’m sleeping between 10pm - 6am. I still seriously doubt it will help long-term. I know it’s helped some people, but as recent studies have shown, sleep schedules aren’t all about light like they originally thought it was or else they wouldn’t have discovered this particular disorder in some blind people as they have.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2016 Read that in 1995 the Code of Ethics had a 2-year ban on sexual relationships between counselors and clients. Then it was raised to 5 years after termination of therapy in 2005.

But what about just a friendship with a former counselor???

I’ve asked myself over and over again… despite the mutual attraction and fondness that any idiot would’ve picked up on, would I actually want anything more than just a friendship if the choice were mine?

Definitely not. I just don’t feel the need for a side dish nor would I have the confidence for that even if I did, thanks to being fat and older. I could see kissing, hugging, snuggling up on the couch to watch a movie, but definitely not spreading my legs.

The experts insist that even long after termination of therapy, and even if the client is open to sex, it is harmful to the client. I can totally see this being the case if the client goes to a therapist because they were raped, and that therapist takes advantage of their vulnerability and fragile state of mind.

But what about a nonsexual relationship involving a client who went to a therapist on account of a scary reaction to a medication? Rape is a long way away from a drug that can scare the shit out of you in the wrong doses. I just don’t know if we can really lump every single client into one big group like that. Then again I’ve never had any kind of relationship with a former counselor, and I don’t expect to despite the “signs,” so I can’t say for sure how I might end up feeling. My guess is that I wouldn’t feel any different than had I been sitting across from someone on a bus when I happened to be anxious and was given tips on how to handle it, as opposed to sitting across from someone in a room who gave me the same tips.

I know I said this with Johnson, but it’s a little hard to believe that something won’t eventually happen, even though there were a few signs saying it wouldn’t. Not checking out my blog was the biggest sign saying she might actually have zero hopes/plans to meet later on down the road, and personally, it’s really very hard to picture Stacey of all people doing anything unethical. If she has any future hopes or plans for us, then I certainly couldn’t be the first one she’s had them with. So then how would she be getting away with this for 27 years even if it only happened a few times? Would she have waited or something? I suppose if she waited or no one said anything, then she wouldn’t be at risk of losing her license. Again, very hard to picture her ending up friends or fuck buddies with any old clients, but I never would’ve guessed in a million years that I’d catch the eye of a therapist either. Cassandra, which I saw back east in 1991 might have been attracted to me, but this is totally different. Totally.

The not knowing what’s going to happen is slightly frustrating but it’s mostly fun because it keeps things interesting and gives me something to look forward to. The only difference is that if it comes down to me realizing we’re never going to see each other outside the office, I’m not going to be devastated over it for four months like I was when I realized I’d never hear from Johnson again because I’m older and smarter than that now. Then again I don’t know if smarter is a good choice of words, but maybe I’m just better, not as needy, and used to things turning out a certain way.

I keep almost nothing from Tom but I have chosen not to let him in on Stacey’s attraction for me for now so that he doesn’t go getting his paranoid pants on, even if I’m smart enough to know that he knows me better and we’ve been “just friends” for ages now. Attraction or not, we’re not going to get it on like we’re in our 20s, and I’m not going to run off with her into the sunset either. He will know someday. Just not right now unless he’s reading my journals. Otherwise, the only ones who know at the moment are Tammy and some PBers.

I don’t expect to see her ever again, but I’m definitely open to a friendship, and I still plan to call on or around Valentine’s Day, depending on my schedule at the time.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2016 I love to think. I mean really sit and think. It’s good for the brain. It allows you to imagine real possibilities as well as to indulge in fun fantasies. The brain can be one giant workshop or can be one giant playground. It’s an outlet for creativity as well as a means of cultivating understanding and knowledge.

So I sit here tonight and I wonder… how have we become more tolerant yet still so intolerant? We’re more tolerant in that we’ll give blacks extra rights/protection and we’ll allow gays to marry, yet overall we can’t tolerate shit. Or better yet we won’t.

And what is it with the stupidity? Sorry folks, I don’t mean to sound like a know-it-all as I’m the last one who has all the answers, but shouldn’t some things be rather obvious and a simple matter of common sense?

Are there really still people out there who still believe that there’s no such thing as global warming?

Or medical conditions that really can make you depressed or anxious?

That gay/bi people choose to be gay/bi due to rape or incest and that it’s all about body parts only and not the gender as a whole? Yes, we can choose, alright. We can choose not to be who we are. But wouldn’t that be like eating nothing but foods you don’t like for the rest of your life? I wouldn’t change who and what I am because I don’t give a shit about what others think of me. I’m much too selfish to care. But I have a feeling that if we had more control over certain things, we would see a radical change pretty fast.

Later…

I’m normally one who believes in resolving issues without violence, yet I have never in my life wished for a president to be assassinated as I do now. Seriously, he needs to go. We can’t afford to have people like him in this world, especially as a leader. He’s just too fucked up and too dangerous. So please, please… Someone out there… Do the right thing. I don’t care if it’s slow and torturous or short and sweet. Just someone… Get rid of him!

Sure enough, people have begun rioting as I figured they would. While white people have been involved in the riots, I’m not at all surprised that a high school black girl beat the crap out of a white schoolmate for supporting Trump. Gee, blacks, that’s really going to make us like you.

It’s sickening how many bystanders just sat and did absolutely nothing until one girl finally helped. And why do Facebook and Twitter post this shit?

Later…

I couldn’t wait for the election to be over because I was so sick and tired of hearing about the candidates and political shit as a whole, yet everywhere I go online people are STILL going on and on about it. It really is getting old and I wonder when people will move on.

I can’t stand Trump either and I would love to see him and Pence assassinated, but it’s not going to happen, so we might as well just get on with our lives and remember that they’re not as powerful as some may think. There are 2 of them and there are about 300 million of us. I say they’re pretty outnumbered no matter who/what they are. :-) But yeah, even though I’ve always believed in resolving issues without violence, this is the first pair in which I wouldn’t lose a single tear if they got taken out of the picture. The only problem is that it’s become virtually impossible to do since the Reagan attempt.

While we are on the damn subject… I read an interesting journal entry of someone’s that spoke of people’s twisted views/laws no matter what side of the coin they’re on. They pointed out some of the following issues, although maybe not in so many words.

If you wouldn’t vote for Obama because he’s black, you’re racist. If you voted for him because he’s black, you’re not racist.

If you don’t want a shitload of Muslims coming over here that have no regard for American law, believe that gays should be pushed off of buildings and that no woman should be allowed to leave home without a male relative, you’re once again racist.

But then if you support Muslims coming over here that refuse to abide by our law and that want to kill damn near everybody they disagree with, you’re just a sweetheart.

If you voted for Trump, you’re sexist, and if you voted for Hillary, you’re still sexist.

If you’re in favor of birth control, you’re a real ass for believing that women should have total rights to their lives and bodies.

If you’re against birth control, then you’re saving “lives.” You know, those lives that aren’t really lives but actually just a cluster of cells with zero sense of awareness?

If a black person beats the shit out of a white person, it will probably be labeled simple assault and they might get just a few months in jail.

If a white person beats the shit out of a black person, it will probably be labeled a hate crime and that person may very well go to prison for life.

In non-political news, I had palpitations twice when out walking. Really hope it does this during my stress test, but it probably won’t. It doesn’t do it every time I work out. It fluttered a few times as I was climbing the “rollercoaster,” then once as I was coming uphill from the lake. But like a car quits making those funny noises when brought to the mechanic, my heart probably won’t flutter during the test.

Even though it’s way too early being that it’s not even mid-November yet, someone’s got a bunch of Christmas lights running alongside the lake and it looks really cool the way it reflects off the water. I wish I had my camera.

The muscle injury in my lower left gut has healed, but the pain in my lower side is back. Tough shit. I have to work out. Not working out will raise both my weight and my cholesterol.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2016 Walmart is now offering this service where you can order your groceries online, they pick them out for you, and then you pick them up. This is awesome and it would save him a lot of time. The one thing I miss from our old place (besides the seclusion) was when we used to use Raley’s for this service which, strangely enough, isn’t available outside of the rural areas.

It’s nice to know that Sheriff Joe Arpaio will not be reelected. He’s a genuine piece of shit and I honestly don’t know why he’s still alive. He’s pissed off so many people and made so many enemies. I understand his frustration with illegals, but to make inmates live in tents like they’re fucking dogs in doghouses in the brutal heat of the desert is totally inhumane. I can see this with a rapist perhaps, but with women who are prostitutes or druggies? Do they really deserve and need to be treated like animals?

I haven’t had any heartburn in a while now. It definitely had to do with that deep-dish pizza I was getting. It was just way too greasy. I have felt a lot better since I changed my diet and started eating less. Yes, I’m hungry at times but I would honestly prefer that to feeling full and bloated. I eat six times a day, every few hours, and I virtually cut out all cholesterol. I mostly have veggies. I split a giant protein cookie that is loaded with vitamins and nutrients but still tastes good in half for the first two times I eat since it’s two servings. The next two times I eat I split one of those Birds Eye protein mix bags. I really like the Tuscan and the Italian-style mixes. The California and Hawaiian styles are so-so. I won’t dare try the Southwestern or the Thai styles because I don’t like spicy foods. Curry sauce, chili, hot peppers, jalapeños… no way.

I also have a small kiddy yogurt and a fruit cup in between.

As usual, my weight began to reset itself as soon as I hit 151.8, and I don’t doubt that I’ll be back to the 154.4 that I started at, even if I keep dieting. This is where my body feels comfortable and that’s OKAY. I still feel better this way, it keeps me regular, it’s healthy, it’s low cholesterol, and it’s cheaper than TV dinners.

There really are benefits to keeping the extra weight as well as losing it. I would be healthier, more flexible, and better looking if I lost weight. But this way the clothes I got will still fit, my wedding band will still fit, and I don’t have to worry about my meds backfiring on me.

For once I slept okay and didn’t wake up too hot.

I don’t know which rat it was or if it was just some fictitious rat, but last night I dreamed that we were staying somewhere for a while and the rat we had at the time loved it there so much that we decided to leave it behind when we left. No way we would ever do anything like that, of course. Rats can be happy anywhere as long as they have food, love and attention.

Then I was in some store and I just had to have this purple and black dress that was part of some Halloween costume. I was also looking through some strange journal as well.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2016 I still can’t believe Trump won. Everything was pointing to Hillary winning, and she did win the popular votes. No offense to female Trump voters since it was your right to do so, but I have to wonder what kind of self-respect a woman could possibly have for herself if she chooses someone who hates her for the body parts she was born with. Because she thinks he’s going to stop illegal immigration? Well, think again because he just doesn’t have the kind of power a lot of people like to think he has. The vast majority of his power is over the military. I don’t know that I buy his claims of being so anti-immigration anyway because his wife started off as an illegal and he has illegals working for him. I think politicians simply say whatever they think is going to make them the most money whether it’s what people want to hear or not. Yes, I wanted Hillary, but she’s a self-serving, greedy liar too. They all have their good and bad, but I do think this team definitely has more bad than good.

Personally, I wish people would stop coming over here even the legal way because we have enough people here already hogging our precious resources. I highly doubt my husband would have spent 2.5 years on unemployment during the recession if outsiders weren’t coming over by the thousands to take what’s ours.

I know that we’re all entitled to our beliefs and that a simple belief is harmless, but Pence’s belief that gays can be cured through conversion therapy is utterly ridiculous. No one gets to choose their sexual orientation whether they’re gay, straight or bi like me. If one could be converted to being attracted to the opposite sex, then one could be converted to being attracted to the same sex. This isn’t possible, and even if it was… why??? Why should one be forced to change their sexual preference so long as they’re consenting adults?

As I said, he only has so much power, so at least we can take solace in knowing that he can’t strip women of their rights and salaries, he can’t dissolve gay marriages, and he can’t paint black people white either, as I was telling someone else. Tom doesn’t think he’ll ignite World War III, even though that’s what some people fear. We do believe Middle Eastern Muslims will attack more Europeans, however, because Europeans are the closest people they can take their frustrations out on. These are people who believe violence is the answer to everything and will use the slightest excuse to act on that belief.

I know some people are worried that this is sending the wrong message to society saying that it’s okay to hate, and that it’s going to fuel more hatred, but I don’t think it will. There were haters long before Trump hit the scene. I think people become haters because they either choose to do so or they had a horrible personal experience that made them hate.

Even so, and even though I’m a person who does not condone violence whatsoever, I wouldn’t lose any tears if Trump were ever assassinated. I doubt very much it’ll happen, but then again I was pretty sure he wouldn’t be elected either.

Later…

I had a dream that Aly tweeted to me. Good luck with that Hündin, since you don’t know of my Twitter account. She RTd a tweet saying that it’s easier to forgive an enemy than a friend. I’m sure that was aimed at me, too. Still can’t believe she feels she can’t “forgive” someone who was just being honest with her, but as we all know, the world is full of idiocy and senselessness. So yeah, if you tell a friend that she’s getting to be a little too demanding and clingy, and you warn her about phony crazies trying to burn her, you just might find your ass being dumped like yesterday’s trash. Great world we live in, ay?

Lenore is back, too.

Speaking of violence and the way kids act so animalistic these days, Tom was pointing out how my parents probably thought they were helping me by putting me through ear surgery because even though I was a bully, especially in elementary school, kids were much crueler and violence was much higher in the 60s and 70s despite there being fewer people. When our parents were kids, and even when he was a kid, it was socially acceptable for big kids to pick on little kids, just like child abuse was practically legal. If my siblings and I were born in the 90s and later instead of the 50s and 60s, our parents would have been arrested for many of the things they did if they parented in a similar fashion. Child Protective Services would have at least been called to investigate, that’s for sure.

It’s because parents are less violent as a whole that today’s children are out of control. He totally has a point when he said that you either beat them into submission and controlled them with intimidation, threats and violence, or you just let them be, and there isn’t much else in between. I’m sure there are some people who can breed and raise good kids without the violence – he came out just fine without the physical force – but he still does have a point. It’s much quicker and easier to control a person with violence than through words. Either that or money or maybe blackmail. But blackmail comes under the category of intimidation.

This is a tough one for me because while we don’t support child abuse of any kind, I sure miss the days when we could go to stores and restaurants and not be bombarded with screaming, spoiled brats running all over the place. I spent my first 26 years in the East and I don’t remember screaming kids in any restaurants or stores I ever went to. Ever. Things changed around the time I moved to Arizona in the 90s.

So do we bring back and make the unacceptable acceptable once again? I say definitely not. But there doesn’t seem to be much of a happy medium or any other way around the issue. My mother would have kicked my ass if I carried on like today’s kids back when I was a kid. But if she had been like most modern parents, I would’ve been a totally different kid and probably a different adult as well.

Another thing that pisses me off is the dual standards, and this has nothing to do with who the president is. If I beat the shit out of another white person I would be put in prison for years, but if they were black, it would automatically be labeled a hate crime even if that wasn’t the issue at all, and I would be sent to prison for life because they are a “protected class” right along with cops in most state and government officials. I’m sorry, but I still don’t see how blacks are supposed to be discriminated against on the large scale some claim they are. I can see the gays still being shit on by the masses, but with all the special laws and privileges that blacks have that whites don’t, where’s the so-called discrimination that’s supposed to be running rampant?

Later…

I hope Michelle Obama decides to run for prez in 2020. I really do. Tom and I both agree she stands a chance of winning. I think that because she’s black she has a good chance right there despite being a woman. You know me, I still say racism is exaggerated while gay-bashing is played down.

We both agree that she stands a chance because she gives better speeches and she comes off as nicer and friendlier than Hillary. Hillary is just as smart but she does come off as rather stern and businesslike in comparison. So while I may not care for blacks as a whole, Michelle is one of those exceptions and I wouldn’t mind her for president at all.

It really pisses me off that they legalized marijuana in California. Not because I care what others choose to do to their own bodies. Oh no, if you want to kill your brain cells and make yourself a fuckedtarded zombie, go ahead. The problem I have with it is that now I’ll have to gag on secondhand pot smoke when I’m out in public just like I do with cigarette smoke. I’m sure they’ll keep it out of restaurants as with cigarettes, but no one’s going to give a shit if I would prefer to breathe in clean air rather than the joint you’re smoking by the door to the Walmart I’m about to enter or exit.

Tom, however, thinks it will be treated like alcohol, which means you can’t do it in public unless it’s in a place specifically designated for that. Let’s just say this is another reason for me never to want to return to a casino.

So yeah, make yourself forgetful, make yourself stupid, give yourself lung cancer, shorten your lifespan, waste a shitload of money. Just don’t do it at my expense, ok?

Later…

Before meeting Tom, and with very few exceptions, I did a great job of attracting mostly losers. Jobless, carless, stupid, immature people that bordered on crazy. I realize that a lot of us older folks look back on our youth able to say the same thing. Youth often attracts the wrong types no matter how with it we may be.

Yet even before I started turning the heads of the computer wizards, the cops, the lawyers, the nurses and the psychologists, there has always been another pattern present in both my younger and older lives. I seem to mostly – not always but mostly - attract the shy, quiet types. Okay, so Stacey isn’t exactly shy. Quiet, but not shy. Tom is more on the shy side just as Brenda was.

The only problem with shy people is that they tend to be the ones who aren’t very exciting in bed. Then again, Brenda wasn’t that bad and she sure had a major appetite.

As sweet and as likable as Stacey is (I honestly can’t imagine anyone in the world not liking her), I can’t imagine her being very romantic even though she’s not what I would consider shy. You can’t be shy and sit and counsel people all day. She is on the quiet side, but definitely not shy.

For one who’s always had the habit of trying to imagine what people might be like in ways I’ll probably never know firsthand, I just think she would be a major bore in bed with probably not much of an appetite. She is older, though, and you don’t usually have much of an appetite as an older woman anyway. I know the one I started to “vibe” back crapped out pretty quickly.

I still wonder the same things I’ve been wondering about her. Does she think of me as often as I think of her? Does she have any specific hopes for the future? Although I can’t imagine even being just her friend, it’s also hard to imagine her never wanting to see me in some way shape or form because how many other me’s could there possibly be out there? Sweetheart or not, great body or not, she’s not what most people would consider attractive, plus she’s older. Can that many people, like me, stop and say to themselves, you know, there’s just something about Stacey? If she’s in a marriage she’s bored with, or at least that’s sexless no matter how much she may love the guy, and if she likes me and knows I like her, plus knows that I might be her last chance for any kind of “romantic” friendship, would she really pass that up?

Well, Stacey, I’m still going to be your Valentine’s Day phone call in a little over three months from now.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2016 I don’t get it. Everybody complains that Trump hates women, hates gays, hates blacks, hates Hispanics and hates Muslims. Yet they go and vote for him??? WTF? By 6:30 PM PT, it was obvious Trump would win.

I’m both surprised and not surprised. I’m surprised because I thought we were more politically correct than sexist. But then I’m not surprised because I never thought I would see a woman president in my lifetime. Poor Hillary, though. It’s got to be a bit embarrassing to know that your whorebag husband could win but you couldn’t.

Even though all politicians are pretty much the same and they all have their good and bad points, I am disappointed. On the bright side, the president doesn’t have as much power as many people believe they do. Even I know this and I know very little about politics because it simply never interested me. The only real control he has is over the military. In a sense, his presidency will affect those in other countries more than it will affect us. This can be a good thing when it comes to Muslims. That’s the one thing I agree with him on, and I don’t care who the hell I piss off in saying so. I have just as much right to my beliefs and opinions as you do, and I promised myself years ago I wouldn’t choke back in the name of political correctness, not that we’re very politically correct tonight.

Either way, we definitely have to toughen up on not only letting foreigners in general come and go and hog up our resources by taking what’s ours, but especially with potentially dangerous groups of people. Sorry, but it isn’t a small percentage of Muslims that are running around with machetes ready to kill the first person who isn’t a carbon copy of themselves, and this isn’t a belief, but a fact. It’s not just a few hundred either. It’s not even a few thousand. We’re talking millions. That’s just the way their culture is… you treat women and children like shit and you slaughter those that are different. It’s a socially accepted norm within their everyday way of living. Well, I don’t want that shit brought over here. You want to cut your neighbor’s head off for being Christian, do it on your own damn turf.

I can’t even go more than a few days without seeing some headline about some Muslim somewhere being caught with explosives, or bombing this place or bombing that place. How many more innocent people need to die before someone does something to at least cut down the number of senseless murders?

Still, I really had hoped that Hillary would win, and a big part of me actually thought she would despite sensing that I would never see a woman president in my lifetime, because for every one complaint I would hear about her, I would hear dozens about Trump. But we do live in a country where women love men and men just adore each other as well. The best we can hope for is an assassination, but would Pence really be any better? Honestly, I never could get people like these guys. If they hate women that much then why aren’t they with men?

Had to laugh when Tom said Hillary would win Florida. I knew Trump would win because of the older population there, and they tend to favor him more than the younger people.

“It depends on how the Puerto Ricans vote,” he said, “and Trump says they’re all bad.”

Yeah, and I say Puerto Ricans are dumb. They would vote for someone that hates them.

I’m back to not sleeping well and therefore I’m a little tired when I’m awake, but since I received my circadian light today, maybe it will help. I have my doubts, but then I never would have thought that Stacy’s emotional tapping or EMDR would help as much as it has either. Even if it helps for just a week or two at a time, that will make getting to appointments, going on vacation, and things like that a lot easier to deal with.

My Childhood:

Born and raised in Massachusetts in a bedroom town that wasn’t rich but was very comfortable. My parents had me when they were 32 and 33 years old, which was considered a bit old to be having kids back in 1965. My sister Tammy was 8 years older and my brother Larry was 12 years older.

The house we lived in when I was born was next to my maternal grandparents. We spent our summers in a small cottage at a Connecticut beach and moved to the older section of town when I was around 12.

My health issues consisted mainly of asthma, allergies, and a deformed ear in which my ear canal was also fused shut. Had surgery in Boston to build an outer ear through plastic surgery, but ended up with something that looked worse than what I started with.

My Teens:

Having an abusive mother with an enabling father who chose to look the other way, I developed emotional issues that left me insecure and eventually to attempt suicide.

As a child with ADHD, I didn’t always do well in school or get along well with others. I ended up in an adolescent psychiatric hospital in Vermont for 5 months which my mother promised me I would come out of as a “whole new person,” and then I attended an alternative school in the city.

In April of 1982, my parents gave me up to the state. I went through a couple of foster homes, one with a loving Italian couple and another with a neglectful black woman, before a quick trip to the state funny farm and then a private girls’ school for two years, which I hated. I did, however, become close with a few students and staffers which I’m in touch with today on Facebook.

My 20s:

Got my first apartment in the city the day before I turned 20 in 1985. At the time I was working as a housekeeper at a hotel just below the state line. I soon lost my job and went on disability.

I became a very liberal person who had both boyfriends and girlfriends. Nothing was a “sin” to me so long as the people were of age and consenting.

I had two apartments in Springfield, MA, one in South Deerfield, MA, and then I spent four months and the projects in Norwich, CT.

Had a nervous breakdown mostly due to the noise that put stress on me and prevented me from sleeping, then I finally gave up on the East altogether. I moved to Phoenix Arizona in 1992 where a longtime friend and gay guy lived that I’m no longer friends with.

For a while, I was an exotic dancer, and my husband Tom was my neighbor in one of the four apartments I would have in Phoenix before I moved into his house with him. We married in 1994. We lived in Phoenix from 1993-1999. We went through four different neighbors next door while we were there, each one progressively worse.

My 30s

In 1996 I had surgery to remove what was left of my outer left ear and to create an ear canal. I’ve had intermittent earaches because of it for the last 12 years, but surgery was necessary to rule out a tumor once I began to experience sensitivity within the ear.

In 1997 I quit smoking and in 1999 we bought a 10-acre ranch in rural Maricopa and lived there for five years.

We traded in Arizona for Oregon in 2004 after purchasing a 2.5-acre parcel of land. Our plans to build a dome house quickly fell through due to the expenses which added up fast, prompting us to rent first a duplex and then a small, old rundown house in the town of Klamath Falls.

I hated the cold and the snow, but my husband eventually got a good-paying job and we had a lot of fun shopping and winning things. I would enter tons of sweeps and contests and would win something every few days back then, from little prizes to big prizes, before the competition grew fierce with the onslaught of social media.

My 40s

We moved to NorCal in 2007. The recession damn near killed us. We spent the first eight months in motels, then rented a dumpy old trailer out in the country for five years. My husband was on unemployment for 2.5 years, and I’m not able to work mostly due to circadian rhythm disorder.

In the fall of 2011, he was finally given a good-paying job and it was all uphill from there. In the summer of 2013, we bought a two-bedroom house in a gated adult community. It’s a little noisier than I’d like, but we love having something that’s not so old and all the extra space.

In January 2014 we took a wonderful trip to Maui with travel credit I won right after I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease and told I had high cholesterol.

July 9th of that year and one day shy of our 1-year anniversary in this house, I called the paramedics in a panic because I thought I was having a heart attack and suspected my thyroid medication was connected to it somehow. It was absolutely terrifying and I believed I would die that day. It wasn’t a heart attack, however, just extreme anxiety unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.

My 50s

The incident with my thyroid medication traumatized me so deeply that I was compelled to switch medical groups (though we also switched for other reasons) and I began to see a therapist. I suffered on and off for a year and a half. Tachycardia, along with perimenopause, was a factor in what happened. They all fueled each other in a bad way.

In late January we flew from California to Fort Lauderdale, Florida and then went on a cruise to Cozumel, Mexico. The cruise ended up being a nightmare, but reuniting with the sister I hadn’t seen in 25 years back in Florida, along with seeing two of my nieces since they were babies, was a wonderful experience.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2016 It’s been almost a year without Andy in my life and I can’t say I miss him. This doesn’t mean I hate him or wish bad things upon him or that I think he’s a bad person. We definitely had our share of fun, funny and interesting moments. I’ll always giggle when certain things come to mind, and if he suddenly showed up homeless on my doorstep, of course I wouldn’t have the heart to turn him away.

We just simply grew to be way too different over the years. His ignorance, arrogance and stupidity really got to me. Normally I don’t give a shit who might have these little false truths in mind that they believed about me, as there is a difference between a belief in fact, but aren’t our friends supposed to be able to take us for face value?

Did he know me better than most people? Absolutely. But sometimes we’re wrong about the people we know well, and we don’t know every single thing there is to know about them. People change and you can’t always assume they’re going to handle something a certain way based on their past actions. I mean, when he was a kid in school he ignored bullies. Today he’d fight back. Now if something like watching TV got in the way of my writing then I might very well reconsider watching TV.

I just got so tired of being judged and compared to others as well as himself constantly. If I disagreed with him it was because I was “being just like my mother,” rather than an individual who simply happened not to agree with him.

If he was jealous of someone who was young and skinny, then it was automatically assumed that I was too, and that there was no way anybody else was going to be comfortable with who/what they were, even if they knew they weren’t perfect, as long as he wasn’t comfortable with his own self. Everybody was expected to have the same insecurities he had. That’s just the way he was. He didn’t seem to care if others could relate to his positive traits and experiences, but any negative ones were automatically assumed to be mutual. Like he got off on the idea of others being miserable right along with him, not that he was always miserable. But he seemed to be down in some way a lot of the time.

I also didn’t care for his two-wrongs-make-a-right attitude. “It’s about time whites got to feel how blacks once felt,” he once said.

I remember shaking my head sadly, embarrassed for him, the day he said this. Did he ever listen to himself? Did he ever hear the stupidity and senselessness in many of his words? You might as well tell every woman who hasn’t been raped that it’s about time she finds out what those who have been raped feel like, right?

It was weird, though, because he could be as compassionate as he was lacking in empathy. He bought coats for the homeless, and he sent me cheesecake when I was going through the side effects in conjunction with the perimenopause… but Robin Williams threw it all away just for shits and giggles?

Now let’s talk about the selfishness – yes he did apologize for not even making it out of the parking lot of the train station when we picked him up yet already he’d mentioned God, and yes he did apologize for being stingy with the gum after we spent enough money on him – but why was it that I was always quick to ask him how his doctors appointments when more often than not he wouldn’t ask me shit? He would eventually read about it in my journals, but was that really the same thing? Especially if you’re going to read about an appointment 6 months after the fact?

The hypocrisy was like OMG at times. How can you pat yourself on the back for being what you believe is unique, but then you seem to want to go out of your way to fit into the so-called norms? In one breath he would bash those that bash blacks and gays, but then he would turn around and judge my husband who never did a damn thing to him in his life. He would judge his lifestyle and preferred way of living, despite the fact that it works just fine for him and he’s happy. AND Andy’s the same loner he is. The only difference is that with Tom it’s by choice. With Andy, it’s because he can’t make friends or keep them for very long when he does.

He once said that when we were younger, other gays didn’t like us. In hindsight, I can see that that’s only half true. I can’t speak for him, but for me, the issue was more that back then I was just so damn picky than that there was nobody that wanted me. These days, however, I’m not solely attracted to ultra-feminine women. I’ve actually come to like them in the middle and I’ve actually preferred that since around the new millennium. I realize that a lot of women that were interested in me back in the pre-Tom days that I wasn’t attracted to; I would now probably consider them attractive or at least acceptable. Honestly, I doubt I would be attracted to Stacey 20 years ago. These days she’s totally my type. The only thing she doesn’t have that I normally go for is height. She’s a brilliant psychologist with a brilliant and compassionate mind. She has a great body, warm brown eyes and a sexy smile, though I can see where most people may consider her face rather average-looking. And her shoulder-length brown hair.

I appreciate that he apologized for some of the judgmental, cruel and false things he said about both myself and my husband. But no matter how sincerely we may apologize that doesn’t take back, erase or undo what was said and the hurt that was caused by those words. People may forgive but they don’t forget. Not until selective amnesia is a real possibility.

As for his constant forgetfulness and being slow to grasp some things, I think that was for a variety of reasons. I understand that the pot damaged brain cells along the way. I get that. And he may not be the brightest person on earth naturally, but he wasn’t the dumbest either and I think that he would sometimes play dumb/slow just to mess with and frustrate people. Again, I know we can’t always judge people in the present by how they were in the past, but as even he admitted, he sometimes liked to annoy and mindfuck people. The more I would let him know that his constant obsession/chatter with celebrities and food, for example, was annoying, the more he would “happen” to mention these topics. The more I would dislike a particular picture, the more I would see it on his old Ask wall before that site went to hell. The more I would have preferred not to hear about God, the more I would.

I would never want anyone to try to change or control me, but when someone I supposedly care about lets me know something I’m overdoing something and being annoying, I do try to curb it within reason. I get, however, that if you literally are obsessed/addicted to something it’s not easy to choke it back any more than it’s easy to quit smoking. Food, celebrities and young men were what made his world go around, you could say. LOL

Another thing I don’t miss is the blatant lack of sensitivity. His insisting Robin Williams “threw it all away” is not only a sheer display of utter ignorance but also an ultimate display of stupidity. Any idiot with half a brain would have common sense enough to know that no one’s so damn happy that they up and decide to say WTF one day and throw it all away. It’s a mental illness! Various medical conditions, illnesses, injuries and medications can affect anyone emotionally at any time, and if you think you’re invisible and that it’s all a matter of choice, you’re a real fucktard IMO. Seriously, I hope the guy didn’t take the cooking class he once said he considered. That’d not only feed his obsession with food (pardon the pun), but I think a psychology class would be more beneficial to him. In the end, it’s his life and his decision. I’m just sure that most experts would agree that not all suicidal people can be saved just like not all cancer patients can be saved.

As they say, you can’t change people and make them who/what you want them to be, and I wouldn’t want to any more than I would want someone doing that to me. Therefore I am glad I can just avoid these types of idiots instead. We were just too damn different in the end as I said. He’s sure there’s a God and that things happen for a reason and are destined to play out the way they do. I believe there probably isn’t a God and things are just random. There’s just too much diversity in people’s lives. If there were a sense of order and sameness for all of us, then it would seem planned and designed to be that way. But sometimes the innocent baby dies of cancer while the murderer wins the lottery. My sister’s a die-hard fan/believer of God yet she had a heart attack and a million other health issues this year. I’m agnostic and 95% of 2016 has been great. Sorry, but I don’t see the “grand plan” in that. But you know what? It’s ok to disagree. It’s when we go into judgmental, critical, control-freak mode that I have a problem with. Sometimes you’re wrong and sometimes I’m wrong, too. Nobody knows it all.

He once said he prayed for Comcast to be late with a repair job so he’d get something like $20, and they were late and he did get the money. Well, guess what? They were late with us too, we didn’t pray, yet we still got the money, too. Go figure. I still say it comes down to fate and not what we pray for. If prayer actually worked, we could ask for anything we wanted. I just don’t know if there’s something up there deciding on what we get/don’t get, or if it’s happenstance, but I’m leaning with chance based on the random diversity I pointed out in which no obvious pattern is present. So… Life is going to play itself out whether I prefer it to play out a certain way or not. That’s just been my own personal experience and observation.

What it came down to with Andy was not only the things I just mentioned but his negativity as well. I realized that in his mind he was just being honest, and it isn’t that I don’t appreciate the truth, but there’s a time to be honest and there’s a time to just accept and be happy for people. When you focus on nothing but the negative possibilities and aspects of things, people find you both annoying and depressing, almost as if you don’t want them to be happy.

Lastly, the immaturity got frustrating. We’re all young at heart in various ways. I mean look at me with my rainbow teddy bear. But again, too much is too much IMO, and oftentimes I felt like I was talking to a teenager.

So do I want to resume our friendship now that a year has passed? No, I don’t, and I don’t think he does either. I hope not for his sake. But I do wish him the very best.

Later…

Waved hello to Geri as I was out front watering the cactus that we plan to move into a bigger pot. It’s a large clay pot that was left here by the last owners.

We’re planning to finally do the floors next month. I’ve got a design in mind for the kitchen and one in mind for the laundry/bathroom area. Andy was the smarter one when it came to that. Yes, that’s the one thing he definitely got right that we didn’t… leaving only the bedrooms carpeted. Well, I’ll consider this the practice house. The next house will only have carpet in the bedrooms, all the walls will be white so no wall hangings clash with the colored walls, the place will be less busy so it’s less circus-like, and wooden blinds will be in the windows instead of these traditional blinds. Wooden blinds have a stick where you can open and close them in a split-second. With regular blinds, you have to keep winding and winding the stupid wand. Wooden blinds will also be sturdier whereas these are flimsy.

I was so glad to learn that they canceled Oktoberfest on Sunday, which the rain had prevented last month! I’m just amazed because I don’t usually get that lucky. One less thing to have to deal with.

It’s also been surprisingly quiet these last couple of days as far as motorcycles go. Didn’t hear the really loud car stereo tonight, but it might have blasted around when I was under the headphones.

I can’t believe how lucky we got with the new neighbors and how quiet next door has been for over a year now. This is a totally well-deserved compensation for the years we had to put up with one bad neighbor after another who just couldn’t shut up. To this day I have to ask myself… how did I not end up snapping and totally losing it on one of them? Everybody has their breaking point and we can only be pushed so far for so long. I’m just glad we escaped it before I could finally snap, storm over to them in the heat of the moment, and do who knows what.

The people next to the “Twenties” have red and green projection Christmas lights dancing across the front of their place and it looks really cool. Still think it’s way too early for that kind of thing, but that’s just how this country is… instead of waiting till it’s a few weeks away from an event, they start celebrating a few months in advance. It’s silly and annoying but I guess it’s harmless.

I was laughing at a couple of things I read. One said that you’re partly bigoted if you even so much as notice that somebody you may pass in the store or something like that is black. Oh, come on. How can you not notice any more than you can not notice if they’re white? Take Alyssa, for example, who just married black guy. Does anyone who knows her really think she’s unaware of the fact that Donte is black and consider her part racist? So… sorry but I gotta disagree with this one.

Then there’s the issue of what’s judgmental and what’s not. It’s human nature to form opinions on various things the instant we hear and see things throughout life. We do it subconsciously without even realizing it. It’s like that saying… opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got them. So I don’t think it makes us judgmental in a bad way because we may mentally decide that the woman at the bank wore a very pretty shirt while the guy down the street painted his house an ugly color. I think we only become judgmental in a bad way when we criticize others for being who/what they are and trying to force them to conform to what we think is right.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2016 Last night’s plans of enjoying the night away and into the wee hours of the morning turned into a long, luxurious sleep. It felt so good, too. Not sure why I tired down so early, but I must’ve slept longer than I have in ages. Like 10-11 hours. Didn’t sleep with my Fitbit on, so I don’t know the exact time.

Sarah’s health took a turn for the better and she’s now home. Good for her!

I was very active yesterday and this caused the muscle injury I’ve had for a few weeks now to flare back up. The one in my very lower left gut where the stomach meets the pubes. So I’ll limit what types of exercises I do for the next week to hopefully finally get rid of it for good. I’m like, come on, heal already!

After we returned from walking and running my heart fluttered more than usual. Like maybe a dozen palpitations instead of just a few. It was a little unnerving and might’ve been scary had I been alone. Hope it does this during my stress test next month so they can tell me if it’s harmless or not, though I think it’s pretty safe to say it’s probably harmless. I’m alive, aren’t I? Still, it was weird and I wonder if it should’ve done that or not.

My eyes have been itchy the last few days and the allergy eye drops I usually use for that didn’t help, so I used Tom’s artificial teardrops and that helped a lot.

Has Stacey literally dried up my tears by EMDRing me? LOL, I haven’t shed a tear since, though most of the tears I have shed over the last couple of years have been medically/hormonally induced. I think the last time I cried genuine tears of sadness was when my rat Sugar died. There were also tears of joy when I reunited with my family at the beginning of the year.

My light gray sweatshirt with the cat face arrived yet I was totally swimming in it so I gave it to Tom. It looks good on him.

Last night I dreamed I was walking down a long hallway and I glanced into a small room with an open door. The back wall of the room had a window in which I could see my dad sitting just outside of it on a chaise lounge on an enclosed porch patio of some kind.

I walked into the room to say hello. He was munching on some chips and talking on the phone with Mom. He handed the phone to me and my mother began talking but I don’t remember what she said.

Later…

And the loud car stereo has hit the scene. How can people still be “ok” with these things??? This is like the 6th night in a row this thing has been at it. They stop the music and start it and back and forth. You can tell they’re doing it just to piss people off.

Stepped outside to try to see where it was coming from, and it was right over the wall somewhere. Even a couple of other people came out to try to see what the fuck was up. I could hear the hot water tank door vibrating it was so fucking loud.

Someone’s finally GOT to do something about this shit, but when??? How many more decades is it going to take??? Do we have to wait till they’re loud enough to literally destroy windows and homes before action is finally taken?

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2016 Signing it at a sunny 65° after waking up just in time to hear the first motorcycle of the day tearing around the corner.

I’m worried about Sarah who has been hospitalized. At first I thought it was just a shoulder injury that they mentioned before and that they were just being their usual dramatic selves. But she actually has a bowel infection and the bowel is twisted. It’s fixable, which is nice to know, but it may require surgery to do it. Let’s hope not!

Tammy called and filled me in on what’s going on with everybody. That poor sister of mine is so overwhelmed now with all that’s going on. Wish she’d get the break she deserves! And Sarah, too. I hate to say it, but I’m so glad we never had kids. That’d just be one more (or more than one more) person to have to worry about.

Anyway, they thought she had a stomach bug at first, only she was in pain and not having the runs or any bowel movements at all. So Becky called the ambulance and Tammy shot on over. She was able to beat the ambulance since they were just a few minutes away. They had her on liquids at first, then let her order regular food to see if that would get things going. It didn’t. So they’re not sure what they’re going to do next, but Tammy said she’d keep me posted.

I learned something new about myself while chatting with Tammy. I knew she was 8 and Larry was 12 when they moved from Springfield to Longmeadow, but I thought I wasn’t born until after they moved to Longmeadow. She said nope, I was born when they were still on Willowbrook and how I was in her room, she had to put up with my shit, and she wanted to open the window and toss me out, hahaha.

Also, they found traces of asbestos in one of her lungs, which she suspects could be from the Willowbrook house and maybe the older Longmeadow house. Well, if she’s got traces, I might, too.

So I worry for them and I also worry about my numbers when I hit the labs next month. My TSH would have to float up to around 16 before I could tolerate 88mcgs without the killer anxiety. I hope it stays where it has been, though. It’s usually around 10.

As for my cholesterol… I know it’s going to be high. It’s just a matter of how high.

Said hello to Bob and Virginia yesterday when I saw them sitting outside the front of their place on the way to pick up the mail. She said she liked my purple pants and purple shoes. Damn, that woman has bionic eyes for an oldie to be able to tell my shoe color from where she sat on her patio. I never left the street as we spoke.

The only thing that shoots down the doctor’s jaw joint arthritis theory is that it not only seems worse when I lay on it but like the pain is more toward the surface. It almost feels like it’s in the area where what’s left of the upper part of the ear meets my head. But with the jaw being so close it could be deceptive as far as exact location, and we do lay on our jaw/teeth to a degree. People have had what they thought were earaches that were really toothaches, so who knows for sure?

Couldn’t take the dizziness yesterday when trying to fast so I had one of those nutritional cookies that still taste good but that’s loaded with protein, vitamins and minerals, and I felt MUCH better. By the end of the day, I’d consumed about 1200 calories and was down another half a pound when I got up. So even though I can’t go longer than 3-4 hours without getting dizzy, I still ate less.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2016 Lenore is still checking my blog as religiously as she is.

My new zebra pattern stockings fit well, but the skirt is too tight. It’s too bad too, because the skirt is surprisingly good quality for the price.

My sizzling pink sweatshirt fits perfectly and is also of good quality.

Peyton’s Rainbow dress looks great. Better than the dull outfit she came in.

The Neroli chamomile shower bombs I got smell wonderful, but they don’t last long. You’re supposed to put them in a spot that gets wet but that isn’t in the shower stream. Yet this isn’t very easy to do in the master bathroom’s tiny little phone booth shower stall. Just the water bouncing off of me pretty much hits every spot. That’s the thing I hate most about this house that I otherwise love. You have this 10 x 8 bathroom with this little teeny shower in it.

I slept kind of shitty the last two nights so I’m lightheaded again and may not get much done today other than the laundry. Part of that may be my fault. I got the bright idea to try to fast for the day. If you fast for just a single day here and there it’s supposed to be very beneficial. It boosts the immune system, detoxes the body, and boosts the metabolism. Long-term fasting has negative effects on the other hand.

Hunger pangs are one thing, but head rushes are another. I got up at 8:30 and at 11:15 my head was swimming, so I slammed on a yogurt. I take multivitamins every day which need to be taken with food, but that also has to wait 4 hours after taking my thyroid meds, so at around 1:00, I may have a little something. I just can’t do what I was able to do 30 years ago. Grrr.

Had a dream that Stacey surprised me with two or three letters, but I don’t know if the “letters” were postal letters or emails.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2016 Seriously? Now we’re up to THREE motorcycles on this circle alone where OLD people live?!

And damn the Twenties and their service vehicles and visitors! Argh! I won’t even get into the landscaping, planes and car stereos I heard yesterday as well, though the stereos aren’t in the park.

Anyway, I went to my ENT and was seen in the exam room by a new male nurse. He was very friendly and was also nice enough to use an old-fashioned blood pressure cuff on me. I hate the electronic ones. Ridiculous fear or not, I always worry they’re going to lose their minds and squish me to death. I’d rather rely on a human being than a machine for something like this. So I’m almost normal at 130/80. HR was 97, not surprisingly. Weight = fatty but I have a new plan of attack in mind for that.

The doctor recently married and her name has changed. The instant she stepped into the room and I looked at her face I thought, wow, she’s gained weight. Then my eyes moved downward. She’s pregnant, so that explains it, LOL.

So I told her my ear’s been really achy and I’ve had to oil it every day instead of a few times a week, yet when she looked inside everything looked fine. It didn’t even need to be cleaned of dead skin or anything.

She said the drainage I sometimes feel is probably allergies, and that I should return to my nasal spray. I stopped using it only because it’s not prime allergy time, but then why wait for the sneezing fits to strike, right?

She said she could refer me to other specialists if I’d like but that there was nothing that could be done about the achiness, which she said could be arthritis in my jaw. Hmm… she has a point there. I never thought of that, but it’s true that when it aches it is in the jaw joint area. She also recommended getting a mouth guard from my dentist in case grinding my teeth in my sleep, which I think I might do, is a factor. I don’t see my dentist till March, but I’ll definitely mention it to her. For now, I’ll keep up the daily oiling cuz it has helped as opposed to every few days.

Will return to my ENT in May. She still wants to keep up on it every 6 months, which makes me feel better as well.

Now I have to decide whether or not to carry on with NaNoWriMo, and maybe I’ll do some highlights on some old stuff, too. It just may be a few days before it’s posted.

Last night I had dreams about being stuck in Oregon with no way to contact Tom to tell him where I was and have him come and get me.

Then I had a ridiculously silly dream where next door’s house was even closer than it really is, and instead of their garage window facing our bedroom windows, there was a bathroom window instead. Tom was going to do something to their window late at night to keep their light from shining into our bedroom. Only problem was that there was a thorny rosebush he would have to work around in the dream. In reality, we have blackout shades/curtains. Works great. :)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2016 Had a nice half-hour walk in the fog this morning. Yesterday I met with Dr. S for the second and probably the last time. This is because, as I expected, there’s no cure for my type of circadian rhythm disorder and there really isn’t much more he can do for me other than recommend melatonin supplements and a LUX lightbox. Melatonin is only so helpful for so long, so I’m going to try the 10,000 LUX light he recommended I use for the first half-hour of my day to help set my body’s rhythm. I don’t think it’s going to get me on a schedule, but it may help, and since it’s not a medication or anything going into my body, why not? It’s safe. :-) It’s similar to a SAD lamp that people use to fight seasonal depression. I could have used one of those up in Oregon not that I was “depressed.” I was just rather blah, though, and didn’t have much energy.

Come to think of it, though, when we were in the RV on Bly Mountain on the 2.5-acre parcel of land we so briefly owned up in Oregon, I slept alongside a huge window. I would awaken with the sunlight that would stream into it as soon as it rose above the evergreens and junipers. So I wonder… if I lived outdoors as if it were primitive times, would I be on a schedule? Maybe not, since this disorder was discovered in blind people, after all.

I learned from him that there are different types of circadian rhythm disorders. One of them is a delayed circadian rhythm disorder where people can’t help but fall asleep and get up earlier than they like, like 6 PM to 3 AM, for example. There’s a late one too, where people go to bed and get up later than they’d like. Those won’t prevent you from working outside of the house like my kind does.

I told him that I would sometimes use Benadryl to help me sleep, but never cared for how groggy it could make me the next day and how long it would make me sleep. Even though I may wake up at times, I still average eight hours of sleep, so that much is good. He said Benadryl is best to avoid because it can affect cognitive memory. Back when I used to use it more often I had memory issues, but untreated hypothyroidism can cause that as well. My memory has improved tremendously with thyroid treatment.

I’m not even using lorazepam anymore. In fact, I’m almost certainly going to cancel my December appointment with the new shrink. I haven’t had anxiety for the better part of a year now that my medication has been regulated, so there’s no point in seeing him.

The sleep doc said that those who end up with Hashimoto’s usually start off with hyperthyroidism, and even though they never tested me for some reason back then, both Tom and I would be willing to bet that I did indeed have hyperthyroidism 20 years ago. I’ve always been a rather animated person, but I was WAY more hyper than I was now and my heart raced more often back then, too. It will get racy if I stop my meds, though, because as O pointed out, your heart can race if you have too little or too much thyroid hormone in you.

I have had palpitations here and there where the heart flutters noticeably hard for about three or four beats. Sometimes it seems to skip a beat or double up on beats, but I can’t say for sure that it is. That’s why I’m having a stress test in December. He said that some palpitations are harmless while others could put you at risk for stroke or heart attack. When we first moved to Cali I had them all the time, but when I checked online I found that more often than not, they’re harmless. Family history says I could have problems later in life, but right now I would be willing to bet that my heart is still just fine. I’m still relatively young, I’m active, I’m not obese, and I eat right most days.

So we have the LUX light, a new hand vacuum, new batteries for the scale, a new felt cube for the rats to nest in, and rat bedding on the way from Amazon since we’ll need it before the next bedding subscription arrives.

He also got some electronic-related stuff and I got some clothes. A black skirt, black zebra patterned pantyhose, a pink sweatshirt, a sweatshirt with the aurora borealis printed on it, and an ash-gray sweatshirt with a cat face.

I also got a rainbow dress for one of my 18-inch dolls and shower bombs. I guess you place the bomb on the shower floor away from the spray and it’s supposed to make your shower smell really good. I got the neroli and chamomile-scented ones.

Yesterday’s traffic and landscaping were totally obnoxious, especially the landscaping. I didn’t hear any motorcycles yesterday, but I have today. Figured I would, too.

Not sure I want to continue on with NaNoWriMo as I just don’t have any exciting ideas. That’s something I can’t really force. I either have a great idea to expand on or I don’t. More than likely I will just edit my last book.

I’m also not sure if I want to continue with my monthly bio project because it is just so much work to go through so many years of journals, pulling out the main highlights, etc. I’ll leave what I have posted so far which is up to mid-1993. I can always decide later on to continue with that if I want to, but if I do, it’s a project that could easily take a year or two.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2016 NaNoWriMo has begun but I haven’t. Yesterday I totally took a day off from life. I wasn’t fatigued; I just didn’t feel like doing much of anything. We all have those days every now and then. I did go out for a walk and I did do some things I usually do, but for the most part, I just sat around, goofed off, and was annoyed with the tech issues going on at Prosebox.

Change always equals tech issues. I understand that people want to keep perfecting and making things better, but sometimes things already are better and they should be left alone. There’s so much change online that it drives me batty at times. Amazon’s changed so much that I can’t even find where I stored my doc files. That’s okay, though, as I can always back things up on other sites. I just wish people would leave a good thing alone and remember that they wouldn’t have gotten users in the first place if they didn’t like the sites just the way they were.

The only popular site that I rarely use is Facebook. Never had an Instagram account either. I can’t do anything on Facebook without it being thrown in my friends’ feeds, and I still say it’s none of their business, as much as I love them unless I want to make it their business. So I rarely “react” or comment on things. Even if I could control who sees my activity as easily as I can control what I see of their activity, there’s nothing for me to really do there. I always hated their games.

Gotta see my sleep specialist today. Even though I’ve only seen him once, I still don’t see how he can help me. There simply is no cure for circadian rhythm disorder. If there is, it’s news to me. I guess I can update whatever he says later on or tomorrow. I mean I probably shouldn’t share anything health-related in public, but it really is no big deal. Oh, it’s a big deal if you’re cursed with having to live with it, but I know how so many people are… if they don’t get it, then it can’t possibly exist or it must be some grand lie/excuse. Well, it’s not my job to educate life’s little ignorants. :-) It’s just my job to live my life the best I can in a way that suits me best.

Didn’t hear any motorcycles yesterday, but as expected, the end of the rain brought out the blowers and somebody’s hammer, along with the usual spattering of car door slamming. So, little distractions but nothing maddening. It was raining in the wee hours of the night, but there’s only a 25% chance of rain during the day today.

I just asked Alexa what the temperature is in Springfield and it’s 26°! ROTFL!!! It’s colder there right now than in Klamath Falls. It’s 55° here right now. Still, I envy those in Florida and Maui right now.

[catcherwriter]

virtual diary entry 2;

i hate being a slow learner. it makes me feel stupid, and i’m aware i’m not stupid but i can’t help it, y’know? this morning i was sitting in math class and it seriously took me 3 minutes to figure out 6+8 because of how sick i felt for the majority of the day. so, as you can expect, being a slow learner and coming off a fever don’t mix well, and with my raging migraine i couldn’t get a kindergarten math problem that went along with my normal equation (it was transformations on a grid or smth.) i wish it was like my mental problems so i could help it with medication or something, but i can’t, i’m stuck feeling stupid and useless my whole life. or, currently, anyway. for me, it’s like the world is sprinting at 90 mph while my brain is walking, it’s always made me feel different and out of place, especially with my few friends that i have that learn way faster then me. i’ve felt that way my whole life so far, different and out of place. is there any solution to this? i’m not sure.

[nookishposts]

Seasons and Reasons

Getting older comes with loss. But we can hold space and make space at the same time, because life goes on in its way and all we can do is try to honour all of it's seasons.

Just this past week alone, I learned of the death of someone once very dear, reconnected with someone else very special from long ago, and ended a 27 year aspect of my self-identity.

About 35 years ago I developed an autoimmune illness that took 3 years to diagnose and another year or so to learn to manage. It was a scary and unpredictable time, but I was eventually able to return to school to become a masseuse and reflexologist, the thinking being that portable self-employment would give me the flexibility to deal with health flares as they came. It was a very good decision and those skills took me places I might not otherwise have experienced: including hospice palliative care. The personal mission I developed was to make hands-on body work accessible to people who might experience personal barriers due to physical and/or emotional trauma, dysmorphia, etc. I simply wanted to provide muscle comfort in a safe space. I understood through my own experiences the many barriers to becoming comfortable in one's own body. Everybody who ever graced my table taught me a great deal. I'd like to think that they helped me become more as a person, more empathetic, inclusive, and compassionate.

After 27 years, my neck and my hands have let me know they've had enough, through wrist cysts and compressed discs. If I am lucky I will get another 25-30 years on the planet and I don't want to spend them in pain because I didn't listen to my own body. I have been reducing my practice slowly for months, and a couple of days ago I finished strong with two 90-minute sessions back to back. I gave myself every advantage beforehand, a B12 shot, extra rest, Advil and lots of water. It was important to me to maintain my A game right till the final flourish. I came away very satisfied and of course a little sad. I sold my travel table, gave away a few tools of the trade and am deciding what to do with what's left. I will keep a few things around to help myself and my Beloved deal with our own aches and stiffness. I will continue to make my special salve. But, I also know that I will need to find something to fill the gap left by retirement of this sort; we tend to choose the professions we stand to gain the most from, and for 27 years, through assisting others, I came to some peace with my own traumas, my own body, my own sense of safety and comfort.

As we travel, we grow distant from certain people and places out of necessity and/or circumstance. I got word that someone who had been key in my younger adult life had died of an illness I wasn't even aware they had. While I express my condolences to her family and friends, I also selfishly wonder why I hadn't heard about it sooner, and if i could have helped make that transition any smoother. I wish I'd had some opportunity to say goodbye and a few other things. There is no doubt in my mind that she was very well supported.

Among the few people who did reach out to tell me about this individual's death was someone I would not have expected to hear from. Someone I'd hurt a long time ago , and whom I know has had some major losses and challenges of her own. The conversation was brief but kind, and I feel we both came away with the understanding that scar tissue, given time,becomes its own strength.

Between the two experiences, my mind overflowed with memories of a time in my life that was by turns, selfish and exhilarating. In our 20s, few of us have any clue as to who we are let alone who we might become or the effect we have on other people. At 62, I have a better idea, and I cannot help but cringe at so many of the things I did then that I would do so much differently now. That is what maturity brings; a bittersweet perspective. Forgiving myself is something I'm still figuring out. Funny how we can be kinder to others more easily than we can to the face in the mirror. We forget sometimes that we are mirrors of one another but seem to need a separate subset of rules. I think back to those youthful days and cannot help but smile at the antics, the drama, the sense of entitlement and immortality. In spite of my arrogant mistakes, I am grateful for the lessons that came with them. Grateful for a sense of humor that endures, and the unbelievable patience of those who have loved me in spite of myself. There is no going back. Wonderful memories soften the edges if we let them.

I'm figuring out how to make a living, most self-employed people have no pension to rely on and must keep working to satisfy needs that are far more important than financial. We define ourselves to a great extent by the work that we do and the company we keep. I am so damned lucky to have always found myself in good company even when I didn't know it at the time. The work with come, and so will more mistakes, more lessons, more understanding. Letting go, for the best of reasons, or even when we have no choice, is a lesson in humility. Its all about the threads in the tapestry we weave as we live; which by the time we die, will be substantial enough to keep us warm in the memories of others.