#it really makes me hate myself bc i have such a hard time to make friends | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

inkskinned · 1 year ago

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the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school.#like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it.#was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes.#but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create''#when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent.#speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice.#''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession.#''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt?#u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky''#we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''

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lunarharp · 9 months ago

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"Found out" set in kind of a made-up chapter where the girls are in trouble, or something.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #i hate having a strong cinematic image in your mind for months..working hours on it..& at the end looking you have to be like “Sure. :/"#i'm especially unsatisfied with the beginning and the end and how i can't get eyebrows to work as i want #but i dont care any more... this is probably the comic that has given me the most trouble ever i just dont care #i barely even care whatsoever if anyone even sees this..Ugh..but at least i can move on to the next era now #i'm just annoyed i cant get out good enough my image of qifrey flinching bc he thinks oru will hit him but then he is not hit #i feel like sensei will do something along these lines. i want to see what she will do.#there are also other variations i have in my mind. i just want to know #i just don't want it to happen with qifrey on his deathbed or something. but it possibly will. I DONT EVEN KNOW.#i have another very cinematic image in my mind for something sort of along those lines which i will do soon. it never ends...#btw after this is probably my fics. yeah.... i think it has to be my fics. jasmine sort of goes along these lines #i need that space for dialogue. look - i'm a writer. this is HARD for me. so i am really glad i had the space and freedom of words #to process all the feelings. but i tried to get something out in a quick visual space too. <- me defending myself to myself at cai court #anyway going along the lines of 'Jasmine' - they talk this out and argue and cry and oru pushes the hat at him and tells him #why not just erase every memory i have of you then. That would be easier for us all wouldn't it?#they kiss and sob and kiss and lie outside in the flowers for many hours in that one. and then there's 'Deep End' where it turns out #way way way way more time and words is needed for this actually and that's upsetting for everyone.#the destruction of the hat is certainly another path to take. Can you make this work without that hat going up in flames?#something you have always had and have been clinging to will have to be destroyed. You have to lose something now. This is the crux qifrey #I CANT GET IT OUT IN ONE COMIC!!! I CANT DRAW IT OUT!!!! I NEEDED THOSE FICS!!!! PRAISE WORDS!!!! whatever im going to have dinner now

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bunnyboy-juice · 22 days ago

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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner

#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr #me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel #and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need #space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time #but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single #Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was #much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh #i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups #and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that #definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him #its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh #cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did #like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess #guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here #and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno #we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff #that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting #i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it #i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu #anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu #publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago #n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus #being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the #stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)

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selfinflictedgunshotwound · 2 months ago

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i'm kind of amazed how most of the stardew marriage candidates just want you to be their manic pixie dream whatever by agreeing with everything they like and plying them with compliments or praise or whatever (which is fine but a bit. Much) but for shane his romance is just you being there for him while he figures his own shit out... dunno why i never wanted to romance him before he's so good

#i'm usually a sebastian kinda guy but i do think it's silly you have to say you like scifi to gain friendship points w him like cmon man #i will say though that. my bestie's baby daddy being named shane kinda does make it hard to like him 😭 unfortunate but not his fault #ik a lot of ppl are weird abt his recovery and his messy ass room bc they play stardew to make things look pretty or whatever #but i'm actually kind of glad he's a realistic depiction of addiction... the problem is his dependence on indulging in alcohol when he's #depressed not the fact that he drinks period... i think that a lot of ppl are unrealistic abt alcoholism (including me abt my dad's)#but concernedape did really good w him imo. anyways all this to say that i'm really glad shane never expects someone to be a certain way #i know most of the candidates are like. archetypes or whatever and i think that's fine they are very sweet and cute regardless but #i think maybe i didnt romance him before bc i related to him so badly that it hurt seeing myself reflected LMAO dead end life and being #suicidal about it like. i've never had a drug dependence but i'm not really in a position where i can ever make my own decisions anyways #but regardless. there is smth to someone who slowly warms up to you when they can't ignore your kindness any longer and have no reason to #act like an abused dog anymore which. does make me sad just to say but that is how he acts beforehand #idkkkkk idk i think people are always too caught up with his addiction and his messy room to actually see him without realizing that #getting better is a lot harder than it appears and that having a dirty room doesn't mean you aren't trying to be better. sigh #besides it's not like. the end of the world that he has a beer sometimes. have you tried going thru life completely sober? it sucks #ok im done LMAO but yeah i've found myself gravitating towards him this time around when i've romanced sebastian literally every playthru #til now. hmm!#ACTUALLY ONE MORE THING. i like how he's basically a twist on the classic useless husband trope in media where they love sports and drinking #but he's not a bad person and the only reason he's mean to you at first is because he hates himself and his own life and he makes an effort #the more you get close to him instead of the opposite. i like that a lot. ok now i'm done

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gayalanwake · 3 months ago

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sorry if I become extra annoying im kinda tweaking over being on my own for the first time sooooo I might let myself become extra indulgent 💔💔💔

#‘aren’t u already super indulgent’ you’d be surprised #everything will be tagged either fanfic bullshit or gayalanwoke if you wanna block 😭#sorry i kinda maybe sorta will be having a moment. for a while.#idk if I can call myself disabled. but like yall know I have diagnosed cptsd and suspected-autism #sooooooo #taking care of myself is. not easy. At all #I can hardly manage with my parents #and now . idk. basically my routine for the past 20 years is being disrupted and im not handling it well #not only that. just.#again like I said taking care of myself in general is really hard #AND I have . college now.#lord 😭#I’ve always been a straight a student in high school and community college right #four months after my cptsd developed? I dropped out of community college 🫠#bc I literally couldn’t handle it #that was last February #now im at a . four year school #so #im tweaking #like actually this time #and since hyperfixations are All Consuming . they are as helpful as they are debilitating yk #so like yes this show/the fic might contribute to education problems. buttttt it’ll also stop me from crashing out!!!!!#so . yeah. yall might be hearing a bit more from me 😵‍💫#or #I’ll become extremely self conscious and never follow through #sorry #this is so funny I’m freaking out that yall might be angry im posting abt stuff that makes me happy LMFAOAOO #THIS IS LITERALLY ALL IN MY HEAD LMAOOOO #yall: hey gayalanwake! what’s up? cool binder. hey gayalanwake! wanna come over to my house today? :D #me: they alllll hated me 🐺

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swinging-stars-from-satellites · 1 year ago

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why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?

#this is a genuine question btw I need advice bc I'm STRUGGLING. idk why everything makes me frustrated and angry #when I'm around my parents and it's SO hard to be kind and respectful to them and my sister #but so easy literally everywhere else #I hate that I'm like this I wish I could genuinely be a nice person but apparently the person #I REALLY am is the horrible selfish lazy brat I am with my parents.#even though it feels 100% easier otherwise APPARENTLY the real me is the one I revert to at home #but being nice away from home comes so naturally?? so is THAT the real me??? idk what to do I'm so frustrated right now #Lu rambles #can my mutuals please weigh in bc I feel like a terrible horrible emotionally illiterate person rn #bc of a conversation in which I fought with my mom over the fact that I have a hard time respecting my middle school aged sister #bc I don't want her (bold. confident. sometimes a little bit of a brat as well bc humanity) thinking she can walk all over me #the way she acts always makes me feel like she thinks she's better than me but maybe it's just my mindset. bc I KNOW #that my middle schooler sister IS better than me in most ways and I HATE that. how can someone #so much younger than me be better than me at basically everything she sets her mind to?#and how can I ever have confidence in myself when I know that's the case??? it's so frustrating!!#ugghdnfnsngsmkgnskfnskd I need advice and prayers. and probably to go to bed early tonight.

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phagodyke · 22 days ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

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nightmare8-420 · 24 days ago

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i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.

#is this a bad time to mention i dont even believe in souls?#i really dk why.#no this isnt abt jiro somehow apparently having a loving family #(ok like. at least 1/4 of it is BUT STILL. NOT THE POINT)#(part of me feels awkward abt it bc just. huh? youre telling me. this guy. that i basically am the irl version of. has a loving family???)#(/j and all but just. idk part of me feels awkward now? it just. a guy who blew himself up for most of the same ideals i have)#(gets to have the one thing i yearn so very hard for. everyday of my life. but can never have.)#(ill get over this in like. 2 hours. hopefully. most of thats just shock anyways.)#just. for the past some days. besides a couple things and people. hurt and love havent really. made me feel much of anything #like being cared for by actual ppl even online. yeah. it still does but #even my fantasies don’t entertain me anymore #oh god am i becoming lopt. save me fuck #UNLESS this means i get mason as my bf. then hell fucking yeah (kidding kidding kIDDINGG i dont wanna be lopt. please.)#but srsly. usually i can envoke some sorta reaction from myself if its brutal enough #but. nothing.#id assume that im over doing it usually. but i havent in a good while #maybe this is some what where my art/writers block is coming from #whatever this hell is.#time to go on a spiral of mildly depressing and somewhat cryptic posts (cryptic if i didnt info dump in the tags that is)#why is it so hard to confront issues when you dont even know what the issue is?#i just. wanna be able to make myself feel something.#not in a “i have no one but myself” way for once. just. i dont wanna have to rely on others for my emotions #i want to feel a pang of hurt. yet it feels so empty. i dont want to harm myself. i just want to feel it.#anyways ig.#ig im gonna just sleep #which tbh im growing to hate bc like. i feel all i do is sleep. i sleep to avoid how much my own body hurts. i sleep to ignore my issues #i sleep to ignore the fact i keep forgetting to respond to people even though ik i have to at some point. i sleep to avoid the dread of not #getting anything done. i sleep just because im bored.#and im tired of sleeping.#but. it feels worse awake. my body hurts. my mind hurts. it all just hurts.

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starswallowingsea · 7 months ago

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thinking of that post that's like being a picky eater as a kid just means i get to experience the joy of trying so many foods as an adult. i have some new foods planned for this week after i move including stir fried sweet and sour veggies + rice and omurice (really simple fried rice... may add veggies to it later if i like it but one step at a time). will let you guys know how it goes

#shay speaks #i want to try and eat healthier and its going to start somewhere on god #i tried doing this last year but living with someone else really hindered my mental ability to do that #mostly bc. she took up so much space in our fridge #having my fridge and freezer 2 myself is going to help a lot i hope. and no other people to walk in on me cooking #it's going to be a slow process but i want to have a better relationship with food #my other goal is to have at least one higher effort meal a week. if not more but at least one #higher effort than making like maccy cheese or pizza rolls yeah?#also i was in the middle of typing my tags when my parents called me up for dinner and then served smth that makes my arfid #flare up. which is meatballs. they marinated the meatballs in the sauce which does wonders for my brain thinking smth is inedible #meat is still a hard no most of the time for me so uhm. not fun.#too many awful memories around that in particular. same with alfredo lmao i've briefly mentioned why i hate alfredo here before #horrible horrible sauce do not put me in the same room as it please and thankies #anyway.

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gothsuguru · 7 days ago

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getting an iced pumpkin chai in the morning and then my personal goal is to spend the whole day writing and i hope i can come back to this post tomorrow and rb w how much progress i’ve made!!!

#i have a love/hate relationship w this fic and i’m gonna rant to myself bc hehe it’s almost midnight so why not :>#okay SO. i for some reason just didn’t create any proper outline for this story and i think that’s why it’s taken me so long to write it #because i don’t necessarily have a why/a REASON for this story or plot… like even thinking abt doing the dialogue and trying to find flow +#cohesion is making me so 😐 and also honestly… i’m terrible at doing drafts in the first place #i don’t write linearly i jump all over the place while writing and SOMETIMES i can connect things but this time i could NOT #and i would focus on one tiny part for SO long and make no progress anywhere else like GIRL……… ENOUGH #but hmmmm yeah i also for some reason feel like esp w my writing it’s super robotic and doesn’t have emotion #like i’m not writing w suguru’s voice and instead i’m writing as the author and it’s kinda irking me #if that makes sense… hmmmm……….. also i might be doing dual pov so hopefully it doesn’t look too wonky #but yeah 😭 i need to work on scene setting & describing things effectively + doing show not tell #like i just made a mini outline rn and wow . it’s Not it at all 😭😭😭 there’s no WHY to the story and it’s making it hard to write #okay not necessarily a ‘why’ but like . What’s The Point of the story #sigh. i need to figure that out #also there’s so much stuff i want to add but i feel like it’ll be clunky + it’ll move fast or be weird #but my goal for tomorrow is truly and honestly write the meat and bones of it and then i can edit ruthlessly later on #i was thinking of getting it out this week but i forgot election week/don’t have anything really written either 😭#but hopefully next week if i try hard enough! the goal is before december bc i want this to be a november fic #but yeah that’s my mini vent @ me i’m glad to just talk abt in the tags #feels like for this story specifically it’s been a lot of looking at my docs instead of writing which is WHACK 🤨#also i don’t like my writing style + i want to write better in GENERAL #that’ll come w practice & doing it often though 😭#ALSO . SIDENOTE but why does tumblr not let me link things anymore like NDNDNDND SO STUPID #OOOOH AND . i need to start/finish selfship moodboards & also create wip lists for geto/gojo/toji but for REAL #as in wipe i’ll actually plan to write next not just ones i like the sound of 😭#ANYWAYS I’M SO SLEEBY……… honk shoo mimimi cult leader geto please pat my head to sleep and be kind to me #GIRL THIS IS LONG AS HELL OMFG . silence @ me 🤫 what a YAPPER #personal

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alsojnpie · 1 year ago

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it takes so fucking little to trigger the most despairing rejected feelings inside me. this is so lame

#i used to get around this by never interacting with anyone for any reason #that is still my default state but I'm fighting it #but fighting it means i have those feelings and having those feelings makes me rip myself apart emotionally #unless i work really hard to not do that which is so annoying #when if i had just avoided everyone in the first place i wouldn't have to deal with it #that's part of what makes having an imaginary friend so meaningful to me.....#have you ever heard that song 'I'm glad you're evil too'. for stupid sad wet people like me it's really really everything #just to share love with one person #but that's why i hate that i can still be affected like this because i know exactly how little it really matters and still i can't stop it #in times like this normally i would just go run for an hour bc it's impossible to be sad during and after a good run but i can't today :(#so instead I'll set my feelings free here. sorry for existing in front of you

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deviousdiesel · 3 months ago

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#so that dotd rewrite is out and i have some thoughts on it but i wouldn't know where to put them.. maybe in here bc i don't actually feel -#- like making a whole ass text post. this is coming from me as criticism and not hate.. just some crit from one fan to another if you get m #SPOILERS AHEAD >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>#first off props to the team because this was obv a labor of love - 4 and a half years to make a feature long fan movie is hard work #and the animated stuff was a really nice touch and very commendable - you don't see them too often in big fanworks #in terms of the story well.. there are some things i like and some things that i don't (personally) again no hate #i'm aware this is a rewrite and boy howdy it IS a rewrite - though i am a bit sad that percy doesn't end up being the protagonist and it's #- thomas that has to play hero again.. like i kinda get it but what made the original dotd stand out was that percy was given the spotlight #so i spent an ungodly amount of time wondering when percy was gonna take charge or step into the main story to resolve the problem.. sigh #i liked that they tried to give norman more of a character bc a lot of characters do often get neglected in the series but it was kind of -#- hard to sell that for me? the twist in this rewrite was very creative and i do appreciate it but i guess it just ain't for me #“different” is ok and this is just one of many fan rewrites for this particular story #if there was something i enjoyed.. i guess the beginning was still kind of exciting because the set up was honestly like hype a bit #i liked that diesel and d10 actually got to interact face to face and there are clearer dynamics established for the diesels #and also. silverband's performances as d10 will always be fun he does a fantastic job voicing him (how d10 stole xmas will still be my fav)#my criticisms for this movie also derive from the pacing and the voice acting - i found it hard to try and understand tones sometimes -#- because the delivery felt so off.. like don't get me wrong not everyone in the fandom is a voice actor but if we're using static faces -#- for these fan works the delivery has to be a little more clear or else it'll sound like you're reading from a script.. sorry yall :"|#for the pacing i found it a bit hard to parse when some things were going on and how fast things were progressing #as well as the crashes.. that's also another thing bc i couldn't tell bc of the sfx and audio balancing - it could be better..#i wanna say. muffled voices do not substitute for a “far away”/off-screen voice bc i still can't hear it :“|#there were a lot of throwbacks and references to older thomas media/movies but some of them felt a little.. much?#if this is a dotd rewrite why are we getting some parallels with tatmr.. but i digress. at least they made diesel beef with duck a bit #there's a lot more i could say but i'm keeping those to myself. at the end of the day this fan movie was hard work for everyone involved #and you can tell some of the folks were having fun in there - props to them! i'm always glad to see more fan works in the community #we've come so far we're making feature length fan stories and rewrites that's crazy! i hope to see more in the future #fauxtrainpost.txt

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stellacadente · 4 months ago

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i realized how much it scares me that my mind will convince itself of even the ugliest things if i start thinking them often enough and it's... yeah. like i had a good session with my psychiatric rehabilitation therapist i think it was very useful but then at the end i got hit by this feeling of fear... like i'm so scared of myself and how low i can get

#like i convinced myself the only way to deal with my pain and my problems was to attempt suicide so people would know i was suffering #bc i wasn't able to tell them #and i really really for real believed it and i did exactly that and it's very scary to think my mind can get so twisted and believe these #distorted versions of reality or twisted ways to get what i need or all the negative things i think of myself #and like i guess this is just part of working on getting rid of these beliefs. that i'm realising just how deep in them i am and that it #scares me #but it's not a nice feeling. i'm really trying not to judge myself for it that's not useful. i'm still learning how to not judge myself #for every little thing but god it's hard i'm so used to thinking i'm too much or not enough or too emotional or too stupid or inadequate et #just every bad thing under the sun #but even trying my hardest to mantain like a non judgmental view of this issue... the fear is the hardest part rn #it's just... i don't even know who i am? and that's also something we're gonna work on and started to a little #but i don't know who i am and so i just believe abt myself whatever the situation leads me to believe. whatever my bpd leads me to believe #whatever others lead me to believe #and the last one especially is perhaps my biggest issue. i don't know myself and i don't like what “myself” currently is and i live for #other people i live to please others i do things so others will like me or at least not dislike me so i can hate myself less #and really that's no way to live. and this is something this therapist is making me realize and understand #but it's just seriously so.... scary all of this all of this realizing i'm just an empty vessel that i fill up depending on the person i'm #interacting with and that i am.. nothing. like not nothing but like nico is not a formed person. i have molded myself to other ppl's tastes #and needs and if i try to look beyond that there's just this void or at least this question mark #i don't think i have like no personality? but well i do have a personality disorder so that's fucked me up! and it's! aaaa!!#if i think about the things i have convinced myself of by sheer repeating thek to myself all the time in my dark moments...idk #and like it was manageable when the dark moments had reduced and i was relatively okay. but as soon as i got bad again... oh #it started being a constant bombardment of negative talk to myself abt myself and a constant telling myself #well pretty much that there is no worth to be found inside myself. so unless this pain somehow goes away by itself i'll kill myself #that was basically my train of thought every day multiple times a day for months and months #that is scary!!!!!!!! that is so!!!! i'm so #sorry this is a mess. i'm trying not to cry bc i'm at my parents' house and my father's around but. yeah. just lots of feelings #and again it's probably normal i mean talking about these things is good! but feelings are bound to arise and some are hard to deal with #suicide tw #sorry i forgot the tw in my being upset in the moment

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twinknote · 5 months ago

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ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha i think i'm going to go. Actually insane

my brother's gf's parents just put in an offer on a house for them today and it was accepted! and anyone who is not deeply mentally ill and traumatized and disabled and stuck living with their shitty fucking parents in their shitty fucking moldy decrepit hoarder's house would be happy for them! and i'm Soooooooo not! i fear i need to be kept 1,000 feet away from their happy celebratory housewarming shit bc it makes me want to kill everyone and then myself! like my mom texted me that they got the house and i immediately just started having a mental fucking breakdown and laughing and crying hysterically!!!!!!!!

like wow that's awesome!!!!! that's so awesome that you have rich parents who can just. randomly decide to buy you a house!!!!! that's so cool and good for you!!!! it would be so cool if my parents even had a decent house that isn't full of mold and bugs and mice and probably asbestos and has no usable dining or living room because they're piled with random fucking shit!!!! it would be so cool if some evil rotting smell didn't waft through the vents regularly!!!! it would be so cool if they were functional and capable of cleaning!!!!! it would be so cool if they were able or willing to help me live literally anywhere else, or GOD forbid realize that maybe living here isn't good for me!!!! that would be SO awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but it's So cool that your parents bought you a 3 bedroom house on a whim 👍 it's so cool that my brother gets to live there without having to go through any of the barriers that come with buying a house. it's so cool that people are just able to make money and live in safe and comfortable places and both of those things feel entirely impossible for me to the point where i truly just feel like i'm not meant to be happy or even just safe and sane. it's so cool that people just magically get their basic needs met and i'm just over here like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha i'll never have that! that's awesome 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

#i know that like. they are in The Most privileged situation Ever and that i also have a Great amount of privilege to just be able to have #a roof over my head and food to eat and a fucking Car #like i hate coming across like i have No privilege and i'm The Most oppressed person to ever exist #it just. Really sucks to see other people just Magically get their needs met when i am fighting So fucking hard #and it just feels like it's Never going to happen and i'm just going to nerf myself before i get to access safe and sane housing #i think i do truly need to set a boundary about not being involved w any of this for the time being. which is going to be a whole Thing #bc my mom will be like Why??? Why can't you just be happy for them??? if you were a Good Sibling you would celebrate #and i can't really just be like Well actually living here makes me want to nerf myself every day and hearing abt them getting #this house makes me want to nerf myself x1000 and also take you with me 👍 Hope this helps!#Whatever ig i just need to be extra careful w myself. and my therapist is out of the office this week :)))))))))))))#That's Awesome!!!!!#no shade to jaxson u do u boo. i just require your support and services #ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#if anyone can relate hmu bc i feel like i'm Actually insane #ventnote

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hauntedbythenarrative · 5 months ago

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#why everytime i stumble upon content about being bi it makes me really want to stop being bi?#i'm already dealing with medical trauma and sa and now i also have to feel bad about myself bc i'm bi??#like no thank u #my plate is full #also #i hate people saying just stop choosing shitty guys and choose a sweet one #i was assaulted by one that initially looked sweet #bc guess what? they always look sweet in the beginning #that's part of their plan #sorry if i have an hard time trusting men after living in a world where a good chunk of men do extremely damaging things #uuuuugh #it's survival instinct not hate #and there are also problems with girls too that are too long to articulate in a tag section vent #i wish i could just exist in a world where attraction and having a partner isn't a big deal so my brain could detox from this damn #way of thinking that is pretty engrained #and dw i have 2 therapists atm so ig #maybe at least one of them can help me but like everything's complicated #my health has been shit for too long for my liking and my brain is slowly melting from my ears and i have random panick attacks and i just #want to exist without triggering content popping up from nowhere #emma and her stupid vent

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hella1975 · 2 years ago

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yes im trying not to be so mean yes im working on my temper but under no section of my Healing Contract does it mention that these things must apply to my sister. in fact if you read the fine print it says im actively allowed to make her miserable. for my mental health

#she's so mean all the time like constantly telling me im stupid and shit #which probably didn't hit as hard before this econ degree but now every time she does it im just kinda like :/#and i laugh it off obvs bc am i fuck about to look put out by it #so she genuinely doesnt have any reason to stop bc ive not set any boundaries or communicated or yk. done anything correctly #i instead just let it frustrate the fuck out of me until one day im in a bad enough mood that i'll give as bad as she does #which i HATE bc as tough shit as she thinks she is i always think being mean - specifically the primary school way she does it -#is SO embarassing as a conflict method like girl 'you're stupid' is really the best you can come up with? bffr 😭#like when i say IM mean and SHE'S mean im talking about very different things #im mean less often than her but when i do it it's effective bc i literally catalogue people's insecurities and use them against them #like some fucking anime villian like it's actually uncomfortable to watch and i hate myself every time #whereas her way is effective bc it's all dumb comments ANYONE could make but she says them repeatedly until she wears you down #and of the two methods they're both shit but at least my way isn't cringe LMAO #so if i ever get so frustrated i revert to her method i just get v annoyed with myself like IM better than this she might not be but i am #and we've just been moving things in the garden with mum which is a flashpoint anyway #and me and my sister were just GOING at each other and it was all jokes until i said something she didn't like #and she was like 'what's your problem? it's fine when we're joking but you always take it too far' girl.#like i cannot accurately explain on here how ridiculous that statement is coming from HER #and if id said something actually horrible id get it but the convo was literally just #her: mum can i wear your watch for the chem ball coming up?#me: why do you need a watch for that?#her: ive got a dumb tan line on my wrist that i want to cover #me: i really dont think anyone is going to be looking at your wrists #THAT WAS IT LMFAO??? YOU HYPOCRITICAL LITTLE BITCH #ironically i had a field day with it like her saying that was the worst thing she could have done #latched onto it like a bloodhound fr my eyes must have lit up #i was like 'dont be such a baby' which is basically a fucking trigger word in our house #thought she was gonna hit me with a spade <3 peace and love on planet earth #godddddd i cant wait for her to go back to uni i HATE sharing a room i cannot escape her she's literally here as i type #i hope she knows im slagging her off to my niche online micro-community #hella goes home

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