#it never got better cause it never fucking gets better and it makes me feel so insane

[worthlessnepenthes]

So I reblogged this because it’s funny but then I thought about YQY for a second, and reblogged again so I could talk.

This isn’t going to be any new, profound thoughts for the fandom I’m sure but they’re new to me and I wanna talk for a minute.

I, personally, do not like YQY. I don’t HATE him, but I don’t like him. But I do feel sorriest for him, out of all the SVSSS and PIDW characters. I often forget that when he left SJ, he too was a literal child. Yes, he probably could have done better—told his master he needed help to save his brother, heck, told a fellow shidi or shixiong once he got to the peak. He was probably popular. I can’t imagine no one would have been willing to help him. But he was also a child, so I forgive him. He suffered and hurt himself, grievously, permanently causing himself a chronic condition in his attempts to get back to DJ. I don’t know that I think he did everything he COULD, but I do believe he did everything he THOUGHT he could.

And then Shen Jiu shows up, much like a feral cat, and constantly lashes out and hurts YQY. Their strained relationship is absolutely caused on both ends. It’s hard to say, ‘Well, YQY should have just KNOWN that SJ wasn’t going to the brothels to sleep with whores/didn’t kill LQG/wasn’t abusing Ning Ning/whatever other terrible things he was accused of,’ when SJ was, in fact, very verbally abusive and physically abusive to at least one disciple (lbh. Do we even get a canon reason WHY he hates him so much?), and verbally abusive to YQY, and to most likely many other characters.

However, maybe if YQY had actually stood up for SJ and said ‘No, this is a misunderstanding, this is not what happened,’ instead of just assuming that SJ had done whatever terrible thing and then covering for him in a sense of guilt, maybe things wouldn’t have been so bad. Or if YQY said, ‘take out your anger on me, it’s all my fault, but leave the others alone’. (It wasn’t, and SJ is wrong for acting this way.)

Honestly if they had ever fucking COMMUNICATED instead of just assuming the actual fucking worst of each other, while still deeply loving the other (in whatever romantic or platonic way they had, they loved the other) no matter whether they ever said it or not, a lot could have been avoided. Like PIDW YQY’s death.

Or hell, if Airplane had ever written about Xianxia mental health care instead of probably curing depression with papapa!

But the relationship between SJ and YQY is almost worse and more horrifying after SY comes through. YQY KNOWS it isn’t SJ, but every test they do show he isn’t possessed. So maybe it really is SJ, and all SJ needed to become happy was simply…to forget almost everything, but especially any time SJ and YQY spent together before they became Peak Lords.

So YQY is still trying to make it up to a person that he both thinks is there and thinks is not there, never knowing for sure. Every emotion he has towards this ‘new’ SJ feeling like a betrayal, ‘if only SJ could have acted like this before!’

Yeah. It’s really horrifying. He never gets the comfort of knowing for certain that SJ is gone, never gets to properly grieve and burn incense for him. But he also always feels just slightly off kilter with SY, and then feels guilt, because this is SJ! And even if it isn’t…what can YQY do about it?

YQY has many sleepless nights, wondering, after SY shows up.

I don’t like YQY, but I feel sorry for him. He is the most pitiful character in the book to me.

Shen Qingqiu, pissed off during a peak lord meeting: when I die I want Shang-shidi to lower me into the earth, just so he can let me down one last time

Shang Qinghua: bro c'mon

Yue Qingyuan, abruptly overcome by jealousy so intense that he's on the verge of a qi deviation: but I thought I was the one who let Xiao Jiu down the most...?

[nodoubtily]

reader trying to take control but niki puts her in her place? 🫠🫠

TW:// angry sex so MDNI, bratty reader, annoying as fuck reader, possessiveness if you squint, choking, bulge kink, vulgar words and language, usage of pet names (good girl, bitch, slut etc..), thigh fucking. NOT proofread. Lmk if I missed anything!!

ALSO I FORGOT I HAD THIS ANON ASK IN MY DRAFTS TEEHEE here u go pookie 🫶

Fucking brat.

You’d like to say you don’t know how you got in this situation. But see, that’d be a lie.

The day started like any other. But that quickly changed, as seemingly everything got on your fucking nerves. And Niki did not know why. You weren’t on your period- you had met him know that (by snapping at him that you weren’t). You had a good night of rest, and Niki knew he hadn’t done anything because he’s carrying on with the routine he’s imprinted in his mind, and you’ve never been angry at him for that before.

So he was really confused, to say the least. And as the day progressed, you only became more bratty. More independent. Which, in hindsight, should’ve shown how the night would go. But all Niki wanted was to make you feel better. So he dealt with the snarky responses, the groans of frustration and the constant eye rolls. He powered through, as today was probably just a bad day. His turning point would boil over soon enough though…

“I don’t fucking know?” You retort, venom dripping through your teeth. Niki sighs, pushing through.

“Baby..” he tries a new approach, slowly walking to your stiff body. His hands find your waist, and he pulls you slowly to him, pressing you against his body. His breathing calm, hands cold and eyes wider. You, still breathing fire, try to push him away, but you both know you don’t really want him to.

“Want me to make you feel better?” His voice is soft when he speaks, edging his face closer to yours. You scoff.

“I don’t care.” You shrug. He nods, gently wrapping his hand in yours, interlocking fingers as he leads you to your shared bedroom. He takes you to the bed, laying you down on your back, hovering over you. His lips find yours, in a slow kiss that turns more desperate.

He begins a trail of kisses down your jawline, to your neck, nibbling at the pulse, before making his way below. His hands bunch at the hem of your (his) shirt, lifting it as his kisses progress to your abdomen. You sit up slightly so you can pull the shirt off completely, leaving you bare, the cold air awakening your nipples. He stops at where your pajama shorts start, seeking silent permission with his eyes.

You tsk. “I haven’t stopped you yet?” He takes that as a yes, ripping your shorts down your legs. He’s internally shocked, seeing the sight of your bare pussy. You weren’t wearing panties. “Well?” Your hands clasp onto his hair, pulling his head down. Niki feels his blood spike, anger rising silently, almost as if it wasn’t there.

His tongue laps at your folds, awakening your pussy. Then, with no warning, his lips grasp your clit, sucking harshly. Your legs twitch, your thighs closing around his head mercilessly. A loud, short moan erupts from your throat.

“Give me more…” even now you’re still demanding. Niki allows you to take control, planning on tiring you out until you’re not longer a rude girlfriend, but you only seem to be getting worse now you’re getting your way again. Shit, Heeseung Hyung is right. Niki does spoil you.

Niki’s fingers trail along your entrance, and your hips buck into his face more. “Don’t fucking tease me..” with that, he elicits a moan out of you again when he shoves his middle and index finger inside at once. “Fuck!” You exclaim. Pulling his head back, you glare at him. “Prep me next time, fuck.”

He continues to ignore that, admitting to himself that was a moment of pettiness. He did not like that fact you pulled his away, just to shove back where it was. The breaking point was when you tried degrading him. “My little fucking slut. Eating me out ‘cause I’m angry. Maybe you should’ve have been a fucking lest today.”

And just like that, Niki rips his head away from your cunt, opening your legs wider. You groan, that turns into a pained whimper as Niki lands a slap to your cunt. “Shut the fuck up.” You’re gagged.

Niki gets off the bed, stripping himself of his clothes, before returning to his previous position.

“What the hell are you-“

“What did I say?” His voice cuts through yours, and you, as if a stubborn child, plop on your back, arms folded, huffing in annoyance. “Keep quiet if you want me to even think about letting you cum.”

“I’m going to cum.” You snap back.

“Not with this fucking attitude you’re not.” His voice replicates yours, and you take offence to it, as if that’s not how you’ve been speaking all day to him. When you don’t have a response, he hums. “Already doing better.” His hand wraps around his cock, stroking it a few times to get it really hard, before lining his tip to your entrance. You breath hitches, waiting for the stretch, but huff again when you don’t get it.

“What are you doing?” You ask.

“Beg.”

“I’m sorry? What?” Your voice is laced with shock. “Beg?” You mock.

“Beg me to even slide the tip in.” Niki teases his tip along your slit, applying pressure every now and then. At the lack of response, he rests his cock on your public bone as his hands grab the outside of your thighs, slamming them together around his shaft. He starts rocking his hips, his body meeting your thighs as he fucks himself with your thighs, barely scraping your clit as his balls slam against your entrance, which is already leaking with arousal.

Niki’s head falls back, the sensitivity getting to him as he becomes more vocal, little groans leaving from his chest.

“Put it in..” you whine, attempting to pull your thighs away, but he’s too strong.

“Beg me to.” He repeats, unbothered. “Or I’ll just cum like this and leave you to your own fingers. You can finger yourself as long as you can, not even reaching to your orgasm because you’re so pathetic to point you need me for everything.”

“Fuck! Whatever. Please.” Niki doesn’t relent, your clit throbbing with need as he continues to use your thighs for his own satisfaction.

“You don’t want to fucking cum?” He chuckles mockingly. “Fine by me.” He speeds up even more, which gets you more desperate.

“No please! I want to cum. I need to cum! I want you inside! Please fuck me. Need it so bad— please!” You relented, your need to feel him overpowering everything else. He stops straight away, wrenching your legs apart again.

“Was that so fucking hard?” He spits as he slams his cock in one go. He bottoms out quickly, giving you the courtesy to adjust. He doesn’t give you long though, adamant on fucking the brat out of you.

His hips pull back to the point he almost slips out, before he slams back in, jolting your body, bouncing your tits. He continues that a few more times until he works you both up a bit more.

“So fucking rude. All day, so rude to me as if I wasn’t doing everything to help you.” His frustration fuels his stamina even more, thrusts hard and merciless, knocking the wind out of you. “Did this shit wrong, did that wrong. Was never enough for your bitchiness.” Loud, shaky gasps and whines left your mouth, feeding on every word he throws at you, causing your cunt to throb even more.

“You dirty girl. Clenching on my cock like a hungry whore. Be glad you’re even getting it. Should just cum in you and fuck off.” His mouth only releases dirty words, the smell of sex quickly flooding the atmosphere.

“G-gonna,” you find difficulty remembering how to speak, mind only on Niki and his big dick.

He laughs again, sneering at you, ostracising you. “Already fucked stupid and I’ve barely even started.”

“Gonna c-cum.” Your voice is whiny, pleading. Your eyes widen in desperation, scared he’ll deny you of the pleasure. “Please, god. Baby, please let me fucking cum. Want to make a mess on you, fucking please.” Your voice is heaving, heavy sighs and desperation flooding your speech.

“Make a mess on me, hm? Wanna coat my cock with your slick? Decorate our sheets with your liquids?” He asks, hands creeping along your body. One finds itself wrapped around your neck, applying pressure every few seconds before realising. The other palms your lower abdomen, causing you to cry out in pleasure as he feels his bulge, pressing it even tighter in your hole. “My pretty cocksleeve. My stupid whore. You’re all fucking mine.” You nod, albeit with difficulty due to Niki’s hand, but you nod needily.

“You’re cocksleeve. Your whore. Want all of it— please!” Your hands grasp his biceps for support, feeling unsteady as his hips bash into yours without much thought.

Niki suddenly pulls out, and before you get the chance to ask why, he flips you into your stomach, manhandling you so the side your face is pressed against the pillow, your ass lifted as high as your arch in your back will allow. Niki lands a few slaps to each of your ass cheeks, before sliding in once more. This new angle reaches deeper, and you both collectively moan loudly. Both his hands rest on your hips, fucking into you from behind as your moans are muffled by your hair and pillow.

“Want to cum?” He asks.

You nod quickly. “Yes! Yesyesyesyesyes—“ your eyes roll back, pussy exploding all over Niki’s cock as you tremble through your orgasm, riding it out as he fucks you through it, prolonging it. “Fuck yes—! Thank you so much, thank you so fucking much, baby.” You thank him, before the overstimulation overwhelms you, and you whine again.

“I’m gonna cum.” Niki announces, hands everywhere, before one again wraps around your throat, pulling your body up from the bed, flushed against your back whilst the other works his fingers over your puffy clit. “You’re gonna cum with me.”

You shake your head. “T-too sensitive.” You beg.

“You’re going to cut with me or I pull out.” You nod, arching your back so he hits you G-spot once more. His tip abuses that soft pad, working your way to your other orgasm as he speeds up, including his fingers. He keeps this up, until he presses his hips flush against your ass, shooting his hot whiteness deep inside of you, more seeping out as your orgasm prolongs once more. “Fuck. You’re so fucking tight, baby.” He sighs, panting as he continues riding your highs together.

“Mm-fuckkkk.” You’re absolutely fried. Your body plops onto the bed once more when Niki lets go of you, legs shaking and quivering as you forget to do anything else but lay.

“Feeling better?” You nod at his question. “You’re not going to be a bitch anymore?” He asks you again. You shake your head. “Good girl.” Niki doesn’t expect anything more from you, and you’ll most likely apologise for it tomorrow when you’re in the right mindest, most likely resulting in your kneeling between his legs.

I literally forgot this existed…I’m so sorry what the fuck.

perm taglist — @jyikeu @goldenretrieverjakezgirlbaby

[snickerdoodlebaby]

Thanos/Choi Subong NSFW Headcanons

Warnings: NSFW (18+), smutty, substance use, manipulation (this takes place pre-games btw!)

I imagine you two to have a friends with benefits situation. Subong doesn’t like commitment and the sexual tension between you guys is too intense to ignore.

His motto is “tits or ass? why not both?”

Would love to get you to smoke weed with him, especially the lazy messy makeout sessions that ensue during it

Has tons of experience. Don’t worry, that translates to veryyy good things for you in the bedroom, he’s so goddamn good at eating pussy.

Loves your legs over his shoulders, pressing your legs to your chest, mating press, anything that evolves him feeling up your soft legs/thighs and bending your body in half.

Doesn’t take off his cross while he fucks you. It dangles between you two as he’s above you, resting coldly on your boobs when he leans down to connect your mouths in a sloppy kiss.

Can be mean in the bedroom, but mostly very cocky and just loves to see you embarrassed and flustered. Loves the huge ego boost he gets when you cover your face in embarrassment or you can’t help the cute pathetic noises leaving your lips. You’re so cute! He’s not below making fun of you until you pout with your plump bottom lip out, and he loves to tease.

Loves when you whine his name out, “Subong…” and give him your pleading puppy eyes. He’ll grin widely and pinch your cheek, sometimes giving you what you want. Most of the time makes you beg for it while you try to hide your blushing face.

“Beg Thanos if you want it so bad.”

Will refer to himself in the third person cuz he’s silly and cocky like that

I imagine him living the high life in a mansion before he lost all his money to crypto. It’s big, modern, lots of marble and granite. Throws tons of parties where everyone gets shit-faced. Loves loves loves you being there so he can sling his arm around you the entire party. If you’re a party girl you’ll be living the dream everyday of your life. If not, well, you better get used to it, the drug scene and all.

That being said about his house, his room is a stark contrast to the rest of his place. Dim lights, neon signs along the walls spelling out his name in Korean and english, dark red walls and black accents. Various music equipment lying around, a futon (his favorite place to get blowjobs from you), a few weights, and his king-size black bed which is never made. Smoke almost always clouds the room creating a dream-like atmosphere. It always smells like weed or sweat in there and his floor is covered in clothes (some of them being yours that you forgot about).

LOVES LOVES LOVES IT when you wear one of his shirts and just panties. It’s so oversized on you and hangs off one shoulder. He thinks you look so sexy like that. Your favorite shirt to borrow is his neon green one, it smells so good, so Subong.

Pretty fit but not overly muscular. He’s got great pecs and loves to walk around shirtless ‘cause he knows you’re so weak for it (and just because).

So often you’ll show up at his place and he’ll be lazily walking around without a shirt on and a baggy pair of shorts slung low on his hips, far enough to see the brand of boxes he’s wearing. His cross laying on his bare chest between his pecs. Makes your legs wobbly.

He’s constantly got scratch and claw marks down his back from you. And lovesss to show it off.

Loves to pay for you to get your nails done (so you can scratch him with em), honestly loves to pay for your everything and I can see him using money recklessly to show off. Will never let you buy anything when you’re with him.

Will be trying to get you to use. If you don’t already, he’ll see it as a conquest to corrupt you. He knows it’s bad and doesn’t really care, he’d love to bring you down to his level if it meant you two could feel good together. Will definitely be manipulating you into taking a pill from his cross.

“C’mon baby, it’ll make y’feel so good. Ya trust me right?”

Gives you substances through sexual methods only. Popping a pill in his mouth and kissing you, pushing it through your lips with his tongue. Putting a pill on his tongue and sticking it out for you to lick off. Blowing smoke & vapor into your mouth.

Has a thing for your mouth and lips. The view of your lips stretched around the base of his cock is his favorite thing in the world. When you leave lipstick stains on his pelvis he doesn’t want to wash it off afterwards.

This man has a tattooed and pierced dick — he has no shame and a high pain tolerance. He has a dark solid line running down his shaft (like the one on his neck), a ladder piercing and a stud at the tip (like a Prince Albert piercing). You couldn’t lie, it intimidated you when you first saw it, your eyes going really wide when it sprung out of his boxers. He laughed above you at your reaction, a lopsided smirk forming on his face. How was that gonna feel inside of you…? “M’gonna make you feel so good baby.” Turns out he was right, it felt fucking fantastic.

Nicknames he has for you include baby, babe, senorita, flower, mamacita when he’s feeling playful. In bed it’s my slut, whore, Thanos’s whore, plaything. “My bitch” when he’s drunk or on strong substances.

Wants you to get a tattoo of his name so fucking bad. Has brought up the idea in passing a few times, seeming not super interested. But in reality he’d find it so fucking hot, especially if it was on a hidden part of your body like your ass cheek, the word “Thanos’ bitch” surrounded by a heart inked into your plush flesh.

Would spank the shit out of that tattoo on you.

Loves to spank you in general, needs to see that ass jiggle when it’s bouncing against his bare hips.

100% records you during sex and loves taking photos of you (whether you realize it or not during the moment). Has an entire photo album dedicated to it <3

I need to see more of him before the games, that 2 second clip was not enough smh.

[buckybuckyboo]

Bucky comes home

Word count - 1,459

Warnings: Smut, P in V, unprotected sex.

Summary: Bucky surprises you by coming home in the middle of the night.

_______________________________________________________

Bucky got home from his mission with Steve very very late. He could have stayed at the tower and surprised you in the morning but he couldn't wait. He missed you so much. He quietly made his way into your shared apartment, dropped his bag at the door. He slowly opens the bedroom door letting the hall light creep int the bedroom. He can't help but smile seeing you asleep in bed, covers thrown back. Wearing nothing but panties and one of his Hanley's. Bucky walks in taking his clothes off and climbing onto the bed, leaning over you and kissing your neck. It wakes you slightly making you stretch your neck more giving him more access. "I'm home baby girl, I missed you" He whispers between neck kisses.

"Bucky?" You whisper in your sleepy voice. "Yeah it's me baby. I just got home" Turning yourself around to face him but you didn't feel him slipping your panties off while doing it. He slips himself between your legs, leaning on his elbow as he pushes your hair away from your face. "Are you okay Bucky?" He smiles down at you. "Yeah I'm good baby. Much better now I'm with you" "I missed you so much baby". Bucky leans down kissing you passionately, he pulls away looking into your eyes with help from the dim light from the hall. "Tell me again how much you missed me doll" Smiling up at him, tucking his hair behind his ear. "I missed you so so- OH!". Bucky had pushed himself inside your pussy, he grunts softly feeling your walls hug him tight. Your body jerking as you feel him stretch you out.

"You were saying sweetheart?" He smirks. "I- I missed you" Slowly he drags his cock back and pushes back in slowly. Filling you up again. Your walls clenching around him, pulling him back in. "Please don't stop" He smiles down at you , placing one hand on the back of your head and his metal hand on your hip. He leans in kissing you along your neck and chest. His pace staying slow, he doesn't want to rush this. He wants to remember every feeling of you as he drags moan after moan out of you. Kissing you passionately, swallowing every moan that leaves your mouth. "Fuck Bucky just like that" "I know baby I know. I've got you" He pushes your (his) shirt up taking a nipple into his mouth and sucking, making your back arch off the bed.

He kisses back up to the crook of your neck, his hand on your hip getting a tighter hold. Your hand combs through his hair grabbing a fist full, You feel him bite into your neck, your orgasm coming closer and closer. His movements becoming slopy. He captures your lips with his as his seed spills inside you, feeling his cock twitch inside you. Bucky leans his forehead against yours while panting. You smile and run your fingers through his hair. After a little while of just holding each other, sharing sweet kisses and giggles together. He slips your shirt off and pulls you close to his chest resting his chin on your head. You wrap your arm around him and lazily run your fingers up and down his back. "Do you have to be anywhere tomorrow Buck?" "I have no plans but I think Steve is gonna call over in the morning"

"I've got you all to myself?" "Yep! I'm all yours baby girl" You were so happy to have him home. Weeks of long missions behind him for a while now cause he's back home with you. You never really slept peacefully while he is away. From worrying and from not having his arms around you all night long. But he's home, you are almost afraid to go back to sleep in case he disappears again. Laying back on your pillow and looking into his big blue eyes. Tracing his face with your fingers and running your thumb over his bottom lip then leaning in and kissing him. Feeling his arms wrap around you and pulls you closer the warmth and safety you feel makes you smile. He was home and you wern't letting him go anytime soon. "Go back to sleep doll. I'll be right here" "What if I wake up and you're gone again?" He chuckles softly "I'm not going anywhere, I can promise you that"

Both of you had fallen asleep at some point but early in the morning Bucky heard Steve come into the apartment. He had a spare key and he could come and go as he pleases. He made his way to your bedroom door and knocked gently, "Buck? Are you coming for a run?" At first he hears nothing but then Bucky answers him making Steve open the door a little peeking in. "Are you coming? He whispers. "Uh, I think I'll meet you in the gym later" He whispers back. Steve smiles and leaves for his run. Bucky leans down kissing your neck and then whispering in your ear "So are you gonna do something with it or just hold it?" he smirks.

You had woken slightly hearing the boys whispering. With not much energy in your sleepy state you told bucky to stay by grabbing his cock. Leaning up and capturing his lips with yours pushing him onto his back as you climb on top of him. "You told me, you were all mine" he chuckles softly. "I am sweetheart, I'm right here aren't I?" he gives you that sweet grin that makes you melt. Leaning over and kissing him passionately, moving to his neck and chest. Your hand moving down his body and wrapping his hard leaking cock. Giving it a few strokes before lining it up at your entrance and sinking slowly down on him. His breath hitching in his throat, his eyes falling closed as the pleasure over comes him. Placing his hands on you hips, feeling his fingertips dig into your skin.

Bucky plants his feet into the mattress and slowly starts to push his hips up pushing his cock deeper inside you. His mouth opens slightly as he feels your pussy clench around his cock. His hands move up your body, gently massaging your breasts. He sits up taking your nipple into his mouth. You gently comb your fingers through his long hair. Moving your hips back and forth on his cock feeling it hit that spot deep inside. He looks up aat you, pressing a sweet kiss to your lips. "So fucking tight and wet baby girl. I missed you so fucking much" he moans into the crook of your neck. "Please Bucky" "What is it baby? What do you need?" "I ne- need you to fuck me hard. Please? I've missed you so much I need to feel you" He places his arm around your lower back and turns you around laying back on the bed.

He wraps your leg around his hip, starting at a slow pace that get's faster and harder. Snapping his hips forward. With each snap of his hips your body bounces up on the bed. He takes his right hand and brings it down your body and uses his thumb to rub on your sensitive nub. He repositions your leg bringing it up over his shoulder and kissing along your leg. "That's it baby girl make a mess all over my cock for me like I know you can" Moving your hips in rhythm with him. "Yes! Harder please!" He places both hands on your hips holding you in place and fucks you hard making you moan uncontrollably. He leans down kissing along your chest and up along your neck. "Make a mess on my cock baby girl. I feel you squeezing me" he whispers in your ear.

It makes you smile and whisper back "Cum with me baby" "Gonna cum so fucking hard baby. You ready?" All you can do is nod. A few more pumps of his hips and you cum all over his cock. He buries his head in the crook of your neck while moaning. His hips still moving but slowly. Both of you riding out your highs. He leans his fore head against yours and smiles. "Have I told you how much I've missed you?" "Hmm I'm not sure" making you both giggle. Bucky wraps his arms around you while laying back on the bed pulling you onto his chest. His hands lazily run up and down your back. "Do you have to meet Steve in the gym?" you ask in a sleepy voice. Bucky chuckles and kisses the top of your head. "I don't have to be anywhere but here baby girl"

[captain-huggy-bear]

"How dare you talk about my future husband like that…"

Pairing: Clayton Keller x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort

Summary: Clayton is feeling self conscious about his eye since his injury, you are not having any of it.

Notes: I've been noticing that Clay's still got some bloodshot and damage to his eye and just wondered if he feels a little self conscious about it (even though he shouldn't because he's so handsome.)

Totally happy to take requests/ideas/prompts at the moment in my ask box :)

Writing Masterlist

Clayton is staring at himself in the hallway mirror when you get home from running some errands. Turning this way and that, long fingers pulling at the skin around his left eye where it’s still somewhat bruised and swollen. The eye that is still bloodshot and damaged from the puck he took to the face a few weeks ago. It’s been a slow to heal problem, one he seemed to not be bothered by, until now.

When he lets out a rough, heavy sigh and glances over at you with a frown, you know somethings wrong before he even starts to speak. It’s all in the set of his shoulders, in the downturn of his mouth, the way he’s not smiling at seeing you back home.

"I look fucking awful right now." 

The comment has you dropping your shopping bags to the floor, not caring too much about your shopping, hands falling to rest on your hips as you glare at your boyfriend. Your handsome, wonderful boyfriend who had just dared to call himself anything but. 

"Take that back right now." Clay rolls his eyes at you, at the harsh tone of your voice and the way you’re standing like a disapproving parent. He knows he looks awful and doesn’t want your pity, his eye looks like someone’s burst it and the skin around is all weird mottled colours, sickly yellows and greens. It’s ugly. Disgusting. He’s surprised you’ve been able to stand looking at him the past few weeks and he doesn’t want your pity, your false reassurances. 

"But, I do, my eye is so fucking messed up still...fucking ugly." The words are spat out, like they taste bad and they certainly leave a bad taste in your mouth as you close the short distance between the two of you, hands falling to his wrist, landing over his bracelets as you tug until he looks at you. Your thumb brushing against the delicate skin of his wrist. 

Some of your anger, your bite is gone the moment he looks at you because he’s so…so sad, you can tell that Clayton genuinely feels like his eye is ugly, like the bruising, the bloodshot nature of it all, makes him any less wonderful. You’re not used to him being self conscious or sad, he’s always so level headed. It’s usually you in his spot and him in yours.

"How dare you talk about my future husband like that…" Your voice doesn’t have any of the bite that it might have done a few minutes ago, in fact your voice is quiet and soft as you look up at him. Your hand slips from his wrist, fingers twining with his to hold his hand like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

"Y/N..." He groans low in his throat, deep and scratchy, head tilting and falling to his shoulder. He doesn’t believe you, you can tell, he thinks you’re just trying to make him feel better and that’s just not on. 

A strand of his hair falls forward from where it had been slicked back, you reach up with your free hand to push it back and out of the way, taking the opportunity to cup his face after, fingers rubbing at the skin around his eye gently. 

"I mean it. You're not ugly, it's not possible. The only thing I think when I see your eye is that I hope you're not in pain..." That’s all you’d been concerned about for the past 3 weeks, that Clay was comfortable, that every time you kissed him you weren’t causing him more pain. The idea that he wasn’t as handsome had never even crossed your mind. You’re not actually sure it’s possible for Clay to be anything but handsome.

“You don’t have to say stuff to make me feel better, baby…it’s okay, it’s ugly and it’s fine.” 

“Clayton John Keller.” You snap out, hand cupping his cheek more firmly and turning his eyes to look at you, really look at you as you step further into his personal space, “Stop assuming i’m lying. I have never lied to you, not once.” It’s something you’ve never felt the need to do around Clay, even when you first started dating…it didn’t matter how bad the situation, you knew that Clay wouldn’t judge you or yell at you, so you’d never felt that panic, that need to hide anything from him and you certainly weren’t going to lie about this. “You could lose an eye, you could have bruises across your entire face, a broken nose, split lip, and I would still think you’re the most handsome man on this planet, Clayton Keller and I am not lying about that.”

“C’mon, baby, you can’t seriously tell me that this,” Clay gestures to his eye, to the big red blood spot across his sclera, “is attractive?” 

“Why not? I…” He raises an eyebrow at you when you stop yourself short and you work up the bravery inside you to admit something you’ve kept quiet, “I actually think…this makes me a terrible person by the way and I'm sorry, but I actually think you look hotter injured.” You close your eyes tight, scrunching up your features, before opening one eye to check his reaction.

“What?” He’s stumped, looking at you like you just told him the president was an alien or that chocolate was actually made from insects. Clay’s mouth is open, jaw dropped just slightly, brows furrowed, blue eyes confused and it’s adorable, even if you feel embarrassed about your confession. 

“Look, I know it makes me a terrible person but there’s something about you covered in blood and bruises…” 

A smirk starts to grow on Clay’s face once your words sink in, the closest thing to a smile you’ve seen from him since walking through the front door. His blue eyes gleam with a sort of twisted delight, a mischief that makes your stomach buzz with butterflies, as his dimples start to show on one side of his mouth. 

“...Is that why you practically jumped me after the Winnipeg game, sweet girl?” You don’t even realise he’s corralling you, moving you until your back hits the hallway wall and he’s leaning over you, forearm pressed against the wall beside your head. 

“Shut up…” You murmur it, unable to do much more as your body fills with giddy, nervous energy (the good kind), as your face warms and your toes curl because of how he’s looking at you, all half-lidded eyes and a toothy smirk that makes you want to scream like a teenage girl. How he ever thought he was ugly you can’t comprehend when he makes you feel like you’re combusting right now.

“...You still think I'm handsome?” It’s teasing, mischievious as he leans ever closer, until your only response is a high pitched giggle that gives you away because fuck, he’s so hot…you’re not sure how you nabbed him, what made him pick you of all people, but you’re thankful for whatever convinced him you were the one.

“Baby? Do you think i’m handsome?” He asks again because apparently your giggles aren’t enough of an answer or more accurately because he hates you and wants to torture you even as he smiles down at you all dimples and teeth.

“I always think you're handsome…especially when you smile like that.” 

“C’mere,” It’s silly how he always says that, but he’s the one that moves towards you. Clay’s quick to close the distance between you, slanting his mouth over yours into a sweet but firm kiss, it lasts longer than you expect, long enough for your hands to make their way into his shoulder length strands, long enough for him to practically press you into the wall,  “Thanks for keeping me in check, baby,” He’s practically murmuring it against your lips, not pulling away any further than necessary and you consider this an achievement. That you’ve taken his mood from self conscious and dower, back to teasing and sweet, back to standard Clay. 

“You’re welcome.”

“Just know I'm never going to forget that you’re a little freak who thinks I'm hotter when I'm bloody.”

“Clay, I swear to God!”

[p5-apotelesma]

thinking about how ryuji isnt really even like. always Conscious of how self destructive he can be at times?? nevermind how hes always like How can I protect everyone (often at the expense of himself) but like. when he told his former team mates to hit him if that would make them feel better?? likE HE JUST LET THEM BEAT HIM UP??????? CHILD?????

also atlus what The Fuck are you doing what is this writing why is ren just sTANDING AROUND. THE KID WHO GOT ARRESTED CAUSE HE STUCK HIS NOSE INTO A MATTER WHEN A STRANGER NEEDED HELP. WHY IS HE LETTING RYUJI TAKE ALL THESE LS. REN WOULD NEVER

ryuji: tells his angry ex-friends that they can hit him ren: NO?? NOT ALLOWED??

ren would sooner get in the way and risk getting expelled and ruining his future than let them hurt ryuji for something that was never his fault to begin with.

its like ryuji thinks. he can just be a human stress ball, if he makes someone he cares about angry. he isnt always good with words or apologizing so usually he just lets people kick the shit out of him if he thinks he had it coming. like. i have no doubt this kid had worthlessness beaten into him by his dad. emotionally and physically. (nevermind kamoshida) and i KNOW that a kid like ryuji would have tried to take the target off his mom if he could help it.

if hes going to get beat anyway, he might as well have some say over how and when it happens. trying to grasp at ANY control in his life. BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOURE IN CONTROL CAUSE YOURE INVITING IT TO HAPPEN DOESNT MEAN THATS THE CASE...

but. god. due to everything hes been through. something in ryuji thinks he deserves more punishment than others for the same transgressions. hed take all the hits cause hey. hes…. good at taking hits.

dont talk to me im AUUUUHWHWAHGGG

[aliceinborderlandsquidgame]

Home (you) | Gi-hun x Wife!Reader |

Summary: He finally returns to you.

Warnings: Post S1 - Non canon events - Non canon background for Gi-hun - Sad!Gi-hun - Paranoid!Gi-hun - Trauma - Soft!Moments  - NON CANON EVENTS FROM S2  - ANGST -

When Gi-hun was left with nothing but his underwear and a credit card full of zeros his mind did nothing but drift off.

He could not forget them. The others, the ones who died in order for him to be here today. Alive, looking at the account, sounds and smells from the city, ignorance from what had happen to him and others.

Gi-hun knew you were there, at the small aparment you two shared. The small yet filled with love place. It was his safe heaven, the home he loved. Where you waited for him, never once judged him and rather tried to help.

You have been nothing but the best wife, woman and friend. More than what he could ask for and more of what he deserves.

In his mind you should have left him, for someone better. But he could be selfish and when it came to you he was.

But now after everything that had happen..did he deserve to go back to you ? To his life ? When he had promise that he would not dissapear again? But he still did ? Knowing he may not be back ?

His mind driffted back and he found himself walking without a destination, not caring for the cold or nasty looks along the way.

~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○

Another morning came, the bed felt cold but you have to get used to it. Thats whar you keep telling yourself. However when you see the ring on your finger you cant help but let out some tears before getting up and prepare for the day.

It has been at least three months now since Gi-hun dissapear without a way to find him.

You tought the loan sharks would look for you but that never happened. Part of you did wonder if they had killed him but when being confronted by you they just said a quick excuse and went off.

You hated your life without him. Besides the pity looks you got at your work or the few words of compassion, you missed him. A lot. You were used to his laught, to his touch, the silly jokes he would make...but that was in the past now.

With a bottle of shake you went to your home. Another day, another week, you should think on moving maybe that way it would hurt less. But the memories with him were deep in your mind and you could not shake them off.

You were going to Open the old door when you took notice that it was slighty Open.

A robbery ? The loan sharks decided to come ?

You moved the door slowly, the old thing making a sound that felt louder than it actually was. The aparment was dark, no light or sight of life. It was just and the forniture.

Or at least thats what you thoguth when suddendly you hear a muffled "fuck" and "I never cleaned that"

Even if it was small you knew in an instant from who it was. You went there, not caring if maybe your mind was playing you a cruel trick. You needed to know.

Once outside the bedroom you turned on the lights seeing his form trying (and failing) to repair some broken base he had most likely knock off.

You also took notice on the big spoot on the wall, yeah it was caused by him once and he never took care of it, but it added personality to the room.

He looked at you. Eyes big like a fish, he was a mess. Hair larger and dirty.

"Gi-hun?" You called taking a step towards him while he took one back. He did not want you to see him like this. He came on impulse, a rational part of him said to not come, but his feelings....he missed you. Wanted you again by his side.

"Please tell me this is real" You tried again voice now breaking as you stopped one hand reaching for him.

Gi-hun felt his heart break, he moved slowly taking your hand in his, the same hand that he had used to fight off Sang-woo was now holding yours.

He almost fell as you pulled him into a big hug, crying on his chest, you had to take a moment to listen to his heart beat. You eyes going over his face.

"Oh Gi-hun...what happened to you?" You asked pulling him for a hug again his own hands returning it with more force. He never wanted to let go of you again.

"(Y/N)...Please" His voice broke at the end "Hold me, I will tell you everytning but please"

He fell on his knees you followed still hugging him, his cries were muffled by your shirt as she held you like you were the only thing that could keep him sane.

"Shh I got you Gi-hun, let it out"

He cried for a bit more only moving when he felt you move from discomfort because of how you two were.

"Gi-hun...you should take a bath" You said to him very careful "I can prepare it for you.."

"Will you stay?" He asked his eyes letting out the raw vulnerability he was feeling

"Of course I will, I will stay with you"

~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○

Gi-hun havent feel this...relaxed in such a long time. You carefully washed his hair, and relaxed his tensed back. There was nothing sexual out of it. Just you taking care of him.

And it felt like heaven.

"Im going to brush your hair a bit is that alright with you?" You asked from behind him inside the bathtub  worried that it might trigger something from him.

But Gi-hun just nodded letting out a content sound when the brush made contact with his hair. You were very patient with him, slowly untangling his now long hair. He knew he needed to get it cut off. But he had let himself be lost and...and he could not bring to take care of himself.

"We should also cut your beard too..if you want" You softly asked after you ended with his hair doing a small bow that made him look quiet cute.

He touched his beard without realizing how long it had got. But finally gave a nod to you. He saw you move towards the cabin getting the tools and now taking a seat in front of him.

"Im going to do this slow, ok? You tell me if I need to stop" You tone let him knew that he was the one in charge of the situation. You did not know what had happen to him but it must be more than the old threats the loan sharks would use against him.

No, this was something worse. And you wanted him to feel safe with you.

~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~

After it you offered him a fresh change of clothes. He asked you to stay with him and you nodded. He was slimmer than the last time you have seen him. And there were some bruises too. You wanted to ask him, to know what did happen. But you also knew he would come around, that you needed to be patient with him.

After he changed he muttered that he was tired and you were ready to guide him back towards the bedroom you two shared.

To him the bed sheets felt softer than he did remember. Even if the mattress was old it was better than the beds from the games. A shiver ran down his spine and he had to hold his head to prevent memories from coming back.

"Gi-hun..."

"Can you get me some water...? Please" Gi-hun asked his voice almost breaking. He did not want you to see him like this. So broken so....

He had no words to describe the pain he was feeling.

He felt when you left, and he decided to take some deep breaths, letting the familiar smell of the room fill his sense. He was back, he was at home.

"Gi-hun? I got your water?" You said from besides him giving him the glass as he gulped it down.

And you were with him.

He finally looked at you. Seeing how tired you were. It must have been difficult for you. To be alone and worried over him. He wanted to blame himself even more for leaving you like that. He did not deserve you and part of him wanted you to hate him for leaving and then be back without a explaination.

But as he looked all over you his eyes ended in your hand, most precise on the ring. You were still using it, a solid proof you never gave up on him.

"(Y/N).." Gi-hun said your name with so much care as he took your hands on his bring them up to kiss them. "Im sorry, im sorry that I left you. Im sorry for not coming back sooner" He said between broken sobs. "I know I must have caused you so much pain, and im so sorry for it"

"Gi-hun please stop, you know I would have waited for you a lifetime" You responded gently caressing his face "I dont know what happened to you, and you dont have to tell me. I will wait till you are ready. Just know, I love you. And that wont ever change, just...dont leave me again"

"Never, I wont ever leave you again (Y/N)...you are all I have and all I will ever have. You are the most important thing to me, and from now on I will do my best to show you how grateful im for you being by my side. For putting up with me"

You smiled at him giving him a soft kiss then pushing him down so he could get comfortable.

"And you are the best thing that ever happened to me Gi-hun. You dont have to prove me anything" You laid besides him both facing each other. He pulled you against his chest his face on your hair.

"Promise you wont ever let me go? Not tonight or ever ? Even if...things change" Gi-hun knew he was a different Man now, he could not just ignore his trauma. He was positive nightmares would still come to haunt him and that at some point he would tell you the truth.

But not tonight. Tonight all he wanted was for you to hold him and promise him that everything would be fine.

"I wont ever let you go Gi-hun, not tonight or ever. You are with me till death do us apart, remember ? Now get some sleep I will be here once you wake up"

And that was all he needed to hear. For the first time since he won these games...he got a nice sleep. Besides you anything seemed to be possible. Even finding his way back to life.

[becausegraf]

Oh man, I love this analysis :)

Here be some thoughts this prodded out of me, about where Stolas and Blitz are at individually and as a romantic pair~

Spoiler alert:

This chaper of their story is not about their romance at all.

-

I very much appreciate that they're giving these two the time for the shock to settle, knowing that the whole situation is the result of Stolas' hand being forced and not something either of them maneuvered them into on purpose. As much as 'oh how neat we get the chance to get to know each other better and connect now' is the outcome, that's where the circumstances pushed them, and not something they decided they wanted.

Without the whole court debacle and a life-or-death situation they made it through alive but not without consequences, we don't know if they would have re-established contact to give this another shot already, or ever.

-

Ever since The Full Moon, Stolas' feelings have shifted from yearning and adoration for a version of Blitz that simply isn't the real deal, to the conflicted messy pile-up of being hurt and offended and disappointed and full of doubts about himself, while still very much caring a lot about 'this idiot'. He's gotten burned, he's gotten the ice cold shower, and he'll never be able to just go back to the way he used to view and feel about Blitz. He shouldn't, either.

Blitz isn't unchanged, either. He's finally opened his eyes to how his hissy fits and shots-fired do more than just keep people at a distance - he really causes pain to people whose main mistake was to reach over to pet a feral cat, meaning him no harm, and getting the claws. Blitz can act like a massive raging jerkass, and he's eagerly avoided truly registering the fall-out of his actions, but *he doesn't get any joy out of seeing people hurt and upset*. He's been self-absorbed, not sadistic.

-

It felt right to me, that Sinsmas didn't insist on dragging the two of them into a mushy dreamy tale of how fortunate they are to have each other, and how their close connection in and of itself is some kind of salvation.

That's a soap opera. That's oversimplified fiction. That's untethered from the reality that they're two guys with a complicated history and a lot that they don't know or understand about each other, and haven't even made up their mind about where they're at with each other now. Stolas was at a point where he'd withdrawn after Blitz pretty much broke his heart, shattered the illusion, and then yo-yoed rapidly between 'fuck you, I'm pissed off and unwilling to treat you with even basic respect' and 'fuck I take it all back, tis me who is the mess inside and I do want you to be okay'.

Stolas is taking a careful risk in giving Blitz a chance to do things differently, a chance to demonstrate that he can be trusted after all. A friend who occasionally kicks your emotional shit in, no matter what kind of issues cause them to behave that way, *is not a friend*. Stolas got the claws, and now he's, in a sense, 'doing the stupid thing' and allowing this feral beastie to come in close and beg for pets again.

Granted, the choice to try is more easily made given that he has nowhere else to go. He does need support right now, and Blitz and his crew didn't hesitate to offer it. They're making the best out of a bad situation, but Stolas' primary directive is to *simply get through this somehow*. He has other more dire worries. Blitz is fine - his daughter isn't.

His complicated fussy 'ex' is proving himself to be a mostly reliable and supportive friend, and that's far more relevant right now than having the 'are we ~together and in love~ or not' conversation. They'd never even had a regular casual honest open conversation before all this, and they've had their hands full with just stumbling through practical matters without annoying each other.

-

That they can coexist and not make each other miserable is already a huge deal! Plenty of prospective partners and close friends might find that the person they like spending time with isn't that easy to 'dance the dance' of daily life with at all. It takes patience and giving an earnest fuck about trying to accommodate each other without being overly demanding or making yourself uncomfortable. It takes at least somewhat letting your guard down and allowing someone else to see you as the person you are 'when no-one's looking'.

(Granted, Blitz is used to keeping certain aspects of himself pretty self-contained. He's let some of his feelings spill on Loona but he's also lived with her for somewhere North of 5 years if I got the timeline deets correct, *and* with her he's supposed to mind her needs more than she needs to bother herself with his, he's the parent after all.)

-

I guess, in short, I entirely expect Stolas and Blitz to have a pile of hurdles and conflicting emotions and needs to sort through about their relationship right now. They have beef with themselves and with each other that's gonna have to get resolved rather than pushed aside, and so far, they've (understandably) prioritised the basics over troubleshooting themselves and the romance between them.

To have a song skim completely over this not-so-fluffy reality would do the narrative a disservice, and I'm happy that the final version's song acknowledges the exhausting melancholy Stolas is steeped in so gently and compassionately. Our bird's having a real damn hard time of it, and although nobody can wave a wand and fix it for him or tell him what to do, at least he has people around him that stay near and welcome him and are willing to shepherd him around a bit. They're not letting him just drop off the face of the earth and wither, and honestly...

I think that's actually a first for him, too.

-

Whether he realises it or not, the biggest change for him isn't that he 'moved in with his sort-of-boyfriend', it's that he is no longer an isolated father left to raise a daughter without support - he's part of a family where people, despite it all, care a lot and are there for each other when it matters.

It'll sink in eventually, I'm sure. He has no clue what he was missing out on in the first place! Intimacy and romance has been his idea of 'where love happens', and that's what he'd been yearning for.

It's an amusing parallel with Blitz: 'I've never had a friend I didn't want to fuck/date'.

Blitz was his first friend - his first *puppy crush*. His daughter is not someone to bond with on a level of equal emotional give-and-take, a child shouldn't be their parent's emotional support.

His mother? Not a damn clue where she's been. His father? Absent. His caretakers? Subordinate and distanced. Stella's been at best 'around' and at worst an active detriment to be near.

This owl has been *painfully alone*, and that loneliness isn't being soothed by 'being with Blitz' specifically. It's becoming a part of 'Blitz and his family and friends' and being adopted just the way he is, by people that all together will care about him, and that Stolas can care about in turn without risking getting his soul crushed again.

wait, i don't understand, can u please if u want explain why they scrapped the "Stolitz Montage" song?

Yeah, I can explain! I actually have a lot of thoughts about these songs.

For context, at the beginning of Sinsmas, a song called Day By Day plays in the background while Blitz and Stolas run errands. Originally, a different song (untitled, so Sam Haft—the composer—unofficially called it Stolitz Montage) was going to play during these scenes, but they ended up scrapping it. I mentioned in the tags of a different post that I understood why they'd made this decision.

If you don't want to keep reading, my TL;DR is that I believe the tone and mood of Stolitz Montage doesn't fit Stolas' emotional journey in Sinsmas as well as Day By Day does.

If you do want to read my full personal analysis, keep reading below the cut!

-

(Note: I'm going to focus on the songs' lyrics, because I'm not knowledgeable enough about music to analyse the musical aspect of the songs. If anyone else wants to add their thoughts in that regard, be my guest!)

Let's start by taking a look at the lyrics of the scrapped song, Stolitz Montage:

So you're having a bad time

You're stressing and everything all seems much so

You've been having a sad time

And your family probably hates your fucking guts so

The song starts by describing Stolas' situation and emotional state in the days following the trial: he is sad and overwhelmed, everything feels like "too much", and his family probably hates him.

It's pretty clear from the get-go that they wanted a song for this montage that conveyed Stolas' struggle to adapt to life as a commoner, away from everything he's known, and having gone cold turkey on his depression meds (the lack of which is emphasised visually throughout the song).

The song is also in second person: Stolas isn't him, or me, he's you. This is something both songs have in common. It keeps the song at a slight emotional distance from Stolas. Whereas a first-person song would make the feelings too personal—would make Stolas too aware of his own struggle—and a third-person song wound be too distant, the second person allows Stolas to be only passively aware of his emotional state. He's not the one singing; he's the one being sung about. What he's feeling is being pointed out to him by an external, seemingly omniscient voice.

The song continues:

Ooooh-oh oooh ooh

I know you feel it too

You lost your way

And just can't fake it for another day

It's hard to take it

Just pretend you're gonna be okay

Here is where I think the tone of the song starts to deviate from what they wanted to convey in this montage.

At first glance, this is a continuation of the previous verses, and mostly expands on Stolas' emotional state: "it's hard to take it"; "you lost your way".

The key difference is that the lyrical voice now plays an actual role in that emotional state.

First, it states that it shares Stolas' feelings ("I know you feel it too"—implying that Stolas isn't the only one who feels this way). Thus, the lyrical voice starts shifting into an active character within the scene. And not any kind of character—one that can relate to Stolas and, more importantly, one that can offer some comfort.

Then, there's the line "just pretend you're gonna be okay". Now, I see two possible interpretations for this line. It can either be a piece of advice for Stolas (hey, I know it's hard, but just pretend), or another description of his struggle, a continuation of the previous line: "(it's hard to) just pretend you're gonna be okay". Personally, I lean slightly towards the former interpretation, especially because the lyrical voice's intention to offer comfort and advice becomes clearer in the next line of the song:

You're not okay and that's okay

This is where the focus of the song shifts fully towards a hopeful, even optimistic view of Stolas' situation.

Now, I get where they were going with this. "It's okay to not be okay" is a very powerful thing to say to someone who's struggling with mental illness and hard life circumstances, and it's one Stolas badly needs to hear.

In fact, it is a message that is conveyed to Stolas multiple times throughout the episode. By Blitz. Not through words, of course—but through actions. In the montage itself, as well as throughout the rest of the episode, Blitz constantly stands by Stolas' side, offers him company and comfort, meets him where he's at emotionally, doesn't pressure him to be okay, and (especially at the end in their apartment) gives room for Stolas' sadness and grief to exist. He hugs Stolas, puts his hands on Stolas' arms, and opens up emotionally about his own sister, and those are all ways of showing Stolas that it's okay that Stolas isn't okay.

But here's the thing. The knowledge that it's okay to not be okay is Blitz's, not Stolas'. That is Blitz's emotional state, not Stolas'. Stolas doesn't know it's okay to not be okay, and even though Blitz keeps conveying this message to him, he's not able to hear it just yet. Not this early in his descent to rock bottom.

In fact, learning that it's okay to not be okay is a journey that Stolas only begins at the end of the episode. By then, Stolas still isn't okay, but he begins to come to terms with the fact that that's alright. And he does this by allowing Blitz to sit in silence with him, to dance with him, to pry a laugh from him, to hold him without any expectations of being held back. The final scene of the episode is all about them both being okay even though Stolas isn't. We see this in the fact that Stolas lets himself stay in Blitz's arms, going as far as closing his eyes. He's there. He's finally in the moment. He's finally allowing the "not okay" feelings in his body to just be.

The Stolitz Montage song ends with:

You put one foot in front of the other

Then you take it day by day

Knowing you got nothing

You still got each other

Ooooh-oh oooh ooh

Again, most of these lines do match Stolas' emotional state. In fact, the notion of just living life one day at a time, just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, is very representative of what a depressive episode can and does feel like.

But, in the very last line, the song shifts right back to a reassuring tone: "you still got each other".

Now, not only does the hopeful, optimistic sentiment of this line belong—once again—to Blitz's emotional state, it also goes directly against what the emotional arc of the episode aims to achieve.

Sinsmas isn't about them having each other—Sinsmas is about Stolas having Blitz.

It takes him all episode to realise this, too. At the beginning, when the montage takes place, Stolas is just going through the motions. As stated above, he's just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other—he's fully on survival mode. During the fight with Andrealphus, Stolas is shocked that Blitz came to save him, that he risked his life. That is the moment Stolas begins to truly comprehend that he can lean on Blitz. And then, after they get home, he slowly continues to learn it, as explained above. By the end of the episode, he's only just starting to allow himself to lean emotionally on Blitz.

And significantly, Blitz doesn't lean on Stolas. Because he's at a very different part of his own character arc, and he already had his opportunity to lean emotionally on those around him with Millie in Ghostfuckers, and to a lesser extent, with all his employees during their mission on Sinsmas.

Blitz has gone through enough pain, character growth, and healing to both understand exactly where Stolas is at, and be able to meet him there and be a rock for Stolas to lean on.

So the reason that line—that last line, positioned strategically to drive home its message that it's all gonna be okay—doesn't work for the montage is twofold. Firstly, because Stolas isn't ready to see that he has Blitz. Secondly, because it is now Blitz's turn to give comfort without needing to receive it in exchange.

And, if we take a look at the whole song, the reason it doesn't work for the scene is because it doesn't meet Stolas where he's at. The song says, "yes, you're sad, but—" and shifts to optimism. It doesn't fully allow Stolas to simply not be okay. To not be there yet. It doesn't fully allow his depression to just suck. The feelings of sadness and overwhelmingness are shadowed by a positivity and hope that belong to Blitz, and not Stolas.

Let's now take a look at Day By Day, and at which ideas from the original song were kept, which ones were changed, how, and why it works:

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

You take it day by day

You got everything that you had thought you wanted

But you still feel so blue

And you don't know what to do

Right off the bat, the lyrics are very similar in tone to the ones at the beginning of Stolitz Montage. Once again, a lyrical voice in the second person describes Stolas' emotional state: he's blue (sad), he's taking it day by day.

But there's already a change. "You have everything you thought you wanted, but you still feel so blue".

The fact that Stolas had always wanted a life with Blitz is something the previous song doesn't touch on whatsoever. And it matters, because "what Stolas thought he wanted" is a central part of his arc in the episode. It comes back during his breakdown at the office: "and I did it for what?! These stupid, foolish fantasies?" And it comes back again when Blitz saves him from Andrealphus, and when Blitz dances with him and their eyes meet afterwards.

As stated above, this is the episode where it dawns on Stolas that he has Blitz. But he isn't there yet at the beginning of the episode, and so he still believes what he and Blitz had was just a fantasy of his. And because he's never had anything with Blitz that wasn't a fantasy, because fantasy is all he knows, he doesn't immediately know what to do with the real thing. With the domesticity, and the errands. He doesn't recognise the signs Blitz is sending his way that he's got Blitz to lean on.

These two lines are also important because they bring forth another aspect of depression that the previous song doesn't: that love doesn't cure depression, or make it magically go away. That going cold turkey on your meds and having a massive depressive episode is going to suck no matter how many good things you have in this life, because depression is a biological process, not a state of mind. Depression takes away your ability to find joy in things that used to bring you it. It takes away your feelings, your energy, your strength.

Notice that Stolas doesn't seem apathetic or hollow inside on the night of the trial and the morning after. Yes, he's had his title and power stripped, he's been physically assaulted in the street, and yes, he's worried about Octavia. Obviously, he shows signs of being dissociated, and he's exhausted. But, emotionally, he's still hanging on. He still thanks Blitz for everything, and he talks to Blitz in the morning, and smiles when Blitz offers to get him rats. Before the effects of going cold turkey on his meds start to kick in, he's grateful to be around Blitz.

It's during the montage, as the days go by, that he starts feeling blue. Because depression is very quickly taking away the joy he found in Blitz's company.

And that's why, even in the first few lines, this song conveys Stolas' state of mind so much better than the previous one. Because while the message in Stolitz Montage was "yes, you're sad, but—", the message in Day By Day is "yes, you should be happy, but."

It lets the sad win over the happy. It lets depression take Stolas down with it, it lets him feel helpless and lost. "You still feel so blue, and you don't know what to do."

The song continues:

You're sitting at the end of the rainbow, but the pain grows

And you can't help let the strain show

'Cause what else are you to do?

These lines emphasise the ideas presented in the previous ones: that Stolas should be happy, but he isn't. That the pain that has planted itself in Stolas is growing. So much so that he can't help but let it show.

Stolas' helplessness, his slow descent into misery, are given the room to exist. Everything around him seems fine, but he's not fine. And he's not told that it's okay to not be fine. Because this is Stolas' emotional state we're exploring, and for him, it's not okay to not be fine right now. He's too busy going through the motions to grant himself that kind of mercy.

The song finishes:

Keep it calm, life goes on, and on, and on

Nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong

So why do I still feel this way?

Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh

You take it day by day

And, much like in the previous song, we get a small hint of what could be interpreted either as advice/reassurance from the lyrical voice, or as Stolas actively telling himself to pretend to be okay. "keep it calm, life goes on, nothing's wrong". In this case, though, I lean towards the latter interpretation for a very simple reason: the next line shifts to first person. "So why do I still feel this way?"

And that's the thing: once again, the hope and calm he's trying to make himself feel are immediately overpowered by his feelings of sadness. Once again, it's the sadness that wins over, and not the happiness. His depression is given room to drag him down, take him slowly towards rock bottom.

And once again, the last line—at least the last one before the chorus is repeated—is used to drive home the message of the song. But this time, the message is that, despite it all, despite having what he wanted, despite sitting at the end of the rainbow, despite trying to convince himself he's okay, he still feels sad. Because that's what depression does. No matter how many good things you have in your life, it drags you down.

And that message, in that last line, is delivered in the form of a question. "Why do I still feel this way?" This matters for two reasons. The first one is that it shows that Stolas isn't (fully) aware of what's happening to him. He obviously knows he needs his meds, he knows he should be taking them. We see him reach out for them. But he is also living his emotions, and not just experiencing them from the outside. And as the emotions take over, he loses perspective of where they come from, too caught up in how they're drowning him.

The second reason this matters is because the song and the lyrical voice don't offer Stolas answers.

In Stolitz Montage, Stolas gets an answer to his struggle: that, ultimately, [Blitz and Stolas] still got each other.

But in Day By Day, all Stolas gets are questions. What else are you to do? Why do I still feel this way?

Day By Day meets Stolas where he's at during the days leading up to Sinsmas after the trial. It allows for these questions to exist without an answer; it lets the answers come later in the episode. It lets his journey through the episode play out, allowing him to learn that he has Blitz, that he needs his meds, and that he has to be okay with the fact that things are not okay.

By the end of the episode, he can acknowledge that he made his choices and has to deal with the consequences. He starts to understand Blitz is by his side, willing to help him through this. That his relationship with Blitz might not feel like he thought it would, because he's too mentally ill and heart-broken to be there—but that they still have each other, they still love each other, and they'll be okay.

But during the montage, he's not there yet, and it wouldn't make sense for the song to be there, either.

So, yes, as cute and optimistic as Stolitz Montage is, and as glad as I am they released it anyways for us to enjoy, I believe the writers made the right decision by scrapping it for the episode.

If you read this far, thank you for your time! Please treat yourself to a glass of water for me, and feel free to share your thoughts ❤️

[broareweabouttoviberightnow]

i yearn for ponyboy angst after johnny and dally die and for once he needs darry and not soda...or more of the curtis bros grieving their parents/their friends/their childhoods together. just curtis bro angst all day every day. love ur stuff!

AGH!! TY LOVE!! this ask has been truly rottin' in my brain I thought about it durin' my ENTIRE shift today!! I hope you like it!! fic under the cut!!

also song >:D

"Pony?" Darry's sayin' my name in a way that implies he's been sayin' it a while. I blink at him 'n I don't know where I've been. My fingers are all wrapped up in my jeans, white-knuckled. I try to relax but my body doesn't listen to me one bit, so I forget it.

"I've been callin' you, where were you at?" He crosses the room 'n taps a finger gently to my temple, brushin' my bangs off my forehead.

I shrug 'n he worries at his lip. "Somewhere else, I guess." Darry looks stricken but that's how he always looks nowadays: worried.

"I gotta talk to you about your hair, Pony baby." I inhale sharply 'n Darry's face twists up a little more. He moves all slow, eases down onto the couch beside me 'n wraps an arm around my shoulders like I might fall to pieces.

"I'm not colorin' it I swear to God I'm not-" Steve had made a joke, some comment, maybe even just a suggestion, that I dye my hair back to its normal color. I don't think he meant anythin' bad by it. I dunno. I can see it more now. Darry's rough 'cause he's scared. Steve was mean when he meant to be kind. I think Dallas was like that. Rough 'cause he didn't know how to be soft.

I think I said somethin' awful to him. I was always doin' that. Bein' cruel 'cause it all hurt so bad. Last week Darry 'n I had fought 'cause it's all we knew how to do 'n I'd told him I bet he wished I had died that night. Just like-

I didn't mean it. I never meant it. I didn't know how to not mean it.

"Honey?" I shake my head. Darry's lookin' at me again with big scared eyes 'n I know I've done it again. Gone somewhere.

"Sorry." Darry cups the side of my face, there are new wrinkles alongside his eyes. He always looks like he's just waitin' for somethin' bad to happen.

"S'ok, baby. I ain't gonna make you do nothin' to your hair." Soda's beside me now, too. I don't remember when he got there. "We've been talkin' 'n baby... we need you to let us help you wash it."

I flinch. Hard. Straight back into Soda's arm 'n know he had it there, ready to brace me. "No." Darry sighs, glances over my head, 'n Soda gathers me up into his arms.

"Look, honey. I'm not gonna make you. But I think... you'll feel a bit better. You don't gotta take a shower or nothin'. Maybe a bath?" Darry tries, reachin' out 'n coverin' my hand in his.

"No." I don't know what it was. I'd gone through the damn fire 'n come out scared of the fuckin' water. That night in the fountain was a million years ago. Glory, I don't know how I had space in my head to even remember it.

But I did. Fuck. I did.

"Hey Pony? Can we try somethin' else then? If you humor me?" Soda's tone is pliant 'n a little too bouncy. It gets like that sometimes. But someone has to be alright. So we don't mention it.

He climbs off the couch, pulls me gently up 'n I don't fight it. Darry's got a hand on my shoulder 'n Soda's got his arms around me still 'n they were like this more. Since. Like if they weren't always touchin' me I'd fade right away into nothin'. Sometimes it was nice. Sometimes it made me want to bite 'n tear 'n fuckin' scream.

The kitchen counter is clear, a couple towels folded onto the table, a chair tipped back against the sink. Soda guides me over to the chair, asks me a million questions in those big brown eyes he has that I don't know how to go about answerin'.

Are you fine? Is this fine? Does this remind you of- Does this remind you- Does this-

"Look, if you sit here you can rest your head back 'n I can wash your hair out without havin' to get you any closer to the water. D'ya think... that's somethin' you can stomach?" Soda's off to my side doin' all the talkin' but I'm lookin' straight out at Darry. He's still got a hand on my shoulder 'n Jesus. Has he always looked at me like that?

He shifts his weight 'n furrows his brow. His hand comes up slowly like I'm a spooked animal that might bolt. Some kicked dog. Some scared foal. He cups the side of my face 'n it occurs to me. It's the same place he'd once struck.

Odd. Both times touched in fear. A million years apart. I'm not even sure he notices.

"Pony?" I finally tear my eyes off Darry 'n when I twist my head, he lets his hand fall back to my shoulder.

"Ok." My voice aches. It always does. Maybe from the smoke. Maybe from the cold burn of that still water rottin' in my lungs even now. "Ok, I'll try." The look that Soda 'n Darry shoots over my head is filled with such a palpable relief I nearly cry.

"Ok, baby. I know this isn't easy. D'you think you can... take his jacket off?" Soda already has both hands around my biceps, just gently restin' there like he knows I'm gonna flinch again. "I ain't gonna take it-" My eyes flicker to Darry 'n hurt flashes across his face (not meanin' it, not knowin' how not to)- "'n neither is Dar. I just don't wanna get it wet 'n mess it up, ok hon? But if it's too much I can just try my best to avoid it?"

I clutch at the collar. 'N I can hear his voice clear as day. You better not fuck that leather up. You have no idea how much trouble it was to steal.

'N I almost laugh. Almost.

"He'd kill me if I let you give it the kitchen sink treatment." 'N my voice sounds all thick in my ears. I want to laugh. I want Dallas to knock me up the back of my head for even thinkin' of it. I want-

"Oh, Ponybaby." Soda's arms are around me again. I'm cryin'. When did I start cryin'? Why? 'N it's one of those times I don't want them to hold me. Jesus. It makes me want to run. To let the ache in my throat dissolve into the burn in my lungs. I want to bite 'n tear 'n scream.

But all I can do is sit there. Stiff in the arms I wish I could melt into.

"Soda." Darry drops a hand onto his shoulder 'n gently pries him off of me. When he takes his face out of my neck his cheeks are wet 'n I don't know whether it's my tears or his. "He's not-"

Here.

For a long moment, none of us move. Like a gunfight. Or a caged animal. 'N then I drag blunt nails under my eyes 'n scrub my face 'n Darry blows out a long breath like he'd been holdin' it. He lets go of Soda 'n we all go back to pretendin' nothin' happened. Or at least I do.

"Do you... want help?" When I look down my knuckles are white against the collar. I flex my fingers 'n they burn like that time I'd split them against some socs' jaw. Or that night Johnny 'n I had slept in the backyard out under the stars 'n the cold scalded along my hands 'n cracked my skin 'n I'd bled 'n bled 'n bled-

"Don't make me do it." 'N when I'd looked up at Darry I knew he understood what I meant. I squeezed my eyes shut 'n felt hands roughened by labors of love that had done nothin' but leave him with callouses 'n scars rest at my neck. He pulls the jacket off quickly 'n the rush of winter air slinkin' through the cracks we'd never be able to seal up scorches against my bare arms. I don't open my eyes until Darry presses the bundle to my chest.

When I look to Soda again, his face is dry 'n he's wearin' this encouragin' little smile that tugs too tight on the edges of his mouth. "You ready, Pony?"

I nod. Just a bob of my chin that takes every last ounce of strength in me. Darry turns, yanks another chair close to my side 'n Soda guides my head down to the sink.

The tap flips on. A lonely titterin' against the empty bowl. I don't control anythin' that happens after. Not the low, whimperin' sob that snakes out of my mouth. Not the way my shoulders jar up 'n away. Not my nails bitin' into Darry's arm so hard they leave bloody, half moons in their wake.

"No. Soda, no. Soda. I can't." Darry smooths one hand over my forehead 'n I reach for his wrist, catch it tight 'n hold on like if I don't let go he can keep me out of that night. If I can keep him here I can't go back.

"Pony?" Soda drops down so he can see my face. Reaches out to wrap me in his arms 'n I flinch. Fuckin' flinch. Right back 'n up into Darry's lap.

'N none of us are movin' again. Soda's falterin' in place, arms half reached out 'n face a mask of hurt 'n Jesus why do I always hurt the people I love? Why can't I stop bitin' the hand that wants to hold me?

"What is it, Pony? Are you here?" 'N I can't make my voice or body or anythin' work the way it should. But before I can stop it I choke out-

"Darry." 'N Darry lets out a little noise from somewhere so far in the back of his throat it comes out like a whimper.

"Oh, little colt." 'N suddenly his arms are around me again. My face is pressed into his chest 'n I'm heavin' deep sobs that have been rottin' in my chest for too long. Since before Dallas or Johnny. Before the week in the church or that night in the park. Maybe since Mama. Since Daddy. Since the last person to call me that was put in the freezin' Tusla earth.

"I love you." 'N it's whispery 'n waverin' 'n also the surest thing I've ever heard. 'N this time when I feel Soda return to my side, feel Darry open his arms 'n hold us both like were disappearin' before his eyes I just let myself be held. "You're here."

I am.

'N then he's shiftin' 'n I'm clutchin' his shirt tighter 'n he's pettin' my hair 'n tippin' my head back 'n not makin' me let him go though I'm too goddamn old 'n too big to be beggin' for my older brother.

"Keep your eyes closed, colt." 'N Soda's whisperin' somethin' low 'n soft 'n just louder than the sound the tap makes as it drip drip drips against the sink. 'N when the water runs along my temples 'n along the line of the scar that I'll carry until I die from the night I lost two brothers I don't think of the fountain.

No.

I think about the hot afternoon I won my first track race, felt sweat slide along my brow 'n saw the sun glint off Dallas' silver tooth even from way up in the stands. Hear the whoop of his voice still marred thick 'n heavy with his New York drawl. I think of runnin' home through the lot dodgin' the fat rain drops 'n stoppin' only to let Johnny catch up. Throwin' my head back 'n laughin'. Of the spray of a passin' car. I think of Soda laughin' as he flicks the spatterin' of water left on his hands at my face when we finish the dishes 'n mama not even scoldin' us.

I think of Darry's hands wet from the laundry as he runs a thumb absently over my face. Memorizin' it with calloused fingers when he thinks I've dropped off to sleep. The gentleness of his achin' love for us. Low 'n constant 'n how had I ever missed it?

"We're done, honey." 'N then I'm buried in his chest again, Dallas' jacket pressed against my stomach 'n Johnny's letter tucked into the inside pocket closest to my heart. Bangs drippin' cold between my brow, along my nose, 'n minglin' with tears never gone long enough to dry. 'N for the first time since it all, I'm right here. 'N it doesn't even hurt. It just aches.

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

and if i said suguru’s relationship with weakness (’the preciousness of the weak, the ugliness of the weak’) was born out of his feelings towards his mother …

[froggy-nebula]

vriska is really funny cause when you look at the shit she actually does shes not the best at manipulating people or flarp or combat she just cant win at any of her hobbies

[sarellathesphinx]

Constantly torn between genuinely loving the remake timeline’s depiction of Reeve and Cait and being immensely sad that pretty much all of my favorite lines of theirs from the original were totally excised or bc of plot developments will never be said

[carmenpeach]

what websites do people even use for art hosting anymore it seems like every site that was good for that has just gone down da drain, or has ridiculous restrictions. im not using the new twitter2.0 but what is there...

[fxckinemo]

i think i just met an angel????

[moe-broey]

"I didn't really raise either of you in a gendered way" When I was like 10 or 11 maybe 12 but definitely not 13 yet, one day you asked me if I wanted to try on the wedding dress you married my dad in. I liked playing dress up and I liked hanging out with you, so I said yes. We're in the living room that you would (already have?) marry my stepdad in. You button up the back of the dress, I don't know why this becomes a core memory. You married my stepdad in a sundress, very casual, very small "event", only the barest of minimum people required to officiate and witness the wedding were there. You tell me, "Maybe one day, when you get married, you can wear this dress. Oh, but you don't have to if you don't want to! But, do you want it?" I still have the dress. I'm a man. And I don't think I'll ever marry. "You can get rid of it, you won't hurt my feelings." I can't.

[ajxrn-archive]

I’m going to. rip my fucking hair out.