#mom is occuied w one of her kids and her grandkids now. i know they may be exposed to psychological damage | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

moe-broey · 18 hours ago

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"I didn't really raise either of you in a gendered way" When I was like 10 or 11 maybe 12 but definitely not 13 yet, one day you asked me if I wanted to try on the wedding dress you married my dad in. I liked playing dress up and I liked hanging out with you, so I said yes. We're in the living room that you would (already have?) marry my stepdad in. You button up the back of the dress, I don't know why this becomes a core memory. You married my stepdad in a sundress, very casual, very small "event", only the barest of minimum people required to officiate and witness the wedding were there. You tell me, "Maybe one day, when you get married, you can wear this dress. Oh, but you don't have to if you don't want to! But, do you want it?" I still have the dress. I'm a man. And I don't think I'll ever marry. "You can get rid of it, you won't hurt my feelings." I can't.

#i literally like. have such a chip in my shoulder about marriage it's unreal.#it's like. i don't even have the extreme fundamentalist excuse. everything was presented as a 'choice' or a 'suggestion'#but like. somehow. i still extrapolated Something from that. what you expect from me. what you want for me.#and as i got older. it became increasingly clear that i would never be able to. be anywhere close to that.#i don't know. i don't know why i'm just. going through it rn.#i don't know if it's cause i haven't seen her in a long time. fucked up but i think it's been a year if not longer.#she hasn't seen my piercings yet. that's how long it's been.#and like. i had such an intense one sided rivalry like. posturing myself as the better son bc #i'm the one who stayed when i had every fucking reason to leave. and. comparitively.#he has valid emotional reasons but i'm the faggot. i'm the tranny. you are and always have been the golden boy.#and you have NEVER lived up to it. and there are reasons. but you still get more humanity than i ever will.#even though objectively like you just fucked up. so much. so badly. at every turn.#idk i need to stop talking about it. but like. ever since it finally seemed like he's getting divorced #from. like. like. okay fine while i'm at it. it would have been FINE if you just fucked off had a kid got married #like. i COULD accept that and be happy for you. if NOT for the fucking fact that you ended up in.#just. a horrible horrible relationship where the poor kids you brought into the world were not safe.#and you are not free from guilt either.#man i really just. i need to fuck off for real.#but he's been living w my mom w his kids. and you know what. i feel like i'm free from my duties.#mom is occuied w one of her kids and her grandkids now. i know they may be exposed to psychological damage #but physically. they are safe. and god. is it naive. to hope that make he can reconcile w her.#not as a responsibility but like. he needed it. badly.#not like i'm ever gonna get the reconciliation i need. not that i even want it.#like. as a person. i just don't like him.

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