#it might be but

[deathfavor]

@ofsavior said: “I know things were different back then —” Chifuyu pauses, hesitation catching in his throat before he swallows harshly. “With Hanma. But you don’t… miss it…” There’s an edge of concern to his tone, as if he’s asking himself if he even wants to know the answer. Because if Kazutora says yes, then what does that even mean for them? His eyes search. Kazutora’s expression for answers, but they’re out of Chifuyu’s reach. With a final plea, he asks, “Do you?” (Bonten)

Kazutora tilts his head a fraction towards Chifuyu to show he's listening, but he doesn't look directly at him. Not yet at least. At most he earns a curious glance up from his phone when he hears the unusual hesitation before he looks back down. Chifuyu's pauses strike him more as contemplative than hesitation, like Chifuyu's picking the words to make his point clearer rather than being concerned or fighting to say them.

But when Hanma's name is mentioned, his head jerks up, earring ringing sharply at the violent gesture as he stares directly at Chifuyu.

" Why? What's brought this up? " Kazutora asks, suddenly finding himself defensive at the question. And he knows, he knows, that he's probably bristling over it. He consciously forces his shoulders to relax as he stares at Chifuyu and then looks away. They don't talk about the past terribly often. Or rather, Kazutora doesn't get the luxury to. Chifuyu mentions Toman from time to time, but Kazutora is all but mute on that particular topic. He offers a lending ear but he has little input other than the occasional rare remark. When he does, he always says it carefully, like the words are full of thorns. Valhalla talk had been reserved for the last time he'd seen Chome and Chonbo while in jail. He thinks he mentioned it once and had never said it again after seeing the reaction. But Valhalla wasn't a bad memory for Kazutora. Hanma wasn't a bad memory.

" Chifuyu... " Kazutora has a bad feeling about this. " You mean Valhalla as a whole? Or just Hanma? " He wonders if the distinction even matters to Chifuyu. Probably not. They're probably both bad to him. Just like Kazutora tunes out Toman memories on the occasions others are around to reunite. Except Kazutora simply always wanted to seal that chapter shut and move on. Toman hadn't been his refuge. But the way others speak of Valhalla is never pleasant. It's like a forbidden conversation.

" I don't exactly see myself running around smashing car windows like i did then. I'm not fifteen anymore. " He jokes, letting the sound scratch his throat. He can hear the concern and it feels like he's being tested. Again. " Listen, Chifuyu. I don't know what brought this up considering you avoid talking about Hanma or Valhalla like its the plague. But I was fifteen. I enjoyed it then. Valhalla. Hanma. I liked him. More than I ever had Mikey. It felt like my gang. " He shrugs, turning to look at Chifuyu, but his expression remains guarded.

Does he miss it? Kazutora watches Chifuyu try to read him, but his expression doesn't waver. Kazutora's watching Chifuyu just as intently if not more so. " Sure, I miss the bonds I had in Valhalla. I think that's understandable. I had good memories with Valhalla, Hanma, all that. Of course I miss some of those times. What outcast kid wouldn't when they found somewhere that felt welcoming and had fun? It's the same way you guys miss Toman. " But can Chifuyu get that? Or does the past make it too hard to see? to understand? " It's been gone for years, so what does it matter? They're just memories, Chifuyu. Most people look at memories good memories fondly, doesn't mean anything. I don't know what 'it' you're referring to, Chifuyu. Valhalla? Hanma? Gangs? The violence? My memories with everyone then? What are you REALLY wanting to know? "

He frowns. " So? You going to tell me what brought this up? " He asks, arms folded across his chest as he gives Chifuyu a pointblank stare. " Because it's not fair. You've never asked about Hanma or Valhalla. No one has. No one even says their names for fucks sake. So the fact you are now means something came up. " His frown deepens, shoulders hunching inwards like a shield. " It's not fair that I get to be on trial because I had good memories with my gang at the time and be condemned for that and everyone else gets to have their good memories. " He draws in a shaky breath, finally tearing his gaze away. One or the other. You can't have both. Did that apply to this? He couldn't have good memories of Valhalla AND still like this? No, no. maybe he was just...misunderstanding. The phrase makes his stomach ache. Maybe he's just understanding all of this.

" I thought..." His voice fades. I thought at least you actually believed in me. His head falls for a moment, opening his mouth like he wants to say something more. My mom did this, you know. When I first got out of juvie. Tiptoed around things she wanted to say. Instead he shuts his mouth and lifts his head to look at Chifuyu again with a business-like expression. " So? Can you just tell me what this is about? What you really want to know? Maybe I can answer you better that way. Just........say it. Even if it sounds terrible, I'd rather just hear it then play this game. " He stares at Chifuyu, the stoicism cracking. " Please. "

[amartworks]

had a fun experience on the subway the other day

[possumtion]

They’re back!!

[robyn-i-guess]

liking someone platonically is so embarrassing like. yeah i admire you. yeah i think about you all the time. yeah i look forward to every time i see you even if it's only for a minute. yeah it's all platonic and yeah i couldn't explain this because it'd sound romantic. fucking hell

[mroddmod]

the queen of the disco or whatever

[freackthejester]

I had a dream that a bunch of people were making jokes about how the economy was so bad that gay people couldn't afford closets and were just "in the corner"

[kosmogrl]

how the world feels when you listen to a song for the first time and immediately know you'll love it forever

[shadesofmauve]

I want to step away from the art-vs-artist side of the Gaiman issue for a bit, and talk about, well, the rest of it. Because those emotions you're feeling would be the same without the art; the art just adds another layer.

Source: I worked with a guy who turned out to be heavily involved in an international, multi-state sex-slavery/trafficking ring.

He was really nice.

Yeah.

It hits like a dumptruck of shit. You don't feel stable in your world anymore. How could someone you interacted with, liked, also be a truly horrible person? How could your judgement be that bad? How can real people, not stylized cartoon bogeymen, be actually doing this shit?

You have to sit with the fact that you couldn't, or probably couldn't, have known. You should have no guilt as part of this horror — but guilt is almost certainly part of that mess you're feeling, because our brains do this associative thing, and somehow "I liked [the version of] the guy [that I knew]", or his creations, becomes "I made a horrible mistake and should feel guilty."

You didn't, loves, you didn't.

We're human, and we can only go by the information we have. And the information we have is only the smallest glimpse into someone else's life.

I didn't work closely with the guy I knew at work, but we chatted. He wasn't just nice; he was one of the only people outside my tiny department who seemed genuinely nice in a workplace that was rapidly becoming incredibly toxic. He loaned me a bike trainer. Occasionally he'd see me at the bus stop and give me a lift home.

Yup. I was a young woman in my twenties and rode in this guy's car. More than once.

When I tell this story that part usually makes people gasp. "You must feel so scared about what could have happened to you!" "You're so lucky nothing happened!"

No, that's not how it worked. I was never in danger. This guy targeted Korean women with little-to-no English who were coerced and powerless. A white, fluent, US citizen coworker wasn't a potential victim. I got to be a person, not prey.

Y'know that little warning bell that goes off, when you're around someone who might be a danger to you? That animal sense that says "Something is off here, watch out"?

Yeah, that doesn't ping if the preferred prey isn't around.

That's what rattled me the most about this. I liked to think of myself as willing to stand up for people with less power than me. I worked with Japanese exchange students in college and put myself bodily between them and creeps, and I sure as hell got that little alarm when some asian-schoolgirl fetishist schmoozed on them. But we were all there.

I had to learn that the alarm won't go off when the hunter isn't hunting. That it's not the solid indicator I might've thought it was. That sometimes this is what the privilege of not being prey does; it completely masks your ability to detect the horrors that are going on.

A lot of people point out that 'people like that' have amazing charisma and ability to lie and manipulate, and that's true. Anyone who's gotten away with this shit for decades is going to be way smoother than the pathetic little hangers-on I dealt with in university. But it's not just that. I seriously, deeply believe that he saw me as a person, and he did not extend personhood to his victims. We didn't have a fake coworker relationship. We had a real one. And just like I don't know the ins-and-outs of most of my coworkers lives, I had no idea that what he did on his down time was perpetrate horrors.

I know this is getting off the topic, but it's so very important. Especially as a message to cis guys: please understand that you won't recognize a creep the way you might think you will. If you're not the preferred prey, the hind-brain alarm won't go off. You have to listen to victims, not your gut feeling that the person seems perfectly nice and normal. It doesn't mean there's never a false accusation, but face the fact that it's usually real, and you don't have enough information to say otherwise.

So, yeah. It fucking sucks. Writing about this twists my insides into tense knots, and it was almost a decade ago. I was never in danger. No one I knew was hurt!

Just countless, powerless women, horrifically abused by someone who was nice to me.

You don't trust your own judgement quite the same way, after. And as utterly shitty as it is, as twisted up and unstead-in-the-world as I felt the day I found out — I don't actually think that's a bad thing.

I think we all need to question our own judgement. It makes us better people.

I don't see villains around every corner just because I knew one, once. But I do own the fact that I can't know, really know, about anyone except those closest to me. They have their own full lives. They'll go from the pinnacles of kindness to the depths of depravity — and I won't know.

It's not a failing. It's just being human. Something to remember before you slap labels on people, before you condemn them or idolize them. Think about how much you can't know, and how flawed our judgement always is.

Grieve for victims, and the feeling of betrayal. But maybe let yourself off the hook, and be a bit slower to skewer others on it.

[crow-caller]

as a child there's nothing cooler than a kid who gets subjected to evil experiments and gains special abilities. it's even cooler if these abilities also cause unfathomable suffering to use/against others. children love stories like this.

[atissi]

locked the fuck back in

[mayhemchicken-artblog]

in the hour or so it took me to draw this op turned reblogs off

EDIT: reblogs are STAYING OFF. op was right and correct and i have never regretted making a post as much as this one. if you want to reblog my art you can reblog something else from my blog. or commission me, lord knows i deserve financial compensation for the nightmare this post has put me through

[sirompp]

hi. i made some images.

feel free to take them and use for whatever you may need them for. no credit required

[incessantlark]

made some icons of the pony crew !!

[archi-pelago]

maybe never forgive. but things are different now. so we'll use maybe.

[8pxl]

new notepad concept,,,, been a couple yrs since ive released one!~