#it may not seem like it but I am a functioning adult

[cringe-and-unhinged]

Sorry if the one anon ruined requests for you. People are too impatient smh.

Aww, thanks for worrying about me. 💕 Impatient Anon made me a lil 😒 but it didn’t sting too deep!

The bigger issue is just my Dumb Brain. I really do like doing requests for everyone! But sometimes I get frustrated when it won’t come out how I want, so I put it down and work on other things, then go back to it later. And that cycle can repeat for weeks, and I hate it, ugh.

GOOD NEWS, THOUGH. I just started my new job yesterday and I LOVE it (unlike my shitty old job) so I may have more energy to do things! Which is good for me because there are SO many things I wanna make, and good for y’all because you get more STUFF.

[lynxgriffin]

What are your predictions for Deltarune Chapters 3-4 ?

Hmmm, let's see...

I think Susie and Ralsei are going to work out very quickly that Kris was the one to create this fountain. Susie's going to brush it off like "Okay yeah I get why you would, it's okay we'll just have fun and seal the fountain when we're done anyway!" and Ralsei will try and act like it's not a problem, when he clearly is bothered by it, and this will start to build up some tension between Ralsei and Kris.

I am open to Toriel being another side party member, less convinced yet that we'll be seeing another adult like Undyne or Napstablook there as well. I do not think we'll be getting a Snowgrave repeat where Toriel is manipulated into killing Undyne or anything like that. If there's a weird route continuation here, it'll be handled very differently.

I don't think we'll be seeing more of the Dreemurr household in the dark world; it'll just be focused on what's on the TV. We've already got a few possibilities for areas: a cooking show, the weather report, and the monster movie, plus we do keep getting hints that the western show may show up in some capacity.

To that end...hopefully a Susiezilla sequence for the monster movie part!

Unsure of what Mike's role will be in here, but I'm anticipating Tenna as the main big bad for this Dark World.

I don't think anyone has guessed the secret boss for chapter three yet, and I don't think anyone will. Thusfar for secret bosses, there's been no hints of them from other places, and you have to go out of your way to find them. Their function as Darkners made from discarded/forgotten objects makes sense in hindsight, but isn't obvious from the get-go. All we know is that we'll need the shadow mantle for a future secret boss, and that that's missing now.

At the end of chapter three, Asriel is going to call on the landline phone and talk to Toriel briefly, but WE won't get to actually communicate with him and it's going to drive me bonkers.

We know less about chapter four, except for some very basic things...Susie and Kris have a few scenes talking out in the light world, and it's raining some of that time. It could either go the direction of an all-light world chapter, or another dark world they explore the next day.

Assuming it's the latter and there's another dark world (which makes more sense to me), I feel the best location options are the hospital, the church, and Asgore's flower shop. If there's a thread started in chapter three getting into more of the Dreemurr family history and Kris's place in it (which does seem to be the case), Asgore's shop seems the best bet to continue that thread next, so I'm going to predict Asgore's shop for chapter four.

Since that's a flower shop and all, a more Alice In Wonderland sort of theming seems likely, with more of a jungle/wild area that the Fun Gang has to explore compared to the city and sound stage areas of previous chapters.

I am expecting Catti (and potentially also Jockington) to be future Dark World partners, and either chapter four or chapter five seems a good option for that.

I think Catti is necessary as a partner 1) because of her occult history with Kris, 2) her focus on protecting Noelle, who I could see showing up in the Dark World again as early as chapter four or five, and 3) her clearly having beef with Susie.

If we're dealing with Kris's family history through chapters 3 and 4, I can see that then going into more of Susie's backstory and whatever is going on with her family. I get the feeling that Catti knows some secret about Susie that makes her dislike her more than just "she stole Jockington's hat once", and that will need to be resolved in conjunction with learning more on Susie's situation.

Every day in-game that big-headed blue bird monster is going to reveal another shelf in the second floor of the library, which will slowly give more worldbuilding lore, and it's going to be maddening just getting those little crumbs of info one at a time.

We'll be getting more Knight hints, but not a real reveal until chapter five.

[jaemmphilia]

goodbye love (moon jaeyun)

☾ featuring: moon jaeyun x m! reader ☾ synopsis: right person, wrong time with jaeyun :D ☾ content: 0.7k words, nothing too crazy, a sprinkle of angst here and there, but its mostly tame. written for my bub kyu @luvkyu☾ notes: this is loosely based off my friend's experiences with first love and breakups, other than that, no notes :D ☾ jaemmphilia, 2024. plagiarism of any kind is forbidden.

y/n feels the familiar burn behind his eyes, the tears start to roll down his cheeks, making goosebumps rise on the back of his neck at the feeling. despite his blurry vision, he can very clearly see the words on the screen of his phone.

jae-bear 🥰: 'i think we should break up.'

the young male rereads the message over and over, the shock traveling throughout his body, like waves crashing along the shore of a beach. he places his phone face-down on his bed and he stares at his socked feet, not really focusing on one particular thing.

y/n thinks back on his relationship with jaeyun. the two were both just 13, they had no idea what it took to be in a functioning relationship. the two would meet up every morning before classes began, then they would walk to their classes, holding hands. they would exchange short pecks on the cheek whenever they would part ways, and they would enjoy their lunch break together.

it was always y/n and jaeyun. never one without the other.

y/n sighs as he steps into the unfamiliar building, his hand coming up to lightly scratch his chin. his eyes dart around in all directions, hoping to see a map on the wall. seeing none, he decides to just walk in a random direction in hopes of finding either a map of the school, or the main office.

as y/n walks, his eyes glued to his phone, he bumps into a wall. well, he thinks it's a wall, but then he remembers that walls don't make human-like exclamations of shock.

y/n's phone flies out of his hand as his body stumbles backward from the impact. y/n's face heats up from the embarrassment of being so distracted that he actually smashed into another person.

as his mouth opens to spout out a million apologies, his eyes land on the person he ran into. he's met with a very familiar face.

moon jaeyun. his ex-boyfriend from the 7th grade (...could he really be considered a boyfriend?).

y/n stares for a while. jaeyun still harbors the same features, but more mature, more adult. y/n thinks jaeyun looks so much like his dad.

"oh my god, y/n? is that you?" jaeyun says enthusiastically. y/n snaps out of his trance and he smiles gently. the two may have broken up forever ago, but there was no bad blood left behind.

"yeah, it's me. how have you been, jae?" y/n asks, still using the nickname he gave jaeyun when they first met. y/n almost apologizes for using it, feeling like it's too soon.

jaeyun doesn't seem bothered by it because he keeps smiling and even picks up y/n's phone and the tote bag he dropped during the collision.

"i've been pretty good! life's not terrible, you know?" jaeyun says, talking to the other male as if no time had passed in between them. "i had no idea you were coming back this year, but i'm really glad you did! we have to catch up!"

y/n realizes that the air feels light, like it used to when he would hang out with jaeyun outside of school, when they were alone at each other's houses, laughing and making jokes.

"yeah, i was doing online classes at first, but i realized that i desperately needed human interaction. so here i am," y/n explains, taking his items from jaeyun. their hands touch and it seems as if the two of them felt the same tingling feeling on their skin.

they look up at each other with wide eyes and warm cheeks. they both break out into cheesy smiles and soft laughter.

"hey, let's get lunch together. you're still obsessed with pastries, right?" jaeyun breaks the stare-down, his hands moving to take out his phone.

"i was not obsessed with pastries back then! i just really liked them!" y/n defends himself, his arms crossing over his chest as he shakes his head.

jaeyun rolls his eyes playfully before speaking. he knows y/n hasn't changed much since middle school, at least personality wise.

"whatever, you always begged to go to our boba spot because you wanted their cherry tarts! you ordered it every single time!" jaeyun says with a laugh, pointing an accusatory finger at his old friend.

y/n's eyebrows raise. had jaeyun really remembered his favorite treat from the boba place they frequented?

"i can't believe you remember that. before you go," y/n starts, taking jaeyun's phone from his hand and opening the male's contact list, his finger scrolling until he spots his name.

"my number hasn't changed. see you at lunch, jae-bear."

[ms-demeanor]

how do you factor brushing your teeth into the "letting yourself fall asleep while doing stuff" strategy?

Well let's preface this with the fact that I'm kind of a disaster:

I brush my teeth in the morning.

Sometimes I'll brush my teeth right after dinner (and I'm usually finishing dinner at like 10pm) and then I'll be up for another few hours and I just. Like. Try not to sweat it? I probably brush my teeth around 10-12 times a week, which is less than the recommended twice a day but honestly for me is a pretty significant improvement over where I was in, like, 2013. Getting to daily tooth brushing was a significant achievement that I had to start using an activity tracking app for. Washing my face daily is still a struggle. I am *not* great at being what a lot of people seem to consider "normal" or "functional" but I'm getting by and I'm getting better.

Ideally in a perfect world where brushing my teeth wasn't going to mean that I'd be awake for another three hours I'd brush my teeth right before tucking myself into bed in my PJs with the lights off.

But it *is* going to mean that so I brush my teeth and floss when it's not going to impact that and fall asleep in a bright room with my glasses and jeans on.

And TBH it's working out. I've got pretty fucky teeth anyway (double row of wisdom teeth, teeth when i was a couple weeks old, had all my adult teeth by the time I was seven, have had something like eight root canals and have a shitload of crowns) so it's hard to say if this has had an impact on my dental health (had a lot of those crowns and root canals when I was brushing and flossing twice daily because my parents made me as a kid) but since my last "i haven't been to the dentist in nine years and my damaged tooth broke in half during the first month of covid" fiasco I've been brushing every morning and flossing mostly every morning and getting in extra brushing and flossing when I can, I haven't had any further cavities or other issues past treating what nine years of neglect did (it's been 3 years of being pretty okay and they don't tell me that i need to floss more at the dentist so i consider that a success).

At one point a dentist told me that plaque buildup starts after about 24 hours of the bacteria in your mouth being undisturbed and that the 2x daily recommendation is to make sure you don't go 24 hours without shaking the little fuckers up. I don't actually know if that's accurate, but it has helped me to be more regular about brushing my teeth (look; depression and adhd is a bad combo and there were some rough years there) and also helped me to be more regular about brushing my dog's teeth.

So anyway please don't follow my example please do what your dentist tells you to do but also yeah if you're having sleep issues it may be more important for you to get sleep than to get up and brush your teeth right away. Brush in the mornings for sure, try to do it every day, use a toothpaste with fluoride and floss or use a waterpik to get below the gumline; then try to get in another brushing when you can, ideally at least one other time a day.

But you don't have to brush exactly twelve hours apart or right before you go to bed, and if you're eating and drinking after you brush your teeth but before you go to bed it isn't ideal but it also isn't a disaster.

[sorcerous-caress]

to dance with you | Astarion

[ fluff, heavy angst, bad end, character death, trauma, nb!reader ]

[Before the events of bg3, Reader is one of Astarion's victims ]

I am very sorry.

There was no taste to numbness, no colour, shape, or smell.

Just an absence, an emptiness. 

You couldn't escape it, no matter how much you tried. Much like total darkness, the abyss waited for you back home at the end of the day.

And while you knew it was hopeless to attempt to rationalise your way out of it, to cling to some justifications that explain that lack of warmth in your life, that just maybe it somehow made you superior to endure, you knew deep down it was a waste of time.

There's no dignity in suffering. There's no prize for enduring agony. 

Your drink was getting cold.

Lifting the cup to the edge of your lips, you swallowed down what you could of the lukewarm liquid. Barely registering the taste of it.

You're spiralling again. You always did around this time of year.

People say one must imagine sisyphus happy, and yet you've dragged your own corpse up this hill too many times to count. Clawed your way out of rot and into a resemblance of a functional adult.

Staring out the cafe window into the snow-covered city, you finished the rest of your now cold drink. It was barely night, and yet the sun has already said its goodnights.

The streets will fill out soon. The buzzing of the nightlife was just on the horizon. 

You found it ironic in a way, for how much Lathander's followers loved to proclaim the sun as the symbol of absolute goodness, then how come people only felt like being their true selves at night.

It felt like a curtain being drawn at the end of the show, when the angels slept and the pressure to perform melted away.

You should take your leave soon.

Your eyes shifted to stare into the bottom of your empty cup, traces of the remains of your drink have dried up in various shapes. 

"Good evening" a voice called out to you, someone standing in front of your table, next to the empty chair.

Looking up, you were met with ruby eyes. Silvery hair and curling around pointy ears, framing the pale face and.

"Would it be alright if I joined you, my dear?" The elf continued, voice gentle as if coaxing a rabbit out of its nest.

You don't know why, but at that moment you nodded.

He sat down on the opposite chair.

You weren't superficial. At least you didn't think so. People couldn't control their appearance, so what right do you have to judge them based on it?

Yet when you took in the man in front of you. His half lidded eyes made you the sole point of his focus, the subtle smile to his lips. You would've been blind to pretend that it didn't affect you in some way.

"Do you mind if I buy you a drink? Something to warm you up, maybe?" Clear concern in his voice, "it tends to get very cold quickly at night, and we don't want someone as lovely as you getting sick now, do we?"

He was…worried about your health? A stranger you've never met before?

You shook your head. "No, it's alright." He was probably just trying to be nice, "I wasn't aware I looked miserable enough to worry a stranger, I was just about to leave anyway."

His eyes widened, his smile dropping. "No wait…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend" he cleared his throat, seemingly embarrassed by the misunderstanding he caused, "But where are my manners? You may call me Astarion." 

You stared at the hand that he extended to you, he didn't seem phased by your hesitation to shake it. In fact, he patiently waited for you.

Not wanting to make this more awkward than it already is, you took his hand. He smiled again.

You told him your own name, and he said it suited you. His cold hands let go of yours after running his thumb across your hand.

"Please excuse my previous…failed attempt. I'm not used to approaching people." His eyes looked to the side, probably to mask his nervousness, you thought.

He seemed so bold and confident moments ago, yet the second you mentioned leaving, he immediately switched. 

Huh, people really aren't what they seem like, you thought to yourself. Who knew behind his confident facade was just someone like you.

"It's alright, I'm sorry for my rushed assumptions." You felt bad. This person was just trying to be nice, and you were rude to him for no reason but your own paranoia.

"I noticed you since you walked in," he admitted, "you looked…simply breathtaking." His eyes drank you up, taking in every detail of your form.

You've barely noticed him. You've barely noticed anyone in the cafe. You were too occupied wallowing in your own misery to give the outside world more than a passing glance.

"I'm flattered, really." You admitted, "but I'm not sure if I will live up to your expectations…" as shameful as it was to admit, you thought it was better to warn him early on than to pretend to be someone you're not.

Astarion's hand reached over the table, holding your own in a loose reassuring grip. Giving you enough space to pull back if you wanted to.

"Oh no, trust me." He gave your hand a comforting squeeze, "you're simply perfect." His voice dripped with honey, warm and sweet sliding down your throat.

You held his hand back.

"Then let me make it up to you, how about I buy you a drink? To warm you up." There was a playful edge to your voice as you repeated his words, "well by how cold your hand is, you probably really need this drink."

Amusement filled his face as he chuckled. "You clever little thing." Your eyes followed his tongue as he licked his lips, "I'm starting to like you already."

After a couple of drinks and some time, the two of you ended up leaving the establishment together. Light conversation flowed seamlessly and weaved into one another between you both.

To say he was easy to talk to would've been an underestimation. You felt like you're hanging out with a lifelong friend instead of a stranger you've met a couple of hours ago.

You really didn't pay much attention to time flying by, not when the night sky looked so mesmerising above you. Not when Astarion sat next to you on the garden bench.

And while your conversations didn't stay light for long, he didn't seem like he minded as he leant you his shoulder to lean on while you expressed your worries.

"I think you should tell them. They're your parents, after all." His arm kept you close to his body, "Isn't it their job to help you during rough times and all of that?"

"I don't know, I'm supposed to be an adult." You hid half your face in his shoulder, "I much rather suck it up until I find a new job, and then maybe I'll tell them."

Easier said than done. It's been a week since you've handed in your applications, and yet not a single letter was sent back to you.

"I just don't want to be a burden," you continued "sometimes I wish I didn't worry them so much. Maybe they'll do better without me holding them back." 

Astarion didn't reply. His hold tightened around you.

"Sometimes…I wish I could just disappear." You buried your face in his neck, taking in his scent and closing your eyes.

Again, no reply, only the sound of the night breeze rustling the nearby bushes. The moon looming over the both of you and showering you in her light.

A waning moon.

"I ruined the mood, didn't i?" You let out a bitter laugh as you pulled away from him, "I'm sorry."

There was a somber expression on his face, his usually sharp eyes appearing soft and round.

"No, not at all." He said, "I was just thinking about your words. Wishing to disappear."

With a heavy sigh, he turned to you. "I could preach to you all night about how valuable a single mortal life is like they do all morning at those temples, but we both know that's bullshit." His voice sounded more natural, vastly different from the smooth sultry tone he had before. "Life will still move on, with or without that person."

You snorted, "What, not a fan of the church and gods?" 

"More like they're not fans of mine. But I suppose we can't all have taste." Getting up from the bench, the moonlight illuminated the edges of his hair like a halo, completely facing you.

"I suppose they're missing out." Walking by his side, the two of you strolled through the garden at a slow pace. Hands occasionally brushing against each other.

"Definitely, who wouldn't want this face on their side. I'd probably get them more visitors than their clerics ever could." Leaning closer, Astarion stopped in his tracks as his hand held your face.

"Actually, something tells me you'd do very well at that job, helping others." You leaned into his hand, eyes fluttering shut for a moment.

With a sarcastic laugh, he said "Please, me?" 

"Yes, you." When you opened your eyes, you were met with his intense gaze, "you're really good at making people feel at ease, letting them speak their worries. Like you did to me."

"Darling, I did no such thing." He lowered his eyes to your lips, licking his own. Maybe he was using this as an excuse to avoid your gaze.

You gently lifted his chin to look at you again, "Sometimes the best way to help someone is to listen to them, truly listen." 

His lips pressed into a thin line.

"I have been cold and rude to you, and yet you've treated me with warmth…that's a gift, you know. I won't ever forget it." Your own hands cupped his face, contrasting against his pale cold skin. "So yes, if you ever consider being a cleric or something one day, you'll definitely have my recommendation." 

Closing the distance between the two of you, your lips gently pressed against his forehead. Wishing his safety and well being with a quick peck as you pulled away.

His own hands left you long ago, laying abandoned on his sides. His fingers twitched.

Taking a deep breath, you saw his usual easy going smile come back. You felt at ease again as he returned to what you knew as his normal self. "I can think of a way or two you could repay me then, something we would both enjoy greatly." he said.

You felt a subtle touch against your hips, his hands asking permission to hold you.

It was getting really late, you realised. Your dogs must be worried sick back home. Their anxious figures waiting in front of the doorstep, you remember kissing them goodbye before you left.

...

It will be alright, it's just one night. You always left them more food than normal just in case, so they'll be safe and happily fed until your arrival.

Maybe you can even introduce Astarion to them tomorrow. You have a feeling they'll absolutely love licking his face until his hair is a mess.

"Yeah." You pushed his hands to fully grip your hips, his smile grew. "That sounds good to me."

-

The time spent during the walk to his home flew by. He was very good at making you lose yourself in the moment. 

Stepping inside, he kept a tight hold on you as he led you through the corridors.

Huge oil paintings adorned the crimson walls, a red carpet to match. You immediately noticed the lack of windows, and whatever ones you could spot had a thick layer of black curtains drawn closely shut over them.

He ignored any servants you passed by, and likewise, they seemed to pretend you didn't exist either, as if you were invisible like a ghost.

Astarion's demeanour shifted the second you stepped foot inside the palace, and his replies reduced to one word or less whenever you tried to start a conversation. 

You had a sinking feeling in the pits of your stomach, gnawing at your flesh and slowing down your steps.

"Is something wrong?" You asked him after he led you into a bedroom at the end of the hall. "You don't seem well."

His back was turned to you.

You took a step forward, placing a hand on his back. "Astarion?"

He flinched away from your hand the second you touched him, as if you burned the flesh on his back. A low hiss of pain escaped his lips.

Turning to face you after a few seconds, his expression was schooled back into the most charming smile.

"I just tend to get nervous when it comes to initiating intimacy." He told you, a nervous look in his eyes as he shifted slightly.

Oh, is that why he has been acting this way? You offered a comforting smile. "That's completely alright. We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

"... really? Even when you came the whole way here?" He said with a sceptical tone, "nonsense, my dear, I will get over it in time. I just…need a couple of minutes, yeah."

"I really mean it, Astarion, we don't have to do anything." You repeated yourself more firmly.

You thought your words might offer him some relief, yet the subtle frown to his lips only grew deeper. 

"How about we just get comfortable on the bed and see where the night takes us?" He offered, unbuttoning the cuffs of his embroidered shirt and sitting on the lush bed.

You didn't like his total disregard for your offer. You could tell he wasn't believing you. But you didn't want to push him at the time, so you just let it go.

After making some adjustments to your clothes until you were in a comfortable state, you joined him on the bed. He immediately turned to face you. His body was so close to yours.

"Now…" he whispered so close to your ear. "Just how much I wanted to make you mine since the moment I saw you."

One thing led to another, a teasing touch there, a promising squeeze here, and the taste of his lips against yours.

He just knew how to take your breath away, how to get you to melt into the kiss. Wanting more, chasing after his tongue for another taste.

His hand going down your body, feeling your throat, your chest, your waist, and then your thighs. Heat collected between your legs. You could feel your body respond back to his expert touches, completely ignoring your brain and forming a mind of its own as it grinded against his hands.

Pleasure was overwhelming you. It was both too much and not enough at the same time. It was addicting and consuming.

Was he enjoying it, too? Did seeing you this needy and responsive to his touches make him burn with lust and desire for you?

You tried breaking the kiss to get a good look at him, but he wouldn't relent. Wouldn't give you a chance to even think about anything else but your own pleasure.

When you finally managed to pull away from his lips, you couldn't get more than a glance at his expression before he immediately went for your neck. Sucking and marking the flesh with vigour, teeth sending shivers down your spine.

You didn't realise how sharp his teeth were until you felt them graze your neck. They were almost alarmingly sharp, one wrong move, and they'd glide easily into your flesh.

"Astarion…" you called out to him. His lips left your neck and took it as an invitation to kiss you again, stealing your breath away. "Astarion no wait- " you mumbled between each kiss.

That got him to stop, his hands pulling away from your body.

"Yes my love?" He breathed against your lips.

Your eyes met his, you took in his dishevelled appearance, the flush to his cheeks and his wet glistening lips. His eyes looked like they held desire in them, inviting and tantalising.

But the more you stared into them, the less they seemed to look at you and instead look through you. Deep inside his eyes, he was a thousand miles away. 

You couldn't even see a hint of desire in them if you took away the facade.

"I don't want this." You whispered.

"Did I do something wrong?" 

"No…I just don't want this."

He got off of you, giving you your space back.

Neither of you mentioned it, instead each of you stuck to their own side of the bed.

It was clear he didn't know how to proceed forward, a crease to his eyebrows while in deep thoughts, as you assumed.

The silence was uncomfortable, unbearable even. Your mind wandered back to your home, your comfortable safe haven. 

In an attempt to lighten the mood, you said, "one time, Luna cost me over 5000 golds."

Seemingly coming back to reality, it took Astarion some seconds to fully register your words, "Luna?"

"My dog," you said, "the sweetest shepherd you'll ever meet. I came home from work late one time and she wagged her tail so fast that she fractured it." 

"She sounds charming." Astarion let out a soft laugh, "although, why Luna?"

"She's black and white, you know like the phases of the moon. I thought it was clever at the time." You admitted, "or are you more of a cat person?"

"I'm not an animal person at all, honestly." 

"What, are they also not fans of you?"

That got another chuckle out of him. "They tend to be too smelly for my liking, but I'd take a cat over a horse any day." 

He turned his body to face you again, you did the same.

"Really? Luna adores horses, she could teach you a thing or two."

"Are you really not only suggesting that the dog and I meet up, but that she'd also take me as her pupil?"

"I mean…well yeah, I was kinda hoping I'd take you to meet her tomorrow morning." You cleared your throat, "well that's if you want to.

His focus seemed to drift again, "...you don't happen to have cats, do you?" His tone was quieter than before, eyes not fully meeting yours.

"There's a stray that comes to visit Luna daily, he's not very friendly to other people but who knows." As corny as you thought your line sounded, you still proceeded to say it in hopes it will lift his mood up, "maybe he'll also fall victim to your charm like I did."

Instead of the reaction you expected, you were met with genuine scepticism.

"Ha" his laugh was bitter, "you don't have to spare my feelings darling, I know you don't see me that way."

You sat up on the bed.

"What do you mean?"

He looked up at you, you felt like he was attempting to make himself smaller against the pillow.

"Oh I'm not holding a grudge or anything." He claimed, "I can admit it when I'm not someone's type or whatever."

Brushing a strand of his hair behind his pointy ear, you tried to coax him to meet your eyes again. "...Astarion, I am very attracted to you.

He leaned away from your hand. "Then why did you want to stop?"

The truth burned in your throat to admit. "I just…I didn't feel like you were enjoying it. Like you wanted it."

That look, the eyes staring through you.

Astarion seemed very conflicted, about what? You weren't sure. But you wanted to comfort him, to take away his pain and carry it yourself instead.

He never denied your words.

You pulled your hand away from his hair, still not laying down beside him as you watched his body curl under the covers.

"It's alright, you don't have to explain anything." You got up from the bed, "I can leave if it's-" just as you were about to pick up your clothes, his hand immediately grabbed your wrist in a desperate grip.

"No," he said with dread in his eyes, "you can't."

It was a complete switch from his previous state, you weren't sure what to even make of it.

"I can't?" 

He seemed to catch himself, letting go of your wrist.

"stay with me, at least for tonight." His eyes were pleading, "we can just hold each other, isn't that what you want?" 

He sat up from the bed, gently taking your hands in his as he led you back to the comfort of the sheets.

"It's what I want." He whispered, voice so inviting and beckoning you closer, "I swear." 

You weren't strong enough to resist.

Following after him, your bodies pressed together under the soft sheets. You only felt your own heartbeat in your chest as he held you close. He was cold, so you shared your own body warmth to warm him up. 

The candles in the room were burning out, a calming silence fell. Lulling you to rest and let the day end.

You could only hear your own heart beating.

This was nice, it felt nice and safe so it must be.

Just as sleep was about to steal you away, Astarion's voice nudged you back awake.

"What do you like about me?" His voice was raw, sincere.

You couldn't see his face, "you, of course."

He moved against you, "obviously, now be more specific."

You tried to think about it. It felt like one of these important questions that'd shape your future relationship with him, so you tried to give it all of your thoughts.

There were so many things to love about him, but many of them were things you'd still love him without.

Yet they were still parts of him, but how many parts were actually him.

"Your nature." Was the answer you gave, still not quite satisfied with it.

"Oh shit." His serious tone didn't last long before being replaced by a playful one, "I didn't invite a druid to my bed, did i?" 

You snorted, "very funny, but I meant it." 

Even without seeing his face, you felt his lips curl upwards against your skin. Claiming that small victory was enough for you.

"You know" you found yourself rambling, "my day was going absolutely horrible until you showed up. I don't usually really believe in gods or miracles, but…you were the closest thing to a guardian angel I've ever had."

A yawn escaped your lips, you continued.

"I was too inside my head. I forgot that a whole world outside existed. A world with people like you." Your eyelids fluttered, sleep lurked behind them. "As shitty as life can be, somehow I believe things will be okay." 

Adjusting your position so you could face him in the dark, you felt his body stiffen against yours.

"Goodnight Astarion." you gave his forehead a small kiss, wishing for his safety and well being. "Rest well."

-

The deep hours of the night is when the Szarr palace fell the most silent. Merely an hour or two separating them from dawn.

A warm living breathing body laid next to him, just like many others before. And Astarion embraced them just like many others before.

But the waves of emotions swirling inside him like poison were definitely new.

He didn't get a hint of rest, he couldn't. As much as he wanted to just close his eyes for the remaining hours and ignore the waking world. After all they will definitely disappear in the morning, so what's a few hours of blissful ignorance?

But he just couldn't, the thought itself threatened to turn his stomach inside out. Disgust he has never felt in years lurching at his insides.

It's their fault, it's all their fault.

They should've made it easier for him. They should've just closed their eyes, spread their legs, and ignored his existence. 

They shouldn't have mentioned their stupid moon dog. They shouldn't have made him leer inside at the idea of having parents to support you yet still choosing to suffer alone.

How dare they be so cruel? How dare they kiss his forehead so tenderly.

He was choking. His throat burned so much that every breath felt like needles being dragged against the inside of his neck.

Worst of all, he could still hear their heartbeat. Did his own sound like that before? Is this what it felt like to have a speck of evidence that you're alive? 

A constant reminder of your mortal life, of your endless potential, of your stupid naivety and your pointless kindness.

His whole body was shaking.

Cazador will be here soon. Just like so many times before.

He needed to act fast. He needed to do something. Otherwise, he felt like he would go crazy.

They don't deserve whatever that monster did with all the others. They don't deserve a fate that cruel, not someone like them. Please God, anyone else but them.

He prayed, holding them closely as he begged and pleaded with each one of the Gods he could recall the name of in his state of panic.

If not for his miserable life then please do something for them, they're still a mortal, they're still one of your children. Please god just save them.

Like always, no answer came.

Astarion felt hopeless, useless and small. 

He stared in horror at his own hands, still in the same praying position. He truly had nothing to offer.

Nothing except a dignified death.

Death would save them from Cazador, Death would save them from torture.

Death was what he should've picked that night almost two centuries ago. 

Careful not to disturb their peaceful rest, Astarion grabbed a pillow.

He took one last good look at them in the dark, he engraved their face into his memory.

He wanted to lean over and give them one last kiss. He didn't feel like he deserved to.

The pillow pressed against their face, slowly cutting off their oxygen.

Astarion held tightly. He kept his hold firm even as they struggled.

He couldn't take his eyes off of the pillow, his tears falling and staining its white cover. A drop after another.

As their struggles died down, by that time, he had gotten his side of the pillow entirely wet. He still held firm, despite his shaking fingers, despite the blood slowly joining his tears onto the pillow from how hard his teeth dug into his lips.

At these hours, the Szarr palace was the most silent. He couldn't risk making a single sound.

Only when a heartbeat ceased to exist did he let go of his grip.

He got off the bed, closed their eyes and covered their face with the sheets. He sat on the floor, head next to their cold dead feet.

Despite his clean hands, he swore he felt their blood on them, seeping into his skin and marking him forever.

Not just their blood, but the blood of every innocent miserable person he lured back into this hell.

He just wanted to save them, to save this one person. Take a life in stride and carry the guilt to the end of his days. 

It was just one life, one very precious person.

Was a very precious person.

But he forgot to account for the hundreds of lives he has taken indirectly before, it was easier to forget when it wasn't his own hands stopping their heartbeat.

His whole world felt like it stopped because of one life.

As he sat there on the cold floor, naked, shaking with tears streaming down his face, he heard the very familiar tapping of a staff against the floorboards.

All of his feelings vanished in an instant, as if he was drowning in a deep volcanic abyss before getting pulled into the freezing surface.

He could not feel his fingers, numbness spread throughout his whole body.

The tapping got closer. It was heading towards him.

Cazador was heading towards him.

There were no feelings left inside him, just pure numbness.

There was no taste to numbness, no colour, shape, or smell.

Just an absence, an emptiness. 

He couldn't escape it, no matter how much he tried. Much like total darkness, the abyss waited for him back home at the end of the day.

[consumeroflemoans]

Hiiiii analyzing every part of the Subnautica 2 trailer that I can because I am unwell.

Starting off we have a diver in a deep empty abyssal-like area. Typically in the depths there is a source of bioluminescence or at least rock formations for light to reflect off of. The only place inside the game there’s this much empty darkness is the dead zone.

This could mean we have the chance to explore the dead zone! Or that there’s a new area that has similar features to the dark depths of the void.

This would be a banger feature to have considering how horrifying the dead zone is to traverse already. It would provide a new difficulty to the game if we had to confront or avoid packs of adult leviathans to progress.

The trailer then shifts to what could be the safe shallows or twisty bridges equivalent in this game. It seems we’re getting what looks like a proper reef! It’s super neat to see the game being more colorful with its environment design.

We also have a clear look at a new species of fish in this game. Considering its shape and large eye it could be a tropical/reef version of the peeper (or maybe the feather fish?). Or it could just be a new edible fish entirely!

All in all cool design. I do like how vibrant they look

Ok now for one of the most hype things in the trailer. Some sort of hermit crab based leviathan? It would be fascinating to have a leviathan that shows up in the shallows instead of only in deeper water. It could provide an additional challenge but I think this would be something similar to the reefback. Perhaps one of the elements of gameplay would be making it lift itself to access things hidden beneath it?

Next up we have what looks like an underwater city or at least a big building in the background. It’s pretty much a given there’s mysterious underwater structures in this franchise but I personally think it would be fascinating to have a proper Atlantis style city in Subnautica. This could also maybe incorporate the Architects into it? Like maybe after Al-An went to his home planet he brought back more Architects to cure the Kharaa and they set up a base.

Then again this also doesn’t exactly look like Architect architecture which is more of a cube structure. It looks closer like a temple’s architecture from what we can see. Maybe it could be a new alien species? That seems less likely

Next we have a specific feature that I am so hyped to see. It looks like Subnautica may be adding rip currants or something similar. Something that would actively make it more difficult for a player to swim to the surface. This would be so interesting because other than caves/islands/ice flows we generally never have something preventing us from going to the surface in Subnautica. Nothing actively pushing the player back at least. This would be a fresh new difficulty to get used to (if done correctly, at least. It could also be very annoying)

From there we get into something extra curious. It seems like we may have a second human in this game. Before Subnautica’s concepts have been based in the fact your character is alone on this planet with the odds against them. The way I see it, this addition can largely go three ways:

- a possible addition of a co-op system to Subnautica: unlikely, but it has been semi-popular in modding communities. People would have fun playing with their friends but I think it would take away from the horror aspect of Subnautica, one of its major draws

- a human companion that joins you in your journey: slightly more likely than multiplayer, but still not the direction I think they’d go. This could open the game to having puzzles that need two people and a companion could function similar to the sea monkey (bringing you needed items basically). This would also require a lot of AI and would probably be more annoying than anything else, however

- someone like Marguerite or Al-An that shows up in cutscenes and phone calls but mostly stays in one place: the most likely scenario. It could be we have a home base of sorts where this person is stays and gives the player hints and coordinates

Also as a note the vehicle she’s driving looks like a sea truck. Please oh please tell me it is not Sea Truck 2.0

Aaaand now we’re onto the most hype part of the trailer. We have a new leviathan!

This one looks a lot like a Kraken type with a bunch of limbs. It could maybe be related to the crab squids? Like a dead zone version of them? It could explain why it’s attracted to the vehicle

Or as a completely out there theory this could maybe be architect technology like the warpers? It may just be me but the way it moves its hands and its claws are very much reminiscent of heavier machinery. It would be so banger if the architects built themselves a leviathan.

Either way it would be fascinating to encounter a leviathan with the ability to seek out a grab a player with ‘hands’. Before creatures typically grab with their mouths or pinchers like the Reaper. This would be an interesting twist to learn to avoid

In conclusion I am unwell about this game and the theories are buzzing. I am so hyped

[bumblebeerror]

i saw your post about "testosterone" puberty and while i appreciate the sentiment, i think you're wrong. and i say this as someone who is amab and went through an amab puberty.

i didn't sweat that much at all. and even when i did in summer, it was nothing a shower, soap and deodorant couldn't fix. my hair never got greasy, even when i was depressed and went for a week without showering or washing it. in fact, it was the opposite: it was unusually dry. my skin also never got oily and was always dry.

very few of my peers stinked because we practiced proper hygiene. it's your own responsibility as a teenager to clean yourself and practice proper hygiene, no matter how much testosterone you make. it's not a valid excuse to be dirty.

the reason you're sweating so much is probably because you're overdosing on testosterone. most transmascs on t take doses WAY HIGHER that what the average cis boy/man produces. the average cis boy/man has levels of 400-500, meanwhile the average ftm dosage is around 800-1000.

also, the timing of testosterone production is different. cis boys/men produce it daily (every morning), meanwhile you guys get it weekly (whenever you take your shots). so it's more evenly spread out amongst cis boys/men.

if you're bothered by the symptoms you're experiencing, you should talk to your doctor about lowering your dosage.

Oh yay unsolicited health advice

My levels are round 400 as of my last blood test, thanks though.

I’m gonna stop you right there at my injections - testosterone injections are not done into veins. They’re done intramuscularly (into a large muscle) or subcutaneously (into the layer of fat that sits under the skin). This is because injectable testosterone is oil based, because it is meant to absorb slowly through the week, similarly to how it’s produced.

Not to mention, my body also… does make testosterone. Like on its own. Not enough to masculinize me, but testosterone is a hormone that regulates things like ovarian function and bone density in afab folks. All this to say that my body knows what to do with it, and if my levels were too high, my dose would have been lessened when my blood was tested. In fact I seem to struggle to absorb it properly - I originally started on low-dose T and had to increase it because it barely raised my levels at all.

With that out of the way, I’ll address the rest;

That… doesn’t change the fact that while you personally may not have sweat much or had oily skin, a lot of my classmates the first time I had puberty did. And a lot of them were my friends, because I was the only person who didn’t treat them like dirty and gross for struggling to adapt to their bodies changing.

Going through puberty the first time for me meant almost no change in how much I sweat, stank, or how comfortable I was. A week out of the month I had to deal with smelling like blood and dealing with pads and being extremely uncomfortable - im not saying it was a breeze, but what I am saying is I didn’t have to worry about gym class leaving a smiley face in sweat on my shirt, or being unpresentable in general unless I was on my period. And even then - if someone called me on it I could always say I was on my period and people would fuck off about it. Besides that, I’m saying I didn’t have to change my hygiene as a teen whatsoever. No changes. No increase in showers. No extra deodorant.

What I experience now is similar to what I saw my friends experience, and what I saw them catch absolute hell for.

Something that I, as an adult, do have the tools and knowledge to handle. But as a child, I would have struggled immensely.

I said it before and I will say it again. Sweaty, stinky, disheveled teenage boys are learning entirely new routines in order to be presentable. They’re fucking kids, and I personally think if you make fun of kids for not being able to adjust to a change that is so huge, I think that’s pretty shitty tbh.

They deserve a break.

[canisvesperus]

I’ve seen some discussion on this, so allow me to explain something.

Some people do not seem to grasp why artists like me draw so much fashionable Eridan. He’s not fashionable at all, just look at his canon outfit, they say. Well, it is simple. Eridan is one of the few trolls actually experimenting with fashion at a young age in the comic. Look me in the eye and tell me you too weren’t a hot mess trying to dress “fashionable” in middle school. Yet, chances are that if you had that awareness and drive early on, you will also develop a sense of style and grasp on aesthetics earlier in life compared to your peers. This was my experience. I was well known for being very stylish as a kid, but this didn’t happen overnight. Indeed, if you were one of these kids you most definitely started off with some odd or disharmonious clothing combinations that you threw together in an attempt to express yourself aesthetically despite inexperience in that type of self-expression. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I usually draw young adult Eridan. Obviously given some time, his tastes would develop and mature into something derived from those original aesthetic visions, but far more cohesive.

It’s clear he’s trying to assert his individualism and status in his clothing choices, and most of y’all shrug him off as having bad taste while not also foreseeing the intent and vision behind those choices. I see it, and so do other artists. We differ in how we portray this derivation because there are frankly a dozen different directions he could take it depending on the circumstances of the post-canon/fix it scenario. This is why you may see me refer to the Eridan in my depictions as “my Eridan”. I don’t presume to depict something identical to Homestuck proper, nor am I particularly interested in doing so. If you’re the type of person who is married to the events of canon and cannot consider a scenario involving an older Eridan who was allowed to grow and change, this is why we are not seeing eye to eye— and I’m certain this is the root cause of various other discourses as they pertain to portraying the character in post-canon fanworks. That’s fine. That’s your choice. My choice is different.

Eridan consistently demonstrates concern (an excess, really, which backfired for him in the cruelest of ways poor thing) with respect to how he is perceived, hence the consciously thought out image-crafting and classic Eridan façades that his own peers call him out on for being poorly executed, transparent, and otherwise not believable. They were kids. This is normal. Of course he doesn’t have himself figured out yet. It’s a process. Some people in this fandom believe his façade in the most literal and uncritical of ways but this is all a story for another day. Is his drip game shit though, without regards for fan interpretations? If you’re asking me, I don’t think it’s really that bad considering his age. I really don’t think it’s that bad. That kind of scarf with the cape is a bit much to wear around the neck. Maybe he’ll swap the big scarf for something similar in function and category but less top heavy— a cravat, jabot, bandana, or lavallière? If the cape is too overwhelming for the rest of the outfit, a smaller caplet, shawl, or a coat will work. To accommodate some of the alternative neckwear, a shirt with a collar would be preferable. What many people perceive as a turtleneck sweater, need not be entirely sacrificed. Put a sweater vest on that boy. I see lots of complaints about the shoes and pants. More discreet pinstripes and more formal shoes (field boots, paddock boots, oxfords) will work. Of course he can go in the opposite direction, less formal, in that case the cape can go and the long scarf can stay, get some cool sneakers, consider denim bottoms or casual slacks in a single color, accents welcome. However this isn’t the derivation I pursue so I feel less qualified to speculate. He could ditch all of it even. Start new and fresh especially if he were to go through a markedly subversive reclamation of identity and character redemption sort of process. In any case, he can work with it!!! You just have to believe in him.

I believe Eridan had a lot of narrative potential that was wasted, possibly out of disinterest for the character. It’s only predictable that artists like me simply want to devise a world in which these characters had a chance to actually live their lives. I truly do not understand why there has to be so much confusion over this. That‘s all.

[silviakundera]

Dramas I watched in 2023

[Chinese Dramas]

My Journey to You - Wuxia. Spy games, badass ladies, subtextually homoerotic cousins. Gentle & sweet ML who melts the cold & calculated heart of FL assassin. Gorgeous setting and cinematography. Left me with a burning desire to see Zhang Ling He play more gentle babygirl MLs and Esther Yu to play more anti-heroes. Absolutely perfect to me.., if we just pretend the director didn't add a pointless cliffhanger in the last 5 min. Which is how I choose to live my life.

Story of Kunning Palace - 'rebirth' costume drama that I waited to air for like 2 years or something and then it... actually didn't disappoint? And was almost everything I wanted? 😳😲 This is THE couple for that post about the pair that need to be stuck in a neverending monogamous relationship with each other as a quarantine measure to protect everyone else.

A Journey to Love - wuxia perfection. The stand-out drama that I wasn't expecting. Murder mommy & murder daddy became an otp for the ages and all of the supporting characters were interesting and dynamic. I cared about so many more characters than I expected and never fast fowarded. Just immensely satisfying.

The Ingenious One - wuxia with a weak, scheming scholar protagonist on a revenge quest (yes, we've all heard that before!) who puts together a group to execute his cons, Leverage style. I love me a martial artist x weak scholar couple 👌. Some exciting twists & turns in this one. Both A Journey to Love and The Ingenious One are best enjoyed coming in with little to no information. Hell, skip the trailers and simply dive in!

Hidden Love - Modern drama. Top tier romance-novel-on-screen writing and acting. It felt honest and real. The coming of age arc for the FL was well done. Great brother & sister relationship that feels authentic. The ML's backstory was so heart breaking because it was never overplayed for melodramatics. Just a quiet pain, a distance and a burden he carried with him.

Road Home - Modern. "Do you remember who I am?" / "Yes. If I were to turn to ashes, I would still remember you." I am very weak for the "reunited exes", "second time around" trope when the actors are capable and the breakup wasn't a narratively convenient 'misunderstanding'. As a career woman who works very long hours, I also tend to appreciate modern drama relationships where the couple manages to stay functional & supportive while not having a lot of free time for each other. That's my version of wish fulfillment 😂. I felt like this narrative made me fully understand why they couldn't make a long distance relationship work as young adults but now they're ready and have experienced enough of the world to know that they are happier with their lives joined together than apart.

Love You Seven Times - xanxia. I wrote a whole review post (love letter) on this one, since it seems rather underrated. I feel like this one may actually end up one of my fav examples of the genre. I just sincerely bought into the couple and their mutual devotion.

The Last Immortal - xanxia. Terrible trailer but turns out to be a decent show. I'm a fan of the genre, so I'm enjoying it. (I think you do need to be, to enjoy it - it doesn't transcend or really subvert..just a solid representation of xanxia) I like both lead actors and they do a good job with the material. It's working better for me than Ancient Love Poetry and Ashes of Love. After being eager for Song of the Moon in 2022 but then being let down (I dropped that one quick), I'm very happy 2023 brought me 2 xanxia I liked.

Three Body - modern sci-fi. Book 1 of my fav sci-fi trilogy of recent years. As a novel fan first, I was pleased to see it on screen with talented actors. Eager for book 2.

Love Me, Love My Voice - modern drama with an unusual couple (2 introverts) and dubbing fandom hyper fixation. A laid back relaxation drama, to de-stress with. Minimal plot, no conflict. Just sweet slow burn relationship building, singing & audio performances. Supportive friendships.

Here We Meet Again - modern drama that suffered from sloppy editing. I mean almost incoherent editing in a couple places, like when they are counting down the days until getting married and then.. It's not mentioned again? 🙃 But I very much enjoyed the couple's chemistry. I can't say it was objectively good but it sure was compulsively watchable for some reason.

Royal Rumors - Costume drama that was so aggressively mediocre that I don't have any real explanation for not dropping it. Except I find the lead actress unspeakably alluring. Blame my hormones.

Dropped

Back to the Brink - xanxia. Great concepts but the execution didn't work for me. I'm not a fan of slapstick and wacky humor within serious subject matter. (It's the reason kdramas can be very hit or miss with me.) The amount of humor layered into AJourney to Love is basically my limit for tragicomedies. (Note: I did go read the book and it was very entertaining - the tone was much more to my taste.)

My Lethal Man - modern. Embarassing english name, but they had me in the first half, not gonna lie. Then after her identity was exposed, I wasn't feeling it idk. Sometimes it's just not that complicated.

Destined/Chang Feng Du - costume drama. idk really why I dropped. I watched about a 3rd of it and then was distracted by other shiny objects. I plan to come back to this one in 2024 and finish.

Romance of the Twin Flower - costume drama; unholy abomination of a great novel. I hope somehow, someday, the culprits pay for their crime. Need I say more?

[Korean Dramas]

Perfect Revenge Marriage - a modern rebirth tale. For the 90% of it, I was high on the love of a drama that is just what you didn't know you wanted. The camp, the dedication, the scenery chewing, the glorious evil step mother. It was magical. And then the last 2 episodes I found underwhelming. I can't really explain it, the climax just didn't hit for me. But that's very much a personal taste issue and I'd definitely recommend to all drama lovers who enjoy the genre. Seriously, the performance of evil step mommy was a master class.

King the Land - modern workplace romance. I've heard complaints that there wasn't much of plot. But tbh that was fine with me, because some dramas are simply character pieces. This was all about the personal growth of the FL and ML. I ended up invested and rooting for the ML to become a decent guy who isn't a gross classist like his dad.

Destined with You - modern reincarnation drama. I blame my lingering kdrama good feelings about King the Land for convincing me to keep powering thru this one. Such a strong start but then half-way in I began to realize it simply wasn't going to go into the direction I wanted it to. I still have no idea what they intended to communicate with that love potion subplot.

Vincenzo - modern crime drama. I was late to the party on this one. But after I got around to watching the delightful Kinnporsche, this was rec'd to me as another drama that embraced the bigger than life unreality of Fantasy Mafia™ and provides a rollicking good time. Absolutely ridiculous and compulsively watchable. 10/10.

[American]

House of the Dragon - Awful people doing awful things to each other, as a 1st act before everything goes straight to hell. Plus freaky dragon-riding fantasy incest. What's there not to like?

Fall of the House of Usher (YES i DO watch every horror drama by Mike Flanagan thx) - Was it as good as the first 3..? No. Did I still breathlessly binge it in 2 days? Yes. Awful things happening to awful people, poetically. 👌 👌

[hyakinthou-naos]

So I’ve seen a lot of posts lately from other people on whether or not minors should be devotees and I’m curious your thoughts on that?

Khaire Anon,

Thank you for your question! This is a more serious and somewhat touchy topic in the community, so I am going to attempt to answer with grace and kindness.

Also, please also be aware that while these are the opinions of both myself and The Temple, neither is a religious authority and our word is not law.

With that being said, the short answer to this question is that - yes - I believe that minors can be devotees. So long as they understand what being a devotee means, and willingly consenting to said relationship.

(The following might seem like a silly analogy, but bare with me.)

When someone is a minor, they can consent to romantic relationships with others. These relationships are different than those of their adult counterparts, but they can still be validly classified as relationships/dating. However, minors cannot consent to engagement or marriage until both parties are of legal age.

I personally believe that religious experience and devotion/devotee-ship functions similarly.

When a minor is a devotee to a God/Deity - it may seem to the adults around them that they're not a "real" devotee (whatever that means). But just because it looks different than adult devotion, and just because there are limitations on the minors devotional practice does not make their experiences wrong or less legitimate within its own context.

There is some additional nuance to this subject that I will elaborate on below the fold.

Some Context:

I was raised Roman Catholic (my mother's family has been Roman Catholic for as long back as we can trace) and before I even knew how to speak I was attending mass. I didn't enjoy church as a child, but I was forced to go. I then became devoutly religious for a few years in my early teens before I symbolically left the faith. I say symbolically, because until I was 16 I was forced to attend mass as well as take Catholic Confirmation Classes.

So for the majority of my childhood and adolescence, I experienced what I call "Compulsory Worship" (aka Involuntary Worship).

With that being said - onto the nuance:

In the Hellenic Polytheist Community, as well as the Pagan Community at large, there seems to be the mindset (in some people, not all) that minors cannot consent to or have religious experiences.

I think that mindset is very dangerous, and swings to the opposite end of the spectrum from Compulsory Worship, into Religious Infantilization (aka Age Based Religious Infantilization).

If a person, be that they are a child - a teen - or an adult, wants to explore and experience religion then I believe they should be allowed to do so (as long as they are being safe, respectful, and kind).

When it comes to the topic of minors become devotees to a God/Deity - I think there is some grey area. I do subscribe to the common belief that minors cannot consent to the same things as adults - but that isn't to say that minors can't express and experience consent.

In my opinion, I believe that if a minor feels that they want to dedicate a part of their life to a specific God/Deity that they should be given the space to explore that type of relationship and commitment. However, I do not think that minors can consent to lifelong devotion and I do not think that minors can make oaths to The Divine.

At the end of the day, whether we agree with it or not, minors are going to engage with religious ideologies, concepts, and traditions. We can either help them and be a part of that process, or we can leave them to flounder on their own.

I think it is a much better use of our time to help these individuals explore these topics safely as opposed to shunning them or trying to control them without empathy.

But again, these are all just my thoughts and opinions, and I'm not the boss of anybody.

Thank you again for your question anon, exploring this topic through my answer was really enjoyable.

Eirene - peace and farewell,

- Aön

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Eric W. Dolan

Published: Jan 3, 2022

Cognitive performance is slightly reduced among those with higher levels of celebrity worship, according to a new study published in BMC Psychology.

“Interest in the topic of celebrity worshipers spans almost two decades. From several studies, over that period, research showed a weak to moderate tendency for those who showed the strongest admiration for their favorite celebrity to have lower cognitive skills, using a variety of cognitive measures,” explained study authors Lynn E. McCutcheon, Ágnes Zsila, and Zsolt Demetrovics in a joint statement to PsyPost.

“However, most of these studies did not control for a variety of extraneous variables. The current study did control for several possibly relevant variables.”

In the study, 1,763 Hungarian adults completed a 30-word vocabulary test and a digit symbol substitution test, a validated assessment of fluid intelligence. The researchers also collected data about the participants’ self-esteem, current family income, material wealth, and highest level of education.

Celebrity worship was measured using a scientific questionnaire known as the Celebrity Attitude Scale. The scale asks participants the extent to which they agree or disagree with statements such as “I often feel compelled to learn the personal habits of my favorite celebrity,” “I am obsessed by details of my favorite celebrity’s life,” and “If I were lucky enough to meet my favorite celebrity, and he/she asked me to do something illegal as a favor I would probably do it.”

Even after controlling for demographic and socioeconomic variables, the researchers found that high scores on the Celebrity Attitude Scale were associated with lower performance on the two cognitive ability tests.

“We found a weak tendency for those who showed the strongest admiration for their favorite celebrity to have lower cognitive skills, suggesting that the earlier results were not due just to chance,” the authors of the study said. “Our results also support previous findings showing that excessive behaviors such as celebrity worshiping can possibly impair cognitive functioning, presumably due to the increased focus and energy invested in this behavior that becomes dominant in the individual’s life.”

“Although celebrity admiration seems not to be a strong precursor of poorer cognitive performance, high levels of admiration can be regarded as one contributing factor to lowered performance in tasks requiring cognitive effort, independently from education or age.”

But it is unclear whether celebrity worship is the cause or consequence of reduced cognitive ability. For example, it “may be that individuals with higher levels of cognitive skills are more likely to understand the marketing strategies behind a famous person,” and thus less vulnerable to celebrity worship, the researchers explained. But it is also possible that celebrity worship functions like an addictive behavior and requires cognitive effort to be maintained.

Previous research has found that celebrity worship is associated with addictive and problematic social media use.

“Future studies should seek further support for our suggestion that the cognitive effort invested in maintaining the absorption in a favorite celebrity may interfere with the person’s performance in tasks that require attention and other cognitive skills,” the authors told PsyPost. “Although our research does not prove that developing a powerful obsession with one’s favorite celebrity causes one to score lower on cognitive tests, it suggests that it might be wise to carefully monitor feelings for one’s favorite celebrity, keeping in mind that most celebrities are human beings who have some flaws just like average persons have.”

The study, “Celebrity worship and cognitive skills revisited: applying Cattell’s two-factor theory of intelligence in a cross-sectional study“, was published November 8, 2021.

--

Abstract

Background

Almost two decades of research produced mixed findings on the relationship between celebrity worship and cognitive skills. Several studies demonstrated that cognitive performance slightly decreases with higher levels of celebrity worship, while other studies found no association between these constructs. This study has two aims: (1) to extend previous research on the association between celebrity worship and cognitive skills by applying the two-factor theory of intelligence by Cattell on a relatively large sample of Hungarian adults, and (2) to investigate the explanatory power of celebrity worship and other relevant variables in cognitive performance.

Methods

A cross-sectional study design was used. Applying an online survey, a total of 1763 Hungarian adults (66.42% male, Mage = 37.22 years, SD = 11.38) completed two intelligence subtests designed to measure ability in vocabulary (Vocabulary Test) and digit symbol (Short Digit Symbol Test). Participants also completed the Celebrity Attitude Scale and the Rosenberg Self-esteem Scale. Subjective material wealth, current family income and general sociodemographics were also reported by participants.

Results

Linear regression models indicated that celebrity worship was associated with lower performance on the cognitive tests even after controlling for demographic variables, material wealth and self-esteem, although the explanatory power was limited.

Conclusions

These findings suggest that there is a direct association between celebrity worship and poorer performance on the cognitive tests that cannot be accounted for by demographic and socioeconomic factors.

==

[walrus150915]

The most random out-of-order Nimona headcanons I've scrambled out of my mind and put in my notes as coherent as I could bc there's a LOTTTT

• I don't think Nimona uses specific names to label her sexuality/gender. Was she in love with Gloreth? Maybe she was. Maybe she was not. Does she like boys? Who knows, she sure doesn't. What's her gender? Nimona. That's it

• I think Ballister did try to be the cis ally™ and figure out the label Nimona would use but she'd just shrug her shoulders and say "I don't know, boss, it seems like you care about it more than I do"

• And even though she's NOT a girl, she uses she/her pronouns because 💥YOUR PRONOUNS DON'T DEFINE YOUR GENDER💥 you may use she/her and not be a girl, he/him and not be a boy, I even saw cis people use they/them simply bc they're comfortable. And that's okay!

• Although she's comfortable with people calling her he/they/neopronouns you name it. Just. Not it/its. You know the reasons😬

• Nimona is left-handed and it's CANON actually I am SO HAPPY as a left-handed person she's just like me fr💥💥

• Nimona isn't a big fan of domestic bliss Ambrosius and Ballister spend most of their time in (plus they're very sappy and very much disgustingly in love, Nimona's stoic organism can't handle their mushiness for the dear life), she's like an independent cat I think: comes to hang out, eats, spends time with her father-not-really figures and goes away for weeks only to come back again. She travels the world my dudes✨

• I think she has a bunch of photos from the places she'd been to and talks about her adventures a lot!

• Nimona also is the best cook of the fam I'm afraid. Ballister cooks, like, the bare minimum to serve himself as a functioning adult (rice, salad, pasta, some meat like you know the deal) but nothing too complicated. Ambrosius is a nepo baby who's probably lived in palaces and mansions with dozens of servants do you really think he's good at cooking😭 as he distanced himself from the Institute and moved in with Bal I think he learnt to cook, still not great at it.

• Nimona though? SHE CAN DO *ANYTHING* like she's madly good at cooking. It might look like she's burning the kitchen down only to reveal that she was putting Gordon Ramsay to shame!

Speaking of BallBros

• Ballister's experience is close to a second gen immigrant. Ambrosius's experience is close to a third gen immigrant. They can't be immigrants bc of the context of the story?? I DON'T CARE☺

• Ambrosius doesn't speak his mother tongue except for like a few words or phrases he's heard at home. His older relatives probably make fun of him for it on family gatherings. His parents didn't teach him because they didn't want him to stick out (totally not self projecting here - yeah I'm a third gen immigrant hiii)

• Ballister tho? I think Urdu was his first language but he learned English along the way

• And it kinda mixes in his head so he forgets the words from both languages sometimes and replaces them with the word from the other one (HA my experience again)

• When he's experiencing hard emotions, be it anger, happiness, sadness, or is overwhelmed, he drops English entirely and just starts bantering in Urdu

• Ambrosius didn't know Ballister was bilingual but when he learnt it? He was amazed and I think... Kinda jealous because he didn't get to learn Korean himself (self projection yeahhhhhh)

• "You know your mother tongue? Damn! I wish I did too!"

• That said, Ballister has no idea how to shorten Ambrosius's name (WHAT THE HECK IS THIS NAME BRO WHAT ARE YOU, GOD'S FOOD???), so he sticks to Urdu endearments, "luv" (in the most British accent possible) and "darling"

People who say French/Spanish are the romantic languages are wrong LISTEN TO URDU OR INDIAN LANGUAGES OR ARABIC. THAT'S WHERE LOVE IS DUDE

• Ambrosius has learnt like a few words in Urdu and tries to rizz up Ballister by saying some basic words like "jaan", "mohabbat" and just😭😭😭 fails😭😭😭 because he's a cringefail man😭😭😭

I remember trying to ask out my (NOW EX😔) gf who's Italian by writing "will you be my girlfriend?" in Italian and I used GOOGLE TRANSLATION🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️ SHE UNDERSTOOD THAT I USED GOOGLE AND POINTED IT OUT AS A JOKE BUT I CRINGED AT MYSELF SO HARD..... Ambrosius would totally do that too and Ballister would chuckle and pull him in a kiss bc he loves this cringefail man so much

• Ambrosius also serenades like I KNOW DAMN WELL HE DOES. He goes "this one's for you, Bal" with a wink and sings like the sappiest most disgusting love ballad ever and Ballister tries his best not to laugh because that's his beloved boyfriend but also like.... So cringe. So embarrassing😭😭 Nimona has more balls than her boss so she would outright say that it's cringe

• Also. I don't agree with people saying Ambrosius's a jock because have you seen this man?? He's a theatre kid. The worst kind of theatre kid. Even after not being a kid anymore he's still a theatre kid. BRO IS A HAMILTON FAN UNIRONICALLY, OF COURSE HE IS. He makes weirdass references to musicals and giggles like an idiot

• Can we agree that Ambrosius was an awakening for many teenagers because OOOOH BOY he sure would be mine. Some pop news youtube channel probably has a video of him reading the kingdom's equivalent of "thirst tweets", like yknow this type of vids😭😭

While we're on the topic of thirst tweets

• Diego the squire runs a fan page account with edits of Ballister like he's some pop celebrity

• He also may or may not write self-indulgent "Ballister x reader" fanfiction in his off duty time

• Also hc that when Ballister was on the run he saw some "WANTED" poster of him and hang up on the wall like yeah boy's crush is EMBARRASSING (can we blame him? I'm the same with Riz Ahmed)

• Todd would be on the "straight" side of their equivalent to TikTok. You know the ones with shirtless men with the same haircuts who think they're hot when in reality they're not?? That's what Todd and his friends are up to in their free time *throws up*

To wrap it all up NOT with Todd, some super random ones:

• Ballister and Ambrosius force Nimona to take her shoes off ("DO NOT bring your European nonsense in this ethnic household") in their house even though she doesn't even have boots on😭😭 it's just her skin😭😭😭 so she morphs her form to simply be shoeless😭😭😭😭

• Ambrosius knows how to tap dance. Idk don't question it I just think he does

• Nimona plays piano YEAH SHE DOES she's lived for 1000+ years man she can do anything

• Ballister's hair routine is "genetics, coconut oil n some prayers"

Yeah that's it I'll probably make a part 2 because it's not all... These characters have occupied my mind and won't let it go🧍‍♂️

[incandescentflower]

Thanks to @lurkingshan and @twig-tea's enthusiastic recommendation, I have been on an extensive emotional journey in finally watching the Miracle of Teddy Bear.

I hadn't heard some of the negativity about it that others seem to have heard. I saw it on a best of BLs list. But I had also heard that it was emotionally heavy and that the ending was bittersweet so I hadn't sought it out because it sounded like it took an emotional investment I rarely feel capable of making.

And ultimately, those sentiments were correct. The show expects quite a bit from the viewer, but you are very much rewarded for your efforts. This is not a drama that I could watch casually. It was thought-provoking and emotionally-challenging. My chest felt heavy the entire time. The second half was especially intense. I would specifically recommend watching the last episode when you can give it full attention. I found myself ugly crying and needing to go run an errand right after, which was not ideal.

Comments with specific spoilers under the cut -

It was clearly packaged as BL to get an audience, but then decidedly said to its viewers "this is not the BL you would expect," which was what it gave us the majority of the series. My only thoughts that are even remotely critical are that at the very end, they spent a lot of time making sure the viewer knew that Inn's Tofu was still the stuffed teddy bear and the amount of time it spent on it felt like it was playing hard to the ship.

I appreciated the acknowledgement, but it felt excessive. I personally didn't needed to spend a lot of time on it to feel good about Tofu's decision and him returning to be a teddy bear. That had been carefully earned by the narrative all along the way. And if you weren't open to the journey they so painstakingly laid out at that point, no amount of showing Nut and Inn's Tofu visually connected was going to sway that.

I may be alone in those feelings because I was also more compelled by Nut's relationship with Tarn than his relationship with Tofu. I loved Tofu just like everyone else, but his relationship with Nut wasn't one that was equal and I was never fully comfortable with that. Tofu didn't have his own life outside of Nut. Tofu's love was beautiful for giving Nut exactly what he needed at a time when he was so broken and so alone, but it never was what I wanted for him in the long run. The whole point was to watch Nut grow and become a more functioning and happy adult (and yes, go to therapy, that was so nice). Having an essentially co-dependent relationship couldn't be part of that.

I wish they had spent more time on Nut and Tarn's resolution, if only to make it more apparent to some that the story was equally about Nut's relationship with him. That doesn't negate the tremendous amount they did to go against genre conventions throughout the series, which was already a huge risk. The story began and ended with Tofu so it made sense he was the focus. I just wanted it to feel a little more balanced.

Even with these sentiments, I was so impressed with what they did with this drama. My thoughts keep gravitating back to it and I am sure that will continue on for quite some time.

[wetcatspellcaster]

Did you see Neil Newbon’s take that Ascended Astarion is the real him free to act on cruelty and violence and the spawn is the one with the mask? Yeesh.

Ooooooh, THAT'S the disk horse that's happening right now!! I knew something was happening (I felt a tremor in the waters) but I had no clue what it was lmao, I don't follow cast stuff.

I will try to respond to this in good faith, but I'm not very good at fandom discourse and so I'm afraid it may not be the answer you want.

I can see why that reading might make people angry, but I dont have strong feelings about it. Obviously, it's not my take on Ascension, but from the beginning I've been very upfront that my take is serving the genre I'm writing in and the ship dynamics I find hot. My Tav is lawful good to an unhealthy extreme, and that was how she was conceived in her Early Access bullying phase. And meanwhile, I wanted to be in a Gothic horror where he's obsessed (morality chains will do that to you) and they beat the shit out of each other. I have to make the Ascendent a monster, for that to work, and for people not to feel guilty every time they enjoy watching him getting stepped on lmao.

But I do feel like there is a morality policing around Astarion's ending that I don't want to partake in. This might seem dumb for me to say, given that my Tav is a veritavle walking moral policeman, but that is bc I fucking love Villain/Heroine ships, so I am literally right there, at the Devil's Sacrament with everyone else.

While I like the good ending and prefer it for many reasons, I would agree with a reading of Newbon's words that it could be read as a mask. This might be bc I mask with the best of them, am doing it right now even as I write and edit this ask 20 times. There's masking as an outright lie, and then there's masking as 'gotta get through day to day life as a functional adult without everyone suddenly deciding they hate me'... I personally think its nice that spawn!Astarion cares about other people, and cares about being a functional member of society at all! It shows he's no longer a lonely outcast.

I could also go deeper (the autism really shining through in this reply) and say it's a mask, in the sense that this has been deemed the 'polite' and morally correct ending, that is acceptable to others and enables the player to feel good about themselves. Which is often a way we derive pleasure from media, and not wrong in and of itself! Making Astarion good makes players feel good - that's not wrong, but if we're comparing endings, we have to acknowledge it. An Ascended Ending doesn't really cater to that impulse... unless the player really likes to be dommed (more power to them).

Unfortunately anon, I can't sit here with my most popular fic being an Ascended!Astarion fic, and pretend that there isn't a bunch of fascination or interest surrounding the Ascended version of his character. People clearly want to explore the implications of his evil ending and indulge in the excess of it, but feel bad doing so. People don't ascend him in-game, but they go to my fic and other people's fic because they want to have some space to enjoy the implications - in the sexiness, in the timeline where Astarion has revenge, in a timeline where he is obsessed with Tav etc. I mean, just look at me, I can't sit through the Ascended scene, but I'm here writing a fic about it!!

The fact that it seems to happen more in fic than in playthroughs tells me, if I was to get super deep in a tumblr ask, that people feel guilt about it. Some kind of mask is being employed, by someone, somewhere, in that mix. So I'm not about to add to any of that kind of policing. It would be pretty disingenuous of me to get my most feedback from an Ascendent fic I am writing, and then judge people for liking Ascendency narratives...

So while I don't have much interest in pretending the evil ending isn't the evil ending, that doesn't sound to me (second hand, through you, with my brain seeing 7 or 8 different implications) to be what Newbon is saying. He's just saying that the Ascendent is the less palatable Astarion to other people and that spawn!Astarion still has some kind of mask or a politeness filter on. Which... yeah. Kinda. In my world, I like that Astarion decides its worthwhile to restrain himself, because he has things to care about potentially ruining. But that's still in many ways employing restraint. People don't just stop masking, they learn to care about what others think in a healthy way. They have friendships, relationships, other ties to the world, that make them want to be something other than a cruel or violent or evil version of themselves. I think that's nice, and far less lonely but um... yeah. I can see Newbon's point, even if I don't want to like, live or die by it.

[dissociacrip]

this is okay to rb i think, especially if you have anything to add or any insight. idk. i'm tagging this the way that i am because i'm seeking community/connection(tm) or something

hypotonia is not like. a rare thing. not really. but i do remember my OT googling what it was.

low muscle tone/hypotonia may technically be a symptom rather than a diagnosis (barring benign congenital hypotonia, which afaik is controversial) but it's the closest thing to a "diagnosis" i've been given for some of this stuff because the potential cause of it hasn't been investigated and i guess it's not exactly urgent since my particular case isn't severe and doesn't seem progressive (hypotonia can be progressive & is involved in some progressive and degenerative conditions.)

but i wish it was talked about more and i wish more was known about it works and how it affects bodily function and i wish what we DO know about it was more accessible to the public when it comes to those who suffer from it. it's also kinda hard whether to KNOW you have it or not since its "signs" have so much overlap with other conditions that aren't related to muscle tone. it ranges a lot in severity too. and there's two different types (central and peripheral.) it's linked to dozens of diagnoses too which is why i say it's not uncommon.

but also i guess due to the complexity of how it affects the body and its lack of distinctiveness with most of its symptoms makes it kinda...hard to talk about? and i imagine w/ some people it's hard to distinguish the effects of hypotonia vs. their other problems. issues with chewing, writing, breathing, speaking, posture, coordination, etc. can be due to so many different things ranging from mental to physical. but it's not always something that can be lumped together w/ those other things because there's "my muscles don't work" in a terms of chronic muscular pain vs. "my muscles don't work" in terms of, like, they lack the ability to adequately support the body and bodily movement. if that makes any sense.

which ranges from someone like me where having to hold myself up sucks + mild motor skill/coordination impairments and mild developmental milestone delays, but others never meet those milestones or need assistance with things like breathing and ingesting food.

it's not a diagnosis but it can affect the body in complex ways like muscle shortening and stiffness due to our bodies having to compensate in weird ways for the lack of adequate tone (esp those of us who grew up with it), tibial torsion and femoral anteversion, flatfoot and knock-knees, reduced cervical lordosis sometimes leading to bruxism and occipital headaches, etc. PT centered around muscle strengthening to correct my "improper" movement and stuff.

and there's other stuff that can come with it that people like to consider """gross""" like drooling, constipation and other gastric, and pelvic floor dysfunction which can result in incontinence/problems with bladder control. muscles are involved in a lot of things. wild.

i'm rambling but i just wish more people talked about it. all i really have is that one interview that surestep did with meagan veracha, who has hypotonic cerebral palsy, about living with hypotonia as an adult.

maybe i wouldn't care all that much if i had a diagnosis that would "explain it" but "i might have gHSD/hEDS" doesn't rly do that for me because ppl in those communities obviously focus a lot on the joint dysfunction aspect (because those 2 conditions center around hypermobile joints so that's just natural, it's not a bad thing per-se, barring other problems that those communities have) but for me my case of symptomatic generalized hypermobility is secondary in how it impacts me vs. my muscles being bad at their job and my hypermobility might even be secondary to my hypotonia anyway.

dyspraxia/DCD (some people with it have hypotonia but not all - i thought i had it before i was told i was identified as having hypotonia when i was a kid...over two decades late) is another guess but again that centers more around coordination than things like "anything other than lying in bed is hard on me because my muscles don't support my body like they're supposed to."

maybe muscle tone is a complex medical concept that shouldn't really enter the public lexicon but i have no other language for it.

[sporesgalaxy]

Caleb Wittebane literally keeping me up at night with questions.

And it's all haunting me so much because it seems so realistic that we may never get the answer. These answers just aren't strictly mechanically or thematically necessary to resolve the story, not the way a bit more info on the Titans and Collectors is. What the fuck am I supposed to do if I don't know what the FUCK happened to CALEB WITTEBANE????????

it had to be that he maintained his reputation as a respected witch hunter and faked his own death and/or abduction and went to the Boiling Isles, right??

how else would he...still have a reputation as a respected witch hunter in all those books and the town statue and all that......and he maintained that up until his death because. The portal was at HIS "grave," right? was it? was it there before his grave? The story says he went back and forth....so I guess it was already there?

Why was the town crest on it? Why was it built? On the BI side, When was the Portal Door built and why? How did the witch get to the human realm the first time? Why is the portal door connected to the Wittebane's HOUSE? If Caleb was involved with witches long enough that he and Evelyn were the ones to set all of this up....how did he maintain a reputation as a witch hunter to the point that it was his legacy?

Was it a scam? Was Caleb smuggling persecuted people to the BI???? And lying to Philip about it? Lying that they died? Why would he feed into Philip hating witches? How else would he have THE REPUTATION HE HAS IN PRESENT DAY?

Was it all Philip? Did Philip lie about Caleb in the time between when Caleb left and when Philip chased him, so much that future historians bought into it? Why the fancy gravesite, then? Did Philip lie about Caleb enough to convince the whole town? How?? How much did Philip ever know about Caleb's involvement with witches?

We see him witness Caleb approaching the witch as a teenager, but it seems implied that Caleb didn't leave, or at least that Philip didn't follow him, until they were adults. Which was it, then? Did Philip know, and keep silent? Or was he in denial? Did he hope to change his brother's mind and fail? What was their relationship like while Caleb went back and forth?

Why did Philip know how the human side of the portal functioned? Did he see Caleb using it? Or is it just Philip's magic knowledge he's gained since getting to the BI?

Why did Caleb finally leave for good, if he went back and forth for a while? Was he almost caught? Did he try to bring Philip? What stopped him? Philip's attitude, or some external force like an immediate threat upon Caleb's life? If Caleb left that code under the floorboards of their house, was Philip meant to find it? If so, why didn't Philip ever find it? It sure seems like he never found it, since he didn't know where the Titan's Blood was.

How did he get to the BI originallt then? A naturally occurring water portal? Does it have to do with the graveyard being flooded? Or did he follow Caleb the moment he left, but hide his presence in the BI until later for some reason?????