#it kinda pains me i dont have the time or patience to make it into a comic or a book

[bellyjellyfish]

creating original characters with deep connections, fun personalities, a heart wrenching backstory and plotline, multiple designs and outfits for every scenario knowing damn well im never gonna make an actual story out of it is truly an otherworldly experience

[gomzdrawfr]

want to join the fandom cause it seems fun seeing fanarts and you and others interacting but I don't know how...and with the whole ai thing im scared...

my advice: just do it

really! sometimes all you really need is a leap of faith, and that was exactly how I dropped into the cod fandom. When I joined the ghoap discord server I talked to one of the artist I really like and respected from my lurking time (hi @bressynonym) aaaand the rest is history

I didnt know how to draw properly, nor digitally, all I did was scribbling on OneNote (yeah!) and rambled about cod characters, it is daunting and it is scary to interact but after a while? you may just be able to find someone to brainrot together with

start small, like commenting, reblogging, talking, chatting- doesn't have to be towards artist/writers, it could be the art/fic enjoyers!

you need to put yourself out there if you want something

as to if you want to start in the fandom as a creator, here's some more tips (which are all based on my experience, I am no pro at doing this, hell Im still learning myself, and I am by no means speaking these on behalf on others!)

establish a goal: what are you making? fandom based? original creations?

as with starting new, everything may take a while for stuff to happen, you'll feel like you're speaking to the void at times (esp with original arts, but do know that your stuff do get perceive by others as time goes, I would advise to draw fandom stuff as a beginning to get that boost going if you want! or else it's going to be quite hard to get things rolling)

imo this is hardest part of any new creator, you'll have to bear with it and try not to give up (but I understand how incredibly demotivating it could get, there were times when I stopped posting about Raven entirely, but eventually I post it anyway cuz surely someone out there will like them, it just takes a lot of patiences and perseverance)

btw, engagement can also vary from time to time, you may be booming for a bit, then suddenly you dont, it is a cycle that will bound to happen

take rest regularly, and I mean a break from social media because numbers, discourse and everything can get to you, very quickly (I cannot emphasise this enough)

the numbers are not worth it over your mental health (comes with practice to really solidify this thought)

study the algorithm (pain): see what other creators are doing to get where they are, what tags are they using in their post? what features/niche do people like?(this is, if you really want to grab some form of engagement, bcuz reminder in the end you are creating art for yourself first!)

example: I think posts would get more reach if you tag it with the ship name first, followed by the characters' name (doesn't work all the time tho)

that's the thing about algorithm, it is ever-changing, and you'll have to learn to adapt with it when it does!

expanding on that, studying algorithm could be about ships (for example, ghostsoap is most popular in the fandom), or really good rendered art/flashed out fic that leaves your jaw on the floor, or ships that gets lesser attention in general which puts you, who make content about them, easier to be brought into the light (like Faralex)

bUT, it can also be personality!

(again, not saying this is meant for everyone and strictly from my own experience + what I observe) for me, I made up the lack of my art by establishing a personality: a wild panda who yaps about price and their oc and also kinda everywhere in the place (just like this post LOL), OR you're the person who named themselves after Soap's ash particle number OR you're the one who likes bottom Ghost- literally anything goes, you want to make an impression in different ways, some more funny/goofier than others but it works (be mindful and stay respectful tho, dont wanna be the asshole in the fandom now do ya?)

efforts ≠ engagement (not all the time, but most time) and this is a fact. Sometimes, you can't expect a piece you did for 10+ hours to get thousands views and likes, especially in a fandom space. You need to understand algorithm is that wonky. (very disheartening, but again, you make the art for you and the few others who genuinely likes them, and those people can go a long way) be mentally prepared for such events, and try not to beat yourself up too much for it

ultimately tho, do it, do it scared but do it anyways and again, draw the things that bring you joy, I hope these could be helpful in some ways!

[larrythefloridaman]

I think about Larry (pre-loop) and Home's relationship a lot. How theres a sense of resentment on home's side and a sense of distrust on Larry's. How Larry can puff his ego up easy and yet every time hes given a chance to interact with himself in an externalized fashion theres this. distaste. Its never really strong enough to call 'self-loathing' exactly. Its very... casual. Almost insidiously so.

I think about how FL Man in the nccts expressed his hopes of becoming a champion eventually (although he'd just went 0-2 in his first tournament, and his friend dani would later outpace him easily) and his disappointment at becoming a plain ol' doctor on the sidelines instead (a perceived failure despite how much of an accomplishment he later knows it to be on the other side of that degree- larry shot for the stars and landed on the moon, but fl man is barely past being a dumb kid and kinda doesnt... get that concept, just yet i dont think) and his excitement about the powers hes going to have (which is soured by seeing them in action- clearly a little unnerved by the visceral reality of it.)

I think about how FL Man was 19-20, in that weird transitional phase from being a teenager into being an adult, and doesnt really think of himself as 'grown up' yet. I think of how Home is a boring stick-up-his-ass old man to him (and his shock that home is younger than larry as of current is still funny to me.) I think of how, often, when youre young and dont know much about adult life, before you start to mature, you arent really excited by mundanity. you want something dazzling, you have big hopes, often dictated by what the people and culture around you expect or deem valuable, and how sometimes it feels like a betrayal of your past self or a failure to give up on those hopes once you know more about yourself and what you want and who you are and how things work. I think about how Hamburger Helper shot down Larry's grab for captainship in seemingly as embarrassing a way as possible, because he thought Larry needed to learn patience and respect for his elders.

It seems. likely. to me that Larry got involved in Order's experiments in the interest of attempting to skip the work. hoping to become a better fighter he involves himself in all too many a superhero's origin story, is victimized by painful, unethical science, only to gain a power that, for all he loves it and benefits from it, he has also called a curse, a power that those who arent used to it sometimes look upon the symptoms of with a visceral disgust, a situation he and j0hn were lucky to survive and thrive in spite of together, where others werent so lucky. (For one thing if i recall, juniper's parents certainly weren't.)

I think about Larry and Home, opposed. Sometimes you look at your past self and all you see is a naive idiot, reckless and impatient and clueless, unbaked. It can be hard to give someone responsible for every bad idea you ever had the credit for surviving to become you, especially if youre not that happy to be you. And sometimes, you can't imagine why or how you would ever choose to become something you think you'd hate, make choices you'd regret, before youre standing there in your own shoes. Larry cant trust himself. And sometimes that's for good reason. Home didn't tell himself he'd die, after all. (And his boyfriend kept his future self's secrets- in a way he'd placed the person he'd become over who he was then. Did he think of him as a fixer-upper in the end, like his tech? ...As long as j0hn was happy, and safe, larry didn't mind. He knew he was a bit of a fuckup. J0hn was his whole world. The love of his life. His partner in everything, even this nightmare. And even if he loved the person he could be more than who he was, he was going to become him, so that didnt matter.) (J0hn doesnt care for the mustache.)

And i think about how home was there, a participant and a witness and a victim all at once, unable to alter the course of history but instead forced to watch and enact it and to reflect on how foolish he'd always been as hes forced to be complicit in the suffering of the community he wants nothing more than to protect in the pursuit of his endgoal, forced to trust that if he succeeds it will all turn out for the better. I wonder how much he blames himself. I wonder if he ever apologized to himself the way he apologizes to others he had to rope into all of that.

And he was right. It all worked. The plan worked. He played his role beautifully, so beautifully its part of him now. And he got the happy ending he wanted, he didn't even have to die for it. Turns out, it wasnt really the ending like he thought it might be. And now what? What does he do with himself? Whatever he wants, he has AGENCY now, hes an adult with a degree and a job he (mostly) loves serving his community and useful skills and money and time. He can help people, like hes trained to do, like he did all this to do in the first place, like hes good at. (After a little horrifying revenge. Just a little. If he has to send Dr. Order to a poetically satisfying end to keep her gone for good they can at least drag her errandboy's one winged corpse onstage as a bit for a while. And then that went horribly wrong. And then she wasnt gone for good. And the new susan's too cool and good for it to really be fair to hate her. Cool, cool, awesome doesnt completely fuck up the cathartic closure of that chapter of his life for him at all no sir definitely not hes definitely not having a dissociative episode just seeing Her again, ruining the illusion that he can just move on like all that didnt happen.)

And In his heart, he's always going to be making up for the fact that he couldnt do more. That he couldnt bear it all by himself. That he didn't do more when he could. That he failed to avoid this being necessary in the first place. That it was all rigged from the start, and that to an extent that could be understood as his own fault, and he did all this to himself and thats true in too many ways. Hes making up for being a low-class beat-down fool that doesnt really belong with the stars, but is among them anyway. He's making up for the fact he always was, always is, and always will be. Hes making up for it. He martyrs himself to pay back some intangibly infinite cosmic debt for surviving and thriving at others' expense- survivors guilt has always been something he and folk seem to have in common. Its his apology, for doing what hes done and being who he is. He owes everyone that much, for putting up with him all this time, doesn't he? He'll take advantage of the thick skin hes developed to protect others from the consequences of his and others decisions, draw the attention off of his collaborators, he'll always take the hit to take care of someone else.

But all that doesnt account for the fact his loved ones... yknow. Love him. And want him to be safe and comfortable and live for them as much as hes willing to suffer and die for them.

[theworldofkirby]

i adore you, noble haltmann… (president haltmann x reader fanfic)

A/N: hai guys i wrote a haltmann/rader fic as a kind of sequel to the dedede dating simulator bc i dont feel like coding another game to make a haltmann dating sim so take this haltmann x reader fic instead

ok so like u are in dream land right??? well :) it was taken over by capitalizm!!!!1 omg

you, (y/n) the SEXIEST freak in planet plopstar is almost crushed by one of those leg things on the haltmann works company star dream thingy ok? yea so you dodge that and like… there's a window or somethin and a guy falls out of there

you watch as he falls. he falls for like 10 minutes. but then he lands on the ground next to you and you hear a crumch.

"ow" the male says

"omg!!!!! are u ok" u ask the masculine man

"i think i broke my pelvurouscula" he says

"omg no……" u say and hold him gently. u have magic healing powers so u heal him

"gasp" he gasped. "i don't feel like dead anymore"

he gets up and u cant help but admire he. his beautiful egg shaped bod and wicked pinstripe suit. and his luscious hair and mustache.

"newayz my name is haltmann. max profitt haltmann" he said with not a trace of happy

"haltmann….. my name is (y/n)" u smile

"ok" he says. "i have to go home. bye"

he goes into his headquarters but u follow him. u keep talking to him "um so wat are u doing? i almost died" u frowned

"oh no" haltmann says. "did i accidentally park my plant on u"

"ya" u nod

"im so frickign sorry" haltmann starts crying. "i'm such trash i cant commit capitalizm without almost killing peopel"

u frown at the egg's sadness. "dont cry haltmann…" u say comfortationally

"no it's not okay i'm shaking and crying rn. i might throw up" haltmann starts crying

haltmann cries and opens his office door and runs in and throws himself onto his bed dramatically like a sad disney princess. u enter his office and hear some haunting lyrics…

"I pull away to face the pain

I close my eyes and drift away

Over the fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Torn away from you

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from sorrow's hold

Or from my hard heart"

u turn off haltman's ipod. "Haltmann" u say

"no my music" haltmann sobbed

"haltmann." u say again but more like… asssertively

"ouuu" haltmann screams into his pillow. "first i break my airpods and now my music is dead"

"HALTMANN" u grab him and sit him up

"what" haltmann sniffs

"whats wrong" u ask

"u see (y/n) i lost someone in da past… i forget who that was tho… but like someone died ok? and now im sad" haltmann explaines

"halmann" u look into his deep blue orbs. "i…"

"yes (y/n)?" haltmann blinks his beautiful sapphire saucers at u

"i…" u blush "i…"

"..." haltmann …ed

"i think u need to seek therapy" u gently stroke his bangs

"omg… ur right" haltmann tears up. he gives u a hug. "thank u (y/n)"

"ur welcome" u smile

"im so tired of depression. i will defeat this evil inside me. thank u (y/n)"

u get on his computer and start googling local therapists in dream land. "here's one," u say. "call them and see if they're accepting new patients"

haltmann gets his sexy cellphone out and calls the therapist. "hi mr. therapist, my name is max profitt haltmann and my friend (y/n) says i need therapy"

"ya we can take u in" says the therapit. "we will have u do an intake next month ok"

"n. next month." haltmann starts to tear up

u look at haltmann ernestly. "better late than never, haltmann… ur patience will be rewarded"

haltmann sighs haltmannly. "ok. we will do next month"

haltmann finishes scheduling his therapy appointment. u look at him with a pleased look on ur face. "that was kinda sexxy of u haltmann, working towards self care like that" u smirk and wink

haltmann blushes "haha yea i guess that is pretty sexy. um, not that i'm trying to be cool or anything" he stutters

"hey u can call urself sexy and cool all u want," u laugh. "ur epic even"

"(y/n)..." haltmann blushes. he leans in and gives u a kiss. his cute little mustache hairs tickle ur upper lip.

"teehee" u giggle. "ur mustache is so cute"

"thank u" haltmann says. "star dream says its ugly"

--

2 MONTHS LATER

haltmann knocks on ur door. u open it

"hi (y/n) my sweet honey bunches of oats" haltmann wraps his hands around u and dips u for a kiss

"h-haltmann" u blush "where did this come from"

"so u see, i followed thru with therapy like u suggested. little did i kno this would change my life" haltmann says. "going to therapy made me realize that i wasn't treating myself with respect, and if i want to feel respected by others, i need to develop respect for myself. without respect for myself, i won't be able to recognize gneuine respect from my friends and employees. and i cant live being so cynical anymore. i need to love myself, (y/n). i need to be my own bestie becuz who will be there for me when everyone is gone? i need to be there for myself"

u look at haltmann like this:

"haltmann… u… u mean…"

"yea. i love myself, (y/n), and its thanks to u…" haltmann kisses u again. "sory i didnt talk to you for the past 2 months btw i was depressed amd busy with therapy lol"

"its ok haltmann i love u no matter what" u stroke his egg head

"yea" haltmann nods. "um btw i like need some new music to listen to bc my therapist says i shuld stop listening to such depressing music if it makes me wallow in sadness more"

"say no more" u say as u smirk and take out of ur bookshelf a CDs of Hannah Montana 3 and the High School Musical Sountrack

u and haltmann spend the night picking out the best disney channel songs to boost his self confidence. soon enough its morning. "omg its morning" haltmann gasps

"it was nice spending the night with u haltmann" u blushed "we should do it again someday"

"no, (y/n)" haltmann gives u an onion ring "we will do it again today. marry me"

"ok" u blush

u and haltmann have a beautiful wedding with the stupidest most extravagant dress and cake bcuz hes rich. ur live happy ever after the end

[silawastaken]

HELLO, ITS CHRIXYTY FROM AO3!!!! i decided to make a tumblr account just so i can interact with you on here :3 why? because i can. dont question me. i do strange things sometimes. (a lot of the time) but dont we all?

(i was serious when i said i would stop hovering like a ghost and start interacting. you better expect a LOT of comments from me from now on BECAUSE I JUST NEED TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION.)

ANYWAYS CHAPTER 13 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️ THANK YOU FOR THIS WONDERFUL PIECE OF ART. THIS WHOLE FIC IS A MASTERPIECE AND I LOVE THE ANGST !!! (ESPECIALLY DAZAI ANGST 🤗)

like im not even joking no fic has ever made my heart pound every second i read it before...like literally nothing could be happening and my heart is pounding at 150 bpm like damn its so good you might give me a heart attack frfr.

chuuyas so dense but i can kinda get his point of view :( UGH the slow burn is just making me anticipate the moment he finds out dazai's his soulmate even more...(betting chuuya will punch dazai out of anger because he realises dazai did all those things to himself...and then he'll feel the pain from the punch and be 100% certain and will start bawling cause idk emotion overload?? i can imagine it but yea im yapping a lot haha)

OH AND HIS FRIENDS FINDING OUT ABOUT ODAS DEATH??? AHH

also it makes me happy when authors refer to the canon universe in their fics somewhere like when dazai called his friends his "little detective agency" like its a small detail but it just makes me happy.

okay im SERIOUSLY yapping way too much but i needed to get all this out somewhere. my bsf is getting sick of me talking so much grrrrr >:(

(permission to one day when this fic is finished print it all out and bind it?? so i can forever keep it as like a memento and pass it down to future generations so they too can appreciate this amazing piece of literature??)

wow i wrote a lot. if only i could write this much for my fic in such a short time during writer's block.

WAITWAITWAITWAIT. I NORMALLY TRY TO ANSWER THESE TOPIC BY TOPIC BUT BINDING. MY. FIC???? HELL YES YOU HAVE PERMISSION WHAT THE HELL??? THAT'S SO COOL??? if i ask very nicely would you make me one too..? I'd pay postage and everything 🙏🙏 i wish i had the patience to bind fics into books but it requires so much time and patience that I don't have 😭

My only thing I would want to say is that I plan on revising some of the earlier chapters where it doesn't quite flow the way the rest of the chapters do, so if I finish it before I've done that (which probably won't happen, but just in case), I would recommend waiting a little!

ANYWAY. making an entire tumblr acc just to interact with me here? ...that's dedication man🫡 I already said it but I appreciate EVERY comment i get so i will be waiting with baited breath after every chapter!!

Glad you're loving the angst tho, I'm having a lot of the time throwing dazai and chuuya into a washing machine full of stones every chapter. great character building.

The reveals are gonna be so fun I can't wait to write them honestly. I'm so excited!!! Still got ages to go tho, so strap in it's gonna be a while.

I ALSO LOOOOVE REFERENCING THE CANON WHILE WRITING. THE NYE FLASHBACK WHERE DAZAI THINKS ABOUT HIS CONVERSATION WHERE THEY WANT TO BE DETECTIVES. OMG. I WAS SO PROUD OF THAT. AND THE 'soulmate detective agency'.

Do not feel bad about writing a lot cause I loved reading this and responding and once again YOU HAVE FULL PERMISSION TO BIND IT ONCE IT'S DONE.

[coldresolve]

A huge part of the whump being torture apologia discussion comes from the fact that people exoticize torture. It's foreign. It's something you see in spy movies and read about in thrillers. It's a pain that most people can safely distance themselves from in order to experience emotional catharsis or simple enjoyment. The thing is, some people don't get to have that distance.

It's hard for me to describe the sheer grief that comes with it all. I know a man who was tortured in prison. People who faced abuse from family so severe that it amounted to torture. Someone whose torture was to watch their friends be deliberately hurt. I wish whump writers could learn to have compassion for these people as well, even if their lived experiences are not exceptionally common or openly spoken about.

If an author portrays domestic abuse in their writing, it's generally considered necessary and responsible for them to either write the abuse in a realistic way or to state outside their writing that their portrayal of this very real issue is unrealistic. This respects people's lived experiences with abuse and prevents creating a culture of normalizing and glorifying abusive behavior.

It's most definitely not too much to ask of whump writers to uphold those same standards when writing about torture.

you have no idea how nice it is to get someone well spoken and well thought out in my inbox every once in a while. uh im on like hr 30 of being awake and kinda struggling piecing my thoughts together right now, so forgive me if i dont make a lot of sense, but i wanna say sth

the tone of your ask for some reason really hit a nerve for me. like getting slapped in the face, kind of. i think its the fact you come across really compassionate and just. calm, thoughtful in this. kinda puts my approach into perspective lol

i think im just angry about this topic. like ive got a passion for wanting to get it right, but its driven by anger and frustration. having ppl nitpick the fuck out of everything i say instead of actually having the sorts of conversations that should be had about the topic. i know me being angry edgy tantrum controversial oh whats he gonna say now guy and all that, turns people away from listening to me but i dont know how else to approach it sometimes, i don't want to make excuses for people who i feel should know better. i dont have that kind of patience i guess, at least not right now

i think that anger is like a manifestation, symptom. im angry about the people this happens to, and how catastrophic it is. angry at the people who let it happen. the systems that are built around it. people don't see how systemic torture can be. im angry that the fucking war on terror media frenzy was so effective, because your average person still fucking believes in all the bullshit. or the idea of torture survivors being "broken" like its a personal failure, like its the result of their own shortcomings when they're some of the strongest people you can meet. just all these unfair ideas about it that are everywhere. and people still somehow find it necessary to keep spreading those ideas, even if they know theyre wrong. when it doesnt add anything of value, youre not saying anything about it, youre not actually adding something to the conversation by going along with the bullshit, youre literally just entertaining yourself

i dont know how to not be angry about it, i think. thats the growth goal for me i guess, cause i know this isnt the sorta thing thats gonna fix itself tomorrow. and i dunno your ask just made me think about that, like how i handle this on a personal level. and i think itd be healthy for me to step away from the discussion for a couple days at least and just. accept that i tried to reach people this round, maybe it didnt really work, thats fine, ill try again some other time. also i am writing all this very slowly cause my skull is kinda collapsing in on itself so to speak and maybe that has something to do with me being sorta hopelessly frustrated lmfao. apologies

[salstini]

so i told le bf about feeling a lack of reciprocity in our relationship (thanks Liz for the expression heheh), I really tried to be as kind and neutral in my message despite my anger at the time, just stating what I feel and what i would like without criticizing him and like giving him options and stuff.

he hasn’t responded yet and i kinda feel like he’ll still take it the wrong way, get defensive and not listen to what i said at all, but we’ll wait and see… part of me wants to resort to the quickest resolution method aka “saying i’m the one who was wrong for everything, letting my guilt overwhelm me, cry from the pain and promise i’ll learn to control my emotions”

but this time I’m just gonna try sitting with the discomfort and not tell myself I’m wrong for asking for reciprocity. i’m not guilty of anything, I didn’t do anything bad, maybe I’m not perfect and maybe i am a needy and selfish and dysfunctional but it doesn’t make me a bad person. at least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself as i resist the urge to send him sthg like “im sorry… sorry that i’m the way i am” which is how most of our conflicts have been resolved i feel LMAO

maybe if this doesn’t go well then we’ll have to break up because i can’t continue processing his emotions for him … like every time i bring sthg up and feel genuinely sad or sthg, he’s often defensive and expresses anger instead of comforting me or trying to understand me… i dont necessarily want to depend solely on him for emotional support but being met with anger everytime i express dissatisfaction (even in the nicest way) is just not it for me

Who knows maybe I am the irrational one and he’s right and i’m asking for too much, but still there must be some ways we can discuss it and find solutions together right? if he can’t give me what i need, which i get is not sthg i should expect of anyone (as in like, can’t expect ppl to cover my needs at all times), at least can he give me some patience, forgiveness, understanding? i know it’s hard being with me but still 😭

[steakout-05]

ok as an artist i personally find traditional painting to be. really really annoying. like. i do not have the patience for it and i just find it to be really frustrating to set up and actually do and i end up not liking the results. i find that there's little room for mistakes and trying to fix them usually ends up with me making 50 other ones, paints can be so inconsistent and having to rely on availability and certain brands to continue making the paint is really inconvenient, not to mention expensive. spending a bunch of time trying to mix the right shade of paint, only for it to go down a completely different shade of colour and not being able to do anything about it is so frustrating as someone who likes consistency and having things just, y'know, not change colour as soon as it dries. plus, they all use different chemicals and can go off really easily or change textures and i am just not ok with having all my materials having an expiration date like food. lead and graphite pencils just don't do that and they can last for years, they're more reliable. every paint is drastically different and trying to find the right one is not only time consuming but, again, expensive, and i don't even see the point in experimenting when most of my materials end up not even getting used if i don't like using them. plus, i'm just.... really impatient. waiting for paint to dry sucks and is why i much prefer digital or just drawing something because i don't need to wait for anything, it just works. and then when i do want to take my time and work slowly for a better result, it dries too fast. it's kinda hellish trying to balance that time, especially considering how inconsistent paints are.

i like to use guidelines when doing art and i find painting straight onto a canvas to be really tricky because there's a lack of direction for me to actually paint. i'm at a complete loss at what to do when i pick up a brush because i can't map it out first without risking screwing up the paint. there's just so many things to keep track of and so much wet paint to avoid and i just do not have the mind for it. putting colours on a canvas and praying that it works just isn't it for me and requires a discipline that i just don't wanna involve myself with. painting is also just like... really exhausting and kinda painful. i got some pretty bad back issues and my arms tire and get sore easily and quickly when i'm standing in front of a canvas. it's a really physical activity for me and i just don't find something to be very fun to do at all when it's physically hurting me. i know drawing on a canvas has this issue too, which is why i prefer sketchbooks. sitting down and drawing something that doesn't break my entire spine every time i do it is much more preferrable than questioning if i should go to the doctor every time i make a brushstroke, lol

that's not to say that there's nothing i like about painting though! i can paint simple little things, and i like doing that. i like mixing colours with a palette knife and i find it fun and even a little relaxing. i painted some cute little chibi cardboard cutouts of the mario brothers one time and i found that to be really fun and i think i'd like to do that again! but apart from that, i just do not have the patience for it. i love the look of traditional paintings and i find many to be really beautiful, but i could never get into actually doing it myself because i hate the process. i'm content with just sketching and doing digital stuff because that's more fun to me and less stressful of a process to do. it's fun, it allows for more mistakes, it's easier to build up layers of shading and lines, not to mention using building up a figure with guidelines is super helpful with visualising what i want it to look like, and i can just erase something if i don't want it there or want to change something. it just makes sense to me.

tl;dr i dont like painting because it's inconsistent, expensive, time-consuming, directionless, frustrating and it makes my back hurt really bad. i'll just stick to drawing stuff :)

[magnoliamyrrh]

you know i think its actually crazy that caregivers/cnas (yes im putting this in the same category lack of certificate changes nothing abt the work were doing its identical) get less respect than nurses and ppl wanna look down on doing this shit and go on abt how idk we only wipe ass or were the bottom of the healthcare/care barrel or whatever the hell like the way some ppl look down on u for working this kinda job is Wild

u try working an entire floor + 1/2 + picking up ur coworkers slack. u try having the time managment for that. u try dressing ppl and brushing their hair and teeth and making sure theyre clean and eating and needing to have all the patience in the world with dementia paranoid residents who Need to shower or change or eat but they dont wanna and u gotta do it anyway u try taking insults all day and having ppl try to swing at u for u trying to keep them alive.

u try being a mother to so many people for hours on end, being underpaid, and working overtime so much u might as well live at work. u try taking care of so many ppl like theyre all ur family while being nice sweet kind polite funny and soulful with every one of them while comforting them emotionally being there for them when theyre tired and in pain and scared and confused while also having time managment skills. u try taking insults threaths mental breakdowns and swings with grace while still caring for someone and then having to brush it off. u try having to lift ppl. u try being mother and friend and caregiver to so many ppl and having to remember what each one wants specifically

im sorry but we do more work than some nurses do without 1/70th of the respect that comes w that title and thats wild to me. or the pay. fuck off

[bossyuri]

Ima put my random thoughts about SRV in here! It probably won't make much sense but wtv sdfsg

again I haven't placed the last building or conquered the whole map yet, as context, but i did finish the main story aside from that.

So ima start of with thoughts while disregarding how the bugs affected the experience!

Overall, I had a good time! I really enjoyed it. I love the new crew. I loved the focus on friendship. I'd say the story overall is nothing really special though, which I don't think is necesserily a bad thing. Sometimes a chill story packaged in a fun game is good ya know.

I loved finding out bits and pieces about our friends through dialogue, I think that was great, and I really liked that it felt like a solid friend group. Modern Yuri (as I like to colloqually call him lmao) is so much more mellow from having a good support system early on lol. But he's still got some Classic Yuri in him.

The rival gangs I think that thematically, visually, their music and stuff, they were great. I liked them a lot, they had good contrast, their music when you fight them rules. I do think that they were a little underused in the actual story though so they don't quite leave the impact that say, the Syndicate did. The threat they posed felt more theorical than anything you actually see. Again not the worst thing, but I feel like they could've used a bit more time to be more present. (I did like how the Panteros stuff ended because it tied in with other things later though!). Like I think in particular that the collective could have been used a lot more.

That said I did play with looong months-long break for the first quarter of the game so idk how that affected my impression. And the last few missions I think were really, really cool, I really liked them! But I felt like the middle parts after a certain point weren't quite as memorable.

But I don't think it was bad! And the game isn't quite over yet, so I'm looking forward to what's to come.

Also I did like how narratively the game tries to give you a nice fantasy release from a lot of real life issues. I'm sure many people at Volition had to face these frustrations in their lives and it felt like. relatable yknow.

Now though.....so I work in game QA, going on my 7th year, and the game released in....really an unnacceptable state, which was really a bummer and really harmed it. I don't blame the devs. Devs want to give us good games. But they don't control release dates.

and they did not control covid. I know a lot people see covid as an "excuse" to fuck up games but trust me as someone who was working in the industry through it all, it absolutely messed up a *lot* of stuff that you may never know about. My setup from home is still not ideal. And thats not even getting into employee burnout but anyway-

I've had crashes to desktop, blockers in missions (regularly), broken multiplayer (tho i havent had a chance to test it again after patches) needing full game restarts for a variety of reasons (clothes broken, face broken, world stopped populating, quest blocked...) the clothes system still breaks for me after so many months after release (thought its a lot better. i dont fear the stores as much anymore lol). I don't know if it's a quirk of the PC version, but it would have been so much more of a good experience if they had had the time to polish the game more before release. Lots of gamers don't have much patience for this kinda shit, and it's a shame for a game that has a lot of love put into it.

But they're still patching the game, and the QOL changes that they keep adding are really good. The game is a lot more stable for me too so I will definitely keep playing, and I'm hoping that my mental state will allow me to make some fun content from it. I'm still kinda hoping for a steam release sometime so I might get to replay the story again if that happens. Because taking screenshots on epic is a goddamn pain.

So huh anyway. I don't think anyone cares that much but if you've read that far thank you! And also thanks for sticking around with me for so long despite my dropping off the face of the earth in a depression spiral. But I'm still around and Yuri is still around. And Saints Row V is fun!

[lehhoh7822]

maybe this is a shitty take it probably is but whenever i see headspace hotels post about. a comfort zone? and i dont mean to minimise any struggles that person has experienced but it makes me think about. 

in a fandom i am/was in (dsmp) there was a trend where there would be a fuckton of fics about this one character who had been beaten down and fucked over by all of the people who were meant to be responsible for his wellbeing. and the fic would take him into comfort and care and recovery and unconditional love and patience. 

which obviously isnt like. realistic for recovery for a lot of people!! but i think it shows that there is some general understanding of headspace hotel’s concept of how one can lose their grasp on what their comfort zone is, and the recovery for that kind of stress and pain isn’t to push more, but to allow rest and healing.

there would be fics about learning how to set boundaries- oh, hey. i got one that isn’t even. in universe. hell i can do better than in universe cause i know thats touchy but. theres a really good au about ice skating, where one of the main characters is really used to life under an abusive coach. and doesn’t grasp what the exact problem is with how he’s being treated, or how he would like to be treated otherwise. he’s just tired, fragile, miserable and alone, and the circumstances have isolated him from the ability to voice that and realise that he need a pause, if anything. 

the solution, all of this media really cleanly spelled out, is allowing time and social support systems. it kinda shows: under a long term stress like this, stress where someone is being openly made to lose sense fo what they’re comfortable with, people who are struggling with understanding what is being signalled to them by pain and sickness and then struggling more with voicing it, that while it might feel like a failure of a too small comfort zone, and self improvement is about being brave, i think these tings have relaly taught me.

hey. sometimes you. sometimes others. will crash and burn. sometimes things will crash and burn, either for you and for others, and smetimes its worthy to keep pushing at it, but other times we should be allowed the grace of a pause, and the grace of kindness and time. and maybe its the capitalist culture surrounding rest and needing breaks. maybe its internalised stuff. maybe its just social pressure of expected progress. but both of these options sjould be okay. sometimes things crash and burn. not all fires should be treated the same. 

idk.

just. been thinking

[alpsss]

i was last here a year ago. a YEAR

an entire friggin year has gone by. is this any indication of the future?! like is it just gonna jump year after year, completely and uncontrollably fleeting. GROWING PAINS

i wanted to come in here and reflect how i feel about MOTHERHOOD, being a PARENT, now that i've got a good number of years in and i feel like i can actually comment rightfully.

it's so hard, but it's so rewarding

there's something about building your own tribe, these little human-imps you created, they reflect yourself back at you, they're charming little silly things with a wealth of ideas and rich inner worlds, i LOVE that they can express now and do so marvellously. i LOVE connecting with them and now we have back and forths, like they can tell matt im checking out shoes and bags online, and they can ask me 'did you also use to do this when you were a kid', its like having buds 4 lyfe that came from your dna, so naturally you're gonna adore em. and it's so much fun and entertaining, etc, also i love how much i've grown.

levels of empathy, the human connection, motherhood bonds ALL. i love how unifying it is, like the other day we met val and i had so much to say to her. i love how enriching it is as a human experience, kinda like how i loved the wild process of labour. being a parent makes you human in the most visceral way. tests your patience, tests your creativity needing to negotiate, decide which battles to pick to win, the art of convincing, finding new ways to 'win' them over, juggling a million balls at once, OPs, daily battles like brushing teeth hauling their asses to and from school, it's lessons on life everyday and i feel like im learning, growing

i also feel like ive renewed lease of life. i remember pre-kids just slumping on the couch vegging out in front of tv. now i barely watch anything. i am able to dance, run around, carry both, walk everywhere, nothing is too 'tough' for me, i love how strong my body is, i am STILL breastfeeding, i love how i am more unfazed when it comes to difficult and trying times, i love how having kids puts into perspectively instantly what matters in life the most. i love how i feeeel more, your heart is more tender, you realise the fragility of life, you are SO AWARE that life is so short. it's. bittersweet but i love how i am so deathly aware that this could all end. my time with my kids is finite. our time on earth is finite

i find myself 'crying out to God more, saying let's pray, now that the kids r well adjusted in sunday school they also pray 'God protect zhorzhor, thank God for best friend', its so pure and encouraging, i find that being a mother has also made me more spiritually connected because so much is out of your control and i find it freeing to let go and let God. EVERYTHING is from Him.

matt shouts more and now we morph into each other but we are mostly exxhausted but this week without my mom has been so. gratifying. i want to say my relationship with my mom is at its worse, but who's to say this is final? it's just not great, i dont want to go into details, i just dont particularly appreciate the disrespect, the overstepping of boundaries, the toxic malignant narcissism, the bullshit ive to take on the daily. currently i am tired but nothing beats MENTAL FREEDOM and operating on your own effing terms.

never say never. and never say you wont change. now i'd rather come home and chill out than spend hours in a mall. i thought i'd never online shop but now its fun. never say you wont do something cos it totally will bite you in the ass. do we need a car? club med bintan was certainly one highlight of the year. i love my little family and i love me and matt being able to parent as we so fit.

i love my two girls, they're wise beyond their years they have so much spunk personality and originality they're so one-of-a-kind. together they're manic elves plotting against us but they're also so individually sweet i love when they give hugs show affection exercise kindness, they just LIVIN out their truth and also being unbridled untainted by the world. true creativity. i cant believe their my people for life.

anyway this year has been interesting but mostly watching them develop with each passing day as fully formed humans, so much changes it's hard to keep track! im so grateful each day for being an artist and making a living from what i love and do best, but also im grateful that i get to be a MOM.

[stary-regression]

hi lovebug, mx. prinx flying in~ i must apologize for not flying to your asks sooner, and for how many of them have seemingly flown away before i had the chance to say hello! i appreciate your kind wishes and patience with me little prince, buba is flying to your asks soon!

if i’m right i believe you’d asked for two blurbs one with masc + royal nicknames and one with pain comfort, if it’s alright with you i’ll respond to these requests with blurbs that use the terms you’d like and for the comfort blurb i have a couple of things i’m flying toward but if there’s anything you’d like extra reassurance about feel free to fly to my ask box and let me know~ i want to make sure i’m giving as much care and kindness to your asks as possible, and appreciate you for waiting for me.

goodnight little knight~ mx, ‘tala

oh hi! im so sorry for spamming you. i couldnt tell if you had just been busy or if tumblr was eating my asks. i hope i didnt bother or worry you. its all ok, i dont mind waiting on responses, you deserve time to yourself.

thank you so much for being so sweet. with the names i had kinda just meant that those are the sort of nicknames i like when small, i think there had been some conversation pertaining to that sorry. but for the blurb, yeah i could use a bit of comfort surrounding chronic pain/being a disabled kid. no rush on it or anything, its just something ive been thinking about sorry. oh and sorry if i often dont make sense or am a little confusing.

you are so so kind, thank you. please take all the time you need and take care of yourself.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

#unnecessary main post addition but i gotta fight u in the tags

dragging you into the parking lot bc my tedtalk got too long for the tags sorry

#cus you said the master would be so good at all the spying stuff and the doctor crap #nah nah nah nah nah i’m not having that #have you experienced seven??? #the master going by the moniker m. aster???

nah i see where youre coming from, but also no, influenced by my watching 5 seasons of two spies living entire fake-real lives with real children and real jobs and fake-real relationships and patience and procedures and backup procedures and aborting the mission because maybe we're being followed and five thousand precautions for every little thing the mETICULOUSNESS. the disguises. the exhaustive attention to detail. the focus on the big picture, the big utopian promise in the distance. doing incredibly painful things now because of the belief it will eventually pay off

mr john "call me the doctor" smith cant do that (i'll admit the master's anagrams are not much better but bear with me) the doctor cant live a fake-real life. the master has lived many.

the only thing, the only thing where it breaks is the faith that is essential to the whole thing. because you'd say the doctor has the stronger faith right? what does the master believe in?

but i dont think the doctor believes in ends justifying means. i think they know that never works, that never leads to good things. and i dont think mr "look at us, suki! two brilliant scientists! we can fix this" could ever be seduced by the lie of "if we get rid of the Bad Guys the world will be Good"

i dont think the master believes in it either, either of those things, not like philosophically, but what the master can do is delay gratification. and when you dont really have a Cause but you Do have patient self-interest then it kinda ends up looking similar.

neither the doctor nor the master would be spies you want to have in your organisation because theyre untrustworthy. theyre not devoted enough. there is not a cause you will get them committed to for any extended period of time i think. i mean, they got indoctrinated enough on gallifrey and still became renegades right? the doctor was in division and fled, the master we assume was too?

#the doctor deliberately trains themselves to be good noodle #innocent as a child #think the best etc. #but as we see with 13 #when they want to act in their ‘worst’ nature they’re unmatched #the master is a good spy trying to be better #the doctor is an incredible spy trying their hardest not to be

irrelevant! irrelevant to whether they'd be a good spy. spy =/= bad (i mean depends on your moral stances i suppose but to me, again, influenced by 5 season the americans as my main source of my understanding of spies (which i get that it probably doesnt work like that - i looked up some of the terms they use in the show, directorate s, illegals program, and turned out there were some spies like the ones in the show arrested in 2010 and they werent even charged with espionage bc they didnt manage to get any useful information. youre gonna live a whole fake life and you dont even spy good can you imagine? anyway the show came out in 2013 so i was like oh this happened and then they probably used that idea and set it back 30 years to the cold war for extra stakes and that seems to be exactly what the writer did. anyway point is. i know it's fake but it's my only reference so im imagining the doctor and the master in a specifically americans type of situation))

i'll give you that the master is a good spy trying to be better. i do Not buy the doctor being better. they'd lose their mind. weeks, months, years of developing relationships with people to get what you want from them. inhabiting a fake identity. having to "make it real" in some way like philip says. fake identities that are also real but also carefully crafted to be precision tools. absolutely not. i cant see the doctor do it. "the man who won the time war" you want as a player in your hot war, not your cold war. theyre a strategist, not a spy.

the master on the other hand i think you want in a war that is hiding itself, that is pretending not to be happening (i could even push this further and say koschei "my chosen name is a misdirection" oakdown would actually rather be in a position to get orders whereas the doctor wants (and wants not to want) to be the one giving the orders. but at this point im just saying stuff)

thanks for coming to my ted talk i told you Lots of spy thoughts

adore when they get like just one or two random other spies to help in a mission or something and they know absolutely nothing about each other except we're working for the same side. like when they get this guy to pretend to be a pastor to calm down pastor tim and afterwards they get in the car and they watch this guy leave and elizabeth is like "do you think hes really a priest". or when philip walks out of that shop and theres two spies he hasnt seen before or since pretending to be trying to find the way with a map on their car and hes just like need some help and they tell him some code words and a meeting point or whatever and they leave and never see each other again

like. idk. it's so funny like 13 voice rule 1 of spying trust noone but like. theres sooo much trust in this job it's nuts. and it's all so, like, procedurised. theres endless procedures and backup procedures to try and like, make it all work like a machine and try to eliminate the human error in a job thats only and entirely built on connections between humans. it's admirable and endearing and kind of incredible like aside from whatever theyre doing it for, the CauseTM is an entirely different post that i havent posted but like. just as an achievement, an expression of human as social animal, it's amazing

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[i-like-writing-stuff]

sorry [five hargreeves x reader]

request: wanted to say I love ur 5 fics and how you portray their relationship as old partners :”) 💖If it’s not trouble to do (Dont feel obligated plz) I had this idea of 5 and reader having a fight and them being too prideful or bitter to apologize. Reader ignores him for some time and Five gets grumpier than usual bc of that. To the point where, one of his siblings tell him to just stop being children, apologize and give them flowers. But he finds it hard bc he is not good with that kinda of stuff ☺️

a/n: thank youuu <3, i try my best to keep the tua characters in... well, character lol- as much as possible! i hope this fic turned the way you wanted it, anyway- enjoy!!~

summary: five gets grumpy when his girlfriend gives him the silent treatment for being a jerk... shocker.

“Could you stop for one damn second and relax?!” You yelled at your boyfriend, already stressed out by the way he had been almost carving a hole through the floor of the living room with all his pacing.

“Relax?!” Five yelled, turning to glare at you, “Do you even realize how stupid you sound?! How could I relax- I lost my last lead on that fucking eye!”

“Come again?” You raised a brow, crossing your arms as you watched him curiously. Did he just call you stupid indirectly?

Your nerves were tugging at the last threads of patience you had left within you- they had been doing that for a few days. You knew that life wouldn’t be quiet when you decided to give a relationship with your partner a shot, but you never expected things to get so messy.

Not only you followed his grumpy butt all the way to 2019 to stop an apocalypse- which you couldn’t care less about, now you had been stuck in your younger bodies because he miscalculated something before traveling in time. On top of all that, he had been a jerk to his siblings- which you grew quite fond of and viceversa, he also started being an asshole to you, all because he couldn’t find a way to stop the apocalypse.

“Five Hargreeves, did you just call me stupid?” You asked, seeing that he was frozen in place, going back over his words in his mind.

“Not exactly.” He knitted his brows in confusion, before realizing the irritated look on your face, “I don’t have time for this, Y/N.”

“You think I had any time these past two years putting up with your shit?” You retorted, making him raise his brows in surprise by your sudden burst, “Screw you, asshole.”

“Now that was rude!” He yelled after you, once you started walking out of the room, completely ignoring him, “Y/N!”

You had been with the Commission for over four decades, you completely trusted its choices, since you never were given a reason not to. Well, that was until the Handler recruited Five Hargreeves. He was about four-five years older than you, but nonetheless still had the impeccable skills of an assassin- just what the organization wanted and needed.

You, being one of the Handler’s most trusted agents, she assigned him under your wing in the beginning until he’d get adjusted. So, he became your partner, it didn’t take long until he became your partner in the real sense of the word.

Five was in love with you- stupidly in love with you. He loved your wit and your kindness, he loved that he could have intellectual conversations with you for hours on end, he loved the fact that he’d feel whole again with just one look at your face, your smile, your eyes.

But he was a prideful man, he knew that. If he was wrong- which he rarely was, he had no intention of apologizing. You knew how important stopping the apocalypse was to him, but... it pained you to see him almost lose his shit completely when he loses the last remaining lead.

For the next couple of hours, you completely avoided him at all costs until he’d get that stick out of his ass and apologize. 

And he’d better have a grand way of doing it.

You knew that it was not like him- he’d never apologize, and the fact that you were avoiding him was not making it any easier on him, but you were beyond pissed. Even if he may not have meant it, all you tried to do was help him relax for a moment, take a breather before that pretty head of his would explode. And in return? 

In return, Five fucking Hargreeves continues being an asshole- what a surprise.

“Jesus, where did all the caffeine in this house go?!” Five groaned, searching the cupboards in the kitchen, feeling grumpier than usual.

“I told you- dad didn’t like it.” Allison reminded him, as she and Luther sat at the table, watching him in confusion, “What’s got into you?”

“What are you talking about?” He asked, not done yet with his search- he wanted at least something that felt like coffee, “Come on- we don’t even have... coffee flavored fucking chocolate or some shit like that..?” He mumbled, shutting the cupboard with a loud smack.

“She means... you’re... grumpier... than usual...” Luther hesitantly explained, afraid that his little-older psychotic brother might have finally snapped.

“Mind your business, will ya?” Five asked with a fake smile, stomping out of the kitchen.

“I love Y/N, I swear I do... and oddly enough, Five too.” Allison spoke up, “But honestly, what was she thinking becoming his girlfriend?”

“I am just happy for her they’re not married.” Luther shrugged, resting his hand on his palm, as Diego walked into the kitchen;

“Is it just me or is Five a lesser ray of sunshine than usual?”

The following day, you treated Five with the same coldness as the prior day, which really drove him insane. Not only he spent the night in his bed alone, since you decided to bunk for the night in one of the empty rooms, but now you were still giving him the silent treatment.

Luckily, during breakfast, the Hargreeves siblings finally managed to understand what was going on.

“Hey, Diego, do you think we can pay Eudora a visit at the station after breakfast?” You asked the man, “I promised her the other day some files to help with an investigation she has on the side.”

“Sure thing.” Diego smiled, looking forward to seeing the detective again, even if he bickered with her from time to time.

“What files?” Five asked curiously.

“Vanya, can you please pass me the salt?” You ignored him, smiling at his sister.

Vanya raised a brow, unsure what to do, as the other siblings were piecing the puzzle together. Five raised a brow, as you avoided eye contact with him, waiting for the salt shaker which was, ironically, closer to him than Vanya.

“Here.” He said, reaching for it before his sister, handing it to you.

You looked at him with a smile, then at the salt shaker that was waiting on you to pick it from your boyfriend’s hand. Instead, you scoffed, getting up from your seat with your plate in your hands, suddenly losing your appetite.

“I am gonna go change.” You declared, placing your dish in the sink, “Diego, I’ll wait for you in the car.”

“Unbelievable....” Five muttered, throwing the salt shaker somewhere on the table, before abruptly getting up from his seat to pour himself a cup of freshly made coffee- Klaus made sure to stock up since Allison and Luther told him what had happened the other day.

“Why is Y/N giving you the cold shoulder?” Diego asked his brother, raising a brow.

“Leave me alone.” Five muttered, leaving the room even grumpier, with his hot cup of coffee in his hand to at least soothe him down a bit.

“Five!” Allison yelled after him, but he was already out of there, “Urgh, he’s such a child!”

After you and Diego had left the Hargreeves mansion, Five found it hard to focus on trying to get another lead on the prosthetic eye- he could not stop thinking about the fact that it almost had been twenty four hours since the woman he loved had chosen to deliberately ignore him, all because his stupid mouth could not help snapping at her.

What a moron he was, he knew that.

“Y/N told me what happened.” Allison told her brother, entering his room softly, watching as he laid on his bed on his back, “And woah- aren’t you an asshole?”

“What do you want, Allison?” He asked, rolling his eyes, staring up at his ceiling.

“Here’s a crazy idea... why don’t you apologize?” She suggested, crossing her arms.

“Have you... met me?” Five frowned, lifting his head to watch his sister in confusion.

“Look, you and Y/N both need to stop being children!” She said, “I know you may have teen bodies, but aren’t you both like over fifty? Honestly, Five...”

“Knowing I will regret this, what do you suggest, Allison?” Five asked with a sigh, watching as his sister smirked in response.

You and Diego didn’t really take long to finish your business at the police station. In about thirty minutes, you both were back on your way home, unaware of the big surprise that was waiting for you.

You entered the house, stretching your arms, already telling yourself you needed a drink, even if it was only noon. You figured a glass of some expensive bourbon would calm you down, so you made your way in the living room, as Diego went to his room in his own business.

Although, you couldn’t help but widen your eyes in surprise, as you stopped in your tracks once your look fell on Five, who was sitting at the bar with a Margarita in one hand, and a big bouquet of flowers rested in his lap.

“Five?” You frowned, stepping towards him confused.

Never in his life, would Five ever think he’d be so happy to hear his name on your lips. He softly smiled, realizing that Allison’s plan was working, as you finally spoke to him, even if it was one word.

“Y/N.” Five gulped, setting down his glass to jump off the stool, “These are for you...” He hesitantly said, stretching his hands towards you, as he held the big, colorful bouquet of all sorts of flowers towards you.

“I... Uh... what?” You frowned, taken aback by the gesture.

Five wasn’t necessarily the romantic type, so this was the first bouquet of flowers you ever received from him. You knew he loved you with all his heart and he was in love with you, that’s why you didn’t care about the romantic gestures he never did- but, right now, watching his cheeks turn into a slight shade of pink as he was biting on his bottom lip anxiously- your heart melted.

Allison had given him all sorts of advice on how to apologize to you with the help of Vanya, since they were both well aware of the fact that their brother was not capable of saying such words by himself. But right now, as you stood before him, Five had forgotten all that they taught him.

“I... I suck at this kind of stuff, I gotta be honest.” Five sighed, stepping closer to you, still with the bouquet in his hands, as you were still hesitant, “I... I shouldn’t have snapped at you, Y/N, I know. You didn’t deserve to be told that, even if I didn’t mean it at all. I swear, I was only mad and I never meant to take it out on you.”

“Oh my God.” You covered your mouth in shock, “Are you... actually... trying to apologize to me?”

“Sort of... yeah...” Five sighed, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, “Look, what I am trying to say... What I am trying to say is that I appreciate your love, and having your support with me, and I know you care about my well-being.”

“Keep going...” You smirked, stepping closer to him, “Come on... they are three simple words.”

“Right...” Five sighed, running a hand through his hair, “Look, Y/N? I... I am...”

You didn’t even let him finish, as you softly took the bouquet out of his hand not to squish it, wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him into a tight hug. You knew how hard it must have been so far for a know-it-all like Five to say that, so you didn’t want to push him further. To you it was enough that he at least felt sorry for bursting like that.

“I love you.” Five sighed, wrapping his arms around your waist, “And I truly mean what I said earlier.”

“I love you too.” You smiled, not yet pulling away from the loving embrace, “And I know... I know...”

Five pulled away to smile down at you, “Thank you for being so understanding... and supportive.”

“I’d say it is my pleasure, but I’d be lying.” You teased him, bopping his nose with the free hand that was not wrapped around his neck still and holding the flowers.

“Hilarious.” Five sarcastically said, slowly leaning in, “I think I liked it better when you weren’t talking.”

“Really?” You scoffed, but before you could continue the playful banter, Five had already captured your lips into a soft kiss, finding a better way to shut you up.