#it kinda pains me i dont have the time or patience to make it into a comic or a book

[bellyjellyfish]

creating original characters with deep connections, fun personalities, a heart wrenching backstory and plotline, multiple designs and outfits for every scenario knowing damn well im never gonna make an actual story out of it is truly an otherworldly experience

[yunazxxx]

who do you think is the roughest in katseye?

the roughest in katseye… huh lets see

i wanna start off with sophia, because she really screams that she would HEAVILY contradict her own words. let me give you an example.

lets say you and sophia were having a nice time together, but you were doing things you knew was testing her patience. sophia was known for being so patient, but here you were making her grit her teeth and try to calm down every second.

sophia had never really, you know, been pissed in front of you but here you were feeling her energy switch. she would just look at you, sophia wasn’t one to be too rough physically.

once she got you where she wanted you, thats when she’d praise you, which was normal. your body reacting to everything she said, but then she’d begin degrading you in the same sentence.

she’d do this so often because she loved mind fucking you. it was her favorite thing, seeing you getting confused, unsure whether she was serious or not about the things she’d say, calling you her “dirty slut” but in the same sentence saying you’re so beautiful.

now of course we have, megan / manon

when it comes to megan, i don’t know i feel like shes not too rough with you, but she would definitely be so smug if shes able to get you below her.

like for instance —

you two were play wrestling, or just tussling around one day and you’re on top of her, you tease her and whatnot, per usual but she gets you on your back

and then next thing you know she’s smirking and smiling about it, calling you little things like “weak” but knowing how fast you could just shut her up she enjoys it.

but for manon, hmmm —

manon doesn’t seem like she’d be rough with you, honestly i don’t know maybe its her being a cancer or just her personality in general but i don’t see her ever being rough with you??

like if she ever got rough with you, she’d feel so bad right after like her heart would start aching and everything (my baby </3)

but for lara and daniela. — now lets get lara out the way first, because

i dont know what it is with lara and marking but i feel like she’d love to give you new marks every single time.

of course if you get her to that point, she’d always make sure you’re in pain once she’s done with you but she’s also kinda like a sophia.

she’d contradict so much she says, it’ll start with “i won’t be too hard with you” and then next thing you know, you’re waking up to her smiling to you while you’re in a warm bath after you passed out.

now daniela, the one who i PERSONALLY. believe to be the roughest out of all the katz.

now theres times where she’d play around and be like, “oh i didn’t know it would hurt that bad” but wouldn’t be soft with you.

daniela loved playing the “not knowing” act, knowing she’d keep doing it continuously. loving how red your skin would get, or how much louder you are when she was harder with you.

now, when she was mad it was actually different. she wouldn’t play the whole “not knowing” role, she’d purposely hurt you and would even degrade you.

if you tried begging or crying, pleading with her, anything she’d just mock you and bring up how you ended up in this situation in the first place.

[gomzdrawfr]

want to join the fandom cause it seems fun seeing fanarts and you and others interacting but I don't know how...and with the whole ai thing im scared...

my advice: just do it

really! sometimes all you really need is a leap of faith, and that was exactly how I dropped into the cod fandom. When I joined the ghoap discord server I talked to one of the artist I really like and respected from my lurking time (hi @bressynonym) aaaand the rest is history

I didnt know how to draw properly, nor digitally, all I did was scribbling on OneNote (yeah!) and rambled about cod characters, it is daunting and it is scary to interact but after a while? you may just be able to find someone to brainrot together with

start small, like commenting, reblogging, talking, chatting- doesn't have to be towards artist/writers, it could be the art/fic enjoyers!

you need to put yourself out there if you want something

as to if you want to start in the fandom as a creator, here's some more tips (which are all based on my experience, I am no pro at doing this, hell Im still learning myself, and I am by no means speaking these on behalf on others!)

establish a goal: what are you making? fandom based? original creations?

as with starting new, everything may take a while for stuff to happen, you'll feel like you're speaking to the void at times (esp with original arts, but do know that your stuff do get perceive by others as time goes, I would advise to draw fandom stuff as a beginning to get that boost going if you want! or else it's going to be quite hard to get things rolling)

imo this is hardest part of any new creator, you'll have to bear with it and try not to give up (but I understand how incredibly demotivating it could get, there were times when I stopped posting about Raven entirely, but eventually I post it anyway cuz surely someone out there will like them, it just takes a lot of patiences and perseverance)

btw, engagement can also vary from time to time, you may be booming for a bit, then suddenly you dont, it is a cycle that will bound to happen

take rest regularly, and I mean a break from social media because numbers, discourse and everything can get to you, very quickly (I cannot emphasise this enough)

the numbers are not worth it over your mental health (comes with practice to really solidify this thought)

study the algorithm (pain): see what other creators are doing to get where they are, what tags are they using in their post? what features/niche do people like?(this is, if you really want to grab some form of engagement, bcuz reminder in the end you are creating art for yourself first!)

example: I think posts would get more reach if you tag it with the ship name first, followed by the characters' name (doesn't work all the time tho)

that's the thing about algorithm, it is ever-changing, and you'll have to learn to adapt with it when it does!

expanding on that, studying algorithm could be about ships (for example, ghostsoap is most popular in the fandom), or really good rendered art/flashed out fic that leaves your jaw on the floor, or ships that gets lesser attention in general which puts you, who make content about them, easier to be brought into the light (like Faralex)

bUT, it can also be personality!

(again, not saying this is meant for everyone and strictly from my own experience + what I observe) for me, I made up the lack of my art by establishing a personality: a wild panda who yaps about price and their oc and also kinda everywhere in the place (just like this post LOL), OR you're the person who named themselves after Soap's ash particle number OR you're the one who likes bottom Ghost- literally anything goes, you want to make an impression in different ways, some more funny/goofier than others but it works (be mindful and stay respectful tho, dont wanna be the asshole in the fandom now do ya?)

efforts ≠ engagement (not all the time, but most time) and this is a fact. Sometimes, you can't expect a piece you did for 10+ hours to get thousands views and likes, especially in a fandom space. You need to understand algorithm is that wonky. (very disheartening, but again, you make the art for you and the few others who genuinely likes them, and those people can go a long way) be mentally prepared for such events, and try not to beat yourself up too much for it

ultimately tho, do it, do it scared but do it anyways and again, draw the things that bring you joy, I hope these could be helpful in some ways!

[larrythefloridaman]

I think about Larry (pre-loop) and Home's relationship a lot. How theres a sense of resentment on home's side and a sense of distrust on Larry's. How Larry can puff his ego up easy and yet every time hes given a chance to interact with himself in an externalized fashion theres this. distaste. Its never really strong enough to call 'self-loathing' exactly. Its very... casual. Almost insidiously so.

I think about how FL Man in the nccts expressed his hopes of becoming a champion eventually (although he'd just went 0-2 in his first tournament, and his friend dani would later outpace him easily) and his disappointment at becoming a plain ol' doctor on the sidelines instead (a perceived failure despite how much of an accomplishment he later knows it to be on the other side of that degree- larry shot for the stars and landed on the moon, but fl man is barely past being a dumb kid and kinda doesnt... get that concept, just yet i dont think) and his excitement about the powers hes going to have (which is soured by seeing them in action- clearly a little unnerved by the visceral reality of it.)

I think about how FL Man was 19-20, in that weird transitional phase from being a teenager into being an adult, and doesnt really think of himself as 'grown up' yet. I think of how Home is a boring stick-up-his-ass old man to him (and his shock that home is younger than larry as of current is still funny to me.) I think of how, often, when youre young and dont know much about adult life, before you start to mature, you arent really excited by mundanity. you want something dazzling, you have big hopes, often dictated by what the people and culture around you expect or deem valuable, and how sometimes it feels like a betrayal of your past self or a failure to give up on those hopes once you know more about yourself and what you want and who you are and how things work. I think about how Hamburger Helper shot down Larry's grab for captainship in seemingly as embarrassing a way as possible, because he thought Larry needed to learn patience and respect for his elders.

It seems. likely. to me that Larry got involved in Order's experiments in the interest of attempting to skip the work. hoping to become a better fighter he involves himself in all too many a superhero's origin story, is victimized by painful, unethical science, only to gain a power that, for all he loves it and benefits from it, he has also called a curse, a power that those who arent used to it sometimes look upon the symptoms of with a visceral disgust, a situation he and j0hn were lucky to survive and thrive in spite of together, where others werent so lucky. (For one thing if i recall, juniper's parents certainly weren't.)

I think about Larry and Home, opposed. Sometimes you look at your past self and all you see is a naive idiot, reckless and impatient and clueless, unbaked. It can be hard to give someone responsible for every bad idea you ever had the credit for surviving to become you, especially if youre not that happy to be you. And sometimes, you can't imagine why or how you would ever choose to become something you think you'd hate, make choices you'd regret, before youre standing there in your own shoes. Larry cant trust himself. And sometimes that's for good reason. Home didn't tell himself he'd die, after all. (And his boyfriend kept his future self's secrets- in a way he'd placed the person he'd become over who he was then. Did he think of him as a fixer-upper in the end, like his tech? ...As long as j0hn was happy, and safe, larry didn't mind. He knew he was a bit of a fuckup. J0hn was his whole world. The love of his life. His partner in everything, even this nightmare. And even if he loved the person he could be more than who he was, he was going to become him, so that didnt matter.) (J0hn doesnt care for the mustache.)

And i think about how home was there, a participant and a witness and a victim all at once, unable to alter the course of history but instead forced to watch and enact it and to reflect on how foolish he'd always been as hes forced to be complicit in the suffering of the community he wants nothing more than to protect in the pursuit of his endgoal, forced to trust that if he succeeds it will all turn out for the better. I wonder how much he blames himself. I wonder if he ever apologized to himself the way he apologizes to others he had to rope into all of that.

And he was right. It all worked. The plan worked. He played his role beautifully, so beautifully its part of him now. And he got the happy ending he wanted, he didn't even have to die for it. Turns out, it wasnt really the ending like he thought it might be. And now what? What does he do with himself? Whatever he wants, he has AGENCY now, hes an adult with a degree and a job he (mostly) loves serving his community and useful skills and money and time. He can help people, like hes trained to do, like he did all this to do in the first place, like hes good at. (After a little horrifying revenge. Just a little. If he has to send Dr. Order to a poetically satisfying end to keep her gone for good they can at least drag her errandboy's one winged corpse onstage as a bit for a while. And then that went horribly wrong. And then she wasnt gone for good. And the new susan's too cool and good for it to really be fair to hate her. Cool, cool, awesome doesnt completely fuck up the cathartic closure of that chapter of his life for him at all no sir definitely not hes definitely not having a dissociative episode just seeing Her again, ruining the illusion that he can just move on like all that didnt happen.)

And In his heart, he's always going to be making up for the fact that he couldnt do more. That he couldnt bear it all by himself. That he didn't do more when he could. That he failed to avoid this being necessary in the first place. That it was all rigged from the start, and that to an extent that could be understood as his own fault, and he did all this to himself and thats true in too many ways. Hes making up for being a low-class beat-down fool that doesnt really belong with the stars, but is among them anyway. He's making up for the fact he always was, always is, and always will be. Hes making up for it. He martyrs himself to pay back some intangibly infinite cosmic debt for surviving and thriving at others' expense- survivors guilt has always been something he and folk seem to have in common. Its his apology, for doing what hes done and being who he is. He owes everyone that much, for putting up with him all this time, doesn't he? He'll take advantage of the thick skin hes developed to protect others from the consequences of his and others decisions, draw the attention off of his collaborators, he'll always take the hit to take care of someone else.

But all that doesnt account for the fact his loved ones... yknow. Love him. And want him to be safe and comfortable and live for them as much as hes willing to suffer and die for them.

[theworldofkirby]

i adore you, noble haltmann… (president haltmann x reader fanfic)

A/N: hai guys i wrote a haltmann/rader fic as a kind of sequel to the dedede dating simulator bc i dont feel like coding another game to make a haltmann dating sim so take this haltmann x reader fic instead

ok so like u are in dream land right??? well :) it was taken over by capitalizm!!!!1 omg

you, (y/n) the SEXIEST freak in planet plopstar is almost crushed by one of those leg things on the haltmann works company star dream thingy ok? yea so you dodge that and like… there's a window or somethin and a guy falls out of there

you watch as he falls. he falls for like 10 minutes. but then he lands on the ground next to you and you hear a crumch.

"ow" the male says

"omg!!!!! are u ok" u ask the masculine man

"i think i broke my pelvurouscula" he says

"omg no……" u say and hold him gently. u have magic healing powers so u heal him

"gasp" he gasped. "i don't feel like dead anymore"

he gets up and u cant help but admire he. his beautiful egg shaped bod and wicked pinstripe suit. and his luscious hair and mustache.

"newayz my name is haltmann. max profitt haltmann" he said with not a trace of happy

"haltmann….. my name is (y/n)" u smile

"ok" he says. "i have to go home. bye"

he goes into his headquarters but u follow him. u keep talking to him "um so wat are u doing? i almost died" u frowned

"oh no" haltmann says. "did i accidentally park my plant on u"

"ya" u nod

"im so frickign sorry" haltmann starts crying. "i'm such trash i cant commit capitalizm without almost killing peopel"

u frown at the egg's sadness. "dont cry haltmann…" u say comfortationally

"no it's not okay i'm shaking and crying rn. i might throw up" haltmann starts crying

haltmann cries and opens his office door and runs in and throws himself onto his bed dramatically like a sad disney princess. u enter his office and hear some haunting lyrics…

"I pull away to face the pain

I close my eyes and drift away

Over the fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Torn away from you

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from sorrow's hold

Or from my hard heart"

u turn off haltman's ipod. "Haltmann" u say

"no my music" haltmann sobbed

"haltmann." u say again but more like… asssertively

"ouuu" haltmann screams into his pillow. "first i break my airpods and now my music is dead"

"HALTMANN" u grab him and sit him up

"what" haltmann sniffs

"whats wrong" u ask

"u see (y/n) i lost someone in da past… i forget who that was tho… but like someone died ok? and now im sad" haltmann explaines

"halmann" u look into his deep blue orbs. "i…"

"yes (y/n)?" haltmann blinks his beautiful sapphire saucers at u

"i…" u blush "i…"

"..." haltmann …ed

"i think u need to seek therapy" u gently stroke his bangs

"omg… ur right" haltmann tears up. he gives u a hug. "thank u (y/n)"

"ur welcome" u smile

"im so tired of depression. i will defeat this evil inside me. thank u (y/n)"

u get on his computer and start googling local therapists in dream land. "here's one," u say. "call them and see if they're accepting new patients"

haltmann gets his sexy cellphone out and calls the therapist. "hi mr. therapist, my name is max profitt haltmann and my friend (y/n) says i need therapy"

"ya we can take u in" says the therapit. "we will have u do an intake next month ok"

"n. next month." haltmann starts to tear up

u look at haltmann ernestly. "better late than never, haltmann… ur patience will be rewarded"

haltmann sighs haltmannly. "ok. we will do next month"

haltmann finishes scheduling his therapy appointment. u look at him with a pleased look on ur face. "that was kinda sexxy of u haltmann, working towards self care like that" u smirk and wink

haltmann blushes "haha yea i guess that is pretty sexy. um, not that i'm trying to be cool or anything" he stutters

"hey u can call urself sexy and cool all u want," u laugh. "ur epic even"

"(y/n)..." haltmann blushes. he leans in and gives u a kiss. his cute little mustache hairs tickle ur upper lip.

"teehee" u giggle. "ur mustache is so cute"

"thank u" haltmann says. "star dream says its ugly"

--

2 MONTHS LATER

haltmann knocks on ur door. u open it

"hi (y/n) my sweet honey bunches of oats" haltmann wraps his hands around u and dips u for a kiss

"h-haltmann" u blush "where did this come from"

"so u see, i followed thru with therapy like u suggested. little did i kno this would change my life" haltmann says. "going to therapy made me realize that i wasn't treating myself with respect, and if i want to feel respected by others, i need to develop respect for myself. without respect for myself, i won't be able to recognize gneuine respect from my friends and employees. and i cant live being so cynical anymore. i need to love myself, (y/n). i need to be my own bestie becuz who will be there for me when everyone is gone? i need to be there for myself"

u look at haltmann like this:

"haltmann… u… u mean…"

"yea. i love myself, (y/n), and its thanks to u…" haltmann kisses u again. "sory i didnt talk to you for the past 2 months btw i was depressed amd busy with therapy lol"

"its ok haltmann i love u no matter what" u stroke his egg head

"yea" haltmann nods. "um btw i like need some new music to listen to bc my therapist says i shuld stop listening to such depressing music if it makes me wallow in sadness more"

"say no more" u say as u smirk and take out of ur bookshelf a CDs of Hannah Montana 3 and the High School Musical Sountrack

u and haltmann spend the night picking out the best disney channel songs to boost his self confidence. soon enough its morning. "omg its morning" haltmann gasps

"it was nice spending the night with u haltmann" u blushed "we should do it again someday"

"no, (y/n)" haltmann gives u an onion ring "we will do it again today. marry me"

"ok" u blush

u and haltmann have a beautiful wedding with the stupidest most extravagant dress and cake bcuz hes rich. ur live happy ever after the end

[starcollectorsilas]

HELLO, ITS CHRIXYTY FROM AO3!!!! i decided to make a tumblr account just so i can interact with you on here :3 why? because i can. dont question me. i do strange things sometimes. (a lot of the time) but dont we all?

(i was serious when i said i would stop hovering like a ghost and start interacting. you better expect a LOT of comments from me from now on BECAUSE I JUST NEED TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION.)

ANYWAYS CHAPTER 13 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️ THANK YOU FOR THIS WONDERFUL PIECE OF ART. THIS WHOLE FIC IS A MASTERPIECE AND I LOVE THE ANGST !!! (ESPECIALLY DAZAI ANGST 🤗)

like im not even joking no fic has ever made my heart pound every second i read it before...like literally nothing could be happening and my heart is pounding at 150 bpm like damn its so good you might give me a heart attack frfr.

chuuyas so dense but i can kinda get his point of view :( UGH the slow burn is just making me anticipate the moment he finds out dazai's his soulmate even more...(betting chuuya will punch dazai out of anger because he realises dazai did all those things to himself...and then he'll feel the pain from the punch and be 100% certain and will start bawling cause idk emotion overload?? i can imagine it but yea im yapping a lot haha)

OH AND HIS FRIENDS FINDING OUT ABOUT ODAS DEATH??? AHH

also it makes me happy when authors refer to the canon universe in their fics somewhere like when dazai called his friends his "little detective agency" like its a small detail but it just makes me happy.

okay im SERIOUSLY yapping way too much but i needed to get all this out somewhere. my bsf is getting sick of me talking so much grrrrr >:(

(permission to one day when this fic is finished print it all out and bind it?? so i can forever keep it as like a memento and pass it down to future generations so they too can appreciate this amazing piece of literature??)

wow i wrote a lot. if only i could write this much for my fic in such a short time during writer's block.

WAITWAITWAITWAIT. I NORMALLY TRY TO ANSWER THESE TOPIC BY TOPIC BUT BINDING. MY. FIC???? HELL YES YOU HAVE PERMISSION WHAT THE HELL??? THAT'S SO COOL??? if i ask very nicely would you make me one too..? I'd pay postage and everything 🙏🙏 i wish i had the patience to bind fics into books but it requires so much time and patience that I don't have 😭

My only thing I would want to say is that I plan on revising some of the earlier chapters where it doesn't quite flow the way the rest of the chapters do, so if I finish it before I've done that (which probably won't happen, but just in case), I would recommend waiting a little!

ANYWAY. making an entire tumblr acc just to interact with me here? ...that's dedication man🫡 I already said it but I appreciate EVERY comment i get so i will be waiting with baited breath after every chapter!!

Glad you're loving the angst tho, I'm having a lot of the time throwing dazai and chuuya into a washing machine full of stones every chapter. great character building.

The reveals are gonna be so fun I can't wait to write them honestly. I'm so excited!!! Still got ages to go tho, so strap in it's gonna be a while.

I ALSO LOOOOVE REFERENCING THE CANON WHILE WRITING. THE NYE FLASHBACK WHERE DAZAI THINKS ABOUT HIS CONVERSATION WHERE THEY WANT TO BE DETECTIVES. OMG. I WAS SO PROUD OF THAT. AND THE 'soulmate detective agency'.

Do not feel bad about writing a lot cause I loved reading this and responding and once again YOU HAVE FULL PERMISSION TO BIND IT ONCE IT'S DONE.

[coldresolve]

A huge part of the whump being torture apologia discussion comes from the fact that people exoticize torture. It's foreign. It's something you see in spy movies and read about in thrillers. It's a pain that most people can safely distance themselves from in order to experience emotional catharsis or simple enjoyment. The thing is, some people don't get to have that distance.

It's hard for me to describe the sheer grief that comes with it all. I know a man who was tortured in prison. People who faced abuse from family so severe that it amounted to torture. Someone whose torture was to watch their friends be deliberately hurt. I wish whump writers could learn to have compassion for these people as well, even if their lived experiences are not exceptionally common or openly spoken about.

If an author portrays domestic abuse in their writing, it's generally considered necessary and responsible for them to either write the abuse in a realistic way or to state outside their writing that their portrayal of this very real issue is unrealistic. This respects people's lived experiences with abuse and prevents creating a culture of normalizing and glorifying abusive behavior.

It's most definitely not too much to ask of whump writers to uphold those same standards when writing about torture.

you have no idea how nice it is to get someone well spoken and well thought out in my inbox every once in a while. uh im on like hr 30 of being awake and kinda struggling piecing my thoughts together right now, so forgive me if i dont make a lot of sense, but i wanna say sth

the tone of your ask for some reason really hit a nerve for me. like getting slapped in the face, kind of. i think its the fact you come across really compassionate and just. calm, thoughtful in this. kinda puts my approach into perspective lol

i think im just angry about this topic. like ive got a passion for wanting to get it right, but its driven by anger and frustration. having ppl nitpick the fuck out of everything i say instead of actually having the sorts of conversations that should be had about the topic. i know me being angry edgy tantrum controversial oh whats he gonna say now guy and all that, turns people away from listening to me but i dont know how else to approach it sometimes, i don't want to make excuses for people who i feel should know better. i dont have that kind of patience i guess, at least not right now

i think that anger is like a manifestation, symptom. im angry about the people this happens to, and how catastrophic it is. angry at the people who let it happen. the systems that are built around it. people don't see how systemic torture can be. im angry that the fucking war on terror media frenzy was so effective, because your average person still fucking believes in all the bullshit. or the idea of torture survivors being "broken" like its a personal failure, like its the result of their own shortcomings when they're some of the strongest people you can meet. just all these unfair ideas about it that are everywhere. and people still somehow find it necessary to keep spreading those ideas, even if they know theyre wrong. when it doesnt add anything of value, youre not saying anything about it, youre not actually adding something to the conversation by going along with the bullshit, youre literally just entertaining yourself

i dont know how to not be angry about it, i think. thats the growth goal for me i guess, cause i know this isnt the sorta thing thats gonna fix itself tomorrow. and i dunno your ask just made me think about that, like how i handle this on a personal level. and i think itd be healthy for me to step away from the discussion for a couple days at least and just. accept that i tried to reach people this round, maybe it didnt really work, thats fine, ill try again some other time. also i am writing all this very slowly cause my skull is kinda collapsing in on itself so to speak and maybe that has something to do with me being sorta hopelessly frustrated lmfao. apologies

[salstini]

so i told le bf about feeling a lack of reciprocity in our relationship (thanks Liz for the expression heheh), I really tried to be as kind and neutral in my message despite my anger at the time, just stating what I feel and what i would like without criticizing him and like giving him options and stuff.

he hasn’t responded yet and i kinda feel like he’ll still take it the wrong way, get defensive and not listen to what i said at all, but we’ll wait and see… part of me wants to resort to the quickest resolution method aka “saying i’m the one who was wrong for everything, letting my guilt overwhelm me, cry from the pain and promise i’ll learn to control my emotions”

but this time I’m just gonna try sitting with the discomfort and not tell myself I’m wrong for asking for reciprocity. i’m not guilty of anything, I didn’t do anything bad, maybe I’m not perfect and maybe i am a needy and selfish and dysfunctional but it doesn’t make me a bad person. at least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself as i resist the urge to send him sthg like “im sorry… sorry that i’m the way i am” which is how most of our conflicts have been resolved i feel LMAO

maybe if this doesn’t go well then we’ll have to break up because i can’t continue processing his emotions for him … like every time i bring sthg up and feel genuinely sad or sthg, he’s often defensive and expresses anger instead of comforting me or trying to understand me… i dont necessarily want to depend solely on him for emotional support but being met with anger everytime i express dissatisfaction (even in the nicest way) is just not it for me

Who knows maybe I am the irrational one and he’s right and i’m asking for too much, but still there must be some ways we can discuss it and find solutions together right? if he can’t give me what i need, which i get is not sthg i should expect of anyone (as in like, can’t expect ppl to cover my needs at all times), at least can he give me some patience, forgiveness, understanding? i know it’s hard being with me but still 😭

[magnoliamyrrh]

you know i think its actually crazy that caregivers/cnas (yes im putting this in the same category lack of certificate changes nothing abt the work were doing its identical) get less respect than nurses and ppl wanna look down on doing this shit and go on abt how idk we only wipe ass or were the bottom of the healthcare/care barrel or whatever the hell like the way some ppl look down on u for working this kinda job is Wild

u try working an entire floor + 1/2 + picking up ur coworkers slack. u try having the time managment for that. u try dressing ppl and brushing their hair and teeth and making sure theyre clean and eating and needing to have all the patience in the world with dementia paranoid residents who Need to shower or change or eat but they dont wanna and u gotta do it anyway u try taking insults all day and having ppl try to swing at u for u trying to keep them alive.

u try being a mother to so many people for hours on end, being underpaid, and working overtime so much u might as well live at work. u try taking care of so many ppl like theyre all ur family while being nice sweet kind polite funny and soulful with every one of them while comforting them emotionally being there for them when theyre tired and in pain and scared and confused while also having time managment skills. u try taking insults threaths mental breakdowns and swings with grace while still caring for someone and then having to brush it off. u try having to lift ppl. u try being mother and friend and caregiver to so many ppl and having to remember what each one wants specifically

im sorry but we do more work than some nurses do without 1/70th of the respect that comes w that title and thats wild to me. or the pay. fuck off

[bossyuri]

Ima put my random thoughts about SRV in here! It probably won't make much sense but wtv sdfsg

again I haven't placed the last building or conquered the whole map yet, as context, but i did finish the main story aside from that.

So ima start of with thoughts while disregarding how the bugs affected the experience!

Overall, I had a good time! I really enjoyed it. I love the new crew. I loved the focus on friendship. I'd say the story overall is nothing really special though, which I don't think is necesserily a bad thing. Sometimes a chill story packaged in a fun game is good ya know.

I loved finding out bits and pieces about our friends through dialogue, I think that was great, and I really liked that it felt like a solid friend group. Modern Yuri (as I like to colloqually call him lmao) is so much more mellow from having a good support system early on lol. But he's still got some Classic Yuri in him.

The rival gangs I think that thematically, visually, their music and stuff, they were great. I liked them a lot, they had good contrast, their music when you fight them rules. I do think that they were a little underused in the actual story though so they don't quite leave the impact that say, the Syndicate did. The threat they posed felt more theorical than anything you actually see. Again not the worst thing, but I feel like they could've used a bit more time to be more present. (I did like how the Panteros stuff ended because it tied in with other things later though!). Like I think in particular that the collective could have been used a lot more.

That said I did play with looong months-long break for the first quarter of the game so idk how that affected my impression. And the last few missions I think were really, really cool, I really liked them! But I felt like the middle parts after a certain point weren't quite as memorable.

But I don't think it was bad! And the game isn't quite over yet, so I'm looking forward to what's to come.

Also I did like how narratively the game tries to give you a nice fantasy release from a lot of real life issues. I'm sure many people at Volition had to face these frustrations in their lives and it felt like. relatable yknow.

Now though.....so I work in game QA, going on my 7th year, and the game released in....really an unnacceptable state, which was really a bummer and really harmed it. I don't blame the devs. Devs want to give us good games. But they don't control release dates.

and they did not control covid. I know a lot people see covid as an "excuse" to fuck up games but trust me as someone who was working in the industry through it all, it absolutely messed up a *lot* of stuff that you may never know about. My setup from home is still not ideal. And thats not even getting into employee burnout but anyway-

I've had crashes to desktop, blockers in missions (regularly), broken multiplayer (tho i havent had a chance to test it again after patches) needing full game restarts for a variety of reasons (clothes broken, face broken, world stopped populating, quest blocked...) the clothes system still breaks for me after so many months after release (thought its a lot better. i dont fear the stores as much anymore lol). I don't know if it's a quirk of the PC version, but it would have been so much more of a good experience if they had had the time to polish the game more before release. Lots of gamers don't have much patience for this kinda shit, and it's a shame for a game that has a lot of love put into it.

But they're still patching the game, and the QOL changes that they keep adding are really good. The game is a lot more stable for me too so I will definitely keep playing, and I'm hoping that my mental state will allow me to make some fun content from it. I'm still kinda hoping for a steam release sometime so I might get to replay the story again if that happens. Because taking screenshots on epic is a goddamn pain.

So huh anyway. I don't think anyone cares that much but if you've read that far thank you! And also thanks for sticking around with me for so long despite my dropping off the face of the earth in a depression spiral. But I'm still around and Yuri is still around. And Saints Row V is fun!

[lehhoh7822]

maybe this is a shitty take it probably is but whenever i see headspace hotels post about. a comfort zone? and i dont mean to minimise any struggles that person has experienced but it makes me think about. 

in a fandom i am/was in (dsmp) there was a trend where there would be a fuckton of fics about this one character who had been beaten down and fucked over by all of the people who were meant to be responsible for his wellbeing. and the fic would take him into comfort and care and recovery and unconditional love and patience. 

which obviously isnt like. realistic for recovery for a lot of people!! but i think it shows that there is some general understanding of headspace hotel’s concept of how one can lose their grasp on what their comfort zone is, and the recovery for that kind of stress and pain isn’t to push more, but to allow rest and healing.

there would be fics about learning how to set boundaries- oh, hey. i got one that isn’t even. in universe. hell i can do better than in universe cause i know thats touchy but. theres a really good au about ice skating, where one of the main characters is really used to life under an abusive coach. and doesn’t grasp what the exact problem is with how he’s being treated, or how he would like to be treated otherwise. he’s just tired, fragile, miserable and alone, and the circumstances have isolated him from the ability to voice that and realise that he need a pause, if anything. 

the solution, all of this media really cleanly spelled out, is allowing time and social support systems. it kinda shows: under a long term stress like this, stress where someone is being openly made to lose sense fo what they’re comfortable with, people who are struggling with understanding what is being signalled to them by pain and sickness and then struggling more with voicing it, that while it might feel like a failure of a too small comfort zone, and self improvement is about being brave, i think these tings have relaly taught me.

hey. sometimes you. sometimes others. will crash and burn. sometimes things will crash and burn, either for you and for others, and smetimes its worthy to keep pushing at it, but other times we should be allowed the grace of a pause, and the grace of kindness and time. and maybe its the capitalist culture surrounding rest and needing breaks. maybe its internalised stuff. maybe its just social pressure of expected progress. but both of these options sjould be okay. sometimes things crash and burn. not all fires should be treated the same. 

idk.

just. been thinking

[perfectnightbouquetfan]

my start therapy

sitting here listening to clay pigeons and feeling an appriciation for the little things. i looked at therapy today and am hoping i can afford it. hopping itll help. but im happy, i feel this pressure about my future coming from behind me. thats pretty insightful. maybe i dont need therapy. maybe i need a xanax.

i wanna be better than i was. i think life is just that simple. i need to work on giving myself patience. i proabaly have flaws i havent even thought of but nobody seems to mind. most of all i dont mind. for example i was a wreck in high school. didn'y apply myself, nervous wreck, and slutty. idk why but i dont feel guilty. maybe shame. im more mad FOR myself rather than regret. idk, i think about it often but i am happy with most of the things i did. i do in fact look back and laugh. and sometimes get angry. but i dont think it matters that much. i was just a kid who happen to be future me's worst enemy.

everyone always tells me how mature i am for my age. what's up with that? i know the meme's that're like "trauma" but i dont think that's it. i think i really just get it. i get the game. i get why people do the things they do. maybe it's not that simple but i always was so worried about finding my identiy so i could be heard that i saw everyone else's. can you tell i queued some radiohead in my playlist? how stupid. nevertheless i feel that way. i feel like a 43 year old 2x divorcee with a mortage and trauma that fits neatly in a suitcase and other times i feel like a 10 year old girl who's feelings barely fit in her body. i think a 10 year old girl might have better emtion regulation. i dont really hang out with those types.

it feels kinda narcissistic to write about myself and try to make insightful conclusions. i don't know why I write this as if anyone will read it. maybe it's a self-esteem issue. i know it's just myself but why do I need to prove anything to myself.

i think i should probably talk to someone about my dad passing. i wrote that one essay about it coming in waves. it doesn't feel like I wrote it thanks to my ex bf's sister's help. she was so smart. i really wanted her to think I was smart. anyways, I talk about grief feeling like waves. i gave a speech on it at academic decathlon and all my judges cried. i guess I believe it but it isn't a unique take or anything. this woman at my job lost her mom. that pain is so unimaginable to me I cant even describe. but like my dad? idk it's complicated. it's almost like he died when I was 14 and the idea of him forever at 17. I don't even know how old I was when we last spoke. but I remember what it was like.

they say you froget the sound of their voice first, but I remember it so clearly. okay gotta stop now. i cant cry. it never seems to do anything,

i wish big thief would release incomprehensible. it's about not making sense and most of all about aging. i personally cannot wait to age. i cant wait to be settled. i know Ill never feel that way and I'll miss my 20s but I can't wait to be an attorney or whatever. no actually I have no other option. i don't care if I die doing it I'm going to be on the bar. i wont be a paralegal. I'll be the fucking boss. I'll mean something. I'll be heard. i wont have to figure myself out. i wont have to fix my self esteem. i can be an attorney wth an alcohol problem. the only clique il stand for

[alpsss]

i was last here a year ago. a YEAR

an entire friggin year has gone by. is this any indication of the future?! like is it just gonna jump year after year, completely and uncontrollably fleeting. GROWING PAINS

i wanted to come in here and reflect how i feel about MOTHERHOOD, being a PARENT, now that i've got a good number of years in and i feel like i can actually comment rightfully.

it's so hard, but it's so rewarding

there's something about building your own tribe, these little human-imps you created, they reflect yourself back at you, they're charming little silly things with a wealth of ideas and rich inner worlds, i LOVE that they can express now and do so marvellously. i LOVE connecting with them and now we have back and forths, like they can tell matt im checking out shoes and bags online, and they can ask me 'did you also use to do this when you were a kid', its like having buds 4 lyfe that came from your dna, so naturally you're gonna adore em. and it's so much fun and entertaining, etc, also i love how much i've grown.

levels of empathy, the human connection, motherhood bonds ALL. i love how unifying it is, like the other day we met val and i had so much to say to her. i love how enriching it is as a human experience, kinda like how i loved the wild process of labour. being a parent makes you human in the most visceral way. tests your patience, tests your creativity needing to negotiate, decide which battles to pick to win, the art of convincing, finding new ways to 'win' them over, juggling a million balls at once, OPs, daily battles like brushing teeth hauling their asses to and from school, it's lessons on life everyday and i feel like im learning, growing

i also feel like ive renewed lease of life. i remember pre-kids just slumping on the couch vegging out in front of tv. now i barely watch anything. i am able to dance, run around, carry both, walk everywhere, nothing is too 'tough' for me, i love how strong my body is, i am STILL breastfeeding, i love how i am more unfazed when it comes to difficult and trying times, i love how having kids puts into perspectively instantly what matters in life the most. i love how i feeeel more, your heart is more tender, you realise the fragility of life, you are SO AWARE that life is so short. it's. bittersweet but i love how i am so deathly aware that this could all end. my time with my kids is finite. our time on earth is finite

i find myself 'crying out to God more, saying let's pray, now that the kids r well adjusted in sunday school they also pray 'God protect zhorzhor, thank God for best friend', its so pure and encouraging, i find that being a mother has also made me more spiritually connected because so much is out of your control and i find it freeing to let go and let God. EVERYTHING is from Him.

matt shouts more and now we morph into each other but we are mostly exxhausted but this week without my mom has been so. gratifying. i want to say my relationship with my mom is at its worse, but who's to say this is final? it's just not great, i dont want to go into details, i just dont particularly appreciate the disrespect, the overstepping of boundaries, the toxic malignant narcissism, the bullshit ive to take on the daily. currently i am tired but nothing beats MENTAL FREEDOM and operating on your own effing terms.

never say never. and never say you wont change. now i'd rather come home and chill out than spend hours in a mall. i thought i'd never online shop but now its fun. never say you wont do something cos it totally will bite you in the ass. do we need a car? club med bintan was certainly one highlight of the year. i love my little family and i love me and matt being able to parent as we so fit.

i love my two girls, they're wise beyond their years they have so much spunk personality and originality they're so one-of-a-kind. together they're manic elves plotting against us but they're also so individually sweet i love when they give hugs show affection exercise kindness, they just LIVIN out their truth and also being unbridled untainted by the world. true creativity. i cant believe their my people for life.

anyway this year has been interesting but mostly watching them develop with each passing day as fully formed humans, so much changes it's hard to keep track! im so grateful each day for being an artist and making a living from what i love and do best, but also im grateful that i get to be a MOM.

[girlcumdrunk]

okay this is going to be different from most of the responses if i had to guess. most of the glados followers are going to be the type to write extreme gore/snuff, but something about the way the stillness of everything was described got my hypno brain/monsterfucker brain going hard. we'll see if this turns out good i dont have too many ideas here skjfdskjlfdskl

ps i would love to be tagged if you ever do somethin like this again.

CWs for hypnosis, CNC, mind control, and ego death??? that last one is debatable.

notes from after writing: this turned out to be a bit crueler and more intense than i anticipated. this is going to have to be only part one, as this kinda got away from me. the only problem is, im not sure exactly where to take it. if i cant decide sometime within the week, i may just make a poll so i can keep working and complete at least one potential ending to this. either way, more will eventually come. (PS: glad0s please DM me if you have any specific ideas on how this should continue, or would like to know the ideas im juggling in my head, or for literally any other reason but especially that first one)

you watch it snap to attention against the far wall. you're impressed it stayed complacent this long, but you have to be sure its not some sort of trick. It does that sometimes, trying to find some way to escape.

there's probably some people who would call what you're doing here rape. you dont particularly care either way. it agreed a long time ago that it only existed to serve you. sometimes, when it's managed to trick itself into thinking it's a person, it will try to take that back. it doesnt always like the ways you use it, the pain you've caused it. but it hasnt said its safeword yet. and if it doesnt remember that it can, it hasnt mentioned that either. you feel a slight twinge of annoyance that its safeword would likely actually stop you. it's made you into a softie.

you know exactly how long that chain is by now. you stand just close enough that it could grab your ankles if it reached, and stop to consider how much progress you've made with it. there's a part of you that's excited to make it get you off, but you remind yourself to be patient. you designed this place so that you'd always have all the time you needed.

you slowly stripped each part of it away, made them parts of you. sometimes you let it have them back, because sometimes it's fun to hear it beg you to stop, but even speaking is a luxury for it these days. you've made it so perfect. you look at it, remembering when it could think. that was one of the first things you took from it, starting with maybe just a half hour at a time. to help it relax, you'd both said. and because it felt good of course. it had been aroused by hypnosis for a long time before meeting you. it could've been a fun challenge, if you had to start from scratch, but you're not quite that patient.

then, it expressed some desire to experiment with pain. you may have helped it get to that point a little. it hadnt been opposed to the idea, before. but you made sure it liked it more and more with each slap. it was all online, back then, making it hit itself. you still dearly remember the first time you took all the pleasure back out of pain, and watched its eyes fill with fear as it tried to stop beating itself. you bruised it very well that night, just to prove a point. you give it pain for YOUR pleasure, not its.

it liked that surprise a lot afterwards. you had been lacing your inductions with fear-related words for months, of course. you never would've risked it trying to back out before it was stuck in your basement. patience was the name of the game back then. now, you only take it slow when you want to. you sit on the bed, cross your legs, and look at the artificial moon. as much as you've changed your toy, it has changed you a little too. you like being patient now. for a long time it felt like pure agony. you think having a room where time doesnt pass helps. your toy sometimes accused you of using your talents with witchcraft to help you break its mind, an idea you always played into, but in truth you only cast your first successful spell about a year after the two of you had first started talking. and by then you loved the challenge of trying to drop them with nothing but your words.

you had given it a few surprises, and eventually, it happened. when negotiating before a session, it told you to do whatever you wanted that day. that it would go along with anything you said. you had been waiting so long for that day. it finally took the bait.

her name had been lila. it was a beautiful name. she had thought long and hard about which name to choose, and eventually decided on lila when you suggested it to her. that was back before all your interactions were explicitly erotic, but that moment had sent a shiver down your spine. you got to give it a name, as a gift. and you knew that would make it all the easier to take that name back.

What really surprised you both was that she couldn't remember her name when you woke her up. You had given it back to her after that, of course, but that was the first time you dared to dream you might be able to completely rewrite her without a single spell. and even then, you never would have dreamed that you could train her to stay down for what felt like weeks from within this cute little room. but still, it isn't quite perfect. you've noticed it shifting slightly from discomfort. Its knees sore from kneeling on the tile floor. that's a thought you didn't allow it to have. It may be faking this trance, plotting some way to escape. all that gentle reminiscing goes cold in a moment.

"you may speak, but only if you speak honestly."

you wait for a moment. it tries to act like it doesnt know you're onto it, but you know what it looks like when it knows you've caught it. it has gotten so good with its poker face. but its nose still flares, for just a moment. a simple biological reaction to the level of terror that must be flooding her system.

"were you planning on trying to escape again?"

it clenches its jaw closed, as tight as it can. you both know you've caught it, yet it carries on with this worthless resistance. 

"speak. now."

its mouth opens, a strange raspy sound that can barely be called speech coming out.

"y- yes"

you've lost progress. That was a direct order, and it still almost resisted. that quiet rage that you once hid from it fills your gut. Your fist clenches for a moment. You see it flinch.

"You did not have permission to flinch."

you see its eyes widen in terror. you're being more strict than usual. it knows that means that that fist likely wasn't an empty threat today.

"s- sor- i- it is only sorry because it is being punished." its words catch in its throat a few times. at least that honesty command still works. but it should be sorry because it is disappointing you, not because it is afraid.

you know what you should do, to not lose any more progress. you should put it in a nice, deep, relaxing trance. you should tell it that it can trust you, that you're doing all this for its own good, remind it that it asked for all this. then slowly, gently reinforce its mindless obedient bliss. maybe even lower your standards. it's almost impossible to stay in trance for more than what one perceives as a day. most of the other people you've tranced would struggle to stay down for more than an hour without constant maintenance from you. trance is a skill on both ends of the watch, and your little toy could probably take home an olympic gold.

but the truth. the one thing you've never told it, that it has likely known for years. you don't want them to ever become fully perfect. if it did, and it stayed that way forever, then the fun would end. you would never have a reason to make it afraid. you've never been one to replay games you've won. you like games that never have to end.

"im taking your control of all your nonessential muscles." you're almost certain you dont have to specify that they can still breathe, that their heart can still beat. specifying its only mildly for their safety, mostly to let the horrific implications of what might happen if you didn't specify fill its mind. 

it slumps to the ground, completely paralyzed. you walk forwards, and kick it hard in the ribs. a soft groan escapes it, completely involuntarily. just the wind you knocked out of it pushing past its vocal cords.

"ah, right. you can control your mouth, I suppose. and your throat. it's more fun to watch you cry and beg. But I'm keeping control of everything from the neck down."

you know that the biochemical reaction that lets it start to cry would likely work either way. but the fact that you both know it would've taken much longer for them to break down without explicit permission serves as another reminder of your control.

you kick them in the stomach this time, enjoying the sweet sounds of its begging, the way its voice hitches at the moment of impact.

"pleaseplease imsorry ill be better i promise i wont try to escape anymore."

...it genuinely believes that. even if it could lie right now, you could tell just from the tone of it's voice. time will make a liar of it, you're sure of it. It will try to escape again. But it is reassuring to know you haven't lost as much progress as you thought.

you lean in, and gently ruffle its hair.

"good girl!" you let the implications of that statement hang in the air for a moment, before you make it explicit.

"I'm giving all of it back, except your movement. you can have your name, your gender, your free will. all of it. I'm still keeping any control below the neck, but I'm giving you back your brain!"

you can see her tiny brain try to process that.

"upupup! snap out of your trance before i change my mind!"

lila nods her head resting against the ground, and almost immediately starts to sob.

“Please, i- i'm scared please let me leave  i dont want to do this please dont hurt me ple-” you cut off her rambling with another swift kick to the ribs, as hard as you can. You aren't physically strong enough to run any risk of breaking its ribs, and even if you did you’ve placed a few real spells on it to make sure it won't die from something as simple as a ruptured lung. Not that you’ve told her that.

“Greedy girl. I just gave you so much, and yet still you ask for more.” You get down on one knee, and lean over to whisper in her ear. “You’re in no position to bargain, darling.”

She’s sobbing from the pain you’ve already given her. But it isn't enough. 

“Now, I have a deal for you. You want to leave, and I want to hurt you. I think there’s a way we can both get what we want.” you watch her try to process this information. You’ve never offered her freedom before, at least not that she can remember. She clearly thinks that this is a trick, but still, you see a slight glimmer of hope in her eye. Perfect. 

“A- anything, please. I swear, I won't tell the police, I- I’ll do whatever you ask, please.” Her voice is thick with emotion. A genuine appeal to your empathy. hoping you might take pity on her. 

“Good! Well then, all I ask is one last night to enjoy you. I'll give you back control of your body, along with your mind. Everything about your mind will be exactly as if you never met me. And if you do exactly as I tell you, if you don't fight back or struggle or disobey, then I'll let you back out into the world, to live your life however you see fit. And from time to time out there, I'll call you, and you’ll come back here, and I'll use you however I like, and then let you go back about your life! All I ask is that you do exactly as I say for the next five hours, and you can get your freedom.”

They look at you with caution. Suspicion even. But you both know that’s the best deal she’s ever going to get. 

“...how often would you call me.”

“No more than once a month.”

“Deal.” 

You see the determination in her eyes. She doesn't think you’re telling the truth, she thinks there’s some loophole she isn't seeing, but she’ll be damned if she’ll let you say that she didn't try to win her freedom. She refuses to let you claim she wants to be here.

This is, I suppose you might say, a writing prompt. It's also an experiment, and an open invitation to anyone who would like to write and perhaps have me write back.

~

The fur lined steel cuff is custom fit, neither so tight that it cuts and bruises nor so loose that it shifts and chaifs. The chain is almost insultingly thin, it invites the misconception that it might be broken. The thick bolts that secures it to the concrete wall suggest otherwise.

The roof twinkles in a reasonable faxcimile of a clear night sky. The fake moon, hanging several meters above the floor, illuminates an enormous bed that dominates the room. The plump pillows are perfectly placed upon the luxiourious looking blankets. There is a palpable air of care. The creation of this room was an act of love, or perhaps misplaced devotion.

The perfection is almost eerie, each item entirely untouched, the blankets unruffled, the draws unoppened. And much like the eyes of the plush toys strategically scattered about the room the only occupant stares blankly at the wall. Unmoving, crosslegged, cuffed by the ankle. Until

*click*

The latch on the door

Eyes fly wide. A breath sharply inhaled.

The door opens

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

#unnecessary main post addition but i gotta fight u in the tags

dragging you into the parking lot bc my tedtalk got too long for the tags sorry

#cus you said the master would be so good at all the spying stuff and the doctor crap #nah nah nah nah nah i’m not having that #have you experienced seven??? #the master going by the moniker m. aster???

nah i see where youre coming from, but also no, influenced by my watching 5 seasons of two spies living entire fake-real lives with real children and real jobs and fake-real relationships and patience and procedures and backup procedures and aborting the mission because maybe we're being followed and five thousand precautions for every little thing the mETICULOUSNESS. the disguises. the exhaustive attention to detail. the focus on the big picture, the big utopian promise in the distance. doing incredibly painful things now because of the belief it will eventually pay off

mr john "call me the doctor" smith cant do that (i'll admit the master's anagrams are not much better but bear with me) the doctor cant live a fake-real life. the master has lived many.

the only thing, the only thing where it breaks is the faith that is essential to the whole thing. because you'd say the doctor has the stronger faith right? what does the master believe in?

but i dont think the doctor believes in ends justifying means. i think they know that never works, that never leads to good things. and i dont think mr "look at us, suki! two brilliant scientists! we can fix this" could ever be seduced by the lie of "if we get rid of the Bad Guys the world will be Good"

i dont think the master believes in it either, either of those things, not like philosophically, but what the master can do is delay gratification. and when you dont really have a Cause but you Do have patient self-interest then it kinda ends up looking similar.

neither the doctor nor the master would be spies you want to have in your organisation because theyre untrustworthy. theyre not devoted enough. there is not a cause you will get them committed to for any extended period of time i think. i mean, they got indoctrinated enough on gallifrey and still became renegades right? the doctor was in division and fled, the master we assume was too?

#the doctor deliberately trains themselves to be good noodle #innocent as a child #think the best etc. #but as we see with 13 #when they want to act in their ‘worst’ nature they’re unmatched #the master is a good spy trying to be better #the doctor is an incredible spy trying their hardest not to be

irrelevant! irrelevant to whether they'd be a good spy. spy =/= bad (i mean depends on your moral stances i suppose but to me, again, influenced by 5 season the americans as my main source of my understanding of spies (which i get that it probably doesnt work like that - i looked up some of the terms they use in the show, directorate s, illegals program, and turned out there were some spies like the ones in the show arrested in 2010 and they werent even charged with espionage bc they didnt manage to get any useful information. youre gonna live a whole fake life and you dont even spy good can you imagine? anyway the show came out in 2013 so i was like oh this happened and then they probably used that idea and set it back 30 years to the cold war for extra stakes and that seems to be exactly what the writer did. anyway point is. i know it's fake but it's my only reference so im imagining the doctor and the master in a specifically americans type of situation))

i'll give you that the master is a good spy trying to be better. i do Not buy the doctor being better. they'd lose their mind. weeks, months, years of developing relationships with people to get what you want from them. inhabiting a fake identity. having to "make it real" in some way like philip says. fake identities that are also real but also carefully crafted to be precision tools. absolutely not. i cant see the doctor do it. "the man who won the time war" you want as a player in your hot war, not your cold war. theyre a strategist, not a spy.

the master on the other hand i think you want in a war that is hiding itself, that is pretending not to be happening (i could even push this further and say koschei "my chosen name is a misdirection" oakdown would actually rather be in a position to get orders whereas the doctor wants (and wants not to want) to be the one giving the orders. but at this point im just saying stuff)

thanks for coming to my ted talk i told you Lots of spy thoughts

adore when they get like just one or two random other spies to help in a mission or something and they know absolutely nothing about each other except we're working for the same side. like when they get this guy to pretend to be a pastor to calm down pastor tim and afterwards they get in the car and they watch this guy leave and elizabeth is like "do you think hes really a priest". or when philip walks out of that shop and theres two spies he hasnt seen before or since pretending to be trying to find the way with a map on their car and hes just like need some help and they tell him some code words and a meeting point or whatever and they leave and never see each other again

like. idk. it's so funny like 13 voice rule 1 of spying trust noone but like. theres sooo much trust in this job it's nuts. and it's all so, like, procedurised. theres endless procedures and backup procedures to try and like, make it all work like a machine and try to eliminate the human error in a job thats only and entirely built on connections between humans. it's admirable and endearing and kind of incredible like aside from whatever theyre doing it for, the CauseTM is an entirely different post that i havent posted but like. just as an achievement, an expression of human as social animal, it's amazing