#it just makes me so sad when people seem to feel guilty

[naughtyneganjdm]

Love's Second Chance: A Holiday Reunion - Chapter 21

Summary: Having Christmas morning alone with Negan, Y/N tries to get a feel for how he feels about things with a strong amount of guilt eating away at her for saying no to his proposal. During their Christmas get together, Joel gets angry when people seem excited at the potential idea of Y/N being married to Negan.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC), Negan Smith, Tommy, Maria, Peter, Elizabeth, Siddiq, Rosita, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60501985/chapters/159023956 Warnings: Swearing, Severe Angst, etc.

Notes: This is the second to last chapter. This is a long chapter with a lot of angst (I guess that's typical by now) -- thanks for taking the time to read this story! I appreciate anyone who did.

Today didn’t feel like Christmas. The time spent in New York with her family and Negan felt more like Christmas than today did. For some reason, there was a sense of negativity and sadness that lingered in Y/N’s heart. Things still felt off. Even after last night, something weighed heavy on her. It felt like the right thing to do with Negan and Joel having that talk, but she still felt guilty. Guilty about denying that job with Negan and telling him no to marriage. And then there was the house that he offered to get them if they stayed in this town. There were so many topics that she had to approach and she had no idea how to handle any of them. Including having Joel insist on having her marry him and not Negan.

Both Negan and Joel seemed to want this relationship for the three of them. Being together was not something they had a problem with. They showed that by the few times they had sex together. And? Yet? They both wanted to be married to her during this whole thing. And neither one of them seemed okay with the idea of not being married to her. Which truthfully? Made it so complicated and it stressed her out. More than she cared to admit.

Earlier Joel had woken up and left to go spend the morning with the children and Tommy. He assumed that the children, specifically Elizabeth would be worried about him if he didn’t. And really? He didn’t make a big deal of it. Negan was still sleeping, so he just kissed her goodbye and left. There seemed to be no tension, but things still felt…off? Maybe she was overthinking things, but she didn’t know.

“You’ve been quiet,” Negan commented causing Y/N to jump as his hands slid in over her hips from behind. Nuzzling his nose in against the side of her neck, he placed a loving kiss there and then wrapped her up in his arms. Squeezing her firmly, she leaned back into him accepting the hug that he was giving her. For hours the two of them had decided to bake and cook together. It was something she usually loved that took her mind off things and kept her busy, but today? It wasn’t working as well. Too many thoughts were running through her mind and there was an undeniable ache that was focused at the center of her chest. “I’m not used to it.”

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, dropping her hands to hook her fingers with his. Giving them a firm squeeze, she didn’t know what to say to make up for the way she was acting right now. “For some reason, my mind is just very busy.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Negan offered, peppering faint kisses at the side of her neck. It had her eyes coming to a tight close with a long sigh escaping her throat. It felt nice being like this. So why was she so upset?

“I don’t think today is the day to unload all of that because of what day it is,” she stammered, resting her head back against Negan’s shoulder. Having him cuddling her in his arms felt nice. Being with him was a wonderful feeling. So she didn’t understand why she was feeling the way she was. “I don’t want you worrying about me though.”

“I’m always going to worry about you,” Negan reminded her with a huff, his nose nuzzling in against the side of her face. His short beard scratched at her skin and it made her eyes come to a tight close again. “I love you. That’s what people do.”

Turning in his arms, she placed her hands firmly in over the center of his chest. Looking at Negan, he still seemed exhausted. And things did feel different after she turned down his proposal. It’s not like he was mad at her or angry. She just wondered if she broke his heart. And she didn’t like it. But it wasn’t that she was upset with him. Just before it felt like there was something light in their relationship. They were always happy and Negan brought forth the best feelings inside of her. Now? She didn’t know if she hurt their relationship to the point of making him miserable.

Palming up his chest, over the side of his neck and to his face had a faint smile tugging at his handsome features. As the warmth of her hand caressed at the side of his face, it had his long eyelashes fluttering to a close. Tipping up on her toes, she hovered her lips in over his hearing the faint exhale that escaped him at the imminent thought that she would kiss him. Rewarding him with the loving caress of her lips over his had his hands cupping her face in them loosely.

“I love you,” she whispered when they parted, leaving just enough room for her eyes to hook with his. Sweeping her thumb over his chiseled jawline had him smiling and giving her a firm nod. “So much. You know that, right?”

“Of course,” Negan assured her with a weak smile, but she couldn’t tell if it was honest or not. No one was better than Negan at plastering a smile over their face to pretend they were okay. “I love you too, very much.”

There was still pain in his hazel eyes and it hurt her so much to see it, but she tipped up on her toes to press another loving kiss over his lips. There was a silence between them when Negan lowered his head to nuzzle his nose in against the side of her face. Stroking her fingers at the back of his neck, her fingers sank into his hair causing him to sigh loudly.

“Y’know, I thought you’d be having your camera out today,” Negan tipped back attempting to change the subject. “You should be documenting today for yourself and the children.”

“Maybe I’ll do that when people start arriving,” she thought aloud tipping her head from side to side. What was strange is that today should have felt better. She was getting to spend the holidays with her whole family, including Joel and Tommy. Now having Negan here was a good thing. The previous holidays were hard because Joel was dating Tess at the time which meant that she was rarely included. But now they were all together for the holidays. It should have been something more positive. “Negan, I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Negan frowned, his expressive eyebrows furrowing. Maybe this was the wrong way to go about things, but she felt like she needed to apologize. Right now with the house smelling amazing from their baking and cooking, maybe they should have been focusing on that instead, but her mind was weighing heavy. With all the desserts and dinner that they had been working on, her stomach was rumbling, yet, she wasn’t hungry. “You’ve done nothing wrong. Other than get some egg on me earlier with the cookies.”

“For not being in the Christmas spirit I guess,” she came up with the first thing she could think of, but in reality she was really thinking about how she turned him down at that skating rink. Swallowing down hard, Negan simply shrugged his shoulders like he didn’t care. Christmas had always been her favorite holiday, but there was that depression that had set in. So much had been going on and it overwhelmed her to the point of her feeling bad. “I know you wanted today to be very different. Romantic…”

“I’ve enjoyed my morning with you,” Negan hushed her, placing his finger delicately over her lips to silence her. “Don’t apologize for something like that. Sometimes we all feel a little down and we can’t exactly help it.”

“You shouldn’t continue to be this nice to me Negan,” she insisted with a saddened breath. Truthfully? She never really felt like they got to that point of talking about what happened. “Your proposal was beautiful and I ran off on you.”

“It’s fine,” Negan shrugged it off, forcing himself to look away from her. That was a lie and she knew it. Grasping his chin between her thumb and index finger, she forced Negan to look at her. “What do you want me to say Y/N?”

“Be honest with me,” she responded, urging him to open up to her.

“Fuck, I don’t know what to say,” Negan reached up to pull her hand away from his face, grasping her hand firmly in his. “You just weren’t ready and it’s not what you wanted. I’m not going to be mad at you for it. You want something else and I’m going to find out what that is first. Everything else? We’ll figure out those details.”

“I still don’t think you’re being honest with me,” she stressed to him, shaking her head at his answer. “And that’s not the relationship that I’ve had with you. I think I broke your heart.”

“Does it make you feel better if I say yes?” he wondered, his hazel eyes narrowing with his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat.

Considering the question, she felt an ache growing at the center of her chest and she shook her head slowly, “No, not really.”

“Then why would I tell you that? The last thing I want to do is hurt you. So why don’t we just forget about it?” Negan suggested with a slight smile that just seemed like one of those fake ones that Negan had plastered on his face most of the time. Going to move around her toward the kitchen after placing a gentle kiss over her forehead, she stopped him by grabbing a loose hold of his wrist. Something about this was stressing Negan out. “I’m used to it Y/N…”

“Used to what?” she was trying to understand the things that he was feeling right now.

“Losing out to Joel,” Negan turned on his heel, his stare meeting hers again. Shrugging, it looked like he tried to say something more, but nothing else came out. Hearing that from Negan actually hurt more than she thought it would. “I’ve lost out to him my whole life Y/N.”

“That’s not what it was,” she tried to suggest, but Negan tipped his head to the side with his dimples becoming more prominent. Clearly he disagreed.

“Isn’t it?” Negan breathed out, throwing his hands up in the air. “I understand the job. You’re worried about the children? Okay. But refusing to marry me? Did that have anything to do with the children? Or was it because you still love Joel?”

There was a silence that came over them with Negan nodding his head, “See. I’ve been losing out to Joel in your eyes since he moved to this town. All it took was one look at him and you were in love with him. It didn’t matter how much I loved you or what I did, I wasn’t enough when it came to Joel. That night at the skating rink? It meant a whole lot more to me than it did you and I understand that. I just thought…I thought after everything you’d want to marry me. But you don’t. I think if Joel was still with Tess, you might have said yes, but since Joel is single? It’ll never happen. If Joel is an option, I’ll never have you. And I’ll have to learn to live with that. It just hurts. All I want to do is make you happy because I love you so fucking much. So I’m doing my best to hold down that sadness that I’m feeling. Because I don’t want to hurt you. Does what happened the other night hurt? Yes. Yes it does. But I’ll get over it. Just like I did when I was younger.”

Not sure what to say, she dropped her head down and heard Negan sigh loudly, “I was just too late again. Which seems to be my fate.”

“Negan,” she began, an undeniable lump growing in her throat. There was one thing that ate away at her this whole time. And she really believed it. She didn’t think she was good enough for Negan. She told Joel that she deserved better last night, but the more she thought about it? She really didn’t think she did. “I’m not good enough for you. You are everything women dream of having…”

“Listen, as upset as I am,” Negan placed his hand in over the center of his chest, “it doesn’t mean you are losing me Y/N. You still have me. I’m not going anywhere. I just have to realize that I’m going up against what? Two and a half decades of you being in love with Joel Miller? How does one compare to that?”

“Negan, you’re perfect,” she tried to reason with him, but he stepped forward with a hushing sound. Holding his hand up, he didn’t want her to continue. “I’m just saying…”

“I’m saying you’re wrong. I’m not perfect. I’m nowhere near it. Deep down? Joel Miller is probably a better man than I am. I know that. I fucked up bad for a while,” Negan explained to her, an evident sense of pain in his tone as he spoke. “So maybe he’s the one that deserves your love. And he’s the luckiest man in the world to have you love him as much as he does.”

“I don’t know how to make this better,” she confessed with a saddened exhale, hating that Negan seemed to be as upset as he was. “You have no idea how much I love you.”

“And I’m lucky you do,” Negan breathed out, stepping forward to palm down in over the side of her face. “I think you love me. I just think Joel Miller cemented himself in your heart and I’m not sure he’s ever leaving it.”

A tremoring breath escaped her throat with Negan saying what he did. Offering up a weak smile, he leaned down to give her a faint kiss, “How about we open our Christmas gifts early?”

“Negan,” she thought this was a conversation they really should have continued, but instead she realized that he just wanted to move on. “You don’t want to do that with everyone else here?”

Earlier they had already put all the presents out by the tree when they first had gotten up. Shaking his head, Negan led her toward the Christmas tree where all of the presents circled the bottom of it. Later she knew that Joel would undoubtedly feel bad about things because Negan went a little overboard with pampering Elizabeth and Peter.

Getting her to sit down on the couch, Negan went over toward the back of the Christmas tree where he had a bag leaning up against the wall. Moving in beside her, she noticed that there were multiple presents in there for her, “Negan?”

“Don’t worry, none of them are an engagement ring,” Negan joked, but she didn’t think it was funny considering the topic they were just talking about. Guilt was eating away at her and she knew that he could obviously tell that it was still bothering her. “It was a joke.”

Joke or not, it made her feel bad, “I just felt bad because I only got you one gift.”  

“That’s okay,” he shrugged his shoulders, looking down at the items that were in his hands. “These aren’t that special anyways.”

Over the last few days, Negan had asked her to marry him. He bought a house that he said would be theirs if she wanted it. A house that was their childhood dream house. He got her a contract with a famous baseball team that she turned down and he offered to let her live her dreams that she had growing up. What else could this man possibly give her?

“Here, you can open this one first,” Negan held out the bigger item and she shakily accepted it. Stroking her fingers over it, it wasn’t hard to realize that it was some kind of book underneath the wrapping paper. Starting to open it, she realized that was exactly what it was. A vintage looking photo booklet. Taking the wrapping paper, Negan set it beside them on the floor and turned to her. “With the help of my mother, I made this. It was supposed to go with…” Negan paused wondering if he should say this or not. “It doesn’t matter.”

Opening the front cover, she felt a lump growing in her throat at the young photos of them together. This was meant to be a gift the night he asked her to marry him and she knew that. Flipping through the pages, guilt ate away at her. It had a whole timeline of them together up until Negan was seventeen. And then there was a massive period of time that was missing up until their date at the first party they attended together. Then there were tons of photos of them together from over the last few weeks including the children and Joel. Closing up the booklet, she fought the urge to cry. She didn’t know why, but instead she feigned a smile and leaned across to press a loving kiss in over his cheek.

“And this one is kind of…well, I guess it’s kind of lame,” Negan explained handing it over to her allowing her to open it up. Inside it was a very nice bracelet with a few stones in it. Pointing toward them, Negan cleared his throat and circled it with his finger. “It has your birth stone along with Peter’s and Liz’s. I thought it would be something nice for you to have.”

“That’s actually really nice,” she explained in an uneasy tone realizing this had to have been incredibly expensive. “Are you sure you want me to have this?”

“Of course I do,” Negan assured her, helping her with the bracelet. Putting it on her, Negan hooked it together, fumbling at first but then he gave her a smile. It was then she realized that the bracelet matched the ring that he had when he asked her to marry him. And there was the guilt again. It was a nagging, aching pain in the pit of her stomach. “It looks good on you.”

Setting out two more boxes, Negan put them before her on the coffee table and shrugged his shoulders, “These are kind of pointless. I guess. But I thought you’d like them.”

“How many more gifts do you have?” she wondered, sliding forward on the edge of the couch to reach out for one of them.

“Just these two,” Negan explained with her slowly opening the first one realizing that it was an addition to the Christmas village that she had set up in the nook of her front window. It looked like it was an extensive Christmas castle that had a lot of bells and whistles compared to the ones she usually bought on sale. “I figured since I bought you your first one, I’d add to the village. Give you some more pieces to remind you of me.”

Opening up the next gift, she gazed upon the box to see that it was another piece to add to her Christmas village of characters ice skating that were supposed to move. Everything Negan gave her had some kind of special meaning. He went above and beyond, yet he labeled these gifts as lame or not that special. When, in fact, they were very special.

Setting the boxes on top of the coffee table, she turned on the seat to lean across to hug Negan firmly in her arms. It took a moment for him to wrap her up in his arms to return the gesture. Cuddling her head in next to his, she stroked at the back of his neck and felt her heart pounding inside of her chest. Maybe the feeling right now she was feeling wasn’t guilt, but regret? Or maybe it was a mix of both. Negan was perfect in every way possible. Especially when it came to her. And he was more romantic than Joel was ever capable of being. So thinking back on saying no bothered her. Especially since she had him confirm for her that it broke his heart.

Even though she didn’t want to, she could feel that her eyes were burning. Tears were not something that she should have had right now. Pulling away from Negan, she tried to turn away from him to hide the emotions that were building up, “We’re going to have to add these to the town before tonight. Find a space or move some things around.”

“Hey,” Negan whispered, his finger curling in underneath her chin to get her to look at him. Trying to fight it, she knew that Negan wouldn’t give up on it so she finally looked to him. Sweeping his thumb against her cheek, Negan’s face scrunched up. “What’s wrong?”

“They are just very sweet gifts Negan,” she was honest with him in the sense that she truly believed they were very nice gifts. Turning toward his hand, she placed a faint kiss at his pulse point and lifted her hand to press it in against the back of his. “Now I kind of feel silly about the gift that I got you.”

Trying to avoid the inevitable deeper conversation that would lead to her undoubtedly crying, she got up from the couch and moved over toward the Christmas tree. Pulling out the gift she had gotten for him, she headed back to the couch. It was heavy and she knew that she had to be careful with it. Negan’s eyebrows bounced up with surprise seeing how heavy it was.

“Careful,” she warned, handing it off to him before taking a seat beside him. Setting it on the coffee table, he listened to her directions even in the way that he was unwrapping her gift. Once he finally got it unwrapped, she felt nervous with the way he was eyeing over the gift. It was a shadow box that she had gotten personally made for him. “It’s dedicated to your favorite football team, but I’m sure…obviously you can see that. It lights up when you plug it in. It’s supposed to be a miniature of the original stadium that you went to as a kid. This part is an autograph from your favorite player when we were kids and I guess this was a piece of his jersey.”

Instead of saying anything, he continued to eye over the piece and it made her feel self-conscious about the whole thing, “Now thinking about it, this was probably a really stupid gift to give you. You’re rich so you probably already have his autograph and this is probably a very stupid gift because it’s cheap. Well, it wasn’t cheap for me. But for you I imagine…”

“Hey!” Negan stopped her from continuing on, lowering the shadow box and giving her a big smile. “I love it, so please stop attacking the fuck outta my Christmas gift. Okay?”

“I just…” she noticed the expression he gave her and she huffed. After everything he had done for her, this all felt very poor in terms of a gift to give him. “Okay.”

“This is really cool,” Negan assured her looking it over again. “And it’s very personal as it’s my favorite, and, you remembering my favorite player from when we were kids? I think that’s awesome. It’s better than my gifts.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. Your gifts always have so much thought in them,” she acknowledged feeling ridiculous that he had done so much for her and this is what she had pulled together for him. “I’m sorry it’s not better.”

“Knock it off,” Negan laughed, setting his gift carefully down on the coffee table before him. Turning to her, he reached for her hands and gave them a small squeeze. “You know how much I love my football. I think the gift is really fucking cool.”

Keeping one of her hands in his, Negan lifted the other and swept his thumb in over the curve of her jawline, “I love you and I’m just happy I get to spend today with you.”

“How are you not mad at me?” she finally let her emotions get the best of her, her eyes lifting to meet his. That whole not crying thing? Yeah, that was getting the better of her with everything going on. “What I did…”

“Please, don’t…” Negan hushed her, sliding forward to pepper kisses over her face when he realized that she was crying. They were soft and tender attempting to calm her. “I don’t want you to feel like this because of me.”

“I just feel guilty,” she declared, hating that she knew how much she genuinely loved Negan and how good he made her feel. “I want everything you offered, I do, but then I know I have all my responsibilities here and…”

“Joel,” Negan finished for her getting a groan from her and he could tell that the idea of Joel upset her. “I understand. We need to make things work for you in a way that makes you comfortable. And I’ve been thinking about everything. I still want you to travel with me during the last season. Even with the offer from the team, I think we could make every two weeks work? I have a friend that might be able to work with me the other two weeks. That way you can be with your family every two weeks like you were originally before I got here.”

“I don’t know,” she felt somewhat on the spot again realizing that he was attempting to make things work for her with the offer to have her work with him. “It’s something to think about. But I’m not sure it’s something I can just say yes or no to immediately.”

“I…I understand that. And?” Negan paused to consider what he was going to say next. “I still want to marry you. I still want us to live together, but I want you to want those things. And if you don’t, then I can accept that and the only thing I want…the only thing I need, is you in my life somehow. Because I love you and I love your family. I want to be around you, but I don’t want you sad. I want you happy.”

“I’m a mess,” she admitted with a frown realizing that even though she tried to settle things last night, they weren’t doing a great job with that. Either of them. Sliding in beside her, he managed to get her to tip her head back to press his lips in over hers. The faint caress was passionate and lingering managing to take her breath away like he always did. “I want you happy Negan and I feel like I won’t be able to make you happy.”

“Honey, just having you in my life again fucking makes me happy,” Negan promised her with a slight grin, nodding his head about. While there was some truth to that, she knew there was more there with him and it was hard. “I just love you and I want you content.”

There was so much she should have said, but instead she leaned forward to rest her head against his. Instinctively, Negan wrapped her up in his arms and held her close. A hug from Negan was what she really needed most right now. He always knew exactly what to do when she needed it and she loved that about him.

Even though he was saying this, she knew that he was avoiding the part where she inevitably broke his heart. The glow that Negan naturally had was gone. His smile was there, but she hurt him. Picking worrying about her over himself felt wrong.

All she had to do was get through today and then she could make her decision. Whatever that decision was supposed to be. Because right now, she had no idea.

They cooked for a while longer before she had Negan start to get ready. All day they were in their sweats together, just relaxing. It wouldn’t be too long before everyone started showing up and she would have to pretend that everything was okay.

Allowing Negan to take a shower first, she suggested that she had other things that she had to take care of before she got ready. Instead she sat on the bed flipping through the photo book that Negan had made for her of them together.

It was hard loving two men. There was no doubting that she loved both Negan and Joel. Joel was a significant part of her life and so was Negan. They both stood for a completely different time in her life. And they were so different, yet she loved them both.

Hearing the sound of the shower behind the open bathroom door, she set aside the photo booklet and pulled her clothes off. Moving into the bathroom, she reached for the shower door and pulled it open. Looking back over his shoulder at her, Negan gave her a charming smile and turned to face her as she joined him.

“I thought you had something to do?” Negan reminded her, reaching out to caress in over her sides when she stepped in under the water with him. By the way she was looking at him, he knew that her mind was still busy with overthinking things. Frowning, he pressed in closer to her and lowered down to deposit a faint kiss against her lips. “Y’know, you don’t have to marry me if you don’t want to. I didn’t think it would make you this upset.”

“No, that’s not completely it Negan,” she hushed him, caressing in over the side of his face. Closing his eyes, Negan leaned into her touch and the expression over his face made her heart race. “It’s hard to explain.”

“Make me understand,” Negan pled, hooking his fingers with hers and turning into her touch to place a kiss over the center of her palm.

“I’m not sure I even understand it,” she reasoned with him, shaking her head at the thoughts swirling around in her mind. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been as happy as I’ve been when I’m with you. I’ve been miserable until you showed back up into my life. Elizabeth and Peter were my only joys in life. When you came around? I started enjoying life again. I just panicked when you asked me to marry you and I responded so poorly. Both the guilt and the regret are flooding through me.”

“Regret about starting a relationship with me?” Negan wondered and she immediately shook her head.

“That I didn’t say yes,” she stated having a hard time looking at Negan. It didn’t last long because Negan was caressing over the side of her face leading her to look up at him. “You’re everything I want.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Negan questioned with a frown having her lean in to rest her head against the center of his chest. Stroking his fingers over her shoulders, Negan allowed her the moment to calm herself.

“Everything else. For so long I’ve put everyone else above my needs. Being with you? I’d finally get everything I dreamt of growing up. You can give me that life,” she thought aloud, tipping her head back slightly to look up at him with worry in her eyes. “But I haven’t been that person for almost twenty years Negan. I never deserved that life and what I’m meant to do is help those that are here.”

“Don’t you think it’s time that you even it out? Be there for those you love, but also allow yourself things that can make you happy?” Negan reasoned with her, knowing that she was being too hard on herself. “I don’t think it’s bad to want good things for yourself.”

Taking a moment to consider things, Negan sighed loudly and bit down on his bottom lip, “I know that he might think it’s weird, but this poly relationship thing? Joel might have a hard time with us being married at first, but I think if we work on it, this whole thing will be fine. Obviously, the three of us can’t all be married, but we can get him a ring, like a promise for the three of us. I don’t care what other people think about it and neither should you or Joel.”

“Have you seen the way people already talk about me on the internet?” she blurt out followed by Negan’s nose wrinkling and he snorted. These were all things that sounded nice, but she did know that Joel was right in the past. A lot of people would judge them for their decisions. “It’s not funny.”

“Have you seen the way the people on the internet talk about me?” Negan shot back, his eyebrows arching up when he shook his head firmly. “The internet is a cesspool of nasty people who thrive on negativity. They are so miserable in their own lives that they want to attack others to lift themselves up. I wouldn’t let anything on the internet bother you.”

“People think I’m using you and in a sense I feel like I am,” she claimed getting an eye roll from Negan. But these were things she let weigh heavy on her after she started thinking about them. “You’ve done so much for me Negan and what have I done for you?”

“If you think you have done nothing for me, you’re insane,” Negan retorted, cupping her face in his hands again. “Look at me,” Negan persuaded her to keep her eyes locked on his. There was a sadness in her features that made a sharp breath fall from his throat. “You mean everything to me. I went from being a man without reason and now, I realize why I’m still here. Why I couldn’t go through with ending things. I felt empty before we found each other again and now I don’t feel so broken.”

“But I broke your heart by not saying yes and I know that’s true,” she pushed the subject having Negan exhale loudly. “Don’t lie. You never lied before so don’t lie now.”

“Of course I’m disappointed. I love you, but in loving you I have to allow you to decide what is good and not good for you,” Negan reasoned out loud and she felt like this was something that he probably said to himself that night. “I love you and in loving you I want what’s best for you. You can’t make me happy by saying yes if it’s going to make you miserable. I don’t want that. I want you happy.”

“That’s the thing Negan, you make me happy,” she reasoned with him, caressing up over his chest and over the side of his neck. “I don’t doubt that with you I’m happy, it’s just I worry about the children and Joel has just been acting so…different.”

“Meaning?” Negan’s eyebrow arched in curiosity with her letting out a long exhale.

“Meaning he swears he doesn’t mind the three of us being together, but he wants me to be married to him and not you. You both don’t mind this poly relationship, but you both want to be married to me,” she informed Negan who scoffed, looking down while shaking his head. “You’re not happy with that?”

“I’m not surprised by that,” Negan replied back with a snort and she let out a tense breath. One thing she wanted to be was honest with Negan. Since that’s what he was with her. “I know you love him too, so it makes things hard.”

“I can see that you’re upset,” she frowned and it had Negan tipping his head from side to side. “That’s why I tried to talk about the relationship between the three of us last night. I needed to know that you were all okay with it, but I feel like we’re not.”

“We’re okay with it, but we both want to be married to you while we’re doing it,” Negan repeated what he had learned, his chest aching at the idea of it. “Listen? I meant what I said. I’m good with the three of us being together. I want to make him happy just like I want to make you happy. I feel things deeply for Joel. Things that can grow into love. Right now? I love him. But I don’t love him like I love you. I don’t think it should be hard for him to have you married to me while we’re together though.”

“I think it’s going to be hard regardless because one of you is going to feel like you lost out,” she reasoned with a frown. “I don’t think I’m this big prize that both you and Joel seem to think I am. Because I’m not.”

“Then you’re blind to things,” Negan scoffed, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. “Listen, I don’t want to persuade you one way or another. I mean it when I say that I’m okay with this relationship being the three of us. And I will be open about it. And I won’t treat him bad because I want to progress these feelings that I have for Joel, but at the end of the day? I’d like to be married to you. If something happens to me, I want whatever I have to go to you and the kids.”

“Nothing is going to happen to you,” she hushed him, hating that the conversation was going in that direction. The topic was already heavy as it was.

“Regardless, I want you to do what you want to do,” Negan repeated what he had said many times. “If you want to marry me, marry me. If you want to marry him, marry him. You’re not losing me either way. As long as you want me? I’m not leaving. And I’m not upset by the idea of the three of us being together. A lot of people snub their nose at poly relationships and if I’m in one, I won’t hide it. I’ll support both you and him equally. I want you to travel and live your life. I want him to start singing and him to live his dreams too.”

“You’re too good to me,” she hinted to Negan with him lowering down to nuzzle his nose in against hers. It had a sharp breath escaping her lips and she closed her eyes. “I love you, so much.”

“I love you too,” Negan whispered, his hands caressing at the sides of her face. “My biggest mistake was not fighting hard enough for you when we were younger. I just let Joel win. And that’s why we are in this position right now. I gave up and I should have never done that.”

“I still blame myself for back then. You were devoted, sweet and everything that I could ever dream for, but my heart was set on Joel,” she realized the mistake that she made when she was a teenager with Joel and Negan. There was something in Negan’s eyes where he looked uncomfortable and she was curious where that was headed. “What? What is it?”

“I just want you to be most comfortable with whatever it is you decide between me and him,” Negan had taken a long time to consider what it was that he wanted to say. “If you think you trust him more than me…”

“It’s not about that, you I trust more than anyone,” she hushed him sliding her hands up over his shoulders. Hooking her arms loosely around them, she tipped up to faintly kiss at his bottom lip. It had his long eyelashes fluttering to a close and she realized that the hot water was starting to just get warm nearing cold. “You make me the happiest other than my children. I just worry that I won’t be the woman that makes you as happy as you make me.”

“That’s fucking silly,” Negan hushed her, pressing another kiss to her lips. “Because you already make me the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.”

“I don’t know why,” she whispered, having him lower down to bring their lips together again in a passionate sweep. Wrapping her up in his arms, Negan held her close and she felt safe. Comfortable. The most relaxed she had all day. “I’ve fucked up so much.”

“How?” Negan was still unaware of why she was being so hard on herself for everything. Parts of it, he understood. But to this extent? Not really.

“I feel like I’m forcing you into things. And him too. You both tell me that you’re comfortable with the three of us together, but both of you want me to marry you…” she rambled out loud and Negan smirked and shook his head.

“I am okay with the three of us together,” Negan declared, sweeping his thumb across her bottom lip. “You’re not forcing anything. And you aren’t with him either. So don’t go thinking that.”

“But with you asking me to marry you,” she began and he hushed her to get her to focus on him and not her fears again.

“I love you,” Negan whispered in her ear, depositing another faint kiss there. “That’s all that matters to me. So please, for your Christmas with your family, allow yourself to have a good day. Stop worrying about me. Stop worrying about Joel and enjoy your day. Things can work themselves out tomorrow. Okay? But today, just relax and let it be Christmas.”

“Yes sir,” she gave him a weak smile, accepting another quick kiss from him. Welcoming another hug, she let this one last longer than it probably should have.

They finished with their shower and then got ready for their Christmas get together. Even though it was a small group of people, they dressed nicely. It was Christmas, sometimes it was okay to make an event out of things.

Negan’s mother was the first person to arrive because she had gifts for the children that Negan helped her carry in to put around the tree. Pretty quickly it was obvious that Negan’s mother was hopping into the role of a grandparent for them because she had gotten them quite a bit as well. They were no question pampered this year with all the people giving them gifts.

Rosita, Siddiq and Coco were the next to arrive. And they were there for a while before Joel showed up with the children along with Tommy and Maria. When they arrived, she was surprised how relaxed everything seemed to be. Joel hugged Negan when he came in and then kissed her on the cheek. There wasn’t as much tension as she had been expecting between them. Tommy explained to them that he was to blame for them being later because they had gone to Maria’s family brunch beforehand.

Everyone mingled for a little while before they decided to go straight to opening Christmas gifts. Dinner was still cooking in the oven and she was pretty sure that the children were excited to see everything under the Christmas tree. Even though they were teenagers, they still had their youth to them when it came to gifts.

This is where she got to take the time to take photos of everyone like Negan had told her she should do. What was nice was how well Negan and Joel were interacting. Both of them were sitting on the floor with Peter and Elizabeth by the tree helping them pass out the gifts that were there. Surprisingly, if Joel was jealous about the gifts that the children got, he didn’t make a big deal about it. Instead he would show the same excited energy they would when showing him things. And it was a nice thing to see.

After all the presents were opened, Peter and Negan were sitting in front of the television playing one of the games that Negan had gotten for him. Elizabeth was sitting and talking with everyone else. But Joel? He was alone standing over by the fireplace gazing upon the photos that were over the mantle.

“Hey,” she whispered, moving in beside him having Joel gaze over his shoulder to give her a weak smile. Curling her fingers around his wrist, she urged him to turn toward her until her fingers hooked with his. “Your gift is somewhere else. Follow me.”

Leading Joel up the stairs toward the attic, this was when she took notice of the fact that Joel was more casually dressed than everyone else tonight. He was in a pair of work boots, jeans and a plaid button down with a white t-shirt underneath. It was a typical Joel Miller look. Truthfully, it’s what she expected from him.

“Is your gift a quickie or…?” Joel teased with a tip of his head, a tiny snort escaping his throat when they reached the ladder of the attic. A firm shove to his shoulder made him snicker, but he bowed before her. “Ladies first.”

“Don’t stare up my dress,” she ordered causing him to eye over her body.

“I wasn’t going to do that, but then you mentioned it and now I’m going to,” Joel announced with her glaring down at him after she already started to climb up the ladder. “Don’t give me that look. I like what’s underneath that dress, so it would be hard for me not to look.”

“I don’t know what I expected,” she continued up the ladder, being careful in pulling herself up. Waiting for Joel at the top, she felt nervous in the moment. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea for her to have pulled Joel away from the rest of the group. Once Joel got up into the attic, he motioned her to wait and turned on the string lights that he had hung for her giving it more of a Christmas feel. There was a silence that fell over them when he stepped before her rubbing his hands together. When she said nothing, his eyebrows bounced up in amusement. “Oh! Right. Your gift.”

Throwing her finger up, she headed over toward his gift to grab it, “I put it up here so it didn’t get damaged. I wanted to keep it safe and people were less likely to fuck with it up here.”

“Damn, so it really was a gift. I was hoping it would be a blowjob or a quickie of some kind for real,” Joel snickered when she returned, giving him another frustrated glance. “Hey! You can’t blame a guy for trying. I worked really hard to make you that nook and we’ve yet to have sex there. I think I deserve a good romp under the stars for doing all of that.”

“Are you Joel or Negan right now?” she couldn’t help but laugh at what he was saying having Joel dramatically shrug. They both laughed as he accepted the gift that she was holding out toward him. Starting to open it, Joel swallowed down hard when he saw the oversized canvas of him with a young Elizabeth and a freshly newborn Peter in the hospital. “I knew that was one of your favorite photos when we were together. I got that done since you have that free space over the fireplace that you kept complaining about every time I’d come over in the past.”

“Tommy actually got me a painting of a ranch that has horses on it. He gave me it for my birthday and we stuck it up there,” Joel explained to her and it immediately had the color draining from her face. Stammering, Joel held his hand up and shook his head. Well shit, there he went again making her feel like her gift wasn’t any good. “This is perfect though. I’m going to make sure to move that and put this up there instead. I’ll put the other painting in my room.”

“You don’t have to do that,” she frowned, standing before Joel with an uneasiness in her body. “I just knew you always liked that photo and I guess I should have gotten a more recent photo of all of you, but it was one of the last times I knew you were genuinely happy and…”

“I love it,” Joel assured her, clinging tightly to the gift giving her a firm nod. “It’s perfect.”

There was the silence again. Awkwardly, Joel pulled his stare from her and lowered it down to gaze over the canvas that she had done, “Why did you pick something that didn’t have you in it?”

“For obvious reasons,” she whispered, surprised that was his first question. “I had it done before everything happened. I didn’t even know you had broken up with Tess by the time I ordered it. So, I was just trying to think of something I thought you would like.”

“You went out and had this done for me when you thought I was still with Tess?” Joel repeated noticing that she gave him a weird expression.

“I’ve always given you gifts for Christmas Joel. Even when we weren’t together,” she noted, folding her arms in front of her chest. Had he really forgotten all the things she had done for him even when they were divorced? She never forgot his birthday or Christmas.

“Did you give him the gift?” Peter’s voice called out from the ladder making the both of them jump. Somehow Peter had managed to be incredibly quiet making his way up there. When he saw his father holding onto the canvas, Peter gave a big cheesy smile. “I told mom you’d like it!”

“Yeah, I love it,” Joel lifted it to show Peter the photo. “This was the last time you weren’t such a pain in the butt.”

“Haha, so funny,” Peter moved in beside Joel having his father wrap his arm around his shoulders. Patting his father on the abdomen had Joel grunting and Peter nodded toward Y/N. “So, what’d you get mom? Or did you not give it to her yet?”

“I…uh…” Joel’s face went red, his brown eyes looking her over. Releasing Peter, Joel set the canvas down letting it rest against the wall. Shoving his hands into his pockets, Joel looked around the finished attic. “This was supposed to be her Christmas gift buddy. I spent a pretty penny on it.”

“Oh,” Peter muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets and giving a simple shrug. What was interesting was how much what he did just mirrored his father. “That’s cool I guess. A little lame considering it’s Christmas. People want things that they can open.”

“Hey,” Y/N hushed Peter, shaking her head not wanting Joel to feel bad about the whole thing. 

Silence followed before Peter pointed down toward the ladder again, “We should go have dinner! My stomach is rumbling. It smells like the turkey is about to be done.”

“I’ll come check it in a minute,” Y/N assured her son who gave another nod. Realizing that Peter came up here to remind her of the rather large dinner that he was desperate to get his hands on. Y/N looked to Joel who was still eyeballing the gift she gave him. “Sorry it’s not something better.”

“No, I like it,” Joel held his hand up to suggest that it was fine, but she still felt a little silly. Pushing his hands into his pockets, Joel rocked back and forth on his feet. Both Negan and Joel’s gifts felt good at the time she was getting them, but now she felt very self-conscious about the both of them. “I should have gotten you a Christmas gift.”

“Like you said, this was more than enough,” she circled her finger in the air toward the area that surrounded them. Then it made her think about something. Negan wanted to buy that house that was their dreamhouse when they were children if they stayed in this town. Joel had just spent so much time fixing up the attic that she had asked him for. The one thing she wanted so badly when they lived here for quite some years. Joel would be furious with her if she told him that. “Thanks Joel.”

“You fell for that?” Joel scoffed with her heading back toward the ladder to leave the attic. “After everything? You think I didn’t learn anything?”

“Come again?” she didn’t know where Joel was headed with things as he motioned her to move away from the opening in the floor.

“I obviously have a gift for you,” Joel replied, biting down on his bottom lip. Reaching for something from his pocket, Joel pulled out a small box that was there. Suddenly she felt panicked seeing it. “I fucked up in the past when I didn’t get you a gift for our anniversary other than those flowers. You wanted me to show that I’ve learned and that I’m growing as a person,” Joel rambled urging her to turn around for him. “Close your eyes.”

“Joel?” she hoped to God that it wasn’t a ring considering everything that had been going on. Huffing, he spun his finger in a circle asking her to turn around. So she did what he asked of her. Turned away and closed her eyes. Hearing him fumbling, she was thankful when she felt something cool resting at the center of her chest. After Joel was done, he placed a delicate kiss over the side of her neck.

“Now you can look,” Joel instructed and when he heard the sound she made, he realized that she must have seen it.

“You found it?” she turned on her heel to look back at Joel who gave her a weak smile but shook his head. Between her fingers she was holding onto the gift he had given her. “How then? It looks exactly like the old one.”

“Just with newer materials,” Joel reasoned with her while she gazed upon the locket that he had personally made for her. “I found a photo of you wearing it. So I did what I could to make you a new one. I put the same photos in it…”

The locket was heart shaped with a compass engraved on the front. There were a few jewels of some kind that were red in the design. Opening the locket, she gazed upon the photo on the left side that was of her with Joel and Elizabeth. On the right was a photo of all of them with Peter. Smirking, she stroked her thumb in over the locket and felt tears burning at her eyes.

For the longest time, the original just had the one photo with Elizabeth, but when they had Peter, she had gotten another photo added to it. The original had been one of her favorite gifts, but she had unfortunately lost it at a school function that they had on the beach with Elizabeth when she was younger. It wasn’t until she had gotten home that she realized that she had lost it. At the time she assumed the clasp must have broken. She was so heartbroken that when Joel came home that night, he immediately went to the beach and crawled around in the sand looking for it. But he never found it. No matter how long they looked for it. And that was something that had devastated her because it was a gift that had been given to her when they really didn’t have much money as a family.

“It looks like the original,” she pointed out, her eyes tearing over. Lifting her head up, she knew that Joel was proud of his gift. Lowering the locket back down, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Joel’s shoulders. “Thank you. This was very sweet.”

“Of course,” Joel pressed a faint kiss over her cheek. When she pulled away it looked like he wanted to say something else, but instead he led her over toward the ladder. Made sure that he got down first before helping her get down safely.

Peter was right, dinner was ready and Negan had already started preparing everything for her with her gone. So she helped him finish, putting out the food allowing people to plate what they wanted before heading into the dining room.

Y/N was seated at the end of the table. On her right was Negan and on her left was Elizabeth. Joel was between both Elizabeth and Peter. Tommy was on the other end with both Maria and Siddiq deep in conversation. People seemed to really enjoy talking and there were a lot of compliments about her food she made with Negan. Everyone was pretty loud while they talked which meant they were enjoying themselves.

“So where’s your ring?” Elizabeth blurt out when there was a moment of silence, getting her mother’s attention. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Negan had gone pale with him shaking his head. It was in that moment she realized that she hadn’t told her daughter that she didn’t accept Negan’s proposal. Part of her thought Joel would have told her when he got home today, but he obviously hadn’t. Everyone’s attention was now on them with her feeling suddenly on the spot. “You should tell us about everything. All the details. What it was like.”

“What ring?” Peter blurt out with a mouthful of food, his dark eyes looking between his mother and Negan. Neither one of them spoke since they both equally had no idea what to say. “What’s she talking about?”

“Negan asked mom to marry him,” Elizabeth explained before they could say anything. A loud choking sound fell from Negan with him patting at his chest. Rosita let out a sound of awe visibly thinking that they were officially engaged. Tommy started talking about it to Maria who was eager to congratulate them. “It was really cute. He had me help him set up this video of all these small clips of him and mom from when they were younger. We got all of these rose pedals and set it up so that when he asked her to marry him they would fall down from the ceiling. It was at a skating rink where I guess they had their first kiss as children.”

“Goddamn girl, you need to show us your ring,” Rosita expressed her wow over hearing what Elizabeth had just told them. Looking to Siddiq, she swatted at his shoulder and huffed. “You could have been way more romantic when you asked me.”

“Congrats you two,” Tommy’s southern drawl came out from across the table. It had Joel looking down at his plate poking at his food. There was an irritation growing in Joel and she could tell that he didn’t like everyone being so happy at the idea of her with Negan. “Are you two getting married on New Years like Negan wanted to do?”

“You knew Negan was going to ask her to marry him?” Joel snapped, his head lifting immediately to stare at his brother. Dropping his fork that was in his hand made a loud clinking sound fill the room with everyone at the table going silent.

“Yeah, he talked to me about it in New York,” Tommy explained, swallowing down hard with the way that Joel was glaring at him. It was like he had deceived Joel in some fashion by not telling him about it.

“You wanted to get married on New Years?” Y/N whispered to Negan, surprised that it was his idea to get married so quickly. Instead of responding to her, Negan just looked down toward his lap and swallowed down hard.

“You two are getting married?” Peter blurt out with an amused rumble of a sound. Truthfully? Peter didn’t seem to upset at the idea of it. “So that means that my stepdad is going to be a professional baseball player?”

“Is that all that you care about?” Joel snapped at Peter which had everyone tense. The outrage confused Peter who slowly chewed what was in his mouth. “What happened to wanting your parents to get back together? I thought you would be upset at the idea.”

“Well, yeah, but after four years I didn’t think that would ever happen. I just…Negan is really cool,” Peter tried to explain to his father, shifting uncomfortably in his seat once he realized that Joel was upset about everything. “Having Negan around lately has been really fun. I just thought it would be cool to say my mom was married to Negan Smith.”

“Who is only going to be a baseball player for another year,” Joel reminded Peter and it made Negan laugh at the end of the table. There was a fire flooding through Joel’s veins when he looked to Negan who had his head lowered and he was pinching at the bridge of his nose. “Is something funny?”

“No, nothing is funny,” Negan stammered, not even bothering to lift his head to look at Joel. “I just feel like whenever we make progress, something happens that knocks it back down. It’s like you can’t help but throw in a diss every chance you get. It doesn’t matter how nice I am to you. What I do for you. Or how you feel about me, you just always have to make a smart remark about how I’m not as good or as perfect as people think I am.”

“I’m only speaking the truth,” Joel countered, throwing his hands up in the air and he could tell that he made everyone uncomfortable with his outburst. “You are only going to be a professional ball player for another year. It’s only a year’s worth of bragging. Because let’s be honest, once you retire, no one is going to give a fuck.”

“Joel,” Tommy spoke up, his expression showing that he was embarrassed at his older brother’s response to things. “Maybe now isn’t the time to act like this.”

“I’m not taking away from their special moment,” Joel claimed, placing his hand in over the center of his chest and pointing the other one toward Y/N and Negan. “She didn’t even say yes to him anyways. They aren’t engaged.”

“Negan?” his mother looked to him and it was clear that Negan hadn’t even told his own mother that she didn’t say yes.

“You didn’t?” Elizabeth was shocked to hear that very thing because she was almost certain that her mother would have told Negan yes. At this point, Y/N looked completely overwhelmed and she wasn’t looking at anyone. “Why?”

“Because she doesn’t want to be with him,” Joel snorted as if it was an obvious answer. It had Negan pushing his chair back and getting up from the table. Tossing his napkin down on the table, Negan walked out of the dining room and left an uncomfortable silence amongst them all. “What?”

“Nice,” Y/N breathed out, getting up from the table to follow Negan which left Joel alone with everyone that was there.

“Was that necessary?” Tommy grunted under his breath realizing that Joel seemed to be entirely focused on Y/N leaving the dining room. “You should be happy for them. If it gives her the chance at happiness…”

“You know, I think I saw some great looking desserts in the kitchen,” Maria announced getting up from the table and moving over toward Peter and Elizabeth to place her hand in over their shoulders. “How about the two of you take me in the kitchen and we could look at what we might want. What do you say?”

----

“Negan,” Y/N called out moving into the backyard to see that he was standing at the corner of her deck. It was snowing and the Christmas lights that she had hanging out there were the only things that were illuminating over him. Moving in beside him, she pressed her hand in over his shoulder to give it a firm squeeze. “You have to ignore him, he has no idea how to keep his mouth shut sometimes.”

“That’s me, not Joel,” Negan corrected her giving a firm shake of his head, letting out a tense breath. “I’m the one that can’t keep my mouth shut. Joel was the quiet brooding one. Yet, when he gets the chance to attack me, he can’t help but do it. What did the two of you talk about when I was sleeping last night?”

“What does…” she paused to consider what he was asking her. “I don’t understand why you are asking me that. I told you that he mentioned that I should be married to him and not you. Elizabeth had told him about the proposal. He came over while you were sleeping. Elizabeth was worried that she hadn’t heard back from me…”

“And you told him that you didn’t want to be with me?” Negan was attempting to put two and two together. 

“No, that’s not what I told him,” she denied that thought immediately, throwing her hands up in the air hoping to get him to realize that she meant what she said. “We bickered. I told you, I’m just confused about all of this Negan. We all had that conversation last night because I thought we should take time focusing on the three of us first. Then working everything else out.”

“I honestly don’t understand why you’re so fucking upset,” Joel interrupted the two of them moving in behind them. It had them looking back at Joel who had his hands shoved into his pockets. “The whole idea of the conversation last night was to talk about the three of us being together. Yet you’re still so fucking focused on her being married to you. So what if she doesn’t want to be married to you? She doesn’t want to be married to me either.”

“I’m not doing this,” Negan forced himself to look away from Joel shaking his head and bracing his hands at the side of the deck. “I’m not fighting with you again. There is no sense to it.”

“Well, now that we’re talking about the whole marriage thing, I’m a little fucking surprised you never told me when the two of us were hooking up that you were going to ask my ex-wife to marry you,” Joel snapped, his jaw flexing in frustration. “That was something that you should have brought up to me.”

“It was none of your business,” Negan muttered under his breath, the vein at the side of his neck bulging.

“Joel, now is not the time,” she begged of Joel, holding her hands up in the air to try to keep him from talking any further about things.

“No, I think this is something that does need to be talked about because it was just something that was pushed under the rug,” Joel stepped forward, shrugging his shoulders as he spoke. “We talked about this trio relationship between us, but I’m not asked if I’m okay with him proposing to you? If we’re supposed to be equals in this relationship, don’t you think I have a fucking say? Shouldn’t I have been asked in the first place.”

“Alright, if you want to go there,” Negan turned, bracing his back when he turned to face Joel and Y/N. “Why do you talk about me like I’m a piece of shit? You can’t help but diss me every chance you can. Even in front of the children. Was what you just said necessary? Downplaying my importance to the game.”

“I’m just letting my kid know that if the only reason he wants you to be his stepfather is because you’re a fucking baseball player that he’s going to be highly disappointed because it won’t last long,” Joel defended himself knowing that it was the jealousy of his son being excited at the idea of Negan being married to Y/N that provoked him to say that. “You’re nothing after that.” 

“Oh, fuck you,” Negan snarled knowing that Joel was still attempting to make him feel bad. “You really have a dick up your ass, y’know that?”

An uncomfortable breath fell from Joel’s throat and it made Negan laugh, “Never mind. You’re actually easier to be around when you do have a dick up your ass.”

“Don’t say shit like that around my family,” Joel warned Negan, pulling his right hand out from his pocket to point directly at Negan.

“Yeah, because big bad Joel couldn’t handle his family knowing that he likes both men and women, right?” Negan snapped at Joel, his eyes rolling dramatically and his head bobbing about almost in a mocking way. “Y’know, I think if you actually took time to start accepting yourself for who you are, you might not be such an asshole and you might start to actually like yourself.”

“Joel, go back inside,” Y/N begged of Joel, frustrated that he even followed her out here in the first place. “Please.”

“No, you know what,” Joel urged Y/N to step aside when he moved before Negan. “Yeah, you’re right. I should be able to open myself up to the idea of my children knowing who I am. But I have a question for you. Since we’re going back and forth. Did you ever think that maybe you were overstepping when you asked my wife to marry you? We both know that she didn’t say yes to you because she still loves me.”

“Ex-wife. And everyone knows that she loves you, but it doesn’t mean she wants to be with you Joel,” Negan stammered, his voice showing hurt. “She doesn’t know what she wants because you keep fucking with her head.”

“Or maybe she just actually loves me and you’re the one fucking with her head,” Joel retorted, the top of his nose wrinkling when he stepped in closer to Negan. “Everything was fucking fine until you came back Negan.”

“Was it? Because she was fucking miserable,” Negan snarled at Joel, the lines in his forehead growing with how angry Joel was making him. “Everyone fucking tells me how fucking sad she was before she started spending time with me again. You made her fucking miserable and she was sad. It took her finding me again to have some sense of happiness. It took me to give you happiness too Joel. If it wasn’t for me, she would still be furious with you about what she found on your fucking laptop. I’m the one that keeps telling her to give you a second chance because I understand that sometimes we make mistakes in our fucking life. I make the both of you happy. Without me…”

“Oh yeah? You make her happy?” Joel commented with a deep rumble of a southern drawl. Negan nodded and Y/N found herself wishing that this never was happening in the first place. “Then why the hell didn’t she tell you yes? If she loved you and she genuinely loved you, she would have told you yes when it came to marrying you. And you fucking know it.”

“Because of you and the children,” she screamed out getting both Negan and Joel to look back at her surprised that she finally erupted. “Goddamn it, stop poking at him and trying to hurt him all the time Joel. I love both of you. Negan understands that, why can’t you?”

“What do you mean me and the children?” Joel grumbled, giving his attention to her now. “It means that you love us and you want to be with us, right?”

“It means that right before Negan asked me to marry him, he offered me everything I’ve ever wanted. The life I always dreamt of when I was younger. They asked Negan to be the coach of the team after he retires. And with that deal? He managed to get me a deal with the team where I could be a journalist, take photos and travel the world with him and I’d be making a lot of money doing it too,” she informed Joel with a saddened breath, looking between both men. “And while it sounded nice and every part of me wants to accept it, I know I can’t because I have both Elizabeth and Peter here. They need me. I can’t be on the road all the time with Negan following him down to spring training and around the country for games when they have school. They need a mom. I can’t leave them. So while it would be nice to actually do the things that I always dreamt of, I know that I can’t because I have to put them above me. And then with you…”

She paused, Joel was listening intently with his brown eyes locked on her, “You are always going to be loved by me Joel. Negan isn’t wrong. I love the both of you very much. And I know that you have a lot of weight on your shoulders and sometimes I have to be here to help carry that weight when things go wrong. You count on me just as much as the children do.” 

“That’s why you told Negan no?” Joel stammered, confusion flooding his face.

“I don’t know,” she was honest with Joel, her face hot with embarrassment. “I don’t want to break your heart. And I don’t want to break his heart. But no matter the choice I make, I feel like I’m going to hurt someone and I don’t want to do that.”

“I can’t believe you,” Joel seemed disgusted with Negan when he returned his attention back to him. Stepping forward, he shoved firmly into Negan’s shoulders having him grunt. “You’re all pro this relationship, but you don’t tell me shit? You don’t respect me.”

“You weren’t my top priority at the time. I was working to get you the music deals,” Negan replied back doing his best to keep his hands down at his sides with how angry Joel was getting.

“You only did that because you wanted me to be satisfied with you trying to marry her and take her away from here,” Joel thought aloud causing Negan to smirk and shake his head. “What other reason would you have Negan?”

“Musicians fucking travel Joel. I thought whatever city we were in, we could get you a deal where you sang in that city. We’d bring the children with us,” Negan explained his thought process, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. “You know that you have people interested in working with you now because of everything. I can make your dreams happen, just like I can hers. But you both are so stuck within yourselves that you won’t allow me to give them to you.”

“And what am I supposed to do with my job that I already have?” Joel snapped at Negan who simply shrugged his shoulders. “You have an answer for everything.”

“Let Tommy run it. You’re the owner, but the owner isn’t always around,” Negan reasoned with him evoking a scoff from Joel. “And not to be an asshole Joel, but asking her to marry me, I didn’t need to ask your permission. You already had your chance with her being her husband. You shouldn’t have a problem with her being married to me because you’re not going to be left out.”

“I already had my chance?” Joel repeated what Negan said, his southern drawl sounding incredibly angry. “What makes you think she would be happier being married to you? The man who is actually known to physically cheat on his spouse? You’re not the man she should marry. It should be me because…”

“Yes, please tell me how much better you are for her than I am,” Negan dramatically threw his hands about, mocking Joel by adding a bit of an accent to his voice. “I offer you both the job of your dreams and I’m the fucking villain. Why? Because I asked her to marry me?”

“Please for the love of God stop,” she finally interrupted them, frustrated that they were still fighting over her. “If you two are so fucking desperate to be married, why don’t you two get married? I’ll be the third wheel. And I’ll happily take it. You two get married. I’ll support it!”

“No,” both of them muttered at the same time.

“I don’t know why you can’t just tell him that you want to be married to me while we’re together,” Joel reasoned with her, pointing between all of them. “I’m the love of your life. Not him. You said no to him because of how you feel about me.”

“I said no to him because I was emotional about the idea of the job, Joel. I didn’t think I could handle being away from my family that long. My family needed me. If he would have asked out of order, I don’t know what I would have told him,” she was honest having a hard time looking at Joel when she thought about the whole situation. “You’re all I’ve ever known Joel and it’s scary picturing a life with someone else. Away from everything you know. Everything you’ve grown used to.

“So you’re not saying yes to Negan or taking the job because of us?” Peter called out and it had both her and Joel turning nervously toward the back door shocked to see that both the children were standing there. “Mom, that’s silly.”

“We’re teenagers now. I’m going to be going to college soon,” Elizabeth informed her with a saddened breath, her dark eyes narrowing when she stepped forward. Negan had his head down and his hands were in his pockets with his breathing loud. “I know you, you’re still going to be a good mom wherever you are.”

“I don’t want you not to live your dream because of us,” Peter noted, shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head from side to side. “And I don’t care who you are married to. Whether it’s dad or Negan, I just want you happy.”

“We both want you happy,” Elizabeth repeated her brother’s sentiment, giving her mother a nod of approval and it was one of the first times that these two actually agreed on anything. “I didn’t think I would want you to be with anyone other than dad, but Negan makes you happy. And that’s what matters most to me. So if you make a decision, please don’t do it based off of us. We just want you happy.”

“I love you guys,” Y/N breathed out and it was obvious that she was crying by the way that she sounded. “But it’s a little bit harder than that.”

“Why?” Peter stammered, stepping forward to try to appeal to his mom. “We both know you’re a good mom. And if dad is getting calls about being a singer, why can’t you both be happy? Having us shouldn’t be the thing that holds you back from being happy. We’re both old enough to understand things. And we’d support you.”

“How much did you hear?” Joel breathed out having his chest aching when they looked to him.

“Enough to say that if you did what mom said, we’d support you too,” Elizabeth pointed between both Negan and Joel. “We don’t care who you like dad. We just want you happy too.”

“I’d still brag about you marrying Negan too,” Peter offered up with a simple shrug getting Negan to snicker at the idea of it. “I’d happily tell people my dad was married to Negan Smith. It wouldn’t embarrass me one bit. We love you and mom. And Negan is part of our family now too.”

“You raised us better than to care about those kind of things,” Elizabeth stepped in beside Joel who swallowed down hard with his daughter giving his upper arm a firm squeeze. “At the end of the day, we just want you guys to be happy. Pick what you want to do with your lives because it’s what you want. Not because you’re afraid of us being upset. Because we will be fine. We’ll make things work wherever we are.”

“I’d brag that my mom worked for the baseball team I loved. I’d brag that my dad was a singer. I’d also brag that my parents were both with Negan Smith. I don’t give a fuck,” Peter continued on having Y/N scoff behind him with the language. “Sorry mom. I’m just trying to make a point here. I know that men like men sometimes. I know that men like men and women sometimes. And all that stuff. I wasn’t raised to hate anyone. Nor do I care what anyone else thinks. Yeah, it’s complicated. But what isn’t in life?”

“That’s the most mature I think you’ve ever sounded,” Elizabeth teased her brother, placing her hand in over his shoulder. “We love all three of you. We don’t want you to keep fighting. We don’t. Whatever happens. We love you.”

There seemed to be tears in Joel’s eyes when he gave the children a firm nod, “Thank you two. It means a lot hearing that and one day, I will talk to the both of you, but right now I think the three of us need some privacy to finish things up here. Okay?”

“Just let me leave you with this,” Elizabeth started, waving her hand about in the air between all three of them. “If I was stuck in a position where I had the chance to have everything I ever wanted, you and dad would tell me to do it. Because you want what’s best for me. Well neither of you have your parents here to tell you that it’s okay. So listen to me and Peter then. It’s okay. We’ll be okay. Do what makes you happy. Because we’re along for the ride no matter what.”

There was a broken breath that fell from Joel as Y/N stepped forward to wrap Elizabeth up in her arms to give her a big hug. Pressing a kiss against her temple, Y/N turned to do the same thing with Peter before ushering them back into the house after telling them she loved them.

“See,” Negan spoke up from behind them. “It’s not as hard as either of you think it is. No one is going to care if you’re married to me or if you take those jobs because…”

“Oh would you get off it with the married thing,” Joel erupted on Negan, turning on his heel to point out at him again. “If anyone deserved to be married to her it’s me.”

“You guys are never going to stop, are you?” she breathed out having both Negan and Joel look to her. “No matter what I say? You’re just going to fight over me?”

“Well I think we deserve to know which one you’re going to pick,” Joel pointed between the both of them having Negan swallow down hard. “One of us should be able to be your husband and the other one just needs to fucking deal.”

“I’m not doing this right now,” she frowned visibly upset, turning on her heel to leave.

Outstretching his hand, Joel curled his fingers around her wrist to try to stop her from leaving. That wasn’t exactly the answer that Joel wanted to hear, but she wasn’t going to give him anything more. Tugging her wrist away, she went back into the house and left both of them alone outside.

Everyone pretended like those last few minutes at the table didn’t happen, but there was still a weird tension in the air for everyone. By the end of the night when everyone was leaving and thanking Y/N, Joel knew that he wanted to continue their conversation in some fashion. So Joel asked Tommy and Maria to take the children home. Which left Negan sitting on the left end of the couch and Joel sitting on the right leaving the middle open.

Negan’s head was lowered, his fingers hooked together when Y/N closed the door behind her after the final guest left. Joel was watching her realizing that she let out an overwhelmed sound when she faced them, “Well I’m not going to have a peaceful night, am I?”

“I don’t think you mean what you said earlier,” Joel stressed to her, shaking his head firmly. “If the life you wanted was the life that Negan offered you, you would have said yes. But I think the life you want is the life that you had with me. When we were happy.”

“We all agreed on this relationship between the three of us,” she reminded them stepping before them on the couch, her arms folding in front of her chest.

“I am okay with it being the three of us,” Negan slid back further on the couch, his hazel eyes finally meeting hers with a simple shrug. “I’ve never changed my mind on that.”

“It’s not that I have a problem with that,” Joel declared waving his hand between the three of them.

“Obviously, since you don’t mind having sex with him,” she pointed out toward Negan who was smirking drawing attention to his prominent dimples. Joel’s face flushed over with heat and he forced himself to look away from them. “So why do I have to pick one or the other?”

“We both want to be your primary lover,” Joel commented, pulling himself to the edge of the couch. His brow line was incredibly expressive with the way his chocolate brown eyes were staring up at her. “I want you to be married to me and he wants you to be married to him. And I don’t care who has sex with who. The poly relationship is perfectly fine with me. I just want you to be married to me.”

“You do realize how fucking ridiculous this sounds, right?” Negan scoffed, finally turning his head to look at Joel. “You had four years to get her back, but you want her to marry you now because I want her to marry me.”

“Don’t use that against me,” Joel grunted, his angered stare meeting Negan’s. “You weren’t here those four years, so you don’t know, but the two of us kept having a relationship in certain ways while you weren’t here. We had sex plenty of times while we were separated and divorced.”

“Sex isn’t like being in a relationship. There is sex and there is being together,” Negan countered, his jaw flexing and his eyes narrowing in frustration. “You had your chance Joel and you fucked it up.”

“And you deserve one why? Just because you came in and for a few weeks made her content?” Joel snapped back, his posture growing rigid with the accusation that Negan threw out at him. “Relationships can’t be determined from just a few weeks. We’ve been together almost twenty years. You two have dated a few weeks and suddenly you think she is the love of your life. You’re just looking for a rebound from Lucille.”

“Watch what you say or you’re gonna get knocked on your ass again,” Negan warned with a scowl, having Joel dramatically bob his head about.

“I’d like to see you fucking try,” Joel shot back and it had Y/N groaning out heading over to the coffee table to sit down. Burying her head into her hands had both men’s attention returning to her instead of fighting about things.

“You both like each other so you both need to shut up. For the love of God,” she pled, dragging her hand down over her face. Staring at Joel, she raised her left hand and pointed to Negan. “This man has been nothing but nice when it comes to you telling me over and over again that if I want to be with you he would understand. He’s your biggest defender and you treat him like shit.”

“I…” Joel looked to Negan who grumbled something under his breath and turned to look away from Joel.

“And you! Obviously he likes you because you guys have had sex multiple times now, right?” she confirmed with Negan who nodded once to give her the answer she wanted. “So why does it matter who I’m official with? Because you two like each other too.”

“I know it seems stupid, but being married to you means a lot…” Joel described how he felt about things and he shifted in his position. Right now he felt uncomfortably warm with the attention on him. “And I think instead of dragging us along you should give us an answer so we don’t have to wonder who you want to be with. I mean, there is the whole poly thing, but who do you want to be married to?”

“Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want to be married to anyone?” she brought up a good question that honestly? Neither one of them took into consideration. “Did you think that maybe I just want to enjoy a relationship with both of you because I enjoy it? That I’m comfortable with how things were.”

“Is that true?” Negan was the one to speak up this time and it surprised her because it was an answer that she was originally giving for Joel who was so insistent upon the marriage thing. “So does that mean you aren’t reconsidering the whole marriage thing?”

“I’m considering a lot of things,” she frowned when she realized that they were both deep in this even though Negan was the quieter one. “You both are putting me in a hard position here.”

“Is it really that hard of a position to pick which one of us that you would rather be married to?” Joel stammered, placing his hand in over the center of his chest.

“If you don’t want to be married to me, it’s okay,” Negan suggested trying to find the right words to say to make her feel better about everything.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be married to you,” she stated followed by a long sigh. “I just don’t know. I really don’t.”

“Well, I love you so fucking much and I just want you happy,” Negan reasoned with her, throwing his hands up. Negan’s words were broken and there wasn’t much confidence in them when he said it. “I really do and if I’m making you unhappy…”

“Dear God, stop,” Joel snarled at Negan, “we both know that you care. You care so fucking much about this and you want an answer just as much as I do.”

“This isn’t the kind of thing I can just have an answer for immediately,” she reasoned with both of them looking between Negan’s hazel eyes and Joel’s brown eyes. They were both hopeful and it killed her that it was getting to this. “So if you both expect me to give you some kind of answer right now and there is no other option?”

She paused, her voice breaking when she started talking again, “Then I don’t want either of you. I won’t get married to either one of you. I love you both so fucking much. And if I pick? I’m breaking both of your hearts. Either way, I’m hurting one of you. And I refuse to do that. I won’t do it.”

Both of them seemed upset hearing that and she was definitely getting emotional at this point, “I’m going to need the both of you to leave right now.”

“Leave?” Joel repeated, standing up from the couch and having her move away from him.

“Why do I have to leave?” Negan blurt out, placing his hand in over the center of his chest. “What did I do?”

“You both are putting a lot of stress on me to make really hard decisions and I want you both gone,” she threw her hands up not wanting to put up with this anymore tonight. “I can’t do this. I gave you both my answer. And that’s it.”

“What am I doing? I’ve been supportive about everything,” Negan stammered, standing up from the couch to reach out for her, but she pulled her hands from him. “Y/N?”

“I need time alone right now,” she explained with a frown, not wanting to be near anyone with how everything was turning out. “You want me to make decisions, he wants answers! I need to be alone so I can think about things because this shit is hard enough.”

“What decisions?” Negan asked visibly upset that she was tossing him out of the home too.

“You want me to make up my mind about the job. I know you do. And then there is the marriage proposal and the house…” she listed off the things that he had done over the last few days. “It’s a lot to think about and then he comes in demanding that I pick him or you…even though you both swear that a poly relationship is fine. You both want answers and I need time alone.”

“Everything I’ve done for you is to better your life,” Negan defended himself hearing the sound of Joel moving behind him. “I’m not trying to stress you out or make you uncomfortable. I just want you happy. I love you.”

“I know you love me Negan, but it’s a lot to ask a mom of two to just pick up and run away with you for the whole baseball season when they need me,” she reminded Negan of how she felt about everything. “And while it’s a great opportunity…”

“You heard the children earlier, they just want you happy,” Negan recalled what he had heard both Elizabeth and Peter say. Feeling Joel’s hand placing in over his shoulder to get him to move had Negan grunting. Turning, Negan shoved his hands into the center of Joel’s chest to get him to back up. “Don’t touch me Joel.”

“She wants us to leave,” Joel stressed, but Negan’s face was turning red since Joel was now pushing for them leaving because of ulterior motives. “So what? It’s okay for me to leave, but when she asks you to leave it’s not okay?”

“You’re fucking up everything!” Negan’s voice raised, rage flooding his hazel eyes with Joel trying to shove him toward the door again. “Everything was fine until you got so fucking jealous about everything. You’re okay as long as you’re the center of attention. And you’re driving me fucking nuts. I’ve done nothing but be fucking kind to you because I like you and all you have done is thrown me under the fucking bus at every turn. So now that I’m offering her something amazing in life, she thinks it’s a bad thing because you’re here to constantly put your fucking claws into her. You know that she loves you and rightfully so because you are the father to her children, but you only want her happy as long as it’s with you and I’m the background character in your love story. That’s the only way you want her happy. I actually do want her fucking happy. That is the difference between you and me. You care about Joel Miller, I care about her. Not me. You’re so fucking greedy.”

“Greedy?” Joel repeated what Negan called him, moving forward to shove Negan harder this time. “I’m fucking greedy? I gave up everything for everyone else. So don’t you fucking go around telling me I’m greedy.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Negan grunted through another few of Joel’s shoves. “I’m talking about now, I’m talking about…”

“You got to run away from everything and you think that just coming back here makes it all okay,” Joel reminded Negan of what he had done when they were younger. “If you loved her as much as you fucking swore back then, you would have fought for her. Instead you found Lucille and you ran away because she didn’t mean to you what you thought she did. I’ve been here through everything. The good, the bad…I’m the man that has been a constant in her life…”

“Knock it off before you both start throwing fists again!” she warned them, moving between the two of them to get them separated. “There is so much testosterone between the two of you and it’s going to be another fucking war when you both care about each other. So please! Just stop it!”

“I know you feel like I abandoned you too when I left even though you forced me away,” Negan appealed to Joel with Y/N keeping her hands pressed in over the center of his chest to keep them separated. “You needed your friend when your parents died and I dropped the ball. I should have been here to help you with Tommy just like I did when we were younger, but I was angry. I was so fucking angry Joel, but I am trying to make up for that mistake. Just give me a fucking chance. I love her so fucking much and she makes me happy. For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like I’m alone…”

Sighing loudly, Joel felt a strange array of emotions flooding over him after Negan’s outburst, “I understand that Negan, but I love her too. I just fucked up, but there is no one else for me but her. I’ve realized that.”

“You should have realized that when you were married to her,” Negan frowned, shaking his head at Joel’s response. “A few weeks with her and I see everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. You have twenty years with her…”

“I’m leaving,” Joel announced with Y/N attempting to calm Negan down to get him to stop. Heading for the door, Joel felt an incredibly strong amount of jealousy with the way that Y/N was talking Negan down. Opening the door, Joel moved down the steps toward his car surprised to hear the sound of footsteps behind him. Closing the door behind him, Negan kept his head down and Joel was surprised. “She made you leave?”

“Yeah, you got what you wanted,” Negan stammered moving through the snow toward his car at the other side of the driveway. “She dumped both of us. Good for you Joel.”

“You act like I’m trying to be malicious because I’m in love with her,” Joel called out to Negan before he could get into his car. “Is it so hard to believe that I love her as much as you do? If not more?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty hard for me to believe,” Negan confessed, dropping his arms at his sides in defeat finally looking to Joel. “Because all you did was hurt her. And because of that? She doesn’t even trust me when I want to do things that make her happy and make her dreams come true. You had a midlife crisis and you regret that, I understand, but do you think you deserve her after everything you did?”

“Do you?” Joel stammered stepping to the other side of Negan’s car. “You’re not a good person Negan, what makes you think you won’t do to her what you did to Lucille? Promise her the world, but then go and cheat on her because you can.”

“That’s a fucking low blow Joel,” Negan shook his head, clinging to his keys at his side. “You’re using the lowest part of my life against me and I regret every bit of it.”

“And you’re doing the same to me,” Joel tried to make Negan understand what he was saying was along the same lines of reminding Negan what he had done to Lucille when he was younger. “You hurt Lucille relentlessly. I know because we talked. I know how she felt about you, about things…at least I waited until I was divorced.”

“Are you trying to get me to kill myself or what?” Negan snarled at Joel behind angered eyes. Scoffing, Negan held his hand up before Joel could even respond. “You know what? Fuck this. Merry Christmas Joel. I hope you had a good day and got exactly what you wanted.”

“Now come on Negan…” Joel grumbled under his breath, throwing his hands up in the air in a defensive motion. Instead of listening, Negan got in the car and the engine started up. Pulling out of the driveway, Negan left Joel alone standing in the driveway realizing that he had both Negan and Y/N incredibly upset with him. This was a terrible way to end Christmas.

----

Tags: @chainsawsangel @fancypeacepersona @violent-darkness @negansbestie @elegantfanficluv

@sanctuaryforthelost @dead-of-niight @dilfsandmartinis @jennydehavilland

[freckledjoes]

Can we normalize not apologizing for not being around so much on the interwebs? "Sorry for not drawing/writing/editing so much lately..." Sweetheart, you do all of that FOR FREE. You're not obliged to do them, you should never feel like you have to apologize for taking a little step back from giving everyone free presents. Santa also only comes around once a year, he's got nothing on you. I sincerely hope that the only one that makes you feel like you should apologize is you (and let's fix that real quick - you can do whatever you want whenever you want) anyone else who gives you that feeling should be booted. BUH-BYE!

[statementlou]

why do you think louis said this might be the only time he plays at the hollywood bowl? do you reckon it might be because his tickets sales aren’t going well and he was told that it won’t be possible to book venues like these next tour? that made me kinda sad :((

every day I get asks being like "do you think [random thing that happened in the last 24 hours] is because Louis' ticket sales are so bad?" and it's obviously just annoying harries with nothing better to do than try to make people unhappy (TPWK!!!) and maybe they're just getting cleverer here and have tricked me, but this sounds like it might actually be a person who they are getting to with this garbage and have made unhappy so fine, I'll bite-

Louis' ticket sales are going FINE!!!! He is playing great shows every night and is on target for the tour he has booked and everything he's doing is completely sustainable and if nothing changes (which it will, for the bigger; he has been picking up more fans every year) he can keep touring like this (and playing these venues) indefinitely! The idea that every show that doesn't sell out is a failure is made up and makes no sense- if every show sold out there would be people who wanted to give them money but were unable to do so. That is not how capitalism (and growing your fanbase) work for any working musicians outside the top .00001% biggest in the world! If your venues sell out, then next time you book bigger ones, and you keep doing that until you hit a size where it doesn't sell out so everyone can buy buy buy those tickets. I can't know for sure why Louis said what he said; but he is constantly in disbelief that things are going as well as they are for him and while this album and tour especially he seems to have finally started to believe we really do like what he does and aren't going anywhere, I think that's still there and that's what I heard with that. I mean also it could be next time he plays LA he ends up in an equal size but less iconic venue and booking never lines up with that space again or something, for all I know it's really hard to get on their schedule. Hollywood Bowl is a historic and renowned venue and Louis was excited to play on a stage that has hosted so many famous people and moments and was trying to be in the moment and appreciate it (as he has been focused on making an effort to do lately) because the future is a mystery and anything that is ever happening might never come around again, but I don't think it's cause for concern.

[prick-love-for-arting]

... Mhm

[the-golden-dragoness]

Not crying and being guilt ridden again :))))))

[pellucid-constellations]

I'd Answer

You've been gone. Azriel's been broken. Something has to change, and Azriel would do anything.

Part 2 of If You Cared to Ask

“This is for you,” Mor huffed, plopping down a small bouquet of roses onto the growing garden that seemed to have sprouted on the table. “What is that, number twelve?” 

“I don’t know, I don’t count them,” you brushed off, your gaze falling on the gifts for a fleeting moment.

Mor hummed. “Are they doing anything for you?” 

“Not particularly.” 

Your friend shuffled into the small sitting room and gracefully landed in the chair beside yours, her eyes piercing a hole in the side of your head when you refused to look up. She sighed, and then sighed again, making a show of slotting her chin in her palm and looking forlorn. 

The third sigh was your breaking point. 

You placed your book on the table and turned to Mor with your brows raised. “Yes?” 

“Oh, nothing,” she airily replied. “I was just wondering when you were going to give this up. You don’t have to forgive the guy, but at least put me out of my misery and let me tell him where you’re staying. I’m basically a delivery service at this point. He says sorry again, by the way.” 

“Oh, well in that case—” 

“More than just sorry, but I can’t remember everything he said. It was all rambly and his face was all gaunt.” Mor pressed her fingers up to cover her eyes. “I’m not even sure if he’s eating. Rhys had to stop sending him out because he almost fell out of the sky.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel bad?”

You hoped your ruse was believable because hearing that Azriel was doing so poorly did make you feel bad. Your heart lept up to your throat at the prospect of your mate falling from the sky from exhaustion. But he had had so many opportunities to make this right and you weren’t about to give up your anger so easily. 

Mor offered a sad expression that looked authentic this time. “Y/n, he loves you. He’s an idiot and the whole lot of them are mindless fools, but Azriel has never loved anything the way he loves you.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” you snorted. “And he shows that love by forgetting me and then arguing when I’m clearly upset over it?” 

“I know. He told me how much of an ass he’s been. But, I promise you, I’ve known Azriel for a long time. He was just—just handling everything with Rhys poorly. He felt so so guilty when Rhys got trapped. You know that.” 

You bit the inside of your cheek and avoided Mor’s gaze. “I know.” 

The lack of vitriol in your tone had Mor perking up. “And you remember how hard he tried to get him back—how broken he was when Rhys sent out his last message. Az feels responsible for everything when it comes to his family.”

You didn’t need the reminder. The tortured way he carried himself over the past 50 years was evidence enough of the truth behind Mor’s words. And you had been there to soothe that pain, to help run the court that Rhys left behind. 

When silence persisted, Mor craned her neck to catch your gaze. “I’m not saying what he did was right, but you know he’s been in overdrive since Rhys returned. He goes off on those missions when Rhys calls, but… y/n, he only leaves without notice when his informants…” 

Mor trailed off. 

Your gaze finally flickered up. “When?” 

Mor bit her lip and winced. “He told me not to tell you this part. He said he didn’t want you to think he was making excuses.” 

“Tell me anyways.” 

“Fine. But you can’t rat me out.” Mor sighed and leaned back in the chair, still facing you. “He does go on every mission Rhys proposes, and that’s… stupid, but he tells you about those ones, I think. When he just up and leaves, it’s because—y/n, it’s because they're about you. You know there’s a slew of people that want you dead for your involvement up in Illyria. He has a team of informants with the sole purpose of listening for you name.

“He goes on Rhys’s missions because he doesn’t want his family separated again, but sometimes, it’s because he just wants to protect his mate.” 

A stone dropped past your ribs and into your stomach. “But, he never told me—” 

“You know these overgrown bats think that suffering in silence is an honorable thing to do,” Mor rolled her eyes. “They overwork themselves fighting the good fight or whatever and seem to forget that the rest of the world is still out there, facing the consequences of their actions. And… I think he just wanted you to feel safe. I think he’s been scared.” 

Something sickly climbed its way up your consciousness. You looked down at your hands as they rested in your lap. 

You hadn’t seen Azriel in six days, and each day had more anger coursing through you, building up a wall that you thought impenetrable. Because you were so angry; Azriel had disappointed you time and time again, left you feeling abandoned and alone, and then he got defensive about it as if you were the one at fault. 

Part of you always knew it was a defense of some sort, but you had thought it a defense of something nefarious. You had tossed around the idea of infidelity a few times, and that rivaled the thought of him simply falling out of love with you. 

But it was this. 

It was him hiding how hard he’d been trying to protect you—however idiotic his tactics may have been. 

“You can tell him where I am,” you murmured clenching your fingers into your palm. “And leave the door unlocked, I guess.” 

Mor had left the small apartment on the outskirts of Velaris before you finished your sentence. 

It took approximately 7 minutes for a tentative knock to sound at your door. 

Mor had left it unlocked, but there was still a knock. 

You took a glance at the pile of flowers on the table before heading to the front door. The old floorboards creaked under your feet, a reminder of the rundown apartment you had sought out after you left. It was a frantic process, searching for a place to stay; you hadn’t cared much for luxury or comfort.  

Opening the door was jarring. Azriel’s wings were half-raised as if he’d just flown down and then forgot how to control them. His face was pallid with dark smudges beneath his eyes. His hair was windswept, expected from the flight, but it looked tugged at and disheveled beyond that. 

“Hi.” 

Maybe you’d been looking him over too long because Azriel’s voice cracked at the single word. He sounded unsure, verging on afraid, and all you had done was pass over his figure with your eyes. 

You tightened your grip on the door handle. “Um, hi.” Your tone was harsher than you meant it to be. 

Azriel flinched. “I’m sorry, Mor said…” 

“No, I—Come in.” 

You stepped back and pushed the door open to accommodate his hesitant steps into your rental. Azriel stood in the middle of the space and wrung his hands as you shuffled behind him, a slight tremor showing in his fingers. You leaned back against the door with your own hands pressed at the small of your back. You watched Azriel’s lingering gaze trail over the flowers in the corner of the room. 

“You didn’t like them?” he meekly asked. 

Something inside of you hurt. 

“They were okay,” you answered. “But I didn’t want flowers.” 

Azriel nodded and his lashes fluttered shut. His hands twitched. 

“I’m sorry—for the flowers, I mean. They were a pathetic reason to send Mor to you. You wanted to be left alone.” 

“I did not want to be left alone, Azriel.” You kicked away from the door, bringing your arms across your chest for some form of protection. “I wanted you. I wanted you to care about me.”

“I do,” Azriel stressed. He took a step forward and the wood beneath his boot creaked. “I do, y/n.  I care about you more than anything—I love you.” 

“Then why couldn’t you show me? Why did it take me leaving, me getting hurt, for you to finally listen to me and see how much I’ve needed you?” 

Your chest was heaving, each word from your lips a choked gasp. Azriel took all of it and absorbed your full meaning, seeming to wince at every insinuation that he didn’t love you. His jaw quivered and he opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. 

“Why did you stop talking to me?” you asked, a broken rendition of your anger. “Why—Mor told me… She told me things. Things that make sense. But why does it feel like I don’t matter to you?” 

“My love,” Azriel stressed. Yearned. He rushed forward, abandoning all reservations and gathering you into his arms as tears began making headway down your cheeks. “I’m so sorry, baby. I can’t—I’m so so sorry.” His words were almost lost against your temple as he held you, each apology a whisper of a kiss against your skin. 

“You weren’t there and Devlon—he—” 

“I know, angel, I know and I’m so sorry. Had I known… Had I listened.” He pulled you back from his chest, crouching down to meet your eye and wiping tears from your cheeks. “All I’ve ever wanted to do was keep you safe. I thought I was doing that. I don’t know what Mor told you—” 

“She told me everything. She told me you’ve been following leads about me and taking on too much. She told me you’re scared.” 

Azriel breathed and it sounded anguished. “I am terrified. We lost Rhysand and now you are in the throes of a society that almost killed me. I—I wake up every morning and everything is good and I am so afraid to lose that. I thought I was protecting you, protecting us. But I almost lost you and—” 

You let out a breathy cry. “You could never lose me, Azriel.” 

He pressed his forehead to yours, the wetness of his cheeks now apparent. Azriel’s hands were firm on either side of your head and his fingers laced up into your hair. 

Gods, you missed him. 

You missed him and everything hurt. 

“I’ll do better. I’ll be better. Just please—please, don’t leave again. Please come home. Let me fix this.”

The want was overwhelming. It would be so easy to say yes, but it would be just as easy for nothing to change. 

“You can’t do that again, Azriel,” you stressed, shaking your head and causing your mate to draw back. Only a breath was left between you. “You have to tell me what’s going on. You can’t—you can’t leave me in the dark. You can’t make me feel like that.”

Azriel’s head shook in desperation. “I won’t. I promise I won’t.” 

“I need to know I can rely on you—trust you.” 

“You can, angel.” 

“I need to know that you love me.” 

A pained sound escaped Azriel’s throat. He licked his lips and reaffirmed his hold on your face, locking his eyes with yours in a beseeching gaze. 

“I love you more than life itself, angel. I couldn’t breathe when you were gone. I can’t believe I made you think that I don’t. You are my life. Let me show you. Please, let me show you.”

You tracked your eyes between both of his. “Okay, Azriel.” 

“I’m going to keep you safe.”

“I am safe.” 

“I love you.” 

"I know you do, Az. I know."

[dirtyvulture]

The Maid

Socialite!Wanda Maximoff x Beefy!Rich!Reader*

Maid!Natasha Romanoff x Beefy!Rich!Reader*

18+ only, read at your own risk

Word count: 4663

Summary: You are married to a wealthy socialite, but your newly hired housemaid doesn’t approve of the marriage.

AN: I was reading a book series and got this idea. Enjoy!

*Reader has a penis, no pronouns used.

“I still don’t think it’s a good idea,” you say, poking at the sad bowl of cereal before you.

“Why not?” Your wife frowns at you from across the kitchen.

“Because we’re doing fine! We don’t need any extra help,” you emphasize.

“You’re not the one stuck at home all day cleaning the house and cooking all the meals,” she snaps. Your eyes shift to the bowl of cereal you’d had to make yourself because she was too busy at her pilates class to cook you anything more substantial. 

“This house is huge compared to our old one,” your wife continues. “And if you’re not going to help me around here, I’m going to hire someone who will.” Annoyance burns in your chest because you run your own company full-time, and your wife inherited all her wealth from her parents and hadn’t worked a real job in her entire life. “Besides, Steve’s the one who recommended her and he said she’s been really helpful to his family.”

“You seem to spend a lot of time talking to Steve,” you note, although you feel guilty for calling out your neighbor across the street. You’d spoken to him a few times and he seemed like a decent guy, but you weren’t stupid enough to not notice how often your wife would find her way over to his lawn multiple times a week.

“You’re at work all day and don’t answer your phone half the time,” she says. “You don’t expect me to stay in this gigantic house all by myself doing chores, do you? I’m not a house servant, Y/N.”

“No, of course you’re not,” you apologize. You glance at the Omega watch that had been an engagement gift from your wife. “Hey, I have to get going to work now.” Dutifully, you bring your bowl over to the sink and stop to kiss your wife on the way there. “I’ll see you later, honey.”

“Remember, the pool guy is coming at noon so you need to be back before then,” she says. “I don’t want to be left by myself with him.”

“Okay, I’ll try.” You’re not sure why she’s so nervous around the pool technician; he was about 30 years older than the both of you and had been very sweet and professional when he came to give you a quote for the maintenance.  

“No, don’t try. Do it,” she insists.

You try to hold in your sigh. “Yes, dear.”

***********************************************************************

Natasha curses to herself as she drags her vacuum cleaner and basket of cleaning supplies up the sidewalk to your home. Your wife–Mrs. L/N, as she had asked Natasha to call her, while you had no problem being on a first name basis with her–had told Natasha she didn’t want her parking in front of your house, requiring her to park around the corner. Which wouldn’t have been a significant issue except it meant Natasha had to lug everything to your house every time she stopped by.

“Do you need any help, Nat?” Steve Rogers, the friendly neighbor whom she also worked for, waved at her from across the street.

“No, no, I’m fine!” she squeaks, not wanting to bother him. But Steve, ever the gentleman, runs over anyway and she has no choice but to turn over her supplies to him. 

“You know, you can always just park in front of my house,” he offers, bundling the items in his muscular arms.

“That’s okay,” Natasha says. “Mrs. L/N made it very clear that as much as she needs my help, she doesn’t want people to know I’m here.”

Steve doesn’t argue with her and walks her to your front door. “Well, if you ever need anything–”

“Natasha! You’re late!” The front door swings open and Natasha finds herself face-to-face with your wife. “Oh, hello, Steven.” She flips her hair over her shoulder and bats her eyelashes at him. “Didn’t expect to see you here.” 

“I was just helping Natasha with her things,” Steve explains.

“Oh, don’t worry about her. She can handle herself. Right, Natasha?” She turns a judgmental eye on Natasha.

“I appreciate the help, Steve,” is all Natasha says.

“You’re welcome. See you both later!” He quickly jogs back to his home. 

Mrs. L/N ushers Natasha into the house. “I left a grocery list on the kitchen counter for you. If you can’t find something, please call me before you pick any substitutions,” she instructs briskly. “I have to go out to the HOA meeting, but Y/N should be home by noon before the pool man comes. Do not let him into the yard if Y/N or me are not home yet, understand?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Natasha nods her head, fighting the urge not to roll her eyes at this lady.

“Good.” She leaves towards the garage and Natasha can hear the purr of her Mercedes starting up.

It was Natasha’s second week working for your family, and she hated nearly every second of it–mostly because of your spoiled, bratty wife. But the few times Natasha had met you, she thought you were as kind and charming as could be (and very nice to look at). She wondered how the two of you had gotten together in the first place and what you saw in your wife. She was one of the bossiest clients Natasha had ever had, and Natasha had seen her be not much nicer to you. Plus, she was definitely hitting on Steve, but Natasha knows he wouldn’t cheat on his wife with yours.

She dumps her supplies in the foyer, then goes into the kitchen to find the grocery list. It only takes a single glance to know that your wife is totally fucking with her–what the hell is a rambutan? Natasha sighs loudly, wishing there were someone around to hear her distress. As much as she wants to quit working for your family, she needs the money. And she was still so new to the business, she couldn’t afford to make any bad impressions. 

With another sigh, she balls the grocery list into her fist and heads back out.

***********************************************************************

Natasha returns from her grocery trip just in time to see you pull into the garage in your bright green luxury sports car she doesn’t even recognize the manufacturer’s logo of. You get out and wave to her and she smiles back, almost forgetting the awful phone call she had to make to your wife when she searched the entire store and still couldn’t locate the rambutans (she ended up having to make a separate trip to Whole Foods for them). 

“Hi, Natasha!” you say, running down the driveway to help her with the grocery bags.

“Oh, don’t worry about these,” Natasha says, trying to swat your hands away. “It’s my job to take them into the house–”

“No, let me help,” you insist, scooping up four bags in one hand in one go. “Oh! Rambutans. These are my favorite. Thank you for finding them.” 

Instantly, Natasha wants to take back all the curses she had put on the spiky red fruit. “It was nothing,” she lies, making a mental note to buy out the store’s entire stock for you the next time she goes.

With your help, it takes half the amount of time to get all the groceries in the house. You also insist on helping her put everything away, showing her the proper drawers in the fridge for the fruit and vegetables versus the meat, and where the cereals went in the pantry. Natasha is beyond grateful for you; she knows your wife would have happily stood there and watched her struggle, then loudly criticized her for not knowing better.

“Thank you, Y/N,” she says, her hand inadvertently brushing yours when you pass her the last bag of apples. She withdraws from you almost too quickly, her skin hot where you touched her, but you don’t seem to notice, distracted by the ringing of the doorbell. 

“That must be Stan.” You dash off to meet the pool man. 

Natasha fills the dishwasher as much as she can and starts in, then goes to finish washing the oddly-shaped pots and pans that didn’t fit in the sink. The kitchen window looks out to your yard that is probably bigger than the footprint of her entire apartment complex. The pool has two different levels, but both are filled with a suspicious green water. You’re standing poolside talking to Stan, an older gentleman whom Natasha personally knew to be very kind from her few interactions with him when he conducted work on the neighborhood pool’s. 

She’s so busy looking at you, fantasizing about a life where this big house could be hers, with a doting partner who would take care of her and raise a family with her, she doesn’t hear the front door opening until she hears the unholy screech from your wife.

“Natasha, what are you doing?” she yells, hurrying over and snatching the soapy sponge right out of Natasha’s gloved hand.

“Um–the dishes? They didn’t all fit in the dishwasher–”

“You turned on the dishwasher?” Her eyes grow wide and her mouth drops like Natasha’s just confessed to a murder. “Didn’t I tell you we don’t run the dishwasher before seven p.m.?” Natasha is certain she’s never heard this instruction before in her life and watches as she rushes over to turn off the dishwasher mid-cycle and throw it open. “Also, you didn’t pack this correctly, you definitely could’ve fit those pots in here.”

“I’m sorry, I’ll rearrange it now,” Natasha says, trying not to get flustered. Surely your wife wouldn’t fire her over such a minor transgression, would she?

“Is Stan here yet?” she asks, but before Natasha can answer, she is interrupted by a shout and a splash. Both of them crane their necks to look out the window, where they can see Stan floating facedown in the pool. You’re kicking your shoes off and throwing your phone onto the lawn before you run up to the pool’s edge and dive in with a form that would rival an Olympic swimmer’s. Your wife screams and darts towards the back door, Natasha following right behind her.

“Y/N! What are you doing?”

“He fell in!” you answer, coughing out water as you loop your arms under the elderly man and kick back towards the stairs. “He just zoned out when he was talking to me and suddenly tipped over into the pool. I think he’s having a seizure.”

“I’ll call 911!” Natasha offers, not wanting to be as useless as your wife. She struggles to get her phone out of her pocket and punches in the number with shaky fingers.

Your wife hovers by the pool stairs, making no move to assist you as you struggle to drag the old man out, clearly weighed down by the water drenching both of your clothes. Stan is holding himself in a position so stiff it reminds Natasha of a mannequin. 

“Ugh, don’t get me wet, Y/N!” your wife complains as the brackish water sprays everywhere.

“I’m trying not to!” you snap, gently laying Stan on the grass.  

“Nine-one-one, what is your emergency?” a dispatcher picks up.

“Hello? Yes, I’m at 2800 Sherwood Drive. There’s a man here who fell into the pool and we just got him out, but he’s having some kind of medical episode,” Natasha says, putting her phone on speaker. The dispatcher asks if he’s breathing and you confirm. 

“Can roll him to his side and stabilize his head?”

Without hesitation, you peel off your shirt and roll it into a soggy ball, gently tucking it under the man’s head like a makeshift pillow. Natasha tries not to stare at your nicely sculpted torso, highlighted further by the water droplets on your skin, but her face burns in shame when she sees your wife glaring at her ogling.

“Okay, his head is stabilized!” you call out.

“Perfect, emergency services are two minutes away.”

“Thank you.”

It’s a big scene at the house by the time the ambulance pulls up. Your wife eventually covers you up with a towel, but you’re insistent on waiting outside for Stan to be carefully loaded into the ambulance before you finally allow your wife to usher you back into the house, still dripping water everywhere.

“Thank you for the help today, Natasha,” you say, reaching out to give her shoulder a gentle pat as you walk by her towards the house. Natasha doesn’t even know how to respond but nods furiously and mumbles that “she didn’t help much.”

“You can go now, Natasha,” your wife says curtly, and Natasha doesn’t question her and practically flees the premise.

***********************************************************************

It’s been a few weeks since the pool incident and Natasha is barely able to hold onto her sanity with the never-ending list of ridiculous tasks from your wife. When she holds a fundraiser meeting for a charity Natasha is sure she made up on her own, she calls on Natasha as her personal servant, forcing her to serve a collection of the snobbiest women in the neighborhood. Maybe I should take up meditation, Natasha thinks to herself as she prepares a third pitcher of iced tea because the first two “did not have the right balance of sugar to tea,” according to your wife, despite that Natasha had put in exactly one-third cup of sugar as requested.

Natasha doesn’t see you much around the house anymore, and she wonders if your wife purposely scheduled her around your work hours, or told you to stay away from her. She wants to ask you if there were any updates about Stan’s condition (there was no way she was going to get that information from your wife). She missed hearing your voice and seeing your smile…wait.

She shakes her head–she shouldn’t be thinking about you like that. You’re her employer and you’re married (to a bitch). It would be entirely inappropriate and dangerous to pursue you, so she would just have to make do with ogling you from afar. Besides, a lot of her clients did not show her respect, likely due to the nature of her job, so just because you were courteous and respectful towards her, didn’t mean you felt a specific way about her.

“You know, Y/N used to be fat.” Natasha startles when your wife walks up behind her. She almost drops the picture frame she’d been dusting of the two of you on a beach, holding hands as you walked towards the sunset in the background.

“Excuse me?” Natasha asks. 

“Fat and poor,” Mrs. L/N adds, much to Natasha’s horror. 

“That’s an awful thing to say about your partner,” Natasha says.

She shrugs. “I don’t want anything to be sugarcoated for you. All of this–” She gestures around to the grandiose-ness of the house, and points to a more recent photo of you, where you’re carrying your wife in your arms, the bulge of your biceps and wideness of your shoulders stretching out your shirt. “–was not a thing when we first started dating. I was there when Y/N had nothing and was no one.”

“Okay.” Natasha wonders why she’s acting like she did you a favor, when you are clearly the catch in the relationship. But then it suddenly dawns on her the reason she’s saying this is because she knows Natasha might have a small crush on you.

“Y/N would never leave me, because I was there from the beginning,” Mrs. L/N says loftily.

“Of course,” Natasha says, fearing she has made a terrible mistake. “Y/N must be very lucky to have you.”

“You have no idea,” your wife smirks. “So let me be a reminder to keep things professional in my house. I’d hate for you to lose your job here. As far as I know, this is the only neighborhood that employs you, and your reputation is everything, isn’t it? One bad review could spoil the whole bunch, and you’d be off having to peddle your services elsewhere.” Icy fear pits at the bottom of Natasha’s stomach. “That is, if the police don’t pick you up first.”

“What are you talking about?” Natasha whispers, even though she knows exactly what Mrs. L/N is talking about. She had been foolish to assume her past would never follow her, but how could your wife have found out? Clint had assured her that with a new name and a new location, she’d be untraceable. 

“Because they’d have to arrest you from stealing Y/N away from me,” Mrs. L/N laughs shrilly. Natasha chuckles nervously, although she was certain adultery was not a punishable offense in the state. “But I’m just joking. That would never happen, right?”

“Never,” Natasha promises, hoping her cover will stay hidden for now. 

“Good.”

***********************************************************************

“How was your day at work, honey?”

“Busy,” you grunt, moodily poking at the chicken pot pie Natasha had made before she went home. The food tastes good–it’s better than anything your wife has ever cooked, you think privately, but you don’t have much of an appetite. The end of the financial quarter was rapidly approaching and it had become extremely apparent to you that the profits of your company were not outweighing the expenses for the third quarter in a row. You were digging yourself a bigger and bigger grave, dipping into your personal investments to pay your way out of debt. It was the most stressful period of your life, with no relief in sight, and your wife wouldn’t understand the pressure.

“Sorry to hear that,” she says, although her words don’t come across as very genuine. “My day wasn’t so great either. I got into an argument earlier with Mrs. Harkness at the HOA meeting.” Your wife clicks her tongue. “Some of these women will go to war over their lawn decorations, I swear.”

A jab bubbles on the tip of your tongue; was she really trying to compare an HOA meeting to your very real, very stressful job running a business? But you stay quiet, shoveling another spoonful of pot pie into your mouth.

“Where’s Natasha?” you ask. Usually she stayed around for dinner (not that your wife would let her sit at the same table as you), but you hadn’t seen her in the house for a while.

“I ran out of time today, so I sent her out to grab some things for tomorrow,” she answers. When Natasha had first been hired, you had been under the impression that she was exclusively a housekeeper, helping with all the household chores your wife couldn’t complete. But you had heard about her running grocery trips and waiting on your wife and her friends during meetings, turning Natasha into more of a personal assistant than anything. You hoped she was okay with that; you knew how demanding your wife could be sometimes.

“Oh, okay.” You finish your helping of pot pie in silence, then go to place your plate in the dishwasher, before going into the bedroom to retire for the night. As you’re washing your face in the sink, you hear your wife pad up behind her.

“Sorry you’ve been really stressed lately,” she says, rubbing her hand up and down your arm. 

“It’s not your fault,” you respond, drying your face on a towel, going back into the bedroom to find your pajamas so you can take a shower.

“Y/N.” Your wife stops you as you’re searching through the dresser for your pajamas. When you look at her, she’s eyeing you with her bottom lip between her teeth. She struts towards you, slowly sinking to her knees and looking up at you. “Maybe I can do something to make you feel better?” 

With you being so busy with work and her busy with the new move, the two of you hardly had time for each other. Plus, your wife tended to be on the particular side and never seemed to be in the mood if you initiated. It was a little frustrating sometimes, but you found ways to cope and besides, it did make the times she was ready for you all the more enjoyable.

She pulls down your pants, palming at your boxers and causing you to groan. You unbutton your shirt as you feel your body start to heat up and let it slide off your shoulders. 

“Fuck, don’t tease me,” you grunt when she leans forward and nibbles on the exposed flesh of your thigh. 

“You need to savor the moment,” she says, although you can tell she’s just as impatient when she hooks her fingers into the waistband of your boxers and draws them down to the floor. Your heavy cock bobs out, slapping against your abs before your wife grabs onto it and brings it to her mouth. 

“Fuck, baby,” you moan, tipping your head back when you feel her lips wrap around your cock. You wrap your hand in her hair, pumping your hips forward to sink your length into the heat of her throat. She grips onto your thighs to steady herself, the faintest of choking noise escaping her. You grunt in satisfaction, thrusting a little harder until the tip of your cock bumps the back of her throat. She whines louder, but doesn’t pull away, and your knees are practically shaking at the sight of her deepthroating all of you.  

“You’re doing so well,” you praise and her cheeks flush red. “Are you gonna let me finish in your mouth?” you ask, and she nods in response, the movement causing a burst of pre-cum to leak out of your cock. You stroke a stray hair out of her face so you can look into her eyes when you finish. “That’s my good girl.”

***********************************************************************

Natasha lets herself into your home, juggling three heavy bags that she’s pretty sure are cutting off the circulation to her fingers. She passes by the kitchen, confused to see it empty; when she had left the two of you were just settling down to eat. She puts the bags by the foot of the table, recalling the time Mrs. L/N had screamed at her for putting “dirty outside bags” on the place where you ate. She wouldn’t make that same mistake again.

Checking her phone, Natasha sees that your wife had sent her a text less than five minutes ago.

Natasha sighs. It had already been a long day, but she wasn’t given an ounce of leeway. She knows better than to walk away from an unfinished task (especially around your wife), so she trudges up the stairs and turns into the guest room. Hopefully her presence can go unnoticed, and your wife will magically find the folded clothes long after Natasha is gone. 

There are a total of three shirts and a pair of jeans left to fold. Natasha knows it would be too much to ask your wife to do on her own. She grits her teeth and folds the clothes, taking the better part of a minute, then looks around and realizes she doesn’t remember where she put the laundry basket. 

Maybe she had already brought it to the master bedroom, but she knew she couldn’t just leave it on the guest bed, or your wife would probably fire her. Natasha gathers up the clothes and walks down the hall to the master bedroom, but freezes in her tracks when she hears noises coming out of the bedroom.

Moaning noises, specifically.

Natasha can’t stop herself as she moves closer to the door, positioning herself to peer through the crack in between the door and the wall. She sees your wife on her knees, her head bobbing against your waist as you stand there, half-naked, moaning and thrusting your hips forward.

Natasha feels like she can’t breathe, totally shocked and embarrassed to have caught the two of you in a moment. She has a strange sense that your wife had set her up like this on purpose, but the thought quickly dissipates as she finds herself moving closer to the door.

“That’s my good girl.”

Natasha’s stomach flips when she hears you say this, even though it isn’t directed to her. But maybe one day it could be. 

She’s practically pressed up against the door, the fear of being caught burning away in her eagerness to keep watching you. The way the muscles in your stomach and thighs flex as your hips roll in a sinful rhythm. Natasha is almost ashamed at how fast she feels the arousal building in her own stomach.

You grunt louder and slow down as you seem to near release. Natasha can’t help but wonder what you must taste like and if she could even fit you down her throat. Your wife seems to be struggling with your size, but Natasha would do everything in her power to make you happy and not let any drop go to waste.

Without warning, your wife removes you from her mouth. Both you and Natasha gasp–you probably in frustration, and Natasha because she’s shocked at how big you are. Your cock is shiny with saliva and pre-cum and is so hard it looks like it’s about to burst.

“I didn’t finish,” you whine as your wife stands up, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She puts her hand on your chest and pushes you back until you stumble onto the bed.

“I know. But I don’t want you to finish in my mouth, I want you to finish inside me.”

“Oh.” Your wife takes off her pants and climbs onto you.

Natasha knows how wrong it is for her to stand there and continue watching. She should’ve left a long time ago. But somehow, she knows your wife set her up to see this, and instead of running away in shame, Natasha is totally absorbed and her obsession with you only skyrockets. 

The headboard creaks against the wall as your wife rides you, both of you moaning in unison. Natasha’s eyes are stuck on you, trying to memorize your body’s reactions and wondering if she’d ever be the cause of them one day. You tilt your head back into the pillows, your back arching off the mattress, your hands wrapped around your wife’s waist as you thrust up into her. 

“I’m ready. I’m gonna cum,” you announce breathlessly.

Natasha hopes you’ll say those words to her one day. But she turns away as you finish, scolding herself for her unprofessional and frankly creepy behavior. She drops the folded clothes to the floor, knowing your wife will eventually find them and know of their origin. Maybe she’ll get fired for this; if anything, it’d be for the better. She doesn’t trust herself to be around you anymore–not that she’d ever be so bold as to make a move and disrespect your marriage, but she’d never be able to look at you the same way again.

She quickly pads down the stairs and leaves the house, the emptiness in her heart and core almost reaching a painful point.

***********************************************************************

You jerk your hips up a final time as you cum, dropping back onto the bed exhausted and spent. 

“Hmm, that was fun,” your wife pants against your neck, and you wrap your arm around her tightly, pulling her closer to your body. 

“We can shower together?” you suggest, digging your fingers teasingly into her naked hips. 

“Sure. Give me a minute.” She lays her head on your chest.

Despite your differences, you were truly happy to have this woman by your side through it all. She had been your longest supporter and that had meant everything to you when no one else believed in you.

You kiss her forehead softly. “I love you, Wanda.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: Actually screaming and crying. Nat please come save us 😭

To be continued?

@holiday-house-of-m I finally kept my promise to you after 84 years.

Please like, reblog, and comment! Follow for more content. 🥰

[dollishmehrayan]

# BATBOYS WITH A SUNSHINE!READER ── .✦ ( basically batboys with a optimistic reader )

a/n: this was requested by anon (here) but anywayss i think I’m gonna do the world tour thing after my winter inspired fics/hcs end on like February 28th! (Dw i’ll still do the world tour thingy in between) but yahh also I desperately need writer mutals + mutals I mssg daily like I’m a very kind person idm if you dm me at like 4 AM, tags: (batboys x fem!reader)

© dollishmehrayan — ( all rights reserved to me. These works cannot be reposted, translated, or modified. Thank you for understanding dollies! )

DICK GRAYSON ── .✦

Absolutely smitten. Your optimism is like a magnet for Dick, who thrives on positivity.

He calls you his “little ray of sunshine” (even if you roll your eyes at the nickname).

If he’s feeling down, your relentless optimism is a game changer. “How do you do that? How do you make the world seem so… bright all the time?”

Constantly teases you, especially if you’re being overly cheerful during random moments. “Are you seriously smiling right now? We’re getting ready to head to bed!”

But secretly, he loves it. Your energy balances his occasional doubts && insecurities. (he lovesss positive people who live in their own world)

Dick starts picking up on your habits leaving little notes of encouragement, giving random compliments to strangers and realizes how much better it makes his day.

JASON TODD ── .✦

At first, he’s skeptical. He’s not used to someone so genuinely cheerful, and he might think you’re putting on an act.

“How are you this happy all the time? What’s your secret? Coffee? Dark magic?”, “I just like seeing the world differently, I’m a poet in my mind.”

But over time, he warms up to your positivity and even craves it (to a point he gets sad if you aren’t around for more than 4 hours). You’re the light that cuts through his darker moments and more sulking personality.

“I don’t know how you do it, but you make me feel like the world’s not completely screwed.”, “what did you say?-“, “Nothing go back to sleep.”

He pretends to be annoyed when you try to cheer him up after a rough day, but he secretly loves when you coax a laugh out of him.

Jason starts jokingly calling you his “emotional support sunshine.” He’ll tell Roy, “Yeah, they’re like my personal antidepressant.”

Will protect your positivity at all costs. If anyone tries to dim your light, they’ll have to deal with him.

TIM DRAKE ── .✦

Finds your optimism so refreshing. Tim can be a little too caught up in stress and overthinking, so your energy is like a breath of fresh air.

He’s constantly asking, “How are you so happy all the time? Teach me your ways.”

If you leave him little notes of encouragement, he’ll treasure them forever. He has a drawer full of them and pulls one out whenever he’s having a bad day.

Sometimes, your cheerfulness makes him feel a little guilty. “You’re so good, and here I am being a grump.” But you always remind him it’s okay to have bad days.

Tim loves how you bring optimism even to his most chaotic moments. “Yeah, sure, we’re being late, but hey, at least it’s not raining, right?”

He’d be a little overwhelmed by your energy at times, but he admires you deeply for seeing the good in everything.

DAMIAN WAYNE ── .✦

Damian does not know what to do with you at first. Your cheerfulness is a complete mystery to him.

“Why are you smiling? We are surrounded by incompetence.”

He pretends to be annoyed, but deep down, he finds your positivity oddly comforting.

Over time, he starts looking forward to your optimistic take on things. “Yes, fine, maybe there is a silver lining. Stop gloating.”

You have a knack for breaking through his tough exterior. If he’s grumpy, you’ll say something so genuinely kind that he can’t help but soften.

Damian secretly loves how you see the good in him, even when he doesn’t see it himself.

He starts to mimic your habits, like giving Alfred small compliments or trying to look on the bright side, but he’ll deny it if you call him out.

BRUCE WAYNE ── .✦

Bruce admires your positivity but doesn’t always understand it. “How do you manage to stay so cheerful in Gotham of all places?”

At first, he worries your optimism will make you naive, but he quickly realizes it’s your strength.

Your energy is a stark contrast to his brooding nature, and he starts leaning on it more than he cares to admit.

When he’s stuck in his head or doubting himself, you always know what to say to pull him out of it.

“You make it sound so simple,” he says after you give him one of your pep talks. But he smiles because somehow, you do make it simple.

You bring a sense of warmth and nostalgia into the Wayne Manor. Bruce finds himself more relaxed when you’re around, even in the middle of chaos.

He’ll never admit it to the others, but your optimism is one of his favorite things about you.

[miya-rin]

“what the fuck do you two think youre doing?”

shit, you think, you didnt notice the balcony door had been slid open until you heard the voice of one of your brothers. you start to pull away from suna’s lips which earns you a small whine from his end, his grip tightens around you and honestly it its quite cute the way he is trying so hard to savour the moment. “come back later, we’re kinda busy.” the boy mutters before trying to move your face away from the distraction so that he can kiss you once more.

“suna you get your hands off of her right now, i dont give a fuck that its your birthday.” osamu pipes up, he looks furious and a little bit disgusted, if it hadnt been for the situation youre in right now you would think its kind of funny.

“samu lay off him, it was a mutual agreement, im just as guilty as he is ok?” that does not seem to help the boys understand, if anything they seem even more angry with you both.

“what the fuck do you mean it was a mutual agreement? are you two hooking up or something? yn he just turned 18 a few hours ago are you forgetting that?” atsumu says, he is rambling on with every excuse he can think of as to why this is “so wrong”, from the corner of your eye you can see suna trying so very hard to hide the grin that is creeping its way onto his face, his hands still all over you despite the fact that you arent alone anymore.

“listen, it was his birthday wish ok? i swear it didn’t mean anything,” sunas grip begins to loosen ever so slightly, “i just though it would get him off my back and get him over his little crush on me.” suna’s facial expression shifts but you choose to ignore it, you have bigger problems to deal with at the moment.

“no this is not ok, how would you feel if me or samu kissed one of your friends because it was their birthday wish?”

“that’s different, why would my friends want to kiss either of you?”

“excuse me? ill have you know that many women want to kiss me! and dont think youre getting off the hook either suna, ill make sure you never-“ you dont even want to hear the threat that is about to come out of his mouth, you just want to get out of this shitty situation.

“boys please, just give us five minutes to talk and then we will be back inside ok? i promise.” your efforts to plead with your brothers finally work.

“…fine,” atsumu mumbles, “but this better be a one time thing. im not gonna deal with you two being all lovey dovey around me.” and with that he lightly tugs on osamu’s sleeve, signalling him to walk back inside and continue the party. he closes the balcony door but not before bringing two fingers up to his eyes and then pointing them at the two of you. its a warning.

you turn back to suna and notice the sad look on his face - he looks kinda cute like this, “so, what do-“.

“did you really mean what you just said to them?” the poor boy looks heartbroken, after waiting three years to finally have a chance with the girl he loves wants the moment is ruined like that? “did you actually just do that so i would leave you alone?” his hands fully leave your body now and he takes a step back to put some distance between you two.

“well i mean sort of yeah… ive never looked at you in any way other than my brothers best friend if im going to be honest, i dont know if thats because of the age difference or what but ive never thought we could be anything.” the look of hurt is prominent on his face no matter how hard he tries to hide it, normally playful banter would have been thrown back and forth between the two of you but rintarou just stays silent, an indication that youve fucked up.

“listen suna i dont know what you want me to say, i wasnt really thinking when i said that to atsumu it just came out. i am 4 years older than you and many people would not approve of us if i decided to give you a chance.”

“who cares? i could treat you so right if you would just let me. i have waited entirely too long for this moment, all im asking for is one date.”

“you said that about the kiss too, one thing is never enough with you is it? you always need more.” a playful smile creeps onto your face which is outshined by the one on sunas, he knows that your smile means that you agree to go on a date with him.

“i really hope you arent fucking with me right now, that would be so cruel, especially on my birthday.”

“oh give the birthday excuse a rest now will you? you dont need to keep on at me you have already got what you want.”

“mhm i absolutely have,” he walks closer and once again wraps his arms around you, placing a hand under your jawbone to make you look up at him, “and i couldnt be happier.” he states as he pulls you in for a passionate kiss once more <3

[pearlzier]

⊹ 🩰 ࣪ ✶ ˖

✶ . ࣪ ׅ now playing / pink matter by frank ocean ࣪ ✶ ˖

๋࣭ ⭑ from the inbox . . . | reader thinking that matt doesn't really care about her and his priorities are always elsewhere, and he decided to worship her to make it up to her — @lovesickgrlsrh0t

๋࣭ ⭑ warnings . . . | kinda subby matt, also kinda subby reader, oral (f!receiving), barely angst but sure, riding schlong, unprotected sex (dont be silly wrap that willy LMFAOO), p in v

๋࣭ ⭑ author's note . . . | take me shopping i dont care you can take me anywhere see the wind fly through my hair make the people stop n stare 😇 i hope this is. good BYE

you know matt loves you more than anything. it was so obvious in everything he did, how he behaved around you. you love him more than anything, you're sure to make it obnoxiously clear too. he makes your heart flutter, your demeanour happier and just everything better.

so why was that quiet but insistent part of your mind trying to convince you otherwise?

it started when matt was getting consistently more busy with youtube and other influencer-y things that he and his brothers do. you were used to it, yeah, but lately it felt more intrusive and an inconvience to you more than anything. but you never mentioned it, because you never wanted to seem needy, or like that annoying girlfriend who always wants his attention on her. you do, of course, who wouldn't, but not like that.

"m'busy, baby, i can't," he'd tell you, glancing at you for a faint moment before he looked back at his computer or resumed talking with nick and chris. it shouldn't have made you as upset as it did, since it wasn't anywhere near rude or a rejection, but it did make you upset. even a—"maybe later, babe,"—was almost catastrophic, making you feel even worse.

it may seem irrational or an overreaction however you just felt.. ignored. or underappreciated, or whatever you'd call it. like, does he even care about you? insane, you know, but.. you couldn't help but feel like that. what was making you so highstrung?

and matt. oh, matt. as perceptive as ever, knew there was something wrong almost immediately. he stayed quiet about it, trying to test the waters to see whether he was wrong about it however when your reluctance to even be around him became evident, he knew something had happened. he just.. didn't know what. so, he asked chris, first. "i dunno, man, she's just—she's like, avoiding me," chris laughs, almost instantly.

"what the fuck did you do?" he's not really paying attention, considering he knows exactly why you're avoiding matt. you'd talked to him and nick about it. and he vividly remembers you saying you wanted matt to figure out why you were so upset himself; without help.

matt retorts immediately, "i don't know, if i did, i think i'd be fixing it, dumbass." he swallows thickly, feeling uncomfortable with the thought of you not wanting to be around him. he pushes up from the counter, sighing, "thanks for the help." his tone is sarcastic, snarky, as he runs a hand through his hair before heading to the living room where you were with nick.

yeah, you'd resorted to hanging out with nick, when matt was in the house—it wasn't unusual, just.. weird considering how worried he was. it was petty of you, you knew it, but..

"hey," the tension is unsettling, and he hates it. you hate it too. you both hate it. nick's in the middle of it, fiddling with the beads of the bracelet he'd been making with you with a sideways glance at matt as if to tell him that he fucked up, big time. matt knew that, of course he did. you glance up at him, a tiny bit guilty. "nick, you mind if i steal her away for a bit?" he jokes, glancing at you with soft, almost sad puppy dog eyes.

"go ahead," nick mumbles, not exactly wanting to be stuck between couple drama and kind of just wanting to make cute bracelets.

you reluctantly get up, handing the beads back to nick. a dramatic sigh slips past your lips, and you make your way over to matt, looking at him expectantly. he swallows hard, gently grasping at your arm and leading you to his room, closing the door behind him. looking back at you, he finds you standing there with your arms folded over your chest defensively. his heart melts. "baby," he starts.

you glance away, frowning. you weren't mad at him, could never be mad at him, but.. uncertain and worried and all those bad feelings that made your head hurt and stomach ache. "matt," not even a matty? now he's frowning, unsure of how to approach this without making an absolute fool of himself. you had him wrapped so tight around your pretty finger, it was unbelievable.

"you're upset with me," matt mumbles, sounding dejected and upset with himself that he'd done something to upset you. "c'mon, look at me," you won't even look at him, give him the time of day.

kind of like how he made you feel, right? he doesn't know where the thought came from, and maybe it's from how you refuse to look at him, but.. he starts to piece things together. especially when you accidentally look at him despite the whole ignoring thing you have going on. "oh, baby," he says softly, ashamed. he hadn't been looking after you the way he should, right? that's what he's thinking, and he knows he's right.

"mmph," you glance away, focusing your gaze on the ceiling. it's how a child, a particularly petulant one, would react to being neglected in the way matt had done to you. his frown only deepens, hands moving to clasp at your thighs. you flinch at the cold metal of his rings against your warm skin, however you relax moments after. "i'm sorry," he starts, knowing a simple apology won't get you to forgive him. he knows you well, after all. "c'mon, let me.." he says softly, pulling you gently towards the bed. he's careful, not too forceful in case you don't want him to touch you or anything. he's too on edge. you let out a quiet sound as the back of your knees hit the bed, and you plonk down, eyes flickering up to his.

it would seem pathetic to some, desperate to many, the way he drops to his knees infront of you. it even surprises you, and you finally look at him properly. a giggle bubbles from your throat, despite yourself, "what are you doing?" your tone is soft, upset but oozing curiosity. his baby blues meet your eyes, and he swallows hard. "makin' it up to you, ma." he runs his hands over your thighs, chest rising and falling in gentle breaths as he takes you in. all his, right? all his.

matt lets his hand gently slide over your thighs, the exhale he lets out shaky and almost whimpery in nature. "wasn't bein' nice to my girl, was i?" he shakes his head, watching the way you nod slowly, "you weren't," you say matter-of-factly, because he wasn't. matt agrees, a soft hum of acknowledgement slipping past his lips. he feels so bad for ignoring you like that, having his priorities else where even when he was busy with work.

his head dips down to suckle gently at your soft skin, tentatively kissing at it. his blue eyes lift to yours for a moment, as if asking for permission. you nod, swallowing hard. "let me make it up to you," he asks, before he continues, murmuring against your skin, "let me make it up to you. please, baby, wanna make it all better."

how could you say no to that? the sound of him begging?

"okay," you say gently, "if you'll let me rant," he moans softly against your thigh, and he nods gently, mumbling something in affirmation but you can't hear it, nor do you really care, since his touch is a little bit mind fogging. his hands grasp at your thighs, tugging you impossibly closer.

"go on," he says quietly, bringing your legs over his shoulders so he can take care of your soft skin the way he wants to, needs to. but also to hear you take your frustrations out on him, it's the least he can do, isn't it? he sounds so apologetic, it's heart melting. "i dunno, kinda feels like you don't really care about me," you say quietly, a little ashamed for even thinking it. matt lets out a whimpery sound, like it pains him to even hear that.

"no, no, no, baby," matt leaves soft marks on your skin, nibbling gently. he's only careful with you, nothing less than delicate with your body. the open mouthed kisses he leaves make a shiver run down your spine, and you continue, "it's dumb.. but, just.. i feel ignored," oh, not right now. you feel very much attended to. "and like.. i'm not really.. you don't think about me? more about your work?"

matt's hands grasp tightly at your thighs instinctively as he swallows hard, shaking his head, "ma.." it's like he doesn't even think twice as he reaches for your leggings, tugging them down quickly but gently. "lift up f'me," he mumbles quietly, pulling down the leggings with relative ease. they're discarded soon enough, and you flinch a little at the cold air on your legs. "i'm so sorry, god.." he tugs your clothed cunt closer to him with another tug to your legs, leaning in and nuzzling himself against you.

a sharp gasp slips past your lips at the friction and your fingers instantly thread through his dark hair, his groan vibrating against your core at the sensation of you tugging. "ah.." your lips part, a pretty sound escaping you. he relishes in those sounds, adores them, and he starts to coax more when he starts mouthing over your clit through the fabric. the sensation is new to you, but not at all unwarranted. his pretty groans make it even better.

"m'so sorry.." his fingers, as he wets the fabric of your underwear even more, skim over the waistband of the fabric between the two of you. he tugs, once or twice, as if asking for permission. "go on," you say softly, a giggle bubbling from you again when he pulls down your underwear with relative ease and definite eagerness. an awed groan slips past his lips at the sight of your pretty pussy, one of his favourite things in the world. "there she is.." he says softly under his breath. eyes lifting to yours.

"been neglectin' you," he addresses you directly, tone soft, then he looks to your cunt, head tilting gently, "and neglecting her, huh? how bad of me.." matt tuts, shaking his head once more. he brings you close once more, giving a gentle pat to your puffy pussy and watching as you squirm almost instantly. "should make it better for my girls, shouldn't i?" another pat, and he's diving in, letting out a groan against your folds as he kisses and slips his tongue across them.

"she tastes so good, huh? she missed me," matt's words make you cry out softly, taken off guard by how desperate he is to please you. you tighten your grip on his hair a little and even squeeze your thighs around his head a bit more, causing him to groan into your soft, wet skin. "matt, oh, shit," you whimper, and he swirls his tongue around you, shifting lower so his nose bumps against your clit with every movement of his head.

his tongue circles your entrance for a moment before he flicks his tongue into your wet hole, loving the way you practically grind down onto his face. "take what you want, that's it," his words are muffled by your heat, and how you're almost sat on his face, but you get them nonetheless, eyes fluttering down to his own meeting yours. matt's hands slide down to your ass, squeezing and kneading in his hands.

matt's not even focused on himself, no, not at all, his hips grinding into the bed slowly to gain some kind of friction at all. he might end up cumming in his pants, he doesn't care, as long as you feel good and wanted. he never wants you to feel ignored or neglected again. you're his girl, his. "holy fucking shit," he's good with his mouth, like, good. and he knows it, lord does he know it.

the moment your hips start to stutter from his mouth sucking and licking at your pretty pussy, he doesn't let up, only making his movements more intense and pleasurable for you.

"that's it, fuck," he grunts, your thighs squeezing around his head once more. he doesn't even mind it, not at all. in fact, it gets him going, nose bumping against your clit enough to have you whining and squirming against his face, that familiar tight knot of arousal squeezing in your abdomen. matt can feel it too, as he eats you out like his life depends on it, which to him, it really does. "yeah, baby, there we go, that's it, come all over my face, make a mess on me, shit.."

you in fact, do, without any shame in the world. why feel shame when your man was making you feel so fucking amazing? your thighs tremble around his head and he helps you ride out your orgasm, licking slowly to bring you back down to earth without overstimulating you. soon, he pulls back, not even minding the state of well, his face. "did so good for me," he mumbles breathlessly, and you swallow hard. "that.. felt.. oh my god, matthew." a chuckle escapes him at the use of matthew and not just matt, and he gently pushes up off his knees to lay down on the bed on his back. his hands find your hips, slowly bringing you over on top of him.

"matthew, huh?" matt smiles, a gentle, loving smile that tells you exactly how much he cares for and adores you. a little grunt slips past his lips as he tugs his boxers down enough to free his cock, pre cum leaking from it due to how he was basically humping the bed earlier. your eyes flutter over him as you look down at him, swallowing hard, and he murmurs, "so pretty, ma," he gives his cock a few quick strokes, before he lines himself up with your tight hole. "i got you.."

you let out a pitiful little whine when he pulls you down onto him, the stretch making your lips part with soft noises, and matt tilts his head, taking in your form as you squirm. "relax for me.. i've got you.." his eyes flutter over your body, adoringly. his heart swells with warmth, just.. he can't believe he's so lucky. "i'm gonna fuckin'.. explode," you mumble breathlessly.

"i'll pick up the pieces, baby," he leans back against the headboard, hands squeezing at your hips. matt swallows hard, just in awe for a moment. "gorgeous, gorgeous girl. how'd i get so damn lucky?" he lets you adjust to him for a moment, waiting for the greenlight. "you'd be even luckier if you started movin'," ever the graceful, you are, he thinks to himself, and a laugh escapes him again.

"right, right, sorry," a giggle escapes you too, but it soon melts into a moan when he lifts you up, only to drop you back down. his eyes flutter to yours, baby blues dark with sheer want, and he grunts under his breath at how tight you are. "wish i could stay buried in your pussy forever, honey," he guides your movements a few more times till you find a rhythm, however his hands remain on your thighs to hold you up if you get tired.

"mmh, shit, shit, shit," your love for profanity only fuels his adoration for you, his hands squeezing at your thighs as you bounced on his cock, the sounds of skin slapping against skin hitting your ears. he didn't think about how loud the two of you were being and the fact his door was open, no, he wanted to make you feel as loved and wanted as you should. "feels so good, matt, mmh!"

he's doing a very good job at it too.

"that's it, fuck, look so pretty ridin' my dick like that, you like that, mama? yeah.." his eyes follow the way your tits bounce beneath your top, and he pushes up the fabric so he can get a good view of them. no one's ever looked at you with such adoration like that, it's intoxicating. matt greedily gropes at you, squeezing and flicking your nipples just because. and because it makes you clench around him so good. "these pretty titties, fuck."

matt swallows hard, getting lost in you as you get lost in him too, holding onto his hoodie tight as you lift your hips up and down. "never wanna make you feel bad again, never wanna do that. m'so sorry baby, fuck, you forgive me? forgive me, please, ma?" he's practically begging, hands squeezing your body all over, showing how much he loves you. "always got time for my baby, for my girl. even if i don't, gonna make it, promise, fuckin'.. promise," he mumbles, words borderline incoherent.

it makes you smile, it makes you beam, and you're not mad at him. you'd stopped being upset with him since he made you come all over his face, to be totally honest. "it's okay, it's okay," you murmur softly, "i forgive you, okay? i forgive you." matt squeezes your hips once more, bucking his own into you to drive himself deeper inside of you. the way you squeeze around him is intoxicating.

"gonna come, ma, shit," matt whimpers, and you coo softly at his whiny tone, "yeah? go on, come for me," he whines shakily, gripping your thighs tighter and thrusting up into you harder. his chest rises and falls in quick breaths, dark hair falling over his eyes as he lets out soft sounds as pretty as yours. "where d'you want it?" he asks breathlessly, eyes searching yours.

"want it inside," just the sound of your voice saying shit like that has him groaning, hips stuttering as he feels himself reach that peak, ropes of cum painting your walls as he lets go. you find yourself gushing around him around the same time too, a shaky series of moans and whines slipping past your lips. matt takes the opportunity to wrap his arms around you and press your body against his. his head soon nuzzles into the crook of your neck. "i love you so much," he breathes out.

"love you too," you murmur in response, relaxing into him. you're happy to stay there for a while.

or go again.

๋࣭ ⭑ taglist / @mattslolita , @st7rnioioss , @flairdean , @mattsluv , @bepositiveforachange , @poetatorturadaa , @onlynextdoor

๋࣭ ⭑ line dividers / @rookthornesartistry

[brujaluas]

WHAT YOUR PAST SELF WANTS TO COMMUNICATE TO YOU

WHAT YOUR PAST SELF WANTS TO COMMUNICATE TO YOU

pile 1

Well, the first thing I saw was "I know you miss the past", your past self doesn't want you to be sad about the memories of the past, because it seems like you were happier years ago, your past self wants you to see these memories with pride and good nostalgia, not that your heart aches.

It also doesn't want you to be so focused on your traumas and sacrifices, what's past is past. It's not something you can just get over and that's it, but you need to understand that there's no way to change the past, and that remembering bad things only hurts you, your past self asks you to see things from another perspective too! see how you have changed for the better, there is a phrase that goes like this: "evil is never complete", even if you have suffered a lot in the past, something beautiful can blossom now, you may have become more resilient, a person who knows how to take care of themselves in a loving way, you understand, I wish you the best, feel at home here on this blog, I welcome you with open arms! and I apologize for the words, I am not trying to tell you to pretend that things never happened, but to see things in a way that does not make you suffer.

pile 2

There must be a song that talks about this, I'll look for it, wait, ok after searching for hours, I found one that fits, I didn't know it but it's Black Swan by BTS, it talks about an artist losing the will to make art and having this as a deep fear (at least that's how I interpreted it), and it also reminds me that when an artist give up making art is a form of suicide and that kind of happened to some, some people in this pile completely abandoned what makes them happy, like painting as example to dedicate themselves to more rigid things, like something from the office, your past self knows that you miss doing the things you used to do, be it watching birds, nature, painting, drawing, you miss that, because nowadays everything seems so boring and tiring, right? I see a childhood nostalgia here, well, your past self thinks that you don't need to let it die completely and you don't need to feel guilty for having abandoned it for another reason either, that's okay, an artist never stops being an artist. Remember that, my dear.

pile 3

You may want to see the other piles too and that's okay, I'll be waiting for you here. Did you see? Well, let's go to this one now. You may be missing a male figure in your life, something brotherly, Christmas may be important to you, but nowadays things are no longer the same as when you were a child, here I see a very mysterious energy, your past self misses and regrets the happy child you were in the past, you had good memories of life, but you grew up, it's the natural cycle of things, sometimes you may want to go back in time just to live that again. Be happy.

[pipwritesoccasionally]

midnight emotions (two little lines pt. 2)

in which your stepson has a bad dream and you feel guilty.

this one has less to do with your pregnancy but it is still relevant!

toji x reader (same stuff from last time applies, technically AFAB because of pregnancy but it's also a world with sorcery so I am not here to stop AMAB people. kept it pretty gender neutral, but let me know if it doesn't seem like it.)

wc: 850

pt. 1 pt.3

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the darkness floods your eyes as you blink awake for the second time that night. body aching, you roll over, feet fluffing the carpet of you and toji’s bedroom. your arms reach up, exposing your growing stomach to the cold air. 

as you stand, the bed creaks, and you hear your husband groan. 

“doll?” his voice is low from sleep, and you place your hand on his arm. 

“i’m good. i just have to pee.” 

“again? you went two hours ago,” you’d never think that toji could be so whiny, but it sure was a very cute surprise. 

“babe, a whole human is growing next to my bladder. i’m going to be peeing all the time for the next few months,” you chuckle, and you hear him roll over on the bed. 

“fine. see you soon.” 

with that, you begin your walk to the bathroom, able to navigate the dark hallways perfectly after following this routine for weeks. after doing your business, you walk back down the hall, but this time you find that it’s much easier. 

in fact, there’s a light on in one of the bedrooms, which you quickly discern to be megumi’s. you knock, hearing a little “come in” on the other side. 

“megumi? what are you doing up?” you whisper, seeing him sitting up in bed. he furiously rubs his hands with his face, and the sight brings tears to your eyes. 

“i…had a bad dream.” he says, his little voice full of sadness. you move to kneel next to his bed, hoping to reassure him. 

“what happened? you can talk to me about it, if you want. or i can get your dad if you’d prefer.” he shakes his head, but still seems to hesitate. 

“dad’s not going to…leave us, will he?” worry strikes through you. 

“never. what would make you think that?”

“i don’t know, i guess i just wish we could see him more. he’s always pretty busy and only comes home for dinner.” another tear falls down his little face, and you can feel one mirror on your own. curse your hormones. 

“he’s busy, yes, but it’s because he’s trying to provide for you as best as he can. he just wants you to be happy,” megumi nods, but you can see that there’s still something on his mind. 

“it’s just that…when the baby comes, will he still have time for us?” your heart brakes at his statement, guilt shattering you. 

“of course he will. i promise you that he will always have time for you. he can be gruff, but he loves you.” 

“pinky promise?” he holds his little pinky out, and you immediately hook your much larger one around it. 

“pinky promise. now go back to bed. if you’re tired in the morning, let me know and i’ll call you out of school.” he nods, and you walk to the door, turning his light off. 

“sleep tight kiddo.” the door closes with a soft click!, and you immediately head back to your shared bedroom. your face feels wet, and you realize belatedly that you’d been crying. 

the bed is comforting, but you feel your breaths come out shakily. 

“doll? what’s wrong?” you jump, not realizing your husband’s still awake, and scoot in closer. 

“megumi’s worried that you won’t have time for him once the baby comes, and i feel so guilty. i didn’t even think about how this would affect them.” you’re hiccuping now, and his large hand comes to rest on your back. 

“you didn’t do anything wrong, i should be here more for them.” he whispers, and you shake your head. 

“no, you’re just doing what you can to help us.” he sighs, and you place your head on his chest. 

“yeah, but maybe it’s not enough. i’ll try to cut back on how many jobs i take weekly so i can be here more. we make more than enough money between the two of us anyways.” 

you hum, remembering exactly why you fell in love with him all those years ago. he isn’t exactly the most open person, but he does love his kids in his own way. 

“you need to stop being so cute. this isn’t good for my blood pressure,” he snorts, squeezing you lightly. 

“cute, huh? never thought someone would call me cute,” you laugh at him, wrapping your arms around his body. 

“why wouldn’t they? you just ooze cuteness, from your thick biceps and rippling abs-” 

“i’m starting to think you might be in love with me.” you can just hear the grin in his voice, and you move to roll away before one of his strong arms stops you. 

“ah-ah,” he tuts, “need my doll next to me so i can protect her.” 

“you sure you’re not the one in love with me?” his chest is firm as you run your fingers across it. 

“you wish,” he presses a kiss against your temple, and your body heats up. you huff, feigning annoyance, and his hand comes to cup your face. 

“fine. i might be in love with you. just a little bit."

[demonslayerunhinged]

Unhinged theory

Okay so this theory is complete bullshit and doesn't have any merit but I just wanted to get it out of my system.

I wonder why Shizu didn't eat the kids the moment she killed them. Like we know that when you're turned into a demon you're overcome by a hunger so great that you won't be able to think straight.

Like okay, maybe she wanted to finish off Genya before she started feasting but she could have just eaten them, it's not like Genya posed any actual danger and her movements were too calculated like oneshotting all 4 kids including Koto and breaking the lights right before attacking Genya.

So here's my theory, I think Shizu deliberately killed her kids. Why? Because she was tired of them. Y'know how becoming a demon brings out the twisted version of your soul like Akaza's fighting, Dakis obsession with beauty and Gyutaros hatred of humanity, and Hantengu's entire existence? What if Shizu deep down was tired of being a mom? And she low-key resented her kids? What if she was tired of seeing them suffer?

Genya said she was very small but what if in reality she was just very young? Like in her late teens? It's not so out there after all Tamayo is 19 biologically and she had a husband and kids. Shizu could have been 14 or 15 when she had Sanemi.

So this is a young girl, married this older man, probably out of necessity or against her will, and given Kyogo's violence there's a chance that some of the kids were a product of rape.

She's living in poverty, married to an absolute dick of a husband who beats her all while trying to make ends meet and take care of SEVEN kids!

Even for the Taisho era, seven kids is a lot and other people seem to think so too, in the light novel Genya remembers how their landlord's son used to taunt them as 'the poor people with a lot of kids'.

The thing that really cemented this theory for me is the afterlife scene with Sanemi. Her shame. Not sadness or despair but shame. Shame so strong she doesn't even want to alert her kids to her existence and she covers her face and hides when she sees Sanemi. What if that shame stems from guilty? Guilt over her resentment towards her kids?

I'm not saying that Shizu hated her kids, but what if she was just...tired? Tired of being used as a punching bag? Tired of seeing her babies get hurt and go hungry every night? Tired of being treated like dirt and having people make fun of her family? Tired of being judged for circumstances that were out of her control? Tired of struggling? Tired of her life? Tired of everything?

Regarding Sanemi and Genya, I feel like they both have an idealized image of their mother and that's probably why Sanemi refused to accept the knowledge that Nezuko could resist attacking humans by thinking about her family, because then he would have to face the truth that maybe their mother never really loved them? Or that her love wasn't as strong as he thought?

It's a really hard pill to swallow for a lot of us because we don't want to think about the fact that our moms, even if they love us or at least tolerate us, may not have wanted us or may have thought their lives would've been better if they hadn't had us.

This isn't uncommon in real life either. The subreddit r/regretfulparents has over 120k members, then there's this insightful thread where parents who regret having kids share their feelings, there's also experiences from women here and here.

Something to think about. I'm sorry but I feel like the Shinazugawa kids, all they truly had was each other and they didn't know it. They never really stood a chance.

Yea so...

[runninriot]

Four Stockings make a Pair

written for @steddieholidaydrabbles day 24

prompt: Stocking | rated: G | wc: 998 | tags: Eddie & Wayne Munson, single dad Steve, feelings realisation

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | AO3 (+bonus epilogue)

   "Wayne, I'm back! Brought a little surprise for you!" Eddie calls out, feeling just a bit guilty when his uncle happily pokes his head into the hallway only to stop dead in his tracks.

   "How was- Oh. Hey, Robbie!"

Wayne hobbles towards them and, despite leaning heavy on one crutch, opens his free arm for the little girl that runs straight at him.

   "Grandpa Wayne! Why didn't you tell us you hurt your foot? We would've visited you a lot sooner, right dad?"

Something about their interaction makes Eddie's chest feel tight, hits him with a hint of jealousy but also makes his heart grow three sizes because it's nice to know that his uncle has people here that care for him when he's not around.

   "Hey, Wayne. Sorry to barge in like that. We, uh, we met Eddie at the community centre and-"

Watching Steve fumble for his words, awkwardly standing in the doorway like he's feeling caught, is almost too much to handle. But as endearing as it is to watch his pretty face turn pink, Eddie has mercy on him.

   "Robbie and I were craving your famous hot chocolate, so I invited them over."

Wayne shoots him a look that feels like a silent agreement to 'talk about this later' before he turns back to the girl with one of those rare smiles he doesn't give out freely.

   "Is that so? Well, we better make some then. Why don't you two get set in the living room while Robbie and I get on with it. You wanna help me, sweety?"

   "Yesss! Can I, dad?"

When Steve agrees, she takes Wayne's free hand and carefully leads him in the direction of the kitchen while telling him all about her afternoon.

   "We saw Santa today! He was so nice. And we took a picture with him and I told him what I want for Christmas!"

When Eddie and Steve enter the living room, Eddie's eyes immediately fall on the Christmas tree Wayne must've put up while he was gone - so much for resting his leg. Next to the tree, over the fire place, he notices four instead of only two stockings hanging from the mantelpiece and it makes him wonder if maybe Wayne was planning on sharing his little secret, had Eddie not already found out about it today.

It's hard to realise what he missed out on while being too focused on his own life. He could've visited sooner, more often - Wayne keeps telling him it's fine but Eddie still feels bad about only making his way back home twice a year.

   "I'm sorry, Eddie,” Steve starts after a moment of awkward silence, “This must be so weird for you."

   "Nah, you're good. I guess I was just surprised Wayne hasn't told me about it."

   "Maybe he thought you wouldn't approve? I told him we haven't exactly been friends back then, because I was kind of a dick," Steve says bashfully and that startles a laugh out of Eddie.

   "What? No, Harrington. You were fine. Your friends, they were assholes but your only fault was that you were too cool to hang out with someone like me."

Now it's Steve's turn to laugh and it's a beautiful sound Eddie wants to hear more of.

   "Oh, shut up. You were waaay cooler than me!"

This goes back and forth for a while, with them bantering and play fighting with each other like friends, like it's never been any different between them. How it could’ve been all those years ago.

   "So, uh, you and Robbie. Why did you move back to Hawkins? I always imagined you'd make it into the big city, somewhere far away from here."

It's an instant mood killer, Eddie can tell by the way Steve's smile falters and his shoulders drop. But it's too late to take it back and he really wants to know.

   "Uh, you know. Sometimes life doesn’t turn out to be what you wanted it to be. Hawkins seemed like a good idea to get away from... everything. Until I realised that I had no one left here."

There's a sadness in Steve's voice that breaks Eddie's heart. He has to fight the urge to pull him into his arms, doesn’t know if he’s allowed to.

   "Then Wayne kinda... found me. I had just moved back and everything felt wrong. I was ready to just give up but then this stranger came into my life out of nowhere, asked if I needed help and- that's how we ended up becoming fam- friends."

His little slip-up doesn't go unnoticed and it makes Eddie feel all warm inside.

   "Wayne's always had a weak spot for strays,” he jokes, “Took me in when my life was falling apart, too. He's the best. I'm glad he found you."

Eddie reaches out for Steve’s hand, takes it in his. It’s not a hug but he hopes it still offers some comfort.

It should feel strange, to have Steve and his daughter invading in his home, fitting right in where it had always just been Wayne and him. Somehow making it feel... complete.

Making it hard for Eddie not to drown in the flood of emotions resurfacing from where they've been buried for a long time.

He thinks about Robbie's wish and wonders, if there's a universe in which he could be that person.

They let go of their hands when they hear Robbie and Wayne enter.

   "Eddie, look! I made mine with whipped cream. Like yours!"

And, yeah. He's already too deep, he can feel it.

The rest of the day goes by in a haze and when it's time for Steve and Robbie to leave, Eddie isn't ready to let them go.

   "Wanna spend Christmas with us?"

The question is out before he can think it through.

   "If- if that's okay? I don't-" Steve looks at Eddie, seems unsure.

Again, it's Wayne who saves them both.

   "We'd love to have you here."

[anaconamor]

judey thought idea -> ur in the blink of leaving ur bf after he repeatedly treats u wrong, though jude is madly inlove with u and will do anything for u to leave him… xx

“let me guess… he didn’t show up,” you look from your phone seeing jude approaching where you were sat on your phone. jude could see from afar that you had been arguing since due to the aggressive typing and sighs you let out at times. your face with a small frown as you read over the texts you received.

“uhh no. he was busy with work,” you lie offering a smile that jude didn’t believe.

jude scoffed inwardly, scratching his brow before walking and sitting where you were. “everyone is asking for you,” he trailed, seeing how your eyes avoided his gaze and looked towards your group of friends, laughing and talking. the void and guilty feeling resting in your stomach. thinking how the evening was meant to be cheery yet here you were discussing with your boyfriend who didn’t seem to care an ounce about you.

he began the stupid argument, gaslighting into thinking you were not spending time with him and prioritizing your friends rather than him, which was opposite. you begged him over and over to try and see your side, to make time for you, to give you at least attention and love like he once promised. yet all you got from him was being pushed away and force to hide the sadness you felt.

“why are you still with him, y/n…” jude asked softly, grabbing your hand so you could pay attention. this wasn’t new, it was a frequent talk you got tired of, everyone had said to leave him, and it was starting to get to that point. you shrugged your shoulders, looking down to fidget with your rings as you tried to find the correct words to respond. “i’m starting to ask myself that question more often these days,” you crack a smile yet all you could feel was the pang of guilt.

“y/n look at me darling,” jude shifted to you, yet you shook your head and stood up, fixing your clothes and bringing your purse closer to you. “sorry jude, let’s just go back i don’t want to make the night about myself,” you offered yet jude refused, dragging you to a quiet area behind the restaurant. a cozy area where some lights hanged and plants covered some corners. “you can’t keep hurting yourself like this. it’s not fair you feel this way while he loves his life carelessly, acting like you don’t exist!” jude expressed.

“you don’t know him jude-”

“i know him well enough to say what i’m saying. when has he ever tried to get to know us? to put the sacrifices to make you happy? to show and express his love for you? all he knows how to do is hurt you! he manipulates you and you fall for it,” he continued making your waterline brim with tears.

“you think i don’t know, jude!”

“no, i don’t! because look where we are… look at how he treats you… is that really what you want? to live your life miserable with a guy like him? to keep wasting your time on a guy who constantly succeeds into hurting you? he’s not even man enough to face his own fears,” jude lifted your chin, seeing your tear stained face, wiping the small tear from your cheek. you hated crying and feeling this vulnerable infront of people. the hurt in your chest gradually growing as jude’s words kept sinking in.

“why don’t you leave him?”

“it’s not that easy…”

“it is y/n… he’s giving you so many reason yet you still stick with him. you deserve so much more than that. you deserved to be treated and spoiled correctly. not settle for the bare minimum and type of person who will only bring you down. you need someone who’s willing to make those sacrifices to treat you happy and be there for you. a man who’s not afraid of commitment or to show his true appreciation and love toward you. he’s not that…” jude said, feeling the rage rise in his veins at the tortured sight of you.

“you sure seem to know what i need… there’s no like that anywhere i go-”

“that’s where your wrong,” jude had enough. it was no or never. he didn’t care whether this would turn out good or bad. he had to let his feelings out onto the table, to be real and make you see he was her all along. so many months of holding it, holding in the feelings he had just for you. hiding the jealousy he felt to see you with him, the pain when you felt when you were sad and upset, the happiness that shined bright when you spoke amongst yourself quietly.

why on earth were you still with him when he was right there? jude was willing to move heaven and earth to keep you safe, to protect you from him, to shower you with unconditional love and dedication because he wanted and needed to. he hated your boyfriend, he had never felt this way towards a person since it was such a heavy and cruel word. but there was no denying how much he despises a man like him. for his incapability to treat you the way he does.

“what do you mean? what are you trying to say jude?” you sniffled, brows drawn in as you observed jude’s nervous state. “i can be that man… the one you so highly dream about… i’m right here y/n…” jude swallowed the bubble of anxiety as he saw your face contort into surprise and confusion. “there’s only so much i can feel but i know that what i feel for you isn’t a game. it’s so real and powerful…”

was it bad that you got nervous and shy all of the sudden? that now as you stared into his eyes, you could feel butterflies in your tummy swarm around? that his words instead of scaring you, drew you in and wondered for me?

“what? you like me?” you asked in disbelief.

“like? no y/n, more like love you… i have for so long… since we first met, at the bonfire, when we did volunteer work at the school you teach in, when you showed me your sacred spot, when we had cooked and you taught me your famous pasta recipe? it kills me that you’re not mine… that you’re with someone who isn’t me…”

“i-i”

“leave him y/n. you’re much better with out him, let me at least show you what you mean to me…” jude pleaded, your bodies drawing in closer. you felt the air change, the curiosity of trying what seemed impossible growing intensely as you close the space, your back hitting the wall. “jude, we can’t… i’m still with him,” you betray him and yourself, knowing that despite circumstances you couldn’t be unfaithful. no one deserve to go through that. “please y/n…” jude kissed the corner of your mouth, the temptation more than ever for you to close the space.

“give me some time… you deserve it, i promise i’ll do something about it, i will talk to him,” your hand rested in his jaw feeling how he relaxed in your hold, jude’s eyes fluttered shut.

“do something about what? what the fuck is going on here?” your boyfriend appeared.

[hellisharchive]

Heyoooo! You probably know me from messaging you but I wanted to ask if you could write a Vox x Fem!reader where reader just takes care of a really wasted but infatuated Vox?

﹒﹒﹒my queen

➤ 18+, drunk Vox, jealous reader, fluff fluff fluff, bathing

➤ Literally wrote this at 2 am and got done at 3 am, so not beta read <3 TYSM for the request! I hope you enjoy it!. AGAIN HOW THE FUCK DID I ACCIDENTLY POST THIS THIS WAS A DRAFT. I dont like how this turned out tbh

You and Vox were close, but you wouldn't dare say that you two were dating. You did have a small crush on him and was scared that confessing would ruin your fiendship. Little did you know he also had a crush on you as well, it was just unfortunate he was letting his business and brand take importance over his personal life. You were an honorary Vee and his best friend. Sure, Velvette and Valentino were his friends too, but you always got jealous as you watched Val and Vox act in such a romantic way with each other all the time. You always suspected that they were a thing, and even if they didn't have a label, you respected it. So, you always kept your feelings hidden deep down

. But you did need a break, it got so tiring having to watch and hear them act all cute and making sexual advances from the time to time. You've been ignoring Vox for at least two weeks, probably not the best choice but your emotions got the better of you. But tonight, you decided to get out of the tower and have some fun. You went to a pretty well known nightclub- not owned by Vox, a rare occurrence- to let off some steam. Your goal was to get laid by the end of the night with a convenientially attractive stranger, but life doesn't always work out as you want.

Yet, when Vel called you as you were about to get on the dancefloor with a hot bull, you dropped everything to take care of the television that was drowning his sorrows in alcohol. According to her, he kept talking about how he wished he could tell you something and how beautiful you were. You mulled over it as you walked back through the tower in your fancy nightclub dress just an hour earlier. While on your way there, you came across Velvette who looked very pissed off and scrolling through phone in the main living area of the personal living quarters. When she saw you, she flipped you off and rolled your eyes.

"Fucking finally! Vox has been throwing a hissy fit waiting for his queen to come and shut him up. Fuck you for taking so long, he's called me twenty fucking times asking where you were bevause he forgot he changed your contact info!" That was all she said before growling and walking away, signalling that you were going to handle this yourself like normal. You never let what Vel says get to you, that's just how she normally is. But he changed your contact info? What to? You've calmed down a drunken Vox many times before, but this time seemed bad.

"Vox?" You knock and call out before opening his door to find a very wasted man laying on his couch, hiccuping and looking incredibly sad. He was slumped over with a wine bottle in his hand, no wine glass, and the red liquid was spilled all over himself. Wine? Really? He got drunk on wine out of his entire collection? He's usually a fun drunk, cracking jokes and overall being the most funny in the room from the out of pocket shit he says. So seeing him so down makes you feel guilty for ignoring him. But as soon as he looked at you, his face lit up and a smile immediately popped up. He dropped the glass and stood up, trying to rush up to you. However, because he was so inebriated, he started to stumble, which caused you to rush up and catch him from his shoulders.

"My Queen! Where did you go? I missed you my sweet!" The comment about Vel calling you his "queen" you just passed off as Vel being Vel, but now he was calling that you too? Maybe playing into this fantasy would be best, drunk people are never rational and don't know what they're even saying.

"Well my king, I had a very important meeting with another kingdom to attend to. But you requested my presence immediately!" You spoke matter-of-fact as you navigated him to the bathroom, it was hard already with him being unable to properly walk, but he also kept staring at you, so he stepped over his own feet countless times.

"Hehehe...I like when you call me that. YOUR king. I'm your king! How lucky am I?" He giggled and that made your heart beat faster. How lucky was he? What was he talking about? Maybe this was just his drunk self talking, you knew he didn't feel that way, he absolutely had a thing for Val, not you. Gulping, you finally manage to drag him to the bathroom where you sat him on the toilet. He would be so sticky with all that wine that soaked through his clothes, so you were going to bathe him. Sure, getting him in and out his going to be a challenge, but you still cared for this man a lot and wanted the best for him.

"I'm getting you your pjs, do not move ok?" You started to leave the bathroom when he whined loudly, making a swipe for your wrist but missed as he looked at you with puppy eyes. Due to his television screen head, his facial expressions can get extremely animated, unlike normal sinners. His eyes basically took up his entire screen, only leaving a little bit of space for a pout. The sight made your heart ache.

"Don't leave again my lovely queen! I need to tell you something!" Sighing, you gave him a soft smile and walked back up to him. Picking up his hand, you put your other hand on top of his and gave him the most softest smile you muster..

"It is bedtime, my king, you must be bathed before heading to our bed. You can tell me once we retire" Our bed. Saying it made your heart do flips.

"Oookkk my beautiful queen! Hehehe you're so pretty..." He had a dopey smile as you walked away, heart hammering so loud it should have been echoing in the room. He thought you were pretty? Fuck- why does he made you feel this way? You knew that look too, it was a look of complete love. He certainly couldn't love you though, that has to be impossible. He was with Val, he had to be. Going on autopilot, you gather up his favorite pyjamas and mentally prepare yourself for going back into the flames. When you get back, he was still sitting on the toilet, giggling and staring ahead as he was talking to himself about how in love with him he was.

What?

He was drunk, he was drunk, he was drunk- why couldn't you even entertain the idea of him returning your feelings? Why was it so hard to accept that fact? Taking a deep breath, you walk into the room and he lights up again.

"My queen! Are thou ready to bathe me? You got my favorite pjs! And you have an amazing ass! There's a reason why I married you!" Freezing once again, you ignoring his comment about your ass in luei of the last thing he said. Married...you? Did Vox think you two married each other? The thought made you shiver and face warm with how amazing that sounded. Being officially tied to him forever, waking up with him together, and getting to love him forever. Standing up after finishing setting the dials to the right temperature, you looked at him and now needed to know more.

"And why else did you marry me my dear?" Battting your eyelashes with the most innocent face you could gather, you started to stip him of his clothes. You've seen him naked a handful of times which always made you incredibly flustered, but undressing him? It made you nervous, especially with how he's acting towards you.

"You're the beeeeest, like, THE best! You're so pretty and gorgeous and have SUCH a hot bod! But you're so so sweet and amazing and help me with everything!" Did he...did he actually love you? Was whatever he was doing with Val was nothing? Shakily manging to get him completely undressed, you stood him up to maneuver him into the large tub. Not trusting yourself to say anything more, you gently lay him down in the perfectly warm water and start lathering him up. You also never bathed him before, so your nerves were going to overdrive. He took your silence and silenced himself too, maybe he somehow knew you were really anxious right now. Taking great care in not getting water on his head, you see as his face turned from a happy one, to a somber one.

The rest of the process of getting him out, drying him off, changing into his pjs, and moving him to his bed was deadly quiet. You felt like you would be breaking some unsaid rule. Tucking him into bed, you left a glass of water and painkillers on his nightstand, turning off the big light and turning on the lamp. Sitting down next to his curled up body, you rubbed his back and felt conflicted. He's drunk as balls. He probably won't remember any of this. Getting up and saying goodnight, he yells for you one last time.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what I did wrong but I'm sorry. Is it Val? We aren't anything serious. I was too scared to tell you because you're so beautiful and I didn't want you to leave me. I love you" Vox looked down at his lap with a sullen expression. Heart hurting for the countless time today, you gave him a kiss on his screen and turned away with a smile

"Tell me when you're sober"