#it just feels so cathartic to see so much queer joy

[theatre-heathen]

Started at 2am, and just now finished up (6:30am) on Heartstopper S2 and OH MY GOD. There’s a good thing we’ve got a few days till RWRB left because I think I blacked out and need to recover. I will be rewatching every episode in excruciating detail because I’m fairly sure my first watch consisted of me flailing in queer joy too much to catch everything going on. God my face hurts from smiling so much 😭😭

[ladyloveandjustice]

My Favorite Books I Read in 2023

I read a ton of good novels last year- 36 in all (and uh, 78 manga/graphic novels, but we'll examine that in another post). Here's a link to my Goodreads year in books (the manga is at the beginning, the novels start with Siren Queen) and my storygraph wrap up.  

I reread a ton of Discworld this year, and it's as spectacular as ever. But what about new reads?

Well, here are my favorite books I read in 2023!

In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado

This is an autobiographical memoir about the abusive relationship the author went through with her ex-girlfriend. It's absolutely gut-wrenching, and at times, achingly beautiful. Machado uses the house she shared with her girlfriend, which she calls the "dream house", as a back drop. It's a place she always wanted and also a place she became trapped in, Machado's language is beautiful as she explores the relationship from different lenses-- The Dream House as Lesbian Cult Classic, the Dream House as Noir, the Dream House as Creature Feature, the Dream House as Stoner Comedy....All facets of the relationship are explored in a way that grips you by the throat and makes you remember everyone who ever tried to suffocate you-- but it also explores the hard work of moving on, of picking up the pieces, of living and embracing tenderness along with hardship.

I especially related to Machado's struggle to talk about abuse between queer lovers because of her fears of giving homophobes more ammunition...and when she says "we deserve to have our wrongdoing represented as much as our heroism, because when we refuse wrongdoing as a possibility for a group of people, we refuse their humanity", I felt that deeply.

This wasn't just one of my favorite books this year, it goes on the list of all-time favorite books. I wish I had this kind of writing style. I'll be returning to this again and again.

Zachary Ying and the Dragon Emperor by Xiran Jay Zhao

A middle-grade novel about a Chinese-American teen who feels a bit alienated from his heritage, which becomes a bit of an issue once he finds out the First Emperor of China has possessed his A.R. Gaming Headset. Now he needs to close a portal to the underworld with the help of other kids possessed by emporers.

This was a whole lot of fun, and often quite poignant. I was unsure if I could really enjoy middle-grade books as an adult, and this absolutely proves I can. There's a lot of really interesting Chinese history blended with action-packed fantasy, and exploration of the complicated feelings a kid can have about their own heritage . The dynamic between Zachary and Qin Shi Huang was so entertaining with the Emperor being villainous, heroic, charismatic, detestable-- and Zachary realizing how his complicated feelings about him mirror his relationship with his culture at large. There was also a lot of fun with other historical figures, and Xiran's take on Wu Zetian is a joy. (Also, if you like Yu-Gi-Oh!, you'll probably like this, since Xiran says it was one of their influences).

Camp Damascus by Chuck Tingle

Rose is young woman who's raised in a fundamentalist Christian household, and she's a devout, obedient daughter. But some weird things are happening. She's seeing a terrifying demon everywhere, insects are coming out of her mouth....and she's possibly having feelings about other girls. What's going on?

Yes, this is by the Chuck Tingle who makes all those Tinglers. But THIS one... will make you tingle with fear! It's a great horror novel! It's skin-crawlingly creepy at times, but also does a great job digging into how fundamentalist dogma harms queer people, and the hypocrisy of such beliefs. The conversion camp aspect is handled tastefully, and overall it was a great spooky read that's also ultimately very affirming, cathartic, and hopeful.

Qualia the Purple by Hisamitsu Ueo

You might go into this thinking it's just a quirky yuri light novel about a schoolgirl and her crush who sees everyone around her as robots (like literally, when she looks at someone she sees a robot instead of a human). But it quickly becomes surreal queer psychological horror steeped in absolutely wild applications of quantum mechanics and thought-provoking time travel.  Some of the quantum mechanics  exposition dumps were a bit much but I deeply enjoyed having my mind cracked open by this book. 

It's one of the most interesting takes of time loop stories I've seen. But it definitely covers a lot of rough subject matter, including a relationship with a serious age gap and extremely messed up relationships, so be cautious if you have triggers.

Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield

This book follows Miri, whose wife goes missing on a deep-sea submarine mission for six months. Miri thought her wife dead, but she miraculously returns one day...but her wife has changed. She's like a stranger. She may have bought the horrors of the sea home with her.

This is a gripping exploration of grief and loss combined with a delicious, slow horror that creeps under your skin. There's excellent Lovecraftian and body horror elements to the novel, but it works very effectively as a metaphor for a loved one going through trauma, and a relationship starting to crumble because everything seems different. A moment that really stuck out to me is when Miri copes with her wife's disappearance by frequenting an online community where women roleplay as wives with husbands missing in space. The way the online drama of the community interacted with her grief was  both funny and heartbreaking. 

This is another example of a book that makes me deeply jealous with its lyrical writing, and another one for the ever-lengthening all time favorites list.

Otherside Picnic Volume 8: Accomplices No More by Iori Miyazawa

The latest entry in a series about two girls exploring an alternate dimension full of creepypasta monsters, while also falling in love with each other. See my other reviews here and here.

This volume has the payoff to a lot of careful character work and relationship building, and it was completely satisfying. In fact, it was...show-stopping. Spectacular.  Incredible. I loved the exploration of how love, sex, and romance are so different for different people and it's impossible to put it in neat boxes. The frank and messy conversation our leads have about their relationship was perfect and so was that absolutely  bonkers, wonderful finale. This is another one for the all times favorite list, and I loved it so much I wrote a extremely long review/recap here. 

Queer Ducks (and Other Animals): The Natural World of Animal Sexuality by Eliot Schrefer

This was a well-researched, well-crafted, easy to read book that explores queerness (mainly homosexuality, bisexuality, trans and genderfluid expressions in animals, and even the question of if and how animals can related to gender) in the animal kingdom. Though it's definitely aimed at teens, I learned a lot from it (who knew female bonobos were such life goals) and it presented its information in a fun way. It included some interesting examinations of how proof of homosexuality and bisexuality in animals was historically suppressed and filtered through homophobic assumptions. If you want to learn a little animal science in an accessible format, definitely check this out.

Night’s Edge by Liz Kerin

The story follows Mia, a woman in her 20's living with her vampire mother. Her whole life revolves around not drawing suspicion towards her Mom. She also has to make sure to feed her Mom some of her blood every night--lest her mother fall back in with her abusive boyfriend and start hunting humans.  But when Mia meets a cute girl, she starts to dream of living her own life...

It was a really interesting use of vampirism as a metaphor for both living with a parent struggling with addiction and having an abusive parent. It's just a well-told, heartwrenching tale that got deep into the character's mindsets. I thought the ending was bit abrupt and rushed, but it did make more sense once I realized this was the first in a duology. It's a fascinating take on vampires, and I'm interested in seeing more.

The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi by Shannon Chakraborty

This novel follows a middle-aged Muslim female pirate living around the Arabian Peninsula. She's supposed to be in retirement, but wouldn't you know it, she's lured in for one last job! I she rescues a kidnapped girl,  she'll have all the riches she needs to set her family up for life. So Amina begins her adventure of fighting demons and monsters and ex-husbands. But the job might not be all it seems.

This novel is full of all the entertaining swashbuckling action and shenanigans that any pirate story should have. It's a rollicking good time, and feeds my craving for middle aged women going on quests and kicking ass. Amina's journey is a fun, wild ride full of dynamic characters and interesting mythology!

Yellowface by R.F. Kuang

Juniper is friends with a successful Chinese-American author, Athena Liu, and has always been deeply jealous of her. When Athena dies in front of her, Juniper decides to steal her manuscript rooted in Chinese history and claim it as her own. But plagiarism might catch up with her...

This is a strong example of a book I thought was really well-done, but one I'm probably never going to read again. The way it depicted Twitter drama is just too accurate and I got anxiety. It did such a good job putting you in Juniper's awful shoes so you can feel the pressure close in along with her. The book's commentary on the insidious racism of the publishing industry was effective, and it made a horrible character's journey fascinating to follow. I was so intrigued yet anxious I had to force myself to finish the last few pages.

Bonus read:

Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldtree

A very cute novel about an orc named Viv who decides to retire from the violent life of a bounty hunter and run a coffee shop instead. She ends up getting a lot of assistance from a succubus named Tandri...and my, is that a slow-burn coffee shop romance brewing? This book reminds me a lot of various cozy slice-of-life anime, and it's nice to be getting more of that feeling in book form. I wish there was a little more specific to the fantasy world rather than making it a coffee shop that line up 1 to 1 to a modern day shop, but it was definitely a sweet read.

[vaguely-concerned]

GARASHIR FICS I HAVE LOVED RECENTLY

That’s right it’s fic recs o’clock baby! 

This Be The ‘Verse series by Vermin_Disciple

If the end of the show hurt you, this is a soothing balm to ease that pain, and in such smart and enjoyable ways. There are more ensemble-focused installments as well as more Garashir & Cardassia ones, and they all rule. This is technically kid!fic, but I implore you to check it out even if that’s not normally your thing, it really is that good and it’s Playing Around with the form in some ways you might not expect. The first fic in the series, This Be The Verse, sets the stage for how all the characters end up post-show. Tell Me You See Me is set earlier in the timeline, and has an amazing suspense/mystery plot going through it as well as a really interesting exploration of Julian’s relationship with his mother, on top of all the wonderful Garashir stuff, and A Bag Full of God is a *chef’s kiss* perfect deployment of deaging as a trope to examine character development and relationships. Also incredibly funny, in the best and most character-affirming of ways. 

In general I have loved every single fic by this author I’ve had the privilege to read, so just go forth and devour it all and I hope you have as good a time as I did!  

Too Wise To Woo Peaceably series by TakePenAndInk

I hadn’t thought I’d ever be interested in a full human!AU DS9 fic, and never in my LIFE have I been so ecstatic to be proven completely wrong! The pacing of character— and relationship development is immaculate, the prose in general and Garak POV voice in particular is so deeply charming, and it has one of the best and most painful deployments of The Little Julian That Lives In Garak’s Head I’ve ever seen. Add in astonishingly well-written, stupendously well-characterized sex scenes with so much emotional depth and joy and intensity in them, and this is one of the best experiences I’ve had with reading in general in a long, long time. 

primary, secondary by robnauts 

This fic does such cool and interesting things with the epistolary format, and also goes ham on a part of the worldbuilding of Cardassian society that’s always weirdly skirted away from in the canon itself — how queerness would fit into the whole ‘family above all (except the state let’s not get excited here)’ idea. Absolutely nails the tone of Garak’s ‘writing voice’, and builds the other characters so skillfully too. Had me crying like a baby by the end, extremely cathartic.

TL;DR you wanna have feelings about Garashir and the field of queer history? Because you’re gonna and it’s fucking great!!!

[newpathwrites]

In honor of pride month and in an effort to promote queer rep in fandom, I'm going to post a few of the queerest excerpts from my fics throughout the month.

Here I give you:

Din coming out to Omera in my mandomera fic A New Creed. Din is also demi in this fic which is hinted at here, as well.

————————————————————

“You’re thinking loudly, love.  Anything you’d like to share?”

He looked at her strangely then, almost like he was nervous - a rare state for him.  “Uhhh… there’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you… but I wasn’t sure if…”  He paused as if gathering his wits and then pressed on with a bit more confidence.  “I told Jai that I’d never had feelings for anyone else before you… but it’s not true.”

Omera wasn’t exactly surprised by this information, though it was unexpected.  Sure, Din had always insinuated that he’d not had any other romantic relationships in his life, but they hadn’t met until they were already middle aged with a lifetime of prior experiences under their belts.  Of course there were probably others.  Omera had a husband in her past who she had loved dearly, and she’d told Din quite a lot about him.  Why would Din be so nervous about sharing this with her?

“He was my best friend… as a child on Aq Vetina…”

If Omera was shocked to learn that Din had once loved a boy, she didn’t show it.  She simply smiled at him warmly as she so often did when he shared something new about himself.  “Tell me about him.”

And so he told her everything he could remember. 

He and the boy next door had become fast friends when their mothers started a communal garden on the patch of land between their two homes, and they quickly grew attached.  And though it was the innocent kind of love typical of youth, it was very much real.  The two boys spoke often of getting married one day and tending a garden of their own.  Had they both survived the attack on their settlement, maybe they would have done just that.  Din would never know.

As Din got older and never developed such feelings for anyone else, he wondered if this Mandalorian version of himself simply wasn’t built for romantic relationships… or if maybe that boy was meant to be the one great love of his life… and that Din’s only chance at happiness died with him on Aq Vetina.

It was cathartic, really, to speak out loud what this boy had meant to him after so many years holding him only in memory - and to know that his wife understood and accepted it so tacitly… that was liberating.  He’d kept this from her for so long.

His fingers slipped through her hair as he spoke, lips brushing the top of her head.  “I never looked at anyone that same way again until you.”  It had happened slowly as they’d become closer, and it had taken him by surprise when it finally manifested itself in his conscious awareness.  He hadn’t thought he was capable of falling in love again. 

“Well, I’m glad you did,” Omera replied softly.  “Do you think about him a lot?”

Din nodded, a sad smile turning somewhat brighter.  “Winta reminds me of him sometimes… with her well-intentioned schemes… spreading joy and happiness everywhere she goes…. He was like that, too.”

“Thank you for telling me about him, sweetheart.  I know it’s hard for you to talk about your childhood.”  

He kissed the top of her head in response, and she hugged him tighter.   “You make it easier.”

“Can I ask you something personal?”  She lifted herself off his torso and swiveled to face him as he gestured for her to continue with that trademark tilt of his head.  “So have you been intimate with both women and men?”

There it was again - the fear .  She could see it in his face, but he’d already decided to tell her everything it seemed.  “Yes… I don’t have a gender preference… on the very rare occasions I indulged, anyway.”  He met her eyes before adding cautiously, “Does that bother you?”

She reassured him gently with a hand to his heart and a soft smile.  “How could I not love something that’s part of who you are?”

All of his fears dissolved in that moment.  Dank farrik , this woman never ceased to amaze him.  “I’m honestly not sure why you love me in the first place… but I thank the Maker for it daily.”

Omera leaned forward to kiss him softly.  “You don’t ever have to be afraid to talk to me… about anything .”

“I know,” he replied quietly.  “I love you, Omera.  Thank you… for being you.”

“I love you, too, Din - every part.  Don’t ever doubt it.”

————————————————————

[astral-mariner]

6 - 15 - 24 - 30 Questions ask ;0

6. What's the best/worst part of being online/a creator?

The absolute BEST part of being online as a creator is getting to connect with other creators. Other creative souls who care just as much as the things that mean so much to you. Who themselves create things that bring you joy, make you cry cathartic tears. People who understand the creative process, the NEED to create. It's not just other creators, though. It's also people who engage with the things you create. The people who tell you that what you created meant something to them, moved them in some way, however small. Little bits of human connection. I personally put so much of my soul into my creative projects that, when someone sees even a little of those very real emotions, I feel seen and understood in a way I have very rarely felt in my life. One of the reasons I am creative at all was because I was lonely and had no one to turn to for various reasons. I used art to process my grief over the world being so purposelessly unkind. Not just to me, but generally. Why do bad things have to happen? Why do the people who should love us hurt us instead? And most of my art meditates on answers to those questions and shows characters fighting to find meaning in spite of their circumstances. As for the worst part... It's hard to say because I think of it as mostly positive. Perhaps just that being vulnerable is scary sometimes. And that people are just as likely to misunderstand you online as they are IRL. But online, there's at least the advantage that the people who are engaging with your stuff have often intentionally sought it out, so they are more likely to approach it in good faith. Perhaps, then, the worst aspect of creating online is that those connections you form with other creators and people who find meaning in your content often are so far away, lol. Sometimes I'd like to actually be present with people in a way that's not mediated by art. I very often neglect my real life relationships and responsibilities because my art is where I feel most alive...and I wish that my creative connections were more integrated in my day to day interactions. Fun fact: everyone I've ever dated has met me through my art, and I don't think that's by coincidence at all.

15. What do you think of when you hear the word "home?"

This answer will be somewhat sad... Because I don't think of any one place out here in reality. Literally the first thing that came to mind when I asked myself this question was an empty field on the edge of a wilderness. The sun is setting, the wind is blowing, and I'm standing there by myself. I very often go on long hikes alone to Brood, and I think this has something to do with it. My blood relatives rejected me for being queer. I was sheltered in a religious extremist community and didn't make many friends growing up. I had undiagnosed autism and anxiety, among other things, that I never got help for until I was an adult (and this was not entirely anyone's fault---there was far less awareness of those things in the early 90s, and even adults trying to do their best didn't have the resources to provide effective support). I've experienced a number of traumatic events that have made it hard to trust people and form connections. So at the end of the day...where I feel most "at home" is by myself. Even if it's a coping mechanism. Sometimes feeling comfortable and safe around other people feels so foreign and strange, like I'm an alien visiting from another planet. Even if I really want to connect with others deep down. (I think that's a big reason why I connect to Vegeta trying to adjust to life on Earth after Freeza is gone.)

24. What's one thing you're proud of yourself for?

I'm really proud of myself for getting as far as I have on my Saiyans under Freeza story, honestly. It's the longest creative project I've attempted, and it's close to being finished. I will likely be over 160k words when it's done, and it's the culmination of years and years of thoughts and feelings. I've written other novel-length pieces before, but this easily my most ambitious project.

30. What's one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

Music. Even if it's dark, heart-wrenching stuff. There's just something so moving about it. Being able to engage with things that remind you that other people have felt the way that you do and have used those feelings to create something of beauty. In particular, I love music that is nevertheless somehow beautiful, meditative, and melodic despite being harsh. Favorite genres include classical, goth/darkwave, black metal. An Example:

[notquitedeadpod]

Hello just wanted to say love everything going on in this podcast, just, on every level. The vampire lore is everything to me, love the way the monstrous and the alluring intertwine (and are also the same thing). Neige in particular is. Very important to me. The way he's (from what I've gathered so far) legitimately not tired of life after having so much of it? How even if he's having trouble staying in the moment he still cherishes the new, enjoys and dislikes things with his entire heart? As someone who struggles with letting itself enjoy life seeing this guy who's been around for thousands of years and is like "zis entire life thing is great and my capacity for joy in infinite" just. Warms my heart? And of course vampires are very much about queerness in here, but the way Neige refuses to let himself wallow in self pity, to not enjoy his life despite the difficulties of it (or to deny the fact that he's alive) is also Doing Things for me from a chronic illness perspective. And yeah, the queerness perspective of course. Fun aside fact I am very, very asexual and I think your funky vampires helped me conceptualize desire better? I don't get attraction but I do get hunger and they're basically the same thing maybe. When a guy gives you that garlic bread sort of feeling. Fascinating. Anyways thank you for making Neige a guy that exists! Really appreciate all the creatures happening in your head and that you elected to share them with the world <3

<3 <3 <3

This was such a wonderful message to receive, thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this with me. It's such an incredible thing to have made something that resonates with other people, and it's so powerful to hear about the place my little creation has in your life!

One thing I want to reflect on here, specifically, is what you said about Neige. For very different reasons, this aspect of him, where he continues to choose to live, is deeply important to me in a very similar way. Neige's life has not been easy. He's been around for so long and the world has not been kind to him during all of those many years, but he continues to choose to live, and most importantly, to me, he's living NOT because he thinks that the bad times are over, but because he knows that the GOOD times aren't over, either.

There is something very cathartic for me to write a character who isn't wildly optimistic, isn't filled with spite about it, but who looks at life and all it has to offer, and all of what it has offered already, and says yes. All of that, good and bad? More of it, please.

Yeah, idk. It means a lot to me to write about it, that I'm able to, that it's resonating with other people when I do.

Also YES the sexual desire vs hunger thing is fascinating because this show is VERY about exploring that connection, about love and consumption and dependency and like. Idk. Vampires overall just represent something powerful to me about desire and yearning and hunger.

I will speak at some point (which is why the second part of the Q&A STILL isn't out, btw, it began to CONSUME me) about vampires as alienated bodies, how that relates to the vampire x human and vampire x vampire dynamics I explore in the show, and like. More broadly about connections between monstrousness and carnal desire and consumption. These connections fascinate me are very much things I'm super alive to when I'm writing the show so!! Very fun to think about!!

--- Eira xxx

[pastel-sorrow]

i do not how to explain how painfully cathartic it is for me a 17 year old chubby gay trans boy to see gay teen boys on screen in a way that isn’t sexualized or fetishized. they are just two teenage boys in love who also happen to make out and have sex, but your focal point is always the hard conversations they have to have, the comfort they offer to one another, simply loving each other.

in all my years i’ve never seen a teen couple last, disney shows broke up their couples all the time and spent no time making them in depth characters, and other shows sexualized most teen relationships(ie. shows like euphoria). i grew up thinking teen romances had to be sexual and short.

finishing season two i was filled with young queer joy in a way i never had been before, i was excited to be a teen boy and to be in love with my partner. i was filled with so much more excitement for our anniversary because it’s my first really long term relationship. i finally want to present more masculine because of heartstopper and i don’t feel like stopping because of my body.

Heartstopper has made me love being alive in a way i never have been before, i want the world to know that i am here and i am queer.

[denimbex1986]

SHAPIRO: The new movie "All Of Us Strangers" is a love story where something feels slightly unreal. Adam and Harry, played by Andrew Scott and Paul Mescal, appear to be the only two people living in a high-rise building in London. And what are the chances? Both of them are gay, single, attractive, kind and wounded. You can't help but wonder, is this a metaphor or some kind of fairy tale?

ANDREW HAIGH: I always saw it as allegory, as fable, as a trip through his subconscious, whatever it might be. But at the same time, I still wanted it to feel grounded in some reality.

SHAPIRO: Andrew Haigh is the film's writer and director. He has told stories about queer joy before - the movie "Weekend," the TV show "Looking" - but "All Of Us Strangers" is a different kind of story.

HAIGH: I think it was always a film about someone trying to escape loneliness rather than be - wanting to stay within it. And I think all of our decisions sort of came around, like, what does it feel like to be alone? And then what does it feel like to be intimate again with someone? What does it feel like to connect?

SHAPIRO: It's also a very personal story. Andrew Haigh told me he filmed the scenes where Adam reconnects with his parents in the house where the director spent his own childhood.

HAIGH: It was just another example of wanting to somehow just feel really deeply connected to the material. And if this was a story about someone going back into his past, it felt like I had to go back into mine at the same time. So it was a strange environment to be shooting in - you know, scenes in my old parents' bedroom or scenes in my bedroom, you know, kind of recreating how that used to feel.

SHAPIRO: Did anyone on set ever say, why are we doing this in the home that your parents used to live in?

HAIGH: (Laughter) They would basically be like, are you insane? Like, why would you do this? Why would you put this - put yourself through this? And occasionally, people would come up to me and be like, are you OK? This must be very strange for you. You know, like the scene between him and his dad when they sort of come to terms with some things. That's, you know, in my old front room. But it was - you know, it was cathartic, if I'm honest. Like, it was cathartic. I think as you get older - I'm 50 now, so the idea of going backwards to see where the rest of your life should be is quite interesting.

SHAPIRO: I mean, if you don't mind my asking, were you OK? What was it like for you?

HAIGH: I didn't have a particularly happy childhood, no. I mean, I certainly wasn't a happy kid. My parents split up when I was young, and I was coming to terms with my sexuality. And, you know, this is the '80s. It's not the best time to come to terms with your sexuality back then. So, yeah, I was a troubled kid, let's say.

SHAPIRO: And so the experience of revisiting these incredibly intimate scenes in the room that you, as a child, were in, I mean, what did that feel like?

HAIGH: Yeah, it was just - it was powerful, I guess. And I think, you know, the film is so much about, like, the pain that we keep buried. Like, and that can be from big or small trauma. That can be from loss and from grief, but it can be from something a father might have said to his son when he was young, or something a mother might have said, or something they heard on the television. Whatever it might be, there's so many things that can cause trauma in us as we go through our lives. And I think it is about, like, staring them in the face sometimes and, like, trying to excavate that pain in order to sort of find some liberation. And so being back in my house was - sort of helped that. It really did. It kind of - it's like I couldn't escape it.

SHAPIRO: One theme that comes up in the film is something that I think all gay men of a certain age have in common. You, Andrew Scott, the actor, and I are all within five years of each other in age. And growing up gay in the '80s and '90s, for the most part, meant being told that you would likely be lonely, bullied, ostracized and probably die of AIDS before your parents were old enough to retire. This is something that Andrew Scott's character tells his younger boyfriend, where Adam says, for a long time he wasn't into sex. Andrew Haigh, what kind of legacy did it leave for you to survive to see the other side of that?

HAIGH: Look, I think it's so - because the world has moved on so much, let's say, and things are very, very different. It's easy to forget how we actually used to feel in that time. I mean, I was terrified for 15, 20 years, you know what I mean? And growing into my sexuality in the shadow of AIDS and in the shadow of really intense homophobia, I genuinely thought that my life would not be possible, that I would never find love. And if I did find love or I found anybody, I would probably die. And I think that's a horrendous thing for a generation of people to carry around with them. And I think it's important to remember that that is how we felt because it doesn't go away. It's still there, embedded within us. And I think for a younger generation, they may think on that with slight surprise that that's what we had to kind of go through and feel. But I think it had a huge legacy on a whole generation of gay men especially, and they are still dealing with it every day. They're still trying to kind of get rid of the shame that they felt and the terror that they felt growing up in that time.

SHAPIRO: Did you and Andrew Scott talk about how growing up in that stew affected each of you differently, and how it affected his character, Adam?

HAIGH: We definitely talked about it. I think the great thing about when you sit down with someone that's also gay and of a certain generation, you barely need to say anything because you understand that you have a very shared experience. It doesn't matter where you live. It doesn't matter if you're in America or if you're in the U.K. You have that shared experience of growing up at that time. So of course we talked about it, and we did talk about how it still affects us now in small ways that you don't quite realize, how that kind of shame can suddenly bubble up again or that fear can suddenly bubble up again, even though you think you've got past it and moved on. And so for Adam, it was such a fascinating thing because he's going back to meet his parents, but he's also going back to meet himself in a certain time. So he's being reminded of so many things that have been buried within him.

SHAPIRO: So you describe the process of making this film as cathartic, and I'm curious if you can tell us more about what was the before and what was the after? Like, what have you left behind and where are you now, if that's the right way to characterize it?

HAIGH: Yeah. I think what I wanted the film to be was compassionate to everybody. So I wanted it to be compassionate to people who have gone through an experience of, say, growing up gay and saying, listen, I understand what that feels like. This is my version of that story. But I also wanted it to be compassionate towards parenting and how difficult that can be and how you are a product of your time. And you learn and you change and you grow. And I think in a strange sense, I've managed to sort of forgive a little bit - forgive myself for being angry and unhappy at times, forgive my parents for not saying the right things always. And so I feel like that's been quite cathartic to me. And also, I suppose, understanding on a deeper level kind of even what I think about love and what I think love is about, and how I think it's about being there for someone else almost more than it is them being there for you. And I think the film has really helped me understand the connection between parental love and romantic love and how so closely entwined they are.

SHAPIRO: Andrew Haigh directed the new movie "All Of Us Strangers." Thank you so much for talking with us about it.

HAIGH: Thank you. Thank you very much.'

[dragon-appreciator-fray]

I think I just finished writing the most emotionally cathartic piece of writing I have ever put myself through?

I have made myself genuinely upset.

The lengths I went through to twist kind words into something that serves a religious viewpoint more than the tangible person right in front of you someone is claiming to want to help.

It sucks that I feel like I have to outgrow my first creative expressions created while coming out as trans.

But I can't help but see Dungeons and Dragons and 1st Edition Pathfinder as incredibly fucked up settings that there is just no place for me to really feel like I can express myself unless I am burning those settings to the ground.

There is just... something so much better beyond the next few pages that I will write.

Fuck who is right or wrong.

Fuck who is likely to live or die.

I want you to focus instead on how the most expressive these characters will ever be is when they have chosen violence.

I love Astraea dearly. But I have contextualized her words in such a way that you should probably hate her right now.

And yet this next chapter is going to show her in the state where she is most euphoric.

Cerya deserves a better world than the one I have confined her to.

But this is the one she has and is willing to fight for.

I probably deserve to be charging more than $2 with the way the country I am living in is headed.

But I'll be fine.

I'll fucking deal with it and thrive within oppressive systems like I always have.

It's probably so much of why Ayre speaks to me.

Anyway, the next three week's chapters are available for early access only on my patreon. Everything else is available on Scribblehub or available via pdf and epub on the Patreon.

My stories will forever remain free in some form or another. Even if the sites I post them on go poof, I'll find some way to share them with the world because this is what brings me the most joy to spend my time doing.

If I did not have to slave away to prop up Capifalism under the penalty of being denied food, hosing, and meds, I would do nothing but write epic fantasy create art for queer people who defy categorization to find themselves in.

Being a patron for early chapters is all I feel comfortable asking for.

What I want more than anything else is to know what my writing meant something to people.

And already I have seen a few absolutely share my vision.

Ayre is my miserable would-be-machiavellian Vampire Prince who shares a body with their Dead Sister that has given them incredible body dysphoria.

Surrounding themselves with moon elves, foxkin, dolls with limited agency, and a succubus, Ayre is the character I am using to work through finding self worth and reasons to build trust with other people even when in an environment that demands you diminish and compromise who you are.

[fairly-curtain]

Glass Onion - I Love it. Watch it pls. now here’s my rant.

(Glass onion spoilers) theres something so cathartic about watching billionaires go out in flames, and their dignity being publicly destroyed. As a huge murder mystery fan, the Glass Onion was a movie I was very excited to see, (its the sequel of Knives Out!!), and murder mysteries are amazing okay—, the spicy mystery, plot twist, funky suspense, and satisfaction style of them was ever present in the movie, for me to sink my teeth into. what I didn’t expect was for it to deliver me the same hearty satisfaction I derive from watching Elon Musk make a fool of himself as he derails twitter. Its some👌good stufff

I wasn’t ever a twitter user, and my twitter knowledge all comes from social media aus on ao3. But the joy i feel at seeing Muskrat suffering, as he clambers for public gratification on the website he owns, and proceeds to fail miserably is so euphoric. And Glass Onion, it just has that same joy of watching someone you hate immensely be utterly destroyed, and have their own words twisted on them as they cannot escape the horror of their own creation.

I also didn’t expect the amogus. I’m dying. Im so happy we got an amogus appearance. It was even foreshadowing for the end of the movie as well??? And ALSO was world building for the 2020 earlier pandemic setting bro. Im dying. I love among us, and the other games mentioned, bc they are so fun to play with friends. They know their audience, their audience is me. Amogus is my lifeblood. Queer detective playing among us ? Yes. Yes pls. 0-0 All the characters are so fun to look at, but the main characters both go so hard for different reasons. Bless Helen/Andi, and Blanc. They have a permanent space in my brain now.

Also, slightly disheartened bc I saw a post about the first 20 minutes being boring, and im so sad bc that was such a juicy 20 minutes and thats such under-appreciation of this crucial part of ‘setting the scene’. It was done really craftily, the foreshadowing and most importantly world building and characterisation (ie. the masks) just making for the meat of the movie. Ive had to deal with the idea that maybe people were not expecting a murder mystery, but a more action-esque movie, and so if you can’t deal the set up in this movie, murder mysteries probably arent for you. There is too much necessary to build up, and this movie did it so well, that if you don’t like it at its best...well. The huge fireworks of gold top tier everything plot that just blow up later in the movie are sparked by this 20 minutes, you couldnt have an impactful conflict without this. And also I love me some terrible rich people that are unapologetically awful because its a murder mystery, and a Knives out Sequel, you aren’t going to watch those rich annoyances anything but suffer later.

Final notes: so glad that that random dude on the island, did end up being a red herring and had no involvement in anything, love him for that.

[thearcadiadidsystem]

*Disclaimer: I do not want to take away from the Jewish community by my addition and if OP @starlightomatic wants me to make a new post I will. The thoughts were simply too complex to leave in the tags.

--------

"Just one more... reminder I’m not part of the majority: I’m an exception to the given social rule."

Queer, neurodivergent, disabled and otherwise othered solidarity.

---------

As someone with DID the feelings vacillate to an extreme degree so this is all layered.

We have shifted our belief system strongly away from christian mythology to agnostic atheist but grew up immersed in the evangelical christian culture and were indoctrinated, this is such an important post.

Over the years we have started to celebrate the Winter Solstice instead of Christmas. It brings us peace when we can just "be" instead of reliving the trauma every year.

We cannot say we don't incorporate some nostalgic traditions (baking cookies, the tree, a few carefully selected films) but our focus is on our loved ones and celebrating the return of the sun. Max's partner hates gifts so we skip that entirely; although he does like to write her a reflective letter.

It is hard to see all the Christmas things I (Kitty) associated with joy be confronted with the reality of the traumatic past. Therapy and redirecting has been cathartic but not easy.

There's guilt around still incorporating a few Christmas traditions right along with the tinges of nostalgia and the peace we are allowing ourselves to feel even while we reject core beliefs of our past.

Yule/the Winter Solstice is a way to keep the feelings of love and peace we need during the darkest of the nights. Embracing some pagan beliefs has helped me personally; although I don't know how much I want to practice.

I feel for all of those who are othered during this time. A special highlight to anyone who is estranged from family. Whatever you do during the season, I wish you peace.

Stay safe and well.

- Kitty Lowell-Sterling (@pink-unicorns)

@thearcadiadidsystem @thisismaxsblog @vampireonleft @friendlyneighbourhooddemonblog @prettyprettypegasus23 @lisascabin

The irony is that secular Christmas was supposed to be a solution for a multicultural America where there’s no state religion or required observance. But a watered-down version of Jesus’s so-called birthday... has just managed to make the assumption of Christianity even more of a given. Non-Christians who opt out of stockings and presents aren’t considered bad at religion; they’re considered bad at American-ness.... Each tinkly "It’s the Most Wonderful Tiiiiiime of the Yearrrrrr" is just one more tiny reminder that I’m not part of the majority: I’m an exception to the given social rule.

[wild-chaser]

so, 9-1-1 and Buddie

I am a bit torn about the fandom recently

On one hand, there are lots of lovely interactions, gifs, and amazing fanfiction circling my dash. It's so positive and uplifting to see this creativity flowing! (and the actors are handsome, so the dash becomes very aesthetically pleasing)

On the other hand, I start seeing some negativity recently. People hating on newer episodes, complaining how it's not what they have signed up for, knit-picking and rolling their eyes oh so loudly.

Apparently there's been some hate towards actors too, but I don't follow those things and as much as I generally disagree, I'm just not up to date with that entire shitstorm -- I am here for the plot, for the characters, not for the actors, even if it does make me smile when I see them elsewhere.

I will not look into their private lives and even official twitter accounts because I am a firm believer that actors' personal lives are just not relevant to the experience (but boy, they can totally destroy the experience if you find out something bad! That's why I try not to, because the character they play is a separate entity but I won't be able to look at them the same way afterwards -- it just sucks my enjoyment out, so what's the point?)

and then there's Buddie

we have shippers and non-shippers, and I feel all the shippers are close to flipping the table recently

now let's make one thing clear: I am a shipper myself

Buddie all the way!

But honestly, let's give this show a chance.

Recently, I have this feeling that every time the show gives us even a glimpse of Buck and Taylor, people lose their shit here.

As if Buck didn't have many girlfriends before! As if Buck having girlfriends wasn't part of why we're so much waiting for him to realize he's into Eddie. The oh-I-thought-I-was-straight-boy getting love-slapped into bisexuality by this wonderful male specimen that is Eddie Diaz. Them jumping from brief-enemies (yeah that was just Buck, I know) to BFFs to casually co-parenting Chris as if it was just the most natural thing in the world. Them being idiots in love while having no damn clue they are in love.

And as I see Buddie fandom on the rise, I see so many voices demanding Buddie to become cannon NOW.

Not this episode? Then surely the next one! Not the next one? GOD DAMN YOU WRITERS! How dare you lead us fangirls astray?!

People, my fellow shippers: how about we take one collective deep breath here?

This story is not over yet. There is (hopefully) rather slim chance of us getting queer-baited by this very rainbow-friendly TV show.

Trust me: if the last episode of 9-1-1 will have Buck and Eddie no-homo'ed with some random women they'd met two episodes earlier, I will be the first one flipping the table, I promise

(╯ರ ~ ರ）╯︵ ┻━┻

But before that happens, how about we stop winding ourselves up for what may turn out to be nothing? Is it really worth it? Does creating drama and overthinking our fears really spark joy?

Remember: if it all actually goes to shit, just flip the table, curse the writers*, and then turn to fanfiction.

Fanfiction will save us.

*but maybe not directly, personally I find venting on tumblr rather cathartic

[bl-garbage]

i’m not over Gaya sa Pelikula episode 5. the sheer layers of storytelling we have, and i know you all have pointed them out. long post incoming:

employed foreshadowing in the two horror stories and the events that later followed. from the story of the nurse seeing the cadaver in his own closet to Vlad seeing the photo of a young Karl, now a grown man and so different from the child he once was; and from the man looking at his own self holding his own heart, to Karl holding his own heart as he looked at himself in the mirror. these are not horror stories -- they are real. in the next episode, we will find the consequences of these actions.

the brownout as a device. do we not tell our stories in the dark? queer people have long been used to telling stories in this familiar place. they do not dare to tell it under the sun, for all of the world to see because stories like theirs are resented just for being. this drinking session in the dark, when no one is around and anyone else is out of earshot, that is when stories so honest, so brutal and unabashedly true, are released. this scene was beautiful and cathartic.

anna is no plot device. she’s a beautiful, multilayered, flawed character. who would have thought anna was a mom? i know i’m surprised. and yet the writer did not leave her be only to be a friend for comedic purposes. she was there to tell her own story, like everyone else does. she has agency as a woman, and for an 8-episode series that bills itself as a BL series it is really commendable to grasp the complexity of all its characters, not let them be tossed aside. and you know what? Vlad even shined in this scene. women and queer people have long stood side by side, aware and empathic of their fundamental disadvantages in society. the queer struggle is rooted in the victories of the feminist struggle, after all, and in this scene we zoom in on just how that takes form, even in the simplest of ways. just look at how Vlad immediately accepts anna’s story, and does not even judge her. 

the effortless gender sensitivity. the episode does its best to quash stigmas in the queer community itself. when Karl said, for instance, that In fairness, Vlad, you’re not obviously effeminate, Vlad was quite quick to correct him, and here we see an innocent Karl simply accepting his mistake, saying sorry, and intently listening when Vlad goes on to explain where he went wrong. in that moment we were all anna, smiling in sheer excitement that this kind of thing casually happens, for is that not what queer people fear at time? that even when you know better and want to correct other people for their mistakes, you'd still second guess yourself or choose if it's even okay or perhpas you're imposing your own ideals on another person. yet, Gaya sa Pelikula does away with that and shows that, ihdeed, ignorance is not cured by anger, but education. what Karl said is a common microaggression against the queer community that unfortunately, many shows (BLs, even) fall prey to. Gaya sa Pelikula is not only good plot-wise, but it is also careful to weigh its options of which important lessons it needs to impart. it is proof that BL shows shouldn’t be just for entertainment; they must advance change.  

from the dark, to the blinding light. the rather smooth transition from Karl having to teach Vlad and Vlad even stepping on Karl, with Karl taking the lead; and then, to the prom they had in their minds: beautiful, well-lit, but only for them. a dream come true for Vlad—for any queer person deprived of the simple joys, of something as simple as the privilege to dance. the hope of things getting better.

Karl took the lead at first, but then Vlad did. in the beginning, it was Karl who led a reticent Vlad to the prom dance; yet, when they donned the suits and danced in the light, the roles changed. Vlad was taking the lead. it was as though, when Karl opened up to Vlad and practically told him, ‘it’s okay to be yourself with me,’ that gave Vlad the license to really be himself, be confident and free to express what he felt, share what he knew. note that during the transition, Vlad was at first so surprised by the lights! he did not know that things could turn out so good for him and Karl, and yet it was halpening. so he was so confident, leading Karl in the dance, to make Karl feel what he feels. he even said, “simplehan na lang natin (let’s make things simple).” i find meaning in that, too: see, Vlad has known himself to be gay since high school, but here we have Karl who does not even begin to question for himself who and what he is. Vlad knows this. he even sang, ever so softly into Karl’s ears, as if to say that it’s okay if you're only beginning your journey now. things are discovered, one step at a time.

in the end, karl was smiling. confused, but happy. holding his heart, beating so loud, karl does not know what to feel. is that not the experience of every queer person? to know that, perhaps for the first time ever, things are “different” from what they've been conditioned to believe? and yet the most confusing thing is that it feels good and freeing and warm. in the dark, when no one is around, Karl felt his heart, saw his own reflection, and even though he does not admit it yet, Karl knows he is happy. this is the true turning point of the story. i am quite sure we'll experience the sadness next episode, so be sure to be ready.

i am just so overwhelmed by Gaya sa Pelikula. it is not only aesthetically beautiful, but is also filled with nuances that i am not afraid to look more into it. perhaps i have been too saturated with a lot of just fun, but really nonsensical BLs, that i almost forgot that those shouldn’t be the standard. instead, we deserve ones that truly cater to our needs, tell our stories, and make a shot for things going to be better. to be sure, Gaya sa Pelikula was written by a queer screenplay writer himself, which only confirms the need for more stories told by queer people, for queer people.

Gaya sa Pelikula does what others are not doing. and so much more.

there are three more episodes, but i have no doubt that it will turn out excellent, far exceeding yet again my already high expectations.

in the aftermath of episode 5, i hark back to what juan miguel severo, the show’s writer and producer, had promised: “We will take back our story!”

and, indeed,  through this episode, he proves that he already has.

[aryesdanger24]

Hi there, just would like to ask you a quick question on that, because this brings up the idea of someone making a character be shipped with another against their sexuality is something everyone does to everything (people shouting that some characters aren't straight). I think everyone knows that is the case and as long as they aren't overtly rude or pressuring the studio/Viviziepop to change what is in the show, what is the actual harm?

I know you find Alastor to be your awesome demon Ace icon and as a demisexual person I feel the same way with characters when I see someone like me but it never is specifically said out loud for characters. So believe me when I say I understand on a sexuality spectrum standpoint what you are saying.

But...

With Alastor being a cool character design and having lots of tension between multiple enemy characters (and tentacles), it was bound to happen (Rule 34). People see themselves in others and want to write what they feel and hope for.

Also, I feel like any explicit fanfic I have seen for Alastor has the tag "Ace Author" A LOT. They clearly have a different feeling on it and derive some sort of joy from being able to write Alastor in situations. I am not going to explain the reasons of Ace Authors when it comes to Alastor, but there are some Asexuals who don't have that same ideology about him like you do.

"Respectful fun" is open to interpretation unless she says otherwise so I am sorry that you find the situation stressful regarding Alastor being sexualized by multiple communities, but as long as they aren't shoving it in your face or being rude to what is cannon, I personally can't hate that.

To see Alastor's character as just the label of asexual restricts those who are asexual from exploring through fanfiction or fanart of him.

If it personally bothers you then I would suggest finding artists of Alastor you likened following them or at least blogs that are not shipping related in Hazbin and following them so that you can strictly see what you enjoy of Alastor. Definitely, cater to what you wish to see involving Alastor and block what you don't want to see.

Sorry for the long explanation, but I mainly think the same way of any ship or character. Because in the end, they are not real and are fictional tools to tell a story that we connect to. Some connect to the cannon, but others find these characters comforting and as a way to explore, whether the character is straight, gay, Trans, Ace, or queer though usually doesn't matter as much to people as "how do they act", "Do they feel relatable?", "why do I find them so charming?", "I wish I could be as powerful as them", or "why do I feel like they would be good with _____ and if so, why???"

Your opinions are indeed valid though and I totally understand, but I did want to explain technically being on the Ace Spectrum myself. I guess I read your post and felt scared that some Asexuality or other exploring person might be intimidated by such a strong fierce love towards only AroAce Alastor kinning to the point of disliking other explorative or performative forms of media involving him.

I just wanted to add my two cents on the matter even though I know you probably don't agree with it (which I can understand) but I feel this way about any character being seen as straight or gay or some other form of themselves as a genuine compliment to the complexity of character the original projects. Their characteristics so stable and recognizably them that authors of fanfics can change the character and everyone still knows who it is.

It is fascinating and as a person who writes fanfic as an outlet, I find fanfiction to be cathartic for what I need to be.

Alastor is a fantastic character and even though he is canonly Ace, I am personally glad people are loving his character enough to explore their ideas. It is the highest form of appreciation and love for a character to me.

(This went way too long sorry for adding this if you hate it)😞

Add on to the Alastor Aroace rant

I know Vizi said that you can have "respectful fun" with Alastor ships but there really is no way to "respectfully" ship a aroace character (unless it's queer platonic ig?) I know it's silly to expect a fandom not to ship especially with a character like Alastor but I thought more people would at least attempt to respect his sexuality.

Like I said before if it was any other character's sexuality being disrespected and disregarded people would throw a fit (rightfully so) I'm just sick one of the only aroace characters in the media is being erased by the fandom like this.

ADD ON: in my other post I talked about how people use the excuse when shipping Alastor that aroace is a spectrum while yes it is and that should be respected there are people on the spectrum that don't want any relationships or sexual acts and Alastor is our rep and it should be respected

[marxandangels]

I feel like this is gonna come across as so hyperbolic but the most recent chapter of your fic with Cas at pride managed to strike a nerve with me in such a strange way, just unlocking some small part of me where so much anger and sadness has been sitting for, god, I don't even know how long. and yet it was so comforting and freeing, it felt like breaking down next to a friend and having a warm hand on my shoulder and finding peace in being out and queer and loving that part of me even when it is made hidden and insignificant by so many others. I really hope this message doesn't make you uncomfortable, I just want to thank you for writing this and let you know it made a big difference to me, despite having been comfortably out for many years and having many supportive and loving people around me, it allowed me to feel some things I often feel I shouldn't. thank you <3

!!!! This doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable at all, don’t worry about that. I’m so glad it struck a chord with you and was cathartic and meaningful. Writing this also was an outlet for me re: how being queer, especially out, can be really heavy sometimes, especially when it’s dismissed or minimized. 

This really really means so much to me; thank you so much for sharing. Happy Pride ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Under the cut is something I wrote in an academic context in the same vein as this fic that sounds like it might resonate with you

“The word queer is not only about sexuality and gender, but a way of thinking, a way of being. It is an adjective and a verb. Queer is a political stance and an ideology and a sensibility. The queer community holds oppression and discrimination just as much as any other community; it must account for this and align with all marginalized identity groups and social justice movements. Queer is inextricably united with decolonization, anti-racism, police and prison abolition, disability justice, sex worker liberation, and transformative justice. There is no queer liberation without liberation for all.

Being alive as a queer person is a political act. Corporate liberalism has watered queer down to assimilating phrases like “love is love” but that isn’t what it is. The word queer is for people who are unwilling or unable to assimilate, for closeted people, for people surviving homophobic families and communities, for people who being queer is new and scary and unwanted, for people who are unwilling or unable to own their queerness. We share a community, an identity, the day-to-day banal pain of heteronormativity, the crushing reality of oppression, the times when you don’t want to be queer and you hate it. Queer often holds grief for the people lost due to leaving those homophobic families and communities. Suicidality and trauma are common in the queer community. A lot of queer people aren’t happy to be alive. Sometimes being queer is what keeps those suicidal and traumatized queer people afloat and sometimes being queer is so heavy and reminds them that there are people who wish that they would act on suicidal ideation and destructive impulses. But through all of that, the word queer and its community hold a space for every queer person, in whatever capacity they need and want it. We help carry all of that, the joy and the pain and the shaky, blurry middle ground. It’s saying, “Hey, we share something and I love that, I see something about you that’s true even if you’re not sure what it means.””

[aquaace]

Y'all can completely ignore this, but I really love the insight this post gives to the audience having conflicting life experiences and, therefore, having conflicting enjoyment from certain stories. Like this isn't a new concept but it's kind of beautiful to see, especially as projecting my own life experiences onto certain characters is what really got me into Batman in the first place.

I wasn't able to read all of the Dick and Damian Batman and Robin run (limited access and... Morrison :/) but the ones I did get to read I also found catharsis in. I also found catharsis in Bruce and Tim's Batman and Robin.

It was cathartic to see Dick get a shit hand in a game he was forced to play and then not give up on it. My sister was by no means a "difficult child" but I was nor prepared or ready to raise a queer child who struggled developmentally as another queer child who was still struggling developmentally in the south in the same way Dick wasn't prepared to raise an angry confused child (simplified, I'm aware but I'm making a point) as someone who was an angry confused child and (while debatable, this is my opinion influencing my perspective of the comics) did not get the adult support to grow out of that and instead recieved more support encouraging the defense mechanisms he had in place against the world at a young age which made becoming an adult difficult. There was catharsis in Dick doing things the way he was taught but... softer in a way. Aware that these tools weren't really the right ones for the job but using them because they were the ones he knew how to use. Being exhausted by every aspect of life and getting that win where you see the change, either from terrible behavior or seeing how you did something better than your own parent and saying "it's different, it's different, I did that, they're gonna make it". That was the joy and what was gotten out of it. The relief even if unperfect and just passable.

It was cathartic to see Tim dig his heels into the ground and say "I'm going to fix this even if I only have myself to do it with" and then pretty much do it at the sacrifice of the normalish life he could have had. Forcing an adult you care about to get their shit together is rough. Especially when you are doing it for a reason bigger than yourself. And as a child? Super genius or not, you're not prepared to do it, but by God, will you. In that position, you understand that you just... have to. Because that's the hand you got dealt when you decide to play the game. It's incredibly rewarding to see that work pay off and see that person step into the role they're supposed to have and then gain an actual partnership with them.

To a less intense extent, my dad and I were Bruce and Tim. I shared that pain of neglect whether thoughtless or ignorantly caused as an adult failed to recognize they should be the one taking care of the child and not the other way around. I shared the joy of partnership in growing and maturing together. I share the hyper independence and the pride in the total change I made to my household and knowing things would have been worse had I not done what I'd done. That I did good there. My relationship with my dad is complicated and again, not to the intensity if Tim and Bruce, but I feel seen in a specifc way.

Getting to see the comparison of different perspectives is crazy because I never thought of it those ways but I totally see it! That makes complete sense!! It's so eye opening and gives a totally different light to those stories. Wild.

I hope you guys get to see more comic books that are fulfilling to you and bring you catharsis to read. Thank you for sharing!!

Hmmmm. Having so many more thoughts about "Damian's stories are about what Batman can do for Robin, while Tim's stories are about what Robin can do for Batman" as a concept.

And look this is partly me simplifying things way way down. Because ofc there are stories for both of them in the other direction, and I can name a bunch of them off the top of my head. But I'm looking at overarching themes.

Because!!! I think part of the divide in whether people feel particularly close to Damian's stories or particularly close to Tim's comes down to their identification over which fantasy and story they want to overlay the concept of Batman and Robin with. Do they want a fantasy about the strength and change a child can bring even to the adults around them? Do they want a fantasy about how a child can grow and be forgiven by adults for everything, even the dark parts of themself they hate?

"Can I fix others" vs "can others fix me" are both deep concepts people identify with, whether or not either impulse is a healthy one.

For instance. I will fully tell you that part of my problem with Dick and Damian as Batman & Robin, apart from the amount of it being written by Morrison, is that in the stories I have read, I see very few that give me a satisfying answer to 'what benefit is Dick getting out of this relationship', and as someone who helped coparent her own much younger sibling to the point my mother rewrote her will during that period to request that I got custody of my brother, not my father, should anything happen, reading a narrative where I'm supposed to celebrate Dick's sacrifices in taking on Damian is one where I want this situation to be rewarding for DICK. Because I know the suckitude of the situation where everyone is telling you how noble you are for making this sacrifice, and I know the joys you find in it, but by god is it hard and it is work that you can find yourself resenting and it is something where I see myself in Dick and I want a fantasy telling me that this was all worth it and the narrative is entirely uninterested in giving that to me.