this is. whiny baby moments. and uh yeah.
yknow realistically getting distracted by relearning how to do a readmore on mobile helped me not need to vent post.
i will say tho for the sake of it that idg why my therapist wants me to make new relationships when i cant even be normal or stable w the ones i currently have. like sir that aint gonna correct or change my issue here.
also the gist of my sadness tn was that i'm very bad at expressing needs bc i become this needy mess but also each time i try ppl say "well. i can't/won't do that" and its like damn okay i guess thats a valid point. anw wish i could be coherent enough for ppl to understand.
ok actual crybaby moments but its like almost 1 am so please forgive me.
anw i think i could not exist and everything would be fine. idt i'm special or important or even worth it. there will always be someone better. "but they wont be u" i think u could find a million ppl like me actually. kinda barely funny. polite bc they have issues. not a whole lot of positive qualities. u know.
like i'm here and alive bc i was born. i cannot hurt myself and i never will--which imo is like wow pathetic much when im super mentally ill abt it--but. nothing would be different if i werent here. a comfort as well as injury to know that.
ok if like someone brings 5-10% of smth to ur life. i only ever bring 0.2% of that at best. negligible.
anw its the late night speaking. even if i believe this to be true it doesnt matter. i'm still here in my little clown outfit even if i'm not of value or important and barely a dent in ppls lives. i still have to live this life out. there's no choice in the matter
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with my phantom hourglass replay, there are two things i noticed;
a possible theme you could glean from the game is action vs inaction, and i think it's especially prevalent before you even leave mercay the first time, with oshus frequently urging link to not go after the ghost ship, then to just wait until the broken bridge is fixed, and seems reluctant at every turn while link and ciela are more than eager to go and do something about this problem, and the people of mercay in general talking about things and their problems but never seeming to act on their fears or desires, as well as the mention that due to the ghost ship, very very few people are still sailing around, while linebeck is one of the only people we see in the game actively going after the ghost ship and still sailing around. i might make a longer post just talking more about the action vs inaction in phantom hourglass but i just noticed it a bit and thought it was a bit of an interesting sort of theme you could find in the game.
linebeck moves so fucking much. i think he moves more than any npc in the rest of the game. not just in his intro cutscene where he is very animated, just in how much he moves when just standing in his little idle post, it's damn near distracting when the camera is focused on him, he moves a lot. i don't think i've really acknowledged how much he moves, and it really gives the impression that he's antsy or eager to get going, both of which fit him pretty well with how he acts.
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the fact that the genetic lottery rolled sensory processing issues severe enough that just regular chilling hanging out existing in my physical human body can be so overwhelming I am too exhausted to do basic tasks is a real fuckin snake eyes situation there is a lot about autism that I truly love and am genuinely grateful for but ripping all the labels off the sensory knobs and givin em a random spin is not fucking one of them
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