#it is still an unhealthy coping mechanism but fuck it I am over 30 years old and I am allowed to make bad decisions

[rocksinmuffin]

Without posting any details because I do not want to bum anyone out, I have been having one of the most stressful weeks I have ever had in over a decade so I want the people who are waiting on their commissions to know I HAVE been working on them and they WILL be out soon but also I am going to unhealthily cope today by getting edible high and watching the bad CATS 2019 musical and posting on my @adamsandgirl high blog because I need to shut my brain off but also do the funniest self harm possible

[c0nfessions-and-lies]

I love my boyfriend, but sometimes I am so jealous of him I start hating him a little. Mostly I hate myself.

In winter of last year, we started going to the gym regularly because I’m starting to really deeply hate my body and myself again and instead of starving myself like I would usually do, I agreed to try the “healthy version” with him. He also wanted to become stronger and gain muscle mass.

But then, since December, after we had finally seen the first results, we didn’t go anymore. It started off with him getting a cold, then it was Christmas, then we agreed to go again but he would go and meet friends instead, and afterwards either felt too tired or it was 2am and since I need to get up at 7:30 and the gym is half an hour away, it isn’t an option for me to go then. Or he said he just wasn’t in the mood for it, didn’t want to drive there (I offered to drive as well but he still didn’t want to) and all in all, I ended up asking him regularly for the past two months and got promised that today would finally be the day, just to be told it wouldn’t work out in the end, or that “we can still go” (again, past midnight it’s a no from me, I can’t show up to work with four hours of sleep three times a week.). On the weekends, whilst I had uni, he slept in bed all day and went to see friend for “only a few hours” which then resulted in it being almost midnight again every time, despite him knowing we had agreed to go the gym afterwards.

So why didn’t I go to the gym alone? Because I am literally ashamed to let people see me because I am almost back at the weight I used to be when I first started starving myself, and I feel self-conscious and I hate the look in the mirror. So I ended up in another self-hating spiral of not eating and then eating too much and then getting the food back out afterwards because I have no other coping mechanisms, because the gym had become my other coping mechanism and my social phobia kept me from it. Obviously, a lot of this is my fault. I wasn’t angry at him for this.

But then, today, after months of pleading, he finally agreed to go and actually came with me. So we went through our usual routine and all the progress that I had before seen lost in the mirror, all the ugliness I had seen return both in mirror as well as on the scale, was back. Most of my progress is lost. It’s like starting all over again, it felt horrible, I was ashamed to be seen by people, I was ashamed to see how low the number of weights have gotten than I can work out with again. I felt like the ugly fat blob that I used to be, that I had worked so damn hard for to disappear, for years. And all of that hard work is lost.

So I was pretty close to crying and not feeling to great. Then I told him this, that I’m frustrated with myself and all the progress is lost and how I hate that I just didn’t go without him.

His answer?

He grinned and said “Hm. Somehow, despite not working out, I’ve gotten even stronger.” And then he laughed awkwardly and asked why my legs aren’t shaking yet, that I need to work out with more weight.

That’s why I’m so fucking jealous. After months of pleading to go to the fucking gym because I am hating myself so much it’s unbearable sometimes, we finally go, and whilst all my progress is lost he has made progress despite being part of the reason my progress is lost.

And I hate myself so, so much for not feeling able to go without him. For being so self-conscious, and for being back to literally square one.

Idk why I’m even posting this, I just feel like I need to get it out. He doesn’t understand why I’m upset now and I just really feel desperate to go back to the unhealthy coping mechanisms. Because so far, that’s all that has worked. In a few weeks I need to travel to a different city for uni and won’t be able to go to the gym anymore anyway (which we knew. It was a deadline, I wanted to get a head start and build muscles so I could cut in the time I’m unable to go to the gym. He knew of that plan.)

It just feels like he didn’t give a shit. And worst of all, it’s my own damn fault because I should have just gone without him. Now the social phobia is much much worse and I hate my body more than ever.

I’m such a fucking idiot.

[keefwho]

April 26 - 2023

8:17 AM

Okay straight up I hate how I’ve been feeling/acting lately. I’ll try to change my behavior today, whatever that means. Maybe I haven’t been very true to myself and that’s whats wrong. I’m not sure, all I know is I don’t feel very good. 

11:30 AM

Holy fuck I hate myself lol.

2:37 PM

Well here I am having another episode. One that will end over time but I know I’m gonna be in a dark place for a little bit. 

I feel alone and hopeless. For years I feel like my life has steadily been going downhill. Like I’ve desperately tried to hold onto everything I have but I lose things one by one until one day it’ll reach a breaking point and then it’s game over for me. People don’t care about me as much as I’d like, or at least I don’t always feel like they do. Probably because ultimately I’m a bad person to rely on no matter how hard I try. I feel destined to fail in everything I do. I struggle to find meaning in literally anything and the things I do find meaning in might just be coping mechanisms or otherwise unhealthy. I can’t even tell. All I can think to do is stick to my miserable schedule and wait for tiny moments of what I think is true happiness when I end up being able to gaslight myself into thinking I’m okay for a little bit. 

3:11 PM

Part of my horny problem is not even knowing what I want to do. I don’t just want to orgasm, I want something conceptually intense. Thats why I started leaning into watersports. I just love the humiliation aspect of it, no nutting is required to get my fix off of it. A lot of things have gotten old to me, like I’ve gotten much pickier when it comes to how scenes I like are portrayed. I wish I could get over this problem and have an easier time enjoying what I used to. My current plan has been trying to delegate horny behavior to more specific times. I think being a porn artist has led me to constantly seeking the sexuality in situations like it’s my job. I don’t want to constantly idea generate because it ends up getting in the way of wholesome times and burns me out on concepts. 

Another thing is how much more I used to enjoy doing things with other people. I erp’ed with a few people I wouldn’t have considered “close” and had fun, but that desire went away a long time ago. Partially because I always thought I was supposed to be giga horny and fucking around just to fit in. These days I like to save myself for more meaningful interactions which unfortunately results in less activity than I think I’d like. But there is no way around this. 

This’ll probably stop being such a big deal when I stop blueballing myself and finally do something. I think it’s been about a week of keeping myself pent up for basically no reason but at this point I’d wanna end it with something good so I’m still being patient until I’m in the right mood. 

8:26 PM

I am unlovable because I can’t even accept myself for who I am. I am alone because of myself. I will always be alone unless I can change. 

Honestly I wish I could have an existential giga crisis that either results in me offing myself or developing a miraculous life changing perspective. 

What have I ever done to deserve love anyways? Let down everyone I’ve ever known? Hence why I’m a friendless loser clinging onto to the few people that bare to put up with me. I don’t want to live knowing I will always end up with nobody. 

12:09 AM

Well obviously today was shit. Getting all my work done didn’t even feel good in the end, just pointless because who cares about when I draw my own OC? I didn’t really care too either so it feels like a total waste. 

I calmed down over the course of the evening but I’m still aware of my fundamental issues. Being inspired by what my friend is going through, I think I need a sort of change as well. I know how bad I am at hanging onto the past and how much it keeps me from moving forward. I more or less feel like I’m still meant to be living up to things that have long expired. For example, I still feel like I’m supposed to be a part of the TDS group and that I’m not allowed to move onto a different group. I feel like I used up my friend group slot and it cannot be replaced. I feel like that with friends I no longer talk to as well. I really need to move on from them. Yeah what we had was cool and maybe it would have been nice to salvage it but in most cases, things are far beyond that point. Ideally they’d turn into actual memories instead of current thoughts in my head. I’d have so much potential if I just didn’t consider them to still be relevant. 

Nothing is “used up.” There is so much potential in anything I choose to do if only I can see it. But that’s the hard part. 

[thestruggleisdaydreaming]

Just a quick reminder for some people.

Maladaptive daydreaming isn’t quirky or a “cute trend”. Maladaptive daydreaming has fucked my life over and over again, whether that be turning in schoolwork late/not at all, not hanging out with real people, or literally almost getting hit by a car while I’m zoned out, daydreaming on a walk.

Today, I spent 2 hours staring at my wall, just daydreaming. Two hours. And thats considered good for someone like me. And I still have late homework to do right now. But am I gonna do it? No. I’m gonna daydream instead, because it’s addictive.

It starts out as a coping mechanism, but it can quickly turn into an unhealthy way to escape life. I’ve been maladaptive daydreaming since grade five, almost 4 years. My memories from then to now are fuzzy. I can barely remember grade 7.

And maladaptive daydreaming doesn’t come on it’s own. It’s linked to trauma and other mental conditions like ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc. It’s scary to think one of my main sources of joy has nothing to do with my real life.

So before anyone goes “omg I’m a maladaptive daydreamer, I daydream for like 30 minutes total everyday uwu.” Don’t. Rant over.

[yconic]

It's 2 am and wanted to write some multiverse stuff lol

Summary: Tony messed up something in the lab. The result is two versions of himself appearing in the middle of his kitchen. (I feel like I should mention, the two universes are pretty much made up and not Marvel canon)

"Why am I so short? Forgot to take my vitamins or something?" Stark from earth 8001 snorted and looked down at Tony as he took off his sunglasses, an amused smile playing on his face at Tony's scrunched up angry expression.

"Calm down short stuff, before your goatee catches on fire and you explode." That seemed to earn a ''Ha!'' From the Earth 2990 version of himself that just made Tony's list.

Although they were versions of himself, they didn't look identical like Tony. They were taller and a bit more muscular, one of them almost as tall as Steve, and their eyes were of electric blue instead of amber brown like his own.

"Am I always this annoying?" Tony huffed and turned to Stephen, who has been levitating in the common room for the past 10 minutes. The man ignored him.

"Yeah, pretty much," Rhodey said instead with a fond smile "but we don't mind it."

"Speak for yourself." Pepper playfully shoved him in the shoulder at that, and the two of them giggled on the couch like a pair of teenage girls.

"Uh, can you hear me from down there, or do I need to get a megaphone? You copy? Good. I'm not annoying, I'm charismatic, Tinkerbell. There's a difference. You're just mad you can't grasp it yet."

"There's also a line between being a jackass and a comedian, and you've crossed it since you arrived." Earth 2990 said with a be amused chuckle, typing something on his watch. At the frustrated sigh, the other man (the other him?) Let out, Tony guessed the job wasn't doing it for him. "Me. We. You, whatever. I can't get this thing to work. You had any luck?"

"Tsk." Stark shook his head " Thought it makes sense. Communication Networks must be different in every universe and their signal must be jacked because of the time and location difference. There could be a possibility that the phone numbers or communication links we're trying to access got...messed up in a way.

Like, maybe now that we're in this universe, we're a part of it and everything that tied us to our world can't be accessed anymore?"

"Yeah, that seems right," Earth 2990 nodded, and Tony decided that he'll have to find names for him too. "but how do we find a way to communicate with the people in our world?"

"Maybe we can create a communication link of our own." Tony jumped in the conversation " a common network if you will. Also, you're Stark," he annoiunced, pointitng at the taller alter, then at the orher one who shyly stayed back and played with his fingers. "And you're gonna be Anthony. I'm copyrighting Tony."

"Huh, so I'm not a complete idiot in this world, that's good to know," Stark muttered and started looking for something in the kitchen. "Jesus, where's the alcohol in this place?" He muttered.

"You ain't gonna find any," Friday's voice rang in the room "Boss quit last year." Something like pride hugged her robotic voice as she informed them. Tony probably shouldn't have taken that to heart too much, but he did.

"Um," Stark's eyes were narrowed and his lips were in a thin line before answer "you're not Jarvis. Where's Jarvis? "

The room seemed to freeze as Tony's face became steely as he answered stiffly " Gone."

It was a moment of silence for the three Starks in the room, a moment of understanding and shared pained over the same loyal butler they all lost before and once again in this life.

"...Well, I can't work till I don't drink at least 10 cups of whiskey, and Rhodey's not here on my ass so I don't know about you two, but I'm having my drinking party in the lab. Friday, order some whiskey."

"How much, sir?"

" Uhh, 'till it's enough to fill a small pub, preferably." He then turned to Tony "You know what you need? A meeting with your old friend, Mr. Whiskey and Mrs. Vodka. I'm sure they miss you."

Despite Tony's mouth suddenly going dry, desperate for the hot liquid that once made a home in his belly to burn his neck again, he shook his head and licked his lips, crossing his arms over his chest "I promised some friends that I wouldn't."

"Who?" Stark asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Friends? Buddies? Pals You don't have that in your world?"

" Not that I know of. " Stark shrugged and turned to 2990 "How about you? Wanna come with me? It'll be the night of your life."

"First of all, that sounded like a sex proposition, which, ew. You're technically me, and I may be a narcissist, but this takes the phrase of 'loving myself ' to a whole different level," 2990 cringed. "and second of all, I'll pass. Promised my Rhodey I wouldn't drink."

Stark sighed and looked down "Yeah. Me too." His fingers tapped on the bottom of the counter. Tony observed how his breathing quickened a bit and how his eyes wandered around aimlessly. It was subtle, but noticeable, because Tony could see his old self who freshly gave up drinking in him.

Anxious, stress filled, trying not to breakdown on the spot. It was easy to pinpoint what you've lived. Tony opened his mouth, ready to reassure him, but Stark's finger snapping interrupted him.

"Okay, no drinking. Yet. What other unhealthy coping mechanism beside living in the bottle until we have to be a big boys and get over ourselves do we have, hm? Beating up an innocent boxing bag? Work 'till we drop dead? Throw a party? Prank call NASA?"

Tony had to frown. "Pranking NASA isn't an unhealthy coping mechanism."

"Everything's an unhealthy coping mechanism if you're fucked up enough. And yeah It is, if you do it long enough you forget how the sun looks," Stark nodded. " let's just say I've lived through some pretty dark times."

As deranged as he looked, Anthony chose not to tell Stark of how bad that sounded. Mostly because he knew the other him was aware. Instead, he suggested: "Well, I mean, baking and knitting usually help me get over stress. They're really fun! Happy's mom actually took me to one of her yoga classes last week, so maybe--"

"As awesome as my ass looks in yoga pants, I'm not doing any of that," Stark interrupted crudly. He stole the coffee Tony was holding from his hand and walked towards the lab with a confident step, as though he owned the place.

"-- I'm gonna inspect the lab to see at what level of shitty you are when it comes to handling it. I swear there better be a mountain of pizza boxes and puddles of Dum-E's smoothies on the floor or me and my buddy Sledgehammer are gonna have words with that room."

"I haven't cleaned that place in months, so that's exactly what you're gonna find."

"Finally, something about this universe that makes sense!"

Anthony and Tony exchanged already tired looks as they followed their disaster of an alter to make sure the tower would still stand by down.

"You think he's just gonna start blowing shit now, or after dinner?"

A loud explosion sound could be heard, followed by a 'That computer was ugly anyway!'

"Now is a good guess. Bet 20 $ we're gonna have a party by tonight."

"Make it 30. Have you seen us? Yikes." They shared a chuckle, walking into the lab. Their staying will sure be interesting.

[well-hidden-hot-mess]

today’s topic: body image/weight loss struggles

there’s a shit ton of shit going on in my life but nothing at all at the same time as i’m attempting to navigate this time in my life (being unemployed due to quitting my job during the pandemic due to my anxiety/depression becoming debilitating and wanting to go to therapy but all of them being completely booked up until god knows when and just being stuck in limbo that’s out of my control) so i’m using this time to get back on track with my health/fitness because it always makes me feel that much better/in control when I don’t have control over anything else. Wow, writing that out makes it sound so much worse like disordered than it is... well... let’s be honest here self, it’s both a healthy and unhealthy coping mechanism that I have. Plus like I said, right now I have nothing else going on so there’s not much I can really focus on since I’ve already deep cleaned and organized and decorated my apartment numerous times and there’s only so much you can do with limited funds with what’s open and I don’t feel super comfortable adventuring by myself like hiking in the moutains or anything so there’s a lot of restrictions on what I can be doing to get out of my apartment. That’s why I think my daily morning walks have been so calming and helpful to my mental state. Well they were at first, now I’m starting to get back into that mindset of “go as hard as you can at all times” and not letting it be a nice relaxing stroll but a power walk where I even threw in a good amount of running yesterday because of that “if i’m not sweating/dying, it’s not worth it” mentality that I need to learn how to control and apply only in the correct situations like my lifts, not my walks. I tried to do that yesterday and it lasted about 2 minutes max and then I was running... I’m just so in my head about my weight/body right now because as much as I do love lifting and being healthy, it’s all I have to focus on right now so I’m becoming obsessed and it’s not good. It’s also not helping that my body is breaking down more and more each day. I started doing 75 Hard again because well what else am I going to do with my day and if there’s ever a time to do it, it’s now so I can feel good going into the holidays and then feel/look good for my 30th birthday (ew.). So I’ve been doing the workouts and the walks (one day I did 2x45 min walks and another I did a walk in the AM and then yoga later on... who am I?) but I’m trying to be smart and not completely overwork myself and even taking it easier with my weights since my body is breaking. My shoulder’s still a little pissy from the bursitis or arthritis or whatever I gave myself for not moving from my bed for weeks at a time, my right hip is in extreme pain so I’m using Icy Hot and foam rolling it and doing yoga to help it chill the f out. Not only is it broken in that way, I’ve been getting at least 10,000 steps a day burning ~3,000 calories a day and eating ~1900 calories and my weight has maintained or I’m going down like .1lbs and then jumping up. It started once I upped my activity level on avatar so after 5 days of that, i’m over it and I dropped it back down so I should see some drops soon. I know it might not be the best thing but I’m on track to lose 2lbs a week and if i feel really depleted, I’ll do a controlled refeed day so I don’t binge and have to start over. I just feel so uncomfortable and so not me in my body that I just want this extra weight off. I was already at the high end where I wasn’t super comfortable but I managed before I had my most recent week long binge and no movement from my bed depression bout and then I gained 10lbs on top of that. I had just finally started feeling confident and like I was myself again and felt good in my body despite being at a higher weight (181lbs) before the most recent bout and that just makes it suck that much worse for me because it was like ah finally, I’m feeling good (after getting out of the first bout of it) and then life was like haha fuck you and back down my mental health went. It sounds so stupid but it’s just not fair that I’m trying so hard to improve myself and do something with my life and do positive things for myself but there’s this dark cloud that can come in at a moment’s notice and just negate every forward step i’ve made and send me back down to the bottom and no matter how hard i fight it, I can’t get out of it until it releases me. This is the depression/anxiety and the lyme too. It’s like i’m fighting a losing battle and it’s so hard to keep fighting so hard every day and then not seeing any results from it and being impatient because you just want to feel like you again and not trapped in a body you don’t recognize, not just because of aesthetic reasons but like not being able to perform the way i’m used to (strength/cardio endurance). Like right now i feel like i’m in a fat suit or i’m trapped in someone else’s body and it just feels foreign to me and i don’t like it. Not to mention my skin’s a mess too which is not helping any of this even though i’m showering twice a day and actually have a skin routine now. again, i just feel like i’m putting so much effort into making these changes and i’m not seeing any kind of progress and it’s just frustrating. i’m not going to give up because i’m not going to let myself get that much farther from feeling like me by quitting and gaining even more weight and having my body break down that much more so i’d have to work that much harder just to get back to where i am now. plus i don’t think my mental health could handle me getting any worse than where i am now without just completely losing it and breaking down and I don’t know if that’s something i’d be able to come back from without like being checked into a mental hospital. sounds extreme but i’m honestly at my wit’s end with all of this and i’ve been fighting this fight against my weight for like 15 of my almost 30 years alive and i’m just tired and just want to feel like it was worth it just a little bit. like i don’t know really who i am right now and i just feel numb as a human but the one thing i do know about myself is that fitness is a part of my identity and the one i’m the most proud of at this point in my life and feeling so disconnected from the one solid truth i know about myself in a time where that’s the only one i really have on top of feeling like i’m in a foreign body on top of everything else going on in my brain, it’s just a lot and is weighing heavily on me. So i just want this weight off so I can feel lighter with my physical and my mental/emotional weight and can be free from it consuming me and my every thought throughout the day. 

anyway, that’s enough rambling for now. I might be back later (famous last words) but for now, i just need to get up, drink an energy drink, and get started on my walk before too much of the day gets away from me. 

[chloe-elizabeth-price]

1-40 (take that)

A lot of questions as per usual, thanks for always being curious and cute @annoyinglyuniquebread!

I’ll put these under a cut as well as trigger warn you guys for mentions of mental illness, unhealthy coping mechanisms and abuse. 

Anyone who wants to, feel free to read what basically feels like my life story lol 

Here we goooo

1: Talk aboutthe first time you watched your favorite movie.

This question as well as numbers  11, 24, 28 and 38 where answered here and here

2: Talk aboutyour first kiss.

I was 7 and kissed a boy in my class behind the bushes at recess in a display of young  compulsory heterosexuality. He dumped me at a classmate’s birthday party a week later and I never looked at boys again lol

3: Talk aboutthe person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

This girl I met in my freshman year of college and fell hard and fast for. She clearly didn’t feel the same for me and very unceremoniously dumped me without much of an explanation, it sucked!  

4: Talk aboutthe thing you regret most so far.

That I didn’t break contact with my biological father much earlier than I did, his presence in my life made me feel like shit for way longer than I deserved and now that he’s out of my life I feel a lot better!

5: Talk aboutthe best birthday you’ve had.

l’m not actually much of a fan of birthdays and much prefer Christmas, never really liked the idea of growing up…But I guess my tenth birthday was cool. It was nice  to turn a two digit number for the first time and the pajama party I had that year was pretty sweet!

6: Talk aboutthe worst birthday you’ve had.

Well my fourth birthday sucked, it was my first birthday after my parents got divorced and I was worried my dad wouldn’t show up for the party and well…He didn’t……………….Yeah that sucked!

7: Talk aboutyour biggest insecurity.

I have many, many insecurities of different natures and can honestly not really narrow it down to one big one.

8: Talk aboutthe thing you are most proud of.

I’m proud of unapologetically being who I am despite breaking norms and societal expectations in more ways than one; as well as for standing up for others like me!

9: Talk aboutlittle things on your body that you like the most.

I like my eyes, they’re a nice shade of blue

10: Talk aboutthe biggest fight you’ve ever had.

Physical? Because I’ve never really been in a physical fight and I can’t really think of a huge verbal one either right now. Of course I’ve gotten into some arguments with my parents and stuff growing up, nothing major that I can remember though.

12: Talk aboutthe worst dream you’ve ever had.

 I rarely remember my dreams, but since I started taking sleeping pills I’ve had some really vivid and scary ones, nothing I feel like reliving by sharing though.

13: Talk aboutthe first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

Yeah, nope, not happening, too demi and reserved to share that one with the internet, sorry!

14: Talk abouta vacation.

The best vacation I’ve ever been on was the one I got from my parents as a graduation gift. They accompanied me to Amsterdam (which is a beautiful, beautiful city) to see Taylor Swift live on the 1989 World Tour! It was one of the best trips/concerts of my life and I really look forward to seeing Tay again in 180 days! 

15: Talk aboutthe time you were most content in life.

Probably in my last year of middle school, when I was like 15. It was the last year before I developed mental illness and fell into this dark, dark hole…Wow, that sounds depressing af! Sorry for being such a bummer!

16: Talk aboutthe best party you’ve ever been to.

I don’t really do parties, I prefer to hang out with my friends casually and just play video games and cook/have dinner together or whatever. We’ve had many awesome hangouts like these over the years and I can’t really pick a specific one as the best one!

17: Talk aboutsomeone you want to be friends with.

I’d love to be friends with Carrie Fisher, we’d get along famously and she seems like the kind of person you could just talk to you know? Carrie, if you can hear me up in heaven, please consider being my friend and save me a cloud to sit on next to you, cool?

18: Talk aboutsomething that happened in elementary school.

I got dumped at that birthday party, lol…No but really I don’t remember much of elementary school, except that one time a bitch stole my tamagotchi, that wasn’t cool Sally, so not cool!

19: Talk aboutsomething that happened in middle school.

My teacher surprised me by sneaking me into another school’s library so that I could join this class of strangers in meeting one of my favorite authors at the time and get my books signed as well as give her a book i’d written and exchange email addresses with her. We still emailed occasionally years later, it was dope!!

20: Talk aboutsomething that happened in high school.

I came out of the closet, that was pretty damn dope too!

21: Talk abouta time you had to turn someone down.

During my freshman year of college (wow, a lot sure did happen that year, huh?) this guy in my class basically started stalking me and obsess over me despite me repeatedly telling him I’m gay and wasn’t interested. It got pretty badly out of hand and it ended with the school suspending him after me having complained to the student council after he failed to recognize my rejections for what they were, FUCKING REJECTIONS!!! 

22: Talk aboutyour worst fear.

i’m TERRIFIED of failure in any and all forms! Don’t wanna talk about it though, it’ll probably trigger unnecessary anxiety…

23: Talk abouta time someone turned you down.

I’m too shy to ask people out so I have never really been turned down in that sense, have been dumped tho, that’s………..unfun!

25: Talk aboutan ex-best friend.

During elementary and middle school I was best friends with this guy i’d known since kindergarten, we drifted apart since we went to different high schools and haven’t really hung out since sophomore year which is too bad really because we were like siblings at one point and I’d like to have that back someday.

26: Talk aboutthings you do when you’re sick.

I try to drink a lot of tea and stay as comfortable as possible while watching something that makes me happy and distracts me from feeling badly. Like Buffy, Brooklyn 99 or F.r.i.e.n.d.s

27: Talk aboutyour favorite part of someone else’s body.

My dog’s tail is fluffy and adorable just like the rest of her! :)

29: Talk aboutwhat turns you on.

I feel like I’ve talked about this before, but open-minded people who aren’t afraid of having frank, honest conversations in which the express their opinions. Girls are beautiful and physically most parts of girls’ bodies honestly turn me on buuuut again, too awkward for this discussion on the net.

30: Talk aboutwhat turns you off.

Close-minded and bigoted people disgust me!

31: Talk aboutwhat you think death is like.

I’m not really sure, but a quote from John Green’s Looking For Alaska comes to mind: “Thomas Edison’s last words were “It’s very beautiful over there”. I don’t know where there is, but I believe it’s somewhere, and I hope it’s beautiful.”

32: Talk abouta place you remember from your childhood.

When I was younger my grandparents lived in this big, yellow house in the countryside and I remember it as this bright, warm and very positive place! It was surrounded by  a large, dark forest that my grandma used to call The Forest of Fairy Tales” and in their huge garden they had an abundance of sweet berries and I had a legit fort my grandpa had built for me at the edge of the forest. I really miss that place, almost as much as I miss my grandma!

33: Talk aboutwhat you do when you are sad.

Pretty much the same thing I do when I’m sick, I try to drink gallons of tea, stay comfy and watch something lighthearted and uplifting. Listening to Taylor Swift also helps me a lot if I feel down. The sound of her voice makes me feel at home and reminds me that things are gonna be okay, ya feel?

34: Talk aboutthe worst physical pain you’ve endured.

As a kid with cerebral palsy I pretty much grew up in hospitals and was subject to a lot of pretty painful stuff before I even turned ten, as a result my pain threshold is very high. Despite this I can’t really say breaking my wrist in a biking accident at about nine didn’t suck.

35: Talk aboutthings you wish you could stop doing.

I wish I could stop clinging to some of the more unhealthy coping mechanisms I have when it comes to my mental illness…Like I wish I’d stop starving myself and make myself sleep deprived on purpose and stuff…That’s not really healthy and I wish I didn’t cling to these things and instead could find healthier ways to deal with bad mental health situations. I’m working on this though!

36: Talk aboutyour guilty pleasures.

I don’t believe in guilt associated with interests of any kind. If I like something I like it, plain and simple!

37: Talk aboutsomeone you thought you were in love with.

This boy that sat next to me in my eighth grade math class, he was super nice and we were friends. Secretly though I was like OBSESSED with him, it was actually kinda cute. Sadly for 14 year old me I was too shy to ask him out though, which was just as well since it was clearly compulsory again and I was really crushing super hard on the cool punk girl in my social studies class who I just thought i really, really, REALLY wanted to be friends with at the time…I was too shy to talk to her too though sooo

39: Talk aboutthings you wish you’d known earlier.

That it’s okay to be both disabled and queer, the belief that you couldn’t caused me to stay in the closet (even to myself) for far longer than I needed to. you’re not “too much” just because you happen to be part of several minority groups, never forget that, kids!

40: Talk aboutthe end of something in your life.

When I was 13 I finally broke contact with my biological father and that was the end of a cycle of mental and psychological abuse. It was one of the best decision I’ve ever made and the most cathartic ending to any period  in my life so far. 

Thanks for all those questions, Bellz and sorry it took some time for me to answer them, I’ve had a busy week!

[hawkingbishop]

1/30/19 (cw: transphobia, homophobia, mental illness, bullying, trauma)

(tldr: ive lived a fairly self-imposed sheltered life and only recently have i started living and socializing. my past experiences with all sorts of bullying and other traumas have made it hard for me to have any type of lasting/healthy relationship. i am still learning. i dont ever mean to offend or hurt anybody. if i do will you please call me out on it and help me? thank you! i love you!!)

i wanted to talk to all my friends and family and whoever else might read this.

as most of you probably know i have borderline personality disorder, ptsd, adhd, anxiety, depression, and gender dysphpria. all of this has made it exceedingly difficult for me to make and keep friends and relationships of all kinds.

one of the hallmarks of bpd is "trying everything to avoid real or perceived abandonment". that means that im scared everyone will reject me or abandon me. if i think someone is going to abandon me i usually go into overdrive and try to apologize to them and try to fix the situation, but most of the time there is nothing to fix or apologize for. most of the time its just my paranoia. but in doing this i usually end up pushing them away. like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

i am clingy and needy and desperate for attention and affection. growing up i never really made lasting friendships/relationships. my first best friend moved away in 6th grade. i never knew my father. my cousin/best friend died when i was sixteen. and a multitude of other "abandonments".

in elementary school i think i developed the coping mechanism of being the class clown in order to get attention and to be liked. but in doing so i never really got to know anyone as more than an acquaintance or school/work friend.

and i guess i started being open and honest about myself to everyone in hopes of reciprocation? i dont know.

but add in gender dysphoria to that and things get more complicated. i grew up being bullied and told i was gay, girlie, a faggot, feminine, and all sorts of shit. so i grew up getting taught that the way i felt was wrong. i was a boy not a girl. and i could never be one. so i pushed those feelings down and tried to ignore them best i could.

in doing that i think that started the heightening of my depression/anxiety. i was depressed because i was ignoring who i am. i was anxious because i was afraid to do or say the "wrong" thing and make people hate me and disown me.

adhd made it hard to concentrate in school and work. it got much worse as i got older. in my school days i used multiple coping mechanisms to help the adhd, like be alone to be able to focus better.

because of the bullying and some assault as i got older i also have ptsd. which i think just compounds the fears of rejection/abandonment. im afraid of it happening again.

and you cant get hurt by others if you dont associate with anyone. so ive isolated and avoided most of my life. which made the depression/anxiety worse too.

all of my disorders and illnesses combined to make me what i am today: a grown woman whos really only three years old and whos super clingy and needy but doesnt know how to really go about correct or healthy ways of getting the attention/affection i need. i give myself to everybody and get hurt most of the time because of that.

and i sometimes say/do things that hurt others. unknowingly of course. because i never really learned how to socialize properly. ive basically only just started living my life around 2016. so thats only three years of friendships and relationships. and even then, before now, ive only had two real relationships. and both ended badly.

i always try my best but sometimes i fall short. sometimes i misunderstand people or dont understand them at all. sometimes i feel really stupid because of this.

pretty much all of my friends and family have a better understanding on how to live. theyve been social much longer than i have. everybody else seems to have much more experience with peopling.

i make mistakes often, but i always try to learn from them. im always trying to better myself. ive been in mental health treatment for about 13 years or so? its just really hard for me to instill all of that knowledge into myself. i try as hard as i can to implement all of the coping mechanisms ive learned over the years, but i tend to fall back on the unhealthy ones. like overeating, isolating/avoiding, sharing too much, etc...

so i guess what im trying to get at here is: im very sorry to all those i have hurt with my words/actions. i would never in a million years wish to do that to anybody regardless of who they are or what kind of person they are. i always try to be a good, respectful, trusting, kind person. but i fail sometimes. as we all do. it just takes me failing the same thing multiple times to fully understand where i went wrong.

i am trying. i am trying so hard. please be patient with me. and if you can, please help me figure my way out in this complicated world. i need you all and sometimes its hard to ask for help. so heres me asking: help me be the person i know i can be, the person you all need.

thank you. i love you all.

-Rebecca Philippa Ann Tollingworth

ps. if you need me to clarify or expand on any of this ill be happy to. or if you have tips/advice, etc... just shoot me a private message.

pps. i forgot to talk about my weight. along with the homophobic/transphobic bullying i received there was also fatphobia. i was always called fat and chubby and ugly. so this definitely played a role in my aforementioned hesitance to socialize.

my self-esteem was so low for so long for so many reasons. and because of that i had a hard time actually getting close to people. its one thing to be near a person and spew your story but its a whole entirely different thing to actually first trust them enough to share, and know they actually care and want to listen.

if you scream into the void its unlikely to scream back. if it does then youre probably in some eldritch horror nightmare realm and you should fucking run my dude.

[kodomomori]

Back at it again Update

06-04-2017 Prepare for a wall of text, but I figured I should update. I do like to look back at my shit and get a feel for how things are going. When I said I was going to get my shit together last time, I hit that 185lbs and like normal plateaued pretty damn hard. Fell into a bad frame of mind and fell off the wagon like usual. No excuses here. I maintained going to the gym regularly because I enjoy it. Right as I started eating like shit again I ended up getting super sick in November. Strep throat followed by pink eye (caused from the antibiotics) into a bad case of bronchitis. I haven’t been sick since high school. So this led to eating like shit and feeling like worse shit. Holidays hit me like a train wreck and I continued eating like shit. I came to the realization mentally that I wasn’t doing well, and went though some shit emotionally where I began accepting shit that happened to me as a child. Without getting to deep into the emotional shit, I had made excuses for the ways I was treated in my teenage years. Only until I saw a video that touched me hard, did I actually admit to having an abusive childhood. My mother was a heavy alcoholic, and so I am an adult child of an alcoholic. Many of my personal issues and some of my character traits make complete sense when compared to other ACoA’s.  In a sense, coming to this realization has helped me immensely. Part of my weight loss struggle is due to using food as coping mechanism. Now that I’ve opened my eyes and know what my reasons are I can finally have closure and work on my eating habits. I have an unhealthy relationship to food and must address my habits in order to not fall back as I always do. My weight loss over the last few years has been one hell of a roller-coaster. But now that things make more sense I should have an easier time preventing myself from fucking up again. I got back up to 220lbs by March. Started actually trying to Keto off and on again in April. Didn’t getting serious until the beginning of May and was back down to 209. I went on vacation 2 weeks ago at 209.8lbs. I enjoyed myself and drank WAY too much. When I came home a week ago I was back up to 217.8 and I had felt like my entire month of doing well was shot to shit. It’s been a week since I’ve been home. Went back to the gym for the first time in two weeks (didn’t go the week before we left) on Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday to do a chest/tris, legs, back/shoulders/bicep split (everything is super sore FML) Checked my weight this morning and was back down to 209.4. So I managed to lose 8.4lbs this week. So it looks like I didn’t set myself back an entire month! I’m back on keto again. And my plan is a 4 day split at the gym. Chest/Tris, Legs, Back/Biceps and shoulders on the last day. I’ll be going Tuesday-Friday. I usually plateau around 200lbs and 185lbs.  So the plan is to add stationary bike 3 days a week for 30 minutes on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday when I hit 200lbs. Then at the 185lbs plateau I’ll restart the c25k program with a sit-up and push-up program on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. Sundays will be my off day. From my previous post I mentioned the training I’ve been doing and how I’ve progressed... so I think I’ll copy pasta and add my newer numbers now since even though I was food shitty, I tried to not train shitty. I’ve seen hella growth on the leg press and started bench pressing as well. ----------------------

Pectoral Fly: 70lbs to 90lbs. —> 130lbs  I could probably do 145 or more If I don’t bench so hard haha.

Shoulder press: 20lbs to 50lbs —> 55lbs ----> using 30lbs dumbbells now

Tricep Extensions: 80lbs to 115lbs. —> 170lbs ----> Now doing drop sets on cables starting at 57.5lbs in sets of 8s all the way down the rack

Low Row: 100lbs to 90lbs —> 120lbs ----> Still at 120 :(

Leg Extensions: 130lbs to 145lbs. —> Sticking to 145. ---> Still sticking to 145

Leg Press (my fav): 320lbs to 500lbs —> 840lbs -----> 1017lbs. Total of 20 plates + machine weight. KILLING IT!

Squats: 90lbs to 180lbs —>405lbs ---> started using actual squat rack. doing 1 plate comfortably for now.

Calf Press: Matching weight on leg press so 840lbs ---->18 plates + 117lbs for machine weight.

Hip abductors In: I can max the machines now. ---> Can still max

Hip abductors Out: Can max the machines now. ---> Can still max

Bench Press: Started with just the bar (45lbs) now up to 115lbs. My goal is to train to hit a 45lb plate on each side for sets of 8s. Rear Delts: 75lbs then a set on cables using 10-15. Chest Press (hammer strength): 140lbs ---> Still sticking to about 140 since I bench first. Depending on the day I’ll do it at 90 for more reps.

Lat Pull downs: 160 max ---> Started doing with the cable machine as well. 100lbs lat wide grip pull downs super setting with 100lbs under hand pull downs.

Shoulder Shrugs: 160lbs max --> about the same. Grip strength is shitty. Assisted pull ups 115lbs in sets of 8s with 4 total sets super setting with back extensions using body weight in sets of 8s. Dumbbell Chest press to failure with 30lbs dumbbells. Dumbbell inclined fly 20lb dumbbells in sets of 10

Laying down leg curls at about 65-70lbs Max of 90 but that shit hurts Front lateral Raises Cable at 20lbs Lateral Raises with 15lb dumbbells. (include front lateral raises and side as well super setting) ----------------------------- So let’s try this again. For the last time.

[th3kintsugi]

50 Questions

tagged by: @so-tired-yet-so-alive (THNX BOO!)

rules: answer all the questions, add one of your own and tag as many people as there are questions

1. coke or pepsi? to be honest, I don’t drink either of them. they have this weird taste and I prefer sprite or root beer

2. disney or dreamworks? DREAMWORKS

3. coffee or tea? Tea, definitely. I love a good coffee every now and then but I’m addicted to tea so much that if you cut me I’d bleed earl grey

4. books or movies? if it’s reading or watching movies then reading, but if its the book or the movie that came from the book......it’s still the book i love reading srry 

5. windows or mac? I don’t know enough about computers to choose but I have windows rn and i like it so....

6. dc or marvel? MARVEL

7. xbox or playstation? I’ve never played either of them before 

8. dragon age or mass effect? Dragon Age, but only cuz i saw the gameplay on youtube awhile ago

9. night owl or early riser? NIGHT OWL ASF.

10. cards or chess? It depends on the card game tbh, like if it’s blackjack or chess then i’d pick chess, but if it’s ERS or chess, then ERS anyday

11. chocolate or vanilla? *inserts that fish in spongebob screaming CHOCOLATE*

12. vans or converse? Converse all the way. they just really suit my style

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar? Lavellan, cuz those face tattoos are bomb as fuck

14. fluff or angst? maybe a mix of the two? I like stories that start out angsty and then get better. it satisfies both my pessimistic and optimistic sides equally

15. beach or forest? I have VERY mixed hair and do you know what mixed hair’s mortal enemy is? Fucking sand. Plus, the way that light reaches through trees is my aesthetic ngl

16. dogs or cats? I love dogs, but cats are so much more chill like me

17. clear skies or rain? RAIN. I get more inspiration for writing whn it’s rainy idk why

18. cooking or eating out? “eating out, take that in whatever way you will” - @so-tired-yet-so-alive Honestly this answer was pure gold so imma keep it here because damn this is good

19. spicy food or mild food? Spicy, good for the sinuses

20. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas? I didn’t grow up celebrating these, so Chanukkah cuz that’s what I grew up with (no I’m not Jewish, no I’m not going to explain)

21. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot? A little too cold becuz being a blanket burrito is another one of my aesthetics 

22. if you could have a superpower, what would it be? the ability to switch powers whenever I wanted, cuz if you look up in the dictionary for “Indecisive (adj.)” You’ll see three different pictures of me because I didn’t know which one to choose.

23. animation or live action? Live action

24. paragon or renegade? Srry idk anything about Mass Effect

25. baths or showers? Baths. They’re more comfy even though I take more showers

26. team cap or team ironman? Team Cap

27. fantasy or sci-fi? FANTASY

28. do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so, what are they? 

“The path to Heaven run through miles of clouded hell right to the top.”  

- Imagine Dragons, ‘It’s Time’

29. youtube or netflix? For entertainment and laughing, Youtube, but if I wanna chill ;) then netflix

30. harry potter or percy jackson? HARRY POTTER! They were written so well and I cried a lot. I haven’t read Percy Jackson, but I’d be willing to tho

31. when do you feel accomplished? Seeing people smile and/or being moved by something i did is honestly my ultimate goal in life as a stranger, as a friend, and as a writer

32. star wars or star trek? Star Trek, but only because my mom is a major trekkie and she didn’t even let star wars into the house so i’ve never seen them

33. paperback or hardback books? HARDBACK

34. horror or rom-com? rom-com, cuz i’ve actually never seen a horror movie

35. tv shows or movies? TV shows because you get to know the characters a LOT better over longer periods of time

36. favourite animal? my top 3 favourites would probably be ravens (they’re my patronus), wolves and barn owls

37. favourite genres of music? Indie, Alternative rock, Punk, and Kpop would be my top genres. I’m kind of a musical chameleon cuz i like SO MANY different genres like you should see my spotify playlists its crazy

38. least favourite book? FUCKING LORD OF THE FLIES

39. favourite season? Either autumn or winter 

40. song that’s currently stuck in your head? Young and Menace by Fall Out Boy cuz it came out last night and that shit is FIRE

41. what kind of pyjama’s do you wear? I don’t really like wearing anything other than underwear ;)

42. how many existential crises do you have on an average day? WAIT IT’S NOT JUST ONE CONSTANT CRISIS??

43. if you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be? Would it really matter if I can’t hear it?? Hmmmm probably Anna Kendrick - Cups (cuz they’re gonna miss me when I’m gone) haha I’m so sorry

44. favourite theme song to a TV show? The fresh prince of bellaire theme song cuz NoStAlGiA

45. harry potter movies or books?THE BOOKS

46. you can make your OTP become canon but you’ll forget that tumblr exists. will you do it? i don’t really have an otp and if i did then NO! WHERE ELSE AM I GOING TO SPEW MY UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS?!?!

47. do you play an instrument and if so, what is it? Sadly, I cannot play an instrument but i’d love to learn the piano and/or the harp

48. what is the worst way to die? honestly any way that’s slow

49. if you could be entirely invisible for a day, what would you do? For only a day?! Go to D.C and shake my bare ass at the president Hmmm maybe sneak into movie theaters and watch them for free

50. (my question) What are you planning on doing with your life? Well I’m glad you asked I’m planning on going to college for a major in english and a minor in photography so I can become an author and photographer :D

YAAAY this is one of the first things I’ve been tagged in despite me being on the website for like idk four years, so it was fun!! I’m tagging @kihyunslips, @cjphoenix135, @literally-just-yoongi-trash, @realistic-but-optimistic, @twisted-decisions, @tabby-flenderson, @onlywanttobeyourequal, @asalookslikeloki, @canislupusdingo, & @im-made-of-vanilla

[noonachronicles]

so how are you holding up? I know you said that you weren't super worried about this whole shitshow a few days ago but really everything has changed. unfortunately, we're basically going into quarantine mode for a while. all schools are closed, the university is online, and they had road blocks up around the big streets around my neighborhood to attempt to stop the college students from getting drunk for st patricks day which didn't work anyway. ive been in and out of different phases (1/2?) -bg

this whole time. I was paranoid at first, then just not caring, and then we started fraking out again, then I got angry and sad because at this point everything ive been looking forward to this whole year will probably be cancelled and then school was shut down and I was ecstatic because no forced human interaction. also my parents (dad especially) are being super paranoid about the whole thing (we've been hoarding food for a month) which doesn't help anything. and now im basically (2/3) - bg

not allowed to go anywhere which kinda fucked me up. yesterday I had to do the ap practice test for the class I take at the university at home (which I couldn't even start one of the essays and almost cried) and due to timing I didn't have tie to go skating. I was kind of under the impression that I could go today, but again, basically not allowed to do anything. and is just the fucking ice rink, its not like ill be touching people and I have my own skates. and also it now refuses (3/4 sorry) bg

to warm up, so I don't particularly want to go outside. its sunny, so It looks warm, but its actually cold and im not riding my bike in 30 degree weather. personally I think my parents are being kind of ridiculous, like cautious is fine but this is kind of extreme. itll be like this for at least three weeks, maybe more and we're already tired of each other. sorry bout my little rant. also if was to sneakily write you something for your birthday, who would you want it with? (4/4) - band geek

I’m honestly still not that worried and I’m not at all surprised because my reaction has been very true to form lol. I will get crippling panic attacks over small inconveniences in my life but when like mass hysteria erupts for everyone I tend to remain very chill and unbothered.

My ability to depersonalize things can be truly astounding (and unhealthy really but that’s another thing). Mostly I haven’t processed that this is something I too am going through, it feels more like something I’m observing happen around me. I won’t really process correctly until everything has settled. My main concern has been the economic tidal wave that’s coming.

I’m the same in that I got/continue to get upset that this is happening like right before my birthday, and is ruining all my plans lol. Which I think has been a bit of a coping mechanism. I do wonder how long it’ll actually last. And I guess I somewhat worry about being stuck in this house with my family for two months or whatever it ends up being because they all work at places that are potentially going to have to shut down for while and I’m not ready for that much time with my family tbh.

I know it sucks that you can’t do the things you want to be doing but I do think it’s smarter, for the time being, to just be more cautious than you think you should be. The sooner we all get on board hopefully the sooner this hits the downslope.

Lol as far as writing something for my birthday I’d be grateful for anything. I thought your calligraphy was enough of a gift! 😂

[quietmonde-blog]

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, and 45 for jack :thinking:

lmfao I didn’t even realize this was an ask meme that’s how far into my own head I am recently also you’re a hell demon 

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?  A little screwdriver, a knife, her thin ( :( ) wallet, a hair tie, house key, and her phone. She doesn’t keep much in there, but she does have a little backpack she carries around a lot that might have some more things (it has a complete set of mini screwdrviers, for example, lol). 10. Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?  This is hard. Jack isn’t self conscious of her body (except for her lack of an ass), and she doesn’t really care what clothes she wears as long as they’re not ridiculously absurd or uncomfortable. It’s weather dependent if anything. Since she gets cold easier than most people, I’d say more clothing. Put Jack in an air conditioned building without a sweatshirt and she’ll freeze her ass off. She impulse steals beanies all the time for her cold lil’ head.   Thinking more on it Jack does not like to feel out of control, and while she’d take any stares received from wearing revealing clothing in stride, she wouldn’t enjoy it on a daily basis. She has to be in the mood. When she goes clubbing she dresses very sexy. 15. Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?  Jack has never had much of either. She is possessive over her money, favorite clothing items, electronics, and tools. This sounds like a lot but it’s really just a few items that could easily fit into a small backpack. She is not preoccupied with obtaining more possessions, and does not care about name brands and getting the latest of anything. She lives paycheck to paycheck and can’t afford to.  If Jack won the lottery she would spend a shit load of money very freely, treating people she likes to all kinds of lavish things. But she has very little, and the idea of that little amount being taken from her puts her on edge. She’s already had to leave all her possessions behind once in life before and it didn’t fuck with her too much (she had a lot of other bs to worry about at the time). I’d say she isn’t preoccupied with materialistic things but has been without key items like a winter coat and money for food so until she is living more comfortably will continue to be very hesitant to share the few things that give her a sense of normalcy.  She is preoccupied with making money cause she needs money. Lol. 20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?   Jack is very skilled in social manipulation, and a a lot of this skill was honed via observing others and comparing herself to them. She grew up very isolated from others and had to learn how to seem normal (or at least close enough to it to avoid questions). She knows she got the short end of the stick compared to most people, but she almost takes pride in it at this point in life. I guess that counts as self-validation? But in the same vein it’s criticism, because she uses what she learns via comparing herself to others to become better at manipulating situations in her favor.   Right now Jack is just turning 18 and so things are changing some. She’s getting frustrated more and more when comparing herself to people, because she’s an adult now and doesn’t have the basic opportunities most people have due to her lack of documentation and education. She doesn’t even know if her birth was registered and is scared of what might happen if she’s found out. She wants to be able to apply to higher paying jobs and not fear for her safety all the time. This is less self-critical and more critical of her circumstances, but it’s definitely making her less and less optimistic for her future, which is sad in someone who is usually a happy person. On the other hand, she’s studying for her GED in order to help her pass the test if and when she figures the documentation thing out. So some good came from the frustration.  Jack doesn’t criticize herself much regardless of circumstances. She’s still a cocky little shit. 25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?  Jack does not trust easily. While she doesn’t necessarily think everyone is out to get her, she is always prepared. After being abducted at 13 she vowed she would never be that vulnerable again. She doesn’t consider it paranoia since she’s literally had almost all the things she takes precautions against happen to her.30. What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?  Weakness, even in herself. Jack has PTSD from events in her childhood, but she doesn’t know that/hasn’t been diagnosed and so she hides all the panic attacks and tells nobody of the intrusive thoughts and how much of a dark place her mind can become. Instead she abuses various substances and pretends she just does it for fun rather than as an unhealthy coping mechanism. She acts like the anger she can exhibit when fucked up is just a result of the drugs and not all the pent up emotion inside of her.   Jack does not deal with people she perceives as mentally weak.  In this way she can be a bit ableist, but usually if she understands that a mental illness is present she will be considerably less harsh. Tears do not earn sympathy with Jack; they repulse her. She demands a level of toughness in her friends and will consciously or subconsciously take advantage of weaknesses she finds. 35. How does your character behave around people they like?    She is gregarious, witty, and at a certain point (once great trust is earned) a little bit possessive. She feels comfortable debating literally everything and pushes people’s buttons a little more, curious to see what makes them tick. She feels the need to establish that she can function just fine without them and is only around because she wants to be, but also becomes protective and even caring. The protective bit stems from the fact that despite being an underweight 18 year old girl Jack sees herself as practically invincible, especially compared to other people. She doesn’t think anything can take her down.   She will not communicate her affection for people with words, because she sees this as something weak people do. But if Jack cooks for you, builds things for you, or goes out of her way to see you on the regular, you’re probably important to her.   She is much more relaxed around those she likes, but she pretends to be relaxed around those she hates, so.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ How does your character treat people in service jobs?   She doesn’t kiss their ass but isn’t rude. She doesn’t go to places that require tipping, because they’re usually out of her price zone, but she’d tip 15% - kind of bad, but she doesn’t know. What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?  Jack is 90% sure she’s going to hell so tries not to think about that.  

[rette-x-mich]

5/26

I feel like I may explode into a thousand tiny pieces. I haven't felt this incredibly stressed out and anxious in a very long time. Being an adult sucks. Being a college educated adult stuck in a profession no one gives two flying fucks about sucks. *My car needs all new tires, so does my husbands. (600$ for mine alone) *I've been getting migraines daily and I've come to finally accept that I really need to get new lenses because I'm four years overdue and can barely read road signs anymore. (300$ if i end up finally picking up my new frames I bought two years ago that I couldn't afford paying off. $200 if I just use my worn out frames) *i still owe almost $200 to my grandmother-in-law for paying to get my car fixed. She's so kind and giving and hasn't asked for the rest and probably won't. But she shelled out over 800$ on the spot for me. I feel wrong not paying her back as soon as I can. *i still haven't bought my bridesmaid dress yet. I thought I had extra money this month for it and I don't even know where it went. I haven't ordered out in a while and have been packing my lunches. (200$) *i did order $100 worth of stuff for my face and health (my facewash stopped working and this one has really good reviews. my greens are the only thing that keeps my bowels in check. Sorry tmi) the next day I called to cancel, but it was too late. Still waiting for the shipment to send it back. Probably gonna have to eat like $30 for the shipping. Stupid impulsive buy. *i need new acne medication (40$) *i need new migraine medication ($50) *i still need to see a new gyno (should be free if I just tell her everything during a Pap smear I hope.) * I wanted to start counseling, but at 40$ a pop, I can't. * im supposed to be throwing in money for a bachelorette party, but the MOH says she can't tell me until a couple weeks before how much money because "can't book things this early and it may change if People drop out" okay but am I really responsible for paying more money because someone cancels? * still no news on what I have to give for the bridal shower *feeling like shit that I wanna drop out of my friends wedding because new glasses and less migraines sounds really good and I can't afford that AND a dress. Dress has to be ordered by July. In the mean time, I can't really afford to pick up my migraine medication either. *afraid my friend won't want to be my friend anymore if I drop out *feeling dumb that I can't afford a $200 bridesmaid dress *feeling like shit that i come home stressed out and don't want sex *feeling like shit that sex hurts me and makes me not wanna have sex *stressed out at my job because my case load keeps getting bigger and the in office demands are getting more time limited *frustrated that no job I've applied for has offered an interview even when I follow up *annoyed that jobs for my degree only pay 30k a year *overwhelmed by the thought of going back to school because even a masters degree only makes about 45k. *feeling out of control because I don't know where to go career-wise from here. *frustrated that my husband doesn't understand how stressed I am because he "just doesn't let things bother him" *scared because I'm having more and more anxiety symptoms. I can't talk to new people without my body going totally rigid and then my body shakes. It's really noticeable and I'm pretty sure why I didn't get called back after a job interview a few months back. I've been doing a better job at controlling it but it takes a lot out of me because I have to concentrate really hard on keeping my body relaxed. Also getting annoyed at myself for sweating profusely and not being able to breathe when I go to the store alone. Like. That's not even a big deal. I'm not talking to anyone. Why is my body going into panic mode? I'm just overwhelmed, you know? And I don't know how to handle that...not in a healthy way anyway. I'd like to get drunk tonight because that usually helps. But I can't afford that either and that's super unhealthy and not a good coping mechanism. Self harm isn't an avenue I can go down anymore. Coloring doesn't really help much. Writing doesn't help much. Venting just annoys people.

[kurtismarleau-blog]

The Social Deconstruction of Social Media.

I have an addiction to my cell phone. I believe kicking this addiction would be just as difficult, if not, more difficult than someone quitting smoking. This is the direct result of the digital revolution I have grown up to be a part of. It’s become a coping mechanism, an outlet, and a form of self gratification. 

I can get anything I want through this device. I can watch any TV show or movie, I can receive food delivered to my door and the only thing I’ll have to say out loud is “debit please”, I can go out on a date, I can reach any one of my friends or family or anyone in the world for that matter. I can buy clothes, music gear, computer parts, video games, and have it all show up to my door the very next day. I have access to an endless supply of knowledge on any subject. I can experience any form of art I can imagine through this device. Yet I know I suffer from an addiction because I never get a feeling of self fulfillment from my cell phone. The only thing I’ve ever received from my cell phone is a temporary release from whatever it is I might be feeling. 

When I pull out my phone the first thing I’ll typically do is check Facebook. Facebook is interesting because you have to assume everything you post is public despite being in the comfort of wherever it is that you just pulled out your phone. There’s a private messaging system on Facebook but even the privacy of that is questionable. Facebook is typically where I’ll have the deepest most meaningful conversations with my friends. Yet it doesn’t seem to register in any of our minds that having these conversations over Facebook is a problem. The time when I was most social on Facebook’s messaging system was the time that my agoraphobia was so bad that outside of going to work, I couldn’t go out during daylight hours without having a major anxiety attack. I’d go to the 24 hour grocery store at 3:00 AM and deal with the inflated prices to avoid face to face interaction. It never occurred to me that this was a problem. 

Face to face interaction is exceptionally difficult for anyone addicted to their cell phone. I personally have trouble maintaining eye contact with the people I converse with. I isolated myself from most of the world for two years and I had to learn how to be social in public all over again. It was a strange and difficult task and I’m still learning my way through it. I shouldn’t have to relearn basic social skills. The moment there’s a silence in conversation everyone in the group will pull out their phones and start browsing through some form of social media. I’m guilty of this as well. I’ve hungout with groups of people who will go hours without saying a word to each other while they browse their phones together. How are we supposed to develop meaningful relationships with each other like this? Everyone seems to want a girlfriend or boyfriend because that’s the only close relationship we seem to be still capable of developing. But even these relationships seem to be short lived.

Everyone on Facebook seems to claim they suffer from some form of depression or anxiety. I’ve dealt with depression since I first hit puberty which was before I was on Facebook. It’s hard to see depression in others. I don’t know how much time it took John to get out of bed this morning and I don’t want to compare myself to him because I didn’t get up until 3:00 PM today. I don’t see Tam having those borderline crazy, hand shaking, crying, aggressive outburst-y panic attacks that I have and I don’t really want to see her go through that. It doesn’t mean it isn’t there though. It just seems to happen to so many people that if I speak out about it my voice will get lost in the hundreds of cry's I see in reposted memes daily. The awareness movement has smothered the individual cases to the point they don’t matter as much as the awareness matters.

It’s weird the effects isolation has on the human mind. We think we’re not isolated from eachother thanks to our cell phones but every time we send a message rather than talk in person we’re pushing our loneliness and isolation deeper into the hole. Since the start of the digital revolution depression and anxiety rates have skyrocketed. It feels almost unrealistic to watch. It feels like maybe they’re suffering much more or maybe they’re suffering much less than what I am. Am I really depressed? Am I really anxious? Am I adding to the problem by sharing my stories? Will people think this is a cry for sympathy?

How do you temporarily cure depression in the digital revolution? That’s easy. Receive gratification from your peers. Likes, comments, and shares activate the rewards system in the brain, making the addiction harder to kick. When I write a Facebook post that receives 30 likes I feel good about myself for the day. Although realistically speaking at least 5 to 10 of those people didn’t finish reading my post as I��m always long winded. It’s not uncommon today to associate social media popularity with self worth. We care so much about what our friends and family think of us that we never focus on our ourselves. We focus solely on our image. 

This has affected our arts community in the most negative way possible. Social media promotes insecurity which is something a good artist cannot have. Insecurity limits the creative potential of an individual. If Tom were to put a peculiar piece of original music on to Facebook and have it be received negatively he may never compose another piece of music similar to that ever again. But what if Tom was pioneering a new art form in music? The potential will be ruined because of Tom’s own insecurity caused by the negative reception. 

I received inspiration for this from a recent interview with Trent Reznor. The following is what he had to say on the situation. "What has crept in is that everyone's a commentator now. The internet is giving voice to everybody thinking that someone gives a shit what they have to say and they have the right. I think, in general, that has created a toxic environment for artists and led to some very safe music. Artists are trying to make music to please the tastemakers that tell the sheep what to like. It's a vicious cycle and I think it's unhealthy. I don't see any Princes emerging on the scene today. I see a lot of people making formulaic, made to please, vegan restaurant patron-type shit. And I think it creates an environment where people are too fuckin' worried about what other people have to say. And people who have never made anything think it's okay to talk shit about stuff they have no right to talk about. You got a Facebook account? Nobody gives a fuck. You haven't achieved anything."