rette-x-mich

[rette-x-mich]

April 2019 update and changing blog

I thought I’d do an update since I haven’t in a while. But first! I will be posting any figure updates on my fitblr/main blog

Unfortunately these blogs aren’t under the same email. DM me for the new blog.

I always had my blogs separate because I was ashamed of my sexual challenges and depression . But I’m not ashamed and don’t want to hide my face anymore.

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My divorce was official in February. We haven’t spoken more than a couple hateful texts back in November. He started dating a girl the day I moved out (but according to fb, they’ve been together since January 2017. He denied this). They got engaged in November (two months after I left).

I don’t care anymore and that feels good.

I started dating again last month. I haven’t had sex since September. I feel better. I don’t hurt as much down there as I did when I was being forced to have sex. Every once in a while I still get unprovoked pain.

I still can’t wear tampons, so I think the overall issue still remains. My dermatologist thinks I have PCOS. I still haven’t found a full time job in Florida and thus don’t have insurance. So all medical treatment has been put on hold.

But yeah. Feeling much better mentally and not having sex reduces the majority of the pain I was experiencing.

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Don’t forget to DM me about my other blog.

I’ll be posting updates again once I get insurance and restart treatment.

[rette-x-mich]

Mid November update

A month back I posted about possibly meeting up with an old crush and how maybe we would try sex.

He’s visiting on Friday. I’m not sure if I’m going to go through with it or not.

The plan so far is to spend the day at a park or something and catch up, probably grab food at some point and see where the time takes us.

I’m excited, but nervous. But I know he’ll respect my choice either way.

I’m really touched/cuddle starved at the moment, so I’m at least looking forward to physical contact from the opposite sex 😂😂

I can’t tell if I’m empowering myself or just being pathetic.

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In my last post I mentioned a guy I met online who lived near my friend. We are still talking. We haven’t defined what things are and I don’t know if we will. So obviously he doesn’t know about this guy. Should I feel awful? I don’t. Because I still don’t think it’s realistic.

But we talk every night for hours after he’s off work. He’s trying to come down here in February (to visit fam) and wants to meet me then. He’d be flying into the airport near me, so I mean, it IS realistic that if he came to visit, we could spend some time together if I picked him up.

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As far as my vag goes, I’m relatively symptom free when I’m not sexually active. Right before my period, it hurts to sit and burns when I wipe. Other than that, it’s a normal vag. Haven’t had the ovary pain since September.

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And as far as the divorce goes, signed all the papers and also got a lawyer. Stbx has contacted me a few times regarding the papers and is being impatient as hell. Listen dude, I changed my entire life for this divorce, pretty sure you can wait a damn month for me to get my shit together enough to figure out the paperwork. 🙄

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All in all, things are okay. I’m still jobless which is putting some major stress on me, but I’m settling into the new area okay

[rette-x-mich]

November update

I’ve been online chatting with a guy who I have sooo many things in common with. He’s been respectful and hasn’t tried to show me his dick (how sad that I even have to mention that. I can’t talk to any dude without them sending me unwanted pics after two messages)

Turns out he lives the next town over from my friend who I’m currently visiting and his family lives a half hour from me where I live (another state)

It’s possible we may meet at some point in the future, but I find it unlikely.

But what this has showed me is that not ALL men are evil. I mean, sure he could turn out to be the same type of guy as the rest tomorrow, but so far, talking to him gives me butterflies.

I know that’s lame because we haven’t met, but I’m enjoying this feeling. This feeling I wasn’t sure I’d experience again or WANT to experience again.

I’m not totally over the idea of my husband, but I’m over my marriage. I want to move on.

And now I know I can.

I’m gonna find someone again who’s gonna give me those butterflies, who’s going to run around in my mind for hours on end, who’s kisses I’m going to crave, and who’s eventually going to love me.

I’m still worried about my pain issues, but I feel like things will be okay in the end. With the right person.

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There is no need to feel guilty. 🕊

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I definitely don’t trust men anymore. I’ve decided that I’m not going to meet up with the guy I talked about in my previous post. I think I still trust him, but I don’t want the headache of sex.

I feel really sexually traumatized. I don’t like throwing the word “trauma” around, but it’s how I feel.

I’m afraid to say the r word, but I feel like that’s what was happening most nights. There were some nights I told him to stop. I KNOW I was loud enough to hear. He didn’t stop and didn’t acknowledge me. Some nights he would ask if he could just finish fast....after I asked him to stop. It hurt so bad.

I woke up one night after passing out to him pulling my pants down in bed. I told him to stop and he wouldn’t. He denied anything happened the next morning. Told me I was dreaming. I woke up one other time that I remember with no undies on in the morning after a night of drinking. Even in marriage, consent is still needed.

Sometimes we’d be having sex and I was too drunk and high and would pass out during. But sometimes I did that on purpose because I didn’t feel it. That’s fucked up on my end.

I drank a lot during our relationship so that sex would hurt less. I couldn’t do it sober. Us being drunk helped me excuse him for pushing past my limits. Not hearing me cry. Not hearing me say it was hurting. Not hearing me saying no or stop.

I feel so messed up from all of this.

I’m afraid to trust men. I couldn’t even trust my husband. I’m afraid to let myself feel sexual attraction. I’m just afraid.

[rette-x-mich]

Neck Deep // In Bloom

[rette-x-mich]

October update

I mean, October is tomorrow.

I’ve almost been here a month. It’s slowly getting better. I don’t miss him anymore. I’m just lonely.

I’m not proud of this, but I started talking to an old crush. I’ve known him 11 years now. We stopped talking when I got engaged. Turns out he moved to Florida some years ago. He’s about 3 hours from me.

He’s awoken the sexual beast in me. Those feelings I couldn’t find with my husband anymore. I’ve sent this guy a few sexy photos. We talk about what we would do to each other. What he wants to do if I can control the pain. Things he can do to make us feel good that doesn’t involve penetration.

I should have walked away from my husband years ago.

He beat me down. He beat down my sexuality. I’ve always been a flirt. I’ve always enjoyed teasing and being teased.

When my husband and I started dating, the first thing he did was make it clear that cleavage tops were unacceptable. What if someone checked me out? I’d consider myself a modest person most days. I’m not huge on cleavage, but I felt like I couldn’t dress sexy anymore. If we went out on a date, he wanted me totally covered (yes. I see all the abuse now.)

I could have dressed sexy just to go to his place...but what if we went to the store? So I didn’t. I didn’t when we moved in together or when we got married. I couldn’t even wear a bikini at the beach.

I thought he didn’t like sexy photos because of it. At the end, he told me he was upset I was never sexy, never sent things like what I sent tonight to this guy.

Can you blame me?

Sex was painful. We couldn’t just have foreplay because he would always ask for sex. Even if we agreed not to. Of course I stopped wanting to be intimate. It’s not fun when you get chastised at the end for not wanting to have PIV sex.

I’ve never had sex with this guy. We’ve only ever kissed. But I’m curious. I’m excited that he isn’t demanding we have penetration.

I feel safe around him. I’ve slept over many times and he’s always respected my decision to not go past kissing. No matter how many pictures we traded or how many times I promised in the past that we would do things.

It’s sad that I think it’s amazing for a man to respect me. But, men don’t respect women anymore.

And through all my shitty dating experiences and marriage, he is the ONLY man I can name who never once pressured me to do something I didnt want. Never guilted me. Never got mad.

No meant no. Maybe meant no. I’m not sure meant no.

I’ve always felt safe with him.

And I want to know what sex is like with another man. (My husband was the only one I ever successfully had sex with).

So idk. We are just catching up mostly right now. Discussing what we could do. He’s left the ball in my court for if I want us to meet up again and if we go through with this stuff.

No strings attached, like always.

We will see.

[rette-x-mich]

My new dermatologist has a feeling I may have pcos cause of all my skin issues

I mean, that’s what I’ve been saying to gynecologists for years, but WHAT WOULD I KNOW

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I can’t do this again. I don’t want to be alone again.

The past few years were such a fucking cruel joke.

I know I’m probably being dramatic like usual. But right now I don’t want to be alive anymore. I can’t even say things will get better.

No one else is ever gonna want me again because I can’t have sex.

My best friend isn’t talking to me cause I couldn’t fly to her for her bday cause of my divorce.

I don’t have my husband to talk to.

All the “friends” I had at “home” are too far and we were never close anyway.

I’m alone.

I’m back to where I was 4 years ago. I let myself believe I had overcome the worst. I looked back on those years and was so happy they were over. Now I’m here again. And I don’t want to do it again. Life has no meaning to me.

[rette-x-mich]

I'm nervous. My gyno can’t mail my lab work back until the doctor speaks with me about my results.

I had a few tests done.

Hormone panel, thyroid levels, and two other things I can’t remember.

I wanted the hormone panel because of my low sex drive. My friend just had one done and her testosterone levels were crazy low. They want to do hormone therapy which should help her sex drive.

I suspect this is my issue too.

Too bad I’m already moved away. I wish my husband could have at least waited to hear my lab results.

I feel so alone.

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I don’t feel like I can do this.

But the days are going by regardless.

I left 9/9.

I cry a lot. I wasn’t happy. Leaving didn’t help. There were still times he made me happy.

Idk.

Time is the only healer right now.

I have no motivation to keep trying at life currently tho. Not suicidal. Just defeated.

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I think I’m leaving before next weekend.

There’s nothing left for me here.

7 days max.

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15 more days until I leave.

I’m hurting.

I want the next two weeks to take forever, but they won’t.

I don’t want to leave.

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Having a hard day.

I don’t want to get divorced :(

I love my husband. I want to fix things. I want it to get better because I know it can.

I also know he’s treated me terribly the past year. And I don’t want to focus on the bad because there’s been a lot of good.

A lot of the bad has stemmed from my depression and general pain...which deepened the severity of my depression.

I’ve been thinking I was asexual and now i don’t think I am. We’ve still been having sex and

My stupid fucking body

Has decided that sex shouldn’t hurt anymore. And now that it’s NOT hurting, I’ve been wanting it. And I’m an idiot and keep letting myself have sex with him.

He said before I was missing passion.

Then the other night says I’ve been really cuddly (I honestly didn’t think I was ever NOT cuddly? I’m always trying to sit practically on top of him cause I hated not touching him in some way if I was near him)

And after a year of him saying he couldn’t tell me what passion is, finally said:

Passion isn’t something you do, but something you feel. It’s how you act. It’s looking into someone’s eyes and feeling love.

I asked if he felt passion could happen without being in love. He said maybe, but love makes it better.

And I just don’t fucking understand. I don’t understand how I didn’t give him that.

He said sex has been satisfying lately.

But he won’t stay.

And I’m an idiot for wanting to stay.

He’s the only one who’s ever made me feel worth something. Even through this stupid divorce he’s reassuring me that I’m good (just not what he personally needs)

And I don’t fucking understand.

[rette-x-mich]

You deserve someone who will stay.