#it is seriously just emotional abuse into lovebombing

[heretherebedork]

So we literally have Arc causing a car crash and then instantly panicking about Arm only after he realizes what he did...

Oy vey. Really? We're gonna use this car crash as an excuse to change his character or are we gonna get an arc at all? Nope. Just instantly changes and their entire relationship changes instantly. Oh, okay. Thrilled to be here. Great. Loving the instant character change.

I hate bullymances and the hardest part is when they do something like this where everything just Instantly Changes. Sigh. Why am I supposed to believe that or even care?

Anyway, Arc still sucks and I doubt he'll get a character arc and he's an emotionally abusive fuckwit lovebombing Arm after hurting him and I am gonna hate it here so much.

[sparrow-the-tired-lesbian]

What behaviors count as emotional abuse?

Like if she would compliment me a lot and give me attention, but would also imply that she doesn’t want to spend time with me, then what is that?

What if she asks me to spend time with her, and makes sure I’m free that day, then when I tell her I am she acts almost completely uninterested?

What if she immediately ignored me after I stopped going out of my way to see her?

She never overtly insulted me or anything, and she did favors to me too.

Am I being dramatic and overreacting because I see everything as a sign of rejection, or was she purposefully leading me on?

And if so, is that emotional abuse of just Not Nice Behavior?

Oh hello past me

In all seriousness you have full permission to DM me for further questions but here is my two-cents:

I am not sure if that is emotional abuse, but it is certainly not good. I had a girlfriend for a while that would on and off date me. All she ever complimented me for was my looks. I’m fully aware that I’m a sexy bitch, but that was all she told me. She would touch me and talk about how pretty I was but never anything about my personality or anything. She once asked me if I could come to her place for a night when we weren’t even together and talk about our complicated relationship and I told her I was free and she never responded or let me know a time or date. That’s a long winded way to say that being with her was exhausting, because she was so beautiful and she’d touch me in such a way I had never been touched before and said sweet words in my ear but never actually cared about me in the way my current partner does.

She never responded to my texts but lovebombed me when I was around her. She never talked about my feelings or how she loved my writing but she loved my body and how it fit in her hands.

Moral of the story: It is absolutely not okay for a partner to act that way to their partner. I highly suggest that you cut loose from your girlfriend. She seems like she’s playing with you.

[razzithold]

Joker was incredibly deliberate and calculated about pulling Harleen into the darkness and into his control. From the start when she was Harleen his psychiatrist he lied every step of the way to garner her sympathy and trust and affection. In more than one instance he verbatim stole the sob stories of other inmates (such as Ivy's childhood backstory in the Harley Quinn animated show) and changed just enough details to make it his own. He's a pathological liar that got good at crocodile tears.

While it was at times used as a punchline and is not given the seriousness it deserves, it IS addressed in the Harley Quinn animated show that he was more than just a dysfunctional boyfriend - he was a calculated abuser and he'd actively try to kill Harley in order to get at Batman. She was a pawn to him. Any attempts at reconciliation with Harley were him breadcrumbing and lovebombing her to keep her under his control. And it worked for far too long. Classic cycle of mental and emotional abuse - feign guilt and ask for forgiveness for wrongdoings, claim he's going to change and be better and then not match his words with his actions, maintain a phase of lovebombing to lure his victim into a false sense of security, then go back to the emotional manipulation and control and ramp it up in severity until there's an explosive argument or incident, then do it all over again.

Even in iterations where Harley is still with the Joker, it is clear it is an abusive and controlling relationship. Harley was codependent yes, and trauma-bonded, and in instances where she stayed with him she was his flying monkey and enabler, because some victims of abuse aren't fully aware they're victims of abuse and may even defend their abuser. It's sadly common for abuse victims to get back with their abuser more than once and take multiple incidents and breakups before they finally can leave their abuser for good. It's hard to remove the rose colored glasses.

That's a big reason I Headcanon Harley as having BPD ie Borderline Personality Disorder - the Joker being her favorite person and her resulting intense codependency would be a big factor in why it was so hard for her to leave him. The cycle of idealization and devaluation splitting on said FP would keep her in that volatile relationship. It would explain her identity issues of masking and putting on that act of ramping up her accent and calling him puddin' and acting in such a flamboyant manner in order to please her FP. It would explain her intense mood swings and blind rage when her FP was injured or endangered. It would explain her impulsive thrill seeking and ultimately self harming behaviors.

People with BPD are very often longtime victims of abuse both in childhood and adulthood and can easily fall into abusive relationships because once they latch onto someone as Their Favorite Person, they can get blinded by their infatuation and not recognize the red flags and manipulation. Even when self aware, it can be hard to stop the descent into latching onto a person to an unhealthy level.

Harley Quinn does and always will deserve better than the Joker, because he has and always will be an abusive manipulative person.

It's kinda starting to get under my skin the amount of adaptations like Birds of Prey or Harley Quinn TAS that present Joker as just kind of a bad inattentive boyfriend to Harley. As if the worst he did while they were together was forget their anniversaries or make her feel underappreciated. Let's be real clear, the Joker is an abusive (in every imaginable sense of the word) monster who hurts Harley for his own sick amusement and spent years breaking her down emotionally, reducing her to a broken shell of a person so he could remake her in his own image. Harley Quinn suffers from severe abusive codependency. Though I suppose it's asking too much that we acknowledge that because god forbid she ever be allowed to be anything besides a quirky girlboss, that mass market ain't gonna appeal to itself is it?

[fairymascot]

what are your biggest problems with the eat bang kill tour series so far? art is fire tho for sure

HOO BOY where do i start

*it's criminally unfunny. this might seem minor compared to my other grievances with it, but it's a pretty huge flaw. hqtv is a show where i can pull up any episode, and i'll be laughing my ass off in no time. it's got some seriously masterful comedy, be it zingy one-liners or incredibly elaborate, surreal scenarios that get more and more beautifully ridiculous as they progress. tee franklin is incapable of reproducing either type of humor. i have not so much as cracked a grin once in four issues. it's a comedy series, people, hire someone with a sense of humor!

*the plot is string-thin and meaningless. they are on the run from gordo-- never mind that they could kill him in seconds if they wanted-- and every issue they end up someplace new, a random character makes a pointless cameo where they utter approximately three sentences and then disappear with no effect on the story. harlivy fight over something petty, make up and have sex, and then they move on to the next location where the exact same series of events occurs. there is no change or evolution over the course of the story, there are no twists and turns, you don't get to see new sides to the characters... it's all just repetitive and pointless.

*the characterization sucks ass. harley is careless and ditzy, retaining none of her emotional intelligence or the maturity she's gained over the course of two seasons. she never understands why ivy's upset and is completely helpless to deal with the difficulties in their relationship, despite canonically being a genius psychiatrist with a profound understanding of ivy's psyche.

ivy is the worst offender. she's characterized as angry, petty, toxic, and like she honestly can't stand to be in harley's company for more than five minutes at a time. i have no idea who tee franklin thinks she's writing, but it sure as hell isn't ivy. ivy in the show is endlessly patient with harley, she LOVES her and spending time with her, she is not at all annoyed by her mood swings and capriciousness because she understands that's part of the package. and when she's TRULY upset with harley, she doesn't lash out and belittle her-- the opposite, she bottles everything up. the way she's treating harley in this series is so far removed from canon, and 'she's upset because of the wedding' stopped being an acceptable excuse three issues ago.

*most of all, i really cannot forgive how she took Harlivy-- the BIGGEST lesbian couple in all of comics right now, a relationship that's globally adored by fans, and proceeded to shit all over it. the reason harlivy is so loved is because it's a narrative of two broken women who lift each other up. their relationship, while ofc not without its flaws, is about mutual love, support and healing. and franklin writes them as toxic and abusive with ivy constantly treating harley like garbage for no goddamn reason, and then turning around and lovebombing her so harley gets over it until the next time (which is typically five freakin' minutes later). it fucking sucks, it's not who they are, it's taking an iconic couple that fans have been waiting to see in an explicit romantic relationship for literal decades, and dedicating a whole miniseries to ruining that relationship. it's absolutely infuriating.

[young-dumb-and-vaccinated]

Cult Girl: Doctorate (Hannibal x Pregnant!Female!Reader) pt. 12

Cult girl deals with an unexpected and unwelcome guest.

@wisesandwichshark @pearlstiare

Trigger warnings: pregnancy, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, infidelity, threats of violence

Step three: kill Anna

So maybe there was an understanding that the pregnancy was to be kept secret from Anna.

The withdrawal of Archie and Max from the picture left a hole in the plan. Just when it looked like you had secured that much-needed victory, it shriveled up and died right before your eyes. That much was certain. Everything else was a big question mark.

Ever since he felt the baby kicking, Hannibal became even more hopelessly enamored with the idea of being a father. He never mentioned it, of course, but it was there. It was there in the way he cooed at your stomach and how his hand lingered after he felt a kick. He was in heaven.

For a few days, it looked like the downward trajectory was beginning to flatten. Then you remembered your favorite line from Ryan Reynolds' Deadpool:

"Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness." You repeated to yourself as your phone flashed Theresa's call icon.

It took you a minute to remember that Theresa in your phone was actually Anna, because you hadn't bothered to change it. In a way, it was symbolic. Theresa was the head you cut off, and Anna sprouted up in her place. All in the pursuit of making your life unbearable.

You pulled the toothbrush from your mouth and placed it next to the sink. Lazily, you brought the phone to your ear. "What?"

"Hey pretty girl!" Anna said, using her most transparently fake cheery voice. "How's it going?"

Then it clicked. You felt kind of stupid that you didn't see it coming. In the world of cults, this was known as 'lovebombing'; a manipulation tactic in which the cult leader showers their target with affection, compliments, validation or anything that would make them associate good feelings with the group. In any other context, it would be called 'ass-kissing'.

You narrowed your eyes in skepticism. "What do you want?"

"Jeez, who crapped in your corn flakes?" She scoffed. "Can't a girl just call her little sister to say hi?"

It would have been one thing to say 'cousin', which, despite your bad blood, would have been technically accurate. But 'sister' was crossing a line. The blood that binded you and Anna together was thinner than water.

"We're not sisters, Anna." You corrected. "Why are you calling?"

"I just wanted to let you know that all is forgiven." She said, slipping back into that phony cheerful tone. "That little fiasco at the funeral, it's water under the bridge."

What Anna didn't know was that the water under the bridge was never water, but gasoline. Every drop that flowed under that bridge only created a more dangerous blaze for when you finally burned it down.

"Awesome." You said, flatly.

"I also wanted to say, 'may the best woman win'." She jeered. "I don't want to alarm you, but Liam and I have been fucking like bunnies."

You gagged. "I'm not alarmed but I certainly didn't need to know that."

"I've been keeping track of my ovulation," She disregarded your objection and continued the conversation she wanted to have. "And I even put child locks on the computer so Liam can't watch porn. Can't spare even a drop, y'know. It's too crucial."

"I will literally let you have the entire inheritance if you please just shut up right now." You said through gritted teeth.

"Oh?" She perked up. "Come on, don't give up. Don't make it too easy. Winning is just more fun when someone else loses."

She was growing into her Theresa shoes quite well.

"Seriously, though," You raised your eyebrows. "If it means I never have to see you again, by all means. Take the damn money."

"You know I love you, right?" Anna blurted out, pretending to be offended. "You may not think so, but I love you like a sister."

Again, you fought the urge to feel bad for her. Her model of sisterly love was Theresa. She could use the word to invoke sympathy, but would never know what it meant. It hit your ear exactly the same as when fundamentalist christian strangers said they loved you and that's why they were harassing you. Just an empty annoyance.

You rolled your eyes. "Goodbye, Anna."

"Wait!" She shouted as if she was about to die.

You threw your head back in exasperation. "What?!"

"I wanted to give you a little good-luck gift." She said.

You were slightly interested. "Oh?"

"Yes." She answered. "Can I swing by and drop it off later?"

You sighed. "Whatever. As long as you make it fast."

You were most certainly noticeably pregnant, but a fluffy robe obscured any misplaced curves just enough. You just hoped she wouldn't ask why you were wearing a fluffy robe in July. Anna arrived at the house, with Liam, who was holding a small basket of colorful jars and bottles.

You waited a minute to see if she would just leave the basket on the porch, but she didn't. You resignedly opened the door.

"[F/N]!" She shouted with that hyper-enthusiastic smile. You cringed, trying not to let her presence trigger your morning sickness.

The smile disappeared from her face. "Jesus H, you look like hell."

You desperately wanted to inform her that it was the strain of growing a human inside your body, but you held your tongue and thought of an excuse.

"I'm hungover." You said. Yeah, that would work.

"The usual, I see." Anna snipped at you under her breath.

You eyed the basket. You didn't even bother to mask your disappointment when you realized it wasn't food. "What's this?"

"Oh, this?" Anna said as if she were starting a sales pitch. "This is my olive branch. My exclusive DoTERRA fertility rejuvenation kit."

Your brain refused to process that Anna had been sucked in to an MLM, as it was really only a matter of time. You just didn't think it would take this long.

"Dude, you're twenty-nine and I'm twenty-six." You narrowed your eyes at her. "What on earth are we rejuvenating?"

She pointed to a collection of little bottles. "So these are for the initial cleanse. Put a few drops of this in your food, and some of this in your bathwater-"

She rattled on with practiced certainty about the fictitious health benefits of thyme and geranium oils, how they promote fertility and whatnot.

"Thanks, Anna." You cut her off, reaching for the gift basket. You didn't intend to use any of it, but you could pawn it off on some struggling hunbot for less than they would buy it new.

Anna pulled the basket out of your reach. "Oh. I wasn't giving it to you."

Nothing surprised you anymore, and this was no exception. "I thought you said it was a gift?"

"Oh, god no." She shook her head. "This whole kit costs, like, five hundred dollars."

You grimaced. "So you came here to show me your snake oil collection?"

"I came here to tell you in person about this amazing business opportunity." She said, returning to her fake smile. "For just $1000, you can be part of this amazing company-"

"Anna, what am I studying right now?" You cut her off.

She looked at you with round, clueless eyes. She looked back at Liam for help. He tapped his head to give her a hint.

"I want to say..." her voice trailed off. "...brain surgery?"

You shook your head. "No. Liam?"

"Clinical psychology with a specialization in cults." He answered. "You want to be the next Steven Hassan."

Anna didn't deserve Liam.

"So you're saying you're too smart for me?" Anna said, crossing her arms. "You're too busy going to your fancy college, living with your fancy boyfriend to support your own sister's hustle?"

"I'm saying you're in a cult." You countered. "A pretty obvious one, at that."

"Oh, when your only solution is a hammer every problem looks like a nail." She scoffed. "You think everything is a cult. Why can't you just be happy for me?"

"I'll be happy for you when you accomplish something that isn't built off the backs of people you fucked over." You said, allowing yourself to finally snap.

Anna's jaw hung open. "Do I even need to gesture to this house? Those clothes? That degree? All paid for by your rich boyfriend."

It's time.

You stepped on to the porch and shut the door behind you. "Liam. I have something to tell you."

Liam handed the basket off to Anna and approached. "Alright."

"No she doesn't, Liam." Anna objected. "Don't listen to her. You know she's a liar."

"Liam." You said, looking into his eyes. "Do you remember Nathan Sparks?"

"Anna's ex from college?" Liam folded his arms and looked at his wife. "Vaguely."

Anna gritted her teeth at you. "I swear to fucking god, [F/N]-"

"Anna, stop." Liam cut her off. "Let her speak."

"Anna continued to see him for two years after you got together." You smirked.

Liam's dial-up internet brain sputtered to life.

"Oh my god." His mouth hung open. "...is he 'pineapple'?!"

"Nope." You said. "You are."

"Is this true, Anna?" Liam said, in the overlap between denial and anger. "Did you keep seeing Nathan after we got together?"

Anna threw the basket on the ground, jars shattering, releasing a noxious cloud of concentrated snake oil. She was too busy glaring daggers at you to answer her husband.

"Fine. Don't tell me." He spat, turning back to you. "I'll hear it from you, [F/N]. You're the only one in this family who's been honest with me."

"She only wanted to get with you because your uncle is CEO of that publishing house." You added. You felt bad for essentially rubbing salt in the wound, but he was right to assume he wouldn't hear it from anyone else.

He placed his hand over his head as if to nurse a migrane. "How could I be so stupid..."

"Liam-" Anna said, her voice jumping a few octaves.

Liam put up his hand. "I don't want to hear it."

"I'm sorry, Lee." You offered. Even though you loved seeing Anna caught, you felt bad for every person she victimized along the way. Liam was no exception.

He dropped his shoulders and sighed. "Thank you, [F/N]. I'll be out of your way, now. Anna--"

He stopped himself, presumably to avoid saying something he would regret. "...find your own way home."

He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked away, leaving Anna with you.

"Thanks for coming." You sneered at her, feeling around behind you for the door handle. "I'd call an uber if I were you."

"You twisted bitch." She scowled, hands hovering in your direction. "You just get off on ruining people's lives, don't you?"

"Oof, that's some serious projection, Anna." You said, unconsciously untying the belt of your robe and pulling it off your shoulders.

"You're-" She sputtered, her eyes growing to the size of personal pizzas. "You're fucking pregnant?!"

Shit. You thought, cycling through whatever braincells you had left for an idea of how to play this off as if you meant to do it.

"Surprise." You shrugged. Yeah, that would work.

"That's impossible!" She stammered. "You're- you're not even married!"

"Grandma never said anything about marriage." You grinned.

Anna struggled to find her words. "That is unfair!"

"So now that you're not winning, the game is unfair?" You raised an eyebrow.

She pursed her lips and pointed at you. "You aren't going to get away with this."

"Just like you didn't get away with cheating on your husband?" You taunted.

"I'm serious, [F/N]." Anna said, backing down the porch steps. "I will destroy everything you love just like you did to me."

For a half a second, the voice in your head told you to beware, that the threat should be taken seriously. Upon remembering it was coming from Anna, you pushed the thought from your mind.

You shouldn't have.

[unusannusquotes]

Today’s video got me thinking and I wanted to expand a little, since I have a decently large audience. This is a serious topic and there is a trigger warning for abuse, both in and out of relationships.

For one, seeing Mark open up hurt my soul a little but it meant a lot. We’ve been victims of emotional and physical abuse before. It’s something to take incredibly seriously, no matter your gender. Anyone can be a victim of abuse.

The other thing I wanted to touch on is the signs of abuse and toxicity, and not just in romantic relationships. For relationships, red flags to look out for in your partner can look like as follows (keep in mind this is hardly a comprehensive list):

Controlling who you associate with (family, friends, etc)

Suggesting leaving your support structures (moving, turning you against family)

Constant flattery and praise (known as lovebombing)

Alternatively, constant insults and harassment

Demanding to know details of where you are, when, who you’re with, etc.

Excessive jealousy

Blaming things on others, particuarly ex’s, or on you

Oversteps boundaries and ignores your opinions

Takes your money without consulting you

Moves too quickly in a relationship (such as suggesting marriage almost immediately)

Gaslighting (making you question your own memory or sanity, i.e, “That’s not how that happened,” “Are you sure you didn’t hallucinate that?”)

Red flags to look for in friendships can consist of:

Feeling as though time spent with them makes you feel worse

Your friend only wants to spend time if they need something from you

Your friend demands that they should be your only friend

You feel as though you have to make excuses for their behavior

They constantly point out your shortcomings

Relationships, no matter if platonic or romantic, should always be a two way street. If you feel as though the other person is taking more than giving, it may be time to question that relationship.

And please remember: if you are hit, if it ever becomes physical, that is your final sign. That is not healthy. It does not matter the context, you do not deserve to be hit. It is not out of love. Find a way to get out and take it.

Finall, I want to leave a list of resources for those who believe themselves to be victims of domestic violence:

https://www.thehotline.org / 1-800-799-7233 (The national domestic violence hotline)

https://www.domesticshelters.org (Finding domestic violence shelters)

https://www.acf.hhs.gov/fysb/resource/help-fv (Domestic violence hotlines/resources)

https://victimconnect.org (Domestic violence resources)

https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/state-resources (State by state resources)

[niuniente]

Hi. I wanted to ask a question: you're in a relationship, and you want to leave, but your partner threatens suicide if you leave. Is there a specific term for this sort of situation? There are lots of terms for specific types of abuse in relationships like lovebombing, gaslighting etc, so I'm wondering if this sort of situation has a term because I've seen several people do it (seriously, it's disgusting how people think pulling this sort of shit is okay)

Abuse. It’s abuse. Emotional black mailing and controlling. I had a male friend who tried this same to me when I was 20. I managed to endure it for 1,5 years, then I said “Fuck it. Not my responsibility if he decides to do that, it’s his desicion and I’m never responsible for other people’s decisions” let go and behold - he’s still alive, almost 20 years later. He just tried to blackmail me to be his friend because he needed someone to cater his sorry ass. He said the same things to me “You leave me, I’ll kill myself.”

I said “Fine” and left. It’s his own loss if he takes his life - which he will not, I ensure you. He just wants to keep you as his disposal and for his benefit with any means he can and threatening to make YOU responsible for HIS decision is pure blackmailing. This is the same what parents do when they make kids responsible for their feelings and happiness as parents. BLAH. 

So, in this case, when it’s seemingly abuse, just tell him “Fine. Whatever” and leave. No explanations, no messages. Delete all messages, block him, ignore him. If you need help from authorities or friends to get out, ask it. It really is not your responsibility to be someone’s personal therapist either. Give him some hotline numbers, tell to seek help and protect yourself from this abuse.

I recommend everyone who deals with men in close relationships from bosses to fathers, from boyfriends to exes, to read a book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lunfy Bancroft. You can read and download a free PDF-version of it from here.  

For your question, I have no term to give that except emotional blackmailing and emotional controlling. 

[borderlinepdfeels]

Hi. I wanted to ask a question: you're in a relationship, and you want to leave, but your partner threatens suicide if you leave. Is there a specific term for this sort of situation? There are lots of terms for specific types of abuse in relationships like lovebombing, gaslighting etc, so I'm wondering if this sort of situation has a term because I've seen several people do it (seriously, it's disgusting how people think pulling this sort of shit is okay) 

I could be wrong but I think its just considered emotional abuse and manipulation. Yes, it happens all too often and its horrible.

If someone says this to you know that

1. They are emotionally abusing you.

2. Their actions are out of your control and responsibility.

Lets be real, most of the time when they say this, they will not follow through, but if they do, it's not your fault. You need to keep yourself safe and put up boundaries and never allow them to be pushed. Don't stay in a relationship because you're afraid of what they'll do themselves, be afraid of what they will do and are doing to you. You can't control their behavior but you get to say its enough, and if they threaten this, walk out. Don't let them play you like that.

[exhaustedborderline]

Hi. I wanted to ask a question: you're in a relationship, and you want to leave, but your partner threatens suicide if you leave. Is there a specific term for this sort of situation? There are lots of terms for specific types of abuse in relationships like lovebombing, gaslighting etc, so I'm wondering if this sort of situation has a term because I've seen several people do it (seriously, it's disgusting how people think pulling this sort of shit is okay)

I guess I would just call it emotional manipulation. Can't say I haven't been that person unfortunately when I was younger and in a relationship. Which is part of the guilt I carry with me. Also one of the reasons I've stayed away from relationships ever since that relationship because being with someone made me act absolutely insane. ( I was undiagnosed bpd at this point and 16 with a 30 yr old man so it was a MESS ) I was terrible.

[boy-and-girl-crazy123456]

Hi. I wanted to ask a question: you're in a relationship, and you want to leave, but your partner threatens suicide if you leave. Is there a specific term for this sort of situation? There are lots of terms for specific types of abuse in relationships like lovebombing, gaslighting etc, so I'm wondering if this sort of situation has a term because I've seen several people do it (seriously, it's disgusting how people think pulling this sort of shit is okay) 

this is definitely a very common and recognized form of abuse that i’ve heard of and have had friends fall victim to before although i’m not totally sure if there’s a specific name for it? i tried doing a cursory google search to figure out if there is one but didn’t really see any articles with a short easy name along the lines of gaslighting etc for this specific scenario

i do also wanna say though i have no idea why my blog was asked this and don’t really know why you thought i’d know instead of just googling it or maybe at least asking a blog dedicated to emotional abuse resources or something

[such-justice-wow]

Hi. I wanted to ask a question: you're in a relationship, and you want to leave, but your partner threatens suicide if you leave. Is there a specific term for this sort of situation? There are lots of terms for specific types of abuse in relationships like lovebombing, gaslighting etc, so I'm wondering if this sort of situation has a term because I've seen several people do it (seriously, it's disgusting how people think pulling this sort of shit is okay)

I don't think there's a specific term for it. It's just a form of abuse and emotional manipulation

[traumathings]

Hi. I wanted to ask a question: you're in a relationship, and you want to leave, but your partner threatens suicide if you leave. Is there a specific term for this sort of situation? There are lots of terms for specific types of abuse in relationships like lovebombing, gaslighting etc, so I'm wondering if this sort of situation has a term because I've seen several people do it (seriously, it's disgusting how people think pulling this sort of shit is okay)

i don’t think this specific situation has a term for it, but it’s simply emotional manipulation/abuse. It’s the equivalent of the veiled threat a lot of abusive people make that they’ll leave if you do or don’t do xyz. This one is just exploring people’s natural empathy and care for another person and our tendency to help those who seem to be in need.

It’s particularly vile because even tho we can’t control what someone decides to do with their own lives, it will hurt and make people feel guilty regardless, because we’re naturally inclined to weigh in the impact our actions have on other people. Even if in this case the impact is fabricated by the abusive person.

Which is the whole point btw. They want you to feel bad, that’s why they’re being manipulative and using our most natural/good/kind instintics againts us. :) it pisses me off

this is also why even if you’re not actively machinating in the back of your mind that you want to use your mental health against someone, it can come off that way. which is why it’s so important to be mindful of the way we communicate our needs and our problems, because people can feel guilty and pressured abt it depending on how you’re bringing it to them.

this ask didnt need this much text lmao but there you go

[memoriesofthefuckingbullshit]

Looks fine so far, right? People are excitedly welcoming him, but still respectfully giving him his space. 

How wholesome. :D

Oh. The villain we’ve been dealing with for 8+ months appears. Wonder how people would feel about that. 

People are understandably annoyed The Bad Guy is here but there’s more excitement for Halloween than anything.

Not too bad though, everyone’s in a good mood since xPapyrus joined us and it’s amusing that xGaster is still in his halloween costume. The halloween event went pretty well-received, too, so that’s good!

? ? ?

Hold the goddamn phone. 

now give the phone to me. 

What did people actually do to warrant this response? 

What the fuck do you mean “they no longer wished for my rehabilitation”? 

They stopped paying attention to you for all of a minute to respond to someone else who talked to them, and now the OT is at fault for being overbearing and uncaring? 

Important: 

Event Masters are not the ones at fault here. They’re just doing as they’re told to play out the story Mania calls for, and probably do not even realize the impact their actions have on people since they’re told it’s all just pretend. When they are aware, they’re under threat by Mania to keep quiet. 

What’s happening below the cut is literally the same blame game as the xFrisk debacle. If you haven’t read that yet, please do, so you’re aware of the parallels. 

That’s why Dreamalgamate got introduced too, huh?

Fundamentally, this is the same as the xFrisk debacle.

This is punishing the players and blaming them for a choice they didn’t make. This is gaslighting participants for daring to care about fictional characters. The fact xPapyrus distrusted the OT and left with xGaster isn’t the issue here; it’s the ass-pull blame shoved onto the players as punishment for the simple act of having emotional investment. There are a hundred better ways for that to have happened without punishing people excited to see their favorite character after half a month of buildup. 

If xPap was simply distrustful of humans and preferred a familiar face, people would have been disappointed, but it wouldn’t have been the blatant gaslighting it is here. Blaming the actions of the OT as to why he left with xGaster is unfair since they did nothing wrong; they were literally preparing hot cocoa and blankets to welcome him whilst respecting boundaries. And his reasoning makes no goddamn sense: How dare people stop paying attention to him for one literal minute to respond to someone else who spoke? Yeah, okay.  

Jerking player emotions around for laughs isn’t just an asshole thing to do; it’s straight up bad storytelling.

This happened in November. Mania hasn’t changed since the xFrisk event won’t be changing anytime soon. Even if he is changing, he has absolutely no business in running a community event full of literal children with this level of sadistic glee or at the very least, irresponsibility with regards to their emotional health. 

Oh, and don’t even get me started on the 11/11 xG birthday event, or how the portrayal of Blueberror is straight-up just an excuse for more gaslighting under the guise of some kind of “being unhinged.”

Mania!Blueberror in a nutshell: 

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

This is not okay. 

This is not okay.

And it’s not simply a matter of leaving the event if it makes you upset; this event is a social commitment and people don’t want to leave their friends behind. 

Can we take a step back for a second?

Just one second?

And think about why so many people need breaks from the event for their mental health?

. . .

seriously, think about that for a moment.

. . .

WHY IS THIS AN ISSUE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

IT SHOULDN’T BE AN ISSUE PERIOD.

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

This is not okay!

There was even an announcement about it, to pre-emptively shift the blame to victims, and the abuse has only gotten more and more blatant since.

This is silencing the right to complain.

Another painful aspect of this gaslighting effect as well as the effects of trauma is that we begin to rationalize, deny and minimize the impact of the abuse in an effort to survive a hostile, toxic environment. We essentially begin ‘gaslighting’ ourselves and blaming ourselves for the abuse, though certainly not with the same intent or awareness as our abusers.

The level of internalized blame here is horrifying. 

This is not okay!

This is not okay!

This is not okay!

Look.

Intentionally upsetting someone and then blaming them for reacting is the bread and butter of narcissistic gaslighting. When chronically enforced, this will cause permanent mental harm to the victims who can’t even recognize what is happening to them. 

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

This is not okay!

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

. . . 

Wake up!

Main Post

Cited in article: 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/12/five-ways-we-rationalize-abuse-and-why-we-need-to-stop/

Outside Sources:

Wikipedia  - Gaslighting

Lovebombing, Gaslighting, Benching, and Ghosting

Abuse Through Online Roleplay

Gaslighting Definition, Techniques, and Signs of Being Gaslighted

Emotional Abuse in Non-Romantic Relationships

Signs an Abuser is Twisting Your Reality

Trauma: Big “T” and little “t”

[trinkets-and-spirits]

Hi. I wanted to ask a question: you're in a relationship, and you want to leave, but your partner threatens suicide if you leave. Is there a specific term for this sort of situation? There are lots of terms for specific types of abuse in relationships like lovebombing, gaslighting etc, so I'm wondering if this sort of situation has a term because I've seen several people do it (seriously, it's disgusting how people think pulling this sort of shit is okay)

Hi there, anon! I’m going to throw out a quick disclaimer; I’m not professionally trained in my knowledge towards abuse, and can only speak from my own past with it, which doesn’t fall into this same category—but I don’t want to ignore this.

(I’m also going to be using a lot of second person pre-tense!)

This is psychological & emotional abuse. Your partner is attempting to trigger an empathetic response towards them; thus pulling you back into their clutches, as you’re scared that they’ll really do something; and you’ll feel like it was your fault. The important thing to remember is, it’s never your fault. Abusers will pull these sorts of techniques, when they realise that their grip on their victim is loosening, and will ultimately take advantage of your vulnerability in the situation. You’re in a world of confusion; you know you need to get out; but you’re unsure on how to do that—and here comes the abuser, sobbing threats, and making you feel dim; reeling you in closer and closer...until you’re back in their web, back at step one.

This isn’t something that happens solely within romantic & sexual relationships, either. This can happen within any sort of relationship. Friendship; familial; hell, I’ve known people who have had their colleagues and bosses pull this sorta shit. Admittedly, I’ve had ‘friends’ and ‘family’ do this to me, and it’s only been within recent years—that I’ve started cutting them from my life. It’s an extremely toxic situation; and you’ve gotta keep in mind, it might be easier said than done, to pull a victim from their abuser. It’s very likely the abuser has conditioned their victim(s) into trusting nobody except for their abuser, thus keeping them isolated.

I’m going to offer some advice, as a victim to abuse myself. If someone wants to leave their abuser, but is fearful of doing so, because that person is threatening to commit suicide within their departure—call the police. I cannot stress this enough to anyone who might be reading this. Call the police, and explain the situation to them; give as much information about the abuser as you can, including any diagnosed disabilities & mental illnesses, as well as known addresses; and then wash your hands of the situation. 

Escaping abusers is a difficult process, and they’ll undoubtedly attempt to worm their way back into your live again, which is why you need to cut them out of everything. Block them on every social media; get a new phone number; find somewhere to lay low, possibly with friends or family who won’t sell you out, until you’re able to get back onto your own feet.

Anon, I also have some additional advice for you. If you're in a capable state of mind to offer future support to anyone close to you, who is a victim to abuse; it’s so important, that you support the people who might hopefully break the chains. It doesn’t have to be offering them a place to stay, if you’re unable to do that, but just being a shoulder for them to lean on—offering a connection that they might not have had for a long fucking time; is super important in recovery from abuse. They might push you away; they might isolate themselves from you, but there might be a time when they really need you, and that time is so very important. :’)

However! I must stress this, don’t force yourself to take on the load, if you’re not mentally able to handle such a thing. You can still be there for people; without putting yourself in a world of pain. I hope all of this makes sense, my dude. ❤

[not-poignant]

TGATNW has caused me to remember my love for blackice (that actually started bc of SAL). the way you characterize them is perfect, seriously. I'm so excited for the next chapter. the tsar is dreadful and I'm glad jack will get to experience something that may begin to unravel the deep-rooted indoctrination he struggles with. but onto the question: Is there anything that inspired you to write an antagonist like the tsar?

Hi anon,

Glad you’re enjoying the story and the characters! (Randomly, I’m having chapter block on number 20 so I went ahead and wrote 3300 words on chapter 21 because screw sticking to a linear timeline lol).

As for the Tsar, that’s…really complicated. I thought of a few different ways of answering this, lol. But basically, someone in my life treated me similarly, a number of years ago (but not that many years ago), and at the time I didn’t recognise it as emotional abuse (and quite severe emotional abuse) until I had kind of been absolutely shattered as a person (which isn’t hyperbole, though I wish it was). Because I’d experienced other forms of abuse before this in a fairly extensive way (physical/sexual etc.) it was like I’d somehow been blinkered to forms of abuse that weren’t those things, even while I was more susceptible to it because I do have abuse in my background already.

And I’d experienced emotional abuse before then definitely, but you know, in almost all the books on PTSD and abuse coming out around the 90s and early 00s (which is when I did the bulk of my research into my condition), emotional abuse wasn’t really a term. All its components were used to characterise other forms of abuse, as opposed to it being recognised as a singular thing of its own. So it wasn’t until it came up in my life more recently, that it was like ‘oh. crap.’

Obviously the Tsar is his own character and he’s written in a far more extreme way, because I don’t believe in writing people in my life into stories (I really don’t believe in doing that). But I did a lot of research into emotional abuse over two years in particular, while I was validating what I’d gone through (and also experiencing the phenomenon of how few people will validate this in general, it’s a very lonely process. I mean a lot of people struggle to validate any kind of abuse, I’ve experienced that too - but emotional abuse is a whole other…thing).

So, around early 2015, I began to think of the challenges of writing a character whose primary method of attack and antagonism wasn’t physical or sexual assault, but emotional manipulation / gaslighting / lovebombing etc. I also think… idk I enjoy trying to write different kinds of villains (though obvs I prefer the charming ones, lol). I think there are people out there who relate to Gwyn because of his manipulative cruel mother, or people who relate to Augus because of the Nightingale or even the Raven Prince.

Obviously Jack has known a few antagonists, like Crossholt too, but sometimes I think there’s solidarity in putting this out there in fiction and people going ‘oh I’ve experienced something like that, and I get to experience this character overcoming it / moving through it / healing / getting comfort.’ Sometimes, it’s the only way people can access any comfort at all about their experiences, and I’ve lived that too.

There’s also the fact that Jack has experienced other more formal kinds of abuse - government / institutionalised / etc. and what the Tsar does to him as an antagonist is so radically different to anything else he’s ever known that it seems wildly benevolent, even if quite a few readers know better. I have no idea if I’m writing it well, or writing Jack’s reactions to it well. But…well I trust the characters, see where they’ll take me. :)

Er so yeah basically tl;dr the thing that inspired me re: the Tsar are the things that inspire me re: most of my characters. Personal experience. I just kind of pull away some threads and create something entirely new out of it. Not autobiographical, but a form of truth about the things that we sometimes go through, and don’t see while they’re happening. At least in this instance. I wonder if sometimes people find those threads or see new threads and idk, there’s that moment of connection over a truth where it’s like, I’m no longer just telling a form of my own story, but like, a version of many people’s stories.

Okay shutting up now.

[moonrisetae]

Hi. I wanted to ask a question: you're in a relationship, and you want to leave, but your partner threatens suicide if you leave. Is there a specific term for this sort of situation? There are lots of terms for specific types of abuse in relationships like lovebombing, gaslighting etc, so I'm wondering if this sort of situation has a term because I've seen several people do it (seriously, it's disgusting how people think pulling this sort of shit is okay)

b4 i say anything, i would just like to state that i am in no way an expert in relationships or domestic abuse.

from the research i’ve done/come across, a lot of help lines and domestic abuse sources agree that this is just a classic case of manipulation. they’re manipulating ur emotions towards them in a way to make u stay despite the relationship obviously being bad for u if u want to leave.

they’re literally making u doubt 1) ur love for them (it must not be real if u want to leave) and 2) ur reasons for leaving them (we love each other, things can’t be that bad and we can work this out) so it rlly is manipulation

other than that i don’t think there is a specific term for this kind of abuse but if anyone does know, pls share !!