#it is kind of depressing to think about it that way | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yandere-wishes · 2 days ago

Note

Currently obsessed with the Damian x stray writing and had a very angsty thought about it (not a request, not meaning any pressure just wanted to share)

Stray feels suffocated by his attention. Maybe one day she might want him back but it’s all too much. She fakes her death (as her vigilante persona) and Damian morns and rages and turns cold, all of that delicious stuff.

Only one day the Catfam/Selina end up in hot water and she has to come back. He freaks the hell out.

oooohhhh I really love this, there's something so progressively dark about it. About Making Damian suffer so deliciously until he finally snaps.

Damian's love for Stray/Catgirl is complicated or rather it's easy but Damian likes to make it complicated by tying it to fate and legacy. He practically sees reader as his destiny as an omen and a good luck charm, heavenly insurance of sorts.

But should his darling, his comfort be stripped from him.

Well, destiny will still play out, but it won't be as kind.

Damian's life, his legacy, will be marred in ebony and rage.

⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆🐾°⋆

The hands wrapped around your shoulders are suffocating. Same for the fingers currently squeezing your cheek, you angle your mouth right, trying to bite and gnaw at his flesh and bones. Damian just laughs, he still thinks the two of you are playing.

He always thinks you're playing. What can you expect from the little assassin boy whose first toy was a knife, who swung swords instead of playing catch. He loves the way your claws scratch at him, the tiny scars they leave. He likes to wrestle you along the harsh pavement, enjoys the punches he throws and receives. It's all just a game to him.

But you, you can't take it anymore, the sky itself is closing in. You can't breathe in his presence can't think when his arms are coiled like vines around your body.

The world is growing dark as his lips ghost across your lips...

Your mother notices your depression. The dark gloom that follows you across the rooms. The sharp snaps at your sisters, the endless screaming when someone gets too close.

She's already lost one daughter, she refuses to lose another.

Selina holds your funeral, pays for the coffin, and signs the invites.

She plays the role of grieving mother like an actress on the silver screen.

But despite the desperation in her action, her throat still hitches with fear when she sees the rage in the youngest Wayne's eyes.

She can't help but feel like she's doomed the world with her selfish little stunt.

In Star City you can breathe, see the sun as you walk across the dewy grass. There is hope here, sprinkled through the air.

You mind not the heroes that swing by. You even laugh at the stray arrows and masked family arguing on the rooftops.

In Star City, you can finally breathe...

Until the Gotham gloom creeps in once more.

He prowls the streets, cowl crown wrapped tightly around his head. Here he is vengeance he is law, Gotham bows at his feet.

He doesn't notice the family heirlooms shattered across the city streets,

The morals and legacy rotting away under the moon's mournful gaze.

Damian Wayne

Batman

The protector of Gotham.

And also it's jailer.

He doesn't have his father's mercy.

Doesn't carry his borthers' oaths.

He kills the monster that lurks between the shadows.

That fester in the darkness.

No crime goes unpunished.

There is no mercy for the wicked, no hope for rehabilitation.

There are only graves now.

His father would be disappointed...

Damian stalks towards the zoo,

He knows he's going to enjoy tonight's trifle.

Catwoman picks the lock on the new exhibit. She recoiled in disgust as her eyes scan the plaque by the cage.

*Lion cubs saved from the wild brought for restoration*

Lies she thinks bitterly. These little cubs were stolen, brought here from their homes across the sea. Imprisoned for the crule's amusement and the rich's greed. She sends her own kittens to rescue the lion cubs. But just as they go to make their escape. A dark figure descends from the sky, tearing through them and binding them.

Selina fights, but she's come to learn she is no match for the new bat. The vampire out for blood. He drags them back to the manor, once such a lively place now reeks of sorrow and mourning.

"This has nothing to do with crime and you know it! You know who's really guilty here. You just want an excuse to get rid of us. You still blame us, blame me for her death." Selina screams as the bat throws them into a dark chamber.

Damian says nothing he just locks the door and leaves.

After all the blood of the greatest detective still courses through his veins.

Your old suit feels too tight, cutting off your circulation. Still you jump from rooftop to rooftop vying for Wayne manner. You got the picture of your family tied up and starved, a few days ago. You hate how long it took you to gather the courage to return.

You shutter thinking of the image. Of the windowless cement room.

Your family may be infamous for breaking free.

But even a cat can't escape a cinderblock.

You crawl through the shadows. Sticking to the walls of the manner, the maze is endless, unrelenting. It refuses to be breached. The lights come on one by one as if catching a rat in a trap. You recoil at the blinding light when finally your eyes open once more you see Damian descending the stairs face painted in soft surprise, body covered in his father's suit.

"I knew you couldn't be dead." he's grown, face molded into a softer Bruce. But his rage still flickers relentlessly in his emerald eyes. Of couse he's finally cracked the case.

"Let them go" you beg tears cascading from your eyes "Please!".

"I see the civilian life has made you soft kitty. Not a difficult matter to resolve, I'm sure." You shake your head, stepping back trying to run away.

But the years have made him even stronger and Damian catches you before you can flee him again. His arms wrap around your waist, face buried in the crook of your neck, intoxicated by your scent.

He can't believe he's holding you once more. Your body is so solid within his grasp. He missed your sweet voice and even sweeter whimpers. He missed the erratic thump of your heart whenever he was near.

He'll never let you go, ever again.

Damian vows it on his father's grave.

He kisses your neck, your cheeks.

Finally reclaiming your lips.

You can't breathe...

286 notes · View notes

kangaracha · 2 days ago

Text

QUEENMAKER | CHAPTER 24

---

pairing chan x reader

genre ninth member au, angst, fluff, coming of age, social media, cancel culture, anxiety, depression, forbidden love,

summary To JYPE, the solution is simple; take the sole trainee that will not debut with your brand new girl group, and use her to replace the missing vocalist in your male group that insisted on starting as nine.

Unfortunately, to the fans and the members themselves, it isn't that simple.

status ongoing

taglist OPEN

a/n hi. it's me. i'm back. i don't have any excuses to make.

please also check out daybreak, posting weekly from now on (yes i did write an entire smau instead of queenmaker and sit on it for almost six months)

previous | masterlist | next

---

Comeback approaches like a hurricane; it's there, developing in the corner of your eye just off the coast of your island, and then all at once it is here, and it is so all-encompassing that you're not even sure where here is anymore.

Comeback. Debut. The most important day of your life. One of those.

Time starts to fly by; schedules and practice and filming and every so often the chance to sleep or to grab something to eat with the others. It drags at your coattails, sticks itself to your feet and settles like a weight upon your shoulders, but you can't stop. There are performances to film, and then there is a concert that you are missing so much of the choreography for, and even when all of that is over, you are headfirst into award season and special performances and group activities for the company and-

First, debut. Second, everything else.

The camera sits on the table in front of you, staring with one dark, unblinking eye as a brush darts across your face, erasing all your imperfections. It fills your stomach with a funny kind of fear, small but poisonous, stinging when you think about turning it on - you've managed to put it off so far, waiting until your face was made up to at least avoid having to see your own naked skin reflected back at you in the viewfinder. No one else wanted to see that either, you're sure, after the things you've read and...well, the experiences you've had in the past. It's good to know your limits, after all.

That excuse is fast running out now though, and the time to go up towards the stage is drawing closer with alarming speed, and if you don't capture any footage before that happens, you're in some real trouble, no matter how loudly Seungmin and Felix are churning out hours worth of content on the other side of the room.

It takes real, deliberate effort to lean forward and turn that camera on once the makeup artist proclaims you ready, your hands delaying still as they fiddle with the angle and the focus, following the motions the manager that had handed it to you had shown you before he left. It gives you a little red light to say it is filming, and you swallow down the stone in your throat and sit up straight, looking around at the room to avoid the stare of its lense.

The first minute of your vlog is very boring. It's probably only the thought of some stranger sitting in a room later and watching you sit there awkwardly for a ridiculous amount of time that spurs you into saying anything at all.

"Hello Stay," you begin, because it seems the only way to begin. The words feel awkward in your mouth, your tongue stiff and undeserving of saying them, and your throat scratches and dries; you think, as you speak, that you do not sound like a singer at all. "It's nice to meet you...for the second time."

A noise rises up from behind you, giving you pause just as you run out of things to say - Han, running his voice up and down the scales as he begins to warm up. You've gotten used to that by now, the volume of the boys around you, but you're grateful for the excuse to pause in your self-rumination anyway, the precious seconds it gives you to figure out what it is you're saying.

Act normal, you tell yourself firmly as you turn back to the camera.

"I guess I should introduce myself, shouldn't I?" you say, your fingers twisting in your lap. "I'm L/N Y/N from Stray Kids, and today we're at [] for our first performance of Back Door, and I have just finished with the makeup..."

In the corner of the viewfinder, you notice a face hovering over your shoulder; Jeongin, waving a peace sign just out of your field of vision. You turn to look at him, shuffling over so that he is in full view for the camera. "What are you doing?" you ask and he leans in closer, automatically fixing the angle for the camera.

"I just wanted to see what you were doing," he says, refreshingly peaceful compared to the chaos that is building in the rest of the room. "Is this a vlog?"

"Mhm," you answer, and he smiles and waves again to the camera. "Are you dressed already?"

"Nearly," he says, glancing down at his white shirt and the black necklace that dangles around his neck. "You have time still."

You glance down at yourself; hoodie and cargo pants, neat but not show-ready by any means. "Mine is cold," you say by way of explanation, thinking of the skirt and thin shirt that wait on a rack in the next room, a far cry from the long pants the eight of them are wearing; and you really do like the look you've been given, but the thought of sitting around cold before you had to was less than enticing. "I was going to go and change in a minute."

"Maybe you should swap with someone," I.N suggests slyly. "I bet Changbin would look good in a skirt."

"Changbin's pants wouldn't fit me," you throw back, and he has to turn away from the camera to hide the ugly laugh that snorts from his nose. "He's too-"

Short, you don't say, your eyes tracking the boy in question as he passes by. He pauses in the back of your video when he notices your eyes on him, looks between you suspiciously, and then dances his way out of frame, having decided, you guess, that you aren't up to anything worthy of comment.

The look you share with I.N almost makes you laugh again. "I'm going," you say, scooping up your camera as you stand, "before he realises we're talking about him."

---

"Why do you look nervous?" Chan asks, a shadow that suddenly stands beside you as someone clips a mic pack onto his belt. You eye him in disbelief to avoid turning to look at the hallway that leads to the stage again, trying to figure out if he's joking or not.

"I can be nervous if I want to," you answer after a few seconds, in a way that definitely doesn't hide how anxious you feel at all.

"But you shouldn't be," he insists, "because there's nothing to be nervous about."

"You know that won't stop me," you scoff.

He cracks a smile despite himself. He almost laughs, except that he's busy turning to nod in acknowledgement of whatever the assistant behind him says on her way past. "It's going to be a good performance," he says, like the simple act of saying it is enough to manifest it into existance, like he would never believe otherwise.

"It's going to be good," you agree readily. "The concerts next week are going to be good too."

That smile flashes across his face again, his eyes lighting up. "You're excited?" he asks - and you almost feel guilty, that he would think that you wouldn't be excited, that you've worked so hard and put on such a stoic face that any of them might start to think this is a chore for you, rather than a dream coming true in front of your eyes.

"Of course I'm excited," you tell him emphatically, before he can get any ideas. "I can't wait to-"

"Y/N noona!" Changbin says as he strides across the room, stopping the thought halfway through. You turn to face him and the phone he waggles in his hand questioningly. "Take a photo with me."

"Right now?" you ask, looping your in-ears over your shoulders as if to demonstrate just how poor his timing is.

Changbin doesn't notice at all. "Why not now?" he questions. "I'm supposed to take a photo for instagram. Come and take one with me."

Beside you, Chan looks like he still has something to say, but when you glance at him, he only shrugs, turning away to fiddle with his own equipment. "Alright," you agree easily and follow Changbin, over to a bland enough piece of wall with decent lighting. You have a feeling someone has already scouted the room earlier for the best places to take photos, judging by how easy it is to find and how well it photographs.

It's a good distraction from the nerves for a few minutes, but it doesn't last much longer than that; especially not when Changbin barks and fusses over the angle and the faces, and then Hyunjin comes wandering over to take the camera out of his hand, and you realise that he's occupying you as much as doing what Skijigi have asked him to do. After that, you laugh and poke fun back at him with just the same vivacity, but it does nothing to assauge the anxiety that's planted deep in your gut, roots curling out to envelop you.

Somehow, when you're done, it is time to go up to the stage - and suddenly, you are engulfed within the group and walking that hallway you had been staring at what feels like moments ago, trying to swallow with a dry mouth and a stone in your throat and wondering if you'll actually be able to get any of the notes out at all.

Chan's hand touches your shoulder as you walk, appearing by your side in just the same way as he had earlier. You wonder if he can smell fear or something; or if you really are just that pale and drawn in the face, if your hands are shaking or something. Whatever it is, you're clearly not doing a very good job of hiding it.

"You still look nervous," he tells you cheerily, and if he's aware that he's reading your thoughts, he doesn't give any indication of it, not even as he pulls you aside as you reach side-stage and glances up at the huddle of boys that continue to the bottom of the stairs, eyeing them as if there's something he doesn't want them to hear.

"I got you something," he says, when he's sure there are no eavesdroppers, and lets his lips curve in a secretive, delighted smile.

Your eyebrow raises in surprise, almost certain that he did not forget, but rather has been looking for the right time to bring it up - but he doesn't notice the look of disbelief, fishing a small, velvet bag out of his pocket. He offers it to you on an outstretched palm, a bridge to form the gap between you.

With timid, shaking fingers you take it, noting the pink that stains his cheeks and the way he cringes away from meeting your eye as you pull the drawstrings loose. "I saw you playing with the ones at K-Con," he hurries to explain before you can even see what's inside. "And you - fidget a lot. I thought it might help."

A ring tumbles out of the bag and into your palm, the full stop to the end of his sentence. It's only a plain silver band, softly curved at the edges and gleaming where the light hits it - nothing ostentatious or gaudy. Just a simple band for you to twist around your finger, the letters SKZ engraved on its inner circle.

"Thankyou," you manage to say as you slip it onto your finger - and then fiddle with it, twisting it and forth to distract yourself from the nervous hum that seems to hang in the air between you.

"Oh, no." He waves you away before you can even get the words out, that pink flushing his face. "Look, it works already."

You glance down at your fingers and the twist of the ring, and feel the grin that bites at your face. "I like it," you admit, and try to breathe the nervous jitters out of your chest with the words.

He looks...relieved? You're not sure, when the music blasts on stage and then cuts off and the crowd roars in response, cutting him off before he can say whatever it is that now lines the back of his teeth. It looks like relief on his face though; as if he'd been worried you wouldn't take the gift or something. Wouldn't see the sentiment behind it even if you didn't like it. What does he think of you, if that's how he thinks you might react?

The thought sends another thrill of fear down your spine, one that the scrape of that ring on your finger can't quiet. So does the scream of that crowd - adrenaline rises from your chest, wrapping its hands around your throat; that wild, senseless energy tensing in your body like you're about to run from a fight-

A hand claps your shoulder. "Are you breathing?" Seungmin asks, balancing on one foot as he leans around you to frown at your face.

You have to inhale to retort, and he smirks. "That's what I was wondering," Chan says behind that grin - but the brush of his hand over the back of yours is much softer; questioning, rather than the jolt of contact from Seungmin.

"I don't need to breathe," you throw at them weakly. "I'm a robot."

"How do I turn you off, then?" Chan asks, and then laughs when you stare at him, surprised. Betrayed, maybe, when you would have expected such a thing to come out of Seungmin's mouth rather than his.

You're distracted by the call of a staff member, waiting to usher you onto the stage - and there, again, are your nerves, returned in two-fold. Debut, you remember again for the thousandth time today. Your dream. Your reward. Your life's work, the only work you've ever learnt how to do.

The group huddle together, say some quick words of encouragement that float past you with registering at all. Your hand is warm in the centre of all of theirs, crushed by the weight of someone's palm as eight hands go down and whoever is on the bottom goes up, ruining the whole thing. You know that you laugh, between the groans and cries of retribution, but it doesn't reach right into your chest. All your attention is laser-focused on the steps before you and the buzz of the crowd waiting beyond.

You are not alone in your daze, at least. Many hands pat your shoulders, smooth your hair. Felix throws an arm around you until you reach the stairs, a one-armed hug while he talks about something in your ear. He lets you go while you climb, and follows on your heels out onto the stage.

The crowd is smaller than K-Con, to your mercy, even if they scream and cheer just as loud as that massive crowd had. It seems like a stupid thing to find comfort in a moment later, when the thought hits you again; of course the crowd is smaller. This is only a broadcast recording, not the concerts that leer at your from the near future.

Some of the boys are already at the centre of the stage, waving and talking to fans. You join them long enough for the official greeting - and then melt away into the background when Changbin immediately commands attention. You find Han there with you, arms swinging by his sides in one last warmup, but you can't think of anything to say other than the tight grin that offers itself to him, no doubt writing all you nerves right onto your face. The smile he gives you in return is sympathetic, and devoid of pretty words to go with it; just a flash of teeth, a puff of air that blows into his cheeks before exhaling. It's a little comfort, at least.

The call to begin shatters any calm it pulls over you just as quickly as it arrives though, the stage a hive of activity as everyone finds their places. For a long moment, no one moves and nothing plays, the tense, still seconds ticking by at an excruciating pace-

And then the music starts.

And then you dance.

And then you sing, loud and clear and bright - and steady, even with the complex movement of your body and the increasing cry of your chest for air.

The finale rises and culminates with Felix's voice, standing at the end of the line behind you. You feel his weight bump against you as he shifts on his feet, hear the moment of silence and then the renewed cheer of the crowd when his ending fairy comes up on the screens. You can't see when it ends, so you count to five before you turn, ducking out of the line as requested and immediately finding the red light of the camera that was told to be waiting for you. Finger hearts, Felix had suggested backstage and Hyunjin had agreed, and so that is what you give them, angled just so by your cheek and the giddy smile that had been pulling on your lips before the music was even finished.

The stage goes silent, the few scattered beginnings of applause quickly throttled by the hands that remain in their laps. The seconds tick by at a glacial pace, the smile threatening to slip from your face. You glue it there with all the fire that remains in your veins.

You could swear the camera lingers, just to drink in your pain. Logically, you know it is the same time as Felix had. Somehow, the thought isn't comforting.

Finally, that lense clicks off and the boys move around you, giving the crowd something else to hawk and squeal at. Something they really want to see, you allow yourself to think acerbically, and carefully avoid looking any of them in the eye as you do your forced, casual wander off the stage. It is hard enough to achieve in your own bubble, to resist that urge to run, let alone if you catch anything like sympathy on their faces.

The first one below, you take one look at the playback monitor and excuse yourself to the staff, fleeing towards the bathrooms. You're dimly aware of footsteps behind you and the sound of your name, but they do not process and your feet won't stop - not until the heavy door slams shut behind you and the propel of your walk carries you in sight of the mirror over the sinks-

Beautiful, you'd dared to think earlier, staring vindictively at just the same image that looks back at you now. The careful fit of the navy shirt, the short skirt flattering the length and lines of your legs, the layered bangles and the diamonds that glitter around your neck...perfectly crafted to slip right in amongst the silk and patterns of the boys - and not unlike Midnight's dark queen concept either, the concept you hadn't had the right look for. You'd even liked your face, and the unearthly glow they'd painted into your cheeks, the perfect frame of your dark hair-

But something had displeased that crowd. Whether the look, or the dancing, or stupid, stubborn pettiness over girlish crushes - or all of it put together. It took a lot to silence an entire crowd. You knew that - you'd seen one refuse to be silenced before, but never nominally refuse to cheer. Never pass the sentiment around and come to an absolute mutual agreement.

It's a talent, to be able to do that by yourself, you think as you stare into your own eyes in the mirror; and you don't have it in you to deny the rush of feelings that wells in your chest this time, or the hot prick of tears in your eyes. Your thoughts are swept off in the storm, the questions clamouring, crying, begging for one answer; why, why, why, why. Why do they hate you, why are they so mean about it, why didn't you just go home? Why did you ever come to this country in the first place? Why id you think you were good enough to be worth their love?

A soft knock on the door precedes the tentative entry of an assistant; one of the girls from JYP that always travels with you on schedules. You know her name, but you should know her better; instead, you've just been keeping to yourself. Another point of failure, probably.

"Y/N?" she says, daring to put one foot through the door as you blink and nod in acknowledgement. "Sorry - we need to start heading back now. You can have another moment - if you need-"

"I'm coming," you hurry to say; and it is shame that colours your cheeks and gives you the strength again to swallow it down like a hard stone. The tears burn as you blink them away, as you stare at the mirror and decide that no more will fall except for the traitorous three that have already escaped. You'll have to go back on that stage - you won't go red-eyed and puffy, won't give them that satisfaction.

You'll have to do that ending again too, though. Weather that storm a second time. Well, you'll just have to make sure this take is perfect, and then no one will ask for a third. You'll be able to go home and hide.

Your moment is up. You know that, and so you turn yourself away from the mirror, to the girl that waits. She willingly averts her eyes as she steps out, holding the door for you until you grip the edge of it with your own hand and follow her.

Chan is waiting in the hallway, leaning against the wall and staring at nothing as he waits. There's a dark anger in his eyes when he turns, but it isn't for you - no, the tissue box in his hand is for you, offered like a bridge that spans the gap between you.

Warily, you draw one and turn aside to dab at your eyes and try to cool the burn in your cheeks. You want to cringe away from yourself and hide in the bathroom again, to put off facing him until he goes away - but if you do that, he'll know you're hiding, and the hovering assistant will bear the blame of not bringing you back, and those fans will think they know why it's taking so long-

Stupid. They already know that they've won. Chan can see you crying. There's no one left to make a fool of except yourself.

"Are you alright?" Chan asks - and just like you thought, there is none of that anger in the gentle voice that asks.

"It's fine," you answer, biting at your tongue agains the tears that threaten to stir anew. "Sorry. I just needed - a moment. I'm ready to go again."

"Take another moment," he tells you.

"I'd rather go," you say, and it comes out harsher than you mean it to - but it is only the tears that you are fighting, that horrible, gut-wrenching wave of emotion that wants to wash over you. "I'm fine. Really."

The tissue crushes in your palm. You wonder if the sceptical look he gives you is because of the makeup you've surely smudged, or if he just doesn't believe you. "Are you sure?" he asks, and you steel yourself as you breathe in.

"I will be if we don't talk about it," you tell him tightly, and then you take the lead before he can disagree. He falls into step willingly anyway, thoughtful or maybe brooding as you weave your way back to the stage.

"We're not doing the endings again," he tells you as you approach, right as the flock of makeup artists engulf you. Like they knew you'd be crying, you think acerbically, and then banish the thought before it can unbalance you again.

"Were there any notes for me?" you ask as a brush dusts your cheek. The dancing; that's the only thing you need to focus on. The performance. Do it perfectly, and you can escape. Subconsciously, you fingers find the ring, twisting it around and around.

"Not for you," Chan says. "Just try to enjoy it again, yeah?"

Several choice comments come to mind as you gaze at him, each one as dry and hurt as the last, but a look at the occupants of the room stills your tongue. Assistants and stylists and employees of the show - people that you shouldn't be caught speaking ill of fans or members in front of. You've read your contracts and the company ethics, seen the bill for your training attached to your name. You know how far fans and a good public image takes even the most insidious people.

"I'll try," you promise instead, firmly holding your tongue to your principals. No point complaining about hardships anyway. This isn't an industry that takes pity on those who are too weak to survive it.

Even so, the answer seems vapid and contrived the moment it spills out of your mouth. Chan doesn't have time to contest it; the others are already returning to the stage to entertain that undeserving crowd, and so you must follow too, side by side in silence. His microphone passes restlessly from hand to hand, even when you step on stage and his brow smoothes out. You wonder how long that rage will simmer beneath his skin.

Until he can do something about it, a little voice whispers to you with a thrill, watching his receding back.

The stage sweeps you away after that, Chan disappearing into the midst of the others with just one last glance over his shoulder to make sure that you're following. Seungmin replaces him, appearing unobtrusively in your shadow as Felix slings an arm back around your shoulders and bats his hand away from messing with your hair. They flank you until you drift into your position, and then the stage goes quiet so that the music can start again.

The dance flies by; chorus, verse, bridge, dance break. The fans cheer and chant along as dutifully as they had the first time, but the sound resonates hollow in your chest this time, the faces that you give the camera manufactured rather than brought on by the music. It's hard to forget, now that you know the truth, that those cheers aren't for you; only the boys that surround you, their bodies moving in unison with yours. Part of them, and yet set apart.

You'd come six years ago expecting to be the jewel in that kind of crown, you think. This crowd has made you the flaw, ugly and unmistakably out of place.

It's a relief when the song ends and you can let go, your shoulders slumping and your chin dropping to your chest as you stare at the floor and try to breathe. A hundred emotions sweep by you, there and then swallowed again by the storm that churns in your stomach; you flinch away from the crowd's laughter at something Han does, and then laugh when Changbin's face appears upside-down in your field of vision, his body contorted strangely in an effort to meet your eyes. There's still something hiding in Chan's eyes and Felix is openly angry, but Minho gives nothing away in the nod he gives you as he passes by. Changbin talks about what to get for dinner on the way back down the stairs, but the words just wash over you; you're not hungry anyway, after all of this, just hollow and restless and tired.

Your third filming trudges by much the same, correcting a small mistake by Han in the pursuit of perfection. The boy looks apologetic as he passes you by, but it's not him or the dancing that you resent. It's just a thing you have to do, until all nine of you are pleased, until you can finally leave that stage and draw the hoodie you'd worn here on a very different kind of morning back over your head and climb into a car to go home.

You don't win any awards. The boys hide their disappointment, but you know it is there. You know, too, where the fan vote went and why that trophy was stolen away from them.

You're not really sure what anyone expects you to do about it.

---

TAGLIST

@kokinu09 @rainfallingfromthesky @lixie-phoria @mysweethannie @chlodavids

@hanniemylovelyquokka @tfshouldidohere @lauraliisa @puppysmileseungmin @kalopsian-thoughts

@puppy-minnie @readerofallthingss @dvbkie099 @kthstrawberryshortcake-main @acker-night

@d-chagi @lynlyndoll @borahae-reads @ihrtlix @yienmarkk

@minhwa @i2innie @jinnie-ret @conwunder @amesification

@starssongs98 @weirdhumanbeinglol @morinuu @the-weird-mold-in-the-sink @bokkiesplace

@amyyscorner @jiisungllvr @skzstaykatsy @blackhairandbangs @jungkookies1002

@hyuuukais @imsiriuslyreal @thatonedemigodfromseoul @gini143 @mercurywritesstuff

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@jabmastersupriseee @kayleefriedchicken @hynjinswrld @duhgurl @cheshireshiya

@keepswingin

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twistedpink · 8 hours ago

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A little more nsfw than usual, but it’s a drabbles kind of day!

Do you think about some of the twst sophomores exclusively getting off with wet dreams?

Between the highs and lows of his depression, Leona just can’t seem to catch a break! There’s just no way to motivate him towards putting any energy to proper self care, and when he’s feeling especially tired there’s zero chance you’re getting him up to clean his sheets. He knows it’s a little,, startling for you to sit on a crusted up stain when you’re here for what’s basically an intervention, but at least you know what kind of release he needs?? Ruggie gets the pleasure of cleaning up later, so you can motivate him all you like :)

Rook knows how bad abstinence is for his health, but who is he to deny the allure of ‘purity’? It’s delicate, beautiful, and made to be tainted. It’s his favourite combination! Who’s there to police when his beauty sleep is interrupted by sudden ejaculation? There’s no crime if you don’t get caught, and he’s a professional at keeping any noises under control (practice makes progress!).. He’d rather sit in it than call for his prefect at this hour, so with only his hand for company, Rook clings to the memory of his favourite fantasies. The sole excitement he feels is for how much longer he’ll last next time <3

Being “wise beyond his years” has revealed a lot of rewards for Lilia- (you never know how much time there is to knit until you hit a dry spell) but nothing vexes him more than his slowed libido :( The only solution he can think of in his post orgasm haze is his partner, but you are tragically lost at sea! (A ten minute walk away) He’s hardly coherent enough to switch his boxers out, but manages because he knows you don’t appreciate his “musk”. The kids aren’t up for a couple hours, and he’s more than ready for another round (or a few! He’s been slowed, but he’s far from slow). You’ll delight him through a screen well enough, won’t you? <3

(Honorable mention to the gooners who can’t go long enough to get a wet dream; Trey, Vil, Idia, and Malleus)

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csphire · 3 days ago

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Hopes and dreams I had for Dragon Age 4 that we so did not get.🙃😢

An actual RPG game. Not Nice Guy, Nice Funny Guy, and Nice but Stern Guy. Let us screw up and piss off our companions.

No more dialogue wheel selection bait and switches. "Nooo I didn't mean that. I did not think they would say that! That's not what I thought that choice meant. I meant-fuck! *sighs* ...I guess I'll have to reload." Or more accurately, "That was the mean option? Are you kidding me!"

Letting the player be an asshole. Sometimes, it's just cathartic to punch a character. People in customer service especially need this at the end of a shift. Putting this in games is a public service. We needed more of those kinds of moments beyond the bloody tutorial.

More of our previous choices having an actual impact in DA4. Like the Well of Sorrows I was so certain would bite an Inquisitor in the ass somehow in the future. Like Morrigan with Mythal in her could force the Inqusitor to hurt or even try to kill Solas. So I agonized over that choice. The same goes for who we left in the fade. Honestly, the three or so that carried over I did not see any impact on DAVG at all. Am I wrong?

Who we left in the fade showing up or we find their body. "Where's Hawke?" Yeah... where's Hawke BioWare? Get's Hawke's clothes instead. Well, that's... depressing.

The option to play as the Inquisitor trying to be low profile or as a nobody aka Rook. This way, everyone is happy, right? For a lot of us, the Inquisitor going toe to toe again with Solas was important.

By playing as the Inquisitor we would have had one sweet Dagna-created prostatic arm-not from Bianca because screw her. Also, depending on our class each one would be a little different. Oh, and that prosthetic would also be customizable just like Varric's crossbow and every other weapon in Dragon Age Inquisition. I really thought BioWare would jump to help feature an amputee in an empowering way. True we had Neve but it felt like more of an afterthought to give her a prosthetic that honestly looks uncomfortable as hell.

Open worlds to collect mats, and kill things to craft gear and weapons for our team only better. It would have given us time to breathe and enjoy the scenery. Plus I like doing that kind of tedious shit and if you don't, fine go buy that stuff I guess.

Vendors that will sell us the goods if we got the coin and none of that faction BS.

"Knife ear!" You think at least the venatori would be shouting that at my elf. Nope! I did not feel like my character's race mattered in this game. I don't think Solas over a decade really put the fear of the gods into the North. We all know isms and slavery are bad but putting those things in a game's world helps people realize why they're bad and can even help people feel what it's like to be on the receiving end of such abuses which can help create a thing called empathy.

Blood! Where is the blood? Why is my character not covered in dirt and the gore of their enemies? Don't like that, fair but what about an on-off feature in settings?

Enemies that send chills down my spine. Instead, the ogres and darkspawn made me bust out laughing. I cannot take them seriously, especially the ogres. I see them and think, "Derp a durr... oh I'm an ogre and soooo scardy... rawr."

Dagna... because she's adorable and if any dwarf deserves magic it's her. Or at least let her nerd out, study Lace and help her understand more about her new abilities.

Sandal Cameo at least. Also adorable aaand... ENCHANTMENT!

Our companions can get hurt. I'm starting to think they made them immortal because they knew some of us would let them get hurt on purpose. There are no feelings of concern at all for them going into combat now, no pick-up mechanics it leaves me feeling only more apathetic about them.

Quicker cooldowns on abilities instead of spamming the left mouse button all of the time. And more than two fucking abilities on my hot bar. BioWare... what were you thinking?

Three or more companions traveling with us instead of two. It was the gold standard all throughout the franchise. How are we supposed to get to know them all when limited to-oh right most of them have a personality as deep as a kiddy pool, never mind.

Companions with personalities and problems deeper than kiddy pools. That tension between Cassandra and Varric, Dorrian and Vivienne, Cole and Sera, and so forth was... chief's kiss.

Control of all THREE of our companions traveling with us in combat. Look, I'm a control freak who likes strategy. Combat for the series has always been centered on strategy, pausing, builds, and gear. Am I still bitter that they dropped us to two? ...Yes.

If playing as the Inquisitor you get the option to romance someone new. Especially let us have the option for Lavellan to move on from Solas.

Better-looking hands and body proportions. Why are the heads so damn big? And honestly the hands in failguard genuinely creep me the hell out with tucking the pinkies away all the time. It's weird! Strange hill to die on I know but they just make me cringe and die a little inside.

Romance scenes that would make Larian and BG3 fans blush. This game was always meant for adults. Adults have *gasp* SEX!

Solas not being a total red flag d-bag for killing our favorite dwarf! Run Lavellan Run! You're probably next. And if not him, Bianca is going for your eyes!

Solas being less of a manipulative antagonist twat and/or the player has the ability to be more diplomatic from the start with Solas to get his help. I feel like Solas' character development sorta backtracked by a lot.

Solas once again is a romance option but this time to EVERYONE! That and I wanted to see Lavellan and Solas finally get it on.

They finally let us romance Varric. Oh they did you so dirty, baby... *ugly crying*

A memorable soundtrack that sets off all the feels and is not stuff that's reused from the Inquisition.

Last but not least, where the fuck is our Golden Nug Bioware?

I might add more later, but feel free to add more and comment below!

#failguard #dragon age 4 #dragon age veilguard #veilguard critical #bioware critical #add your thoughts below #but hey at least we got our flowy hair... on our giant heads!#i had such high hopes #oh naive little me #ea critical #I tried to like veilguard. I really-really tried but I can't get over what they did to Varric #I reject the cannon #wip #i might add more later

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psychemochanight · 3 days ago

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More HC because I forgot many :D

Part 1 :D

Again, a little disclaimer:

These are just my favorite HCs, whether made by me or by the fandom, if you don't like any of them, that's completely respectable and you obviously don't have to agree with all or any of them. If you don't like them, just ignore them please, it's not worth arguing over HC about a fictional character.

That said, here are more HC (not all of them yet, but yeah, I'll add them as I remember them):

Dick is the kind of person who is always smiling, even when there is danger. If he's not smiling and cracking jokes, he's completely serious. No one has any problem admitting that they don't want to see that Dick, because he's scary.

Dick hates hospitals, and he hates being sedated even more, even in the batcave.

Years being kidnapped, yep.

His first instinct after waking up and analyzing his situation with his senses without giving any signs of waking up, is to run immediately. If they can avoid it, they never sedate him completely, the times he jumped up from the stretcher without taking into account his injuries were enough to know better.

He sits in the weirdest positions ever.

If he pays more than five minutes of attention to his hair, it's actually wavy, almost curly, if he doesn't, it's almost straight.

He grows his hair long when he is depressed and doesn't feel like taking care of it.

He rarely gives any other signs of being depressed now, so almost no one notices it these days.

He associates aromas with different people.

Sometimes, because of the perfumes worn by his family and friends, he knows that they have been in his apartment.

Yes, he sometimes lives on cereal, but it's definitely not the only thing he knows how to prepare, he just is so tired to cook.

Canonically, in several runs cereal is, in fact, his favorite food, so- besides having a sweet tooth, it helps him stay active (sugar rush 24/7).

He canonically prefers simple, comforting foods, so, another trait of his undiagnosed AUDHD :D

Alfred and Bruce say that Dick has a child's palate, he insists that the problem is not the taste, but the texture... It doesn't help his case.

Obviously he eats healthy food, but it always has to be something simple, he finds very elaborate dishes difficult to eat.

He had a pretty hard time at galas with the fancy food the first few times, until Bruce noticed that Dick wasn't eating and started including simpler dishes on the menu.

This is also why people sometimes think he doesn't know how to cook, because he only makes simple dishes, but it's not because he doesn't know how, it's because it's the only kind of food he likes.

In fact, despite preferring sweet over salty, or even his taste for junk food, Dick is very conscious of what he eats, and always has his head counting protein, calories, sugars and other nutritional values; this way, he keeps his diet stable even if he allows himself these "whims"... when he remembers to eat.

He actually likes stuffed animals, he just doesn't have any. (DC, what are you waiting for to give this man his stuffed elephant?)

Dick is an ambivert.

I would even say that he is more introverted. Not the incorrect definition of people, who confuse introversion with being reserved, shy or not liking to socialize. but the one who needs his time alone to recharge his energy. .

When Dick met Superman, it was despite Batman's "no meta-humans" rule, and his argument when Batman was going to scold him was "he's not a meta-human, he's an alien."

Bruce had to concede the point to the kid for the loophole, and update his rule.

This depends on the run to be canon or not, but I prefer to think that Dick never actually went to school before Bruce, and it was exclusively his charisma that helped him blend in with the other children, as if he had always attended educational institutions.

Although Bruce knew Dick was intelligent, even he was surprised that he was so able to not only catch up, but excel in the educational field, considering he never attended school. More than because of Robin, it was one of his teachers the first one to call him Golden Boy, since he considered him a prodigy.

At Gotham Academy you had to take at least one language class to graduate, and it couldn't be one you already knew, but Dick already knew all the ones in the program, so he had to pretend to learn french.

One of my favorite HCs in the fandom is Dick helping out with the Watchtower's computer system, especially considering it could very well be canon (if only today's writers wouldn't forget that Dick is also an amazing hacker and not just a social skills specialist 🙄).

This mentioned, my personal HC to justify all the things that the writers leave out of the character that were once regular in him (and that now belong to his siblings), is that he himself stops making an effort in these things. When he was Robin, he was alone with Batman, so he had the obligation to not only be on par, but to fill all the spaces that Batman left, so he specialized in everything. Now that he has a full team, he no longer has the obligation to cover everything himself, so he allows himself to just continue filling the remaining spaces, mostly related to the social part (when he's not working alone, of course).

This does not mean that he no longer continues to instruct himself in those skills that his siblings have, he does, he is always learning, but he no longer has the need to demonstrate it in any way, so he just lets people even think that he is incompetent in those areas, even if it is the opposite (it helps a lot when you are underestimated on the field after all).

He invented a few insults during his time as Robin, which somehow became a real vocabulary when other heroes and later civilians started using them.

His puppy eyes are too powerful, even as an adult.

Although everyone jokes that he is old because of all his years of experience in the hero thing, Dick actually looks so young.

On a good or bad day (depending on who you ask), it even happens that people ask for his ID to confirm that he is of legal age (usually for drinking). He never knows whether to feel flattered or offended.

I decided to pretend the suit wasn't a bare-legged leotard, mostly because I like to think that the suit was actually his acrobat suit, just with the red vest on top, and since they always draw the suit with the legs part... U know.

It also depends, considering the current continuity, Dick was now born in more modern times, and the tights now usually have covered legs; but if we still place it in the 40s, then it makes more sense that the suit is like the original.

For comfort, I'll pretend that his legs are covered, also I'll pretend that he has some protection and isn't just walking around with exposed skin to get hurt, even if hitting him with a bullet must be damn difficult because he jumps as a flea.

Toe point and tiptoes, like, A LOT.

He starts babbling random facts about history or math formulas at the most random moments.

He's the kind of person who always knows the answers to people's questions about facts he doesn't really need to know.

"I wonder where the word "'macaroni' originated from"... And he just starts telling you the whole story.

(My father is like that, and I always wonder where he learned all that, my God).

He likes action series. He also likes police and mystery series, but it's a pain to watch this kind of series with him because he keeps guessing the ending and always gets it right.

He also loves black and white movies.

He likes classic rock and jazz music, but has no problem listening to other genres. He also likes pop music, although more bc he likes to annoy his brothers with it.

He is a bit obsessive compulsive, not all the time, and he doesn't have the disorder as such; but sometimes he really needs to be in control of things and follow routines (part of his AUDHD and PTSD speaking for him).

As I said before, I don't think Dick has anger issues, he's just overstimulated, but this doesn't mean he doesn't feel angry or frustrated on many occasions.

When this happens, he has two main ways to let go of his anger... The healthy way is to exercise, train or simply unload his mind while his body is in motion, he also tends to meditate on occasion.

Sometimes it's not so healthy, as he actually lets himself get hurt while training.

The unhealthy way, is to go beat up the thugs.

Sometimes he doesn't let his anger out voluntarily, and ends up exploding against those who don't deserve it. When this happens, it is almost always in verbal form.

Dick doesn't insult directly, but with the eloquence he has, he doesn't need insults to seriously hurt someone.

He can't say that he has never self-harmed, but he doesn't do it in the form of cutting himself, but rather by letting himself get hit or failing to stop particularly painful falls.

Actually, even though he doesn't have the highest self-esteem, he doesn't really have an identity crisis. It doesn't matter that he's a good actor, he never doubts who he is. He doesn't really invent personas in front of anyone, he just shows facets of his personality as appropriate (the only moments where he acts like someone he is not, there is always something of his person even in those roles).

During a certain infamous arc the identity crisis was a little more real, but he recovered from it.

Although he is an acrobat first, he still knows a lot about gymnastics, both men's and also women's actually. More for fun than for training.

Even if he miraculously has free time, instead of resting, he is probably practicing something new.

His friends swear that Dick only stays still when he's dissociating.

And that's all (for now) ✨

I've repeated some of them on purpose to make the explanation more explicit- but I hope most of them still make sense.

#dick grayson #nightwing #robin #nightwing headcanons #dick grayson headcanon #just my thoughts about dick grayson

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crimeronan · 3 days ago

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im a teenager with seasonal depression and a shitty fatigue causing disability and adhd currently still in highschool and: the way you talk abt minors right to autonomy, and How School Sucks, and everything related to that is. The Most Soothing Shit i hear all day. like. reading some of your posts abt how Good graduating early and being a Problem Child was for you was So Damn Calming.

most ppl immediately go to sooth me with the "but you Are smart, and you just need to try harder!! your life isnt entirely ruined today :) just go to school tomorrow and be Good and Learn and you'll be fineee. you aren't one of the bad ones, Dont Worry :))" and that makes me. invent new types of panic attacks and neuroses on the spot.

but having an Actual Adult whos like "no. school can infact be the fucking Torture pit for some people and it is So Utterly Fucked Up how Anyone can make you do Anything, actually. you arent a bad or damaged person this is Normal and your value isnt dependant on Schooliness. do whatever makes you least likely to kill yourself. you dont owe them shit, especially not being Good. be a problem, take up space."

is. genuinely the nicest thing Ever. to me. like. Makes me Kinda Want To Cry nicest thing ever. anyway yea. thanks for that.

ahh, this is lovely to hear. but i'm so sorry you're going through this.

i remember being in high school in 2011 when the gay teen suicides were national headlines, and everyone had Opinions on it, and the "it gets better" trend was everywhere, and -- while those videos did do a lot of good!! -- they just kind of made me more furious?? because i was so mad at all these adults basically saying, "yeah, high school is an institutional pit of death and horror, but eventually you'll be 18!!" i was like hey. Help Us Now.

it was actually the song "make it stop" by rise against that gave me any peace or sense of belonging, because. here was a band i loved full of straight dudes (as far as i know, anyway) who were just fucking MAD. they were righteously angry!! they gave a fuck what was happening!! and lyrics like "the gatherings hold candles but not their tongues" rang SO true to me, as someone who was dealing with endless "oh, so sad he died, but there was something wrong with his brain" discourse.

the memory of that has made it REALLY easy to hold onto my anger in adulthood. because sometimes kids don't need "it'll be fine, just hang on :)" they need "you're gonna be okay, but FUCK ALL THIS."

it's truly fucking Unconscionable to do what we do even to neurotypical, able-bodied teens with good home lives. i want to say i can't imagine being a teen with chronic fatigue and ADHD going to classes eight hours a day.... but i can!! i did that!! and almost died!!

i honestly think the lack of autonomy in the US school system is traumatic For Everybody. different levels of trauma, for sure! but i think that's part of why adults seem so disconnected from our teen years and can't remember the realities of being an adolescent. we overwrite the horrors.

the good news is: it Does get better after school. astonishingly so.

in the meantime: you don't owe anyone Anything. literally your only job right now is to survive. do whatever you need to do to not kill yourself or end up in jail. don't worry about anything else. i promise it Does Not Matter As Much As People Say It Does.

#replies #the jail caveat because some school districts (particularly Black ones) have a pipeline system for truancy #and i do think staying out of juvie needs to be as important a priority as staying alive. for your health #but beyond avoiding jail: fuck 'em. obviously do what you can but if you can't then you can't.#you know your limits better than the adults around you. it's okay to say actually. no. i'm not gonna be a good student anymore.#suicide #trauma #c ptsd tag #tangentially

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milkoomi · 1 day ago

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Hi I adore you and your blog, you definitely inspire me. Do you have any advice for students who are behind in their studies?

hi lovely anon!! thank you so so much for your kindness and support towards me and my blog! it means so much to me that there are people like you who get inspired because of what i’ve created! so thank you!! 🤍

academic track reset tips. ᥫ᭡

falling behind is extremely anxiety inducing and can feel disastrously overwhelming. i promise you, i’ve been there before and i completely understand the dread that comes with it. you feel one too many steps behind everyone else and it feels like the workload is suffocating you. but i promise you can get yourself back up and on track again!

let’s begin …

୨ৎ — gentle reminders

first and foremost, i want you to know that you will be okay. things happen in life that we can’t always control, but i promise it’s 100% okay! you will get through this and you will get back to where you need to be! you aren’t a failure just because you’re behind.

think of it this way: let’s say you have a really good book that you’ve been reading for fun (or maybe there’s a show you’ve been watching!) but you had to take some time away from reading, but with any good book or show you’re watching, you can always come back to it and pick up where you left off! it isn’t going anywhere!

faustina’s official guide to getting back on track:

୨ৎ — emotional & situational processing

take some time to process your emotions because i’m sure there’s quite a few things you’re feeling right now!

let your feelings flow

cry, scream into a pillow, angrily scribble all your emotions and thoughts onto paper; just do whatever it is you need to do to let your feelings out (in a healthy manner of course). give yourself some time to feel your emotions, but don’t let it draw on!

journal dump: write down everything you’re feeling and thinking, talk about how stressed out and anxious you are, vent about how disappointed you feel. just dump it all in writing!

reach out to a loved one: if you need a shoulder to cry on, don’t hesitate to talk to someone close to you! your friends, family, and other loved ones are there to support you!

reflect on your situation

i personally either wrote in my journal, talked to my therapist, or even just simply thought about my situation alone, but take some time to reflect on what’s going on.

how’s your health? could there maybe be some underlying mental/emotional/physical health issues causing you to fall behind?

what does your day-to-day schedule/routine look like? do you have enough time during your days to focus on school while still being able to balance your work/personal life?

what does your work load look like? do assignments & exams pile up too quickly for you? are you maybe unintentionally procrastinating? maybe there are things outside of school that have been piling up?

it’s good to answer these questions for yourself and figure out what exactly is causing you to fall behind. what’s going on at the core of it all? once you find your answer(s), it’s time to start reworking and tweaking some things.

୨ৎ — health check-up

sometimes our health can hinder us from staying on track, keeping up with school, and even keeping up with things going on outside of school! maybe we’ve been getting sick more recently and our bodies have been putting more energy into fighting off infections that they’ve become weaker and lack the energy to do other things. or maybe our mental health isn’t where we need it to be. maybe we’re experiencing a depressive episode or there have been things going on in your personal life that have been causing you immense amounts of anxiety that’s leading your focus away from your studies.

physical health

schedule a doctor’s appointment! you could probably get yourself a note to bring to your school/professors that could allow you a grace period for you to get caught up with your studies! it’s also good to have regular doctors visits to make sure your physical health is where it needs to be.

fuel for your body! are you eating well enough? are you staying hydrated? make sure your body has all the nutrients it needs to stay energized! sometimes we don’t realize we’re neglecting our nutritional needs, so be sure to have any and all necessary meals and that you’re getting enough hydration!

recharging every night! are you getting enough sleep? is the sleep you’re getting good? do you feel well-rested when you wake up? be mindful of your body’s energy! sleep is extremely important and lack of sleep can cause lack of motivation for just about anything, so be sure you’re getting a good night’s rest every night.

mental health

self care! i can’t stress enough how important self care is in your daily routine. please always take care of yourself. do something that makes you happy and make sure you’re giving your mind what it needs.

counseling! lots of schools, if not all schools have counselors on their campus. if therapy isn’t a financial option for you right now, please don’t hesitate to seek out your school’s counselor. they’re there to help you through whatever it is you may need! (& it’s quite literally they’re job!)

୨ৎ — rescheduling your schedule

think about your current daily routine. there might be some things within your routine that just might not be working out for you. you might have too many extracurriculars, maybe your work hours are overloaded and take too much of your time, or maybe you’re not setting aside enough time in your day to work on schoolwork.

lessen your load

while having extracurriculars is wonderful for your academic career, sometimes you can have too many of them. keeping up with club meetings, late night/early morning athletics trainings, events that take place during your class times; there’s a lot of things that extracurriculars do that may be taking a lot of your time away from you and your studies.

keep your extracurriculars to a minimum: 1-2 max! you have so much time to build up on extracurriculars for university admissions and job applications, i promise! but you have to consider your current schoolwork load and make sure you’re able to balance both extracurriculars and your studies!

if you are trying to balance your school & work life, be sure you remember what takes priority: your studies! if you feel like your work schedule is overpowering your time to study, it may be time to lessen your work hours.

talk with your bosses! set up a meeting with your mangers or send them an email letting them know you need to start working less. let them know that your studies take priority right now and you need the time to focus on school.

part-time over full-time! being a full-time student and a full-time employee can lead to burn out. while it is possible to balance both, it’s definitely 100x harder. it’s okay to work part-time! and just remember: your studies will lead you to a better job!

weekly planning

you might want to start creating a general plan for your week! it doesn’t have to be super detailed, but have at least an overview of what your week will look like!

create small task lists! have certain days contain a small, achievable list of tasks to complete! again, detail doesn’t matter, you don’t have to write down specific assignments but you can write which classes you want to work on for those days!

for each day, have an hourly schedule! maybe from 5am-6am to you want to be up & out of bed and by 12pm-2pm you want to get some schoolwork done! don’t feel the need to create something extravagant and go by each hour, keep it as general as possible.

the key is to keep your weekly (or even daily) planning simple! don’t try to jump right into having detailed schedules and plans, that can cause more stress than help.

designated study days

to go off of weekly planning, try setting aside specific days during your week that are entirely dedicated to getting schoolwork & studying done!

my personal schoolwork/study days…

saturday/sunday (i try to dedicate at least one of those days to rest, relaxation, & more personal things! so maybe one week saturday will be my work day and sunday will be my rest day)

monday - wendesday (mondays & wednesdays are the days i have class, but i’m off from work mon-wed so i have so much more time on mondays & wednesdays to get some work or studying done!)

of course, you can start off small! i actually encourage you to start off small! maybe two days out of the week will be your designated days or maybe you’ll only have one day out of the week! and that’s okay!

୨ৎ — baby steps lead to giant leaps

from my previous points, i really emphasized simplicity & starting off small. here’s why: slowly chipping away at something will still show great amounts of progress!

don’t feel like you have to take on huge amounts of work to get back into the swing of things. if anything, biting off more than you can chew will cause you to choke on even more stress!

step 1: talk with advisors/counselors/teachers

the first step to officially getting back on track in school is meeting with your advisors, teachers, and pretty much any faculty members that will help you! (and i promise they will help you! it’s their job to make sure you succeed as a student and they’ll always encourage you to reach out for help!)

step 2: meet with tutors

there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a tutor! they do more than just help with understanding class content! they also help you with time management, organization, and study techniques/methods! plus, 9 times out of 10, those tutors are fellow students, so they know and understand better than anyone else what it’s like dealing with the stress of school as a student!

step 3: riding the completion coaster

this is the part where you can start completing assignments/tasks that need to get done! again, don’t overload yourself! start small! this is where slowly chipping away at your assignments comes in!

prioritize! which classes take priority? which assignments have the closest due dates? what exams are coming up the soonest? whatever needs to get done first is your first priority!

pomodoro method! i’ve talked about this productivity-time technique a plethora of times here on my blog, but it’s a wonderful work method that not only encourages you to get work done within a set amount of time but it also allows you to get very much needed breaks in as well!

tina’s productivity tip: there’s this little method i’ve created for myself where i write down on a little sticky note or separate piece of paper “prizes” that i get for when i complete an assignment or task called “recognize the prize”! the prizes are super simple things that still make me really happy (incorporating psychology techniques here lol)! i keep that little sticky note/paper with my prizes close by so i can remind myself what i’m working towards!

examples of how i do it…

assignment: lab workbook ch. 4, pages x & y

prize: take a break to eat a kitkat bar (i love kitkats hehe)

task: study for 1 hour

prize: watch one youtube video (no longer than 20 minutes)

assignment: online homework

prize: play a video game for 20 minutes

final notes —

falling behind sucks, but it happens and i hope you know that it’s completely normal! just remember: being behind & needing to catch up does not, and never will, define you as a failure. we aren’t made to be perfect students; there’s no such thing as a “perfect” student. strive for progress, not perfection!

you have the ability to get caught up with your studies! please don’t best yourself up for not being where you want to be right now. show yourself some grace because you’re only human at the end of the day.

with lots of love, faustina 🌷

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esotericbluntbaby · 4 hours ago

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impact

hamzahthefantastic x reader

description: after a rocky breakup with hamzah, your friend decided to drag you out for a night of entertainment. stumbling upon an boxing match, you thought that you'd be able to take your mind off the heartbreak you persevered through, not knowing that the very man who caused it was in the ring.

mentions: boxer! hamzah, ex! hamzah, hamzah's kind of an ass, blood, bruises, violence, angst, hurt/comfort, happy ending, forced proximity she/her pronouns

edged u guys with this sorry!

hamzah wasn't the best boyfriend. in fact, he was relatively one of the worst people that you could think of.

the pain you suffered stemmed from a relationship of about two and a half years; that much time attached to someone like ball and chain tends to hurt when the chain is cut off. throughout, you asked yourself what could've possibly happened to the man you fell in love with. he grew distant without explanation over time, becoming a ghost of the memories, emotions, and connection that the two of you once had. you spent your nights crying at night in your apartment because you had no clue where he was, nor did he care enough to text you about why he hasn't spoken to you in hours.

though you loved him, you realized the dynamic of your relationship was turning into spoiled milk. the love you once felt so deeply for him slowly turned into anguish and resentment for the time wasted. tears lessened the more you grew used to his absence as conversations began to die down, growing numb to the hurt he caused you by taking himself away from you. the sheets around you became the most "home" you've felt since you rarely felt his body around you, even when he was around. your heart grumbled with the new-found hunger that he made you feel; a craving that could no longer be quenched in the way that flowers crave water and sunlight to grow. how foolish of you to fall in love with someone who no longer knows how to love; how foolish of you to fall in love with someone who could break you apart by taking the love he had for you away.

two years, and even more of simply knowing hamzah, was gone within several texts and the block button being pressed, leaving you numb to any emotion that you were capable of feeling. you originally weren't going to block him, especially because you wanted to give him a final shot at explaining if he was going through a personal struggle or depression that spread onto you; if he was, you would've been more supportive than you currently were. however, you fought an internal battle with yourself on if you'd fold and stay with the mere joy that seeing his text message would give you. you no longer wanted to hurt, nor did you want to feel second. you had to block him in order to heal.

it has been 6 months ever since those text messages were sent and your life became a constant struggle of pondering. you thought that ending things would stop your craving for the "why"s and "what-if"s; instead, it amplified it. he definitely wouldn't text you; even if he did, you had him blocked both mentally and physically. so, you became an insomniac due to the running thoughts and memories that circled in your head every night. it wasn't healthy for you, of course, but you had no clue how to stop it.

that was until you figured out how to distract yourself from the mere thought of him. shaving away the part of your brain that contained him, you began to be as busy as possible as a coping mechanism for his leave. temporarily, it worked; however, you still dreamt of a life with him. you still dreamt of a life with the hamzah that kissed you that fateful night, tainting your lips with the feeling of love and staining your life with his own imprint on you.

tonight was supposed to be a night-in: chinese food, a romcom, and possibly some weed, if you really felt like it. however, your friend rin decided to drag you alongside her to this boxing match with her boyfriend, tyler. the last thing you wanted to be doing was third-wheeling your friend in an area that wasn't of your expertise, however, you owed her for the time that she gave you the rest of her rolling papers when you were out. so, putting on your leather coat, you headed off and walked to the address she sent you.

rin's colorful locs made her stand out from the crowd of people in front of the warehouse, as well as her lively personality. giving her a hug and feeling the fuzz on her sweater, you forgot what it was like to feel the touch of another person. it made you feel slightly loser-esque, but it was soon brushed off when tyler greeted you with a simple smile and wave.

"i haven't seen you in forever!" rin exclaimed, bathing in the fact that you came.

you smiled, "yeah, sorry, i've just been busy. how've you been?"

"i've been so good- me and tyler just moved in together, actually."

a flashback of a conversation you had with hamzah about moving in with him painfully entered your mind. you needed to distract yourself from the thoughts before they consumed you like quicksand.

"i'm so happy for you- how is it?" you asked the both of them.

tyler jokingly snarked, "besides all the hair that falls into the drain that she makes me clean up," she playfully hit him, "it's been amazing."

"oh, stop it! it isn't all the time-"

"yes, it is!

"no-"

the conversation fell into empty background noise as their banter created the emergence of the very problem you were running away from. in all honestly, you couldn't help but feel envious of the two in front of you as their playfulness reminded you of hamzah. lately, almost everything reminded you of him. you pushed the thought out of your head and reached the front of the line to buy your tickets. heading into the warehouse, you took your seats as you suddenly felt the loneliest you've ever felt as they began to become immersed in each other's presence. you were simply a third party.

growing tired of the boxing match in front of you, whom you didn't even know the names of, you decided to get up and stretch your legs, as well as explore the place you were at. you lied, saying that you had to use the restroom, and walked around a couple of times. it was only until you heard an announcer in the other room that you stopped in your tracks, feeling your throat grow a lump and your heart drop to the floor.

"aaand hamzah's down, folks! will he be able to recover?"

you flinched at the mere mention of his name. hamzah's relatively popular, especially within middle eastern communities, or at least, that's what you told yourself. curiousity always killed the cat, though, no matter how strong it was. unsurprisingly, you walked into the other room to allow your thoughts to be at ease. surely, it couldn't be the hamzah that you know of.

except it was.

he was almost unrecognizable.

the once curly, brown hair you'd run your hands into as he'd fall asleep was now buzzed and bleached to a toned blonde. he was fit; his muscles were always there, but watching him in the ring made you realized that he was now toned. his face now adorned a gash on his cheekbone, as well as bruises decorating his skin. though you resented him, you still worried for his wellbeing. you stared as his opponent blocked and punched him.

hamzah's eyes then locked onto yours for a solid 5 seconds, before his opponent socked him in the face. your hand covered your mouth as you gasped at the sight in front of you. he was hit so hard that he fell over as if he was a drunk man trying to walk after taking shots in the double digits. you wondered if he'd be able to get up; though he wasn't a fighter for you, he was definitely a fighter for himself. as the ref was about to call a stop to the match, he pushed himself up. a fire ignited in his eyes and he pushed himself to the max.

hamzah was now blocking every single punch thrown at him, as if he got into the mind of his opponent and could predict where he'd try to hit him. his punches seemed twice as strong, making his opponent wince and shrivel at each one thrown at him. before you knew it, the match was over

and hamzah won.

saying goodbye to your friends, you walked outside being met with freezing air. snow fell from the sky onto you and your surroundings; you soon came to the realization that you had to walk home in the cold as it snowed. not only did you have to walk in the cold, you also had to walk in the dark. you began to walk into the direction of your house until you felt a hand on your shoulder. thinking that rin forgot something in your purse, you turned around immediately. except, your eyes were met with hamzah's; he looked even better up close.

"are you really gonna walk home in the dark while it's snowing?"

you were confused on how he was able to talk to you as if he didn't smash your heart into pieces and leave you to fix it on your own. another part of you was upset at the fact that he was.

"yeah."

"no, let me drive you."

you scoffed, "hamzah, i really don't want to be alone in a car with you."

"you think i'd try anything?"

"i know you wouldn't, but that doesn't change anything. bye, hamzah."

you turned away once more, beginning to walk back to your house. until, his hand grasped your shoulder once more and softly swung you around.

"no, please," desperation was laced into his eyes, "please. it isn't safe."

you weighed your options: possibly freeze to death or get kidnapped and murdered, or endure the most awkward car ride of your life.

you chose the second option, not knowing what it would entail.

you didn't realize how far you walked until you realized it took you 20 minutes to get back to your house. you were about to exit the car with a simple "thank you" until hamzah locked the doors. you knew he wouldn't do anything bad, so the whole endeavor confused you and slightly irritated you. your ex currently locked you in his car, parked in front of your house. what the hell did he want?

"hamzah-"

"please, just talk to me for a little."

"why?"

his eyebrows furrowed, "because i missed you."

"oh, and i didn't?"

"let me expla-"

your voice became wobbly with emotion, "no, hamzah. stop. please, just let me leave."

you could hear the yearning in his voice as he spoke, "please. just listen to me, please- you don't have to forgive me or like me after you do but, please, just listen."

"fine."

"i fucked up. i fucked up the most that anyone could by losing you. i realized how serious things were getting and i was so scared that i'd be holding you back."

your voice became softer than the jaggedness you held in it each sentence you spoke to him.

"why would you be holding me back?"

"you deserve someone that could give you more than i could. i could never be enough for you and i'm sorry about that."

"so you just- you just fucking leave? not even, like, leave me but just dip from the relationship on your own terms? are you serious, hamzah? i thought you were smart, how could you do something this fucking dumb?"

he sighed, "i know i'm a fucking idiot. you can call me a fucking idiot. you can call me a moron. you can call me stupid- i don't care. i'm sorry- i'm so sorry. words will never be able to express how fucking sorry i am."

silence echoed in the space between you, eye contact being the only langauge being spoken. you didn't forgive him, but you weren't mad at him. you realized that his distance was only out of insecurity and miscommunication on his end. you didn't know how to feel; training yourself to hate him never worked and this made it even harder.

"you look different."

"i had to," he admitted, "every time i looked in the mirror, i'd think of you."

"what do you mean?"

"i'd fix my curls and run my hands through them and then suddenly, i got this feeling that my hands were actually yours."

"i'm not following-"

"i'd run my hands through my hair and pretend it was you. i'd touch my face and my arms and my chest and think about how you would. i physically couldn't look like me anymore or else i would keep on thinking about you."

"really?"

"even with new hair and a new body, i still think of you, so it was kinda useless."

"i think you look nice."

"really?"

"i feel the same as you, in a way, just without the physical altering," you admitted, "i think about you, still."

"what about me?"

you ran out of words to correlate to your thoughts. you were overwhelmed with all the emotion and loneliness you felt throughout the night. you didn't know what to say, causing you to take shaky, deep breaths as tears welled up in your eyes. you were going to wing it.

"i dunno, i guess i just- i thought i wasn't enough for you. i thought you hated me for the longest time because you never spoke to me and i just- i didn't know what i did wrong."

"no, baby, i could never hate you," hamzah put his arm over your shoulder, "i'm sorry. i'm so sorry- i never meant to hurt you."

"i spent so many nights just crying, hamzah, and now that i'm talking to you, i don't know how to feel."

"baby, i'm sorry. you didn't do anything wrong- i was an idiot and i messed up so bad. you don't deserve this."

"if you just told me you were feeling insecure about your spot in our relationship, you could've just told me."

"i should've, i know."

"i didn't want you to be perfect. i just wanted you."

hamzah's hand cupped your cheek, a familiar sense of love and nostalgia emerging out of his fingertips.

"do you still want me?"

"i never stopped wanting you."

the bridge between your lips connected after being apart for so long as he kissed you with desperation and passion intertwined inside of it. for the first time in months, the both of you felt complete again.

"baby, i know i messed up. i promise i'll make it up to you- but for now, i just want you back. i beat myself up everyday about losing you and i just- i can't take it anymore. i need you back more than i need air to breathe."

"hamzah, i don't want to get hurt again-"

"and you won't. please."

you saw the sincere look in his face as you scanned for any form of a lie. it was either to fall or to take a leap; so, you lept.

"no more boxing. i can't watch my boyfriend get hurt like that anymore."

author's note

i kinda hate this lowk but do we want more boxer!hamzah fics?? do i make this into a regular occurrence??

#hamzah fic #hamzah imagines #hamzah x reader #hamzahthefantastic #slushy noobz #hamzah x y/n #hamzah fluff #hamzah angst #hamzahthefantasticxreader

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imaginespazzi · 2 days ago

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Ok I am reading linear GH instead of working and this anon is honestly unreal - I love that they put the parts too with the dates! I am just jotting a few things that really stuck out to me and showcase your fucking GENIUS. The way you carried the themes of timing, trust, soulmates throughout everything is amazing, and its honestly fucking bananas that you were churning out a chapter a week at the beginning of this.

September 2017 (Part 3) - Facetiming

"Because as long as it’s Azzi on the other side, Paige and her impatient self can wait however long it takes."

"The younger girl makes Paige feel like it’s okay if she takes a moment to just breathe. Because Azzi will wait. Because Azzi won’t leave Paige behind."

July 2018 - I don't have a lot to note about this one but its very cute and innocent that you made Belarus be their first kiss considering they were already… well

October 2022 (Part 10) - Paige birthday surprise

a straight male flight attendant is a wild choice Nivi

"That smile, Azzi thinks, might just be the reason her world keeps turning." -> ok you use this later on when Azzi is watching Paige carry Stephie into curry camp. I can't

April 2025 (Part 14) - ARMAGEDDON

oh wow I feel like having the failed proposal so early on is going to really impact how the rest of the story feels

May 2025 (Part 11) - First Wings Game

oh my god reading the proposal then Paige's breakdown after her first Wings game is too much honestly

"Paige finds herself longing for the cold, unfeeling exterior of a foreign hotel room." -> wow you use this again when talking about how Paige prefers the hotel room when ASW is in Dallas. Comparing that to how instantly at home she feels with Azzi and Stephie in Oakland makes me wanna combust.

August 2025 (Part 8) - ASW Slow Dance

Reading them drunk slow dancing outside behind the club so soon after the proposal is truly heartbreaking and I shed a tear (or 10)

April 2027 (Part 12) - Dallas Surprise

ok seeing the gap between August 2025 and Azzi seeing Polivia when she goes to Dallas… I am kind of wondering if anything happened in the 1.5 year gap in-between… besides Olivia sinking her acrylics into Paige

May 2027 (Part 12) - PREG

I picture Tristan looking like Tyler from this past season of love is blind - good looking light skinned guy with a breeding fetish (not a parenting desire thought lol)

It will never not amaze/impress me how you managed to make Stephie exist because of Paige in two different ways

December 2027 (Part 5) - Polivia Matrimony

reading the pre-wedding phone call HITS SO MUCH HARDER with all the context. Dear god.

Drew really doesn't hold back when he dislikes the person his sister is romantically involved with eh?

"hey there little bean. I’m your-” she stops because what is she, “I’m your Paige,” -> MOMMY

August 2028 (Part 7) - LA olympics

I love that we go from the wedding to this relationship being in absolutely shambles

I've said it before I'll say it again, Olivia is so valid for fucking hating Azzi

April 2029 (Part 8) - Paige Drunk Phonecall

Wow Clem must think Paige is an absolute barbarian based off that phone call

September 2029 (Part 2) - Paige Stephie meet

This one hit really hard too when read in context. Paige has for sure seen pics of Stephie on Instagram or on the sidelines at games and thought about Azzi being a mother, actually holding that little bean would be so emotional.

April 2030 (Part 9) - HUMPIN

Reaaaallly didn't take much for them to get back into bed

August 2031 (Part 13) - ASW Hoodie Autograph

This is another gap that sticks out to me when put in context. Like they had sex and then nothing for 1.5 years when they briefly cross paths again. Obviously Azzi was busy with a toddler but without even Olivia to distract her I can imagine Paige just being so depressed wallowing in Dallas.

August 2032 (Part 13) - LAST TIME

Again seeing this in sequence stood out to me as they had sex SIX MONTHS before the story technically 'starts'… and of course have an argument/encounter that is pretty intense. I have to admit I thought it was a bit out of place how ANGRY they were in chapter one and how much they didn't want to encounter each other let alone be on the same team, especially given the fact that they had slept together a few times and had non-angry interactions. The balcony scene here really puts things in perspective. All they want is each other, but they are so damn stupid lol

February 2033 (Part 2) - Paige signs contract/ice cream date

Ok it is actually so funny that when we first got this chapter and Paige saying "“She was the most beautiful girl in the world,” “she still is.” seemed like a really bold move of Paige… in context they fucked 6 months ago its not bold at all

March 2033 (Part 5) - "It wasn't over, it still isn't over" notebook scene in Steph's office

Alright this is getting really long but I will echo what other people have said… they got together SO QUICKLY. Wild considering I remember when getting the weekly updates being so impatient for them to get together but they are making out/'taking it slow' like … 3 days after P moves to Oakland

ANYWHOOOO You are the best and I can't wait for the rest of the story ❤️❤️ 🦫🦫

Thank you my love, that means a lot to me. To be fair, those first few chapters were relatively shorter than the ones I've put out more recently and honestly, the story was still relatively simpler back then.

LMFAO I wasn't even thinking about male attendant stereotypes while writing that ngl

I want to pretend that some of these repeated lines were intentional artistic genius, but I have to admit that it is at least partially just me running out of things to say lmao.

I lowkey forget the drunk slow dancing scene exists but yeah that was for sure an insane moment of them

Polivia sounds like polio which sounds like a disease which makes sense...

But I don't think much happen in those one and half years, especially because they barely see each other the first half of it, since Azzi's not in the W yet and then their first year with both of them in the W is just very awkward, but every time they see each other other, Azzi especially, they miss each other.

Drew did everything in his power to stop that wedding lol

Olivia is valid in every single feeling she feels to be honest like that girl suffered for absolutely no mistake of her own

All they needed to fuck was a little bit of liquor and both of them single lol

Paige was either sulking and celibate of fucking every woman with a pulse that year but it's up to interpretation for y'all what happened the year after the divorce

Ahh I'm so glad you mentioned this because really I think a lot of how they behave only really starts to make sense after you've gotten all of the events and Linear anon putting the events in order makes it all make more sense. They're angry at each other because the argument is fresh and it's also easy for them to fall back into each other, because if we're being real, they already had relapsed a couple of time.

LMFAO yeah it took them literally a second which wasn't my original plan. I was gonna have a lot more back and forth but I also felt like they were in a place, where sort of going too fast just happened naturally and added to the conflict later on.

#ask #fic talk #veryyy excited for linear anon to put the next parts of the story into order as well if they feel like it!

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calware · 16 hours ago

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ok starting off with dresses bcs that's the original topic

honestly idk if my memory is just blanking but i could barely find any drawings i've made of characters wearing dresses that show more than just the top </3

^ there's these with jake and rose (the rose one was by request all the way back in 2021), and one for dave i drew also in 2021 (on the left):

(blocked out the head bc i don't like it...) i was actually thinking of that old drawing while making the new one, almost like a spiritual successor. i did NOT do that first image justice i have no idea what i was doing.... but i really like how the new one came out

whenever i draw outfits for june, i usually try sticking to this palette of like... cream, brown, and Iime (and sometimes cyan gets thrown in there too). i love that color combo for her. for the outfit on the right specifically i was thinking about an outfit she would put on without much thought, just a hoodie and sweatpants, typical depression-era "don't look at my body" fit. iirc i mentioned in the caption of that drawing that my idea was that jade had dragged her outside to play pokemon go, and i wanted to give her an outfit that matched that vibe

i also like giving rose fun button-up shirts with collars. i think they look nice on her. i like gravitating to green and orange for her because of the light aspect & kanaya respectively (i feel like purple is a color i use least in my drawings)

for dave, there's less a specific outfit piece i usually go for and moreso little details i like to include. for example i picked up the pants with the cinched ankle from kimquatz, the CD/DVD shirt from gvroerotica, and the drawstrings on the godtier outfit from indigonite

for jade there are two main things i gravitate toward: shirts with teal and lime or overalls (or both, for the one in the middle-left). and if i'm giving her a t-shirt, i like to do something where the sleeves are a different color from the torso. for her godtier outfit, sometimes i like to add to add a bit more detail, and my favorite addition to make is drawstrings with beads colored to match her friends

iiii kind of ran out of steam after this one, so i'll end it off here with jane. i like giving her a more androgynous style. and once again, i like collared shirts... yay

i was struck with the sudden urge to compliment how you outfit the characters in your drawings. especially when they are in dresses. put more of them in dresses.

WAAAH thank you so much :')!! sometimes i don't put any thought into their outfits at all (white t-shirt goes crazy) but other times i do put thought into it so i'm glad it's appreciated <3 i actually don't draw dresses very often because i. forget that they exist 😦 but for your sake i will try to remember more often <3

#maybe i'll do a part 2 but maybe not. i'm going to leave it here for now

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drac-kool-aid · 1 year ago

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Seward's bone deep desire to run away from the asylum is not exactly surprising. There have been a lot of really good meta posts about how the return of Van Helsing into his life is the turning point where we see the caring and good side of him and how we can interpret his life as a student in Amersterdam as one of freedom and happiness. How he is part of the tragedy of manners, how strict social expectations allow Dracula to persist, and how they only exacerbate the unhappiness of the characters.

And I think the tragedy of Seward is that, really, he should not be the head of an asylum. It's a job that brings him no joy, and he's BAD at it. We can all recognize that if your first reaction to going back to work is "What if I just leave it all." That isn't a healthy work environment.

Now, in the modern day, the ability to pick and choose a work environment, even to leave one that is damaging your mental health, is a privilege. (IT SHOULDNT BE, but it is). And, although it is definitely reaching crisis levels in modern times, major changes in your career have almost always been difficult (unless you are really rich, or a particular brand of academic in the 17th-18th century, or both).

Seward can't just leave and become a surgeon. To give up the lofty position of "Head of an Asylum" would be unthinkable in the 1890s, especially for a reason like "Being here is basically turning me into the Joker." Like, how would Seward explain that in polite society? Would they accept that reasoning? Would they create salacious gossip if they didn't? Can Seward leave his position without losing a great amount of social capital?

Probably not.

His rise to head of an asylum, as many have pointed out, was meteoric, to say the least. It has afforded him status and respect and also left him deeply, deeply fucked up. And he can't leave!

I think his desperate attempts to quantify Renfield's behaviors into a new mental illness are telling in this regard. Maybe he is too used to having to meet some sort of expectation, and now he thinks this is the logical next step (It's NOT, but I digress). The feeling of having to keep performing above expectations, grasping at straws to do so, and subsequently burning oneself out (as well as others around you) and engaging in unethical practices? Idk. It sounds like something that would happen today. (tbh there are probably a ton of Sewards out there today, as there are still systemic problems within the mental health system that allow for the dehumanizing and abuse of patients).

It doesn't excuse his behavior. Nothing he does to Renfield is excusable, but I think it does explain some of the *why*. He isn't just cruel for cruelty's sake.

So, tldr I guess: I think reading Seward as someone who got stuck on a career path that he realized was unfufilling and that he ends up hating. Social conventions restrict him from just quitting without and a (socially acceptable) good reason to do so, and a lifetime of being regarded as one of the smartest people in the room means he can not allow himself to fail. Unfortunately, this also means he can not admit when his actions or his ideas are wrong when it comes to his job.

(But he can show that uncertainty FOR Lucy, and TO Arthur and Van Helsing, which speaks his trust and love for them)

#dracula daily #jack seward #re: dracula #i think im rambling #but this kind of hit me #Jack's trapped in the asylum too in a way #only difference is his place of power allows him to take out that frustration on others #and i think it speaks VOLUMES that one of Jack's first entries was about how he regretted exacerbating Renfield just to study him #and as the sleepless nights and days filled of performing a job that he hates (and cannot bring himself to admit he hates)#as well as the depression from rejection #he stops feeling guilty

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strryhaze · 13 days ago

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bobby & david kennedy

“There was some level on which David tapped his father’s sensitivity. You would find him walking with David or with his arm around David. David just seemed to need it.”

— chuck mcdermott.

“If his father’s death hit David harder than the others, it was because there had been a special bond between them—both were the runts of the litter, sandwiched into the middle of a large family. He was the only one in the family who hadn’t been enthusiastic about the run for the presidency. For weeks after his father’s announcement, David had been plagued by recurring nightmares about Bobby’s death. Distraught over episodes that seemed premonitory, and missing the special attention his father had given him, David had gotten in trouble for throwing rocks at cars passing by Hickory Hill. The day of the California primary, he had joined his father in Los Angeles. The two of them had been swimming and he had felt himself being carried out by the undertow when his father grabbed him, scraping his own head on the ocean floor as he reached for David’s slippery arm. With a teenager’s melodrama, David had decided that he owed his father a life and would look for an opportunity to pay him back in the years ahead. That night as he sat in front of the television set in his room in the Ambassador Hotel and watched [his father] bleeding on the floor downstairs, one of the thoughts he had was that the debt would be forever undischarged.”

“As the worst year of their young lives came to a close, they decided to surprise their mother at Christmas with a book comprised of letters about their father. David’s said: ‘Daddy was very funny in church because he would embarrass all of us by singing very loud. Daddy did not have a very good voice. There will be no more football with Daddy, no more swimming with him, no more riding and no more camping with him. But he was the best father there ever was and I would rather have him for a father for the length of time I did than any other father for a million years.”

— the kennedy’s, peter collier & david horowitz.

“David looked at himself in those pictures like they were a strange sort of mirror. He looked at them half a dozen times at least, mesmerized by them, and he kept asking me questions. There was a tremendous desire to know his father, to really know him.”

— john seigenthaler.

“David and Bobby were so close. They were inseparable. David was small, a runt like Bobby had been.” Ethel then explained to Noelle (her secretary) that David had always been a very sensitive youngster, very introverted, "not like the other boys. He and I would go and pick flowers while his brothers were killing each other with their crazy games", Ethel recalled with a smile.

— ethel kennedy.

“I think about death a lot. Time hasn’t erased the death of my father from my mind. My family thinks I’m no good and that I’ll never beat my problem. They’ve written me off. I’m trying to get it together, but it’s so difficult. I’m having a terrible time at it. And the thing I want most in the world is the approval of my family, but they want nothing to do with me. All I want is to be with my father.”

— david kennedy, april 1984.

“Like his family, his friends had all wondered at one time or another if he would kill himself; but when it finally came his death was nonetheless shocking. ‘I keep asking myself why. Why David? Why now? All I can come up with is that maybe his father was looking down from heaven and saw all the hell these people were putting him through and said, ‘Come on, You’ve suffered enough. It’s time you were up here with me.’”

— nancy narleski.

Years after David Kennedy’s death, his cousin, Patrick Kennedy recalled a haunting and heartbreaking recollection he had with his father, Teddy, sitting beside his cousin’s casket: “My father remembered Bobby telling him that, as a father, he needed to spend more time with David. He also recounted a story Uncle Bobby had told him just before his own death. On the day before the California primary, the Robert Kennedys had gone swimming in Malibu, to relax together. David had been knocked over by a wave and got caught in the undertow, and his father had come to his rescue. When Uncle Bobby told my father this story, he talked about ‘the undertow’ in broader terms, how there was an undertow in life and David, who was only then thirteen, already seemed vulnerable to it. And then, just hours later, Uncle Bobby was murdered as David watched the TV coverage in their hotel room upstairs. It was unbelievably poignant to hear my father tell this story. David was in the casket next to us. And I wasn’t that much older than David when his father worried whether he could survive the undertow.”

#the fifth photo where he’s caressing david’s cheek …..#every time i think about bobby & david my heart cracks a little #the way that he was iced out by the kennedy's bc of his drug addiction is so heartbreaking. but is it surprising? not really #ofc i understand that trying to help someone with an addiction is never easy and warrants a whole other conversation #i remember reading ab how kathleen tried to help as she was the oldest but other ppl in the family dissuaded her from it after a while #chris lawford talked ab how eunice once got him out of trouble but was incredibly angry at how the family had neglected their own children #said something about how 'we're so good at taking care of other ppl's problems but absolutely awful at looking after our own'#so i'm moreso side-eyeing ppl like rfk jr who actively benefitted in painting david as the black sheep #or just Didn't Care bc it reflected badly on them.#david was made to feel unimporant in the family when anyone who met him said he was Always the brightest of bobby’s children #which made his downward mental spiral all the more tragic to those sympathetic to him #and it kind of kills me bc he really was so much like Bobby who grew up only ever wanting his family’s love and approval #who as a young man was also so angry at the world & depressed but then was slowly sucked out of its intensity bc of ethel’s love and suppor #and because he found purpose through fatherhood and public service #but david never had the opportunity to have those things or that type of support #not after he lost his father who he felt was the only one who understood & cared for him and gave him that support #david later revealed to peter collier & David Horowitz that his brothers even called him a traitor which had left him in tears #and he was only further ostracized by the family for talking to those biographers and telling them the actual truth #moral of the story: bobby and david kennedy deserved better #rfk #bobby kennedy #david kennedy #kennedy family

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queer-omens-in-the-archives · 21 hours ago

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@suckerforthisshit replying in a reblog instead of replies because i got REALLY long-winded dfhgsdfj (putting this under a cut for the sake of our followers)

omg this is so wild?? hello i love this. are you gonna post the story somewhere/does it already exist somewhere?? interesting dynamics 👀 (and also curious about L faking his death lol like what IS that about. omg.)

also yeah i see what you mean re: your Near's role in the plot!! your Near is DEFINITELY way more active than ours dhfgsdf

i think a contributing factor in how we write Near is that we tend to have him both very duty-oriented (putting the expectations placed on him & his stated goals ahead of what he personally wants/needs, unlike Mello who prioritises differently), AND

in denial about, or repressing important elements of, his internal state

struggling with some kind of paradigm change

in post-canon AUs only, super depressed and mostly apathetic.

meanwhile, in general, our Mello is way ahead of Near in terms of identifying and handling intense emotions -- not necessarily because because he is perfect at it, but in the sense that he actually like… feels his emotions/knows his wants well, and is driven to action by them. in contrast to Near who suppresses his emotions/wants where they contradict his goals/perceived duty, and therefore does nothing about them (unless they become overwhelming, which can force him to more immediate/instinctive action by removing his well-honed coping mechanism of Plan Ahead & Suppress)

in one of our (not even remotely close to canon) AUs, Near can feel Mello's emotions (not the reverse. long story), and because handling Mello is his Duty, he is actually more in tune with Mello's emotional state than his own. he also engages in a bunch of Denial because much of what he learns from Mello, what Mello makes him feel, threatens his (indoctrinated from birth) established worldview. which i think participates in his "immobility" because, well, you can't make moves to change stuff you're not even ready to admit Should be changed.

and, like in your story, it's Near struggling the most with feeling like he is "overly" attached to Mello -- he tries hard to ensure things can't go further emotionally than they already have (keeping the status quo at the cost of his own wants/needs). but he hits a point where he realises the status quo is unfulfilling and wrong, so in this AU Near is the one who has to go through a full-on existential crisis and grapple with the changes.

meanwhile Mello is immensely interpersonally traumatised, and it takes a lot for him to start trusting Near, but he gets to the "admitting what he wants for them both" part way faster than Near, so he ends up always kind of waiting for Near to catch up. he can't do a lot from his position, but he does get Near to think and consider new things and change in ways Near would've never come to on his own!

and in another AU where we wrote the reverse of that dynamic. they are a decade younger which informs Some of Mello's characterisation tbh dhgsdf. Near is incredibly passive and detached due to Interpersonal Trauma + Learned Helplessness, and this drives Mello nuts because he doesn't understand it. like he feels so confused about Near's lack of outward reaction, confused to the point of both disgust and fascination, which he acts out in completely unhinged ways -- to try and get Near to react, to be a bit more like him and bring them closer. actually what you said where

He grabs Near when he feels like it and tries to get answers to things in past, or just stare at his beautiful albino face as long as possible as close as possible. Near stays stoic and tries to escape the situation […]. Mello, on other hand, reacts to every Near's 'flaw'

for this AU? THAT IS A MOOD. like this Near very much cannot escape from the situation in any meaningful way (his only possible escape is dissociating things away, freeze state) but otherwise, similar. (like not fully, because a lot of this AU fic is about Near learning that it's okay to want things and act accordingly (he picks that up from Mello) -- he ironically ends up less passive than the other AU's Near despite having less agency, but it's still all because Mello started pushing him)

like in both cases what drives our plot forward is Mello's wants and feelings. if you removed Mello from the equation, then Near would be fully content to stay where he is. which ough they drive me insane together tbh

so we've spent the past three months writing MelloNear daily, and we've worked on enough different pieces in that time that i now have some Thoughts as to the narrative purposes they each tend to serve in our own works (this is not. about canon though i suppose it DERIVES from their canon dynamic. this is very much about how we personally play with the blorbos)

by and large Mello serves to drive the plot, regardless of the position he is put in within the universe. we don't even have to actively be trying to do anything with him -- even in our more Near-centric pieces, as long as Mello is present? his emotions, whims, wants are what shapes the trajectory of the story, his emotional beats are the beats that drive the plot forward. he feels, he impulses, he injects stuff into the sequence of events. things happen because Mello wants them to (or pushes Near to make them happen if/when he himself cannot).

meanwhile Near is much less of a driving force for the plot and more of a reflective force for the story. he isn't IRRELEVANT to the plot, he doesn't do NOTHING, but most of what he does from a plot progression standpoint is reactive. like, he acts not because of an inner drive, not based on his own wants or needs, but largely when his circumstances require action of him. (by circumstances i don't just mean Plot Events. sometimes what he reacts to are his own emotions, like in sweet atonement, when they are so overwhelming that he cannot put them aside to strategise effectively anymore -- the keyword here being "effectively", because even then his first response will still often be to try to strategise.) by and large what Near does do is provide space for reflection, for thought, for analysis. things happen to him, or through him, and he thinks about them a bunch, and he'd leave it at that if Mello wasn't pushing him.

so they make for super neat storytelling when you figuratively drop them together in a jar and shake them around, because it's like. Mello pushes Near into action Near wouldn't take on his own; and then Near adds weight to Mello's direction, provides a deeper sense of spacetime, fleshes out the places where Mello takes him that Mello wouldn't necessarily stop at or consider on his own. like at their core, in the way we write their dynamic, Mello Does and Near Is. and mixing them up, you get: all of the essential elements for a compelling story!

and obviously im not like, talking in absolutes, none of this is true 100% of the time or the only possible reading of them, nuance exists etc etc. but that's the general trends we're starting to notice in our own MelloNear writing over the past few months

#suckerforthisshit #death note #dn meta #mellonear #thank youuuuu i love exchanging thoughts on personal AUs. aaaahhh

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