#it hurts so much bc they dont even know im trans or non binary (i havent told them)

[haoaibai]

today at school, i had some “friends” and one friend went “who’s ready for pride month?” and they were all cheering in the classroom and then this one friend who sat next to me (found out she makes fun of me sometimes) said so much horrible things about trans people and the lgbtq community (mostly the trans and non binary community including genderfluid)

they started saying they hate trans people bc we “take the piss” and they never understand why we go by he/they and she/they and that and they invalidated neopronouns too saying “wtf are neopronouns? some neopronouns users actually have pronouns like meow/meow, xe/xem, etc” like why would i wanna call you that like that’s so stupid (laughs)” and they started talking about this teacher who got sacked bc he misgendered a student who was trans and trial for 3 days and now they went “oH nO OfFENsE but what is genderfluid? what is that? bc why am i a man the next day, a female today, a trans next day, and demi fucking the next week like that’s so confusing and you can’t change genders like that so they need to stop that HAHAHAHHAA” and the “why do you guys use he/they pronouns? and she/they and whatever? like you can’t use more than one pronoun and gender equals pronouns like stop being stupid” LIKE I FELT SO INVALIDATED OMFG

“and i never understand the non binary mfs who use more than one pronouns or say their gender is this that like THERES ONLY 2 GENDERS. female and male. nothing else???”

and they just said so much more like oh my god (message me if you wanna hear the rest) and i just hate them for it. I BROUGHT MY PRIDE FLAG for celebration in my bag and thank god i never brought it our bc yall wouldve invalidated me.

i hate people. lgbtq ppl are extremely valid. yall cishets and straights NEED TO SHUT UP.

[booksandpaperss]

some ramble-y thoughts on men's social isolation and women's safety bc this has been on my mind for a bit

I do think it's really sad how men end up feeling so isolated bc of various social expectations as well as people being cruel, but as a fem presenting person I have to say that you can't just expect women and anyone who is fem presenting to just "start being nicer". ive seen a few posts on Tumblr essentially stating that but I have to reiterate it is about safety. I literally cannot afford to stop looking at men with caution and assumed violence until I get to know them really well bc if I stop that could genuinely cost me me life. its true that most men I see probably are not predators and im sure it hurts to be perceived that way, but I have no way of being able to tell who is and isn't going to harm me. I have to assume the worst because it is the only way I can stay safe.

it sucks, it really does, for all parties involved. I have so much sympathy for the men who are genuinely kind and would never hurt me that feel isolated, it isn't fair, and I myself certainly don't enjoy the *necessary* fear that the random guy im passing on the street could see me and decide to hurt me, but this is the reality of the world. there is no easy solution, but what certainly isn't a solution is expecting women to start being kinder to men they dont know because once again: that could genuinely cost someone their life.

The best solution right now I think is to continue to try to deconstruct misogyny and gender roles, and that takes time, patience, and understanding.

I have also seen the notion on here that men feeling isolated socially is misandry, but the reality is that misandry is simply not real on a systemic scale. men feeling isolated is a direct result of the patriarchy and a side affect of misogyny. a lot of things on this website that are perceived as misandry are either not real problems or they are but they're just the impacts of misogyny and the gender roles that come with it.

But it is very surreal to be walking alone at night, clutching my pepper spray and glaring whenever a man I don't know is near me, making sure to stay next to the street and make it obvious I know exactly where I'm going and still feeling the fear that it might not be enough and something horrible could happen to me anyway, only come back to Tumblr and see people saying misandry is just as prevalent as misogyny and women need to start considering how it feels for men to be looked at like they're predators. Touch grass seems like an applicable statement here.

oh and obligatory piss on the poor tumblr disclaimer: I know I am using binary terms so before any of you get on your high horse about it, I myself am non binary. I am not actually a woman, but I certainly look like one and therefore deal with misogyny. I fully understand that trans men and genderqueers of all kinds as well as even feminine cis men also fear for their life on the street so dont even think abt getting on my ass about that. oh and if any of you try to call this a terf post consider yourself blocked with a recommendation to get a refresh on what terf actually means instead of just throwing around the term when you see any post trying to talk about misogyny :D

final disclaimer bc I wanna cover all my bases due to Tumblr reading comprehension: im aware topics like this are very nuanced with lots of layers, please dont act like im obligated to cover all that in a random Tumblr post of all things, I cannot possibly cover everything nor am I obligated to. I simply wanted to remind ppl that actual lives are at risk and fem presenting people constantly and regularly fear for their life bc I feel like that gets left out a lot in conversations like this on here. <3

[vintage-bentley]

when compared to some bigger fandom id say gelphie is not a big ship and it takes a while for me to find fics i'd consider reading (bc of tags/formatting) and then when i do half the time they give elphaba (green witch from the wizard of oz) a dick and just do not tag it. im still flabbergasted it's 2024 and it's progressive to make the more masculine woman in a ship into a man/male enby

just very frustrated with the state of f/f bc non binary identity just seems like an excuse to give women penises, when i read fics for another fandom one of the women is played by an actress that uses they/them so half the fics also give her a dick. the entire plot of the show happens bc she doesnt have one have some tact😭 id complain on my own page but i dont want to be blocked by half my mutuals since they are lovely people just drank the gender kool aid

This is exactly why I don’t even venture into F/F tags. Seeing dicks being inserted into F/F ships hurts so much for so many reasons…the main ones being how personal it is to me, and how strong the pressures on lesbians from the trans community to like dick are. It’s something that already upsets me irl, and I don’t want to see it in fiction too.

And tbh I’ve gotten the same way with M/M ships. Maybe I’m just sensitive but it hurts so much just to see people straightwashing same sex ships, that I’m not interested in wading through that shit just to find one fic that respects homosexuality.

And filtering tags only goes so far, because I’ve run into fics that just has surprise het sex in the middle with no tags.

I find it’s especially prevalent with fandoms involving some sort of magic system (which is why I haven’t even given Buffy or First Kill fics a chance. I’d rather live in blissful ignorance like I wish I had with GO, than be hit with people hettifying ships that mean a lot to me). No matter the magic system, people will find a way to use it to give a female character a dick or a male character a pussy. Because straight sex is oh so important to write all the goddamn time.

I’m sorry that you have to deal with this in your fandoms 💜 it’s so painfully lonely to be surrounded by genderists who don’t give half a shit about homosexuality and homophobia, and care much more about their magic gender feels and their love for hettery. And even though it’s just online fandom stuff that really shouldn’t matter…it’s sad to know that these are real people running around in the world who think it’s perfectly okay to write heterosexual sex and call it “gay”.

[menalez]

the effect that the lesbian masterdoc had on the internet is so insane. i mean i know we all know that but i was on the uquiz website the other day and it had one on the recommended page that was about finding out if youre a "lesbian with comphet". i already had a bad feeling from that and did the quiz to see how it was. i answered honestly to see if it would armchair diagnose me since im a febfem with rare attraction to men and thats what some of those people would classify as comphet. fortunately it didnt and instead told me im bisexual and how thats completely okay (like um yeah?? lol. it gave a vibe of "dont be sad that youre not a lesbian") but the questions were obviously very heavily inspired by the lesbian masterdoc. like "are you only attracted to men who are unattainable?" like fictional characters or whatever. its now a common belief among chronically online girls that thats a sign of comphet like...yes im attracted to "unattainable" men too. which is a result of living as a woman in a patriarchy. fictional men cant hurt or disappoint or assault you. its literally so obvious why this is common among girls and yet they’d rather misinterpret it.

omfg this made me curious so i looked for a quiz like that on uquiz and. oh my god.

love how "little to no attraction to men" is an option on a quiz determining whether ur a lesbian.

women/non-binary ppl...

????????????? how is this supposed to help u figure out if ur a LESBIAN

i hate how this idea of compulsory heterosexuality is just ;.. bisexuality w a preference? and the funny thing:

the vast majority got comphet lesbian lmao. which is a given bc the quiz doesnt even differentiate between bisexuality and "comphet lesbianism"

anyways i wish ppl realised the comphet masterdoc was made by some girl who actually turned out to be bisexual and would stop using it as lesbian gospel. i once saw this 'lesbian' youtuber do a video on it and was like :0 omg i relate soooo much!! until a trans youtuber did a video critiquing it for being 'biphobic' (no word on how lesbophobic it is tho) and the 'lesbian' youtuber then did a whole switch and was like OMG SHES SOOOO RIGHT ITS SO TRANSPHOBIC TOO RIGHT?? or seeing kehlani say she realised shes a lesbian bc of the comphet masterdoc when she was in long-term relationships w men and was talking about how shes super into feminine and 'queer' men a few years prior...... idk its annoying as hell.

when i was in my teens, we didnt have this masterdoc and i remember lesbians already used the term comphet back then but it was way more normal instead of this 'if u have a crush on a guy but dont want to, its comphet <3' nonsense

[bigmack2go]

I havent posted abt atwow in much too long so…

Aonunete

Aqachno/rotxorro!!!

Lesbian or aro-ace kiri

Non-binary kiri👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Tuk went from the most feminine female to the genderlessed baddass in the history of gerless badasses

^human au Tuk🤷🏼‍♀️^

Gender confused Rotxo [male or non binary] (in the end he just decides they doesn’t need a lable)

Tsireya and neteyam are besties!

Just found out it isnt canon that koko loro and rotxo r triplets LIKE BRO THE LOOK T H E S. A. M. E.

Ao'nung and rotxo both would be one of those guys to wear a purple hoodie with a black daun-jacket all fall and winter as their only outfit but it somehow always stays clean. Any way aonung would have that style in a very straight way (this man is everything but straight 💀😭)

Double eyebrowpircing human rotxo

Kiri has freckles and she would 100% be on wich-tok, tumblr, and collect christals if she were human

And tsirey pulls of e. V. E. R. Y. Eyeliner look, style and color

I just wanna say i believe in sully-brothers-wearing-toothnecklaces supremacy

Rotxo-> purple hoodie with goofy pictures

Kiri is one if those remus-lupin-cardigans girls to cry to lana del ray in the bathroom (me)

And she showed tsireya lana-del-ray

and kiri hhas a septum and an eybrowpricing maybe even a lip or toungeonr

And loak is a basketballer i just know it

And he would be one of those people who could just where whatever combined with what ever and call it style and it would work.

(Wich is the worst part of these people istg)(IM LOOKING AT YOU JIMMY I HOPE YOU FEEL MY GLARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN YOU WANNA SLEEP BUT THAT TNGLE IN YOUR VACK KEEPS YOU AWAKE what—)

While neteyam on the other hand would have the best and most homosexual (-/j) style that exists in this universe like bri he be so fine

And allthough he almost never does he could ahundret percend pull of indiekid (he usually pulls of normal indie but ykyk)

PLUS neteyem eventually beat some actual style into him

Also if this isnt human loak i dont want it

Neteyam also would have the best music taste and you K N O W it

Neitiri would obviously be of faith and Neteyam too. Neteyam would be one of those guys thats friends woth the cool kids but solehow hea the only one in that friendgroup that has morals.

Aonung our beach boy surfer boy he's so QuiRcy Ahhh 🤪🤪 (i just cringed at my self) Tangtop and bathshorts summerjob at some random pool am i wrong??

and tuk did karate

TELL ME IM WRONG

I DARE U

And aonung almost cried when he got his tatoos. For. every. Single. One.

Now that would be totally fine if he didn’t go around telling everyone how tough he was and how it didnt even hurt, just tickled. (Nete was there for some of them. He bust raises his eyebrows and silently judges him when he says shit like that)

Rotxos tail curls when hes rly happy or exited

If rotxo was to cook smt he would 100% burn it and when i say burn it i dont mean Oh No ITs AIL bLaCk AnD cRuSTy NO I MEAN

FIRE

There

LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL ME NORM SPELLMAN WOULDNT HAVE PLAYED 'BORN THIS WAY' TO SPIDER FUCJING SOCCORO WHEN HE CAME OUT AS TRANS

Oh and also i just know he loved golf back on earth

Jake showed them all human stuff like lana del ray and shit and spider is in LOVE woth spiderman like broooooo uts just a little too accurate

And they're all Beyoncé obsessed bc jake showed them

Some of these are from my friend btw but she doesn’t have tumblr. ALSO i made none of the incredible artworks! The TikTok of the artist is in each photo!

[kael-writ]

Genuine Question to cis women who are pro-trans allies (because I cant trust anything a terf says): when you have been to the ob/gyn did you feel your gender as a cis woman was affirmed; your care referred to as woman's healthcare, your pronouns assumed to be "she", being referred to as a woman, etc?

The reason I ask is because there is so much alarmism about stuff like saying "people with a uterus".

And sorry to ask a question and then immediately preach out my fuckin agenda, but it bothers me... because... as a female non-binary person, I know that I am called a woman, presumed to be a cis woman, and I am scared to death of being perceived as queer or trans in a medical setting; Ive had my pronouns asked once in the ER, and I was not really able to talk much but I feel I conveyed the "please dont out me" vibe and it was dropped. I dont even come out to a medical worker if they have a rainbow ribbon or whatever because I dont know if theyll be discreet. I dont want to be purposely hurt or neglected bc Im queer & trans. Am I paranoid? Sure. Is that paranoia justified? There are cases where trans people have been denied treatment for being trans.

[skiasurveys]

494

Name: skia

Country: Canada

Age: 23

Gender(s): female

Height: 5’1

weight: 145

eye color: brown

skin color: white

Heritage: French, Swedish and Ukrainian

Relationship status: taken

Are you physically healthy? Yes and no

Are you mentally healthy? Nope

Job?: none atm

school: Rdc

Favs:

Animal: wolf

Flower: don’t have one

Movie: the lion king

TV show: this is us

Music: classic rock

Band: queen

Video Game: animal crossing

Gaming Console: ps4 or switch

Name: don’t have one

Person: jennifer

Love life:

1: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yeah

2: Do you love them? Of course

3: Are you still in love with an ex?no

4: How many people have you dated? Like 4

5: Do you think you’ll get married? I’m not sure

6: Have you ever been emotionally/physically abused in a relationship? -

7: Have you ever hurt your partner by accident without knowing it? Yeah I always apologize after

8: Whats important to you in a relationship? Communication and loyality

9: Do you have to see them everyday? ( or hear from them) before we lived together , yes but since we live together now he doesn’t need to text me every day cus we see each other daily but if he’s gone away then yeah lol

10: Do you think you can love someone within 2 weeks? I mean maybe but also no..

Friendship and Family:

1: How many friends do you have? Like 5

2: What type of friend are you? I’m not sure. The one who makes jokes

3: Have you ever been friends with someone for longer than 7 years? Yeah I think the longest js 13 years

4: Do you have one best friend, more or none? I have 2

5: Have you ever had a friend just stop being your friend and you never knew why? Yeah

6: Do you get along with family? Yes

7: Do you have a family member you hate? A few lol

8: Does your family accept who you are? Yeah

9: Are you an only child or have siblings? Sister

10: Do you have parents that still live together? My dad died so

School:

1:What grade are you in? Not in school

2: Are you in Middle, High, or college? ( or neither)? College technically

3: Whats your favorite class? Art

4: Do you have a fav school year? Prob grade 12 was the best lol

5: Are you a good student? I was

6: Do you think homework is good or bad? I think it’s stupid. I think kids should only do homework if they don’t finish in class. But it’s not fair to them.

7: Have you ever had a teacher who was really funny but had poor teaching skills? Yeah

8: Is your GPA high or low? Middle

9: Do you like to particpate in conversations in the class room or are you the listener? I rather listen

10: Do you take part in extra school events? (eg. Plays, sports, leadership,clubs) nah

Health

1: Do you need to lose or gain weight? Lose

2: Have you ever had the swine flu? (H1n1) yeah lmaoo

3: Do you like to go to the doctors? No I get anxious

4: Have you ever puked in school or at work? Nope I don’t think so

5: Have you ever been extremely sick where you couldnt even leave your bed? Yeah a few times I think I had covid lol

6: Do you hate puking or does it make you feel better? I hate it but it always makes me feel better after

7: Have you ever coughed up blood? No

8: Should you be eating healthier ? Yeah

9: Do you lie to your doctor? No

10: Have you ever taken too much advils? Yup

Mental Health:

1: Do you have a mental illness? I have A few

2: Do you take anti-depressants yes

3: Are you mentally stable? No lmao

4: Have you ever been misdiagnosed? No

5: Do you think you have an disorder but havent been properly diagnosed yet? Maybe

6: Is self diagnosing good or bad? Bad but I get why ppl do it bc they don’t have access

7: Should we give more money to mental health research? Yes!!

8: Do you think everyone has a chance to over come their mental disorders? Some maybe like anxiety possibly but most are jsut cus your brain is fucked

9: Would you ever not date someone if they had a severe disorder? ( Schizophrenia,BPD, mood disorders) Nope. Only wouldn’t date someone who had a mental health condition if it affected me very negatively

10: Does mental illness run in your family? Yeah

SEX

1: Virgin? No

2: what age did you lose it? 19

3: Did you take sex ed? Yeah from 4-12 grade

4: Does size matter? Sometimes....

5: Whats your favorite poistions? I like doggy or cowgirl

6: Does virginity exist? I mean I guess

7: Do you think sex is overated? Ehh no i

8: Is making love and fucking different? Yeah one is romantic other can be just for pleasure and to cum

9: Is it important for both genders to understand eachothers bodies? Yes

10: If someone was a virgin and was raped, did they lose their virginity? I mean technically yeah but I also think no I think virginity should be a consent thing

Check the box:

1.My hair color is: [x] Brown [] Black [] Blonde []Red [] Funky colors [] Auburn [] more than one color

2.Eye color: []Blue []Grey [x]Brown []Light brown []dark brown []green []amber [] I have two different colors of eyes

3.I am a : []Male [x] Female []Trans Male [] Trans Female []Gender Fluid [] I dont have a gender []Non Binary [] other

4: I am: []Fit [x] Average []Skinny []Fat

5: I love my : []Hair [x]Eyes []Smile []Teeth []Skin []everything about myself []None of these

6: I hate my: [x]Hair []eyes []smile [x]teeth []skin [] everything about myself [] I dont hate anything about myself

7: My feet are: [x]Small []Wide []Narrow []long []large []Ugly [x]Pretty

8: I have a hard time: [x]Finding something to wear []Making Friends [] making food []staying focused

9: I am: []Employed [x]Not employed []retired []I can’t work []Self employed [x]Looking for a job

10: I love: [x]the moon [c]the sun [x]the stars [x]our galaxy [x]planets

Bold what is true:

I am Funny

I am a girl

I have no hair

I have curly hair

^ I hate it

I have straight hair

I have a dog

I have a cat

I have both

I love to get drunk

I don’t drink

I love to smoke weed but i hate smoking cigarettes

I love both

I rather have one best friend than 20 friends who i am not close with

My dad died

My mom died

My parents are both dead

My parents are alive

I like to touch my bruises

I have funny teeth

I love Mcdonalds fries

Sometimes when Im alone I sing as loud as I can

even if i cant sing

I believe in God

I believe in the butterfly affect

I hate video games

I wish I was taller

I can’t understand math

I am very good at writing an essay

I never had sex before

I love Mac N Cheese

I love Disney Movies

I prefer Dreamswork over Walt Disney

I am going to College

I finished college

I wish I went to college

I hate my job

I am the boss at my job

I have a feelings for a friend but i cant tell them because it would ruin our friendship

^ I have feelings and i told them

I wish soda was healthy

I sleep with the window opened

This survey was too long

[sadncssfossilized]

sexuality troubles.

i’m so fucking confused. being non-binary/trans makes everything so fucking hard. i don’t know where i fit... anywhere on the sexuality spectrum. i have no idea if all of my attraction to men is real or if i’m forcing it on myself bc im afab. i don’t know if i’m bi. ive always wanted to be attractive to men ever since i was small i think as a coping mechanism because of trauma. but i’m also extremely scared of older men, even if i do find celebrities attractive. but a lot of male celebrities i straight up DONT find attractive at all, they’re like cardboard to me. i don’t know if that’s because i think a lot of hollywood white men hearththrobs look extremely bland/the same bc white society or if there’s something genuinely off with my attraction to men meter. ive heard people say that not being able to process whether a man is attractive or not is a lesbian thing. but i don’t feel like a lesbian. i don’t feel female. i love women, i have always known that, but i don’t feel like a woman and i don’t want to be a woman. i want to look masculine. i want to be masculine. i don’t want to be a girl anymore. i don’t want to be a man, completely, i just want to be.... not a woman. not a man. a nothing.

is it a preference or am i only attracted to women?? i loved being bi. i love the flag i love the options, and i don’t really process people’s gender’s except on a social level. ive never been close with ANY boys across my life, or even more than acquaintances because of my shy and reserved nature and i’ve never connected with any on a personal level both because of fear, being flustered, and feeling like they’re cooler and more superior to be and genuinely a different species so to say, so i don’t know if that has to do with my fear of being sexually involved with them. i’m always afraid men want the worst from me, and i always get the feeling that they are judging me based on my attractiveness to them and discard me mentally as soon as i am not and i hate that so much. i think because i’ve never known a boy truly and deeply, i keep prejudices against them and don’t think that they are as compassionate or HUMAN as non-men. but at the same time, i’ve always felt called to get self worth from their attraction to me. literally since pre-elementary. even if i think a guy is ugly i still base my worth off of if he’s attracted to me?? it’s automatic, and fucked up. i’m scared to go further than flirt with a boy. i’m scared to mess up conversationally , i’m scared of entering a relationship with one especially because i’d be the “woman” in it, and i don’t want to be fucked like a man fucks a woman. i want a queer man so i can feel safe and normal around him. straight men are an enigma to me. they scare me so much with their lack of societal awareness and cruelty. i feel like they don’t GET IT you know? but if i ever was to date one, since i’m pre transition and in the closet i’d have to pretend to be a woman and pretend to be okay with that. the idea of a man taking me like i was a woman makes me want to hurl.... that’s not the relationship dynamic i want at all.

all of my emotions toward men are so fucking conflicting. ive dreamed of kissing men before, fantasized about being soft with them, holding their hand, cupping their face and kissing them gently, but if they’re an irl i never fantasize about what they would be like sexually, land the idea kind of off puts/repulses me in a way. thinking of my irl women crushes kind of makes me feel the same way, but i’m more open to the possibility of that? ive never had a relationship with a man and only probably had like 1 male friend across my entire life, so my fear could be because of trauma + fear of the unknown + bc of my prejudices bc of my lack of experience + dysphoria. meanwhile, i’ve had 1 girlfriend and all of my friends have been female my whole life. ive just NEVER been comfortable around boys/men. which i feel like is less indicative of lesbianism and more of like. trauma haha. i sexualized myself at such a young age to cater to the boys around me and even to the adult men around me, it hurts to think about. i hate how trauma complicates everything. i don’t know why i have that impulse, i don’t know why it started. ive just never felt safe around a boy. i feel like they always want something from me. ive been attracted to them but i’m soo scared o f them. like, i always have something to prove, whether it be my personality or humor or attractiveness, just to stay in their presence.

nsfw incoming.

ive tried to jack off to a lot of gay porn and i think my men attraction meter is broken because so many of the men in gay porn are ugly/unattractive to me. straight up. in their face, and body. and the body ideals in the gay community, where i would fit in post transition, don’t.... resonate with me. like not to be crude but a lot of the body types of the men in here are unattractive to me, but then again it’s white dominated and caters to a very specific vision of a huge bubble butt, way huge thighs, overly ripped chest, bland ass white boy faces paired with ugly haircuts. is this what i’m supposed to be attracted to? the men i’ve been attracted to irl do not look like that. the men in gay porn are all so passionless too. (which is honestly an issue i have that makes jacking off to women in porn sort of difficult too??) i don’t know. i don’t feel like i’m attracted to men the same way gay men are. but then again, how would i know that? i don’t know any actual gay men. i just know from some porn blogs? some pornhub videos? i don’t fucking know. i jack off to images/videos of men very few times compared to how much i get off to women bc of my particularity . it’s more difficult, but it’s easier by when i think about how the man feels, like his pleasure, his sounds, his expressions, rather than the aesthetics of it all. not to say i don’t appreciate the aesthetics of some nice men- chris evans, frank ocean, rob mcelhenney, taika waititi, nice. which sounds like a very non-lesbian thing to say i would think, but i know a ton of lesbians who talk about celebrity men super raunchily and stuff, so i don’t know anymore and i don’t think i know enough about lesbianism to know whether these are lesbian experiences or not. the majority of men content ive jacked off to has been gay fan fiction, and that has actually been easy to get off to bc of the descriptions and the i can visualize characters and passion the way i want. it’s harder to do it with actual videos/images of men, because it’s so different in my mind and imagination m, but that may be bc gay porn can involve a lot of roughness/impersonal-ness? also i feel like i still have a certain degree of internalized homophobia toward both wlw AND mlm despite working through my acceptance of my sexuality for a number of years.

i just want a person. but i don’t know if it’s beyond my control who i’m sexually attracted to. my sexual attraction to men is a lot lower than to women, and it’s a lot easier for me to make them bland in my head and not be able to point out a unique thing about them . i feel like girls are more... distinct/easily alluring to me than most men you know. that may also be affected by how women actually know how to dress and look unique and men don’t really shift from 1 bland societal style, i don’t know. i don’t know. i want to be attracted to men. as a transmasc, i want to be gay. i don’t want to be straight. ive been gay all my life, and i don’t want to leave that label. i want softness and love. but men scare me, and i don’t know if it’s because of a tragic coalescence of bad life experiences (or lack thereof) or because of genuine lesbianism. ive talked so much about being bi, and even been called a confused lesbian before by transphobes, and ever since they said it i cant stop questioning. i feel like at this point i HAVE to be a lesbian or something, bc that’s how this shit goes in movies and stories. i don’t want to be a lesbian. i want to be attracted to men, i wanna be bi and be equally attracted to both, i want experiences with both in my mind, but irl i get so fucking scared and i don’t want anything to do with it. i don’t wanna be a straight transmasc and i also don’t want to become what transphobes have spent their time telling me i am. i want to be what i’ve always thought i’ve been, bisexual and transmasc. i was comfortable with bisexual, until everybody else kept telling me to question and it’s been eating me alive since. fuck. i don’t know anything. is this a preference and bad combination of a huge number of deeper factors or am i straight up NATURALLY not attracted to men? have i been lying to mhself? have all my attractions in the past been fake? this is gonna sound terrible but i don’t want to be a lesbian. it doesn’t feel right. and id be proving the horrible people right, and have to retract everything i’ve ever said about being bi to my following on my other social media. and i’ve said a LOT. and i’d also have to give up my admiration of my irl men crushes and male celebrities and their sexiness. all of this shit is so ridiculous but at least i’m being honest with myself with this post. someone help me haha

[cro0kedme]

Okay I need to tell y'all this bc it fucking pisses me off that they did this.

Alright heres the story I was at a gas station and I was gunna use the bathroom and saw that sign on the women's bathroom door and tbh was kinda salty but whatever you know? They probably got stalls and some guy came in so they put the sign up no biggie but i walked in and what i saw was not a room with stalls it had just one toilet and one sink.

Are... Are u serious?? Ur telling me that u put up a mf sign that says "WOMEN ONLY PLEASE" when its not even a room with stalls but a single room with a single toilet and fucking sink????

Why do people fucking do this? I hope it wasent an employee/ manager/ owner and it was just a mf Karen being a little bitch so they just said "whatever" cuz they didnt wanna deal with them but even IF that was the case they shoulda just told them to go away or smthn. If they where being difficult they coulda said that they would call the police if they didn't leave (and they CAN do that)

But they still did it nonetheless. I ESPECIALLY hope it wasn't a trans girl or a guy who made an honest mistake. Bc like that would just make me even more angry.

And ya know even if it was a guy who did this on purpose; or hell even MULTIPLE GUYS doing this ON PURPOSE who fucking cares!? It doesn't have stalls to peek at people doin there business just a single room with a toilet and a sink with a lock.

And even if they didnt want those guys to do that (even tho it hurts literally NOBODY) and they told them as much, just fucking call the police on them. Cuz as much as the police suck at there fucking job they'll probably still come and escort them off. Especially cuz its a public place (even if it is just a gas station)

So I wanted to write on there stupid sign 'its a bathroom assholes nobody cares dipshit' but i didnt have a pen plus it IS a public place and i didnt want the little little kiddies to see so I just tore the sign off the door, looked straight at the camera said "I dont care" shoved the paper in my pocket and threw it away outside.

Im going back there tommorow because im not letting them fucking get away with this shit. If they fuckin ban me ill get someone else to go over there and talk some sense into them (assuming they r the ones who put the sign up and not a karen making them do it. Also even if it was a karen they shouldn't have listened to them and told them to suck it up or leave. And again if they didnt do that call the police on them for bein a lil shit. Bc y'all know if the employees didn't call the police on them karen woulda probably called the police on THEM)

But oh I hear u cry "u shouldn't get into fights with people who don't wanna change" and ta that i say, Idk if they dont wanna change, if they just fucked up or if it was a karen. Im going to ask them tommorow like i said and I'll get more info to get a clearer pic of why they put that stupid ass sign up on a bathroom that even non binary peeps could go to (but knowing stores theyd probs just say family bathroom but still)

Y am I going thro so much trouble for a stupid sign? Bc its fucking wrong! Thats why! I hope i don't need to explain why but even if its just in a gas station I dont stand for it! If ya are doin this shit in a bathroom that doesn't even have mf stalls then we got ourselves a problem.

U don't think starting fights with people over a sign is a good idea??? Oh my gosh! I don't give a shit about what ya think! Bc I KNOW that this shit is wrong and when smthn is wrong im GOING to make it fucking right bc im a stubborn person who cant take a hint.

So a simple PSA for y'all, don't do this shit or im coming for ya.

I'll keep ya posted on what happens tommorow or later in the day depending on what happens.

[aharris00britney]

ASKS 10

‘less weird hairs,’ pics of me, real life questions, seasons thoughts, kpop stuff, ‘are you a boy’ erhdfnv, tutorial questions, edits, ‘safe’ cc, and umm yeah never go camping in the actual woods ok

Anonymous said: Can you do Less weird hair? I Like how good Mesh You make but all styles look Really Weird I never Would use them. I just want Usual hair? Thanks you            

Firstly, thank you for the meshing compliment, but tbh I think I make pretty simple hair styles? Like I don’t do many crazy things especially recently? Idk, I hope you like some of my hairs and can find something that fits in your liking :/

Anonymous said: Hi I really love you content and I was wondering if you’d ever do a “goddess locs” hairstyle?            

Ok I am gonna be super straight forward about this, making hairstyles like this is really challenging for me. I have tried a ton of times and I just can’t get the meshes to work out the way I like. UV mapping is a pain in the ass, making the hairline match well, and making sure none of the mesh strands are broken is next to impossible for me. Most creators that make hairstyles like this do them from scratch or spend a long time working on them for them to look right. I’m not saying ‘no’ because I am going to try to play around with some seasons meshes (I have hair ideas) but no promises :(

Anonymous said: BLACKPINK COMEBACK

i know omg jennie snapped, I wasn’t planning on buying the physical album but I ended up caving in and getting the pink versions ;-; I hope I get Jennie or Lisa photocards

Anonymous said: i know your theme is by gukthemes, but what is it called?            

PAPILLON by GUKTHEMES

Anonymous said: Are you ever gonna do a face reveal?

I have posted a pic of myself before in one of these ask posts, here are three more from the past few months :P

Anonymous said: Fav kpop group(s)???            

1). LOONA (bias Kim Lip) 2). BLACKPINK (bias Jennie) 3). RED VELVET (bias Joy) 4). CLC (bias Yeeun) 5). DREAMCATCHER (idk their names but the rapper)

Anonymous said: You play pokemon go still?

Yes! I collected cards/figures growing up and watched the show before school every morning. I’m not a ‘game’ fan but the mobile app is fun. Actually I played the Wii U Pokemon tournament game but it was boring so :/

Anonymous said: are you going to buy seasons? do you think it is worth it?

I got it from CDkeys for $25 lmao, so yes :P I can’t run the live mode so I kind of am just getting it for the new CAS assets :/ but I think the pack looks really good. Everyone always says ‘it looks like the best EP so far’ every time something new comes out so I’m not gonna say that but we will see :D

Anonymous said: whats ur skin blend called?            

Fruitpunch! You can get it here

Anonymous said: when are you going to be done camping?

I am back home now lmao I assume you sent this when I posted about not having service there :P but I was camping for 3 days? I know it was 2 nights at least refdbv also omg some camping stories:

► I didn’t have my voice for the entire trip bc I got sick with laryngitis, and now koby (the guy i shared a tent with) has it too erfdbvc

► It was blazing hot like omg I was dying, there werent showers, bathrooms, anything with AC. The tents were boiling hot, the ground fucking hurt, and it was just hell ok this isnt even a story I just need to complain.

► There was a racoon family outside the tents the first night, and we thought it was a bear bc we were literally in the middle of the woods, like it wasn’t a campsite with other people, it was the forest ;-; anyways we were legit so freaked out and up for 2 hours just listening to them walk around the tents and god it was so scary rfbdv

► As I said, I had no service so I missed the larvitar community day in pokemon go -_-

► I suck at cornhole so I was the cheer leader for a team UwU

► A deer jumped out right in front of the fucking car like RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT omg we were so close to hitting it like... it was fucking scary

► We went walking on a trail that was down a mountain and once we got down we discovered that the chairlift up was CLOSED so we had to walk back up and it was a nightmare bc we had all just drove like 30 minutes to shower in crappy no pressure no heat showers and we were all sweaty again by the time we got back to the top ;-;

dont go camping

Anonymous said: Your last edit creeps me out.

LMAO why? It isnt meant to be sexual or scary?  

@achinghearts88 said: I really love Sims 4 cc but I constantly struggle with finding safe sites and have accidentally downloaded a virus trying to get cc before so I'm kinda frightened now. What advice do you have for getting safe cc? Thanks!

Hello! I use an adfly skipper + adblock, and if both of those don’t work then I just don’t download the cc. For some creators (nolan-sims, simduction, isjao, ivo-sims, and others) I will turn them off because I know these creators aren’t ones that use the sketchy adfly stuff, but for others that I don’t know well I leave it on. I use: U Block origin and adfly skipper (both on firefox)

Anonymous said: I couldn't find a "contact me" thing but your AHarris00Britney has a broken mesh I think.            

??? idk what this means im sorry ;-; what hair are you referring to?

Anonymous said: an amazing creator and a loona fan???? i stan            

My mind... your mind... our mind..

@chocooosims said: hey, I love your cc, you are such a good creator! :) I'm not sure if someone already ask you that, but have you ever considered making a tutorial where you show us how you create maxis match hair? I mean, I know that I can already find on Internet  tutorials about frankenmeshing hair. But the thing is that you are one of the only creator who do more than simply merge 2 EA's hair together. So, I would really love to see a tutorial of how you are creating your cc! :) Thx for your time!! 

I am making a BIG tutorial right now of me making a hair from start-finish and it is around 3 hours not speed up. My guardian angel is going to edit it for me tonight and then I will try to have it posted next week sometime

Anonymous said: what university are you going to?

Radford :D it is in Virginia

Anonymous said: Just wanted to let you know you're a king           

thank you lmao I wish it were true, stan loona or be beheaded

Anonymous said: r u a guy or girl or non binary etc. also are you lgbtq+ at all? not to judge, just wondering :)

uuh, I’m a gay guy lmao idk about all the other terms like cis/bianary ;-; i like the anatomy exclusive to the male body

edit: rip so someone messaged me asking what I meant by “anatomy exclusive to the male body” and I was like ?? bc I meant i like d**k, and i explained that i didn't like using cuss words on my blog bc my account got shut down/deleted/reported last year and was completely gone for two days while I emailed my butt off to get it back. Also, I was trying to be funny by sounding proper and using big terms like anatomy/exclusive instead of just saying “i like penis” bc that just isnt as fun to say imo. My anatomy teacher never used words like v*gina/p*nis and would say stuff like that, and I always found it funny and I guess that was another reason I worded it that way. Anyways if you think I was being transphobic, I apologize. I hope you don’t think that I am transphobic bc of that? If you want to message me and talk to me about how I can word stuff better then I am around 24/7 mostly, but I’m not going to fight with anyone who is just looking to argue because that is childish. I am sorry to those that got offended but I got one message about this so if something like this happens, message me like this person and ask what I meant so that it isn’t blown out of proportion. Again, I did not think that it would be taken that way and I am sorry if you felt that I was making fun of a trans person. <3

Anonymous said: What do you see in the corner of your room when you get sleep paralysis  (;            

James Charles with breasts on the beach and im not sharing this photo anymore it is demonic OK

Anonymous said: hi! i installed your non-default eye recolors but i'm having a glitch with them. my female sims lose their face in cas and it's just like an empty spot where the face should be. i have the default eyes installed too so i know it's not an issue with a missing mesh but i'm not sure how to fix it.            

Hello!! I don’t think this is my eyes because I’m not experiencing this glitch? Did you run a S4S batch fix over everything? I think that causes this glitch sometimes but I am unsure. Try repairing your game and if you have the “no EA eyelash” mod then redownload that and replace the old file.

@sephirajo said: I found your sims 4 mods and I love the hairs! They're so amazing and pretty.            

thank you so much!

Anonymous said: In your collab with wildpixel, I F**KING love the Ivy hair; do you have any recolours of it or any of the other hairs in the collab?

all the hairs in that pack are recolored in the anathema and sacharinne palette :) and I reblog all recolors of my cc over on @aharris00britneyrecolors

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

[mulcibere]

whats good, @worldfathered​ / @telekidd​ / @blvescreen​ / @sbyirw​ ?  you ugly piece of shit.

you don’t know me, but i sure as hell know you. i’m making this post because you’ve repeatedly been transphobic and either react w/aggression or flat out ignore us when we come to you. not to mention your whole fiasco w the eatin disorders thing that’ll be covered under the cut. :)

first of all, you got a trans verse. what the fuck is up with that?

+ proof that your trans tag exists:

you know, surprisingly enough, my life as a trans man isnt glamorous or much different from a cis person’s. i live, i laugh, i act like a mess sometimes, i feel emotions, i try new things. only difference? i don’t agree w/what i was assigned w/ at birth and im struggling w it. do you know how difficult it is for the trans community when ppl like you do shit like this? do you know how many fucking times ive had ppl come to me TELLING ME im followin a damn trend bc of bull shit like this? make your character trans or dont. don’t make a whole verse for it. it’s not that hard to do. and why are you changing your whole fc? do you really need a whole new fuckin faceclaim for a trans character? lol trans verses are transphobic. the fact that you felt the need to make a whole separate verse for your muse to be trans makes my head fuckin hurt. here’s a post that nicely sums up WHY these sorts of verses are transphobic.

and if this was all you got from people contacting you about this issue, you really havent been listenin to us and tryna cooperate and work things out as calmly as we have been. but hey, we’re just bein big and evil, huh? my bad.

btw, if you’re genderfluid, you’re trans! you makin a separate verse for your muse to be trans even though your muse is CANONICALLY GENDERFUILD is transphobic, regardless of if you’re trans or not. you’re saying non binary people aren’t trans and are excluding them. and i got sent in a screencap of someone discussing this and it words exactly what im trying to say perfectly:

in case you delete anythin, we got this handy dandy link: https://web.archive.org/web/20180304230604/http://bittenkid.co.vu/post/165345023694/you-have-a-trans-verse

and someone DID come to you today, and i’ll give you points, you were civil about it.

but honestly, you even respondin, much less in a civil way is surprising as fuck to me, seeing as when people approach you and you give no response:

but

when you do respond when people approach you, react like this. real mature, huh? “special snow flake triggered ass” are you fuckin serious? is this how you react to people approaching you in a calm manner? speaking out over those you upset and callin them “special snowflakes?” if you honestly respond to conflict and concern like this, i really do pray for you and how you fair in real life situations.

and again.

calling trans people and others special snowflakes. for being upset with you and trying to speak with you about it.

and again. with the aggression. you surely see a reoccurring theme here, don’t you? i sure do.

and this as well. “hating this website” for people coming to you and tryna tell you what you did was wrong is just so mean, right?

and again with “triggered”, aka, people trying to discuss things with you and you actin completely unreasonable and painting us as the bad guys for bein genuinely hurt and trying to seek reconciliation. even with a video attached!

http://bittenkid.co.vu/post/165349873779/welcome-to-tumblr-dot-com-where-you-cant-have-nice

if you delete that post, i got it uploaded real nice here as well! https://www.dropbox.com/s/pd47gs3l1s4s7ct/video.mov?dl=0

we had someone message you politely askin for an apology for usin these terms and reactin how you have and you know what you did? blocked em.

so tell me, why is it that when we come to you politely, wantin to talk things out like adults in IMs, you always respond w/ calling us special snowflakes, triggered jokes (making fun of and slandering people w/ trauma, may i add! as someone with diagnosed trauma, im not down with the triggered jokes), postin about us, blocking us, and being aggressive? doesn’t seem very reasonable, does it? and yet we’re the ones bein unreasonable for being genuinely upset? bummer.

and another thing is that you’ve been pretty fishy with eating disorders and mental health as well. wanna explain that?

n then youve obviously been postin concernin enough stuff to get someone to contact you abt it, and you react like this?

you continually reply with aggression.

 listen sans, im a forgivin dude. i believe in redemption. i believe people can be a better person if they wanna be. so all im literally askin is for you to listen to us. cooperate with us. stop calling us names and acting aggressive when we try approaching you about this. don’t continually try and shut us down we we try and try and try to talk with you about this.

for the record, we arent harassing you. we’ve been coming to you as calmly and as civil as we possibly can. but you responding with aggression and calling us special snowflakes or not even respondin at all is why we’re done puttin up w/you. we’re done bein treated as doormats n bein walked over like one by you lol. you wanna know why we havent contact you when it happens? because you respond like this. just open your heart and listen to what people gotta say, man.

i really am praying for you and i hope that one day you change your heart enough to open up.

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride