#it honestly feels like it's been FOREVER since i've updated

[foreverisntenough]

‘OURS’

Summary: You were his and he was yours but what would it be like adding one more? Thrust into a whirlwind romance you never could’ve imagined that became your forever love. You continue building a new life across the pond with a very beautiful Scouser. A sequel to the ‘You’re Mine’ fic.

INDEX

Warnings: This series will contain fluff, suggestion, SMUT (unprotected sex,) pregnancy, parenting, mental health struggles, eating disorder, self doubt, body image issues, daddy kink, angst, alcohol consumption - not sure what else really… if i miss anything please lmk!

Note: Thank you for reading! Please be sure to like, comment, or message me what you think of the series! Try not to nitpick with any real pregnant/ baby logistics it’s better if you just read along happily :)

Warning! This chapter focus on mental health struggles and body image issues (depression and ed) It’s a little dark so if that is at all potentially triggering to you please be advised and do not interact.

Chapter 20 - Miss Mama | ‘Ours’

“She’s okay? God, please tell me she’s okay.” Trent asked in a voice that was heart wrenching. Lauren felt her heart shatter listening to him sound so meek and broken.

“Erm… physically so so, emotionally, T, I’ll be honest it’s not good. I know she fucked up but this isn’t good for you two to be apart. I’m worried.” Lauren croaked out. “I’m here with her now but….” She tried to begin to provide some sort of update but Trent cut her off.

“I need her to be okay, Lauren. I can’t have her like this. I need her. She… She’s my whole world. I am nothing without her. I’m so worried. I was the one that caused all of this. I need her to be okay.” He started to cry. Lauren could hear the gasps for air and sniffles through the phone. “I.. God, I l..love her so much.” Trent began to stutter interspersed between his tears. Lauren hadn’t really ever heard him cry but she understood wholeheartedly how upset he must’ve felt because she was feeling pretty much the same way.

“I know…  I know you do, T. I think she needs to come home. She needs you. Seriously, I know you guys have a lot to unpack after what’s happened but being away from you, from Teddy… it’s killing her. She’s… she’s not well.” Lauren didn’t know how to describe or even articulate your current state. You were gaunt, your face didn’t have the glow it did when you were with him or your baby. Lauren had seen this version of you before though unfortunately. She hadn’t seen it in years but she’d never forget it. Since Trent entered your life there had been an incandescence about you. Sure, you had dips, everyone does but he was there now to hold you through it all. She recalled an ability you had that she hated to morph your body to completely display your emotional state. Your mental condition contorting into a physical one. “T…” Lauren whimpered, starting to cry. “This isn’t the first time this has happened, I know she’s told you. You’ve been so good for her, you’ve changed her whole outlook on life, you treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I’m just worried because this isn’t the first time I’ve had to do this.” Lauren took a deep breath. 

“I am made for her. I know that. That is my purpose. I am supposed to take care of her and cherish her and I was mad, I was upset but I don’t want this. I never wanted to be the one to kick off something like this. God, I’m going fucking mad, here. Why did I let her leave like that ... .Wait, wait, hold on, do what, Laur?” Trent paused his momentary rant to get Lauren to clarify. 

“Winnie told me about the first time. I hadn’t met Y/N yet. She just was so sick. She wasn’t taking care of herself. I know you already know about these things, I don’t have to relay it all to you again. Honestly, I can barely talk about it. I don't want to have to do this anymore” Lauren’s body shuddered remembering other time’s that she’s been in this very situation. “I’ve watched her destroy herself. She lets herself wither away. I've seen it again and again and I thought we were done. I thought that you’d be the person that finally brought her some peace and seeing her like this again… it’s breaking me. When I came into the apartment… god” Lauren continued to cry, her heart hurting thinking about her best friend struggling to see what everyone around her saw. You were beautiful, inside and out and not in a cliche way, in a way that was indisputable and breathtakingly refreshing. Trent’s stomach dropped. He actually thought he might’ve blacked out while Lauren continued talking.  “She’s okay, she’s safe and asleep but she just really doesn’t want to lose you, she couldn’t handle it.” You didn’t always have the strength to push past the type of destruction you’d inflict on yourself over the years but there was something that Trent was able to do that gave you hope, gave you moments of truly feeling love and value. Lauren believed in you. You could be strong but losing Trent was not something she wanted you to have to ever endure. That was your person. The one that was created and cut, defined and detailed just for you.

“Get her back to me, Lauren. I need her. I am not losing her. You will not lose her. This is stopping now. Whatever you need, just get her back home to me. I’m going to take care of her, I promise.” Trent said sternly. This was over. Being apart was over. Honestly, Trent wanted to just fly to New York right now but he couldn’t because he had a match. He wanted to say fuck football. Trust, he never said that and meant it but he did right now. He knew you’d be mad if he did it and he knew it would cause a stir so he bestowed all his trust in Lauren to get you to him.

As you laid in your bed, Trent was unavoidable in your dreams. He was everywhere. You cried in your sleep. Missing him. You couldn’t get up when your eyes began to flutter open, god knows how much longer later. Enough for Lauren to have your next 24 hours already planned out for you at the least. Your body was paralyzed by the crushing weight feeling as if you ruined your impending marriage and family over a stupid night out you took too far. The tears kept falling. In retrospect, you’re not sure they had stopped for the past few days. You were amazed you had any left in your tear ducts. You thought about how beautiful Trent was and how, in a nearly impossible way, what you created together, Teddy, your baby, was even more beautiful. You could hear their laughs echoing in your head in the most cynical mockery of what you were missing. You missed them so much.

You were filled with a mix of fear, regret, anxiety, heartache, and anticipation when Lauren got you back to your house. You felt your body go cold as you approached your once incredibly warm front door. Lauren stayed outside calling Jude for her own moral support that she needed. You were in a haze but this was really difficult on her as well. You punched in the front door’s code and heard the lock turn and shift. You grabbed the handle and pushed. The smell of your house hit you like a freight train. You could’ve physically fallen over with the amount of memories that flooded your mind at the scent. You covered your face with your hands for a moment and took a deep breath trying to compose yourself. You dropped your bag and your Rimowa at the door just the way you hated Trent did.  The alarm beep rang through the house alerting that a door had opened. The sound was like catnip. You heard the pitter patter of bare feet running clumsily on the hardwood floors. Around the corner swung the most perfect little girl. Her hair laid flat pulled into a bun with a few ringlet curls escaping. She had a light pink shirt on dragging a bear on the ground behind her with one arm holding its paw in her hand. You started to cry immediately.

“Mama!” Teddy cried. Tears coursing down her cheeks. Her initial excitement of who was at the front door halted by the surprise of how much she missed you. This was so unfair to her. You sat on the floor and pulled her into your embrace engulfing her. You sobbing along with her.

“My baby. I missed you so much. I love you so much.  I’m so sorry mummy was away. I’m so sorry, baby.” You pressed your lips to her hair and shut your eyes tight. She didn't really understand why you'd been away but boy was she happy to see you. You never wanted to let go of this little girl. Teddy continued to weep but she slowed eventually. Your hold of her only seeming to get tighter though as she fell into shorter breaths and sounds of hiccups 

“Miss my mama.” She cooed talking into your shirt. You squeezed her that much tighter. Your hand running over her head before you loosened your hold to be able to look at her. You pressed her nose against hers. “Mama no sad.” She whimpered, being able to see how visibly upset you were. It hadn’t actually been more than 72 hours that all this unfolded but you felt like she managed to grow up somehow. She was so emotionally attuned and intelligent. She nuzzled her face into the nape of your neck comforted by your smell and you by hers. 

“Oh baby, I know, I know you missed mama. I missed you so much. I’m not sad, I’m just so happy to see my little Teddy bear, yeah? Were you good for daddy?” The question just fell out like a habit. You shut your eyes barely able to process saying his name to her. It was then you heard ‘daddy’s’ footsteps coming to stand close but what still felt far away watching you in the foyer. He could tell immediately you’d lost weight in the span of days. The curve of your shoulder looked different, your cheekbones just a little more defined. 

“Dada! Mama home!” Teddy pulled away from you and turned around to Trent to tell him the exciting news. He nodded with a smile at her, not looking at you. You weren’t sure if this would be all that exciting of news to him. Nevertheless, you got yourself up on shaky legs. He came over to you in what felt like slow motion. You told yourself you wouldn’t cry. He hated when you cried and you didn’t want to upset him more but you thought you might seeing his gorgeous face again. You had no idea where the two of you stood. He said he was done but you were back home by Lauren's guidance for the sake of your daughter.  She didn’t want to do any of the talking for Trent, she was simply acting as a delivery woman. Trent extended one arm out to you. His big hand grabbing the back of your neck harshly, almost aggressively pulling your sylphlike body into his strong one. He brought his other arm around you slipping low across the small of your back the way he usually did. It was a bone crushing embrace. You felt his chest tremble and then he sniffed in harshly as he began to cry. You made him cry. You shut your eyes, extending the persistence of the horrible feelings you’d had for days. 

“I love you.” You whispered, tucking your face against his neck. Your nose flattened against his soft skin. Teddy stood quietly holding onto your leg not ready to let go. Lauren snuck into the house quietly and grabbed her. “I’m sorry.” you whimpered barely audible. You took a deep breath reveling in the feeling of his warm hold, relief and fear concomitantly falling over you.

“Don’t fucking ever leave us again. Your home, your place in this world is right here in my arms with our little girl. We cannot survive without you here. Do you understand me?” Trent cooed with a stern but shaky voice keeping you tight to his chest. You nodded as your pervasive tears returned. More and more falling the longer he held you. “We love you. God, fuck… I am so in love with you Y/N. Please don’t ever leave me. No matter how much I push, no matter what’s happening, you cannot leave.” He pleaded begging you more than he was instructing you.  

“I don’t want to leave, I don’t want you to not want me anymore. I want to come home, T. You’re the love of my life. You’re the only way I’m able to breathe.” You placed your hand over your heaving chest because your heart began to hurt so badly. 

“You can’t go anywhere else. Not letting you.” He said with a desperate release of air. Your other hand’s nails dug into his cotton t-shirt covering his back. You let him cry, loosening your claw and rubbing circles with your hand on his lower back whilst the other moved off your chest to gently scratch his scalp until he was able to calm down.

“You never cry…” You made the observation giving him a sad smile in between gasping breaths. You wiped the tears under his eyes gently. Guilt and empathy running down your face. 

“You’re worth crying for, baby.” he cupped your cheek. The heartfelt way he said baby to you returning, stilling your racing mind. He looked into your eyes and you felt everything around you disappear. Every worry, every physical thing around you vanishing, only him left. He kissed you and it was like someone restarted your whole nervous system. The cogs in your brain began turning again, the blood in your body began to pump again, your heart began beating again, the color began to rush back into your cheeks. “You owe me a few days of kisses, yeah? Teddy too. She’s desperate, apparently I’m not the same as mama.” He cooed, pulling away momentarily letting you know the work that laid ahead of you before returning his lips to their rightful place on yours.

“Oh no…” you couldn’t help but giggle picturing the conversations they must’ve had. Your lips curling into a toothy smile inadvertently pulling them off his. Listening to the two of them together was precious, you could only imagine what they were saying when they were alone. It made your heart swell seeing those two identical faces together.  “What’d she say?” you asked curious to hear about the exchange. 

“Nah, she had me running, you know? I felt like she knew the game she was playing as well. Dada want this, dada up, dada quiet. Just command after command and then in swept the critiques.” You smiled seeing his eyes light up recalling their days and Teddy’s hold over him.

“No mama does!” She rattled off squirming away as he attempted to do her hair after he placed her on his lap in front of him in a mirror in her room.

“I know she’s the best at it but can you let daddy do it today?” He asked her politely. He pulled her curls back into the best bun he could manage. Brushing it slicked back. She furrowed her brow at the finished product. He looked at her trying to make out why she wasn’t happy. He thought he did a good job.

“Bow! Dada bow, please.” She looked at him back through the mirror like he was dumb pressing her palm onto his thigh. Obviously, he forgot a bow. How did he not know that? He placed it and sighed. He kissed her cheek and plopped her on her own two feet.

“Are we hungry this morning? I am. I’m thinking we have the toastie you like.” Trent cooed looking at her as they walked down the hall inspecting his handiwork on her hair trying to find a flaw that warranted her disgruntled response. Teddy replied with a simple ‘yuck’ keeping her gaze fixed ahead focused on her tiny steps. “What why? What do you want then?” He asked inquisitively with a bit of a smile. It was hard not to laugh at her developing personality. He held her hand but let her navigate the grand staircase in your house roughly by herself. 

“Mama.” She responded to him confidently and calmly knowing not what she wanted to eat but very certain she’d prefer you to be there to make it for her.

“Yeah, well same…” Trent exhaled, inspecting the empty refrigerator he knew you usually filled with all the things you knew he and Teddy liked. It was the little things you did that had disappeared in front of his eyes now missing them tremendously in a day's time.

“I mean… it wasn’t good, baby.” His smile faded as he recalled the last couple days that were filled with some cute moments but more so difficult ones.

“Baby?” You asked, interested if that’s where you stood now. Were you on good terms? One of the last times he said it it really stung.

“Yeah, my baby. Forever but we really need to talk.” He spoke to you softly before taking your hand and guiding you into the cinema. It made you nervous hearing the door shut behind you. The noise reminding you the room had sound proof walls. God, you hoped this wasn’t going to be another loud fight like the one that transpired in your kitchen where you’d need those walls.

“I know we’re talking and it’s serious but…” You took a deep breath and tried to fight back tears. You sat on opposite sides of the couch in the room awkwardly as if you had just met. You looked at him with a pout and puppy dog eyes.  “I’m scared and I really need you. Can you just hold me please?” You whimpered out, quite pathetic. 

“C’mere, pretty girl. This is where you’re supposed to be, yeah?” He smiled softly, loving hearing that you needed him, that he was a comfort to you. You relaxed in his arms, relieved that was the vibe and not you two raising your voices. You laid your head on his shoulder. Trent hugged you tightly and you couldn’t hold back the tears that began to run down your face. You bawled his shirt in your fists.

“T… Who was that in the photos?” You sheepishly asked, unable to keep it inside anymore. You wanted to get what felt like the hard bit out of the way. You were lying to yourself and using him as a scapegoat. This wasn’t the hard part by a long shot. No matter his answer, there was a massive elephant in the room and it was you but you couldn’t shake the photos online of him and that woman. The thought of someone else, another girl spending time alone with him. Her somehow becoming his best friend. Him choosing her over you. 

“Baby…” He drew out the pet name, saddened you’d seen the photos and imagined something completely incorrect. 

“If you did, I’d understand.” You cut him off before he even answered you, excusing an action he didn’t do. He dropped his head back against the couch frustrated this was still where you were at, that things didn’t magically change when you walked back into the house. You believed he could treat you like that and it would be an okay thing, something you might’ve deserved.

“Stop. I didn’t do anything. It was George’s cousin. Baby… we gotta work through this. You need to understand I’m committed to you. This is why I met with her. You need…” He trailed off feeling awkward and terrible for what he was about to say. “ You need help.” He muttered out. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for it all, T, the final, New York.  I never wanted to hurt you.” You apologized earnestly.

“You didn’t hurt me, I mean you did but I’m more concerned about you hurting yourself. I was scared. I know Lauren told Jude not to but baby, we’re all really worried. They both told me about what happened in the apartment in New York…” He sighed hating that you were even having to have this conversation. You exhaled his name, defeated feeling the same. “Nah, I don’t want a defense or excuse. I can’t lose you.” He tried to deter you from the innate need to defend yourself. 

“Before Wembley… I don’t know. I got too drunk and I was alone and I got sad. It was a one off.” You had no ground to stand on, any reasoning would’ve been illogical but you felt the words jumbled rolling off your tongue. 

“It’s not. When Lauren visited, you got so sad, baby. It’s just not, you’ve said it’s happened before. Your dad told me, Winnie’s told me, Lauren’s told me. It might not be happening in front of me but it’s happening. Baby, I get that it…” He tried to keep talking to you but you gave him a face you gave to a lot of people. A facade of interest. A mask being pulled in front of your face, the elastic band snapping behind your head securing it. “Don’t…” he reprimanded you knowing it all too well. “Fine, I can’t understand but I imagine it’s hard to talk about. I’m scared. I’ll be the one to say it, alright? I’m fucking scared, Y/N.” He sheepishly admitted to you. Feeling like he failed by doing so. “We need to go to a doctor. I don’t mean this derogatorily I just think someone could help. I'm out of my depth here. I don’t want anything to happen to you. To my Y/N. To my baby’s mum.” He defeatedly let out. You could feel his heart racing pressed against you. You had so much to say but nothing would come out. You cuddled into him, laying your head on his chest. “I love you so much.” He whispered, breathing you in. Transitioning from sheer desperation to admiration for your body in his hands right now. Jesus Christ, what had happened? In a weird way he began to wonder if he felt like he had used you. “Am I making things worse?” He questioned you terrified of your potentially heartbreaking answer. You shook your head ‘no.’ Why didn’t this stuff go on in front of him? The inability to keep up with a golden boy wasn’t the problem but it was hard to not feel downtrodden. Trent was empathetic, he could hear it in the way you cried in the kitchen before you left.

'You expect me to be this perfect version 24/7 but I’m not. I’m not!” You kept crying. “I’m sorry. Fuck! I’m sorry, I’m trying but I can’t be like you, okay?” You whimpered, feeling defeated and broken.'

You didn’t really blame Trent for being good at well… life. Instead, you felt a crushing amount of guilt and shame for not simply being enough. The inability to measure up not to him but for him. You felt so tender in his arms like if he moved suddenly or too rough you’d break or bruise. He thought about the way he had sex with you, the way he uprooted you to England, the way he got you pregnant. He felt horrible that he inflicted so much on you physically. He just wanted to take care of you but alternatively, you’d never felt less used. The exact scenarios he was recalling flashed through your mind in the most blissfully painful way. You shut your eyes again. You wouldn’t change a thing, a lie, maybe a few things on your end but overall, no. His hands on you felt alleviating and comforting all the time. Even if he was fucking you roughly, even if you were jet lagged flying places to see him, even the grueling process of labor was fine all because he was there. 

“Thank you for caring.” You muttered out embarrassingly honestly, finally finding some words that you felt wholeheartedly would be good to start with. Trent’s heart, if it hadn’t already when he saw you come back into your house, it surely did just completely shatter. He kissed your hair and then over your ear before whispering to you. 

“I will always care about you. More than you could ever understand. I will do anything for you…” he paused and let out a breathy sigh. “Anything.” The warmth of his breath, the drag of his lips moving down your skin sent a shiver running up your spine. 

“T, we shouldn't, it's too soon.” You moaned feeling his lips cascade down the length of your jaw. The mood in the room shifting in slow motion. He didn’t mean to, it just was instinctual. His big hands moving the fabric of your top further and further up, finding more and more of your bare skin. You pushed yourself back into him, rolling your head to the side. Telling him one thing out loud and asking for something completely different silently. 

“It’s fine. We’re fine, baby. We’re gonna be fine.”  He rattled off, not able to think very clearly lost in a very thick haze feeling your body again.

“We can’t do this, T. I have more to say.” You whined, not meaning half the words you said. You definitely wanted to do this but you also did have more to say. He had no control at this point and you hated that it turned you on so much. His desire for you would always trump any sense of reasoning you had. You couldn’t stop him because the sensations running through you were invincible. The physical attraction and the sexual desire between you would always pull you back together. 

“No, no, this is going to be really good. I fucking need you. I missed you so much..” You turned towards him with a desperate look on your face. Your eyes filled with lust. Trent could get hard off the look on your face alone but feeling you again, touching you again was setting him off. He pulled you into a messy make out gripping your face before pushing you backwards onto more of the couch crawling over you. “We need this. You need this.” He whispered, breathing you in and moving his kisses to your neck. You kept him close to you pulling him to you by his face. His hands dropped to your waist. He was right, you needed this, you needed him. His soft warm hands pushed your shirt up to feel more of you. 

“I love you, baby.” You murmured your lips unable to not pull into a smile. He sighed into the crook of your neck hearing you say that. You brought your legs to wrap around him digging your heels into his back. You couldn’t think about anything else but him for the last few days and right now was no different. 

“I love you so much.” He cooed and his voice never sounded more caring and honest. He spoke into your warm skin, kissing them into the most sensitive part of your neck. The whole thing feels more intimate than ever. Love filling the room to the brim. He reached between you and looped the two layers of his boxer and trousers pulling both off. He revealed his tone v line and you let out an embarrassing moan, you taking your own clothes off swiftly. He pulled away from you and looked at your bare body. You felt so naked and vulnerable, he could sense your nerves. He tilted your face towards his holding your cheek. “What are you being shy about? It’s just me, yeah?” He waited for you. You nodded pulling him back into a kiss. You sighed in the kiss dragging your nails up his chest. He repositioned his body over yours and dragged the tip of his leaking cock through your folds. 

“T… please, I need you.” You whined. He smiled happy you were back to your normal comfortable self with him. He slowly eased into your dripping wet pussy. You moaned as Trent treaded carefully moving slowly inside. His face fell into your neck groaning at the feeling of you wrapping around him. He moved slowly but precisely. Your nails dug into his back as he kissed your skin. Each stroke loving and thoughtful. He picked up his pace though lost in the feeling. 

“You feel so good, baby.” He grunted pushing your thigh up further to your side, hitting deeper inside you. The grip of his fingers on you dug into your soft thigh. He found the spot inside you only knew, only for him, only for you, repeatedly 

“Baby, oh my god, T. I missed you. I’m so sorry. I love you.” You were unable to stop your babbles. Tears began to fill your waterline.

“Don’t be. I love you. You’re here with me. Be here with me. Fuck, you feel so good. Let me take care of you” He inhaled a sharp breath. His dimples s sank into cheeks as he gave a sincerely sad and sympathetic smile. “Tell me your mine, baby.” He murmured continuing to thrust into in a way that was so euphoric your tears began to fall. His voice was breathy against your ear feeling the same amount of emotion you were feeling. The weight of his body on top of yours feeling like nothing compared to the weight lifting off you two. Your orgasm approached faster and faster, minute after minute. He bit onto your earlobe and tugged, grabbing your attention. 

“I’m yours, Trent. I’m always gonna be yours.” You whimpered. His mahogany eyes poured back into yours. He felt his heart skip a beat when you pulled him back down into a kiss. He fucked you harder with a harsh grunt juxtaposed by the sweetest kiss to the bridge of your nose. Your hand dragged down from behind his neck down the protruding veins of his arms until you reached the rigid texture of the Patek Phillipe watch he had wrapped on his wrist. The knot in your stomach tightened. It only took a few more mind numbing thrusts before Trent’s head dropped into your neck. Your climax erupting inside of you, your vision going white. His cock throbbed inside of you, beginning to paint your walls. You moaned ‘I love yous’ simultaneously. You felt him pouring into you. Waves upon waves of pleasure coursing through both of you. You hid your face against him. He slowed and you felt your bottom lip quiver against his skin. An uncontrollable sob escaped you. Your emotions bubbled over once more. Trent pulled out as gently as he could. He rolled off of you but was swift pulling you back into him. You clung to him crying. 

“I’m right here.” He whispered, pulling you that much closer to him and yet it wasn’t close enough. You wanted to be completely surrounded by him. “Can you look at me, baby?”  He sounded so worried. You shook your head ‘no.’  “Y/N…” He grabbed your face gently and turned you towards him. “I need to know you’re okay.” He asked softly. More tears escaped.

“I’m okay… just love you so much, T.” You pouted up at him and you felt his tense hold relax. “I love you.” He pressed a wet kiss to your cheek the way you always pretended to hate but secretly loved. You wiped his wet spit off of you and giggled. Trent felt relief wash over him when he heard his favorite sound in the world. 

“Oh wow… so mummy and daddy are… fine.” Lauren laughed carrying Teddy past the cinema minutes okay from upstairs into the kitchen. She was currently FaceTiming Jude biding her time while watching Teddy for you and Trent to ‘talk.’ “I think they’re fine. I mean they’re fucking so it’s either a really good thing or a really bad thing.” She laughed. Hoping for the first option. “Should we make you some lunchtime, hmm?” She cooed to the little girl in her arms while Teddy eagerly nodded trying to grab hold of her phone curious about Jude on the other end. 

“You’re good with kids, Laur.” Jude spoke through her phone with a cheeky smile seeing her so attentive and kind to Teddy. 

“I think I’m just good with Teddy. She's chill so it doesn’t really count. I know this is how it works but she’s the perfect blend of them. All the best things I like rolled into the cutest, squishiest, baby girl in the whole world!” Lauren sang in a soft voice, pinching at Teddy’s tummy. Her squeal shrieking through the phone, Jude blinking his eyes a few times, taken aback by her response to Lauren.

“All done mama!” Teddy yelled as you met them in the kitchen, flush. You pressed a kiss to Teddy's hair on your way to get the water you needed desperately before attending to her. She had finished eating the lunch Lauren kindly had made for her.  

“Good girl.” You cooed with a smile. Lauren sat with a smug look on her face as she waited for the inevitable late entrance of Trent, who, when he did stride in, looked absolutely fucking elated.

“Dada miss mama,” Teddy told you as she saw Trent enter. It was an over simplified way saying Trent had really missed you. He sadly and softly smiled at you hearing her. Your heart broke a little that she’d been able to piece it together, that she could sense Trent’s sad mood. 

“Mummy loves you so much.” He’d reassure her feeling completely unsure of what was going on in your relationship.The few nights you were away Trent would tuck Teddy in as she cried.  Teddy would fall asleep only comforted by Trent babbling on little stories and tidbits about you, how perfect you were, how much you likely missed her. They’d watch videos of you and he’d melt.  “Want to see something baby? Want to see the day I met mummy?” He laughed remembering a specific video he had on his phone, he wanted to watch. Teddy nodded tiredly, adjusting to the new routine activity. He was a little embarrassed he even had it but it made him remember a really good time despite things being so bad right now. You likely didn’t even know this video existed. He kept it in a locked folder on his phone primarily where all your nudes and let’s say spicer videos lived. He smiled seeing you like that. Vulnerable, needy for him and in love. You looked gorgeous. He dragged his thumb over the screen. He just wanted to feel your soft skin again as he carefully picked the video of you out of the roll making sure not to pick the wrong one before he showed Teddy. It was a video Marcel had sent around in a snapchat which seemed mundane at the time. He remembered Jude teasing him about it the following day as you laid on his chest, experiencing a new warm feeling of comfort. The video was strangely endearing, like you could see your connection in real time. Energy and force pushing you together. The earth letting out a sigh of relief finally getting two people that were meant to be connected.

“Mama pwety.” Teddy looked up at him cuddling a plush bear with big sleepy eyes as they looked at the thumbnail before he pressed play. He nodded at her.  “Yeah, you have the most beautiful mummy in the world.” He confirmed to your daughter with a sigh before he hit play. Hearing your coquettish laugh in the video cozying up to him in a club years ago just about sent him into cardiac arrest. It hurt. God, did it hurt. 

“Oh, I missed you both lots.” You cooed, kissing her. She smiled, little dimples indenting in her cheeks. A very visual confirmation she was Trent’s little girl. You’ve said it before but you were comedically jealous of the genetics Teddy was inheriting from him. 

“More plebs!” Teddy screamed, grabbing for you. “Mama, miss!” She giggled loving that you were back and really loving your kisses, kicking her feet in her chair. She greedily hummed. “Lub my mummy.” She squealed excitedly. You wanted to cry but you didn’t want to stop kissing her to so you held off. 

“Mummy gives the best kisses, huh?” Trent cooed, bending over in front of Teddy to plant a kiss on your cheek with a hum. 

“You’d know…” Lauren quipped cheekily eliciting a proud  augh from Trent and a raised eyebrow from you. 

When Teddy eventually got sleepy you brought her upstairs for sleep. You went to her nursery and you pouted seeing that Trent had nestled one of your softest jumpers in her crib, the smell of you still lingering. There was a little framed photo of your family moved from its original place propped closer for her to see. You started crying so hard you had to sit down. You couldn’t believe you put your child through this, you couldn’t believe you put Trent through this. Trent came upstairs and you met him in your bedroom after you had calmed yourself down on your own. He held you in bed in a close cuddle. 

“I can’t remember ever going to bed without saying goodnight before. I hated this so much, baby.” You whispered into the dark room as he caressed your warm skin under a tiny camisole you had on. 

“We’re never doing this again. I’m sorry I got so upset.” He cooed behind the shell of your ear pressing his lips against you. You both stayed awake in a warm cuddle. You didn’t know what time it was but it as the color of sky outside fell into that warm navy color, you’d guess around 4 am though. 

“Do you still want to marry me?” You asked after a few hours of not talking, just happy to be back in his arms and good graces. Neither of you wanted to fall asleep but not out of worry, but out of comfort. You didn’t want to lose the cognizance of his presence, what he felt like, what he smelt like. 

“Not a single second went by where I ever questioned that, okay?” He hummed. You smiled through a pout. You’d hope that was true. He meant it though. He didn’t waver in his commitment to you. He told Tyler he had no plans of leaving you. Through all of this it didn’t even pop in his head you would call off the marriage. Maybe he was angry and didn’t like how things currently were but not have you, not marry you? Never. You turned around in his arms and pressed a kiss to his lips. He kissed you back and shut his eyes, getting tired, not being able to keep them open anymore. You let him rest but you stayed awake inspecting his features. You brought your hand up to his face and tracing his perfectly plump lips. You brushed your thumb over his high cheekbones. You started to fall asleep then dropping your face in his neck, tucked carefully under his chin, wrapping your arms around his waist, legs tangled together. You kissed his warm skin drowsily, letting him know how much you loved him even while he slept. He woke up first the next day. He did the same as you did last night inspecting your features. The morning sun seeped through your blinds. The golden light casting over you. You looked radiant and luminescent but your soul, your heart, he could feel it. It was more striking than your beauty. He kissed your forehead before pulling you that much tighter to him. 

Trent had his last game of the season. It was a little surreal mostly because you realized that when the next season began you would be married, the surname on the jersey you were in, would be your own. Lauren and Marcel accompanied you along with Teddy. You wished Marcel would shut up so you could live in your moment of bliss imagining being his brother’s wife and admire Trent in peace. The way sweat dripped over his adams apple, his jersey sticking a little to his abs, his cheekbones highlighted by the floodlights. He looked unreal. Lauren went inside and Marcel looked at you curiously. You could feel his eyes but you ignored him until he spoke.

“Going to tell me how things have been?” He looked at you completely ignoring the game now. You rolled your eyes but he was persistent. 

“Yeah, all fine” You said dismissively, keeping your eyes on Trent whilst tucking a loose curl behind Teddy’s ear. He rolled his eyes now at you.

“Y/N… you know you have to let us in, let him in, let me in. I don’t get why you didn't tell me to begin with?” He spoke, sounding heartfelt, keeping his gaze fixed on you. 

“When was I supposed...” You sighed stopping yourself from starting to defend yourself but you could see his brow raise in annoyance. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t want to scare anyone.” You exhaled feeling a lot of guilt wash over you. He was one of your best friends and you had been extremely selfish not considering how he must’ve felt and dense assuming he wouldn’t want to know.

“Well, you did a really bad job.” He laughed and it made you smile. You felt relieved he was at least being normal again with you.  

“Marce… “ You sheepishly got out. “I’m so sorry” you apologized earnestly, leaning your head on his shoulder. He rested his head on top of yours.

“We love you. Just want mummy healthy, right Ted?” He cooed picking up Teddy from you from under her arms. Her eyes lit up. 

‘Lub mama, Celly!” She giggled, reaching to hug him wrapping herself around his neck. You pulled her Liverpool jersey down for her covering her back. You smiling at her voice. She loved him so much. To be fair, Marcel just had good vibes and since having Teddy you felt like kids had a great gauge of people. There was something that was so endearing about her relationship with him. She trusted him and was comforted by him, it made you feel incredibly relaxed knowing she’d always have her uncles and your sister. 

“I’m so glad you’re mine.” Trent whispered, kissing your head. You held Teddy and smiled for the annual end of season family photo you so loved. Trent was staring at you though not the cameras. You had gone down onto the pitch for one final lap after the match. It was lovely as always. Sweet and a bit emotional. 

“Always yours.” You cooed, turning to kiss him. Teddy quick to want the same amount of attention you were giving each other. She pulled at your shirt with a cute grunt. “Yes, yes and you are ours, Teddy girl.” You kissed her with an eccentric ‘Mwah!’ her giggle following.

When you finally were driving home, you were tired, Teddy already fast asleep, and Trent absolutely exhausted. Needless to say it was a quiet ride. You looked at Trent as the colored lights lining the motorway leaked into the car. You smiled admiring his beauty. His focus on the road but yours on his jawline strikingly sharp. 

“What are you staring at me for?” He laughed, calling you out, flashing his eyes your way quickly. You giggled sliding your hand over onto his face brushing your thumb over his cheek.

“You’re so pretty. Do you know that?” You cooed admiring his annoying perfect skin, despite his annoyingly minimal effort.

“Yeah, obviously.” He replied with a straight face before he couldn’t hold in the cheeky childish smile he was trying to keep down. His perfect grin made your heart hurt. He was so pretty but you rolled your eyes at his pompousness. “Don’t pull a bird like you looking anything but leng.” He turned his adorable look to you.

“Yeah? How did you even manage to bag me?” You teased with a giggle. His smile staying put hearing the sound but he rolled his eyes at your joke. He tapped at his cheek with his free hand, keeping the other draped over the steering wheel. You raised your eyebrows at his gesture.

“Go on…” He instructed you. You laughed again and pressed a kiss where his fingers had been tapping. “Thank youuu.” He sang.

“Ridiculous.” You reached over again to him and squeezed his thigh. 

“Erm… Ow? I just played 97 minutes. Keep your hands to yourself.” He quipped. You squeezed his thigh again just because. You knew he liked the attention. He loves when you give it to him and he can just annoy you in return. 

“You love my hands on you. So full of it, you know.” You giggled with one more squeeze than attempted to remove your hand but he was quick to place his over top of it to keep it on him. 

“I do. I really love your hands on me.” He cooed in a voice that made you feel like you had a juvenile crush on him. You were flustered by the flirtatious comment. He could feel your arm tense a little so instead of keeping your hand on his thigh, he picked it up and brought it up to his lips to kiss the back of it.

“T… do you want to take me on a date this week?” You asked him bluntly, turning the direction of the conversation. You liked him flirting with you right now and you wanted more. You thought it’d be nice to have a night out just you two. Probably a good thing considering what had transpired.

“Yeah? Want me to?” He smiled big again squeezing your hand. You nodded in an adorably naive way.  “Yeah, beautiful, I’ll take you out.” He cooed turning towards you again. His mind beginning to comb through ideas of where he wanted to take you. You leaned over once more unprovoked to give him another kiss on the cheek before you tucked back in your seat shutting your eyes and resting your head onto the window. “Alright, sleepy girls, we’re home.” Trent’s voice waking you up from a daze you didn’t know you had fallen into. You turned to him with a tired pout as if to ask ‘can you please carry me inside?’ He laughed getting out of the car. He came around and opened your door but then he stepped away and opened the back seat. “I’m gonna carry our literal baby but if you want to wait I’ll come back and get you.” He mocked you. You obviously weren’t going to wait outside so you begrudgingly got out of the car yourself. Trent picked up Teddy gently making sure she didn’t wake. He held her tight to him. You shut the door of the car for him and followed them, proceeding to slip your arms around his waist and resting your forehead against his back. He shook his head as he got both his sleepy girls to bed. 

The next day you were getting ready to go to Dianne’s house up in your bedroom's wardrobe. You were doing your best to get back into your routine. Lauren was still there, leaving soon, but you had promised Dianne you’d go see her with Teddy. She heard rumblings about the situation, naturally. Trent had confided in her early on in your relationship when you first let it slip you had struggled with your health to him. He’d never really thought about something like that affecting someone he knew. He had girl friends and girlfriends but he never had a sister he had to share a bathroom with growing up. He didn’t know girls were skipping meals and doing diets or maybe the more extreme things you had been doing that you shared with him. She of course was empathetic to him and did her best to be a sounding board and not intrude but as a mum, as a person who knew you and loved you, she was concerned. So you promised you’d go. 

“Hey… have you seen my Van Clef?” you asked vaguely to Trent. “Like our one?” You clarified more as you were trying to put final touches on your outfit.  He puffed out some air realizing that he was going to have to confront his mistake head on. He hated himself. He had been trying to avoid it but of course you were looking for it, you wore it almost everyday.

“Baby…” he called you, watching nervously. You hummed acknowledging him as you dug through your wardrobe thinking maybe you had misplaced it. “It’s not here.” He told you sheepishly. You gave him a side eye confused but when he didn’t speak you turned your whole body to him. 

“What do you mean? I don’t understand.” At first, maybe you thought this was some sweet ploy of his. He came to you and slipped his hands around your waist. When he dropped his forehead against yours you felt the energy shift in the room. This wasn’t some goofy thing he was serious about something. 

“I had to bring it in to get repaired.” He got his words out so slow you clung to each one in anticipation. Your brow furrowed. He exhaled, dropping his shoulders. He wished he could lie but he knew it'd be wrong to. He was asking you to be honest with him; it would be incredibly hypocritical. “I found it when you were gone and I don’t know I just snapped and then it snapped.” He shut his eyes. You let out a measly ‘oh’ you felt the things he did when it happened. That necklace was your relationship and he had destroyed it. You were definitely in the wrong but it made you feel so sad you were actively trying not to cry or react. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t know what happened it just felt like such a punch in the gut finding it. I though that you didn’t want it or you left it, left me… it hurt. I’m sorry. Fuck.” He babbled incredibly quickly. You usually were fine with his accented words but your eyes narrowed trying to focus your spinning mind on what he was saying. His accent would come in thick sometimes and disappear other days. Relaxing with his friends at home, their words could feel like another language. Nervous doing press, he was more conscious of what he was saying, letting it slip away. 

“It’s fine… I guess.” You gave him a soft smile wishing you didn’t say the last bit. “I understand.” You kissed the tip of his nose and pulled yourself out of his hold. The room went ice cold. Trent’s mind was just filled with his inner voice screaming ‘fuck.’ It was hard not to notice the mood change after that. He hated it. “T, I didn’t leave it on purpose…” you told him right before you left, kissing his cheek, holding Teddy and heading to your car. You were so swift; he didn't even have the opportunity to respond.

“Laur... what am I meant to do here? Things aren’t just going to snap back.” Trent sighed, squinting, picking up his hand to shield his eyes to better make out Lauren’s face. They were sitting in your back garden as the English summer sun beat down on them. They stayed at home while you popped to Dianne’s. Despite your upset about your necklace it did make you happy that your best friend and your fiance “I don’t know, sometimes I just feel like a kid. I feel like I’m making stupid mistakes.” Trent was thinking about breaking the necklace. You’d probably be just as upset if he had managed to break your engagement ring but in a way this had stung more. The necklace was a decision he made before, a decision he made off of instinct, under your nose, completely infatuated by you. It was such an indication of how he felt about you from the very beginning and it was gone. A part of you was happy you didn’t have any visual of it all.

“You’re not but I know the feeling. If you didn’t pick up I was going to call your mum the other day. I was in a moment of introspection on the flight over and I almost laughed. Your mum? Oh hiya erm… can you help… embarrassing.” Lauren rattled off what felt like a million different thoughts. She shook her head but noticed Trent faint smirk on his face not pulling into a full smile but drifting into a tight line. 

“Maybe we should’ve.” He reflected. Maybe Dianne would’ve been more of a help than him. “Like she’s fine most of the time right? I make her happy? I try so hard and yet some days I can feel it like nothing could ever change it all.” He spoke looking and sounded defeated. 

“It’s not you T… She loves you so much. You make her happy, she’ll be okay, but she is the only one that can change it. You’re there for her and that’s the most important. She needs you and Teddy.” Lauren kept her eyes locked on his, making sure he knew she was being serious. She meant what she was saying. He couldn’t fix things but he was essential. Trent responded only with a soft ‘yeah.’ He thought to himself though that what you really needed was for him to repair your necklace and your relationship.

•

Thank you for reading! Please like, comment, or message what you think of the chapter 🤍

Next part - Chapter 21 xx

[yandere-wishes]

Who are your fav authors on here, why and what are your fav fics from them?

Anon, I don't think you're aware of the beast you've just unleashed!

So strap in cause this is going to be long.

Right off the bat, we have, @thefudge. I'm trying so hard not to sound like a deranged fangirl right now. But trust me when I say that I am OBSESSED with every single thing they write! I have read their fics SO SO many times and It's impossible to pick a single favorite one. So here are my top 5

Waiting for the barbarians

Within you is everything I am

I won't be these clothes I burn

His little dead wife 

god complex

Honestly, guys go check out their work they have so many stories spanning countless fandoms. They're literally the ones that got me into Star Wars in the first place! @thefudge I SWEAR I'm not a crazy fangirl, I just really love your writing and works!!

@yandere-romanticaa goes without saying, I've been a HUGE fan of Ana's since literally forever. She was actually one of the Yandere blogs that inspired me to start writing on Tumblr. Again I can't pick just one of her works I love so here's a top 5 list

Wanna Be yours 

Yandere! William Moriarty 

Yandere! Miguel O'hara

Yandere! Nikolai #1 and #2

Yandere! Dazai comparisons

She writes for so many fandoms and updates very frequently. She's also such an amazing and fun person so hearing her stories is always a treat!! Love you lots bestie!!

@fragileheartbeats is another amazing author I love her frigid aesthetic and how it adds a layer of etherealness to all her stories. Her scenarios are magical and written in such a way they evoke such sweet feelings. Honestly reading her stories makes me feel like I'm wrapped in a blanket with hot chocolate watching as the snow silently falls outside. 

Cute little things that melt their hearts (jjk) 

White Swan (jjk) 

How it feels to be loved by them (jjk) 

First kiss (jjk) 

When they become dads (jjk) 

These five are my TOP FAV works from her they're honestly so well-written and utterly adorable!! Guys I'm not kidding go follow her, she is literally my wify!!

@irresistible-revolution

I'm new to their work. BUT "A Coffin Made of Glass" is so beautifully written. It's dead dove yet so utterly bewitching. It takes place in the space between famous Star Wars scenes and gives a more in-depth view of the character's actions and sentiments. 

@spacexseven, omg where do I even begin? Okay, so they just have such a natural way with words. Their stories flow SO smoothly it's honestly astonishing! They've written two Childe fics, "Broken Vows" and "Mandatory Obligations" that I'm wholly obsessed with. The dialogue they write also feels so natural and forthcoming, it's absolutely enticing!!

@rrairey another author whose work I've recently gotten into!! If you're a Sukuna fan then her blog is the place to go. 

Love

Sukuna vs Plushie (a literal BANGER!!)

Gojo vs Plushie

Trust

Bracelet

Seriously, go check out her work!! The way she writes dialogue between the characters and the reader is so utterly perfect. It makes you feel as if you are right there saying those exact words. The scenarios (although) fictional feel so real thanks to her wonderful writing style. 

@dear-yandere needs no introduction, she's a staple in the yandere community. Her stories always blend love and creepiness to a perfect extent. Can I take a moment to just appreciate how poetic and GORGEOUS all her stories are?? Like seriously!! "Almost god" is my favorite fanfic of ALL TIME!! And don't even get me started on "Cry for Me"!! 

This turned out long I don't think anyone was expecting an essay. To be honest I consume more fanfics than published books nowadays so I guess it's a given to have such a long list. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading updates: august 2024

the good news is that I did a lot of reading this month, the bad news is that honestly? I think that my birthday month has had the biggest percentage of literary letdowns, duds, and outright bullshit than any other month of this year so far.

but at least there's plenty to talk about, so let's get going!

Unlearning Shame: How We Can Reject Self-Blame Culture and Reclaim Our Power (Devon Price, 2024) - uh oh gamers, we're starting on a doozy! I've enjoyed both of Price's previous books very much, but with Unlearning Shame I couldn't help but feel like I couldn't quite shake the feeling that I wasn't getting what I had signed on for. the issue, I think, could be corrected by an adjustment to the title, which seems to be promising a very broad tackling of the concept of shame and is therefore making some pretty big promises. in reality, the book is much more narrowly focused than that, interested primarily in the shame that arises in the activism-minded when they feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of awful things in the world and their perceived inability to do anything about it. fairly early on Price introduces an apparently relatable anecdote about himself and a friend having mutual breakdowns in a grocery store because they were both so paralyzed by the conundrum of trying to buy the most ethical groceries possible, and I realized this book was maybe not really for me or my particular experiences with shame. I think this book will be really helpful for a lot of people for sure, would love to pass it on to a lot of my freshmen, but overall it did not live up to the expectations I brought to the party.

A Separate Peace (John Knowles, 1959) - so I wanted to reread this because someone on here sent me an ask about, I don't know, my favorite required high school reading or whatever, and I said it was A Separate Peace but then I realized it's been over a decade since I read the book and I had to go see if it still actually held up. and god, does it EVER. this is such a brutal and heartbreaking novel, beginning in the last carefree summer that best friends and roommates Gene and Finny will experience before their final year at their boys' private school and their seemingly inevitable draft into WW2. although Gene is seethingly jealous of Finny's seemingly effortless charisma, popularity, confidence, and athletic prowess, the two boys are also inseparable - until a tragic injury changes the course of Finny's life forever. this book is a mess of unspoken pain, from the looming end of innocence on a global scale to the intimate ache of loving your best friend so, so much and having no healthy way to express it because you're a repressed little rich boy in the 1940s.

Deep as the Sky, Red as the Sea (Rita Chang-Eppig, 2023) - Chang-Eppig's debut novel follows the career of Chinese pirate Shek Yeung, also known as Zheng Yi Sao, immediately following the death of her husband, fearsome pirate Sheng Yi. you've probably seen a post or two about her floating around on this very hellsite, calling her a pirate queen and accompanied by this image:

Chang-Eppig isn't interested in portraying Shek Yeung as any kind of heroine or feminist icon; over and over again it's acknowledged that she's simply a woman who has survived massive hardships and will do whatever she needs to do to survive. manipulation? spying? extortion? torture? murder? you name it, she's done it, and she does not feel remorse. while the novel wasn't a knockout for me either in terms of plot or prose, it's nice to see an entry into the trend of "retelling" stories from history and mythology centered on women that isn't determined to justify every step a maligned woman ever made. Shek Yeung is what she is, and her story makes for a gritty, bloody adventure.

Victim (Andrew Boryga, 2024) - this book is pure sleazeball fun; if you've ever wondered what I consider a romp, this is it. Victim follows our manipulative king Javi Perez as he builds a writing career for himself by turning in one essay after another about racial discrimination that he never really experienced, inventing stories of hardship caused by racism and poverty from his college application essay to his school newspaper to the story that finally brings the whole lie crashing down when he stretches the truth too far. the novel is written like Javi's apology in the wake of getting #canceled, and while I do sometimes feel that this premise makes some of the writing seem a bit implausible (why would you admit that!!!) it's a fun setup for a scandal that would have been a bloodbath on the twitter of old. come get your mess!!!

Bad Girls (Camila Sosa Villada, trans. Kit Maude, 2022) - this is my first time reading Sosa Villada's work but OH BOY, do I need to seek out more. this is a skinty little novel following a dramatized account of the travesti (or transgender) women who live and sell sex in Córdoba, Argentina. the women build an unsteady but beautiful and magic-infused family under the protection of the ancient Auntie Encarna. the protagonist (who is named Camila Sosa Villada, no relation I'm sure) watches as her unconventional family grows, changes, and frays over time, struggling to find ways to stay afloat in a world that see them as disposable. Sosa Villada's turns of phrase are brilliant and searing, and she weaves fantastical elements so nimbly into her narrative that it's utterly believable to see women becoming animals and courting headless men in the streets of a modern city. strongly recommend for fans of Kai Cheng Thom's Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars.

Talkin' Up to the White Woman: Indigenous Women and Feminism (Aileen Morteon-Robinson, 2000) - this book serves as a scathing literature review indicting Australia's white women anthropologists and feminist scholars for the ways in which they've dehumanized and discredited Aboriginal women, stripping them of the right to be authorities of their own experiences and barring them from a white-centered feminist movement. Moreton-Robinson's account is excellent, contrasting the wok of white women academics with the accounts of Aboriginal women to reveal exactly how massive the disparities in understanding are. as a USAmerican previously aware of Australia's colonial history but unfamiliar with the specifics, it was jarring to discover exactly how similar the mechanism of colonial violence are between my country and Australia, with countless genocidal parallels to be drawn. one particular highlight of the book comes via my purchase of a 20th anniversary edition, which includes a new post-script by Moreton-Robinson in which she dissects and responds to various criticisms of the book at its time of release, taking several critics to task for the belittling tone they used to describe her work and the tools white feminists use to absolve themselves of blame in the face of critique from women of color. fascinating and thorough articulation of Moreton-Robinson's point, and deservedly blistering. I love when academics call each other out by name.

The End of Love: Racism, Sexism, and the Death of Romance (Sabrina Strings, 2024) - so the thing about this book is that there are really good PARTS. Strings is still an excellent historical writer, and I found a lot to appreciate in, for instance, the segments on the history of Black American pimp culture and the analysis of Playboy and Helen Gurley Brown's Sex and the Single Girl. the more personal segments, where Strings contorts herself to fit her own failed relationships into the narrative she's building, are decidedly less consistent in their quality, with some feeling like they would have been better off staying between Strings and her therapist. there's a long and convoluted digression about Sex and the City, and a strange anecdote towards the end in which String recounts a phone call with a friend's college-aged son who, String believes, was masturbating during the call. a yucky experience, to be certain, but I'm not sure it justifies Strings filing a police report against the youth and his mother, who she accuses of having groomed her on the son's behalf. she also casually drops in the same chapter that she considers herself pansexual because she's attracted to trans men in addition to cis men? idk man!!! this book was so uneven that I found myself genuinely questioning whether Strings' first book, Fearing the Black Body, is actually as excellent as I remember it being. I'm pretty sure it is, but god it sucks to get shaken so hard that you have to wonder!

The Diary of a Teenage Girl: An Account in Words and Pictures (Phoebe Gloeckner, 2002) - another book that I had to read for class, years ago! I read Diary of a Teenage Girl in one of my gender and women's studies classes in my undergrad, for a class with a title along the lines of Girlhood Stories in Fiction and Film. Gloeckner's novel (though heavily informed by her own life, she insists that it's a work of fiction) sees its young protagonist, Minnie, navigating a great deal of sex, alcohol, drugs in 1970s San Francisco. I started thinking about the book because I was listening to a trio of episodes of You're Wrong About in which Carmen Maria Machado guests to talk about the pervasive sham that is Go Ask Alice (great series, check it out) and I started thinking about Diary, which is so much less preachy and didactic and is, you know, actually drawn from a real teenage girl's diary, unlike Go Ask Alice, and lacking Alice's preachy didacticism. as a diary based on a real diary this book is largely lacking in any particular plot (the most consistent through line is Minnie's ongoing and tumultuous sexual relationship with her mother's 35 year old boyfriend), but if that's not a turn off then you'll find yourself rooting for Minnie to find her way all the way to the uncertain but ultimately optimistic conclusion.

One and Done (Frederick Smith, 2024) - okay, so. this is a romance novel that I picked up because I saw a review talking about how it's an incredibly realistic depiction of working at a university. now that's obviously an insane thing to look for in a romance novel, but I like romances, ESPECIALLY gay romances, and I work at a university, so I figured sure, I'll bite. spoiler alert: it's not great. I posted some examples of the prose here, and even if the two protagonists talked like actual human beings it wouldn't make up for the stale-ass plot or devastating lack of chemistry they have going for them. more like One and Glad to Be Done With This Book That Isn't Very Good, am I right, ladies?

Seduced (Virginia Henley, 1994) - guys, I'm gonna be so fucking real with you. this is the most batshit novel I've ever read, period, let alone the most batshit romance novel. this book was the winner of a poll I ran on patreon last month in which my wicked patreonites got to nominate romance novels of their choosing for my next reading project and voted amongst themselves to crown a winner, and against all odds and my own light attempts to sway the voters, Seduced won it all. this book has everything: a historical setting, a bold young lady disguising herself as her own brother, wildly unchecked orientalism, a murderous cousin, high society scandal, and some of the most torturous sex scenes I've ever encountered in my life. truly this write-up cannot do justice to what I have experienced; I've already promised by patreonites that I'll have to do a little youtube live in order to fully express the extent of my dissatisfaction.

and that was the month of August, babey!!!

[loganswdc]

so williams has replaced logan . james made the move , and replaced logan as has been rumoured this whole year .

here are my thoughts .

firstly , i'd like to say that logan never had the opportunity to show his talents . i feel like the first time we truly saw what logan could do was in las vegas last year , when he qualified p7 . that felt like logan , like his true capabilities . since then he hasn't been given the tools necessary to improve or to do well in f1 . in some way , good that they dropped him , because they only kept pushing his head further under the water as the season went on . he's been treated awfully this entire season and i think everyone can see that ,, especially after australia .

secondly , congratulations to franco , though i don't know how good of an idea it was to sign a driver in his rookie year of f2 . i don't know much about fraco , but i do hope this won't be another logan situation .

on that note , i think this was probably the most idiotic move that james could have ever made . replacing logan , who was shoved into f1 way too early , with a driver just halfway through his rookie season in formula 2 isn't going to go well , in my opinion . they're looking for an ollie bearman situation , but the problem is that ollie was driving a ferrari whereas franco will be driving a williams . and williams has such a bad car that it's quite honestly offensive to cars everywhere to call that thing a car .

i was also told by my mom who saw an article about the news that they replaced logan because of the damage costs from crashes , and that updates were constantly behind because of "all the damage logan caused throughout the year" which is funny considering that the majority of damage this year was due to alex's crash in australia and then the crash alex had following that in suzuka with daniel . i love alex so much and i will always root for him but the damages from those two crashes were major . hence , them being behind on the budget because of those two crashes . that's not to say logan didn't crash and add to that , but the majority of the budget problems did come from the crashes in australia and suzuka when you think about it . so to say that they dropped logan because of the crash in the netherlands feels so utterly idiotic to me .

i genuinely feel like this wasn't very well thought out and that , in some way , because mercedes and redbull were so quick to tell james oh yeah we'll give you our reserve drivers then james was under the impression that he should / it's okay for him to replace logan all of the sudden . but the truth is that it isn't okay and the way he's treated logan since the end of last year to now is awful . it's like he only viewed logan as a seat-warmer for the love of his life carlos sainz .

to which i say that i have a lot of thoughts on how james talks about carlos and how weird and absolutely unprofessional it is . like it's genuinely getting so weird how he talks about carlos and the fact james' wife was concerned.... but that's for another post !!

all in all i am absolutely devastated for logan . when i found out i was walking to my next class and started hyperventilating so hard i nearly passed out in the middle of the courtyard 😭 i've been on and off crying literally all day and this news was the worst . and it's literally my birthday tomorrow which made it so much worse . i think that in the end we have to wait and see and perhaps we'll find that this was a good thing for logan , that he'll be able to go somewhere where he is truly appreciated and can show how talented he is .

i don't think logan would see my silly rants on here but if he does for whatever reason then i hope he knows that he's loved and appreciated . that we'll always support him and stand by him . he will forever and always be my favorite driver , no matter where he goes .

i'll still be posting about logan on here , perhaps just news that i find in the coming weeks or when we find out where logan is going then i'll post about that . or i'll just be posting cutie patootie photos of logan i find on pinterest :)

sending love to all my fellow logan fans and my dms are always open to anyone who wants to talk / rant about this <3

hate will not be tolerated in the replies and i will be removing / blocking anyone who sends hateful messages . this is not a time to be a dick , it's a time to show support for a driver who did everything he could with that car .

[mint-yooxgi]

{12} - Paradise Gardens - Yandere!Demonic Entities!Ateez X Reader

Yandere AU & Demon AU - Book Two to Hotel California

Genre: Mature, Horror, Angst, Fluff, Slight Humour

Pairing: Ateez X Reader (Focus on Seonghwa, and slight Wooyoung)

Words: 9,104

Warnings: Clingy Wooyoung. I honestly think that's it lmao This is a Yandere story, it will contain themes such as stalking, violence, obsession, possessive natures, and just general overall creepiness and swearing. You have been warned.

A/n: So, I know it's been forever since I updated this, or at least, it feels like it lmaoo I really hope this chapter makes up for the wait! I think it's really cute and fun. I've got a lot of stuff planned going forward, and quite a spicy scene next chapter hehehe As always, feedback is greatly appreciated! Enjoy~

Also, gentle reminder that I don’t do tag lists.

Mini Masterlist - Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six - Part Seven - Part Eight - Part Nine - Part Ten - Part Eleven

If you thought Yeosang had been clingy after the first time the two of you had had sex, Wooyoung is ten times worse. You can hardly go anywhere in the house without him following you around, or showing up beside you suddenly in order to practically cling off of your side. He even goes so far as to appear beside you in the tub, a cheeky grin pulling at his features as he holds a rubber ducky in his one hand.

The first time he had done that, you had let out a shriek in surprise. One minute you had been alone, sliding into the warm water with your eyes falling shut in bliss. The next, you had opened them to see him sitting across from you, smiling like a mad man in love.

“Hi, Angel.” He had waved that rubber ducky held in his hand so casually before giving it a small squeeze. 

The squeak it let out almost served to mock the irritation you had been feeling. Of course, Yunho and Yeosang were quick to appear in the bathroom after that, having heard you shriek and all.

“Don’t you, ‘Hi, Angel’ me! You nearly gave me a heart attack!” You had smacked his arm, chest rising and falling dramatically as you attempted to catch your breath.

“Oh, no! My Angel is suddenly having breathing issues!” Wooyoung all too eagerly leapt at the opportunity to wrap you in his arms

A blink, and you have him in a headlock, clear irritation on your face.

“Can I not be alone? For five minutes?” You shake him lightly, feeling how his one hand rests almost lovingly against your arm wrapped around his throat.

“Well, I see you two are figuring things out.” Yunho chuckles.

“I just want to take a bath in peace.” You sigh.

You can practically feel the way Wooyoung deflates in your arms, and you just know that that all too familiar pout of his is pulling at his features. 

“I just want to spend time with you, Angel.”

“And you can’t do so wearing pants?” Yeosang gives his brother a once over, clear distaste on his features.

“Like you did any differently!” Wooyoung counters, still being held in that headlock by you.

That’s when you realize: oh, yeah, you’re naked, too.

That rubber ducky gets thrown in the direction of both Yunho’s and Yeosang’s heads. “Get out!”

“It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, Petal.” Yunho chuckles, easily catching the rubber ducky in his hand.

“I don’t care!” You begin tossing more small items in their direction while shoving Wooyoung out of the tub. “Privacy is privacy, and I value mine!”

“Alright, Dearest.” Yeosang smiles, his shoulders shaking lightly as he grabs Wooyoung by his ear before the younger male can hop back into the tub with you. “We’ll leave you be.”

“Thank you, Yeosangie.” You return his smile with a relieved one of your own. Crossing your arms over your chest, you shoot them all a look. “No weird demon magic, or spying through the mirrors thingy, either.”

“We wouldn’t dream of it,” Yunho hums, amusement dancing in his eyes.

Not even a moment later, the three males disappear from the room, leaving you to your thoughts once again.

At least you managed to get some time alone after that. However, Wooyoung was insistent of spending almost every waking moment he could with you. For two solid weeks, he would always be the one sitting beside you when you were eating, and somehow, he would manage to worm his way into your lap while you were reading in the library. He’d follow you around the house like a lost puppy, and nearly fight his brothers every night to be the one to sleep in your bed with you.

Finally, one night, you managed to convince him to give you some space. You dragged both Mingi and Seonghwa into your room before Wooyoung could appear and kick one of them out. Comfortably, you rested in bed, a male on either side of you, and just as you were drifting off to sleep, a weight suddenly laying on your chest had your eyes flinging open.

“Really?” Your bloodshot eyes bored a hole into the top of Wooyoung’s head as he clung onto you from overtop of your blankets.

“Wooyoung, you’re being too much.” Mingi sighs.

“If My Angel had a problem with it, she would say something.” Wooyoung replies, matter of factly.

“I have been begging you all week to let me breathe, Wooyoung.” You manage to bring a hand up to rub at the bridge of your nose. “We can’t always be attached at the hip.”

“Why not?” He pouts, staring up at you with those big, brown eyes of his.

“Wooyoung,” It’s Seonghwa who speaks this time, and at one look from him, the younger is shrinking in his spot. “Don’t make me call Joong.”

“Fine.” Wooyoung sighs, dejectedly slinking off of you, and off of the end of the bed.

Wooyoung slowly begins to make his way to your door, purposely dragging his feet. He glances over his shoulder, the look of a wounded animal resting on his features as he pleads with you silently to ask him to say.

“Goodnight, Wooyoung.” You say, somewhat pointedly as you turn to curl yourself into Mingi’s side.

The sound of your door clicking shut is the only response you get, and for some reason, even you can sense the way Wooyoung is surely trudging down the hallway defeatedly.

Now, as you rest on your bed the very next day, you find yourself alone at last. The only person in the room with you is Kuroo, and he rests curled up in a little ball on top of your Snorlax beanbag chair. You swear you can almost hear soft little snores coming from that little ball of black fluff as you turn the page of your book. 

Finally, you have some peace and quiet.

Most of the other guys have been pretty good with you lately. Reluctantly, they’ve allowed Wooyoung the pleasure of clinging to you for the first few days after you had entered the dance studio of your own free will. Luckily, though, they’ve had your back more often than not. It seems last night might have been the final straw, for you haven’t heard anything from Wooyoung today.

A first in over two weeks.

Of course, you opt to hide out in your room, just in case. As much as you love spending time with him, he has been a little overbearing lately. You just want a breather. Plus, it’s not fair to the others that he gets to monopolize all of your time. You still have yet to see Seonghwa’s tailor shop since the incident, and if all goes well, you plan on visiting him there later today. For now, you just want to enjoy the peace and quiet solitude can bring.

About another hour passes by like this, with you simply reading alone in your room. That is, until you see a little black fluff jump onto the bed with you.

“Oh, hello, Kuroo,” you coo, immediately bookmarking your page and smiling down at the little cat crawling up from the end of your bed. The instant you place your book beside you, he’s nuzzling against your hand, blinking up at you with wide eyes. “How’s my little handsome fella today?”

A coo is all you receive back, Kuroo pushing his head harder against your hand.

“Oh, come here, you.” You chuckle, picking him up from beneath his front arms, and pulling him on top of your lap. “Aren’t you just the cutest!”

A happy chirp greets you this time, Kuroo practically climbing up your body to begin rubbing his face all over your neck and jawline.

That’s when you notice another pair of golden eyes still staring at you from on top of your Snorlax beanbag.

Your grip tightens around the black cat in your arms.

“Alright, Stinky,” you begin to move off of the bed with ‘Kuroo’ held tightly in your grip. “You have impeccable timing, Little One, because it’s time for your bath.”

The cat freezes in your arms, but only for a moment. A loud complaint is soon filed by Not Kuroo pretending to be the real one.

“Ah-ah, don’t be a little stinker,” you shake your head, managing to scruff him. You pull him off of you, shifting your arm to the side as you hold him tightly in your grip. “And don’t you dare try and claw me like the last time.”

There’s a false cheeriness to your tone as you glance down to see Not Kuroo almost curling in on himself while being held by the scruff of his neck. He glances up at you with pleading eyes, only to meet your overtly tight, albeit friendly, smile.

The two Kuroo’s lock gazes, and the one in your hand shrinks even further in on himself.

Entering the bathroom, you march right over to the tub. The instant you turn the faucet on, Not Kuroo begins wiggling in your hold to escape.

“Come on, Stinky, none of that.” You lift him so you’re eye level. “Don’t you want to be a good boy for Your Queen?”

At the way you quirk a brow, Not Kuroo immediately stops squirming.

“I think the water should be the perfect temperature by now,” you smile, somewhat maliciously.

If this doesn’t teach him a lesson, you don’t know what will.

You don’t even bother to check the temperature as you dunk Not Kuroo beneath the rushing stream. You can feel the icy chill on the tips of your fingers, but you hold tight, submerging him for a good thirty seconds to ensure he’s soaked by the time you pull him out.

Turning off the faucet, you don’t even bother to grab a towel as you exit the bathroom. All the while, you continue to hold Not Kuroo by the scruff of the neck, water dripping in a trail behind you as you head towards the game room.

The moment San notices you enter the room, his attention is on you. His gaze darts from your overtly cheery expression to the soaking wet cat held in your hand.

Both Jongho and Mingi burst out laughing.

“Where’s Hongjoong?” You ask, tone dripping nothing but sweetness.

The cat in your hand tenses.

“He went out to feed with Yunho and Yeosang.” Jongho informs you, a knowing grin pulling at his lips as he stares directly at the cat in your hand.

A long sigh escapes you.

“What happened?” Mingi quirks a brow, looking between you and the cat.

“Stinky boy needed a bath,” you reply, lifting the cat so you can stare directly into his eyes. “Isn’t that right, Wooyoung?”

The cat’s mouth falls open, and in the blink of an eye, you’ve tossed him in the direction of his brothers. Wooyoung takes the liberty to shift mid-air, water droplets flinging off of him and onto the surrounding males.

“Hey! Watch it, Woo!” San flicks some of the water droplets off of his arm.

San gets completely ignored in favour of Wooyoung attempting to stand back to his feet and go after you. Only, he doesn’t get very far, as he sees you practically looming over him while he rests on his knees.

“I just wanted a day.” You sigh, rubbing at your tired eyes. “A day without you trying to magic your way into monopolizing all of my time.”

“Angel-“

“It’s been two weeks Wooyoung.” Your sharp gaze meets his own, his eyebrows drooping dramatically. “Two weeks.”

“You have been a bit much recently, Woo.” San chimes in.

“Like you’d be any different!” Wooyoung rounds on San.

The elder simply raises his hands in his own defence.

“I have asked you repeatedly to give me space, and you have not.” There is nothing but irritated disappointment on your features as you sigh. “Do you think posing as Kuroo works in your favour right now?”

A pointed coo from the real Kuroo as he walks into the room has Wooyoung’s eyebrow twitching.

“I just wanted to spend time with you,” his voice is but a whisper as he looks down at his hands.

“I understand that, Woo.” You crouch in front of him in order to get him to meet your gaze. “But you have to understand that I also value my downtime. We’ve been spending almost twenty-four hours with each other every day for a little over two weeks. That’s not fair to me when I’ve asked you for a little breathing room, nor your brothers. Do you not think that they also want to spend some time with me, too?”

“They haven’t said anything…” he mutters.

“We’ve tried.” Mingi grumbles out a response, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You have to understand that there are eight of you, and only one of me. I cannot be in multiple places at once, and you can’t always hog me to yourself.” You go on to say. “I don’t mind a day here or there where it’s just us, but you’ve got to learn that me saying that I need some time to myself, or me asking you to give me space does not mean that I don’t want you anymore, or that I don’t love you, or that I never want to see you again.”

The whole room is silent for the moment, save for the slow, consistent drip of droplets that continue to fall from the ends of Wooyoung’s damp hair.

“Okay.” His voice is small as he continues to kneel before you.

A blink, and you’re pointing at the other three. “I count you all in this, too.”

“We know, Baby.” San smiles faintly, a certain reminiscent gleam in his eyes.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me,” you nod once at them, moving to exit the room.

“So, which was worse?” Jongho moves beside his brother kneeling on the floor, purposely speaking loud enough so that you can still hear. “Being a drowned rat, or a dead fly?”

Your eyebrow twitches and you freeze halfway through the door.

A loud shushing sounds behind you, followed by the sound of frantic movement.

Slowly, you turn to look over your shoulder. Both of your eyebrows are currently raised in disbelief as you see Wooyoung half moving to put Jongho into a headlock.

“Do I even want to know what that’s supposed to imply?” You look between the two youngest, one of which is wearing a shit eating grin.

“Don’t you worry, Angel-“

“Remember that time you thought a fly got into your room?” Jongho’s eyes gleam with a twisted sense of amusement.

Your brow furrows, body fully turned back towards them for a moment. You notice how the two others opt to remain silent, watching on with a sense of glee shining on their features.

“A fly?” You tilt your head slightly, resting your hands on your hips as you try and recall the memory. “Oh, yeah! That was-“ your breath hitches in your throat as you turn your suddenly sharp gaze towards Wooyoung. “That was you?”

It had been during the second week at the start of this whole fiasco. You had just gotten out of the shower and had finished changing back into your moping attire for the evening when you had heard a fly buzzing around your room. You didn’t even clue in that it could have been Wooyoung after learning of his powers, considering it happened so long ago. Besides, you had other things on your mind, like how you were going to escape this ‘hotel’ you had seemingly been held captive in.

Of course, you weren’t having any sort of fly in your room, and instead of calling one of the guys for help, you decided to take matters into your own hands. Literally.

Besides, it’s not like you were really on speaking terms with them at that point.

So, rolling up the closest thing you could find, which just so happened to be a magazine Jongho had left for you that day, you decided to go fly hunting. A lucky smack, and the fly was upside down, legs twitching in the air before being scooped up and dropped outside onto the balcony.

Oddly enough, Jongho was the one who came to check on you after hearing the noise you had made by smacking the fly. Now that you think about it, of course.

“I can explain.” Wooyoung immediately lifts his hands in his own defence.

“So, you shifting into animals to spy on me isn’t a new thing?” You sigh.

“It’s not like I’m the only one who did it!” Wooyoung attempts to counter, only for Jongho to casually start walking away from him, an innocent look pulling at the younger male’s features.

“Why does this not surprise me?” You shake your head, moving to exit the room in the next moment.

“Wait! Angel!” Wooyoung scurries after you, managing to catch you halfway through the foyer. “I’m sorry!”

“Wooyoung-“

“It was stupid of me to do those things,” he continues, practically clinging off of you as you attempt to continue to make your way to the opposite side of the house.

“Wooyoung-“

“I promise I’ll never do them again,“ he slides down your body, practically clinging onto your one leg with every step you take.

You sigh, half dragging him across the floor as he desperately holds onto your ankle. Your clothes begin to become damp from the water still dripping off of him. “Sunshine-“

“I’ll make it up to you, I swear!”

“Wooyoung!” You stop just outside of Seonghwa’s tailor shop, noticing the elder male look up from whatever he’s working on from within.

Only, from the way Wooyoung continues to babble at your feet, grovelling with every word, you let out another sigh. Pleadingly, you turn to look at Seonghwa through the glass of the door, begging him silently to help you.

A blink, and Seonghwa is staring down at Wooyoung from the open door with a scrutinizing gaze.

“Wooyoung.” The elder says the younger’s name, quite pointedly at that.

“I just wanted to spend time with you, Angel.” He pleads for you to understand, his eyes wide as he looks up at you.

“I know, Woo.” You sigh. “I’m not mad. In fact, I’m more upset at Jongho right now for essentially pulling a San.”

“Hey!” A loud complaint sounds from down the hallway from the elder male.

“Marshmallows.” You call back, which immediately shuts him up. Then, you’re turning your attention back to the soaked male clinging to your leg. “Besides, we just agreed that you were going to give me space.”

“But-“

“Should I tell Joong to come back early?” Seonghwa mentions casually. “We all know the consequences of not respecting Our Queen’s boundaries.”

This has Wooyoung immediately back on his feet, straightening out your shirt for good measure.

“I’m not disappearing, Woo. I can promise you that.” You pat his arm lightly. “Now, go apologize to Kuroo for impersonating him while he was in the room.”

“Fine.” He sighs, trudging back down the hallway.

“And go wrestle your younger brother for being a shit disturber, or something.”

This has him immediately perking up, a sly grin tugging at his features. A quick turn from him, and he’s shifted to place a kiss onto your cheek before racing back down the hallway once more.

A shriek in the distance is all you hear that Wooyoung is most certainly doing something to get back at Jongho right now.

Turning back to face Seonghwa, an amused grin pulls at your lips. You notice he already wears one of his own, you shaking your head lightly while smiling to yourself. At least that seems to be dealt with now.

“May I come in?” Your inquiry is nothing short of sweet as you step towards Seonghwa.

“Of course, My Divine.” His answer is instant as he holds the door open for you. “Join me any time you’d like. You never have to ask.”

Gently, you place a kiss onto his cheek as you walk passed, letting that serve as your answer. Briefly, your eyes take in the familiar sight of his tailor shop, many different memories flooding your mind.

“What are you working on?” Your gaze catches on a bust in the centre of the room, different than what you’re used to.

“Well,” the soft sound of the door closing echoes throughout the room as he walks over to you. A blink, and he’s wrapped his arms around your waist, holding you flush against his chest as he stands behind you. “My Divine requested corsets for all of us, so I thought I should work on those today.”

Your hands come up to rest over his arms, leaning further into his touch as you relax into him. “Whose are you working on right now?”

“Yeosang’s.” He replies, and you both shift your eyes to look at the bust before you.

Your breath hitches in your throat as you fully take in the detail of the corset before you. It’s a light cream in colour, with golden detailing along the seams. The style is over the shoulders, the placement of the fabric appearing as if the corset is layered. The light colour, combined with the almost intricate detailing of such a simple design has your heart fluttering at the mental image of Yeosang wearing such a thing for you.

“It’s beautiful, Hwa.” You breathe, eyes continuously taking in every minute detail

“I’m glad you like it.” He chuckles, burying his face into the side of your neck.

“Have you made any others, yet?” You turn slightly in his arms, subconsciously tilting your head to the side to give him better access to your neck.

Seonghwa hums in response, “I’ve made yours.” A pause. “And mine.”

Subtly, your fingers press a little firmer against his arms.

“Would you like to see?” There’s an undertone of excitement to his inquiry, along with a hint of nervousness.

“I would love to.” You smile, managing to turn your head to place a kiss against his temple.

Parting from you somewhat reluctantly, Hwa disappears off to the side, pulling out two separate busts. He places the first one beside Yeosang’s, but the other, he purposely hides behind his back for now.

“This one is mine.” He says, motioning to the newly placed corset resting beside Yeosang’s own.

A look of complete wonder rests on your features as you take in the detailing of the corset before you. It’s a bit simplistic in design, but still beautiful. The black material only serves to cover his lower torso, appearing to rest just below his bust. Intricate silver leaves are embroidered on the fabric, silver stitching lining the seams.

For a full minute, you do not speak. Instead, you cannot tear your vision away from the corset before you, your mind swirling with images of what Seonghwa will look like wearing such a piece of clothing for you.

You swallow thickly, you lips parting, “It’s beautiful.”

It’s hardly noticeable, but his shoulders seemingly sink in relief at your words. “I’m just glad you like it.”

“I can’t wait to see you in it.” Comes your earnest reply, shifting your gaze over to meet his own.

“Well, if you like those, then I’m now certain you’ll love your own.” The corner of his lips quirks upwards as he steps aside to reveal your own corset to you.

A gasp escapes you as your hands come up to cover your mouth. You can hear your heartbeat thundering in your ears as your eyes go wide, nothing but excitement and love flooding your veins.

Before you rests one of the most intricate corsets you have ever seen in your entire life. The base is pure white, golden threads running throughout the fabric. Embroidered florals and leaves rest along the bodice, while the seams are lined with more of that striking gold. It’s strapless, with a slight sweetheart neckline at the top.

The exact inverse to his own corset’s design, but almost the exact same colouring to Yeosang’s.

“Seonghwa,” you manage to lower your hands as you meet his somewhat nervous gaze. “I love it!”

A radiant smile is immediately taking over his features. “You do?”

“Of course I do!” You take a step towards him to inspect the detailing of the corsets closer. “These are all incredible! Did you hand stitch these?”

“It took me some time, but I finally found a pattern I thought could suit us.” He shrugs off your words casually.

“You mean to tell me that you embroidered these yourself?” You lips part in awe.

“If it’s for someone important to me, I make all of the patterns myself.” He nods, averting his gaze somewhat shyly.

A few more steps, and you’re in front of him, cupping his cheeks gingerly in your hands.

“You’re incredible, you know that?” You gently guide his gaze to your own.

His lips twitch upwards in the corners, a warmth beginning to bloom beneath your hands and upon his cheeks.

“My Divine asked, and I am more than happy to deliver.” He whispers.

Again, you place a kiss upon his cheek.

“They’re all going to be matching, aren’t they?” You smile, turning to face the corsets once more.

“In one way or another, ours will all bear some resemblance to your own.” Seonghwa confirms, wrapping his arms around you from behind for the second time this day.

“Something tells me you have some idea when we’ll be wearing these.” You tease, poking his arm lightly.

“I do.” He hums. “Your coronation ceremony.”

Your body goes still in his arms, “Uh…”

“Don’t worry, My Divine,” he chuckles. “That’s still quite some time away.”

“But there will be one at some point.” You respond.

“At some point, yes.” He confirms, and you can hear the amusement in his voice. “We still have to officially crown you as our Queen, you know.”

“Right,” You nod a few times slowly. “I guess with all that’s going on lately, I forgot about that little detail.”

“Well, it’s not quite a little detail to us.” He grins. “We’ve been thinking about it far longer than you could ever imagine.”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” You tease, leaning further back into his chest.

“I was hoping for that dress to be what you wore for the ceremony, but unfortunately it seems that fate had other plans.” Seonghwa’s words are low as he exhales disappointedly.

This time, you tense.

“Seonghwa, I-“

“Wasn’t it you who told me to stop apologizing for the things that we can’t control?” He’s quick to cut you off, turning you around so that you’re facing him. Gently, he grasps your chin in his one hand, holding your gaze with his own. “All that incident told me was that I could make something better. Something truly worthy for you, and I think I already have.”

Your eyes dart beside you, almost searching for that corset that you know is just resting behind you for the moment.

“Yes, I decided to approach things from a new angle. Starting with those corsets have breathed new life into my designs.” He smiles, shifting his hand over to cup your cheek. “I know we have discussed it before, but it is important for me to say it again now: I do not, and I will never blame you for what she did. Inside of these walls, out there,” his eyes dart to the hallway, “Anywhere, or for anything for that matter. I don’t want you thinking that I do. We’ve had our disagreements in the past, but please, My Divine, never believe I would ever think for a single second that you are at fault for what she has done. I am simply glad you are safe, and most importantly, still alive.”

Your expression softens, and you find yourself lifting a hand up to rest on top of his own over your cheek. Leaning into his touch, your eyes flutter closed.

“I appreciate that, Hwa,” you breathe. “Know that I don’t blame you, either. What she did to me, to us, does not rest on your shoulders. I know you tend to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong, and if you’re still having doubts, I will be here to ease them all from your mind.”

For a moment, nothing more is said between the both of you. Instead, you opt to revel in this silence, staring deeply into each other’s eyes, and as you both cradle each other so gently in each other’s hands, you both know that everything will be okay.

“So,” a mischievous glint begins shining within your gaze as your eyes dart beside you once again, “Can I try it on?”

Ten minutes later, and you find yourself standing directly in front of that same three way panelled mirror as the very first time you entered his tailor shop. Seonghwa rests behind you, tying off the last string to the corset before fluffing out the skirt of the dress he’s temporarily paired with it.

Finally, he takes a step back to admire you.

You hear the hitch in his breath before you even lift your head to meet his gaze in the mirror. Though, this time when he steps up behind you to gently place his hands onto your hips, you don’t tense.

“How you become more beautiful every time I look at you escapes all sense of logic and reason.” He breathes out, the ghost of his breath tickling the side of your neck.

The giggle you give him in response is music to his ears.

“You never seem to hold onto logic whenever you’re around me.” You tease, smoothing out the front of the skirt you’re wearing.

“Maybe I don’t want to.” He places a tender kiss against your neck, right above your racing pulse. “You look breathtaking, My Divine.”

A bashful smile pulls at your lips, your heart racing in your chest. “Thank you.”

Slowly, Hwa makes his way to your front, trailing his hand delicately along your side as he does so. You can feel his gaze roaming every inch of your bodice as he comes to stand before you, his eyes dark, yet calculating.

“Are you comfortable? I didn’t do it too tight to begin with, but I can still make adjustments if need be.” He comments, glancing upwards briefly into your eyes.

“Everything feels fine, Hwa.” You assure him. “I am quite comfortable right now, and I mean that in more than one way.”

His eyes flash black, hands smoothing down your sides in a tender caress. He smiles. “I’m glad.”

“I mean it, Seonghwa.” Gently, you take his hands into your own, stepping down from that little platform in order to be closer to him. “I know you’ve been cautious this whole time since I entered here today of overstepping boundaries again.” The way you can feel his hands tense the slightest bit in your hold from your words says it all. “You don’t have to worry about that, anymore. You can touch me, Hwa. I promise I won’t run away this time.”

There is nothing but absolute adoration shining behind Seonghwa’s eyes as he meets your own. A love that you can feel in the way he gently squeezes your hands in his own. Even more so when he leans forward to place a tender kiss onto your forehead.

“Believe me, My Divine,” he keeps his voice low as he pulls away only to lean his forehead against your own. “You don’t realize how often my thoughts swirl with my desires for you. I’d just rather wait until after your coronation to rip this corset off of your body and take you in every and any way that you desire me to.”

Your breath hitches in your throat, “Oh.”

Seonghwa smirks. “Yes, ‘oh’.”

“Well, I might request that the corsets don’t get torn to shreds if we can help it.” You giggle. “Seems a waste to do so to such beautiful pieces of clothing.”

“I can always make more.” He quirks a brow.

“But none of them would be the first.” You rest your hands upon his shoulders. “They wouldn’t hold the same meaning.”

“I suppose you’re right,” he sighs, taking a small step away to admire you once more. “One of these days, I’m tearing one of my designs right off of you, though.”

“Something tells me you already have something in mind.” You grin knowingly.

“I’ve got a few things.” He hums, grinning right back.

Your eyebrows raise in amusement as you close the distance between the both of you once more. Your arms wrap around his shoulders, fingers delicately lacing through the hair at the back of his neck.

“I’ll model for you anytime, Mars,” The words are but a sultry whisper on your lips, eyes hooding over as you stare deeply into his. “You just let me know the time and place.”

“Don’t give me even more ideas, My Divine,” His voice is but a low rumble as he pulls you flush against his chest. “You already know how hard it is for me to control myself around you.”

You lean into him closer, lips nearly ghosting his own.

His breathing deepens, hands tightening around your waist.

“Then, how delectable it will be when I finally let you indulge.”

A shudder caresses his spine, nothing but a low growl escaping his lips. 

Again, you giggle, pulling away from him with a vibrant smile on your lips. Turning slightly, you face the mirror beside you.

“I do like the style of this dress, though.” You say, acting completely oblivious to the raging storm of desire you’ve just ignited within Seonghwa who is barely controlling his breathing while standing right beside you. “You just had this laying around?”

“Believe it or not,” his voice is a little strained as he attempts to calm himself down, “I’ve had quite a few things already made for you for some time now.”

This piques your interest. “Oh?”

“I’ve spent a lot of time making things for you, My Divine.” He clears his throat lightly, straightening himself. “Yunho isn’t the only one with you as his muse.”

Your heart warms, a loving smile tugging at your features. “I am glad to be able to inspire you so.”

A tender smile in response is all that you get.

“Does this mean you still have all of those dresses from that first dinner?” You tilt your head, nothing but curiosity reflected in your eyes.

“I do.” He nods once in confirmation.

A moment later, Seonghwa has moved off to the side, pulling a curtain back to reveal a row of dresses hanging delicately along a rack. Familiar dresses. The only one that’s missing is his.

Realization crosses your features, those all too familiar mental strings flashing in your mind. 

“You made all of them. Not just for me, but for them, too.”

His lips twitch upwards in the corners, “They told me what they wanted, and I did my best to bring their visions to life.”

You step towards the rack, gazing at the dresses akin to how you looked at them the very first time you saw them. Delicately, you pull each one out to take in the full detail.

“Of course Wooyoung would make his a wedding dress,” you chuckle, looking over the beadwork of the princess style ballgown.

“You can’t blame the man,” Seonghwa chuckles along with you. “We were all eager for you to finally come to us.”

“Believe me,” you meet his gaze, moving on to the lavender gown next. “I know.”

Again, you pull out the satin material, noticing how the thin straps give way to a very low back. The triangle cups on the front before the bodice begin also leave no room to the imagination.

“I do love the style of this dress, but there was no way I was going to wear it back then.” You gently rub the smooth material between your thumb and forefinger. At the mildly confused look Seonghwa gives you, you’re quick to continue, “Open invitation to stare at my chest; my boobs would have been practically falling out.”

Seonghwa nearly tumbles over while standing upright.

“I’m not about to go to dinner with men that I don’t know with my chest on full display.” You joke.

“We would have been respectful!” Seonghwa immediately attempts to defend both himself and his brothers.

“Right.” You snort out a laugh. “And Yeosangie isn’t a boob’s guy.”

The tips of Seonghwa’s ears being to burn bright red.

“In his favourite colour, no less.” You hum, clearly amused. “Granted, he’s much more subtle than some of your brothers. Mingi isn’t very good at hiding when he’s staring at my ass, his gaze can be quite intense. Thinks he being subtle, too.”

“I’ll let him know.” Seonghwa clears his throat.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing,” you turn to meet Seonghwa’s gaze briefly, a smile tugging at your lips. “It’s nice to know I’m wanted.” You turn back to the row of dresses. “Though, maybe keep the eye-fucking for when we’re not in public, yeah?”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Seonghwa grins, a small chuckle escaping him. “Though, I can’t promise you much.”

“It’s the thought that counts,” you shoot a playful wink in his direction before pulling out the emerald green dress next. “Speaking of dear Mingles.”

“If anyone but you called him that, they’d be decapitated by now.” Seonghwa jokes, shifting to pull out his chair before taking a seat to continue watching you go through all of the dresses he made for you for that one night.

“Good thing I’m not just anybody.” You grin, observing the way the material of the strapless goddess wrap falls from the hanger. 

The material pinches in one place on the left side, allowing for a sort of angled hemline which ends just above your knees. The wrap of the dress is meticulous, silver gems serving to pin the wrap in place, glittering beneath the lights of the tailor shop around you.

“No,” he agrees with a hum, leaning back in his seat as he observes you with a loving gaze, “you’re not.”

Moving on to the next gown, you pull out what had been your second choice for that evening all those months ago. 

The red dress is just as beautiful as you remember, the capped sleeves giving way to the sweetheart neckline. Tulle flows from the waistline and all the way to the floor in a seamless line, accentuating the length of the gown. Though, as you pull the skit, you realize that there seems to be a slit running all the way up the side, hidden beneath the layers of fabric.

Your eyebrows raise in amusement.

“Do you think it would have been easier or harder for me to stab him wearing his dress?” There’s a teasing lilt to your tone as you turn to face Seonghwa once more.

“My Divine, I think you underestimate the power you hold when we see you wear something of our own design.” He remarks. At the way you quirk a brow, he continues, “If you wore that dress for him… hell, if you wore anything red for him, you could get him to do anything that you want. No questions asked.”

Your eyes widen significantly, pure mirth dancing within. “Good to know.”

“The same goes for every single one of us.” He sighs, somewhat dreamily as he rests his elbow on the arm of his chair. His head is in his hand, and you can just tell by that fond look in his eyes that he’s vividly reminiscing you wearing his own gown for him all those long months ago.

The next dress you pull out to look at is a beautiful bright yellow. It’s strapless, and the skirt falls like a waterfall - short in the front before it lengthens in the back. The material is chiffon, wrapping around the bodice in a sort of layered pattern.

“Simple, yet elegant.” You comment. “It’s fitting for Yunho.”

“He has always been a simple man, in that sense.” Seonghwa agrees.

That soft smile rests on your features as you delicately place Yunho’s dress back onto the rack. Almost lovingly, you trace your hands over the fabric one last time before moving on to the soft pink dress right beside it. Pulling it off of the rack, you hum.

The lightness of the fabric falls delicately against your one hand as you see the over the shoulder straps. There seem to be two sets: one the would hang just over your collarbones, while the other falls just past your shoulders, both thin yet sturdy. The style reminds you of old fantasy games, where fairies would wear pastels, their wings fluttering behind them. The ruffled seam along the top leads into the straps that fall just over your shoulders, bodice form fitting while the skirt falls delicately in a solid piece of soft fabric to rest just below your knees.

“Sometimes, I forget how soft you all can be.” You hum pleasantly, heart swelling as you place San’s dress back onto the rack.

When you first met San, you interpreted him to be all sharp angles and brute strength. At least, that’s how he appeared to you.

A vision of him purposely flaunting himself off beside the pool flashes through your mind briefly. 

Now, of course, you know differently, and this dress only serves to prove what you already know.

You smile.

Last, but certainly not least, you pull out the final dress in the row.

The youngest’s dress is probably the shortest of the bunch, the deep maroon accenting the black velvet pattern of roses found throughout. It’s quite simple in design, small slits on either side along the edges of the skit to make moving in the dress easier. The top is strapless, body formfitting.

“Something tells me Jongho was hoping a little too hard for this one.” You quirk a brow, turning to look at Seonghwa who suddenly avoids your gaze. “Ohoho, so he wasn’t the only one hoping for this one.”

“If we’re being honest, it was my second choice.” Seonghwa mumbles, still not being able to meet your eyes.

“Do I want to know?” You tease, nothing but amusement shining in your eyes.

“I wasn’t the only one!” Seonghwa attempts to defend himself, raising his hands in front of his chest.

“Yes, Mars, we’ve established that.” You chuckle. “It’s a wonder the shortest dress is the most popular.”

“Nothing to do with it being the tightest, either…” He mumbles, clearing his throat quite loudly afterwards.

You laugh, eyes crinkling at the sides as you begin teasing them about being your ‘damn horny Kings’ yet again.

“How you managed to get my measurements right is beyond me.” You shake your head, tutting lightly.

“It took me some time, but I do have almost perfect spacial reasoning.” He replies, somewhat nonchalantly.

You raise a hand, shaking your head lightly, “I don’t even want to know.”

“You seemed curious.” He shrugs.

“Wait, how long did it take you to make these?” Your brow furrows slightly as you shift your gaze back to the dresses on the rack beside you.

Seonghwa takes a moment to think about his answer, humming lightly to himself. “Probably about three months. Give or take a week.”

“Three months?” Your eyes nearly bug right out of your head.

“Yeah, I worked on them practically non-stop.” He recalls. “I mean, my own design took me the longest with all of the lace, but if I set my mind to something, it normally doesn’t take me very long to do. Or, well, create.”

You blink. Once. Twice. Three times before his words are truly sinking in.

“Seonghwa,” you turn to him, “How long did it take you to make your dress for me?”

He pauses, looking upwards as he mentally tallies the days. “About a month.”

You mouth falls open. “You spent a month working on a single dress? For me?”

“I had to make sure it was perfect.” He shrugs.

Your expression softens as you move to kneel before him as he rests in his chair. Ever so gently, you clasp his hands in your own, his words from earlier echoing throughout your head.

“You weaved the lace by hand, didn’t you?” Your inquiry is a bit airy, warmth swelling in your chest as you stare deeply into his eyes. “Just like you embroidered this by hand, too.”

The way he glances down at the corset you wear is answer enough, but he still nods softly along with your words.

A tender smile graces your lips. “You are incredible, you know that?”

Again, he averts his gaze somewhat bashfully. “It’s not much.”

“Seonghwa, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” You glance up at him through your lashes.

“To be fair, you said it yourself, we’ve had quite a few rough patches already.” He once again shrugs your praise off. “It never felt like the right time, and I didn’t want it to appear like I was boasting.”

You’re silent for a moment, pursing your lips slightly as you appear deep in thought.

“What’s on your mind, My Divine?” His hand gently cupping your face has you meeting his gaze once more.

“I wish I had known.” There’s a slight downturn of your lips, a hint of guilt shining behind your eyes. “I had an inkling you had made it for me, but I didn’t realize the extent you went to.”

“It’s alright, My Divine,” Seonghwa chuckles fondly. “You don’t need to feel bad for this.”

“But I almost threw it off my balcony.” Nothing but pure regret pulls at your features.

“But you didn’t.” He reminds you.

“As scared, confused, and upset I was, I couldn’t do that to such a beautiful dress.” You admit lowly. “Especially not to one that actually made me feel beautiful after so long of believe I wasn’t.”

“I’m just happy to know you liked my design enough to choose it first.” He cups your face gently, placing a tender kiss onto your forehead.

“I should wear it again.” A casual admittance from you has him freezing right in his spot. “A dress like that shouldn’t be worn only once, Mars. It’s wasted sitting on a hanger, and not worn for its intended purpose.”

“You would wear it again?” He pulls away to meet your gaze, eyes shining with his barely contained awe and happiness. “For me?”

“I plan to wear everything you’ve ever made for me at some point, Hwa.” You admit lowly. “Everything you will make for me.”

His brow quirks teasingly, “Even the wedding dress?”

You grin right along with him, “Even the wedding dress.”

“I know for a fact that Wooyoung won’t be the only one who wants to see you in that.” His gaze drifts to the row of dresses behind you.

“I think your brothers have long since earned seeing me in their own dress designs.” You hum, turning your head to glance back at the aforementioned gowns. “As a treat.”

“You might want to time Jongho’s for when none of us are home, except him.” Seonghwa warns, helping you back to your feet as he stands from his chair. “You may not get to him if one of us sees you in that first.”

“Is that a promise?” You quirk a brow playfully.

“A Divine Temptress, that’s what you are.” Seonghwa shakes his head, stroking his thumb lovingly against your cheek.

“Only for My Kings.” You giggle, shooting him a playful wink as you walk back over to the stand.

Seonghwa follows behind, a fond smile on his features as he watches you step back onto that little pedestal. Again, you turn to face the mirrors, smoothing out the front of the dress as you examine your reflection closely.

All is silent for the moment as he looks you over carefully, noting the somewhat subtle twitch of your fingers over the material of the gown.

“You know you can tell me whatever is on your mind.” He voices softly. “If you don’t like something, I won’t be upset.”

You take a moment to straighten your spine before clearing your throat, “You said you haven’t started on the new dress to match this yet, right?”

“That is correct.” He confirms with a nod, a sort of amused gleam shining behind his eyes.

“I- uh-“ you swallow the sudden dryness in your throat, averting your gaze so sweetly to the side.

“Do you have something in mind?” Seonghwa is a little too eager when he asks this.

Softly, you nod your head. “But if you already have an idea, I don’t want to-“

“My Divine,” he cuts you off with a lighthearted chuckle, moving to stand in front of you. A second later, he gently grasps your hands in his own. “Never be afraid to ask me to make you something. I would be more than happy to create for you whatever vision you have in that beautiful mind of yours.”

A reassuring squeeze is felt against your hands.

“What if…” you trail off lightly before finally meeting his gaze. “What if we designed it together?”

Seonghwa goes so still, you swear he might pass out. That is, until he’s blinking rapidly, almost as if to clear tears from his vision.

“You want to design a dress with me?” His voice is a bit airy, coming out a bit choked from his overwhelming emotions.

At your eager nod, a brilliant smile stretches across his features. 

Again, he squeezes your hands, shaking them back and forth lightly in his excitement. “What do you have in mind?”

“Well, you already have the corset,” you begin, an eager grin tugging at the corners of your lips.

He nods.

“So, I was thinking…”

A moment later, and you’re opening up your void to him, the mental image of you in a very specific dress filling his thoughts.

You can hear his sudden intake of breath, his eyes widening slightly as his heart stutters in his chest. Subconsciously, he pulls you closer, his lips parting in awe at the vision that paints his mind.

Seonghwa clears his throat, swallowing the sudden dryness there. “I can do that.”

You smile, placing a kiss onto his cheek. “We can do that.”

Seonghwa laughs, his eyes crinkling in the corners as he wraps you into his arms. A moment later, and he lifts you into the air, spinning you around once as a joyous shriek of surprise escapes your lips.

“Hwa, put me down!” Your laughter strongly contradicts your statement as you hold onto his shoulders for support.

Gently, he settles you back onto your feet on that little pedestal. Still, he holds you to him, gazing at you with nothing but love and affection in his dark eyes.

“I love you, My Divine,” he squeezes you the slightest bit tighter as he says this. “So much.”

You smile tenderly at him, cupping his face softly in your hands. “I love you, Seonghwa.”

Briefly, his eyes dart down to your lips.

He swallows. “May I?”

You decide to tease him a little longer.

“May you, what?” You quirk a brow.

“May I kiss-“

He doesn’t even get a chance to finish his inquiry before your lips are on his own. 

A pleased hum reverberates in his chest as he pulls you impossibly closer, one hand settling on the back of your head while the other rests between your shoulder blades. 

Kissing you is a feeling unlike any other to Seonghwa, and he revels in it each time. He can never get enough - your touch, your laugh, your smile - anything and everything about you, he adores, and he’s sure to pour all that he is into the movement of his lips against your own. You are all that he needs.

All too soon, you’re parting from him to rest your forehead against his own.

“You make me so incredibly happy, My Divine.” He breathes out, his eyes still closed as he absolutely revels in this moment here in time with you. “It means the world to me that you wish to design something together.”

“It’s like I told San before,” you reply lowly. “I want to spend more time with each of you doing what you love to do. You’ve all done so much for me, I think it’s time I return the favour.”

“My Queen.” The way his eyes shine with unshed tears says it all.

“I’m just sorry I can’t make anything like this for you, yet.” You briefly motion to the corset you’re still wearing.

“Well,” he laughs, “I do have a few thousand years on you.”

“Just a few.” You grin right along with him. “Maybe I’ll make you a scarf, or something.”

“A scarf?” He quirks a brow.

“I do know how to crochet, Mars.” You chuckle. “Though, you wouldn’t really have a use for it.”

“If you made me a scarf, I would never take it off.” He says, matter-of-factly.

“I don’t know how durable it would be constantly getting wet in the shower,” you hum, almost absentmindedly to yourself.

“You’ve never asked us for yarn before,” he mumbles, brow furrowing in thought.

“To be fair, there have been quite a few other things on my mind.” You poke his cheek lightly.

“I suppose you’re right.” He nods in agreement.

“You ‘suppose’?” You quirk a brow playfully.

“I, uh-“

“I’m just teasing you.” You hum, burying your face into the side of his neck as you hug him close to you. “Besides, I’m surprised my grandmother hasn’t told you that yet. I also know how to knit.”

“Surprisingly, I haven’t seen her around much, lately.” He replies, helping you straighten out the dress again once you part from him.

“I wonder why,” you mumble, somewhat absentmindedly to yourself.

“Baby!” 

Just then, the bell above the door to the shop jingles, and both you and Seonghwa are turning to see a frantic San rushing through the door. Both Mingi and Wooyoung are behind him, excitement shining within their eyes.

That’s when you notice, San seems to be holding onto your phone.

“It’s Vasco.” He says, holding out the phone to you with a large smile tugging at his features. “Crystal’s gone into labour.”

[moonspirit]

It's time for the fic recommendations update! I need more ARUANI in my veins!!!!

So I made a comprehensive list of all the AruAni fics I've read thus far (which isn't much really, considering how many there are)... some are repeated from my prev recs.

you'll notice that a lot of them are smut fics and usually canon or post-canon. I haven't read a lot of AU (which I must do bec I know there are some AMAZING ones out there!). In no particular order:

Since when did you start looking at me that way? (full collection) by @distortedclouds

Neverland of (our) desires , Bury me in the shadows of spring , Golden hour of our forever by @annawayne

Aruani in Fort Salta Series by yours truly~

At Night Within the Walls , Good For You by Anonymous

Sea of Lovers , Moments , Call Me Maybe , Out to Sea by apollogirl7 @lady-shudragon

Children of War by SeaTempest

Specks of Yellow, Start Off Small , That Good of a Person by @popgreens

In the Peace and Quiet , Warmth , Good Behaviour , Intertwined , Stay Soft , Other Things , Vanilla and Saltwater , Many More to Come , To Be Human , No Other Shade of Blue by @brittlebluebell (honestly just go read everything)

Injured Hearts , Whispers in the cabins , What we did in my Fantasies Donuts with a side of warm milk by mipisleepy

Tinsel and Gold , A Petition for Mercy , Foxholes , Coveted , Always, Annie , Waves by honeyriot (again, just go read everything)

Peaceful Days , Letters , Playful Nights , Warriors , Paranoid , Teamwork , Family of Three , Inception , Perfect , Soldier , Lost , Pieces , Regret , Try by Flailingkittylover (go read everything)

God complex , Leverage , All the way down , P.D.A. , Bullshit jobs , On freer seas by astralcrow

Only You , Hollow , In This Life , When Love Had a Name by niwakaame

Twisting the Knife by TaoAndThen

fated to be telling lies by @goneadrift

A glimpse of us. , Sweet Morning , Oasis , Stay. , A Different Tomorrow , Bread and Circuses , For the Sake of Tomorrow , For the Sake of Today by Decoii

sehnsucht , the wind that sounds and smells like death , laid out my love like a map , to think the world's all ours , pom-poms on the toes by @novaae

Who painted the sky? , A Perfect Love , Nothing Sweeter Than You by @dudewhy3 (go read everything honestly)

What If I Kiss You? , all the things that could have been by @mimiwrites2000 (haven't gotten around to reading all of their fics yet, but please check them all out!)

People with great AU recs, feel free to add them in reblogs if you'd like!

Edit: CHECK THE Reblogs for a HUGE list!

[commander-rahrah]

Talking to the Moon: Part VI

Pairing: Astarion x GN!Reader Word Count: ~4800 Warnings: slightly suggestive, swearing, blood, non-con touching (Cazador touching reader), some borrowed in game dialogue, canonical warnings apply!

archiveofourown: here

masterlist: here

part I: here part II: here part III: here part IV: here part V: here

Summary: Set in Act III, after you arrive in Baldur's Gate and have met some of Astarion's siblings but not yet confronted Cazador. Astarion struggles with inner turmoil as he is suddenly thrusted back into the clutches of his old master's influence.

Notes: Long time no update! Long story short December was the month where everything was bad and everything hurt - ER hospital visits and many, many days laying in bed and on the couch very unmotivated and just wanting to feel better! I am very grateful to be feeling better and up to writing as my fics is one of my favorite creative outlets! So thank you for being patient between updates! I really appreciate it and any kind of interaction like a reblog, like or comment truly makes my friggin' day!

So this update and the next chapter will be focused on confronting Cazador! I have had these thoughts and ideas to add more to the in-game scenes since the very first time I played it! I was doing a multiplayer save with my fiancé and the second we finished Astarion's quest (I sobbed the entire time btw) I stayed up all night writing all my thoughts onto my notes app. I didn't even intend to write into a fic back then, I just wanted the outlet of writing it all down to help with how emotional I was feeling about it all! And now a few months later, I have a fic with over 30k words. Aha... whoops!

Anyways, I really hope you enjoy this update and the slight changes and add-ons I've added to this final part of Astarion's quest. I honestly teared up writing parts of it, because Astarion and his and my Tav's story means so much to me, I couldn't help it. ALSO, I don't plan on these being the last updates since it is the "end" of Astarion's quests. I still have plans for this Tav/Reader and Astarion yet. Not enough kissing and happiness had happened yet!! Just some angst and pain has to happen first.

As always, reblogs and comments are very very appreciated ♡♡♡

·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨

You had wandered the streets of Baldur’s Gate before. Long before the nautiloid, in your time living in the city you had explored as much of the exciting city as you could. But never like this.

Your party had taken every cobblestone street, every back alley and shortcut. Astarion lead the way for most of them, pointing things out and sharing antidotes with you.

But you noticed how his smile strained at times, that he was wearing down the stitches on his leather pants from his fingers picking them nervously. At night when you slept side by side you’d wake to him trembling and muttering through a nightmare, which had become more frequent since you stepped into the city boundaries.

The vampire has been so sure of the next step in the Shadowlands and Wyrm’s Crossing. But now anytime you neared the streets leading to Cazador’s castle, he was turning on his heel and looking at one of your companions to ask what they needed to do instead.

Meeting his siblings days ago had been eye-opening. You thought you understood what he had gone through, that the memories he had described to you, and even shown you through the tadpoles, was enough. But after seeing how controlled and manipulated Petras and Dalyria had been… What they were being forced to do…You couldn’t bring yourself to picture Astarion like that.

You couldn’t imagine the turmoil and anguish going through your lover — seeing his siblings, being in the city again in a way he never thought he would, being so close to seizing power that could change his fate forever. You hadn’t voiced that every time he mentioned taking the ritual for himself fear stabbed in your belly. You knew what was motivating him to even consider the choice — outright fear and the call of power that was easily addicting. But too many things in his life has been decided for him… so you didn’t voice that to him, instead insisting that you only needed for him to be safe and happy. You trusted him to make the right choice.

You did trust him. You loved him.

And you showed him as such — throughout the day as you laced your fingers through his, as you rolled your neck for him to feed, as you curled into each other to sleep.

And he had been returning that trust and love back.

He had continued to expand his boundaries with you, slowly but surely as the days went on. Your quiet time together after a long day, you were a reprieve he sought out over and over. You whispered and giggled with each other between kisses in your shared bed in the Elfsong Tavern — tucked into the corner and hidden behind privacy screens. Privacy screens that Karlach had loudly dragged over before giving you both a very unsubtle wink. Then she did the same for her and Shadowheart.

The teasing had been relentless.

You still hadn’t taken those final steps, and you were in no rush too. Astarion’s happiness and agency was the most important to you, always. Yet, you couldn’t help the way your heart thundered and breath got higher as he slowly explored any kind of touch and intimacy with you again.

You were laid together now, draped across each other — you only in your night clothes and Astarion in very thin linen pants. You were pressed gently on top of him, your voice and lips whispering across his pale skin as he pointed his fingertip to various parts of his body. His new game he had started that night — seemingly convinced that he would find a part of himself that you did not love.

Utterly impossible — but you indulged him anyways.

“Even this? You like this?” He pointed to his knobby elbow.

"Hmm,” You hummed approvingly, pressing a gentle peck to the bare, taut skin of his bent joint.

His low laughter rumbled through both of you, shaking you slightly. “I’m running out of ideas.”

You eyed him greedily, “I’m not. You’ve missed some of your best parts.”

“Have I?” He cocked a brow, a smirk spreading across his face. “Alright, go on then.”

“I can—?”

“Mhmm,” He nodded his head against the silk pillow, settling himself deeper into the mattress under your weight.

Swallowing, you took him in underneath you and felt your mind start whirring. Slow, patient, soft — you reminded yourself. You gently touched his jawline, the tip of your finger following the strong line. “Here.”

Then your forefinger and thumb rubbed the cartilage on the tops of his ears, “Here.” His mouth fell open deliciously with that one.

“Here,” You caressed the mole on his cheek with a swipe of your thumb.

You continued your movements, so drawn into him that you didn’t notice his red eyes blazing as they flickered between watching your hand and watching your face.

Your fingers gracefully dragged across him. His Adam’s apple. His knuckles. Collarbone. Inner wrist.

“I told you, there is no part of you that I do not like. Every inch of you I want to—“ You cut yourself off. Perhaps that was too much. This was a fun, teasing game — exploratory and gentle. You hadn’t meant to make it about your own desire and arousal.

He swallowed, his mouth hanging open slightly, “You want to what?”

You let out a fake cough, lifting yourself off of him slightly with a blush crossing your cheeks. “Well, I—“

A grin spread across his face, “Oh, I love it when you get all coy.” He purred, pulling you back before you could fully get away. “Tell me, please.” He whispered.

“There isn’t an inch of you that I don’t wish to kiss. To taste.” You admitted huskily, the heat on your face spreading to your neck.

The groan that escaped him made the fire in your belly sputter even hotter.

“Show me?” He asked softly, but his tone was slightly more sultry than before.

“Sho—show you?”

He nodded before fidgeting under you to display himself more — stretching out his neck, spreading his arms out.

“May I—“

“Darling,” He said the pet name a tad exasperated as his slowly closing eyes snapped to yours. “This was my idea. You don’t have to ask every time.”

“Yes, I do.” You insisted.

He rolled his eyes playfully, shaking his soft curls, “Really—“

But you cut him off. “Astarion, I do. I will continue to. It’s important to me. I never want you to do something you don’t want. I never want to make you feel like that with me.”

“You haven’t. I know you wouldn’t.” He trailed his pale fingers through the hair hanging in front of your face as you hovered over him. He tucked it behind your ear.

“I know it seems like a silly question, especially between us but I want you to know you can—“

It was his turn to cut you off, silencing you with a reassuring kiss. He was looking at you with astonishment when you finally opened your eyes from the deep kiss. “What ever did I do to deserve you my lovely moon?”

You smiled tenderly down at him, “Perhaps it was fate.”

“Hmm," His red eyes blinked slowly, "I used to despise that sentiment.”

“And now?”

Astarion gave you one of the most tender smiles you'd ever seen. “I think you might be right.” He ran his fingers gently down your cheek before letting out a dramatic puff. “Now, stop turning me into a sappy lovesick fool and kiss me already.” He growled playfully.

"As you wish, love." You mumbled as you pressed your lips to his.

• • •

You woke with a stir, the weight of the mattress shifting suddenly and then the sound of scuffling feet. Astarion was standing in front of the bed — in front of you defensively, still only in his night pants with his bare chest rising and falling quickly. A dagger was closed in his fist, aimed in front of him of threateningly. “Stop right where you are.” His voice was commanding like it had never been before, but you could still hear a twinge of uncertainty in it.

“You know why we’re here, brother.” A low, masculine voice said — seemingly coming from the dark shadows in the corners of the large suite.

Astarion's stance grew wider, his grip on his dagger tightening until his already pale knuckles turned white. “Come any closer to us and it will be the last thing you do.”

Peering over your lover's figure, you found four pairs of glowing red eyes studying you intently. The hairs on the back of your neck and arms started to stand up.

"I mean it - get the hells away from us!" Astarion growled again, his hand blinding reaching back for you. You laced your fingers through his and a protection spell was on your lips seconds later, muttered quietly until you felt the magical aura surround him.

The rest of your companions were up on their feet after Astarion's shout, pushing in towards your bed, edging around it in a protective semi-circle. Most of them were scantily clad in only undergarments and nightclothes - but all of them had their hands glowing with magic or weapons drawn. Fury was etched on every one of their faces from the intrusion and threat.

One of the female vampires eyed the rest of your group, counting and calculating. Then she raised her hands up, "We come in peace, brother."

"You call this peace, Aurelia?" He frowned at her. Your grip on him tightened as you stood up and tried to go to his side, but he stepped in front of you protectively once again.

A male stepped forward slightly, his mouth and eyes ruby red with deep scars carved over his skin, trailing down his chin. It was a terrifying sight. But his voice did not match his appearance, and instead was laced with desperation and hope. "The master needs all seven us for the ceremony. Come with us and be reborn. We'll live again."

The suite remained deadly silent. Like you all were waiting to see who would make the first move, who would let loose a spell or swing a blade first.

But it was your meek voice that broke the silence, "How did you find us?"

Their red eyes snapped instantly to you, but it was one of his sister's who spoke. "Master Cazador has known where Astarion was this entire time — where both of you were. He has been watching carefully since you arrived in the city."

"You know what our master will do to them.” His scarred brother warned, nodding his head towards you. His eyes almost looked... sad.

“He won’t get the chance, Leon.” Astarion snarled back.

Leon raised his hands defensively, "We aren't here for them. We are here about the rite. The master needs you. You must attend."

Astarion scoffed, "Oh, I am well aware of what the master needs. But don't we all deserve better?" His features were contorted in a strange mixture of emotion. "After these centuries of torment, I know what you all want. More then power. More than to walk in the sun. You want to see him dead."

The desire for revenge, for Cazador's death, did not surprise you. He had said as much, and bluntly too. You had agreed that Cazador deserved such a fate after the years of abuse and exploitation he had forced upon Astarion.

"If you think I will be a willing sacrifice for him and his deranged ritual, you really are stupidly blinded by him."

"Sacrifice?" Aurelia stepped forward, shaking her head. "No, this is our way to cheat undeath."

"Is that the lie he told you?" He sneered.

"I-"

Astarion's lips curled up, "You're all fools. You think he cares about us? You think he will grant us such power? We are nothing but pawns to be slaughtered for the king — one final, grand maneuver so he can win the game."

His four siblings shook with disbelief. "The master doesn't need to lie to us. He controls us, fully. Why go through the trouble of giving us hope..."

Leon got there first, his face crumbling. "Because its more cruel... shit."

The vampires exchanged a look — a look between siblings that you knew well. One that you had shared with your own brother many times. A silent conversation had happened between them in an instant.

"That manipulative bastard." The other female finally spoke, her words a hiss between her fanged teeth.

"How did we not see this?"

Leon squared his shoulders, moving his red eyes to look back at his free brother. "Astarion is right... because we are blind fools."

"We must go before he compels us too— agghhh." Aurelia grabbed her head, her expression one of excruciating pain. "Aggghhhhh!"

"Take her." Leon commanded the other siblings who looped their arms around her, dragging her away as she fought them. But he lingered behind them for a moment, stopping to look over his shoulder and study the pair of you. To look at the rest of your companions surrounding you defensively. "Help us, brother." His voice was a whispered plea, his terrifying, red eyes wide and shining. Then with a loud crack and a sudden puff of red, they were gone.

A collective sigh escaped your party as they disappeared, spells extinguished and weapons dropped down to their sides before they turned to face both of you.

Astarion’s shoulders sagged as he realized his family had indeed left. He all but collapsed into your side, burying his face into the crook of your neck as you held him back. Really, as you held him up.

You stroked his hair as he murmured into your shoulder, “Tomorrow. This ends tomorrow.”

“Okay, my love. We’ll be with you the whole way.” You whispered into his pointed ear, returning the concerned expression of your companions watching as your hold on Astarion tightened a bit more.

• • •

Whatever you do... I just don't want to die down here.

Sebastian’s voice was echoing in his ears, his mind, and creeping down into parts of him he had just barely started to recognize again. Parts of him that a few months ago he had deemed long dead. He had to force his pink lips into a firm line just to stop them from trembling. 

This place, his so-called home was his personal hell. Every step through the fading carpets and ostentatiously decorated rooms had gotten harder and harder — until he had started to feel physically ill. Bile was rising in his throat, his back and palms of his hands turning clammy. And now, standing in the secret, buried crypt beneath — it felt like the castle above him was pressing down, screaming at him of what a luxury it had been that he was a prisoner up there and not down here. That voice in his head, that ringing, echoing voice. Gods, he wished it would stop. 

And you... you had been so uncommonly quiet. You who had lent him your strength since the moment he met you, you and your presence a steady reassurance that he had come to depend on. But his little moon who was usually so chatty and poetic, was so quiet. Your eyes were wide as you followed him through Cazador’s castle, your steps clumsy and dazed like he wasn't the only one walking through this twisted nightmare. Perhaps it was for you — realizing the realities of what he had been through.

When Astarion's composure had really started to shake, you snapped back to reality and were with him in an instant. Your warm fingers threading through his icy ones. Your voice, your soft, hushed voice using the smallest amount of words to try and put his cruel mind at ease. The words you had used were choice, but powerful. You insisted that all of this was Cazador's cruelty — not his. 

But how could he believe that as he stood in front of the cells filled with people he had brought his master? How could he deny the role he played in all of this when he could stare into the eyes of all of those victims — the stupid, innocent fools who in a fleeting moment fell for him. 

Especially when he realized how fortunate, how damn lucky, it was that he never stumbled on you on the streets of Baldur’s Gate the past year you'd lived in the city. 

Astarion stood before the precipice of Cazador’s ritual room. The grand doors that would lead to these final moments just a few steps away from him.

The fine outfit he picked for himself suddenly felt unbearably tight and itchy. The lacy neck scratching and digging into his skin, his leather shoes too restricting. He had wanted to use the clothes as a symbol to his old master — look how well I’ve done without you, look who I’ve become without you. His hands became fists at his sides, his knuckles white and half moons appearing on the soft skin of his palms as he squeezed tighter and tighter. The only way to stop them from trembling — with both fear and rage. 

“I'm here for you, love.” You whispered gently, your warm fingers ghosting the sides of his wrists as you stepped in beside him. His fists unclenched slightly as he breathed in your familiar scent, as he savored the soft caress of your skin on his. He pushed down the building sob climbing up through his chest, the urgency of the cry growing as he felt your presence surround him. "Just... remember who you are, Astarion." 

Who was he? It felt even blurrier in this sadistic crypt under the castle he used to call home. Though it never was one. A prison, that's what it was. 

And what version of him did you see? Could he really be what you thought you saw? What you thought he could be?

Astarion had left Baldur's Gate against his will — a tormented, violent, broken thing. A puppet. A slave. He thought he had returned to this city anew — a free male, softer around the edges but no longer a thing to be used. His own person.

Yet the second he felt the influence of Cazador's control, the moment he felt that familiar threat he felt as if he was falling backwards. Being backed into a corner, corralled into the cage and slapped into chains that he had rotted away in for two hundred years. 

He would not go back. 

A shudder went through him as he tried to compose himself once more, taking a deep breath that he knew he did not truly need. Looking sideways at you, he gave you a final nod. "I'm ready for this to be over." 

Something flashed in your eyes, but it was gone as fast as it appeared. You nodded, before following him through the grand doors with the rest of your companions trailing behind. 

The descent down those stairs was brutal. Time seemed to drag to such a slow that it was almost like the scene before them was frozen in time. Astarion could recognize the familiar silhouette of his master anywhere. It had haunted him long enough that he had memorized every harsh line and angle. He loosed a breath as he counted six figures bound and hovering by some form of magic — a seventh spot on the top center left open and waiting.

For him. 

"Could it be?!" The voice that plagued his thoughts, his nightmares and memories echoed throughout the large chamber. It sent hundreds of different feelings throughout his body, his flesh getting goosebumps and steps faltering for a moment on the stone stairs.

"Our prodigal son returned to us!" Cazador's voice was jovial, but there was no mistaking why. The final piece to his game had just delivered themselves to him, the sacrificial lamb for slaughter had seemingly come with no ill intent. 

Astarion would make the vampire bastard regret underestimating him.

He could hear you just steps behind him, the pads of your feet, the familiar thrum of your heart increasing as you both stepped closer and closer to Cazador's place on the central dais. He gritted his teeth, his back molars clenching down so hard he swore he heard a crunch in the back of his mouth. He lowered his head, looking up at the monster that had ruined him through his eyebrows. 

"Do not slouch before me, boy! Have you no respect for yourself?" Cazador snapped, waving his hand dismissively at him. "Look at you, crawling back after abandoning your family. You should be begging for our forgiveness."

"I will do no crawling, nor begging." Astarion snarled, baring his teeth slightly. "And forgiveness? Really? You have never forgiven anything. Every mistake, every slip was punished."

The bastard had the audacity to roll his red eyes, "I strove for perfection in all things — even those as imperfect as you. A pity you amounted to so little, despite my efforts." 

"No!!" He roared, stepping forward once more as he pointed his finger. "No, fuck you and fuck everything you've ever done to me!" 

Cazador raised a single dark brow before letting out a humorless laugh, "You stupid, little boy."

"You son of a bitch!" Astarion couldn't stop the explosion of anger that coursed through him and he charged forward. His pale hand formed a fist as he launched himself at Cazador but a flare of red magic suddenly froze him in place. His body stopped completely, caught mid-lunge with his fingers still curled in a punch. 

He heard a strangled whimper from behind him. It was you, the sound one he had rarely heard — one of you paralyzed from fear. 

But the master mercifully ignored you, only having eyes for his spawn. He smirked as he surveyed Astarion trapped in the swell of magic, "Tut, tut." He clicked his tongue, "Did you think it would be that easy?" 

Astarion let out a groan of pain as he tried to resist the red binding power that started to form around him. Tears began to prickle in the corners of his eyes as they began to squeeze and cut into his skin, seeping into him slowly like a dreadful poison. 

"Astarion!!" His name ripped out of you at his pained cries, stepping forward onto the dais to intervene. The agony in your voice was more unbearable then what he was currently suffering. 

He was a fool to bring you here, to ask you to help him. He had served them all to Cazador on a silver platter.  

“Oh?" The ancient vampire's voice had a hint of wicked glee in it as he turned on his heel and set his eyes on you, with the rest of your companions lingering just behind you. Like he had just finally bothered to notice your presence. "And who do we have here? Your little pet, Astarion?” 

You froze in place, but stood up slightly taller. He watched as you jutted your chin forward, setting your shoulders back as you refused to cower in front of him. Even if he could scent your fear from here.  Then the old master slinked around you, his chest almost brushing your back as he inspected you head to toe. Your jaw set as he circled behind you where you could not see, but you did your best to keep your face neutral.  “And what’s this?” Cazador asked with a flicker of false humor. 

Astarion hissed as the vampire stepped even closer, bending down to eye his puncture marks that had scarred on your neck. “You finally gained enough courage to feed from a being capable of thought? Congratulations, spawn.” Then he took in a large inhale, “And quite an appetizing pick too, they smell absolutely delicious."

His glowing red eyes snapped back to Astarion as he remained behind you, looming over your shoulder. He was gauging every reaction from both of you, he knew.

Studying. Calculating. Deducing. 

Like any manipulative vampire would.

"But it seems my dear boy, you’ve been double dipping with this one haven’t you?” He made to grab your silver hair and Astarion felt his mind go berserk.  “DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THEM!” He roared, pulling hard enough on the magical red tethers around him that they flared and flickered for a moment. 

An evil grin contorted his master's fingers as he still put his long fingers through your hair and pushed it behind your ear. The action revealed even more of your neck so he pressed his prominent nose against your pulse point, inhaling deeply. “Your scent is all over them.” You shuddered involuntarily, your face wincing and flinching away at his cold touch.

Astarion growled, his fangs barring and snapping at his old master. “Oh, so upset. They are your favorite little pet aren’t they?" A long finger nail dragged down your jaw. Astarion's eyes were glued to yours, your body seemingly immobilized from fear — for both yourself and him. Cazador cocked his head as he watched the pair of you before letting out a scoff. "You fool, you fell for your snack instead. What a pity... for once I was almost proud of you.”

He finally let you go, wiping the fingers that touched you off on his jacket like you were a worm he had picked up from the dirt. He licked his lips as he approached his spawn again, still frozen with his scarlet magic that buzzed and echoed with authority throughout the entire chamber.  “Well, I can give you one last comfort, since I am such a generous master." He whispered into Astarion's ear, both of their eyes locked onto your worried expression. "Once you and all your siblings are nothing but pulp... I’ll treat your special love extra carefully. I’ll be so lonely since the rest of you will all be gone. But this one… they will make for a delectable companion."

Another growl escaped from deep in his chest, but the sound was caught as Cazador wrapped his long fingers around his pale throat. “It’s a pity I have to lose you. So much work, so much time... gone. But my new companion will do a much better job than you, with a pretty face like that no one would resist? I mean, even you didn’t.” He hissed in his ear. 

"ENOUGH!” You barked, stepping forward closer to him with your mouth and brow set in a hardline. "Release him, Cazador, at once."

The bastard only smirked and snapped around to meet you, "Ha. Or what?"

"This all ends here. You end here." You did not stutter or stumble. Your voice was strong and carried across the chamber. Your companions stepped up behind you, hands moving at their sides as they readied their weapons and spells at your word. 

"Is that so? You are willing to risk death for him? A wasted, mistake of a spawn? A stupid, little boy?"

Your nostrils flared, your eyes shining with familiar power that was now coming off of you in waves, "I would do anything for him."

"Stupid mortal." Cazador barked, his lips curling in disgust. "I forgot how foolish you can be when you fall in "love". But not to worry... I'll train that right out of you." He twirled back around dramatically, looking at Astarion as he held onto his staff tighter. The red magic swirled and brightened around Astarion, squeezing him so tightly he felt as if may be crushed from the inside out. "You truly forgot my power, Astarion. You truly thought our bond as creator and creation was all that stopped you from killing me. You are weak, my child. You are a small, pathetic little boy who never amounted to anything. But today, you will finally do something worthwhile. You will burn, and I will ascend."

The vampire master flicked his wrist, and Astarion was soaring across the room — completing the final spot in the ritual circle. The entire chamber room suddenly lit up with the red light, a enormous sigils swirling underneath Astarion and the rest of his siblings as they hovered in mid air. Their tops suddenly shredded from the force of the spell as their naked, scared torsos were revealed — the scars littered across them glowing the same scarlet as the patterns beneath them.  

"ASTARION!" His name was a roar from your lips again as you surged forward, hands outstretched for him across the ritual floor.  

"Witness the birth of the Vampire Ascendant! Ecce dominus!" Cazador's staff slammed down onto the marked stone floor. 

And pain like nothing Astarion had ever felt went through every part of him. 

Read the next chapter: here

[monacos-darling]

ive been thinking about hanahaki rosquez and ong marc getting that surgery its giving the abo abort that baby discourse like bitchhhh he ain't gonna suffer thru allat unless the surgery has a MASSIVE recovery time and also a MASSIVE cost personally. and even then it'll only be a seasonnnnnnn (which he wins! half a lung and a dream and still lapping 2 tenths in front of the entire gird my goat) and is that enough for them? like even if the flowers were in valeeee (eye do think. he is delulu enough that it wouldn't happen. also its about the person believing the other does not have feelings for the them marc is tooooo obvious for that like bitch is staring at vale w fuck me eyes after a single HINT is dropped about vale taking him back he's literally looking at vale every week like pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. but what IF!) IS HE GOING TO CONTACT MARC? like he's is nottttt contacting the devil pleaseeee he's is getting Off that bike and Getting That Surgery. like pregnancy au he is trying to convince everyone he's virgin mary he is joking to everyone this is due to his feelings for his unfulfilled 10th championship he is deluding himself into believing its NOT for marc. but if they decide to keep it they are NOT telling each other vale is finding marc fainted in a bathroom toilet with petals scattered around him aesthetically and there's a whole blood stained flower next to his mouth laying on the marble slated floors like a painting at the yearly gala (alex is. indisposed for unclear fanfiction plot reason. don't ask) marc is finding out through gossip sites he is committing corporate espionage he is bribing the yamaha doctors to find out whats happening and why vale is so sick. reconciliation is not happening without a major MAJOR intervention and honestly aus are such a fun way to imagine what could have been.......

ALSO! i love imagining rosquez in situations bc they are both so fucked up no one have even a close to normal reaction about itttttttt. i DOOOO think however that if the surgery makes the person lose feelings FOREVER it might be different..... marc who loves SO deeply and SO hard and is (in my head) a romantic at heart never being able to feel again...... vale. who makes decisions from his hearttttt (ducati. just to name one) losing all feelings FOREVER! well i don't think any of them would take it. but then again would ANY sane person take it .? also I've never been able to figure it out like do the flowers just never stop growing once theyve appeared? would therapy help.... what even happens when they find out the feelings are reciprocated ? flowers just magically disappear? like PERSONALLY i think having a recovery period where the flowers roots (symbolising the DISTRUST the BELIEF that the s/o doesn't have feelings for them) detach themselves from the lungs thru constant repetition of their loveeeee (whump!!!!!! hurt comfort!!!!!! #putmenthroughkidnappingsagain2024) and they have to cough up their remaining flowers in order to start healinggggg is SO fun. i love pain :)

all this to say i think more people on here should start writing hanahaki aus there's one fic on ao3 that FUCKS but also hasn't been updated since 2018.... ao3 user zjemciciastko if ur still on here and still alive dm me.... i love u...

[veryrichbitchh]

Let’s chat.. i am a black woman and I recently found out about ‘divesting’ from YouTube and that was the nail that broke the camels back for me. I’ve been getting so many signs saying leave SW FULLY from God.. I was fighting too hard to be handed a luxury life (that is not actually luxury) and not working for it for myself, righteously. Honestly… why are so much of us trying to sell p*ssy instead of getting ahead in life by doing the hard work that won’t leave our soul feeling rotten…?

So, I’ve accepted SW as a phase in my life. My Holy Spirit has been wanting me to stop but my body/flesh did not want to let go of it. I need to believe that God can solve my problems and have the highest faith in Him only, and serve no other gods.

Be careful who you bring around you also, friends can lead you into that lifestyle and it happens quickly. Around age 21 when I let superficial friends that only care about designers, men, etc… get around me and essentially corrupt my mind. Be careful because you can easily get sucked into that life of shallowness and do things you should not to keep up with the shallowness. It happened to me, led me to spend above my income and in turn, it led me to thinking money, rich men,luxury trips and dates, drinks, etc… can validate me. Then came me turning to older white men since I live in a city where the men with money are generally white. Even if marriage wasn’t the goal for me most times with them , it is truly embarrassing to be so strung out/in the sunken place (lol) that I thought being with a 70,60,50+ year old white man (especially in public) is okay. (I’m in my 20s!!!) I even at one point thought marriage was in the picture with them… lol. I was about to allow myself to enter that mindset when I know that’s not what I want. I know for a fact that I deserve better.

The lifestyle of the sugar baby, sw'er, whatever, I've been invested in for so long and I am just tired of faking that it is .. idk the word . Tired of faking that it is “all that”. Idk the word .. but you get my point (maybe). And I’m not saying it was an entirely horrible experience… but at the end of it all you don’t gain much. (What is it to gain the whole world and lose your soul.) and I feel God never let me get fully invested (face out) either like He kept me protected. My Holy Spirit had me understand through the whole journey that this is not forever and to not let my mistakes linger for life that I actually start to embrace the mistakes.

But thinking back to it all, what was it for? Because I could have put all that time into a more l*gal and profitable business that I am actually proud of , but I chose not to… I chose the “easy” way out which was not so easy especially when the income is sporadic. Maybe it was the thrill. It was like a high. A drug almost. This is a lot to unpack babes.. The devil wanted me to give even more than I gave to that lifestyle and I gave a lot… but nothing God cannot return.

Anyway, babes, I have so much on my mind but I am choosing to work on businesses, study/figure out how to pass my exams, take trips, learn the righteous way I can live my life, travel, lean on God always and just being at peace. I am so at peace right now it's amazing. I am okay with my past because without it i would not come to this realization and I am thankful for the Grace of God that his kindness led me here. So, ladies, the summary is, work for what you want that is beneficial for your Holy Spirit. I am no longer in sw and will continue to write updates here and there! <3

And yes I still very much am a Very Rich B*tchh😘

-VRB

[bastart13]

Hi!

I wanted to say thank you for the wonderful work you've done and are still doing to bring back Love & Legends.

It's hard to explain, but it really was a little heartbreaking when the App closed; more than a few stories in there were quite comforting to read and re-read, and to have them gone like that was sad.

Love & Legends was especially close to my heart, so imagine what a gift it truly feels to see it coming back and in such a wonderful new light! I did look online for the backups of my fave route from it (Helena's), but needless to say this is infinitely better!

The art you made for it is absolutely brilliant and so much fun. I love the style, the choices you made and especially the outfits. Your take on it is even more appealing to me for several reasons: the main character looks more mature, there's more variety in body types, the details and additions are lore-friendly and fun, the world-building and different cultures are enriched through new clothing designs, and the proportions look more realistic.

Overall, it feels like a more detailed, lore-friendly, and refreshing version of the original, and I love every aspect of it. The redesign is also very respectful of the original, which I appreciate.

I'm also obsessed with the changes you made, such good choices all around. For one, of course Lennox is a fairy, that little shit. And lightning scarred MC? Well yeah, how could she not? Helena's withered hand? Sick. Reiner literal EVERYTHING?? Fuck yes. August hair my god thank you for saving his soul (also his armor looks so good). Iseul's whole family serving c*nt, I love it; their clothes are delicious. Altea's belly! How fucking cute! And her gear is so pretty, ugh! Saerys’ body marks!!! Yes and thank you! EVERYONE NOSES!! THEY CAN BREATHE!!

I love everything. And the coloring slaps. I could not not mention that it slaps.

I could go on forever, honestly. I'm truly grateful that you're sharing this with us – you're an unsung hero.

I always felt that Love & Legends had so much potential and that there was a lot more to explore with its writing and characters. It's clear that the time and compensation for the people working on it were limiting factors.

I’m excited to keep tabs on your updates and everything else you decide to share! I also have questions/curiosities, but erm… I think I talked enough, sksk!!

Thank you again. You rock. Take care u.u.

Aw, this is genuinely making me emotional. I've been thinking of this project since 2021 for so many of the same reasons.

I care about these stories so much and I really wanted to approach it from that angle, redrawing characters as how I remember them rather than ever disrespecting the original, so people can both get into it for the first time or revisit it without getting turned off. I'm really happy that seems to have worked!

[lonelychicago]

april's fics masterlist! 💌

unbetaed, unedited, unhinged

This is a list of all most of my published buddie fics for the 9-1-1 fandom (will be updated as needed).

I hate accidents (except when we went from friends to this) | teen and up | 4.2k words

"What did you just say?' Buck swallows thickly and reaches for the marriage certificate, passing it to Eddie. "Don’t panic but I think we might have accidentally gotten married." He lets out a breath, bracing himself for the worst case scenario. 'Don't panic', he says, which is rich coming from Buck since he feels like all he'll be able to do for the foreseeable future is panic. Eddie doesn’t react, which is kinda great and definitely something Buck can work with, but he’s also honestly a little worried Eddie went catatonic. “Married?” Eddie repeats, in a hollow voice. from the tumblt prompt: "Don’t panic but I think we might have accidentally gotten married."

i'll heal eventually (but faster if you're next to me) | teen and up | 19.2k words

School Nurse Eddie and the idiotic Gym Teacher Buck that keeps getting injured.

we are a fresh page on the desk (filling in the blanks as we go) | teen and up | 29k words

Buck's a best seller author under a pen name, Eddie is an actor auditioning for the movie adaptation of his books, and somewhere along the way, they fall in love.

made my way to a life i would choose | explicit | 34.9k words

In which Eddie transfers from his station to the Dispatch Center to be the LAFD Liaison, change is hard, staying away from Dispatcher Evan Buckley is even harder and not falling in love with the man is god-damned impossible. Eddie makes his way to a life he would choose and to a family who will choose him back.

he never thinks of me (except when i'm on TV) | mature | 18.1k words

In which Eddie finds out years later that his unrequited feelings for his high school best friend were not actually unrequited, Buck is stupidly famous now and they pine. They get there in the end, they just need to get their timing right. Inspired by the prompt: “you’re famous and just got asked if you were ever in love this should be good– WAIT WHAT."

it can't be unlearned (i've known the warmth of you) | teen and up | 4k words

Buck gets attacked by hunters on his way to Eddie's, Eddie takes care of him and some revelations come to light in the morning.

spinning faster than the plane that took you | teen and up | 9.2k words

Buck flees to the other side of the world, they're both miserable and also pining idiots in love. Somehow it all works out in the end.

the way you move is like a full on rainstorm (and I'm a house of cards) | explicit | 2.7k words

Buck and Eddie play strip poker and things get a little out of control. It's for the best, though.

trust me to take you home | teen and up | 2.2k words

"Listen," Eddie clears his throat. "Thank you for doing this. I—" "Thank me after we get out of this alive." Buck leans forward, his face just a few inches away from Eddie's, he has a conspiratorial glint in his eyes and his cheeks are flushed— Eddie should get an award for how strong he's being right now, seriously. It takes everything in him not to close the gap between them and kiss Buck right then and there. He could do it, though, with the excuse of people watching. They need to keep the charade, right? When Pepa kept setting him up on awful, horrible dates, and Buck offered to pretend they were dating— well, how could Eddie ever refuse something like that? The chance to get a taste for what he's been aching and longing for since forever, even if it'll end up with his heart more broken than it already is. It seemed like a good idea at the time, alright? Eddie's never claimed to make smart, sound decisions. or: there's a wedding in texas, a meddling tía pepa and only one bed. somehow, it all works in the end.

called my bluff (and saw through all my tells) | explicit | 2.3k words

eddie knows exactly how long buck was dead for and buck doesn't really know what to do with that information— so he does the logical and sensible thing and fucks the guy.

believe in one thing (i won't go away) | mature | 24k words

"I think— I think we should go to therapy. Together." Eddie says one night and takes Buck completely by surprise. "Therapy? Together?" "Yeah, like, couple's therapy or something. Frank told me he can recommend someone for us." "Eddie…" Buck says slowly, as if he's trying to explain the hardest math problem in the universe to a five year old. "We're not, uh— We're not a couple." "No, I know." Eddie frowns and looks down, fidgeting with the beer in between his hands. "But we're partners." He says, this time a lot lower that Buck barely hears it. "Right?" or: the one where buck is figuring out stuff after waking up from a coma, eddie misses his best friend and they go to couple's therapy.

I woke up just in time, (now I wake up by your side) | teen and up | 2.9k words

"Fine, I'm his fiancé." Eddie rolls his eyes and ignores the stares of his teammates behind his back. "It's fairly recent, we haven't had the time to finish the paperwork. Are you really not gonna let me see my fiancé?" or: Buck is in a coma, the nurses are being difficult and Eddie pretends to be engaged to Buck so they would let him see his friend. prompt: what are the ethical implications of pretending to be engaged to a comatose man?

romance is not dead (if you keep it just yours) | teen and up | 2.8k words

Buck went on a mysterious date, he's being oddly secretive about it and his family is just too meddling to let it go. (Eddie is having the time of his life.)

i've spent my whole life trying to put it into words | teen and up | 4.1k words

5 times Eddie was in a car with Buck, trying not to tell the man he loves him +1 time he says it. prompt: you're in a car with a beautiful boy and you're trying not to tell him that you love him.

I'd marry you with paper rings | general audiences | 1.7k words

In which Buck has thoughts about Valentine's day, he makes paper rings and somehow ends up proposing to his best friend. It kinda works out for him in the end.

I'm so in love that I might stop breathing | teen and up | 5.5k words

In which Eddie's parents come to visit, Buck is an idiot and as always, a family dinner goes wrong. BTHB Prompt: Allergic Reaction

my hands are shaking from holding back from you | explicit | 7.5k words

5 times Eddie sees one of Buck's thirst traps/nudes. Inspired by the prompt: whoops I accidentally found a naked/sexy selfie of you on your phone and fuck how am i supposed to function around you now?

pining and anticipation (I don't want you like a best friend) | teen and up | 3.3k words

"So teach me. Show me the Buck 1.0 moves or whatever." He grins at him and moves his hand, brushes his knuckles against Buck's forearm— ghosting over his skin. Buck gets goosebumps and pulls away, nearly falling off his stool. When he straightens, wincing, Eddie is grinning at him, delight all over his face. "Who doesn't have game now, Buckley?" or: Buck inadvertently challenges Eddie to try to hit on him by laughing at the fact that the guy has no game. It ends up being the best thing ever.

the songs i wrote as your other (are the best i´ll ever sing) | explicit | 7.4k words

“Should we take this new romantic love song to mean there’s someone new in your life?” “No.” He flashes another smile, all teeth and confidence he doesn't really feel inside. But he feels the weight of the cameras on him and the weight of Eddie's gaze against the side of his face; he needs to keep the act up. “Trust me, you don’t need to be in love to write a love song. It’s ingrained.” He glances at Eddie. or; Buck and Eddie are in a rock band together and have this friends with benefits thing going on. They try to keep things casual... except Buck keeps writing love songs about Eddie.

this is my idea of fun (playing video games) | explicit | 5.1k words ( co-written with @cowboy-buddie )

Eddie’s just trying to enjoy a day off filled with video games, but when Buck comes home, well, he has a diffrent sort of game in mind.

it's what my rotting bones will sing when the rest of me is dead | teen and up | 12.4k words

the one where a call goes wrong and leaves everyone thinking eddie was dead, buck finds about the will through a letter and comes to some other revelations in the process. and in which eddie finds his way back home and finally gets to be happy with the love of his life. BTHB Prompt: Missing and Presumed Dead

situations, circumstances, miscommunications ( i just may like some explanations ) | teen and up | 4.3k words

from the prompt: We're best friends and have been dating for over a month now but you won't kiss me so should we just break up and just be friends? But turns out you didn't know we were dating

the night i nearly lost you (really thought i'd lost you) | teen and up | 2.9k words

"Buck! Buck, baby! Stay with me, okay?" Eddie. Eddie's voice washes over him like a warmth blanket, comforting and grounding even amongst all the pain and fogginess. "Buck! Buck!" The screams calling his name pierce through Buck’s skull like a freight train. The pain pulses behind his eye and echoes down his spine until it falls into the churning waters of Buck’s stomach. Nausea rolls through him and he groans, closing his eyes. or: The woman sleep driving her car into the station goes a little faster and hits Buck... Eddie doesn't handle it well. BTHB Prompt: Ambulance Ride

I'm the one on the phone as you whisper | teen and up | 1.2k words

Buck's date cancels but he has already made the restaurant reservation, so he decides to call Hen and ask if she'd like to take Karen there. He dials the wrong number. It all works in the end.

i don't want to keep secrets just to keep you | teen and up | 5.5k words

Buck insists on keeping their relationship a secret for longer than Eddie thought they would. It causes some problems... until he finds the reason why.

[qcomicsy]

Real Talk

Hi, it's Q. Hey I don't think I ever made a post like this before and now I regret it, because I feel like as much as I appreciate the light heartedly tone of this blog, I cannot pretend to be well and try to engage normally when I am not.

For a while I've been leaving you all in the dark with my projects, in part because I was working in something big and got constantly side tracked. In part because I was ashamed.

Without getting much details regarding my personal life, I've been reaching a burn out related to personal matters. Where I don't have time nor energy to post as much as I wanted to. It's a thing that honestly is making me sad and miserable, I tried to keep updating and pushing as much as I can but I realize I cannot and I will take a break. Reaching to the point of burn out and lacking the quality of the posts and projects I make it is not what I want. And I won't do that. And keeping this blog empty with one or another reblog is not what I want either.

Separately I am also feeling frustrated with DC and other comics content related to my favorites, I am not sure if engaging in cannon now makes me happy and with the little energy I have interacting with fannon or fan work posts haven't been as exciting or full filing as it used to be.

I don't think it will be forever. But I am sure I need time. And that's what I will do for the sake of my mental and physical health.

Other important Talk

Many families in Gaza have been reaching out for me in my asks and dms, they're are in need of help and every share and post matter. And as much as I want to post every time I receive an ask, I also have been dealing with hard responsibilities in my personal life, and my mental health.

So I will share the gofunds, when I have time. I am prioritizing in making posts and after fact checking if it was vetted and by who it was.

I wish I could help sooner, I wish I could do it more. Every time there's an ask sent I wish there it had a way of being more present, of having more tools capable of solving and helping every matter I see. Unfortunately I am only human, and I can't post every day or at the moment I receive, as much as I want.

If you sent me an ask regarding a fundraising please understand that I will post it as soon as I can.

Sending the same ask twice won't make me post sooner, since I've been dealing with an almost full schedule in my personal life and a real bad mental crisis regarding my anxiety. My constancy of posts will depend fully on the responsibilities that I am dealing with right now.

[tgirljessilina]

New intro post (Got tired of updating the old one)

I've been updating the same pinned post for way too long and I'm bored of it, so I'm just making a new one.

Name's Judith! You can still call me Jess if you remember that pseudonym, I don't care rofl. Still a Jessilina fangirl even now but honestly I'm a bigger fan of Jessilee (Shame that they both stopped performing :{ ) I don't think I'll ever stop liking either of them, even though its been years now.

I've been on this hellsite since 2012 and I unfortunately have no plans to leave.

I've got two Pokemon now! Good Ol' Perseus the corviknight's still here, but now I've got a Solrock too! Their name's Hylia.

Also the blinkies from my old pinned post because I'm too attached to them to get rid of them:

[MYSTERY GIFTS are ENABLED for this account!] [PELIPPER MAIL is DISABLED for this account!]

// ooc under the cut

All blinkies above were made on blinkies.cafe! Go check it out!

Hello! @act11as here again with uh. The blog that I was not planning to make! Yeah, oops!

My rotomblr hub account is @battle-subway-aftershow!

OOC posts will be green tagged as #ooc and #moth's yapping to avoid confusion, and all triggers will be tagged as #[word] tw for convenience!

The main "gimmick" of this blog is that it's not someone's new account, but instead an account that's been around for over 10 years. Feel free to pretend to be an old follower/mutual/etc, that's part of the fun!

Mod's a minor, muse is an adult. don't be weird, or die by my blade (get mocked relentlessly)

Boundaries/Guidelines:

*ALMOST ANY kind of Pokemon Irl blog can interact! Eeby deebies, sapient pokemon, evil teams, whatever! Judith will probably humor you! She's used to rotomblr weirdness.

*Self-Insert fallers, please do not interact. I personally cannot handle these kinds of blogs. Self-insert ocs are fine, but the idea of a real person on rotomblr being isekaid into Pokémon is not.

In-Character anon hate is fine! I have the right to not answer everything however, so don't expect your ask to get answered.

I dunno just don't be a dick? That's all I really have to say lmao- of course being mean ic is fine but just like, don't go too far yknow?

Organizational tags:

[name] the [pokemon] - Easy way to find posts about one of Judith's pokemon!

Judie rambles - General posting tag

From the archive - Will likely be used in the future! Since I can't create a 10+ year long posting history, "old posts" will be under this tag!

Extras:

Mystery Gifts are open! Feel free to send stuff to Judith, she loves it (and will try to send things back if its off of anon!)

Pelipper Mail, un-mail, and Malice are off! Feel free to ask her why, she definitely has a few words about it.

Musharna mail, (sending dreams) and Musharna malice (sending nightmares) are always on! Go ahead if you want to, this is really fun!

Magic anons are off, unless specified otherwise (will likely stay off forever)

[yooniesim]

Hey guys! I know I've been popping in rarely to say hi, but I've been so inactive I thought I'd give a little more extensive update.

I didn't wind up getting that job I was talking about (yet? I haven't technically been rejected but ya know how it is these days...), but I have been focusing a lot on other work. I'm not going to go into the details for their privacy, but I have a second dependent now and the need for money to support them + lack of ability to be on the computer much means I haven't really had any time for sims at all. I'm hoping that will change soon as I get an older computer fixed up for them to use so I can get back to mine now and again, because I really miss making cc and talking with yall!

I'm not gonna lie, the financials have been really, really tight with all this + some attorney fees for a separate issue related to my father's passing (fraud & negligence, to say the least) and stress has been high. And yet, at the same time, I feel like I've been a lot happier since I've been medicated and spending more time with family. So, it's overall a bit up and down lol. I feel like sims would be a comfort to me as it always has been, especially now that there's nothing financial directly linked with it, but it's just a matter of finding the time honestly.

I have the set I was working on in February about halfway done, and I think it wouldn't take long for me to finish it now that I have most of the base meshes finished. When I get PC time, that's the first thing I'm gonna do :) also, if there's anything that needs to be updated/fixed, please let me know- I'm not up to date on any patches obv or anything that has happened here in the last few months, but if something broke, I'll get to it as soon as I can!

Yall know I could ramble on forever, but I'm gonna end it here lol. I hope you all have a good day :)

[andreafmn]

Running in Circles | Chapter 9

Word Count: 3.6K

Summary: (Y/N) Rossi is following in her father’s footsteps by joining the BAU team as a profiler. The girl genius knew almost everything but she could have never predicted falling for Aaron Hotchner, her boss, and her father’s friend. in their world mutual feelings are not enough to push them together. Will all the adversities and obstacles they face pull them together or push them apart forever?

A/N: can't believe it's been over a year since I updated this story. It was one of the first I ever posted but quickly got disheartened by it as I tried to follow the show's timeline (which is non-existent, honestly). I'm trying to get through season 6 as fast as I can because I've already written chapters for afterward, but I need to tie it into the show. Honestly considered putting the story on hold but I got the chapter done 😊😊 Also need to go back and edit this story, especially regarding the POV

<- Previous | Next ->

As if by divine intervention, (Y/N)’s phone started ringing. The vibrations matched the fluttering of her heart as she prayed that Hotch could have been thinking about her at that moment as well. Maybe then she could trick herself into believing that fate was playing its cards right.

“Hey, baby girl.”

“Derek,” she sighed quietly, trying her best not to voice her disappointment. “What’s up? Everything okay?”

“You mind some company for tonight? I got a bottle of whiskey with our names on it.”

“Know what? After the day we just had, sure.” She looked down at the pan of lasagna and decided if she couldn’t enjoy it with Hotch, she’d enjoy it with a friend. “I’ve got some lasagna going in the oven we can eat.”

“Sounds perfect. I’ll see you in about fifteen minutes.”

After the phone clicked, she decided the most prudent thing would be to send Hotchner a text message thanking him for the food and saying she’d update him on everything tomorrow. After everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours, she needed a moment of calm and clarity. A moment with certainty rather than mixed signals and stolen glances. She just needed a moment to breathe.

As any evidence of the day shed from her skin in the shower, a loud knock rang through the house. She quickly stepped out of her bathroom and slipped on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie before she ran down the stairs to be met with Derek already inside the kitchen, digging a fork into the piping hot lasagna, with Spencer staring at our friend as he ate like a maniac.

“You know, if you let it cool down a bit, you can savor the taste,” Reid chuckled.

“I know,” he spoke with a full mouth. “But I wanna get drunk tonight, and I won’t do it on an empty stomach.”

“There’s some garlic bread in the toaster oven if you need something that will soak up the alcohol,” (Y/N) laughed as her two friends came into view in her kitchen. “And it’s good to see you’re putting those emergency keys to good use.”

“Sorry, (Y/N),” Spencer responded quickly. “Derek said you wouldn’t mind. We waited five minutes outside.”

“It’s fine, Reid. But you could’ve checked who was at the door.”

“Well, I didn’t want to overstep,” he shrugged. “It’s not my house after all.”

“Good to know you have boundaries, Reid,” she chuckled. “Not that they stopped either of you from letting yourselves in.”

Derek only grumbled in response, too focused on serving the plates and stuffing his mouth. (Y/N) headed to the front door, unsure of who else could have decided to drop by. And though a part of her wanted it to be Hotchner, she knew better than to live in that delusion. He was back in his home with his son, while she had a house full of friends and him on her mind.

“‘Em,” the woman smiled as she opened the door. “Derek invite you too?”

“As a matter of fact, he did. But I’m guessing he didn’t tell you I was coming over.”

“I’m just glad you didn’t use your emergency key as freely as those two boys.”

“Well, you did say we should feel at home,” Morgan grinned. “I’m just doing what you told me to.”

“First time you follow the rules, Morgan,” Emily teased. “Although I’d rather you guys break into (Y/N)’s house than mine.”

“Geez, thanks, Em,” she chuckled. “You’re lucky there’s enough food and booze to go around. But don’t go too crazy. We still have work tomorrow.”

“As if you’d ever let us go hungry,” Emily laughed. “Your Italian blood would never let you.”

“All I need to know is if there’s anyone else that will show up out of the blue.”

“Not that I know of,” Derek shrugged. “Now open up that bottle, I’m thirsty.”

By the time midnight rolled around, Emily and Derek had gone back home. They had eaten enough and drank enough the exhaustion was making their eyelids flutter. And all of them knew that the longer they stayed, the harder it would be to make it back to their homes. Only Spencer was left, curled up on the sofa, still nursing the same glass of whiskey from the start of the night. His eyes were squeezed shut, a hand over them blocking the overhead light.

“You okay, Spence?” (Y/N) asked as she sat by his head, resting it gently onto her lap. She ran her fingers through his curls, massaging his scalp softly. “You got a migraine?”

“Something like that,” he sighed. “They’ve been going on for a bit, but lately, they’ve been worse. The pain is unbelievable, and it makes me sensitive to everything around me.”

“Have you gone to a doctor? This could be something serious, Spence,” she worried. “I have a friend that might be able to squeeze you in. She’s a neurologist and…”

“I’ve got it handled, (Y/N),” he chuckled softly. “I made an appointment for later in the week. I just have to power through the remaining days with sunglasses and pills.”

As soon as he mentioned the pain, a question popped into (Y/N)’s head that she did not want to ask. It was composed of words that could only bring back horrors from his past and the mistakes he was still paying for to that day. The last thing she wanted was to resurface that horrible period, but she had to know. For his sake, she just had to.

“I haven’t taken Dilaudid,” he said before she could speak. “It hasn’t even crossed my mind.”

“How did you…?”

“You were thinking too loud,” he responded as he grinned slightly, his eyes still closed. “And you’re the only one that still asks.”

“I’m sorry, Spence. I don’t mean to be so pushy, she sighed as she stared at the way her fingers ran through the brown of his hair. “If you don’t want time to ask, just…”

“No. I’m grateful that you do.” His free hand searched for hers, squeezing it softly as he enjoyed the warmth of her skin. “I sometimes feel that the team goes out of their way to pretend that part of my life didn’t happen or that it could never happen again. But it did, and it could. Still, I know I can always count on you to look after me, (Y/N). Even if I’m a couple of years older than you, you always find a way to take care of me.”

“And I always will, Reid. You’re a part of my family, and I take care of my family,” she responded softly. “Do you wanna stay here tonight? If it’s too bad, I don’t want you driving out there in the dark.”

“Honestly? Yeah,” Spencer breathed. “I don’t think I could make it home right now.”

“Alright, then. Why don’t you head on up and take a shower while I prepare you some tea and get you a cold compress for your head?” (Y/N) instructed. “You can take any of the sweats from the guest room, and I’ll fetch you some migraine pills so you can hopefully get some shut-eye tonight.”

“Thanks, Rossi,” the man smiled, finally allowing his eyes to open, finding that she had dimmed all the lights. “Don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“And you’ll never have to find out,” she smiled. “Now, go on upstairs, and I’ll get started on the tea.”

“Fine,” he jokingly whined. “And can you not tell anyone else? I don’t want them worrying about me.”

“I won’t. Just, please keep me updated.”

“Copy that.”

As he disappeared to the second floor, (Y/N) couldn’t help but worry about her friend. Spencer had gone through things that were unimaginable. And though he came out of them with his life, they had slowly started to eat away at him. She knew firsthand just how debilitating anxiety could be to someone’s body, and it concerned her that he was downplaying his symptoms.

She set her kettle to boil as she searched for her own mixture of sleepy-time tea—chamomile, lemongrass, peppermint, and lavender. From her cupboard, she pulled out the purple and blue mug Spencer had always used since he had claimed it was able to keep his tea warm enough to sip slowly. Because apparently it had always been a big concern of his. After placing the tea infuser into the mug, she drizzled a few circles of honey to the bottom and a sprinkle of cinnamon. And once the kettle beeped, she drowned the leaves and the honey in boiling water.

(Y/N) could hear the shower running upstairs as she let the tea seep into the water, and all she could do was worry. Granted, it was something she did every single day of her life. She worried about her father spending all his time in books and his work and not enough on his personal life. She worried about little Jack having to grow up without his mother and a dad who didn’t quite believe he could do a good job as a father. She worried about Hotch, about what he did or didn’t feel. She worried about the team every time they went out on a case. And most importantly, she worried about herself and how she would ever live up to the people around her. Now, she added Spencer’s migraines to the list. If she ever made it to old age without a heart attack, she would have been very surprised.

Walking up the stairs with the mug and the pills, her phone vibrated in her pocket. She balanced the mug on the flat handrail and pulled out the device to see Hotchner’s name lighting up the screen. Her heart hammered against her chest, making her hands tremble with nerves. It was just a phone call., she told herself. He was probably only calling to thank her again.

“Hotch,” she breathed, her voice croaking more than she intended. “Hey.”

“Sorry. Did I wake you?”

“No!” she answered quickly. “I was just heading up the stairs. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, you don’t need to worry,” he assured. “It’s just that Jack wanted to say goodnight and thank you.”

“Isn’t it a bit late for him to be up?” (Y/N) smiled. “I mean, it is still a school night.”

“I caved,” Hotch chuckled. She could hear the exhaustion still present in his voice, and all she wanted to do was help him. It was all she could do. To him, she’d always be just a friend, a coworker, his colleague’s daughter. “Please don’t hold it against me.”

“I could never,” the woman laughed. “I would have probably caved too.”

“Well, then, I’ll put you on.”

(Y/N) heard scuffling from the receiver before Jack’s voice came through. “Hi, (Y/N),” he said. “I wanted to say goodnight since we couldn’t say goodbye to you. I had a lot of fun this weekend.”

“Aw, buddy, I’m glad,” she cooed. “I loved having you over. You know you’re welcome any time.”

“Thank you, (Y/N)!” he beamed. “But I gotta go to bed now. I have school tomorrow. So, goodnight!”

“Good night, Jack,” she responded. “Now, why don’t you pass the phone back to your dad.”

“Alright. Bye bye!”

“Bye, Jack,” she chuckled. “I think that kid should be heading off to bed now, Hotch.”

“He is,” Hotchner answered. “I knew he’d want to after saying good night to you. I think my son likes you more than he likes me.”

“Oh, that’s nonsense, Hotch. He only likes that I’m all fun. But he loves you. Don’t ever doubt that.”

“Thanks, (Y/N),” he chuckled softly. “I’ve been saying that a lot lately.”

“Even when you don’t have to,” the woman sighed contentedly. “Now, go on. You have to sleep too. It’s not just Jack that is up past his bedtime.”

“Very funny, (Y/N). Good night.”

“Night, Hotch.”

(Y/N)’s chest wrenched as her heart accelerated, already wishing the days before could repeat themselves so she could wake and know that he was there. But there was no point in deluding herself. The man could not and would not ever see her as anything more than what she already was. Even their job would allow it. Nothing seemed to ever align for something between them to work.

She turned to the left once she reached the top of the stairs and headed to the guest room to leave the steaming mug for Spencer to find after his shower but found him already sitting on the bed drying his hair. “Was that Hotch on the phone?” She nodded in response. “You didn’t tell him about what’s going on with me, right?”

“Of course not, Spence,” she said in a low tone as she set the mug on the nightstand. “It’s not my information to divulge. Unless it becomes life-threatening, I won’t say a thing without your permission.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” she smiled, handing him the pills. “Anything.”

“What do you think these migraines could be?” The pain behind his eyes was more than visible, it was almost palpable. “I just… what if it’s something serious, (Y/N)?”

“Serious like what, Spence?”

“What if I’m starting to lose my mind?” His voice was frail, trembling at the terrifying thought. “You know, my mom…”

“Don’t go there, Spencer. You can’t go there,” the woman insisted. “We won’t speculate until you have an answer from the doctor. So, I’m begging you, don’t go there.”

“I can’t help it, (Y/N). Either there’s something seriously physically wrong with me, or it’s all psychosomatic. Neither is a good option.”

“I know, Spence. I know. But let’s just not jump to conclusions yet. Not until you’ve gone to the doctor, and we get some type of answer. Until then, I don’t want you to think of the worst-case scenario. It’s not gonna do you any good.”

“Fine,” he sighed as his shoulders slumped forward. “Can I ask you something else? Something that is so off-topic you’ll get whiplash.”

“Go ahead, Reid,” she chuckled softly.

“Do you still have feelings for Hotch?”

The question as innocent, no ill-will behind it. But it still made (Y/N)’s breath hitch in her throat. It had been a long time since any of the people they knew mentioned her less-than-secret infatuation with the unit chief, and it made her heart race like the first time he had confronted her about it. “Yeah,” she muttered. “It’s not something that’s going away any time soon.”

“Have you ever thought of dating someone else? It might help you get over him.”

“I might not be ready for that just yet,” she sighed. “I just can’t seem to stop holding onto hope.”

“I understand. Love… it’s hard, huh?”

“It’s one thing we can’t learn from all the books we read,” she smiled sadly. “But that’s enough talk. The pills should start to work soon, and you need to sleep.”

“Thanks, (Y/N),” he smiled as he got under the covers. “Thank you for caring.”

“You don’t need to thank me for that, Spence. Again, you’re family,” she grinned. “I’ll see you in the morning, alright?”

“Yeah. Good night.”

“Good night, Reid.”

The rest of the night, Spencer’s words floated in her head. She could open her dating pool and allow herself a little venture. Hotch wasn’t waiting for her, nor had he shown a smidge of real interest in her. Holding onto him only hurt her in the long run, making it harder for anyone else who wanted to take the place he did not want. But she couldn’t. Not now. Not just yet.

After a couple of days and a two-night case all the way in Miami, Spencer asked (Y/N) to accompany him to the doctor for the reading of his test results. He was jumpier than usual, his legs bouncing at a rapid speed as they waited for his name to be called. He figured with his fingers, picking at the skin on the corners until she placed her hand on top.

“You won’t have any skin left for our next case,” she chuckled. “Don’t start jumping to conclusions, Mr. Genius.”

“I can’t help it,” he worried. “It’s all I can do. I can’t just shut off my brain.”

“Then, tell me something. Something I might not know.”

“Easier said than done,” he snorted. “You know almost as much as I do.”

“Ah, you said almost as much. So, you believe there are things that you know that I don’t.”

“Okay,” he chuckled. “Did you know that rubber bands last longer if they’re kept in the fridge? The unusual, lightly cross-linked polymer structure of the rubber used to create them react to the cold differently to what people might expect…”

“Right, the chains heat up when stretched, technically shortening them causing the rubber to contract and eventually snapping at the exothermic change,” she mused. “Cooling them would allow for a bigger stretch and life longevity because the release of energy is slower. Nice fact.”

“See, it’s not as fun with you,” he said with a soft chuckle. “The team would have been asking why I would care about rubber bands. You? You go into a simple explanation of thermodynamics.”

“Well, I ask you for a fun fact. I never said I wouldn’t analyze it.”

As Spencer was about to retort, a nurse came out to call his name, telling him the doctor would see him. He got up onto his feet, smoothing down his pants and taking a steadying breath. But he didn’t seem to do more.

“Do you want me to go with you?” (Y/N) quickly offered.

She was met with a soft smile and a gentle nod before they both headed into the office where Spencer’s worst-case scenario unfolded. The doctor told him there was nothing he could see that was physically wrong with him, the scans and the lab work all came back negative. If there was something happening, it was most likely in his head.

Those were the news Spencer did not want. They terrified him, and he let the doctor know. In his own way. “It’s not—I’m not crazy.”

“Crazy? Dr. Reid, I’m not saying…”

“I have headaches. I have intense sensitivity to light. Because there’s something wrong with me,” he asserted, his words spilling out faster than he could hold them. “Physically, not mentally. It’s not that.”

“That?”

“Listen, doctor, my mother’s a paranoid schizophrenic who’s been institutionalized. So I know very well what mental illness looks like,” Spencer continued. “Maybe even better than you, and it’s not that. It’s not.”

“Reid,” (Y/N) called as the man got up from the exam table and left the doctor with a shocked expression on his face. “I am so sorry, doctor. This topic is just… it’s a little hard for him.”

“There’s not much you can do to help someone who doesn’t want to accept their reality,” the doctor sighed softly. “Can you just see that he finds a way to manage his stress and his emotions? I truly believe this might be one of the biggest reasons for these headaches.”

“I’ll try my best, doctor,” (Y/N) smiled. “Thank you for seeing him.”

“No problem.”

She found Spencer waiting for her in the hall, his sunglasses on his eyes and his arms crossed in front of his chest. They remained in silence until they reached her car, the doctor’s pout evident on his face. She knew he was annoyed she had apologized for his behavior, but she couldn’t leave without at least giving a reason for his outburst.

“It’s not psychosomatic,” he stated. “It just can’t be.”

“Spence, we have one of the most stressful jobs on the planet. Day in and day out we see cases that astound even the most seasoned officers. And we get into the minds of the people that commit these atrocities,” she offered. “Don’t you think there is a possibility that these migraines are your body’s way of telling you that you need to balance yourself out?”

“If it was really the job like you say, all of us would be getting these headaches,” he said angrily. “But I don’t see Morgan or Prentiss doubling over because their brain feels like it wants to escape their skull.”

“Everyone is different, Spence. And I know you don’t need me to tell you this. Stress presents itself differently in everyone. Just because we don’t know how they handle their burdens doesn’t mean they don’t have them,” (Y/N) continued, maintaining the same calm tone as she cooled him down. “All I am saying, Reid, is that it might be psychosomatic, and you need to find new ways to handle your stress because I am certain this is not you going crazy. Or it might be something else, and you’ll need to get a second opinion. But regardless of what the outcome is, you can’t just get angry at your doctor because you don’t like your results, and I’ll be with you every step of the way. We’ll find you a way through this, okay?”

His stance finally softened at her words. His arms fell to his sides, and a soft smile tugged at his lips. “I was kind of an ass back there,” he chuckled. “It’s just frustrating and terrifying all the same time, and I don’t know how to process it all.”

“We take it one day at a time, Reid,” she smiled, taking a hand of his in hers. “You’re not alone in this.”

“It’s sometimes hard to remember that you’re you get than me,” he snickered. “I’m pretty sure you’ve babied everyone on the team at some point.”

“What can I say?” she laughed. “I just wanna make sure every single one of you is okay.”

And that was one thing she knew she would do for as long as they would let her. For now, her main concern was Spencer’s well-being. And she was grateful that it was enough to keep Hotchner out of her head.

Next ->

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[novelcain]

Please read 🙏

So. I mentioned in the tags of one of my first posts back that I had to announce a few things that'd probably lose me some followers, but like I don't blame anyone if you do skedaddle because I know most of you are here for the monkie (totally understandable tho)

That being said I am no longer hyperfixated on jttw/Sun Wukong and that likely won't happen again for a while cause main the thing that caused me to clock out for so long kinda left a bad taste in my brain. However I will eventually come back to it. I can guarantee that. It just won't be for a hot minute (maybe who knows I can't control my brain lol)

As for the 10 billion asks I have in my inbox rn I'll be taking screen shots of the ones that have to do with monkie and such and putting them in a folder so that when I DO get back into jttw I'll just immediately start with those. So yeah if you sent me a really long ask FEAR NOT!😃 for I refuse to get rid of any of them 🥰

With that information tho, I never really intended for this to be just a monkie blog that's just what my hyperfixation had been on since I started. But I also tried to force that hyperfixation to stay way longer than I should have so that I could keep making content that my followers would like which is a part of the reason why I needed a break for so long. I wore myself out, and I needed to convince myself that it was okay for me to make content that makes me happy too. 😌

Tho unfortunately that does mean all my current projects will be on hold and I'll be updating the titles on ao3 soon to On Hiatus. 😔

I ofc will still gladly interact with/absorb any art or writings inspired by or dedicated to my works even if they aren't something I'm currently fixated on because effort deserves recognition and I love seeing ya'lls stuff more than anything. 🥰 Same goes for any submissions with art or edits/videos.

Also I did finish my Triad AU Sun Wukong character sheet like... forever go and just forgot to post it. 😬 (I KNOW I'M SORRY! 😭) SO I'll be posting that soon once I'm done moving everything around and making things more manageable and ✨️aesthetic✨️ on the blog.

Tho that kinda brings me to the next announcement I'll be merging my art blog and my spam blog onto this blog (so many blogs😫) cause honestly 4 blogs is just too much and I just wanna vibe 😅🤚 lol

The last announcement is that once I'm done rearranging everything I'll be going through all my mentions that I've missed and checking out what you guys made while I was gone cause I heard from a few people that there's quite a bit 😊 *much excitement* (on god I need an emoji that looks like it's vibrating because I need visual representation of how I feel like imma explode sometimes)