#it gave me that same feeling like in ready player one where all the different characters were interacting and I got really excited

[alotofpockets]

In safe hands | Leah Williamson x Teen!Reader & Arsenal WFC x Teen!Reader

Where you get to train with the senior team and end up making your senior debut earlier than expected

Warnings: Reader has adhd and struggles with sensory issues. If there are any inaccuracies, please let me know!

Woso masterlist | Words: 2.1k

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Each season, Arsenal gave a handful of the academy players the opportunity to train with the senior team. You knew you had played a good season, but you never would have thought that you would have been among those players. 

The first few days after getting the call, getting to play with the senior team was all that you could talk about. You were filled with excitement for this opportunity. It was only when the day of your first training with the team was coming closer, that you started feeling nervous. 

While you knew the other academy players that were going, you didn’t know the rest of the team. To your friends you were known as talkative, hyper, and a friend to all. But you had known them all for years. You knew that around these new people, you might not be the same. The confidence you had built up over time, you would have to start building up again here.

What if they didn’t take you seriously? What if you messed up? What if you couldn’t keep up? All those thoughts were messing with your brain as you packed your bag to head to your first training with the team.

Everyone seemed nice and very welcoming to the group of youngsters, which eased your nerves a bit. After the official introductions, you all headed to the locker rooms, to get changed for training. 

With all your down putting thoughts, you hadn’t given yourself the time to properly check out the gear. While your kits were the same as the ones from the academy, you got all new ones, because training with the senior team meant you got a new number. 

Only when you went to put on the kit with your new number, you realised it wasn’t a size bigger like you usually got. You put it on anyways, you had to. In theory it was the right size, but the tightness of the fit was something that often caused you sensory overload.

You tried to ignore the way you felt the jersey cling to your skin, pushing it to the back of your mind while you tied up your boots, but with every passing second, it seemed to become tighter somehow. 

Most of the team had made their way to the pitch already, just leaving you and Freya. She noticed you fidgeting with your shirt, but figured it was just a way to ground yourself. While you were open about your adhd to your academy teammates, many of them didn’t know all the ins and outs.

“Are you coming?” She asked as she was all ready to go. You looked up at her, faking a smile. “You go ahead, I’ll be right behind you.” Freya nodded and made her way to the pitch.

The moment she left, you took off the jersey and tossed it to the ground. Feeling like you could finally breathe again. Tears welled in your eyes from the overwhelming feelings that came with the sensory overload, still trying to shake it.

“Where is y/n?” Manu asked Kim when she realised the young goalie hadn’t joined them yet. “I don’t know. Girls, do you know where y/n is?” She asked the youngsters. “She said she would be right behind me.” Freya answered. 

“I’ll go check on her.” Leah offered. Having moved up from the academy herself, made her feel closer to these young players. She had been exactly where they were now. While everyone’s experience was different, she thought that at the very least, she could offer you some advice.

When Leah entered the locker room, she noticed you quickly wiping your tears away. “Hey kid, what’s wrong?” She closed the door behind her and sat down beside you, giving you plenty of space, just to be sure. You had only met each other that morning, so she didn’t know what way of comfort you preferred. 

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” You told her, but she wasn’t convinced. “Alright.” She looked around the room when her eyes landed on your jersey balled up on the floor. “Wanna tell me what happened with your jersey then?” She pushed lightly.

There was no point in lying, so you opted to tell the team's vice captain. “Well, it felt really tight.” She nodded for you to continue. “I have adhd, and sometimes the way clothes fit can be really overwhelming.” While Leah had never experienced that herself, she wanted to make sure that you felt comfortable. 

“Okay, and did the academy kits make you feel overwhelmed too?” You shook your head in response. “Was there anything different about those?” It must all sound silly to her, but nonetheless, you tell her. “Yeah, they always give me a bigger size and the regular fit.” 

Leah got up, “Well, that seems like an easy enough fix. Come with me.” You put on your own sweater, and followed the blonde. “Where are we going?” You ask timidly. “We are going to the kit room. Get you all the stuff you need in the sizes that help you feel less overwhelmed.”

She got everything set for you. They quickly printed you a training jersey with your number on it, and told you that when you were done with training they would have the rest ready for you to pick up. 

With the new jersey, and the new found comfort in Leah, you headed to the pitch for your first training with the team. 

The weeks following your first training session went by fast. You learned a lot by training with the senior team already, and it was nice to get to know some of the girls off the pitch too. You had gotten your complete set of kits and clothes in the new size, and they had changed your size in the system, so that it would be your standard. You felt closest to Leah from the senior team. The way she didn’t just listen to your struggles, but also took action in taking those struggles away, really meant a lot to you. 

The way the training was set up, meant you would be able to play some post-season friendlies, and you were getting ready for that. But when Manu got injured in training, a small tweak in her ankle that would last at least a couple of weeks, you got an early step up to the Arsenal senior bench for the next match at Meadow Park. 

In the locker room, Leah sat down next to you. “How are you doing, kid?” You were clad in your yellow goalie kit, with a specially ordered sensory friendly long sleeve shirt in a matching colour. The staff had really shown they cared for the way you felt, even just as an academy player. 

“Excited to watch the match from the perspective of the bench.” You had been in the stands for the matches, but the bench was a different way of watching football. All you felt was excitement, the chance you’d get to play minutes were close to zero, or so you thought.

In the 80th minute Sabs made a diving save and stayed down. Everyone looked concerned as she stayed on the ground shaking her head in the direction of the bench. She was clutching her elbow as Jonas walked up to you. “You’re going on kid, go get ready.”

Kim walked you to the warm-up section with some words of encouragement before handing you off to the trainer helping you do some quick exercises while Sabs was getting treatment.

You stood to the sidelines with the official, mentally preparing yourself for this moment. The crowd you had been able to filter out on the bench, now seemed louder than anything in the world. Leah noticed the way that you looked to be frozen in place, and made her way towards you.

When Sabs was walked off, you were ushered on. Leah put her arm around your shoulder. “Just focus on me.” She said when she saw your eyes dart around the stands. She helped you get grounded as you made your way to the goal together. “What if I fail?” Leah shook her head, “You’ve got this, kid. We’ve got your back out there, you’re not alone.” 

When you got between the goalposts, you felt right at home. You put your focus forwards and to your luck, no shots at goal were taken for the last 10 minutes of the match. Leah joined you afterwards, “Look at you, your first senior minutes!” She was immensely proud of you for stepping up to the challenge, as was the rest of the team. They all came by you to say some words of encouragement or preach.

The next couple days in training were crucial. Both Manu and Sabs would be out for at least a couple more matches, so it was up to you now. And let’s just say that the last 10 minutes at Meadow Park was vastly different from starting at the Emirates in front of a sold out crowd.

Walking up to the field was the worst part, but you had your team backing you up. All of them had been great in supporting you, and trying to find ways to help you in the best ways possible. Leah and Beth were on either side of you, as you walked onto the field for warm-ups.

The roar of the sold out crowd was deafening, and you tried your hardest to block it out. Beth bumped her shoulder playfully against yours. “You’re going to do great.” Her voice was calm and confident. “Just remember, it’s the same game you’ve always played. The only difference is the number of people watching. I know they can be loud, but I’ve always tried to turn it into a motivator for me to play better. Keep your focus on the pitch like you did last week, and try to block them out as much as you can.”

“Trust your instincts, kid. You’ve been training for years. We all believe in you.” Leah joined in. You nod and thank them before joining the goalkeeper trainer. 

While you were still very nervous, the words of both Beth and Leah kept playing in your mind. You did know what you were doing, and you had to focus on that. After warm-up you had gotten used to the noise level of the crowd. Just in time for the match to start. 

Leah and Lotte walked with you to the box. The three of you were silent, but it was exactly what you needed. Just people around you to not have to walk the way on your own. The comfort of the quietness helping you calm down.

Your opponents started coming in strong right away. The weight of responsibility on your shoulders felt heavier with each time the ball came near. But the moment they broke through the defence, your instincts took over. You dived and made your first save for the senior team. 

“Nice one, kid!” Leah pats your back before rushing forwards again, so you can throw her the ball. The save gave you the confidence you needed. Each time the ball came in, you stopped it. 

0-0 at half time and you were overjoyed with the way you were performing. The nerves were still there, but you were getting more comfortable between the goalposts. Manu and Sabs were looking at you proudly when you walked towards them to head into the locker room. “You’re doing great!” and “Keep up the good work!” Were shouted your way by the pair.

You got back on the pitch with more confidence and determination. Which showed in the way you were playing. The opponents kept pushing, but you knew your role well, and performed it perfectly.

When Beth scored the first goal in the 75th minute you celebrated all the way on the other side of the field. 

And when the final whistle blew and you had played not only your first full 90 minutes for the senior team, but had also kept a clean sheet, you sat down on the field, overwhelmed with your accomplishments. 

Leah sat with you, letting you have your moment, but not wanting you to be alone. “I did it.” You finally say. “Yeah you did, I am so proud of you. You should be so proud of yourself.” You smiled, “I am.”

You proved yourself in that match and the one after. So, the only logical thing for the team to do was give you a senior contract. You knew you would be the third goalie again, after Manu and Sabs were back from injury, and that's the way you preferred it for now. Training with them, to keep bettering yourself. 

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[lucy90712]

babysitting- Gavi

"I know it's last minute but would you mind babysitting today your dad and I have to head out of town tonight we'll be back tomorrow morning I'll give you money for dinner and everything" my mum said on the phone 

"Of course I need to ask Pablo but I'm sure he'd be fine with it I'll let you know as soon as I've got a reply" I said 

It's not often that my parents ask me to babysit. My little brother Milo was a surprise to say the least but despite me being old enough to help out once he was born they very rarely ask and any time they do they always pay me like they would any other babysitter. I would love to just say yes to help them out but now that I live with Pablo in his house I don't think it's right for me to just have my brother with us without him knowing. All it took was a quick text and Pablo answered straight away saying that it was more than ok so I let my mum know she can come over whenever. 

It was then that I realised I wasn't at all ready I'd organised all of this while still in bed so I hopped out of bed and got ready at lightening speed and started on child proofing the house as best as I could. Seeing as Pablo and I are still in our teens and definitely not ready to have kids of our own his house isn't exactly child proof every piece of furniture seems to have sharp corners and there are plenty of uncovered plug sockets. Past me had thought that one day I may need to babysit so I did pre buy some things so all I had to do was find them and put them out. It took me quite a while but just as I finished doing as much as I could the doorbell rang and as soon as it was open I was nearly taken out by Milo who for someone so little has a lot of strength. My parents were in a rush but they gave me everything they have at home that I'd need before heading straight off to where they needed to be. 

In the way little kids do he had a ton of energy so I suggested we play with some of his toys that my mum had given me. It's been so long since I let my inner child take over that I think I had more fun playing with the cars and trucks pretending they were building all sorts of things than my brother did. Mostly it was just nice to see him as I've been so busy that I haven't spent as much time with my family as I should it's crazy how fast kids grow and develop new skills I feel like I'm with a whole new human not the kid I saw just a few months ago. As we were playing with some toy aeroplanes the front door opened and Pablo came in, usually I'm Milo's favourite person but as soon as you get Pablo in the mix I'm always long forgotten. Today was no different either as soon as Pablo had stepped into the living room he got the same greeting I did this morning but he saw it coming and picked up the charging child with ease. 

Despite just getting back from training Pablo suggested we go to the local park so I packed up a bag with some snacks while Pablo put Milo's shoes on which is a battle for anyone other than Pablo. We headed out and I was quickly left behind they went running off towards the park while I walked behind admiring their little bond. Pablo was definitely only running to not let Milo get too far away but as soon as they got to the road across from the park Milo stopped and waited for Pablo as he's been taught not to cross the road without holding someone's hand. They both waited for me so I jogged a bit to catch up but after that they were gone again heading towards the field to play football. As much as Pablo has spent his morning training and playing football he was still so excited to play with Milo who has just started going to practices on a weekend so was looking forward to having his new skills tested by a professional player. 

I let them play football together as my football skills leave a lot to be desired I think I may be worse than Milo who's only just started learning. Eventually I suggested that we go play in the play park which Milo seemed happy about and so did Pablo who needed a bit of a break from trying to match a toddlers energy levels. Milo wanted to go on the slides so I followed him and went up and down so many times I was starting to get dizzy. He then wanted to try the monkey bars but he's too small so I had to hold him as he went across which would be fine if I ever kept up with going to the gym but I don't so my arms got tired quite quickly. A point came where I couldn't hold him anymore so Pablo came to my rescue and suggested the swings. We took turns pushing Milo who was having the time of his life with his high we let him go, the sound of him giggling just melted my heart. 

Eventually we'd tired Milo out and he wanted to go home for dinner and then bed. He tried walking but he was just too tired so Pablo picked him up and carried him the whole way home. If the events of the day so far hadn't already melted my heart enough it definitely exploded with cuteness seeing Milo snuggle his face into Pablo's neck. Whenever the time comes Pablo is going to be the best father he's already so good with Milo and any other child he meets. The image of Pablo holding our baby the way he's holding Milo filled my brain and only made the smile on my face bigger. Of course we aren't ready to have our own children yet but days like these make me so excited for when that time comes being able to share all the amazing moments that having a child brings with the person who means the most to me is something I can't wait for. 

Once we made it home Milo just wanted to cuddle with me so Pablo took charge of cooking dinner but I did my best to help where I could. When the food was ready we all ate dinner together before I did Milo's bed time routine with him as I knew what my parents do with him every night. Pablo came back to join us when it was time for a bedtime story we both sat on the edge of the bed as I read Milo's favourite book while Pablo stroked his head until he was fast asleep. We both exited the room as quietly as possible avoiding all of the squeaky floorboards and pieces of furniture which are hard to see when the lights are off. 

We headed downstairs and both flopped back onto the sofa starting to feel the tiredness of keeping so active all day. This is half the reason we aren't ready to have kids of our own as I know we'd both be so tired at the end of the day and we like our sleep but we wouldn't get nearly enough of it. After gathering our thoughts for a second Pablo moved closer to me and got me to rest my head on his chest while he played with my hair that's falling out of the ponytail I put it in this morning. He pressed a kiss on the top of my head so I looked into his eyes which had that look in them the look they have when he's at his happiest.

"I'm exhausted but todays been amazing I can't wait to have kids of our own one day" Pablo said 

"I'm glad you say that as that's all I've been thinking about all day you are going to make the best dad when the time comes" I said 

"And you will be the best mum I just know it" he said 

"Right now though I think we wait a few years for kids I don't think I could do this every day kids are really draining" I said 

"Agreed how many kids would you actually want?" Pablo asked 

"I think at least 2 but not too many I know it's takes a toll on your body and I don't think I could handle having lots of kids" I said

"2 sounds perfect but we will have as many as you want it's your body so if 1 is enough then we will be a happy family of 3" he said 

"Until then I'm more than ok with just sticking to baby sitting" I said yawning 

"And practicing making babies" Pablo said which earned him a slap on the arm but he wasn't wrong practicing is fun 

[peaky-shelby]

NEW ROMANTICS X MBAPPÉ [13]

» summary: in which an arrogant and talented football player (the best of his time as some say) and a focused and harsh critic of a journalist are gonna have to find a way to co-exist.

» chapter 13: back to the start

» Writer's note: this chapter was especially hard to write Because we are so close to the finish line and i don't want to end 😭😭😭 hope you got tissues with you!! See you at the end!

» Taglist: @moonchildohh @formulahoe @princetongirlll818 @mavieesttriste16 @kiwisa @godessstela @hummusxx @kodzuvk @pink-manz @corbyns-smile @ippid @jayruiewo265738 @blueanfield @mrs-bellingham @sorceresski @sooblovebot  @okayymochi @army7g @j-rbps @heli991113  @markhyucksmells @chaotic-taco-collector-blog @i0veless @photmath @http-isabela @rainytelevisionfilmwagon

@formula101x @neymarloverxxx @cepolar @freespirit-51 @marialikescherries @superswaggycooch @lunasmindinwriting @shadysandwichghoul @contrastedfandom @alexxcorona113 @951am @jinsoulorbitzen12 @books-loverss @l0verl4ne @kypostsblog @bluberrycheezk @hottieluvr @calcaneous @444jodie @dudde-44 @neysgf @wallflowerjournal @p4rkyonce @toclic @kyliannnkkk  @mad-die45 @mentalbaddie @karotland @et-in-arcadia-ego77 @kymb-10

“You and Mason figuring things out again, ha?” he questioned, ones they reached the outdoor venue and hid behind a wall, so no one would see them. Taylor snorted at the comment, she could hear jealousy all over his tone, she could even feel him staring at her. She turned around to face him.

“Back to being an asshole again, ha?”

“You sure he won’t be looking for you right now?”

“What are you doing here?” she asked but the question sounded more stupid out loud then it did on her mind. Of course, he was here, he was supposed to be here with the French team. It would be weird if he wasn’t. She looked at his leg “I mean why are you not locked up in a hospital or something with that horrible leg.”

“Same reason you are not locked up in your bedroom after writing that horrible article.”

She laughed, an evil laugh. She bit her tongue annoyed, crossing her arms and looking away because that was a low blow and it seemed like they were back to their old ways. The times when they bit on each other like cats and dogs and scarred one another deep.

“I’m not doing this.” She said and walked past him. He grabbed her arm, forcing her to turn to him again, pulling her close to him. He had missed her skin, her perfume, her aura. He wished she’d go on calling him a piece of shit if that meant she’d stay for another minute with him and ignore Mason Mount. He moved his hand up her arm, making sure the contact gave away his dirty thoughts. Because he wanted her to know, he still thought about her under him or over him.

She looked at his hand, memories swarming in her mind like flies of all the times he’d done that in Paris. Kylian made a step forward, leaking his lips and looking up and down at her. She looked different. The fire in her eyes was gone, like she had no will to fight him at all.

“How did you do it?” she asked suddenly. His eyes lifted up to hers, he wasn’t sure what she meant. She pulled her arm away, replacing his touch with her own by putting her hand over where his used to be. “I can imagine but I want to know for sure. Why didn’t she release the article about us? It was ready! It would have been front page. The biggest headline. So why, did it never break out?”

“Why does it matter--”

“Because it does!” she snapped. “So, tell me, or this conversation is over.” He hesitated. Hid his hands in his pockets. She examined him, her suspicious getting confirmed while she looked at him. “How much did you give her and what else did you promise her because it couldn’t have been just money!” he didn’t respond. She went closer, slapped his arm “how fucking much, Kylian?” she asked louder, tried to hit him again but he snatched her hands—

“Arrêtés!” he yelled, his eyes staring right in hers and she tried to push him away but he pulled her closer instead, their chest bumping onto each other. She looked at his lips, it was an instinct. She craved him as much as she hated him. He angled himself so he’d have access to her lips if he wanted to, if he needed to. “I told you before you left that I’d stop it and that’s what I did. The how is not important.”

“My savior” she mumbled but there was so much irony in her voice, it made him distance himself, take a good look at her. He narrowed his eyes.

“That’s what you have to say?”

“I have a bomb over my head for the rest of my life, what do you want me to say? I Left because I was ready for it to explode and now, I have to look over my shoulder, listening to all these endless rumors—”

“You left because you wanted to ran away—”

“Yes, and you made sure I have to keep running by ‘protecting’ me—”

“Protecting you?” now he would be the one to get defensive, regretful of thinking even for a moment that he could show his true emotions for his ex coach “Don’t give yourself so much credit, I did it for me, as I do everything, hasn’t that been your complaint ever since you met me?” She didn’t answer. “I mean imagine, talented player, can’t hold himself together around an assistant. Pitiful, I’d say!” Something broke inside of her, something she didn’t know she had. He bit his tongue, tasting the poison before speaking he next words “At the end of the day it’s not my fault if you go on fucking footballers and the story comes back around—”

It was a hard slap. He’d be lying if he said that he didn’t expect it or deserved it. When he looked up again, he could see her eyes, swollen, red and tears under them. He had been the cause of that, same way she had been the cause of his aching cheek and it seemed that all the two were capable of was hurting each other, even when they wanted to help.

Trish could hear her ringtone, she knew her phone was somewhere in the bathroom stall, definitely not in her dress pocket anymore. No, that space was filled by Jude’s hands instead while he was leaving his taste on her lips, kissing every corner of her mouth. She was tied on him, pinned against the glass walls that separated the stalls and breathing him in. How did they find themselves in these situations, she didn’t know but she liked it. She opened her eyes to search for the device but a moan left her lips immediately after as she felt Jude sucking on her neck, making her forget what she was looking for in the first place. The phone went silent for a moment, the ringtone echoed again and she tried to untangle herself from the tall beautiful man but he held her tighter, his lips finding hers again.

“let it ring.” He whispered in her mouth.

“You’re being needy.”

“Bite me,” he responded quickly.

Trish laughed “Metaphorically or Literally?”

Jude pulled away only so she could see the sneaky grin on his face “both.”

Trish couldn’t hide her smile as dived in his neck, left bites on his veins. Despite their need to stay locked with each other, the phone didn’t seem like it was going to give up. Trish groaned on his neck and jumped off, she ducked and found the phone under the toilet. As she got up, Jude put his arms around her, to keep her close while she answered the call but she pulled away just seconds later, and turned around to face him, a terrified expression in her eyes.

“Oh my god—” she whispered before hiding her mouth in shock.

“I’m sorry..” it was an honest apology. It came a few minutes later after he had spoken his brutal and offensive words. She had turned her back on him, he was looking at the floor, his hand over his aching cheekbone. She sniffed in her tears, wiping them with the back of her hand. Perhaps this is how it would always be between the two, hurting and healing each other simultaneously. She nodded, knowing that she must have said worst to him at some point, so did she really have any right to be mad at him? Well… even if she did, she had no strength to. His warmth came like a veil around her, as he walked closer and embraced her from behind, his head lost in her hair. He whispered the words that she’d never admit out loud: “Tu m'as manqué.” He kissed her neck, the way he used to in her small apartment, in the city of love, the moments of sin and weakness that they shared. She let him, he kept going, she ached to turn and face him, kiss him, taste him. His fingers crawled slightly under her shirt, the skin to skin contact making both of them dizzy and she was so close to letting go of her defenses, sinking into him, an ocean that if she could breath underwater, she’d stay in forever.

She turned, their lips inches from each other, it’s that moment before jumping in the water, you know it’s gonna be cold and endless, it scares you.

“TAY!”

She moved away, behind her stood a breathless Trish and a worried looking Jude. Something was wrong, she just didn’t know what. Trish hesitated, like the words were stuck on her lips but she couldn’t find the strength to speak them. Taylor noticed the way that Jude had his hand placed on her shoulder. She moved closer to them, losing Kylian’s warmth completely. “What happened?” Trish never said it. Her eyes were loud enough. “Is he ok?”

“In the hospital.” Said Jude.

“Beth tried to call you—” taylor looked in her bag for her phone, she tried to open it but the battery had died, typical.

“Fuck!” She threw her phone back in her bag and walked away, heading to the parking lot for her car. Her heartbeat echoed in her mind. Jude stepped in front of her, his tall figure blocking her view .

“You’re not driving.” He said strictly “I’ll take you and Trish to the hospital.”

Kylian watched the scene unfold, feeling helpless yet again. He followed them to Jude’s car, only stopping when they got in. He stood by the window. “let me know how he is.”

“I will.” She said, part of her wanting him to come with her, to hold her if the worst case scenario were to come true. He gave her hand a light squeeze and he stepped back to let the car leave.

Lily Wilock, was a vibrant girl. She had long black hair, curly, like her mother’s Beth. She didn’t know a lot about the world yet. She hadn’t known any heartache in her life either, but there was something about this night. Everyone had a worried expression, the bright hospital lights were hurting her eyes and she wanted to sleep but even her mother’s hug felt weird like she wasn’t completely with her. She knew her dad, Charlie, was somewhere in one of those white rooms, sleeping because he needed more help than usual and these rooms were more relaxing than usual rooms, or at least that’s what she was told. It was the sound of quick footsteps that had her turning her head as she sat on the black couch in the hall. That’s when she saw her sister, running, Trish was with her, she was always funny. And a man that she had met a couple of times—she liked him because last time she saw him, he ha picked her up on hos shoulders and she felt like she could see the whole world from up there.

“How is he?” Asked Taylor and lily looked up at her, biting her finger while watching at the grown ups. The tall man walked up to her, kneeling in front of her so they were the same height and smiled, waving, taking her attention off the conversation that Taylor was having with her mother.

“Look at you, all grown up. You’re almost taller than me!”

Lily laughed, blushing and hiding her face “Am not!” she said.

“Yes you are look!” he moved his hand between them, making it look like hers was higher than his and the two of them laughed. It was a loud laugh that came out of lily, one that you don’t hear in hospital hallways. Taylor looked at them, remembering that she had to put a mask on for her sister. She went and knelt next to Jude, forcing a smile on her face.

“He says I’m tall!” complained Lily.

“Does he?” asked Taylor, the color of her voice coming out sadder than she meant it to.

“Look how tall you can be—” Jude picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder again and spinning her around. Trish sat next to Taylor, patting her shoulder. And she had to go against every emotion and need in her body, to not start crying because she knew exactly what was going to follow.

Trish and Jude left a few hours later, if she was in her right mind, she would have questioned them leaving together. But she wasn’t. At some point she drifted off to sleep with lily in her arms. Her mind was awake, ready to hear the alarm, but her body had given in and there was something about listening to a little kid breathing in her sleep. She opened her eyes when she felt a slight tickling on her cheek, she thought it’d be Beth and almost jumped of the couch but it was someone else. Dressed in his hoody, black sunglasses to hide his eyes and a mask to cover his features. No one else could recognize him, but she knew his touch all too well.

“Ky?” she whispered.

“hey.”

“You came.”

“You called.”

Taylor smiled, she looked at Lily who had found a hiding place in her arms and at Beth who was sitting in the end of the couch, head laid on her hand. Kylian smiled at Lily. “She’s cuter in person.” Taylor hummed in response, rubbing her eyes. “You wanna go get some coffee?” he asked and she nodded, carefully moving away from lily and getting up, she told Beth she’d be back in just a few minutes with coffee for the both of them.

Taylor was still wearing her mini dress, but Jude had left his jacket for her. Kylian would have offered his hoodie if he wasn’t scared of being recognized. They walked in silence, their fingers almost brushing as they walked. Taylor ordered their coffees but Kylian handed his card to the barista before she had time to pay. The barista took a good look at him but didn’t say anything. The two of them made their way back to where they were before, Kylian took the opportunity and interlocked his hand with hers, making her stop and pulled her in a private corner they could be alone for a minute. He moved his mask down and she took of his sunglasses because she needed to look at them. He leaned his forehead on hers, giving her any energy he had. She held his hand tighter and let her body drop on his chest, he rubbed her back, silence. That’s where the two of them thrived, that’s where they understood each other the most.

“Have you heard anything about Luna?” she asked suddenly.

He held back his smile “she’s thriving.”

“I miss her.” She paused “can you tell your friend to send some pictures?”

He stroked her hair behind her ear. “I’ll tell him.”

“thanks.” She answered and lowered her head. He noticed, sorrow returning.

“He’ll be ok—”

“Don’t say that.” She said quickly.

He hesitated “what do you want me to say?”

So many things, she thought. He brushed her hair, kissing the top of her head. “I don’t know.” He moved his hand to her cheek, lifting her head and kissing her temple, then her cheek, then the corner of her lips and she could taste the salt all over her skin.

The two started moving again, Kylian putting on his disguise like before, hiding his face and walking back to Beth but her entire body froze as she made the turn. Beth was up, standing in front of the doctor, head low, her whispers echoing in the empty hallways, lily laying on the couch, cuddled with her knees, still sleeping. Taylor’s knees couldn’t hold her up, her hands couldn’t hold the coffee cups, she dropped them, dropped herself on the floor too. Kylian tried to keep her up, pulling her hand but he didn’t insist. He let her crumble and he had never heard her making these sounds, these broken sounds, a low scream, combined with sobs and mumbling. She held on the fabric of his shirt, making a fist with her hand as she trembled, so fragile, he thought. So fucking fragile.

How do you move on from such a loss? When the hand that has been holding you through everything, turns cold. Only thing she can remember from that night is moving between different embraces, the sound of cries, hers and Beth’s. The doctor’s eyes. No one tells you about that, how the doctor’s eyes get imprinted in your brain, stay in you thought every time you try to think about the one you lost. No one tells you that even when you’re in the funeral, ready to say goodbye you think about them as if they are alive, expecting them to call as soon as the reception is over. You save a seat for them in church because you were used to saving it for them your entire life. And your last conversation remains on repeat in your head, analyzing every last word, lingering on everything they said.

“Why do you stay? You’re not even happy there.” He told her, the night before the party, the night before he left.

“I’m content.” She lied, now she whished she hadn’t. Her father coughed, it was a rough cough, she should have known.

“You’re settling.”

She looked at him, thinking about his face now, she could see all the signs, the circles under his eyes, his torn lips, his weak color. She could have saved him perhaps, if she wasn’t lost in her thoughts. “Maybe I am. But at least I’m home. It’d be the same in Paris.”

“Paris scares you for all it’s possibilities.”

“Paris scares me for all it’s dangers.” She admitted, looking down at the blanket that she had hidden under, pulling one of the loose threads, scratching her nail against it. “Should have let go of football when god told me to.”

“Since when do you believe in God?” he asked, almost laughing. “had to drag you in church when you were a kid, you weren’t a fan of it when you were a teenager either—“

“People change.” She said, but she was smiling because she knew how stupid she must have sounded.

“Yeah they do. When they are looking for an excuse.” She looked up at him, her smile fading away. “you’re forcing yourself out, telling everyone it’s your decision while convincing yourself it’s your only decision.” He always had the most brutal truths under his tongue, she pulled harder on the thread “No one tells you to turn back to PSG, but you could have a career in this and you are not chasing it—” he coughed, his voice getting raspier “I’ll always blame myself for you missing your first chance—”

“Pa—”

“Now it’s your choice.” He moved closer to her, placed his hand on her heart “it could beat forever and it would never be enough unless it’s in the rhythm you want it to. Don’t let it die in silence.”

Silence. There was so much silence as she stared at his coffin, little lily holding her arm and leaning on it, a reminder of what she was left with to protect. He was gone now, and the only thing Lily had left of him was Taylor, that gave her a sense of responsibility. For the afternoon, lily and Beth went to stay with Beth’s mother, she told them that she could pass by there at night but she wanted to home first, change. In reality all she wanted to was to be alone, think about everything and sink in her sorrow, in hopes that she’d find the bottom at some point. She parked the car right outside of her house, paying little attention to her surroundings. She got out, playing with the keys in her hands when she noticed a familiar set of shoes, and she looked up, she held her keys tighter. She was happy to see him.

“Jude gave me your address.” She nodded. “I would have come to the funeral too but I didn’t—” she raised her hand to stop him.

“It’s best that you didn’t. last thing I needed was paparazzi trying to get a picture of you. There were already whispers about Bellingham being there, I can’ imagine what would happen if you showed up.” She said while walking closer to him. She noticed he was holding a paper bag in his hands and his eyes were soft, she tried to remember if she had seen them as soft in the past. She let out a breath, like she had reached sore after a long way out in the water. She let her body fall on his chest as he shielded her with his arms. “my eyes are dry.” She mumbled “didn’t think that was possible.” He rubbed her back and lowered her head to her ear.

“wanna go inside?”

“yeah.” She whispered and the moved away to get to the door. She unlocked it, stepping in the house, expecting to hear her father’s footsteps running down the stairs, lily screaming her name, Beth cooking in the kitchen. It was empty. No sounds, no movements, just ghost. She told Kylian to leave his coat on the hanger behind the door and walked in the kitchen, ignoring the chilling silence in the house.

“Coffee or tea?” she asked, keeping her mind occupied, as she left her bag on the kitchen counter and opened the cupboards. Kylian came in a moment later, examining the art on the walls, the decorations, toys all over the floor, lily’s he imagined. There was so much color, so much coziness that he felt like he was trespassing to a home he was never invited to.

“tea.” He said, still looking around the kitchen. He could almost imagine the whole family in this room, laughing, teasing each other, a little sad that he never got to experience it with them. His thoughts halted when he heard Taylor hissing and cursing, he looked at her. She was holding her thumb rubbing it and he imagined she had burned herself. He moved closer, coming up behind her while she rumbled about how much she hated this kettle and she always told her father he must buy a new one. Her words fell sort as soon as he embraced her, pulling her to his chest to comfort her and he could almost hear the tears coming. She grasped his arm, her nails almost digging on his skin and he lowered his head to her neck, his grip getting tighter as more sobs escaped her mouth. Weak sobs at first that turned to heartbreaking noises, similar to the ones she made at the hospital. She used her other hand to rub her face, turning around and finding solace in his hug. He picked her up slowly, walked with her to the couch.

“The tea” she whispered.

“I’ll get them.” He said as he sat her down on the pillows and used the spare blanket on the edge of the bed to cover her. He went back in the kitchen for a few minutes, returning with the cups and leave them on the coffee table before finding his seat next, she moved a little forward so he’d sit behind her. He threw his arm around her, bringing her closer to him and she got comfortable on his scent, feeling slightly lucky that he happened to be here, that she was able to feel his skin on hers. She closed her eyes and breathed out a sigh, sniffing in her sadness. He kissed the top of her head and let her cry, without saying anything. He reached for one of the cups and held it in front of her, helped her take a long sip. He was wondering if she had eaten anything in the last 24 hours, he doubted it. He let the cup back on table and brought her even closer, tucking the blanket so she her body wasn’t exposed to any coldness.

“just when I think I’m out of tears—” she wiped away some with her palm, her voice coming out rough. He drew circles on her arm under the blanket and lowered his head, so he could kiss her ear. “It feels like it’s never going to end.” She said, a sob breaking her sentence, her moved her closer to him.

“It will.” He whispered. “it’ll get better.” She gazed at the wall, her mind felt empty.

“It’s not about me I’m more worried about, you know.” She admitted. She moved a little, only so she’d be able to look at him. “it’s lily.” Kylian didn’t know what to say to that, there were no right words. “I met him, I lived him.” She smiled “he was my everything for a long time, what sucks is that she…” she paused, trying to breathe through the pain “she won’t know him.” More tears came rolling down, she shrugged her shoulders “she won’t know what it’s like to have him screaming your name on the bleachers, when he—” she sniffed “tries to be angry but fails—” she laughed at the memories. He watched her carefully, stroking her hair while she spoke “and you know Beth will do a great job but she should have… she should have gotten the chance to live a life with him the way I did.” He wiped the tears for her this time, she leaned on his touch, hyperventilating. “what if she forgets him?”

“that won’t happen. At the end of the day, she’s got you for the rest of her life to remind her of him. Right?” It was so confusing that he’d ever let this woman as close, it was an unfamiliar feeling that he couldn’t translate. How much he cared about holding her together, how he wanted to cuddle her until the storm passed, there was a warmth on his chest, a realization that was settling right over his heart about how he felt about that woman. “have you eaten anything?” he questioned and she shook her head. He went to get up but she pulled his sweater.

“please.” She mumbled and he stayed where he was, didn’t move at all, if that’s what she needed, that’s what he would give her. She turned her head so her nose would be pressed against his chest. And they stayed like that for a while, tangled with each other. He felt her calming, her breathing stabilizing, she’d hold his fingers, play mindlessly with them. An electricity washed over him when she brought his hand closer to her lips and kissed it, he closed his eyes, blocking out any dirty thoughts because it wasn’t the time. “where’d you get that?” she asked suddenly and he looked at his hand, she was rubbing her thumb over a long scar he had on the back of his hand. Kylian smiled but shook his head.

“Can’t remember.”

“Did you get a cat at campus?” she interrogated her finger now brushing over a scar on his arm, that he had forgotten was there. She tilted her head back, forcing herself to smile at him “or was it a lady?”

Kylian laughed, bending his head on hers “nah haven’t met one with nails as sharp as yours yet.” Taylor snorted, closing her eyes as she enjoyed the closeness. Maybe he could help her forget for one night.

“then it must be a cat.” She hummed “I only know one that hates you as much.” Kylian bit his lip, he didn’t want to tell her, as if he would be admitting to a crime. “you said you gave her away.”

He didn’t respond. He stared at her closed eyes, waiting for her to open them so he could look in her soul. He stroked her chin with his thumb. “I said I’d try.”

She smiled, leaning closer to him, their noses brushing against each other. “Is it that hard to find a cat a home these days?”

He dug his hands under her hair. “had to be sure they deserved her.”

She finally opened her eyes, the two of them looking one another like they were about to kiss for the first time. “why didn’t you tell me?”

“I felt like I was stealing her.”

She shook her head, looked down at the threads of his sweatshirt and started playing with one of them “you could never steal anything from me. Seems I keep on giving everything to you.” He lifted her chin with his index finger, so he could lock eyes with her again. She smiled “how is she?”

“I told you, she’s thriving.”

“Buying her the most expensive cat food, are you?”

“Taking her out for walks and all that shit.”

“Do your new girls like her?”

“They never stay around too long for them to find her.”

She scoffed, he noticed the spark in her eyes returning “does she hide under the bed?”

“You remember the high cupboards in the kitchen?”

She hummed

“She stays there all day.”

Taylor placed her hand on his chest “does she sleep here like she used to when you’d come in the apartment?”

He held her hand “some nights.”

“You didn’t have to keep her.”

“elle me fait penser à toi.” [she reminds me of you.] He confessed in a warm breath that hit her face, his gaze remaining focused on her eyes. For all his fear of making eye contact, he didn’t look away even for a second, neither did she. A smile creeped on her face, he wondered if he understood what he said, the familiar heat he used to feel around her returning. Sher leaned in, connecting her lips with his, a sort, emotional kiss, a taste, a slight brush. Then they pulled away, not too much, just enough so he’d look in her eyes.

“Tu m’as manqué aussi” she said in a low tone, balancing her head on his. He couldn’t hide his smile when he heard her speak his language, he wished his could, he wished his hands were tied behind his back as well, so he wouldn’t give in to his thoughts. He didn’t have time to do any of these things because she kissed him again, this time with more force, like she was trying to steal something from him.

“Taylor…” he mumbled in between her lips. She didn’t stop. She climbed on him, getting as close as she could and he had no strength or will to push her away, he wanted this as much as she did. But something in him screamed that it was wrong, that she was too broken and he was taking advantage of it. His hands slid down to her hips, trying to put some force, so she’d stop. She moved back only an inch. He held her face. “you’re too vulnerable”

“I know exactly what I’m getting myself into…” He closed his eyes, remembering of all the times they said this to each other. Of all the times they used it as an excuse. “promise” she added, leaving a peck on his lips “I need you ky.”

He leaned in, sucking on her lips, giving her what she asked for. “are you sure?”

She nodded quickly, leaving a sloppy kiss on his cheek. Her fingers crawled under his shirt, making their way round his biceps, remembering his shape, remembering him. He kissed her, the spot right under her chin, remembering the feeling of her skin on his lips and she locked herself on him for a moment before getting off him, slowly, dragging his hand with her, signaling him to get up.

He did. Their fingers interlocking. He pulled them up to his lips, leaving a trail of kisses as she walked with him to the stairs that led to the bedrooms. He followed, silent, calm and intrigued, she could lead him anywhere and he wouldn’t complain. The reached one of the closed doors. She stopped in front of it, turning to him, he trapped her between him and the door, kissing her again, realizing how much he actually missed her. She pushed down the handle of the door, un-trapping herself and stepping backwards at her room. Her space. There was something different about being in her family house, like he had only seen a version of her in the apartment she was renting in Paris, like she had only let him in halfway through until now. She kept walking until she reached her double bed, a curtain hanging from either side. They stood in front of it, as if they had never touched each other again, like it was the first time.

In a way it was. A chance to go back to the start, when their bodies burned under the same sheets. He made a step closer and she reached for his jumper. He stopped her, his hands covering hers. “no rush” he whispered and moved her hands away. He didn’t care about his own satisfaction, even though he knew he’d get it, he wanted to be sure that he’d get her as high as possible, tonight wasn’t for the both of them, it was for her. His fingertips, caressed her cheekbone, her eyes closed, she was enjoying it. He took his time, moving his finger around her face, until he reached her lips, where his thumb dragged her bottom li. It was dry, it was colorless, he wanted to change that. So he kissed her, she tried to fasten it, but he didn’t let her. He searched for the buttons of her black cotton dress, started unbuttoning it from the bottom-up while his lips gave life to hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him deeper, forcing the kiss to last longer. She pulled his jumper again, pulling it off him, over his shoulders and exposing his muscular arms. She let the clothing item drop on the floor and stepped on it as she got closer to him, he returned to her neck, his favorite place in her body, pleasing her any way he knew how. “jump” he whispered in her neck as he instantly picked her up on his arms and sat with her on the bed, kissing the exposed skin in between her dress. His lips in between her breast working like a drug in her mind. She’d let herself in his mercy for the night. He took of his shirt, uncovering himself and she got drunk simply by the sight. She leaned on him, clinging onto him while slid the dress off her shoulders and let it fall off. Still taking his time, choosing his kisses carefully, making sure every inch of her body was touched and shivering. He picked her up and maneuvered his body, so she’d be laying down and he’d be on top. He pushed her up on the bed, so her neck would be comfortable on the pillows and toyed with the thread of her bra, debating whether he should take it off yet or not.

He chose not to, instead left kisses all over body, from her collarbone to her breast, to her stomach, he knew the way like the back of his hand, like it was home. He heard her whimpering, eyeing her before continuing his trip by kissing her thighs, both of them. There was something different about the way he was holding her this time around. Like the time apart changed their little dance. And she couldn’t pin point the difference yet but she liked it. He came back up, pulling down his pants with his one hand, she helped.

And they continued touching and kissing, getting to know each other’s bodies again, until the could both feel it was time to get lost in each other. He could feel him in between her thighs, hesitant, looking in her eyes, asking for permission that she gave freely with a nod. He lowered his head to her neck and before entering her he whispered to her ear “Ma petite mort.” And then he slid on her, pushing a moan out of her lips that filled the room, echoed in the walls of her childhood bedroom that has changed over the years to mirror who she was as she’d grow up. It took her a while in the haze for her to translate his words—

“is that what love is to you?”

“I think it’s fair to say it weakens your consciousness. Has you dying and awakening repeatedly.”

“How did you say it?” she bit on her bottom lip.

“la petite mort”

Except he didn’t say La. He said Ma. Such small difference. Such heavy confession.

Her eyes opened as realization hit, while he was still inside her and hidden in her neck and her body felt so light in that moment, so fragile. And she wished she could confess the same to him, find a way to tell him she felt the same way. He lifted his head from her body, looked in her eyes, she pulled his head down so she could kiss him, let him taste the words she couldn’t tell out loud.

Next morning the sun creeped in through the curtains that they had let open during the night. He woke up with her body still laying on his, still asleep and as fragile as he remembered it. He checked the time and knew he had to leave soon, catch the flight back home—odd, if he was meant to go home, why did this feel like home as well? He gazed at her rosy cheekbones, how her face was squeezed on the pillow, her chest going and down as she’d let out a fragile breath, he gazed at her like she was a painting, meant for his eyes only. He kissed her nose and moved away, searching his clothes around the room, he put on his pants and his shirt. Picked up his jumper and left it on the bed for her. He leaned over to her, leaving another kiss on the eyebrow and she moved slightly, awakening from the hypnosis he had put her under.

“I have to go.” She reached for his arm, holding it gently. He kissed her, one last kiss. “we’ll talk.” He spoke in her lips. She nodded and let him distance himself. When opened the bedroom door, she sat up and put on the jumper he had left for her. She wanted to go behind him, tell him a proper goodbye, but she was terrified that if she did, she wouldn’t let him go at all. She slowly walked out of the bedroom, listening to him picking his stuff when suddenly she heard voices—“shit” she mumbled and ran downstairs.

Kylian was standing by the front step, laughing at something, talking to someone. She had to get to next to him to see her little sister talking. “lily, where’s Ma?”

“In the kitchen.” She said with her tiny voice. Kylian looked at taylor, a little embarrassed at the situation. Taylor didn’t really know what to say either. “What’s Mbappe doing here?” she asked. Taylor opened her mouth slightly, searching for the right words.

“I wanted to make sure your sister was ok.” He said quickly, then he kneeled to her height. “I’m a close friend” he explained.

“Lily!” Beth came in the living room, holding glass of orange juice. Taylor looked immediately at her, regretful of the circumstances “Oh—” she mouthed but held herself from saying anything else. “Sorry, I didn’t realize—” while the grown ups were occupied feeling awkward about everything, lily ha gone closer to Kylian, put her hand in his ear and whispered

“can we be friends too?”

Kylian smiled, the awkwardness melting away as he looked to the little girl’s eyes. He nodded “you can come to Paris with your sister one day.”

“I’m not as good in football. Mark talks about you all the time, he even has a notebook with your face on it.”

“Is mark your friend?”

She shook her head, hiding begin the doll she was holding. Taylor stepped closer. “we’ve got a little crush on mark you see.”

“Oh—” he laughed “do we? Well, what can I possibly help with that? You think he’d like it if you have him autograph of mine?”

She nodded, smiling. Taylor went and found a piece of paper quickly and a pen, giving both to Kylian. He signed even wrote a message for mark and gave it to lily. They took a picture together and he excused himself, said he had to go to the airport. Taylor showed him to the door, the two of them standing out of his car.

“Thanks for that.” She smiled.

“Uh don’t think about it. I know what it’s like crushing over a Wilock girl.”

“Technically she is the one crushing over him.” She corrected. Kylian pulled her closer y the long sleeves of his jumper.

“I’ve left a bag for you. In the kitchen. It’s some gifts by the boys.”

“They still think about me?”

“Some more than others.” He smirked.

“Did you tell them about…?”

“No. I thought best to tell them in person and I wasn’t sure if you wanted too either.”

“Thanks. Yeah, you can tell them when you get there. Tell them I’ll be ok.”

“I will, because I know you will.”

She stroked his cheekbone, grinned. “last night was nice.”

“Yeah” he licked his lips and chewed on his bottom one.

She kissed his cheek, her lips lingering on his cheek “fly safe.”

He kissed her back and got in his car, driving away.

For the rest of the day she had to answer calls and messages, condolences and everything that she had been ignoring. After the 10th call, she felt like she was she was a robot, reciting the same thing over and over again. People she hadn’t spoken to in years were calling, telling her how much they loved her father, some of it felt so fake to her, she wanted to yell at them.

She plummeted herself on one of the chairs in the kitchen table, shutting off her phone and throwing it on the table. “I don’t want to talk to any more of them.”

“Then don’t” said Beth, while she was mixing the soup. Taylor looked at her.

“What are you making?”

“Chicken soup.” She glanced at her “do you mind fixing the table? Dr. Rhodes we should try keeping a routine for Lily’s sake.”

“Yeah…” she nodded and got up. Then she noticed the bag on the middle of the table and sat back down “god I forgot about this.”

“What is it?”

Taylor untangled the bow and opened the bag “Kylian gave it to me, I don’t know.” She put her hand, searching for the random items and took out a dozen pictures. “Bloody hell…” she looked at them, her heart melting at the memories. They were pictures of her and the boys. Pictures of when they won against AL NSSR, or when they had a water fight on campus. She sensed the heat of a tear under her eye. A picture of her and Neymar, looking like dorks. A picture of her in her blue Dior dress, next to Ramos. She let out a laugh. Beth turned to her, letting down spoon she was trying the soup with and went closer.

“Are these from Paris?”

“Yeah.” She said. She looked back in the bag, found a napkin, she picked out and realized—“I’m gonna kill him.” She whimpered, she didn’t mean it of course, all she wanted to do was kiss him. She read the names on the napkin, remembered writing them herself, the first night that she went out with the whole team. The jokes the shared, Neymar being a little too flirty. Kylian staring at her, a gaze that at that point she couldn’t decipher but now she longed for every time she closed her eyes.

“You look happy.” Said Beth, taking her out of her thoughts. She turned her attention to her, confused. Beth dragged back one of the chairs and sat down next to taylor. “Love the dress” she said as she picked out the picture with her and Ramos. Taylor forced a smile and looked back on the bag, there was as shirt in the bottom, she took out, it was with the psg colors, her name on the back, number 16 under it. She was bawling, but these tears tasted differently. “Aw sweetie.” Beth moved her chair closer to taylor and cuddled her like any mother would. She rubbed her head.

“The night before he left, he told me I should go back and I told him I couldn’t because I had him here and I couldn’t leave him—” she could hardly breathe “and now he’s gone and I got you and lily, I can’t leave you either—”

“Hun, listen to me—” Beth pulled away, forcing taylor to look at her, cradling her face “you are not gonna stay here for us.” Even she was crying now “Lily doesn’t need you to stay. She needs you to show her what life can be. She needs to see her older succeed in all the ways that you have. You know how proud I am that she’s got you to look up to?”

“Why do I always have to let go of something in order to get something else? It’s not fair—”

“Oh love…” Beth stroked her hair, her expression filled with compassion and love “unfortunately life is that way sometimes. And possibly this won’t be the last time you’ve got to make a choice like this but as your father would tell you—whatever will be, will be.” Taylor rubbed her nose; she was a mess. “As long as we are terrifying of wanting, that’s when life gets us down. Losing Charlie, it will haunt me forever, but he always cheered for us to get what we wanted, didn’t he? He was such a believer in knowing what you want, with no fear or embarrassment. Always sad that you were so scared of admitting to your own wants.” She smiled, kissing her temple “go to Paris. Be with him, be with the team, whatever you want and that’s when you’ll find balance.”

Taylor nodded and fell in her arms, in the back of her mind, thinking it was her father, that was holding her. She sank in the thought.

When everyone went to bed, she stayed in the living room, she had the lights low, the fireplace open. She was looking at the pictures, her t-shirt laid on the couch, while her computer stayed open on the table, on a booking website for airplane tickets. It was a simple and she’d go back, not necessarily to stay but to get a taste, she if she wanted or even if she could stay. She let down the pictures, leaned forward on the computer and clicked it.

No one said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.

IM SORRY I PROMISE I NEVER MEANT FOR THIS STORY TO HE SO SAD ITS THE CHARACTERS 😭😭😭😭😭 god this one was a hard to write but i do hope you liked it!!! As Always your comments are welcomed and needed, especially now that we are so close to the end. The plan is for only two more chapters but it all depends to how long ch14 will be. What do you guys think now that it's ending? What has been your favorite moment and what do you think will happen? Will these two finally be happy in the city of stars 👀✨ keep an eye out for all the hints. Ending has already been revealed. Love you all so so much!!!

[fangmich]

Also the comment about "People who want romance in rpgs are annoying" made me again realise how people who say that just don't get it.

I think I made a post about this years ago about how it's not just romance, it's part of it but the main thing I think people need in rpgs are better relationships between the people in the game. We need different kind of companionships because how else could you include your character into the world.

I felt like this in Original Sin 2. Sure my character was present but she will never be as cool as the written characters Larian created. She was like part of the world but also not important to anyone. Which is I guess ok to use as a narrative method but it feels more like a joke and a bit empty at the end.

Since I finished Pathfinder WotR I guess I also can include it as a good example why relationships are important for the roleplaying part. Not all of them were good but some actual gave me the freedom to establish my characters personality.

I think in that Awoved interview they said the game will be like Outer Worlds or it will have the same scope. Well I for example can't remember if I even had any kind of companionship with my companions in that game besides Parvati who you can create some kind of bond by relating to her or helping her in a very personal quest. I can't remember a single thing about the other companions besides the banter they had between each other. Why can't we be space buddies?? (I have more memories about being buddies with Alistair from Dragon Age and that game is centuries old!)

The other thing from that interview is this part:

The companions in Avowed will be tied more tightly to the story than in previous games, apparently, and the team wants to make sure they hit their story beats without confusing the issue with relationships. "We wanted to make sure that we were paying that off and we didn't feel ready to do romances as well," Patel says. "Especially because it gets kind of awkward if you're trying to save the world together and then you've broken up but this person is still travelling with you."

First thing it sounds like they are doing the Larian thing where they wrote cool OCs and you are their sidekick who leads them to becoming a god or something. Which is ok but do I really want to play a husk of a character?

The other thing is they did relationships in Deadfire before and I get it's a lot of work but again with the acquisition you would think we could expect more but alas. I think it would be more genuine to say no one wanted to make romances so we didn't.

The other other thing is why is it established that we need to romance companions? We spend most time with them but when they are in the way then some cool side characters who are outside of the main story but have their own thing going on are fine too?! Since when did games start to make only companion relationships/romances🤔

Like I said before I trust Obsidian to write a good story and the game will be fun just wish they wouldn't need to paddle back with the expectations which were created.

I also honestly wish people would stop and think a bit more why rpg players want deeper bonds with characters instead of calling them annoying and being happy they aren't part of the fandom. Less people who enjoy your games the less likely you will get games.

[zombeebunnie]

Trembling Essence:💙Ending progress + poll results💙

Hi again and welcome new followers, here's another progress update about the game! >;]

But before I write that out I just want to say a very big thank you to everyone that participated in the poll I did so far, The results and responses have been helping me for the final version. :,] If you still want to give your vote/opinion on the start of the game here's the poll from my tumblr! There's less than 24 hours to vote!

I took a small break to gather my thoughts before continuing from where I left off. I was brainstorming a lot about this because I didn't want the beginning of the game to be too long when it comes to figuring out how to get to Noah, but I do want the explorative side to give some lore.

Suddenly, an idea came to mind that'll help me solve this issue I've been having. :,]

Last week I mentioned the two endings you could get that are from the [Extended Demo]. I don't count this as spoilers but these endings will have their own separate choice to go down instead of it being in the same path. This replaces a section from the [Extended Demo] and lowers the amount of time it takes to figure out how to get to Noah, especially for those that are new to the game. Consider this a healthy quality of life change, only one ending has been put on the shelf that I didn't have a connection with so far! :] This also gave me a chance to go through both endings individually and give a deeper exploration into these areas as they do play a part in the game. I added a few choices to show the differences in the terrain and how the player(Y/N) reacts to it. You can get an alternate situation but it will still end the same. I also fixed up some errors I found through the alternate choices that I almost missed too. For right now I'd say this ending will be finished once my play testers look through them! They've given me pointers on the CG's and dialog but not everything else yet. x] Speaking of quality changes I also went back and adjusted some of the new CG's I've drawn. I had a habit of drawing the landscape too low so you couldn't see anything unless you toggled the text box away. :,,,] Luckily this was a quick and easy fix.

Here's the results:

Before:

After:

I'm very happy with how far I've come when I draw backgrounds now! It's been a interesting journey but overall I enjoy knowing everything is coming together no matter how long it might take. There was another one I wanted to share but this the second CG I tried posting gave me an error. Luckily I had everything saved so I don't have to rewrite anything! :,,]

It took some time but I went back and fixed one of the effects that happen when you lose HP. The old version lights up the edges of your screen but sometimes it can be hard to see if there's another effect happening. I went back and gave a small hue effect every time you lose HP instead.

Lastly in other news, I finally started work on Noah's reference sheets! >:]

There will be a total of three(?) which will have specific details for each one! It's took some time to create since I'm still learning how to do angled faces/poses but I've gotten time to practice so I'm ready. >:] I also want to state that Noah's sprites/side sprites in the [Extended Demo] are accurate to how he's suppose to look too. Since I've improved my style certain specifics of his appearance might be slightly different! :]

Almost there to the cabin section, yay! I just have a few more things to fix up. >:]

If you like what I create, please consider supporting what I do on kofi! All donations and tips help tremendously while I work on the game. Also a very huge thank you to those that have optionally bought the [Extended Demo] and the March 2023 demo on itch.io too, it really means a lot. :,]

Q&A / Ask box is open:

If you have any questions about Trembling Essence/Noah feel free to ask here or on itch.io please. This makes it easier for me to see and answer accordingly! I would really like to hear from you guys!

There were some other things I wanted to discuss but this post is getting too long so I'll save it for next week, thank you guys for all of the support, I appreciate it! :,,]

[themysticaldrumstick]

I've got a question:

If we were in a gay relationship with Ellie/Elliot... Who is our son related to biologically? Because this IF seems to be an slice of life in the real world, rather than in an ultra scifi or urban fantasy one where same-sex reproduction is possible. Is the son adopted, or was he conceived in vitro? Or would you leave it nebulous on purpose?

The whole thing came to me after the question I made about MC's possible heights. Because I was amusing myself thinking about how the son would be glad to have MC's genetics if MC is 6'7 or more (for how advantageous it could be for basketball), only to remember I'm very gay and I was going to play as a man who dates men exclusively. So, things got complicated.

On one hand, it could give more of a possible reason to approach Ellie/Elliot more. After all, our son may be related to only one of us, but we love him so much no matter what and do everything for his well-being and happiness. And it could make either Ellie/Elliot or MC feel more fond about the other because they continued being a parent, even though it could be possible, in theory, to remove themselves from the situation (although, I think this may not be so much the case if the divorce happened once the son was older).

And for the sapphics, it also gives a special thing where maybe one gave the egg and the other carried the baby.

I don't know, there are plenty of choices to regards to what to do with this. But, I feel it's a lot to put in front of you and then find a way to write it/code it when it doesn't have that much relevance to the story. On the other hand, it would also feel a bit unfair for straight/bi players with a straight route to not have this level of nuance, unless you also included the in vitro option for them (just with a different justification).

Easier would be, methinks, to just say the son is adopted when it comes to gay couples (and make this an option for straight ones). Or just don't discuss it at all, frankly.

Maybe I'm just thinking way too much about something that, ultimately, does not matter for your IF and is more of an unnecessary distraction. Alas, that will be for you to decide, dear author.

Oh my god, get ready for this massive ass rant of mine. You do not know how much I've prepared for this day.

*Cracks knuckles*

So, basically. I'm putting out the option for the birth of your son at your behest-- you can choose whether it was straight up the usual, IVF, surrogate, etc. You should've seen my Google history because JESUS CHRIST, I've spent too much time decoding what works. In short, your son is always biological and is related to Ellie/Elliot's gene. The MC will have the option to assist via donors, or surrogates, depending on what you want.

There's layers to this.

Normal Natural Pregnancy, either on MC or, Ellie/Elliot's side. The female one will be undergoing the pregnancy.

If you're in a lesbian/non-binary couple/gay, MC can choose to carry their son(if possible) or choose a surrogate after an IVF.

Adoption will NOT be an option because your son needs to be biologically related for plot purposes.

Your son will always be related to Ellie/Elliot, as they will be the sperm/egg donor in case of the IVF route.

Let me know if I'm missing something because I'm half-asleep and uni is killing my soul. As for your son, they always look like E and have your personality, so.. hope that helped. I do understand how shitty my explanation was, so if you want to clear this, feel free to enquire.

Thanks for the ask! Glad you're enjoying the plot, so far.

[heartinajarofpickles]

Dinner Is Not Over

Part 3

Broken over and over again

He started gaining back consciousness, first he opened his eyes, and then they tried to move their leg, but it was stuck, same with their other extremities, so there they waited, and waited, and waited.

Hours passed and little by little he regained control of his body, the body was still asleep, and as it was awakening it felt as if both legs and arms were full of static, some more time passed and Crowley was able to stand, now that he could focus he realized that all this time something has been sounding, so he went and investigate, as he was getting closer the sound grow louder and clearer, his heart started racing as the easily identifiable voice babble something incomprehensible, the voice that he had heard so many times, that voice the one he loved and craved became clearer, Crowley only know who the voice belonged to, they couldn’t exactly make sense of what he was saying, or where he was, but he was close, his angel had finally chosen him, Crowley’s legs started failing, not from his sleep but from excitement, from happiness to see the love of his life, to see him back.

Just as he was getting ready to go running and embrace him reality hit him like a semi-truck, it wasn’t Aziraphale talking, well technically it was, but the sound came from that machine, that stupid machine, filled with rage Crowley throw it across the room, hitting the concrete wall and breaking it into smaller pieces, a new distorted version of that sweet sweet voice emerging from the mess of old broken plastic, and then fire again, it was torture for the demon to be hearing whatever deformed variation of his angels voice that machine was creating, so he just burned it.

While watching it burn, he noticed something behind, on the hallway instead of the beautiful green colors that used to decorate the space not so long ago there were only ugly brown cardboard boxes, and on the inside pots filled with dirt, dust and what once was a living organism, this drove Crowley incredibly mad, kicking the boxes he flipped its contents spreading dirt all over the floors, but that wasn’t enough, in fact he had just started, Crowley absolutely demolished every boxed spilling the contents everywhere, his plants were all he had left of his old life, the only thing he still had controlled over, and from day to night they were all dead, his apartment has never felt so empty, so cold so monotonous, so small, suddenly the walls started feeling closer and closer, his lungs were burning, and his vision started getting blurry as he fell to the ground he needed to get out as quickly as possible, getting back on his feet would be an impossible chore so on all fours he crawled to where the door was, there and with great difficulty he was able to stand up, as he was going down the stairs he stated calming down a bit, just enough for them to get to the street and start the Bentley, of course Crowley wasn’t thinking, and some kind of primitive instinct drove him to the bookshop.

It was different, not only the bookshop, the whole street. Crowley though that without his angel, the street, and then slowly the whole world was going to become a gray tiring place with no sign of happiness or hope, Aziraphale’s absence had that effect on his life, so why wasn’t it having it on others, going straight to the library seemed out of place and thankfully the drive had already calmed him down a bit, so he went to the most colorful of all the stores, to where the last food of Aziraphale had come from, give me coffee or give me death, it was pretty much the same, except the store looked a lot happier now with (more) vibrant colors, lots of plants and old music making an ambience, in a corner there was a yellow record player and next to it tons of vinyl’s, not so well organized.

Just as Crowley was about to order Nina gave him an unsure smile

— “Hey!”

— “Hello Nina” responded Crowley, it was nice to see a friendly face, and although Crowley blamed her and Maggie just a little about the way things have ended it was still nice to have a friend

— “How’s life been treating you” BAD

— “Oh well, u know how it goes” did Nina know about Aziraphale leaving? Maybe they haven’t noted his absence, but they soon would and both her and Maggie would start asking questions, not only them but all the other people that meet Aziraphale too.

— “Hm yeah, just passing through or are you coming back around?”

— “I wanted to take a little walk”

— “Good, let’s hope you have more of those, we don’t want to forget your face”

— “Oh, you could never forget me”

— “Sure pal” Nina said in a sarcastic manner

— “So, what can I offer to you, mister Crowley?”

— “What was that thing? The one that tranquilizes people?”

— “Hmm”

— “The Eiffel cakes”

— “Oh, the Eccles cakes? I’m sorry, but we retired them a while ago, apparently raisins aren’t really that popular anymore”.

Crowley was incredibly confused, and although the stable ground had made him feel better than how we was 20 minutes ago this conversation with Nina was starting to make them dizzy again, what did she mean by a while ago?. Just the other day Azi had bought some.

— “Fine, I’ll have six shots of espresso then” no Eccles cakes must have been a sign of the universe

— “Such a radical change” Nina said giggling as she was turning her back to pour the almost black liquid in a big cup

— “Have a nice day mister and try to visit us more often” said Nina sincerly, she didn’t sound like she was playing a joke which confused Crowley even more

As he was leaving the place, a small question started growing deep inside his mind, a little query that started consuming her with each step that he gave getting closer to the bookshop just across the street.

How long had he been sleeping for?

[ellraiser]

Year In Review

Hey friends, and happy new year <3 I hope you all had a lovely break and are ready for the 2025!

Here's a little recap of what I've been up to this past year:

Personal

2024 was the first year of me doing gamedev full-time, for the whole year! It's certainly different to back when I was making APICO on the side of a full-time job (and later freelance work). I feel a lot more pressure that what I make has to be 'good', and by 'good' I mean good enough to pay the rent.

With a lot of APICO's gameplay, I just did what I personally thought would be fun, and the end result is a weird combination of things but those who get it, love it. With Mudborne I've been trying to do the same thing, but I have a lot more worries about certain mechanics or moments that I wouldn't have if it wasn't tied to keeping the lights on.

I can't say I'd ever go back to my old job all the time I can sustain myself making games (the big red date on my whiteboard tells me I have until October 2026 until I run out of money!), but it definitely has been a noticeable change doing art for money instead of hobby.

With APICO done, all the games I'm making are all in my own engine built on top of the LÖVE framework, and it's made things so much quicker to create. At the time of writing Mudborne is very nearly finished up, and it's taken only 8 months in total working full-time on it. I'd love to get into a place where I can comfortably making a game every year or so, without feeling rushed. I have so many different ideas I'd love to make, and only so much time!

APICO

APICO had it's 3rd and final (sorry) content update, "A Hive Of Industry". This update added a bunch of automation machines, plus a lot of stuff you all asked for, including pets, decoration and a butt-tonne of QoL tweaks.

I've also done a few little bug fix patches here and there which I'm sure gave you all a bit of false hope on new content when the download queued! It was nice to finally 'finish' up APICO - sometimes I wish I never did any of the content updates but I think looking at it now I'm happy with where it ended up, even if it's still a lil janky and bloated and I think all the art looks wack.

I'd love to come back to it one day, in a seperate game. When I drew up the new credit postcards (above) I had fun invisioning a game where you do go to the mainland and help clean up the environment using your bees. I think it'd be nice to take the same APICO gameplay, streamline some of it and make it all fit better (especially the money making side), and then expand the bees to all have functions in restoring nature.

However I think that'll need to wait a while as I have 2 game children screaming at me to finish, and a bunch of other ideas I want to get started on!

===

Synthesis

I don't often join gamejams, mostly because of the time limits they have, or I just don't personally have any time - but in 2024 I joined the LÖVE Jam, for games made with the framework.

I was still learning the framework at the time and tinkering with the engine I'd made to create the Snacktorio demo, so I thought it'd be a good opportunity to have a break from the APICO stuff that was getting me down at the time, and learn a bit more of the framework.

I was really happy with the end result - 'Synthesis'. I wanted to make a puzzle game with different modules like what you get with old patch synthesisers. As you mess with the different modules it changes the patterns drawn until you eventually come across the combination needed to match the required shape.

I also made a point not to ever explain any module's function - you just learn through doing very basic levels and then the rest you just learn overtime by doing. I wanted it to feel very experimenty for the player.

It was really fun to put this together! I had 10 days and pretty much used them all. I also did the music for it because I wanted to start practicing music creation for Mudborne, and was interesting in having the music 'evolve' with the puzzle progress.

I think it'd be cool to revisit one day as a 'full' game, as you could have lots of different module types and interactions, and let players connect modules themselves in different orders which then affects the outcome.

If you want to check out the game you can get it over on itch.io here: https://ellraiser.itch.io/synthesis

===

Mudborne

Ah Mudborne, my beloved. I've spent what feels like an eternity working on this game, when it's only been 8 months. I think I've stared at frogs more than I have the real world, but I've enjoyed pretty much every part of it.

It's been an interesting process, first I did like concept art for the rough game, and worked on all the individual mechanics - then I worked on the actual world development and story and tied it all together.

After the new demo was finished up, I spent a long time just designing the entire world and how everything connects, then piecing together the story. The writing in this one was definitely a killer as I've never written like a proper big story, let alone one with a few twists and turns. 

I wanted something players could piece together themselves, and get clues from all over the place to work out certain things, so there was a lot involved in making sure it all fit together nicely. At the time of writing this I've just finished up all the final dialogue lines, and now it's just a lot of drawing and polish left to go.

I'm planning to do a private playtest this month for the first time, so I can try and streamline any tutorialisation stuff and see if I've made things a bit _too_ difficult. I'm pretty confident it's a fun game but it's weird how hard it gets to judge that the longer you work on making the game.

Once the playtest is over it'll just be some last little bits to tweak and any changes to make and it'll be ready to release! Crazy to think it'll be my second published game.

===

As for 2025, I'm not sure yet what I'll be doing! The only thing I do know is Mudborne will be released this year, which is very exciting, I just can't say when yet. After that, I'm not sure - I'll need a long break that's for certain. I'd like to start working on Snacktorio proper and get that finished, but it depends on my brothers workload  (he still has a 'real' job). He did a lot of the work on the game design of Snacktorio and has a good idea for the levels, so I wouldn't want to really do it without him.

If he is free, then I imagine Snacktorio will get polished off this year, maybe an early 2026 release! If not then I'll just have to work down the list to the next game idea and get started...

A big thank you to everyone who played any of my games in 2024, all of the new APICO players, returning players for the 4.0 update, froggy friends excited for mudborne - without all of you I wouldn't be able to do this and I'm extremely grateful. Here's to 2025! ~ Ell

[mspi]

Remembering Evel Knievel 49 Years After Failed… | Cowboy State Daily

Dad had me watching all the stunts that Knievel did when featured on TV. Maybe it was to warn me of what could happen to me if I did anything foolish -- broken bones.

Hilarious.

Dad brought me to the province where I got to explore dark caves, one of which had giant 🦇🦇🦇 staring at me. Cuz got kicked in the face for that dare when I ran out screaming. (He was older than me and for some reason -- expecting that reaction.)

There are many other dangerous things I've done on bases and in Hawaii. Then now that I think about it, walking around Tijuana as a kid. Not by myself by far, but also not on anyone's back. Hanging out in East LA was an experience. Don't turn down the fajitas -- they're yummy.

Back to Kinevel injuries. I'm wondering if he has the same issue as I do when it comes to the slight inability to feel pain.

Someone attempting to remove your toe nail while you're awake without pain killers is tortuous and that person should be pulled from their so-called medical practice. Thankful mom was on a surprise visit to check on me in the 🏥 and heard my screams begging the so-called podiatrist to stop. Mom busted in the room with her big LV momma purse ready to throw down

The torn ligaments in my leg when landing on lump on the floor mat in high school was scary because of the echo which reached the attached gym -- startling 🏈 players. Okay it was frustrating bc I kept trying to stand up. Oh for goodness sakes I should've been at the track meet instead. A nurse was 😂 liking the idea of being carried down multiple tiers of stairs towards the nurse's office by the 🏈 team gave her happies. Guess she had a crush on players when younger.

The broken ankles years apart is an anomaly since I wasn't out hiking, clubbing at night, or even 👙 swimming. Sure I had a cycle but my feet refused to stay on the pedals. Maybe I should've seen a Dr sooner but this was a while after the MS diagnostic and torn ligaments. What the heck was I supposed to say about it.

That's when my babe of an ex began messaging my feet and could feel that something was very wrong and brought me to the hospital in the same condition years apart. Explaining to our President what happened was a tough one. Especially when they knew we were used at work most the time. Except when 🤧🤮🥵 of course.

How'd we get away with working together? Somewhat different departments with slightly different specialties. 📝 Try not to hate the one special thing that's uber rare in your field. Mine came with nightmares of being the only non+smoker in the small office. Yes that babe was right about how miserable I was when swimming for hours after work on weekdays.

-- dnagirl

22.07.2024

[intertexts]

YIPPEEEEE WILLIAM WISP SURIVIVAL HORROR ARC !!!!

EPISODE 28 TRIVIA (this is a long one):

- "that was the most important lore dump william has ever gotten and he wasn't even there for it"

- "i feel like this smoke clone thing is like a black hole for bits where if I roleplay with myself for long enough I start to create actual dire consequences and I don't know how I feel about that"

- each of the islands does actually have a purpose to teach them something! mato had gone to each of the guardians beforehand and told them basically "these kids are coming, i want you to teach this one this thing" or whatever. the first one was for vyncent to learn to stop overthinking things and learn to trust in his surroundings. this one was for william to learn to take these kinds of things more seriously. HOWEVER. this guardian didn't really want to do that, so she gave them a lore dump instead. the next one is dakotas!

- william power loss lore: "william IS alive. this arc i have just been constantly messaging bizly to think of ways to circumvent william taking any personal responsibility or trying to get his powers back. now that he knows there are other whisperers he just wants to find THEM and trick them into doing his job for him. he just wants to retire like tide wanted them to and hang out on the beach"

- grizzly says it's been a long time since they've had a dark serious session and he's ready to get out of bit mode and get back to that. smile emoji

- they took william sending the smoke clone in his place originally as a bit but then realized it was actually completely in character for him to do something like that because he's a coward! charlie says like yeah he can't turn intangible or invisible anymore he's vulnerable as shit this lady crawled out of the mouth of a giant snake he's terrified!

- they all miss being on the winnebago roadtrip hehe. THEY ALSO MISS BEING THE PURPS :( i think I said this back when you were first listening to the purps. do you remember me saying one day you will miss the purps. do you miss the purps yet. I miss the purps-

HEY BTW LORE DUMP TIME. YOU GOT TO LEARN ABOUT CLARENCE TODAY!!!!!! :D

- charlie: "so now my plan is to recruit mato and the other whisperers to replace me because they can do everything I can-"

condi: "actually, they can do everything you *cant*"

-a chorus of DAMN DUDE-

- grizzly says he doesn't want william to be helpless he doesn't want william to not be on the team anymore etc and charlies like "he's not helpless he has a chainsaw now!" and says he wants william to have a couple different weapons based on horror movies (chainsaw, axe, shotgun, maybe a machete or something etc etc etc)

- OKAY THANK GOD WE'RE GETTING INTO THE POWER DISCUSSION NOW. I'm about to restore your hope a little bit. here we go:

charlie: "yknow ive actually been really struggling with this arc and I've been messaging bizly a lot about it because AS A PLAYER I really want william to . well I want him to die again!! the whole thing with william is that he bit off a lot more than he can chew, curiosity literally killed the cat in his case and he was suddenly saddled with all this power he didn't want and responsibility he couldn't handle. and now dakota has basically given him a get out of jail free card and he has NO fucking interest in putting himself back that position. william is a bit of a noodle right now but he WANTS to be a noodle. he's alive again, he can feel shit, he's loving it. so any chance he can get at all to not have to take that responsibility back he's gonna take it. so now I've put myself in a position where as a player I DESPERATELY want him to have his powers back but I know in character he basically needs to be forced into it because he would never voluntarily choose to do that to himself again"

<< dude you don't understand HOW MUCH of a relief that was for me to hear the first time. i was like OH THANK GOD charlie as a player is in the same position i am as a listener. and also now that im in the position of being able to look back on this I can appreciate williams in character stance on things a lot better. yeah it fucking makes sense that he doesn't want to DIE again. hes been basically numb for the last three years of his life, of course hes gonna get a huge rush out of being able to feel things again. he never wanted to be a superhero and now that he doesn't have to he just wants to be a kid. head in hands. anyway. im rambling back to Actual Trivia

- grizzly: "I hope you get put into a position where you have to choose between saving one of your friends or staying alive"

bizly: "i dont think it'll be as straightforward as that"

- bizly then explains the plot of spiderman 2 in the most convoluted silly way ever. however they mention the part where that little kid comes up and tells Peter Parker he looks up to spiderman as a hero and this is important for the next piece of trivia

- condi: "does anyone look up to the Prime defenders"

bizly: "yeah!"

Charlie and grizzly: "fuckin WHO? WHY? we SUCK"

bizly: "bookworm looks up to you guys, there were those kids in the park after the cartoon thing"

condi and charlie: "yeah but those are both just dakota because we accidentally bullied bookworm he hates us now"

bizly: "well. yeah. people look up to DAKOTA." *everyone starts laughing* "well because he's a hero! and he wants to be a hero so he acts like one. it's not about people looking up to you its about... understanding and accepting the responsibility you have because of the gifts you've been given"

charlie: "what gifts bitch im ALIVE"

bizly: ".... for now"

- WILLIAM JUST NEEDS TO GO GHOST AGAIN (<< sorry they said a danny phantom reference I got excited)

- "william fucking dies for real this time and gets replaced by goobleck" im pretty sure I explained goobleck in a different trivia time . i hope. because if I didn't this probably looks insane

- OK AND THEN GRIZZLY OF ALL PEOPLE starts weirdly seriously insisting that ashe is dead. "yeah man ashe is dead. totally gone. he's the Trickster now" and EVERYONE ELSE is like "whoa dude what? this is so un dakota like of you what the fuck"

- grizzly starts making up scenarios that he thinks will make william snap back into hero mode and goes "will you follow me into battle?" AND CHARLIES RESPONSE is "yes. dead serious. if anyone so much as comes at you on this next island I WILL blow their head off with a shotgun"

- charlie brings up the fact again that william is "basically a call of cthulu character who turned into a looney toon over the course of 50 episodes" AND bizly says there *are* more serious episodes coming but probably not until after training arc is over (<< me who has future knowledge >:]c)

GOOD TRIVIA.... GOOD ROLLED. fuck yes it's sick to get that insight from charlie,,,,,,, my reasoning the whole time so far has been "bro would not have named his fucking character wisp and based his entire story around this one thing and have an unresolved character arc around this one thing and then just decided nahhh he doesn't want to." which. yeah!!! tracks!! & of course he wouldn't want that back!! cant wait for william wisp to die again somehow :] <- i FUCKING made that prediction like a month ago and i'm still standing by it. this fucker has like one more death in him this season i think. actually i think maybe he'll get killed By someone since he doesn't really..... have the capacity to accidentally die in stupid ways anymore. whatever. we'll see. anyway god wiwi is so call of cthulu to me... honestly my first impression of him was like. x-files twin peaks maybe buffy shit. that specific 90s mystery/horror/comedy vibe to me... the boy who went hiking alone and was lured off a cliff by supernatural forces who then reanimated his dead body.... (slightly relatedly one of the best hikes back somewhat near where i used to live was called breakneck ridge :] thats what i'm always thinking of irt him... its super pretty also u should look it up) anyway. god. enough wiwi talk I MISS THE PURPS.... I WAS ALSO JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS. HEAD IN HANDS.

mannn. i'm so excited to see where this goes i love all of these threads. can't wait for heavier stuff incoming. i wanna see wiwi blow someones head off for coming at dakota.theyre so terrible.

[ltwharfy]

"Bob's Burgers" Season 13 Episode Ranking Rewatch (Long Post)

So, I've been rewatching "Bob's Burgers" from the beginning and ranking the episodes using the spreadsheet that @babsvibes created! If you want to know why I'm doing this or how I view the 1-5 rating scale, you can check out my Season 1 post! If you want to check out any of the other seasons, I've been using the "bob's burgers episode ranking rewatch" tag for all of them.

Now on to Season 13:

Average (Mean) Score: 4.14

Mode (Most Common) Ranking: 5

Ranking Breakdown: 9 5s 8 4s 4 3s 1 2

Season as a whole thoughts:

This is the third lowest rated season (above only seasons 11 and 1) but please don't think that I dislike it. It's not my favorite, but I think it may be one of the most fascinating seasons of the show. (As I've oft said, I wish the show got real DVD releases with commentaries and special features after season 1. And I would especially love to hear more about about the making of Season 13!)

So, my first major observation about Season 13, which I made when it was airing but the rewatch confirmed to me is that I found it inconsistent, but in a very specific way. I'm a baseball fan, and "Bob's Burgers" season 13 reminded me of a great pitcher at the end of their career. Their fastball isn't as fast as it once was, and sometimes they seem completely out of gas. And then other times they experiment with new pitches or change their arm angle or windup and the results are amazing...but in a totally different way then they used to be. To translate the analogy back to what I'm actually talking about: "Crab-soultely Fabulous" was followed by "Radio No You Didn't". That gave me a little whiplash.

The other fascinating thing about Season 13, which I noticed more in the rewatch, is that it seems to hit the same recurring themes more often then other seasons, to the point where it seems intentional. While I would argue that the kids growing up has been an occasional theme of the show for a long time, they really seemed to hit it this season, and specifically in a way that's a bit more melancholy. There are a number of episodes about disappointment, embarrassment, making mistakes, sticking with things that are difficult, and some of the other less fun aspects of maturity. Sticking with the last paragraph, sometimes these episodes landed with me ("These Boots Are made for Stalking") and sometimes they didn't ("Ready Player Gene"). But going back to my DVD commentary comment, I'd love to know more about how conscious a choice this was, and, if it was a conscious one, why it was made.

Some thoughts on specific episodes (and feel free to ask if you want my thoughts on an episode I didn't comment on):

"To Bob or Not to Bob": Goofy fake plays and ghosts saying "Avenge me!" in a spoooky voice are both things that are pretty much always funny, so this episode amused me a lot. But I really love the way the "restaurant expansion" subplot ended- with Bob just realizing "nah, I don't really want to do that." I founded it pleasantly unexpected from a storytelling perspective, and also saw it as a bit of a critique of modern America's ultra capitalist "hustle" culture- like, no, expanding your business won't actually make you happier. (I may be reaching here.)

"What About Job?": If you asked me, "what's the 'Bob's Burgers' line that's in your head the most?" my answer might surprise you, because it's not a joke or a clever song lyric. It's Bob's line in his story in this episode: "just because you stop growing doesn't mean you stop growing". I'm a middle aged person whose contemplating a career change and has been working on personal growth in a number of ways in recent years, and this line- and the notion that Bob is telling it to his adolescent/pre-adolescent children-just fills my heart because it so different from the message I got growing up middle class in the USA ("you better have everything figured out by the time you graduate college!") This is one of at least two Molyneux sisters-penned episodes that means a ridiculous amount to me personally. (I'll share my writer ratings when I finish this project, but they are at the top of the list.)

"Show Mama From the Grave": I really loved learning a little more about Lily, her death, and Bob's relationship with it (ie- not going to her grave in decades.) It's not the funniest episode (although it has its moments- especially with Linda's cemetery fear), but it makes up for that in family lore and sweetness. Bob's little smile when watching the kids "boob" in the cemetery, and Linda's conversation with Lily are both such beautiful moments.

"The Plight Before Christmas": I'm a sap, but I love the Louise storyline and her poem, as well as Gene and his classmates affection for Ms. Merkin. And I really enjoyed some of the humor with Bob trying to get to the library and his encounters with the taxi driver and the dog owner. That said, I tend to prefer holiday episodes that are just a bit more jaded, so I would never vote for this as my favorite Christmas episode since there is one that talks about frickin' murder mannequins!

"Stop! Or My Mom Will Sleuth!": Man, I wish I enjoyed this episode more. Because it has three Roudise bits that I love: 1. the "attaboy, Rudes!" moment in the kickball game, 2. Rudy saying Louise is "complicated" when talking to Linda; 3. The notion of the Rudyville locker. But, I just find this episode kind of dull, and it specifically bugs me because some of the characters and their relationships seem a bit off. Why does Rudy tell Linda about the Rudyville locker? And why doesn't he know Louise isn't using it any more? And why does Mr. Frond falsely accuse Louise after there is a whole episode where he learns about how bad it feels to be falsely accused? And why do Linda and the other Belcher ever suspect Louise would steal a toy from a random kid in her class- that honestly doesn't seem like Louise behavior even in the earlier seasons (stealing from a bully or an adult or a multinational corporation? Sure! But just taking a toy from a rando, really?) Honestly, the best answers to these questions are "Doylist" ones: different writers write the characters differently in different episodes. But, I always find those explanations a bit unsatisfying, especially when they are in service of such a meh episode.

"These Boots Are Made for Stalking": Tina's plot in this episode is just so beautifully done and relatable- Tina reminds me so much of my sister here! I hope the "cool teens" reappear in the future. And I love that this beautiful, emotional Tina story is contrasted with Gene and Louise at their goofiest! Gene and Louise is one of my favorite dynamics because in the show because sometimes they work together on stuff and other times they compete, but either way they do it in the most ridiculous way possible. Their storyline here reminds me of the jawbreaker storyline in "Dr. Yap" in a good way (that might be the first episode that made me realize how much I enjoyed their dynamic.)

"Crows Encounters of the Bird Kind": This is very much a low-key, slice of life episode, but I enjoy it a ton. The whole bit about Bob buying the birdwatching book but never opening it is so relatable for trying to get in to new hobbies as an adult with a job that always makes you tired. I enjoyed the return of Ranger Matthew Danko. I think crows are fascinating. The "dares" subplot has a number of laugh out loud moments for me. And the "Mr. Jones" parody closing credit song is perfect!

"Gift Card or Buy Trying": "The Belchers go to a new place and each have their own separate adventures" is one of favorite "Bob's Burgers" episode formats, and this is another enjoyable example of it. This episode helped inspire one of my fics (Linda's comment about making one of the kids' wedding dresses inspired my wedding fic) and also helped inspire my headcanon-and potential fic idea- of Louise being a labor union organizer when she grows up (she literally says "we're doing collective bargaining!" in this episode.) The Gene and Mitchell storyline is another example of the season exploring some of the more melancholy aspects of growing up.

"Radio No You Didn't": I love this episode so much! I especially loved that they played the flashback to the 40s so straight. Gertie and Alice feel like such real characters- I love that they cast guest actors to voice them and gave them unique designs rather than just making them thinly-disguised versions of the regulars. (Also, I've adored Cristin Miloti, who voices Alice, since she was on "How I Met Your Mother") And the way they did the occasional interjections to Bob's storytelling from the rest of the Belchers was perfect- especially Louise's annoyance at the other's interruptions. This is a really special episode, and one I can't imagine them pulling off earlier in the shows run.

"Mother Author Laser Pointer": Hey, look, I AM capable of giving a rating lower then a 3! This joins "Moody Foodie" in the small ranks of "Bob's Burgers" episodes I'd rather not rewatch. Yes, the flashbacks to Bob and Lin reading to the kids are adorable, as is the end credits song. But Linda telling that tow-truck driver to go away (and generally, all her interactions related to Bea) is beyond cringe comedy to me. It's just painful with no payoff. I really hope there are no more "the Belchers hold someone hostage" episodes in the future- I'll pretty much rewatch anything else.

"Amelia": Much like "Radio No You Don't" or Season 14's "The Amazing Rudy", this is another really special episode that I can't imagine the show pulling off much earlier in its run. Everything that went into Louise's presentation- the shadow puppets, the music, her speech- was done beautifully. And the end credits song brings tears to my eyes in the way that an end credits song from an animated sitcom has no rights doing.

I can't think of any Random Thoughts, so I'll just answer the question that's on everybody's mind (Ha!) is this the last one of these ridiculously long posts?! Afterall, Babs' spread sheet only went through the end of Season 13.

Fear not, hypothetical person who actually reads these posts! I have expanded the spreadsheet to Season 14 on my own. Because I am apparently addicted to rewatching "Bob's Burgers" episodes and then rating them in a spreadsheet.

As far as addictions go, I guess there are worse ones.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #137

Today was a very mixed bag of things. I made a tea. I fixed a few more of my entries in this space. I took pictures of flowers for you. A melody from my past has been haunting me for the last several weeks, so I recently borrowed a cassette player from the local library to try to find it on some tapes I misplaced. I ran some errands with M. And I watched a movie with M and J. It's a lot of stuff. I'm not sure where to begin; there's so much to explain.

Well. Suppose it's good to start at the beginning. I combined my lychee/rose/vanilla tea with my vanilla/rose tea, and sweetened it with the last of the remaining vanilla ice cream. I think you would have liked it, but I can't share it with you, so I took pictures instead:

After that, I fixed up some of my letters to you in order to make my space a little more readable. Everything up to my 60th letter now has a cut in a place that feels appropriate. But I came across some very good ones:

Do you remember when I made the one-winged snow angel on the ground for you? Just so I could show you that it still belongs quite nicely with the two-winged snow angel?

Do you remember when I talked to you about the Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant, how similar he is to you, and how he changed?

…Do you remember the locket of your mother, Lucrecia, that I made for you, because I found out you lost the one you used to carry?

…Do you remember the pumpkin soup I made for you, just because as a boy, you were sad at missing an opportunity to have some?

…Do you remember when I repaired the shattered bowl until it was more beautiful than how it started? And do you remember when I filled it with that very same pumpkin soup for you?

So much has happened. This was only about a month's worth of letters. I've been writing to you every day for a total of four and a half months now, not counting the number of days it took me to write my original letter for you. I intend to keep going for the foreseeable future.

…

…Do you see me…? …Do you hear me…? ...I wonder…

…

M and I ran some errands; we got some things from the grocery and the pharmacy. We got a chocolate donut for J. I wondered what kind of donut you might like, if any at all. When I got home, I took a walk, and I tried to snap a few nice pictures for you:

The lilacs are beginning to bloom at my house. I'll have to ask my friend to let me know when hers are in bloom so I can make syrup this year. Have you ever smelled lilacs? They're my favorite scent. I wonder if you like them:

Here's a different kind of flower:

...And another kind...

...And another...

...Whatever kind this is smelled really nice:

...And I managed to snag a picture of a robin for you, too:

M took a nap shortly after I returned home. I tried to hang with him, but the melody I spoke on before was in my mind, and I was feeling very restless. It's a song from when I was a child - something straight out of the imagination of one of my mother's past partners; you won't find it anywhere on the internet. I can remember the melody as though it was sung to me yesterday, but I can't remember all of the lyrics - only some of them. Years ago, and before I went no-contact with my biological family, my mother had given me some tapes with the song supposedly recorded on it. But they weren't in the place where I thought I had left them, which figures since, for reasons I might get into later, a lot of our things are packed away in boxes and stored in closets, actually.

So I tore through the boxes to look for the tapes. In the process, I found a lot of my writing and doodles from the time I was a child, which I had kept in boxes because a teacher a long time ago said that we should always keep all our school and creative works, and I guess that stuck with me. The first thing I found was one of the very first pictures I ever tried to draw of you. I also found some super depressing poetry that I had written back in those days, and some silly stories that I wrote. I'm not going to share these things, because none of them were very good. Still, what a trip; I've changed so much over the years.

As for the tapes, I eventually found four of them; I had thought there were more, and I wonder if they're in other boxes. I wanted to look some more, but by the time I had found these four, M was awake and playing Sonic the Hedgehog with J. Earlier in the day, M had asked to watch The Emperor's New Groove with me today, so J made some popcorn and we sat down for a while to see the movie. It's one that I've seen so many times that I can repeat every line, in order, verbatim (…I'm autistic; what do you want of me??? 🤣).

...I can't share the popcorn with you, and this continues to be something that is not easy to deal with. But I did take a picture for you. Here:

...I wonder if you like popcorn. Hm.

I was still restless after the movie, so I listened to the four tapes I found. One of them was a mixed tape of already-recorded songs that are well-known - not relevant to my endeavor. The rest were of my mother singing in band practice and playing guitar.

…I have gone no-contact with my biological family for reasons that pertain to my emotional safety and wellbeing. But I do miss her dearly. Though a lot of my memories with her are unpleasant and fraught with mental and emotional abuse, she is still an otherwise wonderful person who is astoundingly intelligent, amazingly creative, and skilled with guitar and singing. It's just… there's a lot standing in the way between her and her ability to love me properly. She expects perfection of me all the time, and she's willing to belittle, guilt trip, or scream at me when I don't deliver. She is also, as compared to how she is with my siblings, not nearly as inclined to offer any kind of emotional support to me if I'm struggling; mostly she just tells me that my troubles are silly and irrelevant and that I should stop feeling badly about them. She expects more of me than she does of my siblings, and gets angry when I can't met those expectations, but in the same breath gets resentful when I can. The reasons for this are complicated and have mainly to do with her own traumas, insecurities, and fears of inadequacy; I don't think it's something I can help her resolve, as much as I want to.

All the same, the way she treats me renders me unstable, and she either unwilling or unable to improve. There are people around me now who are willing to treat me with empathy and respect, and I need to prioritize my ability to be stable for them over my wish to have a relationship with her, especially since a healthy relationship with her is likely never going to happen. It is what it is, and as far as I know, there isn't anything I can do about it; I can speak on the neurobiological mechanics of autism and how they interact with the neurobiological mechanics of trauma all day, but… it just doesn't get through to her.

And what's more, the last time I interacted with my sister, she had said to me that I am and always was "the problem" in our family (which makes no sense to me, because I was obedient to the point that I didn't even HAVE a "teenage rebellion" phase; in those days, my mother was "god" in my eyes - all-knowing and infallible - so I did my best to do what I was told even when it hurt me to do, and I achieved ridiculously high marks in school…), and I know that she wouldn't be able to say that out loud if my mother and my other siblings didn't also think that way, so… even without all the other stuff, I don't want my existence to hurt them. As such, it's best for everyone involved if I just go and don't come back. So that is what I've done.

…Well. All the same, it was wonderful to hear her sing and play guitar again, even if it was a little warped and garbled. The tapes are old, and so is the machine that they're playing on, but it's better than nothing; I cried a lot, and that was probably good.

…I wonder how much of this yearning you can relate to. Your relationship with your mother also doesn't really exist, right? But you know - last I knew, Lucrecia is still chilling out somewhere in a cave behind a waterfall on a mountain with a lake in the middle of it, just southeast of Nibelheim. You might have known this already, though. I think she loves you dearly, but if you go see her, it might be the case that all she'll be able to do is say "I'm sorry" to you over and over again. Still, it might be worthwhile to try, if you want to. Like my mother, she's not a bad person; she just made some really bad choices. Yours might be a bit more willing to change than mine.

…I didn't find the song that I was looking for. I'm not sure I will. I'm going to try to find the other tapes tomorrow, if they even exist. But I'm not confident that I'll find anything at all. I wonder if the thing to do is to try to write down as many of the lyrics as I can remember, and then fill in the holes with whatever my mind comes up with. I don't remember the melody of the guitar in the background, but you know… maybe I can try to fill that in, too, albeit with music box notes…

I thought I had more to say to you. But my mind is clouded and I seem to have forgotten it, if there was anything at all. Sorry about that, and thank you for your patience.

Hey, Sephiroth? Even if your biological family situation is really weird, and even if you yearn for a connection with them and cannot have it, please don't lose sight of the fact that you're loved. We have a phrase in my world, anyway, and it goes like, "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." And it basically means that those bonds forged by mutual choice can often be greater and more fulfilling than those bonds forged by simple biological happenstance. Maybe this is a phrase you can adopt for yourself; family does not have to be blood related.

…And you know? You can have family if you want to. Just pop by my house; you'll fit in here just fine, I promise. I'd do everything in my power to help you adjust. I remember my own adjustment to peace and safety, and it wasn't easy, but I've got a roadmap now, because I did it without the guidance of someone who already did it. You'd have the advantage of being around someone who knows the way, and you're smarter and more mentally flexible than me, too; I'm sure you'd do just fine, given time and patience.

I'm gonna go to bed; I walked and ran a lot today, and then I lifted a whole lot of really heavy boxes repeatedly. With the rib injury limiting what I can do in a given day, I'm not used to this kind of stuff anymore, and I'm really sore, so... I had better get some rest.

Please make sure you rest when you need to as well, okay? And stay safe out there, please. Because I love you, and because I'll write to you again tomorrow; you wouldn't wanna miss it, right?

Your friend, Lumine

[playersleft]

‘It’s not like I want to hurt myself...’

But look at him. Just look at him. Who would believe a guy like that?

For the most part, it’s become like this-- run to a game, grab a snack, back to room. He feels bad for it, but putting on a face- any face, became something exhausting to do. He can’t even make it to every game, these days.

‘Gracias, Salita-’  Muttering under his breath, he greets the lounge on such an occasional late-night visit. Nobody is here, so you can come out- Her whisper served as the final straw, breaking him out of the trance at this ungodly hour. He can’t express how grateful he is to her, but he whispers back, and strokes the wood as he settle into the barstool. Nobody is here... So.. it’s okay to ask the keeper for a drink.

You sure that’s a good idea? The flickering lamp to the right seems to say that- But he wouldn’t be able to sleep in the first place, and he doesn’t want to go back ‘there’. Besides, old habits die hard. He lulls her with a limply waving hand, and the flickering stops.

No... ‘back there’ s a no-go. He’s frustrated with the trance of it. At least like this, while he may end up somewhere ‘else’, it’s at least a more vivid and exciting kind of spiral-- And even if it’s the worst kind of exciting, being written off as drunk is better than anything. Besides, Boss, you can have this guy just carry me back, right? Pretty please~? But, the experience of being drunk is better, regardless. Right now, at least.

Right now... It’s always like that, swaying in and out of rationality. The desire to be present, to feel, and to think about where he is, what’s going on around him. Another hour’s him would say that it’s bad to drink, or to overthink, or to cut yourself, or any of it -- But that one had a bad habit of going on vacation every handful of hours or so. It used to be less frequent, at least... But no, that one would always leave when he got bored.

I don’t wanna be self destructive. Period. Stop accusing me of that. That’s the same guy who used to stumble into dead-of-night raves, fake ids ready to go and not a soul aware of where he was. Drugs, drinks and pressing up against strangers, the less caring they were the more willing he was. ‘I want to take care of myself’ -- This hypocrite dropped his corpse in the devil’s lap more times than he could count.

The memories of that are all gone now, mostly- But the habits never left. Yet this pattern of hiding and sneaking around with that ugly side-- Though it’s not like anybody bought it, anyway. The scars he wears are clear as day, and nobody believes for a second that they’re not... -- It’s not like it matters, though. It’s not like he even cares what they think. But that guy, that crappy guy who keeps preaching about love and life and whatever-the-fuck-else, keeps leaving him hanging with nowhere to go. And the more these ‘fellow players’ think about him, on any level...

It use to be easy. That’s what it is. It used to be easy, when that guy checked out, and his eyes got too blurry to deal with on his own-- He could turn to people who didn’t give a crap whether he lived or died. The feeling it gave him was weightless, in a different way than he was used to... A good way. A relieving way. ... Being grounded by way of floating-

There used to be people here who gave him the same kind of feeling.. The ones to drink with, smoke with, sleep with. Not many, not at all- but a reckless few, who did a better job keeping him at ease than anyone.  That kind of haven’s been gone for a long time...  And it make sense. It’s a miracle he’s still here, when he was probably worse than them.

But, damn... He’s not good at being alone.

So, he drinks. Alone. Late at night, quiet as can be to make sure it stays that way-- What a thinker! What a hypocrite~ But with any luck, he’ll pass out, and the keeper will take him back, and ‘that guy’ will be back by tomorrow’s game. And he’ll be able to keep saying that, ‘I don’t want to hurt myself’ -- as if anyone would ever believe it.

[athunbrean]

[EN] The Legend of Zelda : Tears of the Kingdom – Review

!!Version en français disponible ici!!

[Translated from French with Deepl. May contain translation errors.]

This review contains a few mechanics and story spoilers, but does not spoil the game's ending.

1. Introduction: background, brand, console

More than six years after the previous opus, we're finally treated to the new Zelda! A long-awaited game, considering that its predecessor, Breath of the Wild, is probably one of the greatest games of all time (although it's still a little early to decide). Tears of the Kingdom was immediately announced as a direct sequel to the previous game, and from the very first trailer we noticed the blatant resemblance to Breath of the Wild. Six years may seem a long time to wait for a game that uses the same engine and virtually the same map as the previous opus, but there are two main reasons for this long wait:

- The 2020 Covid crisis. Probably the main reason that slowed down many projects, including this one.

- The last year of development. According to Eiji Aonuma, the game was almost ready in March 2022, but with its complex physics and customization (more on that later), it clearly needed time to work out all the bugs that this kind of mechanics creates.

I won't dwell on all the similarities between TOTK and BOTW - I'll mention them here - but the rest of the text will dwell much more on the differences and what this game brings to the table compared to its predecessor. But it's clear that the similarities between the two games may put some people off, myself included. The entire BOTW map has been reworked here, with a few changes, but clearly not enough to renew the feeling of immense discovery that BOTW gave us. The actions are also very similar, as is the way the inventory works. In short, this is a game that takes up almost everything BOTW had to offer in terms of its world and principles, while changing a few things about the world itself, and modifying some of its gameplay. If this aspect may seem off-putting at first, especially when we return to the main map after the "tutorial", it gradually dissipates as we clearly understand that TOTK has its own qualities which are not the same as those of BOTW. Where BOTW shone for its discovery and exploration, TOTK shines above all for its mechanics, creativity and gameplay. Perhaps someone introducing themselves to the license by starting with TOTK would have all these qualities at once? To be explored...

2. Story and Lore

A new game means a new story. First of all, a few personal disclaimers before we get started:

(1) I know very little about the Zelda timeline, because I've always found it very artificial, and above all I think games are great when they stand on their own. In short, I think one of the great things about Zelda is that you can start one at random without having played the previous ones.

(2) I've never really liked Zelda games for their story, which is rarely very deep in itself. I loved Breath of the Wild, and yet the story is far from having impressed me. But Zelda, like Mario, is a fine example of how a game can be good even if its story is insignificant.

To sum up, the game takes place after Breath of the Wild, where, after exploring the castle's basement, Ganondorf starts attacking us and Zelda finds herself teleported to the past, where she meets Hyrule's founder, Rauru, and other Zonai (her species). Throughout the game, Link will have to find out what happened to Zelda and defeat Ganondorf.

As we all know: Time travel often makes for very tricky scenarios. But quite frankly, it's well executed in this game, because time travel isn't something "easy" for the characters to do. However, there's a catch: the fact that Zelda has gone back in time can be known very early on by the player, as the cinematics leave no doubt about it. Except that the game's entire scenario is based on the fact that the characters don't know what happened to Zelda (in particular, the main quest that justifies our going to the four regions is that we're investigating Zelda's disappearance). This leads to many absurd situations where the characters have no idea where the princess has gone, even though we know for a fact that Link has figured out what happened to her, as if he knew from the start but was hiding it from the other characters. This kind of twist doesn't work in such a non-linear game, as it leads to passages that cryptically show information that has already been given to us in a literal way, often giving the impression of playing the game out of order (which is the last straw for an open-world game).

And where BOTW succeeded in not repeating itself too much according to the regions, regardless of the order, TOTK, on the other hand, has a more important and complex story, it can't afford to, and so many cinematics feel very repetitive as you have to understand everything regardless of the order in which the game is made. The most blatant are the end-of-temple cinematics, which are all the same, sometimes to the word, making you want to skip them after the second time around.

The other problem with the story, which is more personal, is that it's often hard to get attached to the characters. This was already a problem in BOTW, but I think it's even more of a problem in this game: we get much more attached to characters from the past, whom Link doesn't know, than to characters from the present, who aren't really present at all. Even the sages we meet in the four regions are nice, but nothing more. This is even more true of the sages of the past. We easily become attached to Zelda and Rauru's family, but the sages of the various peoples seem very cold to us, not least because we don't even see their faces.

3. Gameplay : Powers

As I said earlier, this is the game's strong point. Very different from BOTW, which had powers that weren't very important, here they're essential to enjoy the game, even if it doesn't always encourage you to use them.

The sandbox aspect is the one that has received the most critical acclaim. TOTK's new powers include two that really encourage creativity: Fuse and, above all, Ultrahand.

- Ultrahand: This power lets you mix objects and mechanisms together to build all kinds of vehicles and tools. This is the most revolutionary aspect of the game, and what makes each game unique. Each player creates his or her own vehicles, which are often jaw-breaking at first, but get better and better the more they master this tool with its infinite possibilities. And, as ever, there are engineers at heart who will build incredible vehicles. It's a really enjoyable aspect of the game, and one that allows us to make our lives easier, or not, to our liking. Nevertheless, its main quality is also its main flaw: The game rarely encourages us to use this mechanic. This is a good thing, because the customization of our experience is total, and those who don't feel they have the soul of a builder can easily play the game without using it much, but it's a flaw, because the game doesn't encourage us at all to exploit our creativity in our constructions, for example through puzzles or the like. This sometimes gives the impression that we're making things more complicated for ourselves than anything else.

- Fuse: This mechanic allows you to mix all kinds of tools with different types of objects. For example, mix a sword with a monster's horn to make it more powerful, a brick-breaker with a rock to make it easier to destroy deposits and harvest ores, or mix arrows with all kinds of elements to modify their specificities. While the latter is very satisfying to use, as it allows for all kinds of arrow types (fire arrows, explosive arrows, tracking arrows, etc.) and is, in my opinion, much more enjoyable to use than buying arrows of each type, the rest is fun at first, but quickly becomes boring. You get the impression that you can mix your tools with anything, especially with mechanisms, but not only does the game rarely encourage you to do so, but you also come to understand that, for example, with swords, it's the monster horns that do the most damage, and so with each new weapon you throw one away to mix it with, which quickly becomes repetitive. It's a mechanic with potential, but one that's not exploited intelligently enough in the end.

Among the "main powers", we have two others that are more anecdotal:

- Ascend: This is a movement power that allows you to pass through any ceiling that's low enough. The introduction of this power makes perfect sense in a world where caves abound, and where having to go back and forth to each cave would quickly become tedious. Here, we can simply cross the ceiling to get out. Not only is this quite satisfying, but it also allows us to spice up our strategies a little, especially when it comes to attacking monster camps. But like the other powers, this one has a lot of potential, but isn't exploited nearly enough by the game! We could drool over the idea of making temples with puzzles that require us to go from room to room using this power, but it's hardly the case. What's more, this power can be a real pain to use, as it's often capricious, from the fact that it's often tedious to position yourself correctly so that the game accepts that we can cross the ceiling, to the simple fact that activating this power automatically directs the camera upwards.

- Recall: Like the others, this power has a lot of potential, especially in terms of the puzzles it can be used to solve. But since it's a pretty cracked power, you have to be careful not to break the game with it. We'll talk about the shrines and temples later, but this power breaks most of the game's puzzles. At times, you even wonder whether the game intended this power to be available at all. But on top of that, once again, this power isn't used enough. It may come in handy in some cases, but it's possible to complete almost the entire game without using it.

We also have some new sage powers which are clearly less important, but which are worth mentioning nonetheless:

- Tulin's Power: A power that allows us to make a horizontal gust of wind when we're in a paravane, giving us a boost. This is clearly the most practical sage power, mainly because it's the only moving sage power, but also because it's much easier to use than the others, since all you have to do is be in paravane and press "A" at any time, whereas with the others you have to either wait for the sage to approach you, or move towards the sage in question. What's more, you'll need this power pretty quickly to travel from island to island in the sky. The only drawback is that the button for activating the sage's power is the same as the one for picking up objects, so we regularly find ourselves in the situation where we're pushing with the wind what we intended to pick up, which can be quite annoying at times.

- Yunobo's Power: A power that allows us to roll Yunobo (a Goron) and propel him towards an area to demolish everything. It's quite fun to use when you're in a vehicle, as it automatically moves in front of you and when you press the button to activate it, it propels you forward, but apart from that this ability is rarely used, as it's neither practical nor useful. Like many of the game's mechanics, this one clearly doesn't encourage its use. The only time you'd be tempted to use it would be to shatter cave walls or ore deposits, but in the first case it takes a long time to recharge, as most cave walls have a large number of layers, and in the second case it shatters ores all over the place. What's more, the character is quite imposing, so it's quite complicated to get him in the right place to use it.

- Sidon's Power: A power that lets you create a shield of water to protect yourself, and launch a small "water blade" when you attack. This is probably the least useful of the five sage powers, because beyond the pollution phase, it's never encouraged to be used, and above all, it's not at all practical. The shield idea would be useful in combat, but it's precisely in combat that this power is the most complicated to activate, as you have to manage to go to Sidon and order him to put up the shield at the same time as fighting.

- Riju's Power: A power that allows us to send a bolt of lightning to the place where a bow arrow lands, provided the power is activated beforehand and the place in question is in the zone where the power is activated. It's a very satisfying power to use when the game wants you to, though sometimes a little tedious as the power's area of application grows very slowly, but then again, this power is almost never used beyond that, and the game never encourages you to use it.

- Mineru's Power: A power that allows us to control a Golem and assign weapons, or any other object, to its hands. The most complete power of the five, it's quite original and fun to use, but you soon realize that it's far more disabling to use it than not, so you never use it.

4. Level Design: The World and its special features

I'm going to compare it to BOTW again, but that's where the comparison is most important. In practical terms, it's the same world, the same map. Obviously, there are a few changes (shrines that change location, villages that change climate, etc.), but overall it's the same map. As a result, exploration almost takes a back seat in this game, which is a shame given that it was the great strength of the previous opus.

Tears of the Kingdom does, however, set itself apart with a few additions to the map:

- The Sky. Now there are floating islands above the entire Kingdom of Hyrule. This is what the trailers dwelt on the most, and what made fans drool the most, so that in the end it represents a maximum of 1/3 of the game... The largest island is the one in the tutorial, and it's undoubtedly the best. Except that, after a refreshing 4/5 hours, you're propelled onto the mainland and realize that all the other islands are much smaller. It's easy to enjoy exploring some of the islands, which have a number of great ideas, but the disappointment comes when you realize that the types of islands are repeated... I'm thinking in particular of the islands where you have to bring a green stone to activate a sanctuary, always with a kind of bumper in one place that you have to turn with a lever, and which is repeated I don't know how many times. In short, it's all the same, with a lot of potential but disappointing execution...

- The Underground. Unlike the sky, this part of the map (which is the same size as the surface) wasn't teased at all before the game's release. In fact, when you discover them, it creates a "wow" feeling. And in the end, although I like the ambience of these dark subterraneans and the similarities with the surface are a bit funny, there's not much memorable about them. Especially as the game doesn't encourage us to explore this place at all because there's not much to see, lots of Yigas camps that are almost all the same and give us vehicle schematics we'll probably never use. In the end, we're much more inclined to go in straight lines, as the main reason for going there is to find outfits that are marked on the map thanks to treasure maps found in chests on the floating islands. Again and again: an idea with a lot of potential, but a rather disappointing execution.

- Caves: Something a little refreshing at first, but quickly becomes repetitive and rather pointless to do. In each cave we have to kill an Elusis to loot a crystal, but the reward given by these crystals is really useless, so it feels like we're doing all these caves for nothing. Fewer caves and more variations of them wouldn't have hurt.

- Wells: Really useless, except in very rare cases (like the well in Zelda's house).

The game also introduces 5 new temples. While the games leading up to these temples are quite fun to play, albeit often a little too easy (special mention should be made of the flying boat game before the wind temple, which is a joy to play), the temples themselves don't offer much in the way of interest. For some, it's simply a matter of getting from point A to point B without much more (for example, the Temple of Water), while others have a few nice ideas but rely solely on this idea and are above all too easy to break, notably because we can climb the walls and also through the power of Recall, which can break many puzzles, already few in number. I'm thinking in particular of the Temple of Fire, which has a principle that's not so stupid in itself, but in addition to being simple, you can climb the walls, which breaks the entire temple. I'd still like to mention the Temple of Lightning, which is undoubtedly the best, probably because it's the most enclosed and the one with the most puzzles.

As far as the shrines are concerned, I know that many have appreciated the fact that they can be solved in several different ways, but I think that this has completely ruined the principle of the shrines. With Ultrahand and especially Recall, which break at least 1/3 of shrine puzzles, there's no room for puzzles and reflection. What's more, many shrines are blessings, i.e. shrines that have no riddles or anything to finish them. It's understandable when the path to get there is tedious, but having this type of shrine practically every time it's in a cave, is really tedious and takes away all desire to do the shrines themselves. Because, if you liked the shrines in BOTW, it wasn't just because you could teleport there and get presents, but above all because they were puzzle-oriented, which was a change from the rest of the game, which was exploration-oriented. But it's not all doom and gloom either. There are, of course, a few sanctuaries that stand out from the crowd and are fun to play.

Finally, a new world and new characters mean new quests! As far as the main quests are concerned, we're on the same lines as BOTW: you have to travel to 4 regions, the same as BOTW, and complete a quest each time. So there's nothing new about the main quests, only that unlike BOTW, where they are activated automatically, here they can be skipped if you're too thirsty to explore right away, which can be annoying as it would prevent you from being able to activate the towers (which are used to display the map) and prevent you from having the paravane (even more essential than in BOTW). As for the side quests, they are even more repetitive and, above all, unchallenging. A lot of "go get 10 mushrooms" quests, which quickly become irritating. There are, however, a few side quests that stand out from the crowd, such as the woodland gazetteer at each relay, which makes the relays more interesting, and which are often quite fun to do, and the gift that comes with these quests is well worth the effort.

5. Music and graphics

In terms of graphics, we're sticking with something quite similar to its predecessor, which still proves that a game can be very pretty without being 4k (although the grass sometimes reminds us of a certain Pokémon game whose name we won't mention). But this has been boosted even further. The floating islands are particularly pretty, although they all have absolutely the same graphics, which is a shame... The downside is that the Switch being what it is, there are frequent FPS losses (a problem that had more or less been avoided in BOTW, apart from in the Korogu forest).

As for the music, and the soundscape in general, we're staying right in line with what BOTW had to offer: we prefer to create atmosphere rather than leave the music on all the time. This sometimes gives the impression that the music is non-existent or unmemorable, yet you only have to skim through the OST after playing the game to realize that these tunes have clearly stuck in your head, and will do so for a long time to come. An ambitious choice, but still as effective as the previous opus, although I understand the frustration of not having such memorable melodies as previous Zelda releases have left.

6. Conclusion

I've been pretty hard on this game, and yet I'm giving it a score of 3.5/5, which is in itself a very good mark. It's still a game with a lot of great things to do, where everything beckons, and where finishing even the smallest quest requires enormous concentration because you want to do everything at once. It's a game where the hours just fly by. But most of TOTK's charm and quality are already present in BOTW, which set the bar very high. On the whole, I find this game very hard to innovate and remains in the easy suite, which was a disappointment for me. I would sincerely have preferred to wait longer for a game that kept the same formula, but with a lot more new features. Even so, I'm not at the point of thinking that this game is just "€60 DLC for BOTW". You don't need to know much about video games and code to think that, as TOTK is so technically advanced. This is a BOTW where all the cursors are turned up, the qualities are accentuated but so are the flaws, and it completely fails to be a revolution like its predecessor was. This is not to say that it's a bad game; it's a great pleasure to play, even more so if you're not familiar with BOTW. But expectations were probably too high for me, as I'd been completely blown away by Breath of the Wild. Above all, it's a game with a lot of things that have immense potential but are often executed in a very clumsy way. We hope that Nintendo will be able to renew this license and surprise us once again with ambitious, even revolutionary games.

[holistichufflepuff]

Is the Rick and Morty cameo in Space Jam 2 canon to Rick and Morty? I’m guessing it is

[applejuicefruit]

Can you write something with neymar where reader is from LA and is visiting ney. Then reader gets homesick and becomes a bit distant, but then ney realizes that she is homesick and comforsts reader.

I really loved your other writings so i had to request this one❤️❤️ 

Hii! Thank you for requesting this! I didn’t know if you wanted Neymar to be in Brazil or in Paris in this story 🥲 I hope you don’t mind reader’s visiting him Paris.

I really hope you like this ❤️

ps: i remember when i went to london all by myself when i was 16 and i stayed there for a month and i remember telling my friends i was missing home in italy and they just ignored me :) nostalgia is real people !!!

City of Angels

Los Angeles. Your safe place. Your safe heaven. Your home.

You thought no place on Earth could ever compete with your hometown. You had the hills, the beaches, museums and millions of people visiting every year. It was your home.

You lived in a nice cozy apartment on the Hills. It was small but it was everything you ever dreamed of. Every morning you woke up with the beautiful Los Angeles sun coming through your window, the Hollywood sign in background. It was perfect. Your life was perfect.

Also because you were dating famous football player Neymar. Honestly you had no idea of who he was before you googled him. Being a Los Angeles Dodgers fan meant that you knew nothing about football or soccer as you call it to make Neymar mad.

You met in LA, that’s why you are so thankful for this city. You were both attending the same party and the moment your eyes met you knew it was game over. He introduced himself to you and waited for your surprised reaction that never came. It took you a whole week before finding out who he really was. He always loved this side of you. He dated so many people who wanted him only for fame and money, but with you things were different, you were so pure and kind and not affected by fame or popularity. Probably because that was the normality in LA.

You were getting ready for going to the airport, ready to leave the City of Angeles behind and spend the next two months in Paris with your boyfriend Neymar. You were so excited to see him again but honestly you couldn’t stop but feeling a little sad leaving this city behind. You let a few tears fall while watching the Hollywood sign from your bedroom. Then you closed all the suitcases and left for for the airport.

Almost 9 hours of flight after and you landed in Paris. Neymar couldn’t come and get you because he was practicing that day so he sent one of drivers to come and get you.

The moment you left the airport shock hit you. The sky was so grey you couldn’t even see the clouds, it was raining and it was freezing cold. You weren’t ready for this.

You smiled at his driver and got into the car while you were watching the view from your passenger side.

“Why everything seems so boring?” you asked yourself hoping Ney’s driver didn’t hear you. But he was too focused on the road to even pay attention to you.

Once you’ve arrived, the driver helped you into Ney’s apartment and then left. Neymar gave you his spare keys when he was in Los Angeles visiting you.

His apartment was huge.

Literally huge. It took you almost 20 minutes to visit every room. His apartment included an indoor pool and gym, five bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, a theatre room, a playroom, a large kitchen and a living room with the amazing view of the eiffel tower.

“Maybe it won’t be so bad” you hoped.

You were sitting on the couch watching some weird french movie that you couldn’t even understand when Neymar appeared in the living room.

“You already got yourself comfortable I see” he said coming behind you and kissing your head

“Ney!!” you jumped on his arms the moment you saw him

“Did you miss me angel?” he asked kissing you while he hold you by your ass

“Very much” you replied between kisses

“There are so many things I want to show you” he told you. And so it was. For he first two days he didn’t have practice so he showed you around Paris. It was nice actually. A bit cold but it was good. You loved the museums, the architecture, the churches.

But after the first week passed nostalgia hit you hard. You started missing the sun and the warm of your beautiful city.

One morning depression hit you really bad. You woke up and it was raining so much you couldn’t even go outside and get breakfast. So you stayed at home, sat on the couch with a fluffy blanked around your body watching the rain coming down from the window.

You couldn’t help but let a few tears fall. You’ve never been so nostalgic, but here you are.

You were so stressed that you didn’t even hear Neymar coming out from the bathroom, freshly showered. He was wearing a black t-shirt and some sport pants.

“Meu amor?” he gently approached you, slightly worried when he saw you crying “are you okay?”

“Yes…” you said wiping a few tears from your face

“Sure…” he sat next to you “care to tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s silly…”

“If you’re crying it’s not silly”

“I just-I miss home…” you said letting more tears fall

“What-what you mean?” he asked you a bit worried “you don’t like it here?”

“It’s not that…it’s just-it’s just that I miss Los Angeles so much…I’ve never been this nostalgic I don’t know what has gotten into me, I’m sorry”

“No baby, don’t be sorry, it’s completely normal” he said hugging you “you’ve never been away from home this much, it’s normal feeling a bit sad”

“I know I just wished I didn’t cry…”

“You can cry all you want with me” he said kissing your forehead

“Thank you babe…I really needed it”

“Of course meu amor…you know what? I don’t have any match next week…what if we go back to Los Angeles for a couple of days? Ah? You can show me that crazy fast food you can’t stop talking about!”

“You mean In N Out?” you asked while your eyes were completely shining

“Yes that one”

“Are you sure? I know you love Paris…and it’s your free week…”

“I’m happy as long as you are. And clearly you’re feeling a little bit distressed now…nothing would make me happy than to go back in Los Angeles with you amor”

“I love you so much Ney!” you said wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing him while he held your hips

“I love you too baby, so fucking much…” he whispered while you kept kissing.

You couldn’t ask for more. In the end, your life was really perfect.